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#once again very difficult times for the has never been touched community
skunkes · 7 months
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guy liker moment
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decaying-church · 8 months
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Slasher Nsfw Headcanons
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(a/n: pretend I've been posting constantly this year :))
Pairing : Herbert West x male!reader, Vincent Sinclair x male!reader
Requested by @unspeakableoftheoscarwildesorr : Will you do a nsfw headcannons with vincent sinclaire and herbert west? It’s alright if you don’t want to. Please have a good day :))
Warning: bottom!slashers, top!reader, hair pulling, public play, Vincent's conservative upbringing, Vincent writes smut for you, bondage, mentions of chemical burns, getting caught multiple times (slight exhibitionist Herbert) sorry dan, breeding, aftercare
Characters: Herbert West, Vincent Sinclair
Vincent Sinclair
He likes it when you watch him work, hovering over his shoulder, sometimes leaning on the table next to him. It makes him nervous, his hands fumbling a bit. If you tell him he was doing good and his brain would shut off.
He loves it when you praise him.
He also likes it when you run your hand over his back, whether you're giving him a massage or just feeling clingy he won't be able to focus on anything but you touching him.
Definitely a virgin when you met, but he knows about the general action of sex. Like the thing goes in the thing and then a baby comes out.
An utterly submissive bottom.
Before you met he figured that if he ever did end up having sex then he’d be the one doing all the work, as men do. (mmmh, conservative, yee-haw upbringing)
But then he met you, and he loved you, and you were both men, so his picture of what sex should be was completely shattered.
If you're generally smaller than him, he’ll try and be dominant. It won't work, the second you flirt with him or make a suggestive comment he goes weak in the knees.
He will make a single attempt at being on top before metaphorically throwing his hands up and going “well I tried”.
If your bigger, there is no attempt, there isn't even a thought of dominance, you were bigger- stronger, therefore you could do whatever you wanted to him and he would not complain (he will never tell you this because he knows you’d tell him otherwise but it honestly added an extra layer of excitement to everything)
The town is pretty empty so the two of you could essentially fuck anywhere.
You once joked about fucking in the middle of the road- and even though you were just joking, the thought of you holding him down on the old road, in front of all those houses, fucking him without a hint of modesty or secrecy genuinely plagued his dreams for several nights.
In reality, you’ve fucked in the gas station, in the movie theater, in the church, and in (or in more risky cases, against) the various houses around town.
Personally, I believe Vincent can talk, he’s just severely traumatized and doesn’t do it often, most days he communicates though groans, gestures, and forms of writing or drawing.
So, sometimes, when he wants you to try someone very specific with him, something too specific for him to say out loud, partially because of humiliation, but also because speaking was difficult for him, he will write it.
And not simple sentences either, he will go on and on about what he wants you to do to him, he’ll draw pictures, he’ll rant on for pages and pages.
The first time he did this you nearly read it out loud, you got about half a sentence in before realizing that no one else (especially Lester, who was just in the next room) needed to hear what he’d written for you.
Of course, with a set of quite specific instructions, you were able to make his every fantasy come true.
Vincent can genuinely go forever, round after round after round.
After years of being a recluse, he has a limit for how long he can go without some kind of stimulation.
Really, finally having someone who wants him and loves him above everybody else makes it a bit harder to continue the streak of celibacy he had before.
He can go about two weeks before he starts outright begging you to fuck him. Again, in great detail.
He doesn't have any prior experience so you'll have to teach him quite a few things.
The first time he asked you to tie him up he brought you some old ratty rope that would have torn his skin the moment things got too intense.
You have to ride out of tow a couple of times for supplies.
He is heartbroken every single time you leave, he always half expects you to just keep driving and never come back.
You always come back, much to Bo’s, who has to put up with Vincent being agiant baby whenever you leave, relief.
(if you ever actually leave Vincent, Bo will hunt you down. Despite everything he does love his brother)
He has a pretty average set of kinks, he likes being praised, tied up, and fucked within an inch of consciousness. He like it when you pull his hair and call him pretty, he likes getting fucked in places he shouldn’t, and he likes it when you leave marks on him.
Aftercare fiend, he’s not a pillow princess but you’d think he was with the way that he’d just lay there, fully fucked out, waiting for you to take care of him.
If you’re someplace where you can’t fully take care of him, (I.e. any other place you’ve fucked outside of your bedroom) he will become extremely flustered. Because that means he has to travel however far away you are from your bedroom in this state. And you could be several houses away or just a couple rooms away but he doesn’t consider either to be more or less embarrassing.
The state he’s in could varies depending on what you did, he could just have ruffled hair and messy clothes, or he could be walking around with a limp with every inch of visible skin covered in bruises.
Herbert West
A very busy man that doesn't like being interrupted while working.
That being said, he will sit on your cock while he's working.
He’ll tease you, act like he’s ready to get his back blown out against his desk, only for him to keep you inside while he works, shifting every so often, fully ignoring how hard he was in favor of chemicals and mildly unethical plans.
You might be able to fully pull him away from work if you give him an explicit rundown of all of the things you were going to do to him.
It'll distract him to the point that he just gives up, grabbing you by the shirt and pulling you in for a kiss.
Most of your “interactions” in his lab were just the two of you humping like animals on the nearest flat surface, which could be anything, a desk, the floor, the wall.
The two of you had so many chemical burns that could have been avoided simply by moving to his bedroom, you think the two off you would learn your lesson after the first time- you didn’t.
Herbert did not care what Dan heard or saw.
This was his house too after all. He could fuck wherever he wanted.
You’ve be caught by Dan an embarrassing amount of times.
Herbert from time to time will treat you like an experiment.
Don’t be surprised if he strips you down and asks to run some “test”
Herbert really, really likes oral.
He loves it when you guide him, one hand in his hair, slowly pulling him back and forth on your cock.
He is not immune to pet names.
Honey, baby, sweetheart, darling. The list goes on.
While he certainly likes those names, nothing captures his attention quite like you calling him “doctor”
This would be extremely inconvenience if you also worked at the hospital (the number of quickies had in closets/labs/bathrooms is downright disposable)
If you don't, you do it purely to tease him.
Leaning in close, telling him all the disgusting things you want to do to him, then just, “come on, Doctor West, don't you think you deserve a break?”
Herbert is definitely a switch with a preference for power bottoming.
He's in control while also getting fucked sideways, it's perfect for him.
When he is feeling fully submissive he will beg you to breed him.
He knows he can't necessarily be bred, but he likes the feeling of you cumming in him over and over.
Every position he likes, he likes for a very specific reason.
He likes missionary because he can leave marks all over your back, he likes being bent over the table so he has something to rest against when his legs inevitably gave out, he liked getting fucked on the wall because he liked how frantic and desperate it felt.
He will not flirt or try and sugarcoat what he wants, he doesn't care who hears, if he wants you to fuck him, he's going to tell you.
Herbert says he doesn’t like slow sex, but there’s been a couple of times when he hits a road block with his research and he’s frustrated and overwhelmed by everything and everyone and he just wants you to make it better.
You can’t necessarily help with the research but you could help him relax.
The way he reacts to aftercare changes drastically throughout your relationship.
When you first got together, he didn’t want you near him, don’t touch him, don’t talk to him, don’t look at him. Even though his legs were shaking violently and his body felt like it was on fire he insisted that he could handle everything himself.
There was somehow always water and food for him though, he figured it was a coincidence (leave him alone, his brain isn’t working at full capacity at the moment)
Further into you’re relationship he will definitely still be a brat about it, but less so. He’ll let you clean him, feed him, praise him. And on some of the more intense days, you’re gonna be carrying him around like a princess.
He “hates it”, but the moment you try and leave him to fend for himself, he gets even more irritated.
If it’s one of those days where you’re both bone tired afterwards then he’ll let you cuddle with him, he won’t initiate it, but he’ll enjoy it .
Kinktober 2023
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channoticedmeuwu · 10 months
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TXT'S CHOI LINE AS . . . . TEENAGE BOYS IN MY CIRCLE !!
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ミ♡ !! ୨🤍୧ ⁸⁹ ↻🍬
p — CHOI LINE × FEM!READER | g — crack, fluff, teenage love type romance | w — beomgyu's is a bit morally grey, mentions of harassment in beomgyu's
A/N — hehehehheehhe this was kinda self indulgent, enjoy !!!
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CHOI YEONJUN
got an insane fashion sense. calls you before hang outs to confirm if his outfit is hitting or nah. always consumes social media but insists he'll never post, and if he does, it'll be deleted by the next week. started out super excited for ig but now has a black pfp with no posts. begs you to get the apps he uses, telling you it'll be, “funnn pleasee!!!” really flirty. isn't aware of how hard he's gatekeeping his looks until he gets a few compliments for being photogenic (which he's super shy about when he realizes it's not a joke !!!). has a skincare and haircare routine, well groomed and good at whatever he does.
if platonic— your hype man. begs you to send him everything you know about the person you're interested in. finesses his way into getting you an inside scoop. happens to know a lot of people and always introduces you to new people. doesn't share his food unless you beg for it, but really easily convinced because he's a people pleaser. tells you he's okay with everything but has a very visually expressive face— so you can tell what the poor boy's thinking the entire time. insists he's okay with your choices (like a place to eat or something) even if he isn't. gets upset when you post without sending him the pics beforehand.
if romantic— ghosts. no sugar coating, (accidentally) ghosts. overthinks everything, tries to make it look he's not overly interested, but accidentally ends up not speaking forever and it makes it worse. slides up on your stories instead of just liking it a lottt. compares you to attractive popular characters in cartoons & shows to boost your mood. a lot of touches !!! hand grazing, shoulder bumping, pushing, shoving, arm wrestling, YOU NAME IT !!!! got you covered on money too, running less? he's got u.
gets super quiet when overstimulated, follows you around like a silent puppy. holds your hand, super shy. you see him droop his head while he's sitting down, falling asleep, and you let him rest his head on your shoulder. gets super happy at that, cuddles up to your arm and hides his face w his hand when you ask him, “you okay?” loves it when you hold his hand. gets his heart beating all crazy but he's so tired n dizzy he doesn't say a word.
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CHOI SOOBIN
a sweetie. but also super dumb. always up to no good. face timing his friends saying he'll be late to the meetup because his car fell into a ditch. kind of gullible, can't tell if you're being genuine or just joking. asks you if you, “really meant it?” and you have to assure the dumbass that you were just joking. and then, he breathes in and starts laughing so loud 😭😭
asks you if it's okay to make an inappropriate joke because he doesn't want to offend you. and you have to remind him that you've been friends forever, of course he can. and he sucks in a breath, shy and telling you it didn't matter— he needed to get confirmation. again, like yeonjun, finesses his way into doing you favors. once you couldn't sign up for an extra class on time and lost your opportunity— and he goes out of his way to talk to the professor, and doesn't back down until you're in. again, your wingman, giving you high fives everytime you tell him how you made a smooth move on your crush. makes a lot of puns— whispers the stupidest jokes ab being single to you during class and gives you a fist bump after the both of you are struggling to breathe.
and his fashion sense, he's the greatest shopping partner !!! gets drinks with you first, then the both of you go around talking about crush issues and how people are so difficult to communicate with sometimes !! grabs about 5 different tops and asks you to stand in front and place each one over your body. then tilts his head, and either says yes or no. gets super excited when he sees something that'll compliment you a lot, and forces you to try it on. when you ask him how he knows so much about women's clothing and style, he says, “dude, I got like two older sisters right it's just. I know.”
once you were rush shopping when you two had to 1. buy clothes during peak sale season for his sisters, you & him, 2. grab food for about five people, and 3. make it to the car to be on your way to a friend meetup. all in 30 minutes. you've never seen such a tall guy push you towards the counter (which had a line of about 17 people !?!?), run around a store grabbing clothes and throw them at you, and then run out to the food court.
and then, he called you right before your turn, asking you, “WHAT THE FUCK WERE EVERYONE'S ORDERS!?!?” and you yelled at him, “DUDE!? WHAT WERE DOING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES.” and he yelled back with a, “LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM. THE WORKERS ARE STARING AT ME CAN YOU TELL ME EVERYONE'S ORDERSSSS!?!?” in his hurry, he forgot to mention the order was a take out, so then he was hurriedly stuffing everyone's food into take out bags and really close to tears.
in the end, you two made it in time with so many shopping bags, everyone in the mall was wondering what the fuck two teenagers were running towards the exit like they were being chased.
but if he got a crush on you— he's the most observant person ever. has a type but says he's okay with everything. notices the smallest details ever, like which part of your face lights up first when you're about to smile, or your fav fruits or what you like to do in your free time. socially awkward so he doesn't know how to talk to you. his height got him towering over every one, doesn't realize it's a perk because he's so tall !!!!!! asks his friends to tag along when he wants to hang out with you because he can't bear being alone with you. compliments you— then asks you right after if that was okay or too personal?
cheery, super corny, always giggling. asks if you two can get food, but right after, follows it up with how two more people will also be there because he doesn't want it to be weird. but then, realizes he might have over shared that info, so he's gushing with a blush and telling you “not that I don't want to be alone with you!!!” but that also sounds so suspicious, so he just shuts up. and you have to tell him with a giggle that you get it, don't worry. and he gives u a grateful smile, pressing his lips together and smacking your arm a bit.
