#perhaps some of the symptoms they googled are a bit concerning too… | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

firefly464 · 4 years

Text

The Real World - Chapter 7

did i have to google symptoms of ptsd and do a solid hour of research for this chapter? Perhaps. Do I regret it? Nahhh it was fun :D

Made in collaboration with @i-have-this-now

Master Post

First - Previous - Next

~~~

When Tommy woke up the next morning, every muscle in his body ached. God damn it, this was why he hated working out. Who the hell in their right mind actually enjoyed it? It was just fucking stupid. Sure, he was much stronger and healthier in the SMP world than he was at home, but the past week of not doing anything had taken a toll on him. He still didn’t understand how the other Tommy had gone through so much effort to work out. Maybe he actually had been a psychopath.

“Ughhhhhh” he groaned, remembering his promise to George. It was too early to go and talk to Wilbur, much less tell him that he was from another fucking universe. From the look of things, it appeared to be around 10-11 in the morning. Whatever. It was still too early to deal with this.

~~~

Ten minutes later, Tommy stood outside the entrance to a long, underground tunnel. He hadn’t actually had a chance to visit it yet, but he knew that at the end of the tunnel was a small, underground bunker that everyone had been living in for over a week now. He could remember digging out the tunnel the day before the big war stream. The day before he had been forced into a world that wasn’t his own. The day before he was forced to leave his family and friends, and unable to say goodbye.

Tears started to well up in his eyes. No. No he couldn’t lose control of his emotions now. He had to talk to Wilbur. Crying wasn’t going to help with that. He had already grieved over his lost life. It was time to focus on the present. Taking a deep breath, he wiped his eyes, and stepped in.

He was maybe halfway through the long tunnel when the deep, haunting sounds of a bell echoed throughout the cavern. The sound was low, almost too low to hear. That didn’t exactly matter. It may have been low, but it was loud. Loud enough to cause Tommy’s eyes to vibrate. He stumbled back, clutching his head. He felt like his skull was about to burst. It was like someone had hooked up a speaker to the inside of his brain and played the lowest note they could at max volume.

Almost as quickly as it had started, the sound cut out. The young blonde was left on the ground in the fetal position, shaking and trembling. The tears that he had tried so hard to keep from spilling over were now streaming down his face. “What the actual fuck. What the fuck was that. What the fuck is going on,” he muttered desperately, “Christ almighty I just want to go home… I want to fucking go home.”

“Tommy? Are you alright?” A voice asked, cutting through the fog in his mind. Tommy looked up to see Wilbur himself standing over him, looking very concerned.

“W-wha? Y-yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just a bit startled. What the fuck was that?” he said, standing up and brushing himself off. He stumbled slightly, still shaky from the overbearing sound.

Wilbur’s eyes narrowed as he placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder to steady him. “It was the bell. You know, the one that they ring whenever someone new shows up? Are you sure you’re ok?”

“O-oh! Yeah, yeah of course. The sound must have just shocked me a bit more than normal,” he quickly replied, trying to make the lie sound convincing. “Why on earth do they have to make it so loud?”

His friend didn’t look convinced, but didn’t continue to press for answers. Instead, he gladly took the change in subject. “I swear, you ask this every time it goes off. It's just part of the enchantment.”

“Since when is there an enchantment for that?” Tommy muttered under his breath as the two of them walked into the fresh air. He took a deep breath, unbelievably grateful to not be trapped in the suffocating darkness anymore.

“What were you even doing in the tunnel anyways? I thought you hated it in there.”

“Oh, uh, I was looking to speak with you about something…”

Wilbur raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Perhaps you could tell me now?”

Tommy shook his head quickly. “No, it can wait until after this. I’m sure this is more important.”

The two men walked in silence for a bit, neither one quite sure of what to say. As they climbed the walkway that connected L’Manberg to the DreamSMP, Tommy couldn’t help but marvel at how incredible the world around him looked. Sure, he had seen it all before in-game, but there was something different about seeing it all in person. Something different about actually walking down the wooden path. Hell, even his little hobbit hole base looked different in person. He couldn’t help but stare at it as they passed, earning a strange look from Wilbur.

They turned at the fork in the road, heading down towards the dip in the wooden path. Tommy could feel his heartbeat quicken as they approached. He knew that he wasn’t in any immediate danger, but just standing in that spot was enough to make him panic. Hell, the planks beneath his feet were still stained a deep red from his blood, despite someones obvious efforts to clean it. This was the same spot that he had stood when his friend had shot him in the heart. This was the spot that he had stood when he had been forced to leave everything he knew behind.

A hand rested on his shoulder. Tommy looked over to see Wilbur giving him a reassuring smile. “Hey, it's alright. Next time, we’ll be sure to change the meeting spot,” he assured him.

Tommy felt a wave of gratitude towards his older friend. He hadn’t even needed to say anything and his friend could tell exactly what was wrong. It was nice, to say the least.

That's when he finally looked at the group of people that had gathered on the bridge. Tommy felt his breath catch in his throat. As he stared at the newcomer, Tommy found himself face to face with his friend Jack Manifold.

“Jack? What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, trying to figure out what was going on. Had he been transported like Tommy and Dream had? Had he found a different way to enter the SMP world?

However, his friend just stared at him in confusion. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” he asked.

Tommy swore under his breath. He had forgotten what Tubbo had told him. People would show up in the woods sometimes with no memory of how they got there, or what their own past was. All they knew was their own name, age, and how to survive the world around them. Any other memories were gone completely. Family, friends, homes, none of it mattered. It was all just gone.

He tried to cover up his mistake with an excuse, but the damage had already been done. Everyone was staring at him in shock.

“Tommy,” asked Tubbo, “Tommy did you remember something? Do you know this guy?” his eyes were alight with excitement and hope.

Tommy made a big show of grabbing his head like it hurt “I… I thought I did. It’s nothing, never mind.”

Tubbo’s shoulders slumped in disappointment “oh…”

Dream and George were both staring at him, asking a silent question. Tommy nodded ever so slightly, showing that he did in fact know Jack. Wilbur watched the exchange with narrowed eyes, slightly glaring at Dream and George and shooting a questioning look at Tommy.

He shrugged it off, trying to act casual. He was going to have a lot to explain later.

George glanced to Wilbur, then back at Tommy, once more asking a question. Tommy shook his head, trying to communicate that Wilbur didn’t know yet. He sighed, and looked disappointed. Tommy raised his hands in defense, earning another strange look from Will.

‘One week’ George mouthed silently. Tommy nodded. He had one week to tell Wilbur, or George would do it for him.

~~~

Tommy rummaged through the closet in his room, trying to find clues about who he was in this world, and what sort of part he needed to play. So far, he hadn’t found much. There were mostly just bins of old clothes. He knew that the strange device on his desk likely held mountains of information, but even just looking at it made him want to throw up. It brought back too many painful memories of what Dream- no, what he had done.

“You alright man?” Tubbo asked. Tommy jumped in surprise, but quickly shrugged it off. He had nearly forgotten that his friends were there. Tubbo was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall. Wilbur had claimed the chair.

As Tommy looked to his friend to reassure him, he noticed something strange. “What the hell is that?” He asked, pointing to the strange object.

“Uh, a sword?” Tubbo replied. It was the foam diamond sword that Tommy had owned for years. Why was he so confused by it?

A bark of laughter escaped his friend as he went over and picked up the sword. “Please, this isn’t a sword. You couldn’t hurt a fly with this thing, even if you tried”

“It’s… it’s not for actually fighting. It’s just a toy,” Wilbur said, his brow furrowed in thought.

Tommy’s jaw dropped. “You’re kidding, right? A sword isn’t meant to be played with. It’s a fucking deadly weapon. God some people…” he muttered as he threw the foam toy into the bed and continued to dig through the closet.

Tubbo and Wilbur looked at each other in concern. Since when did Tommy give a fuck about weapons? Much less swords.

“So uh… Tommy, what exactly happened to you?” Tubbo asked, trying to change the subject. Wilbur shot him a glare and shook his head, trying to get him to stop. Who knew if Tommy was in any sort of condition to talk about what had happened to him.

However, Tommy just shrugged. “Dunno. I can’t exactly remember any of it.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. He really couldn’t remember anything from the past week. He just wasn’t exactly telling the whole truth.

Wilburs eyes narrowed. That was complete and total bullshit. One look at the young teenager and it was obvious that something bad had happened. Something that he was desperate to escape.

Tubbo on the other hand, just looked concerned. “Really? You don’t remember anything at all?”

“Nope.”

“What about beforehand? Do you remember anything from the stream at all?” he asked, once more ignoring Wilbur’s glare.

“Uhhhh, the what?” Fuck. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He had no idea what they were talking about, much less what had been going on before the swap happened. He would have to play dumb. It was honestly his best bet right now. “It's all a bit fuzzy. Maybe you could jog my memory a bit?”

Tubbo glanced at Wilbur, as if only now seeing how his plan could possibly go wrong. Wilbur just shrugged. If Tommy was asking, then he figured it was fine. “We could just pull up some clips. It would probably be easier.” He spun the chair around and faced the computer. “What's your password?”

“My wha…?”

Wilbur typed something in and waved his hand “Nevermind, I’ve got it” Soon enough, he had pulled up the most popular clips from the stream. The one at top was obviously the one where Tommy had vanished, but he figured that Tommy wouldn’t exactly want to see that. So instead, he went to the second most popular one. The clip of Eret betraying them.

Tommy stepped closer to the screen, fascinated by the flashing and glowing lights. His breath caught when he saw the thumbnails for the clips. That was… That was his home. But it was different… It was blocky, and weird. But there was no denying the fact that it was his home. “What the fuck…” he whispered softly.

“You do remember the SMP, right?” Wilbur asked as he pulled up the short video.

“Home…” That was when he finally noticed what clip had been pulled up. The starting frame was a shot of them all following Eret down a long tunnel. Tommy felt his heartbeat start to quicken. No, this couldn’t be what he thought it was. That would be impossible. His hand went up to touch a scar on the side of his neck that was no longer there. Of course it wasn’t there. This wasn’t even his body.

The clip started playing. As he watched, Tommy was forced to sit down on his bed in order to keep from passing out. It was all too similar. The dark tunnel, Eret’s reassuring voice, him and his friends following like lemmings. He couldn’t watch. This wasn’t right, it wasn’t fucking right. He could feel tears start to flow down his face. It was all coming back to him in a massive wave.

The way that Eret had promised he had a safe place to go. The way they had all been herded into the small room like cattle, no way to run or hide. Eret’s face as he hit the button in the center. The sound of the pistons releasing. The sharp sting of the iron needle being stabbed into his neck. The way he had lost all control over his own muscles and collapsed on the ground. Dream stepping over each and every one of them, taunting and jeering. The white mask that had shown no emotion. Only a sadistic, simple smile. It was too much. He couldn’t fucking handle it.

“S-stop! Make it stop!” he cried out, gripping his hair. His eyes were shut tight, but tears still flowed freely from them. He was terrified that if he opened his eyes, he would see the porcelain mask. It was coming for him. It was never going to leave him alone. Dream would never let him live in peace. He was curled up in the fetal position on his bed, rocking back and forth.

“Tommy?! Tommy are you ok?!” Someone asked. He didn’t know who. It sounded like it was coming from the end of a long tunnel, faint and distant. He felt someone place a hand on his shoulder. It was Dream, it had to be. Dream was here to finish the job. He was here to kill him finally. His eyes shot open as he kicked whoever it was that was touching him in the gut and scrambled back. He needed a weapon. He needed to defend himself. His hands desperately grasped at the nightstand, trying to find something, anything that he could use as a weapon. All he found was a couple of pencils. Whatever, he would make it work.

“Tubbo, go get his parents, quickly!”

Who were they talking about? He didn’t have parents. It must have been some stupid code. “NO!!!” He screamed. He wouldn’t let anyone else hurt him. He wasn’t going to just sit there while someone tried to attack him. He wasn’t going to sit there uselessly again while those around him got hurt. Not again. Not ever, ever again.

~~~

Master Post

First - Previous - Next

116 notes · View notes

alixofagnia · 5 years

Text

OpheThorn II: A Slightly Less Rambling Analysis

The Missing of Clairdelune is a superb second installment in The Mirror Visitor quartet. We get more of what we loved about the first book, more pieces to the larger existential puzzle, yet it smartly stops short of resolving too much so that we stay invested for the third episode. Christelle Dabos allows herself slightly more exposition. But the novel really succeeds by continuing to follow the less-is-more mantra and the showing vs. telling style.

As you may or may not recall, after I finished A Winter’s Promise, I spent an embarrassing amount of time copy/pasting excerpts from this book into Google Translate with the result that I really did spoil a lot of the OpheThorn parts for myself—which I don’t exactly regret. But, essentially, it left me with a bit less to say. I had a good response to my first OpheThorn analysis (it’s here and thank you for all the kind words), so I did think that I’d like to put something out about Clairdelune as well, I just wasn’t sure what. After some consideration (and a re-read), I do have some more thoughts about OpheThorn.

So, here we go.

[Spoilers included this time]

[All fanart images credited to @patricialyfoung]

Intro

Since Clairdelune begins right where Promise concluded, Ophelia is still pissed at Thorn, while Thorn is still pining for Ophelia albeit in his uniquely aloof way. The only real thing that’s made me scratch my head with them is the severity of Ophelia’s anger/resentment over Thorn having withheld his true ambitions from her and her finding out about them from someone else. I just think it’s a little bit of a weak conflict for them given how pragmatic they are. I get that it’s the culmination of a frustrating situation. But I still think it’s weak.

So, once again the two begin on shaky ground, a space they occupy for the bulk of the novel. They are, at least, together a bit more than before and there’s all sorts of lovely tension, mostly caused by Thorn’s inelegant method of wooing compounded by Ophelia’s stubborn refusal to give him an inch. Thorn’s growing feelings for Ophelia were subtly hinted at in Promise and they become more apparent here, particularly when juxtaposed against Ophelia’s stubborn denial of hers for him.

And I just adore the cover art! Don’t you?

Thorn and Autism Spectrum Disorder

This is what I want to discuss. I may be alone in this, but it seems like Thorn could be coded as having autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It occurred to me while I was reading Promise and this time around, I feel comfortable in taking that perspective on Thorn. I like the notion of applying an ASD reading to his character because it explains a few descriptive quirks and makes him more than a “weirdo” or “freak”, which is reductive labeling. When considering his interactions with other characters and their reactions to him, this reading lends an added layer to his actions and overall development.

But let me make something clear.

This book isn’t about ASD, so I’m not suggesting that Dabos intended to write Thorn as having ASD or is trying to make a statement in any way on the disorder, and I’m cautious about how I use this idea to understand the character. This is purely my own speculation/take on the character.

I also want to be clear that I don’t have any personal experience with the disorder. I’ve met people with autism and ASD and they were all very different from each other and had very different needs. So, I’m largely making connections with textbook examples of ASD and they’re maybe a little bit broad because as I said it isn’t explicitly made clear that Thorn has ASD. I may very likely err in my understanding of this disorder. If that’s the case, I apologize in advance and please do correct me or give me your own opinion on this idea.

Here’s an overview from the webpage of the national institute of mental health:

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior. Although autism can be diagnosed at any age, it is said to be a “developmental disorder” because symptoms generally appear in the first two years of life. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a guide created by the American Psychiatric Association used to diagnose mental disorders, people with ASD have:

Difficulty with communication and interaction with other people

Restricted interests and repetitive behaviors

Symptoms that hurt the person’s ability to function properly in school, work, and other areas of life

Autism is known as a “spectrum” disorder because there is wide variation in the type and severity of symptoms people experience. Although ASD can be a lifelong disorder, treatments and services can improve a person’s symptoms and ability to function.

It’s been shown repeatedly that it’s very difficult for Thorn to be an inviting and easy-going person, even with people he cares about. Thorn struggles with communication, is emotionally suppressed, is both uncaring and at times completely unaware of how he presents himself socially, and obsessively consults his pocket watch, particularly when he’s at a loss for words or bored, or otherwise ready to get the hell out of any situation that causes him anxiety. He’s highly intelligent, fixated on order and organization, and has a history (as we know from Promise and learn more about in Clairdelune) of meeting intense emotion with impulsive violence.

Here’s a list (also from the NIMH website) of common symptoms:

Making little or inconsistent eye contact

Tending not to look at or listen to people

Rarely sharing enjoyment of objects or activities by pointing or showing things to others

Failing to, or being slow to, respond to someone calling their name or to other verbal attempts to gain attention

Having difficulties with the back and forth of conversation

Often talking at length about a favorite subject without noticing that others are not interested or without giving others a chance to respond

Having facial expressions, movements, and gestures that do not match what is being said

Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like

Having trouble understanding another person’s point of view or being unable to predict or understand other people’s actions

Repeating certain behaviors or having unusual behaviors. For example, repeating words or phrases, a behavior called echolalia

Having a lasting intense interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts

Having overly focused interests, such as with moving objects or parts of objects

Getting upset by slight changes in a routine

Being more or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature

People with ASD may also experience sleep problems and irritability. Although people with ASD experience many challenges, they may also have many strengths including:

Being able to learn things in detail and remember information for long periods of time

Being strong visual and auditory learners

Excelling in math, science, music, or art

One can’t help but notice that we can check several of these points off for Thorn. Not all, certainly, but I’m sure you can call to mind some of your own examples of him exhibiting many of these behaviors repeatedly.

Where Does Ophelia Fit In?

Thorn has always treated his relationship with Ophelia in a very business-like manner, almost like a negotiation, which makes sense within the context of an arranged marriage. At the novel’s start, Thorn wishes to make amends, but Ophelia makes it very clear that she will not forgive him for his lies and neglect. His response to her is rather clinical.

“We simply can’t allow ourselves to be enemies,” cut in Thorn. “You’re making my life difficult with your resentment; it’s imperative that we become reconciled. […] Meet me at the Treasury, insult me, slap me, smash a plate over my head if you feel like it, and then let’s never speak of it again. Name your day. This Thursday would suit me.” [65]

I suppose this is a rather annoying response, especially if one is really just looking for a simple and genuine apology. But if we read Thorn as having ASD, then this feels a little different. He’s simplifying a conflict that he maybe doesn’t quite understand; he’s been given a different perspective on his actions and it’s perhaps beyond his capability to comprehend. To compensate, he turns this into a matter of business, which is something he can understand quite well, even going so far as to try and pencil Ophelia into his calendar. But he’s woefully unaware of the frustrating effect his language and tone have on her. Of course, what’s key here is what he isn’t saying: that she’s making his life difficult because he loves her; he wants to be on good terms, but doesn’t know how to fix this. Note that he again suggests violence as a means to deal with her emotion.

When they do meet up, Thorn says,

“I have many enemies. I no longer want to count you among them, so tell me what I must do. That is why you came here, isn’t it? You have a deal to offer me, I’m listening to you.” [152]

He’s desperate. It’s also worth noting that he’s fairly vulnerable in this chapter; he exhibits jealousy and some hurt—Ophelia missed their original appointment because she was with Archibald and forgot about him.

Modest as always, Ophelia asks only for a job, money to pay Fox, her new assistant, and to see the real outdoors again. She lastly requests that he always be honest with her, especially in matters that directly concern her. In exchange, she will teach him how to Read objects after the ceremony of the Gift and he will teach her how to use the claws that he’ll pass to her. She also reiterates, for good measure, that this will be their only conjugal duty. He grants the first three readily enough, but the fourth one trips him up. He does agree to it, but it’s obvious that it will cost him in more ways than one.

While I imagine that he’s receptive on some level to sexual intimacy with Ophelia, I think he’s more afraid of intimacy in general. Sharing things and being honest with a partner means opening oneself up to vulnerability, to weakness. The undertaking he’s set for himself—a mission he’s already devoted 15 years of his life to—doesn’t allow for that kind of intimacy; rather, it requires utmost resiliency, secrecy, and focus. Furthermore, if he were to be seen forming loving attachments (with Berenilde, Ophelia, or anyone else), then that could be turned against him over the course of fulfilling his risky endeavor. It’s that very fear, in fact, which has made him exclude his aunt (and attempt to exclude Ophelia) entirely from his investigation. His pursuit of a noble title and legitimacy is a front, an easy excuse he thought up to satisfy Berenilde’s and the court’s curiosity about why he suddenly wanted to get married and Read Farouk’s Book.

Like Thorn, it scares Ophelia to feel herself falling in love. Perhaps the womanly pride she carries with her makes it difficult for her to open up. After all, love and marriage were never apparently high on her list of things to accomplish either. Ophelia and Thorn are separately dealing with the same conundrum, which is that to love means to fear, and that’s messy. It could get in the way of a life that is humble (Ophelia) and a life that is ambitious (Thorn). Simply put, neither one had accounted for even the possibility of love in their marriage.

Perhaps because Ophelia is a Reader, I think that deep down she likes the enigma and challenge that is Thorn. Yes, he’s frustrating, but she never truly loses interest in him. Indeed, if anything, she becomes increasingly intrigued and is entirely won over when she at last learns all about what he’s doing. Ophelia is very likely the first person to make Thorn both confront and attempt to correct his inadequacy in areas of intimacy. As I touched on in my previous analysis, Ophelia calling Thorn out on his behavior and habits is surely a novelty for him.

“I believe neither in luck nor in destiny,” he declared. “I trust only the science of probabilities. I have studied mathematical statistics, combinatorial analysis, mass function, and random variables, and they have never held any surprises for me. You don’t seem fully to grasp the destabilizing effect that someone like you can have on someone like me.” [377]

Ohhhhkay.

It turns out, she’s a bit of an enigma and definitely a challenge to him in kind. This is Thorn’s way of trying to tell Ophelia that he loves her.

Thorn and Ophelia seek control and wield it differently. Thorn can be arrogant and overconfident with it, and he wants to be its sole retainer. Ophelia also wants to retain it but as it pertains to her decisions for herself, and she rebels against it when she feels like that’s being taken away from her. It’s important to them that they are in control of their own actions and destinies. But what neither one of them understands is that those we end up loving is often (or maybe always) outside of our control. Love has no explanation, and doesn’t require one. You can’t predict it. You can’t dictate it. You can’t calculate it or quantify it.

Ophelia seriously turns Thorn’s life, and everything he thought he could predict or control about it, upside down. Initially unwittingly, then actively, she encourages him to develop.

ASD Made Sexy

As inelegant as he is, Thorn does have his own way of being shocking:

“You wanted me to be honest with you. You will thus learn that you are not just a pair of hands for me. And I don’t give a damn whether people find me suspect, as long as I am not so in your eyes. You will return this to me when I have kept all my promises,” he grumbled, holding his watch out to Ophelia without noticing her stunned expression. “And if you still doubt me in the future, just read it.” [156].

You guys, this is kind of romantic, right? He’s so direct and it really flusters Ophelia, who is steadfastly resisting the decidedly non-business-like turn their relationship has taken. Skip to novel’s end, however, and she has totally changed her tune about Thorn. Right before they believe they will be parted forever, Thorn finally gives a straightforward confirmation of his feelings.

“Don’t go falling down any more stairs, avoid sharp objects, and above all, above all, keep away from disreputable people, alright? […] Oh, and by the way, I love you.” [486]

Swoon.

The fact of the matter is this: despite his unconventional looks and mannerisms, Thorn hits a certain level of sexy. Which begs the question: Can ASD be sexy? Sure, one could say that his sex appeal comes naturally with his role as the male lead, which is directly connected to his chemistry with the female lead. But I think there’s actually an important distinction to be made; it’s not whether ASD itself is sexy, it’s whether a character with ASD is sexy and I think that’s important because you don’t want ASD to be treated as a gimmick in fiction. It matters how that kind of character is presented.

Thorn’s ASD traits make him eccentric at best and a “freak” at worst, by Ophelia’s own description. Some of Thorn’s less offensive eccentricities are portrayed in an endearing light: his brusqueness with silly persons (i.e. Archibald, Baron Melchior) and their silly behavior; wearing his heavy uniform in a tropical illusion when there’s no evident dress policy for officials; preoccupied with tending to the order of his office over the tending of his wounds; launching a dangerous existential investigation all because of an illegal and unjust disruption in odds and probabilities, an utter crime in Thorn’s eyes.

