#its soemthing i wont let go ever
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im quite tired of talking about totk, like im sure you all know by know just how frustrated i am, but something i still strongly believe was the logical, and best thing to do in a sequel.. -
while botw was about you feeling lost in a strange world with neither you nor link knowing anything and both discovering it as you go, the theme of lonelyness and isolation, freeing the spirits of dead friends you need toremember again, in the end finally reuniting with one of the only friends still alive, after a 100 years
totk should have been about community, about working together with zelda at your side, as a companion, after having been seperated for so long, and seeing nothing of the time between titles, this should have been her travelling alongside you, after botw you'd WANT to spend time with her and get to know her more, her being the diplomat, the archtitect, the scientist, the translator of old texts, a historian trying to find out the truth about what her fathers kingdom was built on, to right old wrongs perhaps, for a better future- theres so much that she should have been, so much of her character was primed to go into this direction- and instead she is a pretty prize with no personality you get at the end like this is an 80s cartoon still
(this is disregarding the whole fact that ganondorf, AS WELL, should have been a giant factor in all this, in the history of it all, to explore his character and his actions, to have zelda research and find out about histroy clearly written by the victors- theres so much potential depth here that it dirves me crazy, botw was such a set up for more that was wasted, utterly wasted, for something i wouldnt even want to call paper thin bc even paper has more depth than anything in totk)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk#ganondoodles rants#do not come to argue with me#im done trying to sound all nice about it#im angry and frustrated about this#tin foil hat me is convinced they shipped the “writing” for totk off to some mobile games company bc they wanted to focus on that movie#since the success of the mario movie made them prob more money thant botws sales did#i know it might no line up#which is why i said tin foil hat me thinks that#with the situation of the games industry as a whole and zelda being my thing of interest#its soemthing i wont let go ever#and i have zero faith there will be any good stories to come out of the franchise again#dare i say satoru iwatas presence is dearly missed#espeically knowing how the other main guys think about what games should be#i know miyamoto always had a questionable approach to games#pretty sure it was aounoma who said the “why would you wanna go back to linearity lolol nostalgia blindet idiots lololol”#not a direct quote but you know what i mean#anyway#wont be taking about totk in length anymore#im just tired at this point#getting better at ignoring its existence but it still hurts like a sore spot you forgot you had whenever i hear anythign about it
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magine crying and you wanna tell one of your friends why uou're crying because you want a bit of comfort. But you're afraid of coming in at a bad time like that one time and feeling so guilty about it because they're going through something worse and you cant you CANT talk to anyone because youre afraid everyone else wonfmt get it or wont pay you any attention but you wanan talk to SOMEONE about how youre feeling but you CANT cus even if you were allowed to and didnt have any fear youd still say absolutely nothing.
Oooohhhh i dont wanna b a bother to anyone theyre all going through shit absolute garbage and i know they say it doesnt take energy to care about me i STIL dont wanna bothr them because what if i catch them at a rrally really really bad time or what if i text someome and they dont have an answer and ignore me and the next time they text theyre gunna skip over what i told them and theyre gunna talk.about something else else.
I want a hug hug i want aomeone to tell me its okay but thats way too much to ask from them i dont wanna be a bother i dont wanna be a worry but i kust talked to my therapist today after a month of not being able to chat and we had to do it over phone while my mom was nearby cus we live in the small ass bus and i cant ask her to go outside cus its 11 degrees and i feel like i didnt say enough and now i just really really want a someone but no i dont wanna bother them its late and theres scjool tomorrow and school sucks and i dont want them feeling like they need to cater to my stupid ass.
Im sorry im so so sorry theyre gunna read this sometime and say soemthing really nice but im not gunna read the message for five hours and maybe ill try avoiding it alltogether cus i dont know i dont know why cant you be mean like i expect you to why cant you yell and curse at me like i expect you to why are you so NICE to me.???? Nono i know why but why man. Why in a rhetorical sense. Why in the how do you have the fucking energy for me.
Im sorry. Im done crying. Oh god man its fine i got my favorite stuffed animal and everything
I want a hug can you give me a hug please. I feel so selfish and cruel. Im so scared youre gunna turn on me one day because nobody can be that genuine. Aint nobody in the fucking world who can be this sweet and silly. Im so waiting im so worried i dont ever want that to happen but i feel like it really might even though i know it wont. Why have you never let uour anger out on me even when i deserved it. Im sorry i didnt want to text about this im just hoping this post will stay buried, cus maybe it comforts me knowing it exists and could be discovered by you, but theres the happy chance you never ever see this and i get to not talk about it ever again. My wonderful schrodingers cat is such a comfort to me because then i dont have to worry about an outcome that im positive will happen. I love my maybes.
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5, 8, 17 for a character of your choice; 38 for at least 5 prolegomenon characters, and 44 for tryxie
a grab bag.... hmm.... world is my oyster...!! i tihnk for the first 3 ill random gen soemone. smile. ok i got sa!ytk so ill do this i guess forrrrr dusty? the protag. the killer.
5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?
pretty mcuh a handful of useful stuff. defintiely has a swiss army knife, a pack of gum, a spare band-aid... his wallet with like 3 diff identities on drivers licenses or smth. he ususally likes to be prepared for stuff ykwim.
8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?
LOL he is a former hitman...!! i havent really thoufht about his past hits though. i think maybe his first was jsut some random person in debt to whoever hired him... thats probsbly usually what these things are about after all.
17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?
in my head dusty used to have thsi old firetruck that he loved so much adn carried around everywhere. and it barely works because its so aged and the plastics all brittle adn the paints faded but it was so important to him. his son has it now
ok gd. prolegomenon time. lets see...
38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?
