#otp: kiley
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Meet Cute // KendallxRiley // Big Time Rush
A/N: So I realized that I’ve written Riley in two different ways the last few years; the angst driven one with her parents dead and the other lighthearted driven one when her parents are alive. But unless you pay attention to the things I write in different fandoms, you wouldn’t really see how they’re the same character but there are fundemental things about her personality that are different with and without the influence of her parents. So, I decided to write two quick scenes to show y’all!
The first version is where her parents are dead, the second is where they’re alive. This is set around Big Time Audition.
Tag List: @partiallypearl @witchofinterest @mystic-scripture @darknightfrombeyond @arrthurpendragon
Version 1
Kendall pushed open the door to the costume closet with light trepidation. Was there going to be more leather all over the place? Or was it going to be an explosion of red, white, and blue with tassels? Either way, he hoped Gustavo got the message that the boys weren’t going to be easily controlled. Then again, Griffin’s assistants—Obdul and Jessica—seemed to be as crazy as Griffin were and thought they were good ideas. (Though he figured, being around Griffin in any capacity of time was enough to drive anyone insane).
“Hello?” He called.
“You’re late!”
The voice came from behind a set of racks that sat in the middle of the floor. Kendall walked over and peered around it, finding a girl teenage girl his age sitting on the floor with a pencil in her mouth an da clipboard on her lap. She looked up at him, eyelashes fluttering behind the long black hair with red streaks that hung straight around her shoulders and back.
“Raleigh?” He asked.
She pulled the pencil from her mouth and said flatly, “It’s Riley. And you’re late.”
“Sorry.” He held out his hand to help her up, brought it back to his side when she stood on her own. “I just…”
“I would be too if I had to wear what you lot did when Griffin was in here,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. Once on her feet, she set her clipboard aside and shook his hand. She tilted her head, turning his hand aside. “You play guitar?”
It took a second for him to recognize the change in subject. “Yeah, how could you tell?”
“Callouses,” she replied plainly. “It’s all over your hands, mate.” She slid her hands into the back pockets of her jeans, shifted her weight as she cocked her hip. Looked him up and down, the hint of a smirk coming to her face. “Plus, I reckon you don’t seem the type to be in a boy band.”
“Is that a good or a bad thing?”
“I’m trying to figure that out,” she replied honestly. “Also, you’re pretty brave for wanting to work with Gustavo Rocque. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he can be a little…”
“Unhinged?”
“I was going to say ‘completely mental’ but that works, yeah?”
“That…probably does work better. It’s really accurate.” Kendall nodded. “And, how many times do you get the chance to try to make music with some of your best friends?” Her eyebrows rose. “Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime,” he said, answering her question. “How could I pass it up?”
“Don’t you have a background in hockey?” Riley folded her arms, studying him. He looked at her curiously. “You have to do your research on anyone you’re going to work with,” she said as explanation. “Hockey, huh?”
“Hockey’s my life,” Kendall said. “I grew up playing it. I can’t imagine not being on the ice…it’s like home to me.” He suddenly felt a pang in his chest, of anxiety. Had he made the right decision? To give everything up and go all the way to California to try and see if they could be a music group? A success? But he also couldn’t sit back and have his best friend be berated and told that he had ‘no talent’ when James had all the talent in the world and then some. “But there’s always time for it. There’s always an off-season.”
“Sounds like me and surfing,” Riley said after a second with a light nod. “I never planned on being in a band, I just want to be in the water.”
“Right!” Kendall’s anxiety washed away with her words. Finally, someone who understood. “The feeling of the stick in your hands, the reverberation of the slapshot you just took, the rush of getting that slapshot into the top corner of the net as it slides by the goalie? Facing off against the line of defenders while you try to make a breakaway for the last goal of the game. Washing out all blood—and sometimes mucus—stains from your jersey but not washing out the memories.”
“Whatever you say, Hockey-Head,” Riley quipped after a second of silence. “You’re lucky you’re cute or else I’m sure that would turn off a lot of people, yeah?” She looked at him suspiciously. “You do have all your teeth, right?”
“Yes, I have all my teeth,” Kendall said with a roll of his eyes. He pursed his lips and made a show of tapping his two front teeth with his fingertips. Then started to smile and play a beat with the tapping from his fingertips. “Hey, maybe Griffin would be happy with something like that?”
Riley sighed, placing a hand on her hip. The other rested on the arm of the couch, supporting her weight. “Something tells me you’re going to be very annoying,” Despite her words, she had a small smile on her face.
Kendall smiled back.
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Version 2
Kendall hesitantly stepped into the costume closet. He pressed his hand against the door and pressed it open, expecting to see even more red, white, and blue apparel all over the place. Either that or the massive amounts of leather he and his friends had been forced to squeeze into. His legs still had the rash that even his mom’s best lotions couldn’t cure.
The idea of being dressed in any of those outfits again was enough to have Kendall turn tail and run. But James would never forgive him, especially not after Griffin decided to take a chance on them and sign them after three days of hard work. Logan would’ve ranted at him the statistics of the time, blood, sweat, and tears they would have wasted. And Carlos…he wouldn’t have cared much; everything was an adventure to him.
But he’d never backed away from a challenge and he wanted to prove Gustavo and Griffin wrong. Still, he found himself trembling as he entered the costume closet for the fifth time in the last few days. He found a teenage girl about his age scribbling on a clipboard.
“Raleigh?” he asked, using the name Gustavo had given them.
She lifted her head, brushing her black hair from her blue eyes. A strand of dyed red fell back into her face, and she tucked it behind her ears along with her low pigtails. “Actually, it’s Riley.”
“Oh.” Kendall blinked, suddenly at a loss for words. Partially from embarrassment at having gotten her name wrong—though he should’ve known that Gustavo wouldn’t have gotten anyone’s names right considering he and his friends had almost immediately been reduced to ‘dogs’—and partially because he was stunned from her smile. Was that an accent? “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” she replied with ease.
Kendall felt his cheeks burn as he smiled. “I’m Kendall.”
“I know who you are.” She stuck out her hand with a warm smile. He took it, eyebrows widening when he felt the firmness of her handshake. Then they lowered in confusion when she turned his hand over and ran her fingers from his palm to his fingertips. She lifted her head, blue eyes widening in excitement. “You play the guitar?”
“Yeah.” He brought his hand back, momentarily surprised. “How could you tell?”
“A bloke like you doesn’t seem like they’d be in a boyband, yeah?” She lazily waved her hand, moving back through the costume closet to grab a rack of clothes he assumed were for him. Judging by the flannels and skate shoes he saw sitting on it. “Doesn’t really seem like your thing.”
Kendall watched her as she moved, silently wondering if that was a good or a bad thing. Being in a boyband wasn’t his thing, they were going to be a singing group. There was a difference. Still, he found himself smiling at her comment.
Noticing the silence, Riley chuckled quietly and said, “The callouses on your fingers are a dead giveaway, mate.” She rested her arms on the top of the rack and gently rocked back and forth. “So, what made you agree to work with Gustavo? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he can be a little…”
“Unhinged?”
“I was going to say ‘crazy’ but…” she shrugged. “Your word is correct.”
Kendall laughed. “Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime,” he said, answering her question. “How could I pass it up?”
“Easily, considering you were slated to become a big hockey star.” She smiled gently when his eyes narrowed. They’d only just met; how could she have possibly known that? “One thing to learn about the industry, everyone is in everyone’s business and it’s only a matter of time until it reaches the public. Whatever you don’t want people to know…I hope you’ve got it under wraps.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “For me it’s only a matter of seconds until something I try to hide gets to my managers. Then again, my mum and dad are my managers.” She paused. “Hockey, huh?”
“Hockey is my dream,” Kendall admitted. He suddenly felt a pang in his chest, of anxiety. Had he made the right decision? To give everything up and go all the way to California to try and see if they could be a music group? A success? But he also couldn’t sit back and have his best friend be berated and told that he had ‘no talent’ when James had all the talent in the world and then some. “I want to play center for the Wild.” He shrugged. “Or the Maple Leafs.”
“Dreaming big.”
“Yeah. But I couldn’t take this opportunity away from James. He’s my best bud, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. There’s always time for hockey, there’s always an off-season.”
“Whatever you say, Hockey-Head,” Riley quipped. She pushed herself away from the rack of clothes and smiled demurely. “I think Gustavo and Griffin may regret hiring with you lot. But, you plan on sticking around, yeah?”
“As far as this takes us.”
She folded her arms. “Ace!” Her eyes dipped over him and for a moment, he felt like he was being X-Rayed. Her smirk-smile widened. “I think this’ll be fun.”
Kendall found himself smiling back.
#big time rush#big time rush oc#btr#kendall knight#oc: riley jackson#kiley#otp: kiley#otp: knight light#otp: hockey head and surfer babe#by: riley#drabble
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how abt jim??
Favorite thing about them- they believe so strongly that they’re the cool one in every situation, but they are just as ridiculous and over the top as the rest of the crew
Least favorite thing about them- it’s not actually about them so much as just an absence in the show, but we don’t really get to see them interact with anyone from Ed’s crew, which I think is a shame. S2 will fix this for sure tho!
Fav line- “Olu, grow up! We live in a state of nature.” There has never been a better response to someone mentioning the murder you did. One of the best lines in the whole show from anyone.
brOTP- Jim and Frenchie that’s such sibling energy I love it so much
OTP- Jim/Spanish Jackie is borderline fucking canon to me and no one can tell me I’m wrong, Jim/Izzy (+/- Olu/Izzy) is a close second because sourpusses look cute together
nOTP- Jim/Ed, jim just wouldn’t have the patience and I’m on Jim’s side with that one
Random headcanon- has a secret tattoo that they snuck out and got without Nana knowing (Nana knows)
Unpopular opinion- Jim would actually make really great aroallo rep in the show, including them being in a committed (whatever that means in context of pirates in this show) with Olu
Song I associate with them- Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You- Rilo Kiley
Favorite picture-
It’s not high quality but this is everything to me just the slight daze, the struggle with the beard, grasping for the post to steady themself- absolute perfection
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Five song otp playlist for my MasterDoctor playlist bc it makes me laugh and once a friend described it as ‘a cry for help’. Thank you @palms-upturned for the tag!
Kill All Your Friends by My Chemical Romance
Well you can hide a lot about yourself/ but honey what are you gonna do?/ and you can sleep in a coffin but the past ain’t through with you/ ‘cause we are all a bunch of liars/ tell me, baby, who do you wanna be?
