#thats why its so hard. i dont want pity.

[leetm]

grief is so hard man. it was around this time of year i was going to see my brother. spending time watching white chicks or norbit or some other silly thing. now i have memories. it feels like he's still here though. in my nieces eyes. their smiles. their faces. in our family's humor. in our love. he'll always be here.

#i miss him so much. #chatter #death tw #his birthday just passed. my 33 yr old bighead. #my grandma's bday is coming up too #gotta get her special entenmann cake ♡ #my bf just knew sth was up sjdjsjw #the way he knows me is so scary.. but idk grief is so. i can talk abt it sometimes? #idk why i choose not to. like. i dont want the ppl around me to start feeling badshwjwj #thats why its so hard. i dont want pity. #i just want my brother back.

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

sitting in bed eating cheese absolutely stewing

#so im doing the dishes and heard a knock on the door right. and bc both my parents r downstairs i answer it #and guess fucking what? its the guy i literally switched out of french to avoid because he kept asking me super invasive questions #so im like What the fuck do u want. and he starts this whole pity story about how he was soooo worried when i kept disappearing from school #and how id sometimes come back with bruises and never explained anything to him so he had 'no choice' but to FIND MY ADDRESS and check in #his words btw. this boy told me to my FACE that me having a private life FORCED him to stalk me to my fucking home #and i just saw RED. good thing is that when i get mad i get icy and brutal so i spent five minutes telling this thick skulled idiot that #he has no right to know anything abt me that i didnt tell him and you know what he does???? #this audacious motherfucker says Lets not do this on the porch. and then tries to push his way into my fucking house. thats a hard no for me #so i told him exactly what was gonna happen: he was either going to get off my property and stay away from me or i would call the cops #and remove him by force. id like to say that i literally said he had ten seconds to leave or id start throwing punches #and he goes .... Cant we just talk abt this 🥺??? so i break his nose. and i was within my legal rights to do so bc he was trespassing soooo #yeah anyways i just cannot fucking BELIEVE the entitlement and audacity of some ppl. like its my fucking life i dont have to tell u shit !!! #what the fuck!!! why do they always think im playong hard to get like ffs leave me ALONE #so that was my night 😙✌️ i hope he dies ! #hollyws

[desireesfics]

bad habits.

pairing: dealer!ellie x reader.

summary: when you were a kid you had always put a pillow or a big stuffed animal between your legs, you honestly felt comfort by it. but tonight you decided it was going to be somebodies head.

warnings: uh widely ellie giving head?, use of drugs, girls kissing 🤯, swearing, a little bit of dacryphilia, pretty self-indulgent i know its weird im sorry — MINORS DNI !!

a/n: just because the strikes ended does not mean you shouldnt stop posting about palestine!

———————

you were helpless, depressed even. being locked up in your dorm for god knows how long. your friends had been nagging you about various parties on campus, you simply just left them on read, not wanting to deal with the aftermath of the party.

it wasnt until now that you had decided to go. not because you wanted to, you were going against your own will.

your friends, isabella, mattie and thea were forcing you out of your dorm because the state you were in right now was just honestly disgusting.

you were packing a bag to go over to isabellas house because they werent letting you stay in that dorm for a minute more, when thea said. “youve been stuck in here for forever, we havent seen you in awhile, we miss you girl.”

you sighed, reaching over to your closet to find an outfit appropriate for tonight. “look i know, things just havent been the best right now.” you didnt bother to look back because you know all thats going to be written on their faces will be pity.

“can you guys help me pick an outfit atleast?” they squeal, marching over to you before yanking you out of their ways.

mattie held up a dress, it was pink, delicate, something you would were on a picnic.

“dude, thats so basic.” isabella called out from the side, rolling her eyes at matties choice.

“i dont wear stuff like this— how would i fucking know?” she huffed.

“calm down guys, why dont we let ms depresso give us an idea of what she wants?” thea shouts over the teo annoyingly loud girls.

“i— depresso? seriously? not even funny.” you roll your eyes before pulling up pinterest on your phone, you always managed to find decent outfits off of the app.

you typed in ‘party outfits aesthetic.’ before you landed on something similar you had in your closet.

the outfit had a mini, mini, mini, mini black skirt paired with a black lettuce-cut, corset bralette looking thingy and just below that, knee-high boots. you admit it, you looked hot as fuck.

“damn girl, if i were gay id definitely hit you up.” way to go isabella, way to go.

“oh please youre totally into girls, youre acting like you dont eye that dina girl everytime we walk around her area on campus.” mattie adds.

isabella did everything in her will power to ignore the comment, but she couldnt help but blush.

the look of approval shot around the room was hilarious and you all burst out into laughter. you really havent felt this good in awhile.

quickly memorising the girl mattie had mentioned before, you could remember she would always be hanging around with someone else.

“hey, any of you know the girl dina hangs with? i cant think of her name.” you think hard, like really hard, you knew the girl was attractive from all the times you had seen her since isabella coincidentally hung there too.

“yeah, her names ellie, i buy from her sometimes. why, you got the hots for her?” thea teases.

“just shut up and give me her insta.” you roll your eyes, playfully shoving the girl as the two others made ‘oooooh’ sounds.

“fine, just give me a second.” thea whips out her phone and starts going through her following. she clicks on a profile and holds the phone up to you so you could get a good look.

her account was private, by the looks of it she had a batman smoking weed profile picture? interesting.. her user was ‘@ellieisawesome327.’

sounds like a name some 5 year old would put on secretly. “oh, interesting.” you couldnt help but giggle, she obviously wasnt the best at using this stuff.”

you pulled out your phone and searched for her user, you didnt follow it just yet, you thought it would be creepy since she didnt know you at all. you simply just kept the name in the search bar, ready for when you actually want to follow her.

———————

a few hours had passed and you all had gotten done up, makeup, hair, outfits, everything you would do before a party.

“whos car we taken’?” mattie asked. you and the others looked at her like she was some idiot.

“theres only one car in the driveway, take a guess numbskull?” thea pointed out, mattie pouted.

“rude.” she huffed. turning around to scroll on tiktok.

you were sitting on the bed, getting comfy since the party wasnt for another hour, when you spotted one of isabellas pillow. you had put it between your legs, you found some comfort in doing that ever since you were a kid, it was a weird and bad habit.

“whatre ya’ doin silly?” isabella pointed out, she sort of new you had this weird habit of putting things between your legs.

“getting comfy, what does it look like?” you roll your eyes, scrolling through your instagram feed.

“if you actually want something between your legs, try and get head tonight.” isabella added. it was a harmless joke, your group had always joked like this. you toned out the muffled giggles in the back thinking if you should actually get laid tonight.

it had been awhile since you had had sex, and it was getting annoying hearing everyones ‘wild’ stories.

you tool the pillow out from between your legs and threw it back into its position it was in before.

“you guys think we should get going? the parties in twenty minutes.” thea said. you all nodded and got up from your positions to march off to the car.

the drive was ten minutes, you put on your group playlist, it was made for roadtrips you guys took every once and awhile. but tonight you just needed to hear something other then their voices.

you were all vibing to the music when it eventually came to a stop. you sighed and got out of the car, shivering as the cold wind hit your very exposed body.

everyone walked in, it wasnt exactly packed, but you hesitated and mattie noticed that.

mattie was the average femme grouped masc. the one to carry around the shopping bags when you went shopping kind of girl. she was sweet, there were times where you had found yourself harmlessly crushing over her. she knew you had a bit of anxiety and offered you some of her meds before leaving but you kindly declined.

now obviously regretting your decision, she gripped onto your hand and squeezed it tight, for reassurance. you smiled and walked in with the others.

———————

it had been 2 hours and the group had split, isa probably off eating dinas face off, mattie chatting with some of the guys from a basketball team she had played against when faking being a guy as a dare, and thea off buying or even selling drugs. you were sat on a dusty old couch, not exactly wasted but definitely not sober.

you hadnt noticed you were sitting next to the girl whos instagram you were stalking earlier. but the realisation hit when you smelt weed from her direction.

she was very obviously eye fucking you, she wasnt even shy about it, it couldve been the weed that was in her system or she was wildly bold.

“hey?” you started off your soon long to be conversation.

“hi.” she was caught off guard when she realised you were talking to her.

“ellie right?” she nodded and you exchanged your name to her, along with numbers. you sat back further into the couch, parting your legs a little giving her a slight view of what was under you skirt. you enjoyed the fact that she was looking. a little smirk appeared on your face and she didnt notice it.

“my friend thea buys from you right?” she snapped her head up to look into your eyes. you noticed the green in her eyes under the blue hue of the lights in the room. she nodded,

“yeah why? wanna buy from me?” you shook your head.

“kinda tight on money right now, i would though.” you sighed, resting your head on your hand.

she thought for a minute. “ill share a blunt with you, only coz’ youre cute.” she winked and you blushed.

“oh, thanks..” you stare off awkwardly waiting for her to light it, she was wondering if she made you uncomfortable.

“s—sorry, didnt mean to make you uncomfortable.” you shook your head a smiled before she handed you the joint.

you took a puff and handed it back to her, waiting a bit before exhaling. you noticed she was manspreading. then you noticed she didnt quite look like any other girls that were at the party, very masculine. is she lesbian? no surely not, maybe she just likes being comfortable.

ellie was wearing a worn-out jacket, joels. she wore it everywhere she went.

she caught you staring at the position she was in, fighting the urge to spread them further. you noticed she was holding back from something and looked up at her, oh shit she caught you.

a shit eating grin was plastered on her face. “you ‘kay?” she asked, the same smug expression written all over her face.

you nodded and took the blunt out of her hand. you were blushing under the dim lights in the corner, the rest of the place was filled with colourful lights changing every second.

she started blushing too, she didnt know why. you looked up to her with parted lips. the high kind of kicking in now.

