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vampynights · 9 months

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:D HIHIIII i'm back w another ryan rq LOLL can u write any sort of hcs about cuddling or physical affection w him please ^_^ !!!!!!! sorry if this is too vague, just lmk if it is!!!! 💘 (:

✰a/n: HELLO AGAIN ANON!! wonderful to hear from u and get another request!! I completely understand what you want, and since you so politely asked, you shall receive! this is so random but the song i had on repeat while writing this was ‘kiss me’ by sixpence none the richer and i feel like it really just adds to the overall vibe so i highly suggest listening while reading !!! hope you enjoy and have a wonderful day<33

✰RYAN ROSS — physical affection with ryan headcanons

✰warnings: none tbh!! just pure fluff

(i love this gif sm.)

–ryan is definitely a lot more reserved when it comes to physical affection in the beginning of your relationship

–he’s pretty reserved overall tbh at first, it takes a bit to get him out of his shell

–in the beginning you’d probably have to initiate somethings or hint to him that you’d like to do certain things

–for example, if you wanted him to grab your hand you’d probably have to do that cliche ‘putting your hand super close to him till your pinky’s are touching’ thing to make him notice

–this is probably weird and stupid but i feel like he has like sweaty palms LOL (i do too, i understand the pain.)

–like, you hold his hand for too long and all of a sudden it’s like holding hands with someone who’s sprinkled a shit ton of water onto their hands

–he gets super embarrassed abt it too and you kinda just have to laugh it off and like tell him it’s okay without making a big deal out of it either…?

–once he gets into the habit though his hands are like ALWAYS on yours.

–underneath tables, while you two are walking, if you’re sitting next to each other, when i saw always I MEAN ALWAYS

–now moving on from the hand holding, cuddling is a little easier for him to get used to, funnily enough

–his excuse is probably that cuddling is done mostly in private meanwhile hand holding is public a lot of the time and he gets kinda shy

–he is like the perfect mix of little spoon and big spoon

–like he really does not mind being either tbh, he’ll only have a preference if he’s in a REALLY bad mood (in which case he’ll probably wanna be little spoon) but generally, he doesn’t care, as long as he’s holding you he’s chill.

–he’s got a fucking GRIP

–cuddling with him is like signing away your life tbh, once you go into his arms he will not let you out for almost ANYTHING

–this mf definitely is the type to hug you from behind when you’re doing literally anything

–don’t cook in front of him unless you want your mobility to be restricted because he won’t let go of you

–ok im sorry for saying this but hear me out ok, he’s a “where’s my hug at?” guy

–BUT NOT IN THE WEIRD WAY I MUST EMPHASIZE

–if you come home the first thing he does is playfully ask you “where’s my hug at?” and opens his arm wide

–when you guys are cuddling on the couch he loves to have your legs over his lap and your head on his shoulder

–if you guys are in public however it’s a little harder to get him to cuddle

–the best you’ll get is him wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you close, but he wouldn’t have you on his lap or anything

–he’s so clingy when he’s drunk

–he comes homes after drinking and the first thing he is doing is latching onto you (keep an eye on him at all times or he might vomit on you. gross.)

–if you wear his favorite perfume he will purposefully cuddle you A LOT just to smell it

–like you’ll be chilling with him and then literally feel AND hear him sniffing and you’re just like

–”did you just sniff me?”

–”no?”

–he gaslights you about it cause he get’s embarrassed but you both know the truth

–in summary, he’s clingy as shit and wants to hold you more than anything in the world but also chill out in public otherwise he’ll die

#ryan ross #ryan ross headcanons #ryan ross x reader #panic! at the disco #pre split panic #pretty odd #the bad list #ryan ross x you

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pokemenlovingmen · 1 year

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YAAAY TRANSMASC ACE MAN BLOG!! (IM THAT TOO!!!)

Speaking of ace(sex repulsed ace) how about an x reader with arven were the reader comes out as ace?(trans+gay reader ofc, he/they/it btw! :D)

Btwwww before anyone claims this,,,,, I’ll be,,,,,,, “🐾🦴 dog bone anon” :3

Hi dog bone anon!! With all the ace transmascs I’ve been getting in my inbox it’s pretty clear I’ve found my target audience—and they’re all just like me fr fr.

I’d love to write this coming out story with our favorite sandwich man! I love writing about the queer experience, at least the experience I can say I’m familiar with. Ace acceptance rules :)

A Bit of News — Coming out as ace to Arven

🥪 — Okay point and laugh, give him the olympic medal for jumping to conclusions, when you said you had something “important you wanted to talk privately about” he automatically assumed the worst.

🥪 — Unbeknownst to you, he might actually be even more nervous than you when you sit down to talk. He doesn’t do well with sudden news.

“So, Arv… uh, I don’t know how else to say this. But I talked it through with some friends, and you’re my boyfriend, so you deserve to know. I’m… asexual. Y’know…? I really hope it’s not too disappointing to hear… I mean, I don’t want this to change anything about our relationship, but if it’s something that makes it harder to stay together because you’re not comfortable with it or it’s too restricting for you, I understand.”

🥪 — He blinks. You stare at him, biting your lip nervously.

🥪 — Oh, wait… that’s all?

🥪 — He lets out a massive sigh of relief and smiles at you.

“Oh, that’s it? Phew! Sorry, I kinda got nervous there that something really bad had happened. That’s a load off my mind.”

“So, wait, you’re… not upset about the asexual thing?”

“Huh? Why would I be upset about it?”

“Well, it kinda interferes with a big part of a lot of relationships and all…”

“S/O? Do you really think we’d be here, having this conversation, if I was just in it to get you in my bed? There’s probably hundreds of guys out there I could look at and go ‘oh man, he’s so hot’, but there’s only one of you. And I’m not saying I don’t find you hot or anything—but ehh, that’s besides the point—it’s just that there are a billion other things that I like about you past your body. And that’s a billion other reasons to stay with you.”

“Arv, Arceus, you’re too good to me… so you really don’t mind?”

“Definitely not. It’s gonna take way more than that to get rid of me!”

🥪 — After your talk, though (and the deep kiss and wonderful cuddle session that followed), he’s probably got some questions. I imagine he’d be the type to repress his own sexuality for a long time to begin with, so be doesn’t exactly know much about the rest of the LGBTQ+ community. He wants to know more, both to be involved more in the queer community, and also to establish and respect a comfort zone for you!

🥪 — He’s always very polite when he does have questions to ask and always reminds you that you don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. But it’s a lot easier to talk about your sexuality, the way you express it, how you figured it out, how it makes certain things feel, when you have Arven there being so genuinely curious and wanting to learn about these things.

🥪 — You can also tell when he did research because he’ll be confirming some really silly facts about the community with you the next morning (i.e., asking you if you really like cake to confirm the memes he saw online. He sorta conducts himself like a confused grandpa trying to be supportive but not really knowing what to do, and you tell him so. He hates you for saying that. >:| ).

🥪 — So speaking of the classic asexual “I’d rather have cake” meme, you find him baking you cakes with alarming frequency because he thinks he’s being funny.

🥪 — Overall, this really doesn’t alter your relationship with Arven much. You’re still his handsome and perfect boyfriend, which he’ll make known anytime you like. He already loved you so much and like he said, hearing you are ace changes none of that.

“Anyone who would only want you for your body is insane anyway, S/O. Really, only your body? I’m mad at anyone who would think like that and they’re just hypothetical people, like, you’d have to be the dumbest person in the world to get with someone as perfect as you and think your body is the only thing that’s worthwhile. Even if I was disappointed about you being ace, there’s literally hundreds of other things about you to love that mean way more than sex ever could.”

“You’re getting worked up about this.”

“I just—I love you, okay?? And I’m getting upset thinking there’s anyone that would treat you like that!”

“Yeah, you really showed those hypothetical people what for. You tell ‘em, Arven.”

#pokemon x reader #pokemon male reader #arven x male reader #arven x reader #asexual reader #tw sex mention

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donnerpartyofone · 5 months

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i find you unimaginably cool and ive expressed to you before on anon the sentiment that i feel a deep kinship towards you for how you speak so candidly abt your own stupidity (pls dont take that as me calling you stupid) bcuz i feel exactly the same way abt my own stupidity and hate when ppl try to talk me out of it but ANYways i just saw your post abt writing a novelization of splice and i am literally reeling. i love that weird ass movie so much and i think writing a novelization of it is one of the most off the wall and amazing things ive ever heard of. i hope that you will share when it is published bcuz i cannot wait to read it. pls know that someone out there understands you (or at least understands you as best as someone can thru this parasocial lens of tumblr and how you choose to share yourself there) and that someone out there thinks you are basically what i hope i can be when i grow up. thank you for sharing. thank you for articulating yourself as well as you do (i too have the itch to tell you you are not stupid but bcuz i know how it is i wont do it but besides that, i think you are one of the clearest and most well articulated writers ive ever encountered online or elsewhere). sorry, this all feels insane to type. im off two tallboy ipas and i just think youre great.

