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sunmoontruth-stiles · 3 years

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Ok this is gonna be long. I’ve literally been slowly working on this for… too long. I’m just in a mood to have a long discussion about ships. I’ll be looking at canon and not, so bare with me. I don’t ship all of these personally. I’m mostly just picking the most popular ones. I chose to leave out a few that I just don’t want to talk about. I tried to keep this loosely chronological, but that quickly went to hell. None of this is meant to be hate towards anyone’s ship, just my personal opinions on each of them.

Canon:

Scott x Allison: True Classic

Scallison is so sweet as it is truly the epitome of young love. Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo is even more of an idiot and Juliet is a badass who dies for a cause. They’re moral and ethical codes are both highly valued by themselves, even if they don’t align with others very often. They loved with everything they had. They were beautiful. We’re they soulmates in the end, or just the first love who will always hold a special place in your heart? Who knows, but I’ll always love these immature kids who thought their love could change everything.

Stiles x Lydia: The Long Awaited

Stydia is as slow burn as you can get. Unfortunately their actual getting together was slightly rushed in my opinion. They didn’t have time to find their own as a couple because Stiles just wasn’t in the show enough at that point. I know the reasons behind it, but it did leave this couple at an awkward stage of official-but-not-shown. The idea that Stiles loved her as a kid, immature and infatuated, and he saw her for who she really was, will always be cute. Then they grew, changed, became friends, and found other people. Them finding each other later on, having real love that’s developed slowly, is a wonderful arc. Though, a part of me will always believe they should have pursued other story lines in the wake of Stiles’ absence from the plot. They’re finally together! …but we don’t get to see it.

Jackson x Lydia: The Image

Oh Jackson and Lydia. Honestly, I love them. Their connection at a time in their lives when they couldn’t open up to anyone else, just hits me right in the feels. I mean, god that HUG. You know the one. Always brings me to tears. I’m so sad their relationship was almost entirely depicted during Jackson’s kanima time when he couldn’t think nor truly act for himself. Those small moments of scared vulnerability when he wanted to protect her from himself… I’ll miss these two. They deserved to find other people and remain life-long friends. I loved their moment in the last episode. I wish they’d gotten to see each other grow. Also they had such bixbi solidarity vibes, and I’ll die on that hill.

Scott x Lydia: Leaders

Ok, I’m gonna be honest here. I ship it. The power couple they would have been?? Also them coming together after they lost Allison would have actually made sense. A part of me kinda wishes the writers had moved on from Stydia as a romantic relationship and leaned into them growing as friends and Stiles moving on from his childhood crush. Scott and Lydia actually would have had good chemistry. They were both very headstrong heroic types, but Lydia would have balanced Scott out well intellectually. They had the history, and I think it could had worked if they wrote it right. Plus, Scott and Lydia would have been a better endgame that Scalia.

Scott x Kira: New Beginnings

These two were adorable. Kira was a badass, don’t get me wrong, but she let herself be soft in a way Allison was always afraid to. This couple was truly Baby. Absolute dorks. I can definitely see the lasting quality between the two of them. They saw things very similarly, and had a ton in common. I do think Kira deserves more characterization outside of their relationship, like more of her friendship with Malia. Overall, her departure from the show will always be sad to me. It was bad writing. Scott was over her far too quickly.

Aiden x Lydia: Pretty People Herd

I honestly didn’t see much between these two other than mutual attraction. The best thing to come out of this relationship was Lydia’s line, “You’re not just a bad boy, Aiden. You’re a bad guy. And I don’t want to be with the bad guys.” Good character development moment.

Ethan x Danny: Step to Redemption

Danny really was the thing that made Ethan look outside of the pack for what he really wanted out of life. They had a few cute scenes. Gotta love Danny’s final remarks, “Dude, it’s Beacon Hills.”

Allison x Isaac: Unexpected Rebound

Ok, I like these two. Isaac could match Allison’s snark in a way Scott couldn’t. They both fought the progression of the relationship slightly. They didn’t expect to fall for each other. They were less willing to let someone in close. I’d love to have seen more… but unfortunately their time was limited. On a side note, sometimes their relationship did feel like ‘we both are in love with the same guy, let’s cope with each other’, but I find that completely valid. I’ll talk about Scallisaac later though.

Stiles x Malia: Anchors

Ok but, them <3 I love what they did for each other. Stiles was able to help Malia connect to her humanity and other people. He never tried to isolate her in their relationship and encouraged her growth. Malia offered Stiles the emotional support he never asked for. She defended him, fought for him, and loved him fiercely. Stiles needed that so much after season 3. I think they were a love that wasn’t meant to last, but the impact of it was forever. I wish we’d gotten to see a real end for them where they agreed that they needed to grow as individuals but would always still care.

Liam x Hayden: Three’s a Pattern

These two’s characterization stopped whenever they had storylines together. Their relationship was built on Scallison references. Hayden’s character could have been interesting, but they never really gave her a moment to shine. Liam has the worst plots when they revolved around her. Cute couple, poor writing.

Derek x Braeden: Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girl Boss

Derek deserves to be happy so much. Kate and Jennifer were just... jeez. Him and Braeden were cute and deserved more screen time. I think her intensity allowed for Derek to let go of control a bit more comfortably. Let Derek Be Soft. Anyway, love them.

Corey x Mason: Gotta Have That Rep TM

These two could have been cute if they were shown for more than two seconds at a time. I highkey forget Corey even existed all the time. Kinda just felt like a relationship to fill TW’s gay quota.

Jackson x Ethan: The Callback

Honestly? Loved them. Loved the chemistry. Loved the dynamic. Best twist. I know it was probably written in like that because Colton came out during his time away from the show, but it absolutely fit his character. Jethan is top tier.

Melissa x Chris: BAMF Parent Duo

Ok, so like, Melissa deserved this plot. She deserved someone to care about her. However... what the hell? Chris? In canon, his wife died like 2-ish years prior? His daughter died 1 year prior?? Is Chris really in a position to pursue a new relationship?? Also, like, Scott and Allison dated and loved each other up to her death. Kinda weird to have their parents hook up. I don’t hate it, but I don’t ship it…?

Scott x Malia: Lead up? What’s lead up?

These two came out of nowhere I stg. Like, 6B really tried to tell us this was something that had been slowly developing in the background? Also, I understand that they are their own people, adults, and completely in charge of their own romantic pursuits: but did Scott seriously never call Stiles? Like, Malia wasn’t just his first girlfriend. She was his first. Like, dude that’s your best friend?? Not even a head’s up? No, ‘hey would this bother you?’ Oof. Plus Malia was way too chaotic for Scott. She existed in gray morality that always prioritized her immediate circle, and Scott was a very black/white type of heroism. I just didn’t feel like they fit.

Non-Canon:

Scott x Stiles: Childhood Best Friends

Ya, sorry, I don’t ship Sciles at all. I get it. Like, I totally understand the ship, and I mean no judgment at all. I just see them as friends. I really value good male friendships in media because I feel like we don’t get enough, and I always liked these two.

Stiles x Derek: Enemies to Lovers. 100k. Angst. Hurt/Comfort.

God these two really are what fanfiction was made for. I could write a much longer discussion about Sterek, and I probably will eventually. I’ll try to keep this brief. These two weren’t always on the same side, but their approach was the same. They were very similar at their core. Plus, wow the chemistry. This should have been canon. Jeff’s a coward.

Allison x Lydia: Powerful.

This ship is so great. They really had a great dynamic, and a romantic plot would have easily fit the established narrative. Lydia’s confidence in herself and Allison’s confidence in her own abilities crossing over to each other because that’s what the other lacked? Iconic.

Danny x Jackson: He Gets Him

Danny really saw Jackson for everything he was and still cared. I wished we’d gotten to see more of them. I want more background with Jackson’s eventual coming out and his friendship with Danny. Like, they ended up dating the same guy. What did Ethan have to say about that??

Stiles x Jackson: Bastards

Ok these two had a super fun dynamic. The asshole-energy between them was, great. The snark was always so entertaining.

Melissa x Noah: Family

How were these two not endgame? Their sons were practically brothers already. They had amazing chemistry. The flirting? Not to mention, their timeline would have made way more sense. Missed opportunity.

Chris x Peter: The Opposite of Love is Indifference, Not Hate

Ok so like, this was definitely one of those ships that I had absolutely no knowledge of before I was pretty into the fandom. Like, this was not something I would have guessed just after watching the show. That being said; my god the chaos alone…

Scott x Isaac: The Disaster Duo

Okay ya I love these two. Two dumb asses who act like idiot puppies. Such a fun dynamic. Plus?? Chemistry??? Hellooo

Scott x Allison x Isaac: Three Heads Are Better Than One

This ship is definitely one of my personal favorites. I very rarely poly-ship. I just feel like most of them are just love triangles with an ‘easy solution’, when two of them have no real connection. That is so not the case here. I feel like all of them have such great chemistry with each other. They also have a great dynamic as a group. Season 3A was really just Scallisaac rights.

Stiles x Isaac: I Hate You, jk…Not Really

Ok I loved their banter, but I really just don’t see this ship. Idk, I don’t personally ship it. Would have loved to see their friendship develop more tho.

Erica x Allison: Duo that would stab you with a stiletto

I don’t ship it, but I do wish we’d seen them become friends. I feel like they had a very artificial ‘girls fighting over a boy’ dynamic? They could have been such a badass duo.

Stiles x Erica: Batman x Catwoman

Ok I’m not sure exactly how to express my feelings for these two so bare with me. OMG I love their dynamic so much, and they are sooo cute. Their energy? Amazing. Chemistry? Great. History? It’s there and has so much potential. 10/10. Love them. But, no, I don’t ship it lol. Just really love their friendship, but with the underlying history of crushes.

Boyd x Erica: Was This Not Canon?

How can anyone not love Berica? Ugh they are adorable. These two deserved so much better.

Boyd x Cora: Survivors

Honestly I don’t really see it? Like they definitely had a connection, but it never felt romantic. I really feel like they just had to lean on each other and bond to make it through captivity, and it just lasted.

