#therapy for religious trauma

[exvangelicalrage]

I took a couple weeks off from writing about christianity, and in that time, I decided to also take a break from therapy.

I've been going to the same therapist for the last two years, and I learned a lot from her. She helped me understand the true impact of religious trauma, introduced me to IFS and some other techniques that have helped me manage the maelstrom of feelings inside, and told me I was neurodivergent, which I'd always wished to be but thought the term didn't apply because I didn't have autism or adhd. 

But something about my therapist has been bothering me more and more lately, and that's this: she's an exvangelical, but still christian. 

When I started going to her, she told me that she had begun doing therapy focused on people with religious trauma, and then went to divinity school to help them more, which I fully appreciate and respect. She said she wanted to help heal the damage the church has wrought. But she remained christian throughout it all, and is even now a pastor. 

It didn't bother me at first. She was the first person I'd found who specialized in religious trauma, she was located in my state, she was clearly very smart, and she was obviously not trying to convert me back. 

But I realized recently that I've been holding back. I'm afraid to fully criticize christianty in front of her. 

In one session, I told her I flip off churches when I drive by—and christian billboards and yard signs and flags. And she flinched. Just a little. I noticed and said, "It helps cool the rage," and then moved on.

But I've never forgotten that flinch.

And now, every time I want to criticize christianity, I feel like I have to add the caveat, "Not all christians, though." But the truth is, I'm not sure I agree with the "not all christians" bit. Maybe I do a little—I recognize that there are nuances and gradation to christians, just like in every other group. But if I don't feel fully safe shitting on the ideology in front of her, how much more can I get out of my sessions with her?

The thing is, the closer I examine my rage, the more I realize it's not a simmering pot of boiling water; it's a raging inferno. 

A raging inferno I can't tell my therapist about.

christianity stole so much from me. Not just my childhood. Not just experiences and opportunities. Not just my self esteem and personal agency, which I've had to fight and claw to get back. But it took my peace. It took my calm. It ripped away my ability to have a normal, healthy life. It left me alone, isolated, and stranded, when it promised to do the opposite. It left me rejected and hated, when it promised to love me. 

I can't even have a simple conversation with my parents without knowing in the back of my head that they think I'm going to hell. 

They say they love me, and they do in a limited way. But that unconditional love they promised? It's not there. It can't be. 

It's not just rage swirling inside me. It's sadness. And grief. And deep, abiding pain. 

And for the most part, I suffer that pain alone. 

Aloneness isn't scary; in fact, overall I'd say it's a pretty safe place for me to be in. I'm an introvert. I've always sought it. And I'm not alone in every way. I'm married. I have atheist/non-christian friends. I still talk to my family.

But in this pain, I am alone.

christianity promised fulfillment, and instead, it left emptiness. It promised peace, and it left fury. It promised hope, and it left an empty chasm.

I guess I'm a little sad today.

But luckily, quitting christianity is a lot like quitting booze. It leaves you feeling sad, empty, and alone, a lot at first and less as time passes—but on the other side, there's a whole new world of beauty to fill up the hole with. Art, exercise, animals, people, life. And in the end, it's a million times better than the beforetimes.

But just for today, I'm gonna let myself be a little bit sad.

#exvangelical #ex christian #exchristian #atheist #agnostic #sadness #grief #aloneness #religious trauma #therapy #therapy for religious trauma #christianity sucks #ex evangelical #cult ideologies #hell #i flip off churches

[decadentfemme]

I rejected femininity as a teenager because I didn’t know how to dress myself. Department store skirts never fit me, makeup was a mystery, I hated my body and the world I was supposed to fit in. The ways I was taught clashed with who I was before I even knew why. I liked dresses, but I wasn’t allowed to like the way I looked in them.

I embraced femininity when I found queer community. I found fat femmes who taught me how to thrift, showed me how to pair accessories, who watched me grow into the beam of sunlight I am today. I loved myself for the first time when I discovered that I could do femininity on my own terms, that I could leave the path set for me by the church or the hateful community I grew up in.

Becoming a femme saved my life. I cultivate love like a garden for my community. I learn from and respect queer history. Femmes, we are so important, and so loved.