REMOVE THE PROBLEM:
yua. in her head tehre are no problems or threats that cant be overcome so she will throw herself with gusto at things, though strategically... she wont just do this blindly. she knwos everything has a soft spot though.
cherry. mew cannot conceptualize the fact taht there are threats and problems mew cannot solve by mewself, or at all even with friends' help. mew is unkillable. mew is unstoppable. mew is cherry freakin' thaxton. etc.
sofie. everythinf in the world can be solved by being annoying enough and a little luck. aslo now that bud can explode stuff bud is like Well ill just fucking blow it up? and buds right. most stuff can be solved by blwoing it up. bud IS the threat in this scenario...
dina. dina is similar to yua inthe way that itll back off to approach things strategically adn see what other avenues can be taken, though it also isnt scared to get a little dirty in there. it will take advatnage of every tool at its disposal to do wahtever has to be done.
diego. unmovable object, once it's mind is latched onto soemthing it will not let go until the roadblock is removed or it is bascislly dead. its a very stubborn person who works at something until stuff goes its way.
rhett. hes like diego but worse in every way. there is only one problem/threat on earth wehre he conceded and removed hismelf and his brother from it but ithink if he were ever faced with that same issue today he would beat it to death with a rock.
aldrich. everything in the world is a puzzle to them and they have the key in their head, ifthey can just think it through. sure it will take a few tries adn some failrue but at the end of the day theywill unlock the key factor to make it work. or theyll die. either or
REMOVE THEMSELF:
roy. he is a pretty straightforward kind of guy who can recognize when hes in over his head. also wehn faced with an issue he cant handle he usually just has a little upset about it.
jesse. theyre like water in the way taht theyll always take the path of least resistance, mostly becasue they dont like to be challenged in a lot of ways (isnt life challenging enough!?)...
amada. she gets overwhelmed easy and isnt very confident in herself and her ability to tackle stuff. if she has friends by her side MAYBE its a different story but mostly... she will just back down when stuff gets too hard.
isa. it kind of depends on the issue becasue if its something they feel can be handled wiht minimal issue/harm, theyll do it, but generally most thinfs cannot be handled this way lol. if stuff looks a little too big for them to chew theyll back off as far as they ccan.
julio. he doesnt like to cause any sort of fuss over stuff, so if he cant handle something (esp by himself), hell just walk away and try something esle. theres always anotehr safer/easier avenue to take!
reed: i mean theyll TRY. theyll chew on it and think it through but generally theyd prefer to go around stuff if possible. tehy dont really like to pushthemself to overcome anything or whatever, they think thats an easy road to hurting yourself....
OK. that waseverything i cared to say. whatever. tryxie.
44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?
i think... tryxie is a very deeply self obsessed persson. it doesnt say 'love you!' very easiky this is thekind of thing resevred for wehn it thinks it will never see this person again or soemthign onthat level of importance. even for family and stuff. its said that only once before when not meaning itt and it ledto so much drama taht it has vowed never to say that without meaning it ever again. normal guy x
oc questions!
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Least dangerous to most dangerous marvel yandere characters (pt.2)
A/n: Sorry I posted his ome late but here it is. I know it doesn't have all the characters but these are the ones I thought about at the time. Also these are all my opinion
Warnings: mentions of yandere/creepy behavior, stalking, gaslighting and emotional manipulation.
General Masterlist
Marvel Masterlist
5. Bucky Barnes
Possessive/Protective
If Bucky fell in lovw with you and he became obsessed he would do any thing to have you. He will stalk you relentlessly until you give in. But lets say you don't his mind will go to kidnapping and he will find a nice secluded place for you two to live out the rest of your lives. He would be able to fake your death or something that will insure no one will come looking for you. He is very possessive and will let nobody get close to you in the time he hasn't won your heart over.
4. Loki Layfeyson
Manipulative/Possessive
When Loki find soemthing he wants he wont stop until its his. Same thing with you he will try to charm you first but it will be more to get vlos2e to you. Then he will start to gaslight you and get you away from your friends and family till hes the only one you can bear to be with. He will eventually have you run away with him somewhere far away where its only you two.
3. Peter Parker
Delusional/Manipulative/Clingy
Peter is within the top 3 because of how emotionally maniplative he can be. He will try to get with you naturally and it eventually works. The second your together he starts getting obssessive and not liking that your hanging with your frisnds more than him. Is he not enough for you? He will start gaslighting you to stop seeing your frismds and staying home with him. If you ever try to leave he will start crying and bagging for you to stay until you feel guilty for even thinking of leaving him. His concince is very low due to the fact that hes so delusional even if you didnt like him to begin with he will make up any excuse just to live in his fantasy of you loving him. So when he kidnaps you because you didn't fall for his manipulation he will make sure to spend all morning, afternoon, and night by your side.
2. Tony Stark
Possesive/Obsessive/Rich
Tony is a very powerful and smart man we know that. Once he lays his eyes on you he's obsessed instantly. He starts becoming very possessive even though you haven't formally been introduced. When you do meet it isn't a coincidence at all. The second he gets back home he will look you up and read hour and hours for your information. When he asks you out if you say yes he will spoil you and give you the world. But if you say no he will make life very hard for you until your begging at his feet for his help.
