#literally i don't know what i'd do without rice | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

disabledunitypunk · 5 days

Text

So, I know this blog has been a lot less active as of late, at least from my part (mod Stars).

I'm gonna be honest; I've been incredibly sick. A combination of some kind of issue with gluten/wheat (may be celiac, or nonceliac gluten intolerance, or wheat allergy) with IBD, MCAS, lactose intolerance and sensory issues, had caught me in such a cycle of degranulation, anaphylaxis, intestinal issues, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and POTS and chronic pain flareups, that I was nonfunctional.

On top of that, anxiety over my partners SSI application (recently medically approved by the administrative law judge, that's a win! still waiting on nonmedical approval but it should hopefully just be a rubber stamp process at this point - knock on wood) has really screwed with my levels of executive dysfunction.

And trauma around medical neglect and abuse, plus being so sick, plus executive dysfunction, had led me to temporarily avoid seeking treatment at all. When I say that the very idea of trying to trick yet another doctor's ego into believing they came up with the idea to test me for the conditions I'm already reasonably certain I have, all while making sure I don't seem too smart, too unintelligent, too articulate, too reliant on google, too self-aware, use too many medical terms, and so on... I've not had the ability to advocate for myself anymore.

Luckily, a friend of mine that's all hellfire agreed to help advocate for me at some of my appointments going forward, so I'm going to be finding a new primary care doc and going forward (possibly seeing my old one a few more times if necessary, just to get re-referrals and maybe get a referral to a non-Medicaid allergist that actually knows what MCAS is) with pursuing diagnoses and treatment again.

Until then, however, I'm pretty much limited to about three foods - plain white or wild rice, "zoup" (a zucchini broth with chunks of carrots, daikon, celery, and wild rice), and raisins. I can drink water and cranberry juice. Between my sensory issues and that tiny list, I've been consistently significantly hungry for a week. I'm struggling to sleep and can't get more than four hours of restless sleep in a night the past few nights. I'm menstruating for the first time in five years for G-d knows why. I feel better and less reactive, especially after an ER visit for some IM decadron, but I am constantly exhausted.

Why do I bring all this up?

This is my daily life. I have near zero quality of life because of the ableism of doctors and failures of the medical system. I'm barely keeping myself alive every day, really only with the help of a lot of caretaking from my partner. I haven't been able to get to my doctor to get approved for that friend willing to advocate for me to be paid for basic caretaking duties by Medicaid. I went out on Saturday for the first time in over a month, and I'll be recovering from that for the next week and a half.

There is not a single minute of my life that isn't profoundly affected by my disabilities. Stress causes a cascading reaction through my MCAS, POTS, ME/CFS. Understimulation causes intense stress and even pain. Listening to music while doing nothing, watching videos, and similar "low energy" activities drain so much energy that they trigger my chronic fatigue, and sometimes cause a lesser reverse cascading reaction.

I can't take an ADHD med to help with the symptoms more disabling than the ones threatening literal anaphylaxis and organ failure because I can't get them compounded without an official MCAS diagnosis, and I'd also need a beta blocker compounded as well (which are are often mast cell triggers) for my POTS because the only ADHD meds that work on me are amphetamines.

I can't take vitamin D or B12 despite being incredibly critically low for the same reasons. I've barely found some OTC benadryl and aleve that I halfway tolerate. I might have a UTI and if I do I'm gonna have to convince doctors 20 years behind the medical literature that IM antibiotics are considered safe and effective and are a safer alternative to oral meds for me, if still risking a minor reaction.

On good days, I can make it between the bed and couch a couple times a day, and between the couch and the toilet. On bad days, I have a chamber pot setup in the bedroom because I can't afford diapers. I'm sure my vitamin D deficiency is not helped by never leaving an apartment that barely gets some sunlight two hours a day because it's in the shadow of the other side of the building.

I used to, on bad days, spend most of the day doing mindless tasks or on slightly less bad days, puzzle games, on my phone. Now, I'm lucky if I can do even that much most days. I AM too sick to play video games. 🥲 I can nap, I can sit with my eyes open, I can listen to music until it's too exhausting anymore.

I'm tired, and every day surviving is just a monumental effort. Again, the ableism of doctors and... actually, they're not failures if they're intentional; the abusive medical system, have not left a single minute of my life untouched.

Multiple times, when talking about online discourse, I've been accused of "wanting to be more disabled than I am", "being physically abled", being "crazy", "delusional", "on something", etc, etc, etc. All for daring to say that ideas like body-mind duality, exclusionism within disabled communities, and similar, are deeply harmful and affect far more than insular online discourse.

Doctors love to shove off chronically ill people into "psych cases". Have anxiety, autism, PTSD, schizophrenia, DID, depression, etc, etc on your chart? Yeah, you're never getting that physical diagnosis. This is what perpetuating and encouraging ideas like "all disabilities are physical OR mental", "people with abc type of disability have privilege over people with xyz type of disability", and so on, DOES.

Sanism is used to perpetuate ableism. Ableism is used to perpetuate sanism. Quite frankly, I'm not sure that neurotypical physically disabled people, non-mad neurodivergent physically disabled people, and physically abled neurodivergent/mad (all as self-identified categories) get just how deeply compounded ableism is when you exist at the intersection of physically disabled and neurodivergent (especially if mentally ill or mad). Or perhaps, the disconnect exists along a line of "profoundly disabled" vs "can access abled hegemony to a significant extent". Perhaps it's both. There is likely elements of how visible a disability is, how much its able to be masked, the type/level/spread of support needs, and so on. There's definitely elements of other marginalization; race, ethnicity, fatness, queerness, and so on.

And then there's the subcategories. Cognitively disabled. Traumatized. Chronically ill. Visually impaired/blind. Deaf/hard of hearing. Intellectual disability. Mobility disabilities. Fluctuating vs static disabilities, support needs, masking, and so on.

Sometimes I wonder, would the people who think I'm just an abled faker who doesn't belong for not being able to seperate my neurodivergence from my physical disabilities, my neurological organs from my body, my inabilities from my inabilities, would they find I'm the same as them when they spend a day in my life? Would they find it worse? Would they find it unbearable in a completely different way from their own struggles? Would they maybe even find that while it's not quite as hard as their own struggles in some cases, that it's still wildly hard and the two are far closer to each other on the scale than they think? Would they understand that we are both in the midst of an active, eugenicist genocide, and that we're 50-49 bullet holes staring down the barrel of a loaded gun that is held by our oppressors?

Even now, I'm thinking about how this post might be inaccessible. Is it readable for screen readers? Will the length be too much for way too many people? Is it understandable for people with intelligence and cognitive disabilities? How do I fix those things if it's not. What am I missing? What am I missing? What am I missing?

I'm exhausted, I'm scared, and I'm barely holding on. I'm safe, mental health wise, to be clear, I'm just convinced that the only reason that I'm not in significant danger from my physical chronic illnesses right now is because I've always had a body that was stubborn as all hell and twice as resilient. I'm not dying, not because the illnesses aren't trying, but because my body will endure far beyond normal limits.

I've experienced slow acting anaphylactic reactions without anaphylactic shock about once a month for 1-2 years now, usually only going in after several days and nights of severe symptoms. Like I've mentioned, several of my vitamin levels are so low as to make organ failure a constant threat. None of my illnesses are "terminal" per se, but that doesn't mean they can't be deadly. And more to the point, it doesn't mean they can't destroy me, that they haven't utterly destroyed my quality of life, without killing me.

I mean, I started this blog as an attempt at fostering solidarity. We CANNOT be quibbling over who really "belongs" in various disability spaces, who gets to reclaim what words or whatever, when so many of us are dealing with this shit.

For the area with the lowest cost of living in the country, SSI should be 5 times what it is now. For the highest, up to 20 times. People on disability benefits lose some or all of their payments, insurance, and so on, if they get married, even to another person on benefits. I've never met a disabled person without more doctor horror stories than diagnoses, and we all know diagnoses like to come in clusters. We are being abused, neglected, and killed.

I cannot stress how much, not that this intracommunity discourse "doesn't matter", but that it does at a deeply harmful level. It's just perpetuation of the abuse we face at a lateral level. We're mimicking the government and doctors and general abled society and getting into petty but deeply dangerous inane arguments that are just us carrying out the only way we've been taught to treat disabled people.

Being a disabled activist and advocate means questioning everything you know about ableism. It means prioritizing first and foremost disabled people. And honestly, speaking as someone whose platform here is dedicated to that, that's really fucking hard. It means believing people about their experiences with disability and oppression in a world that teaches us that the vast majority of disabled people are lying privileged fakers.

It means not believing that people know more about what people with a disability they DON'T have face because of their own disabilities. A little confusing, but essentially someone with disability A without disability B who faces oppression X, can't say that someone with disability B DOESN'T face oppression X, just because they face it. It means not calling the very real harm someone has experienced "misdirected", or making their suffering about you or your subcommunity, just because you've experienced the same or similar harm.

It means unlearning reactivity as a group of extremely traumatized people. It means learning to meet people where they're at, and assume "can't" rather than "won't". It means accepting that sometimes not only will someone's disabilities cause conflicting access needs with your own, but that sometimes people's disabilities can actively cause them to do harm, and that they still deserve rights, community, and support if they do. It also means recognizing that the harm that a disability may cause someone to do is going to look VASTLY different than abled expectations of "harmful" disabilities. It means, even and especially when this happens, recentering the perspective not around how the disability affects other people, but around how it affects the person with the disability.

It's all of this and so much more. It's a lot of effort from people with not a lot to give. It's fighting an upstairs battle with no ramp, so to speak.

And I guess I just... I'm at a loss on how to keep that up. Is just focusing on getting myself well enough to participate again, putting my own mask on first, enough? When there is not a single moment of my life untouched by the extremely deep and extremely systemic harm of ableism, is it enough to try and access the care continually gatekept from me at an individual level? Can I even do so, against such intensive pressure?

How do I live this life, and also go on untangles the narratives of "disabling neurodivergence isn't really a real disability and neurodivergent people face almost no real ableism" and "physical conditions are obvious and so get all the care and face no real ableism". How do I fight the concurrent violences of hypervisibility and erasure within the community that only serve to strengthen abled people bludgeoning us with them?

How do I focus on things like organizing, community building, activism, advocacy, dismantling the system, dismantling our reliance on it, and so much more, when I can't even get out of bed?

All I can do is write about it, right now. Sometimes I feel like that's all I've ever been able to do. Everyone I've ever known has acted like some day my "pen" will be a tool of liberation, but I'm at a loss for how. I'm just some horribly sick mad cripple on a dying microblogging platform on the internet. I don't know - not if I'm enough, but if anything ever can be.

And I don't mean to sound hopeless. I know that change can happen. I know that it is, in tiny and sometimes larger ways, every day.

This is kind of a self-centered post, in the most neutral way. This is just my perspective. This is about me, and how I'm so very disabled, and how people assume I'm not (and how wild that is, considering), and how ableism affects me so deeply, and how I don't know how to face it or fight it...

I can only hope that maybe my word resonating with people means something. That maybe, as much as we never want each other to experience what we have to, that it's also a comfort to know we don't experience it alone. That maybe this will serve as a reminder that it's okay to be scared, to feel lost, even hopeless, to struggle; to not know how to fight or where to turn. That maybe this will reach someone who CAN do something, and maybe it'll reach the people who need to NOT do anything other than take care of themselves, and that maybe it will help both of them.

Maybe that's too grandiose, I don't know. I hardly know what my point is here, other than: this is me, crippled and crazy as all hell. This is the violence I face. This is why I started this blog, because we need to stop hearing "you're a lying abled privileged faker trying to take advantage of and take resources from real disabled people who really need it" from abled people, and saying it word for word to each other. Because what abled people mean by "real disabled people" is just a theoretical disabled person. A perfect victim. They don't mean any real disabled person, especially not those who can advocate for themselves. They mean they think every single one of us doesn't need or deserve accommodations, treatment, respect, humanity, or even life.

That's the point, really. We're all we've got. We've gotta fight for each other, not fight each other. And G-d, I know how hypocritical that sounds coming from my ragey, rabid ass. I just... that's all I know to focus on right now. Not necessarily all coming together and holding hands and singing a song about unity, but just... not being ableist to each other. Tolerating each other even if we can't stand each other. Presenting a united, unbroken front to ableist society, and pushing until they don't have any power over us anymore. Doing the work of activism, which is often neither easy nor feel-good.

That's what I'm trying to do here, at least. I try to get a little better at it every day. I try to listen a little more. I try to keep up hope when my body and mind are crashing down around me.

I don't have a mic-drop conclusion to add to this, so just: I'm opening the floor. Anyone who has anything to add, feel free to do so. What you have to say is valuable.

