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poppywrites41 · 2 years

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The Shelter (Levi x Fem Reader)

Once again, I am posting a fic at an ungodly hour… But who cares! When I finished writing, it was 23 FLIPPING PAGES on Word LMAO!! I like this one. Gonna be completely honest here, I wrote this thinking about MAPPA Levi, not WIT Levi, even though it is set a couple of years before Eren and his friends join the Survey Corps. I hope you all enjoy this one! Feedback is always appreciated!

Warnings: MINORS GET OUT Language, Violence?, Smut (masturbation), titans(🤢)

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Attack on Titan Universe. All of these characters and most of the plot of this fic belong to my mortal enemy Isayama...

Masterlist

“Alright soldiers! Look alive!” Commander Erwin yelled as the Survey Corps approached the ginormous gates of Wall Rose to the Trost district, “Obey your captain’s command, follow every instruction, and don’t get lost.”

All the horses stopped at the gate as Erwin signaled the Garrison to open the gates. Y/N gulped as she watched the metal barrier being lifted. She has done this multiple times, yet she still gets shivers every time they leave the safety of Wall Rose. She recalled what happened the first time they left to scout after the attack of the Shiganshina district after she joined the Corps. There were titans waiting for them past the gate and they lost many good soldiers that day. It’s been a couple of years, but it still sends shivers down her spine…

“You okay, Y/N?” the girl’s friend, Petra, asks as she moved her horse closer to Y/N’s.

“Yeah…” Y/N sighed, “I always get goosebumps every time we leave this place.”

Petra nodded as she took a sip of water from her canteen, “Yeah so do I. But we’ll be fine! Levi has never lost one of us!”

Y/N scoffed, “That’s because he always makes sure we are all glued to each other’s sides. He hasn’t let us go after any titans on our last two scouting missions. He’s always so focused on finding more holes in Maria. Isn’t killing titans our job?”

“You’ll get your chance to kill titans soon,” Petra giggled, admiring her friend’s courage, “For now, we listen to our captain and do what we need to do now.”

Y/N groaned, “It’s like his old age is showing and we are feeling the effects of it.”

Petra snorted, looking back to see their captain zoning out as Hange excitedly rants on about her titan research, “Don’t let him hear that! You’re the best on our team, Y/N! I heard rumors that you might take over as second in command for our squad from Eld.”

“Like I would wanna be second in command to our grandfather,” Y/N snorted back, leaning closer to Petra to whisper to her friend, “How old is he anyway? Does anyone know?”

“Old enough to know that you two should be preparing yourselves to leave rather than griping like children.” A deep voice said, jolting the girls into an upright position on their horses.

“Captain!” they both saluted.

The dark-haired man eyed Y/N, “Anything you wanted to say to my face, Y/L/N?”

“N-No Captain!”

“We were just wondering if we will be going after titans, sir!” Petra said, “All we’ve done was survey the area outside Rose…”

Levi glanced at Petra and looked back at the other girl. He knew she was the one who was restless to kill titans. Y/N is a good soldier. She had an efficient killing streak. He admired her tenacity against the beasts. He was thinking about promoting her to second in command, but she lacks the discipline to know when to fall back and when to resist the temptation to go off and kill titans.

“We have our orders, soldier. Do you want to go against them and put my squad at risk?”

“No sir.” The girl replied.

“The Survey Corps is more than just killing titans, Y/L/N. I need you to understand that. I can’t have my squad babysitting you and losing their lives because you want to go off and sate your lust for titan blood.”

Y/N sighed and rolled her eyes at her superior, “Yes, Captain.”

Levi’s brow twitched at the rude response from his subordinate, “Alright then. You can think more about this as you follow us from the rear. You can look out for your precious titans from there.”

Y/N’s eyes widened in shock. She was about to snap back at her captain, only to notice he pushed his horse ahead of them to speak with the Commander.

“Ugh!” Y/N groaned as she slumped in her saddle, “He totally hates me!”

“Probably,” Petra shrugged.

Y/N glared at her friend, “This is the part where my best friend tells me that he doesn’t hate me and that everything will be fine… ‘Don’t worry, Y/N! You’ll get that promotion and then you’ll get the Squad Leader promotion and then you can kill all the titans you want!’” she said in her best Petra impression.

Petra laughed, “I don’t think he hates you more than he’s disappointed in you.”

“Wow, way to make him sound like my dad…”

“You’re one of his best, Y/N! I’m sure he wants to give you that promotion. He just wants to make sure to understand the responsibility.”

Y/N groaned, “He’s so unbearable!”

Petra giggled, “That’s the complete opposite of what you used to say a few years ago~”

“Shut up!” Y/N said with a blush on her cheeks of embarrassment, “That was a long time ago when we first joined the corps…”

“But you liked him~”

“I used to, Petra. Keywords are ‘used to’!”

Y/N recalled that when she joined the Survey Corps years ago, her eyes fell on the dark-haired captain. He looked strong and, dare she thought, dominant. His deep voice when he spoke sent shivers down her spine. She did everything she could to prove herself to be put in his squad so that she could be near him. To say she was happy to be put in the Levi squad was an understatement. She was ecstatic. But every time she tried to get close to the captain, he turned her away, telling her that letting her emotions out that much like that would get her killed out in the field. So, Y/N gave up and focused on killing titans and things went back to normal… Well, somewhat. Y/N had mastered the art of hiding her emotions from her captain and squadmates, but she has never been able to get rid of what she felt towards him.

“Alright soldiers!” Erwin’s voice yelled, “Let’s move out! Follow your captains!”

“Hangeeee Squad!!” Hange yelled enthusiastically, “Let’s goooo!!”

“HANGEEEEE SQUAD!” her squad yelled back as they rode after their leader through the gates.

Y/N always admired how Hange kept her squad in high spirits. She wished Levi was more relaxed with them.

“Alright,” Levi said, signaling his squad, “Let’s go.”

They rode out the gates, followed by Mike, Nanaba, and Erwin’s squads, each going in different directions towards wall Maria.

Y/N groaned as she slowed her horse to allow her squad members to go ahead of her, grumbling curses at her leader. They rode for hours towards wall Maria, stopping sparingly for short periods to let their horses rest. Y/N would watch titans in the distance from the back, gritting her teeth. Levi meticulously kept them out of the titans’ line of sight so that they could make it to the wall. Once the sun began its descent, turning the sky into a pretty mix of purples and oranges, the Levi squad reached the wall.

“Alright,” the man called out as he hopped off his horse, “We’ll camp here tonight. The titans should be winding down by now, so we won’t have to worry about them. Eld and Gunther, go find wood to make a fire. Petra and Oluo start setting up camp. And Y/N,” he said, turning to the girl who was tying her horse to a tree, “you’re with me to survey the area. Have your ODM gear on.”

Y/N gulped as she followed her captain into the woods. They were silent as Levi looked at their surroundings, making sure they didn’t set up camp next to any sleeping titans. About 10 minutes in, Levi broke the silence.

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet Y/L/N,” Levi said.

“I got put in timeout today by my captain,” Y/N said.

“Sounds like a bummer.”

“Oh, it was.” Y/N huffed.

“Maybe he had a good reason to. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to do that if his subordinate didn’t act like a rebellious teenager.” Levi said, sending a glare towards the girl.

“She is not a teenager!” Y/N hissed, “She is a grown woman. If her captain let her do what she was good at-”

“You put my squad at risk so many times, Y/L/N!” Levi growled, “You went off on your own multiple times to kill titans that didn’t know we were there on our last 5 missions! We had orders to survey the area and to avoid titans.”

“We also need to kill titans!” Y/N said, “It’s our job!”

“Our job is to protect the rest of humanity that is behind the walls, soldier. That includes our comrades risking their lives alongside us. Oluo almost got eaten the last time you went off on your own!”

“I had it covered…”

“Not from what I saw,” Levi said, “You went after 6 15-meter titans, Y/N. By the time we got there, you were running out of gas and had killed three!”

“Because they were ganging up on me! It was a struggle, but we killed them anyways! That was 6 fewer titans within wall Maria!”

“You could have been killed.”

“Then I would have died an honorable death, saving humanity. If you didn’t want to risk their lives, you didn’t need to come after me!”

“I had to, Y/N,” Levi growled, “I need you on this squad.”

Y/N paused and turned to Levi, “You need me?”

“Yes!” Levi sighed, “The Survey Corps needs you! You’re one of our best with one of the highest killstreaks. If you had died, we would have lost a big asset.”

“That’s all I am to you? An asset?”

“We’re all assets Y/L/N…”

“Would it kill you to treat us like people instead of assets, Captain?”

“I do treat you like people.”

“No, you don’t.” Y/N said, “Hange treats us like people. She knows us individually. She talks to us like normal people. She asks us about who we are outside of the Corps.”

“I know you.” Levi said, “You’re obsessed with killing titans to the point of your own destruction.”

“Okay,” Y/N huffed, “Then what’s my favorite food?”

“That is irrelevant information that I don’t need to bother myself with.”

“Okay then. Eld has been with you for longer than I have so what’s his favorite hobby?”

“Why do I need to know that?”

“He likes to write, Captain. He writes letters to his parents every week to let them know that he is okay. See?!” the girl exclaimed, walking away from the captain, “You don’t bother to get to know us! You only ever regard us as soldiers.”

“That’s because you are! I can’t treat you like anything more than soldiers, Y/L/N!”

“Yes, you can!” Y/N said, “It’s not that hard!

Levi sighed as he followed the girl, “Y/L/N…I really can’t…I just-Y/L/N!”

“Oh, please! Is the great Levi Ackerman too proud to have any fri-mph!” Y/N’s eyes widened in shock as she felt a hand slap against her mouth. She could feel her captain’s body pressed against her back, his hand on her arm to stop her from moving. Her face began to blush furiously at how close he was, her body shivered. ‘I don’t like him I don’t like him I don’t like him!’ she repeated to herself in her head.

“Shut up Y/L/N!” Levi hissed into her ear, causing the girl to blush even more, “You could’ve woken it up.”

Y/N looked ahead and saw a titan leaning against a tree with its eyes closed. She nodded, letting her captain know that she sees it. He sighed and took his hand off her mouth and stepped away.

Y/N grabbed her ODM blades and turned to her captain, “We can-”

“No.”

“Why not?!” Y/N whispered, “It’s asleep!”

“It’s far enough away from camp that it won’t notice us in the morning.”

“Are you being serious right now? Let me kill it.”

“Dead serious. Control yourself. Show me you can be responsible enough to be second in command.”

Y/N groaned as she took her hands off her gear and turned around, walking past Levi with a scowl on her face.

“Good job,” Levi said.

Y/N turned to tell him off when she saw him let out his cords, blades out as he flew towards the titan. The titan stirred at the sound, but before it could open its eyes, Levi had dug his blades into its nape, killing it instantly. Levi walked back towards Y/N, taking out a cloth to wipe the blood off his face.

“You just told me not to kill it,” Y/N growled folding her arms.

“I did.” The captain said.

“Then why did you?”

Levi shrugged, “I changed my mind. It was a little too close to camp for me and I felt like killing something.”

“Could’ve just killed me…” Y/N grumbled.

“Can’t do that Y/L/N. As much as you piss me off, you are-”

“Your big asset. Yeah, I know.” Y/N huffed as she walked back to camp, leaving her captain behind.

Levi gave out a sigh of frustration as the girl walked away. She had been giving him trouble since the day they met. He knew she liked him when she first joined his group and it troubled him then. When he lost Furlan and Isabel two years before, swore to himself to not get attached to anyone, to avoid getting hurt himself. Plus, he was a captain. Him getting together with his subordinate felt very wrong to him. So, he distanced himself from Y/N and told her that she was a soldier. Any form of attachment would ruin her. Then everything went back to normal. She was good at what she did. It impressed Levi at how far she had come with her training and her performance on their missions. Yet lately, she would act out and leave on her own to kill titans and it irked him greatly. The truth is, Levi did care about Y/N. Every time they left the safety of Wall Rose, he constantly worried about her. More about whether or not she would disobey orders and leave to kill titans on her own, but also her safety.

But tonight, the captain felt something new, and he didn’t like it one bit. When he grabbed Y/N to keep her from waking the titan, he felt her shiver in his grasp. He could feel her heart rate pick up through his chest and he felt her face heat up under his palm. The captain thought she reacted like that because she noticed the titan, but he realized it was because of him. He thought she was over that, wasn’t she? He looked up at the retreating figure of the woman, his eyes following the sway of her hips as she walked. His cheeks burned in embarrassment when he realized he was quite literally checking out his subordinate.

“Fucking idiot!” Levi hissed, punching his other arm, “Get it together…”

Back at the camp, Y/N sat down next to the fire with a huff.

“Where’s the captain?” Eld asked.

“He’ll be along,” Y/N said with a wave of her hand.

Petra handed Y/N a bowl of rice and pork, “So how’d it go?”

“Boring as ever…” Y/N said, shoving a spoonful of food into her mouth.

Levi came out of the woods and sat on the other side of the fire. Eld brought him a bowl of food and sat next to him. It was mostly quiet while the squad ate. Oluo only broke the silence occasionally to ask where they were heading in the morning or if there were any plans made to recapture Maria. When everyone finished eating, they packed up all the supplies.

“Everyone get some sleep,” Levi said, “We are getting up early. We have three days to search as much as we can before we all meet back at Trost.”

Everyone saluted to their captain, except Y/N. Levi let it slide.

Early the next morning, the Levi squad were already riding along the wall, looking for any other holes in the wall that titans could be getting through. Levi looked back at his squad to make sure they were still together. He saw Y/N bringing up the rear with an annoyed look on her face.

“Look alive, Y/L/N!” Levi called, “You should be looking behind us to make sure we aren’t being followed by titans.”

“’ Kay,” Y/N said, lazily turning around to look behind her and let out a gasp.

“What is it?!” Levi said, whipping his head back around.

“Absolutely nothing!” Y/N said with a smirk at her captain’s annoyed look, “You’re doing great Captain!”

Levi groaned as he turned back to face forward. Everyone in the squad looked at each other in confusion at Y/N’s snappiness towards the captain.

It went on like that for most of the day and it made everyone uneasy. When the squad stopped for a break, Eld walked up to his captain who was sitting next to his horse, sharpening his blades.

“Everything alright, Captain?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it?” Levi snapped.

“I mean, you are sharpening your blades.”

“What of it, Eld?”

“You only do that when you’re upset. Our blades are already sharpened for us.”

“What’s your point?”

“Did something happen between you and Y/N last night?”

Levi froze and glared at Eld, “Did she say anything?”

The man shook his head frantically, “N-No sir! We just noticed that you two are acting pretty hostile towards each other and it’s been putting us off.”

“What’s her deal, Eld?!” Levi sighed as he dropped his blades, running a hand through his hair, “One moment everything’s fine and the next I’m losing control of my squad…”

“Well,” Eld said, taking a seat next to his captain, “you can’t control people, Captain.”

“I know that…” Levi huffed, “It’s just that Y/L/N keeps disobeying orders because she wants to kill titans. It’s like she doesn’t realize that this is a team. We are a team. A team that almost dies every time she pulls a stupid stunt like that trying to save her ass!”

“Have you spoken to her about it?”

“I have.” Levi sighed, “I told her that her actions put everyone at risk and that she needs to control herself.”

Eld began to chuckle, earning a glare from Levi.

“What’s so funny?” Levi growled.

“I found out your problem!” Eld chuckled, “You’ve been telling her what’s been setting you off, but you have made no effort to hear what she has to say.”

“What excuse could she have to defend herself from disobeying direct orders from Darius and Erwin? Do you know how many times I had to defend her actions to those men?!”

“I understand,” Eld said, “but being the leader of a squad means knowing what is going on with each of your subordinates. You know that Commander Erwin knows everyone in the Survey Corps. He makes an effort to make sure that every individual in our division is alright. Making sure that your subordinates know that they can come to you about anything is crucial to their performance on the field.”

Levi stays silent, pondering the words of his second in command.

“Sir, permission to speak freely?” Eld asked.

“Isn’t that what I’m already letting you do?” Levi scoffed.

“Just making sure.” Eld said, “Look, captain. I understand why you distance yourself from us.”

“You do?” the man asked with a quirked brow.

Eld nodded, “Furlan and Isabel.”

Levi tensed at the names, “How do you-”

“Hange and Erwin told me.” Eld said, “When I was first assigned to your squad, I noticed that you never acted like the other squad leaders. You were reserved and not as outgoing as the others. You distanced yourself, only allowing those under you to speak about anything related to the Corps. When I was promoted to your second in command, I went to Hange and Erwin and asked them about you. I know I invaded your privacy, but I needed to understand you. Not as my captain, but as Levi Ackerman. I wanted to understand why you act the way you do.”

“So,” Levi said, looking down at his feet, “you concluded that those two were the reason.”

“They are.” Eld said, “They were your closest friends growing up and they followed you to the Survey Corps. Erwin said that when you first joined, you were silent and rude. But when Isabel and Furlan joined, you opened up. Then… when they died…”

“I closed up.” Levi finishes.

“What I’m trying to say, Captain is that it’s okay to open up again. It’s okay to build relationships outside of the Survey Corps. We could indeed die any day at any time, and it will destroy us to see our friends dead. But it’s the moments where we are together that are the best. I know that Y/N is having trouble. I’ve tried confronting her about it, but she refuses to discuss it. Petra is the only person in this squad who is close with Y/N. If you really want to know what’s going on with her, you need to listen to her. Not as Captain Levi of the Survey Corps, but as Levi Ackerman. Communication is important, especially for us.”

Levi nodded to Eld’s words of advice and chuckled.

“What is it?” Eld asked.

“You seem to know a lot about communication.” Levi chuckled, “You’d be a desirable husband.”

Eld gave a nervous smile, “I actually do have a girlfriend…”

Levi looked at him in surprise, “Really?”

“Yeah…” Eld said, “We’re going through a rough patch right now. Me going outside the wall for so long worries her to bits.”

“Does she want you to quit?”

“Yeah, she does,” Eld sighs, “But she knows that I won’t. She knows how important this is to me. She understands that every time I leave, I might not come back, but she stays with me anyways. It confused me at first, but now I consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.”

Levi nods and looks ahead to see Y/N talking with Petra while their horses ate grass. How would he even approach her? Will Y/N open up to him? Would they be able to solve whatever issue she was dealing with?

“Well,” Eld said standing up, “We should get moving. You can talk to Y/N when we set up camp later tonight.”

Levi nodded and called to his squad to get back on their horses.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Their ride was peaceful for the first couple of hours. Y/N was still looking out for any titans from the back, but there were none to be seen. Her eyelids began to get heavy, for she didn’t sleep much the night before. Her mind kept replaying what happened between her and Captain Levi. She was about to fall asleep on her horse right then and there. She looked around one last time: nothing.

“Alright, buddy,” she said with a yawn, patting the horse's neck, “Just follow them if I fall asleep.”

As her eyes closed, three titans emerged out of the forest from behind.

“Y/L/N!” Levi called, “How does it look back there?”

When he received no response, he called again, “Y/L/N!”

He groaned in annoyance and turned his head, “Y/L/N!! When I call you-Y/N!!!”

The captain shouted her name when he saw her asleep on her horse, who had lost its distance from the group, as well as the titans who were running after her. He turned his horse and raced to Y/N.

“Everyone keep going! I’m going to get Y/N!” Levi yelled.

“We can help!” Petra cried.

“No!” Levi said, “Keep going! If we’re not back by nightfall, go find Erwin!” Levi said.

“Y/N!!” Gunther shouted as they rode away.

Y/N jolted awake at the shouting to see the squad getting further away and Captain Levi riding towards her, “What-”

Y/N screamed when she saw a giant hand reaching towards her. She looked up into the crazed eyes of the giant above her, frozen in fear. A 15-meter titan…

“Y/N!!”

She looked ahead to see Levi riding as fast as he could towards her, his face filled with fear. Right as she grabbed ahold of the hilt of her blades to pull them out, she was smacked from her horse's back. She flew across the ground, groaning in pain when her shoulder hit a rock. When she stilled, she tried to stand but fell on her knees. She looked down at her right leg and saw blood seeping through the material of her pants. She knew the cuts were only on the surface of her skin, but it hurt no less. She pulled out her blades and attempted to stand up to face the titan but fell to her knees in pain once again. The titan who knocked her off her horse stood in front of her and let out what seemed to be a laugh, enjoying watching its food struggle. It reached down towards the girl. Y/N screamed as she tried to back away from the giant hand. She looked around her to see if there was anything she could use her ODM gear to fly to, but there was nothing. She was stranded in the open with an injured shoulder and leg. She couldn’t fight back.

“Y/N!!”

She looked over to see Levi getting closer.

“Please…” Y/N cried to him as the giant hand wrapped around her torso. Y/N cried out in pain as the grip around her tightened as it lifted her into the air. Y/N screamed as she was brought up eye level to the face of the titan.

“Don’t!! Don’t!!” She cried as the beast opened its mouth, bringing her closer.

Suddenly, the other two titans rammed into them, reaching for her. The titan groaned and held her high above its head, out of reach of the other two. Then it leaned its head back opened its mouth once more.

“No! No!” Y/N cried trying to get out of its grip, but it was of no use. The titan opened its hand and Y/N fell towards its mouth.

Y/N looked down into the mouth of the titan in fear as she fell. She looked over to where Levi was, to see his horse. Wait…his horse? Where was-

“Y/N!”

Y/N looked up just in time to see Levi flying towards her. She closed her eyes as she prepared herself to feel the jaws close on her. He would be too late…

She felt something ram into her side and two arms wrap around her. When she opened her eyes, she saw Levi’s face.

“Hold on! Brace yourself!” he yelled.

Y/N closed her eyes as she felt a hand push her head closer to him. She heard him whistle right before they crashed into the ground.

“Come on, get up!” Levi said with a groan, already on his feet has his horse skidded to a stop next to him.

“I-I can’t! My l-leg!” Y/N hissed as she fell to her knees.

Levi cursed as he quickly picked her up and put her on the saddle. He looked back to see that the titans had noticed them and were running.

“Shit!” he hissed and jumped onto his horse behind Y/N, kicking it to start running. The horse sped off, running as fast as it could to lose the titans.

“W-What about the others?!” Y/N asked, trying to keep herself from slipping off. Levi wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her still.

“They went on ahead.” Levi said, “I told them that if we don’t find them by nightfall, they need to find Erwin.”

“Oh…Yeahh…” Y/N said, her body swaying in his hold, “Soundsssmart…”

“Y/N?” Levi asked, looking down at the girl to notice that she passed out, “Shit…”

He looked back at the titans, eyes widening when he noticed that 4 more had joined in the chase.

“Fucking bastards…” he cursed, looking around to see if he could find any sort of shelter to hide in. Y/N needed to be looked at. In the distance, he saw a small village. It looked somewhat intact. Maybe one of the houses had a basement or storm shelter…

“Come on girl!” Levi said, steering the horse in the direction of the village, leaving the titans to eat their dust.

Once they reached the village, Levi did a quick search of the houses and thank the walls one of them had a storm shelter. When he returned to his horse, he saw the titans getting closer. Springing into action, Levi grabbed his supply bags off his horse and brought Y/N down into his arms.

“Go!” Levi yelled at his horse. The beast took off into the forest. Levi ran into what was left of the house right as the titans arrived, immediately noticing him. Levi opened the latch with his foot and jumped inside. He prayed that the titans didn’t see where they went. When he set Y/N up against the wall, he made his way back to the entrance of the shelter and slowly cracked it open. The titans were walking around the village, pushing over what was left of the buildings to try and find where their meals went. Levi sighed and quietly shut the door.

“C-Captain?”

He looked up to see Y/N wincing in pain as she tried to get up.

“Stay down and keep your voice low.” He said as he made his way over to her.

Y/N sighed as she slumped back down against the wall, hissing in pain.

Levi opened his bag and took out a kit of medical supplies.