Sometimes you scrape and sink so low/ I’m shocked at what you’re capable of/ and if this is a coronation I ain’t feeling the love/ ‘cause we are all a bunch of animals that never paid attention in school/ so tell me all about your problems/ I was killing before killing was cool
Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift
But I got smarter/ I got harder/ in the nick of time/ honey I rose up from the dead/ I do it all the time
Ooh, look what you made me do…/ I don’t trust nobody/ and nobody trusts me/ I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dream
Unmasked! By The Mountain Goats
And I’m up high trying to say goodbye/ the only way I know how/ crude and graceless/ peeking through the eyeholes/ seeing the real you/ and just after midnight/ when it feels like it’s getting late/ I will reveal you/… and you don’t care, you look almost relieved down there/ like you’re free/ like you can breathe now
No children by the mountain goats
I hope the fences we mended/ fall down beneath their own weight/ and I hope we hang on past the last exit/ I hope it’s already too late… I hope it stays dark forever/ I hope the worst isn’t over/ I hope you blink before I do/ I hope I never get sober/ and I hope when you think of me years down the line/ you can’t find one good thing to say/… I am drowning/ there is no sign of land/ you are coming down with me/ hand in unlovable hand
Bury, bury, bury another by Rilo Kiley
Maybe distance might wash away your loved ones/ that left you all at once, just because/ it was bury, bury, bury another/ you’d wash your feet as you make your way up/ to some overly quiet place/ you never looked hard enough/ for your own last name/… now all the afternoons between romances keep us hanging on/ we wish our ex was by our side/ and the loved ones you had/ they didn’t please you enough/ now your face is in your hands/ you wonder if anyone ever will, ever will, ever will
Thank you for the tag meg!! I tag anyone who wants to do it!!
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how about chara for the ask game!!
chara. chara chara chara
favorite thing about them:
so. you see one of my FAVORITE tropes in media is that the narrator was a character all along. partially because- especially when i was younger- i would pay super close attention to narration and choices and diction in a game to glean anything like a canon personality to a silent protagonist. and the narrator being a person in the story itself was basically a 'you were right to pay attention! it is that deep!' to me. and my fondness for this predates undertale!
i know narrachara isnt canon-canon, but... man! if it is, then chara is easily one of the most complex characters in undertale by the fact they have the most "screentime"(?) to work with!
it means they're funny and bitingly sarcastic when they want to be, it means they have opinions on anime debates, that they like plants and fun facts, they're impatient, they have a deep sense of right and wrong, they think a heroine who can save the underground is the coolest thing ever, they know some DEEP CUT old video game references, they like obscure japanese novels about tea and kitchens and loss...
its just so cool to me that a character that barely exists in the narrative- only known through second hand stories and footage, even less than we know about asriel- is revealed to be the narrative. and so many emotional beats get to hit so much harder. its just... a nice idea, you know? that we get to meet something like the real them at all.
least favorite thing about them:
ah hmmm. hm. i have reached the point of "they obviously have some pretty severe issues i don't think were helped by the unknowing, well-intentioned pressure of their loved ones and the entire underground as one of the two only 'hopes' of an entire group of people, and they did and can do some really jacked up things, but also think about them as a catholic 12 year old and everything makes sense."
tldr; i love chara discussions but i think we can all move past totally black or white reads of them because that doesn't fit in at all with the themes and style of toby's writing. utdr simply doesn't have pure evil or perfect good
favorite line:
brotp:
sighs. sighs. i talked about them and asriel in his post but. augh. they were so important to each other. making edgy ocs- chara remembered the name of every single attack. they gagged over their parents PDA together. they... man. man. objectively not great for each other, but i think they desperately needed each other in their lives.
frisk and chara are also. just! man!!!! they get impatient over repeated checking but its impossible for me to not read so much of it as... painfully fond. it's you! you won! hey, you're not made of money. that's called a 'water sausage'. ...there's a lot there, i think.
otp/notp:
same digs with asriel i dont ship them with anyone, really!
random headcanon:
they knew dr. gaster when they were both alive/whole and they liked that he treated them as a Peer. An Intellectual Equal. (read: dr. gaster did actually treat them like a child he just did it in a way that made chara feel respected lol)
golden flowers are weeds. they choke out any garden they're in and are incredibly tenacious. chara likes them so much because have spent hours wistfully relating to them while looking out of their original city's library windows
fell in 2012 and has all the baggage and trappings of being a 11-12 y/o closeted nonbinary kid who was too online in 2012
songs i associate with them:
some excerpts from the playlist i made for them when i was 16
The Scary Jokes - Catabolic Seed
My Chemical Romance - The End
Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
..... Panic! At the Disco - The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is The Press Coverage
favorite image:
of course, offical and my own LMAO
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For the character ask game, you know I have to ask Tobirama.
favorite thing about them
The relationship he has with his brother isn't perfect but he clearly loves him. Tobirama can be antagonistic and honestly mean to him (natural younger sibling trait) yet he respects and love his brother to the point where he starts to become fond of Naruto just because Naruto reminds him of Hashirama. (Though some of the ways he is "mean" is just because Tobirama is a blunt individual who will say what he means without the intention of being hurtful even if it is in the end. And some of the way's he's "mean" is because he's a bitch and I love that for him.)
least favorite thing about them
I think a lot of Tobirama fans seem to shy away from it but he is kind of a hateful individual. He dresses it up in stoicism and logical thinking and maybe he even believes he isn't but Tobirama hates. I DO think Tobirama hated the Uchiha, I think he would say other wise but he was born in a war with them, he lost his family to them. He may even felt like his own brother chose them over him when he was too young to see it as anything else. But another problem is he was warped by the shinobi system before it was even implemented and pushed his emotions so far down that he "couldn't" hate the Uchiha because shinobi had no use for such an emotion. In my head things were getting better towards the end (largely due to Kagami) and he was able to see the people beyond the clan but then his brother died and he was on a fast track towards death himself and drowned himself in work so any relations that could have bloomed between them died but that's neither here nor there.
favorite line
brOTP
I love the idea of Mito and Tobirama being best friends. Especially if it results in something like -
Hashirama "please stop stealing my wife"
Tobirama "grow a brain and maybe it wouldn't be so easy"
-cause, you know, sibling culture.
OTP
Madatobi, baby!
nOTP
All the rest of the ships but especially when it comes to with his students (both his genin team and hokage team). MDTB shipper that I am, I'm often very "no romo" when it comes to Tobirama. However if the art is good 👀
random headcanon
The fur collar of his armor is to give him an intimidating, feral appearance on the battle field and not because he find comfort in soft things. He is a hardened shinobi who definitely doesn't indulge, on occasions, to obtain soft fabrics and blankets for his room where no one can see him with his face smooshed in it when he's in bed.
unpopular opinion
Maybe there can be fics where Tobirama is forced to confront his hatred, why it's there and healing from the trauma that caused it instead of it always making it like Tobirama just doesn't hate anyone and the only reason people assume he does is because he's a blunt????????? To be more mean, the whole “Tobirama did nothing wrong” take is bad and just as annoying as anti-Tobirama posts.
song i associate with them
Science vs. Romance by Rilo Kiley
I used to think
If I could realize I'd die
Then I would be a lot nicer
Used to believe
In a lot more
Now I just see straight ahead
(sifts through angst songs and picking the one silly-ish one)
favorite picture of them
Remember when they’re beating Hurizen’s ass?? Good times. (I couldn’t choose a favorite, there are many I love.)
#Tobirama#''i'm not the kind of man who goes around lying to himself''#tobirama says lying to himself#<- official quote probably
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Silver Lining
PART ONE
Summary: After sending Haley & Jack into WITSEC from the comfort of his hospital bed, Hotch decides to end things with Morgan for his safety...and then his life falls apart. (Set around 05x01 and the time leading up to 5x02)
Warnings: stabbing, hospital, vomit, blood (lots), nosebleed, pain medication & withdrawals...
Pairings: Hotch/Morgan
Words: 3.5k
Read On AO3: Silver Lining
Notes: Okay, I know I already have a multi-chapter going but this one lined up with the prompt for Comfortember Day 23 - Hiding, and the other half will be up tomorrow for another prompt, and then the final part of Negative Space will come...it's all a sort of wishywashy plan because I am all over the place right now. Beware...this is FULLY melodramatic because if I'm going to make my OTP break up, it's going to be very very bad. Go big or go home.
Find the rest here: Comfortember 2021
I never felt so wicked
As when I willed our love to die (Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining)
“Ground control to Major Tom,” Penelope whispers, dragging her index finger up the back of Derek's neck. He doesn't startle, just blinks his eyes open and peers up at her. His back is stiff, he arches and tries to stretch the sleep from his muscles. “You coming to the office today?”
“He shouldn't be alone,” he says, watching the gentle rise and fall of Aaron's chest. She hums and nods, wondering how long they'd been sleeping, sorry she'd disturbed him.
“I thought you might say that, so I took the liberty of clearing your schedule for the day. You hungry?” He can smell the pancakes and sausage and his stomach growls, she doesn't even have to open the bag or tell him what it is. His favorite meal from the diner near the office, she spoils him. It's almost too easy for her.
“Woman...” he grins and Aaron shifts miserably in his sleep, tries to curl on his side, his back aches from lying in the same position but his torso is inflexible, stiff staples and stitches hold him flat. It wakes him up. He still hasn't come to terms with not being able to bend or move, not having enough in tact core muscles to do much of anything but lay still.
“You bring anything for me?” he croaks and she panics, feels her heart leap into her throat. She tries to stammer out a response, nothing comes out but jumbled nonsense and she glances desperately at Derek for help. Aaron smiles, its lopsided and his eyes flutter open and closed, he's barely there.
“He's just being an ass,” Derek says, giving Aaron's limp hand a little squeeze. “Don't worry about it mama. He hasn't even cleared diluted juice yet, no way he's getting any of my pancakes.” She looks at the pink bucket sitting on Derek's lap and her heart breaks.
“I'm sorry, sir,” she says, the gravity of the situation finally hitting her. It was always going to be awful, she knew it, there was never any question but he'd survived so he was fine...until he wasn't. Two days prior, he was managing one of the biggest crime scenes the BAU had experienced to date, and now he wasn't even able to sit up of his own volition or drink apple juice. None of them could think about that for too long.
But he's still smiling at her, like he's lost in time and she can't help but smile back. “What's so funny?” He opens his mouth to respond, just to make a silly comment about Derek sharing food...and they both see it at the same time, the way the color drains from his face, he goes pale, lips ashen and she freezes in place while Derek springs into action. He picks up the pink bucket and forces the bed upright, scoots up onto the bed with him. One arm drapes around his shoulders, the other holds the bucket beneath his chin as Aaron shudders through another round of dry heaving into the bucket. She's mortified. He was just smiling, he hadn't even said what was funny and now...
“Can I help?” Her voice squeaks, breaks and Derek's hand is in his hair, he's rubbing the back of his neck, flushed and sweaty. There is too much color there, the skin is pink and splashed with smears of iodine dipping beneath fresh gauze, deep purple bruises at his jaw that paint pictures in her head she'd rather not have. She hates that she's here watching him like this, knows he would hate it too if he was able to give it much thought. Luckily he would probably forget she'd even been there. Derek's credentials, covered in Aaron's blood, sit beside the window catching the sunlight and she can't stop looking over at them, reliving the horror of calling around to all of the hospitals in the area, the desperation that sat heavy in her chest with every dead end she hit.