Dearest Correspondent,

Oddly enough, just the other day somebody liked an older post of mine, and when I clicked on it to remind myself of what it was, the next post down was your last message. Anyway, thanks! The whole novelization business is really funny. Do people even know what they are anymore? I didn't know anybody still made them until I was hired to do SPLICE. I used to get them from the drugstore sometimes when I was a kid because my parents were very uptight about what I watched, but they wouldn't be caught dead restricting anyone's reading habits. During my initial conversation with the SPLICE publisher, we kind of bonded over our memories of the CHILD'S PLAY 2 novelization, of all things, that seemed to help me a lot in addition to my ideas about what SPLICE should be like on paper. I tend to think of novelizations as just another piece of merch, but when you write them, I don't know, like you really have to live out the movie in your mind over and over again to figure out what the characters are experiencing physically, environmentally, how their emotional experiences affect their bodies, etc. You have to fill in the blanks of what they think and sense just enough to make your transcription convincing, while staying within certain bounds to honor what the filmmaker meant to say. SPLICE started as kind of a lark for me, and then almost immediately it became extremely personal; when I was nearing the end of my first draft I thought, "OK, well, I guess everyone is about to find out how insane I am." I was afraid it just sounded "crazy" and wouldn't be what the publisher was expecting. But after I turned it in, the surprise encouragement I got from actual-Vincenzo Natali was pretty amazing, so maybe it's good! Maybe you really CAN'T tell how crazy I am, and it's just very entertaining. You'll have to wait and see.

Parasocial relationships are tricky, huh, especially here on tumblr dot com. The best thing you can do for yourself is just be very aware that they are happening within you, a test you seem to have passed. I think a lot of us come here seeking understanding of our weirdest parts, but the more you put out there to find the people who get what you're saying, you simultaneously get a lot of reminders that most people have no idea what you're talking about. There will be people who seem to hate you because they've misunderstood you, and there will also be people who love you but whose interactions prove that they have absolutely no idea what you're communicating. I recently culled a bunch of followers because they were just creating a lot of noise, even though they may have meant well, and I was losing the clarity I needed to keep doing this. I started to see every post as a worrisome opportunity to find out how poorly people can possibly read me, and suppressing the urge to re-explain myself every day was becoming exhausting. And ironically, around the same time, I was briefly mutuals with one of my favorite bloggers ever, and just as I thought we were becoming chummy, they unfollowed me. I didn't freak out, actually I just unfollowed them back because I was concerned about being annoying, but I did have all kinds of Thoughts about this event. I have spent a lot of time reviewing what my projections were about that person, and what my personal investment in their narrative says about me. I think there could be something good to get out of this audit, even though the whole episode is sort of embarrassing. But Tumblr definitely gives you a lot of opportunities to examine your own filters, clean them out once in a while, and get to know yourself a little better--even if other people seem to be getting to know you a little worse! You just have to stick to your own course and see what comes of it.

Uh. What the hell was I saying. I don't know! But I appreciate your messages, I feel "gotten" by them. Some of the follower upheaval recently did involve the way that I process my experience of my own stupidity out loud on here--like I know that sometimes folks are trying to be helpful by contradicting me whenever I sound "negative" (read: realistic), but being told (by strangers) how to feel about yourself and that you're wrong about your own experiences is actually really awful, confusing, frustrating, and undermining. So I don't mind being reminded that my signal is coming through for at least some people. I hope you're doing good this holiday season. I wonder what beers you had, they sound fun!

Good tidings to you,

PS Isn't "on here" a weird phrase? I always feel like a primate when I say it, but I have yet to find a different phrase that conveys the same thing as accurately.

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spoiledlemonsbiggestfan · 2 months

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SORRY I DISAPPEARED

Hello there! It has been way too long since i updated you guys on how i've been doing, and i've probably only got myself to blame on this one. But i have FANtastic news to share! (get it? Cus i'm fan? Genious, i know.) I finally managed to get a job! And a decent one this time, no more cleaning mediocre school halls for me! (Horrayyy!)

So this entire hiatus hasnt been for nothing, i've been very hard at work finally being able to persue the thing i love the most, writting! Now i can officially call myself a journalist instead of an amature blogger. The self-improvement sure is real, love to see it. Sadly, I am constantly restricted from putting my heart and soul onto the paper in favor of transmitting what could be classified as useless information to whoever is bored enough to watch the news. And that constant restrain has made me miss the days of the good ol' Fan blog, so i guess you could say that's the reason i'm here. I've missed writting whatever i want to without the need to always double or triple check my work, its fun to not worry if every single word i type fits into my current streams of thought and stuff like that. But you don't wanna hear about all of that do you? You wanna hear about the funny stories! The authentic work experience i have gained! Atleast i hope so, because if not then youre probably in the wrong blog. But if that IS what you came here for, bluckle up bukaroo because im about to tell all about the working woes and friendly foes!

First off the job aplication process was VERY off-putting, my 2 future bosses took care of the interview and they asked... odd questions. They were also always a little too...rude. But thats ok! Nothing that i havent already handled. On the job i have met some interesting personalities such as suitcase! (I was given permission to state her name, duh) suitcase is very kind and funny, but she also has social anxiety, which is weird considering she is one of the few reporters we have, the type that usually goes out, interviews others and deals with harsh weather conditions for some reason. Suitcase is always busy going from one place to another so she can grab the needed fotage, and since im normally the one who writtes her scripts, i get to go with her sometimes! The news channel utilises this totally not ominous and cramped mini-van to cary all of the needed equipment and people. Surprisingly enough, my supervisor is the one who drives the van! She's quite chill, her voice is so smooth that i have to stop myself from yawning when i'm around her. Dont get on her bad side though, i once saw her almost yell at our make-up artist. Speaking of that, they both have some weird relationship going on, i genuinely have no idea if they are friends or enemies and at this point i am too scared to ask suitcase about it.

Working there is pretty chill, i tecnically dont need to phisically be there but hey, a bit more of social interaction wouldnt hurt. Besides, i wouldnt have met suitcase if i only sent my scripts via e-mail! So its a win-win! What else do i have to say abt work? Hmmm.... oh yea! I have a funny story to share!

On my first few days, suitcase told me that the make-up artist was an extreme chatter-box that preferably likes to "spill the tea" on everyone. But if you've been following this blog for a while now, you'd know that im not really good with understanding these types of frases, so for the longest time i thought that this guy actually spilled tea on people on porpose. (he looks really refined, so i just assumed he would be the kind of guy to like tea) So i, being extremelly cautious to not get tea on my lovely red paper, avoided him for like 5 days straight! He eventually caught on and complained to suitcase about it, she then told me so, and i explained my conundrum to her. After she explained what the frase actually meant, we couldnt stop laughting! I never actually apologised to the guy, i sure hope he doesnt hold grudges!

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wejustvibing · 11 months

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helloooo, i am a very new f1 fan but im british so have always supported lewis (bipoc at the top of his sport, we have to support naturally!). now that i have gotten into the sport & understand etc, it’s hard to watch someone who dominated, struggle soo much with his car and races (through no fault of his own). i know lewis seemed much happier & more confident in the car esp with the upgrades this weekend. i just wondered do you think he has a chance to win races this season, not just 2nd or 3rd but come first? he’s just such an incredible person / sportsman and im gutted that he’s struggling this much

also, i wasn’t around during lewis winning his championships and i know perhaps people were bored eventually of the same person winning however this is my first season watching all the races and im so bored of watching max win! im sorry it probably sounds soo bad but it’s not fun to watch, it’s very very boring like by the time anyone 3rd place and beyond even has a chance to push forward max has like basically won cos he’s like so far ahead 😭 sorry probably not the right terminology but i hope you get the gist

prayers for lewis and that he gets the car he deserves and back to rightfully no.1

winning and losing are a part of any sport so it's not like i'm delusional. i wouldn't mind him not winning had he not been robbed in front of the whole world and then wasn't allowed a chance or the car to fight back. i don't need him to constantly stay winning. but i need closure, revenge, vindication, justice. and all that is possible only with him winning. it's hella selfish i know but that's my reason. who knows if this car is capable enough. we can only hope for at least a win or two on their way up.

yeah, people who didn't support him or merc were probably bored when he was winning. even lewis always wanted there to be more competition. i thoroughly enjoyed it. those were the best times. he never really had total dominance or cakewalk as often as people love to portray though. there were battles with teammates and rivals. their cars were not the most competitive on all tracks so other teams did get some chances. and most importantly, they were not cheating. they were bringing innovation and breakthroughs that others simply couldn't keep up with. despite no budget restriction.

the thing with rbr dominating right now is again rooted in AD21 robbery and cost cap scandal. plus the whole team constantly instigating hate and racial abuse on lewis. so it's a hard pill to swallow. had it been fair and square, life would have been much easier now for both lewis and his fans

#anonymous

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berryunho · 1 year

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Question unrelated to fics/ateez but since you’re in Korea I was wondering if you speak Korean? I’d love to visit in the future but honestly only have a very basic understanding of Korean and that makes me nervous to travel there so if you have any tips on like communicating I would love to hear them! (I hope this makes sense and isn’t weird to ask)

hi hi hi !! not a weird question at all lol !! sorry this got long af so im putting it under a cut LKJSFL;KSDJF

