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notbecauseofvictories · 3 years

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oh I'm interested in the tag novel on how fan spaces becoming more meat spacey benefits the producers!! also happy Halloween! 🖤🧡🖤🧡

It’s not a particularly academic argument---I don’t have sources to back this up, I haven’t done research. I’m also wary of painting a picture of “fandom” as anything more than a lot of weasels in a trenchcoat, because that word means a lot of things to a lot of different people, some of whom hate each other. But as long as everybody understands that this is the ethnographical equivalent of drunkenly throwing darts at a copy of the AJS...sure.

[under a cut because it’s long and baseless, and also I had a lot of thoughts and feelings. Sorry.]

My basic premise is that fandom occupies “fanspace.” Fanspace is not solely online, since fanzines and conventions are fanspace too, but since the 90s it has become increasingly and primarily internet based. While some websites are designated fanspace (e.g., AO3, ff.net, stand-alone fansites) fanspace is not necessarily contiguous with a hosting site (e.g., there is fanspace on tumblr, but tumblr is not a fanspace). Fanspace is really just those urls, message boards, threads, blogs, accounts, etc. designated for fandom and/or where fannish activity takes place.

Its deeply-rooted internet presence has allowed fanspace and what I call “meatspace” to operate on different rules. Meatspace has always informed fan spaces, of course---disclaimers on fic to ward off accusations of copyright infringement, for example, or asking readers to attest that they’re over 13 before reading an R-rated fic. But traditionally, fandom has accepted as norm things that don’t apply to meatspace: fake names and anonymous posts, pictures of someone else’s characters, lengthy self-published stories featuring violence, explicit sex, sometimes even gay people. Fanspace is in many ways an artificial carve out from meatspace, where fewer of its rules apply; fanspace supplements these with its own norms.

The division between fanspace and meatspace is not and has never been a clear, settled line, however. Debates on how much meatspace should inform fan spaces have been raging for as long as I’ve been on the internet, and to be fair to meatspace, it has made good points. (I’m not sure if “don’t be racist,” counts as a meatspace rule given...racism, but fandom frequently reacts to it like a meatspace intrusion so I think it should count.)

However, what used to be intra-fandom conversations have become increasingly more public, for a few reasons:

Part of this is just the natural development of the internet---it’s not like fanspace was ever hidden, but there just weren’t as many people online, and stuff was harder to find in a pre-google, pre-algorithmic promotion world.

Part of it is the changing architecture of fanspace---websites shutting down, Strikethrough, and the tumblr porn ban have all, in their own ways, served to alter fanspace and move towards more and more public-facing sites.

But part of it---and this is the biggest factor, I think---is that over the last two decades, we’ve seen content-producers** increasingly willing to engage with fandom.

On its face, this sounds good! After all, fans like people who make things, people who make things want fans. What could possibly be wrong about both sides recognizing their mutualism?

I think this works when the most interaction you could expect with a creator was showing up a bookstore to ask Tamora Pierce a question, or writing fanmail to Paul Gross. But it falls apart when you consider just how public-facing fanspaces have become, and just how much interest content-producers have taken in cultivating the fannish audience. Content-producers engaging directly with fandom are a thumb on the scales of mutualism, and a heavy one. After all, one side of the relationship is a loosely collected anarchic cult, migrating along a series of websites they mostly don’t control, making do with nothing but ongoing wank and general obsessive tendencies.

The other side has D*sney, Harper Collins, and Comcast.

That thumb on the scale has paid off, more than I think even the content-producers could have anticipated. Fandom is good at loving what it loves and talking loudly about it, but capitalism is way better at doing what it does---turning everything into profit. So now people pay $100 a pop to go to Harry Potter World. Conventions are well-produced extensions of their parent companies, raking in money and providing a blitz of publicity---directly to the source most likely to take your messaging and amplify it. Make a superhero movie and the minute the trailer drops you conjure up thousands of online fans will be your de facto, unpaid publicists---generating interest via fan art, fic, and controversy with minimal corporate effort. Of course fic writers who have established online presence are the darlings of the publishing world---what publisher wouldn’t want a built-in hype machine for a new author?

And, just coincidentally, of course, fanspace and meatspace are drawn closer together, that line further blurred by this new and very, very interested third party.

I’m not saying this is some big conspiracy. No tv exec is out there rubbing their hands together and cackling evilly about how they’re going ruin fandom. But in exchange for meatspace validation and an endless stream of new content, I think fandom has ceded important ground. And I think it’s changing fanspaces, even now:

One of the founding rules of fanspace is that it does not generate money---you risk real copyright infringement that way. (This isn’t to say that money hasn’t been involved in a few massive fandom scandals, but it’s not typical.) Increasingly, however, the grumblings about getting paid for fan art and fic have gotten louder, probably due to meatspace’s general emphasis on the side-hustle, and seeing content-producers churn out more and more fan-like things for a profit.

(It seems unimaginable now, but once upon a time the HP Lexicon was an invaluable resource, a rare unicorn in a pre-wikipedia age. Now, D*sney wouldn’t even think of releasing a tentpole movie without a novelization, a picture dictionary, and a tie-in novel.)

Also, those calls for fan art that “might be featured” by a content-producer are (rightfully) scorned for asking for work pro bono. But the takeaway seems to be “we deserve to be paid for our fan art!” rather than “how dare the content-producer intrude on our fanspace and its activities!”

Fanspaces have never expected or required legal ID, permitting anonymous or pseudonymous activity in order to protect individual privacy. And while there’s still no expectation you link your legal ID with your online/fan ID, the norm has shifted---it’s no longer considered gauche to go by your legal ID, even necessary when turning mutuals and followers into an “audience.” We’re not anonymous fans, engaged in our mutual hobby anymore---some people are doing that, and others are potential content-creators.

I’d argue that even purity wank if an example of this new blurring, classic “don’t like don’t read” arguments taking on new life now that meatspace is so nearby---we wouldn’t want to offend the neighbors!

Even these things benefit the content-producers: the more fan-like stuff they churn out, the less fanspaces will create on their own; the more fanspaces that emphasize linking legal ID to online ID, the less people will be able to engage in fan activities privately; the more meatspace rules assert themselves on fanspaces, the less fanspace we’ll have.

Now, maybe this is just...evolution. As I said before, there is a porous and shifting border between fanspace and meatspace. I remember angry threads about whether m/m fics should be rated higher than a het equivalent; I remember the tagging debates, the incredible resistance to accurately describing what happens in your fic. Maybe in a few years, my longing to return to a more separate fanspace will seem equally as embarrassing, incorrect, and unnecessary.

But right now, it feels more like an erosion---one fandom is about as willing or able to resist as the tide.

** “Content maker” is a term that’s come to mean “anyone who makes something” which is sheer nonsense. There’s a difference between publishers/television producers/movie studios and someone recording a podcast in their bathroom. There’s even a difference between D*sney, a vast undead creative monopoly animated by copyright protections, and someone like James Patterson, who uses a stable of ghostwriters to churn out “his” works. We shouldn’t be scrutinizing all these things them the same way, it’s lazy, and intellectually dishonest.

#long post #long post for ts #........this is a whole honest to god essay what the hell #nonsense. malarky. ridiculousness and speculation.#guys I'm so sorry this is A Lot #(ps is it election terror driven towards sometime I can maybe describe without vomiting and panic attacks? I mean MAYBE)#either way here I am coming up with fun intricate theories as the world burns #transannecarson #celestial emporium of benevolent knowledge

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lesbianlovelanguage · 4 years

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YOUTUBER AU I’m such a fucking sucker for those. It can be anything you want really. Maybe they are friends doing a challenge or something and they end up kissing (or more ;)) or they could meet each other at like a creator even and take a pic together and everyone starts to ship them... :)

HI! Anon I am so sorry, life has been *general handwaving* a MESS. But, I’ve finally gotten most of my shit together and look! A fic! Finally!!! I hope you enjoy two ridiculous boys being ridiculous.

---

“You guys asked for it, and here it is. The explanation to Bendy and the Ink Machine! Now, I’ve watched a ton of playthroughs of this, especially The RatKing’s, as well as played through it myself, and I think I’ve got it.”

Such a simple statement, it made it through both of the editors as well as Steve and Dustin themselves without raising any red flags. But as with everything, once it had been released on the internet it became fuel for fans to break apart and over analyze.

The comments started pouring in, the standard mix of support and people trying to break apart his theory. But one comment in particular would stand out and begin something so much bigger than itself.

Twenty minutes after Steve had pressed upload, someone with the username Random Hoe posted a comment saying Awe! A collab between you and Billy would be totes amazing!! While an innocent comment in itself, it began to pick up steam as people ranted and demanded for the two popular youtubers to interact more. It turned from video ideas to outright shipping within two hours, and only five hours after the video had been up, people began tagging Steve on Twitter with everything from edited screen grabs to fanart and video edits, all about Steve and Billy’s secret yet undying love for each other.

Steve had almost quit Youtube as the fanbase for what had been dubbed “Stilly” steadily grew and became all the more ravenous. There were less and less comments and reactions to his theories, whether movie, video game, or even book related, and more and more comments about how he needed to do a collab with Billy ASAP, and how he’s queerbaiting, and how it’s okay to come out, it was 20Gayteen after all. He had tried to do damage control, but it only made things worse.

And then someone showed Billy, and Steve not only wanted to quit Youtube, but also crawl under a rock.

Billy’s only reaction to someone sending him a picture of Steve and Billy during a live stream was “Nice art, like the hair,” but Steve could have sworn his mouth twitched down in a grimace before Billy recovered his composure.

But Dustin had convinced Steve to keep going, and with two months of no recognition or new content, the frenzy of Stilly shipping died down. It never disappeared, but no one sent anymore art to Billy and stopped tagging Steve in all of their posts. That had been in February.

Vidcon was in June, and Stilly was the least of Steve’s worries. He’d been asked to host a panel on the new game show he and Dustin had begun hosting on Youtube TV about pop culture trivia, and then host a live episode with various Youtube guests as competitors. It promised to be relatively simple, a simple explanation of the origin and behind-the-scenes and a simple Q&A session followed by what he spent every Thursday doing for the past two months. And it was, him and Dustin breezing through the panel bouncing off of each other and the first round of Did You Know? You Don’t Say? flying by as the famed beauty guru aced almost every question. But once the second guest stepped on stage, Steve knew it was all going to go to shit.

Because Billy Hargrove, The Rat King himself, swaggered out on the stage in flip flops and an Everlast crop top and flopped into the contestant’s chair with a smirk. Steve froze, mouth suddenly drier than a desert.

Luckily, Dustin didn’t even stutter. “Ah! The next victim. Should we go easy on him?” He waggled his eyebrows as he asked the audience. The audience shouting brought Steve out of his daze, and with a shake of his head, he turned and spread his arms out wide.

“Well then, let’s begin. So, Billy, Do you know what the rarest MnM color is?”

The cocky smirk melted off of Billy’s face, replaced by one of thoughtful determination. He’s silent for only a moment before he looks up and says, “Brown, like your eyes, Pretty Boy.” Steve feels his pale skin flush with heat, but he coughs and tries to play it off.

“Quite the charmer there, Rat King. Luckily, your lines are actually true. One point! Let’s see it!” He calls out and then looks behind him to the television screen currently displaying the scoreboard. A large blocky 1 appears and the audience cheers.

“Alrighty then,” Dustin says after the crowd dies down. “Next question. Billy, Do you know the original name of Istanbul?” Billy chuckles, and shakes his head.

“Easy. Constantinople.”

Dustin fake pouts and looks over to Billy. “None of that Rat King charm for me?” The audience laughs, and Billy chuckles before throwing a wink at Dustin.

