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chosenimagines · 3 years

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Seizure (Dr Spencer Reid)

Universe: Criminal Minds Summary: Reader (named Lola) gets taken out of college for an interrogation but gets a seizure when seeing the crime scene on pictures

Warnings: Seizure, mental illness, panic attack

Language: English Request: yes/no Requests [Open] A/N: Seizure plays before Trash talk! This one shot/imagine can be found as well on my wattpad^^

🖊️ 🖊️ 🖊️ 🖊️

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The confident Clatter which was going through the hallway outside made me smaller and smaller in my chair. I knew that I haven't done anything, but this situation was too much for me. I have been dragged out of my seminar from several FBI-agents and now I am sitting a small room which I've seen in different tv-shows. I was sitting in an interrogation room.

Smoke had to come out of my ears because of all the thinking I did. I could not figure out why I was broad here. What could I have done to pull the FBI into my direction? I couldn't even go across the street when the traffic light was showing red! There was nothing I could have done to draw the attention of a state authority to myself. I was nothing more than a simple and overwhelmed law student. Suddenly the door opened and a brunette woman with emotion-loaded eyes and a stiff posture entered the room. She seemed to fight an aversion inside of her. The woman tried hard to cover it up. In my opinion she didn't do a good job covering up her emotions. I felt sorry for her. "Agent Elle Greenaway!", she introduced herself and slowly took a seat infront of me. Agent Greenaway put a file on the desk. "Ms Cinder-" "Lola please.", I mumbled. I didn't expecte that she heard what I've said. "Okay! Lola, you were broad here to talk about the homicide of Jasper Oram.", Agent Greenaway began to talk. I saw her expectantly look in her eyes when I lifted my head for the trickle of a moment. I couldn't keep looking into her eyes. The crushing silence between us was tactile. I digged my fingers into the lower part of my oversized hoodie. My heart was beating heavily and painfully against my chest. My shaking hands felt weak. All in all, I didn't feel good. My only hope was that I could go home soon. "Did you know Jasper Oram?" Rashly I shook my head. The name didn't ring a bell. No face popped up in my head. In silence I told his family and friends that I am sorry for their loss. Even though I felt sorry I didn't get what my humble self had to do with this homicide. "In the room of our victim we found pictures of you. Can you explain how these got there?" Agent Greenaway pulled out three pictures the size of a normal sheet of paper and placed them right infront of me. The photographs were all showing me. I coughed in shock. Why did a stranger have pictures of me in his room? Especially those pictures! Those couldn't be found on my social media. The first photo showed a scene from last year when I have been in the hospital. My doctor, Dory Green, was checking up on me. I remembered that moment clearly and in detail. I had one of my seizures before because I've been scared of one of the doctors. The second photograph showed me looking in astonishment at my phone. There was a date written on the paper. December 09th 2018 On that day my last boyfriend broke up with me. He had sent me a message over WhatsApp that I was too much for him. He texted me how I freak him out when I have one of my seizures. He wanted a normal girl that he could introduce to his parents without being afraid of her having a seizure. He didn't want to explain to his parents why I have what I have if I have a seizure. My weird issue and I would be locked up the next day anyways. The doctors would take care of me so I wouldn't have to do it. After this text I couldn't reach out to him anymore and I haven't seen him again. Without the date the picture wouldn't have been so intimate. But the previous ones were nothing compared to the last. My right hand laid on throat. My left hand pulled away the collar of my black dress. I was kneeling with tears in my eyes on the ground. The desperate and panicked look on my face made clear what situation was portrayed here. I was having a seizure. In the background I recognized my High School which meant this picture was one year old. "I don't know!" "You want to tell me that you can't explain how these pictures got into the victim's room or why he wrote with his own blood 'It was Lola Cinder!" on the floor the seconde before he died?!" Agent Greenaway was now standing. She banged on the table when she said 'died'. I flinched. The tears which hit my eyes were running down my cheeks. "I don't know anything. I've never met the victim!", I mumbled. Agent Greenaway starred me into the ground. Again, she pulled pictures out of her file and threw them on the desk. "Look closely at victim and tell me again that you have nothing to do with this!", the angry agent demanded. A short look and it was over for me. The blood caused a certain tightness inside of my chest. Suddenly I felt like somebody wrapped their hands around my throat and choked me brutally. A rattle escaped my throat, before I tried to reach for air hiccoughing and slipped of the chair. I crouched on the floor with my back pressed against the wall. Underneath an arduous effort I tried to focus on my breathing. But I still had the crime scene infront of my mind's eye and the scene didn't disappear. The imaginary hands tightened, and the hiccupping gasping was getting more. My breath went faster, shorter and heavier. I wasn't able to use any of my calming exercises because my thoughts only circled around the current happenings. No matter what I did it didn't leave my head. Through my panic I observed how the door crashed against the wall with a loud sound. Suddenly a young man knelt infront of me. "My name is Dr Spencer Reid. But Spencer will do for the moment!", he introduced himself. I wanted to answer but my seizure didn't give me a chance. The attempt to talk made the pain in my chest even worse. "Lola, if you can understand me just nod shortly." In a hefty motion I nodded. "Great! Now listen to me." Spencer's voice was pleasantly soft and calm. "I am now carefully taking your hands off of your throat. Okay?" Again, I nodded. I felt cool hands on mine which embraced my fingers and softly took them of my throat and hood. "I am going to hold your hands the entire time until this over. If you are okay with this squeeze my hands." I did what Dr Reid told me. "Spencer, I can't breathe!", I pressed out between my gasps and squinted my eyes. "I know.", he replied calmly. "But I know how to help you!" I squeezed his hands again as a sign to show him that I understood. "Look at me, Lola." "I can't!" My voice sounded strident, panicking and halting. The hiccoughing got worse. I felt dizzy! "You can do it! It is not hard. Open your eyes! You can do this. You are not alone!" I opened my eyes with a flutter. Splashes of colour danced before my eyes. The world didn't get focused. "Wonderful!", Dr Reid praised me. "Now look me in the eyes." I lifted my head and looked at him. "Okay. You are doing great. Now we are breathing together. Can you do that?" Again I wasn't able to speak. So I put pressure to Spencer's hand as an answer. "Take a breath!", Spencer demanded and demonstrated how to do it accompanied by a loud breathing sound. My attempt to mimic his action ended up in three gasps. "You are doing great! Now breath out." Along with him I left the air escape my lungs. Dr Reid breathed out in one go and I did in three separated strokes. We repeated this several time and the gasping and coughing blend into heavy breathing. At least I was able to talk again even tough it sounded breathless if I was being honest. "Okay. Let's play again. I say a word and you use the last letter to say a new wort." Another squeeze. "Victimology-research!" "Ho- Ho- hospital.", I coughed. "Leprechaun!" "Nostrils." "Sample." "Echo." "Occasion." "Nabal-trio!" "That is really creative!", Dr Reid laugh. I joined him laughing. Suddenly I noticed that I could breathe normal again. "I don't know how to thank you, Dr Reid!" He smiled sheepishly. "You can keep calling me Spencer." "You can stick with Lola for me as well.", I said and pushed my hair back looking as sheepish as Spencer. "Are you able to answer a few questions?", Spencer wanted to know. I felt how all blood left my face. "Stay calm! I won't show you the crime scene again." I swallowed hard. "Okay." I whispered. Spencer continued the interrogation under the hawk eyes of Agent Greenaway.

#criminal minds #criminal minds one shots #dr spencer reid #dr spencer reid imagine #dr spencer reid x reader #oc #original character #spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds fluff

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hexfeathers · 3 years

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Ancestral Tarot Journaling #2

Chapter Two of this book involves me pulling some cards to identify a potential ancestral guide as I continue through this book. Rather than going through the process of identifying another ancestor, I decided to reformat some of the questions so that I could get to know the ancestor of time that approached me during my last tarot session.

Last time, I had an ancestor of time characterized by The Fool card, who was interested in helping me with long term goals while letting go and allowing myself to feel more free.

The book first asked me to pull all of the court cards out of my deck, shuffle them, and then pull one to help identify a ‘volunteer.’ Instead, I asked that the ancestor of time step up again and share a card to help identify them some more.

Card #1: Page of Wands

The motto of the pages in the tarot is: I learn

Pages generally represent someone who is younger, such as a child, or someone who behaved as such. They could potentially be aligned with a fire zodiac sign as well, or, have attributes of such.

The Page of Wands is enthusiastic, creative, curious and a free spirit. This page is very similar to The Fool card. Pulling this page in particular helped give me some validation that I was interacting with the ancestor of time.

After pulling this card, the book instructed me to ask this ancestor for a sign that meant that they were present. After asking out loud, I heard bright colors in my mind’s eye. Also, I received mental images of safety pins.

I’m still not sure who exactly this ancestor is, but I’m sure I’ll be diving in plenty later.

Card #2: What message does my guide have about my ancestral tarot journey? The Hierophant

This is a card that I really don’t enjoy to pull. I always associate it with establishment, tradition and sticking to gender roles. This makes me believe that I am going to encounter a lot of people in my ancestry that are highly attached to tradition and their moral values.

Something that struck me was the presence of two keys on the card. Keys represent unlocking things that are hidden. And since there are two, I can only assume that it means I will unveil secrets on both my maternal and paternal sides.

Card #3: How can I better listen to my guide? Two of Swords

Indecision, a stalemate, needing to find balance.

There are things in my life that have been out of balance for a long while. And I have been holding onto a lot of emotional baggage. I’ve been faced with two decisions: let go and move on, or hold onto the baggage and remain out of balance.

This ancestor needs me to choose my next step wisely in order to better listen to them.

On the card there is art of a waning crescent moon. When the moon appears like this, it is a time period of shedding. So, it looks like my ancestor wants me to cut loose and get rid of the things that are holding me back, so that we can work together better.

Card #4: Is there a side of the family that my guide wants to help me with? Five of Pentacles

Both sides of my family have experienced a lot of financial loss and poverty. For a period of my life, we were incredibly poor and choosing whether or not we wanted to have the lights on, or the running water. It was traumatizing, and I still have resource trauma that I’m working through.

The Five of Pentacles could apply to either side, so I pulled a clarifier card: King of Pentacles. My father is a Virgo, so, this ancestor will be helping me with my father’s side of the family.

Card #5: Is there a specific family problem my guide can help me with? Nine of Wands

I relate to the Nine of Wands card a lot. Weariness, injury, struggling to make it to the finish line. Already damaged from the previous battles, the man on this card still needs to push forward and fight more obstacles before his war is over.

Everyone in my family has suffered mental illness and debilitating periods of darkness, including myself. I have had to go through a life time of being resilient in the face of loss and abuse. And I’m getting tired of always having to be strong. Funny enough, I just posted something about this on Facebook the other day.

It’s interesting to me that an ancestor associated with Page energy wants to help me through such a heavy subject. This brings me to believe that, despite they are represented by the Page of Wands, that they are not actually a child. Rather, they have a childish side to them.

Though, I’m not sure how they are going to give a helping hand with this type of shit.

But, all of the cards do line up:

The expectations and traditions that my family has always had in the Hierophant.

The emotional baggage and shedding in the Two of Swords.

The financial trauma of the Five of Pentacles.

The struggles and injuries of the Nine of Wands.

Teamwork Spread

At the end of the chapter, the author asked me to pull three cards, and ask:

“How can we best work together?”

My three cards were the Wheel of Fortune, Ten of Cups, and The Fool.

How cheeky, throwing the Fool in as even FURTHER clarification that this ancestor has the energy of someone who is younger. Pulling the Wheel of Fortune made me think of the ancestor of place who showed up with that card in my previous session. I had some self-doubt that I would get consistency with the ancestor that would be helping me through this book, but it looks like they are here to stay.

What I can interpret from pulling these three cards, is that:

Life has ups and downs. There’s great times, and painful times. And even though things have been awful, I’ve had many wonderful experiences and met so many amazing people.

But, I always get afraid when things are going too good-- because I feel like that means things are about to get rough and awful any time soon. It’s limiting me.

It has me stuck in a cycle with the Wheel of Fortune, longing for the harmony and celebration in the Ten of Cups.

My ancestor (The Fool) and I will work together the best by allowing them to help me break that cycle, and create the life that I deserve.

Edit: I almost forgot to add this. When I was wrapping up this tarot session outside, a bright orange cat came out of nowhere and sat in the bushes while I was sitting there.

Guess the sign of ‘bright colors’ is the real deal.

#hexfeathers #tarot #divination #ancestral veneration #ancestral tarot

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flying-elliska · 4 years

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Skam France Season 6 Review

It’s that time, I guess. My feelings are, like many, mixed. I think I enjoyed the season more than most people here, but the ending was a massive let down. Overall it boils down to this : Skam France is great at moments and very bad at structure. A lot of my issues with the season is what is not in it. I saw so much potential that never quite materialized, and it left me frustrated. At the same time, Lola is a really cool character, her arc is really interesting, her relationship with her sister is one of the best things they’ve ever done, and the actors killed it. Loved La Mif, discovering other sides of Eliott, the urbex backgrounds, and Maya. A lot of fascinating character moments. This is definitely my second favorite season after s3 - at times I even thought it would equal it. Sadly, though, Skam France will remain a bit of a one hit wonder for me. Because they are so good at bringing up problems in a nuanced layering way - be it addiction, grief, eating disorders, internalized ableism, racist microagressions - but when it comes to resolving what they brought up, they default towards a ‘let’s all be nice to each other, hug or kiss, love saves the day yay !’ story. Which is, when you claim to deal with real world issues, simplistic, immature, and at times quite offensive. It works for s3, which is at its core a tale of self-discovery, self-acceptance and romance. But niceness doesn’t solve racism, and family problems aren’t solved with a hug, and addiction recovery doesn’t hinge on having someone to kiss, and the series came dangerously close to implying that at times.

All in all, this is a show that often manages to be both brilliant and terrible at the same time. At least it’s not dull.

Positives/Negatives/Meh breakdown :

Positives :

- Sisterly love : My favorite thing without a doubt is the relationship between Lola and Daphné. Flavie and Lula killed it. Almost all the clips that made me cry were the ones with the both of them in it. At the beginning their rivalry is so relatable to me : the responsible sibling who takes on too much burdens and is too controlling and parentified vs. the problem sibling who acts out to express the issues the rest of the family are repressing - i have been in both of those spots. you can see how they slowly realize that the gap between them didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t their fault, that it was the result of their parent’s bullshit and even shittier circumstances. seeing them make little gestures to recognize each other’s pain, to nurture each other, to give each other support, but also to tell each other some unpleasant truths, was so incredibly powerful. Relationships between sisters can be just so...complex, and loving, and petty, and jealous, and supportive, and feral, and annoying, and understanding, and ugh, they made me feel all of that and more. I have a sister, and I have a relationship like that with her, and this season gave me some very important perspectives. Really, relationships between women aren’t explored enough, and this season really did this one thing excellently and if only for that, it deserves to be watched. That moment where Lola talks to Daphné about her self destructive tendencies...so important. I am so happy that Daphné was the one finding Lola in her tower of solitude, and the moment where she says ‘you pay too much attention to what other people think, Lola’ was the emotional turning point of the season for me, because it was Daphné recognizing Lola really cared behind her mask of coldness, but also that she was hurt by that and that she needed to love herself regardless of the love her parents didn’t give her ; and also that she heard Lola saying it to her and that it inspired her too, so there is this amazing reciprocity. It was so powerful, I’m still reeling from it. And it was a beautiful full circle from the beginning of the season.

