#some people don't even know aro and ace are both separate things. some people don't know there is aroace at all

[plushiehamuko]

being aroace is crazy bc sometimes it's like. whoo yay i have such a wider perception of relationships that's so cool yay!!! and sometimes it's like. i hate this it sucks

#squishy talks too much #i love my identity as aroace. but like #i am tired of being misunderstood #i wish i didn't have to go on social media and see people saying aroace identities and relationships aren't real #i wish i didn't have to go on aroace posts and see allo people say shit that is just straight up insensitive in the comments lol #i wish i didn't have to simplify my identity when people i don't know well enough ask bc they're not gonna understand if i tell them i'm #aro and a lesbian. sometimes people don't even understand asexual and lesbian #some people don't even know aro and ace are both separate things. some people don't know there is aroace at all #and like i don't mind when they're nice and they're respectful upon me explaining but it's like. can we please acknowledge aroace people #just as a whole. to the point where i don't have to consistently explain even the *very basic basics* to people both queer and not queer #and i wish i never personally had to argue with people about whether my aroaceness is valid or not #like. people have told me my identity and other aroace identities are fake DIRECTLY and DEBATED me on my OWN FEELINGS #like it's fuckin high school english or sum. it's insane #and i wish i could look at the list of Options when it comes to relationships and like #not want to choose 'none of the above but also not nothing in general' #and. i'm just tired #WAIT I FORGOT ONE MORE #i wish people would have aroace hcs for characters that aren't just #The Token Obvious Character To Call Aroace #i wish allo people would see us as more than a few repetitive and tired stereotypes #and i wish close relationships in fiction would be seen in aroace contexts #okay that's seriously it sorry for hater-ing on main

[ooc-themis-cattails]

Can I just say how much I appreciate the diversity of ace identities in ISAT and all the detail about it?

(spoilers ahoy)

I love how at first Sif sees the porn scroll as "people doing fun things" but later admits it doesn't interest them at all. Their first response is to say what they know they're "supposed" to think it is, what everyone else is probably going to think it is. But then they learn that it's really ok to admit that they're not into it.

At first Sif is like "why does Beau like me?" but after a while they start to find him cute because they understand the emotion behind his feelings, and while they're not sure if they can actually take it as far as a sexual relationship, they're interested in figuring it out, because for them, that doesn't gross them out, it's just not a drive. This is so relatable to me and I love seeing it bc it's not the typical ace in fiction where like, this character is ace so we mustn't put them in a ship because we should assume it'd gross them out. Sif can be ace but not entirely horrified by sex, and Sif may be romantic (I don't know if even Sif knows whether they are romantic or not)-- I suspect they are demiromantic because it's the intimacy and familiarity of Beau's emotions that makes them start to feel things about the moment by the tree, to the point where they miss it when he doesn't try.

Mirabelle going through the dating service papers is the most wonderful scene because this is what it was like to be ace when I was in my early twenties. Most people didn't know it was a thing, and friends/family were very helpfully concerned that you should find a partner in order to not be alone, because the theory was that it was a basic human need for everyone. I did exactly what Mirabelle did, and had the same kind of reaction: "I have to pick one of these people to try dating because I have to figure out how to be sexually interested in someone so that I can do the whole partnership thing that everyone says you need to do in order to have a fulfilling adult life." Looking at pictures of people trying to figure out how to be attracted to them, or what you like, when the answer is really that you're just Not. And you're kind of torn because some part of you knows that this isn't going to work, but the other part of you legit believes that it's like staying hydrated, you have to do it for your own good even if you're not thirsty.

Mirabelle's being into fictional romance and shipping, just not into doing it herself, is also such a good detail. I'm not aro so I can't speak to that myself, but still, it's a thing. She's emotionally invested in the dynamics between people, she loves watching the details of how they play out, and that's completely separate from ever wanting to do it herself. I've seen it in others and I definitely get that from the perspective of an ace person reading smut-- you can very much enjoy a dynamic without wanting to BE in the dynamic yourself.

Sif coming to understand how attraction works from the outside: "Wait, you can't choose who you get a crush on? That explains so much!" The line made me wince because it's so self-deprecating-- they're probably thinking they're not good enough for Beau-- but I also very much appreciate the realism of how... nobody explains to you how attraction works because they assume you know what it's like, and you probably don't ask because it's embarrassing if they assume that you're an immature late bloomer with no experience of the world, rather than someone who will never have a libido no matter what they've seen. It's so easy to feel infantilized or to infantilize yourself if you're not comfortable with your ace identity. Both Mirabelle and Sif are young enough that they struggle a bit with whether this is really their identity or whether they've just not figured it out yet. In reality, at their age, this probably IS who they are. But they're also a bit hesitant to rule it out because it's really hard to know that you are NOT something, and (given that Mirabelle hadn't really considered the possibility that she's aroace) the culture doesn't seem to have a lot of representation or support for the idea. It's obvious to the player, well, if this is how they feel, then they're ace! But neither one of them can quite settle on that for sure. Because, unlike being attracted to someone where you can go "well that sure did happen", being not attracted to someone is a nonproof. So Mirabelle keeps trying, and Sif doesn't know that their reaction will seem valid to others (as evidenced by the change in how they describe the scroll). Odile, who is aro and who seems to be not entirely ace but isn't exactly the thirstiest plant in the garden, has a different position. She seems to pretty much know where she's at, which makes sense for her age, but we can't really tell if she's always been okay with it or if it's been an issue. We don't know if Ka Bu is a more uptight culture, or how long society has been normalizing non-hetero identities, but we do know she had no female role models, so if any of this heteronormative business was an issue, I imagine it contributed a lot to her feeling of outsiderness. I'd love to know more about how Odile's sexuality impacted her life but she's obviously not about to infodump it on a bunch of 20 year olds, so it remains a mystery. Nonetheless it's pretty great that there's an older aro character, illustrating that people have always been this way, it's just easier for young people to discover it now because they feel more allowed to not be heterosexual. [eta: @butterflyknifepoisoning reminded me that I've misremembered this and Odile isn't actually aro, she's had hatecrushes before and explained them to Mirabelle. Which I kind of sort of remember now! Not sure why I thought she was aro, my memory is crap sometimes. It's still a far cry from yamato nadeshiko, but yeah. Point taken]

...In the end, I find it extremely refreshing that there's a whole RPG party here and only ONE of them experiences sexual attraction, and it's a flamboyant gay-seeming dude with a poorly-kept-secret crush on an enby they/he. ISAT is so cool, it's the best aroace representation I have seen in fiction so far ever.

#isat #in stars and time #ace spec #ace representation

[scholar-of-yemdresh]

Hot take but the aggressive hardline separation of asexual and aromantic is actually EXTREMELY harmful to a lot of ace/aro people.

Angry rant under the cut

It's one to thing to go: "okay yes sometimes they go together but it's important to remember that for some people they can be different things and you can be one and not the other"

And go: "These are TOTALLY DIFFERENT 100 always separate there is no intersection EVER and if you DARE to be both then you have to piecemeal your identity to not uwu invalidate others(we do not care that we are invalidating you though lol) Don't you DARE ever experience them together you are CONFLATING"

It's like yall just want asexual to = alloromantic only and aromantic to = allosexual only.

You don't give a shit about aroaces, aces who aren't alloromantic but don't ID as aromantic or aros who aren't allosexual but don't ID as asexual.

The aspec community despises us. We get talked down to demanded to split our identities apart for your comfort. We can't exist in certain spaces because our presence there is a personal affront to allo-aspecs. Shout out to the alloaros that bitch about those disgusting aroaces just clogging up the aromantic tag ☺. Shout out to the alloaces who can still love and aren't totally heartless monsters 🥺.

Don't talk about ace shit in the aro tags, Don't talk about aro shit in the ace tags...what's that you're both? And can't neatly separate them and it brings you comfort to be able to discuss your whole orientation? SHUT THE FVCK UP YOU CONFLATING IGNORANT SHIT HEAD.

If you want to be in the aromantic community you have to leave your ace-ness at the door same for asexual community and disregarding your aromantism.

A personal example was an Aspec discord server I was in that had two media recs channels one for sex repulsed people and the other for romance repulsed. Now the issue came is that they didn't acknowledge someone could be both i.e both sex & romance repulsed/just looking for media that had neither sexual nor romantic content, what this lead too is that the romance free media channel was filled with graphic hookup erotica or sexually explicit songs and the sex free channel was just fade to black romance books 🙃...wonderful.