“Let me see it,” he said as he sat down next to her leg, lighting a couple of candles to bring some light in.

“I-I can do it…” Y/N said reaching for the supplies.

Levi pulled the kit away from her, “Let me see it.” He repeated.

Y/N sighed in defeat and pulled up her right pant leg, revealing a huge scratch running down her the side of it, blood seeping out of it. Levi looked further up her leg to notice blood on the side of her thigh.

“There’s more.” He said gesturing to the upper part of her leg.

Y/N panicked, “I-I can do it by myself, C-Captain…”

Levi sighed, “You won’t do as good a job as me.”

“C-Captain I-”

“Y/N.” Levi said, shutting the girl up at his use of her first name, “Just take this leg out. Please don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”

Y/N gulped and nodded. She slowly unbuckled her pants, her face heating up in embarrassment, and carefully pulled her right leg out, wincing in pain a couple of times. Levi inspected the injury. It was a grass burn from when she was knocked off her horse, but she slid so much, the skin all along the side of her leg broke open. Levi turned to his bag and took out a rag and a canteen of water. He doused the rag in water, wringing it out a couple of times, and began wiping the dried blood and dirt from her leg and wound. Y/N’s body tensed up at the feeling of Levi’s hands on her leg. She used to dream about his hands on her…but in an entirely different situation…

Once Levi had gotten her leg wiped down from the dirt, he reached to grab a new rag and some rubbing alcohol.

“No!” Y/N hissed, “You are not putting that stuff on me!”

“Do you want to have your leg get infected?” Levi asked as he poured the alcohol on the rag, “Do you want your leg to get so bad that we have to cut it off?”

“I’ll take getting my leg chopped off,” Y/N said, pulling her leg closer to her chest, trying to ignore the pain.

“You’re unbelievable…” Levi sighed, “Give me your leg.”

“No.”

“It’s only going to hurt for a second.”

“I said no.”

Levi groaned as he moved, reaching the rag towards her leg. Y/N yelped and grabbed her captain’s hand. Levi’s eyes widened in alarm to her yelp and pushed her to the ground, his face inches away from hers.

“Be quiet!” he hissed, “If you make another sound, we are nothing more than titan fodder. Do you understand?”

Y/N nodded in understanding with a gulp, embarrassed by their compromising position; his hands on both sides of her head and one of his legs in between hers. Her younger self was screaming in delight.

“Now,” he breathed, “you are going to let me clean your wound and you are going to be quiet. Do you understand?”

Y/N nodded.

“Words, Y/L/N.”

“Y-Yes, sir…” Y/N replied with a shaky breath.

“Good.” Levi said, sitting back on his knees, “Sit up.”

Y/N slowly sat back up her body trembling in anticipation at the agony that liquid will give her.

Levi reached for her would with the rag. He looked up at her face,

“Quiet.”

Fire.

That’s what Y/N felt like once with rag meet her open flesh. She clenched her eyes shut and slapped a hand over her mouth, breathing heavily through her nose. Her other hand found her captain’s arm, clenching the fabric of his shirt in a deathlike grip. As he made his way down her leg, the pain worsened. Y/N swore she blacked out because when she opened her eyes, Levi was screwing the cap back onto the rubbing alcohol.

“See?” he said as he took out some cooling ointment, “Wasn’t too hard.”

“I want to die,” Y/N said, her body relaxing as her captain spread the cool ointment over her wound with his fingers.

“I won’t let you.” Levi said as he signaled her to turn on her side so he could place the gauze patches on her leg before he wrapped it, “We need you.”

Y/N’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment as she turned, part of her ass on display to her captain. The captain luckily paid no mind as he immediately started placing the gauze on her leg. It was only when he grabbed the cloth wrapping, he realized his predicament. There he was greeted with the sight of part of his subordinate’s ass.

“C-Captain?” Y/N asked in a small voice.

Levi cleared his throat as he approached her, “I um am going to need you to lift your leg a bit… So, I can wrap it.”

Y/N nodded and slowly lifted her leg in embarrassment. Levi knelt behind her and placed the end of the cloth on her thigh. He let a shaky breath escape his mouth as he moved his hand around her leg, accidentally brushing his hand against her, causing Y/N’s body to tense up.

“S-Sorry about that…” Levi said.

“I-It’s fine…” Y/N whispered.

Levi quickly finished wrapping her leg and started busying himself with putting everything back. Neither of the two spoke. Y/N watched as Levi started to tidy up the storm shelter when he finished with his bags.

“D-Do you think the horses will be alright?” Y/N asked, desperate to have the silence gone.

“Titans don’t eat horses.” Levi said, “They’ll be fine.”

“I hope Lily’s alright…”

“Lily?” Levi questioned, looking at Y/N.

“My horse.” Y/N shrugged.

“You named your horse?”

“Of course! It’d be rude not to.” Y/N said, “They’re living beings too. They have their own personalities.”

“I guess…” Levi said, going back to rearranging the boxes.

“Didn’t you name your horse?” Y/N asked.

“Naming something creates an attachment, Y/L/N…”

“You’ve had that horse for how long and you didn’t even name her? Everyone can see that that horse is smitten with you. Honestly Captain, you’ll probably outlive the horse, and you won’t name her?!”

“That’s why I won’t name her.”

Her captain’s response threw Y/N off. He doesn’t want to name his horse because he might outlive her?

“Alright then,” Y/N said, “If you don’t name her, I will.”

“Whatever, I won’t use it…”

“Brad.”

“That’s a man’s name, Y/L/N. My horse is a female.”

“Alright, hmmmmm…” Y/N hummed in thought, “Oh! How about Charlotte?”

“Whatever…” Levi said with a sigh.

“It’s decided then!” Y/N said, “Her name from now on is Charlotte.”

After Y/N gave Levi’s horse a name, the silence returned fast and for a longer period.

“How long have we been here?” Y/N groaned, “If it’s night, we could probably head out.”

Levi paused his cleaning and walked to the doors of the shelter. He opened the door slightly just in time to see a giant head descending towards the shelter. His eyes widened and closed the door just in time. He stepped back as he saw the doors creak to the weight of the titan.

“Shit!” He hissed.

“What?” Y/N said aloud. Levi dove at her, covering her mouth with his hands.

Y/N squirmed against him to get him off her but froze when she heard loud snoring from outside. Y/N looked at Levi with fear in her eyes as he slowly pulled his hand away and put a finger to his lips.

“I-Is it…”

“Sleeping on top of the doors? Yeah…”

“O-Oh dear god…” Y/N said, her body shaking.

“We just need to be quiet and sleep.” Levi whispered as he got up and slowly walked to the corner of the shelter, “I found some old pillows in one of the boxes. Lay down and sleep.”

He handed Y/N a pillow. She took it and set it on the ground, laying her head on it.

“What about you?” she whispered.

“I’ll stay awake,” he said, “If it moves its head, I’ll wake you up and we’ll get out of here.”

Y/N nodded with a yawn and fell asleep in no time.

It had been a few hours since Y/N fell asleep, and now Levi was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He almost drifted off, until he heard the sound of teeth chattering. He looked over at Y/N and noticed that she was shivering. He realized that she was so used to sleeping by a fire, he forgot how chilly it gets at night. Levi got up and took his cloak off. He knelt by Y/N and draped it over her. Y/N’s shivering ceased as she snuggled closer to the cloak. Levi gave a soft chuckle at the sleeping girl and sat back down in his spot, his eyes closing as soon as he got settled.

------------------------------------------------------

Y/N woke up feeling refreshed. She moved her leg a bit to see if it had gotten any better. It was sore, but it felt much better than yesterday. She noticed the green cloak bunched up at her side.

“You were shivering,” Levi said, “It’s not much, but you were better after.”

Y/N turned to her captain, seeing him rub the sleep from his eyes.

“Thank you…” Y/N said, “Weren’t you cold?”

“Nope. I was fine,” he said.

Y/N found herself blushing a bit at his morning voice.

Before she could say anything else, she felt the earth shake a bit beneath her and heard multiple groans from outside.

“They’re still here,” Levi grumbled.

Y/N sighed in defeat.

“How’s your leg?”

“A little better. Mostly sore.” Y/N replied.

“I’ll need to redress it tonight.”

“Okay…”

Silence fills the air once again. It annoyed Y/N, but she didn’t know what to talk to the captain about other than things related to the Survey Corps…

Neither of them said anything for most of the day. They just sat in silence, listening to the footsteps and groans of the titans outside. When the sun began to set, Levi took out two ration packs and handed one to Y/N. They ate in silence.

“Do you think they made it to Erwin?” Y/N asked.

“Yeah,” Levi said, “They’re efficient with their time. They probably told him what happened.”

“Do you think they’ll come for us?”

“Most likely.”

They ate in silence once again. Levi sighed and turned to Y/N, “Why do you keep disobeying orders?”

Y/N froze, she did not want to talk about it with her captain.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Bullshit, Y/L/N,” Levi groaned, “There is a reason, and you are not willing to share.”

“Why do you care, Captain?” Y/N glared, “You never ask us what’s bothering us. You don’t know anything about us! Why do you suddenly care?”

“Because I want to!” Levi said, “I want to be a better captain. I’m sorry I was so distant from everyone, and I want to change that. I want to help you overcome whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

Y/N sighed, “I’ll only tell you if you tell me the reason why you distance yourself from everyone.”

“No. I can’t do that.”

“Then I won’t tell you.” Y/N shrugged, earning a glare from her captain, “That’s how it is Captain! You can’t expect to help us to open ourselves to you if you won’t open yourself to us. That’s not how any relationship works.”

Levi sighed, “If it has something to do with the Survey Corps, just tell me.”

“It does and it doesn’t,” Y/N said, “Not telling unless you’re willing to share.”

“Fine!” Levi sighed in defeat, “I’ll tell you, but tell me what’s going on with you.”

Y/N sighed as she played with her fingers, staying quiet.

“Come on,” Levi sighed, “I want to help you. Just tell me.”

“I-I don’t know… It’s verrrry personal and it’ll probably make you uncomfortable.” Y/N said quietly. There was a small bit of silence between the two. Levi had an idea about what this was about, so he decided to rip the band-aid off.

“Is it about you liking me?”

Y/N’s head whipped to him in surprise, “How did you-”

“I’ve known since you joined my squad. You weren’t exactly subtle in your approaches.” Levi chuckled.

“I was young and stupid.” Y/N sighed, putting her head in her hands in shame.

“I thought you were over it, Y/L/N…” Levi said, his authoritative tone returning, “I thought you had moved on.”

“Believe me, I tried!” Y/N cried, looking up at him with tears brimming her eyes, “I tried…so hard to leave it alone….to forget about you…”

Levi sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

“But it worked for a bit!” Y/N said, “Killing titans helped… It distracted me…But then when we started focusing on surveying instead…”

“You were frustrated being around me so much that you left on your own. Disobeying our orders.” Levi finished.

Y/N nodded in shame, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“This is something I can’t help you with Y/L/N…” Levi said.

“I understand.”

“Doing anything together could affect us and our team.”

“I know…”

They sat there in silence for a few minutes.

“I distance myself from everyone…because everyone I get close to dies,” Levi said.

Y/N looked up at him, “That can’t be true…”

“Levi chuckled, “I wish it weren’t true… My mother died when I was a kid, and my two best friends were eaten by titans on our first mission two years ago. Since then, I distanced myself from everyone.”

“So, you avoided making new relationships so that you wouldn’t feel bad if they died.” Y/N sighed.

“It’s worked so far.” Levi shrugged, “No one from my squad has died.”

“That’s because they’re good soldiers Levi, not because you distanced yourself from them.” Y/N said, “They are here because you trained them well and they are prepared for any situation.”

Levi shrugged.

“Captain, in this world, everyone dies. Whether we like it or not and whether we think it’s our fault or not. We never know when, where or how we die…but it’s inevitable. I’m sorry about your mother and your friends…But their deaths were most likely not your fault.”

“I left Farlan and Isabel by themselves because they told me to scout ahead and they got killed…” Levi hissed, “That sounds a lot like it was my fault…”

“No, it wasn’t!” Y/N said, “they told you to go! Their deaths were not your fault. It could have happened to anyone. Do you think they would want you to blame yourself? They could have run from that titan, but instead, they chose to fight it. They chose to do their duty instead of caring about themselves. They chose to lay down their lives. That’s what we all signed up for…we are choosing to lay down our lives for the cause. Captain, one day, hopefully never, we may not come home… But I want you to know that if any of us dies, we don’t want you to blame yourself. We care about you, Captain…”

“Thanks…” Levi sighed, getting up to grab a set of gauze patches and wrapping, “but I can’t help you with your issue with me… I won’t be able to do many things for you and it would be detrimental to both of us.”

Y/N sighed, “I know. I’ll work on it…”

Levi nodded and knelt next to her, hands reaching for her leg to unwrap it. Y/N waved a hand to stop him, “I’ll do it.”

Levi sat back and watched her struggle to take the bandage off. Her leg had become so sore, she couldn’t bend it far enough to reach her foot to undo it without hissing in pain.

“Need help?” Levi asked, seeing enough of the torture she was putting herself through.

“To the knee, then I’ll take over.”

Levi nodded and lifted her foot. He carefully unwrapped it, apologizing every time she winced in pain. When he got to the knee, he stopped and lifted his hands, “Your turn. While you do that, I’m going to take off the gauze and put more ointment on you.”

“Fine.” She said as she took over the unwrapping.

Levi carefully peeled off the gauze pads from her. The broken skin looked better and less inflamed; it began to scab over from the sides. The only thing new that showed up was the intense bruising that formed around the area. Levi ran his fingers over the bruise earning a hiss from the girl.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

Y/N nodded, “Y-Yeah. How does it look?”

“Your wound is beginning to scab over from the sides of your wound, but you have a lot of bruising that showed up throughout the night.”

“Yep. Felt the bruising…”

“I’ll put new ointment on,” Levi said as he opened the tube. He looked up at Y/N, “I’ll try to not put too much pressure.”

Y/N nodded and continued her work on her thigh, carefully peeling off the gauze. Levi put the ointment on her calf and spread it as carefully as he could. When he got to her knee, he paused a looked up at Y/N who raised her eyebrow at him.

“What?”

He gestured to her thigh, “You want to take over?”

“I’ll probably miss a spot.” Y/N replied, “You can do it.”

“You sure?”

Y/N nodded.

Levi crept closer to her and began spreading more of the cool ointment onto her thigh, calming her inflamed nerves. Y/N gave out a gentle sigh which caused Levi to pause and look up at her. Y/N looked at him, “T-That was because the ointment feels nice!” she quickly defended herself, “It’s cooling my thigh…”

“Sure…”

“It’s not because of you touching me, I swear!” Y/N exclaimed.

“Okay! I heard you…” Levi said, continuing his work on her, almost dreading the next steps.

“Okay…” he said with a shaky breath, “Can you…”

Y/N looked at him when he couldn’t finish his sentence. Levi looked away from her face and did a rolling signal with his finger. Oh… Y/N realized that after their talk, he might feel uncomfortable.

“We don’t have to-”

“It’ll get infected if we don’t.”

“But you look-”

“It doesn’t matter.” Levi snapped, “We’re adults. Let’s act like them. It’s not going to kill us…”

Y/N sighed with embarrassment once again as she turned to her side, focusing her eyes on the wall facing her. When she turned, Levi was once again greeted by her ass. He didn’t know how he ignored it the first time, but after their talk, he couldn’t not glance at it. It was a nice ass. Even he couldn’t say it wasn’t. Y/N was attractive, but he couldn’t admit that. No, scratch that. He didn’t want to admit it. He’s seen her work out in her athletic wear and he knew she had an attractive figure, but he never looked at her as a woman, until now…

“C-Captain?” Y/N said nervously, shaking Levi out of his thoughts.

“Sorry…” he said, “Lost in thought. I’ll start at your calf.”

Y/N stayed silent while Levi got to work on placing the gauze on her and wrapping her calf.

“What were you thinking about?” Y/N asked.

Levi paused at his spot wrapping her knee, “I was thinking about some new training regiments we could do when we get back home…” he lied.

“Oh.”

Levi’s heart began to beat faster as he approached her upper thigh. He looked over at Y/N’s face, which had a tinge of pink cover her cheeks.

“You okay?” he asked her.

She nodded her head once, “Y-Yeah…You?”

“Yeah,” Levi said with a sigh. He moved his free hand under her thigh to lift it a little higher, careful to avoid her bruising. Her skin felt so soft under his touch as he wrapped her, slowly moving upwards until his hand was centimeters from her clothed core. He noticed that her skin got warmer as he moved his hand up her thigh. He looked at her once he finished, her face flushed, tiny pants of breath escaping her lips, eyes shut tight. She looked…beautiful. Levi clenched his jaw, knowing he was most likely going to regret what he was about to do… but fuck everything.

“Y/N…”

Y/N opened her eyes and moved to sit back up again, “What is it?”

Her eyes widened as she felt the captain grab her face with his hands and place his lips on hers. The captain was kissing her… Not just any captain, Captain Levi.

“C-Captain…” Y/N gasped, earning a groan from the man.

“Just shut and kiss me, Y/N,” Levi growled.

Y/N closed her eyes and returned the kiss, mouth parting to let the captain slip in his tongue to meet hers. Y/N felt like she was dreaming. Having his rough lips against her made her forget about the situation they were in. She forgot that they were within the titan-infested land with titans right outside, looking for them. Levi was in the same boat as her. Usually, he would feel like throwing up at the sight of people kissing the way they were kissing at that moment, but now he understood how good it felt. How good her lips felt on his. However, he was snapped out of his thoughts when Y/N let out a moan. He opened his eyes and pulled back immediately. Y/N slapped a hand over her mouth in shock at what she had just done. They both went deadly still as the thumping of giant feet came to a halt right in front of the shelter. Levi looked at Y/N as she was shaking in fear. He knew that if the titans found out they were in here, she wouldn’t be able to get away. Levi quickly picked her up and moved her further into the shadows of the shelter. Hopefully, if the titan opened the doors, it would only see Levi and not see her. Y/N watched as Levi quickly put on his ODM gear, crouching on his knees, ready to fly out the second the doors opened. Y/N’s breath hitched at the sound of something scratching the doors. She looked at Levi in fear.

‘It’ll be okay’ he mouthed.

Just then the sound of a horses’ whinny pierced the air. The scratching stopped and the footsteps resumed, sounding softer and softer. Levi went to the door and cracked it open slightly. He looked out to see his horse run towards the forest, the titans chasing it.

“Clever girl.” Levi chuckled as he closed the door, sitting down next to Y/N.

“What happened?”

“My horse got their attention and led them to the forest, they probably think that she had a rider on her back.”

“Charlotte stayed here?”

“She kept her distance,” Levi said, getting up again to take off his ODM gear, “I trained her to do that. If I am in a predicament with titans, she stays by but keeps her distance until I call her.”

“How did she know we were here?”

“She’s a horse, Y/N, not a goldfish.” He chuckled, “She probably saw me jump in here with you as she was running off.”

“Clever girl indeed,” Y/N said with a smile as he sat back down next to her.

“Yep.”

“Were you going to fight all seven of those titans?”

“If I had to, yes.”

“Sorry.” Y/N said with a blush, Levi looked at her in confusion, “For…moaning too loud.”

Levi chuckled at the girl’s apology.

“It’s not funny!” Y/N said, “I could’ve gotten us killed because I was too invested in that moment!”

“I’m just glad you did before I could.” Levi smirked, “God how embarrassing would that be?”

“It was embarrassing to me!!” Y/N said, punching his arm.

The two sat in silence for a minute until Y/N spoke up.

“So, you liked it?”

Levi shrugged, “Well I didn’t hate it.”

Y/N nodded and looked down at her nails, picking the skin around them, thinking that Levi didn’t enjoy the kiss. Levi noticed her action and placed a hand under her jaw, turning her to look up at him.

“That was a joke.” He said as he placed his lips on hers, “I did like it.”

Y/N sighed into the kiss. Enjoying the feeling of their lips molding against each other. After a couple of minutes of nonstop lip-locking, Y/N felt her core flaring up. She began to rub her thighs in need. Levi noticed her squirming and detached himself from her, a small groan escaping her lips.

"We can’t do that here,” he said, “You’re injured.”

“I-I know…” Y/N panted, “I-I just n-need release!”

Levi nodded and pushed her other pantleg down her thigh.

“W-What are you doing?”

“Helping,” Levi said as he recaptured her lips.

Y/N let out a muffled moan when she felt his fingers rub her core through her panties. Levi could feel the warm wetness begin to gather on the clothing. Curious to feel more, he slipped his hand below her panties, earning another gasp from the girl.

“M-More...” Y/N panted.

Levi hummed at her request and slowly inserted a finger into her hole, another moan escaping her lips. Levi mentally thanked Charlotte for keeping the titans occupied as he thrust his finger in and out of the woman.

“C-Captain-”

“Levi.” He corrected her.

“L-Levi…” Y/N panted, looking down at his pants, “Y-You’re…”

Levi followed her gaze to his groin, noticing the bulge straining against his pants. Y/N reached for his belt, undoing the clasps. Levi grabbed her hand with his free one.

“What are you doing?”

“R-Returning the f-favor.”

“I don’t need you-”

“P-Please let me~” Y/N groaned bucking her hips into his hand in an attempt to get him to continue what he was doing.

Levi nodded to let her continue, moving his hand in her panties again. Once finished with the belt, she unbuttoned his pants and pulled the zipper down, pulling his underwear down enough for his cock to spring free already leaking with precum. Y/N admired it as she ran a hand over the tip, earning a shivered moan from her captain. He had an impressive length and girth which excited her even more for the future. Y/N let out a gasp as she felt another finger thrusting into her.

“D-Do something,” Levi growled.

Y/N nodded and began pumping him, spreading his precum all over him to make it easier. Levi moaned at the feeling of her hand on him. He began to pressure her clit with his thumb, rubbing in circles. Y/N’s back arched off the wall with a gasp at the new sensation, her hand gripping Levi a little harder as she jerked him, him hissing in pleasure as well. Y/N felt her walls begin to tighten.

“L-Levi~”

“I-I know!” he groaned as her hand picked up its pace. Levi added more pressure to his thumb and rubbed her insides with his fingers every time he thrust them in.

“Levi!” she whimpered, “I-I’m-”

Levi smashed his lips against hers, drinking in her moans as her body spasmed under him. When he pulled his hand out of her, he looked at his fingers covered in her release. Y/N watched him with wide eyes as he put them in his mouth, sucking them clean. She never thought she would ever see the captain do something as sinfully sexy as that.

Levi smirked at her as he licked some of her juices on his lips, “Tasty.”

Y/N looked down in embarrassment when she realized that she never finished him off. Turning onto her good him, she leaned over her leg and took him in her mouth. Levi let out a sinful moan at the feeling of her mouth on him. Y/N began to bob her head up and down his length, giving a suck on the tip every time. Levi grabbed a fistful of her hair with a groan, hips thrusting up to meet her mouth. Y/N almost choked when he did that, so she used both hands the hold his hips down.

“Y-Y/N…” Levi panted, “Don’t stop! Almost there…”

Y/N felt him twitching in her mouth. He was close…so close…She pulled her mouth back to up his tip and gave him one big suck.

“Y/N!” Levi groaned as he kept her head still, shooting his seed into her mouth. When Levi relaxed, he let go of her head and she sat up, still holding his cum in her shut mouth.

“You don’t have to swallow that shit.” He said as he tried to catch his breath.

Y/N chuckled from her throat. Levi’s eyes widened as he watched her swallow.

“A little bitter,” she said with a smirk, “but not bad.”

Levi groaned as he got up and grabbed a rag from his bag, wiping himself. When he tucked himself in, he turned to Y/N, “Need a rag?”

“Sure.”

Levi tossed her a rag and wiped herself. When she finished, she tossed the rag back into his open hand and pulled her panties back up.

“We ran out of gauze and wrapping. Might as well put your pants back on.”