- Family of outsiders : the urbex gang was such a wonderful new group this season. It was bound to be tricky getting us to like this new generation, and I think they did a pretty good job. Even tho I wish we got to know them a bit more, they were all intriguing and interesting on their own, and the vibes of Lamif as a whole were just so fun and lovely. Loved the neuroatypical vibes I got from Sekou and Jo. Love that they introduced a trans guy character. Loved Maya as group mom. And seeing them warm up to Lola was really sweet. The social media of them hanging out was more or less the only good social media we got this season lmao. The urbex thing was a great symbol for Lola finding a home with the outcasts, a bit on the fringe of society, and the start of acceptance, of bringing her in from the cold. Maya and Lola’s relationship fit in that really nicely, especially the bits about them talking about their shared experiences of grief, and my favorite scenes with them is showing Lola that her scars can be beautiful and that her rough experiences are part of who she is. The way she didn’t take Lola’s bullshit was great, and even tho I think their relationship was rushed, overall they really fit well together. Love Maya’s character as a concept in general, this funky purple haired lesbian environmentalist with amazing sense of style, and I really hope we see her again in upcoming seasons. And finally, I also really liked Eliott and Lola’s friendship (except for the ending) - the fact that they understand this darkness that they share, but that Eliott has succeded in climbing over it, and so he can give Lola support, understanding, guidance. I loved that we got to hear a bit more of his perspective on mental illness, the good and the bad times, that we saw his passion for movies become more real. I loved the fact that they bonded over creative things and photography, too, and that she found a safe space in the video store. And even tho it wasn’t resolved properly, the scene where he comes to get her and punches Aymeric really made me cry. Also, BASILE. Best bro in law ever. Their scenes together were so homey and warm and sweet. They will have such a good relationship in time. Overall, I really like how central friendship was in this season, shown as so powerful and important. They could have done more with it but I love a lot of what we got. I am just a sucker for found family, man.

- Lola herself : I know she was a controversial character right from the start. She’s been called manipulative, selfish, out of control, toxic. And honestly at times...maybe she was a bit. I still love her. She is just so interesting to me. The lack of compassion towards her in the fandom was seriously depressing at times, and often felt like a symptom of something I’ve seen in a lot of different fandoms, ie the capacity to only tolerate moral ambiguity when it’s attached to attractive white male characters - and to only tolerate mental illness symptoms when they can be romanticized. In the end, she’s a struggling teen from a deeply dysfunctional family who’s had a very rough life, of course she’s not going to be well adjusted. All in all, I think she’s so brave, and she is a fighter. I adored her feral energies in the trailer. I also really liked her blunt honesty at times, even if it was sometimes hurtful and excessive. I think because I have the opposite tendency to be afraid to speak my mind, I really dig a character who isn’t afraid to speak the ugly truth. Even though, again, ‘the truth’ isn’t always cut and clear, and what Lola is often doing instead is listening to ‘depression voice’ who tells her to believe the worst in people. I find that fascinating, because in my experience, yes, depression comes with this terrible lucidity that makes you see through a lot of bullshit but at the same time, is distorting your perspective because of fear and shame, and kicking that, and disentangling your perception from that fatalism, is very complicated. I loved how genuine she was, how mature too sometimes through the pain, more mature than she should have been. It was rough watching her relapse, but I think the portrayal of addiction was pretty very well done overall, not romanticized and explained in a very coherent way. I wish the show had given her a bit more of a clearer view of her inner thoughts towards the end and let her apologize a bit more. And a clearer realisation that her parent’s lack of well expressed love didn’t doom her. But...yeah Following her really made me question my own - more hidden - self destructive impulses, linked to family shit, that pushes me to sabotage and isolate myself. Like Eliott said to her - it’s really a lifelong struggle. I think overall her arc was pretty satisfying, learning to step away from the edge, letting people in, seeing that she isn’t alone, accepting she deserves better and that her failures don’t doom her. That it is about getting up and trying again. Love her using her mother’s camera and wanting to get a phoenix tattoo, a perfect symbol for her. Also Flavie was amazing, she’s got a bright future ahead.

Negatives :

- No follow up to the assault storyline : The thing that I am, without any single doubt, most mad about, is the fact they didn’t bring up the sexual assault again. Along with Charles’ rape apologism, this creates a very dubious pattern of trivializing the issue ‘as long as it’s not real rape’. The fact that the morning after immediately turns to Elu drama is what sort of started my disconnect from the season, and the fact that they don’t bring it up afterwards even once made me angry. I think Lola, before going back to the hospital, should have told someone about the abuse she endured there, and should have told someone about Aymeric, even if only to acknowledge she wants to be done with that part of her life. Aymeric is like...Lola’s biggest villain, in a sense, he is a horrible predator but he also somehow represents her worst impulses, that part of herself that tells her she doesn’t deserve better, and I think that as a character, he was interesting, and he should have been adressed/exorcised better. If Lola was a real person, of course, she would probably have to deal with this in therapy, down the line, later, but as a story, never adressing this again left it unfinished. And this is really the kind of event you NEED catharsis and resolution for. Otherwise, it’s irresponsible.

- A generally overstuffed and disjointed structure : My biggest problems with this season are about what isn’t and what isn’t it. I liked most of the clips, I don’t have an issue with them going dark, strangely enough, but the way they were put together was just...messy. Like many people have said, too much stuff not properly adressed. Palm of most annoyingly useless subplot, the whole Tiff thing. Yes, it was cool comparing her clique to Lamifex and Lola realizing she wants nothing to do with those shallow fake bitches. Sekou hacking her account to replace it with pigeons, amazing. After that though, it should have been DONE, and in general, it should have taken a lot less time and attention. Comparing Tiff’s social media addiction to Lola’s issues felt like some trivializing bullshit. The whole thing was just so annoying. It would have been good if it had led to some discussion of social inequality but like...not this shit. Char, equally useless (although, cool actress, cool style). Another MASSIVE problem is the lack of follow through on big clips. A great thing about SKAM, usually, is that it shows you the aftermath of big moments - characters lying in bed, cuddling, talk to their friends, crying in the shower, etc. It allows the viewer to breathe and really get into the character’s perspective, to be comforted and process drama, and for the emotions to resonate better, to have space to develop richly. Here...we had Lola brush off her assault, we saw nothing after Daphné got her back from the tower thinking she could have killed herself, we learned that they had money problems and the father didn’t go to work and then that was never adressed again and the light was turned back on by magic (????), we saw Eliott go on a major bender and didn’t really see how he got better, etc. Big lack of introspective clips in the latter part of the season took me out of Lola’s head. It was all stressful and breathless, all intensity and no pause like one grating high pitch note instead of music, it felt oppressive, with poor contrast, and very badly paced. It made everything blur together and feel less relevant. The problem with that is it really takes you out of the story ; it’s hard to care when you know whatever is happening might not have a resolution, and it doesn’t put you in the shoes of the character. This was compounded by how mediocre the social media was, when it is usually used to bridge in the gaps. And then to finish : the structure was so uneven, especially in the second part of the season. Towards the middle we had some very short episodes with very underwhelming endings, and Vendredis that felt like non events, and there wasn’t a lot happening - and then, bam, ep 9, drama overload, almost like misery p*rn, and then a super rushed resolution in ep 10. Like they cared more about twists and giving the opposite of what was expected instead of solid coherent narrative and rhythm. The romantic back and forth felt repetitive as hell too. All in all, it made for a very unsatisfying live watching experience, pretty sure anyone who didn’t watch live would like it a lot more.

- The last two episodes : Really, I could have overlooked all the problems with the season if they had given us a good ending, but...they really really didn’t. And contrasted with last season, where my problems were focused on the middle, for me the ending is really the worst part of this season. I didn’t dislike the controversial club clips, I liked having the insight into Eliott’s insecurities, but they should never have brought those up if they weren’t going to let him adress them properly. Having everything go to shit in Lola’s life at once felt like overkill - they really should have solved those problems earlier, and then dealt with a few ones properly, showed us Lola freaking out on her own, and taken out the bullshit at the high school. Thierry slapping her was also too much, he could just have said these clumsy things. She could have distanced herself from Maya instead of pushing her away again. Also, they really should have had this happen in episode 8 again, and given us a proper resolution. While the tower sequence was incredibly powerful, I pretty much liked nothing after that. It was so annoying that Eliott brushed off Lola’s apology because while he wasn’t wrong that he decided to get drunk himself, she still needed to apologize and actually state that she wanted to get better so she didn’t hurt her friends, so as a resolution it was very mediocre. Thierry recognizing they should have given Lola the choice to go the hospital was a step but really not enough. And the moments with Maya were cute sure but mostly cheesy and unearned. Same for the ending clip. Mostly it’s such an unsatisfying farewell to the old generation, and it really feels like they wanted us to force to move on - didn’t want to properly recognize the end of an era, gave us almost nothing about their BAC or their future plans, etc etc. Also, letting Charles talk and having Arthur and Alexia kiss again ? SO BAD. UGH. I will be forever disappointed they didn’t give us a Multi POV or at least sth better on social media. And not having Eliott’s POV or at least a real Elu conversation (pretty much all season...) so frustrating I will never not be bitter about that. So yeah. The season started so powerfully but went out with a whimper instead of a bang. That whole ‘romantic love solves everything!!!’ shtick...very undercooked tbh.

Meh :

- Mayla’s development : I wanted to stan them SO BAD. Like, wlw in skam (that doesn’t turn into a panphobic mess?) YES, all the way yes. Maya and Lola had great chemistry, great dynamic. I loved their first few clips, the kind of confrontational flirting, the boldness, it was like...damn girls ! we love a non useless lesbian ! But...somewhere along the way, their relationship really suffered from the wacky plot structure. They should have shown us more bonding before we got to the angsting (esp during first urbex night). Also, their first kiss was sweet but I hated the ‘you’re my addiction’ line and that kind of put a damper on it. I liked the scenes where they open up about difficult things, the love Maya showed to Lola’s scars, the dandelion symbolism was lovely, but it wasn’t balanced enough with other stuff, and I felt Maya was way too stoic at times. And I really, really didn’t like the ending, honestly. They kept a good balance all season showing Lola wasn’t relying entirely on romantic love, that her family and friends were also important - but saying ‘i’m okay as long as you’re here’ at the end...honestly that sounds unhealthy and codependent as fuck. I really wish they’d done a more subtle, taking it slow ending for them.

- The financial issues : Again a storyline with much potential that wasn’t dealt with properly. It’s really good that we got a main that wasn’t from an economically priviledged background. Especially it felt very relevant to Daphné’s storyline, with the shame she felt at her friends seeing her place, the pressure to make it work, tying into her ED, etc etc. But cutting off the power, the father not working going nowhere...it’s like the plotline meandered and then vanished into thin air. Instead of that, they could have given us a scene of Daphné freaking out over the bills like in OG w Vilde, keeping the focus on her for that plot because she’s the most affected ; and then in the end of the season the father taking them over from her and telling her he’s found another job and that those things shouldn’t be her responsibility. That would have been relevant, instead of just...a loose end.

- Family issues : The Lecomte family dynamic seemed fascinating to me at the start. The mom being this shadowy complicated figure. The inability of the father to deal with anything. Daphné being parentified, Lola becoming the symptom child. They could have done a lot with this, but in the end, it felt like it was brushed aside too easily by saying the mom sent letters so she wasn’t too bad and Thierry is making breakfast so he’s trying. Not enough. I wanted them to let Lola acknowledge she deserved better and that their parent’s crap wasn’t on her. That her mom should have looked for help and the other two shouldn’t have pretended everything was okay. In general, there is way too much pressure to overlook toxic parent behavior and I wish they’d been clearer about this.

- Mental health portrayal : Some parts of it were really good. Showing Daphné’s ED, letting Eliott talk about his episodes and relapses, showing some of the dark sides of depression and addiction. They just needed to show more of the recovery, because that is often the representation that they lacked the most. I don’t blame them for showing the bad sides of the mental healhcare system (which is terribly outdated and dysfunctional in France, I’m speaking from experience) but they should have shown the good too. Like do they find recovery boring or something ? Because as a person w MI, that’s actually what I’m dying to see, and they’ve been a real letdown in that department. I also think they should have acknowledged that the Lecomte family has mental issues as a whole, that the mother should have gotten help, and the father probably needs it too (still think they should have gone to therapy as a group lol).

- Elu and Eliott’s development : Honestly, not a big fan of how they wrote Lucas in s5&s6, in a lot of clips he was the angry guy with a temper, I miss s4 Lucas who was so compassionate and showed real growth and emotional intelligence. Here it just felt like they were fitting his character to plot needs, and it’s so sad for a character who had such an amazing story development. Now, I loved the glimpses of domestic Elu we got, how Axel and Maxence really showed the intimacy that had grown between them, they really felt married with all the nonverbal conversations and touches, that was sweet. But it’s so annoying that they hinted at Lucas’s insecurities and Eliott’s lack of communications and just brushed it away with ‘oh they love each other they will be okay’ sure bitch but then show us how ? that’s the interesting stuff ? it really feels sometimes like the writer(s) didn’t like how strongly the fans focused on the romance when they wanted to be talking about MATURE dark stuff not that frilly fluffy romance shit *eyeroll* male writers who think they’re above that stuff is so annoying as is the conflating of dark and mature - anyway. Again I liked seeing Eliott in his element this season, he is really thriving, with his movie and the video store, and that made me very happy. I don’t think it’s unrealistic he didn’t make a lot of friends in uni - French university can be so isolating, there isn’t a campus or a vibrant social life like in the US, it’s a very common experience to feel lost and isolated for newbies and it was also my case - but ? Sofiane ? Idriss ??? They could have found a better excuse to implicate Lamifex in the movie making tbh, like Jo egging him on about her passion for directing or whatever, and Sofiane could have been there chilling with them it would have been so cool. I just wish Eliott would have had more of an arc like Daphné did. It wouldn’t have taken much, and since he is my favorite character, I will never not be disappointed at all the wasted potential.

Yeah so in the end i think this was a very good story they didn’t entirely give themselves the right storytelling tools to tell. Like there is something in the way they prioritize certain moments over others that...I just find very frustrating and weird. So...flawed, but still very interesting overall.

#skam france #skamfr s6 #lola lecomte #mayla

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daily-dose-of-imagines · 4 years

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𝙸 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚎

Hi and thank you for requesting with us! And there is no such thing as a weird request! I hope you like it! I hope I did your ask justice! @micahbluebluemicah

TW; abuse, ignorance, offensive language, unaccepting mother, depression

>Admin 𝕋

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

He was startled awake by the incessant ringing of the front doorbell. Grumbling, Kakashi moved the sheets away from his body and patted his feet to the floor. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he said, “Jeez who’s here at,” he looks to the clock on his night stand, “at three in the morning, really?”

Getting up from the bed, Kakashi waddled his way through his house until he got to the front door. Peeping through the peephole he saw a boy that he knew from the neighborhood. The boy and him were very close to each other, and related on several levels. It also helped with the fact that Kakashi was his teacher.

But he was surprised to see him on his front porch like this. Kakashi opened the door and really looked at (y/n) and gazed at his black eye and the other bruises on his body. “Oh my god, (y/n), what happened?” he asked, astounded. (y/n) shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed. “Well, let’s just get inside for now.”

Kakashi shuffled him into his house and closing the door behind them both, leading him into to the leading living room. (y/n) sat down on the sofa, his hands shaking profusely. Seeing this, Kakashi crouched in front him, taking them into his hands, trying to get them to stop shaking. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” he asked softly. With a shuddering sigh, (y/n) relayed the past events to what led him here.

“Why can’t you do anything right!” his mom yelled at him, throwing a plate at him, but he dodged it before it made contact. “Look at these dishes! They’re still dirty and disgusting, just like you! Fuck, and the kitchen is just as dirty!” this time she threw a pan, and hitting him in the eye. He yelped out in pain and ran into the living room, hiding behind the recliner that was in the corner.

“You waste my time, and waste my money just by existing! You are a nuisance and a waste of space, with literally no relevance! And you what the worst part is, (y/n)? The fucking icing on the cake is that you think you’re a boy! Ahaha, what kind of bullshit is that! You will never be a boy, you will never have a dick!” she yelled out, her voice coming closer to him, signaling that she migrated from the kitchen to the living room, trying to find him.

“You are mentally ill, thinking that you are something that you are not! And no daughter of mine is going to be sick in the head!” she screamed, finding him hiding, the pan back in her hand. He knew he was going to get hit again if he didn’t act fast.

