#still can’t take care of myself. cried about that too it was something. why am the eldest daughter i’m so not fit for it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

realbeijinger · 4 months

Text

Another semi-coherent rant on climate change, the value of idealism, and TGCF (I finally finished!)

Well, I finished Tian Guan Ci Fu. And, oh man, if you read my last post, you’ll know that I was terrified that the entire novel would be a criticism of blind idealism. But I am SO glad I was wrong!!! Looking back on what I wrote before… it’s kind of hilarious how worried I was. I was so sure that I knew where it was going, was so busy preparing myself to be offended/emotionally crushed, that I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that maybe MXTX had a similar worldview to me all along.

In my defense, aside from the line, “Something like saving the common people… although foolish, it is brave,” everything seemed to point toward the idea that trying to do good is pointless. I mean, up until the moment when Xie Lian was lying with a sword in his chest on the streets of Yong’an, all of his efforts to do good had essentially been in vain. He hadn’t been able to help anyone.

And then, when the one guy stopped and gave Xie Lian his hat, I dunno, I just cried. It was so perfect! Like, ugh, damn you, MXTX! So sneaky… destroying us, just to bring us back later!! It was such a small, insignificant win, but it was exactly what Xie Lian (and I) needed. I love the line, “Just one person was enough!” Just one person doing something selfless. It’s enough to give us hope.

It really resonates with me because I think a lot about how to maintain hope. In terms of the climate crisis, I feel like Xie Lian—completely powerless. I want to stop eating meat, use less plastic, spend more time on environmental activism, but honestly, what do any of these things matter? The meat industry is not going to change because I choose to stop consuming. Even my activism has a completely negligible effect—whether or not I join a protest or write a letter to my congressman will almost certainly not be the deciding factor for any climate legislation, no matter how much effort I put in.

And yet, I still want to. I love the moment when Xie Lian chooses to get stabbed over and over rather than create a second plague of Human Face Disease, and White No-Face asks him in shock, “Why??”—as in, why would you ever do that? And Xie Lian responds: “I don’t have a reason—just because I want to! Even if I explained it to you… Useless trash like you wouldn’t understand.” This line is so great. Xie Lian can’t explain it to White No-Face, because, in truth, it isn’t entirely logical. It can’t be explained by reason. I want to do my measly, unimportant part to help the world… because I want to. Because it feels right. Because it’s my way of keeping my heart, of maintaining faith that there is some good in this world worth upholding. (As an aside, I love how the English title of the live action drama—which we may never get to see, God damn censorship!!!!—is called “Eternal Faith.” Of course it refers to Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s faith in each other, but I think it also means having eternal faith in the value of doing good, despite centuries of experience that seem to show its pointlessness.)

As I talked about in my last post, if you zoom out far enough, nothing really seems to matter. Everything we love and care about will one day be gone. And yet, I believe we still have to act like it matters. This is the basic tenant of existentialism, and I think MXTX portrays this philosophical paradox really beautifully.

It’s funny, because I think MXTX has a lot of profound things to say, but in an interview I read, she warned against viewing her work too deeply, saying, “I am not a guru.” I get that she may not want the responsibility of giving people spiritual advice, but I do think she presents some really fascinating, really novel, philosophical ideas. So, sorry MXTX, but I’m about to analyze TGCF like it’s a piece of freakin scripture. Soo here we go…

The main theme she comes back to again and again is that fortune is limited, so the only way you can do good for others is by taking fortune from somebody else. Which leads the characters to a bunch of ethically impossible choices: the people of Yong’an and the people of Xianle can’t all be saved (Xie Lian must choose who to help), neither can the people of Wuyong and the surrounding kingdoms (Prince of Wuyong must choose), and Shi Wudu can’t save his brother from a tragic fate without taking fortune from an innocent person. When the characters try to avoid choosing, and try to “play God” by creating a “third path,” it just invites disaster.

But is this really true? Is fortune actually limited? It’s an idea that reminds me of Buddhism and Daoism, but also seems kind of revolutionary… (I like to think I know something about Chinese philosophy but it could certainly be a thing and I don’t know). I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in limited resources, and the idea that nature tends toward balance. I think conceiving of it this way, as a pool of fortune, is really interesting.

It reminds me of this Meme:

In other words, who is the protagonist and who is the villain is entirely based on perspective. And, according to the laws of nature, we all must survive by eating others, or causing others to starve (i.e. avoiding being eaten).

I tried to think if this is really true in all areas of life. I’m a teacher, and one of the ways I convince myself that I am doing good in the world is by helping my students—preparing them well for college so that they can get into good schools and follow their dreams. But then, is this just taking fortune from others? If I do prepare my students well, and as a result they all get into top universities, does that mean they are taking spots away from other students? Am I simply just helping “my own,” at the expense of others?

One place where I see this concept play out very clearly is with our modern, industrialized society. As I mentioned in my last post, we live in a world of abundance. Most of us have enough food to eat, live in houses with electricity and running water, and don’t worry about a whole host of diseases endured by our ancestors. It seems we have done what Xie Lian couldn’t—we have expanded the well of fortune for most of humanity.

But this fortune wasn’t spontaneously created. It was taken from other species. It was borrowed against our own future, when climate change will likely destroy this world of abundance we have created, causing untold suffering. In truth, when it comes to prosperity, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Even now, when we ought to be enjoying our fortune, most of us are not happy. We want other things. We take food, clothing, and shelter for granted, creating even bigger, more lofty demands—a bigger car, a better house, a machine that’s sole purpose is to make bread. In fact, it seems like whenever we make things “better,” the goalposts just move. I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, which mentioned that with the advent of washing machines and vacuum cleaners, everyone assumed there would be more free time. Yet, the real outcome was that standards of cleanliness just changed. Suddenly, people expected you to wear fresh clothes every day and have a perfectly dust-free home, which meant spending just as much time cleaning as in the past.

And according to psychologists, getting what we want doesn’t really make us happier. Instead, something like getting a promotion causes our happiness to spike, before it quickly returns to baseline. The psychologist Dan Gilbert writes that the purpose of our emotions is to act like a compass—to tell us which direction to go in. If you feel good, you can continue the way you are going. If you feel bad, you should probably turn—make a change. But if you get what you want and become permanently happy, your compass is now broken. It’s stuck in one direction and becomes useless.

All of this is very Buddhist, of course. Suffering is not caused by our external circumstances, but our desire to change them.

Like I said, I don’t necessarily believe in “fate” or “fortune.” But I believe this all points to something deeper that MXTX is getting at: which is that we cannot fundamentally make a better world, for the common people, or for anyone. This idea of “better” doesn’t really exist. The world is as it is. Trying to alter that is like playing God. And like Xie Lian says, “In this world, there are no true gods…”

So, what do we do? How can we survive this absurdist tragedy of life? I don’t think we can just throw up our hands and not give a shit—that way lies depression and Jun Wu-style cruelty. We cannot lose our heart. But we also can’t try to fix everything.

One thing I find a bit difficult about MXTX is she is very clear about the impossible situations our characters find themselves in, but not really clear about the solution. She seems critical of the characters’ actions (I’m thinking also of Wei Wuxian here), but what exactly does she think they should have done? In other words, what is the point?

I spent a long time thinking about this. And I realized that Xie Lian was able to get back on his feet, find happiness and make peace with himself. How did he do this? Ultimately, I see Xie Lian’s solution as having three parts: self-sacrifice, gratitude, and purpose. Which all sounds very academic and maybe not that profound on an emotional level. But hear me out. Because, in the end, I think these choices are incredibly beautiful. They are the kind of thing that make me feel like reading TGCF was actually a spiritual experience, no matter what MXTX says. That makes me admire Xie Lian and want to follow him (like the God he is).

Okay so first: self-sacrifice. If fortune is limited, and the only way to make others’ lives better is to take fortune from someplace else, then there is really only one place you can take it from without hurting others—yourself.

So, part of Xie Lian’s solution is to take fortune from himself and give it to others. It’s why he asks for a cursed shackle that disperses his fortune, so that his fortune will naturally flow to those around him. It’s, of course, a very small thing. He is no longer playing God, or trying to “fix” the world on a grand scale. He is simply, in his own, quiet way, serving the common people.

My desire to give up meat and to spend more time on activism—these things feel like big sacrifices for me. And yet, they will have a very small impact on the greater situation in the world. They’re a drop in the ocean. I still want to do it, but it’s hard. It’s hard to care, or think that these things matter. Yet, this is the trade-off Xie Lian was willing to make. I really admire him for it.

I believe self-sacrifice is actually a really important, beautiful thing, that our society has forgotten the value of. We are individualistic—obsessed with our own wants. As I mentioned previously, our expectations have risen, so we buy and buy and buy. We are unwilling to rein in our consumption. I know a lot of people baulk at lifestyle changes as a solution to the climate crisis, and I agree that putting pressure on individuals instead of governments or corporations is misguided. But, first of all, there simply aren’t enough resources on earth to sustain our current levels of consumption. And, second… I don’t think we can completely let individuals off the hook. What is society anyway, but a collection of individuals? If we are going to address this thing, it’s going to take a massive movement—bigger than the civil rights movement or the works’ rights movement or the women’s movement. It’s going to take millions of people worldwide getting out of their own heads, their own lives, and concerning themselves with the greater good. That requires immense sacrifice.

Which takes me to gratitude. In order to be willing to sacrifice, you have to appreciate what you already have.

People often talk about gratitude these days as a path to mental health. Instinctively, it sounds like an uplifting, positive thing. And it is… but it also entails having a relatively negative worldview. It means remembering all the horrible things that exist in this world which we are lucky enough to avoid on a daily basis. You stepped in some dog shit? Well, that sucks, but you could have stepped into an open manhole and broken your neck! So! That’s something to be grateful for.

We are all so lucky. I’m sure everyone reading this has pains and traumas and challenges. This isn’t to diminish those, but, I hope, at least we all have at least one person to love. That’s all Hua Cheng had, and it’s what kept him going. Just one person was enough. And most of us, I hope, get to eat food every day, get to sleep in a bed, get to play video games or read novels or write poetry when we are sad. Not everyone gets those things.

Xie Lian, of course, was the king of low expectations, because he knew his future was going to be bad. He had intentionally accepted bad luck for a lifetime. So, there was no point in hoping for things to get better.

I think this attitude is best shown by his interaction with the Venerable of Empty words. The Venerable of Empty Words feeds off people’s fears. But Xie Lian didn’t really have any. When the Venerable of Empty Words warned him that his hut will collapse in two months, his response is, “Two months? If it’s still standing in seven days, then it’ll be a real miracle.” Because his expectations are so low, he’s essentially immune to fear. I can’t help but think that if you could really think this way, it would be a kind of superpower. It reminds me of the famous quote by spiritual teacher Krishnamurti, “Do you know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

And so Xie Lian is okay with everything. He can sleep anywhere, crash boulders on his chest for money, not eat for three days, regularly suffer corpse poisoning, and still be okay.

Which leads to my third point: purpose. Xie Lian is able to endure such hardship because his expectations are low, but also he knows all his suffering has a purpose. “If I am to become a God of misfortune, then so be it,” he says. “As long as I know deep down that I am not.” He is okay with being laughed at or avoided for his bad luck, because deep down he knows he is doing the right thing. People can withstand a great deal if they feel their suffering has meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, the psychiatrist Victor Frankl’s writes about the horrors of living through a concentration camp, and how over and over, it was creating purpose that allowed him, and others, to find motivation to survive. Which I think has an important lesson for self-sacrifice. People are willing to sacrifice a lot, if they feel their sacrifice has purpose.

I get it when MXTX says that she is not a guru, and maybe it’s a lot to ask of a danmei novel to take spiritual advice from it. The book wasn’t necessarily perfect, and I do have some critiques (which I was gonna add here, but this thing is already wayyy too long). But… I do think I found something really meaningful in this story—some inspiration. I want to follow Xie Lian’s example, and live with gratitude and acceptance, while keeping my faith in doing the right thing. In other words, WWXLD! (What Would Xie Lian Do?)

#tgcf #mxtx #heaven official's blessing #tgcf meta #tian guan ci fu #climate change #xie lian #hualian #danmei #chinese bl

82 notes · View notes

cherryluvrx3 · 7 months

Text

KINKTOBER day 3: stuck

Mitsuri Kanroji x gn reader

cw. Contains pussy eating (hers), dubious consent

………..

Mitsuri had invited me over to her home to hang out and catch up, it had been a while since we’d seen each other and she had sent her crow to me saying she’d like to have some tea and chat.

I was very excited, after all I loved Mitsuri! She was so sweet, kind and silly. I came exactly on time but when I called out to her, she didn’t come to the door. I was worried maybe something had happened, not that she couldn’t take care of herself of course, so I let myself in, still calling out to her as I walked through her estate.

“Mitsuri!?”

Nothing.

“Mitsuri!?”

“Here! I’m here! Help!” I heard her call out.

I went down the hall and turned the corner quickly only to be met with… a strange sight.

