#non-monogamy

[crimeronan]

i've seen a couple people in the notes of this very good post about fictional polyamory by @thebibliosphere say things along the lines of "oh, i've been doing it wrong :(" or "how do i know if i did this right??" or "i should probably give up and start over, i wrote this badly :(" and. no!!!!

(i AM seeing far MORE people say "oh, this clarified and helped me so much, i think i know how to fix issues i've been having with my own story" which. YES!!!!)

listen. if you're a monogamous person who's writing a polyamorous relationship, and you've been focusing mainly on The Triad and All Three Together All The Time as the endgame, that's literally fine. that's a perfectly acceptable and strong starting point for your plotting, imo. you do not need to give up on a story that you've started like this.

but the things discussed in the post Can and Should improve your execution!

you can keep the same plot beats and overall relationship arc 100%. polyamorous relationships are infinite in their formations, every one is unique. "basically a monogamous romance but with three people" Does exist, as a relationship type. you're not hashtag Misrepresenting (TM) poly people with it

BUT i do think it will help to read up on some poly people talking about how their relationships Differ from monogamous ones.

so i have outlined some basic important concepts about polyamory.

MORE IMPORTANTLY though, i've broken down some questions that you can answer throughout the writing process to strengthen your individual dyad relationships, your individual characterization, & your characters' individual feelings/experiences. this is a writing resource have fun

future kitkat butting in to say i spent over two hours writing this and it definitely needs a readmore. it is also NOT comprehensive. but everything should be pretty simple to follow! feel free to reblog if you find it helpful yourself or just want to reward me for how gotdan long this took KSLDKFJKDL.

i've grabbed quick links for a couple of the important concepts, some have SEO pitches in them but the info largely seems to be good. (if i missed anything Egregiously Gross on these sites i should be able to update the links with better ones later, since they're under the readmore.)

sidenote: this is NOT meant to be overwhelming, despite the length. if you can't read all of this, that's Okay. you do not need to give up on your writing.

here we go:

compersion!

compersion is a BIG thing in a lot of polyamorous relationships. it's joy derived from seeing two (or more) of your partners happy together, or joy derived from seeing your partner happy with someone else.

compersion is really important as a concept because it highlights that every individual relationship within a polycule is different -- and that that's a GOOD thing. it's sort of the inverse of jealousy.

by the "inverse of jealousy," i mean that instead of feeling left out and upset and possessive, you feel happy/joyous/content.

i can use personal experience as an example: it's a Relief for me when my partners receive joy/support/sex/romance/etc that i can't (or prefer not to) give them. and i love seeing my partners make each other laugh and be silly together.

it's 100% okay for a poly triad not to be together 100% of the time, it doesn't mean that the third member is being left out or not treated equally when two people do things alone together.

(i have individual dates with my partners all the time! PLUS larger 3-and-4-person date nights.)

if the third member DOES feel jealous or left out, then the polycule can have a conversation to figure out what needs/wants aren't being met, and solve that. this happens semi-regularly in my polycule, as it will happen in any relationship (including monogamous ones)! it's just part of being an adult, sometimes you have to talk about feelings.

metamours!

a metamour is someone who is dating your partner, but ISN'T dating you. this may not be relevant for people writing closed three-person romantic sexual triads, but it's a super helpful term to know.

the linked article also lists different types of metamour relationships with some fun phrasing i hadn't heard before. the tl;dr is: sometimes you'll be domestic cohabitation friends, sometimes you'll be buddies with your own friendship, sometimes you might not interact much outside of parties, every relationship is different.

there's no one-size-fits-all requirement for metamour relationships. sometimes polyamorous people will end up dating their metamour after a while (has happened to me), sometimes polyamorous people will break up with one partner for normal life reasons, but remain friendly metamours.

the goal of polyamory is NOT for EVERYONE to fall in love. it is 100% okay if this happens in your story, it happens in real life too! but it is also 100% okay for characters to be metamours without ever becoming "more than friends."

(sidenote: try to kill any internalized "more than" that you have when it comes to friendship. friends are just as important and special and vital as partners.)

of course there are a million ways for messiness to occur with metamours within a complex polycule, exactly like with close-knit platonic friend groups. however this post is not about that! there's enough "here's how polyamory can go wrong" stuff out there already, so i'm focusing on the positives here :)

open versus closed polyamorous relationships!

i'm struggling to find an online article that reflects my experience without directly contradicting at least SOME stuff. so i'll give a quick rundown

google has a bunch of conflicting definitions of open relationships and whether open relationships are different from polyamory. the general consensus seems to be that an open relationship prioritizes one partnership (often a marriage), but that each partner can have extraneous flings or long-term commitments (most often sexual in nature).

this is not typically how i use the term wrt polyamory. the poly concept is pretty simple. a closed polyamorous relationship is one with boundaries like a monogamous one. there are multiple partners in the polycule, but they are not interested in having anybody new join said polycule.

an open polyamorous relationship tends to be more flexible -- it just means that IF someone in the polycule develops mutual feelings for a new person, it's fine for them to become part of said polycule if they want to! the relationship/person is open to newcomers.

some groups will need to negotiate this all together, others will just go "haha, you kids have fun." just depends on the individuals!

with open AND closed polyamorous relationships, the most important thing is making sure that there's respectful communication and that everyone is on the same page. but there's no one-size-fits-all way to do that.

i wish i could give you guys a prescriptive "You Must Do It This Way" guide, but that's.... basically the opposite of what polyamory is about, HAHA.

feelings for multiple people!

i was gonna tack this on to the previous section but decided it warranted its own lil bit.

a defining feature (....i'm told?) of monogamous relationships is that a monogamous person only has feelings for One individual at a time. they only want a relationship with one individual at a time. or, if they DO have feelings for multiple people simultaneously, they're still only comfortable dating one person at a time & being exclusive with that one person.