Or when polls/forms will ask you to pick your orientation but only things listed are het,gay,bi/pan yes even the ones made by aspecs, and what they actually mean is use the one that correlates to your romantic/sexual attraction...so fvck aroaces and non sam aces & aros?

And don't get me started on how you treat non sam aces & aros. You at least tolerate the self IDing aroaces, because they have the "curtesy" of separating themselves from the real proper aces & aros.(let's not question how many aroaces would prefer to just ID as just asexual or just aromantic but are forced into aroace identity because that would be "conflating" and they don't want to deal with the harassment).

"UwU don't say asexual when you actually mean aromantic" Some bitches don't use to SAM fvck off with allo-splaining my own sexuality to me.

It would be so much easier and save a lot of pain if yall just went : "asexual for some means no sexual attraction and it says nothing of your romantic attraction AND some people use it to mean no attraction generally". And "aromantic for some means no romantic attraction and it says nothing of your sexual attraction AND some people use it to mean no attraction generally" and "for some they are separated but others not so much as there isn't always a strict separation. Just be chill about it don't accuse people of being ignorant or conflating they know their identities better than you". But no ya chose violent aphobia instead.

But ultimately nobody cares because this shit is only harming the undesirable aces/aros the ones who are harmful stereotypes the ones that make you "look bad".

I know deep in my heart there are a lot of alloaces & alloaros that who would be happy if aroaces & non sam aces/aros didn't exist, there I said it. How can I not come to that conclusion when at every turn they shit on us. They talk about how the worst thing in the world is to be mistaken for one of us. That our representation is actively harmful.

A last parting spicy take it's either "asexulity and aromantism are full identities on their own and aren't modifiers" OR "actually neither asexual nor aromantic can stand on their own they need to be paired with another orientation and they actually are just modifiers" you can't have it both ways. 🤭

#asexual #aromanticism #aro #ace #non sam aro #aphobia #acephobia in the aro community #arophobia in the ace community #vent #i love how no matter what alloaces & alloaros can take a break from being aphobic to eachother and join forces where it really matters #being aphobic and hateful towards aroaces! I LOVE that aspec solidarity #the community also despises sex & romance repulsed aspecs but that's a rant for another day #also can we talk about how this has embolden full on allos to talk shit on aroaces??? excuse me??? #when an allo bitch is talking down to you about how you're using asexual or aromantic wrong #bitch who the fvk are you? gtfo outta aspec spaces now interloper #aroace #non sam ace #I'm pissed so i might delete later lol #never forget the time on reddit i made a long post pleading with the community not to force the sam on all aces #and that non sam aces aren't ignorant or invalidating anyone and we should be shown grace and acceptance in the community #...only for an (allo?)ace to basically say it's my fault if people assume I'm alloace or accuse me of conflating if i ID as just ace #lol get bent

[bloggingboutburgers]

hihi! bit of a personal question so feel free not to answer, but what are your thoughts on getting platonically married and/or cohabitation? also (again dont have to answer if ur not comfortable lol) do u ever plan on having/adopting kids? im aro greyace and i havent rlly met any aspec people who also want to adopt/have kids at some point so im curious lol.

Actually yeah – I plan on both! My queerplatonic partner doesn't live in the same country as me and it's been taxing at times, I miss being close to them on days, and considering the laws, getting married would probably be the only way we can be physically together and stay together... So that's one thing. (Actually, even before realizing this practical aspect I was already having thoughts that I'd never considered marrying anyone but if I did, with them, it really wouldn't be bad at all 🙈)

Kids are also a long-term plan – my partner, who's also ace, wants to have kids in the future, and personally I'm not opposed to the idea. I love interacting with kids (in a non-creepy way obviously, just, they're so much more open-minded and less full of bullshit than adults, it can be so interesting to spend time with them, teach them things and learn other things from them), my only fear is that I wouldn't be a good parent and would do something wrong that'd make them suffer. But... I don't know, maybe having that fear is a good sign that at least I'll be careful? idk

My parents are allo, hetero people and they got divorced after one cheated on the other and resentment piled up for years and we had to bear witness to it. That sucked big time. I was scared of dinnertime and got so angry for the sake of my little brothers who suffered more than me due to being younger and possibly seeing it coming less. In a way, being in a queerplatonic relationship erases a lot of that fear for me and my partner. If they become romantically involved with someone at some point, considering my aro brain, I don't think I'll resent them, I'll just be like "fair enough as long as they're happy". I feel that in itself might avoid a lot of behavioral issues I've had to take from my folks. Also, just... I feel there's less risk of "cheating" to begin with because there's less risk of frustration at "the sex not being good anymore" – since we don't have it. I don't wanna put allosexuals in boxes or say this is the only problem that can lead to couples separating, FAR from it. But I just know I've heard some people citing that as a reason for couple problems, so... Yeah, y'know. That's one risk we don't have.

...I don't know, maybe I'm overly optimistic over things. Which is kinda rare for me. But in any case I hope this can be helpful and bring reassurance^^

#anon #aspec #aromantic #marriage #parenting #why do i keep writing such long messages i'm so sorry

[part-time-pixie]

Plot twist - I say Chloe’s love interest in the winx AU…. Should be Kim….. 😱😱😱😱😱

Beauty and the beast but they’re BOTH beauties AND beasts in a way???? Chloe can be… Chloe and Kim can be kinda dumb.

BUT

Kim could help Chloe learn to care about people and be more social and make friends and be loyal, while Chloe would help Kim be more aware of his impact on others and he can USE “pushing his weight around” for his cause.

I know a lot of people don’t like the Chloe/Kim ship, but I think with their friends supporting them and the fact that they’re in separate schools in this AU (so Kim has to learn to be his own person without Chloe leading him around by his nose and Chloe cant just use Kim and has to learn her own life lessons on her own as well) would really make for an interesting set up for a good Chloe/Kim foundation.

I don’t see a lot of that ship. But pairing Chloe with Kim still leaves you with a lot of other pairing options. Or you could also just leave some people single - not everyone HAS to be paired up! That’s another thing I don’t often see explored.

And I don’t mean something like Alix being aro/ace, because I do see that fairly often. I mean just having someone choose to be single. They COULD be in a relationship, but they’re not interested in anyone at that point in time, or they want to focus on themselves first, or their career, or they’re just not interested in a relationship right now. It would be interesting for a side character to be in that position. I know that shipping is fun for the main characters of course, but maybe someone like Max, Alix, Zoe, or Sabrina may choose the single life! 🤷‍♀️

Sorry this got long lol

Can you tell I LOVE and am super invested in your winx AU already 😅

AHHH I LOVE THAT

^ actual princess in this AU

Honestly the best part about AUs to me is to explore different dynamics!! Even if I'm personally not a huge fan of a ship, it's still fun to throw characters into all kinds of scenarios and see what happens ✨ and the Chloe/Kim dynamic would work really well here, I agree!

And I also think it's nice when characters in media choose to be single (which is why I liked Frozen and the fact that they didn't give Elsa a love interest dsfds). This is actually something I feel like fits for Luka, too!

I enjoy picturing AUs like visual novels tbh, where each character has different romance options and we can explore their love stories together 😂 or their single lives~

ALSO PLS DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE FOR LONG MESSAGES I LOVE READING THEM AND I GET SUPER EXCITED SO THANK YOU !!

#💌 #au: winx #ml winx au #miraculous ladybug #chloe burgeois #kim le chien #doodle #💐

[redysetdare]

As another non-split aroace, you're so correct for saying that we're treated as the punching bags of both aro and ace communities. Like if y'all can accept and support straight aros and aces but are hostile towards aroaces, you're just aphobic. Yes even if you're aro/ace yourself. Aro spaces nowadays literally have the same attitude towards aroaces that exclusionists used to have towards asexuals, that we're weird freaks bringing purity culture into their "safe" communities just by existing and therefore need to be pushed out. And ace spaces still act like we're the bad guys and need to be pushed out of their "safe" communities because we can't romantically love other people, which makes us heartless monsters apparently. It's just exhausting. I've never seen aroaces being so hostile towards non-ace aros and non-aro aces, we're always trying to uplift their voices and bring awareness to their issues. But the moment we try to talk about our own issues in aromantic or asexual spaces we're told to shut up and let them speak over us because we somehow have it better than them. Not to mention the pressure to split your experiences into aro vs ace and prioritise one part of your identity over the other if you want to be taken seriously in those spaces. Like sorry but for some of us our aroaceness is interwined not split. But we're still aros and aces, still a part of your community. Stop trying to push us out of our own communities on the basis of aphobic stereotypes.

