#most alters are internal only tbh

[faggling]

sobbing

#its kinda dumb #but im so angry and heartbroken that katie got rid of all our LPS's #i always have been ig #she did it with a lot of shit that our smaller parts miss really bad #we used to wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety that she had gotten rid of something else we loved and then we'd go check #god i hate her #what the actual fuck #i also used to dread when winter would be over because i knew there would be a mandatory day i had to go through everything #and i wasnt allowed to Not #she's so fucking mean #just. that's a fucking child man #let them have their fucking things #im also angry because i can't replace these things to try and make us feel better or whatever #that's stuff that's just gone and not being produced anymore #im so sad #genuinely someone just was like. I want to die so theres some intense feelings in the brainspace rn #fascinating what stuff really hurts #i'm glad it's not everything anymore #but you'd assume the big stuff would still cause the most distress #granted there is some big stuff that is still heavily dissociated from anyone who fronts #most alters are internal only tbh #or emergency only #i've made a lot of progress but i think ive just realized that there's still a lot to go #and it's probably a lot of stuff that im embarrassed to call trauma #it's easier to call rape trauma than psychological/emotional abuse #even the more covert sex abuse is easier for me to accept

[lupuslikethewolf]

marauders!au where the war never happened and they all got to go on and live happy lives :) its set years later, when Harry, Ron, Neville, Luna and Hermione are going into their first year.

I haven’t come up with an actual plot yet :/ but this is the setting, and they are all around their early-to-mid-thirties at this point. it's likely just domestic fluff and slice-of-life type shit, with Harry still getting into impossible amounts of fuckery whilst stressing at least 10 different adults (as he should tbh)

i can't decide whether this is set in the 90s or in the modern!era so i left it ambiguous

Barty Crouch Jr, now Professor Barty (just Barty, Crouch is my father), teaches DADA and his fiancé, Evan Rosier, is a Magizoologist who travels during the school year, comes back home for the holidays and weekends to spend with Barty, either on Hogwarts grounds or at their own home. Barty has a close friendship with McGonagall, who is Headmistress, and Poppy (who are married, but no one figured it out).

Dorcas and Marlene play International-Level Quidditch: Dorcas for England, and Marlene for Wales or Ireland (undecided). Everyone thinks they hate each other from the way they treat each other during games. They played for the Holyhead Harpies until they got recruited, and their wedding was basically the biggest, most dramatic and over-the-top graduation party Hogwarts had ever seen, hosted in the Potter Manor. everyone was hungover for days afterwards

Lily and Snape are best-friends-turned-rivals, who achieved a Mastery in Potions at the same time, and are both the youngest people to ever do so. Sev specialises in theoretical potions, and Lily specialises in experimental work, altering old potions and creating new ones. She commandeered the entire basement for her own potions lab, and Remus helps her research in his spare time.

Pandora started publishing with Xenophillius (the definition of gender-fuckery; no-one knows how they identify, not even Xeno), and they publish the most outlandish work they can, alongside Pandora’s books!! They also run Xeno's Quibbler and a couple other independent newspapers. They live out in the countryside w/ Luna. Barty & Evan are their only walking-distance neighbours, but they floo to their friends houses semi-regularly

MaryLily and StarChaser are co-parenting Harry, and being godparents/family friends of Draco, Blaise Zabini, Ron, Neville and Luna. When Harry is at pre-school, he makes friends with Hermione, and the four of them introduce Dr and Dr Granger to the magical world over the years, instead of the two month crash-course Hogwarts gives

Mary is an artist, and since she was raised half-blood, absolutely adores the technique and process of muggle painting, later enchanting it to move and learn and talk. She doesn't own anything that isn't stained with paint, bleach or hair dye. She is famous for her work, in Magical and Muggle circles, but is almost completely anonymous, and they only know what she looks like because of a group portrait she painted

Regulus is an independent researcher of old Pagan traditions and 'Muggle' magic, how different solstices and days (like All Hallows Eve) affect the Magical community, etc. He visits Barty at Hogwarts with Harry every few weeks, and later with Hermione as well, so they grew up learning about the secrets at Hogwarts, in the library, and with the teachers. Also friendly house rivalry, and the adults completely split on which houses they will go into at Hogwarts. Evan started a betting pool.

James and Sirius are the wizarding private investigators. They work everywhere, for everyone (no matter what. they don't need to charge more than what people can afford), and love it. James absolutely adores the 'Sherlock Holmes' vibes, but they are both Sherlock Holmes b/c they are simply too baddass not to be!

Remus opened a bookstore-cafe, and him and Sirius live in the flat above it. It’s really popular and became the place for students and young queer people. The bookstore stocks everything from really popular and really unknown books and authors of every genre. The regulars also notice all these really famous but really mysterious friends of Remus who come-and-go (artist!mary, author!pandora, athletes!dorlene, etc). And then, of course, is the “private” investigator boyfriend, who couldn’t be less subtle at anything if he tried.

Alice is still an Auror, and the Best of the Best, but she is so fucking fed up of the politics, DMLE, and Ministry in general. She is starting a revolution/reformation from the inside- and if that doesn’t work, quit her job and do the same thing from the outside! Frank ended up in law and becoming a Lawyer, and is glad he did, because it might be the only thing that will keep his partner out of jail if she decides to commit treason. They love Neville to bits, and would do anything for him!! They built a whole-ass greenhouse when he discovered his talent.

Peter Pettigrew works part-time with Remus at his place, but is currently training with Gringotts/other cursebreakers to become a professional cursebreaker! it is taking a long ass time with a lot of testing and work to put in, but Peter finds it interesting and it meant that he always has more stories to tell the kids when he sees them, which is a bonus because children are hard to entertain.

#i just want to imagine them happy and less traumatised and living past their twenties okay #they deserve that much #im far too emotionally attached to them #marauders fandom #marauders era #the marauders era #dead gay wizards #dead gay wizards from the 70s #rosekiller #evan x barty #barty x evan #marylily #mary x lily #lily x mary #dorlene #dorcas x marlene #marlene x dorcas #pandora x xenophilius #starchaster #jegulus #james x regulus #regulus x james #wolfstar #sirius x remus #remus x sirius #fralice #frank x alice #alice x frank #slytherin skittles

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

#asks and answers #personal #there's a lot more resources now for DID than their used to be #but there's also a lot more self-exploitation for likes and clout #just admitting you're worried something dissociative might be going on #is very brave and you're already on the path to healing anon #even though it doesn't feel like it yet

[thesupreme316]

Any wrestler with face paint, painting the reader face like their for a match like Darby Allin and his skull face paint?

SORRY FOR THEE DELAYYY

Pairing(s): Darby Allin x Fem!Reader, Jeff Hardy x Fem!Reader, Finn Balor x Fem!Reader, Tama Tonga x Fem!Reader, Ricky Starks x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 817

Supreme Speaks: i had fun writing this cause jeffery is back and my heart is full (i hope he is healthy and everything is going great in his life). thank you to @hookerforhook for being so patient and allowing me to write your request. Also I hope everyone is doing well and please remember that you are loved and appreciated.

