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changbunnies · 11 months

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Connected (18+)

♡ Pairing: Royal Knight!Bang Chan x Princess!Reader

♡ Genre: angst, fluff, royal au, historical au, knight x princess au, arranged marriage (for reader), forbidden love, childhood friends to lovers, mutual pining (they are so oblivious)

♡ Word Count: 15.9k (oops lmao)

♡ Summary: Y/N, as princess of the kingdom, is destined to marry for politics and financial gain, but all she wants is to marry for love. Chan, her childhood friend turned royal knight, has to either come to terms with her inevitable marriage, or finally confess the feelings he's been harboring for years.

♡ Warnings: very brief minho x reader, extremely jealous chan, also lowkey possessive chan, (he's not in any toxic way at all but still), reader is implied to be plus size, old timey traditions and expectations of women to suit the setting, i think thats about it ??

♡ Smut Warnings (contains spoilers): petnames (princess (mostly as a title), darling, my love) loss of virginity (both reader and chan are virgins), nipple play, fingering (f receiving), unprotected piv, creampie, overall very soft sex with some shyness and teasing sprinkled in, breeding kink if you squint

♡ Notes: you can also read the story on my a03 here and if you're interested, you can also check out my fic rec and feedback blog @stray-dreams ! and thank you so much for all the love my works have gotten so far, i appreciate it sm !!

♡ Disclaimer: please read responsibly, and remember that this work is fiction and meant strictly for imaginative fun. the idols used in fics are more accurately faceclaims and personality outlines for imaginary characters, and should not be interpreted as factual representations of existing people.

A sigh passes your lips as you stare out at the sprawling nature before you from up on your balcony. The sight of trees swaying in the wind, flowers blooming towards the sun, and animals skittering about on the earth below always helped to ease your troubled mind. You always found yourself here when the worries of life and your duty proved too much for you. As the kingdom’s heir to the throne, you weren't often afforded the luxury of leaving your castle, or dirtying your soles by prancing in the nearby forest.

Instead, you often had to settle for the next best thing- simply observing it. Normally that was enough for you, but on days like today, where you were constantly bombarded with responsibility and expectations, you wished you could flee into the forest and never look back. It would be difficult to flee your life, but surely it would be better than this. You were tired of feeling so stifled all the time.

"All that sighing isn't going to help, Princess," a familiar voice speaks from the doorway of your bedroom. "I know that," you frown, turning to look at your childhood friend turned royal knight with crossed arms and a glare on your face. You know Chan doesn’t mean to add to your frustration, and normally you wouldn’t snap at him over a comment made in jest, but you're really in no mood for it right now. You’ll apologize later when you’re less quick to anger, but you are currently too stuck in your feelings to respond kindly.

It'd been a week since you were informed of your inevitable marriage, and you still hadn’t come to terms with it to any degree. Your father, the current King, informed you that the eligible men who desired your hand would be arriving later in the month, and how you were expected to be on your best "womanly" behavior when meeting your suitors for the first time. You knew it would happen someday but you still loathed the idea of it.. It made you feel like an object, like a pawn to be used rather than a person with her own thoughts and feelings.

"My apologies Princess, but you've been really down these past few days. I thought you might enjoy some company," Chan explains with his perfectly rehearsed politeness that you haven't quite gotten used to hearing yet. "Stop calling me Princess when it's just the two of us, it's unnecessary," you complain while Chan looks at you with a playful smile.

"Very well, Princess," he teases in response, laughing when you scowl at him for it. Chan has been your knight for a little over a year now, and while you did enjoy having him around more often, the tone shift from friend to knight was jarring. There were times where you missed your old dynamic, when he'd speak to you with no pleasantries or titles (though it did often incur the wrath of your attendants for being 'disrespectful' to the princess.)

You never found him disrespectful however; you actually quite liked that he always spoke to you candidly and without pretenses. Even as a kid you'd noticed the way commoners treated you differently from everyone else, and you liked that Chan didn't. Though he was just a child like yourself at the time, and most likely did not realize the impact it had on you, you enjoyed being able to feel like a normal person.

He was often on the castle grounds due to his parents, his mother a maidservant and his father a horseman. And while he was never supposed to have met you due to the difference in station, you two often found yourselves in each other's path. You learned to ride horses together under his father's tutelage, he would accompany his mother around the castle as she cleaned various rooms, and he’d always wave to you with a goofy smile while you were studying (even if it ended in a scolding from the adults around him.)

You had quickly become fond of him, your only friend in an otherwise lonely world. You can remember fondly the days where he would distract you from your lessons by making silly gestures behind your tutors' backs, and how he’d gift you trinkets from outside the castle’s walls, such as cheap dolls and freshly picked flowers.

They were “plain” by royal standards, but you still loved them dearly, as they were things you had never had in your life until he brought them to you. He would even bring delicious pastries and fresh bread made by his mother, which had become your favorite things to eat simply because it was so different from everything else you were allowed to have.

Chan steps onto the balcony, taking his place next to you. He leans against the banister, staring out at the scenery that held your attention moments ago. "I don't want you to get married yet either," he admits after a brief moment of silence. You look at him, taking in the sullen expression on his face. You are initially surprised he looks so sad, allowing you to catch a glimpse at his usually hidden vulnerability.

You know very well that he, like anyone, is capable of feeling a depth of complex emotions, but he rarely shows you that side of himself. You spend so much of your days stressed or tired or daydreaming about being anything other than what you are, so he chooses not to burden you with any feelings he has. You've told him many times that he could, even encouraged him to share with you, but he always said he'd rather focus on making you feel better because that would make him feel better too.

“You don’t..?” you ask, though you wonder what you are even expecting to hear in response. He’s your best friend and he cares about your feelings, so obviously he doesn’t want to see you go through something you hate, obviously it saddens him to see a friend hurting. But despite yourself, you still hope for his feelings to go beyond that.

You want to hear him say he cares about your inevitable marriage not as a concerned best friend, but as a man. A man who loves you, a man who wants you, a man who would fight for your hand in marriage against all odds. It's foolish, you know this, but you can’t stop yourself but hoping for it.

Your heart ignores the logic your brain provides, disregarding that he'll never be allowed to marry you even if he did have romantic feelings for you and was willing to fight against tradition for you. It doesn't matter that he has devoted his life to protecting you, that he's extremely well read or gifted in combat, or that he grew up within the same castle walls that you have. He will always be "beneath you", his merits never good enough, all because he was born to commoners.

You always hated that. Why do the circumstances of someone's birth have to matter so much? Why does fate have to be decided based on what family you are born into? And you can still remember vividly the day you realized you cared for him as more than just the best friend you grew up with. When he stood before you, handsome in his weathered training armor and practice sword in hand, smiling proudly as he devoted his life to your care, your heart fluttered.

Chan worked hard to be your knight, practiced with his sword to the point of exhaustion, spent countless hours reading about affairs between nations and studying combat techniques, all to be the one who protects you. He dedicated his life to you, to being by your side through everything, even if it meant putting his personal affairs on hold.

There were times where you still didn’t understand why he sacrificed so much of his freedom for you. The life you lived was so stuffy and restricting, and he could do anything. He could do whatever he wanted with life, live anywhere in the world, choose from a myriad of careers, yet he chose to be stuck in the castle with you for the rest of his youth.

The day you turned 14, you confessed to him that you were dreading the day you both became adults because you knew your lives would take you different places. Even if he followed in his father’s footsteps and became the castle's horseman, you'd likely rarely, if ever, see him. It was something you thought about a lot, as you were often reminded by your elders of your responsibilities to the kingdom, but that day it was hitting you particularly hard.

That day sticks firmly in Chan's head as well; he can still remember the way tears pricked the corners of your eyes, the reality of getting older and the responsibilities that were soon to follow already bearing heavily on you. That was the day he decided he’d work hard to always be near you, as he never wanted to see you cry over his separation from you. If there was no reason for him to stay, he would make one. If it meant freedom and choice was taken from him, he was willing to let those things go. If it was for you, it would be worth it.

When you asked him why he decided to become a knight despite the sacrifice and responsibility it entailed, why he was willing to give up so much to stay in the castle with you, he simply smiled at you. “It’s where I am meant to be,” he replied, dimples lighting up his face in an expression so sweet it made your stomach flip.

You fell in love with him that day. Or maybe you always loved him, and that was the day you fully realized it. That intangible feeling that always lingered whenever you looked at him, that you couldn’t hold and understand but knew was there. It was love, all that time. You knew it then, and you still know it now. Chan is the only person you will ever love.

He spends the rest of the afternoon comforting you, as he always does when you are feeling unhappy and indignant. Giving you kind words or gentle, comforting silence when you need it, transitioning into his goofy side who makes jokes and does his best to make you laugh as soon as you show that you are feeling better.

And it does help, but in a way it also makes it worse. Because unbeknownst to him, he’s just reaffirming your love for him. For every gesture that endears you to him, it also makes your heart sink even further. And worse of all, you can’t even be upset about it- because he doesn’t know your feelings, he doesn’t know how his kindness feels akin to a knife in your gut.

And it’s likely he’ll never know. Because when can you tell him? How can you tell him? It’s not meant to be, and it never will be. For as long as you are royalty, he’ll never be allowed to love you, and you’ll never be allowed to love him. The sooner you accept it the better off you’ll be, but you don’t know if you ever can.

How do you make yourself stop loving someone so perfect? How do you put aside your feelings, how do you pretend that they never existed in the first place? You’re lost, you’re stuck, and you know nothing will change it. You suppose the best you can do is enjoy the little time you have remaining. Live in the moment with him instead of worrying so much about the future, because once it’s here you won’t be able to get this time back.

That’s why you smile for him, earnestly. You laugh with him the way you always do, you reminisce about your childhoods, you talk about all your favorite things instead of wallowing in what you hate. You don’t allow yourself to frown or cry until he’s gone for the night, the setting of the sun beckoning him out of your room and to his own.

You cry as you wash off the day's grime in the bath, you cry as you towel off in front of the mirror, and you cry as you lie in your bed, staring up at the ceiling as you think about all the joy you will never have. Because you will lose Chan before you ever even had him. Never being allowed to hold his hand, to kiss him, to lie with him.. Because he is your knight, and a princess isn’t supposed to fall in love with one.

It’d been over a month since your suitors first started arriving at the castle to meet you, settling into their guest rooms and (frustratingly) occupying your days. You were as respectful as you were expected to be, but you really didn’t put in any effort to get to know them more deeply. You just weren’t interested in any romantics with them.

If the situation were different, and these were men you were meeting with the prospect of friendship or strengthening ties between allied kingdoms platonically, you would be much more susceptible to the pleasantries. As it stands now, you can’t put yourself out there for them the way you are expected to.

Most of them seem nice enough, and for the ones with gentler personalities you do feel bad for your standoff-ish attitude, but showing your disinterest firmly is the best way to not give anyone false hopes. You know you won’t fall in love with any of them, and wouldn’t it be worse to lead them on by having no backbone?

Sure, you could be a bit nicer, but why would you be? They are all here with the intention to marry you, they all have a goal in mind- to win you over by any means necessary. Even if they had the purest of intentions, it wouldn’t sway you to change your mind so easily. At the end of the day, no matter who is here for a chance at genuine love and who is here for political gain, you are being treated like an object, and it’s something you detest with your entire being.

Leaving aside your feelings for Chan (which undeniably also plays a part in your disdain for your situation), you still wouldn’t enjoy this process. Maybe it was your own fault for idolizing fairytales and spending your free time daydreaming about what your perfect life would look like, but what can you say? You’re a hopeless romantic, even to a fault, it seems. Is it truly so bad for you to want genuine love with someone? A love that happens organically, unforced by any outside factors pushing for it?

And now here you are, letting your maids prepare your attire and dress for tonight’s ball, where you will be expected to mingle with and accept the advances of your suitors, even if it is performative in nature. You try your best not to scowl in disapproval when your maids talk excitedly about your “romances” and who they think is most handsome out of your suitors, and who they hope you will choose.

You wish you could scream out, “I choose none! I don’t want to marry any of them!” You’d gladly let these girls take their pick of the men who came for you. It seems that the fan favorite, as it were, is Sir Minho, the handsome son to Duke Lee in the western lands. Apart from being attractive, he’s well-mannered, compassionate with animals, and skilled in battles of wit.

If you were being truthful, he was an easy pick. He was easily the most desirable of every suitor, not just from a personal standpoint, but also from a political standpoint. Keeping relations with the west positive would lower chances of revolt or separation into their own independent nation. Yes, if you were smart and not at all stubborn, you would most certainly pick Minho. But stubborn you undeniably were; opinions firm and unbending, resistant to compromise or sacrifice.

And honestly, shouldn’t that be expected? Why wouldn’t the princess, who is capable of having everything she ever wanted, not be selfish when it comes to love? You like to think yourself a reasonable person, one who makes sound decisions and goes through life with a firm sense of rationality. However, when it comes to Chan, all rational thought and decision making seems to leave you, replaced solely by emotion.

Your heart overtakes you, arguing fiercely with your rational and intelligent brain, as if making the logical, sensible choice would be foolish despite the reality being the opposite. You let out a sigh, that your maids thankfully mistake as one of exhaustion. While you arguably had the easiest job in the room, just sitting around and letting others doll you up, it was still tiring in its own right.

Layers upon layers of petticoats, chemises, and skirts, tight garters to hold up your stockings, squeezing into a corset and then adding even more layers on top of that.. If the end result wasn’t so gorgeous, you’d absolutely hate this process. And god forbid you needed to use the bathroom at any point- that endeavor in itself was hellish.

After the grueling task of fitting you into your finest royal blue ensemble, your hair and makeup came next. You begged for it to be on the simpler side, as you would be occupied for hours tonight and really didn't want to worry about keeping it pristine the entire time, and they thankfully obliged the request. There’s a few moments of downtime when they are finished, which thankfully gives you time to breathe and prepare yourself mentally for the night’s festivities.

There is a knock on the door, which the maids closest to the door don’t hesitate to open. It’s Chan, of course, as it’s his job to come collect you whenever it’s necessary for you to leave your room. That’s another reason this night you’re upset about tonight- you wish you could walk together to the ballroom as a couple, instead of as a knight and princess. “It is time to go, Princess. The guests have begun arriving in the ballroom.” he says, keeping his gaze professional under the watchful eyes of the maids in the room.

But God, is that hard for him. You're so unbelievably beautiful it makes his heart feel like it's twisting in his chest. He’s lucky that no one in the room seemed to notice the way it stole his breath away, or the way his eyes lingered on you for far longer than they should have before he directed you to follow him out of the door.

You thank your maids for their help before you depart, and they all say some variation of “have fun!” as you leave the room. “Fun” is doubtful in this scenario, but you’ll certainly try to not be miserable, at least. Try being the keyword- you make no such promises of how things will actually play out.

You put on the best smile you can manage when you enter the room, letting various guests greet you, briefly indulging them in small talk before Chan helps you move your way past them. You take a seat next to your parents, with Chan standing just a few feet away- a respectable distance as to not intrude on the royal family, but close enough to reach you quickly if something went wrong.

As is to be expected, sticking close to your parents and away from the dancing doesn’t spare you from any attention. Those who are permitted to speak with the royal family appear to you in a near constant stream, with monotonous questions about how you’ve been and how you feel about your inevitable marriage in tow. God, the night has just begun and you’re already tired. Is it too early to retreat back to the safety of your room?

You take a quick glance around the ballroom, taking note of all the guests you have an obligation to talk to and who you could feasibly get away with staying away from. Unfortunately, it seems like your evening will be full of talking to people you don't want to deal with. You said you'd try to have a good time, but that didn't mean you had to right this second, did it? You're definitely staying at the table for as long as possible, even if it causes your guests to think of you disfavorably (and if you're lucky, it will.)

It's probably about two hours into the gathering when your parents seem to grow tired of you doing nothing but sitting with them at the head table. You can tell even before it happens that your mother and father have something to say about your silent protest. "Why aren't you out there, dear?" your mother asks, taking a gentler approach despite the obvious frown of displeasure on her face. Truthfully, she understands your sadness and feels for your plight, but she can’t allow you to wallow in it. You are very clearly sulking, proper manners ignored as you sit with crossed arms and a pout. “Don’t like to dance,” you lie, but everyone near you knows that isn’t true.

You normally loved dancing. You would attend your dance lessons enthusiastically, and later you would sneak Chan into the ballroom to teach him everything you learned. Although he loved music and followed rhythms easily on his own, his initial steps with you were always awkward. His excuse was that he was nervous to be dancing with the princess, but you would remind him that since being the princess never made him hesitate with you before, it shouldn’t matter now.

In all honesty, a majority of his nerves came from being afraid of making a mistake in front of you. Chan could normally dance very well, often being complimented and told he was a natural at it, but doing it with you made him especially nervous. What if you felt how sweaty his palms were becoming just from having you closer than usual? What if you could hear how loudly his heart was pounding? What if the nerves made him do the steps wrong?

He really liked you, and he didn’t want to make a fool of himself in your presence. Chan is often goofy, yes, but it was always willfully. He liked making you laugh and smile, but he didn’t want that side of him to be out in that moment. He found himself wanting you to see a different side of him, he wanted to impress you with how easily he picked up what you taught him, he wanted you to compliment him with your sweet voice.

To his own relief, Chan eventually managed to conquer his nerves, and he was able to pick up the steps and lead the dance without making an embarrassment of himself. Soon enough, the two of you would regularly spend hours in the ballroom together, dancing until late into the evening. With no band to play music for you, the both of you would take turns humming melodies, though you always preferred when Chan was the one doing it as his voice was so melodic and beautiful to you.

With your memories of each shared, secret dance so clear in your mind, how can you dance with any of these men and not think of Chan? How do you look at any of them and not compare their differences? How can you be with them without thinking about how you’d rather be with Chan instead? Even if they were lovely, even if they were without flaw, they weren’t who you wanted to be with.

You glance at Chan, who has to remain stone faced in these moments. Your parents are aware that you became friends with him well before he was inaugurated into knighthood, but they don’t realize to what extent. They don’t know about the countless hours spent together, how you’d disregard rules to be near him, or how you’d sneak him into spaces he normally wouldn’t be allowed in. He can’t make them aware of how close the two of you truly are by reacting, and you know this well, but you still can't help but seek him out in every moment.

Noticing you looking at him, Chan shoots you a small look of sympathy before your parents can notice, doing his best to ease you despite the restrictions. He knows you don’t want to do this, and that you hate being scolded and reminded of how “important” it is to have a “good” husband. “Good” meaning having power, or wealth, or a prestigious lineage in this case. You don’t want to care about formalities, traditions, or responsibilities. You don’t want to prioritize superficial qualities or be in a loveless marriage purely for alliance.

Is it really so terrible for you to just be in love with someone for who they are instead of what they have? You don’t care about what they have to offer or what legacies their families hold. You want to be with the person whose smile lights up your world. You want to be with the person who sacrificed so much just to stay within your realm. You want Chan.

“Your suitors would love to dance with you,” your father says, “You should at least try to get along with them, don’t be stubborn. You won’t grow to love any of them if you don’t try.” Chan watches your expression change, the mix of anger and sadness bubbling within you becoming increasingly more apparent. He wishes he could rush to your side and help, but he can't. So instead he stands in place, fists clenched in a vain effort to ground himself as he remains frozen to his spot.

“Of course father,” you say as you stand, biting your tongue so as to not make a scene in the middle of an extravagant ball. Despite your tumultuous feelings, you're not foolish enough to disrespect the king with an audience. “I need a moment, if you’ll allow it,” you say and your father nods, finding it a reasonable enough compromise.

You bow politely before you go despite how badly you wish you could storm out and give a bitter display of aggression. Chan moves to follow you, (which he would do even if it wasn't his job,) but your mother calls for him to wait a moment. “I’m aware my daughter is unhappy about this, but try to talk some sense into her for me, will you? I doubt she’ll listen to us, upset as she is. She may find it easier to listen to someone unattached to the situation.”

‘Unattached.’ If only she knew Chan was terribly, terribly attached to the situation- attached to you. “Of course, Your Majesty,” he answers politely, bowing before he steps away to follow your path out of the ballroom. It doesn’t take him long to find you despite his delay leaving; he knows you well enough to know where you prefer to be when upset.