“can i.. kiss you?” you asked softly. you regretted that so hard, fuck fuck fuck she probably doesnt like girls..

she moved closer, draping a hand over your shoulder. “thought youd never ask.” she smirked before smashing her lips onto yours.

the kiss was hungry, like she was desperate for something, you couldnt quite place your tongue on it. the only thing placed on your tongue right now was hers. you kissed her back with just as much passion.

the moans you let out were absolutely pornographic. ellie knew she had to do something about this, stopping the kiss whilst you let out a whine from the lack of attention.

you were borderline wet, like waterpark wet, and it wasnt helping that you were wearing a flimsy skirt that had rode up in the process.

“cmon’ princess.” she took your hand, you felt a bit clumsy for some reason, dizzy, your head was foggy, only thinking about how good she tasted.

you followed her around as she knocked on various locked rooms. finally breaking one open, she slammed it shut, locking it and pressing you up against it. not to hard though, wouldnt wanna hurt your pretty little head.

“fuck, youre so goddamn hot.” she mumbled between kisses. you couldnt help but moan at how turned on she made you feel.

she pushed her knee up between your thighs and you shivered, grinding down onto it. chasing the very needed friction.

you wondered how such an innocent question like ‘can i kiss you?’ turned into you riding on her knee.

“els’, please..” that shit eating grin reappeared on her face and you just wanted to smack it right off, you rolled your eyes. your words and wetness only boosted her ego more.

“please what baby?” she teased. why was she teasing you? you couldnt take it. tears started bubbling in your eyes.

“please just— fuck me.” you mumble out. she liked the sight of you crying, so desperate for her. she was going to tease you more before you actually got what you wanted.

“what was that?” she smirked.

you looked up at her through teary eyes. “can you, uh— go down on me? please?” you were begging, that was a sight.

she pulled you over to the bed, through the dimly light room. “strip.”

you did as she said, it wasnt hard to take off your clothes since there was barely anything on you. first your top, leaving you in a skimpy black lacy bra to match your underwear. then came the boots and skirt.

finally, leaving you in a two piece set. she was waiting patiently for you to take them off. you dont know why you were so hesitant, maybe it was because you hadnt done this in awhile, or maybe it was because her stare was so intense it made your stomach do flips, distracting you from the easy task.

she walked over to help you since you couldnt finish what you had started. “d’ you want this?” you nodded painfully slow.

she peeled off your underwear, holding them up to get a good look before back down to your now bare cunt. it was dripping at the sight of her.

“s’ wet for me princess.” she smirked once more, if she smirked anymore her face would probably get stuck like that.

then came the bra, she asked you to turn around so she could unclip it, she was slightly struggling since she wasnt used to these fancy bras, only because she wears a sports bra.

you giggled and reached your arms behind you to take it off, turning around to leave her ogling at the sight of you.

“youre so beautiful.” you blushed, hard. she looked up at you for some sort of reassurance and you nodded.

a minute ago she was so dominant and now shes sweeter than a cookie. you adored that.

she reached her hands out to cup your tits, so soft, she thought. squeezing them and pinching your now hardened, pebbled nipples.

she elicited a moan out of you. you sat back on the bed for comfort and she dived into them. sucking harshly on your tits.

you couldnt tell if you hated it or loved it, your monas were telling her otherwise.

she left purple marks all over your neck, tits, stomach, anywhere she could mark really. you were huffing, all you needed her to do was touch you down there.

“patience baby.” she replied to your subtle huffs. you rolled your eyes, pleading with your body language as you rolled your hips into nothing.

her head moved down slowly, taking time with your body as if you werent some one night stand. did she actually like you?

she kissed all over your stomach and you felt giddy, you were giggling at how it tickled.

the she dipped her head low, taking in how soaked you were. the whole time you had been rubbing your thighs together. any subtle touch made you go crazy.

she fully dived in, and you moaned her name out, loud enough to here over the booming music. “e-els!” she teased your clit with her tongue, licking a stripe down, giving your clit kitten kisses.

her tongue reached places your fingers couldn’t surprisingly. you couldnt stop panting. it felt like heaven.

your vision was going blurry, white, if the coil in your belly bubbled anymore it was going to snap. “ellie.. i—im gonna!..” she moaned into your pussy, sending hypnotising vibrations into it.

“i know baby, come for me.” those words was the thing that snapped the bubbling coil.

you felt hot slick pool out of you, she lapped up all she could, almost overstimulating you. you were panting.

she got up and laid beside you, toying with your plush tits. you could almost fall asleep right then and there.

“alright,” she patted your thigh. “i gotta get going, heres my number though.” she pulled out a random piece of paper from her pocket and a pen. had she been preparing for this? you thought. she handed you the note like a little kindergartener and put her shirt back on.

you had the sudden urge to shove a pillow between your legs, whining from the loss. you fought back everything in you to shove the pillow that was staring at you between your legs. you watched ellie leave,

she left you on the bed looking back at you to smile before closing the door behind you. you eventually got up and put your clothes on, walking over to the bathroom that was in the small room to fix up your hair and makeup.

you realised your hand was still clutching that little piece of paper. you looked at it and read it slowly, still regaining composure.

‘**** **** **** **** message me ;) x’

you probably werent going to message her, but just incase, you slipped the note into your purse and walked out of the room going to look for you friends to take them home, luckily ellie had sobered you up.

———————

a/n: im sorry the ending actually sucks i was getting sick of this and i needed to get it out of my drafts. should i turn it into a series were reader actually messages ellie? idk.

#lesbian #ellie williams #ellie x reader #lgbtqia #i need ellie bro #wlw #bad habits #ellie williams tlou #ellie tlou #ellie is so hot #ellie x fem reader #ellie smut

[greenunoreversecard]

Don't hide your pain

-> Angel dust x reader

A/N: I made this of my own violation. I needed to therapize myself

Reader POV, ftm male, who's ✨️traumatized✨️

It always starts like this.

Things go well for a while. Things go great, even.

And then it gets bad. And it stays bad, and i ruin every close relationship and im alone.

And then it repeats.

I just wish I could be better. I guess that's why I'm at the hotel.

Things have been good for a while, so good, infact I though the cycle could be over.

Angel brought so much light to my life. He made me feel so happy, and wanted and needed.

And I was so much better. But it seems like the happier I was the worse i fall.

I sigh, rolling over in my bed, grabbing my phone. Fuck it's late in the day. Charlie will be upset, but i cant seem to care. I just- I don't wanna leave my bed.

I look away from my lockscreen, a blurry picture of angel in my Hoodie chasing after nuggets, who has his phone in his mouth, trying to run away with it. It caught angel off guard, and i was laughing so hard i couldnt get a steady photo.

Its one of my favorite memories. I feel a small smile tug at my lips, but my body and my face feel like led that I can barely move.

Theres a knock at my door.

"Hey, baby. Are you ok? Haven't seen you in a day, and I wanted to make sure ya alright.." I hear his quiet voice as the door squeaking lightly as Angle peeks in, silhouette gently illuminated from the light in the hallway.

I grumble in reply and roll over. He sighs, and for a moment I think he leaves but i feel him sit on my bed, next to me. I can feel his warmth. Despite having the features of a cold-blooded spider, he's always run rather hot.

He rests his hand on my back.

"Baby, I can't help you if you dont talk ta me"

Irritation rises in me.

"Don't. I dont need you. I dont need your fucking pity. Just fuck off, please." I say, voice rough and shoulders tense.

His determination doesn't deter, though.

"I don't pity you, love. I just wanna help."

I know my irritation is irrational, logically. But I can't help being angry. Angry I am this way, angry I'm so helpless. And I'm ahry he has to see me like this, considering he has it so much worse. He deserves better than this. Better than me. But I can't seem to stop the slow of my defensive anger, vomiting out words I'm uncertain seraid him I know they do me coming out my mouth.

"Don't pretend, angie."

"I'm serious, though. I want to help."

"Don't play with me. I don't need you, and I don't need your pity."

"Why are you doing this?"

This freezes me. I tense. I don't know why I do this. I don't know why I'm hurting him. I don't know why I'm hurting myself by hurting the only person thats treated me like a fucking sentient being..

I realise, at this point, he's as rigid as a brick, and I look over at him. He tears in the corners of his eyes, eyes slighrly red from the effort it takes to stop his tears. His hair is a mess, and he's shaking, God's he's shaking.

"I- please, sugar. I just wanna help you but- but I can't if you push us away. I you push me away. I- I don't wanna lose you. I can't fucking lose you. And I can feel you sliping and its- it's scary. Please, if not for you then for me."

At this, a sob wracks its way through my body, every viceral emotion I've held back hitting me like a dam destroyed. Apologies spewing through my lips like it's a lifeline. And in a way, it is. Because, I know hes right. And I know if I continue on the way I do, I'll be destroyed at my own hands. And I'll lose him, I'll lose my lifeline.

...

..

.

I don't know how long I cry for. It's all kind of blurry, really. I know i tell him everything ive hid from him about my life through choked sobs, and at some point he's holding me to his chest, gently stroking my hair, touch gentle but deep, afraid to let me go as if I'll disappear, or break like glass.

The good never used to last for long, but maybe this time I can make it last forever.

So long as I have him.

--------------

End note: vv rushed lmfao. Anywhore, hopes this gives a small gauge as to my writing style. I can also try my hand at different possibilities.

Hope ye likey likey

#no beta we die like jason todd #Hazbinhotel x reader #Hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel angel dust #Hazbin hotel fic #Angel dust x reader #Angel dust x male reader #Hazbin Hotel x male reader #Angel dust #Angst #hurt/comfort #Angel dust fic #Hazbin hotel headcankn #Hazbin hotel one-shot #Angel dust one-shot #Angel dust headcanon

[aristia-pjoheadcanons]

HOO Crew - Argo Headcanons

Headcanons of the Heroes of Olympus cast on Argo II.

I´d like to imagine that they had bonding activities Behind-The-Scene, just so they can understand how each person works and figure out their strengths.