#femmethoughts #femme4butch #high femme #(it was also the therapy let’s be clear) #knowing how to do a red lip won’t heal your religious trauma but it is nice

[syn0vial]

boba fett's childhood is such an untapped goldmine of uncanny existential horror, even before he loses his father.

like, imagine growing up never seeing another child except those that are identical to you—carbon copies in every way, except their heads are shaved, they're plugged into machines all day, and they never stay children for very long. the ones that survive turn into men who look like your father, but your father calls them cattle, cannon fodder.

you're a clone, too. you should be cattle like them, but your father doesn't call you those things. he says you're his real son and that he loves you.

your father loves you. this is what distinguishes you from the cattle and the canon fodder. your father loves you and that's what makes you a person.

and :) then :) he :) fucking :) dies :)

#boba fett #jango fett #star wars #boba fett meta #i think LoTF really hit the nail on the head in their portrayal of adult!boba's feelings about his father #in that yes he loves his father and thinks he was a good dad #and also just so happens to have a near-religious dread of the man #and feels constantly scrutinized and judged by him even decades after his death #it's tragic bc jango DID love boba unconditionally and really seemed to do his best to be a loving father #and yet... bc of his own trauma his best still happens to include a lot of uh. not-great things #that man really should've gone to therapy before having a kid i tell you what

[sadieshavingsex]

I’m tired of healing I’m tired of waiting to heal I’m tired of researching what’s wrong with me I’m tired of feeling pathologized im tired of pathologizing myself im tired of not feeling safe im tired of overanalyzing everything im tired of not being able to make a decision im

#mine #exvangelical #relationship anxiety #sexually repressed #purity culture #religious trauma #sex therapy #ex christian #ex fundie #ex fundamentalist #acorsexual #eriscarnal #christian purity culture #exchristian #codependent #arcsexual #anxious attachment #boundaries #rocd #fawn response #ptsd

[cotidianoseeder]

My mental state now.

#positivity #transgender #trans christian #trans positivity #positive #internalized homophobia #internalized queerphobia #religious trauma #lgbtq #relatable memes #trans memes #lgbt christian #i need therapy #tw religious themes #anxitey

[gxlden-angels]

Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn

Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished

And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue

#bro I had a coworker go 'unpopular opinion I think some kids really do need beatings' and I'm like???? #unprompted???? what's going on there???? #well anyways I ended up going 'yea so I plan on specializing in play therapy with autistic children so I've been learning about talking #to children and the ways their parents and environment affects them' #and they're like hmmm but beating this kid with a stick after they broke something or I upset them to the point of yelling is good actually #had a boss say it taught him and his kids respect cause they were hard-headed #and I'm like?? that's fear not respect! they fear punishment! they do not act out of respect for you! #he's a conservative christian black man tho so he's like 'But Authority!' like bro I don't even respect you what are you on about #'You don't respect police and their authority?' Nope! I fear them! I do not respect cops and every cop/cop-adjacent person I personally know #has reinforced that for me #'We'll agree to disagree' Cool! Doesn't mean you're not wrong! I could believe trees aren't real but that is in fact incorrect #then he pulled out the bible verse and I was like ah okay I forgot you like 'here's how to treat slaves' book you're so right bestie #I'm totally wrong now and so sorry for doubting you and your 2000+ year old book I don't believe in <3 #They'd go 'well I turned out fine!' then say something that directly contradicts that #anyways I need christians to get their grubby little hands off the current state of Child Protection and Rights in the U.S. #So we can actually start working on helping kids without the force of christian hands suffocating them #cause homeschooling and child raising by evangelicals are so fucked up bro I'm tired of this shit #I'd only stay in my current state to help children get out of that cycle since I'm in the bible belt #ex christian #religious trauma #child abuse tw

[blueboldandbright]

More decoration for my battle jacket, someday I’ll actually post a photo of it

#punk #battle jacket #badges #pins #lgbtqia #pansexual #panromantic #actually autistic #religious trauma #aba therapy

[scarletspider-lily]

me trying to figure out if i have religious trauma/have been religiously abused because technically ive not faced a lot of things compared to other people here... hmm

also figuring out if my church is a cult or not is a doozy because theres a lot i dont know... which is a bit terrifying but!! lets see how this all goes

#trying not to diminish my trauma by comparing it to other people's but like #idk i cant get therapy and i just want answers #religious trauma #exvangelical #ex christian #scarletspider-lily

[rockermazy]

I just realized something. I wanna see Valentino from Hazbin Hotel let into Heaven. The Moth.

