#not bc he looked weird or terrifying. but bc he was socially awkward | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

patchesproblem · 1 year

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do you have any spare hcs abt karl or joyce 😭 im starved

YES I DO ACTUALLY!!! I think about those two sm like you don't even understand. I really need to talk about them more, tbh.

I have A Lot to say, so sorry in advance for my nonsensical ramblings.

Actual answer under the cut

OKAY SO!! Starting with our favorite pathetic bean sprout.

I'll separate the au hc's and actual main universe hcs just to keep everything semi understandable. It'll have HC's for relationships with Karl, Planck, Einslas, etc. Also including Elysia and Joffrey because siblings can't be separated <3

AU headcanons:

Joyce is smarter than he gives himself credit for. I'm being serious when I say this. It doesn't express itself as obviously as the Einslas, but that's only because his strengths are in other areas. While the Einslas are extremely smart when it comes to STEM, I feel as if Joyce's strong suit is more in creativity. It's hard to exaplain, but think writing / reading and all that. He enjoys learning new information about things he likes (examples include astrology, writing, etc.) and he will often be able to remember details that others normally wouldn't.

He probably spent a lot of his childhood reading stories, and was probably ahead of his grades reading level. He didn't really have many friends because he has social issues, despite the fact a lot of people did actually like him. He just knew a lot of people, but he wasn't really able to form any close friendships until his insane scientist bestie came along. Though that was partially because he just was awkward and didn't know how to talk to others. Was worried he'd come off as weird or get bullied for his interests.

Tesla probably comes to him sometimes to ask for help with her own writing, actually. Although he doesn't write much himself, he's somehow one of the best people to ask for advice LMAO. They probably bonded over their shared passions, even if they are technically different. (Different in the sense of she's into writing, and he's into reading. They go together hand in hand. Idk I just feel like it's a cute little thing. Besties and siblings <33) He also probably proof reads her stuff occasionally when Einsteins too busy to, though he might've had a few objects thrown at him at some points. He also gives her advice / ideas.

Has a fear of people leaving him bc his parents just kinda. Disappeared leaving him with Karl and Emma as his care takers, and Elyisa eventually left soon after because she got married to Eden and all that. Then when Einstein left with Planck it just kinda destroyed him. He's not upset with them, he's actually really happy for them. Though it gets lonely and he's afraid that he'll get replaced (haha Joachim haha. Sorry.)

Probably really close with Joffrey tbh. Does anything in his power to make sure his little brother has a good childhood. He reads to him A Lot, and actively engages in his ideas. For example: if he has an idea to make something Joyce will help him make it. He also encourages him to pursue his own interests even if it's a one off thing. He'll often draw / write with him too. He's very proud of him

Karl is basically his dad at this point. He doesn't treat him as his nephew, but instead he treats him as if he was his own son in a sense. He's extremely proud of him and that someday he'll make a positive impact on the world. Joyce looks up to him heavily, and wants to follow in his foot steps once he gets older.

When Ein originally came he was terrified of her LMAO. She was an absolute menace as a child and lived up to Karl calling her a brat. He was relentlessly teased and messed with by this tiny goblin who could turn on the water works at any second if she felt like it. She still actually is the reason he's called Welt. Though it's because he's the clumsiest mf in the world, so dual meaning there.

She's actually one of his first actual friends, and partially responsible for his love of space. How they became friends is blurry just because it's more of a "she won't be leaving I need to learn to survive" but despite being eccentric, he eventually came to see her as his bestie / sister. Though he's still absolutely terrified of her. He still has zero clue what goes on in her head and that's terrifying to him.

He's absolutely terrified of Tesla too. Both his besties scare him half to death and he's convinced one of these days they're going to be the reason he gets killed, but that won't happen surely. They're at each others throats constantly, and would probably be those two people threatening to kill the other in a waffle house at two in the morning. They want to throw each other through a wall, but also trust each other with their lives. The only man Tesla remotely tolerates along with Karl. They have sibling energy and you can pry it out of my cold dead hands.

Him and Elysia also probably used to be really close. She cares about him deeply, and would drop anything at a moments notice to help him if he needed it. Though she also does tease him often, as a big sister should. Eden acts as a parental figure towards him as well. They both met when he was young, and he grew up with her around a lot so he just started looking up to her tbh.

He originally goes to Lab 42 to become Einslas assistant while he went to university there, and would help them with stuff similar to how he helped out in canon. Though Tesla basically said "Fuck you, we're your superiors now so you'll refer to us as Dr. Tesla and Dr. Einstein now!" and that's how he started calling Einstein Ein lmao. Tes wasn't amused.

They also drag his ass to Alaska. He never wanted to go on work related trips with them after that.

He's terrified of Planck. That's all. He's terrified. Her constant midlife crisis scares him.

Okay so for non AU headcannons:

Tes and Ein 100% got together in private and planned how to torment him. Just Trust Me on this. They were feeling a little bit silly and goofy and just coordinated together on how to torment him next.

Him and Tes' relationship is a little bit different in the main universe, for obvious reasons. Though they stay besties and have sibling energy. Neither of them trusted each other at first. Tes didn't trust Joyce because 1. He's a man 2. He's a man 3. He's a man and 4. She was scared he'd hurt Ein (was also just jealous and scared she'd pay less attention to her but yanno), and Joyce didn't trust Tesla because she's an angry redhead who would probably kill a man if given the chance. Didn't help that she threatened his life and threatened to castrate him within the first minute of meeting him, but yanno it be like that sometimes.

Over time Tes begrudgingly accepted that he wasn't going anywhere for awhile and that she should probably get used to it. While Eins was out they probably were forced to bond, and eventually Tesla realized that maybe he wasn't as bad as she originally thought and slowly began to trust him. Honestly they were best friends by the time he just decided to die like a pathetic person on them. He'd stay up to make sure she got home okay and alive, and he eventually just became her rambling buddy. AKA Einstein was asleep and she just went on long nonsensical ramblings to Joyce while he just went "uh huh.. interesting.. they did what now?"

Probably admitted some embarrassing things to him in all honesty. Though he'd never be able to tell anyone that considering she herself didn't even remember telling him half the stuff she did, and even if she did she'd actually kill him if he said anything about it. Not like he really wanted to, anyways. Was just happy she was willing to talk to him and didn't completely hate him tbh. Was also happy that he could be there for her considering his whole depression thing and knowing how horrible it was to not have someone there for you.

Though she also always cared and worried about him. Her and Ein had read his 'profile' beforehand, and Tesla immediately was scared and concerned when she realized he quite literally was diagnosed with severe depression. Though she'd never admit that and would prefer to pretend she just found him annoying and pathetic LMAO. At least before his death, after his death is a different story. (AKA she finally admitted years later she cared about him to Einstein and still missed having his dumbass around and constantly had to be held back from nuking Otto off the face of the earth.)

Another note I forgot to add that I'm adding after the fact: He was actually amazed by Tesla's knowledge. Like he knew she was smart, but the extent of it surprised him tbh. Especially after hearing how she didn't even have her degree.

With Ein it's pretty much the same, though she's legitimately just an absolute menace to everyone around her. She intentionally dialed it to ten just to make sure that he was terrified of her and never knew what she was going to do next. She did it just for the funsies tbh. Things were going slow in the lab and as much fun as it is to tease Tesla, it was funny to be able to just bully some random man who had no clue what was happening at any given second. Plus added bonus points for being able to still tease Tesla but making it 100% worse because someone else is around and Tes just gets embarrassed and loses it.

VN is basically two lesbians harass and bully some poor traumatized man for an entire month.

That aside, I feel like him and Joachim got along really well. I like to believe that he took him out sometimes to watch him while Einslas were working, and that Joachim constantly asked the Finn to go see the three. While the Einslas taught him to gaslight gatekeep and girlboss, Joyce taught him actual life lessons and tried to negate the 'damage' the Einslas had done. AKA try to make him stop being even worse than them.

He cared A Lot about Joachim, and probably saw him as his little brother honestly. I feel like they spent a lot of time together, even if it often resulted in Joyce being bullied constantly by three people instead of just two. The explosions also didn't amuse him because he's lame and a coward.

He's terrified of Planck. That's all. He's Terrified.

After his death he intentionally hid from Tesla Einstein and Joachim. He didn't want them to find him, and try to bring him back. He felt like he'd disappointed them all and he felt guilty over what happened, and he was scared they hated him and despised him over what happened. He only shows up for Bronya because he knew that she'd be his successor, and even at that he refused to talk because he didn't want to disappoint her too. Didn't want her getting too attached to him, mainly because he's too scared to hurt yet another person.

Had to end it off depressingly, sorry </3 I'm sure you understand.

Was going to do non AU and AU versions for Karl too but like... He wasn't alive near long enough to even have hcs for the main universe. I've just hit him with the dad beam honestly.

Anyways AU Karl hcs <33

He's a dad. Literally just a dad. Will adopt any insane scientist within a 1000 mile radius.

He met Ein similarly to how he does in canon, and managed to convince her parents to let him and Planck allow her to continue her studies at a college level. Ever since then he's basically become her dad, and that's how she views him. Has accidentally called him dad before.

For a majority of the time he was one of Eins main mentors, though as time went on and he became more busy, Planck began to become her teacher.

He's awkward, and is kinda oblivious. Very Oblivious. He tends to not over think peoples words, and doesn't even think that there's a second meaning in most circumstances.

For the most part he's extremely dedicated to his work, and has issues with accidentally over working himself. All he wants to do is help others, even if it causes himself issues. He's often extremely busy and running about.

Though he also is extremely dedicated to his family and cares about them more than anything. If ANY of them needed anything, including Tesla, he'd drop whatever he was doing to make sure that his family is okay. He loves them all.

I'll have to add more later, but a lot of my thoughts have simply disappeared. I'll dm you on discord when I put more for Karl LMAO.

#nikola responds to asks #magicalmyu #honkai impact 3rd #welt joyce #karl gustav #I have a lot more but like #brains dead #sorry it took so long to respond to this LMAO #nikolas posts

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weebsinstash · 2 years

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block him and don't think too hard about it. it's okay if you feel bad, but keep him blocked. just do it and push it to the back of your mind! definetly a walking red flag cut him off and you'll be good!!

Well like. I keep telling myself "oh, give this dude a chance, maybe he's just extremely socially awkward, maybe he's from another culture and he doesn't realize this is weird" but like. Here

Like uh. Am I talking to an axe murderer or something or does he genuinely not see this as bizarre. This dude dodges questions like Matrix bullets. I'm almost wondering if he's testing how gullible and weak willed i am or something. And guess what 💀 my dumb ass never blocked him bc I brought up he was coming off as really creepy and he apologized and shit but like. This kind of. Reeks of. I dunno. It's very bizarre. Said he liked my name and wanted to see if I wanted to be friends but he said that only after I had to question him so. Now I just feel like if I block him now then I'M the asshole. Which is fucked up right?

Also like even if he wasn't acting sketch as fuck he says he lives in Florida and he's 24 so 1. He's younger than me 2. Florida sucks and 3. We could never meet in person or whatever so idk what his game plan is. I lowkey feel like he's looking for girls to try and get them to send nudes or something. His English is also kind of off to me which doesn't inherently mean anything but idk it just makes me think of phishers and scammers

I would just. Also like to point out. How it just. Is really jumping out to me that my trauma manifests as risking my own safety to placate others. Because I can list so many things wrong with this entire interaction and im sitting here talking about video games with him because I feel guilty to end the conversation 💀 fucking. Stupid ass voice in the back of my head "but what if you block him and hurt his feelings 😥 you don't want to make someone SAD do you"

Like dude if you're seeing this right now this entire thing has given me so much fucking anxiety about randomly talking to people. Straight up the only reason I replied is because of THIS blog and I assumed maybe he knew me from here or ao3 but. Nope! Just homegrown lonely dude randomly hitting me up?

God. God. Fuck. This is actually really starting to piss me of, less now about him even and more about how I can't even. Choose for myself. Protect myself. I dont know. Jesus. Every time I'm about to go through with it I either get a new nice message that makes me feel bad for considering it or. I dunno. I dunno how to even verbalize this. I guess I have a psychological idk THING about being terrified of upsetting people (i guess because my brain instantly correlates someone being angry or upset with the immediate threat of physical violence onto myself, thanks dad)

this is not even like. The only weird message I've ever gotten. I feel bad even talking about it because Im the one having the conversation and letting it continue. I should just try and smoke and sleep soon. I've been working overnight shifts now and when I get off work I just feel too drained to deal with this kind of thing. Idk. Hopefully I make some sort of decision soon so I can at least stop beating myself up over the indecision

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asterlark · 3 years

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ok. samwell college of music au. i wrote all four years let's go babey

eric bittle is this lovely southern tenor (sounds kinda like mitch grassi or ben j pierce) who posts covers (& sometimes originals, but always with neutral or no pronouns because he can't post anything that says he or him ☹) on his youtube channel and has major stage fright but is very talented; he also plays ukulele

he got into samwell college of music on a voice scholarship and his dad doesn’t exactly approve but eric was never the 6′2″ masculine football player he wanted anyway so why not go for his dreams

he auditions for the very competitive samwell men’s contemporary chorus (there’s like 20 choirs; chamber choir, jazz choir, a cappella groups (lax bros do a cappella), combined choirs, etc- smcc does contemporary pop/rock music) and while he’s very very nervous and shaky as he auditions, directors hall & murray see a lot of potential in him (with major grumbling from student director jack)

(the rest of this ridiculously long au under the cut)

the group is small, for a chorus, because the point of the group is not a wall of sound but a focus on all of the very talented guys’ voices coming together in these gorgeous harmonies and basically they’re like one of the best choruses on campus and all the male singers want in

so there’s jack zimmermann, who of course eric knows because everyone knows who he is, he’s the son of bob and alicia zimmermann, both incredibly talented and famous musicians, and basically those genes were in his favor because he’s mega fucking talented

(jack was supposed to sign a recording contract to be in a band with his best friend kent parson when he was 17 but something happened between them and the pressure was too much and jack overdosed on something- there’s so many rumors no one knows what’s real- and kent signed solo in LA & went on to win grammys for his albums about a mysterious ex and jack disappeared for a few years to be a counselor at a music camp and reappears at samwell, knocking everyone’s socks off again like he’d never left, except with a renewed vigor and intenseness that freaks everyone out)

jack is a contemporary writing & production major, freaky talented and sings like a modern day frank sinatra, and he plays like 20 instruments and can read music like breathing air and writes songs like if he stopped he’d die; his music is folksy and mournful and he plays all the instruments on his tracks himself- guitar, piano, strings, drums- it sounds like a full band but nope. just jack. he’s intense

“we all get nicknames in this choir,” justin informs eric on his first day, “we’re those kinda guys.” so he’s bitty, which he finds vaguely offensive (bc he’s not that short!) but still cute, & the rest of the group is introduced to him:

“shitty” knight (voice like colyer) is a musical education major and an enigma of a singer with this awesome, earthy, raspy voice that’s really interesting to listen to and a very.... unique style & look; he writes cheesy but shockingly good raps about social justice topics and he will sing-lecture you if you’ve said something offensive (he also plays banjo)

justin “ransom” oluransi is a music business & management major with an angelic voice you can’t help but listen to; he’s sultry and has an incredible range and does runs like nobody’s business (with a voice like daniel caesar or leslie odom jr UGH)

adam “holster” birkholtz is a voice performance major, wants to be on broadway and it’s all he ever goddamn talks about basically, he’s a belter and has a lot of charisma and starpower and he’ll charm the pants off of you within one note; can also play piano and irritates everyone constantly because his regular volume is like a level 11 (voice like the frontman of my brothers and i combined w/ x ambassadors lead singer)

larissa “lardo” duan is at the local art institute because performing arts is not her jam and she’d much rather paint; she’s a barista at annie’s and supervises open mic nights and keeps the annoying choir dudes from driving away all her patrons