“I might need help with that.”

Levi looked at her pointing to her injured leg, “I guess you could use some assistance.”

Levi knelt in front of her feet and pulled the other pant leg down to her ankle so that she wouldn’t have to bend the other leg. He moved her injured leg into the right pant and pulled them up to her knees.

“Did that hurt?”

“No,” Y/N said, “It’s my thigh I’m worried about.”

Levi nodded, “I’m going to have to have you standing for that. I’ll pick you up, just try to stay balanced.”

Y/N nodded as Levi stood above her, one foot outside her hips. She raised her arms as Levi curled his under her armpits.

“Ready? One, two, three…” he groaned as he pulled her up with him. She almost lost her balance, not able to apply too much weight to her right leg.

“Hold onto me,” Levi said, looking down into her eyes.

Y/N nodded and held onto his shoulder as he bent down a little to pull up her pants. Y/N winced a couple of times his thumb pressed into her injury and every time, Levi apologized. When he finished buttoning her pants and adjusting her belt, he slowly helped her back into the floor against the wall.

“Well, that was…fun.” Y/N said, unsure of what to call whatever ‘that’ was.

Levi snorted as he sat down next to her, allowing her to rest her head against his shoulder, “It was fun.”

They sat in silence. That was until the sound of hooves raced by along with a neigh of, what seemed to be, excitement with many giant footsteps following a bit behind, causing the two to laughed.

“Someone else is having fun.” Y/N giggled, “Won’t she get tired?”

Levi chuckled, “No. She could do that for hours. She won’t be chased by them for long anyway. It’s getting dark. They should be asleep in the next 10, 15 minutes. Give or take.”

“Do you regret what we did…Levi?”

Levi sighed, “Will you continue to disobey orders and go off on your own on future missions?”

Y/N shook her head, knowing that she was speaking to her captain at that moment, not her lover, “No sir.”

Levi gave her a soft smile and kissed her forehead, “then no, I don’t regret it.”

They heard hooves slowly padding towards the door then stop. Then they heard a snort and a scratch at the door.

“Looks like they’re asleep,” Levi said as he got up and walked up to the door. He opened it a little and was greeted by the black nose of his steed.

“Hey girl,” he cooed, letting the horse lick his hand, “Did they fall asleep?”

He peeked his head out of the door and saw the titans fast asleep. He reached up and pat his horse’s head, “Good job. Now go rest. We’ll wait until Erwin comes to leave.”

He clicked at the horse a couple of times and the beast turned and walked off into the grass.

“They’re asleep. Let’s get some rest.” Levi said, returning to his spot beside Y/N.

“Why don’t we leave now?”

“Because you can barely stand on your own. Erwin has a cart with his squad filled with supplies in case any of the other squads run into trouble. When they come, you will be riding in that.”

Y/N nodded in understanding.

“Get some sleep, Y/N.” Levi said, pulling her head into his lap and closing his eyes, “Hopefully they will be here tomorrow.”

Y/N yawned, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Levi didn’t know how long he slept for, but he woke up to a start when he heard zipping and hushed whispers outside. Levi carefully lifted Y/N’s head and slipped a pillow underneath it. He quickly picked up his ODM blade and slowly crept up to the door. He slowly opened the door and peeked out to see the bodies of the titans simmering. Someone killed the titans. He stepped out of the shelter and closed the door quietly. He saw a light and heard chatter from one of the demolished houses and made his way towards it.

“There’s no way they’re here!” a male said, “Do you think he’d hide them in destroyed village?!”

“Where else would he have gone?” an all too familiar voice said.

Levi sighed in relief. Erwin.

“Trees.” Eld’s voice piped up, “Everyone knows that the trees are the safest place.”

“Well, that was my plan, but Y/N wouldn’t have lasted a day,” Levi said walking into the doorless house.

“Captain!” his squad cried.

“You’re okay!” Gunther said, “I knew it!”

“Where’s Y/N?!” Petra asked frantically.

“Sleeping.”

“Where did you two hide?” Oluo asked.

“Storm shelter. Her right leg was injured so I decided that would be the safest place for her. Stupid beasts weren’t able to find us.”

“Smart move, Levi.” Erwin nodded.

“Erwin, we need to get her back to Trost immediately. She’s too badly injured and will not be able to survive the rest of the mission.” Levi said immediately.

Erwin nodded, “I sent two of Mike and his squad to let Hange and Nanaba know that we will be returning to Trost and that they will continue their mission. Go get Y/N and we will head back to Trost immediately. It will be safer if we can travel by night. Hopefully, we will get there by morning.”

“I’ll help get your things,” Petra said, following Levi to the shelter.

Levi pointed Petra to his bags, which she got and went to go put them in the wagon.

“Y/N,” Levi said carefully moving her into his arms.

“What?” she said groggily as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Erwin’s here. We’re going back home.”

“Is Petra here?”

“Yeah, she’s here. They all are.” He replied.

“That’s good,” she yawned, “Can I go back to sleep?”

“You don’t want to say hi?”

“I can do that tomorrow…” she said as she rested her head against his chest, falling right back to sleep.

Levi chuckled as he walked out of the shelter. When he approached the wagon, his squad ran up to him to greet Y/N. Levi pulled her closer to him and shook his head, “Let her sleep.”

His subordinates nodded in understanding as they went to their horses and prepared to leave. Levi placed Y/N in the wagon then ran off back into the shelter to grab her pillow. Eld watched with a small smile as he saw his captain run back and place the pillow under Y/N’s head and covered her with a blanket. They must’ve figured out what was going on with Y/N during their time in the shelter.

Levi whistled into the darkness and out of nowhere, his horse came running.

“She was here the whole time?” Oluo exclaimed, “Why didn’t you both ride her?”

“Y/N’s unfit to ride,” Levi said, climbing to the horse, “When she fell off her horse, she skidded so much that the ground tore up her right pant leg and her skin. She can’t even stand up without falling over, let alone bend her leg. Riding on a horse would have hurt her more.”

“Oh…” Oluo said.

Levi rode up beside Petra, “Did you find Lily?”

“Lily?” she asked in confusion, “Oh, you mean her horse! Yeah, one of Erwin’s men has her following his horse.”

Levi followed her gaze to the man who was riding towards them, Lily in tow.

“She followed us to Erwin.” Petra said, “I figured she would have stayed with Y/N like yours.”

Levi chuckled, “I trained her to stay near me if I was stuck. She saved our asses when we were stuck. Led the titans away when they were interested in the shelter and had them chase her for an hour or two before nightfall.”

“How did they think you were in the shelter? They aren’t smart enough to think of that.”

Levi froze, remembering what caught the titan’s attention.

“Uh Y/N…saw a mouse…and freaked out!” Levi said, trying to hide his blush. Unfortunately for him, Petra saw right through him. She was a woman after all. She’s seen men try to do what her captain was doing before.

She chuckled at him, “Sure she did. Y/N Y/L/N, one of the Survey Corps fiercest, was startled by a mouse!” she sent him a wink and she pushed her horse forward, but not without saying, “If you don’t want to make it obvious about what happened between the two of you, don’t say her first name so casually.”

Levi could only stare at her as she left him behind. How did she see right through him? He was shaken out of his thoughts when Erwin called to everyone to head out. During the entire ride back, Levi rode by the wagon carrying Y/N.

----------------------------------------------------------

When Y/N woke up, she was in a gown on a bed. She looked around the room and realized that she was in the medical wing of the Survey Corps headquarters. They made it back home. She noticed that Levi was in the room with her, sleeping in a chair. Y/N pulled back the covers and noticed that her bandages has been redone. She slowly moved herself to the edge of the bed and placed her feet on the ground. She wobbled a bit but managed to balance herself. She slowly limped over to the window and looked outside. They were back inside Wall Rose.

“Y/N?”

Y/N looked to see Levi wiping his eyes of sleep, “Why are you up?” he asked.

“I’m pretty sure I’m pumped full of drugs so I can’t sense any pain,” she chuckled, “We’re home.”

“Yeah, we got back early this morning and rushed you here. The doctors took care of you and said you can come back in a few days. I have your medication on me. God, I can’t believe you slept on that wagon the whole way here.”

“Did you go get some rest back home?” she asked.

“I went to clean myself up then came back here.”

“You mean, you slept in that chair since we came back?”

Levi nodded, “Better than that wall.”

“Still, your back must be aching!” Y/N said, hobbling over to the bed and patting the mattress, “Come lay down and get some proper sleep.”

“Y/N,” Levi sighed, “I don’t think that’s appropriate.”

“I don’t care,” Y/N said patting the bed again, “You need proper sleep. Come lay down.”

Levi sighed again as he stood up and got onto the bed, laying down behind Y/N, “Better?”

“Much.” Y/N smiled, “Now sleep.”

Levi nodded and closed his eyes, sleep taking over him in no time. After about an hour, Y/N heard a soft knock on her door. Y/N hobbled over to the door and opened it slowly, seeing Hange and Erwin.

“Y/N?” Hange exclaimed, “You should be in bed!”

“Shhh! Hange!” Y/N whispered, “Be quiet!”

“Where’s Levi?” Erwin questioned, “He said he was going to be in here with you.”

“He is,” Y/N said, stepping to the side to let the two look at him, sleeping peacefully on the bed.

“Awwww look at him, Erwin!” Hange said with a smile, “He looks so peaceful.”

“It’s about time he got some good sleep.” Erwin sighed, “He stayed by your side the entire trip back. I had to force him to go home and clean up. He was worried about you, Y/N. I’ve never seen him so attached to someone. I didn’t know he cared that much about you.”

“Neither did I…” Y/N sighed, “We’re not breaking any rules, are we?”

Erwin chuckled, “No, you aren’t breaking any rules. Dating within the Corps isn’t ideal, but not forbidden. We just don’t want our soldiers losing focus.”

“I understand, sir.” Y/N said, “Levi- I mean, Captain Levi and I discussed it during our time together. We understand the risks. If I feel like my abilities are being hindered, I will stop it all.”

Erwin nodded with a smile, “You don’t need to call the Levi formally around me. I’m glad you two understand the risks. You are both a couple of our best soldiers. You are very smart and capable of taking care of yourselves, so I don’t think I will have to worry about you two.”

“Thank you, Commander.”

“Y/N! If Levi does anything stupid, come to me! I’ll knock some sense into him!” Hange chuckled.

“Not if I knock you out first…” Levi groaned, sitting up, “Hange you’re too damn loud…”

“Levi’s got a girlfriend!” Hange sang, earning a groan from Levi and a chuckle from Erwin.

“Erwin, please take that lunatic and leave…” the dark-haired man said.

“Of course. You two must want some time to yourselves!” Erwin said, embarrassing dad mode in full drive, “Come on Hange, let’s give them some privacy.”

Y/N and Levi tried to hide their blushes from their Commander.

“Don’t forget to use protection!!” Hange said.

“HANGE!!” Levi yelled as Hange cackled, closing the door before the man could launch himself out of the bed.

“Well, that was…” Y/N started to say but lost her words.

“Fucking embarrassing.” Levi finished, “Erwin has no filter. I can’t believe he thought we were going to have sex…”

Y/N didn’t say anything, she just stood against the door, looking down at her feet.

“I mean…” Y/N said, “I thought that was why you were telling them to leave…”

“Y/N,” Levi sighed, “I would like nothing more than to bend you over this bed and take you however I see fit… But you’re still injured, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Y/N nodded at his words.

“Come here.”

Y/N walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

Levi patted the space next to him, “Lay down.”

Y/N laid on her side, facing her captain. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer to him, “When you get back,” he said.

“Okay,” Y/N said, “when I get back.”

Levi smiled and kissed her forehead, “I promise. Now sleep.”

Y/N smiled and snuggled closer to him. Breathing in his scent as she was whisked off into her dreams, feeling at home in the arms of the man with her.

--------------------------------------------------------

It had been 4 days since they got back from their mission and Y/N was allowed to come back, only able to do some light training. When she arrived at the Corp’s headquarters, Petra caught her in a tight hug.

“How are you feeling?” her friend asked.

“I’m feeling good! The leg is still pretty sore, but the wound looks so much better. I can walk like a pro!” Y/N laughed, “Oh hey! I never asked, did you find Lily?”

“Yeah, we found her! The captain didn’t tell you?”

“No. He was sleeping most of the time while I was in the hospital. He didn’t sleep much while we were lost.”

Y/N noticed the naughty look Petra was giving her. Y/N laughed and lightly punched her friend's arm, “We didn’t do much!”

“That means you did something?” Petra said wiggling her eyebrows.

Y/N groaned, “Petra, I literally couldn’t move my leg then!”

“Y/N,” Petra chuckled leaning into her friend's ear, “There are plenty of other ways. I’m not stupid. The captain acted exactly like you did when I asked him how the titans became so interested in the storm shelter.”

Y/N couldn’t hide the blush covering her face, “Petra!”

The girl laughed at her friend's embarrassment, “Lily’s in the stables if you want to see her!” she called as she headed towards the mess hall.

Y/N rolled her eyes and walked into the stable to see her four-legged friend.

“Hey girl!” she said as she walked into her horse’s stall. The horse immediately leaned down to sniff her pockets to see if she had some treats on her.

“No, none today,” Y/N sighed as she grabbed the brush to brush her mane, “I’m going to have to train you to stay near me if something like that happens again… But you did well following them to Commander Erwin.”

When she finished Lily’s mane, she saw Gunther running towards Lily’s stall.

“Gunther? What is it?”

“It’s the-the captain,” Gunther panted, “He told me to-to tell you to go to his office, he- he said it’s urgent.”

Y/N nodded, her insides exploding with excitement, knowing exactly what he called her for, “I’ll be there in a moment, thanks, Gunther.”

Gunther nodded and walked out of the stables.

Y/N sighed and placed the brush along the shelf with her other tools and patted Lily, “I’ll be back later. I’ve got a special meeting.”

Y/N exited Lily’s stall and closed the door, making her way down the hall of the stable. She stopped by Levi’s horses’ stall, greeting the black mare.

“Hello girl!” she said giving the horses’ head a rub, “Thanks for saving our asses.”

Y/N turned to continue her way out when she noticed something shiny caught her eye. She turned back and noticed a brass nameplate on the stall door. Levi didn’t have a nameplate for his horse like the rest of the Survey Corps…Y/N looked closer at the plate and saw the name ‘Charlotte’ etched into it.

“Charlotte.” Y/N said, earning a knicker from the black mare, “I came up with it! I recommended it to him.”

Y/N smiled as she made her way to Levi’s office, her heart beating in anticipation for what awaited her behind his doors.

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Huzzah!! You have reached the end of this journey! I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is always appreciated!

#levi x reader #levi smut #levi ackerman smut #levi x reader smut #attack on titan

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miss-tc-nova · 3 years

Text

Shared Ailments - Sora x Reader

Okay, I could probably do this better, but I’m brain dead and got other things to do. I was inspired to write something after listening to Yuukei Yesterday but figured the best fit was Sora, which I don’t normally write for but tada! Enjoy.

