#should i have been better to get

[pierregaslays]

:(

#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it #i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it #like A MONTH #it should not be happening this long after #and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that #but it’s not fair #it’s never gonna be fair #why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this #and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me #and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am #IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!? #i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama #i literally want 2 die #tw death #i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world #did i not love her enough #should i have been better to get #*her #idk i just want her to know i adored her #and i need to hear her voice and get a hug #one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that #tw grief #i am never getting over losing her #please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk . #i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭 #i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Unsolved Mysteries.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan wangji #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #Spoilers: It was Wei Wuxian the whole time! #Once again this one was on the chopping block but I saved it for just a better comic flow. #Admittedly I do have a critique of the pacing here. Namely that we really should have ended the flashback when WWX fell. #And then gone back to present time for a bit - or even go to a different flashback. #The sense of time passing isn't as strong as it *could* be. #We get *told* three months pass and that they've been looking for WWX. But to the audience it's been...15 min. #Less than seven minutes if you count the flute playing. #This guy when through a whole aesthetic and persona shift in less time than it takes to walk through a corn field. #Guy who listened to less than half an emo album and dyed all his clothes black. And jorted all his jeans. #Timeskips can be sudden and work out just fine! I personally feel like this one would be stronger with better pacing. #Feel free to disagree with me! #In case anyone is wondering why JC and LWJ are still holding hands: 1) Haunted house episode. #2) I needed to practice drawing hand holding at some point. Might as well get the rough and sloppy ones out with these two.

[inkskinned]

oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.

oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.

oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.

which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.

but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.

which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.

and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!

and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.

the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!

and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -

what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.

and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.

#i hate when people try to tell me i didn't do it right #what should i have done better #i did it ALL the right way #(not that there is a right way) #it's just that others feel comfortable believing that THEY did it the right way and that's how they made money #whereas i must have just committed a sin somewhere in there! i MUST be doing it wrong!!! #and i'm not a victim!!! im simply experiencing consequences! #and im like. where . where. wherewherewherewhere #i graduated top of my class. i was almost the student speaker. #i have always excelled at work and i work hard #i have been working since i was 13 #WHERE !!!!! IS MY FUCKING !!!! MONEY!!!!!! #ps please do not make the assumption i am ablebodied or neurotypical. #i am neither of these things. #it DOES get worse if u are either of those things. so fuckin much #but @ the one anon who was like ''u could be X that would be worse u don't know how lucky u are'' #.... don't i? #do i need to be luckier than someone else #or is it possible we are BOTH victims? #and that we need to work TOGETHER to resolve it #not just wave it off since it COULD be harder for someone else... it can be true we BOTH deserve better

[rosaadiazs]

i still think that percy should have remembered sally instead of annabeth in son of neptune. don't get me wrong, I like percabeth too and i understand that they had a deep relationship or whatever.

but come on, sally literally put up with gabe for percy, you know the kind of courage that would have required? especially after what she went through previously? she was always the one constant in his life and she should have been acknowledged (grover too should have had a larger role in hoo but that's a whole seperate rant)

look I'm not saying that annabeth isn't important, she is a very big part of percy's life... but sally should have been remembered

#and don't even get me started on that judo flip in moa I could rant about that too #pjo #hoo #son of neptune #sally jackson #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percabeth #grover underwood #scheduled post #rr crit #come on rick you could have done better in EVERYTHING #it's not like the annabeth thing was important to the plot either but sally should have been acknowledged #at least jason remembering thalia makes sense #him remembering annabeth was just a way to remember chb which he could have remembered bc of sally too

[gncrezan]

the established orion-romance dreams have gotten to me. what will my delusional visions reveal to me next <3