OKAY NOT TO SCARE YOU OBVIOUSLY BUT i would say that im like ... B1 level w korean hehe this is embarrassing af but i definitely thought that i was better than i am JLKFJSDLFKD getting here HUMBLED ME so fast ... like i normally watch kdramas w just korean subtitles and comprehend it well enough as long as the vocab isn't too obscure or specific and i can read ... alright ... like probably not a newspaper but the average like. fancafe announcement or whatever i can read ... BUT THE ISSUE COMES W LISTENING AND SPEAKING . without subtitles ... my ass is lost. like i feel like im only getting the gist of whats being said to me and not what's actually being said like . 75% of the time (and a lot of the time i have straight up no idea) . and when i DO fully understand what's being said it takes me a few seconds to process and by then the person talking assumes idk what's going on LJKSKDLF and i can speak ... pretty okay i think it just takes me a few seconds to put sentences together which obviously isnt natural speech at all and it makes having a convo pretty awkward/hard ... BUT LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN . this really only goes for like ... school related conversations ive had . basic interactions are SO easy tbh

SO LIKE THAT ALL BEING SAID . you really dont have to interact w korean people all that much if you're just traveling/visiting . like ... only when you're at a store or restaurant are you really speaking/listening and from what i've encountered in seoul most places/people are really nice and/or accommodating to foreigners !! like they'll be patient w you and try their best to explain something if you're not understanding (side note. i am NOT a partier [imagine that] so idk anything about clubs/bars lol but id assume its the same tbh) !! i was super super nervous about this at first bc like . obviously you dont want to look dumb . but ive encountered literally 0 rude people and its really not all that hard to communicate even if your korean isnt super amazing hehe hand gestures go a long way fr ! and if you can speak just a little bit it definitely goes a long way hehe

tips from someone thats lived here for 6 days:

1. at least know how to read hangul or you're really gonna be lost

2. at a store the cashier is gonna say like 5 or 6 things MAX to you in this exact order (1) hello [안녀하세요] (2) do you need a bag [포장이 필요하세요?] (3) how are you paying (and they wont ask if you have your card in your hand) [계산은 어떻게 하시겠습니다?] (4) do you have a membership (only at like big chains lol and half the time they dont ask if you're outwardly foreign) [멤버십은 있으세요? or like 포인트를 적립하세요?] (5) do you want a receipt [영수증이 필요하세요?] (6) thank you and goodbye [감사합니다 안녕히가세요] and like . 2/3rds of the time theyll just ask you in english if you want a bag or receipt . and if you have no clue what they're saying you can just say 아니요 to every question and it'll probably be fine JSKFJSLDFK

3. in a restaurant when the 이모님 looks expectantly at you hold up however many people are with you on your fingers and she'll hook you up and then feel free to just point at the menu to order or spice it up w the "[blank] [number of servings you want]개 주세요" and then they'll probably ask if you want a drink or tell you if the water & side dishes are self serve [반찬이고 물은 셀프입니다] ! if you have any dietary restrictions make sure you know how to ask if there's anything in the food lol like i dont eat pork so ill ask like [혹시 이갓에 돼지고기 들어가 있어요?] if im sus but most of the time itll say what meat you're getting when you order food lol but you can also say like [혹시 이것에 돼지고기 빼 줄 수 있을까요?] to ask them to take something out (LAKJSDFDLKSJ SORRY IDK HOW GOOD YOUR KOREAN IS SO JUST TO BREAK THAT DOWN YOU SAY LIKE "혹시 [food you're ordering]에 [thing you dont eat] 들어가 있어요?" if that makes sense KLAJLSDKFJF)

4. at a cafe or like fastfood restaurant the menu will typically be numbered and again you can just ask for the number ... and like one of my roommates is lactose intolerant so she asks if they have other milks sometimes just by going 무슨 우유가 있어요? and we dont know if thats the right way to ask but they know what we're trying to ask KJSFLKDJF

5. overall tip is to just ... not be nervous lol like yes i still vibrate when im interacting w someone in any context bc im so nervous theyll say something idk but ... its really not the end of the world if you dont get 100% of whats happening ! and like the milk thing like ... theyll get what you're trying to say most of the time ! and people are very nice ! and in seoul a lot of workers honestly speak basic english and/or will try their best to help you regardless of the language barrier

6. also the subway and buses all make announcements in korean and then in english so dw about that (also the kiosks where you can buy tmoney cards have an english option) (as do most kiosks here lol)

7. papago translator is a godsend

SO YEAH SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG WINDED IDK ALKSDJFKASDJFKL feel free to ask anything else lol i hope this was helpful and overall i highly recommend coming and i think you would definitely be fine even if you didnt speak any korean at all tbh :]

and also one more side note I am white which clearly impacts how people treat me here and I'm sure other foreigners might have different experiences but this has been mine !!

#anon #answered #lauren is in korea #that'll be my korea tag yeah #LKSJDFKSJDF #I REALLY HOPE THIS IS HELPFUL LOL #if there are mistakes in this pls correct me lol #okay bye

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tkaulitzlvr · 5 months

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could you do one where y/n's boyfriend cheats on her and tom is there to help? can be angst, fluff, or smut

BETTER THAN HIM - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: after your boyfriend cheats on you, you find yourself dialling tom’s number, having nobody else to turn to. despite the two of you not being on great terms after ending things almost a year ago, he cares for you without second thought, though not in the way you had first expected.

content: fluff & smut

a/n: this won the poll that i put up by a veryyy large margin, so here u go!! some people did ask for the shower fluff in my inbox, so don’t worry i will be posting that next for the people that voted for it!! hope u enjoy, so sorry for not posting in a while!💗

tears cascade down my soft cheeks, already a deep shade of red from the december breeze, though the harshness of its bite is nothing compared to the sadness which habituates deep within my stomach, the sinking feeling not easing even when i exit the house of my - now ex - boyfriend, the task seeming to take centuries as i sought to escape the second i laid eyes on the scene in front of me. his hands all over her, body hovering above her own, soft pants leaving his lips, her own attacking his neck feverishly - the entire scene replays in my mind, though despite the unmistakable truth of it all, i still fail to process any of it - from the incoherent shouting that i had thrown his way, to his rushed attempts to redress himself and provide some sort of explanation, muttering broken promises of ‘it’s not what it looks like’ and ‘i love you’s, to my shaken legs carrying myself to my car which is parked just outside of his house - leading me to the present.

and the clearly shaken state the situation has put me in is evident, only seeming to drive me out of control as my trembling hands move from the wheel where they had been resting, or more so clutching onto - so much that my knuckles had turned a faint shade of white. my slender fingers dig into my pocket, tears still staining my face with a painfully soul-crushing reminder of the situation, bloodshot eyes tinted with a glossy blanket, restricting my vision as i press the small button on the side, the screen lighting up in front of me. body moving far ahead of my mind, miles in front of any time that could buy myself a chance to think rationally, my fingers tap hurriedly against the screen, pressing the keypad without second thought, dialling the one number i swore i would never call again. my thumb touches the green button in the corner, hand bringing the phone up to my ear, the rhythmic beeping reminding me that it is far too late to go back now. after a few painful seconds, the beeping stops, replaced with a familiar voice on the other end, its tone bringing me both comfort and pain as thousands of memories soon flood through my mind.

“hello?”

his voice is soft, just as i had remembered it, laced with expected confusion, the way we had ended things certainly not warranting a random call almost a year after we had parted ways, especially when we had gone months without any contact.

“tom? i- are you busy? do you think i could come over? i’m so sorry…i just-” my speech is incoherent, interrupted every few seconds as i choke on my tears, sudden heavy breaths making it even more difficult to understand what i am saying.

“woah woah woah, slow down. you want to come over?” somehow he understands my request through my loud sobs, evident bewilderment in his tone as he stops, silence taking over the line as i swallow harshly before speaking.

“i’m sorry for calling you like this. i just- i didn’t know who else to speak to. jesus christ, im a mess.” i mumble, head falling backward to rest against the seat, eyes squeezing shut as i begin to regret dialling his number in the first place. though he isn’t as cold as i had imagined, his voice laced with concern more than anything, seemingly worried about me despite his total lack of obligation to have even picked up the phone.

he pauses, the line going temporarily quiet, the awkward silence soon destroyed as he lets out a heavy sigh before clearing his throat. “i’m at bill’s place. i’ll drive home now, i won’t be long.” his speech is followed by the sound of a car door slamming shut, the faint hum of an engine sounding throughout the phone.

my eyes widen at his quick acceptance, expecting to be shut down as soon as i had called. he owes me nothing, having every right to decline my call and block my number, yet he seems to care, willing to put whatever he has going on aside, the realisation of this temporarily curing the sadness taking over my mind.

“thank you, tom. i really appreciate it.” my speech is still slurred from the tears which fail to slow, eyes still bloodshot and body shaken, making it harder to show my genuine appreciation, though his next words soon take away that worry, my heart tugging at its strings.