“Not quite old enough to ride this ride, bud.”

Dustin scoffs and shakes his head, making the curls bounce around wildly. “Whatever you say, old man. You did get it right by the way. Let me see another point!” Dustin mimics Steve and gestures towards the scoreboard which now shows a big, white 2.

“Your turn, Pretty Boy. Give me something hard.”

“Alright. Let’s see.” Steve pretends to look over his notes before seeing the perfect question. “So, Billy, Do you know which two American states don’t observe daylight savings time?” Billy stares blankly at Steve. This was the final question in their lineup, but he had asked for a hard question.

Luckily, Billy recovers quickly and clears his throat before giving another chuckle. “Damn, I know I said give me a hard one, but I wasn’t expecting that. I’m gonna go with Hawaii and Alaska?” Steve shakes his head and gives a small sigh.

Dustin gives a little cheer, and then runs over to a table off to the side of the stage where they have a cue card that the contestant has to read off of if they lose. It was Dustin’s idea, the You don’t say? part of the title. It’s his favorite part of the show, because they get to see their contestants say some ridiculous things.

“Well, unfortunately, that was incorrect,” Steve announces over the booing audience. “And, following the rules, you now have to read whatever is on this card.” Dustin hands Billy the cue card with a wicked grin.

Billy sighs and flips over the card. There’s a moment of silence as he reads over what the card says, and then he looks up at Steve and clears his throat.

“Would a Pretty Boy want to go out with me?” He says in a clear voice, gaze never leaving Steve’s.

Suddenly too many things for Steve to process happen at once. He feels the heat return to his cheeks and his mouth dry out again, the audience goes wild, and a buzzer sounds, signaling that they were out of time for Did You Know? You Don’t Say? Dustin comes through and pushes a frozen Steve off-stage, where Billy is waiting in the wings. With the audience’s weighty gaze gone, the feeling returns to Steve all at once.

“What the hell man? What was that out there?” He hissed at Billy. The man simply shrugs and gives another one of his trademark smirks.

“Just giving the people what they want, Princess. Try to keep up.” And then he turns around, and walks away. Simple as that. Nothing to it.

Steve wants to scream. Fortunately, he and Dustin have been friends for years, and he knows all of Steve’s tics by now. The stagehands shoo them from the wings, and he pulls Steve through one of the backdoors to outside the convention center. Somehow, he also procures a water bottle in the hustle, and hands it to Steve once they’re both sitting on the steps outside. Steve takes the water bottle gratefully and chugs half of it in one long gulp. He pulls it away and wipes at his face before sighing. He seems to deflate, like a balloon losing all of its helium at once, and Dustin puts an arm around him. It’s awkward because he’s shorter than Steve, but it’s still comforting nonetheless.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dustin asks quietly.

“I- I’m so stupid. For just a second I thought it was real, but why would it be? What would someone like him see in someone like me?” Dustin lets out a huff before pulling away and turning towards Steve.

“Steve, buddy, pal o’ mine. You’re an idiot. If anything, he doesn’t deserve you. He’s a pompous ass for pulling a stunt like that. It’s bullshit.”

“He could have anyone. Between his paycheck and his pecs, he’s one of Youtube’s hottest content creators.”

“Yeah, sure. But for the sake of alliteration, he also lacks personality. The guy’s a huge dick! And he proved it today. He knew that you wouldn’t shut him down and bitch him out on stage, so he thought it would be funny to pull that shit.”

“Yeah, he is kind of just a publicity-seeking asshole, you’re right,” Steve admits, feeling a little better, and a lot angrier. “You know what, Dusty-Poo? I’m gonna find him, and give him a piece of my mind.” He stands up, itching for a fight and knowing who to go find for one.

“Tha-that’s not exactly what I meant but sure! Go knock him down a peg.” Dustin stands up as well and follows Steve back onto the main showfloor.

It takes about twenty minutes to find Billy amongst the crowd but Steve sees him, and locks in like a tiger stalking his prey. Or something cool like that. Thankfully, Steve doesn’t have to make a huge scene as he walks up to Billy and gets in his face.

“You. Me. Conference Room 3. Now,” Steve says, poking a finger in the middle of Billy’s chest to emphasize his point. Billy chuckles, but still follows along as they walk into the empty conference room. Once they clear the doors and Steve hears them swing shut behind them, he turns to Billy.

“Explain. What the fuck was the point of that little,” he wavs his hand around, “stunt you pulled during the game show?”

Billy raises an eyebrow. “Told you Pretty Boy. I gave the people what they wanted.

“So that’s it? It was a publicity stunt?”

“You tell me. You’re the one who started the whole thing,” Billy shoots back, still holding on to an air of nonchalance, but Steve can his patience waning.

“You- you mean the stuff from February? When I happened to mention you in one video? You think I meant for that shitstorm to start, for fun and publicity?”

Billy only shrugs again.

“Okay. Nope. Again, I mentioned your channel one time, as a source. Gave credit where credit was due. I do it for all the channels I watch! I’ve mentioned Nancy’s channel like 8 times, and Jonathan’s too. Never had this shit started with them.”

“They’re married, Steve. Like super married. Of course it wouldn’t. We’re both single, queer youtubers. Of course shit’s gonna stop. Didn’t your agent or whoever look over your video?”

Steve huffs. “Oh yeah, let me just go hire an agent, cause I have such a need for someone to monitor my every move,” Steve snarked. Billy just looked at him like he had failed to add 2 and 3.

“You’re telling me you, part of one of the biggest channels on Youtube, don’t have an agent?”

“We’re not one of the biggest channels, and we’ve never needed one! We’ve got our team of editors and assistants, no need for some agent.”

“Steve,” Billy says patiently, like he was explaining something to a child, “You have over 4 million subscribers. That’s a big channel.”

“We’re still not one of the biggest channels, dipshit.”

“Oh, I'm the dipshit? I didn’t start a fucking fandom frenzy apparently by accident. Because I was smart and got a fucking agent.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Whatever you say Princess.”

“Stop fucking calling me a princess!” Steve screams, voice booming in the silent conference room. “Why do you do that? Pretty Boy, Princess, Stevie? Just- just stop with the fucking nicknames. It’s not fair.” The second part of his outburst comes out as a whisper, sounding almost desperate.

Billy was at a loss for words, but then again, he had always been more of a man of action.

So he says nothing, only gives a seconds’ thought of what he was going to do, before lunging forward and doing it.

Steve’s next words are muffled as Billy crashes their lips together with absolutely no finesse, teeth clacking. It probably constituted as the worst kiss Billy has ever had, but as he moves back, Steve grabs a fist full of blond locks and pulls him forward. Their

second kiss is far better. By no means is it soft, but that was just par for the course with them wasn’t it?

The kiss comes to a natural ending as they both pull back to breath, before Steve starts to giggle.

“You really need to work on your pick-up lines, Rat King.”

A soft gasp from the doorway cuts off Billy’s retort, and they both turn to see a girl decked out in Youtube merch, including a jacket with the Upside Down Theories logo on it. She had dropped her backpack, and was open-mouthed gaping at the two. Her eyes are as wide as dinner plates as she frantically gathers up her backpack and shoots out of the conference room.

“Chances that this blows up online by tomorrow?” Steve asks, turning to the blond next to him.

“I’m betting in the next two hours, Pretty Boy,” Billy replies.

A wicked smirk creeps onto Steve’s lips as he shrugs and says, “Oops. What was that about getting an agent to help with this stuff?”

---

Aside from this taking FOREVER, I hope you guys enjoy this! It was tons of fun to write.

tag team: @lostnoise @gideongrace @stevefuckingharrington @a-magey @catharrington @trashycatarcade @myboyfriendsteve @thesummerof84 @lightsupinthenorth @smashmouth-hargrove (lmk if you would like to be added/removed from the list!)

#tay writes #AGAIN FINALLY #harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #stranger things #youtuber au #anon asks #tons of fun to write!!!

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salty-ofthe-earth · 4 years

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Hey! You had a post about how to discern religious life but it was erased, could you please post it again or help me? God bless you

Hi! So the original post about discerning religious life was posted from my personal blog, which was deleted when I entered the convent last August. As I have since discerned out of that community, the original post contained many particularities about my life which are no longer true. Below is what I wrote, but somewhat edited to reflect the current situation.

Vocational discernment can be split into two categories. There’s the general, the things that are good recommendations for anyone, and the particular, which has to do with how God particularly reveals His will to each person. God’s call to each person is as unique as they are, so no two vocation stories are the same. I’ll structure this post around general advice.

To reiterate: this is general advice. That means it’s usually a good idea, but there may be reasons why some of these aren’t possible or prudent in your particular circumstances. Being able to apply generalities to specific circumstances can be hard, which is why I recommend getting a spiritual director to do it for you.

Prayer

Daily Eucharistic holy hour. Not everyone has access to the Blessed Sacrament, but if you can pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament, whether exposed or in the Tabernacle, do so. If you can’t make an hour daily, aim for at least 20 minutes daily, and a weekly holy hour can’t hurt. But don’t lie to yourself about how much time you have; if you think something is important, then you’ll make time for it, no matter how busy you are. And if you want to marry Jesus? Well, you should try dating him, as our beloved chaplain has told me numerous times.

Daily Mass. Again, this can be easier or harder depending on your location. At college, it was a 30-minute walk, maximum, to daily Mass, and usually less. If you’re in the Middle Of Nowhere, the closest daily Mass might be an hour away, depending on the day of the week. Be prudent.

Daily Rosary. Entrusting one’s vocation to Mary is a good move, 10/10 recommend. For me, this was particularly fruitful when I shifted my prayer intention from knowing my vocation to praying specifically for a vocation to religious life. Granted, this prayer was said through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth. While I willed to have avocation, I didn’t desire one. (Don’t worry, that has since changed.)

Liturgy of the Hours. While this didn’t play a large part in my discernment (I lack consistency), praying the liturgy of the hours is quite fruitful and can offer insight. Those in religious life pray the liturgy of the hours every single day, so attuning yourself to the prayer of the Church makes the transition to religious life smoother, if in fact you’re called to religious life. Praying the liturgy of the hours steeps you in the prayer of the Church in a way that I can’t quite articulate. You can add in one of the “hours” (they aren’t a whole hour, closer to 15 minutes) at a time. I built the habit by starting with lauds and compline, then added vespers, though I’ve since lost the habit.

Guidance

I am fortunate to have a good spiritual director. One of the things we did was one day sit down, and make a list of things I need to be holy, and the list looked a lot like active religious life. It’s hard to overstate the benefits of having direction from someone wiser and more objective than oneself. I’ll add the caveat, though, that you ought to be serious about your

If there’s a vocations director in your diocese, consider talking to him. If you’re a man considering seminary, then pull out your dang phone, call the dude, and have some coffee or something with him. At the very worst, you’ll have made friends with a priest (!!!). For women, the vocations director who will have a larger role is not the diocesan vocations director but the vocations director for the community/communities you look into.

Books. Read about religious life, about the priesthood, about vocational discernment, even about marriage if you find it beneficial. I’ve read And You Are Christ’s by Fr. Thomas Dubay, S.M. [found it mildly annoying, and thus wrote a couple of salty comments in the margins, but it is theologically solid], Discerning Religious Life by Sr. Clare Matthiass, CFR [less substantive, but heavy on practicals, and comes with a discussion guide for discernment groups], and And Mary’s Yes Continues by the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist [my personal fave, due to my Dominican leanings probably]; all on religious life/discernment. I read To Save a Thousand Souls by Fr. Brett Brannen, on discerning the priesthood and loved it. I never really got around to reading about marriage, though.