#not even sure if this is in character. but i enjoy the idea of orion making aki want to be better :) #infamous if #infamous #akihiro yasumi #orion quinn #my art #the mile long thinkpiece i sent to flor yesterday about their relationship. i think perhaps the next infamous update may break me #long post #i literally . think about that ask. about how he loosens up during the course of his romance. aughghghghahhwAUUAUGHGHGHHH #ALSO re the last comic. 'average lead singer proposes to their bandmates 10000 times per year' statistical error #aki who is really annoying and will get down on one knee for literally any of his band for any reason #is an outlier and should not have been counted. #its funny until the dating rumours about ur band get extremely convoluted

[canisalbus]

I really appriciate how often Machete is depicted struggling and feeling like a burden, while still being loved and supported by Vasco. It gives the top tier angst of "i'm not good enough, I'm not worth it" but you frame it in such a way where it's clear that's just how he *feels* and is not how things really are, but also it's so nice to see someone who struggles quite often in a loving and unique relationship that suits them. The narrative of not being able to love or be loved unless you're consistently healthy is really tiring lol.

.

#ah thank you! I'm so glad these themes come through the way I intended #this touches on something that I've been thinking a lot so sorry if this gets a bit ranty #but I have massive personal beef with the sentiment “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else/someone else can love you ” #I hate it with a passion #I know it's meant to encourage positive growth and I get that self-love and healthy self-image are something you should strive for #but it also sort of sends the message that people who struggle with these sort of issues don't deserve to be loved #not until they reach some external invisible standard of “okay I'm normal and well adjusted now” #“perhaps now I'm worthy of entering a relationship without the danger of dragging the other person down with me” #people who aren't in perfect health mentally or physically already feel like they're inconveniencing others with their mere existence #depriving them of the possibility or even the idea of loving and being loved won't make them better #it's just a stupid idiom it doesn't matter but to me it just comes across as unspeakably cruel way to think #and it rustles my jimmies #answered #anonymous

[grandcovenant]

who's pulling the strings of the puppet king?

#lies of p #lies of p romeo #king of puppets #lies of p geppetto #fanart #digital art #hi hello do you think romeo was fully conscious when geppetto enacted law zero (?through him?). #i think about these two a lot... i don't tend to jump straight to the 'deal with the devil' part because there's something about-- #--two people with nothing in common but the empty space between them. world's worst grief bonding situation!!! #and there's something a lot more compelling about that to me. and that's not even mentioning the grand covenant in the room-- #merits its own post or something else. (because i think about it more than anything ever.) #tl;dr i would kill carlo myself if i got to witness them having the most painfully unpleasant conversation ever had by two people. #anyway i should comment on art process too huh. #the gist of it is if no one got me i know red and black got me. #it's my Old Reliable. i've been nearly gnawing my hands off from. not managing to get anything done in a way i liked so i went back. #i feel better now.... :-) #anyway. worst in-laws ever <3

[stanleyscubrick]

Eric Steinhart, On Nietzsche

#eric steinhart #on nietzsche #been trying to get a better understanding of #philosophy #and things #to make better connections to the references i’ve been #reading in other books #feeling like i should have read this stuff long time ago #oh well #mine #studyblr #studyspo #dark academia #light academia #booklr #writing #chaotic academia #literature #classical academia

[isbergillustration]

Something something becoming a city

#really should continue reading that nk jemisin book so i could make a better pun. i got like 2 chapters in before getting distracted by uni #reading. two years ago. oops. after i finish burning chrome? only got two short stories left in that i think #sketchbook #drawing #colour pencil #coffee #illustration #artists on tumblr #my art #uh. i had a point when i started drawing this. i think it might have been please commission me because being a care worker is exhausting an #i consider quitting ever shift i get that's not a night one #or buy originals #sold a lot of those earlier. not so much since january. idk why.

[moeblob]

What if I straight up didn't explain myself? What if I just said trust me on this? Would you?

