#knowing that we are all struggling with something but we are not alone

[pit-and-the-pen]

You Found Me

Summary:A mission gone wrong. Can Azriel get to you in time to save you? 

Warnings: Wing cutting, gore, descriptions of pain, near character death, angsty angst, one singular use of y/n 

Disclaimer: This is a dark one so please use caution when reading and please let me know if there is any warning I need to add.

WC: ~3k

Walking into that house, you instantly knew something was wrong. Every part of your body was screaming at you to turn around and leave, calling for one of the male to come and help you. But that small prideful part of you, remembering that small joke that Cassian made the other day, you’d be lost without us sweetheart, kept you from doing exactly that. Needing to prove that you didn't always need the Illyrian soldiers to come clean up your messes. 

So you pushed down that little voice in your head and gripped your sword a little tighter, wings flaring out behind you at the unease in your stomach. Taking a step past the doorway, you held your breath, ears scanning the room for any sound other than your racing heart. You forced yourself to take a deep breath, attempting to calm yourself down. It didn’t work in the slightest. 

Your hands were trembling on the grip you had on the hilt of your sword and you mentally cursed yourself. Get it together. All you had to do was look for some notebook Azriel had gained some information about. Just a notebook and you could leave. 

Taking one more step, you almost missed it. The soft click of a trap locking into place. Your breathing all but stopped, eyes flickering around the room trying to glean any information about what just happened. Nothing. Listening even harder you could vaguely hear the sound of someone else’s breathing and that was enough to send a jolt of fear through you. You were truly trapped. Thinking only a second longer than necessary, you moved your foot off the loose floorboard. Deciding that the trap would be better than whoever else you heard in the room. 

The dart that shot out from the wall across from you was easy enough to dodge but the net that swept you off your feet took you by complete surprise. Your sword had slipped from your hand in your shock and you started to struggle against the rope cage. Something sharp dug into your arm and you cried out. The room instantly seemed to tilt on its head as your eyes fell shut. 

Your head was pounding when your eyes finally opened. Shooting up as the events from before caught up with you again. 

When your eyes finally opened again, you were unsure of how much time had passed. Only aware of the sting in your shoulders from where they were pinned above your head. Willing your eyes to focus you made out two figures standing in front of you. 

“Well good morning.” The shorter female said to you. “Thought I’d heard someone sniffing around. Didn’t think it would be anyone other than those two bastards.” She chuckled and you tried to pull against the chains. The pain that shot through you only made you cry out again. 

“I think we better let them know what happens when they poke their noses in other courts' business.” 

You didn’t have a chance to feel relief from being let out of those chains. You were pushed onto a blood splattered table. The female coming up behind you. She pulled the long blade from her side and waved it in front of your face. 

“Such a shame.” She muttered mostly to herself. You went to leap at her before two strong sets of hands pinned you back down. The cold metal trailed over your shoulders and sheer terror ripped through you. 

It was agony. The blade is far too dull to be making contact with anything let alone your delicate wings. You were thrashing around, the hands of your captors barely able to pin you down. Screams were flowing freely from your mouth, tangling with curses. Blood was caked under your nails, both yours and from the few good swipes you have managed to get in as their grip tightened on you. You tried to block out the pain, tried to ignore the way your entire body was drowning in it. Breathing hurts. The sickening thud against the floor told you all you needed to know. Your wings were gone. Your screams continued as the pain still coursed through every nerve. The blood would not stop. That slightly herbal smell in the air told you what was on those blades, faebane. A new wave of panic coursed through you. With the faebane you wouldn’t heal. You would bleed out before it wore off. You were going to bleed out in the middle of this gods damned house and no one would know until it was too late. 

Calm down. Think. You tried to tell yourself but as your vision started to darken around the edges you couldn’t stop the panic that was threatening to take you under. 

So you did the only thing you could think of. You stopped thrashing. Stopped screaming. Tucked that pain into a little part of you to make it seem like you had passed out. It wasn’t far off from how you felt. The pain threatened to pull you under. But you willed yourself to Stay awake even as you close your eyes. Rhys would have been able to tell something was off. 

Your captors said something you couldn’t quite fully make out but the slamming of a door mixed with their sickening laughter fading let you know they were no longer in the house. Forcing your eyes back open, you gathered the strength to reach a hand to your mangled back. Shaky hand reaching to inspect the full scope of damage. The damage that the faesbane was preventing from healing. When you pulled your hand away from your back you knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. They came away sticky and red and you had to force your vision to stop swirling. 

The house was eerily quiet. Until a flurry of grunts and cries reached your ears. You knew that voice. Azriel. At least you could see him one last time. It might even be worth it just to see his face before it all faded away. 

“y/n” He all but screamed into the room. You let out a meek response and you heard his unusually heavy footsteps freeze. A cry was pulled from his lips and you forced your eyes to focus on him.

“I knew you would find me” Your eyes were so heavy. 

“No. Stay awake,” You could barely register the sob that broke through his body. “You have to stay awake for me sweet girl.”

You tried your best but you could feel your eyelids screaming in protest. Begging you to just go to sleep. His shadows were wrapping around you, trying to keep pressure on your wounds. 

“Rhys and Cassian are going to be here any second now. You have to be awake when they get here.” Not good enough. You could almost hear the gears in his brain as he searched for the next thing to say. 

“I remember the first time I ever saw you.” His voice so much closer now, close enough that he took your hand in his. The pressure makes your eyes widen a little bit. He swam in and out of your vision, black spots beginning to take over. 

“You had just gotten into a fight. I didn’t see what started it, just came running when Rhys told me he saw it happening.” You blinked unfocused up at him. Trying your  best to remember. “We were all ready to jump in and protect you but you had the assholes on the ground by the time we all got there.” He laughed. The sound warming your body, when had it gotten so cold? “You managed to put three full grown Illyrian soldiers on their ass in a matter of minutes. Managed to smile at us as we showed up.” He paused 

“Wanna be next?” You rasped out. You could make out his smile through the haze. 

“The first thing you ever said to me was you seeing if you should kick our asses too. You weren’t scared of us, you weren’t, aren’t, scared of anything.” 

“That’s not true.” It was a fight to get the words out. Your voice sounded far away. “Azriel, I have to tell you something.” 

“No.” He all but growled. “You’ll tell me when we get back home.” 

You used the little bit of strength you had left to raise your arm to his face. He didn’t flinch at the blood left there. “I love you. I’ve loved you for years now.” There. You had finally said it. Your eyes had gotten too heavy to keep them open any longer. 

“Please. Just a little longer, sweetheart.” You couldn’t honor the request. Couldn’t fight the screaming muscles as your eyes flickered closed. Everything faded away as you drifted off to sleep. 

It felt like flying. Soaring high above everyone and everything. The pain that had been running through your body didn’t stop the moment my eyes closed, but even a little bit of reprieve was better than nothing. You would have let out a sigh of relief if you could have, but it didn’t seem like you had any control over your lungs at the moment. It was too confusing to try to figure out exactly why. 

Closing your eyes, you could almost feel a thread slipping over you. It was warm and letting go of it seemed so wrong. Your mind tried to grab onto it, hold it tighter but it was no use. Like trying to catch a bar of soap in the shower. Slipping out of your mind the harder you held on. It faded away and the screaming building in my throat got stuck as the last bit of feeling slipped away into nothingness. 

✦✦✦

The next moments were some of the worst of his life. Azriel watched your eyes flicker shut. Screaming at Rhys to hurry up. Begging the gods, anyone that would listen, to keep your heart beating. A heart he still heard the faint rhythm of. That was the hope he had to cling to. Not the ribbons carved out of your back. Not the way you felt so much lighter in his hold. No he could only focus on the fact that you were still alive in his arms. 

So he counted each heartbeat. The words echoing around his head. I love you. He hadn't even gotten the chance to say it back. He would scream it from the highest mountain if it would keep you here with him. Almost there. Rhys’ voice rang through his head. She doesn’t have a lot of time. Please. Azriel sent the scene in front of him and he heard the frantic buzz in Rhys’ mind, speeding up to get to her. Azriel was already tearing through the house to get you to where he could winnow but the damned wards were surrounding the house farther than he could get you to and he was afraid to fly with you in your current condition. He would need Rhys here to break the wards. 

Azriel was too caught up in his thoughts to see the minor wounds on you starting to heal. Fading to nothing but pink marks. The larger ones were finally starting to clot. But he was too caught up in the flood of grief that was circling him, he could have drowned in it but he had to hold out. He had to hope that she was coming back. Azriel didn’t think he would survive her being gone. 

The commotion outside let him know his brothers had finally arrived. He almost let out a sigh of relief. Almost. If it didn’t feel like his heart was outside of his body right now. Still listening to the faint sound in your chest. Still beating. It was the only thing holding him back from losing it completely. 

Rhys and Cassian caught up with him and he fought the urge to bite Rhys’ head off as he slipped your unconscious form into his arms. He couldn’t help but wince at the way you looked so frail covered in your own blood. He had never seen either of his brothers so pale before. He thanked whatever gods that he hadn't already cursed when Rhys was finally able to winnow you all back to Velaris. 

Madja had to all but throw him out of the room when she started to get to work. “I can’t heal anything with your shadows flying all over the place.” the old healer barked at him. He was about to argue back before he caught Rhys’ eyes, the small shake of his brother's head left him storming out of the room. He didn’t go further than the door frame. Unable to look away as  he watched Madja’s deft hands attempt to fix your back. He spent hours outside in the hallway. Practically wearing a path in the floorboards from his pacing. His wings were flared out beside him. He tried his hardest to reign them in. Their weight felt wrong against his back, the same way you had felt so wrong in his arms from your lack of wings. How he wishes he could have gotten to you sooner. How he wishes he could have spent more time carving up the monsters that did this to you. He doesn’t regret getting you out of there, the exact opposite. Madja had said that even a few minutes more and the blood loss would have been too great. His heart ached in a way he never imagined at the thought of what could have happened. 

Cassian finally walked out of the room. Shoulders hunched and wings dangerously close to sweeping across the ground. He looked as exhausted as Azriel felt. 

“You should go in. She’s not waking up anytime soon but you should be the first one she sees.” Was all Cassian said as he passed Azriel. He didn’t hesitate before he walked back into the room and the relief he felt at seeing you was instantaneous. Someone had thought to clean you up. The blood that covered your skin gone, the metallic scent being the only reminder it was even there in the first place. 

----------------

Your eyes shot open. A yelp left your lips and you shot up off the surface you were laying on. Warm hands wrapped around your arm and you tried to push them off. 

“I’m here. You’re safe. It’s just me.” Azriel’s voice soothed your rising panic. Safe. You let your surroundings sink in then. The soft mattress underneath you. The familiar feeling of your blankets against your skin. Your body relaxed slightly until your memories started flooding back to you. Instinctually, you went to flex your wings. Your whole body screams in protest and it really begins to dawn on you. 

“So it wasn’t a bad dream.” You sniffled, wanting nothing more than to disappear from those intense hazel eyes. Eyes that held nothing but pain and guilt as they looked at you. 

“I’m so sorry… we should have never let you go by yourself.” He tried to pull you against his chest and released you like you had burned him when you flinched at the contact. 

“I want to see.” He froze at your words. No further explanation was needed. A small rational part of your mind knows that you should focus on healing, focus on the fact that you had lived. But you needed to see with your own two eyes that your wings were no longer there. 

Azriel opened his mouth like he was going to protest but quickly shut it. Instead, he held out a hand for you to grab. You did so and rose on wobbly legs. 

He led you to the floor length mirror across the room. His hand not leaving yours as you took in your appearance. 

White hot shame filled your body. Your wings had been one of the biggest testaments to your strength. The fact that you could still fly as even a half-illyrian female was one of your biggest sources of pride. Proof that you had survived. Now, as you turned to get a better look at your back, you balked at the angry marks that took up over half of your back. The stitches still holding the angry looking skin together. The sob left your body before you could even stop it. Azriel’s hand in yours was the only thing keeping you upright. Legs refusing to hold you up anymore.

When Azriel turned to face you, you found yourself unable to look him in the eyes. Your own lingering on the floor. A gentle finger under your chin tipped your face up to meet his. 

“Talk to me, pretty girl? What’s going on in that head of yours.” You could only shake your head. Unable to find the words. Your brain is so distracted that you didn’t even fully process the name he just called you. 

“Do you want to go lay back down?” Nodding, he helped you walk over to your bed again. But this time he crawled in behind you. 

“Is this okay?” He asked before he got any closer. 

“Please don’t go.” Was all you could respond with. Not caring how desperate it might have made you sound.” 

“Of course not. I’ll stay right here until you tell me otherwise.” He sat right next to you and you let out a heavy sigh before you laid your head on his lap. 

“Why did you stay? I don’t see any of the others.” You questioned after a few minutes of silence. Your eyes were starting to get heavy again but you wanted to talk to him more. 

“We all decided that it should be me here when you woke up. Not like I left the room anyways.” He said softly. 

“Why?” Was the only thing you could think to say. 

“Because I love you too,” His hand had started to brush over your hair, fingers combing through the knots. “And you love me.” You couldn’t think of anything else to say to that. He continue on,

“You seemed so…so calm when I got to you” His voice was barely above a whisper now, my ears struggling to hear him. 

“Because I knew you would find me.” You said as you allowed yourself to drift into a peaceful sleep. 

#acomaf #acosf #acotar #acotar fanfiction #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel x y/n #azriel angst #acowar #azriel acotar #a court of thorns and roses #azriel shadowsinger smut #azriel spymaster #tw: blood

[princessbrunette]

OUUUUUUU PRINCESS DO WE GET THE SWEATY sexy NIGHTMARE SCENE IN THIS AU??????

꒰ა︵︵⊹︵︵ꨄ︎︵︵⊹︵︵૮꒱

how could i forget about it? now i don’t think jj would ever turn to the dark side the way anakin does, but i think he struggles in himself and not knowing if he’s truly ‘good’ to his core the way john b is — someone he sees as the ‘perfect’ jedi. because of these feelings, he often acts out — doing something canon!jj often resorts to, acting troublesome because it’s what everyone expects of him already (the jedi council, his peers etc). however, in more vulnerable moments — he suffers from deep fear that his lack in being a ‘good’ jedi will result in losing those he cares for.

thinking specifically about jedi knight bodyguard jj staying in your room in your palace on naboo, sharing the bed with you because you’d been too frightened to sleep alone — worried about being taken in the night after rumours had surfaced regarding you being a target, hence being assigned a jedi knight.

you’d bonded over the passing weeks, showing jj your way of life and discussing politics over dinner each night. he was brash, reckless, bordering on crass with the way he spoke and the way his eyes lingered, all things you expected a jedi not to be— but you can’t say you hated it. tensions had bubbled, and despite this crossing every rule, jj had started to develop feelings for you.

now, beside you in bed whilst you dream peacefully — he pants, shirtless and sweaty as his dreams plague him, visions of you being taken and slaughtered before his very eyes, all because he let his own issues obstruct what is meant to be a clear jedi mind. when he snaps himself out of his nightmare, sitting up abruptly in bed breathing loudly and heavily, you stir— rolling over and blinking yourself awake.

“jj?” you croak, but he can’t seem to hear you over the blood pumping through his ears. he pushes the bed covers off him, sitting off the side of the bed with his elbows leaning on his knees, head hung. you repeat his name, and this time he jumps a little, craning his head to look at you.

“oh uh— yeah i’m good… i’m good, you go back t’sleep, sunshine.” he rasps, eyes flickering away from yours because he can’t stand the adorable furrow of concern in your brow. he was meant to be the strong one here.

rejecting this suggestion, you crawl up the bed in your nightgown to sit at his side, fingers hesitating before grazing his bare sweaty back. his skin glows beneath the moonlight coming through your large windows. it was a real shame jedi weren’t allowed to form attachment.

“did you have a night terror?” you hum, eyes trailing over his side profile. he continues to stare downwards, tonguing at his cheek as if he was too ashamed to act solemnly before he glances your way again, pulling a hand through matted blonde hair.

“it happens. just gotta… catch my breath n’stuff.” he dismisses and you sigh out your nose.

“lay back down,”

“i just gotta—”

“with me.”

his mouth turns downwards when he peers over at you, eyeing you in thought. doing so would be indulging, not at all obstructing the inevitable forming of attachment he was experiencing. but after all, jedi aside — he was just a man. he couldn’t help but crave a soft hand that hadn’t been coarsened by war.