You are outside, sitting on the steps leading to the garden, arms hugging your legs with your head against your knees. You feel trapped, and looking out at nature always helps (even if in this case said nature was still confined within the castle’s walls.) You lift your head when you hear Chan’s footsteps behind you, wiping stray tears from your eyes as he approaches. “Y/N..” he speaks softly, heart tugging at him painfully; he always hated seeing you cry.

He sits next to you, deciding comforting you was more important than worrying about who would see the two of you being close. If he gets in trouble, so be it; you need your friend right now, not your knight. He wraps an arm around your shoulders, pulling you carefully to his side. “I hate this,” you mumble with a trembling voice, burying your face in his shoulder.

Chan swallows, trying to find the words to say. He hates it too- unbearably so. Every time he pictures you being in love with someone else it makes him physically ill. He doesn’t want to think about how devastated he’ll be hearing you say ‘I love you’ to another man, how excruciating it will be for him to watch from the sidelines while you build a future with someone he can never be.

He knows his heart will crumble when he sees you make your eternal vows to someone else, so beautiful and demure and forever out of his reach. He made his promise to be your knight for the remainder of his days knowing this is what it would entail, but fuck, it still hurts. Chan has always considered himself a strong and resilient person, and he felt like he could handle this inevitability, but maybe he was naive to think so.

Nothing could have prepared him for how painful the reality actually was. His mistake wasn’t falling in love with someone unattainable- his mistake was thinking he could survive the heartbreak. In all his life, he’ll never regret falling in love with you or becoming the knight you need, but he’s still human. A selfish human, who wants more than he can be granted, who wants to marry his beloved princess more than any treasure or title in the world.

Chan does his best to keep his breathing steady, not wanting to alert you that he was affected by this way more than a friend or knight should be. He thinks about what your father said to you shortly before you left the ballroom. ‘You won’t grow to love any of them if you don’t try.’

As much as he hated to admit it, your father had a point. And he could see why your mother wanted him to make you understand, but did he really have it in him to follow her request? Could he encourage you to try to fall in love with someone else knowing how it’d tear him apart? It’s the last thing he ever wants to do, but devoting his life to you meant he had to put aside selfish desires. He couldn’t let his love for you cloud his judgment, he couldn’t sabotage your chance at happiness to make himself feel better. How can he be a proper knight if he puts his selfish hopes above what is best for you in the long run?

“Listen.. I know you might not want to hear this but.. Your parents have a point. You should get to know them better,” Chan speaks cautiously, trying to prepare for whatever reaction you might have. It kills him to say it, not just because he doesn’t want to see you with someone else, but also because he knows you won’t want to hear this from him. He watches you freeze, staring at him in something akin to saddened disbelief.

You feel as if your cracked heart has now completely shattered. If there was any doubt before, now you know. Chan doesn’t love you the way you love him. He wouldn’t be okay with this if he loved you, he wouldn’t want to see you marry someone if he wanted you the way you want him. Your feelings have always been one sided. You swallow, trying not to cry any more than you already have or show how hurt that made you feel.

“So you agree with them then..” your voice is quiet and defeated. What do you even say..? Should you admit that one of the reasons this is so hard for you is because you’re in love with him? Would that even change anything? You always knew being in love with him was a fool’s endeavor, and now that truth was solidified.

“It’s not that. You know I don't want you to, it’s just.. I know you’re miserable right now. And the reality is that you’ll have to marry one of them. If you get to know them and grow to love one of them, it’d be better for you. The way things are now, you’ll never be happy, and that's all I want for you.. Just to be happy,” he says, trying his best to show you how earnest he is.

He’s so fucking in love with you, of course he doesn’t want to see you marry someone else, it’s the last thing he ever wants. He doesn’t want to watch you fall in love with one of them, he doesn’t want to sit on the sidelines while you give your love to someone else, but he can’t keep denying the reality before him. Despite how selfish he is, he can’t put himself and what he wants above you.

And putting those selfish desires aside, he just wants you to have a good, happy life, even if that happiness comes from someone else. No matter how badly he wishes he could be the one you spend your forever with, it’s not the life that is meant for him. He has to come to terms with that, now more than ever. He has to, because it'll break him apart if he doesn't.

You look at him now, and as much as it hurts, you can see the sincerity. Even though it’s not what you wanted to hear, you know how much he cares about you. Even now, he’s looking out for you and trying his best. Maybe he doesn't love you the way you love him, but it is a form of love nonetheless. His actions have never shown you anything different, and even if it’s not the sort of romantic love you want it to be, you should be happy with what you already have with him.

You separate yourself from his gentle hold, standing quickly as you do your best to wipe your tears without ruining your makeup any further. “You’re right. I’ll try,” you say, forcing yourself to find the resolve you desperately need to get this night over with. He smiles at you, albeit strained as he suffers with his own tumultuous emotions, and rises to his feet as well.

Chan gives you one last gesture of comfort, a gentle squeeze to your hand, before he leads you back to the ballroom where everyone waits for you to return. “Are you ready?” He asks when you are both stopped in front of the doors. You sigh, taking just a small moment before you nod and allow yourself to enter the bustling room. You’re not ready, but it will never get any easier, so you suppose you’ll just have to accept that and get on with it regardless.

You leave Chan standing with your parents, where he can still have you in his line of sight while not intruding upon anything you need to do. You suppose if you’re really going to commit to this, you should go with the obvious choice- Lee Minho. It doesn’t take you long to spot him either; all you had to do was follow the gaze of infatuated maids to see him standing in a bubble with other high society guests your father invited to the event.

“Sir Minho, are you occupied?” you ask as you step forward to him, the crowd that had gathered around him easily dissipating to allow the princess closer to her suitor. “Of course not, Princess. Would you like to dance?” he smiles politely as he holds out his arm for you, and you accept it, letting him lead you toward the center of the ballroom.

Another thing you suppose you should do if you’re really going to commit to this is apologize. You doubt anything will genuinely come of it on your part, but it’d be best to not have a marriage start off with bitterness in your heart if it does miraculously develop into something more. Honestly you’d rather scream and kick than offer an apology you don’t entirely mean but.. What other option is there at this point? "Listen, I'm sorry for how cold I've been towards you.. It's not due to any fault of your own, it's just.."

You pause briefly, trying to think of how best to continue that line of dialogue, but Minho speaks up before you can. “It’s just that you are being forced into a marriage you don’t want?" Your eyes widen, mouth opening and closing as you desperately try to find a way to dismiss his accurate assessment. Were you that transparent? 'Of course you were, idiot,' you curse yourself. Maybe you should've practiced subtlety.

"I get it. You aren’t the only one unhappy about this,” he continues, further surprising you. He chuckles at your shocked expression, amusement in his voice. “What, is that hard to believe?” "I.. I guess I just assumed everyone is here because they want to be. It didn’t occur to me that you would be in a similar situation to myself,” you answer truthfully. Maybe you would have realized sooner if you hadn't been so stuck in your ways, so quick to ignore and dismiss every suitor that came close to you.

“I don’t blame you for thinking that. I’m sure most of the men are here because they want to be. I consider myself an outlier,” Minho speaks nonchalantly, but now that you are really looking at him, you can tell he is just as unhappy to be forced into this as you are. You also get the impression that he’s good at keeping a cool exterior, likely due to years of experience at suppressing his actual desires, the same as you.

“Is there someone else? Someone you love, back at home?” you ask, and Minho smiles sadly as he nods. “There is. They mean the world to me. I asked them to wait for me, I told them I wouldn’t leave them but.. I don’t know what will happen, if I'm being honest.” He tries to mask how upset he is to admit that, but you can see it. Maybe you’d be as oblivious to it as everyone else seemed to be if you weren’t dealing with similar emotions. You feel a strange sort of kinship with him now, realizing how parallel your situations seem to be. “I’ll make sure you can be reunited. I may not have much power as it stands now, but I can do that at least.”

Minho smiles at your reply, but shakes his head, as if your act of kindness would be futile. “I appreciate the sentiment, but it would only be temporary. I’m sure even if I don’t marry you, my father will just send me off to another castle to find a spouse. It’s all he cares about.” You frown, about to speak reassurances or some other comforting statement, but he stops you before you can. “What about you, Princess? Is there someone you love?” Minho asks, easily shifting the focus off of himself.

You hesitate a moment, debating on whether it would be wise for you to talk about. But, Minho already shared with you even if it could be a risk for him to admit, so.. You decide to be honest. “There is. He.. is the best person I've ever known.”

“I thought so. Not to sound overconfident, but most women fall at their feet for a chance to speak with me,” Minho smirks and you laugh, the first genuine laugh you’ve had all evening. “Well, you are handsome. I may love someone else, but I’m not blind.” Your reply makes Minho laugh as well, the conversation turning into something you can actually enjoy.

“It’s good to know the Princess isn’t rejecting me for my looks. I can sleep assured about my handsome features tonight,” he jokes, and if you weren’t in public you’d most certainly slap him on the arm. You didn't expect his personality to be what it is, but you suppose that's one of the charms that draws people to him.

“The person you love- do they know how you feel?” He asks after a beat, and you frown, trying not to let too much emotion out as you speak. “I’ve never told him, nor my parents.. I’ve wanted to, but.. I’m scared he won’t return my feelings, and.. He was born a commoner, and people won’t approve of that.” Unconsciously, your gaze shifts away from Minho and turns towards Chan.

Minho notices, of course, and follows your gaze, seeing the way Chan is overtly staring at the pair of you dancing. Oh, he is in love with you, if the way he’s staring daggers into Minho is any indication. He almost wants to laugh at how oblivious you seem to be about it, but he also sympathizes. He was there once- afraid to confess, afraid of what the reaction would be. And even now he’s still afraid of how his father will react if he ever confesses to his hidden relationship, so he’d be a hypocrite to tell you to not worry about it.

But at the very least, he can be on your side. He can be a friend, an encouraging presence, a person who understands what you are going through. “I think you should tell him how you feel. Even if things don’t turn out how you hope, at least you tried. I think that’s better than having never tried at all, and living with regrets.”

Honestly, he hopes you do confess your feeling, because he feels like he might burst into flames any second if your knight keeps staring at him with fire in his eyes. He’s so obvious, Minho isn’t sure how everyone else seems oblivious to it. But maybe he only recognizes that look in his eyes because he was there himself not too long ago, when others made advances on the person he loves most.

There’s a brief moment of silence as you contemplate Minho’s words. What is better? Accepting your fate as it is now and never telling a soul how you feel about Chan, or confessing your feelings and experiencing what it’s like to openly love Chan, only to have it ripped away from you when your family doesn’t approve? You really don’t know..

“Hey, if it doesn’t work out, maybe we do get married and act as each other’s cover,” he says jokingly, hoping it can make you feel comforted to some degree once he notices you being trapped in thought about what to do next. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” you say with a small laugh, “Though if there is anyone I’d choose to be in a fake marriage with, it’d have to be you.”

Honestly, despite the unorthodox way it came to pass, it felt good to talk about your feelings for Chan. You didn’t have anyone to talk to about them, always keeping them completely to yourself. And you felt like you had a real friendship with Minho blossoming, one that could be maintained for years to come. “I enjoy your company. Platonically, of course,” you say with a smile.

“As do I, Princess,” he smiles back, “Want to cheer to a good friendship?” “Let’s!” You say enthusiastically, letting your dance come to a close and allowing him to lead you to toast refreshments.

If there was ever a time in Chan’s life he wishes he could disregard everything he’d ever been taught about rules and decency, it was now. He’s never felt so bitter in his entire life, the first time he’s ever felt spiteful at the unfairness of his situation.

“Thank you for talking to her, she looks to be enjoying herself much more now,” the queen says with delight as she leans towards Chan, ensuring that he hears her thanks and effectively rubbing salt into his open wound. “..Yes, she does,” Chan says, having to put effort into sounding anything other than gutted. The jealousy sizzling in his veins, envious desire stuck like bile in his throat.

He knows you well enough to know what a genuine smile looks like on you. He recognizes your body language, can see all the minute and subtle changes. It makes him physically ill, watching you be so happy with a man he knows you are likely to marry. Chan knew he was selfish, but he never realized how jealous he was capable of being.

It was a luxury he didn’t realize he had- never having to see you in the arms of someone else. Sure, it was bound to happen, and he assumed he would be devastated when it inevitably occurred, but this? This all encompassing jealousy, this unadulterated greed- he doesn’t know how to process it, he doesn’t know how to calm himself down or mask it.

A realization zaps him suddenly, shocking his system as the feeling settles over him. He can’t let you go, he can’t put his feelings aside the way he thought he could. He’s not as strong as he thought he was, not as mature or as reasonable as he always thought himself to be. He can’t watch you be with someone else and be okay. If this is how he reacts to a situation so small, how will he feel when you actually marry?

He’s fucked. Truly, unequivocally fucked.

His body and mind scream at him to act, to do something, do anything, but what is there for him to try? What can he do that isn’t hopeless? No, even if it is hopeless, even if it doesn't change a single thing, he has to regardless. That’s what every nerve in his body screams at him- if there was ever a time for him to conjure his bravery and win you over, it was now.

You breathe a sigh of relief when the night's festivities finally draw to close, eager to finally relax after hours of dancing and talking. Minho made the night more bearable at least; it was much easier to get through the evening when you had a friend to cling to and keep a good deal of your other suitors at bay. As soon as you finished bidding your goodbyes to the guests that were in attendance, you rushed over to Chan so he could finally lead you back to the privacy of your room.

“Princess.. I’m sure you’re tired, but can you wait for me here for a bit..?” Chan asks, hoping the nerves he feels aren't being conveyed in his voice or facial expression. You tilt your head, slightly confused but agreeing anyways. You really have no reason not to after all, especially if it’s a request from Chan of all people. He smiles and thanks you, running off quickly while promising he wouldn’t take too long.

You stand in the center of the ballroom alone, wondering what on earth Chan is having you wait here for. He could also get in trouble for leaving you alone here without anyone to watch over you, but whatever he has planned must be worth the risk he’s taking.. Is he trying to make sure no one is going to come back so that the two of you can dance together?

The thought makes you excited if you're being honest- you always love dancing with Chan, but you hadn't had many opportunities to after he began training to be a knight. And you’d happily do so if he wanted to, even if your feet were screaming at you from exhaustion. You also have to admit, you enjoy the idea that after watching you dance all day, Chan wanted to have one with you too, even if it had to be once the event was over and within privacy.

You wait as patiently as you possibly can, watching the doors to the ballroom, eagerly waiting for them to open. And when they do, and your eyes fall on Chan entering dressed in what is possibly the most beautiful suit you've ever seen, your heart feels like it's going to burst. "You stayed," he smiles as he steps closer, his dimples on full display. His unruly hair that normally falls over his face has been tamed enough to show his features more clearly, the full extent of his handsome face on display just for you.

“C-Chan, you- I, wow, you look-” You try to speak but you stumble over your words, his beauty leaving you even more speechless when viewed up close. It really is the most beautiful suit you've ever laid eyes on. Or maybe you only think so because he is the one wearing it? Either way, he looks so incredibly handsome that you feel almost dazed, your brain quickly malfunctioning as you stare at him.

Truthfully, he had to save his salary for months to afford a suit this nice. You lived in a world of extravagant gowns and beautiful jewelry, and he wanted to look like he belonged with you, even if it was just this one time. You don't care about aesthetics, he knows that, but it's still something he wanted to do. Looking at him the way you are now, he knows it was all worth it.

He always wanted to belong in your world, to look like someone that a princess could be with. Soon enough, you’ll have to decide which of your suitors to marry, and on that day he will lose you. If this is the last opportunity he has to share a dance with you, then he wants to make the most of it. Even if it's just for this short moment, he'd like you to see him as something more than a friend or knight.

He wants to live in a bubble where it’s just you and him, where he can show you the side of himself he always wanted you to see. A bubble where only the two of you exist, where everything but each other is background noise. His every moment, all he sees is you, and he wants to be the only one you see in turn. No one in your eyes but him, his every word hanging in your ears and gesture embedding in your heart. He will allow himself this final selfish act before he lets you go, before he has to bury his feelings and lock them away for good. He will dance with you not as your best friend, your knight, or your student who is still learning the steps, but as a man in love with his princess.

“May I have this dance, Princess?” Chan asks, smiling up at you as he bows, holding out his hand to you. You feel like your brain is short circuiting, all dance etiquette and rules leaving your mind as you stare at him. Your face has turned bright pink and your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest, but you manage to nod and let your hand reach for his. How will you even survive this dance when he’s smiling at you like that while looking so devastatingly handsome?

Despite the glaring fact that all your knowledge is lost on you as he holds you closer, he leads you through your daze well. Humming melodies with his beautiful voice while he guides you through the steps- you feel like you’re in a dream. He’s looking at you so intently, smiling so charmingly between melodies, you feel like you’re melting. His eyes are sparkling with an emotion you’ve never seen on him before.

No, that’s not true. You have seen it. Fleetingly, in quick moments where it would flash on his features, a moment so small you’d miss it if you blinked. Moments like now, where it was just the two of you, free to be yourselves, to talk and laugh and dance with no restriction. Every time you noticed that look in his eyes, his expression would change in an instant, or he’d turn his face away and not let your eyes linger on it.

Affection? Care? Love? Is that the feeling that shows on his face when he looks at you? Is love the emotion that always makes him smile bashfully before he looks away from you? The one you sometimes catch, but is gone before you can really commit it to your memory? This is the first time you’ve been granted the pleasure of seeing it on his face for more than a few seconds, and it makes goosebumps erupt on your skin.

All you can do is stare as he leads you through the dance, the entirety of his being capturing your undivided attention. A shyness bubbles underneath the surface, neither of you used to staring at one another so overtly, but you couldn’t possibly turn your gazes away. You decide that if you did somehow fall asleep at some point and this is a dream, that you’ll enjoy it for all its worth.

You don’t know how he feels about you, really. At best you can guess, you can hope, but there’s no way for you to truly know. But what you do know is how you feel about him, and that’s enough, you think. It’s enough to make this moment the most special you’ve ever shared. It’s enough to lift up the shattered fragments of your heart and reconstruct them into something beautiful and new. Does he love you as much as you love him? Regardless of the answer, you’ll never forget how you feel right now. A love beyond words, a happiness that transcends everything else.

Chan, who was feeling confident until now, begins to feel a stutter in his heart. He wanted to impress you, to show you the most ideal side of himself, to make you see him, really see him, in the way he desired to be seen. But now that you are looking at him with such ardor in your eyes, with his hands on your waist and your arms around his neck, he feels like his heart could burst. Was he once again naive to think he could put his feelings to rest after this? Foolish to believe that this moment would be enough for him to part from you satisfied with what little he had?

Yes, he definitely was. Because the way you look at him now, he knows he can never go back to how things were before. He will want to see it again and again, paired with your sweet smile and cute mannerisms. Again, he realizes he's selfish. He doesn’t want you to look at anyone else this way, to give anyone else your affection, to smile at them the way you do at him. For better or worse, you’ll be there, in every thing he does and in every thought he has.

Most selfish of all, he wants to kiss you so badly, to claim you as his. He wants to pull you even closer, to feel your warmth against him, to tell you that you are all he ever has, and ever will, see. It’s always been you that lights up his world, always been you that gives fire to his ambitions, always you that makes his heart race and palms clam up. Since he was a child, for as long as he can remember until now, you were his everything. You became his world, everything he does revolving around you, forever drawn to you.

Before he can stop himself, his lips are on yours, connecting with you in the way he’s always dreamed of. There’s no time for him to rationalize his choice or scold himself for giving in to his selfishness. Chan has always been weak when it comes to you, after all. Unconsciously, his hands hold you a bit tighter, though he himself is unsure whether that’s because he’s afraid to let you go or because it just feels right to have you in his grasp while he kisses you.

You blink in surprise, time feeling like it has slowed to a complete stop. You feel like the air has been knocked out of you, your brain desperately trying to catch up with reality and make sense of its own racing thoughts. When Chan pulls back, you can see a panic forming in his eyes, apologies lingering on his lips. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have, I-”

You pull him back to you before he can continue to ramble, continuing the kiss he started. He can’t regret this, can’t second guess letting the moment take him over; you won’t let him. You want to be lost with him, enveloped in his embrace and consumed by his touch, damn the consequences. You don’t care who catches you, you don’t care about what punishment either of you could receive; this is all you’ve ever wanted for so, so long.