“i’ll see you soon. drive safe, okay?”

the line cuts off as i bring my phone away from my ear, letting it rest in my lap. my fingers rush to wipe the tears away from my cheeks, the task totally pointless as they continue to fall, my anger somehow unable to wither despite tom’s quick attempt to be there for me. i turn the keys into the ignition, the engine soon starting as i pull out onto the road, taking one final glance at the house beside me, wanting nothing more to erase its existence from my memory. the drive to tom’s place is quick, my mind able to direct me to the familiar house without any real thought, the directions seemingly imprinted in my mind as it soon comes into view.

his car is already parked in his driveway, signalling that he was serious when he had said he was leaving bill’s place right away. i hesitantly pull up outside, leaving the car and locking it behind me, walking toward his front door as i had countless times. only now it feels different, because i can’t expect to be greeted with open arms, to be showered with kisses - all that can be guaranteed is tom’s presence, the nature of it yet to be discovered, though something tells me that he won’t be as warm as i am hoping. my hand reaches upward, knocking against the front door a few times, before stepping backward and waiting silently, quiet sniffles leaving my lips as i have failed to calm my sobs.

the door opens slowly after a few seconds, tom’s mouth falling open once he processes my state, the momentary harsh gaze quickly being replaced with one of concern as his entire expression softens. silence indulges the both of us, unsure of who should speak first, and what to even say. how do you welcome your ex-girlfriend into your home after she calls you without any explanation after almost a year? and on my end, how the fuck do i even begin to explain why i am here?

his presence alone is enough to bring more emotion than i had already experienced, my eyes watering once again, breathing speeding up as the tears fall at a much faster pace, gaze falling to the ground as i try to prevent tom from seeing me like this. though my attempt is unsuccessful, tom quick to react. and despite the abnormality of the situation, nothing can prepare me for his next move, me being here seeming totally normal in comparison for his bold action. his arms wrap securely around my frame, one hand moving upward tentatively to run through my hair.

my body tenses up, unsure of how to react to his sudden affection, though it doesn’t take long for me to melt into his embrace, arms wrapping around his back, head falling further into his chest as his chin rests on top of it.

“shhh, it’s okay. i’m here, i’ve got you.” he whispers, thumb running up and down my lower back comfortingly, doing so until my sniffles begin to soften, small hiccups soon diminishing into calm breaths. it is when he registers my calm state that he pulls back, eyes soft and filled with concern as he gestures toward the inside of his house, quickly making me aware that we are still standing on his porch.

“c’mon, let’s go inside. you must be freezing.”

i nod weakly in response, following him inside the house as he closes the door behind me. everything is as it was before i had left. the place is slightly messy, random guitars dotted around the living room, cushions messily placed on the couches, his shoes scattered around the doorway. a small smile creeps upon my lips at the familiarity, finding comfort in witnessing his small habits, realising that little had changed.

“you want a drink, some water or anything?”

his voice snaps me out of my train of thought, my eyes meeting his gaze as he looks at me from the other side of the living room, just about to enter the kitchen that joins onto it.

“i’m good, thanks.” i decline, standing awkwardly in the doorway, unsure of what to say, hating that things are so tense between us. he nods briefly, hand reaching out to gesture toward the couch as he walks over to it, sinking into the cushions. “come on, sit.”

i hesitantly walk over, taking a seat beside him, hands reaching upward to wipe the tears that still roll down my cheeks, the room silent beside from my small sobs.

“lets talk.” he begins, turning to face me and shuffling slightly closer, reducing the large gap between us. “what’s wrong?”

“i walked in on my boyfriend fucking someone else.” i mutter bluntly, the verbal confirmation on what i had saw only making the realisation harder to swallow, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. i purse my lips, finally making eye contact with tom. his look of concern is quickly replaced by one unmistakable for anything else but pure anger - jaw clenched, eyes dark and heavy as they stare at the ground, his hands locked together firmly.

“you had a boyfriend?” his voice is low, almost frightening as jealousy edges his question, clearly bothered by the fact that i had been with someone else.

“yeah, why?” i respond, eyebrows furrowing at his question, intending for my own response to come out less harshly, though given the circumstances, he doesn’t seem mad at my own cold tone.

“nothing i just- didn’t think you would’ve moved on already.” his confession surprises me, a sinking feeling forming in my stomach as i begin to feel somewhat guilty, not expecting him to care that i had found someone else, the breakup seemingly still a fresh wound for him.

i stay quiet, unsure of how to respond, the silence soon replaced by tom’s voice as he speaks again, sensing the discomfort that his statement had brought. “i’m sorry he did that to you. he didn’t deserve you anyways.”

i tear my eyes away from his own, feeling my lip quivering, cheeks turning a light shade of red as i shake my head, any mention of him still a sensitive subject. my body shakes silently as i sob, eyes fixed on the ground as i wish that it would swallow me up, my leg bobbing up and down anxiously. through my cries, my ears pick up on the sound of tom getting up, my body soon being lifted up and placed into his lap, his arms taking my legs and wrapping them firmly around his waist. my tears soak into his baggy t-shirt - not that he seems to mind, his focus is on comforting me in any way possible. his hands soothingly rub up and down my back, lips placing quick kisses into my hair as he mumbles words of consolation.

after a few minutes, his pointer finger moves under my chin, lifting it upward, leaving our faces now inches apart. his gaze is soft, gentle and almost comforting in itself, the familiarity of his dark brown eyes staring into mine acting as some form of consolation, though the majority comes from his steady embrace, the strength of it failing to diminish as he keeps me in his arms, only his face seems to be moving closer and closer to my own.

he pauses only when his lips are ghosting over my own, the coldness of his small metal piercing brushing over the skin briefly. i can sense the visible hesitation, his mouth parted slightly, shallow breaths escaping it as he remains so close that i can feel him, every emotion, every thought that runs through his mind, i can gauge it myself.

though his uncertainty is only short lived, soon replaced with actions nothing short of purposeful, with every ounce of intent behind them, his lips connecting with mine in a soft kiss. he is gentle, taking my bottom lip in his mouth carefully, the kiss trailing dangerously on the line between passionate and heated, never crossing that line as he pulls back, resting his forehead against my own.

“can i tell you something?” he mutters against my lips, voice just above a whisper. and when i don’t respond, he pecks my lips once more before continuing.

“you don’t know how much it hurts me that some other guy got to have you to himself. but it breaks my fucking heart to know that he did this to you.” he pauses, eyes falling shut for a few seconds as he shakes his head, hands finding their way to my face, resting softly on either side. “i hate that he hurt you. drives me fucking crazy.”

tears line my eyes at his confession, whether it be from the vulnerability that my emotions bring, or the power that his words hold. his thumbs reach to wipe the tears as they fall, lips moving to kiss a few away, the soft touch of his kiss soothing me in the most beautiful way possible. though nothing comforts me more than his next words, eyes widening as soon as he utters them.

“i still love you.”

he seems surprised at his own confession, mouth parting slightly as he attempts to figure out my reaction, silently praying that i will confess the same thing. though when i stay silent, he soon rushes to fix his words, eager to apologise for them, mistaking my silence for unreciprocated love.

“fuck i’m sorry- i shouldn’t have-”

his rushed apology is quickly cut off by my lips pressing against his own, silencing the unnecessary speech before he can continue. the kiss is quickly reciprocated as he attempts to deepen it, pressing his lips onto mine much harsher than before, silently signalling towards something more than just an innocent kiss.

“i love you too.” i mutter against him, this enough for him to pull away, a small smile tugging on his lips.

his eyes, deep and enticing, flicker continuously between mine and my lips, desire soon taking over as i watch them turn from loving to lustful, not having time to comprehend this change as he forces his lips onto mine one again. the kiss is filled with desperation, fast and eager, different from the one we shared earlier. he craves more - and so do i. this silent agreement is all he needs to deepen the kiss, placing one hand on the back of my head, using it to pull me even closer to him.

his hands latch onto my waist, pulling himself into me, our actions a mirror to our hunger for each other as our mouths become intertwined, our bodies linked and our hearts aching for more. longing to feel him even closer than i already am, i latch onto the soft material of his t-shirt, pulling it past his chest and over his head, momentarily breaking the kiss to throw it carelessly onto the floor beneath us, my self-control disappearing with it as my eyes momentarily glance down his chest, hands following my gaze as they travel down the soft skin.

he hovers over me, one hand in my hair as he kisses me deeply, the other propping himself up, careful not to hurt me. the way he touches me, the way each moment of contact electrifies each nerve, intensifying the feeling and making me feel more alive than ever only heightens my desperation, hands pulling him downward so we are pressed together, nothing but the thick air between us. our clothing acts as a barrier, only slowing the process as i become more and more needy, tom reciprocating my neediness as he pulls my hoodie over my head, briefly breaking the kiss before reconnecting my lips with his, raking my shorts and panties down in one swift motion, his own underwear soon following.

without warning, he flips us over, his back resting against the couch as he sits down, placing me on top of him and beginning to kiss my collarbone, my legs instinctively wrapping around his torso as i begin to slowly rock against him.

“you’re so beautiful baby." he mutters against my skin, kissing hungrily wherever his lips can access, the feeling temporarily taking away the ability to process his words, breathy moans leaving my lips as i savour the feeling of his mouth working against me.

he pulls away momentarily, grabbing my hips and lifting them over him, gazing into my eyes, soon picking up on the worry that takes over my expression.

"don't worry, just ride." he whispers, his forehead against mine. the feeling of his skin touching mine, eyes gazing into my own is enough reassurance, my head nodding in response, tom slowly lowering me downwards as i am filled up almost instantly, the feeling causing my breath to hitch, a choked moan escaping from his parted lips. pain surges through me, my body not used to his size, having not been intimate with him for so long. he senses this quickly, stopping and caressing my cheek whilst he is halfway inside me.

