#she’s been to the vet over this issue and it’s not a medical thing

[lesbiansanemi]

I am so…. SO tired of my cat peeing everywhere

#and before ANYONE tries any suggestions #yes I try and clean litter box once day but AT LEAST every two days #and I completely switch the litter once a week #I’ve tried different litter. I have more than one litter box. I’ve tried putting it in different places #we’ve tried pheromone collars and sprays and deterrents #we’ve tried herbs cats dont like #she’s been to the vet over this issue and it’s not a medical thing #we literally cannot leave ANYTHING in the main apartment (she is not allowed in bedrooms BECAUSE of this issue) because she will PISS ON IT #we’ve had to put ANTI CAT SPIKES on our couches so she stops pissing on them #but now that we’ve removed literally everything and everywhere for her to piss #does she do it in the litter box? #NO!!! SHES JUST PISSING IN THE FLOOR NOW!!!!! #which honestly is five billion times easier to clean than when she pissed on the couch or shoes or anything like that #but godDAMN #PLEASE #JUST PISS IN THE FUCKING LITTER BOX I AM GODDAMN BEGGING YOU #ITS BEEN THREE YEARS OF THIS SHIT AND I AM TIRED #I AM TIRED OF MY MORNING ROUTINE CONSISTING OF SCRUBBING CAT PISS OFF THE FLOOR #kaz rambles

[kaijutegu]

So. Now that she's home and safe and gonna be ok, I can talk about this.

I almost lost Kaiju. Christmas Day. I was woken up by a phone call from Allison, who will be referred to a LOT in this story. Allison runs the pet store where I board Kaiju. She called to tell me that Kaiju had lost a LOT of blood. (As it turns out, half her blood volume. Humans die when we lose 40%, just so you know. She lost 50%.)

There were no visible injuries, and she had passed a bloody stool. Or rather, a blood clot with some poop in it. She continued to pass only blood when they put her in the bathtub to clean her up. If I'd taken her anywhere else, that... would have been it, probably.

But Allison is an actual miracle worker and knew an emergency vet who was open- on Christmas Day- and could see reptiles. As soon as she called me, she took her to the e vet, where they gave her fluids and oxygen and got her stable. They did some x rays and found... nothing.

In fact, the e vet actually complimented me on her bone density and how nice her toe joints look. Whatever this mysterious haemorrhage was, it was in the soft tissue.

The immediate thoughts were:

Impaction

Cancer invading an artery

Aneurism

Reproductive issues

However, the emergency vet couldn't figure it out, and my vet was out of the country. The e vet consulted with a lot of vets and it was decided she'd go into Chicago Exotics for care the next day- they were willing to see her on immediate notice. Allison drove her over and they did an ultrasound... and couldn't differentiate the mass they found.

So, exploratory surgery it was.

But... she didn't have enough blood for that. She wouldn't have survived... if Allison hadn't found blood for her. Tegu donors were found, the transfusion happened, and was completely successful.

And what the surgery found was completely unexpected. No cancer. No repro issues. No typical impaction.

Instead? Weird white things in her muscles and a partial impaction that seems to be related to a reduction in her ability to properly digest. There are two possible diagnoses at this point. One is visceral gout. This is very strange because in reptiles, articular gout basically always happens first, and her kidneys are fine.

The other option? Weird, potentially cross species parasite she picked up when she was in the Everglades. Something she's likely had all her life, something that was dormant until recently.

I'll know when the pathology report comes back in a week or so.

Anyways! She is doing very well. She is alert and interested in things. She has an incredible appetite, even though she can't have solid food yet. She's on three meds, including one I have to inject. At her three week recheck, we will add a fourth- either the correct anti-parasitic or a medication to improve kidney function, depending on the diagnosis. Currently she's in a hospital cage and she hates it- she can't have any substrate because of the stitches.

The vet says it should take about three months until she makes her full blood volume. Her pack cell count should be at 35%. It was at 7% on the 26th. But by the 28th, it was at 10%. She's gonna be ok. She's tough. My little girl is a fighter, always has been. You have to be scrappy to survive in the wild.

And throughout this entire experience, everybody has told me how lovely her personality is. Through the injections and cloacal probing and everything, she never bit or even tried to. The vet didn't think she even wanted to bite. Like it wasn't a question of wanting to bite and not being strong enough- it's just not something in her behavioural repertoire. She doesn't bite because she doesn't want to. Because even at her most scared, at her most painful, she's still Kaiju, the best tegu to ever live. Love is stored in the tegu, and it continues to be stored in the tegu. We have a long road ahead of us, but she's out of the woods and is going to be ok. We both are.

Also, consider this a MAJOR plug for Curious Creatures in Chicago. I'm never going to board my animals anywhere else.

#reptile #lizard #tegu #kaiju #reptiblr

[prophet-rebellion]

Jolene's Emergency Vet Visit

Description posted from GoFundMe Campaign:

So for those of you who gave followed me (and maybe seen the update) you'll know Salem has been missing for almost 6 months.

She was my ESA, and given my declining mental health, I didn't have much choice but to get a new ESA.

Enter miss Jolene Macchiato L. Whom I adopted almost two months ago and have whole heartedly decided to keep after realizing just how well we mesh.

You may also know I've been in the hospital the last few days - staying with my roommate who was admitted. I've been coming home to feed the cats and (unsuccessfully) treat them for ear mites. My new roommate was dog sitting and he brought fleas and ear mites into our home.

During this time, Jolene went to the bathroom on my bed multiple times. I at first chalked it up to stress and was told to keep an eye on here. Less than a day of being back from the hospital and her stool is light in color, runny, and most terrifyingly, has blood in it.

This is no longer an issue of stress, but could be a major intestinal/stomach problem when mixed with her inability to wait and use her litterbox. On top of that, she was running around like she was in pain, or something was wrong prior to going.

My second job is not a sure thing yet - it has been more than two weeks since the company reached out to me - and I have been looking for more. The money I thought I won was more a scam to get me down to the car dealership (which by the way, I hated as is because of the older man behaving increasingly grossly and inappropriate towards me).

My funding for Salem has stopped at this point - I have done every physical thing I can to find and bring her home. And now I need to focus on the new feline in my care.

I am taking Jolene to the vet tomorrow and using my new credit card - but there are limited funds and paying it back is my current concern when I have payments taking up to the 1,000s combined due these next two months.

I am setting it to $550 for now (because they take a portion), but the price my change depending on what the vet says and what is wrong.

I know she still need to get treated for ear mites ($300 on it's own) because the current medications I've been using are not working."

This is my fundraiser.

Additional pictures of her adoption papers added on here as well proving when I got her. JOLENE IS A REGISTERED ESA NOW.

Jolene as far as I have been told is two years old, though she is very small for her age. She is a sweet heart though she was likely on the streets for a most of not all her life before she was taken to the shelter and I adopted her a month later.

She is a sweet cat that just wants to check and make sure that you're okay. She'll cuddle. She doesn't meow but she does trill and sound like yoshi.

She just wants to make friends with everyone. And if you're not petting her enough then the grabs your hand and brings it right to her face as she stands on her back legs.

This is the last fundraiser I'm making. Ask anyone I know in real life and they'll tell you just how much I despise asking for help. I want to be able to do things on my own. But until I get one bite from the hundreds (literally) of jobs I've applied to as a secondary then I'm at a loss. I can't afford to wait and save up for this vet Visit - not when her health is on the line.

I can post a picture of her at the vets office tomorrow as well to confirm, along with the update of what they set.

GoFundMe

PayPal

Venmo

Currently $750/$750

UPDATE - 08.02.2023

UNDER THE CUT

We went to the vet today.

TL:DR - she is on medications for the next two weeks, roughly. She did very good at the vet and was very brave. $500 was close, it will come out to be roughly $700 all together after ear mite treatment; we are holding off for now until the other cat in the house can be treated or they will just jump between them, which gives some more time to get there funds. But the over the counter medications are not strong enough to fight the infestation, and depending on severity, it could lead to long term health problems.

So I changed it from $550 -> $750 (again, because they take a processing fee). I also added in there roughly $200 that had been sent from PayPal and Venmo to give a more accurate show off current raised funds.

Below are screenshots of the update explaining more, along with pictures of Jolene at the vet today.

(Straight up, I almost cried because in the right two months that I have had her this was the first time she had crawled into my lap to lay down and cuddle with me.)