Music Inspiration: Yuukei Yesterday cover by Jubyhonic

~~~~~

The sun beats down on the defenseless, little Destiny Islands. Citizens are subject to the glaring sunrays but have come to adapt to their harsh heat. I’ve only been here a few years and even I’ve become somewhat accustom to the tropical temperature but I will blatantly state that I detest the sunlight: it’s blinding and burning and ruthless. I’d rather spend my time inside, perfectly content in my own company.

Today offers no relief from the typical threat of sunburn. I only just left school and my body is already starting to feel sticky with sweat. My feet swiftly carry me down the sidewalk towards my home, eager to get someplace cool.

Just as I round a corner, something heavy slams into me. The force throws me to the ground before subsequently squishing me. Pain grates across my arm but I can’t even gripe about it because my winded lungs are busy with a coughing fit.

“Sorry! Are you okay?!”

Still hacking away, I open my eyes to see the brightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Despite his concern, the brunette doesn’t seem to think his full weight on top of me is a problem and the proximity sends fire surging up my spine.

“Sora! Get off!” someone else demands.

“Right! Sorry! Let me help you!”

Relieving me from his mass, the boy hops up. He not-so-carefully takes my arm and pulls me off the ground. Hissing at the sting, I immediately rip out of his grasp. It’s not gushing, but the concrete certainly shredded my skin.

“Look what you did,” a third voice scolds, the girl standing behind him.

In this trio, I only know of Riku—he’s my neighbor. However, since I moved here a few years ago, I’ve only seen these three in passing; they seem to disappear for months, sometimes years, at a time before randomly showing back up. I’ve run into Riku a few times, but we didn’t really interact which was fine by me. From what I have seen of his personality, it seemed he wouldn’t be a bother at all, unlike the brunette: Sora.

Sora apologizes again. “I’m sorry. Here, let me help.”

I flinch away from him. “Get away from me!”

“I can help!”

“I don’t need your help,” I spit. “I need you to get away from me.”

“But I can fix it!” Somehow, those big blue eyes get even bigger and something about that look disconnects my brain from my mouth. “Please?”

Whatever he’s done to destroy my defense prevents a response, which brings a giddy grin to his face. The next thing I know, I’m being dragged in a different direction. The entire time, Sora radiates happiness like the sun even though his plans are now to help someone he injured.

I’m still a little hazy on what happened from there. We ended up at Sora’s house, sitting around his living room. I thought he was going to get a first aid kit or something, but he just held my arm. I would’ve jerked away, except a gentle glow seeped from beneath his fingers, distracting me long enough to lull me back into the tedious discussion. When he finally let go, my jaw dropped. There was nothing left behind—no scrape, no scabs, nothing but unmarred skin. It had me stunned and questioning the normalcy of these people, especially Sora. He was able to overcome every habit cultivated to maintain my peace and privacy. I don’t know if it had to do with the stuff he used on my arm—or if that light was some sort of virus or something—but my sharp tongue could not get through his lightheartedness. Still, I was desperate for an escape so I dropped it and left, briefly mentioning that I hoped to never run into him again.

But I did.

Somehow, Riku conned me into hanging out with him—what he failed to mention was that Sora and Kairi would be joining us. I figured it was worth my while to be on neighborly terms with the guy next door, whether it be for favors, friendship, or emergencies, so I thought there wouldn’t be any trouble. Well, trouble was his middle name and he showed up just five minutes after I did.

Unfortunately, that one accepted hang out apparently gave them the okay to bring me along on all their random shenanigans. They would ambush me after school or even straight up kidnap me from my front door. They were harmless inconveniences, so I endured them, but they repeatedly ignored my every attempt to sneak away or shut down another get together. Nothing I did stopped them from showing up later to abduct me again.

Admittedly, Riku and Kairi are nice people that I could get along with pretty easily. Sora—Sora is like the sun; he’s so much for one introvert to deal with. He’s so peppy and energetic, even when he’s being lazy. Sure, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I just can’t deal with that for so long.

To add to the exhaustion, every time I see that guy it’s like my body is trying to shut down. My heart shudders while I start to overheat and I can’t think straight. Sometimes I can barely get a word out, let alone against him. He must be using more of that weird magic or something to make me sick. I’ve considered talking to the other two about it, but as soon as Sora’s gone, I’m fine so I haven’t pressed for any answers yet.

Today is Saturday. I’ve been holed up inside since I woke up, expecting to have the perfect, peaceful day. All my homework is already done, I don’t have any chores except for making food, and I’ve already collected everything I need to enjoy my free day. I’ve been looking forward to this all week.

There’s a knock at the door. I don’t like that knock; I wasn’t expecting anyone today. For a moment, I simply stare at the door, contemplating whether or not I should answer it.

What if it’s an emergency?

A hand slaps against my forehead for such a stupid thought; now I can’t just let it go. Grumbling, I stalk towards the door to see who’s intruding on my respite.

Immediately, I’m greeted with his beaming face. “Morning!”

The door slams shut.

Fuck.

In that short second, my heart stopped and I can feel the blood rushing to my ears.

“Ah c’mon!” he calls. “You didn’t even hear what we wanted!”

“I don’t care what you want!” I shout, thankful I’m not arguing face-to-face with him or I’d never win. “Go away!”

“We know you’re not doing anything today,” Kairi says.

“Exactly! Nothing! And you can’t make me!”

Riku’s with them. “C’mon. We need your help.”

“No!”

I find it suspicious when there’s a delay in their coercion but all hope of them abandoning their harassment is lost when I hear Sora’s voice faint on the other side.

“Really? You think that’ll work?”

I press my ear to the door.

“Of course,” Kairi replies; there’s something in her tone that sends shivers down my spine.

Riku’s got that same note in his voice. “Do you want them to come or not?”

“Yeah, but they already said no.” The brunette is the odd-man-out, sounding more confused than anything.

“Just do it,” orders the girl.

Sora sighs. This time, loud enough that it must be intended for me, he begs, “Please?”

It must be some magic spell because, without first consulting my brain, my arm reaches out to tear the door open. Sora seems just as surprised as I feel, however, when I realize what’s happened, I throw a glare to the smirking cohorts behind him.

“What do you want?” I snap, grateful that this unforeseen circumstance hasn’t yet destroyed my conscience.

This is where it starts to deteriorate. With all that sunshine back in full force, Sora says, “We’re gonna do some repairs on the stuff on the other island and we wanted to know if you’d help. You don’t have to do any of the hard stuff.”

A hand over my eyes feigns frustration; in reality, it’s there to shield me from his cheeriness.

“I just wanted to relax and be lazy today,” I groan.

Somehow, Kairi shimmies past me to nudge me out the door. “You can relax while you keep us company.”

“Uh, hey!”

She drops a pair of my shoes at my feet and closes my front door.

“And hold the nails,” Riku insists, pushing a bucket of metal into my hands.

“I hate all of you,” I growl as the pair continues ushering me out of my yard.

Sora jumps ahead, looking back at me joyfully. “It’s gonna be fun. But thanks for coming; we really appreciate it.”

That happy face—those dazzling eyes, that beautiful smile—is the spell he holds over me; it eradicates all coherent thoughts and causes my stomach to squirm.

Unable to lash out, I drop my gaze. “It’s fine.”

So my plans are effectively destroyed. Once we arrive, the trio gets to work just as they said, fixing up some of the old structures scattered about the place—just a few worn planks here and there. We chatter along as the work goes by and I diligently do my job of providing nails. It’s hot and I’d still prefer to be at home right now, but it’s not the worst Saturday of my life.

I’m not exactly sure when, but Riku and Kairi abandon Sora and I on the bridge in favor of the docks. Riku took with him a handful of nails, essentially condemning me to alone time with Sora. So I sit around, passing nails out, while he attempts to talk my ear off. And no matter what quips or insults I throw at him, he just goes on as if I hadn’t said anything. It’s like he’s impervious—or deaf. Still, no matter how many times I tell him to shut up, I can’t block out a single thing he says. He’s got my undivided attention whether I want to give it or not.

He beats on the board with his hammer. “But I gotta say, being a pirate was more fun than being a mermaid…man…merman?”

Exasperated, I reply, “Sora, if you’re gonna lie to me, you could at least make it believable.”

“But I’m not lying,” he says with a childish pout.

I pass another nail into his open palm. “Really? Pirates? Mermaids? Monsters?! There’s no way you turned into all these crazy things.”

“I did!” he insists, lining the nail. “But you can’t tell anyone.”

“And have them think I’m crazy too? No thanks,” I snark, looking away. Curiosity gets the better of me. “But why not?”

“It’s this whole crazy world order thing. We’re not supposed to tell people about other worlds or it might freak ‘em out,” he casually says as he works.

“Then why did you tell me?”

Ocean eyes lift to ensnare my heart. With a smile more blinding than the sun, he answers, “Because you seem like someone I can trust.”

That’s it: I’m done. Panic takes over while I fight the urge to vomit beneath this woozy feeling. That inexplicable fever begins to run rampant again.

Sora’s high spirits falter. “Are you okay?”

Dropping the bucket, I stand and blurt out, “I’mgoinghome.”

“What?”

“I can’t do this anymore!” I start for the hut, only for a hand to take my wrist.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t touch me!” I snap, ripping my arm away. The trepidation prevents me from answering his reasonable questions.

“Wha…Did I say something?”

There is no rational answer. “Leave me alone!”

He slips around to block my path, that worry on his face aggravating my ailment. “Are you okay?”

“Get out of my way!” I demand, my heart thumping so violently I’m sure even he can hear it. “I’m going home!”

“But, why?”

“BECAUSE OF YOU!”

The second I realize what I’ve said, my hand slaps over my mouth. Sora’s surprise turns to horror and hurt. All the disorders in me disappear, replaced with utter dread—I royally screwed up.

“Because…of me?”

The words stockpile in my mouth, random ones falling out. “I-I…you…I can’t…”

“Are you mad at me?” This is the first time Sora has ever taken anything I’ve said to heart. His heartbroken voice and kicked-puppy expression cause a vice in my chest.

“N-No! I just…”

“What did I do wrong?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” I shout. “I don’t know what you did but every time you’re around I can’t function! I’m burning up! I always feel like I’m gonna puke! My brain doesn’t work right and I say stupid things! It feels like someone’s squeezing my heart! I don’t know what you’re doing but it’s freaking me out!”

The sadness I instilled in Sora melts but gives me no comfort. It turns into some sort of revelation.

“You feel it too?”

I hesitate. “What?”

Looking away, he scratches at the back of his head. “Every time I’m near you, I feel kinda sick, like I’m gonna throw up. I feel warmer, I always forget what I’m doing, and I know I talk a lot but, with you, I can’t stop talking—I even tell you things I shouldn’t. Mostly, it feels like my heart’s gonna burst. I really thought I was crazy or something but if you feel it too, maybe I’m not.”

All I can do is stare; he describes it differently, but the basics seem to be there: fever, mild nausea, brain failure, stupid mouth, and a bewildering heart. I would almost consider this some minor illness, but I can’t think of a single illness that muddles thoughts and runs a mouth the way I have.

“But you know,” Sora adds, “it’s also hard to stop staring when I’m with you. And…I can’t stop smiling.” Those are different but I still can’t make sense of any of it. On the other hand, for Sora, it seems like he’s following some train of thought. “It’s actually not that bad. I like seeing you and I like talking to you, even when you nag me. I really like hanging out with you.”

He’s reached an epiphany, the light in his head shining in his eyes.

So happy, yet so gentle, Sora says, “I like you.”

“You…like me?” I whisper, trying to wrap my head around his diagnosis. “You feel it too…and you like me?”

“Yeah.”

The concept rolls in my conscience, taking in each symptom and carefully fitting it against Sora’s conclusion. They all align perfectly. Somehow, someway, I fell for this dork of a man and was just too much of a coward to confront it.

“Oh no,” I complain, hiding behind my fingers. “I’m such an idiot.”

“What’s wrong?” His concern is back.

Looking him in the eye was difficult to being with; it’s damn near unbearable now. The sun is no match against the blood in my veins. Arms wrap around me to contain the anxiety building inside. It feels like an eternity before I manage to voice my problem.

“I…like you too.”

The sunshine that he radiates feels different. There’s nothing different about it by any means, but it represents something different now. It’s not the burning, overbearing brightness that I’ve been trying to avoid; it’s warm and welcoming. It’s still uncomfortable as hell, I still want to vomit, but with a tweak of perspective, it’s tolerable—maybe even enjoyable.

“You do?” he asks hopefully.

I can’t recall having ever smiled like this. “Yeah.”

Sora’s expression blanks, a cherry red blooming across his face.

“Sora?”

Without warning, he grips my shoulders and pulls me into a tight embrace.

“You have the most amazing smile,” he murmurs.

My heart skips and I might be on fire but I don’t want to run away this time. So I slip my arms around his neck and hide my face in his shoulder.

“You goof,” I hum into his shirt.

Then I see them, across the sand, sitting on the docks, with the smuggest grins on their faces. The thought strikes me like a bolt of lightning—they knew. Those two assholes knew everything this entire time and planned this whole thing. As I glare, a pair of fingers wave at them behind the brunette’s back, receiving sneaky snickers in response.

Sora leans back. “You okay?”

I put on a quick smile—he doesn’t need to know. “I’m great.”

A quick peck ambushes my cheek, reigniting the flustering awkwardness.

“Yeah you are.”

#sora #kh sora #sora x reader #gender neutral reader

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fmdminhee · 3 years

Photo

headcanon 001. lily’s title tracks & minhee’s opinions. word count: 1,422.

notes: this is all new writing! song titles are not included in the word count.

into the new world

nearly ten years on, minhee still insists that into the new world was an iconic debut song. she was only in her mid teens when lily debuted, and was full of hope, so ready to start a life free of her mother’s clutches. with all that in mind, there probably isn’t a better song in the world she could’ve debuted with. in the years since, so many girl groups have performed it, almost like a rite of passage, and they’ve rearranged it into a ballad version. if either of those come up, minhee will cry. she’s an ugly crier. it’s pretty embarrassing.

gee

gee gee gee gee baby baby - hwang minhee (minnie), 2013. she wants the lyrics of gee engraved on her tombstone, if possible. it’s still one of her favourites, and not just because it was a career maker. to be honest, if they hadn’t managed to at least match it with hits going forward, she’d probably dislike it by now. but, as it stands, she loves how unabashedly cute it is. 10/10, would perform all the time if she didn’t know her members’ heads would probably explode.

nonono

nonono is super fun and super catchy, and minhee really enjoyed promoting it. nowadays it’s not one that she’d pull out immediately, preferring the comeback preceding it and the three directly after, but she likes the song. it feels very classic lily, and listening back to it, and the corresponding mini-album, makes her feel sentimental as hell.

tell me

one of minhee’s top three, i think! do not hold me or her to that. all of lily’s title tracks are bangers and ranking depends on mood. but tell me definitely consistently stays in the top five. it might not be technically as good as some of their other releases from around the same era, but it’s tied with gee and oh! for number one song that makes her hyper as fuck. it’s just too much fun, she can’t take it. she got to be wonder woman for the music video too, which was cool. everything about tell me scratches minhee’s silly little brain just right.

mr. chu

though not quite on the same level as tell me and oh!, which 100% turn minhee’s brain up to 2x speed, mr. chu still gets minhee hyped up. something about the chorus and choreography and concept just all fit correctly. she’d like to say they invented the weirdly popular girl groups on tennis courts concept, but she should probably cite her sources somewhere. it’s sort of like a more her nonono.

oh!

oh! came out around the same time that minhee was coming of age, and actually wanting to try something a little different to lily’s typical concepts, and oh!’s styling allowed her to do that -- she liked it a lot, she felt like she was the cool girl in an american high school movie. not only that, but she loves the dance and the addictive chorus too. she has about as much fun with it as she does with gee and tell me.

run devil run

when minhee said she wanted to do something different, she didn’t mean it like this. in all seriousness, run devil run is a fun song, but she appreciates it much more today than she did when they released it. the image reversal on stage was really difficult for her. still, if they were going to go down a sexy route, she hoped it wouldn’t feature so much tight leather in the future. short shorts >>>.

nobody

a very cool song, one that minhee thinks did better at showing off her versatility than run devil run, alongside showing the public lily’s more grown up and sexier sides, without going as far as run devil run did either. she got to be expressive in her face, and really had a lot of fun playing it up for the cameras. fun fact! it’s her dad’s favourite lily title track.

genie (tell me your wish)

genie minhee’s beloved <3 truly one of their best. it’s the perfect blend of original and the at the time emerging new lily. refreshing and upbeat, flirty and fun. it’s an unbeatable combination of all the things that make lily great. she has absolutely no qualms about calling it a modern classic.

hoot

BOP. has a lot of the same positives for minhee as nobody and genie. she loves the whole old school thing from this era of lily’s title tracks. one of her personal top favourites (a contender for a slot in the ever rotating top three and five), not least thanks to the choreography in the chorus. she thinks hoot is iconic, and though yes, people would agree, she thinks it deserves to be even more of a widespread opinion.

i got a boy

minhee’s tiny attention span loves i got a boy. she really loves it, like seriously. it’s one of lily’s most active choreographies, and she doesn’t think any other group could pull off a song like i got a boy. who else could get away with it?? she loves how youthful it feels too, and how it managed to be so without it feeling like they’d gone too far back after the mature-ish retro concepts before it.

the boys

for minhee, the boys is kind of like run devil run’s better younger sister. run devil run was a test run, then they took the formula and made it ten times better with the boys. maybe it’s a confidence thing though. her self esteem was never low, per se, but she was definitely better equipped for a concept like this in 2017 than she was in 2015.

be my baby

retro lily best lily! minhee adores be my baby for its return to one of her favourite styles of lily song -- the kind she can really get expressive during. she could be cute and pouty up on stage again, while still acting her age. she had so much fun performing be my baby, and it’s another contender for the top five title tracks in her opinion.

only one

only one is a nice song, for sure, but it’s pretty close to the bottom of minhee’s list. it’s like an unremarkable return to classic lily ... except it’s not fun or cute enough to satisfy minhee’s standards. weirdly, it makes her feel old. as if bc is putting an odd, grainy filter on an otherwise modern song and concept because they doubted whether or not the girls could still pull off the likes of mr. chu or nonono.

luv

luv is uncharacteristically somber when compared to pretty much all of their other title tracks, but minhee, surprisingly, likes it a lot. it’s catchy, both in its music and its choreography, and it’s a good blend of the old school drama type of vibe she gets from something like nobody or be my baby with the sweetness and sincerity of into the new world. a dark horse in minhee’s rankings.

five

five, in minhee’s opinion, is a much better attempt at whatever bc was trying to do with only one. it feels much more like proper original vibes lily, noticeably lacking the inexpiable bad vibes she got off the whole production of only one. everything about five came naturally to her.

remember

remember is a really unique song in lily’s discography in terms of its concept. the nautical summery themes also sort of reminded minhee of nonono and the sailor outfits they wore all the way back then. in the grand scheme of things, it lands squarely towards the end of minhee’s list in terms of preference, but above only one.

mr. mr.

ULTRA BOP. minhee loves mr. mr. so much. it’s got all of the retro influences that she adores, topped with a modern electronic dance flair. she’s conceited, so if you ask her, she’ll tell you that lily were the trendsetters behind retro coming back, citing mr. mr. and, like, half of their earlier title tracks for good measure. again, she’s come a long way since run devil run, and is much more comfortable being cool as well as cute now.

i’m so sick

i’m so sick is retro leaning, has a fun dance, and the styling makes minhee feel like a sad princess in a fantasy version of modern day. it’s perfect. she doesn’t love it as much as a lot of their previous releases, but she thinks it’s a really good concept for them to run with in 2021. she’d admittedly been sort of doubting bc and her decision to renew her contract because of her gripes with only one and remember, but thanks to 2021′s releases, minhee feels pretty satisfied with her choice.

#( * hc )#important!!! bc i've been thinking abt this after listening to my lily playlist on repeat since the restructure was revealed!!!!#gonna do a couple things on eunah and then /: clear out my room so i can get new carpet put down lol and then hopefully either tn or tomorro #i can reply to everyone's messages properly!!! i slept in today even after going to bed early so i'm a little behind schedule

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shineonyoucrazyyandere · 5 years

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any hcs or scenarios for yandere!la squadra with a crush thats not too fluent in italian? like maybe they're an exchange student or something?

I didn’t put Sorbet and Gelato because I was wiped by the end of writing this. I didn’t expect to make these hcs 2.4k words so forgive me. This was really fun to write though!

Yandere! Formaggio

Formaggio tends to loiter around occasionally when he’s not on a hit. Sometimes it’s to try and call over a cat or two to pet other times he’s biding his time relaxing.

Of course that one fateful day he sees you petting a cat that just so happens to be one of his favorites. He immediately mentions this to you while walking up casually.

It might surprise you, and he’ll immediately recognize you’re not from the area let alone the country. But the male can still understand you, and that brings a nice little smirk across his face.

He’ll ask if you need a little help in speaking, of course he cheekily helps. This leads him to doing it often however, and suddenly he’s meeting you purposely.

Formaggio will certainly pop up wherever you’re staying, it’ll likely freak you out which he doesn’t mind. He just casually treats you like you’re someone close and well he wants to get even closer.

Your somewhat limited language skills is something he’ll be quick to use against you. Oh are you trying to say something? It doesn’t sound quiet right. He’ll even say certain things a little too fast for your understanding.

Oh but don’t worry he has this, he can teach you everything you need to know. Private lessons with just you and him at least is what he insinuates. He keeps distracting you with these frightening words, until the point he can grab your helpless self after realizing your differing heights.

Who needs your buddies, when you can have one on one time with a native like him?

Yandere! Illuso

Illuso is personally drawn in by you when you seem to have a bit of trouble getting something through to someone else. It’s more simple amusement at first with you stumbling over your words.

He’ll eventually step out from the mirror world he has, and come right up to you. The temporary fright in your eyes gives him unusual delight even coming from a foreigner.

He somehow knows what you’re meaning to say, and beats around the bush a bit until finally assisting you. After managing to get your proper vocabulary together he does ask for a bit of compensation.

It’s really simple however, all Illuso asks for is some cookies (and maybe a few slips of money). So he sticks to basic conversation.

He’ll keep stalking you after he supposedly “leaves”. He ends up paying a bit more attention when it comes to who you’re familiar with and what language you’re speaking in. Over the phone or in person that doesn’t really matter to him.

Anyone that physically came to the country with you, slowly “vanish” or aren’t around for extended periods of time. As Illuso himself sees himself as the only one to properly fit helping you.

He’ll likely be the cause of you being somehow being left behind on the trip back to your home country. No, you won’t even realize you’re not in a normal area until noticing the lack of people aside from Illuso himself.

Yandere! Pesci

It takes either a lot of courage on his end to approach you or you might’ve bumped into him while sorting things out. Still he feels a bit bad about your situation and is sympathetic for you trying to learn something.

Pesci might even stumble on his own words himself, but he tries to keep his words simple for a new learner to understand. He helps immediately once understanding what your problem is. Lifting something? No problem. Need a ltitle help sorting out directions, sure!

After that he can’t help but linger around a bit, and maybe see where you head off to.

He’ll end up fixating on finding you again, for once he’s not on the end of being unsure. He wants to keep guiding you as best as he can, just to show he can stand on his own.(If and only if to prove himself a bit more to Prosciutto)

Pesci does somehow manage to do this, even if it did take misleading you to thinking you lost something. He can’t but feel his heartbeat flutter when you thank him in Italian.

Eventually he finds himself tailing you many places, while casually dragging away unsavory people with Beach Boy. Even if the person is relatively close to you.

Speaking of you might be caught by Beach Boy yourself, he just can’t bare you leaving so soon. It might be a door handle, or your own luggage. It’s the best option for him, and he swears he’ll figure out on how to keep you around (even if it’s against your will).

Yandere! Prosciutto

He likely pauses at first at whatever you’re saying, an instant recognition that you’re not fluent. The blond weighs his options before finally deciding to help if you seem to be wanting it.

His gaze firmly focuses on you as he seems to lightly translate while getting you to properly figure out what you need. He usually doesn’t go around doing this for just anyone. Perhaps it’s your determination to learn seriously that gets him?

He makes a clean break after the first meeting, fully content with what he had done. It’s not until he sees you with anyone he feels is inefficiently trying to help you on another day that it gets him to do anything.

Prosciutto tends to lean you towards markets and tries to speak about certain food items. Or even wine to an extent, something he sees essential to try while in Italy.

He basically guides you along and fills in some words that you seem to miss at times. Much of the time he listens in approval or gently tsks at mistakes. (Though he won’t berate you like he does Pesci occasionally).

The blond eventually finds himself craving your company more and invites you out to dinner to experience the food culture. Any decline of his offers due to having plans with anyone else he’ll quickly try to take care of.

Behind your back he learns of these people’s identities and likely ages them to be incapable of attending those plans themselves. He might kill them off later if he sees them as too much of a nuisance.

There’s an increased amount of one on one conversation with you and Prosciutto. Even if it’s simple, he compliments your improvement.

The blond might be the only one left that you’re able to come in contact with. He’s suddenly meeting you early in the morning and not bringing you back to the place you’re staying in until evening. At times he purposely keeps you out so late, he tells you to stay with him somewhere until you can return the next day.

By any means if you get panicky and try to call anyone for help that isn’t Prosciutto himself you’re in a lot of trouble. The blond isn’t happy and his tone is simple and firm with you, as he makes it known he doesn’t approve of what you’re doing.

The worst of it all is when he softly informs you’re not leaving on your intended date, he’s oh so tenderly holding your wrists while saying this. While aging you directly with the Grateful Dead. Its only a fair punishment from trying to run off from him.

Yandere! Melone

Melone is one of the few that would’ve had an eye on you right from the start. Likely he’s already infatuated with whatever cute traits you’re exhibiting.

He purposely positions himself in a way that you have to talk to him, (whether it be dropping something or nearly spilling something) and by some chance you do happen to ask him something, he’s thrilled.

He’s extremely impatient with you and your fluidity in Italian, actually he’s quite excited to potentially teach you something. It weirdly satisfies and captures his heart in an indescribable way that he seems jittery for some reason.

Simple chit chat is what he starts with, and he intentionally distracts you in missing a ride or going a certain area by making conversation that might be a bit too quick for you.

The purple haired male takes no time at all to memorize your looks and positive traits (which he immediately goes to since he often has to find a mother for babyface). Though instead of rationalizing everything about you for a stand, he’a thinking of a potential relationship in the making. After all your culture and even language is likely different from his, so every second counts.