UNO, TWISTER, SPIN THE BOTTLE, TRUTH OR DARE, WOULD YOU RATHER- ANY GAMES AVAILABLE. Leo has thought of it all.

Connor and Travis probably snuck in theri prank supplies for them to use. Annabeth and Piper wouldnt mind pranking the boys - swapping theri shampoos and making them smell different. (small pranks that only they notice)

Percy and Frank are just confused why the duo is giggling and sneaking glances during breakfast.

Hazel wouldnt want to miss out, having the ourage to just walk into Annabeths/Pipers room "Hey, what are you guys up to?" and joining on the fun.

Making strategic plans for every duo, trio, and combining different people together for every scenario. My girls would think of everything, Annabeth taking the leader-role. Plan a way to attack a monster, with FRANKXANNABETH LEOXANNABETH, PERCYXJASON - Like I said, different combinations of people and figuring out the best choices.

Frank and Annabeth are the most versatile out of everyone. They can be combined with everyone. Percy, Jason and Leo have some drawbacks-since theyre used to doing things in their own tempo even though they have already been on a quest with people they cna easily defeat a monster by themselves. Piper and Annabeth decided to work together - a girl with emotions as her weakness (her pride) x a stubborn girl that ran away from her emotions but is forced to see it as her strength (because of the abilitiy Aphrodite gave). Piper being the best medeator, the balance that holds the glue but can also need reassurance - if the stress is too much she needs support.

Annabeth, Frank, Jason combo would work but would be somewhat slow since theyre all leaders and have great minds-but they have different POVs of things and can often fall into a deep discussion-which you often dont have time for on the battlefield. its not like they argue, but theyre the types of people to think very deeply for every plan. Jason would see the strategic side of Frank and invite him inside his cabinroom, because he can see a leader inside of him. Then, Jason would invite him to join his and Annabeths planning.

Piper and Percy would be awkward at first, until they start talking about monsters theyve fought. Percy loves the stories Piper tells, because they always have wisdom and something to learn from. Her stories helped him understand that every situation different perspetives if youre willing to see it. It taught him patience & tolerance. Instead of being quick to anger, control is important-perhaps thats why he could control the poison in Misery, Pipers teaching helped his powers grow in a different way.

Leo having insecurity issues, would struggle to fit in with the others. I see him almost as a self pitying character, but he denies any self pity at the same time. With Hazel and funnily enough, Frank he would see strength. More on this later.

Nico would sit on the highest branch on the ship. Frank would fly and give him a blanket and silently sit there as a bird. Nico would only eat grapes, Hazel would always offer food and Nico would smell it and say it smells nice but never eat it. "When you eat, I feel full" he would say to try to reassure her.

Percy wouldnt mind letting people use his room as a way to hangout, but the problem would be cleaning up after sleepovers. Leo has snacks stashed everywhere, where not even Coach Hedge can ge this hands on. They would all be on a sugar high and have a hard time sleeping afterwards.

You would think that it is the girls who gossip in theri room the most but NOO its the boys. They all gossip about someone or something. And they live for it. They would try to invite Nico but since he would say no, they just make sure to gossip where Nico is sitting so that he can atleast hear. The girls would be downstairs and the guys would be on deck talking smack about some bitch in the past.

Jason and Percys dynamic would be fine, but they would butt heads for no reason. Which could mostly be due to stress and not sleeping well. I just dont really see them fighting over any leader spot, since WiseGirl is there to take that role.

#child of ares #greek mythology #pjo #percy jackson headcanons #ares cabin #percy jackson scenarios #ares #percy jackson #children of ares #percy jackson x male reader #percy jackon and the olympians #percy pjo #pjo au #chalice of the gods #pjo text post #the heroes of olympus #annabeth #piper #piper mclean #leo valdez #hazel levesque #nico di angelo #nico child of hades #hoo #pjo ares cabin #pjo series #pjo headcanon #pjo fandom #riordanverse

[jazzyspams]

I tried to resist

pairing: abby x fem!reader x ellie

rating: explicit. (18+. mdni.)

summary: abby has liked you since high school but you always had eyes for your best friend, ellie; but ellie never saw you that way. which made abby hate you and ellie, ellie for not seeing the girl in front of her who loved her, and you for still being stuck on someone who didn’t truly see you

word count: a little over 7k

warnings: modern college, somewhat love triangle, jealous abby, dom!abby, switch! abby for just a bit, pussy spanking, alcohol, dirty talk, scissoring, teasing, multiple orgasms, lots of jealousy from all characters, begging, degradation kink, praise!!!!!, porn with a feelings, edging, just overall very smutty lmfao

a/n: definitely not proof read, it’s literally 1:28 and this came to mind. please go easy on me and enjoy!

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

you’re impatient. looking at the clock, the time read “2:46”. fuck only four more minutes left. you leg was shaking impatiently, you look back to see your worst enemy. the devil itself. abby fucking anderson, she was also looking at the large clock plastered right in the middle in the large classroom

her eyes turned to you and that devil grin she always wore was smacked on her face, she raised her eyebrows in a “its on” type of way. she always did that when she got competitive, but the everyone knows you’re more competitive so you raise your eyebrows back, in the same manner

you look at the clock again, only one minute left. you quickly throw on your backpack and place your hands on the long table that went across the classroom. you prayed that you would get there before abby considering she was on the third row and you were on the second. you looked at the steps and also prayed that they didn’t make you fall

the clock read “2:50” and you ran. you ran up the steps of the classroom, thankfully passing abby. you yelled sorry to the students you bumped into. ellie started running beside you, you didn’t know when but she did; you turn to her and smile

you look back and see abby running behind you; she wasn’t too far behind and she was catching up quick. you saw an opportunity you rarely get and your smile grows bigger “penis breath!” you yell. you can see her throw up her middle finger’s right before you turn back around and quickly stop at your destination

you and ellie try to catch your breath as you stop at the bulletin board, abby follows shortly after you two and searches the bulletin board. as you all found the paper you were searching for, you place your finger on the paper and it reads “captain of the woman’s basketball team = abigail anderson” you can hear ellie curse under her breath

her hands running through her short reddish hair as she cocks her head back in frustration, you place you hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her in some way “fuck, im sorry el’s i know how hard you’ve been working. but hey at least you’re vice captain ” you comment, the pity in your throat rising

abby chuckles mockingly and ellie’s eyes shoot at abby. abby puts her hands up “hey dont hate the player, hate the game” she laughs sarcastically

“you’re a actual dick” you snap.

“yeah, but we all know thats why you love me” she mumbles. you roll your eyes at her annoying sarcasm. “hey, at least you got cheer captain” ellie says with a broken smile and you cant help but to feel bad.

your school released the captins/ vice captains of all the teams the day before summer started, which was weird to all the students but the school still does it every year

“im surprised, i thought jessica would be the captain” abby confessed, you look at abby and for a moment and you want to kill her. you hated jessica and everyone knew that, she always tried to make everything a competition with you and of course abby had to date her, well you weren’t sure if they were dating but everyone knew they had something going on

“abigail, i swear to god if you mention that she-devils name to me one more time i’ll rip that braid out of your head” you almost pout, you can see ellie laugh from the corner of your eye as she walks away in annoyance. everyone knew better than to not be there when you and abby got into it or else they would be caught in the crossfire

“i’d really love to see you try, and honestly this whole ‘im so jealous of jessica’ act really needs to stop. it’s getting old” she laughs hysterically, and your eyes widen at her words. you? jealous of jessica?

you scoff, “oh please abigail, you’re one to talk. your obsession with proving your better than ellie at everything?” you mock her words in a angry tone

she steps closer to you and lowers herself so that she’s your height, she inches closer to your ear. “there’s nothing to prove because i am better than her. academically, socially, and even when it comes to basketball.” she whispers in your ear

you can feel a shiver down your spine as her hot breath touches your ear but you can’t let it phase you. you place your hand on her chest and for a moment you can swear you feel her twitch at your touch. you back your face away a little so you can see her face, to your surprise its red. both of your faces, only a few inches away

“you sure do love to run your mouth abby. you might be better at all those things but theirs one thing ellie’s better than you at,” you pause to observe her face and she looks tempting. her blue eyes so focused on your lips. she raises her eyebrow, waiting for u to finish

“running her mouth. she knows what to say…. what not to say. she really knows how to work that tongue” you finish. her jaw clenches tight at your words and you can help but to give her a innocent smile

she looks as if she’s about to explode and you love every second of it. you trail you hand around her as you walk around her

you see ellie at the end of the hallway and yell at her to wait up and she stops in her tracks and waits for you. as you catch up to her she wraps her arm around your neck and you look back to see abby still standing there with her fists balled

⁀➷

you lay in the grass, on top of your blanket outside the dorm apartments, you probably look weird but you didn’t care. you love the way the sun hit here. not too sunny but not too shady. your eyes are closed and your relaxed, probably the most relaxed you’ve been all year

you let out a deep breath. oddly enough you were gonna miss it here, summer break was only two months but you’ve been living here for a year, with all your friends, and no parents so it would be a little weird nonetheless going back home

suddenly you no longer feel the sun on your face, you open your eyes in confusion. you jump sarcastically once you see who it is

“jesus abigail, dont sneak up on me like that. you know im scared of dogs” you joke, but she doesn’t laugh; her arms are crossed and she looks kinda angry and you start to kinda feel bad

“very funny but i think you’ve got me confused with your mother” she jokes back, and suddenly you no longer feel bad. you roll your eyes as you sit yourself up on your elbows

she lays down on her side beside you on your blanket. you turn your neck and look at her like she’s crazy. you want to tell her to get up or you’ll drag her off but you’re too much in a good mood

she lays on her back with her arms behind her head and closes her eyes. you’re still sitting up on your elbows, looking at her in confusion. you think she can tell your looking at her because she quickly says “dina and jesse wanna know if you’re coming to the party tonight”

you groan at the mention of the party, they had been asking you for weeks if you were coming but you’ve just been ignoring the question. you loved the annual ‘start of the summer’ party, they were fun and all but every time you went there abby made fun of whatever you wear and ellie is always letting some random dance up on her and you didn’t have the energy or strength for another year of it

you wanted to tell ellie how you felt but you knew she didn’t feel the same way and you’ll never forget the day she actually said it. junior year, your whole friend group was at jesse’s house. dina and ellie were outside by the pool smoking weed and jesse thought it would be funny to scare them and then push them in the pool.

