#the examples provided were all just bad writing on brandon’s part

[moash]

this is such a good post and highlights something i find really interesting about brandon’s writing! this is a really good example of a writing technique brandon likes to employ called “bad writing.” writers typically use bad writing when they are incapable or unwilling to write something better. though the relationship was underdeveloped in wor, several characters in oathbringer comment on it being deeper and more intimate than any of the others that kaladin had. this is a brilliant subversion of the traditional writing advice “show, don’t tell,” where instead of showing us the relationship, brandon simply tells us it was there and mattered. he employs this subversion in a similar fashion when he states that moash was the only member of bridge four to treat kaladin as a man not a god, but he takes it a step further in this instance by having moash’s feelings later devolve into idolatry. since the previous treatment this change is meant to contrast is “told” instead of “shown,” we end up with another incredible example of “bad writing.” i find brandon’s use of bad writing to be really thoughtful and unique since he employs just enough “good writing” to keep your expectations up, so the full force of the “bad writing” moments hit to full effect! :)

#was gonna reply to an actual post but then decided i was being an asshole #but the post itself and all the comments were just like ''yea i don’t understand why fans think this'' when like #the examples provided were all just bad writing on brandon’s part #and also one comment that was like ''moash should have liked kaladin bc he gave him shards'' like as if there’s any kind of physical gift #you could possibly give someone to make them give up on seeking justice for a loved one #like incredibly simplistic and reductive #not gonna tag this. other than critical tags #sanderson critical #fan critical

[haveyoureadthisfantasybook]

Hello, how are your rules with controversial authors/authors who are/were awful as humans? I'm just asking, because I just wanted to submit a book I liked as a teen and so I looked up the author's name to write it correctly and of course the Wikipedia article told me they made some terrible things. I'm in a little in shock right now 😂 I usually don't look up authors, not when I only read one little fiction book, especially when it was that long ago. Said author has been dead for over 20 years by now, by the way.

hello! this is a good question, and I hadn’t totally settled on an answer. I have been grappling with this in relation to two submissions, one of a book by Brandon Sanderson, who despite his lip-service to social liberalism still tithes to the Mormon church, and one of T.J. Klune’s The House in the Cerulean Sea, which cozifies the Sixties Scoop in Canada (as well as residential schools), part of the Canadian state’s ongoing policies of genocide against Indigenous people, in a way that I find deeply troubling.

insofar as this blog serves, in part, to make people aware of a range of books they may not have previously encountered (certainly I anticipate this being the case for many, if not most, of my own additions to the queue), it feels to me like I would be de facto recommending these books, or at least serving as a platform for others’ recommendations, if I simply queue them along with the others.

having said that, I don’t have the time or, frankly, energy to look up every author I’m not already familiar with. my options, as I currently see them, are:

post whatever is submitted, relying on submitters’ discretion to exclude, for example, Orson Scott Card’s fantasy novels;

post whatever is submitted, relying on submitters’ discretion, and stop including blurbs for any books — just cover, title / author, and poll;

post whatever is submitted but exclude blurbs and/or provide contextual information for authors and books I’m not comfortable promoting; or

maintain a list of authors or books that I won’t accept, with brief explanations, updated on a case-by-case basis as submissions come in.

none of these is ideal. option 1 requires me to overlook my own discomfort with authors like Card or Sanderson or works like The House in the Cerulean Sea, and I don’t like that at all. option 2 means sacrificing the promotional value of these polls (little though I’m sure it is) for books that people might otherwise not have encountered.

meanwhile, options 3 and, especially, 4 would inevitably be inconsistent, even if I set out guidelines (I would, for example, most likely only include living authors on the list for option 4), and they also open up possibilities for disagreement — see the smear campaigns disproportionately directed at marginalized authors (Maya Deane’s Wrath Goddess Sing, e.g., or Isabel Fall’s “Helicopter Story”). for my own mental health’s sake, I don’t want to risk having to argue with people about which authors or books should or shouldn’t be too problematic to include on this blog, especially since many people (myself often included!) don’t know much, if anything, about most of the authors they read.

of these options, 2 seems to me to be the least bad. the idea of enticing people to read new things (insofar as blurbs accomplish this) is appealing — it was a nice dream while it lasted! — but I don’t think there’s another reasonable way to handle this without sinking hours into tracking down information about every author. I’m going to go through and remove the blurbs now, although obviously older reblogged versions of the first few posts will continue to circulate with blurbs.

this is probably a longer response than you were expecting! to answer your specific question: currently, it would be at your discretion.

if my feelings about the best way to handle this change in future, I’ll make an announcement to that effect.

#faq

[im-constantly-fangirling-backup]

Here Comes the Cavalry

REPOST BECAUSE TUMBLR HATES ME

Thomas Shelby x Reader

Warnings: Swear words

Word Count: ~2.3k

A/N: Thank you so much for requesting this, anon! I had a really fun time writing this and I hope you enjoy!

Summary: Charlie's 10th birthday finds itself the center of a showdown between Thomas and his ex-wife over the new woman in his life.

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Being a friend of the Shelby's- didn’t matter how close or distant- was like walking around with a target on your back. But you didn’t mind. As much violence and chaos that the family attracts, and as much as they try to have power over each other, there was a mutual love and respect between every Shelby that you hadn’t seen anywhere else. For example, when Polly found out Tommy had hidden crucial information, she was pissed; but also proud. It was a bit concerning, if you were going to be honest. Even Grace was kept in the loop after the divorce. Once a Shelby, always a Shelby, you supposed. Grace wasn’t involved in the family business at all, but she and the family met occasionally. Although, as time passed on, it was mostly so Charlie could spend time with his father. Grace was now remarried and her visits were far and in between. She drifted apart from all the Shelbys- not that they minded, as her betrayal was still in their minds all those years later. Thomas started to move on from her as well, now very much used to Grace not being a part of his day-to-day life. Today was the day that Grace and Charlie were making a rare visit to the Arrow House for his 10th birthday. Thomas postponed all of his meetings for the entire week to make time for his son, an action that made you smile when you heard Tom tell his clients of his absence. And they call him heartless, you had laughed to yourself. “Ada! How are you doing!” you said, hugging your best friend before walking into the Arrow House. You took off your coat and hung it on the hook next to the door. “Oh I’m doing great sweetheart,” she said. “Auntie Y/NNNNNN!” you heard a little boy’s voice yell from the stairs. The pitter-patter of their feet running across the wooden floor echoed through the large room and made you chuckle. “Hello, Karl!” you kneeled on your knees and opened your arms for Karl, who ran into them and almost made you topple over. “Someone’s excited to see me!” You squeezed him lightly, resting your cheek on his head. You pulled away from him and reached into your purse, grabbing a chocolate bar that you had bought for Karl. “I got you something!” Karl smiled, his cute crooked teeth on display. “Thank you!” He grabbed the bar from your hand and started unwrapping it, running away from you and towards the living room. “Uncle Arthur, look what Auntie Y/N gave me!” he yelled. “What did I say about the chocolate?” Ada chided you. You laughed. “I couldn’t help it Ada,” you defended yourself. “He’s too adorable to not spoil.” In the background, you heard Karl laugh loudly. “You can’t have any Uncle Arthur, it’s for me!” You chuckled and shook your head, looking down at the floor in mock exasperation. The Arrow House would be nothing without the echoes of Karl’s screams bouncing around the walls from time to time. Even Thomas seemed to brighten up a bit more whenever Karl and Ada visited. You supposed it was because his nephew reminded him of his own son that he barely got to see. At the thought of Charlie, you looked up to Ada. “When are Charlie and Grace showing up?” Ada shrugged. “They should be here in a couple of minutes. Why don’t we head to the living room? Tommy bought a shit ton of food for Charlie so we might be able to steal a bit.” _______________________________________________________________________________________ You and Ada made your way into the living room and smiled at the exquisite birthday decorations. There were balloons of every color bunched up every couple of feet around the room, a large birthday banner hanging proud and true on the wall across from the fireplace. “Hello, Y/N. Ada,” Tom said from where he sat on the couch, his elbows on his knees. You smiled at him. “Thomas.” Tom smirked slightly- which was a fucking bright-ass grin when it came to Thomas. “We’ve been over the ‘Thomas’ shit, Y/n/n,” he said, quirking his brow. You chuckled. “We have,” you said. “Tom. ‘S just fun to be all fucking formal.” Tom pat the spot on the couch next to him while Ada left your side, sensing that you two wanted some