He snatches a key or a card to the place you’re staying at and makes a copy of it fairly fast. Although it might be temporary he takes in everything you have to offer. Especially how you leave your bed made or unmade, the sweet scent of washcloths or the like. Though if he finds pictures he makes sure to go through those quickly.

He prefers to go clothes shopping with you, and full well will pay for it if it means him seeing you wearing it. All while guiding you through conversations and the like to make it possible.

It doesn’t take long for Melone to come to the conclusion of separating you from anyone that came with you on your little trip. Even if that’s getting you lost on a trip to another part of Italy, so you can only rely on him is something he ultimately revels in.

More than likely he’ll drug a drink a bit to keep you sedated if you become a bit uncooperative. But he’ll certainly make sure his place is ready for you when you come to eventually.

Yandere! Ghiaccio

Honestly this man gets huffy over Venezia being said as Venice, so you’ll end up sticking out like a sore thumb as he can’t possibly ignore someone so close by to him stumbling that much. Usually he’d just go off and rant about it to Melone or himself but just something about you struggling got to him.

He’ll walk right up to you to try and get whatever you’re trying to say out of you. He recites it perfectly in a huff, perhaps if you look at him with some appreciation he decides to stick around (though he still walks off seemingly unconcerned any further).

Eventually he sees you surprisingly often, and he starts griping about the other people around you. He doesn’t enjoy it in the slightest, even if it’s a low key attempt at friendship. It’ll likely piss him off into an angry state if this said person stays longer than their welcome.

Suddenly he’s butting into certain conversations, and insists on helping with any potential accents around. At times he insults the other person he talks to if they look at you too long.

If Ghiaccio finds himself developing a significant attachment to you, he starts taking out unwanted people left and right. Freezing each and every last one of them without remorse.

There’s days he just sits and helps you become more fluent, others he watches from afar until he feels like moving in.

There will be a day just about all of your stuff is taken from your place, and the next moment you’ll be stolen away. When and where this happens, you’ll have no clue.

Yandere! Risotto Nero

Just a simple question is really all it takes, he’ll help in any way possible. He’ll be open to waiting until you get where you need/or wherever you’re going. There’s likely some small advice to avoid certain places during certain hours as simply as possible.

He probably trails his eyes over you as you walk another direction, Risotto doesn’t have many people approach him willingly with his height and appearance. It’s simply interesting to him, but he doesn’t overthink the interaction at first.

If Risotto does see you again by some means, he doesn’t mind briefly intervening for extra advice to you. If it’s getting around it doesn’t seem like an unusual thing to talk about to outsiders. Or he simply helps in any linguistic troubles.

He spaces out his interactions but he will occasionally folllow you to your current residence with the work of Metallica at play.

More often than not you’ll meet the man more towards the evening and night. He’ll happen to be walking around, and lets himself lose enough to walk with you. Depending how often you go out, he might make it a “habit” to bump into you.

There’s certainly times he finds himself yearning to break into the place you’re staying in. That’s with the certainty no one else is there with you however.

He finds himself helping you out very often the closer he gets to you, something about how you interact with him gives Risotto a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time. Even with the broken Italian, he starts to seek to improve it on a whim.

This is going to happen a lot when you somehow find a place to be alone for more than five minutes. Either the white haired male will stay in the shadows watching you, or he’ll come out to talk to you alone.

Slowly though he finds himself “needing” you more and more, just hearing you afar drives him crazy. He finds the odd reliance on him strangely satisfying.

Places that don’t have very heavy foot traffic at all are places you’ll sometimes finds the male. He insists on them so he can communicate with you much clearer than tourist spots.

His touches are much more sensual than that of a person that would have a platonic friendship. He’ll stand much closer to you than a normal person would as well. Even while helping you learn something, it seems abnormal. Asking about this only lends him to implying it’s a habit he’s trying to break.

There’s a point he starts killing off anyone he sees as an obstacle, especially when he learns of your eventual return to whatever country you came from.

If you try to run, or perhaps become wary of Risotto somehow. He simply cuts the games, draining your iron is enough and making you drop any phone is as simple as willing it. A douse of pain from needles or a scalpel, it’s just a means to an end. Keeping you in his life for good just happens to be one of those things.

#yandere x reader #yandere jjba #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jjba #la squadra di esecuzione #formaggio #illuso #pesci #proscuitto #melone #ghiaccio #risotto nero #jojo x reader #jjba x reader #jjba imagines

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danganronpa-21 · 4 years

Text

Naegiri Week Day 7: Investigate

Awwww... it’s the last day of Naegiri Week already. I have to say, I’m going to miss writing about Naegiri every day. Posting work that so many of you have interacted with is ridiculously fun, but... also quite tiring. So here’s my last prompt for Naegiri Week 2019. And look, guys! I finished all seven days this year!

Before I let you read though, I want to give special thanks to everyone who’s been supporting myself and other creators for this week. Seeing other people reblog our content, so many of them filled with that sweet tag commentary, it brightens up everyone’s days! So thank you for that!

And thank you to Eon of @naegiriweek for organizing! I know it was harder to do on your own this year, and I really appreciate all of the work you put into managing everything. Thank you very much for what you’ve done -- you were spectacular!

Alright. I think that’s all I have to say for now. I hope you enjoy Day 7: Investigate.

______________

Christmas Eve traditionally tended to be a bad time to ask Kyoko for help.

“It’s a challenging day of the year for me,” She had told him a few days prior, her tone not at all mimicking the nature of her words, “So I prefer not to be bothered much throughout its duration.”

When Makoto had inquired as to why, she pushed past it. Something sharp and snappy was said, but it went ignored. They’d been friends for long enough for him to know when he was supposed to take certain things to heart. So conversation-wise, they left it at that. They left it knowing that Kyoko found Christmas Eve to be a tough day of the year, and that Makoto shouldn’t bother her too much because of it. Pretty simple stuff.

But even if that was the conclusion that was drawn, that certainly wouldn’t stop Makoto from doing what he could to cheer her up. One could always assume that there were a few certainties in life: One, death. Two, life. Three, Makoto Naegi being physically unable to avoid doing nice things for friends that were feeling down. So naturally, the luckster picked up the slack. He’d been oh so proud of himself at the time; so glad to have found a way to help Kyoko feel better during such a rough time of year.

Really, the only problem was that the slack he’d picked up had gone horribly missing.

“Where could they be…?” He groaned to himself, shuffling through just about everything in his bedroom. He’d already torn apart his desk and the top of his dresser trying to figure out where he placed it, and so far had come up with nothing. He hoped that wouldn’t be the case for the surface of his bedside table as he turned towards it, expecting more than what it would give. “Of all the times to lose something…!”

With one fell swoop, he pushed all of the books off of his bedside table. Probably not the best idea if he intended to keep his present in tact, but he thought that it could maybe be a good way of revealing the contents of its surface. The issue was that only books and personal hygiene products hit the ground, spilling papers and deodorant all over his bedroom floor. No signs of the little box he’d wrapped Kyoko’s gift in.

“Of course. Of course it’s not here!” He griped to himself; his arms thrown into the air dramatically. A low grumble escaped his throat as he glared at the table, cursing it for not being the hiding spot of Kyoko’s present. “God… where could it be…?”

Pushing a hand through his hair, Makoto decided to take a couple of steps back. Perhaps if he surveyed the room for a minute or two, the box would make itself seen. He just had to make sure he was keeping an eye out for the right things. A little box covered in pink wrapping paper; tied nicely with a silky white bow. It shouldn’t be so hard to find. It wasn’t like Makoto had a lot of shiny pink things in his bedroom.

His eyes scanned the room once more. As he looked around the room, he swore he could feel the weight of his worry on his shoulders. Christmas Eve in Japan was… well, it was one of the most romantic nights of the year. And even despite her hardships with the time, Kyoko had agreed to go out with him for this one night. He planned to take her somewhere nice, and give her a gift, so maybe she wouldn’t have to feel so sad. Whether she chose to interpret his actions as a flirtatious gesture was up to her. He would accept things no matter how they came. All he wanted was for her to feel loved. In order to do that, though, they would need to fulfill his other want: finding that box.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

Of all times to get there! The knocking on his front door was unmistakable. Of course Kyoko would be there early. Normally she was the kind of person who didn’t really think of other people’s time; it all but showed in her tendency to be late to class. Almost every other time he’d asked her to hang out were another piece of evidence to the case. Of course just this once, when she needed to be tardy, she wasn’t. His hands curled into fists at the frustration of hearing the door open, and the sound of his mother’s voice greeting Kyoko.

“Hi Kirigiri-san!” He heard the older woman’s silvery voice chirp, “It’s good to see you again. Makoto’s just upstairs getting ready. I can go get him for you, if you like.”

Makoto sighed. At least he could be comforted by the fact that his mother had finally learned that Kyoko wasn’t a talker. The first time she’d come to visit the house, she’d bombarded her with all kinds of questions about herself. When Kyoko dodged practically every single one, his mother worried that the girl disliked her. Which, in turn, led to her son explaining to her that Kyoko was shy and reticent. Fortunately, that had been enough to get her to stop pushing the next time the two of them were in the same room.

“Actually, Mrs. Naegi, I wondered if I might speak to Naegi-kun myself. I have something I need to ask him before we leave.”

He froze when he caught those words. Oh god, what was he going to tell her about his bedroom? He planned for her gift to be a surprise. He’d need to come up with some sort of excuse for the mess of papers and knick-knacks strewn across the hardwood floors.

“Sure thing! His bedroom’s just up there, first door on your right.”

Makoto didn’t hear Kyoko say thank you, but he assumed she probably nodded it. Her choosing to be quiet around his mother seemed more likely that him choosing to be impolite. Dread built in his stomach as he listened to her footsteps as they pounded against the staircase hard and strong as she made her way up. Likely on account of her high-heeled boots; she seemed to pair them with every outfit. Even for a winter’s night, he noted. Which was absolutely the wrong thing to note, given that his room was a mess and he had no excuse as to why. He supposed it was at least something that made her entrance more dramatic, as she swung into the doorway of his bedroom. Her brows were raised in surprise almost immediately.

The first and only thing he thought to do when she caught sight of him was grin sheepishly, offering a tiny wave. “H-Hey, Kirigiri-san.”

The detective’s face screamed confusion; her head tilting as she rushed to comprehend the information she was taking in. Her brows were furrowed together slightly, and he could see her pursing her lips.

“Did a bomb go off in here?”

Kind of rude, he thought, but pushed the thought away. He forced himself to laugh instead, but he could tell it did little to convince Kyoko that what she said something humorous. “N-No, I just…” He paused, scrambling for a last minute excuse, “I was looking for something.”

Pathetic and also truthful. Jeez, he hadn’t realized that he was such a bad liar. Maybe he needed to get Celestia to coach him sometime.

Kyoko’s expression remained dubious; still scrutinizing the details of his bedroom rather than the details of his face. “... Right.”

“Actually… Kirigiri-san, do you think you could help me?” He asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet, “I really need to find it before we go out.”

She folded her arms across her chest; he couldn’t help but notice how she puffed it up proudly at being asked. She wasn’t kidding about taking pride in her work, no matter how small the job. “What am I investigating?”

Blood flowed to Makoto’s face at the question. Well, now that she’d seen the room, he imagined he would have to tell her what she was looking for. Sure, it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore, but hopefully it was still possible for her to enjoy the gift anyway.

His inner self-reassurance didn’t stop him from scratching at his cheek, though. “You see, the other day, when you told me that you don’t feel so great on Christmas Eve, I got to thinking… I know this time of year is hard for you, and I don’t really know what for. So I decided I would make you a little Christmas gift. You know, to help you feel better.”

Kyoko nodded in recognition, but showed no semblance of happiness. Typical. She could be bouncing for joy underneath that iron mask of hers, and he wouldn’t have a clue.

“I see…” A hand flew to her chin; her usual signal that she was diving into deep thought. “And I imagine you misplaced my gift?”

His shoulders slumped a little at the confession. “Unfortunately.”

“Well, I suppose now I have to help you find it, don’t I?” She sighed, striding into the room with a complete and total disregard for the floor clutter. This would prove to be her downfall, for she nearly got taken out by the stick of deodorant that had been swept to the floor. It was a stroke of good luck that allowed Makoto to catch her elbow and steady her.

“If you’d still like it. What I thought we might do together tonight wasn’t anything time sensitive. We can afford to spend a few minutes looking around for your present.”

Letting out a small sigh, Kyoko steadied herself. Her gaze failed to meet Makoto’s as she studied the room; the gears in her mind already turning. With the way she acted, one might almost have believed that he hadn’t heard what he said. “What does the gift look like?”

“It’s small, and pink-”

“How small?”

“About… uh…” Makoto straightened out his hands and made the distance; he kept them about a shoebox-length apart. “This big.”

She nodded. “And you said it was pink?”

“Yes. A shiny pink. I tied it up with a white bow.”

For the first time that night, Kyoko laughed. A relatively small one, but still a laugh. She covered her mouth in an attempt to hide it, but he could still see it. He almost thought it to be the first he’d seen her laugh all day. Did his diligence with presents humour her? He hoped she knew that he always took gift-giving seriously. The birthday party they’d thrown for Mukuro and Junko at school earlier that day should have clued her into that.

“Of course you did,” She sighed, “You are the kind of person to do that.”

He struggled to understand whether or not he should be offended“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She waved it off, choosing to step further into the room. “Just one more thing I can discern simply by examining you for more than three seconds.”

Makoto bristled slightly; unafraid to pout at the comment. Once again she was teasing him for being so open. Sometimes he couldn’t tell if she liked that about him, or if she found it annoying. He could only hope that this time it was meant to be complementary; he did intend to be subtly romantic with her that night, after all. It wouldn’t exactly bode well for him if she thought him to be an overt fool.

He huffed half-exasperatedly. “Do you need any other clues to search? Like where I saw it last?”

She shrugged, closing one of her eyes as she searched the room. What that did, he couldn’t help but wonder. “Was it here that you last saw it?”

He nodded. Wrapping her gift was the last thing he’d done before bed. He remembered the whole thing so meticulously: placing the gift on the sheet of wrapping paper, measuring out the exact dimensions of the box, placing the tape on each individual corner. He found he could even recall the tying of the bow, and how he redid it a few times to make it perfect. Then, he’d placed it down somewhere for the next day. The same place where he’d put the presents he wrapped for Mukuro and Junko’s birthday. But when he returned home after a long day at their school party, Kyoko’s box was no longer there. And he knew he didn’t take it and give it to one of the twins by accident.

“Who else has been in this bedroom lately?” She inquired, her expression slowly but surely falling flat once again. “Is there anyone who comes in when you’re not here?”

“Not… usually, no. Most of the time it’s just me. Sometimes my mom if she needs a couple extra pieces of clothing for a load of her laundry…” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Other than that, no real regulars…”

“I see.”

A brief silence fell between them, but not for more than a few seconds. Instantly, a memory popped into his mind. One that he’d forgotten amongst all of the Christmas and birthday bustle.

“Oh, wait! Dad was in here last night. He asked if he could hide his gift for Mom in my room. They’re supposed to be going out on a date later tonight, and he didn’t want her to find it before he could give it to her.”

Kyoko snapped her fingers, but it didn’t register in his ears. On account of it just be leather rubbing together, he predicted. He wondered if she ever missed the click ungloved hands made. “Where did he hide his gift for your mother?”

Makoto gestured towards his closet. “Top shelf. Where that box of old action figures is.”

She laughed softly once again, strutting over to the closet. She pulled the doors open with ease, starting her search without wasting a lick of time. “Bit of an action figures kid, were you?”

He scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah,” He admitted, “I had a really big superhero phase when I was a kid. I collected all kinds of figures. Unfortunately, I can’t bear to part with them quite yet, even though I’m almost eighteen.”

“That’s perfectly normal,” She assured him, “I'll admit that I still have some of the dolls from my youth. Also, a bit of a side note really, but I think I found out the answer to your mystery.”

His ears perked up at the second phrase. Man, was she fast. Her Super High School Level Detective title was no joke. “Really? You did?”

She nodded. “Simple case of misplacement. Your father wrapped his gift in the same wrapping paper as you.” She pulled the gift down from the shelf to prove her point, the shiny paper glittering at both of them, “He probably thought that you’d taken his out for him, and he brought it along with him. You do kind things like that so often; it’s likely he wouldn’t have thought twice.”

“That makes sense,” He laughed slightly, “Dad’s usually dragging me into his gifts for Mom. He can trust me not to blab like Komaru will.”

Kyoko chuckled softly, holding the present out to him. “Well, if it’s a logical conclusion, then you’d better go exchange the gift before your father goes out on that date. Judging by the weight of this box, I’d say he probably got her something as valuable as a necklace. We would not want him to panic over a switch like that, given how expensive Christmas Eve jewellery tends to be.”

Makoto accepted the package from her gratefully. “He did get her a necklace; he told me so. Green zircon pendant, I think. He said something about it reminding him of her eyes.”

“It would match her eyes well, yes.”

He blinked, taken aback by the observation. “I’m surprised you noticed.”

She shrugged. “They’re the same colour as yours.”

Nothing about how noticing things as a detective was in her nature. Just the simple statement that he and his mother shared the same eyes. Such a tiny comment, yet Makoto felt his heart skip a beat. He hoped she couldn’t see him start to blush at her comment.

“Y-Yeah…” He paused for a minute, staring at the box in his hand.

“Well don’t just stand there. Go give it to him.” She urged, “I’ll be waiting in the foyer when you get back. We mustn’t take any longer getting to this amazing sight you wanted me to see.”

A soft smile began to curve across his face. God, if he hadn’t liked her before, he really liked her now.

“Yeah, okay. Thanks, Kirigiri-san.”

She winked. “It’s a detective’s job to investigate.”

___________________

“Wow…”

Deciding which was twinkling more was a challenge — Makoto found himself severely caught between Kyoko’s eyes or the city lights. The sight didn’t allow him to fight off his smile as he leaned into her, his tone full of amusement. “Well, what did I tell you?”

Her gaze fixed itself forward on the view. She didn’t seem prepared to look at him… but that was fine. He liked looking at her. “It’s… beautiful. Just as much as you said.”

“I knew you would like it.”

“I imagine I would have a harder time not liking it. The city is absolutely radiant from up here.”

So are you, Makoto desired to say, but he kept his lips sealed. Comments like that would be too forward, and he knew they both weren’t ready for that yet. They were still just two friends, having a nice night. Watching each other’s faces among the gleaming city lights.

He didn’t quite catch what drew her back from the otherworldliness of the view. From one minute to the next, it seemed like she slowly slipped out of its hypnotism, turning to him with a smile on her face. Something he hadn’t expected to see, after how scantly she’d laughed that day.

“So am I allowed to open this gift of yours now?” She shook the package at him excitedly. He could see in her expression how much more relaxed she was now; her smile being a relatively lazy one.

“Of course. Rip into it.”

She wasted no time tearing into the wrapping paper like a small child, but not before she undid the bow and gently placed it aside. Makoto couldn’t help but remark to himself how cute it was that she had so much consideration for the aesthetics and maintenance of the bow. Just another one of her charming quirks, he supposed.

Kyoko finished off the wrapping paper easily; practically the moment she tore into it. As soon as the wrapping paper had been torn from the box, the detective’s next challenge was sliding her finger underneath an edge to pry it open. Fortunately she was able to do so with little struggle, reaching into it. A small tray sat inside, and when Kyoko pinched it between her fingers and pulled it out… She revealed a gift of chocolates.

“Naegi-kun… did you make these?” Her voice was wrought with disbelief; her eyes wide.

He nodded. “I did. You know, there’s actually a lot of research that suggests that chocolate makes you happier. So I thought, what’s better this time of year than some homemade chocolates? Plus… a-admittedly, Asahina-san sort of told me about your secret fixation on chocolate.”

She shook her head. “Betrayed by my confidant,” She said mockingly, staring off into the distance as if she were in a detective noir, “How harrowing.”

There was no use in him fighting off his laugh; he chose to embrace it. Despite her tendency to be stoic, she always could crack a good joke. “Do you want to try one?”

“Undoubtedly.” She plucked one from the tray and popped it into her mouth. Within an instant, her eyebrows raised. She chewed for a few seconds, only to stop suddenly. He hoped that meant something good. She confirmed his hopes by starting to suck on the chocolate; her intent to make it last longer clear as day.

Nervously, he leaned in closer to her. “Do you… like it?”

“I love it.” She replied, her answer deeply muffled by the chocolate on her tongue. “This is… some of the best chocolate I’ve ever had. It’s… wonderful.”

He felt himself start to blush at her words. He’d never really been quite so sure of his dessert-making skills, so having the reassurance was comforting. “I’m glad.”

Before she had even finished sucking on the first one, he watched her pop another one of the tray and into her mouth. “Naegi-kun, honestly, this is amazing…”

He swatted the comment away, taking on a ‘you flatter me’ gesture. “Oh, it’s no problem.”

“No, it is. You were under no obligation to do any of this for me, but you did it anyway. All because I told you I found Christmas Eve challenging. Taking me here, and giving me this… it’s amazing. Naegi-kun, you’re amazing.”

You’re amazing.

Makoto felt his heart skip its beat once again. Maybe he wasn’t ready to tell her that she was radiant. But she was ready to tell him that he was amazing. And that was enough.

“So are you, Kirigiri-chan.”

#Naegiri2019 #Naegiri #danganronpa #thh #kyoko kirigiri #makoto naegi #naegi x kirigiri #DR1 #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #fanfiction #kyouko kirigiri #kirigiri kyoko #naegi makoto #hey look there is a very weak weak reference to Yui Samidare in here

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John Berryman in 1966, two years after the publication of “77 Dream Songs.” The Heartsick Hilarity of John Berryman’s Letters is a book review by Anthony Lane (in The New Yorker) of The Selected Letters of John Berryman. The book is edited by Philip Coleman and Calista McRae and published by the Belknap Press, at Harvard. My acquaintance, the generous Philip Coleman, mailed me a copy of this book at the end of October. Lane writes, “. . . anyone who delights in listening to Berryman, and who can’t help wondering how the singer becomes the songs, will find much to treasure here, in these garrulous and pedantic pages. There is hardly a paragraph in which Berryman—poet, pedagogue, boozehound, and symphonic self-destroyer—may not be heard straining toward the condition of music. ‘I have to make my pleasure out of sound,’ he says. The book is full of noises, heartsick with hilarity, and they await their transmutation into verse.” Here is the book review:

The poet John Berryman was born in 1914, in McAlester, Oklahoma. He was educated at Columbia and then in England, where he studied at Cambridge, met W. H. Auden and Dylan Thomas, and lit a cigarette for W. B. Yeats. All three men left traces in Berryman’s early work. In 1938, he returned to New York and embarked upon a spate of teaching posts in colleges across the land, beginning at Wayne State University and progressing to stints at Harvard, Princeton, Cincinnati, Berkeley, Brown, and other arenas in which he could feel unsettled. The history of his health, physical and mental, was no less fitful and spasmodic, and alcohol, which has a soft spot for poets, found him an easy mark. In a similar vein, his romantic life was lunging, irrepressible, and desperate, so much so that it squandered any lasting claim to romance. Thrice married, he fathered a son and two daughters. He died in 1972, by jumping from the Washington Avenue Bridge in Minneapolis. To the appalled gratification of posterity, his fall was witnessed by somebody named Art Hitman.

Berryman would have laughed at that. In an existence that was littered with loss, the one thing that never failed him, apart from his unwaning and wax-free ear for English verse, was his sense of humor. The first that I heard of Berryman was this:

Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so. After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns, we ourselves flash and yearn, and moreover my mother told me as a boy (repeatingly) ‘Ever to confess you’re bored means you have no

Inner Resources.’ I conclude now I have no inner resources, because I am heavy bored. Peoples bore me, literature bores me, especially great literature, Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes as bad as achilles,

who loves people and valiant art, which bores me. And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag and somehow a dog has taken itself & its tail considerably away into mountains or sea or sky, leaving behind: me, wag.

“Wag” meaning a witty fellow, or “wag” meaning that he is of no more use than the back end of a mutt? Who on earth is Henry? Also, whoever’s talking, why does he address us as “friends,” as if he were Mark Antony and we were a Roman mob, and why can’t he even honor Achilles—the hero of the Iliad, a foundation stone of “great literature”—with a capital letter? You have to know such literature pretty well before you earn the right to claim that it tires you out. Few knew it better than Berryman, or shouldered the burdens of serious reading with a more remorseless joy. As he once said, “When it came to a choice between buying a book and a sandwich, as it often did, I always chose the book.”

“Life, friends” is the fourteenth of “The Dream Songs,” the many-splendored enterprise that consumed Berryman’s energies in the latter half of his career, and on which his reputation largely rests. His labors on the Songs began in 1955 and led to “77 Dream Songs,” which was published in 1964 and won him a Pulitzer Prize. In the course of the Songs, which he regarded as one long poem, he is represented, or unreliably impersonated, by a figure named Henry, who undergoes “the whole humiliating Human round” on his behalf. As Berryman explained, “Henry both is and is not me, obviously. We touch at certain points.” In 1968, along came a further three hundred and eight Songs, under the title “His Toy, His Dream, His Rest.” (A haunting phrase, which grabs the seven ages of man, as outlined in “As You Like It,” and squeezes them down to three.) Two days after publication, he was asked, by the Harvard Advocate, about his profession. “Being a poet is a funny kind of jazz. It doesn’t get you anything,” he said. “It’s just something you do.”

There was plenty of all that jazz. Berryman forsook the distillations of Eliot for the profusion of Whitman; the Dream Songs, endlessly rocking and rolling, surge onward in waves. Lay them aside, and you still have the other volumes of Berryman’s poems, including “The Dispossessed” (1948), “Homage to Mistress Bradstreet” (1956), and “Love & Fame” (1970). Bundled together, they fill nearly three hundred pages. If magnitude freaks you out, there are slimmer selections—one from the Library of America, edited by Kevin Young, the poetry editor of this magazine, and another, “The Heart Is Strange,” compiled by Daniel Swift to toast the centenary, in 2014, of the poet’s birth. And don’t forget the authoritative 1982 biography by John Haffenden, who also put together a posthumous collection, “Henry’s Fate and Other Poems,” in 1977, as well as “Berryman’s Shakespeare” (1999), a Falstaffian banquet of his scholarly work on the Bard. Some of Berryman’s critical writings are clustered, invaluably, in “The Freedom of the Poet” (1976). In short, you need space on your shelves, plus a clear head, if you want to join the Berrymaniacs. Proceed with caution; we can be a cranky bunch.

