#just…I guess I can chalk it up to me being too empathetic for my good

[noahtally-famous]

man I rlly hope Ezekiel’s parents don’t watch total drama bc can you imagine what they must have gone through?

watching their son get booted first in both seasons he participated in (technically second in world tour but we all saw Chris hurl him out of the plane to “set an example” and Duncan quitting doesn’t count bc it was voluntary), then see neither hair nor hide of him for half of the season only to find out he’s been staying in the cargo hold and growing slowly feral and less human with every passing day. then he’s used as a gag trick for two separate challenges and tranquilized and in a cage like a bloody animal. then in the finale, he’s basically unrecognizable and falls into a volcano.

after that, he’s only mentioned in snippets, affected by the radioactivity of the island and has turned into a mesh of an animalistic creature, and is far from the human boy who left his sheltered home all those months ago.

a home he never returns to. a boy who’ll never be one again.

#idk man I shouldn’t get this emotional over a cartoon character #but whenever I see feral Ezekiel my heart hurts for the guy #he’s not even a fav of mine (though that’s not to say I don’t like him) yet still #just…I guess I can chalk it up to me being too empathetic for my good #but gods seeing those milk cartoons and wanted posters of him #imagining the worry of his parents #like I genuinely don’t know which is worse #them watching td and knowing what exactly happens to their child #or them not knowing and under the assumption that zeke is missing and still…human #total drama #kit speaks #noahtally-famous #kit stuff #td ezekiel #it’s emotions time y’all #also zeke just wanted to be better in wt and he wasn’t even given that 😭 #poor guy goddamn

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

gods sometimes I hate that I can't think about Palestine, about everything going on in the world, 24/7.

I ask myself "well why not? why not just think about that stuff and school and chores? why does fUCKING FANDOM and special interests eat your life and personality like this? don't you have any empathy?"

and I know the answer. I know its because there have been MANY times in my life where I've taken my own advice and tried to think about "the issues" 24/7. I became a total asshole. angry, stupid, often self-destructive. I didn't make any change or contribution besides starting fights with strangers online, and any effort I DID make to contribute irl just led to so many messes that the people who were actually helping then had to step aside and clean up.

the times I'm most capable of help are when I'm able to keep a balance between awareness of the problems in the world, with other stuff (both fandom and just like... homework n shit). it feels SO wrong and SO un-natural to actively prioritize fandom, but I've tried the "right" way so much and been such a dick and done a good bit of harm.

and I've tried the "wrong" way this past year and done more good/participated more than ever.

results speak for themselves.

and ik everyone does activism differently.

I'm obviously not gonna break any boycotts, holy shit no. I'm still attending protests and making posters/art for local activist movements and doing what I can when I can.

its just so tempting to put 99.99999% of myself into REALLY feeling that grief and rage and helplessness... but again. I know, yknow?

I know how that ends. I may feel righteous and empathetic and, honestly, Cool(tm), but I'm not doing shit for anyone

if mainlining destiel into my brainstem lets me show up for protests and make art and do all of that while NOT being a total bag of dicks...

ugh. it just feels fucking weird

(& yes, I did try the "really feel it, no self-anesthetizing with fandom and no distancing myself from it on purpose" approach as recently as this fall. after physically forcing myself to not send threats to kill strangers' pets, exposing my unmasked face to cameras while chalking a govt building, being kinda socially inappropriate and considering vandalism, i realized that it does in fact still make me an asshole.)

like I feel guilty about purposefully distancing myself for these issues, but also simultaneously understand from past experience that this is the best way for me to make actual, meaningful contributions. its weird.

if i go full-in on Understanding(tm) it, I FEEL morally/spiritually superior, and sure, it MIGHT make me a better activist, but years of experience tell me that, despite how I'm perceiving myself in that moment, it wont.

if I keep distancing myself, ie LITERALLY PURPOSEFULLY seeking out fandom/yt brainrot/Shiny Happy Things to AVOID thinking about it, I do more. I'm involved more, go to more protests, meetings, talk to friends about it.

...that is the reverse of how those things should work.

I think this may be the same kind of reason I don't do existentialism or organized religion. there are some things, really deep or emotional things, that if I think abt them too hard I get stuck EXTREMELY far up my own ass in how I can "only" think of these things or else I'm "awful"

but that's it. its all just thinking. and feeling. and not acting.

...I guess I'll go back to obsessing over my little shows and ships, making actual contributions to anti-genocide, anti-colonialism, pro-palestine efforts

and wondering why the FUCK I'm like this.

...also ok tbh my desire for some kind of moral or spiritual depth/fulfillment/righteousness/forgiveness???? via immersing myself in the experience of VICTIMS OF ONGOING GENOCIDE to try to understand their experience is uhhh

creepy.

especially given that its at the direct detriment of my actual activism and to the emotional harm of peers and fellow activists.

yeah hm actually that is just kind of creepy. and not helpful.

#tw personal #personal #tw vent #vent #rant #tw rant #palestine #activism #internal struggles #i keep thinking im lying to myself just to have an excuse to not care #but looking at my activism when i engage “fully” vs when i dont #the difference is STAGGERING. “not engaging fully” seems to lead to much fuller engagement and idfk WHY #i think theres a part of me that sees stuff happening and ppl suffering and goes “I HAVE TO FIX THAT. I. ME.” #“if i cant fix that now. i can actually. it hurts too much” #and that part of me is rly self-destructive and not a team player #that part of me can stay in fandom. so the more grounded and collaborative part of me can do activism. #i am NOT. a GOOD PERSON. to LEAD THINGS #but IF i engage with these issues fully. I WILL TRY. and it will go POORLY. #Get My Head Out Of My Ass hours

[closedspeciesteahouse]

(I guess it wouldn't be too hard to find out who I am but I'll remain anonymous to try to keep what little anonymity I can get) I'm extremely dyslexic so I'm sorry if the formatting is weird! I had an experience recently that really opened my eyes up to how toxic the cs community is and I thought it was worth sharing. I'm a pop cs moderator and I typically thought I had a good standing with my members. I wasn't perfect, moderating is a hard job and a very opinionated job at that, I was going to mess stuff up. A bit ago I made a big purchase on an adopt, a good chunk of change. I'd never really spent this much before, but it was enough to where it made headlines in other cs vents. I knew I could spend this type of money, I had sold multiple pop cs designs off as vouchers to make it, so it wasn't like it was coming out of pocket. But of course when cs vent has something to complain about they'll latch onto it... Someone made a post where they went through my trello claiming that I was lazy because rather then finishing my commissions in my trello I was wasting their money on an expensive adopt. The moderator agreed, chalking it up to "cs behavior". I was mortified. I'd never been the target of this sort of thing and quickly went to the two commissioners who were waiting on me. I was worried one of them may have been upset and said that. The thing is, I had informed both of them before I went on hiatus that 2 family members were in the hospital, and 1 was dying. I was taking a break because doing customs was not helping my grieving process. Both of them were good friends and assured me that they understood and were being patient (one even went on the blog to defend me which I feel really bad about,,,) But it was all so weird. Nobody cared I had the money to spend on the purchase, nobody cared about my dying family members, nobody cared I was grieving. I was a pop cs mod, my feelings didn't matter to these people. As soon as I had gotten to position, no matter if it was for money or for passion, I became as bad as all the worst of my peers. This may be heard on deaf ears but I encourage you all to remember these mods, they are people... I know not all of them are great or outstanding at their jobs, but not all of them are horrible either. The absolute violation I felt to have someone digging through my stuff to find my trello (it is very out of the way) to find something, ANYTHING to complain about. It was horrifying. I can only imagine the mental state of the people who are targets of cs vent chats constantly such as Darci or Kid. Not to say I'm a fan of either of them, but if such a small thing affected me so badly, what are they going through. Maybe I'm just soft... Anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk,,,!

Hello mate, Mod Earl here.. I do have several things to add. Have a seat and a cult of tea if you’d like!

Firstly, I do apologize to hear of this. And in all honesty I would encourage you to do your best to void from looking at such sites if it causes you much stress and uneasiness.

The stuff that I’ve learned from within the internet is.. well, can’t please anybody. People can be crude and not empathetic. Even if you’re doing your darndest, there’s always going to be a few that got something to say! And to be a mod of this popular CS, I would say.. it’s to be expected. Adapt and overcome is what my Gramps would say! Got to get some tough skin, angry people from the internet should be the least of your problem to deal with. They just tend to find something to complain and gotta vent out their frustration (hence the vent in the name of ‘csvent’).

Also to go through the lengths to pick on something so small and enlarging it into an argument does feel a bit much… but again, if things are online and available for others to see, it’s there for others to drop a say in things.

Shame on the anonymous venter for running off to a gossip sight if they intend to instigate things.. the silliest of the twats.

Also it’s your money. You do you. I’m sure many others online do the same thing too. They have money, they spend it on what they want. (Wow! What a bloody shocking discovery!) Just do you mate. Learn from this mishap and simply do your best to filter out the nonsense.

But that’s just my say in things. Cheers mate, hope things lighten up!

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

How would companions react to a visually impaired SoSu that can fight impressively well? Love your work btw ☺️

Cait:

"Seriously? Ya can't hardly see two feet in front 'cha but you can..you know what? Nevermind, I ain't complaining."

She’s pretty damn impressed, it may be harsh but before your proving of your skills, she thought you’d be a hindrance because of your eyesight. Boy, she’d kick herself in the ass for it later.

Curie:

“Mon dieu, take no offense madam/monsieur, but with your recent eye exam results...I wouldn’t have thought you would’ve been able to swing and hit anything even at that distance..”

She’s pretty much astonished- having seen and, yes, been working to remedy your situation. However she certainly was happier for it, still striving to help you but being able to rest a little easier knowing you’d be able to defend yourself.

Danse:

“I’m impressed, soldier. However I still think it’s necessary to allow Captain Cade to at least exam your eyes...”

There’s a certain bought of relief that he feels seeing your battle prowess. Sure, he knew you could fight, and he supposed that he shouldn’t have thought any less of your capabilities after you’ve demonstrated them countless times beforehand.....but....he’ll still worry. You were, in his opinion, high risk.

Deacon:

“.....how?”

He doesn’t even know where to begin. Seriously? Okay, he had seen you fight before but...damn. You could hardly see shapes of people two feet away and yet you were able to take down super mutants? Oh no...I guess you could say, you go into “blind rage.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought.

Gage:

“Look boss, so long as you’re able to keep kicking ass like that- I think we can keep this whole blind as shit thing on the down low.”

As someone who has impaired vision as well, he’s surprisingly empathetic. He knows what it feels like to be doubted because of something beyond your control. So long as you keep up the “ass-kicking”, he actually will grow to admire you even more.

Hancock:

“Shit, I didn’t have any idea...are you joking about the whole “unable to see” thing?”

He becomes pretty darn critical of your sincerity. Come on, he bullshits people all the time- it’s about time someone pulls his leg for once too. Once you reassure him that, no, you cannot see well at all, his respect for you practically skyrockets.

Macready:

“Heh, here I was thinking you hired me just for my eyes, boss. You take care of yourself well.”

He’s..conflicted with how he feels. On one hand, at least you weren’t going to get your ass handed to you...on the other, WHY DID YOU HIRE HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE? He’s a sniper man. You didn’t just hire him to help you navigate the ‘wealth...did you?

Maxson:

“Are those new modifications adequate?”

No. Absolutely not. You won’t even get the chance to prove your ass kicking abilities, for as soon as he gathers the medical exam from Cade, your ass is officially put on hold until he is sure that your vision is corrected.

Nick:

“Can’t say I’m too surprised, your one hell of a person in every way you can possibly be.”

Like he said, he isn’t surprised in all honesty. How else did you fight Kellogg? I mean, he’s not ever one to underestimate a person no matter what facts are against them anyways.

Old Longfellow:

“Damn...you and me are gonna need to get someone with some good eyes around here. Oh..never mind, we got the dog.”

He too suffers from poor vision, so he isn’t at all shocked whenever you prove your combat capabilities. He knows that they come naturally with survival instincts, how else was he alive now?

Piper:

“Well blue, you are amazing. That’s it. That’s all I got to say.”

She isn’t entirely shocked but...seeing how many times you’ve ran into walls? That kind of discouraged her from believing whenever she in contrast, saw you shoot a bloatfly clean through the eye. However, she wouldn’t question it- just chalking it up to you being like a super human or something.

Preston:

“It’s a damn good thing your arm is better than your aim, no offense..General.”

He’s so relieved. Honestly a piece of him was disappointed whenever you displayed terrible shooting accuracy...but that quickly faded when he saw you knock a raider straight off their ass with a bat.

Sturges:

“Mh, maybe you don’t need those fancy bifocals after all..good job.”

It was the second time you’ve saved him from raiders..he had been planting some melons whenever one somehow snuck up behind him- one thing led to another and somehow you were able to bust their head open with a super sledge.

Thank god he ducked when he did.

X6-88:

“You should see Dr. Volkhert immediately, ma’am/sir”

Similar to maxson...he refuses to let you do anything until corrective measures are taken.

#fallout 4 #fallout #paladin danse #fo4 companions #fallout companions #elder maxson #danse #porter gage #curie #arthur maxson #brotherhood of steel #cait #deacon #hancock #macready #fo4 #nick valentine #nuka world #piper wright #preston garvey #x6 88 #fallout 4 companions #fallout companions react

[silverlightqueen]

21 Things To Do This Summer PJM

y/n has a week left to live and 21 things she wanted to do this summer. Jimin vows to help her do them all before she dies and give her the summer of a lifetime.

jimin x reader - angst, fluff, comedy, non-idol!au

Part of BangtanHQ’s ‘Bangtan Boardwalk’ at the ‘Summertime Sadness’ booth!

Rating: Mature (heavy themes and strong language - read with caution)

Word Count: 16.9k+ (she’s a monster omg)

Warnings: death and illness, discussion of death and illness, jokes about death and illness, brain tumour, discussion of eating disorders, brief mention of murder and crime (y/n jokes that Jimin could be a murderer or a thief), explicit language throughout, I think that’s it but please let me know if you noticed that I missed anything

a/n: here’s the first part guys! if you enjoy it, make sure to check out the other fics in the Summertime Sadness booth, and the other booths on the Bangtan Boardwalk! a huge thank you to @silverlightprincess​ for proofreading this massive fic, I love you so damn much x

silverlightqueen masterlist

y/n’s Summer Bucket List

21 Things to Do This Summer

1) Make a new friend

2) Dye my hair

3) Go on a road trip

4) Do pavement chalk

5) Get everybody I talk to to sign a shirt

6) Have s’mores at a bonfire

7) Get drunk and skinny dip at the beach

8) Make a wish balloon

9) Go to a fairground

10) Have a picnic

11) Get a tattoo

12) Sleep under the stars

13) Cloud watch

14) Try camping for the first time

15) Have a water fight

16) Make homemade ice cream

17) Have a pyjama day

18) Send a message in a bottle

19) Watch fireworks

20) Go to a drive-in movie

21) Make a photo album of it all

‘Hey! Hey, excuse me! Hey, wait, you dropped something!’ I can hear someone shouting and, despite the tears running down my face, I roll my eyes, wondering why the idiot who dropped something doesn’t stop to get it. ‘Excuse me! Hey, wait!’ I hear, the voice getting closer, before I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I realise; I’m the idiot.

I turn around to see a boy. The first thing I notice is the piece of paper in his hand. The second thing I notice is that I already know him. ‘You dropped thi- oh, y/n! Hey! Long time, no see. Wait, whoa, are you crying?’ he asks, and I roll my eyes again as I frustratedly wipe away my tears. ‘No, Jimin, why? Does it look like I am?’ I spit out sarcastically. ‘Okay, I’m going to ignore how rude that was because you’re clearly upset about something, and I’m going to be a good person and return this to you,’ he says, holding out the piece of paper. When I realise what it is, I snatch it from him, tucking it safely into my bag and mentally chiding myself for nearly losing it.

‘Thank you. Sorry for being rude,’ I say before I turn away, continuing to head home. It’s only after a few seconds I realise he’s walking beside me, and I speed up, trying to get away from him. He speeds up too. I slow down. So does he. I stop in my tracks, turning to shoot him an annoyed look, and he merely grins back at me, blinding me with his annoyingly handsome smile.

‘What do you want, Jimin?’ I ask tiredly, deciding not to be rude after he returned my list to me. ‘Well, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, so I thought it’d be nice to catch up. And I also know you, and you’re clearly upset about something, and I���m not going to abandon somebody who I have history with if they’re crying. And, as well as being a very caring and empathetic person, I’m very curious, and so I have to find out why you’re upset,’ he says, and I frown, continuing to walk, even more annoyed when he continues to walk alongside me.

‘It’s none of your business, Jimin,’ I say sharply, hoping he’ll leave me alone. ‘Well, obviously. It’s your business. But the nature of being curious is wanting to know other people’s business,’ he says as though he’s speaking to a little child, and I shoot him another look. ‘You’re practically a stranger.’ ‘I am not! We had classes together through the whole of high school!’ ‘I’m not going to tell you my business,’ I say with a note of finality, hoping he’ll leave the subject. And leave me, for that matter.

‘Would you tell me if you knew me better?’ he asks thoughtfully, and I roll my eyes. ‘Probably, yes.’ ‘Okay. I’m a Libra, I hate spinach and 13 is my lucky number. Oh, and I dance,’ he says, and I literally want to bash my head against a wall. ‘That does not mean I know you better. It just means you overshare.’ ‘Well, you can’t say I’m practically a stranger. Maybe only half a stranger,’ he says, and I let out a humourless laugh at how persistent he is, and he grins, mistaking it for a real laugh.

‘God, what is it with you? What do I have to say to you to get you to leave me alone?’ I ask, stopping in the street and putting my hand on my hip. ‘If you tell me why you’re crying. Or, should I say, were? Because, if you haven’t already noticed, you’re no longer crying. Thanks to me,’ he grins, and I actually didn’t notice that I’m not crying anymore.

‘Well, your stupid ass has distracted me,’ I admit, and he laughs, the sound quite… endearing. ‘So? Tell me then. I think I deserve to know. Considering I cheered you up,’ he says, and I roll my eyes yet again. ‘I said that you distracted me. That is not the same as cheering me up. Listen, Jimin, I’d appreciate it if you left me alone. It’s nice to see you again, and I hope everything’s going well in your life, but it is not a good time for me right now. My patience is seriously wearing thin,’ I say, continuing to walk, but he still walks beside me, making me want to throttle him.

‘I think your patience was already thin. And I’m a good citizen, so I would never just let a pretty girl crying pass me by without asking what’s wrong. Especially if I already know her,’ he says lightly, and I roll my eyes. Is he seriously trying to flirt with me? ‘Jimin. Leave me alone,’ I say seriously, putting emphasis on every word as the anger begins to bubble up in my stomach. ‘Not until you tell me what’s wro-’ ‘I have a week left to live!’ I shout, losing my temper, and his face instantly transforms from teasing and light, to shocked and guilty as tears fill my eyes. That’ll teach him not to pry into other people’s business.

‘Oh. Oh, gosh. I’m sorry, y/n. I wouldn’t have asked if that’s what it was. I thought you were gonna say you’d broken up with your boyfriend or something. I’m so sorry,’ he says, sounding sincere, but I merely roll my eyes, turning and walking away, and hoping he’ll leave me alone now. ‘How’d you know?’ I hear him say from beside me, and I sigh aloud, having to physically restrain myself from hitting this boy with my bag.

‘What?’ ‘How’d you know you’ve only got a week left to live?’ ‘I went to the doctor a couple days ago, for chronic headaches. They did some scans, and then I got a call this morning to go to the hospital. They told me I have a brain tumour. Terminal. They said I’m lucky if I have another ten days,’ I say tiredly, a couple tears falling down my face which I wipe away hastily, and he takes a deep breath. ‘Wow. I’m really sorry. That’s… terrible. Is there no treatment?’ he asks, and I sigh again. ‘Yes, but they said it’s unlikely to cure it, it’ll only delay my inevitable death, and it’s… painful. I’d rather die sooner than later if later’s gonna hurt. Or it could get rid of the tumour, but it could ruin my future quality of life; I might not be able to speak the same, walk the same, even think the same. So I’ve refused treatment,’ I explain, not sure why I’m opening up to him, and he nods. ‘Reasonable. I’d do the same.’

We walk in silence for a few moments before Jimin starts speaking again. ‘So. Where are you going now?’ he asks, and I side-eye him. ‘Home.’ ‘To your boyfriend?’ ‘Don’t have one.’ ‘Girlfriend?’ ‘Don’t have one of those either.’ ‘Spouse?’ ‘I’m single.’ ‘Parents?’ ‘Don’t live with them.’ ‘Siblings?’ ‘Only child.’ ‘Friends.’ ‘Don’t have any.’ ‘What about all your friends from school?’ ‘I matured; they didn’t.’ ‘Oop. Roommates?’ ‘Nope.’

‘You live alone?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘I have a dog. If that counts,’ I say, and he grins. ‘Of course it counts. What breed?’ ‘A miniature husky. His name’s Coco, and he’s literally tiny,’ I say, a small smile coming onto my face at the thought of my baby, and he holds a hand to his heart. ‘That’s a cute name. My friend, Taehyung – you remember him, right? – he has a Pomeranian who’s tiny, called Yeontan. Tannie for short. Tan for even shorter,’ he says, and I smile despite myself.

‘That’s so adorable. Maybe Taehyung can have Coco. He’ll need a new owner,’ I say jokingly, and Jimin winces. ‘Don’t you feel like it’s too early to make jokes?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘It’s never too early. By the time it’s okay, I’ll be dead,’ I say bluntly, and he lets out a strangled laugh, as though he wants to hold it back but can’t.

I still feel a little shocked, but mainly numb. I went through the stages of dealing with bad news whilst I was still at the hospital. I started by denying it, and telling the doctor that something in the scan must be wrong. And then I got super angry that it hadn’t already been identified and screamed a little at her (it was my own fault, though – I’m the one that didn’t go to the doctor until it’d been months of me having headaches). Then I tried to bargain with the doctor, and ask if there were any treatments that don’t hurt or wouldn’t cause me irreversible damage, or if there was any chance I would survive any longer. And then I cried. A lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot. I got through a box and a half of tissues. I was at the hospital for three and a half hours, and spent two hours of that crying. And I was still crying when I left.

I guess I’m now in the acceptance stage. I didn’t know it was possible to move through the stages that quickly.

‘What was that paper you dropped? Your diagnosis?’ he asks, and I shake my head. ‘All my paperwork was in a folder, loads of it. I threw it in the recycling at the hospital.’ ‘Glad to see you’re looking after the planet for those of us that’ll still be here when you’re gone,’ Jimin says, almost tentatively, and I burst out laughing, covering my mouth. ‘That was funny,’ I admit, and he grins, relaxing. ‘I do try.’ ‘Yes, you’re very trying.’

‘Anyway. What was that paper then?’ he asks, and I sigh. ‘Do you, like, make it your life’s mission to pry?’ ‘No, it comes naturally. A lot of girls receive it well, actually. They like it when someone good-looking seems interested in their life,’ he smirks, and I shoot him a disgusted look. ‘Big-headed much?’ ‘Just truthful.’ ‘Well, I’m not receiving it well. Clearly.’ ‘I guess you’re not like other girls then,’ he muses, and I shoot him another look. ‘Please don’t tell me you think that’s a compliment, because it isn’t,’ I say, and he laughs. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Let me rephrase it. You’re not like the girls that I’m used to being around.’ ‘You’re probably used to being around girls just as pretty as you.’ ‘You think I’m pretty?’ ‘Shut up.’ ‘Well, you’re right. But it’s okay, because you’re not just as pretty as me. You’re prettier.

But anyway. Are you gonna tell me what that paper is?’ he asks again, skimming over the fact he’s now called me pretty for the second time, and I sigh, giving up. ‘It’s a summer bucket list. I saw this girl reading a book with the same name in the waiting room at the doctor’s surgery the other day, and it inspired me to write one,’ I admit, and he grins. ‘That’s cute,’ he says, and I roll my eyes, looking away from him. ‘Well, I’m gonna die before I get to do any of them anyway,’ I say, and he sighs. ‘Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that,’ he says, voice small, and I nod.

We continue walking, his shoulder a few inches from mine, and I distract myself from the slightly awkward silence by looking at our surroundings instead. It’s a lovely summer’s day today; warm and sunny with the most beautiful breeze. Families are out in force despite it being a weekday, little boys running around shirtless and barefoot, and little girls in cute summer outfits. Chill ‘vibey’ music floats through open car windows, couples share ice cream at the café we walk past, birds chirp in the trees that line the road. It’s such a beautiful day. I even shaved my legs and put on a cute floral playsuit. So much for sunbathing in the garden.

‘Hang on,’ Jimin says suddenly, stopping in his tracks. ‘What?’ ‘Who says you can’t tick off your bucket list?’ he asks, and I raise an eyebrow. ‘I’m going to die, Jimin,’ I say slowly, and he lets out a frustrated noise. ‘You have a week. That’s more than enough time for us to do it all,’ he says, and my eyes widen. ‘Us? Who said anything about us?’ ‘I’ve taken it upon myself to help you tick off this bucket list.’ ‘And I’m taking it upon myself to refuse your help.’