#ableism #sanism #unitypunk #cripplepunk #madpunk #neuropunk

22 notes · View notes

jilixthinker · 4 months

Text

embryos

PART 1 PART 2

pairing: felix × jisung

genre: angst, supernatural, smut

summary: "purity. those who possess it can have the access. it's like a key. only the pure souls who die in your world can enter in mine. the only requirement is a body. flesh in exchange for the eternal sun".

word count: 5.8K (in part 2)

content warning: depression, death, mentions of suicide, pain and sufference, parallel universes, smut, jisung and felix are so in love it hurts, eventual happy ending

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

“Jisung”.

Jisung hears a familiar voice calling him. Jisung? Was that the right name? His ears do not react. Another low sounding voice echoes around him.

“Jisung. Once is fine. Twice is too much for anyone”.

Something touches his face and, no, this is definitely déjà vu. In a split second a sequence of speed motion images run through his mind. Morning, coffee, car, crash, hospital, bed, car, house, shower, bathroom, mirror, hand. When he opens his eyes he expects to be looking at that boy with a comforting smile but, instead, he is lying on the couch in his living room, his legs obscenely open, considering that he is still naked. Standing in front of him he can see Chan and Minho, who have a unquestionbly unnatural complexion.

“I hate you, okay? You need to stop killing us every twenty minutes because I don't know how much more my heart will hold up. What the fuck were you doing lying on the bathroom floor? Thank God I have the keys to your house, or I would have had to call the fire department-.

Chan is as frantic as he’s ever saw him, his breath short and his eyes literally out of his frame. He is clutching his wrist a while Minho, beside him, looks at him wearily.

“I think I slipped while drying my hair”.

Jisung's voice is really a mess. He stutters out that sentence with every syllable and he messily tries to sit up, not without Chan supporting him from the back.

“Fantastic. Now you can't even survive half a day? God, why?”

Chan brings both hands to his face and shakes his head weakly.

“I'm sorry. I really am”.

Minho strokes his boyfriends’s back and barely smiles at Jisung.

“You don't have to feel sorry for us, you have to feel sorry for yourself. You fainted because you had nothing in your stomach, so now do me, you, us, and humanity a favor. Eat”.

From a bag he hadn't even seen, Chan pulls out an aluminum container with bibimbap and one with bulgogi. The food smells delicious and Jisung does not realize how hungry he is until he has two chopsticks in his hand and starts eating. He devours the food within minutes, feeling the gaze of the two friends on him. Chan occasionally massages his shoulder muscles while Minho picks up grains of rice escaping from the chopsticks.

“Jisung, you need to eat regularly“.

“I'm going to buy something at the supermarket tonight”.

Chan crosses his thighs on the sofa and points to three bags full of food at the foot of the sofa.

“We went grocery shopping before we came to you. I don't like the idea of you going out alone”.

“Chan, I am really glad, from the bottom of my heart, but you can't live depending on me”.

Chan is about to answer back and Jisung shakes his hands in front of his face. “No, wait, listen to me. Tonight you and Minho will go out for dinner and then to the movies or, I don't know, whatever you would do if nothing had happened. Take it as a personal favor, okay? I can't stand to see you so distressed”.

Minho on the other side of the couch nods and smiles at Jisung, then winks at him.

“He's been a pain in the ass lately, you know? All he does is talking about you. Jisung, Jisung, Jisung. If I didn't know better I'd think he has a crush on you. But I swear I'll find a way to shut his mouth”.

Jisung chokes on the bulgogi and starts spitting bits of meat all over the couch.

“God, no, please. I don't want to know the details. Spare me”.

Chan tries to fight a smile while Minho, on the other hand, bursts into a silvery laugh. Jisung looks at them and thinks they are adorable, even though sometimes he hates them. But at the end it's always been what works for them.

Two hours and endless recommendations later, Jisung closes the front door and slumps against it. He puts his hand on his chest and feels its heart drumming loudly against his ribs, like a bird in a cage. The smell of bulgogi still hovers in the kitchen and in the living room, and the sky outside the window is gray, clouds swollen with rain. Jisung walks away from the hall, heading to the bathroom. He doesn't even want to go back into that room, he has no idea why his legs are heading there.

Once he enters in the bathroom he notices that the smell of humidity has completely disappeared - Chan opened the window - and the puddles of water on the floor have evaporated.

“Are you still here?”

The words vibrate up his throat and Jisung feels like an immense coward because he is not even looking in the right direction. His eyes are fixed on the tiles.

“I told you before. I have always been here”.

The voice answers his question, soft and gentle.

That is the exact moment Jisung starts to think that he has really gone crazy. So this is what it feels like to hit rock bottom. He turns with a movement that costs him inhuman effort and faces his mirror. There, clear as a spring day, the stranger's face stands vibrant as before. Like a few hours earlier he smiles sweetly, just with his lips. Jisung thinks he must smell like the Sun, even though the Sun has no scent. It is perfect, and all that perfection makes him feel safe instead of intimidating him.

“So why haven't I seen you before?” he asks, his voice is barely a whisper.

The stranger takes a step forward. Jisung doesn’t know where, since he is behind a mirror, but he knows he does it because now his face is closer.

“It's because of the accident. It did reset he rational sphere of your brain".

As he speaks, Jisung can see small white teeth inside the stranger’s mouth. He looks so alive, so close, so real.

“Are you a ghost?”

He shakes his head and blonde hair swing on his head. A strand escapes from behind his ears and slips over his eyes.

“I am a future memory”.

Jisung moves closer to the mirror until his pelvis slams against the sink. The boy in front of him does not move away. He remains motionless, looking at him. He has a face he cannot classify. He has simple, thin, almost ephebic features. Childlike features that could go unnoticed when placed next to millions of other faces. But then he looks at his red plush lips curved into a sweet smile and big eyes that study him with a calmness he does not possess, and Jisung is certain that he would never forget a face like that.

“Are you real?”

“Reality is what you see”.

“Can you only give me enigmatic answers?”

The stranger puffs out a sound which is similar to a laughter, and in Jisung's head it resonates like millions of tiny bells trilling all at once.

“As long as your questions are. You can try asking me something simpler though”.

The boy crosses his arms against his chest, accommodating. His shoulders are tiny. Jisung imagines he could fly away with a breath of wind.

“Do you have a name?”

He nods, slow and graceful. As if he is weighing every word so that nothing is left to chance.

“Felix”.

He has a simple name, he thinks, it must be real. It has to be.

“Jisung”.

“I know”.

Jisung closes his eyes and rests his hands on the edge of the sink to keep himself from slipping on the floor.

“Do you know who I am?"

“No, we have never met. But I know your name”.

“How?”

“That's just something I know. Like the phases of the moon and the name of the oceans. Maybe I've always known it”.

Felix takes another step forward, into the middle of nowhere, and his forehead almost touches the cold, reflective surface. Jisung breathes heavy and slow as he watches the other rest his fingers beside him against the mirror.

“Where did you come from?”

“I don't know if you would believe me”.

“Please” he murmurs heartily “I'm just trying to understand. If there was something I was sure of, it was that I wasn't crazy. Then this morning I walk into my bathroom and behind the mirror I find you. You saying you don't know me but still you know my name, saying you've always been here while I've never seen you. And now I don't know if I'm crazy or not. Maybe I'm talking to myself, maybe I'm dreaming or maybe it's real. The fact is that I had a certainty, and now I have none. The least I can do is trying to find a sense to this”.

Felix’s reflection moves away from the mirror and looks deep into it, as if he was searching for something he had lost, something he knew he can find somewhere in between Jisung’s eyes.

Something important.

“Felix?”

He utters that name and Jisung’s body is invaded by small electric shocks that start from the tips of his toes and radiate down the column of his back, straight to his forehead. Whatever Felix is looking for seems to be a long way from being found.

“Have you ever heard of the alternative reality theory?”

Jisung nods, confused. “Vaguely”.

“An alternative reality is a separate and distinct dimension, which coexists with the earthly one. It can be identified with a space-time continuum. Basically, everything you can perceive around you, every smallest particle of matter, it’s present in equal form and measure in a parallel dimension. The two realities are superimposed on each other, occupying the same space and time. It is a perfect and unstoppable circle”.

The concepts that flow from Felix's lips are distant, intangible, complex. Jisung presses his fingertips against his temples, trying to assimilate as much information as possible.

“Metaphysics managed to explain every single, small, tiny detail. Except for one. It has failed to provide a reason. And it's funny when you think about it, isn't it? It answered all the thorniest questions, all the most difficult complications but not the simplest one”.

Felix lifts his gaze and Jisung feels stripped of any foothold, feels himself floating in the void, adrift.

“A choice. My world offers a second chance to those who could not survive the cruelty of yours. But this world does not test, does not lay snares. This world is the right world. Without pain, anger, envy, rejection. Only love”.

Jisung tries to imagine this world. He doesn't even need to close his eyes to make it palpable. He sees Felix's face reflecting bright sunlight as he rests on a green English lawn, tiny daisies in his hair and a few ladybugs on the fabric of his pants.

“You come from there”.

Felix smiles again. The room regains its brightness.

“I come from there. Or from here. It is relative. Now you are able to perceive the overlap of spaces”.

Jisung reaches out a hand toward the glass but stops a few inches away, as if frightened by what might ensue upon contact. Felix is close, he can outline with his mind the shape of his lips.

“But I see you”.

Felix is a little lost in his smile. Jisung, on the other hand, is lost in his deep gaze.

“I know. It's absurd, I recognize that. But I assure you it's strange even for me”.

“No”. Jisung shakes his head and feels something from the marrow rising to the surface, radiating within his veins like an endless lava flow.

“No”, he continues. “No. I see you. I see you”.

He leans infinitesimally forward and touches with his fingers the spot where Felix, on the other side of the mirror and on the other side of the universe, is resting his clear fingertips. He should feel a calm, safe warmth and waves pouring their foam onto the rocks. Instead he just feels cold.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

Jisung does not go back to university. Chan keeps calling him, first with gentleness and compassion, but now he is just tired. Minho is a shadow of his boyfriend, nothing more. The phone keeps ringing, Jisung keeps not answering. Reality begins to get blurrier day by day. Chan persists in leaving lunch in front of Jisung’s door almost every day but the bags remain intact because the door is no longer opened. Then, one day, the bags vanish, just as the phone stops ringing. Jisung doesn’t even notice because he cannot even describe his own face anymore, let alone remember having had friends. Or maybe the memories linger somewhere, buried deep in a remote, hazy corner of his unconscious, but no one goes into it. Thus Jisung's old life is covered by layers and layers of thin, opaque dust. He buries Chan, Minho, his parents, his brother, the accident. It buries Jisung and everything he had before. The only figure that seems to stand out is the thin, sharp figure of Felix, which is practically a paradox because Jisung is not even sure that Felix exists. But whether he exists or not, he is there. He is there, day and night, watching him. He watches him even though Jisung is not in the room. He does not know how he does it, he does not even know if it is really possible. But he knows he does, because he feels his eyes everywhere he goes. They talk for the longest time. Sometimes they use words, sometimes they talk to each other in silence. Jisung thought it was a movie invention, but he realizes how crucial this little snippet of everyday life has become to him. He wonders about the meaning of the thousands of mundane actions he performs every day without even thinking about it.

The fact is that Jisung is opal. He knows it. He knows it as he has always known that he cannot be a star but only a small black dwarf. And he accepts it, because it can only be so. But Felix is a red giant at its best. Felix speaks, and the continuum of all possible worlds stops, leaving room only for a chasm. Felix shines without anything overshadowing him. And maybe that’s Jisung who is a reflection in the mirror, because if there is anything he feels able to swear to without any fear, it is that Felix is indeed, infinitely, diamond.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

“How is the rain like?”

Jisung is sitting with messy legs while holding a cup of lukewarm coffee. Felix, on the other side of the mirror, looks at him waiting for his answer.

“Sad. As if the sky is too tired to continue to shine, then little tears fall down on the Earth”.

Felix laughs with his lean shoulders shaking as his eyes close in two perfect crescents.

“You are being melodramatic”.

Jisung takes a sip of coffee as he carefully follows Felix’s movements in front of him. He watches his shirt curl over his soft hips and lingers on the edge that leaves a few inches of white skin exposed.

“Doesn't it rain there?”

Felix, as is his habit, shakes his head, letting thin strands of long hair fall across his forehead.

“Just sunshine”.

“Always?”.

“Always”.

Seoul has not seen the sun for weeks, but it seems it’s been years. A thick blanket of clouds covers all the blue, turning it into a deep leaden gray.

“You never saw the rain?”

“I have seen it in your world”.

Jisung stops drinking and stares at Felix's tight lips.

“Have you been in my world?”

“I lived there for a long part of my existence”.

“I thought you were born there”.

“No one was born here”.

Jisung pictures a wide-eyed Felix facing a suffering horizon polluted by mankind's cruelty. A tiny hand gripping the air as if to grasp something.

“How?”