“right… f’sure.” he nods quietly before awkwardly easing back down on the bed, propped up by pillows. he clears his throat, lips pressed together as you sit, simply watching him for a moment before gently laying yourself against his chest, pulling the silk blanket up over you both.

“now sleep, jedi. i won’t tell anyone.” he feels your smile push your cheek up against his chest and he feels himself relaxing against the bed. it had been a while since he’d felt this content, and it was terrifying him.

a moment or so passes, and he feels himself tense up a little — almost like he wanted to sit up. he’d had plenty of one night stands in the lower rim of coruscant. sure it was frowned upon but atleast he knew that wasn’t quite forbidden. this however was different, intimate, he didn’t know how to act.

“look i don’t know if i can just go back to sleep right now. that was pretty intense n’i don’t wanna wake you up if i just suddenly freak out again, you know? maybe it’s best if i just…uh… what’cha doing?” he trails off when your fingers slide down his toned abdomen and begin to tug ever so lightly at the waistband of his black sleep pants.

“i know you’re a jedi but you’re still a man. isn’t there some way i can… relax you?” you tilt your head upwards, blinking up at him sleepily with doe eyes that could only belong to a princess. as you do so, your gentle hand slides over his length which jumps beneath your palm through the fabric before slotting your fingers into his waistband.

“m-mmmaker okay— uh, are you sure this is— y’know i don’t wanna—”

“c’mon, jj… let me help you? even jedi’s need a little relief sometimes. like i said…” he quickly begins to harden as you play with him beneath his pants, pressing your tits through your night gown against his side. he’s paralysed in pleasure, only able to stare down at you with wide blue eyes. “i wont tell a soul.”

꒰ა︵︵⊹︵︵ꨄ︎︵︵⊹︵︵૮꒱

#anon #jj maybank prompt #starwars!au #jedi!jj #princess!reader

[your-local-simp-writers]

Can you write a sfw of Rook where he has been admiring us from a distance and somehow is always there when we conveniently need something

Apologies for the radio silence; we’ve been swamped with academic commitments and personal matters, leaving us little time to update you all. But we’re back now! If you haven't gotten to know who we are don't be shy here is our "༺☆༻ Introduction ༺☆༻"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Secret Admirer

Word Count: 946

Warnings: None

Rook Hunt x Fem! Reader ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

I always sensed him before I saw him—Rook Hunt, the enigmatic archer whose presence was like a whisper in the wind. He had a way of appearing just when I needed him, as if he could read my thoughts from afar. It was both unsettling and comforting, this silent dance we shared within the halls of Night Raven College.

I remember the first time I truly noticed him. It was during a downpour, the kind that seemed to drench the world in shades of gray. I was caught without an umbrella, cursing my luck, when he materialized beside me, his own umbrella suddenly sheltering us both.

“Why do you always show up like this?” I asked, my voice barely audible over the rain.

Rook simply smiled, his eyes gleaming with a mischief that belied his gentlemanly demeanor. “Perhaps it is fate, or perhaps it is simply my desire to be near you,” he replied, his French accent wrapping around each word like a caress.

From that day on, Rook became a constant figure in my life. He was there when I dropped my books, his hands quick to catch them before they hit the ground. He was there when I struggled with a particularly tricky spell, his guidance subtle but invaluable. And he was there when I felt alone, his presence a silent promise of companionship.

It was strange, this new intimacy that bloomed between us. I had always been fiercely independent, never one to seek out touch or comfort. But with Rook, it was different. His touch didn’t feel like an intrusion; it felt like coming home.

“Being touch-starved and needy was really starting to mess with my reputation as a tough guy,” I joked one evening as we sat in the gardens, the stars above us twinkling like diamonds.

Rook chuckled, his hand finding mine in the darkness. “You are strong, mon amour, but even the strongest warriors need rest,” he said, his thumb tracing circles on the back of my hand.

Our relationship was a series of stolen moments and lingering glances. We were like two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together in a world that often felt too chaotic to comprehend. His touch was a balm to the coldness that had settled in my bones, a warmth that seeped into my very soul.

“They wanted to be touched, to be missed, to be loved. Was that too much to ask for?” I whispered one night as we lay on the grass, the earth solid beneath us.

Rook turned to me, his face serious for once. “You are touched, you are missed, and you are loved—by me,” he said, and I knew he meant every word.

In Rook Hunt, I found an unexpected ally, a confidant, and a source of strength. Our connection was a delicate thread woven through the tapestry of our daily lives, growing stronger with each shared smile and every gentle touch.

—----

As the semester at Night Raven College progressed, Rook’s subtle presence became a constant in my life. His appearances were no longer surprising; they were expected, anticipated even. He was always there, a step behind me, ready to catch me if I stumbled, both literally and metaphorically.

One afternoon, as I was poring over ancient texts in the library, I felt the familiar gaze on my back. Without looking up, I knew it was Rook, his silent watch a comforting pressure. “You don’t have to hide, Rook,” I called out softly, “I know you’re there.”

There was a rustle of fabric, and then he was beside me, his hand brushing mine as he placed a forgotten quill back on the table. “Mademoiselle, I do not hide,” he said, his voice a gentle chide, “I merely ensure that you are not in want of anything.”

His concern was touching, and I found myself smiling at his words. “And what if what I want is your company?” I asked, challenging him with a playful tilt of my head.

Rook’s eyes sparkled with delight, and he pulled up a chair, sitting close enough that our arms touched. “Then you shall have it, for as long as you desire,” he replied, and we spent the rest of the afternoon lost in conversation, the texts forgotten.

It wasn’t just his timely interventions that drew me to him; it was the way he listened, truly listened. When I spoke, he gave me his undivided attention, his eyes never straying, his responses always thoughtful. He had a way of making me feel seen, understood, and valued.

Our relationship was a slow burn, a gradual build-up of trust and affection. We shared secrets and dreams, our hopes for the future intertwining like the vines that climbed the walls of the college. With Rook, I could be myself, unguarded and true.

The touch-starved feeling that had once plagued me began to fade, replaced by the warmth of Rook’s nearness. His touch was a balm to my soul, a gentle reminder that I was not alone in this vast, twisted world.

One evening, as we walked through the moonlit gardens, Rook stopped suddenly, turning to face me. “You have become my most cherished companion,” he confessed, his voice earnest, “In your presence, I find a peace I have known nowhere else.”

I reached out, my hand finding his, our fingers intertwining naturally. “And you have become mine,” I admitted, the truth of my words ringing clear in the night air.

We stood there, under the silver glow of the moon, our hands clasped, our hearts beating in unison. It was a moment of perfect harmony, a silent vow that whatever the future held, we would face it together.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x you #twisted wonderland x you #twisted wonderland fanfic #twisted wonderland fluff #twst imagines #twst fanfic #twst fluff #twisted wonderland x female reader #twst x female reader #twisted wonderland imagine #x female y/n #rook twisted wonderland #female!mc #f!mc #twst pomefiore #disney twisted wonderland #twst wonderland #Twisted Wonderland Fluff #x female reader #disney twst #rook hunt #rook hunt x reader #rook x reader #twisted wonderland rook #twst rook #twst imagine

[chrissv4mp]

bury a friend; the introduction

summary: matt has been known for struggling with anxiety, and lately it's just been getting worse. when you come in the picture, everything starts to feel more... real, and not in a good way. matt can't shake the feeling that something's up with you.

pairing: fem!reader × matthew sturniolo

content warnings: angst, vulgar language, panic attacks, arguments, bad thoughts, self-doubt, etc. (will add warnings as this story progresses.)

a/n: this isn't super long, butttt... it's an introduction so !!

"no," matt gasps, jolting upright in his bed. his eyes are wide, and his breathing is heavy.

looking down at his sheets, he exhales deeply. his head whips around, scanning the room with his eyes.

he can't help but feel the paranoia that washes over him, couldn't shake the feeling that someone was under his bed.

matt takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair before lying back down. he stares at the ceiling, taking a moment to look closer at the paint.

his mind still raced with the endless thoughts that carried over from his nightmare. those self-deprecating ones.

"you're not good enough. you'll never make it." and even, "they don't love you, you're a burden. you're all alone."

it felt as if someone were whispering them into both of his ears at the same time, overlapping voices of the people he loved. he could never escape them this late at night.

what time was it, even? matt thought, his head turning to look at his nightstand.

3:32am. the voices got louder, and matt couldn't help but grab his pillow and put it over his head.

"shut up," he muttered, his eyes squeezed shut and his breathing shallow.

his body shook now, his head consumed with the feeling of self-doubt and sadness, anger even.

zzz, his phone buzzed, and matt quickly sat up to take it off the charger.

grabbing his phone from his nightstand, he sat against his headboard, unlocking it and slowly getting used to the brightness of the screen.

his eyes were squinted, tongue peeking out to wet his lips as he slid down for notifications. a message from nate was the only one aside from the thousands of likes on his socials.

3:33 short guy🦌: MATT!!!

3:33 you: why are you up??

3:33 short guy🦌: i should be asking you the same thing...👀

3:34 you: 🤷‍♂️ woke up from a nightmare like a minute ago, you know how it is

matt sighed, biting his lip as he looked around. someone was watching him, he could feel it.

or maybe it was just him being paranoid, he never went to sleep as early as he did last night.

still, he could feel someone something inside of his room.

3:35 short guy🦌: i'm sorry dude wanna hang out today?? it'll help get your mind off of things, and i heard the fair is still open for like a few more days🙏

3:35 short guy🦌: we can go w the others, too if you want

3:36 you: sounds good, i'll set my alarm thanks, nate

3:36 short guy🦌: no problemo

the brunette boy smiled, shutting off his phone and placing it back on his nightstand.

he couldn't feel that eery presence anymore. it's as if talking to someone made it disappear. like it was scared.

but then, a new feeling entered matt's head. emptiness, like he wasn't complete without that paranoia.

he never understood what he was feeling, never understood what would make him feel complete again.

matt lay down again, pulling the covers up over his head before getting comfortable again.

. . . . . . . .

taglist: @thc-bolter

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[liveontelevision]

Suffer Pt. 5 | Lucifer x Reader

Hoof this one was a doozy. I struggled with it a little, there's a lot going on so :') Apologies in advance if there's any confusion. BUT EITHER WAY, it's here! 🎉

[ Make sure to read Parts 1-4 before this guy :) ]

Pt. 1 / Pt. 2 / Pt. 3 / Pt. 4

No CW! Just angst and plot!

♡♡♡

Things didn't feel out of place at first. Sure, Alastor's little stunt definitely left you shaken, but afterward it seemed that everything returned to normal. While the hotel was refurbished and had made a name for itself, it was still a struggle to get any more residents in. So things eventually went back to how they were. The only difference was Lucifer deciding to stay in the hotel, but even that.. seemed unimportant? Was that the word?

It was the strangest thing, any time you'd step outside and see the sparkling, apple ornamented tower, you'd mentally remind yourself to go say hi. Or those occasions where you'd pass Lucifer in the hallway, you'd say something about catching up or even trying to see eachother again.

Just call me!

You never got any calls, though. Any texts you sent weren't replied to. And for some strange reason, you'd rarely see Lucifer. You never really considered how much work he'd have to do, but it must be a lot for him to not even answer your calls. Or maybe he was avoiding you? You hoped that wasn't the case. You did your best to not think about it, or else you'd spiral into everything that you might've done wrong. That being said, in these brief passages, he still seemed so kind to you. Maybe you were overthinking things..

When he was comfortable enough, he would come down to the lobby and become the life of the party. He'd join everyone for drinks, crack ridiculous jokes, and generally just show off to appease his audience. You noticed he was never really looking at you, on these nights. And when you'd say something to him, respond to some joke he made, he'd look your way but wouldn't respond or he'd outright ignore you. And for everyone else, it seemed to go completely noticed. No one thought it strange for Lucifer to completely overlook you.

Your romantic dalliances weren't spoken of, but it was clear that you two were essentially inseparable at some point. Before the hotel reopened. It hurt. You tried so hard to convince yourself it was just him being busy, but fuck it still hurt.

Maybe I should confront him.

You thought about that ages ago, and no matter how easy that sounds, he really was nowhere to be found. Even at the dead of night when everyone's asleep and your nightmares, which have come back in full force, are keeping you awake; You'd go to him, but even his bedroom seemed vacant.

Thank god you weren't alone. You had your truest friend, Alastor, ready to comfort you whenever you needed it. He suggested you start listening to his nighttime broadcasts again, and as usual, he was right. It became a comforting sensation when your bed was feeling empty. He knew that Lucifer would hurt you again and he warned you multiple times. You should've just listened.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Al, I just.. I feel so stupid. I should've listened to you in the first place. I don't know what I did wrong, I thought I - that maybe we were.." After an especially long night, your willpower to hold back any tears had been exhausted. A puffy-eyed, sniffling, mess, Alastor lets you lean into his side as he embraces your entirety quite easily with his lengthy limbs. You both sat at the edge of your bed, him brushing hair from your face and occasionally cooing you and hushing you.

"No need to apologize, darling, I'm only worried for your wellbeing. But it was probably for the best, I'm glad it came to an end before it got too serious, hm?" As he went on, it only left you bursting into tears again. Things had become serious. If only he knew.. maybe he should know. You can trust him, it's just Alastor after all. You were so restless and drunk, you were desperate for comfort. You told him everything.

"Well! Isn't that..! Something.. " He clears his throat once he sees your expectant, tearful eyes. "Oh, my poor thing. You've been through it all, haven't you?" He pulled you even closer as he spoke, you shifted to your side and leaned into his chest. He fully comforted you in an embrace that was very needed.

"I just don't understand-" He shushes you before you can go on.

"Don't you worry. I'll be here for you, right to the end." You were too exhausted to question his phrase, suddenly feeling the weight of your eyelids pulling your eyes closed.

"Stay- please.. stay..." Your voice was hardly a whisper, as you gripped onto his coat that was already stained with your tears. He nodded, and before you knew it, you were curled up in his arms. Your head resting against his chest felt softer than your own pillows at that moment. He draped your beloved sweater over your shoulders as you muffled more depressing thoughts into his chest. He began to hum some song, one you recognized from the radio. The tone was low and comfortable, the vibrations from his chest, forced a shaky yet relaxed sigh from your lips. He continued to comb through your hair, and maybe if you were sober and alert, you could recognize the sensation of a subtle kiss on the top of your head.

-

The next morning, Lucifer finds himself sitting at his fancy new desk, a small amenity in the upgrade of a workshop he had received. He moved to the hotel for one reason only; to be closer to Charlie, and help her no matter what's in store. And maybe, another perk is being closer to you.. That’s just a plus, though. Focus on your priorities, Lucifer.

Letting out a frustrated groan, he tossed whatever papers he was holding to the side and leaned back in his chair. Resting his eyes on the ceiling with his head tilted back, the quiet of the room seemed to help clear his mind. For a minute. Then, all he could think of was your sweet voice, scolding him for leaving any marks on you during your little "meet-ups". He would do it on purpose, just to see you flustered. With a nervous hand around his neck, he feels himself gulp at the thought. He had gone centuries without being touched like that and seemed content. But remembering the feeling of your hands running across his chest.. How could just the thought work him up?

"Maybe, I should.. ugh, no! Who am I kidding?” With a flustered curse, he kicked his chair out and began to circle his room.

"Maybe I should go talk to her! Yeah! But.. she's not answering your calls.. so, maybe.. she wants to talk in person..? That's it! Or.. no... Maybe I should wait.. I shouldn't wake her up so early in the morning.. or should I even be going to her? What if she needs space? What if I don't give her that and then I-I ruin it? Again??" He continues this panicked conversation with himself for a while, battling the decision to just go and profess an undying love that even he might be overthinking.

Fuck it.

He fills his lungs with air before walking straight up to your door, fist ready in the air to knock. Sure it was early, he knew you liked to sleep in a little longer than this. It even made him question again whether or not he should just wait for -

The door swings open, with Lucifer's fist still in the air.

Of course. Of, fucking, course.

"Ahh! Another visit from Our Majesty! I'm afraid she's rather exhausted after all the drinks- and crying- from our previous night together, so I would suggest you go elsewhere." Alastor stood in the door frame, blocking the entirety of your room from Lucifer. Even peeking to the side, trying to catch a glimpse of you, Alastor stepped in his way.

"Don't do this, Alastor. I only want to- wh- did you say crying? " He had a whole rant he was about to read off about how inappropriate Alastor was, toying with your feelings somehow, and how he didn't trust him one bit.

"This was good timing, actually! I'm assuming this belongs to you? I found it in the parlor room a while ago. Since it was the same night as your little.. visit.. with our friend- I assumed that it was your doing." Alastor interrupts any other thoughts that Lucifer might have and raises a.. corset. With silky ribbons for laces.