#my post #gofundme #cat #emergency #emergency vet visit #sick cat #esa

[aloy-sobek]

Vet Bills and a Sick Kitty Boy

Hello all, over the past month and a half I have incurred some medical bills for my cat Alistair, that while one bill hurts but isn't world ending. Multiple have put us in a bind.

Our Total: $430/$1176.86

My Paypal: tielfingriley or paypal.me/tieflingriley

The Story:

So my sweet yet very hungry boy Alistair, had been having stomach troubles. He's 12 years old, so not uncommon for a cat his age, and he has always had a bit of a sensitive tum, but this was different. He was projectile vomiting mostly water, and I had noticed he was loosing weight. He is a long cat, and his healthy weight sits at 15-16 pounds.

So we take him to the vet and the do a initial blood panel with a special panel to check a for a heart protein, it is here that I learn my asthmatic cat also has a heart murmur! But because of the special check it had to be sent to THE ONLY LAB IN THE US THAT CHECKS FOR IT, which meant it was pricey

Good news, blood came back fine. His heart and kidneys weren't failing but he was still vomiting water at this time. At this point we were moved to a different vet who noted his long term tum issues. Informing me that long term inflammation can lead to Gastrol Intestinal Cancer. (Maybe) They only DEFINITIVE way of checking was to slice him open and do biopsies, which wasn't ideal. Instead we opted for an Ultrasound, it would check for inflammation, which would say absolutely yes or no on inflammation, but would still be a maybe on the cancer (however its the same treatment either way). But could also check Liver, Pancreas, and Gallbladder. I of course chose this because it was far less invasive to the boy. Alistair did need to be sedated. He isn't a violent cat, but he is a squirmy noodle.

This is when things got really spicy for us financially. You see this happened RIGHT before my birthday. Like legit I found out my cat had maybe cancer the day before. And my husband a few weeks prior had bought me a rather nice gift of storage drawers? IDK what you would call it but furniture for my art supplies to be stored in. It was a bit pricey but I was having a rough time and a history of astronomically shitty birthdays. (As you can see, the universe has a sense of humor)

So the Ultrasound came back. Yes there are signs of inflammations, so cancer is still a maybe. However, what had the doctors eyes and was concerning her more was the pancreas. It was, extended and incorrect. She believed that it wasn't producing a enzyme to help break down food, particularly fat, for absorption. Essentially, on top of the inflammation, Alistair was slowly starving to death. However before just popping some pig panceas pills inside my boy, she wants to make sure. So more blood work, TO THE ONLY LAB IN THE US OF COURSE, an another bill.

Now we are waiting on this information. He is on some pro and prebiotics that have stopped the vomiting entirely. However his weight is still quite thin. I am unsure if we will have more hefty bills. For reference a checkup at this vet is 50 bucks. So normally its not to rough on us, and check up plus vaccines is 100 which is a planned event. None of this was planned to say the least.

AND NOW THE SAPPY SHIT

Alistair saved my life. I know logically getting a cat as a means to not kill yourself isn't the best thing to do, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Ive had him since September of 2012. I love that fluffy biscuit stealing bastard with my entire heart. I have a tattoo on him on my arm, my first and currently only tattoo. Because of him, I was able to live a longer and healthier life and I want that for him.

Despite being a cat, he loves biscuits, potato chips, and the tops of muffins but only the tops. He can and will open cookie jars for cookies. I have explained he is an obligate carnivore and he has explained like a good southern he cant turn down a carb.

He will fist fight you for cheese. Love to play fetch with a hair tie. Isn't a lap cat with the exception of me. LOVES NAPS, and likes to watch Markiplier.

He's a very good boy with separation anxiety, and tummy issues who just wants to nap and eat and I think we can all relate.

Oh...and he has a little mustache

Thank you to all who donate and to everyone who spreads the word to help us get out of this debt.

#Fundraising #gofundme #Donate if you can #But absolutely reblog #Thank you so much #Alistair the cat #Cat

[homeofhousechickens]

If you are okay with it can you give me some advice about a sick chicken and if I should go for treatment or to euthanise? I've been having a very rough time lately and am having a harder time making a rational decision than normal.

First off, I already have an appointment next Tuesday with a vet that is trained in treating birds. It's either going to be euthanise then and there or get medication of some sort.

The chicken in question (almost 9 years old) currently has an ear infection. I can see gunk in her ear. Which is treatable I know that. She is easy to handle and I have the means to help her. However, she is sick every few months for the last three years. It keeps coming back and if it's not the ears it's something else. Every time I treat her she makes a seemingly full recovery but a couple of moths later she has something else going on.

Thing is, she is still the boss over the other chickens. She is alert, wants attention, eats, drinks etc. She is off balance because of the ear infection but otherwise very lively. Normally I'd treat a chicken like this but given her history and overal condition I'm having doubts if I should continue to fix these things. It seems like it keeps coming back and each time the recovery becomes longer. The other chickens never have any issues. I'd had some very expensive lab tests done both for my soil etc and the chicken herself and nothing strange was found. Money is not the main issue but she has cost me over 1200 euro in the last three years.

I'm willing to try with her but I'm starting to feel like maybe I should let her go while she is not suffering besides what is currently ailing her. What are your thoughts one this?

She is geriatric for most large fowl chickens and if she has been having problems it's likely she will continue to have issues. It may be kinder to put her down especially since chicken medical care is quite expensive and if it's just focusing on the health of one bird that can negatively impact the other birds if they get sick since there will be less funds and time/attention to care for them. One of my regrets with Scoot as he got worse due to his cancer is I wish we put him down sooner because he was suffering at the end despite good medical care. If she is a dear pet then yeah maybe it would be alright to keep trying but it wouldn't be bad to put her down earlier rather than later.

#animal death

[shepherdnerd]

I haven’t been sharing much online lately because May was a really sad month for my family. We had to say goodbye to our 10 year old golden retriever, Hockley, who was Tristan’s best friend. Hockley seemed to be in excellent health and was quite active and youthful for his age up until the beginning of May when he suddenly collapsed on a walk with my mom. We rushed him to the emergency vet and they discovered a heart tumor. The vet cardiologist put him on some medication that soon had him bouncing around like his old self again, and we were grateful to have a couple more weeks with Hockley at home before his heart failed. His last couple weeks were busy with all his many friends and family and neighbours visiting him and showering him with his favourite things. We all miss him so much.

On dogblr we’ve had such a terrible time recently losing so many beloved dogs. My heart goes out to all of you and it has been a sort of comfort to see everyone supporting each other through everything. I’m grateful for this community where everyone is so understanding.

Now that I’ve had some time to process everything I think I will try to come back on Tumblr and Instagram more, but first I want to make this post to remember Hockley. I don’t post about him a lot because when we got him in 2012, he pretty quickly chose to be my mom’s dog and he followed he everywhere and was very sad if he had to go anywhere without her. This worked out fine because my mom stays at home anyway so the two of them were constant companions. Hockley was a pretty perfect family dog who loved everybody. Even when he was sick, he thought it was exciting that he kept getting to go to the vet and get attention from all the staff there. Hockley and Tristan both don’t like spending time with other dogs very much, but as Tristan grew up, the two of them became very good friends. I loved that the two of them could have intense play fights and I never had to worry about any issues between them, as they communicated so well. Hockley was also incredibly patient with children and spent the last years providing emotional support for our neighbour’s kids who were struggling while being out of school during COVID. It was truly amazing that even more than the professionals who tried to help the kids, Hockley could cheer and calm them by patiently sitting with them them or letting them show off his large repertoire of tricks. He knew how to roll over, play dead, retrieve almost anything you wanted, do beautiful heeling, and he could even do a handstand on the wall. Taking him to training class when he was younger introduced me to some amazing trainers who helped me begin my dog training career. However, he was one of those great family dogs who doesn’t really need much training as he spent his time mostly lying at my mom’s feet and enjoying bits of steak and cheese when she was cooking. He loved to go to the grocery store down the street with her and he would help her by carrying a cucumber or a bar of cheese in his mouth all the way home, which always got so much attention from people passing by. The only time Hockley caused trouble was when we took him to visit my grandparents and he would get so excited to ride in the car and see them. We are very grateful that we were able to take him to say goodbye to them and all the friends he made before the end. He was the most sweet and loving dog and our home is empty without him. 

