#like at the time i was so sick (also had black mould poisoning) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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Hi bb congrats on 3k followers 🥺 you deserve it!! How about a smutty/angst blurb with nat, bucky, and reader being in a relationship and right now it’s going bad because something(idk what could happen it’s up to you) happened leaving bucky and nat at odds with reader trying to figure out how to get them to love each other again

Also you aren’t dumb 😡 it was an honest mistake bub

𝐼𝑁𝑉𝐴𝐿𝐼𝐷𝐴𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁

Summary: based on the request

Pairing: BuckyNat x reader

Warnings: 18+, polyamory, angst, arguing, swearing, blame, smut, threesome, oral (male -> female & female -> female), face sitting, fingering, unprotected sex, penetrative sex, p in v sex, cum eating, talking of death

Word Count: 4617

Masterlist Link

Caught in the crossfire yet again, a worry condoned your face into a suitable expression; one of agony as you listened to the pair of your beloveds argue in your shared home. Their raised voices made it sound as though you were entrapped in a war zone, the attacks were consistent, and adjacently brutal, as they passed through your ears, succumbing terror to your being as you feared of what was to be of the three of you. The idea of such an ending was expected, all had been good, up until a few weeks back, coming home to one another had been a haven, now for them it were a dragging chore. Once, they had valued one another’s presence, hugging you in the warm embrace of peacefulness, it had been somewhat of a dream. Despite all the words and judgemental thoughts that you were shunned with in public, nothing became a barrier in the triangular relationship that you were involved in. It wasn’t a flaw in the mechanical works of your emotions to break you apart, it was simply normal for you to endure, but this, their constant screeching at one another had not been.

Glass infrastructure; a vase plummeting against the wall made you jump, shocked by the violence that they were presenting in the household. That vase had been a housewarming gift from Steve, whom seemed to be the centre of their problem. Bucky was angry with Natasha for her constant flirting with his best friend, he wasn’t appreciative of how often, even when you were all tucked up in your king sized bed, that she would be on her phone, texting the blonde for hours on end, making the man on one side of you grunt at the woman on your other. Nat scoffed at Bucky’s derelict behaviour, crossing her arms over her chest as she passed judgement onto his destructive action. “That was such a necessary thing for you to do Barnes, if I were you, I’d clean it up before your ratty little cat steps on a shard.” Alpine was seated on your lap, nuzzling his pink nose into your stomach as though he were trying to escape away from the midst of the argument and the brief mention that he was given. Lightly, you stroked comfortingly over his soft white ears, imagining that would mute the sound out from passing through them.

“You are such a bitch Natalia!” He knew that she didn’t like to be called that, a scowl frustratedly pulled at her face, as her emerald eyes pointed a squint in his direction. “Why do you have to be like this, a pathetic whore for attention from any man or woman that gives you the time of day? Steve didn’t ask for you to constantly fondle his arms at Tony’s parties, he tells me everything. Like how you have an inclination to flirt with him and offer to go away with him on a fucking road trip. All these secrets are mounting up, and I am getting sick of it. Why can’t you be more like y/n?” His voice sincerely cracked, making your eyes widen from the mention that stringed you into their serious and painful bickering. That was certainly the wrong thing for him to have said, Nat took a step of disbelief back, frowning at him as he kicked the pieces of broken porcelain about with his foot. Tears began to build up in Natasha’s eyes, making you recoil with Alpine in your arms, and stand, carrying the little fella out of the room as you entered the shared bedroom and slammed the door shut.

To topple the wavering current that was overflowing the house like the events of a tsunami, you swiftly locked the door from the inside, a reassurance that they could not enter and that you’d be left alone, and hopefully in a somewhat surrounding of peace, even if that be for the limit of a few minutes. Bucky huffed, gripping his scruff in the palm of his hand as he shook his head at Natasha, tensing his nostrils as he glared at her. “Now look what you did.” He blamed her, though if he were to comprehend an accurate fault, the dismal accountability of all things that had urged you to leave and trap yourself away with the precious feline was a balance on both of their parts. At his childish and metaphorical finger pointing, Natalia as he had called her, crossed her arms over her chest, taking a few steps back as she were ridiculed by the circumstances that he proposed upon her. “It’s so rich of you to cluster a web as disgraceful as this, Black Widow, it is clear that you were trained in the red room, a habitat for the sinners that deter the prospect of having serum running through their obsolete veins.”

The condemned usage of her heroic title belittled her, though she remained standing strong against one of her lovers, whilst the other, which was informally you, were cloaked away in the dense atmosphere that was once filled with the notion and ambience of intimacy and endearment, but was now stifling under the thumb of hoisted reverence. Natasha knew, and was concerned for your well being, aware that you’d be tearing profusely up at all of which you had witnessed; it was no pretty sight, you had for a long time evened out the ground for her and Bucky, but it seemed that your attempts at validation were no longer enough. They were falling out of love, leaving you in the middle of their poisonous and collapsing feud, of which made you substantially torn between both counterparts. Nat opted for biting her lip, and screwing her fists into balls of restraint, as she whipped her back into Bucky’s sight, and headed towards the master bedroom, rapping her knuckles against the door, halting your movements of running your fingers through Alpine’s snowy locks.

Each time you combed your hand through his soft coat, small strands slid from the outer layer of his shell, coating your leggings in small follicles that promptly stood out. It was a coping mechanism for the ravenous banging that obstructed the other side of the door; it was driving you mad, and admittedly it’d be a lie if you were to say that you weren’t tempted to unlock your barrier of security, but you had to remain strong and stand your ground against their unchivalrous bullshit, that was until they had the means to sort their transgressive mess out on their own. You had no intent on being pulled in by the strings, being controlled and manipulated like a puppet, dangling from the hands of an opposing man and woman whom were supposed to adore one another as much as they did you. Alpine’s staring was getting too much, it was as though he were judging you with his moonstone blue eyes for your ignorance of every singe thing outside of the room. Bucky stepped behind Natasha, his demeanour infuriating her all the same, but she continued to hold her ground steady, adamant to not step down from her position.