"It's certainly not your style, but to each their own, I suppose!" The belt hangs off one of his fingers as he speaks, swinging it back and forth playfully. Lucifer reaches forward and takes it with both hands, squeezing and turning it in a tight grip.

"I don't know what twisted game you're playing, you slimy prick." Lucifer hovers off his feet, his wings flapping out and keeping him at a height tall enough for him to pull Alastor up by his collar. They share an intimidating set of snarling, pointed teeth at each other. "But if you're doing anything to hurt her, I swear -" 

Alastor holds up a finger to his mouth and shushes him. Did he really just shush the king of hell? Before Lucifer had a chance to raise a flaming fist at Alastor's infuriating smile, a muffled groan came from inside your room. With a blink, his previously reddened glowing eyes returned to their usual hue. He made no effort to comfortably drop Alastor, forcing him to land on the ground with a thud.

His other demonic features disappeared as he reached for the entrance of your room, already seeing you sit up and rub the sleep from your eyes. But something stopped him. Something ominous. Something.. forbidding. It felt like a barrier that weighed heavy on him just by looking in your general direction.

Lucifer stumbled backward at the overwhelming sensation. Catching his breath, he blinked his eyes to their inverted ruby hue, again. He didn't use this often, but on occasion, there were some evils in the world that even he couldn't comprehend without thorough examination. He stood in awe at what he saw. Your room was fumed with some glowing green haze, it was impossible to see anything inside. And good lord, it smelled awful. Covering his mouth and nose, he looked over at Alastor, who was still recovering from being thrown to the ground.

"What did you do..?" His voice was layered with growls, an inhuman filter that forced flames from his lips as he spoke. Alastor's only response was a casual chuckle, he stood and brushed his coat off.

"It's simply a precaution. Just taking care of my dear friend."

"Aaal- shut the door it's too bright..!" You called out, pulling the sweater over your head with a groan.

"Speaking of - it’s best you keep your distance, your highness. I'd hope you have her best interest in mind." You shout Alastor's name one more time, the sound of your voice making Lucifer's heart drop. Even when it was some bastard's name, he missed hearing your voice. 

"Coming! My love-" With a final sinister grin, Alastor carefully shuts himself inside your room. Doing who knows what. Twisting and turning the returned corset in his hands, he let his head droop to examine the accessory. He recalled how it looked on you, in that pretty little dress, how it hugged your curves. Then the actions that led to you removing it.

With a flustered groan, Lucifer finally gave up. He returned to his quarters without another word. He would've torn Alastor to shreds right then. But so many things told him not to. He was helping Charlie, and he had no idea how he would explain to his daughter why he was torn piece by piece and fed to some sinners in Cannibal Town; a plan he considered in the heat of the moment. He hated to remind himself of another factor; he was close to you, as well. That made things much worse.

"What was all that noise?" You grumbled, sitting up and clawing at your aching head. Letting out a pathetic groan, you fall back against your bed and lift the sweater to cover your still-straining eyes. Pulling the collar to your nose, you took in another intoxicating breath.

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head about, dear. Are you feeling well enough to finally attend that 'lunch date' you've been avoiding?" You sigh in response to his question, shrugging your shoulders.

"Yeah, I haven't seen Rosie in a while. That could be nice.. and shut up, I haven't been avoiding it.. just been busy.." your voice was muffled by the knit over your nose. With a sweet sigh, Alastor hovers over you, lightly tugging your face free.

"I'm so sure. I'll come find you once you're ready." He said it so gently, fiddling with your hair and staring deeply into your eyes. He reveled in the sight of you turning red by his words. You nod your head, watching him fade into the inky shadows in the corner of your room.

You finally started to wake up, yawning, stretching, doing anything to ease your tired mind. You looked through your phone again, still no new messages. That didn't seem to bug you as much as it would've a few days prior. You focused on the fun activities you had planned for the day. Rosie never failed to cheer you up.

You just had to keep going. You couldn't let some silly fling stop you from enjoying your eternal damnation. Or from trying to be redeemed. Alastor's voice was constantly in your head. Any doubts you’d have, you'd recall his words: It was probably for the best.

-

You did your best to move on, but what especially helped you through these trying times? Drinks. You were drinking almost every night at this point. It would be a real problem if you were actually able to die. It wasn't so bad when you had some of the other demons join you, it was easier to keep your mind off of.. certain things when you would hear Angel talking about how shitty his day was and going into painful detail, or when Charlie was going on about some passion project. She somehow manages to talk more after a few drinks.. you didn't realize that was possible. But you still loved her either way. You owed her so much, after everything you've put her through. That's what you were thinking when you weren't drinking at least. All those thoughts went away after a few shots.

A golden drink slid into your hand with a sudden stop, causing some of its contents to spill over your fingers. With a quiet curse, you run your tongue across your knuckles. Clearly not noticing the pair of eyes that have been on you the whole night, you down yet another round of drinks from Husk. It was you, Charlie, and Vaggie just having a little nightcap after you had gone out with Alastor to see Rosie. It was a nice little catch-up, even if it consisted of Charlie droning on about something you didn't have the strength to listen to.

Oh, and not that you would have noticed, but Lucifer sat across the bar from you. He couldn't keep his damn eyes off of you. For some reason, that strange barrier was weaker and he’s finally getting the chance to see you, really see you, for the first time in weeks.

You rest your cheek on the counter, listening to Charlie get into a passionate rant about something that would help the hotel. Every now and then, Lucifer would have to break his eye line from you to nod and smile at whatever Charlie could be going on about. He could care less right now.

"Dad. Dad!" A sudden shaking of his shoulder forced his attention to Charlie. An immediate guilt washed over him, as he clasped his hands together in front of him.

"Were you even listening..? Doesn't matter.. I guess.. but, Alastor’s gonna join us, so can you.. play nice? Pleease? I'd love for you guys to get along.." She whispered in his direction, her questioning finally bringing his attention to a casually seated radio demon who appeared at the barstool just next to yours. He looked back to Charlie, with an agitated expression.

"I-I don't know, sweetie, maybe I should just head back-" Ready to drop everything, he watched Alastor run a hand down your back, you let out a little groan in response. You sat up, stretching your arms upward then turning to Alastor.

You smile exhaustedly, greeting him with a quiet hum. You then attempted to beckon another drink from Husk. As the bartender slid it your direction, a hand came up and quickly stopped the glass before it could reach you. Alastor held the drink upward, just out of your grasp. 

"I'm sure you're having fun, dear, but I believe it's about time you head to bed." Alastor says. He lifts the drink farther away from you, watching you lean forward in a sad attempt to take it back. With a sigh of defeat, you nod, taking hold of his now extended arm to stumble off the barstool without falling flat on your face.

"No, wait!" Lucifer practically shouts, he pushes himself away from the bar, ready to sweep you off your feet. To save you. That dreaded smog had reappeared with Alastor's presence. But assessing the newfound silence in the room, everyone turning to him for some kind of explanation of his actions, he caught Charlie's eyes. They were confused and worried. He quickly clears his throat, straightening his posture.

"Alastor, buddy! You just got here, why don't you stick around and chat or talk about your feelings or something? I can take her to bed no problem!" He says smoothly, nudging Charlie with his elbow at the mention of talking about feelings. That seemed to work. She agreed, clarifying that as long as you got to bed safe then, she'd love to have Alastor stay and chat.

"Ahahah, I do believe she'd be more comfortable with me taking her away. We've become rather close, truly a relationship I cherish!" That also seemed to work. Charlie was a sucker for the idea of Alastor developing any sort of positive relationship.

"Are you sure about that, pal? Maybe she just needs -" Lucifer is determined, he speaks with clenched teeth, struggling to ever consider him a “pal”.

"With all due respect, Your Highness, I doubt she'd want your help. After everything you've done to her." He hissed out his words, willing to say anything to get a rise out of Lucifer. Oh, and that definitely did it. How much could he possibly know? Lucifer had no problem with you confiding in a friend about.. everything.. But him? And for him to have the audacity to mention anything in front of Charlie? Lucifer was ready to put him six more feet under the ground.

"Dad..? Is- uhh.. everything okay? What's Alastor talking about?" Charlie was quiet, almost nervous to ask any questions. Luckily, before she could worry about that, she got distracted by something else. A little tune you were singing. It wasn't a hum like it's been all these years. You slurred out a recognizable song, as Alastor continued to take you up the stairs. A tune that immediately made Charlie go quiet.

"I-I know.. I know that song...Holy shit, Vaggie!" Charlie frantically grabs her partner’s arms and shakes her vigorously, a pent-up excitement forcing a smile from her.

"Ah, it was so long ago, but - she.. kind of raised me, didn't she?" Charlie forgot who she was with for a moment, quickly swiveling her chair to face Lucifer.

"Dad! What was her job? At home, I mean- I can't believe I've never asked that.. what did she do?" Lucifer caved to her questions, Charlie's pure adrenaline shocking him.

"W-Well, I uh.. she was.. " He finally let out a sigh. "You're right, she did raise you. I mean.. for a few years, at least. Then- uhm! That's it! Then she left for some reason." This was no place for big confessions. Everyone had something to drink, and you weren't even sober enough to stand on your own two feet. We'll get to it later.

-

Alastor was near your room, still treating you with as much tender love and care as usual. You continued your familiar tune, giggling and hiccuping as you struggled to walk. He eventually swept you off your feet, causing your flushed face to turn even redder. Finally entering the safety of your room, you were carefully tossed into your bed. Sweet Alastor took the time to conjure up your coat from wherever you had left it, draping it over your shoulders yet again. You held onto it, gripping the sleeves and smoothing the plush material through your fingers, then smiled at Alastor.

“Come here, please.” You said softly, moving over to have him sit at the side of your bed. He did so without a complaint, propping himself up with his hand against your blankets and leaning towards you with his usual smile. “You're always so sweet to me, Al.” You slur your words, placing your hand overtop of his and leaning in with a content hum.

“Anything for you, love. I've enjoyed your company just as much.” His voice didn't hold its usual static filter, allowing you to appreciate his natural tone. You've never heard it before. The idea of him trusting you with this side of him caused an ache in your stomach. You sat up, the sweater hanging loosely off your shoulders as you climbed towards him with a glazed-over look in your eyes.

Alastor had a suspicion that you felt some sort of romantic attraction to him. Even with his charm and wits, he wasn't prepared to feel your lips meeting his. He could taste the drinks you had been downing all night and made the slightest effort to lean away from you. It went unnoticed, as you hummed into the kiss, moving even closer to him to cup his cheeks and keep his attention on you.

You were aching for this sort of attention. And unfortunately, your strength to suppress this underlying feeling for him just wasn't there at that moment. He reached forward, brushing your hair away from your neck and placing his hand on your shoulder. He couldn't let this go on. For several reasons. He shifted his hand from your shoulder to pull your sweater back up, then gently pushed you away. 

“I-I’m sorry..” You were hot to the touch, your heated skin becoming worse just from sheer embarrassment. You leaned back, quickly wiping some tears that had welled in the moment.

“It’s.. alright, dear. No need to be embarrassed. I simply haven’t felt.. that way, in quite a long-” A loud crackle interrupted the awkward moment, coming from the radio on your nightstand, and just quietly from his own lips. The sound had you reeling away, your hands pressed against your ears in shock. His own ears shot back, a twitch in his eye showing his own pained reaction.

“A-Alastor? Are you okay? Did I do something?” You stammered out your concerns, seeing a line of his blackened blood drip from the corner of his mouth. He wiped it free before examining it on his thumb and letting out a scoff. He sighed, keeping his eyes off of you as he left your bed.

“Al, you're bleeding..! Maybe you should lay down, or.. or, I-I don't know-” You scrambled off your bed to follow him, taking a hold of the back of his coat to keep him from leaving. He spun on his heels, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I'll be just fine. If you want my honesty, I seem to have made a minor error is all.” His voice was laced with static again, he ran his hand up your shoulder to your neck, then delicately kept your head lifted towards him by your jaw.

“W-What do you mean? Will you be okay?” You asked nervously. He seemed to be examining you, his eyes scanning over your entirety.

“I'll be fine. How are you feeling, love?” He sounded nervous, a shock to you.

Alastor did in fact make a mistake. In his attempt to rile Lucifer up just moments ago, he indirectly disclosed some information about your past. Charlie now knew what you were.

The deal was that Charlie wouldn't find out about your previous job and Alastor would do anything in his power to keep that from happening. In exchange, you owed him a favor. He doomed himself, really. The mention of your history with Lucifer and coaxing the lullaby from your drunken rambles, made Charlie connect the dots. With a poorly made deal, no written contacts, or souls on the line, some loopholes can cause the whole thing to fall through. But, Alastor's never had issues before, he's incredibly careful, even with the smallest exchanges.

The idea of him losing any composure and having it cost him, forced labored breaths from him. Now that Charlie knows, your owed favor is no longer valid. Your favor of staying away from the king. But now, that sickening barrier that had been surrounding you all this time was broken.

You didn't realize what it was, but you did feel that something was off. Like a headache that's been ignored for too long suddenly hitting you. You groan, running a hand through your hair and slipping away from Alastor's grasp. And you're not the only one who felt the deal break at that moment.

-

Lucifer could feel the environment in the hotel change. It was like a cool, refreshing breeze hit his face, finally clearing out a pesky scent that had been lingering since the hotel was refurbished. He assumed it was just due to the new renovations.. But after connecting this newfound clarity to the musk that's surrounded Alastor - surrounded you - since the extermination day battle, he was anxious to find you. He quietly muttered your name under his breath with wide eyes. Finally slipping from his seat, he rushed to your room immediately.

“Dad!” Charlie was one step ahead, standing up and blocking Lucifer who wasn't even trying to conceal his eager pursuit. He shrunk in front of her, finally realizing his wings had sprouted from his back and had swept a few bottles off the shelves. “What's going on? You've been acting strange ever since you moved in, and I'm-” Charlie was nervously fiddling with her hands, looking over to Vaggie for a reassuring smile. “-I'm worried. About you. And.. our guest..?” His eyes widened, fear running through his veins.

Charlie was smart. She may have the princess bleeding-heart thing going for her, but seeing you and him get along so well always made her the slightest bit uneasy in the back of her mind. After you started drinking more, going out on the town with Alastor again, and generally seeing Lucifer less, she realized something had happened. And this strange behavior from him wasn't helping your case.

“Charlie, don't worry! We’re friends! And I'm worried about her because of all the drinking and the.. uhh.. Anyway, no need to worry about that! I bet she’s fine now..! But I better head to bed, long night, just uh- really tired, yeeah.” He stammered through his words, throwing in a fake yawn, then leaping with the assistance of his wings to pat the crown of Charlie's head. He started off again, making sure to take his time and not cause another scene.

“Dad, wait!” With a frustrated groan, Charlie is left clutching her face in his hands. With a deep breath, she smooths her hair back and puts on a wry smile to face Vaggie. “I think he loves her, Vaggie.”

-

Spreading his wings as soon as he's out of view, he rushes to your room. It was so much easier to sense where you are now. How could he not notice? It felt like hundreds of memories were flooding back into his mind. Memories of passing you in the hallway while he ignored you, writing texts but never sending them, hearing you talk to him but never responding. He went from constantly longing for your presence, to just.. nothing. But now, it's all back. All the pining had finally erupted And he needed you- to see you- immediately.

“I'm sure you just drank a bit too much tonight, go on and rest and I'll be sure to-” Alastor couldn't even finish his sentence before your door was sprung open. You were sure the force broke your lock with its intensity. 

Alastor panicked. You've never seen him panic before. He attempted to fade into his slimy shadows and slip through the darkest corner of the room, but Lucifer quickly put a stop to it, stomping his heel into the black trail before it could disappear. An ear-piercing screech came from all corners of the room. You gasped at the sight, watching Alastor materialize back to his usual self. He laid on your floor, clutching onto the almost forgotten wound on his chest that had been stressed by Lucifer's heel.

“Al!” You stumble off the bed and onto your knees, hovering your hands over him but not quite touching him, like you were nervous he’d break. You watched blood pool and stain his shirt as he hisses at the reopened slash. “Hey, hey, it's okay..! It's um- you'll be okay..!” Your shaky reassurance did little to ease his pain. If anything, he felt ridiculed. Another embarrassing defeat. You helped him at least sit up and lean his back against your dresser.