Honestly I've been kinda biting my tongue on it for a while because I understand why Aro and Ace ppl have been trying to separate the communities. it can be frustrating to constantly be paired with an identity that you don't relate to - but i feel like so many ppl have taken it way to far. They've taken the relatively understandable stance of "Aromantic and Asexual are not the same identity" and pushed it to the extreme of "Aro and Ace are so completely different they have nothing in common and NO overlap" and the worst part is i don't think anyone has particularly noticed.

Idk I was most active in the aro and ace communities when we still kinda shared communities. the idea that aro and ace were separate was still a thing (hell, aroaces were the ones helping to push that distinction. we wanted people to recognize our aro identities too, yknow.) but we recognized the overlap and similarities and supported each other... now it just feels like im seeing post after post reminding people not every aro or ace person is aroace and that people shouldt tag aro posts as ace and vice versa and "no ace people cant relate to aro experiences" "no aro people cant relate to ace experiences" because "They are so different they are completely not the same and don't have any overlapping problems at all" and as an aroace it sucks!

it sucks feeling forgotten in my own communities.

It's almost feeling like they are blaming us for there being this idea that people are are Ace must also be aro and people who are aro must also be ace. Like they know they cant get mad at the allos so they get mad at aroaces and act like we are the reason allos think this way. It's like aroaceness is only brought up to talk about how "Not everyone is aroace" or "aroace characters are so much more prevalent in media (Proceeds to only talk about ace characters)" or how aroace ppl must have an identity that means more to them - how their aro or ace identity must be more important or effect them more because they can't possibly intertwined and overlap and "hey you tagged your post with aro and ace tags but obviously its only about aromanticism/only about asexuality so remove some of those tags because it's annoying me" or worse I see aromantics being acephobic or asexuals being arophobic and it's like.... where do i fit in?

people think aroace ppl ran both communities as 1 community and they say it was bad and that we need to separate - but from my perspective it was two communities who worked together. the only difference now is that aroace ppl are getting pushed to the side. thrown under the bus. "you dont need rep you have tons of rep. society loves giving aroace rep!" and "not everyone is aroace. you're experience isn't universal and so you shouldn't talk about it" Aroace voices just got smaller. we got quieter. because our own communities decided we were privileged. we were more accepted than they were. or worse that we were actually the real freaks for not feeling both sexual and romantic attraction. we weren't palatable enough - there was nothing that could be used to normalize us. and besides, it was easier to just only fight for one set of rights, right?

and part of me understands it. it sucks. it sucks to always be a footnote. but guess what - aro and aces and aroaces are footnotes of the queer community. we're stuck here together and instead we're fighting over who's the more important footnote. we are all in the same boat and we're acting like we're not and trying to sink the ship forgetting we're all on it together.

#asks #and to be clear this isn't saying that other aspecs asking for rep or asking for recognition is a bad thing that was never the issue #it's not about how aroallo people or alloace ppl are bad or evil or oppressors #this isn't about how arospec or acespec people are all actually out to get aroace people #this is about an experience aroace people sometimes have within aro and ace spaces because certain aros and aces decide we aren't worthy #because certain aros and aces decide we dont belong #anyways sorry this took so long to answer I was trying to word it in a way that was understandable #and hopefully in a way ppl wouldnt misinterpret #but then i realized ppl who have bad faith will purposefully do that #so i shouldn't worry too much #ppl who look at it in good faith will have a conversation with me. ppl who look at it in bad faith are just the people im talking about.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Hi, how are you? First of all, thanks so much for your blog, because of you I started "Jeweler Richard" and "Moriarty the Patriot". And I love both of them. Since this last 3 years, I've lose interest in het romance and already drown in BL & GL manga/manhwa (especially BL). But those two stories that you recommended are very different than BL series that I read until now.

I also read in your blog that you're an ace. Can I ask hiw do you know that? Sorry for the sudden ask. It's just I lived in a country that anti LGBTQ+ (even in my family). I'm mid 20s but have no desire to have sex or romantic relationship with anyone. Eventhough I loved romance fictions and my hobby for the past few years are reading romantic fanfics. I love reading or watching other people's relationship but I don't want it for myself. Am I ace? What's the different between ace and aroace?

My mother for the past 20 years (since divorcing my father) never again in a romantic relationship, doest it mean she's also ace? Not that I can talk about this things to her, she's very strong in a religion that she truly believe that everything LGBTQ+ related must enter hell....

Sorry for this long ask, @seeingteacupsindragons , do you belive that I want to learn LGBTQ+ because of fanfics and danmei novels that lead me to love BL manga/manhwa....? Weird right?

Hi Anon! I had to pull this in to Word to write up a response because there’s a lot here, and I wanted to give you a good reply that really addressed things you have to say.

To start: I’m glad you found things you like through me! Yay! Both series are obviously very near and dear to me. Neither are BL, either, so that’s probably why they’re so different: they don’t have to confine to those genre conventions, because they…aren’t BL.

Anyway, wanting to learn about queer stuff because of fanfics and danmei and BL and manga and manhwa and fiction more generally is…

Actually pretty common.

I know a lot of people who started their exploration of their own queerness that way…and that includes me. It’s probably the most popular, accessible, and easy for teens to get ahold of, form of queerness or at least some sort. Or at least it used to be; it does seem that’s starting to change a bit with social media becoming more common. But it’s the first place a lot of people even saw something besides heteronormativity and the gender binary, or at least the first place they were expected to properly think about it (especially with things like Sailor Moon being censored in the US and likely other countries), and it’s popular around the ages people start to question this kind of thing.

Aromantic and asexuality are related, but separate concepts (for a lot of people). Aromantic means experiencing romantic attraction to someone rarely, never, or only under specific circumstances. Asexual means experiencing sexual attraction to someone rarely, never, or only under specific circumstances. “Ace” means “Asexual.” “Aro” means “Aromantic. “Aroace” means someone who is both.

As for how I know I’m ace…well, honestly, when I first encountered the word and definition I was like, “That’s what it is???” because I knew myself already by that point. Aro took a little longer for me to settle on, just because romantic attraction can sometimes be a little trickier to pull out from other things than sexual attraction often is.

And aro and ace are larger than simply not being interested personally in being in a sexual or romantic relationship, although those are for sure pretty common signs. And being interested in them in fiction when they have nothing to do with you is also reasonably common.

To help maybe explain some of this with characters you know, at one point, Tanimoto has a comment about how not experiencing a thing (romance) is different from thinking it has nothing to do with you at all, and I think that’s a pretty good explanation: you can be single and not interested in a relationship, but there can be reasons for that other than simply not being attracted and being entirely outside the…concept of wanting one with someone. And in volume one, Shimomura recognizes that the way Seigi calls Richard beautiful might be the same way a person calls Mt. Fuji beautiful and compares it to his own experiences, and I appreciate that, because he’s recognizing the existence of non-sexual and non-romantic attraction. That’s a really ace-affirming moment, too. That’s what being ace feels like often.

I don’t know your mom, and couldn’t say what she is. I have heard of some older people realizing they were ace or aro once their kids came out and they realized it was…a thing, just the same way when their kids might be diagnosed with something and they realize their experience wasn’t actually typical. Her not being in a relationship for 20 years could be for a lot of reasons, and it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ace.

I don’t know if you’re ace, either. That’s a label only you can pick for yourself. Maybe it resonates with you! Maybe it doesn’t. But it’s really up to you, not me or anyone else.

#queer #queerness #asexuality #aromantic #asexual #aromanticism #actually asexual #actually aromantic #aroace #aro ace

[potatopossums]

partnered aro here.

i have been having some thoughts about what it's like to be in a relationship, even if it's difficult to label what type of relationship it is (romantic, queerplatonic, alterous, etc.). I've also been having some thoughts about my queer identity in regards to how my aromanticism affects my lesbianism and vice versa, and their relationship to gender. it's probably worth a larger post, but if anyone is curious or has comments to add about their experiences, please feel free to ask/comment/reblog/direct message.

incompletely, things I've learned so far whilst in a partnership:

Sex is cool to think about but not so much fun in practice..... irl, it can be absolutely fabulous; it can also be alright; it can also be a little boring and uncomfortable. the best part is, i don't have to do it if i don't feel like it. that's pretty cool. who cares if my medication is lowering my libido (and who cares if my meds aren't the problem, and I'm just a sex-favorable/neutral ace).