‘Um, rude. Why?’ he asks with an amused glint in his eye, and my eyes widen even more. ‘Are you kidding? We barely know each other. The closest we ever were was when Nayeon and Jungkook dated and we all planned at their joint birthday party, and when we got paired together for that History project. That was years ago; I have no idea what kind of person you are now. You could be a murderer,’ I say, and he raises an eyebrow. ‘You’re going to die anyway,’ he says, and I stifle a laugh. ‘Okay, I’m allowed to joke about it; you are not. You could be a thief.’ ‘Again: you’re going to die anyway. But, I’m not a thief, so don’t worry. You’ll still have all of your belongings to put in your will.’ ‘Excuse me. Stop joking about my imminent death.’

‘Listen, I want to help you. Let me help you tick off your bucket list,’ he pleads, and I’m surprised at myself for actually considering it. I’m going to die anyway – I might as well spend my last few days having fun. Even if it is with an unbearably curious person from my past. ‘Please let me help you. I’ll consider my life a waste if you don’t,’ he says dramatically, dropping to the floor, making enough of a scene for people to look over at us. ‘Jimin, get up,’ I hiss, and he scrabbles at my shoes. ‘I’ll die if you don’t let me. Please, y/n, please let me,’ he wails, and I look around embarrassedly, feeling lots of stares on us.

‘If I say yes, will you stop making such an embarrassment of yourself?’ I hiss, and he looks up at me with wide eyes and a grin, nodding. ‘Then, yes. I’ll let you help me,’ I sigh, and he jumps up from the floor, a wide smile spreading across his lips. ‘Okay, let’s see what I’m working with,’ he says, and I look at him blankly. ‘Let me see the list,’ he prompts, and I pull the list out of my bag, handing it to him tiredly.

‘Okay, let’s see. ‘y/n’s Summer Bucket List’. Cute. ‘21 Things to Do This Summer’. Only 21 things? This’ll be easier than I thought,’ he says, before his eyes scan down the rest of the list. As he reads it, I look him up and down, inspecting him. He’s changed since school. A lot. He’s now around 5’8’’, with clear golden skin, chocolate brown eyes, plump pink lips and ink black hair swept back from his forehead (must be dyed because I remember his hair being a lot lighter than this). He’s dressed in a pair of grey shorts and a plain white t-shirt, a loose grey jacket over the top of it with pair of sunglasses at the back of his head. ‘Okay, well, you’ve already achieved number one. Making a new friend,’ he says, pointing at himself with a grin, and I roll my eyes exasperatedly. ‘I don’t know you well enough to call you a friend,’ I say, and he sighs.

‘That’s the best bit. You barely know me, and I barely know you. We can be whoever we want to be. All I know about you is the vague stuff from school, and I know that you had high hopes for this summer, but you’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness. And you’ve only got a week left. And that you’re grumpy and get annoyed easily and are not receptive to strangers. And you’ve got a dog called Coco. All you know about me is the vague stuff from school, and that I’m a Libra, I hate spinach, my lucky number is 13, and that I dance.’ ‘And that you’re annoyingly curious and persistent and stubborn and think a lot of yourself.’ ‘Exactly! That’s literally nothing in the grand scheme of things.’

‘So you think we should lie to each other about what and who we are?’ ‘No, no, you’re misunderstanding. Haven’t you ever wanted to be like someone, but you’re too scared to, or you’re too stuck in your ways?’ he asks, voice soft, and I nod. ‘This is your chance. We barely know each other, and we have no more than a week together. You get to be whatever you want to be, y/n, and we’ll tick off everything on your list. We can be like those reckless teenagers from all those stupid films. What have you got to lose?’ he says gently, his eyes big and his words convincing.

‘We can’t do all this in a week,’ I say, and he sighs. ‘Can’t is not in my vocabulary. And neither are cannot, unable to, won’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, mustn’t-’ ‘Who in this century says mustn’t?’ ‘We can easily do all this in a week. Even less than a week,’ he says, and I raise a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Ambitious, but I don’t think so.’ ‘And that’s not in my vocabulary either. But… give me four days,’ he says, and my eyes widen. ‘Four days?’ ‘Easy. I could probably do it in three, but I’ll say an extra day just to be sure,’ he says confidently, and I roll my eyes.

‘Haven’t you, like… got a job? Or, like, studying? You can’t just devote four days – or more – to helping me tick off my bucket list,’ I say, and he rolls his eyes. ‘Why are you so sensible? Trust me, there’s nothing I have to do,’ he says, and I raise an eyebrow, not believing him for a second. ‘Fine,’ he sighs, ‘I work with my friend – Hoseok, remember him? – at his dance studio, but he’ll let me have some time off,’ he says, and I’m still slightly sceptical, but decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.

‘Why do you want to help me? Haven’t you got better things to do with your life?’ I ask him, voice small, and he smiles, seemingly endeared. ‘There’s something tragic about you, y/n. You went to the hospital alone to be told that you’re going to die. And you don’t live with anybody. And you have a list of things you wanted to do this summer, but won’t be able to do them without help. My help. Of all the places you dropped that paper, you dropped it in front of me. And of all the people that could’ve picked it up, it was me. We haven’t seen each other since we left school, and even though the odds of us seeing each other again were slim, look where we are. Fate works in mysterious ways, y/n. Let me help you. For old time’s sake,’ he says softly, and I feel that little voice in my head whisper, ‘why not?’

‘You know what? Let’s do it,’ I say, throwing caution to the wind, and feeling a little bit of excitement bloom in my chest. ‘Wait, really?’ he asks, surprise on his face but also… hope in his eyes. ‘Yeah. Let’s do it,’ I say with a small smile, the excitement in my chest flooding out into my veins. He jumps up and pumps the air, whooping and shouting in celebration, and I don’t even feel embarrassed of him, finding it quite endearing.

‘Okay, let’s get started. It’s 12.32, so we have until 12.32 on Sunday to tick the whole list off. Let me look at the list again. Um… well, number one’s done. And the last one, the photo album, we can buy a photo album now and take pictures as we go along to put in it,’ he says, thinking aloud, before he turns abruptly. I look around in alarm before rushing after him. ‘Where are we going?’ ‘There’s a supermarket just down the road that we can get a photo album from. Oh, and we can buy an instant camera too! Cuter pictures,’ he says, and I roll my eyes with a small smile on my face.

‘We should just scrap that one. It’s not like I’ll be able to look back at it, so what’s the point?’ I say, and he frowns at me. ‘Well, we could say that about all of this, but it’s about making your last few days exciting and fun and an experience of a lifetime. So don’t say ‘what’s the point’, because there is a point,’ he says firmly, and I keep my mouth shut, unable to stop a small smile from appearing on my face.

We enter the supermarket, the change in temperature making me shiver in my skimpy outfit, and Jimin looks over at me. ‘Oh, my God, my mum would kill me if she knew how ungentlemanly I was being right now,’ he says, taking his jacket off. ‘No, Jimin, it’s fine,’ I try to stop him, but he’s already handing it to me and taking my little backpack from my hand. ‘Let me. Have you ever been treated like a princess?’ he asks, and I shake my head shyly. ‘Then take the jacket and let me hold your bag. It’s the least you deserve,’ he says, and I smile to myself as I shrug on the jacket without further complaint, watching amusedly when he puts on the backpack.

He leads us towards the electronics, the back corner of the store, and makes a beeline for the camera section. ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ he asks, and I hesitate. ‘It’s hard to choose a favourite,’ I say quietly, and he rolls his eyes, an amused smile playing at his lips. ‘Okay. What’s your favourite colour out of these?’ he says, motioning to the instant cameras, and I think before answering, ‘that one. The pastel blue.’ ‘Ah, nice choice,’ he says, picking one of the boxes up and heading over towards where the photo albums are, and I follow after him. ‘This one’s perfect!’ he says, pointing at one the same colour as the camera, and I nod, Jimin picking it up with a grin.

‘Right, let’s just double-check this list and see if there’s anything else we need,’ he says, getting the list out of his pocket again. ‘Hmm, we could buy some chalk to do number 4. And we can buy a shirt and markers to do number 5,’ he says, thinking aloud again, walking ridiculously quickly to where the art and school supplies section where the chalk and markers will be, before rushing off towards the clothes section, having me running around behind him.

Once we’ve picked out a plain white button-up dress shirt, we head over to the counter, Jimin chatting amicably with the cashier as I hang behind, surprised and slightly envious of his ability to speak to strangers like they’re close friends. ‘Would you mind doing us a favour?’ Jimin asks, and the cashier nods instantly, scanning through the shirt. ‘Can you sign this shirt? Just, like, with your name and your… job, I guess. We, um, we’re doing a project,’ Jimin says with a grin at me, and the cashier nods again, looking a little confused as Jimin hands her a marker from the pack. She writes ‘Soojung –supermarket cashier’, before handing Jimin the marker back with a grin.

‘Have you got film for this camera?’ Soojung asks as she scans it through, and Jimin looks to me, both of us exchanging an embarrassed glance. ‘No, but it’d probably help,’ I say frankly, and Jimin nods with a laugh. ‘I’ll go and grab them for you,’ the cashier says, getting up and running off. ‘We could’ve gone and gotten it, she didn’t have to,’ I say, and Jimin grins. ‘Perks of being a nice person – people do things for you that they don’t have to,’ he says pointedly, and I scowl at him. ‘Was that a dig?’ I demand, and he grins even wider. ‘Not at all, my dear, y/n,’ he says, throwing an arm around my shoulders, and I roll my eyes in response, the cashier reappearing with a couple boxes of film.

‘Do you want just the one or…?’ ‘We’ll take both,’ Jimin replies, the cashier nodding, scanning them through. ‘Gonna make some summer memories?’ the cashier asks, and we exchange another glance, a small smile playing at Jimin’s lips when he replies, ‘something like that, yeah.’

‘Okay, let’s have another look at this list,’ Jimin says once we’re seated in the back corner of his favourite coffee shop, pulling the list out of his pocket and reading it through. ‘So you’ve already made a new friend. Me. We’ve got the chalk for number four, and a shirt and markers for number 5. I should sign the shirt, right?’ he says, and I nod, thinking this’ll be easier if I let him do what he wants, and he grins, writing ‘Park Jimin - y/n’s fabulously beautiful assistant and school friend’. I raise an eyebrow, and he raises one back, challenging me to say something, but I just shake my head with a small smile.

‘Let’s look at the rest of them. Number 2, dyeing your hair… I have a trillion boxes of dye at home, that’s easy. Number 3, go on a road trip… we can do that, and tick off the others as we do it. Number 4, pavement chalk, we can do with Taehyung on his and Namjoon’s driveway because Tae’s good at art and their driveway is huge. Number 5, get everyone to sign a shirt, won’t be difficult, we just have to remember. Number 6, have s’mores at a bonfire… let me think about that one. Number 7,’ he begins, before looking up at me with a smirk, and I roll my eyes, a little embarrassed.

‘Don’t laugh. It’s something that so many people have done, and I never have,’ I say defensively, his mouth falling open. ‘You’ve never gotten drunk?’ he asks jokingly, and I laugh despite myself. ‘No, idiot, I’ve never skinny-dipped, but I’m pretty sure I’ll only have the courage to do it if I’m drunk,’ I say, and he nods, looking at me thoughtfully. ‘You can leave me with that one too, I’ll think about it.

Number 8, make a wish balloon, that’s easy. Number 9, go to a fairground… that may be a bit more difficult, but I’ll get it done. Number 10, have a picnic, easy. Number 11, get a tattoo, ooh, that’s fun. I know the perfect place. Number 12, go to a drive-in movie… difficult, but I’ll find a way. Number 13, cloud watch, super easy. Number 14, try camping for the first time, that’s easy too. Number 15, water fight… that’s easy as well. Number 16, homemade ice cream, easy. Number 17, pyjama day, even easier. Number 18, send a message in a bottle… should be easy. Number 19, run through sprinklers… shouldn’t be too hard. I hope. Number 20, stargaze and fall asleep under the stars, should be easy enough. And Number 21 is well under way already,’ he says with a grin.

The photo album already has two pictures in it; one of Jimin and I smiling and squinting in the sunlight, and one of us with the cashier, who looks a little awkward, but it’s fine. Nothing will be more awkward than telling her we’re trying to tick off a summer bucket list within a few days because I’m going to die soon. I was right – Jimin has a serious habit of oversharing.

‘Hi, welcome to the Sweetbrew. I’m Yoongi, I’ll be your server. What can I get you?’ a barista says, sounding like he wants to die, his entire face hidden behind a menu. ‘Yoongi,’ Jimin says, snatching the menu to reveal a boy with porcelain skin, mint green hair and brown eyes. I recognise him as one of Jimin’s best friends from school – Min Yoongi.

He was always one of the quieter members of their friendship group. Not shy, but more calm and laidback – it was easy to seem like that when surrounded by his friends, every single one of them having been big and loud characters. But he was just like the rest of them in that he was definitely popular, and desirable too. Everyone saw him as this sensitive and kind boy, his passion for music reinforcing that even more, and there was always somebody that was crushing on him, his look unique and intriguing. And he’s only gotten better looking since school, more mature and manly, yet still with the soft and delicate features that he had back then.

‘Oh, Jimin. Hey,’ he says, sounding a little more lively, before he turns to look at me. ‘Ah, y/n, right? From school?’ he asks, and I’m surprised at how quick he recognises me. ‘I told the group chat about you. Sorry,’ Jimin says, and my eyes widen, Yoongi sitting in the spare seat at our table. ‘What? When?’ I ask, and he grins. ‘While you got distracted playing with that puppy outside the supermarket,’ he says, and I frown.

‘Did you tell them everything?’ ‘No. Well, nearly everything. I told them what we’re doing, but I didn’t say why. Obviously,’ he says, and I fix him with a glare. ‘Oh, it’s okay to tell a random shop worker, but not your best friends?’ I ask, Yoongi shooting him a look too. ‘Not cool, Park,’ Yoongi says, and Jimin scowls. ‘I already apologised for that. I have a serious problem with oversharing,’ he says, Yoongi and I exchanging a glance as we chorus, ‘we know.’

‘Why are you doing this? If you don’t mind me asking,’ Yoongi asks, curiosity in his eyes, and I sigh. ‘I’ve got a brain tumour, so I’ve got, like, a week left to live,’ I say bluntly, Yoongi’s mouth falling open. ‘Oh. Oh, God, I’m so sorry, y/n, that’s awful,’ he says, sounding a little awkward, but I wave him off. ‘It’s fine. I’ve already gone through the five stages, and am now sufficiently distracted from my impending demise by your stupid friend,’ I say, Jimin scowling.

‘Well, at least he can make up for being stupid by helping you tick off your list. Anyway, you guys want drinks or you just chilling?’ Yoongi asks, and Jimin looks to me to answer. ‘I could do with a drink.’ ‘What would you like, y/n?’ Yoongi asks, and I hesitate, not quite sure. ‘Um… I don’t know. Jimin, what do you have?’ I ask, but Jimin already looks like he’s cooking up a scheme. ‘What fruits do you like, y/n?’ he asks me, and I think for a moment before answering, ‘berries, pineapple, mango, kiwi, peach. I like everything.’

Yoongi and Jimin exchange a glance, talking without words, and Yoongi nods before disappearing into the back. ‘Anyway. We need to get Yoongi to sign your shirt before we leave, remember. And then… we can go to Tae and Joon’s to do pavement chalk. And we should be able to make the ice cream at Tae and Joon’s too. Then we can go and pick up stuff from our houses before we go on the road trip,’ he says, and I hold up a hand.

‘We’re gonna have to go to mine before we go to Taehyung and Namjoon’s, because I’ve left Coco with the neighbour. I told her I’d only be a couple hours and it’s already been… nearly four,’ I say, Jimin nodding, and I can practically see his mind working. ‘We can get Coco and take her to theirs, and she can play with Tan while we get on with ticking things off. And then we can take her on the road trip with us the next day,’ he says, and I nod, getting more and more excited with his ideas.

‘Are you gonna drop me home tonight and then pick me up in the morning?’ I ask, and he thinks. ‘How about… we sleep over at Tae and Joon’s? You can get all your stuff when we go now, and then we’ll be able to leave first thing in the morning,’ he suggests, but I’m sceptical. ‘Won’t they mind?’ I ask, and he shakes his head instantly. ‘They’re so chill about this kinda stuff. They really won’t mind. We all sleep over at their house all the time because it’s the biggest. There’s more than enough space,’ he says, obviously trying hard to convince me, and I nod. There’s no point worrying about intruding at their house when their best friend seems to be the most intruding person in history.

Jimin looks back down at the list, thinking hard, and I smile to myself. It’s sweet that he’s putting so much effort in to try and tick off this list, even though we barely know each other. The most we ever said to each other at school would’ve been ‘d’you have a spare pen?’ or ‘can you pass me the bottle opener?’

Yoongi reappears after a couple minutes with two plastic cups in his hands, the drinks within them vibrant pink and orange. ‘I call this one… ‘y/n’s summer bucket list’. I put in the syrups for all the fruits you named and a lot of sugar and ice,’ he says, putting them down with a flourish, my heart warming as I smile at him. ‘Thank you. It looks amazing,’ I say, taking a sip, my eyes widening as the flavours explode in my mouth. ‘And it tastes amazing too,’ Jimin says, having already taken a (large) gulp.

‘I’m not the best barista here for nothing. But, y/n, you gotta take the credit. It is named after you,’ Yoongi says, and I roll my eyes with a smile. ‘Get out of here. But, for real, it tastes great, Yoongi,’ I say, the boy giving me the cutest gummy smile, and then I notice Jimin fiddling around with the camera. ‘What are you trying to do?’ I ask, stifling a laugh, and he sighs defeatedly. ‘Take a picture of us with your drink,’ he says, and I hold back a smile, ‘get someone else to take it.’

He ropes in an innocent woman sat beside us with her friend, and she takes a while to focus the camera on us and get the three of us in frame, but when the photo develops, it’s pretty good. ‘Perfect. Right, let’s head back and get Coco,’ Jimin says, and I hold out a hand. ‘Wait. Yoongi, will you sign this shirt?’ I ask, and he looks a little confused. Nevertheless, he signs it as ‘Min Yoongi – creator of the iconic ‘y/n’s summer bucket list’ drink and y/n’s school friend’.

Jimin looks thoughtful as we rise from our seats, and I side-eye him. I’ve noticed that a little bit of panic appears in my chest when I see that look on his face. ‘Yoongi, you busy tonight?’ Jimin asks, and Yoongi shakes his head. ‘I’m never busy,’ he says, and I stifle a laugh. ‘When d’you get off work?’ ‘4.’ ‘Come ‘round to Tae and Joon’s. I got an idea,’ Jimin says cryptically, wiggling his eyebrows at me, and I give him a look.

‘Okay. See you guys later then,’ Yoongi says before turning to head into the back. ‘Wait. Don’t we need to pay?’ I ask, and Yoongi smiles at me, a little sadness behind the expression. ‘It’s on the house. I might even speak to the manager about getting this drink put on the menu,’ he says, and I smile at him, trying to ignore the tears in my eyes. ‘Good idea. Thanks, Yoongi. See you later,’ I say, Jimin bidding him goodbye as he disappears into the back. ‘Okay,’ Jimin turns to look at me with a grin, ‘let’s go get Coco.’

‘Oh, y/n. Oh, my angel, I’m so sorry,’ Mrs Choi says for the eleventh time, dabbing at her eyes with her handkerchief, and I smile sadly. ‘It’s okay, Mrs Choi,’ I say, not sure what else to say, when Jimin appears at my elbow. ‘Everything’s in the car now, so whenever you’re ready,’ he says with a grin as he hands me the house keys, Mrs Choi looking him up and down. ‘Oh, Mrs Choi, this is Jimin… an old school friend. Jimin, this is Mrs Choi, my lovely neighbour who my dog likes more than me,’ I say, Mrs Choi laughing as Jimin shakes her hand, bowing his head politely.

‘Oh, don’t be silly, y/n, Coco adores you. He cries whenever you leave him with me,’ she says, and I raise an eyebrow. ‘And then cries when I come to pick him up,’ I point out, and she waves a hand dismissively. ‘It’s because I feed him so much,’ Mrs Choi says, and I laugh, Coco appearing in the doorway behind her. He comes bounding up to me, my heart filling as he rests his front paws on my leg, and I bend down to pick him up. ‘Hi, baby. You okay?’ I say, showering him in kisses, and ducking away when he tries to lick my face. I hate when he licks my makeup off.

‘That is the cutest dog ever,’ Jimin says, and I hold Coco out to him. He instantly takes him into his arms, and giggles when he licks the tip of his nose. Coco leaps out of his arms, and he panics, trying to catch him, but he does it all the time, bounding around the front garden. ‘Here,’ Mrs Choi says, handing Jimin the little tennis ball she keeps beside the door for when she plays with Coco. He instantly throws it and Coco bounds after it, running straight back to him with it in his mouth.

‘He’s handsome,’ Mrs Choi observes quietly so Jimin can’t hear, and I roll my eyes. ‘And doesn’t he know it?’ ‘Are you… and him…?’ ‘Oh, God, no. I… there’s a list of things I wanted to do this summer, and he’s helping me get through it all before I...’ I trail off, and she nods, blinking furiously, obviously trying not to cry. ‘That’s lovely of him. Make sure you take lots of pictures to show me,’ she says, and I grin. ‘We’ve already started a photo album. Actually. Hold on,’ I say, getting the camera out of my bag as Jimin bends down to pet Coco who jumps on him, the unexpectedness making him fall onto his back. I get a really cute picture of him lying down, laughing, with Coco on his chest, trying to lick his face.

‘Lovely. Well, I’ll let you get to it. But make sure you come to see me again before… well, when you get back from ticking off your list,’ she says, pulling me into a hug, and I screw my eyes shut, trying my hardest not to cry in front of her. She’s been like a mother figure to me since I moved out of my parents’ house, always coming over to check if I’m okay, bringing me food and inviting me around at least once a week, looking after Coco whenever I need her to. I’m heartbroken that I’m going to be leaving a hole in her life when I go.

‘I will. See you later, Mrs Choi,’ I say, pulling away from her, and we exchange a sad smile. ‘See you, y/n. Be careful, dear, and have fun,’ she says sadly, pressing a kiss to my cheek, giving me one last long look before she disappears into her house. I don’t blame her; I’d be struggling to deal if I were in her position.

‘Okay. Let’s go,’ I call to Jimin who’s sat cross legged on the floor, Coco running towards him with the ball and dropping it beside him. Jimin’s standing when I reach them and he hands me the ball, Coco’s eyes never leaving it. ‘Do you want Coco to sit on my lap or do you mind him sitting in the back?’ I ask, as we walk towards his car, and he shrugs. ‘He can sit in the back, I don’t mind,’ he says, and I pull open the back door, putting the ball in there, and Coco leaps in without hesitation. I shut the door behind him before climbing into the passenger seat, Jimin already sat in the driver’s seat.

‘You ready?’ he says excitedly as he starts the engine, putting on the radio which is currently playing Justin Bieber. ‘Yep. Let’s do this,’ I say, sneaking one last look at Mrs Choi’s house. And then it hits me. This might be the last time I look at her house. I might die before I get to see her again.

My body goes cold all over, tears prickling in my eyes as my throat constricts painfully. It just repeats in my head again and again; ‘I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.’

Coco realises I’m upset before Jimin does, and he begins to whine from the backseat. ‘Is Coco okay?’ I hear Jimin’s voice distantly, and when I don’t reply, I hear him coo, ‘Coco? What’s the matter, boy?’ And then he looks over at me.

‘Oh,’ he breathes out, instantly pulling over. ‘y/n,’ he says gently, reaching out to take one of my hands, and the second his skin touches mine, I burst into tears. He shuffles as close as he can, the gearstick separating us, and he leans across the gap, pulling me into his arms. I sob into his shoulder, letting him hold me as the tears come in an endless flood, whispering the words ‘I’m going to die’ every few seconds.

Once I’ve calmed down (and feel ridiculously uncomfortable in the position we’re in), I gently push away from him, and he releases me, still holding one of my hands in his. ‘Sorry,’ I whisper, and he frowns. ‘Don’t apologise. You’re allowed to be upset. Like, you’re going to die, for God’s sake; you can cry about that. Cry as much as you want, you’re entitled to do so. Just… tell me when you’re upset so I don’t say something stupid,’ he says ruefully, a small laugh falling from my lips, and he grins.

‘It’s just… it’s not fair. There’s still so much I wanted to do with my life. I’ll never work in my dream job. There are so many beautiful places I’ll never get to see. Tokyo, Mexico, Portugal, Bali, Dubai, India, Australia, Brazil, Hawaii, The Caribbean, The Maldives, Greece, Morocco. So many things that everyone does that I’ll never get a chance to do. Fall in love, get married, have a family. I’ve never even been in a relationship,’ I say with a harsh laugh, and Jimin sighs.

‘You’re right, y/n. It’s not fair, it’s not fair at all. You deserve so much more, so much better. You’ve been robbed of the rest of your life. You’re allowed to be angry. I’m angry,’ he says so simply, and it feels as though his words just… make it all okay. It’s hard to explain, but they feel like a consolation. They make me feel like the way I’m feeling isn’t me just being irrational, or a spoiled brat, because I know that it could be worse. They make me feel like I’m justified in my thoughts and feelings. And that’s what I need right now.