1. Wanda Maximoff
Delusional/Manipulative/Clingy
Wanda is the most dangerous to me cause if you don't accept her love for you she wont take it nicely. We've seen what she did in WandaVision she will force those feelings on you and no one can stop her. Shes a very powerful woman and will have you if that's what she desires. If you do accept her then your never leaving her side she will be with you 24/7 latched on to a body part of yours. In her head all of this is okay because she loves you. Shes protecting you what llre could you want? The second you start to lose feelings she'll know but that's a easy fix when your sleeping she will impact your mind
#x reader#wanda x reader#tony stark x reader#yandere#peter parker x reader#maximoff#loki laufeyson x reader#bucky barnes x reader#marvel#avengers#dark#tom holland#tom hiddleston#rdj#elizabeth olsen#sebastian stan
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2/2 but he stil isnt aknowledged nearly as much as he needs to be and im so saddened that he has to be seperate from his members while they keep on going when he should be there with them. We all knew at some point he would have to go to the army, im not begrudged over that, instead i want to know why, why cube didnt give us time to prepare. thats a year and a half without him and you jsut expect me to just go on like its all good - like actually fuck you cue, you are a slimy bastard who doesnt give any of your idols what they deserve, you have hui sit for days on end producing songs and yet you wont let him show the 10,000 or so that hes just got sitting on his harddrive. you dont let hui, changgu, shinwon, hyunggu, yuto, wooseok or jinho have complete creative freedom and i actually hate you for it. regardless of whether jinho would have wanted to tell us at this point in time and then go straight to the army, i could fuckgin take that. if we got a post from him saying im going in a bit i couldve fucking took that. but the entire fandom had to find out through a teaser of an episode of a network show that he wont be competing in thats airing 2 weeks from now???????? that is disgusting. honestly pentagon jsut makes me so happy they work so hard and theyre always there for fans and each other. Its something thats so admirable and so deeply rooted in their treatment of fans its unbeleivable. everyday im so happy that i stan pentagon becuase they write good music, they write hearfelt music and they show us what is real. like yanan couldve just said he was goign n hiatus for a fake broken arm or something but no he told us he was struggling interally and i cannot even express how good it makes you feel to go they are trying to overcome exactly what i am.. and that no ones perfect but you work, you work to become a better you. while i feel so increadilby sad over this i have no regrets. i dont regret stanning them becuase overall, they made my life more joyous than i could without them. i originally started listening to music becuase i felt lonely and pentagon makes me feel like i ahve a home. regardless of the fandom size, regardless of what theyve been through i always felt welcome and happy to see them be successful to be able to cry with them or even just laugh at their stupid fuckign jokes. their humanity makes me feel comforted when i felt i had lost my own and their happiess brings my own. pentagon as a whole is soemthing that makes the happiest i think i could ever be, not becuase i think that they care what i think but rather becuase these peopel i care about are together. are happy and are whole
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ahhhhhhh i'm screaming can you expand more on the edging thing between matteo and david ❤
(lol i wonder who sent this) okay yes cause this is all i ever want to talk about
okay SO
- like i mentioned in the other ask david is always smiling when doing dom stuff with matteo but hes so fuckin extra when it comes to edging cause he loves being annoying about it so whenever hes about to do it matteo can kinda tell cause theyll be hangin out and suddenly david will just 😏
-like theyll be sittin watching a movie or soemthing and david will just....like reach over and start jerking him off til hes really close and then will just?? stop??? and go back to watching the movie and will ignore matteo until he like literally crawls into davids lap
- but i also think he can be really sweet with it?? like hell just keep matteo in bed for hours and not let him finish until he cant handle it anymore, and then will be like “its okay baby you did so good let me help you”
- also david really likes making matteo beg cause he loves his voice, especially when hes close, so hell be like “you have to ask nicely” and matteoll be like “pls” and davids like “hmmmmm not good enough” and wont do it until matteos like “okay okay please oh my god david please” and then hes like “😏 ya okay bb”
god SORRY for how long that got its something i think about...often
#thank you for letting me go tf off on this#one of my fave subjects tbh#davenzi smut#thots and feelings