“Oh, (Y/n) help me! I’ve been stuck here for about 30 minutes!” She whined, her legs kicking out in irritation.

Mitsuri was… stuck… in a wall?

“Mitsuri.. how did you even do this?” I asked incredulously as I crouched down. Her whole upper body gone through the wall, only her butt and legs still on my side.

“Well, I was cleaning up a bit to prepare for your visit but I lost track of time and ran down the hallway so I could go change out my uniform but my socks made me slip and I slammed into the wall..” she explained, although I couldn’t see her face I could guess she was probably embarrassed.

I could also guess that she would be even more embarrassed if she knew that her skirt flipped up in the fall and her panties were on full display.

“Ah I see..” I said, swallowing thickly as I stared at her plump ass. “Why haven’t you gotten out yet? I’m sure you could on your own.”

“I did try but the wall started crumbling more! I don’t wanna break more of it than I already had.” She explained. “Uhm.. if it’s not too much trouble, do you think you could help pull me out? Maybe that way I won’t break the wall too much.” She mumbled shyly.

Who am I to refuse a sweet lady’s request?

“A-alright I’ll try..” I took a deep breath before grabbing her waist and trying to guide her back out. Mitsuri moved quicker then I expected though and her ass smushed against my crotch.

“Ah!”

“Wait… wait.. (Y/n)!? Is my butt out!?” She yelped. Oh, she must’ve felt the cloth of my pants on her skin.

“..yes..”

“O-ohhh my.. why didn’t you tell me!?” Her voice shook with embarrassment and her thighs pressed together as if that would help preserve herself.

“Uhm.. let's just focus on trying to get you out.” I changed the subject as I moved to grab the fat of her hips and tugged.

I bit my lip at the feeling of my fingers sinking into her soft flesh, she wiggled as she tried to maneuver her way out.

“Ugh! I just can’t squeeze out right! How’d I even get in then!?” She groaned, seemingly giving up. “This is so embarrassing- especially since you can see my butt!” She whined.

“C'mon you gotta get out somehow- wait..”

“Huh? What? What is it?”

I crouched down, my face close to her clothed core and I could see for sure.

“Mitsuri, are you getting turned on?”

“What!? No I- no! Stop looking!” She cried, her legs thrashing as she weakly tried to escape.

My thumb traced along the outline of her lips, up then back down, pressing against the nub that poked out.

“I can see your panties are wet here.”

“Mmnno! No they’re not stop touching there!”

Her thighs shook as I pressed to where her entrance would be, the only thing stopping me from going too deep being her panties. I grabbed them and stretched them up, putting pressure on her clit and her body jumped, “A-ah! Don’t- ughh..” she whined as her hips automatically humped the air, craving stimulation and trying to grind further into the sweet pressure her panties gave her clit. I snickered and leaned down further, my tongue coming out to flick against her nub. She gasped and pressed her ass back further into my face.

Fuck it.

I gripped the fat of her ass cheeks and pressed her as close to my face as I could, my tongue slobbering all over her pussy as she got wetter and wetter. I could taste her slick through her soaking panties. “O-oh!” She gasped as I ravaged her, sucking and tonguing her slit, desperate for her taste. I groaned and pulled back, tearing her panties down her legs as fast as I could.

Her pretty pussy was now on display, pink lips glistening with her essence, her hole needy and clenching around nothing. My thumbs went to spread her open before I shot my tongue out and thrust it in her entrance. Mitsuri’s whole body shot forward each time I slammed my face into her messy pussy, “Ohh! That’s so good ugh!” She whined.

Her thighs shook when I went down to suck on her clit, my tongue flicking it side to side before slurping it back between my lips, suckling in her flesh. The tang of her pussy sat on my tongue and I groaned at how intense the throbbing in my crotch was. I'd sell my soul if it meant I could have her like this everyday. I could go on and on with all the things I’d do to her if I could, I’d ruin her if she let me.

I leant back and panted, my lower face wet with her slick. “Noo.. come back please..” she whined and wiggled her hips desperately, her pussy dripping onto the floor. “C'mere pretty girl..” I mumbled, pulling her back to me before I gave a quick kiss to her clit. I slipped two fingers into her hole, she was so wet they went in fairly easily despite her being tight.

She sighed and slumped against the floor at the feeling of my fingers slowly mixing up her insides. Her pussy squelched as it coiled and tightened around my fingers. I moved against her bumpy walls, easing her open. I groaned at the sight of her cream forming around my fingers, dripping down to her clit. I dove in and slurped that up too. “Haahhh… pleasepleasepleasee.. I’m so close please!” She whined, her hips grinding against my tongue and thrusting against my fingers. Just then I found it, the gummy spot in her that made her legs seize up, “O-oh right there!” She yelped and shook as I stroked my fingers back and forth, pressing into that spot. My tongue flicked against her throbbing nub as her pussy leaked more.

“Uhnn I’m cumming! I’m cumming god don’t stop I’m-” she cut off by her own obscene moan, her hips shaking as her walls clenched and pulsed around my fingers. I sighed in satisfaction as I savored her flavor. She fully slumped against the floor, sweaty and flushed.

“Um.. we still have to get you out Mitsu…”

——————

Wow day 3!!! I have a feeling this probably won’t get as much attention bc I don’t think female charas x readers are very popular…. But idgaf I’m writing for all the ladies I’m horny for!!!! >u<

I actually was going a little crazy writing this bc there was so much I wanted to say bc OOUUUU I WANT MITSURI SO BADD… but I couldn’t write it fluently without being a jumbled horny mess 😭

#mitsuri kanroji #demon slayer #mitsuri x reader #mitsuri kanroji x reader #demon slayer smut #kinktober

88 notes · View notes

latenightbreezeinheaven · 1 year

Text

Natal aspects from my natal chart + my personal experiences (planets in houses) *Part-1* ☃️

First of all, these are my experiences due to my personal placements in my natal chart so please take them with a pinch of salt. They are not facts. Every placement has good and bad sides and I’m not an astrologer too.

Saturn in 1st house

🖤Since I was a child, I was taught to be able to stand on my own feet and stay alone. My mother said she tried to stay away from me both physically and mentally as possible as she could because she was afraid that I would be too much emotionally attached to her. I was extremely soft and I relied on my parents at that time, so they didn’t want me to grow up as a weak person. That’s why I never tried again to rely on my parents, mostly emotionally because I know that I am the only one who has to pull myself up again and they aren’t.

🖤I have issues with my self-image and appearance, especially my body, since I was about 12 or 13. I feel like I’m not beautiful and I don’t meet up to this generation’s beauty standards.😐

🖤According to my mother, I started talking at about 3 or I guess even 4. It’s considered a bit late compared to my cousins and my brother. I don’t know if this placement is related to my talking stages but my speech was delayed and it was at the first stage of my life so yeah.🤷🏻‍♀️

🖤I think I’m responsible for every matter that happens around me even though I didn’t cause them.

🖤My parents have expected me to take care of my brother and his needs since I was about 10 and he was 5. I had to console him whenever he cried and I had to feed him, cook for him when they worked etc. They put too many responsibilities on my shoulders from the start so I wasn’t really carefree as a child.

🖤I’m also extremely hard on myself. I want to be perfect in every scenario and I feel this need to come out as a strong and independent person.

🖤My mother told me that when I was a newborn baby, I already looked like a 3-year-old kid. My facial appearances looked mature and till now, a lot of people still think I’m a lot older than I really am.😭

🖤My parents, especially my mom is really strict and they also have very high expectations on me. I feel judged by them quite often even when I’m doing well academically.

🖤They are also conservative, especially my mom. She yells at me whenever I tell her that I want to have a boyfriend but I don’t want to marry him and I will just live together and sleep with him. (It’s quite forbidden in our country and publicly considered as something we shouldn’t do).😂

🖤I am prone to anxiety. I often have anxiety attacks and I bite nails a lot too.

🖤Saturn also conjuncts my ascendant, so people also often tell me that I have prominent high cheekbones and I also think it’s true. But jawline? My jawline doesn’t look Capricorn rising-nish. I’m not also tall and slim. Actually, my body depicts exactly what a cancer rising with a cancer stellium would look like.

Lilith in 1st house

💃I’m not sexualized directly by men but every man I’ve met always wanted to chat with me about sex only. It’s really weird because my friends also have boyfriends but none of their boyfriends treats them like a sex toy. And I feel like a sex toy among those guys. They don’t want to take me out on dates and instead, they just want sex. I can’t tell if that is “sexualization” but I also get comments about my body a lot in both positive and negative ways.

💃Anyways, apart from men, I get stared a lot, not in a sexual way but in a more curious way like I’m an alien or some mythical creature popped out of a 13th century novel book.😂😭

💃I was also outcasted by my friends most of the times because they thought I’m too slutty (they said it themselves behind me). My ex friends bullied me and slut-shamed me so I have become a bad bitch since then. That’s why I don’t really care about friends in my life. They’re not my priority. Normally, I’m really bubbly and friendly but at times, my bitchy side comes up and forces me to stay detached from friends and never trust them.

💃Another thing I experience is I always have problems with authority figures. I hate it when someone uses their power to win something unfairly. But on the other hand, I’m secretly in love with authority and power because I want to own them and use them in a good way.

💃Some people also tell me that when they make an eye contact with me, they feel intense and intimidated but also warm and comforted at the same time (probably my cancer rising again lol).

💃I’m rebellious and I love weird outfits which are different from others.

💃I’m a bit open-minded when it comes to sexual matters (except when some random guy talks about sex out of nowhere for like 3 hours straight). I don’t feel ashamed to discuss about sex education whereas my friends see that as a taboo topic in the society.

💃I hate my body when I can’t fit into some outfits that I love but I love to touch it a lot and I also love to sleep naked (except I can’t sleep naked anymore after my parents found out about that).😭😭

💃However, the room doesn’t go silent when I enter. I’m not that powerful though.

💃I also don’t care about what other people think about me. It’s like “fuck off” vibes coming out from me since I got bullied.

Moon in 3rd house

📚People tell me I’m smart. I don’t get compliments about how pretty I am but I get ones about how intelligent I am. However, I don’t really think I’m THAT smart but maybe almost. HAHAHHAH😝

📚I love to express myself by writing out on a paper or on websites or on apps like this. I just love to turn my emotions into sentences and sometimes they turn into short stories. Writing releases my stress.

📚I love to write and read a lot. A book, a cat and gallons of iced coffee are enough for me in a day.

📚By traveling, I gain knowledge, inspiration and happiness. It’s my stress reliever for all time.

📚I love to ride cars too (I know it’s weird but I even had a childhood dream in which I live in a van and travel around the country).

📚I love my brother a lot and I have a very affectionate and friendly bond with him. I also try so hard to get along well with my cousins and stay friendly with them even though they’re a bit fake.🙄

📚Back to my brain. My primary teachers always complimented me about my intelligence and my grades and I was always the one who got first prize in every year for 5 years straight. Not bragging but it’s true.🤣

📚My moods change very often and my mind is scattered. It’s like a wide field with multiple places to hide and suddenly, a clown shows up from nowhere out of the blue! For instance, at first, I’m on instagram. Then after a minute, I remember to reply dms so I go onto messenger. Then, not even a minute later, I’m on TikTok again. Then, I’m on Reddit. It’s like soooo scattered that I don’t even know how to describe. I think my anxiety attacks also come from this placement.

📚I’m not grounded. I like to meditate but I can’t be consistent about it because of my intrusive thoughts. I jump from one topic to another very quickly when I talk.

📚I’m not a very good listener. I’m always ready to talk about various topics. So if I listen to someone very patiently, then he/she is important to me or I’m going to ghost them soon so I’m being patient in the present time loll😭

📚I overthink a lot and I tend to forget about a lot of things too. On the other hand, I also have a photographic memory about certain events like how my mom breastfed me. I remember what she wore and how she looked very vividly although I was just about 1 or 2 at that time but I don’t remember what I ate as a breakfast this morning. Strange right?

📚I love to learn foreign languages because they challenge me and intrigue me!

📚I’m also curious about everything and often have questions like “how were the oceans created?” “were Adam and Eve real people or just myth?” and my thoughts spiral into a big infinite hole and I get detached from the reality and my eyes are like 💀DEAD💀.

📚I also tend to turn my emotions into a problem to be solved instead of accepting and dealing with them. I observe me and my feelings from the third party view and respond to them logically. It’s not that I’m not emotional but I rationalize my feelings from another perspective.

📚I love to contain full stops, exclamation marks, question marks at the end of every sentence. If someone doesn’t do that, I judge them secretly LMAO.😭

Jupiter in 3rd house

🪄You can say that I’m quite lucky when it comes to education. I stand out among others since I was a child due to my education success. My parents could also support my education financially unlike right now, they’re struggling for my brother’s.

🪄I am a quick learner and I have a large vocabulary. I love to use advanced words in my language (Burmese).