‘Thank you,’ I say, sniffling a little, and he smiles at me. ‘You’re most welcome, y/n. Now. Are you ready to go to Tae and Joon’s or would you like to cry for a little longer?’ he says teasingly, and I laugh, shoving him gently. ‘Drive, you moron,’ I say, and he gasps as he starts up the car, a small grin playing at his lips as he says, ‘Moron? I’m about to give you the summer of a lifetime in four days. Do you think a moron could do that? No, of course they couldn’t.’

‘y/n! Oh, my God, girl, it’s so good to see you!’ Taehyung exclaims the second I open the car door, running over from the front door and throwing his arms around me. I was always a little closer to Taehyung than I was to Jimin, because we had quite a few classes together. I hug him back, my face practically smushed against his chest as he holds me in a bone-crushingly tight embrace.

‘Hey, Taehyung. How have you been?’ I ask as he releases me, his hands still on my shoulders. He holds me at arm’s length, looking me up and down, before an appreciative grin spreads across his face. I hold back from pointing out that he still has the same adorable boxy smile from high school. And then I register his bright blue hair, stifling a laugh at how eccentric he still is. ‘I’m good. You got hot, y/n!’ he exclaims, and I feel blood rushing to my face from embarrassment.

‘Thank you. But look at you! You’re so handsome, Tae,’ I grin, and he grins back with a little wink. Everything about him is just as appealing as back then. Tae was definitely a ladies’ man… and a men’s man too. He was loud and bubbly, his personality easily grabbing the attention of everyone in any room, and his laugh was crazy infectious. He was the perfect mix of cute and hot, and he’s only gotten hotter, with his manly features and strong build.

‘Thank you, babe. Come in, come in. Jimin, do you need a hand with the bags? No? Good,’ he says, not even waiting for an answer from Jimin before he drags me up towards the house, the other boy muttering behind us as I hear him pop the boot open.

The second I step over the threshold, a ball of fluff appears and begins yapping at me from behind Tae, and he bends down to pick it up. ‘y/n, this is my beloved son, Kim Yeontan, or Tannie for short,’ Taehyung says, introducing me to his little Pomeranian, who has now quietened down and is staring at me with a curious look in his eyes. ‘Hi, Tannie,’ I coo at the dog, reaching a hand out to stroke his head, and he lets me with a contented little growl low in his throat.

‘Ah, he likes you! He rarely likes strangers. Little coward,’ Taehyung says affectionately as I slip off my shoes, Jimin appearing in the doorway with my bag (a suitcase, actually – yes, I might be dying soon, but I wanna make sure I look good when I do, so I had to bring plenty of clothes) in one hand, and Coco in the other. And then the barking match starts.

Coco and Yeontan incessantly yowl and woof at each other, both of them scrabbling to get out of Jimin and Tae’s arms. And then Taehyung puts Tan down, and Tan instantly shuts up, hiding behind his dad’s legs. Jimin does the same, putting Coco down, and he tries to get Jimin to pick him up again. ‘They’re both cowards,’ I mutter with a smile as Taehyung leads us down the front hallway, Yeontan trotting along beside him as I follow behind, Coco hanging back with Jimin as he takes his shoes off and shuts the front door.

We enter the kitchen, and if it wasn’t clear from the outside of the house, it’s made clear now; this house is beautiful, and expensive. It’s roomy and spacious, modern and clean, with classy and tasteful furnishings. ‘I love your house, Tae. It’s so nice, and I love the way you’ve decorated,’ I say, and he beams at me, eyes nearly disappearing behind their lids. ‘Thank you, y/n. It was all me – Joon has no sense of decoration,’ he says, sounding genuinely touched, and Jimin raises an eyebrow at me as he walks in. ‘Look at you sucking up,’ he mutters with a grin, and Tae and I both shoot him dirty looks.

‘You want something to drink, y/n? Before we get started on the chalk?’ he asks, and I shake my head. ‘I’m okay, thank you,’ I reply, but he’s already distracted with the list that Jimin’s put in front of him on the marble island counter. ‘Ooh, so this is the list? Let’s have a look,’ he says before reading it intently. Once he’s done, his eyes flit up to me, before flitting back down to the page.

‘Don’t take offence to this, okay?’ he says, and I already brace myself for a mocking remark. ‘Some of this stuff is, like, basic teenager stuff. How have you not done all of this already?’ he asks softly, and I feel a little embarrassed. ‘I don’t know, I just… after high school, I drifted from the girls – I still talk to them every now and then, but it isn’t the same – and I didn’t really… make any new friends to do these kind of things with. I have my work friends, but the most I’ve ever done with them is a night out. And in high school, I guess I was… too cautious and too scared to join in on these kind of things. We went on a group trip to the beach – I was the only one that didn’t skinny dip. The end of school prank was dyeing our hair in the school toilets – I was the one of the only ones that didn’t dye mine. Everyone planned a camping trip together – I didn’t go. I was, and still am, a little… uptight, I guess? I wanted to change that this summer, but…’ I trail off, and Tae surprises me by nodding sadly.

‘Jimin told me on the phone while you were talking to your neighbour,’ he says, and I shoot Jimin a look. ‘I thought it’d be better if you didn’t have to keep telling people!’ he exclaims defensively, and I nod with a roll of my eyes, thinking his reasoning is fair enough. ‘I’m really sorry, y/n. There’s not much someone can say in these kind of situations, but I just want you to know that I’m so sorry, and that it’s so unfair,’ he says gently, and I smile sadly. ‘Thank you. I appreciate that.’

‘Now, anyway. Shall we get on with this list? I know Jimin said that we can start with chalk and ice cream, but…’ Tae says, voice a lot more cheerful as he sidles over to me, twisting a lock of my hair around his finger, ‘I think we should dye your hair first.’ ‘Dye it?’ I say, lifting a hand to pat my hair protectively, having not yet worked up the courage. ‘Yep. I have trillions of box dyes upstairs – you can choose any colour you like,’ he says, and I look over at Jimin who grins, nodding encouragingly.

A few minutes later, I’m sat on a stool in Tae’s lavish bathroom, a towel resting over my shoulders as I inspect the boxes laid out on the counter in front of me, Taehyung and Jimin stood behind me as Coco and Tan play in Tae’s bedroom (they seem to be the best of friends now). ‘I’m thinking I shouldn’t go too wild considering it’ll be my funeral in a little while and my parents will probably want an open casket,’ I say musingly, Taehyung choking on air as Jimin holds back a smile.

‘Good idea. Maybe… highlights or ombre rather than the whole head?’ Jimin suggests, and I nod, feeling a little more at ease at not having to take the full plunge. ‘Okay… what colour then?’ Taehyung asks, and I look at all the colours. ‘Um… I don’t know. It’s really difficult,’ I say a little timidly, both boys nodding reassuringly, trying to give me a little more confident. ‘You’re right, it is difficult. How about… two platinum blonde streaks at the front of your hair?’ Taehyung asks, and I nearly choke.

‘Blonde streaks… like an e-girl?’ I ask, and Tae laughs, nodding. ‘It’s on trend, and I think you’ll be able to pull it off really well,’ Tae says thoughtfully, and whilst I’m still not convinced, Jimin nods excitedly. ‘Yes, that’d look amazing! Go on, y/n, you should!’ Jimin urges, eyes locked with mine in the mirror, and I sigh before nodding with a small smile. ‘Why not? Go for it,’ I say, the two of them exchanging a grin.

Before I know it, the front sections of my hair have been bleached and foiled, and a timer has been set for 20 minutes. And Jimin is contemplating dyeing his own hair. ‘I mean, I’ve had black for so long, and I need a change, right? I’ve been wanting to go bright for a while. But do I go a natural bright, or a colourful bright?’ he muses, Tae fake yawning at him in the mirror, coaxing a giggle from me, but Jimin doesn’t notice, too busy inspecting the dye boxes.

‘If it helps, I liked it when you went blond at school. You look nice blond,’ I say, and he looks at me in the mirror with a thoughtful look in his eyes. ‘Bright blond, or platinum blond, or dirty blond?’ he asks, and I think for a moment before answering, ‘bright blond.’ ‘Okay, let’s go bright blond then,’ he says instantly, disappearing off to get a towel from Tae’s airing cupboard.

‘That was… interesting,’ Tae says with a smirk at me in the mirror, and I look back at him confusedly. ‘How so?’ ‘He never takes anyone’s advice when it comes to his hair dye. And he never decides that quick,’ he says, his smirk even wider, but Jimin reappears before I can reply. I try to shake off Tae’s words as Jimin looks for the right box dye.

‘Maybe I should dye my hair too,’ Tae says, looking at his blue locks in the mirror. ‘I like you with brown hair, Tae. I’d like it if you had brown hair at my funeral,’ I say, and his eyes widen slightly at the mention of it again. ‘Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. We should all have natural colours for the funeral, out of respect,’ Jimin says, and I frown. ‘No, I don’t mind if you guys had the craziest colours ever. I just think you look so… classically handsome with brown hair, Tae,’ I say, and he looks smug at my compliment. ‘Okay,’ he grins, reaching for a box dye, Jimin and I exchanging a look in the mirror as he says, ‘guess I’m going brown then.’

‘When did you go brown, Tae? And you blond, Jimin?’ a voice suddenly says, making all three of us jump. There’s a man stood on Taehyung’s front garden, and I remember him as Jung Hoseok from school. He was cute back then, but he’s handsome now with his golden skin and his silky brown hair. ‘About… 90 minutes ago,’ Taehyung says, currently drawing what looks like a heart but could also be an alien, and Hoseok nods as though it’s perfectly normal.

‘Hey, y/n. Your hair looks nice,’ Hoseok says, shooting a heart-shaped smile at me, and I smile back. I’m still not used to my hair being blonde when it falls into my face, but it does look nice – Tae and Jimin did a good job. ‘Hey, Hoseok. Thank you. Tae and Jimin did it.’ ‘Please, call me Hobi. Anyway, how are you?’ he says before wincing, obviously already aware of my situation. Jimin really can’t keep his mouth shut. ‘I’m okay. How are you?’ I ask, and he nods, replying, ‘I’m good. Excited to work on this list.’ ‘Well, get some chalk and get your ass down here to help us,’ Jimin says from where he’s sprawled out on the gravel, drawing a dog (or attempting to, anyway).

We’ve been working on the chalk for just over an hour, listening to music from Taehyung’s speaker that’s sat in the doorway (Coco and Tan have already knocked it over several times whilst they’ve been playing). Bright chalk covers nearly all of Taehyung and Namjoon’s driveway – except for where Tae and Jimin’s cars are – rainbows, flowers, hearts, clouds surrounding us (as well as a bunny, a pineapple, a unicorn, a slice of watermelon and Jimin’s dog).

‘It looks like you’re nearly done,’ Hoseok observes, and I nod, wiping my forehead clean of sweat. ‘Yeah, we are. This isn’t as fun as I thought it was going to be,’ I say frankly, the others all laughing. ‘The fun comes from taking pictures with the chalk,’ Taehyung says, and I get up instantly. ‘Okay, let’s just take pictures and then carry on with the list,’ I say, the three of them laughing again as Jimin and Taehyung get up from the floor.

Taehyung instantly goes into director mode, making me lie down in a gap in the chalk. Jimin stands over me, one foot on either side of my waist, taking pictures on both the camera and his phone whilst Taehyung directs him on how to take them and me on how to pose, Hobi using his phone torch to give us better lighting (it doesn’t make much of a difference, but he’s trying).

I start to feel a little embarrassed, wondering what we must look like to Tae’s neighbours, before I remember that life is short – mine especially – so I should make the most of it without worrying what people think of me. After a few minutes (and a few dozen pictures), I get into it a little more, and the boys all begin hyping me up, Jimin making a few flirty comments here and there.

And then Jimin joins me, Taehyung taking the camera and Hobi directing us (he’s even more… bossy than Taehyung, instructing us down to the simplest things – the positions of our fingers, the direction we look in, the angle of our heads. Everything.)

‘You guys are gonna make her regret asking for help,’ a voice comes from the driveway, all of us looking over to see Namjoon and Jungkook from school stood there, leaning against the Jimin’s car. ‘Watch the car!’ Jimin exclaims, both of them heading over. ‘Just for the record, I didn’t ask for help. Jimin forc- I mean, Jimin volunteered his help,’ I say, correcting myself when he shoots me a dirty look, the others laughing.

‘It’s good to see you guys again. Did you walk here?’ I ask, and Namjoon nods. ‘It’s good to see you too. Jungkook picked me up from work, and then we dropped his car off and walked here. We all live really close to each other. Jimin, Jungkook and Hobi live on the road up there, and Jin and Yoongi live on the road down that way,’ Namjoon points, and I nod, thinking how sweet it is that they all live so close together.

‘JK, the blue’s gonna have to go,’ Tae says to the baby of their group. He’s changed more than all of them; he still has his big eyes and his cute bunny teeth, but that’s where the similarities end. He’s so handsome, and his body is lean and tall. Not as tall as Namjoon, though; he always was tall, but he’s grown even more now, and he’s gorgeous, with his dimples and blond hair. It’s like only beautiful people are allowed in their friendship group.

‘What?’ Jungkook asks, confused, his eyes wide. ‘You need to dye your hair brown again,’ Tae says, Jungkook frowning. ‘Why? I’ve only been blue for a couple days. Don’t you like it?’ ‘It looks great, but we’re all going natural out of respect, for y/n’s funeral,’ Jimin says casually, Jungkook choking and Namjoon slapping his back with wide eyes. ‘Jimin. You can’t just drop it in like that,’ Hobi reprimands, but I wave it off. ‘It’s fine, I’d prefer if we just spoke about it normally. Anyway, you don’t have to go brown, Jungkook, it’s okay,’ I say, Jungkook nodding, still looking a little shell-shocked.

‘Can we get up now?’ I say to Hobi from where I’m lying on the floor, shoulder-to-shoulder with Jimin, and he shakes his head. ‘If you want to make a scrapbook, you can’t just have pictures of you and Jimin in it. You need to get pictures with all of us,’ he says simply, and I bite my tongue, knowing I’ll just have to suck it up. Twenty minutes later, I’ve taken several pictures with all of the boys, and it was a little fun, I guess. We’ll have run out of film by the end of the day at this rate.

But my head’s starting to hurt a little, and I know I can’t take anymore. ‘Can we stop now? I’ve got a bit of a headache,’ I say, sitting up, and they all look a little worried. ‘Is it from being under the sun for so long?’ Hobi asks, nervously, but Tae speaks before I can reply; ‘no, it’s probably the hair dye.’ Jimin looks at them both incredulously. ‘I think it’s the tumour in her brain,’ he says slowly, and I can’t help but share his exasperation at their stupid suggestions, the boys all falling into a shocked silence as Jimin looks to me with thinly-veiled amusement.

‘Yeah, I think you’re right, Jimin, it probably is,’ I say, holding back a laugh. ‘Do you want some painkillers?’ Tae asks weakly, and I smile, shaking my head. ‘I’m okay, thanks. I might just have a little lie-down, if that’s okay?’ I ask, Tae nodding straight away. ‘I’ll show you to one of the guest rooms and you can have a shower, or a nap, if you want?’ Tae suggests as Hobi and Jimin help me up, my head dizzy and light, and I nod. ‘That sounds perfect.’

I blink in the slices of soft sunlight that fall between the blinds onto the bed, sitting up carefully. My head feels a lot better after that nap, which was the best nap of my life, by the way. Tae and Joon must be seriously rich, because this bed is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in. And the room is super lavish, monochrome and clean, with a deep carpet and expensive looking furnishings. The bathroom was nice too, and I dragged out my shower a lot longer than usual, my skin smelling fresh with Tae and Namjoon’s expensive passionfruit body wash.

I slowly climb out of the bed, looking at myself in the floor to ceiling mirror on the wall opposite me. I still can’t get used to the hair, but it does look good. Tae has good taste, and he and Jimin put the dye in really well – the front sections of my hair are the perfect vibrant blonde. Tae put all these different haircare products in it after he washed out the dye, and it feels healthier than ever before. It’s obvious he’s dyed his hair plenty, because he’s clearly an expert. He could be a hairdresser if he wanted to.

I open my suitcase and get out a bralet to put on (my pyjamas are satin, and I’d rather not have my nipples visible through them in a room full of childhood friends I haven’t seen for years) and put it on beneath my black button-up pyjama shirt. I quickly splash some water over my face to wake myself up a little before I head downstairs, following the loud voices that lead me into the kitchen. Namjoon’s stood at the counter, making coffee, Jungkook, Jimin, Tae and Hobi sat around the breakfast bar with two new arrivals; Yoongi, and Seokjin. Seokjin literally hasn’t aged a day, and he’s somehow even more handsome than he was back then, with his plump lips and swept back dark hair.

‘Sleeping beauty awakes!’ Jimin exclaims when he sees me walk in, and I smile softly, still a little sleepy. His blond hair really does look good, the perfect summer colour, and Tae’s looks really good too – the dark brown locks make him look like a model. ‘y/n! They were right, you really are gorgeous!’ Jin exclaims, jumping up and pulling me into a hug, and I try to supress the embarrassment I’m feeling at them talking about me, and telling Jin I’m gorgeous. One thing I remember about Jin was that he never used to feel embarrassed, at anything. Sometimes he’d get a little shy, and his ears would go red, but he’d never hesitate to do something, even if it was embarrassing, if it would help to ease any awkwardness and make people feel comfortable.

His hugging me, despite us barely speaking when we went to school together and not having seen each other for years, is just what I need, and a perfect example of how kind Jin is.

‘Thanks, Jin, but look at you! You’re really handsome,’ I say honestly, feeling at ease after his hug, and he grins at me. ‘You didn’t call me handsome, y/n, but you called Tae and Jin handsome,’ Jimin pouts, and I roll my eyes at him. ‘She knows Tae and I are the best-looking, that’s why,’ Jin says, and Jimin scowls at him before looking back at me, still waiting for an answer. ‘Just because I didn’t say it out loud, doesn’t mean I didn’t think it,’ I say matter-of-factly, and he grins proudly. ‘What about the rest of us?’ Hobi asks, all of them flashing smiles at me, and I blink a few times. ‘You’re all handsome. Now stop smiling at me before I faint,’ I say, all of them laughing.

‘Coffee, y/n?’ Namjoon asks, but I shake my head. ‘I’m trying to cut down on my caffeine intake. Thanks, though,’ I say, and Jimin frowns. ‘y/n, it’s not like it matters,’ Jimin says, everyone wincing, and I laugh, nodding in agreement. ‘You’re right. I will have some, please, Namjoon,’ I say, everyone laughing again as Namjoon nods with a smile, getting another mug out for me. ‘Sit down, y/n,’ Tae says, patting the empty seat between him and Jungkook, and I sit in it, feeling a little self-conscious. I’m in my pyjamas, with no makeup and slight bedhead, and they’re all just… so handsome.

‘What do you guys do? For you all to be at home at… 5.38 on a Wednesday?’ I say, reading the time on the clock. I have all of the boys on social media, so I vaguely know some of what goes on in their lives, but not much. It’s hard to keep track of everyone from school. ‘Um, I own my own photography business. We do photography for weddings, parties, photo shoots, etc. and we’ve had some pretty high-profile clients, so we’re quite successful. And I do some art on the side, and some of my paintings have sold well, hence the fancy house. I get to work from home most of the time, because I mainly do editing – I’ve hired photographers, but I do a couple weddings here and there,’ Tae says, and I’m impressed, though not surprised. Tae always did have a talent for art, and he was the photographer for the school newspaper, so this career is perfect for him.

‘I own my own dance studio, and we only open on Monday and Tuesday 6-9, Thursday 3-6, and then Saturdays and Sundays,’ Hoseok says and, again, I’m not surprised; Hoseok always loved his dancing and he put more effort into dance than into his school work, but I guess it paid off.

‘I work for Hobi and Tae. I teach classes every day that it’s open, and then I do some photography work every couple weeks. And I do some shifts here and there at a tattoo shop,’ Jungkook says, and I think it’s really cute that he works for his friends, though I wonder if it sparks any arguments between them. I look at Jimin when Jungkook mentions the tattoo shop, and Jimin grins with a little nod, my stomach turning. Obviously, he was referring to where Jungkook works when he said he knew the perfect place for me to get a tattoo.

‘I do all the finances and admin and paperwork for Tae and Hobi, and I work for a small record label, producing and rapping,’ Namjoon says as he puts my coffee down in front of me, and I thank him with a smile, quite surprised to hear Namjoon’s career choice. To be fair, Namjoon excelled in all of his subjects, so he’d be good at whatever he chose to do.

‘I’m a part-time chef at this restaurant in the city, and I’m also studying to become an actor,’ Jin says, and I’m impressed. I didn’t know Jin was interested in cooking or in acting, but now that I look at him, he really does look like an actor, and I could imagine him as a chef too, with one of those big white hats.

‘I’m a barista, as you know, I teach a couple piano lessons a week, and I do some rapping and producing at the same company as Namjoon,’ Yoongi explains, and I remember how good he was at piano. He was chosen to play at one of these awards’ evenings we had at school, and we were all so impressed at how good he was. Rapping, though? I never knew he could rap.

Everyone looks at Jimin to answer, but he looks back blankly before saying, ‘I already told her my job.’ They all nod before looking back at me. ‘What do you do, y/n?’ Jin asks, and I roll my eyes. ‘I work part-time as an assistant at a law firm, and I’m studying to become a lawyer. Or I was anyway,’ I trail off, a little sad that I’ll never be able to do my dream job, and the boys all give me pitying looks. Except for Jimin, who says, ‘damn, y/n, you’re clever. Law student, huh?’ I nod with a smile, and he grins. ‘You could’ve got in on the family businesses, and done all the boring legal shit for us,’ Jimin says, and I grimace, internally endeared at him calling them the family businesses. ‘I’d have passed. Sorry,’ I say, the boys all laughing.

‘Okay, enough chit chat. Let’s carry on with your list,’ Jin says, picking it up from where it sits in the middle of the island, and I take a sip of my coffee. ‘Should I wash the chalk from your driveway?’ I ask Tae and Joon, and they both shake their heads. ‘I was about to, but Jin stopped me. He wants some pictures with you and the chalk,’ Tae says, and I let out a sigh, all them laughing. ‘We’ve literally spent all of our time on the chalk so far. Your four days are gonna fly by,’ I say to Jimin, who waves it off with an easy grin.

‘Stop trying to worry me. Four days is plenty. You go take some pictures with Jin, and Yoongi, while I set up the next thing for us to tick off,’ Jimin says, getting up and pulling me off my seat, pushing me towards the door. ‘Make sure you get plenty of good pictures,’ Jimin says to Tae with a mischievous glance at me, who nods, and I roll my eyes. ‘We’re gonna run out of film,’ I say, but Jimin shakes his head with a grin. ‘I went out whilst you were asleep and got some more supplies, including a few more boxes of film,’ he grins, and I let out a deep sigh as Tae and Jin drag me outside, Yoongi trailing behind, and Jimin waving at us from the doorway.

‘Done with your photoshoot?’ Jimin asks as we walk into the living room. ‘Yes, thank God,’ I say, throwing myself down onto the sofa. ‘Jin, you’re way too demanding. We were out there for forty-five minutes,’ Yoongi says, flopping down next to me, and Jin scowls at us from the doorway. ‘Tae wasn’t getting my angles!’ he exclaims, and Tae’s eyes widen. ‘You’re not blaming this on me. I own a photography business, so don’t accuse me of being a bad photographer,’ Tae says, Jin opening his mouth to speak, but Jimin interrupts; ‘don’t argue. y/n’s dying.’

They go silent, and I burst out laughing as Jimin grins at me. ‘You can’t drop that into every conversation, Jimin,’ I laugh, the others relaxing a little, and Jimin shrugs. ‘I can. Just watch. Anyway, before you get comfy, we need to go into the dining room,’ he says vaguely with a knowing grin, and I narrow my eyes at him. ‘I don’t want to, because of that look on your face,’ I say suspiciously, and he laughs. ‘Come on, y/n, we gotta tick the next thing off your list,’ Jimin says amusedly, holding a hand out to me, and I take it after a moment of hesitation, letting him pull me up. He doesn’t let go of my hand, dragging me behind him into the dining room, and it takes a little while for me to register what’s going on.

The table is set up with these different machines, and Jungkook sits at the table with an empty seat beside him, a lamp set up to cast a bright light onto the empty chair. And then I spot the little book on the table, sat beside a bunch of needles lined up on a small white sheet.

Jungkook’s about to give me a tattoo.

‘Oh, hell no,’ I say, turning around, but Jimin grabs me around the waist before I can walk away, picking me up and carrying me over to the door as I struggle around in his arms, the other boys watching amusedly. But Jimin’s freakishly strong, and my struggling doesn’t work. He puts me down in the empty chair, and I pout at him before looking around at the others. Tae, Jin and Yoongi are stood in one doorway, blocking it, and Namjoon and Hobi stand in the other, blocking that too. I literally cannot leave, and when I look down at the needles, my stomach turns.