Felix bites his mouth and catches the pout between small teeth. Thin fingers reboot his hair.

“Purity. Those who possess it can have the access. It is like a key. Only the pure souls who die in your world can enter in mine. The only requirement is a body. Flesh in exchange for the eternal sun”.

“You have faced death”. Jisung lets the words flow. “You, who are so much closer to life than I have ever been. You died. Why?”

Felix understands and smiles light as a feather.

“I was fragile, Jisung. I could no longer exist in that circle of evil where I had grown up. It was too much, and I was tired”

Jisung rests his forearms on the shelf and cannot understand whether he blames or thanks the other's cruel fate.

“What are you now?”

“I am just Felix. There is a mirror between these worlds, that’s true, but I have not regretted for one second the decision I made. I have never been more alive than this-.

“Don't you ever wish to go back?”

Felix murmurs something that Jisung feels like a gust of wind.

“I have what I want now”.

And Jisung knows that, even though Felix looked away to observe something undefined behind the mirror, he is talking about him.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

It’s during a sleepless night when he discovers that Felix also has a diamond voice. Jisung drags himself to the bathroom and curls up in the chair in front of the mirror overlooking the other world. Felix begins to sing softly and slowly, so quietly that at first it almost sounds like he is whispering. It goes on for what must be hours and Jisung rests in silence without taking his eyes off his face. By the time Felix closes his lips it’s already dawn, faint beams of light penetrating through the window.

“Do you think that if I had met you earlier something would change?”

“I believe we were destined to meet exactly like this. I can't imagine anything different from what we have now”.

“But maybe...” Jisung begins with a nostalgic spark in his eyes, “maybe you would make a different decision. I can't help but thinking about how it would be if we met in college. What I would say to you if I met you in a park. What I would think if I walked into a coffee shop one day and saw you there, sitting in front of the window, waiting for your coffee".

Felix smiles and strokes the mirror with his fingertips, following the border of Jisung's face.

“You probably wouldn't even notice me”.

Jisung slides his gaze along the other man's slender figure. He observes the soft blonde hair with the texture of a cloud, the rosebuds of the mouth, the thin, delicate line of the jawline. He observes the small, elegant nose and the dark eyes contoured by long, thick lashes. His voice cracks.

“How could I not?”

“I never belonged to that world, Jisung. It rejected me. I was an inconvenient bacterium, just as you are. And I couldn't give you anything”.

Felix takes a deep breath and Jisung thinks he wants to sink into the absolute purity of his beauty.

“You would give me everything I need. As you do now”.

“I was the shadow of myself”.

“That would have been enough”.

“I'm sorry”.

“I'm the one who is sorry, for not finding you sooner”.

Then Jisung stands up, letting the blanket on his legs slide off and settle on the floor like a puddle.

“Felix”.

Felix looks at him fixedly and loudly, because he understands. He did it from the beginning, and the fact that he does not answer him only means that he knows. Jisung feels something, very close to his heart, expanding and starting to press against his chest to come out.

“I would like to kiss you”.

Then Felix closes his eyes. Jisung moves closer, weighing each step until he reaches the mirror. He caresses it, inwardly, with all the tenderness he is capable of. He imagines the strands of hair in his fingers, the warm, tender skin on his cheeks, imagines the parted lips trembling at his closeness and the small arms tensing as his hands touch them. Felix is beautiful, and he cries a salty tear that remains there, caught between his eyelashes, tiny and invisible. Then Jisung kisses him, ignoring the foreign and cold presence of the glass. He kisses him ignoring the fact that he is not physically with him. He kisses him ignoring all physical and natural laws. He kisses him simply because Felix must know that Jisung does not care who, what, where, or how he is, he kisses him because he feels that he was born for that purpose. Because it is right. Jisung kisses Felix, and Felix knows it. And when after years, centuries, and millennia he opens his eyes, Jisung finds nothing but a wonderful smile that tastes a little bit like the Sun.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

One day Jisung picks up his cell phone and realizes that he has missed more than forty calls from the same number. Chan's name stands out at the top of the message notifications and stands there to remind him of everything he was trying to forget. As he sits on the bed and lives again every moment of the incident, the phone decides to ring. Jisung throws it away and the cell phone gets stuck under his pillow, making him wonder if he can even decide not to answer it. By now Chan hates him, one more call will not change anything.

He finally grabs it and unlocks the screen.

“No”.

Jisung frowns. He hasn't spoken to anyone in weeks, but the other person is addressing him as if to continue an open conversation. Moreover, the voice he hears does not belong to either Chan or Minho, he is quite sure.

"No, what?”

The voice continues to speak, and now it is Minho's. Jisung closes his eyes and runs his hand over his forehead as if to gather all his frustration. He is about to respond. He opens his mouth, catches his breath, and

“Minho?”

The voice comes out strange, as if he said the name twice in overlapping. Jisung clears his throat and rubs his arms, starting to feel a strange sensation on his skin.

“No, your majesty the queen. I won't take a no as an answer from anyone, especially not from you”.

Minho is friendly joking, as if nothing had happened. Jisung immediately loses all the strength in his legs and collapses on the bed. This call happened already, he thinks. But he hopes it's a bad joke and he is about to yell at Minho to get over with all of this, because it's anything but funny.

But then he hears it. A plaintive snort, a little bit drawling and with a hint of sarcasm, familiar. He heard it a thousand times and would recognize it among billions of voices.

Because it belongs to him.

But Jisung didn’t open his mouth. He has stayed silent since the beginning of the call, and maybe he didn’t even called Minho’s name before. Then, he understands. He needs only a few more seconds of background noise and the snap of a kiss to be horribly sure of it.

“Jisung? Sorry, that animal took my phone from my hands while you were answering me”.

The phone slips from Jisung’s hand and falls to the floor. The screen probably breaks, but it doesn't matter. Jisung stands motionless for minutes as he realizes that he heard himself talking to Minho in a reality from weeks earlier.

A reality that no longer exists.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

“Are you happy?”

Felix curls his fingers against the mirror. Their hands are resting against each other. It’s something they do often since it’s the only expedient they have to feel close. And so they talk for hours with their fingers in contact, separated only by a thin layer of glass.

“Since you've been there, yes. I am happy”.

Jisung lifts the corners of his mouth in a small smile and wedges his lips where Felix's neck should be.

“Your world”, he resumes in a warm voice “It should be everything you want, shouldn't it? You should have been happy anyway. It's your second chance, the right one”.

“That’s true, everything here is love. But I am only offered a chance, not a certainty. As if I had a royal flush in poker but my hand was shaking too much to win”.

Jisung turns away from the reflected skin and runs the back of his hand along Felis’s soft profile.

“What are you missing?”

“A companion. I need my half to be complete. Someone to share my choice that brought me here. Someone who had my same bad luck and who watched me exist. Someone who lives for me. This is what I lack, and until I find it I will be forced to be the reflection of myself”.

Jisung reads an ancient melancholy in Felix's eyes, breaking against his irises like clear foam in the sea.

“I cannot imagine anyone not wanting to love you till the end of time”.

Felix rubs his nose against the mirror, where Jisung’s cheek is placed, and heat seems to expand through the material. Jisung brushes the warm skin with his fingertips.

“I cannot find a mate, Jisung. I already have you”.

And he says it with such extreme simplicity that it sounds like a concept already tried and known, as if read in an encyclopedia. Felix looks at him but does not wait for an answer. He knows it has been that way for Jisung from the first moment he saw him, or perhaps even before, when he was unaware of his existence and living as a shadow of himself.

“I would die for you”.

Jisung wonders if Felix can hear the sound of his heart falling in love with him.

You are already here. You just have to figure it out.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

One day Jisung wakes up and realizes that his body has different needs from his brain. He sits on the floor, crosses his legs, and begins to think about when was the last time he stepped outside of the house, the last time he bought something to eat, and wait, how long has it been since I've eaten? Without questioning Felix and, as if propelled by an alien force, he runs to the closet. When he slips the first leg of his pants on, his first thought is that someone has entered his room and replaced all his garments with larger ones. He looks at the label, checks the seams and pockets and, inside the back pocket, finds his lighter. In that moment he looks at his thighs and realizes how, by now, they have reached the circumference of what used to be his arms. Perhaps it has been more than two weeks since he has eaten. For a moment he is tempted to go back into the bathroom, look for Felix and stay together with him, as always. He sniffs the air and he’s almost sure he no longer remembers its smell. I need to breathe, Jisung thinks, I need to breathe and fast. He picks up a random jacket and throws it over his shoulders. Underneath he has a short-sleeved T-shirt that is surely too thin for the temperature outside, but Jisung pays it no mind.

When he closes the front door behind him he feels as if he is somehow betraying himself and also Felix, who stays behind the mirror in his bathroom waiting patiently for him. He shakes his head and it almost feels as a part of himself quickly detaching from his body, that part that Jisung has been consecrating to Felix for the longest time now.

He takes the stairs quickly, feverishly, almost as if an invisible shadow was following him. When he tightens his fingers around the handle of the armored exit door, he stops for a second. You can still go back, you can go upstairs and back to your happy place. He looks at his fingers, skeletal and gnarled, attached to his hand only by a miracle. Jisung laughs when he goes outside, and it's a hollow laugh. It is still raining outside. His steps are slow and without rhythm, his legs barely able to give him direction as he walks with his head down, the thin, annoying rain tapping the back of his head.

He is not lonely, Jisung. Loneliness is a familiar feeling for him, almost intimate and comforting, and it would only confirm his normality. But Jisung feels alienated, out of touch with the world as never before, and he almost regrets the calm and peaceful feeling of voluntary isolation with which he has learned to live and settle.

He smiles to himself as he whispers against the wet sidewalk. “I have nothing left, not even my contempt”.

He thinks about Felix's words, his stories and justifications so enigmatic and elusive that he doubts he could even have uttered them, and he is surprised at himself for simply accepting them as an irrefutable truth, without even considering the possibility that they might be a lie. But then again, why would Felix lie to him? Felix is pure, he is innocent, and he is a virgin diamond; he has given up the burden of life that rejected him as dross. Jisung, on the other hand, could be a liar, with his identity he hates more than it’s human to hate and the rejection and disgust he feels for his petty image.

“Maybe I am the one lying to Felix. Maybe I am the one not existing”.

This probability invests Jisung in the exact moment his words leave his mouth, and the possibility shakes him until he loses his bearings. Is it so? Is it the truth? Jisung tries to think about when Felix came into his life, how much time has passed since their first meeting, but he cannot remember whether it is days, weeks, or even months that separate him from that moment. The only thing he is sure of is that he was able to sense his presence only after the incident. Felix's explanation rings crystal clear in his memory: it's the accident's fault. It reset the rational sphere of your brain. Suddenly Jisung is shaken by a laugh so violent that it almost sounds like a retch of vomit. He arches his back and abandons his arms along his sides as his whole body shakes from the vibrations.

“Did it reset the rational sphere of your brain? It's you that it reset, Jisung. Oh, for fuck's sake”.

His joints stop working for a second, and Jisung finds himself on his knees, his body still shot through with inconstant shudders. And it’s borderline comical that he is laughing so hard that he is even crying, with tears misting his eyes and mingling with the rain on his cheeks, because what keeps him from stopping is the awareness of the terror that will assail him as soon as he comes to his senses, when what is making him laugh now will leave room only for his thoughts. Unexpectedly, everything suddenly makes sense: the incident, the mirror, Chan's phone call, everything. Jisung raises his face to the sky and drops of water angrily hit his eyes, without shame or qualms.

“I am dead, and this is my purgatory”

And now there should be silence. In books, the discovery of truth is always followed by a silence that is unforgiving and leaves no hope.

Jisung turns around, and finds himself completely alone in one of the busiest streets of Seoul. No cars bottled up in traffic sounding any horns, no buses stopping at any traffic lights, no pedestrians looking around before crossing the street. The rain now falls fiercely on the bare, cold asphalt, and Jisung realizes he did everything wrong.

Death would have been his redemption, but he never died. Jisung is alive at the expense of another person, like a parasite. And, above all, this is not his purgatory. A purgatory is promised to those with a hope of atonement. Jisung, on the other hand, is an opal, and as every opal he continually forgets his nature, always seeking a chance that life has denied him from birth, on principle. This thought flares up within him, but its light is dim and soon gives way to a stubborn, rumbling sound of footsteps.

When Jisung looks for the strength to get back up, he realizes that he is further away than ever from the truth, since the silence around him no longer exists, and the noise is only the last drop in the jar filled to the brim.

And that is when he sees it. First he is far away, and he does not understand how it is possible for the sound to reach him, but then the stomping of the sidewalk becomes familiar and also alien, and his puzzle of possibilities explodes like a giant red

or a diamond

and Jisung instead implodes like a black dwarf

or an opal

as his eyes are completely dry from tears, and the rain continues to fall as always, because everything has always happened that way, and he has never learned how to play this game. In fact, Jisung's mouth remains open, and perhaps if he believed in a God now he would pray. But the sky is heavy and spits out its indifference to him.