this is perfectly fine!

the poly experience is generally different from this. but once again..... polyamorous people all have different individual perspectives on this.

for me, i have never been able to draw hard boxes around romantic vs sexual vs platonic relationships, & i love many people at once. my personal polycule lacks many strict definitions beyond "these are my chosen people, i want to forge a life with them indefinitely, whatever shape that life takes"

some poly people feel explicit romantic or sexual attraction to multiple people at once, some poly people feel almost no romantic or sexual attraction at all. i'd say that MOST poly people feel different things for different partners, which is not a bad thing!

some poly people are even monogamous-leaning -- they have just chosen one romantic partner who is themselves part of a larger polycule. (so this monogamous-leaning person has at least one metamour!)

or alternatively, they might have one romantic partner AND a qpr, or other ways of defining relationships. (this is a factor in my own polycule!)

i made this its own point because if you're writing a straightforward triad, this is unlikely to come up in the story itself -- but it's worth thinking about how your characters develop/handle feelings outside of their partnerships.

like, is this sort of a soulmateship, 'these are the only ones for me' type deal? in which they won't fall in love with anyone else, and can be fairly certain of that?

that's pretty close to typical monogamous standards but you Can make it work. just be thoughtful with it

alternatively, can you see any of these characters falling in love Again after the happily-ever-after? and how would the triad approach it, if so? what would they all need to talk about beforehand, and what feelings would everybody have about the situation?

it's worth considering these questions even if the hypothetical will never feature in your actual canon, because knowing the answers to these questions will help you understand all of the individuals & their relationship(s) MUCH better.

i've been typing this for nearly two hours and there's a lot more i COULD say because... there's just a lot to say. i'll close out with some quick questions that you can ask yourself when developing the dyad dynamics within your triad

first, take a page and create a separate section for each individual dyad. then answer these questions for every pair:

how does each pair act when alone?

how do they act differently alone compared to when they're with their third partner?

are there any elements of this dyad (romantic, sexual, financial, domestic, etc) that these two people DON'T have with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

are there any boundaries or hard limits within this dyad that aren't shared with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

partner 3 goes out of town alone for a few weeks. what are the remaining two doing in their absence?

(doesn't have to be anything special, it's just to get a sense of how the two interact on a day-by-day basis without the third there)

what is something that each partner in the dyad admires about the other -- that they DON'T necessarily see in the third partner?

what problem do These Two Specifically need to solve in the story before their relationship will work?

how is that problem DIFFERENT from the problems being solved within the other two dyads?

doing this for ALL THREE dyads is VITAL imo. that way, you develop complex and nuanced and different relationships that all have unique dynamics.

those questions should be enough to get you started, i hope

then After you've charted the differences in relationships, you can start to jot down similarities in the overarching triad. what does one person admire in Both of their partners? what are activities that all three like to do together? what are boundaries or discussions that all three share?

but the main goal is to figure out how to Differentiate each relationship!

a polycule is only as strong as the individual relationships within it. if two people are struggling with their own relationship, adding a third person won't fix that.

(UNLESS the third person is the catalyst for those two to, like, Actually Communicate And Work Their Shit Out. i just mean that the old adage of "maybe if we just add a third-" works about as well to fix a miserable non-communicative marriage as, uh, "maybe if we have a baby-")

AND FINALLY.

if you're not sure whether your poly romance reads organically to poly people, you can hire a sensitivity reader with poly experience. if you can't afford that, you can read up on polyamorous resources like a glossary of terms & articles actually written by poly people. (and stories written by poly people!)

you can also just.... ask poly people questions, if they're open to it. i like talking about polyamory and my own relationships so you're welcome to send asks if u want, i just can't guarantee i'll answer bc my energy levels fluctuate a lot and i don't always have time.

polyamorous people are in an uphill battle for positive representation right now & so the LAST thing i want to see is authors giving up on their stories bc they're worried about getting things Wrong. well-meaning and positive stories that treat this kind of love as normal, healthy, & aspirational are So So So Needed. even if you guys end up with some funky-feeling details.

seriously, if you're monogamous then you probably don't have a full idea of Just How Nasty a lot of people can get about polyamory. i wish it DIDN'T mean so much for you guys to want to write nice stories about us, but it does mean a lot. and it means a lot that you want to do it WELL.

in conclusion. this is not a prescriptive guide, it's just a way to raise questions. and also, you all are doing FINE.

#thebibliosphere i apologize for tagging u when we don't know each other at all i just want u to get credit for the initial discussion #given that it is so much more thoughtful and clear than anything i'd think to write. #i did NOT mean to spend multiple hours on this but once i started writing i was like #oh god i actually do have like a lot i can tell monogamous people about writing poly people & the poly perspective #anyway. i mention it in the post but people can send me (respectful. obviously) asks if they have questions #i cant promise to answer all of them bc i am bad at this. but if i'm well enough then i'll try #polyamory #non-monogamy #ethical non-monogamy #writing #my writing #writing advice #relationships

[sunlightrays]

How I didn't realize I was poly before 21 even though my go-to reaction to love triangle drama in media is "Why don't they just all date" is beyond me.

#polyamory #poly #non-monogamy #media #shipping #love triangle #i genuinely do not understand the issue #“no but *i* want them” “but i am better for them” well what if you stop yelling at each other and just kiss #what then #jealousy who

[anodyneocean]

So, I love the concept of the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord Tool, but my brain has a hard time navigating the layout of the official version, and it contained a lot of things that weren’t relevant to my close intimate relationships.  I ended up creating this simplified version to specifically suit my own needs. Some people in my FB groups have greatly appreciated the easy-to-read boxes, so I figured I’d offer it here too!  (I included a filled out version for anyone wondering how to use it.)  Also, remember, this is good for ALL types of relationships, you don’t to be a relationship anarchist to benefit from this kind of transparency! 

