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nmakii · 2 months

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DOMESTIC LIFE WAS NEVER QUITE MY STYLE…

— married life with alastor back in 1925, louisiana

— is this ooc :(? ive been in a ooc rut ever since school ended i miss my pookies n like i cried so much that day 😔 BTW THIS IS THE FIC I HSED THE ALASTOR AI TEXTS :>

lord above! you have to be some kind of gem to secure a man such as alastor. to be that woman, it’s almost certain that you’re someone who understands alastor in ways no one else has.

he doesn’t tend to express his affections physically, but more than makes up for it through his sweet nothings and lavish gifts

he’s most definitely the type to spoil his wife, but only if you ask him for it yourself. he doesn’t want to buy things you have no use for

has a trust fund in his will set for you if, god forbid, he died before you. he doesnt want his love to worry about money, just let him take care of it.

unlike many households at the time, alastor would help with the chores. despite his full-time job, he’d sorta understand that taking care of a house is a full-time job in itself since he’d spent his childhood watching how hard his mother works so, he agrees to always split chores with you.

because of his work, and his popularity, his boss asks that he comes in early to host the morning segment of the show. because of this, it’s not often that you two share a morning together. but, he still remembers to kiss your pretty head good morning, occasionally adding a request for dinner

his mother is MORE than happy to welcome you into the family. she’s just glad that her son found someone that makes him happy.

honestly on the fence about kids. on one hand, it’d make his mother really happy, as well as how it’s expected at the time period. but, he isn’t too interested in physically showing his desires. and, he is quite busy as well with his job and the whole murdering thing. it’s only if you ask him explicitly that he’d decide to look into it, maybe adoption? :>

quite good at putting your insecurities at ease. sweet nothings for days on end can come out of his mouth and he’s still not done.

as you sob into alastor’s chest, his arms wrap around your body warmly as he plays with your hair. "whenever you’re ready to talk, my love.” he held you close, wiping your tears until you were ready to talk.

alastor listened silently as you told him of all your doubts; that you weren’t a good wife, the whispers of every woman in town, everything. “my love, i’ll love you no matter what. it’s the woman inside that i am in love with.” he says as he brushes the hair out of your face, gazing down at you lovingly. “i won’t lie, there are times when you are… feisty. but, it’s your passion and intelligence that always bring me back to you.”

your lips quiver as you try to quell your tears. “can… can you swear that? that you’ll love me no matter what..?” his gaze became gentle as he saw the genuine doubt in your expression. “you have my word, dear. no matter what happens, i’d never stop loving you. even if we fought everyday, i would still be a fool for you. because, well… i suppose the heart wants what the heart wants. and, it is you that my heart yearns for, love.” alastor assured you, his eyes falling as he spoke.

as the sweet nothings fell from his lips, your tears ceased, finding the warmth in his touch. “thank you, dear… you always know how to make me feel better, i love you so much…” you sighed, curling into his touch. “mmh, i love you as well, my pretty girl.” he grinned, kissing your forehead.

as stated above, alastor is not particularly attracted to your looks, but moreso your intelligence and your ability to see right through that charming facade of his. funnily enough, it started a healthy relationship for one of the most deranged men out there.

he’d also be quite attracted to you if you joined him one night. nothing’s more attractive than your beautiful wife in a pretty dress he bought for you all bloodied up with a knife in your hand.

he loves to show you off to the newspapers as his pretty doll, not only because you’re quite the eye candy, but to also make you confident in yourself

he’d still get jealous whenever he’d catch someone staring too long though. ironically enough, he thinks it’s adorable when you get jealous and pout your face. he’s your’s after all, body and soul! why fuss over something that’s not gonna happen?

arguments are quite rare since alastor doesn’t tend to do things that are argument worthy. one of the few reasons you tend to argue is when alastor heads to the club after work and comes home drunk and much later than he intended to. and, after all that, he still apologizes for coming home late, probably tries to come home early so he can cook dinner the next day as an apology :>

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #alastor #alastor x reader #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #hasbin alastor #alastor hazbin x reader #alastor hc #alastor headcanons #alastor the radio demon #human alastor

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yaeran · 2 years

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OH MY OSRRY I DIDNT PUT CHARACTERS ON MY RQST😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 (a cute scenario where a fem drunk s/o compliments the character so so much and just realized how much their actions or even small tiny lil action they do,and their attractive appearance impacts their s/o) ft. kakucho, shinichiro, rindo, smileyy, and taiju♡ sorry againnn😭😭🙏🏼

from aya: this is probably my most unique request HAHHA. (I LOVE IT!!) tysm for requesting i hope this satisfies you!! (also i’m so sorry this took so long ive been going out and shit it wasn't very cool!!)

warnings: mildly suggestive.

smiley would take all the compliments he can but it hits different when it comes from you so when you start getting a bit tipsy, he wouldn’t admit it but it gets him a bit nervous.

“naho-chan is really the hottest person ever!” you aggressively wiped your saliva and spoke to whoever was next to you. the person next to you was smiley- ”is that so?” he asked while tilting his head.

“absolutely! he should ask me to marry him,” you started rubbing your face on his as a way of pouting and that’s when it hit him. you peeked up to see his face and it was painted red. your laughs only made him more bashful. you always wondered how he'd respond but before you could add on he held you from your neck as he made you drink cold water, "sure, one day but sober up first bride."

kakucho, especially past kakucho seems like someone who can’t handle compliments. he likes them but it also gets him extremely shy. however current him could def handle them. to an extent.

"i love youuu kakucho! like really," your arms flailed all over his body and he just sat there, still as stone. sure you were shit-faced but you were sober enough to comprehend his internal feelings. "ahh, have you gotten shy?" you teased as you ran your fingers along his chest.

he swiftly grabbed your hand and pulled you in for a hug, "don't play with me like that please."

you couldn't handle his cute/soft side, "at least tell me you love me back," you grabbed his face and kissed him. then proceeded to tease him for the rest of the night.

shinichiro loves your physical touch, it boosts his ego but the way you are when you’re tipsy is just not something he's programmed to handle.

shinichiro told you to drink as much as you like since he won't be drinking at all. mainly cause he has shit tolerance he probably can't even handle one shot. you took advantage of the fact that he'll be driving. but anyways now you're dancing on the dancefloor. you were still pretty sober but you were just letting loose. you took his hands and intertwined them with yours and for some reason, that's what got him. the simple handhold. it was as if you didn't make out a million times before. he covered his face while still holding your hand and gently placed a kiss on them.

you chuckled at his timid self and pulled him in for a kiss. that kiss topped it off, if he wasn't used to your little surprises he would've fainted. nevertheless, he still got shy and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

rindou def loves pretty girls. so this night where the two of you were just out of it he found so many new things he loves about you. from the way you were always checking on him even though you were drunk as well to the way he could just be himself and dance with you like no one was watching.

your arms were wrapped around his neck and you were just swaying slowly to a damn trap song. he had never stared at you for so long until today. your eyelashes added so much to your appearance, your smile was so addictive and he just sunk in. a kiss so tender and passionate, he was embarrassed, "sorry- that was out of nowhere," he his forehead on yours and laughed. you quickly went in for another kiss, " don't start getting nervous around me rinnie."

rindou felt his face getting warm and he was getting shaky, he had always been the so-called 'cool guy' until this point. you had him wrapped around your finger.

taiju loves it when you're talkative like that. that's all. however when you pulled out the physical touch, that was a different story.

the moment you start getting tipsy that's when the show starts for him. he's pretty much unphased by whatever you have to say but you seemed to be more touchy than usual.

the way you so casually sat on his lap, he liked the way you were but he was feeling quite tense. perhaps it's on the way you were drunken and your confidence level was at an all-time high but your actions were too much for him to comprehend. you noticed taiju getting quiet and it wasn't normal-- suddenly it hit you why he was acting like that. as a response you just exaggerated your moves even more with kisses and it was almost as if your hands have explored every part of his body. the way his face was getting visibly red was amusing to you to say the least. you accidentally let out a giggle and he tackled you down, "never tease me like that."