Warnings: slightly proofread, gifs are not mine, i repeat gifs ARE NOT MINE

Taglist (if you wanna be a part of it, lemme know):  @hookerforhook  @hooks-martin @sheinthatfandom @wwenhlimagines @triscillal

Jeff Hardy: (MY FIRST WRESTLING CRUSH AND FELLOW CAROLINIAN)

IS VERY EXCITED TO HELP YOU

Typically with him, he would allow you to pick out the colors

“I like those colors too darling” (I will always love this man)

Will dedicate some looks to you and your favorite color

When you said you wanted to start painting your face, Jeff immediately bought the supplies and gave you tips

“Okay this brand is the best with brushes, but if you want to use your fingers use this brand” (again I love this man)

Will coordinate looks with you

As you do your first look, he will look at you with love and admiration (he feels honored that you wanted to start wearing faceprint)

Believes that faceprint shouldn’t have structure, just do what you want aka abstract

Jeff will ensure that your faceprint looks good, even if you don’t think so

Will only fix it up if you want him to, not a second before

“Of course sweetheart, I’ll help you” (I can just hear that beautiful country accent in my head)

Will post your face paints on his instagram/twitter

Darby Allin:

This man would be excited internally, but would not allow you to see it

On the outside: Oh cool, yeah I’ll help you

On the inside: WE ARE SO GETTING MARRIED

Will show you how to achieve the iconic look

After failing a couple of times, you just asked Darby to paint your face

I CAN TELL THAT THIS MAN WOULD BE SO GENTLE WITH YOUR FACE (pause)

Like you wouldn’t even feel his fingertips that’s how gentle he is (again pause)

Darby would talk you through what he’s doing 

“Okay I’m going to apply the stitches around your mouth…stop moving…no you’re not ticklish, you’re just childish”

I feel like for him he would use brushes especially around your ear

Will give you the proper tools to take off the remaining faceprint, even though most of it will be in the ring after your match

Darby would be the one to take aesthetic photos with you

And would constantly reference your face paint as his “most perfect look ever”

Finn Balor:

THIS MAN WOULD BE HELLA EXCITED

Definitely would ask you to do something comic book inspired

Venom, Spiderman, Carnage, Spawn, etc.

“DO GWEN STACY”

“WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!”

Would giggle as he puts on your face and bodypaint on (or as the makeup artist does)

Like Jeff, he would definitely give you recommendations for brands of paints

Has many makeup wipes on standby incase you don’t like any of the looks

Definitely would do a throwback look to his Demon era

Tbh, I think Finn would also give you the arm decorations that he uses as well

Expects you to have an alter ego as well

Wants to do a couple look if you guys can or in a match

Everyone lost their shit when you and Finn stood across the ring from Edge and Beth Phoenix 

Tama Tonga:

Although he doesn’t do faceprint anymore, I had to include my husband

He kept his face paint simple tbh

When you asked for inspiration or advice he simply said

“Do what your heart desires”

“Who are you? Bob Ross?”

“A Tongan Bob Ross….yes”

Would definitely do his past face paints on you

Doesn’t want you to talk as it breaks his concentration and makes him giggle

Tama would definitely reminiscence with his brother about the days they use to put on the faceprint

He would bring back his face paint just to match with you for one match/night

Everyone would lose their shit on twitter and take it as a sign of the old G.O.D coming back

“Nah I’m just supporting my girl”

Bonus** Ricky Starks: (cause of that one time he painted his face to mimic Darby)*

THIS MAN WOULD BE CACKLING

Long story short, you wanted to poke fun at your opponent who wears faceprint (Abadon, Rosemary)

This man would grab the nearest makeup artist and ask them to do an “inspired” look

“I don’t know you would make this look good…it looks like they got dressed in the dark”

Would post progress photos to his story

Gives you tips on how to mock your opponent

When your look was finished, man STRAIGHT UP CACKLED

“I’m surprised that you actually look very cute yet scary”

Would definitely pinch your cheeks to tease you

But then gets upset that the paint ended up on his fingers

….would definitely take credit for the work….

#aew #all elite wrestling #aew imagine #njpw #njpw imagine #wwe #wwe imagine #tama tonga #tama tonga imagine #ricky starks #ricky starks imagine #finn balor #finn balor imagine #darby allin #darby allin imagine #jeff hardy #jeff hardy imagine

[sapphorror]

Now that you have read the ZimVoid arc, what are your toughts on Zib and Za2r (Zib❤Zim2[2im{twoim}])?

I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!! alright, maybe I was definitely going to say this all anyway, but now I have a decent excuse to braindump it all at once instead of trying to write, I don't know, coherent analysis.

Yeah, I'm obsessed with this guy. I'm still only just starting to build a proper 3D model of him in my head, so don't take anything I rave about here too seriously, but my god is Zib something else. Also, really cute. No one told me he'd be cute and I wasn't at all equipped to deal with what I got. I was operating under the assumption he was going to be at least a LITTLE cool, but this is the most pathetic wet meow meow of a character I have ever seen, and that is no small statement.

(Also also, is it just me, or does the way Zib's drawn remind anyone else of rubber hose animation like, moreso than the comics artstyle generally does? I can't quite pin down what's making it feel that way, but I like it. Gives him Vibes™, y'know?)

Anyway. Fusions like Zib are always going to be fun, just for what they imply about their component characters and the game of trying to identify what characteristics come from where. And Zib is especially fun for this because Zim and Dib are such similar people to begin with. It honestly doesn't surprise me that the Zimfluence went initially unnoticed by our Dib, not just because he's more prone to cognitive bias than he likes to believe, but because there are so many overlapping traits between these two guys that Zib wasn't so much altered by the fusion as he was exacerbated. They blend seamlessly to the point it's really hard to pick out where one ends and the other begins, and in a different kind of story, Dib might actually be forced to reflect on what that implies about him and his motivations. As is, he's just going to keep fooling himself, though.

Probably the most obvious dichotomy between them, at least where it applies to Zib, is motive, and that definitely brings up some interesting questions. When he chooses to take over the Earth, is that the Zim side disguised by Dib-passing justifications, or does it say a whole lot more about Dib's actual loyalty to the Earth against his loyalty to opposing Zim than anyone would really like it to? How about the total lack of internal conflict when it comes to decimating the Armada and wrecking the Irken Empire? What does that say about Zim's ultimate loyalties?

Granted, I am at this point pretty certain Zib didn't just put on the PAK and call it a day, I think he took precautionary measures to ensure that the Dib half remained the 'dominant' personality, given that in 10 Minutes to Doom we see him completely subsumed by Zim's coding, so this isn't a perfect equal split. But it is still a split—Zib clearly did not have the foresight to account for everything, if he even wanted to—and the fact he prepared himself for this is itself interesting, because it means the decision was premeditated, not done on a whim during some momentary mental break. This might even be why he's half-Irken; instead of the PAK altering his biology, maybe Zib altered his biology so it could survive the long-term integration of the PAK. And isn't it just insane to imagine any version of Dib willingly body-horroring himself like that, stripping away his own humanity? When he accused our Dib of being just another ignorant human, could that maybe be a sign that he didn't want to have anything in common with those people anymore?

None of this is what really gets me about Zib, though. This is.

Admittedly, I'm sort of predisposed here, because I have this whole Thing about Dib's unfaltering belief he can somehow prove himself to humanity, despite all evidence to the contrary, being in essence identical to Zim's delusion that he's already adored by all... that's it's whole own post, tbh, but my point is Dib's ostracization wouldn't be solved by exposing Zim, and it's fun to see that explicitly confirmed.