#relationship anarchy #relationship anarchist #relationship anarchy smorgasbord tool #polyam #polyamory #polyamorous #non-monogamous #non-monogamy #non-mono #unconventional relationships #aro #ace #lgbt #lgbtq+ #queerplatonic

[polyamzeal]

I was going to post this before but I decided not to for a number of reasons. But right now I really relate to it and I needed to see it again. So I am going to post it here so that others can feel comfort and shared pain and hopefully heal. My story is similar and I have heard other people go through the same. It does not mean that polyamory always faces more scrutiny than sexual or gender orientations. I fully admit the opposite is probably more likely true a good number of the times. But why do we need to try to erase that this does still happen sometimes, justify turning a blind eye to people being treated like shit for who they are born as. How is that anything to be proud of?

#polyamory #polyam #non-monogamy #Delete later?

[firemama]

In the wake of seeing so many redesigned Poly flags both Lately and over the years, this is simply an appreciation for the classic Poly/Pi flag. Heres to not everything needing to be a pretty and light and washeded out colorscheme; sometimes identites and flags can just be bold and contrasting.

And also, I Love You Pie Symbol. (infinity heart is also nice) π Π 𝝅 𝜫 𝝿 𝝥 𝞹 𝞟 П п ∏ 兀 ℼ ℼ

#dont get me wrong i like a pretty colorscheme #but im pretty sick of pink and blue schemes #and everything wants to be pink-blue-purple these days #shes so recognizable too #even with tweaked colors #munchatter #poly #polyam #polyamory #non-monogamy #polyamourus pride #pi flag #you can obviously use whatever flag u want i dont give a shit #but the pi flag is my flag lads

[song-of-oots]

A bunch of reasons why I have a soft spot for Sabine:

1) I like her understated comradery with Vaarsuvius.

2) Her interaction with Miko was comedy gold.

3) I hugely enjoy the way she keeps getting used to subvert traditional narratives around women's attitudes to romance/sex (the revelation in strip 394 that she's mad that Nale was trying to kill Haley, rather than sleep with her; strip 794 "women like me swoon for a hero, but that's only because deep down, we think we can change them.")

4) She may be a self-confessed "incarnation of illicit sex", but the story isn't usually interested in condemning her for her sexual proclivities (except for those occasions where she uses vengeful murder as an aphrodisiac, which: fair). The moral condemnation implied by the narrative is generally in reference to all of the aforementioned murder and also literally working for the forces of evil.

5) I also really like Sabine and Nale's relationship. This isn't because I'm particularly fond of Nale (I'm really not) but I do think it gives them both a bit of depth. I also like the fact that a non-monogamous relationship is treated as pretty non-sensational and valid (even if it did initially come as quite a shock to Nale; casually announcing you've had sex 4 times while off on a business trip and you don't care who he sleeps with is probably not the best way of handling such things in real life). Anyway, if anything they are closer than ever in Blood Runs in the Family (despite a little insecurity on Nale's part regarding Sabine's attraction to Elan and all those edgy "good boys"). The occasionally-sleeping-with-other-people thing doesn't actually disrupt their emotional bond at all. And basically, as a polyamorous person, it is pretty refreshing to see non-monogamy depicted in a way that doesn’t try to imply it is inherently inferior, and in the context of a relationship that is actually quite healthy (even if the rest of their behavior isn't).

6) She helped V to thwart Tarquin, which is kind of covered in point 1, but I think it deserves a separate bullet point and quite probably it's own separate post one day simply because I love the significance of this narratively. (In fact I hope she has a hand in Tarquin's eventual downfall, though that doesn't seem overly likely.)

7) She’s hot. (My husband suggested I add this one, and on consideration I realised it probably is a contributory factor so I agreed).

#sabine #nale #oots #order of the stick #non-monogamy

[walkawayinsin]

Dear monogamous people

Before you start dating a non-monogamous consider this: We're not your go-to when you're single. We're not into casual automatically. It's not always about the sex - doesn't even have to involve sex overall. It's about connecting. It's about love. It's about the freedom to love.

Being interested isn't enough. You need to understand your own responsibility when you're dating someone who isn't monogamous.

Dating with the purpose to convert someone from non-monogamy to monogamy is as bad as if we were forcing non-monogamy on you guys.

Be clear about your intentions, your boundaries, your view on the relationship. Communication is the key.

If you've had bad experience with non-monogamy reconsider how much it affects you in the present situation. Are you truly desiring to try out non-monogamy again (knowing the situation might be different) or are you just purely ignorant about it at the moment because you're on cloud nine? Falling in love with someone doesn't equal you're practically going to work as a couple. Just because they are poly it doesn't mean that they're okay with simply cuddling and sex.

Don't date or even be involved with non-monogamous if you can't handle their choice of relationship-lifestyle. We deserve commitment, respect and honesty as much as monogamous counterparts.

#dear monogamous people #don't trust the monos #non monogamy #non-monogamy #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamypride #relationship advice #relationship issues #polyamourous #polyam problems #polyam dating #poly life #polylife #relationship anarchy #relationshipanarchy #open relationship #non monogamous #non-monogamous

[nonmonogamy-culture-is]

Rules vs Agreements vs Boundaries

I see these confused a lot, so here’s a simple guide to them!

Rules:

Rules are things put in place to control someone else’s behavior, whether that be a partner, a metamour, or anyone else. (Yes, it’s still a rule if you have to follow it too). Rules are strict and breaking them always has some kind of punishment involved. The punishment can be anything, maybe something decided in advance (If you do X, I’ll do Y), or even just the fight you’ll get into when it’s broken. Some examples of rules in non-monogamous relationships are:

1. You can only be with people as long as I approve, and you have to dump them if I say so (veto power)

2. We can only date cis women (one-penis-policy)

3. We have to spend at least 4 nights a week together

4. No sleeping with someone else unless I’ve met them first

5. Always be home by 11:00 PM

Now, it is possible to have healthy rules in a relationship, don’t get me wrong. However, it’s also common for rules to cause resentment and mistrust in relationships. Before making a rule, please consider where you are coming from with the rule. Most rules come from places of fear, mistrust, or insecurity. You may be making assumptions about how your partner will treat you without the rule in place, assuming the worst. Once you identify the feeling behind a proposed rule, you can attack the problem at its source instead of using a rule to cover it up. It’s similar to jealousy, in that respect. If you and your partner agree the rule comes from a good and constructive place, then you have a good rule.