He doesn't even realize when the blood begins to run from his nose and the taste of iron wets his lips, because the footsteps are now only a few feet away from him and the bitter laughter comes rumbling back into his throat, making him cough.

It could be a hallucination or a dream, but the noise is real, as are the bony legs advancing in his direction. The white sweater clinging to an anemic body is also real, and so are blonde hair covering black eyes. And the most real thing of all is a face Jisung knows as florid and full, but which is only emaciated and wispy under a blanket of clouds that seem immensely wrong above him.

Jisung bleeds and laughs. Blood covers his teeth, and his lament remains dry inside his chest as he watches a Felix, not his Felix, but one he doesn’t know, walking past him without noticing him, in the real world.

+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*━━━*+:★:+*

©️ jilixthinker, 2023. please do not copy, translate, or republish my works anywhere.

#skz felix #skz jisung #han jisung smut #felix smut #skz smut #stray kids smut #lee felix #han jisung #jilix #supernatural #angst #jilix smut

34 notes · View notes

noyaetnox · 1 year

Text

DIASOMNIA HEADCANONS:

The reader is in the 1st year unless stated otherwise🕴️

The series: DIASOMNIA / HEARTSLABYUL / OCTAVINELLE / POMEFIORE / SAVANACLAW

- if he were to ever play a game where he gets to customize his character, he's either going to make them as emo and dark as possible or a character from like Equestria girls, no in between

-> if he can't change it later, he'll definitely regret his choice

- bro definitely is that type of friend that would want his children to marry to the children of someone he knows. If he has a kid with you, he'd want them to marry like Vil's kid; or if he didn't have it with you, he'd want his child to marry yours

- loves private dates. That's it. Like, invite him to your place to eat, cook yourself and bro will marry you on the spot, or like a really quiet picnic or sum

- if they had Spotify in TW and you'd make him a playlist, he will cry. You'd be like: "Hey, Tsunotaro, I made you a playlist of songs I like which I think you'd like, too. Tell me what you think!" and bro will make you a 100 in return titled like: "waking up", "going to bed", "eating", "can't sleep" and shit. Bro is head over heels

- also also! I think he'd love k-pop if you ever introduced it to him. So many colors, such great music, the outfits. He'd attempt to learn a choreography and give up eventually. I feel like he'd like Twice, or BTS.

- you can't trust him to tell you shit, like bro loves you so much he will never tell you the truth. Like if you cook something and it tastes like literal trash, he'd say that it's so good, or you would wear the most ugliest clothes and bro will have heart eyes, please go to Sebek if you want an honest opinion

- will be very quick to mirror your antics, like he watches you so much he just starts doing things the way you do. It's the cutest thing

- would have a habit of carrying candy around for you. Like everytime you're stressed he will just toss you something sweet

- he's def awkward. If you cry in front of him, he won't know what to do. Will probably go get Lilia to comfort you and then gets lessons from him on how to comfort his child of man

- that said, no PDA with Mal. He might feel bold enough to hold hands from time to time, but every single display of affection is for you two only

- strongly believes humans need a hug a day to survive and will come to your door at 11:59 just to make sure you've had your daily dose

- please introduce board games to him. He will be the happiest alive

- very slight nsfw, but Lilia is def a thigh guy and you can't tell me otherwise. Bro would be sitting next to you and put his hand on your thigh, I don't accept any other opinions. I'd say more but let's leave that for the nsfw version

- will always give you gifts. No matter what it is, little trinkets, big gifts, a surprise kiss. His love language is def gift giving

- he loves your expression when he surprises you, man's in love. Please give him a kiss in return

- will cook for you and you'll just give it to Grim, and not even that little mf wants it. Like I'm sorry but he does not belong in a kitchen, and that's alright. He will absolutely not wash the rice and it will be crunchy, yet somehow overcooked and in a big blob. Man is a threat, his food could be made into bio weapons, if it already isn't.

- tell him everything softly, he may not seem like it but words hit him hard, unless you're returning his jokes, of course

- will watch over you, but will often let you deal with the situation by yourself first and only step in if he feels like it's needed

- you will become Silver's other parent, and Silver hates it (he's secretly over the moon), but Lilia couldn't be happier. He's always felt like Silver needed another human, because his knowledge was limited, so he also loves that, but your caring nature, and the way you take care of everyone without asking for anything in return has him soft, hands sweating, knees weak, insides warm

- hold his hand for the love of GOD. He likes holding hands, but will be into PDA for sure. I may also be so bold as to say that he enjoys it a little too much. Especially in front of your friends, like Ace and Deuce are HORRIFIED when they see the two of you, Ace will deal with it but Deuce will cry about it to his mom, Lilia is living life in moments like those

- will invite you to his club performances, says he sings to you often, but you've never heard him in private (bro accidentally gives you a sleeping curse and doesn't want to admit to it)

- will be asking about marriage after a week of dating. He's basically thought about it all before you started officially dating, and he has already decided that you're the one for him. He will not date just for fun, he might flirt, but he knows relationships are serious and therefore he will not dare cause anyone pain just because he wants to have a little fun

- will play games with you. Idk how you are with games, but he will not let you win (sometimes when he's in a mood, he might but I don't think he will)

- platonic: bro will adopt you and doesn't care. "Silver needs someone to play with," Silver the high schooler 🤨? In college🤨? But sure, you're basically living the best possible life. Lilia AND Silver + Malleus cuz he's going to immediately like you and Sebek because you're Lilia's child. Someone would accidentally walk into you and they're dead meat. Pray for them *cough* Ace *cough*

- is def sometimes confused about reality and dreams. He will need your reassurance in some things so please be patient with him

- really enjoys baking for others. He doesn't like cooking as much (but anything is better than Lilia in the kitchen so he will bite through for the sake of staying alive), but will make some amazing things

- soft puppy love and idc!

-> bro will hold your hand, light kisses, and just being soft in general. Because he was trained to be rough, you know, a soldier.

- puts your safety on the no.1 position in his life (I HC that he will follow orders even if they were to kill you) [he might hide you from everyone, though. He's in love, his heart will not be able to live knowing he hurt you :(] I also believe he just refuses to get angry at you (and you're happy he does because I just know he's gonna be scary af)

- quiet evenings where he naps and you read a book, the two of you sharing a single cup of coffee/tea/hot cocoa you name it, something else every time

- will have self-defense classes with you just in case he's not there when you need it

- loves bringing you small gifts, like flowers he picked up on the way to meet you, or little rocks (if you don't like rocks you like them now), stuff he made or baked himself

- lets you play with or braid his hair for sure

- he has a really healthy relationship with himself, so he let's you do anything to him

- will tell Sebek to stfu and stop yelling at you

- dates with him are very calm but he's always sad because you guys can't do activities like other pairs in case he falls asleep, so you have limited options and he hates that - please tell him that he's the most amazing person and it's enough that you get to spend time with him :(

- will joke around further into the relationship, like he doesn't look like it but he will tease the life out of you

- sleepovers that Lilia was a little too excited about. You're taking the whole of Diasomnia out for the weekend while Silver and I have a sleepover🤨?

-> Silver is embarrassed the whole time because of his father. The old man is crazy and will scare you away 😰

-> is surprised when you say that you don't mind

- will ask for your opinion on everything!

- platonic: you're basically his younger sibling now. Will follow you around for protection when he can. You're literally part of their family now, what do you mean you're not going to join them in visiting Briar Valley for the holidays🤨? Will bring you and buy you food, will secretly help you in any way he can (whether it's studies, or anything, really)

- "How DARE you befriend MALLEUS-SAMA?!"

- is secretly jealous he wasn't the first of Diasomnia to be your friend

- refuses to admit his feelings yet tells all of them to Silver. Like they're in their beds, Silver is basically asleep (REM) and Sebek just bring you up, like: "The prefect accidentally held my hand today and I couldn't stop feeling warm since, so I'm pretty sure they put a curse on me, and I will burn to death! Help me Silver!"

"Go to sleep, Sebek, you're fine,"

"I tell you Silver! They want me dead! If anything happens to me, it's the prefect's fault!"

-> he slept perfectly fine🤨 (if we ignore the dreams in which you kept holding his hand for real and not just accidentally)

- I HC that he gets very cold easily (bro is probably cold-blooded), so you two keep snuggling to one another at all times - he warms himself up in winter and cools you down in summer

- he definitely has crazy hair that he has to gel every. single. day.

-> you can't brush your fingers through his hair because it's hard. One big mass of gel and hair. He doesn't like that, so he sometimes doesn't put gel in just so you can run your fingers through and he can feel amazing once more

"No kissing before the holding hands stage!" But we've been literally holding hands for weeks 🤨

- yells at you. You got a little used to it by now but you still sometimes need some time alone to just rest your ears 🥲

- brought you home quite early into the relationship because he plans on marrying you, of course 🤨

-> his parents absolutely adore you and he's all 🥰 the whole time

- he can't communicate well, at all, but you can tell he's trying. ESP. after you started dating, his angry yells about being close to WAKASAMA😰 turned to angry yells about BEING SAFE AND WELL

- goofy guy

- will help you with studies

- is still very jealous of WAKASAMA, because why do you still hang out when you've got him? What do you mean he spends all his time at Malleus' side and that's unfair? It's his job to-

- we get it 😒

- I HC he yells because he'd rather have people not like him than be close to someone he will eventually loose

-> when you sleep together, he will cry while hugging you about how we won't be able to live with himself if anything happened to you

- he's so sweet in the most subtle of ways

- first kiss will be the most awkward thing ever but then he just kisses you all the time because he likes it so much

-platonic: hates you a lot at first because you're friends with WAKASAMA, bit you grow on him in the end. Feeds you for sure, but like rudely. I don't know how to explain, but he'll be like: "Here you don't have enough veggies on your plate😒 I haven't seen you eat breakfast, have my sandwich😒 You're going to Diasomnia to dine with us😒" cute mf

- I used to dislike Sebek so much when I started playing the game but now he's my bby 🕴️

The rest of the dorms will come out when I write them 😔 I've got a lot of school work but I write to de-stress so hopefully I will be stressed enough to write it soon

I would also like to do a NSFW version but we will see

246 notes · View notes

adira5780 · 1 year

Text

My wife's family is SO kind and accommodating of my dietary needs. Every time I go to a family gathering, whoever is hosting will check to confirm what I can eat and then they always make sure there's at LEAST one dish (plus rice) I can eat. (I'll eat non-kosher meat if it's from a kosher animal, so they'll usually have chicken or beef dishes. I've been with my wife for three years now and have never been to an event where they have nothing for me to eat)

I'm at a gathering now and they went WAY above and beyond. There were four dishes (plus rice) I could eat, and the hostess made EXTRA certain I knew which dishes I could eat. She stood beside me as I dished up my plate to make sure I only took things without pork/shrimp and made sure I saw everything they had for me, which was so kind.

But I can tell sometimes they wind up unsure about things. Tonight, for example, the hostess had a tray of sushi and she was carrying it around, offering it to everyone, but there was crab in it. And as she started to get near to me I could see her start to worry. Like, wide-eyed fear.

Because cultural etiquette for her says it would be very rude not to offer some to me, but I think she also worried it would be rude to offer me food she knows I can't eat. She was looking VERY concerned, but I managed to catch her eye and just gently shook my head with a smile and said "thank you though" and that seemed to solve the problem, since I'd now given indication that it was ok to skip me.

I just appreciate her family so much 🥺

They also go out of their way to include me in their conversations, even though they don't usually speak English with each other and I do not speak their language (Cebuano) beyond a few words and a couple phrases. (I'm trying to learn but finding formal resources for learning it is HARD. I have a couple children's books in it so I can at least do some practicing)

And my wife and I are having a wedding celebration this summer, so my plan is to make a speech on Cebuano for them, thanking them for being so welcoming to me! I wrote it in English and my wife translated it for me and she's going to help me practice the pronunciation and such.

It's literally the least I can do after how kind they've been to me.