time alone. You walked over to Tom and sat next to him. “You excited?” Thomas nodded, his blue eyes brightening slightly. “I hardly get to see Charles anymore. You bet your ass I’m spoiling me boy when he’s here,” he joked. You laughed. “I’m sure Charlie’s going to like all of this,” you gestured to the decorations around you. “Oh! Before I forget! Where should I put this?” You reached into your purse and pulled out a folded mancala board that Charlie had begged you for the last time he visited. Thomas smiled and took the board from you, leaning down and sliding it under the couch. “We’re going to open presents after cake, so just remember to pick it back up.” From there, you and Thomas began to talk about the family business. Unlike with Grace, Thomas found himself consulting you on many decisions that he made. You weren’t directly involved but your advice was greatly appreciated by the family. Especially since Thomas wanted to get into politics- a field that you knew well because your father ran for MP multiple times before his death- your advice on what not to do gave him valuable insight on how to maintain a favorable public image. “I know your past is something that can’t be erased,” you said in response to Tom’s concerns about the subject. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t be hidden. Or at least left ambiguous enough that people can’t ask the right questions. You keep the public from asking the right questions, and you make sure they can never find the answers.” “It’s a bit unnerving that you know this,” Tom noted, a smirk on his face. In truth, he was impressed. Your knowledge of politics was quite extensive considering your father tried to keep you away from it for most of your life. But you knew how to eavesdrop and read gossip, and so you gained a wealth of knowledge about politics. You laughed. “You’re acting like you don’t already know this.” Thomas took a drag of his cigarette and chuckled. “You got me there.” Your conversation was interrupted by the distinct shrill of the doorbell. Tom perked up and smiled. “Charles is here!” He practically jumped up from his seat on the couch and made his way to the hall. You followed him to the hall, beckoning Karl, Ada, and Arthur- who had been quietly eating food in the corner, thinking Tom hadn’t noticed- to come with you. You and the group walked into the hall to the sight of Thomas laughing and picking up Charlie in his arms and bouncing him up and down, making his son giggle. “Happy birthday Charlie!” you exclaimed, clapping. Arthur, Karl, Ada- and John and Polly, who had been talking in the hall after you arrived- clapped and joined in wishing Charlie a happy birthday. Charlie and Karl shared a hug that resulted in you awing. You looked at Grace and smiled. “Welcome, Grace,” you greeted her respectfully. Grace simply nodded at you and took off her coat. Turning around to put her coat on the coat hooks next to the door, she gasped lightly in shock when she saw your coat resting next to Tom’s. “Whose coat is this?” she asked casually. You apologized profusely. “It’s mine, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to impose. I can find a different place for it-” Thomas waved his hand nonchalantly. “Oh, no need. You’re not imposing, Y/n/n.” You blushed slightly. “Frances can take your coat, Grace. I trust you remember who she is?” He jabbed at her lightly. Grace huffed and nodded. “Alright.” The tension between Tom and Grace was palpable and made everyone make excuses to leave the room. You left as well, saying something about wanting to play around with Karl and Charlie. You knew things were bad between Thomas and Grace. So bad, in fact, that Tom had approached her with a divorce. Tom was many things, but he wasn’t the type of person to reach for a divorce. He believed that marriage lasted for life. But after Tom’s and Grace’s arguments over his ambitions and dreams started to grow from skirmishes to screaming matches littered with threats, Thomas had enough. He told you the night that he decided to divorce Grace that he didn’t want to spend his life with a woman

that didn’t support his political and business ambitions. You found yourself sympathizing with both of them. You understood Grace’s concerns about the target that would always be on her and Charlie’s back because of Thomas’s ambition. But you also understood Thomas’s argument that his ambitions were also the thing that would provide his family with more opportunities than he had. Thomas’s goals were a double-edged sword. Although, Grace had become quite cold to Thomas in retaliation for the divorce, often sending him and his family veiled insults. So you didn’t feel much remorse for her when Tom made barbed comments like the one made in the hall. You sighed while watching Karl and Charlie play. It was going to be a long party. _______________________________________________________________________________________ All of you were eating cake, you talking with Polly about some gossip that you heard when going shopping for groceries. “Apparently Brandon was just using her for her status,” you said, licking the frosting off of your fork. “But then Brandon caught Melissa sleeping with her boss-” “No fucking way!” Polly interrupted, putting her plate down and gasping. “How the hell do these things happen to people!” You laughed. “I know right! My life is boring in comparison- and I hang out with you insane idiots!” “Hey!” John said from across the table, his mouth full of cake. “We’re not that bad!” “Speak for yourself,” Ada muttered from next to her brother, cringing when John stuck his cake-covered tongue out at her. “Honestly, Y/N,” Grace’s refined voice reverberated through the dining room, “You shouldn’t be gossiping this much. It’s a boring pastime.” You quirked your brow. “I’m sorry?” “Oh it’s alright, I understand that some people have nothing better to talk about. I’m just saying, gossip signals a bland personality and I’m sure you don’t have that, hm?” Grace’s implied message was clear. You sat in silence for a moment, surprised. “No?” you said, going along with whatever Grace said. In all honesty, you didn’t care what Grace thought of you. She barely visited enough for you to give a shit. But apparently, Tom didn’t want to let it slide. “Look, Grace, it’s not a big deal to gossip, alright? You’d be a big fucking hypocrite telling Y/n/n not to gossip when pretty much everything you talked about was who was fuckin’ who-” “Thomas!” Grace chided. “What? If you’re going to walk in here and criticize how Y/n/n spends their time, you can fuck off, alright? I don’t need some posh stuck-up woman in me house. So either behave yourself and let Charlie have a good birthday,” Thomas threatened, “Or get out of me house and have fun on the streets for a week.” “You’d let your own son live on the streets for a week?” Grace asked, shocked. “My threat regards only you. Charles is me blood- you make me see blood.” Grace looked down at her plate and picked up her fork and ate her cake again. Tom took that as an agreement to get along with everyone and started eating again as well. You were just thankful that you had sent Karl and Charlie to play upstairs. But regardless of the tense situation, a smile graced your face at the immediacy that Tom defended you with. _______________________________________________________________________________________ “Hey,” you tapped Thomas’s shoulder when you both found yourselves alone in the back room. “Thank you for defending me.” Tom nodded and smiled slightly. “Of course.” “I mean it. No one really defends me so I really appreciate it. Especially since it’s Grace.” Tommy’s brows raised slightly at that comment. “What do you mean?” You shrugged, looking anywhere but at Tom. “I mean, she was the woman that made you the person you used to be before France. I understand there’s some bad blood between you two now, but she’s still special to you.” Tom hummed and walked closer to you, stopping at around 2 feet away from you. “So are you, you know. You’re special to me.” You smiled. “You’re special to me, too.” Thomas’s hand cupped your cheek lightly, his thumb stroking

back and forth. A flush made its way to your cheeks and you smiled shyly at Tom. There was always some unspoken bond between the two of you that you danced around. You were always scared that it was too early after his divorce, but with the way that he was looking at you, he probably got over it a while ago. You don’t know who leaned forward first, but one second later your mouths were connected in a feverish kiss. Tom’s hands were traveling places, touching parts of your body that you caught him eyeing from time to time. Your hands rested against his chest and reveled in the feeling of his heart thumping against his chest as erratically as yours. So you had the same effect on him as he did on you. The kiss was a good indicator of that, but it was nice to have reassurance. Tom pulled away and rested his forehead on yours. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to do that for months now,” Tom confessed. You smiled, pecking him on the lips. “So have I,” you replied, pulling his mouth back to yours.

#tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby #thomas shelby #tommy shelby angst #thomas shelby angst #peaky blinders #peaky blinders imagine

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember 2019 Master List

Jesus. Jesus Christ, that’s a lot of writing. I don’t really consider myself a writer generally and this is definitely the first time I’ve written this much this quickly. I’m going to look at my word count soon, but- I think I may have written a novel’s length of words? Wow.Thanks to everyone who encouraged me during this or provided support/ideas: thinking of @daja-the-hypnokitten , @liminal-wanderings , @mr-ackerman , @spiralturquoise , @wellgnawed , @sex-obsessed-lesbian , and @hypno-sandwich especially here but there were lots of y’all who reblogged or made kind comments. I appreciate every one of them. :)

Here’s a catch up of everything I’ve written so far this month. In honor of @jukeboxemcsa, I’ve also included a HypnoBS rating where 1 is absolute bullshit and 5 is normal Tuesday night.

Icons- 📰- story. 🔊- audio 💻- technology 😍- romantic 🌈- queer 😴- regular ole’ hypnosis 🛀- brainwashing and/or hypnotist in a tub 👻- spooky 🐈- at least one happy pussy ❓- bad or reeeally questionable consent ✝️- author's weird religious feels that somehow kept coming up

Day 1: Base Character-F/f 📰😍🌈🛀🐈 

Choice quote: ”Or maybe it was the ship of Theseus- Janine seeing how many little pieces of her she could replace until she fundamentally just wasn’t the same person anymore.”

HypnoBS- I haven’t done this kind of play and have no first hand experience. Let’s say 3.

Newly added 11/18: @undersleeper requested some extra information on how the brainwashing was actually done in this story so I added this non-canon sequel. (I think the sequel boosts the BS score to a 4.)

Day 2: Colors- F/nb 📰😴 🌈

Choice quote: “Bri used to consider themselves a bad hypnotic subject.”

HypnoBS- 4. I haven’t done this induction specifically but love doing these kinds of overloads

Day 3: Dizzy- no gender specified🔊😴

Choice quote: “When you take deep breaths, you feel like you’re getting more oxygen, but actually the opposite is true.”

HypnoBS-5. Should get you in trance, we’re not ranking the accuracy of all the science herein.

Day 4: Sing- m/f kinda I guess? 📰👻❓

Choice quote:  “Tonight wasn’t the night to give in, he told himself. Not yet.”