Boyd x Erica x Cora: The Pack

I literally learned this was a ship a couple days ago. Similar feelings towards this as Bora, but with the added hesitancy of we never actually saw Erica and Cora interact.

Cora x Stiles: Slow Build Up

These two were clearing being lined up to be a thing before Cora ended up leaving. I can’t say I’m disappointed they never happened. Kinda felt like they just wanted to straight-code Sterek.

Cora x Lydia: Mean Lesbians

Not much interaction to actually go off of, but yes I 100% support. They have very different approaches to problems, which is fun. Very ‘opposites attract’.

Malia x Kira: “Maybe you could date the coyote?”

Another one of my favorites!! They really complimented each other. Also, how full circle would they have been? They were introduced in back-to-back episodes. Malia stalking her as a coyote? The line from Kira’s dad about dating it? It would have been so funny if that ended up happening.

Malia x Lydia: Beauty and the Beast, but make it wlw

These two were fun. I liked their friendship, but I don’t really ship it. Though, rip Stiles that would have been hilarious.

Parrish x Lydia: The Cop and The Minor

Must I say more? Like, Parrish’s character, so sweet and big rule follower, did not make sense for what went down with Lydia. I love Parrish, but the dynamic just felt off. It didn’t feel consistent with the rest of his characterization.

Parrish x Stiles: The Cop and The Minor, but gay?

Ok, same reasoning as above, but also they had absolutely no connection romantically.

Scott x Theo / Stiles x Theo: Sometimes The Villain is Hot

Ok I’ve put these together because I have the same opinion for both. I don’t ship it. Neither had any rebuilding of trust, and Theo really hurt both of them. I just don’t really think they work.

Mason x Liam: Sciles Puppy Pack Edition

Similar to my feeling about Sciles, I just don’t ship these two. They had a good friendship, from the little we saw of it.

Theo x Liam: Anchors 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another personal favorite! I really don’t even understand why this didn’t go canon?? The elevator scene was just, so intense. They helped each other grow in 6B, and I really loved their dynamic. They should have hooked up.

Honorable Mention?:

Parrish x Laura: What’s canon?

I’ve seen this in fanfic a lot, and I actually really like it lol. I thought I’d add it in here because I do love the creativity of fandoms.

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some-days-we-get-sundays · 3 years

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Relationship Q&A - Wildmoore Edition

Who confessed feelings first?

Sophie. Definitely Sophie. Ryan is too damn stubborn to admit or even realize that she has feelings for Sophie. Sophie knew for a while that she had feelings for Ryan and she had an inkling that Ryan liked her back but she knew that Ryan would not realize it or admit it if she did realize. Sophie admittedly wanted to start kissing Ryan and going out with her romantically instead of always leaving their hangouts feeling unsatisfied lol so she knew she had to make the first move. When she did, Ryan slapped her playfully on the arm and said, damn Soph, it took you look enough.

Nicknames for each other?

Ryan still calls Sophie, “Crowphie” but it’s endearing and playful and Sophie doesn’t mind it. She calls her, “Soph” as well. They both call each other bae, babe, boo, baby. Sophie calls Ryan, “Ry Ry” and also calls her “Shawty/shorty.” When they’re playing video games and it gets competitive, Ryan refers to herself as “Bdub” short for BW (batwoman). Bdub finna drop this 30 piece on your head Soph. Sophie usually let’s Ryan win when they play 2k because she thinks it’s cute when Ryan gets competitive and gloats.

Who apologizes first in fights?

Since they are enemies to lovers they are used to fighting with each other and not seeing eye to eye. So they don’t ever really freak out about a big fight. They know one of them will eventually come around. Even though Ryan is more stubborn and hard headed, it’s usually her that apologizes first. Sophie can’t stay mad at Ryan’s puppy dog face and her sweet smile. They always hug and then Ryan says, Soph, I’m sorry. And then Sophie immediately says, no, babe, I’m sorry. They are good at talking through their issues and know how to have healthy communication Then once they talk they have a lot of make up sex and cuddles.

Who said I love you first?

Ryan said it first. Ryan was in the batsuit and she thought she was about to die after getting bested in a big fight. She turned on her comms and told Mary and Luke to get Sophie on the line.

Soph?

Yeah I’m here babe, what is it?

Sophie, I love you. Ryan said this with zero hesitation in her voice. She turned off the batsuit voice manipulator so that Sophie could hear Ryan’s real voice when she told her.

You wha-

I love you. I’m in love with you. And I have been for a while now. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know the right time. I thought maybe I would take you to dinner at our favorite spot, but it doesn’t look like I’m gonna make it. Ryan’s breath was coming out in short bursts and she was struggling. Sophie heard the distress.

BABE, Ryan talk to me! What’s happening?

I’m ok, I just needed to tell you this incase I didn’t get the chance. I love you with my whole heart Sophie. You’re the most important thing in my life and I’m so glad I didn’t die before I met you.

Are you quoting a Bright Eyes song to me right now? Sophie let out a raspy laugh.

Damnit Soph, I’m trying to be serious here. I didn’t know you know that song.

Ryan, I hear you sing it to yourself literally every morning when you’re getting dressed.

Oh.

Ryan?

Yeah? Ryan’s voice comes out strained but she’s holding on.

I love you too. And you’re not dying today. Hang tight shorty. I’m on my way.

Who is the cuddler?

Ryan is more cuddly for sure. Ryan always wants cuddles even when Sophie isn’t in the mood. Ryan likes to act big and tough and she totally is but she’s also a huge softie. When Sophie is grumpy and they’re lying in bed together, Ryan rolls over and big spoons Sophie. When they’re on the couch watching movies, Ryan always wants the cuddles. She hasn’t felt very safe for most of her life and Sophie makes her feel safe. When she’s cuddled up with Sophie she feels like she’s in a cocoon where nothing and no one can harm her. Sophie has picked up on this being the reason Ryan cuddles so much and so she lets her do it whenever she wants even though Sophie isn’t the biggest cuddler.

Who wakes up first?

Sophie does. And she makes breakfast, has her coffee. Reads through her twitter news feed, takes a shower, brushes her teeth, does her hair, and gets dressed and is ready to go before Ryan gets out of bed. Ryan always marvels at how Sophie is always so prompt and ready. Sophie says it’s because of her military background. Ryan thinks it’s because Sophie has had trouble sleeping ever since Kate died (and then came back to life as something that is not Kate). Ryan knows Sophie doesn’t have feelings for Kate anymore and she’s not jealous. But she knows how traumatizing it was for Sophie and she’s had trouble sleeping ever since. Ryan hopes that some day she can wake up before Sophie because it will mean she has slept through the night comfortably, uninterrupted and unbothered by her worries.

Who falls asleep first?

Ryan usually does. Being Batwoman is tiring. They don’t tell you that when you sign up for this gig. Ryan usually knocks out on the couch while Sophie is making dinner or taking off her work clothes and slipping into something more comfortable. Sophie will come out of her room and see Ryan curled up on the couch asleep. Sometimes she puts a blanket over her and then sits near her and runs her hands through Ryan’s hair or rubs her back. Or they will be watching TV or a movie and Ryan will fall asleep on Sophie’s shoulder. Sophie always finds these moment tender because it reminds her of when Batwoman, before she knew it was Ryan, rested her head on Sophie when she thought she was dying. Sophie likes listening to the sound of Ryan’s soft breathing, in and out in and out. It puts her at ease. And she often sneaks a kiss onto Ryan’s forehead. At night when they crawl into bed, Sophie will be telling Ryan about some new case and Ryan after a while will stop responding and Sophie will see that she’s fallen asleep. Sophie always finishes her story anyway and then she reads a book until she grows tired too and shuts off the light.

Who is more Romantic?

Ryan is. I told you she’s a big softie. She loves spoiling Sophie. She kisses her all the time, she’s always reaching for Sophie’s hand and interlocking their fingers. She makes playlists for Sophie, she goes all out on Sophie’s bday or just because. And she likes planning dinner dates for the two of them. Ryan has been out longer than Sophie and she is more used to the PDA and the dating and spoiling a girl thing. Sophie is still learning what it looks like to be romantic with another woman. Besides the sex and kissing which she is very good at. Sophie does go all out for Vday, Ryan’s bday, and Christmas though.

Who has more of a temper?

They both are hot heads and fly off the handle but it makes for great angry sex and make up sex.

What do they argue about the most?

The others’ safety.

Who is more jealous?

Neither of them are really the jealous type. They know they each only have eyes for each other. Before they started dating, they both were a little jealous of Mary. But it turns out Mary didn’t like either of them in that way and they were both didn’t like Mary in that way, they were just projecting. The conversation went something like this: I thought you liked Mary? What I thought you liked Mary? No. I like you. I like you too. Some girls at the bar do try and flirt with Ryan and if Sophie is there she just laughs. She finds it more amusing than anything. Because Ryan gets all cute and flustered. Ryan finds it funny when they’re out and guys try and hit on either one of them- assuming that the two are just gal pals. They shoot the guys down and then they laugh and say to each other, “why are we so hot?”

What do they do for fun/in their downtime?

Ryan and Sophie are both huge tomboys and so it makes for a fun relationship. They play fight a lot! Mary walks in on some of their playfights and thinks they are fighting for real and tries to break it up. Then when she realizes they are play fighting she gets grossed out and says, ew is this foreplay?? They go mini golfing, bowling, go to the shooting range because Ryan wants to learn how to shoot like Sophie. They go to arcades, and they go to amusement parks and movies. When they’re at home they like to watch streaming services, watch sports, read, watch movies, take naps, and order take out. They like trying new places and ordering food for each other from the new places- and if they order food the other likes then they get a point, if they order food the other person doesn't like then they don’t get a point. Whoever gets 10 points doesn’t have to pay on their next date.