you three snuck out the house from the front and entered the backyard from the side. you guys hid behind the tool shed, waiting for the right time to jump out but their conversation got a little too interesting. dina had asked ellie what was going on between you and her because everyone knew you had feelings for ellie since freshman year except ellie. dina was only trying to help and get some information out of ellie but boy did it backfire.

ellie laughed at dina’s words, what was so funny about dating me? you thought. “god dina, she’s my best friend. nothing would ever happen between us” she laughed. you could see the look of horror on jesse and abby’s face and fuck was it so embarrassing, all you could do was leave. abby tried to follow you out and tell you to forget about her but you pushed her away. she didn’t understand. and since that day things fell to shit. abby started hating you, you distanced yourself from ellie and the whole friend group fell apart, causing all of you not to talk for the rest of junior year, but thankfully dina put everything back together right before senior year had started.

so you decided to put your feelings aside for ellie for the sake of the friend group. everything had went back to normal but oddly enough abby went on hating you and ellie and you always wondered why, until you didn’t. you eventually decided that abby was just an asshole

you let out a light sigh at abby’s question and at the memories. fuck abby’s comments and fuck whoever ellie decides to dance with tonight, you thought to yourself. this is the day before you leave and go back home. why not have some fun? shit you deserve it

“yeah. i’ll go” you say proudly. abby lays on her side and looks at you. her eyes blue and so devastating. “so….is your girlfriend coming” she asks, and it sounds as if she’s nervous. you raise your eyebrow in confusion as you lay down on your side, facing her. for a moment its silent as you two look at each other

“ellie” she simply says and you almost laugh at her words. “ellie is not my girlfriend” you scoff. abby looks as if she doesn’t believe your words. the look of devastation is no longer in abby’s eyes, her look was different this time and you couldn’t figure out what it was

“i cant tell the way she drags you around and you follow her” she mumbles. what? you cant believe she just said that. that moment where it was just silent and peaceful between you two was gone. and of course she had to be the one to ruin it. “oh fuck you abby” you breathe out. standing up and attempting to yank your blanket from up under her

she quickly stands up “i-im sorry, i didn’t mean it like that” she stutters and this is the first time you’ve ever heard her say sorry or stutter. “yeah, sure you didn’t” you mutter in disbelief as you fold the blanket around your arm and leave

⁀➷

you stand in your mirror, finishing the final touches of your makeup and hair. you usually never wear you hair down but fuck it? right? you turn around in the mirror to observe yourself, and damn you look good. the short black dress hugged your curves perfectly. you looked fucking good and fuck what anyone (abby) had to say

you smile at yourself right before you leave to walk to the other side of the field, where all the bigger dorms were. the building where all the parties are hosted used to be a fancy hotel building, meaning the rooms were literally huge and luckily dina had one of those rooms

you could already hear the loud music as soon as you walked in, the lobby was filled with decorations and drunk students. you took the elevator to the fifth floor and saw more drunk students being carried away by their sober friends

you walking in dina’s room and holy shit it was bigger than the last time u were here. you could see everyone was having a good time, most students were dancing and some of them were sitting down just talking. you walked over to the counter where the drinks were on display, you grabbed a red solo cup and poured the first hard alcohol you saw. you quickly swallowed it and shut your eyes tight at the burning sensation that flashed down your throat

you turn around, trying to scope the room to see if you saw any of your friends. soon enough you see dina and jesse on the L shaped crème couch. you walk over to them and they looked surprised to see you. “i can’t believe you actually came and oh my god you look amazing ” dina yelps. you smile at the compliment “thanks dina but why are you surprised that im here? didn’t abby tell you” you ask in confusion

dina and jesse look at eachother in confusion. “didn’t you guys ask abby to ask me if i was coming” you question. jesse gives dina a mischievous smile as he takes a sip out of whatever is in his cup, dina shakes her head in disappointment. “no…we didn’t, we know how much you guys hate eachother. if anything we would have asked ellie” she shouts, trying to make sure you hear her over the loud music

your confused. so why would abby lie about something so small. whatever, probably abby just being weird. “yeah thats weird… but speaking of ellie have you guys seen her?” you ask, slightly bending over to make sure they can hear you. they start looking around the room and dina’s eyes widen at something

“oh shit” jesse mumbles loud enough. you stand up and look where dina and jesse have their eyes set and you see ellie behind the counter with jessica. oh my fucking god. they were fucking flirting. ellie pushes her hair back behind her ear and her freckled cheeks are actually red. jessica has her hand on ellies shoulder flirtatiously as she laughs at whatever ellie is saying

you storm over towards them, placing your hands on top of the counter; you cough loudly. ellie’s eyes shoots to you and she looks flabbergasted. she stutters your name and you smile. you can see jessica from the corner of your eye giving you a silent death stare, and you would have returned it but you were too preoccupied with imagining all the ways on how you would beat ellie’s ass. “hey ellie could i talk to you for a sec” you ask with a polite smile

 “s-sure” she stutters, placing her red cup on the counter. you walk over towards the door that leads out to the balcony and ellie follows behind you. “ellie really?” you question in disbelief. she lets down a deep sigh “we were just talking” she replies in annoyance

“ellie. you guys were fucking flirting” you say, the anger in your throat rising and you can feel your blood boiling. you didn’t care that she was flirting with another girl but jessica? out of all of the beautiful, kind, talented woman at this college she had to pick a conniving, back stabbing cunt. so much for best friends ellie

“okay so what? its just flirting, its not like im planning on marrying her” she dismisses you and you cant believe the words that are coming out of her mouth

“ellie thats not the fucking prin-“ you stop yourself and take a deep breath. this isn’t worth it. you didn’t wanna argue. it was a party and the night before you go home. you wont let her ruin your night

“fuck this” you breathe out, walking out onto the balcony. you walk over to the balcony and lean over the railing. trying process what the hell just happened, since when did ellie start acting like that? maybe it was the alcohol and god you really hoped it was

“you okay?” you hear a familiar voice say. you turn around and see abby. for some odd reason you’re happy to see her. no matter how much you both hate eachother, you’ll never forget that she used to be one of your best friends. whether you were arguing or not, she always gave you some sense of comfort that nobody else had gave you. not even ellie

she’s wearing green cargos with a black sleeveless shirt. her hair is down and she’s wearing a cap backwards. she never wears her hair down but tonight she was. you didn’t want to admit it but she looked good. she was holding a cup in her hand; her muscles glistened in the dim light and they looked more hard than they usually did as if she’d been working out before she came here. who was she trying to look so good for?

you nod your head at the question she asked earlier. abby was known for being the life of the party but for some reason she was out on the balcony, alone. “are you?” you ask, returning the question.

she nods “yeah, me and jessica just got into a fight”. her voice low and disappointing. no wonder jessica was in there throwing herself at ellie. a part of you wants to comfort her but a part of you tells you don’t do it because you guys will just go back to hating eachother tomorrow

“im sorry to hear that but if it makes you feel better, so did me and ellie” you give her a comforting smile. she returns the smile “it does” she admits. you laugh at her honesty

her eyes rake over your body and you can feel every part that they touch. you felt nervous as she looked at you. her eyes so intent and focus. her eyes finally meet yours and for a moment you swear her eyes are speaking to you

maybe it was the shot of alcohol you took earlier but you can feel your body pulling to hers like electricity. before you know it your legs are moving towards her. you’re in front of her and she’s just admiring you. your eyes, your eyebrows, your nose, and your lips; especially your lips. the tension was thick and heavy and you loved it

why was she staring at you like that; and why did you like it so much.

you look down and notice the drink in her hand, the cup half full. you slowly slide your hand up her veiny hand, taking the cup from out her grasp. “you dont want this do you?” you ask, your voice laced with seduction and desire

what was happening. why did you want her so fucking bad.

she shakes her head, as she watches you drink the alcohol that was in her cup. fuck you had to get out of here before you did something you would regret. you quickly break the eye contact between you two and place the cup down on the patio table that abby stood in front of

you grab her hand, leading her back into the party. theirs more people than there was before. everyone is dancing, either on someone or with someone.

the weeknd is playing. ‘the party & the after party’.

you still have abby’s hand in yours. you walk the both of you over to where everyone is dancing. she automatically knows what to do. her hands grip on your waist tight. her hands rough and warm. you tremble a little at her touch. you’re pushed up against her. you sway your hips in accordance with the song. you can feel yourself starting to get hot. a little from the alcohol but mostly from the way she made you grind against her. she lets out a shaky breath at the feeling

you flip your hair to the right side of your head, attempting to cool yourself down but it doesn’t work. you’re still so fucking hot. abby refuses to let this opportunity pass, planting her face in your exposed neck. you can feel her biting at your skin. you whimper at the sensation, you could feel your underwear getting more and more soaked with every touch

you place one of your hands on hers, turning your head to the side to face her, sliding your free hand underneath her long hair and letting it rest on her neck. you had pulled her to look at you and she did. your faces so close, she was breathing hard and so were you. she inches closer towards you, your lips ached for hers but you couldn’t.

you push her away, breaking your bodies apart; leaving you both empty with nothing but lust and desire in your mind. “w-we shouldn’t” you breathe out. the look in her eyes, filled with disappointment. she simply nods, walking away

your eyes follow her as she attempts to leave but dina stops her, whispering something in her ear and abby nods. leaving anyway.