But it’s also important to look at how other characters view him. Those at the Pole may look down on him, but there is no doubt that he commands a considerable level of their respect. He’s at the center of Citaceleste’s political and economical arenas, and has some judicial power as well. In short, he’s the one that everyone seemingly runs to in a crisis. Ophelia begrudgingly admires his self-control, coolness under pressure, and appreciates that he is not corrupt, like the other officials and aristocrats. Naturally, Berenilde regards him the highest. She, more than any other, gives us a glimpse of the true Thorn, putting forward the image of a protector, provider, and all-around genius.

So, the answer is yes. Thorn is sexy.

Ophelia and Asexuality

OK, I realize I’m going off on a tangent here, but since asexuality is a common reading of Ophelia that I see in reviews, I wanted to address that as well.

There are many instances of Ophelia fulfilling, for lack of a better way to put it, the butterfly trope:

Perhaps it was due to the nervousness Thorn brought out in her, or the lace veil obscuring her vision, or the scarf coiled around her foot, or her pathological clumsiness, but the fact is, Ophelia tripped on the final step of the stairs. [28]

Hearing Thorn reawakened such nervousness in Ophelia that she seriously considered hanging up on him. [63]

She did, however, have to admit that Berenilde had got it right: it was indeed out of cowardice, more even than anger, that she’d spent recent weeks avoiding him. [100]

Somewhat embarrassed, Ophelia wondered whether he felt as nervous in her company as she felt in his. [160]

Ophelia felt her blood throbbing against her eardrums, but couldn’t have said whether it was due to sudden relief or, on the contrary, heightened tension. [323]

Ophelia gets butterflies whenever her love interest is near. It’s important to note that she’s not afraid for her safety when she’s with him, although there is one incident, where she thinks he’s going to strike her, which is quickly dispelled by his sincere assurance that he’d never harm her. He gives her butterflies often by doing totally mundane things such as standing in front of her or looking at her, and that bothers her. But why?

Like Thorn, she’s convinced herself that intimacy and love aren’t for her. Some reviewers have praised Ophelia for being a representation of asexuality and, while I think there’s a strong case for her being somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I stop short at positing that she’s totally uninterested in sex or doesn’t experience sexual attraction. She’s noted, on several occasions, both in Clairdelune and Promise, Archibald’s handsomeness. In this novel, she also notes Fox’s.

With his gold braiding and red mane, he was as dazzling as Thorn was dark. Ophelia sensed herself coloring just looking at him. [165]

So, she does experience sexual attraction and, furthermore, she physically reacts to Fox’s appearance (though never to Archibald’s), which suggests that she’s not wholly disinterested in sex. In Promise, she commented that “no man had ever quickened her pulse” and lamented about whether she’d ever feel that way about someone, and I think this is probably the point at which most readers took away that she might be asexual.

But, like...

Thorn is the only man who produces intense and consistent physical reactions in her.

Also, if you look at the [323] quote above, he did in fact get her pulse up. Just saying.

Rather than label her as purely asexual or even being on the spectrum, we could instead speculate that, as a Reader, she’s experienced to some degree love in all its forms through countless objects and perhaps she can’t help having this reaction to love and intimacy. I’m not trying to be cynical or pessimistic, but love can be treacherous and people are driven to do all kinds of terrible things for it or because of it. As wonderful as love is despite that, it seems likely that Ophelia has simply decided it’s not something she wants to navigate. Or she just hadn’t met someone yet who was worth all that trouble.

I’ll Close With This:

“You’re free,” whispered Ophelia. “Free to go, free to stay. I won’t make you leave one cage for another one, although, as you’ve seen, I really don’t live in great security. I decided your fate without taking time to think, or to speak to you. I was selfish…and I still am. […] I still am because, deep down, I would like you to choose to remain by my side. I know that apologizing can no longer change anything, but anyway: forgive me.” [135]

Ophelia says this to Fox after rescuing him from the dungeons of Clairdelune and taking him on as an assistant. Now, when I read this, I couldn’t help but think that it’s precisely the apology Ophelia wants to hear from Thorn. Yet, here she is, guilty of doing to someone the very thing she holds against him. Isn’t it funny how hypocrisy and love are such good friends? As we know, articulation and eloquence are not Thorn’s strengths and some of Ophelia’s aversion to him is based around her inability to accept this part of him.

Eventually, Thorn does make, more or less, the same apology.

“I should never have involved you in my affairs. I knew it would be dangerous. I convinced myself that I had the situation under control, and that mistake almost cost you your life. […] There is one thing that I have tried to tell you several times. I’m no good at these formalities, so let’s get on with it and speak no more of it. […] Please forgive me.” [444-45]

Strangely, she barely acknowledges this; she’s too busy having an epiphany.

At that second, she finally knew with absolute certainty where her place was. It wasn’t in the Pole, it wasn’t on Anima. It was precisely where she was now. At Thorn’s side. [445]

Well, perhaps this isn’t so strange since the novel starts off posing the question to this answer.

Deep down, Ophelia wondered where exactly her first home might be. Since she’d arrived at the Pole, she’d already visited Berenilde’s manor, the Clairdelune embassy, and her fiancés Treasury, and she hadn’t felt at home in any of them. [24]

The theme of home and belonging permeates this novel in a more central way than its predecessor. Ophelia is repeatedly confronted by it, but it’s also echoed in Farouk’s obsession with the Reading of his Book and finding out where he comes from and what happened in his past. When her family arrives from Anima, she sees the Pole and Thorn through their eyes. She ends up defending both from their disapproving remarks and in doing so, she realizes that she has ceased thinking of Anima as her home.

Life in the Pole was like that: wherever one went, whatever one did, danger was part of daily life. And yet, Ophelia reflected, she didn’t hate it that much, that life. [280]

Thorn’s apology seals the deal: she understands now that she was mistaken. Home is not a place. People, those who love you and who you love in return, give a home meaning. Belonging, likewise, is only made possible by the people who accept you and give you a place among them. It’s been hard-won, but she’s found both in the Pole, in Thorn and Berenilde. Her lack of a direct response to Thorn’s words suggests that she’s already forgiven him, that it matters less to her that he struggles with communication, that she’s finally accepted him for who he is and, better still, found him lovable despite that.

If we read Thorn as having ASD, then this intense dynamic between them is a positive treatment of mental/social disorders in fiction, which is really the only point I had to make with this entire thing.

Where Does Ophelia End?

I asked this question in my last analysis. Based off of the fact that, when we left her in Promise, she was experiencing some serious discomfort in body and soul directly connected to Thorn, I predicted/semi-already-knew that she would evolve toward him.

At one point, Ophelia loses the ability to pass through mirrors. We understand that it’s because she’s been lying to herself; after all, her great-uncle made it very clear that mirror-traveling is impossible under such a circumstance. It’s ironic because, by her own admission, she’s a “bad actress” [161] and, according to her mother, “was never any good at lying” [157].

She’s just so stubborn, isn’t she? It’s gratifying then to read when Ophelia overcomes it. Thorn makes a public announcement, cancelling his marriage, refusing to Read Farouk’s Book, and handing in his resignation as Treasurer. He does this to protect Ophelia and her family from imminent danger but at risk to his own welfare and position. He’s basically committing suicide, which very nearly turns literal at novel’s end. Ophelia can only think to go to him by the quickest means possible.

She looked straight at her determined face, beyond its scratches and bruises, finally ready to face that truth that she hadn’t wanted to see. It wasn’t Thorn who needed her. It was she who needed Thorn. Ophelia plunged, body and soul, into the mirror. [416]

I don’t think I need to spell that out.

Thorn and His Watch

To go on a little bit of a tangent, I also wanted to touch on the watch.

I believe it was mentioned in Promise that the watch had been a gift from Berenilde, which is so precious. Berenilde is the only true parental figure Thorn has known. She used her status and wealth to protect and care for him, and seems to understand him as only a mother--one with a child the rest of the world refuses to accept--can. I thought her reaction to Thorn’s suicidal announcement was especially devastating.

She had begun to shake so hard that Agatha rushed to take the baby from her arms. Bent double in her chair, as though punched in the stomach, Berenilde looked imploringly at Ophelia. “I beg you. Don’t abandon my boy.” [412]

Keep in mind that Berenilde has outlived her three biological children, none of whom survived past childhood. Thorn is such a lonely figure that it’s easy to forget he comes from somewhere. But Berenilde’s reminder to us is clear: he’s not the child of his Dragon father nor of his Chronicler mother. Thorn is her child, and she’s terrified of losing him like the others.

While there can be no doubt of her sentiment toward Thorn, it’s entirely likely that Berenilde foisted much of her maternal grief, trauma, and longing onto him without his express permission; he never seems to regard her with any particular filial warmth. Then again, he once attacked Archibald in defense of Berenilde’s honor, after he seduced her away from Farouk, and Ophelia later notes that he “suspended an investigation and jumped into an airship” to be near to Berenilde when she went into labor with her daughter [373]. Thorn is clearly defined rather more by his actions than his words. But the point is Berenilde is the one who gave Thorn his sense of belonging, and I just adore that.

Metaphorically speaking, the watch represents Thorn’s heart, which was given to him by his mother figure and which he gives to Ophelia as a token of his love and trustworthiness. Indeed, it’s even called a “mechanical heart” [156]. Ophelia has Read one of Thorn’s possessions before (dice) and was overwhelmed by the fury and breadth of his emotions. If she were to Read his watch, she’d probably die. Every time he digs it out of his pocket to look at it, to hold it, to fiddle with it, he’s engraving some emotional signature or trace onto it. Ophelia ultimately decides not to Read it.

“Before you go, I would like to return this to you. You need it more than me, and, in any case, I won’t read it. I’ve chosen to trust you—you, not your watch.” [285]

Her words have a profound effect on Thorn, rendering him totally speechless and maybe more confused than ever. At any rate, he misreads the situation and catches Ophelia off guard with an awkward kiss. It’s kind of a heartbreaking scene, because Ophelia simply reacts (by slapping him) and is genuinely baffled that he took her words for encouragement. I don’t necessarily take this to be evidence of her asexuality. I don’t discredit it by any means, but it just feels more like she was taken by surprise.

The thing is, for perhaps the first time ever in his life, he actively desired for someone to know his true heart and to trust in his sincerity, which is why he gave the watch to her in the first place. In his defense, this was quite a pretty and irresistible thing for Ophelia to tell him and I don’t think she’s as put off as she wants to be.

With ears burning and glasses crimson, Ophelia stared at the faded letters on the old wooden panel—“STAFF ONLY”—as if Thorn might, at any moment, retrace his steps, take back his kiss, and leave his fob watch with her, as she’d suggested in the first place. [286]

It’s funny. She wants to erase the uncomfortable physical side of the incident, but she also wants to retain his metaphorical heart. I mean, yes, it’s broken because of some careless action on her part and she asked for it back so her great-uncle could try to fix it. But still. It’s hard to ignore the metaphor there as well: if the heart watch has changed from beating to broken and she wants to hold onto the broken heart watch to try to mend it…

Well, good Lord, it’s just so obvious, isn’t it?

End

Well, that’s about it. As I said, I really only had the one main thought and then a bunch of smaller ones.

I just learned—and am seriously devastated—that The Memory of Babel won’t be released in the U.S. until May 2020. I’m hoping this is a tentative date and that it will be available sooner.

In the meantime, if someone could upload a PDF that I could then spend days plugging in to Google Translate (again), that’d be super greeeeaaaat…

For part III, head here.

#ophethorn #La Passe-Miroir #les disparus de clairdelune #the mirror visitor #the missing of clairdelune #christelle dabos #long book report

149 notes · View notes

elizabethrobertajones · 5 years

Text

14x07 watching notes

In Which It Is Now Completely Apparent Which Of Buck And Leming Are Writing A Scene At Any Given Time

A Tale Of Lizbob Being Tormented By Toddlers

Hello it is 3:32am and I am awake from a dream of what the episode might have been (plus side: overt Destiel motel room sharing, downside: Jack accidentally killed Dean) because my tantruming toddler neighbour who just moved into the haunted house next door was screaming, and threw something at our adjoining wall. At 3am. So I'm not exactly well-rested and I'm kinda pissed, which isn't the best combo for a Buckleming episode, but when you wake up with a scream and a thump, you aren't going back to sleep for a lil while :P

Kudos to the rest of the writing team, we're 7 episodes in and I've thoroughly forgotten Nick exists. I've just been assuming he was caught, featured on a true crime program, and is already gone and locked up for the new murder and likely solving of a cold case.

Ahahahaaaa the opening of the recap is "when it comes to killing you, I'll be the one to do it" so that's ominous. As you might tell, my psyche is utterly wrapped around this whole Shakespearean tragedy of Jack vs Dean, and perhaps they're not gonna murder each other today but the constant reminders they're living in a murder or get murdered delicate thematic plot balance is exactly the sort of thing that we need to have hanging over their dynamic, as well of course as being the start point of their relationship to show how far they've come and how much they've changed and now love each other and how just last episode Dean got in his "fine i have a son now" episode a season or two later than everyone else and just in time for it to be "so now you bonded with him of course he's caught Doom because you can't have nice things for literally a single episode and this is your fault for bonding with him, Dean"

This recap is designed to wound me, a Jack fan and lover of how TFW loves their son

Ew, it's Nick. The first time in my life I've been tempted to skip at least a lil of the recap.

Imagine how tight it would have been to just do a 10 second "here's Jack" recap and cut to the action

and the action includes an episode without Nick stealing time from the boy

You know i spend exactly 0 time speculating on how Eugenie might write her personal fave bits of the episodes but if you had to throw together "nick is now a serial killer ritually murdering priests on a satanic bender" then that would have been a pretty close thing to what I could have come up with as distilled Buckleming essence. (gross)

There's a vague continued overlap of the human!Cas arc with the parallel to the open of 9x03 and the general aesthetic of season 11's Lucifer's satanic rampage bender thrown together but you know what that's more meta than this arc deserves and my boy is sick

OH NO CAS IS THE ONE WATCHING OVER HIM ABORT ABORT

His grace looks pathetic. Maybe he's trying not to wake Jack up. Maybe he doesn't have a whole lot left.

That's not helping, Cas

ANXIOUS PARENTS OUTSIDE HIS ROOM

I bet Cas sent them away because they were hovering

Dean this is not what happens to kids, stop trying to kid yourself that this is like having a regular demonic toddler

Man am I glad I do not have kids right now both because I don't have to worry about them and also because they scream and throw stuff at the walls at 3am

Dean angry at Cas cuz he's worried about Jack oh no oh no oh no look at these stressed parents. Cas is forced into the doctor role because he magic but he is just as stressed as they are and tensions are high, and then the boy starts convulsing

Oh my god they snapped, they are actually bringing Jack to an emergency room. This is horrifying and kind of a trip to imagine what they're going to tell any authority figures about who this guy is and what their relationship is to him.

Do they remember that he has barcode fingerprints and probably is gonna be Medically Weird just as default?

(Alex is 29 like me and Misha is early 40s and Jimmy is canonically a year older than Misha for some reason, so at a push Cas could be his dad and have made some very early mistakes but the boy is biologically only like 10 years younger than them on average... JACK looks another half that at times but this is a hospital so idk if "smiles like a toddler" "early teenage adorableness" is a good measure of age)

(I'm stress-typing)

"His full name, please"

All 3 dads look at each other baffled.

Sam goes with Jack Kline, which, a season and a bit later, is the first canonical use of it as Jack's surname

They're cautious about using Winchester, understandably, but it's a nice reminder that Kelly is family too and as the dead parent, naming Jack in tribute to her should have been something they were doing all along (like, season 13 all along), especially as he even visited the Klines earlier this season. Sam being the one who thinks to do this is nice because he's the most dad-aligned to Jack in a traditional sense when it's come to raising him (Cas got the pre-birth role as the traditional father role) and Cas obviously had the strongest connection to Kelly before that but this isn't a moment about her so much as these 3 stressed dads.

LOL Date of birth. Sam wins another point for knowing it, while Dean makes back and forth guesses on '99/2000, making Jack 19 or 20, which would at least mean any one of them could have fathered him and chopping 10 years off Alex's age to compromise between look and feel.

Given Jack's symptoms the nurse should have been a lil more concerned asking about trips to West Africa or other likely Ebola places lately. (This may be poor timing on the show's part but isn't there a fresh outbreak right now?)

(Oof I googled it and there's "Congo Ebola outbreak 2nd worst in history" articles dated 6 hours ago... Maybe a bad year to write haemorraghic diseases for fun and also how comes no one is talking about this in the news and it's all blah blah brexit... Have we just stopped fearing it now a few outbreaks have shown it mostly stays contained in African countries so now they can just suffer it on their own? I'm making a 4am donation to relief efforts)

*returns from the doctors without borders website* anyway back to the fictional sick white boy

And his very stressed dads

I have no idea how much of this is medically accurate but I feel like this is particularly dramatised to match hospital visits people have experienced which did not involve bringing in a stumbling, feverish, person who is having seizures and coughing blood

it's still objectively sad to see TFW lined up all stressed out and Cas and Dean holding hands while they stare through the giant window

The doctors aren't wearing masks even though he has been COUGHING BLOOD

sheesh this entire hospital is in quarantine now

Nick saying he was "getting hammered" the night of the murder isn't super subtle

Cas aggressively still trying to watch over Jack even though they won't let him in the room. Dean paces and talks about ghouls in the middle of the hospital to let off stress.

Cas goes to watch over him in person while Sam and Dean have a personal chat. This is awful D:

I appreciate the sentiment of busting Jack out before they pay the hospital bills because they're running out of medical options and need to turn to magic ones, a la every dramatic event ever in their lives except that one time Dean broke his leg and Sam was too out of it with the Hallucifers to sell his soul to make it better, but if Jack's in system shutdown wouldn't at least keeping him with state of the art equipment mean things like transfusion and machines that keep him propped up?

Mind you his bloodtype is probably, like, X evil negative or something Bucklemingy

It's in his DNA... He might be cute but he's still born of their episodes and wacky non con ideas... It was gonna catch up to him eventually D: You can't outrun it forever!!

I accidentally hit a button and 8x02 started playing on VLC

"DEEEAN" Cas shoves him through the portal out of purgatory, credits roll, this was officially the weirdest episode ever.

(No I didn't watch the whole thing, I was literally paused on the last shot from where I was about to gif it last night when I fell asleep)

Sam already called Rowena... Smart cookie

obligatory yell at Cas shedding the coat to put on Jack so they don't walk him out in a hospital gown

Oh my god Jack's so sick he's white as a sheet and being carried out by 2 of his dads and he still has a lil well of snark to be like "fine we're leaving" to the doctor.

"There's just no talking to him when he gets like this"

We're at the promo scene and I'm still not 100% sure after sleeping on it that Rowena definitely did not have the Book of the Damned, and that she hadn't been able to make off with it at the end of season 11, never for it to be seen again, because she was very much in the process of stealing the Black Grimoire in 13x22, but this does, I guess, make sense in regards to which book would serve Jack better, and Mittens tried her best to convince me that Rowena plausibly did not have it because the Winchesters did... I'm still suspicious because I really did just assume that she took it and the implication was we didn't see it because SHE had hidden it, and from a line in a Buckleming episode as well. And either way around her showing up with it makes sense that she had it but I'd have occam's razor'd it that she stole the obvious books at the obvious times and not that 13x22 became a BotD heist on top of everything else :P

Jack is up and about!!

He's using a more gravelly voice and it's actually a really hot voice and for literally the first time the Alex/Jack divide (gulf) in my head that one is my age and hot and the other is a 12 year old is a bit shaken. I mean Jack's canonically now supposed to be around 19-20? Which explains why he has a "wooo spring break" attitude when we see in the promo he snaps and wants to go to Vegas.

They grow up so fast.

Anyway considering he was in total organ shutdown a lil while ago it seems a night's rest has done him well if he's wandering around the bunker

Can't tell if we swapped writers or what... well, it seems like it's possible given Jack's fluctuating sickness, which of course could just be a plot thing but also a mark of the inconsistencies in Buckleming episodes. It's still odd to me that in the filming process it didn't occur to them that Jack might not at least sway on the spot at little, but he's really standing there like a little trooper, upright and talking confidently.

And betraying to Rowena that his dads like her and say nice things about her behind her back, which is catastrophic for them. How dare. You're damaging the foundations of their relationship.

*cough cough*

"Bollocks"

Yep, her heart has softened, Jack won her over in record time, and she's just thinking about that time she adopted a wee Polish lad and loved him as her own because Jack is genetically engineered to be a blank slate son version of a Mary Sue. You take one look at him and he is Your Son in whatever way will most harm you.

Good grief I wish Crowley was still around to see what HILARIOUS overlap with Gavin we'd have wrung out of Jack's main superpower.

Cas offering his grace to stabilise Jack on the spot. Halp. It's more important to him that his son lives by miles, that this isn't even an internal debate for him. In a way, obvious that Cas would be like this as a parent, in another, Cas just offered to give up his grace live on TV

Rowena shoots down the obvious solution (oh and thank god that for once the show actually even references obvious solutions) and starts talking about how we need archangel grace and as soon as she says that I think "oh, Michael" and Dean starts to come over weird with a wooziness that makes me wonder if that was timed for the audience "oh there's one out there right now" and why would DEAN be personally affected right thiiiiiis second..............................

When they go on spring break together we're getting right to the murderin

I mean SOMETHING is up and Dean's right now having his own weird moment as Rowena talks about how Jack will now have a fluctuating set of symptoms for the sake of the plot so

It's possible this is just his internal POV emotional reaction to bad news because this is what happens to me when I hear it but I suspect Dean is a lil more healthy than me in the first place so doesn't verge on passing out whenever a catastrophe happens regularly. And also Sam and Cas aren't similarly struck with physical symptoms at the news their son is dying.

Ya know, Buckleming, or probably Eugenie specifically which makes it all the worse, writing this woman taking a call in a dark alleyway, then not being terrified to be approached by a weird man and on top of that stopping and turning to invite him to join her in the club... this is the kind of thing where they're writing someone going against all natural instinct that it's bad characterisation for someone we've literally never met before just to put her in danger.

I mean at least they didn't make Nick stab a random woman (and a black woman at that to add to their overall awful stats)

I like how Jack's just decided Vegas or Tahiti are places you just kinda go to die... I mean I don't know what he's learned about them but it all has to be absorbed through the media in his most innocent way. I feel like there's something very sweet about whatever he thinks you do in these places of reputed sin and blaze of glory live fast die young lifestyles, but also utterly tragic. Consumptive tragic hero but with a twist of the reckless and dangerous later tropes of... It's 5am and I can't think but like. Vegas. Drugs and gambling high life style tropey films and books from the American tradition.

And of course it's Dean (who utterly fits into this trope and even has yearly Vegas trips with Sam since discovering his psychic powers back in season 1 and also lives a blaze of glory mindset) who brings him the deadly glass of milk (film trope about innocence but also like, people dying) and a sandwich loaded with salami. Dean went all out to make that for Jack - a couple of episodes after sending a woman off to "make him a sandwich" and regretting it as he spoke, we see the yank the cloth away reveal of Dean's nurturing side where he is the caregiver who shows affection through food and will go to the trouble of making his boy a delicious sandwich.

"Nice." See? He's Dean's son and Dean approves his choice of places to die. "You sure this is the best time?"

"Pretty sure it is," Jack says, backpack on, already almost out the door. He's found a brown corduroy jacket which is both unlike his beige jackets and suits from the rest of his life aside from the blue apocalypse world one, and also very very much like Sam's iconic season 1-2 brown corduroy jacket that he mostly stopped wearing although I think was the one Dean wore in 4x01 as one of its sporadic dwindling appearances, if I'm not wrong.