#hockley #golden retriever #animal death

[halliewriteshockey]

Update on my life, because it’s been awhile

I pulled back a lot since last year because of everything that happened with that person who’s still convinced I stole her name. She hasn’t come after me in a while, so I’m gonna get a little vulnerable.

2022 was a really bad year. Really bad. I had two surgeries and four hospitalizations, and my 18 year old was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which explains a lot of the meltdowns and spirals and crashes. After two years of him being in and out of the hospital, with the bills to show for them, and the PTSD for all four of us living with him, my sister in Texas offered to let him come live with her.

It’s been a difficult adjustment period but he’s doing better and it’s undeniably financially and emotionally easier without him here. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen soon enough for us to make it out of the hole and I owe $3000 in rent from March and April. On top of that, I got a new manager who doesn’t like me and has been trying to fire me since January, so the stress of that, along with finances and my son’s issues have made it impossible to write.

In December, I applied for a job that would solve the worst of our financial issues. I got all the way through the incredibly intensive vetting process, including a background check, polygraph, and psych eval, only to be told last week that they were “proceeding with other applicants”.

I’m honestly expecting to get an eviction notice any day now. I’ve applied for help everywhere I can, I’ve looked into every option out there to help with things, but the worst part is I technically make too much to qualify for assistance with most programs, even though every penny is going to rent and living expenses and medical bills with nothing left over.

So that’s the bad news. And it’s really bad. Getting denied for that job after four months of jumping through the hoops they demanded of me was devastating. But I’m not giving up. I have an interview next week with a hockey team and I’m applying to others in the meantime. I will find a job where I’m happy, fulfilled, and making ends meet.

I’m also writing Simon’s book, finally. Finding traction has been really difficult but I’m getting better at shutting everything else from my mind and just getting words on the page. I’m hopeful it’ll be done soon; I know a lot of people are waiting for it and I really appreciate your patience and understanding.

I’ve been trying to be more active here, too. I miss you guys and the relationships I had here and I want that back. So I’m here, and I’m still alive, and if I go down I’ll go down swinging. I’m not done yet. ❤️

#Michaela gets personal #really personal sorry 😬

[toopunktofuck]

i have trouble telling when i shud euthanize a cat? Like sometimes u dont gotta but ik ive read abt indigenous practices of domesticated animal euthanization of dogs so its nothing new, but if my cat gets lets say, kidney failure, i shud prly get him euthanized right? Hes 8 so this is still prly like 10 years away from now. But yeah ig if he cant eat either. But idk animals prly have different relationship to suffering than we do. Perhaps dont conceptualize it the same. they cling to life more dearly but also can take suicidal actions of risk. Animals are so daring and cool. Life is insane

So you said ignore this ask bc you were high as hell but I think it’s actually a really good question - something I didn’t know the answer to when my own geriatric cat had blood work that indicated she might have renal disease (UTIs in cats can ping the same things on diagnostics). I straight flipped out but my boss at my old petsmart job who also worked part time at a clinic explained to me that their own clinic cat had renal disease and had been living a good quality of life for years! With the right medication, cats can have their kidney disease progression largely slowed down to the extent that they die of something else years later. It’s kind of like the effect that leads them to not treat cancer in elderly human beings in some cases. It’s also not super expensive iirc, I just don’t know for sure because I haven’t had to deal w the situation. I’m the person who has to give a cat in boarding their fluids at my current job if they have renal disease and I’ve seen quite a few cats on fluids who were as old as 17 who had a good quality of life.

I am personally of the opinion that cats can have a good quality of life with renal disease or diabetes. Cats’ quality of life is in my opinion more threatened by the acute rather than the chronic situations.

It is also perfectly OK to make an appointment with your vet to go over a cat’s quality of life - in my experience we LOVE that, because there are a lot of people who really feel like they shouldn’t play god. This is absolutely a thing that is done and to me it’s actually appropriate to ask QOL questions with every new issue. I am also just extremely neurotic tho and I was already that level of neurotic before I worked in a clinic. But if you’re someone who is okay with euthanasia, don’t be afraid to ask the vet questions about quality of life.

Thank you for caring about your cat so much 💕 I’m also gonna have to look into indigenous methods of euthanizing animals because that’s genuinely extremely interesting and I’d love to chat about it with the vets at work lol that sounds morbid but I’m in the business of trying to get people to understand when love won’t save their animal and the argument that we didn’t “used to” euthanize in these situations is VERY common.

[dudewotheck]

hi 👋 i wouldn’t normally do this but its about my cat, and i’d do anything for her. if you have a minute to read, please do. this is about affording vet services for her.

quick summary of why i’m in this situation: at the beginning of the year i got really sick with something we still haven’t figured out, to the point where i couldn’t eat and lost a dangerous amount of weight in a short amount of time, and caused me to not be able to work. i have gotten to the point now where i can work again part time, but my job is kinda fucking me over and my finances are terrible right now. i’m in such a hole. i’ve been managing, but now my senior cat is experiencing heart issues and fluid build up, and the procedure she needs i simply don’t have the money for.

this is her (last one was her visit to the vet today, as u can she was not happy abt it) and i love her to death, she is THE sweetest thing and ALL i want is to make sure she gets whatever she needs and make her comfortable. she’s my baby and i’ll honestly put her needs in front of mine. This is estimate they gave me for what she would need done, around $400 (depending on if she needs medications)

that being said, anything would be graciously appreciated, even if it’s just a boost and reblog. thank you for reading.

paypal: @kcgomez42

venmo: @kcgomez42

#i love her so much #this is actually a cry for help #the last 6 months have just been a disaster #boost #crowdfunding #i dont know what to tag this #financial help #funding #paypal #venmo #financial assistance #cats #signal boost #help request

[michelleleewise]

Lost and Found

Paring: Loki x reader

Warnings: mentions of illness, self esteem issues, mentions of birth control, mentions of arranged marriage.

Summary: you try to figure things out as life gets complicated.

Part 13-

========================≈===========

Earth-

A month had gone by and your stomach hadn't eased, the nausea still hitting at random times. So you decided it was time to see the doctor. As you say in the waiting room, your nerves were a mess. The last time you were here you had Loki with you. You teared up remembering the day you decided to take care of him, be there for him, and now you had no one to be there for you.

Your name was called and they showed you to a room. You sat alone in silence. Thoughts whirling in your head when you heard a knock on the door. "Come in" you said straightening up. "Morning y/n, whay brings you in today?" Dr Laing asked sitting down. "Well I'm still feeling nauseous, and getting sick alot. I've been exhausted lately and I don't know why." You said. He looked over your chart and hummed. "Have you been under any stress lately?" He asked flipping through the pages. "Yes, a bit. Trying to keep the farm going has been hard." You said looking down. "Any medications your taking?" He asked standing and walking to you. "Um, not really. Just over the counter pain killers and my birth control." You said seeing him nod. "OK we'll run a few tests and see what's going on." He smiled setting his clipboard down.

An hour later you were back in the room waiting for the doctor. You couldn't help fidget either your hands as you waited. A knock came as the doctor came in. "Well y/n, we got your results back." He sat looking at his clipboard "turns out your expecting." Your eyes went wide as your jaw dropped. "H..how......I've been taking my medication for years." You said looking at him. "Well that's not always totally effective, and if you missed a couple doses..." he trailed off looking at you. Had you missed some, it was possible.

He handed you a prescription for vitamins "I want you to go pick those up and start taking them, vet plenty of rest, don't exert yourself." He said placing his hand on your shoulder. You looked down and nodded. "We'll get you set up with ongoing appointments to make sure you and baby are healthy, and if you need anything call ok." He said stepping back. "OK, Thank you." You said sliding off the table heading to the receptionist. You drove home in a daze. You sat at the table looking at the bottle of vitamins. "How am I going to do this?" You thought to yourself as you layed your head on the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Asgard-

"What is it Heimdall?" Frigga asked walking into the bifrost. "You had asked me to keep an eye on the mortal, and there is news." He said looking at her. "Is she OK? What happened?" She asked stepping closer. "She is with child my lady. Loki's child." He said. Frigga froze "I didn't think that was possible. Are you certain it is Loki's?" She asked stepping closer. "Yes my lady, I am certain." He said looking at her. I must inform Loki at once." She said. "He is om Jotunhiem my lady, the king has ordered no one to go there until the alliance is complete." Heimdall said. Frigga thought for a moment. "Then we shall bring him here, I'll find a way." She said as she left.