“i’m not even in your dumbass choir,” she says when the group gave her her nickname. holster just told her that she was an honorary member and then started sing-shouting a song at her about how good she is

bitty’s first year is hard because he’s talented and he works hard but he shies away when anyone asks him to sing outside the group and like, he can sing to a camera by himself but being on a stage with everyone looking at you and the sole responsibility of the song on your shoulders is terrifying and no thanks

jack does not. understand this. he’s been performing practically since he came out of the womb and he doesn’t really get performance nerves (what he gets is anxiety about how he did after he gets off stage that follows him home and makes it so he can’t sleep) - so he bothers bitty about it constantly like “you just need practice, you just have to sing by yourself a lot and then you’ll get over it” which like.... that’s true but it’s also hella scary and bitty’s like “no thanks!!!!”

but jack’s annoying and intense so he makes bitty do open mic with him every saturday night and it’s going okay and bitty loves his choir and loves his school and these new friends he’s making and he finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them during his second term

then during their spring choral showcase at the end of his freshman year bitty has a solo and he’s worked really hard on it and he’s feeling good- okay he’s completely freaked out but he’s trying to feel good- but when he gets up on stage there’s so many people and the stage lights are so hot on his face and he flips out a little and maybe he passes out from anxiety and stress right on stage and it’s terrible and he’s so embarrassed and ashamed that he ruined their set at the showcase

of course jack blames himself because “we shouldn’t have given you a solo before you were ready, i misjudged it, i’m sorry” - and they all feel kinda bad bc holy fuck they didn’t know his stage fright was that bad like they didn’t know someone could pass out just by being anxious to sing

he practices all the time over the summer and goes to his local open mic at jack’s insistence and it actually helps a lot because instead of a sea of strangers judging him it’s a bunch of people he knows and they’re all smiling at him and when he finishes his song they cheer for him and it boosts his self-confidence a lot

his sophomore year they have three new members- chris ”chowder” chow (voice like ieuan), an excitable music education major with impressive rapping skills, derek "nursey" nurse (frank ocean or leon bridges type), a songwriting major who can also play violin and guitar, and will ”dex” poindexter (like tom west), a production & engineering major who tried out with chowder bc he needed moral support and didn't expect to get in but impressed the directors with his voice

the year’s going pretty good, bitty’s still pretty scared of singing alone but more confident now and the open mic nights with jack haven’t stopped, so he’s getting better. and one night they’re hanging out at annie’s after closing waiting for lardo to be done so they can walk her home, and bitty suggests that jack sing with him one of these nights, and jack says he doesn’t know any of bitty’s songs and bitty says they can write one together half jokingly but then jack is like “yes.” with that Intense Look

SO they get together a couple days later in jack’s room at the house they all live in together (bitty moved in at the beginning of the year after previous smcc member john johnson called him- how’d he get his number?- and told him he could take his room if he wanted), jack with his guitar and bitty with his ukulele, and it’s a little awkward until bitty says jack should play him one of his songs

and, okay, he doesn’t really know what to expect because the only music jack ever released to the public was that one single he did with kent parson when they were 17 so bitty doesn’t even know if he has anything to play him, but he does- he starts playing these soft, sad notes on the guitar and opens his mouth and sings about being lonely and scared and unsure, about false starts and shaky ground and not knowing where you stand with someone, about expectations and lying awake at night and wishing so hard you were someone else, and bitty watches him sing and just kind of... realizes he’s head over heels for this boy and internally Freaks Out a little

he tries to put that aside and they start to write this song, at first it’s weird because jack’s like “all your songs are love songs i can’t really relate to happy love songs” and bitty’s like “listen... i’ve never even had a boyfriend i just write a bunch of sappy love stuff because it’s not about me it’s about whoever’s listening to it, they’re gonna project their own experiences on my music anyway so it doesn’t matter if it’s my real life or not” and jack’s like “alright while fake af that’s smart and i respect you” (what bitty doesn't say is that he writes about what he really wants which is to fall in love & be in a happy relationship)

they say they’re just gonna write this kinda vague sad song but they both secretly write lines about their actual lives so it ends up being really personal and real and raw for the both of them

they sing the song at open mic that saturday and the crowd at annie’s is never that big but they’ve never got a standing ovation here before, and some girl shouts “MAKE AN ALBUM” (it may or may not be lardo) and they both blush furiously and bitty’s like “... that was really nice, jack” and jack’s like “... yeah it was good good job you’re really getting some confidence out there nice work” (bitty: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AAAAH”)

around this time jack’s really thinking about what he’s gonna do when he’s done at samwell, talking with his parents and his agent and looking into different record companies and deciding if he wants to sign with anyone or possibly start his own company- the head of a small company called falcon records in rhode island has been talking to him a lot, and jack talks to bitty about how he thinks it’d be nice to start small, and the record exec georgia and the producer marty had both been really nice and welcoming, and bitty’s so happy for him but also just... sad that he won’t be around jack every day after he graduates

THEN at a haus party celebrating their win of a local choral competition, who shows up but none other than pop star kent parson to Ruin The Fun

bitty sees the way jack pales when kent walks in, notices them disappear upstairs together and feels a little sick worrying about jack but chalks it up to the highly alcoholic concoction shitty and lardo had cooked up but nonetheless decides he’s sick of the party and goes up to his room and hears.... a little too much

and YIKES he’s standing right there and kent parson, pop star, two-time grammy winner, is looking a little rumpled and staring right at him and he puts his hat on and clears his throat and snaps at jack- “hey. well. call me if you reconsider. but good luck with rhode island. ...i’m sure that’ll make your parents proud.” and jack’s shaking, and bitty doesn’t know what to do but jack goes back into his room and bitty’s just kind of standing there like What The Fuck

so.... he kind of stews over winter break but tries not to think about it too much and he and jack text a bit and jack tells him to practice and bitty’s like “oh, you” and jack’s like “im serious” and bitty’s like “>:( it’s christmas”

spring semester starts and they're doing well in competitions and they go to semifinals and then finals for a prestigious collegiate choir competition and the pressure is mounting but they all are so optimistic and really feel like they're on the same page and bitty’s confidence is better than ever and then.... they don't win

jack especially takes it very hard, but then he also has signing to worry about, which everyone helps him with and he decides to sign with falcon records and start work on an album after graduation

speaking of graduation, shitty and jack graduate and it's hard for them but harder for bitty who feels like he's losing jack in a way, he knows how intense jack gets when he's making music and it doesn't feel like he'll have any time for bitty anymore so when they say goodbye bitty goes back to the haus and listens to his and jack's song and just cries

but, like in canon, dadbob has words of wisdom to impart and jack has an "oh" moment and races across campus to kiss bitty

they get together and the next few months are spent with jack working nonstop on his album (which tbh, he'd had many of the songs written already so it's mostly recording and producing) and texting bitty constantly and coming to visit him and playing him demos of all the songs

jack also asks bitty if they can record the song they wrote together & have it as a bonus track on his album & bitty says of course, so when jack visits they set up an impromptu studio and record vocals in the guest bedroom and this deeply personal song they wrote before they were ever together means so much more to them now

and bitty is so happy but so scared and sad too because jack is playing him these songs telling him "they're all for you bits, & a lot of them are about you" and he just doesn't know how he's going to keep all this love inside even though it feels like jack's career is at stake

he tries to shove it down and stay strong though, especially since he's now an upperclassman and they're taking on new members- connor "whiskey" whisk (voice like finneas or the male singer in valley), a music business/ management major who seems to hate bitty's guts and tony "tango" tangredi (like chaz cardigan), a jazz composition major who astounds everybody with his endless questions but also his ridiculously impressive composition skills & naturally perfect pitch (he can also play saxophone??)

i want ford in this au so fuck it she is a composition major with dreams to write scores for musicals and she stars training as a barista at annie's (aka training to corral the smcc)

the pressure of it all proves to be a lot and bitty and jack have their hi, honey moment where bitty's like i can't be this deep in the closet!!! and so they tell the smcc and also jack's label that they're together and that eases things a bit

jack's album comes out to much critical acclaim and shouting in the groupchat ("#1 ON ITUNES BRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!") and several months later, when smcc has already been eliminated from choral competition in an earlier round, jack is nominated for SEVERAL grammys including best album, song of the year, and best new artist

when the time comes he takes his parents and bitty on the red carpet which, everyone keeps being like "who are you here with jack?" and he's like "my family and my good friend :)" and yes it is awkward

jack wins... all three awards. it's the comeback everyone is stoked to see and when his third win is announced, he and bitty are so elated that they kiss before he goes to accept the award

his speech is basically just "um... wow. thank you. i just kissed my boyfriend on live tv. this is amazing and i'm so humbled. i'd like to thank my boyfriend and georgia and marty and my parents and my friends and my boyfriend"

obviously the press has a FIELD DAY with this but bitty & jack are honestly vibing and so happy that it doesn't matter untiiiillll bitty's mom calls and he has to tell her "mama i'm gay and i'm going on tour with jack this summer okloveyoubye"

the last few months of bitty's junior year pass quickly and he's voted student director which is a huge honor considering how much he struggled with stage fright and confidence & how he'll now be stepping into ransom & holster's shoes

r&h and lardo all graduate (the smcc basically crashes the art school graduation and all scream when lardo gets her diploma lmao), which is a bittersweet occasion and they all do a bit of tearing up

that summer bitty goes on tour across the u.s. & canada with jack and his touring band (snowy is a bassist, tater is a drummer and poots does backing guitar, he also brings nursey to play violin on a few songs) as well as georgia who's there to manage logistics

and tour is so fun & chaotic with many bi and rainbow flags in the audience that end up thrown on stage and draped around jack's neck and they spend so many nights in the bus drinking and laughing and fooling around on the guitars and bitty's uke and exploring new cities bitty has never been to before and it's the freest bitty has felt in a long time

summer ends though, and jack leaves for the uk/europe leg of the tour, and with the new school year brings a few new members- river "bully" bullard (voice like gregory alan isakov), a music therapy major who draws his own cover art for his songs, lukas "louis" landmann (like jr jr), an electronic production and design major with a penchant for EDM, and johnathan "hops" hopper (like keiynan lonsdale), a film scoring major who wants to write music for movies and video games

bitty meets and befriends some of the other student directors- shruti, sd of the women’s contemporary chorus; sharon, sd of the chamber choir; and edgar, sd of jazz ensemble (even chad l., sd of the all-male a cappella group)

senior year passes similarly to the comic; coach visits and sees one of bitty’s competitions, jack comes to madison for christmas, smcc does well in competition and goes to regionals etc

however… bitty keeps putting off and putting off gathering the songs for his senior recital

he has a hard time doing that because he’s so focused on the group and making sure they’re performing well and as they advance in competition, everything else starts to fall away

eventually the rest of the smcc has to lock away his uke and change his youtube password and FORCE him to choose songs for it and start preparing because he cannot graduate without doing this recital and doing well on it

he chooses (of course) a beyonce song, a few of his own songs, an ellie goulding song, and an adele song

with all that his breath hitches and his hands shake before he goes on stage, he does really well and his voice instructor prof atley tears up a little in the audience as does his mom

meanwhile smcc goes to semifinals, then finals, of the national collegiate choral competition they participate in

and i imagine bitty faces somewhat less homophobia in this au because i mean, he’s in the performing arts, but i think it’s still there and he also faces a good amount of classism from richer students and performers who think they’re better because they had the resources and money to be performing professionally from a very young age, and he has been practicing via filming himself on a shitty camcorder and posting it to youtube

but they still get there! and the national finals are fucking HUGE and a big deal and a little overwhelming

bitty’s stage fright is Present because this is the biggest stage and the biggest stakes he's ever had and he has a big solo in one of their songs so if he fucks up, he fucks up a national championship for his whole group and school

luckily though, when he steps on the stage with his best friends and sees his boyfriend and family and smcc alums in the audience and they perform their first song, a high-energy pop medley that always gets the crowd going, everything seems to melt away and it's just him living in this moment and singing his heart out

when it gets to the next song and his solo, he forgets to be nervous and belts it out, getting screams of approval from the audience when he finishes

(dex and nursey do have a duet together that they had to practice for many long nights in the practice rooms alone but that's neither here nor there)

their time on stage seems to last both hours and no time at all and then they're done, the crowd gives them a standing ovation and it's at least 30% r&h & shitty's hooting and hollering and jack's enthusiastic clapping that makes bitty & the others beam with pride

then it's just waiting, giddy and nervous beyond belief in their green room, for the judging to be over

after what feels like forever they're back on stage, arms linked together waiting and hoping for their name to be called and it is, they win and it feels like years have built up to this moment, and bitty tears up because years ago when he was fainting from anxiety at having to perform in front of people he never could've imagined that he'd do this, that he'd be the student director that led them to a championship

they get the trophy and a ridiculous amount of flowers from their loved ones and they all are just in giddy disbelief that this is happening, they're national champs!!! they are the best choir boys in the nation!!

they come home and the rest of the school year passes by so quickly that it's very suddenly graduation and bitty can't believe his college career at samwell is over 😢

(he and ollie and wicky take pictures together, o&w talk about how excited they are to devote full time attention to their band & wedding planning and bitty's just like wait you're gay??)

bitty got plenty of offers from record companies but he likes his freedom of creativity and he has a built in fanbase from doing youtube all these years so he decides to make an album independently (jack helps him produce & master it 🥰)

when bitty's album comes out about a year later, full of bops about being gay and in love and having struggled but come out the other side more confident than ever, it doesn't get any grammy nominations- and he didn't expect or need that.

what it does do is it resonates. it makes the rounds in youtube and queer internet circles; people his age reach out to him saying this is the music they wish they had as a kid and kids reach out to him saying he's a role model and they're so glad to have his music to listen to. his album is written about as an underrated gem that shines with queer brilliance and is sure to start a party when it comes on.

his parents may not fully understand the road he's chosen for himself but they're still so proud and promote the album as hard as any of his loyal fans (especially the one country-inspired song on the album that he wrote and dedicated to them).

and jack, jack who saw this album from its infancy to its release date, who took the film photo that ended up being the album cover, who worked with bitty to make sure his vision was realized exactly how he wanted it to be, is proud beyond words.

jack starts using his semi-abandoned twitter again to tweet "stream [album name]" every day and bitty retweets them sometimes, with just a "this boy. ❤"

and they're happy. they're good. they have come so far and they are reaping the rewards of all the hard work they put in to make the music that they truly love.

the end :)

#check please #omgcp #samwell college of music au #mine #my writing #eric bittle #jack zimmermann #omgcp fic #check please fic #zimbits #uhh idk what else to tag #this fucking thing is like 4.1k words i'm-#i hope you enjoy it (and reblog it!) bc i've been working on this for literal years #i know i'll never actually write it as a longform fic so here's a bullet pt fic instead #pls let me know your thoughts i have so many things to say about this au

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heyitsyn · 3 years

Text

RANDOM SEIJOH HCs ACCORDING TO GIGI

a/n: this is a thing i cooked up between doing trig exam and ap gov review akdsjfldskfj