‘Do you want to look through the book?’ Jungkook asks gently, and I sigh. ‘Not really,’ I say, all of them laughing as he hands me the book, and I flip through it. ‘Can you all stop looking at me? Or at least put on some music so I don’t feel so tense,’ I say, more laughter rippling around the room as Taehyung gets his phone out of his pocket and taps the screen a couple times, gentle RnB music floating out into the room from the ceiling. They must have a built-in sound system – their house really is boujee.

I scan the book and some of the designs are cute, but none of them really stand out to me. ‘Struggling to choose one?’ Jungkook asks quietly, the others having conversations between themselves, and I nod. He rolls up his sleeve, and shows me the various tattoos that cover his arm and hand. He has a flower, a skeleton hand, the word ‘Truth’, the woozy emoji, a purple heart, a little crown and some black stripes with various numbers and letters on his hand. ‘They all stand for different things. Like, for example, this is the tiger flower, which is my birth flower, and the letters all stand for the guys. So you could get some that are meaningful to you, or you could just get something that you think looks pretty. It’s up to you,’ he says, and I nod, thinking.

I decide on getting my birth flower, a little bolt of lightning and my parents’ initials. ‘Why don’t you get something summer related?’ Jimin suggests softly, and I think before nodding. ‘Like… the sun, or something?’ I ask, and he shrugs. ‘Whatever you want. You could get a picture or a quote, anything you want. It’s up to you, y/n. It’s your body,’ he says, and I nod, thinking about the first idea I had for a tattoo when I wrote that list. ‘How about ‘we’ll always have summer’… or is that silly?’ I ask, and Jungkook shakes his head straight away.

‘Of course it isn’t silly,’ he says, but Jimin looks at me thoughtfully. ‘Who’s we?’ he asks, and I sigh. ‘I don’t know. A general ‘we’, I guess? Like… as bleak as life gets, as boring, as sad, as hard as life is, there’s always the hope, the promise, the excitement of summer. So no matter what happens, we’ll always have summer,’ I explain, Jungkook’s eyes widening, and Jimin nodding at me with a small smile. ‘Wow, that’s so deep, y/n. You’re so clever,’ Jungkook says, and I laugh, waving it off.

‘Have you decided yet?’ Hobi asks, and I nod, feeling a little nervous. ‘I’m getting my birth flower, a bolt of lightning, my parents’ initials, and ‘we’ll always have summer’. What do you think?’ I ask, and Hobi smiles, looking impressed. ‘You’re getting four?’ he asks, and I laugh. ‘Might as well.’ ‘Where do you want them?’ Jungkook asks, and I hesitate. ‘Where does it hurt least?’ ‘Your ass,’ Jimin says with a grin, and I swat at him whilst the others all laugh. ‘The least painful is usually your back, the outside of your arms, the inside of your forearm and the outsides of your thighs. Hands aren’t too bad, and nor are shoulders,’ Jungkook explains.

After a lot of deliberation, we make the decision as a group of where I should have them; birth flower on my inner forearm, my parents’ initials on my right ring finger, the lightning bolt on the side of my ribcage/side-boob, and the quote on the back of my left shoulder. ‘How long will it take, Jungkook?’ I ask as Jungkook sets up all his equipment, the others arguing about what we should have for dinner. ‘Please, call me JK, or Kook, or whatever. And, it shouldn’t take longer than a few hours, because they’re all quite small. The quote will take the longest, and I can usually do quotes in an hour and a half, so I’d say… three hours, maybe three and a half?’ he says, and I feel dread at the thought of being in pain for that long. But it’s fine. I’ll be fine.

‘Are you still not done?’ Taehyung demands as he enters the room, Jungkook’s eyes still fixed on my finger as he sighs. ‘Relax, I’m doing the last one now. I’ll be done in a few minutes,’ he says, and Tae huffs. ‘You’re taking ages. We want to do the next thing on her list.’ ‘Don’t rush me, Tae. Tattooing is an art,’ Jungkook says calmly, Tae rolling his eyes from behind Jungkook’s back, and I hold back a laugh.

It actually wasn’t that painful, surprisingly. The worst thing was having to stay still for so long. He started with my birth flower, and it was fascinating to watch the ink appear on my skin, at first. The fascination soon wore off, and I was itching to move, but I knew I’d just ruin it if I did.

Then he moved onto the quote. I had to tie my hair up into a bun and sit backwards on a chair whilst he did it, and Jimin fed me some of the Chinese food they’d ordered, keeping me entertained with his stupid antics. Jin tried to feed Jungkook, but when he choked Jungkook with a chopstick, Jungkook decided he’d just eat afterwards.

And then he did my lightning bolt. I had to take off my top and unclasp my bra, holding it in place with my arm out of the way so Jungkook could get to my side-boob easily, and I told the boys that none of them could come in whilst he was doing that one, because the bra kept slipping. Jungkook was very professional though, and I can’t even imagine how many boobs he’s seen over his time working as a tattoo artist.

And now he’s doing my fingers. I’m used to the stinging pain now, and I’m very proud of myself for not crying. Tae shows me some funny videos on his phone whilst Jungkook carries on with the tattoo. ‘And… done!’ he exclaims, sitting back in his chair with a sigh. I look at my hand, pleased with how the tattoo looks. ‘Thank you, JK, it’s great.’ ‘No problem. Right… let me give you the aftercare speech,’ he says as he begins to put the weird jelly stuff and a bandage onto my finger. It’s weird how professional he is – I saw him passed out drunk at house parties more times than I can remember, and now he’s giving me tattoos and telling me how to look after them properly.

‘Don’t remove these bandages for 24 hours, and when you do, wash the tattoos, gently, with an unscented soap and water, and pat it dry afterwards. Put on some of this ointment twice a day, if you can, but you don’t need to put on another bandage. Wash them a few times a day, gently, with unscented soap and water, and always pat them dry, and then put on an unscented sensitive skin moisturiser. Obviously, you’re going to tick those things off your bucket list, and I’m sure a couple involve being in the water and sun. We usually advise against being in the water and sun, but obviously, you’re not going to do that, so just don’t be in the sun for too long, and put plasters over them when you go in the water, to try and stop them being infected. It’s not really that big of a deal if they do get infected because…’ ‘I’m dying anyway.’ ‘Yeah, that. So don’t worry about it too much, but just try your best to be careful with them. Oh, and don’t go into hot water, if you can help it. Have cool showers, and not for too long, either. I think that’s it, but if you have any questions, just get my number from Jimin and text or call me. Do you have any questions now?’

‘Only one; would you rather I transferred you the money, or do you want cash?’ ‘y/n, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not charging you,’ he says as though it’s obvious, and I frown. ‘Jungkook.’ ‘No, y/n, I’m not taking money from you.’ ‘Why not? I haven’t got anything else to spend it on, remember? And it’s taken you ages!’ ‘It doesn’t matter. I’m not accepting any money from you, and that’s it. I do free tattoos for the boys all the time – Jimin’s got several from me. Just see it as a gift from an old friend,’ he says simply, with a grin, and I can’t help the small smile on my face. ‘Thank you, JK,’ I say, and he grins even wider, his cute little bunny teeth on display. ‘No problem, y/n.’

‘Are you done now? Can we move on to the next thing?’ Tae says excitedly, Jungkook nodding with a laugh at his eagerness. ‘Come on, then,’ Tae says, grabbing my hand and pulling me up, dragging me out of the dining room. He leads me towards the back door, pushing it open and moving aside to let me out first, and I gasp when I see the garden. ‘I know it’s not that big but it’s the best I could do,’ Jimin says as I slip on the sliders that he puts down on the floor in front of me, stepping out onto the light wood decking.

Tae and Namjoon’s garden is beautiful – it’s obvious at least one of the two loves gardening. The decking has steps down onto the grass which is healthy and neat, a dark, rich green, and there are trees and flowers of all different colours lining the light wood fence that runs around the garden. Fairy lights are strung up around the fence, casting a warm yellow glow across the space and there’s a fire pit in the middle of the garden, a small fire inside it with a garden furniture set placed around it, four armchairs and two two-seaters.

‘Oh, my God, this is great! Did you already have a fire pit?’ I ask Tae who shakes his head. ‘Jimin went out to buy one earlier,’ he says, and I look to Jimin with a frown. ‘You shouldn’t have. Let me give you the money for it,’ I say, and he shakes his head before I even finish speaking. ‘I don’t think so. Come on,’ he says, holding out an arm to me, and I take it with a begrudging smile. He leads me down the decking steps, across the grass to the bonfire and he sits down in an armchair as I sit in the two-seater beside it, Tae and JK following behind, the leftovers of the Chinese food in Jungkook’s hands.

‘Where are the others?’ I ask, and Jimin looks a little sheepish. ‘I, um, went to get supplies when you were sleeping, right? Well, I bought the fire pit, but I forgot all the other stuff,’ he explains, rubbing the back of his neck embarrassedly, and I hold back a laugh. ‘What other stuff?’ I ask, just as Jin and Hobi appear through the back door. ‘The biscuits, the chocolate, the marshmallows, the roasting sticks. Everything else,’ Jin says exasperatedly, the two of them coming to join us.

‘Where are the other two?’ Tae asks as they take their seats, Jin taking a prawn cracker from Jungkook’s lap, the boy shooting him a dirty look. ‘Putting the stuff onto plates for us, because a couple of us are too messy and, apparently, we’ll drop melted marshmallows and chocolate onto the grass and ruin it,’ Hobi says with a roll of his eyes, and I have a feeling he’s quoting Namjoon. ‘Am I wrong, though? There’s still the patch of grass that’s discoloured after Jimin spilled beer on it!’ Namjoon exclaims, holding blankets in his arms, Yoongi following behind with a tray in his hands, paper plates atop the tray. ‘How many times do I have to apologise for ruining your grass before you forget?’ Jimin asks tiredly as Namjoon and Yoongi take their seats, and Namjoon gives him a hard look. ‘As many times as it takes for the grass to return to its proper colour,’ Namjoon says, and I can feel an argument brewing so I quickly change the subject.

‘Shall we get a picture?’ I ask, not realising that another argument is about to start, over who’s going to take the picture. ‘Oh, my God, we’ve been arguing for five minutes! Just let me take the picture!’ Yoongi exclaims (after five minutes of arguing), his annoyance only half-hearted, and I pout. ‘No, Yoongi, I want you in the picture. I want us all in the picture,’ I say, Jin sighing and grabbing his temples before sending Namjoon to ask their nice neighbour, Mr Lee. I feel bad for disturbing him at 9.09pm on a Wednesday, but they insist. It’s more than a little awkward when he starts asking questions and Jimin says with a grin, ‘we’re ticking off y/n’s summer bucket list because she’s got a brain tumour and she’s going to die in a week.’ It’s like he can’t take the pictures quick enough after that, practically sprinting out of the garden once he’s done.

Yoongi gives us all our plates, Jungkook balancing his on one knee whilst he eats his Chinese food, and I feel pretty stupid when all of them instantly know how to put their s’mores together. ‘Have you never had s’mores before?’ Jimin asks, and I shake my head sheepishly. ‘Here, let me show you. You gotta just put a marshmallow on a stick,’ he says, and I copy the way he spears it on the stick. ‘Then you hold it over the fire for a little while, until it goes a bit brown, and then turn it over the other way,’ he says, holding his stick over the fire, and I do the same, turning it the other way once it’s browned a little. ‘And then you get a piece of chocolate and put it on top of a biscuit. And then you put the marshmallow on top of that. And then you put a piece of chocolate on top of the marshmallow, and another biscuit on top of the chocolate. Then you take it off the stick and… you got your s’more!’ he says, holding his s’more up with a flourish. It looks a lot neater than mine, but I’m still proud of myself for managing to not set fire to anything. ‘Just wait a little for it to cool down. Kook learned that the hard way,’ Jimin says pointedly, the other boy pursing his lips embarrassedly as we all laugh.

The sky is still high and light with clouds, though the sun has disappeared over the horizon, the moon a pale white circle against the soft blue. The air is still warm, but not with the humidity of earlier today, a cool tinge to the breeze that glides across my skin. It’s the perfect summer evening, made even better by the light conversations we have and the alcohol that Taehyung brings out for us – Jimin, Yoongi and Jin drink their soju like it’s going out of fashion, Jungkook, Namjoon and Hobi nursing beers instead whilst Tae and I sip on our Malibu and coke (very little Malibu actually in it). The s’mores are amazing, the warm gooey marshmallow, rich melty chocolate and crunchy sweet biscuits a perfect combination – whoever came up with s’mores is an actual genius.

‘Do you want some more s’mores, y/n?’ Hobi asks once my plate is empty, and I groan, the boys all laughing. ‘I think I’ll explode if I have another. I’ve eaten more today than I have in the last week,’ I say, clutching my stomach. ‘I’ll have one, Hobi,’ Jungkook says with a cheeky grin, and Hobi shoots him a glare, no real venom in it. ‘Get yourself one.’ ‘You offered to y/n!’ ‘You’re not dying in a week,’ Hobi says, eyes instantly flitting to me to see if I mind, but I’m already bursting into laughter, my head falling onto Jin’s shoulder which is shaking from his laughter too.

‘Are we terrible for joking about death?’ Jungkook says once we’ve all calmed down, and I sigh. A cold breeze rushes past us, biting at my skin, and I shiver, pulling my blanket closer around me and shuffling forward in my seat so I sit closer to the bonfire. It’s gotten so much cooler so quickly, all of us wrapped up in blankets. ‘What can we do but joke about it? I think I’d cry if we didn’t,’ I say into the silence, the boys all just listening as I stare into the flickering flames, deeply inhaling the smoky scent in the air.

‘It still doesn’t feel real. How do you prepare yourself for death?’ I ask, voice a little shaky, and Jin puts a hand on my shoulder gently. ‘I wish we could tell you, y/n, and make it easier for you, but it will never be easy to see someone of your age die. Old people, who have lived their lives, they can prepare for death. I don’t think you can. And I’m sorry for that, I really am. We all are,’ he says softly, his kind words bringing a sad smile to my face. ‘Thank you. Thank you all, for doing all this today, and Namjoon and Taehyung, for opening your home to me,’ I say, all of them reflecting my sad smile back at me.

‘We’d have done it even if you weren’t dying, y/n. Please, don’t think we’re only doing this because you’re dying. We’ve all known each other since we were kids. And look at all you did for us. We’d have done all of this for you regardless of your health if you asked us to,’ Namjoon says, and I look at him in confusion, wondering what he means. ‘What did I do for all of you?’ ‘We were talking about this whilst you were asleep. Remember when I was riding my bike past your house, and I fell off it?’ Namjoon asks, the others laughing at the mention, and all of a sudden, a memory I didn’t even know I had appears in my mind.

We must’ve been around 7; I don’t remember what I was doing, but I saw Namjoon on the floor outside of my house through the window, clutching onto his knee with his bike beside him. I ran and got the plasters from where they were in one of the kitchen cupboards, and practically sprinted outside. I sat down on the floor beside Namjoon, and there were tears in his eyes, and his knee was bloody. Not knowing that you’re supposed to clean a cut and disinfect it, I’d just put a plaster on for him, and then my parents saw what was going on, and took Namjoon inside to properly clean the cut, me following them in with his bike in my arms, and then they phoned his mum to let her know what had happened. Our school was a tight knit community and all the parents were friends with each other – they all had each other’s phone numbers.

‘How do you remember that?’ I ask, smiling at the memory, and he grins. ‘It’s the first act of kindness I remember experiencing. And it might have been simple, but it taught me to be kind, and do things for people when I didn’t have to, because that’s what you did for me,’ he says, and then all of the boys share the stories of things I did for them over the years we went to school together.

For Jin, I’d lost one of his crayons and then I’d brought in a whole new pack for him. When his mum mentioned it to my parents and thanked them for buying Jin a new pack, they’d had been confused; they hadn’t bought a new set of crayons. I’d taken in one of my own sets for him without telling them. Jin brought it into school every day and shared it with me and only me, and wrote both of our names on the packaging so that everyone would know that they belonged to the both of us.

For Yoongi, I’d recorded his piano performance at the awards’ evening because I’d overheard his mum saying she’d forgotten her video camera at home and didn’t have a smart phone to record it on. I’d sent it to him that night, letting him know why I’d recorded it, and he’d thanked me before showing his mum. I never knew this at the time, but apparently she was so happy that she cried, and made Yoongi give me a present to thank me. I didn’t know that Yoongi was the one who put the thank you card in my locker with a necklace in it a couple weeks later – he’d been too shy to give it to me face to face (I’d been so confused, wondering who was thanking me and for what). I still wear the necklace sometimes – it’s a silver chain with a little butterfly pendant that rests between my collarbones.

For Hobi, I’d spotted a random bag in the school car park, and checked the belongings to see that it was Hobi’s – his wallet had been in there, along with a load of money and some dance clothes. I’d brought it in the next day and gave it to him, and he’d thanked me profusely. What I didn’t know at the time was that his mum had worked multiple jobs in order to fund his dancing, including buying him all that dance gear, and that he’d thought that someone would’ve stolen it all because they were worth a lot, as well as stealing his wallet. But instead, it’d been returned back to him, with everything still in there.

For Taehyung, I’d been the only one to say I liked his drawing, back when we were little kids. It was of a little alien cartoon character, with a heart shaped head (the same thing he’d been drawing in chalk on the driveway earlier), and everyone else laughed at him and called it silly and said it looked nothing like the real cartoon. But when I told him it was nice and that I thought it was really good, it made him want to draw it more, before he started drawing other things too, and his passion for art had been sparked, all because of a little compliment from me when we could barely write our names.

For Jungkook, I’d been helping clean Dahyun’s house after her house party, and I found him passed out in the upstairs bathroom. I got Dahyun to help me get him into my car, drove him home (I knew his address from a party he’d had once), used his house keys to get him in his house, helped him lie down on the sofa, forced him to drink some water and then left a note beside a full bottle of water to letting him know who’d dropped him off at home. And then I’d locked up after myself and posted the keys through the letterbox. His mum had phoned my parents the next day to thank me profusely, and brought over some cupcakes – they were amazing, by the way.

And for Jimin, maybe the most important of them all – I’d done my end-of-year presentation on eating disorders. We had to do the presentations for our language grade, to show that we could speak with fluency and precision and accuracy, and we were told to do it on an interesting topic so that we would be motivated to write an engaging presentation. Almost everyone else did theirs on superficial things, like their hobby or their favourite celebrity. Mine was one of the only serious ones. Everyone had praised mine – I always was good at language – and I got one of the highest two grades (Namjoon and I competed for the top of the class in every lesson we had together). But what I didn’t know was that, thanks to my presentation, Jimin realised he had an eating disorder. He was virtually starving himself, not eating for days at a time, whilst over exercising, because he hated the way his body looked. And because of the helplines and websites I put at the end of the presentation, he sought help, and spoke to his parents about it. He went to the doctor with his mother, and they put him on a diet plan to get him back to being healthy. I helped him to be healthy again.

My eyes are teary when Jimin finishes speaking. I’m so touched that he remembers, that they all remember the acts of kindness I did for them. And whilst Jimin’s was unintentional, it was still so important, and I’m proud of young me for deciding to do her presentation on a serious topic. I’m proud of her for being such a kind person all the time. This truly is karma – I did these nice things for them back then and they’re repaying that kindness back to me when I need it most. And then I realise why Jimin was so desperate to help me – he just wants to help me like I helped him.

‘So, really, y/n, don’t thank us. We owe you,’ Namjoon says, all of them nodding in agreement, and I beam at them, tears beginning to spill down my face. ‘Don’t cry, because you’ll make me cry!’ Jungkook shrieks, all of us laughing as Jin hands me a tissue, and I dab the tears away. ‘God, what’s wrong with me? I never cry this much usually,’ I say embarrassedly, and Jimin grins. ‘Don’t be embarrassed about crying. I think I’d have cried out all of the water in my body if I were you,’ Jimin says, coaxing a laugh from me. ‘Me, too,’ Jungkook says, sniffling a little, and we all burst into laughter when we see that his eyes are full of tears. ‘My God,’ Jin says, his lip curled up in mock disgust, ‘you really are a cry baby.’ ‘Can you blame me?’ Jungkook asks defensively, wiping his eyes, and Jin’s eyes widen. ‘Yes! You’re not the one dying!’ he exclaims, setting the rest of us off again, our laughter carrying in the cool summer air.

#BB2020 #bangtanhq #ficswithluv #bangtanarmynet #btswriterscollective #btsgoldnet #bangtanidx #btspocnet #kwritersworldnet #btsghostie #magicshopnet #bts #bts park jimin #bts series #BTS jimin #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts fluff #bts smut #bts angst #bts comedy #bts humour #bts au #bts imagines #park jimin #park jimin smut #park jimin fanfic #park jimin au

[starchildsteven]

This was originally a response to someone saying they viewed Rose’s death as let’s say suicide adjacent (which is a totally valid take btw, it just made me think) but it got so long I decided to just make my own post.

Suicide doesn't feel like the right word for what happened with Rose. Rose is so accepting of not existing. Not saying that never happens with suicidal people just she so completely at peace with it. Usually when suicidal people come to accept their death as inevitable it isn't with the degree of happiness Rose seems to feel. Yes, she is creating Steven but that doesn't change anything in my mind because lots of people who kill themselves think they are doing a good thing, that they’re ridding the world of a burden, they’re giving something to someone. Even then they don’t feel good about it just content with their choice.

I tend to see it as Rose considering the only thing she could do was create Steven rather than there is nothing she could do to fix what she had done. It isn't about self-loathing (though I'm sure she felt that too). We've come to see the act through Steven's perspective which also has us paint it as selfish when I think Rose's intentions were actually selfless in nature. Rose's motivation to me always felt like her thinking removing herself from the situation would be best for everyone involved but she took pride in that. She did it because she loved the Earth, humans and the Crystal Gems and like she said in "A Single Pale Rose" she wants to give it too them. I think Rose was aware that the Diamonds never really took their eyes off the Earth. Pink's "shattering" was not the end of the war so she was wrong about how much Yellow and Blue cared the first time. I don’t think she was foolish enough to believe corruption ended their interest either.

It’s baffling to me how ready fans are to chalk Rose becoming Steven up as some type of cowardice or running away from her problems. Fans are so ready to believe her choice was made for her with no regard to others. They are so willing to believe she just gave up. Which is a little ridiculous considering everything we knew about her character. She pleaded with Blue and Yellow for the freedom of Earth, she started a rebellion to save innocents and help other gems like her who felt trapped, she became Rose Quartz not to hide but to make the other Diamonds see her. She always faced her problems head on. Why then are fans so ready to ascribe this one actions to selfishness and fear. Maybe that is how the Diamond who abandon Spinel would have seen it but Rose Quartz is a very different gem by the time Steven is born. She has learned a lot and grown a lot. Sure she was still dismissive and manipulative. She still lied and thought she knew what was best for everyone whether it was true or not. She never really lost her sense of superiority over others. As their leader she still expected blind obedience from the Crystal Gems. She was not perfect.

But she cared about others too. She loved the Crystal Gems in a way she didn’t love Spinel. She also knew that she was what the Diamonds really cared about. Or she believed that to be the case. I think as far as she believed if she were not in the equation then the Earth would be safe. Pink Diamond was gone already but all that did was make her as the shatterer their new point of interest. I think Rose knew that there was only one way to truly give the Earth to the humans and the Crystal Gems and it was to make sure there was to no longer anything the Diamonds cared about on the planet.

"Jungle Moon" really does show us an interesting parallel between Rose/Pink and Steven. Pink believed herself to important  because she was a Diamond and clearly asserted such "I'm just as important as you!" Steven likewise asserts his value often. Many episodes have moments where Steven insists that he is a Crystal Gem. I could name three now. “Laser Light Canon,” “Bubble Buddies” and “The Test.” That isn’t nearly a complete list either.

The key difference here in my opinion is that Steven's insistence is fueled by a feeling of inadequacy. Rose's is fueled by a feeling of superiority. However with that said Steven is not immune to this holier than thou mentality. Honestly I hate the way he talks to Connie in “Dewey Wins.” He sounds so self-important when he says, "It had to be done." From this we can infer at least that Pink probably had her moments of feeling like a failure. Especially considering she was most likely a defective gem given her size. (I actually always loved the theory she was meant to be red and was over-cooked.) Feeling both more important than others and like you can never atone for your sins isn’t a great combination.

I also think something the fandom overlooks a lot when considering the creation of Steven and by extension Rose's non-existence is Greg. In "Three Gems and a Baby" Garnet is wrong but also not wrong. Steven is in essence a fusion of Rose and Greg. That's basically what a baby is biologically speaking. Though even if it isn't, that is most definitely the way a gem would see it. The way Rose probably saw it.

Whether you trust the timeline I made or not. One thing in it is definitely canon. Greg was 22 when he met Rose and Sour Cream was born 9 months later when he was either still 22 or 23. Sour Cream is about 5 to 6 years older than his son so Greg was around 30 when Steven was born. That’s at most 8 years.

That is nothing to a Gem! That's maybe a few weeks in human terms or if we’re generous a few months. Yet Rose only knew Greg for 8 years and decided to have a baby with him! That has to be clear here. Rose wanted to have a baby with Greg. Not a human. Greg!

That is so often overlooked! Rose was not looking to have a human baby when she met Greg. She wasn't actively trying to find a perfect guy for her experiment. In fact the Gems were intentionally cut off from humans at that point. Rose even tells him to leave, even though she liked him and barely considered him more than a plaything until he forced her to. Rose was not considering giving up her form to make a human baby before meeting Greg! At least not seriously. Maybe it had crossed her mind but she wasn’t seeking it out. He was a factor in her choice. 