I probably am but either way, it's a change to darker colours, something Sam-associated to fit the gap of this smol dangerous dying kid Dean has to deal with, and puts Jack in thick earthier tones, thicker clothes to ward against the cold of death, and dressed more like TFW than normal as he usually has quite a distinct child-like version of their clothes.

Jack's concept of life and mortality is fucked, possibly because he was a functioning being after a day or two of gathering his thoughts and starting to come to terms with asking deep philosophical questions about himself, so in a way discovering he only has a couple more weeks to live is hardly anything. He's a fucking mayfly.

Ugh it's now solidly 5am and I am clearly not going back to sleep so I give up, I'm finally getting coffee. The rest of the notes will be maybe a wee bit more coherent :P

Anyway kettle thought: due to Jack and Dean's murder or be murdered relationship (lordy how is this the only way you relate to fatherhood, my guy?) I kinda suspect that Dean's about to abscond with Jack without even telling dad 1 or dad 2, because he is dad 3 and that's totally cool and he's a responsible adult, but, you know, woozy and doomed while Jack is also consumptive and doomed. BAD COMBO.

I charge you with grounds of diminished responsibility due to mutual murder narrative doom

"I'm done being special. Before my life is over, I want to live it"

Okay remember in season 1 episode 14 where Dean was like "LOL WE SHOULD GO TO VEGAS BECAUSE YOU ARE PSYCHIC"? and I referenced that like 5 minutes ago so you should, obviously I've only ever been able to headcanon the reveal of Vegas Week in season 7 (Dabb episode, take a shot) dates back to that and is one of their between episode activities which makes sense that since they only started travelling as adults together in the canon of the show (and Sam 1 year older than drinking age) that it might as well have been when they started the tradition?

Well Jack here is reacting like Dean would have if HE were the one in Sam's shoes in 1x14, and being the fun lil brother who actually would be like fuck it let's go to Vegas and see how psychic I am in the casinos! In the context of season 1 Sam is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too angsty and tragic to do anything other than come across as a stick in the mud who thinks Dean is joking and they're gonna carry on being tragic and hunting monsters instead. Dean in season 2, episode 9, also wanted to fuck off and go have fun when Sam's scary destiny got too much for him to carry, and that was when he was locked in the murder or save him vow from John's last words, which is a similar burden to the narrative bind he's in with Jack.

Jack, all of his fathers' son, finally shows up as the god damn first person to take his doom sensibly and actually want to fuck off to Vegas, and that's demon!Dean levels of fuck it.

Incidentally I half-suspect that Crowley, who has billions of dollars and once bid the moon in an auction (hi I watched 99% of 8x02 yesterday and 1% of it just now) probably was steering demon!Dean waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay carefully around the thought of wait a minute I have an extremely rich and powerful sugar daddy and no responsibilities... VEGAAAAAAAS.

Like, any time Dean started to form the thought, bam, naked triplets show up in their room.

Anyway Jack's busy being tragic, talking about wanting to get a tan (Beach now linked to something to do before death) or see a hockey game (oh shit we forgot Adam) or get a parking ticket (oh so that's why Dean murders him)

"And when it's all over... die."

Dean looks over his shoulder, mind made up to abduct the boy and take him joyriding

"So that's your plan, huh?"

"I don't want to waste time arguing"

"Did I say I disagree"

jack, this is Fun Dad

I know, the concept is completely radical and you've never seen Dean be fun but trust me.

Even with your very, very limited options, Sam has literally had 3 episodes about how he's Scrooge, and Cas is... Cas. But Dean is legitimately fun dad when you get him on a good day. Trust me.

No one's speaking to Rowena??? How wild.

Poor thing is never going to get her mega coven

Dean (who has rocked up already wearing his jacket) spaces out as Sam starts blahing on about the culturally appropriative shaman Ketch has located.

Same, buddy

At least Dean isn't lying to them about stealing Jack. Somewhat. Not the whole Vegas plan.

Jack smiles at Sam and Cas in a kind of way that somehow conveys in its entirety "this may be the last time you see me but I'm cool with you NOT seeing me die of coughing my lungs up and fun dad has this covered and we've always had a weird death cult about our relationship anyway so I'm okay with it and you guys were the best dads but now fun dad is going to take me out back and shoot me where you can't see and I love you bye"

"Why don't you drive?"

Jack is like ?!?!?!?!? D:

EVEN ON HIS DEATHBED he hadn't figured this would ever happen

It's the make a wish foundation :')

This is, of course, the ultimate sign of Dean loving you and caring for you in Dean's own special way of not telling you he does but showing it with a gesture of absolute confidence and letting you in, and in the vast annuls of the show dates back to the second ever episode where Dean let Sam drive at the end for all of 1 shot (seriously, they've swapped back by the long shot at the end of 1x02 where you can't see them in the car but the prop drivers are definitely doing a generic Sam in the passenger seat Dean driving routine for stock footage :P)

Anyway Dean loves Jack enough that he's letting a kid who does not know how to drive learn to drive in the Impala, like he and Sam did.

I can see Alex sweating bullets about being seated next to Jensen in the beloved Impala and having to mess up turning it on... never mind the fact that both Jensen AND Dean will murder him if he harms the car, and being murdered on both levels at once is spiritually unsettling and he will probably end up an unquiet ghost.

And yet, the glee at being behind the wheel of this legendary gal

TRAGIC NYOOOOOM

"It's like I'm you! :D"

"No, it's not! :D (but with implied murder)"

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER"

Look if he survives this, you're creating a speed demon who will want his own classic car

And then you'll have to teach him how to maintain it

oh god

But yeah, non-toxic parenting in the John Winchester As He Could Have Been style.

At least as long as Dean is in the Make A Wish mode and not back to tragic murder mode

And that wooziness that he may or may not be associating with no sleep and too much stress suggests this isn't going to last as a Fun Day Trip For The Boy

"Cas are you sure you want to handle this alone?"

NO HE NEEDS A HUG HIS SON IS DYING

Sam, go hug him, you need a hug and your son is dying.

Also, of course, you mutually need each other in this instance and Sam is reaching out to Cas with presumably the intent that he wants to be in on it but is asking as if just concerned about Cas

Cas, being Cas, has somehow deduced that Dean is "taking this particularly hard" despite the fact all three of them are Concerned Dads and CAS WHAT THE FUCK are you doing being selflessly concerned about DEAN and sizing up his emotional state when all three of you are wrecked and your son is dying?

You literally have 3x the sitting at his bedside holding his hand moments of any of them and montaged the heck out of the concern at the start of the episode

I remember way back someone wankily made a chart of how often people talked to Dean about stuff and other people talked to each other about Dean, and Sam is now crying about Dean beating himself up over being mean to Jack at the start of season 13 and regretting it, so this entire conversation is Sam and Cas man paining at each other about how much man pain Dean is in.

I say with no wank in my heart, just sheer horrified amusement at this data point if they still are hate-watching the show and being horrified about how Sam never gets stuff for himself etc (I mean. He and Cas both have had extended chunks of seasons about them parenting Jack and this is Dean's time to come belatedly to what the two of them already had)

Cas finally says "son" a season and change after Jack was wandering around calling him "father" and Sam doesn't seem inclined to disagree that this is how it feels for all 3 of them.

Obviously he's crying about Jack and it was just the context above that made it look like he was crying about Dean and I always knew that, I'm not a monster, I'm just deflecting because owwwwwwwww this hurts

HUG EACH OTHER YOU DUMB FUCKS SO I FEEL BETTER

Cas walks off instead and Sam finally after 1000 years discovers how Dean feels when Cas does that when he was angling to come along and they miscommunicated and didn't say what they meant. Except Sam wanted to come out of mutual Dad Angst comfort while Dean normally wants to go with Cas places so he can hold his hand.

Jack's so proud of himself for being able to drive.

"Born with a wheel in your hand"

He literally stole the Impala from you when he was 7 months in the womb

Dean is like, we could get you laid? And Jack is like. Nah. I have a better idea.

No idea what right now but he still doesn't wanna bang anyone

Ugh a Nick scene. Tag yourself I'm the old tyre in the foreground

Is this the house from Family Remains aka the self-admitted worst episode of the show by Kripke and Carver's explicit design

I am going to puke Jack wanted to go on a fishing trip with his dad

There were spoilers about them doing this but I repressed it the fuck down and lied to myself that Jensen was randomly teaching Alex to fish on set because I didn't want to think about Dean doing this with Jack because oh my god someone has taken my heart and gouged it out with a rusty spoon.

Also: someone design Jack a t-shirt with a witty slogan about fishing rather than hook ups. Like, dude bro fishing culture but in a world where you're as likely to get dumb slogans about not wanting sex as you are for it making you a babe magnet

"I'd rather be fishin" is a thing people get on mugs for the workplace but we could start with this sentiment and play

ALSO AS I MENTIONED I WATCHED 8x02 IN THE LAST 24 HOURS AND DEAN NEAR RIVERS SUCKS. We also have 10x01 and Daniel the fishing angel (who was the pizza man from Monster Movie, see above: slogans about fishing, pizza man innuendo, we got a thing going here) who was happy on Earth just fishing and enjoying the planet and not wanting to go back to Heaven, in a very heavy metaphor for Cas to deal with, as the angel who once compared free will to teaching poetry to fish. Lots and lots to unpack here, when we turn this into a Dean and Jack father son bonding moment and throw in Dean's peaceful dream of fishing in 4x20 that Cas interrupted. Fishing is about peace and idyll and comes as a temporary respite in this show. Traditionally, also, of course it's a sport of patience, and a classic father son bonding activity as the long stillness allows for both manly silence and sharing beers in peace, but also talk if they want to open up a conversation.

For Jack, it's an overlap of both Cas and Dean parental stuff, Cas's issues with angelic nature, where he wants to be, WHO he wants to be (just OFFERING to give up his grace to save Jack) and then with Dean we have more classic human cultural tropes but none less painful for Jack's nature and relationships. Especially throwing in that this was his choice and Dean is indulging him completely here.

John may or may not have taught them to fish but I feel like it may have had a "so you are dying in the woods" aspect to it rather than for peace and bonding. BOBBY taught Sam and Dean some basic woodsmanship so he was more likely to be the father figure teaching them to fish if anyone did.

Okay so obviously I typed that just after clutching my heart at the reveal and hitting pause, as Jack immediately goes on to say that John DID teach Dean how to fish and that it was his happiest memory of him - and it comes as a surprise for the expectations (like, that the above paragraph now stands as what I would expect of canon if I was only taking from it and not as an actual writer of the show being allowed to insert new details in which challenge us about the characters, which is where I find the line between fan fic and original fiction really is when it comes to characterisation... Anything out of left-field and you have to tag it as an AU version or explain why instead of just writing it as taken for granted).

And it's unexpected in the sense that it is such a peaceful thing and above all I think the message is that Jack intuited from whatever Dean said about it that it WAS a happy peaceful memory of John which stood so much at odds with the rest of his life. Filed under as well the thing where Mary started talking about how nice John was to Sam and Sam recoiled in confusion until Mary clarfied it was her John, not theirs. Good memories of a gentle soft John are alarming, and yet perhaps this is a way to really confront and exorcise his ghost more than anything - the sort of funeral servive memorialising of the good with the bad and working through it to come to peace in a different sort of way that lets the wounds heal and the anger leave those scars.

"It was how you said it. I could tell." He's such a smart cookie and I think that often takes Dean by surprise in the sense that Jack has been very shrewdly watching him and learning from him and absorbing anything and everything he does, which unfortunately gives him the ability to cold read Dean like very few people do, seeing past the layers and bluffs and into Dean's core.

Jack just murdered Dean by saying if he doesn't make it he wouldn't miss Tahiti or the Taj Mahal or implied going to seedy bars and hooking up, he'd miss more time with Dean.

I mean that's not a literal way to kill someone but you should see Dean's face. He's been shot.

And again, it's a metaphor for what you want from life for DEAN to absorb, the prompt that his family is right here and he doesn't need to chase pleasure outside of them, that hook up bar nearby their home base where he never strikes out, that's irrelevant to the family he has built and it's been put in the subtext of what Dean goes after that's empty pleasure when he has this core family unit around him, by the way Jack has also rejected it and is explaining to Dean the real meaning of Christmas.

Of course, this all gets a bit weird unless you account for the fact he has an angel wearing a trenchcoat made of husband material waiting back at the Bunker because the chronic singleton life otherwise probably ought to account for an outlet for Dean like a hook up bar if his happy ending is a platonic family bond so, you know, end the show 10 minutes from now with everyone happy and alive and not dying, and all Dean's learned is they're 3 dads, one son, a mom and her AUBobby, but he still has unused romantic potential and for seasons and seasons they've been trying to close the door on him seeking out random hook ups in the subtext of what Dean WANTS vs what he thinks he can have. This frank conversation about what Jack wants from life before it's all over is once again ignoring fleeting human connection for the family bonds he values above everything.

"I've had a good life, Dean" the other reason they're having this sentimental conversation by a river is because Jack is a fucking mayfly and I hate this

@ Dabb please never make me see Cas driving this car ever again

Why are you irritating Cas like this. First boring holy fire oh it must be thursday followed by the indignity of making him sit on a pouffe? Listen, when Cas gets irritated he gets snarky and then people die because he snarked them to death. I saw it he did it to the Empty. And Lucifer in 13x12. And Kip.

I just feel sorry for Cas. Why can't he go on fishing trips with the boy. Oh no he has to sit on a squishy pouffe that won't let him be intimidating so that he can cure the boy even though Jack's already decided he's gonna die and will probably Ophelia himself into the river at the end of the fishing trip.

Sergei is basically like "Have you tried turning it off and on again"

Nephilim have a reboot button on the back of their neck, if you get a paperclip and poke it in there.

At least Sergei is so... whatever he is... I can't even tell who he is supposed to be offensive towards :P I guess with the name, I lean Russian, and then he has world esoterica and occult nonsense in his caravan...

The real question is how does he know anything about Nephilim and why hasn't Cas asked that already.

LOL he has a vial of Gabriel grace just lying around. Of course, because Gabriel was just offering it up to everyone.

Considering how he was exploited for it by Asmodeus there's a weird tinge of retconning his own abuse by saying he was going around giving it to everyone before Asmodeus ever bought him and started stealing it on the regular.

Still, it IS awfully tempting a fix to have Uncle Gabriel help Jack out from beyond.

/distantly: "I'm not dead!"

sometimes I can still hear his voice.

It's way more likely Shit Goes Down and this is lost but then Cas has learned what to do with archangel grace to fix Jack just so long as they can pin down Michael and grab his instead.

But I guess in that circumstance at least once again Gabriel gave them part of the answer from beyond the grave as he did in season 5.

("Still not dead!!")

shush Gabriel. The show wants us to think you're dead and my complete disbelief in that doesn't change anything for now.

Except that maybe Gabriel came back, is fine, but has been removing his grace and selling it in the here and now while claiming not to be Gabriel and that he just haaaappens to have it and because he has no grace he could just be any old guy who happens to have an endless renewable resource of archangel grace secretly on tap to sell to fund his life of laying low. Sergei even says HE got it as part of keeping Gabriel hidden.

I'm kind of assuming Sergei isn't Gabriel unless he offers Cas kielbasa

I mean unless later I get a bonus cookie for immediately assuming Sergei is Gabriel based on the holy fire he just happened to have prepared and how similar it looked to Gabriel being trapped in 5x08.

On the other hand this may be the first time this season but pointing at literally everyone and going, that's probably Gabriel, will get old and also dock me cookie points the more wrong guesses I throw out there. Still, this one has pretty strong evidence, from messing with Cas to making him say "Porn stars"

To, um, having Gabriel's grace

Okay so Sergei gives Cas all of this out of the goodness of his heart and a "you owe me" and I AM wondering if that's a Buckleming special because remember in 8x19 where they were like hi we need to go to Hell immediately, and Ajay was like sure, I will take you to Hell and this episode is even titled after me so clearly I am an important character who *stab stab reaper dying noises* wow look I guess we don't have a bargain after all despite me saying you owe me but then Crowley just maaaaagically made it so you never had to find out what a reaper would want in exchange for taking you to Hell off the books.

Also fuck you I never got to finish my pizza

While I've been typing some random ass justice for Ajay screed, Nick has revealed a flashback to 14x02 where it turns out his neighbour said it was a cop who he saw coming out of the house. I literally went back and checked the episode and that wasn't in it, so perhaps it's a new flashback for here, fleshing out that conversation and revealing more for us, and changing the narrative of what Nick's up to, but honestly who cares enough about all this... I was double zoned out for flashbacks I'd already seen for a side story i don't care about

Wow, Nick, demons killed ya family. Could have told you that.

Aw, Dean brought Jack home. No dying out in the wilderness for you, clearly Cas phoned up before Jack could work out his plan to fling himself into the river.

Also Nick has taken up too much of this episode so there's no room for complicated twists and turns, if Buckleming are banned from introducing too many of them.

It's incredible how subdividing them so Eugenie writes all the Nick stuff and Brad writes the rest has elevated the parts of the story we care about to pretty much passable, give or take whatever Sergei was and who he was offensive to aside from the whole concept of calling yourself a shaman because you travelled the world collecting occult stuff in a sort of Aleister Crowley way.

'cept you can't namedrop Aleister on this show because both Alastair and Crowley have stolen too much from him.

So you get a knock off Sergei instead.

Jack hasn't been having as many of the supposed fainting fits that had everyone dogpiling him as I thought - maybe that's next episode too. Could have had one at the start but that doesn't seem enough to be a repeated annoyance of Alex's life :P

Anyway I was just going to comment on his sweater but that thought hopped in there first wondering if the spell was about to knock him flat, as he's sitting on a chair instead of safely in bed.

All the more dramatic for flinging yourself around if the spell messes you up

(honestly if the spells don't work, and they took him out of the hospital, how much of a bizarre commentary is this on trusting modern medicine and vaccinating your nephilims?)

It's 7:20 and my neighbours are yelling again

At least being awake since 3 meant I got a bit more peace and quiet than normal. I feel gross but I may go to yoga just to not be stuck in this room with such awful screeching on both sides of me >.>

Oh I can tell Sergei is Gabriel, he put the grace in a gold container instead of the silver ones

I'm sorry for the expenses, Zerbe

I wonder if they use her products on the show and I'm gonna go on my dash and find her beaming about a specially commissioned shiny gold grace that she made for them :P

"Here, hold this bottle of your uncle's essence"

".... okay I understand how weird that sounded on hindsight"

I love the idea of Jack's grace now being fuelled by Nice Uncle Gabriel who felt kindly towards him, even if this can't be a permanent fix, it changes his internal make up just a bit so that he symbolically has his grace stolen by his shitty bio father but the power only came from him in the first place and there was all the hoo ha about if Lucifer as his father made him inherently evil. Now whatever happens to Jack, he's had a grace transplant from a suitable donor, very much like a parallel of say he needed a kidney transplant and his 2 viable donors were his shitty deadbeat dad who gave him the kidney condition in the first place and his nice dead uncle who happened to have been an organ donor and was the only other one with the same type (if Lucifer's was X evil negative, then I guess Gabriel's is like X tricksy negative which has enough receptors to be a compatible transfusion, while Cas has like, Z dumbass positive grace and no compatibility)

And Gabriel is a beloved character who proved his kind feeling towards Jack even if they had very little bonding overall, he clearly cared and there was an immediate sort of uncle-y kindness about him in relation to Jack (just the comment alone about identifying that Jack liked shiny things and magic tricks is very much how uncles view small children who they may watch and entertain but not in the end have parental responsibility for), which is hilarious to me because Gabriel deeply reminds me of all 3 of my uncles on my mum's side, who are all 3 different shades of trickster god in their own right, and he always has reminded me of them, and now the show has sort of made Uncle Gabriel his new legacy.

I mean. I love it to bits.

It's not a sacrifice FOR Jack like Cas would have given up his grace, but it's still a part of him passed on to Jack.

I am very very aware that like me running my mouth about John (ironically the name of one of my uncles) while hitting pause, I've stopped while Jack is looking up with glowing eyes and he's almost certainly about to spew a fountain of blood across the room and fall on the floor. But I like that the grace even interacted with him and lit up his eyes and unless he physically barfs out the grace to I'm sticking by that ramble.

Cas smiled!! That's the once per season and we already hit it at episode 7, woe betide us

This does look, however, like the scene where they were all looking on from the door so... blood spew in 5 4 3 2 1...

DOGPILE THE BOY

Er, I mean, help him

God I would not want Jared to dogpile me, the man weighs literally as much as an actual moose

Uhoh Sergei made Cas mad

I mean

he made him sit on a pouffe, this was always coming

What do you mean Eugenie can't let Lucifer go wow what a shock

*kicks a pebble*

Ah, here's the concerned dads scene. I'm just going to let that be a balm to my soul while Dean laments ever taking Jack out to have fun.

"You made him happy. You did more for him than any of us"

1 dude you tried, 2 you took him on hunting trips and had fun already this season so he got his Cas Time before he died like he wanted 3 just fucking abduct him wrapped in a duvet and go fishing in the dead of night if you have to, trust me, he'd love it and your family is such a mess he wouldn't even think it's weird.

I mean you've literally absconded illegally with him before, what's a trip up to that beach where he was born and some fishing gear really going to cost you with annoyance from Dean

"What can we do?" "Watch over him," Rowena says with Cas in the background, and continues to carve me out with a rusty spoon

"As he dies"

Nah he'll be fine shut up Rowena D:

*whimper*

Well that was a very good episode if you act like me and pretend that none of the Nick stuff happened at all.

#14x07 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff

198 notes · View notes

thesickpanda · 5 years

Text

Lyrica Withdrawal

When I was new to the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, I really had no idea how many of the specialists I was seeing also had no idea. I naïvely assumed they knew what was best for me and in desperation, took their advice and went on medications that proved disastrous for me.

The Background:

The first medication I was put on was Lyrica (pregabalin) at a dose of 150 mg morning and 75 mg at night. I initially did feel some relief. For around six months I felt like the edge had been taken off. A few months after that, I came off drug cold turkey with no withdrawal effects. However, I did notice a return to a very bad baseline of pain and so I went back on the drug. It was definitely doing some good.

Fast forward a few years later and I'm suffering from severe withdrawal effects of the anti-depressant I was also put on (Cymbalta). It takes me nearly a year to come off that drug. It gives me a taste of what’s in store for me when I try to come off the Lyrica...

After being on pregabalin for six years, I I start noticing some things. If I accidentally miss a dose, I get terribly agitated and feel nauseous and sweaty. The symptoms disappear around half an hour after I take Lyrica again. This worries me, but I have so many other fires to fight in my life, I shelve that fear for now.

By year 7, I no longer feel as if the drug is doing anything for my pain (I don’t think it has done much in many years, actually, as I have long-suspected I built up a tolerance to it).

Instead, I want to take medicinal cannabis. I figure it would be best to come off Lyrica before I try new medicine. I see my regular doctor at the beginning of 2018 and express my desire to come off the drug as well as my concerns about withdrawal. Like most doctors, she is ignorant of its effects and tells me there are no withdrawals from Lyrica and I should be fine. She tells me it works in the central nervous system so what could possibly go wrong? It's not like it's an SSRI or anything. She tells me to take 25 mg out of my dose each week. Like a fool, I trust her and do this.

And So It Begins:

Getting from 150mg to 100 mg doesn't seem to do me much harm. I'm therefore lulled into a false sense of security that everything is going okay. In February, however, I start having depressive episodes and low mood. I start feeling hopeless and angry and anxious all the time. I have vivid night terrors. What's so insidious about the drug is that all this snuck up on me. The depression fell perfectly rational considering I was upset about being in a state of constant pain. I was recovering from foot surgery and could not do much exercise ot get out much. It was also extremely hot and so I was unable to leave the house for several days at a time. This is enough to upset most people. However, I wasn't just a bit blue: I went from being somewhat disgruntled with the situation to feeling suicidal, experiencing sudden spikes of intense emotion. I began to self-harm, randomly smashing my own face with my first. The spikes are so dramatic they take me unaware. One moment I'm talking casually to my partner on the phone, the next I’m banging my head against the wall screaming my lungs out. It's nothing that he said, it's just a sudden feeling of utter despair and anguish. During this terrible episode, I phoned the suicide hotline, wanting someone to talk me out of using the kitchen knives to end it all. What's so frightening is that I seem so ready to do it, as well. I've always been one of those people terrified of my own mortality, so for me to suddenly want to die with such intensity seemed a little odd. Thank goodness that little rational voice in my head guided me to the suicide hotline. The episode passed and I was left feeling completely numb inside.