Favorite thing about each other:

Sophie likes Ryan’s lips, Ryan likes Sophie’s eyes. Ryan likes that Sophie is not scared of standing up for herself or what she thinks is right. She likes her bravery and courage. She likes how bad ass Sophie is but also how she is so kind and sweet. She likes Sophie’s raspy voice. She won’t admit it but she likes how Sophie proved Ryan wrong. She likes that she kept her secret as Batwoman and how she isn’t like the Crows in the way she thought Sophie was. Sophie likes Ryan’s cute smile and puppy dog eyes. She likes Ryan’s unwavering confidence and strength. She likes that Ryan doesn’t back down and that she protects the people that she loves with her whole heart. She likes that Ryan isn’t afraid of anyone and will challenge and step up to anyone. They both love how the other loves them. They both love how safe, and protected the other one makes them feel.

#ryan wilder #wildmoore #sophie moore #batwoman

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klarolijahs · 3 years

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The Menace

Three times Anthony didn't need to be jealous, and one time he really really does.

Kate x Anthony week 2021 - Part 1!

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I - Benedict

“Do you plan on dancing with her at any point, or is glaring your idea of flirting?”

Benedict’s amused statement cut across his observation of the Sharma sisters, in particular the elder who had her back decidedly turned to him. Frustration gnawing at her high handed behavior Anthony reluctantly turned his attention to his delighted brother.

“What?” Anthony asked simply.

“Sharma,” Benedict nodded his head in her direction, “Go ask her to dance, and stop scaring the debutantes.”

“Why in God’s name would I want to dance with…” that menace , “her?”

A goddess, an irritating voice corrected in his head. Anthony shook his head almost violently at that.

Benedict then proceeded to look at him like he was a simpleton, finally narrowing his eyes as he enunciated every syllable of his next statement, “Uhm aren’t you planning on marrying the girl?”

Then it clicked into place. Benedict was referring to the younger Sharma, Edwina. Who currently stood next to her sister chattering away politely to Lord Ashwell. Kate, on the other hand, was eyeing the man top to bottom, probably scanning him head to toe for any imperfections. She had a disconcerting scowl on her face, watching every word out of the gentleman’s mouth waiting for him to make one mistake, anything to deem him unacceptable for her sister.

Anthony snorted, not envying the poor man. Given enough time, Kate Sharma would even uncover Ashwell’s finances and family history of illness. The woman was like a hound.

A menace to society indeed.

Realizing he still hadn’t responded to his brother, Anthony quickly cleared his throat, “Yes of course. Doesn’t mean I need to dance with her every night.” Benedict’s retort - which was certain to point out that it had been days since he’d last spent even five minutes alone with Edwina were drowned out as their mother made a beeline for them.

“Ah there you are.” She exclaimed, “Have you seen where Colin’s off to, I wanted to ask him to…”

“Dance with Penelope Featherington” Both Anthony and Benedict said simultaneously, only the former managing to hide his smirk when Violet turned to glare at them.

“And what about you two?” She said sweetly, quickly forgetting all about the wayward third Bridgerton, instead choosing to harangue the ones she could find, “Why are you sulking in the corner?”

“Oh, we’re just discussing Anthony’s marriage prospects, and how he's doing such a fine job of courting Miss Sharma.” Benedict said giddily before Anthony could even open his mouth.

With a smile, Violet turned to look at the Sharma sisters. Kate, as if aware that he’d been sneakily - in his opinion - staring at her for 45 minutes, turned to look at him. And instantly Anthony was hit with two emotions he very rarely felt together, or ever- guilt and joy. Joy, at how tuned she was to him, like she could feel his eyes on her. Guilt at their last interaction, in his office where he’d behaved like a boor and quite possible lost his mind.

And your heart , that strange voice said in the back of his head, and he mentally glared at it.

Violet smiled softly looking at the sisters, “Oh I think they’re both such lovely young ladies. Edwina is so kind and sweet. You know I’m quite fond of the elder one too, so loving and caring, she’d make a wonderful wife for a very lucky gentleman.”

“I agree.”

Anthony blanched, did he really say that out loud? And then he paled even more realizing that he hadn’t said the words. They came from his left, in the smooth, silken voice of his younger brother.

Benedict bounced on the balls of his feet, a twinkle in his eye as he looked at Kate. And Anthony, who knew just how suave and smooth Benedict was with women, panicked. A dull pain throbbed in his chest as their mother turned to look at Benedict cautiously.

“Benedict, do not toy with me,” she warned, but a small smile worked onto her face as she saw the son in question straighten and beam at her.

“I’ve had 7 infuriating conversations with the debutantes you’ve hurled at me mother,” Benedict said sourly, “But the elder Miss Sharma was quite unexpected, I daresay I enjoyed talking to her.” Violet beamed in happiness at his response.

“When did you speak to her?” Anthony all but yelled, working very hard to not make his tone accusing. He didn’t actually care if someone chose to court Kate, he was protecting his idiotic brother.

Liar , the voice whispered.

“I have my ways,” Benedict quipped as he made quite a show of tousling his hair and started to walk in the direction of the Sharma sisters. As Anthony watched him walk away, that dull pain sharpened until it felt like a thousand needles were pricking him.

Women fell at Benedict's feet, he had an easy charm about him that Anthony could never conjure. He was everything Anthony wasn’t; fun, playful and open. But Katherine Sharma suffered no fools, surely Benedict would receive a similar treatment.

Not her. Not her. Please, not her . The voice prayed frantically.

When Benedict finally reached Kate, she looked up at him warmly and granted him a small, almost shy smile. Until of course her brow arched and her eyes narrowed, affirming to Anthony that she was about to rip into Benedict just as she had him. But then the world tilted on its axis when Benedict only smiled at her jab and stepped closer to her. His hand hovering over her waist, and his head bent low, far too low for his liking, Benedict whispered something into Kate’s ear.

Her eyes widened delightfully making her look so beautiful that Anthony’s heart ached. And then it shattered as she looked up at Benedict with such wonder and awe at whatever the traitorous - and soon to be dead - man had said to her. Anthony could see nothing but her, her nothing but hear laughter and feel nothing but this strange, misplaced agony. So much so, that he missed the exasperated and knowing sigh his mother threw at him before finally catching hold of an escaping Colin.

Kate danced with Benedict twice that day, and for every minute she spent twirling in his arms Anthony wondered and wondered and wondered what name to call this pang in his chest.

Jealousy , he realized with a sigh was just another new emotion the maddening woman had managed to evoke in him.

It wasn’t until many years later, on another night such as this when Anthony finally asked his brother what the man had said all those years ago to Kate - now his wife, his viscountess - to make her look at him like he’d hung the moon and stars.

His , Anthony thought proudly. No longer needing an inner voice to affirm what he already knew he felt.

Benedict smirked, teased him about being jealous until Sophie him in the side, and finally spoke.

“I told her that one day she was going to change your life. And I was right.”

#kateandanthonyweek #kateandanthonyweek21 #bridgerton #kate sharma #katexanthonyweek #anthony bridgerton #benedict bridgerton #kate x benedict #drabble #my writing #kanthony

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annewritesfic · 3 years

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Happy Endings Don’t Exist

this au is not dead!!!!!!!!!!!! wow!!!!!!!!!

it has been. a month. i am so sorry.

fun fact: i actually wrote this like a month ago but never actually posted this yes hellbrain is still suffering from writer’s block it’s not wonderful i am fine

uhhhhh word count: 2823

tw: oh god uh, mentions of guns/bullet holes, blood, tyrannical rulers, death, parent death, mentions of stabbing, mentions of hospital rooms, please tell me if i missed anything

Kate ran a hand over the smooth rock that the throne was carved from, relishing the silence. The throne room itself was a mess, furniture still strewn across the floor, marked with bullet holes, and it reeked of the cleaning supplies that had been used to scrub the blood from the floor. Kate’s blood, Levana’s blood, Farrah’s blood, Mattie’s blood… so much blood. But it was quiet and otherwise empty, so Kate had escaped there.

So many things had happened in this room. Kate shivered when they thought about it, about all the people who’d sat in this chair before her. Levana, most recently. Before her, Kate’s own mother. Channary and Levana’s parents, Kate’s grandparents.

Kate thought about Channary a lot. In one of the palace’s hallways, there was a line of holographic portraits of past kings and queens, names Kate didn’t want to know but that their system committed to memory anyway. At the end of the line was Channary Blackburn, and Kate had sat in front of her holographic portrait for an hour, staring at the face of her mother. A woman Kate had no memory of - she’d died just weeks before Kate’s first birthday. She’d been queen for just about two years before she’d died, leaving Levana as queen regent, and Kate’s system had put together an entire file in their head with all the articles and papers and history there was about Queen Channary. But the articles didn’t tell Kate as much as the people who remembered her did.

Queen Channary had died fifteen years ago, so there weren’t many people left who’d also worked under her, but Kate had asked to see everyone who had. There was Clark’s father, Garrison Winslett, a tall palace guard with a soft voice and kind eyes. He’d made Kate feel safe, but he’d refused to share many details, claiming Kate didn’t need to know.

“That’s in the past now, Your Highness,” he’d said. “You need only concern yourself with Luna’s future.”

Which, while that hadn’t told Kate any of the details that they’d been looking for, did say volumes about what kind of queen Channary had been.

As Kate met the rest of Channary’s former subjects, they learned more and more about her. When Kate was a kid, living with Adri, they’d used to spend the bad nights imagining what her mother would have been like before the hover crash she’d been told had killed their parents. She’d imagined a kind, loving woman, with a soft voice and a gentle smile, who’d loved Kate with her entire heart. Kate had imagined walking home from school and telling their mother about their day while she listened attentively, a hand stroking Kate’s hair as they walked together. Snowy days where Kate’s mother would take her sledding at a neighborhood park, then bring her home and wrap them in a blanket and tell stories until Kate fell asleep.

Sitting in that dark, abandoned hallway, face lit up by the gentle light from the hologram, Kate thought about those old daydreams and scoffed a little bit. That’s not who Channary was.

Channary was beautiful and cruel. She was impulsive and vain and saw being queen as a right, not a privilege, not a responsibility. She didn’t care much about improving Luna, about helping the citizens she was sworn to protect. Instead, she threw dozens of lavish parties and flirted with just about every man that entered the palace and left most of the important decisions to the thaumaturges and to her younger sister, Princess Levana.