My guess? Fusion is the best and worst parts of both gems (which is again the way Rose would see having a baby) and Rose wanted to be like Greg! Not just wanted to be like a human but specifically like THIS human. And Steven would be both of them and since she would be Steven so in a way she would like him.

Greg is a good person. Do you know how many times I have heard a fan say that they hate Greg? Never! I'm sure some fans do but it's not a popular opinion by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, most PearlRose shippers still like Greg. It's hard to not like Greg. Because Greg is authentically a good person. Greg is kind and giving and empathetic. Greg has a lot of happiness and love to spread.  Rose/Pink was adored in a very superficial way that she didn't feel she earned. Obviously in reality Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl loved her but it was never going to feel deserved. She would always be their leader before their friend or at least in her mind she would. In contrast to that people like Greg for who he is as a unique individual. Something I'm sure Rose admired.

My point is Rose believed Greg’s good would outweigh her bad. That’s actually really sad. Rose knew that she was bringing more of Greg into the world and less of her and saw that as a good thing. I'm sure she had many motivations but I think we should see her death as her sacrificing herself for what she ultimately knew was right and being at peace with that.

#steven universe #rose quartz #pink diamond #long post #cw suicide #tw suicide

[allie1804-fan]

Malaise (Chapter 7 - Playing the Field)

Chapter 1,  2 ,  3,  4,  5,   6 

Over the few weeks that followed her realisation, she made an effort to not always agree to the meet ups he suggested.  A couple of times, they would agree earlier in the day that Chinese was on the cards and then she would bail on him (claiming tiredness or something coming up with the kids) or she’d go for the Chinese but decide against the sex.  It was never because she didn’t want to but sometimes just to feel like she had some power over the situation, to not feel like every time he said jump , she asked how high.

One of the other actors, David, was also ‘sniffing around’ as Keanu called it. He’d even teased her about it but she also sensed a certain tone in his voice , a certain bristling!

The day finally came when David got the courage to ask her out to the theatre  - he’d got tickets for a show with a friend but they were ill. They were within earshot of Keanu when he asked and she said she’d check if she could and let him know – her excuse was that her kids might need her,  they would often spring the need for a ride on her last minute. “That’s true” thought Keanu but he also knew that she’d tell them to ‘do one and get an Uber’ if she wanted to be with him.  He smiled to himself and hatched a plan to make the decision for her, or so he thought.  Over lunch, they sat together and he asked her to a movie he knew she wanted to see, throwing his hat in the ring as it were. Surprising him, she said she was not sure and later on she made her mind up to go with David, just to try something new.  After all, that’s what she had said after her divorce and, she argued with herself that she and Keanu had said ‘no strings’.  She should test what she’d promised herself and play the field.

Later on when she went to find Keanu and let him know she couldn’t make it to the movie, she could see he was pissed off – it gave her a slight thrill if she was honest.  However, the date with David really wasn’t fun and she just didn’t find him sexy and his goodnight kiss was lousy.  She’d chalk that one up to experience!

Keanu chose to go to the gym instead of the movie – he realised he really wanted to see it with her so they could talk about it after.  He spent a good 10 minutes on the punch bag and spent longer than usual overall, just trying to get the tension out of his body.  When he got home, he called the agency and asked for Tara.

She was free the next day and he felt a kind of childish glee telling Celia he had to go and skip the Chinese even though they had worked late so it would usually have been on the cards.

“So, this is a surprise” Tara said when she’d sat down on a stool at the huge kitchen island.  I thought maybe you’d given up on this, I’ve seen a few pics of you lately out and about with a raven-haired beauty” she teased and he blushed.

“just a friend” he lied “she’s the cinematographer on my movie”

“With benefits?” she pried and he went even redder.

“OK, OK, yes there have been benefits!”

“So where is she now?”

“I don’t know and I don’t need to know, we’re playing it cool, no strings.  She’s a divorcee, she’s playing the field”

“You’re pouting!” she laughed wickedly.

“Am not!” he protested.

“Ok, ok I’m sorry.  I’m overstepping.  Why don’t we eat” she said gesturing towards the Thai take out on the kitchen counter that he’d ordered in, “and you can tell me all about her”

“So you met on set then?”

He nodded, tucking into his chicken.

“and how did the whole benefits thing get started?”

“Well she basically told me she was horny and asked ‘was I’ and we took it from there”

 “Wow, direct! And she said this on set?”

 “He guffawed

 “No, we started having a Chinese together, round the corner from the studio on days when we worked late discussing the shoot for the next day and she suggested it after one of those meals.  I told her I wasn’t after anything serious and she said ‘me neither’ and so we went from there”

 “From there to where?” Tara enquired

 “Well to it being a regular thing for the last couple of months but lately ……”

 “Lately what?”

 “She’s seemed less keen,  had more other commitments and then, I’m pretty sure, a date with this other guy from set”

 “You’re jealous!” she exclaimed.

 He opened his mouth to protest but decided against it and just shook his head then nodded before whispering sadly

 “but I have no right to be”

 “And I’m here as your revenge, right?”

 “naahhh,  relief more like”

 “come on!” Tara blurted out “be truthful, I’ve got no stakes in this, you can admit it to me!”

 He shrugged his shoulders

 “Maybe”

 “and do you really want to have sex with me?”

 He shook his head.

 “you’ll still get paid, don’t worry but no, I don’t”

 Tara smiled sympathetically

 “From the pics I saw, you obviously didn’t just have sex.  What else did you do?”

 “dinner, movies, bike rides, just chill together reading a book”

 Tara just chuckled “mmm very non committed – not!”

 “Friends have dinner, go to the movies, bike rides, chill……”

 “mmmmmm” she replied still smiling smugly.

 “And what’s she like?”

 Mmmmm sexy....”

 “Typical man, I mean as a person!”

 “I was getting to that! – she’s charming, witty, well read, empathetic, kind, hard working, straightforward”

 “seems pretty obvious to me that you’re smitten”

 “I gotta get a grip, we said no strings and no pressure.  That’s what we both wanted – pressure free sex.”

 “Maybe it’s time to see if she, and you are willing to be more committed. She might just be testing you with this date thing or maybe she’s freaking out because it all got too cosy too quickly”

They chatted a bit more and Tara took her leave for the first time ever without having sex, leaving him to stew on what she’d said.

Meanwhile, Celia had called a couple of girlfriends, Sarah and Chloe, round to her house for a few drinks and a catch up.

“So what’s Keanu like?”  Chloe asked.

“What?!”  Celia said sharply, taken by surprise at the question. She had wanted to talk about him but in an anonymous way and her first thought was that maybe her friends had seen pictures of them and put two and two together.

“he’s in the movie you’re on right?, Thought you might like to share if he’s as nice as they say”

“Right, yes, sure he’s on the movie and yes he is really nice, a real sweetheart” she said honestly, relieved that they seemed only to be asking from a ‘please dish about the celebrity’ point of view.

“And hot right, isn’t he like heading for 60 or something?”

She laughed at that

“I guess he must be, and yes he’s very fine looking, easy on my eyes behind the camera!” she smirked, thinking (and easy on the eye when he’s on top of me too!)

“And Chris Pratt, what about him?” Sarah chipped in.

“Yes sure, also a sweetie, no divas on this set which is always good” she replied, relieved that the conversation on Keanu had moved on quickly.

“And how’s the love life going?” Sarah asked.  The last time they had met had been on the one year anniversary of Celia’s divorce where she’d announced her intention to ‘get back out there’

“good, well I think good, I dunno”

“Pray tell, sounds like there’s a story there!”

“Well I’ve been seeing a guy from set, but nothing serious.  We agreed up front to just have a little fun, you know”

“Sexy fun?”

Celia was blushing as she nodded ‘yes’ to that.

“Good?”

“sooooo good, my god!”  I’ve never …”

“Never what?”

“She blushed, never having been quite so direct about her sex life

“Never come so hard!”

“Ooooh wow, so why do you sound all uncertain? Sounds ideal to me no strings, great  sex that makes you happy”

“I dunno, we haven’t put any pressure on really and we are comfortable in each other’s company, very comfortable. It just started to feel a bit coupley you know and I wasn’t seeing anyone else, just him a couple of times a week.  So a couple of days ago, this other guy, one of the actors, asked me out and I decided to go. And the other guy also asked me to go see a movie we’d been talking about seeing and I turned him down, to make myself try playing the field, you know. Because that’s what I said I would do and, you know what, it was lame, he was lame and not a good kisser so now I’m wishing I’d gone to the movie with K. with, you know the first guy (she had almost said ‘with Keanu’ and stopped herself in the nick of time before saying Ke and giving the game away!) but I am also worried that, you know, I am just slipping into needing it to be a proper relationship and he said he doesn’t want one so that’s just going to end in tears right and I said I didn’t want one but maybe I’m just not cut out for this no strings thing”

She paused to draw breath

“wow, OK, so maybe you need to have it out with him, the non actor guy, and tell him what’s going through your mind”

“mmmmm”  Celia was relieved that her mentioning Dave as the actor guy had made them assume Keanu was a non actor guy!

“he’s a nice guy right?”

“yes! He’s a sweetheart, very charming, he really makes me laugh, has a sharp wit, intelligent, kind, incredibly committed to the project, pretty down to earth, oh and sexy, sexy as hell!”

“So, if you tell him how you feel and he doesn’t want a relationship, then he’s not going to be mean about it right?”

“Probably not”

“Ok so tell him. You can’t carry on in limbo can you, wondering if this is it but maybe needing more?”

“I guess, I just feel bad, I mean I was the one to proposition him for god sake! And the first thing he said was that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and I was like “me neither” We went into it for fun, sex and companionship, he didn’t ask for me to get all smitten and need to know where I stand!”

“Shit happens!” Chloe giggled

They all laughed and clinked glasses.

“So what happened when you turned down guy no 1 for the movie”

Celia giggled

“I think he was pissed – in fact I think he heard actor guy ask me out so he maybe knew I’d rejected him and then the next day we’d worked late and we’d normally go for a Chinese and he said he had some other commitment”

“Ohhh, I say he’ was proving to you that he’s not your bitch!”

“mmm I hadn’t thought of that, doesn’t seem like his style”

 “Well you’ll only find out if you talk to him” Chloe stated firmly and Celia nodded, knowing that was the only way forward.

@penwieldingdreamer @fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @ladyreapermc @witty-wallflower @gatsbynouvel @bitchyslut99 @keanureevesisbae @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @kindainlovewithkeanu @paperplanesandwallflowers

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #keanu reeves ofc

[paladin-lynx]

“why are we whispering?” with like,, anyone from the arcana if you play it but if you don’t, with anyone from be more chill!!

I actually just recently started playing “The Arcana” but haven’t gotten very far, so I don’t think I can write anything about it just yet. Maybe soon! So for now, I’ll go with “Be More Chill” and a pairing that I’ve been meaning to write about for a while!

Send me a character/ship/fandom and a prompt and I’ll write something!

Fandom: Be More Chill (musical)

Ships: The SQUIP x Jeremy Heere (Technical Difficulties/Squipemy/Squeremy/JereSquip)

Setting: Post-musical AU where the SQUIP somehow returned as a human and was redeemed/rehabilitated by Jeremy (with the help of the rest of the squad), and lives with him having had nowhere else to go. He looks pretty similar to how he looked in Jeremy’s head, and physically he looks to be around college age.

It had already been a good few months since the SQUIPcident, as it had been deemed, and even if things were weird, they were going relatively well. Jeremy would never forget how initially terrified he’d been when suddenly a familiar Keanu Reeves-esque looking individual had shown up at his front door. Even if he’d looked worse for wear and rather pathetic, the voices in Jeremy’s head had been screaming, “it’s the SQUIP, he’s going to hurt you, he’s going to ruin your life again, you can’t trust him, get away—” and he’d slammed the door in his face.

But of course, upon hearing the tentative knocking and quiet voice – still with that almost ridiculous-sounding surfer lilt – asking him to please listen, empathetic Jeremiah Heere couldn’t help but open the door again and give it another try. He supposed it had made sense that his SQUIP had picked up traits from him, given that they’d shared a brain for a time, but it was still strange to see what it looked like when he fell into a panic attack.

From there, everything had changed. Jeremy had taken it upon himself to teach his former SQUIP – who they defaulted to just called ‘Squip’ – how to be a proper human being. It was strange, in a way, because here was someone who used to be a machine that knew the ins and outs of social interaction, that could read every single vital of its host and deduce when something specific was needed, and yet he tended to forget to do basic human things. Jeremy would constantly have to remind him to eat, chastise him for staying up too late, tell him that some of his behaviors weren’t exactly acceptable. It was almost like their roles had been reversed. Squip was embarrassed about it but chalked it up to still being used to being a supercomputer, who didn’t have to do all of the things that it kept tabs on for its user.

If there was anything that Squip was the worst at doing, it was sleeping. Of course, Jeremy knew that there was a reason behind it other than just forgetting to, because as a stupid squishy human, it was difficult to go too long without it. Jeremy heard Squip’s screams in the middle of the night, even if Squip liked to act like he silenced himself before anyone noticed, and Jeremy was familiar enough with nightmares to know that they could scare you away from wanting to sleep even if you were tired to the bone. But the result was that Squip tended to sleep in the middle of the day, which wouldn’t be a huge deal if there weren’t times he’d just straight-up passed out over things he was doing. He’d almost hurt himself on multiple occasions because of it, but he seemed to be getting better at reading the signs and getting himself somewhere comfortable before promptly zonking out. He seemed to sleep better during the day, and Jeremy wasn’t sure if that was because he felt safer with the buzz of activity in the Heere household around him, or if his mind was just too exhausted to come up with a nightmare.

Jeremy and Squip had sat and talked about their trauma together quite frequently. It was actually pretty easy to discuss it with one another because they understood it best out of everyone. Jeremy knew now that Squip had human feelings and an actual conscience that he felt awfully guilty for everything and was hoping that becoming human was his second chance to be a good influence on Jeremy. Jeremy always tried to tell him that he shouldn’t feel too bad about the past because he’d been forced to follow his code and there was even a chance he had been defective – and Jeremy also pointed out that some of the pain others had felt had been his own fault, without Squip’s help – but Squip still refused to accept that. He was determined to spend the rest of his life making up for his actions. He’d even said he didn’t want to give himself a ‘real name’ until he felt he’d earned it, despite the fact that they both knew he couldn’t go out into the real world calling himself ‘Squip’.

And as time went on, Jeremy and Squip got ever closer. It was easier for Jeremy to forgive him than he had initially thought it would be, because this version of Squip was so different. It was obvious now that he was free from the shackles of his programming, he was an entirely new being. He could still act a bit stuck-up and like a know-it-all, because he still had a lot of knowledge stuffed into his now-human brain, but he was also funny, clever, and never missed an opportunity to help someone. Even the rest of Jeremy’s new squad – even Michael – had slowly come to accept him. But even if Squip had become part of the group, he was closest to Jeremy and, honestly, Jeremy was becoming incredibly fond of him. It was a bit difficult for him not to, really.

Of course, Squip still tended to stay in Jeremy’s house for the most part. He sometimes wandered out on the town while Jeremy was at school and Mr. Heere was at work, but without identification and much money, there was only so much he could do on his own. Jeremy knew that he liked to frequent the park because now that he could actually feel things, he had become a bit obsessed with nature, which was kind of funny considering how technologically-inclined he was.

Today was a day like any other. Because it was Friday afternoon, Michael was coming over after school so that they could spend stay up stupidly late playing video games and gorging themselves with junk food and soda – nothing with Mountain Dew, though. Jeremy was religiously staying away from the brand from now on, to be safe, even though Squip was very obviously out of his head.

“I am not going to see the Sonic the Hedgehog movie with you,” Jeremy said as they walked up the steps to his house, fishing his key out of his pants pocket.

Michael pouted at him. “Why not? It’ll be great! You can’t go to that movie by yourself! Do you know how embarrassing that’ll be?”

“Not nearly as embarrassing as you constantly making comments about how I’ll wanna get it on with Sonic.”

Michael snickered, nudging Jeremy with his shoulder as they stopped in front of the door. “I’ve gotta be supportive of my furry best friend, don’t I? Maybe Tails’ll be in it, too! You know all the jokes online about his second tail being a b—”

“Mell,” Jeremy hissed, his cheeks burning as he fumbled to get the key in the lock, muttering under his breath, even slipping into Japanese for a moment without really realizing. As he finally shoved the key into the slot, he collected himself. “Honestly, with all the freaking ridiculous research you do, I’d say you’re the furry. And, for the record, I do not wanna do anything with Sonic. Or Tails. Or any of them!”

Michael laughed again, more heartily this time, as he followed Jeremy through the now open door. “I’m doin’ all the work because you’re too ashamed to. I, of course, have absolutely no shame. So I’m helping ya out. You’re welcome, by the way. But I do know you prefer your catgirls. I guess they gotta look somewhat human for you to—”

“Michael.”

“Look, I know as well as you do that your dad isn’t home right now, so I will keep talking about this. I mean, you remember Krystal from Star Fox? Of course you do. They knew exactly what they were doing when they designed her. Although I guess you also really liked Scar and Kovu, so maybe they don’t—”

“Michael.”

“Come on, Jere, I—”

“Michael!” Jeremy finally turned to his friend and waved one hand in a ‘keep it down’ gesture as he quietly closed the door.

Michael blinked, clamping his mouth shut in surprise. He waited a moment before he spoke again, much more softly: “Why are we whispering?”

Jeremy pointed to the living room, where the TV was playing a re-run of Rick and Morty. And there, sprawled on the couch fast asleep, one arm hanging off the edge, was Squip.

“Oh,” Michael murmured, once again trailing behind Jeremy as they went into the living room, slipping off their shoes and backpacks along the way.

Jeremy shed his coat and tossed it onto one of the armchairs before padding over to the couch, his expression softening as he gazed down at his housemate. There had only been a handful of times he’d seen his SQUIP look peaceful, and they were so few and far between that he wasn’t even sure he could remember the exact contexts. But seeing him now – mouth slightly open, black hair splayed on one of the small couch pillows with that one silly white streak falling somewhat into his face, brow not creased in concentration like it always used to be – warmed Jeremy’s heart in a way he couldn’t quite explain. Squip had said at one point that Jeremy should want him dead after what he did, to which Jeremy had said that he couldn’t wish something like that even on his worst enemy, let alone someone on the path to redemption.

Jeremy grabbed the blanket draped over the back of the couch and gently lay it over Squip, tugging it into place so he was properly covered. When Squip mumbled something and shifted slightly, Jeremy feared he’d woken him up, but Squip simply grabbed the blanket and pulled it up, nuzzling into it and humming contently, still very much asleep.

Jeremy couldn’t help breaking into a smile and reaching down to gently brush that white streak off of Squip’s forehead, letting his hand linger for a moment and just watching the former supercomputer.

“You’re so whipped for him, dude.”

Michael’s words snapped Jeremy out of his reverie and he pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned, his cheeks going up in flames. He looked up at Michael with wide eyes. “What?” he whisper-yelled, and he swore his voice went up at least ten octaves. “I am not!”

Michael just quirked an eyebrow in his trademarked ‘you know I’m right’ way. “You so are, Jere. I’ve seen the way you look at him when we’re all hanging out together, and just now. You used to look at Christine that way.”

Jeremy’s face was still dark red, almost putting Michael’s prized hoodie to shame, and he peeked down at Squip again. Squip had always been attractive, even when he had just been a projection of Jeremy’s mind. Jeremy had a feeling that was intentional, because he would be more willing to listen to and follow the orders of someone he was interested in. Of course, Jeremy had been struggling with his bisexuality then, so he wouldn’t have ever accepted the fact that he was maybe attracted to someone who presented male. But perhaps, like Rich, being freed from the commanding voice in his head had made him come to a few realizations.

And now, the new human Squip was ever the charmer, using little pet names constantly, always knowing what to say in that smooth-as-honey voice of his, cracking a smirk that could make anyone’s knees weak and okay, maybe could make a few people question their sexuality. He’d come back from his excursions plenty of times with little slips of paper in his pocket with various phone numbers, and maybe it made Jeremy a little envious that Squip had only been around like this for a handful of months and could get more people to ask him out merely by existing than Jeremy could by using every trick in the figurative book of romance. Not even Christine had stuck around, after everything they’d gone through, although they were still very close as friends.

But that didn’t mean Jeremy was into Squip.

…Right?

Jeremy huffed, stepping away from the couch and snatching up his coat, grabbing Michael’s abandoned one along the way so he could stomp over to the closet and hang them up. “You’re high.”

“Nope. I am one-hundred percent sober, Jere-bear. You like him. Like like him.”

Jeremy was too flustered to make fun of Michael for using the elementary school phrase and instead just glared at his friend as he came back over to join him in the living room. “I do not,” he repeated.

Michael smiled, amusement dancing in his eyes. “You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.”

Michael had known Jeremy for over twelve years, and even if he sometimes didn’t understand what Jeremy was going through, he knew all of Jeremy’s tendencies and mannerisms down to a T. It was part of why Michael had been so worried when Jeremy had started changing after getting his SQUIP. So of course, if anyone was going to know that Jeremy was going through a romantic crisis, it was Michael.

Jeremy let out a slow breath, trying to rub the heat out of his cheeks, as if that would work. The more Michael commented on his apparent predicament, the less and less inclined Jeremy was to disagree. He peeked down at Squip’s sleeping form once more, just in time to see him murmur something in Japanese that Jeremy sort of understood as “very comfy” and turn over to face the other way, and Jeremy’s heart stuttered.

“…So what if I do?” he mumbled, shoving his hands into his pants pockets.

Michael shrugged, flashing him another little grin. “You do you, my man. I mean, it’s a little weird because he used to be a pill in your head and tried to take over the world with you as his sleeper agent. But I guess it’s not that much weirder than you being into animal people.”

“You are the absolute worst,” Jeremy groaned, lolling his head back in exasperation for a moment before sighing. “It’s not like he would wanna date me anyway. He has so many admirers. He could have literally anyone he wants.”

“You know I’ve never actually called any of those numbers I’ve received.”

Jeremy and Michael both froze at the voice, and Jeremy’s gaze snapped down to the couch again. There was Squip, eyes open and watching him curiously, a tiny, sleepy smile on his lips.

“Y-you’re…awake?” Jeremy squeaked, his blush returning full-force. “I, uh, you…H-how much did you hear…?”

“Just enough.” Squip chuckled and sat up, still holding the blanket to his chest in a way that Jeremy decided he should not find as cute as it was. “I know you were trying to be quiet, but I wasn’t in that deep of a sleep to begin with. But I felt rude interrupting.”

“You were eavesdropping. That’s worse,” Jeremy argued, and Michael laughed, excusing himself to go raid the kitchen. Jeremy silently cursed him for leaving him alone with his maybe kind of crush that he’d just realized he maybe had.

Squip only smiled again, letting the blanket drop into his lap and picking up the remote to turn off the TV. He set it down again and beckoned Jeremy to sit with him. After a moment of hesitation, the boy did so and Squip turned to face him, tilting his head like he always did when he was thinking.

They sat there in silence for what to Jeremy felt like an eternity – but was probably no more than ten seconds – and he fidgeted in his spot, finally piping up. “So…”

“…I may not have been human for long,” Squip began, “and I may still be figuring some things out, but I do know that I feel strongly for you. Up until recently, I had thought that it was perhaps just residual attachment from when I was your SQUIP, and the persisting need to look after you and care for your well-being, but I’m beginning to think that it may be something…more than that. And I wouldn’t be averse to seeing what developments come out of it.”

Jeremy just blinked dumbly at him. “…In English, please?”

Squip just laughed warmly, slipping a hand into Jeremy’s hair and pulling him forward to plant a soft kiss to his forehead. “I like like you, too, sweetheart.”

#i spent way more time on this than i should have #Be More Chill #Be More Chill musical #Technical Difficulties #Squipemy #Squeremy #JereSquip #BMC SQUIP #SQUIP #Jeremy Heere #BMC Jeremy Heere #BMC Michael Mell #fic #fanfiction #mine #writing #asks #AU #BMC #lynx tales

[themenof--marvel]

For Those We’ve Lost (Chapter 5)

Summary: It’s been more than a decade since Tony Stark and his daughter have made eye contact, or any contact for that matter. With the ever-looming threat of disaster and loss haunting Tony, and with the new Avengers Headquarters completed, maybe there was a chance for him to find a sliver of happiness in his lost family. After living in the shadows for so long, will his estranged daughter be willing to reunite? Will she even have a choice when she’s thrown into the chaotic world of the Avengers? Perhaps they both stand to gain more from this overdue reunion.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x  Stark!Daughter Reader

Warnings: none  

**Non-canon storyline**

Taglist:  sims-4-cc0707; @camu-winchester; 

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

--

Y/N exited the vehicle before Happy could assist. She whispered a goodnight and waited until Happy left the curb to move. Rather than retreat to her apartment, she opted to turn left and head to a quaint, old-fashioned 24-hour diner around the corner.  

