#sometimes i wonder why i've been single my whole life

[paranorahjones]

in the latest revelations of Stuff I Probably Need To Work Out With A Therapist, i have found that i radically, paradoxically hate when people (but most especially my mother) help me when i clearly genuinely do need help but have not asked for it. and i usually don't ask for it because i hate doing so.

i didn't grow up in a household where help was freely given. i grew up in a "do it yourself" household. if i asked for help i was often met with a very stressful, unkind push to figure it out for myself, or i was made to feel inferior for needing help at all. the mindsets of "asking for help will worsen your situation" and "needing help is an unforgivable sign of inferiority" were ingrained in me from the get-go.

and i think i hate it most when my mother in particular offers to help me because she was largely the one who instilled those beliefs in me. so i find it hard to trust the heart behind her offers. i can readily admit that she has gotten kinder over the years, but i have not yet unlearned what she imparted to me. the other day she kindly offered to help me sort through/clean up the massive pile of clothes in my room that i have been too exhausted from work to deal with, and i was shocked at how immediately i internally resisted the idea of letting her help me. i wasn't unkind to her, i just turned down her offer and said i could deal with it on my own. but this isn't the first time i have refused her or someone else's help, in fact it happens frequently.

i think partly my resistance to it also comes from the fact that i very obviously needed help regarding mental health issues when i was younger and by and large did not receive it from my family in any measure, despite multiple pleas that i be put in counseling. so now i feel like i have to prove my independence after being forced into it.

#sometimes i wonder why i've been single my whole life #and then other times i realize that i need to deal with so much baggage that i wouldn't want to dump on another person #anyways #i love my mom but #oof

[inkskinned]

she's three years younger than i am, and i put on cascada as a throwback, cackling - before your time! i've been borrowing my brother's car, and it's older than dirt, so the trunk is like, maybe permanently locked. when the sun comes through the window to frame her cheekbones, i feel like i'm 16 again. i shake when i'm kissing her, worried i won't get it right.

in 2003, my state made gay marriage legal. where she grew up, it wasn't legal until 11 years later - 10 years ago. if legal protections for gay marriage were a person, that person would be entering 5th grade. online, a white gay man calls the fight for legal marriage boring, which isn't kind of him but it is a common enough opinion.

it has only been 9 years since gay marriage was nationally official. it is already boring to have gay people in your tv. it is already boring to mention being gay - "why make it your entire personality?" i know siblings that have a larger age gap than the amount of time it's been legally protected. i recently saw a grown man record himself crying about how evil gay people are. he was begging us, red in the face - just do better.

i am absolutely ruined any time my girlfriend talks about being 27 (i know!! a child!), but we actually attended undergrad at the same time since i had taken off time to work between high school and college. while walking through the city, we drop our hands, try not to look too often at each other. the other day i went to an open mic in a basement. the headlining comedian said being lesbian isn't interesting, but i am a lesbian, if you care. as a joke, she had any lesbian raise their hand if present. i raised mine, weirdly embarrassed at being the single hand in a sea of other faces. she had everyone give me a round of applause. i felt something between pride and also throwing up.

sometimes one thing is also another thing. i keep thinking about my uncle. he died in the hospital without his husband of 35 years - they were not legally wed, so his husband could not enter. this sounds like it should be from 1950. it happened in 2007. harassment and abuse and financial hardship still follow any person who is trying to get married while disabled. marriage equality isn't really equal yet.

and i don't know that i can ever put a name to what i'm experiencing. sometimes it just feels... so odd to watch the balance. people are fundamentally uninterested in your identity, but also - like, there's a whole fucking bastion of rabid men and women who want to kill you. your friends roll their eyes you're gay we get it and that is funny but like. when you asked your father do you still love me? he just said go to your room. you haven't told your grandmother. disney is on their 390th "first" gay representation, but also cancelled owl house and censored the fuck out of gravity falls. you actively got bullied for being gay, but your advisor told you to find a different gimmick for your college essay - everyone says they're gay these days.

once while you were having a hard day you cried about the fact that the reason our story is so fucking boring to so many people is that it is so similar. that it is rare for one of us to just, like, have a good experience across the board. that our stories often have very parallel bends - the dehumanization, the trauma, the trouble with trusting again. these become rote instead of disgusting. how bad could it be if it is happening to so many people?

i kiss my girlfriend when nobody is looking. i like her jawline and how her hands splay when she's making a joke. there is nothing new about this story, sappho. i love her like opening up the sun. like folding peace between the layers of my life, a buttercream of euphoria, freckles and laughter and wonder.

my dad knows about her. i've been out to him since i was 18 - roughly four years before the supreme court would protect us. the other day he flipped down the sun visor while driving me to the eye doctor. "you need to accept that your body was made for a husband. you want to be a mother because you were made for men, not women." he wants me to date my old high school boyfriend. i gagged about it, and he shook his head. he said - "don't be so dramatic. you can get used to anything."

the other day a straight friend of mine snorted down her nose about it, accidentally echoing him - she said there are bigger problems in this world than planning a wedding.

#splled ink #writeblr #it's really hard to describe what im feeling

[4ngel-inc]

｡･:*:･ﾟᰔ 𝓑𝓤𝓝𝓖𝓞 𝓢𝓣𝓡𝓐𝓨 𝓓𝓞𝓖𝓢 — WHEN THEY HURT YOUR FEELINGS

notes — i wrote this for myself & my fellow sensitive bbs :'))

warnings — kinda insecure reader in some, pretty suggestive, a little angst but all with happy endings !!

DAZAI — it hurts your feelings when one of dazai's ex-flings walks up to your table one night when you two are having dinner at your favorite restaurant, "ah- funny seeing you here, osamu. who's the lucky lady?" you glance up when you hear her call him by his first name, and the blood instantly drains from your face—she's absolutely gorgeous. it's clear dazai is only being polite as he offers a bit of small talk before his ex leaves, but she wasn't exactly friendly towards you, and that makes you a little nervous. you ask him about her on the way home, but he doesn't offer much information—"it was just a casual thing, nothing serious, i'm sure she understands." he wraps his arm around your waist tighter, protecting you from the chilly air with his coat wrapped around you, and you start to wonder, what makes you so special that he kept you around? will he grow tired of you as well? you voice your concerns that night before bed, speaking lowly as you're fluffing the pillows, "osamu, what is it you like about me?" he looks offended at that, "darling! what do you mean? i love everything about my sweet angel," he circles the bed, but you step back a little. "stop it, 'samu, i'm not special, why did you pick me?" he looks hurt, but smiles after a moment, pulling you in so he can cradle your face, "i wasn't as awful as you might think, love, i've been a true gentleman to everyone i've dated. and anyways, i didn't choose you, my heart did—i've been yours since the moment we met, i don't know how else to explain it, darling."

CHUUYA — chuuya is always very careful not to hurt your feelings, he's a gentleman in all things, putting your happiness before his own and making sure you feel safe and wanted. truthfully, he's the best boyfriend you could ever ask for, and most times, you're just downright spoiled. however, his work does take up a lot of his time, and though you've assured him you understand, sometimes, you do feel a little lonely. there are a few nights in a row he comes home without kissing you as he walks in, and he simply goes to bed while you're still on the couch watching tv without so much as an "i love you" first. you're really hurt, but you don't want to come off as needy—chuuya already has a lot to deal with at work, so you simply brush it aside. however, after a few more nights of the same thing, you crack. "chuuya?" you whisper as you peek your head into the bedroom. "mmh- yeah?" his voice is sleepy, and you feel a little bad for waking him, but you need to talk this through. "can we talk?" he sits up at that, turning on the beside lamp, "something wrong, princess?" you run your fingers through his hair before speaking, "chu," you sigh, "it really hurts my feelings when you go to bed without so much as a 'goodnight' or even a kiss, am i getting on your nerves lately or something?" his eyes widen, and he pulls you in, crushing you to him as he kisses your hair, "no- no, no, no, no. of course not. i've just been busy, angel, i'm so sorry. i'll call off work tomorrow, we'll spend the whole day together, yeah?" you smile and climb on top of him, "hmm, well, i think we should stay up all night tonight, then, what do you think?"

SIGMA — sigma absolutely hates the idea of hurting your feelings, it's almost like a foreign concept to him. he can't imagine doing anything to hurt you when his greatest goal in life is to simply keep you around for as long as possible, to love you and make you smile every single day—he's still searching for himself, and he wants to do it with you by his side. you just make him feel so warm and happy, he never wants to lose that. however, when you walk up to him one night on the casino floor, he's talking and laughing with a very beautiful woman, and it stings a little—you eye her hand as she slides it down his arm, clearly aiming to grab at his hand before his eyes dart over to you and he pulls away. "babe! what a surprise, i'm so happy to see you!" you don't answer, only eyeing the woman before she scoffs and walks away. "sigma, love, who was that?" you're trying not to let jealousy get the best of you—it's such an ugly feeling, after all. "huh? oh, just a customer. it's her first time here, she just wanted to tell me how much she likes the casino!" sigma really has no idea how beautiful he is, but his humble nature is just one thing you adore about him. he frowns when you don't answer, only watching the woman as she walks away. "babe? something wrong?" he panics a little, but the taste of your lips soothes him when you pull him in for a kiss that's probably much too passionate for others to be seeing. you hum as you pull away, "nothing at all, you just look gorgeous today, i needed a kiss."

FUKUZAWA — fukuzawa actually hurts your feelings a lot, sadly, but he's got the kindest heart in the world, so you never hold it against him for long. he's simply very blunt, so it's easy for you to feel a little dismissed sometimes. in particular, you bring him lunch at work one day, after spending literally hours on a tiny bento containing all of his favorites fashioned in an intricate design. you're so proud of your work, admiring the little details and garnishes that made it entirely worth all of the sweat (and a few tears), you even made his favorite hōjicha tea to bring with it! however, when you reach the floor of his agency and peek your head into his private office, you realize he has company, and whatever meeting he's having looks quite important. "ah, i'm sorry, y/n, you'll have to come back later." he attempts to close the door on you, but your words stop him, "oh! no, that's fine- i just wanted to bring y-" he cuts you off, "whatever it is, we can talk later, y/n. i'm busy right now." he shuts the door before you can respond, and you've never felt more embarrassed. you wander into the ada's main room before setting the lunch on dazai's desk, "dazai-san, could you eat this? i worked really hard on it, i just want someone to enjoy it," your voice breaks as you walk away. when fukuzawa arrives home later that night, he has the empty bentos in his hand, placing them on the table before approaching you on the couch, but you put a hand out to stop him, "just- don't, yukichi." he ignores your words, dropping to his knees and resting his head in your lap, "my angel, please forgive me, i was meeting with the council. let me make you dinner? lunch was excellent, truly, and it was the best tea i've ever tasted."

AKUTAGAWA — ok, akutagawa is a little clueless, so you give him a lot of leeway, but there are just some things he says and does that can't be erased, and that's especially true when he snaps at you one night, "i just want to be alone for a few minutes! is that too much to ask?" you'd followed him into the bedroom when he got home from work, making grabby hands at him, "ryuuuu," you whined, "where are my kisses?" you simply wanted to spend time with him, but now that he's yelled at you, all you want is to be as far away from him as possible. you sleep on the couch that night, even after he's begged you to come to bed, and eventually, you wake up to him sleeping on the floor next to you, not even covered in a blanket, but simply resting his head in the crook of his arm. he doesn't look comfortable at all, and your heart aches a little when he stirs, "babe? you're awake already?" "ryu, how long've you been there?" "i don't know, maybe a few hours? i couldn't sleep without you," he states nonchalantly, not even a hint of shame in his voice. you sigh, tugging on his arm, "come here, do you remember what you said to me?" he frowns, "yes, and i'm deeply sorry, i had a long day at work. i never want to hurt you, i'm just. . ." he looks down at his hands, "i'm still learning. but trust me when i say this, taking space from you is the last thing i want. coming home to you is the best part of my day."