No redemption arc. No change in behavior. Just let him in the pearly gates upon death, with a silver robe, perfect teeth, and just watch it fuck with people.

Not because I think he's a good person.

But because Valentino is a better reflection of God's behavior towards people under a "covenant" as far as Biblical accuracy than any other character in the series.

We made a deal after I got you out of Egypt, yes? You agreed to the terms and conditions? Good.

Follow my rules, and I'll make you like the stars.

Complain about the food? Watch your head count drop.

Look at someone else the way you look at me? Watch your body count rise.

You think those giants over there are too big for you? You think you can't handle those? Are you scared?

I will watch every single one of your parental figures die, until your population is so young they're too dumb to ask questions.

Now, yes I understand that Adam's abrasiveness somewhat fulfills that WTF, God? role in the story that Vivzie clearly wants to tell. Unless Adam is only playing guitar riffs during Extermination Day, or only uses his guitar on overlords, Adam's body count should be way, waaay higher than Valentino's by virtue of the situation and just being alive longer.

Yet, while fans (rightfully) villainize Valentino to Double-Hell, Adam gets away almost scotch-free.

I want to speculate that this is because Adam exterminates a human-born soul on-screen himself, only once. Sir Pentious' death is so instantaneous, it should be legally classified as humane.

Being obnoxious and sexist alone isn't quite enough to make an audience hate a character, strangly. Ancient sitcoms like All In The Family somehow pulled this off with charm. Audiences just be like that sometimes.

But no - I want to see God welcome Valentino with open arms then treat him like a second son, then watch both every other character and the entire fanbase squirm on cue.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel theory #hazbin hotel headcanon #hazbin hotel valentino #val hazbin hotel #valentino hazbin hotel #adam hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #god hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel god #christian #christianity #every comment and like helps pay for my internalized religious trauma therapy.

[yuridovewing]

Was gonna make Hollycinder endgame to my hyporewrite but now that Hollyleaf is gonna be a medic all the way through po3, I kiiinda want to put her with Willowshine instead. For the drama. Oh the misery of swearing yourself to your restrictive code to an unhealthy degree being challenged when you fall for another medic from another clan, indulging in the romance when you're children but breaking it off because you refuse to put your selfish sinful desires over the goodwill of StarClan and tradition, spending a few years in yearning and guilt and ruminating going "I had to, I can't love her, I would be less than scum if I did" and throwing herself into her work. Only to learn that she herself is a product of a forbidden relationship, the same as the one she indulged in. And her mother had "no" consequences for so long. Her mentor who she looked up to more than anything, who she previously honored for her faith in StarClan and the code and saw her as a standard worth following, had faltered in her faith. Why? Why would she inflict that on her clan? Why would she inflict that on Hollyleaf? What was it for? . .. Could Hollyleaf have done the same? Would she? But why? Was she cursed with her mother's name because she was destined to be like her? Were they both destined to be sinners? No, no. No. This can be fixed. It has to be. She can repent. They can both repent. And she will make her mother repent if its the last thing she does. She has to. She has to get back in StarClan's good will. She has to. She has to.

#one of the moments in po3 that stick with me is when they were buddies when she was a medic apprentice #and then when jaypaw took over willowpaw was like :/ where tf is hollypaw i hate this guy #... bonus points maybe if leafpool noticed her feelings and tried to gently steer her away from willowpaw #cause she didnt want her to get hurt the same way she did #anyways uhhhh leafpool and hollyleaf recovering from religious trauma together is this anything #also hollyleaf having broken the code the same way her mother did and finding out would be. AUGH. #hollyleaf in my head i love you you are so fucked up and pathetic and you need therapy so bad #razorverse

[likeaustralianotcrosby]

Aziraphale is such a good representation of what it’s like to be queer but have a shit ton of religious trauma.