Agreements:

Agreements are the hardest to pin down and describe, in my opinion. Agreements are trusting each other and acknowledging each other’s needs and your commitment to meeting those to the best of your abilities. Multiamory describes the difference between the philosophy of agreements and rules as, “A philosophy of communication and trust, as opposed to a philosophy of restriction and requirement”. Please remember that the philosophy and intent behind what you and your partner agree to is more important than the language used. Regardless of whether you call it a rule or an agreement, it’s the intent that makes it healthy or unhealthy. Possible agreement alternatives to the rule examples are:

1. We will trust each other’s judgment in our other relationships, and we’ll be aware of and work through any jealousy they cause

2. We will work together to unpack the insecurities the one who set the rule had, and take agreed upon baby steps towards dating other men and/or people with penises to help ease them into the change while we work through this insecurity

3. We will spend deliberate time together each week and not take our living together for granted

4. We will stay safe during sex and be open and transparent with each other about our sex practices, and we will communicate about and work through our jealousy and insecurities together

5. We will trust each other to be safe and responsible while out, and we will keep each other updated about when we will get home and if we’ll be late so not to cause worry

Boundaries:

Boundaries are things that you can enforce all on your own. They are self-empowering, unlike rules, which give all of the power to the other person. Boundaries are a healthy way to protect yourself and a staple in all relationships. Some examples of boundaries in relationships are:

1. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive

2. I will not have unprotected sex with someone who is having unprotected sex with other people 

3. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who smokes

4. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is deceptive

5. I will not share intimate details about my other relationships with my other partners unless it directly affects them and/or our sexual safety

The only issue with boundaries is how easy it is to turn them into threats. Going back to example number three, this can be turned into a threat by saying “If you don’t stop smoking, I will leave you”. This manipulative and controlling behavior, and it puts the power back into the partners hands, so it is no longer self-empowering. It stops being a boundary entirely, both because of the power shift, the intent behind it, and the fact that you’re still in the relationship. Boundaries are the final defense. If your boundary is broken and you don’t enforce it, and instead choose to turn it into a threat to control your partner, it loses everything that makes it a boundary and becomes another way to take control. You can avoid this by making sure the focus stays on you, what you’re comfortable with, and what you’ll do to take care of yourself. Always be honest with yourself about your intentions, and never be afraid to enforce a boundary. Keeping yourself safe is more important than the relationship and/or action that is compromising that.

For more information, I highly suggest the Multiamory podcast episode “Rules vs. Agreements feat. Boundaries”. It goes a little more in-depth than I did, and it was my main resource when writing this post.

#rules vs agreements vs boundaries #rules #agreements #boundaries #relationship advice #non-monogamy #nonmonogamy #enm #polyamory #polyam #polya #relationship anarchy #educational #multiamory #multiamory podcast

[themonsterthing]

Sunrises and Solo Polyamory

Today I met god.

I don’t normally eat breakfast, but this sweet middle-aged Italian man pushed the freshly plated bread pudding at me. It was a faintly steaming, overwhelming pile of blueberries atop a moist cake layer. A stronger man than I would have crumbled. “Try it!”

I took a bite. I died.

I came back to life, and the Italian was beaming at me. “Yes? Yes!”

This morning I woke up obnoxiously early. I am hitting that old person stage of life (at the ancient age of 36) where you get up hours before everyone else, so by dawn, you’re cranky about no one else being ready to do anything. So I laid in bed, read a chapter of my book, and decided to go find the sunrise. I wandered a pre-dawn empty pier, stumbled upon some enthusiastic elder humans (see? my people) splashing into the freezing water in the fog, their little brightly coloured buoys bobbing after, the only signs they ever existed in this ethereal landscape, before I went to treat myself to sugary caffeine at a nearby bakery.

Bakers, swimmers, and photographers: sacrificing the comfort of a warm bed for our joy in life.

I left heaven clutching a to-go container of pure joy and one perfect hazelnut latte, and drove to the top of the mountain to eat it and watch the fog roll in.

And this, my friends, is why I identify as solo polyamorous.

Solo polyamory is an oft misunderstood branch of non-monogamy. It does not mean I am single but polyamorous — which is often how it is used, even by those who should know better. No, what it means is that, no matter what, I come first. Well, let’s be real, it’s my cat, my art, and then me. The definition of solo polyamory is that our first partner — our “primary” — is ourselves. Even when entangled, we come first.

This does not mean you’re not responsible for your emotions and how they affect others. To be a good human means community, and care. It does not mean I always prioritize my own needs. I am really good at empathy, at compromise. It just means that in considering how I interact with others, I negotiate from that framework.

What that looks like, in my life, is that I live without a partner, and while that may change eventually, I don’t want it to currently. And if I did, I would always need my own bedroom. Why?

Because I want the ability to wake up at 5am, read a chapter of my current book, then decide I want to go watch the sunrise — without worrying about someone in bed next to me. My cat may grumble, but he grumbles whenever I’m not in bed with him. (He’s pretty codependent.)

I want to prioritize sunrises, books, adventures, my cat.

Does it mean I don’t want to wake up next to my loved ones? Not at all. I do. I love it. But instead, I don’t want to take it for granted. I don’t want to get so comfortable, to expect their presence, that when they do choose to sleep over, my priority becomes cuddling up with them. I want my moments with them to be intentional, to be important. The trade off is not getting comfortable and lazy with a person because you know where they’ll be most nights. But that is a trade I find desirable.