HypnoBS- 1. Thank God.

Day 5: Poison- M/f 📰😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Lila could admit it. She was kind of a brat.But Sean? He was worse. He was a fucking troll.“

HypnoBS- 4? Haven’t done it, could probably make something in this realm work with the right person.

Day 6: Summon- F/f 📰😍😴🌈🐈

Choice quote: “Number one, there is no butch street cred. And number two- if there was such a thing, you and I both know that being seduced by a beautiful woman would only increase it.”

HypnoBS- 3 or 4. It’s quick and there would need to be a lot more talking generally. But sure.

Day 7: Underwear- F/f 📰😴🌈

Choice quote: “Under….where”, Destiny tested the word out loud. It sounded like a portmanteau of some sort. She understood the word “under” and the word “where” (or “wear”? “where are” maybe? maybe it was German?) but those two words together didn’t form much of a picture.”

HypnoBS- 5. Although have only done this as a hypnotist so I can’t speak to subject POV. This kind of thing is adorable to watch, though.

Day 8: Neighbor- F/f📰😍🌈 ❓

Choice quote: “When Jiyeon tapped her pencil, Alyssa tapped her pencil lightly to match.”

HypnoBS- 1. Maybe 1.5 since there are no monsters or demons.

Day 9: Idiotic- no gender specified📰😴

Choice quote: “Because Id-iotic. It’s literally what you want deep down”

HypnoBS-4. Not my thing but with the right people- sure.

Day 10: Smell- F/m 📰😴😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Belinda had also woken up from sexy dreams at night to the feeling of Ray’s head buried in her cunt.”

HypnoBS- 3 on the details. Some parts are more plausible than others. We’re outside my realm of experience here so others could probably rank more accurately.

Day 11: Broadcast- Hypnovirus/f 📰💻🛀✝️

Choice quote: “It felt important to present herself to the screen in a way that demonstrated her vulnerability and openness to instruction.”

HypnoBS- 4. Probably not likely, but I could see this kind of symbolic bleed with the right person pretty easily.

Day 12: Stage- M/m 📰😍🌈😴

Choice quote: “Brandon had not mentioned the hypnosis thing to Scott- it felt weird and personal and he had already half-convinced himself that he was being creepy in response to Scott’s platonic friendliness. He didn’t want to scare him off. He had never expected to see him here.”

HypnoBS- 5. At least as far as the hypnosis goes

Day 13: Bath- no gender specified 🔊🛀😴

Choice quote: *insert rambling about Pat Collins here*

HypnoBS- 5. But also a high general BS score. I was tired and needed to finish a thing. I am surprised but grateful people liked this one. :P

Day 14: Machine- M/f 📰😴💻😍✝️

Choice quote: “For as long as she could remember, Deidre had longed for self-annhilation.”

HypnoBS- 1. That’s not how brains work.

Day 15: Ooze- there’s a m and a f 📰😴🛀❓

Choice quote: “For example, your badge- did you know that putting all the stickers on the top of your badge like that usually means that you’re a hypnotist?”

Amy’s eyes widened a bit. “It does?”

HypnoBS- 2. Sadly.

Day 16: Wedding- something/f 📰👻❓

Choice quote: “She knew then that she was alone. No one could help her. No one could even see her.”

HypnoBS- 1.

Day 17: Gentle- a different something/f  📰 kinda 🐈❓✝️

Choice quote: “As long as she didn’t focus on it, it would write the story for her.”

HypnoBS- 1. I think. :P

Day 18: Infection- not stated/m 📰 🛀❓

Choice quote: “If he could just get the song out of his head, maybe he’d have a chance.”

HypnoBS- 2. 

Day 19: Hideout- F/f 📰  🐈 😍😴🛀🌈

Choice quote: “’Come to me, pet. Come to me.’ 

Mesmera.

 She could always sense when Galaxy Girl was weak. She consistently picked the perfect time to strike.

And now, she had found her apartment.”

HypnoBS-4.5

Day 20: Watch- no gender specified 🔊 😴

Choice quote: “Feel your thoughts just tick tick tick tick ticking gone”

HypnoBS-5

Day 21: Fighting- F/m 📰 😴

Choice quote: “His mistress loved resistance play. She delighted in watching him struggle and strain against an irresistible impulse.”

HypnoBS-5 Mmmm :)

Day 22: Mistaken- F/an entire hypnocon  📰  😴

Choice quote: “Ginger- submissive, wide-eyed, bottomy Ginger- was holding a crowd of 8 people in her hypnotic thrall. Some had their eyes closed already, while others were staring at her with the rapt look of early trance.“

HypnoBS- 4. But only because I haven't seen it yet. :P

Day 23: Heist- F/m  📰  🛀❓(😍 but it’s pretty messed up)

Choice quote: “The inside of the vault had gotten somewhat sparse-looking- David had been cleaning out the bank out at a much quicker pace recently- but there were still plenty of treasures here to bring to his mistress.”

HypnoBS- 3, maybe 2

Day 24: Business F/f 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “Summer was a well-mannered southern girl at heart. She knew that if something was none of her business, it was impolite and rude to know it. Best not to think about it too much. She didn’t want to be nosey.”

HypnoBS- 4

Day 25: Babble F/m📰 😴 🛀 (💻 kinda)

Choice quote: “You can feel your access to language lessening….and lessening. Feeling those parts of your brain losing blood, quieting, going to sleep. Imagine what that might look like on the fMRI- the color draining, darkening, going black. Your ability to use language can be almost completely gone.”

HypnoBS- 5 (Neuroscience BS- closer to 3)

Day 26: Enemy M/f 📰 😴😍🐈 

Choice quote: “When she was denied for long periods of time, everything became sexual.”

HypnoBS- 5. Unf.

Day 27: Confidence F/m 📰 😴❓

Choice quote: “Dr Eleanor had been recommended to Richard by his friend Jon who had seen her previously. “She won’t bullshit you,” he had said, “she just gets right to the roots of your issues and helps you solve them.” He must have known what he was talking about- a year after visiting Dr Eleanor, Jon had recently married a wonderful woman. He was also running marathons and succeeding professionally. There were worse people to listen to, Richard thought.”

HypnoBS- 3 (although this kind of gaslighting is real and can be effective)

Day 28: Abduction F/f M/f background m/m 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “’And so she….’ Lilliana stopped. She stared for a moment in surprise at the space between Cirie’s fingers. Cirie looked like she was holding a small, invisible ball. Liliana tried to recall her train of thought (something about work?) but found herself strangely blank.

She looked at Cirie in astonishment. 

‘You took it!’ she accused.”

HypnoBS- 5

Day 29: Doctor Doctor/Master (from Dr Who) 📰 😴🌈💻

Choice quote: “The doors in the Master’s mind all appeared to be open. The Doctor quickly scanned for malicious intent but-

Oh.

Oh my.

So that’s why.”

HypnoBS- I...uh...1?

Day 30: Kink The author/her self-indulgent whims 📰 🌈

Choice quote: “Ultimately, she really just  liked her friends- and she especially loved hearing all of their stories.”

HypnoBS- Cake. Imma eat a cake.

Thank you all for reading these! I know this is a long post, but I’d really appreciate reblogs of it. If you’ve liked my stories, please consider leaving me a tip on Ko-fi! Also I’d be happy to give extra information on any of the characters or a bit of what happens next if you want to send me an ask about any of these stories. I’m finding myself with a strange craving to write. Funny how that works. :P

#hypnovember #hypnovember master post #me/my sense of accomplishment #thank you all again for reading! #my writing

[septembercfawkes]

Making Your Manuscript Reader-friendly

Have you ever used a computer program that wasn't user-friendly? It's kind of the worst. I remember a particular one that me and my sibling spent over an hour trying to figure out how to use. It was not user-friendly. At all.

Unfortunately, the same thing can happen when writing a novel.

I've heard these wise words in the industry, but I'm not sure on their source.

Writing is telling yourself the story. Editing is telling the reader the story.

While I think there are some exceptions (like with all maxims) (sometimes I'm still telling myself the story when editing), I think this thought process holds a lot of truth.

As writers, for the first part of the process, we are trying to figure out the story, and we are telling it to ourselves. We want to put down what's in our heads.

But literature is a collaboration. It's not just about what the writer writes. It's also about the meanings, experiences, and conclusions the reader has. Together, through the text, we create the story.

(Okay, maybe some writers, who only write for themselves, don't need to worry about that. But most of us do.)

Just as programs largely need to be user-friendly to be successful, so do stories.

If the reader can't understand, appreciate, or enjoy the story, the collaboration part of the narrative is failing.

But this is easier said than done, and sometimes tricky to spot and fix.

So here are some things to consider.

(Also, I typically wouldn't recommend you stress about this too early in the book-writing process. If you are still "telling the story to yourself" and this stresses you out, leave it for a later edit.)

The Reader Doesn't Need to Know as Much as the Writer

During the writing process, we have to brainstorm and figure out a lot of things that the reader neither needs to know nor cares about.