IM PRETTY SURE I ALREADY USED THIS GIF BUT IM WANTING TO RE-DO MY ENTIRE PAGE AND MAKING BANNERS SO THIS IS A TEMPORARY THING AJDJDJJD ALSO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THE KEEP READING THING ON THE APP BYE

oikawa def listens to indie music just bc he wants to feel unique and the 'iM diFfErENt fRoM oTHeR gUrLs' vibes

i FIRMLY BELIEVE IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CHOMPS ON HIS ICE CREAM BC HE LIKES TO FEEL THE COLD ON HIS TEETH AKSJSKSKSK

meanwhile kunimi eats a kitkat like its pizza just CHOMP

makki caNNOT sleep without a pillow between his thighs LIKE LISTEN he has 2 sisters and they all told him its so comfortable and at first he was like,, ??,, then he tried and now cant sleep without it

bUT MATTSUN LIKES TO SLEEP WITH PILLOWS SURROUNDING HIM bc it makes him feel safe and like there are two body pillows on either side of him and hes kinda trapped in the middle aksjskdk

when kyo was younger, he was really short and although he had other pants, he loved this one pair but they were really long on him and he wore it all the time and the part of the pants that touched the ground is torn in shreds

kindaichi steps on the sofa before sitting LIKE puts one foot on the cushion then the other until hes literally standing on the couch before folding to sit with his knees up to his chest (i do this)

watari sniffs his food before eating it no matter if its something he eats all the time or something new, he still sniffs it either way

yahaba is really particular with his feet and he likes to get a really big tupperware (duh one only meant for his feet) and fill it up with warm almost boiling water and he just soaks them

oikawa has sleep paralysis and he oftens hallucinates about aliens in the corner of his room

kunimi does this thing where he makes weird noises with his mouth like sounds of his mouth opening LIKE when youre tastinf something new and you do that sound with your tongue (I DUNNO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT AJDKSKKD)

makki bends his knees just to crack his ankles

iwa sneezes a ton but he has those sneezes where theyre quiet that you dont even notice or really loudly that it just echoes throughout the gym

kyo sleeps with one sock on bc his feet gets cold easily but both socks make him feel really hot so only one sock is perfect

for a tall and hunk of a guy, mattsun is a very light walker like his footsteps are very light and if he wants to, it can be practically silent

watari actually hates vegetables ajssksksk he particularly hates zucchini, eggplants, any vegetables that are that shape

kindaichi likes to stick or lean against walls because to him, they feel cold and can decrease his body heat

oikawa stands and places his feet at V position like \/ instead of ll because his sister did ballet and he was taught that was the right way of standing and it was considered graceful

yahaba has a fear of cactuses

mattsun does so badly in the heat because his body temp runs so high and the hot surroundings make him feel so uncomfortable and so he takes a lot of cold showers

iwa cannot swim like he freaks out immediately when his toetips can no longer feel the bottom and he panics with thoughts of drowning

watari has really small feet that he still buys big kids shoes to save money

kyotani considered playing baseball because he thought baseball bats were cool but he got angry and threw tantrum after missing his first pitch

iwa chomps on a whole raw chili while eating ramen akskksks

oikawa actually hates sweets bc when he was younger, he had cavities and iwa showed him a cartoon of cavities eating his teeth and will make him toothless

kindaichi really really likes hugs but hes too awkward to ask them even from his parents

yahaba chomps on mints so he goes through boxes of them in a week

i feel like theres a boy in the team who doesnt brush their teeth everyday and rubs a towel on their teeth to make it look clean and take mints to hide their bad breath

iwaizumi is actually iron deficient so he bruises super super fast and he even developed iron defiency anemia when he was younger bc his parents didnt catch on which caused him to be put on strong medication for months and still takes it now

WAIT,, OIKAWA IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT BUT HE LIKES MILK SO HE EATS MILK BREAD TO MAKE HIM FEEL NOT SO BAD OR GUILTY OF CONSUMING STRAIGHT DAIRY

seijoh four bonding time is watching gordom ramsey shows and yelling and screaming 'YEA! EXACTLY!' as if theyre also cooking genuises

watari used to eat grapes all the time until his mom got worried and told him if he doesnt stop, he will eventually turn into one. he only eats it every few weeks

when he was younger, kunimi cried because he had befriended a chicken on a trip to a farm and his mom took him to eat fried chicken after and he thought it was Chicky (his chicken friend :"))

kyotani used to stick out his tongue when it was raining so he could taste the raindrops. they taste better than bottled water

one time, during a seijoh sleepover, they dared oikawa to wear his sisters old uniform, skirt and all, and it backfired so everyone turned red and couldnt look at him in the face

their pregame ritual is touching each other's shoe tips

they tried doing yoga at yahaba's house before by watching yoga youtube videos but everyone ended up having to go to the chiropractor after (how did makki even turn into the human pretzel?)

the local gym gets so scared when they see the team coming through the doors bc these men are so LOUD like they HYPE EACH OTHER UP SO MUCH THEYRE SO ANNOYING AKSKSKDK

also never take them to an all you can eat sushi place. if you do, bring them earlier of the day like 30 mins after opening time so the cooks can cook enough for them without running out of ingredients (even then sometimes they still run out)

oikawa used to eat his mom's roses from her garden because he thought it would make his farts smell good like roses

takahiro is a surprisingly good artist like he draws really cool action fighting scenes in the corner of his papers and stuff

in my work: it's canon that iwa is half filo and his nanay used to dress him up in a barong all the time during halloween bc she wanted him to showcase his heritage

yahaba drinks a lot of milk because he hopes to one day grow strong and bulky like the 3rd years instead of being seen as a pretty boy

kindaichi's mom is a hairstylist and she always scolds him for using a lot of gel bc she's always the one who washes his hair

makki never learned how to do taxes and hes had the government knocking on his door a handful of times (BOKUTO AKKDJSKKS)

kyo has a dog: a chiweenie

there's someone on the team who wears those socks with individual pockets for toes

their pinterest is so different from what they look like for example, mattsun has a board of different flower decorations and arrangements

kunimi throws up during intense horror movies

watari's celeb crush is emma watson

the team alternates from different music genres like from ateez and bts to mxmtoon and beach bunny

they still dont know how to pronounce camila cabello's name

theyre all active in social media but only oikawa is on it 24/7 and in all platforms while the others have insta and snap

mattsun has twins as little siblings and he used to get them mixed up all the time that he used to draw a sharpie dot on the girl's forehead to determine she was his sister

watari hates sitting on the floor bc his butt bone hurts really easily so he can only sit on cushions for long periods of time

the team was supposed to have a party but everyone didnt know what to bring so they proved they shared the same braincell by bringing the same thing: a box of pizza

makki's an old soul and prefers to play records on a record player or watch old movies

kyo is surprisingly good at giving massages because he really pushed hard on those tense muscles

kindaichi knows how to crack necks so everyone goes to him a lot to do it (a friend of mine does this and can i say its terrifying yet so good?)

the only one who has a license is matsukawa and thats because granny needs to go to the doctor a lot and he hates her walking by herself and cabs are expensive

kyotani and yahaba are actually,,, lowkey close,,, not like best friends but theyre nice to each other and they got a stick and poke together (yahaba's was: :) while kyo's was: >:))

watari has a collection of mangas (some bl maybe 👀)

WARNING SAD: mattsun’s future job is a funeral person right? he ends up taking care of granny’s funeral free of charge and he had to take a week off because it was really painful for him

oikawa learned spanish SUPER fast to the point he forgets japanese sometimes but there are moments where he forgets both languages and hes just,,,, ???

makki’s unemployed yea but he rooms with mattsun in exchange of cooking because makki’s surprisingly good at cooking

iwa is practically the nutritionist of the team because he knows everything about proteins, carbs, iron, and needed vitamins so they all go to him to know what to eat and what they need

kunimi has lots and lots of shoes but usually only wears 2

kindaichi has a habit of pretending hes chewing gum even though he doesnt have gum, his mouth just chomps and moves with air akasldfjkf

there was a clown phenomenon in america but in their city, they had a mascots and seijoh 4 went around scaring kids :”(

oikawa never manspreads he gets too insecure to spread out like that akdjfkd

kyotani can easily sleep anywhere like he would be standing and just fall asleep or he sleeps with his eyes open

yahaba’s parents own a restaurant somewhere in the city and he works there sometimes

IM REALLY GOING TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS YALL AKSDJFKL

SORRY IM WRITING TOO MUCH I FEEL BAD THAT I HAVENT UPDATED BUT IM IN A CAR RIDE RN AND I WAS ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN AND MY EXAMS HAVE FINISHED THIS WEEK IMMA CRY

PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH ANY OTHER HCS YOU GUYS KNOW OF SO I CAN PUT IT IN HERE AND CREDIT YOU WITH IT SO WE CAN HAVE LIKE A HCS BOOK FROM EVERYONE BUT THIS IS WHAT I STARTED WITH

oikawa screams a lot according to gigi but he’s actually a really quiet guy and not easy to scare

OKAY YOU GUYS DONT KILL ME I SWEAR IVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE AT WRITING BUT YOU KNOW WHO TURNED ONE TODAY? THIS PAGE!!! MY BABY IS ONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 ANYWAYS, HOPE THIS CAN MAKE YOU GUYS SMILE TODAY AND SCHOOL ENDS NEXT WEEK AND IM ALREADY AT 132 DRAFTS AMSJKSDKSK SO OH MY GOD THERES GOING TO BE SO MUCH COMING AND IM SO EXCITED TO GET THEM OUT 😩😩

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barry-j-blupjeans · 2 years

Note

I would love to hear about the Kravitz training fic as well as the Lucretia can't get out of bed fic.

the kravitz one is primarily kravitz being a huge nerd who needs more friends and not hiding it very well sldfsd. i like the hc that he's literally The Only Reaper before lup and barry and thus doesn't really interact with anybody besides death criminals and Literally Gods every day. talking and dating taako has for sure helped his social skill but to be completely honest, taako is not the best person to relearn ur social skills from sldkfsd. it's about!! him and lup n barry actually growing closer as friends and moving past their weird "you're a lich and im dating ur brother" awkwardness.

a baby snippet:

To be completely honest, Kravitz was both terrified and thrilled to be training Lup and Barry. He had been the only reaper for- what? Over six hundred years now, at least. He had colleagues now. Well, he was technically their boss, but same difference, right? Same difference. They could split up their workload. He could show them the ropes. Kravitz hasn’t been able to show anyone the ropes, ever. He’s nervous. He’s excited. He’s like, ten percent scared of both of them.

They had both been able to keep a stable form as a lich for over twenty years now. That was as impressive as it was horrifying. Granted, they weren’t liches the whole time. Barry definitely hadn’t been and Kravitz didn’t exactly know how Lup’s whole umbrella situation worked, but it didn’t sound great.

Point being: Kravitz had to train them. And now that Lup had her body back, it was prime time.

and the lucretia one! chronic pain lucretia my BELOVED!! this one is primarily about 1) chronic pain, 2) trauma, 3) luce relearning how to trust her family bc she might have been the only one to keep her memories but she fuckin forgot how to trust ppl!! for good reasons, i guess. it's a lot of her trying to hide her pain/things she lost in wonderland/just the emotional mess she is while also trying to run the newly reformed B.O.B smoothly.

another lil snippet :O :

There’s something to be said about the fact that Lucretia does not want to get out of bed. There was something to be said about the way her joints ached and her muscles grumbled. There was something to be said about the way her hand hurts when she lifts it up, barely high enough to cast a spell to close the curtains (because, yes, she’s burning a spell slot on that). There’s something to be said about the twinge of pain when she sets her hand back down, or the relief when she finally doesn’t have the sun in her eyes anymore.

The thing to be said about it: Fuck. Fuck, shit, piss, damn. This was terrible. She felt like shit.

Still, she had things to do. Places to be. Meetings to… meet. Notes to… note?

Gods, fuck, okay. She had to get up.

She… didn’t.

The idea of moving, of getting out of bed, putting weight on her already aching feet, using throbbing arms to do… arm things. It felt impossible. She had painkillers in the bathroom, but the bathroom was so far away. Lucretia groaned, peeking out from under her blanket to look across the room. The door to the hallway stood ajar- she could see further, to where the bathroom entrance was. It was just a matter of getting there.

She’d like to say she wasn’t startled when her stone of farspeech went off, but, alas, she couldn’t. To be fair, she had been so deeply mesmerized in the growing distance from her bed to the bathroom that she didn’t see that the stone had lit up until it was ringing.

#please ignore any and all typos thank u #i am speaking #asks #hellawrath #thank u for the ask !#ise cube answers

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rainbow-dot · 3 years

Text

Aight, these are my theories for WANDAVISION:

•MORE THAN OBVIOUS THAT WANDA IS CONTROLLING EVERYTHING. Proof: First Vision tries to pass that door with her but she is not able to pass like Vision said “I only can pass myself trough objects/humans and i can’t bring anything/anyone else w me” but then Wanda changes that at her like by making Vision pass with her trough the chair. When Vision’s boss is dying Vision doesn’t do anything, when he actually could have done something the first moment he saw him choke, but he just looks at Wanda waiting for her to give him the command to save him, also the Boss’ wife tells Wanda to “Stop it” not her husband. Also, the Boss was choking bc he was humiliating Wanda when he was asking about the marriage and she didn’t know the answer. Dottie also tells Wanda that she doesn’t like them and she is very mean to her, but then she wins the talent show, meaning Wanda made that change to. At the end of ep 2 Wanda sees the “Beekeeper” and she confidently says “no, u are not going to get in here, this is my life, my choice” and just turns back time.

•AGNES IS DEFINITELY AGATHA HARKNESS, she is a bad witch and i think that she is with Wanda in this, like maybe Wanda called for help and Agatha just came as a godmother fair lol and told her about pocket dimensions, she maybe sold it to her like a “good thing” but maybe she is just trying to extract Wanda’s magic for herself cause our girl is super powerful and everybody wants this. Now what i think about this part is that Wanda really kidnapped a whole town and made them be part of her simulation and Agatha introduced herself in there and she is the only one that Wanda can’t have control over, if you see Agnes in ep1 when she brings food Wanda tries to get her out of there, which will usually work with anyone, but it takes a lot to make her go, also Agnes comes back again at the front door this time making Wanda nervous, in ep2 she also humiliated her by saying that her clothes are a bad choice. Then, in a trailer (i don’t remember which one exactly, maybe the second one where Vision is dressed for Halloween) Agnes is dressed as a witch and literally gives creepy vibes, that’s also a sign of what is she.

•Okay so bc Wanda kidnapped the whole town and created a magic shield for no one to enter, S.W.O.R.D appears (you can see the logo in the Beekeeper and also Monica in one trailer for a split of sec) bc S.H.I.E.L.D is like half dead at this point so they take over and tries to reach to Wanda thought the field, but maybe they make her angry cause suddenly Monica Rambeau is in the dimension acting a lil strange so Wanda just kidnapped her and put her there but bc she is like a well trained agent (and basically the next Captain Marvel) she somehow gets to fight over Wanda’s mind control and tries to reach out to her real herself, but it blurry and messy. Like when she meets Wanda she hesitates a little bit to answer when she asks for her name and is very nervous around Wanda, like she is terrified, maybe her subconscious is telling her to be cause Wanda is her captor.

•ALSO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT AND EXCITED THING FOR ME. Are we getting an X-Men crossover?? Cause S.W.O.R.D is mostly composed of X-Men members like Beast, Cable, Magneto, ABIGAIL, etc. so maybe we getting Cable or Magneto? this guiding by Deadpool’s change of timeline, but maybe when Cable said that he would stay around it was in order for him to be part of S.W.O.R.D or sum? (which btw, will be super weird seeing Josh as Cable in MCU after him being Thanos lol maybe Wanda is gonna kill him looool) BUT WHAT I KNOW IS THAT if you go to cast list for WandaVision on google you get Evan Peters as “Quicksilver” old if they made a mistake and they wanted to put Aaron instead of Evan, but if we get Evan that officially means that X-Men are coming into MCU now that Disney bought Fox. If we get Aaron it will be fucking amazing, but... i don’t think is happening...

•WHERE IS WANDA’s ACCENT AT? She is supposed to have an accent, like in every movie, but suddenly she doesn’t have it. Could this be bc she is kinda ashamed of herself? like she wants to pretend she is not Wanda Maximoff, the one that everyone fears of, the Sokovian chick that hurt people by accident.

•LASTLY, COMING BACK TO VISION, notice how imperfect he is? he is a robot and in AOU he is presented as a perfect being who knows everything except human emotions/actions, he indeed tries to understand them but as we take a look in Infinity War while he tries to be human we see him stiff, still very robot like, knowing and sensing everything which kinda annoys Wanda bc she just wanted to be with him in peace. Well in the series he is awkward, very socially awkward, he also forgets things, like the 23 heart heart thingy, he really acted like a typical husband, just exactly what Wanda wanted, a typical relationshiop where husband forgets things and then messes up, but the funny thing about that part is that he says “I know everything” but he didn’t know what 23 heart meant, Wanda made him imperfect with real human struggles.

anyways, i need more of this show.