I want the interactions in my relationships to be an active choice.

This is a choice I make because of trauma, I know that. Does it make it wrong? No. It is right — for me. Is it your choice? I have no idea, I’m not you. But I hope whatever you choose is healthy for you.

I want sunrises without worrying I’m disturbing my bed mate. I want to listen to music at midnight. I want to go alone to the museum, to wander undisturbed — unless I choose to do it with a companion. And then I get the joy of their presence being a choice, being intentional. I will never take it for granted, because I know it was not a given. I had to reach out, schedule, organize time with them.

It takes more effort, but that is an effort I want to give my humans. And if I need to have a quiet day with someone, where we just sit next to each other in comfortable silence, I can have that too — I just have to ask.

I am not saying it is not possible to find someone perfectly aligned, who would give you comfortable lazy mornings, and wild adventures. I just don’t want that. I don’t want just one. I want wildly different brains, different perspectives, different ideas, different backstories. And thus, polyamory.

The beauty of polyamory, of the way I live my life in general, is that no one person fills all my slots. And so it means I have a lot of room for everyone to find their own niche. Some, it’s sitting quietly. Some, it’s laughing forever over stupid internet jokes. Others, it’s wild sex. Some fill a lot of slots — I often have partners who are sex, love, friendship, adventure — but maybe not art. Maybe not getting excited by plants. I want everyone to flourish in a way that feels best to them, and authentic to our relationship. I am a wildly varied human — I have lots of space for others. And so when I have a space I feel longing for, I reach out to a friend who might fill that need.

Conversely, my friends know the spaces I can take up; the spaces I avoid. I am not your bar friend, but I am your ocean friend. I am not your gossip friend, but I am here for deep conversations at 2am about the meaning of life.

So I choose scheduling over comfort, over ease. I choose to make a lot of effort, I choose to have a deep love affair with my calendar. I choose intention. I choose sunrises, and delicious blueberry bread, and delighted bakers.

(Originally published on Medium, this is the sunrise I found.)

#polyamory #solo polyamory #values #photographer #non-monogamy #queer #thoughts and such #personal

[lemony-snickers]

Good morning/afternoon lemony!! I hope your day is going well ☀️ I just saw about tumblr eating all those asks and I had Genma and Kakashi with the prompt sentimental, canon and gn!reader! I love the stuff you've made for this event so much!!!! 💙💙💙

~🍊

hello my dear 🍊.  i really appreciated you sending this in after the Great Purge of Lemony’s Ask Box because it made it a lot easier to reconstruct the end of my request list, especially since this request and the last one were fairly similar.  so thank you.  <3  i doubt you are still kicking around in lemony land, but i hope you are quite well wherever you find yourself these days.  <3

Title:  Love & Lost Summary:  Sometimes true love doesn’t last forever; sometimes it comes around again.  (Sentimental: influenced strongly by feelings of affection or yearning.) Word Count:  7,966 Warnings:  18+ only, NSFW, gn!reader, oral sex, rimming, intercourse, polyamory/non-monogamy .

The thing about goodbyes is you don’t always see them coming.

The last time you slept with Kakashi Hatake was just before the outbreak of the Fourth Shinobi War.  It’s not as though either of you had meant for it to be the last; more so that your relationship had never been built on anything more than mutual attraction and respect, so it was easy for life to get in the way.  And there was plenty of life to get in the way during the War and immediately after.

It wasn’t love, anyway, you told yourself—had told yourself countless times over the preceding years as the affair continued sporadically—but that didn’t mean it wasn’t worthwhile. Didn’t mean you hadn’t enjoyed every moment of it.

Kakashi was a distant man, emotionally.  But physically, he could give in to the demands of his body and enjoy himself as much as most anyone.  You were happy to provide what he needed, to reap the benefits of such an arrangement in return.

(Read More on AO3)

#🍋 mix and match #lemony smutters #genma x reader x kakashi #gn!reader #genma x reader #kakashi x reader #genma smut #kakashi smut #polyamory #tw polyamory #non-monogamy #polycule #long-winded polycule clusterfuck i guess????

[aroaceconfessions]

i’m in my mid-20s and i’m gray aro/demi aro?, gray ace, and non-monogamous. i know for sure that i rarely experience romantic attraction. but i’m experiencing it now for the first time really for one of my partners. i’m also enjoying getting to know my other partner as i’m dating them even though i haven’t developed romantic feelings yet. i have found that i really enjoy dating and trying to relate to new people romantically, sexually, etc. in a way that i personally would not with a friend.

but that makes me feel like an unusual arospec person, that i’m enjoying being able to participate in alloro society and i feel like i’ve missed out for so long on learning how to be part of it. i worry that makes me not aro and i “just want to be special.”

and on the ace side, i’ve experienced sexual attraction a lot— for me. i think it might be a lower amount of times than an allo for my age. but i’m not sure, so i’m constantly questioning if i’m actually gray ace or just an allo who wants to relate to my ace partner and ace friends. and i’ve always desired sex, and wanted it a lot. i just never met anyone until now that i felt comfortable letting know i had that desire for them.

because my desires seem to match allos more than aros and aces, i feel like i shouldn’t be here in the community. but always when i look closer, i see that there’s little signs that i’m… different than allos.

just… everything, the unsureness, the not quite fitting in anywhere, constantly questioning myself, i hope that won’t be my gray experience forever. i want to feel proud of my identity like i am proud of being nonbinary, trans, and bi.

if anyone reading this feels similar, or is almost-allo-but-still-gray, please comment if i can talk with you about it, i would really appreciate it. thank you.