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SHIT SO OKAY IM JUST READING HOMESTUCK AND THEY GET ONTO APPLES AND ALL THIS SYMBOLISM SHIT AND NEUTON AND ADAM AND EVE AND ALL THAT AND HOW ITS ALL ABOUT APPLES AND THEN IM TALKING ABOUT HUGNER GAMES SINCE ITS ON AND HOW THEY TOOK OUT THE ROOF AND APPLE SCENE AND THEN THE APPLE SCENE IN SNK CROSSES THROUGH MY HEAD THEN DEATH NOTE AND THEN ALL THESE OTHER APPLE REFERENCES JUST KEPT GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AND I HAD A SUDDEN LIFE REALIZATION!!!!! THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND APPLES!!!! LIKE THINK THE MOST POPULAR AND LEADING COMPANY IS CALLED APPLE!!!!!!!!! FROM THE START OF TIME LIFE HAS BEEN ABOUT DAMN APPLES!!!! AND COME ON ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO HATE APPLE JUICEE!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE IM NOT EVEN KIDDING HERE I KNOW WHAT LIFE IS NOW! AN APPLE! APPLELIFE LIFELIFE LIFE APPLES!!!!!!! SCHOOL - APPLES!!!!!!!!! WORK - APPLES!!!!!!!! AND LIKE IF YOU GO TO A MUSEUM THERES AN APPLE IN ALMOST EVERY PAINTING! LIKE IF IT AINT JUST A PERSON I GURARANTEE YOU THERES A 99.9% CHANCE THERES AN APPLE SOMEWHERE IN THERE! FORGET THE FUCKING ILLUMANATI ITS APPLES COMTR OMFG VICK!!!!!!!!!!!!! APPLES ARE THE ILLUMINATI ARENT HTEY!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE THE ILLUMANATI IS JUST A DECOY TO THE REAL THRUTH WHICH IS APPLES!!!!!! APPLES ARE REALLY BEHIND ILLUMANATI AND ALL THAT SHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE SHIT HAVE YOU EVER GONA A FULL DAY WITHOUT EVEN SEEING AN APPLE ONCE!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT MAY NOT HAVE CROSSED YOUR MIND BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS THERE WAS OBVIOUSLY AN APPLE!!!!!!!!!! OMG EVEN DOCTOR WHO IS PART OF THE APPLEATI!!!!!!!! (ILLUMINATI + APPLE = APPLEATI!!! EVEN THO APPLES ARE THE ILLUMINATI!!) LIKE HOELY SHIT WHAT M,ORE POPULAR THAN FUCKIEN APPLE SHIT NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ITD BE BULL TO EVEN THINK SO!!!!!!!! LIKE YOUD KNOW YOUF BE LYIN TO URSLELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST THINK ABOUT IT MAN IM TOTALLY FUCKING RIGHT AND IF THE APLE MENT OR GOVERNAMENT RLLY AS THEY LIKEK TO HAVE US BELIEVE EVER FINDS OUT I KNOW IM SO FUCKING DEAD SO IF I GO MISSING U KNOW THE APPLEMENT OR RLLY APLLEATI IS BEHIND IT AND I AM TOTALLY FREKIN RIGHT. BUT YEAH IM TOTALLY RIGHT BOUT THIS SHIT APPLES ARE THE FUCKING UNIVERSEW I BET IF THEY EVER FIGURE OUT WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS SHAPED LIKFE THEY GONNA SEE A GODDAMN APPLE SHAPE!!!!!!!! AND EVEN IF THERE AINT A APPLE THERES A FREAKING REFERNCE OR SOMETHIN THAT MAKES U THINK APPLE SUBCONCIOUSLY IN DA BACK OF UR HEAD LIKE HMMMM RED APPLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! YKNOW WHAT IM GETTIN AT???????? LIKE YO APPLES ARE LIFE!!!!! I MEAN WHAT DO STORES ALWAYS HAVE AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF?????????? APPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ANOTHER THING I JSUT NOTICED WATHCING HUNGER GAMES THE THING OIUNTMENT THING THAST KATNISS GETS FOR HER LEG IT KINFDA LOOKS LIKE APPLE SAUCE!!!!!! BUT A LIL LESS CHUNKY ALTHO I HAVE HAS APPLE SAUCE THAT LOKS EXACTLY LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!! AND WHY IS APPLESAUCE SO POPLAR?????? BC ITS A FIICKING APPLES@@@@@@ LIKE EVEN THE NAME THEY GIVE APPLES IS ALL LIKE FOND MEMORIESSSSS AND MMMMMMMMM APPLES!!!!!!! LIKE GRANNY SMITH???? OH GRANDMAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! GOLDEN DELICIOUS ?????? GOLDEN DELICIOUS BOTH ARE LIKE MMMMMMM YEAH I WANT ME SOME OF THAT!!! MM YEAH!! GEMME SOME A DAT SHIT1!!!!! RED DELICIOUS????? WHO DOESNT WANT A NICE RED(LIKE HOW MUCH MORE FUCKING REFD IN LIFE DO WE NEED HOLY CERAP THAT GOTTA BE PART OF APPLEATI !!!!!!!!!) DELICIOUS APPLE!!!!!!!! AND LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN SOME OF DOSE APPLES OUT THERE THEY FREAKING GORGEOUS LOOKING!!!!!!!!!! LIKE HOT DAMN THATS A NICE LOOKING APPLE!!!! OH OH OH THEN THERES NEW YORK!!!!!! D SINGLE MOST FAMOUS CITY EVER!!!!!!!! ITS MOST FAMOUS NICKNAME "THE BIG APPLE"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COINKY DINKS!!!!!!! I THINKS NOT!!!!!!!!!! NU UHHHHHHHH NOPE!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ON PURPOISE FROM THE APPLEATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ThIs Is A fUcKiNg ThINg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A CLIP FROM GOOGLING APPLE "The apple tree is a deciduous tree in the rose family best known for its sweet, pomaceous fruit, the apple" SWEET . PROMACEOUS. HMMMMMMMMMM AND OH LOOKSY A THAT ITS IN THE ROSE FAMILY!!!!!!!! THE MOST FAMOUS FLOWER CAUSE SHIT ITS THE MOST ROMANTIC FLOWER AND HUMANITY LIVES OFF ROMANCE AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS APPLES ARE PART OF THAT FAMILY SO DEFINITELY NOT ANOTHER COINKY DINK!!!!!!!! THIS IS ALL PROVING MY SHIITING POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!OH AND AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY?!?!?!?!? YEAH EAT AN APPLE A DAY AND YOU WONT GET ILL!!!!!!!!!! BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT APPLESSSSSSSSSSSSSS AREEEEEEEEEEEEEE COMTROLLINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG PEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BACK TA HUNGA GAMES!!!!!!!!! HUNGER - APPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK NO MY REAL POINT! HOW DOES KATNISS BLOW UP ALL THE SHIT IN THE FIRST BOOK/MOVIE?!?!??!?!?!?! BY USING A FUCKEN BAG OF ______________!