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creepling · 6 months

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i’ve had to have some time to think about this because it’s new johnny lore, whether confirmed yet or not im not too sure. haven’t been able to get to the bones of it bc of the nancy gameplay. and it is also something out my comfort zone, but i do have thoughts. ive wrote this more as headcanon, keeping to exploring the fiction so don’t take it as my personal view. i know it’s opened a can of worms in the fandom, but this is me trying to make sense of it through writing.

tags: necrophilia, death, corpses, derranged johnny shenanigans.

many serial killers have confessed to dappling in necrophilia. it’s hard not to when they are toying with death through attraction. if they target victims they also have a sexual attraction to, and they also want to committ murder, there is then a psychological nuance to how they view that person (that they already see as less than human). they will revisit the murder scene, sometimes even dig up the body. they don’t even have to physically committ necro, but the obsession is still there.

in the case of johnny, it is not too far fetched to assume he has been in situations that can have this psychological change in him becoming a necro. how far he goes with it is what is left to the imagination. someone with a philia does not have to do the physical act for it to count, just the obsession mentally accuring is enough. when it comes to necro, the obsession relies on the intrigue of bodily autonomy, to strip it completely through death. his victims have a habit of escaping him, and he is despised by family members because of this. his drive for the hunt is not only to fufill his killer instinct, but also to assure that no one will escape. he views death as a trap, an everlasting bound on their body, mind and soul. his emotions are numb to the point he doesn’t even view it as killing them. he already sees them as an object - as a canvas of flesh - and in death it makes no difference. or, he has the delusion of still seeing light in their eyes; they can speak, but choose not to. in any of these readings, he fulfills his need for control. the body is now obediant, and he doesn’t need to bare anymore shameful scars.

since i’m not a necro (thank god) i assume the obsession is kin to looking at a statue. one of those greek ones where you admire the curves and angles of the body, awing at the creation. its stillness captivating since it’s so life-like, your mind scans for a jolt or twitch. you start to imagine how they would speak, move, show emotion. the person is immortalised to be admired and have them in memory. maybe johnny views his perservation of the bodies like a work of art, they are his muses. when they’re still and unmoving, he can make them who he wants them to be. he can have his derranged thoughts contained in his head, looking at the body on the meat hook, the same way the average person looks at a statue in a museum. maybe that’s all he does, just stares, a scenario in his head, held back by a force that he cannot identify. it’s the first time he’s ever questioned something about his character; and it scares him. that voice in his head, “you sure you wanna do that?” has never tried to stop him before, so why now? is it because drayton doesn’t take kindly to him ‘playing with his food’, is it drayton’s voice? no, he’d be more harsher than that. is it his mum? can’t be, she’s never stopped him before. then who is it? to the average person, that is what you call a conscious. to johnny, it’s an unwelcomed guest, another voice to nag at him. he’s bulldozed his way through life, eating and grabbing anything he desires, and now he’s come to a hault. he thinks the voice is challenging him, and he never backs out of anything. but for the first time in his life, he’s thinking about it. not because he’s questioning the morals, but to see how it will benefit him. and when he looks at maria’s body, hanging on the meathook, and could have sworn he seen her blink. even in death, she is defiant. now, he has to take back control.

#johnny slaughter #johnny sawyer #headcanons #tcm game #texas chainsaw massacre

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madstronaut · 3 months

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baby's first konig longfic

(masterlist of my FaFiCoWriMo rambles at the Fuck It We Ball link below! looking forward to seeing this become a long untameable monstrous ouroboros of a list)

omg t h i s f i c. IT BARELY HAS ANY SMUT IN IT till the end and it is one of the hottest konig fics ive ever read (and honestly I think he takes home the trophy for man most thirsted over in COD fandom, sorry ghost but you’re all winners in my panties i mean heart I SAID HEART)

Reading: Cat/Mouse/Den by @papaver-decervicatus

idk wot it is - the tenderness and purity of their first few interactions? the forbiddenness of stumbling upon a private radio channel when they’re technically Not On The Same Side? the little GIFTS they give each other? How he can always find her despite her literally being a topranked sniper? the way their physical meet-cute is him literally catching her in his arms?! the knowledge maus can snipe him at any moment and yet konig willingly stepping into her crosshairs? LLBLBLLLBLGLGB

That last “She’s pretty” comment for me was the emotional equivalent of stabbing me in the heart with a roughshod serrated knife in how cute it was (btw let me warn you if you haven’t already gotten the memo folx my whole brand is being aggressively encouraging and excited over fanfic and writers in an increasingly unhinged yet polite manner<3)

in true konig fashion i love how excited he is that maus might be the literal death of him and that he would die happy if she was the one to snipe him lmao

also can anyone else relate to doing a private eye style deepdive into facebook archives stalking and searching for info about your crush and memorizing it like konig did here for mausy lmao

"It’s pathetic, the only place he feels any sort of peace is at war."

chef’s kiss, love this line. brief, but tells you so much about konig’s headspace

“A younger part of him is jealous. The older part smothers that part down as he takes in the view.”

I love this line!!! ive wondered sometimes about the science and why of attraction and maus basically living konig’s dream i feel must play a big part of why they’re so drawn to each other...and ofc no explanation needed for why she is attracted to konig because everyone is, undisputed law of nature, go look it up on wikipedia and jstor, thank you no questions at this moment

“There’s a creek at the bottom, and interesting flora marks the cliffs all the way down. He wonders what wildlife drinks from the stream down there and if there are any decent caves he could find an opening to.”

have u ever thought about what you or someone else might have been in another life, in alternate timeline? I can see biologist konig fitting in quite well in civilian life <;3 LEMME DAYDREAM ABOUT ALL MY SOLDIER BOYS SAFELY RETURNING HOME FAR FROM OR NEVER HAVING TO ENDURE THE FOG AND TERROR AND HORROR OF WAR OKAY

“The exposed rock of the ravine flames to life with amazing browns and reds, and the stone sparkles like rubies and tiger’s eye stones as the sun's rays catch it.”

also sidenote the way the scenery is described here would make me want to go take a photo and download it and save it as my wallpaper; so descriptive and lovely i could see everything so clearly <3

“The sun is setting behind her. She’s very far away, but his skin prickles to life knowing that he’s being watched.”

I also love this usual role reversal of maus being the predator watching her prey (though is he arguably her prey if he wants to be caught? lol anyway putting aside the essay on existential questions in fanfic-)

It’s a beautiful place, really. It’s not such a bad place to die, he thinks. She’s a good shot. She’ll do it quickly. Nothing to fret about,really. It’s his own fault, anyways.

I am obsessed with their chemistry but most of all something about this powerful man fully placing his life in her hands just does it for me

“I’ll bite, soldier.” She says, hurriedly, like someone might walk in on their little game. Like the teacher is about to find the two kissing in a supply closet at the school.

*me reading this line, giggling madly*

He sits down on the ground and opens his legs as wide as they’ll comfortably go and rests his cheek in his hand propped on his thigh. If he’s going to die, he’s going to give her a pretty show.

me: okay slut

also me: ✨o k a y slut✨

I also love how he’s imagining what she would be doing/how she’s reacting all based off what I assume is the equivalent of a shitty driver’s license photo he saw of her 🥰

i also feel like getting warning shots as foreplay IS so konig-coded (yes im fully aware as i type this that this man has so much fanlore, fan hcs, fanfic, faneverything out there despite not even being in the storyline of the main campaign lmao)

I also love the flip to maus’ POV - though when she notes how outrageous it is for him to keep his shiny knife on him i bet you my future firstborn that it’s to get her attention <3

also <3 sniper candy <3

also we love a girlboss who asks >100x to shoot him on sight lmao

It’s been months since the ravine and she’s seen him just about everywhere she’s been. When SpecGru was gathering intel on KorTacs drug affiliations, she saw him in the haunted deserts of Sonora, Mexico where she lies in the dirt redder than blood and coyotes sing her to sleep. She gazes down at him atop crumbling 16th-century Byzantine marble when she picks off the guards of a weapons supplier in Belgrade, Serbia. In the ancient and verdant bamboo forest of Yibin, China, hunting down spy affiliations, she camps across a creek from him for a night.

“we’ve got to stop meeting like this!” - konig, probably

He would’ve been a good sniper, in another life. If he wasn’t built like the trees she climbs for her shots.

mausy your crush is showing 🤭

He walks like a monster with three legs (and at some point about three months into their little game, she touches herself thinking about that third leg.

i mean honestly? give maus a medal for holding out for three months before succumbing, damn

The secret stays between them and their radios become the divining rods of close encounters.

secret forbidden relationship is one of my fave tropes <3

Mostly it’s just breathing on each line, mostly it’s just-

“König?”

“Maus?”

“Mhm.”

“Hmm.”

honestly this sounds more intimate than sex

She knows she should get a shrink or a good fuck to stop fucking thinking about him like this, but sometimes he whispers a joke into his radio and she laughs, and sometimes she tells him about the book she’s been reading, and sometimes he shows her his favorite knife tricks, and sometimes she tells him stories of before she was in the military and he always laughs and asks questions to show he’s actually engaged and he cares and-

this is so domestic and cute for warzone flirting <3

When they’re alone he’s the perfect gentleman, he gets no closer than when she reaches out to contact him first. When they’re not, it's a whole different story. He runs into the middle field like if he can just reach her, he can keep her. If he can carry back his conquest, well… kings get their war spoils, don’t they? It’s a terrible secret she keeps alive only in her heart, but she hopes one day he finally will.

mausy gettin bingo on all our fave kinks today, apparently

maus picking up on his knife skills and noticing his anxiety via the shaking hands (and that they don’t shake at all around her) is just peak PEAK PEAK PEAK fanfic vibes. feeling safe around someone is one of the biggest green flags in the universe and a gift <3

It’s a shame, but she’s a little happy that it’ll be König, her cat, that’ll catch her corpse.

honestly these two were made for each other lmao

ok THE SCENE WHERE THE FIRST TIME THEY REALLY, REALLY MEET? HE KILLS FOR HER? LITERALLY PUTS HIS ARMS OUT FOR HER TO CATCH HER FALL?

And the first thing he says is a promise. A promise of help. A promise of aid.