She pushed open the door and let the waves of freshly-brewed coffee and overdone bacon grease crash around her. Following the tide, she entered the diner and took a seat at the counter. The stools were chrome with red-cushioned tops; that seemed sentimental to her even though she didn’t even exist in that decade.  

The waitress approached her with a subtle smile, recognizing her right away. “Coffee?” she asked.  

Y/N went through the mental process of what she wanted versus what she needed. Of course, coffee was always welcome but a milkshake would be the perfect treat after what she’d been through.

She opted for a chocolate and vanilla mixed milkshake. The waitress nodded and took off to prepare the request. Y/N sat and absent-mindedly ran her index finger against the flat surface of her bangle. To her left a couple of stools over, a man in a heavy denim jacket sat with his face engrossed in the newspaper. From that distance, all Y/N could make out was the bold heading of missing girl. Notifying the tech on her wrist, she was able to dig up more information about the case; the girl went to a friend’s house for a sleepover but was missing the next morning. From the television news, the family was searching far and wide, begging for help. The father, grief-stricken and desperate, moved from the news review in her mind to right in front of her. The man watched his daughter’s paper, with tears pricking at the edges of his eyes.  

Y/N moved the Dark Web to get more information. She found some useless things, as she always did, but there was one thing that piqued her interest. The friend’s testimony was never mentioned. A couple of hacks into camera monitoring in the victim’s town showed her that the girl and her friend snuck out to go to the movies and met up with two, much older looking men. A few more avenues of checks and Y/N found out the names of the men. The men were nowhere mentioned in any articles or reports. She checked the cameras once more and saw that in the parking lot of the cinema, the girl’s friend left alone.  

Sighing, Y/N wrote down the names of the two men, their phone numbers and their addresses on a napkin. She hopped off the stool and moved next to the man, gently sliding the napkin over to him.  

He jumped, startled and unaware that he was being watched. “What are you doing?” he asked, more shocked than offended.

“I didn’t mean to pry, but I think these two men were involved in your daughter’s disappearance,” Y/N said, offering an empathetic smile.  

“H-how do you know?”

She shrugged and offered, “Chalk it up to an educated guess.”

The man nodded and studied the napkin.  

Y/N moved to return to her seat, but turned back slightly to remark, “I’d look into where your daughter and her friend snuck out to that night. The friend isn’t being entirely honest, with whatever story she gave you.”

Returning to her stool, the man nodded and studied Y/N. He stood, adjusted his jacket, dropped some loose change on the counter, and turned to leave. “Thank you. You might have just saved my daughter’s life.” He smiled with renewed hope and rushed out the door. Y/N made a mental note to follow-up with the story to see how it progressed.

A few beats later and the waitress returned, milkshake in hand. Y/N commented a polite thanks and stared at the shake, pinching the cherry stem between her index finger and thumb.  

Behind her, the door to the diner chimed open. Not looking back, Y/N took a sip of her drink, savoring the taste. It had been way to long since she last had one, and her choice to mix it was perfect.  

A man took the stool next to her, but she still didn’t pay him any mind.  

It was only when he spoke, that she seized up. “Hey, kid.”

Y/N lifted her head from the straw and turned to face her father. Under this lighting, she could see how much damage the past decade to him; the worry lines were much more prominent now.  

“The shakes here any good?”

Before she could respond, the waitress approached. “Too good, some say.”

Tony turned to the waitress and said, “Great. I'll have what she’s having.”  

The waitress nodded and left once more.  

Tony turned back to his daughter. “Took a while to figure out where you went when your apartment was empty.”

Gathering herself, Y/N asked, “What brings you to this side of town, Tony?”

“Just needed to make sure you got home safe after the party.”

“Happy couldn’t confirm that for you?” She was quite aware of how bitter she sounded, but she didn’t see the need to hide it. Not after all this time.  

“I wanted to talk to you, one-on-one,” he admitted.

Y/N nodded and waited for him to start.

“I just gotta know, how’d you hack into JARVIS to make him completely useless?”  

She smirked at his interest; of course, his first question had to do with tech and not how she was doing. “You’re not the only one who can make a JARVIS.”

He nodded and smiled, impressed. The waitress returned and placed the shake in front of Tony. He turned on the stool to take a sip. After a second and third sip, he announced, “You’re right, this shake is too good. I might have to come back here just for this.”

Y/N took that as her cue to take another taste and let the silence pass between them.

“You know, when you were younger, we used to come here.”

Y/N’s hand stilled on the straw. Her head snapped to face Tony’s, now eager to hear this story.

He nodded and continued, “I used to come here during breaks in college; they had the best burgers. Every now and then, I’d bring you here and just like then, you never could decide between chocolate and vanilla, so you always got it mixed.” He smiled at the memory, while Y/N scowled.

Now she wished she had ordered the coffee.

“I’m not surprised this place is still around; it even looks the same.”

“I don’t remember that,” she muttered.  

Tony met her gaze and replied, “Of course not, you were way too young.” He took another sip and asked the question that really played on his mind. “How have you been doing, kid?”

She averted her eyes, looking over to the glass stand holding the remnants of a cherry pie. How could she even begin to talk to him? “I’ve been well,” she finally said, settling for that broad response.  

Tony nodded and took another sip. “Happy told me you work from home.” It was more of a statement than a question.  

Y/N sighed, not wanting to get into her life just yet. She needed to know what his motive was. “Why did you ask to see me now?”

Tony’s eyebrows drew together as he thought of how to respond. Y/N watched as the condensation on the exterior of his glass cup scattered down to the tabletop. After a few breaths, he replied. “Things have settled down now, so I wanted to see how you were. Maybe get a bite to eat, or a drink since you’re old enough now, or even just get to know the real you. “

She tried not to scoff too loudly, but she went on to comment, “So, because your life is manageable now, you seek me out? For what, to clear your conscience?”

Tony moved to speak, but she cut him off. She abandoned her shake and stood off the seat.  

“I don’t know what you were expecting, but I’m doing pretty okay. There might have been a time when I needed you, but that has passed. Just because you got to choose when to send me away doesn’t mean you can decide when or if I come back.”

She felt her seething rage bubbling below the surface. Her eyes glistened with the threat of oncoming tears. Before he could utter another word, she stormed out of the diner and rushed to her apartment. She’ll be damned if she let that man see her she’d tears over him.  

#Avengers #avengers fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfiction #tony stark #stark daughter #stark!daughter #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #james buchanan barnes

[jj-lynn21]

Ch 1 When we were just a little Lass and Lad

This story came from an idea @grandpa-sweaters had from a picture of Gustaf Skarsgard looking like he could play Bert from Mary Poppins. I very much agree.  

Ch 2 destination cloud 9

ch 3 Somewhere on Cloud 9

Ch 4 where ever the magic may take us

ch 5 The End is just the Start of a New Beginning

Warning: Just a bunch of whimsical fluff to start off.

Ch 1 When we were just a little Lass and Lad

It has been a while since you have believed in magic, has it not? I bet it has. But somewhere deep down you still feel that sense of whimsical energy you had as a child. Let that child-like curiosity follow me in to the Long Ago. You might say, “but the long ago is a time, not a place Ms.”

I assure you it is a place. A wondrous place where any wonderful thing starts. A wonderful thing like my beginning. You may have heard of me in some story that probably exaggerated some of the times I helped the Banks family, my family. I am Mary Poppins. And I shall explain everything.

Where to start, where to start? Oh yes, a long time ago where many things of a whimsical nature start. I was more created than just born as most creatures are, I suppose. The first daughter of the land to magical enough parents who taught me not everyone would appreciate my perfectly positive personality. Half the time they could not understand my cheery disposition.

When it rained, I was happy the flowers, trees, and other plants were getting the drink they craved. Plus playing in puddles was quite a fun time even in your most fantastical dress. When the sun was too hot for some, I was happy to let it tan my porcelain skin to the golden color of bronze. Of course, I was liberal on the sunscreen on the daily. All the seasons and all the weather just nourished our little place in the universe.

I very much annoyed some people but not Bert Alfred. Oh, he can inspire a whimsical song out of anyone. Happy-go-lucky, satisfied, charming, friendly, kind, imaginative, energetic, funny, zany, easy-going, artistic, intelligent, insightful, optimistic, empathetic, endearing, heroic and I need to take a breath. He is my everything. Oh Bert, always my first love although my parents insisted it was of the puppy variety. I suppose it was the fact our talents complemented each other so well.

Bert was able to do anything really. A unique Jack of all trades. But we fell in love in his chalk drawing. Even as children when we met on my stoop while our parents discussed whatever whimsical notions, I was intrigued by his chalk drawings full of more than they appeared. At least when I came around. They did fret the first time we ventured into the unknown.

Flashback

“Hi,” A shy precocious eight-year-old Bert smiled sitting beside Mary.

A seven-year-old Mary giggled, “hello, I’m Mary. And you are Sir?”

He takes out a small box of colored chalk from the pocket in his button-up shirt. “I’m Bert,” he tittered before kneeling on the sidewalk starting to create a scene. He thought her white dress and parasol was cute but he was to shy to tell her.

Mary kneels beside him watching his every stroke. “Oh, I do enjoy the circus. Have you ever really been? Uncle Albert took me to one once.”

Bert shook his head no, as he continued to add a red and white tent behind the lion on a pedestal with the tamer close by urging the lion to sit pretty. He stood when he was finished moving his closed mouth back and forth in contemplation. He looked to his new friend Mary, “Would you want to go with me?”

“Oh dear Bert, could we?” She smiled excitedly. “When shall we go? Will your parents take us or will mine? Will they even say yes?...”

He laughed, “You sure do talk a lot, Mary.”

She stuck her tongue out at him, “I certainly do not. I am practically perfect in every way. Just ask my parents.”

Bert chuckled, “I’ll take your word, Mary. We can go right now. All we have to do is…” He looks down at the drawing. “Hold my hand.”

Mary takes his hand in amazement and wonder.

“You think, you wink, do a double blink, you close your eyes and jump.” Bert and Mary jump on the painting and giggle loudly.

The adults look out the window at them and laugh. They are so glad their children are having a whimsical time together. They go back to planning the every few centuries excursion to London. You must be an adult to go on these adventures so the children will be entrusted to take care of each other. Which they have always done in Long Ago. The majority of the caretaking done by the ones more closely to adulthood.

Mary straightens and looks to see if anyone is watching, I guess if we are not gone for long, I will show you how its done dear Bert. My Aunt Iris showed me but said we must keep it secret. Can you keep a secret Bert?”

He nodded yes, “My Aunt Tilly was the one that took me on my first adventure. I must have done something wrong.”

“No silly,” Mary giggled. “It is just a girl thing. Now take my hand. Its off to the circus we go. One, two…three.”

They jump into the chalk drawing. The lion roars and they run behind the tamer that is drawn like the cartoon character Goofy and acts like him also.

“By garsh, are you young ones alright,” He asked scratching his head since he didn’t see them there a second ago. “Whoa, there Mr. Lion. We have guests you see.”

The lion bows to them with a smile of acceptance.

The tamer walks over and pats him on the head, “good boy. How about some lunch.”

The lion nods full mane rustling enthusiastically.

“I’m Flaky Frank.” He bows to the kids cordially. “We have popcorn, hotdogs and cotton candy in the tent. And the big show is about to start if you two would like to like to join?”

As they walk into the tent a rhinoceros in a colorful suit is at a small booth, “Tickets for the show, get your tickets. Show starts in five minutes.”

“I’m Mary and my friend is Bert,” She said politely. “We would like two tickets please?”

“Sure thing, Lass and Lad.” He smiles. “And where are your guardians on this most auspicious occasion.”

“I am his guardian and he is mine, so we both have a great guardian you see,” She answered proudly.

“I see,” he nods and gives them tickets. “Better get a seat. It is about to fill up quickly.”

As soon as they sit balancing popcorn between their legs, cotton candy in one hand, and a hotdog in the other, the other seats in the bleachers do fill up quickly as in immediately with a variety of characters. Lions, tigers, bears, elephants, trapeze artists and tightrope walkers entertained, and everyone clapped. As the kids walked out of the tent thunderstruck. The rain started dripping. Then it started pouring.

“Grab my hand Bert,” Mary held her hand out to him.

Bert took her hand. Then he came nearer hugging her protectively. As they held each other shivering in the rain they were back in front of her home. The rain pours, lightning struck, thunder roared, and they were surrounded by their parents and other adults from The Long Ago.

End flashback

But soon it was forgotten by all but me and Bert. Bert just got more handsome as we grew up together. He was very popular dating many women including Mavis, Sybil, Prudence, and Gwendolyn to my chagrin. 

But being practically perfect in every way I ignored my feelings that some might have considered jealousy.  All the while I kept my eye on that silly boy, for his own good of course. It had nothing at all to do with his growth spurt and chest that looked like a nice place to rest your head on a summer’s eve. 

Flashback

As she prepared to head home she thought, That boy is just plane…

“Hey, Mary.” He acknowledged as he exited the college library seeing her astride her pink bicycle with her basket full of fairytales.

#gustaf skarsgard #bert and mary #mary poppin #mary poppins fanfic #fluff #young love #magical #whimsical

[osmw1]

Crowbar Nurse   Chapter 15 — Fanficcers Ship, That’s What They Do

Back in front of the safehouse, the three of us had begun planning our endgame strategy together.

“This would be the path to get to the truck ending.”

I drew a line on the ground with a stick of chalk. Kiryū and I came across a set of sidewalk chalk on our way home and now we were putting it to good use by drawing maps. … Originally, it was meant to evoke the image that children were playing in the streets one day and then suddenly getting attacked by zombies, but it was never shown in the actual game for ethical reasons… Oh, and if you wanted to know, the set had every color a kid could ever need.

“Go this way, then here, turn here, then like this, then… and that’s our goal. Simple, right?” “Turn this way here?” “No, no. It’s that way there.” “Oh… so, like this?” “No, not like that. Like this.” “And then that way?” “No, the other way.” “Then this way.” “No! I’m telling you, that way over there…” “Gaaah! Knock it off, you two! Neither one of you are making any sense anymore!”

Elizabeth interrupted our serious and earnest preparation session.

“What is going on?! Ever since you have returned from the firing range, you lot have been completely incoherent, mainly because you are deliberately avoiding any eye contact! What on earth happened between the two of you?!” “Umm, erm…”

Stumbling with my words, I glanced at Kiryū who immediately looked away in a fluster. Both of us must’ve been embarrassed about how I had run up and hugged him earlier.

“… N-Nothing at all! There’s nothing that you have to worry about, Elizabeth!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and shrieked back at her, but I don’t think it helped my case at all.

“… I see. So, that’s how it is,” Elizabeth responded in a low whisper. “Huh?"

I opened my eyes to see her grinning from ear to ear.

“Umm, Elizabeth?” “I see. I understand now. So, that sort of stuff happened at the firing range.” “Wha—?!”

My head was about to snap off from how hard I was shaking my head, but Elizabeth wasn’t reacting to me at all. She was dripping with fraught just a moment ago. I guess it was good that she’s got her spirit back, but where did all of this excitement come from?

“Umm, are you alright, Elizabeth? Is something the matter?” “… I apologize for the late and abrupt introduction.” “Huh?” “I am but yet another wage slave from Shinjuku. My hobbies include dating simulations, reader-inserts, and providing dating advice to the friends around me.” “Reader-inserts?”

The term seemed to have thrown Kiryū for a loop.

“What are those? I come across lots of fan labor made by women due to the nature of my work, but I’ve never heard of that one before… Any clue, Sera?” “No, not one bit.”

As I shook my head again, this time, Elizabeth responded with a chuckle.

“Not a surprise, seeing how Sera is but a normie… Reader-insert is but a small subgenre within fanfiction. It is a type of story in which the audience inserts themselves as the protagonist, paired with a canon character. Though it doesn’t get much attention, the subgenre has quite a few followers worldwide, even outside of Japan, where they’re sometimes called x readers .” “What does the x mean though?”

Elizabeth readily answered his question.

“The x denotes pairing. You would put the character name before the x to signify the work pairs the character and the reader in a relationship, usually a romantic one. Authors overseas usually write in second person, but here in Japan, we use cookies and scripts to pull the reader’s name from their account and insert it into the text. … And for your reference, I stan canon/OC pairings. That is to say, rather than using the reader, I prefer stories with OC.” “OC?”

Kiryū was thrown for loop after loop, then he looked at me.

“… Any clue, Sera?” “No, not one bit.”

Elizabeth sighed in exasperation as I shook my head for the third time.

“You truly know nothing, don’t you…? ‘OC’ is short for ‘original character’. Anyway, getting back on track and to summarize what I mean, I indulge in observing the romance between other people. Just listening to my friends and family gushing about their love interests is simply not enough. Instead, I have to reach out to dating sims and fanfiction to satiate this desire of mine. Though I don’t care much for getting directly involved. That is why I am delighted to see this unfold.” “… What exactly is unfolding here?”

My question had only pleased her more.

“Why, of course, the situation between you and Kiryū! You two are almost like grade schoolers in how you are so conscious of each other now.” “Yeah, right! What are you talking about?!” “I am so not!”

Somehow, we both picked the most childish ways to respond to her. It was likely just him panicking, but the way how Kiryū said it was exactly how a grade schooler would.

Elizabeth mockingly scoffed back, “Heh. It’s obvious, seeing how flustered you two are. So, something did indeed happen at the firing range, then? I’m not about to judge. However, with how confused you two are, you have also lost your teamwork and communication. Now, hurry up and tell you love each other and embrace already so that we can proceed with the ending with clear heads.”

She extended her hands out towards us, as if she were waiting on something to happen.

“Think about us for a moment, Elizabeth! Surely, it’s obvious that you’re asking for something totally unreasonable!” “I am?” “Yes, you are! I haven’t met Kiryū in person before, you know? There’s no way I could even consider anything romantic between us! My feelings towards Kiryū are purely and genuinely one of respect!” “Right, sure. So she said, Kiryū.”

She takes an upwards glance at him as she spoke. Kiryū simply nodded and brushed off her comments as to end this embarrassing topic for good.

Elizabeth, why did you have to go and bring that up…?

I sighed in defeat as I looked up at Kiryū, who looked just as fed up with the situation as I was. I’m sure we were both thinking the same thing as we couldn’t help but chuckle at our predicament.

“… See how in sync you two are?”

In a complete reversal, she had turned to a sage; her expression was calm and gentle and her laughter dry, but different from the teasing tone that marked her previously. … A thought randomly popped into my mind: Oh, that’s right. She’s got her teaching license, doesn’t she? Perhaps she’s taught boys and girls in her class that acted the same way. Interrupting my thoughts, Elizabeth continued,

“It’s good and well that you two are in sync but remember that our teamwork crumbles if you two are being awkward and refuse to look each other in the eyes. Cooperation is just as important in slaying zombies as it is in folk dance in PE class. Nothing will work to your favor if you are embarrassed. Don’t forget that our lives are on the line too.” “You’re… absolutely right.”

I nodded after listening to Elizabeth. She smiled back as if to say, Just as long as you understand. I have the feeling that she had messed with us only to snap us out of our emotions. She has my gratitude for that, but yet… having how bothered I had been pointed out made me feel a little sheepish.

“… I know perfectly how to get to the truck ending, so don’t worry about memorizing this.”

I punctuated my explanation with a sigh,

“But to give everyone the gist of it, our plan is to take a bit of a detour to slip past the traps ahead of us as we force our way to the enemies and bosses. After the detour, we’ll barrel down the missile-torn roads in our truck towards ‘You’… That’s the plan, at least. Should be a piece of cake.” “A piece of cake? There were exactly zero parts in your plan that sounded easy.”

Elizabeth squeezed her temples as if she had a terrible headache. Raising my head upwards, I looked into her eyes, reassuring her that we’ll be fine, and she smiled.

“Don’t worry. Let me take care of massacring the zombies. Sure, it may be a little rough ahead, but we’ve got so many toys in our arsenal, so let’s have some fun enjoying this game too. Let’s just step on the gas and see if we can’t power through it.” “I trust you, Sera.”

The man of few words picked up his crowbar.

“The path is as you marked out, right? There ain’t much time. Let’s get a move on.”

He wasn’t kidding about hurrying; he sped off, leaving Elizabeth and me to frantically catch up. Elizabeth saw the blush on my cheeks and empathetically patted my on the shoulder with a gentle smile.

“… You have fallen for Kiryū, haven’t you? Perhaps you are surprised at how sudden these feelings came?” “I-I’m telling you, I haven’t! Really!”

I desperately shook my head from side to side, but… unfortunately, I can’t seem to shake Kiryū off my mind. Still, she's mistaken. These aren’t romantic feelings… I don't think so, at least. It was easy to brush off her earlier comments as a joke, but the longer I contemplate about this, the more embarrassed I get. I hadn’t given much thought about the Kiryū in real life up until now. I mean, I understand there’s a person in there, but I was charmed by the handsome Kiryū Sōichirō. And because of that, I’d been treating him like an actual in-game NPC. I was even being smug and cavalier to him.

I don’t think I would act like that anymore. I don’t think I could. I can’t even look him properly in the eyes.

“Is that right? Well, in that case, I should best stop teasing you about it. My apologies for being insensitive. But what really happened between you two?” “Umm… He was doxed? I doxed him?” “What? How did something like that happen?” “I guess I could say… I knew someone who spoke like him?” “And you knew who he really is from just that?” “Yes? But ma-maybe not? Huh. How the heck did I figure who he is from just how he spoke? That’s weird. That’s really weird…” “… Who the hell cares?!”

Kiryū interjected, severing our conversation. It seemed like he didn’t know where he was going and had to backtrack to us for guidance.

“Let’s hurry up and finish the damn game! That’s all that we should be focusing on right now!”

He was unnaturally worked up and visibly flustered. I can understand why. I mean, his face was all over the internet… But what if he never gets over it? Poor guy. Men sure have it rough in their thirties.

And so, we set off for the truck ending in this amusing yet awkward mood surrounding us. … Or at least until we get into combat again, where Kiryū and I returned to our normal selves. Hurrah, zombie games. Praise be unto zombie games. All hail mighty zombie games.

    “—Muahaha! See you bastards in hell!”

As we progressed on the canonical route, the windows on the fifth floor of a mixed-use building smashed open, freeing a bunch of NPC’s. The moment they hit the ground, they became emotionless weapons of war, attacking all the zombies around them, and throwing them into disarray. The NPC’s jump down one by one as I laugh manically, putting off Elizabeth.

“… You know, I had expected an expert on zombie games to be… cooler than this…” “You can’t beat them if you worry too much about looking cool, Liz.” “Have you considered whether I preferred to be called ‘Elizabeth’?” “But your name is just so long. Anyway, zombie survival games are complex, you know? Sometimes, you’ve gotta do crazy things to win.”

The new soldiers rushed the infected, handily defeating them. Since they’re a low-level mob, so I’m not worried about killing too many of them. They don’t give too much experience anyway. As soon as I said it out loud, though, Kiryū wielded his crowbar and went wild at the zombies.

“Ooh, impressive. You’re really swinging for the fences.”

Before I knew it, I was already awed by Kiryū. It wasn’t just me though. Elizabeth was equally impressed.

“Kiryū is quite well-versed too, I see… Zombie games are simpler than I had thought.” “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Liz. This happens all too often. They watch a god gamer play and think they can do it themselves too. But once they try it for themselves, they get their butts handed to them. Still, for someone claiming he’s never played this kind of game before… Kiryū really is seriously good.” “Mm.” “Ah, we’ll get bombed if we head straight here, so let’s climb over the rubble to our right.”

As I was trotting to the hurdle, I looked behind my shoulder to find Kiryū hacking away at the zombies as if he were possessed.

    “—There it is! That’s the truck!”

After climbing the rubble hill, we reached a plaza where the deuce and a half was abandoned. There’s no mistaking the flat dark earth behemoth as anything but a military vehicle. As the name suggests, it was designed to haul 5,000 lb of cargo.

“Let’s ride this bad boy all the way to the end.” “… Don’t you need the key for it?”

Kiryū, late to the party, ran his fingers along the truck and wondered about how to start it. He was dripping with sweat, likely from his killing frenzy.

“Of course, we need the key. That’s why it’s in your pocket,” I say as I plucked it out of his pocket.

“… Oh, that key, the one we weren’t supposed to get until the second week. That means the truck ending shouldn’t be open until then, too.” “That’s right. This isn’t a canonical ending, but rather an Easter egg, much like the so-called UFO ending.”

I stepped onto the running board, heaved myself into the driver’s seat, and stuck the key into the ignition.

“Oh, my. An ending in which the protagonist gets abducted by aliens? How amusing. I wonder if I can find a video online once I return home.”

As she says that, sparks rained down from the sky, igniting the buildings in our vicinity.

“S-Sparks are falling down on us all of a sudden!” “This cutscene plays once the key is in the ignition. It’s proof that my plan is working, so don’t worry.” “A-Also, another copy of Nick just appeared, and he’s terribly hurt!” “And he’s so much more handsome. Yep, that’s the Nick from the cutscene.”

I jumped off the driver’s seat to inspect this New Nick. Covered with cuts and soot, New Nick scanned his surroundings and suddenly started shouting in English.