We may come up with elaborate, important backstories for characters that may never be published, in order to understand the person, their motives, and what kind of subtext they bring to their scenes. We may spend hours researching information to find out if a certain situation and outcome is plausible, and we might write why in the draft. We might throw up an info-dump right in the middle of a chapter when we are explaining the story to ourselves. We might include flashbacks that feel vital, but in the grand scheme of things, can actually be axed.

Almost always, we probably love our characters, world, and plot more than the readers do. (I said "almost.") And often if we include everything we know about them and the world and the story, it'll be boring. Have you guys read Lord of the Rings? Wonderful story. How many of you read the entire prologue the first time? Probably almost no one. Why? Because it's a 15-page info-dump explaining Hobbits to the audience. The average reader doesn't care about all that. They might care about it after they are familiar with the story, but that's not the first thing they want to read.

When inviting the audience into our fictive world to meet our characters, often less is more. We want them to want more information--which means not flooding them with unnecessary details. So cut what they don't need to know.

The Reader Needs to Know More than The Writer

On the flip side, in a strange way, the reader needs to know more than the writer. Maybe I write a scene where the characters' motivations are clear as day to me, the writer, because of all of the foreshadowing and subtext I've put in, so I feel like I don't need to explain it in the text itself. I don't need to "know" that information by writing it down.

But it's not clear to the reader. Why did so-and-so do such and such? How did Jane know that Matthew was the killer?

To be honest, most people who haven't studied literature at a college level haven't been taught how to read carefully, and how to accurately read into a text. That's fine. But that means that you might need to provide more information and guidance than you thought you needed when telling the story to yourself.

Other times, the readers may have different, inaccurate (but merited) interpretations of what's happening, so they need more information to come to the right conclusion. For example, I once worked on a story where I was convinced that one of the antagonistic characters was a werewolf. Baffled, the writer asked me why. After pointing out all the evidence, he realized he needed to change some of the story so that it wasn't misleading. (In some stories, it would have been fine to be ambiguous, but not in this one.) This is often where beta-readers are helpful.

Reader: But why is the Dark Lord doing that?

Writer: BECAUSE HE'S THE DARK LORD!!!11

Reader: ????

So add more information when the reader needs it. What's obvious to you, is not always obvious to them.

FOCUS the Story

I'm going to be a bad person and tell you guys right now that I hate the movie Secret Life of Pets. Why? Because there is no focus! Or at least, very little. It's just things happening, that sort of follow the Freytag Pyramid, but nothing is fully weaved in or connected or truly realized. Unlike most blockbuster children movies, it lacks focus. (BTW, just because it lacks focus doesn't mean you aren't allowed to like it. I don't like it, because of that, but Heaven knows I love and forgive a lot of other stories that are lacking).

During the writing process, you were probably figuring out the story. You may not quite know how to focus the story--or what the focus even is. Maybe you had a bunch of good ideas and cool subplots and even character arcs and fun scenes . . . but there is just too much or it doesn't seem to fit together cohesively.

Readers prefer focus and cohesion.

Sure, there are some rare stories that can break this, but very few. If the story lacks focus, the audience may be wondering: What the heck is this book about? Which parts are important? What do I need to remember for later? Where is this going?

There are two (as far as I know) ways to better focus the story.

1. Focus on the main plot lines

In most successful stories, there is an inner journey and an outer journey for the protagonist. Those are the most important story lines. Other than that, there may be a tertiary plot line--maybe a romance, or lifestyle goal. In some cases, you may even have another plot line. But rarely do you have more than 2 - 4 significant plot lines. If something doesn't fit into one of those, like say that whole chapter sequence you have about your protagonist hanging out at Uncle Mike's for the summer, then it may need to be cut.

2. Focus on the theme topic

A lot of stories that seem to have a lot of characters, events happening, and sometimes seemingly unrelated events, actually have focus because they focus on the theme topic. In Hamilton, almost every "character story" explored relates back to the theme topic of legacy: Hamilton, Burr, Eliza, Angelica, Washington, Lafayette, Hercules--and provides different manifestations and views of it. (Les Mis does the exact same thing, with the theme topics of mercy and justice.)

The theme statement is the takeaway value, the point of the story. The theme topic is the subject we are exploring. So, for Les Mis, the theme statement is that "mercy is more powerful than justice." But the topics are mercy and justice themselves.

(Secret Life of Pets has no clear theme, which is why I didn't like it. Compare it to Finding Dory, Wreck-it Ralph, Frozen, or Moana, and it's clear that Disney understands how theme focuses story.)

Which parts of your manuscript connect to the theme topic? The theme topic should be explored, tested, questioned through the course of the story. You may need to cut or repurpose parts that don't relate to the theme.

Bring clarity to the story by strengthening focus.

The Reader has Less Patience than the Author

For the reader, an ideal story keeps them looking forward; it keeps them wanting to turn pages. As writers, like I said before, we tend to already be more interested in the world and characters than the audience is. We might have fun ways we want to introduce each character, great dialogue exchanges, interesting facts about the setting, and yet including all that might kill the pacing.

Remember, as writers, we are already way invested and interested in the story--we've spent so much time working on it! But the reader isn't. He or she needs to get invested quick. And when reading, they don't want to feel like they have to be patient. They just want to read and enjoy the story. The words "be patient" shouldn't even have to enter their thought process.

There is a reason they picked up your book. What did they come for? Make sure you are delivering on that. If you can't deliver on it right away, you may need to add a prologue to promise it will be there soon.

Work toward main points and significant parts (or in some cases, the most entertaining parts) and don't dilly-dally too much. (Focusing the story will help with this).

It's worth remembering that sometimes the point of the writing isn't to give an exact rendition of what is happening and what the characters are experiencing, but rather to give the notion or impression of it. If your protagonist is bored for a full week, the audience only wants a quick impression of the boredom--enough to get the point--not an accurate, full rendition of it.

Connect and Simplify Complicated Concepts

By the time you've finished telling the story to yourself, you probably have a lot of concepts going on. (Or if you are like me, may be bordering on a "kitchen sink" story.) Remember, it's easier for the audience to learn something new and/or recall what they've already learned when it's connected to something.

If you've introduced too many new ideas and concepts, you may need to connect them. It's hard to remember a bunch of random numbers. But it's easier to remember them if they connect in some way (2, 4, 8, 16).

Brandon Sanderson touches on this idea when talking about magic systems. He says instead of adding and adding and adding new things, it's usually more effective to connect, deepen, and build on what's already there. If you can connect complicated concepts, the story will be more reader-friendly.

Likewise, you may need to simplify some concepts . . . or at least the delivery of them. (Remember, the audience doesn't need to know as much as the writer.) Make it look easier than it is. I mean, it's really easy to use Netflix, but I'm sure the backend is not that simple! It's easy for me to use my computer, but if I tried to build one, I'd be clueless.

Remember what da Vinci said: "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."

Just because something comes across as simple doesn't necessarily mean it's not deep or complex--it's just not confusing.

And when it comes to making a manuscript reader-friendly, we usually don't want to be confusing.

#Writing tips #writing tip #writing advice #writeblr #fanfic #creative writing #editing #am editing #reader #writing reference #writing help

[traumbelrum]

Quick rant on why I really enjoyed ‘Oathbringer’

So I finished ‘Oathbringer’ this morning and I was slightly grim at having to lay this wonderful work of art aside... but then again all good things have to come to an end.

Warning: Lots and lots of spoilers ahead...

Why did I enjoy it?

First of all, I had finished Words of Radiance like... two years ago? And though it was still present in my mind because I liked to relish in fanfiction and loiter on Sanderson’s webpage, there were some memory lapses. Gladly, two-hundred pages into ‘Oathbringer’ I felt fully up to date. It was rather easy getting back into Brandon Sanderson’s writing and, thanks to his small reminders, into the plot.

The characters. Gosh dammit. I’ve had my fair attempts at writing and I have never managed to create as round, credible and likeable characters as I read in this book. My trouble with stories told from severals PoVs is that, in most cases, I dislike at least one PoV. This was not the case with ‘Oathbringer’, although it held like what... ten PoVs at least? More probably. Each PoV and each chapter held important, valuable and interesting plot points or revelations, each PoV provided me with at least one reason to like it.

I also like about the series in general that most of the characters return at some point of the story. Even if they seem minor, you will meet them again... so look out. Take Kaladin’s early love Laral, who returned along with his parents. This sort of makes me hope that Tarah will also get a cameo in the present... I’d like that.

Sanderson’s writing is surprising in many turns it takes. I often find myself wondering or being surprised, although, leafing through earlier chapters, most of the events have been foreshadowed. Renarin having bonded a corrupt spren for one. I had not seen that coming. Despite such surprises however, he manages it that small plotlines are to some extent forseeable and left me satisfied by confirming my expectations. Shallan’s struggle to keep all her personas in check. I had a feeling that she would have trouble to decide whom she really was, ever since her troublesome past had been revealed in WoR, I expected her to run away from her problems - and she did.

The dialogues. Sanderson offers witty exchanges, Shallan or Kaladin often taking part, or deep and explanatory conversations. He is one of the FEW writers who leave me laughing out loud at some of his passages. The conversation between Shallan and Adolin after the battle at Thaylen City. I laughed. Many of the quips Wit delivers are actually funny.