#fe warriors three hopes #mercedes von martritz #miklan anschutz gautier #we really only need to clarify this is STRICTLY warriors miklan and i think ive already condemned myself but i accept it #i am very sorry but the person i usually would talk to about rare pairs has been a bit busy so i couldnt go to them to get it out that way #so art is the only way i have you have to understand its not my fault (its my fault) #did you guys know i reset the azure gleam map three times before googling the chapter where he dies to try and save him #no i dont think he deserves to be pardoned for what hes done but i liked that w3h gave him a small chance to be better FOR HIMSELF #no i dont think he should simply be forgiven for everything he did but i do like that he was given humanity and how #he was still not a good guy but damn you guys i think about that npc sometimes #who says that they admired him becoming something despite being a criminal bc if miklan can do it whats stopping them from being better ? #like that npc stuck with me a while ok #just ......... there are a lot of thoughts here that i dont think many of you care to read even in tags so ill stop now #i will say the canvas is saved as speed run to cancellation lesgo

[koipalm]

more akira outfits

#i wanted him to have valentines day skins SOOOO BAD... oh god or a cherry blossom skin. i should draw that #because ATLUS wont facking do it.... tch...... #thats a joke. atlus hire me #my art #akira kurusu #persona 5 #p5 #p5r #kurusu akira #persona 5 royal #i realized that all of my tumblr content of akira was all talk i needed to prove it...m #i really am an akira fan guys i promise. i wouldnt lie about this i am so so serious #ive been getting sick of twitter and tktk anyway better to post these here #where i will actually have fun with it #OK OK. just one more post after this i promise

[scificrows]

i like to make fun of murderbot for being all "i hate everyone, i don't care about anything or anyone, fuck off" while simultaneously caring very much about the people around it and the situations it finds itself in. i love how it "accidentally" ends up caring quite a lot about the friends it makes along the way. but i think something that i tend to forget is that murderbot actively decides to care - at least at some point in its story.

idk, as a person that struggles with depression, this paragraph from artificial condition really resonates with me. prior to all systems red, murderbot had contracts. it had routine and it had protocols. it knew what it had to do to just get by, how to perform so no one would notice it had disabled its governor module. it was deeply depressed, yes, but it was functioning (for lack of a better word). in artificial condition, murderbot's routine is gone. it cannot go on in that state of numbly going-from-contract-to-contract, putting in as little effort as possible, consuming media to cope. that option is gone because it escaped (and note that escaping the company was not an active choice, it kinda happened to it). murderbot has two options now: it can either gather all its energy; actively do something new and difficult and distressing; change something in its life and try. or it can let the numbness and the emptiness take over and stop trying. if murderbot wants to survive as a rogue secunit, it has to try. no matter how difficult that is. the wording in that paragraph really hits home for me. the way the non-caring sees an opportunity to slip in and to take over. does murderbot even care? does anything really matter? is anything really worth the hassle? wouldn't it be so much easier to just let your mind slip away a little, to go numb, to be passive, to watch media and wait for things to happen to you? wouldn't it be nice to stop thinking and struggling and feeling complicated things? to stop making an effort? you've been dealing with a lot lately and maybe it's time to just shut down. maybe you'll just take a little break. just slip deeper into this chair and start the show. time flies when you're not paying attention. trying is exhausting. who cares if you don't do the things you wanted to do, you were supposed to do. it'll be fine. let's just ignore those things for now. just let the non-caring take over. just stop thinking. you can deal with the aftermath later. just watch your shows. who cares. but murderbot cares. it decides to care. it decides to fight with all it has and i think that is so brave. and i think in the later books caring is less of an active decision for murderbot. once you start caring, it's easier to keep going than to stop; and murderbot, for all its "i'm a grumpy rogue secunit, leave me alone" behavior, knows just how important caring is. so it's not that it doesn't know what's happening; rather, it lets itself care. tl;dr: caring is not the default for murderbot, it's just the more difficult of two options. and it decides not to take the soft option. it decides to struggle. it decides to care. and so it does.