Action

Talk to priests or religious! Visit them! If you want to be a sister but have never met one before, then go visit some nearby, and bring your friends. If you are in a place with a lot of young adults, see if you can get them to come to you.

Start or join a discernment group. “To work for another’s vocation is to secure your own,” according to JPII, I think. Women, get your women friends together. Men, get your men friends together. Pray for each other and discuss your possible futures. Read books together.

Go on retreat. I’ll wager that it’s impossible to hear the Lord’s voice amid the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day. You don’t have to go on a vocations retreat to escape into silence and listen for the Lord; many communities (monasteries or convents) will accept individual retreatants, and some have group retreats that are not for vocational discernment. If you have limited time or resources, you might not want to go on retreat unless it’s for vocational discernment with a community, but if you’re in the early stages of discernment, a pressure free weekend with some religious might be exactly what you need. Plus, that’ll be more opportunity to talk to priests or religious, our first item on the list!

Vocations retreats. This isn’t guaranteed. Oftentimes, communities will have you talk with the vocations director before going on retreat with them, and the vocations director may not think that such a retreat would be fruitful to you. I’ve been turned down multiple times for retreats with a couple of different communities. If you’re a woman, you might find that the thrice-yearly retreats hosted by the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist are beneficial, since they’re geared toward women at any stage of discernment.

Attachments

One thing that seriously inhibited my discernment was a strong attachment that I did not want to eliminate. I learned the hard way that until you let go of even the stickiest of your attachments, you can’t discern properly. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be discerning; it does mean that God isn’t going to give you an answer that you aren’t ready to hear. You should at least be able to relinquish everything if God asked you, although that doesn’t mean that you have to drop it all at the moment. I justified my refusal to detach in part because I had the potency to detach, and that was sufficient, right? Maybe in some cases, but I know that I needed the actuality of detachment and was too much of a coward for too long to do it.

Opposite-sex friendships

It’s unfashionable nowadays to caution restraint in opposite-sex friendships. In which case, call me u g l y because I’ve got some tea for you: you have to actually be careful about your opposite-sex friendships. Prudence governs this, as all things. Discernment is analogous to dating in that you’re trying to figure out if you ought to marry a particular Person. Furthermore, even though God is closer to you than you are to yourself, it especially bears similarities to a long-distance relationship. For one, if you decide you don’t want to hear from God, or deliberately make time to spend with Him, then it’s pretty easy for things to fade. God is a little subtler than showing up at your door with flowers; His romantic gestures are closer to giving you a sunny day you didn’t expect, and it takes fostering an awareness of the presence of God to notice them. Secondly, your relationship with God is supernatural. While we interact with God materially through the sacraments, and everything we encounter is an expression of His love for us, the physical presence typical of a romantic relationship isn’t there. This can make it easier to develop an attraction to someone new than it would be if you had someone that you bonded with on the more tangible natural level.

There is a natural attraction between the sexes. Intimacy between members of the opposite-sex tends toward the romantic. This doesn’t mean that every case of close opposite-sex friends is going to end in dating, but it does mean that one has to be prudent. If it’s hard to be friends with that cute dude from bio because you have a crush on him, it’s okay to give yourself distance. Sure, a saint would be able more intimately acquainted with someone and still not develop an attraction. The saints are also able to undergo torture and, like Christ, forgive their persecutors and ask God’s mercy for them. The rest of us aren’t quite that holy (yet), which is why it’s prudent for us to avoid, as far as we are able, occasions of anger. Furthermore, we don’t (or at least we shouldn’t) get overly frustrated with ourselves and think we’re terrible people because we find it hard to love people who hurt us. Likewise, you’re not a terrible person if you find it hard to be in a close friendship without being attracted to someone. If the close friend needs to become a casual friend, if the casual friend needs to become an acquaintance, that’s okay. However, the analogy to anger is not perfect, because that we should work to eradicate anger from within us (see Ephesians 4:31), being attracted to someone isn’t per se bad. If you’re seriously discerning (that is, you want to know for certain whether or not you’re called to religious life, and you won’t start dating unless you get an unequivocal “No,” from the Lord) then you have to shut that attraction down, because it will only drown out the opportunity to hear what the Lord is whispering to you. If dating is still on the table, then you need not be as strict. As Paul says,

“If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries; but such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.” – 1 Corinthians 7:28

If you’re not sure where you fall on the spectrum of “sorta looking into religious life” to “seriously discerning a call,” the rule of thumb that the good Padre uses for dating is that you shouldn’t start dating exclusively unless you think God is calling you to marry that person. I’d modify it slightly for discernment: you should start dating the Lord exclusively if you think He is calling you to religious life.

Notes:

Unfortunately, it is common that churches be locked during the day and thus unavailable for prayer. One thing you can do is talk to the priest, and ask if he’d be willing to unlock it so that you can pray. Even if you can’t pray with the Blessed Sacrament, setting aside time for contemplative prayer, perhaps with images to focus on, is important.

If you live in a rural area, don’t have your own transportation, have necessary work or obligations to your family that are incompatible with daily Mass times, or all of the above, it may not be reasonable to expect to go to daily Mass. But if you’re say, a college student in a big city with a flexible schedule and many nearby churches, then ax a couple of episodes of Netflix and go receive our Lord in the Eucharist.

#religious life #priesthood #celibacy #discernment #Catholic #ask #general discernment masterpost

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fizzyxcustard · 5 years

Text

Mistake.

Requested to be re-uploaded from AO3 and my previous blog by @nowiloveandwilllove

AO3 page here.

Masterlist here

Pairings: Richard Armitage x Fem!Reader, Lee Pace x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Bad language

Notes/Comments: Any imagines can be requested as fics. Also any of my older fics from AO3 can be requested as re-posts. This was originally posted over 3 parts, but I’ve decided to just post it as a big one shot.

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You missed Richard. In every sense. His laugh, his voice, his touch. There was nothing about him you didn’t miss. You wanted to be held, kissed, made love to. And it was becoming frustrating. So much so that you were pleasuring yourself most nights, especially when you had been talking to him on the phone. He was currently filming Hannibal in Canada, and you had agreed to accompany Lee Pace, Richard’s friend and Hobbit co-star to Hobbit Con in Bonn, Germany.

The hustle and bustle of the convention centre kept you occupied. And since you had agreed not to directly communicate with Lee, you kept yourself out of the way and scoured through all the merchandise at the large halls. Richard and Lee had agreed that you being seen with Lee would arouse suspicions of something going on between you both, seeing as rumours of yours and Richard’s year long relationship had already surfaced in online forums and social media.

Nights were the worst. You lay in bed in your hotel room which was next door to Lee’s and cried. You reached into the empty space beside you, wanting Richard there.

On the last night of being in Germany, your flight home at eleven the following morning, you decided to go and spend time with Lee. He had become a good friend of yours also, and Richard specifically wanted you both to attend the convention together so you had company. Richard had used his subtle persuasion to get you a ticket to the event free of charge.

You knocked on Lee’s door and waited. Then the door opened and the huge form of Lee towered before you. “Hey, girl, I was just about to order some wine. Do you want to join me?” he asked, giving you a big smile.

“Yeah, okay,” you replied, walking into the room. It was a typical man’s room: clothes on the floor, clothes in the chair; laptop, phone and charger on the desk in an untidy heap.

Lee called downstairs on the phone next to the bed, ordering a large bottle of red wine for two. You sat in the chair opposite the bed, but first had to take his worn clothing from it. “Sorry,” he said, grabbing the clothing from you, a gentle blush of embarrassment washing his face. “I need to pack shortly. I haven’t had chance to catch up with you today. How are things?”

You began to speak as Lee threw his clothing into his open suitcase, now and again turning to look at you. “It was okay. I just miss Richard,” you admitted, putting your head down. “It’s hard being without him for long stints, especially at night.”

“I get that, I really do,” Lee answered. He stopped the task in hand and sat down on the bed, looking at you. “This was why he asked for you to come with me. He knows that you get a bit lonely, and wanted you to be doing something exciting. It’s a lonely life in general for an actor sometimes.”

“I don’t know how you do it,” you replied.

Once the wine had arrived, Lee poured you a glass and offered it to you. You gladly took it from him, and allowed the warm liquid to glide down your throat, easing your tension. Your conversation continued, it mainly being around some of the fan questions Lee has been asked, and then his plans to go home to upstate New York to spend time with his dogs, and then begin work again.

“I know Richard wouldn’t mind but you're more than welcome to stay with me for a few nights if you want,” Lee offered. “The flight out was free with your ticket here anyway, and I can help with your flight back to the States. Don’t go back to England and be by yourself.”

You smiled at Lee, thankful for this thoughtful nature. He really had become a very close friend to you and Richard. By now you were sat on the bed next to him with your leg tucked under yourself. Without even realising the gap between you both had started to close. You wanted that comfort, that warmth, the intimacy. God, you missed Richard...with everything inside you.

“I don’t want to be on my own,” you whispered, looking at Lee.

“You don’t have to be,” he replied. And within a few seconds, his lips were against yours. Briefly you felt that long overdue warmth spread through you, but the cold, harsh reality of who you were kissing shot through your conscious mind like a bullet. And you gasped, pulling away from Lee.

***

Tension sat between you and Lee, becoming so tight that you could not breathe. Richard rang and text you every day, asking how you were and all you could do was lie and say everything was fine. Fine. Things were far from fine. You were staying at Lee’s home in upstate New York, not wanting to be alone, and all you could do was replay that haunting memory of kissing him, and it was ripping you apart with guilt and shame. Your need for companionship and intimacy had taken over, temporarily over ruling your love and devotion to Richard. But you had to tell him what had happened between you and Lee. There was no way you could hold it back from him; Richard deserved to know.

The day arrived, seeming to come around with lightning speed, when you were to see Richard back at his apartment. Lee had been kind enough to drive you down to the city, and the whole time you had been silent in the car, watching the buildings and vehicles flash past you in a motion stricken blur. “I’m going to tell him,” you said suddenly, breaking the silence.

“Who?” Lee asked, looking across at you.

You never even looked at Lee as you replied. “Richard. He needs to know what happened. I love him far too much to keep this from him, and if it means he breaks up with me, then so be it. I can’t lie to him and act as though everything is fine.”

“We could both potentially lose him,” Lee said sadly. “He’s a damn good friend to me.”

“And that’s why he needs to know, Lee. We both betrayed him, and I can’t live with myself and this weight.” You began to sob, seeing Richard’s face before your eyes as you closed them from the outside world. “I was stupid and weak, giving in to what I was craving.”

“We both were....”

Lee dropped you off outside Richard’s apartment block, saying his farewells to you. “It’ll all work out how it’s meant to,” he said with a sigh and then gave you a weak smile before helping you with your suitcase from the back of the car and then disappeared down the street.

You walked into the lobby of the apartment block, trying to avert eye contact from the staff there, and head to the elevator.

Your breathing became quicker and your palms sweat as you approached Richard’s apartment door, knowing he was inside. “Please, help me,” you prayed.

You knocked.

Richard’s bright smile greeted you and then he took your hand, gently pulling you inside. You choked back the tears as he took you in his arms, closing the door and then kissed you softly. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, brushing his hand down your face and smiling down at you, his blue eyes alight with so much happiness. You were about to break all of that apart.

“I...missed you, too,” you wept. Then you pulled away.

He whispered your name and wound his arm around your middle, pulling you closer. “What’s the matter, angel?” His face was full of concern for you.

You looked up at him, breaking even further inside. “I kissed Lee,” you said, the words tumbling from your mouth in one stroke.