Frigga walked into the throne room "my king, any progress on the alliance with Jotunhiem?" She asked looking to Thor. "Indeed, I was about to send for king Loki to finalize it." Thor said standing. "That is wonderful news my king, what else must be done?" Frigga asked walking with Thor towards the bifrost. "The arrangements have all been made, I shall return the casket to them, and Loki is to marry." He said continuing to the bridge. "Marry? Marry who?" She asked stunned. "Asgard has no princess, so it will be a noble woman of my choosing. Once he is married the casket will be returned, cementing the alliance." He said

"Are you sure that is wise my king? Loki has only ruled a short time, why not let him settle into his role before he marries." Frigga said as they entered the bifrost "Heimdall, open the bifrost to Jotunhiem and summon king Loki." Thor said. Heimdall looked to frigga who shook her head. "Yes my king" he said twisting the sword activating the bifrost. "Jotunhiem needs a queen and an heir to secure Loki's rule. It shall be done." Thor said. "Yes my king." She said looking at the entrance as Loki walked through. She hadn't seen him in his true form since he was an infant. He stood tall, clothed in white and gold leathers, a white cloak with fur lined the top, and a blue horned crown on his head, similar to his helm. His long black hair framed his face, his skin a deep blue, eyes blood red. She could see the ancestral ridges along his face. He stood emotionless, distant. "King Thor, why is it you have summoned me?" His voice boomed through the room. "Come, we have much to discuss." Thor said heading to the bridge.

Loki went to follow when frigga softly touched his arm. He stopped and looked down at her. "Your highness, I must speak with you at once." She whispered to him. He slightly nodded before following Thor. She shot Heimdall a look before following the kings to the palace. Frigga had to find a way to get Loki back to earth, back to his love. She just wasn't sure how.

Frigga waited in Loki's room, pacing as she waited for him. Suddenly she heard the chamber door slam shut. "That oaf expects me to marry!! I will not!!" He yelled throwing his cape on the chair. "King Loki, I must speak with you as once." Frigga said watching Loki pace back and forth. "I agreed to take the throne, not marry!!" He yelled again, continuing pacing. "Loki!" She yelled getting his attention. "What is it!?" He looked at her, his red eyes staring into her. "You may want to sit down." She said looking at him.

She sat across from him, thinking. "Well, what is it?" He asked leaning forward on the lais. She fidgeting her hands "Loki, son, it was a mistake bringing you here, I see that now." She said looking at him. He didn't say anything, just looked at her. "You were happy, loved. You found what others only dream to." She said, seeing tears form in his eyes. "I fear is it too late, she won't want me after leaving her." He said shakely looking down. "You are wrong Loki, she loved you and loved you still." She said looking at him. "Heimdall has kept watch over her, to make sure she is safe." She said. Loki's head shot up "and is she safe? What's happened?" He asked looking at her.

"She is fine, she has been ill, but fine" frigga said. "Why is she ill? Tell me what's going on?" He demanded standing up. "I cannot tell you, it is her who must." Frigga said standing, walking to Loki. "We must find a way to return you to her, she needs you." She said. "Go along with Thor, for now. I'll come up with a plan." She said as she hugged him. "I'm sorry Loki, for everything, but I will make this right." She said as he hugged her. She pulled back looking at him, cupping his cheek his skin cold "you will hear from me, we will get you home." She said wiping a tear from his cheek. He nodded and with that she left his chambers, determined to find a way.

@vbecker10 @lokisprettygirl22 @xorpsbane @123forgottherest @mcufan72 @daggers-and-mischief @cabingrlandrandomcrap @misswimberly @purplekitten30 @elenaysusneuras @usagishira @asgardianprincess1050 @mostly-marvel-musings @wannabemonsterfucker @hibernocaledonian @evansabove1981 @catalina712 @chaotics17 @lokiprompts @crystaldragonborne @el-zef @shesakillerkween @kat-nee @sinsandguilt @midnights-ramblings @storybrook-beck @stupidthoughtsinwriting

#loki #loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki imagine #loki of asgard #loki of jotunheim #loki x reader #loki x you #loki x y/n #loki angst #loki x female reader #loki odinson imagine #loki odinson fanfiction #loki odinson angst #loki odinson #loki odinson x you #loki odinson x reader #loki odinson x y/n #loki laufeyson fanfic #loki laufeyson imagine #loki laufeyson #loki laufeyson angst #loki laufeyson x y/n #loki laufeyson x reader #mcu fanfiction #mcu imagine #mcu loki

[riversofmars]

Femslash February is over, so here we are, back to my magnum opus!

Chapter 21: Momentum

In every story there comes a shift in momentum as you prepare for the final showdown, the big finale, the climax that everything has been building towards. It can be subtle or it can be abrupt. Something had changed in my life as the curtain rose on what you might think of as the final act of this story. The change had been earth shattering for me. I spent the night huddled close to Helen, resting in each other’s arms and it was the most wonderful sort of change, the fulfilment of what I had longed for for so long. It was a rest well deserved and much needed, as the momentum was about to shift.

---

I pushed myself up on my elbows to the sound of the doorbell of my quarters. At first I couldn’t place the sound and I looked around confused. I had been lying on my bed reading when the beeping sound had broken my concentration. It was late and no-one ever took the time to visit us in our quarters but there was a first for everything. The door slid open revealing one of the lead scientists.

“Med-tech Chenka?” He greeted me with a thin smile and stepped inside without waiting to be asked in.

“Yes?” I sat up properly and put the tablet down to give him my full attention.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” he scanned my room and I got to my feet.

“No, of course not. How can I help?” I tried not to be too self conscious about the mess. Despite having little I called my own, I still managed to create a chaotic state wherever I went. It’s part of my charm though perhaps not entirely helpful when dealing with the people that were in charge of the limited future I had.

“I was pleased to see you finally had the opportunity to take your medical,” he said at last when he returned his attention to me and my heart jumped into my throat. Had they noticed I had doctored the results? Was there something wrong? Why else would he be visiting me in private without anyone to witness? Surely, if they were good news, they could have waited till morning. “That concludes all necessary tests and the vetting process. I’m happy to say, we are good to go,” he flashed a brief smile and I was almost more shocked by the ease with which he put the matter off, than I would have been had there been an issue.

“Oh that’s great. Glad to hear the results were satisfactory,” I stuttered and quickly recovered to put on a smile as if there had never been any doubt I would pass with flying colours.

“Yes, indeed, so were we,” she gave back. Usually, I’m very good at reading people but I couldn’t get a measure on him at all; whether he truly believed everything was in order or if he suspected something.

“So what is the time-line from here?” I asked to fill the silence as he made no attempts at leaving.

“There are a few weeks of preparation yet but I suggest you get well acquainted with the idea of setting off into a distant future,” he answered and I nodded.

“Wonderful.”

“There is something else,” he revealed after another moment of silence that I could sense growing heavier. Here came the catch I was dreading.

“Right…” I tried not to fidget. When I’m anxious I fiddle with things, I wring my hands and sometimes bite my nails, all tell tale signs that I was hoping to avoid. They would surely give away that I had something to hide. But why would he said I had passed the tests if-

“We have received confirmation of your employment history,” he went on and I nodded.

“Okay…”

“You never mentioned you had a sister,” he concluded and I blinked. While I hadn’t known what to expect, that was certainly not it. They must have gone as far back as Kaldor in their research.

“Tula? How do you- I mean- It never seemed important. Besides, we haven’t been in contact, I have no idea what she’s up to these days…” I really didn’t and I felt a sting of guilt at the truthful admission. You see, my relationship to my sister had always been somewhat strained, particularly during the time of our father’s illness and after his death. It was a rift that at the time I didn’t think would ever heal. It has now, years later after I returned to Kaldor with the Doctor and spent a whole year with her. But way back then, Tula was nothing but a distant memory and that very fact was painful to admit to.

“Working for the Company on Kaldor,” he added almost pleasantly and I nodded once more.

“Of course she is.” Tula had taken up work for the Company straight out of university, so it wasn’t much of a surprise, though I imagined she would be in a far more senior role these days. She had, after all, always been ambitious and head-strong. In some ways we were far more alike than I liked to admit and it had resulted in many disagreements.