He saw an opening behind her that led directly to the front door. If he can squeeze past her, he can be home free, and not have to deal with her beatings anymore. With an inhale of breath and bravery, he propelled himself off the floor and pushed his mother into the hard wall, and bolted to the front door, opening it and running out into the neighborhood.

He kept running, with no shoes, and even when he heard his mom yelling at him to come back. He kept going, because he did not want to ever go back.

“And that is how I ended up here.” (y/n) ended in a small voice. Kakashi felt like his heart was breaking.

“(y/n), I am so so sorry, I wish I could’ve been there to help you.” he lamented to him. Kakashi moved to sit next to him, and started to rub his back in calming circles.

The feel of Kakashi’s warm, fatherly hands finally made the tears free fall. With a cut off shout, (y/n) buried his face into his hands and screamed out, “Why can’t I die! Why did it have to be me! Why is it so wrong for me to be different, It’s not like I wanted to be this way! If I were to just freaking die, then this pain, this despair will finally leave me!” he cried in anguish, his whole body shaking. “Every single time I did something bad, or wrong, she wouldn’t let me eat or she would lock me up in the closet for hours! I don’t want to deal with this anymore!”

Kakashi pulled him tightly to his chest, making him cry into his shoulder. “It’s okay (y/n), it’s okay to be different. There is nothing wrong with you, and what makes you different is what makes you unique and special and who you are. You are kind, creative, nice, funny, and so full of life. It’s okay to be who you need to be, and nobody, and I mean nobody, should tell you otherwise.” Kakashi proclaimed. He could feel his tears soaking his shirt, and the wails and cries breaking his soul into pieces. He patted his head and held onto (y/n) tighter, so that he will know that he is safe.

It took him awhile to calm down, but when he finally did, he moved away from Kakashi and rubbed the last of the tears from his swollen eyes, and coughed a bit. “Thank you Kakashi, for this.” he told him, and Kakashi shrugged slightly, patting him on the head again.

“Anytime, buddy, anytime and anywhere.” he said to him. “Well it’s pretty late, so why don’t you just stay here for the night. I’ll go grab some blankets.” getting up from the sofa, Kakashi went to the hallway and opened the cabinet that was there, pulling out a couple blankets. He walked back to (y/n), and gestured for him to lay down fully, then put the blankets on top of him, tucking him in.

“Thank you again, Kakashi, really.” (y/n) whispered gratefully. Kakashi smiled and was about to go to his own bed, but his voice stopped him. “But, why are you helping me so much?”

Kakashi thought for a moment, then his smile grew in size, and he muttered out, “It’s because I care about you.”

#naruto x reader #naruto imagines #naruto scenarios #naruto drabble #naruto #kakashi x reader #kakashi hatake #Kakashi #trans reader #reader insert #kinda sad #sorry if it's not good #ask!#t replies!#trans!reader #kakashi sensei #kakashi scenario #kakashi drabble

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bandana-fox · 3 years

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God I hate where I am

I am in this place for autistic / adhd / mentally ill / otherwise handicapped people. There’s lots of different things that you can work as (gardener, cook, woodworker etc) it’s basicially work for people like me so we can have it easier than let’s say a normal job. Depending on what you have, you get someone who understands and our needs

We also still have school

I’m autistic and like, chose woodworking because we don’t have any kind of work with animals here. Because why the heck not. You can use it for almost everything and it’s a job with creativity.

It already started in my first year of woodworking training where they wanted to keep me in first year instead of letting me into my second year because they thought I won’t manage it. Which, okay, yeah - I admit I am not that great but I also could improve myself at home during the corona break and refused to stay in first year.

Which was also the one time that, usually as quiet and polite i am, that they notice I can act differently and won’t let me push around.

Guess what? I got in my second year and everyone was surprised how much I actually improved.

Third year, same shit is happening again. My...”caretakers” saying that I won’t manage my final exam (which is only in June but okay) and they know that I want to contuine school and go studying biology / zoology (because I really don’t feel prepared for work once my woodworking training is over)

And even here they say I don’t manage it. I get it, my grades are not the best, never have been. But back then in my younger years? School was whack. The teachers hated me, I hated them, the people in class sucked so of course I do not have the motivation for school.

We have school in this building as well. The teacher is VERY competent compared to those I had like ten years ago. Learning with her is fun. I actually improved a little in math.

And guess what? I am actually buying math books and learn. This proves how much I want to go studying actually and take it serious.

And once I am finished with here? I am trying to do the school stuff I didn’t manage, I don’t want to start studying immediately.

I thought I made it clear not to understimate me the first time but apparently not. And like, it’s so tiring.

If you guys don’t think I manage something that’s only in June, then you are probably bad at teaching me shit but okay. I get it my motivation has dropped, which means yeah, I am bad currently but it’s only because I don’t want to be here anymore? But it’s my last year and if I go out now, it only means I quitted. And I do not quit near the end.

I don’t really care if they say I won’t manage studying because I know myself. I know how hard I work when I am focused on a goal. Heck, I wouldn’t have willingly bought math books in the past. If I truly was this bad as they say, my brother, who has done all this already, would’ve cut me off right then and there when the idea came instead of suggesting to study in english (I’m german) since I understand more in english than in my original language.

Oh and we also get our own therapists based on what we have, mine prides herself for autism but she doesn’t know shit about it

#im so tired of being here tbh #it's fine it's only until june now #but hhh

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alightwhendarknessfell · 4 years

Text

Dear Andy,

I have debated posting this for a while, mostly because I wanted to get it right. With the WSTW re-record release approaching and things coming to light about the actions of a former member I feel that now is as good a time as ever. I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it is something that over the past year I have wanted to do. I have been unfair and overcritical and at times, downright mean. I was judging you and your actions based on my own interpretations. The events of the past few weeks have shown me that those interpretations were wrong. So here it goes…

I have been a fan of not only Black Veil, but of you going back to 2008-2009, when everything was still on Myspace. I vividly remember eagerly awaiting the release of WSTW and making my mom drive me to the local Hot Topic to pick it up the day it came out. I remember going to my first show in a small little bar in Raleigh, NC that sadly is no more, and I remember being dressed in war paint along with my best friends. I know that it may not seem like it, but I to this day consider myself a fan. The band that you created was pivotal for my teenage years and to this day the community you helped build means the world to me.

I will admit that it was my passion and love for that community that was the root of my criticism. Despite what you or others reading this may think, I do not hate you, not at all. There have been times that I felt let down, cheated, and disappointed as a fan, but the events of the past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I will get that to that point, but I did not and do not hate you. As a person I speak up, at times when I probably shouldn’t, but I do when I feel strongly about something. I have certainly made the mistake too many times of speaking before I had all the information or trusting my own judgement on things, I knew nothing about. I am trying to get better at not doing that.

I can see how some of the things I have said, condoned, or even given a platform to were mean, uncalled for, hurtful, and regrettably untrue at times. I have had this blog and been in this fandom for over a decade. I was 13-14 years old when I first made this blog, and I am almost 25 now. I look back on some of the things I said, and I deeply regret them. In 2015 this blog was accidentally deleted, and honestly it was probably for the best that some of my earlier posts are gone. Regardless, I have let myself get carried away or swept up in drama perpetuated by others (and sometimes myself). I have said things, even in the past few years that I shouldn’t have, things that could be hurtful. While my intention was never to hurt you, I think it’s safe to say that myself and others lose sight of the impact of our words when they are said behind a screen, to people we think will never read them. As a teenager or even in my early 20’s I didn’t think that someone ‘famous’ would see what I wrote, surely it would all get lost in the sea of tweets, posts and comments.

That does not make saying those things right.

I would like to personally apologize to you for not considering the fact that you might see some of those words. That you are a person with emotions just like everyone else, that could be hurt by them. I am sorry for letting others get away with saying cruel things, even if I pushed back on them or didn’t directly comment. I would be lying if I said that the fame (or infamy), status and notoriety I got for my words didn’t affect my actions. It’s sad, but true that often times more attention comes out of negativity than kindness.

As someone who has been bullied and suffers from mental illnesses, I should have left some things unsaid. I do not know you personally, I only know what you have shared. Seeing you speak about your own struggles with mental illness over the recent years has really given me a much-needed reality check. I have related to some of the things you’ve talked about more than you know. Some of the things that others and I have been critical of were clearly not the result of malicious intent but of your own hardships that we were blind to.

I think people forget, and I know I did, that when this band took off you were just a teenager yourself. To think that at 18 or 19 someone in your situation would act ‘right’ all of the time and never make mistakes is ridiculous. Not only were you a kid trying to figure the world out, but I think it has become clear that you were dealing with people who used you for their own selfish gains. That would be hard for anyone, regardless of their age.

I have never dealt with addiction on a personal level, but I emphasize with whatever pain you had to endure in your own struggles with it. You are right when you said that no one sees themselves becoming an alcoholic at twenty years old, and I am sorry for not being more sympatric in the past. One of my biggest regrets in all of this was hearing that during the time that I was probably the harshest to you (around 2016) was when you were struggling the most with trying to be sober.

I am happy that you are sober, I am glad that you were able to make it out of that cycle that consumes so many people. I hope that others who are struggling are inspired by your dedication to living a healthier life. In an industry where it is too easy to fall back into toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms, I am glad you have found strength.

I would like to speak on why I have been so negative in the past (and at times hateful). As I said, what you created in Black Veil meant a lot to me and so many others. This band has been a part of my life for so long and I have met some of the most amazing people through it. I have met people that I can honestly say I love because of this community. This fan base gave me a home when I felt alone and gave me something to identify with as a kid. That’s why I started cosplaying as you, sure it’s a hobby of mine and aesthetically I am a fan of 80’s glam metal, but it was mostly to pay tribute. I am not a ‘traditional’ artist in the sense of paintings and drawings, my media is makeup and costume. The WSTW/STWOF era is what I consider my era as a fan, the one that I identified with the most.

I admit, I was upset when it ended. That’s a stupid reason to be upset, obviously all bands change and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s how I felt. The source of my jadedness was not the adoption of a new look, it was deeper than that. Around 2016 was when I had the most animosity because I saw what I thought at the time was you ‘giving up’ on Black Veil. I felt like the ‘old’ fans weren’t wanted anymore and like most people, I felt the need to protect and defend what I loved.

With the introduction of your solo act, it felt like the community I cared so much about was being destroyed and I couldn’t understand why you were doing that. I was blinded by my own judgements. What came off as hate was really just hurt. I know I am not the only ‘OG’ fan who felt that way, and I took that to mean I was justified. In hindsight it is clear, none of us had any idea what was really going on with the band and certain individuals who were bringing it down. At various times it seemed like you hated the old era and as a fan who stood there from the beginning that felt like a gut punch. I let my own feelings make me bitter, and that was wrong. I let others fuel that bitterness, including ones who were actively stabbing you in the back.

I remember around 2012 I made a very critical post of an article you did in Kerrang talking about your struggles with alcohol. I criticized you for not saying more and even said that what you shared was nothing in comparison to a former member’s struggles with addiction. When I received this DM from that individual saying that they approved of my words and that I was ‘spot on’ I felt embolden. I deeply, deeply regret letting such a toxic and horrible person influence me. That post I wrote was wrong, ignorant and immature. That post was one that got deleted in 2015, but I still regret having written something so heartless.

(screen shot is from 2012, this was a Twitter DM from said individual. I did not share that post with them, they found it on their own and contacted me. )

I see now that you were not turning your back on Black Veil, you were trying to save it. The interview you did with Ryan Downey brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what it feels like to have something you spent your whole life fighting for be taken over by an abusive, evil, and selfish person. I feel like I have gained a better perspective of where you and the band were at over the past three weeks and I am sorry you are not free to say more. I am sorry for defending this person because they did not deserve a single fan.

Some who takes advantage of another’s passion and youth because they lack the creativity and ability to do it on their own is stealing, plain and simple. I am sorry that you have been tethered to such a horrible person for so long. I deeply admire your perseverance, strength and determination in taking back what that person tried to take. To be willing to destroy something you love and care about to keep it from the hands of evil is an incredible act of dedication to it.

I would like to end this with a few more things. I know I have been critical of people that you love. I do admit I have taken those criticisms too far at times where they crossed into bullying. I am sorry to Juliet for being unfairly harsh, I am not a hateful person, but I have allowed myself to act that way. There are certainly things that I have said that I stand by, and there are things that I may not agree with or understand, but I think there are ways that I can voice my own opinions respectfully, without being mean.

In an ideal world I would love to sit down with you, or anyone else I may have hurt and have a discussion about it, but hopefully this gets my point across well enough. I do not intend to delete my blog or stop accepting posts (although I will try and make an effort to get rid of toxic posts. It will just take a while to sort through them all). While I can’t promise to never say anything critical again, I can promise to stop the hatefulness. I am promising to make a real effort to clean up some of the toxicity towards you that is unfair and unwarranted. To facilitate a more respectful, yet still honest and open dialogue. I do take pride in my blog being one of the last places of discussion and community for fans, but perhaps without the cruelty that been allowed to fester. If you are someone reading this who comes here to be mean and hateful, I’m sorry but it has to stop. This was never intended to be a ‘hate blog’, but I will openly admit I understand why people thought it was.

If you take anything away from this, or if you even read this, please let it be this. I consider myself a supporter of you and what you have created. I want nothing more than to see you succeed and be happy. I hope that you are able to overcome the struggles in your life and that you are able to find meaning and true happiness if you have not already. Although it may not appear so, I have always routed for you. It may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough for the fans (or at least some of them) but for me at least that is not true. You have been given an impossible task of trying to please thousands of people, of never being allowed to fuck up, and having past transgressions brought up again and again. For that I am sorry, and I am sorry for having played a part in that.

You deserve to be treated as a person, not as an object or persona. I whole heartedly believe you are a decent person, who maybe has flaws and room for improvement, but so do I and so does everyone else. I do believe there are fundamentally bad people out there, people who deserve the karma they have coming. Those are the people that purposefully hurt, lie, manipulate, cheat and deceive others for personal gain. I think especially in the past few weeks we have been shown who those people are. Yet, I don’t believe you are one of those people.

To everyone out there who is reading this, please give people the chance to change. Be okay with admitting when you are wrong. Allow people to grow and become better. Over the past year my mentality and perspective on the world has shifted dramatically. Two years ago I couldn’t have written this post, but as I enter my mid-twenties I am able to look back and say ‘this is not the person I want to be, this is not the person I want people to think I am’. So all I can do is admit my shortcomings, apologize, and be better.

Andy, if you read this and made it to the end, thank you. You are in no way obligated to respond to or accept any of what I said. I just wanted to put this out there with the hopes that it in some way, or that some part of this, lessened some of the hurt I regrettably have caused.

- Ren <3

P.S the banner of my blog is not calling you or the band trash. It’s a fan term for when someone is really into something. Saying “I am ______ trash” means you love that thing. I know it’s weird, but it’s supposed to be an inside joke for other fans, it’s a positive thing. So, when I say “I am 100% 2010 Black Veil trash” I am talking about myself being a massive fan of that era. I don’t think you or the band is trashy, if I did, I wouldn’t be spending money on tickets, merch and shoving blue contacts into my eyes for 10+ years.

#Andy Biersack #Andy Black #Black Veil Brides #BVB #alightwhendarknessfell

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neriad13 · 3 years

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Favorite Media of 2020!

There was a large swathe of this year during which I was unable to concentrate on reading (as there probably was for a lot of other typically-frequent readers), so, as a result, I ended up listening to way more podcasts and watching way more TV shows. Not a bad thing, but boy did I read way less books than usual.

However, for the first time in a while, the amount of fiction I read was about equal with the amount of nonfiction I read. Last year’s reading resolution was to read more fiction, so...success??

I did read a lot of phenomenal fiction when I had the energy to do so this year.

Books - Fiction

The Martian - Andy Weir

This book is the hardest of the hard sci fi I think I’ve ever read. Every single aspect of it is minutely researched and calculated. The author literally wrote equations to write this book. The science is insanely impressive and yet...it never loses its sense of humor or humanity in the mix. In fact, they’re the thing that drives the entire story.