And maybe you should care, maybe you should stop him, stop yourself, but you refuse. If pushing him away is right, then you’d rather be wrong. His world may revolve around you, but yours revolves around him just as much. You can’t live without him, can’t bear to be apart from him. You want to stay with him, even if it causes everything else around you to crumble.

You’re both breathless by the time you separate, his eyes searching over your face desperately for any sign of hesitation, because once he really has you, he’s never letting you go. “Princess, Y/N, I-” He pauses, words lodged in his throat, but his eyes convey everything. You see it, the clearest that you ever have.

“Do you love me?” You ask, watching intently as his face heats up all the way to his ears. “Please tell me. I love you, and I need to hear you say you love me too,” you all but plead, watching him swallow as he tries to conjure the words he wants to say. He kissed you, so he can’t really deny it, but admitting it could make life even more difficult for you. Chan knows you well enough to know you’ll fight against your parents wishes, that you’d abandon your life here if it called for it, but can he let you do that?

This is the last chance he has to listen to reason and walk away, his last chance to bury his emotions down deep, his last chance to use even just a modicum of self control.. But no, that's not what he wants to do. Selfish, selfish, selfish. That’s all he’s ever been with you, and maybe all he ever will be. Because as much as he logically knows he should let you go, he just can’t. Because the thought of anyone other than him kissing you fills him with dread. Because even if it makes your reality harder, it’s still all he wants.

All along, his answer has been there. He can’t turn away from you, and you won’t let him. Both of you are stubborn in your wants, both of you pulling to each other like magnets, unable to be drawn apart. That’s what makes you perfect for him, he supposes. You're both a pair of reckless fools, willing to throw everything away for the other person. How can his answer be any different, especially when you’re looking up at him like this? Desperate to hear his answer, desperate to be loved by him and him alone.

“I love you. I always have, from the very beginning,” Chan confesses, “I know it’s wrong, I know I’m not supposed to love you, and I’ve tried to hold it back but.. I can’t stand watching from the sidelines anymore, I can't stand the thought of you being with someone else. I love you, and I want to be the one who spends his life with you.”

‘I’m not supposed to love you.’ You hate that he had that thought, but you understand why. No matter how close you became, even when he never treated you any differently from anyone else, he wasn’t oblivious to your difference in station. Neither of you ever let your circumstances affect your friendship, but that didn’t mean the difference between you wasn’t still there.

He recognized long ago that someone of his birth wasn’t meant to be with a princess, and he tried his best not to let his feelings for you show. You understood now too, why he became your knight despite all that it meant. Because he loved you, and that was the only way he could guarantee he would always be beside you. If he couldn't be your husband, that was the next best thing.

"If there is anyone in this world who deserves to marry me, it's you. It's always been you, I've never wanted anyone else," you say with full sincerity. There’s no one else you would ever pick, no one else you’d ever give your life to. No matter how much time passes, how your life changes and how far apart you may end up, the love you have for your best friend, your knight, will always remain.

He kisses you again, with all his love and affection poured into it. Years worth of repressed feelings bubbling to the surface like a wellspring. His self restraint dissolves, kissing you over and over again as if his life depends on the repetition of the action. He holds you tightly, squeezing you closely to him, in a gesture that is as full of desire as it is love.

You’re both breathless when he finally allows you to separate, lips swollen and red from the continued use. You lost track of time, having no idea how much or how little the minutes have passed. All you know is Chan’s all encompassing presence, and finally knowing the feeling of his lips against yours. You don’t want the night to end here, you realize. You don’t want to return to your room and carry on tomorrow as if this never happened. You don’t want to pretend that you’re not impossibly in love with him, you don’t want to pretend you don’t know how his body feels pressed against yours, or how it feels to have his lips on you.

“Take me to your room, Channie,” you plead, and he swallows, your request making his heart race impossibly fast. The majority of knights live in barracks, but as a royal knight in charge of the princess’ protection, his room lies close to yours, separated only by a few halls. But despite the relatively close proximity, you’ve never actually been to Chan’s room before due to the risk. Even with your friendship being apparent, going directly to his quarters and staying for a prolonged time ran the risk of spreading untoward rumors.

For royalty, their reputation is of the utmost importance, and while you didn’t care what people said behind your back, it was still something you had to be careful of for the sake of Chan himself. Even if you could easily recover from rumors, Chan wouldn’t be afforded that same luxury- it would undoubtedly follow him everywhere. And this led to him often being in your room, using the pretense of his knighthood to enter your space and have private conversations and talk like friends, the way you did before he became your knight. But that was always during the daytime, and with other knights still standing out in the hall. If those same knights saw him enter your room with you during the night, and not come back out until morning, it would certainly raise suspicions. Really, no matter what the two of you do tonight, there is risk, the probability of consequences you can’t come back from higher than it’s ever been.

“Are you sure..?” He asks, clearly worried about what could happen as a result. He wants to be with you, of course he does, but if it’s found out you stayed with him in his room for an entire night, the consequences wouldn’t be pretty. He needs to know you understand that, needs to know you want to be with him regardless of what could happen afterwards. You nod, resolve clear as you hold his hand tighter.

You were aware of the risks, but your love for him outweighed the concern. If anyone wanted to question you about being away from your room during the night, you had the confidence you needed now to fight for what you want. Now that you know he returns your feelings, you won’t let anyone get in the way of keeping you together, you’ll fight for it with all you have. And besides that, you're a princess. You were raised with the belief that the world was in the palm of your hands, so shouldn't you be allowed to have the things you want?

“I’ve thought about this a million times, Chan, I’m sure,” you tell him. Nothing will deter you from being with him- not anymore. “A million times, huh?” He teases with a smile as he pulls you along with him to exit the ballroom, his playful side coming back out as he leads you out to the hall and in the direction of his room. “Shut up,” you smile shyly as you slap his arm, a blush creeping across your face.

You have to suppress the giggle that threatens to leave you as you wind the halls together, a nostalgic sort of feeling welling in you despite this being the first time you are sneaking to his room like this. You snuck him into so many spaces, always sharing fond moments with him in secrecy, and really this is just an extension of that. The roles may be reversed in this instance, but the way you hold each other's hand and smile at each other is the same. The way you speak in hushed voices, the way you contain your gleeful giggles and the way you look at each other with pure joy, it's all the same.

When you reach his room, he ushers you in the door first, following behind swiftly and locking the door behind himself. “Just a moment,” he speaks softly as he moves carefully past you, lighting the candles he has on his nightstand. You use the dim light to survey your surroundings (as much as is possible, anyways,) taking note of all the things that make his space different from yours.

Chan watches you with subtle amusement; his room really isn’t anything special, but you’re looking around it as if it’s the most interesting thing you could ever see. (And to be fair, it is a stark contrast from the luxurious space you’re used to living in.) His space, while decently sized, still pales in comparison to the size of your room. His furniture is much less exuberant in style, and bed significantly smaller than your own. But you like it better that way, you think- it feels homey.

There’s a moment of silence that follows, not necessarily awkward, but rather hesitant as you turn your attention back to Chan. He’s sitting on his bed, looking incredibly handsome even in the dim candle light. Or did that add to it? You aren’t really sure. All you really know is that the way the subtle illumination and shadows frame his face makes your stomach twist. He really is way too handsome for his own good.

Cautiously, you sit next to him, taking his appearance in more closely (despite the way it makes your heart feel like it’s going to implode.) He looks at you as well, taking you in just as attentively. Now that he can freely gaze at you without restriction, he wants to commit you to his memory. He wants to know your every blemish, every freckle and every line.

You’re so impossibly beautiful- you could appear to him covered in grime and wearing tattered rags and he’d still think you were the most gorgeous thing he’d ever laid eyes on. Has he ever told you that? No, he doesn’t think he has. Every time he was awed by you, he’d look away before you could notice his blatant stare, never commenting outwardly on how incredible he thought you were.

“Can I kiss you again?” Chan asks tentatively, eyes full of eager trepidation. It may be beyond his capabilities to tell you how gorgeous you are, but he can show you. You nod, a small "yes" leaving your lips. His hands seek you out first, resting themselves on your waist before he kisses you again. It’s a slow, sensual kiss, one that leaves you full of butterflies. All the romance novels you read couldn't have prepared you for how it actually feels to be in the moment, for how it feels to have his hands holding you firmly as he kisses you.

You want to move without restriction, you want to feel him closer, want to feel his touch on your bare skin. You separate, Chan watching you curiously as your face heats up in preparation for what you intend to ask. “Help me take off my dress?” “W-What?” Chan stutters, bright red blush traveling from his cheeks to the tips of his ears. Did he hear you correctly? He’s certainly mistaken, right? “I-I mean, unless you think I should keep it on for the rest of the night..?”

“N-No, right, of course not,” he says, swallowing as he watches you rise from the bed. He follows, hands trembling as watches you turn your back to him, waiting for him to help you untie your corset. He reaches out slowly, untying it as carefully as he can despite his shaking hands.

The layers of your dress follow rather quickly after that, eager to get all the extra weight off your body and allow yourself to feel Chan's touch directly. It's not until you're at the final layer that you feel shyness creep back on you, Chan's hand stilling on your shoulders as his own nerves pick up as well.

When he pulls it down, you'll be strictly in your underwear, the most exposed you've ever been to a man in your entire life. But as much as it makes you shy, it excites you almost equally as much. You turn around now, so that your back is no longer facing him. You cross your arms, placing your hands on top of his, looking up at his face as you guide his hands down your arms, pulling your dress down along with it.

He swallows, eyes following the path your hands lead him on, his face easily the hottest it's ever been in his entire life. You lower your arms once you are no longer able to guide his hands, letting the last piece of fabric fall to the floor around your feet.

Fuck, he really should be looking at you respectfully, but it feels impossible. You are standing in front of him in nothing but your underwear, and you encouraged it, guided him to remove your clothing with your own hands. God, you're going to ruin him.

"Can I?" You ask as you rest your hands on his chest, the buttons of his suit easily within your reach, ready to undo them the moment he gives his approval. He does so easily, even helping you with the buttons and letting it fall to the floor the same way you did with your dress.

You watch as he pulls the undershirt over his head, tossing it to the floor with everything else. Your eyes scan his torso, face heating up as you take in his toned physique. You assumed he was strong given his status, but you've never actually seen the proof of it until now. You'd be embarrassed for blatantly staring if not for the fact that he'd done the same to you just moments ago. It's only fair to stare at him as much as he stares at you- tit for tat, if you will.

Chan's hands reach for his pants now, but he stops before he proceeds with removing them, looking at you as if to ask if it's okay with you before he does. Well, if the eager glint in your eye is anything to go by, you certainly want him to. He pulls them down easily after gaining your approval, kicking them off the rest of the way, (perhaps a bit unceremoniously, given the unprecedented circumstances,) not worrying at all about where they land.

You look at each other, an electric tension filling the space between you. The juxtaposition between the bashfulness and the desire leaving you temporarily stuck in place, a silent battle being waged between ‘should I act, or shouldn’t I?’

It’s typical for the man to make the first move in situations like this, isn’t it? But since when have you adhered to the stereotypical things that were expected of you? You hesitated before now out of fear- fear of what could happen to Chan and fear of your feelings being unrequited, but the minute he laid his feelings out for you, you decided there was no more time for fear, no time for hesitation.

When you want something, you get it, and what you want right now more than anything is Chan, simple as that. You lay back on his bed now as if you own it, looking so relaxed, so assured, as you prop yourself up on your elbows and wait for him to return to your side. Fuck, do you even know what you're doing to him?

He slots himself between your legs, his body weight pressing down on you when he lowers himself to kiss you again. Your torso falls back against the bed when you lift your arms to hold his face in your hands, not letting the kiss break and dragging him back with you. His hands travel up and down your sides, always stopping just under the line of the fabric containing your breasts.

He pulls away from your lips, looking at you closely as he lets his thumbs under the fabric ever so slightly. He’s silently asking for permission again, you realize, searching your eyes for any semblance of hesitation or regret. There’s none to be found, of course- all you feel is desire, is love. You want this as badly as he does, undeniably so.

He pulls it up slowly, carefully, and you lift your back off the bed, allowing him to take it off you completely. You watch him swallow as he stares down at you, taking in the unfamiliar sight of your exposed chest. He’ll never admit how many times he envisioned this moment in his mind, but the reality is much better than anything his mind could have conjured up.

When Chan finally tears his eyes away to look at your face again, you offer him a smile, one that makes his heart stutter. It’s soft, yet completely radiant, and patient. There’s no need for you to rush him along, nor do you judge him for taking his time to look you over. When it’s something special, something you’ve both wanted for so long, with more intensity than you can express, why would you rush? It should be savored, with even the smallest of details committed to memory.

“I love you,” he whispers, leaning down to kiss you for what feels like the millionth time. His hands cup your breasts, feeling the weight of them in his palms for the first time, squeezing (gently, of course,) every so often. When the calloused pads of his thumbs rub over your nipples for the first time, and you let out the most sinfully sweet noise he’s ever heard, he’s done for.

He wants- no, needs, to hear it again. Again, and again, and again, all for him, only ever for him. The small, soft gasps, the shuddering breaths, the shiver that runs along the entirety of your body when he touches you- it’s addictive, so terribly addictive. “Channie-” you whine into his mouth, and he has to suppress the groan that threatens to leave his throat in response.

“Again,” he says as he begins to trail kisses beneath your ear and down the expanse of your neck, “Say my name again.” You oblige his request easily, each small whine turning into a soft moan of his name. Your voice, so dovelike, its sweetness all encompassing, commandeering all his senses. His hands travel lower, rubbing over the plush territory of your thighs, his fingers always coming dangerously close to your center before being taken away.

He chuckles when you huff, a small pout on your lips that he finds adorable. He doesn’t mean to tease, but he has to admit he likes the reaction it grants him. “What’s wrong, darling? I didn’t think you were so impatient,” Chan says with an amused tilt in his voice, because at the end of the day, beneath all the shyness and desire that was at the forefront, he is still the playful person he’s always been.

“Don’t be mean, Channie,” you all but grumble, your pout growing larger. It’s not like you’re trying to rush anything, it’s just.. He knows what he's doing, and he’s doing it on purpose! Making you all needy for his touch, being so close to where you want him but not actually granting it to you.

He smiles, that dazzling one that makes your stomach twist, confirming that he does indeed know he’s tormenting you on purpose. “Apologies, my love. You’re just so cute when you pout.” You would definitely punch him if the statement didn’t make butterflies erupt in your gut. “Chan, please,” you shamelessly whine, and oh, how that instantly turns the tables back in your favor.

He’ll do anything for you, whatever you ask, everything he can offer, it’s yours. You realize that, don’t you? That even if he teases, even if he pretends he’s fine and not completely and utterly enamored by you, he can never actually resist you. “Tell me what you want, Princess. Anything you want, it’s yours. Anything.”

“I-I-” you start, but quickly stumble over your words. The way he’s looking at you, waiting with bated breath for your answer, eyes eager and so willing to give you his all- it sends a shiver down your spine. You swallow, willing your racing heart to calm so you can speak properly. “I want.. To feel you. Inside me.”

Chan’s breath catches in his throat, cock twitching unceremoniously in response. He wants to, it’d be pointless to pretend he doesn’t, but.. “Are- are you sure?” he asks, the question laced with genuine care despite how eager he is for you to say yes. He wants to care for you, wants to make love to you, to claim you as his in the sweetest of ways, but he doesn’t want you to move faster than you’re ready for.

Even if your confessions were a long time coming, even though there was years worth of yearning and desire, it’s still a lot to entrust yourself to someone like that. To trust them wholeheartedly, to grant them such pleasure and believe that they’ll take care of you in return. And he needs to know that you understand the risks and the changes it will bring, and you aren’t saying it out of some spur of the moment obligation to please him. Because he’ll be happy, no matter how long he has to wait.

“Channie,” you place your hands on his face, forcing his eyes to stay locked on your own, “I love you so much. I want to do this with you.” You can feel his face heat up under your fingers, but he smiles- one that is shy, but at the same time full of unfiltered joy. Chan leans down to kiss you once more, showing you all the love and care that he can’t express with his words.

His hands resume their original path, tracing up and down your thighs for a few moments before he finally hooks his fingers into your underwear. He pulls them down slowly, not with the intent to tease you this time, but because he knows when he finally sees what is waiting for him underneath the fabric his heart is going to beat out of his chest.

You adjust your legs position to make the removal easier, watching Chan with nervous excitement. It is scary, you admit, being so exposed and vulnerable in front of someone else, but there is no one else in the world you trust more. No one but Chan makes you feel this safe and secure, and he’s shown you over and over how much love he carries for you.

“You’re so beautiful,” he admits for the first time aloud. Would it be cliche to compare you to a goddess? Maybe, but that’s the only thing that comes even remotely close to conveying how alluring he thinks you are. More radiant than even Aphrodite herself, with even the wonders of the world paling in comparison to you. “Gonna make you feel so good, I promise.”

You watch him bring his hands to his own underwear, slipping them off with relative ease before settling himself comfortably between your legs. “I need to get you ready, okay darling? And then I promise, I’ll give you everything you want,” Chan speaks softly and you nod, entrusting yourself to him completely.

He’s never done this before, so he follows his instinct, doing whatever feels right in the moment. His fingers rub carefully between your folds, spreading around the wetness that accumulated there. Your breathing halts when the pads of his fingers press against your hole, body tingling with overwhelming desire. Slowly, carefully, he pushes his middle finger inside.

The sensation is unfamiliar, but not at all unpleasant- in fact, the back and forth motion of his finger as it slides in and out quickly begins to draw soft whimpers from your lips. Soon enough, he’s adding a second finger, watching how they disappear in you with an almost mystified gaze. He can’t believe how snug you feel around his fingers, how wet and warm and fuck, he can’t even begin to imagine how good it’s going to feel around his cock.

“Ah-!” you gasp loudly when, after some exploration, his fingers find a bundle of nerves that makes every nerve in your body erupt in pleasure. Your head falls back against his pillows, and you bite your lip, trying to contain the slew of loud noises that threaten to leave you everytime he rubs over it again.

His fingers pump in and out at a steady pace now, not too fast as to overwhelm you, but enough to have stars constantly erupting in your vision. Your hands tightly grip the sheets beneath you, legs trembling and knot tightening in your gut unbelievably fast. Chan’s name leaves your mouth over and over between breaths and whines, like a looped mantra, the salacious melody you create music to his ears.

You clamp a hand over your mouth to muffle the loud whimpers and moans that rip through you as you come undone on Chan’s fingers. Would it be sacrilegious to call your noises heavenly when the reason for them is so sinful? He wishes more than anything he could hear them unfiltered, to allow them to flow freely from your lips without a care in the world about the volume and who could hear them.

He slowly stills his fingers as you come down from your high, taking in the sight of you and memorizing every detail. The rise and fall of your chest as you catch your breath, the rosy tint of your cheeks, the beads of sweat that linger on your brow, all coming together to create an ethereal image.

Chan plants soft kisses on your face as he gently slides his fingers out of you, complimenting you on how pretty you sound and beautiful you look. "Channie-" you start, and he smiles, knowing exactly what you intend to whine about. "Don't worry, my love. I'll keep my promise."

He takes his fingers, still wet with your release, and rubs them up and down his length, mixing his pre-cum with it along the way. As you watch you realize that his cock is much bigger than his fingers, and you wonder how it'll fit when just two fingers alone already felt like so much.

“Are you ready?” Chan checks in with you when he’s lined up with your entrance, ready to stop at a moment's notice if you decide this is too much too soon. He can see the subtle worry beneath the anticipation, notices the way you unconsciously hold your breath when he presses against you. It's true, you are nervous, but not enough so to make you change your mind. So you nod, and he moves one of his hands to yours, intertwining your fingers.

“Squeeze if you need to, okay? I'll go slow,” Chan assures you, placing a soft kiss on your temple before he begins. There’s a sharp intake of breath from you when he slowly begins to push inside, the sting being much more intense than you had anticipated. It goes beyond the discomfort you expected, eyes squeezing shut and your grip on his hand tightening.

The minute Chan feels you squeeze his hand tighter, he pauses just as promised. You open your eyes after a moment, looking up at Chan to try and push the sting to the back of your mind. He's breathing heavily, brows knit together in a combination of pleasure and concern, beads of sweat dripping down the sides of his face. It takes all his self control to not get lost in the sensation around him, needing to make sure he takes care of you properly. He can't hurt you, can't lose himself before making sure you'll feel good too, needs to put you above all else.