But it's also more specific than that. Because what Zib was forced to realize here is that he destroyed the only person capable of actually caring about him. And that's why the Zimvoid is the Zimvoid, isn't it? Zib could've used those portals to escape anywhere or lure in anything, but instead he does this. Part of that's the obsessive need to succeed where he'd previously failed and decimate the Armada (+ repeatedly 'defeat' Zim because he's still too emotionally stunted to understand that's not actually what he needs), and I think all of that is important, but there's also something to be said about how deeply driven Dib is by the desire for external validation, and here he went and fused himself with the one person in the universe who might be even more love-hungry than he is. Zib's not afraid of being alone simply because he dislikes isolation—I mean, even within the Zimvoid, he still physically and ESPECIALLY emotionally isolates himself from the other Zims. Being the only person left in his reality means there's no one to admire his greatness, and given who he's a combination of, of course that's his worst nightmare. And ridiculous as it may be, he understands that Zim is the only person who's ever given him that kind of attention. So why not make a whole planet of them? Why not trick them into idolizing him? I mean, who else could even matter besides Zim?

Also? This one's sort of auxiliary to the last point, but there is something deeply, deeply sexy and thematically chewy in Dib wanting/needing Zim so badly that he quite literally became him, and that not being enough. I mean, what is the Zimvoid but a huge collector's display? And it's exactly this that makes him the architect of his own ultimate tragedy. I have a thing for characters who damn themselves not through any single choice, but by passing up a million little opportunities to save themselves, totally confident in their decisions right up til the moment it actually is too late. He could've used those portals to escape to another timeline. He could've designed the Zimvoid as anything other than a ticking timebomb of lies, conflict, and an ever inflating population of lunatics. He could've given up on his destructive plans and just enjoyed the huge fucked up harem he built for himself. He could've quit while he was ahead.

And the really funny thing is, even after the collapse of the Zimvoid, his total isolation is still a consequence of his own actions. I mean, the Zim from his own timeline literally cannot be taken away from him through any method short of murder. He's still right there. But by winning, by possessing his Zim to the point of consumption, Zib defeated the entire purpose of having Zim in the first place. They'll never be separated, and that's exactly the reason why he'll always be alone.

As for ZA2R... hm. I'm not sure if I have much to say about them just yet, but suffice to say I am Deeply Compelled. I'm always weak for that (false) god x worshipper dynamic. It's about someone as lonely and broken and closed off as Zib finding out the hard way that they're still capable of genuine love, no matter how bad they are at it, and there's something very special in every Zim's desire to be someone's favorite being so specifically exploited. I mean, the dynamic of highest subordinate is essentially identical to the one Zim likes to imagine he has with the Tallest, only actually real. Dishonest and exploitative, to be sure, but still real. And hey, important question, but what about #2's personal Dib and the fact Zib is always going to be implicitly competing against the person actually cosmically destined for his partner, because he fucked his own cosmic destiny up so badly? Or the inevitable spectacle of Dib's semi-latent yandere tendencies being brought to bear against himself?

Also! Shameless Homestuck chatter, but I take so much joy in pale ZADR dynamics (black diamond romance my beloved), and the fun thing about ZA2R is that their default pacifier/pacified dynamic swaps. In, uh, normal person terms, they've managed to contrive themselves a situation in which Zim is actually the comparatively sane/stable one, keyword comparatively, and being worked to death about it. There's nothing I love more than a justified role reversal, y'know?

THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT FOR NOW but like I've been thinking about these guys nonstop for 24 hours already, I WILL be losing my mind about them again. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it's gonna happen.

#invader zim #zib #za2r #zadr #zadp #za2p #meta #my meta #saph reads #iz posting #asks

[kafus]

if you’re still doing the DID ask game! 🌺 (describe one part of your inner world) and/or 🌍 (can you change your inner world and access it freely?)

one of my friends IRL has DID and she’s described her inner world to me some, it sounds super interesting! i don’t have DID but have a super vivid imagination/inner world type of thing going on, which i think for me is part of my being autistic, and i related a lot to your post about having a visualized self rather than perceiving “you” as your physical body, if that makes sense lol. (it was the one about the kaf music video where she’s walking through an empty city/port)

all this to say, thanks for sharing info about DID and talking about your experiences! ^^

oh my god i totally meant to answer this and forgot and only remembered just now. ironically my memory issues caused by DID made me forget a question about DID in my inbox

somewhat amusingly while my visualization of my internal world can be pretty vivid, despite being considered complex/polyfrag (i still don’t know what term i prefer for myself, i don’t talk about it often) most of my complexity is in my splitting patterns and “layering” of alters. but the actual LOCATIONS those layers are in? not super detailed or huge tbh. so i don’t have a ton to say here. BUT

our “fronting room” for lack of a better word, where alters are while fronting, is actually a bedroom, and like specifically a really over the top pink, princess-y looking bedroom that 8 year old girls could only dream of. i honestly have no idea why it is that way, none of us have ever been particularly feminine in that way even as children, it just has been for as long as its been here and now i’m so used to it i kinda don’t care to attempt to manually change it. it has a massive comfy bed with numerous pillows and a canopy, literally what more could i want as someone who is fronting a lot of the time dbjdjdkd

we are capable of changing our innerworld within some limits? there will probably come a day where we have more control over different locations but i currently don’t have a ton. as for free access though, the fronting room is easily accessible to anyone, like while fronting i can tune my attention to the bedroom and interact with it at pretty much any time. but some parts i cannot access as host and some are fuzzy or i can only access at certain times

tldr it’s complicated lol

btw ur innerworld is totally valid, i think there’s a good chunk of DID experiences that are like, experiences non-DID folk can have but adjusted to the left yknow. if it helps you or is a natural part of ur brain then go for it

#kiki was here #asks #earthenoid #did ask game

[circulars-reasoning]

In-Sys Relationships: Ideas

Hello all! Circular here! I want to do a much larger post about in-sys relationships and how they're beneficial, but I thought I could share today a comment I posted on Reddit recently.

Someone asked for sources on in-sys dating. I decided to dig into it (which I'm paying for now, RIP my free time) and find some really nice sources! Sadly, there really don't appear to be solid studies on the benefits - unless we count the sheer amount of systems who have expressed how beneficial dating in-system has been for them.

I ended up finding three good sources, however, that related to in-sys dating in my eyes. I wanted to go into them here!

Long post under the cut :) Most of this will simply be copy-pasted from the reddit post, tbh!

