#my personal relationship with my faith is my own business and something no one else needs to get involved in

[homunculus-argument]

"Maybe magic, maybe mundane" is one of my favourite tropes, especially when it's featured in something where magic could plausibly exist.

One book idea that I had that is currently only a pile of haphazard notes features a character only known as The Queen's Mute - or simply "the mute" for short - who is exactly what it says on the tin: the queen's personal jester, who does not speak. He is also ambiguously human. An eerie, elfin creature who seems to find it funny when people are puzzled by him.

Besides being completely silent, he has an uncanny skill in copying how people hold themselves and move. Gait, posture, the expressions they make, he could just be standing completely still doing nothing, and it's still obvious whether he's standing like the king or the head cook. If you've seen the subject once, you'll know who he's impersonating. He's quick to spot every opportunity to insult someone by doing so - like spotting a nobleman who isn't faithful to his wife and following after him across the room in the exact same gait that his mistress walks in. The king once remarks that he can't understand how the hell someone who can't speak can have so many rude things to say.

The protagonist was sent to spy on the queen, and the mute is almost always with her - making no sound, not even footsteps, but making himself seen, and seeing and hearing everything. One never hears him come or go, he is just suddenly there, sitting on the floor, waiting to see who's the first person to glance down and get startled out of their mind because people don't just pop out of nowhere like that. Being fond of climbing furniture as well, he might also be sitting on top of a shelf.

Though the protagonist first assumes that he is somewhere close to her own age - somewhere in his late teens - and the narration refers to him as "boy" more often than "man", the queen corrects her. He is just as grown now as he was when she first brought him with her, and though she doesn't know his exact age, she knows he is older than she is herself.

The king - despite of being the mute's favourite subject of vicious mockery - tolerates him for some reason. Despite of being aware that the relationship between the queen and the jester is romantic as well as sexual in nature. Their marriage is as loveless as political arranged marriages get, so he finds it preferable to let the queen keep her mute if his taunting antics and his unsettling way of just appearing into places at least keep other men away.

The queen occasionally mentions things that she wasn't supposed to know - and couldn't have known - just to let the protagonist know that she knows more about what's going on than what she lets on. When the protagonist fails to hide her shock and asks the queen how she knew, the queen explains that the mute told it to her. The protagonist assumes this to be a joke, her way of saying "none of your business", since obviously the mute doesn't talk.

But he does talk. Only to the queen, only when absolutely no other soul is there to hear it. And as a plot twist on the last third of the book, it turns out that besides knowing how to move like other people, the mute is a frighteningly good vocal mimic. He can copy the queen's voice perfectly, which they have often used for her advantage. Looking back to every scene where the queen was heard but not seen - behind a curtain or a dressing screen, talking through a door, or just overheard singing to herself in the garden - there is no telling whether the protagonist was actually talking with the queen, or if she had that whole conversation with the mute. This would explain at least one incident where the queen was supposed to be in one place but somehow shows up somewhere else.

The protagonist never figures out what the mute's whole deal is. She never finds a satisfying answer despite of the queen clearly telling her that he is just as much a human of flesh and blood as either of them. The queen often sounds like she's lying when she's telling the truth, as she is now. The mute is completely, entirely human, just somewhat autistic and trans.

[cinnamostar]

01: self-fulfilling prophecy 

part two.

pairing : jisung x gn!reader

summary : han jisung, the man who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for more than a few months. han jisung, the man who is in complete denial that maybe he is the problem. han jisung, the man who has convinced himself he isn’t meant for love.

wc : 8.5k

cw : not proof read, nonidol!au, alcohol/drinking, sadness, angst, arguing, cursing, some cute stuff. plz let me know if i missed anything.

a/n : likes, reblogs, and feedback is much appreciated!! not too confident on this one because idk, i feel like the dialogue isn’t well executed, but let me know what you think. please enjoy!

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Jisung didn’t exactly have the best track record when it came to romance. He never did anything exceedingly horrendous, he always remained faithful in each relationship he had, but they never lasted long. He simply didn’t know how to be a good partner, always too focused on his own needs to the point that his selfishness turned into emotional neglect for the other. 

It’s not that he didn’t like the people he dated. He genuinely adored them for who they were, yet he always found himself heartbroken and confused at the end of each relationship when they would all voice the same exact reasonings on why they were ending it. 

“I just don’t feel like you care about my feelings.”

“It feels like you don’t even like me enough to put in the effort to make this work.”

“I don’t feel like a priority in your life.”

“I swear you forget we’re even in a relationship.”

“You’re too focused on yourself and everything else to even make time for me.”

Like clockwork, a few months would pass by and his partner would sit him down for the break up talk. It was exhausting. He was clueless, not having any idea what he was doing so wrong even though he would always receive a list of reasons each time. In his eyes, he was doing the best he could, but perhaps his best was not enough. 

Of course he cared for their feelings! Of course he liked them, he could’ve sworn he was doing his damnedest. Not a priority? That was ridiculous, he always made time to spend with his partner during the week despite his busy schedule. Forget? Nonsense! Too focused on himself? Well, of course he was focused on pursuing his music career which required long hours at the studio, why would he want to be with someone who didn’t support his endeavors? They knew what they were getting into when they met him!

It made zero sense to Jisung. At some point, he had given up on love altogether. Maybe he just wasn’t meant for it, maybe relationships were just not his thing. Clearly, he was doing something wrong and he decided that maybe hook up culture was just where he belonged. 

What Jisung failed to realize was that he was forcing his own ideals of a relationship onto his partners. The idea that people had different needs and perceptions on how relationships should function never dawned on him. He never thought to consider what the other person wanted and had simply assumed they would be content with whatever he had to offer. 

He forgot that some people needed more reassurance. He forgot some people wanted to go on actual dates, not everyone considered a night in a date, especially if every date was a night in. He forgot that some people didn’t just want to sit in a room with him while he was on his phone or working on his next project. Sometimes people wanted his undivided attention. Sometimes people wanted to be able to hold a conversation with him. Sometimes people needed more communication because quite frankly, three texts a day didn’t quite cut it for most people.

Yet, Jisung was too absorbed in his own world and his passions to even begin to understand that concept. He absolutely refused to believe he was doing something wrong and that he was just dating the wrong people this whole time. He just hadn’t found the one, right?

Despite that foolish belief he stubbornly held onto, it didn’t mean each instance didn’t take a hit on his ego. After the many failed relationships he had been through, the fear of inadequacy and insecurity began to creep into his mind. Was he not worthy of love? Was he incapable of forming a healthy relationship? Was something wrong with him?

He felt that he had so much love to offer in his heart, but he had no idea what it took to be a good partner. He was too tunnel visioned on producing and music to realize that sometimes, love and relationships required a bit of sacrifice, and that was something he refused to do.

Yet, Jisung wanted to fall in love. Like any other human on earth, he craved to love and be loved, to be understood wordlessly by someone else, but it seemed like love didn’t welcome him with open arms. He desperately wanted to feel like he was needed and wanted, to feel the bubbling shyness and giddiness that only love could give him, but somehow, it seemed that he was the victim of a paradox. Love hated him.

However, Jisung had resigned and accepted defeat. He wasn’t cut out for it. Besides, it’s not like anyone would even bother to give him a chance anymore. After a few failed relationships, people were quick to label him as ‘trash’ and a terrible boyfriend, only good for fun, but definitely nothing more. It was almost as if he had a permanent warning label above his head that scared off anyone who had any remote interest in him. 

People talked. And if anyone so much expressed any interest in him, someone would leap in to rescue them from a foreseeable heartbreak, telling them he was no good and a waste of time. Oh, but if you wanted a few nights of fun and to just fool around, he was perfect for that, but never, and absolutely under no circumstances, was he someone to settle down with. 

He was the only one to blame for his infamy in the dating scene, but Jisung was suffering from a case of extreme delusion and oblivion. Maybe one day he would lose that self-centered immaturity and have a much needed epiphany, but that day seemed far off in the future.

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For the past week, Jisung had holed himself in his studio, insistent on perfecting his latest track by some arbitrary deadline he had set for himself. This was a regular occurrence that his friends had gotten used to. They would be more surprised if this didn’t happen, but this also meant that they had to pay a visit to his studio every few days and force him to take a break for the sake of his mental and physical health. 

Today was one of those days in which Minho came knocking at his door after unlocking the door with the passcode Jisung had given him long ago, reminding him to come by his place later that night for a small party to celebrate his dance troop’s recent competition win. While Jisung was proud of this achievement, part of him felt a tad bit annoyed that he had to interrupt his work schedule for someone else, but Minho was one of his best friends, he at the very least should show up for a bit. He could stay for an hour or two, and hopefully by then everyone would be a little too drunk to notice he had escaped back to his studio.

Jisung sighed as he begrudgingly made his way to Minho’s apartment, dreading the amount of people he would have to socialize with tonight. He was relieved to know that a few familiar faces would be there, such as Hyunjin and Felix, who were also part of the troop, but the team had also gone through auditions recently, meaning there would be people he would have to meet for the first time.

He wasn’t one for befriending strangers, as oftentimes, many of them had a negative impression of him due to his dating history. He hated how every time he introduced himself, as soon as the words “Han Jisung” left his mouth, people’s faces would drop into an unreadable expression, almost as if they were disappointed to finally meet the man who was rumored to be complete and utter trash. It was anxiety-inducing and turned him off from seeking out new friendships because everyone would always say “Oh! Did you used to date my friend?” And at that moment, he knew it was over. They hated him before they even got to know him. As a result, Jisung always felt apprehensive when it came to meeting new people and he much preferred sticking with his small circle of friends. 

As Jisung arrived at the front steps of Minho’s apartment, he felt his shoulders tense up with trepidation as he subconsciously bit the inside of his cheek. The party had already started with the music blaring throughout the building, the lights dimmed with colorful LEDs visible from the window. A chorus of joyful cheers followed by the clinking of shot glasses and laughter could be heard from outside, signaling that the party was already in full swing. Jisung let out an uneasy groan, unprepared for what the night would bring, but reassured himself knowing that he only needed to stay for at least an hour before he could retreat back to the safe haven known as his studio.

After a sharp inhale, Jisung put on a fake smile as he opened the door, instantly greeted by a drunken Changbin who was double fisting two beers, wearing a toothy smile.

“Jisung! You made it!”

The last thing Jisung wanted tonight was to be put in the spotlight, which Changbin just unknowingly thrust him into with no warning. Others nearby turned their attention to the front door, some choosing to ignore Jisung’s presence to continue their conversations while others politely waved or called out a quick hello. 

Minho shortly appeared in Jisung’s vision, grinning from ear to ear as he pulled him into a one-armed hug, “Glad you showed up, I was worried you forgot!” An airy chuckle escaped Minho as Jisung gasped, feigning a look of betrayal while playfully shoving Minho’s shoulder, “How dare you think I’d forget my best friend’s party? I would never!”

Minho rolled his eyes at Jisung’s gesture before dragging him by his wrist. “Whatever you say, but c’mon! I want you to meet our new members. Plus, you look a little too stiff for my liking,so  let's get some drinks in ya first.”

Suddenly, shot glasses filled with tequila were shoved into Jisung’s hand as people egged him on to down them, chasing the two shots with lime and salt to cut through the harshness of the alcohol. A familiar buzz took over his senses, his head feeling lighter than usual as a lopsided smile appeared on his face while the nervousness he felt earlier quickly dissipated. 

The bit of liquid courage energized Jisung enough to forget all the now seemingly silly concerns he had earlier as he jumped through the bunches of people, excitedly yapping away as he caught up with friends and introduced himself to new people. Each time he noticed someone cringing at the sound of his name or giving him a dirty look, he would promptly take another shot to rid himself of the anxiety he was feeling, hoping the alcohol would make him just unaware enough of any other glares he would receive from people that night.

Eventually, Jisung made his way to the loft upstairs to take a break from the hectic party below, already feeling a headache coming on. He stumbled his way to the couch, not paying much mind to his surroundings as he plopped himself onto the couch, immediately throwing his head back while shutting his eyes.

“Oh, he definitely overdid it again,” laughed Felix from the left of him, “How many shots did you take?”

Jisung waved his hand as if he was shooing Felix away while mumbling, “Don’t even ask.”

He heard an unfamiliar giggle erupt from the right side of him, causing him to sit straight up with his eyes wide, hastily snapping his head to see who the laugh belonged to, not expecting anyone other than his friends here.

He found himself staring into your eyes that were crinkled from laughing, a lax smile adorning your face as you brought up a hand to hide behind. Your laugh was rich and decadent, almost as sweet as chocolate, and your smile was so refreshing that it instantly roused him from his drunken state the moment his eyes landed on you.

Oh, shit, they’re cute.

Jisung’s inebriated state had caused him to lose all self-awareness because all he could do was gawk at you with enamored eyes, his lips slightly parted as he struggled to find the words to introduce himself. He felt his face flush from embarrassment when you returned his gaze while wearing an expectant expression, patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence.

“I- Oh, uhm, I…”

You had instantly captured his heart with the most saccharine smile he has ever seen and within a few seconds, Jisung was undeniably smitten, but he was also completely making a fool of himself within those same few seconds.

“Jesus christ, Jisung, how drunk are you?” howled Hyunjin, who had gotten up to lightly poke Jisung’s cheek, “Helloooo, earth to Jisung? Anyone home?”

“Dude… Close your mouth before you start drooling over there. I don’t think that’s an image you want Y/N to have during your first meeting,” Seungmin, who was sitting on the floor, mischievously sneered, quickly recognizing Jisung’s speechless state was caused by something more than just alcohol. Jisung shook his head side to side to wake himself from his lovestruck daze, clearing his throat in an attempt to cover up Seungmin’s comment. 

“Mm, sorry! I just-,” 

Oh, this is bad, he really is making this so much worse for himself. He was now regretting all the shots from earlier as he tripped over his words, his nerves not being of any help. He desperately was trying to say something sensible, but instead, all he could blurt out was,

“Jisung! I’m Jisung… yeah!”

Now it is a lot worse as Jisung cringed at how loud and annoying his voice was, everyone else also seemingly cowering from second hand embarrassment as they watched the scene unfold, but no one was able to peel their eyes away.

Like an angel sent from heaven, Felix decided to have mercy on the brown haired boy, peeking out from behind Jisung to meet your eyes at the other side of the couch. “Y/N, this is our friend Jisung! He makes music with Changbin and Chan. Jisung, this is Y/N. They’re one of our newest members on the team.” God, Jisung could kiss Felix right now from how relieved he was to have alleviated the awkward tension he had just created moments earlier.

You nodded, smiling at Jisung as your eyes lit up in realization, “Oh, Jisung? I’ve heard about you before.”

Ah, there it is. Of course! Of course you have and how stupid of him to think he’d be able to have an untarnished first impression with you and-

“Minho says so many good things about you! He even showed me some of your songs. You’re really talented at what you do, I definitely added a few to my playlist.”