“Lucifer, what the fuck! what are you even doing in here?” You scolded, still seated at Alastor's side. You looked up at his demonic figure, your anger suddenly replaced with a suppressed and unwanted attraction. You shake your head of any longing thoughts. “He's hurt. You have to help him.” You say, finally breaking your strained eye contact.

Lucifer is cringing at the sight. You were seated close to Alastor's injured form, an arm around his back and a hand resting on his own, helping to compress the wound. You were wearing his sweater, your eyes brimming with tears at the sudden intrusion. Lucifer hated the way you were looking at Alastor, with concern and genuine worry. Lucifer looked into his hands as if he had blood on them. And if you weren't there, that certainly would've been the case.

With a deep breath, his horns, halo, wings, and tail all subdued, leaving a very disheveled Lucifer avoiding eye contact out of shame. He kneeled down, still slightly disgusted by the smell that lingered around the radio demon. Moving Alastor’s coat aside, he presses his clawed hands against the blood stain. He admittedly put more pressure than he needed to, but if he could cause him even the slightest discomfort right now, that would keep his bloodlust at bay. A golden light glistened from beneath his hand, forcing a hiss from Alastor's forced smile.

“Jeez, this wound is from an angelic attack.. a strong one too. What have you been up to, Bambi?” Lucifer tried his hardest to keep a light tone, but despite his casual words, his unenthused frown was very apparent.

“It was Adam. before you came to the battle, Al got hurt. Bad. I.. we all thought he was dead.” You explained softly. You seemed much more put together than before, the fear from this whole ordeal clearly sobered you up. Your lip quivered and you held in a shaky breath, that was only released when you felt Alastor hold your hand and squeeze it gently.

Was he doing this just to piss Lucifer off? Because it was working. Lucifer did his best to focus on his healing. It took a while to even stop the bleeding, but maybe he was doing that on purpose as well. Admittedly, he could have healed him with a snap of his fingers, even cleared that nasty scar, but he didn't. Alastor didn't deserve that in Lucifer's mind.

After just a few minutes, you were helping Alastor to sit up, and then eventually to his feet.

“Do you need to lay down? You can stay here tonight, I'll find somewhere else to sleep- or I can help you to your room if you need it..” you were shushed by his hand waving any assistance away.

“I'll be alright, love, no need to worry. I am a bit tired, though.. I wouldn't mind resting here for-” A whirring sound interrupts Alastor's words and draws both of your attention to a portal that leads into his room.

“..Right. Very helpful.” Alastor muttered, still using you as a brace as he approached the portal. He didn't need the help, he felt fantastic, actually. But he’s still having his fun, enjoying the pure jealousy coming from Lucifer. He lifts your hand and presses his usual subtle kiss onto your knuckles.

“You sure you'll be okay?” You ask softly, helping him step over the boundaries of the portal. He hums, then gives a quick nod. “And?” You add. He looks at you confused, before noticing your subtle nudging towards Lucifer. Alastor lets out a quiet groan and rolls his eyes. 

“I suppose I owe you a thanks, your highness. Just watch your step in the future.” Alastor says smugly. Having seen more than enough of him tonight, Lucifer shuts the portal without another word. 

The room is silent, but the air is clear. Lucifer breathes in, only catching the faintest musk of the sweater you were wrapping yourself in. It was still a relief. Reality hits him and he finally rushes towards you, his hands placed on your shoulders with a worried expression.

“Are you okay? Good golly, I missed you.. did he do anything to hurt you? How do you feel?” He questioned you frantically, scanning your entire body with his darting eyes, but you reeled away from his touch.

“What do you mean miss? We live under the same roof. You could have talked to me at any time if you just-” You let out a sigh, relieving some of the agitation in your tone. 

“Thanks for helping Al.. And I guess I missed you, too. Wherever you’ve been.” You muster a smile that's more genuine than you were expecting. You didn't have the same ability to sense the deal or the repellent that Alastor had drenched you in all these months. So to you, Lucifer had gone from your closest friend to ignoring you, then suddenly attacking the only other demon who was comforting you. It was all so confusing. And he was about to make it worse.

With a quick motion, Lucifer had you pulled into an embrace. It was tight and comfortable. You could feel his hands flexing and tightening on your back and waist, his breath just grazing the base of your neck. You didn't pull away. Not yet. You would never admit how good this felt, how much you missed his arms around you. Lucifer shifted his position to cradle the back of your head, hastily and thoughtlessly pressing a kiss to your lips. With a surprised yelp, you shove him backward.

“No! This is too much! You can’t just waltz in here and save the day, and expect things to go back to how they were! If this was all just a fling, finishing off the mistake we made years ago, then you should've made that clear from the beginning!” Your voice started cracking with each statement, tears falling as you spoke. “You've done enough, Lucifer. Don't make this harder for me.” You look away, still avoiding his touch when he goes to swipe your tear-stained cheek.

“No! That's not what's happening at all! That prick did something to you, I'm just trying to-” He stops himself midsentence, seeing the startled look on your face from the sudden outburst. He steps away, clutching his hands in front of him. “I'm sorry, I-” 

“No. You have to go, now. Before I change my mind.” You interrupt. He looks at you, slightly red in the face. With a final nod, he snaps a portal to his workshop and leaves your room silently. Falling to your knees, finally alone, your body only responded with quiet sobs. Too much had gone on for you to process the entire evening and you were in pain even attempting to do so. Before curling up in your bed, your radio was turned back on. Playing its usual tunes, you were at least calmed enough to drift to sleep.

-

Looking vacantly at his office, Lucifer sat down at his desk. He brushed his fingers against his lips, the inappropriately timed kiss from earlier suddenly hitting his consciousness. He let out an embarrassed groan into his hands. As he composed himself with a sigh, he noticed something strange. Smacking his lips together he finally recognized a foul taste in his mouth. It was his doing, Alastor’s scent, coming from your lips. The indirect sensation made it clear that Alastor had his hands on you in more ways than Lucifer had considered.

-

Another restless night went by, filled with its usual nightmares. You were woken up with your usual hangover and struggled to get ready for the day. As you dressed up, and went through your usual routine to prepare for the day, your memories of the previous night flooded your mind. You got drunk, then Alastor took you to your room, you kissed him, then Lucifer came and- 

You kissed Alastor.

“Fuck!” You shouted to yourself, letting your head fall onto your vanity at the realization. You have got to stop doing that. The rest of the night came through afterward, Lucifer's sudden appearance and affection causing you even more distress. You swear, one more nuisance and you'll have a breakdown. A knock on your door, followed by it opening a crack, and forcing you to greet your intruder.

“Hey! Morning! Your lock is busted for some reason, buuut we can fix it, don't worry!” a cheerful Charlie enters your room, smiling nervously at you. You muster up your best smile and turn towards her.

“Morning, Charlie. What's got you all worked up today?” You ask casually, running your fingers through your hair, too lazy to thoroughly brush it. You could tell she was nervous, it was obvious to you.

“Well! About that.. I actually wanted to talk to you about.. my dad.” She spoke softly, you did your best to hide your sudden nerves, and nodded. “Right! Well- I can't believe I never realized or even asked where you used to work, but.. I remember you. When I was kid? I remember you were there with me, taking care of me-” She began to explain quickly and nervously, pacing your room. Your mind was racing with a relief that she finally knew, but also a fear of what was coming next. “I don't know, I was so young and it was so long ago, but I felt like we had fun, right? What.. What made you leave..? Did I do something wrong?”

It was so much more complicated than that. How do you explain to her what you've done? The very act that cost you a dream job, that haunts you with nightmares almost every night? She could see your mind swimming for answers, she watched you struggle for longer than she needed to.

“Was it my dad? Did he do something?” She sounded so serious. But clearly she was on the right path with your wide eyed reaction. “I'm so sorry if he did anything to upset you, you know how he can be… What did he-”

“Charlie, no.. You’re right, we all had so much fun together, and.. he was my best friend! And I-I made a mistake and I kissed him, and.. and Lillith saw and-” you finally let the floodgates down, making sure to leave out any reciprocated feelings that Lucifer may have had for you. That was his discussion to have. Charlie was silent. Even though you didn't tell her that things were mutual at some point, things started piecing together. She could tell you two had rekindled some sort of feelings for each other recently. “It's all my fault, Charlie, I never meant to hurt anyone. I loved him. It was a mistake..”

A sudden hand on your shoulder forced your eyes to meet hers. She was smiling. whether that meant she understood you or forgave you, it was one of your favorite sights. It always has been.

-

Lucifer paced around his workshop, figuring out how to keep that deer demon away from you, while also avoiding the conjured images of his lips against yours. Before he could react, he noticed the floor underneath him disappear. Falling directly into a suddenly conjured portal, he looked around, before realizing he was suddenly in the lobby. He was greeted by you and Charlie seated on the couch, a confrontation he’s been afraid of for years. 

“Hi, dad..! I hope you weren’t doing anything important, I just needed to.. Talk to you..” With a snap of her fingers, the portal above his head vanished. She takes Lucifer by the shoulders and plops him down next to you on the couch. Can't have him running off again.

She’s struggling to get past her initial greeting. You take hold of her fidgeting hand and she seems startled at first, but your smile seems to calm her nerves for the moment. With a large inhale, everything that had been troubling Charlie finally erupted.

“I know you two have.. Some kind of history- Well, actually, I know exactly what kind of history- I know that you kissed her when she was my nanny and then she came to the hotel and didn’t tell me who she was! Still not super happy about that-” She interrupts her rambling to point out your mistakes, making you wince. “-Then! All of a sudden you two are friends? Again? Or.. something more, I guess! Then I noticed you haven’t been wearing your ring, you’re hauled up in your workshop all day, and whenever she’s around, you can’t keep your eyes off of her! And.. and that you’re more focused on her than this hotel! Than me!” The silence that followed her words were filled with nothing but her shaky breathing.

You and Lucifer were too stunned to speak. You took the time to examine Lucifer’s shriveling body language, seeing that he had in fact taken his wedding band off at some point. Charlie practiced this whole speech with you, but she seemed to run off the rails near the end there. Her words were harsh, but.. true. A relaxed sigh finally brings your attention back to Charlie.

“Dad, I know things weren’t great between you and Mom, I’m not a little kid anymore.. And… all I want is for you to be happy, but-” Lucifer has her wrapped in a tight hug before she can continue on.

“Charlie.. I am.. So sorry.” He waited for her to wrap her own arms around him, needing the comfort as much as she did. “You’re right. I haven’t had my priorities straight. I told you that i’ll support your dream, no matter what lies in store and I meant that.” He pulled her away, but only to wipe the absurd amount of tears that had fallen from her eyes. “I’m sorry things got so out of control. Think you can forgive me, sweetheart?” Charlie sniffled, with a small nod. They both turn to face you.

"Can you forgive me?" He asked. His eyes were so soft, still glistening with a few tears that had welled during his confrontation with his daughter. You couldn't help but get lost in them. Finally realizing he was waiting for an answer, you opened your mouth to speak, but nothing wanted to come out.

“I.. I don't know." Before either of the Morningstars could react accordingly, a familiar face interrupts the conversation.

“Now, now, don’t corner her! This is quite the dilemma, isn’t it, dear?” As he stands behind the couch reaching forward, you feel Alastor’s hand on your shoulder, yet he seems to be keeping his eyes on Charlie. “Oh, but how touching! What a great example of forgiveness! Quite commendable, Charlie!” Alastor slowly made his way around the couch as he spoke, trailing his talons across your shoulders before he went on to praise Charlie in this off-putting tone. Lucifer had his arms crossed over his chest. Despite his only annoyed demeanor, he was ready to snap at the slightest misstep.

“But- I don’t know if it’s that simple.. Would you really be able to consider redemption with your ties to the king?” Alastor adds. The three of you went silent, considering the possibility. You became nervous at the thought.

“I mean, m-maybe it doesn’t matter, I’ve still been doing all the exercises and-” Why were you trying to reason with him? Lucifer has done nothing but hurt you. He’s only shown you kindness just recently and even then, he had to confuse you with a damned kiss. Your reasoning didn’t last long, though.

“True! You’ve been making excellent progress, darling! You’ve just been an absolute pleasure to have around the hotel. You’re very.. Important to us here.” Alastor dares to lay another hand on you, bringing your pondering mind to his attention with the lightest tug of your chin to face him.

“Uh.. Thank you, I guess…” You respond, his grasp on your face causing your words to muffle. Lucifer was fuming. As soon as Alastor caught sight of his reaction, he tightened his grip for just a moment, before finally releasing your face.

“But! Your successful redemption could give us what we need to get those pesky angels' attention. Wouldn’t you agree?” He acted out a determined facade, now approaching Charlie and wrapping a hand around her shoulder.

“Sure, but..” Charlie nods along with what he’s saying, laughing nervously at the tension that’s accumulated.

“And you! I thought you, of all people, would know what has to be done to get their attention, your highness.” All eyes shot to Lucifer as soon as Alastor spoke out of turn.

“Watch it.” Lucifer growled under his breath, stepping away from the group.

“Haha.. Let’s just relax! Redemption is about saving souls, remember? The important thing is-” Charlie attempts to chime in, sensing that things are about to go very wrong.

“Do you want Charlie to succeed with her dreams? Or are you assuming she’ll simply give up? Like you did?” Alastor approached Lucifer, bending at his hips to meet his eyes and emphasize the insult he had just made.

“That’s it-” With a quick rolling of his sleeves, Lucifer lunged towards the radio demon, taking him down with ease. It's like he wasn't even trying to dodge the attack.. A crash into the nearest surface left a crack trailing up the wall, his hands rung around Alastor’s neck. Using his usual shadow tricks, he phased from underneath him, silking away. Lucifer quickly rose from the ground, his wings now encasing most of the room, he scanned the room for any sight of the shadowy being. 

“What's wrong, your majesty? Worried about your little nanny? Will you miss her once she's redeemed?” His questioning came from all corners of the room, only enraging Lucifer more.

“Shut up!” With a growl, Lucifer surrounded the room in a white light. In that fit of rage, he succeeded in forcing Alastor out of the shadows, but momentarily lost his vision. Blinking and rubbing his eyes, Alastor was fast approaching, his own demonic form growing behind the fallen angel.

You covered your ears at the shouting, only to have your eyes blinded by the light. With all of your senses overwhelmed, and your heart racing, you scramble off the couch to avoid some debris coming your way. All you comprehend is Alastor lifting his arm, ready to essentially slash Lucifer into pieces before the room goes silent. Now only hearing the blood pumping in your ears, you lifted your head up to witness the end of this useless fight.

Charlie had put it all to an end. Her powerful arm had broken through her sleeve, and in its grasp.. something you’ve seen before, out on the streets of Hell. You’ve heard about these sorts of situations, but never witnessed anything like this. A glowing chain was fastened around Alastor’s neck, effectively yanking him away from the fight. The other end was held tightly in Charlie’s demonic fist. The silence was deafening. With Alastor on the ground, essentially leashed by Charlie, you instinctively slid behind Lucifer’s still-powerful appearance. He held his arm out to keep you behind him. Alastor coughed, gripping at the illuminated collar he wore.

“W-Well.. I should’ve known better, I have to admit. Maybe I've lost my touch... But I’m proud of you, Charlie. You’re finally showing some authority around here.” Alastor speaks up. His crumbling voice was weak, his static filter flickering with every other word. But the severity of his tone still sent a shiver down her spine.

“Charlie?” She looked over to her father, more concerned for her than anything. But seeing your face not far behind, seeing your fear, the realization hit her. She let out a weak gasp, her arm returning to normal and the chain fading into nothing but a reminder of a binding contract.

“Charlie.. What did you do?”

♡♡♡

I hope it was worth the wait! ;)

Part 5 is in the works 🙏

!Taglist!

( @vififofum / @thornwolfy235 / @tinywolfiegirl / @chipper-chip / @bat-boness / @misfitgirlwrites / @nayomi247 / @lonelynmisunderstood / @escapistoftherealworld / @b4ts1e / @hamthepan / @kyo-kyo1 / @looking1016 / @polytheatrix / @littledolly2345 / @lillianastuff / @yourlocalcryptidbee /@0strawberrysorbet0 / @themageofblood / @jayyyayaysblog / @floralsightings / @azmosposts / @8har0ley8 / @actuallyspiderwoman / @sirenetheblogger / @christineblood / @kaytemchugh / @cimadreamer / @simpdevil66 / @azmosposts / @m3ow1 / @acrazyartist / @redfoxwritesstuff / @4k1to / @meesachan / @corvusskid / @alientee /@xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx / @alon3lylov3r /@sapphireravensworld / @mjmdragons / @catticora / @the-maladaptivedaydreamer / @carrie0-1 / @shamblezzz / @cassandras-nest )

#hazbin hotel #hazbin #lucifer morningstar #lucifer hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel fandom #lucifer hazbin #lucifer magne #hazbin hotel smut #hazbin hotel fan fiction #hazbin hotel fanfic #hazbin hotel lucifer x reader #hazbin hotel lucifer #hazbin lucifer #lucifer x you #lucifer morningstar x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x you

[frozenartscapes]

Everyone’s talking about that P.O.W. line from the most recent chapter so I’m going to throw in my own (maybe crazy) theory:

It’s not about Anya’s parents. It’s about Yor’s.