(edit: i know i made grammar errors, forgive me but english ain’t my first language and after all these years i still make mistakes while writing, also i was very emotional and excited while writing this lol.)

#wandavision spoilers #wanda #wanda maximoff #vision #marvel #disney #disney +#monica rambeau #agnes #agatha harkness #SWORD #SHIELD

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 5 years

Note

thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers ! another ask for u : im soo afraid in the next chapter momo will be homophobic towards ht !! I mean except Zzx who seems at ease with his sexuality, the other boys all seem kind of homophobic. Jy called ht repulsive bc he called him pretty while he was a guy, Ht is very agressive in his advances (which i linked to toxic virility which entails homophobia) ; then both of them changed for the better bc of their feelings for another man. 1/?

Good evening, dear anon-san!

“thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers !”

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them! Every time people send me questions it always makes me happy and to be honest, a bit taken aback because I’m just a little old me. But I’m glad my answers have had such a positive reception and given people food for thought. And it’s always a pleasant surprise when people feel like they can come to my ask box with their interpretations and strike up a conversation.

Homophobia is a very complex topic, and I wondered where I should start to unravel this ask. But soon I realized before I can even begin that I have to take a moment to sort out my own feelings. Whenever people say the boys in 19 Days are abusive or homophobic for whatever reason I tend to get ticked off. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, often sparked by my own bias, but something that can very easily cloud my answer and make it unfair for you. Exchanging interpretations and perspectives requires a level of objectivity and the ability to rise above your own bias. I can’t dismiss something just because it uncomfortably pokes my nerve. Instead, I should take a step back, try and see things from another point of view, and find some common ground.

I’m not saying I had to struggle to agree with you on anything but your ask certainly reminded me of how challenging yet rewarding it is to actually listen to an interpretation that differs from my own and try to objectively look at the story from that point of view. It hurts your brain at first but is surprisingly freeing in the end.

Because you addressed so many things in your ask, I will tie my answer together under the theme of homophobia and give it some structure that way. This will be my great 19 Days - homophobia edition. \(^v^)/

Sexual orientation and environment

Let’s start with the biggest context you brought up in your ask: social and cultural environment. I’m not familiar enough with Chinese culture to have anything definite to say about its attitude towards LGBT people. Of course, I’ve heard of the discrimination and even blatant hate by their government but I don’t have any idea about how ordinary, modern-day Chinese people view others with different sexual orientations. Not to mention, it’s always risky to take fictional works as an accurate representation of the milieu in which they’re set.

But I do think that 19 Days discusses homophobia in societies, though on a more general level. As Jian Yi has come to realize his feelings towards Zhan Zheng Xi, we’ve also gotten glimpses of his struggles. They’re surrounded by other kids in school, and from the very early chapters it’s been implied two guys being that close together or comfortable with that level of skinship turns people’s heads (ch. 53, 54, 55, and 57):

Of course, those panels also poke fun at the stereotype of girls being interested in cute guys being cute together. The girls stare, take pictures, and even smile knowingly. This bothered ZZX because it put him in awkward situations and created misunderstandings that would be embarrassing to correct. And the more he would try to deny and correct them, the more he would probably end up looking suspicious. But the bottom line is, he was increasingly conscious of the weird looks and attention JY’s antics were attracting and didn’t want people to get the wrong picture of his friendship with JY. All of that could give us some hints on how two boys being close might be viewed by their peers, but it should also be kept in mind that those kinds of “gay panic” moments are a big part of the humor you find in 19 Days.

Having a crush on someone of the same gender gets more serious tones after JY kissed ZZX (ch. 142)

The secret was finally out in the open. JY had carried his feelings in his heart for a long time. He had wanted to confess them so many times and often hidden them behind jokes and antics. Perhaps every time he had jumped to hug ZZX he had caught a whiff of his scent and enjoyed the feeling of him in his arms. But to take the definite last step of confessing and lifting that curtain had always terrified him. And who wouldn’t have been scared? Not only would you have to come out but also risk losing your childhood best friend. It could be JY had even thought of never telling ZZX about his feelings because it could go horribly wrong.

For a while, things are somewhat put on pause after the first reveal which I found very realistic. JY wasn’t flat-out rejected but ZZX most definitely needed a moment to sort out his own feelings. He pestered JY to be straight with him (pun not intended...) and made it clear it would be safe for JY to rely on him and free himself of the burden. Despite that JY was still very unsure if his confession won’t result in ZZX abandoning him because “gay” is abnormal and disgusting (ch. 164):

Even when JY finally confessed he was expecting to be rejected in disgust (ch. 209):

But he had sort of reached the point of just finally getting it all out even if ZZX wouldn’t return his feelings. Even if it meant they wouldn’t be friends anymore. At least he had said it. He had heartbreakingly little faith that their kind of relationship wouldn’t be completely doomed. Thank god he had fallen for someone like ZZX. I don’t think I’ve never been as grateful for a character like him before.

A tangible example of how Zhanyi and their environment collided was Xiao Hui’s character (ch. 158):

When she called JY a disgusting gay, it was the first time he was facing that kind of homophobia. Though her actions were frustrating, I think Xiao Hui’s character was a good addition to Zhanyi. At first, she lashed out both because she was hurt and publicly humiliated but also no doubt because she had internalized the idea that heterosexuality was the norm and anything else was abnormal and wrong. Later on, she had had time to lick her wounds and calm down (ch. 258):

She still has a crush on ZZX but even though she probably realizes she doesn’t have a chance she still wants a clear rejection from ZZX. It still hurts and stings but doesn’t upset her as much. It could even be she’s a little happy for them. I think Xiao Hui’s character is a good example that people are capable of changing and reflecting when they’re given a chance. And no one should be forever held accountable and punished for the mistakes they made and have since bettered themselves.

In a broader sense, I think Zhanyi also discusses what kind of future a same-sex couple could have in society (ch. 268):

That drawing on the wall is my favorite Zhanyi moment. As cute as ZZX drawing him and JY together was, it also carries some bittersweet undertones. The original drawing represents the norm: a boy and a girl in love but if there are no skirts involved, it’s a whole other story. To be open about their relationship would most probably never be an option for JY and ZZX. Something as simple as holding hands in public would take courage and threaten to complicate other aspects of their lives (school, work, family). They don’t have the same privilege as straight people to openly and safely share their feelings and have that universal experience.

Your ask was mainly about Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about their environment since you also referred to it. And the easiest way for that seemed to be to talk about the progress of Zhanyi. As you suggested, it does seem the society in which all of the characters live is very much heteronormative which puts pressure on the characters to fit in. And if they fail that, they will face homophobia and most probably feel the need to hide their true selves. Case in point, Zhanyi.

Boys being boys

As much as I know that phrase is deemed Problematic™ these days, I think it fits the dynamics of the boys of 19 Days. They mess with each other, and all of that is typical humor for the comic. Personally, I’ve never taken any of their teasing and good-natured bullying seriously because it’s how 15-year-old boys are around each other.

However, I just finished talking about the environment under which influences and discourses the boys have grown up. I don’t feel like I can ignore what I had just been saying and brush it off as “oh well, they’re just boys” if they’ve always been surrounded by certain attitudes. Does that mean the boys have also internalized those attitudes towards gay people despite having feelings for someone of the same sex? Does that make them a representation of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia?

In all honesty, I’m struggling to answer those questions. On one hand, I do agree that society’s norms of what is masculine put a lot of pressure on boys when growing up. You have to act, talk, dress, and be in a certain way to be accepted, and it doesn’t take a lot for kids to internalize those ideas. And as you said, acting or looking gay (not to mention, actually being one) is probably the worst a young boy could be. Being gay is often linked to everything a proper man shouldn’t be: sissy, effeminate, sensitive, weak, submissive, on the bottom. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand, do I think you can see that in the four main boys of 19 Days? I suppose it’s possible if that’s the direction you want to take. If you look at anything through those lenses, you can probably find toxic masculinity everywhere. Do I think HT, MGS, JY and ZZX are homophobic because they possibly showcase traits of toxic masculinity? I guess. I don’t know. I see where that interpretation comes from, but some part of my brain never manages to make the full connection between those two. I’m constantly having a feeling that my way of thinking differs from your interpretation but I can’t properly validate or argue my opinions.

Perhaps taking a look at the examples you mentioned might help. You talked about JY being homophobic when this was his response to HT calling him good looking (ch. 108):

I can’t exactly deny that panel couldn’t be taken as toxic masculinity. I might even agree with you on that. I wouldn’t probably go as far as saying JY was being homophobic but it does seem like his masculinity was threatened or questioned in that situation. Interestingly, I’ve seen that phrase pop up a lot in yaoi/shounen-ai comics. Characters who are in a gay relationship don’t often feel comfortable with guys complimenting them - or even the guy they’re in love with. I’ve always wondered that. Does that mean there’s a level of self-denial in those characters or is it just a cultural thing? Does it embarrass them?

In general, I think all of that has to do with their age, and another good example of that would be ZZX and JY’s reaction to HT messing with MGS (ch. 289 and 298):

I’ve seen people calling those moments homophobic as well and can’t really agree with them. I would say those reactions have more to do with teenage boys being awkward and embarrassed. HT putting the moves on MGS in front of them is embarrassing and something they don’t wish to see. I mean, I wouldn’t want to see my friends constantly acting like that around me either. Seeing public displays of affection embarrasses me and makes me awkward as hell. (Though, I don’t know if that’s just a Finnish thing...)

In short, I see a lot of how the boys act around each other just natural to how teenage boys are. They mess with each other and standing up for yourself in that sense (for example, getting revenge, being physical, or returning the verbal teasing) is important and typical. That’s how I see JY’s words in the example you mentioned: he felt like HT was messing with him and shot back. All of that could, of course, be seen as internalized toxic masculinity, but I don’t think it’s quite as blatant as people sometimes make it out to be. I’ve always taken it as boys just being boys and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

What comes to HT being pushy and overbearing, I don’t see that being connected to toxic masculinity and making him homophobic because of that. It feels a bit of a stretch and shakey. Instead, I actually think HT is quite comfortable with both of his own feelings for MGS and the idea of same-sex relationships in general (ch. 187):

The little heart-to-hearts JY and HT occasionally have also show us that despite often making fun of each other, they can take it more seriously when needed. JY would have never asked about having feelings for another male if he couldn’t trust HT wouldn’t make fun of him.

The case of Mo Guan Shan

You talked a lot about MGS, so I thought I’d take a closer look at his character separately. You made some interesting points I’ve also been thinking about and was glad they popped up in your ask.

Since we’ve talked about toxic masculinity so far, let’s continue on that. You mentioned that MGS is prone to homophobia because he’s had to act tough. Upholding a certain kind of image is essential in gangs. Being weak and submissive - aka gay, as I talked about above - isn’t an option in that line of work.

I agree with you on all of that. Why MGS is so uncomfortable with HT being physical with him is at least partly because he can’t come across as someone who can be taken advantage of (ch. 250):

If he can be physically overpowered and made vulnerable, it means he can be submitted. In the masculine world, physical strength seems to be the final and ultimate law that settles all the disputes at the latest. And if you lose in that you’re on the bottom or at least lower on the hierarchy. Now, multiply that mentality by a lot to fit it in the world of teenage gangs and the borderline criminal underworld. So, yes, I would most definitely say MGS doesn’t want himself to be put in that situation. Much less anyone finding out about it.

Then again, the story has kind of revisited that idea when HT “joined” MGS’s gang and his underlings started seeing HT around more. And they seem somewhere between intimidated by HT and impressed their boss has managed to make someone like HT call him “brother”. That fits the same mentality of strength, but I can’t honestly see Buzzcut or other members of the gang giving MGS a hard time even if they found out about HT’s affections. Chances are, they would be even more impressed, bless them.

Overall, I think MGS lashing out (or being homophobic) is mostly due to him not trusting HT and HT slowly but surely wearing him out and making him see his own prejudice against people like HT. Yelling out insults has been the easiest way to fight HT’s affections, although it’s not proven very successful. It’s also important to remember MGS is fairly inexperienced when it comes to love and romantic affection (ch. 222):

He’s always been rejected and discriminated by his peers and over the years, he’s started to mirror that behavior and push people away. Having crushes (let alone having a girlfriend) has never really been a concern for him. And it’s not like he’s had time for something like romance anyway because working has taken so much of his time. In this regard, MGS isn’t that mature or experienced and tends to get uncomfortable and lash out very quickly.

I’ve already talked about the note and what kind of role I think it will have (if it will be addressed at all). And I’m not really worried about MGS saying something homophobic to HT. I think we’re way past of him being like “I don’t speak to a homo” at this point already. He’s been aware of HT’s affections for a good while by now and even tentatively warmed up to some of it (for example, the aquarium date and the studs). (Even though, I think it’s still too early to talk about MGS being in love with HT.)

MGS has come a long way, and I might even say he’s gained some sexuality-related maturity on the way. Slowly but surely, he’s become comfortable with having HT around, and if after all this development he would say something like that, it would be a pretty big step backward. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t throw insults and lash out but let’s not forget we’re talking about a purebred tsundere here. That’s always going to happen with him.

And while we’re keeping it real, it’s not like HT would pay any mind to those insults. After MGS asked for the studs, I think HT’s resolve has only strengthened.

I hope this answer makes some sense, to me it feels like a bit of a mess of this and that. A lof of “I can’t deny that but still...” You really threw some hard questions and challenged my thinking a lot. Thank you!

#19 days #tianshan #zhanyi #Jian Yi #He Tian #mo guan shan #Zhan zheng xi #answered ask

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cncoh-damn · 5 years

Text

Director AU

In which (Y/N) is an aspiring director/producer whose mother and father are a director and producer respectively. And did we mention that they own what’s possibly the biggest production company on the planet?

General Headcanons:

you’ve got a squad of your own, and the ages are practically identical with the guys’ ages. except for the part where you’re born in 2000 and not 2001, unlike Erick. and your squad has twins, they don’t.

each member of your group has like this persona that everyone associates with said member.

the oldest of your group is Elodie Bauer, who isn’t really the most mature person, but damn if she can’t throw a party. it’s kind of why everyone calls her the Party Animal.

then there are the twins, Kiana and Kiara Mirren, whose parents just so happen to own the biggest talent agency in the Western hemisphere. between the two of them, Kiara is much more quiet and demure, though she has a reputation for being unpredictable, hence her reputation as the Wildcard. unlike her twin, Kiana is a creature of habit, and one of them includes being the mom friend. for a while, you all considered referring her to as such, but it didn't quite sit right. Sweetheart, on the other hand, did.

the second youngest is Alexandria Roxas, a half-Filipino whose family belongs to a successful line of celebrity entrepreneurs. with her flair for the dramatics, everyone took to calling her Drama Queen, something she takes as a compliment despite the obvious negative connotations.

finally, there’s you, (Y/N) (L/N), and your parents own a production company known for hugely successful films, be they foreign or not. as you aspire to be a producer and director, you picked up quite a few tricks, especially in editing, but this isn’t where your greatest asset lies. despite being the youngest of your group, your professionalism and maturity are second to no one in your age range, earning you the title of Girlboss.

How You Met:

you first met the guys on the set of Reggaeton Lento Remix, when Jade came over to meet them while they (CNCO) shot their parts of the music video.

honestly you were just there to grab the footage so you could start editing

but then they weren’t done yet so you just went to a corner and started editing the footage you did have

like after you introduced yourself to them, the director told you that they weren’t done filming so you just went ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ before plopping down in a corner

the guys were kinda weirded out/intimidated bc you sounded hella professional even if you looked like you were Erick’s age

but it lowkey didn’t stop Chris and Erick from tossing a few flirty comments your way

and then when they were done you introduced yourself again but in a nicer and chiller way

Before: “(Y/N) (L/N), I’ll be editing the video and splicing the footage together.”