“You know this is Foyet's fault, right?” She blurts it out, and both of them stop to look at her. She can see it, the way they share this thing, this awful connection that started in Boston with a phone call, a broken window and a bullet. It's going to smother all of the good if they're not careful. There are tears running down Aaron's cheeks, burning hot from the flames licking their way up his esophagus, stomach betraying him once again. He's trying not to fight the convulsions, the pain is overwhelming. “Nothing either of you did...or didn't do...is responsible for this...any of this. He's the serial killer.” And we catch serial killers, she wanted to add it but the way they both looked at her was overwhelming. She had their undivided attention. “I just...I love you both so much and I think you need someone to remind you that...you didn't do this. He did.”
But it all goes to hell after she leaves. It's so good while she's there, he pretends for her, he smiles for her. He's always got smiles for Penelope. And then it's “I'm sorry Derek. I've had some time to consider my options..." He's blinking heavy again, it's only a matter of time before the drugs pull him under again, he's been awake so long. "It isn't what I want..." He doesn't know how to do this.
“Then stop talking. You're being stupid.”
“No,” he whispers, closing his eyes against another wave of nausea. “Haley and Jack...and you. You're not safe with me. If Foyet knows...Derek I can't take that chance.” Please forgive me, he thinks, his chest constricting. He's remorseful, he's clinging to the hope that this is what he needs to do in order to protect the people he loves. He's delusional, maybe. His mind is made up and he's got to be alone...it's all he can believe in. If he can't believe that, he may as well give up now. Foyet wants to watch him miserable, and he'll get it. “Please go.”
“Really? You actually think this is gonna stop him?” Derek asks, brows knit together in frustration. He's trying to be gentle, he knows Aaron isn't exactly thinking straight, he's barely even conscious most of the time. "He had my creds, Aaron. He's probably been watching me, too. This is the dumbest shit you've ever done." Aaron can't open his eyes, can't watch as Derek pleads with him. He's a coward, has to turn away or else he'll change his mind and that's worse.
Foyet can't win if there is nothing left to take from him.
“I love you,” he whispers, and it's as much as Derek is bound to get. It's dismissive, final, almost cold.
He wakes slowly. Unsure what time of day it is, the world is too bright, too sterile. There are no definite shapes, everything coated in a hazy film he can't seem to blink away. Gravity, medication, it all holds him tight to the bed. There is no difference between his days here, they bleed one into the next through a stream of pain and disorientation. Eyes fluttering closed again, he settles...he was afraid, forgetting momentarily why he was there, paralyzed but too tired to give in to it. Too tired to question it.
Beside him Penelope watches, hoping that this time was the time he opened his eyes and they stayed open. Derek was texting her, looking for information she didn't have so he could update the rest of the team – he's still working his way out of sedation after his second exploratory procedure, tying up loose ends now that the emergency had settled into the background and that was all the information she had. The team had to fly out for a case and while working from a hospital room wasn't ideal, Penelope was glad to accept the job. Play spy for Derek who was no longer welcome in the room...she'd seen it coming, just didn't get there in time to save them. Her words had fallen on deaf ears.
The room feels colder than usual when he does finally open his eyes. Disorientation is the worst of it, he wants to ask for his phone, ask to call Derek and for a minute he tries before he's shot back to reality – he and Derek weren't he and Derek anymore.
“Sir?” Penelope asks softly, leaning forward. “Sir?”
“Mmm...m' awake...” he mumbles, but he's not really sure it's the truth. In and out of anything that even vaguely resembles awake, he's not wearing glasses or contacts, can barely make out the shape of her but he can see her halo of golden curls and the brightly colored dress she wears and it's enough to bring him some comfort. He doesn't want to see anyway, doesn't care about much of anything now. He listens to her take a call from Dave, run through some case details and he tries to focus on that – something unrelated to the hell that has become his own life, but he can't make sense of it and that's the worst part. This is his team and he can't do anything.
He's lost his family and his identity in one fell swoop.
By the time he walks through his front door, the reality of how alone he is has settled in. It weighs on him in the silence, in the dusty boxes he still hadn't unpacked after the divorce, in Jack's untouched room. Legos on the floor that he's afraid to move, crayons scattered over the top of his nightstand with a drawing of Iron Man half finished. His bed isn't made, they'd run out of time as they rushed out the door on the way to school and he could smell Jack in there.
His green apple shampoo, the scented markers whose lids were left off too long and were now just crusted, dried relics. The silence is deafening and he is barely willing to drag himself from his bed to the couch most days. The pain is terrible but he's not thinking too much about that, not yet. He's still got a supply of pain medication coursing through him, he knows that's on its way out too. He'll feel it all soon enough.
“You have to leave me alone,” he grunts at Emily who is busying herself with some menial task that didn't need doing just to keep an eye on him. They're all grasping at straws, finding reasons to drop by after work, before work, on lunch break. Everyone but Derek. “Stop coming here.”
“No. I'm coming every day, if you don't want me here you stop answering the door.”
She hadn't really meant it, figured there was no way he'd take that bait but he did, and he stopped opening the door. Kept it locked. He became focused only on returning to work and catching Foyet, couldn't afford the distractions the team offered in the way of caring for him.
Derek has a key though, and he refuses to just let Aaron fade away. He's invested too much of his life into this man. As long as Dave and Emily and JJ were allowed in, were keeping tabs, he was willing to keep his distance but the minute that door closed...
He walks in to find him nursing a bloody nose at the kitchen table, he's pale, there's dried blood beneath his fingernails and smeared beside his ear. “'M fine...” he mumbles with cotton shoved in his nose, but by the looks of things, he's definitely not. He doesn't even say hello, just goes on the defensive.
“How long has this been going on?” Aaron doesn't look at him when he says it started in the middle of the night, that he's been awake since around 1am trying to get it to stop. He keeps his eyes focused on the table when Derek sighs and lectures him about the blood thinners they have him on, as if he doesn't already know.
“It's being handled,” he grunts, ready for an argument. He's sharper than he should be. A quiet accusation passes between them. “I have an appointment at 3.”
“It's 9:30am and you're not cleared to drive...”
Aaron glares, and under normal circumstances it might be bone chilling but he's got blood soaked puffs of cotton hanging from his nostrils and bags under his eyes, he's wearing one of Derek's ratty old sweatshirts and he find it in him to be even a little intimidated. “Jessica is driving me.”
“She lives on the other side of town, why didn't you call me?” He knows why, but he wants to challenge it. He's still reeling, full of disbelief. He belongs here and he knows it, they both do, navigating these waters isn't something either of them wants to do. Derek is just holding on for dear life while Aaron is doing his best to forget what he's lost. Without an answer, Derek moves to change out the soaked cotton balls and is shocked at the amount of blood that flows when the old ones are removed. It's unlike anything he's ever seen, and he likes to think he's got nerves of steel but it's a little extreme even for him. Aaron groans and shoves his palm into place, something he's been doing for hours now between dressing changes, hoping one of the times would find that the blood had ceased. There is a smear of blood up his wrist, pale pink and crimson, he'd attempted to clean it but there was just so little he could do.
“You need to go to the ER,” Derek demands, trying desperately to catch some of the blood with a hand towel pulled from the drawer, it would be ruined in only a few moments. Aaron chokes out some lame excuse about it not being a real emergency, the air is just too dry, he always gets nose bleeds in winter. “I know you do, but this is the first time you've been on blood thinners...you want to bleed to death because of dry air? You survived a run in with a serial killer just to let dry air take you out?” He can't argue, it isn't stopping and his appointment is still hours away. Conceding to let Derek drive him, he fights the entire way about whether or not Derek should wait with him, but Derek doesn't say a word. He's just sitting silent letting Aaron complain the trip away before he walks into the lobby and takes a seat, waiting for Aaron to get his paperwork under control. They give Derek handfuls of absorbent things and a bucket, he has no idea what any of it is but they assure him it'll help and show him what to do. It's a three hour wait in the lobby, time enough to make multiple trips to the bathroom for actual washing when things get out of hand, and Aaron is about at his wits end. It's been going on too long, he's lightheaded and angry and this is too much time to sit and stew over the state of things between them.
It's not like Aaron doesn't want him there. He's never had a nose bleed this bad or this long and he is scared, but he's also looking over his shoulder at every turn expecting to feel Foyet's eyes on him and that takes precedence over how he's feeling, how he wants to fall into Derek's arms and tell him he's scared. He's sitting in the corner, back to the wall, able to survey the entire lobby and all hallways. One doctor wants to back him off of his blood thinners, another says under no circumstances should he do that, they tell him to flush with saline and run humidifiers and keep vaseline in his nose but they don't do anything to fix the problem and he leaves worried it'll happen again. “You need to go right to the ER if it happens again, don't wait,” they tell him and Derek glares. It says I told you so, and Aaron stares at the doctor in disbelief. Because Derek is pushy, they change his bandages for him just to make sure everything looks good, he doesn't trust Aaron to care for himself the way he should. “Everything looks great, no sign of infection,” they tell him and Derek thinks he sees a flicker of a smile on Aaron's face but he doesn't look, won't give him the satisfaction.
The last of the pain medication he was sent home with wears off entirely within days, and he isn't taking his new prescription. It sits on the counter, still stapled inside the white paper bag. There isn't even a little temptation, he's tired of feeling sluggish, barely awake, unaware of day or night. He can't focus on Foyet if he's not sharp, and sharp comes with the pain.
“Shit,” he says, dragging his shoulder along the wall for support. A week in the hospital in enough pain that morphine didn't touch it all and yet he left with a body that craved the stuff. “Shit.” It was more a breath than a word as he slid further down the wall, unable to keep himself upright. Sure the wall was nice for support but it didn't do much when his legs gave out.
Hours, minutes, seconds. He was losing a lot of time to black outs, but he wasn't hurt this time. Not really, not worse than he'd started. Soft landing, slow collapse, more like a curtain falling to the ground in a rumpled heap than a real fall. He blinked himself awake against the pounding in his head and wondered at how he got here. Not here against the wall, but here at all – nine holes in his abdomen that wouldn't stop bleeding and no one around to drag him upright, no one to look for infection, no one to help.
Alone. He feels Derek's hands on him, lifting him, but it's not real. Just wishful thinking. Time travel is an interesting concept, he'd like to talk with Spencer about it sometime. If you could go back in time, where would you go? He knew Spencer wouldn't have an answer, or maybe he'd have too many, he figured he should call Spencer and check up on him, see how he was healing. Nothing seemed right. He clawed his way upright, pulled up on the wall himself, blood from the t-shirt smearing against the pale yellow paint.
Hallucinations are part of the withdrawal process. He knew it, mostly, but sometimes it just felt so real and he was so fucking angry that he had to endure this on top of everything else. Derek's hands, the warm calloused fingers gripping him just a little too rough, forcing him upright when he just wants to lay down. No you don't, he'd say. Don't you give up on me.
He could call Derek, he knows he could. End the madness, beg for forgiveness, plead for him to come back. He considers it for half a second longer than he should, but he calls Emily. He has no idea why it's her number he dials, but he does and she brings Dave. He hates that she brings Dave because the way he looks at him...it hurts. Such sadness in his eyes, such bitter disappointment.