Richard’s eyes widened, and then his brow furrowed and he looked away, shifting from you. He turned his back to you, his head down.

“I’ll leave,” you said. “I’m sorry.” There was no consolation you could offer to the man you loved after such an act.

As you left the apartment quickly, pulling your suitcase behind you, you never spoke a further word to him, or he to you. But as you closed the door behind you, you jumped at the sudden sound of something smashing inside.

You looked up at the ceiling, feeling the tears flow down your cheeks, and you walked away.

***

You sat in a coffee shop two blocks away from Richard’s apartment and you stared out the window, watching the yellow cabs zip past. Everyone was going about their lives, not caring that you had broken your lover’s heart by being selfish and kissing his best friend just because you were lonely.

Suddenly your phone rang and Richard’s name flashed on the screen. Your heart leapt in your chest and you reached across the table to pick it up, your hand shaking. You closed your eyes, breathing deeply and answered. “Hello?”

“Where are you?” he asked simply. “Come back and we can talk. You have nowhere to go.”

“I’ll find somewhere,” you replied, sighing. “There are plenty of hotels.”

“No, you’ll come back,” he demanded. “I’ll come and find you if I have to. I’m not having you walking the streets when I have...” he stopped. “I have...a spare room.”

You could see the way this was going from here. Of course Richard didn’t intend to continue your relationship; he felt that he needed to make sure you were safe until you could get home, continuing to be the gentleman he naturally was.

The conversation drifted off as an awkward silence weighed heavily between you both. Until Richard spoke again. “Where are you? I’ll come to you.”

You knew full well that Richard would not stand down so easily; in the rare times that you had argued or debated, he stood up to you and would not back down, and this was going to be one of those times. You sensed it, and with another sigh, you told him where you were.

And ten minutes later he appeared at the door, stepping inside and looked around the almost empty coffee shop. His eyes fell on you as you sat alone on the right hand side of the building next to the window with a still full mug of chai coffee at your arm.

Richard never ordered anything and sat opposite you. You couldn’t even look him in the eye, still ashamed of your betrayal.

“Look at me, please,” he whispered.

Hearing his voice with a pleading edge made you cry, and in response, to your amazement, he took your hand. “There are things you aren’t telling me,” he said, and that was when you finally looked at him. The guilt was consuming you. How could you have betrayed the very man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? The man you hoped one day would be your husband and father of your children. Did he even want that with you?

“I miss you when you’re not with me, and I know I’m selfish to expect you to be with me all the time...but we’re apart for weeks at a time, and I love you...” you sobbed, feeling his hand tighten around yours. “I wanted your warmth, to be able to lie next to you, curl up in your arms. I’m so alone without you.”

You were terrified at Richard’s response to your confession and you looked at him, bracing yourself. But he just smiled weakly at you, nudging in closer so he was leaning across the table.

“I’ve contemplated asking you a few times if you’d travel with me. But I...” he stopped and swallowed hard. “I...erm, wasn’t sure if you were serious enough to want to.”

“Of course I’m serious about you. Why didn’t you think I was?” you said loudly, not caring if any of the other customers heard.

“I’ll be straight with you: when we met, I didn’t want a relationship. My job was everything; I’ve had opportunities given to me and I wanted to pursue them, and I didn’t care about much else. But deep down I want to settle down, angel, and maybe I’ve been scared I’d never find it. I feel I have...with you. I didn’t know if you wanted what I do from the relationship.”

You couldn’t help but smile at him. “I’d be happy to come with you wherever you go. And I want us to be settled as well. More than anything.”

Richard leaned further across the table and kissed you softly. Then he drew away, looking you in the eyes. “Forgive yourself for what’s happened. You told me straight, and that shows how honest you are. Let’s move on.”

#Richard armitage #lee pace #real person fiction #fanfiction #writing #request #repost from original blog #Richard armitage x reader #Richard armitage x you #Richard armitage x fem!reader #lee pace x reader #lee pace x you #lee pace x fem!reader #kissing another man

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dominic-tiger-marketing-agency · 3 years

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I Asked 1.7 Million People About Remote Work. Here’s What They Said

Remember when this was supposed to last two weeks?

It’s now been nearly nine months since many of us have stepped foot in the office. In that time, remote work has gone from being a novelty to being the norm. Talk of returning to the office has faded as the virus surges, and many employers are instead planning for a permanent “virtual-first” future.

Since May, I’ve been trying to capture attitudes and predictions about remote work using a tool very close to my heart: social media. I have a community of nearly 2 million passionate professional followers on social media. Every few weeks, I’ve surveyed them using poll features.

At first glance, the results — gathered below—might not appear mind-blowing. We pretty much like working from home. We’re saving a ton of time by not commuting. The tech isn’t perfect, but it’s getting there.

But to me, all of this speaks to something much deeper: how incredibly quickly we’ve been able to adapt to working from home; how long overdue we were for a work “revolution;” how many important questions remain unanswered.

A couple caveats and clarifications. I’m not an expert in data or surveys. I was just curious, and realized I had access to an incredible group of professionals. The ten polls (presented chronologically below) were shared to my 1.7-million-plus LinkedIn followers over the course of six months, starting in May. Each question ended up generating from 2,000–13,000 votes, so a pretty decent sample size IMO. Just as valuable are the dozens (sometimes hundreds!) of comments left by users on each poll, full of strategies and insights on our new WFH reality.

A big thanks to Stephanie Horstkoetter, who suggested compiling all of these results in one place!

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This first poll, from early May, was an eye-opener. Just a couple months into lock-down, and seven out of 10 people were ready to throw in the towel when it came to office life. To me, this was a clear sign that the way we work had been long overdue for a makeover. Out of convention and habit, we had clung to an in-person model, even though technology had opened up a range of other possibilities … until the crisis forced our hand.

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This poll, from early June, got to the heart of one of the early concerns around remote work, i.e. were people still getting the job done? What surprised me was that nearly eight out of 10 people felt they were getting more done at home than in the office. To think: all that time we thought we needed desks and cubicles and managers looking over our shoulders to stay on task. Turns out, many of us are best left to design our own work days.

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So, obviously remote work is going to shave off a ton of commuting time. But what stood out to me from this poll in late June was how much time! More than half of respondents got back one-two hours of their day, while nearly a quarter suddenly had an extra two-plus hours of time. For lots of people, that’s life-changing. Not to mention, that all translates to fewer cars on the road and massive reductions in emissions.

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This poll, from July, was a clear indication that remote work wasn’t necessarily working for everyone. More than four out of ten respondents reported missing out on the social interactions that are such a core part of office life. Translation: we’ve found ways to get the job done remotely using Zoom, Slack, etc., but we’ve got a long way to go when it comes to making that experience rewarding and fulfilling for everyone.

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Hustle and grit are values that I put a lot of stock in, as an entrepreneur and as a leader. For all the challenges we’ve faced this year, it’s been inspiring to see how many people are using this as an opportunity to take charge of their careers, as this poll from August shows. For some, this has meant starting a business of their own. For others, it’s been about learning new ways to do their job, under new conditions. But resting on our laurels doesn’t seem to be a popular option!

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Another elephant in the room when it comes to remote work: we need better tools to do it right. Based on this poll from September, it looks like people are actually OK with Zoom and video conferencing. But there’s a real need for apps that help to manage productivity, as well as platforms to enrich remote onboarding and culture. I see both of these as huge areas of opportunity for tech startups in the years to come.

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As the reality of long-term remote work set in, I think lots of us realized that we needed to start rethinking benefits and perks. Office gyms and catered lunches don’t make sense during a pandemic, so what do people really need right now? Topping the results from this poll in September: benefits to support health and wellness, particularly mental health. With school closures continuing, coming up with solutions for childcare is also critical.

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This poll from early October is kind of a mindblower to me: one out of two respondents is doing more gig work since the pandemic started. This speaks, in part, to how deep the accompanying economic crisis is. But it also says something about the shifting nature of work. My theory: remote work has accelerated already weakening ties between employer and employee. People are realizing that they can go it on their own, without a support network, and are taking that plunge.

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The deeper we get into remote work, the clearer it’s becoming that a one-size-fits-all approach won’t work. As this poll from late October shows, the overwhelming majority of people want to spend at least some time inside a traditional office setting. Employers are quickly realizing that the way forward lies with a hybrid model — virtual-first but with significant in-office components.

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This poll from early November reveals a good news-bad news situation, at least in my eyes. On the one hand, nearly two-thirds of respondents say they’re great at managing themselves in the work-from-home context. However, the remaining third either miss the office environment or are having serious issues sustaining productivity remotely. It’s also worth bearing in mind that these results probably skew a little optimistically. Translation: as remote work continues, it’s going to be incumbent on employers to provide structure and help team members up-level their self-management skills.

Zooming out, what’s exciting to me about all of these stats is the undercurrent of optimism and possibility. The crisis has (and continues to be) exceptionally hard in so many ways — from a health and safety standpoint, emotionally, economically, etc. But when it comes to the way we work, it seems to have jumpstarted important changes that needed to be made. With each passing week, it’s less likely we’ll return to “business as usual,” and that may well be a good thing.

Our challenge now is to build on some of this momentum, while addressing the gaps that have emerged. Policy, technology and culture all need time to catch up to our new work-from-home reality. But for entrepreneurs and companies out there, this all presents significant opportunities in the years ahead.

A big thank you to everyone who responded to these polls over the past six months or so. I think these insights are worth sharing, and I plan to continue gathering data on the remote work experience in the months ahead.

On that note: What survey questions would you like to see asked about remote work? What areas need to be explored? What are the pressing issues you’d like to know more about? Let me know in the comments.

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differentjokes4differentfolks · 7 years

Text

Where’s the Fun in This? Chap 1

I decided to post the first chap of my fic here before on ao3. Hope you guys like it! It was fun to write :)

It starts with an explosion.

Rather, a message to Bruce about an explosion. One over at Arkham Asylum. It’s a common enough occurrence, criminals escaping every once in awhile. Bruce is no stranger to these calls. It’s maybe a night-long job. So this isn’t the fact that this happened that worries him.

It’s all about the timing. The week before the Gotham City gala, an annual charity ball. Normally this wouldn’t bother him either, but it’s the matter of who escaped. Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin. One of the wealthiest criminals running the underground, able to entice others with his riches and mingle with high society. All this screams out Something is wrong to Bruce. Oswald’s ambitious, but surely not ambitious enough to try anything at the gala, right?

Except due to the timing of this breakout, that seems to be the plan exactly. And Bruce can’t let that happen.

Of course it would happen on a relatively quiet night.

“They can never give me a day off,” Bruce mutters to himself halfheartedly. It’s no less than he expected. When you turn vigilante there aren’t many opportunities to slack off. New plots, new villains. Always crime and attempts at shaking up what most Gothamites would consider an otherwise normal life.

Bruce gets ready, putting on his batsuit carefully, the heavy but flexible armour a second skin to him. He passes Alfred in the lab, his butler always at the ready when he dons his suit.

“Sir, are you sure you won’t have Master Tim help you? He needs more experience, and this seems like an eventful evening.”

“Exactly. This feels off, even for Gotham, and I don’t want him in the middle. Just because one criminal escaped doesn’t mean there aren’t more on the loose. Arkham and Blackgate can’t hold all of them, you know.

“Agreed. Promise you’ll be careful.”

Bruce remains silent, both men knowing how easy it would be to break that promise. “I’ll tell you if something comes up, Alfred. Does Oracle know?”

“I believe so sir, she should be in contact with you when she finds something.”