Sex usually consists of me pleasuring my partner and jerking myself off afterward, and I'm okay with that...... it's not always one-sided giving (and if you honestly think that giving to your partner is one-sided by default, as if you're suffering through the giving and waiting painfully for your turn, you really need to reevaluate how you're doing sex, because I'm sitting there enjoying watching my partner, exploring her body, listening to her breathing, reacting to her movements, and all of that is very enjoyable for me while I'm giving. orgasm is not the end all be all of sex). plus, i don't tend to receive orgasms because i have vaginismus, which doesn't allow others to penetrate me. i can penetrate myself and achieve orgasm when I'm controlling everything, but it is uncomfortable and painful still for others to control penetration, which is required for my orgasm. that said, i also receive external, non-penetrative touch and stimulation (such as receiving head: wowie 😵‍💫🥵). for where i am, I'm comfortable with things, and that's great.

Sex with myself is so good..... my brain has always been really good at thinking up fun scenarios that excite and turn me on. i know exactly what images push me to orgasm. i like orgasming. thanks to my medications, the orgasms aren't as strong, but i know what time of day to masturbate so that i actually can orgasm. i don't always masturbate nowadays, but when I do, it's a really lovely self care moment, and i wish masturbation was talked about that way more often. it's not for everyone, but I've definitely heard masturbation referred to as anything from "something lonely, loser singles do" to "not nearly as good as being with someone" and i honestly beg to differ on both of those. masturbating is not an indicator of loneliness or inadequacy, and it's not some second-rate pleasure in comparison to sex with a partner. masturbation is its own action, its own thing, and it has no moral or status implications. i love doing it, and i always have, and i love doing it alone.

I get the most out of sex when it's framed as a sensual experience, rather than a sexual one..... like ok, I'm not the best at figuring out the difference between sexual versus sensual, but I'm mostly interested in what feels good. if the only thing that separates them is genital touch or sexual arousal, then fine. but sometimes non-sexual touch arouses me sexually! so, in my mind, what is the point of separating them, i ask! if sex feels good, then it was a good sensual experience. if you're not paying attention to how things feel regarding your five (5) senses during sex, I'm not sure what else you're paying attention to? i mean, no shade to paying attention to other things that don't fit in the senses category, and no shame to people who categorize these experiences differently. those experiences and perspectives are valuable and wonderful! for me, it's just all sensual, even if it's sexual too. sexual gratification, for me, is in a sensual category (and also a mental one, but usually my mental additions to sexual experiences are visual in nature, such as picturing a scene/location or a fictional character).

this is all i have for now, but if i think of more things, I'll reblog and add more to this list.

as always, i welcome discussion on these topics, as it is so important for our community to share and connect over similar and differing experiences! celebrating these things about ourselves is essential to our pride, and we deserve to be ourselves fully and openly.

#aromantic #queer #alterous #personal #queerplatonic #gynephile #aromantic lesbian #agender lesbian #friendship #asexual #agender

[sleepless-crows]

book fans are really going to have to think about it as an au, or a different timeline. With that in mind, it was so good. The very last scene?!?! Alina’s struggle with her morals when it comes to mal, her struggle with needing more power when it comes to the point where she turns to merzost- since they didn’t adapt it with the apparat’s underground shit, with her discovering there, that was the perfect decision.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about Sturmhond!Mal, and I love Inej going after slave traders already, but what with the introduction of jurda, how will her return (or absence) for the ice court job play out? (Also, so glad kuwei didn’t get in the way of the first wesper kiss. I think they did an amazing job with older wesper, and I will die on that hill)

Did you see the look between tolya and inej when he helped her up? Hoping and praying that wasn’t a ship thing.

JESPER ALMOST SAID SIX OF CROWS- HE ALMOST SAID IT

Pekka deserves to die, actually. He didn’t suffer enough. Poor Matthias </3

I really need to read the lives of saints now.

Oh, speaking of Pekka, it was so cool to see Kaz’s revenge play out on screen

i could go on, but bye for now babe

oh my gosh i have so many opinions about the finale. i really did not like alina's ending and just for zoya i would gladly prefer that she faked her death and lost her powers. if many people didn't like that, then they should've done literally anything else so long as it did not do zoya like that.

also i entirely just forgot about the apparat now that you mentioned him. i don't know i kinda liked what he did for the story even if i forgot what that was but i guess the show au was an intriguing decision.

I KNOW RIGHT. i'm glad mal is like finding his identity or something but sturmhond is nikolai's thing. i feel like the whole sturmhond thing was also done a little weirdly in the show. also how they talk about sturmhond like he's an act nikolai puts up instead of an alternate identity which he can take up to do things he wouldn't be able to as prince/king but where he is probably the most himself.

yeah i'm also glad inej is going after the slave traders already but like this was all because they killed off tante heleen. like she's not a part of the main crows anymore??? just like that??? i don't like that decision.

i think show!wesper was really cute and really fun and i loved it. but i love it separately from book!wesper. i have some controversial opinions about how they handled wesper in the show so sakdjfhlksjdf

OH I SWEAR. TOLYA IS ACE. AN ARO ACE ICON OKAY. AND INEJ WOULD NEVER FALL FOR ANYONE ELSE THAT KIND OF RUINS THE WHOLE POINT OF KANEJ? THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S RIDE OR DIE. INEJ HAS HER TRAUMA, THE ONLY REASON SHE EVEN FELL FOR KAZ WAS BECAUSE HE WAS THE BOY WHO SAVED HER. THEY BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING WITH TOLYA AND INEJ FOR THE BOTH OF THEM

HE ALMOST DID AND THEY CUT HIM OFF LIKE WHY

i just find it really frustrating that we still have pekka like the guy infuriates me so much i don't want to think about him or see him after he's been rid off like stop talking to matthias and interfering with helnik. i also really liked matthias' storyline in the show though. they changed a lot, but i really loved what they did with it.

and yes, violent kaz showed up so much and i loved that

#amandayetagain asks #i hope you know if you rant in my inbox i will also rant in turn <3 #i want to ask you to dance right there* #sab spoilers #shadow and bone spoilers

[miniscrew-anon]

okay!!! i was thinking!!! and i have An Idea!!! it might be vomited into the inbox tomorrow. but in the meantime here are Fourshadow headcanons :D

-four is aroace but it took him ages to figure it out because he never really cared. he eventually sat down and researched it and figured it out.

-shadow is still uncertain. he doesn't really experience any attraction, but he still likes sex and romancey things so he's maybe on the aro-romance positive ace-sex positive side (but he's not going to research that- four will find it out and he'll be like 'alr cool sounds accurate' and move on with his day)

-they'd known each other for like a year or so when they started dating BUT FIRST they were literally friends with benefits (except like. that whole drabble.) because shadow was Horny (tm) and four was like 'ig i like him??? maybe???? whatever' and that lasted for like 5 or 6 months until they said they were dating

-but four realized he didn't really have romantic feelings for shadow and felt really bad for like a while

-and then shadow realized something was wrong and asked and then four was like 'i think we should break up i don't actually love you'

-and then shadow was like 'wait but??? idc??? we can stay friends but this is working' (because it was working fine (and also shadow wasn't sure if he felt romantic feelings but still liked what they had going on hence the possible aro-romance positive so he just didn't say anything because he liked what they had and felt like it was fine))

-and so they took off the Dating label and just continued doing the exact same thing

-so if you were to be technical about it they are in a Queer Platonic Relationship but neither of them know the term (yet...four will eventually look it up but it won't change anything for them) so they just say partners :D

wow that got long. hopefully i will be able to write more this summer because i passed all of my exams after a stressful semester but thank hylia. i will have more time to write! (maybe i'll make an ao3...that would be wild can you imagine) hopefully this was coherent if there isn't another drabble in your inbox in like 2 days call me out and i'll write it

-secret third thing

GOD YES PLEASE I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE SHARE THEIR HEADCANONS WITH ME

All the sexuality stuff for them I big agree - Four is pretty solid in his aroace-ness but Shadow likes to avoid labels. He enjoys being a big ol’ mystery in every way he can and just hovers around the grey-romantic area. He does like sex and he’ll go seek it out but he doesn’t bother with dating because he doesn’t find the concept appealing. Someone you have to text frequently and who you have to periodically see at arraigned times for dates? Nah, he prefers a very flexible relationship that lets him slink in and out of someone’s life at his own leisure. Maybe disappear for a month at a time. Then crawl in through their bedroom window and steal their bed for four days. He’s very much like the feral alley cat you feed but can’t take home with you because he’ll scratch and claw.