After: “Hi, I’m (Y/N), and I’m really excited to work with you guys!”

the difference was staggering

plus you wound up as a translator of sorts that day because GOOD LORD JADE’S ACCENT IS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND EVEN IF YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE IS ENGLISH

not that you minded, you had a Spanish test the next day and it really brushed up your skills so yaaaaaayyyy

still, they were all kinda shookt af when they found out you were just a year older than Erick

Jade: Yeah, she’s a lot more machuad (y’all know this is how she pronounces matured lmao) than most kids her age.

Relationships With Them:

Christopher Velez:

ooh boi

first time you met, you literally didn’t believe he was the oldest

Chris thought you were vvvvvv cute, let’s just get that out of the way

and he flirted with you a lil bit

but you didn't notice bc you were editing

BUT you did give him a random compliment

like you looked up and he was fixing his hair

and then you said "Su pelo se ve bien" in accented asf Spanish and he was shookt

but he appreciated the compliment

and then you went back to editing before he could strike up a conversation whoops

but then y'all went to dinner and ofc you tagged along, and even if his English wasn't as good as Joel's or Richard's, he understood enough to know when you exposed someone

and he's like "damn mami is savage"

tl;dr: You're oblivious to his flirting but he's a fan of how savage you can get.

much later, you two become close bc you wind up laughing at Erick's jokes at the exact same time

Richard Camacho:

like with Chris, you didn't notice him much bc you were editing

but you managed to hold a minute-long conversation with him bc they were on break and you didn't know where the bathroom was

plus he was the first one you saw (and ngl, you were more comfortable speaking to him bc you’re both short)

so you shuffled up to him and was like “Um, sorry to bother you but... Where’s the bathroom?”

RICHUKI WAS SHOOK

the difference was, as said before, pretty shocking

total 180 degree turn from mature and professional to awkward and smol

he gave you directions ofc and internally you were like phew he speaks English bc it’d be awkward af on your part if you had to repeat it in Spanish

so during dinner you wound up sitting across him

and you have this habit of swinging your legs a little when bored, so you might’ve accidentally kicked him a bit

when you noticed that, you apologized a lot. like you even offered some of your dessert bc you didn’t want him to be offended

I feel like he wouldn’t take it personally tbh

later on, when y’all get to know each other a bit more, he kind of becomes your main bro figure. not brother figure, because that’s Zabdiel, but bro figure.

and sometimes, if you’re in the same area, you end up babysitting Aaliyah

you’re a good bro, he’s a good bro

why else would you constantly call each other out on your bullshit

Zabdiel de Jesus

deadass the first time you saw him you were like oh shit

not that anyone can blame you, he’s tall asf and you’re tiny

for a good while you didn’t really talk to him

until Jade roped you into a conversation she was having with him, Joel, and Erick

internally you just sigh. socializing. niceee.

note the sarcasm

ANYWAY, when Joel gets a call, he leaves right? so Zabdiel and Erick are stuck there and from the looks on their faces you can kinda tell they don’t understand what Jade’s saying

so you scoot a little closer to them and hope your Spanish isn’t as bad as you thought it was bc you explained what she was saying

(Y/N) (L/N): video editor, aspiring director, now part-time interpreter

not that you were complaining ofc, it’s like studying for a test!

anyway after that you kinda stuck with them for a bit if only to help them understand what Jade was saying

you might have bumped into Zabdiel a couple of times

and that’s when you learned he’s actually a bit of a gentle giant

so yaaaayyyy

tbh you thought he was the oldest; he seemed the most mature of them

he’s definitely the first one outside of your own squad that you contact when you need help

he’s brotherly like that

gives great advice to you

and you lend a listening ear when he needs to let off some steam so it’s a symbiotic relationship you two have

Joel Pimentel:

honestly, your relationship with him can be described with one phrase: sass-offs.

but it wasn’t like that in the beginning

you and Joelito were pretty shy towards one another

UNTIL he saw you going through puppy pictures while you waited for the footage to render

and then you two talked/fawned over puppies in your corner

damn he spent most of his break there

so when Jade roped you into the conversation you didn’t really feel too awkward

but when Joel left the awkwardness came back

it was a pleasant surprise for you and him that you managed to get comfortable with Erick and Zabdiel, even if you were on translator duty that time

bear in mind that at this point both of you thought the other was a little cinnamon roll

but when dinner rolled around, he had to reevaluate his opinion of you because goddamn you didn’t hold back

every time you were about to spill the tea or roast someone, you would calmly sip your iced tea before speaking

sometimes the tea wasn’t the shocking bit, it was the way you said it

something in his mind just clicked and went oh when you first did that

needless to say, he showed a bit of sass too and you were living for it

SASS BUDDIES

it’s terrifying when both of you are on Twitter at the same time

think Joel’s sass but doubled and more subtle

that’s you

it’s gotten to the point that the rest of the guys try to keep you and Joel from being on Twitter at the same time

but nah, they can’t keep you two apart for long. platonically ofc

Erick Brian Colon:

you’re both the babies of your respective groups and that’s something you’re quick to tell him

so you two kinda bond over that, but not too much just yet

one of the first things you tell him is “Nice bowling skills” as a reference to the music video for Reggaeton Lento

yes bitch, you watched all their previous music videos to get a feel of sorts for the aesthetic they match for their music

while you’re lowkey gloating at how there’s finally someone on set who’s younger than you, Erick might’ve already been developing a tiny crush. on you.

but you’re a.) oblivious and b.) busy editing the video so you don’t notice

poor Erick

needless to say, he tosses flirty comments your way more than anyone else

but it doesn’t quite catch your attention.

what does, however, are his jokes.

yep. you don’t know enough Spanish to get a perfect score on your tests (yet) but you know enough to understand his shitty jokes.

Erick probably had heart eyes when you laughed at his joke

and that, ladies and gents, is where your friendship with Christopher Velez and Erick Brian Colon began

even if Erick still had a crush on you.

After y’all finish eating dinner, you grab the footage and fly back to LA because you had classes the next day. Friday of that week is when you contact Clara to set up a meeting because you’ll be done editing it Monday next week.

It’s a vid conference with CNCO and Little Mix where you send the video to them and let them watch it while you wait for their opinions. They all love it, of course, but the girls have worked with you before and know what you did.

Perrie: How much sleep did you get?

You, mildly sweating: Uh, eight hours.

You: In the past three days.

And that’s how Little Mix exposed your nonexistent sleeping habits in front of the guys.

#cnco imagine #cnco imagines #cnco headcanon #cnco headcanons #cnco fanfiction #cnco fanfic #christopher velez imagine #christopher velez #richard camacho imagine #richard camacho #zabdiel de jesus imagine #zabdiel de jesus #joel pimentel imagine #joel pimentel #erick brian colon imagine #erick brian colon #little mix are mentioned too

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thechocoboos · 6 years

Text

Cor with a Daughter HC

Hey guys, it’s ya girl, thechocoboos, here to deliver some Cor HC bc he’s great!

In this scenario, that weird fucker Verstael makes female clones alongside the normal ones (so yes there are female MTs in this AU) and Cor steals one when he takes baby Prom away, so uh... It’s a mess, but it’s a cute mess.

So Cor was the one who stole baby Prompto away right? Right. So, turns out, Verstael made a female clone as well (that also means that in this au there are female MTs)

And guess what? Cor stole one of those too.

Just picture this: a scuffed up, young Cor Leonis on the run from the Empire with two little blond, freckled babies in his arms. I know. It’s cute.

Anyways

Cor knew he was supposed to return both babies, but the second he looked into the girl’s cornflower blue eyes, he knew he couldn’t give her up

It hurt enough to give up the boy after getting so attached in only a few days, but when she looked into his eyes, he vowed he’d raise her as his own

She had been so calm, merely sucking on her thumb while her brother (what he could only assume was her brother) was wailing his adorable little head off

Even so, he saw the fear in her sparkling blue eyes and promised that she would never have to feel that fear again; Papa Cor was gonna raise her in a safe environment

And he did.

He turned baby Prompto over and had to watch as he was put in the foster system, but he quietly adopted the girl as his own with no one knowing where she came from save for Regis and Clarus

Everyone else? Well, he simply told them that she was the niece of a distant relative that was unable to care for her

“Aww, that’s so sweet of you!” or “Aw, look at you bein’ a big ole softee.” is what everyone said, and it was always followed by, “What’s her name???”

“Poppy.” she may be the same poppy from the actor au but who knows

Papa Cor raised Poppy well

He always gave her the best toys and always, always left work early so he could pick her up from daycare with a warm smile and all

He’d pick her right up in his arms, earning a cute bubble of laughter from her and he’d ask, “How was my little princess’s day?”

All the women in the area swooned (me too)

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows

In the beginning, Cor was terrified. He had no idea how to raise a child, and he didn’t even have baby furniture for a week (not to mention his apartment wasn’t babyproofed either like y i k e s)

He only survived through the help of his elderly neighbor, Gertrude. She was the mother of four kids and had more grandkids than he could count

But she was always willing to help him. “It’s not often that I see a single dad tryin’ to make it on his own like this,” She told him a couple months after he adopted Poppy, “But it always warms my heart to see a young father trying so hard. Keep it up, young man.”

And he did.

He stuck through it--through the potty training, through the tears, tantrums, incessant babbles and the waking him up in the middle of the night

He stuck through it all and never regretted it

When Poppy said her first words, he practically shouted for joy and even called Regis and Clarus up and the day after? Oh man, the trainees were scared to see such a smile on Cor’s face (he actually went easy on them that day so it was pretty nice for them)

Cor kept pictures of her in his office and always had a small pic of her in his wallet and i swear to you, if he ever had the chance to bring her up in conversation, he would brag and brag away

Poppy really liked reading and wasn’t a big fan of athletics or fighting, much to Cor’s relief

He tried keeping her away from politics and such, didn’t want her questioning too much, ya know?

Still, he knew he’d have to teach her basic combat, just in case (plus he knew one day she’d start dating and he didn’t trust those teenage boys…)

And he did. And surprisingly, as much as Poppy hated it, she was really, really good at it

Cor figured her out-of-nowhere skills at combat were due to the Empire, but he was more relieved than not that she hated fighting; it gave him some reassurance that she wouldn’t ever abuse her skills

Although it wasn’t a big concern in the first place, his daughter was pretty damn soft-spoken and shy; she hated conflict and fighting more than most

Overall, she was a tame kid

She followed the rules, listened well, was a fantastic student… Honestly, Cor counted himself lucky that she was such a good kid

Although whenever he mentioned it to Clarus, Clarus would only chuckle and say, “Yeah, you raised her that way, Cor.”

It always seemed strange to him, that he--a gruff, tough soldier--could raise someone so sweet and shy, but there many more moments where all he felt was pride--pride for himself and pride for his daughter

Still, Poppy had her faults: she had too big of a heart for her own good

She was always trying to bring in hurt animals or asking if they could get a dog or a cat (Cor ended up relenting when she was 10; they ended up with an elderly cat named Haggus and Poppy swears he’s the kindest cat ever)

And then there was her trusting nature. She was incredibly trusting and understanding; Cor was terrified that she’d get taken advantage of one day (all though, deep down, he knew she wouldn’t. At the end of the day, she was a Leonis and he raised her to be reasonable and carry a healthy amount of suspicion)

Sometimes when she was still little, he would worry about her getting into some shit or something going wrong and when he did, it would bug him in the back of his mind until he went to pick her up from daycare (he always gave her tighter hugs on those days)

Cor raised Poppy as his own, but he also told her that she was, in fact, adopted when she was around 11. He didn’t want her to find out through someone else and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could avoid questions about her mom or the strange barcode tattoo (he always told her to keep the barcode covered, and he was always so firm about it that she never dared to do otherwise)

Of course, he didn’t tell her the entire truth. Yes, she was adopted, but he still stuck by the story that she was the niece of a distant relative and eventually, Poppy stopped asking

And as previously mentioned, Cor kept Poppy out of politics and the Citadel

Like, there were a few times when she went to balls or social events (and everyone would always coo over how cute she was) and sometimes Cor might take her to work with him (when she was young), but outside of that, she was never really in the Citadel, not even when Cor was training her

However, whenever she was there, she ended up being around Noctis

There weren’t very many kids there besides her and Noct--sometimes Iggy (maybe Gladio, but he was always with the adults), so they often ended up hanging out

She’d see Gladio around here and there, too, and was pretty curious about him, but Noctis was always super reluctant to go talk to Gladio (let’s face it, Gladdy was probably a dick as a kid and tried to act older than his actual age, so basically, no fun for Noct)

They’d giggle together and run around the Citadel, playing games and goofing off while the adults went around with their boring chatter

Despite how much fun they had, those few social events a year were the only times they saw each other and as they got older, Poppy was able to stay at home instead of attending

So then, they stopped seeing each other at all

Cor always felt a little bad whenever she would ask about Noctis, but he was determined to keep Poppy and work separate (something he was very good at doing)

Still, despite all of Cor’s attempts, Poppy and Noct ran into each other again in high school

They were pretty quick to befriend each other again after a few weeks of awkward small talk, and when Cor found out, he couldn’t help but feel a tad annoyed (I mean, he’d been trying to keep her away from politics and shit for years)

Of course, through Noct, Poppy got to know Ignis very well (he was often in the background of those damn social events when they were kids, so they knew each other existed for sure)

Ignis was fairly fond of Poppy. He always said that she might be a good influence on Noctis.

Gladio was aware of Poppy and she was aware of him, and tbh, they thought the other was pretty damn cute but they never really interacted beyond group outings that centered around Noct (tho they would become surprisingly close down the line)

And Prompto? It was a bit of a weird thing

In summary: their first meeting was weird as fuck

Noct was the first one to befriend Prom, and the first time they properly met, he was absolutely S H O O K

Prompto was so similar to Poppy. They had the same freckles, the same cornflower blue eyes, same shade of hair… They even seemed to have the same inflections in their voices

The longer Noct was around Prompto, the more similarities he saw between him and Poppy and tbh… it weirded him out

And theeen… Then, there was the day that Prompto and Poppy met

Noct offhandedly mentioned that Prompto would be joining them at the arcade, to which Poppy eagerly agreed. Noct had mentioned Prom quite a bit, so at that point she figured that she should meet him

“Oh! I found Prom!” Noct said later, nodding his head towards Prompto’s familiar silhouette, “Hey, Prom!”

Prompto turned around of course, beaming as he walked closer to them in the arcade, “Hey, Noct! And you’re Poppy, ri-” He froze when he saw her

Her mouth was open to speak, but she couldn’t help but freeze when she saw him only a few feet away

It was like looking at a weird, distorted version of herself

Noct kept glancing between them, “Shit, I didn’t realize how similar you guys were until now.”

Luckily, it broke whatever weird spell they were under

Prompto managed to laugh it off and they had a quick, very awkward introduction before moving onto the arcade

It was strange and surreal for both Poppy and Prompto, and honestly, at first? Awkward as hell

They didn’t talk much to each other and seemed to be avoiding one another as best they could

Poppy even ended up going home earlier than planned, giving Noctis an apologetic smile and saying something about how her dad wanted her to help him with some pie (Cor hated pie so it was a bald-faced lie)

That evening, Cor could tell something was up

“Thought you’d be out with the Prince until pretty late.”

Poppy tried to dismiss his statement with a shrug, but Cor’s steady gaze and open silence pushed her for more info. “Just wasn’t feeling it. Met another one of his friends and it was kinda weird, ya know? His name’s Prompto and he’s plenty nice enough but…”

It clicked into place, and with a stoic nod, Cor didn’t ask any more questions. Internally, however, he was beating himself up

He knew very well it was the same Prompto he stole from the Empire with Poppy and he knew something like this would happen with her hanging around the Prince so often

It was only a matter of time before she pieced together some kind of connection and honestly? Cor wasn’t sure what to do when she did

Luckily for Cor, it was a long time before that happened

In the meantime, however, Poppy and Prompto somehow got over their awkward avoidance of each other (it was defo thanks to Noctis)

They ended up clicking very well. They’d finish each other’s sentences, laugh at the same damn stuff, freak out at the same things, and they were absolutely fantastic at teaming up together

Simply put, they became best friends. Noctis and Ignis were surprised at how well they got along, especially after the rocky start to their friendship, but at that point, they were practically stuck at the hip

Cor was uneasy as hell when it came to Prompto

There were times when Poppy’s friends were over and he was strangely tense (although he would always tell Poppy it was just at surprise at seeing the Prince in his apartment with his advisor and bodyguard)

Still, it was only a year before Noct left for his marriage to Lunafreya that Prom and Poppy found out about their barcodes

They had been goofing around like normal before deciding to try their hand at making cheesecake in Poppy’s kitchen

She didn’t want to get her long sleeves dirty and rolled them up, figuring that Prompto wouldn’t notice her wrist in their goofing around

Unfortunately, there were a few minutes of comfortable silence when he did

And boy did he clam up

“Uh… Poppy, is that uh, a tattoo?”