Bruce gives a small nod, reassured. He strides off to the garage, starting up the Batmobile, ready to head into Gotham and investigate. The door opens and he drives off, the sky just beginning to darken into the inky grey that complements the city lights in the distance. The long road is empty as usual, save the stray greenery. His car’s lights are the only thing illuminating the darkness, his focus on the road, the skyline getting closer. The sooner this night ends the better, but Bruce knows he’ll be spending a fair amount of time on finding out what’s really going on in the dark city.

His car skids to a stop a short way away from the GCPD, hidden in the shadows while Bruce goes to discuss Gotham’s goings-on with Commissioner Gordon. He grapples to the top of the building, messaging Gordon. The man appears a short time later, hair whipping at his wind and clothes in the cool autumn air.

“So you’ve heard.”

“What happened at Arkham?”

Gordon shakes his head. “Beyond the fact that someone blew up a wall to escape? Not much. We know it’s Cobblepot, but reports are sketchy on whether or not anyone else is gone. The asylum is in chaos, I’m told. I have some of my men headed over.”

Bruce nods, his mask-clad face hiding his expression. “I need to find Cobblepot. Keep me posted.” Usually Alfred’s get the information sooner, but right now Bruce will take any hint he can get.

He stands at the edge of the building, ready to get back to the Batmobile, Gordon watching.

“I’ll have some men patrolling, I’ll make sure they know not to shoot you,” he calls after him.

Bruce smirks, diving off the roof without responding. The police force is made up of people who like and hate him, no doubt there would be some asshole ready to shoot without a second thought. Tonight it’ll be more of an irritation than usual, but he has bigger things to worry about.

To start, he decides on visiting the Penguin’s usual hangouts. It’s as good a place as any to start, in his opinion. He won’t bother with Penguin’s club though, it’d be futile to search it, Penguin knows it’s the first place he’d search. It’s also suicide since he has many alliances in his club, and no doubt by now they know he’ll be hiding from Bruce.

Bruce parks the Batmobile to the side, grappling to the closest tall building around Chinatown, which is one of the few areas that the nights see hustle and bustle. Any hint of suspicious activity and he focuses on the person causing it. Some are common thieves, running away from the few cops on patrol in the small part of Gotham. While the area is a perfect place for distraction, nothing too serious goes on. The police catch the thief, a young man clutching an old woman’s purse. Likely the most serious crime the police will have to deal with here. He leaves that to them, scanning the area intently while he waits for either a message from Alfred or Oracle.

For the most part Chinatown is uneventful, Bruce growing antsy and realising this must not be where Penguin has disappeared to. Next he decides to check the nearby Diamond District, hoping for a bit more of a lead. He calls the Batmobile over, driving off.

There are a few misdeeds he comes across, but it’s quiet again. Old Gotham is one of the likeliest places at this point, some criminals decide to hide under the GCPD’s nose. This would work, except for the fact Gordon would probably have noticed something by now. Or even Oracle, who has been silent this whole time. Why does tonight feel so different from every other? Something feels...off kilter.

Bruce shakes off the feeling. Maybe I should go check Old Gotham, just in case. It won’t do much harm. Who knows, maybe Gordon did overlook something.

“Batman?” A wave of relief washes over Bruce when he hears Oracle's voice.

“Have you found something?”

“Nothing too serious, but there are a few thugs around on Founder’s Island. They haven’t mentioned anything of importance yet. I’ll keep you updated.”

“Thank you, Oracle.”

“No problem.” Oracle signs off. At least he has that area under surveillance. He drives over to Old Gotham, doing a quick sweep on the streets before deciding to traverse the tops of buildings. He rests at the top of a bridge near the GCPD, the city lights illuminating the streets below. The only thing to do now is watch and wait, he supposes.

A half-hour goes by like this with no hint of trouble. Bruce decides on ten more minutes, if nothing happens by then he’ll go check one of the other areas not yet searched. The cold air barely penetrates his suit, and he thanks the extra padding. He would surely be frozen by now if not for the suit. He shifts, eyes refocusing. It isn’t quite relaxing being up here, but he is rather tired, nothing bothering to keep him awake and after two nights hunting down Dent before this being exhausted. Maybe...

“So, I’ve been thinking.”

It takes all Bruce’s willpower not to jump, losing his concentration until his focus on searching for Penguin (or taking a quick nap) fades from his thoughts. The one person he doesn’t need to see today, Joker stands next to him, leaning against a pillar, and if he had spoken up Bruce would never have noticed him. He sends the Joker a half-hearted scowl, trying to maintain just a bit of focus and eyeing the roads.

“What are you doing here, Joker?”

Joker grins nonchalantly, hands in his pockets. His face is a picture of innocence, despite the war paint meant to intimidate. He’s anything but innocent, and despite his casual pose Bruce sees the glint in Joker’s eyes. It’s a giveaway. Nothing about this is casual. A week before the Gotham City gala and Penguin decides to break out of Arkham, leaving everything up in the air. Part of a wall at Arkham Asylum was blown up, from the outside, allowing him to escape and leaving guards too off-guard to react quickly. He hasn’t heard much since then, though he put Alfred in charge of getting the footage of what really happened.

“I was in the area.” Bruce snorts. A hundred feet in the air on a bridge, lying in wait for Two-Face, isn’t the most conventional rendezvous point, especially when the Joker is supposed to be behind bars at Arkham. “Still looking for Oz, huh? Bats, he’s only been missing for what? Two hours? Nothing’s really happened in that time, why so stressed? It’d be different if it was me, of course,” he chuckles at Bruce’s unimpressed glare, “But Ozzy, well, he’s not worth your time.”

“He’s planning something.”

“Hmm.” Joker hums noncommittally, taking his left hand out of his pocket and inspecting his sharp nails. He side-eyes Bruce, letting his hand rest at his side. “You know, if you were gonna worry about anything, I thought it’d be about Dent.” Bruce watches the streets, waiting for a call from Alfred or Oracle. “He’s still in Arkham. I just put him there.”

“He is? That’s news to me, Bats-old-boy. You know, he was my neighbour in Arkham. I tend to notice when the cells next to me are empty. No banging on walls or muttering curses.”

That clicks in Bruce’s mind. It’s one thing for Joker to escape from Arkham on occasion, maybe taking someone along for the ride, but for both Dent and Cobblepot to have escaped?

“I was told Cobblepot was alone when he escaped.”

“Oh, he was. It took the chaos that ensued after for Cobblepot to escape. Me? Well, I might have taken advantage too. I’m just breathing in as much fresh air as I can before you lock me back up. That won’t be for a while though, don’t worry,” he shoots a look at Bruce. “I’m just here for conversation.”

This doesn’t reassure Bruce. “And you weren’t the one to help them escape at all?”

Joker feigns a hurt expression. “Me? I thought you knew me better. I look out for myself. But between you and me…” Joker’s voice turns a little darker, eyes narrowing. “I don’t think Harvey and Oz were planning on me getting out.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

Another shrug. “I was going batty in there,” he laughs at the pun, smirking at Bruce. “In truth, I missed you.” He bats his eyes flirtatiously, his smile teasing, and Bruce fights the urge to punch the clown in the face. Said clown pouts at Bruce’s expression.

“What? No reciprocation of feelings? No, ‘my closest enemy was behind bars and I’ve had nothing to do, woe is me’?” I’m wounded, truly I am.”

“You have five seconds before I throw you back into Arkham.” Although I should be doing that anyway… However, tonight was not a good night for Joker’s antics, regardless. He’d deal with him later.

“Alright, alright. Geez, always so uptight. Just a tip? Make sure you check the docks. You never know what you’ll find there.” He pats Bruce on the back as he passes. “Nice cowl by the way. New suit? The colour matches your personality.” Joker giggles, turning away and walking down the length of the bridge’s tower. Bruces closes his eyes with a heavy sigh. When he looks up, the Joker’s gone. Great, another problem. But what did he expect? This was Gotham, after all.

His comm beeps, a tinny sound that barely breaks through the noise of the city.

“Alfred?”

“Sir, have you found any traces of Mr. Cobblepot?”

“No. Dent is gone too...and Joker.” Bruce can just barely pick up on Alfred’s sigh.

“Oh dear. Do you know where they might be?”

Bruce was about to say, “Not yet” before pausing. Joker had told him about the docks. The question was, was that tip trustworthy? The clown had no proof of ever having been trustworthy, to Bruce’s knowledge, and when he was telling the truth, it came at a price. But there aren’t any other leads, both The Penguin and Dent aren’t known for being subtle, but he hasn’t heard a peep from either. “I...got a tip from Joker that I should check the dock.”

“And you’re sure you can trust this?” He knows the suspicious tone of voice Alfred has, it’s the same running through his mind.

“No. But it’s the only thing we have to go on at the moment, and I don’t want this to go on longer than it has to.”

There’s a silence between the two, both knowing what a bad idea it is. Then again, chasing after villains in a batsuit isn’t on the top of the list of good ideas for most people.

“I assume you won’t be back in time for dinner, Master Bruce,” Alfred says dryly.

“I’ll be back soon if I can, for all we know the docks are completely empty.” Something in the back of his mind says there must be something there, though he has no basis for his thoughts. Seeing as nothing’ll get done if he just stays in one place. He jumps into the open air, using his batclaw to traverse the city and approach the docks. With luck, he’ll find something.

The docks are eerie at night, the only noises being the sea breeze and waves crashing against the dock, containment units littering the place, piled up and towering over Bruce. The wind whistles through the units, adding a sort of creaking to the already tense atmosphere. Bruce walks along the units, relying on shadows to not give him away. So far there’s been no sign of anything odd going on, to Bruce’s relief and disappointment. There isn’t even a whisper of wrongdoing. Alfred has control over the cameras, he hasn’t seen much either.

“Psst!”

Bruce flinches, freezing in place and glancing around.

“Bats.” And there he is, in all his green and purple glory. The Joker waves Bruce over impatiently, waiting for Bruce to join him at his side. Bruce rolls his eyes but runs to him. “Fancy meeting you here,” Joker says, peering around one of the giant metal boxes around them.

“Why are you here?” And how did you show up before me?

“I wasn’t sure if you’d follow up on my tip, thought maybe I should infiltrate their base myself,” Joker says with a wide grin. Bruce realises had he not come, or had he come a little later, the docks might be full of laughing gas or blown up by now.

“I can do this myself,” Bruce tells the Joker sternly. “Maybe you should get back to Arkham.”

Despite the fact both need to be silent in order to sneak around, Joker laughs. “And miss out on all the fun? Not likely. Besides, I know exactly where they are.”

“And how would you know that?”

Joker raises an eyebrow. “I have my ways. Now are you gonna come with me or should I knock you out and leave you for the cops to find?” He strolls off, and Bruce knows that the clown knows he’ll follow.

“You’re sure Dent and Cobblepot will be here?”

“Pretty sure.” An answer Bruce expects but doesn’t appreciate. They walk through the maze of metal, Joker leading Bruce towards the far end of the dock. As they get closer to the end Joker grows more and more annoyed, a tense giggle here and there, some mumbling under his breath. Bruce isn’t entirely sure if he should’ve let Joker come with at all, he looks perfectly homicidal. He watches, and Joker notices, corner of his lips turned up in a grim smile.

“I never told you why I’m so interested in this, did I?”

Bruce shakes his head, wondering if the clown will elaborate. He speaks after a moment.

“I’m not interested. Not really. Isn’t that insane? Hmm, maybe too crazy for me.” Bruce does his best not to laugh at that, Joker continuing his ramble. “Well first they took over my base, which is a no-no in my book of rules. Then, Oz broke his promise. I wouldn’t mind so much if it hadn’t been the one thing keeping us on relatively good terms, but,” Joker waves his hand flippantly. “C’est la vie, I guess.” Bruce wonders what that broken promise is.