“She seemed pleased to hear you were well. We have a message from her for you if you are interested-” He reached into his lab coat and produced a small data chip that he held out to me. It was a most surprising turn of events. Despite the years of not talking and the fights we’d had before that, I reached for the chip eagerly.

“I- Yes. Yes, that would be-” Looking back I think it had something to do with the fact that I was taking stock of my life at that point as I prepared to launch into the unknown for my final adventure. Tula was a significant part of my past. My only living family. It almost seemed poetic that close to the end. “Thank you.”

“It’s no matter. There was a lot of interesting content in the data package,” he observed as I turned the chip between my fingers in wonder. “Such as a warrant for your arrest on charges of collaboration with the Daleks.”

I nearly dropped the chip as my eyes shot up to him. My heart stalled.

“I- I can explain.” I stuttered, barely recovering from the whiplash of the shocking revelation and the utter casualness with which he presented me with his findings. My mind was starting to race. There was that catch at last. But how was I to prove my version of events over what my actions had been misconstrued as? I had no proof. I had no way of-

“We have, of course, taken steps to assure the authorities that we have no knowledge of your whereabouts and that you can’t be traced here,” he carried on before I could launch into a defence of myself.

“You- You have?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was not how I had imagined such a conversation might go, so I decided to try and calm myself and see where this was going.

“Given your suitability for this mission and how far the process has already advanced, we’re not prepared to lose you,” he explained and slowly the vice grip of panic eased around my chest.

“I- I don’t know what to say.” I really didn’t.

“Thank you would be a start,” he prompted and I nodded, perplexed.

“Thank you…” I stared at him. “So you don’t… care?”

“That you’re a traitor to your race?” He observed bluntly and the word made my flinch. “Is it going to impede on your ability to do your job?”

“No, of course not,” I interjected quickly but wanted to explain myself: “Besides, I wasn’t-” I wanted to set the record straight but there was no opportunity.

“Then we shouldn’t have a problem,” he carried on, evidently not caring to hear any more on the matter. “We also didn’t tell your sister, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Thank you…” I breathed and he smiled:

“Welcome to the crew, Med-tech Chenka.” And with that he departed, leaving me in a state of shock.

I released a sigh of relief when I was alone once more. That had been an incredibly close call and my heart continued to pound in my chest for some time after until I was finally able to relax. I couldn’t believe I had gotten away with swindling the results of the medical and I wondered - given the morally flexible approach they had taken regarding my charges - whether I could have been honest about my condition and still been accepted. They seemed to really want me on this mission.

The fact that they had simply brushed over my chequered past without concern if it was true or not, did leave me wondering about the motivations and morals guiding the Institute, but in the end I decided that it didn’t matter. I wasn’t here to do their bidding or further their agenda. They would have precious little influence on us once we were in the depth of space. Even if they intended to use me and the mission for some nefarious reason, it almost didn’t matter, as I was using them too for my own agenda.

My eyes fell onto the data chip in my hand. A message from Tula. I had spent precious little time thinking about my sister and the guilt settled deep in my gut, making me feel nauseous. We hadn’t been close for years, but I could have spared her a thought every now and then… At least now she knew where I was and that was worth a lot. It meant she wouldn’t be left wondering what had happened to me. Maybe I could record a message and send it before we departed, say my goodbyes, tie up the loose ends… I had some time to consider my options, for the time being I was more concerned with listening to Tula’s message, so I pushed the chip into the tablet that I had been reading one and hit play.

“Hello, Liv. Nice to hear you’re still out there somewhere and in work, so that’s a plus- Sorry, that was uncalled for, it’s just- It’s been a while. I hope you’re well. I didn’t get much information on what it is you’re actually doing, but if they are gathering that much background that they reached out to me, it might be something exciting and significant, so well done you. Maybe, once you’re done with whatever it is you’re doing… maybe you could take a trip to Kaldor some time. It would be nice to see you… Anyway, while I have the opportunity, I just wanted to say good luck.”

——

When I woke up, I was disoriented. I knew I was not in the frontier colonies, despite my mind conjuring up the image of the room I used to stay in at ISI. It had been a dream and surprisingly, not a terrible one. The nightmares had kept their distance and the reason for it lay right beside me, sleeping soundly still. Helen was lying on her side, she was facing away from me but had her fingers curled around mine, pulling my arm around herself like a protective barrier. She was holding it close, having dragged my whole body along, I had moved to lie behind her, matching my body to the soft curve of hers. I felt her chest rise and fall slowly as I raised my head a little to look at her. She seemed content and peaceful and it made my heart soar. 

I nuzzled into her neck, her soft hair tickling my face and I smiled. I inhaled deeply, savouring the moment and I couldn’t resist the temptation of pressing my lips to her neck. Helen gave a soft drowsy sigh and I smiled against her skin. I kissed her there again and trailed more kisses down her neck and to her shoulder, any bit of exposed skin I could find. I was fully prepared for Helen to scold and stop me but she hadn’t complained yet and I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

“That’s a nice way to wake up…“ Helen hummed at last and I chuckled softly.

“For me too,“ I admitted and tugged my arm back, rolling her over to lie on her back. She giggled and it was the most heartwarming sound.

“Good morning, Liv.“ She looked up to me with a smile as I hovered over her.

“Good morning, Helen.“ I leaned down and kissed her.

For the moment, all our worries were forgotten.

“How did you sleep?” She asked, brushing my hair back that continued to fall into my face.

“Better than I have in a long time,” I confessed entirely truthfully. “How about you?”

“Me too,” she answered softly and her hand found the base of my neck, resting there comfortably. “I was so… I hardly slept while we were… you know. When I kept you at arms length…” She took a deep breath. “I was so worried for our future…”

“And now?” I enquired gently. I didn’t want to push her too hard but I wanted to take advantage of her opening up to me. It was a most intimate, wonderful feeling to finally be allowed behind the walls she had put up between us and that to some extent always had existed, as she had kept her heart well guarded.

“Now I’m worried for the future in a different way,” she confessed with something of a helpless smile. “But… being with you just… I suppose you have a calming influence.”

“Be sure to tell that to the Doctor,” I joked. “That’s something that’s never been said about me before.”

“Liv…” she brushed my hair back and hesitated for a moment, then asked: “You will be careful, won’t you? You won’t-”

“No,” I shook my head quickly and firmly. “There is no way I’m giving up on this.” And I meant that. I longed to bury my fears and the dread I felt about my potential death deep down and so I kissed her again, hoping to forget the world and all my worries. I can’t speak to Helen’s thought process or intentions, but I imagine she might have been longing to do much the same, as she pulled me close and returned my kiss just as eagerly.

---

“Good morning, you two lovebirds,” River greeted us when we returned to the main area of operations. Eventually, guilt and a sense of responsibility had won out and made us get up, otherwise we’d likely have stayed in our little bubble of bliss all day. River’s words, however, quickly brought us back to reality as she met us halfway to the office where the Doctors were likely making plans.

“River!” I hissed a warning at her but she didn’t seem bothered. I suppose the legendary River Song is not so easily intimidated, she’d faced down far worse than me.

“Oh don’t be precious Liv,” she tutted and it seemed she might have been on her way to come and find us, as she fell into step with us instead of carrying on.

“We’re not ready for people to know yet,” I continued while Helen remained silent, though her pinked cheeks indicated she was paying attention.

“Then you might want to try to look a little less smitten with each other,” the professor hummed, obviously amused and I pushed my hands into my pockets to resist the ever-present urge to reach for Helen’s hand. “You got here just at the right time,” she revealed and ushered us into the office.

“How’s things progressing? Have we got a plan?” Helen queried and we looked around the room. I couldn’t help but wonder if any of them had had any sleep at all. The Doctor’s certainly hadn’t, and I doubted Kate and Osgood had either. They hardly seemed to have moved from when we had left them the previous night.

“We have indeed,” the Doctor announced, brimming with excitement. It was nice to see enthusiasm returning to his eyes. It gave me hope too and we eagerly awaited his answer: “We will break through the bubble!”

“Right… and something more concrete than that?” I asked drily. I had expected more.

“It’s the only way to truly stop the Daleks from repeating this time loop. We have to step out of it,” he continued, visibly displeased by our lack of applause. The Doctor did so enjoy an adoring audience.

