For anyone in the ASPEC community, how did you find out you are in the ASPEC spectrum? I’ve been grappling with my identity for a while now.
Getting super personal for a minute but as someone who grew up in a small town in Brazil where even the concept of being LGBTQ+ was considered a sin/taboo during the time I was a child and teen (I’ve been told it’s somewhat better now!), I’m still trying to understand my own sexuality now that I’m out of there and have the opportunity to even explore how I feel.
And thinking back on my intimate experiences, I never felt anything while engaging in them. I’d enter some sort of limbo, idk. Just complete numbness. And I felt absolutely awful after—I’d be extremely depressed for days.
Like, I know only one instance when the journey of being together with the person and even light activities (that felt genuine) made me feel enjoyment and love. And there were the rare times I’d want to engage in sexual activities, when I felt in love with the person. But when it got to the activity itself, zilch, I felt nothing. Which made me feel guilty.
I still have difficulties knowing what spectrum I fall under. On one hand I’d say I’m panromantic asexual. On the other hand I’d say I’m just pan asexual. But both experiences (romantic and non-romantic) rendered me numb.
The thing that confuses me is, I love romance. I love love, if that makes any sense. But when it comes to me in the equation, it often (but not always) falls flat? So I get to the question of, “Am I aromantic too, then?” And I fall in this rabbit hole of scattered identities. And admittedly I often find myself falling into some sort of traditional line of thinking (thx Protestant and Catholic upbringing 🫠)
Anyway, I’m in a constant state of trying to understand myself and my sexuality, and even feel pressured at times to have a specific answer, given how it seems extremely important for people online.
Most people seem so sure. They know with such certainty, I find myself envious at times. Given that I often find myself at a lost. And that usually makes me feel…incomplete, for a lack of better word. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Idk.
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Steve's first thought when he discovered bisexuality wasn't "Oh, so there's a name for me, I'm not alone", it was "What a relief that I can still like girls" instead.
Don't get him wrong, he wasn't against being gay, it was just that girls were always an easier option for him.
He didn't need to pretend because he did like girls, like how soft and nice-smelling they were, like how they nestled in his arms and let him protect them.
But he also liked how tough and masculine-smelling boys were, like how they roughhoused and overpowered him whenever they wanted to.
He liked both and somehow, he was afraid ashamed to admit so.
Thus, while he would go out with girls and hook up with them, he would jerk off to photos of naked men on his phone when he was alone and fantasized about being pinned beneath them.
And yet, those masturbations remained as his guilty pleasure. A scandalous thing that was never allowed to see the sunlight.
Steve knew nothing was wrong with him liking boys, the world had started becoming kinder and more accepting.
But it was also difficult letting himself become the one thing that he had been taught was bad growing up.
His worldview didn't quite shatter when he first had a wet dream about one of the boys in his class, but it was a close thing.
It had made Steve dizzy and nauseous, causing him to almost have a panic attack when he thought it was over for him.
That was why he had spent his high school years sleeping around, hoping to cure himself.
It was until he met Robin that his eyes were opened.
Learning about bisexuality had finally set his mind at peace and he could never thank his best friend enough for saving him from his inner turmoil.
Still, Steve always had this secret fear that no one knew about, even Robin. But he had a suspicion that she already did and was just waiting for him to confide in her.
Thing was, Steve always wondered what he would do if the love of his life was a 'he' and not a 'she'.
Would he be brave enough to love 'him'? Or would he continue denying his feelings and stay single and unhappy for the rest of his life?
As Steve was still struggling with those questions, Eddie Munson had swept into his life like a storm.
The man took nobody's shit and was unapologetic when he told people his opinions.
He was weird and funny but also kind and a romantic at heart.
He always listened to Steve, took Steve seriously, and offered Steve comfort.
He made Steve laugh, made Steve forget all about the bad things, and made Steve float with happiness.
He was everything Steve could ever ask for in a partner.
Except, Eddie Munson was a 'he'.
And never once in his life Steve had wished to be a girl so bad.
Because if he was a girl, he could be together with Eddie without fearing his parents' disappointment or the pity and disdain people would throw his way once they knew he wasn't straight.
Nonetheless, all of that couldn't compare to his fear of losing Eddie.
Every day, the fear got worse until Steve just broke down and started bawling his eyes out in his bathroom at three in the morning because he missed Eddie so much.
After crying his heart out, he decided to just up and go to Eddie.
The older man had taken one look at him before carefully pulling him inside his apartment and wrapping him in his steady arms.
"Eddie," he sobbed, unable to keep his emotions at bay.
"I'm here, sweetheart," Eddie combed his hair gently and swayed them both slowly. "I'm here."
Everything kind of went hazy after that for Steve and when he woke up again, he found himself being tucked safely in Eddie's chest.
Somehow, the easy intimacy between them just broke something inside Steve.
He didn't know he was crying again until he heard Eddie's worried voice above him.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt somewhere, Steve?" Eddie had pulled back to get a better look at him.
"Nothing, I... I'm just scared," Steve sniffled.
"Oh," Eddie's face softened and the man started stroking his back soothingly. "What are you scared of, Stevie?"
"You," Steve admitted.
"Me?" Hurt flashed across Eddie's eyes.
"Yeah," Steve closed his eyes and dug the heel of his palm into his eyelid as he choked out. "I'm scared that I love you," his lips wobbled again, "So much, too much."
A tense silence blanketed them and Steve kept breathing shakily. He didn't dare to open his eyes not even when Eddie shifted and cradled his face softly.
"Me too," Eddie whispered. "I'm scared too."
That made Steve's eyes fly open in surprise, "Was that why you never said anything?"
"Yes and no," Eddie smiled sadly at him. "I'm always scared but never was I more scared of anything than losing you, sweetheart. I never said anything because I was afraid that I'd ruin our friendship with my stupid feelings."
"What should I do?" Steve leaned into the older man's touch and watched those dark eyes reflect his image. They were shining with many unsaid things and he wished he could keep them all to himself.
"I can't say anything for you, darlin'," Eddie caressed his cheek tenderly. "But we can be scared together if you accept me. Accept us."
Steve parted his lips to say it, but all the words just stuck in his throat and choked him with their thorns.
Eddie seemed to understand him nonetheless because the older man just gave him another sad smile before leaning closer until their lips met in a soft kiss.
"I love you," Steve murmured when they finally parted, his pointer finger tracing the line on Eddie's jaw.
"Love you too, my sweet boy," Eddie kissed his forehead and held him close again.
After that night, they had been inseparable. Despite their relationship staying secret, they had announced it to their close friends and Eddie's uncle.
Though the fear was still there and Steve might never be ready to accept himself, he felt better with Eddie by his side, always understanding and loving him unconditionally.
And Steve just knew he would be alright. They would be alright.
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Having trouble?
Are you having trouble figuring out if your asexual, Aromantic or both? Here are some signs to look for!
(You don’t have to have all or any of these signs to be ace, aro or aroace, these are just some hints to help, hell you don’t have to relate to any! Your always valid!)
Asexual
You may have little to no interest in sex or intimacy
You may find others attractive but not be attracted to them
You might enjoy platonic to slightly less platonic (kissing or more) but not want to go further
You may not being intrested in the whole “sexy” thing
Aromantic
You may not find the idea of romantic relationships appealing to you
You may have trouble relating to or understanding media and more about love.
You might have a physical attraction to people but you might not develop a crush on them
You may also present as not understanding why people behave they way they do when "in love" (This was a big on for me)
You might not find any or most romantic plots in books/movies/media interesting or needed (another big one for me)
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