Someone pinch Jisung right now because he must be dreaming, there’s absolutely no way. Is luck finally on his side? Has God finally decided to be oh-so-merciful today? He was on cloud nine as he relished in your compliments, savoring this moment because this may never happen again.

Jisung clicked his teeth as he waved both his hands in front of him with a flustered smile, “Oh, no, no, no, I am not that good! But thank you!” The alcohol was really doing a number on him as he slurred over each syllable, but thankfully he was coherent enough for everyone to understand what he said. 

You let out a breathy laugh at his antics while standing from your seat, “Well, it's nice to finally put a face to the name, but I do have to go now, I have to be up early.”

Jisung deflated as everyone wished you good night, feeling disappointed how quickly your first meeting with him ended. Hyunjin stood up, offering to walk you out and once you were out of earshot, Jisung whipped his head to Felix.

“Felix… Who was that? How long have you been hiding them from me?”

Seungmin struggled to contain his laugh, earning a confused look from Jisung, “What are you laughing at?”

“Dude, you. You looked so stupid trying to talk to them.”

Jisung threw himself back into the couch, sinking into the cushions with an embarrassed groan, “Shut up, I know.”

Felix laughed, shooting Jisung a pitiful smile, “You’ve done worse, it’s fine. And no one was hiding them from you, you just never show up when we invite you anywhere. That is your own fault, not ours!” Jisung pouted, cursing himself mentally for rejecting all those plans.

“They’re cool, they’ve been on our team for a few months. Crazy good at dancing too, we are super lucky to have them.”

“Are they dating anyone?”

The room grew quiet at Jisung’s question as Seungmin and Felix looked at each other with uneasiness, unsure how to respond. Hyunjin had come back up the stairs after walking you to your car, just in time to hear Jisung. He let out a heavy sigh, alerting everyone of his presence.

“I… I think it's best if you just leave them alone, Jisung. They’re a really sweet person and you, well…”

“Me what? What do you mean?” Jisung furrowed his eyebrows at Hyunjin as the taller boy struggled to finish his thought.

“Just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Seriously, Jisung? I know you’re wasted right now, but don’t make me say it. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

And he did, he knew that Hyunjin was referring to his dating history, but Jisung felt himself growing angry hearing his friend allude to him being a bad partner, suggesting he would hurt you. 

“No, I want to hear you say it,” Jisung spat out, a scowl painted all over his face as he stared down Hyunjin with his arms crossed, who was still standing by the stairs. He felt himself become warm in frustration as all the insecurities he held close to his heart started to bubble up. Did his own friend’s think so poorly of him too?

Felix reached out to put a reassuring hand on Jisung’s shoulder, hoping to defuse the situation, “Let’s not do this right now. You’re still drunk, Jisung.” Jisung shook Felix’s hand off his shoulders, standing up while still glaring at Hyunjin with clenched fists. 

“Say it.”

“Jisung-” warned Felix, but he was cut off by Seungmin.

“You’re a shit boyfriend, Jisung. We don’t need you hurting someone we’re friends with again.”

The room was silent as everyone now stared at Seungmin with wide eyes, startled at how blunt he was being. Jisung didn’t know what he was feeling as a flash of rage took over his body, but at the same time, he felt his heart drop hearing those words come out of his own friend’s mouth. It was now Hyunjin’s turn to butt in,

“Seungmin, stop-”

“No, he needs to hear it straight up. He fucking sucks and you all know I’m right. I’m tired of him acting like he isn’t the problem. Leave Y/N alone. They’re better off without you.”

Jisung felt hot tears well up in his eyes as he took in every one of Seungmin’s words, each casting daggers into his heart. His worst nightmares were coming true as he realized that it wasn’t just strangers and ex-lovers who viewed in such a negative light, but the people he trusted so much, his own friends, also thought the same of him. The fury laced in Seungmin’s voice cut Jisung deep as every syllable pushed him over the edge til Jisungfound himself falling into a pit of sadness and hurt, his stomach flipping onto itself on his way down.

Was he really that bad? Wait, no! How dare Seungmin say such a thing to him? What does Seungmin even know about Jisung’s past relationship? He was stepping out of line! The sadness instantly subsided, soon being replaced with a familiar feeling of denial and anger as Jisung stomped towards Seungmin, crouching down to meet him on the floor. Jisung sloppily grabbed Seungmin by the collar of his shirt, pulling him close to his face.

“What the fuck did you just say? Take it back right fucking now,” growled Jisung, venom dropping down from each word.

Seungmin rolled his eyes, pushing the drunken boy off him who stumbled backwards, “See, this right here is your problem. You can’t even begin to accept that you’re in the wrong.” Seungmin stood up, now looking down at Jisung who still hadn’t regained his balance. He took in an exasperated inhale, a subdued smile replacing the vexed look he just had as he softened his tone, “Look, Jisung. I love and care for you, but I cannot turn a blind eye and let you hurt someone else. I mean it. Leave them alone.” With that, Seungmin made his way to the stairs, wanting nothing more than to get away from Jisung at that moment before he said something he’d later regret.

Jisung remained seated on the floor as he was processing the words and emotions that were rushing in all at once, his drunken brain unsure how to handle all the information he was just fed. He laid his head into his hands as his brain echoed Seungmin’s words again and again. 

Jisung felt his breath get caught in his throat as he hiccuped a quiet sob, his body starting to tremble as the tears he was holding back for so long finally fell. His body collapsed onto itself as his heart stuttered in his chest, his lungs burning from the lack of air as he continued to inconsolably weep, struggling to breathe between his cries. 

Maybe he is as bad as everyone said he was.

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A few weeks had gone by since Jisung and Seungmin’s argument at the party, but the tension between the two boys didn’t last long as Seungmin showed up to Jisung’s apartment the very next day with a bowl of soup for his hangover and an apology, which Jisung graciously accepted, neither wanting to be upset at each other any longer. 

Despite that, the words Seungmin had said never left Jisung, leaving a permanent scar on his brain as he constantly recalled the moment. The words painfully rang through his ears as a ball of shame and misery formed in his stomach while he reminisced about his past relationships, trying to figure out what he did so wrong. 

Jisung felt horrible as he carried this weight of guilt on his shoulders as he wondered how his actions had hurt others and how he had remained oblivious for so long. All the insecurities and fears he had about himself were true at the end. Everyone around him was in agreement that he was the issue and he was the one behaving so selfishly in every relationship. He could understand that and he knew if his friend’s felt that way, it had to be the truth, but he was still struggling to identify what exactly about him and his behavior was so bad. 

Sure, he could reach out and ask his friends to help see what he was missing, but he was too afraid to face the reality of the situation, not ready to take another brutal beating of words. He was terrified to hear the truth, but he knew the same conclusion he came to long ago remained true. Love was just not for him, it didn’t want him the same way he did.

Everyone had taken note of Jisung’s downtrodden mood and thought he had just needed a few days to collect himself, but once everyone realized more time had passed and that he didn’t even have the will to attend a recording session with Chan and Changbin, everyone went into crisis mode. So, over the last few weeks, someone would show up to Jisung’s house to check in on him and either spend a few hours with him at home, or forcefully drag him out the house to spend time with the group, insisting it would help him feel better.

Each time someone had forced him out, he would be huffing and sulking like a grumpy toddler throwing a tantrum, but as soon as he got there, he would be as cheery as ever and would end the day feeling a lot better. He hated how right his friends were, but he was always thankful for every time they dragged him out despite his whiny and bratty attitude.

However, there was another mental battle Jisung was fighting that everyone was unaware of, or so he thought, and he was definitely not coming out of it as a winner. Unfortunately for Jisung, since the time you joined Minho’s dance team, you had hit it off so well with the rest of the group that you were there almost every time Jisung joined you guys on an outing. And each day he spent with you, he found himself falling more and more for you. 

He was really trying to stop himself, as he took Seungmin’s words to heart and imagined that sentiment was shared with everyone else, but this task was becoming an impossible one for Jisung to tackle!

It was weird. Every time he’d get invited out, Jisung would dread seeing you because he knew he was doomed to a hopeless, unrequited love with you, but if you weren’t there, he would be so disappointed and would find himself wanting to go home sooner. He wanted to stay as far away from you as possible, but something about you drew him in and he couldn’t resist and now here he is, finding himself in a friendship with you that he could not escape. 

It’s not that he didn't want to be friends with you, if anything he loved the friendship you two had grown in such a short time and how quickly he became fond of you. You were incredibly sweet to Jisung, constantly showing your consideration for him everyday in new ways. If he ever felt anxious or out of place, you were the first to take notice and offer to get him out of whatever stuffy social situation he was in and stay with him til he was ready to join the others again. If he had decided to stay in that day, you’d send him a message letting know he was missed and hoped to see him the next time. There was even a time where he was too sick to leave the house, and much to his surprise, he found you and Minho at his front door steps with food and medicine.

Somehow, unlike everyone else before you, you had shown him a special kind of unwavering kindness and didn’t judge him for his past. For the first time in years, he finally felt safe and unconditionally loved in a friendship that wasn’t one of the boys. That was enough for Jisung to know that you were someone he wanted to keep in his life for as long as possible, even if it meant he had to confront eventual heartbreak and only stay by your side as nothing more than a friend. 

But, that was okay. That was more than enough for him because as long as you were there, he would give you his all and support you endlessly. He would do anything to see you smile, anything to ensure your happiness, and if that meant he couldn’t be your lover, then that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Besides, no one has ever been happy with him in a relationship. This was how it had to be, this is how he could protect you from himself.

Regardless of how Jisung felt towards you, he had seriously doubted you had any interest in him in the first place. How could someone as angelic as you want to be with, well, trash? There was no way you hadn’t heard about his disastrous dating history, and if you were as smart as he thought you were, that alone would turn you off from him. Not only that, he was pretty sure you had heard about the fight he had with Seungmin and if that fight said anything about him, it showed that he was a mess of insecurities and arrogance. Why on Earth would you ever like someone like that? And if you heard about the fight, he was positive that Seungmin and everyone else had warned you about him and dissuaded you from even considering anything romantic with him.

It was doomed! 

And although Jisung had earnestly vowed to himself he would not engage in anything romantic with you, he was failing miserably. His affection towards you was something everyone picked up on. He always, no matter what, had his undivided attention on you as you ranted to him about whatever bothered you that day or how you were struggling to nail a part of your dance routine. It was obvious. He loved hearing you talk and could listen to you for hours as if you were his own personal podcast, always mirroring your emotion and blindly agreeing with you during your rants, always asking you questions whenever you rambled on about your own hobbies and interests. 

If someone ever talked over you, he’d make sure to ask you what you were going to say. If you were upset that day, he’d always offer to buy you ice cream and insist to the group that they all needed to stop by the local ice cream shop. If you ever showed him a video of your latest dance routine, he’d shower you with a ridiculous amount of compliments until you were a flustered mess asking him to stop. And every time he noticed you were wearing a new outfit, changed your hair, or wore different jewelry, he would be quick to notice and let you know how wonderful you looked. He was shamelessly flirting with you, and he hadn’t even realized how far he had let it go. 

On the other side of the pond, you were well aware of every horrible thing that was said about Jisung, even long before you had become a member of Minho’s team, and to be quite frank, you thought he was a complete asshole from what you’ve heard. But once you realized that he was one of Minho’s lifelong best friends, you knew you had to push your personal feelings aside, especially when you realized some of the music Minho had you perform with was Jisung’s original work. You hated to admit it, but he was an absolute genius when it came to music production and you were slowly becoming a fan of his work. 

All you could tell yourself was that he couldn’t have been that bad if everyone was still his friend and reminded yourself people change, it’s not like you were going to end up liking the guy anyway. 

Oh, but you were so wrong. 

The first time you saw him at Minho’s party, you thought he was so irresistibly adorable during his drunken babbling, and you were honestly taken aback that the cute man who sat in front of you was none other than Han Jisung. Although, it did help soften your initial thoughts of him, making you think maybe he wasn’t that bad, especially after seeing him become a blushing mess at the mere sight of you, but those thoughts were quickly pushed away while Hyunjin walked you to your car after you left.

“Y/N…”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard about Jisung from other people, right?”

“Oh, I’ve heard plenty, but he doesn’t seem so bad though.”

“Well, he isn’t if you’re just friends with him, but… He definitely seemed into you when he saw you and as your friend, I feel like it is my responsibility to let you know that he isn’t someone you should pursue. I love him, but you deserve someone better than that… I would hate to see him hurt another one of my friends.”

“Ah, no worries, Hyunjin. I’ve made dumb dating choices in the past, but I’m not that stupid.”

Except, you were that stupid. So, so, so incredibly stupid and you were terrified that anyone would uncover your growing crush on the boy. You could already imagine both Hyunjin and Seungmin’s disappointed looks, and you promised yourself you were taking this little secret to the grave. You had every reason in the world to not be attracted to Jisung, especially after hearing how he put his hands on Seungmin during their argument! Drunk or not, there’s no excuse for that and his denial of his actions said so much about him.

Yet, here you are, sitting next to Jisung on the couch in the living room of Minho’s place, excitedly talking to him about the latest episode of the drama you were currently watching, gossiping to him as if the actors were real people you knew in your personal life. He sat on the couch with his legs crossed, facing you while nodding along to every word you said, his eyes trained on you and you alone.

“And-, oh my god, I almost forgot, but the lead then told her to shut up! Can you believe that?!”

Jisung would then gasp, theatrically putting his hand on his chest, “No fucking way… What is his problem?”

“Right! And then-,” you paused for a moment, suddenly feeling insecure that you were forcing Jisung to listen about something he probably didn’t care for. You sighed and gave him an apologetic smile as you anxiously twiddled your fingers, “I’m sorry, I got carried away, you probably don’t wanna listen to me talk about some stupid drama.”

This time, Jisung did look genuinely surprised as his eyebrows furrowed upward with panicked eyes, “What? No, I love hearing you talk about this, you’re always so excited that it’s adorable.” He hated how fast your mood changed and started to worry if he had done something to make you feel that way. Did he look uninterested? Was he not responsive enough? 

“Did I do something to make you think I didn’t want to listen?”

You felt your cheeks grow warm at Jisung calling you adorable, and then felt your heart start beating loudly in your chest when he asked you that question with all the concern and worry in the world filling his eyes. You shot straight up in your seat, returning his gaze with astonishment, not expecting him to be so considerate. “No, no, you didn’t do anything wrong… I just…” You paused for a moment, trying to find the words without revealing too much on how you were feeling, “I just got nervous for a moment, I don’t know.”

Jisung nodded as you spoke, taking your hands in his as he gave you a reassuring smile, “Y/N, I promise there’s nothing more I’d love than to hear you talk. You could be explaining the most boring thing ever, and I would still listen to you happily.”

In the kitchen stood Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Minho who were watching the scene unfold before them as they prepared food for everyone, while the others were upstairs playing whatever video game upstairs. Seungmin narrowed his eyes as he watched Jisung reach for your hands, taking note of the flustered look on your face.