“Have you called your doctor?” Dave asks as Emily ushers him to the couch, eases his trembling body down and folds him into place. He's too long for the blanket she chooses, it isn't his favorite blanket but she doesn't know that. Derek would know that. He would tell her.
“Don't call them,” he mutters, wrapping his shivering body tight in the blanket. The shivering means cold, he knows that, but he doesn't really feel...cold. Not his temperature anyway, but maybe his insides. They did this to me, he wants to say but it sounds so dramatic so he bites his tongue until it bleeds. Or he thinks it does anyway...maybe he isn't bleeding anywhere at all. Maybe none of this is real.
“How long has it been since your bandages were changed?” He doesn't know, doesn't really register the voice. It's Emily and Dave mixed together, and he's not even certain either one is really there except Emily's cold hands are on his neck, tugging at a hunk of gauze to peek underneath and he shivers at her touch. Her hands feel real. “Hotch?”
"...hands are like ice..." he complains and she shakes her head incredulously. He might be dying but he could still fling insults at her.
“I'm calling Derek...” Dave says, not because they can't handle things on their own but because Derek simply has experience they don't.
He's too ashamed to explain to them what he'd done, and clearly Derek hadn't shared either.
“No.” He's adamant, that one he's sure of. They're startled by it, but pay it very little mind. “Don't.” Can't let Derek see him like this. Humiliating. Emily and Dave glance at each other, shake their heads and he's pretty sure he hears Dave talking on the phone almost immediately but he's buried inside of his blanket just trying to survive the moment. Some friends they are.
Next Chapter ->
#aaron hotchner#derek morgan#criminal minds#hotchgan#david rossi#fanfiction#hotch whump#penelope garcia#emily prentiss#comfortember 2021#comfortember#day 23 hiding
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kakashi for the ask game <3
(for this ask game) THIS GUY (derogatory)
favorite thing about them
he’s so genuinely sweet. he’s awkward and terrible and has 0 idea to convey emotions genuinely most of the time but when he goes like ^_\ and brings naruto vegetables and carries him on his back no matter if he’s 12 or 16 and he sacrifices himself for his kids like. he’s aloof and awkward and has a lot of issues but he cares. also remember when he straight up let team 7 think he died during land of the waves LOL that was funny.
least favorite thing about them
WHYYYYYY ARE YOU STILL LOYAL TO THE STATE.. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. this pains me to say but gojo had the right idea . kakashi shouldve became a teacher to protect and radicalize the youth... kakashi why r u still a bootlicker what has konoha ever done for you name ONE thing UGHHHHHHhh obito was right
favorite line
theyre sooo sillay*
* in love
brOTP
kakashi and yamato are genuinely so sweet and such good friends they met at a point where they both rly needed each other in different ways and theyve grown from that and theyre both in better positions and best friends and and and i think theyre neat
OTP
nOTP
no actual ill will towards this ship but i just cant like. conceptualize or bring myself to ship kakaobi at all. i like their history theyre so fun and interesting and their dynamic is great but im just like. where is the period where they couldve been in together? ?? i just dont get it, it’s not a ship 4 me
random headcanon
he should have a lazy eye bcos of him constantly covering the sharingan eye.
unpopular opinion
he is not a sex icon he is a depressed 26 year old!! he’s literally that post thats like “how big ur dick?” small, leave me alone
song i associate with them
the execution of all things by rilo kiley ..... a heem heem
favorite picture of them
take ur pick. he’s a funny guy, that kakashi!
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since someone already said faity, how about buffy summers ?
buffy summers my beloved ! :')
Favorite thing about them : She is literally THE funniest character ever. RIP to all the vampires she slayed in cemetaries who didn't laugh at her jokes but I'm different. There are of course a lot more things I love about her and I could probably talk about her all day so to make it shorter and simpler : I love how human she is !
Least Favorite thing about them : Idk if I can really say it's my least favorite thing about her (just like what I said about faith for this question), it's more like flaws which make me sad for her... Poor girl just needs to know that she deserves happiness and doesn't need to take it all on herself all the time...
Favorite line : every single one of them "Well, you were mythtaken ! :)"
brOTP : Her and the original scoobies mean the world to me actually :') Their relationships are so complicated and painful at times, but there is always so much love between them and it hurts my heart a little tbh. They are just teenagers and their failed father figure trying to fight "the forces of evil" while living their (sometimes very fucked up) lives !
OTP : I already ranted about fuffy in my faith post so I'll make it short here vezffldfrk- But basically they are my whole life, and I care very very deeply about these two and their relationship ;_; <3
nOTP : I don't like ships including people from the og scoobies with her tbh. Giles for obvious reasons and Willow and Xander because I really really love their platonic relationship and I find it so heartwarming ! (Also there's another ship but we won't get into that because many of my mutuals, whom I love dearly, like it and I understand the people who like the ship so yknow- there's no need to really talk about it)
Random headcanon : She never got her driver's licence. She failed everytime and no one accepts her now because she has this reputation that she either will kill you with her insane driving or weird shit will start happening around the car (like fucked up creatures coming and all that)
Unpopular opinion : Tbh I don't really know what the popular opinions are on btvs because I mostly stay in a lil' corner of the fandom where the only takes I see (on buffy at least) are from my very sexy and correct mutuals-
Song I associate with them : Same as for the two other character asks before, I have a ton of songs I associate with her that's why I have a whole playlist for buffy but here are some : A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley and I bet on losing dogs by Mitski (and for fuffy My Best Dress by Florence + The Machine >:D)
Favorite picture of them :
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Anne for the ask game!
favorite thing about them
i LOVE her personality! its complex - she's easy going but still very believable! and her character growth is so cool to watch
least favorite thing about them
i don't... really have a least favorite thing about her, i love her sm. i guess maybe how impressionable/easy she is to sway could be seen as a negative character trait but she's grown a lot in that area throughout the show and i can relate anyway shrug
favorite line
i wouldn't say its my FAVORITE (bc i cant remember any of her other lines rn) but something that really stuck with me was her monologue to sprig in one of the first episodes where she talks about how being a good friend means that you do whatever they ask or else they won't stay friends with you. that hit me hard lol
brOTP
spranne against the world!!!!
OTP
sashannarcy!!! but i really love marcanne as well. sashanne is good too but marcanne and sashannarcy my beloved 💜
nOTP
anne with literally anyone else but sasha and or marcy i guess
random headcanon
one of my favorite anne hcs is that she has lasting damage from her arm being broken in season one. its So Important To Me...
unpopular opinion
don't got one???? uhh
song i associate with them
ive got two favorites: mowgli's road by marina and all the good that won't come out by rilo kiley!
favorite picture of them
the vibes are So Gremlin 😌
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Rules: Tag 10 people who you want to know better/catch up with and then answer these questions.
I was tagged by @lucy-hp
3 ships: I’m gonna stick to Gundam Wing because it’s far and away my favorite fandom. 1x2 (Heero/Duo), my OTP back in the day and still my favorite; 1x2x5 (Heero/Duo/Wufei), my favorite triad; and 9xS (Noin/Sally), my favorite lesbians.
Last song I listened to: Hard to tell because I listen to a playlist to fall asleep and I don’t remember which was the last one I was awake for. I know for sure I listened to “Better Son/Daughter” by Rilo Kiley, though. Bipolar representation ftw! (I don’t know if that’s what was intended but boy howdy does it capture my experience practically to a T)
Currently watching: Doing a rewatch of Cowboy Bebop, 15 years later. It’s been long enough that I’ve forgotten pretty much everything, but Ed is still my favorite.
Currently craving: Cadbury Cream Eggs. I live for the Spring when those are finally available in stores again.
Tagging: @lemontrash, @kangofu-cb, @timelordnomad, @seitou, @offspringchick29, @lifeaftermeteor, @incapableofgivingup and anyone else who wants to play!
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ellie (tlou) for that character ask 👀 !!
oooo ty for sending one in cait!! hope ur day is going well!!
favorite thing about them: s obs,, if everything isn’t an option then i would probably say her bravery, i really do admire it
least favorite thing about them: UHHH this technically doesn’t count because it’s the player’s choice but that one dog,,,,, iykyk
favorite line: probably “i was supposed to die in that hospital, my life would have mattered, but you fucking took that from me”
brotp: this might be a controversial opinion but jesse,,, let them be buds it’s all i ask (if we’re talking dadtp than i would say joel)
otp: my brain is refusing to let me pick between dina and riley since i’ve been rereading american dreams about once a day
notp: adults
random headcanon: she doodles on dina’s arm when she can’t sleep :((((
unpopular opinion: her actions in p2 (aka killing a buncha people) weren’t justified, but do make sense for someone who’s been through what she has
song i associate with them: i have a big ol playlist so this was tricky but the absence of god by rilo kiley
favorite picture of them:
gay bookstore in seattle WOOO
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Under Pressure // Kendall x Riley // Big Time Rush
Summary – Kendall is stressed and under a lot of pressure and only one person can really understand how he feels, especially when it has to do with his father.
A/N: I’ve done something like this before but this one-shot hit me after reading a post about Kendall on tumblr and wouldn’t let me go until I finished writing it. So, in essence, this is a character study on Kendall, lol.
Set during 2x11 – Big Time Songwriters (though it just mentions it more than it being a plot point).
Words: 3069
TW: mentions of child abuse, deadbeat dad, neglect, parentification, parent death
Tightness stretched across Kendall’s shoulders, increasing as the seconds passed. So much so that he stopped to wiggle and stretch them every few steps. Nothing was making the boulders of his muscles melt away. And it probably wouldn’t until peace returned to him and that wouldn’t happen until his father left Los Angeles.
In the meantime, everything was fine.
He was fine.
He was fine.
He was so fine.
He was so not fine.
Kendall turned away from the mirror, pressing his hands into the sides of his head. He paced across the floor of the costume closet, hearing the distant sound of Gustavo’s screams. The screams only slightly accompanied by off-key notes slammed on a piano.
Not a good song writing day, if Kendall had to guess. Not that he even had to guess. The look on Kelly’s face when he arrived at Rocque Records that day was clear enough. The twitching of her eye only stopped long enough for her to ask, “What are you doing here? You’re not scheduled until tomorrow.”
“I just wanted to…” Kendall briefly closed his eyes. Thought hard for an excuse. He opened his eyes and glanced at the empty practice rooms nearby. “Get some guitar practice in. You know…” he blinked hard, forced a smile that was seconds from breaking. “See if we can spruce up the ‘Oh Yeah’ song.”
“Okay…” Kelly gazed at Kendall. Who wasn’t blinking as he continued to smile at her. “Stop it. That’s creepy.” Kendall dropped his smile. Kelly looked him up and down for a minute. “So long as you don’t destroy the place like you did when you and the boys were writing. Everything’s still getting patched up.”