🪄I am also quite talkactive but only with people I’m comfortable with. However, most of the time, I get into trouble for talking too much. I spill all the tea without any intentions but that drags me into a big mess and that’s why I have to control myself a lot when I communicate with someone, not to share gossips or else I’ll be in trouble again.

🪄Most of the times, people think I exaggerate a lot but I don’t.

🪄I hate HATE misspellings. They irritate me Periodt.

🪄I’m also open-minded and not afraid to observe from other perspectives. But my beliefs are so strong like try to attack them and I’ll kick you out of my life forever.🦵🏼

🪄I love learning about various things and I also like to be seen as a nerd. As long as I’m learning something, I feel valuable and precious.

🪄I prefer intelligence to beauty. When I say intelligence, it’s not only about studies but also about the keys in communication, how to eat and drink with manners, how to fight back people with wits etc. I’m quite of a sapiosexual. I get turned off when someone doesn’t know about something they should know. I get turned on when someone is intelligent and knows exactly how to talk to someone. Appearances matters too but not very important as long as they have brains.🧠

🪄I also love to see arguments (not in an aggressive way) and I always guess why they have their own opinions by trying to be in their shoes. And I get turned on when someone I already admire gets passionate in intellectual arguments wisely.🥵

Pluto in 6th house

⚡️I love hardworking people and I also try hard to perform well in my daily routines. I put efforts even into tiny cases.

⚡️I have a very strong will when it comes to my career and I hate being told what to do. I’m still at college so I have zero experience about work places but I think I would be obsessed with my work because that’s how I imagine myself to be.🤓

⚡️When I get emotional, I try to stay as productive as I can and I shift my focus onto my daily routines, my studies and my ambition to suppress them. I know it’s bad but I can’t deal with all of them. Emotions are weakness for me.

⚡️I love and hate routines at the same time. My Gemini sun and 3rd house moon hate them but my Virgo moon and 6th house Pluto love them.

⚡️I get stressed out a lot when my routines are ruined. For example, I even feel like my life is a mess if I didn’t finish some work in a limited time. I want to cry when I’m not productive and I go on self-destruction mode if I feel like that. I waste more time if I know I’m not doing enough. And then I cry. And the cycle repeats. So, the only way to keep myself happy is to stay productive and to be perfect in every work I do.

⚡️I’m also very competitive among my peers (my mars Aries doubles it).

TW: Eating disorder

⚡️I hate diets and workouts (I don’t know if this is related to Pluto in 6th house though). I have three personal planets in hard aspect to Pluto. I also have an eating disorder. I’m trying to maintain my balance again but it falls back every time. Either I binge or I restrict shockingly. There’s no in-between. Right now, I’m in my binging era with inconsistent workouts (even though I HATEEE workouts).

⚡️I love cats but cats don’t love me I guess. Whenever I look in the eyes of cats, they get scared of me and run away without hesitation. But they love to receive cuddles from me and they let me pet them though.🥺

This is the end of this post and thank you for reading to the end. Have a great day fellows!

Part-2 will be about planets in 7th house to 12th house!!✨

#astrology observations #astrology notes #astrology #astro notes #astro observations #saturn in 1st house #moon in 3rd house #jupiter in 3rd house #pluto in 6th house #lilith in 1st house #saturn conjunct ascendant #natal chart

381 notes · View notes

mar64ds · 1 year

Photo

trying to be better

(ID: A comic of 6 pages about Papyrus and Flowey from Undertale. In the first panel, Papyrus is looking up with a concerned look on his face. He says 'Flowey, we were worried about you! And now... I'll admit it, it's cool that a human soul let's you be taller, but that's besides the point. You can't really believe this is a good idea. Hurting people that aren't your friends it's still hurting people'. In the next panel, we can see that Papyrus was talking to Flowey, who has acquired a human soul, changing his appearence a little bit. He is bigger now, his petals are pointy and he has a human soul in his left palm. He looks slightly confused and replies 'I care about... you guys or whatever... but who cares about someone I don't know? Besides, they won't even be permanently hurt!'. Papyrus then tells him 'Do you really believe that?' Flowey smiles an evil grin and says 'Heheheh, why is it so hard to believe? Maybe I want to be cruel again! I'm at least good at that! I know how to be awful and terrible, being nice is way too hard. Maybe I should just accept who I am instead of keep disappointing people'. In the next panel he looks up to a save point, like the ones they show up in the game and says 'Besides, I miss all the power, all the fun, all the possibilities! Being a god! Why would I want to give that up?! Heheheh!' Papyrus looks skeptical, he stays quiet for a second looking at Flowey, then says 'I don't believe you. I don't think you miss being like this'. Flowey asks 'What?', confused. Papyrus then explains what he means, 'I think you are scared and you want to go back to something familiar. You think it might be easier to be cruel than to be nice and feel guilty when you make mistakes' Flowey is taken aback by this, he is nervous and looks away from Papyrus. He tries to deny it and says 'That's not-' but is interrupted by Papyrus who says 'But Flowey, this isn't you'. Flowey replies with 'This is me, this is who I really am'. Papyrus tells him 'This could be you, but you can choose not to be. You can be this Flowey or you can be the Flowey that likes spending time with his friends, the Flowey that takes care of other flowers, the Flowey that gets annoyed when he loses in a videogame, the Flowey that apologizes when he makes mistake but tries again the next day' Flowey is quiet after this, he looks at his hands with a sad look on his face. 'Why are you always so nice... Hahah...' he says. We can see that the left hand has the human soul, while the right hand has the red ribbon Papyrus gave him a while ago, he still kept it even in this form. He keeps talking, 'You know, I was really scared of any of you seeing me like this... I thought it was because I was worried you would try to stop me'. Tears fall from his eyes and land on his hands, he sobs and says 'No, it wasn't that, heheh...'. Flowey takes the human soul from his palm with the right hand with the ribbon on it, and returns to his regular form. Flowey looks down and cries quietly while offering the soul to Papyrus, knowing it will be safe with him and he will find a good place for it. Flowey sniffes and says 'Here it is...', Papyrus smiles at him and replies 'Hey it's okay you made the right choice'. Flowey says 'Well, the right choice hurts'. Papyrus then asks 'Where did you get this soul anyway?'. Flowey explains 'I don't know, I just... found it. I saw it the other day, just laying there. And... I don't know' In the next panel, Flowey is holding the soul with an upset look, he continues 'I was upset that day and the idea just came to me. I could just take this soul and no one would notice. I could have my powers back. That sounded fun, even if I felt sick just thinking about it, it sounded fun.' Flowey gives the soul to Papyrus while he keeps talking, 'Maybe if I hurt someone else that aren't my friends, this could work. That's what I told myself. There are so many people in this world now... and besides, I could just reset everything again, so I'm not doing anything bad, right? It still didn't feel right but... at least it was something I knew. Maybe it was the familiarity of cruelty, or the familiarity of hating myself. But it was familiar' Flowey looks upset but is hiding part of his face with his petals, he finishes with 'So for a second, I wanted to go back to something like that. But then you found me and...'. Papyrus looks at him concerned and tries to change the subject to make Flowey less upset, 'We were worried about you, Flowey, you were gone for a couple of days. The others are looking for you too. You can talk to us, just don't run away like that, okay?' Flowey doesn't reply, he seems lost in thought, and suddenly he cries. 'What is wrong with me? Why would I try to do that? I'm so disgusting...' he tells to himself. Papyrus sits down next to him and says 'I'll admit, it wasn't a good idea, but you didn't do it'. Flowey is trying to dry off his tears but he can't stop crying, he says 'Only because of you...'. Papyrus continues, 'But you made the choice. You didn't want to do it deep down'. Flowey isn't convinced, 'But I was going to anyway'. Papyrus tries again, 'But you didn't! You should be proud of that! You...', he sighs and continues, 'I get it, you feel guilty. I'm not saying you should feel okay about this or that you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes guilt is necessary, it helps you realize your mistakes, it helps you grow' Flowey doesn't say anything, he keeps crying quietly, but he seems to be concentrated on what Papyrus is saying. Papyrus continues, 'Flowey, don't run away. Don't make yourself miserable and hide from everyone else, that's not going to help you or me or anyone. But you know what would? Being there, and try being better, no matter how small you might think your acts of kindness are. And if you make mistakes? You learn from them, that's all. That's what would really help' Flowey sighs and stays quiet for a second until he says, 'Okay'. Then he looks at Papyrus with a sad expression, 'Papyrus... I'm really sorry'. Papyrus only smiles at him and says 'I'm proud of your decision, Flowey'. Flowey smiles at him after that and says 'Golly, you always know what to say, huh?' and Papyrus replies with 'I'm a wise skeleton'. / end ID)

#deltaruneundertale #my art #safeutdr

220 notes · View notes

lovelywritinglady · 1 year

Text

Be Okay pt.1

Satoru Gojo x Reader

Angst, mentions of cheating. You find your lover with another woman and decide it’s time to move on.

Your pov

I wish things were different. My lover, Satoru, has been acting different lately. He’s not so cheerful anymore and neither am I. I just didn’t realize how much pain I would be in. I can’t stay with him anymore. He no longer treats me the way he use to. I’ve tried to talk to him about my feelings, but he acts like nothing is wrong. I don’t smile as much I use to. My heart aches with my realization. That our love has failed. That all of those sweet words were temporary and that we were doomed from the start. That soon enough I will be losing my “perfect romance.

Today I found out he was seeing another woman. I don’t know her name, but I do know that she is very pretty. I found them at a coffee shop four blocks from our shared apartment. I never heard what they said. I just saw how Satoru smiled when he looked at her. It wasn’t a half assed smile either. This was the same way he looked at me throughout our four year relationship. He looked like he was enjoying himself with her. She was just as enthusiastic about being with him as well.

At first I tried to deny the truth from myself. That maybe she was just a friend that he hadn’t seen in a long time and they were catching up. That he maybe was just putting on a happy act with a friend. But my theories were shot down quickly when I saw something that crushed my very soul. He kissed her. And not just a small peck. But a genuine kiss filled with passion and even perhaps, love.

After I saw them share a kiss, I decided to go home. My heart was aching so bad that it felt as though the very air in my lungs were bricks. With tear stained eyes, I pushed my way into the apartment. I didn’t even make it to the couch as my legs felt so weak. I just had to stop and and cry. I had never cried so hard In my life.

My tears fell and my face grew numb from my cries. The emotions going through me were a mix of sadness, pain, anger, and confusion. It’s felt as though they were all mixed up in a sort of emotional wave. It could control my cries nor did I want to. So I let myself feel for as long as I needed to.

About an hour later, I started to calm down. I still felt horrible, but now I needed to take care of myself. I’m not going to wallow in my pain right now. Satoru could be home soon and I just don’t want to face him. Why should I? Why should I face him, when he wasn’t ready to face me? Why couldn’t he just say he didn’t love me anymore? I would’ve preferred that over finding him with that beautiful woman.

I decided I needed to leave. There was nothing holding me to this apartment anymore. Satoru paid for it. Lord knows he can afford it. So got up and went into our shared bedroom to pack my things. Good thing I’ve never been one too hold on to a lot of stuff. Just some clothes, toiletries, and a few souvenirs I had from my childhood. And I packed them all in about two suitcases and a small bag.

I called f/n and told them everything going on and they didn’t hesitate to let me stay with them until I could find my own place to stay. It feels so nice to have someone like them. Hell, I don’t know how well I’ll manage without their support. They told me they’d be over in 15 minutes and right now I’m just hoping Satoru won’t be come home. I don’t wish to see the man that broke my trust.

While waiting, I wrote him a letter. Explaining my feelings without actually talking to him because I know that I would not be able to contain my emotions. In the letter, I told him what I saw. And how there is no way that he wasn’t with her after what I had seen. How he had broken my trust and threw our love away like it was nothing. Like how I was nothing. I thanked him for loving me though all these years and hoped that at least some of it was real. Finally I told him that I hope he’s happy with her and that I will be moving on with my life. That I do not wish for him to contact me. That I am going to be okay.

I left the note on the kitchen counter along with the necklace he gave me on our first anniversary. I didn’t even look back at the apartment and I’m so glad that he didn’t come home while I was waiting for f/n. I feel like I somehow waisted years of my life on someone who could never truly love me. And that hurt my heart even more. I just hope one day that I can be okay. I’m just sad that he won’t be in my life anymore. But it’s going to be okay.

Thank you so much for reading❤️ I will be making a PART 2 for this. It will have Satoru’s pov and what happens to next. I might make this in to a series, but we’ll see. Thanks.

•I do NOT own any characters except for y/n and f/n•

F/n = Friend name

Please feel free to request, comment, and reblog

Click here to see what I’ll write for and HERE for my master list.

-L.W.L

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

247 notes · View notes

blueicequeen19 · 1 year

Text

Always Been You

Warnings: angst, betrayal 👀

I grab her hand, stopping her retreat. I couldn’t bare to let her walk away from me again. Not after everything. She’d came to see me at the Chateau. That had to mean something.