“I think Y/N likes him.”

Hyunjin and Minho turned to Seungmin for a moment, then looked back at you and Jisung, unsure what exactly Seungmin saw other than Jisung’s flirtations. 

Hyunjin let out an annoyed exhale as he continued to fry the eggs on the pan, then muttering, “There’s no way that’s possible. Y/N knows better.”

“I don’t know. Just look at them, they act like there’s no one else in the room when they’re together,” whispered Seungmin.

“I guess,” murmured Hyunjin, clearly upset about Seungmin’s hunch, “This is going to end terribly, isn’t it?”

Minho silently stood as he separated the ramen noodles that were boiling in the pot, humming along as he listened to the two younger boys angrily whisper. “I think it will be okay. I think our Jisungie has learned his lessons.”

The other two looked at him with disbelief, neither believing Jisung was capable of ever growing from the immature mindset he had for as long as they’ve known him. Hyunjin scoffed, “No, you don’t really think that, do you?”

Minho kept his eyes on the stove as the other two stared down at the back of his head, shrugging his shoulders, “Well, I could be wrong, I can’t exactly predict the future, but…” He then glanced back at the couch, smiling as Jisung made you laugh, “He treats them differently. I don’t know why, but he does. Don’t you two think so?”

Seungmin and Hyunjin stayed silent, not being able to deny Minho’s statement because they fully knew he wasn’t wrong. Everyone knew something in Jisung had changed when he had met you, and everyone saw how gently he treated you, almost as if he was scared he could scare you away with one little misstep.

“Whatever, I still don’t trust him,” Hyunjin grumbled, putting the last of the eggs on a plate.

Minho chuckled at both of the boy’s protectiveness, “That’s okay, no one is forcing you to, but remember, they’re both adults. They can do what they want, no matter how stupid we all think it is.”

┈ ✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁ ┈ 

Months had gone by and there was no denying the small romance that had flourished between you and Jisung. You both were hopelessly head-over-heels for the other, to the point that everyone around you two had grown sick of it and was praying for the day where one of you would finally confess your feelings to the other. 

You had long given up on hiding your feelings for the boy from your friends, especially after one day Seungmin had confronted you and told you it was the most obvious thing in the world. Part of you had prepared yourself for Seungmin to berate you for your poor taste in men, especially after the plethora of warnings you had been given about Jisung, but instead, he was very supportive and wanted you to feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it, even if he thought you could do better.

Jisung had become a part of your daily life, spending nearly everyday with each other or at the very least, you both had become accustomed to texting one another throughout the day. You’d start your day either sending or receiving a ‘good morning’ text from him and you’d end your day the same way, except it was a ‘good night’ text. 

You’d often pay him a visit at his studio on days he had lost track of time, always letting yourself in after he had given you the passcode to the door, which he had only given to you, Minho, Chan, and Changbin. It came to you as a surprise when he gave you the code to his studio, insisting that you needed it so you could drop in whenever you wanted, telling you that you were always a welcomed guest at his studio. In reality, Jisung just wanted an excuse to see you more, and you had taken the bait as you would often show up with an iced americano in hand and whatever takeout food you were in the mood for that day.

If you ever had a long day of dance practice, Jisung would make sure to stop by to drop off a snack and drink as well, often receiving complaints from Minho over his blatant favoritism, accusing him of neglecting his best friend, which would cause Jisung to grow red from embarrassment. Despite his relentless teasing, Minho was more than proud to see how much Jisung had grown and how naturally caring for you had come to him. It was a side of Jisung no one had ever seen, and it was a very much welcomed change.

Today, you were sitting on the couch at Jisung’s apartment as he washed the dishes from the dinner you both had attempted to make, humming along as he put them in the drying rack. For some reason, you and Jisung had thought it would be a great idea to recreate a steak dish you both saw online and while it did not go terribly, the steaks ended up being a little too burnt for either of your liking. You were a bit disappointed, part of you feeling embarrassed you couldn’t even cook a proper meal in front of your crush, but he had lifted your spirits up by telling you it was an ‘excellent culinary choice’ to serve the steaks charred, shushing you each time you said the word burnt. 

Soon after, he took a seat next to you on the couch, flicking through the TV as he tried to find something to watch, but soon gave up as he turned to you, “Is there anything you wanna watch?” 

You scrunch up your face as you take a few seconds to think, clapping your hands excitedly once the idea hits you, “Have you ever watched Love is Blind? It’s kinda a dumb reality show, but I still haven’t seen the new season and it’s always a fun watch!”

Jisung furrowed his eyebrows quizzically, tilting his head to the side like a confused puppy, “Love is Blind? I’ve never heard of it, what's it about?”

“Never heard of it!? No way!” You gasped, a hand clasping over your mouth dramatically as he smiled adoringly at your antics, “It’s such a crazy show! Basically, a bunch of singles are trying to find the love of their lives, but they’re meeting people without ever seeing what they look like!”

“Oh, so they only get to talk to each other?”

“Yeah! And then they have to get engaged, and once that happens, they can finally meet face to face. They’re supposed to get married at the end of the series, but there’s always juicy drama going on before then!”

Jisung hummed, taking interest in the show's concept, “That’s cool, so they’re trying to see if love is truly blind?”

“Exactly!” You chirped, nodding with enthusiasm as you beamed at Jisung, waiting for his response.

“Sure, let’s watch it!” How could he ever say no to you when you’re smiling at him that way? He swore he felt his heart flutter the moment you smiled at him, the jubilation in your eyes making him become putty in your hands. “Do you really believe in that though? Like, unconditional love?”

You turned to him as you grabbed the remote from his hands, a bit taken aback from his question, “Well, I’ve already seen the other seasons and some couples have definitely proven that love can be blind, but love differs for everyone. I think that’s the beauty of this show though, loving someone despite their flaws and loving them for who they truly are.”

He leaned back on the couch, returning your gaze as he lost himself deep in thought, “Right, but do you think you could love someone unconditionally? Even if they’ve made mistakes in the past?”

You furrowed your eyebrows as you tried to understand where Jisung was coming from, a gentle smile gracing your features as you reached a comforting hand over his wrist, “Well, as long as those past mistakes aren’t murder or something, I don’t see why not. I’d like to think people are able to grow from their past.”

Jisung smiled as he sighed in relief, his other hand resting on top of yours, “Even me?”

“Especially you.” 

┈ ✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁ ┈ 

It was a quiet and cold night as you curled up into Jisung’s side, your head resting on his chest with a leg thrown over his as his arms swaddled you into a tight embrace. It was peaceful and serene, the only sounds filling the room was the light pitter patter of rain against his bedroom window and the comforting beat of his heart. You tilted your head upwards and caught Jisung’s gaze, a relaxed smile on his face as he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on your forehead, but you could’ve sworn you saw a glimmer of sadness in his eyes.

To be quite honest, you weren’t entirely sure what you and Jisung were, as neither of you had ever officially discussed labels, but you both were very aware of each other’s feelings for one another. There was no doubt that you both were more than just friends, but the label of partners or dating was something Jisung nervously tiptoed around. 

After a few weeks of these shared tender moments, you figured Jisung would soon ask you to be his, but the question never came and it filled you with nervousness. You didn’t want to pressure him, as you could sympathize with his concerns since he was very transparent with you about his hesitance from the very start.

Jisung was irrevocably in love with you and wanted nothing more than to make you his partner, but he would be lying to you if he wasn’t also terrified of the weight of that label. For so long, Jisung had convinced himself he was incapable of loving someone the way they deserved to be and never thought anyone would have ever fallen for him, especially someone as perfect as you. Perhaps it was your sheer kindness and undying belief in him, but he felt like a complete fraud, as if you had imagined him to be this amazing man that he could never be and has never been. He wasn’t ready to fall short of your expectations, he wasn’t ready to face the disappointed and heartbroken look on your face once you realized the rumors about him were complete truth.

He felt as if he was truly undeserving of someone as pure as you, someone so selfless and caring who approached their own feelings with so much confidence, while he was just a shamefully selfish man who didn’t know how to trust himself, who didn’t believe in his own ability to make his own partner happy, a man who was painfully insecure and unsure of who he was.

He wanted you with every fiber of his being and desperately wanted to be the very reason behind your smiles, laughter, and happiness. He so greedily desired to see his own reflection in your eyes for the rest of his life, a sight that he wanted to treasure for the rest of life and the thought of you looking at someone else that way physically pained him.

Yet, his fear of hurting you and disappointing everyone else around him held him back from chasing those feelings and Seungmin’s words from months ago ruminated in his mind as a constant reminder of his past failures. He would not be able to shoulder the burden of hurting you, the guilt would completely eat him up because at the end of the day, it would be his fault for fooling you into the idea that he was capable of giving you that movie perfect love story. For crying out loud, he’s Han Jisung, the guy everyone hated and criticized for his ineptitude of romantic relations. He knew what you wanted, he knew you were growing impatient and scared over his inaction, but his anxieties held him captive in a standstill, and he was not strong enough to challenge it.

All he could tell you was that he needed more time, that he was afraid and needed the chance to grow that confidence in himself once more, but he knew time was finite and he was running out of it. 

As he kissed your forehead, he felt his heart flinch as a pang of sadness flooded his body, forcefully fighting the overwhelming adoration and affection he had for you. He was petrified at the way his body slowly began to reject the feelings of love he had for you, fear and insecurities consuming it as if everything you had to offer nothing. All rational thinking had left him in that moment as panic took over his thoughts, angrily yelling at him for being such an idiot to think anything would ever change. How stupid he was to lead on another innocent person and how he was only going to hurt them, just like all the others before him. How idiotic he was for thinking he was ever deserving of love, as love does not wish to know him. 

He just couldn’t be your love.

God, if he wasn’t such a selfish asshole, maybe then he could’ve saved you from his own carelessness. If he had only heeded the warnings of his friends, but once again, he has fallen into the trap of self-centered needs outweighing the feelings of others. If he had only stayed your friend and nothing more, if he had only not-

“Y/N, I don’t think this is going to work.”

Did he really say that out loud? He held his breath as he cursed himself for acting so quickly out of fear, his heart stopped as he watched you stiffen in his own arm. You silently sat yourself up, his arms falling to the mattress as you turned to him with tears filling your eyes, your lips trembling as you tried to contain a sob.

Oh, how Jisung just wished the world would swallow him whole in that moment, his heart completely shattering at the sight of your crestfallen face. He looked into your watery eyes to only realize that this time, the reflection of your eyes showed the source of your sorrow, an expression he had wished he never had the misfortune to witness. 

“I… I’m sorry, I just-”

You shook your head, raising a hand to signal him to stop talking, refusing to take an explanation from him, “It’s okay. I was afraid this would happen.”

You forced a tightlipped smile, taking a deep breath through your nose as you tried to keep yourself together, faintly whispering a broken “Please don’t text or call me.”

Jisung shot up as he watched you get up from his bed, trying to scramble after you as you made your way to his front door, grabbing your belongings on the way. He didn’t realize how much he was already crying until he tried to speak to you, but it all came out in a blubbering sob. “Y/N, please, listen to me…” He begged you to listen to him, pleaded for you to try to understand where this was all coming from and to understand that he still loved you so much despite how selfish his actions are, yet you never gave him a chance.

“Jisung, please. I don’t care why, I don’t want to know,” you croaked between sobs, doing your best to maintain your composure as you faced the front door, refusing to look at him. “I just feel like an idiot. I should’ve listened to what people said about you.”

There you went, leaving his apartment and shutting the door in his face with force, leaving Jisung to confront nothing, but his own cowardice. 

Once again, Jisung fell into the trap of his own self-centered thinking, getting lost in his own immaturity as he became the victim of the circumstances he created. If he had only realized that he wasn't alone in this battle of his own conscience, if he had only realized you would've fought each insecurity and fear with him.

Oh, woe is me, Han Jisung. Only a fool would be afraid of love.

#skz x reader #skz fanfic #skz angst #skz #stray kids fanfic #stray kids x reader #stray kids #stray kids angst #han jisung #skz jisung #skz jisung x reader #han x reader #skz han #skz han x reader #jisung x reader #han jisung x reader #cinnamostar writes

[vesora]

dealing with fear of abandonment through LOA + general tips

personal backstory / long post ahead

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” ― Neville Goddard, Your Faith is Your Fortune

as a child, my needs were not met and therefore, i developed a schema that people were meant to disappoint me and leave me and my relationships, both platonic and romantic reflected EXACTLY that.

countless times, i was ‘left’ without any reason, always strengthening the notion i had always felt that people were meant to abandon me. even if i was close to someone, i would still engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when i felt disappointed by the expectations i had set for them. feeling this lack of control when it came to relationships because i was so deathly afraid of being left alone; of disappointing the other. not putting myself first because i felt the only sense of worth i had was through whether another found me worthy. this is all very hard for me to say of course, im a private person but i felt maybe someone at least needed to hear this. my parent would be nice at one point and disinterested in the other, i felt i had to work to gain their approval and for them to be nice to me all the time. i needed them to view me as perfect, so they wouldn’t leave me. but guess what guys? thats stupid, bcos fuck perfection.

in my abandonment activation strategies/self-sabotaging behaviours, my body would go into a state of desperation, in dire need of any sort of relief and safety, crying my heart out because i was so scared, leaving people because i was scared of being left first. being scared i was being clingy by asking for reassurance which in turn sends me into another frenzy, isolating myself from people so i have no chances to be hurt, feeling resentment when someone doesnt meet my expectations/needs through no fault of their own. my inner child would just take over my body, repeating the same distress i experienced as a kid. 

but i am not a kid anymore. i am a well-functioning adult and i cannot continue this abandonment schema. so what do i do?

i use loa. 

how to use loa + general tips for this:

recognise that everything and everyone is you pushed out. your relationships play out the way you assume they will. this is not to say at all what happened when you were a child was your fault. we are not to blame. our needs were simply not met.

change the way you view relationships, no matter how hard it may be. if everyone is just us, how can anyone else abandon us? not even that, why would anyone leave us? we are amazing and fun and good people

be someone YOU are proud of, irrespective of what other people think. all is mind, so why do you think you need to impress someone who’s just another part of you? a part that can easily be molded

you are not clingy. you are not desperate. you are not unworthy. you are not unlovable. repeat affirmations that you are lovable. that you deserve to have your needs met. that everyone meets your needs. that you never feel abandoned. that you love yourself unconditionally. YOU are on the pedestal, NOT anyone else.

if someone is emotionally unavailable, this DOES NOT mean they do not love or care about you! they might be busy, not be well-versed with showing emotions in a healthy way, express their love in a different way than yours or they may simply be going through something in their lives right now. 

when this happens, you can talk to the person about it and usually in my experience, the person understands and reassures me that they still love me and that we are okay. if a person is not willing to make sure you are okay, maybe rethink their position in your lives. you are the pedestal, not them. now just because someone reassures you doesn’t mean you don’t work on yourself. you do work on yourself through LOA and useful strategies.

take deep belly breaths when you feel yourself get triggered. it is okay. you are going to be okay, i promise. the next day im sure you will feel fine. it is not the end of the world, i promise you. the world IS you. just change it.

reassure your inner child and your adult self that you are okay now. you are the best version of yourself right now. you are safe. you are secure. you are not in danger. your life is in YOUR hands. YOU are in control. YOU created this life. the only way to change it is within.

if you feel impatient and you want things to change IMMEDIATELY, i.e. when youre having a panic attack, take deep breaths and remember this is temporary. remember you are in control of what happens but also do not be attached to any outcome, just have faith that everything works out in your favour.

if you feel resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, do NOT use strategies to hurt them or leave them. just calm down and view them with a gaze of love. transmute this feeling of resentment and abandonment to love and understanding, you can even visualise it. they still love you, you can manifest them to love you the way you want to idk but still they love you! don’t try to make them jealous, don’t distance yourself, don’t do whatever you do to get ‘revenge’ idk, it is NOT healthy. it only hurts YOU in the end. plus, LOA dictates the way people act with you is a reflection of yourself, so all you need to do is change self.

no matter what, KNOW you are loved. even if your body is freaking out and wants to flee, tell yourself in the moment it will pass. it has to. your trauma trigger reactions are NOT you. 

it may be hard to believe that someone loves you. for me, i felt like i was delusional. that i was kidding myself, because how dare i assume someone loves me? that’s why i kept seeking external reassurance for any semblance of love because i was not giving that reassurance to myself internally. and when someone didn’t give me that reassurance in the 3d, i’d freak out, even though i had manifested it unknowingly. how can i go to the 3d and ask for love when everything, good and bad, is within me? as the creator, how can i not tell myself i am worthy of love and that people close to me love me? how can i not believe that when all is me? it is a bit stupid to think like that, no? well i did, and to an extent i still do. but i’m recovering. i deserve to live a life where i am not constantly afraid. i deserve to live a life where i can speak with confidence that someone loves me. it is hard for me, even now, but i know i will get through it, as will you. 

let’s be brazenly impudent together, shall we?