“If she doesn’t want to see me, then you’re definitely not going to sway her judgement and conception of opening the door.” Bucky squinted at her, taking offence from her words, without so much of an ounce of concern, pushing her out of the way, and tapping his scarred knuckles against the door, earning a similar lack of response, causing Nat to become smug with his deflation of confidence. Just hearing them bicker was driving you mad; Alpine, though considered to be formally owned by Bucky, one of the lovers whose words were torturing you, was the only source of comfort that you were reviling in. You hugged him to your chest, stroking the side of your face alongside the surface of his coat, as you tried to compel regents of coaxed calmness. They were toxic for one another, as had recently been revealed, but they still strived towards one of their selfish desires; and that was you. No longer did they have a hook line and sinker to reel you in, you were standing your turf as you awaited for their insistent bickering failed to cease.

“Y/n, doll, open the door.” Bucky made his attempt, speaking through the barrier and still not gaining a response from you. It was moulding his voice into a muffle as he tried again, but groaned simultaneously. To say Natasha was not impressed with his failure at getting through to you came as no surprise to her, she couldn’t quite blame you fit not wanting to talk or respond to him; she wasn’t keen on that entailment either. And it was definitely because she was majorly pissed at him, he had gotten so far up his own ass and it was irritating. He was feeling severe pity for himself, and whilst it was sometimes understandable why he was feeling so, it was not fair for him to take thus emotional charge out on Natasha. But the treatment went both ways, she was picking at him on purpose, trying to irritate him to the point where he would feel invalidated, and that she was the target of his cold brashness. You couldn’t quite your finger on why it spurred into such a terrible environment to inhabit in, however to your own dismay, it had, and it now basically mirrored hell with the torture that you endured through your cowering ears.

“Y/n honey, can you please open the door for me?” Natasha’s voice came across as sweet and collected, and could deceive anyone whom didn’t know the problematic endorsement into thinking that there was nothing wrong out in the hallway. But you knew, far too well for your own liking that that the pair of them were struggling to feel an ounce of remorse for one another, let alone love, which left that as a far fetch in their pessimistic eye lines. They loved you, and only you, congregating your three person relationship into nothing more than an accepted love triangle, and they seemed to be temporarily stable with it (if that is how it could be recorded), however, you were anything but pleased with the end result. You had tried to help make things work between the pair, but everything that yo put into action only appeared to drive a deeper wedge in the middle of them, and make a piece off them crack and wasn’t you to themselves, greedily so.

“Yeah, cause she’d sure open it for just you. I’m the golden ticket here, we all know she prefers new, and for good reason. At least every time that she wants to see me, I’m not busy with work or kissing Fury’s ass because I have a constant fear of having my intentions misinterpreted for being pardoned after all the crimes that I have committed. Half thee time you’re not even around, I’m sure she thinks that you go out of your way to avoid her, and even I don’t appreciate that fact. That’s why she clings onto me like I’m her last hope, and the reason as to why she wants us to move closer to the Wilsons; so she’s not as lonely as she currently is. I bought a cat because i knew that she is by herself half the time, what’d you do, install cameras so you can ensure she’s safe? Safe isn’t the word for that if you’re going to make sure that she’s watched in her own home, she waned time away from the compound after everything that we have been through,yet you still make her feel like its following her to eve bleak corner of this home.”

“More like you’re the golden ass here because that’s all you’ve been since Steve decided to give up the shield and pass it to Sam. Anyone’d think that you’re jealous Barnes, and that you want to be Captain America. Spoiler alert; no matter what title that you frame yourself by, or decide who you are that day, you will never carry that shield or don the helmet of true patriarchy, you don’t know how this day and age works. You will never lose the looks from people that you have stolen from, to some of them, the White Wolf is just a pathetic charade, in their eyes, you will always be the Winter Soldier.” Her words were like venom, causing discourse that diverged through the household, splitting the members apart and diminishing their morals. Though you still held onto your own strong, despite their perpendicular quarrels that formed enemy lines against ione anther. You were the white flag, wishing to prohibit a truce for the potential future that you shared together, but they were clearly still deciding on that matter. It was exhausting to endure really, even as you arm constantly waved the blank canvas in their faves as though you ere fine to start all over with each other, and you were if only things could work out; that was your largest concern, minus the fact that you often worried that they may murder one another in their slumber and you’d awaken to bloody sheets and a possessive one partner.

“You want to go there Romanoff? At least I never was prepared to sacrifice my life so that I could save the universe. But you’re back, and that’s one of the many times that you have fucked with my girl’s head. You wonder why she no longer wants to save the world - it’s because you’ve ruined it for her, one second she’s in mourning from your selfish actions, the next she’s relieved that you’re alive. That is one apparent difference between us, I am prepared to give up all this superhero bullshit up, yet you’re not. And it doesn’t just fuck with her, I’m victim to it too, and you’re not even just oblivious to how I feel - you’re ignorant. Please just get a grip Nat, and choose a priority, because this is not fair any more, and I am almost done here.” She analysed him, and you could hear his voice crack through the sternly closed door. Water pooled in his baby blues, but he ensured that no tears escaped, even as he sadly with conflict looked on at her.

“At least I didn’t kill Tony’s parents. Or y/n’s.” It was affirmative that she wanted the attention that was brought to her other commitment to dissipate, but Bucky wouldn’t release it, he was like a dog tugging on a rope. He was relentless as he verbally tore into her, and made her feel conflicted about the life that she wanted. In theory, that was the worst thing that she could have switched the pointed focus to, and you picked Alpine off from your lap, and set him on the bed. With silent footsteps, that you had no doubt that Bucky had picked up on with his enhanced senses, though he remained silent and said nothing of your movement, as he stared Natasha down, tensing his jaw as he ran through his brain of what to say. He was trying not to burst, he absolutely resented being reminded of all the things that he had been coerced into doing by HYDRA, and the fact that you were listening in made the situation that bit more vivid. Of course you knew of the murders that he had made upon your bloodline, however it was rather obvious why it was not brought up often, and yet, Natasha just couldn’t let that one slide. It had taken much time for you to warm back up to Bucky after you had discovered the crime that had taken a toll on your quality of a life as a child, but eventually you had been able to look past the things that he had done as a brain washed assassin and see the real him.