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CHOI BEOMGYU
nothing like the people he talks to— is somehow the bestest of friends with them. everyone's (self proclaimed) chauffeur, he's always driving people everywhere. just needs an excuse to drive in big cars (not even his....) and takes a lot of selfies. every pic of him with his friends is either him kissing their cheek, or being the one who's getting kissed.
fashionably late to hang outs. tells everyone its cuz he got lost. calling everyone with a lot of traffic in the back, saying, “GUYS WHAT WAY CAN YOU SEND YOUR LIVE LOCATIONS.” is the unemployed friend meme. always calling people randomly on a Tuesday afternoon and being like “I'm lost....” and he's fucking hours away.
once you all had decided to drive over towards a water park that opened up about two hours away from the city, and boy, was he excited. “IM DRIVING. FUCK OFF NO, IM DRIVING.” slaps people's wrist if they reach over to change the music. doesn't let anyone but his bestie (aka taehyun) change the music. his car takes all da bois 🫦🤟🔥 is also the reason da bois are lost.
gets to the place an hour late. and tells NO ONE. you all walk into the hut you rented and see beomgyu and his boys hogging all the food, under the impression they haven't even arrived. mouth stuffed, blinking and whining to defend himself after he was caught in the act, “YOU GUYS WERE HAVING FUN, I— WE THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE A BITE!!!!!” he paid for everyone's meals that day.
super protective and flirty. lives to see the expression on your face after he teases you constantly. smacks your head from the back, blows raspberries at you, frowns at you rudely, tells you that you smell like shit. but doesn't know what to do if you get upset from his words— whispers that he didn't actually mean it, and you're one of the prettiest people he knows, and that he's sorry & he'll never do it again, and that he never intended to hurt you— you just looked super cute angry at him, and asks you over and over if you've forgiven him and promises he'll never do it again. and when you finally agree, he doesn't leave your side, always trying to cheer you up or something, gives up his food to you or throws in a compliment here or there, or playfully hypes you up.
is actually super passionate too, so if you're dating him, be prepared for a lot of pda !!!! (if ur ok with it, ofc) grabs your shoulders from the back and asks you, lips against your ear, if you got your hair done. from a simple hand in your back pocket to a hand around your shoulder, beomgyu loved to feel you near him. always brushing his long hair out of his eyes, has a habit of biting his lips as he playfully pinches your shoulder, teasing you, “you can't pinch me harderrr— OW! Y/N, Y/N, STOP— OWWW!!”
he's the type to give partner privilege, if no one is allowed to touch the music in his car— well, you're an exception. always picking fights with people he doesn't know, has you pulling him, “shut up!!!! you're embarrassing!!!!” always asking you if you'd go to the party with him, squeezes you in even if you're not on the list bc he got links with everyone.
really protective of those he cares about because he knows how people can be, and their intentions. once, he was standing there awkwardly while you were comforting your friend because of her stupid asshole of an ex, who won't stop driving up to her house to scare her. beomgyu promised that he wouldn't let that happen to her again, “any friend of y/n's, I gotchu.”
forced said ex to make an apology video where beomgyu and his friends stood behind the camera, holding a script for the ex to read. “‘and to (friend's name) and y/n, I'm so—’ I am not saying that.” and beomgyu bent forward, “what did you say? say that again.”
and the ex, distressing, held his hands up front as beomgyu got closer, “OKAY MAN. FINE !!! ‘(friend's name) AND Y/N. IM SORRY, IM SO SO SORRY, MWWWWAH!!!!’ HAPPY?”
and you could hear beomgyu and his friends chuckle from behind the camera as they picked up the phone, “yeah, that kiss was the greatest idea ever. wait til I send y/n this.”
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txt — masterlist
main taglist (hmu to get added!) — @koishua @navyhyuck @allegxdly @daystiny  @kdyism  @neotism  @bluejaem  @radiorenjun  @sleepylixie @oifelixcmerebrou @mrkcore @imdamnconfused  @sicluvz @abhirami20 @tyongishs @emvrd @brxght-world @1921choi @bangchansbae
I’d appreciate if you’d give me a little feedback on the drabble if you read, whether it’s an ask, a reply or in the tags of the rb! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
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luckycharms1701 · 1 month
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I'M BACK BABY
@writinandcrying you have been waiting. so patiently. forever. thank you so much. hopefully this does your request justice
Leonardo
The leader in blue is taken aback when his first tentative foray into flirting with you is met with a never-before-seen blush. You have always been so forward and confident that he expected more of the same when someone flirted with you. He has to pull back and reassess his flirting strategy.
He quickly finds that he is charmed by it. Finally, a way to get under your skin and make sure that you notice him over everyone else. He also quickly becomes protective over your flusteredness, he doesn’t want to embarrass you too much. (He doesn’t want to share this side of you with anyone else.) So his flirting with you tends to be small moments in private.
Leo spends a lot of time coming up with a nickname that is perfect. Not just anything will do, it has to be tailored to you and to your relationship with him. He knows he’s found the right one when he calls you by it and you hide your face in your hands and start stuttering. He never calls you anything else in private, and you get bashful every time he does. His favorite thing is the shiver it produces when he comes up and gives you a hug while whispering the nickname in your ear.
He ramps up the flirting slowly, pleased when you seem to acclimate a little to his advances. He takes his time, enjoying the process. So it comes as a surprise to him when he finally kisses you and you are surprised. He spent so long making his intentions clear, how could you not understand? This is followed by his first lesson on communication in a relationship.
Once everything is ironed out and the two of you are official, Leo is again surprised when you immediately start flirting back. You are always surprising him. (He never liked surprises, before. Now they add light to his life. You add light.) The two of you are annoying, according to his brothers, with the way you snipe at each other with smirks on your faces. He finds that he likes flirty you just as well as bashful you. Of course, if he does miss your bashful side all he has to do is wrap his arms around you and whisper that nickname in your ear. Never fails.
Raphael
The first time Raph flirts with you is a complete accident. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud. The two of you stare at each other wide eyed for a moment before you bury your face in your hands and he starts stuttering. He doesn’t know how to fix this. Donnie walks in, sees this, and immediately turns around and walks back out. It’s a mess of stutters and blushes and carefully not looking at each other, but you manage to get across that it’s okay, you even liked it.
Raph thinks about that. He thinks about it a lot. You liked it? Does that mean that he has a shot? He thinks about the look on your face before you covered it and decides that he needs to try. So the next time he sees you, he very carefully, very deliberately, drops a line. When your jaw drops and you blush brightly, he feels a satisfaction not unlike when he meets a particularly difficult weightlifting goal. He likes that. He likes it a lot.
Now that Raph knows that you’re into it he gains a lot of confidence. Maybe a little too much confidence. He naturally gravitates towards more physical forms of flirting. He is always quick to do things that show off his strength in your presence. (He is always quick to do that anyway, but more so if you’re there.) If you need some furniture moved, he will be offended if you ask anyone else. You have never been picked up so much in your life. You have never been touched so much in your life.
Every touch sends a little electric shock through you, and it’s overwhelming. Eventually you can’t take what you think is teasing anymore, and you ask him to cool it a bit. Raph is taken aback. He had been so wrapped up in feeling wanted that he hadn’t realized what was happening. “S-Sorry doll, didn’t mean to upset ya. I just like ya so much I got too excited. Won’t happen again.” Hold on. Freeze frame, rewind. He likes you back? That much? Well, that changes things.
The bear hug you receive when you tell him you want a relationship (stuttering the whole way through) settles something in your soul. Now it’s time for the tables to turn. The next time he touches you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, you nuzzle into his hand. His eyes widen and it’s his turn to blush. Every time you reciprocate his touches, he gets flustered. When you initiate a touch? He loses it a little. You’re honestly a little disappointed when he starts to adjust to the reciprocation. However, the smoldering looks and slow smirks that replace his bashfulness are well worth it.
Donatello
He’s a genius, so why can’t he figure out how to approach you? You’re so fun and confident, you make him nervous. But Donnie has never let nerves stop him before, and he’s not going to start now. He does make poor Leo suffer through a lot of practice first. It’s worth it, though, when he does make his move and he gets to witness the soft blush that infuses your face before you hide it behind your hands.
What a fascinating reaction! He wasn’t expecting that. Ever the scientist, he starts to experiment. He figures out what makes you hide your face, what makes you stutter, what makes you have to leave the room and scream into a pillow. He figures it out and he uses it ruthlessly to his advantage. He might lose himself a little in the experiment (and enjoying your reactions) and forget why this whole thing started.
When he refocuses himself, though, he has a comprehensive idea of what affects you the most and how best to get through your defenses to your heart. Once this turtle knows what he wants and how to get it, you don’t stand a chance. It’s precision strike after precision strike. He tends to keep it more private so as not to embarrass you too much, but if the mood strikes him (or you’re just too cute for him to handle), he’ll smirk at you just right from across the room and send you spiraling. Sometimes, in private, he’ll pry your hands away from your face so he can see your pretty face. The tease.
It’s during one such moment when he decides that it’s time to take the next step. Carefully pulling your hands away from your face, he leans in to kiss your nose. (Eyes widen and snap to him, he notes internally as he pulls away a bit. Blush deepens.) Then he kisses you properly. (Oh… static. That’s an interesting reaction from himself. He makes a note to examine that later, when he’s not… distracted…) He is pleased when you begin to kiss him back.
After, when the two of you have discussed what comes next, he admits a little bashfully to the experiment. He’s not expecting you to grin at him. “Well, turnabout’s fair play, right?” It’s your turn to figure out what makes him blush. Unfortunately there’s not much, but that doesn’t stop you. Looking up at him from underneath your eyelashes? He’ll need to clear his throat. Being territorial about being the only one allowed in his space? It’ll lead to him ducking his head and rubbing his neck. The only way you’ve discovered to pull a blush from him, though, is to sit in his lap while he’s working.
Michelangelo
Mikey has, of course, been flirting with you from the very beginning. This means that when he wants to get serious about pursuing you, he’s not sure how to differentiate between his play flirting and actual flirting. Fortunately for him, you give him the clue he needs without him having to try anything… adventurous. Normally you take his play flirting in stride, even flirting back. But one time he gets a little sappy, a little lost in his feelings, and he lets his fondness for you show on his face. The second he sees your reaction, the way you can’t respond and immediately avert your eyes, he knows what he needs to do.
He is absolutely ecstatic that he gets reactions like this out of you. And all he has to do is let you see how he feels? Maybe brush his fingers against your arm as his eyes get impossibly warm? You hide your face with a groan and he grins. He didn’t think it was possible to love you any more than he already did, but this new side of you is proving him wrong. Mikey goes a little crazy with the power and looks to pull that bashful expression from you whenever and wherever he can. He’s a little obnoxious about it honestly.
While he’s not afraid to drop a smoldering look or a fond smile in front of his brothers to see your blush, he prefers to save some things for private. Like how the way he tugs on your sleeves brings a shy smile to your face. Or the wide eyed surprise when he picks you up and twirls you around. (You can’t hide your face because you’re using your hands to hold onto him. That is definitely on purpose.) Or the little giggle he gets when he says something over the top ridiculous. Those are his favorite reactions, and he wants them to be witnessed by him alone.
Eventually he breaks. He’s enjoyed the ‘will they won’t they’ stage, but he’s ready for the ‘they will’ part to start. So he asks you out. It’s second nature at this point to let his love show on his face, and you are overwhelmed. All you can do is nod. Mikey is overjoyed and picks you up and spins around like he has so many times before, but this time your reaction is laughter. And oh, he likes that too. When he puts you down, he doesn’t let go this time. He knocks your foreheads together, the personification of sunshine. The joyous smile on your own face takes his breath away.
Once you and Mikey start dating, both of you are walking on sunshine! The honeymoon phase is nauseatingly sweet, much to the disgust of his brothers. You can often be found staring into each other’s eyes, basking in the other’s affection. Mikey is not used to having someone match his energy like this. The fact that you meet him touch for touch, look for look, affection for affection? It means everything to him. Sometimes words and looks aren’t enough to express that, and he has to wrap you up in the biggest hug he can manage. It heals a hole in his soul that he didn’t even realize he had.
~~~
head bonks: @yorshie @avery73 @justalotoffanfiction @thejudiciousneurotic @xnorthstar3x @morenovix218 @donniesgirlie @gornackeaterofworlds
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Billy can be difficult to read at times. If he isn’t actively hiding his emotions altogether, he usually reads as angry no matter the mood he’s in.
This makes it difficult to interact with him.
Unless you’re Steve.
There are very tiny details that signal what kind of pissed off Billy is at any given time — sad pissed or mad pissed.