21 notes · View notes

the-deceiving-doctor · 4 months

Note

Do you think you could ACTUALLY take out that version of Rubber Ball that fucking easily? The only reason they died right there was because they figured any sort of conversation with you would be pointless from that point onwards (which, i mean, NOT WRONG) and decided it would be better to just die and be recovered in their own universe. Do you think someone who took over CCI Island, something YOU'VE failed to do, would just let something like YOUR RICE LOOKALIKE WITH THE WRONG HUE KILL THEM WITHOUT A PLAN? And EVEN IF YOU WERE TO PUT THEM IN AN ICY GRAVE, RECOVERY STILL EXISTS JACKASS!!!! IF THEY DIED, THEY'D JUST BE BROUGHT BACK! And don't you even START insulting their Team RGB. It's not like your new one is much better. It's comprised of -- what, 3 rice lookalikes, Pent A. Gon, and a can of soda? Either way, irrelevant. Literally anyone can destroy a country. Hell, THIS universe's rubber ball did that LAST YEAR! Nuked literally every god damn country except Portugual! TO WIN A MOTHERFUCKING CAMP CHALLENGE! IF SOMEONE LIKE RUBBER BALL CAN DO THAT WITH LESS EVIL INTENT THAN YOU CAN WITH YOUR ENTIRE TEAM, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR TEAM'S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING FAILURE! And if monologuing too much is an issue, I regret to tell you this, but being an arrogant, cocky, good-for-nothing ASSHOLE IS WORSE! Also, like hell you'd be able to send your Red Rice after me even if you wanted to. You don't even know who (or where) the fuck I am!

Alright. Alright then anon. If you know EVERYTHING there is about being evil. Why don't you outdo me yourself? if you know EVERY fucking thing about being evil, outdo me. Take over the world. Judging from your CONSTANT judgement of my choices, you must have SOME way of outdoing me right. Go ahead. Show it to the class. What is it, the worlds next hubble telescope, but this time it has a laser attached to the end? I'd Like to see you TRY outdoing me in evil. Wouldn't matter though.

And as for them having a plan. Sure. Sure they did. If they planned to be sent back to their universe. I don't really care. I wanted them out of my hair anyways. Also: Who said i was gonna send helios after you? My target isn't you. that wasn't a lie. In fact. I'll Tell you exactly who they are.

^ this is a photo of them. Their name is mushy. if i really AM doing such a HORRIBLE job at being evil, go kill them. permanently. Should be EASY for you. That is if you can live up to your insults.

2 notes · View notes

frogsandfries · 6 months

Text

This has been weighing on me for

At least several days.

I had a dairy-heavy day recent-ish-ly, and then I noticed that I itched like I hadn't itched for months. My legs, especially the backs, where they'd been more enclosed, from the way I'd been sitting, itched like crazy and were covered in the worst hive/rash I've ever seen on my own skin. Like, normally, well, the new normal, is that my skin is dotted with little red hives. This time, the colors of my skin were reversed, and there were little spots and speckles of my base skin tone, but it was mostly flaming hive-red. Perhaps worse than my arms have ever looked since I got over covid and entered the post-covid phase.

I want to scream. I want to rage, but nothing I do will change this.

I still remember the zenith of my infection, feeling like my bronchioles had been iron-sealed and if I didn't fight for breath, to break up the shit in my chest, that was it.

We did everything we were told. We social distanced, we wore masks--properly. We kept our outings minimal.

And we both still. Fucking. Got. Covid.

And it has been wreaking fucking havoc on my body since and it's not fucking fair. I feel like I'm alone. No one else I know was impacted like this..... I'm mad as hell, but who even cares.... I could be dead. I could be Really Disabled (TM) by this......

Possibly the worst part is, all the resources say "months"....... I was struck with Covid in August of 2021......does that fucking sound like "months". This isn't fucking going away.

And I had no say over it. So much for the land of the fucking free. What fucking bullshit.

Well, I better talk to my doctor about getting an epi pen. After the other day with that allergic reaction to fucking seasoned chicken, and then this stupid fucking dairy rash. I'm not going to give up eating ice cream because it makes me itch like I've never experienced before. I already had to give up cow's milk on my cereal and fucking yogurt and cheese for the most part. What else am I going to have to fucking give up eating? Chicken?? Beef?? RiCe?!?!?

I will NOT.

Anyway, I'm just so fucking frustrated and upset and mad right now. It's been eating at me a bit. I can't talk to my dad because that person was rightfully relieved from my life...... I don't have any parents, I don't have any parental role models in my life...... I just feel like no one who's left would..........get it.....like I said, I don't know anyone else who's been impacted like this. It's not fucking fair.... Wasn't a kiwi allergy bad enough? Covid had to try to take away food that I shouldn't be eating just because I don't digest it very well, but literally cannot live without it as a part of my life? Why couldn't covid have taken foods I don't really eat anyway, like......I dunno, fucking marshmallows or hotdogs....

#covid #long covid #vent #rant

3 notes · View notes

xxlovelynovaxx · 9 months

Text

Blegh. So, after getting some IV prednisone from the ER yesterday, it's become abundantly clear that this new squash-sauce pasta that has made me actually enjoy eating for the first time in months IS causing histamine reactions and was at least part of the moderately severe anaphylactic state I was in for... well, probably the past few days.

The reaction is lesser because of the prednisone but I AM swollen throat to ear and sinuses and having difficulty swallowing which always sucks.

Once it's safe to, I can maybe trial and error the ingredients. Not sure if it's a spice issue or the "oat beverage" or the squash itself. Hopefully not the rice noodle pasta, but it shouldn't be. Also, the wheat semolina pasta DEFINITELY drove the initial flareup into a full blown crisis so that's out for now :(

Anyway, this sucks. Wish I could find an allergist that knew asthma from anaphylaxis around here -_- Seriously. I know more about MCAS than most doctors who SPECIALIZE IN ALLERGIES here. As in, half of them don't even know the NAME MCAS and the other half have to GOOGLE how to test for it (if they try to test my tryptase levels I stg I'll riot. Try actually up-to-date testing please!)

Plus last doc I saw basically said the only treatment was type 1 and 2 histamine blockers plus inhaler plus nasal spray and told me to stop using my steroid inhaler during an active asthma flare "to see if it helped". Didn't mention xolair treatments, didn't mention cromolyn sodium, didn't mention ketotifen, or montelukast or astelin or dupixent or literally ANY of the medically recommended treatments for MCAS!

And yes, I get we technically have to wait on a diagnosis, but I was asking 1) what is the course if we confirm it and also 2) I'm now allergic to all oral forms of most meds, insurance won't cover a compounding pharmacy until I get a diagnosis and I've been LITERALLY TOO SICK to advocate for myself or even pursue it, and might not cover it even then, I can't afford it without insurance (I can't even afford the vitamins that I'm so deficient in that I'm risking ORGAN SHUTDOWN. They cost $11. I'm already choking down plain rice for half the month, I can't afford MEDS). So like???

If doctors were competent I never would have gotten this sick in the first place.

Also I still have to fight my primary care doc over getting a wheelchair despite that medicaid will FULLY cover it for POTS alone, because they want me to be more abled and don't give a shit about my quality of life; and my psych med manager office barely allowed me to do telehealth even when I said I was housebound because they said they're "phasing it out". STOP "PHASING OUT" ACCESSIBILITY FEATURES YOU ABLEIST FUCKS.

That turned into a rant but anyway. All doctors are bastards etc etc I'd just like to keep breathing and have a pulse and stuff and like wish me luck that I can find a unicorn allergist or whatever

#MCAS #crip rant #ableism #POTS #severe vitamin deficiency #mobility aids #rant #cw ableism #internal screaming #maybe some external screaming too

3 notes · View notes

thekatebridgerton · 2 years

Note

Thank you for that thoughtful response to the ask about the Bridgerton musical lawsuit.

I worry so much when fans take advantage of a situation to make money off of fanworks because of what it might mean for the rest of us who don’t abuse the freedom we have right now to create transformative works.

I don’t view Netflix as the aggressor here at all, it’s almost like B&B forced their hand. And actually, I feel…betrayed by B&B for breaking the rules that we all know and potentially creating a more litigious environment for other fans.

Oh we all remember what happened the last time an Author took issue with the use of their copyright.

And if Bear and Barlow did not take caution from the legend of Anne Rice and the fanfiction dark ages then that's pretty awful of them. But every fanfiction writer born before the year 2000 knows why the famous

'I do not own this, I make no profit of this and the characters and story rightfully belong to the original author ' type of disclaimers still exist

Our community still bears the scars of Anne Rice lawsuit and there's nothing more dangerous for fanworks than when a WRITER takes issue with their intellectual property being used without their permission for profit.

Because writers are at the heart of all fanworks they can bring down entire worlds of content with one lawsuit. Mess with a writer, you mess with the foundation of fandom. You mess with fanfiction and fanart and music covers.

You think fanfiction writers aren't scared of a major fanfiction purge happening again just because someone got greedy? I was a kid and I remember the whispers in the fanworks community. Anne Rice is dead and she's still the fanfiction boogie man.

How do you think AO3 was born? It's literally held together by prayers and super glue just because it doesn't make profit and depends on donations. We do not profit off fanworks! That's rule #1 nobody wants to be the jerk who caused a lawsuit that made copyright law enforcement more intense

I honestly hope that Barlow and Bear settle this out of court. Because I don't want any of Netflix lawyers to get their hands on writer copyright law for Julia Quinn to win the case.

And while I do think Julia Quinn is nicer than Anne Rice and she's unlikely to go after all fanworks who may be marginally profiting from derivatives of her work. That's not true for other authors who can see this precedent as an opportunity.

I'd rather there be no precedent set in court. And honestly, I think Netflix should have been more direct with the wording and their lack of permission at the time for fans to get the idea that it's simply not done for profit.

I mean all of us wish we could earn money by creating fan made tributes to someone else's original work. Mostly because who doesn't want to make money out of something they're passionate about. But if you're passionate about the work of someone else then it's really unethical to make money out of it without their permission

To me it's really simple.

I thought that this was simple To the entire fanworks community as well. We do this for fun, because it makes us and other people like us happy to share what we love

I guess I also love that from fanworks. That it's non profit. This isn't anyone's day job, this is their escape, their refuge, their corner of happiness. Nobody comes to a fandom thinking about how much money they can make, they just come to relax, to enjoy, just because they're looking for something happy to happen.

Commercializing any type of fanwork kinda pops the illusion for me.

music and writing fanworks are meant to be enjoyed for free because it's done for fun

I mean I run this blog for fun. I write and read fanfiction for fun. It's definitely improved my mental health.

But there's too much pressure in society to make a profit out of people's free fun, else it's somehow not enough.

These girls won a Grammy! Why did they need to add paid performances to the package. It's unethical to profit out of fanworks everyone knows that. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see how this ends

Hopefully without a major struggle.

So far Barlow and Bear have refused to comment and I can't tell if that's good or bad news.

But here's hoping it's good news

#bridgerton #barlow and bear #netflix lawsuit

35 notes · View notes

northwest-cryptid · 9 months

Text

I found this image on my computer, which; without context is probably EXTREMELY confusing but it kills me every time I see it

I cannot tell you how badly I wish I could explain this game to you all, more specifically the adventure I went on with Chester but all I have left from the streams is this recap, which if you can forgive my god awful voice/audio summarizes exactly nothing everything and shows just how often my audience abuses the sound/music alerts video below the read more so it shouldn't randomly auto-play for anyone:

So, right off the bat horribly sorry for my god awful voice gracing your ears.

Other than that, for people who don't know; Kenshi is possibly my favorite open world sandbox game because it genuinely has so much to offer. It has no goals, it has no morality system nor does it try to tell you what is right and wrong. Kenshi just puts you in the world and asks you to survive however you want.

In the playthrough I'm doing on my streams I am playing as Chester, who's literally an old man who was a slave, escaped slavery, and lost all of his limbs; he has since been re-enslaved but broken out several times. I've decided that since he has been mistreated directly by slavers he would seek to rid the world of the two factions in the game that heavily support slavery, those being The Holy Nation (who are essentially a parody of Extremist Christians with their sexist and racist beliefs that anyone who isn't a Greenlander Male needs to be someone else's slave, or be killed) and The United Cities (who are basically Capitalism, I would say "Capitalism to the extreme" but no that's implied by saying Capitalism in the first place. Wealth is everything to them, how you get it doesn't matter; sell drugs, sell people; who cares as long as you make money in the end) as a result his journey has taken him all over the world.

Now normally in Kenshi you play as a group of characters you can set up a base somewhere, start up productions and do whatever. Kenshi is really well designed in that the world will come to you and happen at you but it will never treat you like anyone special even if you become a big shot. Taking out a few Holy Nation Paladins will get you a bad rep with the Holy Nation but no one is going to call you an Anti-Slaver hero, but if you take down Holy Lord Phoenix himself, you'll start to get a name for yourself both good and bad depending on who you ask. For every ally you make you make an enemy of someone else. If you build in bandit territory they will demand food to not launch raids, if you build in Shek lands they want their tribute for your colonization, if you build in the United Cities you better be ready to pay taxes. The world feels alive no matter how you play, and Chester is something of a nomad who just wants to explore the world and have one last adventure while leaving the wastelands a more peaceful place than he came into it as.