#greyromantic #grayromantic #greyaromantic #grayaromantic #grey-aromantic #gray-aromantic #aspec #demiromantic #questioning #non-monogamy #polyamory #polyamorous #greysexual #graysexual #greyasexual #grayasexual #grey-asexual #gray-asexual #dating #relationships

[beyond-mogai-pride-flags]

Amorous Flag

Amorous or gamous (noun: amory; gamy): an identity indicating that an individual experiences a relationship orientation; the reverse counterpart to nonamorous.

Black and white comes from monoamorous/monogamous flag (plus ambiamorous); red, yellow, and blue colors from polyamorous flag (plus ambiamorous), pink and cyan from non-monogamous flag.

Note this is to be illustrative of a conformant term. Useful for questioning people.

#amorous #amory #amoria #flag #conformant terms #identity #conformance #polyamorous #ambiamorous #monoamorous #nonmonogamy #non-monogamy #non-monogamous #nonmonogamous #non-monoamory #nonmonoamorous #nonmonoamory #polyamory #ambiamory #prideflag #prideflags #mogai flags #mod ap

[attemptatthought]

Some thoughts on monogamy

Monogamy is based on jealousy

Jealousy is a negative emotion, roughly composed of disgust, anger, and fear

Negative emotions are, at their simplest, emotions that are unpleasant to feel

Suffering is largely reliant on the existence of negative emotions, alongside non-emotional pain

So we should probably be able to agree that jealousy is not a good thing, it is not a virtuous or nice thing that you want to feel or experience

If we can agree to this, I think we should also agree that we shouldn’t go basing our lives on jealousy

This would mean we shouldn’t be monogamous

You could come to this conclusion, and on some level I think it’s correct, but ultimately there is more nuance to it than that

Jealousy, like all emotions, is only quasi-voluntary

We can regulate our emotions, we can grow past certain ones, we can become more susceptible to other ones, but we can’t necessarily choose to just stop feeling them

And we definitely can’t choose to never feel them even once

[at least not yet, but futurism isn’t the topic of this post]

Basically, some people can’t realistically be expected to stop being jealous so much to the point that they are now magically suited for non-monogamy

I think it is accurate to say that some people are just hardwired for monogamy, and to judge them for pursuing this lifestyle is unfair

Yes, this would probably mean they are more jealous, but this degree of jealousy is not their fault

We don’t choose how to feel, we can only sometimes choose what to keep feeling

Done right, a monogamous relationship between two consenting adults doesn’t harm anyone, as long as they are both truly suited for monogamy

If being monogamous doesn’t feel right for one partner, that is where there is a problem

If someone feels pained by not being able to pursue other partners, it is wrong to place this limit on them, both on an individual and societal level

[society is composed of individuals of course, so the rules of conduct between society and individuals of a society probably shouldn’t be different, or at least not notably different]

Basically, here is a cultural trope that I don’t want to hear about anymore

A monogamous couple, but only one of them really wants monogamy, and that makes them [the one who doesn’t want to be monogamous] a bad person

The most classical version of this trope is a woman who is suited for monogamy coupled with a man who isn’t, creating a divide between the two

[this of course is not the only way this happens, I just think it is the most commonly depicted one and the one most people imagine: “men are scum”]

The man wants to pursue other sexual and romantic partners, but can’t because he’s supposed to be with his partner and only her

The man’s “solution” to this is infidelity

This is obviously wrong, as it violates the trust of his partner

However, would he have felt compelled to cheat in the first place if he was suited to commit to only one partner?

Would this tragedy have even happened if the man felt he could openly communicate to his partner that he didn’t want to be exclusive?

I think it might not have happened, so why does it?

I think a big reason why these sort of situations happen in the first place is amatonormativity

Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone prospers with an exclusive romantic relationship

This assumption dominates a lot of culture, and as a result leads to unnecessarily restrictive social norms

It is these social norms that drive people to pursue monogamous relationships despite not actually being suited for them, which leads to compromising situations like committing infidelity

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the only reason people cheat is because they are marginalized non-monogamous people enticed into dishonesty by unfair social customs

What I am hypothesizing is that a not negligible amount of affairs and relationship issues in general may arise that way, not all of them

They aren’t all cheaters, but I hypothesize a lot of cheaters are just that; marginalized non-monogamous people enticed into dishonesty by unfair social customs

I think it is very misguided to be harsh judges period, but especially of people who wouldn’t even be doing anything wrong in the first place if it wasn’t for society’s obsession with a jealousy based tradition

So anyways that’s pretty much all I got

Am I right? Am I wrong? Bit of both? Please let me know in the comments, and thank you for reading

#non-monogamy #monogamy #amatonormativity #ethics

[polyamzeal]

X-Men '97, Episode 5 - Writing Mature Jealousy

               I want to go over episode 5 of X-Men 97, titled Remember Me, because it has a very good portrayal of how to write jealousy well and in a mature way. Now since this a polyamory blog I know everyone is just going to assume I am going to say, “All their problems would be fixed by polyamory.” As tempting as that is I am not going to do that! Well the X-Men comics have recently touched upon actual polyamory representation I don’t think it works for this incarnation in particular but I do think by looking at it through a polyamorous lens we see some very interesting stuff going on that deeply monogamous folk might miss. So I want to take this opportunity as a lesson we can all learn from about how to write portray jealousy as a more nuaniced and interesting complex emotion rather than a one-note toxic trope we often see it reduced to. Obviously spoilers below the cut.

               So going to assume you have seen episodes 1-4 up until this point so not going to spend long on setups but quick setup. Rouge and Gambit have have had an unofficial relationship that everybody knows about for some time now. But as Rogue’s old flame Magneto enters the scene she has been tempted by him. Meanwhile, Cyclops just found out that the mother of his child is actually a clone of the woman he loved instead of actually her and doesn’t know when the swap happened. Plus the original and clone share memories to make it even more complicated. Now that the clone, Madelyne Pryor, has left, Cyclops is unsure how to feel about the real Jean Grey.