“Y/N, I—.”

“Don’t.” She whips around to face me, tears in her beautiful eyes as she pushes my hand away.

“Don’t tell me you love me. Not now.” She snaps.

“Why not?” My heart sinks to the bottom of the ocean floor.

“Because love is not enough.” She cries, pulling away from my hands as I try to pull her to me.

“After everything that’s happened.. you think love is just going to fix it?” She sobs, pushing against me as I cup her face.

“I didn’t want to love you but I do. I tried to resist but you’re so damn annoying and persistent. I can’t breathe when you’re in the same room as me and I can’t breathe when you’re not. So what am I supposed to do?” I rasp, nearly nose to nose with her.

Her eyes squeeze shut, tears streaming down her face and onto my hands on her cheeks.

“You’re it for me. We can deal with whatever happens but right now, this is about you and me.”

She continues to pull away from me, not meeting my eyes as her own fill with tears.

“I don’t care that you’re in love with Rafe Cameron.” I bite out, her eyes snapping to mine in disbelief. She really thought I didn’t know.

“JJ, I—.”

“I don’t care. He was there for you when I couldn’t be. I know that. But you love me too. I know you do. Whatever happens we can figure out.”

“It’s not that simple, J.” She murmurs, hers adverting me again. She was ashamed.

“Did you sleep with him? Because if you did I don’t care about that either. You probably thought I was dead or never coming back. This gold thing has taken me away a lot but I’m here now.” I pull her against me but she shakes her head again, not meeting my eyes again.

“It’s not just that. I did things. Things I didn’t know where about you and your friends. I thought I was helping Rafe but he lied to me.”

“What are you talking about?” My heart skips a beat, panic settling in my gut.

“I’m the one who got him the information about the train. I helped him plan to rob the train even though it was his stuff. His dad was just trying to cut him out and sell the cross.”

Anger fills every fiber of my body at her words. It was her.

“The cross wasn’t his or Ward’s.” I try to say as calmly as I can.

“I didn’t know. He lied to me. It wasn’t until everything went down with Pope that I figured it out. It’s always been about the gold and proving himself to his dad.”

“Yea, well, that’s what Rafe Cameron does. He lies and he manipulates people.” I pop off before I can stop myself and her eyes find mine again, narrowed and ablaze.

“He’s never lied to me before. I didn’t know.”

“And now that you do?”

She lets out a long, shaky breath, afraid to tell me what I already know. She still loves him despite everything. The same way I still love her regardless of that fact that she had a hand in Pope losing his family legacy.

“I’m.. still trying to figure it out.”

“Are you going to ‘figure it out’ in his bed or mine?” I murmur, taking her hand and threading my fingers through hers. She squeezes my hand, the hurt and guilt written all over her face. I smile softly, pulling her closer and tipping her chin up.

After everything, I still wanted her. I still loved her. I didn’t want to be angry anymore.

“It’s always been you.” She whispers, her pupils blown and her breathing uneven as she presses against me.

I lean down to press my lips to hers and she lets me, her lips soft against mine as I quickly deepen the kiss. My cock swells in my shorts as she molds her front against mine, her hand coming up to grab my hair. She kisses me back just as hungrily, pushing me down on the couch before pulling away. I tear my shirt over my head before reaching for hers, nothing else mattered but feeling her naked against me but she pulls away.

She reaches behind her, a dark look in her eye before she quickly withdraws a gun and points it at my chest. My eyes widen, as my hands shoot up in defense.

“What the fuck?” I gasp, her expression hard as she tries to keep her eyes trained on my face.

“I’m sorry, J. I really am.” She says, her voice even as she keeps the gun pressed at my chest. I could tell by the way she was holding it that she knew what she was doing. Someone had taught her how to use it and she’d clicked the safety off.

“Don’t do this.” I beg, my hands balling in fists as I resist the urge to knock the gun away and keep her here anyway.

“Take me to the gold. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

#smutwarning #outer banks smut #jj maybank smut #jj maybank fic #jj maybank imagine #obx2 #jj maybank fluff #rudy pankow #jj maybank x you #jj obx

114 notes · View notes

thefreakymunson · 2 years

Text

Anywhere But Here, Chapter 11

Taglist: @rockautumnviking @hazzaismyreligion @iratetourist @xcatnapsx @haylaansmi @iamaslutforcoffee @tlclick73 @eclipseeetop @lullaapots @benztrip @micheledawn1975 @fuckmeupeds @edsforehead @livasaurasrex @prozacandnicotine @fuckmeupeds @shinydixon @hellfirefiend @anaisweird @spookygally @morganamoonstone @leather-n-velvet @harringtonfan4 CW: Nothing really, just some cuteness, lil drug use talk, nnnddd i think that's it? Anywhere But Here Masterlist

You were jostled awake by the RV hitting a bump in the road. You sighed softly, eyes cracking open to the dark RV. Glancing over at the clock, it read 4:36 AM. Sleeping was hard on the road, but luckily, you’d have a chance to catch up on some rest soon. There was a two day stay in Indiana to give the guys some time to rest after the show tonight.

It was a smaller venue, more intimate, but the guys were stoked to play it. Apparently The Hideout was where they got their start. You were excited to see their old stomping grounds, but the anxiety you felt being that close to where Stacy resided made your stomach feel queasy. It was either that or the pregnancy – possibly both.

You sat up on the side of the bed, letting your feet dip down onto the cold floor.

“You okay?” You heard Eddie’s sleepy voice, still hoarse from the prior nights show, come from behind you.

“Yeah, go back to sleep.” You said softly, patting his hand that reached out for you, “Just going to get something to drink.”

When you opened the sliding door to the bedroom, you seen Sam sitting up on the fold out couch. There was a small lamp on beside of her, and you could tell by the way she was curled up, she was reading the book you had loaned her earlier.

“Can’t sleep either?” You asked softly.

She acted as if she didn’t hear you and you laughed slightly to yourself. She was giving you the silent treatment apparently.

“Okay,” you said as you sat down beside of her, “Well...I just wanted to apologize. I snapped at you yesterday and I’m sorry.”

“Does he know now?”

“He does know.”

“Yeah,” you nodded.

“Did you take the test?”

“No, I’m going to wait at least a week. I’m just two days late so anything could happen.” You shrugged softly, “We had a long talk and I swore to him I could take care of it by myself, but he said he didn’t want me to have to go through any of it alone.”

“Will he go see Madison while he’s in town?”

“That’s all he talked about last night was getting to see her, so I’m sure.” You nodded, “Things aren’t completely resolved between us but...I get the feeling that I haven’t heard the entire story of what really happened between him and Stacy, or why she was left with his uncle. It’s hard for him to talk about.”

“Yeah, but he can’t keep you just waiting to hear the entire story.” Sam frowned.

“Holy shit,” she sighed, “This tour is wild already.”

“It is,” you laughed, “There’s less than a month to go, too.”

“What happens then?”

“Hm?”

“When the tour is over and he goes back to Indiana and you go back home...what then?”

The weight of her question hit you like a ton of bricks. Truth is, you hadn’t even really thought about it. You didn’t usually have to think that far ahead. Sam must’ve seen the realization hit you because you felt her arms wrap around your shoulder and pull you down into a hug as you felt the tears well up in your eyes.

“This isn’t fair,” you frowned.

Your home was one of the things you were most proud of, having bought and paid for it yourself your first year of working for the label. You weren’t ready to give it up and move so far away and that was a huge ask of Eddie. He had an entire child waiting on him to get back to in Indiana, he had friends and family, too.

“I know,” Sam said softly as she stroked your hair, “We can’t chose who we fall in love with.”

Your emotions had been a roller coaster, and paired with the weight of the emotions from the past two days, you were starting to feel like you were drowning. Sam held you as you sobbed into her chest, muffling the sound of your cries. You clutched to her tightly, wanting everything to just stop for even a few minutes.

When you sat back up, you were red faced and wet cheeks as she wiped your tears away. Her fingers tucked wet pieces of hair behind your ears as she swallowed her own emotions.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” you repeated your words from earlier, “It’s just...a lot right now.”

“I know. I’m just trying to make sure you’re looking out for you, ya know?” She whispered softly, “You’re important to me.”

“I know,” you whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she gave you a small smile, “If it’s a girl, name her after me….you have to. It’s best friend law.”

You laughed and shook your head as you stood up from the couch and grabbed a bottle of water as you looked over at her, “If...if this doesn’t work out with him, and I am pregnant...will you please help me raise it?”

She held her pinkie out and gave you a honest smile when you hooked your little finger with hers, “I pinkie promise the little bastard will have the coolest best friend dad in the world.”

You laughed and slapped her hand away before you made your way back into the room where Eddie was still asleep. Crawling into bed, you laid down facing Eddie. He felt the bed dip and his arm instinctively wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him as your legs tangled with his.

“You okay?” He asked again, making you laugh softly. He was still very much asleep.

It gave you a minute to really study him, your fingers ghosting over his smooth cheekbones and down to his lips, your thumb tracing the outline of his mouth, before you leaned forward and kissed him. He wasn’t as asleep as you thought, feeling his hand flat against your back as he pulled you in closer and kissed you back.

“I want you to meet Maddie tomorrow,” he whispered softly, “If you’re up for it.”

“Yeah?” You gave him a smile as you nuzzled your nose against his, “I’d love to...i just don’t want to be around Stacy.”

“I doubt she’ll be there.” He snorted, “Don’t gotta worry about that.”

He kissed you again, this time his tongue flicking against your lips for entrance. Your tongue brushed against his as he pulled your leg up over his hips, nudging his knee in between your thighs, right up against your heated core.

“Just wanna be inside of you,” he mumbled against your kiss, “Need to feel you.”

“Yes, please.” You whispered, clutching to his bicep as you felt the need for him grow in the pit of your stomach.

His fingers dipped into your panties, stroking through your slit, thumb rubbing lazy circles over your clit as his mouth devoured yours. It didn’t take long, the pool of wetness being spread by his prying fingers. Your nose bumped against his as you arched into him, a soft needy whine escaping your lips as you felt his fingers leave you.

It was replaced soon by the tip of his cock, just outside your entrance as he looked over your face in the dark room. You nodded slightly, fingers threading into the curls at the base of his neck as he guided himself inside of you. Trying to be quiet to not disturb Sam, you pressed your face into his neck, your arms clinging to him as he filled you entirely.

He nuzzled his nose against your hair, breathing you in, giving himself a moment just to feel you. His hands trailed up under the baggy shirt you were wearing, pinching and massaging all at the same time.

“You feel so fucking good,” he mumbled as his warm hands traveled up to your chest.

Being touched on and loved by him feltgood. It was the way he stroked your body, skilled calloused fingers scratchy against your soft skin.

You gently pushed him on his back, keeping him inside of you as you straddled his lap. His fingers dug in your thighs as you slowly rocked yourself on him, your hands resting on his chest for leverage. His eyes were glued to your cunt, watching as he speared yourself down around his cock. His fingers splayed across your thighs, large enough to keep them where they were and pressed his thumb against your clit, hearing your soft moans as you ground yourself down against him, the patch of public hair tickling your sensitive skin in all the right ways.

“Eddie,” it was a soft whimper, but loud enough for him to hear it.

He brought his knees up, knocking you forward a bit, as he started thrusting up inside of you, his cock hitting that needy spot as you buried your face in his neck, mind too gone to do anything else other than snake your hand between your bodies and rub your clit the same pace he was doing earlier.

His thrusts got deeper the harder he panted, breathing quickening as he felt you start to pulse around him. He nuzzled into your hair, cradling your head to his chest as he fucked you through your orgasm, and then chased his own, the two of you reduced to a sweaty, panting lump of bodies.

You stayed there with him buried inside of you still, his arms clinging to you tightly, and all you could think about was the happiness that bounced around inside of you. He made you so unbelievably happy. You didn’t get a lot of alone moments with him, but in the times that you did get to share alone, you felt yourself slipping further and further into his grasp, falling into him, no matter how high your walls were stacked. He always broke them down.

The next morning, the RV’s brakes woke you up. You stretched your sore body out on the bed, feeling behind you for Eddie and finding a cold bed. And then you smelled the coffee brewing and heard the soft chattering in the front of the RV and smiled to yourself. They were getting along by the sounds of it, which was a good thing. Sam was an important part of your life.

“Has she told you about the fact that she was in a band?” You heard Sam’s laugh.

“Y/N? No way,” Eddie laughed in disbelief, “Are you serious?”

“We both were!” Sam nodded, “Grunge band that never made it out of a garage, but we gave it our all for about three months.”

“She told me she loved music but she never told me she played,” Eddie shrugged.

“I played lead guitar,” you said as you emerged from the back room, causing them both to jump, embarrassment tinging their faces at the fact that they had been caught talking about you, “And sang.”

“A woman after my own heart then, hm?” He smirked as he stood up and walked over to you, kissing the top of your head as you poured your cup of coffee, “Can I hear you sometime?”