Ok, hear me out: based on everyone’s ages, I would guess this takes place either just before the adults in the main story were born, or were very little. This flashback storyline seems to be taking place near the start of the war, however we shouldn’t assume that the rumoured experimentation wasn’t happening before the war started, either. So what if this experimentation wasn’t about getting a telepath, but rather a super soldier?

We know Yor lived in East Neilsberg but I don’t believe it’s been explicitly stated that her family is from there. Her mother was likely “from the South” due to her using a customary ingredient from that area in a recipe but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s from Southern Ostania. She could have come from the southern border region in Ostania/Westalis. On top of that, if either one or both parents weren’t from Ostania, it may explain why she has (supposedly) no other extended family within Ostania who could have helped her raise Yuri. No aunts or uncles, grandparents, cousins… Not even family friends or third cousins once removed. Have they all died due to the war/sickness/etc. or do they just not live in the country?

So, what if either both parents or at least just her mother were taken in as prisoners of war (either from being soldiers for Westalis or maybe even civilians from a border town swept away in the chaos). The experiments were to try and gain a Winter Soldier-esque weapon of war, and then preferably more of them to create an army. The experiments were extreme and killed most of the test subjects but Yor’s mother survived. And what if it was because she was pregnant?

She gave birth to a beautiful little girl, and then thanks to what the bastards had done to her and her motherly instincts being turned up to eleven, she breaks out with her child before they could determine if the experiments had any effect on the baby. Yor’s parents then escape to a quiet corner in the southeast of Ostania, believing it to be too risky to try to get back to Westalis. They raise their little girl with kindness and love, trying as hard as they could to give her a life free from the horrors they faced themselves. Eventually, they have a second child and all seems well. Both of their children are bright and happy and strong… Perhaps a little too strong in the case of the daughter. Even their son is more resilient than most kids. But their abilities aren’t the things that would make them the weapons those researchers wanted: it was who they were as people. And Yor is such a compassionate, innocent little girl despite her ability to bend inch-thick metal at the age of seven. And Yuri is so passionate and loving despite his ability to bounce back so quickly from broken bones.

But then they’re discovered. The parents do what they must to protect their children, and it works…but they don’t come home that night. Or the next night. Or the next.

Yor realizes what must have happened - that her parents had died while they were out running errands - and it left her in charge of the household. (And to go deeper: because their parents were trying to hide from the Ostanian government, they didn’t carry accurate identification so in the event something like this happened, officials wouldn’t be led back to their children. This is why no one discovered that there were two now-orphaned young children living alone and either forced them into a relative’s custody or an orphanage.)

And from there, we get to what we do know: Yor struggled to take care of Yuri until she was discovered by Garden. Her natural strength came in handy (but I also maintain that Shopkeeper also looks for specific personalities as well, so Yor’s unwavering bravery and her deep capacity for empathy and kindness also were key) and she was trained up to be on of the best assassins in Ostania. Garden would have done a great job in ensuring her super strength remained hidden by training her to control it better. It also would have provided the necessary cover and support to keep her and Yuri from falling into suspicion from the government.

Due to their desire to protect their children, Yor’s parents never talked about what happened to them. As far as she and Yuri are concerned, they were born in Ostania and are citizens of Ostania. (And technically that is the case for them both, although Yor’s birth certificate was forged since the scientists in the lab didn’t care enough about a baby that may not even live for very long to create one.) How they find any of this out, I’m not sure, but it opens up some interesting plot beats.

Yor would find out her strength really is unnatural, and that she’s technically a human test subject (but that would also further deepen her connection with Anya, and maybe would mean Anya would be more willing to open up to Yor if she hasn’t already). Yuri would discover that the country he’s been sacrificing so much for has not only tortured and experimented on his parents (and sister) but also is the reason they were orphaned (and all the hardships that came with that). Maybe there’s a chance then that one or both parents actually survived, and are just waiting for another conflict to be trotted out as the weapons that they are. Or there are relatives in Westalis who are more than thrilled to be reunited with their lost family.

(And this would work logically for the type of experiments these shady labs were doing: during wartime and the build up to it they would focus on things that would put them ahead of their enemy from a weapons standpoint. Focusing on boosting their armies’ capacities would be the priority at the start of the war. But toward the end, and then going into the Cold War, they would shift to intelligence-based research. Anya’s telepathy and Bond’s future sight would be more beneficial in a war of intelligence than an actual war, hence the shift toward that around the time that Anya was born. And I know Code: White isn’t technically canon but there’s a particular character in that movie that further suggests that Ostania was trying very hard to turn people into weapons.)

So yeah, that’s my theory (this became a much longer post than I first thought it would be).

#I’m actually in the middle writing a fic that explores this concept #so I may be overthinking it #spy x family #yor forger #yuri briar #theories #spy x family manga

[mj-iza-writer]

I did something extra special for my birthday, I just turned 28.... I'm getting old. Anywhoo, I went to an aquarium today and had so much fun.

Warning: mentions one main character with terminal illness, innuendo that said character is dying. Character death at end. I almost started crying writing this. I need to stop doing this to myself.... this was supposed to be happy. 😤

Whumpee watched some fish swim in a small pool.

Caretaker stood at the counter, purchasing tickets for them both.

"Is there any issues a wheelchair user should be concerned with?", Caretaker asked the cashier.

"Not really. Our facility is wheelchair friendly, except around the shipwreck area. Some of the wooden boards may be a little harder to get through", the cashier frowned, "I apologize."

"Not a problem", Caretaker smiled, "thankyou for your help and letting me know."

Caretaker walked over to Whumpee's wheelchair.

"Are you ready to go inside?", Caretaker smiled at Whumpee.

Whumpee excitedly nodded.

Caretaker saw that Whumpee's oxygen line was crooked.

"Please don't play with your oxygen line Whumpee", Caretaker adjusted it.

"Sorry, my cheek was itchy", Whumpee giggled, "I tried to fix it."

Caretaker looked over Whumpee.

Even in the warm summer heat, Whumpee was dressed in thick pants and a cozy cardigan. Their illnesses made them look like a skeleton of a person.

"Alright here we go", Caretaker unlocked the chair.

Whumpee was instantly amazed by the first room.

"Wow this is amazing", Whumpee awed.

"Look up Whumpee", Caretaker pointed.

Whumpee looked up.

A giant skeleton hung overhead.

"What is that from?", Whumpee looked back at Caretaker.

"I believe a whale or something along that line", Caretaker winked.

Whumpee nodded.

The next room was a tunnel, all sorts of fish swam along the sides and overhead.

"I can't believe I almost left this life without seeing an aquarium", Whumpee's head swiveled as they tried to see every fish they could.

Caretaker felt their heart sink.

"I know Whumpee, we will get as many adventures in before your body gives out on you", Caretaker gently rubbed Whumpee's shoulder.

Caretaker's mind drifted to their last doctor's appointment. The news wasn't great, Whumpee's illness they had been battling had turned terminal.

"Caretaker look at the shark", Whumpee pulled Caretaker from their thoughts.

"Whumpee, there's a bathroom up here, I'm gonna pop in there really quick", Caretaker turned the chair, "do you need anything?"

"Can I have my water before you go in?" Whumpee smiled, "I think I'm okay."

Caretaker handed them their water before going into the bathroom.

Whumpee had only taken a few sips when the water suddenly went down the wrong way.

Caretaker heard Whumpee start coughing and rushed to finish.

Whumpee had managed to catch their breath. They looked for their water bottle, and realized it was on the floor.

"Crap", they sighed.

Someone came by and saw Whumpee's struggle.

"Here let me get that for you", they bent and picked it up.

"Thankyou so much", Whumpee grinned.

"Are you okay. I heard you cough. It sounded pretty bad", the person questioned, "I'm a nurse, I don't mind."

Caretaker hurried out of the bathroom, "oh thank goodness", they breathed a sigh of relief, "can't leave you alone for a minute can I?"

"Water went down the wrong way", Whumpee whispered hoarsely, "they helped me pick up my bottle", Whumpee reached up to their nose, "I think I got a nose bleed from that though."

"Yep that is easy to do with your oxygen drying you out", Caretaker hurried to their bag and started pulling things out.

"Would you like some help? I'm a nurse", the person offered again.

"I appreciate it, but I think I have everything I need", Caretaker smiled, "thankyou for helping them also, I really appreciate it."

"Of course", the person turned, "I hope you feel better soon."

"Thankyou", Whumpee grinned.

Caretaker pushed Whumpee to an empty bench and set to work.

They squirted on some hand sanitizer, before sliding gloves on and sanitizing the gloves. Caretaker gently removed the oxygen chord and handed it to Whumpee.

"Hold that to your nose while I clean you up", Caretaker sighed as they pulled out some tissue.

"Not too bad Whumpee", Caretaker grinned as they finished up with the bloody nose, "you should be good to go."

"Can we sit here for a little while? These fish look cool", Whumpee looked around, then let Caretaker replace the oxygen.

Caretaker packed the care bag up then pushed Whumpee to get closer to watch the fish.

"I'll be back on that bench if you need me, just let me know when you're ready", Caretaker patted their shoulder, "don't hurry though, just enjoy this."

Caretaker quietly watched Whumpee, who was giggling at the fish. They saw the stranger from earlier in the corner of their eye.

"May I?", the nurse questioned.

"Yes absolutely", Caretaker scooted over a little.

"I know you probably can't talk much about it, but are they okay?", the nurse pointed at Whumpee, "I know it's none of my business, but they've been on my mind since I saw them earlier while you were buying the tickets."

Caretaker glanced at Whumpee before turning to the nurse, "they have been fighting an illness for a long time. Unfortunately, we just found out it is terminal", Caretaker sighed, "they don't have much longer unfortunately."

The nurse looked at Whumpee sadly, then at Caretaker.

"We are doing different adventures. As much as their body will allow at least", Caretaker sighed, "they've never been to an aquarium, so this is what we decided on today."

"Will you both be okay?", the nurse fought tears from falling. This wasn't the time for them to cry.

"We are both living each day like its their last. We are both scared for that day, but I am also scared for the next days to follow. I uh, I don't want to be alone, I don't want my dear friend to leave me. I know that sounds horrible of me. Because I don't want them to be in pain any longer. They don't deserve this. They are the kindest human you could have ever known. So full of life", Caretaker wiped away a tear, "I apologize for saying all of this to a complete stranger."

"It's okay, it's not easy to be someone's caregiver. You take on so many responsibilities, and often don't get to talk about your needs", the nurse patted Caretaker's hand, "you are doing amazing things for them though. I'm glad they have a friend like you."

Whumpee watched the fish. They didn't let on to the fact they could hear the whole conversation.

That night, Whumpee lay in bed and watched Caretaker get their monitors set up for the night.

"Caretaker?", Whumpee whispered.

"Yes Whumpee?", Caretaker looked at them with concern, "are you uncomfortable?"

"I heard your conversation earlier with the nurse", Whumpee whimpered.

"Oh you did?", Caretaker sighed, "I'm sorry."

"I-I'm sorry Caretaker, I know this has been hard on you. I'm sorry that you have to watch me die in front of you", Whumpee was almost crying.

Caretaker knelt down, "Whumpee I don't.... Whumpee I get to take care of you. It's hard yes, but I couldn't imagine letting someone else do it. It's not a chore to take care of you... I hope you know that."

Whumpee nodded, "I'm sorry still that you have to do this..... I-I don't want to die.. I don't want to leave you either", Caretaker wiped away tears from Whumpee as they spoke.

Caretaker then wiped their own tears, "it's okay Whumpee, "I know", they forced a smile, "what should we do tomorrow? Hmmm, no more talk about dying."

The night nurse came into Whumpee's bedroom and started getting ready to watch over them.

"Can we go for a walk in the park tomorrow?", Whumpee smiled at their nurse.

"Absolutely", Caretaker nodded and nudged Whumpee's cheek lovingly, "goodnight Whumpee, sleep tight."

Caretaker jumped out of bed when they heard the monitor make the sound no one in that house wanted to hear.

Caretaker raced into Whumpee's room and saw the nurse trying to get Whumpee back.

Caretaker went to Whumpee's side and grabbed Whumpee's hand.

"Whumpee come on", Caretaker cried as they buried their face into the thin hand, "we need to go to the park tomorrow."

Their thin hand was already cold.

"They're gone", Caretaker sobbed as they looked at the nurse, "they're gone."

"I'll call the ambulance", the nurse wiped away tears as they left the room.

"Whumpee", Caretaker's voice cracked, "I love you so much Whumpee."

At the hospital, the nurse had started their shift. They still had the conversation with Caretaker fresh on their mind.

Suddenly a gurney was wheeled pass.

The nurse overheard someone saying the person on the gurney needed a pronouncement of death.

The nurses heart sank as Caretaker walked in following the gurney.

Caretaker saw the nurse and nodded as they walked past.

Whumpee was pronounced dead.

Caretaker was given a private room to wait for the paperwork to be finished. They hadn't collected Whumpee yet, so Caretaker sat beside the bed and gently held Whumpee's hand.

The nurse came in in time to see Caretaker wipe their eyes on their sleeve.

Caretaker turned to see them.

"I-I'm sorry", the nurse whispered, "I am so sorry."

Caretaker nodded, "thankyou", their voice stuck in their throat, "I think they knew today was their last day. They didn't want to say it though."

The nurse nodded, "do you have anyone coming up here for you or them?"

"Yes a few friends will be up to mourn with me for a few moments. One of them is the transport for Whumpee's body."

Caretaker sighed, "we already had everything set up for when this happened, Whumpee was happy they got to pick their own casket and funeral playlist. I was always amazed they could find some humor in this."

The nurse nodded as they stepped closer, and patted Caretaker's back.

"I'm going to miss them", Caretaker smiled weakly, "they wanted to go to the park for a walk.... today I guess it's early morning. I haven't even looked at the time yet."

Some people came into the room.

"Hey Caretaker", they greeted then looked at Whumpee.

"I'll leave you to be with your friends and family", the nurse started to go.

"Thankyou for helping them earlier today, and mourning with me", Caretaker gave a small grin, "I really appreciate your caring for them."

"Yes of course", the nurse smiled weakly.

The nurse hurried to their station and started to weep.

They told some of the other nurses what had happened at the aquarium and about the deceased patient.

Friends and family surrounded Caretaker and Whumpee.

After Whumpee was taken, Caretaker decided to walk home... making sure to take a long stroll through the park.

Are you crying yet? For some light heartedness, please scroll down and enjoy some pictures from my aquarium trip.

I will not lie. The Sting Rays and Sharks were my favorite. In the video, see if you can find the sea turtle, I didn't even realize I filmed them until later. There were two sea turtles. They were both rescued and were not able to return to the wild.

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list. It's not a problem at all. @villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived @sacredwrath @porschethemermaid @monarchthefirst @generic-whumperz @bloodyandfrightened @freefallingup13 @notpeppermint @cyborg0109 @idontreallyexistyet @thebejeweledwatercat @painfulplots @whumpbump @everythingsscary @skittles-the-whumpee @expressionless-fr @theforeverdyingperson @legendarydelusiongoatee @candleshopmenace @whumpanthems @lavndvrr @ivymyers @starfields08000 @a-living-canvas

#whump community #whumplr #whumblr #whump stuff #whump writing #whump author #whump writer #whump ideas #whump scenario #whump #whumpee with illness #tw: character death #whumper #illness is the whumper #caretaking #whumpee #whumpee and caretaker #caretaker #oc #original story #aquarium trip

[widowsistersandfriends]

It's Time To Smile

Request: I’m so bad at asks sorry, but could you maybe write something for Scarlett/Florence/Lizzie (or a combo, up to you) x reader with some really gentle twords? Any ideas you’ve got are totally cool, but maybe tummy focus? Yikes sorry I’m the worst at asks but feel free to experiment!