                I thought I would be starting further along in the episode but let’s talk about Gambit’s arrival in Genosha. Right away we get Magneto subtlety exerting superiority over Gambit yet Gambit stays cool and doesn’t show that it bothers him. He makes a comment about two being better than three though to show that he doesn’t like Magneto interfering in his relationship. But the character drama really begins when Nightcrawler talks to Gambit. He urges Gambit to marry Rouge but Gambit replies about how he knows that Rogue wants somebody other than him and he basically says that he doesn’t deserve love. You see, Gambit has done a lot of shady stuff in his past and while he may act cool deep down he feels like Rogue deserves someone better than him. So we have a dichotomy between Gmabit’s brain that approves of Rogue hooking up with another man and his heart who does still want her all to himself as selfish as that is. This internal struggle makes up the entire character arc for Gambit this episode.

               But let us move on the first of many big shockers of the episode! Jean Grey kissing Wolverine! As Jean is reminiscing about what to do about Cyclops and how they have been distant, Wolverine tries to give her advice as a friend. But he also slips up and lets out some of his own romantic feelings for her. Unexpectedly she returns them with a kiss! I get the vibe that a lot of fans might have cheered in celebration, “Wolverine is going to get the girl like he should unlike that jerk, Cyclops!” But as Wolverine just reminded us, he is far more mature than that. In an act of true selflessness, he instead forgives her for her cheating and tells her to instead go patch things up with Cyclops. He made it clear that he loves her but also he has been down this road before and knows that he isn’t the best man for her and if he really cares about her then she needs to be with the right man for her, Cyclops. This is actually very similar to the dichotomy Gambit suffers but with a 100 more years of experience and maturity, he commits to his brain over his heart and without the same hesitation.

               We get a quick cut back to Rogue and Magneto who gives this great line, “As with Gambit, loving you makes broken men whole." But let us have them on pause for just a little bit longer.

               Instead let us focus on Cyclops having a touching intimate moment with who we think is Jean but instead it is the clone, Madelyne, having a psychic affair with him from half-way across the world. Not related to the topic of this article but a nice little extra detail is that Emma Frost, another telepath, totally 'saw' everything that Madelyne was doing. But back to the affair, Jean interrupts them and a drama-bomb explodes! Cyclops admits that he loves both Jean Grey and Madelyne Pryor but again I am not resorting to “non-monogamy is the answer here.” Afterall a psychic-powered clone is involved here, more than just a twin, so not exactly normal real life situration. But it does bring up hard questions of how to choose just one. Again Cyclops’s brain is probably telling him the one he loves is Jean Grey, that seems like the right answer. But his heart loves his son and therefor loves the one who he knows is the actual mother, Madelyne. As such we have the 3rd brain-heart romance dichotomy of the episode except this one has the most uncertainty and confusion involved. On the other side with Jean, we get into the philosophical question of having memories of loving someone versus feeling love for someone. It is deep! The Phoenix urging Jean to travel the cosmos might also seem unrelatable to real-life but I think you can equate it to someone that has a job opportunity to travel and make more money but they would need to leave behind their lover, something lots of people do struggle with.

One last thing I want to address is again I am sure some fans are extra mad at Jean in this scene. She just cheated on Cyclops and now she is mad at Cyclops for cheating on her. This level of hypocrisy might rub me people extra rough. But I want to ask this question, would she have been more or less mad at Cyclops’s cheating if she did not just cheat herself first? I think either has its arguments but I honestly think less. She knows she cheated and messed up so now she is putting in effort to mend and fix that. Just to see that Cyclops is also cheating but not repenting like she did. This anger she is taking out on him for cheating is amplified by her own guilt and shame for having just cheated as well. Maybe even more fueled by being rejected by Wolverine as well. It is spicey but also very realistic.

               Back to Rogue and Gambit. How is Gambit going to find about Rogue’s relationship with Magneto? In what way will he discover them in the act and cause drama? Actually, she comes right out and confesses to him. I love them avoiding that trope and instead giving us a brutally honest heart-wrenching confession scene instead. And again, Gambit does not react like a 13-year child, instead he calmly asks if she is going to accept it. Explains how he has respected her wishes to not be official but this still hurts. Rogue unloads her heart upon him explaining her unmet needs, the physical incompatibility they have together. And we are given the very realistic question of physical needs versus non-physical needs. Are physical needs a deal-breaker in a relationship? The scene concludes with Gambit being as smooth as always by saying he bets Magneto will break her heart but until then he will respect just being friends with her and givers her permission to pursue Magneto. He maturely wants what is best for her even though it hurts him.

               As we transition to the Gala itself we see Rogue living it up in her full splendor! Magneto joins her and they make a big spectacle of the two touching which Gambit sees. This is another scene I have seen some people have very weird takes on Gambit’s emotions here. Many read anger and jealousy as I am sure many in the same shoes would feel. But I see more of the dichotomy at war again. He wants best for her and sees outright that Magneto can give her something he can’t. He even says as much to Madelyn right beforehand. He is happy for her but it still hurts and is just too much hurt for him to handle so he has to step away to protect his own feelings out of respect for Rogue.

               By the way, the animation on Rogue is beautiful here! There is so much visual storytelling going on with her feelings that shown more than told. We get the sense that she really wants this and indulges in it to the fullest. But there are still doubts in the back of her mind. Is it all for real or just a performance that she has bought into. She enjoys it and had fun but decides that she actually does want Gambit more.

               Rightful so the rest of the episode from this point on does not have much time for romantic drama. What I do really like is we get to see the Gambit-Rogue-Magneto love triangle function under an emergency. A terrorist attack happens and they all put on their work face, because this is the work that they handle. Any romantic squabbles are set aside. Magneto asks Gambit the situation without any of previous boosting over him or even hard feelings that Rogue just admitted to choosing him. And then immediately they form a plan as a team to take care of the threat like they always would. They are professionals. We do get a scene of Rogue trying to save Magneto and Gambit needing to hold her back. Then Magneto protects not just Rogue but both of them as he sacrifices himself. Again understanding that feelings can’t get involved here, they have a duty to protect people.