I was like speechless with joy and giddiness for a good minute or two reading this whole scene lmao SO SATISFYING esp with konig’s lil gasp when she falls into his arms <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 UGH PLS PAPS CAN I GIVE YOU A MEDAL??? A HUG??? A KISS???? MY UNDYING LOVE AND DEVOTION??? well in lieu of all this I’ll just give your fic multiple visits and so much rambling <3

also their first meetcute THEY EXCHANGE GIFTS????? HOW FUCKING CUTE ARE THEY GOD

He has created, against all odds, something beautiful and delicate out of a brutal tool and doomed material.

so this absolutely stunning construction of a sentence pretty much sums up why I love COD fandom/fanfic writers so much..

I forget where I read this somewhere on this hellsite but it went something like “it’s subversive to write these men made to die/made for war, made to be loved instead” and reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that I stumbled on a random reddit Q&A

“I get discouraged sometimes - just like everyone. I question whether my music/life/work matters at all.

The danger is letting other people define your soul's worth. Sometimes folks will like what you do, other times they'll hate it.

But I continually remind myself that I do NOT matter as a result of what I do, I matter because of who I AM. I am not a "human doing" but a "human being. " I matter simply because I was made in the image of the unmade maker, and I am loved by Love.”

“I am not a human doing, but a human being”

“I am made in the image of love, and I am loved by Love”

“we are, against all odds, something beautiful and delicate, created out of brutal tool and doomed material”

these words touch such a deep and core and unspeakably true part of me - that i forget often, that i find hard to believe, that i struggle to remember and cling to - and tbh one of the most frequent places I find this much-needed encouragement is in FANFICTION! <3

fanfic writers you are truly some of the most beautiful people on this planet <3

anyway yeah, fanfic as therapy is a helluva drug and so fucking real

if I could give all my beloved writers a diploma i would pay a calligrapher to write this gold leaf ink or some shit and put on my best lipstick and smooch it all over and print it out on vellum for you all <3

ANYWAY WHERE TF WAS I- o yes, simping over both maus and konig

When he turns to go she thinks how much his hands must’ve hurt to make this little thing

this is so real; everytime I try my hand at sewing/mending (and i got tiny hands yall) for an extended period of time my fingers always end up so crampy in a uniquely painful way

i also get big “gift of the magi by o. henry” (truly one of my favorite short stories of all time) vibes from this exchange <3

(tl;dr: here, my heart, let me cut out and gift you my heart - oshit what’s that? your heart? *scrambles to catch and not break it*)

cos honestly on one level how fucking hilarious that they basically exchange a piece of wood and a rock lmao but really THEY ARE GIVING SOMETHING SO SPECIAL TO EACH OTHER <333333

The next time she sees him, about a week later, she sees him sharpening his massive field knife with the tiny whetstone on his comically large thigh, and in response, she thumbs at the wooden effigy in her pocket. They laughed into their radios to each other.

ok how fucking hilarious and sexy that they are basically watching each other finger each other…..s' gifts

the final dialogue in chapter two needs to be in the merriam-webster dictionary under “flirting 101: peak examples”

but also omg THE EXTRA LITTLE GIFTS SHE LEAVES BEHIND FOR KONIG? HER FLINTING A HEART AND HIM SHATTERING IT IMMEDIATELY IN HIS GIANT-ASS SEXY ASS HANDS AND LEAVING HIMSELF BLEEDING AS PENANCE????? HIM IMAGINING COOKING FOR HER AND READING ALL TEH BOOKS SHE RECS HIM??? Honestly him musing about actually fucking her at the end is the LEAST sexy part of all this and the line about him aching to make her mewl did…things to me

if I could distill the maus x konig energy here into an drink, I think I could run up everest naked without breakin a sweat

The man is quick, but König is quicker, taking off through the snow like he did as a child. Running with reckless abandon, long legs carrying him faster and further than anyone else when he and his cousins would play capture the flag at his Oma’s house in Gauso.

i love papa’s (really need to find a better nickname for writer while I write this lol) way of capturing like…the sense of child-like wonder/safety and domesticity you return to when you are in love/find yourself in the presence (physical or not) of someone you love in her writing, also why i really love this fic so much

Slicing that man clean between his ribs like a lion strikes a lamb was the second most satisfying experience of his life, greatly eclipsed by the settling of her weight against his chest when she trusted him enough to jump into his arms.

*chanting to summon my talented fellow konig simps to draw fanart of this scene*

“You big, everywhere? I mean, with hips like those… ”

“...” Fuck, bad time to get a boner.

SIR.

hast thou not heard the term “video killed the radio star”???? you’re alone and miles away only talking via radiowaves, LITERALLY THE BEST TIME TO GET A BONER???? smh unless ofc the best time for konig is when he’s with maus <3

“…he’d been chasing a little prayer in her shape. He wouldn’t have considered it ‘done’ when he gave it to her but-

Her warmth was still in his fingers, her beautiful eyes trained on him, her fantastic form somehow devoid of his blood or his filth in his rescue attempt, well. He had been praying, hadn’t he? It’s only right to pay tithing to the thing you worship. He gave her the figure, and he did so with the only real regret being that he couldn’t give her more and that he almost sullied her perfection with his violence.

also men near-worshipping the women they simp for is also a huge kink of mine (i mean whose isn’t it? also i hurt my brain trying to discern if that last sentence i wrote made sense but college was a long tiem ago for me soooo)

And to top it all off, when he wrenched himself away from her, heart heavy and entirely certain that she would never, could never, follow- she called him back and reciprocated.

can confirm, reciprocated feelings is an indescribable feeling, war on drugs would’ve been game over day 1 if it was fought with requited feelings

When he turns away it is because his brain cannot comprehend a world in which she walks away with him.

well, snipe me right in the heart why dont you papi! (again, still need to find a different nickname for writer)

And in fairness, he would rather die than admit his treachery, not out of any misplaced moral but instead out of precaution for her safety.

honestly, husband goals

konig’s dream is p e r f e c t i o n “I love and trust you and feel safe enough to put my life into your thighshands, even if that means you’ll take it”

“Like dovetail joints, a great carpenter must have made them to fit together. There must be a God, and he must have made her to perfectly fit beside (and dare he hope, inside?) her.

The only thing older than war to mankind is intimacy. You need soldiers for war, you need men for soldiers, and you need love to make those men. “

“He is remembering how to be human, to be a man and not a soldier, and he smiles back into her mouth.”

“She is giving him total control. Complete power and without hesitation. In her teary eyes, he sees a soldier’s trust, firm and unwavering. Ever faithful. Unquestioningly and genuinely she believes the man she’s at the mercy of will make her need no mercy. “

once again paps (yes yes need new nickname for writer, stfu mads) just dropping literary masterpieces casually

“König,” her eyes glaze over with worry. It’s a dangerous game they’re playing and they both know it. “Are you sure you want me?” She whispers, lips meeting the shell of his ear, he feels her fever pitch skin even through the fabric of his mask. His heart aches and he’s so angry with himself that she could even ask that. As if there were ever any questions. As if he has ever wanted anything else in his life like he wants this. As if there is anything else to want. As if there is anything else.

Truly every beloved’s hopeful query and every lover’s debt to happily answer <3

When he wakes up in his cold barracks, decidedly alone and not in between her thighs, he pounds the bed in frustration.ly ok the mood whiplash when i laughed out loud at konig pounding bed with his fists cos hes grumpy and horny

Not so dissimilar to the bride-stealing traditions his Oma had told him about as a boy.

damn oma what stories you be tellin to children lmao

though I AM recalling a medicinal anthropology class I took in college that was absolutely fascinating - we did touch on bride-napping as an actual thing in hmong culture (though from what I learned it has less IRL dubcon and more elopement vibes)

The fantasy of her is potent and life-consuming, but he is also viscerally aware that it is just that. A fantasy.

konig, thinking this, as he lives out most of his actual fantasies lmao

It is not real and despite his choking desire to be with her, he is not entirely sure she wants him.

ah yes, ‘idiots in love,’ an absolute banger of a trope

He wants so desperately to just be a fucking person for her. A person allowed weakness, a person allowed good-morning kisses, a person allowed terrible flirting, a person allowed to sit in the same room, a person allowed to touch and savor and make better another human. Allowed to heal, not harm. Allowed to save, not slaughter.

But he is a soldier, he’s not a person, and he’s not sure he ever really was a person in the first place.

The only thing he wants more than to have her is for her to want him. That hope is a delusion deeper than the ravine they met at, he’s sure.

🥹🥹🥹🥹

yep just uh nothing happening over here, not crying over fanfic what -how dare you insinuate-

He feels no shame when he wraps his arms around the bunched comforter on his chest, imagining it’s a slight body he faithfully cradles.