Disorganized Attachment, Development of Dissociated Self States, and a Relational Approach to Treatment

This one discusses the close connection between disorganized attachments in childhood and the development of dissociative disorders, and further posits that a therapy model involving a relationship approach might be the best method for helping dissociative disorders. "The therapist can serve as a relational bridge between dissociated self states*, allowing the patient to internalize a working model of the therapeutic relationship." (*Wherein "self states" stands for, in this case, alters). I really like this source, as it discusses the idea that "Attachment, trauma and dissociation are all related issues in the treatment of survivors of neglect, double-bind relationships, and abuse." It clearly explains how disorganized attachment leads to dissociation, and further, alter splits. Where this begins to apply to in-sys relationships is where it begins to discuss the integration of self-states. The goal in therapy is to integrate alters, which means a lowering of dissociative barriers. "Dissociated self states incorporate incompatible internal working models, which are based on desperate, opposing attempts to protect the self from attack or abandonment... the patient cannot focus on the discrepancy between internal working models, and a cognitive interpretation will likely fall on deaf ears." Essentially, if you push for the more logical cognitive integration with a patient, it can lead to more dissociative barriers raising due to the patient being pushed into a corner. In-sys relationships would, therefore, result form those dissociated self states having compatible internal working models. Alters, finding a balance, and in turn, becoming closer together. This would likely happen after dissociative barriers were lower, and as a way to integrate personality states. Finding love for ones self when clearing away those cognitive barriers.

Dissociation, shame, complex PTSD, child maltreatment and intimate relationship self-concept in dissociative disorder, chronic PTSD and mixed psychiatric groups

Not gonna quote this one as much, don't worry. It discusses guilt and shame in disorders, and remarks how guilt/shame complexes are MUCH more prominent in dissociative disorders than in trauma/stress disorders. It describes how "dissociation is both an intrapsychic (way of relating to self) and interpersonal (way of relating to others)." AKA, the self-states we see in DID are not only there to isolate parts to handle trauma, but a way to isolate parts of oneself to relate to yourself; with disorganized attachment, it becomes more likely for dissociation to fragment the self into pieces who need to learn how to relate to each other in order to heal. (And well. Learn to relate to each other, most people find love or at least found-family in those they live with forever and compromise with). Dissociation is correlated strongly with a fear of relationships, so this study sought to see just HOW strongly the symptoms affected those with relationship issues. Unsurprisingly, dissociative disorders showed the most shame/guilt activation, more severe relationship anxiety, and issues with relationship intimacy. While this doesn't discuss the benefits of in-system relationships, I think it really explains strongly WHY they happen. Those with dissociative disorders struggle more than even other traumatized peers with relationships and being with others. Therefore, I don't think it's too shocking that a group of traumatized individuals who experience multiple self-states (personified in their heads vividly, with distinct personalities and traits, and seemingly stuck with these alters forever) to turn inward in their search for acceptance.

Stories of Survivors With Dissociative Identity Disorder: A Qualitative Investigation of Symptoms, Traumatic Experiences, and Relationships

Last official research, though I will say that this "study" is closer to observations from systems and researchers alike. This study calls into question the fact that most research on DID comes from patients who are currently hospitalized and/or in crisis, which is not representative of the full population of pwDID. "The purpose of this study was to obtain descriptive perspectives of survivors with DID, who are not currently hospitalized, and examine their relational experiences through the lens of a DID diagnosis (i.e., relationship to self and others)." The study goes on to explain what the participants expressed via their data gathering, including some very valuable data on symptom onsets, awareness of the disorder, abuse histories - it's really interesting! It explains a lot about the symptoms I commonly see discussed online, like over-sexuality (common in CSA victims) and Identity Discrepancies (Hello, all those LGBT+ alters). I include this one because, as noted here, alters are all part of one traumatized self. We often look at DID as a debilitating disorder due to that trauma, but those interviewed here were just normal (yes, traumatized, but not debilitated) systems. They remark on experiences with society's expectations for them, how misinformation has hurt them. With the isolation systems face daily, both due to their trauma and due to the way society looks at DID already, it's no wonder systems turn inward for comfort and love.

I only had about 2 hours to really dig into these, so I'm certain that I missed parts or could've found better sources along the way. I really hope there is more research into this. I've heard countless systems discuss how healthy it is, how therapists encouraged it due to the "love of the traumatized self" - and that disorganized attachment article really hones into the idea of loving the traumatized self. I think all three articles in conjunction really shows how much of a need there is for self-love in DID.

#In-Sys Relationships #In-Sys Dating #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #osddid #system #system positivity

[spacestationstorybook]

Light Em Up, The Mighty Fall, and Rat a Tat with Rainbow Dash!!! 🖤

HI TYYYY <3 i love. Her

2: "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)" - What’s one item that your f/o and/or you/your s/i has that has a lot of sentimental value? Now, what would be both of your reactions if it was destroyed/ruined? hm i think for both of them it would be items from their childhood...dash isn't huge on the concept of physical stuff. which isn't to say she doesn't Have a lot of stuff but most of it's just junk she hasn't gotten around to getting rid of yet. i think the first trophy she ever won would have significant sentimental value for her though. it reminds her of how much winning means to her and how good it feels. if it got broken or destroyed she probably would try to play it off like it wasn't a big deal but internally be pretty upset about it and might close herself off for a little bit while she dealt with it.‏‏‎ ‎astral‏‏‎ ‎keeps detailed notes on all the spells they've managed to successfully complete and any alterations they've made to them, if any, and the first journal they started keeping when they were a foal is probably one of their most important possessions, since it has the edited spell they got their cutie‏‏‎ ‎mark‏‏‎ ‎for inside it. they don't have a photographic memory like other magically talented unicorns we've seen, so losing that book or having it destroyed would be literally losing knowledge on top of losing something sentimental, and they'd freak out a Lot. way more so if it was intentionally damaged or damaged in some kind of easily avoidable way, and it would probably be close to the angriest they could ever get.

6: "The Mighty Fall" - If you were both asked for relationship advice from your experience together as one, what would it be? probably the number one thing that both of them have learned from each other is that everyone needs reassurance, some more than others, but just because they don't show it openly or aren't good at asking for it doesn't mean they don't need it.‏‏‎ ‎astral‏‏‎ ‎was obviously incredibly nervous about dating someone as high profile and impressive as dash and was in total disbelief about the fact that she actually liked them at the start of their relationship, so dash needs to remind them a lot that they are worthy of love. i also hc‏‏‎ ‎dashie‏‏‎ ‎as being a tad bit commitmentphobic pre-astral‏‏‎ ‎and maybe someone who feels like she's not cut out for serious relationships in general, and despite her toughie posturing does tend to get insecure and only feels comfortable sharing that vulnerability with those she's really close to.

10: "Rat a Tat" - If your f/o could tell their past self from a time before they started dating you one thing or give them advice, what would it be? Would it be related to your relationship or something else entirely? probably related to the above tbh...i think she was afraid that being in a relationship would mean that her partner would a) try to change her into someone she's not or b) she would accidentally hurt them and just confirm for herself that she's bad at relationships and they're not worth the hassle. so i think her advice to her past self would be to CHILL OUT ABOUT IT GIRL!!! (also depending on how far back you go she'd want to tell her past self she becomes‏‏‎ ‎a wonderbolt‏‏‎ ‎<3)

#sorry i think commitmentphobe‏‏‎ ‎dash‏‏‎ ‎is a little cutey. #we get zero indication of what she's‏‏‎ ‎like in a relationship in canon #(or any of the‏‏‎ ‎mane‏‏‎ ‎six‏‏‎ ‎really. not that i mind at all i honestly prefer it that way) #so i like to play in the space #i don't think‏‏‎ ‎astral‏‏‎ ‎would‏‏‎ ‎be her‏‏‎ ‎First relationship but it would be a) her first in a while and b) #the first one she really wants to take seriously as opposed to 'let's have fun and see where this goes' #asks for me #church #ship: prismatic

[bitch-butter]

Fic Writer Ask: 3, 8, 18, 30 :) have a good day

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

i read a Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic when i was like 12 or 13 that permanently altered my brain chemistry, i started writing miniature fics because i was so inspired and truly never stopped. i still go back and read it sometimes, it holds up (to me) lol.