#sorry i'm rambling i'm a little depressed rn (hah) and i've been thinking about murderbot again #at least writing this got me out of the adhd/depression paralysis :) yeah this might be self-indulgent so what #the murderbot diaries #murderbot #𓄿 #i just love martha wells' writing for things like that #and i love murderbot as a character so very much #also i'm pretty sure some of this could be read in a way i did not intend #i'm not trying to say that depressed people have the option to just not be depressed #or that it's as easy as going “okay well i can either care or not care... i guess i should care! done!” #listen i know it's not like that; i know that first hand #but murderbot had just enough energy and fight in it to try and it had people in its life that cared about it and helped it #and it managed to get out of that deep dark hole #and we see it struggling with trauma etc in the later books #things are not magically better #just yeah #okay imma add #tw depression #tw suicide #(this is not about suicide though; this is about sitting on the couch while the dishes and the laundry pile up #and watching netflix because getting up and taking care of yourself and calling a friend or going outside are too difficult) #(but i can see how this might hit a little close to home if that is something someone's struggling with&better safe than sorry) #also sending lots of love to everyone who this resonates with

[kenmaiii]

after two years i finally draw the favorite

#my art #still learning honestly. idk how to explain it but some medias youre so fixated on and obsessed with u instantly want to draw everyone #for me dunmeshi has always been the opposite. series and characters i enjoy sm i cannot bring myself to pick up a pencil #for some reason. it got a lot worse once the anime started airing idk. simply forcing myself to get some of my energy out. in a way #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi #thistle #dunmeshi thistle #thistle dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #>_< series i was into since late 2021. yet u wouldnt know that unless u follow my side twitter account. sowwy ig #i do this with a lot of franchises honestly. cannot bring myself to draw even if i think abt the characters constantly. ie skip to loafer #u will nvr catch me calling this guy sissel sorry. save that name for Mr. Ghost Trick. another thing i. also. dnt talk abt. which i adore #i need to get better at talking abt and expressing myself for the things that i enjoy. ive been wanting to draw laios for a good #while too but im scared. for some reason. u-u should nvr let a white man do that to me honestly. #for now i'll thistle tho. maybe we will get kabru namari or mithrun next from me >_< i have to talk myself into it #i think the closest way i can explain why i cannot bring myself to draw for some series is that i dnt want to mess up somehow #like 'ilu so much [character] what if i cnt draw u the way u deserve even tho i love u sm what if its not enough.' <- leaves it to sm1 else #tbh [scratches head] i prefer the version with less coloring ^-^ but i realize the one thats more colored would get more eyes on it... hm

[inkskinned]

hey it's nanowrimo. i have tips bc i've done it about 34 times.

Don't edit. Ever. Stop it. If you just decide to start a new project half thru this one with all new characters, no problem. pick up and keep writing as if you'd already written the first half of that.

"but i spelled it wrong" whatever. "but the grammar" whatever. make it exist first. no time for sense. think like you're working on a typewriter. no backspace. only forward go.

Don't re-read further than a paragraph or two backwards. "did i mention the gun before?" listen - it doesn't matter. if you need there to be a gun there, the gun is there. put it back in once you finish the book.

"i forgot the specifics of X thing i already wrote" whatever. change it, make a note/comment to figure it out later, and just write what makes sense for the moment. "no raquel it's legit the characters name and origin" idc that character is now reborn as Claudius from Elsewhere. it's fine.

only you see your mistakes. nobody else knows. one of the ways writing and dance overlap - only you know the choreography. nobody else will know if you miss a step, so just keep dancing and pretend you meant to do it like that.

it's an illusion that you need to write linearly - from point A to point B to point C. Nah; that's just timeline propaganda. I've written a LOT of books out of order and just reordered them once i've finished. if you have a scene you'd LOVE to write but can't get there yet because of plot, just fuckin write the scene. I've always found its easier to establish "point F" "point J" and "Point A" and then wiggle my way between those scenes.

write what you WANT to write. 230 pages of smut? of well-researched discussion on bread? whatever. the point is to strengthen muscles however you can.