After watching him huff and mope around the kitchen with his arms crossed, Steve determines easily that it’s the former. While this means that the issue is likely more difficult to resolve, he’s glad that his lover isn’t angry.
Last time they argued in front of company, things… escalated.
Steve realistically knows that he’s never in danger. That Billy just has big emotions and doesn’t know how to express them in healthy, communicative ways sometimes.
The kids, however, see him getting red in the face and raising his voice and think that all hell is about to break loose.
The drama of it all gives Steve a headache just thinking about it.
He pads into the kitchen just in time to find Billy solemnly closing the pantry for the umpteenth time, and fixes the blond with a soft smile.
“Hey, Stevie,” Billy sighs.
He crosses his arms and leans against the pantry door, eyes downcast as the brunet steps closer.
“Hey,” Steve coos. “What’re you over here being all bummy about, huh?”
Billy shrugs halfheartedly, brows drawing together, and the little conversation going on around the kitchen table stops.
Dustin and Mike had been discussing character concepts for their next campaign, the tabletop spread with notes and drawings and books for references.
All of that gets put on pause for a moment.
Steve keeps his focus on Billy.
“Brain stuff again?” Steve asks, voice quiet. When Billy nods after a brief moment of hesitation, he cocks his head to the side. “What spots are you feeling sad about, tubs?”
Billy huffs a laugh at the nickname, but frowns as he looks down. Just below his crossed arms, there’s the gentle pooch of his stomach. Steve follows his gaze and smiles at the sight. Moves closer and sets one of his hands on Billy’s waist, rubbing his thumb back and forth.
“Go figure it’s something that I like,” Steve muses.
“Fuck off.”
Billy’s face flushes red, and he tenses up when Steve’s touches move closer and closer to his softened abdomen.
“You’re such a hater,” Steve murmurs. He presses closer, shuffling Billy up against the pantry door with both hands on his waist as he leans into his neck. “Always disliking my favorite things.”
The blond uncrosses his arms and secures his hands on Steve’s shoulders. Doesn’t pull or push, just rests his hands there while Steve ghosts kisses over the corner of his jaw.
It doesn’t take much to smooth out the hard edges.
After all, Billy is, at his core, melted sugar. Warm honey dissolving at the bottom of a teacup. Everything soft and sweet and all too easy to overindulge on.
Steve sneaks a hand around his back, presses him away from the pantry and into an all-encompassing hug. It has Billy sighing softly once he’s wrapped up, his own arms lacing around Steve after a beat.
“I mean it when I say I like it, y’know.” Steve gives his partner a reassuring squeeze. “I know that doesn’t change how you feel about it, but I’m here to help however I can, baby. All you gotta do is ask.”
Billy holds his breath for a moment before he hides his face in Steve’s shoulder.
“I know,” he whispers.
“Mm, did you want a snack?”
“Yeah…”
“Would it be easier if I had one with you?”
After a brief silence, Billy nods. Steve gives him one last, firm squeeze before he pulls away and offers a gentle smile when he notices how glassy and red-rimmed his lover’s eyes look.
Together, they have a snack cake of Billy’s choice, and the blond’s demeanor changes almost immediately after he takes the first bite. Steve smooths a loving hand over his upper back before he ropes him into his side, which earns a little smile in return.
At the table, Dustin and Mike have returned to chatting about their concepts. No longer bothered by the display in the kitchen.
Even if no one else can read Billy, Steve’s just glad that the element of fear is withering away.
One day at a time.
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minichrismd · 1 year
Note
Request: Older (like early-mid 20s) Sebastian x reader fic where reader went on to work in Magizoology and Seb took on a job as an Auror (if only as a front to learn more about the dark arts, bc you know he’ll never *really* stay away from it, he’s lowkey addicted). Anne has likely passed away at this point and he’s still grieving the loss twice over. They meet again face to face after so many years and only occasionally sending owls with brief surface-level updates about life. When they see each other again, everything from 5th year and trauma from recent years has all come back up to the surface all at once. Fluff and/or smut (not required ofc, tho we do love a bit of spice)
Sweet Exchange - Sebastian Sallow
Word Count - 2.3k
Themes - Fluff
Sebastian sat alone in the small café, nursing his coffee as he watched the busy streets of London outside. It had been years since he had been back to the city that held so many memories for him, and everything felt both familiar and foreign at the same time. He had returned for work, of course – a new job as an Auror, working to keep the magical community safe from dark magic and those who would use it for their own gain. But he couldn't deny that part of the reason he had accepted the job was to learn more about the very things he was meant to be fighting against.
As he sipped his coffee, his thoughts drifted back to his Hogwarts days. Those were the days when he had roamed the castle with his sister Anne, and (Y/N), the girl he had been in love with since his fifth year. His mind drifted back to the last time he had seen (Y/N). They had been just out of school, both unsure of what the future held for them. She had gone on to pursue her passion for Magizoology, traveling the world to study creatures that most people couldn't even imagine. And he had gone in the opposite direction, throwing himself into the world of law enforcement in an attempt to make up for the mistakes he had made.
You’d both kept in touch, of course, sending occasional owls with updates on your lives. But it had been years since you’d seen each other face to face. And now, as he sat in this café waiting for her to arrive, he couldn't help but feel a sense of nervous anticipation.
Anne had passed away not long ago, and the thought of seeing (Y/N) again after so much loss was almost too much to bear. But he knew he had to do it, had to face whatever feelings and memories came up when you were together again.
As if on cue, he saw you walking down the street towards the café. You looked almost the same as he remembered. But there was a sadness in your gaze now that he couldn't ignore, a weight that seemed to hang over you even as you smiled and waved at him.
"Sebastian!" You exclaimed, coming over to hug him tightly. "It's so good to see you again."
He hugged you back, feeling a rush of emotion at the contact. It was like you were both sixteen again, and everything else in the world faded away except for the two of you.
You sat down at a small table in the corner of the café, and for a few moments, you made small talk about your lives since you’d last seen each other. Sebastian told you about his new job, and you regaled him with stories of the exotic creatures you had studied in your travels.
But eventually, the conversation turned more serious. You talked about Anne, about the loss you’d both experienced, and about the difficult times you had been through since leaving Hogwarts. And as you talked, Sebastian couldn't help but feel a sense of connection with you that he hadn't felt in years.
"I still think about you, you know," He admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.
You looked up at him, surprise written all over your face. "What do you mean?"
"I mean...I think about us, (Y/N). About what we had, and what we could have had if things had gone differently."
You stared at him for a long moment, and for a moment he thought he had made a mistake by saying anything. But then you reached out to take his hand, and he knew he had been right to speak up.
"Sebastian, I...I think about you too," You said softly. "But so much has happened since we were last together. I don 't know if we can go back to how things were."
"I know," He said, squeezing your hand gently. "But I just had to tell you how I feel. I don't want to live with any regrets."
You smiled at him, a small, sad smile. "I don't think you're capable of living with regrets, Sebastian. You always seem to know exactly what you want, and you go after it with everything you've got."
He laughed a little at that. "I don't know about that. There are plenty of things I regret, believe me."
You talked for a while longer, about your hopes and dreams and fears. And as you did, Sebastian felt something stirring inside him that he hadn't felt in a long time – a sense of hope, of possibility. Maybe you couldn't go back to the way things were, but maybe you could find a way to move forward together.
Eventually, you left the café and walked through the busy streets of London, talking and laughing and catching up on lost time. And as you walked, Sebastian couldn't help but feel grateful for this moment, for this chance to be with someone who had always meant so much to him.
As you approached the river Thames, Sebastian suddenly stopped and turned to face you. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," You said, looking up at him with bright, curious eyes.
He took a deep breath, gathering his courage. "Do you...do you want to try again? With us, I mean. I know it's been years, and we've both been through so much, but...I can't help how I feel about you. And I think we could be good together, if we just give it a chance."
You looked at him for a long moment, studying him carefully. "Sebastian, I don't know what to say. I care about you, I really do. But I don't want to rush into anything. I need some time to think."
"Of course," he said, nodding. "Take all the time you need. I just had to ask."
You stood there for a while longer, looking out over the river as the sun began to set. And as it did, Sebastian felt a sense of peace settling over him that he hadn't felt in years.
Eventually, you parted ways, promising to stay in touch and to see each other again soon. And as Sebastian walked back to his hotel, he knew that he was already planning his next trip to London.
The next few months were a whirlwind of activity for Sebastian. He threw himself into his work as an Auror, determined to prove himself to his colleagues and to learn everything he could about the dark arts. But even as he worked long hours and chased down criminals, his mind kept returning to you.
You’d stayed in touch, of course, sending owls back and forth with updates on your lives. But you hadn't seen each other again since that day by the river Thames, and Sebastian couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from his life.
One night, after a particularly long day at work, Sebastian was sitting in his apartment, trying to unwind. He was flipping through an old photo album, smiling at the memories of his Hogwarts days, when he heard a knock at the door.
He got up to answer it, his heart racing. Could it be...?
Sure enough, when he opened the door, there you were. (Y/N), looking more beautiful than ever.
"Sebastian," You said, your voice soft and hesitant. "Can I come in?"
"Of course," he said, stepping aside to let you in.
You sat down on the couch, and for a moment, neither of you spoke.
Finally, you spoke up. "I'm sorry I haven't been in touch much lately. Work has been so busy, and I've just been trying to figure some things out."
"It's okay," Sebastian said, trying to keep his voice steady. "I understand. How have you been?"
"I've been good," You said, giving him a small smile. "Busy, but good. And how about you?"
"I've been...busy too," he said, his mind racing. "Work has been demanding, but it's been good. And I've been thinking a lot about you."
You looked at him then, your eyes searching his face. "Sebastian, I've been thinking a lot too. About us, I mean. And I don't know if I'm ready to give this another try."
Sebastian felt a pang of disappointment, but he tried not to let it show. "That's okay," He said. "I understand. I don't want to push you into anything you're not ready for."
You both sat there in silence for a while longer, both lost in your own thoughts. And then, you spoke up again.
"But I don't want to lose you, Sebastian. I value our friendship so much, and I don't want to let that go."
Sebastian felt a sense of relief wash over him. "I don't want to lose you either," He said, reaching out to take your hand. "We can take things slow, if that's what you want. I just want you in my life, in whatever capacity that may be."
You gave him a small smile and he felt his heart lift. Maybe you weren't back together, but you were still in each other's lives, and that was something.
You spent the rest of the evening catching up, talking about everything and nothing. And as the night wore on, Sebastian felt a sense of contentment settling over him that he hadn't felt in a long time.
Over the next few weeks, you both fell back into a comfortable routine. You didn't talk about getting back together, but you did spend a lot of time together, going out to dinner and taking long walks around London.
Sebastian was happy just to be with you, even if you were just friends. And he could tell that you were happy too, by the way you smiled and laughed when you were together.
One night, you were walking along the river Thames, enjoying the cool night air. You’d been talking about your Hogwarts days, reminiscing about old times, when Sebastian suddenly stopped and turned to face you.
"Can I ask you something?" he said, his heart racing.
"Of course," You replied, looking up at him curiously.
Sebastian took a deep breath. "Do you remember our fifth year, when we went to Hogsmeade and got caught in that snowstorm?"
You laughed. "Of course I remember. We were stuck in the Three Broomsticks for hours, trying to stay warm."
Sebastian smiled. "Yeah, and then we finally made it back to Hogwarts, and we were soaked through and freezing. And you were shivering so badly, I thought you were going to get hypothermia."
"I remember," You said, your eyes sparkling.
Sebastian took another deep breath. "I...I kissed you that night, do you remember?"
You looked at him, expression unreadable. "I remember," you said quietly.
"I've been thinking about that kiss a lot lately," Sebastian said, his heart pounding in his chest. "And I was wondering...could we try again? I know we've both been through so much since then, and I don't know if we can ever go back to how things were, but I just...I don't want to let this go. I don't want to let you go."
You were quiet for a moment, and Sebastian felt his heart sink. But then you spoke.
"I don't know, Sebastian. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt again. And I don't want to hurt you either."
"I understand," Sebastian said, his voice soft. "I'm scared too. But I don't think we have to rush anything. We can take things slow and see where it goes. I just know that I care about you, and I want to be with you. If you'll have me."
You looked at him for a long moment, and then leaned forward and pressed your lips to his. It was a soft, tentative kiss, but it was filled with all the emotion that you’d been holding back for so long.
Sebastian wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, and you wrapped your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. It felt like coming home, like everything was finally falling into place.
When you finally pulled away, you were both breathless, foreheads resting against each other. Sebastian felt like he was on top of the world.
"I don't want to lose you again (Y/N)." he said, his voice hoarse.
"You won't," You said, her eyes shining. "I promise."
You both took things slow at first, building a foundation of trust and communication. You went on dates, spent time together, and talked about everything under the sun. Sebastian found that he loved getting to know you all over again, discovering new things about you that he had never known before.
And the more time you spent together, the more your relationship deepened. You were both in love, and you both knew it. Sebastian felt like he had finally found his place in the world, with you by his side.