8. How often do you reblog/comment on fics that you like?

not often enough tbh just because it takes me so long to read things between work and relationship and writing my own shit, so that by the time i finish something i just move on and internalize it and forget that i actually should be like Externalizing the fact that i liked something. resolution for 2024 is to Do Better lol

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

i will Always finish something, it just might take me 20 years to do it lol

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

“It would make you feel bad to go down to my car with me,” Joe said, teasing out David’s intention skillfully, better than he had any right to.

“If I thought we’d just snort shit I would feel less bad,” David said, voice dipping down, the same way his eyes continued to dip down and check on the other man’s lips, pulled in by them the same way his mind was pulled in by the promise of trouble. “But I know that’s not all that would happen.” 

An indescribably pleased expression crossed the other man’s face, his smirk becoming a genuine, nonplussed smile. “You think you’re really hot shit,” he observed, sounding like the idea was both hilarious and - miracle of miracles - arousing. 

It made David feel strong, sure of his worth in the way male attention often made him, and he nodded back to the other man’s amusement. “I know that I am.” 

Joe was caught off guard by his brazenness, but the only tell he gave for certain was the way he turned his head just so, just slightly enough that the blade of his cheek was presented in place of his mouth. Refusing to balk, David tilted his face into the space between, eyes unwavering as they held the challenge in their depths, and Joe appeared caught, helplessly interested, gazing back at him with something dark, intriguing in the most ordinary of ways like a double-cherry.

If one of them made a wrong move, even just the barest shift of weight, their mouths would be on each other. 

#thank you for asking ~~ #i could have finished three things by now if This fic had not happened #and uh it's going to Somehow take even longer!!! #yeah ugh i loved yugioh i still kind of do honestly it was my first and best #never knew by aphroditelove you will always be famous and you will Always be fucked up lol truly dark

[heartbroken-ghost]

To be honest I hate that people say they find DID interesting and cool. Like oh okay sick take mine please then so I don't have to deal with constant internal arguing, disagreeing about most things in life, feeling like you are a different sex than your own body (which isn't even yours entirely since you share it with other people), getting fake claimed or misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, having flashbacks that feels horrifyingly real and literally Terrifying™️, meeting people for the first time only to find out they've met you before (on more than one occasion apparently) and call you by a different name, and black out involuntarily only to start fronting randomly only to notice that you did a bunch of stuff you don't remember doing (including submitting schoolwork, emailing people and having new contacts added to your cellphone that you texted but don't remember texting, etc. NOT TO MENTION seeing that "your" life has been lived by someone you dislike and wouldn't talk to (and you cant even EVER get away from them)), being "trans" and never being able to be yourself physical appearance wise because most of us are females or more feminine, feeling r**** by other people you share a body with, and hearing constant internal arguing ALL day long some days (which seems endless) - plus people not believing you despite being diagnosed.

Like tbh idk I wish we were more like systems that seem to be having a good time or at least don't seem to live a chronic, daily nightmare filled with "self-abuse", constant gaslighting and invalidation, flashbacks, extreme anxiety, arguments, triggers, having completely opposite and/or conflicting needs & desires & values (etc.), inappropriate behaviours, pe**philia, differing sexualities, and abuse we can't even speak to anyone else about unless they're another DID system (AND even then we can't even relate to other systems sometimes since we have more of a Partial DID presentation).

LIKE WHY COULDN'T WE JUST HAVE LIKE TWO ALTERS THAT GET ALONG MOST OF THE TIME OR SOMETHING AND THAT LIKE EVEN TRY TO GET ALONG FOR EVEN A SINGLE DAY?

Smh I want a refund

#did system #dissociative identity disorder #partialDID #partial DID system #multiplicity #system members #partial dissociative identity disorder #traumagenic system #trigger warning #alters

[antis-hell]

Answering every question in an ask game because I'm bored and no one can stop me<3

(This game is from a deactivated blog, but you can still find the og post here!)

🦒 Do you have an inner world? If so how big is it?

Yep! It's fuckin massive tbh;-; several islands that we can't really access cus they're too far apart kind of big

🐈‍⬛ If you have an inner world did an alter consciously create it? And is anyone able to change it at will?

Nope;-; the majority of it was forcefully made by our abusers to distress us but some parts are slowly healing and changing from how it was originally, afaik the only alt that can change anything at will is Felix/Ion and that's only in selective parts.

🦝 Who is the most responsible person in your system?

Darky. All the fuckin way💀

🦋 Who fronts the most?

Me lol, I'm always at least in vague co con cus im the host

🦢 Do you mostly communicate externally or internally?

Bit of both tbh! We have chats in sp and discord that we use if amnesia walls are high, but mostly we can talk with people that are nearby when fronting

🦮 Do you have any animal alters?

Yep, we got a bunch, but our more frequent fronters are Mopha, a blue moth. Vulpix a kitsune looking cat thing and Fredbear a small yellow ish bear that kinda just chills with Darky

🦇 Do you have any parts/fragments that aren't fully alters/headmates?

Yep! Polyfrag goes brrrrrr, so we have a bunch of alts we consider parts rather than headmates

🦄 Do you have supernatural beings in your system?

Yep😭 again religious trauma is a bit silly, so we have most major Catholic demons, jesus, a few angels, God, celestial besings from the stars, and so much more;-;

🐖 If you were to be in a relationship would all of your headmates/alters date that person?

Nope! We have alts that are in strictly monogamous relationships in headspace so they wouldn't date the person the body is dating, same also goes for littles/middles and animal alters due to the fact they aren't mentally able to consent to a relationship (+ also any aroace alters that wouldn't want to date them)

🐭 Do most of your alters/headmates have the same or similar style/aesthetic?

Not in the slightest💀 we have fairly different styles which makes clothes shopping absolute hell

🪱 Do your alters/headmates have different sexualities? Do any contradict?

Yep! Most of us are gay men/masc aligned, but we do have a handful of lesbians and aroace ppl chilling up in this head

🐇 Do you know what your head count is?

700 at our last guess, but really, it could be anything😭

🦥 What is something that instantly makes someone switch in?

The taste of blood instantly makes Darky switch in. This is a but awkward when eating steak/meat, but he's pretty good at masking as me, so it's okay in the end

🐴 Do you have child alters/syskids?

Yep! We have a bunch:] Some are allowed on here, but we mostly keep them off social media due to safety concerns

🐆 If you have syskids/child alters do you have more adults/teens or children in your system?

Probably adults tbh😭 we have a LOT of littles, but if we're counting everyone that's not a little/middle as an adult, we dwarf them by a mile

🦔 Does anyone in your system age regress/dream?

Yep! I age regress in stressful episodes afaik only a few others do but I won't name them just for their privacy

🐶 Who has the best memory in your system?

Either Darky or Felix probably- they're the top gatekeepers, so they have access to everything pretty much

🦊 Do any of your alters have their own blogs just for them?