"are you okay?" he asks against my lips, one hand placed securely on my lower back as he slowly moves it up and down in an attempt to comfort me. "we can stop if you want to, just say the word schatz."

the thought of ruining this moment seems completely foreign to me, my head instantly shaking in response. i place a quick kiss on his lips in an attempt to reassure him, hands moving flat against his chest to steady myself.

“i'm fine, just hold on." i manage to muster out, the pain slowly subsiding with each second he remains inside me, his small moans acting as motivation to fully sink down onto him inch by inch, my head tilting backwards in pleasure whilst his nuzzles into my chest.

"oh god..." he groans, maintaining a secure hold on my hips as he begins to move me up and down, my body rocking back and forth whilst begin a slow rhythm. seeing his lips parted, forehead glistening with sweat, eyes closed and breathing uneven is almost enough to send me to my climax itself, the look of pure ecstasy on his face pushing me to keep going, moans eliciting from the back of my throat with each movement.

he attaches his lips to mine quickly, stopping any sound from escaping my mouth as it is soon merged with his, my movements now irregular, body becoming tired. it takes only a few seconds for him to begin thrusting upwards into me, hitting the spot where i long for him most, causing me to collapse forwards onto his chest. my hands wrap around his neck, touching any part of him that I can get access to, my mind struggling to grasp that this is reality - the pleasure so overwhelming that everything is a blur.

yet the hold he has on me, the way he moves in and out of me so perfectly confirms the truth of the situation, the strength of his hands clutching onto my hips definitely leaving marks. however i am too hazy to care, my vision clouding, hands raking down his back as i waste no energy in attempting to mask my screams.

"i'm close." he mutters against me, quickly flipping me over so that i am withering helplessly beneath him, a puppet attached to his strings, more than happy to be endlessly devoted to him, because a life without him is not one that i am able to live, whether it is intimate moments like this, or simple ones in which i am blessed with his presence, i crave him. like a drug, i am addicted, failing to function without him.

he begins to thrust harder and faster, his lips attacking my neck with such intensity that purple-ish marks begin to form in place of the sun-kissed skin. and all it takes is a few deep thrusts to bring him to his release, his dick twitching before releasing inside of me, this soon triggering my own as i pull his face to rest against mine, our foreheads touching whilst his eyes gaze into mine, my mouth falling open as he rides out our highs, collapsing above me and resting his head in the crook of my neck, planting frequent short kisses onto the skin.

his hands stroke my hair, my body instinctively leaning into his touch, the sound of his heavy breathing against my skin only fuelling my lethargic state as my eyes flutter closed.

“i love you so much schatz.” he whispers into the comforting silence, a lazy smile spreading across my face in response. “i promise i’ll never let you get hurt again.”

"i love you too." i reply, looking up to find his eyes already on me, my face leaning in towards his as i plant a soft yet passionate kiss on his swollen lips, reaffirming my love for him despite the verbal confirmations just seconds before. and i soon realise that this is real love, not what i thought i had with him, what i had witnessed earlier on seeming more and more insignificant with each second that i spend within tom’s embrace.

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

#tomkaulitz #tokiohotel #kaulitz twins #tom kaulitz x reader #tom kaulitz fluff #tom kaulitz #tom kaulitz smut #kaulitz #tom kaulitz angst #bill kaulitz

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kittiesjournal · 1 year

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My Autistic Journey

It is typical to hear from autistic people that they grew up knowing that they were weird, different and out of place with other individuals and in social groups, and I am not excluded from that experience, however I wasn't the most aware of it as I grew up. I thought my differences were simply because I had different interests, hobbies and personality, not that my excessive “shyness”, restrictive and repetitive behaviours and sensory preferences weren’t something that would magically disappear when I got older. I remember having fantasies of how popular I would be when I got to high school… I was so terribly wrong.

I won't lie, my memory sucks, I have a lot of trouble remembering autistic traits I had experienced in my early childhood. I find myself struggling to remember a lot of things from growing up unless I had paid special attention to those moments in time. However, the first moment I realised that I could be autistic was in Year 10, I spent so much time researching every single symptom I could. This revelation sparked a grand understanding of myself and I finally felt as if I could see myself better. The mirror before was always cloudy but now, I could now clearly see the glimmer in my eyes; a part of my true self.

Things began to fall into place, this was the reason I felt so alien to the world around me, why I felt like I had never belonged anywhere. The year prior to my revelation; the dreaded year 9, was the worst year in my schooling. With an increase in my anxiety and depression, being bullied and being incredibly disconnected from my friend group at the time, it is no shock to why it was the worst. My social confidence and my skills are definitely lacking due to being autistic however the way i was treated within my old friend group did not help. I was constantly shut down and complained about when I would infodump about my interests, and excluded frequently. Now briefly, i would like to mention a funny little tale of my primary school years;

If I had a dollar for every time i was abandoned by my friends during break times after I had been in the bathroom, then not being able to find them and ending up crying to my sister, I would have $2, which isn’t a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

This, in my high school experience, transformed into being excluded from group plans and told things like “omg sorry we forgot to add you to the group chat - we totally will though”. Loneliness was my truest friend in that group. Although I had put on a mask constantly in hopes to be treated the same as the individuals in the group, I ended up, during break times, simply not talking. There would be maybe a couple words in response to questions but that was the first instance in my life my anxiety and uncomfortability caused me to become frequently non (or at least low) verbal.

In response to my experiences with that friend group, I found myself repressing who I was and what I loved. I am still to this day afraid of info-dumping and often apologise after I catch myself doing it. I mask so much it instead feels fake when I am being my autistic self, I believe I lost touch with myself. I felt so disconnected from people that it became hard to feel like I was truly friends with anyone. Many nights were spent crying because I am not normal, not like everyone else. I begged the universe to let me be normal. But of course, because im autistic, my brain just wasn’t built ‘normal’, I don’t understand how to socialise, I don’t understand non-verbal communications and don’t even get me started with understanding emotions. I could not understand why I couldn’t bond with people the same way they did with each other and often questioned why everyone was closer with each other than I could ever experience. I know that even now, I don’t think I could ever feel and experience friendship the way everyone does, and I missed out on that crucial part of life. It's like I'm on a different plane of existence, akin to the artificial intelligence in media that other characters may care for but never in the same, human way they bond with each other. Some nights I still cry. Some days I'm still extremely lonely.

In spite of all my troubles and loneliness I was lucky to find some light, in my later years of schooling and to the present time, I have some pretty amazing friends and I am slowly learning how to exist in friendships while being my more authentic autistic self. Weirdly enough, these friends are all likely to be Neurodivergent (i helped them realise) and i guess that makes it easier. Even though I have these amazing friends, I'm still learning how to be myself around them and I still at times feel disconnected - not knowing how to socialise and my other autistic struggles don’t just disappear. There have been many occurrences where I have completely fumbled and messed up in these friendships but they understand me better than any other friends I have had.

Some quick acknowledgements of two important people in my life;

I have had one consistent friend since year 4; my best friend and I am grateful for you, that you’ve been by my side while I've been figuring all of this out. Also I'm sorry that you’ve had to coincide with my autistic self since we were 10 (sorry i made you reenact frozen everyday).

And in addition to friendships, romantic relationships are another terrifying territory. I don’t know the right things to say, how often to talk and how to keep conversations flowing, flirting is a mystery, and I don't know how to show my feelings and at times it may seem harder to tell if I care. But, I promise I will. To my girlfriend, my dearest, I'm sorry and thank you for being kind and patient, for always supporting and encouraging me in all my ‘quirkiness’.

These experiences, my mistakes, help me grow everyday and due to the extensive support of those around me I felt encouraged and confident enough to seek a diagnosis for my autism. However my journey of getting a diagnosis was extremely rocky. The first time I had brought up my thoughts on me being autistic to my mother I was met with a “why” and silence, the second time she asked if I wanted to try and get a diagnosis - I obviously said yes. This began my experience with the company Autism SA. I completed a self-referral application to get an appointment, I was sent paperwork and forms to fill and send back, and was told I would have to be on the waiting list for 18 months. In the end I didn't have to wait the full 18 months, I got my appointment, I went in at 9:30am on the 6th of February and that afternoon I realised this was one of the worst days of my life. They told me I didn't meet the criteria (in the feedback report I received on a later date they wrote that I met none of the criteria - the biggest lie I have ever heard). The appointment was fraudulent, I felt so uncomfortable and anxious because this was something I had never done before with complete strangers, so I masked. They sat me in a room constructed for young children, just me and the speech pathologist and she asked me questions, but nothing too in depth about my autistic experiences. It was obvious she only knew autism as the basic textbook version of male-aligned traits, it was obvious that she; a neurotypical, allistic individual would never understand me. I have many regrets that day, i should have said more about my traits and experiences, shown a list of them, let myself not mask for once in my damn life - maybe then things would have been different and i would be sitting here writing about how great it is to be able to receive help and be understood. Instead, that afternoon, I cried and cried and cried. For the first time in a while I cried in my mothers arms, I think in that moment she truly understood the autistic me. I had never felt so invalidated and unheard in my life, i felt more depressed and alone than i ever felt just existing as an autistic person in this unfit world. I still feel that way anytime i think about that day for too long, it's hard to write this all down. Autism SA told me it was most likely “just anxiety”, like what many AFAB individuals are told when they are actually autistic, as if my anxiety doesn’t stem from my autistic traits and struggles.