But there were still challenges ahead. Sebastian's job as an Auror was demanding, and he was constantly in danger. And your work in Magizoology took you all over the world, often for long periods of time.
But you were determined to make it work. You wrote letters to each other when you were apart, and when you were together, you made the most of every moment, cherishing each other like you never had before.
One night, as you were lying in bed together, Sebastian turned to you and said, "Do you remember when you said you were scared of getting hurt again?"
You nodded, your eyes searching his face.
"I am too," Sebastian said, his voice soft. "But I also know that I wouldn't trade this for anything. Being with you, loving you, it's worth all the risks."
You smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "I feel the same way," You said. "I love you, Sebastian."
"I love you too," Sebastian said, holding you close. "Always."
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twojackals · 10 months
Text
It starts at the top
Rev. Dr. Tamara Siuda is a good person who I admire. I consider her a mentor and I probably always will to some degree. She is a skilled Egyptologist, a talented divination professional, a beloved spiritual leader (even still to me now, that remains true), and I dare say under different circumstances she'd be easily considered a friend -- the problem is, no one these days has access to Tamara Siuda long enough to be her friend -- but what's worse is that in, my opinion, no one has enough access to Tamara Siuda to be her devotee, either.
And that is definitely one of the big reasons behind my dropping down from Shemsu-Ankh to Remetj.
Let's roll back for a second though.
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Rev. Dr. Tamara Siuda is the creator of Kemetic Orthodoxy (not Kemeticism, but Kemetic Orthodoxy in specific. She is a truly beloved spiritual leader, and the self-proclaimed incarnation of the Kingly Ka (a spiritual component linking all Pharonic Kemet rulers, aka Pharaohs). She had a calling, and a vision, and she did everything she could to bring those ideas and visions to fruition. Enter Kemetic Orthodoxy.
I arrived in the House late 2000. The year 2000 was a different time: Some people like me will tell you the old days were the better days, and we really do mean it; however, it doesn't come without its caveats. We were smaller back then, and that isn't something I deny to be an easier situation. With a smaller community size, came differences. Much different, in fact. So different, it may have well been an entirely different religion in a lot of ways, not in belief structure, but in access to the people most important to be the guiding lights of the path itself, and interaction with Hemet (a word conveying a type of royalty), or Rev. Dr. Tamara Siuda, was not at all infrequent.
Having an actual human relationship with Rev. Dr. Siuda back then wasn't a difficult task, and it is what I remember most fondly about "the old days", as it were.
Today, you can literally go months without ever seeing Hemet in any accessible KO location. It's strange because I think I didn't notice it for a long time, and only began to realize the extent of this isolation / disconnection for myself when I first joined her Patreon server. While I had spent the 3+ years (4 come Wep Ronpet) since re-joining the temple wondering "where is Hemet in all of this these days" as her presence grew ever more scant, joining her Patreon would be a refreshing surprise, because basically: there she is. It's not terribly difficult to touch base with her when you're on her Patreon Discord or in one of her Patreon programs, and that shook my world a bit more than I thought it would. To the point where it became one of the reasons I pulled out of the same program after being in it for only a very short amount of time.
Where was Hemet? Well she was there, for anyone who was willing to pay for it at least, and that bothered me to my very core. To be extremely clear, I do not believe she means it to look this way. I do not believe it is her intention for things to be this way, but as per our capitalistic society, maybe that's just the way it needs to be.
That sent me spiraling back into my memories, some more recent than others. We had for years disavowed the idea of a "paywall" inside Kemetic Orthodoxy, for example. Even the old mailing list which was a "Donate $5 and get access to extra stuff!" was a source of disdain: People considered that "tiered access", though I think the donation aspect still exists but not held in perpetuity or the like (you donate once, no one notices if you never donate again). But today, the quality of what you get is no longer there anyway, even for $5. I suppose that is because holding anything back "just for donors" brings that "tiered access" problem back. Today, the list you are subscribed to is nothing but a regurgitation of some Daybook content, and it appears to be queued up robotically with absolutely no customization.
It's funny because if you read what the list is meant to provide, it is that Daybook content as well as (quote) "hymns, prayers, and other tidbits provided by Hemet (AUS)." We used to get that back in the day, to be clear. The tidbits, prayers, hymns… we used to even have access to KO blog-style posts from Hemet multiple times per week. Unfortunately, those days are long gone, and as I mentioned, the mailing list is nothing but the same Daybook content on a never-ending carousel, the beautiful inspirational blog posts are long gone, and Hemet is about as distant as both of them.
As a result, I hardly consider the "mailing list" to be a form of tiered content, but there was at one point in the House's history a time when people cried about the disparity between those with $5, and those without, despite always needing donations, and I suppose here we are.
When you think about the fact that we no longer have the access to Hemet we once did, we no longer have the relationship to Hemet we once did, we no longer get the tidbits, prayers, hymns, and other unique content we once did, and no one really cares if you continue donating "at least $5 in a calendar year or not" to be on it, you realize that list is really nothing anymore. It's just recurring mush pre-scheduled and unlovingly dumped into your box at midnight or like, akin to so much spam we avoid day in and day out, and you still technically have to pay $5 for it.
But all the while we the Kemetic Orthodox crowd is getting this regurgitated content and limited access, people are in fact able to get plenty of access to Hemet and personalized relationships and advice... just not within the actual religion she created. And the way they do that is, in fact, by paying for it: the one thing we kept saying we didn't want to do as a religion, but that we can -- and dare I say, should -- do. Because listen: I recognize capitalism, and that nothing operates on hopes and prayers. There should be tiered access available within Kemetic Orthodoxy that gives access to programs and resources so that donations do happen and that Hemet does not need to go to Patreon independently to do what she needs to do, and our community can again have an access to its spiritual leader that makes that much more worth being here to begin with.
Because I can get the Gods anywhere -- I can only get Kemetic Orthodoxy here though.
But at the same time, you can't keep asking for donations, and delivering almost nothing to the very religion you created. And I do not say that in a vacuum, because before you say "all she does behind the scenes", I already know quite a bit of what she does behind the scenes, and I'm here to tell you quite point-blank: it isn't enough (clarify: it isn't enough to only be behind the scenes and just tell people you really really promise you're doing tons of work, even if you never see or get to interact with me).
I'm sorry, Tamara.
It's weird, I know, I sound like I'm speaking against her, but yet seem to turn it around entirely saying things like she should be available via paywalls. It also seems like I'm screaming into a void of entitlement, but again that's not meant to be the case. If you look at what I'm saying, you will understand I am not speaking 'against' her at all. I am in favor of her doing every single thing she must to find joy, happiness, and yes money, because that's the world we live in... and if that's outside Kemetic Orthodoxy, so be it. But you can't necessarily be "King", either, at the same time.
I do not agree with the idea that the only place you can seem to get access to our own spiritual leader in any significant capacity, is outside of the very religion she created. And creating a religion is no small thing, particularly if you are going to be assigned the literal role of Royalty that comes down from a very long, long line. I mean, she won't even participate in our own Discord, and to be clear, she is definitely participating in her own. So this is not a technology-gap kind of thing, and while the excuse over time has always been that people will try to overwhelm her, there are ways of dealing with that -- none of which anyone is willing to explore.
That responsibility you create by the process of birthing an entire religious movement into this world… it cannot be quantified by contracts, donation levels, exterior commitments, or other spiritual lives you may lead. If you create a path followed by hundreds, you need to be there, because that is your creation from the ground up, your baby, and all the babies that came from it depend on you for as long as it remains standing. "How do you make money", "How do you keep it going", "How do you find the time" -- all good questions, and all not questions anyone in the religion you've created technically needs to worry about, because it wasn't their choice to make this path, it was only their choice to follow it.
By making a statement of such importance as being the incarnation of an ancient, profound, holy and somewhat unbroken energy, followed up without a commitment that reflects the very innate reverence and humility contained within the statement itself, is a paradox I am having great difficulty to reconcile, not the least of which is how you can claim to be this, but also be dual-aspected in terms of your own spirituality in your own personal life as well (something I will not comment further on, asit is a point of bitterness I cannot overcome right now but also a very complex point as well that is not fair for me to touch on).
Simply speaking, after great, deep consideration, I have simply had to come to the conclusion as follows:
Rev. Dr. Tamara Siuda, who I still admire, and deeply respect, is not the incarnation of the Kingly Ka of Pharonic Kemet. She remains an amazing spiritual leader, a strong and experienced divination practitioner (which is why I still accept my RPD results), and a beautiful soul. But in its current incarnation? I feel Rev. Dr. Tamara Siuda has functionally abandoned Kemetic Orthodoxy in one too many ways, and I do not believe any true modern-day King could be capable of such a serious lapse or gap.
In a not-insignificant way, I do feel she avoids her community more than she embraces it, and that makes me sad. Too sad to stay as I was any longer, because I was not getting what I needed from a spiritual community, and too much of it went back to Tamara in specific.
It's possible, one day, I will change my mind about this. I am not so arrogant to think I will never change my mind again, I am 41 years old and have changed my mind more times than I can count. But for now, I agreed I would talk about why I've decided to make these changes in my Kemetic spiritual life, and this needed to be said if I was going to be honest. This is how I feel, right now, for today, and probably tomorrow.
I've cut out quite a bit of material from this, things I wrote down in my first few days after I made the change to Remetj that were perhaps a lot more harsh than I intended. I re-read it to myself and, while a lot of it still made sense, I decided it was just not fair to post. Instead, I tried to balance the way I feel, and the things I want to say, with enough balance that I can still project how disappointed I am in the state of everything and turns of events (or lack thereof), without equally projecting a serious attack against another person (which is not my intent).
I am not here to attack. I am here to express, and that will walk a fine line not everyone is going to agree with.
As usual, I'm fairly OK with that. Edit: Wow... in writing this, I wasn't expecting it to feel like a 20-lbs weight has been lifted from my chest, and my heart, and my soul. But here we are.
Edit 2: Someone on Facebook decided to state that I believe Hemet is a "dirty capitalist" -- I want to be clear that if this is what you've gotten from this post, you are wildly mistaken. Either I am not calling her that at all, or I am simply calling us all dirty capitalists, due to the innate unavoidability of capitalism itself. Ultimately, the idea is to combine 'necessary capitalism' with KO in order to save it and to ensure its spiritual leader can survive on what is connected to the House, rather than what comes from outside the House.
But, I was also accused of stating that Hemet should spend 'all of her free time' in the House, and that is a bit more tricky to address. Here's the thing: if you're going to call yourself King / Pharaoh, perhaps this is the responsibility that comes along with it -- whether that is 'palatable' to people becomes irrelevant.
Edit 3: Because we need these edits, yo. To be crystal clear, I also believe there are alternatives to Tamara being "only involved" in KO, but that's going to involve her a) speaking more readily, honestly, and openly to her congregation on a regular basis (perhaps not every day, but regular, none the less), b) dropping down from a position of "King" to something more akin to High Priest or Spiritual Leader so that her role makes more sense, c) creating full delegation to a wide group of people to run the Temple and its resources/platforms (something where change is happening slower than a snail can jog), d) dropping all contracts that indicate she will work x-amount-of-hours for x-amount-of-pay, because the organization is no where near big enough or committed enough to support it, unless e) they finally agree to integrate some revenue stream into the Temple itself. I'm not saying I have all the answers. I'm saying the way it is now, doesn't work, and will only get worse. I am hoping for change that bridges the gaping divides, and I don't have a scripted plan to 100% tell anyone how that would go. I just know that it can't stay like this, and as long as it does, Kemetic Orthodoxy is not for me. Like I said: I can get the Gods anywhere.
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ashleywool · 1 month
Text
"I LOVED THAT SHOW"
I wore my How to Dance in Ohio hoodie to church today. It's Palm Sunday and we did our customary palm procession from Duffy Square into the building, which is nice and all except winter decided to come back and bite my skin off again...so that sweatshirt seemed like the best choice as warm enough for the weather + can fit under my choir robe + won't get swelteringly uncomfortable once we're inside at the service. It did the job. Truly the ultimate transition piece. Get yours today while supplies last.
At fellowship afterwards, someone from the congregation that I didn't know--she's only in NYC part of the year--pointed out my sweatshirt and said "I LOVED THAT SHOW!"
It took her a moment to recognize me (she initially confused me for Madison, which, yeah that happens, I'll never be mad about it), and we had a lovely chat about the show. And what I noticed after walking away was...the subject of autism, or me being autistic, didn't come up at all.
I love and cherish the advocacy aspect of my work on HTDIO. I love and cherish the opportunity it gave me to be the autistic representation I wished I'd had growing up. But I have to say, it was SO nice to have someone, a total stranger, talking about the show and loving the show independent of The Autism Part.
It was wonderful being part of discussions about diverse representation, and I will never turn down opportunities to eagerly participate in those conversations. But I really wanted us to stick around long enough that the "novelty" aspect of "autistic characters played by autistic actors" (or even "canonically nonbinary/genderqueer characters") would wear off sufficiently for more people, so they could focus on the story and the characters and the music and all the other things that make our show great irrespective of the Representation aspect.
