#stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

nothing much, just obsessively pining for you at 4:30 in the morning even though you'll never love me, same old same old

#not trek #personal log #early morning thoughts #pining #long distance pining #unrequited crush #one sided crush #limerence #romantically challenged #romance = 😣 #forever alone #demi problems #literally hopeless #soul sick #heartsick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

Is it strange to simultaneously ache for someone to notice you but also hope to God that they never ever ever perceive you in any manner whatsoever?

e.g. "I want you to pay attention to me sooo so so desperately badly, but I also don't want you to know I even exist"?

#not trek #early morning thoughts #being invisible #being alone #being desperate #unloveable #forever alone #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is a loser #stfu jtkchu #frustrating paradox

[jimkirkachu]

sometimes I think maybe I will try to look at / work on / actually finish one of the 1701 K/S WIPs in my drafts, or maybe attempt to put one of the K/S pictures in my head onto paper

and then I remember how very many K/S content creators there are; how much better than me most if not all of them are at the craft in question; how badly out of touch I am with the fandom / franchise; and how small, insignificant, and generally unlikable I am

#i am an awful trekkie #i really shouldn't even be allowed to call myself a trekkie anymore #sorry again folks #personal log #k/s #kirk/spock #tos spirk #no motivation #no self esteem #no self worth #no spoons #riiight‚ social media is where i remember that the rest of the world is much more creative and talented than me #i am literally a fandom cliché but not even in an endearing or amusing manner #the continued voyages of jtkchu being mentally ill on the internet #jtkchu's brain #soul sick #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

Do you ever wonder what you must have done to get yourself blocked by someone you've never interacted with at all, or who used to [favorably] interact with your posts fairly regularly? (or are you normal, etc. etc.)

#not trek #personal log #getting blocked #i don't check this stuff often enough to know 'ah that comment/post must have been what drove them away' #and i know it could be something as benign as them not wanting to see my whiny depressed crap anymore #but i still feel bad #and i hope that whatever i did wasn't perceived as deliberately mean or hurtful #i wish i could apologize to every person in the world 😞 #bad feelings #paranoia #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #pointless worrying #anxiety #headache #why am i like this #why can't i sleep at night like i'm supposed to and be awake when the other humans are awake and i wouldn't constantly feel alone #please ignore #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #i'm just really sorry #i want to disappear

[jimkirkachu]

God bless the no-commentary "let's play" videos on y*utube that you can put on and have playing in the background while doing other stuff so it feels like your big brother or geographically distant internet friend is there with you playing your mutual favorite video games while you try not to think about how lonely and pitiful you are

#youtube mention #smart tube #let's play videos #video games #isolation #loneliness #lonely #early morning thoughts #bad feelings #insomnia #being nocturnal in a diurnal society #unloveable #soul sick #jtkchu is a loser #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

simultaneously incoherently excited about the possibility of top surgery

and

feeling guilty for not just resolving to keep enduring the pain + self-hatred and using that obscene sum of money on charitable donations or my niblings' education or something more selfless/helpful to the world

(and trying not to even think about the fact that I've never been under anaesthesia before so deep deep down I'm probably also mortally horrified by the prospect of being operated on)

#not trek #personal log #gender identity #nonbinary #top surgery #medical #uninsured #american 'healthcare' #plus i'm desperate to get it done before all forms of healthcare are abolished in this hellhole #trans genocide #america is a horror show #first world problems i guess #anxiety #depression #unworthy #unlovable #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #happy half birthday

[jimkirkachu]

if your neck hurts like a bastard, scream and swear—

👏 *fuck!* 👏 *FAAAHCK!!!* 😃👍

#not trek #personal log #neck pain #muscle pain #shoulder pain #just pain pure and simple! #like the horta #anybody have any advice? i'm taking ibuprofen and tried a heating pad but heat seems to have been a mistake 😬 #idek where it's coming from exactly?? #recently got new pillows so i assumed it was the strain of sleeping with my neck like... more elevated than usual? #i.e. fluffy new vs squished/flattened old pillows idk #but then there was 5 days of running around chasing toddlers & just generally being more active so maybe i pulled a muscle or something?? #anyway advice appreciated i can't turn my head to the left and it's starting to piss me off #swearing #cursing #tw: swearing #tw: cursing #complaining #bitching #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

whenever I get a text message (very rarely), I get all excited, like, "oo, someone wants to talk to me??" but 99.4% of the time it's pornbot spam

and yet I still don't learn—like the moron I am, I continue to have hope every time even though it inevitably leads to disappointment

#not trek #personal log #text messages #pathetic life #so this is what my life has come to #self pity #isolation #spam texts #pavlovian response #remember when this used to be a k/s blog? no me neither #soul sick #i want to hurt myself #i want to die #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

Here's the thing.