And I love your thoughts on their relationship! It’s funny but I always pictured Four and Shadows relationship working almost backwards to yours lmao. From friends to completely unspoken QPP to QPP with benefits

They meet young and go through Some Shit. And by the time they get through it they end up kind of attached to each other despite their differences. So they stick together during a very turbulent time in their lives when they’re drifting along trying to keep their heads above water. During this time nothing is certain and so their bond gets even stronger because it becomes the one thing they can both kind of count on even if everything else is burning to the ground around them.

Finally they get their shit together (kind of) and at that point they’re literally inseparable. Except when they want to be separated. Then it’s a whole lot of ew get away from me you’re so annoying go die in a ditch (affectionate) lmao. But they end up in it for the long game. And yeah they might go off and experiment with others (Four with dating, Shadow with sex) but nothing ever really comes of it. They figure out what they like and that’s kind of that.

The QPP is never brought up. They just find their way into it. Like everything between them, it goes completely unsaid but clearly understood. They have never said it aloud but they very much understand that they are eachothers person.

(Then one day Four gets curious enough to take up Shadow on one of his billion joking pick up lines. And Shadow is like “wait really? You sure?”

And Four is like “I can change my mind if you want” and Shadow immediately takes off his clothes like “no takebacks let’s do it”

And now they’ll sleep together whenever Four feels like indulging Shadow. And if he isn’t into it at the moment Shadow can go off and find someone else if he wants. Four’s not possessive)

Anyway that’s how I’ve always seen it. I do love the way they literally never speak to each other and kind of just read each others minds so I wanted to build that into their relationship. I imagine one day they’ll need to talk it out but both of them are comfortable with what they have now so as per usual they will refuse to talk aloud about anything serious lmao

But I do love your headcanons too. I do love the one about Four feeling bad about not being “in love” with Shadow meanwhile Shadow can give less of a shit about what label they’re using. It’s very much a Them thing to do ❤️

ALSO WOOHOO CONGRATS ON PASSING! The end of semesters were so dang stressful I could not be paid to go back to that. Don’t stress about send me anything - go take a nap instead omg you deserve it lol. (Although I do eagerly await anything you happen to drop by into my box. It’s always the highlight of my day 😆)

#secret third thing #hsh au #townhouse au #hsh four #hsh shadow #headcanon #I love talking about these two #I am so full of headcanons #secret I am peeking into my inbox every hour to see if you sent me anything you’ve given me a complex #in the best possible way

[quelsentiment]

3, 15, 17, 18 for the weird writing asks!!

Thanks Fee!

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

Okay, so I used to write on Google Docs for the longest time and then a few months I told myself that maybe it wasn't the best privacy-wise. So I've switched to using Open Office, which I think helps me focus better because having it on a separate window away from my web browser reduces the temptation to stop mid-sentence to check another tab, you know? But at the same time, this feels VERY cursed because my version doesn't have any kind of spelling check, plus my WIPs are now saved on my internal drive, and since I don't make backups of them that often, I live in fear or my laptop dying on me and making me lose weeks of progress

Oh also, there's basically no word count lololol

Am I gonna do anything about any of this though? No, we're raw-dogging life over here 😎

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

I already answered this earlier but the short answer is I currently don't, but I don't judge people who do (unless it's a library book or something)

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

I guess I'll talk about my fic for the Zouis Fest (although it might not even be part of it in the end, because I keep writing for the Dream Team fandom instead rip)

Anyway, I'm still not sure exactly what I'm doing with it. Like the main idea is that it's a Zayn-POV, canon-compliant(ish), present day fic where they run into each other in Hong Kong and are kinda forced to acknowledge what happened all those years ago, and figure out how to move forward. So like, lots of angst and feelings of betrayal and conflict and serious conversations because that's basically all I know how to (and all I want to) write lol

At the moment I'm not sure whether to keep it focused on their friendship or introduce some kind of romance aspect to it (toying with the idea that they had some kind FWB situation going while they were in the band). But since it's canon-compliant I'd feel kinda iffy doing that. I've never actually written canon-compliant before, and I have to admit that it scares me a bit, also because I've been extremely removed from the 1d fandom lately

Anyway one thing I'm sure about is that I want a scene to be inspired by the following verse from Blur's My Terracotta Heart:

And when we fly tomorrow over the Java seas And my younger maps will be there with me 'Cause they remind me of swimming out too far one day Then the coral was gone, but I didn't care anyway

Something about Zayn going too far to swim and Louis watching him almost drown but not realizing what's happening, as a metaphor for what went wrong between them

Yeah, that's pretty much all I can share at the moment. I should really get back to it

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end.

Zayn Malik is, without a doubt, the most beautiful person Louis has ever had the privilege to lay his eyes on. To the point that if he were to explain aesthetic attraction to someone, he’d probably say something like: “The feeling I get when I look at that gorgeous guy in my English 586 class.”

That's the opening line from Situations Like These, my aro/ace Zouis fic from the first Zouis fest.

It's one of those stories that really started out with just a scene rather than an idea/concept, which I think is the case for a lot of my fics actually. I mean, I did have a prompt for this fic, which was something like "they're both ace but don't tell the other for fear of driving him away", so it was pretty vague in terms of setting and everything else, really.

I remember coming up with that opening scene and the bits of dialogues at my grandparents' place right before getting on the road back home with my parents, and since I'd rather die than write in front of them, I just had to make sure to commit everything to my memory by repeating it all in my head throughout the day, until we were finally home and I could write it down. But that's something I do a lot, I think, just come up with stuff (typically dialogue) at inconvenient times and praying that I remember it by the time I can write it down 😬 And then of course when you actually settle in front of your computer, you feel like all your inspiration is gone

Anyway, I think this might be one of my favourite opening scenes I've written, I feel like it's pretty fun while setting the tone and dynamics for the whole fic

writing asks

#thanks for asking these!! #hope you had a good day :) #asks #feeisamarshmallow

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(Just some thoughts on label stuff but—)

So most of the time aspec labels mirror each other (i.e. demisexual and demiromantic, aroflux and aceflux, stuff like that), would this also apply to cupioromantic?

The prefix cupio- probably stems from cupid or a related word, which implies the desire for a romance specifically, so im not sure how well it would translate to cupiosexual, or if there’s even a point in that sort of label when something like sex favorable ace exists which. Kind of implies what cupiosexual would be trying to achieve? (Desire for sexual relationship(s))

Idk if there are any other aspec labels that dont really translate well to the other side of the SAM but its interesting to think abt! Esp with the history of ace and aro being like. Sister communities and how thats affected how labels come to be, with them bouncing off of each other so much

(Idk if this is coherent my brains spent the past few days marinating in research papers that i barely understand)

Yeah, it is interesting. I have noticed that even though x-favourable and cupio- mean very similar things, and both can be used for ace and aro orientations, that I see sex-favourable used a lot more often in the ace community and cupioromantic used more often in the aro community (though i think romance-favourable is a bit more common in the aro community than cupiosexual is in the ace community which I almost never see).

As for mirrors, there is actually a term coined for the opposite of cupioromantic which is orchidromantic (someone who does not desire a romantic relationship). It's not as well known and I think, interestingly enough, I actually see romance-averse used more. But definitely proves your point a bit.

It would be interesting to know more of the history for these terms, I do remember for a long time people were using x-positive/x-negative, but both those terms are a lot rarer now to avoid confusion with the sex-positivity political movement. I think both popped up as replacements? Though cupioromantic I think also started becoming more prominent as the aro community started establishing itself more as a community separate from the ace community. I'm just going off my imperfect memory, though LGBTA Wiki does say cupioromantic was coined on or before 2014. (It doesn't know when sex-favourable started to be used.)

If you don't mind, I'm going to post this publicly to see if anyone else has some insights or wants to share their two cents. (Though if you want me to set the ask as private, just let me know.)