*tripping, stumbling, running to pay for a custom body pillow big enough for konig to hug for his comfort* (not for me, would be too big anyways)😉😏

no literally ive thought about it i might have to do olympic-level qualifying gymnastics stretching to fit someone of his stature anyway it’s not like i made to-scale stick figure models doodled out on post-its in various creative positions to work out the physics of it or anything cough

If she knew how obsessed he’s become that he cannot help himself from having dreams about her and cannot help himself from getting off to the idea that she killed him with her fucking thighs

sir.

please.

i am ready to beat off the hordes of other women with a sharpened stick who would find this hot and respectful af

also obsessed with this soap who chews on pencaps and macguyvers radios to look like they’re fucking (or maus just has her head in the gutter, but really girl whose isnt??? and someone really needs to tell me if this is wrong grammatically every time i type it it sounds right)

also as a certified soap simp i also just have to say, you know you’ve got it bad when you look deep into soap’s eyes… and fantasize about another man LMAO

“No thanks,” she purrs as she finally sets herself into position.

i like this subtle nod to konig after she re-tells her katze’s joke <3 ooooo reading papaver’s writing is like eating a three-course meal at your fave comfort diner<3

The early morning light hits the streets the same way it had hit the forest ground that day.

i also love this line <3 i can picture those blue-orange sunrise hours in my head and it’s so lovely because the scene is also tinged with all the complex emotions from their first meeting

He throws it up and catches it without looking at it, instead his eyes are laser-focused on Mouse.

hothothothothothothothot (i realize just typing out hot over and over again leads you to also read thot, but honestly, still tracks)

She remembers her trigger finger twitching with sinful power, she remembers choking back the insistence at killing another lonely person, devoid of their autonomy on a basic level when they signed up for a mercenary-issued ticket to hell.

this line…is too real

“Because they are weapons of maus-destruction. ” Konig replies like it’s not the stupidest thing she’s ever heard in her goddamn life.

somewhere simon ghost riley has to suppress the urge to put down his rifle, stand up, and do a slow golf clap

Suddenly, his eyes look lived in, like someone has just put up new curtains in an abandoned house. His whole affect changes hinging on what was an irresponsible outburst on her behalf at best.

And for the first time, she does not fear a monster hunting her through the woods, silent and purposeful in his pursuit of prey. Instead, she wants to understand a man, whose eyes have lit up like a princess has just laughed when he kissed her hand.)

*i am suppressing the feminine urge to print out paper doll cutouts of maus and konig and just hang them around random parts of my apartment making heart eyes at each other*

Maybe, it's dangerous, to wave a steak in front of a mountain lion, but what if she wants to get mauled?

these two, a match made in heaven. truly there’s someone for everyone~

also i love this COD book club that is happening; i also have a semi-regular work meeting where I hit the jackpot of getting the most chill but passionate cohorts and our goal is basically shooting the shit & talking about stuff we love and how to share it with the world like a workhours book club and I hope everyond gets to experience a little joy in the middle of 9-5 capitalist hell that is the workweek like this <3

Soap says, pulling out a well-worn copy of The Silence of the Lambs from the bag.

“He said he picked it up years ago in Polish thinking it was a cooking field guide.”

fucking dying

how she could rest entirely on top of his chest and not touch the ground beneath them and-

once again i fucking love their inadvertent mindreading/mirroring their shared desires unbeknownst to each other. MOVE THE FUCK ASIDE, JANE AUSTEN

also if gromsko gave me “special field medicine lessons” I would probably pay to continue them

also on this note MEN ARE SOME OF THE SNOOPIEST MOST GOSSIPY BITCHES IN THE UNIVERSE CAN I GET AN AMEN? CAN I GET A HELL YEAH? CAN I GET A WHOOP WHOO-

she basks infatuated by the calamitous captivation he exhibits.

*fanning myself with ripped out pages of shakespeare and hemingway to burn at papaver’s altar*

When he lifts his hood to blow a kiss to her, she knows she will never get her traitorous heart back.

sir??

excuse me sir????

i thought you were told you couldn’t be a sniper? what the fuck is this tender bullshit of a snipe straight to my heart-

also that last chappy YAY ENEMIES TO ALMOST-LOVERS TO ALMOST-ENEMIES, LITERALLY CANNOT FIND THIS TROPE ANYWHERE!!!!

He’s always hoped to be able to pound down into her quaking form.

the first time i read this i blacked out after seeing the phrase “pound down” and instead all i remember after slapping myself awake is actually reading the phrase “he’s always hoped to take her to pound town”

also why am i hot for righteous konig in shining armor being willing to go from zero to murder when he thinks maus is a pimp

and the INDIRECT KISSING VIA THE CIGGY? UNFFFFFHHH FUCKING KILL ME NOW SO I CAN DIE HAPPY (yes i am so easily pleased, sue me)

also i shrieked when maus kicks her crotch up WITHIN SPITTING/BITING DISTANCE OF KONIG PLEASE I WOULD PAY TO WATCH THIS FEATURE LENGTH FILM????

The throbbing in his pants also suggests that he’s probably forgiven her by now as well.

*nodding sagely* yes, boners never lie

also maus slapping konig while he’s holding a knife between his teeth is big step on me queen energy

also the requital and reciprocation of the lines and actions they feed each other is just- one moment: *goes to sephora to buy more lipgloss as i ran out while giving chef’s kisses in bulk to papaver*

i love that konig is passing the time just being horny for maus, an efficient king 🫡

also when i saw gosau austria mentioned i went down a hole googling where it is/pictures and it is absolutely beautiful!!!!

I eagerly await updates papi <3

#madstrothought #FaFiCoWriMo #fanfiction #call of duty #Cat/Mouse/Den #papaver-decervicatus #König #i accidentally wrote decervixatus when i first typed this and laughed so hard im sorry papi

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i-willstealyourtoes · 10 months

Note

hiya! may i request a tf2 matchup? :)

im 19, AFAB, my gender is unlabeled as of now, i go by any pronouns but im very fem leaning, bisexual, aquarius, INFP, 5’8, chubby/curvy, brown eyes, armpit-length black layered wolfcut with bangs. i don’t really know what the style is called but i dress like the girls from fatal frame, wear black rectangle glasses, and tend to wear heavy eyeliner, making me seem intimidating to some but i swear im nice once u come up to me LOL

i love art, music, all sorts of wildlife, fashion, and im sort of a scifi buff,, i can listen to practically anything except modern day rap. i often listen to early 2000s and 1960s-90s music, whether its rap, pop, funk, country, rock, indie….

for religion i’d consider myself an agnostic, im heavily against abrahamic religions, i wont judge for what you believe but they just don’t sit right with me.

id call myself an ambivert, it kind of just depends on the people im with and the vibes i get from them. i get incredibly jealous, either keep things bottled up until i can’t take it anymore, or i come to you to talk about my feelings. it takes some time for me to trust and get close to people, and if i feel like i can’t see you in my future then i won’t even bother. my love language is gift-giving, acts of service, and physical affection. i probably have some sort of personality disorder, but ive never been able to go get a diagnosis lol

Ok ok this is my first match-up omg pls bare with me-

You matched with: Sniper !!

I just think you two would just...get each other???

When he saw what you looked like, he probably thought you looked really cool

Brown eyes and black wolf-cut??? I think he would immediately be attracted

I think he likes brown eyes and black hair, and a wolf-cut too???

He thinks wolf-cuts are really neat okay

Once you guys are together, he would just love to stare into your eyes (if you tease him about it he will fall apart fr)

Oh and if you let him run his fingers through your hair???? Any stress of his is just gone

He's one of those people that he enjoys just being with you and you don't even have to talk

The concept of him just sitting down on the bed, watching you do your hair or makeup in comfortable silence???

It's enough to make him propose fr (/hj)

Obviously he wouldn't be fall in-love/be romantically attracted instantly, but your appearance would definitely get his attention

Like, he's never really seen someone with your style of makeup or outfit?

He's quite intrigued

Like, do you wear this all the time? That looks like a lot of effort

Well, compared to this man's routine, basically anything is a lot of effort

Once he starts crushing on you, he'll probably go shopping and see a nice accessory and go "Hey, I think that'd match them....right????"

He might get it for you, but he'll be very casual and just place it beside you or put it on your bedroom table

"Oh, uh.....I just thought....it'd look good...is it okay..?"

After you two get together, he would probably buy you clothes or something

He doesn't really think people look intimidating unless they're very tall and violent, but he kind of can see why you would look like that to some

He doesn't think you're scary or anything, although he might avoid talking (in the start) because that's just how he is anyway

You would probably have to talk to him a bunch before he initiates conversations himself

He's indifferent to music and art, but if you draw the stuff yourself, he'd be really impressed

I think he draws a tiny bit too, but usually it's just a bird he saw or maybe a pretty 5'8 person with brown eyes and a black wolf-cut that he totally isn't starting to like a lot-

If you ever saw a drawing of you by him, he will immediately avoid you for at least 3 days before you can even tell him it looks good-

If you draw him????? He will be very, very flustered about it

He's not very confident in his looks (he just thinks he looks average at best) so he'll be shocked you think he looks that cool

"You..you sure this is me? Haha, I....Thanks..."

(He is trying hard not to explode rn /pos)

He will keep it in his van forever

About music; if you guys are close enough, he might share some of his stuff too

"I don't really listen to music...but uh, here's something I don't mind..."

If you like it too, he will feel proud for some reason???

Once you tell him you like wildlife, he will instantly start to open up to you

If you guys are starting to get close, he'll invite you to go camping or something so you guys can see some animals !!

"Hey, do you wanna go see some deer with me? I know this best spots."

Even if you don't see any, you guys can just chat endlessly about it until you have to go/one of you falls asleep

Doesn't really like fashion or sci-fi that much????

He doesn't hate it, he's just indifferent

He does not put any effort into his appearance other than the occasional trim of hair-

If you want, once you guys are close enough, you can give him some clothing reccomendations!

He will probably not mind anything you give him, as long as it isn't too intense or out there

"Hey, this is actually....pretty good. Thanks, sheila."