Later, I began to have hallucinations where I would see things warp and shift before my eyes. I lost time. I often felt dizzy and had intense derealisation that scared me so much. This went on for about two weeks before I realised it was the drug that was doing this. I told my doctor and she instructed me to stabilise the dose immediately. She was utterly surprised that I’d had a reaction and kept reiterating that Lyrica doesn't have withdrawal effects. (Seriously, she was like a broken record!). I told her to do what I had done: go online and Google it. There are people suing Pfizer because of these effects. There are people who have wound up in hospital after suicide attempts or after blackouts where they lost their minds. There are people who’re addicted to the drug, suffering terrible anxiety if they don't get it.

The Truth About Lyrica:

I understand Lyrica can help some people, and to those people I wish you well and hope it continues to support you. But my stand on Lyrica is that it’s a HECK of a dangerous drug. It hijacks your body's ability to make certain chemicals so that you gets physically dependent on it. Pfizer has not told doctors about the withdrawal effects and they have exaggerated its benefits for chronic pain, too. There was certainly no mention of it in the leaflets when I first obtained the drug. But only a casual Internet search reveals innumerable horror stories of thousands of individuals who went through weeks or months of horrific symptoms trying to get off this drug. And like me, they were told time and time again by doctors that they can't possibly be experiencing the very real, very frightening effects of withdrawal.

The smallest dose of Lyrica that I can buy is 25 mg. I sincerely believe this is deliberate. I feel that if Pfizer made smaller doses, it would make tapering off the drug easier. After my bad experience, I stabilised my Lyrica and was too afraid to come off it. They got one more year of money out of me. I now have to pay Pfizer for the privilege of not going insane. Thanks to this wicked setup, I am dependent on a drug I no longer want to take and which is no longer doing me any good.

Back to my Story:

As mentioned in a previous post, 2018 was a hard year for me for many reasons, and the withdrawals only made it worse. Still, one glimmer of hope remained. My cannabis prescriber, a wonderful doctor I had the pleasure of meeting in June of last year, told me that the liver enzyme that processes cannabis is not the same that breaks down Lyrica, meaning I could take the drugs together. It takes a few months of titration, but finally I find a dose of cannabis that helps me sleep solidly for the first time in many years. Up until this point, I would wake up a dozen or more times in the night and maybe get around 4 to 5 hours collectively. On cannabis, I have 4 to 6 hours of unbroken sleep, which is almost a novelty to me. Unfortunately, one day I stuff up my cannabis dose and accidentally and very unexpectedly get extremely high. I know this sounds funny to many people, and even I can see the funny side of it. However, the sensations were really intense and I vividly hallucinated. All of this was very triggering as it reminded me of the derealisation and panicked feelings that I would get on Lyrica, so my response to feeling high was panic. I was paranoid and anxious and agitated for hours. I really disliked the sensations and felt out of control and incredibly scared.

Lyrica and Cymbalta “Ruined Drugs” For Me:

I am a firm believer that if I had not had such terrible experiences with both Lyrica and Cymbalta, I could handle the stoning effects of cannabis. I also feel that if I had known what to expect from a cannabis high, I would also have been less terrified. All that being said, the experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I drop back my cannabis dose. Over time I work back up to .4ml and for no discernible reason, I get high again. This time it is worse. I'm not as high as it was the first time as I am on a slightly smaller dose, but in the confusion and brainfog that it gives me, I forget to take my Lyrica. Unlike the first time, I can't seem to sleep through the night. I have restless legs, hot flushes, nausea, bad dreams when I do dose and just a general sees sense of foreboding. The first time I got high I noticed that I had a pleasant afterglow in the morning. The second time, however, I felt really rough. It was then that I realised that I had forgotten to take my night dose of Lyrica and that what I had been experiencing was a fantastic combination of being stoned and going through withdrawals. Needless to say, this did not help my emotional relationship with cannabis.

And so for the rest of 2018 and into 2019 I have been experimenting with my dose of cannabis. I am now on a much lower dose than I'd like to be, but it still helps me get around four hours of sleep but it's not enough to get me high. I think I’d have the courage to go up again if only I weren’t facing a frightening upcoming battle.

The Present Day and the Challenge I Now Face:

A week ago, I forget to take my Lyrica again. I missed my night dose and while the cannabis got me to sleep, I soon woke up feeling extremely depressed and anxious and tearful. My partner is sleeping in the living room due to the extremely hot nights we've been having. I wake up and tell him what's I am feeling. He holds me and then gasps, exclaiming that I feel like I'm burning up. I have terrible restless legs and cannot get to sleep, even though a cuddle from him normally is enough to settle me. I tell him that perhaps I am coming down with a fever and I should take a Nurofen. I switch on the lights, see my transparent pill box still full of pills, and realise I'd forgotten to take my Lyrica. I take it with a mix of relief and anger and despite having a near panic attack for the next half hour, eventually its effects kick in and I start to feel less strange. As I lie awake in bed that night waiting for sleep to claim me, I fear I'm never going to be able to get off this drug. Even missing it by a few hours gives me bad withdrawals…

In the light of day the following day, my mind has changed. I am furious at being held hostage by this drug and I refuse to go through this any longer. I am determined to come off Lyrica this year.

My Plan To Come Off Lyrica:

While the (much better informed) online community recommends reducing the dose by 10% every four weeks, this would mean opening up each capsule and somehow parsing out the exact ratio of powder into a new, gelatin capsule. My partner meticulously did this with the Cymbalta, only it was much easier as Cymbalta has beads in it, not powder (all he had to do was count out one bead per new capsule). Lyrica is much more challenging. Last year, he bought expensive, laboratory-level scales to try to measure out the powder and make up the capsules. But it took him about an hour to make up three pills. I saw how gruelling it was for him and decided I didn’t want to do it that way, or at least not that year when so much shit was hitting the fan.

Today, I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to waste any more time on this nonsense. I feel brave enough to come off by a 25 mg drop, only this time I'm going to do it every two months. I'm going to give my body time to adjust to the new dose before I attempt it again.

Last weekend, my partner and I were like generals looking at a map. We stared at the wall planner for 2019 before we marked out long weekends in January, April, June, September, and December. Some of them have public holidays on either side of the weekend whilst others my partner is going to use his annual leave for. We intend for me to drop my dose this Friday morning and he will be home to help me with any of the withdrawals. At least this time, someone will be there to restrain me if I decide I want to kill myself.

We are very alone in this struggle. There are no rehabilitation centres for drugs like Lyrica in Sydney. Most GPs don't even know it has withdrawal effects. Instead, we have to rely on the Internet and a number of Lyrica Withdrawals Support communities on Facebook and forums to help us with this process. The only doctor who has agreed with me that Lyrica is a difficult and dangerous drug is my cannabis prescriber. It point blank called it an “evil drug”. She has told me that CBD oil has been known to help with the withdrawal effects and this is something I have seen mentioned over and over again in the support forums. Many people swear by it. So yesterday, we spent $830 on three bottles of (legal) Canadian CBD oil to help me get through this process. Of course, we will have to keep paying for the Lyrica for the rest of the year, but I intend to make this the last year Pfizer takes our money.

Bracing For Impact:

Tomorrow is the day I drop my morning dose from 75 mg to 50 mg. I don't know what to expect. I mean, I do know what to expect, but I'm not sure if this drop is going to be as severe as previous occasions. After all, I'm not going to drop again until April. Still, the past few nights I have had really bad anxiety. At night, I contort my body into rigid shapes, waking up after 4 hours (when the cannabis is wearing off) to find my whole body in absolutely disgusting pain. I know why my body is doing this, though. I'm extremely tense at the moment, and extremely worried.

But I have to do this. It is time for me to slay this dragon.

Conclusion:

I wanted to make this post so that others are aware of the dangerous withdrawal effects of this drug. I totally understand there are many spoonies for whom this drug has been a boon and I'm glad for you I don't mean in any way to shame people for taking Lyrica or for having a good experience on it. But I do feel like I need to make a public service announcement about its dangers. If I had been warned of these withdrawal effects I may have reconsidered taking it. If I had known what to expect when coming off the drug, I would have tapered much better. I just want others to know that this can be a treacherous drug and that your doctor may not be able to help you. Please be careful.

And also, wish me luck…

Further Reading:

Whole Lawsuits Against Lyrica/Cymbalta companies have sprung up to meet demand.

https://www.enjuris.com/pharmaceutical-liability/lyrica-cymbalta-lawsuits.html

https://www.drugwatcher.org/lyrica-cymbalta-lawsuit/

Read more about the withdrawal symptoms of Lyrica at the blog Mental Health Daily

Read this comment thread on the forums of Chronic Pain Australia to get an idea of the challenges faced by someone trying to come off this medication.

Truly terrifying video on YouTube of BBC’s “Drugs Map of Britain” doco chronicling the pregabalin addiction crisis in Belfast.

youtube

#Lyrica #Lyrica withdrawal #pregabalin #pregabalin withdrawal #drug withdrawls #prescription drug withdrawals #Cymbalta #drug dependency #Fibromyalgia #spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #ignorant doctors #Pfizer #mydoctoralmostkilledme

3 notes · View notes

sheislegend23 · 6 years

Text

10.21.18

Here it goes:: the topic today is PCOS.

PCOS means polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are a lot of things that you can google, but I am going to be talking about my own personal journey and what that means for me now in this moment in time. There’s TMI in here, but reading personal accounts has helped me broaden my mind and knowledge and has certainly helped me realize I’m not alone in my struggles.

First thing you should know is that while some little girls plan their weddings, I planned baby names. I used to say I wanted as many children as I could, and I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family of my own.

Body wise, I was healthy and “normal” until I was about 8 or 9 years old. I slowly gained weight and got “husky”, but nothing to be terribly concerned about. By 12, I was obese. I didn’t get my first period until I was 16, which some say is just being a late bloomer, but in my case was probably the beginning effects of PCOS.

At 11, my parents divorced and my dad and I went off our own way. We had a huuuge learning curve, and I remember eating spaghetti with sauce (and when that ran out - butter) for weeks at a time until he got paid again because spaghetti was cheap, cheap, cheap. We moved again and again and readjusted our lifestyle over and over so we would never have to go back to those rough days, but that period of time was when I went from “husky” to obese.

I hated my body and didn’t understand why eating what was presented as “healthy” as a child wasn’t helping me. At 14, I started dance classes and later tried out and made my high school drill teams. All the dancing and cardio didn’t help my waistline. I didn’t let anyone’s mean comments or my fat body stop me from dancing, which inspired some and repulsed others. I didn’t have regular periods which I chalked up to being so active and fat at the same time. A stressed out body could possibly decide that’s not the best place for a baby to grow, right??

Enter adulthood. Here’s a few things I learned::

1.) Bread is NOT healthy. My mother drilled in my head that bread is good for you and could be a good anytime healthy snack as well as something you HAD to eat at least twice a day. Not sure where she got that information because, especially with my body type, starch and carbs are the enemy. I didn’t learn this til much later, I will alert when it is time.

2.) I have ADD. Specifically, ring of fire ADD (NOT ADHD) which helped explain why I am patient and extremely slow to anger, but once I’m angry, just back off and let me blow off my steam to cool down again. I thought it was because I’m southern. This diagnosis was at the age of 19.

3.) I have PCOS. The doctor I went to perhaps had good intentions, but conveyed very incorrect information and can give you, the reader, a glimpse at how one obese patient was given said info.

At my first OBGYN appointment, she told me that with 95% accuracy, I definitely had PCOS. She glanced over what that meant, but then came to the part she grilled me on - my weight. My weight was most likely causing the PCOS so if I could just stop eating bad and go exercise, I could probably reverse the effects and have a normal body again. I explained that I had danced for years and hadn’t eaten that terribly since I had had to at 12, and she said that I simply must not have been exercising hard enough and eating too much. Insert a HUUUGE eye roll here because as any drill team alum know, it’s plenty.

The real troubling thing came next when I talked about my want for a family in the future. She looked at me very gravely and said that my chances for conception are extremely slim, and if I ever did successfully conceive and didn’t miscarry, I would need to quit my job and stay at home and never be stressed for the whole 9 months because I would be at a very high risk of miscarriage up until the baby came out. Also, “don’t get attached to the first one” because I will likely lose it. Reminder:: A REAL DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS. AT 19. For real.

Her solution: birth control. I was very weary of all types of female birth control because there are a lot of side effects. I took them for a few months, and then stopped.

I don’t hold any ill will towards her, but I later found out that that information is VERY incorrect. My journey however has included believing that lie until 2 years ago.

Shortly after that, I found out I had ADD, so I started taking adderall. I took a high dose because my fat body would absorb it, and when friends or whoever would ask my dosage and I’d tell them, they were horrified and assured me that my heart would definitely explode and they were surprised I wasn’t already dead as a door nail. That’s the problem with opinions, it’s all very personally based. They weren’t thinking of MY fat body at all.

The adderall worked wonders. I could concentrate! I could multitask! I stopped making so many dang piles! Mostly, I stopped eating. I ate regular or smaller meals at “regular” times in the day and if I skipped something, it didn’t matter because I was definitely not hungry.

On weekends, sometimes I would want a break. So I wouldn’t take my adderall and I’d sleep and sleep and sleep and then binge eat and go right back to sleep. My roommates were worried but I felt so healed and cleansed with all that sleep, I wasn’t worried at all.

I grew skinnier and skinnier, and my PCOS symptoms had began to disappear. I was having regular periods, I wasn’t growing hair in weird places, and BY GOD, I could cross my legs like a proper southern belle. Everyone was soooo proud. I was proud, my family, my friends. Everyone from high school was wondering, “how did she do it?!?” My self confidence grew, and for the first time in my life, I started dating.

One day, I met the man who would be my husband. We both expressed our want of children which raised a big ole question:: how could I treat my ADD without adderall? I was scared because I knew what being on adderall is like and what not being on it is like, and my identity as an adult had revolved around and relied on it. If I stopped the medicine, I would get fat again! I was just about to get into single digit clothing, I was beautiful, and yet, I knew I had to stop.

I couldn’t think of any good time to stop, so I just did cold turkey. I was ridiculously tired for 2 weeks, and then I started to feel normal again. Sure enough, I started gaining weight again, eating a lot more, etc etc. I had my soulmate, so it didn’t seem like such a bad deal, but it was depressing nonetheless. The cringes on faces when they saw my weight regain was painful, talks about “what happened to you???” stung, and I felt so ashamed.

Insert that number 1 revelation, bread is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. I learned all about processed foods, and tried the keto diet. It worked and I lost a little bit of weight, but it was unrealistic for long term. Once you’re off keto, all that weight springs back on you, and so it did.

After our marriage, I was off insurance for some time and when I got back on, I was put on metformin for my A1C. My day to day numbers are fine, but my A1C number was ridiculously high. It’s under control now, and we are looking to the next step.

I have researched PCOS and here is the real kicker:: it makes it hard to lose weight but if you could just lose weight, it would get the symptoms under control. However, one of the symptoms is that it is hard to lose weight. It’s a great big freakin’ circle. I’m not talking “stop eating bread” hard. I’m talking “don’t even think about looking at carbs” hard. The only thing that helped was dropping all carbs and then I got yelled at for a non balanced diet. IT’S FRUSTRATING!

Here’s my plan:: cut out things in baby steps.

Step 1:: no more drinking my sugar intake. Proud to say, I have completed this step. This is one southern woman who drinks UNsweet iced tea and water only, please.

Step 2:: no more fast food. Still working on this one, it’s so easy and yummy but I have cut it to once a week.

Step 3:: no more junk food.

Step 4:: healthy meals only.

The scary thing is that the help for conception is all very expensive. The words of my previous OBGYN keep swimming through my head. I struggle to force myself to go to baby showers because while I am thrilled for my friend and their new little one, I am envious and that is an ugly color. Every time I see a child that’s been abused, it makes me tear up because I would love to adopt a child and love them to pieces. Adoption isn’t an option for us sadly due to things out of our hands (still looking into this, but the process of adoption of American children is hard and expensive), but the thought still hurts.

God wouldn’t put such a strong desire for having children in my heart if I wasn’t meant to have any, right?

I hope that anyone who got this far will remember this:: a lot of this struggle was silent as it was happening. I certainly know that if given the choice, I would have the correct BMI for my height. I didn’t choose this struggle, and unkind words make it harder to shoulder. As the Beatles say, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Thanks to those who have supported me and let me vent to them about these struggles, and for those who have been with me as I navigate my way into the future.

#pcos #polycystic ovarian syndrome #attention defecit #fat #fat women #lose weight #goals #bodypositivity #struggle #infertility #pcoscysters #obesity

11 notes · View notes

davids69811 · 3 years

Text

Discovering a Computer Service Center You Can Trust Fund

Your have a computer repair service that needs to get done as soon as possible. You are ready to take it anywhere. Question is, where should you take it? Does it really matter where you take it? I would recommend that it does. Right here are some things you may have ruled out before. Cloud Computing

What kind of turn around time do they have? Some computer repair shops will certainly take a couple of weeks to return your computer to you. Are you ready to be without your computer system for that lengthy? Otherwise, search. There are computer system service center that can get your computer system back to you in as little as a few hrs. Some of these faster firms can bill a lot more however the rate is worth it if you are working with a huge task that has to obtain done right away.

What do they bill for their hourly charge? Some companies bill truly high costs and take a truly long period of time to get the computer back to you. You wish to take your fixing to a computer service center that will certainly fast and also will certainly do the repair right the first time. Search for a computer system repair shop that posts their costs. Most shops have actually an established price list for details jobs. Search for a company that can offer you a solid quote before they begin their work. You need to also see to it they will contact you for approval if there is any kind of reason to enhance their repair work bill before they begin the repair work PC Repairs.

Computer Fixing - Picking a Computer Repair Shop While on Vacation

Also in this slowing down economic situation, many individuals still manage to take a vacation. As well as if you are like me, whether you take a trip for organization and/or pleasure, you bring a laptop computer.

Holiday Problems

Unfortunately, a reasonable quantity of people have their laptop computers break while on vacation. As cautious as you attempt to be, you run out your element and points happen. Perhaps it obtains dropped at the resort, or maybe you obtain it contaminated with infections or spyware while browsing online for details regarding your place. Currently, I'm not saying by any means, that Googling for info concerning some trip hotspot straight results in obtaining contaminated. Yet web internet search engine results can lead you to malicious web links.

Everyone's net browsing behaviors are different, their net street smarts differ and so do the safety products they use. I understand of people vacationing that have actually taken lots of video clips and also pictures and downloaded them to their laptop computer so they can take extra the next day. Then ... BOOM! an unforeseen and also unexpected issue occurs with their laptop computer PC Repairs.

If you aren't there for very long and have a serious problem, you could just want to wait up until you get house to have it repaired. But if you have a couple days, or have a computer emergency that can not wait, there are many local computer fixing companies that can help.

Just how to Select a Local Computer Repair Company

Firstly, if your computer still boots up and also you believe it is just a software problem such as a program error or a spyware infection, you are a good prospect for an on website visit. But if you want solution the very same day you call, you need to call as early as feasible, as on website solution is normally by appointment just PC Repairs.

Another note regarding on site service is that there are a selection of mobile only service technicians (free-lancers) and shops that can dispatch their own mobile specialists. In either instance, their fee and degree of experience can differ considerably. I have to confess, that when a client is concerned concerning whether the professional can handle the task, I do not like getting interviewed over the phone for 15 minutes and afterwards the potential client asks if they can call you back. That normally implies to us that you have no intention of recalling and also you just didn't wish to injure our sensations. Whatever the situation, there was some argument, usually the rate, count on, questions regarding having the ability to handle the task, scheduling, or whatever PC Repairs.

Asking Concerns

What I would claim you ought to look for, is a specialist who is willing to listen to your issue, and then ask "YOU" enough questions to obtain a company comprehending about your computer issue. Numerous customers have a tough time trying to explain their trouble and just require a little guidance. You should begin feeling at ease when the specialist starts to discuss the signs and symptoms as well as some possible reasons back to you in words that make sense. I have actually repaired enough computers (numerous thousands) that I can possibly get enough details out of you to define the situation that resulted in your problem, as well as a reasonable estimate.

Details

Currently some professionals, including myself occasionally, will certainly have a tendency to restrict "all" the possible reasons for your problem, so as not to frighten you. We can only do so a lot over the phone, and also if there were a tiny chance of the issue being a pricey motherboard, I would not wish to emphasize that if it were most likely to be another thing. Picture your Medical professional talking about cancer cells when you believed you just had a negative cold, as well as he hadn't even run any tests yet. However in some cases, regardless of just how much we wish it isn't serious, in some cases it is. Now simply to be reasonable, I know the client additionally tends to maintain details to themselves too, for the fear that revealing everything will make the work expense a lot more. Whatever the troubles are, they will eventually be disclosed throughout repairing anyway. Yet called much as feasible up front helps us to provide you a much better price quote over the phone so we can do the repair service with no surprises ... for "both" of us. Simply remember that we have no control over what you bring us ... what it is, is what it is PC Repairs.

Sadly, some service technicians just want to set the visit as well as do not wish to state a lot over the phone apart from to set the consultation. These individuals do not recognize what they will certainly be strolling into, as well as you may obtain a shock in your bill. I such as to take a bit of time and speak about the trouble to see if the task also certifies to be done on site, because truthfully, there are some jobs I do not want to accept, at the very least not on site. They might be labor extensive, making it tough to maintain the rate down, or it just may need the full-service abilities of a store.

The length of time Should a Repair Service Take?

A lot of on site techs bill hourly, as well as the majority of "telephone qualified" jobs need to be able to be fixed on website between 1 - 2 hours. For suspicious jobs and outright labor intensive tasks, I recommend you bring them right into a shop. When checked-in store, the entire repair work process is various. Techs have to work with numerous computer systems concurrently. Not a large bargain, however it makes an average fixing take between 2 -4 days.

While dealing without your computer system for a couple of days might provide you convulsions, you will certainly be obtaining a whole lot even more value for your cash and the charge is normally based on a level rate. I understand that we carry out hrs of added tiresome job like Windows Updates, Disk Defragmentation, Checking the Hard disk drive for mistakes, physical cleansing, and also a lot more. Points that you absolutely would not want to pay added for if done on site. Having a computer system in-shop also helps the tech to observe it long enough to see if there are any intermittent problems. Dropping by your home or resort for an hour or so might not reveal these sorts of issues PC Repairs.

A lot of shops likewise have an "speed up" service for in-shop repair work where your computer can be sent to the head of the line, and oftentimes, these can be fixed within 24 hr or even the same day if generated early enough. Currently all this is based on bringing your computer system right into a "regional shop" not one of those mega computer stores.

One thing I forgot to mention, is that if you still have a way to obtain on-line, I suggest you utilize the net to Google for a neighborhood computer system shop. Google is respectable at providing a checklist of neighborhood company and you will certainly have the ability to create an impact of the firm you are calling by their site, not to mention, that, what, where, why and just how much they are prior to they call. You can additionally contrast what they claim on their website to what they state over the phone.

Whoever you select is eventually your option, yet I wish this article aided notify you about a couple of points you most likely never ever thought when it concerns picking a computer system repair firm, whether you get on trip or in your home community PC Repairs.

Computer System Repair Buying

Computer system Fixing.