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GUESSED IT!!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKING APPLES. AN SHIT HOW MANY APPLE PROVERBS AND WHATCHA MA CALL ITS UH METAPHORS IS THERE???????? IN THE APPLE OF YOUR EYE???? WTF!!!!!!!!!! ADAMS APPLE!!!!!!!!!!! AND WHY DO YOU BOB FOR APPLES???????? SHIT EVEN TWILIGHT IT HAD A FUCKING APPLE ON THE COVER AND ADVENTURE TIME MARCELINE EVERYONES FAV LEZ VAMPIRE SHOW FINN AND JAKE HER VAMPY SUCKY POWERS BY SUCKING THE COLOUR FROM AN APPLE!!!!! AND WHY DO YOU PUT AN APPLE ON SOMEONES HEAD THAN SHOOT IT WITH AN ARROW OMF IN VAMPIRE SHIFT THE VAMPYRUS WAS EATIN A FUCKEN APPLE WHEN YA FIRST MEET THAT HOT PIECE OF ASS AND WHY ARE APPLES IN SO MUCH DEEP AND ARTSY SHIT LIKE DEPRESSED ART ---- LOOK A FUCKING APPKLE!!!! AND WHATS WITH THE GIRLS ARE LIKE APPLES THING??? LIKE WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?@?@?@?@ OMFG IM GOIN BACK TO VAMPIRES WHAT VAMPIRE SHIT DOESNT HAVW SOEMTHING TO DO WITH AN APPPLE TBH IDK WHAT KIND OF VAMPIRE SHIT IVE SEEN OVER THE YEARS BUT HALF OF IT THEY HAVE AN APPLE LIKE 'MMMMMMM YEAH LOOK AT DIS SWEET FUCKEN APPLE IM FONDLING MMMMMM YEAHHHHH' AND IN THE BIBLE WHY THE APPLE THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT LIKE WTF WHY IT SO FORBIDDEN????????? AND OMF WHY IF FOOD IS BEING INVOLD=VED IN A RIGHT BEOFRE THE SEX OR VERY SEXY SCENCE OR SHIT LIKE THAT IS IT ALWAYS AN APPLE BEING INVOLVED LIEK 'YASSSSSSSSSSS WATCH ME ''SENSUALLY'' BITE IN TO APPLE SUPER SEXAY LIKE MMMMMMMMM YA U LIKE DAT DONTCHU MMMMMM YAAAAA' LIKE WTF???????? AND AGAIN TO TWILIGHT THE APPLE SCENCE AND OMF SNK THAT APPLE SCENE UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO FUCEN SEXUAL OMFG EVEN I COULD SENSE THE SEXUAL TENSION IN THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!! AND OH SWITCHED AT BIRTH DID SHIT LIKE THAT THE SENSUALLY EATING A MITHER DUCKENING APPLE LIKE OHHHHH YEAHHHHHH UR TOTALLY GETTING OFF ON THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE ARENT YA ????@?@?@?@?@ MMMMM YA U ARE WAHCT ME BITE THSI FUCKEN APPLE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!1 BACK TO HUNGER GAMES ACTUAKKY THE ROOF SCENE! U KNOW WHAT THEY GOT WIT THEM??? A FUCKEN APPLE!!!!!!!!!! THEY BE FUCKEN AROUND WIT AN APPLE UP THERE AND THAT SCENE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND SHIT CAUSE ITS LIKE WHRE THEY FUCKING FINALISE THERE LOVE FOR EAVHOTHER AND LIKE FUCK WE RLLY DO LOBE EAVHOTERH HUH????? ON THAT ROOF WUTH THAT APLPLE!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WHNE THEY REALIXE THAT SHIT!!!!!!! YOU HEARIN ME?!!??@?@ SHIT LET NOT FFORGT THAT CELEBRITY THAT CALLED THE KID-I THINK THEIR DAUGHTER??APPLE!!!!!! AND MUFFA FUCKING DISNEY MAN! OH MY FUCK DISNEY!!!!!! LIKE ALL THE MOST POPULAR AND MOST LOVED DISNEY GOT APPLES IN THE,!!!!! LOOK AT SNOW WHITE OMGDFG AMD WHY ARE VENDING MACHINES ALWAYS STALKED FULL PF APPLE JUICE YET EVERYONE ALWAYS HAS APPLE JUICE LIKE WTF APPLEEEEEEEEEEEE
#conspiracy#conspiracy theroy#conspiracy theory#apples#disney#homestuck#illuminati#hunger games#adventure time
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I posted 288 times in 2021
15 posts created (5%)
273 posts reblogged (95%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 18.2 posts.
I added 16 tags in 2021
#insp - 5 posts
#the comfort of it all - 2 posts
#i miss u - 2 posts
#i have champagne problems on loop since last night fuuuckk - 1 posts
#and then i will run away - 1 posts
#one day i will go outside and break my phone - 1 posts
#but tis ma heart uwu - 1 posts
#this may or may not be understandable - 1 posts
#stabs u to death - 1 posts
#lvoe u - 1 posts
Longest Tag: 140 characters
#catching each other at the corners of our eyes and being sudenly filled with a overwhelming urge to run run towards them and hug the life ou
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
hang on...hang on, just a minute...
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to forget it or move on...
But these are better days...to be wrong all along and admit it
Its not an amazing grace
but to be loved like a song you remember...even when you've changed
2 notes • Posted 2021-10-10 19:03:22 GMT
#4
I dont want to draw
Like I just dont want to draw anymore
My dreams feel grey, broken and so so far away
2 notes • Posted 2021-09-12 07:22:53 GMT
#3
i miss times before the internet and endless screens
nothing felt better then going outside and being completely seperate from where u belong
nothing felt better then saying goodbye forever
and now past relationships hang on my conscious in the form of a hundred unread messages or an uncomfortable silence in a dm
when i move away, cant we stop staying in touch ?
with social media there isnt a single way to mark the end of any relationship
can the phone stop ringing?? can i cut you off? without u ever finding me again
can we be comfortable not talking again?