This terrible moment in my life was of course not the end, life flows on and I had to as well- so I wrote a 5000 word document on all of my autistic traits to prove them wrong (i sent it to the psychologist who had been in charge of my assessment).

After getting out the frustration and needing to feel validated for my experience, I am in a better state of mind. I read Chloé Hayden’s book Different, Not Less (and watched so many of her YouTube videos) and I felt seen, I felt inspired. So now, in my present self, I am learning to be my truest self, my special interests are accepted; I am creating art everyday and now I'm writing too. I let myself stim in around others and in public, i don't ignore my sensory struggles and instead i make accommodations and seek support for them. I can notice when I am burnt out and I take care of myself when I am. There has been so much I have struggled with in terms of my autism but I can write about those another time, for now this is one step. Now I am and always will be honest about who I am. I am autistic.

#blog #blog post #autism #actually autistic

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honeymilkk00 · 3 years

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Haikyuu Boys: You Flinch

Pt 2

@silver-argent : Hii! I super looooove the way you wrote Haikyuu Boys: You flinch, perfect amount of angst to fluff! Are you taking requests? If you are, will you please do a Sakusa and Kenma? the you flinch. It's okay if you don't tho! I'll still look forward to your works!❤❤

tysm for the encouraging words!! my requests are open and im more than happy to do Sakusa and Kenma jewbjkew. i hope you enjoy. i'm literally so tired and just wanted to finally get this out <3

characters:

-sakusa

-kenma

___________________________

Sakusa

Dating Sakusa was the last thing you ever thought would happen to you. He filled your days and nights with such love and passion. You had broken through his stoic and cold shell and had seen him for who he truly was deep inside- a loving partner through and through.

Of course, old habits die hard. Since he had spent years of his life being a reserved person, only putting up with his family and teammates, he still was very hesitant when it came to affection. Sometimes all he wanted to do was to be alone with his thoughts and nothing else. It hurt to see him like that, knowing that no matter what, you couldn’t help him, but you understood and gave him the time he needed.

Five months into yours and his relationship had lead to a few disputes, but nothing too serious. He was a prideful, headstrong man which lead to you having to bite your tongue during arguments and keep your snarky words to yourself, refusing to let them slip off the tip of your tongue. If they did, the argument would escalate.

You loved Sakusa for everything he was, bad parts and good, but sometimes he was too much.

And, that’s how you were here, biting your lip harshly as you stare at him, refusing to let your anger get the best of you.

Sakusa had been coming home quite late due to volleyball practise, but it got to the stage where you were scared that he was doing to overwork himself and injure himself. Instead of letting it slide, you confronted him about it and suggested that he should take some time to let his body heal from the strenuous training regimen that he was doing. It seemed that Sakusa wasn’t in the best of moods and had snapped at you, shooting abhorrent words towards you as if you were nothing but a pile of shit, accusing you of restricting him from reaching his full potential and trying to turn him away from volleyball because you were too clingy for his liking.

“Fucking hell (Y/N), you’re so fucking clingy! Just because you’re an attention whore and want me to worship you doesn’t mean you can try and take me away from what I love doing. You’re so fucking obsessive it’s driving me crazy!” Sakusa bellowed and clenched his hands together, his nails digging into his hands.

Taking a deep breath to keep yourself as calm as possible, you spoke in a soft tone, “Omi, I’m not trying to keep you from anything. I just think you should rest your body before you overwork yourself and become ill or injure yourself. I know you want to improve but that can happen gradually over time. I doesn’t need to happen all at once.” You murmured and gently placed a hand on his, trying to reassure him.

Letting out a deep, angered growl, Sakusa pulled away from your grip harshly and pushed your hand away, “don’t fucking touch me! You’re fucking disgusting! All you do is hold me down and try and control my life, you obsessive pest!” He hollered out.

His words ripped open your chest and stabbed you in the heart repeatedly. You felt like you were choking on your own heartbeat. It hurt knowing that your lover found you disgusting. A strong feeling of rage surged through your veins. “How fucking dare you, Sakusa! I’ve done nothing but tried to help you and all you do is treat me like shit. Every time we argue I have to bite my tongue because I know that if I retaliate, you’ll just get even more angry. I can’t express how I feel to you anymore and I feel as if I don’t matter in this relationship. If you want to overwork yourself and injure yourself then fine, go ahead, but don’t blame me for saying I told you so after it’s happened!”

His eyes narrowing at your words, Sakusa swiftly turned to glare at you and raised his fist, poking your chest aggressively, “Fine, I will then because I’m not letting you control me anym-” He paused mid sentence, his eyes widening when he noticed you flinching when he raised his hand. Slowly, he lowered his hand and dropped them at his sides. Your shaking figure made his heart clench painfully tight. “(Y/N) I-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Sakusa.” You voice whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled quietly. “I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can’t handle feeling like I’m walking on egg shells with you. I can’t handle being afraid of how you’ll react when I speak about how I feel. I just can’t do this anymore.” You voice got quieter and quieter the more you spoke. Looking up at Sakusa, you swallowed thickly. “I can’t do us anymore.”

Sakusa was frozen, watching you carefully. It was deathly silent. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his heartbeat beating rapidly.

“I’ll pick up my things tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Atsumu’s for the night.” You whispered and turned away, heading towards the front door.

A small, almost whine-like noise left Kiyoomi’s mouth. He reached out and clasped your hand gently, tears forming in the corner’s of his eyes. “Please.” He begged quietly.

Looking back at the man you loved, your heart shattered into small pieces when you noticed his dampened eyes. Never had you seen him cry before. “What is it?” You asked quietly, biting the inside of your cheek.

Sakusa pulled you in tightly for a hug and pressed his lips against your cheek gently. “Please don’t leave. Please please please… I’m so so sorry (Y/N).. I didn’t mean anything I said. I love you and I’m grateful for everything you do for me. I’ve just had a really bad day. Please I love you. Please don’t leave. You’re my baby... “ He pleaded softly and held you tightly, as if afraid that you’d disappear if he let go.

Letting out a sigh, you caved in. You were still mad at him but at the end of the day, you loved Kiyoomi more than anything else. You would give up everything for his happiness. “Kiyoomi...” You whispered softly and then turned around so you were face to face with him. Gently cupping his cheeks, you sighed, “I love you so so much Kiyoomi... But you can’t say stuff like that to me even if you’ve had a bad day. You really really hurt me even though I was just trying to look out for you.” You explained and frowned softly, kissing his tears that resided in the corner of his eyes.

Pressing his lips softly against your hands that rested on his face, he let out a shaky breath that he didn’t realise he was holding, “I know... I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I promise I’ll do better..” He whispered gently and pressed his nose into your hair lovingly. “I love you so much...”

Leaning in closer to Sakusa, you inhaled his scent, “I love you too, Omi..”

He never wanted to see you flinch like that again.

________________________

Kenma

Kenma was an erudite genius when it came to the art of strategy. His deep understanding of the game and the unspoken pledge to win is what drove him forward and kept him reaching, grasping, clutching for new strategic idea that would leave his opponents breathless.

For days, maybe even weeks, on end, Kenma would be researching, training, and repeating the process until he felt confident in his methodology that would be used in a game. Thus, led to a breakdown. After weeks of undereating, lack of sleep, training beyond his physical capabilities, and his mental strain thinking of ways to defeat the opposing team, Kenma was at his wits’ end.

As his partner, you immediately noticed the changes in his personality. Of course, concern was your initial reaction and you were somewhat frightened of irritating him more, but you knew you had to confront him about his lack of self care. Seeing him train during lunch and falling asleep in lessons led you to realise how hard he was working himself.

So, after school you managed to pull him to one side before he proceeded to train at the club. A frown was present on your lips and you took a deep breath. Looking at him now hurt a lot: his eyebags had considerably increased since the last time you saw him; you could now see physically where he had lost weight from undereating for weeks; his eyes seemed a lot duller; his body slouched over slightly, as if it was begging for a break. It was agony to see your partner slowly harm his body and mind like this.

"Kenma, just know I love you so much and I understand that volleyball means a lot to you right now since it's your final year with your team as you know it with Kuroo as captain, but look at yourself. You're not taking care of yourself at all. You aren't helping you or your teammates by undereating and not sleeeping." You murmured gently, taking Kenma's hands in your own. You knew that you had to be careful and not push your boyfriend, but you couldn't let it continue.

Kenma simply frowned at your words and pulled his hand away from yours, "(Y/N), I don't need your lecturing. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself. I don't need you." He hissed out and turned his back on you, proceeding to head to practise. He had no time to waste on pointless conversations.

(Y/N) grinded their teeth together, their heart aching slightly at the harsh words, "I'm not lecturing you, Kenma! I'm doing what a s/o should do and I'm looking out for you! Please just take a small break before you overdo it!" You hallooed, as if that would make the words sink in.

Vexed, Kenma turned around with a deep scowl on his face, "Why don't you just back off, (Y/N)!? I don't care about you right now, all I care about is me and my teammates winning this game!" He shrieked, which caused you to trip back and swallow thickly.