Kendall nodded and backed away from Kelly, heading towards the practice room, stepping over the broken pieces of furniture and poster sized photos of Rocque Records bands that had been ripped off the walls, wincing as he did so. (And that was nothing compared to the wince that went across his and his friends’ faces when they say the bald patch in the back of his head after he’d ripped out the hair extensions he’d put in when dressed as a viking that day).
After a few steps, Kendall turned back as if he’d only just though tof something. “Hey, uh, do you know if Riley’s here?” He ignored the knowing smile that stretched across Kelly’s face before following her head tilt toward the costume closet. “Just…you know…Gustavo’s asking about the outfits for our videos so I thought I’d…y’know…check on it.”
“Uh-huh.”
So there he was, pacing, pacing, pacing, trying not to look at himself in the mirror. Because if he looked in the mirror, he wasn’t going to see himself, he was going to see him. The man who—unfortunately—had given him half his genes and DNA. The same man he had just seen not even an hour before and Kendall barely managed to get through that conversation without his brain exploding from the pressure of keeping his mouth shut.
He hadn’t been that angry since the all-out war he and the boys had when writing their song. But that was even worse; that was a song that needed to be written so it could go on the deluxe album per Griffin’s wishes. And even then, it was even more pressure because they were writing their first song to prove a point to Gustavo and they needed to like it so he would like it so Griffin would like it so that the fans and critics would like it and…
Kendall’s temples throbbed at the mere thought.
If things didn’t go well with the song, then they wouldn’t go well with the band, then all of that time they spent going to LA would’ve been…a catastrophic failure. Which would mean…everything in his life would’ve ended in abysmal failure.
His parents’ marriage? Ruined when his father became a professional hockey player and enjoyed that life more than being a family man. (Where he may or may not have cheated on his mom, Kendall still didn’t know for sure.). He ended up being the “man of the house” at a young age. Had to be the one in charge of anything and everything when his mom wasn’t there. Had to be another parent when he didn’t even truly know what being a parent was.
His mom? Worked as a waitress in a diner just to be able to afford groceries, rent, Kendall’s hockey and Katie’s lacrosse. She worked almost all day every day and he could barely remember when she got a full day off. Sometimes, Kendall wondered if his mom knew how to be a person again. Not a mom. Not a provider. But a person.
Katie? He walked her to and from the school bus every day, made sure she got into the house okay, consistently called in and checked on her while she was there. Took her to his hockey practices when he had no choice but to go and he watched her quietly sit in the stands, bundled up against the cold, sometimes falling asleep on the bleachers. (She got to know the staff at the arena very well, they were her first victims of poker playing).
His friends? They were always going to be by his side. He couldn’t remember the last time he wans’t. If they got detention he was either coming up with a plan to get them out of it or get him in it just so they could hang out. Anyone who dared tried to say anything bad about them (saying James had no talent, that Logan was a wimp, that Carlos was crazy) was met with potential death. The amount of times he’d gotten into fights with guys who tried to bully Logan or with bigger goons on the ice trying to smash James’s face in was enough to give him the nickname “Killer” early in his hockey career. He was nothing without his friends. So much so that even when James was mad about him getting the deal to go to LA to make music Kendall couldn’t imagine not having them with him.
Him? He had to take care of the cooking and housekeeping while his mom worked late into the night. Where he still had to do his homework, study for tests, worked as the captain of the hockey team, hung out and got in trouble with his friends, and keep his job at the grocery store. All the while he kept a smile on his face. He was loyal, compassionate, friendly, kind, caring, smart, and loyal to everyone around him. The people he loved and cared about. He helped Mrs. Magicowski with her yardwork when the time came, bringing her home some groceries when he was able to get some from the store. Giving up multiple areas of his life, growing up fast so that he could make his life a little bit easier for his mom and sister.
Any of that becoming pointless, becoming useless, becoming not worth it…was not a reality he wanted to live. And if that all came crashing down because he couldn’t get his fucking father’s face out of his head…he’d never forgive him.
Not that he ever would anyway.
The more he looked himself in the mirror, the more he saw his father’s face in his own. It was all he could do to keep from smashing himself in the face with a hockey stick just to knock his father’s teeth out. The idea made him smile in that way that had multiple people telling him, “Stop it, it’s creepy” more than enough times that day.
“What are you doing here, Hockey-Head? Aren’t you supposed to be meeting your dad?” Riley’s voice made Kendall turn. She moved into the costume closet, closing the door with her foot as she carefully maneuvered a surfboard through the door. She set the board on the wall and brushed her wet hair behind her shoulders. “You’re not going to tell Kelly and Gustavo I skivved off, yeah?”
Kendall smiled softly. “No, I won’t tell them.”
“Ace.” Riley peered at him closely then moved to sit on the arm of the couch. “I reckon you being here means your meeting with your dad didn’t go well.” She looped her arms around her upraised knees as he collapsed onto the couch next to her.
“Understatement of the century,” he replied. He flopped back, draping his arm over his face. Let out a heavy sigh, the weight on his shoulders only given a slight reprieve while lying down. “I could hardly stand looking at him.”
He could hear Riley hum softly. “What’d he say?”
“That he was happy to see me,” Kendall replied. He dropped his arm from his face, resting his hands on his stomach as he stared at the ceiling. Alternated looking at Riley then back to the ceiling once more. “That he was glad I took the time to meet with him. That I looked like I was doing well. He wanted to know everything about me.”
A bitter laugh ripped from his throat, as if it had been waiting in the wings for the right moment to strike. The harshness of his laugh, he saw, made Riley jump. She blinked over at him, eyebrows coming together in concern.
“My own dad wanted to know everything about me, like I was some random kid he’d just met for the first time.” The reality of the thought, sobering, settled right into Kendall’s gut. His voice was soft when he repeated himself. “To him I’m some random kid he’d just met for the first time.” Even quieter when he added, “He didn’t even apologize.”
“What do you want him to apologize for?” Riley asked. For a moment, Kendall shot her a ‘are you serious?’ look. The tension in his shoulders moved to his head, started to throb with his heart beat. She simply blinked back at him, blue eyes big and round as she gazed back at him, chin then resting on her knees.
“He couldn’t apologize for leaving,” Kendall said. “I gave him so many chances…and he couldn’t even mention how he’s been gone. He just kept asking me questions, things he would know if he was around. He couldn’t even remember how old Katie is!”
An even stronger throb of pressure.
Kendall clenched his teeth together, working to keep from exploding.
“He acted like he’d always been there and just forgot some things. Like we’d always been in LA, he kept talking about places to and things to see as if being out here was normal.” Kendall’s eyebrows came together when it hit him. “It’s normal to him. Because he’s been out here. He’s lived a life of luxury while we’ve been in Minnesota struggling to make rent every day. He’s been living the life anyone would ever dream of while mom was working from sunup to sundown and barely got a day off. And he was out here while Katie was the only girl in her class who didn’t have a dad to go to the ‘Daddy-daughter’ dance at school, so I had to take her!”
“Kendall—”
“And Mom had to deal with all the whispers and rumors of the other hockey moms. And she had to deal with a crappy boss at the diner just to take care of us. And taking me to my hockey practices and hockey games! And she wouldn’t let me quit them to work more to help her! All the while he was living in the lap of luxury as if he had no family to come home to.” He lurched to his feet, hands slamming into clenched fists. “I hate him!”
Lift off.
“I hate him for what he did to you!” Fury couldn’t describe the emotion that flashed over Kendall’s face. Swirled through his eyes. Riley watched him violently place; eyes wide as she slowly stood from the arm of the couch. “How he stood up there and made it so that the guy that abused you for years practically got off scott free. He stood there and told a judge that you guys were practically the reason for Robert to torture you all for so long and work you to the bone for your career just so he could make money!”
“—Kendall.”
Kendall turned to look Riley in the eye. “I hate that everyone knows what he did. That he knows you all didn’t deserve it and still tried to make it look like you were to blame. How he made other people think Robert was just an innocent man who was stressed and worked out his stress in a bad way. I hate that he did the same thing to you that…” Kendall trailed off.
Riley took in a deep breath then bluntly said, “That’s not what’s bothering you.”
Kendall’s hands clenched once more, twisting in the air, as if he were wringing the neck of a hockey stick. Seconds away from taking it and slamming it over his knee. The thought made him smirk a little, wondering what his dad would think if they ever came up against each other in a hockey game. He wasn’t called “Killer” for nothing. Then again, his dad wasn’t called “Knuckles” for nothing either.
“What do you want me to say?” Kendall demanded.
“The truth!” Riley shot back. “How you’re really feeling! You fucking hate him; I know you do. But you don’t hate him for us, you hate him for you!” She jabbed him in the chest with her fingertip. “I hate him for what he did to you and Katie. And I don’t even know him! You’re his son and he did that to you! With Rob…your dad was just doing his job. But for you…he wasn’t doing his job as a dad.”
Kendall dropped his hands back to his sides, then folded his arms. He was silent for a long moment. “Do you want to hear how I got tired of hearing my mom cry every night? When she thought Katie and I couldn’t hear her? Where I saw her stressing out over bills and charges? Where I thought about dropping out of hockey because I knew how expensive it was? How I had to live up to his name over and over because it was all people wanted to talk about? How I always had to hear ‘you’re just like your father?’ and cringe inside? How much I don’t like to look in the mirror because I look like him? How I often wonder if my mannerisms are his or if they’re mine? How I hate how angry I am at him and that I hate how everything Gustavo’s ever said to me just reminds me of him? How, as much as I hate him, there’s a tiny part of me that wonders if this time…” he trailed off, his voice cracking badly, the pressure lessening. “If this time is the time he decides to stay? And I have to act like…like none of that happened? And I have to pretend like nothing’s wrong if he leaves again?
“ I don’t…I can’t…” Kendall brought his hands up to the sides of his head, grasped his hair. His chest heaved, tears trickling over his cheeks. “I can’t take the pressure.” He sank to the floor and pressed his face into his hands. Hated that he was crying and equally hating it was his dad that was making him do it.
He slid to the floor, bringing up his legs and hid his face behind his arms. Allowed the tears to flow as long as they would go. He felt Riley sit down next to him before she put her arm around his shoulders, resting her head against his.
They sat that way for a long time. He had no idea how long. All he could focus was on the throbbing in his back and shoulders that slowly ebbed away with each pulse of his heart. Starting off strong then simmered. A gesture like that, one that his mother usually would give him, would’ve sent him running. (More likely to the hockey rink, where he would’ve done laps until he was dripping with sweat and exhausted). But he simply collapsed into Riley’s shoulder, resting his head under her chin, in the crook of her neck.
“You’re lucky,” Kendall murmured. “Your parents are dead. They can’t let you down.”
Riley’s voice was flat. “Yeah, not being able to have them at any of our milestones…let alone to meet you…I have no idea what being let down means.”
Kendall sucked in a sharp breath, briefly closing his eyes. Was almost too ashamed to open his eyes again, afraid of the ferocity of the anger she’d deserve to throw his way if she wanted. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean--”
She raised her hand, cutting him off. Not out of anger, but compassion. A tearful compassion that showed she completely understood what he meant and didn’t hate him for it. “Don’t be sorry, Hockey-Head,” she said. “This isn’t about me.”