“There’s a reason why we never made it out of the garage, Eddie.” You laughed, “The reason was me.”

“I don’t believe that.” He shook his head.

“What else did she tell you about?” You playfully glared past his shoulder at Sam who just shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

“All good things,” he gave you a small smile.

“What’s on the agenda for today?” You said as you walked over and sat down at your big three ringed binder. His hand slid over your waist as you walked past him, fingers gently digging into your skin to try and keep you close but not completely clingy enough to stop you.

“I’d like for you to go with me to see my kid and meet my uncle,” he said sheepishly, “Let them know I’m not a complete loser and that I can pull a gorgeous girlfriend.”

You looked up at him a bit dumbfounded that went unnoticed by him as he turned around to walk back into the back room. You heard the bed dip and could see from the shadow that he was putting his shoes on.

“Did you hear that?” You asked softly as you turned to face Sam.

“Hear what?”

“He called me his girlfriend,” you blinked a few times.

“Well...aren’t you?” Sam looked at you from over her coffee mug.

“He’s never asked me,” you shrugged.

----

Being in the bands hometown meant being able to get rid of the buses for a few days. You, Eddie, and Sam had decided on staying at his own apartment while the rest of the guys went to their respective homes. You would be meeting up later at the Hideout for their show. You lugged your small bag of clothes and hygiene products up the steps behind Eddie, who quickly unlocked the door and let the two women walk in first.

“This place is a dump, just to warn you. But there’s hot water and comfortable beds, so...can’t go too wrong, yeah?” Eddie snorted as he kicked the door closed behind him. You dropped your bag down on the floor, watching as he walked over and turned the window unit air conditioner on. The walls were bare except for a few tapestries, the couches didn’t match, and there was a single small TV adorning one corner. However, beside of the small television, there was a rack of guitars and amps that spanned the rest of the wall. Above them was a huge collection of albums and tapes, a record player perched on top of the biggest amp. He was a musician through and through.

“It’s fine,” you gave him a small smile, “Sam and I have stayed in dodgy hotels for most of my career….at least we’re safe here.”

“Safe as you’ll ever be,” he snorted, “While in Hawkins, at least.”

He walked to the small hallway and pointed down to the left, “Sam, the spare bedroom is in there. I think my old roommate’s shit is still pretty much in there for the most part, but it’s clean and you should be able to rest easily in there.”

“Who was this old roommate?” Sam looked over at him, “Clean?”

“It’s clean,” he laughed and nodded, “Old roomie was Gareth before he bought his place with his girlfriend.”

“Okay,” she sighed in relief. She knew Gareth, he was clean. Thank god.

“And down here,” he said as he threaded his fingers through yours and pulled you down the rest of the short hallway, “Is my room.”

He pushed the door open and your eyes widened slightly. You expected messy and unorganized, but it was clean. The bed was made, black comforters laid neatly against the mattress that was situated in the corner of the room. You watched as he flopped face first down onto his bed, a soft content groan leaving his mouth as he melted into his own bed for the first time in a week.

“I’ve missed this bed,” he mumbled, looking up at you as you moved to lay beside of him.

His room smelt like him, it was like being completely surrounded. You moved to press your nose against his hair, breathing him in as he pulled you even closer into him, his arm draping over your waist as he pressed his face to your chest.

“You called me your girlfriend earlier,” you mumbled softly, fingers tracing the sharp edge of his jaw. You felt him tense below you.

“Was I not supposed to?” He asked quietly, as if he was worried he had done something wrong.

“I mean, we hadn’t really talked about it.” You shrugged, “I liked it...it felt good.”

“Are you my girlfriend?” His voice was muffled by your chest.

“I think the correct way is will you be my girlfriend?” You smirked.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” His voice was even more muffled and you looked down, seeing the slight red tint to his cheeks.

“Are you blushing?”

“Shut up and answer my question,” he groaned, which turned into a laugh as you looked down at him.

“I mean...I guess I love you.” You laughed softly, “Maybe we done this a bit backwards, hm?”

“Couldn’t help it,” he snorted.

“Yeah, I just knew when you damn near knocked me out with that door, I was doomed.” You laughed, hearing his own laughter bubble from his chest, “To answer your question, yes.”

“Really?” He asked, finally lifting his face to look up at you.

“Why not?” You shrugged sheepishly, “You’re pretty cute and I might be knocked up by you, so…i figured I should give you a chance.”

“I think you’re pretty cute too,” he smirked as he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to your lips.

You laid there for a few minutes, pulled flush against him, fingers gently rubbing at his scalp as he looked up at you, brown eyes warm and inviting. He seemed to have a perplexed look on his face, as if he was hesitant to bring up whatever was on his mind.

“What’s going on in here?” You asked, moving to tap the center of his forehead.

His fingers curled around the fleshiest part of your thigh as you draped your leg over his hip, pulling you closer to him as he laid in front of you.

“I felt like I put you on the spot earlier, telling you I wanted you to meet Mads.” He chewed on his bottom lip, “You don’t have to...i understand if you’re not ready for that, yet...but I want to share everything I can with you...i’d like for her to start being a bigger part of my life. Before I left for tour, I didn’t have her with me constantly, but I was trying more than I had before, ya know, and I just---”

“I want to meet her,” you said as you threaded your fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, “I know she’s tiny and she won’t understand who I am, but...i’d love to meet your daughter.”

“Yeah? You don’t feel like I’m pressuring you?”

“Absolutely not,” you shook your head, “This is your home time. If you want just the two of you to go off for a bit, I can entertain Sam and myself. I’m not going to keep you from your family time.”

“What if I want you included in my family time?” He asked softly, moving to stare at you completely.

His question took you back a little bit and you felt the tears well up. Stupid emotions. You pushed his bangs off of his forehead as you bent down and kissed his lips fully, trying to will the tears away but they slipped down your face, wetting his cheeks in their journey. His fingers slid behind your ear as he kissed you back but stopped once he felt your tears.

“Why are you crying?” He pulled back a bit, fingers ghosting over your earlobe.

“It’s just nice to feel wanted,” you shrugged, “Haven’t had that in awhile, Eds.”

“I love you,” he nuzzled his nose against yours, “I’m always going to want you.”

After a few more shared soft minutes, fingers tracing and touching over your clothes, you got up and took a hot shower, staying in a few minutes too long. The hot stinging water felt amazing against your taunt muscles. Your thighs were still a bit sore from their overuse from the previous night and as your fingers drug the rag over your body, cleaning away any traces of dirt, you realized just how sore you were.

In the comforting warmth of the hot shower, you done something you hadn’t allowed yourself to do prior. You moved your hands up over your stomach, right over your navel. If you were pregnant, you were too early to notice any changes to your body, but there was a part deep down inside of you that just knew your suspicions were correct. No matter how scary it was.

---

Forest Hills Trailer park was a quiet little park out past the major train tracks that ran through town. Eddie drove you there with ease, obviously knowing the roads like the back of his hands. The back of his hand that rested on your thigh the entire way there. You were holding the bag of things he had bought for Madison out on the road. Small stuffed animals, shirts, different toys. He said something about finally being able to afford to spoil his girl when he handed you the bag, a sheepish smile on his face. You felt the pride that radiated off of him. He could afford a few simple toys now for his daughter...the smile was infectious.

“She’s going to be a little shy at first probably,” Eddie gave you a reassuring smile when he parked the car and looked over at you, “She warms up fast, though.”

The door to the trailer opened once you and Eddie were walking towards the trailer and Wayne walked out, a small toddler holding onto his finger as she stepped down off of the small ledge by herself. She was sporting two pig tails and there was a pacy in her mouth as her sneaker clad feet thumped over the wooden porch.

She made a beeline for Eddie, her brown curls bouncing as she walked as fast as she could, arms swinging with each step. You watched as Eddie squatted down and scooped her up in his arms, causing her to squeal in delight.

“Who is that, Mads?” The man, who you realized must’ve been Wayne, asked as he laughed.

“Daddy!” She grinned up at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

“Hi, stink.” Eddie’s smile was one that took your breath away. He lit up around her, as she did the same. They looked nearly identical. Same nose, same pouty pink lips, and the same big brown doe eyes. She was just a tiny version of Eddie. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and whispered,“I missed you.”

Wayne walked a bit closer, pulling his nephew into a side hug before he turned to you and held out a hand.

“I’m Wayne,” he said as he nudged Eddie in the ribs, “Sorry, I raised him better than to not introduce the pretty women.”

“Sorry,” Eddie said sheepishly, “This is Y/N, my girlfriend. Y/N, this is Wayne, and this little stinker is Madison.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Munson.” You said as you shook his hand.

“Just call me Wayne,” he gave you a small polite smile.

“I’ve gotta run down to the corner store,” Wayne said as he looked between the two of you, “You okay with her?”

“Yeah, I’ve got her.” Eddie gave him a small smile, fingers tickling her sides as she squealed, “Take your time.”

You watched as Eddie sat down on the side of the porch with Madison in his lap and you flopped down beside. You could feel her curious eyes on you as you sat down, knowing she was wondering who you were. It must’ve been confusing seeing another woman with her dad. Wayne was gone a few minutes later and you pulled the bags of toys into your lap, hoping that just for a split second that she would warm up to you if she saw you brought offerings.

“Hi, Madison.” You gave her a small smile, which caused her to bashfully duck her head into Eddie’s chest. She silently waved at you with her small chubby hand before she tucked her hand between her body and Eddie’s chest sheepishly, “Are you being shy?”

“You can talk to her, silly.” Eddie said as he tickled her side, “You know how to talk.”

She pressed her face further into his neck with a small “mph!” to hide. You looked over at Eddie and gave him a small nervous smile as to ask ‘Please help me here,’ and then you got an idea.

“Look what I’ve got,” you said as you dug into the bag and pulled out a small pink teddy bear. You had slipped it in the bag before you left. Eddie wasn’t the only one who could supply the presents, “Daddy said you liked teddy bears and every princess likes the color pink, hm?”

The two key words got her attention and she turned her head a bit to look at you with one eye. Her small hand reached out for the bear, pulling it to her chest with a quickness that was unmatched by anything you had seen before.

“What do you say?” Eddie asked as he bounced her on his knee, “Can you tell her thank you?”

“Tanks,” she said with a lopsided smile that matched Eddies.

“She is your mini me,” You laughed softly as you shook your head in disbelief at just how much they resembled each other.

“Don’t curse the child like that,” Eddie laughed.

You sat and watched them, seeing the wanton look that came over his face whenever she smiled up at him. He gave her the rest of the contents of the bag and the two of them played for a bit. You had taken to just being quiet, watching them run around the yard, smiling behind your hand at Eddie who was resting on his knees, a pink tiara sat atop his head. You could see the love in his eyes as he watched her run around, playing through the bubbles that was being blown by Eddie.

“Here,” Madison said, drawing you out of your thoughts as she walked over to you and held her hand out, “You come play?”

“You want me to play with you and daddy?” You asked, taking her tiny hand in yours.

“Yes, please.” Big brown eyes stared up at you behind the biggest toothy grin, a small giggle coming out as she watched you stand up.

She guided you by the hand over to sit next to Eddie, giving you another sheepish grin as she slyly handed you the second bottle of bubbles with a look that said “Please?”

“Welcome to the next hour of your life,” Eddie laughed softly as he dipped his wand back into the liquid.

And so you sat there, for the next hour, blowing bubble after bubble through the plastic green wand, the laughter of the tiny child infecting the both of you. She was a blitz of energy, bouncing between you and Eddie for most of it, before she got tired and to your surprise, climbed up into your lap to catch her breath.

“She’s probably going to fall asleep,” Eddie smirked as he handed you her sippy cup, “You can take her inside if you want while I clean up the toys?”

He helped you stand up, and you felt her cling to you a bit tighter when you lifted her up with yourself. You could tell she was getting sleepy by the way her eyes started to slip closed, even though she was trying to fight it – afraid she would miss whatever was happening.

You made the journey into the trailer, the slated door slamming shut behind you and you jumped slightly. Eddie didn’t get his interior design skills from his uncle, that was for sure. Coffee mugs and hats lined the walls of the trailer, but everywhere in child height was pink. It was like the trailer was split in half horizontally. Pink toys scattered over the carpet, a pink blanket draped over the chair. He wasn’t lying when he said she loved the color pink.

Eddie walked back in a few minutes later, finding the two of you swaying slightly in the living room. She was still clutching her sippy cup in her hand, but her eyes were closed and she was fast asleep.

He took a few seconds to just watch the two of you, seeing her draped over your chest, cheek pressed tight against your shoulder. You hadn’t noticed him standing in the door way as you looked at the few photo frames that hung on the wall. He took in the way you slowly rubbed your hand over her back, soothing her while she slept. It felt natural to see you like this, as if it was in your nature. The door shut, getting your attention as you turned to face him with a small smile. A smile that warmed his heart.

“Here, let me go put her down.” Eddie said, gently peeling the sleeping girl off of your shoulder. She stirred a bit, wondering what was happening, but when he seen it was Eddie, she was back fast asleep.