“Are you shitting me?! That’s what you bring up, right now of all times. She’s never gonna open that damned door if you keep running your mouth like you’re a fucking god, privileged to say what you want without consequences. The subject is consequences is why I’m so fucking done with you, one day I’m going to wake up to a call that says you’re dead, and that’ll be on you. And then it’ll be left to me to break the news to y/n. Stop acting like being an avenger is your only purpose, and if it is, I’d leave, that level of premature emotions in a relationship when you have a preference of being somewhere else with us is thoroughly not needed. You think I’m being a dick, sure, whatever, but at least I’m not lying to you or y/n, or my godforsaken self for that matter.” His hands made destructive gestures as he spoke, it was overall emphasis on how she was frustrating him - in other terms she had turned him into a time bomb, and he had blown. He had congregated into a mass of flame and debris, of which he was depositing within the walls, his clear anger throwing Natasha off and causing her breath to hitch as she took a step back, and braced her fingers against the wall, gulping as she became unsure of what else to say as a retort.

Your head felt like it was about to split in two, the existing lanes were overlapping; you pressed your ear to the door to confirm that strangely, for once in a long time, there was evaluated silence on the other side. For just a second you turned back, and watched as Alpine climbed onto the window sill, choosing to slip beneath the blinds so that he’d get a better view of the traffic outside. Taking a breath, you put your hand upon the doorknob, feeling the cold metal hiss against your warm skin, curling your palm around it until your slid your other hand to the lock, and pushed the fine bolt to the side, deciding to give into your own hopeful whim and open the door. The sight you were met with were the pair of them staring at one another, it almost resonated as a glare, but something else was dictating behind their adamant eyes. To soothe the commitment that they had made, of not being together but standing their in uptight silence, you walked to stand right between them so that you could snap and break their eye line. And it worked, bringing a light furrow to Bucky’s brow, and apologies of words to catch in Natasha’s throat.

“Is it over now?” It wasn’t your intent to make your voice sound as meek as it had come across, but it had, and it made Natasha feel figuratively worse about the entire ordeal. She was worried that you would call her out on the calamity that she was facing, though you did not; there was no point beginning another argument, more so when everything was now out in the open, and nothing was secluded from speech. Nat smiled at you, and raised her hand, stroking your cheek as Bucky watched with tender eyes, finally calming down. She nodded to answer your enquiry, enforcing you to sigh in utmost relief. Natasha pulled you closer, and pressed her lips against your own, as to silence the possible next words that could leave your mouth. You melted into her calm course of collision that you had moulded into, humming contently into the cavern of her wordless canal, a hand trailed over your back, it was firm and you could feel each nimble detail of vibranium that was etched into the rare metal through the material of your shirt. "Can we go to bed?" A substitutional pout made its way onto your lips as Bucky pulled you to the side, swiftly.

But instead of walking away like you feared he would, he cupped the redhead's face, and slunk his lips atop of hers, arising a wide smile upon your cheeks, finally seeing them finding solace in each other’s company. Nat pushed Bucky back to you after a minute as she backwards dragged you into the room, the super soldier picking you up as he carried you through the walls and threw you on the bed. Your body bounced for a moment, until it settled atop of the sheets, and Nat crawled towards the head of the bed, looking down at your face with her emerald eyes, engorging in the sight of your blown pupils that were directed towards her. Her hands cupped the roundness of your cheeks, descending her face lower as she purchased her lips upon your own, humming into the coven of your mouth as you reached up, tangling your hands within her red hair that she had cut above the shoulder again.

Your hips jolted on their own instinct as Bucky tore your leggings along with your panties off from your body, the cold air attacking and biting at your legs and beyond as you tried to get used to the drop in temperature below. Nat’s hands descended from your face and began to grope at your tits, leaving you in a blissful wonder, as Bucky’s warm breath hit the insides of your thighs, the contrast of his hands stroking up your legs being one of extraordinary anticipation. You weren’t sure how you hadn’t already straddled his face and set the pace yourself, though you allowed him to continue as you made out with Nat.

To provoke him into doing something more, you waggled your hips in his face, only to earn a vibranium grip on either side, holding you down and restricting you from teasing him. “I’m sorry doll.” He spoke, feeling terrible that you had heard him taunt and pry at your other third with such spite. “We’re sorry baby girl, to each other and you.” Natasha removed her lips from your own as she ogled down at you, her feline like eyes causing you to hitch your breath in your chest. She was so beautiful, each part of her was absolutely stunning, little did you know though that she was thinking the exact same about you.

“Quit teasing her Buck, give our girl what she wants.” She commanded him, and delightfully he had no hesitancy nor quarrel against her words. He ushered his face closer to your crevice of instance, nestling it towards the natural heat that radiated from your pussy, brushing the tip of his nose against your clit as his tongue darted out from the oyster of his mouth, travelling up your slit as he confided his lips around your pearl, heavily suckling upon it as yo cause your back to lurch upwards and your hands coil in the sheets below you. Nat ran her thumb over your mouth, sinking it into your mouth as you suckled upon it, your lids fluttering shut from the combination of sensations that collided through your body.

“Taste so fucking good doll, you’re addictive.” Bucky’s lips brushed against your cunt, as he raised his vibranium fingers towards your entrance, sinking one solidified length into you, as your walls clamped down on the metal. Moans ripples out from your throat as he added another one and lowered his head once more, sucking on either side of your labia, his searing blue eyes gazing into your own that were heavily lidded and struggling to remain open in the long run. “So tight, can’t wait to get my cock in here and stretch it all open so that I can go again and again.”