you need to get somewhere quiet to think. you push through the crowd trying to find dina’s room, you walk down the hallway filled with students in line for the bathroom. once you reach the end of the hall you find dina’s room, you open the door and you’re stunned by what you see

jessica’s shirt off with ellie on top of her, literally eating her face. their eyes shoot at the door, ellie looks like she’s seen a ghost and you can hear her say your name. you open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out. your disgusted, hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken. all you can do it walk away

you think ellie is following behind you but you dont care, you cant stop walking; soon enough your out of dina’s dorm. you can feel hot tears coming down your face as you stalk towards the elevator. you feel her grab you. “please wait, let me explain myself” she begs. you face her at once and snatch your hand away

“what ellie? what the fuck could you possibly say” you almost scream. the tears just keep rolling down and you just want them to stop, you quickly wipe them away. she looks down for a moment before she looks back up at you

“please stop crying. i-i just saw you dancing with abby an-“ you cut her off quickly

“you saw me dancing with abby so think thats enough for you to go ahead and fuck jessica? you’re supposed to be my best friend” you whimper. your infuriated. you can feel your heart breaking into tiny pieces

“i am, fuck. im sorry, im so fucking sorry” her eyes become watery. but the crocodile tears wont work this time, you’re not sure anything will

“so then why? why her, why jessica” you question, wiping your hand over your face, trying your hardest to suppress the tears

she sighs low in disappointment, “she was just there” she simply says

you step back. in disbelief. you scoff “she was just there? ellie i have been here for six fucking years, through every heartbreak you had. when riley had to move, you stayed at my house; crying in my arms, all fucking day and i was there! i had to pretend like my heart wasn’t aching for you so fucking badly all those years,” you pause to take a breath

“junior year, when you laughed at the thought of having something with me and you swore to dina that nothing could ever happen between me and you, i had to pretend like my heart wasn’t shattered and go back to being your loyal best friend like it was nothing” you finished. it felt like a huge load had been lifted off your shoulders at the confession

ellie’s eyes widened in realization. her hand wraps around her mouth as she steps back. realizing what you had just told her. she whispers your name lowly as she inches towards you, she attempts to grab your hands but you yank them away. “ellie just stop. im done.” you say firmly

her head drops, in shame. she had fucked up terribly, and she knew it. you release a deep breath you’d been holding inside for too long. as you walked away quietly.

⁀➷

the walk back to your dorm was quiet, you cried the whole way back. as soon as you entered your room you wiped the make up off and threw the tight dress off into the corner and threw on a oversized shirt

why did you think going to that party was a good idea? all you gain from them is trauma. you didn’t know who to think of. abby or ellie? you needed to get this whole fucking party off your mind. the only thing keeping you sane was the thought of melting into your bed in the nice cool ac.

as you walk towards your desk to grab your computer you hear a low knock on the door. you groan at the sound. you walk towards your door in annoyance. you open it to see abby, holding a box of beer.

you more than surprised to see her. she pushes past you, walking into your room and placing the box of beer down near your desk. you quietly shut the door behind her.

“a-abby, what are you doing here” you stutter in confusion. and why in the hell did she have a box of beer?

she walks towards you, and her hands cup your face. her eyes shined in the low candle light. she looks so hurt, that wall she had built up for so long was gone. you could tell she had something say. something was eating her alive

“she doesn’t deserve you” she finally speaks. you shudder at her words. you can’t. you just cant deal with this right now. you put your hands on her hard chest and try to shake your head away from her but she just yanks you closer, forcing you to look at her

“i’ve tried to resist the fact that i want you. i’ve tried for so fucking long and i succeeded until today. when you talked about ellie earlier today it did something to me,” she pauses for a second as she inches closer to your face

“the way you danced on my tonight, made me wanna rip that tight little dress off and fuck you in front of everyone” she confesses. you shiver at her words, breathing hard at her confession. your lips so close like how they were earlier

she whimpers your name against your lips and it sounds heavenly. your about to cave in. “eyes dont lie. i know you want me to fuck you. just say the words and i will. better than ellie ever could” she whispers again. her voice dark and seductive

you can say anything you just nod. but that doesn’t work. she doesn’t go for that. “say it” she demands. and you can’t do anything but comply

“fuck me. p-please abby” you beg. she smirks at your words, smashing her lips into yours. the kiss hungry and rough, she groaned softly as she tasted your sweet soft lips on hers. she slams you against your door as your bodies moved in sync with eachother, she pushes your hands up over your head as she lowers her kisses down your neck, kissing the spots she had marked earlier. the hot breathy kisses on your neck making you moan lightly

she lifts the shirt over your head, throwing it somewhere. she admires your body in the black bra and lacy underwear you wore, “fuck” she groans, kissing you so needy. she picks you up again the door and you wrap your legs around her, refusing to break the hot kiss. she grabs your legs tight, making sure you won’t fall as she walks over towards your bed

laying you down on your back as she hooks her hands around your back, unhooking your bra. allowing your boobs to spill out, just for her eyes. she kissed along your jaw as her rough long fingers started to play with your hardened nipples. her kisses lowering, and turning into hickey’s the lower she got. finally her warm mouth takes one of your boobs in her mouth as she grabs the other one with hand

her eyes stay on you the whole time, watching you squirm and twitch under her touch, she loved it. seeing you laid out on display just for her. quiet moans escaping your mouth as she pulled, biting softly on your nipple as she released it from her mouth

your pussy was pooling with precum. you’ve never wanted to be touched so bad in your life. she gets on her knees. making you put your hands over her shoulders. she runs her thick long fingers over your pussy. “p-please abby” you pant out

you feeling her long hot tongue, slowly run over your clothed aching pussy. a whimper leaves your mouth and you back up a little at the warm sensation. she yanks you closer towards her tongue, doing it again; but this time slower. you shut your eye’s tight. she notices and plants a spank on your pussy. your eyes shoot open

“i want you to watch me tease you, i want you to know how i felt all these years” she confesses, spitting on your pussy, the laced material is cheap, so you can feel the spit trailing down your already wet folds

you look down and see her already looking up at you, her smirk large and her eyes unforgiving. you don’t know how much longer u can handle her teasing. she moves the cheap material to the side as she slowly rubbed her thick fingers against your swollen folds

“you want me to touch you here” she teases. you nod your head quickly, a little too quickly. causing a evil chuckle to leave her lips “really? how bad” she teases more, her voice now dark with desire. the flood of arousal starting to drip more at her teasing

“s-so fucking bad abby” you whimper. she takes your underwear and pulls them down, you lift up, giving her more access to pull them down easily. the feeling of the cool air hitting your aching pussy making you moan slightly

her hot breath glistening over your wet lips. you can feel her breathing again you as she stamps her hands on your thighs. her eyes hungry and impatient. “god im gonna fuck you with my tongue til’ you cry” she mumbles

you’re breathing hard as she pulls you closer to her mouth. the full length of her long tongue slowly and gently slides against your slits. you whimper softly at the sensation, chest thumping in pleasure

her hands digging into your thighs. your arms above your head as you move against her tongue. the feeling of her breathing and her hot tongue against you, making you close. her teeth graze against you clit. her hands release from your legs and find its place on your waist, pinning you down to stop all your movement

“you taste so fucking good. like i knew you would” she breathes out. face deep in your cunt. you can feel your toes curl as her nose grazes against your sensitive spot. your moans filling the room

“who’s tongue better now?” she pants, mocking your words from earlier. you dont hesitate to answer “yours, god yours abby” you whimper, her dirty words sending you over the edge as the sensation in your stomach builds. you can feel your legs shaking as you reach your high

you grab her by the shirt, pulling her towards you to taste yourself on her tongue. you pull her sleeve shirt over her head and throw it where your shirt layed. you moan at the sight of her muscled body “you’re so fucking hot abby” you pant, grabbing her again and kissing her harder

“shut up” she mumbles in between your lips. she breaks the kiss, throwing her shoes off and her pants with them, revealing the womans boy shorts she wore. her muscled thighs turned you on so bad. you quickly get on top of her, kissing down her neck and leaving a bite mark with every kiss. her groans sounding like music to your ears

you snatched off her sports bra, you slowly tease her with your tongue around her boob “fuck, don’t tease me” she growls. you smile against her skin as you start softly sucking on her boob. her hands behind her head and she keeps her eyes focused on you.

you trail your tongue down from her breast to her waist, where her underwear stopped. you pulled them off. you lift yourself up to her lips “i bet i can fuck you better than jessica can” you whisper on her lips. she smirks “prove it” she whispers back.

you take the challenge. you position yourself in between her legs, one of her legs lay on top of yours and your other leg lays on top of hers. you can see her bite her lip at the feeling of both of your both of your wet cunts touching. you place your hands on her hard chest as you start to grind against her. both of your warm clits, messages eachothers

you can feel her hands slap roughly into your ass as she grinds you harder against her. the whine that falls from her lips shocked you, sending a shiver through your body.

moans spilled from your lips. you shoot your head back at the feeling of both of you against eachother. she was pushing you down on her hard, forcing you to go fast and it felt fucking euphoric. everything disappeared except for you and her and suddenly nothing else mattered. just this feeling. only abby mattered. “fuck” she spit , her nails digging into you waist.

she moans your name and you can feel tears of pleasure leaving your eyes, your second orgasm was close. “just like that, fuck me like you hate me” she cursed, and you went faster, grinding harder. her clit was pulsating against yours as you both reached your high together almost screaming

you collapse on top of her as both of you try and catch your breath. her large arms wrap around your sweaty body. you both lay there for a second, before abby gets up, placing you to the side and putting your blanket over you.