I also really enjoyed the Epilogue. I do not know how many of you read “Faust I” by Goethe, but it somewhat reminded me of the prologue in the drama (actually one of three prologues :D) - here a director, a poet and an actor discuss theatre. Wit’s reflection on art that is hated and loved and what makes art worthy... opens a meta level within ‘Oathbringer’ that offers the reader to discuss art - while reading something artistic. Just loved that. Really loved it.

I think it is an extreme challenge to create authentic evil. Or at least that’s the impression I got from writing. Of course there’s lots and lots of examples in human history... but I always failed at the attempt of writing a villain. And at the same time I dislike villains in super hero movies, that are simply evil. Because... that’s just not interesting. The opposition of good and evil in most of Hollywood’s blockbusters is not much more complicated than in Grimm’s fairytales. Sanderson however... presented us with villains that, to me, were frightening. He presented us with corrupted personas on the “good” side (Dalinar) and dialectic characters on the “bad” side. Two hundred pages before closure, he fucking took the moral highground that the Alethi had settled on. It is not their land, but the singers’ land that they are fighting for. They are the voidbringers. They have no right to do, what they do, this is no bellum iustum. And although he confronts us with no strict line or distinction between the good and the evil, I found it easy to choose one of the sides. I chose the Alethi.

On a sidenote, I still marvel at the cultural diversity he delivers where other authors rely on elves and dwarves. And I really liked learning more about the other cultures in ‘Oathbringer’. I loved Queen Fen. And I liked reading more about Lift and Rysn. And, although, that is nothing new, I love the diversity with which Sanderson writes women. But that should not actually be an outstanding feature...

I read in some posts that the representation of mental health issues was “satisfying” and realistic and though I cannot comment on that, because I’m far too unexperienced on the topic, I’d like to note that Sanderson had help from an expert on that. And I really like him for getting himself all kinds of experts to work with because that makes the experience of his writing all the more enjoyable. 

So yeah, anything else? I shipped Shallan and Kaladin HARD during ‘Oathbringer’, never really knowing where to put Adolin in that (maybe between them ha ha). But in the end I was even satisfied with Brandon ending that emotional turmoil and drawing some clear lines (wedding bells). And I was SUPERHAPPY at Shallan’s brothers appearing! And I REALLY hope for them to become more important in the future!

So yeah... ending on this notion I’d say that I really, really liked reading ‘Oathbringer’. I love Sanderson’s writing and will, waiting for the fourth book of the Stormlight Archive, probably turn towards his mistborn series. To pass the time.

#kaladin #kaladin stormblessed #shallan #shallan davar #wit #adolin #adolin kholin #dalinar #dalinr kholin #wor #wok #oathbringer #brandon sanderson #sanderson #rant #literature #spoilers #stormlight archive

[onlinemarketingcourses]

The rise (and further rise) of Google My Business spam

Back in 2017, Google proudly told the world that it had eradicated 70 percent of all fake Google Maps listings in the two years prior. They put this down to innovations in machine learning and new business verification techniques.

Two years on, and it seems the machines are today wearing dunce caps and verification is just not working. How else do you explain Google My Business listings like these slipping through the net?

Here are today’s rejected edits: #stopcraponthemap pic.twitter.com/a2vQAJ1rgo

— Brandon Schmidt (@brandonschmidt) March 11, 2019

You’ll note that not only are these spammy, keyword-stuffed business names but that the supposedly trusted Local Guides trying to suggest edits to report them are having their edits rejected. We’ll come on to that in a little bit, but for now let’s take a look at how we got here.

GMB is the new local business home page, social network and feedback channel, conversion path, and…

Over the last couple of years, Google has been going all-in on expanding the functionality and potential use of its Google My Business profiles, elements of which appear in the Knowledge Graph, in Google Maps, and in the Local 3-pack.

Due to this increased use and visibility, and new social features like the introduction of a ‘Follow’ button for Google Maps users and ever-more-prominent Google Posts, consumers are being driven to consider a business’ GMB profile as a single source of truth, even over and above the local business website.

Because of this, GMB has become a wedge driven between consumers and businesses. Searchers can no longer get a first impression of a business created and tailored by the business itself. That first impression now belongs to Google, and for better or worse, search marketers have to make exceptionally good use of the wide range of available GMB features to ensure that their businesses or clients can stand out against their competitors.

With GMB now such a critical part of the consumer’s journey, it’s inevitable that people would seek to take advantage of weaknesses in the system in order to benefit their businesses’ positions. Thus we have Google My Business spam, and with it no end of keyword-stuffed business names, fake listings, fake reviews, and more.

The real impact of Google My Business spam

You might easily dismiss it as a non-issue, but whereas other instances of spam can be easily filtered out using technology, no such filter exists for GMB, and so spam on this platform can have far-reaching impacts.

These impacts have been well-documented in a recent BrightLocal poll that focused specifically on GMB spam. 77 percent of respondents felt that GMB spam made it harder to deliver good rankings for their own businesses or their clients.

Still not convinced it’s an issue? Imagine it this way: you’re a local SEO professional following every bit of best practice under the sun to optimize a website for the right search terms, to feed GMB the right data, and to generate great reviews. You put hours into this work and finally rank well for the required local search terms.

And then you look up the business one day and you see these…

4 fake spam results, 3 don’t have a website listed. #stopcraponthemap pic.twitter.com/BnCgU88qNG

— Jason Brown (@keyserholiday) March 8, 2019

GMB spam isn’t just unfair, it risks damaging the reputations of Google My Business as a trustworthy source of information as well as the many industries which seem to be more likely to take part in GMB spam, like auto repair, locksmiths, garage door contractors, and (though they really should know better) legal professionals.

And although GMB spam isn’t a new problem, it seems to be getting more prevalent. The aforementioned poll asked how listings spam had grown in the previous year.

Fifty-nine percent believed it had increased, and 25 percent of them said it had increased significantly. So the question I find myself asking today isn’t just why is there so much GMB spam it’s “why is there so much now?”

Who you gonna call…?

For a time, Google Gold Product Experts and spam-fighters like Joy Hawkins, Ben Fisher, Jason Brown, and countless others, gave their free time over to helping business owners report spam for removal in the (soon-to-be-defunct for reasons I’ll come to) Spam and Policy board in the Google Advertiser Community Forum. Sure, you could tweet @GoogleMyBiz or message them on Facebook, but this was a great way to add plenty of detail around a spam report and engage with someone who really cared, one on one.

Then Google took over.

For reasons I’m not personally privy to (but would love to hear your theories about in the comments below), Google made the decision to close the GMB Spam forum and instead encourage people who discover spam to report it via a new online form, stating simply:

“We’ll close the Spam board on this community, so please use the new form to report spam-related issues.”

“Complaints submitted through this form will be reviewed in accordance with our guidelines for representing businesses on Google Maps.”

As sad as I was to see the forum close, I rather foolishly believed that this was a sign that Google was going to finally take spam seriously, writing on the BrightLocal blog at the time,

“This week Google finally took a big step towards acknowledging the damage GMB spam does to consumers and businesses alike.”

What a fool I was. I thought that having human staff at the other end of these complaints showed Google was starting to care more, and that the use of a standardized form meant that the process of actioning complaints would be simpler.

Sadly, right now it seems I was wrong. Just follow the popular #StopCrapOnTheMap thread on Twitter and you’ll see an even more steady stream of Local Guides and spam-fighters sharing sadly comic examples of particularly egregious and obvious cases of GMB spam.

Even before this new wellspring of spam, Joy Hawkins spoke on an InsideLocal webinar about the efficacy of making ‘suggested edits’ to spammy GMB profiles (now one of the only recourses for Local Guides trying to fight spam), saying:

“I think it works less and less. It used to work a lot better when Map Maker was around because peers could review your edits, but we’re seeing suggested edits being less useful in most cases. Google’s turnaround time is about 3-4 months, we’ve been finding.”

So we already have a case where:

Google My Business is critical to business success

People are taking advantage of its weaknesses

Google has made efforts to make the spam-fighters toothless

Spam still works, and “the situation is getting worse, not better” (as Joy Hawkins again testifies below)

Looking today, 20-30% of the listings ranking for a personal injury lawyer term in a major city were fake. The situation is getting worse, not better. #StopCrapOnTheMap

— Joy Hawkins (@JoyanneHawkins) March 11, 2019

Then lots and lots of Local Guides started having their accounts suspended for no apparent reason…

Nice job @localguides – 6 years of MapMaker and your program, Level 10 with over 100k edits, only to end up like this… pic.twitter.com/6bMzn0FGLj

— Michael W. Jones (@MJonesOTSC) March 7, 2019

The above is a particularly bad example of Local Guides being stripped of their accounts without reason. While Google’s aim might have been to automatically delete the accounts of Local Guides behaving dubiously (a noble aim, I’d add), when dedicated Local Guides are unceremoniously removed from the program without warning, one has to question Google’s overarching approach to spam removal.

As always, this all comes with the customary silence from Google.

So what can we do about it?

Although the above might come as depressing reading, I must stress that the vigilance of good SEOs trying to do right by their local business clients is very heartening to see, so there is hope.