Poppy freaked out about it of course, “Uh, no--it’s just one of those fake stick-on tattoos ya know?” She had tried to lie her way out of the situation

“Oh--that's, that’s cool…” He didn’t believe it completely, “But,” but he had to try, right? “I actually have a similar one! Haha,”

“You do?” The seriousness in her voice was enough to cut all humor out of the room

“Y-yeah,” and he showed her.

Poppy felt the closest to understanding her damn tattoo than she’d ever felt before

Neither of them knew what it meant, but they felt an intense sense of solidarity and there was an unspoken pact between them from then on

They never really spoke about it for a long time, and Poppy never asked Cor. She was almost too scared to; she didn’t know what it meant and didn’t want to break their small family apart trying to figure it out

When she finally did find out, she was worried that Cor secretly hated her and that she was an abomination

Of course, Cor ended that pretty quickly. She ended up having a breakdown one night, and it was all Cor could do not to break down with her

He knelt down to look her in the eyes, holding onto her hands with his own just like whenever she fell as a kid and he wanted to cheer her up

“Poppy, you’re my daughter. I took you from that place and raised you myself. The second I looked you in the eye, you had me wrapped around your little finger. I could never hate you, not for spilling my favorite beer or waking me up when you were little, and definitely not for where you came from. You’re my kid, Poppy, and nothing’s gonna change that.” He managed to give her a shaky smile and earn one from her too, wrapping her in a big, comforting hug and making all of her worries disappear

“I love you, dad.”

“Love you, too, kiddo.”

Look i just love this ok. Give Me Papa Cor or Give Me Death.

B/c I’m a slut for a happy ending: Poppy did go on that road trip with the bros but guess what?

Luna lived, Noctis lived, they both got married and had some cute kids

Poppy ended up in a relationship with Gladdy (he kind of fell in love with how cute and sweet she was, plus the fact that if she had to she would kick his ass--which she did on multiple occasions)

Cor became a grandpa and both loved and hated it. He also never stopped giving Gladio hell.

Prompto married a swell gal and had some kids. Auntie Poppy spoiled them rotten btw

Regis and Clarus were proud Grandpapas, Iris and Poppy got along really really well (Iris said that if Gladio didn’t marry Poppy then she would)

Ardyn lived and became a weird trash uncle who spoiled the family kids and no one knows where he got his fortune from

Anyways, everyone lived happily ever after

Hope you guys enjoyed and let me know if you want some more realistic plot hc!

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firebirdsdaughter · 5 years

Text

Woooo…

… And other aimless noises!

Time for Ryusoulger episode 5! Subbed! Bc I didn’t have time to watch a raw. ^^;

In no order:

Life is hard when you have to pause every few moments to think about how beautiful Banba is. DX

Aw, Ui’s so anxious. I’d give you a hug if I could, honey!

I am never gonna get used to this goo in the mouth thing. They literally couldn’t have done that any other way?

How long has Touwa known this girl? Like… How did they meet? Banba seemed at least passingly acquainted w/ her, so… Hm.

I know it’s not important that they the specify that the animals being abandoned are black ones, but I’m gonna pretend it’s more foreshadowing bc I’m unstoppable.

Actually, that’s only true in certain capacities.

But seriously, the camera cuts to Banba when she says that. I have these straws and I’m clinging to them. XD

Like, I do understand ‘needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one’ thing, I do. I do also think we’re jumping to it a little quick, which makes me suspect we had a bad experience where a lot of people died bc of something, or something along those lines, and now we’re a little traumatised. And I think we blame ourselves for whatever it was that happened.

Still don’t think they’ve killed anyone. At least, not directly. I’m thinking there might be deaths Banba blames himself for, but that’s a whole other thing.

Crayon just running around downtown is just so hilarious. XD I don’t know why this scene is so funny to me, but it is. ^^

Banba is like ‘no friends! We have dark and troubled pasts!’ Or something or other. That joke kinda fell through.

God, he’s pretty, though. DX

Touwa, using his bratty little sibling powers for good. XD

Oh, yeah. This direct, ‘deal w/ what creates the monsters’ thing hasn’t happened in Sentai in a while, I think?

Touwa joins in the posing, but Banba just stands there like ‘oh, great, dork patrol is here’ for a moment. ^^

Banba wins for least effected by the earthquake, Melto is a close second, w/ Asuna an even closer third.

I really do like how Crayon acts like a bloody cheerleader there. XD

They all get sent flying, and Banba rolls an extra time, just bc he’s so beautiful he can do that.

Oh, Kou. Honey. Honey.

I do note, Banba didn’t argue w/ Touwa phrasing it as ‘help him.’ Though… He may have been thinking of other things at the time.

Well, it cuts away from Banba too quick to see his reaction, but I’m willing to bet he was reaching for Touwa.

Also, Touwa! No, my baby gremlin boy! DX

Banba doesn’t even take the time to finish his transformation, just goes right into ‘get the fuck away from my brother’ mode.

Crayon does the one thing he can do. Gets scolded. Such is life. ^^;

I’m never gonna get over this moment, though. Banba is clearly absolutely frantic, to the degree that we can actually see it on his face, even a bit. For him, that’s gotta be practically a full-fledged panic attack. He puts a lot into hiding his emotions. The fact that this fear is showing means he’s thoroughly terrified.

Also, Touwa giving him an awkward, reassuring little smile there. There might be slight dissension between them in this ep, but he definitely knows Banba cares for and is worried about him, and he’s actively trying to reassure him.

Does kind of make me wonder if there was a moment where Touwa was hurt and Banba freaked out or something…

Okay. Banba’s reaction to Kou saying Tankjoh killed his Master––esp the way it focuses on him off of Kou’s clenched fist… I wanna know my boys’ lore so badly. Touwa seems to be rather regularly shocked (like, the way most people might react to that sort of revelation). But Banba… I dunno, it feels like there’s something more to Banba’s reaction. Like… He looks sad. And even… Sympathetic? Like he’s… Remembering something and/or identifying? Bc Kou goes on a little on how Master Red died protecting him bc he was ‘too weak.’ And his whole break down seemed to be resonating w/ Banba. I’m really curious about the brothers and specifically Banba’s backstory. Bc it’s seeming more and more like something happened that Touwa may not know about that explicitly made Banba see things the way he does. But I’ll ramble more about that later. XD

And when Kou specifically says Red died protecting him, he looks away like that meant something… AUGH. I WANNA KNOW SO BAD! DX

I should also note that he looks absolutely beautiful the whole time, too. <3

How did you see, Tankjoh, he just giggled? I mean, I know what he’s saying, but that’s just bc I have the power of SPOILERS. And also other people doing translations. But mainly, SPOILERS. XD

I appreciate seeing some of what the villains are doing when not fighting the team, and I find it utterly hilarious that they are just chilling in this one random clearing. Is this a special forest/clearing? Are we even gonna have a base? Or is everyone gonna just chill in the clearing?

Maybe they’ll move into a cave at some point.

Yes, I’m very concerned about the nice animal lady being a Minusaur host, but can someone please take that puppy before she drops it?

Banba’s extra intense bc the Minusaur bit Touwa and they don’t know if the bite is gonna do something (it will). Touwa’s safety is one thing he’s not even willing to slightly risk.

So of course Touwa is the only one who can stop him. Definitely at least shades of living emotional crutch, here.

Soon it will start expanding to the rest of the team to and I will LOVE IT.

THE PUPPY!

No, seriously. What did they do w/ the puppy?

I was under the impression that there were multiple animals? Definitely seems like Banba has at least a passing knowledge of her, so they’ve known her for a bit, at least.

Everyone looks very pretty here. ^^

Speaking of pretty… There are still some shots of the brothers from the trailer that are missing… Were they cut? No! Show me smiley Banba in the Tatsui house! DX And also that one where he was sexily leaning on a wall! :(

If you watch Banba, you can totally see the panic steadily rising over the course of the ep. Like he’s managed to get a lid back on it, but he looks concerned when the bite starts glowing, and when Melto remarks about poison, his head snaps around sharply.

I really like the way Touwa sort of… For lack of a better word ‘argues’ w/ Banba here? Bc he notably leads w/ repeated reassurances that he’s fine, so there’s no need to rush things. Like he clearly knows that’s the driving motivation behind his brother’s behaviour right now. He knows his brother cares about him, and that his safety is important to him, so it’s more likely he’ll have better luck dissuading him if he can convince him he’ll be okay. Also, he plays the family angle, bc he presumably knows how much that means to Banba, too. It’s a little low, maybe, but it gets the point across, I think. For whatever reason, Banba’s put on blinders and tunnel visioned himself to the mission. Touwa adores him and follows him, but he doesn’t have the same level of… Well, what I assume is trauma, to have that level of obsessive focus. The best way to pull him out of that is using someone/something else he can focus on––in this case, Touwa, who uses things he knows are important to Banba (himself, aka, family) to try and, basically, again for lack of a better word, empathise again.

I’m very tired, I’m not sure that made sense.

I know I keep saying it, but it definitely seems to be that Banba just had the opposite reaction to trauma than the trio did. They stayed optimistic and sought happiness and new friendships to help deal w/ the pain. He just closed himself off from the world to avoid getting hurt again, and lost faith in others. Touwa was the only person he couldn’t let go off. Literally, living emotional crutch. Touwa is probably the reason Banba never went completely stone cold as a result of whatever happened––he was trying to emulate Banba’s more serious nature, but he’s more social and cheerful.

Might be cool/sweet if there’s an arc/ep where they meet someone (whether related to someone’s past or not) that is a completely stone cold, ruthless monster, and Banba has a ‘I could have turned into that if it hadn’t been for Touwa and you guys’ sort of thing.

In other news, Banba is still so beautiful I still have to pause every few moments just to stare at him. <3

Literally, if I were in this world, and something happened, and Banba––or even just Kishida Tatsuya himself were standing near me? I’d just be throwing myself into his arms. No questions.

Banba is allergic to emotions and proper communication, so he just runs out of the room to obsessively hunt the Minusaur.

But… Even though he’s not very communicative, he takes the time to akd Kou about Master Red. What is the lore here, Toei? GIVE ME THE LORE.

I don’t think he’s really trying to be mean to Kou? Actually, in a weird way, I think this is kind of a sign he respects him a little? I wouldn’t go as far to say ‘fond of’ and maybe ‘respect’ isn’t the right word, either? But it kinda seemed like he was trying to… I dunno, share what he perceives as a hard truth he learned the hard way? And being like, ‘this sucks, but you need to understand it?’ Only he’s Banba and emotions and gentleness are a little hard for him so it comes out really blunt and cruel? But he seems like he’s speaking from some sort of experience?

Also, this is the scene that makes me think that he blames himself for something that happened. Most likely, in the past, he perceives his own (maybe someone else’s, but most likely his) kindness to have caused some sort of traumatising event, which may have involved the deaths of people he cared about (possibly for similar reasons to why the others’ Master’s died––protecting something, be it him and his brother, or something else). Additionally, maybe someone somehow reenforced to him it was his fault, and specifically put it in his head that kindness had caused it?

On another hand, Kou doesn’t seem to be particularly hurt by the words, exactly? Or insulted? Like I feel like in some situations, a character in his place would be loudly arguing that it’s not weakness––something that wouldn’t have been out of place for Kou’s characterisation. Like, he’s upset a bit, you can see that, but… But if anything, to me, at least, he looks actually kind of… Concerned about Banba instead? Maybe he’s squinting in the light/the wind, but… I dunno, I somehow ended up w/ the interpretation that he was worried about why Banba thought that way or something.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled rambling to inform you that Banba is still gorgeous. Please carry on.

Tankjoh be firing his lasers!

Aw, the RyuSouls just want hugs!

I doubt there’s only one of those in the whole city…

I love how Banba just freaking trips the thing. Like, it’s so simple. XD

Melto the mom friend clinches it w/ the important flashback line!

Also, hi AU Hongo! Figured we’d see you again in some way!

PROTECTING IS MY JAM. Please tell me this is gonna be a theme. Bc I need Banba being protective of all his younger sibs in my life. I NEED IT.

I think Banba is the second one to use a personal finishing move? I seem to recall Kou doing it first ep, but none of the others have do it since––yet, at least.

‘You can’t beat me! I can juggle!’

No, wait, that’s not how you juggle.

I LOVE MIRNEEDLE AND HIS HONK.

Also, I see you, cgi car! And tree. And building. And… Oh, forget it. XD

Congrats Kou! You’ve promoted to actually being directly addressed! I’m so proud. ^^

Seriously, though, Banba hasn’t used nary a name nor a colour, nor any label for any of them. Wonder if he’ll give them grumpy nicknames like ‘fool’ or something after this, or if he’ll stick w/ names?

Was… Not expecting sumo.

Does one ever expect sumo, though? … I guess when you go to see sumo.

Banba just one hundred percent takes over the whole fight. XD Boy still needs to figure out how to be a team player.

I find it hilarious how none of the others even tried to join in on announcing the final attack…

Were Tankjoh’s eyes furrowed like that before, or did they make the suit character look angry?

The poison in presumably in his bloodstream why do you need… Never mind. I guess that answers whether we’re taking people to the hospital. Well, taking Rangers.

Naohisa’s doctor friend is now suspicious to me simply by being a mysterious, anonymous ‘doctor friend.’

Apparently, Naohisa has connections, too, which––I don’t know why––is somehow funny to me.

I’m gonna finish this post and realise I’m spelling his name wrong, aren’t I?

Have nay of you ever considered standing in a different spot in the room?

So it sure looked like the Minusaur exploded? Either is just plain jumped into the water, or the poison itself is the Minusaur? *insert shrug emoji*

Banba is just so worried about Touwa here… Like I feel normally he might be a little annoyed at someone apparently questioning his ability (that’s not at all what she was doing, of course, and he did know that, but I feel like he might, under normal circumstances, have been a little ruffled and maybe glared), but here he’s staring down at his brother w/ a little worried frown. Merely affirms that he did destroy it w/out even looking away.

And the fact that a) Touwa’s now showing visible signs of pain and distress, and b) this shouldn’t be happening bc he should have beaten the Minusaur already is what really starts cracking Banba. Right now, Touwa is the most important person to him in the entire world. The possibility of being unable to save him is probably the single most terrifying concept in the whole universe to Banba.

Well, Touwa’s dead. But let’s dance!

Okay, so we know he’s fine.

THERE WILL BE TEARS NEXT WEEKEND. THEY’RE GONNA DO IT.

So, looks like Tankjoh will be exiting, possibly temporarily? And we have the debut of 5 Knights! But before that, everyone gets poisoned and Banba has to learn to play w/ others. Seems Banba and Asuna get effected by the contagious poison first, as they’re listed first in the summary, and a lot of the preview images show Melto and Kou running around together. Looks like Touwa and Banba are having a heart to heart, while dying of poison, probably during the scene the ‘I won’t let you die’ line is from. Bc Banba would possibly be willing to sacrifice himself, but he’d have to die, be incinerated, and then exorcised multiple times before he stopped trying to save Touwa by any means possible. There’s also a preview image that’s either Banba being dumb and trying to fight despite dying of poison, or have been fighting and then just starting to die of poison. I kinda prefer the first, but both are good. And Kou seems to be filling in as concerned little brother. Very excited, and I have a countdown timer on my phone again. XD

That’s all folks! Virtual mango sorbet for anyone who read all that! Or, just, any kind of flavour you want. I might have some digital gelato around here somewhere…

I’m enjoying this series very much. I love the brothers and I really want more lore on them, but I think everyone already knew that. I still hope that it turns out the person who betrayed Banba is now Gaisorg’s user. That would be great drama. ^^ It’s not completely out the window that it was his Master or one of their parents (or maybe those were one and the same), either.