As a fellow queer with a shit ton of religious trauma, the way he acts, his inconsistencies, his insistence on doing things the “good” way, the “right” way, the “righteous” way, his inability to actually confront his own feelings while constructing elaborate fantasies and situations, the way he consistently gets close to Crowley only to panic and then push him away, etc. etc. is something I profoundly understand.

I get why some people are frustrated/upset by his actions, but I can’t really feel anything but deeply sad for him. I know what it’s like to be so blinded by the potential of acceptance by God that you would do anything. Even if that meant giving up on or compromising everything that makes you, you.

For many of us, I think we WERE Aziraphale at one point. Straddling the line between “the world” (where we had a potential of a life that could make us happy and fulfilled) and God/church. I’m sure some of us even bought into the idea that we might be able to change things by going back and taking on leadership roles like Aziraphale does.

But then, eventually, the inevitable, unavoidable heartbreak comes when you are rejected once again by the place/people you were told are the “good” ones and you’re left to pick up the pieces of yourself once again.

tl;dr Aziraphale makes me so sad and also low key has me spiralling re:religious trauma.

#TW religious trauma #good omens #good omens 2 #gomens #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #and I imagine Crowley feels the same #because who understands better than he does what aziraphale is in for #don’t worry kids I’m in therapy

[ef-1]

definitely fuck crofty still but he just popped off with the biblical allusions by calling the return of Daniel the Rivival of Lazarus

#sorry its literally religious trauma and church hurt that i cant turn the catholic side of my brain off but i GASPED #sick #daniel ricciardo pay for my therapy NOW!

[ecoamerica]

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#ACLA24 #ACLA24Leaders #youtube #youtube video #climate leaders #climate solutions #climate action #climate and environment #climate #climate change #climate and health #climate blog #climate justice #climate news #weather and climate #environmental news #environment #environmental awareness #environment and health #environmental #environmental issues #environmental justice #environment protection #environmental health #Youtube

[takeme-totheworld]

"You did that to yourself."

(cw: religious indoctrination, religious trauma, conversion therapy no seriously I talk a lot about the ex-gay thing in this one, brief mention of mental health hospitalization)

When you're brought up in a fundamentalist Christian mindset you are trained to constantly keep your attention focused on your "sins."

Which is weird, because supposedly Jesus died for your sins and all you have to do to be saved is believe? That's what they claim, anyway. But of course, if all you had to do to be saved from damnation was believe the thing and pray the prayer, you could then go on your merry way as soon as you'd done that and not have any need for the church ever again. They wouldn't be able to control you that way.

So they find ways to subtly insinuate doubt into your mind, keeping you off-balance and unsure. They tell you that you just have to do this one thing to be saved, that it's so easy, but then they find a million and one ways to encourage you to question whether you really did it right, whether your belief and prayer were sincere enough, whether you're backsliding away from the faith and need to commit anew, whether you've actually been accepted by God or whether you shouldn't examine yourself and your life and your soul extra-rigorously just one more time to make absolutely sure.

So, this religion that claims to free you from sin and damnation and the fear of those things is often a perfect breeding ground for endless self-judgment and scrupulosity. Fun!

(What's really fun is when you love and trust the church so much that you believe their whole freedom from fear and sin and damnation shtick. So, you wonder, why are you so anxious all the time? It must be something wrong with you personally, something broken in your brain. Because the church certainly never did anything to make you feel this way.)

Now imagine that you're a teenager who has had this mindset programmed into you basically from birth, and you start to realize that there's something different about you. You have crushes on the "wrong" people, or you have the "wrong" feelings about your gender, or (insert other queer feelings here).

There are a number of different directions this could go. Queer folks who grew up in fundamentalist churches have lots of different stories. But a lot of us—including me, a teenager of the late 90s/early 00s—became easy prey for crackpot "ex-gay ministries" that drew in vulnerable queer religious youth with promises that we could be cured.