All the best!

[noxiatoxia]

hihi hello!!!!!.. i love talking about hikakao so true

im arospec so i honestly don't like outright romance or shippy stuff that much. However i love love love qplatonic/super affectionate platonic relationships, just really close relationships that don't really have a label to them. i think thats why i always get hyperfixated on the close best friends/twin siblings dynamic, a pair who are really close without all the official romance stuff in there, while still having a super close bond that lets them do near romantic things with each other to show their love. best dynamic Tbh

so that's kinda my favorite way of seeing hikakao. like they know some of the things they do are not considered usually acceptable but they don't really think they're in love. they just love each other with the strength of a romantic relationship, and some of the things they do (like kisses and cuddling) they started so young that they find them to be too integral in their relationship to stop, even after they find out it's 'weird'. they just love each other and want to show it. they just want to snuggle god damn it...let them be !!

i think my way of seeing them is like,, a half step down from yours. as in, mine is just slightly more platonic. but i still appreciate hikakao in all its forms,, they are just so silly i love them

ALSO idk about haruhikakao, i haven't really thought about it, but tamahikakao is so cute to me,, especially set in middle school, when the twins first come to the host club and they fall in love with tamaki just because he's so outgoing and kind and trusting, and deep down they admire him for that because they're terrified to be any of those things. and he was that way with Them, the biggest edgelords ever. he is literally so cool for that in their eyes

so they're just infatuated with tamaki, and he kinda falls for them about halfway through the year because he finally got them to come out of their shells and they're super energetic and fun, like him. and he thinks they might like him too. but kyoya tells him they're only in love with him because he's the first person to really make an effort with them, and so to tamaki it would be kinda wrong to make a move with them when they're just in love because they're traumatized. (btw i don't think it would Actually be wrong/abusive at all if they did get together at that time, i just think tamaki would think its wrong) and also kyoya points out that they might take it the wrong way that he's in love with both of them because like. your whole premise was that they could be seen as separate people. and then you tell them that you would date Both of them,, just like those girls,, don't do that you idiot you'll risk driving them off

that was really ramble-y (rambly?) but i think that because of all that, no one makes a move for a long time, and it Could be they never do. but also i think the idea of them all admitting they're all in love with each other way later, like in late highschool, is really cute.

However just early host club tamahikakao where they all just crush on each other and deny their feelings is really sweet too,,. i just think that they wouldn't actually get into a relationship until later. AND their relationship era later on is adorable. polyamory chaos. love that for them.

THIS IS GETTIGN SO LONG but i have a friend who really likes sonic.exe (like the creepypasta) and she's the reason i even started liking sonic without playing any of the games.., she dragged us to see the movie. loved every second of it though,, tails is my favorite. he is so silly

i might look into the playstation games and some pc emus Unless i can manage to convince someone to get me a nintendo hardware for my birthday. maybe

OH I GET IT ANON DW. I'm not ace but I'm on the aro spectrum and I get what ur feeling. When I was younger I outright AVOIDED romance songs/movie/books bc they pissed me off so much bc I didn't understand what the big deal about romantic love was and it was stupid to me. And to an extent I have a slight aversion still. But for me hikakao (and a lot of other ships, especially queer ones) are very different than straight ships, esp bc with Hikakao there are a Lot of factors (like... the siblings thing, for example. Makes the potential stories more interesting/less cookie cutter). But I get it man and like I said, I prefer this weird grey area with hikakao where it basically is qpp and they're just each other's most important person forever and always

I adore qpp and tbh that's what I see hikaharukao as btw. basically qpps who are ""dating"" but not really they just hang out together. Haruhi is also (grey)aro in my head so she's not really romantically involved with them. They're just a big qpp polycule it's great. Side note this is how I choose to interpret Hikaru and Haruhi in the anime. Hikaru is just suuuuper close to Haruhi as a friend he has a squish on her basically and he gets jealous like "NO THAT'S MY FRIEND" like he did with Arai. I don't think he's in love, I think he just has somebody he really cares about and he has no clue how to deal with that bc Hikaru has never handled his emotions well.

As for tamahikakao YOU GET IT!!! I love love love the idea that the twins had a huge crush on Tamaki in middle school bc he was their first real friend who didn't get sick of them/leave them when they were mean to him. He still stuck around and tried to put in the effort to tell them apart and that got to them. Esp bc their world was still so small so to them this was a HUGE deal. And Tamaki IS pretty and all.... so yeah I think they get a big ol crush on him but they have no clue what this feeling is all they know is that they're trailing after him all the time in the club room like ducklings to their mom. Tamaki at first thinks it's cute & funny and is all like "they just want to learn how to be a host from the best!" and ofc the twins' first reaction is to be edgy about it like "NO WE HATE YOU THAT'S NOT IT" but this doesn't really hurt Tamaki he just thinks it's silly mostly.

But man, if Tamaki developed feelings back, bc he really does care about these 2 and he WANTS to get to know them better so he can tell them apart etc... and then he ends up falling too. And I never considered that part you said but IT'S REALLY GOOD bc yeah confessing to them both would be a bad idea, Kyoya would def say as much. Tamaki doesn't want to hurt their feelings on accident even if he truly likes them both, so he doesn't say anything...

But as they go through the years, he does begin to tell them apart from their little quirks. The way Kaoru talks and acts is different from his brother, Hikaru is more loud and outgoing, Kaoru is more thoughtful and slow; other things he picks up on like how Kaoru will always fidget with a pencil/pen if one is in his hand while Hikaru doesn't, or how Hikaru's smile is just a tiny bit wider than Kaoru's, Kaoru's laugh is more wheezy, Hikaru's yelling is more boisterous, and it seems Hikaru's nails are cut a slight bit shorter than Kaoru's (yes he noticed this, no it's not because he tries to find an excuse to hold their hands at every conceivable moment, whatever could you be talking about)

But the thing is, Tamaki STILL loves them BOTH for their own unique traits. He likes how thoughtful and relaxed Kaoru is, he likes how stubborn and energized Hikaru is, and he doesn't want to choose one over the other. But he's scared, because he doesn't know if he'll mess up and say the wrong thing. he doesn't want to create a rift between the brothers, get into their private world, and he doesn't want them to suddenly hate Tamaki and everyone else. He doesn't know if it's safe, but he almost doesn't care, because he just wants to be with them.

I think for them it'd be one of those things that happen slowly over time. It wouldn't be a sudden deceleration of love, but a slow over-time thing of them spending more and more time together, Tamaki clearly demonstrating he knows the twins individually by personality, literally sharing a hotel room at some point during some big Club vacation and it's then Hikaru (always Hikaru, the hasty, mouth-works-faster-than-brain mf) who asks, "So, are we like, a thing now?" And well... Well, they probably are. And they're cool with that <3

Side note, I have a hanahaki hikakao au which ?? i'll never write (too lazy) but also i have no clue why I thought of it bc like I said I'm not HUGE on purely romantic hikakao + i'm not even a hanahaki enjoyer typically (dont hate it, far from it, just not my go-to) but like... i've been rotating and developing this idea in my head so if you wanna hear about it. lmk. Maybe I'll reply in the form of like. A short story. Just to get it out there.

ALSO I USED TO LIKE SONIC.EXE JKSBNBHJ I mean it used to freak me out as a kid but also I liked it.... it's a shitty story (this reading I LOVED as a kid and i still find it hilarious) but man I have so much nostalgia for it. Altho considering the like, everything in Sonic CD I wonder if sonic.exe was even necessary lol

#tamahikakao #;noxiatalks2ya

[aromantic-spinda]

Aspec Basics

With Jaiden's new video, there are a lot of new/baby aspecs just realizing their identity. If you're new to the community, welcome! Some things that this community discusses may be confusing to you since you likely don't know what everything means yet. There's theories, terminology, microlabels, subcultures, and on and on. I feel your pain, I was in your shoes once! So, if you're new to the aspec community on Tumblr, here's some basics I feel you might want to know!

(Put under a cut because this got longer than I expected it to be.)

~

1. Being aromantic and/or asexual is a spectrum.

You know how the definitions for these orientations mention "little to no" attraction? The aro and ace spectrums are meant to include those who have that little bit of attraction, as well as those who have no attraction. For instance, some aromantics or asexuals may feel attraction very rarely, or only under certain conditions. The general term for this spectrum of "little attraction" is grayromantic or graysexual, depending on whether you're talking about being on the aromantic spectrum or the asexual spectrum.