My current playthrough off stream is actually 100% different, I'm a lone barkeeper who set up shop in one of the towns of the United Cities, I would buy slaves and release them if they chose to stay with me I'd give them a job working at my pub. I was literally just a humble barkeep. Eventually I had the whole situation automated, we have robots manning everything, one running well water to the farmer, one working the farms harvesting crops and turning them into usable ingredients, another taking the ingredients and preparing food, another running that food to the front desk for sales, it was an elaborate and beautiful pipeline delivering grog, sake, and plenty of rice to the fine people of Stoat while simultaneously ridding the UC (United Cities) of their slaves, with the money lining my pockets it wasn't hard to buy out every slave shop I came across, and just release the slaves.

Oh yea and I have modded the game to all hell without a care as to what I was actually modding in, which means everything from vroid models to dinosaurs to uh... warframe grineer? For some reason?

So my playthrough kinda looks like this:

I kinda want to run you through this playthrough in hopes it will share some of why I love Kenshi with you. See the stats in this game are brutal and they only get better by being used. If you want to get tougher you need to be beaten, if you want to run faster you need to travel, if you want to make better clothing you need to do a lot of crafting. So with only 6 Athletics (which is nothing) and a dream, I took off to go get my Skeleton crew (Skeletons are the name for robots in this game) which are out in the Black Desert which suffers from constant acid rain and lightning storms... which are a slight problem, however that's not as much of a problem when I didn't even make it 5 minutes out the door before some bandits launched an assault on me because I happened to have a loaf of bread in my pocket, yea this game is UNFAIR and it's great but we'll get to why later.

^ See this in the bottom left? Those are your health bars, you don't get HP in this game you get values for your limbs. Your VITAL limbs are things like your head, chest, stomach, and obviously blood. The higher your toughness stat the lower those can go before you fall unconscious/die. However you can entirely lose arms and legs and still be okay, you can even craft your own limbs (or steal them in the case of Chester :P) to replace them, and in a lot of cases limbs are a trade off, maybe you're really strong but that strength means you don't have good finger dexterity so you can't pick locks or steal very well but you can bust open a door or hit someone really hard, scout legs for example give you a ton of movement speed as they're basically springs on your feet, but they don't have a lot of health value so if you get hit in the leg you're probably going down quick, not to mention you can't swim very well with large pieces of metal for legs. These trade offs are really fun and the way health values work in this game is something I hated at first but came to love as I played more.

Everything you survive in Kenshi literally makes you stronger, it's that age old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" yea it's that cranked up to 11, because wouldn't you know it after hiring some robots at a pub (they can only drink grog because it's basically oil to them, and yes they have oil not blood as a stat; man the devs really put so much detail into this game it's so cute) I got struck by lightning and left out in acid rain... with literally no protection from it.

However if you notice most of my stats are in the green minus stomach and chest... and my left arm but my VITALS are doing better because I already took a beating getting here, and I got tougher for it! God I love that shit so much it's such a cool concept because it means you organically grow over the course of the game!

So anyways we get back to Stoat eventually (I had to get one of the robots to carry me) and we begin to properly set up shop, it's real cozy since there's no real conflict and I have plenty of money (called Cats) to spend on resources right now

I even started making and selling weapons and stuff! I eventually had enough money I bought ANOTHER building and decided to turn this one into a big farm, we'd use moister farming to condense water in the air since we're in the middle of the desert and wells out here kinda suck for consistent water supply, we'll continue the use of hydroponic farming and start bread production from grain silos, yes all of this shit matters; Kenshi is a complex game with lots of moving parts, I mean hell there's a whole graph for making robotic limbs and it's fantastic, you have to know what to make at what crafting station and where it all needs to go, and what research you need to do to unlock it all. This game makes you work for your reward and then properly gives you a fitting reward when you can make shit like this:

This whole thing is a blueprint that contains 3 different types of farms (Vegetables, Rice, and Wheat) a grain silo to turn the wheat to flour, then an oven for baking that flour to bread, as well as Grog, Rum, and Sake distilleries, storage for it all, as well as 4 stoves all set to make various foods from the farms, the floor above this houses 6 water condensers that will generate passive water for us so the farms won't dry out, and you know what? This all pays off, we make literally over 100k just selling various foods and drink that cost nothing for us to make since we can now grow it all in house!

Just to give you an idea, there was a moment like this for Chester too, except Chester's moment was when he tracked down a tyrannical Skeleton warlord who had been literally making skeletons go haywire so he could have an army to commit genocide on anyone and everyone, Chester couldn't fight through the literal hundreds of thralled skeletons so instead we used stealth which we had been training for a good while now; and snuck into his throne room before carefully sneaking up and assassinating him. It turns out he has one of the strongest weapons in the game, something called a "Meitou Falling Sun" which is actually really important because the "Meitou" in that name is the weapon's grade, Meitou is a grade only given to 1 of each class of weapon, forged by an ancient blacksmith named Cross who was renowned as a legendary blacksmith who made top tier weapons. Now the Falling Sun is still WAY too heavy for Chester to use properly, but he was able to grab the warlord and turn him in to an anti-slaver group for a bounty, fun fact about that the anti-slaver group is ran by another Skeleton who used to be friends with said warlord but didn't agree with his system of going to war, and instead became an anti-slaver gigachad who doesn't even fight with a weapon.

Notice how in my Barkeeper run my big moment was automating a farm + kitchen combo and decorating my bar to be nice and fancy; but for Chester it was basically an elaborate stealth mission to assassinate/Stealth KO a warlord and change the global politics of the game entirely? Yea that's the freedom this game gives you, you will get these big rewarding moments no matter how you play. In one of my playthroughs that rewarding moment was hunting down a slaver group who had taken one of my characters and enslaved them, I broke everyone out of the camp including my old team member and despite effectively only getting back to square 1 (having both my party members in the party again) it felt super cool and rewarding to break them out of this elaborate slave prison and set everyone free to help me fight off the guards, because my whole playthrough changed when they got captured, suddenly I cared a lot more about lock picking and stealth and everything else took a backseat, I joined a group of ninjas and had them train me so I could sneak in and pick all the locks before opening all the cages and arming all the slaves with weapons from the storage rooms. Kenshi is an entirely unique experience every playthrough and speaking of playthroughs after I upgraded my bar I decided to take a little vacation out of the desert to go pick up some more friends, this time I figured I'd get some fleshy new hires since I want to diversify a little bit. While I was out, this Beak Thing (large carnivore creatures who when the game was released, could accidentally talk and would absolutely destroy you before saying "relax, enjoy death" which is the most terrifying shit) got stuck in our grog room

But he's still only a pup so we can't legally give him any alcohol, don't worry; he still hasn't left and he's now an Elder. I am trying to find the guy who will sell him to me because he's become something of a mascot for the bar. He also doesn't fit anymore...

So you may be wondering if there's plot or anything and well, there kinda is; and it's super organic and I love it to death. Okay so let's back up, now that I have an automated system I've begun going town to town and buying a bar in each major town in the UC this allows me to make money in town and then buy out the slave market freeing any slaves and hiring any who want to stick around giving them a weapon more powerful than a sword in the UC; money. In doing so I wound up in a coastal town called Bark where I was approached by a young woman and this dialogue happend:

It's a little hard to read but I'll summarize if you're not able to read it; essentially she asks if I'm from around here and when I ask if there's a problem by any chance she tells me she somehow fucked up with nobility, which in the UC is a big deal; like a "they will kill you" big deal. She tells me she NEEDS to get out of town, so I ask her what she was involved in; remember that if I get a bad rep with the UC my bars will be raided, all the slaves I have employed will be killed, I won't be able to fight the system so for now I have to play nice and that means I can't be helping anyone out if it costs me my own skin; plus I'm not some super strong anime protagonist, I'm a fucking barkeeper! I have no stats for fighting at this point and can't very well go to war with the UC over one person as much as I may want to help everyone. She tells me it's all a conspiracy and someone ratted her out, she needs to be gone by the morning so I tell her I'll see what I can do; yes you can actually disguise people and sneak them over boarders in this game it's incredible. However she tells me she only needs about 3k to bribe the guards to look the other way, 3k is pretty much nothing to me at this point so I say sure. After which point she joins our squad, I am then approached by another young lady looking to join up and get out of town; sounds good to me but I kinda need people here to run the shop in this town so I attempted to have a bit of dialogue to figure out why she wanted out so bad;

But she's an absolute riot, she tells me she has a pet Gutter (a species of Beak Thing) named Grimes and how she apparently has had a steamy affair with the barman's daughter and then even goes so far as to try to show me her weird rash but I figured we knew enough and you know we stan a lesbian with a weird rash.

But I couldn't just leave them here if they weren't well protected; so I set up a small fishing camp, and taught them how to farm, I even bought them a house and made good sure Khida was safe to leave town if needed.

I even installed a little Gutter weathervane for Ojillo on their farm

This game just has so much charm! Though I really need to get these two some clothes, most characters spawn with pants but not shirts; but the game is never weird about it so meh I'll pick them up some leather jackets from the shop down the road from my pub.

Now remember how I said I'm physically pretty weak? And how I can't really fight yet? Well to fix that I went ahead and used the skills I do have (in crafting) to make myself some martial arts gear, in this case this absolute insanely modded mess of a game showed me I could make Goku's gi and you know I have never seen Dragon Ball but that wasn't going to stop me, I even found a guy selling some weird robotic enhancements and bought that to go with it.

I essentially waited around at the gates of Stoat for wildlife, bandits, or threats of any nature to attack the town and when the guards would get involved I'd just back them up, it was pretty safe and if I was knocked out I had my pub staff nearby with medkits to pick me up and haul my ass back to bed. After a LONG time of this I was finally skilled enough at dodging, tough enough to take hits when I couldn't dodge, and actually skilled enough with martial arts; to explore the wilds out by where Beak Things live, I was hoping to get some beak thing eggs since they sell for a good price and I could use them in cooking some really nice stuff to sell at my pub, would absolutely bring in higher paying clientele and I'm all about that.

Oh and while I was doing all of this, the rest of the world was still actively going on around me, remember how I said I was freeing slaves? They were starting to take notice of this, and one of my ex-slave employee's Frump went by the slave yard to free some more people when this really wholesome interaction happened:

Kenshi really does a great job of making the world feel like it's happening around you but at the same time, taking notice of you. I love stuff like this, it's genuinely cool to see slaves notice my faction and know they have a chance of escaping because I set slaves free; and yet they don't immediately trust me just off my reputation because that's the kind of world Kenshi is, it's a world where for all they know I "free" slaves and then shoot them for sport, or feed them to my pet dinosaur for fun. Oh yeah my pet dinosaur, about that.

So remember how I said I was going to go get beak thing eggs for profit and money? I found a Western Tyrant instead, or at least a Juvenile one; a quick fight later and it was knocked out, I patched it up and dragged it's ass back to my house in The Hub where I was greeted by none other than Elma from Xenoblade Chronicles X and 2b from NieR; why? Because MODS BAY-BEE WOOOO!

ANYWAYS we put it in a cage so it can't kill us and we feed it until it trusts us, we name it Gura because it will become an Apex Predator, and now we are best friends :D

Look at it! I love this thing! It's so cute! It's still a baby so I have to be careful not to let it get into fights with things that could easily kill it but it's a tanky beast and I'm keeping it safe. Well...

OKAY LISTEN IT'S OKAY! THE RAGDOLL PHYSICS ARE JUST HILARIOUSLY WEIRD IN THIS GAME BUT I PROMISE IT'S OKAY!

On my way back to Stoat I found a group of nomads who were also traveling with animals and I decided to follow them, strength in numbers and all that; we're all friends here.

This game is honestly beautiful to me even on low settings; I love looking up from the desert wasteland and seeing huge planets floating over the horizon it really sells me on the scale of this world.

Eventually we got to a town where I hadn't had a chance to set up a shop, the Nomads just brought me to an entirely new place; so I ran by the local bar to pick up a new hire and well, interview went great!

I literally asked if they had any potential skills they said no, and I hired them on the spot!

Oh yea I also found a guy getting chased around by a "processor unit" which are basically robotic vulture raptors that eat dying things; he was beat up pretty bad in a fight and woke up from his recovery coma because the unit was eating his flesh, and then the pathfinding decided he should RUN IN CIRCLES

So I see this looney tunes bullshit off in the distance while I'm traveling; gotta love it. Good luck dude! Some say he's still out there running in circles to this day.

This happened by the way because he was trying to attack the unit, and the unit was trying to attack him and the pathfinding wouldn't just let him turn around, and dear lord it was hilarious.