               Some people find the final scene extra tragic because Gambit died thinking Rogue choose Magneto over him. But I don’t think it matters. He would have sacrificed himself to save her regardless of what she choose.

               To summarize they are some many scenes in this episode where I expected characters to follow troupes and throw jealousy-fueled temper tantrums. Instead it was one of the most refreshingly mature portrayals of adult jealousy I have seen in any show. No, the answer is not “Polyamory would have fixed all of this.” But instead we get, “Toxic monogamy is not the only way to write a story.” It makes the characters so much more relatable and enjoyable to watch just to see them not drown in toxic monogamy and petty jealousy. I hope more stories can learn from these examples.

#x men 97 #jealousy #non-monogamy #writting #Storytelling

[polythought]

I've always tried to be a serial NONmonogamist.

That probably sounds kinda funny. Because I still have multiple relationships in parallel, it's true. But my approach to NEW relationships is serial.

As in: I don't start pursuing new connections unless I am pretty sure I wouldn't be beyond my polysaturation point if I kept seeing everyone I'm already seeing AND anyone new I'm pursuing.

I'm looking for long-term, ongoing relationships, regardless of how often I see the person. So I go into every first date with the baseline assumption that it will go that way, even though of course there's no guarantee it will, which is also okay. Once I know I've got enough partners + prospective partners to consider myself polysaturated, I hold off on going on any more first dates until the sum total of my existing/prospective relationships means I still have room to add someone new. Sometimes, this happens even without a breakup, such as when I figure out that schedules mean a new sweetie and I can only see each other pretty rarely. And sometimes it happens because of a breakup.

But I never want it to happen because my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I've experienced how rotten it feels to realize you've been passed over for a shiny new thing, even when the person you've been seeing wasn't necessarily UNinterested in you. They've just gotten in over their head, and due to the limited number of hours in the day, ended up choosing someone other than you.

This year marks a decade I've been polyamorous, which is wild to think about. Anyway, my approach seemed to work reasonably well for me for, hmm, maybe the first five years or so. I don't really know what shifted since then. And I don't know if it's a shift in my local scene or if it's widespread. I'm interested to hear if others have noticed this, too. The problem I've been running into in more recent years is that more, if not most, people on the nonmongamous dating scene are dating in parallel, not serially.

The approach I see is that people go on dates freely. Over time, they figure out which connections they want to invest in. The other people may be formally told they're no longer a priority, but more likely, they get breadcrumbed. We're all supposed to be chill, keeping things casual by default unless or until two people just so happen to align in wanting more.

This...has caused me problems. I'm the antithesis of a casual dater. Sometimes feelings don't develop for one or both people, and that's okay. Sometimes I would rather be FWB. But I tend to figure that out later, only after getting to know someone with the intent of figuring out whether we're a match for a serious LTR.

Turns out there's a clash between these approaches that has led to me feeling disempowered. What happens is that I take someone at their word early in dating when they say they're interested in seeing me again but they don't name a time, for whatever reason. Because I believe their words, I do not schedule other first dates because I do not want to let a new person down when the previous person comes back around. The feeling I've had is that by saying "yes, let me know when you're free!" to the first person, I then owe it to them to keep enough availability in my schedule to follow through when they come back and name the times they're free.

And to an extent, that's true; that IS how I want to be. And I still offer it. But I've been needing to put a much shorter time limit on that than I have in the past.

Because I've spent weeks, months even, avoiding swiping on dating apps or trying to meet new people while waiting for someone who's put me on hold but never actually comes back around. As a serial dater myself, I want to take someone seriously when they say they're going to get back to me about scheduling. Because if I say something like that, I mean it. And if I realize after saying it that I didn't really mean it (because yes, I've been there too!), I circle back to the person, apologize, and tell them that I've realized I'm not feeling a connection. Unfortunately, I've learned others don't reliably do the same. (Disclaimer: I know that sometimes, direct communication to reject someone can be unsafe. I don't fault people for avoiding it in that situation.)

So that I don't put my dating life on hold anymore for parallel daters, my new approach is more like this: If someone says they'd like to see me again but can't say when (especially if they don't name a time *when* they'll be able to make a plan), I let them know that I'd love to hear from them, and that if my availability still allows when they're ready to schedule, I'd be happy to make a plan.

That "if my availability still allows" bit is the crux of it.

In the past, I would have thought that it was my obligation to people I already knew not to move on when they say their interest is still there. Now, I know that I'm in charge of how long I'm willing to wait. I worried about letting down a new person. Now, I know that I don't have to: I can choose to prioritize the new person I've met, assuming they're reliably scheduling time with me, and I can instead turn down the person who kept me on the back burner.

This doesn't mean I always will need to do that! Maybe the previous person comes back around and I happen to still have space. I'll probably be genuinely happy to schedule with them if so. This isn't about punishing them.

Also, the longer I've known someone with a pattern of seeing them, the more flexible I'm likely to be: Trust builds up over time. I usually like to know during or shortly after a date when my next date will be with someone; clearly, I'm a planner. I used to consider that a non-negotiable, but I've gotten more flexible about that over time. Still, there are limits. Eventually, I've got to know roughly how often I'm going to see someone (through actions, not just words), or I'll end up holding space for them that I could be offering to someone else (and also myself, to build the love life that I want).

#polyamory #nonmonogamy #non-monogamy #nonmonogamous dating #polyam dating

[mordcore]

unethical non-monogamy: the aurinko crime family

#relationship anarchy #non-monogamy #tpp #the penumbra podcast #my stuff #shitpost