Honestly, it wasn’t a surprise that Levana had so easily won over the Lunar population. While she was terrifying, murderous, and corrupt, at least at the beginning she’d been dedicated to the job and did help grow Luna’s economy, which was probably a relief after Channary’s lazy, unproductive, brief rule.

Kate had sat alone in the hallway with the smiling image of her mother for exactly an hour, seven minutes, and eighteen seconds, according to their internal clock, before Eva appeared around the corner, calling Kate’s name. Kate glanced up at her, then looked back at Channary, and didn’t watch Eva while she came and sat next to them on the cold marble floor.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Eva asked softly.

Kate didn’t touch her - normally, she was comforting, but Kate couldn’t handle being touched right now. “My mom.”

They didn’t speak for a moment.

“She was a really terrible queen,” Kate murmured eventually. “And a shitty person.”

“I read up a little on her, when I was on the Rampion with you guys,” Eva said softly. “I just… I knew a bunch about your aunt, but not about her, so…”

“I almost did. I was too scared, though.” Kate thought for a moment, then dryly laughed. “I had reason to be scared. She fucking sucked.”

“She sort of did,” Eva agreed.

They were quiet for a few more minutes.

“She looks a lot like me, doesn’t she?” Kate asked softly. “But, like… a thousand times more beautiful.”

“She looks like…” Eva hesitated. “Your glamour. At the ball. When you fell and your glamour came up… you looked like that. Almost exactly.”

“Oh.” Kate hugged their knees, a headache pulsing behind her eyes.

They sat awkwardly in silence for a while, before eventually Kate couldn’t take it anymore. “Can we go?”

Eva let Kate help her to her feet. “Let’s go.”

That was yesterday. Now, Kate sat in the throne room, Luna’s artificial night darkening the corners, a crescent Earth visible in the dark sky beyond the protective dome. Sitting on the throne made Kate think of Channary, wonder how many meetings they’d attended as a baby, but this was also the room where Levana had finally been dethroned.

Those last few minutes were sort of a blur. Kate remembered firing the gun, remembered Levana pretending to surrender, and then there was just a flash of pain through their chest, and warnings flashing across her vision, and Eva screaming, and then… nothing. Waking up in that small, white, sterile room with a stranger bent over her left hand and Eva holding their right.

But Kate was told what happened. That Levana died and Kate didn’t. And Queen Selene finally took her throne.

Kate leaned her head back against the hard marble throne and breathed a shaky sigh.

“I thought you’d be in here,” said a familiar voice. Kate didn’t open their eyes but smiled. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Kate tapped their human fingers against the arm of the throne. “Just… wanted to be alone. Did you know that when you’re a queen, it’s surprisingly hard to find alone time?”

“Crazy,” Eva said flatly. “I never would’ve thought.”

Kate scrunched her nose, eyes still closed. “I mean, I get it. There’s a lot to be done, a lot I’m responsible for fixing, but… I just needed a minute. So I’m hiding.”

Eva laughed a little and walked into the room, her footsteps echoing off the walls. Kate finally looked at her, taking her in, her gentle smile and soft eyes, one hand behind her back. “A hoodie makes a pretty good disguise, you know. Wanna borrow mine?”

“Ugh, please.” Kate tucked their legs up, curling up on the throne. “Did you bring it with you?”

“I did, actually.” Eva shrugged. “It’s, like, a comfort object at this point.” She turned to look out the window, at the view Kate was staring at. “It’s so weird to see Earth where I feel like the moon should be.”

“It’s beautiful.” Kate leaned their head against the chair again, smiling softly when Eva turned back to look at her.

Eva bit her lip. “I have to tell you something.”

Kate’s smile faded. “You’re leaving.”

“Not now. But yeah, I am.” Eva scuffed the floor with her shoe. “My ship is supposed to leave the port in about 46 hours.”

Less than two days.

Kate looked away, at a crack in the wall. Mattie, Farrah, Chess, and Cairo had left yesterday. About a week from now, Annleigh and Clark would leave for their first ambassadorial mission to Earth. And now Eva was leaving, and Kate (and Reese, they supposed) would be left alone.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered, angry at how small and pathetic it sounded. “I mean, I know you have to, and you have your own country to worry about, but…”

“I know.” Eva’s voice was gentle and understanding. “I don’t- I’m not looking forward to being so far away from you, but I have to.”

“Sometimes I forget, you know?” Kate admitted. “That we’re… you know. Monarchs. Revolutionaries. Whatever. Like, people know us, know our names, and we’re responsible for them, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes. You’re just… you. You’re just Eva, you’re my girlfriend and you’re dorky and sweet and awkward and I love you, a lot, and I really like it when the world is just you and me.”

“Me, too.” Eva sighed. “Maybe- maybe you should come and visit soon? It could be, like, symbolic of the new alliance, or I could make up some sort of political crisis…?”

Kate smiled. “We’d never pull it off.”

“We could try.”

Kate laughed a little, and Eva did too, and for a second, things were better again, but then the reality crashed right back into Kate like a wave. “I’m going to miss you. So much.”

“Being a queen might not leave much time for being lonely.”

“I doubt that.” Kate suddenly felt awkward sitting on the throne, and stood up, coming to stand beside Eva, close enough to touch - but not quite touching, not yet. Two more days just… wasn’t enough time. Kate wanted more - wanted Eva every damn minute of every day. Wanted to hold her close and never let go. Wanted to grab her and drag her onto a ship and just leave, live forever in the stars, just the two of them.

But they couldn’t.

“You know,” Eva said thoughtfully, slipping her hand into Kate’s, “I spent so long avoiding a marriage alliance with Luna. But now, when it’s no longer necessary, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”

Kate lightly nudged her. “Stop that.”

“It’s a shame you can’t blush.” Eva leaned over and brushed a light kiss against Kate’s temple. “I’m not saying I didn’t mean it, though.”

Kate bit their lip and rolled her eyes.

“I have something for you.”

“I swear to fuck, it had better not be an engagement ring,” Kate threatened.

Eva grinned mischieviously and stepped back, kneeling on one knee.

Kate crossed their arms, tamping down the flutter in her stomach. “Eva-”

“I’ve been waiting a long time to give this to you.”

“Eva, wait-”

Eva pulled her hand from behind her back, revealing a small metal foot. A cluster of wires stuck up from the cavity, and the whole thing had smudges of grease.

“I hate you,” Kate muttered.

“Are you, like, disappointed?” Eva asked. “Because if you want, I bet Luna has some great jewelry stores-”

“Shut up.” Kate took the cyborg foot from her, studying it. It was so familiar, yet so foreign. “Why the hell do you even have this?”

“I don’t know, really. I kinda wondered…” Eva went a little bit pink. “I thought maybe if I could find the cyborg who fit this foot, it would be a sign we were meant for each other? But then I realized it would probably only fit an eight-year-old.”

“Eleven.”

“Close enough.” She bit her lip. “But really, I just… it was all I had when I thought you were- when I thought I’d never see you again. I couldn’t let you go that easily.”

Kate studied it for another moment, then glanced up at Eva, one eyebrow raised. “Why are you still kneeling?”

“You’ll have to get used to people kneeling to you. Happens a lot when you’re royalty,” Eva said, standing up.

Kate reached for her hand. “Maybe I should make a rule that the proper way to address your monarch is with a high-five.”

“Genius. I’m gonna do that too.”

Kate stepped closer, just an inch from Eva’s face. “Maybe I’ll also make a rule that the proper way for the queen of Luna to greet the empress of the Eastern Commonwealth is a kiss.”

“Even better.” Eva kissed them, and Kate reveled in it, in the feeling of finally, unapologetically loving Eva the way she wanted to love her, and being loved back just as much. ��Although,” Eva murmured as they broke apart, “I doubt it’d be relevant in a hundred years or so. Might be a bit awkward.”

“Actually, about that…” Kate led Eva to the edge of the room and sat down, both of them dangling their legs over the edge of the balcony, over Artemisia Lake. “Can I ask your opinion on something?”

“Anything.”

“I think…” Kate took a deep breath. “I want to dissolve the Lunar monarchy.”

Eva didn’t react with horror or surprise, just smiled and put an arm around Kate and said, “When?”

“Not now. That’s too much of a change, too soon after… you know.” Kate leaned into Eva’s side. “But once things have settled down, started getting better. When I think Luna can handle a change in power. As soon as possible. I don’t- I can’t risk another Levana.” They hesitated. “Or another Channary.”

Eva pressed a kiss into her hair. “It won’t be easy. The people will be pissed. And they have that whole superstition. But you’re right. Luna needs a checks and balances system.”

Kate breathed a sigh of relief and snuggled even closer. “Okay. Thank you.”

“So what are you planning to do after you abdicate?”

Kate blinked. “Oh- I guess I hadn’t really thought that far ahead? Maybe Farrah would want a full time mechanic.”

“Or…” Eva rubbed Kate’s shoulder. “You could come stay in the Eastern Commonwealth as an ambassador. A show of good faith. Prove Luna and Earth can work together, side by side.”

“And be with you?”

“And be with me,” Eva agreed.

Kate considered it. “I think the Eastern Commonwealth hates me.”

“Hates you? You saved them from Levana. I think there’s a toy company that wants to make action figures of you, and Torin just showed me an article suggesting a statue where your booth used to be at the market.”

Kate shuddered.

Eva smiled and kissed the spot right next to Kate’s eye. “I promise, if you decide to come back, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.” She pressed her lips against Kate’s hair. “And if you want to come to the Annual Peace Ball next year, you’ll have hundreds of people begging to take you.”

“Oh, God.”

“I thought I might as well get my name on the list now. Maybe I’ll even have time to teach you to dance.”

Kate tried not to smile.

“Please say yes?”

Kate pretended to consider it. “Do I have to wear a dress?”

“Not if you don’t want to.”

“Maybe I’ll come in cargo pants.”

“I’d be so okay with that.”

Kate made a little humming noise. “Can I bring my friends?”

“Absolutely. I’ll extend a personal invitation to the entire crew.”

“Even Reese? Because there’s a rule against androids coming to the ball.”

“I might know someone who can change that rule.”