“I don’t want him in my life.”
“You don’t have to want him in your life. Not just because he’s your dad. Just keep the people you want around.” With the hand by his head, she tapped him on the side of the head. “You’re in control of your life and who’s in it, Kendork.” He chuckled, lightly rolling his eyes at the use of one of her many nicknames for him. “Don’t give anyone else that power.”
Kendall nodded.
He brought up his hand and grasped hers, squeezing it.
His shoulders slumped.
The pain went away.
Relief.
He was fine.
Kendall lifted his head and looked at her. “How did you do that?” He asked.
Riley smiled.
Tag List: @partiallypearl @witchofinterest @mystic-scripture @darknightfrombeyond @arrthurpendragon
#big time rush#big time rush oc#btr#kendall knight#oc: riley jackson#fc: kaya scodelario#tw: child abuse#tw: deadbeat dad#tw: neglect#tw: parentification#tw: parent death#by: riley#this idea wouldn't leave me alone#hope you liked a little bit of kiley fluff#kiley#otp; kiley#otp: knight light#otp: hockey head and surfer babe
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Thanks for the tag @adventuresofmeghatron ! I know I’ve missed a lot of tags recently because LIFE, but I just got finished doing some packing and saw this so here I am!
Rules: Tag 9 people who you want to know better/catch up with and then answers these questions.
I know this is cheating, but since I haven’t been keeping up with Tumblr like I usually do, I tag anyone who’s new to following me and would like to come say hi. I’ll also tag any of my longtime mutuals who I haven’t talked to in a while (ily <3)
Three ships in any order:
Nathaniel Howe x Cousland, my ultimate OTP (Dragon Age)
Preston Garvey x Sole Survivor, my newest OTP (Fallout 4)
Alistair x Amell, my first OTP (Dragon Age)
Last song: Cowboy Take Me Away, Dixie Chicks XD
Last movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. I occasionally have wild ideas about crossovers and AUs and it always ends up with me rewatching Pirates and casting my faves as the characters. Who doeson’t want a Hancock Jack Sparrow. WHOMST?
Currently reading: Actually just finished reading “Such A Fun Age” by Kiley Reid and I haven’t figured out what I’m going to read next.
Currently watching: Nothing in particular!
Currently consuming: Uhh... I’m drinking a sparkling black cherry water??
Food I’m craving right now: I’d love a giant bowl of Lucky Charms. I might just die and go to cereal heaven.
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OTP Qs +Dorito
who is more likely to bring home a stray animal
They both are, but Mari is definitely the most likely. Misty and Nora are enough for them but if they were to see a stray that needed help, neither of them would be able to say no.
who puts their cold hands/feet on the other
Kiley is a human icicle. Even when they’re in California, her hands and feet are somehow still blocks of ice and Mari is always so warm. Sometimes Kiley puts them on Mari to make her jump, but most times it’s just a means to get extra cuddle time.
who would use more nicknames for the other
They still call each other Prim and Lake.
who worries more about the other
It’s probably safe to say that with Kiley’s depression, Mari worries about her more. She mostly has it under control but every now and then, she’ll have a bad depressive episode and it hits hard. Mari is good at helping Kiley through it, though. She makes sure she’s eating (and that she’s not solely eating JT ramen), she’ll hold her, and she’ll do anything to give Kiley a distraction from the depression. Be it hiking, baking, watching Netflix, or telling her every single detail and fact about every plant she owns.
who stays up later
If Mari’s had a coffee, then Mari. If Kiley is binge watching a show and can’t stop, then Kiley. Otherwise they mostly go bed at a similar time.
who has a weird hobby that the other teases them for
Mari teases Kiley endlessly for writing fanfiction and fixing all the mistakes her favorite shows have made, but she’s also always the first person to read them. Kiley teases Mari for talking to her plants all the time and having full on conversations with them.
who is more likely to accidentally lock themself out of the house
Probably Mari, or Kiley on a bad day.
who would slide down the hall in their socks
Mari 100% would. And she’d drag Kiley into joining her.
who likes hot weather and who likes cold weather
They both prefer warmer weather. They're both outdoorsy people and the outdoors isn’t as fun when it’s freezing cold.
who likes weirder food combinations
Despite Mari being far more adventurous when it comes to food, Kiley likes the weirdest combinations. She’ll put two things together that shouldn’t go together, like a pb&j and pickles, and think it’s delicious, whilst Mari’s watching her in horror.
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OTP Playlist
I was tagged by @procession-of-blades to make a Daine/Canach playlist and I thought it’d be fun since I already have a few songs in mind that fit them!
The relationship tl;dr is that Daine was already nearing a breakdown from the stress of being Commander when she was killed by Balthazar, and when Canach found her crying and unable to sleep the night after she was resurrected, he offered to, uh. Exhaust her to sleep, to put it politely. She accepted and they became friends with benefits for a while until it slowly dawned on them that there were emotions involved. And that it was mutual.
Neither of them is particularly romantic in a traditional sense, so it takes them a while to move on to basic relationship steps like “informing their friends” and “going on a date.” Many people would look at them and peg them (heh) as close friends rather than a couple, but it does run romantic even if they don’t often say it overtly. And they’re an unexpectedly stabilizing force on each other emotionally, as well.
Tagging @pyreo @redwoodrroad @disaster-bi-canach if interested and anyone else that wants to, since most people I know have already been tagged!
Listen to the playlist here on Spotify or here on Youtube. Song list/lyric snippets under the cut!
Fighters - Kris Allen
You say that this life's wearing you out
And you need something to live for
I know what you're talkin' bout
Screaming out loud
Top of your lungs
And I bet they're not even listening
I know what you're talkin' 'bout
Hurricane - Panic! At The Disco
Are you worth your weight in gold?
Cause you're behind my eyelids when I'm all alone
Hey, stranger, I want you to catch me like a cold
You and god both got the guns, when you shoot I think I'd duck
I led the revolution in my bedroom and I set all the zippers free
We said, "No more war, no more clothes!
Give me peace
Oh kiss me!
Portions For Foxes - Rilo Kiley
I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"
And you're bad news
I don't care i like you
I like you
Irresistible - Temposhark
I’m shameless, you’re outrageous
Uh oh we can’t say no
Strange love on new foundations
Now I know we’re good to go
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
This thing called love
I just can't handle it
This thing called love
I must get round to it
I ain't ready
Crazy little thing called love
A Sight To Behold - Eisley
Could I be possibly insane
To think you and I have life figured out
And how does one approach this
When all our past loves have let us down
Let's break the walls down
And find how to live
'Cause you and I have
So much to give
Write It In The Sky - Kina Grannis
Pull close
Perfect August night
The sky was on fire
The wind held us tight
And you told me the words
you've been holding inside
Oh love write it in the sky
Oh love write it in the sky
Ironically, Kina Grannis is the closest I have to a faceclaim of what Daine would look like in a world where I could actually portray her mixed Canthan ancestry in-game.
#commander#pact commander#canach#daine#commandach#🌵 Character Development Via Enthusiastic Cactus Rawing 🌵
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NCIS: Los Angeles Season Ten Rewatch: "The Patton Project"
The basics: The Patton Project is back as the team works with a familiar face and unfamiliar orders as an assassination squad.
Written by: Frank Military, which makes sense since Military’s “The Silo” introduced The Patton Project. Frank Military wrote/co-wrote “Little Angels”, “Deliverance”, “Lockup”, “The Job”, “Greed”, “Betrayal”, “Crimeleon”, “Vengeance”, “Out of the Past” Part One, “Rude Awakenings” Part Two, “Descent”, “Ascension”, “Allegiance”, “Spoils of War” (which he directed), “Black Budget”, SEAL Hunter”, “Rage” (which he directed), “Unspoken”, “Unlocked Mind”, “Revenge Deferred”, “The Seventh Child”, “Crazy Train”, “Uncaged” (which he directed), “The Silo”, “Monster”, “Line in the Sand” (which he directed) and "To Live and Die in Mexico” (which he directed).
Directed by: Ruba Nadda, who directed “Under Siege”, “Golden Days” and “All is Bright”.
Guest stars of note: Max Martini is back from "Asesinos" as NCIS Agent Arlo Turk. Three episodes in a row for Esaí Morales as NCIS Deputy Director Louis Ochoa. T.J. Ramini is back from "Home is Where the Heart Is" as Tobin Shaked. Kate Lacey-Kiley as the non-Rose Medical Examiner Amy Shuler in “Vengeance” and “Out of the Past” Mary-Bonner Baker as Amanda Kelby, Joni Bovill as TSA Agent, Dalila Ali Rajah as Bored TSA Agent and Janet Song as Female TSA Agent.
Our heroes: Prove that the sequel isn't always as good as the original.
What important things did we learn about:
Callen: Not wearing a recording device.
Sam: Thinks racism isn't working out for the main suspect.
Kensi: Argues the attack planned in "The Silo" is one of the worst terrorist attempts ever.
Deeks: Defends the Constitution to the team.
Eric: Spots Lawford testing TSA.
Nell: Not telling Ochoa about the team going out to arrest Lawford.
Hetty: May have suggested saving the team by making them open to assassin assignments.
What not so important things did we learn about:
Callen: Watching basketball.
Sam: Playing basketball.
Kensi: Taking pictures with a Canon.
Deeks: Skateboarding.
Eric: Rocking the long pants twice.
Nell: Rocking a jumper.
Hetty: Did not save the team by making them open to assassin assignments.
Who's down with OTP: Kensi and Deeks revisit the cut seating arraignments at the wedding conversation from "Line in the Sand" in season nine.
Who's down with BrOTP: Callen and Sam, and really the whole team, are a strong unit throughout.
Any pressing need for Harm and Mac: Someone should have requested a full debrief on the legality of an assassination squad to supplement Deeks's Constitutional questions.
Who is running the team this week? A hat-trick for Ochoa.
Mosley watch: The misadventures in Mexico is the reason the team is up for assassination squad status.
Fashion review: The episode begins with Callen in a blue plaids button down shirt. Sam is in a red henley and his weathered grey leather jacket. Kensi is in a blue-grey striped long-sleeve tee. Deeks has on a burgundy tee-shirt (lots of red on Deeks this season). Dark blue button down shirt for Eric with little cacti and long pants. Nell has a gold jumper over a black blouse with white polka dots and another awful bow.
Later in the episode in the park, Callen is in dark blue shorts and a grey tee-shirt watching Sam in all black – long sleeve tee and shorts – play basketball. Kensi is wearing a dark grey sleeveless top. Deeks is in a pale blue tee and dark wash jeans. Callen and Sam change into a medium blue dress-shirt (Callen) and black henley (Sam) after the park. Eric is wearing a print short-sleeve shirt and long pants. Nell has on a plaid dress with a v-neck in the back.
Music: Them Vibes's "Electric Fever" is playing when the team is in the park.
Any notable cut scene: No.