“where are you going” you ask, disappointed. as she puts back on her bra and underwear. she looks back at you and smiles “just grabbing my phone, to tell dina come get these beers” you nod, smiling back

holy shit. you just fucked abby. and it was really fucking good. oh god what did this make you guys. relax you thought. just relax. you took a deep breath before you moved the blanket off of you and hopped out your bed. you grabbed abby’s sleeveless shirt and put it on. it was a little big but you liked how it looked

you walked over towards your desk and admired yourself in the shirt. you didn’t notice it but abby was watching you. “don’t be weird” you laugh, she smirks

“what? you look good” she snickers, eyeing you down. you roll your eyes. you hear a knock on the door and look at abby

“damn she was quick” you comment, picking up the case of beers, considering the fact that abby didn’t have anything on. you opened the door with struggle, keeping your eyes on your feet as you pushed your foot in front of it to hold it back

you look up and see ellie. she looks behind you and sees abby on your bed, half naked. she nods her head in disbelief. youre too stunned to speak. “fucking hypocrite” she scoffs, leaving you in utter shock.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

a/n: please remember this wasn’t proof read, literally made off the top of my head, hope you guys liked it as much as my  delusions did

#ellie the last of us #ellie x y/n #abby tlou #abby x you #abby the last of us #abby x fem!reader #abby anderson #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #tlou fic #tlou x reader #ellie tlou #tlou #lesbian

[booksbluegurl]

A rant I sent to my friends a week ago to share my frustration :

How life can so easily turn into a barren road, where you don't see people, you only hear them. And these voices are all in your head. They could be real, they could be fake, they could be straightforward, they could be exaggerated. Its funny how your dreams of graduer, of success, of satisfaction, of happiness turn into a tiny stream of water that's ready to get out of your eyes at any moment someone asks you "kya hua?"

Who would I be without the completion of what I thought was always mine? It runs in my veins, it runs in my blood, it does a damn marathon in my mind. I know one thing for sure, I'm not like other kids, I'm worse. But I'm subtly worse, which is definitely the worst. Because when you're bad, loudly, you get attention, your pain has sympathy, your fears are relatable, your cries have people either wanting to soothe you or wanting to shut you up.

But good for others, I'm already shut up. I don't speak enough, coz all thats happened is not enough to speak about it. Once in a while, during a grand tragedy, I finally get a chance to weave my thoughts into tangible words. It sucks. But nothing is better I'm told. But my goodness, the grass does look greener on the other side. Perhaps because it's nourished with the tears of a loud cry. But I dont wanna break down. Do I think I'm strong because I try not to break down? Do you think I'm strong? I'm not, I'm fragile. I'm barely holding myself. My roots are strong though, I'm just a tiny blade of grass and what a lovely job my roots are doing while holding me upright. Though I do end up swaying. I hate that. I wanna be focused, I wanna be clear. And some would argue that I am. But not enough, some would argue that. There's never an argument that satisfies everybody. But really what do I wanna be?

There's so much self pity lounging in my mind that I think I'll need a month to sort through it. To clean it and discard it. But I dont have a month. Am I having pre exam anxiety? Like hundreds of people out there. I sometimes hate it when people mention that I'm not the only one. I know. That's the problem. That's the only problem. That my struggles aren't enough. I need to feel more pain. संघर्ष

To feel like I can stand up against them all in this fight. And its so easy and that's why its so brutal. And I've never worked hard enough to get whatever I want. But have I really not? Or have I just gaslighted myself? Am I really as terrible even after trying? Is it really just my mistake? Is there really a problem with my mind? Is it really me? Only me? Am I the only thing that's wrong with me?

Why am I not like others? I haven't given years to something and succeeded. But I have given years and failed. And I'm really on the verge of falling down, right when the marathon is about to end. Why am I not disciplined enough? Why am I not genius enough? I started working hard since day one but I haven't worked hard enough. Never enough, never enough, never enough. Wish this phrase was like the word impossible. The more you chant it, the more it says just the opposite.

I still have a lot bottled up but this is not the right time to share anymore. If you've reached here, don't reply to me, just share your favorite quote.

- Tanishka.

#Study #Studyblr #Study Aesthetic #desi studyblr #study blog #study rant #personal rant #Rant

[sleepy-vix]

Hey (with the intention of taking walks in a forest in the rain with you?)

How's your day been? (or how's it going?)

I don't really know what I was going to say, but hello from the abyss :) and is there anything you feel like ranting about right now? (sorry if it's a weird question, and you only have to answer if you feel comfortable to, but if you do, then it could be about anything - whether it's a life problem or a special interest)

And if you had to be any plant or part of nature, what would you be and why?

Anywho, sorry for bothering you and I hope something nice has happened or will happen to you today 🪴

YOU'RE NOT BOTHERING ME AT ALL!! i'm really happy to see you in my inbox

my day's just started (i just woke up) but my whole week has been really bad- i had all my exams crammed into this week and due to family reasons i couldnt study at all last week. usually i'm not so stressed out but i'm senior year now and everything is becoming real and i don't think i can handle it all.

i took a few quizzes last week for maths and my result was so bad (i got a B... which is bad to me)- its a reasonable score considering i didnt study (ive studied now and ik im ALOT better) but it still hit me hard because i'm so used to being "one of the smart kids" it terrifies me to be anything but (i feel like i'm nothing if im not smart)

i have my maths test today (i had 2 this week bc i do normal maths and specialist maths- that specialist maths threw me and im still a little sore over it so i feel like i'll do bad in my normal maths test- even though ik thats stupid bc i KNOW my normal maths content and im normally GOOD at maths... idk)

ig i've been panicking for my future alot lately. i dont want to disappoint anyone anymore and i want to be smart again but its getting so confusing 😭

anyways thats basically most of what im feeling, sorry for ranting (but you did tell me to rant abt smtg hehe :))

i'll be okay tho, honest (so pls dont pity me, youve already done sm to help me by letting me talk abt this TvT)

also if i were a plant, i'd like to be a moonflower. blooming at night time sounds very nice to me and to be named after THE MOON is like the highest honour ever in my head :)

how about you? what plant would you be? what'd been happening in your life? 🌃

ty for the ask 😵‍💫

#asks #moots ✮

[urmomluvbot]

i just read a little life and here's a messy review of the book by saying my opinion on people's takes on it

[THERE WILL BE SPOILERS] also dont expect this to be professional etc

i want to start off by saying that this book is like willem's movie "life after death"; either people absolutely loved it or people hated it. and i fucking love this. would i be rereading it? probably not. but would i think of jude for the rest of my days? yes.

the thing i keep reading about from the people who didnt like it is that a) it's a trauma porn, b.) it's lengthy with various of unnecessary parts, and c.) its just a sad book with a sad ending.

something that i dont really understand is people's need and urge and want to always, always read a book expecting a happy ending. ("and books lied, they made things prettier"). spoiler alert: life isnt like that! its ugly and u cant always run away from its ugliness, no matter how hard you try. no matter how hard jude tried. and i always had this hunch, when i was first reading it, that it wont end the way i'll like it, but still i hope and hope and hoped for jude and for all of them, and thats just the Human part of me. my in denial.

as someone who struggled from mental health, i actually guiltily thought in the middle of the book, "why hasnt he k!lled himself yet?" even before jude's attempt. i cant handle the thought of putting myself in his situation and pushing through, and that's the reality as well. you thought about it and yet , complying to it somehow makes you think that the hyenas won. that brother luke won, that dr traylor won. and the thing about jude is he always try. he tried to get through life, he tried to accept romance in his life, he tried and he tries to accept everyone's devotion and help because even though he feels like he doesn't deserve it; he feels like he owes them that at least. to try.

i can see how people, especially the first ones when it just came out, may be put off by the tones and the topics of this book, but as years went by and it grows in popularity, the trigger warnings had been set. one thing ive set my mind to when i bought the book is the advice i was given: to only read it when im in a stable stage of my life, and that's why it took me almost a year before i started reading it after buying it. the triggers are listed for anyone to see. YES. those things do happen in real life. those things, esp the rape and physical mental and verbal abuse DO come in hand majority of the time. the book is not trauma dumping or a trauma porn: it simply tells. (imo, its on YOU if u think this is a trauma porn. imo, it says a lot about you as a person).

the book is lengthy because it is intended to be, the "unnecessary parts" are not just fillers but a stepping stone to unraveling jude's past, to fully grasp the situation. they are there for a reason. you can skim through the book if you want to avoid them: but believe me when i say you wont fully get the book if you do. the book is not meant to be enjoyed. its meant to tell a story, to make you feel things for the characters, may it be pity or joy or anger.

jude is not meant to be understood or to help or to be pitied at, hes meant to exist. and those things are something that was given to him willingly by the people he loved. and the characters are all flawed. andy is a bad doctor, willem is lovable and maybe had too much love, malcolm is perfect (i love him so much), jb is infuriating most of the times, harold shouldve pushed more. they all shouldve pushed more, but they cant. because the way they love is also flawed and it gets in the way, because judy is also flawed. hes stubborn and confusing. but those are traits that makes them all human.

ive reblogged this before but ill say it again: ik its a meme, but not everything can be solved through therapy. again, it took jude YEARS to finally tell willem his past– willem. willem who jude probably trust with his life, who he lets help him and seeked out for him when he was bleeding to death from cutting too much. you think jude would talk to a shrink he barely knows? someones whos literally paid to talk to him? not even jb and malcolm knew.

smth i wanna address that i rlly dont get is people who claims it's homophobic, and i really and genuinely cant see it, as a lesbian person myself. every talk about sexuality (if there even is any thats worth noting for this part), had come naturally. everyone existed how people exist with each other. even when willem and jude got together, theres barely any talk about willem's sexuality. also, hot take (/s): sexuality is confusing!! not everyone wants to label themselves. ive known multiple ppl who majorly likes girls only, but have fallen for their recent boyfriend. it happens, surprise! not everyone wants to put themselves in a box.

in conclusion: i think people expects this book to turn out for the better as a psychological response. surprise, it doesn't. my opinion? it's not meant to be enjoyed. i dont recommend this to anyone but only because it IS devastating and im a sadist if i want people to experience those feelings the book will brought. however, the characters, the delivery of the story and the pacing, and hanya's god bowing writing style are what makes this book GREAT. great ≠ happy ending, just like how sad ending ≠ bad book. thanks!