Warlock Holmes - G. S. Denning

Way early in the year I was strolling down the fantasy aisle at the library, when this cover caught my eye. I took one look at it, went “oh, this looks silly” and...proceeded to devour the entire series in a matter of weeks.

It is very silly. Especially when it’s pointing out something that was silly in the original. There’s something so satisfying about Watson immediately answering Holmes with the correct number of steps in their flat when he’s trying to make his point about how most people don’t pay attention to things like that.

World War Z - Max Brooks

Every single scenario in here could easily support an entire book. A park ranger whose job it is to contain the yearly zombie spring thaw? HECK YES. I’d read tens of thousands of words about that. A Chinese admiral who defaults, steals the government’s premier submarine, loads it up with the families of his underlings and takes to the sea for years to live in the maritime economy that has sprung up in a world where everyone is trying to escape the shore? That could be an entire movie on its own.

Every chapter was more creative than the last and as a huge worldbuilding fan, this book was so, so fun.

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon

In which a queer, neurodivergent protagonist solves a mystery on a spaceship which is a microcosm of antebellum era politics! This had a beautiful, mysterious, wonder-inducing writing style and it was a joy to peer into the wildly differing minds of every single character.

Books - Nonfiction

Underland - Robert MacFarlane

In every chapter, the author visits a different hole. Basically.

It’s an exploration of caves, catacombs, mines, nuclear waste facilities and the hidden underbelly of every forest. It was fascinating. And fundamentally changed how I look at time.

Rejected Princesses - Jason Porath

After years of having enjoyed the web entries, I finally got my hands on the first book and was not disappointed.

There are the more entertaining entries, of course and the art is as charming as always, but what struck me the most were the more difficult stories. The deeper you go into this book, the more horrific it gets. The author does not hold back on the indignities suffered by the historical figures he writes about. It’s terrible...but also very, very illuminating.

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

This book - while maintaining all the essential information in it - could be pared down to one sentence in a sea of blank pages and that sentence would be: trust your instincts. End of story.

But in a world where instincts are either customarily suppressed or going haywire, it’s not quite that easy, which is why I’m glad there is more to the book.

I picked it up thinking “ha ha, betcha can’t help a person with anxiety who fears all the time already” and...what it actually ended up doing was giving me the tools to differentiate between real fear and unfounded fear. And did help with the anxiety quite a bit.

Fanfiction

Watch Over Me - cakeisatruth

A Bioshock fic from the point of view of a little sister who is learning how to trust and be an ordinary child again. Dark and sweet. An excellent combo.

All That is Visible - Ultima_Thule

An exploration of a minor character in a well researched historical context? That’s my jam! How did they know?? A Tron fic about what it’s like to be a female programmer in the 70s.

Graphic Novels

The Adventure Zone - McElroys + Carey Pietsch

Yesssssssss! It was a running-to-the-library type event whenever my library got a new volume in. The jokes are so good, the art is so lively and the ways in which they added the details that the podcast couldn’t necessarily get across is *mwah*

Trail of Blood - Shuuzou Oshimi

Hoooooooly shit, the art style of this one!! It’s beautifully detailed and expressive, sure, but the real draw for me was how it changes with the emotional state of the main character. There’s this sequence in which he’s consumed with anxiety at school and all of his classmates become blurry and unfocused, until they can’t be recognized as humans at all, that particularly sticks with me.

It’s a horror story about a kid who witnesses his loving mother push his cousin off a cliff for seemingly no reason and is then obligated by her to keep the secret, which is eating him from the inside out. It’s so good, guys, please read it.

Level Up - Gene Lien Yang/Thien Pham

A story about a kid who is haunted by his late father’s desire for him to become a gastroenterologist. It’s funny and touching and the ending gave me what I can only describe as a feeling of exhilaration. Y’know that feeling when something unexpected but not out of left field, perfectly in tune with the narrative arc and gut bustingly funny happens, all in the same panel? That one.

Film

Searching

This is a fairly standard thriller about a dad trying to find out what happened to his missing daughter. It’s also found footage...but not in the usual way, which was what made it so compelling to me. It’s told through the dad’s phone calls, google searches, social media interactions, news footage, security cameras and webcams. It was such a cool way to tell a story.

Train to Busan

There’s a lot that’s already been said about this movie and I don’t think there’s much more I can meaningfully add to that. Suffice to say that ya gotta take care of each other if you’re going to survive a zombie apocalypse!!

TV Series

My Brother’s Husband

As close to a perfect adaptation as a person can get (barring the entire conversation in English which was...oof). I was so happy when they took it a step further and showed Kana and Yaichi actually getting to meet Mike’s family.

Zumbo’s Just Desserts

I watched a lot of baking shows this year. Like...a lot. They were my much-needed comfort viewing for the year and this one was my favorite, even over The Great British Baking Show (which I LOVE). Why? Because the pastry chef for whom it’s named makes such bizarre and wonderful desserts and fosters an environment in which the competitors do the same. I’ve never seen anything like a lot of the desserts that make an appearance on this show. Every single episode was an awesome surprise and so help me, this show had better get a third season.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s also a lot that’s been said about this one, so I won’t say much more. Suffice to say: DAMN. That’s how you do an 80s toy tie-in cartoon remake.

Infinity Train

This show’s premise is probably the most unique I’ve seen in recent years. Its balance of comedy, horror and existential dread is also *mwah* I also love how much it trusts the viewer to figure things out on their own.

Primal

A late entry sliding in before the year ends! I finally got to watch the second half of the first season last weekend and it was EXCELLENT. The pacing, the brutal fight scenes, the adorable dinosaur antics, the animation, the quiet moments - *mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah*

The most emotional moment for me was the part in which the protagonists watch, with sorrow, as the rabid dinosaur who’s been trying to kill them all night dies an excruciating death.

Also it sets up a fascinating new plotline right before ending in a cliffhanger!! Another one for the ‘had better get a next season’ list.

Games

Night in the Woods

This is one that’s been on my to play list for a few years and I was so glad I finally got my hands on it. It’s like...The Millennial Experience (TM), the game. I felt so seen, playing it. The character writing was fantastic.

Prey

I don’t know why I put off finishing this for so long. I guess I wasn’t in the right alien killing headspace for a while?? Anyway, the setting is gorgeous, the alien biology is weird and cool, the ethics are delightfully murky and the interconnectedness of the station was really cool, especially in the OH SHIT moments at the end.

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

I tried to narrow this down to one favorite arc, but found that I couldn’t do it. I love Balance for its comedy and creative energy. I love Amnesty for its drama and acting. I am loving Graduation for the depth of its world and the way in which the real story behind everything that’s happened is slowly unfurling. It’s a good podcast all around.

The Magnus Archives

Who obsessively listened to every single season while playing Minecraft in about a month? Surely not me, nooooo. Of course not.

There’s also been a lot said on this one, so I’ll keep it brief. I’ve seen things in here that I haven’t really seen elsewhere in horror. My particular favorites were the creepy psychiatric hospital in which the horror comes not from the patients, but from the denial of the doctor to believe them about their mental illnesses and every single thing related to the Anthropocene. The one with the Amazonian village made out of trash - CHILLS.

#tma #taz #prey 2017 #night in the woods #infinity train #warlock holmes #she-ra #zumbo's just desserts #a thought

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skamamoroma · 4 years

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I have to admit I am a little disappointed with a few things this season at this point and it’s such a damn shame. Not everyone will agree with me and that’s no problem but these are my thoughts ☺️

They had me in the palm of their hand at the beginning and for quite a few of the early episodes. It was stellar, moving, intriguing, creatively structured and I was so interested to see Arthur navigate the d/Deaf community and his hearing loss. All of it was so engaging and made so much sense. I learned so much!

That said, after a while I felt a little disillusioned because of repetition. One thing, for me, that was stellar about the original is how succinct and expositionless the show was. It was so real and I LOVED when they even missed stuff out for us to work out and weren’t wholly full circle because it felt like real life but the seasons still made total sense and we still felt the character arc.

The repetition is fine, it wasn’t my favourite way for the show to get the point across that Arthur was struggling to find his place and struggling to live life as he always had done... and struggling to navigate stuff with the boys and Alexia. But it served its purpose I guess.

I absolutely understand the themes of “between two worlds” and isolation and the navigation of a young person and disability. There’s so much to learn there and I don’t for a second dispute that the show did research because my goodness - they did. Those clips have been, for me, the best of the season. There has clearly been so much overwhelming effort and that’s wonderful and I have seen so many folks who understand Arthur’s journey feeling so happy and represented which is... well that’s special.

But then the show kind of lost it a little for me with the relationship stuff. To be honest, for me as a person, I don’t put much stock in sex or intimate scenes but I do put a lot of stock in relationships between people whether they’re friendships or romantic love.

I was really happy that we were seemingly getting an established relationship for the first time with Skam outside of Eva/Jonas because we’d seen these two characters and knew and loved them! I wasn’t necessarily big on Arthur and Alexia as early on they felt shoehorned together for the sake of it but the show did a lovely job of showing them together, explaining why they were together and really establishing Alexia as this source of warmth for Arthur.

It’s not that I’m sold on them as a couple so much that I’d be devestated if they broke up. That would have been fine with me. I expected drama but it would have been so refreshing if that came from within their relationship. But the show, for me, dropped the ball with the romance and god is it a shame.

It’s obvious people will compare here with Lucas/Eliott. Cheating is an element of that season. It always has been in every version. Is it right? Absolutely not. But it has its purpose as we’ve seen time and time again and it’s tied to the themes of the season. We watch from Lucas’ perspective and so obviously are supporting and understanding him. So we have no emotional attachment or understanding of Lucille except for through Eliott and we understand immediately that they aren’t ok, that Eliott wants to end things and we see their relationship in glimpses and it isn’t good. We don’t have investment there and we also understand why Lucas is doing what he’s doing with Chloe because we’re seeing his mind being twisted. None of it is ok but the relationships that fall apart are both toxic or built on lies or unhealthy or close to over and we have a love story play out where both participants receive their source of understanding and warmth and comfort and understanding from each other. It’s messy but it makes sense despite that. But the fundamental is that the love story can be enjoyed and watched as a positive thing despite the mess. All of that stuff was tied to the issue of sexuality as Lucas felt confused and the issue of mental illness as Eliott felt controlled... here, it is added as an aside and the link is Noèe is Arthur’s gateway to this beautiful new community... but romance here is not necessary. It was chosen and it could have worked perfectly but I’m kinda sad they did it in this way.

Here, I’m so disappointed they have effectively presented Noèe similar to the way they presented Eliott (like an Even). She’s bold and beautiful and feisty and creative. She is a gateway to this new world and is kind and gentle and supportive. She had all of these sweeping beautiful moments and their chemistry was wonderful... but I couldn’t enjoy those moments because we have Alexia waiting in the sidelines.

It’s not the same. Alexis is a character who is loved. She is a character we know and have invested in and who has, traditionally, been sidelined in most remakes as the comedy female and often sadly focused on because of weight and actively dismissed because of it... and so we have emotions for her. We see her support and try with Arthur, offer him advice and love. We see how she doesn’t maybe get it perfect but goodness she tries to hard.

And we watch her for weeks be cheated on and lied to. It’s just so disappointing to me and doesn’t narratively make sense to me. It overshadows and taints the stuff with Noèe and rubbishes Alexia as a character... and for what purpose? The between two worlds idea was stark enough without romance included. It makes both romances, to me, seem unhealthy. Perhaps that’s the intention? If so, fine! If Arthur ends up alone knowing he has to navigate this himself then I’d understand him being flawed and struggling and making mistakes with both girls but I don’t think that’s what will happen.

I’m struggling to see the value of the way it has been done, sadly. I love messy flawed characters but stuff has to narratively make sense and all of the emotional stuff is there... I understand WHY Arthur would like Noèe, I understand their relationship, I understand Alexia and I could understand Arthur being torn but to do it this way not only makes us feel disappointed in Arthur, it presents Alexia as the scorned woman and reinforces all those stereotypes her character was sadly built on (aka that she will be second best or overlooked) and it taints Arthur and Noèe’s relationship from the outset. What a shame. Skam France seems to have a habit or doing this - they did it with s4. They push stuff so far that they end up achieving something that is so damaged or broken that by the end people find it difficult to be on board.

I’ve said it so many times but had it just been about Noèe then I’d have been 100% on board because she’s a dream!

And now to place a kiss directly after Arthur explaining how he has been physically (and no doubt) emotionally abused by his father felt crass! I get that it was an emotional moment but that’s a reveal we’ve been waiting for and a sickening one. That cut scene made me feel sick.

I’m curious as to how they will develop things. Obviously there’s a lot happening but I just feel disappointed that so many of the moments this season where we are supposed to feel something have either been repetitive, overshadowed by negativity or have been placed there for dramatic purposes rather than genuine movement in the plot. So so so much good has been done and I am so thrilled for the young Deaf community in France that they have so much of this season which had been meticulously researched and supported by those who know what it is to be deaf/hoh. That can only be a positive thing but I do feel like this season has lost its way, for me, and I’m struggling to engage in the way I normally would because of stuff I really don’t want to be focusing on... there are bigger more important things to focus on and it is all being drowned out with pointless and illogical relationship drama that truly isn’t needed. Anyway - let me know your thoughts! It’s perfectly ok not to agree with mine ❤️

#skam france #sf5 ep7 #thoughts etc

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paulamakesfilms · 3 years

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Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (Slade, 2018)

!film review!

Bandersnatch is an INTERACTIVE (yes, you read that right) film about a young computer game developer in the mid-80s. Stefan (the protagonist) spends the whole film trying to develop a game called ‘Bandersnatch’, a make your own adventure game; so, just like the film, you choose what the character does.

Short review: Watch this film if you can. It is a wild ride. The craziest things happen that simply blow your mind and challenge your perceptions. It’s like a normal black mirror episode on steroids; all the intelligent and unexpected plot twists.. etc. And, of course, you get to choose what happens; there are 10 different main endings! Best audience interaction you could imagine.

Deep dive review: This will be probably the longest review I’ve ever written because all of the elements of ‘Bandersnatch’ are just so interesting and I love this film, thank you David Slade <3.

Firstly, the title deserves recognition. ‘Bandersnatch’ is a fictional character from books in the 19th century and he is typically described as a furious and unpredictable creature. Those exact words can be used to describe the protagonist. Even though we get to choose his actions, he is incredibly unpredictable, and, if you’ve watched this film you will know he can definitely be quite furious (hint: ash tray scene :0).

Next! The narrative (narratives?) itself is very creative to say the least. There are many plot twists that come out of nowhere and are simply CRAZY but somehow make perfect sense. The narrative explores mental illness; we know Stefan is struggling due to his actions, therapy scenes, medication etc. Sometimes it can be confusing to decipher whether the events we are watching are reality or in Stefan’s warped mind but I think that is part of the point; as the audience we are supposed to be challenged and introduced to new perceptions of time, reality etc. From what I understand from the film and reviews, the film is supposed to challenge the idea of free will. How much control do we actually have as humans? How many choices are actually ours to make? More specifically, the film introduces the idea that we don’t have much free will at all. “When you make a decision,” Colin instructs, “you think it’s you doing it, but it’s not.” For example, the film pushes you to certain storylines whether you want it to or not. In one scene, you choose whether a character takes LSD and even if you choose the ‘no’ option, he takes it anyway. So, there’s that; how much free will do we have?

That’s what I love about Black Mirror; the deep mind-bending questions that really make you think.

There are 10 different main endings. I could sit here and talk about all the one’s I’ve watched but 1) that would take a while and 2) so many spoilers </3. Most of the endings that I have watched/ read about are pretttty cool. Importantly, I feel like I should say that I had a lot of fun watching this film (like 4 times woops); I gasped audibly at times, smiled at the intelligent plots, laughed at the absurd twists (you know what I mean if you watched the fight scene) and cringed at the horrifying moments.