A small whimper escape your lips and tears formed in the corners of your eyes as you flinched. You were normally fine with Kenma's salty attitude, but he never usually shouted at you. Taking a shaky breath, you looked at your boyfriend dead in the eyes, "fine! Do what you want to do! Since you don't care about me I won't bother anymore! Don't you fucking dare come running to me when you overwork yourself and can't handle it anymore!" You retorted and turned away.

Kenma's eyes widened slightly at your words as he watched you turn away. "Wait...." He whispered out, his hand reaching towards yours. Lightly, he grasped your wrist and sighed, pulling you close and burying his head in your shoulder. "'M sorry... I'm just so stressed..." Tears brimmed his eyes and he sniffled softly. "I didn't mean it..."

Letting out a soft sigh, your shoulders relaxed and you pulled your lover in for a cuddle. "I know you didn't mean it baby... But remember your health comes first, volleyball after." You whispered and gently stroked his hair. He simply nodded in response and hugged you tighter.

Maybe you both could work things out. You just need to learn to communicate more.

#haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader #angst #sakusa angst #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x you #kenma #kenma angst #haikyuu kenma #kenma kozume #angst to fluff #haikyuu comfort #requestsopen

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spaceraceart · 2 years

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i was sent one of your posts on classpecting spamton and what you got is very interesting! I roleplay two very distinct spamtons (one from present day, and one from a recovery au immediately from big shot-dom skipping over trashman) and I classpected the one that's more close to canon as a sylph of doom, what do you think about that? :0

sylph of doom... well its on the life/doom dichotomy so i can see that!

so, first things first, from what i know not everyone follows the same theories when it comes to classes (especially with classes that dont have solid definitions like sylph, mage, knight, etc.). back in the day i mainly looked at @/dahniwitchoflight 's stuff, so thats generally where my understanding comes from. @/wakraya is also a pretty good modern theorist from what ive seen and heard (since dahni has... retired? or at least isnt as active anymore). i dont agree with all of wakraya's stuff (i think page is passive while knight is active, and i think of active and passive stuff in a slightly different way), but it might help yall see where i'm coming from in terms of what i know and believe.

anyway. with that out of the way! lemme get to my (very simplistic) analysis of sylph of doom, and how that can relate to spamton!

sylph, with my understanding, is a passive creation class (having maid as the active counterpart, and prince being its inverse). the definition i like to go for is inviting creation, or indirectly creating stuff. they tend to be meddlers who make everything their business, especially when it comes to their aspect. think of aranea constantly sharing information with everyone she could, trying to create information and knowledge. healing terezi’s eyesight, creating sight. she also was obsessed with gaining the spotlight, even to the detriment (and death) of others. they also can be kinda stubborn iirc.

doom, with my understanding, generally alludes to restriction, rules, and suffering. its the opposite of life, which generally deals with growth, luxury, and agency. doomy players are notorious for suffering in some sort of way, but maybe it's a good thing? mituna's suffering and sollux's suffering in the end resulted in pretty neat things iirc. doom aint all bad, especially in the face of too much growth. but of course, when you look at how doom applies to spamton, it is pretty bad. spamton is in a very doomy situation that hes currently trying to escape (tho the positive result of his doom might be the party gaining the shadow crystal? or him gaining NEO? idk)

sylph of doom, someone that invites the creation of doom! they want to create doom (rules, restrictions, suffering) in the ways they see fit. they'll like be obsessed with some sort of facet of doom in some way. maybe theyre obsessed with keeping things in neat little boxes, maybe they’re obsessed with following the rules, maybe they're obsessed with making everyone feel like shit, maybe their obsessed with culling all those who dont deserve to live, etc. (very simplistic analysis since im not the greatest when it comes to this stuff sorry asdghasd)

so! how does it apply to spamton! well, im honestly having some trouble seeing the connection. between doom and life, he seems more obsessed with life in comparison. a lot of his life is filled with doom, but sylphs are more focused on making more of their aspect, not trying to get rid of it like spamton seems to be doing.

(you may think of the idea of sylphs healing doom, aka getting rid of doom, but im not really sure if thats how it works. of course, you may interpret sylph different from me! so you could see sylph of doom spamton as wanting to heal his own doom)

but yeah! i admit i’m somewhat stubborn on spamton being some sort of life player (or maybe even destructive doom), but please if you think spamton is a sylph of doom i definitely aint stopping ya! i love seeing what other people classpect spamton as, even if i may not agree with it. hope ya have fun rping!

#text #spamton #asks #rubsjuice #homestuck #classpect

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gentil-minou · 2 years

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I read the adrien situation post and a quick question, how a person that lives in a house that doesn't really care THAT much about them go to a therapist? I'm asking this because I really want to go to one but I live in a small village and also my family thinks I'm joking when I say I really want to go to one. What do I do? I just have myself to trust here. My family isn't abusive they just put me in the dark mostly of the time but I been feeling pretty unwell for 3 or 4 years in a roll. Now I'm better! But I think I still need to go to a therapist. Can you give me a tip?

okay first of all, i'm so sorry that you've been in that situation for so long and i hope that will change soon, but here's my advice

1. find support in other way. by that i mean communities with people you identify with, whether its fandom or forums for people going through similar things. sometimes it's easy to feel isolated but i promise, there are other's like you out there and they will want to help you.

2. find an adult who you can trust, someone who you can look to for support. this could be someone at your school or an elder or a neighbor, family friend, etc. someone you trust who is looking out for you and who you feel like might understand. and dont be discouraged if it takes a while to find one, it's scary to be vulnerable but as one of those adults who advocate for kids i can honestly say we do exist.

3. im not sure what country you live in, but look into what the laws are for consent for medical services. for instance, in america and the state where i live the legal age for a minor to seek mental health services is 13. this means that if i have a client 13 and older they are able to seek services without their parents permission and i never have to contact their parents (though insurance may find out and contact them, that's why i say look into the rules and restriction in your area)

4. finally, look for other services. outreach groups, school counseling, youth groups, charities, etc. services that are there to support you. if there are none in your area, look online and see if you state/province has anything. it might be hard to find but they are there.

5. and finally, most importantly, remember that while this may be the situation you are in now, it won't be forever. it can feel that way sometimes, it can make you feel really really scared and isolated and afraid, but one day you will get out of there and you will get the support you need. even if it might take a while, you've made it for so long that i know you can keep going

and remember i'm always rooting for you <3 while i cannot offer my services as that is not ethically sound, i am here to tell you that you are loved and valuable and your feelings are valid, and i have every belief and faith that you are going to get the love and support you need one day <3

#asked and answered #mental health

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on-a-lucky-tide · 3 years

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that's such a shame that the fandom ruined jaskier for you for a while! im glad you've found ways to write him that You enjoy because he is a really good character and i agree that the fandom has kind of... hm.. like you said the 'saviour complex' thing. which.. i think stems from people only knowing fanon jaskier and then reusing those traits as opposed to Canon jaskier/dandelion which imo is way better and more interesting to read. and like you said with the 'he can't have faults that aren't quirky', yes! because like.. dandelion is a flawed man, he gets geralt and himself into trouble and is a general nuisance but people tend to.. make him too soft and 'can do no wrong' and that bothers me!! AHH. anyway sorry for the rant but this is something that has bothered me since I started reading the books. anyway! i hope you continue to have fun writing him!!

The fandom does that if you let it guide your enjoyment too much. I left the space that was trying to restrict discussion and feel much better for it. It's so important to find a small group of people that you can write/create anything with. That you know separate actors and characters, and preference around fiction from you as a person.

Fandom isn't a cult. You shouldn't have to like/think/write a certain way to belong, and I would encourage anyone feeling insecure about their interpretations (particularly if they go against the trend) to tag me so I can cheer you on. Even if I disagree with it, I maintain that variety and transformative work is at the heart of fandom. There is no right way, only personal preference. I agree with you about Jaskier/Dandelion being far more interesting when he's a bit icky, but I've also written 'soft' versions at the beginning of lockdown when I needed it the most.

Since moving away from the Jaskier fandom (as a writer) and into the Witcher fandom at large, I've only grown as a writer and been much happier. I still very much adore many of the writers who write Jaskier and I think they're talented, kind, generous (Cake Shop, lookin' at you, beau, along with all the creators on my rapidly growing rec list) and cheer them on. Because they're kind and deserve it.

I've loved the Witcher since Game 1 came out, but I was brand new to fandom, so wanted to interact and wrote what I knew everyone wanted to see. I think a lot of us do that? We want to be friends, we want to geek out, and the easiest way to do that is to write the popular character and the popular ship. We judge our enjoyment by the kudos and the comments, rather than the process (do I love this character? Did I enjoy writing this story? Did my one fandom friend who loves me like this story and squeal with me?) I do this too. I'm getting better at not doing it.

As for changing your perspective after the books, I think this is perfectly normal and good. There are so many canons to choose from and it's great to dabble in all of them (while approaching them all with a critical eye). You can be a fan and still not like all of the thing. And it's super interesting to understand why people don't like things, because it's often rooted in their interpretation/life experience. It's like "woah, we read the same thing but we read it differently and let me in your mind so I can understand". Maybe I'm weird. Dunno.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, Anon. Always happy to chat about preference and interpretation. Enjoy the rest of the books and come scream at me when you get to Lady of the Lake!