On a related note, the term "aspec" refers to the entirety of both the aromantic and asexual spectrums, which can be referred to by their shorter names, the arospec and the acespec. Those on either spectrum are aspecs, those on the aromantic spectrum are arospecs, and those on the asexual spectrum are acespecs. These words function both as nouns and adjectives.

There are many different words for different places on the aspec, so take your time in learning them and don't expect to understand everything all at once! If you want somewhere to start, try learning more about gray- (graysexual/grayromantic) and demi- (demisexual/demiromantic) orientations.

2. Amatonormativity and allonormativity are often matters of discussion.

Amatonormativity is the social expectation that everyone wants a monogamous, romantic relationship, often coupled with the expectation of sex being a large part of said relationship. You can see amatonormativity in how people expect little kids to have crushes, marriage to be an important part of everyone's life, and more. Aro communities typically talk about amatonormativity more, but it also affects aces and honestly, most everyone else, too.

Allonormativity is related to amatonormativity, and refers to the expectation that everyone is alloromantic and allosexual (that everyone feels romantic attraction and sexual attraction). Sometimes it's also used to refer to the social expectation that people want sexual relationships, as a counterpart to amatonormativity focusing on romance.

3. The Split Attraction Model (SAM) is what we use to describe having different romantic and sexual orientations.

Most people have the same sexual and romantic orientation, which means they're both bisexual and biromantic, heterosexual and heteromantic, etcetera. People who are like this often just use the word for the sexual attraction part of their orientation, i.e. bisexual or heterosexual.

People who aren't like this often use something called the Split Attraction Model (aka the SAM). This model separates sexual and romantic attraction/orientation into two different categories, allowing people to identify the differences in their sexualities. You may be asexual and aromantic, or asexual and biromantic, or bisexual and aromantic, just as a couple examples.

If you use the SAM, you may also consider yourself varioriented, which just means your sexual and romantic attraction don't match up. An aromantic pansexual may consider themselves varioriented, and so too might a panromantic heterosexual be varioriented. However, a pansexual panromantic is not varioriented, even if they use the SAM to describe their sexuality.

There are a couple shorthand terms we use to describe aspecs who use the SAM. Someone who is both aromantic and asexual is aroace, someone who is aromantic and allosexual* is aroallo, and someone who is asexual and alloromantic* is alloace.

*I mentioned earlier in the post what these words mean, but just to make it clear, an allosexual person is someone who is not acespec and experiences full sexual attraction, and an alloromantic person is someone who is not arospec and experiences full romantic attraction.

4. There are many words to describe aspecs' relationships with love, romance, sex, attraction, and relationships.

This section will be more of a speedrun of explaining vocabulary than a talk about the words listed hereafter. All of the words listed here can be used by those who aren't aspec, but are primarily used by those in the aspec community.

Ready? Let's go!

Attraction and relationships:

Queerplatonic: a type of relationship or attraction that doesn't fit perfectly into romantic or platonic boxes (think of it like the nonbinary of attraction/relationships). Usually seen as a platonic partnership that "queers the platonic" by including actions not normally taken in platonic relationships. Queerplatonic attraction can be shortened as QPA, and a queerplatonic relationship can be shortened as QPR. Those who are in a QPR may be called zucchinis or mallowfriends.

Alterous attraction: a form of attraction that describes wanting to be close to someone in a way that is in-between romantic and platonic. May be used as a synonym for QPA, but not always.

Platonic attraction: wanting to be close to someone in a platonic way, such as close friends.

Sensual attraction: wanting to be sensual with someone in ways such as cuddling, hand-holding, or hugging.

Aesthetic attraction: finding someone aesthetically pleasing or attractive, but not necessarily being attracted to them. Used to describe situations where someone likes how another person looks but may or may not feel any other form of attraction towards them.

Aplatonic: experiencing little to no platonic attraction; in rare cases used to describe someone who may not want a QPR. Aplatonic people may not necessarily be friendless or lonely, they just do not feel a strong desire to become friends with others. May be shortened to "apl."

Aplatonic spectrum: the spectrum of experiencing little to no platonic attraction. May be shortened to "aplspec," and is sometimes included under the aspec umbrella.

Romoship: a shortening of "romantic relationship".

Platoship: a shortening of "platonic relationship."

Famiship: a shortening of "familial relationship."

Sex and romance:

Sex favorable/romance favorable: liking sex or romance on a personal level and wanting to partake in it.

Sex averse/romance averse: disliking sex or romance on a personal level and not wanting to partake in it.

Sex indifferent/romance indifferent: not having any strong feelings on sex or romance on a personal level.

Sex repulsed/romance repulsed: being repulsed by sex or romance, often to the point where you may feel ill when the topic is discussed, especially if it's about your personal feelings.

Sex ambivalent/romance ambivalent: to have mixed [personal] feelings on sex or romance, or to not fit into any of the other categories on how you feel about it.

Sex positivity: a philosophical view that views sex as natural and healthy, promoting safe sex and individual choice relating to sex.

Sex neutrality: a philosophical view on sex that is neutral or in-between positivity and negativity. "Sex neutral" is also occasionally used as another term for sex indifference.

Sex negativity: a philosophical view that views sex as dirty and deviant, promoting abstinence and sex only under restrictive conditions.

Love:

Loveless: an identity where you distance yourself from love in some way, or you reject it as not applying to you. Some reasons people have given for identifying as loveless include standing against amatonormativity, reclaiming what was once an insult, or not understanding love.

Lovequeer: an identity where you reject love as it applies to romance and redefine the concept of love around types of non-romantic love.

Lovepunk: a form of punk focused on opposing structural norms related to love.

~

And there you have it! There's my 101 on aspec basics, for all those who are just discovering themselves. I hope this introduction has helped you understand at least some of the posts made in the aspec community.

Other aspecs, feel free to add on about anything else you'd like new aspecs to know! I can't cover everything alone and would love to hear others' opinions on what new aspecs should know.

#aro #aromantic #asexual #ace #acespec #arospec #aroallo #aroace #alloace #aspec

[aceofwhump]

Hi Ace! One of my OCs is a AroAce character- I was wondering if you have any tips on how to write them. As a member of the LGBT community, I don't wanna offend the AroAce community. Thanks! <3

Hi nonny! First of all I love that you're writing an aroace character!!! That's awesome!! There are so few of them in media we need all the rep we can get! You're awesome! And secondly, thank you for asking! This is an excellent question and thank you for being considerate and asking it.

Disclaimer: all aroaces are different and our experiences are all different. These things are just my opinion and are based on my own experiences as an aroace.

I highly encourage any other aroace reading this to chime in with their own thoughts and feelings on the matter because the more voices the better!

Under a readmore for length:

The first thing I wanna talk about is bad representation we currently have in the ace/aro/aroace community and why it is bad and then showing you good representation and why it is good.

Now aroaces hardly have any representation AT ALL so any rep is welcome. Most of the ace/aro rep we do have is either terrible or not even canon confirmed. That said, there are good ways of representing asexuality and aromanticism and there are bad ways.

Bad rep we currently have includes characters like Sheldon Cooper, Sherlock from the BBC series, House M.D., Riverdale's Jughead Jones, and Shadowhunters Raphael Santiago.

These are bad for the following reason:

Sheldon and Sherlock are both implied to be unfeeling, rude, and not human. They are constantly made fun of and are being told they are weird or inhuman simply because they don't have sex or date.

House falls under the "asexuality is a disease that can be cured or fixed" trope. Do not fall into this trope!!! I think House says, and I quote, "the only people who don’t want [sex] are either sick, dead, or lying.” DON'T DO THIS!

Sometimes characters spend the show/movie having their sexuality questioned and then they have sex or date and suddenly they're "normal"! This happened with Sheldon who started dating Amy and they had sex and the show was like "see look at how normal they are now! regular couple! see they wanted to have sex the whole time!" Fuck that.

Shadowhunters was great at making Raphael asexual but they erased his aromanticism and then never mentioned or brought up his sexuality ever again.