I've had a ROUGH few weeks, y'all. Truthfully, I've been going through one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. Aside from the obvious grief factor and logistical stressors, it turns out that post-operative depression is absolutely a thing. While I'd like to think I'm cognitively and emotionally mature enough to handle this level of change, especially considering how lucky I am to have robust support systems in family, friends, and healthcare practitioners, my very autistic nervous system has had a difficult time letting the sympathetic part cooperate with the parasympathetic part. So I've been a ball of tension, exhaustion, and worst of all, that soul-sucking apathy where nothing seems enjoyable or interesting, but maybe it would be if I had the energy to be interested.
It's helped to find a great physical therapy clinic that is giving me comprehensive, multi-pronged care and NOT charging me copays (because apparently my insurance pays them excellently--thank you, Equity-League and Cigna). It's helped that I got back in touch with a therapist I had seen years ago on BetterHelp (she's since left the platform and honestly, GOOD FOR HER). It's helped that I have parents with the means to help me out financially--and, crucially, the means to keep me accountable without resorting to pressure and guilt-tripping. It's helped to still live in a city where financial assistance isn't excruciatingly hard to come by if all else fails (at least compared to other states). It's helped to have agents submitting me for tons of exciting projects, and having several cabarets and readings to look forward to in this time of transition. It's helped to have a really chill, supportive church community keeping me spiritually grounded without buying into the yt American evangelical toxicity. It's helped to have my cats.
But sometimes, what makes me the happiest of all, is hearing "I LOVED THAT SHOW!"
I'll never not be proud to be known for How to Dance in Ohio and everything we stood for. I'm proud that the love was real, and the quality of the material reflected and reverberated that love. I'm proud of the representation aspect, and I'm proud that it wasn't just about that. And people who saw it, saw all of that.
It's so comforting to know that we shared this show with enough people that it's going to continue to matter.
People aren't going to forget.
I love that for us.
By the way, it was too cold to really show it off, but this is the shirt I wore underneath the sweatshirt. :)
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tuatism · 8 months
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just posted something similar on main but i think i can explain better when i connect it to klaus so to my tua blog this thought goes.
bug like an angel (mitski) is so four "klaus" hargreeves coded
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klaus is a lonely character. this is something that's true throughout all the seasons, and we can see how in each season he finds a new replacement for personal connections or worse; a replacement for the love he had lost with dave. in season one he had already been a drug addict (which i will touch on in another point), in season two he seeks solace in his "alternative spiritual community"/cult, and in season three he looks for (familial) love with his father.
going further on season three's replacement, i think that it is by far the most impactful (whilst not being particularly relavent to how he relates to the song, but i want to talk about it whilst i'm thinking of it). klaus looked for familial love with an alternate version of his father because, in part, i think he saw some of himself in that reginald. he saw someone who was constantly drugged and was treated as a joke by his family and was essentially discarded whenever he wasn't useful. sound familiar? of course, that reginald wasnt actually much like klaus, but it's easy to see how if you're desperate for someone, anyone, to connect to you'd strive hardest to find it in the father who never loved you. the father who's affections you've been starved of your whole life. anyways, moving on
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i think the direction i'm taking this one is pretty obvious; dave.
throughout the show there's multiple (sometimes rather subtle) moments where klaus clearly wishes for nothing more than to be with dave again. in a cruel joke from fate, it's discovered that klaus cannot permanently die, which only makes it harder for him. i believe that part of why he has such a difficult time moving on is due to the fact that dave died. obvious point, i know, so let me explain further. with most relationships, they'll end mutually. be it a calm break up, cheating, a fight, family issues, etcetera; most relationships have something that can clearly be defined as an "ending point". klaus and dave never got this, especially since klaus can communicate with the dead. in theory, klaus could talk with dave whenever he wants (at least in season one he could), so it'd be hard to really consider the relationship as being over.
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after dave dies (and before the slight time reset) klaus swears to go sober so that he can see dave. he finds during the torture scenes that the only way for him to speak with ghosts is to he sober, but he knows that (in that moment) he wouldn't be able to go through with it unless he's physically restrained. he made the conscious decision to reach out to diego for help, hoping he'd be able to go sober for dave. time is rewound slightly and his meeting with dave and the whole restraint thing is undone, causing klaus to make different decisions regarding his sobriety. he still tries, yes, but in the end he has to have the drugs physically slapped away from him. in season two he is also sober, albeit much more successfully. he, once more, comes horribly close to relapsing to drinking when he goes to the store and buys all manner of alcoholic beverages (although they are all dropped and promptly broken when he arrives at his home).
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im choosing to interpret this lyric in the less literal way because i think thats more interesting to interpret with klaus. i've already touched on him seeking love in other forms, so i won't dwell on that, but it may be touched on.
klaus is at rock bottom, in season three we watch him lose basically everything. he lost his one and only love, he lost his cult (although the degree to which he wanted them is debatable), he misplaced his trust, and he lost all hope to see dave again. he knows that there's no use in it, yet he can't help but yearn to be with dave. deep down klaus knows that not only can he not die, but the dave in the new reality may very well be out there somewhere; along with the fact that he will never be klaus's dave no matter how much he wishes. he will never be truly happy again, no matter how much he wishes.
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copper-16 · 4 days
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this is quite a personal question so feel free not to answer this! <3
you said somewhere a bit ago that you're ace. how does that translate into your relationships with non-ace people or when you are writing about people who are not ace? I hope this doesn't come across as disrespectful I just wonder whether that is a form of compromise for you. I hope you understand what I mean? Hope this is fine to ask!
Hello! First of all, you asked this question so kindly, and I want you to know how much I truly appreciate it! I have a lot of thoughts that I am more than willing to share, so I apologize in advance for the length of this. 
For starters, from a writing perspective. I write smut in stories most of the time because it furthers the narrative, not really because I enjoy doing it. Every once in a while I might feel the urge to do so, but those moments are few and far between. I write it from more of a clinical perspective, and a lot of my smut writing is me kinda copying/drawing from what other people write, especially for things I have never experienced before. I have amazing friends who love to share about their experiences, so I also ask them a lot of questions if I’m curious about something. But overall, it’s a bit like pulling teeth, and it’s not ever something that “turns me on” or makes me feel the need to go sleep with someone. Just is what it is. I’ve considered writing a story where one of the characters is ace, but I’ve always been a touch too scared to do so, and it’s not something I ever thought people would want to read about. 
For myself personally, I think it’s been a bit of a journey. I slept with a lot of people, both guys and girls, trying to figure out if there was anything about sex I really liked. Sex for me is again more clinical in the sense that I don’t really enjoy the actions myself (it doesn’t turn me on), but I kind of enjoy getting to fulfill my partners needs, if that makes sense? It was about a year ago when I firmly decided that I was ace, though it is something I still think about a lot. I’m asexual and not aromantic, so I worried that I would never be able to find a partner who understood me, and that I wouldn’t get a chance to fall in love. 
I’m no longer with this person, but I did end up finding a partner who I was with for several months who knew about me being ace, and still chose to date me. It is possible for a relationship to exist without a lot of sex, or any sex. The person I was with was not ace, but they didn’t find sex to be that important, and understood it wasn’t something I loved doing. I was willing to still have sex sometimes because it made them happy, but it can be a hard thing to balance with yourself when in a relationship. I was only willing because while I don’t enjoy sex, I’m not sex repulsed. I considered it a compromise in my relationship at the time, but sometimes I wonder if it was just me sacrificing that part of myself. I’m not sure if moving forward I would ever want a relationship that included sex, but I consider these things to be fluid and ever changing. That being said, if someone has never told you, I am here to point blank tell you that it is possible to still fall in love with someone without sex. Sex isn’t all that exists in a relationship, there are different ways you can be intimate with someone. I would say, however, that it’s best to be upfront about your preferences/needs going into a relationship. It’s not fair to the other person (or yourself), to not communicate about that and allow it to be something that is talked about. 
I’m also lucky that I have amazing friends who have always validated how I felt, and encouraged me to be honest with myself. My best friend specifically has always tried to remind me that my feelings are valid and it’s okay for me to be myself. Similar to when someone comes out as gay, realizing your ace in some way can be very challenging. It’s difficult to navigate, and it can be hard to understand yourself when the way your body works doesn’t feel “normal,” compared to what you read about or see in major media. You are normal, I promise, your body just might work a little bit different than others! I really recommend the book “ACE” by Angela Chen for anyone who thinks they might be ace. It’s nice to know that there’s others out there who feel the same. 
Just a final thought, for anyone who has this on the brain/is maybe struggling or thinking about it - I am ALWAYS here if you would like to discuss it. One of my friends on here is also ace, and it was so liberating and just filled me with relief to finally be able to acknowledge that maybe I wasn’t alone in feeling this way about sex. My messages/asks are always open, so feel free to reach out if you would like to talk to someone! 
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medtech-mara · 6 months
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🖊 + Jack Adams, please :)
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Ohhhhhh!!! Ya know I had to 🏃🏽‍♀️ !!!! and answer this
Gush? About Jack Adams? I thought you’d never ask!!!!
Well, let’s start with some facts about me making him. but first.. click for song will set the tone.
He’s my first ever real male OC.
He was never meant to be a love interest
Never meant to be Jayce Adams brother (old legacy gta5 rp character of my husbands) I threw it out as a joke weeks before the campaign started to make Mara’s life hell. He decided to do just that. I didn’t know til he was introduced naturally in the story.
I don’t actually remember what his first first name was.. and he was White.
Though Jack is my original character, I surrendered him to the DM.
I collabed with @cyberneutral to make Jack’s preset. (They make legendary male Vs imo) He has been edited along the way, but the Orignal is still very much present and I cannot be THANKFUL enough for them to bringing my dreamy Jack to life, exactly as i had pictured... I know what i had asked for was extremely difficult but they did it. *smooches picture of jack* I'm sure they are sick of me tagging them about it. I hope this will be the last... UNLESS🖤🖤🖤???
Jack Sergio Adams, is a 33 years old, grew up in a normal middle class household for the most part, except for the fact his best friend practically living with his family, who had accepted her as one of their own, a daughter they never had.
The story of Jack Adams in the canon story is a tragic one, I will only touch the canon story a little, but I will GUSH about him in the AU: Water on Mars (keep and eye out on the TAG!).
Jack, had followed Mara everywhere, they joined Med school together, joined trauma team together, killed the same man and subsequently fired together, saved from murder charges from Marco Guerrero and Jayce Adams standing on TTI and NCPD... you guessed it.. together. So, after months of grinding at Meatwagon, Jack gets the idea that they should set up a clinic in the Wellsprings, to give back to the community, to atone for their sins on trauma team. (not killing that guy tho, he deserved what he got.) The two worked their asses to the bone, taking every extra shift they could and coverage to make it happen. After 2 years since the Clinic opened its doors, the rhythm of life has started to slow down, and the time started to look right, He just needed to find the words to say to Mars. He never got the chance, as when Mara started seeing this Rockerboy J I H Z Z Y, who he was convinced wasn't going to last long. WRONG. However Jack would never see how wrong he was, as he tragically was killed by Maxtac's C-SWAT team after hearing from Mara everything that had been going on her life. The Killswitch.... He asked her if things could go back to normal once the killswitch was removed, but when she admitted that she had agreed with his twin brother Jayce, that when the killswitch is removed, she is to report for duty at Maxtac, becoming a C-SWAT member. This caused Jack, who was at this point mostly cyberware from the city center attack, he couldn't handle that much put on him at once, which caused him to slip into cyberpsychosis. Murdered in front of Mara before she could tell him she loved him and was throwing everything away to keep him on this side of sanity, he met his tragic end. His song for this campaign: Here
Okay. I know thats more than I had promised about canon, but I promised there was A LOT MORE you need to know. But I wanna gush about AU Jack!!!
Much like the same in canon, except, Mara starts seeing this Space Corpo named Titus Atredies, 6'5, Body swapped. Jack, knew he stood no chance against that, but when things didn't work out and Mara broke things off, Jack knew he wasn't going to let this chance slip. He started working out again, dusting off his combat experience and joined the merc world, all without saying a word to Mara, he has to protect her. (Canon Jack makes the same decision much later and never tells Mara but by then Mara was so far ahead he couldn't catch up) One night, Mara and Jack had plans to head out to Tios (The unoffical name of the bar next to Mara's place. He is everyones uncle who frequents the bar, which, ya know my girl does... alcohoilc) when on Mara's run home, she called and said she had a gig to save some girls kidnapped. Though, a part of him was disappointed, however, he knew this was Mara's calling. She'd do whatever it took to keep another girl ending up like her childhood friend Jennifer Costa (You can read what happened here). However, Jack found it extremely odd, that later that night he didn't even get a zchat saying she was off the gig. Even stranger, she didn't show up for work, no one saw her for her run. She was.... Just gone? That doesn't make sense though. Mara would never just disappear without a word, something terrible had to have happened. Something terrible indeed... See, Mara had gotten off that gig, and on her way home, taking N-CART. Militech shoved her onto the track electrocuting her, causing her to pass out and her kiroshi's to pop. When she woke though, she was unable to see, and calling out for a nurse proved to be fruitless, because when she did get a response, it was from a Maelstrom booster informing her of her predicament. Luckily for her though, They had found a frequent flyer card for AV travel under the name of Titus Atredies, which meant they knew they had struck gold. They would be holding her for Ransom until Titus or someone named Jack Adams could pay for her release. After hours though, no one showed, which meant they needed to move locations to ensure that NCPD wouldn't be showing up. Loading her up in a van, they started to transport her from Santo to NID, where the boosters began to Jones for their next high. Mara, had been sending out pings to Jago, as he lived in Kabuki and she knew they were taking her to Totentanz and then to All foods factory in their pursuit of Black Lace.