Kate couldn’t resist a smile. Going back to the ball, facing all those people who’d so openly hated them for years, should’ve sounded terrifying, but the idea of doing it with Eva sounded perfect. “Yes, I’ll go to the ball with you.”

“What about those dance lessons?”

“Mm, I wouldn’t push your luck if I were you.”

“Fair enough.” They kissed again, and Kate sighed against Eva’s lips, tired but happy.

Eva pulled away eventually and pressed her forehead against Kate’s. “Katie, I know- you’re a great ruler already. You’ll be even better till you abdicate. But… I know you never really wanted this.”

Kate chose to stay quiet.

“But… maybe, one day… would you consider being an empress?”

The silence hung in the air, but wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable.

“Maybe,” Kate eventually assented. “One day.”

Maybe meant yes, and both of them knew it.

Eva was right - Kate didn’t want to be a ruler. Didn’t want to be in that position of power, making real decisions that impacted real people. But Kate did want Eva, more than anything, and Eva came with an entire country, whether or not Kate liked it. And Eva was worth it. Eva was worth anything.

Kate leaned against Eva’s chest and looked back down at the foot. This too small foot had hurt for years, had made it hard to walk, and had represented everything Kate hated about being cyborg. It had never done anything but make Kate feel like shit.

Kate held the cyborg foot over the shining water of Artemisia Lake and let go.

#we are the tigers #the lunar chronicles #kate dalton #eva sanchez #kateva #blood tw #gun tw #stabbing tw #hospital rooms tw #death tw #parents tw #ask to tag #again: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me if i missed anything #anyways i love them so much #they deserve the world

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ziracona · 4 years

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Hi! I just realised I havn't popped in in awhile. Do you have any headcanons u feel like sharing about the newer survivors?? (I love them all, they're so cool but I think imma have to say cheryl is my bby gurl. she's tired. let her rest.) also. i am. going insane. from a toothache :) - Sleepy

Hey! Hope your tooth pain clears up! I’m so sorry—that’s one of the worst. : /

Hmmm, I do, but I’m trying to think of ones I haven’t said in asks before. 😬 Unfortunately my memory of fictional characters is great, and my memory of what I said in asks is shitty. :’-]

I don’t know the newer survivors—except Nancy and Steve—as well as I do the older ones, because I’ve never written them, and I haven’t played Silent Hill. I like Zarina, Yui, and Cheryl a lot though. Poor fkn Cheryl can join Quentin in the “Please God, just one good day?” Existence. Rip to them both. 😭

Poor kid gets out of hell once, and ya throw her back in. :’-]

Let’s see—headcanon I am fairly sure I haven’t already shared. I think Yui and Min would get along really well, and Jane and Zarina would too.

Yui hates the serial killers especially, from her own personal experience, and goes to bat hard against them every time.

Ash flirts with everyone to a point it’s even more than Ace does, and for a while it becomes a competition between them to see who can flirt more and better than the other (not in a shitty way—everybody knows they have the competition going on and it’s more a ‘I can act better than you’ than a ‘I can win more hearts’ one.) Ace is declared the winner in class, Ash the winner in sheer quantity he’s able to churn out, and they agree to call it a semi-draw. It’s actually a really fun week for everyone, because they’re all constantly being complemented and flirted with in a way they know is performative and seeks 0 real actions from them in return, so essentially they are just showererd with ‘drunk girl in a bar bathroom’ levels of praise for seven days.

Felix and Nancy are the only two with significant others waiting back home, and they bond over talking about their wife/boyfriend and sharing stories and having someone around who understands that specific brand of pain and can encourage them that they’ll make it back home.

Tapp is a dad, so he gives Felix a lot of advice on stuff since he was an expecting father. Not so much “do this” advice, since his relationship with his family didn’t go so well, and he feels like he’s in absolutely no position to teach—more like “It’s okay. Women have been giving birth for thousands of years. She’s gonna make it just fine even if you’re not home yet, and you’ll get back to them. And I’m gonna teach you some of the tricks so you’ll be ready when you do. You can even surprise her by already knowing how to change a diaper and warm a formula bottle. I’ll show you how to do it,” and talking him through some of the stuff he would have been able to learn from infant care books. It’s sweet, but Tapp almost dies when Jane says its “Very heartwarming” and teases him, so they cut him some slack. Felix is really appreciative. Laurie has taken care of a ton of kids, and gives him some advice too, and so does Nancy, who had two younger siblings.

Steve is a disaster who suffers from “I like you and you are a girl, so *pigeon meme* Is this falling in love?” syndrome. Gets shot down hard by Laurie, who is ridiculously pissed at him for bringing it up during a trial when their lives are on the line, but after he gets over being super awkward around her, and she reaches out to be like, ‘Look, dumbass, why did you even like me?’ And he’s like ‘...because you’re, uh, really cool? A-and pretty? And...’ and eventually she’s like ‘Buddy, you don’t even really know me. You’re just lonely. You’re not in love with me, you just want to be, because you want to be in love with somebody, and that’s not gonna cut it, for me, or anyone. Be in love with a person—not with the concept of being in love. And for that to happen, you have to know them first.” And since Steve is good af self-improvement, he realizes she’s got a real point, and tries to find his worth outside of needing a girlfriend, and becomes both a lot happier, and one of Laurie’s closer friends. (Side note—this extends probably only to my initial Steve ideas. I had the idea batted around that in that universe, Stranger Things /is/ an existing show, but it’s based on a mix of urban legend and history from the 80s, and Nancy and Steve are the version from the actual 80s, and I think in that pitch Steve is dating Barb, who is still alive, and already worked through this specific issue, because many things happened differently for wild comedic ‘But in the show’ effect, becuase both them repeatedly going “WELL REALITY WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT” when like, monster hunting shit from the show won’t work on the Demogorgan, and *Spit take* “THEY HAD ME HIT ON ROBIN?” “Ewwww” “YEAH ewww! She’s basically my lesbian little sister! We’ve been best friends since grade school! What the fuck :’-]” make for amazing joke potential. )

Cheryl starts having nightmares where she sees things from the Entity’s eyes she was never meant to see, and finding out dangerous amounts of information this way. The Entity decides at some point this is too big a threat, but because it’s proud, it doesn’t want to just kill her, as that would be admitting a human is a threat, so it starts having killers gun for her mercilessly to try to get her to give up, and the poor girl is in agony.

Zarina documents stuff form the realm constantly, and has a careful scrapbook collection of all notes and paraphernalia from past survivors. She also keeps conspiracy pages tacked together trying to figure out who they were becuase they deserve at least the justice of people somehow knowing how they died and what they went through. Laurie is a big help with this, and so is Claudette, who has been keeping stuff for a long time.

Yui is very no-nonsense, and protective. She gives off strong big sister vibes. She especially also loves board games/puzzles/other games like Shogi or Go and such, and Dwight and Adam create game pieces for her to play Go with when she mentions how much she used to like that kind of thing, and Yui is incredibly touched, and makes several other ones for people to play with too, and it becomes a very enjoyed pastime between trials. It’s engaging and competitive, but much more relaxed and low energy than sports or training or going for a run, so it’s a great alternative. Meg gets super into making puzzles, and all the artists do too, and take turns painting pictures on boards, cutting them into puzzle pieces with extreme painstakingly slow care, and then doing puzzles together. Jake is invaluable in the actual cutting pieces out area, but actually enjoys to do it.

Felix knows a lot more than anyone else about the Entity when he’s taken, so he spends a bunch of time with the research team trying to recall whatever he can from his childhood and sharing any information he has, then just stays on it because he wants to. He’s desperate to meet Benedict Baker someday himself, becuase that man seems to get around, and he really wants to know what happend to his father.

Everyone becomes protective as fuck of Cheryl when the Entity starts targeting her, and someone—I think Kate and or Meg—probably both together—as a one-off joke call themselves her knights at some point, becuase they’re running such dedicated protection detail, but it becomes a whole thing, and several more start to do it. They’ll like ‘fist clasped arm across chest at attention, quick bow’ when they see her, and it’s goofy as fuck, but it helps a lot making Cheryl’s reality more bearable. Plus, it’s really sweet. Nea gets in on this and comes back one day with a little daisy chain she made cause she was bored, sees Cheryl, it clicks, runs over and offers it as a ‘favor’. Zarina sees and comes back later that day from a trial and kneels and presents Cheryl with a rescued toolbox with a brand new part. This becomes increasingly common and extravagant, and Cheryl /cannot/ deal, but it’s like, genius, becuase it takes exactly this level of surreal goofy friend bullshit to distract from the hell she is living. She ends up just regularly having someone come back from a trial or trip to the woods, salute with an arm across their chest, bow, and present her with anything from a pinecone or pretty rock, to flowers or a medkit, to a salt statue or key, to a painting or hand made bracelet, to a makeshift weapon or a pillow. Everyone always tries to outdo each other, so the gifts tend to be extravagant. Zarina considers herself Cheryl’s righthand woman/personal knight by chocie, because she wanted a cause to fight for and has found one she truly loves, and she makes Cheryl her favorite gift so far, coming up to her at the end of a long day, after a very bad trial where Cheryl was mercilessly and slowly killed by the Pig, kneeling, and offering a thick shard of stained glass from the chapel, made sturdy and held in place with a few chunks of soldered and wrapped iron along the blade and down the grip, forming a razor sharp and reinforced stained glass knife.

#ask #Sleepy #headcanons #dead by daylight #dbd

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gyllen-haall · 4 years

Text

Request: Shance, with space dad Shiro and space mom Lance helping pidge out with advice on Allura.

Another request! To be honest, I didn't like the beginning of this fic but I really liked writing the ending. I seriously need to stop writing requests at 3 am, but please enjoy it!

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Lance gently applied more pressure to his lover's shoulders, slowly kneading out the knots in tense muscles there. Slowly rolling his hands in soothing motions as his lover hummed in approval underneath him.

The door to the lounge opened, and Pidge walked in, looking so on edge and emotional that Lance's heart clenched at the sight. He tapped the side of his lover's neck twice and Shiro immediately sat up, following Lance's gaze to the girl.