Summary: The reader is a stunt double in the new Avengers movie and is struggling with her success in landing her stunts. Lizzie, Florence, and Scarlett know a way to cheer her up (lee!reader x ler!Scarlett x ler!Lizzie x ler!Florence)

Note: Thank you so much for this request! This is my first time writing for these three, so I hope I did okay! Hope you enjoy :)

Word Count: 1393

-----------------------------------------------------

You were working on a new role in a movie, but not the typical one people think of. You were the stunt double for Scarlett’s character Natasha in this new Avengers movie. Even though you weren’t one of the main stars or anything, you knew your role was crucial for the success of this movie.

Your athleticism and training had prepared you well for this, but that didn’t mean there weren’t any challenges. As much as you practiced, it was still difficult to land some of the stunts and you were starting to get frustrated with yourself. 

You sat alone during a break from filming, head in your hands. You were quietly whispering to yourself to get it together. While it was unlikely, you knew it was possible for them to replace you with someone better.

You were deep in your thoughts when you heard a voice.

“Y/N? Are you okay? What are you doing here all alone?” Lizzie asked, slowly approaching you.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m fine,” you said, waving her off.

“You don’t look fine,” Lizzie commented, taking a seat next to you.

You waited in silence for a bit, not knowing where to start. Lizzie knew your gears were grinding, so she gave you some time to think.

“It’s just…I don’t feel like I’m doing my job well enough,” you said with a sigh.

“Why do you think that?” Lizzie asked.

“It’s just that these stunts are really hard, but it’s my job and I can’t even do it right,” you said with frustration.

“Hey hey, it’s okay. We all know how difficult it is, and that’s exactly why we have you do them. We can do some stunts, but we can’t do them to your ability. None of us are here to judge you because you’re here to help us do what we can’t,” Lizzie comforted, while patting your back gently.

“I know, I’m just really hard on myself and I want this movie to do well,” you said, resting your chin in your hands.

“I promise you, you’ll land those stunts and we’re gonna break the box office with this movie,” Lizzie said, still rubbing your back gently.

You nodded, showing that you acknowledged what she said. 

“Do you believe me?” Lizzie asked.

You thought for a second before responding, feeling more playful now.

“I don’t know if I can trust someone who can’t do their own stunts,” you said cheekily.

“Oh you little turd! You’re not even my stunt double!” Lizzie responded, now curling her fingers to scratch and wiggle against your back.

You were caught off guard and yelped, arching your back and quickly trying to twist away from her.

“Stop!!” You pleaded weakly, backing up against the couch you were sitting on.

Suddenly, Scarlett and Florence entered the room, hearing your pleading and thinking something was wrong.

“What’s going on?” Scarlett asked, worried that you were hurt.

“Your little stunt double here was lacking some confidence, so I comforted her, but then she decided to be brat,” Lizzie said, smirking as you were squirming from her squeezing the back of your neck.

“Lehehehet mehehe gohoho,” you giggled, reaching up to remove her hands, which just gave her access to poke you in the ribs. You let out a bark of laughter before curling up into a ball.

“Wanna help me tickle her to pieces? Lizzie asked Scarlett and Florence.

“Yeah, I think she needs some cheering up right? She was sad earlier?” Florence teased, approaching you with an evil grin.

“No! Never!” You declared stubbornly, clamping your mouth closed and refusing to smile.

“Natasha 2.0, you know you’re outnumbered right?” Scarlett said, helping the other two pin you to the couch.

Florence sat on your legs and began lightly tickling your feet. You squeezed your eyes shut, bucking against them to throw them off.

“Awwww, what’s the matter, Y/N? Ticklish?” Scarlett asked, slowly rolling your shirt up.

She began to add in on the tickling, spidering her fingers up and down your sides. You let out a snort, but quickly covered it up as a cough.

“I heard that Y/N,” Scarlett said, narrowing her eyes down at you, as you avoided eye contact.

Lizzie joined in, holding your arms above your head and using one hand to tickle your armpits.

All three of them tickling you was too much to not smile, which you reluctantly broke out into one.

“AWWW there’s that smile,” Lizzie cooed. However, a smile is all they got…for now.

“We gotta find her weak spot to really make her break,” Florence commented, now getting off of your legs.

“Where’s your most ticklish spot hmm?” Scarlett asked, eyeing your torso.

“Why would I tell you that?” You asked, struggling to escape.

“Because we need to hear your precious laugh and make sure you’re all cheered up,” Lizzie said, poking around your torso.

You flinched when she poked around your stomach and quickly pushed her hands away.

“Oh? I think I found itttt,” Lizzie teased, as she brought your hands above your head again.

“Scarlett? Wanna do the honors? She’s your little mini me after all,” Lizzie suggested.

“Scarlett no!! I trusted you!” You croaked, begging her to not tickle your stomach.

“Oh I’ve so gotta see this,” Scarlett said with a grin. With that, she took her ten nails and dragged them over your soft bare stomach, making you twist and jump against the sensation.

“I’m hardly even doing anything,” Scarlett giggled.

“I knohohow buhuhut ihihit tihihickles,” you giggled, unable to hold them back.

“Oooh I hear some giggles,” Florence teased, as you blushed.

Without warning, Scarlett began to wiggle her fingers as fast as she could over any part of your stomach she could reach.

“WAHAHAIT STAHAHAP PLEHEHEASE,” you screamed, attempting to yank your arms down.

“Stop what? Tickling you? Making you laugh because you’re so extremely ticklish?” Scarlett teased, as you thrashed and jerked on the couch.

“YEHEHES STAHAHAHAP IHIHI CAHAHANT STAHAHAHAND IHIHIT,” You squealed, as she began squeezing the sides of your stomach.

You felt your eyes begin to water, so they gave you a quick break.

“Are you gonna let me go now?” You scoffed.

“Not with that attitude,” Lizzie commented, and switched spots with Scarlett. 

“Noooo plehehehease,” you begged, unable to handle much more.

“Please tickle you some more? You got it!” Lizzie said cheekily, as she bent down to blow three consecutive raspberries right over your belly button.

You screamed with laughter, eventually having it go silent.

“Wow that’s good,” Florence commented, as you rolled your eyes.

“Want some more?” Lizzie asked.

“NO! STOP I MEHEHEHEAN IHIHIT AHAHAHAHAHA,” you screamed with laughter, as she blew more raspberries all over your tummy.

“Wait, I wanna try something,” Florence said, switching spots with Lizzie.

“I promise this will be the last tickling you get,” Florence said, but you were unconvinced.

Florence slightly folded your waist band down, just enough to expose your lower stomach and waist.

You shook your head in fear, out of words to say or beg.

“Cat got your tongue?” Florence asked, before using her two index fingers to scratch away at your waist, causing you to twitch and jolt every which way, while you begged for her to stop through your laughter.

“Two fingers is all it takes? That’s insane,” Florence commented, as she now spidered all over your lower tummy.

“MEHEHERCY OHOH MY GOHOHOD,” you cried, struggling to get any more words out.

“Oh alright, you’ve had enough,” Florence said, and got off of you.

The three girls helped you sit up and got you a cold cup of water.

“Feel better?” Scarlett asked.

“From being sad or the tickling?” You asked.

“Both,” the three of them all responded.

“I do,” you said with a smile.

“Even if it was torture for you?” Lizzie teased.

“It wasn’t even that bad,” you said, trying to play tough.

“Really? Do we need to remind you how ticklish your stomach is?” Scarlett asked, as you quickly said no and jumped away from them, leading to lots of laughs at your expense.

You guys eventually resumed filming for the day. Maybe there was magic in those tickles, or the threat of them, but you were able to master every stunt you did that day and the movie ended up being a big success.

#marvel tickle #mcu tickle #scarlett johansson #lizzie olsen #florence pugh #ticklish!reader #lee!reader #ler!florence #ler!scarlett #ler!lizzie #tickle fic #marvel fanfiction #marvel tickle fic #mcu #marvel #Florence x reader #florence pugh x reader #florence pugh x y/n #y/n #scarlett x reader #Lizzie x reader #elizabeth olsen

[leptonyx-constellate]

this is really only a small point in the end, but like... the first thing that made us solidly go "nope!" about the idea of a school for plurals was the mention of everyone having a badge connected to simplyplural that would show the current fronter.

like, not even going into the personal part, our first point is: who would manage the simplyplural account, first of all? taking us, for example, doing shit on our phone is incredibly difficult and overwhelming. there's a reason why we don't answer 90% of asks we get (on this blog, on the plurillean-confessions blog, etc) on our phone, and as far as we can tell, simplyplural is primarily a mobile app (actually, we're trying to register on the web, and it just straight up is not working--either it tells us that our password isn't valid even though it is, or it gets stuck in a loading loop). and there's probably folks who would struggle to manage a simplyplural themselves in general, regardless of where it was.

okay, so, then who would manage the account if the person it's for can't? we sure as hell wouldn't trust someone else to manage something that's so personal, let alone someone who is meant to be an authority figure, so that puts staff entirely out of the picture if you're trying to make this a safe and comfortable place. and of course, there's every chance that whoever is chosen to manage the simplyplural just... won't listen to the system in question. won't add new members the system says are there for whatever reason, won't change pronouns or apeparances, etc.

alright. alrightalrightalright. put managing it to the side. let's talk about the display of who's fronting, right? two problems i can immediately foresee:

(1a) privacy. this is immediately a huge concern for privacy, say for headmates who want to log themselves fronting, but don't want other people to know they're there. for a while, one of our headmates (Mimic) used a completely different pk proxy while talking in certain servers because it was worried that, if people knew who it was, they would immediately run it out of the place.

(2a) multiple fronters at once. unless this badge is huge or the text or whatever else is on there is tiny, how are you going to manage multiple fronters? multiple badges? okay, how many badges is the maximum? because, for example, when Wolf fronts, all of us are always there. so that's immediately 6 people. and usually, there's more than just Wolf. often, other folks such as Arratay, Parrot, and Lewis are around. that's 9 people all fronting at once. how are you going to deal with that?

and (2b) hey, the whole point of showing who's fronting is to show who is talking, right? what about in cases where someone blips in for a few seconds to add in a random comment before leaving? what if this regularly happens to the point where it could get confusing about who said what unless someone shows up on the badge (like with us, where mentioning a certain headmate or something they're interested in will get their attention, and they'll often send in a quick "hi" or a short (or long) infodump about whatever we're talking about before promptly leaving)?

oh, and not to mention (2c + 1b) what about headmates who front a lot because of something, but don't talk? if they're fronting, they'd supposedly show on the badge, but it wouldn't be them talking. some months ago, we joined a server for a game that was a special interest of Guppy's, and ze would pretty much be in front every time we were playing the game or engaging with the server. note: ze never said a single word, ze always had someone else talking for hir because ze was too anxious to talk to people and let people know ze was there.

and then, of course (2d) what about systems who are almost constantly blurry? who often have multiple headmates fronting at once, but when they're fronting, it's basically just thoughts-and-feelings soup that can't easily be separated into "headmate 1" and "headmate 2"? or systems that struggle to figure out who specifically is fronting for one reason or another? what then?

i don't know. maybe it's just us, but that comment was the very first thing that really put us off. (and then, of course, followed by the whole "ooo it's an experiment!" thing.) that was the thing that immediately put a sour taste in our mouth. it's small potatoes compared to... everything else, but we were really put off by it (and we're honestly surprised nobody else has said anything about it).

#original posts #we're not main tagging this one just because this is mostly just a thought spill (and we don't want to risk getting into any arguments) #but it's perfectly fine to reblog if you want

[queen-seren]

A Laurance Zvahl Character Study

Just a fun Laurance study I slapped together of his life before becoming a Shadow Knight, the final section being a sort of a optional ending, as I thought up the scene and really wanted to include it.

Please enjoy!

Dissension

“Do you have a dream?” 

It’s dark, nothing but the cold light of the moon peeking through the pulled back curtains along each of the windows lining the large room. The slow, rhythmic breathing of the other sleeping children is the only sound that fills the silence that lurks between me and my bedmate.

I tread that fine line just on the cusp of sleep, yet my mind entirely too busy to finally catch some shut eye. 

“We all do.” I whisper in response, peeking my eyes open to peer at the girl next to me, her name entirely lost to time. I can hardly make out her face, only a lone, disjointed voice in the depths of my memory. There are too many orphans to keep track of, so many that we often share beds to accommodate.

The younger ones don’t mind it so much, thinking it to be an eternal slumber party. Little are they aware of how sick you can start to feel of it the more the time goes by. But, whatever. It's likely they’ll be adopted long before they can feel the discomfort—the restlessness of it all begin to seep in. Before the grounds of the orphanage engrave themselves on the back of your palm, like a branding that never quite leaves.

This girl is young, easy enough to tell by the way she slurs her words and that sweet, high pitch of her voice. I can’t help but wonder what’s kept her awake this long.

“But, do you?”

“Of course I do.” I answer easily, knowing too well what to say. “What’s yours?”

“Mine?”

“Yes. Yours.”

“I… I want a family.” 

Isn’t that always the case? Ask any orphan around the place, and surely enough you can piece together their answers, just to find that their wants meet back in the same place where it all began. A longing for what was taken from them so young—a lone call in the dark starless night. A frightening notion that we will always be alone.

She’ll likely find her family soon. And if she doesn’t, then she’s welcome to join the club. She’ll find she’s met with whispered gossip amongst the workers, and worry that is useless in meaning. He seems so grown for his age. Do you think he’ll be here until he’s an adult? All in good nature, I’m sure. Doesn’t seem to sting anyless, though.

“You have one right here.” The words find me, spoken so often on my tongue that I’m beginning to imagine they have a flavour—something bittersweet. No matter how many times I say it, I struggle to believe it myself. Perhaps, that's merely a testament to my selfish way of life.

“You really think so?”

Clever girl. She sees right through me.

“Of course.” I turn on my side to face her properly, just barely able to make out the curve of her large, doll-like eyes in the dark. I reach out a hand, estimating where the top of her head is before I pat gently at her hair. “We’re all family here.”

“What about your dream?” Sleep seems to overtake her words, exhaustion finally catching up to her.

I pause—sucking in a deep breath through my nose, slow and steady. The truth sits itself in the palette of my mouth, stuck, never able to quite find the right words to capture every emotion that locks itself away in the facade of a warm expression and a stupid smirk.

Even if it's only a small girl asking it of me, likely to forget my response by morning.

“What I want..?” I repeat softly, as if to remind myself what the word dream entails. To be an orphan is to be a dreamer, the two seem to go hand in hand. A dream is nothing more than a want that seems so out of reach, that you feel the need to kiss it into shooting stars, and hope Irene herself hears it. 

I want a family too.

“I want you to sleep.” I chuckle, tugging the girl into a warm embrace, hoping to lull her off. She doesn’t fight it much, snuggling up and getting comfortable before murmuring out one final time as her breathing slows.

“I hope… You find one too.”

I spend the night staring at the wall behind her—sleepless. Rolling her words over in my head again and again, as if there were another way to read them.

There isn’t.

By morning, I find myself being adopted.

—

“Cadenza! Don’t just run off like that!” 

The summer heat of Meteli is sweltering, sun glaring down on my shoulders as I pant, attempting to catch up to the girl who is so fond of scurrying about. The air is always thick when the heat picks up, a trait that comes with the village being situated in the marsh. The adults tend to complain the most, no good solution in place to the stench that tends to radiate off of the murky waters, and the cry of the cicadas at night when summer hits its peak—but the children can’t be bothered, taking the first chance they can to sink into the cool waters of the river hidden just down a cobblestone pathway behind the village.

“It’s not my fault you’re too slow, Laurance!” She giggles, hands grabbing at her dress, tugging it upwards as her feet dip into the running water. From behind, she’s nothing but a head of fiery red hair, curly and frizzy amongst the humid weather.

“You’re older than me, you know?” I whine, sweeping back brown hair doused in sweat. “I’ve been training all day too.” 

“You’re really becoming a guard?” By now, she’s found herself a spot to sit, keeping her dress perfectly dry with her feet submerged underneath the waters. Irene forbids she ever get her clothes dirty.

A wooden sword fills the scabbard at my side, just having started training as a guard. An idea that still perplexes me. As if picking up a blade was nothing more than a thoughtless task, perhaps I really am just bored. I had started practising on my own in secret, having snatched up a sword from the rack in Joh’s home, thinking he’d never notice one gone from the plethora he’d amassed. Still, to trick a Lord was a difficult task. To trick your own father, an even greater one. It didn’t take long before he caught me swinging at nothing in a small clearing in the forest, arms too weak and wobbly to properly hold the sword I had chosen.

Of course—a few slaps on the wrist were expected. 