"Do you need me to stop?" he asks, and you quickly shake your head no, expressing again how much you want to be connected with him in every way possible. Leaning down now, he kisses you until the discomfort subsides, whispering sweet words to you when he resumes the push, praising you over and over again until he's completely within you.

You're still squeezing his hand, not due to any pain or discomfort this time, but to ground yourself through the overwhelming sensation of Chan being deep inside you. He continues kissing you softly, going above and beyond to ensure that you're relaxed and comfortable. "Love you so much Channie," you tell him, and he smiles sweetly, heart so full of adoration and infatuation for you.

“Love you more,” he kisses you, ”so much,” another kiss, “never letting you go.” You giggle softly between his kisses, his words making your heart flutter. After graciously accepting a bit more of his doting, you soon notice that no trace of the initial sting or discomfort remains. In fact, being so full of him feels good, your body unconsciously seeking friction.

“Channie, I’m ready now, want you to move, please,” you beg with such a soft and cute voice, he knows there is no way he can resist. Well, not that he would ever deny you what you want in the first place. With one last kiss, and reassuring squeeze to your hand, he finally allows himself to move.

Slowly, as gently as he can, he pulls out, pressing back inside in one fluid motion when only the tip remains, repeating the action through shaky breaths and his bottom lip tucked between his teeth. Even with the languid pace, it's enough to drive him insane. Every detail of you, from the way you look, the way you sound, the way you feel wrapped around him, so snug and warm and inviting- it’s intoxicating.

Chan’s arms reach beneath you, hooking under your back and hands holding your shoulders, keeping your body closely pressed against his own. His face is buried in your neck, low groans beneath your ear, for you and you alone to hear. You make your own effort to keep him close as well; one hand tangling in his curly hair and the other tightly gripping his bicep.

He’s going slow, not just for your sake, but for his own. Because if he doesn’t he’s going to blow, because he wants to live in this moment for as long as he possibly can, because being close to you like this is everything he’s ever dreamed of. You’re his, finally his, and he wants it to last, wants to indulge in the feeling and the emotion of being your chosen lover.

It takes him a few tries to find the spot that makes you see stars with just his cock, but he knows he’s found it when you (unwittingly) let out a loud moan, nails digging into his skin and eyes rolling back. He picks up his pace now, chasing the sound of your pleasure-filled voice, wanting to hear you call his name over and over again.

He kisses you again when your combined noises begin to grow in pitch, muffling one another in a desperate attempt to keep the sounds of pleasure confined to the 4 walls of Chan’s room. You want to be quiet, you know you should be, but you truly can’t help it. But if he’s being honest, he likes that you can’t keep your voice down, likes that he’s making you feel so good that you can’t suppress it.

Chan is getting close now, and he pulls himself away from your lips, wanting to look at you once more before his approaching orgasm overtakes him. Even now, when you're breathless, cheeks red and hair sticking to your forehead due to the sweat, you’re the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. "Wanna cum in you,” he manages to say between his low moans, “will you let me, please? Need to fill you up, need to make you mine forever, just like I'm yours."

Once again, your stomach flips, the words having an immense effect on you. "Y-Yes, yes, cum in me, I'm yours, only yours," you answer easily, wanting nothing more than to feel (and watch) him come apart because of you. His pace stutters following your permission, thrusts growing quick and sloppy as he chases his high, groans turning into drawn out whines.

The faster pace sends you reeling, toes curling has the knot in your stomach tightens and snaps in quick succession. You pull Chan back down to you, kissing him deeply as you cum around his cock, both to muffle yourself and as a gesture of the all consuming love you feel for him. He lets out soft, desperate whimpers as he releases inside you, ropes of cum painting your walls white.

You both stay like that for a few moments- breathlessly wrapped in one another's embrace, sharing soft kisses as you come down from your highs, soft admissions of love leaving your lips. You wince when Chan’s softening length pulls out of you, feeling extremely sensitive following the loss of your virginity.

Chan blows out the candles before he lays down next to you, leaving the moonlight coming through his window as the only illumination. He intended to pull you close to him, but he didn't have to- you snuggle up to him the moment you can, laying your head on his chest and wrapping your arm around his torso, legs tangling with his.

His racing heartbeat begins to slow, an extreme relaxation sweeping over his body. He closes his eyes, your soft breathing serving as his own personal lullaby. Carefully, he reaches his free arm out for his blanket, pulling it over to cover your nude bodies. He’s nearly asleep when he hears you softly call his name, voice quiet but still loud and clear in his ears. “What is it, darling?” he asks as he opens his eyes and lifts his head to look at you.

There’s a moment of silence that follows as you consider how best to voice what you want to say, but Chan is patient, looking at you with a soft gaze. “Do you.. Think we can really get married?” You finally ask, and Chan’s heart squeezes in his chest when you do. He can hear the tremble in your voice so clearly, feels the way you hold him tighter as you wait for him to answer.

If he’s being truthful, he doesn’t know. It’s what he wants, what he hopes for more than words can express, but just doesn’t know. And it breaks his heart to see you like this- clearly vulnerable and unsure. You’ve always sought out Chan for comfort, but it’s different this time. Different because you now know the depths of love you both share, the desire to always be together and the fear that you’ll be driven apart.

You’ll fight for your love, of course you will, because there is no happiness to be had if Chan isn’t by your side. But you don’t want to have to fight for it, you don’t want either of you to suffer, you don’t want Chan to be driven away from you by people who don’t understand and don’t value him for who he is. You want your love to be accepted, to openly profess your love, to marry the only person you’ve ever had eyes for.

Tears are welling in your eyes, and he can see them even in the dim moonlight. “Y/N..” he uses his free arm to reach for your face, wiping away the tears that threaten to fall with his thumb. “I’m going to marry you. No matter what I have to do, I will,” Chan tells you, voice gentle but resolute. He meant it when he said he’s never letting you go, meant it when he said he’ll always be yours and always be beside you.

He doesn’t know what the future holds- if things will come easy for you both, or if you’ll have to fight tooth and nail just to be with each other. But he knows that no matter what the answer is, he will be with you. Whether in your toughest moments or happiest, he’ll be there. Holding your hand, giving you his love, sticking with you until the end of his days.

Whether it’s tomorrow, months, or even years from now, he’ll be your husband. You’ll be the one he shares his life with, the one he starts a family with, the one he sees every morning and every night. He’ll hold you close, starting your days with ‘I love you’s’ and ending them with the same, giving you all he has to give.

“No matter what happens, we’ll get through it together, okay? I love you so much,” Chan says and you nod, a soft smile on your face as you wipe your eyes and lay your head back down against him. “Love you, Channie.” He kisses your head softly, urging you to relax, to fall asleep, and not worry about what could be, but indulge in what is.

Indulge in the love you share, the feeling of closeness as you lie together in his bed, the sound of his heartbeat in your ear and his gentle reassurances. He’ll still be here when you wake up, will keep you in his arms, holding you close and making sure you know how much he adores you, how much he loves you. Because no matter what the future brings, you still have this moment. You still have each other.

and that's all for this one shot ! i hope you enjoyed it :) i couldn't decide which ending would be best out of the ones i had ideas for, so i decided to leave it more open ended. i personally want them to live happily ever after following this, but you can leave it up to your imagination!

if there's interest i might make a part two that explores one of the endings i had in mind (most likely the angsty one if i'm being honest because it'd be much longer than a purely happy ending) so lmk if you'd like to read that and i'll work on it!

i'd also like to say, this was originally not the chan story in my drafts i was going to post first but i got really inspired during the writing and ended up finishing it before the other one, so expect yet another chan x reader in (possibly) the near future :')

and lastly, i once again want to say thank you so much for all the sweet things you've all said about my writing so far !! i didn't expect to get such kind feedback and i appreciate it sm <3

#skz x reader #bang chan x reader #skz smut #bang chan smut #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz fluff #skz angst #mdni + divider graphic credit: @cafekitsune

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i-guess-im-into-this-now · 7 days

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The Apothecary Diaries

S1E13 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/locations cheat sheet

Verdigris House- brothel in the Pleasure District

Fengming- LIW to Lady Ah-Duo who was executed

Meimei: one the the 3 princesses at Verdigris House, wears blue, sings, plays go, and chess

Joka: one of the 3 princesses at Verdigris House, wears red

Pairin: one of the 3 princesses at Verdigris House

Luomen: Maomao's father

Suiren - Jinshi's attendant

Opening. Oh lord! It's happening! A scene I've been waiting for. Jinshi with the emperor!

Jinshi: You're serious? Emperor: If so, then what's next? After all, you are the gardener responsible for maintaining my flowers.

I'm not sure what they are talking about, but I'm going to guess that maybe the emperor is asking Jinshi to pick the next Pure Consort, since that position was recently vacated by Lady Ah-Duo. I find it really weird that the emperor would ask someone else to pick a concubine for him, but the choice has more to do with politics than it does with attraction, so perhaps he thinks Jinshi would be better positioned to know what would be the right move?

Jinshi: He truly is cunning.

I won't know what is so cunning about this until more is revealed, but I believe Jinshi's assessment. The emperor almost certainly has a well considered purpose behind all that he does.

Jinshi: How ironic.

Is the irony that the emperor already has an heir in Jinshi, but that Jinshi is being forced to care for the Rear Palace and ensure that another heir is born? One that can be acknowledged as such?

Jinshi: No matter how hard I try, I can only slightly outperform a regular person in intellect and martial arts. Instead, I have been gifted in appearance more beautiful than most.

I think he is undercutting his abilities here. And maybe that has been common place in Jinshi's life. He's so beautiful that it's easy to overlook that he is also sharp as a tack and quite savvy. We've only seen him with a sword once, but in that match he deftly defeated another officer trained in martial arts. So, I think it's possible he's underselling himself there too. I think what is really going on is that Jinshi is resentful that he's so beautiful. His beauty makes him into an object to be desired. People see Jinshi the beauty, not Jinshi the person. It's isolating. Also that beauty has made Jinshi into a tool to be wielded. His beauty is a cage that prevents him from choosing his own path.

Jinshi: The things I truly want in this life, they feel so far out of reach.

Jinshi is a flower in the garden as well. He too is trapped in a cage.

Jinshi: I was dissatisfied at first but I've gotten over it.

I don't believe him.

Jinshi: The emperor has me in the palm of his hand like everyone else.

There is resentment here.

This relationship is very strange. I don't have enough information to read it yet, since the emperor only had one line here. But even so the circumstances are weird.

Jinshi who was born of Lady Ah-Duo would be the emperor's son, and under normal circumstances should have been raised as an heir. But with the baby swap that took place, he was instead raised as the emperor's brother. Presumably someone found out about the switch after the other child had died, so Jinshi and the emperor should also know. It seems the palace never tried to undo the switch, and instead encouraged the current emperor to simply have another heir. That he waited so long to have another child, is strange. That he assigned Jinshi to be in charge of the harem is also strange.

If Jinshi were envious of the throne, this would be cruel to him to make him cultivate another heir to take the position. If Jinshi were ambitious for the throne, it would be dangerous to the other heirs, because were he corrupt he could eliminate them. The emperor seems to trust that Jinshi won't harm any other potential heirs. He is also pretty utilitarian, using Jinshi's beauty as a tool, and being indifferent to whatever emotions Jinshi may have about that.

And Jinshi tells us that he doesn't like this, but he doesn't have a choice. Jinshi's struggles are often those of responsibilities and expectations from his status.

Jinshi: I'll manage the rear palace and whatever else he wants. I have to. It's the only way I can choose my own path.

Even though he doesn't like working in the rear palace, there is something good about it. If he can maintain his position as younger brother to the emperor, rather than being pulled into the line of succession then he will have more choices in how he lives his life. A spare is different than an heir. If one or more of the concubines can bear some male children, then the emperor's succession is secured, and Jinshi is free from the obligations of the throne. He will always be a tool to the emperor, but that's very different from becoming the next in line to the throne.

The ladies at Verdigris House are so excited for Maomao. They are giving her gifts and advice.

Meimei: You've landed yourself what most would consider a dream job at the palace, and you're telling me you can't even dress appropriately for the position?

It's something Maomao needs to hear. There are expectations of her in the palace. She's not going in at the bottom rung this time. She's not a washer girl who can dress however she wants and be overlooked. I don't know exactly what her position in the palace will be, but since Jinshi bought her, well, if it were another man, I would say she would be coming in as his personal concubine, but I don't know what Jinshi has planned for her. Maybe she's going back to the Rear Palace, but I don't really see how she can. She was released from that position for a reason. The Rear Palace has to ensure that anyone that had any connection to Fengming is gone, so they can't very well just bring Maomao back. In any case since Jinshi is bringing her in, she will be a representative of him, and how she presents herself will matter to more than just Maomao.

I've been noticing Joka, the courtesan in red, the last few times I've seen her. Her reactions are not the same as the other princesses. She seems, I don't know, numb, or subdued. I'm not sure if she is hiding something, or if she's depressed, or something else entirely. It's worth keeping an eye on her.

Okay, so Maomao IS going back to the Rear Palace. She gives us a review of everything that happen in the first half of the show. I also noticed a new intro and title card to the show, so this feels like a second season.

Maomao: I was weak, and succumb to the allure of the caterpillar fungus.

Lol. Maomao. It's not even true. She wanted out of her courtesan contract more than anything and she wanted to return to the palace, but I'm sure she's feeling all kinds of vulnerable with Jinshi buying out her contract, so here we see her reframe the event as a lack of impulse control for a medicinal ingredient.

Regardless, she is excited about this move. She admits to being reluctant to leave her dad, but she's coming in with more freedom this time. She isn't an indentured servant, instead she is... well, she is in whatever her undefined situation with Jinshi is. Maomao and I are both going to need some clarity on that.

Maomao is baffled because her father has told her to do as she likes. So Luomen has also realized what is going on between Maomao and Jinshi and encourages her to make her own choice in that regard. Maomao is oblivious, thinks she's going to the palace to be a food taster again. But everyone else around her, from the courtesans at Verdigris House to her father, acknowledges that having a high ranking official pay a fortune to buy you out of your debts, might mean there is something more going on. Not to mention the very personal gift of the rare fungus. Maomao's friends and family are both seeing something that's there and reading into something that's not. Jinshi is committed to Maomao, and wants more with her, they see that. But everyone is assuming Maomao is going off to the palace to live with her lover, and that's not the case. Maomao just can't imagine that anyone would see her as desirable and so she's perplexed by the gifts and well wishes.

Luomen sets Maomao straight on a few things. She won't be able to make poisons in the palace. She's not going there as a physician. She chose to go to the palace to work, instead of staying in the Pleasure District to be an apothecary with her father. There was always going to be a sacrifice in any choice she made, and this is part of that.

She scoots her bed closer to her father, on this final night in his house. Luomen teases her and calls her baby, to which Maomao responds that it's cold. Yeah it is. Cold like this father-daughter relationship. Maybe Luomen is just frosty because she chose to leave him here because he says, "soon we'll be lonely again." But Maomao assures him, that this time she'll be able to come home whenever she wants. Luomen shows some genuine warmth to her when he pats her head and affirms that she is welcome to come back any time. She considers the people she counts as family: her father, the madame and ladies of the Verdigris House. It's a comfort to know there are people here that would welcome her back. It's a strength she needs behind her as she willingly steps into the unknown of her future.

Jinshi comes to pick up Maomao at Verdigris House. To the courtesans, Maomao is achieving the highest aspiration a girl from the brothel could hope for. She's been selected by a high ranking, wealthy official, who seems to have genuine feelings for her. She's going off to live as a high class lady in the palace. In their eyes she's achieved status, wealth, security, and maybe even love. And they couldn't be prouder. They are like bridesmaids preparing a bride for her new life. And so they do everything they can to make Maomao look like a high class lady. Maomao is ✨sparkling✨. Which has a profound effect on Jinshi.

I'm reminded of Jinshi's thoughts from the top of the episode:

Jinshi: The things I truly want in this life, they feel so far out of reach.

And yet here is Maomao, dressed in finery, looking every bit like a high class lady. Could she fit in his life?

It takes zero seconds for word to spread about Jinshi's new courtesan. There is literally a crowd of people gathered around the brothel to gawk. Maomao is getting a ton of attention.

Maomao: I hope you realize, this is your fault. All of this unwanted attention.

It couldn't possibly be that Maomao is beautiful, it must be because of Jinshi.

Jinshi: well, that's because you look...

Like what Jinshi? Finish your sentence!

Maomao: I look what? Jinshi: It's nothing.

He can't say all the things he's thinking because she'll pull back. He'll do anything to prevent that gulf between them from widening. Plus to compliment her in this scenario may sound suggestive. Which he needs to be very careful about. If she is interested in him and wants to move their relationship to something more romantic then Jinshi would most likely be pleased, but if she feels that she is obligated to do so because he bought her contract, then... well I don't think that's what he wants.

I also think he's frustrated here. He's frustrated that he can't tell her what he feels and he's frustrated that her appearance could breed competition.

Oh yeah, he is jealous. A guard is dazed by the glimpse he caught of Maomao. Jinshi distinctly does not like it, and physically gets between Maomao and the man so he can't see her. Wow, my dude.

Jinshi: By the way, while you're here, you should wear your regular freckles.

I'm laughing, because Jinshi is jealous and that's a good look on him, but I still don't like what he's saying. She might read this comment to mean that the palace is not a safe place for women, but that's not what Jinshi is afraid of. He's afraid someone else will notice how beautiful Maomao is, and try to charm her. It is possessive and controlling behavior from Jinshi. Which we have seen before in the way he has maneuvered Maomao in the past. Jinshi has made progress, but he still doesn't fully respect her yet. I guess the man needs more painful lessons. I do so enjoy watching him suffer.

Palace gossip! The Rear Palace Manager has bought a new courtesan from the Verdigris House!

I'm reminded of a rumor that went around, way back in... let me check... episode 5! It was said that a servant girl seduced a military officer who infamously hates women. I thought at the time that the rumor was about Maomao and Jinshi, and if I'm right then Jinshi has a reputation for "hating woman." Or at least consistently turning them down. Which is why the news that he has now brought in a courtesan is so juicy.

And we have a mysterious new character who overhears the gossip and simply says, "how fascinating." Who is this guy? I can't place his age. I think he is dressed like other military officials. He is in a large office. Is it his own office? Is he a high ranking official? We see him playing Go, so we can assume he's an intelligent, maybe even strategic thinker. I immediately don't like that he is interested in Jinshi's actions. Is he a rival?

Maomao: What is this guy doing?

Jinshi is acting like a damn fool. He's doing his best to block the view of Maomao from every man on the street. Gaoshun is so disappointed.

Jinshi has taken Maomao to his own personal house. Maomao was wrong. She can't go back to the Rear Palace, after being fired from there.

She meets the attendant of Jinshi's residence, an older woman named Suiren, who calls her "Xiaomao." Maomao instantly looks at Gaoshun, since that's the pet name he has been using for her for a few episodes now. I wonder what Suiren was told about Maomao's arrival. Suiren also refers to Jinshi as the "young master." She points out where Jinshi's office is, where his personal residence is, and purposefully where his bedroom is. This lady is under the same impression as everyone else, when it comes to Maomao. Maomao is still contemplating why Jinshi would be referred to as the young master, but Suiren reads that as Maomao worrying about her responsibilities in Jinshi's bedroom, and says, "I'm sure you are going to be all right." Maomao is clueless as always when it comes to the topic of her own desirability.

Maomao is surprised to find that she's been given a nice room in Jinshi's residence. It almost seems like a nice enough room to give to a beloved new concubine.

Jinshi, who has seen a vision of Maomao in his life as a classy lady, informs her that she's not going to be a servant here. She needs to study to take a test to be accepted as a court lady. Maomao is truly blindsided. She really thought she was going to be a servant in the palace. We can guess her thoughts: A court lady? Surely I'm not fit for that! We see again how her self esteem stymies her.