#a little life #jude st francis #willem ragnarsson #jb marion #malcolm irvine #harold stein #book review #rant

[nanjokei]

to be honest.. i am not comfortable being associated with "hot takes" and "hard hitting opinions"... ^_^;; i havent been in years. they are just my opinions! i am not trying to be a contrarian or be against people or even make enemies. it is not ME vs THEM (or at least i hope it is not) (it feels like that sometimes due to self isolation)

its lead to a lot of people thinking that im some kind of jackass who can't have fun, im not comfortable with it at all, and i felt a distance form between me and people who thought i had high standards for everything or was even judging them behind their backs when i do not at all. it really is difficult...

i think its like, the frankness that comes from i guess, autism? (still grappling with this)

like for me, i just say what i think. and for a long time i wondered why it was so difficult for people to do the same. but i realized i have a detrimental lack of filter. honestly it is exhausting for me. because for me its a very normal thing!!! but to others i am asserting myself too much and it is a bit egotistical, like im obsessed with myself and what i think. you might think im self flagellating, but if you think about it logically, this is kind of what you think most of the time when someone is being a little overbearing. it is natural. i am not asking for pity here. i am stating it objectively. im not really looking for people telling me that i should not care. because i should and i do.

to me i am not making a statement when i say things. but growing up i realized to others i was constantly drawing some kind of line in the sand about everything. ahhh i want to cry... its like so hard...

thats why im so sensitive about how i come off to others... i feel like my words betray my intentions!!! im a normal person who likes to have fun and make jokes. im not some kind of elitist contrarian!!! i tried to be that because i thought thats what is likable and people praised me for it. its not fun and its not me!!! and in the end, people dont like it either!!!

can you tell this is hard and i am struggling.

#rambles

[gayspock]

ok 1 menty b for me

i dont know. i think its just always been so alienating. i think theres something wrong with me and its unfixable. and sometimes, if i cant have anything else, i just want at least the fucking chance to express that without people thinking even less of me. and ik in reality nobody even gaf or sees me. but i also know know that if they did, 9times out fo 10 people would be rolling their eyes. whatever. idk. i feel so lonely and i dont think im ever not going to be lonely and its never going to get better because even when given the resources, the opportunities i just can never manage . i just cant . i swear i try . but every single time. my whole fucking life . i just walk away from everything with even less, it feels like. and its getting so much harderand harder. and i dont know how to express it liek ... i fucking feel myself SEETHE as ppl keep insisting "theres still a chance! there's still hope!" like sure bro. but i dont want to fucking keep living my life along the fucking asymptote of getting consistently closer to dying alone but "haha technically its not a certainty" and . like theres just something so fucking repulsive about me and i just cant seem to fix it no matter what. and im so exhausted all the time. and i genuinely dont think theres any way out of that . i go to work and i come home so burnt out and tired. and people are nice there but i dont think i can really connect with anyone . i just cant seem to get close to people . and i dont have it within me to meet anyone else because im so fucking tired all of the time .

and even if i did and i mustered all the energy and spent all the little time i had left in the world i dont think theyd have time for me. not just bc nobody in their 20s does but also because i dont know . it just never seems to work . and i cant do it again where i try to invest every little piece of me into it when its jsut always left me fucking miserable and pathetic. bro do you know what i mean. not to be 16 and lame as shit still. i feel like im always the idiot ppl take pity on at best . i dont think ive ever been real to anybody. like alwaysssssss...... and even now i feel like every time I HAVE existed within circles of others. its literally 10 times out of 10 just constantly fighting to be included and seen as someone whos not a fucking joke and i just feel like such a fucking . loser for caring so much about it when. REALISTICALLY. pretty much all the people ive met in life will have forgotten i exist. and ok. ok. i just dont think ... like its not like some trait within me right like ... im not As melodramatic to be like oh . oh theres an actual innate trait within me thats activated and stops people liking me. just. the contrary like. i just think theres nothing within me to actually like . or to gravitate towards. so likeyeah sure . that makes sense. why WOULD you want to bother with someone whos just kinda hollow or whatever.. something something or other. and i kind of wish i was more resilient about tht. but i jsut . i guess as is a Guy of that Nature, its just ... im trying to fucking not fucking spiral but i just feel myself fucking filling up with fucking . miserable SHITTY bile or whatever because i just wish i felt normal or whatever. its such a fucking human fucking thing that other people can MANAGE. but i cant . its so so fucking hard and i cant do it and i cant handle it. and i just feel so angry sometimes anyways . bc i hate it . and i keep trying bc i wanna make peace with it because i know theres no out . like ive long since given up on ever thinking its going to work out . because nothing fucking helps but makes it so much worse . anyways. i dont know. but i dont know bro. it drives me fucking insane when people always spout some bs about how "haha everyone has someone! everyone will find someone! like no they dont no they wont . its so .. so much more isolating. or like "EVERYONEEE feels lonely sometimes" like HOW does that help. HOW. and it makes it so MUCH FUCKING WORSEEEE when people tell you about how lonely they are too!!! like cool . i dont have a chance then. sorry i know thats such a bitter bitch thing to say. but idk if it rlly matters like ... at the end of the day idc when ppl have partners. or people they talk to. family who loves them. and youre still lonely. cool. thank you for letting me know, dude. go back to the people who will look out for you and love you whilst i sit in the dark and not speak to anyone for weeks whilst not a single person would even notice im gone .

or like. bro. i dont think a single person has taken me seriously for long enough to ever fucking like me or hold me in enough regard to like... want to talk to me again nevermind like be with me in a certain sense so i jsut. i dont know. sits alone. every fucking day for years maybe. i dont know. i feel so fucking sad and angry knowing deep down that i can know all this and know its true but even then . i cant even have that . people wont even take THAT part of me seriouslyand think im just some fucking idiot whos not even trying. when i really reallyhave but its just so... worthless it feels like . it feels like im never getting anywhere and everyone thinks i just gave up when i didnt. and i dont know. thar makes it sound like people actually see me and really are laughing or something when i dont think its nearly that much. i think its like oh people see me make that as a snap judgement and i fall out of existence again. and i dont know. it shouldnt matter but i feel so fucking strung out and exist between these instances only and idk. idk bro. im trying to be okay with it. but as im getting older i just feel like theres so many more things that are revealing themselves as worse and worse. and im going crazy. im going crazzzzzzyyyy . whatever . insert the mental breakdown gifs . the funny ones where those guys aremoving really fast

#egg.txt

[yuukei-yikes]

What about hs takane confessed to haruka but haruka rejected her because of his Illness.

IVE READ OF THIS HC BEFORE...many years in the fandom, i know my harutakas.....

i think it can go one or two ways, he explains why or he doesn't explain why. i would love to make a comic with this ive actually been meaning to but ive been rly busy with homework and class😵‍💫

on one hand IF HE DOESNT EXPLAIN: he could avoid saying he Doesnt like her back bc its not true!! he DOES like her back!!!.maybe he just says id rather stay friends or something. i dont think takane would need any pity or consolation honestly... i think she would accept it as fast as she accepts she needs to immediately tell haruka. it probably takes her longer processing haruka DOES like her back. i think takane would just breathe in and yell THATS OK!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BE BY YOUR SIDE!!!!!!!!!! like super determined. so. yeah haruka would burst into tears dude there is no way he would resist crying. takane would freak out

can u imagine how bummed he'd be to reject her. taking into account how depressed haruka was during this period, can u imagine if u added this on top of everything?? especially his dying words (sorry im so annoying abt it it's just TAKANE PLEASE DONT CRY ANYMORE) and after that Not dying and seeing her here out of breath after running all the way here, telling him she loves him without hesitation...what im saying is that haruka would cry so hard. i think given the vulnerability of it all he'd maybe crack and just tell her his situation, yknow?? maybe he wouldnt, and he'd just cry and takane would be like ????ERMMM??? and looking around but then gets it together and hugs him and comforts him without even knowing what's wrong.

if he did explain the situation after that i think it'd be about takane maybe being in denial for a bit or trying to be hopeful/positive because haruka is horribly pessimistic while takane is like MAYBE shit will get better. either way takane still says im gonna stay HERE WITH YOU!!!! takane's thing isnt just saying she loves him, it's about how she wants to be with him, however that may be. at takane's resilience of being by his side even knowing the pain that will bring her once he goes... haruka is like AUUUGGHHHH!!!!! in this case they'd kiss a little at one point Come on. teehee.

#ask tag #headcanons #harutaka

[babylon5]

oftentimes i feel like my writing is too abstract/disorganized for most people to understand now and thats why most people dont like the work ive done since developing schizoaffective disorder. its so hard tho bc my brain is just... you know.... disorganized bc of the psychosis so i just think very abstractly and i dont think people can follow my train of thought most of the time :( no one has wanted to publish any of my work written since then and i notice that my writing is perceived less on internet spaces i typically share my work on. that's not me asking people to give me pity likes or anything bc idc if people like my work i am Going to Continue writing regardless of anything ever but its just very weird at the same time to feel like your mental illness is sort of usurping what feels like ur only talent

[superworldunkown]

Earn your Stripes

Yo, its been a (checks watch) minute, since I’ve posted so welcome to my, here’s a post and I disappear until the last leaf of summer drops from the trees. Hope everyone is safe and well.

Summary: We earn our scars in different ways, no matter the method, Bakugou finds yours both beautiful and worthy of recognition. Per usual Bakugou X BlackFem! Reader (because melanin) 

‘Fuuuucckk....’ You were really trying hard not to swear. You knew it was going to be a hard habit to kick, but when the burning pain shoots through your body when you’re simply trying to put your pajamas...c’mon! This shit sucks. In fact, screw it, you’re sleeping in your undergarments and a robe again. 

Letting your shorts drop to the floor and reaching for your robe you stood in the bathroom mirror, examining your broken, but present form. Your eyes were sunken in, your once glowing dark skin was both dried and lackluster, and at the base of your abdomen, there it was. 

The Scar. 