But he can’t help but be skeptical about this Joker wanting to help, so many times it’s been part of an elaborate trap. “What makes you so sure I trust you on this?”

Joker doesn’t talk, but his smile grows a little forced. He turns away, leaving Bruce to mull over his words without a hint. It unsettles him.

Rain starts to fall within minutes, a light drizzle that makes the night even darker. The Joker glances up at the sky, grumbling a bit. Bruce wonders if his makeup would run. He guesses not, since he’s never seen that happen and rain was a common occurrence in the city. Come to think of it, Joker might have been scarier with running mascara, if only due to the anger from his makeup being out of place. He smiles despite himself. Joker looks back at him, catching the smile.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” Bruce says simply, the corners of his mouth back in his usual expression. It clearly isn’t the answer Joker wants, but it’s the one the clown got. Joker frowns, the expression grotesque with his lipstick still in a smile at the ends. So his makeup was staying in place. Learn something new every day. It brings back Bruce’s smile.

“Okay, now you have to tell me.”

It’s a losing battle from the start, if Bruce holds it back, Joker could very well get angry, and an angry Joker is and unpredictable one. If he tells, he has a 50/50 chance of being gutted, as opposed to 100. It’s a no brainer.

“Is your makeup water resistant?”

Joker blinks. And blinks again, smile frozen in place. “This is what you’re on about?” He rolls his eyes. “Yes. It’d be awful if I had to reapply every five minutes. I can’t believe this is what makes you laugh,” he mumbles under his breath. Bruce waits as his companion shakes his head with a snort of disbelief. “Bats, if you survive this I’m going to teach you what’s really funny.” It’s a passing remark with an edge. Before Bruce can read into it too much, Joker pulls at his cape. “C’mon, we’re almost there.”

They turn and turn, going around bends and through opened units, into a section Bruce wouldn’t have found quickly without Joker’s help. It’s still empty, but there’s a thrum of machinery nearby.

“What is this place?”

“Well, originally it was one of my hang-outs. Me and Harley would come here to disappear for a bit. Now? Who knows, maybe Harv and Ozzy are trying to form an army. Not their style, I’ll admit, but whatever. And I thought they were my friends.” A silence falls, Bruce refusing to remark on the fact that most of Joker’s friends end up in a gutter. Joker shrugs, opening his mouth to speak when a crashing noise sounds across the area. Bruce pushes Joker into the shadows, the clown making an indignant sound at being pressed against the walls with no warning. Footsteps follow the loud noise, as well as an obnoxious voice that Bruce knows to be Oswald Cobblepot.

“Can’t you bastards do anything right?” He growls over the sounds. Bruce can just make out his silhouette inside a unit, waving his umbrella. “I told you to move this thing an hour ago!”

“What on earth are they doing with my couch?” Joker growls near Bruce’s ear. Bruce notices it’s a couch the men are carrying, a gaudy bright green monstrosity that hurts to look at. He also notices the men seem to be struggling with the object, surprising since both the henchmen look able to carry 500 pounds each.

His observations and questions are answered when the men drop the couch to the floor, cutting a slit in the cushions. One of the men pulls out a rocket launcher.

“I forgot that was in there,” Joker says, giggling quietly. The men pull out gun after gun, including revolvers, machine guns, and every sort in between. “Are they going to--yup, they are,” he says as the two men watch the henchmen unscrewing the couch’s decorations at the ends of the armrests, pulling out a collection of grenades. “Damn.”

As interesting as this is, Bruce has other things on his mind. “Where’s Dent?”

“Still inside is my guess. They must’ve turned my place upside down. Too bad, I have some nice trinkets in there. Ah well, I’ll get them back for it later. I don’t think we’ll be able to get in this way, but I have a secret entrance, it’s this way.” Joker scurries off without another sound. Bruce watches Penguin for another few moments before following yet again. He resigns to the fact that Joker will be leading the whole time. Joker has always been fast, maintaining a steady lead on Bruce and rarely taking the time to make sure he hasn’t lost him. It’s insane, Joker trusts that Bruce will follow him. And he’s right. Bruce puffs out a sigh.

The secret entrance turns out to be nothing more than a passage into the nearby sewers. Joker jumps willingly into the murky water. Bruce jumps a little after him, relieved his suit is waterproof. The smell is overpowering. As they trudge along wind whips around them, carrying noises with it. A brief shudder runs down Bruce’s spine as he remembers this used to be Killer Croc’s domain. He sincerely hopes Croc wasn’t one to jump at the chance to escape tonight. Humming cuts through the air, a slightly off-key waltz coming from Joker. It’s almost pretty, but doesn’t allow for quiet recon.

“Can you quiet down?” Bruce says. Joker’s hum cuts off.

“Don’t worry so much, no one’ll hear me. Besides, these tunnels make me antsy. I got stuck in them once, trying to get out. There are some things you just don’t want to see in these dank sewers, Batsy.” The humming starts up again, slightly quieter. Bruce doesn’t say anything else, tailing silently. Hardly any light can be seen, until he brings out a flashlight. Their shadows tower over them on the walls, adding to the creepy atmosphere.

“Master Bruce?” Alfred’s voice surprises hum, despite the fact no one else can hear he can’t help but watch for a reaction of recognition from Joker.

“I can’t talk much, I’m in the sewers with Joker,” he said into his comm with a low voice. He listens for Joker’s humming, which still carries. He hasn’t heard.

“I see. I wanted to say Arkham has sorted through some of the chaos. Only three have been reported missing so far, Mr. Dent, Mr. Cobblepot, and of course, the Joker. I’m looking at the footage now, and it seems Dent had some outside help. This must have been planned for a while.”

“I’m starting to see that. Can you find out if-”

“Ooh, you orderin’ a pizza?” Joker leans close to Bruce, talking into the comm. “I’ll have pepperoni and sausage with tomato--” Bruce pushes him away, barely hearing Alfred’s bemused words before hanging up.

“Rude. And I was just warming up to you too.” Joker sticks his tongue out at Bruce. “Might want to work on your attitude if we’re to be working together, dear.” Bruce clenches his jaw.

“Are we almost there?”

“Yeah. We actually do need to be quiet now though, I dunno if anyone’s close to the entrance.” Joker whispers. He presses his hands to the wall, pressing down on one until it moves with a slight groan. Part of the wall slides, Joker helping it along before sliding through. “No one’s here, thank goodness!” Bruce hopes he’s telling the truth, but assumes he’d hear gunshots and shout if he was lying. He enters after the clown, sliding the wall back to a close. Time to investigate.

#batjokes #batman #joker #my writing #its most likely gonna be a bit of a slow burn #oops #enjoy!#fanfic #batman x joker

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creepingdarkness · 7 years

Text

The tattoo expo

wordcount: 2k ish

warnings: swearing

notes: slightly rushed because I really wanted to post something. ao3 here

Luke had an attraction to tattoos. It was something about the way it seemed to bring peoples skin to life, the swirls and patterns marked into their skin giving a glimpse into the heart of the person they were a part of. Whether they were well planned out or just a spur of the moment thing, they were like an open window into a part of their life. There was an intoxicating beauty to art that someone found worthy to permanently add to their body.

So of course when Jon asked if he’d go with him to the tattoo convention that was coming to town he had immediately agreed. He had gone with Jon a few of the times he’d gotten pieces done by artists in the city, and all those tattoos had turned out nicely, but he was excited to see the new piece he was getting done by an incredibly talented artist who was coming from out of state.

When Jon had showed him examples of the guys work he was so impressed he was almost tempted to book an appointment with the guy himself despite the fact that he had no idea what he would even get (that was one of the main reasons he hadn’t gotten a tattoo yet himself).

So when the day of the expo came he wasn’t sure why he was feeling so jittery. He had been fine all morning, but once they had gotten inside of the event hall something just seemed off, like an extremely strong case of dejavu, but he couldn’t place when he’d felt anything like this before.

Determined to enjoy the event he brushed it off as just being a little freaked out by one of the booths they passed that was full of taxidermy animals. He swore he could feel the one ducks fake eyes following him as he walked by.

That didn’t stop him from trying to convince Jon to buy it though. His loud laugh at that drawing attention before he rejected the idea, earning a glare from the booth attendant as he dissed the ‘ugly ass stuffed abominations in front of her potential customers. Luke hustled them both away as she looked just about ready to leave her booth to try and kick them out of the expo.

He ended up following slightly behind Jon as they walked around so that he could look at the rainbow of people as they walked past with coloured hair and skin. Nearly everyone here had at least one visible tattoo, and more than half were simply covered in ink. He was so busy admiring one woman’s water-coloured sleeve of flowers he walked straight into Jon’s back, not noticing he had stopped.

Jon though was too excited to give him shit for running into him, he’s practically jumping up and down at that point as he grabs him by the elbow, dragging him towards one of the booths on their right. The sign its got hanging up rather plain compared to some of the more eccentric signs on the other nearby booths.

Realizing he still wasn’t paying attention to the right thing, Jon starts tugging at his elbow again to bring his focus to the example books spread across the booths front table. He frowned when he saw the symbol on the cover of the book Jon picked up to start flipping through, the feeling of dejavu becoming almost over whelming.

“Can I help you guys?” So focused on the book both him and Jon are startled by the sudden appearance of one of the booth workers, Jon making an awkward noise as the book nearly slips out of his hand. About to apologize for him Luke puts on an apologetic smile as he faces the guy before all the words he was about to say die in his throat as he meets a familiar pair of hazel eyes.

“Oh yeah! Sorry, I’ve got an appointment with, um, Ohmwrecker in like 15 minutes.” Jon says, not noticing the staring contest going on beside him as he sets the book back onto the safety of the table before extending a hand to the guy. “I’m Jon by the way.”

Luke is finally able to take a breath as the guy finally breaks their eye contact, turning his sharp focus into a warm smile as he turns to shake Jon’s hand. “Nice to meet you Jon, I’m Ohm but you can call me Ryan.” He says as his eyes cut back to Luke, something almost feral in his gaze. “All my friends do. Its actually good that you’re here early, my last client finished early so we can actually start now if you want?” Receiving an excited nod from Jon, Ryan gestured for them to follow him into the booth.

Following along reluctantly Luke watched the all too familiar walk of Ryan as he led them to his station, receiving a smirk as Ryan noticed him watching. That feeling of dejavu was now long gone, morphed into actual (if slightly fuzzy) memories.

Luke grabbed one of the folding chairs leaning against the side of the booth and set it up next to what looked like a massage table that he assumed Jon was going to be tattooed on. He was happy to be third wheeled as they discussed the design and its placement, it gave him a chance to get over his shock, to focus on composing himself and also actually look at Ryan since it had been so long.

Objectively speaking, Ryan looked good, really good even. It seemed like he’d been going to the gym, and he had grown his facial hair out a bit since he’d last seen him, but other than that he looked like the same guy from all those months ago with the hypnotizing eyes and playful smile that had first drawn him in.

Luke snapped back to attention as those eyes moved back to him, catching the last of their conversation.

“-fill this out while I set up, then you and your boyfriend can get comfortable before I start.”

At that both Luke and Jon both looked at each other before bursting out laughing.

“Oh hell no! I love this guy, but were just friends!” Jon said as he signed the forms and got up onto the table, rolling his pant leg up in preparation, shaking his head at the absurdity of the idea of them together.