“And how do you suggest we do that,” I continued, trying my best not to sound too sarcastic. I had limited success.

“Simple,” the other Doctor interjected. “We fly.”

“Of course,” I groaned and the thin smile Helen offered was the polite equivalent to my reaction. If this was all they had come up with in the night, we were in big trouble indeed.

“All we need is a ship. I managed to record the frequency the shield is operating on, remember?” The future Doctor elaborated, finally giving the idea some substance. “If we are able to equip a ship accordingly, we would be able to phase through it. So long as we were undetected.”

“What sort of ship? A plane won’t do it. We’d need a spaceship,” Helen observed thoughtfully and I wholeheartedly agreed:

“In 2020? That’s gonna be a tall order. It would need to be something more versatile than a shuttle.”

“Well, then I suppose it’s lucky UNIT deal in technology far in advance of our time,” Kate interjected with a smile. They had obviously discussed the ins and outs of this plan in our absence.

“You could hardly keep a skimmer down here,” I commented but my curiosity was piqued.

“No… but we have other hiding places,” Osgood revealed with a proud smile.

“That we can get to without the Daleks noticing?” I pushed on.

“And that haven’t been destroyed?” Helen added. Despite the serious situation, I gave a little smile, remarking on how often we were completely in tune with each other, following the same thought patterns and reaching the same conclusions. It was a lovely reminder of how perfectly matched we were.

“We can’t be sure-” Kate conceded but our Doctor interrupted:

“Either way, we have to try. It’s our best-”

“If not our only option,” his future self finished his sentence.

“And then what?” I asked, assuming for a moment we would in fact manage to get our hands on a suitable ship. “We just… fly at them?” I tried to imagine how things might come together but every scenario just concluded the same way: “Surely that’s a surefire way of making them flip the switch or just blow us out of the sky.”

“We will have to create a diversion of course,” the blonde Doctor explained and the whole thing was beginning to sound awfully familiar. It was our Doctor that confirmed what I was suspecting:

“We got pretty far that last time,“ he supplied. “Setting up a distraction to allow us to get to the ship undetected. It’s a good plan.“ He gave me a wry smile as if he could read my mind.

“It’s also the closest they got to winning,” River stepped in, having followed the conversation silently until then. I had almost forgotten she had watched us go about this repetitive exercise again and again. “That’s the trouble. If it was just a matter of shooting their ship out of the sky or defeating their troops… we need to get in there before they can flip the switch.” 

“There must be another way,“ Helen spoke up, visibly displeased and she turned to me: “You died that time…“

“I’m really not very keen to go through that one…” I agreed but it seemed the others had already discussed this matter:

“You will be elsewhere,” River interjected. “You will fly the ship.“

“I don’t want to be split up, I-” I immediately protested. I wanted to grab Helen’s hand but didn’t given the fact that all eyes were on me. As terrifying as it would be to follow the same plan that had brought my death last time around, I wanted to be wherever Helen was.

“It’s your best chance. I will be with you and one of the Doctors…” River’s voice softened, it wasn’t unlike the time she had found me in my bedroom after I had been witness to my own demise. She had a compassionate side beyond the loud personality, reserved for these moments, and it was effective, I had to give her that. I lowered my head as I understood what she was saying, regardless of whether I liked it or not.

“And we can utilise your arrival for the distraction,” the blonde Doctor jumped in, continuing to outline the plan they had agreed upon. I got the sense we wouldn’t have a say in the matter. “We won’t be able to fly the TARDIS, the only reason it’s even able to come and go is before it happened before the cordon went up. But we will need it regardless.”

“What for?” I asked as I wanted to understand at the very least.

“To destabilise the field. Modifications to the shuttle won’t be enough,” our Doctor explained patiently.

“This plan is getting more unrealistic with every moment…” I huffed, uneasy. It was a typical Doctor plan. Utterly ridiculous and still, somehow, our best option.

“But we do have the best possible odds, remember?” River gave me a wink of reassurance and that was something I couldn’t argue with. If it was ever going to work…

“I suppose so…”

“Will our memories change?” Helen interjected suddenly and the Doctor frowned:

“What?”

“If we go to meet ourselves, find the TARDIS during our arrival… will our memories change if we don’t see Liv die?” She elaborated and admittedly, that was something I hadn’t even considered. By meeting ourselves again, under different circumstances, we would be opening up a whole other can of worms.

“How does that even work? We remember what we saw…“ I agreed. “If this is the God knows which attempt… how come…“

“Your memory might simply change,“ the future Doctor gave a nonchalant shrug that did nothing to reassure me. 

“I wouldn’t mind forgetting about that…” Helen hummed and I longed to reach out for her. A flash of pain crossed her face at the painful memory. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt in that moment, now that I knew that even then, she had felt for me more deeply than she’d ever led on.

“So we enlist our past selves to help and utilise their TARDIS?” I sought to move the conversation along and spare her dwelling on things we couldn’t change now.

“To be honest, we don’t know what will happen to your memories when that happens. This is the first time we’re trying it like that. Last time was the first time you arrived because it was only then that I’d given you the notebook,” River interjected and what had previously seemed logical and straightforward became a jumble.

“My head is starting to hurt,” I groaned and Helen frowned:

“It makes sense… kind of…”

“There is no point in worrying about that now. We will address one problem at a time and see how we go, that’s all we can do,” the blonde Doctor clapped her hands together and her younger self added:

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to agree. One thing we have to be aware of, however, is that there might be severe temporal fallout from this,” he warned.

“We will be,” Osgood spoke up, taking notes on her tablet. “But for now we have to get our timings right. We need to work out when that happens in relation to when we are now.” She looked around the room for answers, evidently eager to map things out in the greatest detail possible.

“I’ll be able to help with that,” River replied and walked over to join the UNIT scientist with her projections. Drawing on the notebook she had given me and notes retrieved from her own diary, she worked things out.

“How much time have we got?” I asked impatiently as I suddenly became aware of one terrifying truth: This might very well be the day and time I die. There would be no do-overs this time around. We only had the one shot now that River was with us and if something went wrong…

“A little under eight hours,” the professor answered at last and my blood ran cold. That was so much sooner than I had expected. For a moment, it felt as if time slowed down and I became oddly detached from myself. As I was trying to identify the things I was feeling, my eyes travelled around the room, looking to my friends for an indication on how I should be behaving or feeling. The Doctors were mirror images of each other of squared jaws and determined, yet bitter expressions. Kate looked insecure, faltering - though only for a split second - in her carefully curated image of strength, as she too seemed to find things moving along too quickly. River’s features had softened with something like compassion or pity as her eyes found mine and I looked further as I couldn’t face her. Osgood’s expression turned to a frown of concentration, trying to detach the data from its implications and Helen? Well… Helen went very pale indeed, much like myself.

I felt a sort of tingle in my limbs and a wave of cold panic that crept up my back. It was the sort of paralysing panic you felt when you truly took a moment to imagine death. Not just death in general but your own. The thought of everything simply ending and that terrible feeling of not knowing what came after - if anything. I had faced the prospect of my own death before, as you well know by now, but never have I had so much to live for.

“That’s hardly any time at all,” Helen whispered, her voice weak and I simply knew she had come to similar conclusions as I had.

“Just enough time to get organised,” Kate regained her air of leadership and control of the situation.

“Liv, I don’t want to split up,” Helen quickly turned to me and grabbed hold of my arm. I wasn’t quite able to respond yet, I simply turned to face her and my heart dropped at the look of fear in her eyes.

“Believe me, it’s the best way,” our Doctor tried to interject but it was River that succeeded in interrupting.

“Helen, can I talk to you for a minute?” She placed her hands on her shoulders, drawing her attention.

“I-” Helen looked around to her confused, then back to me. She appeared helpless which was just how I felt. It was probably a good thing. River would be able to put her at ease much better than I would in my panicking state. I could hardly keep myself together, how was I to be of any help to Helen? I needed air. I needed a moment just to myself to process what was happening.

“Go on. Not going anywhere yet,” I encouraged Helen as calmly as I could, I even managed a small smile and a nod. “I just… I’m gonna need a minute anyway… ”

“Of course,” River answered where Helen couldn’t.

“I will be right back…” I told them and took my leave.