When at All foods plant, the driver had come back and still no Jago.. Mara convinced no one was going to save her, she'd rather have a bullet to the back of her skull than to find out whatever plans these sick fucks had in mind, prepared to run, as they didn't think to strap her down. Suddenly theres two taps on the driverside glass, and before the Maelstromers would even say anything, there was shot after shot into the driver and passenger, which cause Mara to scream from being startled and begging for help. When suddenly, she hears Jack's voice call out to her.... He'd saved her. Though, Jack did have trouble getting started at a Merc, his first group being slaughtered on their first gig together, doesn't look good on a Medtech merc that can't keep his team alive, so he was dropped by his fixer. When Mara decides, why not. Night Raid is about to disband no gigs coming in from them and all the ones she's been doing has one she's fixed for herself. So why not add Jack to the team? She'd watched him stand toe to toe with someone with Mantis blades and still on this side of the earth. He was far more capable than Mara had anticipated, as he had started making his own toxins and drugs to use during combat. Which, He did decide to make a cologne on one, just anyone down wind of him would become frightful and have mild hallucinations.
pictured: Tios bar
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Okay... You asked me to GUSH ABOUT HIM. So I have... but thats only the tip of the Iceberg. Jack is finding his own and more confident everyday, I know it seems like He revolves around Mara but CONSIDER THIS! He lived in the shadow of his fraternal twin, Jayce, and constantly having to keep an eye out on the road ahead, because as long as Mara is behind the wheel, they are doomed for some kinda mess.
I honestly never thought that Mara and Jack would EVER get together like never ever. The fear of losing the closest thing shes ever had to a family is a risk she wasn't willing to make until... Well a bit of wine, a homecooked meal made by jack, and the dice saying its happening. It was almost like all they had to do was just get that tension out of the air for them to see that they were meant to be. Now if only Jago would stay out of the picture...
I will understand if you never ask me anything ever again.... but please ask me more xD
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Text
Vassal of the King (part 8)
Frerin x OFC
Author's annotations are here!
*****
Frerin is one hundred and twenty years old on the day he finds himself at a crossroad.
It is a difficult period for both of them. Verdandi's mother, mistress Sigyn, has passed into the Halls a month ago, throwing the Dwarf woman into despair; she cries constantly, and does not get out of the house unless she really cannot help it, spending hours alone in her room. Frerin, who has known the same pain and the same loss when he was still a boy (sometimes he thinks it is a good thing his mother never saw her family wandering around Middle-earth without a home and her husband lose his mind and disappear, but her death on the day of Smaug's attack is an agony he knows he will never heal from) does his best to comfort and console her, but he does not know how, and no matter how strong and deep is the love and the affection between them, and while she appreciate the effort, he has the impression his wife does not actually wants him around.
Verdandi, who is always happy to share her joy and help those in need, is private in her pain; she hides her sadness, her tears, not so much pretending everything is all right but withdrawing into herself, bearing her loss in private and behind a shut door. Frerin's by now familiar sense of helplessness returns once more, and the thought that his wife does not want him close in a moment like that wounds him, but he hopes that the baby Verdandi is carrying in her womb will give her the strenght to keep going and to smile again.
Four weeks later (in a terrible, bloody day in which Skuld comes see him at the forge in the middle of the morning, and Frerin understands what has happened without the need for his sister-in-law to speak, looking at her ashen face and red eyes is enough) Verdandi loses the baby. Skai has no idea why: the Dwarf woman is young and healthy, and the sadness for the loss of her mother did not cause her to neglect her health or to forget their unborn baby needed to be taken care of. Still, it happens, and the sibling she and Frerin had hoped to give Sindri passes into the Halls, before their parents had had the time to give them a name, too small to even reveal whether they would have been a boy or a girl.
Frerin is beside himself with pain. He cries every night, all night, asking Mahal the reason for that tragedy, and tormenting himself with the (completely unreasonable; but if there has been a moment in his life he has been able to think clearly, this is not it) suspicion the Maker is punishing him for running away from his duties towards his family and kin. He holds Sindri against him, he brings the child wherever he goes, including the forge, which the child had until now been forbidden to enter out of fear he might hurt himself, prey of an irrational but persistent fear something terrible might happen to him as well, if Frerin is not there to protect him. Quiet, reserved Sindri does not ask questions, but uncle Skai has explained to him the loss of the little sibling he had not even known of until then, and he does his best to comfort his parents with his love: he hugs them, kisses them, keeps them company and attempts to distract them as often as he can. It helps, very much, but it is not enough, not yet.
Verdandi has closed into herself even more than before, hiding her guilt and hatred for herself behind walls so high not even her sister, and her child, and her husband, can reach her. At night, she lies on the bed, unmoving, turning her back to Frerin to clearly communicate she does not wish to be touched, in any way. Frerin is tormented by the suspicion his wife blames him for what has happened, since he had been the one to propose they try for another child and even if she had enthusiastically accepted. A distance has grown between them, where before they were so close, physically (even though abstinence is the least of his worries, since he would rather wait before trying again as well, and his libido has never been so low) and spiritually, a gesture or a look were enough to make each of them perceive what the other was thinking; he fears the tragedy they suffered will destroy his family, and everything he and his beloved, darling wife have built together, all the happy moments and the hopes for their future. It is a terrifying prospect, enough to keep him awake at night, praying and tormenting himself as he searches for a solution.
Had the child been a boy, they would have named him Thorin; Verdandi had been the one to propose it, and Frerin had loved her for that.
It is in moment like this that he wishes the most his mother and sister were still with him; as women, they could perhaps help him decide how to best comfort his wife. But his mother has passed into the Halls years ago (and maybe she is with the baby now, as is mistress Sigyn; it is a sweet thought, even though it does not help either) and Dís is almost as far from him, and no matter how fond Frerin is of Skuld, and Skai, and the good Dwarves of Tharak Bazan, there is no one he can ask for help. He is worried for his wife and her well-being, and for Sindri, who is naturally affected by the tension infecting the house like a plague, and then he has his own pain to deal with, the sense of loss and mourning for something that was as little as his finger and still so precious, a darkness that no one and nothing can seem to help him find a light in...
One day, two months after Verdandi's miscarriage, Skai comes see him at the forge minutes before he is meant to close; the two reach the closest tavern (not The Axe and the Holly, but one he has never been with Verdandi) and drink more than they should. Frerin is sincerely fond of his brother-in-law, and to stay out of the house for a while, to vent and express his frustration and helplessness, and maybe to forget his woes in the ale, is liberating, and exactly what he needs.
Frerin almost chokes on his ale.
They have reached the bottom of their fourth tankard when Skai, searching for a topic of conversation other than his siblings-in-law's recent tribulations and completely unaware of the effect those words will have on Frerin, asks: "By the way, have you heard the news about Erebor?"
Erebor has been reclaimed. Apparently it has to do with a strange little creature hailing from the lands west of the Anduin river, and the honor of killing the dragon belongs to the heir of the King of Dale, not to the Dwarves, but it is true: Smaug is dead, and the Line of Durin has taken back what is theirs.
They have returned home.
To keep his calm, to prevent Skai (who is more than tipsy at the moment, but still much more perceptive than many Dwarves) from suspecting what he is feeling and how much those news affect him, is one of the hardest things Frerin has even had to do, but he pulls it off, and his brother-in-law is happy to tell him everything he knows (which is very little, but at least he is sure of what he is reporting, since apparently the whole city has talked about nothing else since early morning) thinking Frerin is simply curious, and happy to think about something other than the loss of his child.
That night, after a quiet dinner, Frerin sits on the steps out of the door, lits his pipe and smokes, silent and alone, as he looks at the stars.
Thorin is the new King of Erebor. Skai was not completely sure of the name, but he is called ashenshield or something of the sort, he said, so Frerin has no doubt: it is really his brother - his stubborn, brave, reckless, beloved older brother.
Frerin is happy, of course; he is overjoyed, as much as he can be after Verdandi's miscarriage, and part of him wants to kneel and give thanks to the Maker from now to eternity, thanking Him for not forsaking the Line of Durin. The other part of his heart, though, is troubled: Thorin is alive, but what about the others? Dís, and Balin and Dwalin, and all the others? Did they find out what happened to his father?
Part of him wishes he could go back; now that it is safe to do so, and that others have toiled and risked their lives. The thought fills him with shame, but Frerin cannot help it, nor can he lie to his heart, and as he creates smoke rings that idly dissolve in the cool night air, and as Verdandi observes him, unseen, from the window of their bedroom, he lets his thoughts wander, and fantasies fill his mind. He imagines going back to Erebor, being a prince, a brother and a King's heir once more, sleeping in the large and comfortable room of his childhood and living among the riches and the luxuries he was born in. He dreams of showing his homeland to Vedandi and Sindri, and he is sure they would love him just like he does, that Dís and Verdandi would love each other like sisters, that his family would grow fond of the child, and that him, Frerin, could finally give his family everything they deserve, and that they want, instead of a simple and modest existence, lived considering every little expense and saving in fear of harder times.
He dreams of Thorin; to make peace with him, to apologize and see himself forgiven, and to tell him I love you, and to hear him say I love you as well, little brother. That for him would be enough.
Those are dreams and nothing more. Frerin cannot go back and he knows; first of all because Dwarves are slow to forget any wrong they have suffered, and he has never known anyone more capable of bearing a grudge than Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King under the Mountain. Almost fifty years have passed since he ran away, but it could have been fifty centuries, and nothing would change: Frerin knows his brother has not forgiven him, and that if they were to meet Thorin would still hold his past sins against him, the way he ran when he was needed the most, abandoning his family until he could return and undeservingly enjoy the fruit of his kinsmen's sacrifices. And while Frerin might perhaps endure the shame, he could never bear to have his wife and son witness it.
And after all, he does not want to return; not really. He was not made to be a prince, this he has always known; he could never accept the responsibilities, the obligations the role entiles, he knew this on that night at the gates of Khazad-dûm and now, half a century later, he is more sure than ever. He is Fjalar, a smith and a husband and a father, not Frerin, prince and heir (unless Thorin has children of his own; it might be) and this is a choice he has never regretted. His life is here, with his wife and son, and no matter how much he misses his siblings and his friends, no matter how he wishes they could remember him with love instead of scorn, he knows Verdandi and Sindri are far more precious a treasure than anything guarded in the depths of the Mountain. He will never ask for anything he has not worked for and earned; not for him and not for his family. What he has is enough, and probably more than he deserves.
Even when he feels he has lost a part of him, like now.
In the end, Frerin lets his pipe go out and goes back inside. He is about to head to Sindri's little room to make sure the child is asleep before going to bed himself, but something stops him as if he had walked into a wall.
Placed on the kitchen table, neatly filled with his clothes and other possessions, is the old bag Frerin had taken with him from Azanulbizar, that he had always used in his wanderings and that, since he has hardly ever left Tharak Bazan after he met Verdandi, has long been buried at the bottom of a closet. Inside, there is everything he needs for a long journey: a water bottle, his warmer cloak, half of the coin they keep in the house, folded clothes so that they will not wrinke. Frerin looks at it, in the silent and dark room, for five minutes, disbelieving at first, and then simply sad.
Verdandi has packed his bag.
She is not telling him Go, I do not care. It would be easy to believe so, but he likes to think he knows his wife better than that, and no matter how tense things are between them, Verdandi would never ask him to leave, or even let him go without trying her best to stop him.
No, Verdandi is saying Go, if you so desire; I do not accept it, but I understand. She must have heard about the retaking of Erebor, Frerin's homeland, and is giving him her permission to pursue his destiny, should he decide it leads him back to where he was born. She is releasing him from the promise they exchanged on their wedding day, the promise to never part as long as they were alive, because perhaps this is what he wants, especially (she could never admit it, and she might rationally know he would never blame her for that, but the heart has rules of its own) after she has made it so difficult for him to love her in the last weeks, and she has left him alone with his pain while she could only nurse her own. Verdandi knows Frerin has never stopped thinking about his family, his brother and sister and his friends, and wants him to know she accepts it, that he has the right to go back to them if he wishes, and that it has been good while it lasted.