Darky does! He hasn't posted much on it yet but he's been mumbling about doing book reviews or some shit (like a fuchin old person would do/lh) I half told him to make one cus he needs more friends so go check it out if ya want! @upin-the-dark

Anyway, I had fun doing this:D If you want me to do any specific ask games/want me to do your ask game, send me the link, and I'll check it out!!/gen/nf

-anti💚🗡

#did #anti💚🗡 #did osdd #did system #system ask games #ask game #i dont really know what to tag tbh-

[chronal-anomaly]

meta + found family

Send me headcanons || always accepting tbh

Found family is really the only family that Lena's had.

Maybe that's not entirely true. Maybe one day, there was a bouncing baby Lena and parents that loved her so dearly, it felt like their hearts would burst. That she would be dressed up in baby sundresses and taken for picnics and music in the park. A mother that showed up to gymnastics recitals and tacked her paintings to the fridge. A fiery-haired woman who loved as long as the sun was bright, fierce and whole. Once upon a time, there were dances in the kitchen and pretend-airplanes in her father's arms. Somewhere abroad, a large family who shared her mother's passion for the world.

But accidents happen, and grief is a fickle thing.

Lena doesn't remember the car accident that killed Ciara, doesn't remember the days of grieving later. Conversely, she doesn't remember the grief etched into her father's face, deeper at every interaction. Lena was too much like Ciara, too in love with life and exuding brilliance that it physically hurt him. Who could blame him for retreating into his office work? Who could blame him for saving himself the pain of watching the reminder of the woman he loved so dearly, grow up?

Lena's second family was a group of friends she met at a rock concert she snuck into at 13. A mixture of human and omnic, all reunited by the deep, rocking base and the drive to feel connected in a way beyond. Days continued with this group, time spent graffitiing London, attending parties and concerts, and not a small amount of vigilant justice against the rampant anti-omnic mentalities. But there has to be a point where they grow up and move on, and Lena fell for the trap of military recruitment.

Her third family, and most short lived, consisted of her cohort in the Royal Air Force Academy. United this time over 60 miles runs and broken spirits - and more than a couple broken bones - these were the first people she trusted with her life. She had to, given the circumstances. They were the ones destined to take over the decimated ranks of the Royal Air Force, the next generation against whatever threat the world spit out. But nepotism is a dangerous game, and the prodigy they called Lena Oxton was separated for her skill in the sky. Today, they're still her family - she has lunch with Hamila and Natalie, sometimes - but that boundary had been cast and changed the course of everything.

Her fourth family was with Overwatch. It began with the Blackwatch boys, Cassidy and Genji, being close enough in age to be brothers. Genji mourned with her, their broken and altered bodies, in his own silent way. Eventually that net expanded to include Jack, Angela, Fareeha as a younger sister, Gabe, Ana, Vivian - they all became closer to family, the first people Lena would go to. In fact, Jack was the first one she went to after her first relationship during her time as a Hero exploded in her face ( Lena was too dedicated to her work, a feeling he could resonate with entirely ). When that, too, was lost to her, Lena believed herself unworthy of a family. It was hard to trust, to love again, even for someone with that fiery passion of her mother. Lena sufficed with love for people, for humanity, and animals, and everything else she deemed 'good' in the world. Doing her part to correct wrongs and bring light back into people's days.

But one can reject love, and it still find them.

Her fifth family was another fiery, red-headed woman with power in her eyes and a quicksilver tongue. Emily, international news reporter, covering everywhere where she shouldn't be, including the active warzone made up of the former streets of Belgium in a rogue omnic attack. Lena had saved her then, ignoring the punch to her gut at the beauty of the woman ( as covered in ash and dirt as she was ). However, it wouldn't be until a subsequent, similar encounter that had Lena sprinting to a medic, Emily tucked to her chest as Lena screamed to save her. Lena had visited her in the hospital later, a rare happening for a woman so insistent on the few degrees of separation she was able to maintain. This family, she held tightly, like embracing the setting sun, and so far, Emily has yet to dissipate from between her fingers.

Her final, and current family, is a hodgepodge of different lives lived in different worlds. Family built in the hardship of war, friends made over rucks and arms training and sleepless. Love found in the battlefield. Newcomers and old friends, people that she would happily burn up for just to see them succeed. They've never asked such a thing of her, however, existing in relative harmony compared.

And Lena loves. Gods, does she love them all.

#holy shit i am so much more emotional than I anticipated while working on this #lexi I am SUING #( headcanon. ) #tlacehualli

[queerautism]

So like. I make OCs. Lots of them. I'm sitting at 31 atm after the most recent one. Starting to wonder if they're actually alters of a sort? Because they tend to rattle around in my head doing their own thing without me telling them to. Some of them are kinda Just There and just sit and watch without engaging. I feel like I don't make their backstories and personalities and stuff so much as they tell me. I get some kind of Inspiration and they just come to life and before they even start talking they're pointing me toward the kind of names they might want and picrews I can use to give them a face and I actually draw some of them when I can't find an adequate picrew to use, and over time they start telling me about themselves. I've tried to make them entirely myself, but they usually find some of it incorrect and will correct it. There's one I've had for about a decade, who apparently has a really tragic past that he acknowledges does not excuse his frankly rotten behavior but he just started telling me about it in the last few years, and also correcting some misconceptions I had about him. He's definitely interesting and has made me confront some internalized ableism I used to have that I thankfully no longer carry.

I feel like they're not exactly Mine as in they Belong To Me but they're Parts Of Me. Some of them are pretty dark parts of me that seem safer and more stable contained in the form of a being with a name, even if they only exist in my head. I'm not lonely even if I'm by myself because I have them.

I do rp with many of them, though I haven't gotten around to it with all of them yet. When I rp with them they tend to dictate their own actions and all I do is type what they want me to type and sometimes give them suggestions. Three of them(the only three humans lol) actually came to exist via a tabletop rpg I play, and when I play as them, it's like I'm co fronting with them? Idk they speak for themselves in their own accents and speech patterns, even though the accents aren't perfect due to my mouth not having the muscle memory to form words exactly the same as they do inside my head.

Idk I just wanted to share this with you and get an opinion if you have one about this kind of thing ❤️

Honestly, I think this sort of thing is not super uncommon for a lot of plural people! I think it's really cool and I do relate to it with the way some of my OCs feel these days tbh 💜

[bumblee-stumblee]

saw an ask you answered on my page somehow, not sure why. but wanted to correct some of the things said. many transgender kids are not getting shipped off to gender clinics. where i live it is an incredibly hard process to even get diagnosed with gender dysphoria. after that, they barely provide you with any help and instead have to seek out advice from a particular doctor. in most circumstances, said doctor is transphobic and is not interested on getting you on hormones or anything else. and if you do find a doctor who says they can get you on hormones, you better have ten years of therapy under your belt. being trans is not a happy go lucky trait i picked up off the ground to be trendy and cool. i struggled with my identity for many years, tried different labels, and only now am i beginning to be happy with myself as a transgender man. i have tried many times to read through radfem posts, try to understand where you’re coming from, read from peoples different perspectives but i just don’t think i’ll ever agree with your stances. i don’t understand how so many radfems like you sincerely believe we choose to be trans and are just poor little confused girls who got eaten up by the transgenderification monster, but it’s incredibly demeaning. i’d love to have a genuine conversation but sadly i don’t think it’ll go anywhere. just wanted to state my piece about that post and some views i’ve found on your blog.