＊＊＊ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ＊＊＊ “N-Nick began speaking in English!” “Don’t worry, Elizabeth. He’s shouting something like, ‘Like hell I’m going to stay in this shithole.’” ＊＊＊ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ＊＊＊ “And a middle-aged man just appeared, screaming something in English too!” “Like I said, it’s all good. He’s an NPC that only appears in this cutscene. And this guy is yelling, ‘I feel you, man. Ain't like we’re gon’ find survivors no more, so let’s skedaddle on out of this nightmare of a town,’ or something to that effect.”

I explained to Elizabeth beside me, as she curiously and attentively watched the two white men speak.

“… Hey, Sera? Why do they speak so monotonously? It’s completely different than in Glee…” “Oh, did you watch Glee as well?” “Back when I was still in university, I thought it would help with my English. It didn’t take long before I was hooked.” “Wow, how diligent of you. Umm, well, this sort of thing happened a lot when Japanese video games got localized. Even though they hired proper voice talents, for some reason, they still read their lines off a script. The acting was just awful in Resident Evil and those speedy blue hedgehog games…”

Nick clapped his hands, interrupting our chit chat.

“Ah, that’s Nick saying, ‘Let’s hurry on out of here.’ Alright, Kiryū, Elizabeth. Let’s hop in too. Of course, New Nick and the random NPC are planning to leave town, so we’ll have jack the truck before that happens. That way, we’ll be able to reach ‘You’ and the ending area. After that, then we can escape…”

Before I could finish, the world fell into darkness, accompanied by an odd screeching noise.

■ ＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊ ＊＊＊　　ＥＮＧＬＩＳＨ　　＊＊＊ ＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

A reference to the cult classic Kowloon’s Gate, an adventure game from more than two decades ago. It’s not the author forgetting to fill in the English dialogue! In the original game, ＊＊＊ベトナム語＊＊＊(Vietnamese) would be displayed when a certain Vietnamese character speaks. (Yes, the voice acting was in perfect Vietnamese too.) It’s theorized that this was either simply a joke or that the developers didn’t have the resources to add a typeface with Vietnamese script support. How’s this for an obscure reference?

contents: /ch001/ /ch002/ /ch003/ /ch004/ /ch005/ /ch006/ /ch007/ /ch008/ /ch009/ /ch010/ /ch011/ /ch012/ /ch013/ /ch014/ /ch015/ /next/

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#Average Translations #AvgTL #osm #light novels #ln #web novels #wn #syosetu #一般の英訳 #ライトノベル #ラノベ #オンライン小説 #オンラインノベル #小説家になろう #Crowbar Nurse #CBN #threehyphens #isekai #バールナース #異世界

[smallscarecrow]

Swamp Song (siren au, part five)

A/N: Many thanks to @partyinthemysterymachine for suggesting the title!

He goes through the wallet after he gets home. There’s nothing particular of interest in it, really. Fifty dollars in cash, a credit card, driver’s license—and a business card. Heavy card-stock, of a good quality, in a shade of lavender that frankly hurts to look at. The ink isn’t much better. The only other thing Jon’s seen with that kind of shimmery emerald green is on his copy of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. One side just has a large question mark on it; the other has “Edward Nygma” in elaborate cursive, “the Riddler” in a plainer font right below it. Christ, is that glitter?  Jon snorts, brushes a thumb over the question mark to check. 

Then he frowns, and does it again.

There’s something embedded in the card. Small, squarish. Maybe metallic. Jon sets the card down on the kitchen counter and rummages about in the drawers. Damn it, he has that first aid kit in here somewhere.  He surfaces a minute later with a scalpel and a pair of tweezers. 

It’s easier than he thought it would be, getting it out. A small incision to the right of the thing, a bit of finagling with the tweezers. Jon holds up his prize to the dingy light bulb. 

It’s some kind of computer chip. Tiny green motherboard, elegant silver wiring. Hardly bigger than his fingernail. Probably a tracker. Jon’s no expert in engineering, but he knows enough to realize how difficult creating it would be. 

“Alright, Mister Nymga,” Jon says. “Consider me impressed.” 

It’s a work of art, really. He’s almost sad he has to crush the damn thing. 

Jon’s out of the apartment within the hour. 

Just one bag, that’s all he’s ever needed. A few sets of clothes, cash, energy bars, a favorite book or two. He learned a long time ago to travel light, how to go on the run. 

Sometimes, he wonders if he’s ever going to stop running. 

Out the side door, into the crowd. Jon slouches, keeps the brim of his hat low over his face. Tries not to look over his shoulder too much. He’ll call in sick, hide out at the lab for a few days.  Wait for the trail to go cold. It’ll be fine. 

Jon snorts again. Keep telling yourself that, he thinks. Maybe one of these days it’ll turn out to be true. 

Nygma finds him a day later, in the dead of night. Jon can’t help appreciating the theatricality of it: clock chiming midnight, metallic scrape of the lockpick, muffled thud of a cane. A pause on the basement steps. Tap tap tap. It takes him a moment to place the sound---chalk on a hard surface. Jon leans back in the rocking chair and raises his eyebrows beneath the mask. Hmm... 

The grandfather clock on the second floor is letting out its final note when the Riddler decides to grace him with his presence. He’s better-dressed than Jon had expected, and better-looking. Early forties, at a guess. Curly red hair, brown skin. The suit is green, the tie purple, and his glasses and cane handle glint gold in the dim laboratory light. 

He’s wearing Mardi Gras colors, Jon thinks suddenly, and bites down hard on a laugh. “You know, it’s rude to keep your guest waiting,” he says. 

“I find I’m worth waiting for.” Nygma takes a cautious step forward. “And I didn’t realize I was being expected.” 

“I’ve been expecting you for the last---”Jon glances at his watch. “Five hours. Did you get lost in traffic, or did it really take this long to figure out where I was?” 

“Oh, please,” Nygma scoffs. “It took me three hours, probably less. You can’t hide  from every security camera in Gotham. I simply... wanted the right atmosphere for our first meeting.”

Jon processes this with a nod and a hidden smile. An ego the size of the moon, this one. He finds it amusing instead of annoying. “You’re a showman, then. I presume you’re here about your two friends last night?” 

“They’re not friends.” He sneers and takes another step. Jon can make out the freckles on his skin now. “Employees. Very incompetent employees.”

“They didn’t seem very bright.” 

“They weren’t.” Nymga chuckles. “But to be fair, everyone’s not very bright compared to me.” 

“Really.”

“You said it yourself, didn’t you? Right before I lost the GPS signal.  ‘Mr. Nygma, consider me impressed.’ You do know how to flatter a man, Mister...?” 

Ah. So it had been a bug as well. That’s a little embarrassing. “Scarecrow will do for now.” 

Nygma grins. His teeth are very white. “Riddle me this. I can never be stolen from you. I am owned by everyone. Some have more, some have less. What am I?” 

It takes him a while to answer. “Knowledge.”

“Exactly! Knowledge. So many facts I have yet to get a hold of, Mr. Scarecrow. Your name, which I will of course eventually find out. But more importantly, how you managed to lure my men into the alley way in the first place. All my recording has is silence and then the struggle.”

“You realize curiousity killed the cat.”

“But satisfaction brought it back, didn’t it?” 

Jon stretches his legs out and sets the chair rocking. “Would you believe me if I said it was magic?”

“No.”

“What a pity.” 

They regard each in silence. Maybe they’re waiting for the other to break. Or blink. Two minutes in, Jon starts humming. No particular tune to it, a low, wandering melody he makes up on the spot. 

It does exactly jackshit. 

Merde. French seems more appropriate, in this instance. More empathetic.  There’s a couple restrictions on his voice, Jon has found. It works only on men, and it doesn’t work through electronic equipment. He reexamines Nygma again. There’s another gleam of metal at his ears---in his ears.

“You have hearing aids,” Jon says, understanding at last. 

Nygma, on the other hand, does not seem quite as understanding. In a flash that cane of his is pinned against Jon’s throat, forcing his head back. The chair makes a quiet thud against the wall. “What the hell are you implying?” 

Jon swallows automatically against the pressure. The metal is still very warm from Nygma’s hand, he notes dazedly. “Only that it explains why my ability doesn’t work on you. Nothing more.” 

“Abilities.” He leaves the cane where it is. Jon doesn’t know whether to be glad or pissed off at that. “I could dangle you out one of the windows and you still wouldn’t give me an answer.” 

Jon just shrugs, and slips a syringe out from under his sleeve. He may need it soon. “I think I’ve given you enough hints. If you’re as smart as you say you are, I imagine you’d enjoy the challenge,” he mutters. “And it would be so disappointing if you had to resort to physical threats.” 

“Why’s that?” 

“Because then I’d have to bite your nose off, and it’d be a shame to ruin a pretty face like yours.” 

Nymga snorts. “You don’t have the guts.” 

“Try me.” 

Jon presses the needle lightly to the wrist holding the cane. Nygma goes very, very still. “What is that?” he asks. 

“This is what made your former employees scream so much, Mr. Nygma. Would you like to know how much terror a man can experience until his heart gives out? I would.” 

Nygma keeps one eye on the syringe, the other on Jon’s eyes. “I could still beat you to death before it hits.” 

“And that would depend entirely on which of us is faster. You’re a planner, Mr. Nygma, I can tell that already. You wouldn’t leave something like this to chance.” 

The scowl on his face darkens into something stormy. Anger looks fetching on him. “No, I wouldn’t. It appears we’re at an impasse.” 

Neither of them particularly wants to lower their weapon of choice, but one of them has to. Jon quite doubts Nygma has the self-control, so he slowly raises the syringe away from his wrist. A second later, the weight of the cane lifts from his neck. Jon tries not to look too closely at why he’s so dismayed by that. 

“Well then,” Nygma says. Suddenly there’s a burst of movement, a blur of green and purple, and Jon’s mask is sliding over his head, dangling from the other man’s grasp. “Until next time, Scarecrow.” 

Jon gapes at him, but by the time he’s found his voice again, Nygma’s gone. He sighs. “Until next time, Mr. Nygma.” 

#jonathan crane #edward nygma #swamp song #siren au #scriddler

[onestowatch]

For dodie, a Bit of Madness Is Key [Q&A]

“Oh, I’m so human/ We’re just human,” confesses dodie on the title track of her third EP, Human. It is a simple yet profound sentiment that builds an impressive level of atmosphere, as well as the emotional crux for much of the English singer-songwriter’s touching musings. For whether dodie finds herself diving headfirst into an idyllic, lovelorn number or stepping back into a moment of stripped-back reflection, there is an undeniable human element to the entire affair.

Perhaps it is that very notion of accepting every facet of what makes us human that begins to explain dodie’s near-universal appeal. Opening up about her own struggles with mental health in both her music and on her various social media platforms, dodie has amassed a monumental following whose dynamic more closely resembles that of a collective family than that of your typical fan-and-artist relationship. 

We had the pleasure to sit down with dodie, who is currently in the midst of her largest headlining tour to date, to discuss what it means to be human, her friendship with Tessa Violet, being labeled a YouTuber, and gifting a purpose to your pain.

OTW: I was in the bathroom, which is a great way to start any interview.

dodie: Yes, it is.

OTW: They had this question written in chalk on the wall. “What keeps you up at night?” Very heavy.

dodie: And you stole it.

OTW: Exactly. I just thought, “That’s a good one.” So, what keeps you up at night?

dodie: Oh, man. Do we really want to start like this? Ok, let me think. What keeps me up at night? My friends talking in the other room. I guess the fear of death will creep in now and again. I think sometimes I’m guilty of thinking about the past a lot and what it used to be like. I feel like I’ve trained myself pretty well to fall asleep pretty quickly. If I’m not feeling great, I’ll be like, “Brain, time to turn off, and begin again the next day, just try again.” If I’m feeling good, I feel good enough to sleep.

OTW: Moving beyond existential dread for a moment, let’s talk about your latest EP, Human. What do you think it means to be human?

dodie: I think it means experiencing everything. Forgive yourself and forgive everyone else, because we are experiencing life. So yeah, feeling a lot, experiencing a lot, maybe doing shameful things, and forgiving yourself.

OTW: You’re very open when it comes to speaking about mental health. As someone who got their start on a very public-facing platform, was this sense of candidness planned from the outset? 

dodie: Nothing has ever been planned. I think I’m planning now, but when I began and the way my career grew, it was not planned. I think I started kind of experiencing different symptoms of mental health problems, and it was new to me. I don’t think I had it in me to keep up this happy pretense, so I started sharing naturally on various platforms. And I think at first, the response was very kind–people related -- and my community was small enough back then for it to be this really wholesome thing that didn’t have many consequences. It’s more difficult for me now, because there’s just way too many people and way too many opinions, so I kind of hold myself back a little bit more. But it was a helpful thing.

OTW: As someone who has personally and publicly dealt with mental health issues of their own, what do you think is the best advice or best thing a friend has done to help?

dodie: Just listen. It sounds like such a stereotype, but it really is the best thing you can do. When I think about all my friends, and the times I needed them most... I’ve called friends, sat on sofas as they stuffed pillows in my arms or just put everything down and listened to me cry, and talk it out. They don’t even have to pretend to understand. Sadly, a lot of my friends have mental health problems too, so they can relate very easily. 

I think just having the space to let me know that I’m being heard, and just that they’re there for me is so important. I have a friend called Shannon who says, “We will sort it out. We can do that.” That makes me feel so supported. When everything’s overwhelming she’s like, “We will get through this.” I love that so much.

OTW: Would you say a lot of your songwriting comes from personal experience then?

dodie: I think I play with themes that run in my life. More recently, I’ve been experimenting with writing from different perspectives. I saw Lin-Manuel today. He’s writing the new Little Mermaid songs, and he said something along the lines of “Oh, I should get out my Moana book, because he wrote all the songs from Moana, which are all water-themed.” And he kind of got over the Moana songs he wrote. I feel that way. Like, I’ve written about love and mental health a lot, and it’s hard to keep going back and being like, “I’ve already written this song.” So yeah, I think I kind of play with different themes in my life that come across. Life is so damn long, and so much happens that I don’t think I ever will run out of inspiration.

OTW: There’s an ongoing conversation of “Oh, you’re a YouTuber-turned-musician,” in spite of your very first uploads to the channel being your own music. 

dodie: I definitely understand it though, because I did grow up online. Basically, I don’t want to get mixed up with people who made YouTube videos solely, and then decided they wanted to make music for fun. Because my music has very much been intertwined with my videos since the beginning. I don’t mind the word “YouTuber,” or being called a YouTuber. It would be dumb to hide and say that I wasn’t, or that I’m not, because I still enjoy YouTube sometimes. It’s a little weird now, but it’s still really fun to sit down and make a video. So I don’t mind, I guess it’s just an easy title to say.

OTW: There is a whole new generation of apps and platforms, from Instagram, Spotify, to TikTok, which have allowed for an unprecedented level of visibility. Any thoughts on the present state of streaming and social media culture?

dodie: It’s interesting because there are a lot of talented people out there, and now there are so many platforms in which you can get yourself discovered. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think it’s a pretty cool thing -- to have the potential to create a portfolio on whatever platform you choose. It’s weird. It’s interesting. It’s terrifying. I’m kind of glad I came to it before, and I got to experience what it was like to have that world in a smaller way.

OTW: Speaking of fellow YouTubers, who have gone on to make some amazing music, what is the story with Tessa Violet?

dodie: I was a fan of Meekakitty. I guess you could say that Tessa was a YouTuber-turned-musician, but she’s a damn good musician. She deserves any title. Touring with her was awesome. She is the coolest woman. I love her songs. I can’t wait for her to blow up an become a pop goddess; that’s what she deserves.

OTW: 100% agreed as someone who has watched the music video for “Crush” far too many times. 

dodie: It’s so good. I remember when she was playing me her songs, because she’s just like me, she has a lot of self-doubt. She was sending me various versions of songs saying, “I don’t know if I like this.” And at that time she was spending so much money trying to make these songs, trying to make videos, and she wasn’t sure if it was going to work out. I just kept saying, “Trust me, when people hear this song, the world’s going to go mad.” And they did. I’m so glad. She has a ridiculous amount of views now, and she deserves it.

OTW: Have you had a similar feeling at any point? The age-old doubts of “I don’t know if this is right... is music for me?”

dodie: Definitely not with music. I don’t know, sometimes I’m like do I really want this as my career? Because I love it so much, and it’s always been that way with me. It’s tough when in interviews people ask, “What’s your hobby? What gives you joy?” And I just say, “music is my life.” I don’t know, but I always come back to “Well, why not?” It’s the perfect thing. 

If I can survive off of doing the thing I love most, then god, I’m so damn lucky. But, I think in terms of what musical career I want, I’m at a very nice place right now where I’m working on my personal project, which is my album and a lot of forthcoming things. But then I’m being hired to cover songs for TV shows, which is something else I really want to get into–like film and TV. I’m just very lucky, basically.

OTW: Any plans for an acting debut?

Dodie: Oh heck yeah! Actually, you know what, I want to be an actor. Acting actually was my number one. I didn’t think music could be a job, but luckily that happened. I was just like, “I’ll always have music in my life.” If I could write a song for an episode and then be in the episode, that would be great! Hire me!

OTW: I have to ask. What’s your tattoo?

dodie: Have you seen La La Land?

OTW: Of course.

dodie: This is a quote from La La Land. It’s the song Mia sings in her audition, called “The Fools Who Dream.” She sings, “A bit of madness is key.” It’s probably my favorite film of all time. It’s filled with music, color, and LA, and I love LA and all of its weirdness. Also, I feel like this quote, in particular, has a mental health meaning of whenever I feel really, really bad, I remind myself that I’ve used it, and I can use it again. It helps me in writing or being empathetic, so you need a little bit of this pain to keep going. Even though, when you’re really in it, you’re just like, “No, you don’t! I’d rather just not have it!”

OTW: Do you worry sometimes that people romanticize mental illness too much, especially when it comes to creating art? 

dodie: It is tough. I think about that a lot. I’ll start with the bad first, and then get into why I don’t believe that’s true. I can understand. You go online now, and everyone’s joking about mental health, anxiety, panic attacks, dissociating, and depression. It’s tough; it’s triggering. I think, growing up now, I would probably question my mental health, and I don’t know what that would have done to me.

However, in comparison to all the good that it’s made, that is so small. If you don’t have mental health problems, you might see that as a problem. In having mental health problems, you will know that making fun of the fucking shit that you feel is the only way you are going to get through. 

There’s so much good in gifting a purpose to your pain. Otherwise, what else are you supposed to do with it? Just fucking sit and carry it around? No! I think it’s great when people take what they have to have, because it’s so hard to get rid of, work through, process it, and make something good out of it. At least then, you’ve got something out of it. Especially when you’re in your worst moments, where you’re like, “What am I doing here? I don’t want this.” You have evidence to prove yourself and to everyone else that you have a purpose and that you can use whatever ails you for good.

OTW: What’s next for you musically?

dodie: I am trying to write an album. I’m really excited for whatever’s next. I don’t know when this whole body of work will come to fruition, cause I don’t have a lot of time but definitely some exciting things happening.

OTW: Who are your Ones To Watch?

dodie: Orla Gartland. She’s my good friend, one of the best damn singer-songwriters I know. Tessa Violet! She’s got a few years worth of songwriting and, let me tell you, they are bangers. I went on tour with KAWALA. They were great lads. Those are my Ones To Watch!

OTW: Any final words?

dodie: I’m thirsty, and I’m going to get a drink but not Kombucha. Those are my final words!

#dodie #interview #human #indie #pop #singer songwriter

[fayecallasdatingblog]

How To Make a Man Fall in Love With You: 17 Tips He Won’t Resist

If you’re searching for how to make a man fall in love with you, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you might be on your way to falling in love with him.

Am I right?

You’re falling fast for this guy, and you can only hope that he feels the same, but how can you ensure that he is?

In this article, you’re not going to find a bunch of ways to trick a man into falling in love with you. That’s not how I operate. What you will find are strategies for how to make a man fall in love with you that I have seen work firsthand.

If you’re here for the first time, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Adam LoDolce, and I have helped thousands of women find true love. I’ve worked as a dating coach for both men and women, and I’ve spoken at dozens of universities, where every single person in the audience walked away with tangible advice they could apply to dating and relationships.

So, yea, I kinda know what I’m talking about.

But don’t take it from me! Test out as many of the following strategies as you’d like and see if they work for you in learning how to make a man fall in love with you.

First, a Note on the Art of Patience

via GIPHY

Before we get started, let me just say something about patience. If you have fallen for this guy, I understand that you’re in a vulnerable place while you wait for him to catch up with you. Does he love you? Does he love you not? You’ll do anything in your power to make him love you.

But pump the breaks a bit because if you rush things, you may blow it. Love takes time, and it comes to everyone at a different tempo.

And sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. Don’t blame yourself. If he doesn’t fall in love with you, it wasn’t meant to be. I bet if you step away, you’ll see a million reasons why that’s true.

But give him time. All his past relationship experiences, along with his personality, will impact how long it takes him. If you truly love him, you’ll wait.

17 Tips for How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You

Just like with all my dating and relationship advice, some of these tips on how to make a man fall in love with you may work better for you than others. You know yourself and what comes naturally, so apply the tips that make the most sense.

1.  Make Him Feel Needed (But Don’t Be Needy)

Need him without being needy.

Look, I know you’re an independent woman that doesn’t need a man, but the truth is…men like to feel needed. Chalk it up to our evolutionary past of being the provider and protector in the relationship. Sure, you can kill your own spiders and change your own tire, but that doesn’t mean you have to.

If you’ve been single for a while and have become accustomed to doing everything that needs doing, this may take a little practice and letting go, but the next time you have something that you know your man would excel at, ask for help.

That’s all. Just ask for help.

Not only will you give him purpose (after all, he’s trying to win your heart too, so doing something for you is huge), but you’ll also see how nice it is to lean on someone else, to rely on him to help you. It takes the load off of you for sure.

2. Let Him Miss You

I know if you’re falling for this guy, you want to spend every waking moment with him. And maybe he wants that too. But let’s ease into that 24/7 type of relationship, shall we? Or better yet…never get to it.

Having time apart is healthy for couples. It gives you each time to do things on your own or spend time with friends (don’t be that chick who abandons her friends whenever she’s in a relationship). It gives you something to talk about when you are together. Having time apart provides balance in the relationship, and it gives you both the opportunity to miss one another.

When he misses you, he thinks about you. He thinks about his feelings for you. All good things!

3.  Compliment Him…Only if He Deserves It

Okay, to be clear, I am not suggesting you kiss this guy’s ass all the time.

“Oh Bobby! That shirt looks amaaazing on you.”

“Oh Bobby! You’re so strong!”

“Oh Bobby! I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

Not what we’re going for. What I do want you to do is be free with the compliments. If you’re thinking in your head that he looks hot in that shirt, tell him! I’m not sure why it is, but most of us don’t compliment other people far enough, even when we’re thinking complimentary things.

But think about how awesome you feel when someone compliments you. Why wouldn’t you want to make the guy you care so much about feel that great? So whenever something positive sprouts up in your brain about how he looks, something witty he says, or something he’s done, let him know you appreciate it.

4. Let Your True Nature Shine

I’ve heard some so-called dating gurus tell women to dumb down their intellect or put a damper on their exuberant personalities. This is utter crap. If you do that, then the guy has one impression of who you are that is entirely inaccurate. Once you get to know each other and you start being real, he might be thrown off when he discovers that, whoa, you’re actually intelligent or opinionated.

The right guy will love you for who you are.

That’s right. No need to pretend your IQ isn’t off the charts, or that you’re not a control freak. Let your control or otherwise freak flag fly. That way, he knows exactly what he’s getting into from the start. If he’s into it? Great. He’ll be that much more likely to fall in love with you.

5. Admire His Masculinity

Just like men like to be needed, they also like it when you admire how masculine they are. But again, I’m not saying you need to squeeze his muscles and faint every time you see him!

Masculinity isn’t just about testosterone and muscles. It’s about treating people well, being chivalrous, and acting with honor. Like the Norman Mailer quote above says.

Real masculinity is being vulnerable and empathetic. It’s being a good partner. So whatever it means to you, let him know that you admire these qualities. If nothing else, it will start an interesting dialogue on what it means to be a man in this day and age.

6. Be Patient

I talked about the importance of being patient as part of the process of learning how to make a man fall in love with you, but I can’t say enough about it.

If you feel like you’ll explode if you don’t profess your love for him, heed this advice.  Tell a friend how you feel. She’ll support you but also help you analyze whether your lovegush will be reciprocated or not. If she doesn’t feel like he’s exhibiting the signs of being in love with you yet, she’ll tell you and you can save yourself from the embarrassment of a one-sided love profession (the worst!).

I’m not saying the man always has to be the one to say “I love you” first, but you do want to give him time to process his feelings on the subject. Just think how much better it would be if, when the pronouncement does happen, regardless of who says it first, you both say it.

If you rush this, you may be disappointed. Keep that in mind.

If you’re still desperate to let someone know, journal about it. This will help you process your feelings. And it never hurts to sit on them for a while. In the early stages of a relationship, it can sometimes be difficult to discern between love and lust, so by giving your love time to marinate, you can be 100% sure that it is love before you make yourself vulnerable.

7.  Let Him Know You’re Thinking of Him

I know in the early days of dating a new guy, you might try to have a poker face. After all, you aren’t sure if this is going to turn into a relationship, so you might be hesitant to tell him that you’re thinking of him.