“Dare to believe in the reality of your assumption and watch the world play its part relative to to its fulfillment.” ― Neville Goddard

#abandonment issues #abandonment #fear of abandonment #attachment #anxious attachment #attachment anxiety #trauma response #loa #law of assumption #neville #neville goddard #law of attraction #law of belief #manifest #manifestation #manifesting #consciousness #psychology #awareness

[meraki-yao]

My two cents on the story some Nick fans hate Taylor:

From what I've seen around they are mainly people who have been following him since before rwrb and if you look carefully they are often huge purple heart fans (and have a slight obsession with the "relationship" between Nick and Sofia) therefore I think that this hatred for Taylor derives from 2 things:

1. They hate that so many people have gotten closer to him because of rwrb but they share the support and love with someone else. That's why they always have to specify that for them Taylor is unemployed (unlike Nick), Taylor is not a good actor (unlike Nick who is the best around for the next 100 years), Taylor is loved only for his hot body and we are all envious that Nick is mentioned around as an actor etc etc. It's impossible for them to accept that people can appreciate both and one must necessarily be better and more loved than the other and they are better fans because they have been following him since before rwrb and they don't want him to still be associated with this film because he will never be "the sole star" but has to share everything with Taylor.

2. Racism. From certain comments they make it is undeniable that this has great relevance in this situation and I don't even want to delve into it because it's not even crazy it's simply disgusting and this is definitely the worst part.

They hate rwrb (but praise Nick as Henry and think he's the only one who did well in the movie) and keep making up this bullshit about how Nick hates the project, hates the cast, his body language says he was uncomfortable on that set, this is the only cast he hasn't remained friends with, Taylor tries hard for have his attention to be relevant but Nick just proves they have no contact and they need it to be true because that's the only thing which they can cling to to hope he doesn't make the sequel. Oh, plus Nick is too busy to accept the sequel and it would be a downgrade for him to do the sequel given the career that awaits him, unlike Taylor who only has rwrb to work and be relevant (all read with my own eyes unfortunately)

In short, I don't know how they can think this is good for Nick and how they can think this is the type of support he deserves and would like. As another blog said, we can't stop them, there are moments they become more vocal and mean and the more we respond the meaner they become saying things like "you get angry because you know it's the truth"

They treat Taylor like a monster, like he's a really bad person, they've done bad things towards him like doxxing and spreading false information about him to convince everyone what an evil person he is.

They say he uses Nick, before Nick's response when he signed the book they said Taylor bullied him with those drawings on his face all because they have this unhealthy relationship with an actor and they think they have some right over his life.

You've explained their (ridiculous) mentality really well, and frankly, it drives me insane that there are people in the world who think they understand one person's career/relationship/life when he doesn't know them

On the note of purple hearts, I didn't watch the movie and I don't plan to, but when I just got into the RWRB fandom and started learning about Nick and Taylor, and I kinda saw some comments from us, that's kind of... something like Purple hearts fans are mad at RWRB because of... opposing political beliefs?

Oh, also agree on the racism thing. Fuck racism man.

My one hope is this bullshit doesn't affect Taylor and Nick. I have faith in their relationship not to turn sour or blame each other because 1, it's not each other's fault 2, they're grown ass adults who understand how this industry, parasocial relationships and fan culture work, but if any of these shitty comments reaches either one of them it must hurt, and arguably hurts Nick more than Taylor, because these people are hurting your friend in your name. That's fucked up.

Again I think the best thing we can do is ignore them, block them and remember that we hold the actual truth: Nick loves RWRB, and Taylor, and Henry. And he and Taylor, on both sides, plus Matthew and a couple editorial writers, stated and showed that they are genuine friends with genuine chemistry.

#rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb movie #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry hanover stuart fox #firstprince #taylor zakhar perez #nicholas galitzine #rwrb thoughts #anon ask #answered #this happened to my other otp from woh and jesus christ I hate this mess

[har-rison-s]

mask & seek: 15

batman x fem!reader

based on: Hello! May I request Battinson x SpiderWoman!Reader fic where she’s from the MCU but then she ends up in Battinson’s universe and meets him? Maybe he doesn’t trust her at first but once she saves him from something, he relents then begins to trust her and maybe then a relationship ensues??

author's note: hey all :) mask & seek is forreal back this time. i think this is my favourite series ever, sooooo.... i really want to like actually finish it. there's not a lot left honestly, but don't worry, no spoilers. i hope you guys are still tuning into this, i know it's been like..... more than a year since i published 14, and almost two years since i started mask & seek too.... wow. that's insane. so! bruce and y/n are so cute in this. happy reading <3

main masterlist

bruce wayne masterlist

part fourteen

word count: 4.7k

warnings: little bit of smut towards the end, it's pretty short, some anxieties, self-doubting

gif credit goes to author! (i know it's neil but i needed a sorta domestic bruce gif and there are none!!! i cannot find them!!)

“okay, here goes,” y/n mutters with a heavy heart and a chest that seems to have grown ten times its usual weight. she sticks the porta filter back into its place in the coffee machine and faces vanessa with a heavy sigh. everything is heavy as of now, most of all - her own heart. vanessa meets y/n’s dark eyes with her bright ones, “i... will be quitting this job soon.” y/n finally tells her. 

immediately she thinks her voice was too quiet, too unsure, too dark even, maybe? and maybe she uttered the words too fast. but really, no matter what voice she uses or how she says it, the news stay the same, and they still break vanessa’s heart. her eyes grow wide and her mouth hangs slightly agape. “what? you’re leaving?” she asks in nearly a whisper, shock and sadness all over her features. y/n can do nothing else but nod. “why? are you going somewhere? did something bad happen yesterday or something?”

“no, no, no, not at all,” y/n answers with a shake of her head. god, does she tell her the truth? it’s been a only a few days since that faithful night and morning that were followed by this decision being made, officially. it’s been hard for y/n to muster the courage to tell her co-workers, much less her boss, about leaving this job, but it’s also been killing her not to tell them. so here she is, choosing vanessa as the first person she tells. mainly because vanessa has become sort-of her best friend, and she trusts her the most, “i, uh... i got a really good job offer. it’s something completely different, but actually in the field or, value margin, that i wanna work in, and have wanted to for... a while. basically since i was a kid.”

“not a team of crazy scientists, i hope?” vanessa asks, now her face changing to doubt. it makes y/n laugh, and she does so while shaking her head. “okay, what is it, then? some genie came up to you and offered you three wishes, one of them being getting your childhood dream job?” vanessa gets more casual and closer again. y/n chuckles again.

“something similar to that,” y/n nods along, “only the genie is a man who happens to have very, you know, thick pockets,” y/n wiggles her eyebrows, and vanessa laughs, “he’s honestly the kind of man who’d fulfil more than three of my wishes, he’s made that quite clear.”

vanessa grows an ear-to-ear wide grin and gives y/n a wicked look. “is this about bruce wayne coming to visit you here those days back?” she asks and steps even closer to y/n, so their conversation would get more private in the café with nearly all full tables, “did you guys work it out? and how do you even know him? he’s a very hard man to catch outside his enormous house, much less to meet.”

now, bruce had predicted that this kind of question would come up for both of them, and that they couldn’t just dodge it. he also predicted that people would want a clear status of their relationship, to know how the business would really work and how it came to work at all. his and y/n’s conversation about it came to start on something like...

“i don’t want to be a faceless fling of yours in the eyes of the media and public,” y/n admits with a frown on her face, and bruce looks to her.

“well, you’d be the first one to have that title,” bruce faintly jokes. y/n gives him a curious look, still thinking that it sounds kind of impossible, “at least we’re the same age. they’ll take you somewhat seriously.”

“somewhat seriously?” she echoes, now turning to face him completely, one leg bent at the knee before her, on which she lazily splays her arm. bruce shakes his head.

“trust me, i know this so-called industry,” he clarifies, “the press love the old billionaires and their young fling-of-the-months.” bruce says and has a dark-humoured chuckle. it’s sad, really, that old men go after much more younger women, and that the press make all their money off it. bruce knows that. he’d never want to be that kind of man, and he’d never wish that fate upon any girl. “what do you want to be to the public?” bruce asks y/n as he looks to her again, his shoulders hunched forward.

she shrugs. “don’t want to lie about anything that i am, or what we are,” she says truthfully, “but then again – tell the truth, and they find a way to make up lies, anyway.” y/n chuckles and shrugs her shoulders, looking thoughtfully out of the window.

bruce wears a faint smile on his face. “how does being my wife sound to you?” he asks her in a soft tone. that question, though it’s just a casual one mentioning an option for their title, makes y/n look at bruce again. she smiles, too, her head tilted to the side as it’s resting on her knee now. 

“for the papers or... in actuality?” she clarifies. bruce smiles wider. he wouldn’t mind having her as his wife, though we all know that’s an understatement, but he needs her consent, of course. he already feels closest to her now, sitting with her in her apartment, and he felt close to her and with her when she was at his mansion. marriage is only a document, two rings and a ceremony. he doesn’t need that to know that he loves her, to have proof that they’ll want and belong to each other forever. 

so bruce shrugs for an answer. “whichever one you want.” he answers truthfully. it’s really all up to her. it’s her image to society, after all. and yes, of course, the medias and public change it to what they want it to be, but at the end of the day, she is the foundation of herself and how she is viewed. y/n smiles again, this time with a hum.

“neither, to be honest,” she answers and turns her gaze back to the window, “i’m not ready to be someone’s wife. not because i’d be scared of commitment or anything, no. i feel you and me have committed for quite some time now,” y/n says and they both chuckle, knowing it’s true, “no, it’s just that the word has so much meaning, so much... weight and unnecessary stigma around it, you know. like, you tell a person that you’re someone’s wife, and in their eyes you’re already pregnant, have two cars, a cul-de-sac and its garage full of washing machines, fridges and driers.” bruce laughs further. “plus, being a wife is just a legal paper and title. i could be your wife in my head, if i liked the title, without any legal, official papers.” bruce has quieted down, and just smiles now. it kills him to realise more and more, with each day and each new conversation with her, just how similar they are. they both see marriage the same way. “i wouldn’t say no if you proposed at any point in the future, though,” y/n clarifies and bruce chuckles again, like a school boy, “just making sure you heard me.”

“i hear you,” he confirms with a nod and that smile still on his face, “how double standard of me to not need to worry about my title. what if i wanted to be your husband or your fling of the month?” he suggests, and that makes y/n laugh loudly. she hops off the window sill, only wearing one of her huge thrifted sweaters and a pair of pajama shorts, and still giggling, tiptoes her way over to bruce, her thin socks touching the wooden floor of her apartment. he watches her all the way of doing so, and now that she’s comfortably sitting close next to him on the sofa, his eyes take on a more private gaze at her. she makes one of her beautiful smiles at him and breathes a short sigh. “what about you being my... girlfriend?” bruce now suggests, his voice a bit quieter. 

y/n’s smile grows even wider, and her mushed cheeks are complimented by a deep crimson blush. she smiles so wide her eyes are barely visible, but the small portion of them still visible shine with the few tears gathered in them. just pure happy tears, nothing else. she shrugs her shoulders and then moves closer to bruce. his body grows immediately aware of the proximity. “well, my only condition would be...” y/n starts to say, and sighs quickly again, “that you’ll be my boyfriend.” she says. and she thinks god, there must be more age appropriate terms for boyfriend and girlfriend for people their age, something between boyfriend and husband, and girlfriend and wife. partner seems too formal, as well. she feels too young saying saying boyfriend, and too old saying partner. but, she guesses, since they’re just playing with these terms, also the ones the medias like to use, there’s no harm in saying boyfriend and girlfriend.

bruce cracks a wide smile at that, something only y/n gets to see and even she rarely does, and his pale cheeks blush a rose pink for a moment, too. on the rare occasion y/n sees him blush, she always takes note of how the rose pink brings out the soft brown of his eyes, and the gentleness of his eyes altogether. they’re usually dark, filled with emotion to the brim, and encircled by that dark matter he uses. but his eyes are gentle, as is he. the light brown irises look up into y/n’s eyes with care and ease, and a smile still faintly displays itself on bruce’s lips, “i think that’s a good deal.” he says in a voice deep and soft. 

y/n smiles wide again and gets the closest to him that she can. legs entangled, y/n partly laying in his lap, faces close but hands still withdrawn from each other. “yeah?” she asks him in a faint whisper, and now her hand glides over the side of bruce’s face, like he’s often done to her, and she adores it. she only expects more of that in the future. 

his eyelids flicker as he looks up at her, and any expression except adoration and submission fades away from his features. bruce only gives her a nod in response and y/n smiles. the world goes completely quiet as she presses her lips down onto his. only their inhaling of breath can be heard as bruce encircles her waist with his arms and pulls her body impossibly closer to his own. y/n holds both sides of his face now, continuing to kiss him—still hoping she’s good at it—and draws in breaths through her nose because the event and sensation of kissing bruce is drawing out all air and suffocating her in the best way possible.