3 notes • Posted 2021-09-14 07:21:53 GMT
#2
screams screams screams screams screams
4 notes • Posted 2021-09-18 19:46:36 GMT
#1
@zuzu-likes TO MY EPICEST BEST FRIEND ZUZETTTEEEE
And shush it zuzette, that song was the best thing
Im gonna join you in crying tho, ;;; i love you sosoosososos much tooooooooooo ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ugughughguhg why are you so perfecttttt, you are the best person ive ever met hehehe, you make me feel like the luckiest bunhun in the worrllddd. AND YES WE SHALL BE OKAYY INSHALLAH WHATEVER SHIT COMES BY WE ARE GOING TO BEAT IT UP TOGETHER HEHAHAHA
Goof aside,,,snif huggglesss, youve helped me more then u can ever imagine hunbun and today in the present we live in rn, you make me so happy....haha i guess what we all need in the end is someone to be there during the time we let our emotions out thru,
i had warned ye, my emotions was a dam bursting, yet u still pushed, just cuz you had an inkling that something may be wrong and that was the nicest thing anyone has ever ddone for me, because after the water receded and died down, you were still there, despite all my stupidness and stuborness, chappal in hand ready to beat down any doubts i had that all that time i was alone.
“Dont you want to be saved” is something u said to me which i stil replay all the time you probably dont remember fish hmph
and i love u for that and that is soemthing i can never repay hunbun so u have me for life too, cuz u give this stupid useless life of mine a reason to wake up in the morning and u help me in more ways u can imagine, platonic soulmates for life zuzuzuzuz my love
I LOVE UU
im not alone heheh i have u u u u
u iz some one who has proved that u wont leave me ever
and you are someone i will always give my all to. So we gonna be okay, we shall always be there to support each other ;;; oka? promise? hugggles
we are bonded now naaa
stop making me cry im gonna beat u up hmph
4 notes • Posted 2021-09-05 19:59:03 GMT
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Saturday, June 19 2021
I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.
My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning
Hes so hot tho oh. My god.
Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.
Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.
We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.
Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables
I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢
I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.
3:38 p.m. sat june 19th
I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil
Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.
I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(
Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(
Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.
The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.
But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.
I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.
Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/
I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))
Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.
I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡
UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet
I'm definently over my cal limit today...
Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.
Jeez, its raining out.
And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.
Its 4:11 p.m. now.
Its now 7:56 p.m.
I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.
Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.
Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻♂️ whatcha gonna do.
Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.
Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?
I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:
1. I cant
2. I don't trust it
Anwyays yeah.
My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.
ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.
Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.
My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.
Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.
Whatever. I'll sort it out.
My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.
Something. Which isnt nothing.
But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"
THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.
But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad. But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.
Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.
I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.
Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.
Urgency.
I have a lot of stuff to do.
Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.
I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.
Regret from my binge... I better get home.
You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.
Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.
Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...
I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.
Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.
But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?
I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT
I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time
1. Sucking dick
2. having MY junk sucked
3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)
So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.
He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.
THATS HOT ISNT IT.
I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.
But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...
I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.
So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.
But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.
but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.
I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...
That's my plan, anyways.
I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.
I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING
Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.
I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.
Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.
Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.
I can sorta say whatever I'd like.
It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.
I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.
Maybe I am in love double.
Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.
DAMN.
Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.
Then I'll update yall.
11:51 p.m.
Hey guys I'm back with an update.
I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking about random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.
I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.
I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.
I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.
Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?
Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(
I dont want him to lose interest in me though.
.... its 1:56 a.m.
Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.
Goodnight, tumblr.
-Jude
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you know, i had a totk thought (uh oh)
soemthign thats really bothering me about the whole "actually, ganondorf didnt like the guy appearing out of nowhere marrying a hylian and just saying yep das our kingdom now and we can mine it barren under your nose and also i got laserbeam pebbles that i totally wont ever use on anyone come join me or die just bc of all of that but mainly bc the guy brought some weird tech with him that he dont like" - thing is that ......... we see almost not a single tech thing in the past
(and for that matter see nothing of the oh so perfect and peaceful paradise hyrule was before big evil desert man didnt want to join our paradise- like what is the point about making the whole point of the game be -we need to restore hyrule to this paradise it once was- when you dont even see it or get to care about anything of it)
it might sound like a weird hangup but no really, the most we see is like two servant constructs, thats it, when they 'prepare for war' im pretty sure all you see is some lightly dressed ( ... is it just me or does their whole get up look alot like native american/other indingenous people too ... i still dont know how to feel about that- kinda adjacent to some of the sonau armor, the battery one i think??, also having that look...) hylians with spears, where the heck is all that tech?? is it implied to be all down in the mines hollowing out the underground (for no real reason either bc .... theres only two sonau left and no one else seems to want use nor need the tech otherwise there should have been more traces or soemthing left of it -unless it all just magically appeared out of nowhere in mostly prime condition while all shiekah tech jsut vaporized for bs non reasons just for it to be in tha game but oh dont you see its always been there lmao- so whats the point really????)
or up in the sky as most battle constructs are and they cant get them down in time bc *gestures vaguely*
or is it intentionally kept out of view bc idk seeing an army of robots on raurus side he can send out on a whim might not make him look as oh so good and perfect as they want him to look when he already got laserbeam pebbles (most of which hes been hoarding until ONE falls into hands not under his control) ??
like it just ... feels weird?? so many battle constructs that can even be a threat to link are jsut fully functioning strolling around in the present still, why wouldnt you want to use any of them to battle gan and if they DID why wouldnt you show that (no the 3 second unicorn cutscene doesnt count bc its just .. gan and his monsters isnt it) ??
(also ... why isnt there a big like battle ground , like fine you dont have to animate an army of monsters and robots clashing but... wouldnt it be cool to have you discover a giant flat plain in the underground (that magically got put under ground like gan just decided to stroll down there to get sealed lol) and its the only mostly empty field in the game littered with thousands of monster bones and dead constructs intermingled?? just to give it all a bit of weight?? evidence that it happened?? cool ass discovery????)