Staring at that carefully, even lovingly prepared bag, Frerin feels an intense contempt for himself, as well as the impulse to scream at the empty room, loud enough to wake the whole street. He does not, but he takes the bag, brings it with him in his bedroom, and leaves it on the floor. The room is dark, but not so much that he cannot see Verdandi, her back turned to him, stiff as a ramrod, as if she were simply pretending to sleep, and holding her breath. Frerin does not speak, but takes his clothes off, leaves them neatly on a chair and slips under the sheets next to her.
Verdandi remains still for another minute, as if giving him the chance to change his mind, and then she turns. "Fjalar..." she whispers in a broken voice, and for the first time he realizes his wife has never called him Frerin, ever since he shared his secret with her. Not even once.
He would not know how to explain it, but that makes him happy. "It is all right." he whispers back "Come here, my love."
For the first time in months, Verdandi lets herself be hugged, and finally she cries, sobbing and shedding all her tears in her husband's arms, holding on to him and apologizing and telling him how grateful she is, how blessed she feels, for his love. Frerin weeps as well, and holds her, kisses her hair and tells her she has nothing to blame herself for, that everything will be fine, and that there is nowhere he would rather be than with her.
In that embrace, in those tears, whatever was broken is mended, what is lost made peace with, and comfort accepted and shared. On the next morning, Verdandi feels as if healed after a long illness; she is pale, but she smiles, and she finds herself humming softly as she braids her little son's hair. She eats sitting on her husband's knees, and he makes Sindri laugh complaining the weight is going to break his kneecaps, but takes advantage of the proximity to squeeze the firm, plump breast just under his nose. Verdandi slaps his hand away, but she does not seem upset. Not at all.
The next days, and months, and years, pass, peaceful and predictable. Sometimes, Frerin keeps thinking about Erebor; sometimes with nostalgia.
But never with regret.
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TAGGING @starlady66 and @elvenenby
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somewhereinthepines · 10 months
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This is just a funny little thing rather than an ask, but thank you for sharing your fics with us. After the whole Ao3 drama over the past day or so, of not being able to access the site and its fics, I just wanted to say thank you bcs I enjoy your work. I was having fic withdrawals and thinking, "What if the site never comes back up? I'll never be able to read them again, and I'll never know what happens." So yeah, just thought I'd send this to you, haha :) It just goes to show just how important fandom is. Hopefully, this will encourage others to comment on fics they like since everyone has been struggling without their fics.
howdy there! it’s always lovely to hear from you, ask or not. and yeah, i was a bit sad, that i couldn’t read before bed, like i usually do as well. but tbf, ao3 server/staff is pretty apt and usually they deal with site’s issues fairly quickly. it wasn’t the first time, when the site was down due to cyber attacks. after a couple of days, it always bounces back. i do get the sentiment tho. and it’s really nice to see someone else being this gentle of the writing and online fic community. writing/reading was smth that i held dear since my mid-teens, so i can get the feeling of ‘what if i will never read it again’. i still feel sad about some fics, that i loved, but which got deleted. i wish that i could store it all somewhere. 
anyways, thank you for reaching out! and i agree! i always found shelter from irl stuff in stories, be it my own or someone else’s fics. in online communities writing tends to be looked down upon. a typical ‘it’s written like a fanfiction’ thing, that people throw around as an insult, esp when it comes to some canon property that didn’t met their expectations. but honestly, those people just never read a good fic, i guess. i feel bad for them lol. esp bc it does make sense to write fics, even before you would write a movie script or say, a book. writing like any skill needs to be worked on, and experimented with. fics provide all the ground, that you want for that. esp bc you can even have many accs and stay anon, if you don’t wanna smth to be tied up to you in future. but, welp, i do hope that eventually folks will learn to have more respect for online creators. bc like….i mean, it’s literally a free entertainment. of all kinds and genres. too bad that at times, it’s difficult for people to just create and enjoy what they do. but i always say, that i do believe that anyone can start drawing or writing. it won’t be flawless, esp at first, but this way whatever you want can exist out there. 
but ah, okay. sorry! i talk hella a lot. once again, it’s very touching for you to message me! both as a fellow author and a fellow reader, i’m glad to have the same feeling of ‘i really love fics and ao3.’
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3, 4, 9, 16! :D - Alex
Thank you very much for the ask!
3 - How long have you known you were otherkin?
That's honestly a little difficult to answer; I think I've known on some level for around 7-8 years now, but never accepted myself until the last year or so, when I made a complete turnaround and not only got myself involved in the idea of psychological kin, but spiritual as well. It's been quite a long journey, especially in the middle of those 7-8 years when the concept wasn't even in my mind, but I'm glad to finally seek self-acceptance. 7-8 years on a larger scale, but for me to acknowledge that I knew and to work with it? 2 or so years.
4 - What reminds you of home?
Difficult to say as my kin runs more psychological than spiritual, but I gave this one some thought and feel I have a few answers! Some smaller things in my daily life give me little reminders, my stacks of books marking that the desire for reading and learning never quite left. Scents are also big for me! I have a few candles and some incense on my altar, with the more subtle scents tugging at me a bit more.
Larger feelings, unsurprisingly, come from the replicated shirt and wings I've made. I've worn the shirt publicly multiple times, but the wings stay firmly on my wall. I have a pair of antennae I made as well and while I haven't worn those nearly as much, part of me strongly wants to wear them at least once to see if I feel comfortable with them.
The strongest feelings come from things I don't have control over at all. There are certain ways the clouds roll in that make me recall flight and certain songs that evoke strong responses from me, both positive and negative (and I do plan to post at least two playlists with the songs that do this). Looking over royal architecture is one of the strongest, feeling so small in such large, ostentatious halls, more than anything wanting to find myself pacing them again.
Overall, I suppose, in a sense, "home" is less a location and more of a concept for me.
9 - What was your first kintype?
Difficult to say! The only one I can think of would be the M.ettaton from the Und.erfell AU of Un.dertale; that was the first time I ever considered the idea that I might be otherkin, but never pursued the concept any further, just eyeing it with wary curiosity. Interestingly, while that linkage was definitely a work of projection and trauma response, so is my current kintype; the difference is in how intensely I experience this current type vs how loosely I interacted with the previous one. I'm not sure if I would call it a kintype, honestly.
16 - What are some challenges that you face with being otherkin?
The biggest ones were the ones imposed by myself! One of the biggest initial hurdles was that accepting my kin identity made me feel like I was losing touch with reality. Truth be told, my awakening to my identity happened through intense dissociative experiences I fought to pathologize - my therapist was the one who suggested I take a step back and look at it in a more spiritual light (so as not to condemn myself for my experiences). I still believe I may be experiencing a form of multiplicity, but the experiences are no longer intense and distressing; I no longer feel strongly disconnected when I have shifts.
I suppose another is simply existing as is - as someone in the otherkin community, a community which has been highly mocked in the past, the mocking being the first thing people likely think of when they hear the word. It made me want to cringe at myself, but being part of several other groups that tend to be stigmatized - autistic, trans, amongst other things - helped me begin to move beyond that. I still hold fear over what others may think of me, but at the end of the day, my behavior isn't harmful and it makes me happy, so I'm willing to be more open about it.
More current challenges? I would say incorporating my identity into my more daily life. I do use the name Shai in my day to day, and went through the two-hour process of getting a tattoo of the wings I no longer possess, but part of me very much wants to go further. It's difficult, being a feminine trans man with butterfly accessories, but I would consider it to be the price I pay to feel more at home - the people closest to me know I am a man at the very least.
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vahalia-cress-ffxiv · 2 years
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Impending Union
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How often they talked circles around one another. Even now, letters were no different. Vahalia shook her head as she tossed the envelope and letter itself into the fireplace. She had no purpose in keeping a letter unless it carried something vital for later.
How very like her to discard things that were of no value.
Pulling out the chair to the long table within the meeting room, her hand lifted to the linkpearl in her ear, "Blythe when you have a moment." She came in clear across the frequency of the company communications, " – I'm in the meeting room when you are able." 
‘I’ll be there shortly.’
He had stated he wasn't going to be dedicated to much else beyond the company estate; which is what Vahalia garnered from the memo he had left with N'mara. Typical. Expected;  since the man didn't seem to venture too far. It was no wonder he barely had anything to bring Vahalia in regards to information or their arrangement during the tenure of knowing him. He was practically a shadow on most occasions and information did have its moments of running dry.
With pursed lips she sat, legs crossed and her body semi-shifted in the chair, arm bent at the table to tap her pen in slow, soft rhythmic touches at the table itself. Tea was seeping in the pot beside her and the gentle crackle of the fireplace within the furthest most center part of the room was a welcoming calm.
It didn’t take him long. Within a few minutes of sending the message, Ricard stepped into the meeting room of the estate, a small number of files tucked under his good arm while his left was still settled within the confines of the sling though he didn’t appear to be relying on it nearly as heavily as he had been just days before. 
“Good evening, Vahalia.”
His gaze shifted over to her as he moved to one of the nearby seats, not sitting too closely, he didn’t want to be presumptuous and they were there to discuss business. He was also attempting to assess what kind of mood she was in. But as always, she was a difficult woman to read. 
He set the files down on the table making sure they weren’t blocking eye contact before shrugging out of the jacket he had draped over his shoulders, laying it over the back of the chair and then taking a seat. 
“So, it sounds like your trip was quite productive.”
“As per the usual.” she added and she twisted the pen into her grasp, attention turning to Ricard, “I’m assuming you’ve been up to business as usual as well?”
He tilted his head from side to side for a moment. “Healing, mostly. Trying to take things easy for a little bit longer before I get back to work. Leads to follow, rumors to listen in on, but that’s easier to do when I don’t stand out and this-” he motioned to his sling, “- makes one stand out.” 
He took a moment, leaning back in his chair. “But, time not in the field has allowed me to…assess the state of things back home. Never a bad thing to make slight adjustments to make things a bit more efficient. But another topic for some other day, that’s not what we’re here to discuss.”
Vahalia looked away and seemed content sitting where she was for the time being. She even busied herself with pouring herself a cup of tea, “Before long I suppose you’ll have a wife to look out for you and you won’t need to worry about having no one to look out for you or watch out for you.” She really didn’t care to acknowledge the sling. She had seen him fuss with it enough times that she was more likely to choke him with it than offering any resounding pity.
“So – “ she began, “I assume you have some points and demands you’d make of your own regarding all of this. Might as well get that out and in the open first. Unless you have an agenda you’d like to follow?”
Ricard’s eyes narrowed for a moment as he watched her fuss over her tea. He reached over and slipped a paper out from the top file, setting it aside for a moment before settling back against his chair once again. “I do, in fact, have a few different items that I believe it would benefit both of us to discuss and have ironed out, including a timeline to have a rough idea of when we can expect events to happen.”
He drummed his fingers against the edge of the table. “There are the business elements to discuss, regarding family finances which I’m assuming you’ll want to see, and then there are the more personal elements to discuss. You mentioned in your letter than your sister looks forward to her ‘freedoms’, but she will be head of a household, there will be expectations. At some point there will have to be a meeting with my family. Things of that nature. As a result, I suggest we discuss the financial and the business components first, as they’re far more straightforward, unless you’ve any objections.”
A small smirk bore to her features as she quietly plucked up a spoon to stir the contents of her tea. She added nothing into the mixture save for a squeeze of the lemon slice at her saucer. She listened, not making eye contact and simply drew the spoon from the hot depths of her tea, in silence dragging the curve of the spoon at the lip of her cup-rim. Dignified, poised, practiced patience and gracefulness. All things she had been taught at a young age and all things she had never forgotten even being long from home. That didn’t mean she still didn’t know how to push buttons.
“I don’t care for your family finances, those are not my concern. My only concern is the gil you procure every year as part of the agreement for the coffers. I don’t care for your business elements as they do very little for the name of Cress over all.” She lifted her cup to finally take a sip, as chaste as it was she set it back down and finally looked over to Ricard.
“Your job will be to tell your wife-to-be of your expectations of her. She was not raised by wolves, she’s been very much in the know of a woman’s traditional role in households especially noble households. She knows her duty as well as your mother did which is why she is as dutiful to the cause and has accepted. At some point Valeria knew there was no escaping these prospects.”
Vahalia eyed the papers and folders a moment, whatever little pages of this and that he sought to bring with him. Ricard was punctual and coordinated, she’d give him that, “I’ve asked 15% yearly of your earnings to go towards the Cress coffers for the future generations between the bloodlines. Reason for this is that you and I both know I have the means to balance such finances and I have the know-how of being able to bookkeep such events. I look for nothing from you other than to keep my sister well treated and safe.” 
She balanced her hot cup between her fingertips, elbows at the table as she stared across to Ricard, “She wants to cook. Valeria that is. Allow her to cook and partake in the things that bring her joy such as cooking, art or tapestry – whatever makes her happy. Give her those freedoms at the very least.”
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Ricard tilted his head, running his tongue across one of his canines with a small chuckle. “I was offering to let you look at the finances so you could have an idea of what the 15% would look like, Vahalia. Not because I expected my family finances to be a concern of yours. A courtesy as one entering into a business arrangement with another individual.”