He likes having you ramble about sci-fi or any of your interests, just as long as he can hear you speak

He would be listening as well, and he'd maybe also get some merch for you too

"Hey, you said you like this right...? Well, I...I got you something."

He'd enjoy watching your favourite sci-fi movies/shows and just asking you questions and stuff

He loves when you just light up whilst talking

His heart basically melts tbh-

He's not religious either, so he doesn't mind at all

He kinda relates with your view about god too

He quite likes the fact you're an ambivert, because it means not only can you relate to his introverted personality, but you can also help him socialise and stuff

He totally gets the whole being jealous thing though

Like, he'll get that feeling of anxiety too

He feels like you're just so...cool

So why are you with him??? He's just...there, you know?

So when he sees you talking to someone a lot or something, he'll feel worried that maybe he's not doing enough

He gets angry too sometimes, not at you, but at anyone that starts flirting

Depending on how far into the relationship you are, he'll either just stay silent and feel anxious, or he'll go up to you and threaten whoever you're with

"Hey, you better back off or I'm gonna rearrange your spine with this knife."

It's kind of difficult to be jealous of Sniper since he doesn't really socialise too much???

But if you do get jealous, just tell him and he'll stop immediately

He totally gets how you only really trust those who are super close to you

He's the exact same

He only really has a very small group of people he trusts, so he definitely gets the sentiment

He understands if it takes you a while to open up, he's patient so he doesn't mind waiting

He takes ages to open up too, so if you're patient too, then you'll be a great pair !!

He likes the way you think about the fact that if you can't see them in your future you won't bother

He doesn't like pointless and short-lived relationships either tbh-

I think one of his love languages is acts of service too, so I guess you guys are just going to constantly trade that between one another

He gives gifts sometimes too, but he will feel really shocked if you get him anything

"This....this is for me? I...thanks..."

He feels kind of guilty if it's anything that you've bought for him

He just thinks that he should be the only one buying things I guess?

It takes a while for him to get used to physical affection, both private and public

He was never one to hug or be hugged so all of it is kind of new to him tbh-

Just be patient, and eventually he'll cling to you in private

After a while, he gets used to PDA but nothing too intense, just holding hands or putting a hand around your waist or shoulder

Any kisses in public and he can't help but feel a little red in the face

He seems like he isn't very versed in mental health at all, so he doesn't know how to support you unless you tell him what you need

He's there for you no matter what, because he loves you and everything that makes you...you !!

Extra:

I think Scout would like your unique style, although he would make fun of you a little at first :/

He likes hearing you ramble, but will probably actually not listen and is only listening to your voice and looking at your face

He enjoys the physical affection, especially PDA, so that could work

You guys can have art sessions together, although he only does doodles mostly

Soldier would enjoy the fact you like wild-life, since maybe you would also like his raccoons?

He likes receiving any love from you

Gifts? Heck yeah! Physical affection? Absolutely! Acts of service! He would be so grateful!

Pyro loves any unique style at all, so he really likes yours!

The wolf-cut is so cool to them, catch them staring at you whilst you style it!

Would love to just hug you whilst you talk about whatever

Engie would love talking to you about Sci-fi, since he likes it too!

You guys would just be in his workshop, trading facts about your favourite characters and so on

He really likes your glasses, he thinks they suit you well

He also doesn't trust people unless they're very close to him, so he's patient with you and understands how you feel

Heavy understands the whole 'I know I look intimidating but I promise I'm okay' kind of vibe

He loves looking at any art you make, and while he doesn't do it himself, he definitely still understands and appreciates the effort you put into it

Also doesn't trust people easily, so he's fine being patient with you

Demo really likes your glasses too, he thinks they look cute

Kind of likes sci-fi now and then, so he likes watching it with you

He likes giving gifts too, so I think you guys would just be trading gifts at this point lol

Medic loves your glasses and haircut so much, it's just a style he really appreciates

Your clothing style is also really attractive to him too!

He likes sci-fi now and then like Demo, so he's happy to talk about it whilst you guys are doing whatever

Spy finds your style unique, and he likes unique people so he's immediately attracted in a way

He likes fashion too, so maybe you guys can go shopping sometime?

Gift giving??? Oh you guys are basically going to have a war of gifts fr bc he LOVES giving gifts lol

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astraltrickster · 11 months

Text

If I may get personal about stuff for a moment here for Pride Month - I've made a meme about this before, but I've gotta say, the ace and aro communities have honestly helped me understand myself and how my own brain works on a level that I don't think anyone else ever could.

I am neither ace nor aro, but I am autistic, and so, while I do experience attraction at a """"normal"""" frequency, maybe even on the high end of that, I...don't really feel it the same way most allistic allos do, and hey, turns out that's a whole mess of a thing! A whole mess of a thing that...has a lot of overlap with ace and aro experiences, it turns out!

See, I've been through a lot of sexuality labels, and I'm not really sure whether, in my case, I consider it more of a case of fluid identity or a process of self-discovery. I've considered myself a lesbian, bisexual, and yes ive even considered myself asexual, but they all eventually felt Off somehow; as of right now I consider myself gay but less in a strictly m4m way and more in a freak4weirdo way. I like guys who identify as bears before they identify as men. I like people who live comfortably on the ftm-butch-mtf-femboy-ftm cusp and have no intention of making it any simpler. Show me someone who looks like a cis woman and I'm not interested; tell me he's a guy and I'm immediately into it. I like men who only felt comfortable identifying as men after starting estrogen and loving it, and women who felt the same about testosterone. I like people who turn their drag name into their government name. I like people who have "basic" genders to tell normies and then break out the Good Gender, like the fine china, for people who actually get it. I like nonbinary intersex people who aggressively identify as cisgender in a world that refuses to let them and damned near only them do so. I like people whose genders can ONLY be accurately described with every reclaimed slur in the book and anything more "print-safe" is drag to them. If you're visibly doing something fucky with gender, I'm interested on sight; if it's less visible, I'm still just as attracted the moment I know it's there. The attraction I feel is immediate and intense-

But it's not physical in the way allo allistics describe it. As an autistic guy with interroception problems, I was just as shocked to find out how many expressions about the physicality of attraction were actual descriptions of actual things people feel and not just turns of phrase as most of my ace friends were. I've never felt actual warmth from looking at someone I find "hot", I've barely even noticed the physical sensation of arousal, I've just had the emotional drive of "oh. Oh how I hope you're down."

Ace spaces are also where I've gotten the most understanding of just how context-sensitive my attraction is. I've never had an ace person try to forcibly relabel me because my attraction instantly changes based on identity information even when I'm looking at the same photo. I've never had an ace adult nitpick me or question my motives for celebrating the specific way lesbians and gay men sometimes end up attracted to each other; for loving how that's not "an exception", but its own unique form of queer attraction. I've also never had an ace person suspect me of shady business for having overlap between kinks and "weird" things I just like as totally nonsexual sensory play. It's always been ace spaces where I've felt most able to express and understand such paradoxical feelings as, "you know what, I don't get it, but damn, I Get It." The details don't matter; the sentiment comes across.

And aromanticism? Look, I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the silly courtship rituals humans do. I'm a sucker for a good love story. I like physical affection. I like the emotional bonding experiences of everything from long walks on the beach and stargazing, to getting dressed up in the fanciest, most elaborate clothing we own to go watch and roast really bad movies. I am such a sucker for weddings from any culture that I joke that it's half the reason I'm polyam.

But also, what is a social cue? What separates a date from something you can do with "just" a friend? Where do those weird vaguely homoerotic teenage toxic girl friendships that wlw tumblr loves to talk about (and I certainly experienced my share of pre-transition) fall in this? I don't get the rules of this. I'm one of those autistic people who ended up developing a special interest in communication as compensation, yet no matter how much I learn, it never becomes intuitive. I can spot others' communication troubles from a mile away, but my own? Ha, good one! I'm still the most oblivious motherfucker I've ever met. Is this a date? Are you trying to become a partner? A FWB? Do we need to define this? Do we need to inform your partner(s)? Do you consider this theme park outing a date, or just a couple of friends hanging out together? What should I consider it? Emotionally, I struggle to define it, because these aren't boxes but spectra and I do not have the general emotional awareness to get a good grade in therapy most days no matter how much I sound like I do; on your own end please rank this experience from 1 to 10 where 1 is strictly platonic and 10 is you-are-planning-to-propose, return the form to my office and I'll get back to you within 2-3 business days--

My aro friends Get Me on this in a way that so many others - even many other autistic people - do not. It's deeply refreshing to meet whole communities of people who are often just as confused about this whole mess as me, not for the exact same reason, but for one adjacent to and frequently overlapping with it. It's great to know I share this experience with other people like me! Even more exciting to find out I share it with people who are, in a huge way, not like me at all! It's great to know that it transcends just one brand of human experience! It's great to understand and be understood across these differences, not in spite of them, but because of them!

What I'm saying is - this is my appreciation post for just how much we have in common. Shoutout to my ace and aro siblings for not only being awesome in your own right, but for making me feel Seen and Understood in a way I never thought I would - and reminder to everyone that queer identities have more similarities than differences, sometimes especially when they intersect with other factors, and it is only by appreciating those similarities relative to the differences that we'll ever reach a true understanding of each other and even ourselves. Respect your queer siblings, weirdos of the world unite, love and peace under the rainbow! 💖 🏳️‍🌈

#personal #pride month

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shoheiakagi · 10 months

Note

Hi, what's up?