Still focused on Ryan, Luke noticed how he seemed to perk up a bit at that, smile widening almost imperceptibly as he looked between them. “Sorry for assuming.” Ryan said as he moved to a cabinet and started pulling things out of the drawers and setting them on top. “You guys just seem close, but I guess that’s friendship for you.” Pulling a few final items out he wheeled the cabinet over beside them before pulling up his chair. Taking Jon’s leg in his hands Ryan cleaned and cleared the area for the tattoo before transferring the design onto his skin, and once he got Jon’s approval he cleaned it again and rubbed Vaseline into it. “Sooo, are you guys single then?”

Realizing what he was doing Luke snorted. “That was real fuckin smooth Ryan.” He teased, smiling at Ryan who was trying to act like he hadn’t been abstractly trying to see if Luke was dating anyone. Although he could be interested in Jon and that thought had Luke involuntarily tensing up in his chair.

Ryan just beamed at his response though, seemingly just glad that he had finally spoken to him. Setting up his needles as he prepared to tattoo Jon, Ryan still seemed focused on him to the point he was only semi focused on his actual client. Everyone seemed to ignore what Luke had said, instead focusing on the buzzing of the tattoo gun as it started up.

The odd silence continued for almost an hour before Jon needed a break, getting a slight cover over his semi completed tattoo before he headed out through the convention for a bathroom break and slight snack, preferably without Luke around to sneak a couple bites of his food.

So being left alone with Ryan for a while, he struggled to find anything to say that wouldn’t directly open up a conversation about their shared past.

“I like your beard.” Was the rather lame sounding compliment he came up with. But it was true, the slight beard framed his face almost perfectly, highlighting his jawline and high cheekbones.

“Thanks.” Ryan said before batting his lashes at him. “I was inspired by this rather handsome man I met a while ago.

Although it sounded slightly vain Luke thought he might not be too far off the mark if he said Ryans beard was inspired by his own rather magnificent beard. Taking that at face value he leaned into where Ryan was sitting, voice deep as he whispered into his ear as Jon finally returned to his position on the table. “Mmm, I gotta say, whoever it was must have had magnificent taste then.” Before moving back into his seat, content to quietly watch Ryan’s skilled hands as they worked on his friend.

Ryan’s voice was slightly husky as he spoke to Jon as he repositioned him, and he continued to work as if Luke hadn’t said anything at all, but Luke could feel his gaze on him more often now.

***

“Do you have any tattoos?” Jon’s question brought Luke out of his slight daze. He hadn’t even realized that the tattoo was finished and all wrapped up, he had been too distracted in his own little world.

Looking at Ryan it seemed like a fair question, as he had a regular t-shirt that exposed a fair bit of un-inked skin. But Luke knew he actually had a couple smaller randomly placed tattoos and one beautiful back and chest piece though that morphed through designs so it didn’t look like it actually had beginning or an end.

But of course, Ryan didn’t mention that one.

“I’ve got a little rabbit tattooed on my butt, wanna see?” Ryan said jokingly as he turned is butt towards them and playfully shook it a little bit.

And of course, Jon caught him staring.

That had Jon burst out laughing, before pausing mid laugh to turn to Luke with a confused look on his face. “Hey didn’t you say that last time you left the city a couple months ago you met a hottie with a bunny tattoo on their ass?” Catching Luke speechless for a moment, he nodded to himself as if putting it all together. “I just assumed you had slept with a chick! You never told me you liked guys too!” Jon finished, sound fakely accusing.

Luke wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t like he had intentionally been hiding it, just whenever it came up in conversation they always seemed to be around someone Luke definitely did not want to hear about it, so it just became a sort of not quite secret but not something he had ever actually spoken to Jon about. Now though that was coming back to bight him in the ass.

“You know,” Ryan cut in, noticing the uncomfortable look on Luke’s face. “this shop is thinking of opening a new location in this city.”

“Okay?”

“Soooo.” Ryan drew the word out slowly as if through molasses, waiting for Luke to catch on. “They’re going to need some experienced artists to start it off.”

Luke had a feeling he knew where this was going. “Someone like you?”

Ryan nodded, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Yeah someone like me, although I haven’t decided on if I will or not.”

Jon pulled him slightly aside, pulling him in close to whisper in his ear. “Look at this,” Jon pointed to his fresh tattoo, “you need to convince him to stay so I can get him to do my next one too.” That said, he shoved him towards Ryan and made some vague hand gestures that Luke took to mean start talking.

Rubbing the back of his neck, he looked into Ryan’s eyes and smiled shyly. “You know, if you do come here I’m calling the first slot.”

“It’s a date!”

#ohmtoonz #creepingdarknesswrites #funny story about where this idea came from

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a-woman-apart · 5 years

Text

Release the Outcome

Yesterday, I applied for a full-time job working for the library system of the city that I live in (my other job is one city over). I probably won’t hear back from them until after August 2nd, because that is when the posting comes down. This works perfectly for me, though, because I really do not want to leave my current position until the new people are more settled. It could be a long shot; I applied to library jobs in my city before and have never been selected for an interview. I also know that I limit my opportunities by only applying for jobs in one section (out of 6) of the city, but my only other economically reasonable option is also applying at the downtown branch and I cannot see my anxiety-ridden self making that drive daily.

My main goal right now is to just keep pursuing opportunities while remaining detached from the outcome. I am tentatively looking into more volunteer opportunities, but nothing is jumping out at me. Sometimes, I think about the types of volunteer positions that would look better on a resume, or help to give me “marketable skills or “build identity capital” but my boyfriend scolded me about that and encouraged me to just volunteer for whatever I care about, regardless of whether it will benefit me in the workplace. He is right. I have been so caught up in the hustle culture (albeit more focused on academics) that I have started to lose sight of what is important. We need to be able to strike a balance between working to survive and achieve things we genuinely want and being work-obsessed.

I realize that in my position, even as a neurodivergent and marginalized person, I hold incredible privilege. Friends and family have helped support me financially, and although it will be going away in a few years (or very soon, depending on my income), I receive assistance from the government in the form of my SSDI. It is both temporary and not nearly enough by itself to survive on in a city like this, but it provides something to fall back on, and has enabled me to work part-time while pursuing my education.

As far as education goes, I know that my original goal to complete my COREs (gaining my Associate in the Arts in the process) can still be completed next year, but I am going to just observe myself and how I am feeling. It is likely that I will be working full-time by then, and if that happens, goodbye SSDI. That is ultimately the goal—and there would be a way to restart benefits if I fell into a rough patch—but that would mean keeping a decent job would take even higher priority than before. I was a part-time—sometimes full-time—student before and a part-time worker, but then I would be a full-time worker and part-time student. My disability does not allow me to go to both work and attend school full-time; many healthy people can’t even manage that, and it is not recommended by instructors.

Ultimately, though, these plans are very tentative. I have really been reevaluating what I want and why I want it. I have always loved writing. To me, turning what I loved into a career seemed like a no-brainer, but now, I can see that I always hesitated. I took a detour and went to school for music instead of just getting an Associate in the Arts (with the goal of transferring to a university to get my BA in English). Do you know what studying music for four years did for my passion for learning about and creating music? It utterly killed it. I had all the knowledge, but now I had no drive to create. I am only now starting to record little demos and play with concepts over a year later.

I can see now that I have been afraid of getting similarly burned out on writing. Yes, there is some element of being afraid that I am not a good enough writer to make a career in editing, publishing, and writing. Those fears are rather faint and distant; I am mostly confident in my writing ability. What I am seeing now, is that we live in a society that encourages us to monetize our passions, and that might not be healthy. On Adventures in Roommating, Meghan Tonjes and Keith Battista talked about being careful about making the thing you love into the thing you depend on to survive. I used to be perplexed about my youngest sister’s decision not to pursue culinary arts as a career, even though she loved it so much, but I can see that maybe she had a lot more wisdom than I do. Maybe we should hold our passions a little more sacred to ourselves. Maybe 2+ years of reading boring 1800s literature and churning out essay after soulless essay for picky English teachers just so I can have an English degree is not what I need to be doing. It doesn’t mean that I’ve “given up on my dreams”. Capitalism will extract value from you in any way that it can, but you can say, “No, this is mine.”

So many amazing writers majored in things other than English. So many English majors started off in other fields. Po Bronson, author of What Should I Do with My Life?, was told by teachers that his writing was so poor that he would never succeed as a writer. His proficiencies were in math and science. My own English teacher— one of the best teachers I have ever had—started off as a pharmacy tech.

My “back-up” plan if I was not able to succeed in writing, editing, publishing, or journalism, was to go to school and get my Master’s in Library Science. Working in libraries is a happy medium for me. It is not my absolute favorite thing to do, but I like it enough that I would not mind working in or around libraries for the foreseeable future. Some people say that the library field is shrinking, but that is not the whole truth; libraries are evolving, and the people that work in them are needing to be more flexible and to have greater variety in their skillset. Being a school librarian also means being adept with media; a reference librarian might also assist with writing grants, ordering books, or budgeting. Jobs are largely becoming more automated, but people who work in libraries are often required to supervise these systems and make sure that everything is working smoothly.

Maybe that “back-up plan” would be a lot better as a “main plan.” There are plenty of library jobs that just require a Bachelor’s. There is great flexibility in what my Bachelor’s degree can be, so now I have to be like “what would complement my Master’s the most, but still be a ton of fun?” I might as well enjoy whatever I am studying, and to be honest, I do not always enjoy English classes. If you have a great teacher, the hard work always feels worthwhile, but a persnickety, nit-picking teacher can turn the experience into a living hell. I do not want to see my love for writing turn into hatred. Yes, it would be great to “be a writer”, but I already am. I do not need a degree to confer that title on to me. I would also just love to explore writing conventions on my own, take independent classes, and continue blogging. I want to network with other writers and see if we can spark off some new ideas.

I could even just be undeclared for a while (AUDIBLE GASP) and just see what speaks to me. I could go to a smaller school that is closer to me. Once the time comes, I can move where I want to move without feeling under pressure to move closer to campus. I can take my sweet time with classes. In fact, if I get a good enough job, they may just pay for me to get my Master’s and that would be lovely.

You can have it all and still be miserable; I think we millennials, who are wrought with anxiety, student debt, and underemployment understand that more than others. We have been fed this lie about working hard and “making it”, and we are utterly disenchanted with the status quo. We are always questioning our identities. We ask ourselves “Is this it?” and we are always looking for meaning and purpose in our lives.

My 20s are almost at a close, so my “quarter-life crisis” is going to need to wrap up soon. If I learned anything from my 20s, it is that so much can change, and that a lot of the things you worry about now will be non-issues down the line. Relationships of all types come and go and people and situations evolve and shift. In fact, you probably experience the most changes in your life in your 20s, and you are laying the foundation for who you will be down the line. Your brain is not even fully developed out of adolescence until you are 25. So, while you are considered an adult in the eyes of the law, there is a reason why you still engaged in a lot of childish bullshit in your early twenties. Not to mention that if you have a mental illness or experienced trauma as a child, you can become “developmentally arrested” (I don’t have a good specific source on this one sorry, but look up “arrested development psychology” and there will be lots of interesting articles.).

Look, growing up, or as we say, “adulting”, is very difficult. As more of us are staying home and/or still financially dependent on our parents or other family members, it is hard to truly feel like we own our own lives. Ultimately, though, we never know how things will change. We just need to keep exploring new opportunities. Don Estell said, “If it doesn’t work, try something different.” It may feel like you have tried everything, but the only other alternative is to give up. Don’t do that. Don’t relentlessly pursue achievement at the expense of your mental health, but do not lose hope. Take a break, dust yourself off, then get back out there.

You will find a way, I promise.