---

I don’t know what I had expected, how we would solve the problem with the Daleks. Somehow, I had still held on to the hope the Doctors would come up with a weird and wonderful idea, a genius solution that would leave us all in awe and safe and sound in the long run. I had not expected to have to face the very scenario that I had watched play out in terrifying and heartbreaking detail before.

I didn’t go far. I just needed a moment away from the people that knew what the future might well have in store for me. I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath as slowly, the feeling of control returned.

I was in control of the future, I told myself.

I had been in far worse situations.

I had faced death before and come out on top every time.

You think we’re doing something special? Surviving whatever life has thrown at you so far is not a skill. It’s called ‘still being alive’. Everyone you’ve ever met has done it by definition. The Doctor’s defeatist words rung in my ears. There is always a way out until there isn’t. Maybe this was that time… I shook my head free of the memory, taking conciliation in the fact that even then, I had been right and we had survived.

I try and try again and then, I keep trying until there is nothing left. This couldn’t be that time that I failed. Not when Helen and I had gotten so far… But what if it was? What was there left to do before the end?

I caught sight of the hospital wing and started walking. If I only had eight hours left - regardless of whether we were successful or not and whether I would survive - there were things I had to do.

“Liv?” Tania looked up, evidently surprised to see me as I made my way over.

“How are you doing? How’s the leg,” I asked and the distraction did wonders to pull me away from the edge of breaking under my mental burden.

“Seen better days,” she huffed, gesturing towards her leg and I took a quick peek under the dressing, pleased with how the wound was looking. “I take it I can’t come with you?” She questioned when I straightened up again. “Assuming you will be doing something about the Daleks soon?” She cast a glance past me to the office.

“No. Sorry,” I shook my head and gave her an apologetic smile. “You’ll just have to place your trust in us, hard as that might be.”

“Not as hard as you might think,” she gave back rather kindly, an instant reminder of why I’d felt I needed to speak to her. She was such a kind, generous person and there were things I had to say, things she deserved to hear, so I could put the matter to rest and make my peace.

“Tania… there’s something… I just… I wanted to apologise for how things played out,” I said and lowered my eyes. I truly was sorry. Regardless of how much she had insisted that she hoped Helen and I would work things out, she would be hurt by it. It was human.

“Oh, I see…” She must have taken my meaning from my very demeanour. She sounded stung and I couldn’t blame her.

“It’s not- It’s just-” I wanted to explain but I couldn’t find the right words. My thoughts were still a jumble. I should have prepared something in my mind before marching over, but time was short in every sense of the word, so I blanked. Thankfully, Tania didn’t seem to need explanations:

“It’s fine, Liv, honestly. Otherwise I wouldn’t have said the things I did. I told Helen much the same,” she said after a moment of heavy silence.

“I see…” I mumbled.

“See, there was a reason why I asked what your relationship was. Whether I would be treading on any toes….” She hummed and slowly, her apprehension seemed to ease.

“Yeah… still… I’m sorry…” I told her honestly and she smiled.

“Apology accepted.”

“I think we’ve worked things out. Helen and I…” I said, making sure she really did know what I was apologising for.

“I believe it was about time,” she offered kindly. “Don’t worry. We’re fine.”

“Thank you. I’m glad,” I smiled and reached for her hand with a squeeze of gratitude. She nodded in acknowledgement, then smirked:

“Besides… Martha’s bedside manner is so much nicer than yours.” And just like that, the heaviness of the situation dispersed.

“Martha’s bedside manner?” I gaped, shocked for a moment, then laughed: “I see how it is!”

“Well, you know, a girl can dream,” Tania hummed playfully, casting a glance over to the medic who was seeing to a patient on the other side of the room.

“Well by all means, dream away. If things go well, we won’t be crammed down here much longer and free to go about our lives once more,” I stated, hoping I wasn’t promising too much. “I best be off.” As relieved as I was to have put things right with Tania, there was somewhere else I wanted to be now.

“Good luck, Liv,” she said with an encouraging smile.

“You too,” I winked at her, jerking my head towards Martha who was just scribbling some notes on a chart and she laughed.

When I made my way back to the office and spotted River still speaking to Helen. She had taken her outside, out of earshot of the others and I slowed my steps. I didn’t want to impose, so I waited and watched from a distance. Helen was evidently distraught and River seemed to be doing her best to calm and reassure her. 

Dread was beginning to settle in my gut once more at sight of the genuine fear on Helen’s beautiful face. Fear for me. Fear of what was to come. And I could feel it too. Fear was creeping up my back again, I tensed up and struggled under the task of breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing down the panic, I didn’t have time for it. Eight hours and I might be dead. Eight hours was all I could be sure of. That was no time at all. And so I went to interrupt them.

#Fanfiction #A Numbers Game #liv/helen #liv chenka #helen sinclair #river song #eighth doctor #thirteenth doctor #tania bell #kate stewart #action/adventure #whump #femslash #flashbacks #long fic #doctor who #dw fanfic #big finish

[sarasa-cat]

A minor update on vagueblogged crisis-at-home mentioned last week:

One of my two cats has a habit of fucking around.

He has never been the most athletic creature but he likes to climb on things which is sometimes a cause for concern especially now as he grows older.

A week ago he climbed on top of some stuff that toppled over and he injured one of his back legs and was NOT willing to place weight on it which made it very difficult for him to walk or do much of anything.

(Note: neither of us saw the accident happen -- just the aftermath)

There was a long wait to get him seen at his vet (much less at any emergency hospital for animals) but I had assessed the best I could (sometimes my anatomy knowledge is useful) and felt no obvious breaks or dislocations, no joint destabilization (nothing was wobbly when manipulated or moved incorrectly -- he just didn't want to move any of it on his own), no severe swelling (requiring immediate ER attention), etc. My guess was that he had seriously pulled one or more muscles in his upper leg.

So we waited out the wait while physically carrying him to and from the litterbox, his food area, etc., every few hours.

Doc finally saw him 20 hours later (ugh, I know) and she came to all of the same conclusions I had come to but with far more medical certainty/knowledge. She him sent for x-rays on his leg and gave him pain meds. Radiologist took a day to get back to doc to confirm zero fractures but arthritis in knees (which we were already aware of but now had confirmed on x-rays).

Muscle strains and pulled muscles take a few days to calm down and then a few weeks or a month to heal. Torn ligaments are a different matter and take longer to heal (or require surgery).

Last week we needed to carry this cranky cat around for a few days while slowly coaxing him to try a few steps. Each day he got a little more confident and pain meds definitely helped.

Over the weekend we worked on stairs with him. Up was good. Down was .... nervous. Not sure if that was a physiological issue or psychological issue.

Yesterday he walked down an entire flight of stairs without prompting -- all on his own time for his own reasons -- which makes me further suspect this was only a muscular injury.

He had a ... constipation problem ... for a few days thanks to the sedative used during the x-rays but that finally cleared up yesterday.

Throughout all of this, he has been extremely affectionate and attention-wanting. He required a bit of baby-sitting for five days/nights.

Right now he's getting closer to normal but he still limits (for good reasons) what he will attempt to jump onto. That said, he has NEVER been a good jumper -- that just isn't who he is. He's never been the most agile of cats. But he likes to climb. Thus, it's a bad combination felt destined for an eventual injury. :(

...

Meanwhile, I have been a bit grumpy for the past 3 weeks dealing with an old (and once extremely severe/serious) injury that has flared up. Life has been ...uncomfortable...

So, given all of this, I am more exhausted than usual despite wanting to be outside enjoying late spring weather.

(limps off to make more tea)

I'm tired.

[cold-neon-ocean]

short-ish vent/explanation as to why things have been so slow sobs

I don’t really feel the passage of time anymore but it’s crazy how much time I’ve lost just since February to just one after another dealing with the house pets. First our puppy’s neuter, then my sister bringing her cats into the house, her cats tearing things up and needing to be watched constantly (by me of course bc I’m the only one here), her cats then giving everyone ringworm which was a nearly 2 month ordeal that we’re still recovering from physically and financially, and now both puppies (one has seemed to recover now) are having some sort of intestinal issue the vets don’t know the cause of, but I’m just cleaning bloody diarrhea (its not parvo, the vet tested) and doing laundry all day.