So💝💖🌹🌺💌🥀for Dewa and Fujishima cause this two need some attention,please.

And thank you.

Hiii, i’m good! Hope youre doing well! And I wholeheartedly agree - these two need a lot more love. granted, ive had more asks for dewa than fuji for a lot of the ask games i reblogged, but i will never say no to more dewa content

Send me an emoji + a character!

💝 - What's their love language?

Dewa: acts of service and quality time. Dewa is a man of action and prefers to show his love by helping you create an effective budget plan, clean up the apartment before you get back from a long day of work, etc. He’s very serious about spending enough quality time with his partner; a nice little dinner where they talk about their day, watching a true crime documentary, and attending a local jazz concert. But sometimes its the more simple stuff where they’re both in the living room doing their own thing but comforted by each other’s presence

Fujishima: words of affirmation and acts of service. Fujishima is always supportive, encouraging his partner whenever they’re feeling upset or insecure. When his partner texts him about having a rough day at school/work, fuji calls them right away and spends at least 10-15 minutes on the phone with them, knowing the right things to say to cheer them up. He sometimes even picks up their favorite meal and pastry to brighten their day. Fuji is always looking for ways to help out his partner; whether its washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or picking up groceries when he notices theyre out of stock on certain items

💖 - What traits does your muse find physically attractive?

Dewa: he really likes well defined eyebrows; the type that are dark and thick, and you can tell that they’re maintained frequently (those monthly eyebrow waxing/threading sessions!). but he also finds necks very attractive, especially those that are long and slim. It serves as a great contrast to his calloused hands when he wraps them around the neck.

Fujishima: the first thing he notices about someone is their smile. he’s a sucker for gorgeous and vibrant smiles, especially paired with dimples??? our man is in love! fuji also likes a set of small, pouty lips bc theyre fun for kissing 😽

🌹 - If asked to define love what would your muse say?

Dewa: compatibility. The strongest and longest lasting relationships don’t just rely on love, but also on how compatible the people involved are

Fujishima: lifetime commitment. When you’re in love, you’re going to stick through all the bad times, along with the good times

🌺 - Would they be willing to change any part of them for a partner? If not how far would they be willing to go

Dewa: at first, he won’t be very receptive to any feedback that requires him to change. it will hurt his ego a bit and it’ll take him a while to come around. but after taking some time to think things through, he finally opens up to his partner and have a healthy discussion on what their relationship needs and what kind of compromises both parties will need to make so that the relationship lasts

Fujishima: i think it really depends on what he needs to be changed. I don’t think he will ever put an end to certain traits of his, liking rescuing stray and abandoned animals (and humans). But if it comes to concerns like him not receiving a formal education or getting a stable job, i think fuji might be more understanding and probably attend a trade school so that he can land a well paying job without having to go to college

💌 - How would they confess to their love interest? Would they wait on a confession?

Dewa: it takes a while for dewa to realize his feelings and that yes, this is the person he’s been waiting for. He plans an elaborate date, filled with a variety of flowers and accompanied by the most expensive wine he can afford (per kusanagi’s suggestion), to make his confession

Fujishima: Fuji is very perceptive of his emotions, so he’s casual and straight to the point once he realizes his feelings. Its probably when they’re having a little outing at the park, taking a stroll by the pond and feeding the nearby birds, when he casually tells the other person that he has strong feelings for them and would like to take their relationship to the next level. And he has his classic poker face on while making his confession, which makes it a little hard for the other person to understand if he was being serious or not

🥀 - Do they handle breakups well?

Dewa: Answered here

Fujishima: out of all of the younger guys of hmr, fuji is the most emotionally mature. Like for everyone else, breakups are painful and there will be a period of time where he’s hurt, angry, and too exhausted to do anything else. But he quickly puts his focus on other things, like volunteering in the local no-kill animal shelter, carrying out more hmr related missions or spending more time in the bar with the gang, check out a new rock band, practice martial arts, etc. Once he gets busy and focuses on something else, he is able to move on quicker than he expected

#thank you for the ask!!#fuji and dewa deserve more!!#and tbh im also guilty of that #esp with fuji cause i noticed that in some of my hc posts for all the abc boys #his paragraph would be shorter than the others #which makes me upset cause i really do adore fuji #but i’ll admit that i focus a bit more on shouhei and a couple of others #mark my words one day i’ll make a full indepth characterization post for fuji all alone!#dewa masaomi #fujishima kosuke #ask game

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bellocan · 5 months

Note

hiii 1, 9 and eleven for relationship asks!!

1. do you prefer pure, innocent romantic interactions or do you prefer obsession and possession? or maybe a mix of both as long as it's relatively healthy and consensual?

ive never really had anyone like me to the point of obsession and possession! but i think id like a mix of both. i like cute and romantic gestures like leaving little flirty love notes or getting flowers or being incorporated into their creative pieces in some manner. there was a girl in high school that liked me that would refuse to leave my side when i was being dumb and isolating myself in the cold. and she'd keep my hands warm with hers. and she'd share an earbud with me and let me listen along with her. i didnt appreciate it back then but it melts my heart reflecting now.

after. my last relationship though. i also want to have zero doubts about the long haul so a little healthy possessiveness would give me a little reassurance! i want to indubitably be someones partner... i like feeling like im theirs and theirs only.

9. what was your longest ever relationship? how and why did it end?

my longest relationship is my first and only. it was ldr and it lasted about 4 and a half years. and i was engaged to them actually. had a nice little intimate christmas proposal in private and everything where i started off with christmas presents and led up to the ring!

in her own words, before she ghosted me, the relationship ended because "nothing has changed between us." she didnt feel like either one of us were growing. despite her finally working and being able to support herself somewhat. and despite me giving all my effort to address our pain points. although a lot of her pain points were nebulous due to fact of them solely involving just how she felt... and of course no matter what a person does, the other will simply feel how they feel. i would assure her that meaningful growth takes time and that measurable growth isnt instantaneous. i feel like she wanted to see her living conditions and her life in general change completely in a short amount of time.

in my own opinion, the relationship started falling apart about halfway through. she reached a point where she said she felt emotionally numb potentially as a result of her meds and couldnt feel intimacy anymore and didnt want to be intimate. i asked her to clarify since physical intimacy isnt my only want in a relationship and isnt even a deal breaker. and she said she wasnt sure. womp womp. despite her saying those things she ended up in bed with one of her university friends/flings. she said that she "just let him share the bed with her since he didnt have a place to sleep and nothing happened between them." and nah i dont quite buy that one bit anymore. especially since her roommate found the need to message me about it. there were a million different solutions she could have went with and she chose the worst one willingfully. at this point i tried breaking up with her or at least go on break. and she more or less guilted me into staying by accusing me of just wanting physical intimacy and sex lol... projecting much... from that point on forward i still put in as much effort as i could muster. but emotionally i was definitely colder. i definitely wasnt as vocal about my love. and then covid hit and the distance became greater. and it looked like it was getting back on track when the travel ban lifted and she stayed with me at my apartment for a month. and i actually believed that it was getting back on track at that point despite feeling uncertainty. and then she drops the break up a few months after blindsiding me.

11. describe your ideal type of romantic interest!!

i love creatives! whether theyre dancers or singers or writers or musicians or artists! i. feel like i have many types... i like confident passionate direct girls... ive been enamored by an architecture major whose hard work was both inspiring and. attractive. i would also put the girl at work i call texas girl in this category. watching her fiddle with components and be determined to resolve issues in any way she can... is attractive. i also like shy quiet. cutesy girls. mellow and sweet. i guess my ideal type would be someone confident and bold and direct... but can also be shy and sweet in private? someone thoughtful and kind. someone thatd make me feel supported and secure and undeniably loved. my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time!!! my romantic interest would be patient and mindful. and we would work as a couple to fix issues instead of shifting blame.

#thanks for asking me!!! v appreciated #ask #luckysyndrome #hope i didnt ramble too much!!!

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acethatlovesdinos · 6 months

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Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

#body dysmorphia #body positive #self love #self care #vent post

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ramblerbean · 7 months

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This weeks frustrating things:

Im ill prepared for my first ever drag show, so much so that I want to quit before I even start.

My body dysmorphia is rage (especially while in drag), and though ive never found myself attractive all i can think of myself as now is disgusting.