Characters! Stefan, the protagonist, was fantastic- he was acted out well, totally believable. His dad annoyed me at times I won’t lie, he always said the same thing over and over again and kept butting in but I guess that’s just his character. Colin was my favourite character; I loved his crazy dialogue. Dr Haynes also annoyed me; if only she believed Stefan every time he sort of broke the 4th wall and talked about being controlled. That makes me wonder- was Stefan ever ‘crazy’? Surely he was right about everything… and only we understand him… huh…

Film form! The mise-en-scene was impeccable, the 80s vibe was strong and thriving through the clothing, locations, dialogue. The cinematography was also nice; lighting sometimes had meaning and cool colours. Obviously, the editing was impressive; I cannot imagine how long it must have taken to A) film all of the different clips and B) edit those clips and add the interactive interface too. Good work y’all. The music deserves an honourable mention. It added a lot of tension, especially when you have to make a choice and the timer is running out. Stress levels= high.

I am not rating this film a 10/10 and here’s why: at times, I was confused about where I was in the narrative and what had actually happened/ what was a dream/ was skipped or cancelled because the choices sometimes force you to go back and choose a different option. To be fair, they do replay a quick time lapse to show you what has happened (sometimes). But still, we are of course pushed towards the main narratives and therefore it can get confusing and annoying when you are forced to go back.

Overall, fantastic film. Even without the interactive feature, I think I would have enjoyed it due to the meaning behind the narrative, film form and the whole crazy Black Mirror energy. Of course, the interactive feature was very cool and made the film so fun and exciting to watch. I recommend watching it a couple of times or playing around and skipping backwards to choose different options. There are really impressive scenes and endings to discover.

In my expert* opinion, I’d rate this film a strong 8.5/10.

* I am not an expert.

paulamakesfilms

#bandersnatch #black mirror #netflix #paulamakesfilms #films #film #movie #movies #film review #film blog

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hongism · 5 years

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finding beauty in your darkest places - chapter 3

Pairing: TBA (ot7 x reader potentially in the future, unsure at the moment)

Genre: Psychiatric Clinic!au, Heavy Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 6947

Warnings: strong language; deals with mental and emotional illnesses and disorders as a heavy theme of the story, future graphic depictions of disorders - please do not read if this makes you uncomfortable

Rating: PG-13/Mature

Summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there.

aka

Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn't work out according to his plan.

a/n: i know jungkook doesn’t have a younger brother named hyungsik, but he does in this fic. remember it’s a work of fiction!! i’m taking lots of creative liberty with this

Chapter:

2 | 3 | 4

Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places

Chapter 3: Cracking the Mask

Jungkook is moving as fast as he can without running, because the possibility of someone seeing him sprint past or worse, knocking someone over as he runs, is too present at the forefront of his mind. His notebook — the sole reason he went to his room in the first place — lies forgotten on his bed. He doesn’t need it anymore. Something else occupies his interest and attention, and he needs to remedy that before anything else. After seeing Hoseok, Jungkook feels dirty inside, as though he witnessed something meant for no one else’s eyes. He can’t shake the sensation no matter how hard he tries. At this point, there is only one option he has, and that is to seek out answers from the one person Jungkook trusts to ask.

So, for that reason, Jungkook bursts into the library with the expectation to find his target there, and it doesn’t deceive him, because there Namjoon sits. His thick framed glasses have made a return, and as he jerks his head to look at Jungkook, a few loose strands of hair fall over the frames.

“What happened?” He asks, eyes not leaving Jungkook’s. Jungkook must look a complete mess because there’s a thinly veiled look of panic in Namjoon’s expression.

Jungkook’s chest heaves as he struggles to catch his breath, only now aware of the anxiety attack that plagues his body. He tries to speak but his voice fails him, and he’s left making strange motions in the air.

Namjoon shuts the book in his lap, and the snap of the pages resounds through the room. The sound flips a switch in Jungkook’s mind. He returns to reality a moment later, head still spinning and heart still racing.

“Ho-Hoseok,” Jungkook manages to stutter. “What’s wrong with him? I need answers, please. I need to know.”

First, a sigh in response. Then, Namjoon doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, simply staring at the wall with pursed lips that accentuate the dimples in his cheeks.

“This isn’t going to be the answer you want, but I’m going to remind you again that it isn’t your business to pry, Jungkook. I’m not doing this out of spite or to purposefully keep you in the dark. Simply put, I can’t share information about the conditions of the patients here.” Namjoon sets his book to the side. Jungkook watches the movement as he gnaws the inside of his cheek. But why not? What’s the big issue here?

“Fine,” he bites back, leaving Namjoon a bit shocked. “Then tell me what Yesung meant about Yoongi and Y/N.” He knows that he’s testing his luck, and Namjoon will most likely shut him down again, but Jungkook has too many questions to care.

“Jungkook…you already know what I’m going to tell you.”

“You’ll say it’s not my business, but it is. It became my business when I witnessed the fight in the dining room. As a matter of fact, shouldn’t it be everybody’s business now?” Namjoon leans forward, hand finding his forehead, and he rubs the skin there while laughing weakly.

“You’re too damn smart and persistent. If you aren’t careful, you’ll do just fine as a troublemaker here.” Jungkook smiles to himself at the words. “Look, anything I tell you from this point on does not leave this room. You keep it to yourself. Don’t tell Taehyung, Y/N, nurses — no one. Got it?”

“Loud and clear.”

“When Hoseok came in, I was already a patient. At the time, I was assigned to be the person to help Hoseok get settled in and figure out how things work around the clinic. We were close early on because we’re the same age, so I used that as a common ground to get to know him better. I made a lot of effort to maintain that closeness with him, but as time passed we grew apart because Hoseok needed to be alone or away from other patients. It progressed quickly and in a bad way, to a point where no one would see Hoseok for days. Whenever we did see him…it was like a blank slate. All the effort and progress seemed to be erased. I can’t in good conscience tell you exactly what Hoseok is struggling with, but it’s nothing good. It’s not right to compare, especially here of all places, but I believe that his case is the worst out of everyone at the clinic. There isn’t much Omelas can do for him in all honesty.”

“Why is he here of all places then? There are other facilities and hospitals he could be at.”

Namjoon glances past Jungkook, eyeing the door then scanning the room. He motions for Jungkook to come a bit closer, and the younger does as asked, squatting beside Namjoon’s chair. “Again, this is between the two of us.”

“Of course.”

“I have a theory that Omelas keeps certain patients here to be an example to outsiders and potential patients. I think the Clinic operates in a way that wants to have patients coming back time and time again rather than actually helping over time. The way Omelas gains its good reputation is by having a state of the art facility and the best residential style clinic there is, but the staff themselves are no better than anyone else out there. There…we have — Omelas has a history with nurses and issues among staff, but they sweep it under the rug and act like nothing happens. If the public were to find out about those issues, Omelas would lose credibility and patients and money, which is the biggest concern for them.”

“I expected that much, to be honest,” Jungkook says.

“Do not argue with me, Mr. Jeon. I am making this decision because it is the best decision for you right now. I ask that you try the medication for at least one to three months before switching to something different again.”

“Just based on my meetings with the doctors so far. They changed one of my meds to something I’ve tried before, but I noticed that some of the other patients have that medication.”

“Saving money by ordering the same pills for multiple people,” Namjoon explains. “When the most important case needs a switch, other patients get the same switch as well. Omelas gets away with it too. It’s not like we have a voice to tell anyone, right?”

“Then…the issues with staff…is that why the nurses took so long to separate Y/N, Mingyu, and Yesung?”

“The nurses like to let things happen from time to time because it teaches the other patients a lesson. If Y/N and Mingyu get in a fight, the rest of us see the consequences. In unfortunate cases, people like Taehyung are affected negatively because of those “lessons”. Even Mingyu suffers from it because of his condition. It’s a domino effect for the Clinic. The first domino falls with a fight, then there’s a reaction, a lesson, and consequence. Because of the negative effects on certain patients, nurses have to take a few steps back with them and redo treatment. Then they’re extending the stay of the patients and making money all the while. They know they’ll never run out of situations like the one that happened today because of the radical instability between patients. Perfect system really.” Jungkook squints at the older man.

“How do you know so much about all the patients?”

“Research and experience.”

Experience from what? He said he’s never been to another facility. Omelas is the only one. Jungkook sits back on his heels, gaze finding the floor.

“We currently have two patients who have been here for almost six years now, but that’s the longest anyone has stayed.”

Six years would give you plenty of time for research and experience… Seeing people come and go so much, you’d really learn a lot, huh?

“Anyways, enough about that. Did you need anything else?” Namjoon asks. He tilts his head to the side slightly, and Jungkook blinks up at him.

“I’m still curious about what Yesung meant earlier. You know, the whole Y/N and Yoongi issue? It seemed like such a specific insult that there must be something behind it.” The warmth in Namjoon’s eyes drops, quickly turning cold, and he stands up before Jungkook can even blink.

“Quit asking, Jungkook.”

“I’m so-sorry, I was just c—”

“I don’t want to talk about them so you shouldn’t bother.”

“Talk about Yoongi and Y/N?”

“Drop it now before I have to say it again.”

Jungkook’s jaw stutters a bit, moving along with his mouth but no sound comes out. He pushes himself to his feet and tries to ignore the shaky weakness pulsing through his legs. “S-Sorry,” he stammers at Namjoon’s back. “I’m sorry for bringing it up again. Sorry. I’ll, uh, I’m gonna go.” He can’t tell himself that he isn’t running away from his problems because he ditches Namjoon where he stands and bolts down the hallway. He could’ve waited to see Namjoon’s reaction, or tried to explain himself further, or even apologized a bit more. Although, as he makes his hasty retreat back in the direction of his room, Jungkook thinks that there was nothing else he could’ve said to Namjoon. The hostility in his tone and the sudden anger at Jungkook’s mention of Yoongi and Y/N came out of left field, but Jungkook was facing right. He hates that he’s leaving with more questions than answers.

At the very least, he got a good amount of information from Namjoon before the conversation turned sour, and Jungkook plans to scribble it all down in his journal before he forgets it. He normally waits until the end of the day to put those thoughts to paper, saving it for when no one can interrupt him or intrude on his secret compilation of information about Omelas and the patients within it. It would be horrible and embarrassing if anyone saw those pages because Jungkook has notes about everything he knows about each person in the clinic, as well as general information about what he’s noticed between patients (such as the connection between Yoongi and Y/N that he still has no insight on). Now he can add Namjoon to that equation though, because the hostility came from somewhere, and Jungkook just needs to figure out where and how its linked to the others.

Jungkook slows his pace as he walks through the hall of bedrooms just to look at Hoseok’s door.

“It’s not right to compare, especially here of all places, but I believe that his case is the worst out of everyone at the clinic. There isn’t much Omelas can do for him in all honesty.”

He makes another mental note to add that bit of information to his journal as well under Hoseok’s name, alongside the comment you made when Hoseok walked into the dining hall this morning. Those plans may have to wait for awhile though, because as soon as he steps into his bedroom, he is greeted by three faces instead of the zero he expected.

“Uh…” He freezes in the doorway, hand still resting on the handle, and blinks from face to face.

“I told you we should have done this in my room.” You speak first. You cross your arms over your chest and send a pointed glare towards Jimin, who stands beside Taehyung’s bed in a similar stance. Jimin responds with an equally heated glare, then rolls his eyes when you don’t relent.

“Should I come back later?” Jungkook offers, motioning over his shoulder. You drop your arms to your side and sigh. As you move, Jungkook notices the white bandages the encompass both hands, tucked neatly around your palms. You clench your fingers around the bandages when Jungkook’s stare lingers. “I can go,” he offers again. You shake your head then look towards the bed where Taehyung sits, knees tucked to his chest and arms hugging them closer. Taehyung doesn’t look in Jungkook’s direction, and Jungkook fights to swallow the lump in his throat. Still ignoring me…acting like I don’t even exist.

“It’s fine. We were just finishing up,” you explain and make a move to walk out the door. A strangled noise escapes Taehyung’s lips, and he jerks his head up when you start moving, leaving the rest of them to wait for him to say something. He never speaks though, and so Jimin pushes past you to snatch Jungkook by the arm and tug him into the hallway. He slides the door shut before anyone can say anything in protest.

“Just a few minutes, I promise,” Jimin explains when he releases Jungkook’s arm. Jungkook blinks at the shorter man, skin stinging where he grabbed him.

“Is something wrong?” he asks.

“No.” A sharp inhale, prolonged exhale, then — “Well, actually, I have a question. If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Go ahead!” As long as you don’t ask me anything personal, Jungkook adds to himself, biting down hard on his lower lip. Jimin scratches the back of his neck and blinks at the door for a few moments before continuing with his train of thought.

“Do you — do you think badly of Taehyung for what happened the first day you were here? Like, the whole thing with the nurses and that incident? Taehyung has been worried about it ever since it happened honestly. He brings it up all the time, and even though I try to reassure him, he still believes that you think he’s crazy. I mean, I know we’re at a mental health clinic, but — no one here is crazy. Not the way Taehyung thinks he is.”

“Oh.” The sound leaves Jungkook’s mouth without him wanting it to, and he doesn’t mean to sound so shocked at the revelation from Jimin. Rather, he gets the same sensation he felt when he witnessed Taehyung’s breakdown on the first day. The feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing himself in Taehyung, seeing a reflection of who he is and what goes through his head every day. And the irony of it all is that as much as Taehyung has been avoiding him, Jungkook has been doing the same despite not wanting to admit it.

“I—if you do, you know, hold it against him…could we not mention it to him? I don’t want this to make anything worse—”

“Wait, no! I don’t hold it against him, I promise! In all honesty, I-I thought the same thing. I was worried about him thinking I’m crazy and that I was being intrusive when that happened. I really don’t think badly of Taehyung in any way.”

“Ah, thank goodness! I knew Taehyung was overthinking it, but it’s so hard to get him to think straight again after something like that happens.”

“So, uh, then was that what you guys were discussing at breakfast?”

“You mean what caused the fight? Yea, we were talking about that before you got here as well. Taehyung is a bit upset with Y/N for making a big deal out of it. I don’t blame him but, well don’t tell Y/N I said this or else she’ll get salty about it, but she was right to start a fight with Mingyu and Yesung. I think one of them is the culprit too, so if she hadn’t confronted them, then I would’ve done it myself.”

“If it’s so important to Taehyung, why wouldn’t he want to make a big deal out of it?”

“It is important, yes, but Taehyung hates conflict. The last thing he wants is to be the cause of conflict, so he feels responsible for the fight this morning. Can’t convince him that it’s not no matter what though.” Jimin shakes his head, dirty blonde hair falling over his forehead.

“Why is the bear so important anyways?” Jungkook inquires. Jimin doesn’t acknowledge the question, acting as though he didn’t hear what Jungkook said despite the fact that they were having an active conversation less than a minute ago. Jungkook blinks at the man’s profile for a few moments and waits for him to snap back to reality, but Jimin stays quiet. “Uh, why is the bear important?” He repeats a bit louder. Jimin looks at Jungkook with wide and clouded eyes.

“Oh, it helps keep Taehyung’s thoughts in order.” Jungkook nods slowly.

“So what does Y/N have to do with it?”

“The bear was a gift from her.” Jimin says it as though the fact is common knowledge and Jungkook should already know this. Jungkook has more questions, wants to know why Y/N gave Taehyung the bear and how the bear helps keep his thoughts in order when it’s only a stuffed animal, but he doesn’t get the opportunity to ask. The door slides open all the sudden, startling both Jimin and Jungkook. You stand behind it, eyes on Jimin.

“Let’s talk, Park.” You brush past Jungkook, not sparing him a glance, and start walking down the hallway without waiting for Jimin to respond or follow.

“Ah, wait up!” He rolls his eyes as he calls after you, but you make no signs of slowing down. “I’ll see you later, Jungkook. Bye Tae! See you in a bit!”