We see Maomao at the next dawn, painting on her freckles as requested, and donning her old green robes, rather than the beautiful robes she arrived in. And I have to question, once again, just what the hell Jinshi thinks he is doing. On the one hand he wants her to study to become a court lady, so she can have the status to stay at his side in his residence. On the other hand he thwarts that very effort by discouraging her from dressing the part, when he asked her to paint on her freckles. Even though she wears her old outer robes, she has been provided a very nice cotton inner robe. Something that would be appropriate for a new concubine regular servant.

Maomao finds Suiren in the kitchen, doing all of the work of handling Jinshi's personal affairs, by herself. The other female attendants that used to work there, couldn't restrain their lust for Jinshi and had to be let go. It seems someone left underwear made of hair in Jinshi's closet. If anyone knows the significance of this garment please share.

Maomao gets to accompany Suiren to wake Jinshi up, and Maomao gets a good look at a disheveled Jinshi first thing in the morning.

Maomao: So much wasted sex appeal.

If only his robe were open a little lower, she may realize this guy is not a eunuch.

Maomao: I can see why only Master Gaoshun and Lady Suiren are allowed his room.

And you. Dumbass.

Maomao is deep into a fantasy of being able to use Jinshi's sex appeal to bottle as an aphrodisiac. If she's looking greedily at Jinshi right now, it has less to do with his effect on her and more to do with her obsession with medicine.

Jinshi: If you desire it, I can seek you out a different room.

Is he... he's suggesting his own room, isn't he? He's teasing her for staring.

Maomao notices an intense glare from Gaoshun.

Maomao: If he wants me to understand, he's going to have to be more direct.

Yeah, like maybe try a sledgehammer. If it has to do with Maomao's being desirable, she'll never figure it out on her own.

She really doesn't get it. And requests a different room. LOL! Maomao! Jinshi denies her request. Gaoshun and Suiren look pained by this interaction. Perhaps Suiren will have a better understanding of how things actually are between Jinshi and Maomao after witnessing this debacle. Gaoshun has been suffering through this disaster of a courtship for a year now.

Maomao learns that Jinshi actually does a lot of work, even though he found so much time to loiter around the Rear Palace when she was there. Gee I wonder why he spent so much of his precious time there. Maomao is also told to stay away from the east side of the palace where all of the military officers are. It wouldn't be right for a prized concubine regular servant to be seen there with a bunch of men after all. It's important that she learn the many departments of the outer palace if she is going to be a court lady, something Maomao still hasn't really committed to yet.

Maomao stocks some charcoal in Jinshi's office while he's out and she gets the impression that Jinshi holds a rather high position. Some day she will figure out who he is, or you know, ask him about it, but she's committed to living in denial right now.

The court ladies that work in the outer palace have qualifications, background, and education that make them fit for their positions. Maomao has none of that, though I have no doubt she could be successful at it if she wanted to. She doesn't. She mentioned that it is hard for her to learn about things she isn't interested in. She's not interested in this. Jinshi may need to rethink his plan for Maomao. Or wild idea, maybe talk to her about it.

But talking to each other feels so risky right now. They haven't clarified at all what it means that Jinshi bought her and moved her into his house. It feels like if they start to question this undefined relationship then things could fall apart. So they both tip toe around one another, never mentioning the giant issue between them. It's too scary to try and move ahead; neither is willing to risk letting it fall apart. This tenuous situation cannot last for long. There are so many things that could disrupt it.

Some palace ladies come to meet Maomao, and they are pissed. They call her a runt, and imply she must have done something to get assigned directly to Jinshi's residence. Maomao is straight up transfixed on this woman's bosom. Maomao's flat chest is a something she seems to be self conscious about.

Maomao: So what you're saying is that all of you are envious of me?

She's got it right. But it's a little too honest for these terrible people. The angriest one slaps Maomao. Maomao twists the words of these ladies. If Maomao, "an ugly girl," is receiving special treatment from Jinshi, then surely he must have atrocious taste; he must have interesting proclivities. They do not want to be accused of spreading gossip about Jinshi, and that stalls them. Maomao shows them her arm, and implies that Jinshi took her in merely out of pity. One of these ladies is clearly different than the rest. She almost seems subdued or something. I'm not quite sure, her reactions are off though. Either way, the ladies are pacified for now, and they leave.

Jinshi saw at least part of that exchange, and he is not happy. He doesn't care about what she said about him having "interesting proclivities." He even teases her about it. He might even be impressed by how Maomao was able to turn the ladies words back at them. But he really didn't like seeing her have to defend herself for simply being there in his residence. Or the fact that someone hit Maomao.

Jinshi: Question. Is being harassed a common occurrence for you?

Honestly, I'm glad he saw it. She never would have told him about this. I'm not sure what he can do about it, but she's a person under his protection, and he at least should know it's happening.

Perhaps Jinshi is getting his first insight into how his status impacts Maomao. She becomes a target because she is connected to him. Those who are jealous of the attention she gets, can easily take that out on her. And if it is known that Jinshi cares about her, Maomao becomes an easy target to attack Jinshi, because someone could hurt Maomao to hurt Jinshi. Or they could use her to try to manipulate him. She's a vulnerability for Jinshi. And maybe he hasn't realized that before now.

Jinshi asks why she showed the ladies her arm. Maomao gets real weird about it and slinks off. I know some day we will find out what the deal is with her arm, but until then the mystery grows.

As she's leaving Jinshi encourages her to study for the court ladies' exam. I don't see how this is going to work. She doesn't want to do it. I entertained the idea that maybe this has to do with her self-esteem issues, and it may, but it's not the whole story. She wants to be an apothecary. So unless court ladies can go around studying and practicing medicine, this is maybe not going to work out.

Maomao does study a bit for the exam. Maybe she felt obligated after looking at her precious caterpillar fugus. But in any case, she fails the exam. She won't be able to hold a respectable court lady position after all. Rather she is made to be Jinshi's personal servant.

Jinshi: What should we do?

He should have discussed this with Maomao from the beginning. He can try as he likes, but he's not going to be able to make Maomao into something she doesn't want to be. If he wants to find a place for Maomao in his life, he's going to have to make sure she wants that too.

Maomao gets distracted by some medicinal herbs and wanders into an area she shouldn't be. I'm guessing it's the east end of the palace where all of the military officers are. The court lady who was less enthusiastically mean earlier, hits Maomao in the head and tells her:

You should know your place. There's no reason for you to go beyond this point.

Maomao notices that this lady smells of sandalwood and something distinctly bitter. I don't remember sandalwood coming up before, but something bitter, could it be an illness? Or perhaps a specific treatment for a condition? Maomao knows. She's giving this lady a thoughtful look.

And apparently this is the part of the palace where the military officers hang out. We get another look at our mysterious new character. He's taken an interest in Maomao. Probably because he has realized she's important to Jinshi. My, my, how ripe for drama.

Cryptic ending. Someone hands a fancy pipe to a guard. The figure is cloaked. My initial thought is that it's Maomao offering a treatment to the lady she just ran into, but maybe not. The music clues me in that this is a nefarious person up to nefarious deeds. Maybe they are selling opium or some other drug. Is that an opium pipe? I legit don't know. Okay a quick web search has me convinced that is an opium pipe. So the distinct bitter smell that Maomao noticed was that of opium. And now we know why that lady from earlier was a bit more subdued, she was on drugs.

Interesting episode. The whole show has changed, and feels very different from the first half.

Maomao is getting a much more intimate view of just who Jinshi is and what his life entails. Hopefully, she will be able to relieve herself of some of the misconceptions she has about him, and maybe even start to examine some of her feelings towards this person. Jinshi is going to to have to adjust his expectations of her, and work on giving her reasons to want to be with him, rather than trying to change her into something she's not. I'm super interested to see how Maomao and Jinshi will be able to fit their lives together.

If people start dropping from using opium, then Maomao may be able to help. Solving mysteries where she really shines. So if Jinshi can just find a way to make her a court forensic investigator, that would be great.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

Next episode:

Episode 14

#the apothecary diaries #apothecary diaries #maomao #jinshi #jinmao

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ehh-is-the-name · 2 months

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TPOT 10 spoilers 'cause BH makes me insane

I mean, c'mon. You can't see this thumbnail and think things are gonna be ok for you mentally if you like blackhole. Like you know what's coming to you.

First things first, let me just scream into the void for a second-

HIS NIGHTMARE IS KILLING PEOPLE AND LETTING THAT CONSUME HIM?????!!?!?

AAAAAAAAAGUH MY HEART??!!???!?

Man- I love Blackhole and this episode just drove the stake into my heart. The fact that he, himself, is a being who causes death by getting too close to people made me writhe in BFB. But actively showing the extent of how it affects him—ack! He knows he causes death, which is why it's so important for him not to kill people, and why he's so strict about the pact rules!!

It makes so much sense... BFB 1 had it all laid out, and TPOT 10 sewed it together.

From the way he was hesitant about helping Flower!!! We know- he knows he's gonna end the world by getting closer, but he gives into it anyway. Instead of putting his foot down to Flower, he gives in to his feeling of wanting to be closer to people—from the way he's so happy about being shrunk—and more later. Then we get that whole thing with everyone about to die.

We know if Four never came, everyone would've died. Blackhole knows that too, from the end of his nightmare. More specific to this clip though, from the scene with Pie and LIY, since he literally just gave in to the urge to get closer and he wants that to never happen again. As a singularity in space, he could appreciate the planet, and life on it, more than other objects. He could see them all interact but never actually interact with them (besides talking), so at this chance of being beckoned, it makes sense that he'd just go "eh, fuck it, alright" then IMMEDIATELY regret his actions. Although his nightmare was about being afraid he'll "give into murderous urges", it can also be interpreted as him being afraid to let go. Something clearly stated in the last scene of his nightmare...

Queue TPOT 10 scene from clip above (I'm so mad that it's only 1 video per post on here)

Over the season we've seen him go from preventing death to just not killing people. It's morphed into his own cut-throat rule for the pact, which, in this context, is fair to see why. He joined the game via him not caring about the consequences, and it's stuck with him, so seeing everyone over and over get away with things made him HAVE to re-enforce to himself that he wasn't allowed. Death PACT doesn't kill people. HE doesn't kill people. He can't allow himself to let go of that regiment.

Obviously, this causes problems in the team- we see the clip. The thing that gets me the most is that this is bona fide trauma we're working with—Fanny telling him to #get-over-it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. And OK! I know- I know that's not exactly what she's saying but that's how it felt, and I know she has every right to be upset 'cause he was fuckin' over his team, but again that's just me! (The fact they got on the same page was enough for me anyway.) I digress, his "obsessive nature" was essentially just a response to everything that's happened to him—it's what makes him feel in control of himself. Poor BH's got trauma bad :(

I think what really twists that knife for me is that... the guy really just wants to connect with his peers normally- He wants everything to go back to normal, and that's one of the reasons he compromises with Fanny. On some level, he knows he's gone too far, but he's just afraid. Even at the end, he can't bring himself to kill Tree, even though he knows it'd be better with the new "focusing on life" angle. Did you hear that shakey exhale? Man's going through the wringer. Obviously, he won't overcome his trauma in an episode, but it's a good step to just playing and enjoying the game.

Anyway... There is probably a shitton of fans that are looking at this like "Yeah no shit Sherlock" but hey! Be nice. Some of us are slower than the others, and by some of us, I mean me. I needed this punch in the face to really see how death was impacting Blackhole's mental state and now I've word vomited my thoughts out.

#I should've done my hw instead of this but can you blame me??#I haven't gone off about him here before- but trust me. I've had thoughts on this #tpot 10 spoilers #tpot #bfb #tpot black hole #bfb black hole #character analysis #osc #long post #ehh exaggerates

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cherrypikkins · 7 months

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Here is my contribution to the final prompt from @fe-oc-week! Oct 15 - Endings

With some fake game ending cgs for Kitt :3

No extra lore write-up today! Instead, I've included some sample battle dialogue below the cut. Do enjoy :3

Background generously provided by @damnilovefaerghus

vs transformed Miklan (Conand Tower, White Clouds):

Kitt: "I was hoping it wouldn't come to this… But that's why I'm here."

Kitt: "Listen, Professor. If you can crack its armor, I'll make quick work of it."

Kitt: "But if you want to give your students an impromptu lesson on how to fell a Demonic Beast… I won't object."

If ordered to attack transformed Miklan: Kitt: "Fine, then. Allow me to show you how it's done."

vs Edelgard:

(Battle of Garreg Mach, pre-time skip)

Edelgard: "You and I are not so different, Kitt. I know you wish to be free of the Church's machinations. We might have walked this path together, had you trusted me."

Kitt: "This is rich, coming from the Flame Emperor herself. Your entire reign is built on lies and secrets. I can't trust you any more than I can trust the Church."

Kitt: "And as they say, better the devil you know…"

(Battle at Enbarr, Silver Snow/Verdant Wind)

Kitt: "Edelgard. Let Rhea go. I don't know what you have planned for her, but she and I have a score to settle."

Edelgard: "I am not concerned with vendettas of the ancient past, nor will they have a place in Fodlan's new dawn."

Edelgard: "You of all people should understand what it's like to be powerless, to have all control over your own fate wrested away by the likes of Rhea and her ilk."

Edelgard: "Knowing that, how can you truly wish for her to walk free?"

Kitt: "Because no one deserves to be buried underground, sealed away from the rest of the world and forgotten, left to the mercy of their jailers."

Kitt: "Believe me, I do understand."

(Battle at Enbarr, Azure Moon)

Kitt: "That's quite the transformation, Edelgard. Well done. You've already mastered what I've had to practice in secret for years."

Kitt: "But surely you must know what happens to monsters like you and me. I'll cut you down, same as all the rest.

Hegemon Edelgard: "You are welcome to try."

vs Seteth:

(Battle at Garreg Mach, pre time-skip, Crimson Flower)

Seteth: "Of all people, I thought you would have learned not to repeat the mistakes of the past."

Seteth: "Stand down, lest I be forced to repeat some mistakes of my own."

Kitt: "Seteth. Didn't you promise long ago that the people of Annwen would suffer no harm under your protection?"

Kitt: "I've been meaning to talk to you about that. But for now, it looks like we'll have to fight each other instead."

(Battle at Garreg Mach, post time-skip, Crimson Flower)

Kitt: "Hello, Seteth. You've quite the nerve to show your face around here."

Seteth: "You took the words out of my mouth."

Seteth: "To think, after everything we've tried to do for you, you would once again betray our trust and bear teeth against your own family."

Kitt: "Ha. You're one to talk about trust or family. Even that kid you called 'sister' was getting tired of your never-ending charade."

Seteth: "You will not drag Flayn into this! No matter who you are, know that I will destroy you to safeguard her if I must!"

Kitt: "Then you should have thought about that before bringing her here."

(If Kitt defeats Seteth)

Kitt: "Take Flayn and leave Garreg Mach - now - before I end your life. This is the only chance I'm giving you. I suggest you take it."

Seteth: "I… I understand. We will not meet again."

Seteth: "Regardless of everything else… I am grateful for your mercy. It is certainly more than we have shown you, and more than either of us deserve."

Kitt: "Don't come back."

vs Flayn:

(Battle at Garreg Mach, pre time-skip, Crimson Flower)

Flayn: "Kitt, what are you doing? You cannot truly mean to fight us! We're your family!"

Kitt: "You and I seem to have wildly different ideas about how this 'family' is supposed to work."

Kitt: "For example, if you get to call Seteth 'brother'… where does that leave me?"

Flayn: "I… That's not…"

Kitt: "Not what? Not fair?"

Kitt: "I'll tell you what else isn't fair - being treated like some lost broken toy you can fix and heal until I'm good as new. Better than new. Until there's nothing left of the old me."

Kitt: "Why couldn't you just let me stay asleep forever?"

(Battle at Garreg Mach, post time-skip, Crimson Flower)

Flayn: "Why are you doing this, Kitt?"

Kitt: "Not one step closer, Flayn."

Flayn: "Tell me, I beg of you! I wish only to understand! In what way have I done you wrong? What must I do to make amends?"

Kitt: "Enough! I know you only have the best wishes at heart, but I won't serve as a vessel for your good intentions."

Kitt: "And unlike you, I refuse to spend the rest of my life hiding behind a web of lies and secrets."

Flayn: "Kitt… I know not what to say. To think that it should come to this…"

(If Kitt defeats Flayn)

Kitt: "Find your father and go. Leave this place and never come back."

Flayn: "I… Yes. I will do as you say."

Flayn: "I wish you nothing but happiness for the rest of your days. Good-bye, Kitt."

Kitt: "…Good-bye, Flayn."

vs Rhea:

(Final Battle, Silver Snow)

Kitt: "This is just like what happened at Annwen… and the day I was struck down."

Kitt: "Rhea. This disaster is of your own making. But to suffer like this is too much for anyone to bear - even you."

Kitt: "Like all the beasts I've felled before, I'll put an end to your pain."

(Battle at Garreg Mach, pre-time skip, Crimson Flower)

Rhea: "I see you are determined stand against me here once more, after all the mercy I've shown you, after every second chance I've given. You truly are the capricious one, aren't you?"

Kitt: "I discarded that name long ago. It's just Kitt now."

(Battle at Tailtean, Crimson Flower)

Seiros: "You. I know what you are. I've seen your true face, for it has haunted me since that day I struck you down."

Seiros: "I did everything in my power to make amends, to restore you to full glory, just like she bade me. And yet once more, I must destroy you where you stand."

Kitt: "You still haven't figured it out, have you? She set you up with an impossible task. It was never in your power to reverse the deeds of the past."

Kitt: "No matter how hard you try, some things can never be fixed, nor healed, nor restored to what they once were. She was trying to teach you a lesson."

Kitt: "But it's fine. I've moved on from that. And so can you."

Seiros: "You know I cannot. I was never as quick to change as you are. Nor will I stop trying to bring her back, even if you are determined to betray her memory time and time again."

(Battle of Fhirdiad, Crimson Flower)

The Immaculate One: "You! Miserable, conniving serpent who dares hide itself among the flock!"

The Immaculate One: "You are not worthy of her blessing! Not worthy of her blood! I should have sealed you in your own grave while I had the chance!"

Kitt: "Yes, you should have. But don't be sad. The moment you're gone from this world, I won't be far behind."

As enemy, if not recruited:

(Battle at Garreg Mach, post-time skip, Crimson Flower, if Kitt not recruited)

Kitt: "It's a shame we can't catch up, for old time's sake. Too bad I must ask you to move."

Kitt: "…Or by all means, keep on testing me. You're not going to like what happens next, and neither am I."

If defeated:

Kitt: "Into the dark, once more. Maybe this time…forever."

vs Byleth:

(Battle at Garreg Mach, post-time skip, Crimson Flower, if Kitt not recruited)

Kitt: "Professor. Did I ever tell you? How much you remind me of someone I once knew?"

Kitt: "Long ago, she told me that the moment I've decided who my people are, I must fight to protect them with everything I have. Even if it means defying the Goddess herself."

Kitt: "…I suppose you don't know or remember, do you? Yet here you are, following in her example, just as I am doing now."

TWISTD Members:

vs Solon

(Remire Village)

Kitt: "I should have known it was you. You're the one who started all this. First my village, and now…Remire."

Solon: "So now you know who I am, Ghost of Annwen. But if you think I'm but simple prey for you to hunt down, you are gravely mistaken!"

(Sealed Forest)

Solon: "Take not one step closer, Demon of Annwen! Lest your weakness for these beasts prove your undoing!"

Kitt: "What's the matter, Tomas? I thought you always dreamed of finding out how the story ends."

vs Kronya

Kronya: "You don't scare me. You're nothing but a stupid ghost story! I'll send you back to the filthy grave you crawled up from, you little freak!"

Kitt: "So you've heard of me from your darling bedtime stories. I guess I won't have to explain what happens to you next."

vs Cornelia

Cornelia: "Well now. This really won't do. I'll have to put an end to you quickly."

Kitt: "And I'll be sure to end you slowly."

vs Thales

Thales: "You insatiable wretch! That you would choose to menace me now, here, of all places!"

Kitt: "Don't look so shocked. I did promise I'd be back for the rest of you, didn't I?"

#fe3h oc #fe3h #edelgard #seteth #flayn #fire emblem three houses #fe oc week #fe-oc-week

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tsutsumi-kurose · 1 month

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perspective in picture perfect vs 112

I’m so excited about this new arc!! it’s really interesting to revisit similar themes that were explored in the picture perfect arc now that so much more has happened.