“Why wait?” Nat asked, aiding you in sitting up as she pulled your shirt up over your head, and then began to undress herself also. “You could just fuck her now, get your pretty prick into her puffy little pussy until she creams all over you. Just thinking about that is getting me wet, do you want to eat me out baby girl?” She enquired as she licked her lips, tugging the last garment that was on her body down that were her panties. A breath staggered out from your throat as Bucky pulled away, pressing one last kiss onto your slit as he began to remove each article of clothing that covered his flawless body.

“Yes please Natty.” As soon as those words beckoned out of your mouth, the redhead held her hands onto the bed frame, and moved to sit on your face. You were enamoured to see the sight of her cunt above you, it made you salivate from the way her flower was splayed as her clit poked out, undoubtedly aroused as she descended it down onto your face, and quickly you began to eat her out, sliding your tongue up and down her cunt, until you reached her entrance and fucked get with your wet muscle. Though your pace faltered as you felt Bucky’s tip prying at your own entrance, sinking in and making you moan against Nat’s wet cunt.

“Shit you’re so fantastic with that mouth of yours, imma ride your face for a moment baby, and I know that you can handle that.” Natasha spoke, raising up and down in the air so that your tongue was penetrating her more and less as she controlled the pace. Once Bucky had settled inside of your walls, his hands clasped onto your hips as to use them as leverage to fuck deeper into you with discretion, making the bed shake as the triad of you went at it like touch deprived animals. “I’ll forgive Bucky for anything if this is what I get.” His hand slapped her ass at that, causing her to press further down onto your face, and you to moan at the flavour of her landing on your tongue.

“I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna cum all over your sexy face.” The pitch of her voice got higher as you doubled your efforts, grasping onto her ass cheeks to hold her against your face as your tongue traced every inch of her insides, her wetness spreading along your cheeks and splashing around your lips. Your own sounds vibrates against her mound as Bucky fucked into you, grunts coming from behind Nat’s overlooking silhouette, his flesh hand trailing down and pinching at your clit as Natasha orgasmed upon your face. You tried to clean up the mess that she made but she got too sensitive and crawled off from your face, laying down beside you as she watched your other lover fuck into you.

Her lips pressed kisses over your neck as Bucky couldn’t help but ram his length further into you, causing you to orgasm as he pulled out and stroked at his cock, finishing on the bottom of your belly as he held his head back in continuum relief. “Holy fuck.” He breathed, crawling into the bed beside you as Nat took up hearth on your other side, resting his head into the cushion as he caught his breath. Nat’s fingers ran through the cum on your stomach, collecting it on the pads as he raised it to your lips, smirking as you bobbed your head hungrily on your fingers despite your dazed senses.

“We sure do all make a good team.” Nat admitted, turning your face to hers to press a kiss against your lips, delving her tongue into your mouth as she pulled away and rested her head against your breasts. “And I love you.” Bucky repeated the words, leaving you to be the only one to say it back, and you didn’t hesitate to do so.

Bucky Tags; @tylard-blog1 @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @kaitieskidmore1

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gwoongi · 5 years

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𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗎𝗌 ✰ taehyung (4)

𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗈𝖿 𝗎𝗌 kim taehyung / reader genre: zombie apocalypse au words: 3572

Inside, you knew it must be his sister- somebody he wanted to protect. Surely he’d understand your suspicions. Surely, he’d help find a way out.

warnings: graphic content, death references, heavy gore, swearing, dark themes

a/n: we’re back :~) pleeeaaassseeee leave feedback i live off ur nice words + thoughts :D also...raise ur hand if u’d die for kyungmin....me 2

01. denver ↝ 02. holiday with me ↝ 03. sad forever ↝ 04. surely ↝ 05. scorpion ↝ 06. shakespeare

Namjoon seemed to forget to mention that dinner was located inside the building, and not in some hall connected like you had originally thought. Although an escort by guards dressed in black seemed a little excessive, you followed closely behind Taehyung who seemed intent on following Namjoon around the large compound, fingers looped around the belt-strap of his jeans, eyes everywhere but Taehyung as you analysed your surroundings.

If you were denied entry to this place, it seemed necessary to take in whatever you could. The interior of the building seemed minimal, the mahogany brick blending naturally with moss and mould and poison ivy, swinging lights flickering from an orange to a burnt out nude as you passed underneath a metal walkway, similar to an overlooking point in a prison. To your initial surprise, it didn’t seem too heavily guarded. The inside seemed normal, to say the least, with second-hand couches and a TV linked to a plug-socket playing old cartoons you wished you could remember.

“I swear to God,” you said once you had sat down at a square-shaped table, seating Taehyung, Namjoon, two others and yourself, “if we’re fed some kind of suspicious looking meat, I am going to jump off the roof of the barn-”

“They are not cannibals,” Taehyung reasoned, looking at you with an expression best described as morbid-amusement.

Namjoon smiled from the side. “It’s pasta night. No meat.”

“I’m not convinced,” you replied bluntly.

Rightly so, the tray in front of you was slapped with pasta. An off-orange colour, with something similar to basil sprinkled on top, you ate it anyway. The taste was sour, as if it had only recently expired, but it was the first food you had tasted in what felt like months. Across the table, Namjoon and Taehyung talked quietly, almost finished with their trays. The guy next to you, whose name you must have forgotten, stared longingly at your pasta, and you shoved it towards him, overcome with the urge to not eat anymore.

“Done already?” Taehyung asked, noticing instantly when you gave the food to the guy next to you.

“I feel kind of sick,” you said honestly, halfway up from your seat. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, I think. I’ll be right back.”