(also also i cannot let go of ganondorf apparently being sooooo anti tech but then clamgan uses the shiekah stuff??? shouldnt he also be against that then or is that suddendly fine bc- oh woops sorry, forgot clamgan is actually just something, not connected to gan at all actually, i mean why else would miasma turn into malice only to turn into miasma again haha none of that is connected actually what is a calamity anyway?
also im sorry to bring this up again but i just cannot let go of the ppl in the present being so obsessed with using sonau tech in every part of their life now- they just lived through an apocalypse of a barely understood strange tech but CLEARLY this other even less understood strang tech is not dangerous at all lets make CARS OUT OF IT and what theres no danger in miasma and that tech existing at the same time LIKE SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE THAT IDK SEEMS LIKE A BAD COMBO--- oh sorry forgot that ceased to exist in both the world and peoples minds for *gestures vaguely* plot reasons- why why why are monsters mining the sonanium?? they dont even work with the yiga no that is also completely disconnected we dont wanna draw and interesting connections after all- whats the point if it means nothing but to be a loot box for the player-- actually, so much of totk is just a so built around throwing you into a box of toys with no substance to it- listen i know games are kinda like toys but if it doesnt make sense and offers you nothing interesting to think about even slightly whAT IS THE POINT)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#totk#like not to make myself sound like a better writer ............ BUT#in my rewrite rauru does that also to suck the life out of the desert more and more to force the gerudo to be depended on their trade#to both pressure them and force them better into submission#bc of the whole plot point (in my rewrite) that rauru came from the underground with his dying people bc they discovered warnings of old#about the king of a deserts nation becoming a horrible world destryoing monster and so plotting with sonia to get gan secretly sealed#and by doing that rauru seals his own fate (rauru dies and its his stone that gets taken) like the fairytale prophecy thing making people-#-do exactly what leads to it while trying to avoid it#bc gan finds out and plots against it#-ANYWAY#when i see other people talk i need to talk again even if i make little sense
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Part 1: Hi, im 21 and have written to you a few times for variations of the same kind of issue. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and for my whole life have only had crushes on guys I thought were out of my league, constantly chasing guys that clearly don’t like me or value me. I’d get the guy, always did, but for only a short amount of time, maybe a couple dates or 1 or 2 hangouts and that’s always been it. After every time it leaves me feeling worthless and then I beat myself up over feeling that
Continued: Part 2:I’m being dramatic. I know this all sounds silly but I do get anxiety over certain things and I’ve come to realize area of my life brings the most anxiety, and can really take over my mind, I really don’t handle rejection and I take it extremely personally. Last month I was told by a guy I was talking to that “the spark between us is gone” while we were hooking up, and he said we can just be friends, and let me walk out of his life and never contacted me again (though, I said not to)Part 3:after months of leading me on. It hurt so bad and since this is all I’ve ever known, I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with me. It’s crazy to think I have social anxiety as I value the opinions of others (especially guys I think are too good for me or don’t like me) because im a pretty social person and have a lot of close friends. Before this guy, there was another guy who id chase and didn’t stop persuing him until I starting seeing the other. And before that one, I was hurtPart 4:over being ghosted by my biggest crush, for a year.. I let it bother me for one whole YEAR. A year of posting snapchats and wanting him to see it, wanting him to like my photos, wanting to bump into him, etc. this sounds so silly as I’m typing it and I know it is all so ridiciulous. After these rejections I sit and analyze every little thing I’ve said or could have done differently, even analyzing my body at different angles and little stuff like that. I used to think feeling this hurtPart 5:was part of life, as people come and go, , and I really thought these were some type of heartbreak but now I’m realizing its coming from a place of low confidence, cause its not like I “miss” these guys I was never really close with them.. its how they made me feel that hurts.. I don’t have any self love… I’m tired of feeling not good enough, that I don’t deserve or wont get what I want in life like getting married or being at peace. I don’t know if this is a phase and I know there arePart 6: good days. But im tired of attracting people who don’t care about me. Its crazy because I logically know all of these guys arent anything special to me, I know deep down I didn’t genuinely click with them, so why am I so crushed when they reject me? And im not lonely, I don’t need a boyfriend in my life, I have a lot of family and friends and other things going for me.. I just don’t think I can handle all this negative self talk and all these negative beliefs about relationships,Part 7:, it really affects my day to day. It seems as though everyone is able to find someone that wants them and I’m just either wanted for sex or the guy gets to know me and realizes I’m not worth dating. It makes me feel so low. I know im a good person and my close friends and family all come to me for advice and support. I know I have things to offer and it just really crushes me when someone cant see my worth, it makes me so anxious. Another issue is that these guys whose opinions I care abPart 8:Another issue is that these guys whose opinions I care about are always guys who I think are out of my league, are popular, good looking, cool and im just setting myself up to feel inferior. Im the first to reject a nice guy who isnt very attractive to me, and ive been told im extremely picky and been told I was superficial as well. I feel like a bad person. Why cant I look for a boyfriend in the same way I look for a friend? Someone who makes me feel good, someone I connect with, someonepart 9: someone I connect with, someone who values me? I have such amazing friends and family but horrible taste in men. I just want someone I both connect with AND who I think highly of? What would you do if you were me? A year ago I did therapy for 3 or 4 sessions and I don’t know if it was the therapist I didn’t click with, but I stopped bc I thought I was wasting money. Sometimes I think I need help, other times I think time will pass and ill get over the rejection. But I think the problempart 10:is deeper as I feel way too harshly affected by whats going on. 2018 has been horrible and each day is filled with HOURS of worrying. I feel like all I do is worry. Even before that rejection last month, while we were still talking, I just felt like shit the whole time and didn’t feel worthy, felt like I had to compete for his attention constantly, and I found it hard to be myself. Its funny because in the beginning when he was chasing me,I wasn’t sure if I liked him. It was when hepart 11: [not sure where I left off]…2018 has been horrible and each day is filled with HOURS of worrying. I feel like all I do is worry. Even before that rejection last month, while we were still talking, I just felt like shit the whole time and didn’t feel worthy, felt like I had to compete for his attention constantly, and I found it hard to be myself. Its funny because in the beginning when he was chasing me, I wasn’t sure if I liked him. It was when he started noticeably talking to andpart 12:and taking out other girls that I felt crushed and felt the need to prove myself. And this has happened all of high school and with every guy ive talked to. I feel like im not enoguh and I have to do soemthing for someone to like me, instead of just being myself. Will this get better? Will I ever be confident? I feel like my insecurities are so strong that im driving away a lot of guys, and I feel like as I get older im just getting more anxious about this whole idea because most peoplepart 13:because most people have been with someone before. I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous or stupid, and you can say if these fears are dramatic or irrational. Maybe its because I feel that I have most of what I need in life (family, friends, money, health) and this is just an unknown area and therefore brings me a lot of anxiety. Any advice would help, this felt good to write down so thanks for reading all of this.