He carried her down to the end of the hallway, and you found yourself following along. You watched as he bent down and placed in her her crib, softly shushing her as she started to whine, a firm hand on her stomach until she calmed back down and went back to sleep. You watched as he lightly stroked her still red cheek with the back of his hand, making sure she was asleep before he stood up straight and turned around, smiling once he seen you standing there watching him.

He left the door cracked just a bit as he followed you back into the living room, a soft sigh leaving his mouth as he sat down on the couch, pulling you down with him.

“She’s going to be out for a few,” he nodded, “Kid plays hard.”

“Just like you,” you laughed softly, “Queen Eddie.”

His hand reached up as if he suddenly remembered there was a tiara sitting on his head and he laughed at himself.

“Pinks your color,” you smirked, watching as he tossed it to the other couch and then rested back against the cushion, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “It just sucks knowing I have to leave her again. She warms up to me and then when I’m gone for even longer, it takes her a bit to remember me when I come back.”

“She didn’t forget you by the looks of this morning,” You grinned, “She bolted straight to you.”

“Like fire,” he laughed.

“Exactly,” you laughed, “She’s gorgeous. You created a perfect replica of you, you know that?”

His fingers rubbed up and down your arms as he looked over at you, a small smile on his face.

“I know you were a bit worried about meeting her. I could see you were anxious.” He smirked, “But you handled it perfectly. She warmed up to you faster than she has anyone ever before. Even me sometimes.”

“Did Wayne leave because I’m here?”

“No,” he laughed softly, “I think he uses it as an excuse to give me and Mads some alone time. He runs to the corner store each time I’m here...for hours at a time. It’s nice to just be able to see her. I’ve told him he doesn’t have to leave, I can take her to the park or something, but...i don’t know. He’s a strange man sometimes.”

You leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, cupping his jaw in your hands as you felt his arms snake around your waist. Soft, tender kisses shared for a few quiet minutes before you sat up a bit and looked around.

“Those photos...are they you as a kid?” You nodded up to the wall.

He followed your train of sight and visibly cringed at the photo you were pointing to. He was a kid, a little bit older than Madison was now, sitting on the exact same couch the two of you were now. He had his moms guitar in his lap and you could barely see him over the top of it, but his smile was wide.

“I told him to get rid of that fuckin’ photo,” Eddie groaned, “Yeah...that’s me in all my nappy headed child ways.”

“You were adorable,” you laughed softly, “Oh my god, you even started off a musician, didn’t you?”

“Were? He feigned hurt, “How dare you.”

“You’re still adorable, but I would dare to call you handsome now.” You gave him a small smile as you looked up at him, “Maybe even sexy.”

“Maybe?” He laughed, “Okay, well you’ve definitely struck a nerve now.”

“Oh yeah?” You smirked, “What are you going to do about it?”

“Just wait until I we get home tonight,” he grinned, his tongue tucked into the corner of his mouth as he playfully poked his finger into your sides.

“Is she coming to the concert tonight?” You laughed, pushing his hands away.

“I couldn’t get any extra tickets, they were all sold out.” He said, biting back his frown. You could tell he wanted them there, this was the first time they ever sold out The Hideout, “Plus, I know the music will be too loud for her probably.”

“There’s always a way around that and there’s headphones she can wear. I keep a pair with me backstage.” You shrugged, “Do you want them there?”

“She’s never seen me play,” he gave you a slight shrug, “Not on a stage at least...it’d be cool for her to witness it, I think.”

----

It was an hour until show time as you went over your check list twice, making sure everything was set. The band had been in the RV since sound check earlier and you going over your last bit of check list when the door to the venue opened and you turned to see Wayne walking in and a bundle of pink of purple attached to his hip. She perked up this time when she seen you instead of shying away and she wiggled free of his grasp, making a beeline for you.

“Hi, Madison!” You said cheerfully as you slotted your hands under her arms and lifted her up, “You look so pretty!”

“Tanks,” she said again, as if she knew she was the cream of the crop. You loved her confidence, “Where daddy?”

“Daddy is out on the bus getting ready to play tonight.” You said, fixing her tiara, “Do you want to go see him?”

“Yes, please.” She gave you a smile as she clapped her hands together.

“You gotta yell at these men that there’s a princess coming through,” you said, dodging a few of the crew as they carried the heavy light rig through the slightly crowded space.

“Hey, watch out. There’s a princess here!” She shouted at them, causing everyone around her to laugh.

“I am so sorry, your majesty.” One of them called, “I’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

When you got to the tour bus, you thought for a moment before you just decided to open the door and go for it. When you finished climbing the stairs, you felt your heart sink to your stomach. You watched as three of the four guys passed a rolled up funnel between the three of them and were huddled over the small tray that you had come to be able to identify in a split second. It was the same one you seen Eddie snorting from the night of the hotel party.

Thankfully, you were able to whip around before Madison saw anything to really question it. You handed her to Wayne and asked him to wait right there. None of them had realized you were even on the bus, too enamored with the white powder that had been chopped into fine lines already for them.

Without thinking, and without caring, you walked straight to the middle of their huddle and smacked the tray out of their hands.

“Hey!”

“What the FUCK, Y/N?”

“No, all three of you shut the fuck up.” You said sternly as you pointed a finger in their faces, “Listen to me. I’m responsible for the four of you for the rest of this goddamned tour and the sanctification of the people who have paid to see you. Now I don’t give a flying fuck what you do after the show, but an hour before show time, I do not EVER want to see you fucking using again. Do you three understand me? I had Madison with me, she almost saw what the fuck you three dumb asses were up to.”

Three. Three. There was only three of them. Gareth, Jeff, and Freak. Where was Eddie?

The back door opened and Eddie walked out as he slid his shirt over his head, looking down into the front sitting area as you chewed the three of them out. He wasn’t sure what had happened, but as he made his way closer, you were on the tell end of your speech.

He stepped into the room as they were starting to argue back with you and tried to get a grasp on what was happening as he looked around in disbelief at the way they were acting.

“You fuckin’ owe me $250, you dumb bitch!” Gareth said as he stood straight up and got in your face, pushing your pointing finger away.

“Hey!” Eddie shouted, gripping the back of his shirt and jerking him back down, “Don’t you fucking talk to her like that. What’s going on?”

“I don’t owe you shit, asshole!” You shouted as you glared at him, “Talk to me like that again. I fucking dare you.”

“Hey, hey!” Eddie said, moving to stand between the two of you, “What the fuck is going on?”

“I was bring Madison on board to see you and I walk in and these three idiots are snorting up,” you said as you looked between the three of them, “An hour before show time.”

“Jesus,” Eddie sighed as he looked around at the three of them, “Where is she? Did she see anything?”

“No,” you sighed, “Her and Wayne are outside waiting. Where were you?”

“I was in the back getting dressed,” he frowned.

You stopped him in his tracks and stared deep into his eyes, seeing his pupils regular sized. His nose was clean, there was no sniffling.

“I swear, I’m not on anything.” He said, sincerity set deep in his brown eyes, “I didn’t even know they were using.”

Eddie grabbed his coat and slid it on his arms as you turned back to the guys, seeing their three pissed faces. Good. They deserved to be pissed off for pulling this stunt.

“Clean this shit up and get ready to go on.” You said as you looked between the three of them.

“Fuck you, I don’t have to listen to you.” Gareth spat at you, disgust evident in his face.

“Gareth, I’m going to give you one more fucking chance to stop talking to her like that.” Eddie said loudly, nostrils flared as he stared his best friend down.

The glare down between the two men was intense, neither of them moved an inch for a few seconds, locked in a heated gaze that screamed in the silent tense filled bus. You managed to push him down the steps and outside to his daughter who squealed in delight when she seen him.

---

You kept Wayne and Madison backstage with you. It was a small venue, but the backstage seating arrangement gave you a side stage seat. Madison had her noise canceling ear muffs on as she danced to the opening act. Luckily, she was in her own world as she danced her awkward baby dance, arms tucked out at her side looking as she had wings as she bounced herself up and down.

Things were still heated between Eddie and Gareth and the tension was still thick, but Eddie shrugged it off as best as he could as he played with Madison when she gave the dancing a break. He tossed her up in the air, her pink dress a stark contrast to the band t-shirt and the ripped jeans her dad was wearing.

The band had finished their set and Corroded Coffin was to take the stage next. Gareth walked past them as the other three huddled up and gave you a death stare as he walked straight out onto the stage. You wouldn’t falter – you knew to stand your ground. He was just an addict in pain. He’d get over it eventually.

“You going to watch daddy play, huh?” Eddie asked as he picked Madison up and balanced her on his hip, “For the first time.”

“Yeah!” She laughed.

“Going to be my good luck charm, hm?” He asked as he fixed the pink tiara back on her head correctly.

“Yep,” she matched the grin on his face and you swore you melted as you watched them both move to kiss each others cheeks.

He handed her back to you, giving you a soft kiss on the lips, and then patted Wayne on his shoulder. You moved Madison’s earphones back onto her ears as the lights dimmed and the sound of a guitar filled the small venue. She sat in your lap the entire time, completely enthralled in watching as Eddie played.

Metal music was hard to dance to but as she stood up in front of you, she made the most of it, flailing her arms and mimicking her dad as he head banged out on the stage to the beat of the music.

When Eddie looked over at you as he took a sip of his beer, he felt his heart beat a bit faster. He stole plenty of looks throughout the usual performances, but this one hit a lot harder. Jeff was leading the band into their second song and you scooped Madison up, swaying back and forth to the beat of the drums as they kicked in, and for the first time since the day Madison was born, he felt a happiness so deep inside of his body that he felt as if he was going to burst. ------ A/N: Do you guys like the longer chapters like this or the shorter chapters? Let me know!

#Eddie Munson #Eddie Munson x you #Eddie Munson x reader #Rockstar!Eddie Munson #Eddie Munson fanfic #Eddie Munson AU #Stranger Things #Stranger Things AU #thefreakymunson #Anywhere But Here

158 notes · View notes

racfoam · 10 months

Note

F PLEASE FOR NYNN PLEASEEEE

It’s really tough to pick my favourite quote... I have lots but those would be spoilers so I'll just quote some that stand out for me

nynn chapter 2

“Look how I marked you.” -Voldemort to Harry

- This shit gave me chills, I'm the proudest for the graveyard because it was the first first FIRST time I even wrote for the HP Fandom, wrote the characters. I am so PROUD of myself. That was my ever first chapter for HP overall to write and I'm so proud how it turned out. I was really proud of how I wrote Voldemort, it was scary how easy the words flowed for him and his dialogue. There were a lot of built-up ideas since 2018 after 'she walks in beauty' so I think that is also the reason. I actually wrote the graveyard somewhere in 2019 I think.

nynn chapter 4

“You can’t help him, Harry. He’s gone. It’s over. Let go.”

I was bawling like a baby after writing this sentence.

“...brought him home... Cedric told me... bring him home... to his parents...”

“I couldn’t leave him…!” Harry cried helplessly, holding onto Cedric protectively, [...] “Not there!”

This was completely inspired by the movie, it’s the most heartwrenching scene in the series.

“That’s right, Harry…” said Dumbledore softly. “You brought him home, you did well... Let go of him now, you wonderful girl....”

- yep, proud of this one, too. It's a reflection of the “Harry, you wonderful boy...” I think bcs it shows how Dumbledore sees how much Harry cares for people and that's why he says Harry is wonderful. Not everyone has such a heart as Harry’s.

nynn, chapter 6

“I don’t want to! I don’t want to understand, I don’t want to accept! It will break me! It will kill me!” - Harry

- I'm proud of this one because it tells a broader story. The mere idea of accepting Voldemort is back is terrible to Harry. The graveyard becomes the most traumatising moment of Harry's life — as Harry doesn't remember in detail the 1981 Halloween — and this event becomes what Harry can't stop thinking about. Harry is afraid of facing this new reality, she’s just a 14-year-old kid. A brave 14-year-old kid, but still a kid.

The frustration built up in her, released in the next words. “It’s my fault, Sirius. I told Cedric, I told Cedric to take the cup with me…Cedric wouldn’t have… died… if I wasn’t all noble! If I just… was faster, smarter, Cedric wouldn’t have… and Voldemort wouldn’t have come back!”

I like this one because it shows survivor’s guilt. I think there is a lot of psychological aspects never expanded on properly regarding Harry’s encounters with Voldemort and how it affects Harry, and I like delving into them.

nynn 4th year nightmare scene

I want to go home, I want to go home, Harry thought desperately, wishing she could move, run for the cup, get Cedric, hold Cedric’s hand again.

“You want to go home?” asked Voldemort sibilantly, speaking it slowly, softly. Let his voice carry into her ears. Groaning frightfully, Harry grabbed onto her ears, not wanting to hear his voice anymore. Clenched her eyes, not wanting to see his eyes anymore.

He smiled, but it was cold and cruel. “I am your home.”