"A real sword?" My adoptive father questioned incredulously, and all I could do was sheepishly grin back up at him before I received nothing more than an admonishing sigh. “Boy, tell me. Why do you swing this sword?” Joh held the polished blade in his own hands, keeping it from my reach as he towered over me. He gripped it with a practised hand, always ready to pick it up and fight, to defend himself. Yet, his posture was always relaxed—too relaxed. Perhaps, that was what made him most intimidating. 

To grow the son of a Lord, I had learned two things. 

One, the role of a Lord is vital to the village. They are who keep the village alive, and running. Without a Lord, a week is all it would take for a village to descend into disarray.

Two, the role of a Lord is minacious. Nothing more than sitting cattle should they let their guard down. Lords tend to cycle in and out rather quickly, never staying the same for too long in smaller villages that dot the outskirts on the eastern coast of Ru’an. A Lord’s life is always in danger.

“I want to protect everyone,” I answered with what I thought he’d want to hear. 

“You cannot protect everyone if you are a guard. Who will you point your sword on then?”

“I…” Warmth bloomed across my face as I glanced away from his gaze. The truth was simple, yet it seemed too selfish to speak aloud. Yet, my adoptive fathers gaze burned into me, neither of us would leave before he received that answer.

“Who is it you wish to protect?” Joh questioned once more in a sharp and steel-edged manner that I’ve only ever seen him use with the trained guards straight out of the academy, bowing their knees and requesting to become his soldier.

“Um…” I sputtered, “Innocent people?”

There was a moment of pause—and it was times like those where I could never quite read what was going through his head. His gaze lingered on me, as if to peel away at me, to unveil my truths and lay them bare himself. For I was an orphaned child, trust would never come easily. Even to the man I called father. The truth would always find itself stuck between my teeth, thicker than the sweet taffy that Cadenza snuck from her fathers home and shared with me.

Joh knew this.

“Try again.”

“Huh?”

“Your answer isn’t sufficient enough.”

“But I—!”

“Then come back to me when you have a better one.” Joh turned his back, blade in hand as he began his march back down the path he came. With a pause, and his back facing me, he spoke once more. “For now, use the training swords in the guard house.”

Not sufficient enough…?

I struggled for a few moments to wrap my head around the implications of his remark. Mulling over his question, I began to frown. Swept beneath a rug—not good enough. It irked me, made my blood boil beneath my skin as his words ran me for loops, as if spoken in a foreign tongue.

“—rance… Laurance!”

Cadenza’s calls tear me from the thoughts I hadn’t realised I had gotten entirely lost in. She glares at me, expectantly—Cadenza hates being ignored. Perhaps, it came with her upbringing, cherished and coddled by Hayden. Of course, the reason she sought out my company of all people was due to our similarities. Her and I both orphaned and adopted, many of the other children would never understand the severance it brought with it. That thick, heavy feeling that plagues us at night, urging us that we ought to grip our blankets tighter should we wake up in another bed by morning.

“What were you asking?”

“Seriously? I asked if you’re really becoming a guard.” She frowns at me, and perhaps a part of that frown is her worrying over my safety. She really should look after herself—a flower of a young girl. She’s likely to be sought after endlessly once she’s of age. 

I shrug, kicking off my own leather shoes as I approach the river bed. “Probably.” I respond, sinking my feet into the cold water, holding back a shiver that dares to creep up my spine. “Then I’ll be able to protect you.”

“So romantic, Laurance.” She rolls her eyes, but a smile dances on her lips. “The ladies will surely love you if you keep that up.” She’s clearly teasing, but it pulls a bright smile onto my face, unsure how else to respond.

“I’ll be a heartbreaker before you know it.” I continue the bit, hands dipping into the water and launching some at her—only for her to shriek as it hits her.

“Ugh! My dress!” She moans, thoroughly drenched as she hastily stands from her spot to follow him deeper into the river. Clumsily, mind you. Almost slipping on the rocky stones beneath their feet. “You’re such a ladies man!” She returns the favour, dousing me generously.

This version of Cadenza is my favourite. Broken free from her expectations of a dainty little girl, staying docile and pretty in hopes to find her place in the home that Hayden has provided her. She seems to forget just how much the man cherishes her, losing this spark whenever she roams the village. Happy, free and feral. It's a look that suits her. I can only hope that she will one day learn to embrace this side of herself. 

I laugh and laugh. Soaking from head to toe, the wind is cool against my skin, but the sun is burning overhead. Her laughter reaches my ears as well as I toss more water in her direction. I never want this moment to end.

Joh's remark from earlier lingers.

“Boy, tell me. Why do you swing this sword?”

A reason? Yes, I suppose everyone has a reason for what they do. I must as well.

It's later that night that I approach Joh, having finally understood his question. He seems to know what I’ll say—a newfound resolve found in the stride of my walk as I enter the Lord's house.

He asks again.

“What do you wish to protect?”

I answer something along the lines.

Moments like these. 

I wish to protect this family of mine.

—

“Easy now…”

A low sound rumbles in the beast's throat, wounded and abandoned in the forest behind Joh's home. Its eyes dark as coal but deadly, ready to bite my head off my shoulders dare I take a step too close. 

Alas, this is no ordinary beast. Anyone would only need one glance to know this creature is otherworldly, covered in golden scales. With its long snout that holds sharp teeth, baring them in my direction. But, the trail of blue blood dotting the grass up to its spot is indication enough that it's injured. It seeps from one of its large wings, left unfolded against its side, likely stinging with an aching pain at every unnecessary movement.

A wyvern.

It's said that none have been spotted for hundreds of years, yet here is one in my own father's backyard.

Its black, beady eyes burn holes into me as I slowly take a step closer, and then another—gently, gently, gently so as to not scare it. As if approaching a wounded dog, although, this creature would do much more than any dog could ever.

“Let me help you.” I speak in the softest tone I can muster, wondering if it even understands my words. I reach into my satchel, pulling out the lunch Cadenza had handed me earlier, chiding me for practising all day without any food on me. It's a sandwich, not much really, but it's a peace offering I give, holding it out to the wyvern with a steady hand.

It observes me for a second, the low trill of its growl dying out for a moment as its large eyes stare down at my hand. 

Until it turns its snout to my lunch.

“No good?” I chuckle, wrapping the sandwich back up and placing it back in my bag. Still, even without the food, its demeanour has shifted. It seems a bit calmer, sniffing at the wound on its wing before snapping its attention back to me the moment I attempt to take another step closer. My heart crashes against my ribs, nervous down to the tips of my fingers where they buzz with life.

For a moment, I’m reminded of the time Cadenza chastised me for being oh so horrible at dealing with stray cats around the village.

“Like this,” She had sighed, taking my hand herself and holding it out towards the cat. “It will come to you when it's ready.” I had stared at her for a few moments, her own eyes trained on the cat in front of us. And yet, before I knew it, I felt a small tickle against my skin as it had begun to rub its face against my hand.

I wondered, if perhaps, I too were like a stray cat in her eyes. If she had used such tactics when drawing me in and tearing away at the walls I had placed between myself and everyone else once I had been adopted. Always a hot head, I was stubborn, lonely—afraid. Perhaps she saw a bit of me in every stray she beckoned, and even a bit of herself as well.

I find myself absentmindedly following her advice once more, reaching out my hand with a twinge of hesitance. Realistically, I’m nothing more than prey in this moment, pinned down beneath the heavy, deep black of its eyes. Pits in its skull, as vast as the space between stars that splatter the night sky—attempting to drag me in. Still, I dare not look away. Our eyes meet, still as the surface of a lake, hard as crystalline diamond.

I suck in a deep breath, and wait.

It waits too.

We wait and wait until my arm begins to grow tired, and I find myself wanting to laugh at how foolish I surely look. And it's only when I close my eyes for the slightest of moments, the glare of the sun becoming a bit too overwhelming, do I feel cold scales brush against the skin of my palm.

my heart reaches my throat, thrumming wildly as the beast presses its snout further into my palm, quiet—submissive. At least, that's what I assume until I open my eyes to meet its gaze once more, audacious and cautious. Ever so familiar, it's a look I once held in my own eyes—still do. 

Wordlessly, it speaks to me—snagging onto a bit of my soul.

You and I are the same.

His name is Ungrth.

—

Sasha sinks into the magma before my own eyes, her face frozen in an indescribable agony that surely rips across her entire body, burning her down to the bone—and then some.

All I can do is stare for a few baffled moments, the sword at my side so new I can still hear the rhythmic clang of the blacksmith hammering it down into a blade. The air of The Nether is impossible to breathe, sweltering heat practically melting my armour off. My heart pounds against the drums of my ears, head on the verge of bursting.

I’m petrified.

As if it were my own life flashing before my eyes, my mind wanders. It wanders and wonders, back to a time where Sasha had slapped me across the back the moment I had returned to Meteli from the guard academy, dragging me into my first night shift with her down by the docks.

“Are you ready?” She questioned, her eyes trained on the lone moon. Its light fit her complexion nicely, she had always been a beauty of the village. Hair as pale as porcelain, eyes as deep as obsidian. Steady, calm, but ever elusive. 

"For what?" I responded.

She looked at me, knowingly with a gentle smile. She knew I had the answer, competent as I was. So, she refused to respond, instead, holding her hand out for a moment towards the moon, a golden band adorning her ring finger. A pledge of love.

She would marry her fiance soon. 

Her question resonated once more in my head as I stared down at the calm waters.

Are you ready?

Or, perhaps.

Are you willing to put your life at stake?

“Go!” She cries at me, her voice mangled and raw—attempting to rouse me from my stupor. It takes Ulrich grabbing me by the arm and dragging me away from the sight before my legs find feeling once more and sputter to a momentary stop.

“No! We can’t just—”

“She’s gone.” He reasons sharply and pulls at me until I give, not an ounce of emotion in his voice. Yet the set of his face says a thousand words. He had watched her grow as a young girl. He would be the first to break the news to her fiance.

Sasha’s groans of agony reach the cusp of my ears, and the purple firmament of the portal barely brushes my nose. Ulrich tugs me past the film, and I snap my head back to glance at her one final time.

A figure cloaked in red stares down at her writhing form, nothing but a head of black hair from what my eyes see. 

Until the world yawns back into existence.

—

“You want me to dye your hair?”

The wound of Joh’s death still lingers in the pit of my chest, festering and bubbling into an unending black maw that drains and drains. I feel an ache in the same spot the arrow had pierced him, as if the tip had shattered and taken root in the centre of my own heart.

It’s my fault.

“Yeah, just… Do whatever you want with it.” I glance up at Cadenza, sitting down on my bed. Surely, she sees the bags under my eyes, yet she says nothing, only looking at me similarly as she did the day we returned from The Nether without Sasha. She reaches into her own deerskin purse, pulling out a small wooden comb she’s kept on her as long as we’ve known each other—a keepsake from her mother's vanity before she was orphaned.

She sits herself down on the bed next to me, reaching for my unabashedly dishevelled hair. I haven’t brushed it since—

“Do you want to cut it?” Cadenza hums, beginning to work her way through the knots in my hair. It's moments like these where she feels like the mother I’ve never had. Yet, it's bold to call her such with no point of reference—so instead she remains my sister, even if not by blood. She has no qualms in the matter.

“No…” My eyes trail down to where my hair ends at top of my chest, I hardly remember why I grew it out so long in the first place. It must have been cut last on the day I left for the guard academy. Joh had sat me down with a pair of scissors and snipped it off himself. One of the few moments I can recall him being something of a true father. 

The memories ache like bruised skin, a feeling not unfamiliar, stinging more the further I press on them.

We sit in silence for a few moments, nothing but the sound of her comb, occasionally catching on a knot where she gently tugs at it until it comes free.

“So, what will you do?”

“I told you, do whatever you—”

“Not that. You know that’s not what I’m talking about.” 

I bite at my bottom lip, brows setting in harsh lines against my forehead.

“It's not your fault.”

But, her reassurance means nothing. Not when I had sworn to protect him. The Lord of Meteli. The man who had adopted me. My father.

“Then who am I meant to blame?” My voice catches with emotion, agony—longing. A wish to turn back time that will never be fulfilled. “I’m not fit to be anyone's guard. Not even yours.”

“Nonsense.” Her hand pauses for a moment, and her tone finds a sternness she rarely takes with me, “You are one of the most capable guards in this land, Laurance. But, you are only human.”

Only human…

“Must I become something inhumane then to finally feel like I’m enough again?” The weight of my words fracture me like glass, scattered down to the depths of my soul. Yet, they are better spoken and set free than left to decay me any further.

“No, Laurance…” I can hear the frown in her voice as she reaches to hug me close to her chest from behind. Cadenza doesn’t say anything else for a long while, but I somehow know the sentiment that echoes in her mind.

You will always be enough for me.

—

Aphmau… Aph-ma-u… The name seems to linger on my tongue as she walks towards Hayden's home. Something about it is uncanny, in the same sense that water does not flow upwards, nor does your reflection wear a different expression than your own.

She seems ambitious enough, beautiful in a way I can’t quite place. It's not the slope of her nose, nor the shape of her eyes that draws me in. No, not even the plump of her lips. It's her entirety that's alluring in a way I almost want to describe as otherworldly—unnatural. All this I’m aware of, yet I have fallen still.

Enough so to make a blundering fool of myself with nothing but un-noteworthy words of grandiose and corny invitations to dinner. It is all I know to do, a familiar face I’ve adorned when speaking to women of the village. No one likes someone who is too pushy. It's the best I can do to avoid their machinations.

I want to study her, want to know what draws me towards her like no one else ever has. Peel away at her for as long as she allows me to—which doesn’t seem to be very much—just so I can find the root of this feeling festering in my chest. For her countenance is entirely ordinary, yet I have become a moth to a flame—for she is like the sun.

She returns the next day, tension high in the village, my own mind spinning circles around the disappearance of Cadenza. I cannot move from my post, fearing Kenmur and Hayden may rip each other's heads off should I leave, already at eachothers throats attempting to claim the position of Lord—Cadenza’s absence only adding fuel to their fire. So, Aphmau is something of a godsend when she agrees to search for Cadenza in my place.

One of many favours I will be indebted to her for.

—

Okay, okay…This isn’t good. 

Scratch that.

This is awful.

The smell of The Nether, charred and burnt—brings back enough memories to turn my stomach—yet the urgency of the moment wills me to push forward. Now is no time to freeze up, not like last time.

I just need to get Cadenza and leave.

Sasha…Sasha, she’s alive somehow. Or is alive even the right word to use? I saw her with my own two eyes in Pheonix Drop. Yet, mere moments ago I had passed the spot she had sunken into the magma on that fateful day. Tried my best not to stare at it, a battle both in front and behind us, Aphmau’s voice beckoning for my help (she hardly even needed me), but I stuttered only for a moment to glance. 

Surely enough, there was nothing to see but bubbling lava.

“Go, Aphmau! You need to leave!” I urge her—the spectre of The Shadow Lord pounding against the barrier Castor had quickly scrambled together.

“What?! I can't leave you here, Laurance!”

“Take Cadenza and leave! Now!”

Castor, of course, grabs Aphmau by the arm and begins to drag her down the stairs in which we came, Cadenza in hand. I just need to buy them some time, and then I’ll make an escape—surely. 

I wonder how Sasha felt in her final moments as the lot of us sprinted to the portal, leaving her behind. She was already gone, I know, but I’ve spent nights mulling over the image. Her figure haunts me in my darkest dreams, cold, dead, ghastly fingers gripping at my shoulder, alongside Joh. A reminder of the weight on my back. The duty I serve.

 So, this is the least I can do, right? The highest honour a guard can receive is to sacrifice themself. Well, that's what I was always told at the academy. Battered and bruised every morning and every night, they’d remind me what I’m fighting for. What they believed I was fighting for. The guard academy never questioned its students why they were there, everyone had a reason. All they assumed is that you’d chase honour just as the rest do. To a guard, there is nothing more important. Whether or not I fully agree with it… Whatever, surely now isn’t the time to dwell on it.

I can hardly breathe by the time I escape the fortress, the heat cooking me from the inside out. A group of mindless Shadow Knights skirt along my heels as I push past what my body deems capable in a full sprint towards the portal, and soon enough it comes into sight.

I made it. I—freeze to a halt at the sight of another man by the portal. His eyes are a striking green, much like my own, and I can almost make out something of an apology in them as he reaches to tamper with the purple warp that would guide me back home.

“What are you…”

It shatters. It shatters into a million pieces, as if it were the thinnest glass tempered. The portal lays there bare and empty, my exit gone.