With that, Jungkook is left to the silence that is contained within his bedroom. Even though Jimin confirmed that Taehyung isn’t ignoring him, Jungkook cannot prevent the overwhelming sense of anxiety that rushes through his system now that he’s alone with Taehyung. He could turn and leave rather than facing Taehyung, but that would seem too suspicious. Also, he doesn’t want to risk hurting Taehyung’s feelings any more than he already has, albeit unintentionally. So, he pushes the anxiety down and steps into the room, quietly closing the door behind him and going to sit on his bed without looking in Taehyung’s direction.

The bed squeaks as he sits on his mattress.

Taehyung hasn’t moved an inch from the position he was in when Jungkook first got to the room, and he doesn’t make any effort to move now. Neither of them speak, or look at each other either, even though Jungkook is facing him. He knows that he should be the one to make an effort and breach conversation, but he can’t think of what to say.

The bed keeps creaking as Jungkook fidgets, moving his legs under him then dropping them off the side of the bed again and repeating the process five more times without any release from the discomfort. Then all the sudden it isn’t Jungkook’s bed that is creaking because Taehyung shifts and climbs out of bed, and Jungkook panics more than he already is, which shouldn’t even be possible at this rate.

“Are you feeling any better?” He blurts at Taehyung’s back. Taehyung hesitates, stopping in his tracks to glance over his shoulder. Jungkook regrets opening his mouth now. “I-I mean, I hope — I was hoping that you’re feeling better.”

“Do you think I’m strange or crazy?”

“Hmm? What? No, not at all!” Jungkook shakes his head as Taehyung sits back down on the edge of his bed, still making an effort to not look in Jungkook’s direction. “I…well, I thought you saw me as weird and strange and crazy. I thought you were ignoring because of that.” Taehyung tilts his head to the side.

“I never thought that actually. Really I’m just embarrassed about having an episode in front of you, and I feel bad that it had to happen on your first day.”

“I hope they’re able to find your bear,” Jungkook says. “If there’s anything I can do to help…” Taehyung’s chin finally turns in his direction, and his warm brown eyes meet Jungkook’s. He grins, lips forming a rectangle, and the skin around his eyes scrunches up.

“Thanks, it means a lot. I trust that Y/N and Jimin can find it, but I need to tell myself that it won’t be the end of the world if they can’t find it. Oh, by the way, uh, do you know what I have?” Jungkook suffers a lapse of judgement in that moment, because he blinks at Taehyung with a blank expression and no clue as to what he’s talking about. Taehyung laughs then points to his head, tapping his temple while smiling.

“A-Ah, sorry! I don’t know. It’s not really my place to ask though, is it?”

“I guess, yea. Y/N always tells me that when I ask somebody that. Personally, I don’t really like to talk about my problems, you know? I’d much rather act like nothing is wrong with me even though I know that there is. It’s easy to pretend nothing’s wrong sometimes. And avoiding people who witness my episodes and switches is a way for me to cope with the stress of it all. The bear…the bear helps a lot too. It made things better for awhile, but I think that recently things have gotten a bit worse. I mean, even before I lost the bear. When I first got here, it started out as Cyclothymia, but I’m not sure what it is anymore.” Cyclo—what? “Well, I need to leave for my afternoon appointment. Thanks for talking to me and humoring my rant.”

Taehyung is up and out the door before Jungkook can react. That afternoon, while Taehyung is gone and he has the room to himself, Jungkook writes down every bit of information he can from the fight in the morning to the word ‘cyclothymia’ that he has barely any idea how to spell.

∞

“Mr. Jeon, you have some visitors in the reception area.” The nurse in the doorway interrupts Jungkook as he’s tugging a sweatshirt down over his white t-shirt.

“Huh?” He says in response, needing a confirmation on what he thinks he heard.

“You have two visitors waiting for you in the reception area.”

I do? Is it Sunday already? Jungkook follows the nurse out the door after tucking his journal back under the mattress. Taehyung left minutes ago for his morning appointment, and Jungkook was going to head over to the entertainment room to play the piano for a bit, but this must take precedence over that.

The nurse doesn’t speak as he leads Jungkook to the reception area, leaving him in the dark about who might be visiting, although Jungkook has a vague idea about who it could be. His suspicions are confirmed the minute he steps through the white door with the small rectangular window that he hasn’t seen since his first day in the clinic.

“Oh, Jungkook!”

He wasn’t expecting to be hit by such a strong wave of emotions. It’s only been a week after all, but seeing his mom jump up from the stiff white chairs and lunge for him with arms open wide makes his eyes sting within an instant. She grabs hold of him as soon as he’s within arm’s reach, pulling him into a tight hug and running her fingers through his hair that he forgot to brush this morning. Hell, he would’ve made an effort to look more put together if he had known she was coming to visit. She didn’t come alone either, as Jungkook can see when he looks past her shoulder to spot his younger brother standing a few feet away, scratching his neck and staring at the floor as their mom smothers Jungkook. She pulls back for a moment only to press her hands on either side of his face. She scans his features over and over before the tears start flowing.

“How was your first week? Is everything going okay? How are you? Oh, goodness, Jungkook, my baby, I missed you so much already!”

“Mom, I’m fine. My first week was fine. It’s okay, you don’t need to worry so much. It’s only been a week!” He sighs as she keeps fussing over his hair and face but can’t keep the smile off his lips. “Hey, Hyungsik.”

“Hey, hyung. You’re looking thinner.”

“Oh, are they not feeding you enough? You’re a growing boy, they should be feeding you lots! Do I need to talk to them?”

“Everything is fine. I’m not losing weight, I’m being fed plenty, and if anything, it’s just the stress of the first week.”

“Stress? You said it was fine!”

“Just settling in! The stress of settling in, that’s what I mean.” Jungkook struggles to reassure his mom that things are alright. He nudges her back towards the chairs, falling into one himself.

“Has anyone been mean or harsh towards you? Making friends? Good roommate?” She continues to grill him with questions as she sits back down, hand finding his and holding it in a tight grip.

“Everything has been great. I’ve been making a few friends, and my roommate is great. You really don’t need to worry about anything, mom.”

“You’re my baby. Of course I have to worry!” Then why did you stick me in here? Jungkook knows he can’t ruin the moment with the question, so he forces his next smile.

“Hyungsik is your baby! He’s the younger one, after all. Besides, I’ll be out in no time and back home before you know it.”

“Usually, no one leaves in less than a year because of a willingness and a drive to continue treatment.”

Nurse Irene’s words haven’t left his mind, but Jungkook can’t imagine having to stay here for more than a year. He’ll say and do anything to get out in less time than that. His mom frowns at his hopeful statement. She doesn’t say anything to discourage him even though her thoughts are clear in Jungkook’s eyes.

“Uh, where’s Dad?” He inquires, trying to shift the subject. “Why didn’t he come too?”

“It was work, honey.”

“He doesn’t work on Sundays though.”

“A business trip. He left on Friday.” Jungkook drops his gaze, lips snapping together. “I didn’t tell him we were planning to come! If he had known, I know he would’ve come along to see you.” No he wouldn’t have. He probably knew before Friday and just took the trip to have an excuse to not be here.

“I shouldn’t keep you guys too long,” Jungkook says. He pulls his hand out of his mother’s grip, wiping his palms against his sweatpants as he gets up.

“We’ve barely talked, honey!”

“I…I have an appointment soon,” he lies with a crooked smile. His mom’s frown deepens, but she doesn’t argue with him. Instead she gets up and envelops Jungkook with another warm hug.

“I promise that we’ll come back again soon, okay? I’ll bring Dad next time too.”

“Yea, that sounds good. I’ll try to visit when I’m able to start going out. Drop by from time to time or something.” Her hand cups his cheek again, bringing his gaze back to her somewhat bloodshot eyes from the earlier tears.

“Remember to eat well, and get lots of sleep! Try to get as much fresh air as you can too. Don’t stay in your room all the time either. Talk to people and socialize, okay? I hope you’ll put on a little weight by the time I come back. Your brother’s right: you look a bit skinnier. Be honest with the doctors and nurses!”

“Okay, okay, Mom. I get it, yea? Eat, sleep, socialize, fresh air.”

“Good. Ugh, I already want to come back to see you and I haven’t even left! I’ll let you go so you can get to your appointment! I love you, honey.”

“I love you too, Mom. See you, Hyungsik.”

“Bye, hyung. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Jungkook turns around first. Heads for the door and joins the nurse who still stands in the threshold of the doorway. He steps through without looking back, because he knows that if he looks over his shoulder, the tears pricking the corners of his eyes may start to fall, and that’s the last thing he wants his mom and brother to see before they leave. He needs to be put together for them. He has to have his shit together so they think he’s fine. Because he is. Maybe it’ll make them realize that they shouldn’t have dumped him here and they’ll pull him out before he gets sucked deeper. The white door slams shut. The sound echoes through the hallway. The nurse at his side doesn’t stick around any longer, heading off without Jungkook and leaving him feeling even more alone.

He can’t stave off the tremble in his hands as he walks, even as he presses them against his legs in attempts to control it. The walk to the entertainment room feels longer than it actually is. Thoughts running at a hundred miles per second, and Jungkook can’t pick out a single coherent one. His mind is a jumbled mess. He wants to feel relieved at the fact that no one is in the entertainment room, and he has the chance to be alone, but the loneliness seeps through his skin. It burrows into his system, hides itself in his feelings, and leaves a growing sense of dread to spread through every fiber of his being.

The ivory keys of the piano are cold when he presses his fingers against them. He doesn’t put much thought into the notes that reach the air as he plays, tapping away to a rhythm only he knows. And after a few minutes of that mindless playing, he starts to hum to himself, then turns the hums into words. It starts out simple and basic, but as he keeps playing, Jungkook feels the screws beginning to loosen. The walls are crumbling. He’s losing the minimal grip he has on reality and sanity. The moistness of tears touches his cheeks, and his hands stutter on the keys, hitting unnecessary flats and sharps. The jarring break of the music flips a switch in Jungkook.

Why did they come? Why? They didn’t need to, it’s only been a week. What did Mom think was going to happen? Does she think I’m some sort of loose cannon? Four institutions, failure after failure. Maybe she assumed I would be done for within the first week this time. God, Hyungsik must be embarrassed to have me as a brother. I’m supposed to be a role model to him. The older brother. The person he looks up to. I can’t even keep my mind straight for five seconds, let alone long enough to hold a conversation with him. Four clinics. Maybe I’m a hopeless case. They can’t fix me because I’m another level of crazy they can’t treat.

He slumps on the bench, elbows slamming against the keys. A sob tears through his chest.

Shit, dammit, fuck. I can’t do it. I can’t recover this time. I won’t be able to. It won’t last, it never has. I won’t even be able to fake it well enough to get out of here.

If anything, the first week has sent Jungkook further into a downward spiral, and he isn’t quite sure where he is going to land in the long run. Balling his fists, he increases the pressure until his nails dig into the skin and pinch there.

I thought I had a grip, a plan, an idea of what the hell I was doing here. Why is it already falling apart? Why is the world crumbling around me?

“Oh, sorry to interrupt!”

Shit. Jungkook covers his eyes even though whoever stands behind him can’t see the tears. He doesn’t move a muscle after that, gnawing on his tongue to gain control over his unsteady breathing.

“Ah, it’s you! Sorry, I can come back later. I know you like to have some time to yourself.”

“No, no, it’s okay! I was just finishing up.” His voice sounds hoarse and croaky. Any attempts or hopes to seem fine just went out the window with his shaky tone. And the newcomer picks up on it too.

“Are you alright? Did something happen?” Her voice is soft, a quiet tone filling the silence ringing in Jungkook’s ear, and he can’t handle it right now. It’s too much.

“Fine! I’m fine! Really, fine,” he insists. He tries to prove his point by standing up, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, and faces the person behind him. He nearly doesn’t recognize her upon first glance, but he has no name to put to her face, only a vague memory of seeing her sit at a table alongside Mingyu and Yesung during meals.

“I-I’m Hyewon. I’m not sure we’ve officially met, but you’re Jungkook, right?”

“Yea, I am.” Jungkook eyes the door over her shoulder, ready to make his escape, but Hyewon keeps him rooted to the spot as she continues to speak.

“You don’t seem okay, even though you said you are. Is there — is there anything I can do to help you? I know the first week is super stressful, and it isn’t any easier trying to handle it on your own. Well, maybe, if something is bothering you—”

“I am perfectly okay. Thanks for asking though.” Jungkook brings his hands up to his chest. The pale haired girl frowns in response, pushing a clump of platinum hair over her shoulder as she tilts her head. “It’s fine.”

“Okay, well, if you ever need to talk or rant about anything…you can talk to me? It would be a little easier than talking to the nurses or doctors, at least I find it easier that way.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need that.” Jungkook keeps shaking his head as he sidesteps around Hyewon. The words can barely leave his lips thanks to the constriction of his throat and the leaden sensation coating his tongue, but it’s enough to make his getaway. He’s out the door and running down the hall faster than Hyewon can react.

Her interruption didn’t halt his breakdown, only paused it for a few precious minutes, and Jungkook knows the worst of it is yet to come. Now, the cold creeps into his fingers and toes, the wobble reaches his knees. The white of the walls and floors bleeds together into one mess of blinding color. He can’t see straight now, and the lack of a grasp on reality pushes his panic further forward.

Tears again.

A sharp collision with the wall of white over his vision.

Cold tile under his hands.

I’m not gonna make it.

All the strength leaves his body in that moment. He can’t pick himself up off the floor, if that’s even where he is, because everything is sideways and askew in his mind; he may as well be laying on the wall with gravity tumbling him from surface to surface.

He hears a strangled sob leave his lips, but he doesn’t feel it.

In fact, he doesn’t feel anything. Even the cold has ebbed away.

The tears don’t stop. Now that he’s lying on his side, they stay out of his vision and give him the opportunity to try to discern reality from hysteria. Head against a door maybe? Curled up on the tile floor? No, not right. Curled up in a fetal position on the door that acts as the floor in Jungkook’s mind. The sound of a door sliding open brings bile to Jungkook’s throat. He wants to hurl as the reality around him distorts further.

“Oh god.” The utterance may come from his mouth, but he isn’t sure.

No, not me. Sound of shoes against the floor. Not me. He wants to hide his face. He still doesn’t have the strength to. Something makes contact with his shoulder. A dry heave follows, and all the moisture gathered in his mouth finds a new home on the floor — or the wall, he still isn’t quite sure of his surroundings.

“Fucking hell, Jeon.” Your voice drifts in and out of his ears, tugging at the strings of reality. “Hey, someone could come at any minute. Let’s get you up.” You touch him again, a harder grip on his shoulder, and ball the fabric of his sweatshirt into your fist. Jungkook heaves again, and bile hits the floor now. “Kid, please.” The desperation in your voice gives Jungkook the slightest bit of incentive and strength, and he stands up with your help. The floor returns to normal, walls becoming walls again in his mind, and he sees the blur of your face out the corner of his eye. As soon as you start trying to walk, however, Jungkook feels the weakness return and stumbles. You tuck one arm across his back and under his armpit, the other still gripping his sweatshirt. You don’t say anything else, not commenting on the clamminess of Jungkook’s skin or the sweat balling in the pits of his sweatshirt.

It takes quite a bit of effort on your part to drag Jungkook to his room, but he feels like he’s flying at high speeds, still queasy from throwing up moments ago. Later (when Jungkook regains a grip on reality), he’ll be grateful that Taehyung isn’t in the room now, but that bit of information doesn’t process as you’re lowering Jungkook onto his bed. You heave a deep sigh, hopping onto the bed as well and slouching against his pillows.

And then silence.

You don’t make an effort to speak, and he’s trying to pull himself together again. After a few minutes, you resituate and kick your legs out on the bed behind Jungkook’s back. He watches you with a careful gaze, eyeing the way you pick at the white bandages over your hands. Either you’re unaware of the stare or you choose to ignore it, because you continue your ministrations without pause.

Jungkook can’t wrap his brain around what the hell just happened to him, and the quiet gives him no release from the confusion. You don’t have answers, he knows that, but right now, that’s all he needs. That’s never happened before. Not that bad. Not so…real and vivid. The only ti—

You’re humming.