Well, the rules have changed now that things are progressing, and it’s actually in your favor to tell him he’s on your mind. Just like with compliments, if you like it, he will too. You blush from your head to your toe whenever he tells you that he’s thinking of you, so why not reciprocate? Here are a few texts you could send to make him smile.

Saw a corgi today [his favorite dog] and it made me think of you!

Sigh. I can’t get any work done today. Just keep replaying our last date…

Just wanted to say hi, since you’re on my mind!

None of these are overboard. They’re just little pings to tell him that you’re thinking about him. They’ll make him smile, I guarantee!

8. Be Supportive of His Interests and Efforts

Look, you don’t have to suddenly feign an interest in disc golf, rock climbing, or fishing if you’re not already into them, but if your guy has hobbies or interests, one way to successfully learn how to make a man fall in love with you is to be supportive.

If he goes on a fishing trip, ask what he caught. If he’s going to the rock climbing gym, ask how his workout went. You’re not pretending you’re all about these interests; you’re just showing that you respect that he’s got things he’s into, and you’re inquiring about them.

A scientific study showed that people like people who ask questions, particularly followup questions. Followup questions show that you’re paying attention and that you’re genuinely interested. So don’t stop with simply asking him how that fishing trip went. If he tells you that he caught a tuna, ask him what fresh tuna tastes like. Ask who he went fishing with. Ask what kind of bait he uses. Especially if you don’t know a lot about his hobby, he’d be happy to teach you if you’re express curiosity.

Likewise, be supportive of what he’s doing. If you know he’s got a job interview this week, send a text beforehand letting him know you’re rooting for him, then check in with him after to see how it went. One of the foundations of a loving relationship is support; when you show your partner that you’re there for him as his biggest cheerleader, he feels great. And when you support him, you’re starting to glom onto how to make a man fall in love with you.

9. Don’t Try to Change Him

If you want to change him, you’re off to a bad start.

I totally love Chip…except his excessive drinking habit.

He’s completely right for me…if only he didn’t yell at waiters when they get his order wrong.

Sure, you’re going to have a few things that might get on your nerves with this guy, but they shouldn’t be dealbreakers. You can’t think that down the road you will break him of whatever annoying habit he’s got. You can never, ever change a man. Seriously.

If there are issues big enough to make you hesitate when you think about a future with this guy, he’s not right for you. Let him go. You’ll be better off in the long run.

Men who are with women who constantly make suggestions for how they could be better tend to close off from them. So pay attention to what you’re saying to him. If you’re sending him a constant barrage of “you should…” messaging, pull back, or you’ll lose him. Instead, embrace him with all his quirks. He’ll do the same with you.

10. Listen (REALLY) When He Talks

While it’s easy to talk, it’s a lot harder to listen…I mean really listen. Not half listening to your guy on the phone while you paint your toenails and browse social media.

When you put all your energy into hearing what he’s saying, you are actually listening on two levels: on the first, you’re hearing his words, but you’re also taking in what he’s communicating nonverbally. And since 60-80% of our communication is nonverbal,  this is incredibly important to pick up on, especially if you want to learn how to make a man fall in love with you madly.

When he says his day is “fine,” what is his body language saying? Is he nervously fidgeting? If so, he may want to go more into his day but wants you to ask more questions. Is he sad when he talks? Dive into why with more followup. Repeat what you understand him to have said to show that you’re paying attention.

11. Show Him You Appreciate Him

Here’s another one of those tips for how to make a man fall in love with you that falls under that whole “do unto others” thing. Think about how you feel when your man brings your favorite grande quadruple shot coconut milk latte on your coffee break at work. That little gesture shows you that he cares for and appreciates you.

What can you do to show that you appreciate him?

Think about ways you can make his life easier. Maybe he’s super busy, so you pick up his dry cleaning or walk his dog.

Maybe he’s been stressed lately, so you fill the bedroom with candles and treat him to an hour-long massage.

Find ways to make him smile.

Stick a love note in his laptop bag. Bring him breakfast in bed.

Tell him thank you for no reason other than for him being his wonderful self. The more you show your appreciation, the more he’ll feel your love…and start to feel his own for you.

12. Let Him Make You Laugh

Sara scowls whenever her boyfriend Tyrone tells a joke at a party. She feels he’s trying to get too much attention for himself. Tyrone is crushed that she doesn’t think he’s funny.

Lindsay laughs so hard at Scott’s jokes that milk shoots out of her nose. She’s always introducing him as her “hilarious boyfriend.”

Which guy do you think is more likely to fall in love?

I’m not suggesting you fake laugh at all of his jokes. But if he’s funny, let him make you laugh. Having a similar sense of humor is important for a long-lasting and loving relationship. If you love that he guffaws at every one of your “that’s what she said” jokes, then reciprocate when he tells a knock-knock joke.

13. Trust Him

I know that trust doesn’t come easily if you’ve been hurt in the past. But please realize that this guy isn’t that guy. And if you want this relationship to work out, you’re going to have to trust him at some point.

Certainly, if he’s exhibiting signs that he shouldn’t be trusted, don’t ignore those. But if he’s done everything right, then let those walls around your heart down a tad.

So how do you trust him? Stop assuming you’re the only one who can do something right. Let’s say you normally do the planning for road trips, and you have one coming up with your guy. Rather than taking control, if he’s offering, put him in charge of planning it.

So what if you take a 3-hour detour to see a llama farm? The experience will be memorable. Don’t view the trip through the lens of what you would have planned but just enjoy that he put in the effort to do something for the two of you.

If the issue is him being around other women, especially if you’ve been cheated on, communicate your feelings of insecurity rather than jumping down his throat about hanging out with an old female friend from high school. Let him know that because of past experiences, it’s not easy for you to not worry about that situation. He’ll reassure you that he’s only got eyes for you, and you have to believe him rather than telling yourself that this will be another guy to hurt you.

If you have love, you have trust. You can’t have one without the other.

14. Be Independent

I have had a lot of female relationship coaching clients who, in their 20s and in their first serious relationship, pretty much gave up all friendships and interests for a guy. It wasn’t like he asked her to do it, but it’s a common thing. And when you get older, this pattern continues. If this describes you, it’s important to understand that one of the best ways to discover how to make a man fall in love with you is to be independent and keep on doing the things you love with the people you care about.

Who would you be more attracted to, a man who stopped his weekly soccer games with his buddies so he could spend every day with you…

Or the guy who kisses you before he goes to soccer practice, texts you that he’s going out for a beer afterward, and then comes back afterward to see you because he misses you?

Like I said in #2: having a little space in your relationship is healthy. And so is having things that you do on your own. Even if you just want to spend all Saturday afternoon reading by yourself, if that’s what nurtures you, that’s what’s right for the relationship. The right guy won’t have any problem with that, and in fact from Meet Positives SM Feed https://ift.tt/2LnFud6 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives SM Feed

[travisandersondatingblog]

How To Make a Man Fall in Love With You: 17 Tips He Won’t Resist

If you’re searching for how to make a man fall in love with you, I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you might be on your way to falling in love with him.

Am I right?

You’re falling fast for this guy, and you can only hope that he feels the same, but how can you ensure that he is?

In this article, you’re not going to find a bunch of ways to trick a man into falling in love with you. That’s not how I operate. What you will find are strategies for how to make a man fall in love with you that I have seen work firsthand.

If you’re here for the first time, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Adam LoDolce, and I have helped thousands of women find true love. I’ve worked as a dating coach for both men and women, and I’ve spoken at dozens of universities, where every single person in the audience walked away with tangible advice they could apply to dating and relationships.

So, yea, I kinda know what I’m talking about.

But don’t take it from me! Test out as many of the following strategies as you’d like and see if they work for you in learning how to make a man fall in love with you.

First, a Note on the Art of Patience

via GIPHY

Before we get started, let me just say something about patience. If you have fallen for this guy, I understand that you’re in a vulnerable place while you wait for him to catch up with you. Does he love you? Does he love you not? You’ll do anything in your power to make him love you.

But pump the breaks a bit because if you rush things, you may blow it. Love takes time, and it comes to everyone at a different tempo.

And sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. Don’t blame yourself. If he doesn’t fall in love with you, it wasn’t meant to be. I bet if you step away, you’ll see a million reasons why that’s true.

But give him time. All his past relationship experiences, along with his personality, will impact how long it takes him. If you truly love him, you’ll wait.

17 Tips for How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You

Just like with all my dating and relationship advice, some of these tips on how to make a man fall in love with you may work better for you than others. You know yourself and what comes naturally, so apply the tips that make the most sense.

1.  Make Him Feel Needed (But Don’t Be Needy)

Need him without being needy.

Look, I know you’re an independent woman that doesn’t need a man, but the truth is…men like to feel needed. Chalk it up to our evolutionary past of being the provider and protector in the relationship. Sure, you can kill your own spiders and change your own tire, but that doesn’t mean you have to.

If you’ve been single for a while and have become accustomed to doing everything that needs doing, this may take a little practice and letting go, but the next time you have something that you know your man would excel at, ask for help.

That’s all. Just ask for help.

Not only will you give him purpose (after all, he’s trying to win your heart too, so doing something for you is huge), but you’ll also see how nice it is to lean on someone else, to rely on him to help you. It takes the load off of you for sure.

2. Let Him Miss You

I know if you’re falling for this guy, you want to spend every waking moment with him. And maybe he wants that too. But let’s ease into that 24/7 type of relationship, shall we? Or better yet…never get to it.

Having time apart is healthy for couples. It gives you each time to do things on your own or spend time with friends (don’t be that chick who abandons her friends whenever she’s in a relationship). It gives you something to talk about when you are together. Having time apart provides balance in the relationship, and it gives you both the opportunity to miss one another.

When he misses you, he thinks about you. He thinks about his feelings for you. All good things!

3.  Compliment Him…Only if He Deserves It

Okay, to be clear, I am not suggesting you kiss this guy’s ass all the time.

“Oh Bobby! That shirt looks amaaazing on you.”

“Oh Bobby! You’re so strong!”

“Oh Bobby! I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

Not what we’re going for. What I do want you to do is be free with the compliments. If you’re thinking in your head that he looks hot in that shirt, tell him! I’m not sure why it is, but most of us don’t compliment other people far enough, even when we’re thinking complimentary things.

But think about how awesome you feel when someone compliments you. Why wouldn’t you want to make the guy you care so much about feel that great? So whenever something positive sprouts up in your brain about how he looks, something witty he says, or something he’s done, let him know you appreciate it.

4. Let Your True Nature Shine

I’ve heard some so-called dating gurus tell women to dumb down their intellect or put a damper on their exuberant personalities. This is utter crap. If you do that, then the guy has one impression of who you are that is entirely inaccurate. Once you get to know each other and you start being real, he might be thrown off when he discovers that, whoa, you’re actually intelligent or opinionated.

The right guy will love you for who you are.

That’s right. No need to pretend your IQ isn’t off the charts, or that you’re not a control freak. Let your control or otherwise freak flag fly. That way, he knows exactly what he’s getting into from the start. If he’s into it? Great. He’ll be that much more likely to fall in love with you.

5. Admire His Masculinity

Just like men like to be needed, they also like it when you admire how masculine they are. But again, I’m not saying you need to squeeze his muscles and faint every time you see him!

Masculinity isn’t just about testosterone and muscles. It’s about treating people well, being chivalrous, and acting with honor. Like the Norman Mailer quote above says.

Real masculinity is being vulnerable and empathetic. It’s being a good partner. So whatever it means to you, let him know that you admire these qualities. If nothing else, it will start an interesting dialogue on what it means to be a man in this day and age.

6. Be Patient

I talked about the importance of being patient as part of the process of learning how to make a man fall in love with you, but I can’t say enough about it.

If you feel like you’ll explode if you don’t profess your love for him, heed this advice.  Tell a friend how you feel. She’ll support you but also help you analyze whether your lovegush will be reciprocated or not. If she doesn’t feel like he’s exhibiting the signs of being in love with you yet, she’ll tell you and you can save yourself from the embarrassment of a one-sided love profession (the worst!).

I’m not saying the man always has to be the one to say “I love you” first, but you do want to give him time to process his feelings on the subject. Just think how much better it would be if, when the pronouncement does happen, regardless of who says it first, you both say it.

If you rush this, you may be disappointed. Keep that in mind.

If you’re still desperate to let someone know, journal about it. This will help you process your feelings. And it never hurts to sit on them for a while. In the early stages of a relationship, it can sometimes be difficult to discern between love and lust, so by giving your love time to marinate, you can be 100% sure that it is love before you make yourself vulnerable.

7.  Let Him Know You’re Thinking of Him

I know in the early days of dating a new guy, you might try to have a poker face. After all, you aren’t sure if this is going to turn into a relationship, so you might be hesitant to tell him that you’re thinking of him.

Well, the rules have changed now that things are progressing, and it’s actually in your favor to tell him he’s on your mind. Just like with compliments, if you like it, he will too. You blush from your head to your toe whenever he tells you that he’s thinking of you, so why not reciprocate? Here are a few texts you could send to make him smile.

Saw a corgi today [his favorite dog] and it made me think of you!

Sigh. I can’t get any work done today. Just keep replaying our last date…

Just wanted to say hi, since you’re on my mind!

None of these are overboard. They’re just little pings to tell him that you’re thinking about him. They’ll make him smile, I guarantee!

8. Be Supportive of His Interests and Efforts

Look, you don’t have to suddenly feign an interest in disc golf, rock climbing, or fishing if you’re not already into them, but if your guy has hobbies or interests, one way to successfully learn how to make a man fall in love with you is to be supportive.

If he goes on a fishing trip, ask what he caught. If he’s going to the rock climbing gym, ask how his workout went. You’re not pretending you’re all about these interests; you’re just showing that you respect that he’s got things he’s into, and you’re inquiring about them.

A scientific study showed that people like people who ask questions, particularly followup questions. Followup questions show that you’re paying attention and that you’re genuinely interested. So don’t stop with simply asking him how that fishing trip went. If he tells you that he caught a tuna, ask him what fresh tuna tastes like. Ask who he went fishing with. Ask what kind of bait he uses. Especially if you don’t know a lot about his hobby, he’d be happy to teach you if you’re express curiosity.

Likewise, be supportive of what he’s doing. If you know he’s got a job interview this week, send a text beforehand letting him know you’re rooting for him, then check in with him after to see how it went. One of the foundations of a loving relationship is support; when you show your partner that you’re there for him as his biggest cheerleader, he feels great. And when you support him, you’re starting to glom onto how to make a man fall in love with you.

9. Don’t Try to Change Him

If you want to change him, you’re off to a bad start.

I totally love Chip…except his excessive drinking habit.

He’s completely right for me…if only he didn’t yell at waiters when they get his order wrong.

Sure, you’re going to have a few things that might get on your nerves with this guy, but they shouldn’t be dealbreakers. You can’t think that down the road you will break him of whatever annoying habit he’s got. You can never, ever change a man. Seriously.

If there are issues big enough to make you hesitate when you think about a future with this guy, he’s not right for you. Let him go. You’ll be better off in the long run.

Men who are with women who constantly make suggestions for how they could be better tend to close off from them. So pay attention to what you’re saying to him. If you’re sending him a constant barrage of “you should…” messaging, pull back, or you’ll lose him. Instead, embrace him with all his quirks. He’ll do the same with you.

10. Listen (REALLY) When He Talks

While it’s easy to talk, it’s a lot harder to listen…I mean really listen. Not half listening to your guy on the phone while you paint your toenails and browse social media.

When you put all your energy into hearing what he’s saying, you are actually listening on two levels: on the first, you’re hearing his words, but you’re also taking in what he’s communicating nonverbally. And since 60-80% of our communication is nonverbal,  this is incredibly important to pick up on, especially if you want to learn how to make a man fall in love with you madly.

When he says his day is “fine,” what is his body language saying? Is he nervously fidgeting? If so, he may want to go more into his day but wants you to ask more questions. Is he sad when he talks? Dive into why with more followup. Repeat what you understand him to have said to show that you’re paying attention.

11. Show Him You Appreciate Him

Here’s another one of those tips for how to make a man fall in love with you that falls under that whole “do unto others” thing. Think about how you feel when your man brings your favorite grande quadruple shot coconut milk latte on your coffee break at work. That little gesture shows you that he cares for and appreciates you.

What can you do to show that you appreciate him?

Think about ways you can make his life easier. Maybe he’s super busy, so you pick up his dry cleaning or walk his dog.

Maybe he’s been stressed lately, so you fill the bedroom with candles and treat him to an hour-long massage.

Find ways to make him smile.

Stick a love note in his laptop bag. Bring him breakfast in bed.

Tell him thank you for no reason other than for him being his wonderful self. The more you show your appreciation, the more he’ll feel your love…and start to feel his own for you.

12. Let Him Make You Laugh

Sara scowls whenever her boyfriend Tyrone tells a joke at a party. She feels he’s trying to get too much attention for himself. Tyrone is crushed that she doesn’t think he’s funny.

Lindsay laughs so hard at Scott’s jokes that milk shoots out of her nose. She’s always introducing him as her “hilarious boyfriend.”

Which guy do you think is more likely to fall in love?

I’m not suggesting you fake laugh at all of his jokes. But if he’s funny, let him make you laugh. Having a similar sense of humor is important for a long-lasting and loving relationship. If you love that he guffaws at every one of your “that’s what she said” jokes, then reciprocate when he tells a knock-knock joke.

13. Trust Him

I know that trust doesn’t come easily if you’ve been hurt in the past. But please realize that this guy isn’t that guy. And if you want this relationship to work out, you’re going to have to trust him at some point.

Certainly, if he’s exhibiting signs that he shouldn’t be trusted, don’t ignore those. But if he’s done everything right, then let those walls around your heart down a tad.

So how do you trust him? Stop assuming you’re the only one who can do something right. Let’s say you normally do the planning for road trips, and you have one coming up with your guy. Rather than taking control, if he’s offering, put him in charge of planning it.

So what if you take a 3-hour detour to see a llama farm? The experience will be memorable. Don’t view the trip through the lens of what you would have planned but just enjoy that he put in the effort to do something for the two of you.

If the issue is him being around other women, especially if you’ve been cheated on, communicate your feelings of insecurity rather than jumping down his throat about hanging out with an old female friend from high school. Let him know that because of past experiences, it’s not easy for you to not worry about that situation. He’ll reassure you that he’s only got eyes for you, and you have to believe him rather than telling yourself that this will be another guy to hurt you.

If you have love, you have trust. You can’t have one without the other.

14. Be Independent

I have had a lot of female relationship coaching clients who, in their 20s and in their first serious relationship, pretty much gave up all friendships and interests for a guy. It wasn’t like he asked her to do it, but it’s a common thing. And when you get older, this pattern continues. If this describes you, it’s important to understand that one of the best ways to discover how to make a man fall in love with you is to be independent and keep on doing the things you love with the people you care about.

Who would you be more attracted to, a man who stopped his weekly soccer games with his buddies so he could spend every day with you…

Or the guy who kisses you before he goes to soccer practice, texts you that he’s going out for a beer afterward, and then comes back afterward to see you because he misses you?

Like I said in #2: having a little space in your relationship is healthy. And so is having things that you do on your own. Even if you just want to spend all Saturday afternoon reading by yourself, if that’s what nurtures you, that’s what’s right for the relationship. The right guy won’t have any problem with that, and in fact from Meet Positives SM Feed 3 https://ift.tt/2LnFud6 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives SM Feed 3

[braindamageforbeginners]

Cycle 3, Day 27

So, recently, as occasionally happens with these diseases, I got to see my own reflection, in a way. As some of you may know, Dad has Grade III bladder cancer (believe me when I say that it is an act of will that would humble Nietszche not to spend every waking moment thinking of tasteless jokes about that). He’s getting immunotherapy, which is always delivered in a, ah, method guaranteed for maximal discomfort (which, come to think about it, is probably somewhat ironic, given the way he looks at me on infusion days). Anyway, Dad’s up for another year or two of treatment - that’s fairly standard, I think - followed by an annual bladder-oscopy for the rest of his life.

I guess Dad was hoping for a more lenient parole period (I think he was hoping for a less-frequent inspection), and was a bit down after his most recent treatment. This is another moment where I had to wonder how much better I’ve done than the average, brand-new cancer patient because I’ve had to deal/prepare with this my adult life. Or, rather, I’ve had to deal with the fact that, for better or worse, you’ll be in a highly-qualified physician’s office waiting for the latest news about your very own body every 6-12 months. And that’s unpleasant, as I believe I’ve mentioned, but I’ve had sixteen years to get comfortable with the idea; I’m still not happy about it, but you figure it out.. There’s something to be said for doling out pain of any sort in smaller, more-digestible doses over a longer period (that’s the exact reason for my weird chemo schedule, I’m certain), because seeing Dad go through that realization over the course of an afternoon was a little disheartening. There must be some German term for recognizing your own pain/dread/crushing of hope in someone else (albeit on a much shorter time scale). I’m dramatizing it somewhat, because he really was just upset, sulked on the couch for a bit, and went to bed. Still, it made me realize what a drag that whole “chronic disease” label is. Suddenly, whatever you thought your life would be - even if you’re a 70-year-old man only hoping for a few more years - is completely gone. I guess I should be happy - sort of - that enough of my brain and humanity is still intact to be empathetic. Not that it’s a big fear (right now, it won’t even crack the Top 40 Phobias) that I’d lose that, but surviving something like this is still extremely depersonalizing and exhausting in a way that’s hard to convey - and, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve had to become far more aggressive and assertive than I normally would be, and I’m no longer worrying about kicking someone out of the MRI line, so we’ll chalk up “recognizing and responding appropriately to someone else’s psychological state” as a win, of sorts. For those of you wondering if I’ve been replaced by a pod person (to all my sci-fi nerd threads, I’ve been thinking that John Carpenter’s “It” would be an intriguing cancer metaphor), my sense of compassion didn’t stop me from putting Nazareth’s “Love Hurts,” and REM’s “Everybody Hurts” on the stereo (also, those are great songs).

Speaking of winning (in a much broader sense), I’m still hitting the gym far more frequently than at any previous point in my life; and I’m eating a misery-inducing amount of raw vegetables (there’s also some beer and assorted animal chops, but those tend to get lost amongst the 20 kilos of greenery now making their way through my system). That’s another thing I’d highly, highly recommend to all future cancer patients. I know it seems extraordinarily counter-intuitive to think, “Well, Stage IV; time to bulk up and be in fighting trim whilst enduring this,” but I’ve heard lots of horror stories from other patients who can’t get certain treatments because it (the treatment) will burn out some lesser organ, like their liver or heart. I have way too much invested in this “survival” business to be held back by that sort of thing. We discuss “self care” like it’s some sort of pleasant five-minute break from reality, when it’s really just carving in the time to remain healthy. And it is not relaxing or pleasant (unless I missed something and double-checking prescriptions, doctor’s appointments, and undergoing various tests and exams got more glamorous). It’s the equivalent of vehicle repair, but far more aggravating.

WEIGHT: 211 lb. CONCENTRATION: Not too bad, but I’m not getting very much sleep (AUTHOR’S NOTE: I try to make sure I can get at least 10 hours of sleep a day, but I’m starting to worry that the Temodar diurnal schedule might become permanent, as I’m frequently waking up after only seven or eight hours and can’t get back to sleep)(I realize that sounds weird and elitist, but at this same time after surgeries #1 and #2, I was sleeping - not in bed, sleeping - 12-14 hours a day, which is kind of important for recovering from a severely invasive procedure) APPETITE: Well, it would be better if I wasn’t forcing myself to eat things I hate until I hate myself. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Surprisingly good. Even with a building sleep-debt, I’m up and alert for all important tasks.. SLEEP QUALITY: Lousy. I never thought I’d say this, but I almost miss the weird experimental serum nightmares/hallucinations, because that at least helps create the illusion of time passing; now, I close my eyes at 10:30 and open them at 7:00. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Fantastic, if you goose my adrenals first. I made from the ground floor table to my prescription box upstairs in 1.7 seconds (it feels like it, anyway)(also, when I do develop superpowers and conquer the planet, the nitwit who thought it was a good goddamn idea to put a 3-second menu pause/replay on an automated line catering to sick people will be fed to rabid badgers). The downside is, after that impressive display, my left leg was wonky for the rest of the day. MEMORY: Pretty good overall, although I’m still hazy about recalling exactly when a memory happened. Still, important stuff - like the property manager’s labradoodle’s name - remain quite intact. PHYSICAL: I’m tired. So tired. Still, it’s a step up from exhausted. EMOTIONAL: Still very, very much upset and frightened by ongoing smitings, but I’m also going in for another MRI tomorrow before getting cleared for the next cycle, which is always nerve-wracking. Sense of sarcasm is still intact, though, so, as Radiation Oncologist might say, I’m doing well. SIDE EFFECTS: none other than those listed above.

So, assuming all goes according according to plan, I will get another MRI, neurological test, and blood test to clear me for the next cycle, and I get a week off, which I plan to spend hibernating. Then, back to the grind. Oh, and if anyone reading this notes a certain “Flowers for Algernon” aspect to typos or half-thoughts, I’d like to point that I’ve been awake for 13 hours (I like to think I’m helping science in a small way by being a unique and uniquely qualified/cooperative lab rat/specimen, but I also might unintentionally conclusively establish a link between coffee and cancer)).