“I told you before that what little a coffer makes for your children on a year-to-year basis will be solely dependent on your income for that year so what 15% looks like tomorrow might not be the same as several tomorrow’s from now. Consider it incentive.” she smirked softly though it could very well be seen as a smile if one wished to. She ought to say more but merely let him continue talking as she would gingerly take sips of her drink here and there.
He took the paper he’d removed from the file and slipped it back inside as easily as he’d removed it. “You’ll get your gil, as I previously stated, and probably a bit more. No child of mine will go without. You’ve asked me to keep your sister safe and well-treated, so be it. She wants to cook, engage in art or tapestry or what have you, then so be it…within reason. I’ve no intention of keeping her caged to the house in Ishgard, my mother and my father stay there  by choice.”
Honeyed eyes bore across to Ricard and she spoke again, seemingly only speaking to be clear on matters and correct if need be, “None of the gil is mine. Consider me the treasurer of it for safe keeping.” she added, “It brings me happiness to know you’re willing to meet her halfway with her hobbies and seem to take no issue with that.”
Ricard reached over and drew the files close, setting two to the side and opening the third. He flipped through a few papers for a moment before settling on what looked like a chart. “So, I suppose the question becomes how quickly. How quickly do I have to develop a relationship with my…wife-to-be, to lay out the expectations for her, to get things rolling, so to speak, because you speak of future generations and as we both know…children take time.”
She leveled with him as he posed his questions. Her cup finally lowered and she adjusted in the chair, “I would assume given you are older than myself and Valeria and you should still be verile, I think a year maximum is fair to build a relationship one another on the level of familiarity all while planning for a wedding, no? I’m not sure what a proper amount of time would be by your standards. You jump into bed quite quickly so I know with quite a certainty you’re not shy.” 
His eyes narrowed for a moment. “I’m only three years your senior, Vahalia. I assure you, particularly with how many significantly older men have illegitimate running around that I will still be verile in a years time.” He drummed his fingers against the table again for a moment, his jaw clenching. “No, I’m not typically a shy person, but the only person I’ve been terribly quick to jump into bed with was you.”  
"Quick all the same even but once." Vahalia bounced her foot under the table, head tilting a tad as she spoke again, “Well if you were to wed sooner you could very well have a child in less than a year. I suppose that depends on what your comfortable timeframe is. But let's be realistic, there might not be a time you or her ever come to love one another and are simply bound by duty. She might love you until your dying days and you might love her until hers. It’s a game of chance. I suppose you should be lucky she is both young, beautiful, and rich to find something you like about her enough to marry her. She’s certainly more pleasing than some of the prospects that could fall at your feet.”
Ricard exhaled slowly, glancing up at the ceiling for a long moment before closing the files on the table before him. “What my ‘comfortable’ timeframe is will ultimately depend on whether or not Valeria can be trusted. Because that will, ultimately, determine whether or not I am able to keep her safe.” 
“Now trust is important to you? It was never a requirement with me. My, how quick your tune changes. No matter, I have no doubt in my mind that Valeria is trustworthy. She’s far more trustworthy than I, far more good than I. Probably more so than any other woman you’ve ever entertained. Perhaps she should be the one trying to weigh your trustworthiness, Blythe and not so much the other way around. ”
“How quickly my tune changes? Vahalia, I can recall a conversation we had in the bar within the basement of this very building on the topic of trust, the very idea of it. I trusted you, I still trust you because the motivation has always been clear. What was it you said when I found you in that destroyed room? “Power today, everything tomorrow?” 
"I trusted you once but recent events have changed that for you, Blythe."
He shifted in his seat to face her fully. “You’re right, whether or not she comes to care for me, or I come to care for her is entirely up to chance. It may simply be duty at play, we may only sleep together for the sake of creating those ‘future generations’ you keep talking about and then sleep in separate bedrooms for the rest of our lives. Or perhaps it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. I won’t know until it happens. But, if I’m to marry her I need to know that she can differentiate between my business and the family business…and that is the sole demand I have and the determining factor.”
She rolled her eyes and folded her hands along the top of the table, “Let's not pretend like you don’t know what will be expected of you by your own family. I’d wager they’ve been pressuring you about finding a suitable woman the moment you found out your cock could throb. So this notion that I keep pushing the conversation – let's call it for what it is. A very glaring expectation of you both.”
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“An expectation of anyone with a functioning reproductive system born to a house of any standing within Ishgardian society. That expectation would have fallen on you had your sister not returned to the fold. How convenient for you that she has.” He set his elbow on the table, leaning to the side to rest his chin against his hand. “I know what the expectations are, Vahalia, and yes, my parents were more than happy to inform me of what would be expected of me from an early age. But I am stubborn and conforming to the expectations of Ishgardian society was never something I was particularly good at doing. But I suppose we all have to adapt at some point.”
A sharp exhale came from Vahalia through her nostrils and she looked over Ricard giving a small shake of her head, “She will only come to understand the differences between the two if and when you decide to educate her on such things. Another game of chance, Blythe because that too will require some level of trust in her.” she practically scoffed, “Another realistic factor – who is she going to tell? The ghosts in the hall, the family dog? Voss? Please, you and I both know the girl has been gone long enough that she hasn’t a soul to tell her deepest darkest secrets to. She’s practically a walking ball of anxiety. She needs more reassurance, trust and structure than you think.”
Ricard scoffed. “The family dog and Voss aren’t the same thing?” 
He lifted his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve no doubt that she will require reassurance and structure, Vahalia. I was there the night of the attack. I realize that she was on the run for the last four years and while I don’t know the details of what that has done to her, I’ve tracked down enough people to know what that can do to a person. But I also realize that she is your sister and if she has half the charm and poise that you do that in six months or a year, with enough encouragement and enough structure she could very well be a very different individual.”
He set his hand back down on the table before glancing back across at her. “Which all indicates that a more…formal courtship, if we’d like to call it that, should probably begin sooner rather than later.”
“You should take more care in how you talk about her friends if she is to be your wife, Blythe. I’m not even sure where your hatred for Voss stemmed from but I can assure you I don’t even speak like that about him in front of my sister. She doesn’t need to hear the festering anger I hold for people. A difficult task to hold one’s tongue but sometimes a necessity all the same.” she gave a small shake of her head, hand moving to the file before her and she pulled out two pieces of parchment she had drawn up. Of course, she suspected there would be no addendum to things they had previously discussed.
“I was present for his rather unceremonious departure from the company…but you need not worry, I will keep my thoughts regarding the man to myself. There are some things that don’t need to be shared. As I previously stated, your sister will have her freedom, including her choice of friends.
“Valeria is far more charming and likable than I.” she reassured Ricard, picking up a pen and signing the bottom of both the document she had. Signatures for the outlined arrangement and signatures for the detailed information of the coffers. Waiting for the ink to dry she slide the papers in Ricard’s direction, “The moment you sign then you may begin your formalities with and for Valeria. I have no doubt in my mind she will make you a happy, loved man. Most people tend to if they feel the same in return.”
Ricard quirked an eyebrow humming thoughtfully before pulling the documents over when they were offered, eyes scanning over their contents. Even if he already knew what the documents contained because it was what had already been verbally agreed upon, he was a businessman and an information broker, and far too often had he seen things go pear-shaped because verbal agreements had not made it to paper.
Trust was a fickle thing.
Satisfied that the documents outlined the arrangement as discussed he shifted enough to pull a pen from his jacket before adding his signature to both documents, allowing the ink to dry before shifting the papers back towards Vahalia. 
“And so we reach an agreement. You can expect the 15% to begin arriving in your family coffers at the end of this year and I will be calling on Valeria within the next day or so, should she find this agreeable. It’s sure to be an…interesting time.”
Vahalia finished off what remained of her tea and set the empty cup aside, “All well and good. I will be sure to tell Valeria what to expect. How you both choose to go about your courtship is up to you.” she took up the documents, looking them over yet a final time before rolling them up and blotting hot wax to each seam to seal them and press them. Two for her, two for Ricard and she handed two of the now finished scrolls off in his direction.
“There is no coming back from this now.” she added, “I’ll bring these to get recognized in Ishgard later this week when I return to handle some business. At the very least it will save you some time.”
Ricard took the the scrolls, setting them aside with the files. “I had no intention on going back from it after agreeing to it in the first place, but you are correct…it is now official. And once it is in the hands of the clerks even more so. Well then,” he reached behind him, gather his coat and carefully settling it over his shoulders once again, “-I’d best inform my parents of the newest developments. They were quite eager to hear of any news. And Valeria is continuing to reside at your apartment in the Goblet, yes?”
“For the time being. I have made a recent repurchase of our family’s property in Ishgard so she might find some comfort there as well – either or are places of residence you can find her at. More recently she has been present within the company as well since she’s taken a keen interest in possibly working here and meeting new people.”
“Noted. I’ll reach out to her in the next day or so and seek her out in one of those locations. It should be…interesting to see what else she has taken a keen interest in.” He took a moment to adjust his jacket before gathering up the files and the two scrolls. 
“So…forward then.”
“Forward.” Vahalia parroted, hand motioning out for him to take how he wished; it was certain she was definitely on board.
Collab with: @ricard-blythe-ffxiv
Mention(s): @valeria-cress
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museswithinx · 1 year
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look who came to dinner ; a drabble
While both their daughters were leading their own lives independent of Bonnie and Dev, the Bennett-Simses always made time for weekly family gatherings. Sunday dinners had become something of a tradition since the girls both moved out. It was a day when they could all just slow down the chaos of life and spend time together as a family. Even if she did see her daughters more frequently than just once a week, Bonnie was always looking forward to it.
“The lasagna still has about 20 minutes.” Bonnie stated to Dev as she closed the oven back up and grabbed a loaf of the bakery bread off the counter. “I think I’ll make some garlic bread to go with it. Mind setting the table for me, dear? Connor and Levi are coming so we’ll need two extra spots set.”
As her husband grabbed some plates from the cupboard and went about setting the table, Bonnie busied herself cutting the bread and making the garlic mixture. “There’s a bottle of wine in the fridge too if you’ll get that out.” She tells Dev as she starts coating the bread with the garlic mixture. Letting that sit when she’s done, she washes her hands and peeks at the lasagna again when the doorbell suddenly goes off.
“That’s probably the girls.” Bonnie said as she quickly popped the bread in the oven and started heading toward the living room as Dev finished setting the table. “I’m coming!” She shouted as the doorbell went off again. Opening the door, she already had a comment ready at the tip of her tongue about how she’d given them a house key for a reason but she swallows it back when she finds it isn’t Aubrey or Haley on the other side.
“Hello, Bonnie.”
“Mom?!” Bonnie exclaims, utterly shocked to find Abby of all people at her door.
“Can I come in?”
Bonnie blinked at her, still processing some shock. She would’ve been less surprised to find someone like Kai at her front door than her own mother. Abby had abandoned her not once but twice and hadn’t heard a single word from her since. She knew the change from witch to vampire was difficult on her but that didn’t excuse the abandonment. It didn’t excuse the first time either. Clearing her throat, Bonnie straightens her back and the shock is quickly replaced by a controlled anger.
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“Why are you here?” She asks, completely ignoring her request to be invited inside. Mother or not, she wasn’t about to give her a free ticket inside her home. She didn’t even know anything about her anymore and aside from a few exceptions, she didn’t much trust many vampires these days. For all she knew, Abby could have just given in to the dark side.
Crossing her arms over her chest as she awaited a response, Abby appeared to consider her words before speaking again.
“Because I wanted to see you.” She started, earning a look of disbelief from Bonnie. “And I wanted to... Make things right. The word is vampires have one last lifetime before the balance is restored and then we all turn to dust. I’ve made my peace with that but I never made my peace with you.”
“So, what? You want me to ease your guilty conscience for you and tell you it’s okay you abandoned me? Get real. It doesn’t work like that. You left, that was your choice. That’s what you always did when it got too difficult.”
“No, that’s not what I meant...”
They were interrupted as Dev suddenly came up behind Bonnie. He must have sensed the tension all the way from the kitchen as she felt his hand rest on her shoulder. A small and subtle gesture that communicated he had her back. Reaching her own hand up, she touched his to let him know it was okay. 
“Dev, this is my mom, Abby,” she introduced with very little enthusiasm, “Abby, this is my husband, Dev.” 
It was awkward and neither extended a hand to greet the other. Dev knew all about his mother-in-law so it wasn’t exactly one of those warm and nerve-wracking meet-the-parents moment. Abby did manage a small smile though, offering a, “It’s nice to meet you.”
Then her daughters showed up with Connor and Levi, also appearing to immediately sense the tension on the porch. Sighing, Bonnie shot a look Haley’s way because her youngest already appeared ready to pounce, before looking back to Abby. “You can come in.” There was a hint of warning to her tone though. It wasn’t a warm welcome.
Stepping aside for her mother, she received questioning looks from her daughters to which she shook her head. They’d talk later.
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