The couple had a mental list of certain gestures that had come naturally to the pair when they needed to tell the other something quickly and discreetly. Two taps anywhere on the body, meant that something was wrong and needed the others full attention.

Both older men had a soft spot for Pidge, she was the youngest out of all of them, only being 16 after a year in space. She was wicked smart, but her temper and inability to always think things through reflected on how young she actually was, but sometimes the pair could swear that she handled things better than the rest of them.

Pidge stood there awkwardly, not wanting to ask for comfort or affection in case she seemed needy. Yet Lance just smiled softly, understanding what she wanted as he pulled the young girl into his arms, before Shiro quickly brought the duo into his lap.

"Guys...I need help."

Her voice came out exhausted, the type of tone that shouldn't belong to someone of her age. The brunette just tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and rubbed gentle circles into the young girl's lower back as she fidgeted with her sleeves.

"Anything Kate," the eldest said, using her real name became a comforting or silent supportive action that let her know they were listening and cared. She perked up immediately and huddled closer into both men's arms.

"Recently, Allura has been very distant…and almost hesitant? I guess. I just...can't get her to do anything with me. Like, she barely talks to me anymore...and I don't know what happened or what I did to make her act like that."

The eldest sighed, Allura was a complicated and very particular person. She is very caring but can also get so obsessed with something, that it blocks her ability to empathize or understand where the others are coming from.

"She's probably just scared," Lance blurted out, deep in thought while two sets of eyes locked onto him. He shook his head and looked at the pidge, almost completely forgetting that Shiro was literally right next to him.

"When I first started my relationship with Shiro," he started, seemingly a lot more shy and vulnerable than the Lance they knew, "I was almost in this state of constant euphoria. It was great and he was perfect, I couldn't ask for anything more."

He failed to notice Shiro's slowly darkening cheeks as he continued, "But I thought things were almost too good to be true. Like maybe I'd been overlooking something or I'd eventually mess it up, like I do all things…."

A small hand intertwined with the brunettes as the youngest stared up at him with sad eyes. He just smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to her head as Shiro continued staring at him, so attentive and focused that he'd probably break a blood vessel.

"So I started pushing him away. I was so worried that I'd mess things up, that I stopped thinking about how happy we were. I forced myself to distance myself from him so that when he did break up with me, it wouldn't hurt so much."

"Or maybe she just doesn't want you to get hurt," a deep voice beside Lance said, "maybe she's just worried that something will happen to her, and she wants to protect you as much as she can."

Blue eyes trained on his lover, they'd worked through their insecurities and made up for their faults. Yet that didn't make it any easier when actually talking about the fears that still nagged at the back of their heads.

"I know I do," Shiro said just above a whisper.

"But that's not her decision!"

Pidge stared up at the gray eyed male with determination clear in her eyes. Her hands were tightening within lances own and he could see her getting increasingly emotional.

"She can't protect me, I'll do what I want to and she needs to accept that risk. We all do, because any day now we could be gone and I want to savor the most of it."

Lance nodded against Shiro's shoulder and saw those gorgeous stormy eyes clouding in thought. Pidge had tears in her eyes but there was a fire burning behind them, "I need to tell her this, because I don't want to waste anymore time on something like this. I want my last memories of her to be happy and warm."

"You two really are the space mom and dad," pidge said underneath her breath as Lance and Shiro both reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes. Lance getting the left with Shiro got the right, before they both leaned in to press a kiss to her cheeks.

Pidge just giggled before she made her way toward the door before she looked back, "I'll tell you how it goes." Lance sat with a small smile as pidge raced off to go tell her lover her new found revaluation.

The brunette sat against the older man's chest and sighed, something heavy and sad resting over him that he couldn't shake.

"You can't protect me from everything you know," Lance said as he pressed gentle kisses to each of Shiro's knuckles. A deep sigh came from behind him, accompanied by arms tightening around his waist as a kiss was planted on his head.

"I know," came the quiet reply, "but you can't keep questioning your place in my life. I love you and only you, so stop thinking that you're not good enough for me. I'm not going anywhere Lance," he said as he pressed his hand against the engagement ring that Lance wore around his neck.

It wasn't that they didn't want their team to know about their engagement, but it was nice to keep some privacy about their relationship. Lance turned around softly to press a chaste kiss to his lovers lips, which the other quickly deepened. Shiro nipped at Lance's bottom lip as the brunette's soft hands traveled underneath his shirt to enclose on the similar ring that Shiro also wore around his neck.

"You'd make a wonderful father you know," Lance said as he pulled away, still staying in the sweet embrace of his lover. Shiro seemed to ponder the thought before he smiled and trailed kisses down Lances neck, "and you'd make a wonderful mother."

The blue eyed male rolled his eyes at his fiance's teasing tone but didn't object, he knew the minute he started dating Shiro that he'd play the wife in their relationship. "Damn right I would, but I'm not going to stay home all day and cook you dinner when you get home like a housewife." Shiro pulled Lance in for another kiss which soon failed because they couldn't stop smiling.

"But my love," shiro cooed into the crook of Lances neck before he lowered his voice, "I could totally come home to you in nothing but an apron and push you up against the counter-"

Lances hand enclosed over his mouth as the brunettes cheeks turned a pretty shade of red. As much as Lance flirted, he was more shy when it came to being flirted back at or anything sexual which Shiro found absolutely adorable.

Shiro licked Lance's hand and the brunette quickly squeaked as he pulled his now saliva covered palm away with a weak glare before he was being barraged with wet kisses and roaming fingers which were more teasing than anything sexual.

"Takashi, bad!" The brunette cried out as Shiro's hands roamed up from his hips to tickle his side's. The older man finally let go when Lance was getting teary eyed from laughing so hard, sitting up as he straddled the brunettes thighs.

"You used my real name," shiro said with a bright smile, he had been urging Lance to call him his real name everywhere instead of just in private. Lance has been hesitant because he didn't want the others to get jealous because Shiro only allowed Lance to call him that.

The younger male drummed his fingers against Shiro's hips, flushing gently at being called out. "I'm sorry! Wait, you want me to call you that! That's good, uh, I'm rambling aren't I? If something could just swallow me up and kill me right now, that'd be great." The brunette said as he covered his beet red face with his hands from embarrassment while Shiro laughed above him.

He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lovers cheek after he pried Lances hands away. "You're too cute," shiro said lovingly as Lance's ears quickly matched the rest of his face. "I am not," said Lance, which came out weak to even his ears.

Shiro hummed as he pulled Lance up into his lap, he was the luckiest man in the world he thought as he looked at Lance to see pure affection and love swirling in those gorgeous blue eyes. "I love you more than anything," he said as he leaned their foreheads together and pressed lance closer to him.

"My love for you is immeasurable, Takashi."

The couple stayed there contentedly, basking in the silence and intimacy of the moment. It was that moment, that they knew that as long as they had each other, everything would be okay.

#shance #voltron

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scapingfromchoices · 5 years

Text

We are together, my love [Aisha x M Trans! Oc ; Evan] PT. 1/2

I just entered the college. I'm not good enough to be here, to be honest, but my father told me I'm a strong girl. I don't want to be called "girl" but it was my parents desire.

I'm in front of the building, watching how people come and go. I'm feeling so out of the scene. Everyone seems to have something to do. I sigh. I don't know why I'm here. Are my drawings that good? I start to walk, reading my schedule.

—Okay... Now... I need some--

I feel how everything in my bag falls. My books, notebooks, drawings...

—Shit, this can't be worse.

I stop, leaning to take my things.

"Well done, Kate, well done". I murmur while everyone ignores my presence there. Finally, all my belongings are in my bag again and I walk to my class.

Looking like a criminal, I sit behind everyone. I don't like to be the center of attention.

The professor enters in the room and smiles.

At least he's not bad looking.

—Good morning, class. I'm Aiden Bhatt. I'm your new teacher this year.

People start to murmur. I can overhear how some boys says he's gay or how some girls comment he's so handsome, but too feminine to be a man. Assholes.

He smiles to the people in the room and starts talking about the rules in his hours of classes. After that, he starts to say our names to see if we are punctual or in the classroom.

—Frederick?

—Yes, sir.

—Hellen?

—Here.

—Kate?

I raise my voice nervously and I scream like those anime characters.

—HERE.

Everyone stares at me and I blush, looking away.

—Kate, you don't need to yell. I see you.

He laughs sweetly. I don't know what I felt, but hearing him doing it, gave me so many years of life. Could someone be so cute?

—I'm... Sorry.

I see him smiling to me. Oh shit, here we go again, my fucking ass falling for someone older than me.

—Don't worry. You're nervous. I get it. I was in the same situation in my first day as a teacher. Then other people showed me how to be confident and well, I'm here, right?

He smiles again. Oh come on, just stop. I can't get over smiles. They are my weakness.

After some hour in class, the break finally came. I was exhausted trying to not look at Aiden. Why nobody told me professors in colleges are so gorgeous?

I sit alone in a bench, reading some people talking about their gender identity. Everytime I feel like I don't want this body. I look at the mirror and when I see my chest, my head really tell me that I'm horrible. When I hear my voice... Shit, what the hell? What am I? I need to talk with someone or I'll become crazy. But then again, why am I afraid? Is it a crime want to be happy? I sigh, trying not to cry, then, I feel a hand in my shoulder.

—No, I'm not selling some stupid stuff--

—Oh, what a shame, I wanted to buy you some time to talk.

I look behind me, seeing my teacher smiling to me. God? Is that you? Why is he talking to me? Alone? In this bench? Is he going to tell me I'm already out of his class? Okay, Kate, relax.

—Aiden... I didn't want to say--

He just laughs and sits along my side. Was his smile always that beautiful? I mean, look at him...

—Don't worry. Why are you here? Don't you have friends? Or someone to talk?

Is he worried about me? Oh my God, he is!

—I just got here. My parents told me I needed to go Hartfeld to study... Since is the most prestigious college.

—I see.

—But I don't want to be here! I wanted to go to--

—You don't want to be here? So you don't want to see me?

I stare at him confused. Is he trying to flirt? Because it's working.

I blush deeply.