Both the creators of Riverdale and BBC Sherlock have said that asexuality is boring to write for. Pisses me off. Now I'm going to be brief about Riverdale here for a moment even though I can spend days ranting about how much this show pisses me off. Jughead Jones is asexual aromantic and Riverdale went "Nah that's boring. We changed it. Now he's neither." I think the quote he said was "“there are fresher ways to tell [the] story.” Don't do this.

I'm adding one more point here. A lot of times the aromantic characters are the evil ones. Implying that aromantics are evil because we "don't feel love". (i mean half of why Voldemort is evil is because he doesn't feel love. thank JKR)

On the flip side, some good ace/aro rep (not necessarily aroace) includes Todd Chavez (ace but not aro), Voodoo from Sirens (ace but not aro), and Jughead Jones (not the god awful Riverdale Jughead. I'm talking about he comics Juggy who is aroace and awesome)

All these characters talk openly about their sexuality, don't "change their minds", are given full and interesting plots, aren't forced into sex or relationships, and don't fall under terrible tropes. They are good characters to look at for good rep. They aren't perfect (none of them are perfect representation) but for the rep we do have these are the best in my opinion.

The other way I wanted to answer this is by talking about a few reminders of things to think about while writing.

Remember that AroAces are:

Capable of feeling love. we are not robots. we feel love and are capable of expressing love. we love our friends, our family, our partners, etc.

Try and avoid the "aromantic/asexual/aroace character is an unfeeling robot or an alien" trope. It implies we're inhuman, incapable of feelings. That's not true at all.

Both asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums. we all experience things differently. Some aces are cool with having sex, some aren't. Some aros are in a relationship or want to be in one, some don't want anything to do with it. We're all different.

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction

Aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction

know and understand the definitions. this is the only "requirement". There are other identities that fall under the Ace and Aro umbrellas and it might benefit you to explores those as well. Like demi and grey asexual/aromantic.

Our reasons for having sex or entering into a romantic relationship can be different from Allo's but that doesn't mean they aren't just as valid.

Speaking for myself, I as an aroace place a higher priority on my friendships and family because of my lack of sexual and romantic attraction.

Okay this got sooo long. I'll end it there.

Take some time and really explore your character. Ask yourself where do they fall in the spectrum of AroAce? How do they feel about sex and romance? Do you plan on saying in text the words "asexual aromantic" or are you leaning towards impying it? If you're going to imply it (which is fine) make sure it's obvious and think about how you're going to show their aroaceness. Familiarize yourself with the definitions of asexuality and aromanticism. They are separate identities even if we just call ourselves aroace. They each come with different things so take some time to look into that.

If you run into any problems and have any questions about asexuality, aromanticism, or what it's like being aroace please come on back and ask! I am happy to talk about whatever in order to help!

#mod replies #mod post #ask #anon #not whump #asexuality #aromantic #aroace #writing aroace characters #writing #writing advice

[aro-culture-is]

hello! i just have some thoughts on stuff you said a couple days ago, feel free to disagree (or not even answer this). i’m super curious how you feel about this! you said 'I wouldn’t say “ suggesting aroace as a label was inherently SAM because it specifies sexual and romantic orientation” so much as explicitly saying so, but yes.' i understand what you mean but i don't know if i totally agree? i would say i primarily identify as aro ace... (1/? this is gonna take ages, my biggest apologies)

and i understand that using both aro and ace is very different than identifying as just one (and like you said, using both inherently subscribes to the sam). but at the same time my experiencing ‘neither sexual nor romantic attraction’ doesn’t feel ‘neither sexual nor romantic’ it is all one thing to me. like i hate framing aspec identities in terms of a ‘lack’ but to fully explain what i’m trying to say: i don’t feel a separate ‘lack’ of romantic and sexual attraction, it is all one ‘lack.' (2)

maybe something to help explain is while i use the term ‘aro ace’ for myself i mostly just refer to myself as aspec? like i like having a term that does not require me to separate out attraction into two different types or align myself with one side of the sam. the fact that i don’t consider myself to fall on the a-spectrum (or, i’m on one end of it) means this isn’t my core identity label (if asked i say my identity is ‘aro ace’ for specificity’s sake) but most of the time i just use aspec. (3)

like in my mind i can kinda envision 3 axes of non-sam identities: ace-only, aro-only, and general lack-of-attraction only?  aroace is what i have because of the sam and it’s the one i use generally but if there were a term that described this third axis that did not use the sam that’s the one i would use (again, aspec does the job here!  and maybe aspec is the answer for me). (4)

and maybe that is not non-sam enough and i’m missing the spirit of adopting a non-sam label!  perhaps the point is one aspect of the sam overriding the importance of the other ‘part’ of the sam label and having a way of specifying a general lack of attraction is too rooted in the ideas of sam for it to truly be a non-sam identity. (5)

also idk where to put this sentence but not to mention that people who might fall under the ‘aro ace’ identity tend to face pushback from people who do subscribe to the sam (usually for just identifying as ace, which is perceived as (and often criticized for) misrepresenting the ace identity/community). (6)

anyway this was all over the place (+ super long) but your post got me thinking about this and i’m super interested in your thoughts! feel free to decide i’m a pretentious asshole and disregard me entirely- i don’t even necessarily think i’m ‘right’, this is just me musing on how non-sam identities interact with the aroace identity. and as a non-sam aro i’m sure you’ve spent tons of time thinking about non-sam stuff so there’s probably lots here that’s missing the mark a bit. anyway thanks!(7/7)

bold line here so people know where my reply is lol

RIP me I typed out a reply and then tumblr suddenly decided me pressing backspace = go back a page. time to retype it all!

i understand that using both aro and ace is very different than identifying as just one (and like you said, using both inherently subscribes to the sam)

yes! I forget if I remembered to include it at the beginning of all this (like, the ask before the one you’re describing? I think? or maybe the one before that?) but I at least intended to include a note that I was excluding this position for simplicity. I didn’t feel comfortable trying to explain what an identity that I only knew of in theory might feel like. I super didn’t want to overstep and try to place y’all without seeing the personal piece.

i can kinda envision 3 axes of non-sam identities: ace-only, aro-only, and general lack-of-attraction only?  aroace is what i have because of the sam and it’s the one i use generally but if there were a term that described this third axis that did not use the sam that’s the one i would use

sounds right to me, overall. admittedly, having a different term than “aromantic” is the only reason I use the phrasing “non-SAM” aro usually, and while other terms exist this one hits better than the others to me and has more of a history. I’d describe more of my emotions on that, but tbh emotions are hard and I’d rather not right now. (and oh can I hear that Therapist “Hmm” noise right now, the one always followed by “and why do you think that is?”)

people who might fall under the ‘aro ace’ identity tend to face pushback from people who do subscribe to the sam (usually for just identifying as ace, which is perceived as (and often criticized for) misrepresenting the ace identity/community)

:/ that’s shitty. when I first joined aspec tumblr, I wouldn’t hesitate to say at all that the two IDs I saw the most rep for was aroaces and non-sam aces, though it was typically just phrased as asexual. this was, perhaps, very late 2012 into early 2013? but in fall of 2014 the exclus attacked and tbh I see more of the aspec community and queer community holding onto some of their takes than I have the energy to deal with. this definitely sounds like one of those holdovers (ie, they attacked for using and not using the SAM because they just didn’t want any aspec people at all; 100% could see the non-SAM attacks sticking more because this was also when I saw the boom of people using the SAM for alloace IDs)

this is just me musing on how non-sam identities interact with the aroace identity.

it’s a pretty solid musing, I can say that at least. I wouldn’t feel comfortable labeling it as a non-SAM ID for everyone who feels like aroace/aspec/no attractoin as a single ID fits them best, but I can definitely see your feelings about being non-SAM feeling similar to mine.

as a non-sam aro i’m sure you’ve spent tons of time thinking about non-sam stuff 

*nervous laughter*

but really though I struggle to describe my feelings so debates or discussions like this are most of my time spent thinking about non-sam stuff. I’m just in the position of being a “well-known” non-sam aro right now, and I try to answer things to the best of my ability. there’s not much of a community to get agreements or disagreements from so... I just do as I’ve always done. I just do my best to be honest with what I know and don’t know, what my thoughts and feelings are, and where I’m coming from. I don’t claim to be an expert in my identity so much as shouting into the void in hopes that the void will shout back.

fyi though that I’m also @just-aro for non-sam aro related things and some of my more general (non-submission) content.

#aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #non sam aro #non sam #long post #Anonymous #text #not aro culture #mod kee