Google might be clumsily breaking the tools in our spam-fighting arsenal, but we’ll always have heroes like Dave DiGregorio (below) to thank for helping to spread the word about other, clever ways to identify spam:

Great little tip: Looking for spam listings on Maps? Use the search operator ‘allintitle’ to find them easily

Ex: ‘allintitle:car accident lawyer’ https://t.co/gbsTt4i9jt

This will find GMB listings with ‘car accident lawyer’ in the title – which we know, are most likely spam pic.twitter.com/gYcvM9Mby7

— Dave DiGregorio (@deegs20) March 13, 2019

In the meantime, keep building up those Local Guide levels, keep suggesting edits, keep filling out Google’s “Business Redressal Complaint Form,” keep reporting spam to GMB Twitter and Facebook and stay positive.

I still have faith that one day, once Google realize that the issue is damaging trust in their products (and, obviously, stopping business from advertising with them), they’ll invest in far better technology to finally #StopCrapOnTheMap.

Opinions expressed in this article are those of the guest author and not necessarily Search Engine Land. Staff authors are listed here.

About The Author

Jamie Pitman is Head of Content at local SEO tool provider BrightLocal. He’s been working in Digital Marketing for nearly ten years and has specialized in SEO, content marketing and social media, managing successful marketing projects for clients and employers alike. Over this time he’s blogged his heart out, writing over 300 posts on a wide variety of digital marketing topics for various businesses and publications.

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[seniorbrief]

18 Funny Christmas Jokes for the Merriest Holiday

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

The holiday season officially starts on the last Friday of November, when the first shopper is trampled at Walmart. But the holidays really begin on December 26, the day after last year’s Christmas, when your child formulated a gift demands wish list in preparation for the next haul.

For example, one seven-year-old girl wrote this list, to which her dad added his thoughts.

• “Black, light blue, green, purple, and pink North Faces.” Five North Face jackets at 100 bucks each? Dream smaller. That is apparel meant for serious outdoorsmen who dangle from belayed ropes on the south face of K2. The outdoorsiest we get is when we roll down the window at the Wendy’s drive-through.

• “A new radio.” Done. I’ll throw in my old Betamax collection as a stocking stuffer.

• “$1,000.” You want cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I’ll give you three bucks for it.

• “A light-up Razor scooter that is the color blue.” “Dad, for Christmas, can I get hit by a car?”

• “A new canape that glows up.” So, like, a glowing miniature crab cake with a toothpick in it? I could maybe do that.

• “A pet puppy border collie with a peace sign coller and a leash.” Do you see any borders in this house that need patrolling, apart from the bathroom door when Daddy is having his alone time? No.

• “A black rist bange.” I don’t know what this is, but done. —Drew Magary, from deadspin.com

Of course, gift giving may not be everyone’s strong suit.

One year, my father gave Mom a DVD. In and of itself it wasn’t a bad gift, except a) it was a rental, and b) we didn’t own a DVD player. —Amy Marshall Hodges, Canton, Michigan

Santa’s a pro, which is why kids bypass parents and appeal to him:

• “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.”

• “Dear Santa, Sorry for what I did in the past, and thank you for the Christmas letter—I love it. But what I want for Christmas is $53 billion dollars.”

• “Dear Santa, How are you? I’m good. Here is what I want for Christmas: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0032HF60M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410271945&sr=8-1” —Sources: wgna.com and someecards.com

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

What happens when kids’ letters arrive at the North Pole? Does Kringle and Co. sell the data to online marketers? We read the fine print on Santa’s website:

• Santa’s Privacy Policy: At Santa’s Workshop, your privacy is important to us. What follows is an explanation of how we collect and safeguard your personal information.

• Why Do We Need This Information? Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of who is Naughty and who is Nice and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice.

• What Information Do We Collect? We obtain information from the unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information, such as which of their siblings are doodyheads. The letters also provide another important piece of information—fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List.

• What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry. —Laurence Hughes, from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The gift list is done, and there’s a nip in the air—time to get your gaudy on!

My daughter and I took the long route through the neighborhood to admire the Christmas decorations. One yard contained a trove of lights, ornaments, elves, carolers, trimmings … in short, it was a mess. My daughter summed it up perfectly when she announced, “It looks like Christmas threw up.” —Cecille Hansen, Seattle, Washington

Do you hear what I hear? That’s right; music is filling the air! Have you downloaded the latest holiday album? It had them boogying in the streets of Bethlehem centuries ago!

The Little Drummer Boy’s Greatest Hits: Includes the songs “Pum Pum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum,” “Ba Rum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum Ba Rum Pum Pum,” and special bonus track “Pum Pum Pum, Ba Rum Pum Pum.” —Source: someecards.com

Hope you like schmaltzy, sentimental holiday movies because that’s what will be playing on cable 24/7 for the entire month. In case you’ve forgotten these films you’ve seen only 47 times, some brief reviews:

• How the Grinch Stole Christmas: “Crimes against Who-manity”

• A Christmas Carol: “Bob, Marley”

• Elf: “A Christmas Ferrell” —Source: fwfr.com

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

Next, the tree. Note: The real trick isn’t picking the right pine. It’s getting it inside your home. But with our 15-point plan, you’ll be trimming in no time.

1) Cut the cords that bind the tree to the roof of your car. Allow them to snap back and strike you in the eye.

2) Curse.

3) Slowly pull the tree toward you.

4) Wobble under its weight for a few seconds, then fall down.

5) Curse.

6) Stand up and notice the fresh scratches in the roof of your car.

7) Curse.

8) Drag the tree to your front door. Spend 15 minutes figuring out how to open the door while simultaneously getting the tree through it.

9) Drag the tree away from the door so that you can enter with the tree facing in the right direction.

10) Once inside, fill the tree stand with water.

11) Knock all the water out of the tree stand because you forgot to wait to fill the tree stand until after putting the tree in it.

12) Curse.

13) Your tree should now be in the stand. Notice the fallen needles that have reduced your tree to half the size it was when you bought it.

14) Down seven cups of eggnog to settle your nerves.

15) Slur your curses.

You’re not home free yet. Much more can go wrong!

Securing Christmas lights to the tree can be a production. One year, when we finally stood back and flicked on the light switch, I noticed that a branch obscured our prized angel ornament. I grabbed the pruning shears, mounted a stool, and snipped once, and the lights went out. My husband quietly said, “You don’t have your glasses on, do you?”—Lynn Kitchen, Parksville, British Columbia

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

Your Christmas tree has practically become a member of the family: The needy, spoiled, flamboyant side that knows when it’s time to go:

“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.” —Jerry Seinfeld

Let’s relax and read Christmas cards! Far more than just holiday greetings, they allow you to finally see what your accountant’s family looks like.

We once received a card with a photograph of a family in costumes and masks. No name, no text, no return address. We never did figure out who sent it.—Glynis Buschmann, Yuba City, California

Would you like to learn how to write a boastful, overly intimate holiday newsletter? Our indispensable how-to guide can help, illustrated with real quotes.

• Open strong with a passive-aggressive attack on a loved one: “[This year is] barreling to a close as Deborah spends yet another Saturday at the wine shop.”

• Brag about any new job developments—especially if you don’t deserve them: “I got promoted this year to VP … shows how little they really know about my past!!!”

• Be creative! Even good news can be delivered so the reader cringes: “[My wife has] felt almost every negative feeling you can have during a pregnancy—nausea, fatigue, rashes, arthritis, sciatic nerve pain, hip pains, and strong emotional conditions.”

• If you want to cement your status as least favorite distant cousins, just write the most dreaded words in the English language: “We thought it would be cool if we shared what’s going on as a PowerPoint presentation.” —Sources: gawker.com, worstchristmasletters.blogspot.com, Brandon Specktor

There are those who live by the credo that it is better to give than to receive. These people are, of course, fools. Still, without them, we wouldn’t get as many presents. An ad spotted in a newspaper:

“Congratulations George B. for pleasing 15 women for an entire day! We were all exhausted and very satisfied.”

The next day’s ad: “Our sincere apology to George B. Our intentions were to thank him for a generous holiday shopping trip, which he arranged. Any inappropriate innuendos were unintentional.” —Source: clamorly.com

Nishant Choksi for Reader’s Digest

Wait, we all know that presents are not what Christmas is all about. (Actually, they are. But for argument’s sake, let’s pretend they’re not.) Let us pause while these children remind us about the story of Christmas:

What animals were there when baby Jesus was born?

“There was a donkey, a sheep, and a cow there as well as Mary and Joseph. It sounds quite crowded.” Hannah, age seven

What gifts did the three wise men bring?

“They brought Jesus presents of gold, frankincense, smurr, and silver. But I think he would have preferred wrestling toys.” Jay, age five —From the Daily Mail

OK, enough pretending. Give us the presents already!

Scene: Christmas morning, and I’m opening my gifts.

Dad: “Open that one next, sweetie.”

(He points to a box, which I open. Inside is one of those obnoxious singing-and-dancing robot Christmas trees. I’m a bit shocked, as I had pointed out how much I hate these things when we went shopping the week before.)

Me: “Uh, weren’t you listening when I said I thought these were the most annoying things ever?”

Dad: “I know, I know. But … open that one next.” (This time he points to a long, heavy package. I open it up to reveal a sledgehammer.)