- This is Harry’s subconscious showing Harry something deeper. Especially the last line. At least, I hope it came out that way. Very proud of this.

“They died on their feet! They died opposing you!”

And so will I and so will I and so will I and so will I —

“Do you yearn to do the same, Harriet? Are you going to rebel against what magic has chosen to happen?”

“I’ll take you with me!” swore Harry. “I’ll drag you to your worst fear with me!”

- The last line of this is sth that just gave me chills. It's so brave. Harry is willing to die with Voldemort if it means defeating him. I just really like the “I’ll drag you to your worst fear with me!” holy shit that was brilliant, and really impactful. I am VERY proud of that.

Also, the scene where McGonagall hugs Harry and later McGonagall’s speech to Harry is also one of my favourites.

nynn 5th Year

“Don’t ever say that bastard’s name again!” yelled Harry angrily, voice turning low and dangerous, a growl. Her heart raced in her chest, its rhythm kick-started with fury. “Don’t ever say Tom again, or I’ll turn you into a pocket watch.”

- Mostly proud of this bcs of how feral Harry can become when pissed off. There is sth to be said about her hating saying both Voldemort and Tom, spitting both names with venom. Also, Harry threatening to turn Dudley into a pocket watch was badass.

“You're outside, you’re outside,” said Voldemort, exultant and excited, sounding as if he couldn’t contain his joy...

- Yeah, this was fucking terrifying, I love it. 😊 The horror two words can become...

“Nothing much, just taking a summer stroll. I totally planned to sit on my knees.” said Harry,

“You know, the usual quiet day for me," said Harry gracefully. “One can never have too many quiet days.”

Voldemort spoke, soft as a whisper. “Indeed...”

“Who knows, by midnight I might get attacked by a dragon.” Hit by a sudden inspiration, Harry added hopefully, tired beyond description. “Actually, can I take the dragon now? Can you come to kidnap me later?”

Voldemort smiled.

- This shit was great to write, I love the little bit of banter between them, Harry's sarcastic "oh you know, taking a stroll, enjoying my quiet day" Harry wanting to take on a dragon rather than Voldemort and it is all rather funny if you take away the tension 🤣🤣

nynn chapter 17

A cold, warm breath puffed at the back of her nape.

“Until next time,” Voldemort drawled out the syllables of her name with ardent slowness, as if he were mapping whispering kisses over her skin. “Har-ry.”

- I know everyone lost their minds at the description of this, and I am very proud of this.

nynn chapter 3

“Step aside! I will have her! She is mine!”

“Piss off, you mad bastard!”

- Finishing off with the iconic reply, this one is another favourite of mine. Whenever I think of nynn, this is one of the quotes that stayed in my mind.

There are many more quotes, and I probably missed a lot of them, but here they are! Thank you for the ask and sorry it took me a while to answer this one.

Sending love 💖

#fic game

28 notes · View notes

thatkdpoh · 5 months

Text

Introduction i think?

Ok so I’ve been like really excited to do this I don’t know why but this is I think controversy? I don’t know how controversy works but this is how it happened.

I am 12 yrs old, My height is 5,1 and holy shit wanna kms but I am 130 pounds. This will flucate and idk how to spell it but it’s like a line with a dot in the front or end and it goes left to right so I flucate to 130 to 140 I hate that.

How I know about ED/Backstory/rant (cringy ik sorry :c :

I was always a fat kid and I’ve hated it, I understand that I didn’t care about my weight but when I was like what 8 to 9 whenever my dad would say cow to me in taqvaylit I don’t know how to write it but I know something’s like amcic or tizizwith or afkroune which is cat, bee and turtle in that order. I would feel self conscious and sometimes cry to because I’m very sensitive which is like cringy i know lol. My heaviest had to been this year like 140 pounds but I think it was water weight and shit. Anyways my mom tried to get me to fast and she would force me or smth maybe not force but like tried to get me to lose weight. She’d say it directly and it would always make me feel bad but like I understand being 130 for like 8 yrs or 9 to 12 is very heavy and embarrassing considering I always saw kids would be more skinner than me I’d feel very bad. Until recently like last year in 6th grade I was reading fanfics of a human au of TMNT i didnt know what ED’s were so when it showed up the word bulimia I thought it meant bullshit but it didn’t sound right so I searched it up and saw the symptoms that’s when I also learned about anorexia and pica etc. When I saw the symptoms I started copying them now this is the part that I think is controversy I copied the symptoms which I know was bad but I was fucking lazy and still am couldn’t do a workout for the life of me or restrict food, I was used to eating a lot and when I saw the symptoms I copied them and they worked!! I loved it and then the minute I knew how to starve myself, I actually don’t know how to continue with that but I didn’t know how much of a deeper hole I got into but I really loved it and still do EMBARRASING. I did do exercise I did like 100 sit ups a day which did nothing but it did make my body ache and stopped, 5th grade was the worst out of all my grades for now but 6th might be second but it wasn’t that bad just a lot of crying and seeing how fat I am made me cry that’s it. Now if I don’t starve at all or try too I would feel like shit. In 6th grade I also saw that purging was a symptom so I made myself throw up but only if I ate way to fucking much and I’m so bloated it hurts and I can’t take the pressure so I throw up just to take off a little pressure and go back but then I’d feel sick which sucked :C. When Ramandan came though I was A BEAST not an actual beast but like it was my oppertuinity to fast without anyone questioning because I live in a studio apartment with 5 other people that are my family >_<. Obviously with my blabber mouth which I hate told everything to my mom but I think she thinks that I’m ok now :D. Any way I’d only eat 5 tablespoons of soup every night and I was very tired and I lost 6 pounds!! Which isn’t a lot but I made it to 124 pounds!! But then I gained it all back in summer break, cried, tried to fast for 3 days but fainted on the 36 hour?? I’m not sure because when I stopped the fast because my mom told me to eat and spoiler alert I cried cause I have little bitchitas if u know Kubz scouts u know. I paused at the 38 hour so like 36 is my highest to fast which is embarrassing again. ANYWAY NOW IM IN 7TH GRADE STUGGLIJG EITH THIS THINGY :]] I sound like those I guess I deserve it heh thing but like no I’m not seriously I just wanted to be silly. Anyway I’m gonna try that ABC diet which I think seems kind of mid to hard but I think fitnesspal would help me with it <33

BYE EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT DAY OR NIGHT HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING SND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! :33

#i need to lose so much weight #thinner is better #@na tips #@tw edd #ed bullshit #th1nsp1ration #thigh g4p #tw ed but not sheeran #@na vent #4ana #proana.#pro a4a #ana dairy #ana rant #tw ana diary #tw ana trigger

9 notes · View notes

autisticempathydaemon · 7 months

Note

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

‘You’re Gonna Go Far’ by Noah Kahan, I know these songs are kinda trending rn or at least they are on my fyp lmao. But I absolutely am obsessed with this song. So many of the lyrics are superrr relatable to me but I really love the lyric, “You’re the greatest thing we’ve lost” isbwieneo it’s so personal to me fr fr.

What is your Enneagram type?

9w1 :)

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

ok, ok, so. my imaginary friend was a girl with red hair. She was a little shorter than I was and I can’t remember if I had a name for her or not. She’d always match what I was wearing and we would play with my Polly Pockets all the timeee. Since I have a sibling I would more so play with them but my imaginary friend came to visit sometimes. She was really sweet. More outspoken than I was…if an imaginary friend can be outspoken.. She definitely had more confidence than I did.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

I’d change my name to Drew, I just feel like my name is so basic. My dad always said if my parents had a boy they would’ve named him Andrew. And while i’m comfy with my gender I’d still love to change my name. It seems easier to change it to something that my parents already kinda considered.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

While I love all of them. I think my favorite is ‘Comforted by an Arrogant Incubus’ it was the first audio of Erik’s that made me feel safe. I think it was the first audio I cried too tbh. I just love it so much. I also feel like my mutuals will be shocked that I didn’t pick a different audio.

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

…I love him so much, and i’m saying this because i’m like him. And it scares me how alike we are sometimes. But Guy… I LOVE GUY!! Please don’t get me wrong. I just don’t understand the hype. I’m also a lot like him so that might be the reason…I don’t think i’m all that so maybe my feelings towards myself translate to him. But do I listen to everyone of his audios? Yes. Do I enjoy them? Also yes.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ I KNOW EVERY WORD!!! Every single one. I had a marvel obsession and let me tell ya. You turn on that movie and no one will see me blink for the full duration of the movie. I won’t move from my seat. This movie has a chokehold on me fr fr

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

I really had to think about this one. Would I date this person? Yes. Do I think it would go well…Maybe, but i’d rather be friends. But Im picking Sam!!!! I feel like he’s the dad friend and I need that in my life. He’s the guy that i’m calling if my car breaks down or if I do. He’d let me come bother him at all hours of the day while also forcing me to take care of myself when I busy with college. I love him so so so much and want to be his bestie so badly.

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

I start to ramble about how not tired I am. Like i’ll be actively falling asleep and will be telling the person i’m having a convo with that i’m not tired and i’m not going to bed. Only to be asleep thirty (30) seconds later. I also get really cuddly when i’m drifting off and normally Im not that cuddly cause of how warm I am.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

White cheddar popcorn, those chewy smarties ropes, and a coca-cola icee. it slaps fr

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

It’s a playlist that my best friend made when we took a twenty (20) hour round trip, road trip. It’s twelve (12) hours long and i’m obsessed with it. We had so many great unhinged moments during that drive. We still text about them to this day and the road-trip was last year lmao. We were slightly crazy to drive that much in a 36 hour span but it was worth it. We’ve got memories that we will talk about for the rest of our lives.

Extra info:

I’m the baby of my family, I’m going into healthcare, I love turtles (like kind of an obsession), i’m touch starved to the max but won’t do anything to fix it, I have a weighted dino and a weighted blanket that I sleep with. If I don’t have those I will explode. Oh, and I have a fear of sleepovers. So…yeah… :).

Thank you so much for doing this!!! It really made me think about myself which was fun! I hope you are having an awesome day!!

Hmmm, this one really had me percolating over the Redactedness brackets. In the end, it’s something about your Enneagram type that really settles me with Milo as your match.

9w1s are known as the Dreamers, characterized by this optimistic and unshakable sense of justice and a sense of responsibility to uphold it, to do what’s right. This seems supported by your goals of working in medicine/healthcare. That’s hella Sweetheart-coded which makes you a perfect fit for Milo. (Also, Milo is totally a momma’s boy, and I think he’d be so delighted to be with someone who works in health/healing like Marie. Like, not in a weird way, but it’d probably feel very familiar and loving to him.)

Also, Milo, like most shifters, is the perfect boyfriend for touchstarved babes who needed weighted things to sleep. We’ve all heard his “Comforted by-” audio; we all know he would give the best head scratches, and that’s not even mentioning what a fantastic weighted blanket/animal he would make in his wolf form. You’d be so sweet together: him with his cat, you with your turtle(s), those cats and turtles and their playfully antagonistic relationship. I can very much imagine Aggro being a dick to some turtles in a fun, cartoon, Tom & Jerry way.

Song:

You know I'll treat you right/ We'll dance through the morning while everyone's sleeping/ And if you get too tired/ Just rest your lips on mine/ Lovers don't have to just kiss in the evening/ I think we danced last night till three in the morning

One of my favorite fandom headcanons is that Milo loves old-school, classic love songs of the crooning, swing dancing variety; I think it’s some combination of his accent, rakish charm, and confidence. I could easily imagine this playing through your house in the evenings, those twilight hours between night and day, between asleep and awake, when you are sleepy enough to let him lead you through a dance.

Runner-ups:

Geordi, I love for you because I think he’s an unashamed Marvel fanboy, and I love pairing nerds together; y’all deserve it. Personally, I think he’s a Spiderman fan, and y’all could have some very fun debates about Team Captain America versus Team Iron Man. Elliott would be a cute runner-up because I think it’d be sweet to put two babies of the family together- like, your energies would match- and you two could have a fun college meet-cute; that setting would really suit him.

note: thank you for waiting so patiently~

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

#redactedasmr #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redactedaudio #redacted audio #redacted #busybee matches

7 notes · View notes

lovelyrocker · 10 months

Text

Consequences Part Four

RPF

Warnings: Talk of HIV, Talk of Cheating, Language, Depression, Angst, Anxiety, Arguing

Characters: Timothee Chalamet, Reader

Pairings: Timothee X Reader

Word Count: 1,085

Part Three

Timothee walked into the living room, tossing his phone on the coffee table. He let out a huff as he sat down on the couch, running a hand over his face. You look over at him from where you were sitting at the kitchen table. He looked exhausted and completely drained.

“Baby?”

“Yeah?” He looked over to you with a forced smile.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just got done postponing some stuff and rearranging my schedule.” He exhales tiredly.

“When are you leaving again?” You ask, closing your laptop.

‘I’m gonna stay home for a while. Till this gets settled.”