The type of story that's usually told, in the few movies and tv shows out there that attempt to portray conversion therapy, is a story about horrified parents finding gay porn under their kids' beds and then dragging the kids kicking and screaming off to ex-gay camp. That happens, of course, and it's horrible, and it's a story that needs to be told.

What you don't hear about so much are those of us who were already so twisted up into knots of fear and self-loathing by our upbringing that we joined these organizations voluntarily. Asking to be healed.

Because why would anyone do that to themself?

It's a much more uncomfortable story to tell. People who weren't raised in a fundamentalist mindset find it hard to comprehend. But the fact is, a religious organization claiming you can be "cured" of your queerness through faith and prayer (under their particular guidance, of course)—it sounds disturbingly cult-like, because it is, but it's also a natural extension of the kind of psychological control fundamentalist churches already exert over their members.

"Didn't you know there was something wrong? Couldn't you see how fucked up their claims were? Couldn't you tell how creepy and predatory and cult-like the whole vibe of the group was? For that matter, couldn't the religious parent who allowed you to do this, who was thirty years older than you and should have known better, tell?"

NO! Of course not! What in our experience could have possibly equipped either of us to look at this "ministry," that was promising to heal me from my sinful queerness while spouting exactly the same rhetoric we'd both heard in church all our lives, and realize how incredibly destructive it was going to turn out to be?

Seriously, it was basically a bunch of queer teens sitting around confessing our "sinful" thoughts and feelings, talking about everything we thought was wrong with us, vowing to do better, and praying for each other. It wasn't actually that different from my regular church youth group, except that we were all a lot more (openly) depressed and anxious.

...well, and there were a bunch of very severe rules with very severe consequences re: hanging out with each other outside the confines of group meetings and activities, presumably to make sure we didn't all start secretly hooking up with each other. Or, you know. Having conversations with each other about our queerness that weren't aggressively monitored and directed by the ex-gay thought police. (Couldn't let us start thinking that maybe there was nothing wrong with us after all.)

Okay, so the environment actually was more aggressively controlling than my church in rather significant ways. But I'd been raised my whole life to willingly submit to any rules dictated by religious leaders. I did not have the mental tools to look at what this organization was doing and go "Wow, something is really not right here."

I spent three years involved with the particular "ministry" I'd gotten attached to. It came to an abrupt end with a mental health hospitalization when I was in college, an experience that shook me up enough to realize that the ex-gay path was going to destroy me if I stayed on it. I got out of the hospital, moved across the country to live with my other parent and start picking up the pieces, and never went back to my childhood church or the ex-gay group again.

That was almost twenty years ago and the entire ordeal feels like a weird fever dream now when I look back on it. For a long time I did my best to forget the whole thing. These days, for the first time, I'm trying to remember. Partly for my own healing, because I can't live the rest of my life treating those three years like a deep dark shameful secret. But also because I've come to realize more and more that if people like me don't tell our stories, we let ourselves (and others like us who may still be trying to break free) get painted with the victim-blaming "You did that to yourself" brush.

I did not do that to myself. No one in a situation like mine who made choices like mine did that to themselves. That is not remotely how that works. But it's taken me all this time to let go of the mountain of misplaced self-blame I've carried around my whole adult life.

People who have been raised in intensely fundamentalist environments, with all the indoctrination that entails, often have to resort to all kinds of emotional and psychological contortions just to survive the experience. That's doubly true at least for queer kids growing up in these environments. And yes, that includes those of us who, after years of marinating in religious repression and self-loathing, made choices that looked completely incomprehensible from the outside, choices that had destructive consequences for ourselves and possibly others.

Our stories may not be as easy to understand or empathize with. But we need and deserve that understanding just as much.