Quote: Callen: "We spoke to the M.E. who did the postmortem exam on White and we believe that either Shaked or his people interrogated him. And then, during the interrogation, he died."
Deeks: "I'm sorry, what?"
Turk: " He was waterboarded which led to a heart attack."
Deeks: "So Shaked is an assassin who killed men during interrogation. Under whose authorization?"
Callen: "You spoke to him first."
Turk: "To answer your question, uh, it could be any agency. And I think I was brought in to provide a friendly face, put everybody at ease."
Deeks: "Well, I'm sure that's working. Why us?"
Callen: "Ochoa thinks that because of Mexico, we have gained a certain reputation."
Deeks: "Okay, so get us off it."
Kensi: "No, no. Wait a minute. The Patton Project attempted what I consider to be one of the most dangerous terrorist attacks on the United States."
Sam: "They advocate genocide of Muslims worldwide."
Deeks: "I understand that, and there's a-a lot of terrible groups that advocate genocide, but don't we toss the Constitution and our morality out the window."
Kensi: "No. Last time, the Patton Project almost accomplished it. They are not a powerless group."
Sam: "Then we have to ask ourselves are we people who do this?"
Turk: "We back away, they'll find someone else."
Kensi: "Well, then, maybe it's the right thing to do."
Deeks: "And-and we're the ones to determine that? I mean, just to remind you all, we don't make the laws, we enforce them. And as this plays out, we are becoming the judge, the jury…"
Sam: "And executioner."
Callen: "I need to speak to Ochoa"
The best conversation the show has had about where the team draws the line since "Found" in season one.
Anything else: Wearing a visitor's badge, an older man watches a much younger woman join him at a table. The woman is a patient at a mental health facility. The man asks how she is feeling. She is suicidal and not sharing that with the doctors. The man approves. It Is her life to live or not to live. Passing her some meth surreptitiously, the man reminds her that she does not have to be in pain. She is grateful for the illegal drugs.
The man asks if she's thought about their plan – taking a package on a plane. She thinks going out with a bang would "show them." He agrees – everyone would think differently about her. She definitely wants to do it. The man suggests she take Michael with her. She agrees – with her gone, her parents or his father would have custody. The man approves – "you do get priority boarding with a baby." The woman is scheduled to be released from the facility Friday – four days away. The man promises he'll be waiting.
Outside of a two-story building covered with graffiti, Kensi and Deeks are discussing the seating arrangement at the wedding. There are eight seat tables but Mindy, Mandy, Kat and the Tiffanys with their plus ones are ten people. She doesn't want to split them up. Deeks isn't really interested. Then there is Deeks's basketball buddy Kip who he wants next to Kensi's recently divorced friend who doesn't live LA. If there is a love connection, the friend could move west, pleasing Kensi.
Callen and Sam arrive. Ochoa told them to meet a contact – the team is being farmed out but he would not tell them to what agency. A Mercedes SUV pulls up. Tobin Shaked is not overwhelmed by the team's greeting. He lets them know he's still in their debt for saving his daughter's life. Shaked takes them into the graffiti covered building.
While colorful outside, they pass through an all-white room before walking into a large, poorly lit room. Shaked is now working for a covert U.S. agency – won't say which one. Deeks guesses Department of Agriculture. Kensi just wants to know who they are working for. Sam wants to know how Shaked goes from Israeli ex-pat to "someone who can get you four to come to a meeting in the middle of Valencia," Shaked finishes Sam's thoughts. He tells Sam he has skills the U.S. government needs.
Shaked also makes it clear that the team's participation in what he has planned is not optional. Callen wants to know why. With his own large screen, Shaked reviews what happened the previous fall with the Patton Project. They want to attack Muslim countries to cause a genocide. Members of the Patton Project have access to the US's nuclear missiles, to submarines and bombers. The "Powers that Be" are terrified, as the team should be.
Callen asks about their assignment. The team is to track down a member of the Project who likes to meet contacts at Venice beach. Sam asks where did Shaked get the information just as Arlo Turk arrives. The source of the info has gone dark. All they have is Venice Beach. There are 105 potential suspects, all current or former military. Arlo give Callen a thumb drive with the 105 suspects' photos, political affiliations, intercepted suspicious communications and intel of why the suspects are suspects.
Sam asks why not use facial rec software to find possible members at Venice Beach They are going to use both facial rec and the team. The team's presence allows Shaked and his agency to be proactive – not wait for the computers to find someone. Shaked suggests they take the rest of the day to learn to suspect. Callen promises to get back to Shaked.
Walking into Ops, the team asks Eric and Nell about Shaked. Whatever agency has Shaked on staff has buried that fact. His immigration records have him somewhere in Poland, making him a ghost as far as the US government is concerned. Kensi asks about Shaked's Mossad duties. He was part of team doing political assassinations in Iran, Syria, Egypt and now Sam believes in the US. "So we're being forced to work with an assassination team," Deeks says. Callen agrees.
Callen and Sam visit Ochoa, who is in Mosley's office. Turk is with Ochoa. Callen asks if Turk has clearance to be in the office. Dude, you brought Joelle there earlier this season. Mosley had a defense attorney in the building – a guy getting paid by NCIS probably belongs. Callen asks why did the team get the assignment. The SecNav, Ochoa tells him, asked that the team meet with Shaked. The team knew Shaked, the team worked the original Patton Project case.
Sam asks about the type of operation. Ochoa thinks it is self-explanatory. Callen brings up that this is an assassination. Ochoa disagrees – the team is not being asked to kill anyone. No, Sam objects, they're being asked to locate targets, "that makes us complicit." Callen tells Ochoa that is not what the team does. The Mexico misadventures says otherwise, according to Ochoa. They went outside the lines and official Washington saw that. There is a perception that the team is up for this type of operation. Arlo tells Callen and Sam official Washington isn't wrong.
Kensi and Deeks are reviewing photos. He's not very good at this confusing suspects with members of Kensi's family attending the wedding. "Terrorist or relative" is a game they start playing. Deeks is not good at this at all.
With Turk, Callen and Sam arrive in Ops. Eric and Nell went through Shaked's file. Names have been added in recent months which makes sense as more is learned about possible suspects. One person, however, was removed. Permanently. Marine First Sergeant Dean White's cause of death has been redacted. He did not have any special security clearance that would make information about his death top secret.
The ME in charge of White's death is Amy Schuler who has worked with the team in the past. Part of her assignment is classified autopsies for military and CIA. Sam is going to look for more info on Shaked's background. Callen and Turk are off to speak to ME Schuler.
In an empty autopsy room, Schuler wants to have a private chat with Callen and Turk. It is the secure autopsy room – swept for listening devices, shielded against surveillance equipment. Her office and the hallways are not. Telling the men she takes her security clearance seriously, she should not be talking to either of them. But she is, Turk notes. Dean came from a black division of the intelligence agency. What she saw did not sit well with her.
After 9/11, Schuler did autopsies from US black sites. The dead were suspected terrorists. The markings on the dead terrorists' bodies were the same as the ones she saw on Sgt. White. Schuler promises to deny they ever spoke if they leak what she's telling them. White was waterboarded. The stress on his system caused cardiac arrest, leading to his death. Without a history of heart troubles, White was tortured to death.
With the entire team and Turk back in Ops, Eric presses the button that seals the shutters and locks the door. The room is secure. White was part of some extreme political organization. He "spouted" anti-Islamic statements in chat rooms. Callen updates the team on what he and Turk learned from ME Schuler.
Deeks is stunned Shaked is an assassin who killed men during interrogation. "Under whose authorization," Deeks wants to know. Callen turns that over to Turk, who thinks it could be any agency. Deeks wants to know why is the team involved. Callen talks about their newfound reputation.
Deeks wants Callen to get the team out of this assignment. Kensi and Sam disagree. Kensi saw up-close the terrorist attack the Patton Project attempted. Sam talks about genocide against Muslim nations. Deeks agrees – they're awful. So are other groups they've investigated. They don't toss their moral code and the Constitution away. Kensi talks about how close the Patton Project came to achieving their goals. As military (current and retired), they have real power. Sam thinks they need to ask themselves – are they people who can do this? Turk makes it clear, if the team backs out, someone else will do it. Kensi says that maybe it is the right thing to do. Deeks reminds them, they don't make the laws, they enforce them. The team, according to Deeks is now the judge, jury and Sam adds "executioner." Callen wants to talk to Ochoa.
Ochoa is leaving the gym – he's just finished his post-work workout. Callen needs some clarification. Callen believes Shaked's operation is to find Patton Project members and execute them. Ochoa asks if their conversation is off the record. It is. He then asks if Callen is wearing a wire. Callen is offended by the way the conversation is going. Ochoa says he's from Washington, "welcome to my world."
Callen isn't looking to make trouble for Ochoa he wants an accurate idea of the assignment. Ochoa tells Callen his assessment is correct. Callen can't believe the team would be assigned this operation. Ochoa says the assassination end is not exactly part of the official assignment. More just an outcome. "Things like this aren't spelled out," Ochoa tells Callen. Callen can't believe going to Mexico to save a child becomes contract killing assignments. Ochoa thinks it is the consequences of the team being exonerated for their actions in Mexico. Callen never agreed to that deal. Maybe not – maybe Hetty or Kilbride made the deal. The team could be disbanded or used. This may be something the team can't turn down – "think long and hard about how you want to play it," is Ochoa's advice.
The team has spent several days in the park around Venice Beach. Deeks is skateboarding, Callen is watching Sam play basketball. Turk is hanging around with Shaked near the beach. Kensi is taking photos.
Sam eyes a jogger but it isn't a Patton Project member. While the team banters away, Shaked begs them (and God) to stop talking. Kensi spots the man who spoke with the woman in the mental health facility hanging near a hot dog cart. He is speaking to another, much younger man. The older man is Col. Trevor Lawford, US Army, Retired. Kensi describes Lawford's younger friend to the team.
As they all leave their positions to follow Lawford and his friend, Kensi sees Lawford getting on a motorcycle. She moves into a full run as Callen and Sam get into Callen's car. Seeing he's been made, Lawford tells his friend to run and dons his helmet, he's off for a ride. Kensi loses Lawford but Deeks is skateboarding behind the friend fleeing on foot. Deeks, Turk and Shaked chase the man to a building.
Callen and Sam, caught in traffic trying to get Lawford, can make a turn and join the chase with Deeks and the others. The man they're chasing starts climbing the stairs in the building. Following him, Deeks checks the top floor while Turk and Shaked go to the roof. On the roof, Turk and Shaked corner the man. As Callen and Sam get to the building, the man cornered on the roof comes crashing down on the ground. Deeks gets on the roof just in time to see Shaked and Turk looking at the ground.
Back in Shaked's building, he's pleased none of the team or the dead guy's swan dive off the roof was picked up by any security cameras. Turk took the building's security footage before LAPD arrived. Deeks is not happy Shaked and Turk "get away with murder and we're good." Turk says nobody was murdered. Shaked agrees – the man ran off the roof when he was cornered. Kensi asks if Turk is working with Shaked. Turk wants to know if Kensi is asking if he threw a man off the roof. If Kensi isn't asking, Sam is.