#— love notes: [bsd] ୧ ‧₊ #bsd x reader #dazai x reader #chuuya x reader #akutagawa x reader #fukuzawa x reader #sigma x reader #bsd fluff #bsd x you #bsd x y/n #osamu dazai x reader

[mika-no-sekai-blog]

Wingspan

Word count: 4.4k

Warnings: Minors denied. Don't want me to write the list of all shameful things I wrote under the cut

Because I've spent whole week with sick 2 years old child, managed to get sick as well and I'm deprived of Azriel because last two months I'm writing only Heal me and as soon as he appeared on scene, this invaded my mind.. Honestly too many reasons to write something silly ⁄⁠(⁠⁄⁠ ⁠⁄⁠•⁠⁄⁠-⁠⁄⁠•⁠⁄⁠ ⁠⁄⁠)⁠⁄

"Okay, guys. You know why we are here," I started. "At first I'd like to thank you that you voluntarily signed up as subjects for this research."

"We compare our pricks whole life. It's our pleasure that somebody finally took it seriously and wants to write a whole book about it," Cassian teased, laughing hard.

Rhysand was trying really hard to keep a straight face the whole time, but after Cassian's comment he was about to lose it, and Azriel standing in the dark corner rather disappeared in his shadows after this comment.

How did I even get into this situation? Well, I knew how. It all happened because I was a passionate researcher. Too passionate for my own good.

It all started with mated Archeron sisters and Mor who wouldn't stop debating about this thing of a correlation of wingspan with the size of Illyrian male's private parts. It picked up my interest and I searched the entire library to find out more info about it. Utterly failing in the process, there wasn't a single mention. There wasn't even a proper documentation of their wings alone. So I took it upon myself to collect necessary data to confirm or deny truth of this rumour. I briefly mentioned it to Rhys hoping he could help me find enough subjects for the research. Which he did in surprisingly short time. And as if it wasn't enough he and his brothers signed up, too.

"That part I will leave to you. I hope I can count on you to deliver accurate numbers. If you try to cheat I'll have your mates to do it properly," I laughed, but I meant every single word.

"I'm sure Nes would be all for it," Cassian grinned proudly.

"As if Feyre wouldn't," Rhysand lost it. I had to laugh. I was afraid it would turn into something awkward, but with these two it was impossible. They were like kids, turning everything into a funny game.

I met Rhysand under the mountain. He witnessed the moment my ex betrayed me and when Feyre saved us all, he picked up my remains and brought me to Velaris to heal. In the end I decided to stay here. I buried love, lust and everything related to it as deep as possible and focussed on what I liked - research - occasionally helping inner circle.

"At least they certainly won't cheat," I smiled. "This research origins in their concern after all."

The three of us laughed so hard we cried. Only Azriel stayed silent hidden in his corner.

"And who will make sure Azriel doesn't cheat?" Cassian wondered.

"Why should I," Azriel stepped out from his hideaway, lowering a challenging gaze at me.

"I believe Azriel is the last one of three of you to use such dirty tricks to manipulate the results," I said, returning his gaze. "But if he does, I'll personally make sure he delivers true data."

His hazel eyes lit up with mischief and corners of his full lips slightly moved upward in a hardly there smirk. He wasn't so different from his brothers. More serious than these two? Certainly, but he could be playful, too.

"Okay, guys, let's get it done. Who is the first to show off the wingspan?"

This was the part I'd been looking forward the most. Illyrian wings, the most important subject of my research and to be honest, the main reason of this fuss. So sacred that sometimes even their lovers weren't allowed to touch them. Not that I could touch them by any mean. Boys only granted me to take measurements and a close look to make detailed sketches. Totally understandable given how sensitive they were.

All three of them took turns one in a time, helping me when my arms were too short. I took measurements of different parts of their bodies, too, just to be sure I have all I could possibly need to get accurate results. I wrote down numbers into my notebook, already amazed by the results.

"That's all for today. Thank you for your time. When can I expect the other data?"

"You can get them even right now, if you want, but I guess you don't want to see it, do you?" Cassian, always such a tease. I shook my head laughing.

"Would tomorrow morning be a soon enough for you?" Rhysand purred, flashing a smile. "Tonight we're going to have a lot of fun with Feyre."

"It would be perfect," I agreed. The sooner I was done here, the sooner I could go to camps to collect data from volunteers Rhysand had found for me.

Cassian and Rhysand left soon after, but ever-silent Azriel stayed behind.

He seemed to be so flustered and nervous while I was taking his measurements. Cassian was picking on him for that, but Azriel stoically ignored him and held still. It seemed he didn't even breathe. I knew he didn't like to be touched. It was the biggest of the surprises that he voluntarily signed up for this, so I was extra careful with him.

Ever since I met him, he was always very kind and considerate to me. However it took some time until he opened up. It's just few months since we started to hang out more. Not that I wouldn't like him. If I were honest, I would admit that he was very interesting person, I liked him a lot and he was so incredibly handsome. Too handsome to be real.

But that's exactly the way I wasn't suppose to think about him. I'm the type who falls easily and hard, and loves with all her being. That's why I was so devastated last time. Nobody could possibly love somebody like me. I'm unbearable in many ways.

Plus he is too high league for somebody like me. He can have anybody he wants and the line of prospects is long. Elain and Gwyn for example compete for his attention for years. Successfully. There's no way he would think of me that way. I shook my head to get rid of these self harming thoughts.

Turning I smiled at him encouragingly. Azriel cleared his throat, wings rustled behind his back. He did this often when he was nervous or uncomfortable.

"The camps.. are you planning to go there alone?" His deep voice always did this strange thing with my insides. And today was no different. I pushed the feeling aside, to the box of things I shouldn't think about and shut it closed.

"No, I believe last time Rhysand mentioned something about sending an escort. Mor is going with me, too."

"Okay," he nodded. His one word responses the were death of me. It was so hard to keep conversation going.

"Uhm.. So tomorrow? You don't have to hurry if it's inconvenient for you."

"Tomorrow is fine."

"Oh.. So.. uhm.. I'll see you tomorrow." Shadowsinger just nodded looking down at me a little longer than necessary and then finally he turned and left. I let out a long breath.

Next day Rhys came as the first one as soon as I entered my office. I guess he couldn't wait. Cassian stopped by as soon as the training with priestesses was over. I checked their results with their mates during the lunch break just to be sure the numbers are correct.

It was almost evening and Azriel was nowhere to be seen. I packed some of the stuff I needed to take to camps and took a look around. There was nothing else to keep me occupied, so I decided it's time to go home. I was about to open the door when a knock sounded. It was Azriel.

"You came," I greeted him with smile.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. I was-"

"It's okay," I interrupted him. "You really don't need to apologise. I'm grateful you signed up for this."

He made a small noise and handed me a piece of folded paper. I took it and returned to my desk where I left the notebook with all data.

"Were you going to go home already?" he asked while I unfolded the paper.

"Yeah, you came just in time. One minute later and I would be gone." I looked at the number and froze. No way, this was certainly wrong. I compared it to the other numbers. Definitely wrong.

"Something's wrong?" he stepped closer, peeking down on me.

"What?" I was so immersed in my thoughts I didn't hear him. "Excuse me," I said boldly and reached for his crotch. Just to make things clear, I wasn't completely myself, otherwise I wouldn't dare to even think about doing so. In that very moment I was simply researcher and nothing else.

Azriel sharply inhaled, eyes widened, but he held still, blushing heavily.

"As I thought," I mumbled to myself releasing him. "Sweetheart, you were supposed to measure yourself when you are.. You know.. 'excited'. I really didn't think you would try to sabotage the research," I tried to joke to lighten his embarrassment. "With your .. equipment.. there's no reason for you to lose. I thought you are quite competitive."

He just silently looked to the side while the shadows danced around him as if trying to hide him.

"Or did you want me to help you with it?" I smiled teasingly. His head snapped up, hazel eyes finding mine. "Sit down there," I pointed to an armchair near the window. While he did as I asked him, I took a chair, placing it next to the armchair, facing the other side. I took the notebook, a towel and a tape measure I used the other day, and sat down on the chair.

I looked at him amused. From this angle I could see only his face and shoulders. "Go ahead. I won't look." With that I opened the notebook looking for the page, but he hadn't moved gazing up at me.

I smiled still leafing through pages. "Let me tell you a secret, okay? We have something in common, Az." I leaned closer to him as if it was really a secret I was about to reveal. "When I say I won't look, then I really won't do it." I looked straight into his eyes to make it clear that I meant it. "I can even measure you without seeing it. I don't need to touch you either. All I need is for this measure to touch you. That's all. So take your pants off and let me know when you are ready."

At this moment he was panting heavily, his pupils dilated. "Do you want me to chit chat you through it? Or do you prefer silence?" I added, arching a brow at him when he just sat there gazing. Finally he moved and I heard as his pants slid down. Azriel's gaze darkened, his eyes never leaving mine.

He swallowed, his broad chest heaving. "I'm ready" he rasped, his usually deep voice deepened even more. I'd be lying if I said it didn't effect me. Now it was my turn to blush.

I handed him the towel. "Cover yourself." I stood up slowly to give him enough time. I turned to him placing notebook on a small side table within arm's reach. I gasped when I looked down at him. My heart went crazy, running for marathon and I could only wish he didn't hear it.

Azriel sat in the armchair in full grace as if it was his throne, his bare legs with muscles on right places spread wide, towel crumpled in his fist. He grinned challengingly.

Okay, maybe we have more than one thing in common. I hate losing, too.

My mouth went dry and I was panting as heavily as Azriel. My head emptied. It took me every ounce of self-control to step between his legs, control my trembling hands and measure him. But I did it, I didn't break.

"Much better," I said coolly as I wrote results down. I collected my things, ready to leave.

"You want to leave me like this, Y/N?" Azriel growled lowly.

I made the mistake and looked into his beautiful eyes. I wasn't sure what I'd seen in them, but it dug out all forgotten feelings. As wave of lust washed over me I lost control over myself. I sat down on the armrest, my legs brushing his thigh lightly. I placed hands on his shoulders and leaned in.

"You are right. I should repay you," I whispered inches from him.

For a while Azriel watched me as a starved man. Slowly, very slowly he erased the distance between us, his soft lips colliding with mine. The moan that came out from his throat made me forget whatever happened after that.

When his fingers found a waistband of my pants and started unbuttoning them, it was like a cold shower. I broke the kiss, untangling my fingers from his silky dark strands. Eyes still closed, his lips followed after me. I squeezed his fingers in my hands and he looked up at me. I could see he wasn't pleased that I stopped him, but he didn't try to pressure me.

"This part of me is not on offer," I said calmly sending him a sad smile. There wasn't reason to be mad. It was my fault in the first place, I was the one to provoke him. "For you it might be just another one night stay that you forget all about very next morning, but I'm different." I stood up fixing my clothes. "I take male to bed only when I have feelings for him and vice versa." He frowned, ready to say something. "I'm trying to say.. for me it isn't just sex.. To do it, I need real relationship, real feelings, security.. Lust isn't enough. I'm sorry." I left quickly and he didn't try to stop me this time.

Next day early in the morning I left to collect data at camps. Work helped me to forget about that night, but as soon as I stopped, it all returned. The most scary thing was to return back to Velaris and meet him. So I extended my stay as much as possible.

Four months later I was sitting in a sitting room of River House, chatting with Feyre and Mor by the fireplace after the family dinner. I collected all data to get some presentable results and currently I was half through writing in down. (Just between us, the rumors have proven to be true. Larger wingspan equals bigger you-know-what)

It was few weeks since I returned to Velaris and so far Azriel was avoiding me as much as possible. When we happened to be in the same room, he didn't even acknowledge me, looking the other side. So much for my fear.

Did it hurt? As hell. He was my friend. The feelings he awakened that night also didn't disappear over night, haunting me down every spare minute I had. I pushed them deep down, but it was too late. I'd already fallen for him.

During our stay at camps, Mor found out that something must have happened before we left, but she'd never asked about it. Which I was very grateful for. I wasn't ready to talk about it.

Now she kept peeking somewhere behind me, biting on her lower lip, unusually silent. Something was obviously bothering her. I could ask her straight away, but I decided to give her 5 minutes to see if she would start to talk on her own. It took exactly 3 minutes.

"Uhm, Y/N, tell me. Something happened between you and Az?"

"I may have hurt his male ego. Why?" I replied as casually as possible.

"He keeps eyeing you and I know that look too well. He watched me like that for five centuries, but it's never turned into something so... Desperate?" She turned to Feyre. "What do you think?"

Feyre inconspicuously peeked behind me, too. "Yeah, definitely desperate. And sad. Rhys said that lately he isn't himself. As if something was wrong with him? Maybe bothered him? But he won't talk about it."

Mor nodded. I had the urge to turn around and see for myself, but I resisted.

"What happened?" Mor asked and Feyre leaned closer, eager for details.

"Well, he kind of misunderstood the situation.. and I told him.. that I don't do the one night stay thing.."

"He actually went after you?" Mor beamed lowering her voice.

"Not really. I might have provoked him a bit," I reluctantly admitted.

They giggled like small girls, looking at each other.

"Y/N, believe me when I tell you that you can't provoke him," Mor whispered enthusiastically. "Nobody is able to break him. He is like.. granite."

"There must be something more behind it," Feyre added. "You should go and talk to him."

"You should," Mor agreed. "He looks to be on the verge of total breakdown." She again peeked behind me. "Go. Right. Now."

They both gave me nod, stood up and moved to another chat group. I stayed alone, just like Azriel who sat in an alcove with window behind me. I inhaled deeply, slowly breathing out. I could at least give it a try. Standing up I took my glass and walked to him.

"Hey."

"Hey," he answered lowly. I hardly heard him. His face was as unreadable as usually, but his impossibly beautiful hazel eyes.. Yeah, they were right. He looked to be on verge of breakdown. Even his posture was all wrong. Slumped shoulders, hunched over, wings hanging down. The shadows hoovered around him like embodiment of his current mood.

"Everything alright?"

He nodded looking away. Ouch. He didn't want to talk with me. I probably hurt his ego more than I thought. I was lost for words. Did he expect me to apologise? I certainly wouldn't do that. I had every right to stop him back then.

Oh, male and their ego. Suddenly memories of my ex flooded my mind. And I got mad. Rage was the only emotion that never disappeared completely nor healed.

I turned around, ready to leave before I could take it out on the wrong person. Strong fingers wrapped around my arm, stopping me. They held me gently, but firmly. I looked back at Azriel and all the rage was gone instantly.

"Would you mind to it down with me?"

I couldn't speak, still shocked by the pain in his eyes. Just when I was seated in the alcove, he released me and sat back down, too. Silence stretched between us.

"I meant to say this much sooner," he started slowly. "I'm so sorry for my poor behaviour. I'm so ashamed." My fingers curled into fist, but I didn't dare to interrupt him. "I know you were just joking to make me feel better, to relax. I knew it even back then. I wish I could explain why I did it, but I can't. I was.. dick."

And how big dick. I had to bite down on my lip to stop myself. This was serious situation. But in all seriousness, he broke the records. Nobody had bigger than him.

"I should have covered with towel as you asked me. I shouldn't have stopped you. I shouldn't have kissed you," he whispered the last sentence. "I should even be sorry that I kissed you, but I am not. I wanted it. Really wanted. Still want it. I'm trash." He stood up quickly. I managed to pull him back down before he could run away. My pulse skyrocketed.

Waitwaitwait. Had he just said that he still wanted to kiss me? My rational part demanded answers. I had to solve this question before my reckless heart could come to own conclusion. I didn't need another heartbreak.

I looked deep into his eyes. I looked only for truth and nothing else. "Tell me, Az, why? Why do you still want it?"

He blushed fiercely and tried to look away, but I wouldn't let him. "Please."

"I..love you," he whispered and my heart stopped for second only to start racing at a crazy pace later.

I wasn't sure he really said that. That must be just my imagination, right? I gazed at beautiful, elegant Elain with big doe eyes sitting on the other side of room, laughing with her sisters. Yeah, I imagined it. But when my eyes slid back to him, he was gazing right back, tensed, waiting.

"I'm sorry. I think I misheard," I smiled nervously.

"I said.. I love you," Azriel repeated quietly, but clearly.

A single tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't think. I couldn't. I just surged forward and hugged him. He stiffened for a heartbeat and then his strong arms wrapped around me and held me firmly. Another tear followed the first one and then another, until it turned into an endless stream. I felt a cool touch of his shadows. They hid us from prying eyes. Or so I thought.

World tilted to the side and we were in my office where it all had started.

"More private," Azriel whispered when I released him to take a look around, confused.

I quickly wiped tears away. "Oh." I still wasn't ready to talk. My head was a total mess. Love. Azriel just told me he loved me. And he was still waiting for my answer. But I wasn't currently able to put the words together to make even a simple sentence.

"Do you need water?" he offered, helping me to sit to an armchair, the very same armchair where he.. Nope, I couldn't think about it now. It would be too much.

What was the question? Ah, water.. Did I need it? I nodded anyway and he handed me a glass. I emptied it immediately.

Azriel watched me carefully as if I could explode any second. I was trying to find something to ground me and my eyes fell to the notebook. "Wingspan," I blurted. His brows furrowed. "You have the largest wingspan."

He huffed in amusement. "Do I?" Azriel took a step back, his eyes were sad again.

Maybe I was crazy, but I reached out and pulled him down on me. "I believe I still haven't repaid for your help."

He shook his head. " You don't have to-"

"I want." I cupped his cheeks between my hands. He hesitated searching my face, his body tensed above me.

Azriel slowly leaned down and kissed me. It was nothing like the last kiss driven by lust and desire. This kiss was careful, exploring. I pushed against his shoulder and we exchanged our positions.

Just like the last time, Azriel was sitting in the armchair and I was above him. I made sure there was space between us. I didn't want to provoke him, sex was out of the question yet. He knew it, too, and kept his hands on my waist.

I deepened the kiss and soon enough we both turned into a panting mess. Azriel's moan startled me.

"I'm sorry," he rasped.

I giggled. "You moaned back then, too."

"I can't help it," he smiled. Azriel leaned forward, keeping small space between us. He hid his face in the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply again and again. "Touch them."

I swallowed. "What?"

"You can touch them," he spread his wings wide around us. "I've never allowed anybody to touch them. But now I want you to do so."

I was speechless second time today. Sacred Illyrian wings and he asked me to touch them. This was Illyrian way to say he trusted me. He trusted me even with his life.

I ran my fingers through his soft hair. "You know that.. there will be no sex today nor any time soon.." I hoped it came out as a joke. Truthful, but still joke.

He laughed breathlessly. "I know. That doesn't change the fact I want you to touch them. You said you want to repay me. So please.." He kissed the sensitive spot under my ear.

He got me there. If he only knew what he had called upon himself. I wanted to touch them, badly, but not only because they were his. I wanted it because I was the damn researcher which equals to a monster at times. I longed to feel the texture of the skin, to feel every single bone and muscle in them, everything.

"Are you really sure about this?" My attention was already trained on the beautiful enormous wings around me. This was his last chance to back out of this.

"Absolutely. So put those damn little hands of yours on them already," he rasped, landing another kiss to that sensitive spot.

He didn't need to repeat it again.

I gasped as tips of my fingers traced the soft skin around the bone. It. Was. Perfect. I expected them to be cold and rough to touch. Even though I touched him just lightly, I could feel every single muscle, even the smallest ones. The bone seemed to be so fragile and strong at the same time. Skin was so warm, stretchy and impossibly soft like baby's skin. I mapped every vein running through the membranes, his pulse drumming under my hands. I traced every scarred tissue I found, paying it extra attention.

I was so immersed into exploring his wings that I hadn't noticed what my curiosity did to Azriel until he came under me with a wall shattering roar. I winced, looking down at him.

His head was tilted back, eyes closed tightly. He was trembling and panting, his broad chest heaving heavily. Streams of sweat were running down the column of his exposed neck. His hands were fisting the material of armrests so tightly he almost torn it into shreds.

I couldn't believe I'd missed something so..amazing. Azriel was a piece of art in every possible meaning. My fingers traced the vein that bobbed out on his neck. He shuddered, his eyes slowly opened, looking up at me. Shadowsinger smiled weakly. "Only you can do this to me," his voice was hoarse.

I brushed away a damp strand of hair that fell to his forehead. My heart was beating wildly as I leaned in and kissed him slowly and deeply. His hands embraced me, pulling me closer.

"I love you," I whispered to his mouth.

I wasn't scared anymore. In this very moment I was more confident than ever that I would spend the rest of my life with this perfect male. Because he was mine and I was his.

#english isnt my first language #azriel fanfic #azriel x reader #az x reader #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar #azriel angst #azriel #acotar x reader #acotar fanfiction #acotar #sarah j maas

[technicolouredmonochrome]

so i've been falling down the danmei productions (chinese censored productions of BL novels) rabbit hole and i've figured out the basic BL starter pack:

1. BANTER. the two protagonists need to make a ton of thinly veiled jokes at each other about being in love. because censors! so in order to get any of it aired it's all gotta be nudge nudge wink wink. let me insert an episode where everyone suddenly acts out of character due to magic! or let me make the shameless one dress as a woman for an episode! they will find any and every way to let the two leads f l i r t and make us all wonder: why don't these two just get married already?

2. YEARNING. because if one half of our main couple has not waited at least 10 years for the other to either show up in their life or resurrect from the dead, are they really in love?

3. OPPOSITES ATTRACT. we need the flirty one! endlessly grinning and touching and teasing the silent one! and the cold quiet one is only soft for the sunshine one! how else can we know that their love is true!

4. SUFFERING. and i mean SUFFERING. dead parents. entire families annihilated. torture. tragic backstories abound. these men have never known happiness until they've met their other half. and then all they want to do is watch the world burn together. (and can we really blame them for that?)

5. ACTS OF ("brotherly") LOVE. they were brothers, historians would say, but they're almost always nearly dying for each other, and longing after each other, and siding with each other against the entire world.

5.1 OH BUT THEY WERE IN LOVE IN LOVE. there's gotta be at least one scene somewhere when our two main protagonists speculate about their possible future together. especially if it's just before some incredibly terrifyingly intense climax of the story (where one of our leads may *gasps* die) they talk about running a noodle shop together, or roaming the world together, or travelling from town to town fighting crime together.

5.2 AND THEY WERE SOULMATES. the word soulmates comes up somewhere. it technically translates to confidant (or person who knows me) but. if the translators decide to subtitle it as soulmate who am i to tell them otherwise.

6. FOUND FAMILY. they also have to adopt a kid who's gonna follow them through their adventures. sometimes it's two kids, sometimes it's a whole baseball team of children (of all ages and genders, they are incredibly inclusive on this point in this way). these kids are going to represent every single viewer, watching the main leads flirt while wondering, why don't i have two dads? why must one always go away and leave me behind? why is it always the rich dad that's gotta go? please come back and feed me and my poor papa we are starving rich dad.

i could keep going but these are the main requirements in our basic chinese BL novel adaptation starter packs. oh also most of the budget goes into hiring the two most attractive main leads possible and you get to watch as the cgi gets worse episode after episode as the show loses funding through its run. but it doesn't matter because these two men are clearly in love and i'm still 100% here for it.

#chinese BL novel adaptations #the untamed #guardian #word of honor #the sleuth of ming dynasty #a league of nobleman #technically that last one was not a BL but #they broke up at some point and each fed their shared custody kittens #so i'm counting it

[esmedelacroix]

Coffee Shop Love Pt.6

pairing: miguel o'hara x f!reader

summary: He's as stern and cold as the snow falling from the sky blanketing the bustling streets of Nueva York, Miguel O'Hara stumbles upon a hidden gem of a coffee shop just around the corner from Alchemax. Only problem is the annoying-as-shit smiley-ass barista.

contents: slow burn, no use of y/n, fluffy, not proofread, literally the fluffiest of fluffs, a little drama at the end

author's note: Hey lovies, whoo! Two chapters today! Consider it my apology for being so inactive lately. But don't worry loves I'm back on track. A like, comment, or repost is always appreciated. Hope you like this chapter, the cliffhanger not so much >.<, enjoy...

word count: 1.5k

Pt.1, Pt.2, Pt.3, Pt.4, Pt. 5, Pt.6, Pt.7, Sequel: Sweet Tooth

That morning you were so lost in the ridiculous amount of people coming for coffee that you didn't even realize that Miguel hadn't shown up that morning. "Which is so weird because he always comes for coffee in the morning, sometimes again midday then he comes at night and stays a while," you explained to Estella over muffins and Earl Grey tea.

"Alright girl, first of all, why are you this worried about it? It's probably nothing," Estella reassured.

"It can't be nothing, we slept together days ago when the blizzard happened, and he cuddled multiple times!" you exclaimed, as Estella almost choked on her drink.

"You had sex?!" she blurted out shockingly.

"No, no we just like, slept in the same bed, my bed," you muttered, trying to draw the attention away from the two of you.

"Wait, I'm confused, why was he even in your house?!" she questioned.

You explained the whole situation with the amber alert and filled her in on the day that you had spent with Miguel. The more you explained, the more her jaw dropped.

"Wait, now I'm confused, what is your relationship with him?" Estella asked, taking a bite out of a muffin.

"I'm not even sure, we've had this strange chemistry ever since we met," you explained.

"I'd say give a day or two maybe he's like, at work, or living his life?" she joked sarcastically.

"I'm gonna kill you, Estella! Get out of my shop!" you joked as you pushed her out. She laughed along and waved before heading back to the shelter where she worked.

Your break was over and the lunch rush was just about to happen. Still no Miguel, you were starting to wonder if you had done something wrong. No, it makes no sense to think that way, I know I did nothing. I wonder if he misses me this much as well, you thought to yourself as you began to make people's orders.

The day went by very slowly. You sat by the counter at 8 pm, chin propped up on your hand, as fatigue drooped your head down. Just then the bells rang. Your head shot up immediately hoping there would be a tall, dark, and handsome man standing there before you. But it was just Mr. Smith. Probably here to collect the rent. "Good Evening Baby, I've come here for something, but I forget what it is... maybe a drink?" he trails off as he looks up at the menu.

"No Mr. Smith, you're here for the rent. It's too late for you to have coffee," you explained. He smiled and nodded.

"That's right dear, silly me," he said. You handed him an envelope with the rent for the month and waved goodbye after sending him off with a candy cane.

You let out an exasperated sigh as you plopped into a chair and waited to see if Miguel would show up. Why do I miss him so much? What are my feelings for him? You asked yourself as you got up to lock up.

That night you slept wishing to see Miguel walk through those doors in the morning. But to no avail, he didn't show up that morning, or for lunch, or that night. You opened your phone for any notifications from him but nothing. You gave him a call but his phone was turned off. You decide to leave him a voicemail.

"Hey Miguel, It's been a while since we've seen each other. The shop’s really boring without you here, come by for a coffee soon, I know you can't go a single day without having like 3 cups, I miss you, and I'm pretty sure I like you" you said. You had no idea where that last part came from and you fumbled to delete it somehow but what was done was done. You hoped that he wouldn't listen to it. Besides he was a businessman he had better things to do.

That night you slept wondering where he was and why he would come see you. He was cuddling you one day, then you never saw him. Does he like me, or does he not? You asked yourself. You allowed your mind to rest and went to sleep.

The next morning you got through the rush just fine and went on break while mentally preparing yourself for the lunch rush. Miguel was nowhere to be seen but you didn't panic as much as the days before. You had hoped that maybe he would show up tonight and you would scold him for disappearing without notice.

So as you lay your head on the counter bored out of your mind, the shop bells rang. You headshot up as usual and there you saw him. Tall, dark, handsome, and stuck in the mistletoe again. "I told you, you have to get a taller door frame," he joked as walked in. You chuckled at his joke holding yourself back from rushing to him and hugging him.

"Where have you been Miguel?" you asked him softly, unable to wipe the upside-down smile off your face.

"Surprisingly enough, the second I walked into work I was rushed onto a last-minute retreat at another lab. It's one of those classified things where we turn our phones off. I'm sorry I could let you know Baby," he said softly.

"It's no problem, but this other lab... was it nice? Good coffee?" you asked skeptically.

"Yeah, it was alright—" Miguel started.

"Ha! I knew it! Miguel, have you been seeing another barista?" you jokingly asked him. Just then she heard a low sound break the silence between them. He had never fully laughed around her, but once she heard it, it was music to her ears. I would become a stand-up comedian if it meant hearing this beautiful laugh all day, you thought to yourself.

"Oh Baby, I've missed you so much," he confessed with a few chuckles.

"Alright then, sit down and lemme make you a coffee that will top whatever you drank at that 'other lab'," you said motioning for him to take a seat at his usual table.

Instead of taking his laptop out and getting straight to work, he just watched you. He watched you make the most simple but best coffee he had ever tasted. Once he took a sip, it felt like home. "This is that special brew you used at your place isn't it?" he asked with an amused smile.

"Yeah, I figured since you liked it so much, I would make you a nice big cup of it," you explained as you took a seat across from him.

You and Miguel caught each other up on the events that had passed while you were apart. Miguel couldn't stop talking about how much he learned at this fancy schmancy lab he visited with Alchemax in Washington D.C. and how much he learned about quantum physics. You didn't understand half of the terms he was using but that didn't matter because at least he was having a good time. Seeing him talking about something he was passionate about set fireworks off in your chest. You filled him in on the usual Café gossip and drama that was going on.

It was a lovely night of shared laughs and stories but it had to come to an end at some point. Just when he was about to leave you decided to ask him about the voicemail you had sent. "Miguel, did you ever listen to my voicemail?" you asked.

"No, I didn't have the time, should I?" he answered.

"No, just delete it. What I said was pretty embarrassing," you admitted.

"Well now I’m dying to hear it," he teased.

"Oh please don't," you whined.

"Too late!" he called out as he stepped out to his car and visibly pressed the button.

You begged God to allow the earth to swallow you whole and just began to wipe the counter. Just then the door swung open with violent speed and the bells rang crazily. You turned around to see Miguel out of breath holding his phone in one hand, running his hand through his hair with the other. "Baby?" he huffed completely out of breath from running back to the store the second he heard the voicemail.

"Did you mean what you said in that voicemail?" he asked in disbelief.

"I mean, yeah, I guess, but—" you started. But Miguel held his hand up for you to stop. you took that sudden motion as defeat. He doesn't think the same way, you realize in complete despair.

Next Pt.7...

taglist:

@iite-cool@jewelz-teehe@br0-please@thesilenthill@d1lf-loverrr@corpsebridenightamare@laysmt@bitchystrawberrystudent@lotionlamp@local-mr-frog@scaleniusrm@migueloharastruelove@thedevax@veyveys@amber-content

#miguel o hara #miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel x you #miguel o'hara x you #astv miguel #across the spiderverse #spiderman 2099 x reader #spider man atsv #spiderman into the spiderverse #spiderman across the spiderverse #astv x reader #miguel fanfic #miguel o #miguel o'hara fluff #miguel o hara fluff #miguel spiderverse #miguel spiderman #atsv miguel #miguel o'hara fanfiction #miguel imagine #spiderman 2099 #miguel o hara x reader #miguel fluff

[hajihiko]

Ahhh, I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I'm curious to know what changed Hajime/Izuru's mind in the universe your art takes place in? Like, what made him go from not caring about anything because everything was boring and meaningless, to trying to enjoy life?

I don't really remember what it was in the anime, but it was probably hope. And like, that makes sense if you think about it, considering that's the definition of hope, but hope doesn't usually just happen like that, you know? Especially not to someone who probably had never felt it since the whole Ultimate Hope thing (ironically). In my mind, it's hard to imagine what it could have been, considering nothing ever phased him. I know that whatever gave him hope doesn't have to be that deep, because that's how it is sometimes, but I was wondering what you think it could have been (or more importantly, what you consider it to be in your art)!

Also, this is kinda unrelated, but I find it so cool how much your art makes me really think about the characters. It's amazing how you're able to really see how you've fleshed out the characters through you art, and honestly, you are probably one of my favourite artists because of it.

But anyway, sorry about this long and random rant 😭 Idk why I spend my time analyzing the character and point of view of fictional characters, but I guess sometimes the ADHD brain goes brrrrrr.

Thank you for sharing your art; I hope have a great day or night!

depends on the universe! But I'll assume you mean my general post-game stuff.

I've said it somewhere before so if it's old bread to you bear with me, but basically, it was a genuine dedication to face the big horrible awful feelings that come with trauma and life in general, and also the brain boost of getting to skip the slow growing part even for just a while.

My idea is that Izuru and Hajime are not two separate identities, rather, an amnesiac and horribly traumatized boy was given a moniker he didn't care to accept or deny. It's not like he had any other name to go by. That was Izuru Kamukura.

The brain has these neural pathways of how it responds to things, and his all got burnt out so he could respond with an appropriate talent each time. As a very simplified example, someone might respon to threat with the Flight response, because it worked in a dire situation and the brain decided "that saved us, this is how we will respond from now on".

Hajime, in the game, gets a sudden bump out of those pathways, enabling him to feel things properly and be fully present in his life. Thematically, the big Super Sayian moment is him deciding to not fall into old, but true and tried, brain patterns, and instead taking on the horrific experience of being human, with all the messy Emotions and Failures that comes with it.

When he wakes up from the game, he still struggles, but the artificial boost from his old thinking as well as a conscious, strenuous, painful effort to not repress himself anymore but instead face the things that he did and were done to him, make him able to carve himself into a new Him.

Not the same, in the sense that WHO could say they're the same as they were before a simulated murder game that revealed that you were a killing machine terrorist and so were your friends. But the same as in, he's Hajime Hinata and he decides what exactly that means. To want is an emotion, and he wants to become someone who can experience life fully, and chasing that single feeling of Want opens up the doors to everything else. You might've heard this before but "before you change, you have to want to change".

So in short. What enabled him to get Hopeful so to speak was the combination of a brain kick (you could call that a metaphor for outside help), and a concrete decision to try to do the difficult but right thing. Sounds kind of boring maybe, but everything else comes later - like his interest and care for his friends, an enjoyment of philosophy and the arts, a pleasure from being useful and helpful, a serenity from accepting things as they are, and a thrill that comes with strong genuine emotion (from my own life, sometimes a single moment of !!!! can carry you on for months).

Yes the whole thing is a metaphor for getting better with mental health stuff. It's personal to me okay 😂

(also I like the idea from Miggys fic that his human connections override the apathy and distance so as long as he's around the people he loves he can hold onto what keeps him going)

I love thinking about and building on characters too! Spending tons of time inspecting them like a specimen 🤝 people (and therefore characters) are very interesting to me so I just like rolling them around my brain. Thank you for your interest and kind words!

#not an art #Talky talky #Hioe this answer suffices

[qawcamiz]

ARE YOU FREE?

VAL + MLIST ; Happy Valentine's! It doesn't intrude on anyone if you'll be spending the particular day this month brings in, alone, we can spend it together with these one-shots I've prepared just for you, hoping it would send passion to you.

[ male ver. ] — Albedo, Bennett, Scaramouche, & Venti

ALBEDO

We all know Albedo is a busy person and he’s always on the road to get his work done like it was a duty of some sort. He's just always assured, kind, and people respect him for that and they're always delighted whenever they see him around.

now, it's just all strange for him to be toiling right now, So, why? that's because he's been aiming to ask a specific person out on a date but... He's anxious, he admits that.

After all, who wouldn't? your smile, appearance, and demeanor, everything about you is flawless, no matter what it looks like from an outside perspective. He knows that, he has glimpsed it a ton of times before, and yet... It still makes his stomach do distracting flips every time you look at him, how warmly you beam at him, how your eyes glow with such happiness whenever you speak to him.

—

One day, he (finally) went to your apartment, You were there already, of course, as you always were. you were occupied by the book you're going over since you seem to enjoy reading those sometimes, Albedo thought, he wouldn't mind reading books you're interested in just so he could have more chatters with you, he loves having conversations with you, he really does.

"...Pardon?" you peeked up from your book and stared at him as if he suddenly sprouted new heads in front of your face, he blinks back confused. "ah—... I was wondering if you're free this whole week, so I could take you out on a date." he asked, hoping he didn't sound too eager or needy.

Oh. oh boy, he said that, didn't he? you look at him with sparkling eyes, "A-Are you sure...? Don't you have other things to do? I mean, I don't want to burden you with—" you tried to reason, but his hand covering yours interrupted you, he smiles softly at you.

"I... Want to be able to spend this year's Valentine's with... you... so if you'd let me..." he smiled shyly at you. You can feel your heart warming at how adorable he's being, right now. "Besides, It's always you asking me to spend my days with you, so I want to return the favor. So please, let me treat you this Valentine's Day," he added in a whisper, making your heart thud wildly against your chest.

you couldn't help yourself, you felt the same butterflies he gives you every single time he says something like this, "not just for that upcoming day, I like the idea of spending my next year's valentines with you as well." You blush slightly and look down shyly, you feel his gentle fingers lifting your chin to make you look at him again. "so...?"

"Of course, I would go out with you... Like usual." you covered your whole face with your hands, embarrassed but also relieved and happy at the same time, you turn red and he thinks it makes you look even more adorable.

BENNETT

Bennett had gotten used to how his everyday work, thanks to his extraordinarily bad luck in life was going to be the same way every day. He couldn't believe that he actually thought of asking you out for the upcoming Valentine's When he know you'd just deny his request just like everyone else.

The past years were just him attempting to get a date with somebody, but it never appeared to work out for him. It all ended the same way as it always did, and he didn't want to go back to living in that embarrassing state ever again. He would rather keep living an average life with just one date at a time, than risk it.

But the idea of going on a date and being able to spend the whole day with you, or at least an hour, sounded like heaven. If only there was a way for him to have the guts to do it, that is.

—

"Y-Y/n... Have you planned how you'll be spending your Valentine's yet?" He had managed to ask you once during lunch break. It felt weird talking about such a personal thing, even though the two of you were practically best friends by now.

you gave him a weird look, before responding, "Hm maybe, maybe not. Unless you're planning on asking me out?" you asked with a teasing grin. You had been trying to make him flustered since you both met each other four months ago at the library, and guess what? it always works.

Your sudden statement made him flustered, causing him to blush to deepened, even deeper than the color of a tomato itself, Even though the two of you already knew each other pretty well, he still get embarrassed whenever you say something like that all of a sudden, You were always so confident whenever you talk with him.

He admired that kind of self-assurance you possess and the fact that you could be so secure around him as well. But then, when he thought back to earlier events, he realized that you were probably right this time. That you probably would've accepted his confession anyway. So why would he waste this chance?

It took him a while to accept that you didn't think of him as any sort of a jerk, just like everybody else, whatever! you're different than other people. here you were, flirting with him and letting out things like that. He just could never get enough of you.+if this was a dream, like what he think it is, he just prayed to archons to not let him wake up

SCARAMOUCHE

People knew Scaramouche is a bastard. No one would dare question, bother, or even irritate him. He doesn’t even try to hide his cruelty, but this demonstrates that people only look at somebody's negative characteristics when they don't have enough evidence of anything else to go off of. His personality was not the problem though, it’s what he does with it that was. It was like he didn’t know how to be anything other than unkind, he was a cruel person, That's what everyone thinks.

But this? This side of him making scenarios of spending Valentine's with a certain person? just weird as HELL and absolutely out of character for him. So, what was going on here?

He knows it's bizarre and all that he is doing is being creepy, but it doesn't mean he isn't a little bit eager over the idea of having to do something for someone, not at all, literally.

Seriously, though, the thought of doing something that's purely for Valentine's? the idea of receiving gifts that can also serve as a way to make the recipient feel special and worshiped? that's what he yearns for. It makes him pleased, it makes him feel adequate, it makes him feel particular, that's why he wants to give you gifts to let you attain that feeling,

—

"Hey, Y/n." he greets you gently once he walks into the classroom. Your head snaps up, your eyes locking onto his own before widening slightly. He sneered, offering a small wave which you return timidly as he takes the seat in front of you.

"What?" you ask, baffled. "Do you want me to give you the answer to the questions I'm supposed to for the analysis—" You were about to continue, but he held up his hand.

"Nah," he responds casually, leaning against the seat and folding his arms behind his head. "Then what do you need?" you rolled your eyes at him, that's what he had always found interesting about you, being able to talk to him without actually being scared just like other people, he wasn't sure why that was so attractive to him.

"Oh come on, I haven't seen you since earlier. I've been dying to talk to you again." he grinned, leaning forward in anticipation of your response. He was genuinely curious as to how your day went, seeing as no one ever talked to you unless it was for class, well...that's how he saw it anyway.

"Just go straight to the point."

"Fine, will you go on a date with me?" You raised an eyebrow at him, shocked by the question. You didn't see him as a person who took an interest in going on dates, so hearing him asking if you were available seemed odd to say the least, "Actually, Scratch that. You'll be going out with me." He corrected himself. You blinked at him once more, "I didn't even say anything yet!" Your eyes squint, As Expected, this dude wouldn't take no for an answer, he's going to try and force you into saying yes.

VENTI

So Valentine's huh? It's where people spend the day with the person they like, is it? Venti thought maybe he should ask you out, you'd accept right? of course you would.

you're the kindest, gentlest soul Venti has ever met, so it only brings in the sense that his heart could be the property of someone as gentle and sweet and caring as you.

But imagine how you'd reject his offer like how he discovered that you rejected others as well? He's not sure if his heart could handle being rejected by the most amazing person in the world, if you rejected him, he would just let the floor swallow him whole.

He knew that was too much to hope for him, but he couldn't help himself at the same time. If your heart belonged to someone else he would be able to move on without any pain, but if it didn't then he wouldn't know what to do with himself anymore. His emotions were all over the place lately.

He wouldn't be able to survive another rejection or even think about having one. His chest is already full enough with the two previous times your rejection crushed him into a million pieces. I mean, Not like you rejected him directly, you just kind of didn't get his pick-up line that (no offense but it did...) sounded stupid.

—

"W-What?! You're seriously not planning to take me on a 'wine' date, are you?" you asked incredulously, raising your eyebrow in annoyance.

Venti's face lit up like a child when he heard you say, "Hm? What? I suddenly can't hear anything! Bleh— of course not! What do you take me for, huh? Also even If I'm planning to do that which I am, I have enough money to treat the both of us, don't you worry, heh!"

You rolled your eyes and sighed, "if you made me pay for our date I'll kill you." you said, trying not to look as flustered as you felt. You had been with Venti for almost three months now since he confessed to you during his latest birthday party when he was drunk off his ass and he said he wanted to go on a date with you. And every time it gets better and better.

#genshin impact #genshin impact headcanons #genshin imagines #genshin headcanons #genshin impact imagines #genshin albedo #albedo x reader #albedo kreideprinz #albedo #genshin bennett #bennett x reader #bennett #scaramouche x reader #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche #genshin kunikuzushi #kunikuzushi x reader #kunikuzushi #wanderer x reader #wanderer #genshin wanderer #venti x reader #venti #genshin venti #genshin impact fluff #genshin fluff #fluff

[fanficwriters-posts]

Hiro hamada x spiderman! Reader

Nobody knew reader was spiderman until reader swoops in, in their spidersuit, and saves the main 6 from a villian they couldn't beat. But ends up getting super hurt and having to take their mask off.

That sounds interesting and inspiring! 😃

Hiro Hamada x Spiderman!reader

It was like any other day in a normal human life. I got out of bed, take a quick shower, brush my teeth, pick out my clothes, put on the clothes, grab my necessary items for school and my homework, go downstairs, eat my breakfast my mother prepared for me, kiss my parents' cheeks before i leave to go to Hiro's place.

I do it every single day, it's just the same routine. Until one day...

There was a school field trip to this campus in New York City and mostly it was because Professor Granville didn't want any of us to slack off while she's away so she decided to bring us with her and make us learn about Alchemax with Doctor Octavius being our tour guide.

I got a little bored and was sidetracked with this spider that has a 42 number on its back. I was sorta staring for a few seconds until Doctor Octavius caught my attention away from it and lead us into another room. I didn't even realize the spider escaped its closure. Not did i felt it crawling up my pants and to my hand.

When Doctor Octavius introduced us to one of their latest inventions, i was amazed and wanted to take a picture. That's when i saw the spider. It bit me and i nearly drop my phone from shock. I grab it from the back of my hand and i put it on a table so no one will notice.

Hiro came over to me, i think he saw me when the spider bit my hand. He checked to see what was wrong and I just told him that my hands were just shaking from excitement. He found that amusing and grab my good hand to bring me back to the rest of the group.

Thankfully, that was the end of the tour and we all got home. Me? I was sweating the whole way back so i went straight to my home. A lot of things happened.

I ran really fast like i don't usually do, I can jump really high, i can hear almost everything that's going on, I can even stick to anything. Walls, metal poles, etc. But what made me so shocked is that i can shoot spiderwebs from my wrists. I found that out when i put down my backpack and try to reach for the bathroom.

I decided to experiment on myself and turns out, i have super-strength. I've seen these in the Spider-Man comic books and i didn't think it would happen to me, too. I was so psyched about it but... i didn't tell any of my friends. I was scared that they might report this to professor Granville and have me change back to normal.

But, i wanted to be a hero. Like those Big Hero 6 guys. So, i trained myself in this old, abandoned factory that i can use as my training arena. Of course, i had to put everything together first before i can start.

I've been training myself for 3 months just so i can do everything perfect. Somehow, in the process, i didn't realize that i got myself sorta fit and tough. I even cut my hair a little shorter.

Once i know i'm ready, i started designing my suit while watching the news about the Big Hero 6. Sometimes, i write down the villains and their powers in my notebook that i keep to myself.

And if you're wondering, what about school? Yes, i still go to school and everything went on smoothly. Though, sometimes they ask during the first week about why i'm so happy but i just tell them that the Alchemax field trip made a whole new perspective in my life.

I did everything i could to keep my secret from everyone and it works so well. And now, i'm a new superhero of San Fransokyo. (Hero name)! Heck yeah! I saved a bunch of people, get interviewed by the press, even got my own superhero action figure. Everything went smoothly on my side but with all the homework that started piling up, i couldn't keep up and let everything to the Big Hero 6.

I wasn't aware of what the villains were up to behind my back.

Present time

I'm in Hiro's lab doing my homework per usual but this time he wasn't here or Baymax. I called him and he said he had to help around in the cafe with Baymax before he gets here. I just said, "Take your time." And "Love you." Before we hung up.

When i set down my pen, a notification appear on the screen of my phone while i was watching (Favorite Cartoon Series) and i press it.

"This just in, a group of robot has attacked downtown and with Big Hero 6 on the job- Wait, sorry." The news reporter spoke before he press the earpiece he has on. "Oh! It looks like the Big Hero 6 are down. Take it away, Carol." The screen switches to another news reporter and she's in a helicopter.

"Thank you, Bluff Dunder." Carol said to the microphone in her hand. "It seems like our heroes have been outnumbered by unknown robots and can't seem to find a way out of the corner. Our former lovable mascot, Noodle Burger Boy have gathered robot mascots from all around fast food restaurants into villainy. If only (Hero name) was here to aid them in their battle."

I couldn't believe my ears and immediately i texted Hiro that i needed to get home because my parents called me and change into my spider suit. I grab my things and my clothes into my backpack before i swing out of the campus and drop off my bag at my bedroom window.

I head straight to downtown and... Oh yeah! I can go camouflage mode but right now is not the best time to use it because these are robots we're fighting. They might have heat-signature visions, but it wouldn't hurt to try it out. I landed on the rooftop above the Big Hero 6 and i went camouflage mode as i slowly crawl down the building over the heroes and robots.

"There's no way of escaping, heroes! Give it up!" Noodle Burger Boy exclaims with this girl robot beside him and Hyper-Potamus on the other. There were a few other robots i've never seen before.

"What do you want with us, Noodle Burger Boy?" The guy in purple ask the robot, standing in front of his team.

"The whereabouts of the new superhero, (Hero name)." Noodle Burger Boy replied before the robot girl beside him speak up, "She can be of use as our ally."

"What? No way! She will never side with you! She doesn't even side with us! Because we never ask." Another hero spoke but he's wearing a blue monster suit.

"Then tell us where she is. 'Cause we'll make her." Noodle Burger Boy tells them before the rest of the robots got into stances, ready to attack.

"That's my cue." I muttered before i un-camouflaged myself and jump down between them.

"You wanted to see me, Noodle Burger Boy?" I ask him, my voice high and mighty.

"Oh! There she is!" Noodle Burger Boy tells his group of robots, clapping with joy.

"(Hero name), what are you doing here?" The guy in purple asks me, walking up to me. I look back to him and stop him.

"Stay back. This is gonna get a little ugly... For me." I tell him, my voice slightly deepen.

I turn back to the evil robots and i shot my web at one of them, swinging them to the others before i leap up and attack the rest. They fought back and of course, a hero such as myself cannot take on this many but i try to.

I took the fight elsewhere so that no one would get hurt, using my spiderwebs to swing me and let them chase after me. I landed on a dock and turn around to face them. Finally realizing how many there are.

"Oh, boy." I whisper in shock. They're made out of metal, i should've thought this through.

"No where left to run, (Hero name)!" The girl robot exclaim with a menacing grin before she shoots multiple rockets at my way.

I gasped and dodged it as my spider sense went off. I thought i was save for a couple of minutes until the robot, which i think is Crushroom, punched me so hard that it send me into a side of a boat.

I groaned and got myself out before i stick my feet and hand on the wall of a building. "Okay, this is a bit unfair, don't you think? I mean, there's literally some of you but you're made out of metal and i'm made out of flesh, myself."

I hear the Big Hero 6 coming from my right and i look up. When my eyes landed on the guy in purple, i feel a bit of familiarity to him. Like i knew him from somewhere. Obviously, behind that orange glass shield he has black hair but his face... Somehow...

And it's not right to be deep in thought when you're being chased by a bunch of robots is not highly recommended. My spider sense went off but i didn't have time to react before i was shot off of the wall and fall to the ground. I fell! A great 6 ft from the building and i think i got scratches on my suit because i was not full conscious.

I got up from the ground and i pant heavily from the great impact. I look up to the rest of the robots and i use this advantage to shoot my spiderwebs at their faces to blind their sights. The Big Hero 6 took care of them as soon as they arrived and i had to leave the scene but my limbs were aching with pain. And they're killing me!

Don't blame me. This is my first time getting actually hurt during a mission.

I hear the big red robot land behind me and help me stand up. "Are you alright, (Hero name)?" The robot asks, his voice calming.

"Yeah. I put my guard down for a second and they just shoot me." I replied, holding my side. I look up to the rest of the team and i think a quarter of my mask was torn.

"What were you thinking taking those crazy robots on your own?! You could've died!" The big guy in green exclaimed at me with worry.

"Not to mention putting your life at risk just to save ours." A girl in pink with long blond hair spoke softly.

"Super cool! But dangerous. But SUPER AWESOME!" The guy in blue yell with excitement.

"You could've asked us to help you." The guy in purple steps up, his height same as mine but i was sorta bend down from the pain.

"Yeah. I just... You guys were already in trouble. I just wanted to give you guys a break." I tell them.

I grunt in pain as my side aches even more and i nearly fall forward but the guy in purple caught me before i hit the ground.

"My boyfriend will not like this at all." I muttered under my breath as i let him support me.

"Your body cannot take anymore muscle use and you have a cut on your face. In order for me to heal you, you must take off your mask." The giant red robot said before he approaches me.

My eyes widen and i hold out my hand. "No, no, no! The hospital is fine! You don't have to heal me." I say quickly, holding the guy in purple's shoulder.

"Oh, come on. You can hardly stand up by yourself, let alone swing back to the hospital." Said the girl in yellow.

I groan in defeat and look up to them. "I know where you can heal me, but, you have to promise to keep it a secret." I tell them.

All six of them agreed and took me to my training arena because i have first aid kit and a bed there. Not plain. I decorated them so that it doesn't look so bland.

The red robot lay me down on the bed while the others look around at the training place i build.

"You built this place yourself?" The girl in yellow asks, standing in front of one of my deadly obstacles.

"I like to challenge myself and make it a whole lot more interesting." I replied to her as the robot place a pillow behind my head.

"Huh." She muttered. "Awesome."

"Alright. Let's take off this mask of yours." The robot said. I sigh heavily.

"It's a big no-no. But from one hero to another, i guess." I say to him before i take off my mask and set it aside.

"(Name)?!"

I was startled by the sound of my name and i look up to the guy in purple with wide eyes. "Y-you know me?" I ask him nervously.

He walk towards me and take off his helmet. My eyes widen even more and i stare at him in shock. "Hiro?!" I exclaim in surprise.

The two of us stare at each other for a solid 5 minutes while the red robot heal the wounds on my body.

The rest of the BH6 came and take off their helmets which made my heart nearly jump out of my chest. I look at each of them before i look up to Hiro again.

"Wait, wait! You lied to me about help Aunt Cass?" I tell him, going to sit up but he held my shoulder and keep me down.

"Y-you lied to me about hanging out with this whole new group of friends when it turns out you were here! Training yourself!" Hiro said back.

I frown a little and look down to my lap. "I..." I sighed heavily and lay down on the bed. "I didn't want to tell you because i was afraid that you guys might tell Professor Granville and that she might take me back to Alchemax and make my powers disappear."

Hiro sit down on the edge of the bed beside me and he hold my hand. "So, this whole time you lied just so you can be a hero?"

"In my defense," I quickly said. "You guys inspired me to become one. I thought that with this power, i might be able to help but i just didn't have the guts to say anything, yet."

Hiro frown at that and he brush my hair out of my face. "And yet, here you are, laying on your bed with Baymax healing your wounds."

"I'm sorry for not telling you. For not telling any of you." I apologized, looking up to them with sincerity. "I know i'm supposed to trust you with this but..."

"Hey, don't worry about it, (Name). I mean, we hid all this from you. We should be the ones to apologize for not telling you that we're heroes." Honey Lemon speak up, walking towards me with a warm smile.

"We could've told you but someone didn't want to because he didn't want to risk your life." Fred steps in, looking at me with a smile.

I look up to Hiro from him and he just look away sheepishly with a blush across his face. I chuckled and i hold his hand. "Aww, really? That's so thoughtful of you!"

He smiled back as he turn his head back to me and he lean down and peck my forehead. "If any of them knew that you were connected to us, i wouldn't know what i would do if something happens to you, (Name)."

"You're my boyfriend, Hiro. You have all the right to be worried but you have to trust me with protecting myself. I can handle anything." I tell him to reassure him, my smile never falter.

Hiro chuckled and nod his head. "You're right. I should've told you and i should've listened to my friends, too."

"I told you she'd be cool about it." Fred tells them which made us all chuckle.

And let's just say that from now own, we tell each other everything and we help each other. I'm not part of the BH6 but i still help around. Hiro and i's relationship became stronger also mine with our friends.

With great power, come great responsibility. And that responsibility is protecting everyone i love and this city.

#big hero 6 #hiro hamada x reader #hiro hamada #bh6 wasabi #bh6 honey lemon #bh6 gogo #bh6 fred #across the spiderverse #spiderman #x reader

[thebreakfastgenie]

beejhawk 👀

LMAO I was just sitting here like "no one even bothers to send me beejhawk anymore" but bless you to the bottom of your pot-stirring heart, anon.

Don’t Ship It

Why don’t you ship it? I have several reasons, which I will get into it, but I'm going to start with this one: I like a happy ending. Beejhawk cannot be a happy ending to me. I'm not entirely convinced any Hawkeye/4077th ship being endgame can be a happy ending, even the ones I like. I want to see Hawkeye move on from the war, which is what GFA is setting him up to do. Beejhawk keeps him stuck with the war defining his life. That's depressing to me. In the larger narrative of Hawkeye's life, it's important to me that the war is unimportant. The war being how Hawkeye met the love of his life gives me the ick. It implicitly suggests the war was somehow worth it. I can't think of a single reason why I would ship it. I think the biggest reason is it's simply too OOC for me. I cannot believe that Hawkeye would be in love with BJ. That is not Hawkeye to me. I actually can believe that BJ would be in love with Hawkeye, even though BJ is extremely straight to me, but I can't see Hawkeye reciprocating, ever. I've read some beejhawk fic and a lot of posts, and the way Hawkeye behaves and is characterized doesn't just feel wrong to me, it feels wrong in the way I hate the most. BJ is usually wildly OOC too. The other big reason is the complete lack of chemistry. They have negative romantic chemistry to me. This is a much smaller reason, but the things people get from beejhawk I get from other ships that make more sense to me. For a best friends ship, I have piercentyre. If I want to ship Hawkeye with someone repressed, I have hawnk or houlihawk. Sometimes I joke about this but it's kind of true that I don't need beejhawk because I have hawnk. The Joke Is Wild? Hawnk did it first. I genuinely do not understand why beejhawk is a ship at all, except that they're the two main guys. If I didn't know how slash culture worked, I would have been shocked that it even existed. In the last few seasons, I'm not even convinced they like each other. I found myself asking "do these guys even like each other?" about the alleged best friends more than once, and I had to actively rev up my suspension of disbelief to enjoy their goodbye properly the first time I watched GFA. I very strongly dislike any framing of MASH as a love story, and I have yet to find beejhawk content that doesn't turn it into the Ballad of Hawkeye and BJ. Piercentyre is fun for me, because it really changes the show very little. Beejhawk requires me to rewire the entire show, and I don't want to. A lot of moments that I adore become less meaningful to me if they're shippy. For example, Where There's a Will, There's a War. "When I wake up remind me to give you a kiss" is an expression of BJ's profound relief and a wonderful resolution to the anxiety and guilt he's been feeling for the whole episode. It's hyperbole that only works because they don't normally kiss or want to kiss. It always brings to mind a lyric from a song about WWII: "and I never kissed so many men as on that afternoon." It's not about romance, it's about being glad to be alive. I just like the show better without beejhawk. I started out a little more neutral and my visceral revulsion built through overexposure. There was also an assumption that you shipped beejhawk that I really resented. Especially because of the implications around it being slash. I am gay, I ship gay ships, I ship other gay ships in MASH. I don't ship beejhawk. I'm not required to ship every single gay ship. So all those beejhawk posts about "gay people love this" or "gay people think that" bother me and turn me off even more.

What would have made you like it? Completely different acting/chemistry. Something completely different from what I ever see the fandom do with it. I could probably be sold on unrequited (BJ's side only) or unhappy ending beejhawk in fic if it was really well done. This is your chance to plug! I think a realistic handling of it would help too. The show gives me a BJ who is as far from leaving his family as a man can be. I need to be convinced that something would change that. Meta claiming he's actually close to leaving in the show does not work for me, it directly contradicts what I see. I need writers to dig into it. Actually show me the dissolution of BJ's marriage, the pain and consequences. Show me how he manages to stay in his daughter's life, if he does. Brokeback Mountain does not shy away from how badly Ennis treats his wife and how absent he is to his children. My experience with beejhawk is that much angst is made of the obstacles to their being together, but they're quickly dispatched with. Tell me what Hawkeye sees in BJ, because I don't see it in the show.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? It inspired me to make these. I've been thinking lately that this lyric fits beejhawk "perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies." If you know me, you know this is something positive from me, because it's from what I think is one of the best songs ever written. There is some interesting potential. Just get out of the true love box! Try something dark, something one-sided (BJ's side), something that ends badly! I do really like their friendship in the first few BJ seasons.

#i'm gonna stop there this could go on all night #mashposting #i welcome discussion on any of these points btw #you won't change my mind but it's fun to talk

[kitcat992]

Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I was thinking of you and sincerely hope life is being kind ❤️

I’ve read a few Irondad fics lately that have been so well articulated and beautifully written, and they’ve reminded me of your stories. But your work will always be the GOAT to me. Everything else I read is always compared to your version of the MCU, because that’s canon in my opinion.