“we, uh...” y/n’s mind fogs a bit from that memory, but only pleasantly so, “we met through friends in the justice department.” she tells her, hoping it’ll be enough. she and bruce planned out a small cover story for them to use, involving an old friend of bruce’s in the justice department, who happens to be on vacation right now. 

“oh, you never told me you had friends there!” vanessa muses. “tell me exactly how you met, i need all the details.” 

y/n chuckles, and hopes the nervousness in her chuckle doesn’t appear too strong. “it’s nothing romantic, i promise,” she tells vanessa, “they visited me here on a closing shift after some dinner they’d had, and bruce happened to be with them.” y/n says, but she knows she’s gotta do better than that. funny, how her whole life here in gotham has been built on lies she’s told, and she’s suddenly nervous to lie. maybe it’s because she has to lie to vanessa. but she’s done that before, too. “he told me recently that i struck him in the first moment he saw me. i do remember how awkward he was when he tried to order a drink.” y/n says and makes a small laugh again, but this time it’s genuine because she knows how awkward bruce, in truth, can get sometimes.

“i don’t care what you say, to me that is romantic,” vanessa replies. y/n shakes her head. the reason why she hates to be lying right now could be that the circumstances of how they met are much better than this made-up story. much more special, “wish i could have been there to see it.” vanessa admits. y/n doesn’t like the light this cover story paints her in, either. rich business man falls for the woman serving him. in her eyes that feels very weird for some reason. maybe it’s her feminist character that finds it weird. 

but judging by vanessa’s face, the cover story and y/n’s acting are natural and convincing enough. y/n wishes she could spill the truth to vanessa, because god knows she trusts her, but she can’t tell her the truth. it would jepordise everything. “you would have got second-hand embarrassment, v,” y/n tells her and both women laugh. 

“so, what, are you gonna be working for wayne enterprises now?” vanessa clarifies.

“sort of,” y/n answers with a shrug, “you’ll see. but don’t tell anyone else yet. and don’t tell anyone outside of work, ever. they’ll be all over you, and i do want us to make our relationship public, not anyone else.”

“yeah, yeah, you and I both know how tabloids work around here,” vanessa answers, “even though i’d love to tell everyone, i promise you on sebbie’s life that i won’t tell a soul.” she promises y/n on her cat’s life and does a cross over her heart. y/n chuckles at the superstition element. “you’ll have to deal with them a lot, though. i’m sorry for that.” 

“yeah, thanks,” y/n replies quietly, taking that vanessa has mentioned the thing she’s most afraid of. she guesses vanessa knows the character assassination women face in gotham if they’re on any tabloid or news banner. y/n is in for a big portion of that—people don’t take too kindly to women who work in the same company for their male partners or spouses. it’ll be even worse for y/n perhaps, because she’ll be getting a job at wayne enterprises because she’s in a relationship with bruce. there’s nothing wrong with it, and it was bruce’s idea. god knows what kind of speculations will spiral out of that fact...

y/n feels bruce’s tongue against her own as he brushes his hands underneath her sweater now, petting her waist gently. the image of his large calloused hands on her bare skin already entices y/n more, her sharply inhaling breath through her nose. it feels difficult to breathe now, her fingers digging into the skin of his face. bruce softly groans at the feeling, and an almost animalistic shiver sends his hands to the back of y/n’s thighs and pulls them closer to his crotch, positioning her legs on either side of his body. 

the pair nearly fall over from the impact, but y/n steadies them both with ease that her instincts provide, and they only interrupt their kissing with laughter over their slight clumsiness. she really has me feeling like a teenager, bruce thinks to himself before kissing her once more. they melt into each other so easily you’d think they were two pieces of butter on a hot pan. y/n is just about ready to eat him up, she feels this insatiable urge to touch him and kiss him all over, for as long as she has breath.

and when she’s reaching into his sweatpants and adjusting him up with her entrance, panties slid to the side, it’s almost like they sync up completely. the final transaction, the closest they can get, yet they still want more. they’re messy, panting, giggling, hands trembling as they hold onto each other and y/n rocks her hips on bruce’s length. he thinks this must be heaven – her on top of him, her chest in his face, her hands in his hair. he loves her on top of him, always did when she used to patch him up, clean his face, all those times. now their relationship has been turned around and this intimate position they’ve been in before has gained a different turn, too, one bruce was secretly thinking of beforehand.

“you’re so perfect,” he breathes against her skin, laying hot kisses across her chest, her sweater now pushed up, barely covering anything. y/n gasps at bruce’s lips on her breasts, mewls softly, and feels herself so close to release already. she pulls her sweater off over her head, it being in the way, and lets bruce pull her closer, smothering her chest with kisses, arms around her holding her securely. 

“fuck, i’m close, bruce,” she tells him in a heave of breath and bruce nods in response. it might be his familiarity with her body, and it might be her spidey-sense growing on him, but he could tell she was close before she uttered the words herself.

“i know, i’ve got you,” he tells her quietly and keeps his hands supportingly on her back. y/n looks into his eyes, her hand now on his cheek. 

“you f-feel so good inside me.” she whines and arches her back, hair messy in the air, complete surrender to her feelings. 

bruce feels himself twitch inside of her at the words, and he doesn’t resist the groan coming out from between his lips. he grips one of her thighs in his hand, one palm completely capable of covering it, and sees the bump he’s made in her, completely visible to him. “fuck,” he moans out and takes one of her hands in his, guiding it down to the bump, looking into y/n’s eyes as he does. y/n feels the phenomena there and gives him a tired smile, her cheeks sweaty and shining from it in the half-dark. 

“you’re so big, bruce, no wonder,” she compliments him and it makes them both chuckle quietly, though the praise once again goes straight to bruce’s hardness inside of her, “ah, fuck—” she starts to say, but can’t even finish her sentence, whatever it might have been, because her orgasm has taken hold of her and is washing through her entire body like an intense wave. bruce completely succumbs to her, feeling himself unloading inside of her, too, nearly in unison with her milking him in all his length. 

he tries to watch her face as she comes, not wanting to miss the sight of it, and he manages through his eyes filled with euphoria to catch the look of her. eyebrows scrunched, cheeks glistening with sweat, breasts on display for him, hair falling over her arched back. that is until she crumbles on top of him, her head resting on his shoulder and her hands gripping the back of the sofa. she pants heavily into his ear as he does the same, both of them grounding themselves back to reality. “you’re incredible, y/n,” bruce tells her and y/n smiles in response. 

she easily hops off him and finds her sweater on the floor and puts it on before sitting back down next to him. bruce stuffs himself back into his sweats and runs a hand through his hair. she turns her head to look at bruce and they smile at each other. “you’re not so bad yourself,” she tells him and kisses his lips gently. she circles her arms around his neck and they rest their foreheads together, “i could never get tired of this. physically, i mean. i think my stamina is through the roof,” y/n admits, making bruce chuckle, and she enjoys feeling the rumble of his laughter.

“i’ll try to keep up,” he promises and glances into her eyes, this time he’s made her laugh. with her he comes to realize how much he’s capable of. he can make her laugh, he can make her smile, he can make her blush, he can make her reach ecstasy-level orgasms. all of these are honours he holds dear to his heart, “i could never get tired of you.” he tells her quietly. 

“me, neither, of you,” y/n responds, then averts her eyes from bruce’s briefly, “what if i can’t take it? the press, the job? what if i’m not... good enough? classy enough?” she lets her anxieties wonder. it breaks bruce’s heart that she feels this way. 

“you’re more than good enough,” he assures her, “the press may want to say horrible things about you, and i know it’s easy to give into hate and... critique, but...” bruce shakes his head, “you’re the amazing spider-woman, without the suit and powers, too.” he makes a smile at her and y/n gives a weak one back. “you’re going to be so great at this, i already know it. and don’t be afraid to ask for help—me and alfred will be supporting you every step of the way.”

y/n sniffles quietly, but gives bruce a nod. she leans against the back of the sofa, letting go of bruce, and his skin misses her touch immediately. she rubs her eyes and sighs. “i’ve wanted to do something like this, be someone who can make a real change, all my life, since i was a little kid,” she tells him, “and everything that happened throughout growing up just made me want to do it more. and now you’ve given me this amazing opportunity to finally do something like it, and it scares me,” she turns her head to look at him again. bruce nods, understanding, and splays an arm over her frame, “i can never thank you enough for doing this for me. i’m really grateful for it. i’m just scared i won’t be any good at it.” 

“you will be,” bruce tells her, “i never expected this kind of... role would fall on me. i did know, of course, that i would have to follow in my father’s footsteps, and i was more than happy to, but doing it alone, especially when there’s so much pressure about it, and relentless work, never made me like it.” he shook his head. “i know i still want to help people, i always have, and being batman was my way of doing it, but... you’ve made me realize it’s never going to be enough. yes, i can make people fear me, but there’s always going to be someone not so afraid.” he makes a pause to clear his throat. “you remember that brothel we went to on our first night together?” he asks and y/n nods along. “we’re never gonna stop more of those being made by just... doing what we do on our night shifts. crime and corruption in gotham are like diseases. we gotta do more.” he says and y/n nods again. 

“i’m glad you see it now, too,” she tells him and runs a hand through his hair, “we will do more. but i can’t do it without you.” she says and makes a sad smile. bruce holds her moving hand in his and lays a kiss on the top of her palm. 

“you won’t,” he promises, “you won’t be alone. i’ll go to every interview, every event, anything with you.” so you won’t be alone, like i was, in this business. 

y/n chuckles. “really?”

“yeah, i promise,” bruce says with a smile and that’s what makes her believe him. she nods, “i’ll take care of you.” she presses their intertwined hands against his cheek.

“we’ll take care of each other,” she corrects him, and bruce nods, lips once again on her hand, “thank you for this. and for believing in me.” she makes a smile at him and curls herself closer to bruce. he nods at her. he’ll always believe in her. ever since that first night she took him to her apartment, he has put tremendous faith in her and she has always proved worth it. she has never disappointed him. she’s only ever surprised him and hurt him when she fled the manor that night. but never disappoint him. she should have ‘exceeds expectations’ written in her resume, in her passport. 

“always,” bruce says and kisses her lips. 

“uh, vanessa,” y/n calls for her attention again, and vanessa turns to her with welcoming eyes, “can you promise me that... you won’t say anything the press want you to say? no matter how much money they’re offering.” she requests shyly, hoping this won’t close vanessa off to her. but her friend-colleague nods. 

“of course,” she says, “i would never do that to you, man, come on,” she bumps y/n’s shoulder and they both laugh, “no amount of money could make me want to lie about you.”

“thanks so much. i’d never assume otherwise, you know, just had to make sure.” y/n says timidly and rubs her hands together. “i’ll hand in my resignation tomorrow. a month’s notice.” she tells her and vanessa nods with a smile, though she also sighs sadly.

“only a month with you left,” she says and makes a playful frown. y/n shakes her head, “it’s gonna be weird here without you.”

“i know,” y/n says in an aching voice, “it’s gonna be so strange not working here. but i’ll come here for coffee, i promise you that.”

vanessa smiles. “it’ll always be on the house,” she says and does a salute. it makes them both giggle again, but the bell ringing at the entrance door alerts them of a new customer and their laughter dies down a little. 

“that won’t go unnoticed, v,” y/n tells her as she takes her post behind the cash register. vanessa raises an eyebrow at her, “if i’m ever invited to a gala and i can take a plus one, it’s gonna be you.” y/n smiles at vanessa and she nearly bursts at the proposition.

“are you serious? but won’t mr wayne be your plus one?” she makes sure, but y/n shakes her head. 

“no, he gets his own invites. we could go as three, and i wouldn’t wanna go with anybody else, anyway,” she admits. 

“ah, just imagine – us getting ready together to go a gala! what a dream,” vanessa ties her apron around her waist again and passes y/n to stand behind the coffee machine, “your life’s definitely getting better.”

that statement sort of stops y/n in her tracks. her life is getting better, that’s true, she just hadn’t admitted that to herself yet. probably because she feels she doesn’t deserve it, isn’t worthy of such good circumstances. a great relationship, a job she’s wanted to do since she was a kid, a job in helping countless people in peril, poverty, hunger and everything else that’s eating gotham up from inside. but she doesn’t let herself enjoy it. well, truthfully, it hasn’t happened yet, and she’s already hesitant towards it.

being scared of the job is one thing – how good is she gonna be at it? how will everyone else at wayne enterprises like her? how will the media take her work? how will the people of gotham embrace her? but another thing is feeling like she doesn’t deserve it. she doesn’t come from upper class, she wasn’t born into money like bruce was. she comes from a different universe altogether. 

but shouldn’t an advocate for people who can’t defend or support themselves be someone exactly like them? maybe y/n should tell her story to the whole of gotham, about her hardships growing up, about her mother’s hardships – not the whole story in details, but just enough that would make people see that she’s just like them, no different, and wants to help. because she knows how she can help. she knows exactly what these people need because she’s been one of them. who better to protect and vouch for them than someone who comes from the same gutter? that would be a great article headline for the press, y/n thinks.

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#bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne x fem!reader #battinson smut #battinson #battinson x fem!reader #mask & seek #batman series #the batman fanfic #har-rison-s writes #har-rison-s work #har-rison-s writes batman #battinson x oc #mask & seek series #bruce wayne fanfic #bruce wayne fan fiction

[ceapa-mica]

A Relationship with Grand Admiral Thrawn 💖 - a headcanon

I can't stop writing! 😄 Thrawn's my newest blorbo and it's so refreshing and a pleasure to write for him.

Reader is gender neutral.

🔞 This will be a bit NSFW 🔞

I dedicate this one to @thrawnsboots

May you never recover from this one hehehe

So, you made a certain emotionally constipated blue Grand Admiral fall in love with you? Congratulations! 🎉 Good for you!

Now let's get into this headcanon of what you can expect in a relationship with Thrawn. 💙

Secrecy. As long as you're not engaged or something your relationship will remain behind closed doors. Thrawn values his privacy and wants to keep you safe from people who might want to harm him through you.

Keeping a secret like that aboard the Chimera is still impossible though. So eventually your relationship will become the biggest open secret on the ISD.

The crew is grateful since you impact Thrawn’s mood in a positive way.

Outside of his quarters you both will keep a professional distance.

Thrawn is a busy man, but he takes as much time as he can to spend with you, whether it’s having sex in his quarters or traveling to worlds in nearby star systems he's familiar with, showing you the Galaxy.

Every date with Thrawn is special. Visiting restaurants, hours spent in art galleries and museums, or a simple picnic in a beautiful landscape. He makes sure it never gets dull, is open for suggestions for the next date, and you will have so many meaningful in depth conversations together.

Those dates can become irregular at times given his busy schedule.

When it's just the two of you, he always shows you the love and appreciation you deserve.