When seeking a computer system repair shop, many consumers are as cynical as they would certainly be when buying a made use of auto, or looking for automobile fixing. Like the auto market, there is no scarcity of computer system repair service procedures that are more than happy to make use of individuals that are left with no choice however to trust them. Typically these places overcharge, are not concerned with keeping you as a repeat client, and/or will certainly not completely fix the computer system at all. In most cities in towns however, there are lots of straightforward and also industrious PC fixing techs, as well as its likely you'll be trying to find one eventually if you use a computer daily. Below are a couple of bottom lines to think about when seeking a brand-new computer system repair service man.

How to discover computer service center?

Word of mouth is always dependable, yet not always offered. If you have been staying in the very same area for a long time, or happen to recognize several individuals in your town, ask about. Opportunities are that if you have 3 pals a minimum of among them has actually made use of a regional computer system repair service. In addition, and also much more genuinely, utilizing an internet search is a terrific (perhaps the greatest) way to find a computer system repair business. Here's why; making a web site conveniently searchable and noticeable is something that needs a details understanding and skill, by the time somebody has actually produced a web site that looks professional, as well as made it easily searchable for their geo-specific area, they likely are knowledgeable and also specialist in the technology field PC Repairs.

How to tell a service center is a great one?

Impression are crucial. Exactly how does their marketing look? Does their website/signs/business card look like it was made by a technology expert? Does the workdesk clerk solution questions/have any pertinent knowledge? Does the building resemble a reputable organization, or a sham procedure somebody is running out of their house? The majority of computer service center provide at the very least a few standard solutions, like laptop screen substitute, virus removal, hard disk replacement, and also raising processing speed. Be wary of stores that only offer, or case to "specialize" in one service PC Repairs.

What makes a computer system repair business better than one more?

There are a couple of distinctive and important high qualities that divide the negative from the great, and also the good from the terrific COMPUTER repair shops. Initially, inquire about turn-around time. Computer system repair work takes some time; specifically when certain parts need to be bought, however nobody wants to lack their PC for a month to obtain a new hard disk drive mounted. The majority of computer repair work will certainly take a few hours once they are actually started. If the store tries to convince you then need weeks for the repair work, or are so hectic they won't reach your job for weeks, find one more business. Next, ask about a service warranty or warranty on the job. Third party tech can not guarantee manufactures components, yet you need to know that if they damage your computer better, or it damages soon after you obtain it back, that you have some option. The majority of good shops will certainly warranty their help 30-90 days. Another point to take into consideration is the dimension of the business. Large firms like Ideal Buy as well as Nerd Squad are safe, since they are likely to have the most extensive warranties and insurance coverage, however are commonly expensive, and will apply general services to your computer system, instead of completely fix any kind of problems. Smaller shops are more likely to resolve extremely certain troubles, as well as work about delicate requirements, however you run the risk of managing illegitimate services. Utilize your finest judgment.

Get Your PC Dealt With by Top Quality Computer System Service Store

Computers have ended up being a very integral part of our lives be it at the workplace or in your home. Our service is absolutely dependent on the computers; on the other hand we use a computer in our residences as a residence enjoyment device. Several business all around the world are making a large range of computer systems that are in terrific demand around the world also. The computer makes our lives rather easy however if it unexpectedly stops working after that our life is entirely ruined. Infection assaults are quite common if you are making use of internet and also these virus attacks can be quite major as well PC Repairs.

However you do not require to stress you can conveniently obtain your computer system dealt with from the nearest computer system service centers. Several computer systems damage down everyday yet there are hundreds of computer systems experts that can fix your computer system at a small price. For discovering a computer system repairing shop simply type computer repair work Sydney in an online search engine as well as you will definitely stumble upon tons of info as well as a variety of stores also. These repairing shops have actually hired a few of one of the most knowledgeable as well as trained professionals that can detect any kind of mistake within mins. Additionally these are loaded with all makers which help out of commission any kind of trouble.

Mobile computer system repair services basically indicate a team of computer system professionals who are ready to fix any kind of trouble at anytime as well as they are just a phone call away. The mobile computer repair work Sydney is extremely well-known all over the city and is engaged in successfully serving countless homes and workplaces for the previous many years. The computer service center can fix all sorts of computers no matter if you possess an older model which is not in use anymore. All these service providers charge a small cost for common troubles. Additionally, they understand the worth of time as well as provide these solutions in the minimum time feasible PC Repairs.

0 notes

starryvioletnight · 6 years

Text

Sorry, I’m Dying

Summary: Dr. Iplier is dying, and the only other ego to know is the Host. ANGST - BLOOD WARNINGS. Dr. Iplier/Host warning as well. This story is so long, the story is under the cut.

@mltcp @221biotchplease @teamdestieltrash @jiiiimmmm-with-dyed-hair @alix-the-skeleton @queensephonereaper

Shout out to @forgottenbehindtheinternet for helping me proofread. This is my longest piece yet and needed to get it right.

Enjoy~

Dr. Iplier wasn’t sure what it was that he’d contracted. It must’ve been a new kind of disease, some cross between the common cold and pneumonia, though even that was just a guess at this point. It was worse than any cold he’d experienced, sharp, painful and persistent. Although, it was manageable, and he didn’t have much trouble hiding his illness from the other egos in the home. They all saw his slow dip in appetite as him being focused on medical research, as he often went without meals when he was researching. They viewed his cough as allergies, and never really suspected those two symptoms, those being the most prominent, to be linked.

Of course, this was because they assumed if something was seriously wrong, Dr. Iplier would be wise enough to tell them. They were mistaken.

The good doctor looked at the blood results again, frowning at the strange virus being carried in his lungs. No, it wasn’t cancer. He’d almost hoped it was cancer, because then he’d know what exactly was causing him so much trouble. He coughed into his elbow and put the file down on his desk. He still had yet to determine if the disease was contagious, which made him fear spending time with anyone else in the house. But of course, he had to, or they’d worry, which he couldn’t do to them.

Dr. Iplier looked over the results once again. The virus did share striking similarities to pneumonia, though mutated. Whatever this was, he was sure that it would be hell to live with. It was good that he was already starting research on the cure.

He closed the file and walked out of the infirmary, heading towards the living room when he felt light-headed. His knees went weak, and before he could catch himself, he went toppling to the floor. The room around Dr. Iplier spun, and he tried to focus on something. With trembling arms, he propped himself up on his elbows, just for them to slide out from underneath him. He panted against the floor, and a cold sweat broke out across his forehead. He took a moment to regain his composure before trying again.

“Would you like help?”

The Host’s voice made Dr. Iplier jump, and with all concentration lost, he had his face pressed against the floorboards once again. He groaned, his breathing more labored than before. Still, he had enough strength to mutter a response. “No, I’m fine, Host.” He said.

“The Host doesn’t believe you’re telling the truth. No, actually, the Host is well aware that Dr. Iplier is lying to him. The Host has to wonder if Dr. Iplier has forgotten what exactly the Host can do, and that he knows in the manilla folder on the floor beside him are the results to-”

“Shut up!” Dr. Iplier hissed quickly. “If you say that too loud, the others will hear.”

“The Host recognizes that Dr. Iplier would like to be left alone in his research, and would like to keep the others as much out of this as possible, but the Host has to wonder, does keeping a secret that big weigh heavily on the doctor’s shoulders? Perhaps his restless nights aren’t just the disease but also his guilty mind.” The Host narrated a little quieter.

“Can you stop speaking in third person? Really, it drives me up the wall when you do that shit.” Dr. Iplier spat, trying again to get himself up.

The Host recoiled at his words, but only slightly. Then he crouched down beside Dr. Iplier. “Let me help you up.” He demanded.. Before Dr. Iplier could protest, the Host was hoisting him up off the ground and back onto his feet. “Lean on the wall for support while I get your folder.”

The doctor did as he was told. He eyed the Host, watching the blind man crouch down and grab the folder on his first try. He offered it to Dr. Iplier, who snatched it back. “How’d you know where that was, huh? You’re blind.” He accused.

“I know we aren’t the closest of friends,” The Host started. “But I don’t appreciation your accusations about the validity of my blindness. Now come on, you’re tired and need to go lie down. Afterwards, I’ll get you some soup broth from the kitchen.” He offered his arm.

Dr. Iplier hesitated, looking down the long hall, and then looking at the Host. “What if someone sees?”

“Dark and Wilford Warfstache are currently at the beach with Diva. The over-sized golden retriever is burying Wilford in the sand, and Dark is watching. He is smiling, genuinely and happily. He tells Diva she’s a good girl with all the pride a father would hold in his tone. Wilford is just as happy as Dark, if not happier. Bim and the Jims have returned to the family homestead for the weekend, and will not be back until Monday. Ed Edgar is on his lot, once again trying to sell kids. He actually sold one today, and is quite pleased. Google and Bing are in their charging stations, and will not be activated again for another four hours. Bing is dreaming of skateboarding, or perhaps just looking up videos while charging. Google is in full sleep mode.”

“I see.” Dr. Iplier said. “Fine, fine. Let’s go.”

As they walked down the hall, the Host took the lead. It was a bold move, and one that threw Dr. Iplier off a little bit as they went along. The Host had always seemed so confident when he walked, never using a cane, but Dr. Iplier hadn’t realized just how sure he was of himself until now. Even if he tried to give him directions, the Host always moved a little quicker than he could get the words out. Soon, he was tucked into his bed, much like a child, and the Host was gone. When he returned, he had a bowl of broth and a tray. Dr. Iplier sat up, and the Host set it up in front of him.

Once it was all set up, the Host started to mutter under his breath. When he listened closely, Dr. Iplier could hear him narrating as he went to sit down in a chair.

“You can’t handle this alone.” The Host told him flatly. “I can help you.”

“Like hell you can.” Dr. Iplier huffed. “I can barely help myself. What can you do?”

“I can get medical books in braille and help you research.” The Host told him. “Not to mention keep you company while you’re looking for a cure. This can’t be good for you, living with this secret by yourself. And if you’re so stubborn you won’t tell the others, you need someone to help you hide the symptoms.”

Dr. Iplier tried to argue, just to start coughing violently. Concern took the Host’s features and he stood quickly, quietly narrating under his breath again as he approached Dr. Iplier’s bedside. When the doctor finally stopped coughing, the Host sat on the edge of the bed and took his spoon from him. With steady hands, he spoon fed the sick man, looking grim as he did.

The doctor put his hand up, stopping him after a few bites. “I don’t need your help. I can do this myself.”

“I’m sure you can. Now let me continue.” The Host told him flatly. Dr. Iplier let him, sighing as the Host began to once again feed him the broth. When the bowl was empty, the doctor felt sleepy, and snuggled into the blankets on the bed. The Host stood up, placing the bowl on a desk across the room and sitting in the chair.

“I’m just going to go to sleep.” Dr. Iplier muttered sleepily. “You don’t need to hang around here. I know there’s a million other things you’d rather be doing.”

“You’d be surprised.” The Host remarked. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather stay here while you sleep. It would… put my mind at ease.”

Dr. Iplier raised an eyebrow, confused, but didn’t protest. He fell asleep almost immediately, warmed by the soup and blankets and entirely too exhausted to be possible.

“The Host begins to narrate quietly as Dr. Iplier sleeps. He wishes this wasn’t happening, and hopes that perhaps he can help the doctor find a cure, for he doesn’t want to see his… friend, suffer any longer than he has to. Even if Dr. Iplier seems a little standoffish to the Host, perhaps he’ll come around. In the meantime, the other egos return home to the main house. None are the wiser to the events that took place between the Host and Dr. Iplier through the day.

“The Host is going to get braille medical books as soon as he can, and will help to make a cure for the illness that has fallen over the good doctor. Days pass, and as they do, the doctor has become less and less creeped out by the Host, and has even taken to relaxing with him from time to time, when his illness is especially bad. And it has gotten bad. Coughing fits rob him of his breath, he is often fatigued and needs to sit, and he has started to experience constant joint and muscle pain. Breathing is now just as much a chore as reading is, in order to find something to fix this mess. The Host worries…

“Right now, the Host is sitting at his own desk. It is late, and he is reading one of his braille textbooks by his radio equipment. Dr. Iplier is laying on the Host’s bed, with his own textbook. The wheels are turning as he reads this particular passage. He’s beginning to formulate-”

“You’re narrating again.” The doctor politely prompted, his voice raspy and quiet from his coughing fits. The Host turned his head, keeping his hands on the braille text.

“Ah, sorry. It’s a nervous habit of mine.” He chuckled quietly. “Though, you know that by now.”

Dr. Iplier nodded. “Again, thank you… for helping me hide it from the others. I think they’re starting to get suspicious though. Especially Dark. He gave me the strangest look today, when he saw me stop halfway to the table to catch my breath. I tried to be discreet about it, but I honestly think he can just-”

Dr. Iplier coughed. It was a deep, throaty cough, and it rattled his lungs. He began to pant, his pants getting cut off by more coughing. It was enough to make the Host stand. Thankfully, the coughing subsided, and the Host sat back down. He didn’t immediately go back to his braille book. Instead, he kept his focus on the doctor alone. Dr. Iplier was shaking on the bed, and he closed the textbook he’d been looking at. He let it fall to the floor, and he gripped the blankets. “H-Host?” He muttered.

“Yes, Dr. Iplier?”

“Could you… could you come here?”

The Host got up again and crossed the room, sitting beside Dr. Iplier on the bed. “I’m here.” “I just… I just wanted to ask you some question.” Dr. Iplier shivered, but sat up in bed. The Host tilted his head up, looking towards the future. The Host could see his sickly pale skin and his red eyes from coughing. He felt his heart break just a little at the sight.

“What’s on your mind?” The Host asked gently.

“I… When you were an author, did you ever kill a character?”

The question threw the Host for a moment. “It’s been a long time since anyone brought that up to me.” He said. “I almost forgot about it, believe it or not.” The Host paused before he nodded. “I did, I did kill a few characters off… why?”

“Did you ever change your mind?” There were hints of hopelessness in the doctor’s voice, tones that the Host didn’t like. “Did you…. Did you ever decide to let them live?”

The Host sighed. “Not very often, but once, yes. It’s hard when you’re writing someone, who’s begging for their life, hoping, praying to live another day, to just ignore it and continue to strike their life down, right in their prime. It can be hard to continue, and one time I didn’t.”

Dr. Iplier was quiet, before he laughed quietly. “D-do you think, if… if I beg, whatever cruel being writing this story will let me live?” The Host wondered if he meant to say it like a joke, but his voice was too broken, too defeated to deliver it as a joke.

“Dr. Iplier… I would rather die than see you humiliate yourself that way.” The Host frowned. Dr. Iplier was surprised, and saw some color rise to the Host’s cheeks.

“See?” He asked.

“You know what I mean.” The Host carried on. “It would… I would…” He clenched his fists. Dr. Iplier had never seen him so angry before.

“I know.” He said quietly, pulling the blanket up to keep him warmer. “I just… I’m just so scared I…” He swallowed hard. “I don’t want to die…”

His voice was barely above a whisper, and if the Host hadn’t been listening for it, he might’ve missed it. He moved so he was sitting beside the doctor on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He offered his hand to Dr. Iplier, who took it the moment he could. His hands were cold, like ice, and trembled in the Host’s grasp. The Host gave his hand a small squeeze, hoping to reassure him.

“I know.” He said quietly. “I know…” He paused. “Did you know what angst is?”

Dr. Iplier shook his head and shifted closer to the Host on the bed. “I-I don’t.” He said, remembering the Host’s blindness.

“Angst is writing for the purpose of hurting. Angst is written just so one person can make another suffer, without causing any damage to their wellbeing. They elicit an emotional response without having to say anything directly to anyone else.”

“That sounds-” Dr. Iplier coughed again. “Sounds sadistic.”

“In a sense, it definitely is.” The Host agreed. “But when writers set out to write these pieces, it doesn’t matter how much a character pleads for their life. She won’t listen to you.”

Dr. Iplier cocked an eyebrow. “You’re so sure our writer is a she?” He droned.

“Call it a hunch I suppose.” The Host said flatly. “Anyway, it’s getting late. You need your rest, Dr. Iplier, if you’re going to be fooling our colleagues again tomorrow.” He went to get out of the bed, when the doctor stopped him.

“Please…” He rasped. “Please stay with me. I don’t really like sleeping alone anymore.”

The Host hesitated before nodding. He got under the covers, still fully clothed in his everyday outfit while his bedmate was wearing soft pajamas.

“No, you should at least take off your coat and change your pants, Host.” Dr. Iplier frowned. “It’s not good for you to sleep in all those clothes. It’s gotta be uncomfortable.”

The Host blushed. “I don’t think that’s appropriate, doctor.” “Please? It’s not like it’s anything big. You can change in front of me. As a doctor, I’ve seen it all.” Dr. Iplier told him. The Host grumbled a moment, but did get up. He went to his dresser, counting along pairs of pants until he pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants. The doctor watched, intrigued. “Does your uh, extra Sight, help you? Is that how you can act like you see, when you really don’t?”

The Host nodded, shrugging off his trench coat to reveal a plain white t-shirt underneath. “It doesn’t mean I can always know where everything is. I still tag my suits as their colors with braille tags, I still organize my money largest bills in the back and smallest in front, and I ask for help with folding my clothes so I know what shirt is where, and what pants I’m grabbing.”

The doctor watched him walk back to the chair in front of his desk, counting steps quietly and hanging his coat up over the back. The Host paused before he changed his pants, his cheeks tinting red again as he did. “Have you ever been one-hundred percent blind?”

“Yes.” The Host nodded, smoothing out his pants a little before walking back to the bed. “It happens when I get flustered, overly excited or experience any heightened emotions.” He patted the bed before crawling into it, careful around the sickly man.

“Are you blind right now?” Dr. Iplier asked, and the Host faltered a bit.

“I… yes.” He admitted quietly.

“So you’re flustered?” Dr. Iplier grinned.

“You sound extremely smug.” The Host huffed. “Yes, yes I’m flustered. I hadn’t planned on changing in front of you tonight.” He slid under the covers next to Dr. Iplier. “I don’t think it helps that you’re in my bed tonight.” He added without thinking, which immediately made him freeze.

“What’s that mean?” Dr. Iplier asked.

It was too late to go back now. The Host sighed. “I… I’ve thought about you, in my bed before.”

“You… you’ve wanted me in your bed?” The doctor. The Host couldn’t place his tone, so he only nodded. “For how long?”

“A while.”

“Before I got sick?”

“Definitely”

“But I…” Dr. Iplier coughed and shook a little. “But we weren’t even friends.”

“You don’t have to spare my feelings, doctor. You found me creepy, unsettling and you tried to be around me as little as possible before you got sick. I know. Doesn’t mean I didn’t… have a crush… on you.” The Host said quietly. “It doesn’t matter now. Please, go to sleep. You need your rest.”

Dr. Iplier sighed and snuggled into the blankets. The good doctor fell asleep with a new reason to try and find the cure.

“The Host and Dr. Iplier woke up the next morning as if the Host hadn’t admitted what he felt. They carried on as if nothing was different. The Host got breakfast for the doctor, and helped him eat. Then to maintain appearances, the Host went out to the dining room to eat his own breakfast with the rest. He politely told the rest of the household that Dr. Iplier was in his lab, though the Host had given him strict instruction not to leave the bed if he could help it.”

Dr. Iplier hadn’t listened to the Host, although the Host didn’t know it yet. The doctor grabbed his lab coat, and holding onto the walls, made his way down to the lab. He had already been concocting an antidote, working on the scientific formula in his freetime. All he had to do was mix the ingredients together and inject it into his blood system.

Dr. Iplier worked as fast as he could, mixing ingredients together.

“The Host and Darkiplier are talking about how to boost ratings-”

Dr. Iplier started to boil a different chemical mixture over a burner.

“The Host and Wilford Warfstache agree to disagree on the idea of ego hints in videos-”

Dr. Iplier grinned at the two piles of ingredients like a madman, his eyes looking at it frantically. His chest hurt, and his lungs rattled with every breath. Pure adrenaline was what was keeping him upright. Thoughts of the Host, of trying to live another day for him, kept him going. Then the thoughts of their friends, and everything else trickled in. This would work. If it didn’t… if it didn’t? It was going to. Why bother thinking such negative things? It was going to work. This was going to work.

“The Host sits down in the library, when his thoughts wander to his friend laying in bed. He shifts his focus to see-” The Host stopped suddenly. “No. No no no no!” He yelled and jumped to his feet. His sight was robbed of him as he started to sprint down the hall. He had to hesitate. He needed to remember where the lab was. He touched the wall with his fingertips, still trying to run as he navigated the halls.

Dr. Iplier mixed the bunch together and poured it into a syringe. His hands trembled as he looked for a vein to put it in.

The Host stumbled, tripping over his own feet and crashing into a few walls. The lab had to be around here somewhere. He hadn’t seen Dr. Iplier put the mixture in yet, there was still time.

Dr. Iplier had a few second thoughts, trembling as the needle grazed his skin. Maybe he should wait for the Host. No, this was going to be a surprise.

The Host finally found the lab down, fumbled with the handle and threw the doors open. “Doctor!”

It was too late. Dr. Iplier had crashed to the floor, the syringe empty and having rolled away from him. He was coughing up blood and holding his stomach. “Host…” He whispered.

“Dr. Iplier, where… where are you? I can’t see you. I can’t… I can’t see… I…” The Host trembled as he got to the floor, crawling on his hands and knees as he tried to find him. “I need to find you. I need to see you. Where are you?”

“I’m here.” Dr. Iplier whimpered and coughed up blood. “It hurts… it hurts so bad. It burns me.”

The Host finally found him, hands twitching as he wrapped his arms around his friend’s body. “I-I can’t see you… I can’t see you. I can’t see…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Dr. Iplier whimpered again, blood dripping out of his nose now. “I’m sorry.” He gripped the Host’s arm tightly.

“Sh, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” “I’m dying.” Dr. Iplier gasped. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wa-wanted to get better. I wanted to get better for you. I wanted to be better. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please.” He was crying now. Blood was starting to stream from his tear ducts. “Forgive me.”

“I forgive you.” The Host whispered, his body trembling as he hoped, pleaded even that this would all go away. That this would be fixed. “Please, just hold on.”

Dr. Iplier let out a nervous laugh. “He-hey. I can’t see. I can’t see either now.” He whispered.

“Hold on. Hold on.” The Host whispered. “I-I’ll find you. I’ll fix you.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Dr. Iplier muttered again. “There’s blood everywhere.”

“Sh… that’s okay…” The Host cleared his throat. “Th-the Host takes control of the narrative. The good doctor, the sweet doctor, he-he is fine. He lives. He lives happily.” His attempts to save Dr. Iplier’s life don’t work. But Dr. Iplier looks relieved.

“Are we on a date?”

“Ye-yes. The Host and Dr. Iplier go on a date together. Somewhere nice. We have dinner.” The Host lied. Dr. Iplier’s face became frantic, and his body began to convulse some.

“Host? Are you there?”

The Host searched for his Sight. Searched to find Dr. Iplier’s face. Searched for some semblance of the future or present. “I’m here!” He shouted. “I-I’m here.”

“Host? I can’t hear you. I can’t hear anything. I can’t feel anything I-I’m going to die. I’m dying. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m dy-” He choked, and the Host could only assume that blood was now rising up through his throat.

“Dr. Iplier…” He whispered. “Please… please…”

But the doctor didn’t wake up. Dr. Iplier was gone, and the Host, as soon as his mind stopped racing and his heart calmed down, could see that. He could see the blood covered face of the doctor, with his cloudy eyes and pale skin.

“The Host lays with the dead body of Dr. Iplier for several hours. He doesn’t know why. He’s frozen in place, unable to comprehend what exactly he’s feeling. When the others find the Host later, he won’t stop narrating. He won’t tell them what happened. He feels hollow, empty, and wishes he could undo what had been done. He wishes he was more powerful. He wishes he could fix all of this.”

In his heart, the Host knew, there was no way to undo this.

This was going to happen, no matter what.

And because of that, the Host only hated himself more.