I think the biggest difference I’ve noticed is that in 112 nene objects to an altered reality because of the importance of her past:

whereas in picture perfect, nene’s objections to an altered reality are expressed mostly in terms of what she wants for her future:

she talks about wanting a real life, but she’s still talking in hypotheticals and hopes. of course, as the picture perfect arc shows, hope is a beautiful and important thing!! it’s what drives us to live our lives!!

but… is it life itself? what relationship do these aspirations have to a real life? are these things really what nene means when she says she wants a real life?

what does a real life look like?

I think 112 begins to answer that very beautifully by having nene consider what this means by looking to her real, lived past rather than a hypothetical future

a real life is the life nene poured hard work and endless love into. a real life is not just dreaming but doing. it’s having things happen to her and reacting to those things. the people who came into her life and how she put love and effort into keeping them there, and it’s the love and effort they put into staying with her!! look at all of her adventures, at all she’s faced and overcome to be where she is now!!

I love seeing nene asking what to do, especially as she’s looking at how much she’s already done. it’s such a beautiful turn in her perspective!! she’s come so far from the post-picture perfect nene who kept insisting they could deal with her lifespan later. we’ve come a long way from far shore bound nene, who was trying to accept her death by accepting a future in the far shore. maybe not the future she wanted, but a future she could try to accept.

her perspective in these past arcs was almost entirely future-oriented.

I really love that now, while she’s starting to think about what to do, she can reflect on all she’s already done and gone through!! I love that she loves her past!!

it’s been hard, but it’s been hers. and she wants whatever comes next. she wants to make it and grow it herself!! no matter what the result is.

it’s so beautiful seeing nene looking back and cherishing her life… and makes me wonder if this is maybe a tonal turning point. to see nene pausing and looking back instead of charging forward. directing her optimism and idealism and endless love backward and realizing how beautiful and important everything has already been, despite the hardships.

I love that she still wants to put work in, and I believe she’s going to be putting in so much work and so much love to the end of her story, because that’s who she is!!

but her saying she wants her dying, rotted plant back… saying it’s important to her, even if it will never flower… makes me wonder if she’s gearing up to accept an end to her life, knowing that it was a real one that mattered, and one that she gave her best to

or!! maybe nene looking to the past with love doesn’t necessarily mean an acceptance of her death, but rather that her plans for her future going forward will have a more solid foundation than her plans that were solely based on hope (and, lbr, denial)!! maybe she’s looking to the past to clear out that denial so she can have a more reliable plan.

either way, the beginning of chapter 112 is such a beautiful character moment for nene. I think her looking toward the past is an important distinction between 112 nene and picture perfect nene. it shows how she’s grown so far throughout the story, and I can’t way to see what she does with the reflections she’s made <3

#tbhk spoilers #tbhk 112 #yashiro nene

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a-legacy-not-to-be-forgotten · 2 months

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Some Assorted SequenceShift Fun Facts

I don't have art of this AU just yet and I don't have a specific topic I wanna focus on, so I decided to list some random facts in the AU. Some a bit more important than others.

There is no Barrier in this AU. Rather, instead the Monster Kingdom is a very strictly isolationistic underground country that humans are generally aware of, but absolutely not allowed in. This is due to humans in SequenceShift being a bit weaker and their war with the Monsters being considerably bloodier (well, dustier for the Monsters) on both sides. The current situation is the result of a very rough stalemate following a human occupation of the Underground, though things have died down a tad bit in more modern times.

The order of humans that fell into the Underground is Integrity -> Kindness -> Bravery -> Perseverance -> Patience -> Determination -> Justice

Clover in SequenceShift uses He/They pronouns.

Starlo and Martlet are both trans (Starlo is a Transman and Martlet is a Transwoman).

The current canonical pairings are Starlo x Dalv, Ceroba x Dina, and Moray x Martlet. I'm not against different pairings, though, as long as they aren't overly problematic. Also yeah, Ceroba and Chujin are divorced.

Kanako's 'Flowey' equivalent has been retooled quite a bit. Instead of being a flower again, Kanako is instead a pale fox-like amalgam known as Kit, who can transform into objects at will (referencing shapeshifting kitsune in Japanese folklore).

The Wild East was ravaged by the an unknown gunman sometime in the past. Almost half the town's population was killed and stirred up a lot of anti-human sentiment in the Underground. Currently, the Wild East is mainly a Ghost Town that only really acts as Ranger HQ.

Dina is well known as something of a folk hero along Frostpeak. She's greeted fondly by most of the residents, passes out candy to the kids, and is pretty good friends with Sans and Papyrus.

People say that the Honor Guard and Royal Rangers have a rivalry, but it's an Urban Legend. They generally get along pretty well with one another and the biggest point of conflict is Undyne and Starlo arguing over Anime vs. Westerns. It happens quite a bit.

Axis has both an EX and a NEO form. His EX-form was designed to better protect himself if he ever gets damaged enough. The NEO form basically turns him into a giant war mech, and designed at a time where the Kingdom was considering building robots to fill in the ranks of soldiers. Ceroba was VERY hesitant to approve of this upgrade for Axis and insisted it only be used in the worst case scenarios.

And that's what I got so far. Really loving how this AU is turning out so far.

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ghostofskywalker · 1 year

Text

Return the Favor

Din Djarin/Reader

Words: 2,743

Summary: You didn't quite understand why the Mandalorian had saved your hide, he could have very clearly sat by and watched as you picked a fight with someone you could never beat. But the truth finally comes out when you realize he wants your help.

Flower and Meaning: cactus flower || protection from danger and threats

Note: this is my march work for the @yearofcreation2023! It is a continuation of this fic, where din and the reader are rival bounty hunters. it also operates on the assumption that the razor crest was never destroyed because i miss that ship :(

Year of Flowers Masterlist • Din Djarin Masterlist

You should have really thought twice before jumping into combat with a Gamorrean, but you supposed you didn’t really have much choice if you wanted to get paid. You wouldn’t consider yourself an object retrieval specialist, but times were tough right now and the job paid well, you just didn’t expect the amount of resistance and competition you would encounter.

You were used to being handed a tracking fob with a person to track down, but this job was different. Instead, you were chasing down some priceless heirloom that had apparently been lost in the early years of the Empire, and you were dealing with a whole new group of people. Bounty hunters always ran in circles, so it made sense that the people that were out looking for the same thing you were ran with a different crowd than the one you were used to seeing.

The lightsaber you had acquired on a previous mission (you had found it buried underground, and it would have been idiotic not to take it) was currently strapped to your belt, and you hadn’t gotten it out quick enough this time. Now it was up to your skills in hand-to-hand combat to get you out of this situation, and it wasn’t looking good from where you were standing right now.

Or (in slightly more accurate terms) it wasn’t looking good from where you were pinned against the wall right now. You kicked outwards and attempted to reach over to where your blaster had been knocked onto a nearby table, but so far nothing was working. The patrons and workers of this cantina had long since left after the fight broke out between you two, so you were all alone. It was a both blessing and a curse, if you were being honest. On one hand, there was no one to help you (not that people ever helped others this far out in the galaxy), but on the other hand, no one would be around to witness it if you died an embarrassing death.

The burly creature you were fighting squealed something in his native language (which to you sounded a lot like “I’ve got you now!”), but you were not going to go down without a fight. You pulled your legs up as far as you could, and used whatever remaining strength you had to kick outward. Caught off balance, the Gamorrean stumbled backward, allowing you to break free from its grip. But right as your feet landed back on the ground, the sound of blaster fire filled the room, and suddenly your adversary was no longer anything but a lump on the ground, blood leaking out on the floor of the cantina and mixing with the dirt that already laid there.

Not sure who you would turn around and be greeted with, you drew the lightsaber from your belt, and you were shocked to see the Mandalorian standing at the doorway, blaster raised but not completely in a defensive stance. “Apparently I can’t go anywhere without you pulling that thing on me,” he said. “You want to put it away so we can talk?”

“Why would I listen to you?” you asked, slightly more forceful than you intended. “Last time we crossed paths it wasn’t the most friendly of encounters, if you catch my drift.”

“Why would I have killed that Gamorrean then?” he asked, and even though you couldn’t see his face, you would be willing to bet he was rolling his eyes as he spoke. “Why not just sit and watch you lose a fight you could never win?”

“So you could kill me yourself, that’s why.” So much had happened in the last few days that you wouldn’t have been surprised if he was on the same assignment you were, and you were ready to fight him for the prize (and the paycheck) if that was what it took.

Your words seemed to stop the Mandalorian in his tracks. “Do you really think so little of me?” he asked, and you couldn’t help but recognize your own words leaving his mouth, after he had threatened you because he (falsely) believed you were after his child, the little green thing that you hadn’t seen in some time.

“Then what do you really want?” you asked tentatively. “Because it seems like we’re once again in a standstill, and if this is all a big misunderstanding, I’d quite like to just continue on my way.”

“I need your help.” Out of all the things you expected to come out of the beskar-clad man in front of you, this was not one of them. He was well known among bounty hunters (both Guild and freelancers) for the fact that he worked alone, and he had crossed paths with you enough times to know that you operated with a similar policy.

Your answer was short and to the point, accompanied by a quiet scoff. “No.”

You had turned around to try and find another exit when he said your name, and it sounded so strange coming from him. You knew that he knew it of course, as you had not been smart enough to choose an alias when you got into this business, but he had never ever used it in all the times you had interacted.

You turned back around, staring at him with your eyebrows raised. “Why the sudden change of heart? You know I’m not quick to trust, and I’m especially wary of someone that has tried to roast me alive in the past.”

“I can’t explain it here,” he said. “I understand if you don’t trust me, but I wouldn’t try to trick you. I’ve always been clear about what I want, and I believe that you have been as well. I need someone with your skill set.”

You paused, weighing the options before you responded. He was right, never once had you thought he lied to you, the two of you simply always knocked heads. You often took the same jobs, leading to a level of competition that you couldn’t help but find thrilling every once in a while, if you were being completely honest. And eventually, you came to a decision. “You saved my life with the Gamorrean, so I’ll help you in return. But I need to drop something off first, and I expect to share the profits of whatever job we’re pulling after it’s complete. Completely equal split, no tricks.”

“Fine,” he said with a nod, and the two of you stepped out of the cantina, walking down the dusty streets of Mos Espa. “Is it that treasure you’re dropping off?”

You stopped in your tracks. “How do you know about that? And what makes you think I even have it?”

“First of all, I was offered the job but didn’t take it,” he said. “Seemed like too much trouble for me. And second of all, why else would that Gamorrean have been so dead set on battling you?”

“What, you didn’t think it was just a date gone wrong?”

He laughed, a sound that you didn’t think you had heard before but immediately decided that you really wanted to hear again. “I didn’t know you went for that.”

“I don’t, but you don’t know anything about me other than the jobs I take and the weapons I wield Mando.”

“I suppose that’s a fair point.”

***

You were currently walking through the throng of people at a crowded gala, on the lookout for a man who would apparently be carrying information for you. Once you acquired the data chip your part of this whole mess would be over, and you would be able to go back to living on your own.

You understood why he couldn’t complete this section of the job himself, as the gala was crawling with unsavory characters in fancy outfits and he would have stuck out like a sore thumb with his shiny beskar armor and helmet he never removed. It would have defeated the entire purpose of you attending in the first place (he was very clear about the fact that his contact had requested complete discretion), and you were able to slip into places without being seen easier than he could. He was just lucky that you had a killer outfit tucked away in your ship for jobs like these, and that you also had a talent for getting along with people whose lifestyles you utterly despised.

There was a man sitting in the back of the room with a shifty expression on his face, glancing from exit to exit as he sipped a drink, and you realized that you had more than likely found the man you were supposed to acquiring the data chip from. Setting your face straight, you walked over to the table and took a seat, leaving one seat in between you two. “Are they serving Corellian whiskey here? I might cry if they don’t have any.”

Your prompt (to discreetly let your contact know your purpose in speaking to him) was to ask about any Corellian liquor, something that hadn’t been a staple at these types of events since before the Clone War and was largely obsolete at this point. Maintaining an air of sophistication (as if you were actually interested in the answer to your question), you turned and looked at the man.

“I didn’t see it on the list,” was the response. “But I suppose there’s no harm in telling such a lovely looking visitor that I have some in my ship.”

This was it, the response you were supposed to be looking for. Smiling, you gestured towards the closest exit. “Why don’t you lead the way then?”

However, when you stepped out into the cool night air, it was clear that this job was not going to be completely as smoothly as you expected. The moment you both were out of sight, the man drew a blaster. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” His voice was sharp and cold, a far cry from the way he had spoken inside when there were other people around to hear.

You suppressed a groan, knowing you didn’t have the time or the patience for this kind of osik.

Your hand immediately reached down for where you always kept your lightsaber, but swore silently when you realized you didn’t have it (they had screened you before you entered the gala, so you had to go in without any weapons or communication devices). So instead of being able to deal with this slimebag easily, you now had to play along for a little while.

Raising your hands up, you stared in his direction. “I’m here for the data, that you agreed to give.”

“I didn’t send for you.”

“And I didn’t ask to do this job, but sometimes things don’t work out the way we want in life.”

“I’m not going to give you anything.”

You rolled your eyes, you had heard that before. You really didn’t want to draw this out any longer than it already had been, so you just swung at him. You quickly learned that he had little to no experience with any kind of combat, because you were able to easily knock the blaster out of his hands.

He pushed back as you stepped just out of his reach, but you weren’t quick enough to avoid the way he tripped you. If it was any consolation though, you weren’t going to go down without taking him with you, and soon the two of you were both on the dirty ground.

The blaster you had taken from your assailant actually turned out to be useful, and once you had pulled yourself up from the ground you did the same to him, shoving his body against the wall and pointing the gun at him to make sure he didn’t try anything. It turned out that the weapon had been set to “stun” the entire time, and you just smiled as you came to the realization. Within seconds, your assailant (contact? Random guy? you really had no idea who he was) had crumpled to the ground as the stun bolt did its job, and you rifled through his pockets to find the data stick you needed.

By the time you made it back to the Mandalorian’s ship, he wasn’t happy. “What took you so long?” he asked as you handed over the information. “And why are you covered in mud?”

“Had a few unforeseen complications once I said the password,” you said. “Turns out this man was expecting you, and he tried to pick a fight. You owe me for a new outfit if I can’t get this one clean.”

He just nodded, and you stepped inside the ship, making a beeline for the small cot tucked away inside of it. Stripping off your jacket, you didn’t even bother to change out of your dirty clothes before you collapsed and fell asleep.

***

You awoke to the sound of small giggles in the room, and you opened your eyes to see a tiny green child on the cot with you, smiling as it tapped your arm with its tiny hand. You smiled as you remembered it, because you had run into the Mandalorian a few times and always thought that child was adorable. The Mandalorian entered the room right as you sat up, and he gently lifted the kid away from you. “I’m sorry about him,” he said.

You yawned, still letting your eyes get used to the brightness of the area. “Don’t worry about it. Not the weirdest thing I’ve woken up to see next to me.”

He laughed, causing the child in his arms to giggle once more, and you were struck with how different this version of him seemed, compared to the version that you usually met, that tried to set you on fire and went toe to toe with you in saber combat. Just as he knew little about you, it was the same thing when the roles were reversed. You should have haggled for a higher cut of the pay, you reasoned, because it seemed like you were the one doing all the work here, but at the same time you didn’t want to risk the more genial relationship you had started to build with him (and you also knew he had a kid to take care of).

As he returned the data to his employers and collected the payment, you spent time with the child. You couldn’t help the way you had immediately fallen in love with the little creature, and he seemed to like you as well. You had on several occasions considering trying to steal him after you and the Mandalorian parted ways, but you also knew how protective he was over this thing, and honestly you didn’t think you wanted to risk it.

And eventually your time on his ship was over, as he stepped into the room and handed you a canvas bag. One look inside told you that he had made good on his promise and split the profits equally between you, and now you would be back to doing things on your own. You thanked him sincerely and made your way off the ramp, but he spoke right as you were about to step back onto the ground of Tatooine. “Come with me.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Honestly I’m not sure I did, because it sounded like you want to work together.”

The helmet covering his face made things a lot harder to decipher, and he paused before speaking again. “Come on. We both have realized that there are things we can’t do by ourselves, and it’s only going to continue. And besides, the kid likes you.”

You considered his offer. With the way that he saved you from the Gamorrean and you were able to complete the objective where he would have been discovered in less than two minutes, you couldn’t deny that your skills often complemented each other. So, in a moment of (unusual) trust, you nodded. “Let me pack a few things up, and you’ve got yourself a co-pilot.”

The Mandalorian just nodded, but the child in his arms smiled and cooed at you. This was certainly going to be an interesting thing to adjust to, but you had hope that things would turn out okay.

And if they didn’t, you had a lightsaber to help you out of tough situations.

- the end -

i no longer have a taglist! if you're interested in being notified when i post, you can follow my library blog @ghostofskywalker-library and turn on notifications!

#year of themed creation #din djarin #din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #din djarin fanfiction #star wars x reader #din djarin x gender neutral reader

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blueepink07 · 8 months

Note

Hello!! I'm always amazed by the sybolism and connections you find -- I was wondering about your thoughts on your favorite/most interesting of the birthday cake art!

THANK YOU, I'm really glad that you like these analyses!!

I know that I have been posting a lot of Muu lately, but her birthday art is my favourite! It's simple and elegant and looks different from the other cakes, which makes it more interesting!

Before starting, I will separate this in sections so it can be easier to read!

1. Cake

2. Accesories and dress

3. Flowers

(mentions of murder, suicide and death)

Cake

Muu's cake is called Galette des Rois, a dessert originated from France and rich in traditions!

"This dish is eaten to celebrate Epiphany which is the day that the newborn baby Jesus was believed to have been visited by the three kings or Wise Men or Magi."

"Inside the cake, a fève or a miniscule trinket is usually hidden. Fève translates into ‘fava bean’ which was originally believed to be hidden in these cakes. Nowadays, a porcelain or plastic figurine representing baby Jesus is often put inside the Galette des Rois instead, a shift believed to have occurred towards the end of the 19th century. The person who gets the slice containing the fève gets a crown as well as the right to be treated as king or queen and choose their queen or king for the entire day."

Based on this description, we can see the similarities between this cake and Muu's Queen bee portrayal in the second MV. Her being shown doing what she pleases, finding comfort in her friend group.

However, before proceeding, it's necesseraly to give a brief history of this tradition and how it evolved over time...

"We traced this tradition of picking up kings back to Antiquity. In those ancient times, during the festivities consecrated to Saturn. Romans used to pick up king between their slaves. During one day this slave would have the luck to live like a master. Luck? Well.. after the day, in the best case he was returning to a state of slave, or he was just put to death. The roles were inverted to thwart the evil days of Saturn."

Awfully familiar, isn't it? The galette des rois it's a good representation of the dynamic in Muu's friend group. Because of how easily she was betrayed, it makes me think that the group was already formed or they knew eachother for a while. Despite that the old tradition tells that a poor person was chosen to be the king, which seems contradicting, because of Muu's financial state, if she were in the vulnerabile position of being new and not having friends, than she could be considered "poor" in terms of relationships. The friend group integrated Muu and started admiring her for the expensive things she had and for her beauty. For a short while, Muu felt like a queen, because of the attention she got at the expense of giving items to her friends. (In an older post I explained that Muu has the love language of giving objects to the persons she cares about!) Based of the phone messages, we find out that she has given an expensive lipstick to one of her friends, followed by Sayu who is expressing her wishes to try it too.

However, once Rei damaged Muu's reputation, the admiration and the "care" these girls expressed meant nothing in the end, followed by Muu's almost killing herself to be freed from the pain.

Basically, if we take in consideration the Galette des Rois tradition, Muu has been given the slice with the fève. She got the crown and have been treated like a queen for a short period of time by her friend group. Once the day was over (when Rei damaged her reputation), this privilege has been taken away from her. She had become nothing but a slave for these girls to make fun of, followed by Muu almost dying to escape from the pain. The same thing that happened to the people who were chosen as kings for a day in the past: being killed.

Gallete des Rois is usually eaten during Epiphany, a celebration that commemorates the visit of the Three Kings or the Three Magis to see the baby Jesus after he was born.

What I want to point out are the gifts that there were given to celebrate his birth, which are foreshadowing his life story.

1. "The gold represents Jesus’ kingship.