As your relationship progresses he teaches you phrases in Cheunh and Sy Bisti.

Thrawn’s love language consists of acts of service, gift giving and words of affirmation.

Seriously, this man spoils you, he treats you just like you deserve.

Keep in mind he treats you like everyone else at your workplace though! Safe for glancing your way every so often when no one else is looking.

I hope you don't mind a partner who's super enthusiastic about art, because oh boy, Thrawn could talk about art for hours!

He has never been in a relationship before. When he joined the Empire, falling in love wasn't in the cards for him. He didn't expect it would happen…until you came into his life.

Your long time compatibility with Thrawn depends on what your own personal goals are.

Let's say you want to be at this man’s side for the rest of your life, I see engagement and marriage in your future, if you're up to it.

As a Chiss, Thrawn is a man of tradition. He won't share you with anyone. That's unheard of where he comes from.

Being in the Imperial Navy during a Galaxy wide war complicates things, but he's determined to keep Imperial affairs away from his private life, that includes your relationship as well.

Thrawn can become a bit jealous in situations where another man gets flirty with you, but never in a toxic way. He trusts you to make the right decision and remain faithful.

He will remind you in the bedroom what you would lose if you weren’t. In other words, he ruins you for any other man.

Tbh I picture a relationship with him as healthy, he doesn't seem to be a man who disrespects his partner y’know.

From a partner, Thrawn needs someone who's competent and just… gets him. He's different, not due to being an alien, I’m talking about his mind. (He's autistically coded)

If you put a serious effort in understanding him, show genuine interest in who he really is, not just as a Grand Admiral or because of his abilities, but as a person, with all his flaws, and you still love and accept him the way he is, this man is yours for life!

Stay tuned for the engagement headcanon coming soon!

Feel free to add to this headcanon! 💙

#thrawn #grand admiral thrawn #mitth'raw'nuruodo #thrawn x reader #thrawn x you #thrawn headcanon #blue man hot #thrawn fanfiction #star wars rebels #ahsoka series #star wars

[funhouse-mirror-barbie]

I don’t think that EP 4 of Hazbin really romanticizes Angel’s abuse, but, personally, I am made MUCH more uncomfortable by the fact that the storyboard artist who was the lead for that episode has been very open about the fact that he has a rape fetish.

More discussion below, I’m really wanting this to be the only time I talk about this, as I really don’t like discussing “drama” and try to stick to writing and design critiques.

This felt like something I needed to address though, because it largely changed the lense through which I view Hazbin as a piece of media—please know that this is JUST me talking about my personal frustrations with the background information of this episode, and how it was made—see end of post for TLDR; CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE:

And. I just want to make it clear that, my issue is NOT with the storyboarder having rape fetish. I don’t understand it, but as long as they’re not ACTUALLY assaulting or hurting anyone, it’s not really mine or anyone else’s business. That goes for anyone with that kind of fetish, honestly.

The problem I have comes from not knowing whether or not any of the scenes depicting extreme abuse and rape in the show were done to explore a darker topic seriously, or if they were done for the artist’s own sexual gratification.

The scenes during “Poison”, to me, are an extremely uncomfortable look at the horrors of sexual abuse and assault and sex trafficking.

But I don’t know, and can’t know, if that’s how the creator of Hazbin and the lead storyboard artist see it, despite claiming they take the story seriously.

I really really want to believe that the scenes were storyboarded in good-faith, as a way to look at these things and help SA victims feel seen, because that’s how the episode has constantly been described by Hazbin’s creator.

However, I just CAN’T believe it knowing what I know about the storyboard artist’s tastes.

They have been very open about shipping Valentino, Angel Dust’s abuser and rapist, with Angel Dust, and have made multiple drawings, comics, and an animatic of Valentino abusing Angel Dust. The storyboard artist has confirmed that the context they see these character’s relationship in is non-consensual.

And AGAIN, I’m not saying that that makes the artist a terrible person or objectively bad or something. As I said, I personally don’t understand it, but I’m not here to be the “fictional character fetish police”.

I’m bringing these things up as examples of things that have caused me to believe that Poison may have been made as fetish material—something that really only upsets me this deeply due to Hazbin Hotel’s creator’s insistence that it was always meant to be “objectively” respectful victim representation somehow. Bringing up these examples is important because it potentially adds more context to the way the Episode 4 was written.

I have a REALLY hard time believing that when lines from one of the storyboarder’s fetish comics were adapted into the show itself in Episode 4.

This is the original fan comic the head storyboarder made vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

This is the dialogue that APPEARS to have been heavily influenced by or adapted into the show— vvvvvvvvvvv

I’ve previously explained how I believe that some of the discussion surrounding Episode 4 of Hazbin were really counterproductive, in that many people, fans and critics alike, were talking about it as if it could be proven objectively whether or not “Poison” was done respectfully.

Im not going back on that, because again, a survivor of SA feeling represented or not by something is EXTREMELY subjective, and I don’t think anyone should try and “disprove” their feelings and opinions. That’s not what I’m trying to do here, and that’s not what I’m about.

I wanted to talk about this to go over my own personal feelings about the situation, and how it’s caused me to lose any last little bit of remaining trust I had in the show runner’s abilities to portray serious topics maturely.

I want to believe so badly that Poison shows Angel’s Dust’s graphic abuse to say something about abuse as a whole, to show how awful it is, and to try and support victims and help them feel seen. I initially thought that was the case when I watched the episode.

But learning the context behind how the episode was made and who storyboarded that has changed my perspective.

In a lot of ways, the way I feel about it is very similar to how I now look back at shows like iCarly and the Amanda Show, which I loved as a kid. When I first watched iCarly when I was young, I thought the random foot jokes were funny. I thought it was just the kids being silly.

But now as an adult, knowing and understanding how much control the show’s creator had over the actors, and may have been putting his personal foot fetish into the show has changed it for me. I have the context now behind the reasons those sorts of jokes and scenes were written into the show. And it’s upsetting to know that. It’s changed how I view those scenes.

I experienced the exact same thing learning about the Hazbin storyboarder’s fetish

I can’t see Poison or think of episode 4 without wondering if it was made as fetish fuel for the artist. If so, it changes the way I see the episode, because it’s no longer a look at the horrors of SA and rape, it’s fetishizing the very thing it’s claiming to take seriously.

And if so, it makes the 3 days of Hazbin’s creator arguing with people online that the scene was done with victims in mind and to be respectful really frustrating.

I mean. If they WANTED to make a show with a rape fetish, then ok. Well. I wouldn’t want to watch it but like. That’s their prerogative, and as long as no one is actually being hurt, that’s fine. I don’t get it, but whatever.

But for me, the creator’s INSISTENCE that the portrayal of abuse was objectively respectful and not fetishizing abuse in any way, when we KNOW that the storyboard head of the episode and Poison has a rape fetish involving Angel Dust and Valentino, leaves an incredibly bad taste in my mouth.

It makes me doubt that the more mature themes in Hazbin are being written with real consideration for survivors. That, coupled with fans saying that SA survivors and viewers who were upset about Poison’s portrayal of abuse owed Hazbin’s creator an apology of all things…just because they were upset by or didn’t like the episode, makes me feel so gross about everything.

I just don’t know what else to make of it all.

Anyway TLDR/

-The Lead Storyboard artist of Episode 4 of Hazbin Hotel having a rape fetish they express through art of Angel Dust/Valentino doesn’t bother me personally. I don’t understand it, but I don’t think a fetish like that makes someone a terrible person.

-What DOES bother me is that, when many SA survivors discussed and brought up their very valid concerns about how the Episode would be handled given the above, they were largely dismissed by the creator and fans.

-The fact that I just don’t know if the episode was made as fetish material or not has changed the whole context of the episode for me. I want to believe the episode was made with good intentions like Hazbin’s creator claims, but I can’t knowing what I do about who was involved in making the episode.

-And FINALLY while everything I spoke about has changed the way I personally see the episode, if you, or anyone, still find comfort or strength in the episode or love it, I am NOT trying to take that from you. I am not trying to convince anyone that they need to have my same opinions or feelings on this. I am not trying to argue with anyone or act like I have a moral high ground over anyone else. I am talking ONLY about how learning more about the person in charge of a lot of Episode 4 of Hazbin made me feel personally, and changed my view on the episode as a whole, which may affect my future critiques and thoughts.

#hazbin hotel episode 4 #hazbin hotel critical #hazbin critique #hazbin hotel criticism #hazbin hotel critique #long post #funhouse convo

[whollyfree]

Sweet Nothing

Summary – singer!reader writes a song about jake Pairings – Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count – ~800

Warnings – literally just pure fluff idk what else to say

You and Jake’s relationship was a secret to the world.

In your own small bubble, you found the happiness you never thought you could find with him by your side. Of course, both of your friends and family knew, but the safety net of keeping things private was pertinent to you. You felt safe with this; that you didn't have to show this dear and precious side of your life to the world.

That being said, vulnerability wasn’t necessarily your strong suit, but ever since you fell in love with Jake, you found yourself taking baby steps into the path of this new journey. You felt safe with him; that you could tell him anything without judgment and he would continue to love you for exactly who you are.

Soon enough, this leap of faith took on a life of its own into your music. And as Jake found himself traveling up toward his bedroom, you assured him you would only be a few more minutes, having kept yourself busy with the new project in front of you.

I spy with my little tired eye

Tiny as a firefly

A pebble that we picked up last July

Down deep inside your pocket

We almost forgot it

Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

“Now this is supposed to be the other way around,” Jake’s voice was quiet against you, a soft smile gracing his features as he pressed a kiss to the side of your head. You smiled, leaning against him as his head found a spot in between your neck and your left shoulder.

It was normally you pulling Jake’s hand away from his pen and paper to join you into bed, but tonight it was different. He knew you didn’t typically bring your work home with you (or at least tried not to), so this must be something special.

It had been nearly an hour since you told him you would only be a few more minutes, but you were so lost in your own work and the emotions he brought from you to pour into a song that you almost didn’t want to leave the piano.

“Do you remember when we went to Ireland over the summer?” You ask and he hums in agreement, moving your hair behind your shoulder to place a gentle kiss to the side of your throat.

You fight back a giggle. “And we went to Wicklow,” another kiss higher and a hum. “And we brought home that pebble?” He plants a kiss just below your ear and you laugh. He hums again to respond.

“Well,” you turn your head slightly. “I put it in a song.”

You feel him pull away and meet your eyes with a look of confusion. Drowsiness was evident on his features as his robe hung loosely off of him.

“Writing songs about pebbles…I’d say that’s a new creative direction for you, sweetheart.” He chuckles, his tanned chest catching the light from the piano lamp and you laugh in response.

“No,” you fight back more laughter before looking back at him. “It’s about you.”

Jake’s expression changes into a look of pure love and adoration; the look that was only reserved for you. His heart filled with butterflies as he took in the sight of you. Here you were, the one person he loved most in this world, sat at his piano in his house who wrote a song about him.

On the way home

I wrote a poem

You say, "What a mind"

This happens all the time

“Well, what about me, angel?” Jake’s smile hasn’t left his lips as he looks onto the lyrics you scribbled onto the journal in front of you.

“I wrote a poem on our way home-”

“Mm, the one you never let me read.”

You smile, “that’s the one,” he grins again, his teeth gracing his lips. “It’s about how I feel when I’m with you. How you just want me for who I am, nothing else.”

You could’ve sworn you saw a tear form in his eye under the light as his smile faded into something much softer. His eyes stayed glued to yours, and you could see the words forming in his head before speaking. He wanted to express his gratitude in the most eloquent way he possibly could for you.

“You’re all I’ll ever want,” his voice is nearly a whisper. “I wouldn’t trade anything for this heaven of a life I have with you.”

Now it was your turn for tears to form as you smiled back. Jake leans in using his thumb and index finger to pull you into a tender kiss. You felt everything from that action alone; all of the love possible just from one gentle feeling of his lips on yours.

They said the end is coming

Everyone's up to something

I find myself running home to your sweet nothings

Outside, they're push and shoving

You're in the kitchen humming

All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

Share your thoughts/feedback! | Masterlist

#jake kiszka #jake gvf #jake kiszka x reader #jake kiszka fanfic #jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka blurb #greta van fleet #greta van fic #greta van fluff #my writing #josh kiszka #josh gvf #sam kiszka #sammy gvf #sam gvf #danny gvf #jake kiszka fluff #jake kiszka one shot

[khal-ulti]

PLEASANTFORT (unfinished medieval neighborhood)

Hi! As I've said in my latest post, I am not going to be playing The Sims 2 for a while, as I'm exploring other hobbies and focusing on work, but I don't want my two neighborhood projects to be lost forever. I'm gonna share them here so that anyone who wants to try them out and maybe finish these projects can do it!

Here's Pleasantfort, an attempt to transform Pleasantview into a medieval town. The neighborhood has no characters files because my plan was to make a uninhabited version first, so that anyone could use it as a base for their medieval playthroughs. There is a serious lack of downloadable historical neighborhoods for The Sims 2 and many players want to try out playing in a medieval setting, but it requires so much time and energy to find all the custom content and build a neighborhood from scratch, so I wanted to make it simpler for everyone by creating this neighborhood.

As this is an unfinished project that I'm sharing because I don't know if I'll ever manage to wrap it up, some lots have NOT been made over. The main lots that are absent are the Royal Castle (the house of the Pleasants, which was supposed to be the tallest and richest building with two towers for Lilith and Angela), the Jacoban Cathedral (I was going to make a replica of the Jacoban Church from The Sims Medieval) and the community lots with various medieval businesses: a candle shop, a tapestry and clothing shop, the town market, a tavern with a stage for bards... other than that, there are some original Pleasantview residential lots that have not been made over. They are the ones near the coast.

You can solve this problem in multiple ways: you can build these lots yourselves, or you can simply bulldoze them and play with what already is there. But I would suggest building the community lots, otherwise you won't get the cool medieval experience of sending your sims to the tavern with their friends to gossip about the royal family's latest scandal.

I will give you some info on what I was planning for the characters' stories, to give you some inspiration in case you wanted to populate this neighborhood with the characters from Pleasantview:

⦿ The Pleasants are supposed to be the Royal Family. Daniel is the king and Mary-Sue is the queen consort; Angela was the first twin to come out of the womb so she was elected heiress of the throne, explaining the different behaviour Daniel and Mary-Sue show towards their two daughters. Mary-Sue is a faithful Jacoban and invests most of her time in activites for the growth of the Jacoban faith in Pleasantfort, while Daniel lashes out on festivals, tournaments and buffets. Angela is in a forbidden relationship with a plebeian named Dustin: if her parents were to find out, the young boy would probably risk his life!

⦿ Mortimer Goth is the Master Alchemist of Pleasantfort and he works in close contact with the royal family.