He nodded slightly, twirling his fork as you lifted a leg over the bench, striding towards the end of the aisle. The room seemed full, and less guarded than anticipated. Nobody seemed to care that you had stood- in fact, nobody looked up at all from other tables, a quiet murmur filling the room as they talked as if it was lunchtime back at school. Sucking your teeth in thought, you looked at the hallway of brick sectioning the hall off from the rest of the compound, your feet taking you out of interest to the very end door underneath the L staircase, in the shadows and slightly out of sight.

The hallway inside of it was dark, a sort of azure blue glow coming from underneath the doors down it. Stepping inside slowly, you noticed that the temperature dropped dramatically, as if you had stepped inside a giant freezer. There was no noise, the only sound being the muffled voices back in the hall, and as you edged further in the corridor, the silence shifted at the sound of small but loud footsteps scurrying towards you.

You jumped with fright at the feeling of hands pressed against the back of your thigh, and spinning around, you caught the sight of little Daniel clinging to you, tears trembling down his face.

“Hi, Daniel,” you said with a gasp of breath, dropping to his level. “Hey, why’re you crying? What happened?”

“T-they took her,” he wept. “T-they t-took my M-mommy.”

What? “Who took your Mommy? What happened? Where’s the other lady?”

“You’re not supposed to be down here!”

Fuck.

Daniel writhed in your arms, physically recoiling at the sight of Nevis appearing several feet behind you. He pushed away with his little arms and rushed back down the corridor, taking a sharp right, heading to where you suspected the medical rooms to be. Nevis approached you slowly, his gun raised, expression stoic. God, he was creepy without the mask on.

“I’m sorry,” you replied, backing up. Nevis raised the gun higher and brought the butt of the gun down to your face. It hit you with a sickening thud, a hiss of pain leaving your lips as you fell backwards onto the floor. “What the fuck-?”

“This is off limits,” Nevis seethed. “You know what happens to people who snoop where they’re not supposed’ta?”

“I’m just looking for the bathroom!” you hissed in reply, scowling up at him. “Daniel popped out of nowhere but I have no idea where the bathroom is around here. Jeez, no need to hit me, fucks sake-”

As if questioning the authenticity of your statement, Nevis physically hesitated. His gun wavered and he retracted, legs wide and stance large, attempting to intimidate. Pressing two fingers to the corner of your eye, a stain of blood red caught your eye and you glared up at him, only to find that he was looking away, staring down towards where Daniel ran.

“Get up,” he said cooly, his voice gruff and deep with little empathy. You stumbled up, not wanting to be on the receiving end of another hit. Nevis stepped towards the doorway leading back into the hall and pointed his gun back down the other side of the room. “Bathrooms are that way. There’s a big door saying “Women”. Don’t come down here again, or else I’ll kill you.”

“You disappeared at dinner.”

Without turning, you sat with your legs hanging down into the barn, the loft overlooking the empty stables with makeshift beds replacing tired horses. Taehyung had moved quietly up the ladder, making little to no noise until talking. His feet scuffed against the dry straw and he sat down next to you, moving to see your face, frowning when you jerked away. He didn’t need to see the mark on your face. It would worry him.

“Sorry,” you replied half-heartedly. “I wasn’t hungry after the bathroom, so I just came back here.”

Taehyung pressed his hands together in his lap. “I wish I could have left quickly. They insisted on bringing out this really red, lumpy dessert. In the back of my mind-” he laughed gently, recalling it, “- I kept thinking about what you said about cannibals.”

Eventually he looked over again. “Namjoon didn’t eat it either.”

When you didn’t respond, Taehyung let out a deep sigh, his lips pulled inwards to a frown. “Have I done something wrong?” He tried to lean forward again, “Y/N, please look at me.”

Saying that, he took it upon himself to move his hands to your chin, gently and slowly moving your face to look at him. Inside, you hoped the light would be dark enough to hide the mark, but he noticed instantly, his brows furrowing at the sight of a blotched mark under your eye, the blood visible and ruby red veins spread across your eye. Grimacing at the thought of it, you pushed his hands away.

“I’m fine,” you said, before he could speak.

“What the fuck?” he exclaimed, moving your face back to look closer at it, “Y/N, what the hell?”

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah, and pigs can fly!”

You shrugged stubbornly. “You don’t know that! Back in 2013 I would have never guessed biters would exist, but here we are!”

He scoffed sarcastically, mocking you. “I’m being serious. What the hell happened?” He paused, “did someone hurt you? They did- who did it? Y/N, why didn’t you tell me? I’m feeling so many things at once right now, please answer my questions before I pop a vessel-!”

Relaxing at the feeling of your hands around his wrists, he stopped talking.

“Look, if I tell you, you’re gonna think I’m being stupid and paranoid again,” you groaned. “I don’t wanna ruin our chances of staying alive by talking bad about this place. I didn’t wanna make you worry over dinner. Honestly, don’t worry. I feel fine and I will get over it.”

“Yeah, you will,” he replied, and you looked at him, confused. “What? In-case you haven’t noticed, Y/N, we’re kind of a package. I’ve been with you for almost two months. You’re-” he hesitated. Taehyung licked his lips as if frustrated and then continued, “I just mean that I don��t wanna see you get hurt. We’re in this together. I wanna be here for you. If not as a friend, then at least as a partner. An amigo.”

“Okay, first of all, never say amigo ever again,” you replied, smiling nonetheless, “and second of all...friends, I like.”

Taehyung honestly can’t remember a time where he has felt happier in that moment.

He shifted slightly, the straw scratching on the red wood. Gently, he took your hands in his own, a friendly gesture with no hidden motive. “Then talk to me. Please. I won’t think of you as paranoid.”

It was risky, threatening to jeopardise your position in a ‘safe place’. As Taehyung stared at you patiently, the looped searchlight outlining the shape of his hair in the darkness of the barn, it was harder to lie to him.

“I...think I saw something.”

Taehyung paused, not wanting to interrupt. He craned his head to meet your averted gaze.