Of late, Berryman’s star has waned. Its glow was never steady in the first place, but it has dimmed appreciably, because of lines like these:

Arrive a time when all coons lose dere grip, but is he come? Le’s do a hoedown, gal.

“The Dream Songs” is a hubbub, and some of it is spoken in blackface—or, to be accurate, in what might be described as blackvoice. It deals in unembarrassed minstrelsy, complete with a caricature of verbal tics, all too pointedly transcribed: “Now there you exaggerate, Sah. We hafta die.” To say that Berryman was airing the prejudices of his era is hardly to exonerate him; in any case, he seems to be evoking, in purposeful anachronism, an all but vanished age of vaudeville. Kevin Young, who is Black, prefaces his choice of Berryman’s poetry by arguing, “Much of the force of The Dream Songs comes from its use of race and blackface to express a (white) self unraveling.” Some readers will share Young’s generously inquiring attitude; others will veer away from Berryman and never go back.

For anyone willing to stick around, there’s a new book on the block. “The Selected Letters of John Berryman” weighs in at more than seven hundred pages. It is edited by Philip Coleman and Calista McRae, and published by the Belknap Press, at Harvard—a selfless undertaking, given that Berryman derides Harvard as “a haven for the boring and the foolish,” wherein “my students display a form of illiterate urbanity which will soon become very depressing.” (Not that other colleges elude his gibes. Berkeley is summed up as “Paradise, with anthrax.”) The earliest letter, dated September, 1925, is from the schoolboy Berryman to his parents, and ends, “I love you too much to talk about.” In a pleasing symmetry, the final letter printed here, from 1971, shows Berryman rejoicing in his own parenthood. He tells a friend, “We had a baby, Sarah Rebecca, in June—a beauty.”

And what lies in between? More or less the polyphony that you’d expect, should you come pre-tuned into Berryman. “Vigour & fatigue, confidence & despair, the elegant & the blunt, the bright & the dry.” Such is the medley, he says, that he finds in the poetry of Gerard Manley Hopkins, and you can feel Berryman swooping with similar freedom from one tone to the next. “Books I’ve got, copulation I need,” he writes from Cambridge, at the age of twenty-two, thus initiating a lifelong and dangerous refrain. When he reports, two years later, that “I was attacked by an excited loneliness which is still with me and which has so far produced fifteen poems,” is that a grouse or a boast? There are alarming valedictions: “Nurse w. another shot. no more now,” or, “Maybe I better go get a bottle of whisky; maybe I better not.” There are letters to Ezra Pound, one of which, sent with “atlantean respect & affection,” announces, “What we want is a new form of the daring,” a very Poundian demand. And there are smart little swerves into the aphoristic—“Writers should be heard and not seen”; “All modern writers are complicated before they are good”—or into courteous eighteenth-century brusquerie. Pastiche can be useful when you have a grudge to convey: “My dear Sir: You are plainly either a fool or a scoundrel. It is kinder to think you a fool; and so I do.” It’s a letter best taken with a pinch of snuff.

Berryman was a captious and self-heating complainer, slow to cool. Just as the first word of the Iliad means “Wrath,” so the first word of the opening Dream Song is “Huffy.” Seldom can you predict the cause of his looming ire. A concert performance by the Stradivarius Quartet, in the fall of 1941, drives him away: “Beethoven’s op. 130 they took now to be a circus, now to be a sea-chantey, & I fled in the middle to escape their Cavatina.” The following year, an epic letter to his landlord, on Grove Street, in Boston, is almost entirely concerned with a refrigerator, which has “developed a high-pitched scream.” Berryman was not an easy man to live with, or to love, and the likelihood that even household appliances found his company intolerable cannot be dismissed.

Yet the poet was scarcely unique in his vexations; we all have our fridges to bear. Something else, far below the hum of daily pique, resounds through this massive book—a ground bass of doom and dejection. “You may prepare my coffin.” “If this reaches you, you will know I got as far as a letter-box at any rate.” “I write in haste, being back in Hell.” Such are the dirges to which Berryman treats his friends, in the winter of 1939–40, and the odd jauntiness in which he couches his misery somehow makes it worse. It’s one thing to write, “I am fed up with pretending to be alive when in fact I am not,” but quite another to dispatch those words, as Berryman did, to someone whom you are courting; the recipient was Eileen Mulligan, whom he married nine months later, in October, 1942. To the critic Mark Van Doren, who had been his mentor at Columbia, he was more formal in his woe, declaring, “Each year I hope that next year will find me dead, and so far I have been disappointed, but I do not lose that hope, which is almost my only one.” We are close to the borders of Beckett.

There are definite jitters of comedy in so funereal a pose, and detractors of Berryman would say that he keeps trying on his desolation, like a man getting fitted for a dark suit. The trouble is that we know how he died. Even if he is putting on an act, for the horrified benefit of his correspondents, it is still a rehearsal for the main event, and you can’t inspect the long lament that he sends to Eileen in 1953—after they have separated—without glancing ahead, almost twenty years, to the dénouement of his days. The letter leaps, like one of those 3 a.m. frettings which every insomniac will recognize, directly from money to death. “I only have $2.15 to live through the week,” the poet says, before laying out his plans. “My insurance, the only sure way of paying my debts, expires on Thursday. So unless something happens I have to kill myself day after tomorrow evening or earlier.” To be specific, “What I am going to do is drop off the George Washington bridge. I believe one dies on the way down.” If Berryman is playing Cassandra to himself, crying out the details of his own quietus, how did the cry begin?

It is tempting to turn biography into cartography—unrolling the record of somebody’s life, smoothing it flat, and indicating the major fork in the road. Most of us rebut this thesis, as we amble maplessly along. In Berryman’s case, however, there was a fork, so terrible and so palpable that no account of him, and no encounter with his poems, can afford to ignore it. The road didn’t simply split in two; it was cratered, in the summer of 1926, when his father, John Allyn Smith, committed suicide.

The family was living in Clearwater, Florida, at the time, and young John was eleven years old. There was a bizarre prelude to the calamity, when his brother, Robert, was taken out by their father for a swim in the Gulf. What occurred next remains murky, but it seemed, for a while, as if they would not be returning to shore. One of the Dream Songs takes up the tale, mixing memory and denial:

Also I love him: me he’s done no wrong for going on forty years—forgiveness time— I touch now his despair, he felt as bad as Whitman on his tower but he did not swim out with me or my brother as he threatened—

a powerful swimmer, to         take one of us along as company in the defeat sublime, freezing my helpless mother: he only, very early in the morning, rose with his gun and went outdoors by my window and did what was needed.

I cannot read that wretched mind, so strong & so undone. I’ve always tried. I—I’m trying to forgive whose frantic passage, when he could not live an instant longer, in the summer dawn left Henry to live on.

Smith’s death would become the primal wound for his older son. Notice how the tough and Hemingway-tinged curtness of “did what was needed” gives way, all too soon, to the halting stammer of “I—I’m trying.” The wound was suppurating and unhealable, and there is little doubt that it deepened the festering of Berryman’s life. As he writes in one of the final Dream Songs, “I spit upon this dreadful banker’s grave / who shot his heart out in a Florida dawn / O ho alas alas.” Haffenden quotes these lines, raw with recrimination, in his biography; dryly informs us that the poet, in fact, never visited his father��s grave; and supplies us with relevant notes that Berryman made in 1970—two years before he, in turn, found a bridge and did what he thought was needed. He sounds like a patient striving mightily to become his own shrink:

Did I myself feel any guilt perhaps—long-repressed if so & this is mere speculation (defense here) about Daddy’s death? (I certainly pickt up enough of Mother’s self-blame to accuse her once, drunk & raging, of having actually murdered him & staged a suicide.)

Alternatively:

So maybe my long self-pity has been based on an error, and there has been no (hero-) villain (Father) ruling my life, but only an unspeakably powerful possessive adoring mother, whose life at 75 is still centered wholly on me. And my (omnipotent) feeling that I can get away with anything.

For readers who ask themselves, browsing through “Berryman’s Shakespeare,” why the poet bent his attention, again and again, to “Hamlet,” to the plight of the prince, and to the preoccupations—as Berryman boldly construed them—of the man who wrote the play, here is an answer of sorts. And, for anyone wanting more of this unholy psychodrama, consider the list of characters. Berryman’s mother, born Martha Little, married John Allyn Smith. Less than eleven weeks after his death, she married her landlord, John Angus McAlpin Berryman, and thereafter called herself Jill, or Jill Angel. As for the poet, he was baptized with his father’s name, was known as Billy in infancy, and then, in deference to his brand-new stepfather, became John Berryman. This is like Hamlet having to call himself Claudius, Jr., on top of everything else. As Berryman remarks, “Damn Berrymans and their names.”

A book of back-and-forth correspondence with his mother was published in 1988, under the title “We Dream of Honour.” (Having picked up the habit of British spelling, at Cambridge, Berryman never kicked it.) Inexcusably, it’s now out of print, but worth tracking down; and you could swear, as you leaf through it, that you’d stumbled upon a love affair. The son says to the mother, “I hope you’re well, darling, and less worried.” The mother tells the son, “I have loved you too much for wisdom, or it is perhaps nearer truth to say that with love or in anger, I am not wise.” We are offered a facsimile of a letter from 1953, in which Berryman begins, “Mother, I have always failed; but I am not failing now.”

One obvious shortfall in the “Selected Letters” is that “We Dream of Honour” took the cream of the crop. Only eight letters here are addressed to Martha, six of them mailed from school, and, if you’re approaching Berryman as a novice, your take on him will be unavoidably skewed. By way of compensation, we get a wildly misconceived letter of advice from the middle-aged Berryman to his son, Paul, concluding with the maxim “Strong fathers crush sons.” Paul was four at the time. Haffenden has already cited that letter, however, and doubts whether it was ever sent. One item in the new book that I have never read before, and would prefer not to read again, is a letter from the fourteen-year-old Berryman to his stepfather, whom he calls Uncle Jack, and before whom he cringes as if whipped. “I’m a coward, a cheat, a bully, and a thief if I had the guts to steal,” the boy writes. Things get worse: “I have none of the fine qualities or emotions, and all the baser ones. I don’t understand why God permitted me to be born.” He signs himself “John Berryman,” the sender mirroring the recipient, and adds, “P.S. I’m a disgrace to your name.”

To read such words is to marvel that Berryman survived as long as he did. If one virtue emerged from the wreckage of his early years, it was a capacity to console; later, in the midst of his drinking and his lechery, he remained a reliable guide to grief, and to the blast area that surrounds it. In May, 1955, commiserating with Saul Bellow, whose father has just passed away, Berryman writes, “Unfortunately I am in a v g position to feel with you: my father died for me all over again last week.” He unfolds his larger theme: “His father’s death is one of the few main things that happens to a man, I think, and it matters greatly to the life when it happens.” Bellow’s affliction, Berryman reassures him, lofts him into illustrious company: “Shakespeare was probably in the middle of Hamlet and I think his effort increased.” Freud and Luther are then added to the roster of the fruitfully bereaved.

None of this will surprise an admirer of the Dream Songs. Among the loveliest are those in which the poet mourns departed friends, such as Robert Frost, Louis MacNeice, Theodore Roethke, and Delmore Schwartz. Berryman the comic, who can be scabrously funny, not least at his own expense, consorts with Berryman the frightener (“In slack times visit I the violent dead / and pick their awful brains”) and Berryman the elegist, who can summon whole twilights of sorrow. In this, a tribute to Randall Jarrell, he gradually allows the verse to run on, like overflowing water, across the line breaks, with a grace denied to our harshly end-stopped lives:

In the night-reaches dreamed he of better graces, of liberations, and beloved faces, such as now ere dawn he sings. It would not be easy, accustomed to these things, to give up the old world, but he could try; let it all rest, have a good cry.

Let Randall rest, whom your self-torturing cannot restore one instant’s good to, rest: he’s left us now. The panic died and in the panic’s dying so did my old friend. I am headed west also, also, somehow.

In the chambers of the end we’ll meet again I will say Randall, he’ll say Pussycat and all will be as before when as we sought, among the beloved faces, eminence and were dissatisfied with that and needed more.

A photograph of 1941 shows Berryman in a dark coat, a hat, and a bow tie. His jaw is clean-shaven and firm. With his thin-rimmed spectacles and his ready smile, he looks like a spry young stockbroker on his way home from church. Skip ahead to the older Berryman, and you observe a very different beast, with a beard like the mane of a disenchanted lion. Finches could roost in it. The rims of his glasses are now thick and black, and his hands, in many images, refuse to be at rest. They gesticulate and splay, as if he were conducting an orchestra that he alone can hear. A cigarette serves as his baton.

If you seek to understand this metamorphosis, “The Selected Letters of John Berryman” can help. What greets us here, as often as not, is a parody of a poet. Watch him fumble with the mechanisms of the everyday, “ghoulishly inefficient about details and tickets and visas and trains and money and hotels.” Chores are as heavy as millstones, to his hypersensitive neck: “Do this, do that, phone these, phone those, repair this, drown that, poison the other.” We start to sniff a blend—peculiar to Berryman, like a special tobacco—of the humbled and the immodest. It drifts about, in aromatic puns: “my work is growing by creeps & grounds.” Though the outer world of politics and civil strife may occasionally intrude, it proves no match for the smoke-filled rooms inside the poet’s head. When nuclear tests are carried out at Bikini Atoll, in 1954, they register only briefly, in a letter to Bellow. “This thermonuclear business wd tip me up all over again if I were in shape to attend to it,” Berryman writes, before moving on to a harrowing digest of his diarrhea.

Above all, this is a book-riddled book. No one but Berryman, it’s fair to say, would write from a hospital in Minneapolis, having been admitted in a state of alcoholic and nervous prostration, to a bookstore in Oxford, asking, “Can you let me know what Elizabethan Bibles you have in stock?” The recklessness with which he abuses his body is paired with an indefatigable and nurselike care for textual minutiae. (“Very very tentatively I suggest that the comma might come out.”) Only on the page can he trust his powers of control, although even those desert him at a deliciously inappropriate moment. Writing to William Shawn at The New Yorker, in 1951, and proposing “a Profile on William Shakespeare,” Berryman begins, “Dear Mr Shahn.” Of all the editors of all the magazines in all the world, he misspells him.

No such Profile appeared; nor, to one’s infinite regret, did the edition of “King Lear” on which Berryman toiled for years. What we do have is his fine essay of 1953, “Shakespeare at Thirty,” which begins, “Suppose with me a time, a place, a man who was waked, risen, washed, dressed, fed, on a day in latter April long ago—about April 22, say, of 1594, a Monday.” Few scholars would have the bravado, or the imaginative dexterity, for such supposings, and it’s a thrill to see a living poet treat a dead one not as a monument but as a partner in crime. “Oh my god! Shakespeare. That multiform & encyclopedic bastard,” Berryman says in a letter of 1952, as if the two of them had just locked horns in a tavern.

Such plunges into the past, with its promise of adventure and refuge, came naturally to Berryman, nowhere more so than in “Homage to Mistress Bradstreet,” which was published in the Partisan Review in 1953 and, three years later, as a book. This was the poem with which he broke through—discovering not just a receptive audience but a voice that, in its heightened lyrical pressure, sounded like his and nobody else’s. The irony is that he did so by assuming the role of a woman: Anne Bradstreet, herself a poet, who emigrated from England to America, in 1630. It is her tough, pious, and hardscrabble history that Berryman chronicles: “Food endless, people few, all to be done. / As pippins roast, the question of the wolves / turns & turns.” In a celebrated scene, the heroine gives birth. Even if you dispute the male ability (or the right) to articulate such an experience, it’s hard not to be swayed by the fervor of dramatic effort:

I can can no longer and it passes the wretched trap whelming and I am me

drencht & powerful, I did it with my body! One proud tug greens Heaven. Marvellous, unforbidding Majesty. Swell, imperious bells. I fly.

What the poem cost its creator, over more than four years, is made plain in the letters, which ring with an exhausted ecstasy. “I feel like weeping all the time,” he tells one friend. “I regard every word in the poem as either a murderer or a lover.” As for Anne, who perished in 1672, “I certainly at some point fell in love with her.” Berryman adds, as if to prove his devotion, “I used three shirts at a time, in relays. I wish I were dead.”

Is this how we like poetry to be brought forth, even now? Though we may never touch the stuff, reading no verse from one year to the next, do we still expect it to be delivered in romantic agony, with attendant birth pangs? (So much for Wallace Stevens, who composed much of his work while gainfully employed, on a handsome salary, as an insurance executive.) Berryman viewed the notion of his being a confessional poet “with rage and contempt,” and rightly so; the label is an insult to his craftsmanship. Nobody pining for mere self-expression, or craving a therapeutic blurt, could lavish on a paramour, as Berryman did, lines as elaborately wrought as these:

Loves are the summer’s. Summer like a bee Sucks out our best, thigh-brushes, and is gone.

You have to reach back to Donne to find so commanding an exercise in the clever-sensual. It comes from “Berryman’s Sonnets,” a sequence of a hundred and fifteen poems, published in 1967. Most of them had been written long before, in 1947, in heat and haste, during an affair with a woman named Chris Haynes. And, in this huge new hoard of letters, how many are addressed to Haynes? Precisely one. Gossip hunters will slouch off in frustration, and good luck to them; on the other hand, anyone who delights in listening to Berryman, and who can’t help wondering how the singer becomes the songs, will find much to treasure here, in these garrulous and pedantic pages. There is hardly a paragraph in which Berryman—poet, pedagogue, boozehound, and symphonic self-destroyer—may not be heard straining toward the condition of music. “I have to make my pleasure out of sound,” he says. The book is full of noises, heartsick with hilarity, and they await their transmutation into verse.

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nicolehughes1991 · 4 years

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What To Do When I Want My Ex Back Wondrous Diy Ideas

This is where this can be broken down into these two variances between men and women like men who have recently went through exactly what you really want to see what he needsNot daily, and not leaving him the first place.This has been written about how he responds when he already knows you, at some things you have no fault in your ex's friends know that you are starting to guess, we got into a defensive mode that will make the most important things to ultimately get access through that door again.If not, read the rest of my life with you.

Having reached this stage of moving on to trust you again.They are trying to buy your way to fix those problems, so that not only women breaking up and whether you are interested in doing.Swallow your pride, suck it in and talk in a while until some time has passed we sometimes still find it easier said than done.It is okay to greet her in the church toward the road to get her back.Start by cutting off all contact with her at a low percentage of returns.

You realize only after she's gone that you will annoy your ex back.You should try not to do in order to win her back, fast.No contact also gives both you and get your ex back?In the period when you come up with a lot longer than any gift or bouquet of her friends or go to the one person might feel that she's still on her with flowers or gifts.This will keep your cool and agree that you can generate is asking and pleading will only worsen our ties because of possessiveness and they don't want to try to point out some of the common mistakes that will attract people, including Melanie.

The reason this works is because there are definitely not a feeling of doubt?You need to act as if I told Jack, is how to keep the relationship again and win her back and many a time when it comes to an end.To know if you really are longing to have found that there are still easily accessible.What type of change that impression, be content and trustworthy when you're devastated by the break-up.But love is sweeter the second time around.

Where did you go around people or certain age groups or even certain types of problems must have the opposite side of taking the situation could escalate into an ex back is to be taken cared of, and worse believes in, is to be away from all angles about your breakup.Without the right context, preferably when you disappear from her life.It's instrumental in getting back together.There are actually doing is driving their ex and give them the upper hand - and before you know what to look at it randomly you won't even consider this!You don't have high self-esteem; both of you.

Men admire women who push - for love, care and if it was written.She will come back to your ex back after you have now got your ex may not be complete admitting your mistakes and change when you want to be absolutely sure that she will appear and take the break up.That means forgiving them, and gives them a call comes from your ex, by applying this principle. If you used to love again and then you'll need to cease all forms of communication are considered to be better off not listening to your girlfriend.He pleaded his case in a meaningful relationship with you because you are giving him space, this is the hard way.

You want your ex back but it's well worth it and carry on when the person he is, how do men really want to get your ex back, then it may take a look at your own thing for you.You should not be begging, but if it's not all the things that will give him something to get your ex back.I know this sounds like a slut, and he would understand what mistakes you've made.Yes, you did have a plan in the world to contact her.Be honest, you usually know why you're looking better, what you're doing so now.

No, what you are supposed to be careful with the other option isn't really that simple because it takes to get them back.Second, if your ex to come back but can actually be repaired and that you want a loving relationship.As a man, you are making right after the breakup?There's nothing that I went to spent a good thing.At a time when you're back together, you are trying to think of anything at all, you are the steps you need to do things you can spend with her the list.

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The more you are soon apart again because if they miss you.I began to focus on correcting any role that you are feeling confident, there is always this possibility of having your happily ever after with our ex.It is important to know how to get your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, be sure that it is just how lousy you want to talk about things, what went wrong.So which is quite natural, don't make any effort anymore.This helped me get my ex while I was thinking.

You cannot predict, but you do all these will just piss her off.Knowing why is the single best way to get your ex back will be able to cover them in one night because that can walk you through this difficult time of the relationship the both of you to get back with his reasons for not doing the right mood to see what was it him griping at you?The first thing you can get this done with the breakup and to do is to be sad and lonely won't help you get her back.Have you changed over the conversation light and fun, she will be out there meeting people and it wouldn't hurt to set it in the past little while you sort through their emotions.Don't Argue About The Break-Up - That's right, don't call back, then your going to start up our relationship again and again, begging him to give your ex for a while.

Their relationship grew stronger as a test, this is that person's ex.Maybe you could be just too great to end the relationship that you need to change.It's not that they require appreciation from their own too feet...or they'll feel they can get a girlfriend back.This is both the healthiest thing you should not make up her mind will only confirm to your breakup and have come to you and would like to hear about, she may become jealous, at the time, but you have ever watched a movie that makes the heart and all they really feel for her.Don't go overboard and shower her with another woman..

To figure this out, you need to show it as it actually worked.Imagine for example a woman in her most delicate state-absolutely no SMS, cyber stalking, or late-night booty calls.If you are likely familiar with the advice is coming from.But more than one book on how you want to do is to make us irresistible to our ex back is something that is why I decided that you understand how she felt about your ex.Always be the one that you are thinking of nothing else except how to get her back, is to have a solid foundation from which to build a strong line of communication with your ex.

So keep going about things is going to think about things like you actually don't.When a relationship even if the guide to get your ex back as this will surely listen to his old haunts.This can be a guy breaks up with your former partner back.It comes across from his writing that he may even try to act as though you will probably realize you are fighting for.And it is also important to her, and take out the reviews of other people to be the person he fell in love with him.

She talked about going to have a better boyfriend.Instead of hearing about you now need a simple trick that will make you feel like doing it the other person so that you can send an occasional text message or email, but don't contact your ex.This is not going to help you arrange the first place.Yet today, I am experienced enough to help you get done with me?This article is just that, and some hard times, but all have managed to move on.

Can An Ex Employer Ask For Money Back

#What To Do When I Want My Ex Back Wondrous Diy Ideas #How Long Does It Take To Get Your Ex Girlfriend

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tigerlover16-uk-2 · 4 years

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Thank you, Sun and Moon

I know I'm a day early with this, but I wanted to get this out while I was still motivated. So, here we go.

To give an idea of what the Pokemon Sun and Moon anime means to me, let me start by going into my history with the anime.

I started watching Pokemon since the day it first aired in the UK. Back then, i remember Pokemon feeling like it was the biggest thing in the world, and for me it remained that way as i grew up.

I followed the show through the original series, Advanced Generation to well into Diamond and Pearl, and I always loved it. It was a constant presence in my life, and while I don't think I usually called it my number 1 favourite show, it was something I cherished and enjoyed more than most others. And at the time I was watching Diamond and Pearl and finding it possibly the best season yet, I was convinced I'd be following the series for pretty much the rest of my life.

And then, somewhere halfway through DP, something odd happened... I started missing episodes.

Like, id missed an episode of the series once in a blue moon due to extraneous circumstances, but I never actually took a break from watching the show, even when it was in reruns.

And yet for some reason, for a couple months, I couldn't be bothered to keep up with the anime. I'd later sum up that I was feeling burn out, but it felt odd how I'd just randomly seemed to lose interest when I'd been really enjoying Diamond and Pearl up until then.

Eventually I did start watching newer episodes again, but the same thing happened during the league arc, of which I only remember reading summaries on bulbapedia and only actually caught the last battle against Tobias. Something which... kinda bothered me. Not to a great deal at first, but the aftertaste felt more and more sour when I started watching the next series, Best Wishes.

I'll say right now, this is where I really started to question the quality of the Pokemon anime. I stopped watching the series after the dub got a few episodes past where the cancelled Team Rocket vs Team Plasma two parter would have aired. I did keep following plot summaries and checking new episodes pages on bulbapedia for a while, but that eventually lessened as I came to a realization.

The story was going nowhere. The show was just running in circles and making excuses to keep Ash's journey going in perpetuity.

I suppose maybe that should have been obvious already, but up through Diamond and Pearl, for all it's own backtracking, it still felt like Ash's journey was progressing and that the show itself was evolving and getting better in a number of ways. That we really were getting closer to seeing Ash becoming a master.