⦿ The Burbs and the Oldies are noble families of Pleasantfort and I was planning to build two estates for them: my plan was to place the Burbs on 113 Wright Way (the villa near the coast) and the Oldies in a new lot outside of town, because I imagined them as farmland owners. Jennifer is the sister of the king and she is well liked by the townsfolk, more than the queen Mary-Sue herself. The Burbs are Peteran and some people think Jennifer and John should be queen and king instead of Daniel and Mary-Sue. Herb and Coral Oldie are Jacoban.

⦿ Don Lothario is the town's physician. His story would basically be the same.

⦿ Darren Dreamer is an artist and paints for the royal family and the church. I do not remember his religion but it can be guessed by the furnishing of his house.

⦿ Dina and Nina Caliente were going to own a business, but I was undecided on whether they should own the clothing and tapestry shop (for consistency with their personalities), the tavern (to create a tie with the Broke family) or something else.

⦿ Brandi Broke works at Pleasantfort's tavern as an employee (the tavern was going to be owned by Dina or by a townie, because I LOVE townie-owned-businesses!)

DOWNLOAD THE REQUIRED CC FOR PLEASANTFORT HERE!

DOWNLOAD PLEASANTFORT HERE!

A big shout-out to @plumbtales for contributing to this project! She is an amazing builder and she built the biggest and most beautiful lots in this town. Thank you! <3

#ts2 #the sims 2 #sims 2 #ts2 hood #ts2 neighborhood #ts2 download #sims2 download #the sims 2 download #sims 2 download #dl: hood #ts2 medieval #medieval pleasantview #sims 2 medieval #pleasantfort #sims 2 pleasantview #pleasantview

[preciouslittletoonette]

I've watched a few YouTube reviews of Return to Neverland in the past (spoiler alert all but maybe one or two were being a tad unfair towards it I'm so sorry RTN baby you deserve better no one gets you like I get you <3). And one question that pops up a lot that got me thinking and since I'm posting a lot more Peter in the last 2 days than usual, I figured I'd address the question.

The question is: If flying was really the only way out of Neverland, why couldn't Peter just carry her through the second star and take her back home himself?

And that, to my annoyance, was a pretty valid question to be asking.

Why didn't Peter just carry her back to London?

The first obvious answer to me is that if he did that, there'd be no story. That's the outside world answer.

The in-universe answer was lost on me, until now.

Thinking and confronting the revelation of Peter's character development from the 1st movie to JATNP to the movie sequel and beyond made me look further deeper into the story of Return to Neverland and made me look at Peter and Jane's interactions in a new light. And finally after what has been months of this question haunting the back of my brain, I finally have something close to a concrete answer that I am very satisfied with.

Why didn't Peter just take Jane back to London himself?

It's because he's noticed that there's something else in Jane that's weighing her down that's not just the situation in her family.

One of the bigger but not the biggest pieces of Peter's character that we see got developed and improved was Peter's ability to Read The Room.

In the first movie, he's awful at reading the room. Missing entire social clues and feelings like Wendy's jealousy and anger. In RTN, he catches on to people's feelings rather quickly and can sometimes effectively deal with them (like using Tink's jealousy to his advantage).

In Jane's first escape attempt with the raft, while she's building and checking everything, we see Peter has and is spending a good amount of time watching her very intently. He's so focused on Jane Tink even fails to get his attention. He's busy trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with her. Even while speaking with Jane, he's still trying to figure out what her problem was. He prods, asks invasive questions and watches her body language until he finally figures it out and everything clicks into place.

He sees Jane has lost her faith. Her hope. Her belief. He sees how badly the war has been affecting her and this in tandem was affecting her relationship with her family back home. That's why she wanted to go home so badly. To make things right and apologise. Though yeah, apologising will fix things, it won't get rid of the root of the big problem: which is Jane's lack of faith.

And that's where Peter steps up. He engages with her, banters with her and includes her in on the group. His personal goal is to reignite Jane's faith. And the only way he can see that truly is if Jane is able to fly on her own with pixie dust, which will align with the main goal of helping Jane return home. Even when the stakes get higher and Tinkerbell's life is on the line, Peter still has Jane's best interests at heart by including her into the Lost Boys and letting her let loose in a way she could've never have done back in war-torn London.

And he knows his goal was finally completed the moment he saw her soaring through the sky with the brightest smile on her face, looking at peace. It was then, he knew it was finally time for her to head home back to her mother.

He didn't fight to make her stay because while she's clearly having fun on Neverland, he knows she'll be her happiest back home with Wendy. And if there's one thing Peter wants for all his Lost Boys & Girls (but also especially for the Darlings), it's for them to happy and hopeful.

TL;DR: Peter didn't let Jane leave because he can see she's unhappy and hopeless, so he tries to cheer her up and reignite her hope and once it's reignited, only then does Peter help guide her home.

#peter pan #peter pan return to neverland #peter pan: return to neverland #i love rtn so much can you tell? #i see peter as being Jane's guardian angel/ fairy godparent who's there for her in her time of need #he wants her to be the happiest girl alive #she's his little lost girl and the fact she's Wendy's daughter only strengthens his fondness for her #jane darling #long post #man I'm on a roll with the peter pan posts recently

[nothorses]

As an atheist who frequently despairs at the way progressive tumblr talks about us, I've loved reading your recent posts on the subject. You've articulated some stuff that bugged me but I could never quite describe, like how people think of atheism as some broken remnant of christianity rather than a valid worldview on its own.

But there's one thing you've emphasized repeatedly that I just don't think I can agree with: the idea that other people being confidently convinced of their beliefs means that we should act less confident of ours. Yes, I recognize that most religious people are at least as confident in their faiths as I am in my non-belief. But people are confidently wrong all the time, about all kinds of stuff. When anti-vaxxers, flat earthers, climate change deniers, homeopaths, astrologers, or psychics are confidently wrong, we don't take it as a reminder to humble ourselves in the face of disagreement, especially when it comes time to make decisions based on the facts at issue. Sure, we usually don't preach about it to strangers, maybe we decide it's not worth losing a relationship over, maybe we don't bring it up at thanksgiving, but we don't throw our hands up and declare it a tie because both sides wrote down an answer.

Like, let's be clear, this is a question of fact, just like any pseudoscience or conspiracy theory. The supernatural does not exist. Humankind has spent the entirety of our species' history looking for it, we would all desperately like for any of it to be real, and if there was anything there to find, we would've found something by now.

So why does the fact that a lot of people are confidently wrong about that mean that the ones who aren't have to act less confident than everyone else?

It's not that we need to be "less confident" in our beliefs; I have seen people argue that you can't prove a negative or whatever, there's stuff we don't understand yet, so we can't actually claim atheism is Definitely Correct. and like. I fundamentally disagree with that, actually. it's not something I want to get in arguments on tumblr about (can you fucking imagine) but I think the logical conclusion of "you can't prove a negative" is not "therefore, anything you can't prove isn't true is equally as valid". it's that demanding people to prove a negative is unreasonable, and the onus of proof in fact falls on the people claiming a positive.

this is also how things work when someone on tumblr claims I'm a sex freak who hates women and is also a TERF: it's not my responsibility to prove that whatever unhinged accusations some rando on the internet comes up with aren't true. it's their responsibility to prove that they are.

but here's the thing: it's not about who's right, here. that doesn't actually matter.

there are two things you need to consider here:

1. How likely this person is to listen to you

2. Whether the thing they believe actually has a notable impact on anyone else.

Anti-vaxxers believe something that directly and adversely impacts other people. Climate change deniers also do. Flat-earthers conceivably could be harmless, but the roots and execution of that ideology lead to a lot of harmful, antisemitic conspiracy theories that do harm to real life people.

But like, I don't care if Cindy from class thinks astrology is real. I don't actually have to worry about that unless she starts trying to discriminate against people based on their star signs (looking at you, white queer 20-somethings looking for roommates in Seattle).

I don't care if my mom thinks teatree oil is gonna help her... idk, whatever she thinks teatree oil does. She also takes the meds she needs and sees a doctor about stuff, and the addition of teatree oil isn't hurting her. I worry even less about adult strangers making medical decisions for themselves; that's their business, and their choice. I'll take issue with it if they deprive anyone else of necessary medical care on that basis.

#1 is harder to consider, I think. A lot of us want it to be the case that others will listen to us, and a lot of us want to believe that if our arguments are good enough and we're good enough at it, we can get through to anyone.

That's a fantasy. A very silly, very egotistical fantasy likely to drive you to frustration, and ultimately to isolation. The fact of the matter is that it's rarely about you; people decide to listen or not, and there's nothing you can do about it if they decide not to listen. Pushing the issue doesn't change that.

When people accuse me of unhinged shit on tumblr, I don't take it upon myself to prove a negative. I might address those claims in some way, and remind people to get proof of the positive first, but only if it gets to be enough of an issue that I feel I need to. Ultimately, I know the people making those claims don't care, and aren't listening; the only reason I address them at all is if they have an adverse impact on me or others.

People who believe in things we don't believe exist... well, first, they often do believe they have proof. That's just not a basis you're gonna win an argument about that on. And, also, they have no intention of listening to you- and that's fine. As long as their beliefs aren't causing them to hurt others, nobody needs to worry about it. And if they do, we can worry about the impact and the things directly relating to it instead of trying to convince every religious person with flaws to just stop being religious.

Some atheists are assholes because of what they believe. That's not a fact we can ignore, either.

At the end of the day, the goal is just to share space with others. We don't need everyone to agree with us, we don't need everyone to believe the same things, and it's a good idea, in fact, to look at those other beliefs/religions/etc. and see value in them- the value they add to the lives of those who are a part of them, and the value they add to others' through those people.

At a certain point, it doesn't matter if something is Objectively True. Oftentimes we don't know, or can't know- but that doesn't matter either. The obsession with objective truth is very much a white Western one, and it's done a lot of harm to people- entire cultures, even.

You can't be an econ major looking at this through the lens of hard numbers; you need to factor in human life, compassion, and context. It's not about who's right; it's about being a good person.

#atheism

[libbee]

SOME ASTRO MISTAKES I HAVE MADE SO FAR WHILE LEARNING THINGS:

Trying to use astrology to predict longetivity and death of someone. This is really controversial and hard to predict. Perhaps someone with gifted intuition can predict something like this but using just astrology is not a good idea. Astrology cannot tell how long someone will live or when they will die. For eg, contrary to popular belief that saturn in 8th house gives very long life, i have seen many natives passing in their middle ages. Similarly, all inner planets in 8th house have reputation of giving long lives but this is not the case. Sigmund Freud with moon in 8th house taurus died at 83 while Steve Jobs with moon in 8th house pisces died at 56. It was truly my mistake to use astrology for such taboo thing and to try to become God. In Vimshottari dasha chart, a lot of times such mahadasha, antardasha align that may generate paranoia that the native may pass away in that time period but no it doesnt work like that in every time period. In hindsight, when the native has already passed, perhaps it is possible to see in which time period they did pass and attribute that to it but it is risk of cognitive bias and there is no mental work involved. So, i think that it is very hard if not impossible to predict death from astrology. Anyway astrology must not be used for such sadistic purposes. Make the most out of each day you have. No person born will go back alive. One famous astrologer in India Bejan Daruwala passed away in corona period when he himself was doing predictions on corona. How ironic! I have seen astrologers predicting that such person will be alive for next 5 years and it is just a bad time period currently, but the native passed away within one month only. This kind of thing breaks my faith in astro and also makes the whole thing rather scary. I promised myself not to do something like this again in my astro studies. I refrain from doing death predictions.

Trying to read zodiac sign predictions to predict what will hapoen in coming month, year. This was when i was new to astro. I was born in June so my zodiac is Gemini. I used to read Gemini predictions for the coming month and year on random astro websites and blindly trusted it too. I remember preparing for exam and reading prediction that coming month will be good for students blah blah.. guess what? I failed that exam. This was rather stupid thing to do and i totally deserved what i got. 12 zodiac signs is not real astrology. Real astrology is the birth chart, time period of planets, perhaps tarot is also linked to it. But pop astrology and predictions are pure gibberish and commercial money making business. If you want to know how your coming week or month or year will be, take out your birth chart, use a reputed website to create vimshottari dasha chart, take out tarot and use your own energy and mind to come up with possible predictions. It also helps to keep a journal of each planetary time period and what happened during that time in your life so that in future you can use that journal to come up with probably future telling for your personal life path. Trying to predict fortune and success from astro alone is again a gamble. You have to trust in your skills and knowledge and practice. Dont repeat the mistake i did of blindly relying on astro to know my exam result.

Zodiac sign compatibility. This is funny but i used to see the birthday of my crush and match his zodiac sign with mine, read random gibberish on websites and thought "nah, we are not compatible, or nah i dont like this zodiac sign, or nah this zodiac sign is too superficial for me.." Couple astrology is only done with birth charts and nothing else. It takes mental effort to match compatibility. On top of that, friendship, values, personalities and willingness to be in relationship are all factors that are not within your control. You can also not tell when someone is being deceptive, lying, faking until you learn people skills and to read personalities. There is just no shortcuts in relationships.

Consuming a lot of youtube content to know astrology. Astrology has basic foundation that you can read in book and some trustworthy websites. There is nothing else to know. Watching random videos for short term gratification and sembalance that i am learning something or being productive is just not it. Astrology is personal tool. Everybody will have different language to say the same thing. Once you have read the basics, have trust in it and do not change your foundation just because someone else said so.

Astrology should not be put on a pedestal. Astrology is valid and gives answers to questions of life but it is just that - a tool, a subject, a field of knowledge. Dont make it your whole life. Dont worship it. Dont make it your whole personality. Dont use it too much that you lose your sanity. Life is meant to live not to figure out. The more you figure out, the more you will see how much is unknown and yet to be explored. You dont have enough years in your life to explore everything that is unconscious.

The only person you need to look up to is yourself. If you cannot tell the answers, i doubt anyone else can. I use to spend a lot of time watching oracle live streams, using random websites of psychics. Use your judgment to discern between money making business and genuine knowledge. Occult world is not devoid of sociopaths who simply want to make money at someone else's expense and being the nature of occult so abstract, it is easy to exploit people in terms of relationship issues, career issues, mental health issues, health issues. We cannot even blame the victim because in that vulnerable time period they are looking at all possible options to fix their problems. We learn from our mistakes only.

#astro community #astro notes #astro observations #astro placements #astro tumblr #astroblr #astrology #astrology notes #astrology observations #astrology blog #Astrology

[loosingmoreletters]

Summary: In which Lan Qiren hears the rumors about Wei Wuxian supposedly being Jiang Fengmian’s bastard and comes to a wholly incorrect conclusion.

Lan Qiren did not want to think about Wei Wuxian more than necessary, but the accusations flung around stuck with him.

He had briefly run into Cangse Sanren and her husband during her pregnancy. The meet-up had been an accident, Lan Qiren out supervising a night hunt when he should have been watching over Lan Xichen. Cangse Sanren hadn’t been showing much yet, her robes still tied tight for combat as opposed to her husband’s loose ones, and she certainly hadn’t behaved like a pregnant woman, running circles around their little camp, eating messily when her husband handed her a bowl, just as much a menace as always. If anything, only Wei Changze acted appropriately, happy at the prospect of his impending fatherhood and offering a few insights into naming preferences between careful bites.