("Abandon all hope," etc. etc.)

I know you're never going to message me out of the blue, just wanting to get to know me with the hope of becoming friends and eventually more-than-friends. I know you're never going to fall in love with me, or write me letters, or rearrange your life to be near me. I'm a nobody, a mentally ill unemployed dogfaced loser who doesn't even know their own gender or sexuality, lives with their parents, and currently has no prospects of changing Any of those things (haven't had prospects for 4+ years now).

You are destined for fame, fortune, or at least Success; incredibly talented, so handsome I want to kill myself, intelligent, kind, creative, supportive, sweet—so, Going Places. You could already have your pick of any lover(s) or spouse(s) you could possibly want, with your charm and sensitivity. You're considerate, eloquent, passionate, fun... an overall Good Egg. And you're only just getting started.

We are separated by too much of the world, too few things in common (probably?), far too wide a difference in attractiveness, too much internet/not enough reality.

I know that I need to forget you, if for no other reason than the fact that I don't even know you to begin with. I know I need to forget the version of you my mind has crafted around what little I do know of you. I know that I need to move on and let go of this absurd fantasy of having you suddenly DM'ing me, wanting to know who I am behind all the pathetic depression posts and bad k/s fics (spoiler alert: I'm still nobody); being Totally Fine with how boring and needy I am and with my fear of phone calls/video chats; eventually asking for my phone number (for texting) and e-/snail-mail addresses so you can send me more and more affectionate missives; after several months or years making an impulsive decision to pack up everything you have and everything you've ever known to move across the world to be with me; finding out we do fit well together in person (not just online); getting along beautifully with my family and my cat and getting a steady [your_field] job that miraculously supports us both; snuggling with me under a squishy blanket while we watch crap movies that one of your colleagues recommended and I make stupid craft projects for our friends and your family (whom we visit as many times a year as possible [more and more as your inevitable success increases] because somehow they actually approve of me); then living happily ever after with me and our cat(s) and whatever other pets you might want because somewhere in this sequence of events you apparently lost your whole entire mind (maybe you got hit in the head with a brick. Or a bus. Or a fucking barge) and decided that being with me was somehow pleasant and desirable and fulfilling.

I know I need to hit ctrl+z and undo this entire imaginary lifetime of impossible events in my mind and forget that I ever dreamed of anything more than what I already have as a still single still purposeless still loser. I know I'm going to die alone (likely by suicide) once my parents have passed away because I'll have no means of supporting/taking care of myself and no one left to live for. I know I'll never be loved romantically (I've known that for decades). And I know you don't want or need to know any of this because our lives are literally never going to intertwine any more than they already have via, perhaps, an occasional "like" or comment on a post.

But God...

Sometimes I just want to hurt as deeply as I've ever been able to hurt, and the fairy tale of you is the only weapon that can pierce deep enough into my soul to draw blood from the chronically-aching void where my heart was once supposed to have formed.

#not trek #personal log #unrequited crush #crushes #romance = 😣 #forever alone #unloveable #soul sick #heartsick #everything hurts #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is a loser #jtkchu is toxic #stfu jtkchu #sui mention #sorry for being depressing #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better

[jimkirkachu]

Seriously, what am I supposed to do? (re: everything)

#suggestions welcome #send help #not trek #personal log #heartsick #soul sick #everything is meaningless #feeling like a burden #i want to hurt myself #wouldn't even notice because everything already hurts or aches or stings #it's not that i've given up hope for myself it's that i never had that kind of hope to begin with #dear captain kirk please forgive me for wasting so much of your time #taking meds getting therapy and yet it still just feels like i'm only prolonging the inevitable #i should never have been allowed to exist #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is toxic #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

impromptu Saturday morning insecurity and inevitably consequent wondering why it has always been too much to ask just to have someone to snuggle with and gently run their fingers through my hair as we both drift back to sleep