The tights I bought for drag dont fit

i dont have any good shapewear

though i am glad my chest is small as I'm trans, it makes drag much harder because bra stuffing sucks.

underwires

i dont feel like im good enough to be on stage

I'm scared my dad is gonna be disappointed in me after watching my drag show, even though i know that wont happen.

the shoes i wanted to wear arent stable enough to dance in

im not physically strong enough

i have no stamina

my room is a mess

i was really excited to go home and see my dad and cat for fall break, but my dad forgot that my sister who disowned me will be there this weekend, so unless i want to stay with my mom I can't go

my mom doesnt deserve to see me twice in two months

my friends care a lot but i dont feel like they understand what im saying

men

dating in general

that really horrible ache in your chest when someone describes how happy they are in their relationship

the color red

im allergic to my alin, but i have to wear a fitwatch to track my heart rate and blood pressure because ive been fainting. but wearing the watch irritates my allergy and rubs the skin off

cystic acne

getting up the effort to; go to class, shower, do homework, eat, wake up, etc

the urge to sh again

the rugburn on my foot

the rugburn on my knees

drinking enough water

#ramblerbeanspeaks

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rrelationshipadvice · 8 months

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i think im in love with my friend, and i confessed about a year ago and they don't reciprocate, which i understand, esp bc theyre aro. we're still friends and i care about them a lot, and i miss them a lot since they had to move even further away than before and are going through a lot, and we dont talk as much as before. i try to offer my support as best as i can but they know i am also mentally fragile so they dont open up to me as much (at least i think thats the reason)

im so touch starved i think, and i wanted really hard at one point to be more physically intimate/close with them, i always asked about if they were uncomfortable before and after we hung out, usually i leaned on them or put my head on their shoulder, sometimes hugged or tried to cuddle or hold them, and they always said it was fine, but it also seemed like they were shying away sometimes and not initiating stuff and i was really confused so i kept asking about it, and i think i scared them off by trying to seek this closeness or by asking about it so much instead of letting it happen naturally… they said they realize they arent really comfortable being super physical with anyone so i stopped trying that. they still initate physical contact like tight hugs when we see each other after a long while and putting their head on my shoulder so i feel like its ok if i do the same back sometimes but i dont try to seek it out specifically that much anymore bc i dont understand what theyre okay with really… they dont seem to mind me telling them theyre hot and losing my shit at their preformances, they call me hot sometimes too or appreciate how i look. they have talked about sex and sexual stuff and specifically didnt call themselves ace in a situation where others (including me) were pointed out to be ace so i think theyre not? and they talk about both fictional and irl hot men and sex and sexy fics and stuff. ive been thinking im ace for a while bc ive never really had specific sexual feelings for real people before(only for fictional characters, or like getting turned on when reading fics of a ship i love). but now ive been imagining myself doing stuff with them(so obvious im a virgin too lmao idk how to talk about sex) and i cant tell if im like. Actually experiencing these feelings or if im so attached to them im trying to imagine any possible configuration of a closer relationship to them…

and i keep imagining talking to them about it all and them agreeing to be in a fwb situation or queerplatonic relationship or something… they were okay for a bit with calling us queerplatonic or partners or (fandom term) for very close friends, but we stopped bc they felt it put too much like. pressure on our relationship to be Something and follow certain idk behaviours, and i assume it was because of the closeness i desired too probably then...

so i dont think it would ever happen really, after that, esp since i dont seem like their type, and i think they think im super asexual because i feel relatively uncomfortable casually talking about sex bc im so inexperienced… and also bc im 22 and theyre 19 and internet bullshit has made me feel predatory for a lot of things. i often feel bad or gross even imagining things with them or even being attracted to them because of that. sigh why is shit so complicated :/

ig i dont really have a specific question for advice, really just wanted to share this with Someone bc i dont feel like i can. but if anyone has advice or can emphatize or uncover some nifty aro/ace stuff i dont know of yet bc i havent done enough research id appreciate it lmao, ty for this blog <3

#advice #relationship advice #friend advice #dating advice

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sebastian-speaks · 10 months

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you know ever since becoming the host of this system ive really started looking in to my sexuality and such, which is hard to do because of my role as a sexual protector. its hard to find the difference between what i really feel and what i was made to do. who im really attracted to versus who i feel like i have to be attracted to.

for a while i thought i was gay. that i liked men and only men. but i think it was really only the thought of that. i had labelled myself as gay so i kind of only chose men to be "attracted" to. which i realize now was just me trying to conform to something. i just wanted something to be stable.

i think what brought me out of this was that time i kissed my friend. him and i were pretty close at the time and we were very much not sober and ended up making out a little bit. at the time i dont think i really noticed anything- but the days after i realized that it was probably one of the most triggering things i've done in a while. im not usually a touchy person so i didn't really know how i would react to those things- especially with men. and when i think about it more, that might have been the catalyst for the shitshow that was the next two weeks. the next time we did that particular drug things got pretty physical with him- and again, it wasn't triggering at the time, but the next few weeks were full pf flashbacks and pulling away from him.

im pretty sure that was the start of my questioning. i had been in a relationship that ended a few months prior, and honestly i never saw it as real. the whole thing had started when his friend said he was in to me and i guess i made up all of my feelings for him from that point on. it was miserable. i never actually liked him- but the whole time i thought i did. i thought "this is what romance feels like".

enough with that- after the whole thing with my friend i sort of pulled away from him. we didn't talk as much. i guess i was subconsciously a little scared of him even, an irrational fear i know now, but it didn't make sense to me then.

but very shortly after, everything changed. the other person in the group had a kind of fwb type of thing going on with the guy. and she talked to me about it. a lot. she would tell me about how she felt about him and such. how much she cared about him. and dont get me wrong- im glad i was the person she went to to talk about it. im glad i was able to be that person for her. but at the same time, hearing about that bond between them made me feel bad. it very well could have just been me being pissy about third wheeling. but i think i just wanted to be cared about in that way.

their thing ended. i was scared that it would mess up the friend group. it did not. i then left the country for two weeks. over those two weeks, me and her started talking WAY more. we were both in europe while the other friend was still in the states, so our time zones were close enough to still talk regularly. we talked a lot and i feel we got a lot closer

after getting back i was home for a few weeks before leaving the state for another two, and i remember a few days before leaving again her and i got very drunk. we ended up making out for a few hours and thats when it hit me. those two weeks i spent out of state ended up just being me questioning everything. at first i thought i was crushing on her- i realized very quickly that i was not. it was more of a i just wanted to be closer to her. i wanted to be someone to her. and i figured out then that romance was not my thing. at all. that i was aromantic and loved my best friend to pieces.

when i got home pretty much the first thing we did as a group was get drunk. and yeah we made out again. but we also talked about it. how we felt and such. a few days later we did some other drugs and talked about it even more. later that week we got together and actually talked about it sober. we agreed that it was nothing romantic.

how do i see it? a more than friends type thing but still platonic. i love her. i love her so much. so much more than she knows. i just want to be around her because she makes me happy. being out of state again is making me realize this more. i love how excited she gets when talking about the little things that make her happy. i love how much she cares. and i miss her. i miss her so much. i miss the sound of her voice. i miss being around her. shes just so great. not to mention shes fucking gorgeous-

i think i have it figured out now though. i know im aromantic and im content with that. im happy where im at now and im hoping it just gets better from here. im getting back home in a few days and im crossing my fingers that we'll be able to see each other.

anyways xoxo, sebastian:)

ill probably be using this blog for stories like this! hooray!

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skatetragedy · 1 year

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3/12/22

lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :

athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while.

ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it.

sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best.

nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.

i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.

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foxstens · 1 year

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once again having an existential crisis about sexual/romantic attraction

there’s a lot to talk about but rn im kind of questioning the crushes ive had. i’ve explained them before, one was in kindergarten and i rmr nothing about it, one was sometime in high school and lasted like 2 seconds, there really wasn’t much to it, and one has been going on since 5th grade. but now im suddenly wondering if they were even actually what we understand as crushes

google says a crush is ‘a brief but intense infatuation for someone‘ which kinda fits sorta maybe, but people on reddit explain it in a very... romantic way i guess, according to them you want to be around that person, you want to be liked by them, you have an active desire to date them or to just take things further. and im. well. that does not fit. i mean it might have with 2/3 crushes since i don’t remember the actual feeling itself

but with the third crush i do remember the feeling because it never fucking disappeared. like i’ve known this guy since i was 10, the last time i saw him face to face was like 4 years ago, but i still have him on facebook, we still wish each other happy birthday every year, and he still regularly appears in my dreams. and i always get the same feeling in those dreams - the feeling of being curious about this person, of wanting to talk to him and spend time with him and his family because when i met them in the past they always had interesting things to say and they were always nice and warm and friendly and as an only child maybe i was a bit jealous of his close relationship with his sisters.

and. that’s it. that’s all it’s ever been. maybe that feeling was friendship or at least a desire for friendship because i’ve never actually had irl friends and what i just described does not fucking look like what we think of when we use the word ‘crush’.

why am i so hung up on this, you ask? because i identify with the word aromantic so strongly, it feels more right than my actual fucking name but. i can’t be aromantic if i’ve had three whole crushes, right. lol. im probably just being stupid, but thinking about all of this is interesting.

and i still don’t understand the concept of romantic or sexual attraction. i guess i can sort of fathom the idea of romantic attraction, like you look at someone and you get the feeling that you want to be more than their friend, though it still feels foreign to me, definitely not something i’ve experienced, let alone with a stranger

but the idea of sexual attraction feels positively alien. maybe people just suck at explaining it or something, but having an actual physical response to just seeing someone, and having sexual thoughts and desires when looking at a person??? i’m sorry but what. does this genuinely actually happen to real people in real life

when i see an attractive person my brain just kind of stops and i just stare and mumble if i have to speak, then i might think about their face for a bit afterwards, trying to recall what i liked about it, and that’s it. very rarely, i might find someone’s aura and confidence attractive, and that’s when i’ll really stare but even then my thoughts are just: i wonder what their life is like, i wonder what it’s like to be them, i wonder what it’s like to be around them regularly when they have this aura. you know??? i guess this might be what google describes as aesthetic attraction, maybe.

so yea i guess this proves that i’m definitely somewhere on the aroace spectrum. i mean i knew this, i have known this for years. but i feel more confident about it, now that i’ve thought more deeply about the ‘crushes’ i’ve had and how they fit.

also hopefully one day i’m not gonna be so surprised when i get reminded that some people see and experience the world completely differently. d a n g.