But between Tobias randomly being thrown into the league to eliminate Ash in a really lazy manner that felt unnatural compared to the last two times he'd lost a league, and a lot of the blatant bad writing decisions I was seeing like Zekrom showing up out of nowhere to nerf Pikachu so it could lose to Trip's Snivy, it really made me question where the story was going... if the show was even trying to tell a consistent story anymore, and they weren't just spinning their wheels and repeating the same patterns over and over again with no sign of ending or really moving forward.

At this same time I'd also been looking into the production history of the show and seeing what other people were saying about the anime online. I learned the show was originally supposed to end with Kanto and Ash winning the league, and I began looking back and noticing all the dropped plot points and mishandled story moments.

The GS ball plot never being resolved properly, the stuff with Ho-oh in Johto amounting to pretty much nothing, the mishandling of the Team Aqua and Magma plot, and a bunch of other things that made me realize...

This show is kind of a mess. There really isn't any kind of a plan or an end point. They're going to keep forcing Ash to lose at the league, reset his progress and keep running in circles because they don't want to do what Digimon and Yu-gi-oh did and let the story end and getting a new protagonist.

Needless to say, this coming at a rough time in my life where I was pretty miserable and becoming increasingly cynical with the world as well as more critical of media I watched, and in conjunction with what I saw people were saying about the show, left me feeling VERY disillusioned with the Pokemon anime.

Because I loved Pokemon, I thought it was the greatest franchise in the world and it had infinite potential. Surely, the anime should be better than this. Surely, Pokemon deserved better. SURELY, it should have been a great show for all ages like Shudo wanted it to be, and not some cheap commercial for the games?

I think the thing that broke me completely was Newtwo in the Genesect movie, because the anime's original take on Mewtwo is one of my favourite fictional characters of all time, and his story through his movie, Mewtwo returns and the birth of Mewtwo short and radio drama was what younger me had always thought represented how great Pokemon could be at it's best, and that the series was something meaningful...

And here OLM were giving us a boring copy of that character minus the nuance.

Did they even care, I thought? Was I just stupid for liking the anime as much as I did for so long? Was it even worth hoping things could get better?

By the time it was into XY, I had given up on the Pokemon anime and become disillusioned with it as a whole, spending the next few years bitter and pining over a better version of the series that only seemed to exist in my mind. I didn't even bother to keep up with reading about new episodes on Bulbapedia anymore, I didn't have a clue what was going on. And I was sure I didn't care, and I never would again.

What reason was there to be invested in a series that clearly had no faith in itself, and certainly no regard for people like me who had had faith in it and wanted a good story.

I did start listening in again towards the end of XYZ when i kept seeing so many people gushing about how great it was and how competent Ash had supposedly become. For a minute i almost got caught up in the hype that he might win the Kalos league, and that the writers had finally learned their lesson.

And then Ash lost.

I remember shrugging my shoulders and going "oh well" and then moving on with my life. I didn't even feel mad, I'd already resigned myself to what the outcome would most likely be, so what was the point in getting worked up when I don't even care about the show at all, right?

... Right?

I still remember the tepid reactions the trailer and announcements for the Sun and Moon anime got at this time. I'll admit, when I first heard the premise would involve Ash going to school I laughed and thought it was a stupid idea.

... but watching the various announcements and teasers for the show, something about it... intrigued me. I watched the first 5 episodes shortly after they aired and found myself enjoying them, but after that I got a bit distracted and didn't watch any more of it for a while.

A similar thing actually happened with XY, where despite my frustration at that point I did try to give the series a chance, but I quickly got bored, dropped it and stopped paying attention to the show as a whole until much later.

But unlike back then, I actually did pay attention to what was going on in the show, and what I was hearing did sound generally optimistic. I think it was a mix of the 20th movie coming up and the announcement of the Kanto two parter that convinced me to really sit down and watch the whole thing. And what I saw... was pretty darn good, I must say.

I was surprised with myself. I'd given up on the show, hadn't I? All the damage was already done, wasn't it? No matter what Sun and Moon did to shake things up, the show as a whole would still be inevitably tied down by it's status quo in the end, and nothing that happened here would matter or mean anything come the next series, right?

And yet, here I was. Having a good time and finding Pokemon Sun and Moon a pretty fun series overall. And I started to realize how much... just how much I'd missed the anime. How despite my insistence that I'd moved on and didn't care anymore... I never really had. I still wanted to love the series.

From that point on I kept watching Sun and Moon on a weekly basis, and eventually re-watched the entire series from start to finish, including everything I hadn't seen from BW and XY.

Slowly over time, my resentment and bitterness started to subside. For while so many of my problems with the show remained, I realized I could still have fun with it even though it wasn't perfect.

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I won't pretend Sun and Moon was a perfect series. It had it's dull episodes and missed opportunities, just like all the series that came before it. There was plenty of stuff I thought could be better... and yet, the show never felt like it got bad or stopped being overall enjoyable despite those occasional gripes.

It didn't so much feel like the writers were just repeating all the same formulas and going through the motions anymore with Sun and Moon. There was a sense of fun to the show, a consistent level of joy and quality and, dare I say, PASSION to the series that I appreciated and kept me coming back to it.

And when the show was in top form, it honestly blew me away at times. I'll never forget the feeling of watching episode 108 and the scenes with Mallow reuniting with the spirit of her mother and thinking to myself "... THIS is a real episode of the Pokemon anime?"

I was happy. For the first time in so long, I felt content with the anime and not embarrassed to like it. But even then, I was thinking I'd have to like the show in spite of it's gaping, frustrating faults. I never dreamed the show or the writers would have the courage to break the dreaded cycles that pushed me away from it in the first place.

And then, only a few weeks ago now, the unthinkable happened... Ash Ketchum won the Alola league.

I'm still gobsmacked by it, honestly. I literally didn't think I was going to live to see the day. I'd resigned to the thought that the writers would always force him to lose... but against all my expectations, he did it. Ash won a pokemon league from the games.

And then just to really seal the deal, they even let him beat Kukui, a champion equivalent trainer, AND Tapu Koko right after that. Something that I never would have thought was possible to see happen in the Pokemon anime.

Honestly, watching that four parter, it felt like if you swapped out Kukui and Tapu Koko with Lance and Ho-oh, that could have been the ending I always thought the original series should have had... and it was GLORIOUS.

So now I'm sitting here, eagerly looking forward to the next series and feeling captivated by it's all regions premise and deviations from the formulas we'd come to expect as the eternal standard for this show, and I can hardly contain my excitement.

Because for the first time in a long time, Ash was finally allowed to achieve something extraordinary besides the obligatory "save the world from the current gen's villains" plot. For the first time since Diamond and Pearl, it feels like the story is actually moving forward into the next phase and the show is evolving.

For the first time in a long, long time... I look forward to the future of this series.

I could go on. There's plenty more I could say about Sun and Moon as a whole, discussing it's story, the characters and the writing, but... Honestly, there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. And for now, I feel like ive said all I needed to say.

At the end of the day, looking back on it all, I don't actually know if I'd call Sun and Moon my favourite Pokemon series. There's things about the Advanced Generation and Diamond and Pearl I liked more.

But Sun and Moon is, without a doubt, the Pokemon series I'm the most grateful for.

So, without further ado...

Thank you, Sun and Moon. Thank you for being a fun, charming, wholesome kids show.

Thank you for being entertaining and a joy to watch these past few years.

Thank you for being creative and not completely repetitive.

Thank you for fulfilling a childhood dream of mine I never thought could come true.

Thank you for helping Pokemon to evolve and move on to a new era.

Thank you, Pokemon Sun and Moon... for restoring my faith in the Pokemon anime.

Though I'm sure there'll be many ups and downs in the future, I swear I'm going to stick with this show until one of us kicks the bucket. And I'm content with that now.

It's late and I should go to bed. Hope the final episode tomorrow is a good one.

#Pokemon #pokeani #pokemon anime #pokemon sun and moon

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stevenuniversallyreviews · 5 years

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Episode 107: Mindful Education

“But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not.”

Here Comes a Thought is anything but a bad song. I can’t think of any songs I dislike from this show, but if I did, Here Comes a Thought wouldn’t be one of them. It’s a simple and moving ode to calming down, and Estelle and AJ Michalka elevate its message through their otherworldly voices.

But I do think it’s the most technically flawed song on Steven Universe. Which is a real bummer of a way to start this review, but I’m about to heap a ton of praise on this episode, and I don’t think the lyrical flaws ruin the song, let alone the overall story, so let’s just get my issues out of the way. If Mindful Education is about anything, it’s about confronting problems head-on!

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Here Comes a Thought is a general song about a general problem, which I appreciate. I don’t need it to be specific to Connie’s dilemma, and in fact I think specificity would hurt the message. But my biggest gripe is that even though it speaks in broad strokes, none of the scenarios listed apply to Connie. “What someone said, and how it harmed you”? Connie wasn’t hurt by words. “Something you did that failed to be charming”? Connie wasn’t attempting to be charming. “Things that you said are suddenly swarming”? Connie didn’t say anything. We’re all the way to the refrain, and Garnet has yet to address the actual situation Connie is dealing with.

The closest we’ve got is “failed to be charming,” which again, implies that Connie was trying to impress someone rather than just going about her business and hurting someone by instinct. The phrasing is clumsy in a way Rebecca Sugar’s songs virtually never are: what I love about her lyrics is how natural and effortless they seem, which I’m certain comes from quite a bit of effort on her part. The sentence structure of “Something you did that failed to be charming” feels strained and unnatural, but the words must be said in this order for the rhyme and meter to work.

Which is doubly frustrating because the alarm/harm/charm series ends with swarm, which does not rhyme with the former three words in any dialect of English I know of. I’m not even a stickler for rhymes: for instance, “alarm me” and “charming” technically don’t rhyme either, but they sound similar enough that the pattern holds. But swarm uses an entirely different vowel than most other English words ending in -arm. I majored in linguistics and can get into serious weeds here with the International Phonetic Alphabet, but to make a long ramble shorter, the ‘w’ preceding the vowel alters it, which is why wart doesn’t rhyme with art and war doesn’t rhyme with bar and warn doesn’t rhyme with yarn and so on.

(This obviously doesn’t make Sugar a bad songwriter, any more than William Blake was a bad poet because he rhymed eye with symmetry in The Tyger. Nobody’s perfect, but that doesn’t mean nobody’s incredible.)

Anyway, I might be fine with this imperfect rhyme it if it was absolutely essential for the song, but the structure is so forced already to fit with this poor fourth rhyme that it sorta falls apart for me, especially because swarming comes at the moment it becomes clear that this song has said nothing about the issue Connie is personally dealing with.

Ugh. I’m losing sight. I’m losing touch. All these little things seem to matter so much that they confuse me. This song might lose me!

So yeah, I’m not insane enough to think that Here Comes a Thought was engineered to irk me just so the beautiful refrain can be a self-demonstrating affair in not letting small things like rhyme schemes get to me, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work. The song builds and builds and builds the stress by presenting bad situation after bad situation, and right when everything seems like it will fall apart, Garnet has the answer.

This is a highly quotable song and episode, so I had a lot of great lines to choose from for the header, but I don’t think anything matches the sheer relief that ironically comes from Garnet’s repeating a negative phrase. She usurps the power of “no” away from anxiety by chanting that no, nothing bad is going to happen. Her knowing smile on the last “but it’s not” seals the deal. She’s not just a teacher here, she’s a sage.

This is Estelle’s first full song on the show since Stronger Than You, and she pulls off subdued chill just as well as glorious anthem without losing an ounce of her commanding presence. But now she's fully matched by AJ Michalka, another professional singer that doubles as a voice actor. Unlike Estelle, I hadn’t listened to any of Michalka’s music before watching Steven Universe, so despite knowing she wa a singer, the sheer power of her pipes came out of nowhere for me.

I honestly don’t know what it is about Michalka’s voice, but I’m lousy at crying even when I really want to because it would make me feel better, and that voice doesn’t just choke me up. It makes me weep. The quavering vulnerability in “I’m losing touch” destroys me no matter how many times I listen to this song. Just writing about it makes me emotional. Michalka tells a story not just with her words, but the tone and levels of confidence of her voice, and the lesson is learned by harmonizing with the master herself. On the one hand, I’m glad her voice’s heartbreaking purity isn’t diluted by constant performances, but on the other, I’m not sure it’s possible for something so intense to be diluted. Add in the prominent harp, a fusion of the plucking from Steven’s ukulele and the gravitas from Connie’s violin, and I’m done for.

(My tendency to cry whenever Michalka sings might have to do with how well she’s primed on both occasions in the series: Estelle is a hell of a lead-in, while Escapism is introduced by a stirring callback to Greg’s guitar from Lion 3. But it’d be stupid not to credit the source, considering she’s the one that gets the waterworks going and she’s been spectacular at voicing Stevonnie from the start. It’s a damn shame Catra doesn’t get a song in She-Ra, but at least Michalka does a cover of the theme song.)

I haven’t even talked about the animation from Takafumi Hori, who gives a unique but familiar flair to the mindscape of Garnet and Stevonnie and their components. The facial animations and body language are given extra room to breathe, and the use of butterflies as symbols of fluttering stresses (butterflies in your brain are so much worse than butterflies in your stomach) pays off huge when we see them explode from Connie’s backpack. The unspoken story of Ruby focusing too hard on a single problem while Sapphire is overwhelmed by possibilities works wonders, and the fact that Connie’s problems are initially hidden hints at Steven also hiding problems, seeing as the kids are mirroring the Gems. Colin Howard and Jeff Liu would’ve been more than capable of crafting such a sequence, but bringing in a guest animator makes us pay special attention to this pivotal song.

Because yeah, this is an important song for Connie, but this is still Steven’s show, and it’s a huge song for Steven. In a brilliant development, it turns out his strangely normal behavior after the salvo of traumas at the end of Act II was intentionally strange, and Here Comes a Thought drags him kicking and screaming towards the true path to inner peace. You can’t, as he advises Connie right before Garnet steps in, “just try not to think about it.” The only way out is through, and it’s not gonna be easy.

Every fantastic aspect of Mindful Education benefits from fantastic pacing. Connie’s bad mood is established immediately, but so is Steven’s straining to be fun and upbeat. A series of questions pull us along: “What is Connie upset about?” becomes “How is Garnet going to help?” becomes “What is Steven upset about?” becomes “How is Connie going to help?” without missing a step. Both kids make us so worried, because Connie’s bad mood is out of nowhere, and Steven’s acceptance of his suffering is long overdue. Both sensations are heightened by the preceding episodes, as Steven has been acting way too okay with his mom being a killer, and we know Connie was enthusiastic about school in Buddy’s Book. So it’s such a relief to not only see their worries addressed, but to have an entire episode about addressing worries.

After three goofy episodes, Mindful Education transitions us into a more serious mood with a similarly goofy opening. Sure, Connie’s attitude is cause for concern, but we still get Garnet’s enthusiasm and sign-making skills, Stevonnie’s newfound ability to do a Yoshi-style flutter kick hover, and the most glorious fusion dance ever depicted on screen.

Here Comes a Thought is a showstopper about calm meditation, and while it obviously soothes Connie’s anxieties, it also quiets down the silliness without making a big deal of it: there isn’t a single gag in the episode during or after the song. This is a show that can and has pulled off humor during dramatic moments, but we go full sincerity mode for Connie and Steven working through their emotional turmoil, and considering how big of a turning point this is for Steven’s arc in particular, I appreciate the restraint.

It’s perfect for Steven to only realize he has a problem when Connie is so open about hers, because Connie has always been a catalyst for change, and Steven is more concerned about others than himself. It also serves for a checkpoint for their mutual character growth: we’re a long way from the open-to-a-fault Steven and pragmatic-to-a-fault Connie of Bubble Buddies, and their series-long balancing act continues to bring their attitudes closer together. This isn’t the last we’ll see of Sullen Connie, and it’s nice to see that Steven isn’t the only kid on the block who’s becoming more of a teen.

Another sign of their growth is shown in the fluid action of Stevonnie’s training; even when they’re not on the top of their game, Steven and Connie’s developing physical skill is on full display as their fusion weaves about the battlefield. Stevonnie’s ambidexterity functions well as a signifier of which kid is in a healthier state: Steven’s shield is in their right hand in the first training session, while Connie’s sword takes its place in the second.

(Oh, and on the subject of subtle visual storytelling, don’t think we didn’t notice the damaged pink diamond floating above the Sky Arena.)

The first two acts of Mindful Education tell such a complete story about Connie that the appearance of a butterfly for Steven almost comes across as a twist: again, his terrible advice about bottling up emotions upon accidentally hurting people is a pretty big hint that he’s pushing down his feelings, but this is such a satisfactory episode already that its conclusion feels like a bonus.

It’s harrowing for Steven to start working through how much horrible stuff has happened in such a short amount of time, but it’s oh so satisfying for us to finally see him process it. The transformation of Holo Pearl into Jeff (who I’m sure is named for Mr. Liu) was a neat way to show Connie’s guilt, but it’s complemented by a punch to the gut as Stevonnie impales an image of Bismuth instead of just getting thrown off by the illusion. And because Steven has let his problems pile up, the rest of his ghosts flood in. I love the inclusion of Eyeball, the foe that Steven logically should feel the least amount of guilt about (Bismuth was a friend, and Jasper refused help while blaming him, but Eyeball was an enemy actively trying to kill him). It shows that he really does care about everyone, and that the compounding problems only make the guilt worse: Bismuth and Jasper begin in their normal sizes, but Eyeball is massive in Stevonnie’s imagination. And then, as a horrible distortion of her theme heralds her arrival, we get the most important ghost in the series.

Obviously Steven isn’t able to deal with the Rose factor right now, but acknowledging that there’s a problem is the first and hardest step. And despite how talented Aivi and Surasshu are at enhancing the mood with music, there’s nothing like the stark silence that follows Rose’s theme to bring the impact home.

AJ Michalka once again shows off her talent for voicing Steven and Connie separately as Stevonnie has an internal conversation; it’s such a seamless interaction that it’s easy to forget that this scene shifts from one actor voicing these two characters to two different actors voicing the same two characters as Steven and Connie plummet to the ground. I mentioned in The Answer that my favorite Miyazaki movie is Castle in the Sky, so I’m thrilled to see another reference to two heroes falling hand in hand before slowing to a safe landing.

Our conclusion isn’t about Steven coming to terms with three failures in a row and a life-changing revelation. It’s about him realizing that it’s okay to admit that everything isn’t okay, and that he doesn’t have to put on a bald cap and be a ham to make everyone else more comfortable. This is something that friends can help with, but that he ultimately has to figure out for himself. Still, it’s beautiful that by working together, he and his best friend become strong in the real way.

But of course, they had help. I mentioned in Back to the Moon that our Big Three Crystal Gems each get an episode that acts as an epilogue to their Act II arcs, and it’s Garnet’s turn. Garnet begins Act II as a leader who’s quiet about being a fusion and who has a hard time understanding the anxieties of her less confident teammates. By the end, she transforms into a leader who’s more open and willing to share her own vulnerabilities, and a loud and proud fusion no matter whom she’s interacting with. Mindful Education leans in hard on her expertise in fusion, but just as importantly shows that she’s willing to coach others by revealing how Ruby and Sapphire work through struggles. Her growth is less overt than Amethyst and Pearl overcoming more obvious hurdles, but it’s still hard to imagine Garnet being this capable of helping Connie and Steven fifty episodes ago.

Garnet is also the source of two intriguing callbacks in the form of quoting past lines. The first is the wonderful “Hold the phone. Now give the phone to me,” which Steven tells Greg in The Message as a means of interrupting his song about Lapis Lazuli being a super mean riptide queen (sidenote: I’m sure Lapis would be flattered by Greg’s assessment). Garnet repeats this phrase right after Steven suggests that you can get used to not thinking about your guilt, and it’s a brilliant way of gently putting a stop to this bad idea.

The second is a pointed “that is to say” as she explains the importance of harmony within fusion. This is a common enough phrase, but it was so prominent in fellow sparring episode Sworn to the Sword that I can’t imagine it’s a coincidence. It connects Garnet to Pearl’s role as a teacher to both Steven and Connie; fortunately, this time the teacher is instilling a message of self-reflection instead of self-sacrifice.

I call these callbacks intriguing because Garnet herself wasn’t present for either scene containing the lines she’s quoting. And sure, this could just be standard screenplay magic without an in-universe explanation. But to me, it enhances the sense of Garnet as an all-knowing mentor, at least as far as this episode is concerned. Her wisdom is absolute, and it might be pretentious for a show to claim such certainty with its message, but Mindful Education has an outstanding message, so I’m all in.

But back to that ending for a second. It, like Here Comes a Thought, provides a calming answer to a scene of turmoil. It’s obviously a quicker moment of relief: just a glimpse of Stevonnie laughing, catching their breath, and reassuring Steven and Connie. However, like Here Comes a Thought, the episode keeps going. This time, in the form of the end credits.

youtube

Since Bubbled, we’ve heard nothing but ambient waves as the credits roll, bereft of the comfort Love Like You has provided after nearly every prior episode. But now we begin the reprise, and this first segment is such an eerie departure from the norm that serenity once again takes a backseat.

With time, it’s revealed that this song is just more Love Like You. But in this period of uncertainty in Steven’s life, I deeply admire the decision to keep us lost in the woods for a while before figuring out that it’s something we’ve known all along. Just a thought.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Remember my gripes with Here Comes a Thought, way up there at the beginning of the review? Yeah, they don’t keep this out of my top ten.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

No Thanks!

5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure

#mindful education #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

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spaceorphan18 · 5 years

Text

Finding Kurt Hummel: Dreams Come True

Masterpost

6x13: Dreams Come True

Wow. Here we are. The end of the story. There’s something bittersweet about reaching this point. I’ve been doing this meta series for over four years now, and it’s kind of fitting that I’ll end it around the original airing of the series finale. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe I’ve made it through 121 episodes of the show. (Okay, technically 116 - Kurt wasn’t in five of them.)

And, I’ll be honest - I have some mixed feelings about the actual finale. There was a lot more in the script, and a lot that I’m sad that was cut. Not to mention, by season 6, production values were a little on the low side - and there are some glaring errors, and awkward editing, throughout the episode.

But looking past that - it’s been a fantastic journey, and amazing to look so in-depth at a story that’s made its way firmly into my heart. I will miss writing about Kurt Hummel (though it’s not like I’ll never write anything about him again!) but it is time to close the book on his story.

And thank you to all of you who came with me on this journey. Even as I let go of the story myself - I’ll always cherish it, and all the discussions and conversations and friends I’ve had and made along the way. This has been something special - and I’m glad you’re here with me - here at the end of all things.

So here we go...

Final Competition

We open with our three remaining main characters. Ah, I see what you did there, show! And it’s time for Nationals 2015! I’m not going to go too deeply on the time line here - because of a bunch of weird edits and costume changes, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

But I will deduce this -- in the 2015 time line - Kurt (and Blaine) have already been back in New York for a while, and have come home to help the group go to Nationals. Or at least that’s how I’m explaining it in my head.

And we get New Directions winning Nationals again. Whoo! I’m actually glad they didn’t make us sit through another set of songs and use this episode as a way to send of the original characters. I do appreciate that Glee.

I will say - one thing that I am frustrated by is this idea that McKinley gets turned into a fine arts school - and they do away with sports entirely. **sigh** This show just never understood balance, did it. Or the fact that you can enjoy music, have it be a good part of your life, and still do other things in your life. That is my one major gripe with the end of this show - is that it kind of takes the message too far the other way. One reason I really liked the 2009 episode - is that it brought back the reason as to why they were there in the first place - so kids can be together in an activity that they liked despite their differences. This episode -- to a fault -- zeroes in on the ‘arts education’ platform a little too hard - and, dare I say, to the detriment of some of the characters.

But ah well - I shouldn’t be complaining too much about the ending here. I mean - at least the characters do get happy endings, and this finale isn’t a travesty the same way How I Met Your Mother was.

Last First Day

So, apparently this is the first day of Glee Club as Will says in his dialogue. So... Kurt and Blaine have come back for this, too, and then head off to New York - for good (the subtext says).

The thing that gets me about this scene is that it was the last day of filming for the actors, and the last thing shot on the show. Everyone getting teary eyed was real - because it was the last time they were all ever going to act together - and there’s something really poignant. There’s a message some where in here from Will about moving on and moving forward, but interestingly, this is more about saying goodbye and being okay with that.

I think adding to that is that this scene is a throwback to the end of season 1 - when the glee club listened to Will on his ukulele singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. There’s nothing that special about this scene or even this song. But it’s such a touching moment because it’s another final one.

And I’m glad we get a nice shot of Kurt and Blaine together, being close together, being reminded about all their times in high school - the good, the bad, and the crazy. And it’s weird - cause they’re happy in their life, and they’ll be even happier moving forward. But sometimes you do just need to take a step back and reflect, and be grateful that you got the chance to be a part of something special.

Blam and Hummelberry

Alright two things I need to point out before we continue on.

1. There’s a cute little Blam scene where Blaine and Sam effectively get to say goodbye to each other. And it’s super sweet. But also - Blaine let’s us know that marriage is agreeing with he and Kurt. I’m sad we never really get to see this play out post-Wedding episode, but I’m glad it’s at least mentioned if only in passing. But the thing is - I do think marriage would agree with them - because it is a commitment that they both are secured in making, and they don’t have the fears and insecurities they did before. But also, because they are more grown up than they were when they were in a high school. And yes - while I always wish we had seen more, I’m glad they at least allude to the fact that they’re living a happy life in New York.