Stretching horizontally across your frame, still swollen and inflamed. The flesh around it where your body once was controlled and firm, now sagging in defeat.  You gingerly ran your fingers across the divot of skin, hissing where you you could feel that burning pain, and pondering the sensation on places where you could not. 

You wondered what it would look like once it healed; could feel down there again? Could you hide it? How long until you can put pants on without wanting to rip the clothing in half?!

“Hey...” 

You knew that gravely voice followed by a gentle knock. Quickly you wrapped your robe across your stomach only to yelp in pain as the fabric brushed too harshly against your skin. buttery soft feel your ass, this robe was a lie!

Suddenly the door swung open and Katsuki appeared right in front of you, one hand on your cheek and the other on your shoulder. His eyes, despite their own fatigue were lazar focused on you, scanning every inch of you in a matter of seconds - “What happened?” 

“Nothing.” You shushed him while turning your head to face the mirror, dragging your cheek along his fingertips as you turned, “...Wardrobe malfunction.” 

“So you’re...alright?” He asked, voice much calmer. 

You smirked, now staring at the elephant, or should you say, giant scar in the room, “Thats a loaded question...I look disgusting.”

“The fuck you dont!” Your partners voice shook you out of your self invited pity party. “Why the hell would you say that?”

Was he...serious? You turned to face him, pushing your robe back and letting the scar grace every watt of light in the bathroom, “This, look at this.” 

Katsuki’s red eyes stared at you as if he was drinking every bit of you in as if he was seriously looking for the ‘this’ as if it wasn’t silently screaming at him from your abdomen. Finally he put two and two together. For someone so observant he always did have a bit of trouble reading social cues. But, you loved him for it none the less. 

“You’re really worried about that?” His question had a bit of astonishment to it, “After what just happened?” 

Now you’re questioning everything. Your body turned inward a bit, “Well...yeah? It’s not like the badge of honor scars you get from hero work.” You gestured to the star like mark that graced his bare chest, he saved his best friend that day. “This is different.” 

Katsuki let out a frustrated exhale. His hands drew themselves back up to your body to latch on to your elbows, this time with a bit of firmness as to keep you from both physically and mentally wandering away from what he uttered next, “I know that stupid book you gave me to read said I can’t swear er whatever but you’re sounding fucking crazy right now.” He cut you off before you could even think of disagreeing with him, “You got that badass scar because you did something that I could never do. That scar doesn’t make you a hero, but it makes you a mom. So get your head out of your ass and be proud of yourself....and stop bending over and walkin’ up and down the damn stairs all the time. You need something you ask me, got it?” 

To save yourself from bursting in to tears you leaned into his strong frame, finding comfort against his chest, “Thank you. You’re...I don't know what I’d be without you.” 

“Heh.” He chuckled while equally basking in the glow of your touch and the smell of the curls that his chin rested upon, “Not nearly as interesting, that’s for sure.” For the sake of his kind words earlier, you let his egotistical rebuttal go for the time being. 

  You didn’t know how long the two of your stood in each other's embrace, but it was only a matter of time before the distant wails of your little one brought you both slowly back to the reality of parenthood.

“Go lie down, would ya.” your husband ordered softly, “I got the little gremlin.” 

“Kiara.” You smirked, “Our daughter’s name is Kiara.” 

AN: Sending much love to my C-Section Parents out there. You the real MVPs <3

#bakugou katsuki #bakudad #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugou x black reader #bnha #mha

[banana-milk-enthusiast]

beat Forspoken, and while I probably will write an in-depth review down the line cuz i have many thoughts, I'm just going to pointform my basic thoughts while it's still fresh.

PROS

Great designs all around, the Tantas look so breathtaking with their extravagant designs and yet it doesn't take away from their world, it fits just right in. Absolutely love it.

Good world building most questions i had were answered either through the main story or extra archive stuff. Nothing felt too weird yknow

Gameplay gameplay gameplay. The magic system is literally amazing. I dont think I've had this much fun fighting in an rpg in a long time. Theres so much fun variety so you can focus on whats comfortable for you while also looking sick as fuck. Have i mentioned how good the battle system is cuz i avoid playing mage in every game because its such a slog but here its so fast paced and hits hard. Perfect for me.

The music is soooo good, I love the main theme and find myself humming it literally all the time.

Great graphics but maybe a lil too many particle effects but otherwise really pretty.

The story is technically a pro. Like its good, not bad, not great, just good. Basically something you'd find in the YA Fantasy section, thats the kinda quality it was. Which isn't a insult I did enjoy the story and characters. It just needed polish, fix up the dialogue and trim some of the story fat and i wouldn't have any complaints tbh. Probably would do better as a book series tho ngl, not sure what game format would have saved it.

Shoutout to the accessibility options. I'm glad more games are including these. I'll never understand complaints about them though, like just dont use them if you dont want/need to thats it.

ALMOST FORGOT THE COOLEST THING. THE NAILS. I'm sorry but the idea of using nail art to inscribe magic runes to give you buffs is the coolest fucking idea ever, why has this concept not been used till now. We always see rune tatoos or written on gear and stuff im fantasy media but this is such a neat ideaaaa and im forever thankful for it. Her capes are cool too I guess, with there was more variety rather than recolors tho. Kinda wish we could also get different outfits for her tho. Those jeans probably chafe.

CONS

THE OPEN WORLD IS SO BIG FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. I honestly wish this wasn't an open world game tbh, its so unnecessary. Halfway through the game, i got so frustrated and ignored everything that wasn't story points cuz getting everywhere takes so damn long, especially early on when you dont have fancy parkour or stamina. Easily its biggest fault for me.

I understand they thought it'd do way better than what happened but planning out a story as a trilogy in the gaming industry is not a smart move. I've yet to play the dlc so idk if we get closure but the loose ends werent a great way for the game to end.

Oh, the dialogue. Its easily one of the gamest weakest points. Like the type of dialogue i was writing in my original stories when i was 13 (not that ive gotten any better tbh). Basically, it's not what you expect from such a vaunted company. Frey is great when shes excited or angry, which is most of the time, but occasionally, they'll hit me with the cheesiest line I've heard in years, and idk how to handle it. Like the stuff she says in the final chapter is honestly so robotic, there is no natural flow present. Which is a pity cuz the actress was killing it tbh, like she definitely carried the lines with her emotion. Unfortunately, it couldn't save them. Like if it was something they dropped on ps3 or wii, it honestly would have done fine. What i mean to say is the dialogue is very outdated in this age of gaming. im actually surprised how out of touch it feels. Especially since otherwise its a solid game all around. Regarding Cuff and Frey banter you do have the option to make it less frequent or just turn it off but i never really found them annoying regardless.

Maybe its just me but the control scheme feels so weird, the games makes you feel like you should be gliding most of the time but holding O while spaming all those trigger buttons feels so awkward to me. But then again I also didnt care enough to change the control scheme so.

#migght come back and edit this as i think of stuff #can genuinely say i like the game though absolutely worth the 30 dollars i got it on sale for any more is a robbery #will probably come back to this when i finish the dlc to see if my mind changed on anything #forspoken #forspoken spoilers #long post #cannot post break on mobile so sorry to ya'll timeline

[brella-boi]

Thinking about doing art as a life thing. Like in a general sense. Theres this stigma that if you do art as a living youre going to be a starving artist. It isnt that far from the truth but I also dont think its like that entirely either. Of course current economic atmosphere is playing a big part, but thats affecting EVERY family not just artists.

Im thinking how so many families try to drive out the idea of being an artist out of peoples heads as a career when they dont understand how vast the choices are. Is designing this lamp on your desk not art? Is building that dinner table not art? Are all the graphics online and UI and icons not art? All the childrens books, and childrens TV, all the special effects in marvel and costume making and prop design and building in real life and 3D. Is that not art?

Families have this immediate train of thought of traditional paintings set up in galleries selling for millions once the artist dies. When in reality thats not really the case. Most fine arts artists set their prices as fairly affordable. They dont want art to be a rich people thing. They want you to enjoy the piece and not break your back while still being paid for their labor.

Its crazy to me. An artist I used to be taught by did childrens workshops and earned a living that way. Almost every member of the museum I know has a main job (whether it relates to art or not is up to them.)

If you want to take up art as your primary source of living then of course you need a backup. But theres isnt any unmarried/unpartnered person that works and can afford their own home. Hell, I got a job that pays pretty average and I wouldnt afford living alone. People who know the risk, still do it, and have no extra funds or savings under their belt have a hard time when they DO move out suddenly realise it wasnt a wise choice. But not because the career is art. Its because any starting job doesnt allow for living alone. Not in this economy.

Which goes back to that stereotype of a failing artist.

Listen when you put your mind to something you WILL achieve it. It will be hard there will be hurdles but if you have the determination and perseverance you. will. achieve. your goals. With help or without. Whether its in your 20s, or your 30s, maybe even 50s. Life doesnt end at 20.

But theres still this one thing that nags me. Because growing up (and im sure others can relate) all the negativity from family only spurred me on. I was going to be successful in one way or another. And you know what? Im proud of where i am. I have a job in the industry with 3 years under my belt now. I have an online shop and can table at cons. Im part of a local group where we sell our art. And, I am part of a gallery now. Im pretty stable, and I am happy. I havent moved out but Im building my savings until I can.

And you know what my family tells me?

"Why dont you become an accountant since this isnt working out?"

Its this paradox of wanting to prove yourself to someone who will never see you as equal, who is never going to see the world through the eyes of an artist and opportunist (because lets be honest, thats what we are) and watch you succeed and climb and do things they once told you were unachievable.... And then still hold your hand and gently ask you, with eyes filled with pity and worry for things which dont exist, if maybe you should consider an office job instead.

#went off on a tangent then #not having immediate direct connection with my distant relatives has realy opened my eyes on how they see me #i bet in 6 years time when i have 10 years experience and working on films ill still be told #hey why domt you work in an office #theres risks as an artist of course abd so many obstacles #one of the obstacles being the negativity from your family #ramble