So bland! Cangse Sanren had complained about that night’s meal. All because of your nausea!

I’m sorry, my love, had been the reply, the expression as sheepish as Wei Wuxian when caught too early in his mischief.

No, Wei Wuxian was undoubtedly the son of Wei Changze. They looked too alike for him to be anything else. Although Lan Qiren supposed Wei Wuxian wasn’t quite as soft in his features.

The thought gave Lan Qiren pause. Any accusations of Cangse Sanren cheating on her husband, and that with a Sect Leader, were frankly speaking ridiculous. As chaotic as her behavior had been, Cangse Sanren’s morals had been upstanding and she’d loathed sect politics enough to avoid getting involved in them. Her boy looked nearly exactly like his father and her faithfulness should be judged by that.

But, sitting side by side with Jiang Wanyin, Lan Qiren thought he could almost make out some similarities. While Wei Wuxian was nearly lying on his desk instead of sitting as upright as his brother, refusing to fix his posture even after a dozen reminders, they both had similarly thoughtful expressions. The shape of their eyes too wasn’t dissimilar, something about the eyebrows maybe. They completed each other’s mannerisms in a way that, if entirely twisted, reminded him of his own nephews.

But that couldn’t be because Wei Wuxian couldn’t more obviously be his father’s child—

Once more, Lan Qiren had to halt his thoughts. There was a Nie disciple sharing a room with Nie Huaisang, who had handed a missive from their Sect Leader to their doctors. It wasn’t Lan Qiren’s business how the Nie Sect conducted itself, and he hadn’t found any flaw with the disciple. Unlike Nie Huaisang, who, admittedly, managed to enrage Lan Qiren in a way wholly different from Wei Wuxian and taken much more personally. If the boy would just apply himself to his studies as much as his little schemes—

Regardless, that missive had also passed through Lan Qiren’s hands and he’d been assured nothing untoward would happen between Nie Huaisang and said disciple. They were an excellent student, with the same kind of soft features and posture reminiscent of Wei Changze.

Wei Wuxian frowned at the paper and glanced at his brother – there, wasn’t that inquiring look quite similar to Jiang Fengmian?

Perhaps, they’d been looking in the wrong direction. Wei Wuxian resembled his mother in his behavior, likely even encouraged by Jiang Fengmian’s indulgence, but there weren’t too many physical similarities. If not for the way he pitched his voice and grated on Lan Qiren’s nerves, he wouldn’t seem like someone of Baoshan Sanren’s lineage. Certainly, had the boy been brought up Lan, a thought terrifying enough to make Lan Qiren more thankful for the members his sect actually had, he wouldn’t even be recognizable as Cangse Sanren’s son.

It were actions that spoke the loudest, peculiar acts—

Lan Qiren watched Jiang Wanyin glance at Wei Wuxian, his brother. Their relationship wasn’t just that of martial siblings.

Maybe Wei Changze had wanted a child, his own child, and what was his former sect known for if not their motto? He’d been so dear to his Sect Leader, if Wei Changze and his wife had asked for a favor, Jiang Fengmian would have obliged.

And how could Cangse Sanren deny the husband she loved so much and the opportunity to make a fool out of everyone else!

There was no missive like the one of the Nie Sect delivered to Lan Qiren’s desk, but a woman determined to pull the wool over their eyes! Most certainly to protect her husband’s reputation in part, which Lan Qiren couldn’t fault her for, but she had kept up the ruse obviously for her own entertainment as well!

That intrepid and audacious woman! To play a trick like that! Absolutely shameless! And then she didn’t even have the decency to stay alive and continue the ruse! Instead, Lan Qiren had to deal with disciples incapable of using their eyes and shutting their mouths and Jiang disciples getting into entirely unnecessary fights to defend the honor of their sect!

Wherever she was, that Cangse Sanren must be laughing at Lan Qiren’s troubles, entirely too pleased with herself and the chaos she caused.

Faking a pregnancy, Lan Qiren was tempted to ban the verbatim in their code of conduct. How outrageous a person must be to even consider such!

And Wei Wuxian didn’t even manage to override his mother’s influences with Jiang Fengmian’s more pleasant attitude.

It was a shame.

#mdzs #lan qiren #wei wuxian #cangse sanren #wei changze #jiang fengmian #mdzs fanfic #fanfic

[drbased]

The difference between me when I was spiritual vs me now is like night and day. Spiritual beliefs kept me a scared, perpetual child. And now when I interact with the people who still have those same beliefs I see them as not just a scared, perpetual child, but also incredibly insecure. It’s like being a vegetarian around meat eaters - you just existing as an atheist in their vicinity will have them say things out of the blue like ‘I’m not in the preaching business but’ and then they go on to list some coincidence that happened in their life recently. And I’m there thinking, why are you telling me this? I literally don’t believe what you believe. I know it’s important to you, but if these experiences *are* so special and important and personal to you, isn’t that enough to simply feel them in your heart? Isn’t that what belief is literally about - your own personal relationship with the universe? Why are you telling me all this as if you’re clearly not trying to persuade me of something? Aren't you just kinda rubbing it in when you assert that you take such comfort in, say, there being an afterlife when I don't necessarily believe in one?

But, of course, it would be a social faux pas for me to say what I actually think - and, besides, I’m actually *not* in the business of converting people - so I just play along and nod. Because these things clearly give them some comfort, and I’m not about to interfere with that. Besides, part of me still feels like that inside - I was raised that way, after all.

It's been rather weird for me because I don't think I've ever explictly said out loud to these people that I don't believe in that stuff anymore - I've just sort of, not indulged them further than that smile and nod. I don't know how they figured it out, maybe I've looked really awkward or something. But I can't help but notice that even though I used to literally believe what they believe, they start with the square one arguments, as if that's gonna somehow convince me. One of those square one arguments is literally 'it gives me comfort' (as if that's a legitimate argument for proving anything!!).

And, you know, when the same person is really upset at some recent bad luck and thinks that it’s a ‘sign from the universe’ that they’re not Allowed to have some certain basic joy (such as - and this a real example - a fucking birthday party), you start to wonder just how much comfort they really get from all this. That comfort clearly comes from a deeply insecure place. You realise that people who believe things need *you* to believe it too - in fact, it’s a necessary component of belief that everyone else has to either believe it, or they’re just in denial. Simply knowing that there is someone else who doesn’t believe is enough to shatter the illusion. Not to be all edgelord here, but it's all very Santa Clause-esque.

Faith and belief are fundamentally insecure, and I'm tired of having to be the adult whenever I engage with someone with these beliefs. Especially when I know how much I benefitted in other, larger ways, from dropping these beliefs and taking full responsibility for my own actions. I mean, I guess that's an argument for 'comfort' from my end, too, but just to reassure you, I'm not in the preaching business 🙂

#my writing

[balanceoflightanddark]

With my hands I fight for Lord Zuko and our forefathers before him

One of the most popular routes for an Azula redemption arc is for her to be an ally of Zuko. Whether to be an advisor or some kind of high-ranking official that handles the dirty business of running the Fire Nation while Zuko handles the more public stuff like handling reformations and rebuilding the Earth Kingdom that was devastated during the war. I can certainly understand how this can work since Azula is given a say in the future of the Fire Nation and is allowed to serve its best interests in a post-war setting.

There's just one problem: often Azula is made to be subservient to Zuko. That now that she's serving him, she's a good guy now that Zuko acts as a sort of morality leash that keeps her from going too far.

This...doesn't actually solve her problems.

Part of her issues in canon stems from her blind loyalty and faith to the only person who ever showed her some form of kindness: Ozai. Something that meant she didn't dare question any of his actions and poisoned her relationship with Zuko. And inevitably (and tragically), that something that led to her downfall since her loyalty meant she couldn't be swayed by series end.

Having her swear fealty to Zuko, the new Fire Lord, is not solving the problem. She's just exchanging one master for another. None of the issues which caused her breakdown are not addressed. It's that blind loyalty aspect except for another leader. Considering that part of the reason for the Fire Nation's indoctrination is swearing absolute loyalty to the Fire Lord as seen in their anthem:

"My life I give to my country. With my hands I fight for Lord Ozai and our forefathers before him. With my mind I seek ways to better my country. And with my feet may our March of Civilization continue."

...could you imagine how it would look when one of the Fire Nation's old guard falls into this mindset with Zuko? That's not reformation. That's just placing a new and better ruler in charge without fixing anything.

Not to mention how...pretty damn sexist this whole thing is that Azula being good equals submitting to the authority of her brother on the basis that she should've known better than to defy him being the eldest song. Forgive for asking, but doesn't that seem problematic to the umpteenth degree. Especially since in canon Zuko was a pretty crappy brother? I'm sorry, but Azula redeeming herself by putting her brother's needs before hers is incredibly offensive for those that actually do sympathize and see her plight.

Can Azula being an ally of Zuko work? Absolutely. But these potholes are something that a lot of writers (including Bryke and Yang) keep falling into without realizing the implications behind them. If Azula is to be properly redeemed and for this storyline to work, she needs to come to this position of her own volition. No strings attached. No conditions. It needs to be her decision and her decision alone.

Azula's ultimate tragedy is that she never had much free will. Taking that away from her to serve someone else's will is not the way. Give her choice though, the choice to forge her own path, and now she's in a position to truly heal herself.

#azula #princess azula #azula meta #atla critical #atla meta #fire nation meta #azula deserved better

[dinogoose]

Buck’s Girl

buddie fic | 1k words

Smoke fills the room causing both of them to cough. Buck sends a scared look Eddie’s way but the other man just shakes his head as if saying, ‘they’re going to find us.’

The 118 was called to assist in a fire at an office building. They had just cleared their level, when the floor gave out from under them. Buck and Eddie both fell, injuring themselves, and chipping their oxygen masks. Things were bleak to say the least. However both of these men had complete faith in their team. So, they waited.

Unfortunately Buck hates silences, which causes him to blurt out, “I have something to tell you.” Eddie looks over at him. His face is covered in grime, sweat, and ash. Buck has never seen anything more beautiful.

“We are not dying. Do not do the final words thing, please.” Eddie rasps out.

“No- that’s not what this is- I-“ Buck takes as deep of a breath as he can in this situation and continues. “I know we aren’t dying. I just know life is unpredictable. So, please let me tell you something.”

Eddie gives Buck a soft look, “Alright. Tell me something.”

Despite Buck opening this can of worms completely on his own, he was still nervous.

“I love you.” Buck feels immensely lighter after confessing this. He gazes at Eddie, who is smiling. That’s a good reaction, Buck thinks.

“I love you too.” It was that easy. That simple.

Before either of them can say anything else, Bobby breaks his way into the room they were trapped in, Ravi and Chim close behind. Buck stands then turns back offering a hand to Eddie. He takes it.

-

Day by day it was getting more and more difficult to conceal their relationship. Being in the honeymoon phase, and also just being Buck and Eddie, they wouldn’t stop touching each other. This alone earned them pointed looks from their friends and family.

Of course they wanted to tell their family. It was inevitable, this was forever. They were something that was going to last until death do them part, and even after that, but they just hadn’t gotten around to telling anyone.

However Buck and Eddie never even get the chance.

On a beautiful, dumb day, everyone is strewn across the loft, waiting for a call. The day hasn’t been very busy, just a few calls here and there. So, that gives the 118 downtime, and with downtime comes absurd conversations

-

“I just don’t get why it’s called ‘Jessie’s Girl’ she has a name, why would he call her that? Like Jessie owns her.” Buck says, Chim scoffs from his seat.

“It’s romantic to be someone’s girl. You don’t ‘own them’ you just are taking pride in your relationship. You’re my friend, you’re my girlfriend, you’re my girl.” Chimney looks around the table, seeing other people nodding in agreement. Buck still doesn’t get it.

“I’m with Chim. I call Karen my girl, and she loves it, says it makes her feel special.” Chimney smirks, pleased he’s winning this argument.

“See! You just wouldn’t get it Buck. You don’t have ‘a girl’.” He says around air quotes. Buck barely misses a beat before saying,

“Eddie’s my girl.” Every single person in the fire station turns to look at him.

“Eddie is your- what?” Chimney asks, completely bewildered.

On one of the couches, Eddie is actively trying to suffocate himself with a couch cushion. Out of all the ways their family found out, it had to be this stupid huh?

“Does ‘your girl’ have anything to say about this?” Hen sounds so amused, nearing delighted. She’s staring at Eddie and he’s trying to sink further into the couch.

“I have no idea what any of you are talking about, I’m reading my book.” Eddie holds up a book - that isn’t his - shaking it at her. She laughs at him.

“Books upside down Eddie.” It is, he flips it. Chimney cackles, and even Bobby snorts. Buck hasn’t said anything else else, Eddie won’t even look at him.

Honestly the way both of them reacted gave it away. They probably could’ve saved face if Buck laughed after, or made it into a joke. Instead of seriously declaring Eddie his girl.

“Fine. Buck come here.” The man gets up from his spot at the table, scuffing over to Eddie, like a child being scolded. He plops down on the couch next to him.

“I’m sorry Eds! I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out.” Eddie gives him an unimpressed look, however the slight tilt to his mouth gives him away.

“Really? Calling me your girl just slipped out?” Hen and Chim both laugh at this, Eddie chooses to ignore them. Buck grins at him.

“Yes, you’re my girl, my lady, my woman,”

“I’m going to choke you.” Eddie interrupts. Buck continues.

“My damsel in distress.”

“I’m going to put you in distress.”

A loud cough grabs their attention, Bobby, Hen and Chim are all standing next to one another, staring at them. Bobby is unimpressed, Hen is thrilled, and Chimney is irritated.

“How long has this been going on?” Bobby questions. Buck and Eddie share a fond look.

“Two months.” Buck answers, not taking his eyes off Eddie.

The wheels are turning in Hen’s head when she suddenly exclaims “Ah-ha! I knew something had happened!” Chimney looks confused but then it clicks for him too.

“The fire? The one where we couldn’t get to you two? If I had known all it would’ve taken was a little faulty wire, I would’ve rigged one ages ago!” Chim yells, annoyed. Hen just doubles over with laugher.

“Good for you boys.” Hen tells them, and they can tell she’s being sincere.

Buck and Eddie may have not planned for it to come out like this, thanks Buck, but they both knew their family would be happy for them.

Ravi, who was doing his best to stay out of this, quietly mumbles, “I wish that I had Buck’s girl.” This sends the 118 into a hysterical laughing fit.

(this is for all the people who liked the wip. i hope it lived up to expectations. yes it’s stupid. i stand by it.)

#buddie #buddie fic #911 show #911 fox #911 fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 fanfic #fanfic #fic #ramblings #I wish that I had Buck’s girl