Me: “Is this for what I think it’s for?”

Dad: “And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!”

From notalwaysrelated.com

Even the family pet takes part.

My First Toy

My first toy

Has wood for me to claw

My first toy

Has string for me to bite

My first toy

Has a hole for me to hide in

My first toy

Is called, “Oh, dear God, no!

My guitar!”

My first toy

Is the best toy of them all.

—Francesco Marciulano, from the book I Knead My Mommy, And Other Poems by Kittens (Chronicle Books)

The gifts are opened, the eggnog consumed, and your kid has begun a demands wish list for next year. If you’re feeling woozy, it may be because you’ve contracted at least one of these seasonal maladies:

• Pay Saks Disease: A mania for buying gifts and abusing credit lines, followed by a compulsive urge to carry ten shopping bags at once.

• Seasonal Affection Disorder (SAD): An exaggerated emotional response (typically shrieking and air-kissing) triggered by seeing insignificant acquaintances at annual parties.

• Gift-aphasia: Loss of memory that causes the accidental recycling of gifts back to the same people who gave them to you last year.

—Bob Morris, from New York Observer

Original Source -> 18 Funny Christmas Jokes for the Merriest Holiday

source https://www.seniorbrief.com/18-funny-christmas-jokes-for-the-merriest-holiday/

#seniorbrief #seniors

[subtleastequila-blog]

Life’s a Garden, Dig it

I quit my job Saturday.

For the past two months, I was a life insurance salesman for a company that provided “permanent benefits” for union members: truck drivers, firefighters, auto workers, brick layers. You know, the guys with calloused hands that give a depressing sigh every time they sit down. The all-American blue collar workers, if you will.

I put “permanent benefits” in quotes because that’s what we agents, or “benefits specialists,” were taught to tell our clients what we were providing, NOT life insurance (even though we were).

Why play word games? Because the average plumber cringes when he hears insurance. You see, Joe Schmo already feels cucked by State Farm doing a rear-naked choke to his checking account for his home and auto, so the last thing he wants to hear about after a shitty day at work is how he’s going to die some day and needs to cough over more bacon for life insurance, especially from a young, slick-talking punk that hasn’t turned a wrench in his life.

The company knew this, which is exactly why the words “life insurance” are not present on the four-page script, or presentation if you will, that they require all their employees to memorize. 

Consequently, the clientele’s prejudiced distaste for the product is already enough to make the job a bitch-and-a-half, but of course, there are two other bitches I haven’t touched on yet.

For one, you are paid by commission. No salary, no hourly wage. If you don’t make a sale, you don’t have enough change for a McChicken.

Secondly, you are required to work at least 10 hours a day, every day. Even Sundays. If you do the math, we’re talking a healthy 70 hours a week, or 49 hours in which you are awake and not working.

Out of those seven days, usually two are reserved for “call days”: days in which each agent calls through a list of about 100 to 150 designated “leads” –– sheets listing a union member’s name, address, phone number and union –– for eight hours with a quick, 10-minute break at the end of each hour. 

Just enough for a piss and a chat.

Now these leads consist of union members that had requested a small, free accidental death insurance policy (usually between $2,000 and $4,000) by filling out a 3x5 reply card that they had received in the mail. Many of these cards had been filled out years ago, making it highly possible that pipe-fitter John Dingle from Waterford had completely forgotten about the damn thing.

What made matters worse is that new agents, received crappy, old leads, meaning that many of the members in the pack had already been contacted by another agent within the past two years and had either declined to buy the “option B benefits” after he or she got their free stuff or had been uninterested in the no-cost benefits after finding out that an agent had to “drop them off” at their home to receive them. 

As you can imagine, most of these calls are ignored. Many that are received end up in hang-ups or an insistence in disinterest. Every once in a while you’ll get a guy who’ll drop a string of fucks, and rarely will you get an appointment set.

To be specific, you’re lucky to get 10 appointments set after 150 calls. 

After a call day, I’d usually get home from the office at about 10:30 p.m., exhausted and demotivated enough to make Eor sound like Tony Robbins.

In less than 12 hours, I would be out in the “field,” handing out some no-cost benefits and trying to persuade them into buying their permanent option B benefits (life insurance) as the script would say.

I didn’t count, but more than half of the appointments I set would no-show me, meaning they would either try to ignore your knock on the door thinking you would assume no one is home even though there were two cars sitting in the driveway, or they simply were gone and had completely forgotten about the appointment (even though I told them on the phone to write down when I’d be there).

It's bad enough that I must use my own gas and drive 25 minutes to your home just so you can give me piss-poor attitude while not making enough change to fall through a car seat. At least respect my time enough to be present at your own home and say no to my face.

However, even if every member committed to their appointment, this job would still be akin to putting bamboo under your fingernails, which is why 70 percent of a manager’s job is to motivate his agents, sometimes in the most annoying ways possible. For example, they required us to post messages at least once every 30 minutes on our Group Me –– a messaging board app –– log jamming it with motivational quotes, corny pictures, annoying GIFs and encouragement. Usually, this was done after someone had posted they had made a sale, added an appointment to their schedule, collected a referral, or were door knocking a member’s home.

Since roughly 11 agents comprised the Group Me board, the notifications were non-stop for the entire day you were in your car or in a home. Each minute I would hear my phone buzz, only receive a picture of a Lion leaping out of a pond with the words “rise and grind” placed in the lower-third.

Ah yes. Truly inspirational. Nothing fills my balls with testosterone more than a Lion leaping for a salmon.

No surprise, it didn’t take long to realize this gig wasn’t my cup of Joe. This past week was my first week alone in the field, and I quite Saturday at around 4 p.m. Now, my trial and error period with the company could have been completely avoided if the hiring superiors would have told me the hours, day-to-day tasks and commitments the position required.. But think about it from the company’s perspective. Why would you be completely transparent to candidates about a job that takes 100 of your time and pays out only when you’re making sales?

If they told everyone the ins and outs at the jump, they’d be lucky to hire 5 percent of their candidates. Moreover, many of their promising candidates – which I’ll be cocky enough to say I was one of them – would have turned down the offer on site.

Nevertheless, life is simply a collection of experiences, and with every new experience we learn something about ourselves, whether good or bad, so I refuse to act regretful or remorseful for trying something new. I learned that selling insurance doesn’t bring me pleasure, and moreover, I don’t have the salesman gene. That lesson itself was worth the experience, but that was far from the greatest part.

The people.

The individuals I met in that company were some of the kindest, friendliest, smartest, motivated and driven ladies and gents I had ever had the pleasure speaking to, especially my managers George and Brandon. Listening and working side-by-side with some of them made me learn not only about insurance but also work ethic, discipline, business and human nature in general. Moreover, I made relationships that will hopefully continue long after.

Yet and still, even great people won’t make a great job, which is why I decided to quit. The reason for this post isn’t to bitch about a job, it’s to say that you should never be afraid to quit a job that is not for you. I don’t care if you have $50,000 in college debt and you live with your parents, if you dread waking up every Monday to go to work, you’ll never find motivation to become better at your craft.

Let me be clear. I am NOT going to be cliché and say you should only do a job you love. I don’t believe in that shit. Work is a blessing, but nobody truly loves work. If somebody tells you they love working, slap them in the face and say they’re lying. Even your dream job will give you multiple days of stress, frustration, anger and sadness. No shit. This is life. I’m simply saying that you should find something you can stand doing for the next 30 years that allows you to have balance in your life and compensates you well enough that you don’t have to worry about how you’re going to pay your mortgage.

Unfortunately, these seemingly realistic job standards are hard to come by in 2018, which is what us Millennials are slowly starting to understand and why the job-search process will be much longer and more difficult than that of the generations before us.

This is part of the reason why I say it is good to quit in certain situations. Our entire lives we’re told to never quit. Losers quit. Lazy people quit. You should feel guilt and shame if you quit. Some of those clichés do hold water, but what your mom and dad didn’t tell you is to not waste your time trying to fit a square peg in a round whole.

You all have certain God-given talents, but you also must realize you are shitty at a multitude of things and have no business doing them. I suck at thousands of things. I can’t draw a crooked line straight. I blow ass at golf.

My point?

Just as you should know what you’re good at, you should also know what you suck at, which is often found through experience and is exactly why I don’t feel any shame in knowing I suck ass at selling insurance.

Just keep trying to find your purpose. Keep trying. Take risks. Take chances. Try something new if you haven’t found your niche, just don’t stop looking for your square hole, and learn from your experiences on the way.

If you keep trying, you can’t be a quitter.

God Bless, and keep it smooth as Tennessee Whiskey.

#job #career #quitting #firstpost #college #millennials #wisdom #blog #writing #message

[flauntpage]

Numbers Don’t Lie: Negative Thoughts Despite a Winning Streak after Flyers 4, Canucks 1

Let me get the formalities out of the way first, because I have a feeling that what I’m about to write isn’t going to be popular.

The Flyers have a three-game winning streak for the first time this season. The Flyers swept the Western Canada road trip, something that’s not easy to do.

Michael Raffl is on fire, having scored in each game. He now has five goals and two assists in his last eight.