“Why don’t you go take a nap?” You offer as you stand and walk over to sit next to him.

“Because when I try to sleep I can’t.”

“Is it your hand bugging you?” You reach for his wrapped hand, but he pulls his hand away.

“My hand is fine.” He gives it a little flex.

You place your hand on his face and he pulls away. “Baby, come on. I’m not gonna get it just by touching you.”

“I just don't want to be touched, okay?” He moves away and starts towards the bedroom.

“Timmy, I’m trying here.” You say, turning in your seat, looking at him. “I know this is hard-”

“Hard?!” He snaps, walking back to the living room. “Y/N, I am completely and utterly disgusted with myself! I feel disgusting! Like I can take a shower in bleach and cleaner and I still wouldn’t be clean enough! All because I got way too drunk and fuck some random person!” You can see the self loathing in his eyes and it broke your heart. “I didn’t just fuck up my life, I fucked up your life, too! You were so excited to have kids one day! To get married! To see what our children would look like! I can’t give you that anymore! I can’t even make love to you with having the knowledge that, if something as simple as a condom slipping can ruin your life!”

“You don’t think I know that!?” You stand up and go to him. “You don’t think it hurts to know that your moment of weakness, your fuck up, changes everything for us?!” You push your hair from your face, fighting back tears and rage. “I wanted nothing more than to make you a father, to give you children and start that family with you! But I love you! Timothee, I fucking love you and I will do whatever it takes to give you everything you want even after all of this! God, this isn’t just you, you ass! My life changed, too!” You walk past him and into the bedroom.

You start taking your hoodie off, tossing it harshly to the ground, running your hands over your face. You hear the door open and you turn, wrapping your arms around Timothee’s shoulders. He freezes for a moment. He isn’t sure you won’t shove him away. He is confused a bit because you were just screaming at him. You bury your face into the crook of his neck. He hears you begin to cry and he gently wraps his arms around your body.

“I am terrified of you getting sick and losing you, Timmy.” You whisper in his ear. “I don’t care about the rest and what we won’t be able to do. I just want you to be okay.”

“I know, baby.” He buries his face in your neck. “I’m so sorry I did this to us.” You hear his voice crack as the tears fall from his face.

“Why did you have to be so stupid.” You sobbed into his shoulder. “Why couldn’t you just be good. Why couldn’t you just say no.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He cried. “I wish I could take it back.”

You pull away and look at him. You have tears pouring from your eyes and it breaks Timothee just a little more. “I don’t care if I get sick. It’s the thought of you being gone that scares me, Tim. You can get really sick with this. I can’t do life without you.”

“Shh,” He presses his forehead on yours for a minute then looks back at you. “You won’t, I swear. I’ll do everything the doctors say. I’ll do all the meds and treatments and stay healthy. I won’t leave you. I promise.” He pulls you into his arms. “I swear, I’ll be here.”

“Don’t make promises you know you can’t keep.” You tell him. He rubs your back soothingly and shuts his eyes knowing you were right. “I know HIV isn’t a death sentence any more but don’t pretend you are above it.” Timothee opens his mouth to speak when his phone starts to ring from the living room. You let him go and wipe your eyes, stepping back. “You should go answer it.”

Timothee gives a nod and wipes his face as he walks to the living room, clearing his throat and taking a breath before answering his phone. You sit in the bedroom calming yourself, keeping the panic attack that had been brewing for weeks and weeks at bay. You breathe in and out and walk to the bathroom and splash cold water in your face, bringing yourself back to reality.

You walk back out into the living room and see Timothee standing there in the middle of the room, his phone in his hand at his side, a blank expression on his face.

“Timmy?” You say his name but he doesn’t answer. “Timmy, what’s wrong?” You walk to him and place your hand on his cheek, turning his face to your.

He blinks and shakes his head. "Uh, That- that was the doctor.” He looks down at the phone in his hand. “The results are in.” He looks up at you. “He wants me to go in now so we can talk.”

“Oh.” You say as you take a deep breath. “Okay- uh-”

“Y/N,” He grabs your hand. “Can you come with me?” His brow furrows and you see the fear taking over. “I’m scared and I don’t want to do this alone.”

“Of course, baby.” You take his hand. “I’ll always be with you.” He nods as he grabs his wallet, shoving it in his back pocket. You watch as he slides his shoes on and grabs his keys from the ring, his hands starting to shake. You grab his hand. “Hey,” He looks over to you. “You’ll be okay.”

Part Five

#Timothee Chalamet #Timothee #RPF #Angst #anxiety #language #fan fiction #real person fiction #HIV #Cheating #Consequences #Part four

18 notes · View notes

pavetisprescott · 11 days

Text

;bitter drops of ambrosia;

- PAVETIS WYATTUM -

ouch, i have lost myself again...

Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse/Neglect, Cults, Blood, Violence, Death, Despair, Explorations of Mental Illness.

i am small, and needy...

There is so much happening at once, too much for Wyatt’s racing mind to process neatly. His heart is racing a million miles a minute, enough so that it feels like he’s on the verge of a medical crisis. This isn’t real. It isn’t. He always knew this day would come. It was only time. He is a man meant to crumble, a bundle of broken, faulty pieces trying desperately to be a living thing. Wyatt is his mother’s son, and it’s always been a futile game trying to lead a normal, good life. He should be helping the victims of the motor speedway tragedy, helping his fellow paramedics, the men and women from his station, the closest thing he’s ever had to a family. If anything happens to them, their blood is on his hands. How long has his mind been fragmenting? One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. He’s frozen, except for the shaky fingers of his right hand tapping out a rhythm on his left arm. One. Two. One. Two. Wyatt’s eyes are shut tight, his body ice cold with fear, so tense and frigid that he’s not even sure he’s still alive. Is he dead? Maybe he hasn’t lost his mind, and instead this is the afterlife. Wyatt stopped believing in any god the second he had any conception of such a thing. Would a god stand by and allow the things that happened to his mother? To him? To the women and children whose faces he tries desperately to forget? His father would allow such things…apparently. The thought makes him retch. There’s a sudden overwhelming warmth rushing down his face, coursing down his neck, and he feels like he can’t move his limbs. No. It can’t- Against his better judgment, Wyatt wrenches his eyes open, but half of his vision is blurred. His left eye is wet with something, and when he opens his mouth he can taste metal. His right eye does most of the work as he tries to focus on what’s in front of him. Wyatt knows where he is though, he knew the moment he felt that familiar warmth, he just needed to confirm his fears. Before him is a dark wooded forest, one he can only barely see, the only light source is the warm orange glow of a small lit torch held in front of his mother’s face. His mother’s eyes dance in front of the flame, a restless fear present in them, fear he’s sure is mirrored on his own. Does his mother notice? Did she ever notice? Is his mother capable of feeling empathy for him? For her son?

His bottom lip trembles as he tries to say something, to scream. The taste of metal makes his stomach turn. Wyatt struggles against the ropes tied around his body, so tight he can barely breathe, his feet stomp on the ground beneath him, snapping small twigs. “STOP IT! Wyatt stop screaming and crying!” His mother looks around frantically, “You should be GRATEFUL! YOU are chosen!” The words make Wyatt’s eyes well up with tears, further blurring his vision. He sobs against the ropes, hoping that if he moves enough, they’ll loosen up and he’ll be free. “Mom! Please! I’m sorry!” He can barely get the words out, and when he does they’re not like he remembers. Wyatt’s voice is the voice of a man as he pleads. It’s then that he realizes he’s taller than his mother. “You should be sorry! You’re so defiant, you evil little thing. That’s why we had to punish you.” His mother’s words are laced with disgust. Contempt. “You don’t care about our mission, about the new world!” Wyatt cries out again. “The beasts of the night are going to take you,” his mother slowly approaches him, the flames of her torch inches away from his cheek. It’s hot in a way that makes him sweat immediately. “You’re going to be devoured and made anew. A perfect thing.” Wyatt is silent as he stares out into the darkness beyond the looming forest. Could it be true? Is he actually going to be taken by the mighty beasts of Appalachia? All he wants is for his mom to untie him, to wrap him in her arms, and to take him away from this. He knows she won’t. She’s too afraid. Always afraid. “It could be worse, you could’ve faced the flame,” she whispers, moving the torch ever closer, enough so that Wyatt is certain he’s going to be burnt. Wyatt knows that some of the others have faced unspeakable horrors in these woods, turned into piles of ashes with forgotten names, but he still doesn’t feel like he should be grateful. “Yea…exactly. Now, be a good little boy, and stop screaming so goddamn loud! We don’t want the great ones to think you’re ungrateful, do we? You know what that would mean for us.” Wyatt doesn’t say anything, his lips pressed firmly together as he cries silently, just staring at his mother’s face. He doesn’t want her to leave, even if she is berating him. He knows that when she leaves all that will exist is darkness. He’ll be a scared little boy, beaten and tied to a tree in the middle of the forest. Left alone to rot. Offered up. And rejected. He squeezes his eyes shut again, “Please, mommy! Please don’t leave me here! I’m scared!” It hurts to get the words out, but he does. When he opens his eyes, the only thing he can see is a small ball of flame retreating in the distance. He sobs and struggles against the ropes again. He closes his eyes, trying to will this away.

He deserves this. Wyatt deserves this. If he had been better, he would be back at camp with the other kids. It’s his fault. He taps out a rhythm on his leg, his hand plastered to his side, barely able to move. Wyatt can fix this. Somehow. There’s an urge, a need to prove his worth, to prove his innocence. If he does this everything will be okay. He can fix it. One. Two. One. Two. A familiar pattern, comforting. One. Wyatt. Two. Mom. One. Two. One. Two. He can save himself, and save his mom. Wyatt wants nothing more than to take them away from this place. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two.He can’t stop, if he does, he’ll die. Wyatt will die and everything will come undone, and his mother will face a similar fate.

He can fix it.

One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two.

It’s pathetic in a way. Wyatt is a man now, he knows better. He knows this doesn’t actually accomplish anything, but he can’t stop.

One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two.

He doesn’t know how long he’s stuck in this trance, all he knows is that suddenly he feels a presence before him, a horrible warm gust of moist air blowing in his face.

A chill runs down his spine.

Wyatt doesn’t remember this.

He opens his eyes slowly, his body trembling in a way it never has.

In the overwhelming darkness he sees two glowing red eyes staring right at him.

One of the beasts, one of the great ones.

His mother was right…they were all right…

How could he have been so foolish?

The thought just fills him with dread.

“WH-WH-” he begins to say something when he feels an incredibly sharp burning sensation in his midsection. Wyatt unleashes a guttural scream into the night as he feels himself being torn apart.

Everything fades. Wyatt gasps painfully, frantically looking around as his eyes burn from the overwhelming brightness of daytime around him. He’s immediately confronted with the smell of burning, of blood, of death. The sounds of panic ring all around, a symphony of tragedy. He’s back where he was when he heard the song, the thing that ripped him away from one of the most dangerous calls of his career. Wyatt looks on in horror, shaking his head, willing everything to go away. This can’t be. Things are worse than when he was here. The flames have spread, covering a significant portion of the stands, pieces of the almost colosseum-like structure have collapsed, crushing everything underneath. Members of his team are trying to remove debris, searching for possible survivors. Wyatt rushes to join them, seeing that one of his fellow paramedics is crouched over a severely injured victim, trying to administer CPR. She’s frantic as she tries everything possible to save the patient. He tries to help, but it’s like he’s invisible. His colleague can’t see him, can’t hear him either. He’s a ghost. Wyatt hears the firefighters screaming commands at one another nearby, and recognizes his name. His feet move toward the commotion, as if on their own accord. “WE HAVE TO GET HIM OUT.” The fire captain is digging away pieces of concrete, a couple of the other firefighters aiding him in his mission. “C’MON, PRESCOTT, SAY SOMETHING! LET US KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE!” Okay, now he feels like he’s dead. Is this purgatory? As the rubble is cleared, more of the figure crushed underneath is revealed. They’re no longer a dirtied uniform, the puzzle is complete as their bloodied face comes into view. It’s Lewis. Benny… Benjamin Lewis. His fellow paramedic, the one he’s closest to. The man that Wyatt tries to convince himself he doesn’t care deeply for. His chest tightens. It feels like something’s hit him square in the stomach. “LEWIS?!” The world is a blur, all he can feel is this sinking weight. It’s his fault. “WHERE THE FUCK IS PRESCOTT? DID HE GO MIA?” He abandoned them. “WE GOTTA KEEP LOOKING.” The edges of his world start to fade into black as he hears another loud boom and more screaming. There’s a whisper in his ear, impish and filled with glee. It’s all he can sense. “pavetis wyattum!” “wyattum pavetis!” “You are ruinous.” “filius dei es” “filius pavoris” “pavoris filius”

#godlingprompt001 #⌗ . -autophobia- about wyatt;#did i dust off my latin for this? maybe. did i make a graphic for it? maybe. is it like 10k words? also maybe...

6 notes · View notes