We can have a genuine discussion if you like.

It's not like I don't believe gender dysphoria doesn't exist, I'm well aware it does and affects a very small percentage of the population. I just don't believe that many of the kids claiming they have it are all genuine.

Many of the girls that claim they are men might not have it and instead are uncomfortable with puberty as they've noticed that women are treated differently and want to opt out, or realized they are gay and have internalized homophobia.

There's also the religious groups that would prefer their kids get srs and present as the other sex so they can be 'straight'. I mean this is done in many countries that still considered homosexuality to be a sin and a crime.

I don't think that i would immediately label a doctor transphobic for not giving you hormones, and having years of therapy is a good thing so that they can make sure its not something else, autism or any underlying comorbidities. It's a good thing that they make you have therapy as dysphoria means you are mentally ill.

I don't think you choose to be trans either, i think many of you get introduced to the idea and groomed towards a certain direction. A lot of girls within the same friend group tend to get the social contagion whether it be trans or eating disorders. I also think, like I've said above that lots of girls want to opt out of oppression. There's so many change that happened to our bodies that put more attention to us and not much of that attention is good.

Teen girls are shit on so much, sexualized and demeaned that i don't blame them for wanting to opt out. But that shouldn't be the answer. We shouldn't make them go through life altering hrt and surgeries so that they don't have to deal with that.

And kids? They can't consent for these things. Children do not understand, they do not have the cognitive maturity to make informed decisions. They cannot consent. They should be made to wait until they are adults (until they're 26 if i had my way tbh, never met a mature 18yo) in order to be given hrt and surgeries.

So we can talk if you like and I'll attempt to understand what you're going through.

#radblr #radfem #asks

[elytrafemme]

okay hi hello hi jumping up and down. system things tee he

also @evilpuzzlingpapercrown (hi it’s me puzzle and i’m taging my alt and writing on annon because i refuse to mention this stuff of main. i have… irls in there. i don’t want to have a long ass awkward convo with some of the more skeptic about system people i know)

this is going to be a load of rambles because yes ✨ but i would love to hear any stories/answers/assorted things you have to anything i ramble on about

the most immediate thing i can think of is headspace/internal word. i’m always curious as to how that works for different systems. i read somewhere that even singlets can have a kind of headspace which is cool. cool beans (beans that are cool) mine is simple af and confusing af. hashtag dinner theater

okay and also i can remember when i first learned about plurality beyond like stereotypical nonsense like 3 years ago. i thought i was plural for months but there was such a mental blocker on figuring everything out and i decided i was just a different brand of mentally ill. i then had like a questioning period every other two months until i did like extensive research on systems and plurality. turns out finding info from people who have the thing ur looking into is the best place for info and coping skills. \o/

okay unrelated i keep smelling maple syrup all day and i don’t know why. it’s good though so i can’t complain.

anyway do you have colors you associate with any of your alters/headmates? also i find the word headmate funny. like mainly because my college algebra teacher says “and you can get help on homwork with your roomates, suitemates, any of your mates!” and i giggle. checking my homework with the other dumb bitches in my brain. hhahahehe

okay a question! we’re there ever things that you had a very switched up opinion of or something before realizing you were a system. like having some time really enjoying one kind of music and then something in ur brain is shocked later like “huh but i liked this music more” when it was just two people liking different music? okay that was an elaborate question i might give another example thou. like uh….. style! having a part of your brain that really liked a specific style unlike what you mostly like and realizing it’s an alter being freaking vocal but only about this one specific thing. like honey you can indulge futuristic neon cyber punk whatever later. right now is time for jeans and a hoodie because i said so

oh yea do you do anything specific to try and like monitor your system? like for any kind of memory things or just yo keep track of switches. ect ect. you don’t have to answer that because that’s kinda personal i was just wondering if you had a method that worked well for y’all? tbh i am going through an assortment of attempts at keeping a slight track of things… it’s difficult tbh. sometimes there’s a really freaking apparent switch and other times i realize someone’s like here with me now i guess and other times there’s a moment and i’m like “wait i don’t remember this morning. or like this whole week. haha. wait.” ect ect

haha silly moments over here

okay and i should probably give a more thought provoking topic. like uh… oh yea! positivity time yesyes

has your self image/self perception improved since realizing you were a system in any way? is there anyway that embracing this all has helped you? ect ect

YIPPEE OKAY HI!!! Mare fronting rn but we have a lot of thoughts about this so idk if anyone else is gonna co con or whatever but hiii

so for us, the internal world/headspace kind of... barely exists? this i think is because our brain isn't very good at retaining pictures for a long period of time, like we've had difficulties in the past trying to envision a scene we're working on writing but not being able to get a clear picture of it for a while. it's not that we can't imagine things at all, but it's kind of tricky. also, we're a pretty new system. so as of right now, most of the internal world is just... if an alter is about to front, i can see them sometimes doing a specific action, but it's in an empty void of space. the other day i was trying to call dahlia out to front but she was sitting there reading and kind of floating in the abyss

we do have an exception which is more like the. hm. okay so we have the foreground of headspace, which is just what i call the headspace, and that is where all the frequent fronters are. then in the background we kind of have a place where shit gets blurry and its hard to tell delusion from internal world. but that's where we get things like the woods and all that

damn that's fascinating actually, i feel very strange b/c i really and truly did NOT expect to be a system, like, i'd done research on systems for ages but i think i just didn't know about systems that like... didn't have amnesia walls, or weren't specifically DID. and bc of that i like did not realize what i was experiencing... Was That. having friends who r systems really helped on that front i agree wholeheartedly

i kind of dont like maple syrup like as a vibe. it's so sticky. it like tastes fine and smells fine and whatever just. residue :(

HELPSDFKDFSHKSDF you rolling up to ur alters like Guys its calculus time ^_^ nah but in terms of colors uhhh well it's. pretty on the nose actually but yeah! dahlia is pink, klavier is purple, i am a more blue-toned lighter purple, nightshade is a very dark purple-grey shade, and some of the other bastards have colors but idk their names yet so it's hard to talk about them. the deer is iridiscent but most closely matches with very light blue and very very VERY light pink

NO BC THAT'S STRAIGHT UP HOW WE FOUND OUT BASICALLY. like to cut the story short i have dealt with bad identity issues for a while bc my consistency with interests and personality traits and opinions were so different. how i realized that it might be a system thing was bc one day i got super into the Met gala despite never having fucking cared for it ever before. and i felt very like not like "me" in that moment. turns out that was someone else i don't remember who now but yeah that kicked us off

wishing u a lot of luck with tracking things, unfortunately i have no strategies :( i actually really struggle to keep track of it bc sometimes i'll be wandering doing smth and go "wait who am i?" and then i have no idea and i'm like "okay well. not mare but whatever" and then maybe half hour later i tune in again and it's me again. also my memory is really awful and we're so frequently co con, and honestly i am around so goddamn much, that it's kind of difficult to tell. i remember all the clear switches bc i journal them later, but none of the times and i never know what happens in those empty periods. so yeah shits rough and i wish u so much luck w that

this is kind of funny to say bc i think it's caused both grief and joy, but i've felt a lot better about myself since realizing that i'm not the same host that the system had in the start. like realizing that i am a new alter that emerged mid-2021 and has been host every since explains so much. i experience such imposter's syndrome and one of the biggest issues i had was realizing i was aro-spec and ace bc i felt like in the past EVERYTHING was testifying against that. and it took me until like last WEEK to realize. yeah that's because those memories weren't you. you probably formed to BE arospec and ace bc of them actually. it's so validating.