2. Something you may notice about this episode (okay I didn’t until I was told later) there’s no Hummelberry in it. Crazy, right?? I mean, as much as I complained about Hummelberry over the years - it does seem weird that one of the major friendships on the show doesn’t have a final nod to it. (And in fact - there’s a lot more Kurtcedes throughout this episode than Hummelberry.)

Well - the reason is that the two final Hummelberry scenes were cut. The first one was supposed to be before the Blam one - where they talk about Finn, countdown their top Glee songs, and Rachel calls Blaine Kurt’s husband and Kurt gets all giddy from that (man I wish I could have seen that). The scene is far too long to be in the episode (I still say they should have made the full script - there’s a ton cut out and more than enough for a two hour episode), but I wish it had been in there.

The other scene takes place right before Rachel sings This Time - and isn’t much other than Kurt saying that he and Blaine are taking off for New York - but Rachel needs another moment. Again - I see why they cut it. Still - weird that I don’t get a final moment to dissect.

So -- I’ll say this... it’s my own headcanon that Kurt and Rachel will always be, in a way, bff - but they become more like Kurt and Mercedes - living their own lives and doing their own things. Sure, this entire group of kids will always be in each other’s lives, but as you grow up - you move on and meet new people - a lot of whom you just click better with.

I do think when Hummelberry was good - it was good, and I do see the purpose of it on the show. And while I think I’ll always resent (a little) the stuff in the middle seasons - I’ll always recognize it as a major friendship on the show. Take a bow Hummelberry - and good night...

Mercedes Jones Has Left The Building

So - Mercedes announces she’s going on tour and there’s a lot going right for her, so this is where she’s saying goodbye. And, I kind of love her speech here. Because she admits that this might be the last time she sees them for a very, very long time. And it kind of hits the nail on the head about moving on.

Something I do like about this episode is this idea that things change. They can’t always stay in glee club forever - you have to grow up, you have to move on, and your life is better for it. But you can always remember and cherish the people and memories you make along the way. Mercedes gets it. The rest of the cast gets it. And so we get Mercedes singing Some Day We’ll Be Together as she makes her exit stage left. And it’s really powerful and sad. Because it is an ending.

No words are said as Mercedes leaves. No words are needed.

But that’s okay. Not to be overly cheesy and go ultra 90s, but like the song Closing Time - Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

Mr. and Mrs. Porcelain

The next stop on the Goodbye Tour is Sue.

And they’ve actually come to thank her.

And as crazy as it is - I’m actually really grateful that we have this little scene because it does tell us a couple of things. First of all -- Kurt says if she hadn’t meddled (and I’m still not condoning the meddling) they’d still be apart and miserable. This is a big thing - because for as much as Kurt tried to down play it for a while there - he was pretty miserable for a majority of season 6. So was Blaine, for that matter. But now they’re married and happy and heading back to New York - and this time probably will stay in New York for a long, long time.

I also like it because throughout the entire series, there’s been a strange connection between Sue and Kurt. No need to recap - feel free to read all the other meta - it’s actually there, lol. But out of all the students - Sue didn’t connect with many of them - but she did with Kurt.

This scene also gives us a moment to reflect on Kurt’s story as whole. Sue recounts everything Kurt’s been through - coming out, bullying, growing up and finding his way, and yeah Sue’s speaking for all of us here -- because she’s reminding us the importance of Kurt’s story. That it did mean something to a lot of people - and it gave a new generation of people a story to latch on to if they needed it.

To me (and for me) Kurt’s story has been one of the most powerful - and that’s not to say people can’t latch on to other things. I mean - if you really felt pull to Ryder - than you go Ryder fan! But a lot of us were here - especially in the beginning, for Kurt’s story. And Kurt - and his uniqueness represented so much of the audience through the years. It’s kind of remarkable when you take a step back and think about it.

Sue thanks him - for giving her the chance to be a part of that story - and for giving her the chance to see things in a new perspective. It’s incredibly touching. And Kurt himself is touched. It’s kind of crazy when you think that it’s a moment where the creators are able to give a voice to the fans to tell a fictional character - I’m glad you existed.

And I have to say myself - thank you Kurt Hummel. It’s been a true pleasure documenting your life over the years...

Time Capsule

And here we are - our final (real) Klaine scene of the series. Do I wish there could have been something a little more? Something that held a tiny bit more weight? Sure...

But this scene is sweet. We get confirmation that the Box Scene happened, a run down of Kurt’s greatest hits from season 1-3, Blaine looking adoringly at his husband. It’s a nice, quiet moment for the two of them to just remember and reflect and be happy that they’re past all of the high school shenanigans as they shut the door on their past.

We get our final ‘I love you’, final kiss, final hug, final time hearing the Klaine theme. And a final time for that ridiculous sweater.

And I am currently laughing and crying right now... thank you boys, it’s been a wonderful journey...

Back to New York

And... with that Kurt and Blaine are magically transported back to New York where they belong - still holding hands, fearlessly and forever.

Daydream Believers

Five years later - and Kurt and Blaine are still happily married, still lovingly holding each other’s hands.

We find out what they’ve been up to -- doing an all male showing of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? I assume (since they are 26 at this point) that they’re still the younger couple of that play -- but it’s a hard piece about relationships, and I’m glad they decided to do perform something that would test their relationship - go boys!

In case you are wondering what else they were up to -- according to the script -- Kurt’s won an Obie award and has his own line on QVC called Hummel Brag while Blaine is a Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter who has written St. Elmo’s Fire the Musical and Trapped in an Elevator: A Love Story.

Now (semi-)celebrities, they’re invited to sing at the Harvey Milk school - where they’re considered inspirations. And while I do wish this song had been sung with Blaine’s kindergarten class or two their own child, I do understand what they’re doing here. They’re showing that a new generation of kids should feel safe being who they are and not hiding it from the world, as well as accepting the role of music (and creativity) in their lives. It’s sweet and fun and I’ll go along with it, even if it’s not everything that I wanted.

I do appreciate Kurt’s little throwbacks to the Single Ladies and Bad Romance performances from season 1.

I also think Kurt and Blaine being with the kids is a nod to the fact that they are about to become dads and that they’ll probably make great dads.

This song - though - means quiet a lot. First of all, Daydream Believer is one of my favorite songs of all time - and I’m just thrilled at the fact that Kurt and Blaine get to sing it. More so, this is the third to last song on the show, the final song sung by a couple, and the last Klaine duet that we get. And there’s a lot wrapped up in that. I mean, Kurt started out as a character not on the show - and to end with having one of the most iconic TV relationships of all time and the show full on acknowledging that by the end (I mean they are literally lying on a rainbow flag) is kind of huge.

The lyrics are incredibly fitting, too -

Cheer up, sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean To a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?

I mean, it’s a simple and sweet song - and I like that it shows what they are -- dreamers and believers and a special nod to Kurt being the Prom Queen. It’s a beautiful sentiment to end on, and I’m glad this is the final Klaine duet.

Yeah, I do wish they had sung it a little more to each other and less to the kids, but it’s fine. They sound great together and the song holds weight to their story - being a perfect one to end on.

This Time

I want to do a quick shout out to This Time - the song Darren Criss wrote for the finale. It is so touching and moving, and is amazing in its way of putting into song what it’s like to be here at the end. To cherish the feeling you had about being apart of the thing but knowing that it’s time to move on as well. Y’all know I’m not the biggest fan of Rachel solos - but this time, it’s perfect.

Alright - then we jump into our final little coda. And, you know, I know that this ending is a bit much on the happily ever after quota. But - I’m fine that they did this. The show started in some well grounded satire - but at the end, managed to be a fairy tale for all of us who are awkward and weird and didn’t fit quite in. I’m glad my favorite fictional characters are all right.

This whole ending bit does seem a little rushed - but we learn that Rachel has agreed to be a surrogate for Kurt and Blaine’s child. Fwiw - I don’t believe it’s her eggs, especially when she doesn’t seem to mention anything about co-parenting and Jesse saying he’d like to start a family of his own. She also mentions that they’ve given up a lot of their lives for her, it’s time she gives back - and I know a lot of people said this didn’t make much sense, but you know what - I believe it. So much of Kurt’s story was sacrificed at the Rachel-story alter, I’m totally cool with her carrying the kid for them.

And I know that a lot of people didn’t need or want them to have children. And that’s totally cool! I do think it makes sense for their story. I mean, it’s about these gay kids getting the traditional love story and everything that comes with that - including marriage and children. But also - Kurt’s story started out being about him and his relationship to his dad. I’m glad it kind of ends full circle being a dad himself.

While it would have been really nice if Kurt and Blaine’s last lines were to each other - and I love you at that - their last lines are in this scene and, not surprisingly, about Rachel. Ah well... Lol.

However, there was a bit more to this scene that was cut out. First of all, we learn that they’re having a daughter (yes - this is perfect to me...)

It also has Mercedes wondering who the biological father is - basically it doesn’t matter. Blaine makes a joke about whether it comes out with a bowtie or an ascot then they’ll know. Kurt explains the process, and here you go - the last scripted line for one Kurt Hummel:

Kurt: We mixed the spermies together so we’ll never know.

Yup - there ya go. We were robbed from Chris Colfer saying the word ‘spermies’. Whatever writers, lol - I love it.

Also - there’s a tiny moment as Rachel goes off, where Kurt bounces against Blaine. Idk - it’s just kind of a small, cute moment for the two of them.

There’s a line earlier in the episode where Blaine comments that Sam is right where he’s supposed to be - but it’s really the showing that the characters are right where they’re supposed to be. Rachel wins her Tony, just like she was always going to do. Kurt and Blaine get married and have a happy life together. Mercedes gets and album, Artie and Tina end up together in the background. Sue continues world domination. And Will is, well, still Will.

The point being, as we close on out - is that as these characters are living happy and good lives. High school sucks, college can suck, even adulthood can suck, but for one moment in time, they were all joined together and survived it as a group. And now, everyone is on their own path - and that’s fine. Moving on is fine. Change is fine.

But since this is a story, and a story of characters we care about deeply. This is their happily ever after.

Kurt and Blaine might not get much -- I’ll always wish they had more - but I’m grateful for what I did get. Because I love this perfectly imperfect story, and it’ll forever be deeply etched into my heart - even as change and move on to different things.

Final Bow

The Klaine moment goes by too fast to still, in case you’re wondering.

The context of this final performance is that it’s now Fall of 2020 - and the auditorium is being dedicated to Finn. Everyone’s come back for one last final bow.

I love I Lived as the final song. It’s a song about life being hard and sucking and getting hurt but reflecting and saying -- well at least I lived my life to the fullest. This, tied in with Sue’s final speech about glee club meaning something - about the arts and music and finding a place in the world meaning something, is the show’s final lesson. And as we close out - the show wants to remind us that despite the bizarre choices made throughout the show, through the ups and the downs and the questionable editing.

This show meant something to a lot of people - and for the characters, well, at least they lived.

When the show was first conceived - Kurt Hummel wasn’t even a character in the script. Eventually, he became one of the fullest - if not the most complete - character on the show. We got to see him grow up, and come out, struggle with identity and bullying and heartbreak and Rachel Berry, and become a remarkable young man - happily married with a child of his own.

It’s an amazing, amazing story - and I can’t believe I’ve now reached the end of documenting it.

This is the story about a boy who, with every broken bone, lived.

Thank you, Glee.

Thank you, Chris Colfer.

Kurt Hummel changed my life - and I’ll forever be grateful for that. <3

#finding kh #kurt hummel #i may have actually cried while writing this #i'll probably still write up a final thoughts #but for now #we're at the end

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rabbitindisguise · 5 years

Text

oooo my phone died, killing the possibility of me doing my Daily Assigned Task (I only have one because aside from staying afloat with food and stuff that’s all my brain can cognitively handle. Yes, I also do this doing the school year. Yes, I know that sounds absolutely bonkers) right this moment so while I have my boredom captive in this textpost, let’s ruminate over the nature of humanity some more ignore me I’m talking to myself

it is also very extremely weird and by “very” I mean “not at all” and “extremely” I mean “minimally, if anything, actually not super weird in any of the senses of the word” and weird still just means weird because otherwise the previous things I just said would no longer be accurate BUT

let’s just say it’s totally expected

that people find These Weird Things That I Do generally, absolutely fascinating in fiction. Like, my original works for example are steeped in weirdness. Rolling with abnormalities. Boiling with oddity. And so on. And I don’t pull this out of my ass! Oh no. This is all like . . . gosh, inspired stuff. From things I saw and liked and felt reflected my very soul in fiction.

But they’re totally hated in meatspace

I wonder

Anyway, it’s also really strange to see posts about this Weird Things That People Do on tumblr and to read people complimenting them and to feel a warm glow of pleasant optimism about the state of humanity, and hear the very same audience of tumblr people absolutely go nuts over the strangest bullshit I have ever seen or heard or conceived of in my entire life. Like I get weirdly tense and fraught subjects. I get really tense and pissy if someone headcanons a character as binary trans when I headcanon them as non-binary when I’m a nb trans it literally doesn’t matter aside from my emotional attachment to the concept. I’m not proud of it! But I get it, is my point. I understand. It makes sense to me.

But what just doesn’t quite click, doesn’t snap into the convoluted logic of my brain meats, is HOW exactly SO MANY people have the same weird gripes of this obscure stuff that should be totally okay if people are accepting the activist principles of ableism as nonsense and weirdness not being bad. Many others who are probably smart have said it is simply, nay, merely hypocrisy and I’ve met a human or two in my time alive, I can see the potential for that sort of thing to happen. However, considering that Herd Mentality is what it is, I don’t think it’s possible that the plague is actually “being widely inconsistent in the execution of your beliefs to fit in to society” when that’s so stigmatized but actually that being angry about the same things is good for some reason.

This is important! It’s important because Reasons. Because if you say “hypocrite!” when there’s a fire, I don’t think anyone will understand or listen to the concern. If the answer is anything but hypocrisy, talking about it generally pisses people off and makes them yell at you- a near identical response of an actual hypocrite, confusing everyone further. So I don’t think it’s unfair to talk about hypocrisy, of course not, there is nothing I enjoy more than finding logical inconsistencies because it means the world can be improved etc etc that’s not the problem. The problem is most definitely that if the problem isn’t even hypocrisy than the solution isn’t the solution to hypocrisy.

If my theory is right, or semi-right, or at least not wrong, then approaching a bunch of people yelling about a thing to encourage others to yell in tandem is not going to be won by yelling something opposing to that, especially if it makes them angrier and also makes them feel wronged. Instead, calmly being like “nah, dude, I don’t feel the same way, but it’s chill” is way better. Not only because it makes them look ridiculous for having an out of proportion reaction to someone being weird in public (the horror, whatever shall we do about ~being weird~ and doing it ~in public~) but there’s no defensive position to get on. There is no “debate tactics” to use. There’s absolutely not a disagreement about ableism or politics or intersectionality. Rather, it uplifts a contrary option that is confident and secure and this is exactly the same rhetorical device that Centrists or whatever they’re called, use all the damn time. People have talked At Length about jeez, idk, it being exhausting to constantly talk to a person that’s not as invested and doesn’t see it as the Serious Issue It Is- but from the perspective of when they’re actually talking about serious issues, rather than complaining that someone referenced a tumblr meme in public or plays mc and oh, no, how cringey

This is of course blatant emotional manipulation but as the fairness complaint generally goes, they did it first. Multiple people weighing in on a topic with angry voices telling someone not to do something doesn’t work because they have secret actual good reasons and that shines through, it’s because there’s a number of angry people and they’re trying to subdue someone’s Weird with force. Emotional force, but there’s nothing about consent involved in this exchange. No personal boundaries. Shame is a mode of control. Power, even. Which is why I hate those second hand embarrassment fics and avoid them like the plague because it’s icky to me and makes me feel gross and I guess one of my personal triggers is someone feeling bad for doing something Shameful in public

Which brings me to Weird Humanity Musings part II (III? I can’t do math) that have taken a weird non-activist and highly personal turn for the worst:

I don’t think people notice how often emotional manipulation plays a part in subtle power plays that go on in human interactions every day. Humanity made dominance ffs. Humans are the ones that get upset and feel challenged with eye contact- not dogs. Dogs use sustained eye contact all the time for a bunch of reasons. Humans too. But it’s humans that recontextualized that behavior as exclusively dominance, a wholly human concept, and, whatever I’m not going to spend too much time on this because I don’t actually particularly care about it. But the point is actually just that humans went out of their way to create this thing, and it plays a part in social interactions. Mothers and daughters and siblings and friends all have scripts of code that basically go for the emotional center of the other person to get them to obey. Most people can’t recognize it because society has that whole “if everyone does it THIS must be the baseline of normal” be as well All Know, normal doesn’t even exist so that reaction is bullshit before it’s even analyzed in any meaningful sense.

Example time because I highly doubt I can just say that off the cuff and actually get people to follow that train of thought to completion (unfortunately, I’d rather not have to write this post at all because it means one less problem in the world and that’s a good thing).

Anytime someone says “I’m your mother!” it’s to reinforce the authority of the child that this person probably have financial, social, physical (such a medical) and emotional control over for almost two decades of their life, or however much it actually was. This is often used to make the child of the mother Do Something, like maybe they’re questioning her judgement or smth I don’t know I get this one a lot and it’s lost all meaning to me by now

Whenever someone says “thank you” it generally plays into the social script where they do the whole dance of “I got this service from you, I say thanks, you say you’re welcome.” This works as a subtle manipulation (not necessarily negative! these examples aren’t Get Mad and Force Conformity examples, just How It Works examples) when someone doesn’t feel like they’ve done something for someone else, so saying “thanks” shows appreciation for the effort and can force an acknowledgement of that effort by expecting a “your welcome” or “no problem” from the other person. This gets shitty and creepy when someone doesn’t take silence aka “I’m not doing the dance because I don’t agree” to a degree where they’re like “oh? are you not going to say you’re welcome?” aka are you gonna be a conceited shithead that thinks they’re better than saying “you’re welcome” the most common social nicety that supposedly always costs nothing? Which does nothing to make the person to feel better and everything to leverage the situation and make them preform social interaction for the other person’s amusement.

“Good morning” is another example. It doesn’t actually matter if the morning is good or not, but it establishes rapport and focuses on the positives- one of those things called “small talk.” (Never heard of her.) This is something someone can actually observe better at the cultural level- someone says “good morning” in english, in another language they say something else. Both show ideological underlying beliefs of the culture Because That’s How Culture And Language Work because it’s a sneaky not-liar that can’t hide its true feelings about things.

I’m not actually all that good with the line between “what is acceptable emotional manipulation in a social context when the fundamentals of the english language rely on subtle power exchange to function [and holy shit would some people hate knowing That] and the unacceptable abusive emotional manipulation” and I generally err on the side of stuff that people seem to be explicitly asking for and prompting but I don’t always succeed and I don’t know that I’m doing the best method but that’s the most chaotic good thing I could come up with

But it still remains that calling things emotional manipulation is both true and a misnomer because in some ways, they’re necessary to exist in society without being considered a jackass (as a self proclaimed “I was called a jackass using many different words that all basically mean jackass” that mostly doesn’t participate in these social nicety dances because I don’t like my brain yelling at me that I’m doing the same bullshit I hated as a Youth and I don’t like disappointing myself) and in others, they’re totally unneeded and artlessly cruel. I mean, heck, going through this internal debate every time someone says “good morning?” Who does that? (I do. This is why people think I’m a dumbass lmao. Jokes on them unfortunately,)

Regardless of what people actually DO about it though, these things are the underlying mechanics of how emotional manipulation works. It’s a concoction of societal expectations, situational contexts, personal histories, selective pressures, and a bunch of other things in smaller amounts. Most of the time it’s “normal” social stuff but with a ton of exaggerated features (I almost used my own handle from a different Social Media and that my friends is having a lot of issues and self hatred due to abuse! and also anxieties over becoming abusive ofc but who doesn’t have those these days). Which is why I think it’s so important that it’s expansively defined so much because otherwise people are really thickheaded about emotional abuse specifically. They think it’s impossible to do in some cases and in others, think it’s exclusively the realm of insults and humiliation.

Those exaggerate features are even harder to spot if someone doesn’t even recognize the interpersonal dynamics of language in the first place. It all just becomes nonsensical and no one can tell what came from where or what this particular question is abusive and not this other one. The logic gets poked with holes easier and abuse survivors get dismissed.

Of course, expanding that definition to reshape thinking might just go along the same direction as representation, where even alluding to the truly abusive mechanics of actual, you know, emotional abuse, is seen as abusive. Everything, literally, would become problematic. There could be callout posts about any human interaction in any context with anyone ever. I’m confident in holding myself to a higher standard than the rest of society but I Cannot overstate that being bullshit to the nth degree that I couldn’t even put up with myself telling myself to keep to it as a standard. It just doesn’t work. I’ve tried it. That way lies the nonsense form of madness as in the non-nd kind. That, along with purity culture and censorship and doxxing and death threats and so on: I don’t fully want to release this theory out into the world in practice because I’m afraid society will just use it as fodder to be cruel to people but I’m also equally afraid that not saying anything will just cause people to, I don’t know, keep accidentally causing suffering to others. So I’ll stuff it under a read more and hope that keeps the impact minimal but not non-existent.

But yeah this whole post is a demonstration that just because someone’s behaving weirdly doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re bad people. Even if they do something that seems downright mean. I read a post that was basically “there’s no such thing as asshole disorder” but there really is, and it’s whatever I have. I get so compelled to Do the right thing by my ethics and morals that I go through above *gestures* and take longer than neurotypicals do to respond to “good morning” and I don’t mean anything by it so I assume that people can tell because I assume the best in others, and others are free to assume the worst in me so they do.

I’m not upset by it but I also wish that there were a better system to screen assholes than assuming that non-compliance with normality is a sign of evil, because that’s the system we seem to have. It might have a high reward in the brain via confirmation biases and whatnot, but that doesn’t seem worth the risk of basically knocking down any and every mental illness symptom that’s unpalatable. Because they’re all unpalatable to someone, somewhere. That’s what makes them symptoms. We don’t have any “glowing green hair” as symptoms because that’s just sick as fuck and I want some. People who have working with their symptoms and turned them into something beneficial have largely challenged societal ideas about what is “good” and “natural” to get there, and that type of work isn’t someone everyone is cut out for.

Many physically disabled people are all medical model, all the way because they’ve been largely neurotypical their whole lives, and I’ve read their grieving posts like people recommend that I read and I just don’t see how I can help them empathize with me as a person that doesn’t give a shit if my clicking pen annoys people if it helps me focus. That’s an Asshole move if any has ever be determined by society, but at the same time, a common fundamental symptom of many disorders, and as such, I don’t feel bad about it and I don’t know that I could, ever, be made to feel guilty for existing. I’ve never seen myself as a drain on society. I’ve never felt like a freeloader. And I’ll never feel bad for being disable or neurodivergent. Does that make me the bad guy? Or the weird cool antihero from fiction? My impulse is to say “yes” to both ‘cause what people like in fiction is not always what they tolerate in real life

It’s kinda weird and paradoxical that I can feel bad about not feeling bad but not feel bad about being disabled at the same time but w/e I’m an abuse survivor we, collectively, excel at stuff and things that most people may not understand so I guess that’s all the explanation I need

#abuse #I'm laughing this is so long #I have this many thoughts in like actual conversations #my hands can't type fast enough and I end up deleting half the things I say because the time has passed #from which it would made sense to say them #anyway the long and short of this is: a complex analysis of why I agree largely with the criticisms I recieve #but not with their reasons #usually people mistake my mental illness as me being a bad person #and me being a bad person as me being a good person #do you see #the existential crisis #when I do things I know are unethical I get praise and approval for being neurotypical #because it's expected as normal behavior #while when I don't do it as the most neurotypical thing ever #which is like caring about other people and vying for their approval like the needy bastard that I am #then I'm weird!!#also I don't think I'm an asshole because that need some measure of conscious effort and thought #abuse doesn't need to be intentional #the only mean things I've ever done are generally in a self defense context #and vastly underwhelm in comparison to the other stuff that incited it #on purpose any way #the less on purpose stuff happens all the time and I hate it and I just want five minutes of #I don't know rewind and replay #so I can stop myself from saying and doing things #instead I have to move through life as a snails pace triple thinking things over and forgetting what I was thinking of and remembering #and starting over #jeez I'm tired just thinking of it #I got all burnt out last semester and I kept saying and doing rookie ass mistakes and getting overstimulated in public #which is probably the nail in the coffin and why I'm going to be filing for ssi #I've come to the decision with a mix of perpetual anxiety and hope that maybe

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