Jake Voracek leads the NHL in assists, which is pretty impressive, especially since he has now been shifted away from the top line and yet is still producing.

The power play scored twice in a game for the first time in almost two months.

The penalty kill has not allowed a goal in the last four games and has killed off 12 straight opposition power plays over the past five games.

Dave Hakstol finally conceded his system wasn’t working, balanced the lineup better, changed to a more defensive approach – which is helping the team once it gets a lead – and is producing winning results.

Brian Elliott continues to provide top tier goaltending. He’s started 12 of the last 14 games, and even came in relief in one of the non-starts, and has been the Flyers best player most nights.

The Flyers continue to lead the NHL in fewest goals allowed at 5-on-5.

So, what could I possibly have to say that wouldn’t be a popular opinion?

How about that this is all a facade and really is unsustainable?

I know, rain on the parade, “old man yelling at clouds,” and all of those typical tropes that are spouted when a minority opinion is presented, are headed my way.

And yet, I can’t help but sit here and tell you that what you have seen on this three-game winning streak, that has my colleagues writing about turnarounds and possible playoff appearances, is no more than fool’s gold, a false flag, a mirage.

And here’s why:

As many of you know, I’ve always been Switzerland in the great argument about how much value to put into statistical analytics in hockey.

In short, my argument has always been that that analytics have always existed in hockey, just not as we know them today. Coaches used to measure Corsi back in the day with their own system of determining scoring chances. All Corsi did was standardize the measurement.

And analytics have taken off from there with some interesting findings but many limitations.

There are those who are slaves to these numbers – and they are misguided. There are also those old school curmudgeons who refuse to accept them at all – and they too are misguided.

The actual positive use of these analytics falls somewhere in between. How to best utilize the information to improve a team’s success?

With every team using analytics in some capacity, that’s the only way to separate winning organizations from losing organizations, with all things being equal.

And there is a lot of equality in hockey these days. Sure, there are bottom feeders, and there are your annual Cup contenders, but on a given night, in a given game, odds of winning and losing don’t sway much more than, say, an average Corsi chart where the better teams are posting a 5-on-5 CF% of 55 and the worst teams are posting a CF% of 45.

Actually, when you look at the list for the season, the best Corsi team, the Carolina Hurricanes, are 54.76% and the worst Corsi team, the Anaheim Ducks are 45.45%.

And those numbers may surprise you. Carolina is last place in the Metropolitan Division, yes, even behind the Flyers – although they have two games in hand on and are only one point back – while the Ducks are only two points out of the final Wild Card spot in the Western Conference.

But, again, there is more to looking at a team than just their Corsi.

For example, Carolina’s power play is awful. It ranks 28th in the NHL at 15.73%. And their penalty kill is even worse at 75%, ranking 29th in the League.

So, as good a puck possession team as the Hurricanes are, they lose games because they don’t have good special teams – and special teams, in hockey, are the difference between winning and losing.

It’s why a team like the New Jersey Devils, struggling to drive the play 5-on-5 and ranking 29th in the NHL in CF% at 46.55, can find themselves sitting in first place in the Metropolitan Division – because both of their power play and penalty kill rank in the top 10.

But one thing is certain, you can’t be bad at all three and expect to be a playoff contender. Even if you are winning games – like the Flyers have this week.

See, the Flyers can tout the fact that they have allowed the fewest goals at 5-on-5 and think that’s indicative of good team play, but it’s not.

What it is indicative of is that the goaltending has been better than expected. It is also indicative of players being forced to block a lot of shots. What it fails to tell you is the Flyers are being seriously outplayed 5-on-5 most nights, which is where Corsi is an excellent measurement.

Lets look at all three scenarios just mentioned.

First, the goaltending

Elliott has pretty much cemented himself as the Flyers No. 1 goalie. His overall numbers won’t wow you, and in the rankings he’s pretty low. His 2.79 goals against average (GAA) ranks 20th in the NHL among goalies with at least 15 appearances. His save percentage (SvPct) of .912 ranks 15th among that same group.

Based on those standard numbers alone, Elliott would be considered a middle of the road guy.

But his team isn’t helping him.

Considering the Flyers are not a good puck possession team (we’ll get to this more in a minute, but they rank 21st in the NHL), Elliott is facing more shots than most goalies. In fact, he ranks sixth in the NHL in most shots faced at 5-on-5 with 562 and of the five goalies in front of him, four have played in more games than Elliott.

In fact, only Frederik Andersen in Toronto (27.96) and Andrei Vasilevskiy in Tampa Bay (27.00) are averaging more even strength shots faced per start than Elliott (26.76).

And at even strength, Elliott is better than his overall numbers with a SvPct of .925.

Not to mention, since Nov. 9, Elliott has had a GAA of 2.57 and an all situations SvPct. of .925.

In short, he’s been carrying the Flyers.

And the reality of the situation is, they can’t expect him to do this every game or over the course of many games. Sure, they can give him the Ric Flair robe like they did after beating Vancouver last night, but Elliott is going to regress back to his mean at some point.

It won’t be an incredible regression, but his career SvPct. is .913, and he’s only sustained a .925 SvPct. or better twice in his career – and in both instances he was a part-time goalie and not the de facto No. 1 guy.

Second, the shot blocking

Again, I’m not someone who has a problem with guys who block shots. It’s an admirable, team-oriented, selfless approach to help win hockey games. Guys should be lauded for it and not criticized, as is the Flyers Twitter trend.

So, when you see Ivan Provorov tied for fifth in the NHL with 66 blocks or Andrew MacDonald eigth in the league in blocked shots per game played (2.42) or guys like Robert Hagg (42) and Brandon Manning (30) averaging more than a blocked shot per game, don’t criticize them for their efforts.

Instead, be concerned that the Flyers don’t have the puck enough.

The Flyers are 7th in the NHL with 439 blocked shots. That means they are blocking 15.14 shots per game.

Think about that for a second.

That’s five shots per period. That’s one every four minutes of ice time.

That’s a lot.

(And to think there are six teams who are doing it more is mind-boggling).

But all this indicates the Flyers spend way too much time without the puck and that, even worse, they aren’t forcing teams to give up the puck.

The Flyers have just 158 takeaways this season. That ranks 29th in the NHL. That means they are too passive when the other team has the puck. They aren’t actively trying to separate puck carriers from the puck.

That’s not me shouting from the press box, “Hit somebody,” but that guy does occasionally have a point.

The Flyers aren’t physical enough, plain and simple.

This isn’t a call for action to return the game to the goon-it-up style that permeated the sport for many years. Not at all. But, there has to be some physicality in hockey. You have to hunt the puck. You have to want it more than the other team.

And when you are only forcing 5.45 takeaways per game, you aren’t doing it enough.

Conversely, the Flyers have 291 giveaways this season (12th in the NHL), or 10.04 per game – almost double what they’re taking back.

Not good.

Third, puck possession

We don’t really need to dwell on this long, because we’ve made the point already, but the Flyers 5-on-5 CF% for the season is 48.55, which ranks 21st in the NHL.

So, don’t let the whole “fewest goals allowed at 5-on-5” fool you. They aren’t playing great hockey 5-on-5.

And if you want to buy into what they’ve done the last three games. I give you the Game flow charts (courtesy of NaturalStatTrick.com) for the last three games – all of which were wins.

at Calgary:

at Edmonton:

at Vancouver:

The Edmonton game wasn’t terrible, but the other two were. I’m telling you, you can’t win consistently when playing like this. Sorry.

Finally, special teams

We talked about how special teams make such a huge difference in hockey. It can make a good puck possession team (Carolina) mediocre and it can make a bad puck possession team (New Jersey) look like a Cup contender.

So, what are the Flyers?

We already pointed out they are a bad puck possession team. So, to be a successful team in conjunction with that, they need to be better on special teams right?

Uhhh…

Los Angeles Kings coach John Stevens looks at special teams like baseball stat geeks look at OPS (on base percentage plus slugging percentage).

In baseball, that combination, when added together, should be .800 or higher for a truly impactful player.

In hockey, Stevens likes to call it STP (specialty teams percentage).

He told me that when adding your power play percentage together, 110 or higher was the ultimate goal, but anything between 105-110 would mean you are a really good hockey team. 100-105 is acceptable, but you should try and be better.

“Anything under 100 is really not good at all,” he told me. “You very likely aren’t making the playoffs if it’s under 100.”

The Flyers STP currently is 96.41.

Yeah. Not good at all.

The power play is mediocre, sitting smack dab in the middle of the league rankings at 16th with a 19.19% success rate.

The penalty kill is terrible. Even with it’s recent run of 12 straight kills and no goals allowed in four straight games after allowing at least one goal in seven straight, the penalty kill still ranks 25th in the league at 77.22%.

This combination is not a positive harbinger of things to come.

Instead, it is indicative of a mediocre – at best – hockey team. One that is prone to inconsistency. One that, no matter what you read or hear elsewhere, is not rebounding from their 10-game losing streak to suddenly become a playoff contender again.

I hate to be a Debbie Downer on the day following their longest winning streak of the season, but it’s a reality.

These numbers don’t lie.

  Numbers Don’t Lie: Negative Thoughts Despite a Winning Streak after Flyers 4, Canucks 1 published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv