#sometimes I think in our desperation to imagine a better future

[logansargeantsbabymom]

Too Good To Say Goodbye pt 5

Logan Sargeant x Fem!Reader, Lando Norris x Fem!Reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of miscarriage/stillborn

part 1 I part 2 I part 3 I part 4 I part 5

I couldn't put this off anymore. I had to talk to Logan about the night in the delivery room and I had to tell Lando about my reoccurring dreams. I know I technically haven't done anything wrong and I haven't cheated but something about my dreams have been feeling a little too real. My feelings for Logan might be too real.

No, stop that Y/N, Logan treated you like shit, there's no way you possibly like him. No. You're not that naive , you know better than to have feelings for a man that treated you like shit. But he also gave you a kid. A kid you so desperately wanted, one you needed to have, to love, to hold, to care for, to cherish after my first born passed.

I'd gotten off the phone with Logan shortly before Lando re-entered our room.

"She's finally back down, her pacifier fell out of her mouth." all Lando said before he got back into bed, trying to cuddle me. I felt so awful with myself and felt like I didn't deserve his comforting touch so I scooted away and attempted to get out of bed.

"Hey what's wrong? Where are you going?" a hint of sadness in his voice but that was quickly covered up with a simple clearing of his throat.

"Shower. Me and Lily are gonna hang out. Maybe you and Oscar could have Yelena for the day? I know Oscar has been begging to take her out and be the favorite uncle but I don't trust him alone with my daughter." a chuckle leaves my lips as I try not to sound nervous.

Why is the thought of having a civil conversation about the well being of my daughter with her father making me feel so icky and nervous? Part of me longs to have a healthy relationship with Logan, I mean he was my everything. Logan made me believe in love, he gave me 2 wonderful pregnancies even if I'll be able to never meet my other baby.

I quickly gathered things that I would need for my shower, a McLaren t-shirt, a pair of jeans, a bra, underwear, my Bose speaker, and a pair of slides before I made my way into the bathroom. I turned the shower on hot before I set everything down and got all my hair products that I'd need.

I took my H/C hair out of the bun I'd just had up prior, letting it fall past my shoulders in a curly nappy mess. I loved my hair don't get me wrong, but all the products I needed for it and how fast it would get nappy would sometimes be too much for me.

Stepping into the hot shower, I let it flow over me and letting my hair get soaked before I started lathering on some shampoo. While I was working the shampoo on my scalp, I couldn't help but imagine a life where Logan and I were endgame, a life where we didn't have split custody of our daughter, a life where when me and Yelena went to the paddock we were going into the Williams garage to cheer for Daddy instead of going into McLaren to cheer for mommy's new boyfriend, a life where little Theo James Sargeant was still alive.

Thinking about little Theo always made me emotional, I couldn't ever imagine a moment in the future where I could talk about him and not want to sob and quite frankly, I don't want their to ever be a time where it doesn't. I'll feel like I forgot about him and that's the last thing I want.

Maybe if Theo was alive none of this would've happened, me and Logan would still be happy, we could have 2 kids instead of 1. If Theo were here all my problems would be solved, I would be happy, Logan would be happy, but I wouldn't be with Lando. Life had its ups and downs, I wouldn't trade my relationship with Lando for the world.

It felt like I was lathering my scalp while being deep in thought for hours but in reality, when I snapped out of my trance I heard the ending of Taylor Swift's All Too Well (10 minute version). I quickly rinsed the shampoo out before quickly conditioning and brushing my hair out. I put my hair up in a little bun to allow my hair to soak up as much conditioner as possible while I scrubbed the rest of my body clean, I decided that today would be one of my ‘everything’ shower days so I also grabbed Lando’s razor that he has in the shower and shaved my legs and armpits.

Once I was done shaving, I took my hair out of the bun and rinsed the conditioner out while simultaneously raking my hands through my hair to get rid of the knots that formed. Once that was done I turned off the shower, wrapped my velcro towel around my body and wrapped my hair in a towel wrap. I’d looked at the time on my phone while trying to change the song, only to realize that I’m supposed to meet Logan at a little coffee shop that was 10 minutes away, in 20 minutes and I wasn’t ready yet.

I’d quickly a no makeup makeup look before quickly drying off my body and throwing my clothes on. I took my hair out the wrap and quickly, but efficiently worked some product in my hair to make sure I still had the curl and bounce when it dried.

I was so busy rushing out of the bathroom that I almost ran right into Lando who was holding Yelena.

“Oh there’s mommy!” Lando says while he points in my direction while simultaneously poking Yelena’s tummy “We were just coming to say bye to you. Oscar is waiting in my car” a smile appears on my face. Lando’s been so good to me and how do I repay him? I’m going behind his back to talk to my ex and baby dad about reoccurring dreams I’ve had about us being a happy family after our little “moment” in the delivery room.

I place a quick sweet kiss against Lando’s lips before I place a big fat one on Yelena’s head “Sorry I took long in the bathroom. Took an ‘everything’ shower, you know how it is.” a small chuckle leaves his lips before we hear a honk from outside “You guys should get going before Uncle Oscar gets mad” I say while I also place delicate pokes on Yelena’s tummy. A quick nod, faint goodbye and a goodbye kiss from Lando was what I got before he left.

I checked my phone again, I had 5 minutes to get to a coffee shop that was 10 minutes away. I quickly shot Logan a text saying that I was gonna be about 5 minutes behind schedule because I got caught in ‘traffic’. I figured it was believable when Logan shot me a ‘All good, I’ll be here when you arrive’ text.

——

When I’d arrived at the little coffee shop I spotted Logan in a quiet corner. He quickly spotted me because he’d basically leaped out of his seat to welcome me.

“Hey, I figured since you were gonna be late, I’d just order your drink for you. I got you a y/f/d, I hope that’s still your favorite.” the nervous smile that sprawled across his face made my heart clench. He was so cute, oh how badly I wanted to grab his face and pull him close to me. I shook my head to rid the thoughts in my brain.

“Yep, once my favorite always my favorite.” I graciously took the drink from his hands before we both sat down. We sat in silence for what felt like forever before Logan started the conversation.

“So, I called you here because, oh man, how do I say this? I asked you to be here because,” he let out a shaky breath before continuing “because ever since that night in the delivery room, I haven’t stopped dreaming of you. About us, all of us being one big happy family. Me, You and Yelena just living the life and I can’t help the yearn for that. I know you want nothing to do with me but” he placed his hand on top mine that rested on my drink “I know I fucked up big time all those months ago, and I know you hate me and want nothing to do with me, but please, give me one more chance. One more chance to prove to you that I’m a better, changed man. To prove to you that I’ll do anything it takes to be the best father and husband I can be. I love you and Yelena, will all of my heart, soul and bones I love you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, I can’t tell him I’ve had the same dreams and that I feel that way too. The universe has a weird way of trying to get people together.

I pull my drink up to my lips which caused his hand to fall off mine. “Logan, I- We can’t- I’m with” I closed my eyes and took a long deep breath before I tried to continue “Logan, I love you more than you’ll ever know. You gave me a beautiful daughter and a life I never thought I’d have. I owe you so much but that debt I owed you went straight down the drain the moment you said that I should’ve killed myself, the moment you said I was another piece of ass to you and the moment” a few tears slipped “The moment you said you could impregnate ANY woman.”

I placed my drink down before grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table to wipe the fallen tears off my face. A beat or two passed before anyone said anything.

“Do you ever think,” Logan waited a beat before the continued, almost as if he was regretting what he was about to say “Do you ever think that if Theo were still here, none of this would’ve happened? That we’d be happy and together, that Yelena would be able to meet her big brother?”

I could see the tears forming in Logan’s eyes and the tears that once stopped falling came right back.

A choked sob left my throat at the mention of our late son. My body shook with so much pain and sadness that I hadn’t notice Logan left his seat. Not at least until I felt his big strong arms wrap around my body in a tight embrace. I could feel his body shake in his own quiet sobs. We stayed like this for what felt like hours, just in an embrace, sobbing, in public, where everyone is staring.

“Y/N?” Oh no, I recognized that voice. We pulled apart at the mention of my name turning to see Lando pushing a stroller and Oscar following suit “I thought you said you were hanging out with Lily?” Lando sounded suspicious as he looked between Logan and Me observing both of us red eyed. “Why are you both crying? Baby, are you okay?”

“Oh! Yes! Haha, Lily was running late so I grabbed a drink and saw Logan here and then we started talking about Theo” I said wiping the tears from under my eyes again

Oscar’s eyes closed and his face contorted in its own way of saying ‘oh no’

“That’s so funny babe because” Lily walked in “We actually ran into Lily and she mentioned nothing about your guys’ plans. Actually said that she’s been trying to set up a day where you guys could spend the day out and shop and have girls night but said that you kept postponing it. So why are you here with Logan and why’d you lie?”

The tension between us so thick you could hack it with a butcher knife a few times and it wouldn’t cut.

I’ve been caught in lies before but this one, I don’t know how I’m getting out of it.

“I promise I will tell you everything Lando, just not here”

Lando turned and whispered some things to Oscar and Lily whom nodded in agreement before handing them the stroller and the diaper bag and kissing Yelena goodbye.

He’s taken on such a natural fatherly role in her life that to the outside world, Yelena was his daughter and that’s what I admired about him, that’s why I fell in love with him and that’s why I really, really can’t lose him.

“We’re leaving.” was all Lando said before I whispered a goodbye to Logan and followed him out the door and to his McLaren.

The car ride home was awkward and silent. It hadn’t felt this bad in a car alone with him since I told him all those months ago about what happened with me and Logan. After what felt like an eternity we finally arrived at our house. The walk inside and into our bedroom was also awkward and silent.

Oh how I hated when Lando was mad at me.

“Why’d you lie?” it sounded cold, kinda made my heart break “Why were you out with Logan and why did you lie to me?”

“I-” I released a shaky breath “I met with Logan because” I was cut off

“Are you still in love with him?” betrayal and heartbreak coated Lando’s voice

“No! Absolutely not! Lando please don’t think like that!” I quickly walked over to him cupping his face and used my thumb to wipe a stray tear from his face

“I was with Logan because he wanted to talk about that night in the delivery room. He wanted to tell me that he’s been having dreams of us being a big happy family. He asked me what he could do to get me back, to win us back” the look in his eyes told me he believed what I was saying

“and what did you say?”

“I told him that after the way he treated me that I would never get back with him.” I felt him nod against my hands that were still holding his face before I wrapped them around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug feeling his arms wrap around my waist and squeezed tight.

I wanted to stay like this forever, wrapped up in his tight embrace. I felt like nothing bad could happen, I felt on top of the world and that’s how I wanted to stay, but all good things eventually come to an end.

The churn of my stomach is what pulled me away from Lando and I knew I was gonna be sick. I rushed myself to the bathroom before spilling my guts into the toilet. Lando quickly rushed in to hold my hair back and rub my back.

“I’ll be back. I’m gonna grab you a bottle of water” Lando said before he quickly jogged to the kitchen.

I’ve been sick before, but this felt different. I’ve felt this kind of sickness before. Twice, actually. I rested my head in my arms on the toilet seat before frantically looking around in the sink cupboard. I had to search quickly before Lando came back, I couldn’t find it and I didn’t want to call for Lando. One more quick search of lifting things up is when I finally see them.

pregnancy tests.

-

HEY!! I MISSED YOU!

taglist

@luckyladycreator2 @itsmiamalfoy @jeffs77 @ilivbullyingjeongin @forevercaffeinated-lee @daemyratwst @gulphulp @callsignwidow @f1wintermoon13 @teenwolf01 @victoriassecret101 @hiireadstuff @formulaal @kazza72584 @zabwlky1999 @dark-night-sky-99 @rougekiki @xoscar03 @jess-wither @bountychanti@dhanihamidi @Ggasly.p @tellybearryyyy

#charles leclerc #f1 #f1 fanfic #f1 smut #f1 x reader #formula 1 #formula one #lando norris #lewis hamilton #logan sargent fluff #too good to say goodbye #too good to say goodbye series #logan sargeant hurt #logan sargeant angst #lando norris fanfic #lando norris imagine #lando x reader #logan sergeant imagines #logan sargent x reader

[lastoneout]

I'd like to think in the hypothetical post-scarcity/capitalism utopia there would still be people who want to make movies and there would thus also still be people like me, who want to open theaters where you can go and watch them.

#sometimes I think in our desperation to imagine a better future #a lot of us forget that like #you CAN make movies and video games ethically #and people will still WANT TO DO THAT #and I don't think being like 'you're just gonna have to get used to not having movies and video games' is helpful #bcs yeah we probably wouldn't be able to have a marvel movie every 6 months or dozens of AAA games #but people still love telling stories #indie films and games exist and are often BETTER than huge budget ones #and they can be made in ways that don't harm the environment or the people making them #and so yea we will still have fun things in the future #it's not gonna be all books and nothing else #and idk I think there's something very special about going to a movie theater #and tbh if I had no profit motive at all #if I was super rich #I would love to run a theater that's accessible and ethical and environmentally friendly #and I know a lot of other people would love that too

[angusmcquadeprojects]

I will never support AI Art

To me, like so many other artists, it is a threat to us all struggling to get our names out in the world.

It encourages art theft.

It encourages people to disregard the original artist's hard work.

It encourages plagiarism.

It shows no respect for actual artists.

It is the complete opposite of transformative art & expression.

You cannot convince me that relying on an algorithm is a good alternative for artists or newcomers when it backpedals off of other people's work. Works that can take hours, days, sometimes weeks to complete. And all it takes for an AI "artist" is a few clicks and they've got a frankensteined version of someone else's work, with painfully obvious imperfections they don't bother to correct or notice. AI art is no different than people who make Nightcore "music" and claim its hard work.

As a starving artist, this is insulting. I don't care how it works, none of that matters when art theft is strongly tied to it. It scares me that people will abuse these sources to steal jobs from people like myself who desperately want to work in the artistic field (or companies will use AI to do the job itself), and it disappoints me when others try to sell AI art and admit they didn't even draw it!

Am I a perfect artist? No. Do I strive to get better? Yes. Would I consider using it if my hands had to be amputated and I couldn't draw? I’d pay fellow artists for commissions than feed an algorithm that vomits out abominations.

I will never support these sad excuses for "artists", or its community. It will forever lack the one crucial element no artificial intelligence can replicate... Imagination. If you support this garbage community, see no issue with it, think it will be accepted over time and it is the way of the future... You are out of your mind, have lost my support, and I won't be the only real artist out there that will say the same thing.

#angusmcquadeprojects #ampartist #digital art #digital drawing #digital illustation #art #drawing #illustration #Artists Unite #Artists on tumblr #support human artists #anti ai art #no to ai art #no to ai generated images #ai art #ai art community

[the-marshals-wife]

Keep Me Close (Tech x Reader)

*BELOW THE CUT THERE ARE SPOILERS FOR S2 EP 8: TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES*

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day, babes! I'm hitting two mynocks with one stone: writing something short and sweet for my favorite Batcher and processing my emotions over [redacted].

Description: Tech x Fem!Reader Batcher, semi-established relationship (there's an unspoken thing *wink*) | Warnings: none, hurt+comfort fluff | Word count: 804

★ Bad Batch Tag List ★ @dantes-devil-huntress @sageislostinspring @sweetheart-bo (comment to be added!)

Gif credit: user dreamswithghosts

Imagine being unable to sleep, upset by Echo's departure, and turning to Tech for comfort

The ship was stuffy. Your mind was full. The future was uncertain. It was the perfect mixture of reasons to be restless.

You'd removed the top half of your blacks and tied it around your waist, putting on a tank top in hopes of cooling down. Sitting on the lowered ramp of The Marauder, you stared into the misty night sky, feeling trapped by the stale silence. Your eyes began to sting, emotions starting to overcome you. How could so much have changed so quickly?

The sound of footsteps pulled you from your troubled thoughts, and you didn't have to turn around to know who approached. The rapid tapping of gloved fingers on a datapad was enough for you to recognize him.

"You are unable to sleep," Tech says.

It wasn't a question. He'd just stated it as a fact, as he did with most things.

"Not really," you answer, quickly wiping at your eyes.

"I suspect there is a reason," he begins, sitting down beside you, "Would it ease your mind if you shared your concerns with me?"

Your heart skipped at the prospect, and at how near he was.

"I'll be alright, really," you hesitate, trying to compose yourself.

"The tension in your voice and your constrained body language suggests otherwise," he replies, putting away his datapad.

You can't help but chuckle, "Nothing gets past you, does it?"

"Not really," he parrots your words. He removes his helmet and puts it aside. You're surprised to see he's smiling ever-so-slightly.

You sigh, trying put your many thoughts into words. "We've all lost so much. After all our fighting and all our running, sometimes I've wondered what it was all for. But I thought as long as we stayed together, things would be alright. We would figure it out because together we had hope. Now, I'm afraid that we've lost it."

Tech pushes up his goggles before responding.

"I know it may seem that way, but Echo did not leave because he had no hope," he offers, "He believes that there are better ways apart from this squad that he can help preserve hope, and if he is successful, pass it on to others."

"I thought we were already doing that," you reply, shaking your head, "I know we have to be careful, especially for Omega's sake, and we can't fight The Empire the same way others can, but I thought we were making some kind of difference."

"Echo's departure does not necessarily signify failure in our pursuits."

"But aren't we stronger together than apart?" you ask, looking to him.

Tech blinks slowly, visibly weighing your question. Surely he is bothered by all this too?

"Theoretically, yes. But our objections cannot change what has happened," he admits.

Your gaze falls back to your boots, shame setting in. How selfish you must sound. "You're right. I don't think less of Echo. Truly I don't," you say, holding your arms, "I just don't want to lose this squad, and I really don't want to lose..."

You were desperate to say it, but the word caught in your throat. Tears threaten to return. This is not how it was supposed to go. Squeezing your eyes shut, you bow your head, hoping he wouldn't see your entire façade crumbling.

You nearly jump as you feel his hand gently clasp your shoulder. You look up to see his soft brown eyes, full of warmth and understanding.

"I do not have plans to go any place where you cannot also be," he affirms, "And I intend to never make such plans."

A tear slips down your cheek as you choke back a sob. Whatever was left of your composure, he'd just destroyed it, and somehow it was the push you needed.

You lean over to rest your head on his chest. You hold your breath as you feel him tense up at the contact. Fear washes over you that you've gone too far, and you're about to sit up, but then he carefully wraps his arm around you, holding you close.

You purse your lips, trying not to grin. How long you had waited for this moment. Heart racing, you close your eyes and wish for time to stop. So many words had passed between you over the months, but now you could barely speak.

"Tech?" you breathe.

"Yes?"

"I never want to make those kinds of plans either," you say, relaxing into him more.

"It's settled then," he confirms, proceeding to rest his chin upon the top of your head.

It was settled. You knew with absolute certainty that this is where you wanted to be. You were stronger together, and no matter what became of the galaxy, together you and Tech would stay.

#tech x reader #tbb tech x reader #tech imagine #tech bad batch #tech x you #tbb tech x you #tbb fanfiction #the bad batch fanfiction #tbb season 2 #bad batch imagine #star wars imagine #tech x y/n #my writing

[hideousvoid]

Can you do yandere Malleus headcanon?

Possessive Fae

Reader: gender neutral

warnings: isolating, stalking mentions, slight mention of violence and manipulating behavior.

You won the dragon's heart, the future king of the Fae's, it's amazing right? It's up to you to take it as sarcasm or not, he has many good qualities as bad ones. From now one you can't go anywhere without him or Sebek, Lilia or Silver.

At first you noticed how people started to avoid you, isolate like you weren't there. Your friends slowly disappearing and never talking to you again. What was happening? It was horrible, you didn't have anyone there for you leading to stay in your room most of the time to try feeling better. The only student that still talked to you was Malleus, rarely Sebek but only to mention his master and Lilia doing the same. One day, tired and sick of all the things that were happening you wrapped your arms around the dragon Fae crying on his shirt. You told him everything keeping him the closest to yourself, you needed love so much. He softly caressed your hair whispering gentle words to make you feel better, it was all his plan and you as a poor lamb was falling in his trap.

"Don't worry child of man, I will be here for you from now on, forever"

Everywhere you go or stay, you can feel a pair of eyes looking at you, never knowing who's those are. Could be Lilia, Sebek or even Silver, ready to tell Malleus everything. Sometimes the gaze is different, cold and harsh, as if that person is going to devour you any moment. Every little movement, breath or word is caught by him, you are his precious human and he needs to know about you. If you try to talk to him about it you are getting nothing else than the silence, looking at you unbothered. It's not like he is going to stop, as a spoiled kid he does whatever he wants and gets what he wishes. He could wake up tomorrow and choose to bite you to taste your blood, leaving a mark so everyone knows that you are his. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, because you can't and words doesn't work with him.

"you look so cute in your pajama, you know? I could just eat you up"

Then you are going to stay in his room, can't return to your old one anymore. All your stuff is there, your clothes in his wardrobe in a side just for you. You can only leave the room with the company of his familiars or him, then you'll immediately return to his room no matter what. You are only his and his alone, this is why he hugs you in his sleep tight as he is going to lose you any moment. Lilia deliveries the lunch and dinner that Sebek cooks, Malleus doesn't wish for you to eat the bat's almost poisoning cooking. Don't hope in those three, if you try to escape they will catch you and immediately warn the Fae. Neither talking with them will work, Malleus gave permission only to Lilia to chat with you. Obviously the conversation is about Malleus and you, he won't mention anything else. You do your homeworks with the dorm leader, you wash with him and you have a very little privacy.

"Did you seriously attempt to escape, (y/n)? I'm giving you all my love and attention, why are you doing such a cruel thing to me? You are hurting me so much.."

Naive as he is, he won't care much about the consequences of his punishment. In fact he will take you in his arms and shower you of his love, whispering how he did it for both and that you will feel better soon. You won't stop loving him, at least he thinks, you are too desperate and without him you can't survive. Malleus makes you find your room full of gifts everyday, name one thing you desire and you'll be immediately satisfied. Your body is full of bites mark made by him, his scent over you while you can only wear his clothes when you aren't at school. You won't leave him, neither death will, you are going to be with Malleus forever with no way to escape.

"your body, mind and soul are completely mine. Our souls are becoming one soon, you won't imagine of running away from me no more. Bear it with me, my jewel"

#yandere twisted wonderland #yandere malleus draconia #yandere malleus x reader #yandere twst #malleus hcs #malleus headcanons #twisted wonderland #tw violence #tw stalking #tw isolation #tw manipulation #twst writing #twst #twst malleus #gender neutral mc #gn reader #yandere x reader #yn #diasomnia #yandere

[sxugaryx]

Wasn’t him (Fanfic)

One shot 💛

Venigni had given Pinocchio the message, the boy was listening in front of him, then Pinocchio gasped, looking uncomfortable.

“Tell me what, or rather who caused the frenzy?!” This is it, Venigni knows that all his hard work has found its answer.

“I… couldn’t hear” Pinocchio lied.

Maybe if Pinocchio had reacted differently, Venigni would have believed that lie.

“I heard you gasping!” Venigni desperately wanted answers, “Surely you must have heard something, anything, right?!”

“No” Pinocchio lied again, taking a few steps back as Venigni had never shouted at him.

Venigni apologized, and then he immersed himself in his thoughts. This doesn’t make any sense! Then end, he couldn’t hear the end, but the message was loud and clear, someone is in fact controlling them. But who? Why would Pinocchio lie about not knowing? He has no reason to do so, it’s not as if is protecting anyone who-

“Pinocchio…” Venigni had a serious tone, “Did Geppetto cause the frenzy?”

“Uhhh no” Pinocchio lied again, each time sounding less convincing.

“Tell me the truth!” Venigni pleaded with him, “I promise, I am not mad (he is) I just want to know if your father truly did such thing”

And the better question would be why he did it.

“Nuh-uh”

There was a pause, Pinocchio breathing in a sigh of relief, he turned around to leave when Venigni shouted at him again.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN NUH-UH?!” Venigni was baffled, why isn’t he taking this seriously?!

Pinocchio turned around, knowing that leaving was not an option until Venigni calmed down.

“I will ask again” Venigni was at his limit, “Did Geppetto do this?”

“It wasn’t him,” Pinocchio said casually.

Venigni took a deep breath, “Then who did it?”

“I don’t know” Pinocchio shrugged off the question.

“But then why did you gasp when you heard the recording?” He kept on interrogating him, Venigni would not back down.

“Did I do that?” Pinocchio had an idea, “I mean, I’m new to this breathing thing, sometimes I make weird sounds”

For a moment Venigni started to doubt himself, did Pinocchio truly not hear anything? No, his face also seemed in shock.

“Pinocchio please, please don’t lie to me” Venigni was about to fall to his knees, begging him for a real answer, he felt responsible for this disaster in the first place.

“I’m not” Pinocchio stayed calm, but inside he was smiling, he was doing it right! He remembers that conversation he had with his father a while back…

——

Pinocchio had told his father about the encounter with the stalker on his way to the cathedral, who would only let him pass if he was a stalker.

Pinocchio had gotten nervous because his springs started to sound loudly, but in the end, she said that she must be imagining things and she let him pass after he showed the stalker's promise.

He was feeling extremely guilty about it, he tries not to lie, because his father told him that it was better to tell the truth.

“I know I told you to be a good boy and always tell the truth” Geppetto sighed, “However, sometimes things like this happen, you were only trying to avoid future danger”

Pinocchio felt reassured that his father wasn’t mad, however, he was worried about his loud springs, this was the second time someone heard them and wanted to fight him. The first was that one stalker inside the factory, who he unfortunately had to kill. It’s not as if he can control how loud they are, so he is at a loss on what to do.

“I see” Geppetto started to think about it, he is very precious to him, and to lose him over something like this would be horrible “Lie only if you have no choice, remember to always be a good boy to me”

“But…” Pinocchio looked at the floor, “What if they hear my springs again and don’t believe me?”

“Well, lie to them again”

Huh, why didn't he never think about lying more than once?

“Look son,” Geppetto told Pinocchio to sit down, “Let me explain it to you”

“You have to look at them in the eyes, and be convincing”

“How convincing?” Pinocchio tilted his head curiously.

“It doesn’t matter how many times they say they hear your springs, you tell that’s not the case”

“Just like that?” Pinocchio had more questions, “But-"

Geppetto interrupted him, “You stay calm, then you start to act concerned because they keep insisting the same thing, then if they bring out something you did previously, lie about that too, that never happened”

“Does that really work?” Pinocchio looked amazed at the concept.

“Of course, it works son” Geppetto gives him a smile.

Wow, his father must have been in a lot of danger if he knows how to lie like that.

“Don’t be aggressive or act defensively, rather act confused, or act as if whatever they are talking about isn’t a big deal” Geppetto gave him a few examples so he could get a better idea, “You never admit to anything, you deny everything”

He explains how it’s better to change the subject, you can also make them think they are overreacting if the situation calls for it.

“Remember, only do this if absolutely necessary” Geppetto’s voice was stern, “You have to be my good boy, you can’t lie unless someone is in danger”

Pinocchio stood up to leave, he was glad to have had this talk with his father; his father stood up as well. Unfortunately, Pinocchio suddenly had a thought that he accidentally said out loud.

“What? Of course not!” Geppetto realized he was shouting, so he took a deep breath to calm himself, “You are my son, I would never lie to you”

For a moment, Pinocchio seemed doubtful, until his father hugged him, giving him a warm smile.

That did the trick, Pinocchio was delighted at his father showing him affection. A lot of affection, his father even played with his hair and kissed his forehead before leaving. Erasing all doubts in Pinocchio’s mind about his kind father being capable of lying to him.

—-

“Um,” Pinocchio was staring into Venigni’s eyes, “I don’t know what to say, I truly didn’t hear anything…”

Venigni feels as if he is going insane, Pinocchio KNOWS the truth; he saw his expression, and he saw his terrible lying at first.

“Look, Pinocchio so much is at stake here, I can’t-”

Pinocchio interrupted Venigni, “Yeah, outside is um, awful stuff is happening there so I should go back and keep on fighting the alchemists”

“The alchemists aren’t the issue here, we are talking about the frenzy”

“What about the frenzy?” Yes! Yes! He sounded so sure of himself, father will be proud once he finds him.

Although Mr. Venigni is right, why did his father cause the frenzy? He… must have had a good reason, Pinocchio trusts his father.

“We were talking about who did it, remember, I gave you the message” Vegni showed Pinocchio the device that held the recording.

“What message?” Pinocchio titled his head curiously, this time he did it on purpose, unlike the rest where it sort of happens naturally for him.

Venigni fell silent, did he not give him the message? Did he start making assumptions because he got too excited about showing his findings? Wouldn’t be the first time he did something like that.

He handed it to Pinocchio again to listen, so he listened and didn’t react at all when it finished.

“I couldn’t hear anything” Pinocchio looked disappointed that he couldn’t help.

Venigni stayed quiet again, Pinocchio celebrating his victory, until Venigni started walking away from him, so he asked where he was going.

“Upstairs” Venigni was done, “To see that painting”

No no no! Pinocchio grabbed Venigni to stop him in a panic.

“If you aren’t lying why are you trying to stop me?!” Venigni snapped, losing all of his composure, he was trying to make Pinocchio get off him.

“I-um, I…” Pinocchio was nervous so his springs were sounding all across the halls of Hotel Krat, the others now looking at the scene unfolding.

“Why are you being so mean to me?!” Pinocchio shouted.

“What?” Venigni stopped, “What do you mean?

“I was trying to help and then you yelled and me and, and-“ Pinocchio focused all his strength, silently dislocating his legion arm as to shed a few tears, “I miss my father, I just want to leave and see him again!”

Venigni began to feel extremely guilty, he can’t believe he was being so hard on Pinocchio; his quest to find the truth was starting to affect him. He had no reason to act that way, Pinocchio has always helped him and the others, and he has no reason to lie. So he apologized over and over again for his behavior.

Pinocchio said that it was okay, and gave him a big warm hug. All was forgiven, for now, he needed to return outside.

When Pinocchio was out of there, he re-adjusted his legion arm, then he grabbed Gemini’s cage, looking directly at the little cricket inside.

“I did it Gemini! I did it!” Pinocchio was smiling, beaming with joy, “I did it how my father taught me!”

Gemini felt shivers going through his tiny spine, “Yeah pal, you did it just like he taught you, congrats”

As they kept going, Gemini had a lot of thoughts in his mind, mainly Pinocchio. Those thoughts intensified when they were facing once more against the Black Rabbit Brotherhood, then confronting the fake Alidoro.

“I know what you are” The stalker was taunting Pinocchio, “You are Geppetto’s puppet aren’t you?”

He sure is, Gemini has heard everyone make so many claims about Pinocchio during this misadventure they are sharing, Pinocchio is his best friend. Everyone questions what Geppetto created but Gemini knows the answer.

“I’m not” Pinocchio had a twisted smile as he pulled out his weapon and mercilessly killed the fake Alidoro.

He created a monster.

#lies of p #lop #liesofp #lies of p game #lies of p fanfic #ao3 link #this is in ao3 too #lies of p pinocchio #lies of p geppetto #lies of p venigni #lies of p gemini

[wellofdean]

Thinking more about this gifset from ep 12x09, The Future, and just want to say a thing about what the word 'subtext' means, because it sometimes feels like what people think it means and what it actually means are not aligned.

So, as a starting point, subtext is defined as "the implied meaning or underlying message of a narrative that is not stated directly. It is the unexpressed thought, feeling, or emotional throughline that lies beneath the text."

The scene in the gifset linked above rife with subtext, and it's really very obvious. But first, there are several layers to the text. There's the visual: Sam looking concerned, Dean working on Cas's truck. There's also the context of the other events in the episode. In brief: Cas returns to the bunker after being out of touch for so long that Dean was worried, and angry with him; Cas tried to return the mixtape Dean gave him and Dean refused to accept it; Cas tells Dean he feels like he just keeps failing and Dean stresses that they need to work together; Cas 'plays him' and steals the Colt from under his pillow; Dean threatens to 'kick his feathered ass' but notably does not follow through. Right before this scene Dean throws Cas the keys to the Impala like it's a totally automatic for him to do (it's not!), only to have Kelly drive off with his Baby, and with Cas.

Here's the transcript:

Sam: How did this happen? Dean: ( Scoffs ) What? The lying? The Heaven plan? Or the fact that I'm working on this stupid truck? Sam: No, I mean, what's wrong with Cas? Dean: Well, he hasn't exactly had a banner year. I mean, think about it. Between Lucifer... (huffs out a breath) ...killing Billie, Ramiel, everything's been blowing up in his face... And he's so desperate for a win right now, he can't even see straight. Go ahead and give it a try. (Engine starts)

So the text of this scene is a combination of what we see, the context in the episode, the wider context of the show and relationships, and the lines.

Here are some examples of the subtext in this scene:

Dean has given some thought to how Cas is feeling.

Dean understands that people make questionable decisions when they are feeling down and defeated.

Dean has been there, and done that.

Dean sympathizes and empathizes with Cas.

Dean's frustrated, but Cas is still family to him.

Dean cares about Cas and wants to help him.

Sam does not quite know what to make of Cas's behavior.

Sam knows that Dean will know better than he does what is motivating Cas to do what he is doing.

Dean is emotionally closer to Cas than Sam is.

Sam relies on Dean's reaction to Cas's recent actions to know how to react himself.

Dean wants Sam to understand and sympathize with Cas, and not judge him too harshly.

There is much more one could add to this, but nothing I've said above is the least bit controversial; it's nothing more than a basic understanding of the content of the text, and it is very clearly communicated. Understanding these things in this scene is not rocket science, and everything I mentioned above is indisputably there as unspoken but clear emotional throughline in the text.

Subtext is not a mysterious puzzle, or a ghost floating around in a text that is invented out of the audience's desires, it is the actual emotional force and content of it. Ernest Hemingway is a long way from being my favourite writer, but he was, nevertheless, a heavyweight champion of subtext. He called it the 'iceberg theory,' or 'theory of omission': the text (words themselves) present only a small part of what is happening in it, but it is important to note that subtext is part of the text like the unseen part of an iceberg is part of an iceberg. A text without subtext would be very boring indeed, and would leave nothing for our minds to do when we process it. It's difficult to imagine any narrative text that doesn't have it.

I think that a lot of the time we say things like: I want Destiel to be explicit, not 'just subtext', but look at what is communicated via subtext above! Virtually everything that's important about the scene! Subtext is not imaginary thing the reader adds, it is part of the intent of the text, and Destiel is more explicit than this in the text in a lot of ways because it is the bones the text is hanging on -- it may not be spoken, but it is part of the structure of the text, and that's because of things like the way Ruby and Sam's story parallels Dean and Cas in season 4, or the way Dean's entire motivation in purgatory is Cas, and when he gets back from purgatory, he can think of little else, or the way Cas very obviously parallels Colette in the MOC arc and there is no Abel, or the entire widower arc, or the fact that main emotional arc of season 15 is Cas and Dean's break up, reconciliation, Cas's confession and finally Dean's despair and willingness to just die in the final episode. There's a lot of that that simply doesn't make any sense without Destiel as a structural element in the narrative.

There are so many ways in which the whole story is BUILT AROUND the assumption that Cas is Dean's strongest bond and partner, and around how important Cas is to Dean's emotional life, which is why I think it's often more accurate to say that Destiel is CONTEXT, because it's actually the reason why we understand the subtext of so many scenes and arcs in the story.

The fact that Cas loves Dean is not subtext, it is explicitly stated, and the fact that Dean loves Cas is not explictly stated, but it is present in the text at so many levels, that to call it 'just subtext' or imagine that it is some kind of unacknowledged, unavowed ghost in the narrative is not accurate. There is no way to understand a thing like Dean's devastated face at Castiel's pyre, or why Castiel leaving in season 15 feels like a divorce without it. Destiel is the emotional force of it, and moreover, it's the part of the iceberg you can't see because it's underwater, but it is fucking there, and IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.

#spn #destiel #is more than subtext #it is structural #destiel is context #dean winchester

[lilover131]

Tsubasa Ending Summary/Explanation

Many have understandably experienced a lot of confusion regarding the ending of Tsubasa. But no need to fear! Chrissy is here! I’m going to do a deep dive of the ending and do my absolute best to explain it as simply as possible, but know that some of this is just a theory as some questions were never fully answered by CLAMP and simply left to our imaginations. This “explanation” I write may also be more of a summary, but I think it will help those who looked at the pages and did not understand what was happening visually. 

 It’s also fair to put a disclaimer here that not all endings are perfect. Sometimes they are messy, and even CLAMP is not excluded from this from time to time. Endings are one of the hardest things to write in a story, but I hope to explain this in a satisfying way that helps any left confused better understand the overall situation in the final battle as well as how things were left off.

 With that said, let’s dive in! And hold on to your butts, cuz’ this is gonna be a long one (like seriously, I wrote 27 pages, please help). 

 Rather than starting in the order that CLAMP presents it, I’m actually going to start in “chronological” order, and I have the word chronological in quotes here because technically time flows in a circular motion here rather than in a linear direction, which ultimately becomes the main root of the conflict. But I consider this moment in my mind to have come ‘first’ as it was the catalyst that started this whole fiasco to begin with.

 THE CURSE

The moment I am referring to in particular is young Syaoran’s (the real one) fateful 7th birthday with Sakura. On the day of Sakura’s 7th birthday (which was also Syaoran’s), Fei Wang Reed appeared and attacked them in the pool within the ruins of Clow. His target appeared to be Sakura, and Syaoran desperately attempted to save her. Shadows began to envelop her, and when Syaoran reached out to take her hand and pull her out, he hesitated for a moment and chose not to grab it as he did not want to ruin all of the hard work she had put into her purification rites by touching her. This choice would of course affect the path of everything afterwards, exactly to Fei Wang Reed’s plan, and from the very beginning, he plants a seed in Syaoran’s mind by stating to him “The future resides on the other side of our choices. The hand you were unable to grab due to a moment’s hesitation…has decided the path for the future to come”.

 Sakura is recognized to have been given a death curse that will eventually consume and kill her, and when Syaoran attempts to fight him, Fei Wang Reed states “You will fight for the sake of your wish? Will your wish and mine become the same?”. This statement will become the first of many that Fei Wang uses to try and manipulate Syaoran. As we know, Syaoran is nearly killed by Fei Wang’s attacks and is transported back to Yuuko’s in his own world to be treated, and he makes a wish to return, his price being a one way ticket with no promise of return.

Upon Syaoran’s hasty return to Clow and without even saying goodbye to his parents, he is immediately met with guilt when he sees Sakura and sees the death curse looming over her chest. Sakura herself and the rest of her family are unable to see it, except for her mother Nadeshiko and of course Syaoran. Nadeshiko is able to see it seemingly because of her strong magical abilities, but as for Syaoran….the reason he can see this is because Fei Wang Reed wished for it, and this is yet another stage of his manipulation tactics. He wants Syaoran to see this mark grow, and he does for many many years. Seven years pass as Syaoran witnesses the mark grow larger and larger, and he has still not come even close to finding a spell to remove it. The weight of his guilt is heavy, and it pains him relentlessly as Sakura slowly moves closer to death. But he made a promise to protect her, and he was determined to keep this promise, even if he was too young at the time to truly understand what a burden this promise was. It was painful, but he knew in his heart it was the right thing. 

The day of Sakura’s 14th birthday arrived, and Syaoran is distressed that he still has yet to find a cure to the cursed mark on her body. Sakura’s parents reassure him that the blame does not fall entirely on him, but he has a hard time accepting this as he was the only one present at the time it was engraved upon her, and furthermore he had the opportunity to save her, but hesitated for that moment. Surely, Fei Wang’s words are echoing in his mind over and over. Nadeshiko reminds him that the future has not yet been decided. 

Sakura arrives in the pool, the same place she was cursed 7 years ago, and she is prepared to undergo her coming of age rites. However, without warning, the wings engraved on her suddenly spring to life and stab her viciously in every part of her body. Her death would be almost instantaneous, however Nadeshiko is quick to act and stops time just before Sakura is fully lost. It is explained to Syaoran that once time starts again, Sakura will lose her life, and she begs Syaoran to save her before collapsing. In that moment of frozen time, Syaoran thinks to himself “If I had grabbed her hand back then…it wouldn’t be like this now!!”. He is wracked with guilt and once again blaming himself for this terrible situation, wishing desperately that he could do something. He thinks to himself “If I could turn time back, then I could….”. Right on cue, Fei Wang Reed preys on Syaoran’s feelings, the seed he had planted seven years ago now coming to fruition. He speaks into his mind and whispers “I’ll fulfill that wish for you”. 

THE WISH 

It is unsurprising that the color page leading up to this particular chapter is Syaoran bound by red threads. The red threads symbolize fate, and it seems someone is manipulating these threads to trap and bind him. That person is none other than Fei Wang. He has been planning this all along and been waiting for this moment. He needed Syaoran to be caught in a desperate situation so that he would be pushed to the point of making a wish that he would not dare do otherwise. He offers to ‘help’ him by turning back time to the moment where he hesitated, however is not kind enough to bother advising him of the consequences of such a decision. In fact, he is prepared to grant the wish whether Syaoran agrees to it or not. After all, Fei Wang doesn’t pay prices…he’d much rather let someone else pay for this. 

Syaoran seems to understand his dire situation and fights with all his strength to move in the stopped time, and in a miraculous moment, his mother’s magic circle appears beneath him, and he finds himself able to move ever so slightly, briefly breaking Fei Wang’s control of the situation. Yuuko enters the fray and properly describes to him the gravity of the wish he desired in his heart and allows him the choice with full understanding of the heavy price he would pay. He was told that not only would it affect him, but it would impact the lives of all involved, but most especially those who knew of the mark (Sakura’s parents), which is not guaranteed to be a happy future. We would later find that Fujitaka would no longer be the king but instead the adoptive father of clone Syaoran, and Nadeshiko would have an untimely passing. 

However, the one who would take on the heaviest burden was of course Syaoran himself. He is advised that even if he succeeds in turning back time, he will not be able to stay by Sakura’s side. His freedom will be stripped away, and his life will also be placed in grave danger with him being able to do nothing but watch. Turning back time is a taboo in magic for a reason, and it is for this reason that the price is so high. Even knowing this, he decides to go forward with the wish, and it is this wish in particular that is the cause of our major conflict. 

THE PRICE 

Upon making his wish, Syaoran is transformed back into a seven year old. He is in a void that seems to be disconnected from the world he was just in (a dream perhaps?), and he is shocked to see another boy floating in front of him. This boy is none other than our beloved Watanuki from XXXHolic. Because Syaoran has to pay a price of his freedom and is unable to be present in the world until he has paid in full, he has left a void in terms of his relationships. To fill the void he has left in the universe, Watanuki was created to take his place as the son of Syaoran’s parents. He is Syaoran himself, but is also a being that should not exist. He exists as a result of a distortion caused by his wish, and Watanuki is one of many distorted things that  has come about from this decision. 

Fei Wang very cruelly explains that Watanuki, being someone who should not exist, will create distortions around him and will cause suffering for the parents who birthed him, but also for himself as well. Fortunately, Yuuko arrives behind Watanuki and reiterates that the future is not decided yet. Watanuki, although having an unconventional existence, would decide his own future, and this seems to bring Syaoran some hope. 

Yuuko chastises Fei Wang and tells him that his wish cannot be granted, but he is determined to bring a lost life back and surpass Clow Reed. Syaoran recognizes the name of Clow Reed as a distant relative of his father’s, but before any more can be said on the matter, Fei Wang grabs hold of poor Syaoran and tells him that it is time to pay his price. Syaoran is told that he will be stripped of his freedom and remain with him as a prisoner while being able to do nothing but watch the world he created unfold. I’m sure when he was told he would pay his freedom as a price, he could have never imagined that it would be by Fei Wang’s hands, so this must have been incredibly distressing. 

Fei Wang outstretches his hand, seemingly trying to take Watanuki with him as well, but Yuuko protects him and insists that although his existence is tied to Syaoran, he is not Syaoran himself and thus does not need to pay the same price. Yuuko even goes as far as to say he will “never fall into his hands”. Fei Wang actually does make attempts to find Watanuki later, but these attempts are foiled, and I will explain further on this later. Fei Wang remarks on how Watanuki’s appearance resembles that of a young Clow, and he believes that this was part of Clow’s plans to try and stop him, even though he has already passed a long time ago. Clow could see the future well in advance after all. 

Despite Fei Wang seeing Clow’s hand in some of this, he doesn’t seem discouraged at all and claims that he has already achieved what he wanted from this situation, which was to create a distortion in time and space. In this particular case, the distortion was that one had become two, and this was all thanks to Syaoran’s wish. Poor Syaoran is further emotionally manipulated as he tells him that he did everything according to his plans, then goes on to threaten him, stating that if he does not comply with his will that he will simply make another of him. Syaoran begs him not to, but Fei Wang tells him “It will be the same as if you had done it yourself”, and we later know that this is the very reason why he had such a difficult time separating himself from his clone’s actions and why he found himself feeling responsible. This is because Fei Wang had convinced him long ago that the horrible things the clone would do were his actions too. He also convinces him that everything that happens from now on is a direct result of his taboo wish, thus putting full responsibility on him and no one else. I didn’t need another reason to hate Fei Wang, but these awful gaslighting tactics are just the icing on the cake, and it doesn’t even end here. Oh no…it gets worse later. 

Before he disappears with Syaoran to torment him more emotionally, such as making him wear his symbol on his clothes, clone him against his will, and then force him into a seven year coma (seriously, fuck this guy), he points to Watanuki and tells him that his existence will cause suffering for all around him, and that he is nothing but a symbol of distorted time and space. Moreover, that he doesn’t have a right to exist. Fei Wang might literally be the worst person in existence. But Yuuko tells him not to listen and that he will meet people who will accept him and keep him alive. Syaoran uses every bit of strength he has to reach out to Watanuki and tell him “Do not vanish!”, urging him to stay alive and fight to exist. Watanuki’s eyes open, and the very first thing he sees is Syaoran reaching out to him before he vanishes. This wish Syaoran leaves with him will echo through his being and will impact him in ways we don’t even fully see throughout XXXHolic. We know that Watanuki later wants to help Syaoran so desperately that he actually pays a price of his memories (this takes place before the events of the XXXHolic manga, so it is not ever shown, only stated to have happened) just to help Syaoran and the others get to Clow country, and it is here that the final arc begins. 

THE CUT OFF TIME 

With Watanuki’s memories as the price, Syaoran and the others are able to be granted their wish to travel to the Kingdom of Clow after the events in Japan (Kurogane’s world), however Yuuko mentions that where they are going is a space cut off from time and not simple to get to. Mokona asks when they arrive (poor thing is totally exhausted by the effort it took to get there) what it means for something to be cut off from time, and Fai explains that he himself isn’t entirely sure, but that it might mean that time’s stopped somehow. The group meets a family in the town, and there is a young boy carrying apples who takes them to his home for a place to stay. Tbe group is on edge understandably, as everything seems to be perfectly ordinary, but there must be something wrong here. 

They go to sleep and when they awake, it appears there is already something odd. The mother letting them stay in their home had promised to make breakfast for them in the morning, but there was no food or people in sight. Worried that something happened to them, they exit the home and the family runs into them again on the street, repeating the exact same words and actions they had when they first met, as if they did not recognize them at all. They play along, obviously suspicious of the events playing out exactly the same as they had yesterday. Even odder is that when they left the house before, it had already been near sunset, meaning that the day that was repeating was not even a full day. Fai suggests they hold out for one more day to test the theory and find out if tomorrow is any longer in length. While Fai and Kurogane talk in the other room, Syaoran stays up to try and see if he can determine at what time the day starts over, but he doesn’t have to wait long before his vision goes blurry, and he falls unconscious without warning. 

When they all awake, they find that the day is moving exactly the same way it had the previous two days. The people of Clow are forced to repeat the same day over and over with no movement forward. It is a sad existence, but what seems even more concerning is that the amount of people appears to be decreasing. Syaoran then decides to ask the question of what festival is being celebrated in particular, as this was a topic brought up each day, and it is revealed that the festival is to celebrate Sakura’s 7th birthday. This piece of information leads Syaoran to fully understand the situation, but before he can divulge this to the others, the mother who had taken them in the previous days melts before their very eyes. Her son seems to be completely unaware and is still smiling. 

People one by one around them also melt, but no one is reacting in horror except for Syaoran, Fai, Kurogane, and Mokona. Syaoran recognizes what is occurring and explains to the others that they have been living in a single day over and over again without change, and their appearance and questions changed things. They are confirmed to not be illusions, but real people who are dying before them as a result of the distortion they are causing just by being there. This enrages Syaoran, because he knows that Fei Wang has put them in this position and is forcing them to forsake human lives in order to continue. 

Syaoran realizes that he has no choice but to continue onwards, no matter how painful it is to do so, and insists they must go to the ruins immediately. This proves to be much more emotionally difficult than expected as the young boy they had met starts to melt himself, repeatedly saying “Come stay with us!”. More and more people begin to melt, and Syaoran takes the boy’s hands, looking absolutely agonized about what he must do, but he understands that being in a time where one cannot move forward is the same as being dead. They are already dead. Despite this, he still feels immense guilt and embraces the boy, apologizing to him and taking all of the blame onto himself, stating that there is no justification for what he is doing. Surely he is still hearing Fei Wang’s words in his mind when he told him “You will only be able to watch the paths unfold that you, yourself distorted”. 

Fai senses his distress and touches his hand, and Kurogane pitches in to tell him that if he is guilty, then he himself is just as guilty too. Fai and Mokona also share the blame with him, and these words are incredibly meaningful to Syaoran. He has always taken all of the burden on himself, but now he has companions who are willing to share this with him. He is no longer alone. 

They make their way to the ruins, and Syaoran predicts that time will be frozen within the ruins on “that day”. He is correct, and time is stopped inside on the moment that Sakura on her seventh birthday had been cursed, just before he had hesitated to grab her hand. It is at this point when Syaoran tells the group everything about his past, and it becomes clear that this moment in time was cut off from time and space so that Syaoran could take Sakura’s hand. After all, the prices he paid to turn back time to this very moment would be worthless if he was unable to come back.

But him telling his story to the group was not just to explain the stopped time in this place. He was carrying even more guilt and expressed that his wish likely changed their courses as well, resulting in the unfortunate circumstances that happened in all of their pasts, such as Fai being born a twin and Kurogane’s mother and father being murdered. It becomes clear that Fei Wang’s words really have impacted him when he says “Back then, Fei Wang said something. He said ‘it’s the same as if you had done it yourself’”, and as a result of those words, he had been taking the responsibility for literally every bad thing that had occurred since (that manipulation is really rearing its head now).  Syaoran asks them to make a choice as to what they will do now, effectively asking them if they wish to stay with him or not, or even worse….take out their anger on him. He is prepared to take on any punishment they deem worthy.

 He looks pained and closes his eyes, prepared for the worst, and Kurogane reaches out, seemingly to strike him, but instead gives him a little knock on the head; his way of showing affection. Fai similarly shows affection by cupping his face and explains that they have decided to stay with him and that seeing Syaoran’s distressed face made Kurogane grouchy. Fai then assures Syaoran that although he did break a taboo, he cannot possibly take responsibility for everything that happened afterwards, and to even try to was actually arrogant. Kurogane backs Fai up by stating that had he been in his shoes, he would have chosen the exact same thing. No one blames him for the choices he made or even the potential consequences that occurred as a result, and they thank him for coming forward and telling them as it must have been painful to do so. I can only imagine that Syaoran had been imagining this conversation the entire time while travelling with them, and he probably thought they would beat him or leave him once they knew the truth. Knowing now that that was not the case must have been an enormous weight off his shoulders, and he finally has a feeling of belonging. He had just told these people his darkest secrets and biggest mistakes, and they accept him exactly as he is. This moment here is what brings them closer together and leads Syaoran to become much more vulnerable and honest with them in the future. And while he has this very profound moment of belonging, he prays that Watanuki is feeling the same with people who accept him and care for him just as he is. 

THE DECISION TO MOVE FORWARD

Fei Wang can tell that Syaoran is emboldened now by the support of his companions, and he has made a decision to continue forward and take the hand he could not before. However, despite Fei Wang wanting this to occur, he is not going to make it easy for him. Clone Syaoran appears (I will call him C!Syaoran from here on out to differentiate them), appearing no different emotionally after his last appearance in which he accidentally stabbed Sakura’s soul. Kurogane and Fai instantly move in front of Syaoran to protect him and asks Mokona to take a step back for her safety. Even more than that, Fai tells her to take care of Syaoran if something happens, meaning that Fai is not entirely sure they will make it out alive in this battle. Mokona tells them that they are all going to get through this together and steps back. 

A portal opens behind C!Syaoran, revealing Fei Wang. This naturally infuriates everyone as he has done unspeakably cruel actions to all of them and many others. He is undoubtedly someone evil who needs to be stopped. Fei Wang wastes zero time trying to manipulate Syaoran once again by rubbing in how this moment is ‘burned into his regrets’. He tells him that he has warped space and time to wind back time to this moment, and that this cut off time he created has been essentially abandoned by the laws of the universe. He insists that Syaoran must have known the damage that would be caused as a result but that he chose not to stop. Fei Wang implies that Syaoran is no different from himself, stomping on the wishes of others to fulfill his own wish. And THANK GOD Kurogane silences him by throwing an attack his way and telling him very directly to shut the hell up. Kurogane is so 1000% done with Fei Wang’s shit and won’t allow him to manipulate Syaoran any further. He even manages to land a scratch on his hand! 

Kurogane tells Fei Wang to come out and face him, but it seems clear that he won’t do so. They are prepared to fight and do everything they can to get to Fei Wang, but in the meantime, Fai imparts on Syaoran some valuable advice. He tells him that there is no way to know what the future will hold as a result of our choices, and that there is no point thinking about it. Instead, we should act on what we can do and according to our own will, and that this is the very opposite of running away. He implores Syaoran to think about what it is he wants to do now, and Syaoran responds very simply that he will not let Sakura die. This is one belief that has always held true, and knowing this, he will do whatever it takes to keep her from dying.

Syaoran has made his choice to move forward, and C!Syaoran turns, seeming to have made a choice of his own. There is unfinished business between the clone and the original that needs to be concluded before they can move forward. 

THE SACRIFICE 

While Kurogane and Fai are taking on the minions Fei Wang created from stolen souls from the XXXHolic world and willingly sacrifices (this fucker knows no bounds), Syaoran is fighting C!Syaoran. The battle proves to immediately become extremely difficult for Syaoran, and he is struggling to hold up against C!Syaoran’s enormous magical energy. It appears that he has grown even stronger since their last battle, and Syaoran had undoubtedly lost that one before. It doesn’t look good at all, and in his frustration, Syaoran confronts him about Sakura’s death, asking if that had really meant nothing at all to him. C!Syaoran doesn’t react to this and keeps attacking, blowing very easily through all of Syaoran’s defenses. 

Syaoran is having difficulty even just getting up off the floor, and even after engulfing C!Syaoran in flames, he quite easily dissipates it. Fei Wang elaborates that the clone has been using magic constantly in the many worlds he has traveled to, and as a result has grown much stronger. Moments later, Syaoran is disarmed and pinned to the ground by C!Syaoran’s foot. It’s a desperate situation, but Fei Wang ensures that Fai and Kurogane are unable to interfere as he summons more soldiers to get in their way. Despite this, they fight hard and are desperate to get to the boy before it is too late. C!Syaoran mutters that he will do what he must before he thrusts the sword downwards. 

A silhouette of blood spurts out from what appears to have been a brutal stabbing. Fai and Kurogane are furious and barrel their way through soldiers to try and get to Syaoran. Before they can reach them, C!Syaoran unleashes a massive blast of magic energy that doesn’t just take out Fai and Kurogane temporarily, but also takes out every soldier that Fei Wang unleashed. Fei Wang seems more amused by this and remarks at the usefulness of his magic. C!Syaoran then grabs Syaoran by his cloak and whispers something into his ear. It’s unclear what is said to him, but he then hoists him up and begins to drag Syaoran’s limp body towards Fei Wang. 

Fei Wang comments on how even dead, Syaoran’s body is worth using and that if the clone were to perish, he’d only need to transfer the soul of the clone into the original’s body. This further illustrates his absolute lack of respect for human life. Everything is just a chess piece to him in his plan. Even while standing right in front of C!Syaoran, he speaks of how he intends to use the clone until he is ‘ground into dust’. It’s in this moment that he seems to break the thin, film like barrier that was separating him from the other world, and he is now exposed. The mage holds out his hand, waiting for C!Syaoran to hand over Syaoran, and Kurogane and Fai are not about to let that happen. They rise to their feet despite their injuries, and Kurogane even goes as far as to rip off his own mechanical arm to do so. 

But the joke is on Fei Wang when Syaoran reveals that he is in fact not dead and stabs his sword right into his torso (fuck yeah!). Everyone is shocked, naturally, but none more so than Fei Wang. He quickly deduces after seeing the stab wound in C!Syaoran’s foot that he had actually stabbed into himself to create the illusion of killing Syaoran and trick him. It seems implied that when C!Syaoran whispered in Syaoran’s ear, he was letting him know about the plan and telling him to pretend to be dead until they could get close enough to make a move.

This plan turned out to be quite brilliant and not only managed to injure and surprise Fei Wang, but also exposed him for further attack. He got him to come out of his safe place, and he also even killed all the soldiers Fei Wang summoned without drawing any suspicion. Unfortunately, the advantage didn’t last long, and in his rage, Fei Wong brings forth a sword and lunges at Syaoran. He has no time to react and seems doomed…but at the last second, someone pulls him out of the way and places themselves between Syaoran and the sword. That person is unfortunately C!Syaoran. 

Syaoran is completely stunned. Not only did he just help him get close to Fei Wang for an attack, but he had now sacrificed himself for him; a person who up until a short period of time ago was believed to still have no heart. Despite having a massive blade through his chest, C!Syaoran keeps a calm gaze and keeps his eyes on Syaoran. Without looking back even once, his hand outstretches, and he begins weaving magic to forcefully pull open the dimensional portal leading to Fei Wang. 

Fei Wang is furious about this insubordination, and in his retaliation, he pulls the sword roughly from C!Syaoran’s body, irrevocably damaging him. The blood pours out and Syaoran seems to cry out in horror. Although injured himself, Fei Wang is still on his feet and prepares to fire another attack at them, which is swiftly blocked by a spell of Syaoran’s own. 

Syaoran is confused and seems to still be grappling with the situation. He asks his clone why he sacrificed himself, and C!Syaoran explains that he wanted to know what words Sakura had intended to say next. This is heartbreaking, because we all know the next words were going to be ‘I love you..’, but she had disappeared before getting to say it. C!Syaoran chose to sacrifice himself in the same way Sakura did, all so that he could see her again and hear her say those words that would mean everything to him. It’s clear that her death did affect him, and when he looked at Syaoran before their last battle and stated that it ‘would end today’…he was very likely referring to himself. It was his intention to die that day, because without Sakura, what did he have left to live for? I don’t think this act was impulsive, and I’m sure he knew the moment he retaliated against Fei Wang that he would certainly kill him for it. 

C!Syaoran finally collapses, but before he strikes the ground, Syaoran catches him and cradles him as he coughs blood and seems to struggle to breathe. In his last moments, he releases a blue gem from his right eye, containing the feathers he’s collected for Sakura as well as Fai’s magic. With his last breath, he mutters Kurogane, Fai, Mokona, and Sakura’s names, but much to Syaoran’s surprise, he also calls out his. He gently touches Syaoran’s arm and says ‘I’m sorry…and thank…you’ before his body shatters into many pieces of glass, symbolizing the mirror he had been born from. This moment is so meaningful because he says the words they all needed to hear from him so badly, but it is that much more painful because it is too late. He finally grew a heart and seemed to return to himself, but now he was gone. And for Syaoran, this hurts perhaps the worst for him, because he moreso than anyone wanted to save him. He watched his whole life through his eyes and cared about him deeply, and to be acknowledged as his own person by him in that final moment was heartwrenching. When Syaoran had his first conversation with Mokona in Acid Tokyo, Mokona could tell right away with her powers of empathy that Syaoran had wanted to travel together with all of them, including C!Syaoran. And now that dream had literally shattered in his arms. 

PAYBACK (?) 

Syaoran is devastated and holding what remains of his clone in his protective barrier of wind magic. He allows Fai and Kurogane to enter, and they are able to hear the remnants of C!Syaoran’s last words. 

Fai holds the gem containing the magic C!Syaoran left behind and Kurogane grips Hien, the sword that he had trained C!Syaoran how to use. The two visibly grieve his loss, and Kurogane is frustrated that he had the strength to apologize, but not to stay alive. Fai accepts the magic back into his body, his eye returning to its previous state. He can tell that his magic is stronger than before, and that C!Syaoran had purposely used it as much as he could so that he could return it stronger than it was to Fai. However, Fai comments that he much rather would have had C!Syaoran return to them instead of having his magic back. 

Syaoran rises to his feet, his face seeming  calm on the outside, but it is clear that there is a burning rage on the inside. Kurogane can recognize it too and hands him Hien. It’s only fitting that Syaoran use it now, and the group immediately gets to work on getting their revenge on Fei Wang.

Fai works a spell to further open up the portal leading to Fei Wang. Kurogane and Syaoran charge forward with deadly intent, and while Syaoran distracts Fei Wang, Kurogane goes in for what seems like the killing blow. He is seemingly sliced in half until it is revealed that it was an illusion, and he had used his henchman Kyle as a human shield. Poor Kyle unfortunately was not notified of the plan, and it appears that Fei Wang had instructed him to stand in that exact spot at that exact moment, setting him up to take the kill for him. Fei Wang smirks from the mirror just behind Kyle and holds Sakura’s soulless body, claiming that he ‘allowed’ Kyle to stay alive as long as he did, but ultimately, he too was a failure, even as a body double (THE FUCKIN’ NERVVVVEEEEE). 

Syaoran shares my personal rage and is 1,000,000% done with Fei Wang’s disregard for living creatures and shouts his name with four whole exclamation points (!!!!), visibly expressing his very visceral anger. 

REDEMPTION 

After so brutally killing C!Syaoran and then allowing Kyle to die for him, Fei Want states that one can’t expect much from man made things (he’s also in a way insulting C!Syaoran saying this), but then claims ‘the real thing is something else entirely’ as he strokes Sakura’s face (so creepy!). Syaoran certainly doesn’t stand for this and goes in for an attack. 

However, as he does, Sakura’s body (the body of the Clone Sakura whose soul and body was separated in Infinity after being stabbed by Fai) floats up into the air, and Fei Wang states that ‘it’s beginning’. What he means, is that his wish is starting to come to fruition. The once frozen time around them begins to move forward, reacting to Sakura’s body nearby, and the black mass surrounding the young Sakura from the 7th birthday incident starts to swallow her slowly once again. 

Syaoran is now forced to either go after Sakura’s body or to take the hand of the young princess he could not save all those years ago. Kurogane and Fai insist he go to the young Sakura and that he had been waiting all this time and suffered so much for this moment. Kurogane and Fai step forward, intending to handle the situation regarding the other Sakura and to try and stop Fei Wang, but it is clear which Sakura Syaoran must go to. He runs out of the portal and back into the frozen space that is beginning to move. He is having difficulty moving himself, but he refuses to give up and fights with all his power to get to her hand. He had to take her hand this time, and Fei Wang seems eager for him to take it. He wants Syaoran to do this. 

While he struggles, Mokona suddenly senses a feather nearby, but she is confused as there shouldn’t be any feathers here that she is aware of. Fei Wang is amused by this and explains that at one time it was true that there was no feather here, but the rules of the universe had slowly begun to crumble during their journey to different worlds, and that their journey even impacted the future of some, such as the country of Shara. However, he gets to the point of this by leading them to the realization that the Country of Clow is also a result of a future they altered. Upon realizing some common attributes, they soon come to understand that the country of Clow is in fact the future of Acid Tokyo. The ruins are where the Metropolitan Government building once stood (the building where C!Syaoran lost his heart), and the pool of water within the ruins is the water that was protected by the feather Sakura left behind. This is also why the water protected Sakura when Fei Wang cursed her on her 7th birthday; because her feather had protected it and kept it pure for many many years. The country of Clow exists because of Sakura’s feather. 

The feather emerges from the water, and it’s this feather in particular that is special. It has spanned dimensions and time, and so when this feather returns to Sakura’s body, this seems to be one of the final pieces required to set in motion Fei Wang’s wish. Everyone seems to be frozen in place, and Fei Wang monologues about how Sakura’s body has been engraved with the memories of many worlds and dimensions, and the feather she just received has unparalleled power that will ‘tear apart the bonds that connect the dimensions to one another’. Fei Wang is effectively trying to break the universe’s rules entirely, because by doing so, he hopes to also break the most cardinal rule that ‘the dead cannot come back to life’. 

Sakura’s body sprouts wings, and we can see that this is already making an effect on the worlds they have visited as a dangerous distorted looking swirl is filling the skyr, mimicking what they are seeing in their cut off time. The very world around them seems to be shattering to pieces like glass, but despite the chaos happening, Syaoran is still fighting to take the young Sakura’s hand. Kurogane and Fai attempt to stop Fei Wang, but are blasted back by magic. Syaoran looks over to them with worry, temporarily distracted. Certainly, he wants to help them, but they cry out to him, as if to tell him not to give up and not worry about them. Syaoran clenches his fist in renewed determination and grows closer to her hand. It seems there is little of the world left around him as it shatters, but just as Kurogane and Fai land a blow on Fei Wang, Syaoran finally takes Sakura’s hand. 

 THE FINAL CHAIN 

Syaoran holds the young Sakura close, cherishing the moment he was able to redeem. However, it appears Fei Wang is pleased by this, and he states that by grabbing her hand, the final link in the chain was broken. He had gone to the very point of death and changed the future. The choice he made called to ‘one who was stopped one step from the edge of death’ (Clone Sakura when she was stabbed by Fai) and also calls to ‘one who stopped within an instant’s time’ (young Sakura). The two fuse together, and Fei Wang states that this fusion “calls that person (Yuuko) back”.  

From her own world, Yuuko falls to her knees. She claims that the dream must remain a dream, and that the ones who started it must finish it. This is directed towards Fei Wang, and she wants him to give up on this impossible wish. But she also mentions Clow’s name, because along with Yuuko were the ones who started this.

Fai remarks at how both Sakura’s had incredibly strong power all on their own, but together would be unspeakably powerful. Fei Wang explains that he had gathered souls (this was done via the wing creatures in XXXHolic), and he had tried to place them in nearly identical bodies, but they all turned out to be ‘failures’. But this time, he managed to obtain an empty vessel with memories of many dimensions (Sakura’s body), a feather that had spanned many eons of time within water, and the true Sakura (young Sakura) who is able to accept both of these things into herself. They were all gathered together into one ridiculously powerful being. 

Fei Wang states how Clow Reed once attempted this same wish to revive someone back from the dead, but that he had failed. He also mentions that like Sakura, Clow placed the person he wanted to save in a cut off time separated from dimensions.  It is revealed at this point that Yuuko is the one that Clow wanted to revive. The light that was enveloping this fused Sakura begins to vanish, seemingly transferring to Yuuko. It appears that Fei Wang is trying to sap this Sakura entirely of her power and life for the sake of reviving Yuuko.

The group moves to try and stop this process, but Fei Wang is not having it and strikes all of them with magic, insisting they will not interfere. He is too close to his wish being fulfilled to let it be stopped now, and he is almost mad with excitement. He is obsessed with surpassing Clow. Syaoran cries out Sakura’s name due to the grim situation,, but elsewhere, Yuuko refuses to let this happen and states that this dream cannot be fulfilled by anyone. 

THOSE WHO WAITED 

In her shop, she gazes down at what seems to be a little glass tube, the same tube we see Sakura and Syaoran trapped in on the very first page of the manga. As she looks upon this magical artifact, she claims that many people in many places, and for many reasons have all waited for this time. Among the objects in her shop and within this artifact are two souls that she has kept concealed and protected until this moment. The two she refers to are the Syaoran and Sakura that are “Syaoran’s” parents. After he left for Clow country, they used their powerful magic to turn back time on their bodies and paid a price of distancing themselves not just from their own children (Syaoran and Watanuki), but from themselves as well. Like Syaoran paid the price of his freedom and time, they did the same by being trapped in this artifact and being unable to touch or hear each other behind a thin glass wall for many years. But they willingly did this for the ones they love and specifically “two futures”. 

Yuuko states that her time has begun to move again, just like the young Sakura’s in the cut off time. She is between the threshold of life and death as someone who should have died long ago, and because of this new change in events, she can now effectively send Syaoran’s parents to the others through dreams. The glass artifact breaks, and Yuuko’s magic circle appears in the cutoff time in Clow Country. Everyone, including Fei Wang, is incredibly surprised when another Syaoran and Sakura appear: “Syaoran’s” parents who had sent him on his journey. 

Syaoran looks all around him at his father behind him and his mother in front of him. He recognizes them immediately, but he also spots Watanuki standing off to the side nearby. The panels are all black behind them, indicating that they are currently in a dream, which makes sense as Yuuko had used this method to transport M!Sakura and D!Syaoran (I will use this from now on to help differentiate, but the M! Stands for Mom and the D! Stands for Dad. Haha).. Watanuki has also developed in XXXHolic the ability to enter dreams as a dreamseer, so it makes sense for him to be there (he seems to have inherited this from his mama! <3).

 Despite Watanuki having no memories of his past (Watanuki mentions in XXXHolic how he doesn’t even remember his parents faces or names), he seems to find M!Sakura and D!Syaoran familiar, The parents both look at him, and M!Sakura looks first to Syaoran, then to Watanuki before smiling and saying “everything will be all right”. This is beautiful as this is CCS Sakura’s invincible spell, and we learn that M!Sakura did not create this phrase on her own but rather learned it directly from CCS Sakura herself via a dream. 

REWRITING THE UNIVERSE

They no longer appear to be in a dream anymore as Watanuki is no longer beside them and the black background disappears, but M!Sakura and D!Syaoran remain. Yuuko’s magic to transport them to the other world via a dream  was successful, and D!Syaoran seems ready to get straight to business. He says very seriously that they have to “ensure that they can choose their future”, and their respective magic circles appear beneath M!Sakura and D!Syaoran. Syaoran tries to move forward to grab onto Sakura but is held back by his father, and M!Sakura grabs onto her instead. The magic is strong and easy to be swept away in, and Fai wastes no time creating some magical protection himself for him, Kurogane, and Mokona. 

The entire world is enveloped in massive magic circles, and Mokona asks what is happening. It’s clear something big is occurring, but she is not sure what it is. Fai very firmly advises them not to leave the bubble he created to protect them. M!Sakura and D!Syaoran are rewriting the laws of the universe and trying to repair them, and with such high level magic changing everything around them, there is no telling what would happen if they leave the protection of the barrier. Fei Wang is furious and prepares to attack them. M!Sakura and D!Syaoran defiantly tell Fei Wang they will not let him destroy these worlds. 

The broken shards of the world of Clow country they saw before start to piece back together, and M!Sakura and D!Syaoran are incredibly focused as they pour all of their magic power into this task. It’s not an easy one, and Fai is absolutely floored at how strong the two are. Sweat drips down their face, displaying the physical toll this sort of spell is putting on them. When asked if they can do it, Fai explains they are certainly powerful, but he is questioning how they managed to remain hidden like they were if they were capable. Magic that strong would be able to be felt from even another dimension, and it seems this is the major reason why they had chosen to turn back time and hide themselves in the artifact in Yuuko’s shop. By being in that place, it kept them hidden from Fei Wang so that he wouldn’t be alerted to their plans. In fact, they had actually done quite a bit not just to hide themselves, but to protect Syaoran and Watanuki as well. Watanuki was given the chosen name of ‘Kimihiro’ which means ‘to visit’. This name was given as a promise that they would return to him one day, whereas Watanuki means ‘April 1st’, to symbolize his birthday as well as a old Japanese tradition in which starting from the beginning of April, one would change their winter kimono into a summer kimono by removing the cotton lining. 

Additionally, “Syaoran” was given the name he was because in the magical world in the CLAMPverse, knowing one’s true name gives someone access to that person’s soul, and knowing one’s birthday allows them to control someone’s life (from chapter 1 of XXXHolic per Yuuko). This is why when young Syaoran told Yuuko upon their first meeting that his name was “Syaoran Li”, she told him “Your father has taught you well”. Watanuki’s first meeting with Yuuko paralleled this, however she laughed at him for giving his name and birthday to a complete stranger. The fake name of Syaoran was meant to protect him from other magical users, but primarily Fei Wang. 

D!Syaoran develops a cut on his arm from the sheer intensity of the magic he’s performing (just to show the gravity of how important it is for him to stay focused), and when Syaoran shouts with worry, D!Syaoran tells him not to lose focus. He reminds him of how when he was a child, he had decided back then that if there was something he needed to do, that he would do it. He had decided not to let Sakura die, and that was a promise he intended to keep. M!Sakura smiles, and D!Syaoran tells him to never lose sight of his wish, and that if he wants it to be fulfilled, he must choose, no matter how painful that choice may be. Essentially, he’s saying “Don’t worry about me, worry about the life you promised to save”. Syaoran seems shocked, and I think he knew to some extent at this point that D!Syaoran was aware of an outcome that Syaoran hadn’t considered. 

Just when you thought Fei Wang had finally shut up for a change, he returns to the conversation with a vengeance, shouting that nothing will interfere with his wish. He fires a spell at them while M!Sakura and D!Syaoran are entirely unable to defend themselves while focused on their massive spell. Initially, the blast seems to land, but when the dust clears, Syaoran is revealed as having created a shield to protect him and his parents from the attack. Fei Wang sends another attack in his rage, and Syaoran does his best to defend from it, but is quickly getting overwhelmed. Fai lends some of his own power to try and help, but ultimately, it does no good. Syaoran and his parents are struck, but even Fai is blasted off his feet.  D!Syaoran loses his grip on Syaoran, who starts to plummet down to the ground, and Kurogane catches Fai before the same can happen to him. Fortunately, D!Syaoran catches Syaoran’s hand in just the right time, and a magic circle appears underneath everyone to support them. However, the magic circle that appears is not D!Syaoran’s typical circle, but Clow Reed’s! Of all the things to surprise Fei Wang, this is probably the biggest surprise of all, and I personally loved seeing his confused dumbfounded face. He remarks at how it doesn’t just look like Clow’s circle, but actually is Clow’s circle exactly, down to every detail. 

He asks how it is that he is able to use it, and Yuuko, being the timely woman she is, appears as an image within the pieces of the world that M!Sakura and D!Syaoran managed to put back together and states that D!Syaoran can use this because Clow himself passed this on to him. 

REBORN TOGETHER 

Although Yuuko appears to speaking in past tense, the scene happening before her right at that moment is one that directly impacts the future. The glass shards of C!Syaoran’s body join Yuuko in the dream world and form back into full body. He gazes at Yuuko with confusion and asks here where he is. She tells him that he is in the dream world, however he still doesn’t quite understand how he is there in front of her when he was killed not long ago by Fei Wang’s blade. Yuuko confirms that he was indeed killed by Fei Wang, but explains that the reason he is there now is because he is a man-made creation, and as a result, he cannot die but merely vanish. 

C!Sakura’s body forms in the dream world as well, and C!Syaoran is advised that she too is the same. Before the two of them vanished completely, they were brought here, and Yuuko also mentions that C!Syaoran’s heart came along with him too, fully confirming that he has indeed developed a heart of his very own. C!Sakura, however, was only a soul without a body when she was killed, so to remedy the lack of a body to return to, Yuuko retrieved the original Sakura’s body that she was cloned from. Unlike with Syaoran, Fei Wang had cloned Sakura’s body and heart, and the process of this unfortunately killed the original. It was too much for the original to withstand, but the body that was left behind is able to serve as a vessel for the clone’s soul now, which is a mirror image of the original. It’s rather depressing to think that the Sakura we saw in the first chapter was technically dead the moment she dropped into that opening in the ruins. 

C!Syaoran then asks the million dollar question. Why are they there? Yuuko offers the two of them a choice; a choice of their future. It is explained to them that they are both man-made, so they cannot die. However, for that very reason as well, they are able to be reborn. Naturally, C!Syaoran’s first reaction is to ask what the price would be. To  give life to something is an extremely heavy price, and the only equal price for a life is…well, a life. But Yuuko tells them that they no longer have to worry about paying a price, as they have already paid enough in their journey. She explains that the responsibility of this situation squarely lies on her and Clow’s shoulders, as this situation started as a result of them. When Yuuko was moments from death, Clow wished for just a moment that she would open her eyes again. Because Clow’s magic was so enormously powerful, this innocent wish resulted in Yuuko’s time stopping, just like Sakura with Syaoran’s wish to turn back time. Consequentially, Fei Wang then lifted a hand to grant Clow’s wish, starting everything they were dealing with now. 

When C!Sakura hears Clow’s name, she addresses him as her father, but Yuuko advises her that when Syaoran turned back time, the lives of those who knew of the death mark were impacted greatly. Nadeshiko, Sakura’s mother, passed away, and Fujitaka, her father, instead became C!Syaoran’s adoptive father. To fill the void of Sakura having no parents, Clow took this place, leaving everything behind (including Kero and Yue. This Clow is indeed the same Clow as CCS and may be the only Clow in existence). He did this to guide them and help them, but more than that, he did it so that when the time came, he could pay the price for C!Syaoran to be reborn. He gave up his very life for the time C!Syaoran would decide. C!Syaoran is stunned by this, because this means a man he really didn’t know well gave up his very life and magic for him, all so he could have another chance.

 Yuuko gazes to C!Sakura and tells her that she will pay her price. When asked why, Yuuko replies that the warped world they are currently in is the first one. Time is stopped to have kept her from dying due to Clow’s inadvertent wish, thus she is a being that should no longer be alive anyways. Yuuko was meant to die many many years ago, and there is no need for C!Sakura and C!Syaoran to pay anymore prices after having suffered so much. Their originals, Syaoran and Sakura, have also suffered far too much. 

With the price being laid out and ready to be paid, Yuuko explains to them what being reborn will actually mean for them. If they are reborn, they will retain all of their memories, including the painful ones. Additionally, they will once again head towards “this time”. C!Syaoran doesn’t quite understand what she means by this, and Yuuko tells them that time is no longer flowing in one direction and that the past, present, and future are all twisted up and mixed as a result of the rules of the universe broken by Fei Wang. Despite this being broken, there is one thing that still remains true, and that is that their choices in the present can affect both the past and the future. They may be reborn and live a new life, but they will meet their other selves somewhere along the way, and the ones who will decide what happens at that point will be them. 

C!Syaoran looks at Sakura with a pained expression and talks about how has hurt so many people, including Sakura. Yuuko tries to console him by telling him that he was acting according to Fei Wang’s will and not his own, but C!Syaoran states that even despite this, it was his hands that did it. He is so haunted by these memories of the horrendous things he did while missing his heart, that he seems to be hesitant to start over in a new life. But C!Sakura speaks up and tells him that if what he did is considered a crim, that she would like to accept the punishment with him. In a beautiful declaration, she tells him that she will take on any punishment if it means she gets to live a life with him (-weeps-). C!Syaoran, although surely not wanting C!Sakura to suffer on his behalf, sees her desperate pleading in her eyes and takes her hand. The choice has been made, and Yuuko and Clow’s circles appear beneath them. 

Before they can even ask, Yuuko lets them know that when they are reborn, it will be in the same world, at the same time, and they will meet each other again. Knowint that they are sure to see each once again and will have a life together, C!Sakura finally confesses her feelings to C!Syaoran and tells him she loves him. She is finally able to say the words she wanted to say before she passed, and C!Syaoran gets to hear the words he died to hear. C!Syaoran tells her that he loves her too, and the two of them are wrapped in wings before they disappear from the dream world. 

Now that the prices have been paid, the stopped time in Yuuko’s dream world begins to move again, the blackness starts to consume her body to finally end the life that should have been gone long ago. In her final moments, she wishes for their happiness, and in XXXHolic, this is when she has her final conversation with Watanuki. 

TIMES OF HAPPINESS 

In the future, the reborn C!Sakura is standing under a sakura tree in Hong Kong. Her school had a school trip to this place, and C!Sakura explains to her classmates that she this is her first time out of Japan. However, she has always wanted to travel because there is someone she wants to meet. We all know this to be C!Syaoran, and fortunately for her, C!Syaoran arrives only moments later, who just happens to be walking down some nearby steps. The moment they see each other, C!Sakura is brought to tears, and C!Syaoran smiles warmly at her. The two embrace, and they had always believed they would eventually find each other. 

Flash forward several years later, C!Sakura is sitting on a luxurious bed, holding a small baby in her arms. C!Syaoran steps inside and C!Sakura apologizes for having worried him, stating the baby and her are all right now. It seems that she had a difficult birth; one that lead C!Syaoran to fear he would lose her again, but she assures him that she will never leave him behind. They have an incredibly precious moment holding their child together. 

C!Sakura tells C!Syaoran about how his mother remarked about the baby looking just like him when he was a baby, but it appears that there is more reason for that than just genetics. This child isn’t just their child but C!Syaoran original, Syaoran. They reflect on the words Yuuko had said to them long ago about how they would meet their other selves eventually in their reborn life, but this also reminds them that they are once again heading towards “that time” (trademark CLAMP. Lol. They really love that phrase). C!Syaoran embraces C!Sakura and their child, stating that he will protect them both despite this, no matter what. C!Sakura smiles, seeming to have some comfort in this. 

Several years later, we see a six year old Syaoran telling his mother about the training session he had with his father earlier that morning. He seems to be enjoying these times, and C!Sakura wraps her arms around him. Syaoran is a bit confused by the sudden show of affection, but she tells him that she is simply so happy that he was born her son. While she holds him, she and C!Syaoran exchange serious glances before she sends Syaoran off to collect herbs for tea. C!Syaoran wonders if he’ll have a chance to train Syaoran tomorrow, 

He has sensed that something serious has happened, and C!Sakura advises him that she has had a dream. In the dream, she saw Syaoran and Sakura in a glass tunnel (the artifact), separated by a glass wall. When asked if there is any chance of changing it, C!Sakura says that Syaoran’s existence as their child should be an impossibility, but time is repeating in a circle, resulting in the past events repeating once again. C!Sakura goes on to explain that there was only one dream she had that showed a different future than the life they experienced, which means it is the only way out of the endless circle. If they continue in this path, Sakura and Syaoran will be separated from each other at the end, and after all the suffering they know he will endure, they cannot bear to think of it all ending in that way. So in order to prevent this from happening and help to break the cycle, they instead place themselves in the artifact. They are able to do this, because they too are “Sakura” and “Syaoran”. 

It seems like such a grim prospect, but C!Sakura tells C!Syaoran about her other dream, where she met a version of herself from another world who told her that everything will be all right, because they have people they love, and their happiness comes from them (even in cameo version, CCS Sakura is an absolute blessing). C!Sakura goes on to say that her happiness was being born in this world and being able to live alongside him, as well as having their son. C!Syaoran shares the exact same sentiment, and he repeats himself again in his desire to protect both C!Sakura and their son. He also tells her that even if they are separated again, he will most definitely find her. 

Shortly after this conversation, perhaps the very same day, C!Syaoran gave young Syaoran both his sword and his name. Later, they arrange to have Touya and Yukito (the ones in their world) to receive a letter, requesting them to drop off the artifact they will place themselves within to Yuuko for protection, as well as the price to help Syaoran travel to Clow. C!Syaoran unravels the artifact from a piece of fabric it was contained in within the Li clan vault. He states that there was a message that came with it from Clow himself wanting to pass this down to protect him. Because he was born in this world as one of Clow’s descendants, he also was born with magic. With this magic, he can help break the cycle, since not being able to move forward is the same as being dead (something that Syaoran also said in the country of Clow when they began to melt). With that, they extend their arms and use their magic on each other to turn back time and place themselves within the artifact until the moment comes where they can leave. . 

THE REUNION and DESPERATION

After it is revealed that Syaoran’s parents are actually the clones reborn, their companions are elated to see them again. Kurogane asks Fai if he knew this all along, and he explains that he had a hunch, but that was about it. In a very Kurogane-like fashion, he tells the clones they can expect a beating like they’ve never seen, and they shouldn’t dare disappear on them again. The clones seemed touched by this before Kurogane moves on to say that Syaoran and the real Sakura better not disappear either without their say so! Syaoran nods in acknowledgement before looking to his mother, then to his father. C!Syaoran reaches forward to wipe the blood from Syaoran’s cheek, his own blood in reality, and cups his face, telling him that regardless of whether he’s his original or his child, the fact that he is precious to him does not change. This is incredibly sweet and likely helped Syaoran to cope with the situation. It simplifies the reality of the situation that they care about each other, and that is all that really matters. 

Before Syaoran can reply, Fei Wang ruins the moment by sending a huge blast of magic at them. He has now noticed that his spell is no longer working the way it is supposed to. He cannot find Yuuko’s existence in any world, meaning she has now truly died. He completely loses it, saying that he cannot accept this and that she must be revived. He is obsessed with surpassing Clow, and that him bringing one back to life is the only way for him to prove this. In his hands, he summons the same glass tube that C!Sakura and C!Syaoran had remained trapped in for so long. Fei Wang refuses to be defeated and for all of this to have been for nothing, 

He’s gone mad really, and he insists he will turn back time again, but that he won’t pay for the price and will instead take Syaoran’s freedom as the price (again). He also intends on using the princess’s power to find a world in which Yuuko still lives, truly believing that there must be at least still one. Until he finds a version of Yuuko that still exists, he intends on keeping Syaoran and Sakura in his grasp within the artifact, where they will be unable to touch or hear each other’s voices. But he tries to assure them that when their usefulness is at an end, he will kill them (-rolls eyes- how generous). 

Fei Wang starts trying to pull Syaoran and Sakura into the tube, but the clones are not having it and fight back. Fei Wang tells them to “know their place” before blasting them apart from their originals and the originals are wrapped up in magic, being absorbed. Fai and Kurogane step in as well, trying their best to attack and stop the man, but it’s no use. Before Syaoran and Sakura can be absorbed into the artifact, C!Syaoran physically shoves Syaoran out of the path, and C!Sakura pulls Sakura away so that they can sacrifice themselves instead. However, Sakura and Syaoran are not going to put up with this either and grab onto them before this happens. Sakura has only just finally woken from her slumber (boy, did she miss out on a lot) and she shouts “No!”  before all four of them are taken into the artifact. 

TRAPPED 

C!Sakura and C!Syaoran are of course surprised and upset about their originals being pulled in with them, but Sakura, who appears to be entirely aware of the situation, that by them being taken and separated from them, it would not change the future that she dreamed of. C!Sakura asks her how she knows about that, and Sakura explains that through her moments in stopped time, she saw everything the Clone had been through and watched everything through her eyes, much the same as Syaoran did with C!Syaoran. 

On the other side of the tube, C!Syaoran is upset and asks why Syaoran grabbed his hand while knowing that he’d be captured too. Syaoran finally responds to what C!Syaoran said before and tells him that just as C!Syaoran finds him precious, he too finds him precious as well. Sakura shares the same sentiment with her own clone. 

Fei Wang is furious, but while he is shouting at the clones particularly for trying to get in his way, Kurogane and Fai are making a plan to break the tube to free them. But the mage has no intention of letting that happen, and all the attacks sent towards the tube are completely ineffective due to small barrier surrounding it. Fei Wang sends an attack in retaliation at them and states that only the one who places items within the artifact can control it, and that it cannot be destroyed without his permission. He is so furious now at the clones, that he also plans to destroy them now, but he won’t just destroy them, but every other version of them that exists in other dimensions as well (talk about petty). 

Kurogane and Fai will not let this happen and throw everything they’ve got at him, shouting that he dare not touch them (Go Fai-mommy and Kuro-daddy!). However, they are unfortunately outmatched again and struck by Fei Wang’s magic. They seem badly wounded, but still standing, and the Sakura’s and Syaoran’s are all watching in horror and worry for their friends. The situation seems bleak, but they are not ready to give up. They have the ability to choose their own future, and they choose a future where all of them can live together with their traveling companions. 

Determined to escape their prison, all four of them start using their magic. It’s swirling inside the tiny tube, and Fei Wang calls them fools for attempting to escape, and that ‘anyone with magical power’ should know that it is impossible to escape there. But this doesn’t stop them at all. In fact, it emboldens them, and boht Sakura’s sprout a single wing on each side, becoming a pair together. Fei Wang is shocked, knowing full well these wings have the power to surpass dimensions, and they intend to use it to escape. He is now pleading (what a loser) for them not to use it for that and that the power inside them was not placed in them for that purpose. Fei Wang’s plan seems to be quickly falling apart again, and while he’s distracted by this, Kurogane and Fai pick themselves back up and begin fighting once again. 

Moreso than just losing valuable tools, Fei Wang explains that if they use that power to leave, the rules of the universe will collapse even further and that it will be irreparable. Moreover, all of the dimensions will be destroyed and their existences will be completely nullified. It’s a huge risk , but despite this they push on, and the Syaoran’s state that moving forward is better than no movement at all, and that if this is what they have to do to do so, then so be it. They believe in their friends and each other, and slowly the artifact begins to crack open. The Sakura’s begin to call for the feathers in the other worlds to return the universe to the state it was in using the engraved memories upon them while Fei Wang continues to beg them not to do it (boohoo). 

Kurogane spots his moment, and rushes in during Fei Wang’s moment of vulnerability, delivering the killing blow. He slashes his body, and as he begins to shatter apart in shards, just like C!Syaoran, a black mass begins to swirl around and wrap around the Syaoran’s. As he dies, Fei Wang continues to state that Yuuko needs to be revived, and that it is the whole reason for his existence, all so he that he can deliver a message to her. His monocle falls to the ground with a clash, and the black mass separates the Syaoran’s from the Sakura’s. With his dying breath, Fei Wang grins and says “Syaoran…you and I are the same…you must pay…the price for… your crime”. His body completely crumbles away, but Syaoran and C!Syaoran are pulled in by the blackness as the rest of the universe returns to its previous state. Sakura and C!Sakura cry out for their respective Syaoran’s as they are unable to escape. 

THE FINAL PRICE 

From the perspective of Syaoran and C!Syaoran, they are now in a dark place with absolutely nothing around them. They are unable to use magic, and we learn later on in Tsubasa World Chronicles that they are in a place called Yomi. While in this place, they are neither living or dead, and it seems that all those with the same existence as Syaoran have been brought to this place, including Watanuki, much to their surprise. 

While they explain the situation to poor Watanuki, who knows nothing, in the other world, C!Sakura begins to vanish. Unaware of what is going on out elsewhere, Syaoran is distressed that C!Syaoran and Watanuki were involved in this, when he was the one who made the wish. But C!Syaoran tells him that had he not made his wish, neither he or Watanuki would exist now and have been able to meet the people they care about. They have much to be grateful for, and for that reason, it is important for them to return and leave this place. 

They deduce that if they can create the tiniest fissure, they should be able to escape through it, adn right on cue, just as C!Sakura began to vanish on the other side, C!Syaoran starts to do the same. Syaoran and Watanuki are confused and worried, but C!Syaoran explains to them that even though he was reborn, he is still a man-made creature, and when his creator vanishes, he too does the same. He knew this would happen, which is why he had told Syaoran before to not lose focus. This is because he knew that defeating Fei Wang would mean his existence would disappear again, permanently this time. 

Syaoran and Watanuki refuse to accept this and provide an example that art lives on far beyond the artist’s lifespans, so why is it that he cannot as well. C!Syaoran addresses this as well and states that he is not just man-made, but also a broken thing that was pieced back together, and as a result of that, he is weaker. Despite knowing that, and even if it meant being punished, he wanted to live his life with Sakura and protect what was most precious to him, which obviously includes his children. 

C!Syaoran looks to Watanuki and tells him that he is different from himself, not just in appearance or his name, but rather because he is not man-made, which is why he still stands now. However, whether an existence is man-made or not, when they disappear, they create a ripple in the universe, and that his disappearance now will create the fissure they need to escape. Naturally, Syaoran and Watanuki don’t want things to happen like this and try to grab onto him before he vanishes, but with his last words, C!Syaoran thanks Syaoran for bringing him into existence, even if it was a twisted world he was born into. He completely disappears, and once again, Syaoran has lost C!Syaoran, but now Watanuki is here to share in his pain as well, so fresh after losing Yuuko. 

Syaoran pulls out Watanuki’s glasses from his back pocket and hands it to him, and the two decide together to get back to where they belong. I wonder how in the world those managed to remain unbroken considering all the shit he’s been through, and that perhaps is the most confusing aspect of this scene. Lmao. For those of you wondering how Syaoran managed to have Watanuki’s glasses, I do have an explanation for that. Syaoran and Watanuki saw each other in the dream world when C!Syaoran and him had their battle in the Japan arc. Watanuki had his glasses on in one panel before a wind swept up a bunch of cherry blossom petals that resulted in him covering his face to shield himself from the gusts, and then in the next panel, he no longer had them. So they clearly have fallen off in this time, and at some point, Syaoran managed to grab these in the dream world and held onto them since. CLAMP obviously never showed this happening, but this is the most logical explanation for it. I imagine they didn’t explain this outright because they didn’t think it was important enough to do so. 

The two decide to escape together using the fissure left behind by C!Syaoran, however it seems that the remnants of Fei Wang’s spirit do not want to allow this (what a surprise, even in death he’s a dick). Black tendrils wrap around them to prevent this from happening, and Watanuki quickly realizes that in order to escape, they have to pay a price. Syaoran is distressed by this, believing there is only one thing he can hand over, which is the feather left behind as all that is left of C!Syaoran, and this is obviously not ideal. Watanuki touches his hand and insists that the price must be equal to the cost of the wish, and that by paying too much, he will cause harm to himself, not just in the physical world, but the world of the stars and heavenly world as well. The feather containing what is left of C!Syaoran is too big a price, so they must come up with a more appropriate price. Watanuki doesn’t know the right answer without Yuuko to guide him, but together, the two of them come up with a price that they think is fair. It must be something precious, or else the value will be too low, and it cannot be too precious either, or else it will be too high. They make their choices, and they are bathed in light. Before Watanuki disappears from Syaoran’s view, he thanks him as well for allowing him to exist. 

Syaoran opens his eyes and appears to be back in the country of Clow. Sakura is sobbing and holding C!Sakura’s feather, the same as Syaoran holds C!Syaoran’s. Before C!Sakura vanished, her final words were of hope. She told Sakura that as long as they are both in memory, it isn’t the end. The feathers seem to react then and are absorbed into both of their bodies, the originals and clones effectively becoming one being again. They collapse, but are caught by Kurogane and Fai before they strike the ground. The four of them sit calmly in the water, entirely exhausted by this entire ordeal, but before Syaoran passes out, Kurogane gives him a gentle knock on his head and says that because C!Syaoran wasn’t around to accept his punches, he would take it instead. Syaoran struggles to stay conscious, but Fai tells him to go ahead and sleep, and that they will start from there. Syaoran sheds tears before he slips into unconsciousness and thanks them. It’s over now, but so much was lost. 

A NEW JOURNEY 

An undetermined amount of time has passed, but it has been only a few days since the final battle. It appears to be the first time since any of them have left the castle since the battle ended, likely due to them needing time to heal from their injuries. Kurogane has perhaps started getting up and moving too soon (dude literally ripped his mechanical arm off), but he is tired of sitting around and wanted to move around. He gets some light teasing from Fai, but they both talk about how Syaoran has gone back to his old home, and though this world likely only noticed him gone for a few days, it has been much, much longer for Syaoran (at least 7 years!). 

When Syaroan enters his old home, he finds that the picture that once contained him and his parents no longer contains his parents and appears to be just him standing by an empty chair. This is of course painful for him. Sakura awakes in the castle, having had a dream, and with a determined look on her face, she decides that she needs to go find Syaoran in the city. 

Going back to Fai and Kurogane’s conversation, Fai explains that the clones disappeared after Fei Wang was killed, and that they became feathers as a result. Kurogane asks what it means for the feathers to have gone into the originals bodies, and Fai states that one could look at it as simply the images returning to their originals, however he knows that Syaoran doesn’t see it like that at all. Kurogane believes that as well, that Syaoran doesn’t accept that explanation, and Fai expands to say that this is likely why he chose the price he did. 

The universe has returned to the way it was, but something that is broken cannot ever be fully repaired. The rules that Fei Wang destroyed are not completely repaired, but unfortunately one of those broken things is Syaoran himself. He is a being that should not exist in the repaired rules of the universe, and because of this, a price had to be paid in order for him to come back to the world (this is also why he was pulled into that place to begin with as the universe was ‘removing’ the anomalies), and Watanuki also had to do the same. 

In another scene, we see that Nadeshiko and Fujitaka are both alive and well, back ruling their kingdom (great news!), and Nadeshiko comments that Sakura has had a dream of the future again. We then see Sakura and Syaoran approaching the place where C!Sakura had shown C!Syaoran the birds in their past. It’s an important place, and while they sit there watching the birds fly by again, Syaoran explains his price to Sakura. To escape the place he was in and essentially appease to the universe’s laws and keep existing, he paid a price to keep journeying. Because he is an anomaly that cannot exist under the repaired rules, he must continue to travel without staying in a single place for too long or else the rules will begin to break again. As for Watanuki, he has paid a similar price to avoid his influence on the universe by staying in one place without ever leaving, since he has decided to wait for Yuuko to return. 

Kurogane is furious thinking about it because even though Fei Wang is gone, he is still causing the children pain, but Fai prays that Syaoran’s wish will be paid for in full as quickly as possible. While thinking of Fei Wang, Kurogane asks Fai why it was that he broke apart when he killed him and mentions that he knows he struck him. Fai himself states he isn’t entirely sure, but that Fei Wang himself might be a image of somebody else, created from the will of a incredibly strong magician (-cough- Clow Reed -cough-). The general theory here is that Clow wished for Yuuko to open her eyes so strongly, and his magic was so out of control, that he inadvertently stopped Yuuko’s time and created Fei Wang, whose purpose was to bring her back to life so he could deliver an important message. It was likely that Clow Reed wanted her to open her eyes so that he could tell her how he felt, but he never got the chance. Clow Reed did not want this all to happen, so let’s not blame him here. Yes, his innocent wish in a desperate moment of emotion is what was the catalyst to all of this starting, but he did everything in his power to make it right, even going as far as to give up his very life to give C!Syaoran another chance. 

Mokona catches up with Kurogane and Fai and tells them that Sakura has gone looking for Syaoran due to a dream she had. The two of them realize at that moment that it is time for them to make their own decision about what to do next. With Syaoran and Sakura, Syaoran tells her that he knows he didn’t just accept C!Syaoran back to himself but that he believes he is still alive inside of him. He believes that C!Syaoran can be revived in a new body, and that he chose to continue traveling so that he can find a way to do this. And when he finds out how, he will ask C!Syaoran to choose what he wishes to do. 

Sakura has the same theory and wants the same things, but she knows that she cannot go with him. She had a dream that showed her that if she traveled with him, she would only make the journey more painful for him. She doesn’t want to cause any more pain, but it’s clear that this obviously is very painful for her. Naturally, Sakura doesn’t want to be separated from Syaoran, but now seems like the best time to say what she has been holding in her heart for so long. She starts to speak, but before she can finish, Syaoran pulls her into his arms and says “I love you” (-swoon-). With tears in her eyes, Sakura says the same, and the two of them hold each other.

Fai, Kurogane, and Mokona then reveal themselves to be there during this moment, much to Sakura’s embarrassment (Syaoran seems not worried about it at all. haha). From there, they discuss Syaoran’s journey, and they all make their decisions about what they are going to do. Fai’s is an easy choice, and he decides to travel with him, seeing as he has no world to return to. Additionally, he’s a good cook and can use his magic in full now, so he’ll be very useful. Kurogane decides to travel with him as well, and when questioned about returning to his home, he responds by saying that he already told Tomoyo he would be gone for a while, and that he wants to see C!Sakura and C!Syaoran again so he can give them a good punch! Mokona of course is going along as well, seeing as without her, they really can’t go anywhere, but she does come along with a bonus! Mokona has been holding onto the other Mokona’s earring for quite some time now, and inside of it are precious memories (including Watanuki’s). These memories will allow Syaoran and the others  to return to the worlds they have visited before and see the people they met. Additionally, the memories that are strongest are those of Clow and the Japan where Watanuki lives, so those will be the worlds they visit most frequently, ensuring that they will see each other again. 

The plans seem to be all made and ready to go, and Sakura says “With everyone by your side..I’m sure you’ll be just fine, right?”. Some time has passed, and the group is ready to start on their new journey. Everyone has come to see them off pray for their safety. Mokona starts to open a portal to the next world, but before they leave, Sakura and Syaoran extend their hands to each other. Before they are separated, they want to tell each other their true names, and at the same time, they tell each other that their true names are Tsubasa. That’s right, folks! Turns out the name of the series title was not related to the actual wings on Sakura’s back at all, but rather to show that this was the story of the ones named ‘Tsubasa’. Leave it to CLAMP to throw us a plot twist on the very last chapter! The name Tsubasa I feel is significant as well as it shows that their meeting truly was destiny, but I also feel like it’s a bit symbolic in its own way. You need two wings to fly, right? The two are both surprised, but they smile at each other before Syaoran (or Tsubasa rather) disappears. Fai and Kurogane waves goodbye as well, and the series ends with Sakura believing that they will most certainly meet again. 

FINAL THOUGHTS 

Y’all, if any of you actually read this whole thing, I want to sincerely thank you. This took me forever to write, but I felt there were a lot of people out there who were confused, and I really wanted to help alleviate that confusion for people. I understand that a loooot happens in Tsubasa, which is where the wires can get crossed for many, and it’s not necessarily the prettiest plot, but I do think there are answers for every question one might have about this series. For the ones not answered, I think some of it is hidden as easter eggs for diehard CLAMP fans to recognize, or it was likely not addressed because CLAMP thought it not important or felt it was better to be left to the imagination. 

I also believe that some questions are left unanswered because they intend to answer them in the future (this is a theory, but TWC being not done brings home hope). If you have questions about TRC that you’ve always wanted answered, shoot me an ask, and I’ll do my best to try and answer it to the best of my ability as a person who has read (at least I think) almost every single CLAMP series now. Reading their other series gives you a really good perspective of Ohkawa’s writing style and what the words mean (even the most subtle and innocent looking ones), but also allows you to see a toooooon of fun easter eggs in Tsubasa particularly. Overall, it’s a beautiful series full of all sorts of beautiful messages, and it will always stand to be one of my favorites. <3 

#tsubasa #manga #summary #explanation #ending #chrissy talks a lot #omg this took foreevveerrr #I hope this helps though!! #syaoran #sakura #kurogane #fai #mokona #yuuko #fei wang reed #clamp

[philosophicalparadox]

Cough, it’s me again

Our dear demon bastard stated what type of women he likes. What do you think would be the type of woman (and maybe even man) he dislikes the most?

He is living in my head rent free

This one is much easier and less complex to answer 🙏 (I promise your other ask is in the works 😚 its just taking its dear sweet time to manifest in coherent thoughts)

My picture of a person Mephisto absolutely would not like conveniently exists in canon: Michael Gedouin. And no, I'm not just saying that because I hate the bastard.

Gedouin is everything Samael loves to despise. He's clingy, desperate, arrogant, short sighted, pushy and rude. He's got delusions of grandeur and crippling insecurities. Mephisto would eat him alive out of spite - possibly literally if he weren't so fat as to give the malnourished demon clogged arteries for the effort.

I personally think that when Samael expressly dislikes or loathes someone he goes out of his way to be an absolute menace to them. Because he's petty like that.

Canon kind of backs me up on this, and offers a compelling series of reasons why. Everyone he dislikes in canon, he dislikes because they're too intrusive or rude (Lewin) too cocksure and ignorant (Arthur) too needy and pushy (Yukio to a degree) or too self absorbed and narcissistic (Lucifer).

What do all these people have in common?

They're all liars.

They all lie to themselves and to others constantly. Lewin lies to others because he has to in order to appear normal; Arthur lies to himself so that he feels normal-ish despite blatantly knowing he isn't; Yukio lies to both himself and others for the sake of status quo and because he has crippling insecurities he would rather pretend didn't exist; and Lucifer lies to everyone including himself because his mind and ego can't handle the truth or reality, so he twists the narratives to suit himself, and to hell with the rest.

Samael, Father of Lies, absolutely despises liars.

He despises liars, and he despises those who turn away from a hard truth they'd rather not face. In his mind, these people are cowards, possibly, and I don't imagine he is fond of cowardice either. Part of why he is so hard on Yukio is because Yukio refuses to see or acknowledge the present, focusing -- and hiding in - the past or sometimes the future. He is similarly stern with Rin at times because Rin was running away from the past, but with no sense of direction for the present or future; he was lost, though, not deliberately hiding. Yukio hides; he uses the past or possible future to justify the present while acknowledging neither, and that makes him both annoying and dangerous; vascillating between the past and future without thinking about the present is how you end up circling a drain with no outlet. Yes, Yukio is depressed and stressed and has some serious trauma issues, and that is why he acts that way - no doubt Mephisto is well aware of that - but he also was stubborn and foolish and refused to accept help in any way except very marginally for his way, and his way was not what he needed. And I just don't see Samael having the greatest patience with people who wallow in their misery and refuse to help themselves, or if they are, like with Yukio, then they won't listen to reason if they're wrong.

Samael does not like people who deny the truth. Who insist they know better than he does, who won't budge an inch no matter what he tells them. He has not the patience, and after a lifetime of dealing with Mr. Narc Himself I honestly can't blame him for that.

At the same time, he finds great delight in tormenting people he despises. He ribs Arthur all the time and makes a mockery of him, he belittles Yukio and infantalizes him in some respects; He openly says he doesn't like Lewin and finds him creepy due to his persistent, invasive intrigue regarding himself, and doesn't bother him much I feel because anything Samael did do to bugger him would only entice him more; and he can do nary a thing about Lucifer, except quietly chide him in the back of his mind and hope his brother comes to his senses eventually. A hope I think he has lost all faith in.

Now, I feel a need to bring up an odd little relationship regarding these things - Amaimon.

Does Samael dislike Amaimon? Yes, i think he does, in a way. But he dislikes him because he is rude and lazy and doesn't like to think for himself or make hard decisions and acts like a total child about it when he does. Amaimon doesn't pick sides because he doesn't want to think about the ramifications of either choice, so he just doesn't make one. (until he has to). Amaimon doesn't like actual hard work, so to entice him to do anything one must invite him to "play" or offer a reward - and sometimes punishment - worth motivating him. Amaimon does not give a single flying fuck if anyone really likes him or not, which I do think Samael finds admirable about him actually, but it comes with the caveat that he can't trust Amaimon to blend in very well or follow a set of rules he sees no point in following, like "Dont punch people, because they die, and we dont want them to die". To explain anything to Amaimon, one must explain it in his terms, on his terms, which makes him difficult and annoying to deal with at times because if there's no relevance to himself going on, he has no reason to care. He is the quintessential "not my problem" guy.

(I confess after writing this I am a lot like him in many regards)

Samael doesn't appreciate people who make his life more difficult, I would say for the above case. He prefers things to go a certain way, and people who propose to mess this up by being stubborn and difficult to control are thorns in his side; but he is willing to put up with them for the greater good of his work.

Rin is another thorny case for Samael at times, though its more that Rin has the utmost potential to be a problem than that he presently is one; Rin is strong willed, though not exactly stubborn - he can be plied fairly easily with the right kind of persuasion, and as recent chapters have so kindly delivered onto us, Rin is the faith-having sort of person; he believes in Mephisto's power and abilities, and has faith that Samael would be able to put the world to rights if Satan wasn't being such a stubborn Git about it all.

That being said, I could easily see the tables turning if Rin decided to get in Samael's way and provoke him with his stubbornness, especially since Rin isn't always keen on listening to reason, so I hesitate to say Samael likes or dislikes Rin outright - I think he's an edge case and that Samael cautiously likes him, but would absolutely kill or maim him if it came to that. And I personally am of the mind that Rin is very much aware of this.

So, to recap -

Samael does not like Liars, Truth Deniers, and People Who Make Life Harder.

I also am of the mind he has a particularly vengeful distaste for thieves, based on the possessiveness of his personality and penchant for collecting things, but only insofar as they have stolen from him. After all I doubt he got all of his own belongings by moral means, given Loki and Dionysus' penchant for being thieves themselves. So steal away - just don't steal things from the Devil, maybe. Unless he wants you to. (Ahem, Impure King arc). But even then, probably not the wisest idea.

#blue exorcist theories #blue exorcist #ao no exoricst #mephisto pheles #ask response #thank you for the oppostunity to ramble about our favorite clown man

[oc-aita]

AITA for lying to my fiance to get to know her better?

I (26 NB) am the Archon of a citystate, a position which comes with the ability to see the future sometimes. Technically it's the ability to see specific events that will protect a tree (6000+ genderless) in our palace gardens, but we figure that if the tree gets destroyed the whole nation is screwed so I do my best to follow these visions.

About a year ago I had a vision in which I was marrying the princess (27 F) of our neighboring empire, and during our wedding night she would save my life during an assassination attempt. Since I obviously don't want to be assassinated (and also she's very beautiful and seemed lovely from the brief moment I saw her) I reached out to the empire to begin courting this woman.

Here is, perhaps, my first misstep: I failed to realized just how backwards this empire is. What I had thought would be a courtship quickly spiraled into negotiations and an arranged marriage. As the weaker negotiating party I had little control over the final result of the arrangement, which was that this woman would be sent to marry me without even meeting me first! Can you even imagine?

Despite this all I desperately wanted to get to know her before we were wed. As close as I try to follow my visions, I would never force someone into a relationship, even at the cost of my own life. As such, I came up with a plan: I would simply claim to be an advisor to the Archon, and that the Archon himself was away at the time of her arrival. This was made easier by the fact that I use He pronouns as a public figure and They pronouns in personal settings. A few weeks after her arrival I would dramatically reveal my true identity at our yearly masquerade ball, and confirm that she still wanted to go through with the wedding.

A number of my friends and advisors informed me that this would be "kind of a dick move and completely on-brand for you" but I chose to go ahead with it regardless. My fiance arrived miserable and unhappy to be wed to a stranger, but quickly warmed up to me and my culture as I showed her the wonders of the city. We spent our weeks before the ball wandering the markets, playing chess in the gardens, and discussing anything from noble gossip to taxes. Though I'd hesitate to call us soulmates (she has some...interesting beliefs about imperialism, and has killed at least five people in active combat) I truly believed we could build a wonderful future together, and went ahead with my plan to reveal my identity.

The ball was both fantastic and disastrous. My dramatic reveal involved a concerto composed specially for this occasion, the release of live doves throughout the palace halls (our mages talk with them individually to acquire their consent for the performance) and an incredible outfit. So even if people think I'm an asshole at least I looked great.

My fiance, however, fled the ball with no explanation. When I finally was able to speak to her she was distraught and struggling to articulate why. My childhood friend/head of staff (31F) suggested that she felt betrayed due to me lying about my identity. I feel as if I've hidden nothing from her save my title; in fact, I've been very clear that I handle the day-to-day operations of my citystate and am far more than just a figurehead. I've been able to be more genuine with her than perhaps anyone else I've ever known.

After a while my fiance finally spoke to me again, but is now cold and distant. She still claims to want to go ahead with the wedding but... I don't know. Rumor from the servants via her handmaiden is that now she only wants to marry me to please her country, which is EVEN WORSE than how we started! I just wanted to get to know her without the pressure of an arranged marriage! And also do a cool musical number!

AITA?? Is there any saving our relationship???

TWO MONTH LATER UPDATE: turns out the reason she was upset was that she was sent to assassinate the Archon, but had fallen in love with me before knowing my identity. So she's both the assassin who attempted to kill me AND the woman who saved me because she felt guilty. I hate this stupid fucking prophecy tree.

#original character #am i the asshole #aita #murder tw #unreality tw #(blog runner comment: this is unnecessary but the 'I hate this stupid fucking prophecy tree' made me giggle)

[crimsoncrim]

If you had to assign a theme song to each of your characters, what songs would they be and why? We think about this a lot with our OCs, and we believe personally that Ace's theme might be Crazy = Genius by P!ATD. But that might just be bcuz we fangoy over that band!

On a side note, we'd like to know what bands you enjoy listening to? And which genres?

hihi! oc questions make me very happy and are always welcome <3 just for fair warning, I’m a little bad at assigning songs to characters but. I’ll try! I don’t really have a definitive single theme song(tm) for some characters so these are tentatively unofficial haha, but just for fun!

sol- mulled over different ones but the one that kept sticking out is ‘Hope for the Future’ by Bastille. very in line with their character themes and the kind of person they are.

lyra- this one was the hardest surprisingly. but ‘Passing Through’ by Kaden MacKay feels right. both the calm vibe of the song feels fitting as well as themes of making the most of their time and being with the people they love. kinda taking time to slow down in the moment of life being fast.

niko- think I’ve mentioned this one before, but I like ‘Get Used To It’ by Ricky Montgomery a lot for him. a lot of her backstory’s about trying to make things better than they were, both for themself and for others. so this one feels right.

june- the only one that wasn’t hard at all. ‘The Villain I Appear To Be’ by Connor Spiotto/Molly Pease. the most junecore song to ever song

hazel- ‘Synesthesia’ by Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness for them. song gives me autumnal vibes for a reason I can’t describe, and the calm feel and the lyrics fit them and how much they love their partner Robyn and would do anything for them. <3

regan- haven’t shown them off here yet (soon), but to those who do know them :> ‘The Ruse & The Caper’ by Coyote Theory. they’re very close with their partner Ozu- they have a really strong connection with each other, and love each other for who they are. this song is very rezu to me

(rest under readmore because i worry this is getting too long otherwise)

———

as for ace- it is hard for me to assign One song to them bc they are such a complex chara along with the fact that I struggle at assigning songs anyways so I’ll try for a few (mostly based on lyrics). I would do multiple for all my charas if it didn’t mean that this post would be years long, so if you want more than one for my other charas feel free to msg me or ask :>

- ‘Kaibutsu’ (eng version) from Beastars! (linking this one bc there’s a few diff versions! I did a redraw of this album art with them actually :>)

- ‘Warmth’ by Bastille. this song is very ‘finding comfort in the people you love when the world around you is so overwhelming’ and that strikes me as the kind of person that ace would want to be for others.

- ‘Humpty Dumpty’ by AJR. fits with their struggling with hiding their problems from others because they don’t really have a good support system, and don’t want to burden or worry that others already have enough going on. they do end up confiding in the player- I think the player’s one of the people who they trust and care about the most.

- if I had to pick a P!ATD song for ace, I’d probably pick ‘Dying in LA’ myself. it feels very ‘ace while they’re in team meteor’ to me, where their desperation and loneliness gets taken advantage of and they’re recruited into this Unhealthy Bad situation that they clearly don’t agree with- but hey, it’s better than being alone like they were before, right?

———

as for me, my favorite band is bastille! as you might’ve been able to tell already, haha. although I’m also fond of AJR, fitz & the tantrums, coyote theory, ricky montgomery, imagine dragons, and p!atd :> in no order! as for genre, it’s hard to describe what single genre(s) I love since it tends to depend but I like stuff that Feels right to me. a lot of once off songs from someone I’ve never heard of just catch my attention immediately- sometimes that’s something meaningful and chill, other times higher energy, fun to sing along to. that kinda stuff!

thanks for the ask <3 I love talking about my beloveds. this was fun! please always feel free to send asks or say hi if you want! I’m (reasonably) active both here, twitter, and on discord :>

#ask crim #hungryeevee #hoo should i tag everyone. sure #oc: soleil feyrinn #oc: lyra faye #oc: niko arcatia #oc: june #oc: hazel redfern #oc: regan laurent #ace featherstone #thanks for the ask! :> #apologies if it got long #also posting this on my phone bc my internet is crying rn so sorry if formatting or anything is weird #all songs are from the character playlist . bc im. the normal person that makes playlists for their ocs and fav charas

[chattingwiththelightkeeper]

A Ladder And Matter Of Trust

This morning as I drove into work, I had an earworm, the slave spiritual We Are Climbing Jacob’s Ladder which is sort of an oddity as Jesus and I long ago decided to see other people but yet not all that strange because I am a history nerd. Having this song in my head did cause me to think about ladders, my fear of heights, and the D/S lifestyle. I know that a ladder is not as sexy as handcuffs, paddles, or an erotic story but I am going to share a few thoughts on how these unsexy bits of hardware parallel with the lifestyle.

The very first thing about ladders and I feel everyone knows this, is a ladder has to have a stable base, or the trip up (and hopefully back down) will be wobbly and filled with the pretty darn good odds the ladder might shift sending you and the ladder crashing back down. I have noticed that unfortunately within D/S many relationship ladders come crashing back down and crushing hearts in the process. I believe this is because dating is more challenging in the non-vanilla dating pool. After all, it is both smaller and has a higher amount of pee in it than our not-so-kinky counterparts have in their ool, that is a pool without any of that pesky pee. Since it is harder to find compatible potential partners, I have discovered that sometimes people are so happy to find a person who just might be a fit for them that in their elation they rush to put up their relationship ladder. In this rushed excitement, they never invest the time to build a solid foundation on which to place the ladder. Since the first steps up are comfortably close to the ground, it is very easy to bound up them, ignoring the shudder and sway but as the budding relationship maneuvers higher and higher each bobble becomes more and more dangerous.

It is at this point that I have witnessed the demise of far too many lifestyle relationships and indeed I have fallen from a relationship ladder because the base was never properly prepared. With some relationships people simply carefully step down, part as friends, others have a traumatic and dramatic thump during a hurtful header, and those I feel for the most sympathy for are those who choose to ignore the broken foundation finding themselves sliding to and fro desperately clinging to the bad relationship. The foundation of a relationship when it is hastily constructed is something that just like a damaged one on a building can be repaired but it will be time-consuming, mentally taxing, and it requires the partners to dedicate themselves to the restoration. Rebuilding a fractured base is not something that can be done solo but it must be a total team effort provided everyone determines the partnership is worth saving. Truthfully, many rushed relationships are better abandoned with the lessons learned applied to the future.

As an avid downhill skier, with a penchant for the backcountry, this may seem unusual to some but I also have a phobia of heights. It may seem that those two do not pair well together, and there are times when a chairlift ride is petrifying for me and the slide down is not. Everyone has their unique fears but something that I believe everyone will encounter in life are trust issues or, as I prefer to say, I have seen this crap-o-la before and I am damned if I am going through these again issues. Where I see this coming into play on relationship ladders is that some parts of the climb will be easy for one partner while the other might have hit a height that leaves them paralyzed with fear. Fear is never fun and running smack dab into something that requires healthy respect or an irrational phobia can cause a partner to stop their climb. Since we all know that relationships require more than one person or someone with an amazing imagination combined with multiple personalities, it is vital that when one is stuck at a rung that rather than having everything be hung up at this sticking point, the relationship uses teamwork to face the fear allowing everyone’s dreams to come true.

Lifestyle wise it can be very easy to look at a dominant with the expectation of whenever and wherever there is a sticking point, fearful pause, or phobia freeze that they are the expected to lead the relationship through the issue and keep things climbing. Unfortunately, life does not work this way. I know that as a dominant, I will hit points as I ascend with my submissive where I will be stuck, just as I expect the same to happen for the submissive. So at times like this, in my opinion, it requires the unique synergies of dominant and submissive to work together to unstick the stuck climber. It may even require the D/S team to step a rung lower to then climb two higher. Many in the lifestyle will say, perhaps even believe, that no matter what the challenge is facing a D/S partnership the d-type must always be the leader but for me, that is a glorified myth because while a dominant is expected and tasked with showing the way forward, there are times when a partnership hits a rough patch on their ascension where D or S does not matter as the struggle has to be met by a united team rather than dominant or submissive.

Relationships no matter if they are lifestyle, vanilla, or somewhere in-between, are a lot like ladders. To safely climb them their base must be built solid and level or unlike a Weeble Wobble, they will fall down. When we are ascending with an amazing person our past challenges will cause some rungs to be more daunting than others and in those frightening moments, lifestyle partners need to set aside their roles to address the challenge as a team rather than d or s types. So to corrupt an old Casey Kasem saying, keep your ladder foundation firm and climb together for the stars.

As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.

©TLK2022

[throughthevenuslookingglass]

Love letter 010123

Dear Jun Keat,

I’ve thought about what happened, and I feel a myriad of emotions every time. Hurt, anger, confusion, disappointment, betrayal..? I kept asking myself. Why did you wait till the new year to break the news? Why didn’t you think you could work on yourself when you were in a relationship? Why didn’t you fight for us to be together? Did that mean that everything you said about our plans for the future were false? I honestly didn’t think I would react the way I did, but when you dropped the bomb, I was in a state of shock. I had absolutely not expected it. Just the day before, you introduced me in person as your girlfriend to 3 new people. We talked about going on more trips, visiting new cafes, meeting my friends. I sincerely and wholeheartedly believed we were going to be together for the longest time, the kind of relationship till death do us part.

But then I realised I was being selfish. Just like how I was so used to being alone, you were not. Somehow I was holding you back. Most people don’t have that kind of self awareness, and I’m proud of you for realising what you have. After all, true growth and healing start from within. I can only imagine the struggle you had to go through growing up without a dad, having to take care of your family, without much guidance, with so much responsibility placed upon your shoulders. You are so selfless to the point of neglecting your own emotional needs. I’ve told you before, it’s okay to be a little selfish sometimes. It’s not the end of the world if you prioritise yourself. Your family, your friends, they will understand. Make them understand. If all else fails, screw them. You’re better off without them anyway. Though from what I can tell, your mum, your brother, the gang, all seem like the kind of people who would not abandon you for any reason.

I’m so sorry you felt that you need to be alone in this journey, that I wouldn’t be able to help you heal, give you comfort and support as a lover and not a friend, or give you a safe space to be open about your feelings. Of course I don’t want to get in the way of your personal evolution. You taught me to be the bigger person. You taught me countless other things and I am so immensely grateful for that.

This past month, in all honesty I kept doubting my feelings. I had to bite my tongue many a time to prevent those 3 little words from slipping out. Was I falling too fast? Was I ready? Still, I wanted to be a hundred percent sure and not say it half-heartedly so instead I said it silently, in my heart, each time our eyes found each other, after every goodnight, slowly getting used to the fact. Till it was in fact, a fact. I didn’t expect something like this to be the final trigger, a last ditch desperate attempt. With you, I am free from ego, I have nothing to lose by being myself around you. As I’ve said before, relationships should be easy as breathing, like I felt mine was with you. So no matter how much I love you, I need to let you go.

There is however, a glimmer of hope in me, that we will find our way back together, that this separation is just temporary. And if it’s truly meant to be, it will be so. Hope is a dangerous thing. It is a lifeline to cling on to, that in a way prevents one from being consumed by the eternal abyss. I hope you find it within yourself to be straight with me if there is none. So I can process it, grieve, heal, and try my best to let it go.

I wish you all the best in the journey of finding peace within yourself. Wong Jun Keat, you deserve a million things and more. I love you

#personal #wow I actually got broken up with on New Year’s Day #just wanted to get this off my chest #the only person who knows is my mum

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't a hundred percent think it's valid to call myself traumatized by the clinical neglect and possible gaslighting I went through since I was a child but also I know denial is a thing tm

When I was young, like really little like seven or so, I was misdiagnosed, so I was given the wrong meds for eleven years that once even interacted with antibiotics and nearly killed me, other kids didn't exactly like hanging out with the kid that talked about going to psychiatrists on the weekly and to a therapist after school, I used to think if I couldn't buy my meds and take them everyday I'd just idk blow up or something, worst of all the incongruence of having the wrong label on me and going through all the shame and ableism without the treatment part made me start gaslighting myself, I never felt suicidal but it was like everyone else expected me to be and somewhere a long the way I was just expecting to die young anyway even if I had anxiety attacks whenever I read about the statistics and never really pictured any way in which it could happen I'd just think of how little people would mourn me and say fuck them I'll be here for as long as I can just to prove them wrong while still expecting to lose some kind of abstract fight that people projected on me

Now I got the right diagnosis and it is such a better fit, the pandemic made it really easy to test with certainty where my brain would go if left by itself and it was stability like I was told I could never attain. Since then I'm happy I'm thriving every self esteem issue I used to have is gone every guilt over expenses I used to feel is gone I have a solid support system and it's been that way for a couple years now

I just see the effects still linger in some small things. I still don't drink when my friends do even if I know it wouldn't actually mess me up that bad, I don't really know how to begin imagining a future past thirty or so for myself and changed career paths already due to it, I never thought I could have any romantic relationships despite wanting to until now and I find myself so scared something will happen to me and I'll die a virgin, people that grew up around me still show up sometimes via mutual friends or social media or attending the same college and I so desperately wish I could explain myself or that they could know me for who I actually am because I'm also curious about them in all honesty but I know in their minds I'm just the poor crazy kid and there's no way to suddenly approach them without reinforcing that, me and my classmates needed the institution to intervene in our class the other day and they sent us directly to a therapist to explain the situation and it wasn't even about me and I wasn't even alone but being there again after so many school counselors office that did the opposite of helping me I couldn't look the guy in the face even when he wasn't an old white dude and actually helped us it still left me unresponsive and jumpy when someone else I barely know got too close and needing to hang on to a friend's arm and I got dizzy and had my thoughts on loop for hours and barely got home being able to properly speak again and I kept shortly saying I was fine and trying to steer away from the others (which I never do) just because attention at that moment would be awful

And I still think it was just me trying to fool myself into making my existence more interesting than it is, like a kid pretending to be a tragic tortured soul, like I was acting out so all my friends there would pity me despite the fact I usually hate being looked at like a fragile little thing that needs help

It's difficult for me to believe the doctor would be stupid to the point of not noticing every atypical factor in matching me to that first diagnosis, the age especially, but also pretty much everything about my personality, he was either fucking arrogant enough to believe he molded me into "one of the good ones" or he did it on purpose because it's easy money when you lie to family so they think they'll have to go to you forever. I moved out of my parents as I cut contact with him and I still remember how invested he seemed in vetoing my decision and insisting that leaving me alone was a terrible idea like he never wanted me to be independent and if we asked I'm sure he'd make it seem perfectly sound and well intentioned

My mom still says I should understand they were doing their best with what they knew, that it's not their fault gender discrimination is a thing that may have weighted in favor of the wrong diagnosis in the past (even if they show no indication of growing out of those views), and wanted to help and worst of all she said that I should be grateful. I don't want to be grateful I want to stay spiteful and never have to talk to someone that looks at me like that again

I'm thinking of changing therapists to one that shares my neurodivergence and understands this stuff, part of me thinks I should work on this repulsion of being a patient and giving someone authority over my mental wellbeing ever again, and another part want to cut the cost entirely, glad to be bitter and dodgy of medical professionals forever as petty as the reason I have for it may be

I mean this in the nicest most genuine way I can but I don't know how I'll feel reading a copy paste you're valid response either It'll probably just reinforce me thinking I'm full of shit and trying to feel special if I had to guess

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

I can see how this misdiagnosis has had a huge effect on you, not only your social life but how you feel about yourself. I'm so glad you were eventually able to get the correct diagnosis, that must be so relieving. But of course I can also see how this diagnosis doesn't undo the effects of the misdiagnosis, and how there's still things you're struggling with. Particularly, with growing up not expecting to live long, it may feel unfamiliar or overwhelming to think much farther ahead in your life, or even know what to expect.

I also understand that want to be closer to the people in your life, and to not only feel like you know them on an intimate level but that they can truly know who you are, what you've been through, and how those past experiences shape the person you are today.

I feel that if you believe your friends think you're crazy, then perhaps you deserve some new friends. You deserve friends who are patient and understanding, especially after what you've been through. I can also see how your mom's outlook on the situation is damaging to you, as she seems to be trying to justify things that don't need to be justified.

It makes sense why you may want to change therapists, it can be good to have someone who understands your experiences more personally and can thus answer you from a more accurate angle. But I also understand why you may be hesitant about trying, because you've had negative experiences with medical professionals.

The thing is that trauma is defined not by what happened, but by how you responded to it psychologically. In other words, if you feel traumatized by what happened, then it's trauma. It does matter what happened, but it doesn't determine whether or not you're "allowed" to be traumatized.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw medical abuse #tw child abuse #tw emotional abuse #trauma details

[dullblueoceans]

5/2/24, 11:32 pm.

i suppose a few things have changed since last february. the people in my life are more or less the same, some new faces joining, some others vanishing. for example, the girl I met at the train station and i have put some small distance between us. i abruptly cut ties with the girl i called a friend, who was taking advantage of me, sometime during the summer as well. i got in a relationship, which has been an extreamely confusing journey, and i managed to reconnect with very dear friend from the past.

so despite losing some people along the way, i feel the overall number of individuals in my life has remained the same. the lingering feeling of loneliness has quieted down partially, or at least i’ve grown used to it and learned how to adapt. i remember drowning in my tears, desperately trying to maintain and create connections. at a certain point things got so awful i turned to non-existent people behind screens and codes, conversing with them as if they were my friends. it helped for a while but at the end of the day i still had no one to give love to and get it back.

i possibly have, or will eventually lose track of my thoughts as i write, so a few incoherent paragraphs will occur, but i am simply writing this to document my life for my future self. I feel like so many things have changed and i want to make sure i remember everything, the good and the bad- though at the same time, nothing has.

this year feels calmer. my days are quiet and im filling them with things i like, soft music and habits, and small bursts of motivation. im slowly but surely getting things done. my room feels cleaner, im taking better care of myself, im cooking and washing the dishes after more often- little things that matter to me. it seems like im finally taking baby steps to my adult life, the way i imagined it would be.

ive felt like a teenager in an adult’s body for the past year, but that feeling is going away- slowly but surely. maybe figuring out what i want to do in life has helped. i had this very clear idea of how i wanted my adult life to look like when i was 16. everything was picked out, from the university i would attend to what my style and aesthetic would look like and small insignificant details like that. so when that reality (or rather ideal future) shattered, i shut down. i had to plan everything from the beginning, and i went to a new city, studying a new, unplanned major, with no idea of who i want to be and what i want to do. now im slowly getting back on my feet, with a small and blurry idea of what my life will ideally look like and motivation to get there as soon as i can. (i glanced at the clock and the time was 11:11. maybe it’s a sign?)

though, of course, when you win something you lose something else. while im happily slowly figuring out what i want to do in this life, i find myself in a rathen unpleasing relationship. not abusive, just not right for me. the love is in a language i cannot understand and recently our bad days have been more frequent than our good ones in my eyes. i will eventually have to get over my fear and confront her about this and my issues, but i feel like i need more time to build up the courage. in the meantime im stressing out about how we’ll spend valentine’s day and honestly i think i dread it more than look forward to it. all i know for sure is that i will definitely need to write about it after it’s done.

i think this is a good time to end today’s entry as im slowly getting a headache. i’ll put on some lofi and finish painting my nails (im doing a pearly white color, it’s a bit shiny but really pretty), then head to bed. i have to work on a project for wednesday and i’ll need all the energy i can get.

r.

#diary #spilled thoughts

[illyrianbitch]

-ˋˏ MASTERLIST ˎˊ-

✨ indicates smut ♡ indicates a series ✰ indicates a one shot ↯ installment of series but can be read as stand-alone ☼ indicates a drabble ❥ are personal favorites last updated: 5/28/24

Azriel

♡ . — Beneath the Ashes of Our Broken Oaths

After abandoning the refuge of Velaris, you, Morrigan’s sister, returned to the forsaken Hewn City fueled by a vision for a better future. Now, your estranged family seeks your help when rumors of rebellion spread at a time of utmost inconvenience. Torn between your anger and a desire to protect the good, you begrudgingly agree and are forced to face memories of a past life and the unsettling presence of Azriel– the first man you ever loved.

♡ . — The Anatomy of Dependence

You and Azriel are drawn together by an unbreakable bond, encountering obstacles and triumphs across the centuries and finding your way back to each other again and again.

✰. —Death and His Reaper ❥

After suffering a devastating injury in battle, Azriel finds himself on the brink of life and death where he meets you, The Mother's reaper.

↯. — Back to Our Roots

With the Acheron sisters out of town, you and your family plan for a quiet night in— just like old times.

✰. —Where I Left My Lover

After a brush with death, Azriel makes a difficult decision to protect you.

✰. —What We Make of What We're Made

When Azriel overhears Feyre's concern about your transition to fae life, he agrees to check on you.

✰. —An Education in Malice✨

With the sharp tongue of your notorious family, you are Azriel's most tantalizing challenge yet. It only takes one small meeting before you both realize that the line between hate and desire is dangerously thin. Part Two✨ Part Three✨ Part Four

✰. —When the Heart is Still Longing ❥

Azriel thought you were the one. Now, he can’t move on

✰. —Pretty Little Shadowsinger

Cassian walks in on you dressing Az in one of your dresses.

✰. —An Evening Reunion

Azriel comes home from a mission. You talk to him about your day, but he’s far more interested in you—and your silk nightgown.

Cassian

♡ ↯. —And I'm Thinking About Your Lips ✨ ❥

You and Cassian have been best friends since you were teenagers-- just friends. But one night at Rita's changes everything and now you cant breathe when you're around him and he can't stop imagining how you'd taste. 18+ SMUT! porn with "plot" aka: best friends to lovers ↯ Part One, ↯ Part Two

↯. — A Hobby for Two ❥

Cassian surprises you with a small gift. You spend the night teaching him how to properly enjoy it.

✰. —A Place For Dying

A mission with Cassian goes terribly wrong.

✰. —Words of Affirmation

Even the Lord of Bloodshed gets insecure sometimes. As his mate, you always know the right words to say.

☼. —Tender

Cassian cuddles with you when you have a migraine

Rhysand

✰. —Insatiable ✨

There are countless reasons why you and Rhysand don’t work… but those reasons don’t seem so important when you’re tipsy in a bathroom with him inside you. 18+ SMUT!

Lucien Vanserra

♡ . — Hidden Things

Following a cryptic vision from Elain, Lucien finds himself seeking out an enchanted artifact at your shop in the heart of the Day Court. What he finds instead is a profound connection with you—and a version of himself he believed he had lost.

Eris Vanserra

♡ . — A House of Hunger

Every Autumn court citizen is hungry for something; beasts starved for influence, desperate for control, ravenous for power. Your tastes are no different—albeit a bit specific. It's a deep craving that boils in the pit of your stomach, hot and heavy, all consuming. You’re hungry for revenge.

✰. —Blessed

Angered by Nesta's actions, the Cauldron turned you into a fae different than your sisters— a lesser one that resembled more animal than human. Now living in Autumn, Eris shows you a new perspective on yourself.

Bat-Boys (Reader x BatBoys)

✰. —Worth It

It can be hard to remember why you’ve put up with your best friends for centuries-- until they remind you why they're worth it.

✰. —A Helping Hand

Even most powerful males in Prythian need relationship advice from their best friend.

Mini-Series

♡ . — Mirthroot Mini-Series

Between dodging death and saving Prythian, its always nice to make time and enjoy one of The Mother's greatest creations: mirthroot. Reader x ACOTAR Characters

#masterlist #azriel x reader #cassian x reader #rhysand x reader #azriel #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #azriel shadowsinger #azriel fanfiction #azriel acotar #cassian x y/n #cassian fic #cassian acotar #cassian x reader smut #cassian smut #cassian fanfic #cassian #azriel x you #azriel smut #azriel fluff #azriel fanfic #azriel fic #rhysand smut #rhys x reader #rhysand #rhysand x you #lucien vanserra #lucien vanserra x reader #lucien vanserra x you #eris vanserra x reader smut