“When I went to look for the bathroom, I saw Daniel. He was crying, saying something about how they took her. I tried to calm him down, but then the guard- Nevis- came. Daniel ran down a corridor and Nevis hit me. Said I wasn’t supposed to be down there. I know- it’s my own fault for snooping, but, I’m telling you, something is wrong. I’m not just being stupid because I watched a lot of apocalyptic stuff before this actually happened, I’m being serious. We have a group waiting for us and we have to make it to them, Taehyung, or else we’re gonna die here. It’s hard for us to leave but it’s even harder for us to stay.”

“I know,” he replied, almost cutting you off. He sighed, afterwards. “I know. You know Namjoon?” You nodded, as did he, in satisfaction, “well, I wanna talk to him more. Ask him what he knows. I swear, we won’t be here at the end of the week. And, I can’t stop you from being curious, so if you find anything, you have to let me know, okay? I’ll ask Namjoon if he wants to look around with us. Maybe he can come with us too.”

You liked the sound of that idea. Below the beams where you slept, Namjoon patted down the hair on the forehead of a younger woman, who looked like him facially. Inside, you knew it must be his sister- somebody he wanted to protect. Surely he’d understand your suspicions. Surely, he’d help find a way out.

To your dismay, it was two days after that night when you began to notice things around the camp. At breakfast, as you sat in between Namjoon and Taehyung on a table near a large window looking out onto the front of the property, overhearing a conversation not meant for you a table behind.

A herd was coming, fast approaching but slow enough to give them time to prepare.

“It’ll require most of our firepower,” one of the guards said, as you slowly spooned eggs into your mouth. “Franklin thinks they’ll be within our radar by tomorrow morning. We’ll get up, before sunrise, to stake them out.”

Although his voice was hushed, you thanked whatever God was watching for being able to hear. It was an advantage, a time to stake out the area and plan an escape. With no guards watching, it would be easy.

True to her word, Rose assigned chores to the ‘outsiders in the barn’. Falling to the plan perfectly, Taehyung seized the opportunity to sort out trash with Namjoon as a time to find information. You, on the other hand, found yourself assigned cattle duty with Namjoon’s sister, Kyungmin. Having never met her, you didn’t know what to expect, but being greeted with bright smiles and dimples, you thanked your lucky stars for being put with someone the complete opposite of all the other women in the barn, who scowled in your direction at every given opportunity, sneering in the sunlight, watching like predator with prey.

“I’m so glad we could spend time together.”

Kyungmin didn’t look up from the hay, her chin pressed against the wooden handle as she swayed gently in place, from side to side, like a daisy in the wind. Looking over, she looked utterly peaceful. You smiled.

“Yeah? Me too,” you replied gently.

“My brother talks about you and your boyfriend a lot,” she said, and you decided to let her continue believing you and Taehyung were something more than just companions, judging by the smile on her face that breathed innocence. “He says you’re really nice people. I think he wants to stay with you guys.”

“You’re welcome to,” you offered. “We’re planning on leaving soon. We have friends in Georgia waiting for the boats. There’ll be enough room for the four of us. To escape, get away, live somewhere safer.”

Kyungmin nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah. I like the sound of that a lot.” She slowly began to rake, her voice dropping a tone, “I don’t like this place. The barn scares me.”

Looking up at your surroundings, you hummed quietly. “Me too. It feels...normal. And that scares me.”

“Well,” Kyungmin reasoned, setting the rake aside after a few minutes of thoughtful silence, “I suppose life feels normal now. Everywhere becomes normal if you stay there for too long. Before here, we were with a group in a church. That felt normal.”

This was the reality now, remembering the past and finding it alien in comparison to life now. Kyungmin was positive in her mindset, smiling afterwards in your direction before stepping towards the exit of the second cattle barn. Her shadow stretched across the dried, yellow grass painting the landscape, and she moved towards the picket fence where one of the guards from inside the warehouse stepped out towards the barn.

In his hand, he carried a silver bucket, stained with red and meaty pink. Kyungmin smiled broadly at the man, of whom you didn’t recognise, and he dumped the bucket with a tinny thud over the fence and on to the grass. It toppled in place in a circle, before hitting the wood of the fence and setting back in position.

“Meat,” he says, without being asked. “For the pigs.”

Kyungmin stepped to pick up the bucket, only briefly looking down at the contents before grimacing and looking up at the guard through her hair. “What meat is it?”

Hesitation. You narrowed your eyes at his stiffness.

“Animal,” he said.

“Isn’t that cannibalism?” Kyungmin laughed, but he said nothing, turning around and heading back towards the large warehouse.

Carefully, you approached Kyungmin and took the bucket from her hands. The smell rising from the base of the bucket was pungent and strong, the distinct smell of a corpse. Kyungmin gave you an uneasy smile and then looked back down at the meat. It was bloody, coated in a thick gloss of rose red. Even though you had virtually zero knowledge of farm life or feeding animals, but you had never heard of feeding pigs meat that looked like this. The sight and smell wrapped up together made you feel nauseous.

“What meat do you think it actually is?” you asked, out of curiosity.

Kyungmin kneeled on the grass, her nose inches from the bucket. Inwardly, she gagged and cringed away from the bucket, her palms dry on her knees. “Honestly? Smells human.”

In your head you heard alarm bells.

“Yeah?” your voice was hoarse, a large lump in your throat. “W-why would you think that?”

“Because I’ve been near corpses many times,” Kyungmin said vacantly. She looked over her shoulder to stare at the fattened pink pigs. “I’m probably wrong, though. Everything smells like shit nowadays, huh.”

“Yeah,” you echoed, and she barely caught it. Maybe she didn’t.

After feeding the pigs whatever the hell was in the bucket, you stared down at your blood-soaked hands, feeling oddly reminded of the early months of the outbreak. It made you feel sick- smells aside- and you barely registered Kyungmin’s hand on your shoulder until she gently called your voice.

“Hm?”