#my posts #my rambles #long post #read more #ugh some days im like 'fuck labels im just queer'#other days im like 'if i dont find the right label right now i will die'#why the fuck #first world problems :(

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whatsnothappening · 1 year

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I was asked to be his valentine today

As ive said before, i am married. I love this man with all of my heart. We are very newly married but i feel like i have been married to him for years. Now we are just legal. (said that already i know lol) But today he asked me to be his valentine. Something so simple, and it gave me butterflies. I had been joking with him the past couple of days about him asking me, it was an honest joke. I had been seeing on tik tok, facebook etc. of all these girls saying that if their husbands dont ask them to be their valentine then they're not even married lol. But he made sure to ask me, to me i feel that is so sweet. Even with something so simple he made sure to make it happen for me. He knows i dont really care for these hallmark holidays. They're just created and made a big deal for money. We can make any day of the year our valentines day. Valentines day is just the one day of the year where couples are pressured into buying the other something when they need nothing, flowers are brought home to die, disgusting valentines day chocolates are bought to be thrown away and its a day for people who are lonely and single to wonder why they dont have a special someone. (you dont need one, girl/boy live you're life and love your self.. valentines day aint shit.) I cant stand it. But now i sit here, a hypocrite because i am excited that i was asked to be his valentine. Something that he probably thought i was kidding but wasn't sure and wanted to make sure he was doing right by me and asked me. I find it extremely sweet and it just makes me fall in love with him even more. I am currently in the mindset where i am just at a understanding that not every relationship is perfect and never will be. Everyone will have their ups and downs. I just hate our current negative. This is so uncomfortable to say, but i need his physical touch. I need the warmth of his hands on me. I need him. We havent been able to be intimate in so long because he blames it on his testosterone. Which could be true... but, there is a very big back story to this (i am already preparing myself for the rambling im about to do to try and explain this story) that leads me to believe that it isn't entirely the testosterone. Now, he has been told by doctors that it could be the fact that he is over weight. but we both are.... So why is it that i can beg for him and he never is in the mood. So let me go back a few years. Even before we even got engaged. We have been dealing with this for a long long while. Before our relationship lacked lust we were constantly in each others pants. There was a time together that we weren't at least feeling each other up. I could not keep my hands off of him and he couldn't me. Until all of a sudden it stopped. i mean it just stopped. It wasn't like how you see in movies or dramatic shows where you see random pans of the guy making a move and the girl pretends she's tired/ has her period/ has a head ache. Or where the husband just explains he cant because hes too tired but secretly he has had someone on the side and he literally is drained out. (which i hate that they always play that way, because that could go either way... girls are players too.... aside from the period part.. men cant fake that lol) Now, i am not in any means accusing him of cheating. we have been dealing with this issue for years. i would not have married a man i suspect of cheating. Believe me or not, im sure i sound like every other girl... but the man would never. i know he is in it for the long haul. I think the problem is me. and it isn't that i dont want him. i fucking want him, everyday like i have every day since ive met him. i am absolutely infatuated with the man. but i am not what i was when he first met me. I was thin, i was in shape. I was flexible. now my face is unrecognizable, my body is bigger than it ever was before. i am not desirable anymore. i am not what he finds attractive today. he tells me im beautiful every time i cry to him on why he wont touch me or make love to me anymore. and he tells me how sorry he is. he tells me he will go to the doctor. he promises me that he still loves me and wants me everyday but his body wont let him. he says he tries to get himself in the mood because his mind wants it but his body wont...get up and go. So, if his doctors has told him that considering he is over weight.. and that he has never been able to grow facial hair or whatever else they've told him i would say okay, yes this hurts but it is his testosterone. it has to be. Well my issue is... when his body does work is when we are with other people... we are open. i trust him. i know that even if he is with another women he will come back with me. now we never go off on our own with other people. we just like group activities. at first i wasn't about it because i had never tried anything like that before. i had always thought about it. but i always thought my first time would be with friends or randoms from a bar or whatever. not with the man im going to marry, but i honestly am happy that it went this way because we have been safe about it and he keeps me feeling comfortable and confident during everything. if i still was in shape i dont think i would have much issues with confidence, but with the body i have now...im not used to her. i dont want to be, im trying to get back to being comfortable and healthy but thats a whole other story. so back to when we first started talking about it, i enjoyed talking about it. a lot. it was so fucking hot. it was like we were back to the beginning everything was so fucking fresh and exciting. i loved talking about it. then it fucking lit his flame again. i was full again. i had no issues. everything was perfect again, until i realized that every time we were making love the main topic was having a threesome or having an orgy. He would start everything off with that. He would bring up a scenario and pick my brain about it and then start telling me how sexy he thinks it would be to watch me doing whatever we were talking about with another girl.... i started to freak out, i was panicking. Sex with him started to become empty, i was just going through the motions for a while. until i broke. i told him that we needed to break up because i couldn't offer him what he truly wanted and that i would never make him happy. he was extremely quick to shut that down. he said that a threesome or anything like that meant nothing to him if it meant losing me and that he never wanted to talk about it again. the first time that happened i think we had sex just a few times after that and then we were back to nothing. going to bed sometimes giving a peck and saying goodnight. i dont remember how it was brought up again but it was and i told him i needed time to think about it, we talked about it and went through the motions again and i chickened out. because it felt like the first time. we went back and forth with this for a while. well i think i started to tell myself that i was being ridiculous and that i needed to get out of my head and realize that we both are kinky and we just like sex and obviously something so new would get anyone excited. so i agreed to it. the first time was absolutely horrible. the people that we did it with where absolutely fucking psychotic. needless to say we no longer talk to them. they tried making it seem like we were in a relationship. the next couple of times where amazing. well we stopped doing them because well... life happened and we just had to buckle down and we were trying to plan our wedding. oh yea btw somewhere in this time frame we got engaged. well, i have noticed that ever since we stopped with the group shit we are back to this roommate shit. i mean thats how i feel. i just have a roommate that i now share a bank account with? i mean... am i an idiot for marrying a guy that doesn't want me? i kept saying its a coincidence that his dick just works only when we are talking about sex and having group sex but if he doesn't want me then why would he marry me? why would he even ask me? because we were having these issues before he even proposed.. So what is all of this for. its not a fucking coincidence. im sorry, but it isn't. he no longer is attracted to me. i dont know if he just doesn't realize it or if he is afraid to admit it. but i know thats what it is. i just dont know how to fix it. because the thing is... i am back in the gym i am trying to watch my portion control and just make smarter and healthier choices but it is so annoying because i want to make sure i am doing this for myself and not so he will fuck me.... i want to be happy, i want to be healthy, i want to feel good. i am not going to the gym just so i can get some fucking dick from my husband. i mean god damnitl... who knows if i will even get dick if i lose all this weight (wait not if WHEN i lose all this fuckin weight) because when i do i am probably going to have saggy deflated tits and loose skin everywhere... hed probably prefer me fat. god, imagine if i was going through this after having a child with him. would this make me resent my child? i mean this shit genuinely scares me. it makes your head go through dark shit. do i just confront him and tell him that he needs to really think about it and own up to the shit? or am i just putting thoughts into his head? I literally have no clue... i think my issue with thinking this way is that we have been dealing with this for so fucking long and he has promised to go to the doctor for it but he has yet to do it. and im tired of hearing fucking excuses... it has been years that we have been dealing with this. enough is enough. i guess i can tell him and be honest and explain to him what has been going through my head and tell him that if he doesn't buck up and go to the doctor and i dont see some fucking results then that proves me right. because if it genuinely was his body and he is as broken as he says he is then why the fuck hasn't he taken care of it yet. i mean jesus christ.... anytime he does joke around and get the tiniest bit touchy i am uncomfortable and literally have to tell him to stop because its not normal to me. i havent had his normally constant handsy shit so now im just.... not used to it. what? am i supposed to just be ready to spread my legs when ever hes horny? and thats another thing... he told me “you have to keep in mind, if i ever get touchy dont think that means i automatically want to have sex. im just messing around” WELL, we havent fucked in god knows how long so my bad for hoping that you man handling my tits OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE makes me hope and prey that i might feel physically connected to you finally.... i hate this... i just want to get back to normal. we have other negatives too... those are soo fucking minor, like the most microscopic little disagreements.... why cant those be our big issues. i feel like i am just married to a friend. not a lover, not a husband. what did i do wrong? he gained weight too! its not just me... i still love him and want him with every inch hes gained. i still think he just as handsome if anything more handsome than ever because we watched each other mature and find our selves over the years. why is it like this? i think i need to just talk to him. he needs to understand that this shit needs to stop and change before this shit goes south. im sorry but i cant handle this for much longer. having sex with him isnt just sex. i feel connected... i feel safe... i feel loved. i miss that so much...

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