#not trek #personal log #early morning thoughts #insecurity #loneliness #forever single #forever alone #irritated to have this same Sad over and over literally almost every day for almost 33 years now #isn't there some Other emotion in the human condition that i could try for a while‚ like a test drive? #jtkchu is a broken record #sad #lonely #same old same old #soul sick #heartsick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #going back to sleep because the world legitimately doesn't need me 👍 at least that means i can stay with my soft warm blankey 😑 #my art and writing might be terrible but no matter HOW terrible they are‚ at least their terribleness can't take my blankey away from me

[jimkirkachu]

I miss having things in common with my friends and family members who are now married and/or have children

#in other words 2 friends and my brother #not trek #forever alone #being single & not necessarily by choice #childless #and i am literally the only single and/or childless person left in my entire family 👍 #not getting any younger #(i am also far older now than any of my family members were by the time they got married 👍) #babysitting niblings again this week and i simply do not have the spoons for it #just sad and tired today #*sigh* #heartsick #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is toxic #stfu jtkchu #lethargic #depression #anybody have a spare hug or cuddle you don't mind squandering on little old me? 😞 #i need a hug #having a sad

[jimkirkachu]

just when I feel like I finally have the spoons to catch up on inbox asks, I have a close call almost-encounter with the Abuser and it screws me up the entire rest of the day

#any bets on it fucking me up for the rest of the week too? #not trek #personal log #abuse #tw: abuse #ptsd #tw: ptsd #no spoons #exhaustion #fatigue #emotional trauma #panic attack #why is the world like this #so tired of surviving #please disregard just sitting with the self pity for a while 🤦 #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

I need want a naptime buddy 😞

#not trek #personal log #my life is sad #forever alone #sleeping alone #naps #naptime #touch deprivation #touch starvation #unloveable #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu #(dw I will not be surprised if/when there are no volunteers i'm just all up on the self-pity this weekend) #wow yikes i need a hug or something wtf is even wrong with me anyway

[jimkirkachu]

happy pride

want to die

#not trek #tw sui ideation #tw: sui thoughts #cw sui thoughts #cw sui mention #personal log #i'm sorry i'm like this #not belonging anywhere #soul sick #heartsick #i get it i would ghost me too if i had the chance #therapy tomorrow #i'm not in crisis i just hate myself #seems like the proper way to begin pride month #especially since i still don't believe i deserve to be included in pride #jtkchu is toxic #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu

[jimkirkachu]

and now for the latest installment in the "jtkchu is a conceited asshole" series:

my aunt died early this morning and all I can think about tonight is,

wow, [parent] got really frustrated when I mentioned that cute trans-Marty-McFly headcanon I saw and liked on tumblr and made them sigh and mutter "not again" under their breath while I speed-talked my way through the first thing I liked about it because I hadn't expected them to react with such utter disgust or irritation so I awkwardly deflected to a comment about one of the cats and have been desperately hoping since that moment that they just dismissed or forgot about it altogether

a.k.a. yes, I really am that self-absorbed. ~Literal death in the family~ is outweighed by ~boo hoo I said something stupid and got my feelings hurt~ 🤦 libra/balance my ass.

(...what a riot that my therapist has been attempting to boost my confidence enough to ask my parents to start using they/them pronouns for me, now that it's been over a year since I came out to them. I'm feeling now more than ever that I should just discretely squeeze myself back into the closet, and that I probably would have been better off never to have peeked out of it in the first place. 🤦)

#not trek #personal log #gender identity #gender binary #tw death #death mention #selfishness #coming out #headcanons #lgbtqia+ headcanons don't hurt anyone why do cishet people get so butthurt about them #anyway finally learned my lesson‚ need to stfu about queer things & being nb & just try to be female again as long as i'm living here #can't afford to be kicked out‚ i wouldn't last 12 hours if i was homeless & they've said they'd never do that to me but you just never know #so i will try to avoid making them any More uncomfortable in their own home than they already are‚ thanks to my useless & abnormal presence #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #to all those to whom i owe messages please know you're still on my radar and i'm really sorry i've just been so low on spoons lately 😞 #no spoons november #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is toxic #jtkchu is a loser #stfu jtkchu #regrets #i regret that i am a fucking monster 😣