“I said, you should go wash your hands,” Kyungmin advised with a sour look on her lips, eyes on your fingers. “Door to the toilets is that way. Just go the way you would if we were going to dinner. Most guards will be on the upper floors at this hour, so it should be no problem. I’ll finish up raking, if you like?”

She was sweet.

Nodding without words, Kyungmin took the bucket from between your legs, smiling sweetly as she tossed it to the side and picked up a rake that had been leaning against the side of the barn for several moments. By then, you had already made it halfway across the small field, rubbing your hands half-anxiously and half-disgusted, aware of the fact that stepping somewhere you shouldn’t be cost you a barely recovering bruise on your eye.

Nonetheless, you continued to head for the bathrooms. Switching on the sink when inside, you rubbed your hands under the warm water, curious as to why no outsider had been offered the simply luxury of bathing when hot water was present, inhaling the smell of dry blood and guts stuck underneath your fingernails. With every scrub, you smelt something new; you smelt a different memory. Your first period, the first time you witnessed a car crash at the race-track back home, the smell of your grandmother after the outbreak, the overwhelming scent of the cities, the rotten aroma of little Yena-

You switched off the tap.

The memories faded as the water trickled down the sink.

With wet and shaky hands, you patted your face, rubbing at the dirt that had collected in the dark circles beneath your eyes, removing sawdust from your eyelashes. You look haggard, and disgusting, and ferociously dirty; the hair on your armpits collected naturally, and by now, everything else must look as bad. A single spot on your hairline. Dry lips. A blank expression. You looked awful, yet natural.

And yet, you barely recognise the person in the mirror. She looks nothing like you.

Outside the door, muted in volume, a clatter rang through the emptied warehouse. Although everything inside you told you not to look, you pulled the door open and peered down the corridor, past the canteen where you ate and back in the direction where you last saw Daniel. The small corner is dark, as usual, and you frowned, figuring you just imagined the sound. But, then it rang out again, like something hitting off another piece of metal. Almost the sound of distinct chains clinking together. You knew that sound.

It reminded you of Yena.

Closing the door as you left, you slowly moved in the direction of the noise, mindful of the fact that anybody could walk in and find you snooping where you shouldn’t. Aware and yet so oblivious at the same time, you crept into the darkened hallway, no longer seeing the cyan blue light underneath the doors but instead a natural yellow, the glow of the sun against white blinds, flickering and dancing in patterns. The noise was louder, more distinct, closer. Edging towards the end of the hall, a third noise made you jump, staring down a smaller joined corridor where Daniel ran off to the other night.

You moved on.

Following the thuds of noise, you eventually reached the middle of the hallway, turning to face an iron door bolted shut with the words, “FREEZER” pressed in yellow letters. Near the bolt, you noted the stains of red and orange, a creamy colour still trickling down the side of the door. Recently used; the bolt was unlocked, swinging slightly in the breeze.

Now, realistically, you’d been one of those people who screamed at the TV screen. It’s the same old story- protagonist enters forbidden area, sees something she wasn’t supposed to see, gets kidnapped and threatened with a meat cleaver or psycho man in his basement ready to inject you with some weird fluids to eat you or hold you hostage...it’s intense. But possible. Either way, your hands shake as you follow in the footsteps of every dumb horror movie cliche you can think of, and you slide open the door.

It opened slowly, moving as if automatic, a dim light opening on the floor like turning the pages of a square children’s book. Stepping outwards to allow the door to pass, you held in a breath, suspenseful yet terrified about what you might see on the other sight.

Naturally, the sight of a skinned torso and several dismembered limbs in a pile in the corner of the room forced you to shut the door and exit back the way you came, breaths laboured and panicked, the light still flickering, the memories flooding back.

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braindamageforbeginners · 6 years

Text

The Chemo Playlist

There’s no real news, or nothing of any great interest, other than I don’t seem to have deteriorated much, although I’m still feeling exhausted. And filled with hatred and confusion, thanks to the masses of paperwork I’ve still got to fill out. I’m applying for Medicaid (while it’s still Medicaid and not just a guy who comes to harvest your organs)(don’t pretend that’s not Paul Ryan’s ideal healthcare system). Apparently, things have changed since last time I applied (sadly, my net worth has not, which how i know I’m a candidate)(I suppose even a life as hectic and tumultuous as mine needs a little certainty, and that certainty is in that I’m dirt broke). I still have a dozen pages and a lot of research to do on that - precision counts, here. And I may have refills ready over the weekend, or perhaps by the time we have a new presidential administration (more on that momentarily). And I still have to get on the phone with CVS and negotiate an extraordinarily expensive poison be sent to my home address. Which always pisses me off; there’s cheaper poisons out there - and I don’t even mean that in my cynical way; if I drove up to Canada, I’d be able to get these drugs for a small fraction of the price (that’s not even news; it’s so well-known that old people have taken advantage of Toronto’s pharmacies since the 1990s). Of course, that is illegal, so I might be forced to pay in cash and lie on my way out. Meanwhile, even though I can, for an unfair amount of money, order poison over the phone from a stranger; there are actual waiting periods on my ambien. Let’s just pause for a moment and consider that. The next time someone brings up the second amendment, I’ll ask them if they think handguns should be as well-regulated as sleeping pills. I realize that the phrase “sleeping pills” puts it all in perspective and adds the proper fear of overdose or addiction. Meanwhile, I have cardboard boxes papered in biohazard symbols sitting on my doormat. But, sure, drug safety is an issue (not really; it’s a political hot-potato)(aspirin probably wouldn’t pass modern safety testing). But that’s just a little part of the ongoing bureaucratic madness that’s slowly swallowing my life. God forbid we had a system of universal insurance where pharmaceutical/physician coordination was as simple as a phone call. I’m going to do the periodic self-assessment here, before moving on to the main part of today’s essay: WEIGHT: 216 lb. CONCENTRATION: Not great, although it was much worse this morning. APPETITE: Okay. I’m still eating unpleasant amounts of plants and protein shakes, which tend to suppress appetite. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Good; I went to the gym and library, but I felt disturbingly tired all day. SLEEP QUALITY: Pretty good. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Pretty good at the moment. MEMORY: Excellent, though, I haven’t been inundated with memory-dependent tasks today. PHYSICAL: I woke up exhausted, but that’s the standard on all non-post Captain America Serum days. SIDE EFFECTS: Nothing new or particularly note-worthy.