I was also laughing really hard because I sent my friends THIS picture which looks like the most generic youtube clickbait thumbnail, but was meant to express how much hell I was going through trying to transport all my goods over to the next town which was so heavy I couldn't move faster than 4 mph but of course there were a ton of things in the desert at this exact time of day, that want me dead:

I guess what I'm trying to say with this extremely long rambling, is that I genuinely love Kenshi for how much love and care and soul it has. Every character I encounter has a story, something to say, something to do. I wander into a town and someone tells me about this legend they heard and they want to join me to go hunt down some treasure somewhere, or I'll stumble into a pirate town where anyone who doesn't know the pirate code is immediately taken in to become a slave and work your way up through the ranks because you're an obvious outsider; but you can buy a pirate code book off a drunk guy super cheap at a bar and then pretend to know enough to not get caught. Sometimes I'm running through a place just for travel and stumble upon "Skin Bandits" who are Skeletons who think they're human, and they're all friends with a human who's their leader; and made them "peeler machines" to peel the flesh off their "flesh brothers" and wear the skin as a suit; genuine horror shit right there and I love it. Kenshi has so much packed into it, you could be a leviathan hunter seeking riches from battling behemoths that roam the land, or you could be a barkeeper who just wants to settle down in a quiet town and run a shop, or you could be an anti-slaver and free the oppressed people of the world; and hell there's nothing saying you have to play this way. If you prefer to be a morally bad person in games you can join the Holy Nation, you can become a slave trader; you can steal and kill to your hearts content because the game will never point a finger at you and say "you're being morally bad and mean and rude!" Instead you are chased down by the police, you might have to break out of jail, you might have to fight and die to get out of prison or to get away because you may get caught trying to rob people. Kenshi is immersive because it never tells you "no" outright, it plays like a huge game of D&D where everything is fair to the point of being brutal and unfair. Like the game doesn't deem you anyone important, you're just another person; so every choice you make matters but not in some grand scheme kind of way.

And what's really cool about it is, if you do want to be some important person, you can do that too! If you take out a big political name, someone else will make moves to take their place; other factions will move into the land and take up residency and you can sway how the game map will turn out. You can help the Shek reclaim their land, you can help the Holy Nation colonize everything, you can help the United Cities get even richer, or you can hang out in the swamps with the turtles; they're cute as fuck dude I love those little guys.

Yes the game is buggy, and yes you should probably mod the fuck out of it because there's a ton of ways to cheese it and honestly sometimes a bit of quality of life mods can go a long ways toward making a game more fun.

But I ultimately think this game deserves a look if you're into these sort of genres; explore the world, see what it has to offer; and just have fun with it. If you're curious and don't wanna play it yourself you're always welcome to check out my streams, Chester's quest to get all his stats to 100 is about to start back up again, we still need to put an end to the Holy Nation and make Chester the gigachad he deserves to be; so if you can handle my absolutely aggravating voice come hang out if you feel inclined.

Anyhow thanks for reading all of this, hope you enjoyed it; I could gush about Kenshi and it's little details all day but I'll spare you since this post is long enough as it is.

#long post sorry #oh god theres a really dumb 6 minute video under the cut #and you can hear my dumbass voice sorry about that lol #i love this dumb game so much

2 notes · View notes

ed-recovery-affirmations · 10 months

Note

I mean my parents do eat carbs everyday but my mom she has celiac along w a lot of gi problems and can’t eat a lot of foods bc of sensitivities and can’t even eat the diet she was given for her lipedema but she’ll say weird things like “I have to eat junk food” and the “junk food” is literally potatoes and rice…

So it sounds like your parents have a lot of conflicting health issues that make it difficult to eat the way their bodies need them to, and that's affecting their relationship with food. And when they voice the issues they're having, it influences your relationship with food, too.

As someone who has a chronic health condition that influences my relationship with food, I'd recommend you don't expend your own emotional energy trying to change their relationship with food. You need to heal yourself, and trying to change their perspective from an outsider's view will only make them feel misunderstood. It's very isolating to have a health disorder that limits what you can eat, and due to their bodies' responses, they may not be able to follow advice in the way that it applies to you. For example, if you do not have any health conditions, I would advise you to stick with very simple intuitive eating - no food is bad food, no food will affect your health as badly as an eating disorder, etc. But when certain health problems come into play, it gets a little complicated. Unfortunately, experiencing scary, unpleasant bodily reactions to food does force you to self-monitor constantly, worry about whether what you eat is going to be a "trigger food", and have to follow a strange or restrictive dietary schedule. I feel like having a chronic health condition influenced by food basically forces you to have an eating disorder. It sucks, but this is not something you can fix, and it's not your responsibility to fix. I do recommend you take a mental "pause" when you hear your parents saying things like this, and try to remember that their beliefs are coming from this place of their health conditions influencing their everyday experience of food. If they have found some dietary pattern to follow that helps to minimize their symptoms, then I am not medically qualified to instruct them to change that diet without working with qualified medical professionals who can help.

What I do know is that I would advise you NOT to follow these restrictive rules, and to work with a doctor if you have any concerns about your health, as a doctor or nutritionist will be able to help you plan out the best way to get complete nutrition while supporting your specific health needs.

The real difficulty is living in a shared space with your parents. Their lived experience with food is very real, but you seem to be negatively feeling the influence of the anxieties they have developed around food. So how can you work with them around this? Do you think they would be open to listening to your needs regarding their refraining from giving you diet advice? Would you be able to have a conversation with them about how this affects you and how, if you experience any health symptoms yourself, you will need to work with a qualified doctor? Are you able to get some mental space from them so that you can reframe the things they say in your mind as "that's their experience, but it does not apply to me?"

#food mention #food purism #long post #family relationships #chronic illness

3 notes · View notes

having-conniptions · 10 months

Text

KinnPorsche ep 13 Rewatch Rambles:

The op always gets me so pumped

OH HOLD ON OH FUCK I NEED TO PAUSE 1 SECOND INTO THE EPISODE BECAUSE I KNOW VEGAS IS ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING THAT MADE ME HAVE TO PAUSE 5 SECONDS INTO THE EPISODE THE FIRST TIME AROUND BC I NEEDED TO COLLECT MYSELF

I AM NOT READY

SO I'LL JUST BE STARING AT VEGAS AND PETE HOLDING HANDS AND LOOKING SOFT AND PRETTY

Also I wanna know when and how Vegas put the one handcuff back on Pete's wrist I NEED TO KNOW

"Do you know how sexy you are?" WELL VEGAS DO YOU KNOW? BECAUSE AAAAAAAAAA *yeets myself into the sun*

And Vegas' thumb gently stroking Pete's palm?? why is the most unhinged couple also the most sensual and soft one I am going to flip

Vegas honey you're still a freak

The way he looks at Pete, the way he smiles at him... 😭❤️

Omg the "lunch with dad" scene aaaahhh the awkwardness

Also the lack of communication between Kinn and Porsche YET AGAIN

VEGAS COOKING FOR PETE AND HAVING HIS INGREDIENTS PREPPED AND READY TO GO LIKE THE WIFEY THAT HE IS

AND HE LOOKS SO HAPPY WHILE DOING IT 😭❤️ and the food looks sooooo good

Sorry I'll be very annoying about VP in this ep

Homophobic Dad™️ interrupts yet again and Vegas goes straight back to hurt little boy mode (but with a touch of sass this time)

Kinn trying to communicate but being unable to do so without flirting is so on-brand

Side note: Porsche bounces his leg when he's stressed

TALK TO EACH OTHER

Nooooo I can't go through the VP drama again

When Vegas sits down next to Pete and they look at each other you can tell something has changed for both of them. Something has shifted. Holy fuck this hurts

Vegas trying soooo hard not to lose it in front of Pete even though it wouldn't be the first time, the shift in their dynamic and Vegas' fear of vulnerability making him overcompensate with anger and violence, Pete switching from "hopeful" to "just fucking kill me" because all he really wants is to get out of there, with or without Vegas, dead or alive, he's confused, he's overwhelmed, he's hurt, he's ashamed, WILL THIS COUPLE EVER STOP MAKING ME INSANE? NO

Again Tankhun is the only one with at least one braincell

VEGAS' FACE WHEN PETE SAYS "NOT EVEN MY HUMANITY" HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO PASS OUT HE REALIZED WHAT HE'S DONE AND AS SOON AS PETE STARTS WITH THE SELF-HATE VEGAS IS SCARED OUT OF HIS MIND HE IS SO SCARED TO HURT HIM EVEN MORE SO SCARED TO LOSE HIM

The harder you hold on to something the more it slips away huh

The way Pete gingerly touches Vegas' face one last time before apologizing and knocking him out I AM GOING INSANE

Khun's funeral outfit kinda slays

If I fully believed Pete was dead I'd cry like that too

Porsche hiding behind Kinn's back by climbing him like a tree will never not be funny

This show switches between angst and comedy so effortlessly istg

Speaking of which, back to angst.

"Tell me who did it, I'll handle it right away" oooooh but Pete doesn't want that does he

"Please believe me. I'm asking you" 😭😭😭 basically please stop asking bc I don't know how much longer I can hold it together if I have to keep lying to you

Kim come on wtf did you expect

THE POLAROIDS 😭 they were together for longer than the show made it look like huh?

Kim fucked up but still it hurts to see him cry

And then it cuts to Vegas sitting alone in front of TWO (2) plates with rice and several bowls of toppings

AND THE WHOLE TIME THE BREAKUP SONG IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND

And Vegas is crying into his rice and Pete is crying into his noodles and I am suddenly obsessed with Pete's hands

PORSCHE! TALK TO KINN YOU IDIOT

Pete looks so good wearing jewelry aaaaa and that shirt (I want it) he's so pretty wtf

"And this is for Pete." Porsche is literally bestie goals I fucking love him

"I was blinded by the adults" newsflash Vegas you're an adult too

"SHOOT ME!" whyyyy does VegasPete have to hurt so fucking much

Pete ugly sobbing into Vegas' shoulder was so fucking raw

Porsche knows Kinn's schedule by heart awww

Kinn "meeting" Porsche's parents and immediately shit-talking Porsche hahahahahah

SAPPY KINN AND FLUSTERED PORSCHE 😭❤️

Oh I almost forgot about the balcony pool scene

I can NOT see this scene the same way ever since I noticed the huge "Deutsche Bank" sign in the background it's too distracting 😂

The way Porsche softly caresses Kinn's face while he sleeps and then gets interrupted by a text from Vegas 😭

Kim is worried 👀

Scumbag uncle is still a scumbag but at least he was telling the truth

Wish we could have explored the Vegas & Porsche vs Kinn & Pete dynamic more tbh u know just for the angst

Someone gotta tune that piano

Not Korn having Porsche believe he's Kinn's cousin for a hot second

#ooof its a long one #and mainly vegaspete #sorry not sorry #kinnporsche ep 13 #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche rewatch

2 notes · View notes

kwiiwi1 · 10 months

Text

(ok so I realized I haven't introduced my poly polynesian OC relationship so imma do it rn)

INTRODUCING.. VĀ-KĀ YIPPEE ✨️✨️✨️

Vā-Kā is this kinda NZ K-pop group / band I made way back in lockdown, which was 4 years ago, and have since then been thinking about sm (along with all my other 100+ OC's but shh I'll talk about em in another post maybe lolz)

I created them because I was really bored and sad, and it was like, "mm wonder if there's like an NZ K-Pop group... imma make my own for funsies 😈😈😈"

It was supposed to be like a one-off thing, but they turned into this v real thing I could pull off when I'm older and have more experience with art, like I'm literally crying inside because the edits I could animate?? the music?? the unofficial photoshoots?? them in general?? so many ideas are crammed in my head fr

Anywaysss onto like actually talking about them!

There's 8 members overall, 6 girls and 2 dudes, and they're all best friends turned band / K-pop group turned lovers (cause I'm a sucker for friends to lovers fr)

It's kinda like a K-Pop group but not really it's like.. looser. Idk

I will post proper art of them eventually, but I'm so worried about like repping em wrong since like 7 members are POC, and even tho I'm POC, I'm feeling like I'd do something wrong so yeah

But anyways, time for actual lore stuff hooray 🥳🥳🥳

(Lore under the cut lolz)

Members:

💜 Tori Tuigamala / Lunar 💜

Tori is the oldest of the group and is one of the main leaders (the group doesn't really have leaders, but they all follow her and Kora since they both have the most level heads about shit.). She's introverted and a bit motherly, except its kinda like she'll nip you around the ears if you don't listen to her fr.

It always feels like she's the one who knows what to do because of how organized she is. She seems to plan out everyones schedule without their permission, even if it comes from a good place.

However, she follows through with the promises she makes every time, and actively tries to own up to whatever wrongdoings either her or her group cause, while watching out for the groups safety because she cares and loves them all so much, even if she doesn't say it enough like she'd want to.