#rawrkinanswers #Anonymous #Discourse

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radfemie · 2 years

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hey hope it’s ok to ramble here! i have so many thoughts because i just discovered radical feminism like 3 days ago and holy shit i feel so seen?? like it felt like i was being a bad feminist online for not believing things like applauding the sex work industry even tho it promotes sex trafficking etc.

and also online i’ve been around the rhetoric so much that i decided i identified with she/they pronouns because when i over analyzed my “gender identity” i didn’t really see myself as a women just a person. what?????? what kinda of upside down logic is that??? like are women not people?? anyways reading thru radfem blogs this week has given me so much freedom in my identity!! i am a woman and choosing to identify differently only feeds the stereotypes that women can only be a certain way. i’ve always felt that the issue was the world was imposing and creating gender and not that it was an individual realization?? but seeing it laid out in words is great.

my heart really goes out to trans people because it’s so hard to feel like the body you were born in doesn’t match up with how society views the body you were born in but we need to be tearing down all gender norms not changing gender identities. that’s only gonna perpetuate the problem! the tra logic has frustrated me for so long because i felt like the arguments are so circular. and in the same breath that we are promoting body positivity and self-love, we are affirming people to believe that they’re bodies are wrong and to consider invasive and unnecessary surgeries to change them….how is that not contradictory?? all bodies are incredible as is! full stop! also like im jealous of people all the time! like gosh i wish i was taller and i wish i could run as fast as my brother does…but just because i want those traits doesn’t give me permission to claim them. and doing so would be a delusion because even if i say im taller and say im faster it doesn’t make it so.

also where do we draw the line? all these increasingly micro specific genders and sexualities? like it feels like a farce it feels a mockery of the LGB it feels like complicating the most simple question. placing restrictions and labels and categories on oneself in order to what? give yourself permission on how to dress and who to love? also sexuality relates to sex relates to the sex organs, it’s not exclusionary it’s literally in the title of “sexual attraction” ugh like that’s how it freaking works.

anyways sorry that was an extremely extremely long vent and feel free to delete if unwelcome but i’ve just had so many thoughts and i don’t feel safe sharing them on my main. i love all people and want the best for everyone and felt guilty about recognizing how some rhetoric is doing harm while being propagated as good. it’s just good to know there are others out here who are able to step back and see what’s really happening.

I love rambling don't be afraid to ramble in my ask box <3

I'm like…6 months(?) deep into radical feminism and its literally a whole new world and I'm always so full of thoughts.

The sex work industry was never smth on my radar as a libfem, tbh. I was like "cool your body do whatever," but now it's like,,, yeah, your body BUT what's the reason? Why do you feel the need to sell your body to men and support a terrible industry that kills and harms women?

Usually, it's because they were groomed and don't understand or were never told how the industry impacts women- or, it's because their work and schooling opportunities aren't equal to men's, so they have a harder time finding an occupation.

Women see sex work as an escape when they're young, only to regret it the moment they get sucked in it.

NO FR like,, I used to and sometimes still do think about going by she/they or they/them pronouns as if it'll change anything. Being a woman is not a feeling, you can't feel like neither man nor woman, because they are identities forced upon us, not feelings.

However, female and male are also not feelings, but they are biological sex- the way we separate the ability to grow life and the ability to create it.

You can not feel like sperm and you can not feel like an egg, your sex is your anatomy, not a feeling.

When I was younger, I felt trapped in my body and wanted nothing more than to be out of it- I had anorexia, but it's similar to the dysphoria trans ppl feel. It's a mental Illness, you need therapy to work through your issues- not painful surgeries, hormones tha5 fuck you up, and medicine with unknown side effects. Of course, it's a lot deeper than what I gave, but that would be a whole other post on its own.

SERIOUSLY a line needs to be drawn somewhere or it's gonna get out of hand.

#i love rambling #i hope u dont mind my ramble in response 😞#i just love talking ab it #theres so much to say #but it can be hard sometimes to word it #lesbian #radfem #radfem safe #radfems please interact #radfems please touch #radical feminst #radical feminism #feminsim #feminist #terfs welcome #transgender #trans

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creacherkeeper · 3 years

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LOVR ur aelwyn and the bad kids series and can’t wait to see what you’ve got planned for the other three bad kids!! got any headcanons in general about them?

thank you so much!!!! <3 <3 ive REALLY enjoyed writing the series so far, and the comments and encouragement has been so lovely ;; fantasy high fandom my beloved <3

*slaps head* this babey can fit so much headcanons in it

okay ive talked about this with a few people but i totally think season 3 will have a siblings motif. we already know a few characters who are NOT only children (fabian, ayda) which hasn’t been explored, and have some characters who also have the potential to not be only children (they called fig ‘first born daughter’ in hell?? weird choice of wording for an only child) (also either set of gorgug’s parents could have more kids - adopted or bio). and i’d just really like to see more of kristen’s brothers and OF COURSE adaine and aelwyn. riz just has such strong only child vibes im sorry i dont see that changing

i REALLY HOPE we meet fabian’s siblings but my PERSONAL headcanon for them is that he has an older sister who is like. SUPER COOL and badass and can kick his ass in a second flat and literally everyone is in love with her. and also an older brother who lives in bastion city who is a completely normal and extremely boring accountant

(also fabian’s cool older sister and aelwyn become friends ok thx)

so adaine definitely has the potential to be a very physical person (like even early early s1 she’s throwing spells, punching, The Ladle) but obviously was raised in an environment where she was expected to be very self contained. i think as she gets used to mordred manor and living with jawbone and tracker and ragh especially, she gets VERY about physical affection. like, okay, one, the child is touch starved we all know this. but i think she goes from awkward fistbumps and pats on the shoulder to like. BIG bear hugs, hair ruffling, people sitting on her lap, etc etc pretty quickly. like just embracing that physicality she has in a positive way

also jawbone and tracker (in a safe way, we know they take measures to not spread lycanthropy) totally bite as affection. and adaine picks up on it and one day just sort of chomps aelwyn’s arm a little bit and aelwyn is like. hey. so what the hell was that. and adaine was like it was affection it means i love you. and aelwyn is just like. literally what the fuck is up with this house.

ALL the bad kids have trauma For Sure but (as i hinted at in the first fic) fabian definitely has ptsd from leviathan. i think his presents as less emotional stuff and more as like. a ton of hypervigilance and irritability/snappishness when he’s triggered

okay i could literally write an essay on all the bad kids mental stuff and neurodivergence and everything but 1) kristen is just a unit of cPTSD with freckles 2) adaine and aelwyn have the SUPER WEIRD combo of adaine being the externalizer and aelwyn being an internalizer and i think that’s the thing that like. yes DID fuck up aelwyn for a long time but ultimately is what saved both of them. like i believe very strongly that if this tendency had been flipped they’d both be completely screwed

okay speaking of aelwyn 1) claustrophobia now right?? like we can all agree on that ?? 2) this is NOT just me projecting (yes it is) but i think aelwyn has chronic pain/fatigue for a good while after s2. like you cant spend almost a YEAR at five levels of exhaustion doing one extremely restricted repetitive motion and not like ???? completely fuck up your body??? like yes she and fabian totally swordfight and duel and stuff but also i think it takes a WHILE before she can do any physical activity without getting completely wiped out. because spells do seem to take SOME level of energy or whatever from you (spell slots, otherwise you could just do them all the time) i think this probably includes spells

gorgug is like. extremely good with kids. toddlers especially. he talks to them like they can totally understand everything (great for development!) and is just very patient and kind and good but also does not mind being used as a jungle gym and WILL throw a child into a beanbag chair for two hours straight (ALSO great for development!). fabian also thinks babies are the cutest things on the planet but will NOT admit that so he mostly tags along when gorgug babysits because he’s “just SO bored he CANT find anything better to do UGH” and secretly is like. babies <3

let aelwyn MULTICLASS!!!! paladin and barbarian are my faves for her

i know this is a common hc but like. all the bad kids share clothes. for sure. literally the bugs bunny OUR closet meme

kristen has a total green thumb she’s GREAT with plants and tracker is just like <3 its because youre a lesbian <3 even though tracker will totally kill any plant she comes in contact with by accident

kristen and tracker are the academy’s GSA moms. theyll be like “hello my child” and the other kid will be like im four months older than you??? and theyre like “that does not matter <3″

adaine and aelwyn were DEF forced into like. piano and violin lessons growing up but when fig finds out shes VERY EXCITED they can play together and like. does piano and violin and bass sound good together?? dont worry about it. its the first time playing music is actually fun for the two of them

ayda, after more research and understanding, is totally the type of person who’d walk up to someone in the grocery store and be like “hello i believe you are autistic like me let me explain what that is” and fig is like. babe. babe. we were just here for fruit snacks. babe.

okay i will stop here for now because i super need to shower but also if people wanted more/specific headcanons i might be .....,, persuaded ...

#fantasy high #dimension 20 #upon rereading the ask i cant tell if this meant headcanons about aelwyn+the bad kids specifically #so if yes that is what you meant i will TOTALLY make another post becuase this one kind of became general headcanons #also yeah im totally gonna be thinking about bad kids neurodivergence and the adaine&aelwyn externalizer internalizer thing during my showe #sigh #Anonymous

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