I secretly love that your stories keep going, that Identity Within is still a WOP, because parting with a finished story when you reach the end… a story that you’ve grown to love and formed a bond with… it’s really hard to say goodbye. It feels a little like grief if I’m being honest.

I’ve lived in the joy of knowing that there’s no permanent end (yet) to the Identity Series for years now, and I’m actually really grateful that I haven’t had to read an ending or experience that final farewell.

I just wanted you to know that your work is so appreciated, and while I’m sure it weighs on you sometimes that the updates take a while and the series has been ongoing for a few years, it actually brings me so much comfort ❤️ You deserve to know that you make that difference for someone.

Life is being....SOMETHING to me 😅😫😩So when I say that this message rejuvenated the very essence of my soul, I truly mean it ❤️❤️❤️

I've had some very rough nights recently, thanks to the wonders of ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ stress ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟI've got front row tickets to the "when it rains, it pours" show, and to add onto that, I started a whole new career where I'm *running a freaking business.* Yeah, sleep doesn't really happen as often as it should for me.

And because I'm still trying to sleep, I don't keep my mind operating at such a capacity that I could do anything worthwhile other than watch Tiktoks re-read through my series for shits and giggles, because I wrote it having wanted to read these things, and now I can go back and have fun reading the story that was once all jammed packed into my head. And in doing this, I tend to remember comments that made my entire day, month, year, and so I go into my inbox and just....I just read all the comments, over and over again, with such a profound, appreciative, ecstatic, blessed feeling in my heart.

The love that everyone has had for this series is what makes me still so deep in love with it today. And hearing that from people like you, who are so kind to take a minute of your time and express these things as if it were your first time ever reading the story...god, a girl couldn't be anymore lucky. Truly, #hashtag blessed.

My free time is far and few inbewteen these days (why did I decide to go run a freaking business 😳) but I promise you, no job will ever take this series away from me. I'm far too excited for everything that's yet to come, still to be written, and needs to be told, that I'll never leave this piece unfinished. Knowing that the pace it's taken isn't something that bother people does ease my nerves and calm me a bit, and I thank you so very much for expressing that and all the love alongside with it.

Chapter 9, Bachelor Party, is one BEAST of a chapter that's nearing closer and closer to finished every day. I hope for an update within the month or two. It contains a whooping 17 characters in a single scene, with character interactions we damn right deserved in the MCU. 2/3rds of the way done and and I think my inability to control the word count says enough about what to expect.

These characters have gone through far too much to rush through chapters now. In fact, the more things go on, the richer things get -- and to know amazing people like you are along for the ride...that's just so dam nifty. ❤️❤️❤️

#fanfiction #writing #hastag blessed

[anonymousad]

read MORE carefully when you feel attacked, not less

I honestly wonder about the reading comprehension of some people because some of the reactions to my posts seem to go like this:

me: I think pancakes are better than waffles other person: WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DO YOU HATE WAFFLES

and... no, that isn't what I said?

I didn't say people don't deserve to be compensated for their work, I said that you can't be trying to pay people like it's a salaried job without having that kind of stable and consistent business income. that's literally how businesses go bankrupt all the time.

I also didn't say that you can't/shouldn't be able to make money in audio drama, I said that you need to do it SUSTAINABLY. off the top of my head I can name several shows that do just that (WOE.BEGONE and Malevolent being two I've mentioned in the past), not to mention people like Lauren Shippen. timing and luck have a lot to do with success, absolutely, so that isn't to say it is easy or guaranteed if you follow in those kinds of steps, but it does show that it can be done in ways that are self-sustaining rather than constantly asking for large cash drops to stay afloat.

speaking of, I didn't compare Harlan to JK Rowling, I pointed out how "death of the author" has been deployed by people who don't want to face HER hatefulness while still engaging with Harry Potter (I know many people like this as we all do I'm sure) as an example of why you have to be cautious when throwing it around as an excuse.

and I definitely didn't say that a Black woman was hoarding resources by having a crowdfunding campaign with a high goal??? very weird assumption for you to draw from what I actually WAS talking about, person on Bluesky. almost like you didn't actually read and understand that whole section before trying to jump down my throat about it.

I have found, both in writing this blog and generally in life, that the more people feel defensive the less they are able to engage with what is being said. anyone who has ever tried to argue for trans or gay rights with a right winger has experienced this, it's the reason that "debate bro" types are so successful. you pick out the parts that make you feel angry and you go on a tirade about them, rather than stepping back and trying to synthesize the whole message.

not once has one of the people defensive about the crowdfunding stuff addressed my key point of it being "unsustainable" in their responses to it. that is literally the thesis, sidestepping it does not make it go away. it just reinforces to me and others that you are not thinking long-term about what will and won't work for us as a community.

I should also say that none of what I post comes just from me. every single thing I've said on this blog has come from at least a few different people. it is not a one-person opinion party, something I'm not sure I've ever said outright. especially with the crowdfund stuff I have had conversations with at least a dozen showrunners who all think the current methods do not work, are not sustainable, and are only benefitting the same people over and over. I have these conversations with my "colleagues" (because I can't think of another word) in the space because I find it interesting and important and valuable. I am engaging with these conversations outside of this blog because I have an emotional investment in us as a community figuring this out so that we can thrive.

I still regret not making this blog when I first desperately wanted to to talk about The Magnus Protocol campaign. (I do have thoughts on the TMA ttrpg though, as a general thing that exists and also based in some basic understanding of how the selected system was a bad choice for what people will be hoping to get from this thing so people will likely be disappointed once they actually play it)

anyway, that's all I have to say on that right now.

tldr: I know my posts are long and there is a lot to get through sometimes. but if you are going to fixate on one sentence and ignore the larger context you are setting yourself up to misunderstand the actual point being made. and yes, there is usually a point, one that I find important enough to bother writing about in the first place.

actually, I should also say that I would be more than willing to have a conversation with Tal or someone else from that part of the community who believes that the current crowdfunding model is working and will continue to work in the long run. seriously, if I am missing something obvious then explain it to me so I can understand what about this is working. and I don't just mean working for you, I mean working for the community and creators as a whole. because I still see a lot of campaigns fail for much less, even when following the vague tips being handed out about how to run a successful campaign.

#anonymous ad #anonymous #crowdfund don'ts #media literacy #critical thinking #reading comprehension #this isn't a callout because how do you even callout people who are unwilling to engage with the full text #and I'm not kidding about being open to conversation because I am willing to admit when I am wrong if that is the case

[snowcoffeee]

Thank you for the tag @rhodophoria!! :D This was fun!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Just one (but there will be more soon ;))

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

127,025! I think Ashen Wishes is the longest story I've ever written (and it's still going, holy-)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Undertale. In fact, I haven't written for anything else in years ^^' I need to have a lot of passion for a fandom to get myself to write. Unless the characters live 24/7 in my mind rent-free, no ideas will pop up.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Yes.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yeah, I love to! I really appreciate when someone takes their time to leave a nice message :] I always try to reply as soon as possible, or at least within a day.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I currently have a few one-shot ideas that have rather angsty endings, but I couldn't bear writing a whole longfic that ends on a sad note. ...I think.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ashen Wishes will have a pretty happy, positive ending, so I suppose that counts (?)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully, I never have :)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Well... not really. I've given it a shot a few times and I have a couple ideas, but I don't think I can bring myself to post anything too explicit at the moment.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've never written one! I've always found them too difficult to execute well.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so...? Though I never looked for it.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but I wonder what that would look like! Although when it comes to writing fics, I'm much more comfortable writing in English than my native language.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet, but it sounds fun. I have friends who help with brainstorming sometimes, if that counts :)

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I've never been into shipping characters that much. Sometimes I come across a ship and I genuinely like it, but then I move on. My reader-insert craze just never left me enough, I guess.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I strive to finish everything I start, even though it might, uh, take a little more time. I really hope I won't ever abandon my fics.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogues? Maybe? Those are usually the first things that pop up in my head when I'm trying to figure out a scene, and I build everything else around them. But I'm also really obsessed with pacing and trying to find a healthy balance between the events in a story. I'm not saying it's necessarily working, I just tend to pay more attention to it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm very, very slow. I can linger on a single sentence for ten minutes because I can't get over how awkward a sentence feels, so I just stare at the screen trying to figure out how to fix it. Also, describing environments. I can't make them sound fun for the life of me. I feel like they always end up being very dry and unimaginative :/

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I don't run into them often, but I think they can spice up a dialogue sometimes. I especially like special short phrases that give the conversation a deeper meaning.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oof, uh, Hollow Knight, if I remember correctly. I don't plan to post any of my older works though ^^'

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Ashen Wishes is probably the fic I've put the most effort in so far, and it's currently my favorite, too!

@imtrashraccoon if you'd like to join, but as always, no pressure! :D

#fun

[aroaceconfessions]

Hi I want to vent. Sorry in advance lol

I'm officially the only single person in my friend group and I've got mixed feelings about it.

A good part of me (like 99.99%) is okay with it, really. My friends know me and respect me (and by that I mean me being aroace) and their partners are all cool and nice so really we can all hang out just fine. But turns out sometimes I get really self conscious of the fact that they're all with their s/o and I'm not. I'm alone. And I don't have a problem being alone, I've been alone my whole life and I like it! But being in a group where everyone else is part of a set feels kinda weird. Makes me wonder, why am I not part of a set? Is there anything wrong with me? I don't think so. But, do other people think there's something wrong with me? I'm not sure, sadly.

And the funny thing is that I don't want a partner. It might be cool, I guess, but I'm okay without one, I'm comfortable. I feel like I just want to have someone who would look for me in a crowd of people, someone who would miss me when I'm not there, someone who would want to spend time with me and enjoy doing so. Someone who won't leave me alone when everyone else is walking home with their partner.

I've never told this to anyone out of fear they will want to lecture me about opening up to relationships, or think that I'm whining, or feel sorry for me and think that I feel lonely. I don't feel lonely. I'm happy being as I am, and I'm terribly happy for my friends and their respective relationships. I'll keep hanging out with them enjoying as much as I can. It's just that I have this thoughts sometimes, and they're less than pleasant. I don't know.

I hope that if anyone out there is also feeling this way, please know you're not alone. I get you and we'll figure it out. I feel you and we'll be okay. Thank you for reading 🖤🖤🖤

Submitted March 17, 2023

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #aspec #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #arose #amatonormativity #heteronormativity

[ddoxhan]

when tomorrow comes

being left all alone was never your choice, but was neither hers

word count : 0.3k words

genre : angst; gn! reader x any aespa member!

tw : none :)

a/n : sometimes, i wish i am never so afraid of saying goodbye. that sh*t hurts :( although it's a short one, enjoy !!

though i dream good dreams, i hate it. i still look for you, when the night fades and the morning rises.

it’s been 2 months and things went on like it never happened. one normal day was all it took. it wasn’t even a day but rather hours. everything seemed fine just the night before, hell it was even midnight. texts and video calls as usual, not a single sign you let it show in your eyes. you knew, i would definitely see through them and you swore your life on it. 

something told me this wasn’t what you wanted. it definitely wasn’t when a friend knew before i did, that you were having it hard. why didn’t you let me know? even if i had no power to help you with what you were going through. why didn’t you show your pain and fatigue when we were together? if you thought that i would be hurt if you did, i’ll let you know that it hurts way damn more knowing it this way. i was clueless and now i'm helpless, feeling the daggers in my chest when i reminiscence the times i'd be the happiest person on earth, but i, was unaware that you were in the shadows this whole time. now it seems to be my turn.

do you remember the day we first met? you didn’t have the boldest demeanor but i could see your genuine intentions. the way you worked hard to fit into the molds of the society, the way you’d stay up nights just to make sure you won’t make a mistake. but you soon realized, you were you and no one could ever tell you otherwise.

to be honest, every part of you were true to me. no matter the perfections or the flaws. sometimes, I'd look at you and wonder, what flaws you had and realized that maybe, you were the most perfect person I've ever met. but I soon corrected my thoughts, because you are a perfect person in my eyes. love made blind but I came to see only you. when people told me that you weren’t the one for me, i had only one thing to snap back at them. 