I never really got the chance to recover from the introduction of the puppies back in September last year. I feel like my life has been overtaken by all these animals completely against my will and out of my control. Mom is just hemorrhaging money from all these obligations and vet bills she never planned/asked for, and I’m trying to help (despite none of these pets being mine) while also barely having the time to work that I used to. I used to be able to sit at my desk nearly all day without being interrupted but now dealing with all these animals by the time I get to sit at my desk I’m exhausted and it’s like 7pm but I gotta get up at 6am to give out medications and make breakfast for 5 pets.

Its starting to calm down but I’m just really upset over how all this affected my ability to work since these extended wait times reflects on my business very poorly and it’s just been killing me because this is not how I normally conduct things but I just had the rug completely snatched from under me and haven’t really been able to get back up. 

I also want to make clear that none of these animals are mine, nor did I have anything to do with the decision making to get them. I was told by my fam that it was expressly kept secret from me- literally until the animals came through the front door, because they knew I’d be upset because I’d have to watch them since I’m the only one home. The only pet that belongs to me is my leopard gecko who is a perfect angel boy who I’ve had not one issue with since getting him (he just turned 2 last month). 

Things are (hopefully) starting to stabilize, I’m praying that we can have just a little time without an animal having some sort of health crisis. I’m really sorry this has been such a long running thing, I never could have anticipated for any of it. I’m so grateful for the patience of my commissioners and am especially sorry to them, this isn’t normally how my business handles and I’m really ashamed of it.

#Matsu Blogging #vent #[ i'm typing this at almost 1am cries sorry if it's a bit rambly #i've been very frustrated for a good while #and the most recent health crisis hasn't helped #I love the puppies don't get me wrong #I like one of the cats and tolerate the other #it's just literally been one thing after another in a nearly year long succession #once this queue is clear I'm gonna be pulling back on commissions if possible #at least until things start to stabilize #I've been job hunting for a while and a new prospect has come up #i hope it works out #i need the stable income so badly #i don't normally like venting like this but I've just been feeling so terrible #like I have no control in my life rn and it's affecting my business #idk if you read this far I really appreciate it lol #sorry this got so long #I feel like this has just become a stain on my career as an artist when I think about it #and I feel like I broke the trust of some clients who I valued a lot #it's just such a terrible feeling ]

[rottenbrainstuff]

My cat has been doing really well on her new meds. She’s had a great appetite, and barely ever throws up anymore. She’s even started gaining a little weight. The vet is really happy. Excellent!

I still can’t help but wonder what exactly is wrong with her though. She’s had appetite, vomit, and weight-loss issues for years now, basically since her kidney failure diagnosis almost five years ago. Then I was told over and over her kidney levels weren’t actually bad enough to be making her this sick, her kidney levels were always only just clinically significant, so they were confused. But surely she hasn’t had GI cancer for years? That would have killed her by now, wouldn’t it? Her calcium levels, which I guess for some reason are the big cancer indicator, only started to go wonky a year ago. What was making her sick before that? And why have her kidney levels got better since beginning her medication? The steroids I thought ran the risk of further damaging her kidneys. Never mind that, how did the levels get better at all? I thought that was impossible.

Anyways. The what and the whys don’t matter, in the end the only thing that matters is that she seems to feel better these days, and I’m so happy for that.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I genuinely need therapy, because my mental health is so bad like I trauma dump a lot and I don’t mean to and have a lot of compulsions and addictive behaviors and lack community… i act compulsively a lot. I need to sleep but I’m scared to and don’t really know how to let go/don’t feel safe enough to sleep, I’m constantly afraid of being violated, but it seems like for good therapy you need to pay out of pocket. I’ve never had a therapist in a clinic that wasn’t mediocre and project misogyny onto me and stigmatize me and judge me and make me feel worse, some have flat out been malicious and when I gave them feedback they didn’t like, they will blame me for their bad behavior and gaslight me. A lot of them have invalidated or even minimized my experiences being abused, even sexually abused. They’ll be distracted. I’ve spent a lot of time doing emotional labor (I think a lot of therapists are codependent.

I think a lot of women are socialized to give care but there’s a lot of misogyny in mental health. I was searching for feminist therapists on psychology today, just to see if maybe I could vet out someone who focuses on women’s issues because my trauma is a woman’s issue… I don’t need a therapist gaslighting me as to why I can’t get over my trauma and trust men, that’s not why I’m in therapy to heal so that I can jump into a relationship, I get so panicked when therapists do that because it’s so devaluing.

A lot of them aren’t grounded in reality, like when it comes to male violence and how the system works and ironically a lot I’ve had to explain how narcissism works… and one had never heard of negging; j feel like these are things a therapist should know. It seems like their only purposes is to label and perscribe medications and a lot actually don’t know how trauma works it’s bizarre?

I search and I see “kink positive.” This shit makes me want to die, like kinda feels hard to heal and find connection in a patriarchal system. I feel like I’ll never get out of poverty. Im going to be 32 in April and just now going to school, kinda feel like it’s hopeless hoping I can heal and have the life I want like it’s endless 😅

I’ve only found radical feminist spaces and actual feminist spaces helpful but I try not to trauma dump, sharing trauma in therapy is weird.

Since I’ve been around 4 I’ve wanted to die, I’d be terrified telling my mother I wanted to go home. She hated me for being a victim and denied any sexual abuse and acted so clueless; I blacked out most my childhood and she laughing shared with me that when I was 4 I was crying about wanting to go home. Like I was suicidal at 4 years old and I always hoped that would change but it only gets worse the older I get but then I’m also scared of dying.

Not sure what the point is when things keep getting worse; how do you find “your people” like sane people? I miss when feminism meant something, most people are untrusty.

It’s always felt like hell on earth and Tbh sometimes I miss being delusional and believing in god and heaven.

im sorry youve had those experiences. i think theres a strange over saturation of therapists nowadays. maybe not directly, but of people who really shouldnt be therapists. im thinking of the types of people ive seen want to go into/have gone into therapy and really, so many are not the types of people who should be trying to help others with their issues. i mean, my friend was forced to go to therapy in high school and the only feedback the therapist ever gave was "yeah, your life sucks, id hate to be you"

a lot of them dont really focus on healing but rather "fixing" especially with women. they dont want to validate you, they want you to be "normal" per se and to go back to be useful patriarchal cogs. i think theres a problem on therapists not recognizing where peoples trauma comes from. how can you help someone whose problems stem from poverty if you dont understand how poverty works? from misogyny and patriarchy? from racism? from homophobia? from the establishments which are built upon and utilize these oppressions? the worst are the ones indoctrinated by these systems, that work to strengthen them, like the "kink positive" ones you mentioned. all theyll do is push traumatized individuals, mainly women, back into traumatizing situations.

but overall, i dont really know how to answer your question. ive always had a sane dependable immediate family to fall back on. but there are people out there

#ask

[mandana-the-service-pup]

Ok Vetblr, Dogblr, Service Dogblr & Malinois folks, I need your help.

My 2 yr old Belgian Malinois SDiT has been becoming increasingly fatigued over the last 6 months and I’ve noticed some behavioral changes that suggest she just feels kind of crummy. She’s also having trouble losing weight, despite diet changes and attempts to increase her exercise. You can look through my posts for more details (#sick dog or #vetblr would probably work)

I’ve been taking her to the vet for various things trying to figure it out. We have done a thyroid panel which should come back within the next week or two. Over time I’ve noticed her sides have been really hard. I brought it up at my last vet visit and was told it’s just muscle but I don’t think that’s what’s going on. It feels HARD, not like typical muscle and as you can see in the video/photos below her left side is quite different than the right (bigger, rounder). It doesn’t seem to cause her pain when I touch it or push on it but she’s also super tolerant of having injuries handled even if they are definitely painful. The chiropractor mentioned how her left side has more issues with tension/inflammation and I’ve noticed on the carpet mill she pulls to the left a lot.

We have an appointment with the chiropractor tomorrow @ 5pm and the vet will be there so I want to bring it up with her. I’m looking for any advice on what this could be, how abnormal or normal it is based on your own experience and what type of testing or dx I should be pushing for bc I’m not convinced this isn’t just muscle.

So if your in a place to give advice please check it out. I have trouble with my own medical PTSD/gaslighting so I need to go in with a plan or I might end up leaving without making any progress.

#belgian malinois #2 years #service dog in training #service dog community #dog training community #vet #veterinarian #vetblr #sick dog #service dogblr #dogblr #dog advice #advice welcome