And it’s a song only Jungkook should know, because he made it up in the entertainment room a few days ago. Somehow it grounds him, brings a sense of control and ease back to his system that he so desperately needs.

“What are you doing?” He asks. You stop humming.

“To be honest, I’m debating a nap but I’m not quite sure yet.”

“What?”

“Well, as nice as a nap would be, I think I’d much rather ask questions about why you were on the floor in the hallway crying and puking. That’s…much more intriguing, don’t you think?” You cock your head to the side, and even though a smirk doesn’t play at your lips, you bear a playful gleam in your eyes. “Don’t worry so much, kid. Your heart can’t handle that much stress in one day. I just want to make sure you aren’t gonna break down or keel over.”

“Ho…How did you — you know I was out there?”

“I could hear you sobbing from the room I was in.”

Somewhere in the haze of lying on a door, Jungkook recalls the sound of a door sliding open, one that sounded close. But he barely made it into the hallway, definitely didn’t make it past the first set of rooms, so that means —

“Hoseok’s room. It was Hoseok’s room wasn’t it?”

“Whose room? Anyways, why were you having a breakdown?”

“I-I, uh, I — well, um…” He trails off. He couldn’t tell you that even if he wanted to, because he himself has no clue where the breakdown came from or what instigated it.

“You see, Jungkook,” you say as you sit up, folding your legs under you, “I thought I made myself clear on the first day. Don’t pry into business that doesn’t involve you. It’s not something spiteful or any intention to keep a veil over your eyes. Rather, it keeps you out of trouble. Something like the fight yesterday wouldn’t be good for you. It also prevents you from being dragged into things you don’t want to know about.”

“I’m sorry,” he responds. The heat of embarrassment creeps up his neck and ears.

“Don’t apologize. Just don’t do it again, okay? I’m not here to poke and prod you like a doctor would. That’s really not any of my business, but I do want to make sure that you don’t look weak in front of people who could use it against you.”

“What, like you?” He bites back, a huff of forced laughter following the words. You grin like a cheshire. There’s no hint of playfulness or malice behind it; rather, it is simply a smile, and it’s the first genuine one Jungkook has seen cross your lips.

“Alright, Jeon Jungkook. Let’s make a deal.”

“What kind of deal?” He squints at you.

“I will make certain that no one breathes a word about your breakdown today, whoever may have witnessed it. I’ll also make sure that no one finds out about it. It’ll be just between the two of us. How does that sound?”

The deal is tempting, yes, but Jungkook doesn’t know you well enough to trust whatever you might ask for in return. And yet…Hyewon saw Jungkook crumble. She sits with Mingyu and Yesung. If one of them were to find out, Jungkook doesn’t doubt that his life would quickly turn into a living hell.

“And in return?”

Your smile folds into a smirk, the coyness slipping in, and it sends a chill down his spine.

written by: jungtaeyoongles

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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unordinary-analysis · 4 years

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EPISODE 164

Honorable mentions:

Idea: Arlo becomes a fake joker. Idk if he does it either to take down john or just try to use the authority to fix the school, but im entertained by the idea lmao

I miss Cecile but that’s just a given. I miss her even when she’s in the actual episode lol

Technically Arlo’s not the king anymore but everyone’s still terrified of him and I live for that

Arlo and Rei’s ‘I always have a reason’ parallels are great but that just be my love for parallels talking im not sure yet

Not gonna talk about Blyke again until we see him next because apparently you guys very much disagreed with what i said about what he was going to do in my last episode thing so- I want more information to do off of, but honestly, im still kind of sticking to what I originally thought. Blyke getting enhancement drugs, it makes sense you guys are just mean isudhgfusjhgf

Back on that ‘anyways is my favorite word’ agenda

Colors are nice

The last section isn’t very professional but thats just because i was freaking out about the last scene and it very much shows im just so excited guys

This episode, episode 164, marks the 50th episode since I started writing these, so that’s fun.

Also: this is over a week late, I know, but until i post this, know that i haven’t read any episodes after this episode (ep 164). A lot of times when I am late with these I either forget (it’s constant and often and becoming an issue) or im doing something else that’s creative related that i feel the same obligation to do as the obligation to do this (? Making sense? Not sure), and school.so that’s why this is late oops

Ignore that its not important im just sorry this is late

Anyway, here’s the analysis/commentary/review (? Still confused about this) for episode 164

Also half of this is not proofread because theres a chance if i do that ill get even more writers block even though that technically shouldn’t happen but it does and i just want this out so sorry if some sentences completely cut off or i just don’t talk about something because oops is it worth it at this point

Fake Jokers:

Starting with this because, hey, chronological order. In the beginning of this episode Arlo is approaching a group of students gathered around a piece of paper stuck onto the bulletin board saying that there are fake jokers running around. One of the bystanders is seen saying, “I wouldn’t mind being Joker for a day.” This isn’t very concerning by itself because we already know that people are already doing this, but I just want to point out that the reporter who tried to publish the story about the fake Jokers argued that they should because the students needed to be warned against the fake jokers. What the bystander in this episode tells us is that this reporter was wrong and Isen was in fact right (we been knew but).

Something bigger that I want to bring up is that now because lots of students have been exposed to the idea of faking being Joker, more and more are obviously going to be doing it, which I kind of already just said, but the consequences of such a thing are what intrigue me. If the school is suddenly filled with fake jokers and students are already aware that the majority of the jokers are fake, the Joker mantle is going to lose its significance. No student would take any joker seriously, even if it happened to be the real one.

The thing about that is that the real Joker, John, won’t be able to use his authority as well anymore. If nobody recognizes Joker as the king anymore (what with so many low-tiers also wearing the mask), they’re not going to listen to him. It basically means that John wouldn’t be king anymore. And, though I’m still confused on if John even really wants to be king, if he wanted to be, if he wanted that authority, he would have to find a better way to present himself. It means that John would either have to figure out a way to separate himself from the other jokers (I don’t really know) or reveal his identity to the whole school. This would be something huge, especially because, to John’s knowledge, Sera doesn’t even know who he is yet. But who knows, by the time the decision rolls around or things escalate enough, he might have figured out what she knows.

Another interesting idea is that John would take advantage of this situation to let himself be lost among the fake jokers and disappear, leaving the school without a king anymore and also in chaos, because honestly who. Knows. What the fuck. He wants. Not me.

I do think, however, that John will stay as king. Because every once in a while he’ll make some comment suggesting that, and in one of the recent episodes, he got pissed that someone was impersonating him and if wants to blend in again and not be recognized for his power, I doubt he would act like that.

Isen/Arlo confrontation:

So, in this episode we get Isen yelling at Arlo, which you love to see, and I’m here to talk about it yay.

Isen, at the beginning of the scene, is very nervous and scared of what Arlo would do when he comes, which is very understandable. That dude is scary but anyways, once Arlo does show up and starts yelling, which was exactly what Isen was afraid of, instead of letting himself retreat into his fear, Isen argues back at Arlo, which to be fair probably wasn’t an active decision, supported by how he acts after he yells at Arlo. Isen just blurts out what’s in his head and it’s pretty eye-opening. Isen yells that he never wanted to be given any of the responsibilities given to him by Arlo. He specifically talks about his role as head of the newspaper, but he says later in a much more general way that Arlo forces people into responsibilities that they either don’t want or aren’t ready for. This makes me think back to the beginning of the comic when Arlo made Isen dig up information on John. Isen acted pretty scared and squirrelly once he found out something he knew Arlo wouldn’t want to hear, and that behavior is very much repeated in this episode. Anyway, back to what’s happening currently. Isen defends himself against Arlo saying that Arlo’s accusations weren’t even fair because Isen tried to do the best he could to stop the news of the fake jokers from getting out. Also, it really doesn’t make sense to be blaming Isen for someone else leaking the information (without him knowing) and posting it on a public board (not even affiliated with the school newspaper). What happened is not a result of Isen’s bad leadership, or at least that what Isen tries to argue. Arlo has some other ideas on that subject though. Arlo thinks that if Isen were a better leader, the other students would just listen to him and not go behind his back to publish the information, which I have some thoughts on.

First of all, the fact that Arlo thinks this is the bare minimum for leadership speaks a lot about him. Arlo was the last king of Wellston, which means he was a leader, and he doesn’t think he was a bad one. I think Arlo thought he was a really great leader, because he was to be honest. He fixed the mess that Rei made and kept the students under control. Anyway, Arlo thinking that people follow good leaders with this blind loyalty and trust means that that was the case under his leadership. I just want to say that this probably means that Arlo thinks John is a shit leader, but we been knew. But who knows, John might have that kind of leadership and it would be for the same reason that I think Arlo did: power. Arlo is obviously one of the most powerful people at Wellston. Even more so than his title of king, and probably even his leadership skills, there is no doubt that the reason so many people followed him was this, especially considering the type of society UnOrdinary was. John, as Joker, has lots of authority and power among the Wellston students, which we talked about in the first section, and no one can doubt that it’s because of one thing: his power. People follow powerful people, it’s the way of the world, it’s how hierarchy works. But what I want to point out in relation to this episode is that Arlo seems to pushing this expectation of “leadership” onto Isen. Arlo is undoubtedly a fantastic leader, but as I keep. Repeating. His power plays a huge part in the respect given to him. Isen, though definitely more powerful than some, doesn’t exactly have that power. Not to the extent that Arlo or John has at least. And because of this, obviously, doing what Arlo and John are doing won’t work in the same way for Isen because it’s not enough. He doesn’t have that power backing him up, which is why Arlo’s expectations are unreasonable for him, which is why Isen keeps saying that he can’t do it and it understanding this is why Arlo keeps saying that Isen can. The line, “we’re not all as capable as you are!” From Isen really emphasizes this, though it probably was misunderstood by Arlo as, ‘we’re not as good leaders are you are,’ which might also be true, but that’s not what Isen’s trying to communicate.

Now that I’ve talked about that, there’s something else in this scene that catches attention. After Isen’s outburst at him, Arlo thinks about what he said and firstly, agrees with Isen that he really does set high expectations for people, but secondly, he says that, “it’s never without a reason…” Now, this stood out over Isen’s argument when I first read the episode because of how blunt the statement is. It surprised me in a kind of way. Arlo telling himself that he always has a reason for setting high expectations of people. I was especially intrigued by the pairing of that statement with Arlo’s mental image of John. If Arlo truly feels that he had a reason for believing in John, what was it? I know that he wanted John to accept his responsibilities as a high-tier, but that’s not what Arlo is saying in this episode. He’s saying there’s a reason that he gives people responsibility. Does Arlo have some specific reason for wanting John to have authority? Does it go past that drive inside of Arlo that tells him that people need to be put into their places just because. I wouldn’t really be thinking much about this at all (especially considering that it it very in character for Arlo to make John resume his place purely to secure them hierarchy) if it wasn’t for the fact that only John’s face showed up in between the lines, “I do set high expectations for others,” and, “But it’s never without a reason…” the placement automatically makes me assume that it was chosen for a reason. But who knows, that might just have been a way to remind the reader that Arlo is constantly being reminded of what happened between him and John and how it affected everything.

Anyway, these lines also have me thinking about Arlo’s recent turmoil with himself about John and the part Arlo played in the whole Joker situation. We know that Arlo has been blaming himself for this for a while now because without his interference, John would never have decided to dethrone him and all of the other royals, or at least not to the extent that he did. But in this episode, seeing Arlo talk about how everything he does has a reason and especially those later panels after Arlo leaves the room showing him when he was younger, it’s starting to make me think that Arlo is changing his way of thinking.

“But it’s never without a reason” He swings wildly from agreeing with his past decisions and disagreeing with them, but maybe because this is the most recent, he’s finally realized that he hasn’t been the one in the wrong this whole time. I’m not exactly sure and I don’t want to assume based completely off of one scene, but I really am hoping for some development in this way for Arlo because a. I love him and b. More hatred centered around John, which would mean more drama and I love that. Not much more to say about this

The Talk (wink wink):

I hate what i called this section because i thought of it at like 4am but i dont know what else to call it so- anyways the biggest thing that happened this episode has to be when Arlo and Seraphina met up to talk because if you read my posts, you know that I’ve been begging for this for a while and can I say, im hyped.

First, I want to start with something small, but something that is bothering me. Seraphina seems so pissed at Arlo doing this whole scene, and for what? Honestly, I hope im not biased or anything because I absolutely love Arlo, but he really hasn’t done much wrong in this whole joker situation. The only rational reason I can think of for Sera being pissed at him is because of the whole Arlo fighting john in that clearing like a long fucking time ago. Which, you know, I understand, but at the same time, recently, Arlo has obviously been trying to only help you and tell you the truth, you were the one who was being difficult. I honestly think that she’s just in this state of pissed off because of John, but i don’t know. I hope I’m not forgetting any shit because if im being honest, i don’t pay as much attention to her storyline as I should, especially recently, because i do not care that much for her character, at least not as much as the others. So yeah. R.I.P. that. I don’t know. This isn’t important i think im just very Arlo biased sorry bout that.

OKAY FIRST OF ALL THEIR CONVERSATION STARTING WITH ARLO REMINISCING WITH SERAPHINA ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE THE KING AND QUEEN OF WELLSTON IS ACTUALLY BASICALLY EXACTRLY HOW IVE WRITTEN WHAT I WANT THEIR FRIENDSHIP TO BECOME AFTER THIS AND I WISH THEY TALKED MORE ABOUT THAT ASPECT BECAYSE i would actually die for Arlo and sera to realize that the only thing that kept them apart was not realizing how much they had in fucking common and in reality they were the two people who understood each other the most and i know i sound very confusing because i just talked about how i love Arlo and how i dont love sera all that much but that is beside. The. Point.

Anyway, Arlo talks about how successful their leadership was (back to that common motif of leadership that Arlo just seems to carry around) and how now that that’s changed, the school’s whole vibe has been horribly threw off and shit is happening and he has no clue how to fix it ( I am so sorry for my god awful gen z vocabulary I realize these posts become just completely cheapened because of that but i dont know how else to communicate sorry bout that). Anyway, this struck me as a weird way to start this conversation because Arlo hadn’t reached out to sera before this to talk about john (after she found out about him at least) and it seems to me that he would want to talk to her about that, but the disarming way that Arlo starts talking took me off guard. I’m not really sure about why yet or what I want to say about that,but that confused me.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter because sera brings up john herself and directs that conversation where we knew it would go, but at the same time she starts talking about feelings too and this is just so weird because Arlo and sera both are characters who we’re not used to really seeing talk about their feelings and stuff. I think that this has changed though recently for both of them because of the stuff they’ve been through and im here for it, but anyways, i should really talk about the actual contents of their conversation hold up.

But the thing fucking is.

I have to wait for the next episode to fucking get the actual content of their conversation ikfuhefhbejkfhieuhfgieughfnierugniejnrgkjergnkejgnieknjgvkdlnv. *upset noises*

#unordinary #uno #webtoon #unordinary webtoon #official #episode 164 #happy 50th one of these me #sorry its hella late

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silverandarsenic-hcs · 4 years

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Ghost BC x Murder

im a simple girl. i have mental illness. i fantasize about being brutally murdered. is this problematic? 1000% yes. am i going to get canceled for this? 1000% yes. Have I been posting on borrowed time since that little caesars post? again, 1000% yes. Here’s this anyways.

TW: murder, blood, gore, manipulation (Papa II, Papa III), stalking (copia), domestic abuse (Papa III), substance and drug abuse (Papa II), Suicide (Papa II and Dew), Sex crimes - all consensual (Dew) these are about how they would murder you so im sure you can imagine the types of bad things it will entail.