‘i’m the one who’s not the one for her.’

i’ve always thought that way. even after that morning of the news, it’ll never change and will always be that way. my love will stay unchanging for you. because i know, one day, you’ll be back in my arms, happier and free from all that has been in our way.

I love you, and never ever say goodbye, as we'll stay the way we cuddled in bed and ignored everything against us.

#karina #giselle #winter #ningning #yu jimin #uchinaga aeri #kim minjeong #ning yizhuo #aespa #aespa angst #aespa imagines #aespa scenarios #aespa drabbles #aespa x reader #karina x reader #winter x reader #giselle x reader #ningning x reader #Spotify

[brighteststar707]

Fic request for Jumin and White Chocolate for @altaluneslair!

the direction I'd like it to go in is having a date with him for the whole day in cheap and commoner places without travelling by his car~ So, the date may go: travelling by public transport, eating street foods in the market, playing in arcade game center, dining in small gopchang restaurant, attaching love padlocks in Namsan Tower, just strolling around somewhere, or etc.

I'll be honest, I spent a long time watching Seoul vlogs and reading travel pages to write this fic 😅 I tried to get the details and setting right but my skills are limited by the fact that I've never visited Seoul or done any of these things.

That being said, I like how this fic turned out. It's nothing like anything else I've written for Jumin and it was a lot of fun to research and write. I hope you enjoy!

✧ White Chocolate ~ Going on a Date

Jumin and his wife stand side-by-side at a subway station, looking for all the world like any other commuters. Since they arrived at their station, she has been talking to him excitedly about how well-connected they are, that her commute used to be so much longer before she moved into the penthouse. Jumin listens to her talking, content for any information she gives him about her life before. The idea of doing this several times a day is something he can’t imagine. Sometimes, he forgets how different her life used to be, how much has changed for her since marrying him.

The idea for today’s date had started as a simple conversation over dinner just this week. He had stayed back at the office later than usual, so to make it up to her he called in the chef to make them a nice dinner to share when he got home. Over dinner, after talking about their day, their discussion had moved to weekend plans.

“How do you feel about visiting the vineyard? The weather is supposed to be lovely this weekend, we can just relax."

She had nodded slowly, as if in a daze, then her face broke into a good-natured laugh. He looked at her, perplexed.

“Sorry, that sounds wonderful! I didn’t mean to laugh, it’s just that hearing that out loud… it’s still a little bit surreal. Going to the vineyard for the weekend as if it was as easy as crossing town.”

“Probably easier, we wouldn’t have to deal with traffic,” Jumin replies.

“Thank goodness for the plane.”

“So, what would you have us do on our day off?”

“Well, I used to keep a list on my phone of places to go and things to do when I had time off in the city. I haven’t gone through it in a while, but I’d probably have picked some things from there?”

He tilts his head to the side inquisitively. “Like what?”

“Oh, things like trying out new food stalls at the market or playing in the arcade.”

That was what got his attention. He always found himself fascinated by things so common to the everyday person.

“Well, why don’t we do some things from your list? The vineyard can wait until next week.”

And just like that, the idea for their ‘commoner date’ was born. She managed to get him to agree that they’d go out like she used to before, no personal driver, no security team following them (though just a call away and monitoring their locations at all times), no fancy restaurants or exclusive events. She instead took the time to plan out a full day of activities she would have done on a date if she weren’t married to Jumin Han.

Jumin, of course, wasn’t allowed to know about any of them until the day of their date itself.

The subway arrives right on time, and he follows her close behind as they step on. They find a single free seat, and  Jumin automatically stands aside to offer it to her, but she hesitates.

“I admire your chivalry, love, but are you sure you don’t want to sit?”

“Of course I am.”

She doesn’t look convinced.

“Are you doubting my ability to stand?”

“Of course not! If you’re sure, then I’ll take it, thank you.”

She sits down and watches as he stands resolutely in front of her and holds on to the bar (after just a second's hesitation at the idea of the germs). It’s not a bad sight. She convinced him to swap out his usual suits for something more casual and comfortable, so today he’s dressed in black simple trousers and a linen white shirt. His hair is less styled than usual and is floppy and soft over his head instead of combed neatly.

Perhaps she was wrong to worry. He’ll be fine.  

The subway doors shut and it pulls out of the station. The people have crowded closer around each other, and Jumin stands stiffly. The momentum of the train moving makes him wobble dangerously and he receives some dirty looks from the passengers around him.

 “Jumin, I’ll ask you one more time.”

“…Perhaps I should take the seat.”

She slips out of the seat and he sinks into it ungracefully. She stands up opposite him, holding on to the bar a lot more steadily than Jumin was a minute ago. He huffs at the sweet smile she flashes him.

She keeps a mental note of the stops they’re passing and her eyes linger Jumin as he people watches. He has spent so much of his life kept at a distance from people, and she has noticed that he enjoys any opportunity he gets to watch people going about their lives. It’s one of the reasons he likes the charity parties so much, for the wide variety of people he gets to meet.

Finally, they reach their stop and join the crowd of people stepping out and onto the platform.

“So, are you going to tell me what you have planned yet?”

“Well, first of all, I thought I’d bring you out for some of my favourite street food. We can't spend a day out without lunch.”

The entrance to the market is only a few minutes away from the subway exit (and Jumin is starting to understand her earlier excitement at their central location). Entering the market feels like entering another world. Garlands are strung from the ceiling, and the walls are lined with food stalls. It’s almost overwhelming, but he can’t stop looking around.  

Of course, he has known about the food markets in the city for a long time, heard his employees talking about them between themselves and even recommended them to clients looking to experience the city. However, he has never had the chance (or reason) to visit one himself.

It's full of people: groups of friends chattering while in line for food, people clustered around tables and conversing with the salespeople. She doesn’t let go of his hand as she leads him down the line of food stalls and stops at a specific one.

“Oh, Jumin, you have to try this!”

It’s a pancake, by the looks of it, fried in oil. She orders them one each and bring them to the table by the stall. He sits down next to her and she pushes the little aluminium dish towards him to taste.

He takes a hesitant bite and tries to ignore her gaze on him as she waits for his reaction. He concentrates on the pancake instead. It’s crispy and flavourful, and probably has got more oil in it than anything he has eaten recently. It’s delicious, and he tells her as much.

She smiles, satisfied, and starts eating her own pancake. They chat, and he asks her about visiting the market and her favourite foods. As he listens to her speak, he slowly grows less conscious of all the people surrounding him. He isn’t used to being alone – without security – in crowds like this. But despite his face being plastered on magazines and tabloids frequently, it seems like nobody here has recognized him. He even starts to relax a little bit. Clearly, nobody is expecting to see Jumin Han and his wife in the middle of a busy food market in the city.

When they both finish, they get up from the table and keep walking around the market. They stop at one more stall for drinks and keep walking, cups in hand.  

When they leave the market, Jumin is full and content, even excited for their next activity.

“So,” he says, “Are we taking another subway?”

“Nope! This time we’re taking a little walk to our destination.”

And so they do. Hand in hand, they walk down the street. Jumin likes the anonymity being in a crowd of people lends him, likes the security that her hand gives him at the same time.  

His first reaction at the arcade is a sort of shock. It’s dark, full of neon colours and loud noises coming from the machines. It’s overwhelming, to say the least.

They linger in the middle as she surveys the array of games she has to choose from. Jumin stands close to her, eyeing the machines warily. They’re loud and bright, and he isn’t sure what to make of them. Sure, he plays video games at home sometimes (a secret that’s well-kept from the RFA members), but surely this is different. For one thing, his games are not this loud.  

She spots a machine, and as Jumin follows her gaze, he starts to laugh. It’s a car racing game, complete with a steering wheel and gears. He knows what she’s thinking without her having to say anything.

“Come here, Jumin, I want to test out something.”

She ushers him over to the seat, instructs him to get ready to race, and puts a coin in the slot. He sets off, jerking the wheel back and forth with more force than she'd expect from such a machine. She stands behind him so she can watch the screen and cheer him on. For a second, it looks like he’s doing pretty well. That is, before the car slams into the barriers and he gets overtaken by the rest of the racers.  

Jumin doesn’t even wince.

“You’re going too fast to control the car, slow down!”

“The objective of a race is to be the fastest.”

“Yes, but you cannot be the fastest if you keep getting stuck.”

He finishes the race in last place, and she is reminded once again to never let him behind the wheel of a car.

From there, they move on to a few rounds of air hockey (which she ends up winning, despite his best efforts), then a round each on a platformer game (where Jumin actually gets a high score). On their way out, Jumin gets distracted by a little soft toy in one of the claw machines that looks a lot like Elizabeth the Third and insists on trying to win her.

After going through half of their coins, she decides to take over and try her luck. Jumin hovers over her shoulder, giving her instructions and encouragement. After going through nearly the rest of the coins, she gets lucky and catches the little cat toy. She takes it out of the slot and presents it to him like it’s an expensive piece of jewellery.

He holds it gently in his hands, admiring the little toy.

“We’ve freed you now, don’t worry. Just wait until you meet Elizabeth. She’ll love you.”

When they finally leave the arcade, his ears are ringing and the light outside feels too bright. He isn’t sure how Yoosung and Seven manage to visit so often without getting headaches, but he has started to see the appeal of the occasional visit.

He looks to his wife, who is looking out at the street expectantly. He still has no idea what she has planned for the rest of their day. Before he can ask her what she’s looking for, a taxi pulls up to the pavement and she walks towards it to say something to the driver.

“This is for us, Jumin, get in!” She must have ordered the cab when he was busy at the claw machine.

“Isn’t this cheating?” He asks after slipping into the backseat.

“Well, let’s call it a grey area. It’s getting close to rush hour and I don’t think that’s an experience you’re missing out on.”

He agrees.

She refuses to tell him where they’re going next, so he can only guess by trying to identify the streets they’re passing. Luckily for him, their next destination is one he recognizes.

They step out of the taxi and find themselves at the Namsan Tower cable car station. This is another city landmark he has often recommended to business partners, and one he often hears about from others.

He already knows he’s going to like this part of their date. They buy their tickets and wait for their turn to board (he prefers this to the subway). Once they've boarded their cabin, he holds onto one of the railings and she wraps her arms around him for support. He puts his arm over her shoulders and holds her close as they watch the city grow smaller and smaller from the windows.

It's definitely better than the subway.

The sun has started to set by the time they reach one of the viewing platforms. The city stretches out beneath them, but the view is different to the kind Jumin sees from his office. At work, it sometimes feels like he can reach out and touch the city with his fingertips. Even worse, sometimes it feels like the city below is reaching up for him to pull him down to them. As much as he loves his job, the people it sometimes brings to him are the kind who would do anything for a taste of his world. They both know that better than others.

From over here though, he feels untouchable. It’s calming, to have it at a distance for once, instead of being in its centre.  

“I have one more surprise for you, Darling.”

She wriggles free from his arms and starts rooting through her bag. She finally pulls out a padlock. It has their initials engraved on it, and under it a small inscription.

He takes it from her hands and examines it carefully.

“You had this made?”

“I had it engraved for us on short notice. I thought we could do one better than the ones the souvenir shop offers.”

He chuckles. "It's perfect."

They take their time looking for the perfect place to hang it. Walking around the perimeter of the viewing platform, stopping to admire the view as the sun slowly sets, then finally settling on a place.

It’s on the outside of a railing, on top of layers of other locks (a hundred other promises that were made before them) that they choose to fix theirs. They close it together, hands over hands, and then take a second to admire it.

The sun has almost set, but in the soft light, they can still make out the little engraved inscription.

Dedicated to old sunsets and new experiences, I'd follow you anywhere

#They got fried chicken and beer for dinner #just trust me on this one #writing for this made me so hungry #I want to visit Gwangjang market NOW #300 follower event #mystic messenger #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger jumin han #mysme jumin #mysme jumin han #my writing