#the enormity of my desire disgusts me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

typewriter-worries · 1 year

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desire is suffering

Half-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016; ‘Dream Reveals in Neon the Great Addictions, Frank Bidart ( @wahabibi ) | Dante and Virgil in Hell, William-Adolphe Bouguereau | Vestiges, Ángel García | Blasphemia, Eliran Kantor | So We Must Meet Apart, Jennifer S. Cheng ( @yoursoethereal ) | Prigione di Lacrime, Roberto Ferri | Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 2, 1928-9; Sunday, November 4th, Simone de Beauvoir ( @theoptia ) | Ludwig Drahosch | War of the Foxes, Richard Siken ( @elfreys )

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ivynightshade · 1 year

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fatima aamer bilal, from all hunger is, is love.

[text id: oh, how i would pray to get sick so my mother would take care of me.]

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colligevirgorosasus · 1 year

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never having had a romantic experience is like. there is a rabid dog inside of me. i lock her in the basement when we have guests, i lie about all the places we’ve been and i give them advice on their dogs. i kick her at night. sometimes people ask about her, or they leave meat at the foot of the stairs. i say she is tired and that she doesn’t like strangers. i know she waits at the door. she has never eaten anything at all, but she has more than 100 million smell receptors. she doesn’t want to bite you. i know her claws scratch the door. she doesn’t want to bite you. i kick her because there is nothing more embarrassing than a dog who begs for something they cannot have.

#the enormity of my desire disgusts me #and all that other shit

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thedoverbitch · 10 months

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A Quiet Life For Those Who Are Insatiable

Recently my For You Page is filled with slideshows of people sharing their "quiet life". These slideshows includes pictures in nature, warm drinks in cute mugs, books, phone calls with parents. A quiet life is something soft. Something safe and personal. I'm aware that social media is extremely curated. These are the best pictures people could find and they've edited and arranged them to look "aesthetic". But a quiet life doesn't seem that unattainable. It's an existence where life is something you live, not something you fight for.

This trend made me realize that my life is far from quiet. It's breathless and ruthless and I am always starving for something. Since I was a child I have been ridiculously ambitious. Once my mother told me that I would have to miss ballet because we were going to a friend's birthday party and I cried. I told her that if I missed class my teacher wouldn't think I was dedicated and I wouldn't be moved to the upper level. I was eight.

Ballet was where I directed all of my insanity for about sixteen years. I went to three different studios and took private lessons just to get enough training. In the fall I spent every weekend at Nutcracker rehearsal, then every weekend in the spring at auditions until concert rehearsals started up. In the summers I'd spend weeks at prestigious summer intensives where I would sometimes be on pointe for six hours a day. Needless to say, this lifestyle wasn't sustainable. I tore both of my patella tendons and was out of dance for six months. My scoliosis worsened to the point where dance became excruciatingly painful. By the time my teachers wanted me to audition for professional programs, I was burnt out and had done permanent damage to my body. So did I learn my lesson and chill out after ruining my ballet career before it even really started? Of course not, I just redirected all that ambition into my academics.

There's a fire that lights in me when I have a goal. There's a look in my eyes, a feeling in my chest when I really, really want something. When I'll do whatever it takes to get it. My ambition and the standards I hold myself to have gotten me to where I am today, and I'm grateful for that. But now good isn't enough. I've been good before, now it's just my baseline. I can't just be good, I have to be perfect. I have to be once in a lifetime. Even when I'm awarded scholarships for being "outstanding" in my department or get A's in all my classes...it's not enough. Nothing I do is ever enough.

So my life is not quiet. My life is a constant bellowing voice in my ear pushing me to be more even when I am exhausted. Reminding me that I will never be as good as I once was and I'll never be as good as everyone else. But I imagine it. A life where my success doesn't rely on the parts of my life with a score attached to them. A life where I am gentle and soft, where there is no fire or ash. A life where, like Mary Oliver said, I do not have to be good, I only have to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves. A life where one day I won't look down and find my own blood on my hands. Where I won't try and fail to scrub it off calling "out damn spot!" and knowing my ambition has run me to ruin.

I know my cautionary tales, I do, but I'm still insatiable. I worry that I'm incapable of being satisfied. That I am not good enough for anything and nothing is good enough for me. I worry that I ruin everything, no matter how much I love it. That the very loving of the thing, is what makes me destroy it and myself in the process. I want a quiet life. I don't want to keep killing everything I love.

#thedoverbitch #thedoverbitchblog #writing #writers on tumblr #ballet #ballerina #quiet life #tiktok #macbeth #ambition #the enormity of my desire disgusts me

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bullfrogdiaries · 1 year

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i want to be known so badly i like rattle with it. like dear god. sitting in my sunlit room with my silly shorts on, my curls catching the light, knitting my stupid, feeble attempt at a scarf. there is someone here worth knowing. but no one is giving me the chance to be known.

#self #love #the enormity of my desire disgusts me #thoughts

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mashbrainrot · 1 year

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if only you guys knew how long I have wanted a gif set of those bj and charles moments in gfa...

#the enormity of my desire disgusts me #and all this time i literally should have just. asked nicely. embarrassing.

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susbiria · 2 years

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