2. The frankincense represents Jesus’ deity.

3. Commonly used to embalm bodies, the gift of myrrh foreshadows Jesus’ death."

For Muu:

1. Muu being trated like a queen for a short period of time

2. Muu's great financial status

3. Muu being betrayed by her closest friends and almost dying because of them

Quite similar and interesting at the same time! The fact that the birthday art was foreshadowing Muu's second MV...

Accesories and dress

-> Earrings

Not a lot of symbolism, but more me describing what they represent!

The earrings look a lot like the hourglass from her MVs!

She also has a teardrop coloured in green (the colour of the honey in her MV) representing her pain and sorrow during that period of time, and how with every passing moment she felt more and more suffocated in this horrible "friend" group. For this birthday art however, Muu is crying out of joy, so let's hope that the honey teardrop represents more her happiness during her birthday!

-> Dress

This was written in my latest post...! I didn't change much, since my thoughts about it are the same!

Muu's dress looks similar with Belle's dress from the "Beauty and the beast."

I think it's interesting how the story (not the Disney version) is originated from France. No matter what version you take, Belle saved the beast by reciprocating his feelings and seeing past his appearance, Belle's presence awakening his good inner self.

Somehow, I think it fits with Muu's and Haruka's relationship, in a way. Haruka thinks of Muu as his benefactor, the one who helped him become more confident and cheerful. Although Haruka considers himself as being "useless", Muu saw past this, and found a friend that she can rely on in a weird place like Milgram. She takes care of him bringing him food, prasing him and giving attention, basically, showing kindness.

"Haruka: Muu-san praises me. The useless me… She praises me, acknowledges me, looks at me, and she needs me. My current self only exists thanks to Muu-san."

Her presence and her kindness is one of the factors that contributed in making Haruka feel more confident, changing him. Haruka and the beast are both characters who weren't used to being treated with compassion... And so, the appearance of Muu, respectively, Belle ultimately saved them, based on their perspective and situation.

Also, "Belle" means beautiful in French and Muu is canonically described as gorgeous!

Flowers

The flowers have been found by @oehale on twitter!

->Rosa Rugosa

"Rosa rugosa is a strong symbol of Love and adoration.

Rosa rugosa is associated with the Greek goddess of beauty and love in ancient mythology, Aphrodite. Goddess Aphrodite is often portrayed as having a rose crown on her head."

This flower can represent the friend group's feelings of adoration and awe towards Muu, before the incident that changed their perspective on her.

In the second MV, Muu is in the center of attention, every eye is on her and every worker bee is waiting for her comand. Adoration and loyalty is depicted as the honey which is given to her by the others. This substance is sweet, alluring, like love, a sentiment which can become addicting, until you can't live without it. The fact that the honey is more green than yellow, can symbolise the superficiality of the "love" and "adoration" that the friend group has given to Muu. The second MV illustrates how Muu escaped from this intoxicating addiction of eating this honey (towards the end she is eating less and less, until she literally escapes from the honey, without consuming it), flying away from the hourglass, the place where she once felt safe and happy, which now is just an empty, broken space.

Rosa rugosa, in the language of flowers, means sad and beautiful. Sorrow and pain are sentiments that Muu felt during the time she was bullied. Sadness was a daily thing at one point, the girl wishing that tomorrow will not come, so she would not experince it again. Beauty it's one of the aspects that made her to be so adored by her peers, and also one of the factors that, due to jealousy, made her a target of bullying.

Moreover, the presence of the teardrops on her earrings, and the way she is drawn, as a queen, elegant and pretty, further illustrates this symbolism.

-> Penstemon

"These flowers are also known by the name beardtongue. This one is supposed to mean gentle courage or risks of the heart."

Penstemon is a representation of Muu's sorrow and pain and how she escaped from it. Being pushed to the point were she felt trapped in an awful situation, where she couldn't ask for help, her pleads being ignored, she managed to escape my eliminating the source of her problems. A risk of heart done in a moment of disperation, in which, once again, her feelings were not listened or taken into consideration, which ended up with Rei's death.

Courage for finding a solution to her problems, in a place where she only had herself as a friend, and avoiding, in the end, to succumb to those inner feelings which were pushing her to wish of her own dissapearence.

"Penstemon provides great strength, courage, and perseverance during challenging life circumstances. If you are feeling sorry for yourself, you may benefit from taking this flower essence. Those who have been through unusually hard circumstances may feel more ease and grace after taking Penstemon. Those circumstances could include the loss of something special, which causes a soul to lose faith and feel pity or intense despair. Penstemon brings about more courageous energy for that soul, rebuilding it with feelings of trust and hope."

After murdering Rei, she finally felt relief, hoping that things will turn to better and be as it was before. She is feeling sorry for herself and what she has experienced, in the first VD, being unsure of her actions that lead her to this point...

"It looks like each flower is sticking a bearded tongue out of its mouth, which is why we also call them “beardtongues.”

This distinctive aspect of this flower can symbolise Muu's pleads and cries which ended up being ignored by her peers and adults... She tried to alert people of her pain, but it seems like, no one has cared enough to help her to escape from this circumstance...

Thank you for reading! ~ 🎂

#thank you for the ask!#I was excited to write this!!#I'm sorry it took so long to finish it!#fun fact: I only knew about her birthday cake because I had a lesson about it a few years ago #milgram #muu kusunoki #milgram muu #milgram theory #thoughts #tw murder #tw suicide

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m1d-45 · 1 year

Note

Welp, woe is me but i think i have had enough time to somehow organi- organize? Organice? Organise? Fuck it, CREATE ORDER in my letter.

To Diluc Ragvindr.

Though things are tough, families torn through tragedy, kept torn by mistakes made in rage and grief, it is important to remember that with time and effort you can stitch up the wounds, and one day make your scars fade.

Mondstadt may be a city of freedom, where no ties can truly ever hold you down, but everyone has their own place to return to, to rest from your long journey. Whether it be at a temple, your own room, a complete city or a friend.

My wish is for you to remember that. The fact that you have a place to return to, and even when the end has come, there are people here to welcome you. Death is not the end, but the next great adventure!

*from the letter, falls a single Gladiolus*

-🥘Stew

diluc paced through the grape fields of the winery, occasionally stopping to inspect a handful to check for any lackluster bushes or signs of a weed or bug infestation. the staff usually did a good job at keeping the vineyards clear of both, but he felt better checking them himself. it was getting dark, but he was almost done, and a carefully controlled flame in one of his hands was enough to light his way.

he stopped at one bushel of smaller than usual grapes, checking over them and their vine. he extinguished the fire in his hand so he could better check through for any colonies, only to pause.

the light hadn’t vanished.

he looked up, briefly wondering if it was adelinde or elzer coming to chastise him for being out so late, but the light wasn’t from a lantern. instead, a star-like object was floating above the wooden support for the vines.

diluc stared. the star did not move. after a moment, he reached for it, and it seemed to pop, vanishing into a puff of golden flakes. he blinked, adjusting to the light shift, and saw that a folded sheet of paper had dropped onto the grapevines.

…huh.

inside of the paper was a pointed array of flowers, their color lost in the dim light of dusk, but he simply brushed it aside, focusing on the words written on the page.

in truth, he should have known what was going on. you were the only one god that communicated through the stars, and you were one of the only ones who knew what had truly happened between him and kaeya.

and you… were the only one that could tell him he had a chance at mending what was torn and have him believe you in the slightest.

you wouldn’t lie, not about something so important, but… to promise him, him with the blood on his hands and darkness in his heart, that he could close a wound that had been opened for years… you wouldn’t blame him for being in disbelief, would you? your light encompassed all, your grace touched every corner of the earth, but surely this… could this truly be within grasp?

after a moments thought, diluc folded your letter again, picking up the flower you had sent him.

maybe, in the morning, with the light of dawn at his shoulders and a head not muddled with the stress of the day, he’d have a harder time believing you. maybe he’d be a bit more rational, and think about the time required to start such an endeavor, think about whether it we something kaeya wanted at all.

but as the last of the sun dripped below the horizon, he retired to the manor with the idea of a bond born anew in his mind.

#[ meteor showers ]#stew🥘 anon #genshin #genshin impact #genshin sagau #sagau #self aware genshin #genshin self aware au #sagau diluc #diluc #sagau x reader #genshin x reader #diluc x reader #sagau headcanons #diluc headcanons #genshin headcanons #sagau fluff #genshin fluff #diluc fluff #fluff #HELP THESE KEEP GETTING LONGER #THIS ONE IS NEARLY 500 WORDS BUT THE FIRST WAS LIKe 275 #HOW HAVE THEY DOUBLED IN LENGTH #it’s because i keep wanting to ‘set the stage’ and make it read a bit more coherently #and i don’t know how to just jump into Letter Time and sometimes have a hard time starting to write at all so i default to a more candid #moment. like walking through the vineyards. but ITS MAKING THESE SO LONG #i don’t wanna flood w long posts w/o readmores but i don’t trust readmores rn and it would ruin the format for these i’ve got going (none #at all) and- AH #this is what genshin impact does to a man 😔

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mosscreektarot · 2 years

Text

PAC: Your Toxic Traits & How You Can Grow

Pick whichever deck or object you feel drawn to. Please keep in mind this is a general reading! Take what resonates and leave the rest.

Group 1: River Stone

9 of Wands, Queen of Wands Reversed, 8 of Swords Reversed, 9 of Swords, 6 of Pentacles Reversed, 5 of Wands, 5 of Swords

You feel like everyone secretly despises you. You always have one ear and one eye open, waiting for treachery to fall upon your doorstep. You don’t trust anyone, not even yourself. You find faults in your goals and tend to distract yourself from what you really want because you don’t think you have the ability to follow through. You’ve set yourself up for failure with “what if” constantly in the background of your mind. Instead of believing you can have success, you believe success is “sour grapes”; you don’t think you can get what you want so you find every possible negative aspect of your desires and focus on those as reasons why you shouldn’t begin to try.

You have a tendency to feel guilty over small things. You replay minor incidents like normal conversations and wonder if you accidentally said the wrong thing or overstepped. You’re so worried about people liking you that you are generous to a fault. You do so much for others and are constantly walking on eggshells in order to be liked. Unfortunately this makes you seem flaky and directionless to those who work closely with you. You may pick up too many tasks and try to seem helpful but it undermines the value of your work, since you don’t prioritize important focus-based tasks over multi-tasking.

Your advice card is the 5 of Swords. You need to make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like or value you. In fact, you’ll be much better off once you realize your value is not determined by other people’s opinions. A lot of what is currently “wrong” or toxic in your life is because you can’t focus on your own needs/desires because you’re spread thin emotionally. You’re human. You can’t please everyone, but you sure as hell can learn to please yourself!

Group 2: Feather

4 of Cups, The Wheel of Fortune Reversed, 6 of Cups, Son of Pentacles, 5 of Pentacles Reversed, The World, 9 of Swords Reversed

You’re not happy with what you have. You always are on the lookout for the next best thing and never seem to be comfortable no matter what you gain or buy. There’s a need for you to always have more or be more or want more. You can’t fulfill your desires because it’s like a big black hole is inside of you, consuming everything. You feel the call of the void and often wish your life never happened. You don’t see things as blessings; it’s either a curse or blase boring life. You don’t look forward to the future and you live in a world of nostalgia. It’s hard for you to accept that there’s a path for you or that you can have a good life. You believe you don’t deserve happiness and are extremely stubborn about it. Instead of seeing the beauty of a flower, you mourn the fact that someday it will wilt and die. You can’t accept the normalcy of the cycle of life nor do you want to believe you have value or light. While you’re good at acting as though everything is okay, you struggle with an inner sadness that you refuse to acknowledge or heal. It’s very important that you find beauty in life and acknowledge the good. You could start by making a gratitude journal or by letting yourself “off the hook”. By this I mean allowing yourself to enjoy things–buy that fancy coffee, slather yourself with nice smelling lotion, forgive yourself when you screw up (we all do!).

Your advice card is the 9 of Swords Reversed. This is a deeply rooted mindset that has gripped you since time immemorial. It’s time to explore the reasons why this paints your outlook on life and possibly seek outside help from a trusted person or medical professional. The first step in healing is to acknowledge this is an unhealthy outlook on life and you can do things to heal–healing is possible. You deserve to be happy, and it’s okay to want good things for yourself.

Group 3: Coral

Eight of Cups, King of Swords Reversed, The Empress Reversed, The High Priestess, 4 of Wands, The Tower, The Chariot Reversed

Easily upset or angered, you often leave arguments before the other person has a chance to explain themselves. You may think you’re “telling it like it is”, but often your words can be unnecessarily cruel or harsh and you have the tendency to overreact when it feels like someone may be critical of your views or behavior. You may be hyper-sexual or feel used by partners who don’t value you; this is a repeating pattern that further devalues your self image when you regret partners/face rejection. You hate feeling rejected and will do almost anything to keep someone around, even if they are toxic or treat you with disrespect/contempt. You have a strong urge to connect to the Divine Feminine, and yes fertility/sex/sensitivity is part of Feminine energy but only when you have boundaries and enforce those boundaries is it healthy! You may think you’re the kind of person who needs a relationship or constant social connection to thrive and you spend a lot of time on your phone or around friends/with a partner.

You don’t have a foundation for your Self. This is your Tower. You fall to pieces if you need to be self reliant and see yourself as an individual. Part of this is your anger, which may strike like lightning; swift and uncontrollable. You are most angry at yourself and cannot tolerate mistakes. It has destroyed something for you quite recently or is very close to happening. You can never stay to help pick up the pieces of what has been destroyed, you can only leave it behind. Fixing what is broken doesn’t ever occur to you and you often blame the other party instead of thinking how you may have contributed to the issue/s. This can be normal, but it is something you need to deeply consider when there are fights or arguments. Try not to narrate things from your perspective and to see things more objectively (easier said than done, I know.)

Your advice card is The Chariot, Reversed. You need to reign yourself in. If you feel yourself getting worked up or upset or even have an inkling that your behavior may be harmful to yourself or others it is okay to step away BEFORE you get to the point of explosion. It is absolutely okay for you to take a minute, an hour, a day to respond to a situation, call, comment, or even walk away from an unhealthy relationship altogether once you take the time to calm down and think about it from a logical and not emotional perspective. Keeping a consistent meditative practice where you focus on your breath can assist with your ability to remain calm enough to know you need time to think about a situation before you react.

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eyesofshan-if · 1 year

Note

H...h....hanahaki disease...

I know it's like, a 2012s thing but how do you think each of the Ros will react to having/ commander having the hanahaki disease?

All the best for your exams lmao rip

oh damn the amount of hanahaki aus i consumed when i was younger... angst never goes out of style, nonny!! the variation of hanahaki i'm most familiar with is the one in which it happens when the afflicted has not had their feelings reciprocated, regardless of how the object of their affection truly feels, and the surgery to remove the flowers will remove the feelings as well!!

hansol: immensely worried and frantic, puts all his work on hold to try and find a cure. gently tries to advise you to get the surgery done, or to confess your love to the person, gets increasingly stressed when he sees you getting more and more ill with each passing day. "please don't do this to yourself," he mutters softly as he wipes the cold swear from your brow, "i don't know who it is that you're in love with, but i do know how many people love and care about you."

insu: tells you to get the surgery. is terribly angry and upset with you for throwing your life away for feelings, but at the same time won't admit to himself just why his frustration and concern extends so deep. "you can always fall in love again after the surgery," he argues, so angry you think it's the first time you've seen colour in his cheeks. "it's not the end of the world if the feelings are gone. it is going to be the end if you do die!"

yongsun: very stressed. like insu, researches every cure in existence, and speaks to you gently about your illness. convinces you, with all manner of reason and persuasion, to either confess or have the feelings removed. "i understand the magnitude of your love for them," he says quietly, "but if you would allow me to make a selfish request... i need you by my side as well, commander."

wooyoung: "love me instead," he says. "there would be no chance of the disease then. if you had even the slightest bit of affection for me, i would return it a hundredfold." regardless of what he might say, wooyoung remains firmly by your side like a tree planted by a river. charming people is one of his greatest strengths, and he might just be able to make you fall in love with him - if only to save your life, of course.

dalhwa: just like insu, she's terribly angry with you for the first initial days, but instead of staying furious with you, she swings between all methods of persuasion at her disposal, including but not limited to manipulation, threats, etc. defeated at the end of it all, she simply asks you quietly: "is it that important for you, to love them?" and if you tell her yes, she pursues it no more.

????: "no," they say at once. "you will not die, i will make sure of it. either they love you on the pain of death, or i tear those cursed flowers from your lungs myself."

#asks #o: wooyoung's letters

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rhaenella · 1 year

Text

You & Me - Rhys Montrose x Reader - Part 11

Part 10 | Part 12

Summary: What happens when reader assassin is tasked with killing the possible future mayor of London; Rhys Montrose. Politician by day, Eat the Rich Killer by night. But he isn’t the only person wearing different masks.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Violence, murder, immoral sociopathic behaviour, mentions of alcoholism, drug abuse and neglect, (eventual) smut

Word count: 5k

A/N: at the end.

Song: wicked game – Jessie Villa

The following late afternoon you were standing leaned against the wall in the corridor of the hospital ward, waiting for your sisters to leave this place. Claire had been an absolute sweetheart and had brought two bags of old clothes with her to give to Zoe and Sadie. She’d even dropped by your place to pick up some of your things as well. You all thanked her profusely, Claire waving it off saying she’d needed an excuse to clean out her closet anyway. Two nurses had come in to help your sisters with a shower and get dressed, leaving you outside for the moment to give them some space.

Claire stood leaning on the opposite wall, regarding you with a quizzical smile. “So,” she said, a curious lilt to her voice.

“So,” you repeated innocently.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be coy, tell me everything,” She was referring to last night’s phone call with Rhys.

“He agreed to let us stay with him.”

“Yes, I suspected as much. But what did he say?”

You averted your eyes, looking down the long corridor. Someone had just walked up to the nurse’s station with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, inquiring whether they had a spare vase somewhere. You returned your attention back to Claire who was impatiently waiting for you to continue as she crossed her arms in askance.

Rhys had been… How had he been? He’d been abnormally normal, considering the circumstances of your last conversation. He’d been understanding, strangely not giving you a hard time at all. Rhys had practically accepted your request of staying with him before you’d even fully posed the question. He knew damn well you’d come back eventually, waiting for you with open arms it seemed. The smug bastard.

“He agreed quickly. He uhm,” you bit your lip. “He sounded sincere.”

“That’s good, Y/N,” Claire encouraged.

“I know, I know.”

The caring tone of Rhys’ voice when he’d asked what had happened since you’d last seen each other had helped calm down the nerves you’d felt for calling him. You were still a little apprehensive, but you’d come to realise you wanted to be able to have faith in him. This would be the ultimate test for Rhys to prove that he was indeed worthy of your trust.

You had succinctly summarised the events of the past 48 hours, Rhys listening to your recounting without interrupting you once. When you’d finished, he was silent for a moment. You almost wanted to say something more but that’s when you heard him quietly speak.

“She’ll pay for what she’s done, Y/N. I assure you, she will get what she deserves.”

Rhys was referring to your mother. You hadn’t known how much you needed to hear that. It almost felt like a tiny bit of that crushing weight was lifted off of your shoulders. Maybe his first response wasn’t conventional. Normal people might start with expressing how relieved they were that your sisters were okay. Instead he’d looked past that, opting to reassure you on the object of your ire — your mother. And your need for revenge for every single thing she’s ever done to you and your sisters. It subconsciously quieted some of your doubts about Rhys, rather proving your earliest hunches on how only he might ever be able to truly understand the inner workings of your heart and soul. If you’d only let him in.

Claire snapped her fingers in your face, shaking you out of your thoughts. You looked at her in annoyance, but she just grinned.

“I asked if you’re finally gonna tell me who this lad is who you’ve been pining after.”

You huffed. “I’m not pining.”

“No, of course you’re not,” she said teasingly. You pursed your lips. Claire just laughed at you, playfully jabbing your arm. The corners of your lips quirked up, not being able to keep up the serious facade.

The opening of the door made both of you turn to see Zoe and Sadie stride out, looking a lot better than before now that they’d been able to shower and put on some fresh clothes. They still looked brittle though, and you and Claire helped them into the wheelchairs you’d retrieved earlier. The long walk to the car would definitely be too much for them right now.