#release the outcome #detach from the outcome #living with anxiety #living with mental illness #struggling student #pivot #changing majors #changing directions #working for the library #volunteering #dropout #roommate pod #adventures in roommating #capitalism wants us to monetize our passions

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hitoritravels · 6 years

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★Japan Trip 2018 Day 3: Peaceful Serendipity★

So remember when I said there was a surprise option in one of my previous posts in regards to breakfast?

They had orange marmalade. I have never had orange marmalade before. Where has this been all my life?

Also I noted that only on today did they ever chop the breakfast sausages and potatoes into cute little portions. They never did this for the remainder of my trip. Neat little tidbit I noticed.

But yes that orange marmalade was seriously great and I can’t believe I haven’t had it up until this point. So I want to take a moment and emphasize a mindset that I had on this trip: try new and different things! You might discover neat things like this and find more great things to possibly include in your life. Worst case scenario, you check it off as something ‘you tried at least once’. And that’s all that matters.

I also may or may not have been influenced to try it for arguably all the correct reasons but I stand behind it. May or may not have been reminded of certain nostalgic memories....

But at any rate, it’s time to spend my entire day getting my omiage/souvenir shopping out of the way in quite possibly the only appropriate place imaginable.

Akihabaraaaa

So right off the bat I noticed two things: the first being that they were fairly long lines lined up pretty much outside every notable building you could conceivably see (in other words, if you wanted to find the entrance of a building, just find a mass of bodies, you’re on the right track). They were even split into sections, as in there were lines that you had to line up in other to get into a different part of the line that would get you closer to eventually entering the building that you wanted to get into. Complete with crowd control officers. I know I shouldn’t be surprised given where I was but I only ever see this type of thing at conventions. And even then the lines here were far more organized than any con I’ve ever been too. sorry Anime North and Anime Expo

The second thing I noticed was that nothing was open. Nothing. Keep in mind that having done a bit of research, the average opening times for anything here was between 10 AM - 11 AM and I was here by about 9 AM. Mostly to gather my bearings, partially because there was a spot I wanted to visit before hitting up all the shops that interested me. So seeing the state of matters first-hand, I decide to deviate away from the crowds and visit some place a little more quiet.

Kanda Shrine!

A while back, I read a traveler’s online post sharing pictures of this shrine. I thought it looked nice and hearing that it was in Akihabara I figured I’d put it on my list of places to check out, because why not, I’m already headed there. I didn’t even put it together that it was the place that the Toujou Shrine in Love Live was based on until sometime after. So that only compounded my reasons to visit it. I also wanted to run up the stairs just because but there ended up being a steady enough stream of visitors that I couldn’t justify my nerd urges so I settled with walking up the stairs.

It was a really nice place to visit. Even though I haven’t been big on Love Live as of late, I still found it to be pretty cool to visit a place that was fairly central to the series. I know my past self would’ve been happily freaking out but alas I was content to take in the moment and leave with a gentle smile. I think I’m definitely visiting here on my return trip; I didn’t really get to spend as much time as I wanted to here (or pretty much anywhere that I visited today for that matter) so I intend to make up for that next time~

At any rate, after dropping by a FamiMart that I could never find again (very mysterious) and having a quick snack, I saw that the time was just past 10-ish and after making a quick initial list of places to visit, it was time to sortie!

I didn’t even see the no pictures sign until after I uploaded these pictures. Sorry > < ;

Oh...oh my God. Is...is that....

IT ISSSSS

So after doing a bit of quick shopping (and finding out the hard way that Vocaloid CDs are hard to find...that or I was looking in all the wrong places x x;), I begin to peruse through one of the nearby arcade buildings. While I fully expected the usual suspects (floors upon floors dedicated to fighting games and a myriad of rhythm games, including Love Live), for some reason Aikatsu machines never crossed my mind. So needless to say that I was completely floored as I stood in the back watching presumably these pro players whip out deck boxes and binders filled with Aikatsu cards just going to town on these machines.

Needless to say I wanted to get in on the action but alas all the machines were taken and I had no cards on me at the time. However, they did have an unspoken line system, in the sense where they would always check and see if someone behind them was waiting to play next, and if so, they would get up and circle to the back of the line, rinse and repeat, so that made joining in easier. Now to solve the lack of cards problem.

I quickly look up a basic tutorial on how to start playing on the Aikatsu machines and the tutorial was kind enough to point out that some shops in Akihabara just sold individual cards and even complete sets. So I set out to see if I could find some starter sets so I can try out these machines (spoilers: mission failure)

While I did eventually find a shop that sold Aikatsu cards, it certainly wasn’t any of the ones near me at the time. Phooey. Alas, I cut my losses, picked up some Japanese cards for myself and friends because I was already here, why not. Plus it was cheap and interesting to figure out how to buy singles here because they had a whole system dedicated to it and it was so neat. I liked it.

Now torn between jumping between more shops to try to find some cards or just move on, I decided that I would do the unthinkable. I mean I’m already halfway across the world, I’m already within the realm of doing things I would normally never do, so why not continue that trend and see what happens?

I march towards a different building that was a bit quieter that also had an Aikatsu machine, sit down, and used whatever gaming logic I had to navigate the menu and dialogue, somehow end up with an account, aaaand....

WAHBAM, BEST GIRL, FIRST TRY! I RETIRE AIKATSU CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE.

Though all kidding aside, I get addicted pretty quickly. It was only 100¥ a try and I quickly find myself basically unable to get back into the subway station without having to first reload my card because you’re able to pay for these things with your PasMo. Boy do they know how to get you.

Anyway after a few more tries and realizing that I basically got super lucky getting an SPR right off the bat (man are SPRs/PRs hard to find), I realize that I’m not going to get anything done if I stay here forever. Plus I’m hungry. So that calls for a lunch break!

MOS Burger!

While a bit on the more expensive side, I was looking for something simple and despite how the portions appeared, it was surprisingly filling. As in I never actually felt truly hungry until...maybe six hours later. I don’t know exactly what they put in that meat, but it was delicious, filling, and despite the busy location, was fairly small and cozy. Pretty nice, I do want to explore more of their menu because their burgers actually made me not feel horrible after eating them (sorry NA franchises)

At any rate, after feeling pretty good about what’s happened so far, I decide to continue my shopping. I hit up a pretty big Anime store (I want to say it was either Animate or Gamers, please forgive my horrid memory x x) to shop for more souvenirs.

Instead I accidentally come across quite possibly the second biggest surprise I’ve had all day today: an entire section dedicated to Tokyo 7th Sisters, low-key probably one of my most favorite idol franchises because their music is so good >///<; Needless to say, I waltz out with some merch to represent my favorite idol brand (I GOT A SEVENTH HAVEN SHIRT DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME >///<) and attempt to leave the building to check out other places.

Upon then I happen to see this

While it doesn’t show in the picture, at the bottom listed a date. That happened to be the day I happened to be in Akihabara. As in I happened to be standing in the very same building where a Princess Principal event was taking place right now

Only a single picture was taken because I was too busy screaming inside and deciding whether eating was necessary for the rest of this trip or not

After being effectively robbed, I took a look at the time and realized that I started to run out of time since there was one more place I wanted to visit to do more souvenir shopping and I had no clue how long it would take me to get there, let alone find the place. So I quickly hit up a few other places, miraculously find things for friends, have a quick snack to eat, and start to make my towards my next spot~

But first a celebratory caramel-filled taiyaki ♡

And now onto the ever-famous Yamanote line, from Akihabara to....

Ikebukuro! A place that is filled to brim with hustle and bustle!

Why Ikebukuro you ask? Well you see....

Really, what were you expecting?

So Ikebukuro’s Sunshine City was home to the larger, home base Pokemon Center. Yes it was much larger, but surprisingly yet unsurprisingly less crowded than its sister location at the Skytree. I also noticed a lot more people on their DS’ upon entry, which made me think something was up. So after finally picking up the last of my souvenirs, I decide to investigate.

I end up talking to one of the attendants and she explains to me that there’s an event taking place specifically right then and there where if you enter a code that they’re giving out, you get a shiny Legendary depending on which version of the game you’re playing (Kyogre if you have Ultra Sun, or in my case, Groudon since I had Ultra Moon). So I’m two for two in terms of serendipitous events today. Neato.

Sadly we find out that my version is incompatible with the code since I am an English player (works only on the Japanese versions of the games, makes sense). She then tells me not to worry because that’s not the only thing they’ve got going today!

Long story short, every day for the foreseeable future correlated to a different Rainbow Rocket boss, and depending on which day you visit, you get a Mystery Gift that nets you any one of the pictured Pokemon depending on whose day you visit on. I visited on Giovanni day, which meant that I netted myself a nifty Nidoking! Which is nice because you can’t get any of the Nidoran lines normally in Ultra Sun/Moon so that was nice!

I also want to take a moment here to specifically appreciate the girl that helped me. I initially expressed that I wasn’t very good at speaking Japanese so I apologized if I didn’t make myself clear. She totally understood and she herself also apologized because she herself wasn’t very good at understanding or speaking English and even admitted that she sort of stopped studying it. However, she expressed that she would like to learn it some more and I mirrored her enthusiasm by telling her that while my Japanese isn’t good now, I am still studying it and want to get better at it so I am better able to express myself to others. We both then nodded to each other, acknowledged that we will do our best, and I thanked her earnestly for all her help. So while it may have just been a small encounter, I just want to express that I still feel that thanks to that I want to do my best. And I am. And I will.

Alrighty, now that the night was basically over, I started to realize that I was exhausted. Initially I had planned to end my night at this nearby Sushi Conveyor belt place, but I dreaded the distance that I had to travel for it and I also was still not that hungry. So I wandered for a bit and found a small little joint where I could get my night fix.

Nice and simple tonkatsu ♡

Walking off the food in the nightly hustle and bustle of Ikebukuro....

Back to the nightly peaceful neighborhood of Nishiarai

On my way back I decide to grab a bit of a dessert and just take it easy, considering that minus my initial break at FamiMart and lunch at MOS, I...never really stopped moving. Since about 7 AM. And it was about 8-9 PM by this point. Whew, what a day.

Water, what we need to live, and melon pan!

I take it easy outside a nearby 7-11 and take in how nice the peace and quiet of Nishiarai is. Really I would not mind living here if I could. It’s just so...nice. Peaceful. Quiet. Homely. I loved the area and I want to be there again. I miss Nishiarai.

I slowly consume my night-time snack, just observing the daily life of those that were still up at this time. People biking in and out to grab snacks. A boy running in to fetch groceries. A family playing with jump rope, and eventually parting ways, wishing to see each other tomorrow.

Despite all the crazy things about Japan and how busy it can be, I personally really appreciate the quieter side of things. I loved how I spent those few moments just sitting and just taking in the quiet daily lives that I would normally never get to see. Because you don’t get this sort of peace and quiet back at home. Because I don’t normally ever feel this free and at peace when I’m at home. I honestly wish I would.

That’s not to say that I entirely dislike where I am or where I live. It’s just like I said in my monologue back at Kiyosumi Gardens: there’s just a lot of great things, feelings, and realizations that I’ve come to realize on this trip. That there’s a lot back home that I wish I could change to make myself happy. That I want to take as much of the positivity I’ve felt and realized in Japan and bring it back home.

Because it hurts to live in sadness all the time. Not just to myself but to those I love. And I don’t want to do that. I want to make you all happy because I genuinely love you. And I hope I’m able to express even a fraction of that with these posts.

But there’s definitely more of that where that came from. And that will all surely come true in the next day, the one day that mattered the most on this trip.

The day where a dream came true

But that’s a story for a different time

Until then

★To be continued!★

#Hitori Travels

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