—I-- No. I mean, I want to see you. You're so gorgeous and you smile-- I... I mean... Yes, I want to see you.

He laughs again. Damnit, stop. You're going to kill me...

—Relax, relax. It was a joke. I guess.

I sigh. I need to talk to him. I don't know why, but he is the first person who cares about me.

—Aiden... Did you ever... have some doubts about yourself? I mean, your identity?

He looks at me surprised.

—Yes...

—And how do you feel about that?

—Not so good.

—I... I'm sorry. I didn't have to ask you that.

I stand and I star running. Ugh, I'm so stupid. Why did I ask him that?

...

Few weeks later, I keep sitting alone in a bench, keeping in touch with gender identity. Chella Man... That man really has some guts. I think I know what is this. I'm transgender. And I need to tell it to my parents.

Today's Sunday. They're not working so I'm sure they're at home. I call them. I wait to hear my mother's voice and when she is in the phone, I start taking.

—Good morning, mother.

—Good morning, Kate. Having problems?

—Oh no, I just called to check on you...

—Right...

I sigh.

—Okay... Do you remember when I was just a kid? My clothes were always so boyish.

—Of course I remember. Your father always told me it was a problem.

—Well, I was searching for some information about that. I mean, I always wanted to be like a boy.

—Yes...

—Well, I think I'm transgender.

Silent falls. I can hear my mother breathing.

—I already knew that.

Wait, what? She knew? What? Since when? I'm shocked.

—You... knew?

—Of course, dummy. I'm your mother.

—I... Aren't you disappointed?

—Why? You're my blood. My little boy now, I love you no matter what. Your father will be hard to tell, but I'm sure he will love you.

—Thanks...

...

Aiden visits me in the break. We talk about some stupid stuff and sometimes I think we really connected. I don't know if he has forgot that conversation the other day. I don't care if some people say he's gay. It has been a while since we first met. I really think I have fell in love with him. I feel so right with him. He makes me laugh. He can protect me and he always helps me. Sometimes I feel that Aiden might be in love with me, but those feelings are always a mistake. He's my teacher. It's so cliche, I know. I saw those stupid romantic stories about the forbidden love because they were just a professor and his student. I always thought those films were trash, but it's happening to me. I have fallen in love with my teacher...

I'm not complaining. He's the real catch. Smart, funny, sweet, good looking... God, I'm so lucky.

—So tell me, Kate. The other day you told me something about your gender identity.

Oh shit. Did he needed to talk about that?

—Yes. I remember. Why?

—Did you talk with your parents?

I sigh loudly. I did, but just with my mother...

—Yes. My mother said she loves me.

He smiles. I will never be tired of it. Hell, I love his smile... I love him.

—That's really reassuring. It will be a shame. You're the sweetest person ever.

I blush.

—Aiden, I need to tell you something.

—Go ahead.

—I will start my transition tomorrow...

—Oh! That's fantastic. What's your name, then?

I laugh. He's really a good man.

—You can call me Evan.

—Okay, Evan.

—That's not everything. I will go to an art school. My mother convinced my father to let me go. The next week I will be attending it.

He looks at me sadly. It's the first time I see him not smiling while he watches me.

—You... are leaving?

—Yes. I'm sorry Aiden. This is not my place.

He sighs.

—It's good to know you will be happy now.

—I... Need to tell you something really important, again.

—Go ahead.

—I...

The moment I want to talk, my head blocks me. I'm nervous. I don't want to say it. I don't want to leave this knowing he is hating me.

—I will miss you.

I finally say that. He looks disappointed. Was he waiting for another thing?

—I will miss you, too.

...

—Evan! You're late again!

—I'm going!

I was dreaming about that again. About my first encounter with that man. I fell in love with him and I'm still in love with him. The only thing thaf mattered to me in that college was him. I really miss him. This art school is the best, but without him, nothing can make me forgot him. Shit, why I have to fell in love with my fucking teacher?

—Are you coming?

—Wait! I'm searching for my other shoe.

—We are late to the party! Aisha's gonna be mad at me!

—Aisha can wait, Ken!

I sigh deeply. I don't know who that Aisha is, but my friend a.k.a my stupid roommate didn't stop talking about her. I know he has boyfriend, but sometimes I feel he is falling for her. I laugh at that. It's impossible, he's so gay to do that.

Finally, I put my shoe and I run to the door. Ken is waiting for me, talking with his boyfriend.

—I didn't know he was coming.

—Oh, don't worry, mate, he's just driving us to the party.

I look at them, amusingly.

—But nothing about kisses, okay?

They laugh.

—We can't make any promises.

After a short ride, we are in front of a big building. How that girl can have this? It's huge...

We enter, admiring the walls, the floor, basically, everything. Suddenly, a female voice comes from the stairs.

—Ken! Viktor! You are here! And you brought some company.

I look at her. Did I see her before. She's so familiar to me... Anyway. She is beautiful. That short died hair, her smile... Her muscles... God, those arms. Damnit.

She walks approaching to me. She stares at me during some long seconds and she takes my hand.

—Nice to meet you! I'm Aisha and you are...?

I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? Ugh, my bisexual ass is fucking showing.

—I... I'm Evan.

Suddenly, she open her eyes surprised. What's happening? Did I say something wrong?

—Aisha? Are you okay?

She blinks repeatedly.

—Ah, yes. I'm... okay.

She keeps staring at me, until Ken breaks the moment.

—Okay, Aisha, while you talk with Evan, I'm gonna check the drinks.

—Right, check.

Aisha and I talk at the same time.

—You really know Ken, don't you?

She asks me sweetly. I nod and laugh.

—Four years with him. Enough time to get to know someone.

—Since you are the new guy here, I'll show you the house. Stay with me or you'll get lost.

—Then I'll be in your side. My sense of direction is not really good.

We walk through the house, talking about the rooms, sometimes about our classes. She's a girl from second year. I never saw her, but well, I guess we haven't got the chance to meet before.

—So, do you like it?

I nod. The building is really beautiful, not to mention the girl with me. Shit, I wanted to be loyal to Aiden, but I can't. This girl really has something. Damnit Kim! Why are you so stupid.

—Of course. It's like a castle. But how did you get it. I mean, art school students are known to be "not so rich".

She laughs loudly. Oh God... She sounds like Aiden. Wait, did I become crazy or I'm obsessed with him. Whatever, I can't say no to a gorgeous girl.

—My parents are some famous people. They are known as the greatest-- Well, they're famous.

—Oh, sorry. I didn't want to...

—Don't worry.

She smiles at me. Wait, wait. That smile... Aiden! What did you do to me? I see you in every place I visit.

—I... Aisha...

—Yes?

—Do you like men? I mean, you know, to date them.

Wait, Evan. What the hell? Why did you ask that to her? Are you insane? Evan, you're stupid, stupid, stupid--

—Not really. I don't find them attractive, except you.

Wait, what? She finds me attractive?

—You do?

—Of course, Evan. I always found you attractive.

Always? What is she talking about? Right! You dumbass, she's the person you were thinking of all this time. She's the person who talked with you in the breaks. The person who made you feel special. She's the person. She is. You were in love and you still are, with her. With Aisha. No, wait, not with Aisha, just with the person. You don't care about it. You just love them. How I did not recognize her?

—You... You... I... Missed you!

I hug her, sobbing like a little boy. Oh my God. That person... Is here...

—Aisha... Aisha, I love you. I have not told you that because I was afraid of your answer. I thought you were going to ditch me or something...

She laughs, taking my hand.

—I could never do that. I fell in love with you. Just with you. Not with a man, not with a woman, just you. Just the person you are, Evan.

I can feel how I want to yell, scream. I'm so happy. Did I really find the love of my life? She's right there. She's smiling to me, saying she loves me...

—Aisha... Do you want to go out with me? I mean, we can try to be a couple--

—Don't worry, Evan. I want to be your girlfriend.

She just kisses me. Sweet and tenderly, feeling her heart pounding. Feeling her smile taking my lips. I can really say that now, I'm really happy.

Okay, now so many people will come to hate this fic. Well, hear me, they fell in love with each other before starting their transition. But not with their gender, just fell in love with them. So that's why when they met again, they don't care about their gender, they just love each other. And don't say that's impossible because I was witness of it. A lesbian couple where one of them was a trans man. The other girl didn't ditch him cos she loved him. You know, I say it in that form just because I need you to understand So, i hope you can see what this fic means. Good night.

By the way, if you see some typos, I'm so sorry. My mother language is not English so maybe you'll see some of them. Lol.

tagging @pen-bandit and @lilyofchoices because they're the sweetest two persons I have ever met.

and @griffinshoodie because he is my trans buddy.

#playchoices #pixelberry #choices stories we play #choices stories you play #choices #pixelberry studios #bachelorette party #aisha bhatt #transgender #aisha x mc #choices fanfic #fanfic

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aminellelia-blog · 6 years

Text

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*

#fiftyshadessucks #fiftyshadesofgreysucks #anti fifty shades of grey #parody #fiftyshadesofgreyparody

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wouldadepressedpersonmakethis · 6 years

Text

tier i

When a sorcerer kidnapped and murdered the Queen of ____________, the King went full psycho and had all of the sorcerers in the kingdom put to death b/c he deemed them to be a danger to society ... even though they had lived in harmony up until that point.

There’s basically three different groups ATP, seventeen years later. There are those who agree w/ the King and believe that sorcerers are too powerful and dangerous and should be killed.

Those who believe that there are good and bad sorcerers, just as there are good and bad people and that they, as a whole, do not deserve to be persecuted for the sins of others

Those who believe that sorcerers should rule and that normal people are inferior to them. Some want them to suffer as they have.