You pushed Sadie’s wheelchair, Claire following behind you with Zoe. Walking past the nurse’s station, you thanked them for the good care your sisters had received.

Once you got your sisters to Claire’s car and got them settled in the backseat before quickly returning the wheelchairs, you turned to the navigation system. You entered the address from memory, unaware of Claire’s amused little smile as she drove towards the parking garage’s exit.

“Are you finally telling us where the hell we’re going?” Sadie asked from where she sat behind you. Zoe hummed, equally as curious.

You hadn’t yet told them of the specifics of where or with whom you would be staying. You were still trying to come to terms with it yourself, so having to explain how you could’ve possibly made the acquaintance of one of the most prominent and sought-after men in the city, perhaps the country, proved to be rather difficult. Not just because of the actual circumstances of how you two met, but really the entire spectacle that surrounded the famous and beloved writer and politician. They would bombard you with questions, for sure. You wanted to delay it for as long as you could, perhaps giving yourself the illusion that you’d still be able to turn around. But ultimately the time had come to come clean.

You glanced to your right, Claire eyeing you suspiciously before reverting her attention back to the busy London traffic. You sighed internally. Here goes nothing.

“Like I said before, we’ll be staying with a friend. His place’s got a lot more capacity than my own tiny flat where there’s no way we can all cramp inside.”

You’d decided to go with ‘friends’. Neither of you really knowing what else to call this thing between you. At least something that would make sense to the outside world who weren’t privy of your unorthodox, murderous relationship.

“Why aren’t we staying with Claire then?” Zoe asked. Claire smiled knowingly and you wanted to smack her across the face.

“Because I don’t want to impose on her. Besides, this way you’ll be able to get your own bedroom and you won’t have to share one with me. Trust me, the moment I’ve found you a new place and you’re both well enough to move there, we’ll leave.”

You intentionally didn’t mention anything on the safety issues you’d face staying in a place without proper security. That was for you to worry about. Rhys’ Fort Knox-esque townhouse had those safety measures you needed to make sure Lockwood’s people wouldn’t be able to get to your sisters.

“But who is this mystery man, sis? Stop dancing around it,” Zoe said impatiently.

“Believe it or not, you may have already heard of him. Lots of people talking about him recently,” you said cryptically. You took a deep stabilising breath. Just like a band-aid, Y/N…

“His name’s Rhys Montro—”

“Rhys Montrose?!” All three of them yelled in unison.

Well, at least they were politically aware.

Three pairs of wide eyes stared at you. Claire continuously shifted her gaze from you to the road to you, her mouth agape and looking more than a little chagrined that you hadn’t said anything to her.

“See, I told you,” you said, amused at their shocked expressions.

“How on earth do you know Rhys Montrose?” Sadie asked astonished.

“We met through a mutual party and I don’t know, we just hit it off, I guess,” you said, shrugging your shoulders nonchalantly.

You deliberately held back on all the details, not wanting to go into how you’d ‘hit if off’ whilst murdering someone together. You briefly pondered whether to mention it, they would think you were joking anyway. But you decided not to, opting for the mysterious approach. It would keep them guessing, which was quite amusing to watch actually.

During almost the entire ride the three women in your life subjected you to a rigorous interrogation. You answered as best you could, but mostly deflecting. When Claire pulled into Rhys’ street, they finally started to relent. However, not without a final parting quip from your sister.

“I still can’t quite believe you’re shagging the future mayor of London. Well done, Y/N,” Zoe said, shaking her head in disbelief and slight awe.

“Hey, I’m not shagging him. I told you, he’s a friend. Rhys is just helping out,” you countered defensively.

“Sure, whatever you say.”

Claire and Sadie tried their best to stifle their laughs but failed miserably when they locked eyes through the rear-view mirror. Zoe couldn’t help but join them. You gave them all a single pointed look, sighing audibly. “God, help me.”

Claire parked the car in front of the blue townhouse and when she turned off the ignition you turned around in your seat to face them with a serious expression. You carefully instructed them to behave. They promised to do so, Sadie assuring you they were just teasing. You shook your head before exiting the vehicle. Claire helped you get the bags of clothes and other essentials she’d brought out of the boot, as well as help you assist your sisters to Rhys’ front door.

There was no turning back now.

You didn’t have to ring the bell, the door opening the moment you climbed the short flight of stairs that led to the house. Rhys stood in the opening, wearing casual clothes. His eyes lingered on you for a second, a single impenetrable look passing between you. You noticed him analysing you intently, trying to figure out where you two were standing. You held your breath as you stared back at him.

Rhys blinked and diverted his attention to the rest of the party gathering on his doorstep. The slight insecure frown lifting as he slipped on a charming mask that portrayed nothing but heartfelt openness.

“Hello,” he greeted friendly, a dimpled smile making its way onto his face. “Please, do come in. Don’t want you to catch a cold or anything, you’re supposed to recuperate here.”

Rhys stepped aside and opened the door a little wider. Your sisters greeted him shyly and thanked him as they entered his home. In the meantime, you turned to Claire, giving her a hug.

“Thank you for everything.”

“Of course, sweetheart.”

You let go of each other but Claire leaned back in to kiss your cheek. You thought it was just a sweet goodbye, but she used the opportunity to whisper something in your ear. “Stop doubting. He can’t take his eyes off of you — he’s captivated.”

You didn’t move when she took a couple steps back, shooting you a soft little smile before she turned around to walk back to her car. You vaguely remembered having a similar thought when you’d first met Rhys. Claire had seen it, too? You watched her drive off, feeling a prickling sensation at the back of your head. When you turned to face Rhys, he had indeed been looking at you.

You felt electricity sizzling between you, that unexplainable connection opening up between you once more. Zoe interrupted your little moment by clearing her throat to catch your attention. Smirking, she raised a single eyebrow in mock scepticism. That little—

Rhys visibly shook himself, gritting his teeth as if he was scolding himself for his lack of self-control. He stepped up to grab the bags from you, your hands briefly touching. You both stubbornly ignored the contact.

You followed Rhys into his home and he politely explained the layout, pointing in various directions. The downstairs consisted of a cosily decorated living room with connecting doors separating it from the open-designed kitchen. A large oak bookcase lined the long wall, filled to the brim with books. The interior of the front bay window in the living room held comfortable looking cushions and a blanket with a book Rhys was likely currently reading laying on top of it. You also couldn’t help but take notice of the several works of art hanging on the walls in both the living room and the kitchen that simultaneously functioned as the dining room. The kitchen island served as a sort of bar and a round dining table stood near the backdoors that led to the lush garden at the back of the house. Overall, the three-bedroom house had an airy feel to it — spacious, yet lived-in and homelike.

“The bedrooms are upstairs. Follow me.”

He led the way, glancing back over his shoulder to make sure you were all good with supporting your sisters up the stairs. You shot him a grateful look to which he simply inclined his head.

Rhys paused when you’d made it to the second floor, allowing your sisters to take a moment to catch their breath. He pointed out which of the doors on this floor led to your bedroom and his own. Your sisters would stay in the largest guestroom on the third floor. Rhys apologised for the inconvenience but Zoe was quick to dismiss it, saying she was grateful to be here in the first place. Rhys shot her his charming smile and led the way to climb the final set of stairs.

The third floor wouldn’t pose much of an issue once they’d made it up there, since the guestroom had its own ensuite bathroom. Rhys opened the door, setting down the bags before helping you with settling your sisters on their freshly made beds. It was a spacious room, the early evening light casting a golden glow. Two queen size beds claimed most of the space but there was still room for a desk in the corner underneath one of the two large windows.

Zoe and Sadie kept expressing their gratitude to which Rhys earnestly replied with, “anything for a friend and her sisters.”

Him saying that so plain and simple had made your resistance against him start to crumble the slightest. You didn’t say anything in response though, instead you began to unpack, opening up the cabinet’s drawers on the opposite wall to the beds. Rhys left you to it then. He had apparently already prepared dinner, informing you he would finish up and bring the plates up shortly.

You tried ignoring the warmth spreading through you at the domesticity of it all when Rhys brought in a large tray filled with an extensive home cooked dinner not even fifteen minutes later. He’d essentially gone for a full Sunday roast. Rhys left you alone again to let you eat with your sisters in peace, but not before briefly locking eyes with you. The message clear — you would speak later.

After you finished dinner, you stayed with them for a little while but Zoe and Sadie’s growing exhaustion from being released from the hospital, the car ride over, Rhys and the new environment of where they would stay, made them want to go to sleep early. They’d even been too tired to continue their relentless teasing.

You understood, helping them with their nightly routines before putting them to bed. You glanced at the clock, it was only half eight. Sadie made a wry comment on how she felt ten again. You laughed softly, purposely exaggerating it when you kissed her forehead after you’d lifted the blanket over her frail body. She grinned sleepily, closing her eyes when you walked to the door. You turned off the light and bid them goodnight, getting two quiet goodnight’s in response. They were evidently already well on their way to dreamland. You smiled to yourself, closing the door behind you before making your way downstairs.

Your smile faintly lingered as you neared the kitchen where you heard Rhys rummaging around, likely cleaning up. It was time for a long overdue honest conversation.

Rhys looked up when you entered the kitchen, hair messily falling in his face when he stood up from where he was putting away a frying pan. He’d put on a maroon-coloured sweater, a kitchen towel thrown haphazardly over his left shoulder. Soothing jazz tunes were playing in the background and the soft lighting and warmly decorated interior created a pleasant and inviting atmosphere. It made you feel welcome and considerably less tense by the minute. On top of that, seeing Rhys like this, entirely comfortable and content in his own home, it made you feel things you probably shouldn’t.

Rhys’ eyes slid over your frame when you walked closer to him. You met his gaze and the pleased way with which he regarded you made you feel even more at ease.

“Drink?” Rhys offered, already turning to his drinks cabinet.

“Sure.”

“What would you like?”

“Wait. Hold on.”

Rhys paused bending down midway, shooting you a questioning look.

“Is there truly something he doesn’t know about me?” You wondered, stroking your chin contemplatively.

Rhys chuckled at your light teasing and you grinned, taking a seat on the bar stool. It felt so easy to jump right back into your dynamic. You could still feel your persistent doubts pulling somewhere at the edge of your mind, demanding your attention, but you decided to deliberately push them away for a change.

Claire was a perceptive person and when she’d implored you to stop your ridiculous, never-ending circle of doubts, you realised she was right. Even though Rhys was a master manipulator, you trusted her instincts. Besides, you needed to start trusting your own. It was time to give this a chance, a real one that is. Which meant you were going into it with an open mind and heart, hoping you wouldn’t find it broken later down the road.

“Can I have a whiskey? Neat.”

“Coming right up.”

Rhys busied himself with preparing your drink and you silently watched him as he placed it on the counter in front of you. He then dropped the kitchen towel next to the sink which meant you suddenly gained a much better view of his neck.

Too bad that highly inconvenient superficial attraction hasn’t gone, you begrudgingly thought to yourself.

The sweater he’d thrown on looked incredibly soft and it made you stupidly want to reach out and caress it. Rhys walked the short distance to his separate wine rack, which from what you could tell with your inferior knowledge of winery, looked to be holding a pretty impressive collection. He picked out a red and strode back over to you, meanwhile allowing you to take notice of the fact he had also taken off his shoes.

Rhys disappeared behind the kitchen counter for a second to retrieve two wine glasses. Was the man on a mission to make you drunk? It would definitely speed things along in terms of honesty, you surmised.

He walked around the island and took a seat on the bar stool next to you, uncorking the fancy bottle of red and pouring himself a generous glass, leaving the extra glass be for now. Rhys turned to you, holding out his glass in invitation. You picked up your whiskey and moved to clink your glasses. Taking a tentative sip, you enjoyed the familiar burn the alcohol left behind in its wake.

When you’d both set down your drinks, you stared at each other for a long minute, neither of you choosing to speak first. Where to even fucking begin? There was too much to talk about. Lockwood, Jonathan, your mother… You supposed the best course of action would be to just to throw it out there.

“So, which problem do you want to tackle first? I presume Lockwood since he—”

Rhys held up his hand, pausing you. You confusedly looked at him. Not Lockwood then? Wasn’t he the one who kept droning on and on about the danger Lockwood posed to the both of you?

“We’re not talking about him tonight. Or any work-related stuff for that matter.”

“We’re not?”

Rhys shook his head. “Tonight will be about us. Not anyone else.”

You canted your head to the side, looking him over twice before taking another generous sip of your drink. Maybe Rhys was right, you needed the alcohol for this.

Rhys sighed almost inaudibly at your reaction, reaching out to lay his palm over your wrist as you set your glass back down. You stilled at his touch, warily gazing down at where his hand circled your wrist. It started to become a recognisable pattern. One where Rhys would choose to lean in and enter your space, tenderly touching you to focus all your attention on him. You hated to admit how it worked every single time, as if the physical touch helped open up the bond between you.

“We need to learn how to trust each other, Y/N. I know it’s no easy task. But we have to try, don’t you think? I want—” he paused momentarily, his thumb ceasing to stroke your wrist. His eyebrows lowered, troubled creases forming on his forehead.

“I need this to work. As much as it puzzles me to say, because I still can’t wrap my bloody head around it,” he murmured. “I find myself not wanting to do this without you.”

Rhys wearily glanced up at you with his head hung low. That’s when you knew this wasn’t an act. He looked like a lost little boy — treading the murky waters, afraid of drowning. Rhys didn’t understand the connection between you any more than you did, seeming almost anguished by it.

You were two people who’d only ever been able to rely on themselves for the entirety of your lives thus far. Never having the freedom or feeling protected enough to be able to open up and be vulnerable. To truly be allowed to show your darkest side, knowing that once you did, you’d feel even more alone.

We are alike, you and me.

You had vigorously fought him when Rhys had spoken those words days ago whilst you were still shackled in that dingy prison cell. A part of you had felt the truth of it echo through you, but you didn’t want to see it. Afraid that by admitting to the full extent of the monster residing within you, it would disconnect you from your sisters. That you would lose them in the process. Now, after actually having nearly lost them, those complicated feelings felt even more tricky to navigate.

You were essentially just as lost as Rhys appeared to be. It made your next action almost an unconscious decision. You shifted your hand that Rhys had been gently holding, lacing your fingers together. He lifted his head, his gaze slightly unfocused when you proceeded to softly squeeze his hand. It was time to reassure him with your touch.

“In the interest of full disclosure… I don’t want to do this alone anymore, either,” you confessed.

“The way with Roald, for example, it just felt effortless — right. And now, sitting here next to you that same feeling has returned. These past few days I’ve tried to put you and all this behind me because I thought that this between us hadn’t been real,” you said, emphasising your words with another squeeze of your hand. “But I just couldn’t do it.”

Rhys considered you for a moment. You could see the gears turning in his head. You figured there was a lot he wanted to ask you, but again, where to start? Or more importantly, what would be too much for now? Apparently, Rhys opted to completely erase the notion of whether something would be a step too far. Deciding that absolute candour was needed on this delicate road to establishing trust.

“Tell me a secret, then,” he said, the intensity in his eyes demanding you’d consent to his wishes. “You decided to leave before we had the chance to sit down and talk. Before you gave me the opportunity to explain everything. Why did you push me away?”

Well, that really was the core of your issues, wasn’t it? Claire had even pointed it out last night. Any many, many more times than you could count.

You sighed, letting go of his hand to down the remaining whiskey in one go. He wanted the truth? Fine. You’d give it to him.

“Because that’s what I always do. I don’t like vulnerability, nay I despise it. Letting people in, anyone, I don’t do it.”

“Why?”

“Why?” You parroted tartly.

“Yes, why?” Rhys calmly insisted.

Because your thoughts and feelings were yours. Because no one ever proved to be understanding enough of them. Because you had built walls around you as high as the fucking Eiffel Tower. Because if you’d let anyone see you, the real you, they would most certainly abandon you.

You swallowed. That was it. You were scared people would leave you. And the ensuing loneliness that accompanied your inner self-preservation mechanism was really just unavoidable.

“Abandonment,” you revealed quietly. A single word that held too much weight.

Rhys hummed in response. A shadow passed over his features, giving you the distinct impression that he did get it. You suddenly remembered a haunting passage from his memoir. How, as a child, during winters he would sleep next to the dryer in the laundry room to feel warmer. His mother had never tried to make a better living for the two of them. To provide a normal childhood for her son.

Do you feel the same abandonment as I have felt?

Your mind staggered a little at the realisation of how much he’d already exposed of himself during your first conversation. You hadn’t noticed it before but it seemed you had stored those memories for them to come back and haunt you later. Or soothe you, for that matter.

“What else?” Rhys asked, sensing there was more to the story.

You wanted to tell him to fuck off. That after expressing your difficulties in opening up to people he shouldn’t bloody pry. In essence, these were some of your deepest and darkest fears. Nevertheless, Rhys might be the only person who could ever truly understand those feelings. You startlingly found yourself wanting to confide in him further.

“When you offered me this partnership, this possibility of finally seizing power for myself — I didn’t want to accept it.”

“The offer or the fact you wanted to?” Rhys asked keenly.

“That I wanted to,” you admitted. His eyes softened at that.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” you began, shaking your head ruefully. “Or I do know, but it’s just—”

You sighed, frustrated with yourself. Bloody hell, opening up really was a struggle for you, wasn’t it? Rhys’ hand found yours again but you fought the urge to glance at it, opting to focus on a landscape painting hanging on the wall behind him. You didn’t know if you could look him in the eye.

“I always pushed those thoughts away. The ones that have to do with any desire for power because I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I was scared that when I did, I would be forever secluded from anyone I could ever love or hold dear. My sisters, Claire,” you trailed off.

You knew you were disclosing too much personal information at this point, but the floodgates had seemingly opened. Was it thanks to the alcohol buzzing through you? Perhaps. But you noticed Rhys listening to you. Truly listening. It spurred you on to keep going.

“I guess I didn’t want to come face to face with my inner monster. Because it would mean I’d also have to face the fact that there’s no way I would ever be deserving of their love and affection. Of redemption of any kind.”

You were both quiet for a moment, the sound of your unsteady breaths could be clearly heard. Your heart was racing, not even Rhys’ calming touch able to slow it down. 24 hours ago you were contemplating to never see this man ever again and yet here you were, spilling your deepest secrets to him. The ones you vowed would never be spoken out loud.

Rhys broke through your inner turmoil by leaning forward, his face only mere inches from yours. He lifted his other hand, the one not holding yours, to cup your cheek.

“You can’t erase what happened to you or who you have become because of it, Y/N.”

“So, what?” You huffed. “I’m just supposed to accept that I’m this irredeemable monster that simply can’t help herself? I don’t accept that.”

“I’m not saying that,” Rhys countered. “I’m saying the two worlds you see as separate don’t have to be. You can be the loving sister and friend, and simultaneously embrace your deepest and darkest desires. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Allow yourself to retake control and power over that.”

“And how do I do that?” You asked, noting the slight yearning in your voice.

“By committing to never run from yourself. Face it all, no matter what. To fully embrace who you are — every aspect of yourself,” Rhys explained vehemently.

You frowned at his words. The near agonising look you gave him made Rhys affectionately brush his thumb over your cheekbone. He leaned in even closer, resting his forehead against yours. You had no choice but to look at him now.

Rhys’ eyes flitted between yours and he softly chuckled. He wasn’t mocking you. No, it sounded more tender and caring than anything else.

“When will you understand that all of what I just said simply means,” he paused, letting go of your hand to bring it up to your neck. He anchored you in place, not allowing you to run away from his next words.

“I will never let you be alone ever again.”

––––

A/N: the way I’m the person writing this and I’m still bloody screaming. I hope you enjoyed the 5k of pain and yearning :D

By the way, physical touch really is their love language. I could do a very deep dive in characterisation in terms of experiencing isolation and abandonment and just feeling that profound need to connect to people, but I will refrain. Otherwise really just watch You season 4, if you don’t agree with me that Rhys’ love language is touch then I’m not sure we’ve watched the same show.

#rhys montrose x reader #rhys montrose x female reader #rhys montrose fanfic #rhys montrose fic #rhys montrose #you netflix #you season 4 #you season 4 canon divergence #jonathan moore #joe goldberg #goldrose #ed speleers #rhys montrose x original female character #on ao3 #you and me

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