And now, I thought I’d share the playlist I made for my chemo sessions (I realize I did that previously, but I don’t know if I’ve made that playlist public on Spotify). I had a little more time on this one than the radiation playlist (to be honest, I still have 10-11 more months to perfect this mix-tape). And, unlike the radiotherapy playlist, which was relatively limited (nuclear/radiation/nuclear war), I got to cover poison (that’s what chemo is), toxins and toxic waste (chemo drugs do not qualify, but you feel like a walking Superfund site), death (I know that sounds emo, again, it’s not like the odds on my long-term survival suddenly changed, and it meant i could sneak in “Don’t Fear the Reaper;” I’m not made of stone), pain, and/or generalized hangover sensations (which also opened up the genre of country music), and insomnia or weird dreams (those are two other big side-effects of the experimental chemo drug. I’d recommend them if you’re about to go into chemo, but, as with everything related to cancer, these songs are not for the faint-of-heart. Because I know everyone occasionally needs a morale booster, I’ve included a few of those types of songs (but nothing like Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song,” you can get that shit from Barney the Dinosaur). Like it or not, there’s a lot of hard rock and heavy metal on this list - that’s kind of an unfortunate limitation of the themes at hand. Unless Raffi ever collaborated Slayer and I didn’t find out about it.

Poison - Alice Cooper Shot of Poison - Lita Ford Lord of the Wasteland - Toxic Holocaust Down Poison - 3 Doors Down Poison Whiskey - Lynyrd Skynyrd Bad Medicine - Bon Jovi The Waiting - Tom Petty The Acid Queen (Demo) - Pete Townshend Tarantula - Wavves 4 Degrees - Anohni Subtle Poison - Screaming Trees My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus - Jimmy Buffett Don’t Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult Hangover - Taio Cruz, Flo Rida Thirteen - Glen Danzig Hungover Together - Supsuckers Hungover - Kesha Love Hangover - Jason Derulo Hungover on Heartache - Cam Ride the Sky - Revolution Mother Hungover - Brandy Clark Hungover Heart - Gary Allan Hungover - 3OH!3 Many Happy Hangovers to You - Jean Sheppard Hungover Tonight - Gary Allan Chris Stapleton Hangover - Max Webster Trashed - Black Sabbath Ride On - AC/DC Cheap Sunglasses - ZZ Top Take Your Whiskey Home - Van Halen From the Inside - Alice Cooper Sunshine - Atomsphere The Night Before - Lee Hazlewood Tougher Than the Rest - Bruce Springsteen Fuck and Run - Liz Phair (Okay, this is less hangover and more the morning after, however, there are very few women on this list, and I’m sure headaches and muscle pain are involved at some point) Sunday Morning Coming Down - Johnny Cash Toxic Trace - Kreator The Poison - Alkaline Trio Room at the Top - Tom Petty Poison in Your Veins - Yngwie Malmsteen Poison in my Veins - Bayside Poison Sugar - Reba McEntire Poison Pen - Molly Hatchett What's Ya Poison - Mobb Deep Poison - George Strait Baba O'Riley - The Who Familiar Taste of Poison - Halestorm Poison Years - Bob Mould Poison Door - Sisters of Mercy Poison Oak - Bright Eyes Poison Girl - HIM The Poison - Bullet for my Valentine Poison - Nicole Scherzinger Poison was the Cure - Megadeth Before the Poison - Marianne Faithfull The Warrior's Code - Dropkick Murphys The End - The Doors Misery - Soul Asylum Streets of Philadelphia - Bruce Springsteen (Yes, I know this one's about HIV, but does describe the cancer experience quite well, also, I'm a sucker for a Springsteen song) Touch Me I'm Sick - Mudhoney Hurt - Johnny Cash Hurts so Good - John Mellencamp Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan Let's Hurt Tonight - OneRepublic Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas Do You Really Want to hurt me - Culture Club Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley Fall - Clay Walker Feel No Pain - Sade Valley of Pain - Bonnie Raitt Bad Day - Daniel Powter King of Pain - The Police Joanne - Lady Gaga Precious Pain - Melissa Etheridge The Cure for Pain - Jon Foreman Used to the Pain - Keith Urban Get Off on the Pain - Gary Allan Wonder - Emeli Sande Looking Out My Window Through the Pain - George Strait Pain Told Love - Tribe Society, Kiesza Worn - Tenth Avenue North Just Keep Breathing - We the Kings Shine - Ricky Fanta The Fighter - Gym Class Heroes Doctor Wu - Steely Dan Needles and Pins - The Searchers Detox Mansion - Warren Zevon Splendid Isolation - Warren Zevon (being the chemo ward is still very isolating) Keep Me in Your Heart - Warren Zevon Poor Poor Pitiful Me - Warren Zevon Life During Wartime - Talking Heads Scar - Def Leppard My Ride's Here - Warren Zevon (I love this song, it's especially applicable to me because the fascists at the DMV yanked my license after my seizure in November) The Flame - Cheap Trick The Rising - Bruce Springsteen Enter Sandman - Metallica Captain America March - Alan Silvestri Straight to Hell - The Clash I Go To Sleep - Pretenders Daysleeper - REM Sleep Walk - Santo and Johnny Insomnia - Faithless Anxiety Attack - Jffery Lewis, Jack Lewis Heaps of Sheeps - Robert Wyatt Black Coffee - All Saints Congratulations - Traveling Wilburys

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