Silly facts:

Dyslexic so often she'll record her notes through voice messages or voice-to-text to make it easier. Otherwise, Kora will note the stuff down when they're in meetings n stuff

Loves mochas, ube roll, chocolate chip cookies, and straight black coffee

insomniac, probably

Smells like pomegranate

Samoan-French, has 2 dads and a younger sister, Toni, who's also in the band

25 years old, oldest member. Bday is 31st August, starsigns a Virgo

Her as a squishmallow would be Violet the Octopus

Bisexual and Demigirl, pronouns are she/her + they/them

Height is 5'9"

A friend said that her clothing style would be similar to Hoonjoong from Ateez, and from analysing, it'd be like.. baggy shirts tucked into high-waisted pants or mom jeans-eque pants, washed out colours, sweaters, and cardigans, generally very soft and casual yet trendy if you style it right yknow

Seungmin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, and Yoongi-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is purple 💜💜💜💜💜

One of the main singers of the band/group, the other one is Harper

Music taste is like.. jazz. soul music. R&B. idfk fr 😭😭😭😭

Voice claim is AACACIA cause I've always felt like she'd have this kinda deep-ish soul voice that's a lil bit floaty and lilty (idk how to explain my brain properly fr) and like.. soon as I listened to AACACIA, she just fit

Probably had an emo phase. or a vampire phase. maybe both. we don't talk about it

Eats plain rice when she's stressed, bored, overwhelmed, or all three (like me 😍😍😍😍)

Link to voice claim: https://youtu.be/bAAExYOc3VY

💙 Diana Kim / Fluxx 💙

Diana's a smartie seems so very cold and somewhat distant to the public because of how harsh and blunt her remarks come off as.

Their fandom + her group know that she isn't at all like that and that she has trouble communicating her feelings properly. She loves to talk about space and / or the ocean (it changes each day), makes clothes for group sometimes, does photography, and is actually a very soft and caring person, she just doesn't know how to express it properly sometimes.

It takes her a bit of a while to tho, and when she does, she puts in a lot of time and effort. On the inside, she's very expressive and ambitious, always eager to learn something new, and is encouraging her group with how she sticks constantly to one goal until she makes it without Diana realizing her effect.

Silly facts:

Loves earl grey tea, caramel brittle and carrot cake.

Smells like peppermint

Blasian (African-American + South Korean), has 3 parents (two are her birth parents)

24 years old. Birthday is 16th December, starsign is Sagittarius

Her as a squishmallow would be Perry the Dolphin

Bisexual and Demisexual, pronouns are she/her

Height is 6'0"

Friend said that she'd dress like smart but fashionable. Has a similar style to Seungmin or Hyunjin from Stray Kids, so it's half comfy and fashionable n half smart and fashionable

Changbin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, also Yoongi-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is blue 💙💙💙

Plays keyboard / synth for the group

I'm not sure what her music taste is either, but it feels like a mix of classical and jazz music + BTS

Voice claim for her is Bic Runga

Ocean and space hyperfixation, my dudes

Takes photos of her members lovers and sticks it up on her room walls

BTS stan, biases are SUGA / Yoongi and RM / Namjoon

Has an Avatar (blue people) OC lolz

Link to voice claim: https://youtu.be/WJXfwo68C4M

💚 Asher Kieu / virt2 💚

Asher is v v quiet and soft-spoken, barely speaks up in the interview's or stuff the group has. Even though Asher's quiet most of the time, she's very perceptive and can often pick up on what others don't, making her a real good listener.

Is secretly a good cook + baker and sometimes plays piano pieces for the group or the fandom when she has the time on her solo livestreams. (I say secretly cause none of Vā-Kā let her into the kitchen. There's like... a 75% chance she'll set the entire thing on fire. Maybe. Probably.)

She's a very emotional kinda person, can kinda come off as being a bit sensitive even if she doesn't mean to get hurt. The fandom + members compare her voice to like an angels because of how like soft and gentle it sounds. It helps some of their fans, n tbh Asher loves being able to inspire their fandom even if she doesn't involve herself as much as she would like to.

Silly facts:

Likes mint chocolate chip ice cream, lemonade and caramel apples

Smells like vanilla sugar cookies.

Dark skin Vietnamese (still need to figure out the deets), also has 3 parents and a younger brother

23 years old. Birthday is 25th February, starsign is Pisces

Her as a squishmallow would be Serene the Squirrel

Pansexual and Genderqueer, pronouns are she/her + he/him + they/them

Height is 5'5"

Friend said that asher would dress in stuff that's really comfortable, like it doesn't have to look crazy good it just has to be comfy for them to hide and not draw attention yknow

Hyunjin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Jimin-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Fav colour is green (more specifically, mint) 💚💚💚

Backup vocals for the group, n plays acoustic guitar + piano if needed

I have literally no clue for what she listens to 💀💀💀💀💀 maybe like lofi, but I'm not sure yet

Voice claim is Georgia Lines (found her on a NZ mix playlist on Spotify and she kinda stuck instantly)

Strong self-esteem issues (me too ✨️✨️✨️✨️). doesn't choose to be in the spotlight in case it's seen as them showing off

Loves baking. Secret hobby of hers. Has a lil secret room in her room where she bakes and vibes

Autistic probably (me pt 2)

🧡 Kora Faletau / sivk 🧡

Kora is a grouchy but lovable and stupid idiot, keeps the group in check when they're in public, and helps to lighten the mood with some self-deprecating jokes at his expense.

Very intelligent. Smartiepants. High IQ mother fucker. Really tall. And strong. uh. yuh

Is almost always done with the groups shenanigans (especially when Harper, Micah, Toni, and Alto are being lil asshats), but he deals with it because they're the only thing that keeps him sane.

Most honest person in the group tho, will not be afraid to call you out on your shit. You lie to him, he will wrestle ur ass off that high horse in a second (he inherited his mother's sass and attitude to a point ong)

Silly facts:

Likes pizza n pasta despite being lactose sensitive / intolerant. Dumb shithead

Smells like strawberries

Tongan-Latino, youngest of 4 siblings (3 older sisters) n a single mum

23 years old. birthday is 21st September, starsign is Virgo

Them as a squishmallow would be Gary the Giraffe

Demisexual Pansexual + Nonbinary, uses he/they pronouns

Height is 6'3", tallest member

Friend said that Kora would wear whatever he pulls out of the closet and somehow he'd still make it work, so they don't really have a set style and it's all over the place but it fits them

Bangchan and / or Changbin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Namjoon-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Fav colour is orange 🧡🧡🧡

Bassist, does keyboard/synth when Diana's not free + main rapper

Listens to rap n stuff, like Kendrick Lamar, J.Cole, Logic, and then siren jams because man's would not be complete with blasting some shitty siren jam early in the morning

Voice claim for him is Kings because he's kinda got like a deep kinda scratchy n smooth voice fr

V v Bangchan n Changbin-core like have you seen this dude work out. Mans used to play basketball too cause of his height, so he'd probably be real good at sports shit n like lean n built n muscular lolz

Hates physical contact when they're in interviews or other (hugs and kisses in front of people make him lose his confidence and gets him all embarrassed and shy), but loves it when the groups behind closed doors.

💛 Harper Mayfield / Sun-E 💛

Harper is an absolute ball of sunshine, jokes around and makes fun of her friends, very energetic, and hypes everyone up.

She's always on the move, whether it be from cleaning, cooking, to her favourite dancing, she's always found to be doing something in order to improve on herself.

Bros surprisingly wise and almost always manages to talk down confrontations, and her smile is known to brighten up both the group and their fandoms day. Whenever she makes someone happy, she's happy.

Silly facts:

Likes lemon drops, turkish delight, fry bread

Smells like coconut cream and ginger

Māori-Australian, is the youngest of 4 siblings (1 older sister and 2 older brothers) n a single mum

22 years old. Birthday is 5th June, starsign is Gemini

Her as a squishmallow would be Kayla the Koala

Pansexual + Genderfluid , uses any pronouns

Height is 5'11"

Friend said that Harper has like a simple style, like a shirt and jeans with the occasional jacket here and there, plus a lot of accessories. Either that or she'll wear really colourful n confident clothes that she pulls off really easily, so she v much has a style similar to J-Hope from BTS

Jisung-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Hobi-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is yellow 💛💛💛

2nd Main Vocalist + Saxophonist for the group

Listens to anything she can dance to, so it'd be like a mix of Hip Hop n Rap. I have a playlist of songs I think she'd dance to for funsies lol

Voice claim is Kimbra, idk she fits fr fr

Down bad. Down horrendously. Easy to fluster and easy to please. Silly silly Harper

Makes a lot of kandi n stuff for the group as accessories for when they dress up n shit. Loves it sm

❤️ Micah Tyjani / DUSK ❤️

Micah is very laid back and chill, takes a whole lotta shit to piss her off. She sometimes helps out Kora with cooking or the younger members (Toni and Alto) with being stupid as shit, but she goes with the flow most of the time.

She's a night owl kinda person too lol. Most of the group go to her for a place to vent or cry because she's so laid-back and lax with it, and she welcomes it all, as she always makes sure to check up on her members.

She cares a lot, and she cares very deeply about all of them, just like they all care for her fr.

Silly facts:

Likes red velvet cake and mashed potatoes

Smells like gingerbread

Nigerian-Haitian, born to two dads (one of them was a seahorse dad)

23 years old, birthday is 13th July, starsign is Cancer

Them as a squishmallow would be Bailey the Llama

Unlabeled + Bigender, uses she/him pronouns

Height is 5'8"

Friend said that Michas style would be a mix of both Harper and Ashers, so like simple and comfortable clothes with a lot of accessories and bright colours lolz

Seungmin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Namjoon-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is red ❤❤❤

2nd Bassist of the group + 2nd rapper

Listens to Hip Hop n Rap n like other stuff. Still need to think fr

Voice claim is Ladi6

Works out with Kora. they're both so 🤤🤤🤤🤤 PLUS she can beat people up if they need to, so boom banger

🩷 Toni Tuigamala / Eris 🩷

Toni is the absolute opposite of her older sister. Where Tori is organized and figured out, Toni is brash and all over the place.

Although she fools around a lot and kinda comes off as a bit of a jerk, she can be quiet and caring when needed mhm mhm

Unafraid to speak her mind, and probably joins Kora in the "I shall beat u up with my words and my wit" category. Her wit is sharp, but her tongue is even sharper fr. Sassy lil shit.

Offers the best fashion advice and makes sure that everyone looks their best.

Silly facts:

Likes rice pudding and raspberry cheesecake

Smells like waffles and maple syrup

Samoan-French, two dads, and ofc her older sister Tori

22 years old, birthday is 17th April n starsign is Aries

Her as a squishmallow would be Reina the Butterfly

Omnisexual (with the teeniest lean towards women) + Pangender, uses she/they + he/him pronouns

Height is 5'7"

Friend said that Toni would have a similar style to Tori since she's her sister, but like sometimes when he's in the mood, he'd wear something chic. They said that there isn't really a specific theme, but that's how Toni is, she doesn't have a certain theme but if it works it works lolz

Lee-Know-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Tae-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is magenta, but I use this soft pink heart for her lolz 🩷🩷🩷

Drummer for the group

Listens to FLO n like.. idk sexy bitch music. she is the moment slayy 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽

Voice claim is Aaradhna

Flirty. So flirty. So pretty. Gets under Harper's skin a lot, but in a flirty sexy way yknow

🩵 Alto Manukuo / Alto 🩵

Alto's the sweetheart himbo of the group, the bro who can manage to make everyone swoon for him without even trying. Very sweet and kind, has the ultimate puppy eyes tbh

Sometimes, he surfs when he's got the time, but most of the time, he spends it doing gymnastics and / or working out and / or playing with Toni. Likes helping out around the groups house and gives the best hugs for such a short guy. Always energetic and bubbly, will not stop until he'd able to make your day better.

(He's so puppy I NEED HIM 👹👹👹👹👹)

Silly facts:

Likes honeycomb n milk and fry bread

Smells like peach and custard pie

Indonesian-Niuean. youngest of 3 siblings, has 2 older brothers n their two mums

21 years old, birthday is 30th March, starsign is Pisces

Him as a squishmallow would be Harrison the Dog

Bisexual + Genderfluid, uses any pronouns but mainly he/him and she/her

Height is 5'6"

Friend said that though Alto is a cutie because they work out / do gymnastics, so they feel like their closet would mostly have like sleeveless shirts n cropped tops, similar to Bangchan from Stray Kids. Otherwise it'd be soft sweaters n sweatpants because yes

Jeongin-core from the "Which SKZ member are you?" quiz, Jin-core from the "Which BTS member are you?" quiz

Favourite colour is teal, but I use this like light blue emoji for him 🩵🩵🩵

2nd backup vocalist + Electric Guitar for the group

Listens to I have no fucking clue, but it'd be like flowy n vibey yknow

Voice claim is Shaan Singh from Drax Project, absolute loml 😍😍😍😍😍

Golden retriever energy. himbo. solid himbo energy mans onggg

Works out a lot too. Stronk. Squidgy. Need him

Still can't get rid of that CHUNKY THICC ASS 😫😫😫😫😫

#I applaud anyone who actually reads thru all of this ong #vā-kā

3 notes · View notes