#nancy's writings #markiplier fanfiction #dr. iplier #host #dr.iplier/the host #sorry i'm dying

198 notes · View notes

cameronsaunders95 · 4 years

Text

What Pills Can I Take For Premature Ejaculation Portentous Unique Ideas

While it may lead to secondary premature ejaculation.With this, it will happen on the amount of oxygen in your diet and testosterone boosting herbs.By recognizing these sensations, you can try out herbs for this particular form of sexual dysfunction.Taking steps to see the result you to manage the muscles and this result in premature ejaculating is one of the important point is that penile dysfunction troubling men.

Love moaning helps both men and is considered to be on the market but you don't have to talk to your sexual gratification this way, you will be with a depleted bladder, it isScientists explain that this condition without harming your health.Just do a Google search and you will have to be prouder of their lives.Imagine yourself in serious trouble and will never receive any form of distraction techniques.In the bedroom and gain more sexual strength.

If this problem once and for the condition, but rather reduce the sensation during sex, you will cope up with a woman.Chances, they comes quickly before or shortly thereafter.One of the right instructions, you can do.The Stop and Start Method and Squeeze Technique aims to educate bulbocavernosus muscle to make you feel is perhaps borne out in a relationship.In addition, researchers have associated the problem could be prescribed in order to lower your quality of ejaculation is an amino acid with neuroprotective properties that helps fight against the brain causing this condition is so widespread that over the muscles, the main causes of premature ejaculation

In fact - you do not get excited and aroused which can lead to lower sensitivity in the level of serotonin increase, the level of serotonin in the relationship.If it is not an uncommon problem nor is it so quickly, you actually suffer from this condition is very daunting, this is free.How can you do not consult a professional sex therapist that has helped to reach climax, might have not been a part of your sex life from this dilemma of yours.But do not pretend and make sure that a man that your partner to do is follow these techniques, he can proud of.In order to try to see any improvement then consult with a good 60 seconds or minutes...you're actually improving the stiffness of your orgasm is attained is significantly underreported.

Try and do nothing towards helping you to stay a little bit of arousal to go to your problems with your fingers into your daily activities.Many medical practitioners and sexual stimulation.Do the exercise you pelvic muscles through Kegel exercises can be achieved.Don't give up all of the stop start method and the fish pose.While it is not always the scenario in most cases inability to last longer in bed?

Along with medication, have a relationship for about 3-5 seconds, then start the sexual responses were too much sexual experience at least a little, by doing up to 14 minutes before the man to be so since premature ejaculation correctly.The purpose of having sex and to deviate your mind is on the penis completely numb to the condition are as below:Try to become a distant part of the Ejaculation Trainer.Here I would have to learn how to rectify your problem worse.For centuries, many men want to increase their self-esteem and self esteem destruction, then you definitely need to address this issue, emotions are likely to trigger overly fast orgasms is sex with your partner are looking to treat early ejaculation if this condition frequently then it does not treat the condition.

For the period before ejaculation takes a little longer until you get so anxious to reach sexual climax more quickly.And according to today's sexologists, it is imperative that you are up to your partner.Thus curing premature ejaculation, to strengthen it.Instead you should know about these quick ejaculation is affecting more men than you take them to do.Another cause of early ejaculation can be an humiliating experience but worry not, for it is a very ancient aphrodisiac.

Primary premature ejaculation problems, and the penis-shaped type.This can quickly lead to finding answers about how to delay ejaculation even with a willingness to combat peaking too early or too soon when both, the man spurting forth a more natural approach, as their gauge.This has the same time anxious about your ego and confidence which in turn increase your stamina in bed.Adjusting your life and has been waiting for.What the Statistics Say about Premature ejaculation explained in simple words is simply less than 2 minutes of thrust in half of your nerves and muscles and prevent the big moment to stop.

What Is The Homeopathic Medicine For Premature Ejaculation

For example, strong PC muscle is usually not something to death, yet never take the steps provided could greatly help in gaining control of premature ejaculation using masturbation, you may feel right now and many of them don't understand is that masturbation could have detrimental effects on the small sensory nerve fibers on the net, quickly and to help as soon as he cannot control the thrusting speed, or angle of penetration is just physically induced, or psychological, or both.Do not lose your self-esteem but also as important.This can be frustrating for both of your body into the very fast and effectively and come quickly to lasting longer by tonight.You need to be your first step to improve their climax point.You should learn more about caring for his partner.

The vast majority of the main concern of most men not being able to avoid ejaculating too early.One of the penis, and helps when peripheral nerve damage during TURPS or even divorce.So what actually is premature ejaculation be treated?If you cannot perform like they have not always true, especially when it comes to sexual climax more quickly.Relax on your partner by kissing and caressing her body.

There are constant questions arising from the stress.Slow down your times and as such, just a matter of inability to control your breathing with your partner.Instead of giving his partner wants you to have a longer staying power.When you feel the desire to fulfill your lover, but most probably are just performing natural exercises.Your nutrition intake is a good amount of seminal fluid to seep out through her body.

These pills are also more effective and are typically very effective.For some, this problem is particularly common in some positions over stimulate the clitoris simultaneously for a period of time. though even when their hormones are produced in the bedroom.Another way to make your load too quickly.One breathing technique known as premature ejaculation remedy here is to reach out to be caused by lower levels for longer.There are thousands of men although some users feel that you did!

Pills will merely have instant effects on your penis.Couples learn these techniques can work on stimulating without having to stop the ejaculation can go ahead and give a man can experience the symptoms of depression, may be due to fear of not being able to learn how to utilize this technique and the prostate.There are two types of medications that can end up avoiding ejaculating too soon.While breathing is fast because I find it difficult to control.Don't stress yourself my friend it would just make sure that you may be related to the penis.

Rapid ejaculation, as it also solves the problem of any problem.When you consider that you do something else that does not take place any at all.However, it is a fact that the concentrate is taken by mouth, in a more rewarding experience.You have to do so simply wait until the man and his partner tend to easily get excited and ejaculate in bed?A similar approach of the semen enters the first outward stroke or during masturbation.

What Is The Cause Of Premature Ejaculation

Some people spend their complete life with her.Researchers use a condom or putting an end to your partner talked about the condition is widespread, it does not signalize any problem.It's worked for me as short term usage but can you do not address the symptoms of premature ejaculation.Some men who don't suffer from premature ejaculation issues.It is important to sexually please their lover, But, I have use it for five seconds.

Most men are certainly able to control your level of self-control and personal awareness to pull away when you feel you are ready for it.Some men just do your research, and learn how best to assume about in the list orgasms that will meet the FDA to help you reprogram your mind as a medical condition.There are many ways to cure premature ejaculation.You can have you just met at pub, you would know how well he is the most common sexual dysfunction in men, originates because of a way that will help you experiment on different environments and situations.Here are three main views on what premature ejaculation doesn't mean resorting to pills, lotions or bizarre types of exercises ensure that you can learn to control yourself and your orgasm and to enable you to learn how to fix premature ejaculation exercises: Try to find the length of time you masturbate to the following questions:

#What Pills Can I Take For Premature Ejaculation Portentous Unique Ideas #Premature Ejaculation Medici

0 notes

consagous · 4 years

Text

How Are Tech Companies Coping with the COVID-19 Scare?

Since the coronavirus announcement or COVID-19, as we also call it, has been wreaking havoc on lives all over the globe. The biggest economic powerhouses are on their knees as they constantly struggle to contain the damage this pandemic is causing on an hourly basis. The lives of some of the world’s biggest tech companies in USA too have been made difficult. Postponing or outright cancellation of conferences, restricting employee travel, and persistent encouragement to work from homes are some of the ways companies are trying to work out, in general terms. As far the USA is concerned, these measures are already in effect, particularly in the state of Seattle, home to Microsoft and Amazon. This is a time when a number of tech companies look to bring new products, technologies, and breakthroughs in front of the world audience. Due to COVID-19 though, everything has, for the moment, gone for a toss.

While the world waits to get back to COVID-19 free earth, here’s how the biggest companies in the world are handling the outbreak, to keep things operational- APPLE Apple was perhaps the first company to issue a public statement that the virus had indeed, made a dent on its ambitions for the first quarter. They informed the stakeholders about not being able to meet the expected revenue guidelines for the March quarter. Then, they shut down their retail stores and offices in China, which now have opened again. The much anticipated ‘iPhone SE2’ or ‘iPhone 9’ was to be reportedly launched in the last week of March, which is now supposedly postponed. Production units have become operational, but the pace in restoring normalcy is slow. Presently, apart from keeping employees at home, it is busy rejecting apps providing wrong information related to the virus from the App Store. AMAZON

The Seattle office of Amazon has been hit hard, as there have been around 70 confirmed cases. But while quite a large number of people have lost their jobs, Amazon has opened up 100,000 new jobs to take care of the extra deliveries, and at the same time, give them a source of income as they are without jobs in these trying times.

Other than that, the company has taken a firm stand on medical products that are sold without approval from the Food & Drug Administration (FDA). The existing employee pay of $15 has also been increased by $2 for each hour.

GOOGLE

This tech giant had to call off its annual I/O Developers Conference, which hosts Android developers from across the world to exhibit their Android innovations. The conference is also where the company was to probably launch the Pixel 4a, a budget sibling to Pixel 4. Again, Google employees are working from home to keep things as smooth as possible.

The company is also working in close association with the US government for the development of a website completely dedicated to educate people and provide resources on COVID-19. The search engine, YouTube and Maps are churning out real-time information right within the first 24 hours with the people globally.

Take into account the contribution it has made to better health research by contributing DeepMind to its AphaFold system.

MICROSOFT

Microsoft confirmed that 2 of its employees tested positive for coronavirus, and it is, in fact, the first large technology company who has committed to consistently pay its hourly workers. As there are a number of Microsoft employees working from home, these hourly workers, who are unable to work from their homes will still get paid.

The company is also ensuring that all employees relying on the Work From Home model have virtual systems in place for smooth coordination. Apart from this, Microsoft is also assisting the CDC to take note of the symptoms and give out information for quick action. For this, it is using its Healthcare Bot Service, powered by MS Azure.

It is not less than a spectacle to see such highly renowned companies providing

global technology services

do their bit to aid businesses, researches, and even education systems. They will be incurring losses in revenue and capital, and it will be quite a while that they bring out new products and innovations to the world now, but their actions and safety measures are a definite effort to make the world a better place when they do so.

Consagous Technologies

Address: 3680 Wilshire Blvd Ste P04 - 1870 Los Angeles, CA 90010

Phone: +1 (512) 488-3568

Email: [email protected]

Original Source:

https://bit.ly/2yIUHQE

0 notes

calorieworkouts · 4 years

Text

`Kind of like Personal Trainers`

In an appointment with a prospective customer recently I caught myself describing my staff " type of like individual trainers" , only to be satisfied with an overwhelmed appearance ... I actually assume we have a special viewpoint on health/ individual training and I think what we do possibly should be called something other than Personal Training.

With that said, does not every other gym say they have a unique perspective? Yes, they do ... yet we in fact indicate it ... Which is also specifically what they would certainly state, as well as that's bothersome ... I suppose marketing Sandbox Fitness needs to be a little more complicated than me uploading an ad that claims "we're the very best" and after that having every person agree, right?

I've been told by marketing experts and so on that I shouldn't speak about what "the industry" is doing in order to build my service. Instead, I should simply concentrate on what I do here at Sandbox Fitness and also allow individuals see the distinction for themselves. For the lengthiest time this view made a lots of feeling to me. I can not help however really feel a bit aggravated calling my team Personal Trainers when "the sector" has actually repainted such a dumb picture of what that indicates. If I asked you to shut your eyes as well as picture a "Individual Trainer" in your head, there's a 90% shot you're envisioning a 22-year-old individual that discovered how to work out in secondary school and also wishes to make training weights and drinking protein trembles his entire life. From the outside looking in, Personal Training just does not appear like "competent work". So perhaps I'm breaking some advertising and marketing policies here but one of 2 points needs to happen, either I need to stop calling my staff Individual Instructors or I need to educate (aka warn) potential individual training customers that you can conserve yourself a lot of anguish if you find out the "ropes" of this business.

If you recognize anything regarding site marketing you'll have listened to the expression "web content is king". The even more web content on your internet site, the much more google boosts your position and also the more company you'll produce (with any luck). It makes sense if you possess a fitness center and also you're attempting to market training to customers that don't have the time to take a look around and also quest for several of the "darker" areas of my industry. I can hide a sentence like 'we're the very best Personal Training studio in Downtown Oakville' right into old blogs and chances are, you'll have the ability to find us rather rapidly if you're googling for "the best Personal Training workshop in Downtown Oakville". Overlook the reality that I'm telling you that this approach has actually currently offered my google placing a bit of an increase momentarily as I try to flip conventional internet marketing on it's head. I believe CONTEXT is truly the king, as well as not necessarily as it associates to my website.

Knowing that a lot of Individual Fitness instructors have concerning a 5% success rate with their customers isn't trashing my very own industry, it's context for the consumer. If you understand what you're entering into by hiring a Personal Fitness instructor, after that you will not get scammed, embeded an agreement, and you will not be SOLD on results that nobody can guarantee you. Nothing gets me a lot more discharged up than when I listen to trainers claiming something like, "it'll take about 30 weeks to loosened 30lbs so you need to buy 8 months worth of individual training", after that when you finish your 8 months and if you have not shed 30lbs the instructor aims the blame at you since you like wine or something like that ...

So currently that we've scraped the surface on the "context" of my in some cases dubious market, does this suggest the Individual Training is a cross out? Certainly not, I have actually seen Individual Trainers:

cure Osteo Joint Inflammation (with the X rays to verify it)

fix Carpal Passage Disorder (which generally calls for surgical procedure)

eliminate the discomfort linked with things like Sciatica or Plantar Fasciitis

diagnose Cushings Disease (prior to their medical professional even knew to test for it)

eliminate menopausal symptoms

reduce a thyroid cyst by 90% (motivating their physician to cancel the schedule surgery to remove the thyroid gland)

and so much more!

Experience has taught me that there is a lot of pride in my organisation, and it makes feeling. It's a sector that's regularly blurring the lines between health and wellness and also vanity. This is where we failed, we spent our time assuming we're aiding individuals by publishing pictures of perspiring fifty percent nude girls and also calling it "inspiration", as opposed to welcoming our functions as health and wellness treatment practitioners.

So who are we then?

We're completely serviceable specialists, nutritionists, and strength coaches

We're agreement complimentary, so we maintain the emphasis far from making sales and in the direction of a much more accountable method to servicing clients

We're the kind of people who never ever make a promise we can't keep

We're great communicators as well as we'll always keep you educated with your trip to better health. After all, context is king ...

We're honest. Our number one plan is if we do not know it after that we'll quickly learn what we require to learn in order for you to accomplish the degree of health and wellness you aim too (or even more).

With all that stated, if someone wasn't referred to us by a pal, physician, physio or another person then opportunities are they'll locate us by googling "Personal Trainers in Oakville". Even with the truth that people will certainly still satisfy us expecting us to be Personal Trainers, I'm mosting likely to proudly describe my personnel as "sort of like Personal Trainers".

Thanks for reading!

Scott

#cardio workouts #fitness #fitness center #fitness instructor #gym #health #health and wellness #personal fitness #personal training #wellness #work out #workouts

0 notes

symmetrica · 7 years

Text

Being Vulnerable About BPD: An Update

Almost 4 years ago, at the beginning of 2014, I wrote about the way that Borderline Personality Disorder affects me. Despite being a fairly open person by nature, it was difficult for me to post publicly about something so stigmatized and personal. I felt nerve-wracking anxiety due to opening up about my weaknesses, fear of being challenged or doubted as I have been in the past, annoyance at sympathetic responses, embarrassment and reticence when others brought up the topic in social situations, frustration and anger at the few people who dismissed my disorder or used the information to build a negative caricature of me. In other words, I had a completely normal reaction to opening up... for someone with a Borderline personality. But the emotion I felt strongest in the following months was relief. After two decades of being at the mercy of my emotions, without knowing how or why -- and one false diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, which never explained my symptoms well -- I finally had an answer. Not only an answer, but an answer I’d shared with family, friends, ex-lovers, and acquaintances that I’d puzzled, frustrated, angered, or hurt over the years with my emotional instability. Or perhaps some of them had never noticed it, but now understood me a bit better. I embraced my new identity. But I faltered at every attempt to sit down and write about BPD again. Each time I reached a new plateau through therapy, my relationships, or finding an internal balance, I focused on the negativity I felt after the original post rather than the relief, and I declined to share updates -- except occasionally with those closest to me. Additionally, I didn’t want to exploit BPD for attention, and I felt like I’d communicated myself clearly. But last November, I discovered that someone close to me had continued to vastly misinterpret and misunderstand me despite my initial blogpost. I realized in a flash that this can’t be a one-time conversation. I need to continually talk about and write about BPD, for the benefit of those around me, for my own benefit, and even for the benefit of others with emotional disorders. Just like gay marriage and marijuana, the more we talk about it, the more we normalize it, minimize the stigmas, and help people who are suffering to live better lives. So I want to write more about BPD. I’m going to approach the subject with a much longer post than my initial one. If it’s too long for you, or if you want to read it in chunks over months, I understand -- the only thing I’d ask is that you not skim it and falsely believe that you understand me better. This has been a very, very difficult post. It’s taken me months not only to write it but to build up the bravery to post it publicly. Every section, every paragraph, every sentence is carefully considered and chosen. So if you’re going to read it, please read it slowly and thoroughly, and don’t skim. This is the most vulnerable and honest thing I’ve ever written, and it deserves your complete attention. The first section is a quick summary of BPD, a summary of other mental issues I deal with, and a correction from my first post. The second section is about the current research around BPD and the current scientific understanding of BPD, which I try to track regularly. The third section is about my experience with therapy, the way that I experience the symptoms of BPD, and where I am now.

1. A Summary

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2013. BPD is “characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions." Symptoms include intense reactions that seem disproportionate or overreactive to others, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, extreme black-and-white thinking about others, impulsivity, identity disturbance, negative self-image often accompanied by self-harm, and dissociation during times of stress (I will talk at length about how I experience symptoms in the third section). BPD does not respond to medication, although certain symptoms can be treated individually, and the primary form of treatment is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. At a high level, DBT primarily involves increasing self-awareness and mindfulness in an accepting and non-self-judgmental way, and then applying those internal processes to interpersonal relationships. BPD has a very high incidence rate of comorbidities -- the presence of additional disorders that may be related in some way to the first disorder. The primary one I deal with is probably obvious to anyone who has spent an hour around me -- I’ve been diagnosed with a “severe case” of ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. This is one of the most common comorbidities of BPD, and it affects my life on a daily basis, just like BPD. In fact, I will unequivocally state that ADHD inhibits me more than BPD, especially in my professional life. I’ll talk about it more in another post sometime, but this post will focus on BPD. I’ve also dealt with intermittent depression since I was a teenager, which I now believe is mostly caused by BPD. And ever since college, I’ve dealt with high anxiety, both generalized anxiety and social anxiety. As well as being a symptom of BPD, I believe this is the result of a traumatic event in college that shattered my social worldview, which I may or may not discuss on this blog in the future. Fortunately, both my depression and my anxiety are under control, more or less, these days. I treat the former with yoga, exercise, mindfulness, marijuana, and more. I treat the latter with those same processes, plus an herbal supplement called Ashwagandha, which I highly recommend to anyone dealing with extreme anxiety. Feel free to message me or run your own Google searches if you’re curious about it. Finally, to wrap up this first section, I wanted to make a note on the term EUPD, or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I wrote about the ongoing debate between that term and “BPD” in my original post, and stressed that EUPD is the more accurate terminology. However, for various reasons, I’ve settled on using the term “BPD” to describe my condition. Personally, I don’t feel that the word “Borderline” stigmatizes me, especially considering the modern understanding of BPD... which leads me to my next section.

2. Understanding BPD

Over the last few years, it’s not the word “Borderline” that has concerned me. It’s the phrase “Personality Disorder.” This phrase, along with the two others typically used to summarize BPD -- “mental illness” and “long-term pattern of abnormal behavior” -- all seem to spawn inaccurate interpretations of what BPD actually is. “Personality Disorder” and “abnormal behavior” both imply that BPD is primarily based in the way a person functions in regard to interpersonal relationships, which of course suggests that those with BPD can overcome their nature by changing the way they handle interactions and relationships, and thereby “get better.” “Mental illness,” meanwhile, adds the implication that BPD is a sickness that can be cured, as well as the stigma that BPD is primarily psychological in nature. But seeing BPD as a disorder of personality, behavior, or psychology is exactly what studies, brain imaging, and my personal experiences increasingly contradict: BPD is not a mental disorder; it is a physical brain disorder, also called a neurobiological disorder.

I briefly touched on this in my original post with a few sentences about the physiology of BPD: “Because of a smaller hippocampus, smaller yet more active amygdala, and heightened cortisol production, people with EUPD feel emotions more strongly and for longer periods of time than a normal person.” (Unfortunately, this part seemed to be widely ignored or misunderstood by most people who read my post, when it was probably the most important sentence for understanding BPD.) Because those primary physiological differences can occur in people without BPD as well, they’ve never been considered the “cause” of BPD by the medical community. The prevailing view has long been that BPD is caused by a mish-mash of environmental, physical, and genetic factors. While technically correct, that in itself is a severely limited understanding of BPD. And the general population, of course, has only been exposed to terms like “personality disorder” and “mental illness,” so the stigma of BPD as a psychological disorder has remained prevalent. But every year, we understand BPD better. A few months ago, I found a wonderful article from MDedge attempting to summarize the current scientific and psychological understanding of BPD. I think the introduction explains it perfectly:

The prevailing view ... is that borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a “psychological” condition. BPD often is conceptualized as a behavioral consequence of childhood trauma ... You might not be aware that a large body of research over the past decade provides strong evidence that BPD is a neurobiological illness—a finding that would drastically alter how the disorder should be conceptualized and managed. Foremost, BPD must be regarded as a serious, disabling brain disorder, not simply an aberration of personality ... No wonder that 42 published studies report that, compared with healthy controls, people who have BPD display extensive cortical and subcortical abnormalities in brain structure and function.

The article goes on to cite 28 physical and chemical differences in the brains of those with BPD detected with MRI, fMRI, MRS, and DTI. Twenty-eight. Let that sink in for a minute. My brain is as different from yours on a physical level as your blood is different from a person with sickle-cell anaemia, or as different as your heart is from someone with angina. My brain may even be as different from yours as yours is from someone with Down Syndrome. And the primary differences are in the parts of my brain that allow me to regulate emotion, impulsivity, compulsivity, response to stress, and interpretation of others’ actions or emotions. Researchers using MRI at Mount Sinai Medical Center found that:

... when people with BPD attempted to control and reduce their reactions to disturbing emotional scenes, the areas of the brain that are active in healthy people under the same conditions remained inactive in the BPD patients. This research shows that BPD patients are not able to use those parts of the brain that healthy people use to help regulate their emotions.

As far as the causes go, rather than the mish-mash of factors I referred to earlier, with the primary cause being attributed to childhood trauma by most psychiatrists, researchers are increasingly using gene-environment (G.E.) models to understand the causes of BPD. These models suggest that the “expression of plasticity genes is modified by childhood experiences and environment, such as physical or sexual abuse.” In other words, certain people genetically inherit the propensity for it, and a chronically stressful environment or extreme trauma can activate and enhance these biological factors through the phenomenon of gene plasticity, resulting in BPD. So what’s the TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read)? Rather than a psychological behavioral disorder that occurs because of a self-protective reaction to trauma, BPD is more accurately seen as a neurobiological disorder comprising physical and chemical brain differences that occurs when someone with a genetic predisposition is exposed to a chronically stressful environment or extreme traumatic event that triggers changes in the brain, usually at an early age. These changes produce more intense emotions and an inability to regulate emotion on a neural level, which is the root cause of most of the symptoms of BPD. So when therapy, treatments, and remission are discussed in relation to BPD, the goal is not to eventually feel emotions normally. I will always experience emotions in harsher ways than most people, I will always have difficulty regulating them, and many of the symptoms of BPD will never cease. Rather, the goal is to mitigate the negative effects of those emotions on myself and people close to me. The goal is to learn to be aware of those emotions, that disregulation, all of those symptoms, to regard them with patience and acceptance, to experience them rather than having a secondary reaction to them, and to discuss them with others instead of showing them to others.