also. it's just. it's kind of nice. to not be alone :')

and also also this is kinda too much info but being a system despite not having that much amnesia walls or anything, has helped kind of a lot with trauma coping. its made some things worse but i think once we know the other alters and things organize it;ll actually end up being easier to handle everything

thank u for the questions friend i <3 you

#nightmare.ask #nightmare.system #long post #THANK U FR THIS I LOVE TALKING BOUT THIS STUFF #and it stayed me the whole time wowie #we had a nightshade co con moment earlier that was kind of iconic but i think they're gone now #physical protector tingz i guess LOL #sleepy anon ☁️

[catholicjinx]

*poke* bsd vampire au but they’re not like the vampires rn- thoughts 👁👁🎤

OH MY GOD. SO MANY THOUGHTS

okay so. im gonna be honest the vampire thing going on in bsd rn is Not very vampire. friendly id say. ofc its altered to be from the source of an ability but the vampires being mindless and more just. controlled by bloodlust and the need to infect other people is so far off. from regular vampires. because traditionally vampires Did infect people but not so much as just. people dying and coming back as vampires. and them just needing to feed (they dont even come out every night!!! they used to be put in coffins that were specially designed to keep the vampires In and theyd. bury people alive to test if they were vampires. kinda freaky but really the story is they come out for feeding on general human energy, since Vampyres Very Traditionally were just old ancestors that came alive at night to feast on the energy of the living) so it was more 50/50 in a way? anyways. bsd vampire au

SO. im gonna do this in a bulleted list with just regular. characters. and rhe ones i favor the most rn lol

Chuuya - he wouldnt necessarily be a violent vampire but he would feel guilty about his feedings. he wouldnt need blood as often as the average vampire because of his smaller stature but i do think he would come home and immediately shower and feel awful because hes stripping himself further of humanity and like. idk. dipping into stormbringer a bit: since he Is the original chuuyas body, just hosting a god that essentially makes him half human, i think hed be obsessed with proving his humanity to himself to try and live up to what he Should Have Been. the happy boy that the flags said he was. so him becoming a vampire and being fully conscious of it would both be a Huge internal struggle and even an external one - since vampires cannot be seen in mirrors i think he would also have some body image issues! (i Know he does. Really.) but overall, he'd make the most of it. dazai would tell him his fangs are hot or whatever and itd get to him sometimes and the windows in his office would constantly have to be covered up. but he would be ok. also hed wear the SICK ASS vampire 1800s esque clothes and totally live in a gothic mansion with too many books and fireplaces. i know it.

Dazai - him turning vampire would really just. corrode his humanity even further. not only would he question if hes fulfilling odas dying wish but hed question if hes even being honest with kunikida and the rest of the agency by being a "changed man" like he claimed. his feedings probably turn into episodes, most likely having to feed once a day and feeling nothing during it but the guilt would sink in after. he would probably become something of a hermit, only letting his closest friends into his home and hiring So Much staff to take care of his mansion so he doesnt have to be seen by anyone else. his suicide attempts would probably become more drastic (and as vampires are immortal, hed only be left a lot more upset afterwards anyways). on the brighter side, some days would be better than others, and some days he wouldnt sleep in a coffin and prefer an actual Bed. and he would absolutely look like he hasnt slept in 100 years. oh and hed have duo fangs (8 fangs instead of just the traditional 4) and would probably keep heads of garlic around the house for fun. and hed grow his hair out tbh!!

Akutagawa - HE GETS ME THE MOST!!! TBH!!! HEEEEE he was the first one to get turned. for sure. and i especially think he was turned because he was bit by another vampire, his (rural town that i hc him to have grown up in despite being an orphan) buried him vampire style and put a slicer above his neck to behead him when he tried to rise. he did anyways, and since vampires are immortal, hed have a bright red scar on his neck where he was decapitated. hed feed more regularly, especially because he was sicker in the afterlife and now has to make up for it while hes undead. gin would Not be a vampire, but theyd live in a vampire mansion/cottage crossover where she takes care of him and he swears to never use her for feeding, even if he needs blood. his fangs would be small, but very sharp, and hed dress. the same way he does now lol

Atsushi - his turning was difficult. i think it wouldve happened while he was at the orphanage: he got sick, the director brought in a "doctor" to treat him but he ended up being bit and turned, and the director threw him out for behaving unlike the other kids and accused him of being possesed by. something (this also ties into my religious atsushi headcanon so stay with me here). since vampires originate out of religion, i think atsushi wouldve been Heavily raised on catholicism and both felt guilty for becoming the thing he was supposed to hate (catholics hate vampires and anything relating to the supernatural. atleast from someone who was raised in the catholic church, theyre very reserved and punish things that seem to resonate with the devil because it suggests satanism. lol.) and also would probably try to make up for it by becoming obsessive with his relationship with the trinity. ya get me. i think eventually hed accept that he was turned, but hed still feel worthless because hes doing something he deems inhumane especially through his trauma. as for appearances, hed have an interesting fang set where the bottom fangs are very short but the top are long, and i think one of his top fangs would be like a snaggletooth :3 its just very atsushi

Poe - really hed just accept it all together. his turning was ordinary and i dont have anything specific for it Yet but i do believe that he probably used it as an excuse to keep writing novels super late at night lol. also he would feed Very irregularly and itd be super unhealthy for him, so when he met ranpo he would be constantly lectured on keeping a regular feeding schedule. also hed be so scared of the sunlight hed have 100 umbrellas

Ranpo - gluttonous, got turned on accident and was terrified when he couldnt see his reflection at first but then realized he could use this to his advantage to fuck around at night whenever he wants. food isnt necessary for vampire survivial and it makes literally no difference since they straight up just absorb the blood they consume so he took So Much Advantage of this and now uses it to eat as many snacks as he wants. hes still a renown detective and participates in cases often, just from the safefy of his home. he would also have snaggleteeth and double fangs like dazai

Fukuzawa - was turned late into life and found that it didnt really make a difference, so he settled in a mansion and started an organization for vampires that dont prefer going out and feeding on people and would rather just have willing participants/premade blood without the hunting part (particularly ranpo, poe, and atsushi use this. sometimes gin too if akutagawa cant go out to feed). hes like a dad to everyone and treats his vampire staff like his own kin even though they may be scared of him. also he dresses like a 19th century goth novel protagonist. i don't make the rules

#THIS IS SO LONG IM SO FUCKING SORRY #i tried keeping somr of this to the original stories but i got so off the rails with fukuzawas its like #half canon half Im Autistic And I Love Vampires. yaknow #anyeays thanks for asking this i have the insane urge to make an entire au and draw them as vampires now and. AUGH... #asks #alice 💜 #vampire tag #save #i definitely have more thoughts but this is long as it i s and i am NOT making coherent sentences anhmore. oops