Deeks wants to know why Shaked asked for Turk first. Sam adds that maybe Turk suggested the team for this case. Callen doesn't care either way – they're done. Shaked and Turk ask why are they quitting? They found the target, he has a family, lives in Orange County. There is no way out for Lawford. Deeks isn't in for executing a guy, his wife and two kids and walks out. The team is right behind him. Shaked yells that anything the Patton Project does will be on their heads but the team is done.
As they are walking to their vehicles, Eric updates Callen, Sam, Kensi and Deeks on the man who went off the roof. He is Brad Kelby – no military background. Instead, he spent time in the Metropolitan State Hospital, a psychiatric facility. Since his release, he was living with his sister. Everyone hurries to their cars as Eric sends the sister's address.
In a kitchen, Lawford puts a suicide vest on the woman from the hospital. He then picks her infant from the child's bouncer seat. The woman brings the child to her and starts wrapping on the baby carrier.
Callen and Sam arrive just as homicide detectives are leaving the home of Brad Kelby's sister. Agreeing to tell everyone they are done with Shaked's operation, Callen and Sam plan on doing their own investigation. That includes keeping Ochoa out of the loop. If they can arrest Lawford and put him in the system, Shaked can't assassinate him. The team can also question Lawford.
Amanda Kelby welcomes Callen and Sam into her home. Her brother was only released from the hospital three weeks earlier after a battle with depression and paranoia. She said he was getting "really dark." Sam asks about Lawford but Amanda was not familiar with that name. Brad had a new friend, Tyler, who Amanda thought was a bad influence on her brother. Twice, Brad tried to kill himself – "serious attempts," according to his sister. Tyler told Brad that suicide was "a sane act." Brad wanted to kill himself even more but wanting a spectacular death, one that everyone would remember. Amanda weeps.
Returning to the office, Callen and Sam meet with Kensi and Deeks in the gym. Obviously, Trevor Lawford is Tyler and suicide as an act of terrorism is right out of the ISIS playbook. Kensi realizes Kelby may have jumped after all. With Kelby dead, the team doesn't know what his assignment was going to be. "Shaked would say what difference would it make if we kill Lawford," Sam answers. Kensi agrees.
Eric arrives and calls the team to the armory. Using Kaleidoscope, Eric has been tracking Lawford's movement for the last few months. He has been visiting psychiatric hospitals in California, Arizona and Nevada – 53 in total. Lawford has been targeting other patients. That makes sense – he would need a lot of potential candidates to find the right person to use. With Kelby dead, there are others likely ready to step up. Sam thinks they have to bring Lawford in and find out who before Shaked kills Lawford.
Nell arrives. She found Lawford's bike outside a motel in Cerritos. The team is on their way but Nell is not to tell Ochoa. He will tell Shaked and the plan is to bring in Lawford alive. If the government wants to make them a black-ops team, this is how they are going to run things now.
Arriving at the hotel, Callen shows a photo of Lawford to a hotel workman who points out Lawford's room. In the parking lot, Shaked is in a brown van with a window slightly opened, allowing his sniper rifle to have a clear shot. As the team enters Lawford's room, he starts erasing his laptop's hard drive. Deeks pulls out the battery while Kensi cuffs Lawford.
The team march Lawford out of the hotel room. Before Shaked can get off a clean shot – both Callen and Deeks were in the way for a few steps – Turk opens the van door. "Don't even think about it with my team down there," Turk warns with his gun pointed right at Shaked. Shaked is not pleased.
Lawford is in interrogation running down Callen and Sam for working for the Navy but not supporting either the troops or US citizens. Callen asks about the Patton Project but Lawford plays dumb. After Sam explains the mission statement of the Patton Project, Lawford is interested, thinking it would solve a lot of the world's problems.
Kensi and Deeks are watching from the main room in the boat shed when the door opens. Ochoa and Turk arrive with Shaked. Deeks again talks about the secret hide out not being all that secret but I think Shaked was there in season eight (in Deeks’s defense, he may have been with a hospitalized Kensi at the time). Ochoa is annoyed – Shaked is running the operation, he should have been notified when his suspect was arrested. Kensi makes it clear that Lawford was put in the system – everyone has access to him – "complete transparency."
Too much transparency for Shaked who wants to speak to Lawford immediately. Deeks recommends the sign-in sheet but Shaked moves right to the interrogation room. Not surprisingly, Callen and Sam don't vacate interrogation the minute Shaked orders them to. They do leave when Ochoa's name is dropped.
Explaining that Lawford would be charged with treason for his involvement in the Colorado nuclear launch site near-takeover, Shaked wants the names of the other Patton Project members. Lawford calls Shaked's charges absurd and states he is proud to give his life for his country. Shaked asks if Lawford's wife feels the same way. Shaked has a fake recording of Lawford's wife being disappointed the nuclear attack in Colorado failed and had suggestions for how it could work in the future. With a similar call with his 17-year old daughter, Shaked assured Lawford both women will go to jail forever. Lawford has five minutes or his family will be arrested.
Callen tells Shaked that Lawford's lawyers will make sure the fake phone calls will not hold up in court. Shaked's techs tell him it will – the technology is good, they've been working on it for a while. Sam is outraged. Innocent people will be arrested. Shaked thinks once they are in custody they will flip on Lawford. And if they know nothing about what Lawford is planning, Shaked will tell them what to say. Deeks can't believe they are going to force two innocent women to commit perjury. Shaked is also fine with both women being sent to a Supermax prison and having Lawford flip. That even gets Turk's attention.
Lying about locking up loved ones is a tactic used, Deeks tells Shaked, but they don't put innocent people in prison. Shaked pushes the lives that will be saved. Ochoa brings things back to Lawford and who he recruited.
Eric and Nell pop up on the screen. Using Lawford's GPS and cellphone, they know he spent a lot of time going to Hollywood-Burbank airport. Security cameras has him booking flights and testing the security at the airport – looking for gaps in the system according to Nell. He won't use body scanners – always a pat down. He could test to see what TSA Agents are lax in their duties or easily distracted.
With TSA doing pat downs, guns and knives on a plane are out. Plus the person recruited has to know how to use them. Sam thinks explosives, Deeks a biological weapon. Lawford is the only one with answers, Ochoa says. Callen is glad he's not dead, throwing some serious shade at Shaked.
The woman, her baby and her suicide vest are making their way through TSA security at the airport. Not wanting to put the baby through the x-ray machine, she asks for pat down. She gets a quick look from the TSA agent but not a serious security check.
Deeks enters interrogation and swabs Lawford's hands. Lawford handled explosives recently. Shaked wants Ochoa to clear the building, he can have Lawford giving up his accomplice quickly. Callen wants to talk to Lawford first. Sam wants two minutes with Lawford. Sam gets it.
Sam ask Lawford, hypothetically, if wiping out all the Muslim nations would be a good thing. Lawford turns that questions back at Sam who doesn't think it is a good thing, as a Muslim. "Should have guessed," Lawford sneers. Sam says "this racism thing" is working out for Lawford. Lawford says he's more realistic than racism. "You got a lot of blue-eyed, blonde Muslims." In Lawford's view, the world would be safer without Islam so he supports "the power God has given to us" to be unleashed on the world.
Sam returns to the main room. The Patton Project wants to attack Muslim nations. Having someone like Kelby – a white man – blow up a plane does not help that plan. With the Patton Project's military connection, they can access no-fly lists. Explaining that the US government puts people on no-fly lists but some are cleared to return to flying, Ochoa realizes that Lawford found someone the US originally thought was a terrorist but cleared. Lawford puts his person on the flight with the cleared passenger. When the plane explodes, that person is blamed for the act of terror. Eric and Nell start combing thought flight manifests to find a cleared Muslim flyer.
Callen and Sam are on their way back to the office. Shaked is dismissed by Ochoa – something this overt "is not your specialty." Back at the office, Eric and Nell found a dozen former no-fly people booked on flights in the next two weeks. One person is on a plane now that is about to leave for Washington. Ochoa is calling the FBI and DHS to get the flight grounded. Callen and Sam are on their way. Kensi and Deeks are too – they are bringing Lawford.
As the plane is about to depart, the pilot announces there is a slight delay. The airline wants to rescreen the passengers. Sam thinks that's a bad idea – the bomber could set off the explosive while being rescreened or leave the airport. Eric and Nell are checking to see if any passengers have a history with the psychiatric facilities Lawford visited.
Kensi, Deeks and Lawford start walking through the aisles of the plane. The woman with the baby starts fishing around in her handbag. Callen and Sam walk up to the woman. Callen asks if the woman and her child will come with him. Lawford is frowning – Kensi and Deeks know Callen and Sam have the right woman.
The woman – Ally – is in a private TSA office. Her son is being held in another room – he is safe. TSA is examining all the items in her luggage. Kensi asks Ally to remove her top. When Ally did not comply, a very attentive TSA agent starts unbuttoning the top. Two buttons down, Kensi sees the suicide vest. A second TSA agent and the one working on Ally's top grab Ally by the arms as Kensi calls in their discovery. A third TSA Agent found the detonator in Ally's handbag. The bomb squad is coming. Kensi is shocked Ally had her son on the plane but promises to get Ally the help she needs. Ally starts crying – nothing has ever helped her.
Turk and Ochoa are leaving the office as Callen and Sam arrive. They learned who cut the deal that lead the government to think that the team would work with Shaked or men like him. Ochoa admits he did. After Mexico, "a lot of people up the food chain" had a problem with OSP. The plan was to take it apart, "discard its people." Ochoa, however, saw "great agents" who were going to down for the wrong reasons. He made a deal to save everyone's careers and to save innocent people's lives. Sam objects – they don't do assassinations, they don't do torture. Turk thinks they might now and they know that's because of what happened in Mexico. Ochoa talks about walking a moral tightrope and that there is no other team he'd rather walk that tightrope with. Turk thinks if they want an easy job, join the Post Office.
Ochoa takes Callen and Sam to the driveway. There is a shiny new Challenger waiting. "Try not to burn this one," Ochoa tells an impressed Sam. Callen, Sam and Turk decided to go out for Mexican. Turk wants some tequila and to tell them how cool it was to save everyone's lives in Mexico.
What head canon can be formed from here: This episode firms up Ochoa as pro-team, reasonable and a good guy.
The episodes is also duller than dishwater and I'm not sure why. In every episode, the viewer knows the DVD cover guys, the happy couples and Hetty are likely going to survive any near-death situation. The season premiere – by the same writer – is proof that you can know what the outcome is but make getting there interesting. The terror attacks in "The Silo" – again, same writer – weren't going to happen, Kensi wasn't going to die in a nuclear mishap at the Air Force base but the episode was tense. Here, I never thought the team was going to be assassins, I never thought the terror attack would happen and I certainly did not think a baby would be involved. How they got there turning into a complete snoozefest I'm not sure.
Episode number: Season ten's eighth episode and 224th episode overall. "The Silo" was 199 and season nine's seventh episode.
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