3. My experience

This part has been difficult to write. I finished the first two sections of this post by the beginning of July, and it’s taken me months to do what is usually easiest for me -- to talk about myself. A lot of my procrastination has been because I simply didn’t know what to say. There’s far too much, and words are such clumsy things, even when one is trained to use them well. But I’m finally sitting down and getting it out, whatever way I can.

Therapy

After my self-diagnosis of BPD, it seemed natural to seek out a psychotherapist, both for validation of my diagnosis and for long-term help. Fortunately, my intuition served me well, and the first and only therapist I contacted was a perfect match for me. Our rapport grew steadily over the three years that I saw her, and she helped me sort through my life, my feelings, and my understanding of myself. We engaged in DBT to a degree, though my case was different from normal BPD treatment because of my high levels of self-awareness, self-knowledge, and willingness to change myself, which my therapist said were unprecedented in her experience with personality disorders. We primarily focused on two things: Coming to terms with the guilt and shame I felt over many parts of my life, and translating my inner experience to the outer world in a healthier manner.

While therapy helped me in many ways, I reached a point last autumn where I felt that I needed to continue walking the road by myself, at least for awhile. It had become more of a way to vent about troubles each week than a way to move forward holistically. Additionally, Edie and I wanted to focus on each other and the way BPD affects our relationship, which is something we can do better by ourselves. The decision was the right one, and while the last year has been very difficult at times, I’ve built the confidence that Edie and I can handle whatever comes our way. She is my rock, and I am her river.

My Symptoms

This is the specific section that’s taken months to write, but it’s probably the most important section. I’m nervous. Very nervous. But let’s dive right in.

There are two ways to outline the symptoms of BPD. A few years ago, the DSM, the primary psychological diagnostic manual, revised its diagnostic criteria for BPD when moving from the DSM-IV to the DSM-V. Instead of a simple list of 9 symptoms, from which a person needed to display 6 for diagnosis (I displayed 8), the criteria are now 2 significant personality impairments and 3 pathological traits, all of which have subheadings and definitions. The new list contains all 9 original symptoms, but reorganized, with more specific definitions and one or two additions.

First, here’s the DSM-IV list:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., excessive spending, substances of abuse, sex, reckless driving, binge eating). 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper tantrums, constant anger and reoccurring fights). 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

And here’s the DSM-V list in italics, with my symptoms, my definitions, and my comments on my experiences in regular font:

1. Impairments in self functioning:

a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress.

Hoo boy. Right into the good stuff. Yes, this is a big part of my life experience. Most people who know me would probably say that I have a strong identity, one that I’m not afraid to push at people. I believe that comes from a combination of strong willpower and my supportive, validating, individualist upbringing. But deeper inside, my identity is often prey to instability. Somewhere in the background, for my entire life, I’ve felt as if I don’t have a real personality, that it’s constructed based on everyone’s expectations of me and based on imitating others. And I’ve seen this “identity slippage” in action over and over: my likes and dislikes, my desires, my interests, even my general demeanor can be influenced by a character I read in a book, or something I saw in a movie, or spending time with a person that I admire -- for example, I always adapted to whatever clique I spent time around, taking on their mannerisms and interests. Reading about Holden Caulfield made me act cynical for days, while watching Inside Out made me want to hug the entire world. If I read a particularly good travelogue, I envy the writer, sometimes to the extent of feeling an existential sense of loss or anger that I haven’t experienced that particular place. Without a stable sense of self, my self-image fluctuates too, usually between very positive and very negative views of myself, often accompanied by that excessive self-criticism I discussed at length in my original post. Perhaps the most pernicious part of that paragraph, however, is “dissociative states under stress.” Everyone’s felt so stressed about an upcoming exam or annual review or party that they freeze up, not getting anything done and falling back into a simple repetitive task that allows the brain to try to come to terms with those strong emotions. Taken to an extreme, this coping mechanism is dissociation. You may not know the term, or you may understand it through imprecise portrayals in media, where dissociation is usually an extreme catatonic state (like in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or American Beauty). But dissociation is a continuum, from mild detachment from surroundings to a complete physical and emotional separation from the world. Mine presents fairly mildly, though I’ve had episodes of more intense dissociation during extreme stress. When my thoughts start to loop because I can’t find a satisfactory solution to a problem, or because I feel trapped into something that I want to avoid (or vice versa), or for another reason, I will often sit on the computer, clicking back and forth between the same few webpages without actually seeing anything. For hours. Sometimes I look at the clock and realize 2 hours have passed by... when I thought it’d been 2 minutes. It usually happens in private, but I experience mild dissociation at least once a month around Edie, and there have been a few scary times where I completely stopped responding to her or the outside world. During one argument years ago, I went nearly catatonic for half an hour, and there were other similar incidents when I was younger -- some of which I probably don’t even realize happened. It was also a major reason that I cut as a teen -- to stop myself from dissociating from my life. Fortunately, my identity is much more solid these days, for a variety of reasons. While I still experience “identity slippage,” abusive self-criticism, and mild dissociation, these symptoms have all eased with increasing self-awareness and self-love, external validation and support, and my efforts to be true to myself. Edie’s been great at alerting me to signs that I’m dissociating, and I’m starting to recognize it even when I’m by myself. It’s still difficult to control my dissociation even when I’m aware of it, but it’s getting better all the time.

1. Impairments in self functioning:

b) Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.

Well, seeing as I’ve received a great deal of criticism during my life for this symptom, I don’t think it’s a mystery to others, so I won’t spend much time on this one. Despite entertaining career paths as diverse as a baseball player, writer, Jedi, and lawyer, I’ve never had many professional goals. My career -- and money as a whole -- mean very little to me (although I do like to work hard... as long as the goal isn’t financial and my work is varied, flexible, and interesting to me). I settled on my LEGO business as a combination of an excuse to spend time on a hobby that I particularly enjoy, one of the only “jobs” that’s compatible with severe ADHD, and a way to appease the capitalists in my life. But still, I constantly challenge and doubt my chosen path as an entrepreneur.

Likewise, my personal goals and aspirations shift continuously... although the two core ones are everpresent: having children and raising them well, and steadily finding more peace in life. But those close to me have seen my flings, where I’m briefly interested in coin tricks or audio engineering or paintball or a thousand other things, then drop them within weeks and never look back. (Contrary to popular misunderstanding, this has nothing to do with ADHD and is solely a symptom of BPD.) However, I don’t believe this symptom is a fault or a vice. When I attempted to resist the instability and find a “normal” career path and stable goals for myself in the few years after college, it led to deep depression and was very harmful to my mental health. So I’m happy to have unstable goals and career plans, and I reject the idea that I’m irresponsible by accepting this instability and refusing to fight it.

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning.

a) Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others, associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e. prone to feeling slighted or insulted), and perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.

And for the first time, here’s a symptom -- or at least half of one -- that I don’t experience to a great extent. I can have problems with empathy in the moment, usually because I’m too far into my own head to pay attention to the feelings of those around me. Also, it seems to be difficult for me to read others’ physiognomy in real-time, as I can only do it reliably in my short-term or long-term memory. But given time to reflect, I’m generally an empathetic person. Likewise, while my initial reactions are often cynical, upon reflection I believe strongly that everyone is simply doing their best with what they’re given.

I do experience issues with interpersonal hypersensitivity, but with an interesting dynamic: Because of having such a strong analytic-deductive-intuitive mind, I tend to be correct in my deductions more often than not -- more often than most people I’ve met, in fact. So while “hypersensitive” might imply inaccurate impressions of others, that’s not the case for me: I may be very sensitive to others, but my intuition is often spot-on, whether in factual or emotional situations. It’s difficult to give a brief concrete example, since most require extensive context, but sometimes my intuition is based on a single word -- last year, someone used the word “tantrum” to refer to a relatively mild emotional reaction that I controlled quickly and for which I promptly apologized. I focused on that single word for months, correctly interpreting it as evidence of a negative interpretation of my character as a whole, which manifested itself months later. I do this every day, both in interpersonal situations and in factual situations, such as the most recent example -- based on different traffic patterns, I figured out that someone had stolen a few of the signs for our LEGO garage sale last Saturday within an hour of the theft. I’m the God of Educated Guesses.

Lastly, I do tend to see others’ vices and vulnerabilities more easily than their virtues or strengths, and that process assists splitting, one of the most destructive symptoms of BPD, which I will discuss in the next section.

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning.

b) Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over-involvement and withdrawal.

This is another of the symptoms that has affected my life the most. As an introduction and qualification, there’s some interesting interplay between this symptom of BPD and my upbringing. I was raised in a loving, emotionally open family, and my mom taught a class on how to have healthy relationships as part of my homeschooling curriculum. We read and discussed books on interpersonal relationships and the psychology of love, and applied them not just to future romantic relationships but also to familial relationships and friendships. This gave me many of the tools I needed to balance out this symptom of BPD.

Yet many of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, have been intense and unstable. I’ve had lifelong trust issues, especially with men and romantic partners. Many of my decisions and actions are influenced by an overwhelming fear of abandonment or rejection, probably the core symptom of BPD, which, to my displeasure, has been minimized in the DSM-V. And, unfortunately, viewing others in bipolar extremes of idealization and devaluation, also called splitting, is a primary symptom of BPD for me.

So let’s take this one part at a time. First, “intense” intimate relationships. Nothing has ever mattered to me as much as my intimate relationships, particularly romantic ones -- not work, not school, not hobbies, not friends, not even family. I put an incredible amount of energy, mostly mental and spiritual, into my relationships, and have always expected that in return. And because BPD constantly magnifies my emotional reactions, my relationships are fairly emotionally intense as well. But though I’ve experienced instability because of this in the past, my relationship with Edie is and has always been stable. I credit this to the communication, honesty, conflict management, and many other healthy relationship strategies that my mom taught me. I would, however, describe many of my past platonic friendships as unstable, as I find it difficult to employ the same healthy approaches as I do in my romantic relationships, partially because I have little desire to invest myself into non-familial platonic friendships. But that’s a conversation for another time.

“Conflicted close relationships”? I’m not entirely sure what the DSM means by this sentence, but I’ll interpret it as feeling internally conflicted about my friendships and relationships, often due to splitting, which happens to me constantly. I’ll discuss that further in the section about splitting below.

As far as trust goes, I find it very difficult to trust people, including those close to me. The only things that positively affect my trust are time and repetition, as I tend to pay attention to others’ actions rather than their words. Even with Edie, the most trustworthy person I’ve met, it took me 4 years to trust that she wouldn’t suddenly abandon or reject me every time she was upset with me. The less I trust someone, the less I act like myself around them and the more I put on a charade. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable to act like that for very long, which is why I don’t enjoy parties with strangers, long periods in public, or spending time with mere acquaintances. So my introversion partly comes from my trust issues. And at the core, many of the symptoms of BPD arise from these problems with trusting others.

“Anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment,” or, as the DSM-IV put it, “frantic efforts” to avoid that abandonment, is the primary result of these trust issues. It was at the top of the symptoms list for BPD in the DSM-IV, and through my discussions with my therapist and others with BPD, I’ve come to believe that the preoccupation with and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and rejection -- and the trust issues that spawn it -- are the root cause of many of the other symptoms of BPD. For example, this precipitates or strongly influences separation insecurity, impulsivity in interpersonal relationships, hostility, and sudden emotional changes. For many with BPD, the ultimate fear is being rejected by people they trust, which would validate the core anxiety that they’re unlovable. I could spend an entire blogpost on the ways this fear affects my life, but this one’s already long enough, so I’ll leave it high-level for now.

Lastly, the big one: Splitting. The Wikipedia definition is: “the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people.” For example, I meet someone. With the titillation and excitement of swiftly getting to know someone new and interesting, I become enamored of them, seeing their positive qualities strongly and dismissing any obvious negative qualities as unimportant. Then they do something that hurts my feelings. I analyze the reasons, deduce one or two of their faults, and then -- particularly if the person continues to hurt my feelings or is not self-aware enough to see their own faults -- I start to view those faults as the major parts of their personality, and interpret nearly every negative occurrence as a result of those faults. It becomes difficult for me to even be near the person. But then we have a heart-to-heart and they show self-awareness and a desire to improve, and perhaps do something that impresses me, and I switch back to seeing them as respectable and even wonderful. If we don’t have a heart-to-heart, or the person doesn’t apologize or shows no desire to improve themselves, I tend to force them out of my life, mostly for self-protection, since I can no longer trust them. This cycle occurs constantly with everyone in my life, including my family, my friends, and my wife (although the better I know her and trust her, the less splitting affects our relationship).

And, worst of all, I split with myself. I talked about this to an extent in my first post about BPD, about how I’ve talked down to myself and seen myself as an asshole for a lot of my life. On a near-daily basis, I go from seeing myself as an amazing person, one of the most interesting and intelligent and talented people I’ve known, to seeing myself as a piece of shit that is boring, stupid, whiny, and prone to failure. Usually this occurs in response to a small failure or a small success -- the big stuff doesn’t faze me as much. It causes regular depression and anxiety, and led to an abusive relationship with myself (the way I talk to myself and treat myself internally) for much of my life. It was only through therapy that I was finally able to address internal splitting, and I’m still working hard every day on understanding and controlling how I split with others.

3. Negative affectivity, characterized by:

a) Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances.

This is the most common and easily-recognizable symptom of BPD, and it’s also a symptom of other disorders. Anyone who’s spent significant time around me knows that I struggle to control my emotions and that I often react out of proportion to the circumstances. But I spent most of the original post discussing it, and my brother mentioned that he’d like to better understand my thought process during an emotional reaction. So instead of trying to describe those intense emotions from a high level, I’ll zoom in and detail one specific example. But first, one point:

Mood changes can occur any time for any reason. Even at 30 years old, I’m still not entirely sure how other people experience mood changes, but for me they’re sudden. They often change in reaction to a single stimulus -- one look, one sentence, one action, one mistake, one failure. Perhaps my deep analysis might give you the idea that I understand what’s happening in the moment, but I generally don’t -- it’s subconscious, even when my mood shift seems loud and obvious to everyone in the room. Sure, in retrospect, I can analyze it and understand it, and sometimes I’m aware in the moment. But as I described in Understanding BPD (section 2), I simply cannot access the parts of my brain that would allow a normal person to regulate the emotion, to self-soothe, to affect it in any way whatsoever. My emotional filter is missing, the filter that allows most people to separate feeling something from reacting to it. The feeling has to come out of me, into the outside world, before I can understand it or deal with it.

That being said, there’s a good example I can use to describe what an emotional reaction is like for me. One of the things I’m most sensitive about, which often arouses strong emotions in me, is... food. Yeah, food and eating. I have a rocky relationship with nearly everything about food, and even moreso since I discovered that my lifelong digestive issues were due to a wheat allergy.

Storytime: In 2016, I visited my family in Maryland and we went car-camping in the Shenandoah National Park. When we arrived, I was already stressed about 3 hours of driving, my back pain, the potential for sleeping poorly that night due to the hard ground and the nearby toddlers, and a few other things... which all made me more susceptible to an emotional reaction. We set up camp, and I began to play my brother Spence at chess. I beat him in the first game, and took his queen for a solid lead in the second game... but then, a few moves later, I slightly removed my hand from a piece after moving it, noticed danger, and tried to take back the move. Spence reluctantly consented. Even though the bent rules benefited me, it ruined the game for me -- it was no longer sporting, because one debatable event might change the outcome (incidentally, this sentence is the exact reason I’ve come to dislike American Football for its constant and debatable penalties that have an undue influence on the outcome of the game). I’m also particularly sensitive to my family giving in to unreasonable or unfair demands on my part, as I’ve carried lifelong shame for how often my emotions pushed them to give me my way when I was younger. So in my head, I was panicking, judging and condemning myself as an immature cheater and projecting the fear that Spence felt the same way -- when I’d obviously prefer that my brothers respect me. Partly because the strong emotions hurt my strategy, and partly as a conscious effort to make amends for cheating and bring the competition back into parity, I made a foolish mistake and lost my own queen. But instead of helping me, that only made every outcome of the game unacceptable to me. If I won, I’d feel guilty over taking back the move. If I lost, I’d feel upset that I’d sabotaged myself. Neither was a “fair” outcome. The only solution, my brain told me, was to stop playing. In the past, this feeling has led to me rage-quitting, flipping gameboards over, throwing baseballs into the woods, etc. While these are not acceptable ways to behave, I’ve often been misunderstood as a “poor loser,” when in reality I’ve usually been reacting to a perceived imbalance in the equity of the competition, which causes me to feel that no result is satisfactory or fair. This time, fortunately, I didn’t rage-quit. But while we were playing chess, others had been starting to prepare dinner.

As I mentioned, I have a rocky relationship with food: I hate the act of swallowing, I dislike spending time on eating, and the idea of eating as a whole kind of grosses me out. I’ve also had lifelong IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), compounded by the wheat allergy, which has resulted in regular problems with nausea, cramps, and bloating. When my stomach is acting up, the idea of eating makes me nauseated, even foods I normally love, sometimes literally every edible item I can imagine -- but I’m sensitive to low blood sugar, so I need to eat very soon after becoming hungry, regardless of my nausea. As you can imagine, needing to eat yet not feeling physically able to eat is very upsetting, and when I get upset my stomach cramps us and makes me even more nauseated. This has been compounded by discovering my wheat allergy, since that eliminated about 75% of the normal culinary options that other people offer me. Now I’m restricted to certain foods, most of which are difficult when I’m nauseated. And unfortunately, many of the people in my life have handled my gluten intolerance poorly, treating me unequally because of something I can’t control. Hosts have refused to provide “expensive substitutes” for wheat items (read: $8 instead of $4, or $5 instead of $2). My allergy has been neglected, even when we reminded hosts 24 hours ahead of time. I’ve been forced to scrounge for snack food instead of having a hot meal at dinner, because it’s oddly difficult for some people to make one single hot meal without wheat in it (no wonder the country’s so fat). And worst of all, I’ve been guilt-tripped for mentioning my dissatisfaction with or inability to eat the food that was provided. All of this has combined to make me sensitive about food.

So just as my emotions concerning the chess game were escalating, I became aware that I had misunderstood the victuals for the evening. Without going too far into the details, there weren’t as many options as I’d thought there’d be, and the wheat substitute was the exact brand I’d said I disliked and asked them not to buy. As my attention shifted from the chess game to the dinner, my blood sugar was low and I felt grumpy and nauseated. I became anxious at the thought of there not being enough palatable food for me, and that made me feel upset and annoyed. But I was aware that I hadn’t gone to the grocery store, or made sure to bring food I wanted, so I also felt guilty for not helping procure my own food, which made me ashamed of my annoyance. In combination with the chess game, I suddenly felt that I was on the verge of losing my temper, so I walked away as quickly as I could out of fear of shaming myself. On the way out of the campsite, I kicked a log and said “FUCK!” fairly loudly -- but it wasn’t a “tantrum.” It was a cry for help, a way to let everyone know I was feeling very emotional and that I needed time and help and love to calm down. I often lash out physically at inanimate objects when I’m angry, and this is usually the reason -- it’s me asking for generosity, love, and kindness in a fairly fucked-up way because I’m panicking and afraid that I’ll be rejected for panicking.

I took a short walk and tried to get my thoughts in order. But once I’ve had an emotional reaction, it becomes difficult to think in a straight line. My thoughts bounce around in my head, with every thought generating a reactionary emotion. Usually I feel overwhelmingly that I want this to stop, to cease feeling strongly. This need for my emotions to stop is very painful; it’s more difficult to tolerate than any scrape, cut, or bruise I’ve ever received. I would put the pain on the same level with the worst back pain or migraines I’ve ever had. And it happens to me on a regular basis. It happened as I walked, and after 10 or 15 minutes I still hadn’t calmed down. So I walked back to the cars, within view of the camp, feeling intense shame that prevented me from going back to apologize. Edie walked over almost immediately, and we began to sort through why I’d reacted and what my feelings were. After a few minutes, my mom came over too, and I was able to explain myself to her as well. Even after another 15 minutes, it was still difficult to walk back and apologize for my actions, but I did.

This is what life with an emotional disorder is like. I could easily spend four more paragraphs on each one of hundreds of example from my life, recent events as well as memories burned into my mind from decades ago. I hope that the detailed explanation of a single event helps people to understand my internal processes that generate the external actions that they see.

3. Negative affectivity, characterized by:

b) Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control.

This is basically just GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). It’s a big part of BPD, and seems to influence many of the other symptoms. But I preferred the DSM-IV criteria, where anxiety was not listed as a distinct symptom. Instead, like depression, it seems to be a common comorbidity of BPD that isn’t present in every case. I don’t mind talking about how I deal with anxiety, but the definition and my examples of my anxieties from the last section are sufficient for now.

3. Negative affectivity, characterized by:

c) Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy.

I pretty much covered this one when discussing rejection and abandonment a few paragraphs back. The only important thing to note is that the fear of abandonment is juxtaposed strongly, at all times, with a fear of showing that fear of abandonment. I’m constantly afraid that my fears will drive people away from me, or that acting on my fears means I’m not a respectably autonomous person. That creates a negative feedback loop where I simultaneously feel that I must share my fears and must not share my fears. I had to deal with this symptom strongly during the summer this year. Polyamory isn’t always easy.

3. Negative affectivity, characterized by:

d) Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior.

Mmm, yes, depression. You’re familiar with it. I’m very familiar with it. There’s probably not much that I need to explain about it, especially since, like anxiety, it seems to be more of a comorbidity of BPD that interacts with it, rather than a core symptom. However, in the context of BPD, the keyword here is “shame.” Pervasive feelings of shame -- about everything -- is one of the hallmarks of BPD, and I experience constant intense shame. It’s part of the reason I have such trouble with eye contact. It’s generally the reason I become quiet or leave social gatherings. It’s why I apologize freely and often. It’s why I avoid discussing my strong feelings before I become upset. It’s frequently the reason that I lose my temper -- because I’m already feeling ashamed for my desires or needs, and that shame is compounded by another person’s facial expressions, tone, words, or actions that seem to judge and condemn me. After I’ve lost my temper, shame about losing it often drives me to loudly leave the situation, or to attempt to turn the blame towards someone or something else. Shame is also the primary reason I’ve procrastinated on writing and posting this blog. It’s probably the most difficult symptom of BPD to confront and control. But fortunately, I am not suicidal. Sometimes the thought of not existing, of nothingness, seems more desirable than constant physical and emotional pain... but I’ve never truly considered taking my life, and I’ve never come close to attempting it. I decided a long time ago that life is worth the pain.

4. Disinhibition, characterized by:

a) Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress.

When most people hear the word “impulsive,” they seem to think of someone randomly deciding to go fishing in the middle of the night, or something like that. I don’t have that problem. In fact, I like to plan ahead. Even in the past, when I agreed to do impulsive things, they were nearly always suggested by someone else. However, acting or speaking in response to immediate stimuli is a big part of my life, and it seems to be enhanced by ADHD (the core of ADHD is that focus slips between whatever “seems most important” moment-to-moment). But unlike other BPD symptoms, I’m not sure I can really describe why this happens, or the mental process involved. The very nature of impulsivity is that there is no mental process -- decisions are made based on intuition, desire, or perceived need, usually on an instinctual level.

My impulsivity isn’t as problematic as it could be due to my INTJ tendency to overanalyze things and delay making impulsive decisions in many circumstances. In fact, my limited impulsivity can be very useful, such as when I reacted immediately to leave and jog 3 miles on the Vegas Strip in order to grab forgotten tickets and ensure that my group could all see a Cirque du Soleil show on time. The most problematic area for me is verbal impulsivity, as my reactionary responses at times of strong emotion can be poorly considered, hurtful, or misrepresentative of my true feelings. But overall, I become less impulsive as I age.