Now I just have to get through the week…

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endlessgreysky · 5 years

Text

August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx

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cosmostellar · 6 years

Text

Connie in Stevens role au

Connie was mostly raised by the crystal gems, struggles with social interactions, feels isolated from the Beach City ppl

a first few episodes are mostly just Connie interacting with the gems, you get to know who the gems are on the surface level + Connie’s father is introduced

Connie’s dad is still a security guard and Connie is very insistent that it’s not only her moms who fight for the gems, her dad does too!!

Doug is initially disregarded as a “just human” by the gems, but later becomes a more active part of the team and is never left helpless

however, he does travel throughout the entire state most of the time

he always finds some time for his daughter when Connie wants to talk via phone and loves her deeply, but sometimes Connie feels like he isn’t there enough which only adds to her general anxiety

Connie is a pretty cautious person, her big issue at first is how much she overthinks things and hesitates - she wants to help the gems but she isn’t sure how

she brings the fresh blood of new ideas and new outlook into the gems’ life

she reads A LOT, both fiction and non-fiction, and often talks to the crystal gems about the past events, even the brutal ones such as wars; easily makes connections between whatever she reads about and whatever is happening in the gems’ lives or happened in the gem history, is more inquisitive abt the gem history than Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl wish she was at this age

Pearl constantly gets fictional stories and non-fiction mixed up sfddsfd Connie is like “George Washington” and Pearls like “oh isnt he that mage from that book youve read last summer???”

Pearl is EXTREMELY frustrated abt things such as Arthurian myths because it EITHER IS HISTORY OR IT ISNT HISTORY WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CONNIE

and Connie is like “well you were there right???”

Pearl, remembering how she was thirsting after Rose in the middle ages: .......i do not think i was in that particular place during that time period, no

oh RQ =/= PD in this au, Rose Quartz was just a soldier with a lot of secrets who helped an enslaved Pearl escape, she did indeed shatter Pink Diamond + Pearl was indeed a renegade

the Bismuth arc plays out COMPLETELY DIFFERENT because Connie always needs to see and understand all sides of the conflict and even then she sometimes can’t decide or feels uncomfortable with deciding, in a way she is fascinated by Bismuth’s new perspective but v unsure bcs this is not how she was taught, they sit down and talk together for a very long time

Connie is generally not as uncomfortable with the idea of killing for the greater good since she knows history, she still feels weird with the idea of doing it herself and would rather spare people if she had to

she sometimes struggles with expressing or even understanding her feelings very much which makes the gems initially think she’s much more mature and responsible than she really is

Amethyst is from the beginning introduced with attempts to deal with her issues; she tries to put her self-worth into the hands of others, that is, she is the one who goes to Beach City, she is the one known by everyone there, she seems outgoing, she has friends there

or rather “friends” bcs no one really knows how insecure Amethyst is under all this Attitude, they only know one side of her and Amethyst feels even worse because in some way she is just fooling people into liking her since she can’t make Garnet and Pearl like her

she doesn’t realize that the part of her Beach City people like is also her

Connie is just the awkward girl always hanging in the background and has a much worse relationship w/ Beach City people than Amethyst does, she has a hard time connecting to people

first real attempts she makes are actually bcs Amethyst encourages her to do so which probably leads to Connie discovering more abt Amethyst’s self-worth issues

(before that Amethyst is kinda The Coolest for Connie since Connie really wishes she was better with people and Amethyst has that trait, people look at her and talk to her and she is amazing and Connie is just there, too awkward to stutter a full sentence)

at some point after shes more socially developed Connie decides to actually go to school because there are so many things the gems simply can’t teach her (this is also connected to her arc of idealizing the gems less and less, she has so many questions they are unable to answer)

during the Homeworld arc Connie tries to get her way out of there, helps Blue Zircon with the case, they actually manage to run away together

Blue Zircon is super anxious after that and Connie is too so its GREAT

there would be no murder mystery so there’d have to be a different kind of trial put there BUT: Connie takes Blue Zircon to Earth and they become very very good friends because they are both extremely inquisitive and interested in puzzles and logical solutions

Connie shows Blue Zircon mystery novels and Blue Zircon is DELIGHTED

Connie-Peridot mutual awkwardness

Peridot and Lapis are an actual addition to the cast, appear regularly, have their own motives

EACH BEACH CITY EPISODE IS MADE TO FURTHER AN ARC OF ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, EITHER CONNIE OR ONE OF THE GEMS

at first they are mostly abt Connie’s social anxiety and her attempts at understanding the human part of her heritage better, she reads about it a lot but she wants to have a better insight in practice

and also the whole Amethyst thing

an episode that is just Pearl taking Connie to some party the kids from school throw

Pearl thinks it’ll be HardcoreTM but its really just kids sitting around talking, Pearl is awkward

gOOD GOD LET PEARL HAVE ACTUAL INTERACTIONS WITH HUMANS, LET PEARL STOP SEEING THE PLANET EARTH AS ROSES-AND-ONLY-ROSES THING, LET PEARL FALL IN LOVE WITH THE THING SHE’S FIGHTING FOR FINALLY BECAUSE OF THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE HALF-HUMAN WHO WONT LET HER FORGET THAT PEOPLE CAN BE COOL

at some point after heavy stuff happens Connie starts seeing a therapist

Lapis is also encouraged to do so, the idea Lapis is at first repulsed by and it takes her some time to actually see it in the realm of possibilities

Connie starts seeing a therapist because of Doug’s influence and help

Doug, as a guard, went through pretty heavy stuff himself and therapist’s help is just a very natural part of his life and he knows it helps and he doesnt want to leave his daughter completely alone with her psyche after so many fucked up events including the whole intergalactic war thing

Lapis and Peridot do live together but only after they get to know each other better and are able to be healthier and more functional with each other

Lapis doesnt know where to stay and for some time shes just a free bird, she disappears and reappears randomly; she is afraid of commitment, she is afraid of finding someone she’ll like, she is terrified of facing her own feelings, its bizzare how shes finally free and all she really wants is to lie somewhere and die

in some ep she meets Doug who kinda takes care of her in this non-invasive way Lapis needs which makes Lapis come back more and more; she doesn’t officialy travel with him but she kinda does, for some time

bcs goddamit Lapis’s problems are fucking heavy and she needs adults who will help her figure it out, Connie is like what, thirteen??

aka: Lapis is Doug’s grumpy adopted teenage daughter and you can f ight me

also Pearl dates some human women, then Bismuth is unbubbled and after some time she and Pearl slowly start having a thing

it’s an incredible chance for Pearl to actually revise her past: to bring the events of the war to the surface and see them from a new perspective, to have a new understanding of herself and her past actions, to finally deal with all those heavy fucked up feelings that have never been properly worked through because Rose never really gave her the chance or support to do so

it’s sometimes very ugly, and it’s a lot of crying, and sometimes Pearl is just weeping silently for a very, very long time, but Bismuth is there for her

since Bismuth isnt rebubbled in this au bcs Connie actually listens to her point, Bismuth is keeping up the facade of just being magically found in the lion for some time more

one day when Pearl is just hanging with her in her workshop Bismuth finally tells her abt why Rose bubbled her which brings a whole new light to the picture of Rose Quartz Pearl has; Pearl has never thought that Rose could bubble someone like this, especially someone like Bismuth

Pearl is the support Bismuth needs, Bismuth is the support Pearl needs

Lion actually has a name here bcs Connie names him - more specifically, like 343234 different names because Connie is so damn indecisive

Connie asks questions. so many questions

#steven universe #su #connie maheswaran #garnet #amethyst #pearl #peridot #lapis #koh talks #haha im bitter #su critical

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acuppellarp · 6 years

Photo

We’re excited to announce that Amy has decided to level up Natalie Ramos from a mumu minor character to a main character! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Amy + she/her Age: 29 Timezone: CST Ships: natalie/chemistry Anti-Ships: natalie/no chemistryIC INFO

IC INFO

Full Name: Natalie Lucia Aguilar Ramos Face Claim: Adria Arjona Age/Birthday: 22 / January 17, 1996 Occupation: College student / bike messenger Personality: indecisive, solitary, ambitious, logical, pessimistic Hometown: Watertown, Massachusetts Bio: The youngest of three children by more than a handful of years, Natalie Ramos had a surplus of people in her life to tell her what to do since before she left the womb. There wasn’t a mistake she could make without someone right there to stop her, share a life lesson, and send her back on the way they believed she should go. Having parents and a couple siblings that had lived through it all before, Natalie became their fresh start. Dreams they hadn’t achieved themselves were suddenly thrust her way, and not wanting to disappoint, Natalie tried to live up to it. Dance, gymnastics, tennis, there wasn’t an upper-crust hobby she wasn’t enrolled in lessons for. Always hyper aware the expectations placed on her, the pressure to live up to them was bordering on suffocating. There was never a time when she wasn’t terrified of disappointing them.

It wasn’t until she was a teenager that Natalie began to notice signs of the financial burden their country club lifestyle was putting on her parents. The hushed fights about money were caught more often, but it was never something they wanted to discuss with her. Her parents were more determined than ever to keep Natalie getting the best education they could. When she turned fifteen, they sat her down and told her she’d be attending boarding school. None of it made any sense with the puzzle pieces of her family she’d been putting together, but like usual, her parents insisted on shielding her from the truth. She was only shown the rose tinted picture of their life that was painted for her.

Shipped off to Rhode Island, Natalie was away from her family’s hovering form of pressure for the first time. Used to having someone tell her what to do and map out all her choices for her, the new found freedom was a tough adjustment. Struggling in her new school where for the first time her social standing wasn’t already written for her, Natalie was lost and friendless. It wasn’t until she was given a lifeline in the form of Sugar Motta, that things began to turn around for her. Family friends of Sugar’s family, Natalie had no idea that like most things in her life, her parents were the driving factor in the two connecting. Even finding out who had given Sugar the initial push, Natalie was nothing but grateful to have the girl in her life. Instantly she went from the weird freshman outcast to being invited along most anywhere Sugar went. The girl was like no one she’d ever met before. Confident, outspoken, and completely herself, Sugar was everything Natalie wished that she could be.

The more time they spent together, the more taken with her that Natalie became. By the time the year was over and Sugar was graduating, the admiration she felt for her friend had grown into a massive crush. It was the first time Natalie had ever felt so strongly about anyone, much less about another girl. The day before Sugar was set to leave for college, Natalie threw caution to the wind and kissed her. She’d been dreaming about the moment for so long, and yet she hadn’t imagined how quickly it could destroy their friendship. While Sugar let her down easy and promised they’d talk every day while she was in New York, it didn’t take long for Natalie to see that it had been empty words. Sugar was gone, fully emerged in her new life if her twitter was to be believed, and Natalie was left to get over her first heartbreak without her best friend.

For the rest of her high school career, Natalie found it easier to mold herself into what other people wanted her to be. She got good grades, loaded up on extra-curriculars, had the perfect boyfriend on her arm, and did everything that was expected of her. It made her parents proud, and somewhere along the way, she began to believe that was the only thing that mattered.

When it came time to look at colleges, NYU was one of many Natalie applied to, but it was always where she knew that she would end up. Not only was it the college where her older siblings had gone, but her parents as well. It was a forgone conclusion that Natalie would follow the same path, but luckily for her, New York offered her a little room to breathe. Sure her major (business) and where she’d live (dorm life to “build character”) were chosen for her, but she was finally on her own in a way that boarding school never fully provided. There was no longer anyone there looking over her shoulder for every choice that she made. Terrifying at first, Natalie finally found her footing. She quickly learned that lying to her parents about having the perfect life they dreamed for her was much easier than actually trying to live one. Her hobbies were her own, and so was where she spent her free time.

A coffee shop frequented mostly by lesbians would have never been her usual hangout before moving to New York, but it was one example of Natalie attempting to make her life her own. The place was welcoming, and often full of people confident in their sexuality in a way she still envied. It was at ACup where Natalie met Shawn. A couple years older and with a smile that melted her on the spot, Natalie was taken with her at first sight. Having only kept her interest in girls to meaningless hookups and her relationships to men, Natalie wasn’t planning to fall for Shawn the way that she did. She tried to deny her feelings to herself and anyone who dared mention it to her. She clung to the closet with both hands and a vice like grip, but luckily for her, Shawn didn’t scare off easily.

Having been out already comfortable in her own skin, Shawn was patient as their relationship grew. Soon the months started to add up, but Natalie’s progress in coming out didn’t. The fear of disappointing her family was overwhelming, but it went even beyond that. Despite where she and Shawn had met and the shared friends they had, Natalie refused to acknowledge their relationship to anyone. Dates were at places she was positive no one would know them. Anytime they happened to be at ACup at the same time, they seemed just as friendly as they were with anyone else. The gay panic Natalie felt when her roommate Harper almost caught them together was enough to have Natalie call things off despite how deeply in love she was. It was hardly the first time she’d done it, but it was the beginning of the end for them. Shawn began to try and nudge Natalie out of the closet, and Natalie began to resent her for it. The fights about it became more frequent until finally Shawn walked away for good.

Natalie both blames and hates herself for how things ended. She knows that she has to find a way to open up to people in her life. Her closed off nature goes well beyond her romantic life. Even people Natalie considers her friends are kept at a distance. She knows that if she keeps it up she will end up miserable and alone forever, but she has no idea how to actually change it.

Pets: None

Relationships:

Harper Clarington - Paired randomly to the same dorm room freshman year, Harper and Natalie are still living together four years later. Despite being roommates, their friendship has been slow to bloom. Natalie’s inability to fully open up about herself makes that difficult, but she genuinely enjoys Harper’s company and sense of humor.

Sugar Motta - As an awkward antisocial high school student, Natalie’s friendship with Sugar was unexpected. Despite their families having been friends for years, it wasn’t until Natalie was sent to the same private school as Sugar that their connection began. Sugar was older, confident, and outgoing which was everything Natalie wished she was. The day before Sugar left for New York to attend college, Natalie kissed her. Sugar attempted to let her down easy and assure her that their friendship was going to be just fine, but as the silence between them grew, Natalie knew she’d messed up.

Stevie Evans - As a fellow bike messenger, Stevie is a part of the same odd little brotherhood that comes with it. They’re friends and willing to help each other out when needed, but without all the personal sharing that most close friendships include.

Spencer Porter, Jane Hayward, & Riley Lynn - New roommates for her senior year, Natalie isn’t sure what to expect out of any of them. She hopes Harper was kidding when trying to explain to her what living with Spencer would be like, but she’s willing to keep her distance in case she wasn’t.