if you miss a day, a week, whatever. not the end of the world. we all have dry days. also time is a myth so u can do this challenge whenever u want.

as soon as you try to write for a specific audience, you kill your voice. you are writing for yourself. stop thinking about how people will take ur book. it don't matter. what matter is u, enjoying writing. i luv u.

play to your strengths. i have characters talk so much because i don't know how to write a plot if it kills me but i'm really good at dialogue so.

i love a flight of fancy. write a poem in there. shift tactics and write in code. keep it fun for yourself.

see what happens if you shift something major about ur main characters - gender, wealth, superpowers. or if you change point-of-view. or if you kill everyone in a big explosion. do NOT edit anything before this or after it. often these little weird one-off exercises teach me what interests me about what i'm working on. it is never what i thought. plus it is a fun way to add like 1k words.

stretch.

it's for fun and for practice. stop doing that project if it's giving you anxiety. once my nano was literally 50k words of half-started stories. just things i tried and tried and tried and wasn't able to flesh out. oops. but i am now 50k words of a better writer.

add dragons?

read books/listen to books on tape/etc. people often make the mistake of "buckling down" to just write. you need inspiration. you need to like. fill up on words. you need to remember how it feels to lose yourself in a story.

i don't have the time or space to really talk about this in this post but a lot of creative people turn to drugs/alcohol because it can help you be more creative. this is harmful, and walking a blade that only cuts deep. if you notice you and your loved ones are turning more to substances, please know i love you and i hope you are able to get help soon. i feel like this almost never gets mentioned because it's kind of a hazy underbelly to art. you are always more important than the work.

on that note. drink your fukin. water.

don't talk about a story until you've finished it. once you tell the story, it exists already, and isn't about discovery. i usually have a very canned "haha we'll see" response.

grapes :) tasty snack.

i love you be free.

#edit: the command not to talk about it is from personal experience! #i have heard Otherwise in the tags so i will edit to say: #if you've noticed that you tend to like Talk A Lot about ur piece but never WRITE it - #consider voice-to-text #also #u might be like me and ... need to figure it out on the PAGE and not OUT LOUD #i am often an auditory processor so i wont tell people specifics but i'll be like #huh. so i have a character who is in love .... and they don't know it #and my friend will be like ''oh they should kiss' and meanwhile #somehow #saying it out loud im like #yeah thank u ur right the dress SHOULD be purple that's what the problem has been <3 #idk!!! it's up to you!!! my suggestion is to say LESS until you know for a FACT that saying MORE works better for you #-- always better to slowly unspool in ur exploration of that #than to accidentally talk too much and get Bored Of Project #idk idk idk #i have adhd so every book surprises me bc im like #wait where did any of this even COME FROM #and whatever little gremlin in my brain that writes is like :) #''heyyy girlie.......'' #WHICH IS A LONG WAY TO SAY: #i didn't know about Not Talking About It as an option until i'd ruined a few projects!! #but there are people who need to do the other thing!!! and i love us both!!!! #wow brains are so funny!!!!

[rynpie]

#twst #idia shroud #ive been on and off drawing this for months #for the longest time i couldnt get the face and body right #but now it looks ok enough #all i wanted to do was draw his hair orz #slowly getting better at drawing him #probably should have simplified his hair more but its also more fun this way

[ifindus]

Happy Birthday to Norway!!

- be me - announce my return after travelling and being sick for two weeks - only post two drawings - become obsessed with a game and not post for another week - become sick again - miss the national day celebrations - just well enough to draw a pic for Norway celebrations - :(((

#hetalia #aph norway #hws norway #gratulerer med dagen!!! #17.05 #syttende mai #and ofc Norway needs to be in a trønderbunad ✌️ mandatory regional bunad check #Norway should always be in a red knitted hat #lol annoucing second return?? #jk I do have some things planned and more asks to answer #and I haven't been away for too long this time?? #just need to get better now #and not die from the heat outside #alsoooo travelling for a job interview next week 👀 very excited