EMILY BLUNT (taken by kate aa) new Queen of a country divided, knows she needs to unite them, somehow!!!! murdered her father for the throne, over the years, he’d been driven insane w/ grief over his dead wife, michelle never believed, even as a child, that his extreme way of dealing with the problem was the answer, since then she saw him grow more and more unreasonable and the only way she could save her people was to kill her dad! was NOT an easy thing for her to do, despite this, and the guilt weighs heavily on her, always wanted to be queen but nOT like this, was born and bred to put her country before anYTHING ELSE, being a woman, she wasn’t the first in line (even though she was the eldest), recently discovered that she is a sorceress but has told no one, unsure of her abilities! her new discovery has only made her even more determined to resolve the persecution of her people but she knows that she is on thin ice! many people already suspect her of fowl play re: her father and brother and she needs all the support she can get to make any real change, her younger brother was next in line but she didn’t have faith in him, either: he had always been irresponsible and impulsive, didn’t have it in her to kill him but instead cast a spell upon him so that he does not remember who he is and exiled him to the furthest reaches of her kingdom, everyone believes that he is dead, michelle is the first queen to ever rule w/o a husband, means to abolish the law that she needs a man by her side but she knows that most of the country would see the throne pass to her uncle vs. see her sit the throne alone, that being said, she realizes that she may need to compromise to keep her position ... she is currently hosting LEONARDO DICAPRIO, a king from her neighboring nation, with the prospect of forming an alliance w/ him

CHARLES DANCE (reserved by kate aa) uncle to mdocks, suspects that she murdered his brother and/or nephew, pretends to harbor a great love for his older brother now that he’s dead (even though he considered killing him, himself, for the throne) means to prove that mdocks killed him (whether it is true or not) plans to prove that her sisters were in on it, too and seize the throne for himself (or at least, implicate keira knightley. he is confident that he could easily rule through alexis bledel).

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY (taken by lizzy) - princess, witty, clever, flirtatious, impulsive, loves to have fun! can def be a little self-centered, upset over the death of her father and brother but pretends that she’s fine!!!!!!! (she isn’t) engaged to toby stephens, would have hATED that idea a few years ago but now she knows that her sister needs all the support she can get and an alliance with stephens would be a good thing!!!!!! also hopes that her marriage with stephens might be enough to spare alexis having ot marry at all!!!!!! alexis is the (1) person that she consistently thinks of before herself!!! once secretly had a thing with matthias but when he asked her to run away with him, she literally laughed in his face???!? and was like haha as if i’m a princess and ur nothing???? but tbh afterwards realized how much she loved him but now she’s lost him so that’s fun!!!! pretends she doesn’t care about that, too, but that’s not true at all!!!1

ALEXIS BLEDEL (open) - princess, beth march vibes! super sweet and kind but quiet and shy!!! has severe social anxiety!!!!!!! would rather die than talk to you!!!! only feels comfortable around her sisters, knows that the alliance with xavier sameuls is her duty but tbh marrying him (or anyone) terrifies her!!!!!!!!!!!! wishes she was braver like her sisters, doesn’t realize the strength she does has!!!! thinks she’s worthless a lot of the time, super talented!!!! with the piano and drawing and singing (altho she doesn’t like to sing for anYONE) needs a self confidence boost!! likes animals more than people, her uncle scares her

DAVID OAKES (taken by lizzy)- son and heir of one of the wealthiest families, probably a noble, def a womanizer and terrible flirt, doesn’t have a filter and doesn’t care to get one anytime soon, the bane of his father’s existence, hates his parents and his sister but would DIE for julian morris in a heart beat, can be a real asshole!!!!! will say mean things to your face, says it is because he’s just That Honest but really its only because it is easier for him to be mean than kind, alicia vikander’s social climbing father keeps trying to push her on him and honestly he would marry her in an instant!!! loves her spirit and her snark and basically everYTHING about her!!! she doesn’t love him back though and he doesn’t blame her, know she can do better, doesn’t stop him from flirting with her???? doesn’t honestly think anything will ever come of it, for sure doesn’t wanna force her

JESSICA CHASTAIN (open) sister to david oakes and julian morris, a PIECE OF WORK!!!! Extra™ secretly a sorceress (although how she keeps anything a secret is beyond me?!??!? about as subtle as avelina beaumont tbh) thinks her brothers are idiots, recently came into contact with mads mikkelson and is his #1 supporter, has become a spy for him (although again not sure how good she is b/c she isn’t subtle??!?!!) probably a little insane??? in love with michael fassbender dESPITE the fact that he is just a normal human, secretly trying to figure out to ~give~ him abilities so that they can be together in mad’s future world, wants to murder dominique mcelligott

JULIAN MORRIS (taken by kate aa) sweetheart!!!!!!! super caring and affectionate, a little awkward sometimes but tries his best, has feelings for hayley bennet but doesn’t know how to act around her, his family wants him to marry amanda seyfried. has always been a man of duty! so he’s trying to court her but his heart isn’t in it, brother to jessica chastain and david oakes, loves both of his siblings a lot!! definitely closer with david ... gets a little ??!? @ jessica sometimes but definitely thinks she’s harmless #facepalm

ALICIA VIKANDER (open) sister to tom hardy, middle class, father wants to marry her off to rich man??? possibly david oakes, hates the idea of marrying him!!! hates him tbh!!!!! best friends w/ joanna vanderholm/super protective of her! something of a lady during the day but a badass sorcerer hunter at night! in pursuit of mads mikkelson, super smart and capable!!! knows her father will disown her if she doesn’t marry but honestly doesn’t care???!? can take care of herself.

TOM HARDY (open) brother to alicia vikander, cynical/grumpy, speaks in grunts, hates the world, thinks most people aren’t good, his sister is one of the few exceptions to this rule, grew up educated/in the middle class and his father kept trying to get him to marry well/pushed him towards the two older staffords but tom honestly disliked both of them and definitely had nO intention of ever being a royal, sick to death of his father tbh and one day just picked up and leFT, looks like he will kill you but actually a cynical cinnamon roll, loyal only to himself and his sister, gun for hire, has no idea that his sister is a sorcerer hunter on the DL, knows she’s super capable but wouldn’t want her putting herself into danger, saves his money and hopes to be able to help his sister secure her freedom, doesn’t want her to ever have to marry to support herself! heart eyes @ louisa

RACHEL MCADAMS (open) - middle class, thief, con-artist, trying to catch leonardo’s attentions (but also his money), pretending to be a wealthy noblewoman from another country, in reality she is little the daughter of prostitute and a serial killer?

NICOLE KIDMAN (open) - upper class, was once an extremely sought after young lady, but she ran away with josh harnett against her father’s wishes, living with him in poverty was a huge culture shock but she was so happy!!!!!!! one day though, she came home to find her husband with blood on his hands ... he had killed his own brother in the line of duty. nicole knew that his brother would never harm a fly!!! and she couldn’t believe that josh was capable of doing such a thing. left him immediately and returned home!!!! since then, her father has been trying to marry her off properly ever since but no one wants her now that she’s been married and divorced. super sad. misses josh crowe every hour of every day. doesn’t know what she did to make him leave her

XAVIER SAMUELS (open) - upper class, brother to nicole kidman and amanda seyfried, enaged to alexis bledel, loves her a lot and always has tbh, honestly sees no downside to marrying her!!??? he knows that marrying a princess would bring honor and prestige to their family and he hopes that w/ that, would come more possibilities for nicole to remarry and be happy!!!

AMANDA SEYFRIED (open) - younger sister to nicole, a little spoiled but sweet, best friends with alexis bledel, they get along b/c amanda loves to talk and alexis loves to listen, talks up her brother a lot, hopes that alexis will marry him and they will be sisters!!!! knows her dad would like her to marry julian morris, has no interest in him at all!!!! finds him to be dull and boring. was initially irritated by james mcavoy flirting with her but has recently decided that she likes him, too. or at least, she is enjoying playing hard to get. acts like she loves julian morris to make him jealous.

MADS MIKKELSON (open) -a sorcerer who is trying to find all the other sorcerers to protect and train them and then basically enslave all ~normal~ humans while he rules the world and lets them live in the same fear and isolation as he’s lived his entire life!

LUPITA NYUNG’O (open) - direct poor, servant, secret sorceress, was discovered by mads mikkelson, basically adopted by him, he is training her!!! the first person in her life to treat her like a human!!! loves him so much!!!!!! was initially skeptical about his plans but has come around! he’s the best person she knows and she trusts him completely!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (taken by lizzy) insane!!!!! the WORST!!!! became king of his small country a few years ago and has already drained it of its resources!!!! has come to propose to michelle dockery! hoping that they will unite their two countries into one and she can help his country financially and he can help her but being a man at her side/allow her to rule. he honestly has no intention of letting her take the reigns but he will let her think whatever she likes until that point. infatuated with scarlett johannson and means to make her his mistress once he’s married.

JAMES MCAVOY (open) prince/brother to leonardo dicaprio, super flirty, has a dark sense of humor, thinks his family is The Worst, has a thing for amanda seyfried, keeps trying to flirt with her but she won’t give him the time of day ... which only encourages him even more, thinks he’s the greatest but he’s actually the worst, reckless! kind of an idiot sometimes, will probably die doing something stupid

CHARLIE HUNNAN (open) brother of dominique, in love with winona ryder!!!! has a will they/won’t they thing going on with her, tries not to give her the wrong idea but definitely does! loves her a lot but knows that what he does is dangerous and would never want to put her in harm’s way so he never means to ask her to marry him, lawyer, morally upright, believes in justice!!!!! will always do what he thinks is right, whatever the consequences,

DOMINIQUE MCELLIGOTT (taken by lizzy) middle class, secretly harbors sorcerers in her house w/ her bro, doesn’t believe that they are all!!! bad!!! people!!!! was supposed to marry daniel craig a few years ago but he suddenly???? just broke up with her for no reason??? definitely bitter about that … thinks she’s better off w/o him but still has a lot of feels??? bffs w/ scarlett johannson

JOSH HARTNETT (open) ruthless, cunning, full of hatred for those with magical abilities, was once married to nicole kidman but never thought he deserved her, hates everyone but her, hates himself more. eventually she left him after josh killed his own brother b/c he developed his powers, hates that her life has sucked since he left!!! hates what he did to her!!!!!!! has become even more reckless and brutal since the divorce. don’t cross him!!!!! tbh lowkey where he stands anymore re: sorcerers but also neEDS to believe that they are evil and dangerous otherwise he won’t be able to live with himself given what he did to his brother w/o a moment’s hesitation!

#victorian fantasy

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