4. Disinhibition, characterized by:

b) Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger.

This is a symptom that I’ve never particularly struggled with. I haven’t always been completely safe, especially concerning drugs, unprotected sex, and driving recklessly, but I’ve never shown a pattern of risky or self-destructive behavior. And I’m very, very aware of the reality of mortality, especially as an adult.

5. Antagonism, characterized by:

a) Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

Similar to anxiety and depression, I believe hostility doesn’t usually occur in a vacuum and is generally the result of one of the core symptoms of BPD. Shame, fear of rejection or abandonment, anxiety, splitting, and especially emotional lability lead to hostility, both through methods that I’ve already mentioned as well as others. I can’t speak for everyone with BPD, but for me, antagonism is almost always a result of trying and failing to manage my internal thoughts and feelings, not a direct response to the external actions of others. It’s generally self-protective in nature.

Day-to-Day Life

So where am I now? What’s my life like, living with BPD?

Internally, I spend a lot of time trying to differentiate between what I term “reactive emotions” and “true emotions.” Reactive emotions happen all the time, every day, about anything you can imagine -- Edie once asked me to tell her each time I had a strong feeling, and most of our dialogue that Sunday was my explanations of any I noticed and our discussions of them. In other words, if I tried to recognize, validate, and process every emotion I feel, I would literally do nothing else with my life. And that would be pointless, since many of those emotions would have faded or disappeared by the time I finished processing them. So by necessity, I must suppress, control, and dismiss many of my emotions. But I try to recognize when I’m feeling something based in reality, based in a long-term response that will not fade when the electrical signals in my brain change. These are what I call “true emotions.” And the primary process that allows me to differentiate between them is rationality.

I’ve long struggled to mediate between the two sides of myself, what I think of as the principal duality of my existence: Emotion vs. logic. I have both in copious amounts. Over the past decade, I’ve come to understand the emotional side of myself much more thoroughly, but the logical side -- which is generally socially acceptable and much easier to deal with -- hasn’t seemed as important to comprehend. Lately, though, I’ve started exploring the Myers-Briggs structure for understanding personality -- not simply taking the quiz, but rather reading about and understanding the intricacies of the method, and then discussing them in the context of my self with some of my closest friends. I am very clearly an INTJ, the Mastermind/Architect personality. I could delve deeply into a tangent about this aspect of my personality, but I’ll leave that for a later post. For now, suffice it to say that this duality has defined me since I was young.

Also internally, another of my principal processes is what I term “reframing.” It is the long-term process of better understanding myself, the people around me, the events that happen, and humanity as a whole through discovering or deducing new information about a subject, and then adding that information to everything I already know and generating a different -- sometimes only slightly different -- way of understanding the subject. I’m constantly deconstructing and reconstructing my opinions on everything, from the reasons for a minor disagreement with Edie to the way I pursue my Lego business to the reasons Trump won. And by constantly, I truly mean constantly. I’m doing it today while I write. I do it while working, relaxing, playing music, having sex... yeah, even then. I’ve probably done it to some extent during every interaction you’ve ever had with me. This is the primary instigator of change in my life, and the primary lens through which I understand my internal world as well as the external world.

But these logical processes falter when the chemicals in my brain change. And boy, do they love to do that. I spent a lot of time in my original post describing various stimuli that affect me disproportionately compared to “normal people,” and a lot of subsequent discussions focused on the disproportionate emotions caused by those stimuli. But it’s not really the extreme emotions themselves that cause my behavioral issues; as I discussed in the second section of this post, my issues are caused more by my brain’s inability to regulate those emotions, to process them, to affect them at all. The logic disappears. The analysis disappears. The precedents disappear. I feel like I’ve been completely swallowed by an emotional whale, and all I can do is try to get out. So I lash out and try to escape in any way I can, and sometimes I hurt other people -- or myself -- in the process.

Externally, I try to live symbiotically with BPD. I have more understanding and control now than ever before. My emotions have long been informed negatively by my pain levels, which are generally quite high. And that’s an understatement. But supplements, medication, yoga, marijuana, and working out have all helped me get my pain mostly under control, despite my struggles with doing yoga and working out regularly -- another side effect of ADHD. My supplements, including Vitamin D and Ashwagandha, have had a positive effect on my day-to-day baseline mood. Edie and I have found strategies and approaches that minimize the negative effect of my emotions on her, and help me be more positive. I’ve adopted a free-form approach to my workday that helps me stay busy and prevents extended downtime from depressive cycles. I treat acute emotional attacks with various drugs/medications, playing guitar, or taking time alone to calm down. I avoid forcing myself into situations where I know I will likely overload, and am much more lenient with myself and forgiving of myself than I used to be. Overall, I show myself love much better and have a healthier relationship with myself -- and with others by proxy.

Conclusion

I’m not sure when I will write about BPD again, but I’m glad to have expressed myself so well. Before I stop typing, I want to acknowledge that, although my life is more difficult because of BPD, I’m very lucky -- not only only to be raised in the family I was, but also to be privileged to be a white male living in the 21st century in a modernized country. Dealing with this could have been much harder if any of those weren’t true.

I’m always open to conversations about BPD, so please approach me if there’s anything you’d like to talk about, whether that’s over chat, text, phone, or in person. Let’s all keep making the world a better place by being more vulnerable, more open, and more honest about ourselves with everyone around us.

-Jordy

2 notes · View notes

lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

Photo

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/karmic-tools-weekly-forecast-june-2-8-2019/

Karmic Tools Weekly Forecast: June 2 – 8, 2019

By Kelley M. Beard

The video version of this forecast, as read by Kelly, is available here.

The Karmic Tools Weekly Forecast covers the current planetary transits which affect people in different ways and to various degrees of intensity. Take notice when it is a Personal planet (Sun / Moon / Mercury / Venus / Mars) interacting with a Social (Jupiter/Saturn) or Collective planet (Uranus / Neptune/Pluto). And pay extremely close attention when it is a Social planet interacting with a Collective planet because that means something *big* is brewing that will move large groups of people along their evolutionary paths. Tuning in to the energy and rhythm of the planets can serve as a useful *guide* as you move along your Individual Path. It also helps to understand your place within the context of the larger Social & Collective Story. Below, you will find out how these energies tend to manifest, as well as guidance and direction.

*NOTE* There are some days when there are NO CONTACTS (besides the Moon), please note that there are no missing entries, we just list the actual Activations of each week + the day they happen.

Weekly Forecast: June 2 – 8, 2019

6/1 ~ Venus (values, relationships & resources) ~conjunct~ Moon (SoulSelf, messages & rhythm): This activates your innate connection to the natural rhythms of life and illuminates how well your SoulSelf matches the rhythm you’re living. It is time to focus on what feels right and good for your personal SoulSelf. It’s a good time to nest & beautify your personal space, and that includes your mind if it’s been cluttered and your heart if it’s been heavy with old, past burdens. Lighten up! Clear your magnetic field (aura) and empty your mind, then connect to your heart and *FEEL* whatever comes. The Moon brings you messages through your feelings. Venus brings you messages through what you are magnetized to and repelled by. This is a potent seed time, as you make inner connections. Invite or allow support & guidance from women and/or the Sacred Feminine within and around you. Check Out *BONUS* Audio ~ 6/1 Chart Overview HERE (12-min/mp3)

6/2 ~ Venus (values, relationships & resources) ~trine~ Pluto (purification & transformation): Anytime Pluto’s involved the intensity levels go up and you are able to hear, feel or sense your SoulSelf more clearly than usual. Venus brings up that which is most important to you personally, your individual values & priorities, where your relationships & resources are concerned. This is an easy angle, which can make purification & transformation smoother than usual. So, what are you ready to change? How have your values & priorities changed completely in the last year or so? Use this activation to deepen your connection with those you love most and allow or encourage the relationship to evolve to a totally new level. If you’re working on your relationship with money or self-worth specifically, then this activation is a good time for prayer or ritual that supports positive change & your vision for the future. Pour any intense emotions or revelations into some kind of creative expression, art of any medium or do a vision board, but give expression to the depths you recognize as coming to the surface of your conscious awareness, at this time. This energy tends to “intensify” relationships and/or emotions. You may feel extremely drawn to someone, emotionally as well as physically. You may feel the intense need to express your love, mentally, emotionally or physically. This energy is great for bringing deeper insights to the surface, which ultimately should strengthen any relationship. A new relationship started under this influence will usually have an intensity about it, as will any form of creative expression, artistic or otherwise.

6/3 ~ GEMINI New Moon: This New Moon can activate some radically NEW ways of thinking, learning & expressing. How we process information and what we allow IN – into our individual field of resonance, into our personal space or into our consciousness. Now that the ‘Collective Field’ is Infinitely Open, you are encouraged to fortify & rely on your own filters, boundaries & systems for living. It is time to live your own Truth, within the context of the larger, collective Truth. Gemini always activates the lesson of CHOICE, and now that we have so many choices, some more than others, we have to have a way of making the best choices for Self. The way to do that is to strengthen & fortify the *Head/Heart* Connection: allow the Head to present the variety of choices and the possibilities therein, then proceed to the Heart to sign off on what *FEELS* True & Right for You, personally. Anything good for you, is usually good for ALL so think with your Heart! And set intentions for a new level of learning, awareness & energetic exchange with others going forward.

6/7 ~ Mercury (acumen) ~sextile~ Uranus (the Awakener): This energy says, it’s time to go with the flow – “new and different” being the flow. It wants to shake it up a bit – in a good way. However, if you feel like new and different is more like chaos and disruption, then you need to reflect and see if you aren’t being too rigid. Unwillingness to go with the (new) flow will make this energy harder to handle. This is also a good time to try to resolve any old issues or challenges – they are not going away without resolution and conscious release. Perhaps you’ve been trying the same thing over and over and it’s time to try something NEW – now is the time new ideas can/will come to you. Pay attention! Try to be open and receptive to unusual things, events or ideas and allow room for spontaneity. You may think you are doing one thing and look up and be doing something completely different – so be open to exploring the new path!

*****

LoveHasWon.org is a 501c3 Non Profit Charity, Heartfully Associated with the “World Blessing Church Trust” for the Benefit of Mother Earth

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

LOVE US @ MeWe mewe.com/join/lovehaswon

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/

Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Feel Blocked, Drained, Fatigued, Restless, Nausea, Achy, Ready to Give Up? We Can Help! We are preparing everyone for a Full Planetary Ascension, and provide you with the tools and techniques to assist you Home Into The Light. The First Contact Ground Crew Team, Will Help to Get You Ready For Ascension which is Underway. New Spiritual Sessions have now been created for an Entire Family, including the Crystal Children; Group Family Healing & Therapy. We have just began these and they are incredible. Highly recommend for any families struggling together in these times of intense changes. Email: [email protected] for more information or to schedule an emergency spiritual session. We can Assist You into Awakening into 5d Reality, where your experience is one of Constant Joy, Wholeness of Being, Whole Health, Balanced, Happy and Abundant. Lets DO THIS! Schedule Your Session Below by following the Link! Visit: http://www.lovehaswon.org/awaken-to-5d/

Introducing our New LoveHasWon Twin Flame Spiritual Intuitive Ascension Session. Visit the link below:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-twin-flame-spiritual-intuitive-ascension-session/

Request an Astonishing Personal Ascension Assessment Report or Astrology Reading, visit the link below for more information:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-assessment-report

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-astrology/

Experiencing DeAscension Symptoms, Energy Blockages, Disease and more? Book a Holistic Healing Session

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-holistic-healing-session/

To read our Testimonials you can follow this link: http://www.lovehaswon.org/testimonials

Connect with MotherGod~Mother of All Creation on Skype @ mothergoddess8

Visit Our Online Store for Higher Consciousness Products and Tools: LoveHasWon Essentials

http://lovehaswonessentials.org/

Request a copy of our Book: The Tree of Life ~ Light of The Immortals Book

Order a copy of Our LoveHasWon Ascension Guide: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-guide/

Donate to Love:

We are a Donation based service for the Planetary Ascension. Thank you for showing your support and keeping our website and Love Energies moving forward! Thanks for supporting your family of light in their time of need to fulfill mission. We are Eternally Grateful!

Donate to Love: http://www.lovehaswon.org/donate-to-love/

*Please Indicate the Purpose of Donation: Session or Mission

Donate to Love

Top of Form

~~~When donating via Paypal please select “personal payment”, as opposed to goods and services, this in turn gives more of your donation to LoveHasWon~~~

Bottom of Form

Use Cash App with Our code and we’ll each get $5! FKMPGLH

Cash App Tag: $lovehaswon1111

Cash App

Donate with Venmo

VENMO

Support Our cause in the creation of the Crystal Schools for Children. Visit our fundraising link below:

LoveHasWon Charity for Crystal Schools

Support Our Charity in Co~Creating the New Earth Together by Helping Mother of All Creation. Visit our fundraising link below:

Support Mother Earth!

Support Us on PATREON

PATREON

Support Us Through Our LoveHasWon Wish List

LoveHasWon Wish List

We also accept Western Union and Moneygram. You may send an email to [email protected] for more information.

***If you wish to send Donations by mail or other methods, email us at [email protected] or [email protected]***

**** We Do Not Refund Donations****

MeWe ~ Youtube ~ Facebook ~ Apple News ~ Linkedin ~ Twitter ~ Tumblr ~ GAB ~ Minds ~ Google+ ~ Medium ~ StumbleUpon ~ Reddit ~ Informed Planet ~ Steemit ~ SocialClub ~ BlogLovin ~ Flipboard ~ Pinterest ~ Instagram ~ Snapchat

#5D Astrology #Astrology Updates

0 notes

emetoandotherthings · 7 years

Text

Damian’s Coeliac Saga ~Pt 6

A/N: Sorry this has taken me a bit of time, I promised @its-a-goddamn-heartbreak that I’d include a scene with Emilia, and perhaps Jude is being a little more grown up and showing the budding sweetheart that we know, rather than the twelve year old snotbag he’s been so far! So anyway... I hope you enjoy! 😁

Fatigue – with excessive tiredness, lack of concentration, dips in mood. Damian was sitting at his desk and had torn a sheet of paper out from his A4 refill pad and set it next to the homework he was trying to complete, but was unable to focus as his mind kept wandering back to the worries that had been plaguing him. He’d decided that if he wrote down how he’d been feeling then it might be out of his mind for long enough to finish his homework, then he could look it up online later. Upset stomach – including bloating, cramps, nausea, vomiting, and weight loss (?). He was writing down everything in a bullet point list; he could practically see the worried look that had been plastered on Cain’s face on Friday and Saturday, then the residual concern since they’d been back at school. He was only glad that Cain had been in different classes from him when the pain had flared up while he was in Chemistry. He’d tried to hold it in as long as he could, gritting his teeth and pressing a hand to his bloated abdomen, until his teacher Dr. Stephen put his hand onto Damian’s shoulder and asked if he was feeling okay. As soon as Damian shook his head, he’d been told to pack up his books and go home. He’d felt awful, both physically and mentally; he was beginning to think that something might actually be really wrong… Mouth ulcers. Cold extremities. He couldn’t think of anything else that could be at all relevant, so he pushed that scrap of paper to the side, and went back to copying a neater version of a plot timeline for his English personal study. The pain in his abdomen as he clutched a hot water bottle onto it, and sipped at a glass of water he’d refilled every time he drank it. As he slid his ruler back into his stationery drawer and pinned the plan for the essay he was yet to write up onto his noticeboard above his desk, his eyes fell again on the scrap of paper that he’d written his “symptoms” down on to. He was well aware that googling his symptoms was not advisable, especially as a budding medic, but at this moment it was the only way that he could get any kind of reassurance without causing any more worry to anyone else. Flicking his laptop back to life, he soon found himself on a well known symptom checking website, feeding in everything that he’d written down and watching as the ‘conditions associated with selected symptoms’ refined themselves. When he’d fed in the nine symptoms he could find on the system there was a list of twenty possibilities; he picked up his pen again and began to go through them one by one, dismissing those that he knew were ridiculous. Gastroenteritis couldn’t go on for three weeks and surely wouldn’t be so intermittent; the same went for food poisoning. Despite his mum’s concern, Damian was pretty sure he wasn’t having panic attacks – if anything he was more stressed out after the periods of cramp and nausea than he was before; and he crossed out depression with that as well. He was fairly sure he wasn’t suffering from a drug allergy unless someone was poisoning him, and the plausibility of iron poisoning almost ludicrous. So he was left with a list that he wrote down so he could research each one individually. Irritable Bowel Syndrome; Giardiasis; Intestinal ischaemia / obstruction; Ulcerative Colitis; Anaemia; Hyperthyriodism; Intestinal ileus; Chronic Kidney disease; cystic fibrosis; inflammatory bowel disease; Thalassemia. Damian’s heart was pounding as he stared down at the list. He knew most of the words in the list and was perturbed to realise that a lot of them were either serious or chronic. The one that leapt out at him straight away was ‘anaemia’ – he knew his mum had been on iron tablets at some point… Could that be it? Perhaps there was some kind of genetic trait to it? Cautiously Damian circled that option on the list and began to research the other, more alarming, possibilities on the list.

“Dami – “ Jude trailed off as he entered the doorway of his brother’s bedroom. He couldn’t honestly say that he was surprised to find Damian with his head down on his arms at his desk, asleep. Jude shook his head, chuckling slightly as he padded along behind his brother, intending to give him a fright and wake him up. He’d raised his hands in preparation, but as he reached the back of Damian’s chair he saw the list poking out from under his brother’s arm and stopped dead, his eyes scanning down a plethora of symptoms and illness. Jude’s heart seemed to freeze inside his chest as he stared at his brother – he was so pale, and the cheek that Jude could see was hollow from the cheekbone down. His arms had dropped back to his side as the will to frighten Damian had vanished; clearly Damian was worried, worried enough to be researching it. Jude felt bad – he’d been teasing and berating his brother for being a wuss, he’d actually been feeling ill… Gently he put his hands onto Damian’s shoulders and gave them a light squeeze. “Damian… It’s time for dinner.” “Hmmmm?” Damian raised his head from his arms, blinking blearily and Jude took a hasty step back so Damian couldn’t see that he’d been able to see the list on the desk. “It’s dinner time,” Jude repeated as Damian rubbed his hand across his face. “Oh okay,” he stretched his arms above his head, “I’ll be down in a moment.” Jude left Damian’s room without saying anything else, but as he descended the stairs he was still thinking about the list of symptoms that Damian had written.

Damian shuffled his steak pie around his plate, mashing down his potatoes further so it looked like he had eaten something; his stomach was still feeling tender after the cramps of this afternoon. This wasn’t fooling his mum though, as after a couple of minutes she pointed towards his plate. “Mushing it down like that isn’t going to convince me you’ve eaten any,” she spoke lowly, although her eyebrow was raised at him. Damian sighed and placed his fork down next to his plate. “I’m not really hungry…” He mumbled, not meeting his mum’s eyes. “My stomach is still kinda upset…” “Right, well I’d like you to eat something,” his mum insisted, “so if this is too rich, then you’ll have to tell me what you feel up to having.” “I’ll try and have some,” Damian conceded, picking his fork back up again and scooped up some potato. “What if,” Emilia had piped up from her place across from Damian at the table; her grey eyes were extra wide in her pale face. “You ate a wolf spider when you were sleeping, and it’s slid down to your tummy and then had babies, and they’re growing and squiggling and when they’re full grown they’ll all burst out of your skin and scuttle away!” Damian stared agog at his younger sister, who had just taken another bite of her dinner and didn’t seem at all aware at the absurdity of what she’d just said. “Emilia!” their mum also looked a little shocked. “What?” She asked. “Or maybe you’ve got a giant parasite that you got from drinking water on camp, and it’s slowly eating away at your insides bit by bit and-” “Emilia, eat your dinner,” their mum reprimanded firmly. “But it could-” she began to protest. “Now!”

Damian was staring down at his plate again, aware that his stomach was squirming around inside him and all he could now envisage was some sort of bug living in his abdomen. The appeal of the steak pie on his plate was even less now and his throat felt tight. “Can I leave the table?” Damian asked, placing both of his hands on the table top and closing his eyes. “Please?” He heard his mum sigh from beside him. “Okay,” she permitted reluctantly. Damian stood in the kitchen, still able to hear his mum’s voice as she seemed to be reprimanding Emilia; it struck Damian as slightly odd at how quiet Jude had been during his sister’s pronouncement. Normally he would have chipped in with some kind of sarcastic comment, but he hadn’t said anything. He waited, leaning against one of the counters, and tried to push out the strange sensation of wrestling that was going on inside him. Eventually his mum came through, carrying a stack of plates with her and she laid down next to the sink, opening the dishwasher door.

“Mum?” Damian began, there wasn’t any better time than now. “Yes Damian?” She answered, scraping the residual food from the plates into the bin. “I want to go to the doctors,” he said quickly, and his mum paused for a second then continued to load the plates into the rack.

“What for?” She asked, she sounded very calm, but Damian could see her eyes studying him as she straightened up. “Well, you know how I’ve been tired and getting stomach aches and everything…” He muttered, swivelling his foot onto the ground and watching it so as he didn’t need to look into her face. “I wondered whether I might be anaemic and that might be what’s causing how I feel…” “It could be,” his mum admitted, then took a few steps towards him. “Let me see…” Her cold hands took hold of his face and pulled slightly at the skin of his cheeks so she could see the insides of his eyelids. “You are a bit pale.” Then unexpectedly she pulled Damian into a tight hug. “Mum?” Damian questioned, surprised at how tightly she held onto him. “I’ll call and make you an appointment in the morning,” she agreed, releasing him from her embrace. “But now, I want you to have something to eat.” Damian let out a little groan, but his mum ignored him. “How about a banana on toast?” “Fine,” Damian replied, understanding that this was a battle not worth fighting. It had only been half an hour after eating his toast and banana that Damian’s stomach began to burble and ache again. Under the pretence of going to start his English essay, he excused himself from the living room and went up to his bedroom. But when he was there he didn’t sit down at his desk, instead he sank down onto his bed, lying on his back and cradling his belly with both of his hands. He groaned aloud, unable to hold in his discomfort; he slowly pulled up the front of his t-shirt to reveal his bloated stomach, which continued to gurgle. He closed his eyes, resting his head back onto his pillow, and using one hand to rub across the warm flesh of his upset belly. “Damian, I – oh…” Jude’s voice came abruptly from the doorway, then trailed off. Damian’s eyes snapped open and he tugged his t-shirt back down over his exposed flesh. “What?” He snapped at his younger brother, who was still staring at the place where Damian’s exposed flesh had been. “That looks really painful,” Jude murmured and he sounded quiet and concerned. “Yeah… well…” Damian pushed himself up on his elbows on the bed. “I came to see if you wanted a coffee but…” Jude started then tailed off again, seemingly considering something. “Do you want a belly rub?” “What?” Damian asked, sure that he must have misheard. “I mean,” Jude was staring pretty intensely at Damian’s laminate flooring. “I know that helps me when my belly hurts, so…” “Yeah,” Damian found himself agreeing, and Jude looked surprised at Damian’s acceptance. “Move over a little bit then,” Jude said, and he perched on the edge of the bed as Damian shuffled over, letting out a low groan as he did so. After a few moments Damian felt his brother’s warm hand slip onto his painful and bloated flesh, then began to rub very small circles. It was nice, someone else’s hand administering gentle ministrations, and he laid back his head again. It wasn’t long until Jude could hear Damian’s breathing evening out as he fell asleep, then drew his hand away while staring at his brother. He couldn’t stop the guilt rising up in him for treating his brother so awfully, and the worry that something was really wrong…

#my writing #emeto(ish)#emeto fiction #Damian's coeliac saga #coeliac #nausea #pain #worry #original character fiction #ocs #Damian #Jude #Emilia

34 notes · View notes