EXTRA INFO

natalie / natqueencole / waiting for mambo no. 6

Five latest tweets:

@ group projects are the bane of my existence

@ if i ever disappear, know that my roommate is never not watching murder shows

@ the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket: watch how far i can kick this bucket

@ life is exhausting

@ took a quiz to see what kind of cereal i am and it’s wrong bc i am def cinnamon toast crunch

#accepted #acup: level up

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glowstickhaloboy · 7 years

Text

AU where jack is a librarian and bitty accidentally studies

jack loves books. bitty hates studying.

but bitty needs to try something, bc whatever hes doing now is not working, and finals are coming up, so he thinks maybe if he gets some silence and solitude things he needs to know will start sticking

so he goes to the library and lo and behold theres an adonis behind the counter with a pencil tucked behind his ear as he intently reads a biography on Joan of Arc. bitty hears his conscience speak to him in beyonces voice, telling him that this boy is his

but hes a nervous wreck now that he knows theres someone hot here so yeah hes definitely not getting any studying done

except the cute boy doesnt even look up, and bitty remembers that hes probably straight anyway because thats the way the universe likes to be, so he keeps his head down and makes his way to an empty table (but he chooses one that keeps the cute boy in sight, and he isnt sure if thats because he is a masochist or isnt one)

he does his best to vibe this guy, who only looks up from his book when someone comes to check out or ask for the bathroom key, and bitty decides that hes gotta play it cool. that boy likes knowledge, so bitty will have to pretend that he also likes knowledge and isnt absolutely boy crazy, so he opens his textbook and gets down to business, hoping that that cute boy will look over at least and notice how studious this southern young man is

and almost three hours passes where bitty actually studies. he looks at his phone and realizes what hes just tricked himself into doing. he checks back on the cute boy, who is looking at him holy hell it was only for a second and then he quickly looked at his book again and relax eric relax he was probably just zoned out and happened to be staring at your face but maybe he could also sense how good you are at making pies and is deciding whether or not your boyfriend material

its already been three hours, but bitty definitely cannot leave now that developments are taking place

but its only fifteen more minutes before someone else shows up and takes the cute boys place behind the desk. the cute boy walks into the back and comes back with a jacket slung over his shoulder. “see ya, chris,” he says, and bitty wonders if hes being loud enough for his voice to carry on purpose, and when cute boy leaves, bittles insides all start screaming and he wonders if hes being blessed or punished because that boy must do squats or something.

bitty plays it cool for another half hour after that, because he cant look like he was only here because that cute boy was, but hes really only on twitter now. then he packs up his bag and spends the entire walk back to his room thinking about the moment he glanced up and the cute boy glanced down.

and he comes back the next day. bittle may play the slow game, but he has to see where this is going. day one, a glance, and maybe if hes really lucky, by day two he might get a pleasant “good afternoon. welcome to the library.”

he doesnt. he walks right in and sits in the same spot as yesterday, and the cute boy is reading the same book, but bitty tries to keep his face controlled, because this time cute boy looked up as he came in, and unless bittle was reading too much into it, cute boy looked down again as though this wasnt supposed to mean anything, like that was what he wanted bitty to think, but secretly it did.

they continue like this for two weeks, and eric is blessed to discover that the cute boy works a four hour shift every single day. which means theres never a day bittle has to miss out on seeing his sculpted-by-the-gods face.

and then valentines day rolls around.

bitty wonders what in the world am i doing so often while he bakes on february 14th that he knows he has lost any semblance of self-control

he walks into the library thinking the exact same thing, and of course, theres the cute boy, who has moved on to reading an account of the cuban vie for independence from spain, and for the first time, bitty actually approaches the counter

“um, hi,” he says, slightly breathless from the cold, and the cute boy looks up and smiles and says “hi” back. bitty has to ignore his pounding heart and continue on with the words hes been rehearsing since he turned the oven on.

“so, ive been spending a lot of time in the library recently, and i bake a lot, and since today is valentines day, i thought it would be nice to make these cookies for everyone today, so would it be alright if i left these on the counter and people sort of just... helped themselves if they wanted one? i made a card to”

bitty reaches into the basket and holds up a card designed by his friend lardo that reads “happy valentines day! please take one (1)”

the cute boys smile widens, and he says, “yeah. wow, they look great!”

after all the work bitty put into making them, they damn well better. he hasnt worked this hard on a batch of cookies since he campaigned for ninth grade class president. still, he cant help but turn as pink as the frosting on them when the first thing this boy ever says to him is a compliment on his baking.

“its nothin’” says bitty, setting the basket down and stuffing his mittens into his pockets

the cute boy latches onto bittys damnable accent and asks with interest “where are you from?”

“oh, georgia”

“nice. im jack, im from montreal.” he sticks out his hand and bittys suddenly clams up with sweat. oh no this cant be a horrible first handshake, it needs to be warm and nice

bitty decides he has to keep the mitten on, though, because that could be considered cute, right? sweat definitely couldnt. “eric,” he says, and doesnt allow himself to think about the fact that hes just put a bright red mitten in an adonis’s hand. they both seem to be running out of charm, though, so bitty muddles through

“um, they might be a little frozen from the walk over, but they should be good in a few minutes,” he says, then scurries over to his table because two weeks is way too soon to start talking

he distracts himself with literature homework to try to forget what a darn fool he just made himself out to be, but he cant completely tune out the rustling coming from the front desk as jack makes a careful display out of bittles basket and card, even allowing it to block the laminated sign warning patrons the repercussions of keeping overdue books.

a few more students trickle in, and a couple of them go for the basket, and Professor Whitmond tromps in with his two grandkids, who leave covered in powder and sprinkles, but bitty exercises all of his willpower to block it out because he cant believe he did this

but he also wonders if jack is going to take a cookie. hes obsessed with the thought of it. he needs jack to eat one of those cookies and realize that bittle is not just a pretty face. bittles entire body is on high alert, praying for it.

and then it happens. jack reaches into the basket, pulls out a cookie, and takes a bite. bittle thinks, checkmate.

he notices jack glance over at him, and bittle is now confident enough that he chances a bright smile. those cookies are good. they would never have made it out of his kitchen if they werent his best.

jack points at the cookie, his expression one of utter astonishment, and mouths, these are amazing.

bitty raises an eyebrow. i know.

jack makes another expression of astonishment, then waves bitty to go back to his studying. bitty pretends to, but really, hes wondering if bringing in a batch of cookies every friday would be too much.

(he does it anyway)

fridays become the staple of his relationship with jack. bittle brings in a basket of cookies, jack says something that makes bittle wonder if hes flirting or teasing, and bittle feels satisfaction drop into his gut as jack helps himself to the first of the bunch. there has never been a day where every cookie is not eaten.

and then jack changes the schedule. bitty comes in on friday with his usual basket, and jack says, “Eric. I had a question.” and bittles heart starts thumping in its stupid, traitorous way, and jack continues, “About these cookies...” and bitty thinks, oh great, theyre too much, hes only been pretending to like them for my benefit, enough is enough, “Would you mind making me a batch to send to Montreal? My parents want to try them.”

and bittys mind goes completely blank. Something about the way Jack says it completely straight throws bitty off guard. Because, yeah, hes caught on to the fact that Jack can be a bit socially awkward, but this definitely takes the proverbial cake.

“Your parents?” asks Bittle. “How do they know about my cookies?”

“I told them,” says jack, as if its obvious. “We call every friday night, and I always talk about your cookies.”

Bitty’s mind hurriedly re-writes his knowledge of the past few weeks to include the fact that Jack From The Library Has Been Speaking To His Parents About His Cookies And Now Jack’s Parents (IN MONTREAL!) Want To Eat Them.

“So, would that be too weird?” asks Jack.

“Not at all!” says Bitty, laughing slightly because hes terrified. “I can bring some in tomorrow if youd like!”

Its only when Jack smiles that Bitty feels relieved, like hes successfully navigated a minefield correctly. “Thatd be great!” says Jack. “I’ll pay you, if you want, to cover the cost of the ingredients-”

Bitty waves him away. “That’s not necessary, Jack, I’d love to.”

he goes to his seat and cuts his study time in half because he cant stop freaking out about making baked goods for jacks parents, who have never met him, and need to decide within their first taste whether bittle has any worth in their sons life

hes up half the night, and it definitely shows on his face when he brings into the library the next day. all he wants to do is say get them out of my sight.

jack accepts them with a confused look on his face, thanks bittle as bittle marches to his table and begins spreading out his books

oh yeah, and bitty has been getting weirdly good grades since all this started?? it turns out that bi-weekly flirting is the perfect reward for someone who needs to study more. his test scores have gone up dramatically, and even his GPA has gotten a modest boost.

thats only the secondary goal here, though, his real goal has always been getting jack to notice him

for three days, including baking night, bittle sleeps horribly, angsting over what jacks parents - whoever they even are - will think of his cookies. on monday, he gets his answer

“Eric!” jack greets as bittle walks into the library. hes smiling wide. “ive been told to tell you that youre moving to montreal to become my parents’ personal dessert chef.”

relief smacks into bitty like a forty-pound fist. he feels slightly whoozy. “they liked them?” he repeats.

jack just stares at him. “Eric. Have you ever had one of your cookies before.”

“No, I mean, well, yes, obviously I have, but it’s just that I’m always worried whenever new people try them that they’ll hate them, and since baking is the only thing I’m really good at, it’s important to me that people, you know, like my stuff.”

“Eric,” Jack says, for what feels like the thousandth time. “Everything you make is incredible. And baking isn’t all you’re good at. You study like a champion.” He offers Eric a fist bump.

Eric takes it for what it is, a sign of friendship, as he belatedly registers that Jack just called his baking skills amazing. Even if the boy is straight, he knows how to play Eric like a fiddle. And Eric is just gone enough to let it happen.

spring weather is finally setting in, and bitty starts to think about just how many days hes spent in the library this year, all so he can gawk at a boy he doesnt have a chance with. all this time, and he couldve been actually out there looking for someone who will genuinely be with him and make him happy.

he stops going to the library on a tuesday. by friday, he feels bad because the people on campus have come to expect his cookies every week, and he owes it to them to keep their stomachs satisfied with finals approaching. he makes a batch, not knowing what hes going to say to jack, or if jack will even care that bitty has been out by the pond enjoying his afternoons with his friends instead of hanging out inside.

he walks in with his basket, and jack seems to look both relieved and slightly cross. “Eric,” he says, because thats all he ever says. “You haven’t been here.”

Bitty shrugs. “I made cookies,” he says, and offers Jack the basket.

Jack’s brow furrows. “Is something wrong?” he asks.

“No,” says Bitty, which, because he doesn’t know what on Earth he’s feeling, is almost the truth.

Somewhat stunned into silence, Jack accepts the basket Bitty offers him and watches Bitty leave again. Bitty walks until he’s out of sight of the library, then sits on the nearest bench and wipes his eyes. He’s being ridiculous. There was literally never even anything between him and Jack. It was all made up in Bitty’s head, a fabrication based on a few standard conversations and lies garnered by baked goods. Maybe Bitty is crying because he’s such a fool. Why did he waste so much time on a needless fantasy? What was wrong with him.

“Well,” he mumbles to himself, standing. “At least your grades went up.”

this is the part where he looks up, hoping that jack might have followed him and was now waiting, out of breath, to say something meaningful and restore all of bitty’s hopes. but the sidewalk is empty, and bitty is left exactly like normal--creating a version of jack that doesnt exist based on the picture he has in his head

he goes back at the end of the day, when he knows jack will be gone, to collect his cookie basket from the library. a boy named chris hands it to him. “yeah, thanks for bringing these in today!” says chris. “the guy i work with seemed kinda down, so i think he needed a pick me up. i mean, he said that theyre for the patrons, but i got him to eat one, and i could tell he even felt better afterwards. theyre super good! i mean, i always ate them, i didnt know jack didnt, but-”

“thanks,” said bitty. he thought that if he didnt interrupt, this young man would never have stopped talking. “er, thats sweet of you.”

so for three weeks, bitty only comes in on fridays to drop off cookies. he and jack dont say a lot to each other. but as bittys mood steadily improves, jacks mood steadily worsens.

im healing, bitty thinks as he walks in on the third friday. that wasnt healthy, eric, it was sensible to get out of that.

“hey jack,” he says happily, setting the basket of cookies on the counter. “special delivery.”

jack squints at him for a moment, with a smile that seems more like a grimace. “thanks,” is all he says. he says it in a very particular way. flat. thanks.

bitty’s brow furrows. he thinks about asking, but he grew up in the hospitable south, where the popular motto was let everyone get on with their own business or get cussed out for pryin’. “um. youre welcome.”

he almost walks out, then shouts screw it! in his mind and turns around. “are you mad or somethin’?”

jack looks up as though feigning ignorance. all the lines on his face look hard. he sighs. “no, eric. its nothing to worry about. thanks for the cookies.”

“because my mama used to teach me lessons in passive aggressive bullshit when i used her pan sheets without askin’.”

“its nothing. its me. have a good day.”

“only she never tried to brush me off when i wanted to talk to her about it.”

jack considers him. “you dont come into the library anymore,” he admitted. “im not mad at you, im just... grumpy.”

bitty has to fight hard to keep his heart bolted down. he misses his friend, he tells himself. do. not. read. into. it.

“Oh,” says Bitty. “I, um. I didn’t mean to make you upset. Er. Have you been reading anything good recently?”

jack defrosts a little and they have a nice conversation about the true crime novel jacks gotten into. bitty feels a little bad for ghosting him, and maybe he misjudged things a little by saying there was nothing there, because hey certainly got along well, but he wasnt naive enough to think there was any use kidding himself about something romantic.

by the end of it, jacks laughing, and eric finds it in himself to giggle along too, and it feels like a nice resolution. maybe you cant have it all, eric thinks, but you can have this.

he bids jack goodbye, feeling better about the whole mess, glad that he said something.

at the end of the day, chris returns bittys basket, and bitty cant help but ask how jack was today. all chris says is, “Glowing.”

For the first time, bitty and jack run into each other outside the library. theyre at the campus coffee shop, perhaps both gearing up for finals week, and jack is leaving just as bitty is entering.

“Eric,” says Jack, genuinely smiling. Bitty’s smile is also completely real.

“Jack.”

“It’s weird, but it just kind of clicked for me that you’re a real person,” says Jack, then makes a soft face of pain. “I mean, obviously you’re a real person, but I’d only ever seen you at the library before. Now that we’re somewhere else-”

“I get it,” bitty assures him. “Are you working there next year, too?”

Jack shrugs. “Who knows? I’d like to, but someone with work-study might take my place. I’m always getting yelled at for reading when I should be re-shelving books. And I get cookie dust all over the counter on Fridays.”

Blushing, Eric says, “That is entirely your fault and no one else is responsible for that.”

“Not at all.” He’s still smiling, which Bitty thinks is ridiculous. “Are you doing anything right now?”

Bitty gestures to the line ahead of him. “Buying coffee,” he says.

“Anything else?” Jack clarifies. Bitty shakes his head. “I’ll wait with you. We can sit down and drink it together.”

He has to know what he’s doing, Bitty thinks. Once again, blind hope fills his chest and Bitty says, “Sure. That’d be nice.”

by the time their cups are drained, theyre too deep in conversation to move. when a pause comes, however, jack clears his throat. “Um. Actually. Eric. I, um, just wanted to clarify something, because I think I didn’t before.”

Bitty sighs dramatically. “I knew it. You’re using me because your parents want more cookies.”

Jack’s laugh is music for Bitty’s soul. “They seriously have not stopped asking about you since I sent those cookies. I didn’t know what to say to them when you stopped coming to the library.”

Bitty turns a little quieter. “Sorry about that,” he says. not because he feels sorry for not going, but because hes sorry that jack was hurt because of it.

“It’s okay, Eric, really,” Jack says, and hes so earnest that bitty believes he means it. “Anyway, what I wanted to say was, I think I didn’t clarify that when I asked you to sit down. You know. With our coffees. I sort of intended that to be. You know. Asking you out for coffee. Because I think you’re great.”

Bitty’s heart starts beating triple-time. His eyes turn to saucer plates. “This entire time, I was trying so hard to convince myself that you would never be into me!” he all but shouts. “I couldn’t deal with having a crush on a straight boy so I avoided the library like the plague.”

Jack blinks. “I never told you I was straight, Eric.” It’s not a reprimand, but it also totally is. Bitty puts his head in his hands.

“I thought I was being a fool for one thing,” he says, “but I was being a fool for something else entirely. I am so sorry, Jack.”

“You could make it up to me by letting me buy your coffee next time.”

Eric peeks at him through the gaps in his fingers. “Don’t try to fool me into thinking you’re smooth, Mr. Zimmermann. I know you too well.”

#what even is bittys name why does he have so many good luck following that #zimbits #zimbits au #thats all i got on this one otherwise i will be literally incapable of shutting the fuck up and this will go on far longer than anyone wants #(it already has done that tho)#eric bittle #jack zimmermann #omgcp #check please #library au #fuck you this is 3k words ive spent two hours on it im not proofreading deal with it

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