#personal #religious indoctrination #religious trauma #exvangelical #ex gay #ex ex gay #conversion therapy #so yeah #i was in a sort-of cult in high school and early college #with the full knowledge and approval of one of my parents #i do not blame the parent in question #they've been dead several years #but they were unwell #and deeply religiously traumatized #i blame the church #and the ex-gay movement #seriously fuck them

[considerablecolors]

If the coffee theory becomes CANON canon I will actually eat my own foot- BUT here's my proposition: the coffee theory but it's a theory crowley comes up with.

like yeah no something has to be going on here, aziraphale's literally stuck by your side for centuries, he wouldn't just throw it all away for some job, he knows what heaven is like now, he knows, something else must be going on- and hey, he gave him coffee, right? that's weird. that's a weird thing to do, right? maybe it's a small thing to focus on, but your life is literally coming crashing down around you, and you can't help but grasp to this one thing that feels wrong- why did he give him coffee? there's got to be something there.

and hey, thinking about that ball earlier, thinking of those dumb romance novels aziraphale is always reading, isn't this exactly the kind of thing that would happen? right when the couple almost gets their happy ending, the villains comes out of nowhere and messes with one of them- kidnaps, or blackmails, or hypnotizes, or poisons- and why else would the metatron offer him coffee, he's from heaven, heaven doesn't care about aziraphale, about crowley anyone, heaven isn't nice, why would he do that- and why would aziraphale take it, knowing everything heaven has done to humanity, to the world, to crowley aziraphale- so it must be that something was in the coffee.

and hey. when the villain poisons the hero, or hypnotizes them, or puts them under a spell, how does it always get fixed? true love's kiss.

and yeah, it's stupid, this whole thing is stupid, it's impossible to believe, but surely it's still more likely than the idea of aziraphale actually leaving him after all this time, after they gave up everything to have their own side, after crowley's laid his entire heart out on the line, so yes, it's the coffee, it's just the coffee, but it's okay, it's okay because crowley can fix this, he just has to kiss him-

but it doesn't work. it doesn't work. which means one of two things- either after 6000 years it's somehow not true love, or there was never something in the coffee at all. either way, the conclusion is obvious-

crowley isn't enough. not enough for aziraphale to love him, and certainly not enough for aziraphale to stay.

#it's fine aziraphale will go to therapy for his religious trauma and come back for crowley ok? #aka coco takes a theory they don't like and changes it until they like it :) #good omens #good omens 2 #aziraphale #Crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #ineffable idiots #ineffable wives #coffee theory #the coffee theory #the metatron #the coffee good Omens #cc speaks

[sadieshavingsex]

wow. there is no one who can love you the way you want and need to be loved except yourself. there is no one who can undo and replace the painful upbringing you received from your parents or your God but yourself. nobody is ever going to be able to provide the level of care, understanding, and due diligence required to help you heal. nobody. nobody else can fix you and help you. you are the only person who can fully love yourself, know yourself, understand yourself. it’s you. it has to be you. nobody else can ever give you that or be that for you

#mine #relationship anxiety #sex therapy #exvangelical #religious trauma #sexually repressed #ex christian #ex fundie #purity culture #christian purity culture #bpd #fawn response #ptsd #anxious attachment #inferiority #I’m so sad but it’s so true nobody I look for out in the world will ever help me or have the answers #it’s me or bust baby

[hopelesslygaysstuff]

https://www.tumblr.com/hopelesslygaysstuff/746703114042753024/give-me-art-or-give-me-death?source=share

As a Lesbian and a Christian, the 2nd one really spoke to me. One thing I dislike about some Christians is the hate that they spew towards homosexuals like myself when that is the complete opposite of what they should be doing. It says in the Bible, "God is love," so why would he hate on love? He wouldn't, he loves us no matter what. Needless to say, I really like how you made the rainbow breakout of all the negative comments people have made that are far from God. All the rest of your artwork is beautiful, too. Thank you for sharing.

I titled that one "Mormon and Gay" after my own experiences of growing up queer in the Mormon church, I'm so sorry that you can relate 😔 Nothing like Christian love am i right? (that was a joke)

That's why I'm writing a big fic centered around healing from religious trauma lowkey, because that was such a big part of my life that still impacts me to this day, and this artwork is definitely one of my favs!! I entered it into an art magazine on my campus and it got selected so now it'll actually be out in the public... scary but kinda cool lol.

Anyways I could ramble about this art piece for a long time so I'll stop now haha

#answered asks #religious trauma is so fun! #joking #its why im in therapy