Papa I: For him, it’s a fit of emotion that drives him to kill. One thing piles on top of the next, frustration turns to anger, anger turns to rage. He doesn’t mean to hurt people, but when he gets so worked up, theres nothing that can stop him. All he can see is red until he’s snapped back into reality and sees the red staining his hands and his favorite robe. With you, all you had to do was walk into his office after a few bads days in a row, more bad news in tow, and that’s all it took. He loses his temper on you before your brain can even register that you should run. Before you can even scream. He’s not particularly a weapon guy, he’s more likely to choke you to death or anything he can do with his hands. If he feels so inclined, he’ll grab the nearest solid object to crush you with. He feels remorse, in the end, but still covers it up and hushes the room when they speak about your disappearance. Decently classic case of homicide - its usually someone you know, crime of passion, unplanned.

Papa II: This one hurt me very deeply to write. His case was classic, when he was a kid. Everyone says that when an adult loses it, you could tell from the time they were a kid that they had cracks - too abnormal, or too perfect. Papa had odd behavior but Nihil never had him tested or even looked at for anything because his ego got in the way, and nothing could possibly be wrong with his son. And nothing was really wrong with him. Something just wasn’t right. He felt things strongly: love, hate, depression, elation, anxieties. Sometimes it was too strong for him to cope. Sometimes he would turn to things that would help him deal with the emotional rollercoaster he couldn’t get off of. Other people just got on with him. He started smoking weed in his twenties. That wasn’t enough. He started drinking heavily at 25. By thirty that wasn’t enough either. Stronger, more potent vices were what he needed. Cocaine. Heroin. Anything to make him feel okay - anything to make him feel. And you, you were the light of his life. The only good thing he’d ever known. You were the only person he had met who could keep up with him, but keep him safe at the same time. But eventually you got swept up in the parties and drugs and drinking too. Lost more control as the months and years passed. And one night he thought you were pussing out. Not being fun. That you were being boring and killing his mood. He pushed you until you did more lines, and kept pushing you and pushing you until your nose began to bleed. But he was so gone he didn’t realize. He pushed you and you accepted it because it was the first time you had ever truly been afraid of him. When you overdosed and died on the couch in the living room of your shared apartment, Papa had already passed out in the bedroom. It was three days before he sobered up enough to wake, and when he found you, he called the police and said there’d been a murder. But he knew what happened. He knew what he did. Cocaine has a funny way of making things stick like that. He hung up the phone, and before the police could arrive, took his own life the same way he took yours.

Papa III: In the beginning, he has a silly little crush. He steals glances your way. He brushes up against you and makes you blush. As you two talk more, he falls deeper. You two become a couple, an item. You tell each other you love them. Years could pass. You move in together. You don’t notice any cracks in him, but he sees them in the relationship. He saw you talking to the new guy at work today. What’s that, you had lunch with him? That’s interesting. He sees the way you look at the barista when he says your name, and hands you your coffee. You say he makes it the best. He sees the way your friends look at him. He goes through your phone once, when you’re sleeping, and doesn’t find anything. he kicks himself for months about invading your privacy and promises himself that he’s going to stop digging. But he can’t tear himself away. When youre in the other room, he’ll go through your purse. The next time he sees you smile at another man in passing, when you get home he confronts you. you say he’s being crazy. he says your crazy for cheating on him. he just loves you. cant you see? he loves you. when he finally chains you to the radiator in the bedroom so you won’t leave him, you’re shocked at how a man you once loved could be this way. When he finally kills you he’s begging you, with his hands around your throat, to understand that he’s not a bad person. He's not a bad person. He's not a bad person. He’s not a bad person.

Cardinal Copia: He stalks, but never gets close. Not like III. He’s aware of the mistakes of his predecessors. He’s smarter than that. More calculating. He would learn you schedule - morning routine, where you work, what you eat, when you get home, night routine, how long you sleep for. When you touch yourself. When you see your friends. At first it was from interest, but he begins to hate you. The way you walk, the way you talk, who you love, who you hate. And he wants you dead for it - but he wont be hasty, no, he’s still smarter than that. he has to remain calm and collected to pull this off. Hate you as much as he wants, he still knows you’re smart. Not as smart as him, but smart. Its thursday night, and you’re home alone getting ready to go out to the new bar in town with your friends. he climbs into the kitchen through a window he knows you leave unlocked for when you yourself forget your keys and need to break in. In the end, he slits your wrists with a knife he pulled from the wooden block on the counter. Good thing he followed you to work and school, he knows your handwriting wonderfully. He watches you bleed out on the floor while he writes your suicide note. You have never met him in your life. Good thing he always wears those gloves to keep everything clean of fingerprints, because the cops never suspect any foul play, and no one has a clue.

Swiss: He doesnt get close to his victims - he doesn’t have time. When you’ve gone through this many people, you start to forget their names, if you even knew them from the start. He takes jobs as an assassin when he needs the money - and it does pay well - but whenever he needs to blow off steam he’ll really go at it. Get creative. He’s a weapons guy, gun by choice but he’ll really use anything, and he knows each in his collection very very well. But in his eyes he isn’t doing anything wrong, he’s killing people that deserve to die, for good reasons (Edward Cullen who??). Racists, fascist, misogynists, homophobes. He was on the news once for throwing a brick at a nazi. You’re the anomaly on his list of victims though. You were an accident of sorts. He got sloppy with one of his jobs, got noticed, and the vic took a hostage - cue you walking into the back room at work at the wrong time - the only way he can get his shot in without risking his own life or alerting others is to shoot right through you. And now that he’s been noticed, he can’t give up the job and run. He memorizes the details of your face before he pulls the trigger, and kills you and the man with his arms around your torso in one shot. He feels the worst out of everyone. Attends your funeral, but stands very far back. Something about your face, the look in your eyes when you died. He thinks about you often, for a long time. When the exact dip of your nose and contours of your cheekbone begin to fade, he pulls a picture of you he cut from the newspaper from a shoebox under his bed. If he regrets any of the bad things he’s done in his life, it was hurting you.

Aether: He’s the one you don’t expect and he knows it. He’s the cult leader of the group - but that doesn’t make sense. He’s not even a leader in any capacity. He’s no Papa, not even a Cardinal. He doesn’t even lead the ghouls, really. But people trust him, and respect him, and that’s enough. The most pull he has in the church is being what you would compare to an advisor for the cardinal. helps him make decisions here and there. They get more drastic as things go on, and the church slowly burns itself down, but Copia is the only one people blame, including Copia, because Aether makes him believe every choice he made was his own idea. Eventually, when the cardinal has become useless, Aether will have him removed. By whatever means he has to take, but ideally not murder, it’s too early to have blood on anyone else's hands in his name, and far too early to have blood on his own hands. Aether promises to rebuild the name of the church, and fix everything the cardinal destroyed, and make things better.. Make people happy, and health again. And every single person drinks the kool-aid. Soon, rather than worshipping any Dark Lord or Old God, people are worshipping Aether. People believe in him with their hearts and souls. People believe he’s the savior. You are the anomaly. You were close with Aether before all of this started, before he was even the cardinal’s advisory. You just think the power has gone to his head, and blame the cardinal with the rest of him. But when you start digging, you realize it’s been his plan all along to have complete and total power To start his own cult. To be worshipped like a god in a place that was built for it. Your death is a stepping stone on the path for Aether to achieve ultimate power, but of all the stones cast, yours was the only one that meant anything. He didn't want to have to kill you. He didn't want you to defect, and put everything he'd worked so hard for at risk. He couldn’t have that. But the road to his ultimate power ends with his own death too - you can’t really be appreciated for everything good you've done for the world until you die, and he knows that. But until then, he will think of you often.

Dewdrop: Kills you for sexy reasons. Not because you wont sleep with him, or he wants to actually hurt you, but because you both got too swept up in the moment. There’s a movie called Sexual Predator and he’s pretty much the guy in that. One minute he’s got his belt wrapped around your throat, tugging on it hard while he’s hitting it from behind. He’s too caught up in the moment to realize you’ve gone limp on the bed. He doesn’t realize anything is wrong until he finishes. And it’s bad. Oh it’s bad. Unlike every other crime he’s committed, he calls the police, and he’s honest about what happened. He’s disgusted with himself. He’ll never have sex again. He’ll never wear a belt again. He’ll never touch another person’s throat again. He’s sentenced twelve months incarcerated along with probation and some hefty fines. Everyone knows what he did, how he did it. You were friends with all his friends - You weren’t together, but you were friends. And they all know he killed you. If any of the above are likely to have their own suicidal thoughts after the murder, Dew is the most likely to do it. He can’t stand the way everyone treats him after he did it. He can't stand living knowing what he did to you and what hes capable of. He can’t go on like this.

Cirrus & Cumulus: When they kill it’s for each other. In a LOT of other HCs i mention that II’s solution to things is to simply “kill them” if they’re bothering you, but the girls actually just do it. If someone touches Cirrus in a club, Cumulus will absolutely pull a gun out of her back pocket and blow their brains out right there. Good thing for the masks. They’ll spend the next few months or years on the road, saying under the radar until it’s safe to go home again. The ghoulettes have a lot in common with Swiss - they kill for what they believe to be a good reason. The difference is that Cirrus and Cumulus aren’t opposed to the more gorey ways of doing it. Torture, manipulation, blackmail, you name it they’ve probably done it. They know a lot of dirty things about a lot of big people, and at their whim they could have all their hearts desire. Trouble is, knowing everyone’s secrets is just a little bit more fun than that. They’ll kill to protect their friends and family, anyone who has ever unintentionally hurt an animal, and anyone that’s standing in their way. They’ll even collaborate with Swiss on a job if it’s gonna take some more elbow grease, and he needs people he can trust to get the job done without leaving behind a crumb trail of evidence.

- Kat

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euphoriacrossing · 4 years

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Okay so, I see people working on their AC journals, and I want to work on mine, but I still need some things for it (since I am using discbound I need the covers I want and the right kind of paper... that may seem like the whole journal and it kind of is, but I have dividers and some of the paper and the discs themselves, so.. yeah...) and I don't feel comfortable starting drawing layouts or anything until I get my journal set up the way I want. But i see people working on their journals and they are so cool and i fear for mine because I'm not artsy, I'm not organized, I'm not that creative. I have stickers a few, anyway (I have the official sticker book and a few stickers from etsy... I'll honestly probably get more but I have to wait until I get next month's money to buy anything because I didn't spend responsibly this month and ended up with $17 in my bank account... honestly almost worth it because I have just about everything I need for my actual switch now, since I can't have the AC switch, it's fairly decked out, my favorite is the pink and green joy-cons, I think I like them as much as i would the ones from the AC switch anyway, so yeah)... uh, yeah that's about it. Stickers and some of the journal pieces, lol. I do have ideas for the journal and I jot them down in a note app on here, but executing them the way I want to is a different story so yeah I have concerns about my journal. Let's hope I can make it half of what I want to.

I also do think I have settled on an island name. "Euphoria". I am testing it out, anyway, it's subject to change since it's still a long way off and I had a dozen other names I was considering. But Euphoria seems to fit the bill for what I'm going for. So maybe.

But then I don't know because I also legitimately wanted to name my island "Spoons" as I am a spoonie, and the spoon theory is how i tell people what my life is like, and plus, it's a hella cute name. And it would match my blog title and all that. So... I don't know, maybe i haven't decided because that name is still definitely in the running.

So maybe it's best I haven't started my journal yet, as the best thing to start with is a name. I think anyway, I see a lot of people using their Island Name in layouts and such, but then I can be more generic to start, perhaps I don't have to copy everyone else. But it just feels like I am doing it wrong. Like out of order.

So I saw a post on a facebook group I joined out if excitement (really the only good Animal Crossing fb group is mine. 😉 and I would say I was kidding, but as far as I know, I'm not... I've seen some super toxic mindsets and ugly acting people on a lot of other AC fb groups, so if you want one that is non-toxic, kind, and fun check out "Spoonimal Crossing", we're not dicks there) that people don't realize that all this stuff we're seeing in trailers could take months to achieve.

I think this person is right, if it's anything like New Leaf or really if it is a GOOD game, it will take us a bit to unlock things. I hope it's kind of gradual, and at month two and three and maybe four there are STILL things to unlock and more to do. Maybe four months is pushing it. Don't want people to lose interest because it's taking so long to unlock something. And with a game you're almost destined to have to start over (because of the lack of cloud saves and transfers thing) you can only make things SO hard to unlock. I get that. I hope they found a nice balance somewhere. But I not only think it will take persistent work to get these kinds of Islands, but I do think people fail to realize it as in the trailer it all looks like it happens so suddenly. Remember how things took some time to unlock in New Leaf though, and I don't really see people complain about it. They can't give us everything right at the start or it wouldn't be fun.

I also see people say "oh I'll get there in a day, because I time travel" blah, blah, blah... I hope beyond all hope that time travel is much harder if not impossible in this game. Somehow I would like it to be taken out. Because one, I feel like it's cheating the game. And /I/ don't want to be tempted to cheat. I mean we have a 24hr. place to sell stuff, it seems like night time gameplay is encouraged, so you shouldn't have to time travel to sell something or because you got bored at night. I feel the only reason to tine travel would be to cheat the game and if it's easy and people are getting rewarded for doing it, it's easy to want to taint the game that way. I don't want any temptation to do that. Secondly, I don't want other people succeeding because of it, like oh they built the best town thr fastest because they time traveled and got all this for it. It just seems unfair.

And I know you could argue that time travel has been "part of the game" since the beginning but I mean, I think taking it out only improves the game, and they have made tons of improvements to the game since the first game.

I just don't think time traveling brings anything to the game. But I have been wrong before.

I mean, maybe it can be argued if you miss an event you could go back and experience it... but from the point of view of someone who misses out on LIFE because of illness, I mean, I can't time travel back if I miss it. One of the special things about AC is the events and they are more special if you are actually there at the proper time, I feel. I don't have a lot of sympathy for people missing things because then I feel like it gets to be something more special for those missing out on real of things because of either illness or lack of social life or whatever. It gets to be special at all if you can only experience it at that time or whatever. I feel in the past time traveling has taken away a lot of the "specialness" of holiday events. So I feel we could stand to lose time traveling.

Anyway, whenever I close my eyes these days I imagine being on an island. A real one, though, I think of it as my Happy Place (also kind of a name contender, Happy Place is sort of cute) my soon to be Animal Crossing island. I think of my best name ideas when I am falling asleep. I keep a note app open I case I think of something good for my Island when I am partially asleep. I imagine where I want my house to be and all that. This helps me get to sleep these days and helps me when I an having to endure something sucky, like the dentist. Animal Crossing is already becoming my Happy Place again, my safe haven for my dreams and my imagination. I feel grateful to have something like this in my life honestly.

Some people just can't be into AC in the same way and I hope for them, SOMETHING is to them like AC is for me. I hope they have somewhere to go when they feel crappy, something to turn to when they don't feel like pushing on for anything else.

But i can barely comprehend how they don't like AC. Like i have ONE friend (two if you count the friend i actually made on here) i know who likes AC and plans to play with me. Now i don't have many friends, but i have at least three that like AREN'T into the game specifically. Two aren't inti video games at all so whatever, but one is super into gaming and just not an AC fan and I don't get it. I feel like the game has something for everyone and things a lot of other games don't and yet somehow this person... who owns a switch even so is kind of into Nintendo... they aren't getting AC.

I find it more insane because they at least used to be into me, and they weren't even like, "oh yeah, I'll get it just to play with you". (And they have gotten and played other games I suggested if I remember correctly...) I mean, I don't want anyone to do that if they don't like the game, and I really don't mean to sound into myself, BUT it was something I half expected from them considering history, so I feel they must REALLY not like AC somehow to refrain from getting it to play with me.

Maybe that's better though because it means I will maybe be more active in the community on here, maybe I will have a chance to make more friends instead of just staying within my little circle, and branching out is never a bad thing so yeah.

But as I was saying, I hope the people who don't have AC, have something. Lately my mental health has been tough to deal with, but having AC to look forward to makes all the difference. It is a reason to continue trudging through the days because at the end there are New Horizons waiting.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to play some Pocket Camp before I have to leave for the doctor. So bye for now. ❤

#Animal Crossing #New Horizons #AC New Horizons #ACNH #animal crossing new horizons #personal

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