Something within me fractures—slowly, at first. So slow, until I begin to feel the gaps between myself as if they were beneath my own fingertips, hardly noticing that I’ve been dragged off away from the portal, back into the fortress.

…

It’s difficult to piece together the moments of lucidity from that point on. I taste nothing but blood in the back of my throat, as pain finds its way onto every inch of my skin, stinging—burning. They bleed me out onto the warm, deep red floors of the fortress, and my mind begins to wonder where my blood ends and the ground begins in flash seconds of clarity. It's a miracle my heart still beats.

The fractures widen.

Sasha visits me in the prison alongside another man, my eyes bleary and mind disjointed. I can’t piece together how long I’ve been here for, how long they’ve tormented me.

“Just get it over with, Gene.” She glares at the man next to her, Gene, and he smirks.

“What? Can’t stand to see him this way, Sasha? Feeling sentimental?”

“No.” She retorts, jangling a key in her hand which presumably will open the door to my cell. “His blood is stinking up the place.”

“Do it yourself then.” 

She scowls, unlocking the door to the cell and waltzing in. I’d move if possible, but more bones in my body are broken than I can still count. So, I simply stare at her. Watch her every move with sluggish eyes. Whisper her name in a broken plea. As if she were the Lady Irene herself—I beg for salvation.

She doesn’t seem to hear it, or perhaps, she doesn’t care to.

She pulls me up from my slump by the hair, taking a moment to glance me up and down before a bemused smirk finds her lips.

“You look awful.” It’s difficult to tell whether she’s talking about the orange hair, or the countless gashes across my skin.

I muster enough energy to spit blood at her face, leading her to recoil and drop me back onto the floor. My mind howls, yet my lips barely twitch.

“What? Wanted to look a little bit more like Cadenza?” She snickers in disgust, wiping my blood and spit from her cheek before digging her shoe into an open wound on my thigh. “Mommy can’t save you now, Laurance.”

No matter if this woman wears her face, this isn't the Sasha I once knew.

Further and further apart, the space between the shards reflect back a darkness in me I never knew.

"Shall we proceed then?" Gene questions from behind her, and Sasha takes a step to the side, generously lifting her foot off my wound, to allow him passage. "Looks like you won't hold out much longer if we just leave you here."

He crouches down to meet my gaze, and what I had assumed were black pits for eyes reveal themselves to be a deep, cerulean blue. For a moment, bleeding in sepia, I imagine myself back by the docks in Meteli. The fresh air, and the scent of salt wafting along the wind and through my hair. Reminded of the cool stream of the riverbed, Cadenza's figure perched along the grass, toes dipped in the water. I take in a deep breath—suffocated by the heavy, hot atmosphere of The Nether.

"Let me ask you, Laurance, why did you become a guard?" Gene questions, a menacing, blood tinged greatsword in his hand. The tip of the blade rests against my chest, right above my heart.

Every nerve in my body lurches, begging me to move. I can't.

"What's it… To you?" I muster out, voice hoarse, throat torn and dry.

"Just thought a reminder would be nice."

I stare at him for a few moments, perplexed. Until something about my gaze is so hilarious that he can't stop himself from laughing.

"Oh, no, not for me." He grins, "You're the one that's going to need it."

It's nothing but a moment of sharp pressure against my skin before the blade wedges itself into the centre of my heart.

And it stops.

What was once whole now shatters, two sides of one mirror—split apart. A few lone pieces scatter off into the abyss, memories and fondness that will never return, forever lost. The nothingness seeps in to fill the gaps, and the world itself is rendered to an absolute—agonising, euphoric and finite. The corporeal slips away, and the mind splinters down to the soul. A severance so deep that it cuts through the ligaments, separating the body from the spirit. All to make room for a new found darkness in the hollow space where the heart lies caged between the ribs.

And it starts.

Your body feels wrong. Every inch of your skin, every bone beneath. Every cell in your blood, every beat of your own chest. Its rhythm is wrong—you are wrong. 

“Do you have a dream?”

So, so many. Yet they’re nothing but blank canvases once you glance back at them.

“Boy, tell me. Why do you swing this sword?”

You… You can't seem to remember.

"Are you ready?"

Have you ever been? Knowing this would be your fate, what answer would you have given her then?

“Must I become something inhumane then to finally feel like I’m enough again?”

How ironic to think back to that in such a moment. You have always been the nostalgic sort. But, most cruelly, a lone voice swims in the pits of your mind, so familiar, so soothing. Her voice that of a swan song. She sings her response which you never heard to begin with.

"You will always be enough for me."

Cadenza is safe, far far away from The Nether. For that, you may at least be proud of yourself.

Ah, right… That is why you swing your sword. To keep her smiling in every shining memory. Protecting your loved ones, a task you deemed to be ever so noble as a small child. To covet those moments, safely locked away in the soft spot of your heart. 

Cadenza… Aphmau… The prospect of her alluring beauty somehow a guiding light in your disembodied mind. A lone dove in the darkness, a white, pure feather. Ethereal, delicate—intangible.

She would be prettiest pierced by the edge of your own blade.

.

.

.

Rest. 

For this is only the beginning of your neverending strife.

—

(Time passes. 

So much time passes. 

You hardly recognize the person you started as before the entire journey began.

The world has shifted fifteen years. The trails you ran along as an orphaned boy now grown over and forgotten, the river you played in now dry, only its husk remaining. The town you once called home now a desolate ghost—an inconsolable wasteland of your once cherished memories.

Yet, you struggle to cherish them the same as you once had all those years ago.

So when Aphmau (Irene bless her lost soul) approaches you, asking for your advice in this war as she had done so before, you no longer have the words that will solve her issues. Not a single solution finds your tongue—for you are a wanderer, a mere rabid dog, leashed by devotion, just itching to bite. 

The gaps you feel within yourself never seem to close up, no matter what you do.

All you can tell her is that you have no clue what this war will bring, and what devastation it will cause, but that it can only end in bloodshed.

Anxious, always on the tips of her toes, and eyes constantly over her own shoulder, her weariness begins to bleed in. She's exhausted, she dares not admit it—yet her eyes will never lie to you. 

She asks you why war seems to always follow her.

You tell her that war will always wage, no matter where she goes or where she looks. Should she eradicate every threat that taints this land, there are other wars to worry of.

"Where?" She questions.

However, her face shifts in a painful understanding before you can even utter a word.

She seems to have found the answer herself.)

#laurance zvahl #mcd laurance #aphmau mcd #aphmau #minecraft diaries #aphverse #cadenza mcd

[felizusnavidad]

Ha! A nickname? Cute idea! From now on, I'll end my message with the daisy emoji since that's my middle name and use pops of green in the message.

It absolutely does feel good to be told that! Not to get too side-tracked, but I actually took a break last summer from the boutique because I got a job offer at a startup cosmetics store. I realized pretty quick that that industry wasn't for me lol. It's a great company and I love all the brands as well as products the company carries, though! When I broke the news to my parents, instead of being supportive and saying the things like you said, they just got onto me and was like "Do you even have a job lined up?" and "Why?" Another reason was my mental health was declining, which shocked me, and I now know that one reason was because we had to wear solid black. I love dressing up! Anyways, I swear they just made me feel bad about quitting, but I still did two weeks left because I wanted to (and did) end on good terms with my manager and the company. Irrelevant fun fact: She was actually my manager for this boutique at another location closer to my city in 2022 after I transferred there in March! All of that is a different story lol.

AANNYYWAYSSSS,

I called the manager I used to work with at this boutique in the city we both started in together in 2021, asking if she still needed an assistant manager, and she did, so I went back there in September last year. I love the company and everyone I've worked with from 2021 up to now, but, like I said, it's just boring for me (especially since because I love the arts and creativity) and there's not growth beyond assistant manager. I can become a manager, but there's no telling when that would be. And to be honest, I don't want to wait around any longer to find out. For good. Moving out will change my life and most definitely make me happier. I was on my own in college (I hated where I went!) for 4 years and I LOVED it. I loved and now miss being independent. I am both and introvert and extrovert lol. I want to have holiday parties at my own place!! I'm open to moving to a new city New York or Los Angeles, or even Paris or France (especially considering my bachelor's degree and now master's).

Once again, you're amazing, and thank you so much!! And yes, this will be our year!! I'll keep you posted!!

~🌼

great! so from now on i'll be using a special tag for your asks, so it's easier for you to find my answers (i'm not posting much these days anyway but still i like to keep things organized here 🤭). daisy anon it is! (cute btw!)

see, this is the thing about parents: i feel like they don't really care about your happiness as much as they do about you just doing things right... (not ALL parents, i'm sure some are actually supportive, but i get it cause my mom is the same kind of person lol). it may look like they are trying to force you to do all the things you don't want to do & they think they know exactly what is best for you, when in reality they know shit. i've always felt like the biggest failure because i refused to do exactly what my mom wanted for me (this is the main reason why i moved to the other side of the country lol). it's good that you tried something else tho, at least you know now that it's definitely not for you! but i suggest moving out as quickly as you can, you don't need anyone to tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself.

like i said before, it's amazing that you want to aim higher. you know exactly what you want from life & you're working very hard to get it. also, i think maybe moving out to a different city would actually help you find a decent job? honestly, living in new york sounds like a dream... (i've never been there but i'm dying to go visit one day). paris on the other hand? one of the most beautiful places on earth. if i were you & i had this opportunity to move there, i wouldn't even have to think twice! like i said before, sometimes you have to take that risk. no one says it's gonna be easy, but damn it might be worth it, you'll never find out if you don't try!

& ngl, your stories are actually very inspiring for me & i started thinking about my life and what i can do to change it & just... simply find my happiness. much to think about.

#i don't know #there is something very therapeutic in it #knowing that we are all struggling with something but we are not alone #& we should constantly inspire each other to do better #idk #does it even make any sense? it does in my head #daisy anon #i saved every letter you wrote me*

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Get Their Ass.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jin ling #jin chan #Yeah that's right. This guy is a named character. All those nameless disciples in the yi city arc and *this* guy gets a name. #Jin ling finally gets his much needed outfit upgrade! Rest in peace double straps. #I adore how we get to keep learning about Jin Ling and peeling back the layers on him...It's also so sad to see him so alone and friendless #especially knowing he really was starting to build peer friendships in the yi city arc... #Jin ling really is one of my top 5 characters in MDZS and its absolutely in part because of how you can *see* how he ended up this way #and we watch him learn and grow! He's doing what most adults refuse to do: Consider that his opinions are skewed and need to change. #You are NOT immune to propaganda and I adore characters who reflect and struggle with that! #Just because someone with assumed authority says something that fits into what you want to be true does not make it true B*/ #In this series about rumours and warped perspectives - Jin Ling is a great example of how hard you have to work for the truth #+1 points of friendship with jin ling: He will self correct himself if he says a slur now

[caeslxys]

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)

As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)

He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.

(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)

It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.

(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)

#critical role #cr spoilers #bells hells #orym of the air ashari #cr meta #imogen temult #ashton greymoore #liliana temult #this is genuinely completely written in good faith as someone who loves orym #but is also about orym and so will inevitably end up being completely misconstrued and made into discourse. alas #I could talk about how Orym’s unwillingness to allow the hells to actually finish/come to a solid conclusion on Philosophy Talk #is directly connected to one of the largest criticisms of c3 (that they are constantly having these conversations) #all day. alas. engaging with orym’s flaws tends to make people upset #it is ESP prevelant when he walks off after exclaiming ‘they (vangaurd) are NOT right’ #which was not only never said but wasn’t even what they were talking about #he even admits as much to imogen like ten minutes later! that he is incapable of viewing it objectively #which is 100% justifiable and understandable but simultaneously does not make his grief alone the most important perspective in the world #also bc i fear ppl will play semantics on my tags yes the line ‘i hope she’s right’ was said but it was from ASHTON #who does not believe they are at all and wasn’t saying they actively WERE right. orym just heard something to latch onto and ran with it #ultimately there is a reason orym only admitted that he was struggling when he had stepped away to talk to dorian #who has not been around and thusly has not changed once n orym's eyes #and it isn't that the hells never check in or care. they do. they have several times over #it is dishonest to say they haven't #the actual reason is that all of this is something He Is Aware Of. he doesn't mention it bc he KNOWS it's hypocritical and selfish #he says as much! #EXHALES. @ MY OWN BRAIN CAN WE THINK ABT MOG AGAIN. FYRA RAI EVEN. FOR ME. #posting this literally at 8 in the morning so I can get my thoughts out of my brain but also attempt to immediately make this post invisibl

[hella1975]

.

#be deadly fucking serious rn PLEASE whatttt. that post that's like 'parents will say something that shapes you as a person #but for them it was just another tuesday' like WHAT JUST HAPPENED #basically if you've been following me since i went to uni then you know first year was an... interesting time for me and my mum #we rowed all the time and it's the most unsettled our relationship has ever been and i do truly believe it was just some unfortunate #external factors like me leaving home would rock the boat enough it was always gonna rejig our dynamic #but on top of that i was her LAST child to fly the nest which she hated AND my sister was in germany being insanely dependent on my mum #so i got sidelined a lot which was shitty at the time but i get it now like im still a bit bitter bc being the eldest everything my sister #does is an exciting first and our age gap means typically our academic big moments tend to cross over #so my a-levels happened during her first year of uni so for me a-levels were the biggest thing ever but ofc her thing was bigger #but when she did HER a-levels it was the biggest thing ever and i was /just/ doing gcses etc and germany was the same #like it was JUST my first year of uni bc meanwhile my sister was living alone in a foreign country. so that sucks and my mum was #defo focused on my sister and i wasn't in a position to be like 'hey i know it doesn't seem like it now you've got one kid through it #but going to university and settling in for the first year is still an insanely stressful and lonely time so please pay attention to me' #and all in all me and my mum just STRUGGLED we fought A LOT and not petty rows either they were really emotionally heavy all the time #and basically what's caused this post is that she said about america 'it'll be the longest ive been away from you' #and i know what she meant like a month out of england is the biggest thing ive ever done and im not even in EUROPE so this is huge #but i kinda said like 'im pretty sure i went a month in first year a couple times without visiting?' AND I MEANT IT CASUAL #BC I AM PRETTY SURE IT'S TRUE LIKE I WASNT EAGER TO GO HOME I WENT SOME WEEKS NOT EVEN RINGING #which REALLY shows how strained it must have been at the time. and she responds with confusion so i pointed out that first year #wasn't a great time for us and again still being casual bc it's such a fundamental truth for me that first year was Bad for me and mum #and she just blinks at me like 'what are you talking about' what. WHAT. like i knew she wasn't paying much attention to me then #but it made me MISERABLE for an entire YEAR like boom can testify bc they had to deal with my bs over the phone the entire time #and my mum just. didn't even notice that we weren't doing well. what. what the fuck even..... baffled by this actually #like i am REELING from this i feel like she just tipped the fundamentals of my world with that #hella goes home

[sailor-aviator]

.

#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

[clonerightsagenda]

The goddess Hera is jealous. (Or at least described as such. I think it’s pretty reasonable to be annoyed that your husband keeps chasing after everything under the sun, even if she punishes the wrong people for it.) Hera the AI doesn’t have a lot of opportunities to be jealous, but she’s insecure, dislikes being left out, and is resentful of the others’ ability to leave her behind, so I think she’d be a natural. My brother is the family cat’s favorite, and the first time he came home from college with his partner our cat was furious and sulked in front of the door every time they were in a room together. I can see Hera reacting similarly. Dominik is trying to catch up with his wife while a powerful superintelligence broods overhead about it. She tells him not to worry about it but he’s kind of intimidated.

#Hera's lack of familiarity with a lot of kinds of human relationships #and being used to having everyone work out their drama in front of her does not help with this #Minkowski: Could I please have some time alone with my husband? #Hera: Why?? What can't you say to each other in front of us??? #Jacobi who is still stuck in mandatory post mission quarantine with them for the sake of this joke alone: #Yeah Minkowski what can't you say to each other in front of us #is Hera jealous of a toddler? possibly it's complicated #perpetual perpetual ladies night #me thinking up ppln content: if nothing else I can always find something to say about hera #wolf 359 #the thing is some of the crewmembers have other people but Hera doesn't #the stress of knowing just because people are the most important people to YOU #doesn't mean you're the most important person to THEM #and while that is something everyone has to struggle with to some degree #Hera has a tendency to lash out about things #Minkowski: this is my husband #Hera: I hate him. why couldn't we all stay in space together until we die #is this post kind of an aro mood? maybe yeah what about it