Jennie: After answering this ask and this ask, I don’t think I have much more advice to give. Your fears ARE dramatic and irrational, but so are the fears of anyone who has some kind of anxiety disorder, and it’s not helpful or realistic to tell yourself or anyone else to just ‘stop being irrational’. If you’re worrying for hours every day, then I think it’s important that you seek professional help for your anxiety. Talk to your doctor, or contact mental health services, charities or therapists in your area.
I think you should give therapy another try. The therapist you had before might not have been a good fit for you, or maybe the type of therapy you were receiving wasn’t a good fit for you, or maybe you had unrealistic expectations of how therapy would help you (3-4 sessions should be enough to feel like it’s helpful, but 3-4 sessions is not going to completely solve your problems or ‘cure’ you - therapy can be a long and difficult process, and requires work on your part as well). It might take a few tries before you find a therapist who suits you, but I think it’s important to keep trying. This is your health, and your life, after all, and it’s important to learn to manage your anxiety so that you can keep living your life without constant worry.
#advice#ask me anything#anxiety#single#self esteem#relationships#mental health#advice blog#advice column#askjennie
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Building Blockages of Life 12/9-12/10
The block: the empress
I feel like this is something thats just looming over me. A resurgence? Maybe an another level in awakening. Theres scales here twice.
This resurgence will take some time. This coming into greater awareness. Honestly right now I do feel like...empty. I feel cut off lowkey. But Im not. It just feels quiet. And it was a bit difficult to read...ugh I feel liek crying.
But this wont last forever. I have to learn something...the weight of the crown(?). It sounds so self righteous but idk wat better way to explain it.
Why is the block here: justice
It feels more like a rewiring of energy. Of essences rather. Learning more of my own truth. It has to do with soemthing ive been carrying around for a long time. A truth that is no longer true? A story that is no longer true. Be wary of words that destroy the spirit.
What I can do: king of swords rx (5 of wands)
Dont let my mind start flying off the handle. "You dont have control of your mind?" Dont try to understand every little thing. This is something your mind cant comprehend. Too big. My mind affects my energy. Reign it in.
Advice: king of cups rx (8of wands)
Let go and surrender to the great wave.
The moons message, for everything you see there are 10000 more unseen. Theres more than what meets the eye.
Relax.
Its quiet now for good reason. When it does come back, it will be stronger than ever. We want to make sure you can handle it. Understand what youre leaving behind and what youre moving forward to. Understand these differences. Balancing them and choosing which path you want to take. Its always been up to you.
This crown is His Gift to You.
Leadership, ownership, sovereignty over your life.
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#hermetic tarot#i think thats why im so touched by those movies#they lowkey reminded me of my own life#taking responsibility#spiritual journey
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my ocean,
here is the cancer story. in the raw but for you. i love you my ocean.
I was afraid of my own words, my own thoughts, the things I would create. Afraid they would not be the fairy tale that I wanted life to be.
And I kept running away from all of it. Even saying to myself that you cannot run awayf rom yourself because yourself is still there. And yet I ekpt doing it.
It was what I knew. Was how I raised. “wake up baby. It is time to go”
Embracing the gypsy bohemian life followed a path that at times was a path of thorns. But still I refused to do anything believing it that who is I am. That is the only thing I would ever know.
I was afraid and I kept running.
Until I could no longer run. I finally had to face myself because myself was dying. One of the most terrifying experiences of my life. When I say that I am not sure if I mean myself or the cancer. There are times I believe it was the same thing.
But I had to decide which way I wanted to go.
It got to a point that all I did was lay in the air stream covered in sweat taking 18 medications that really were not working on masking things and consatntly covered in sweat and crying.
I would wake up by the toilet becuasthe cancer would trigger the fibormyalgia and they would dance with one another, my mind and body being their dance floor.Ro keep curling into a ball doing nothing and feeling worse and worse everyday. The fibromyalgia making every thought like another nail in a coffin that I was treating like my bed.
The cancer in me felt like I was constantly unclean. I would sit for hours in a tub as hot as I could stand trying to sweat out a feeling that would just not go away.
The world to me was a shadow that was slowly creeping around me. No light. Nothing looked beautiful Finding happiness was like pulling teeth. So stopped looking for it.
One ngith I woke up next to the toilet laying in my own vomit. I automatially reached for a pain killer to hopefully give me some sort of relief if only for a moment and the boy in me screamed at the top of his lungs.
“No!!!!. This is it. I did not survive everything we went through just to die here on the foor because you wont get the fuck up. Get! The! Fuck! Up!”
That boy. That boy was my voice of reason. The boy iwas ahsamed of. Wanted to go away. At times I ahted. Was now the one thing that actually made me stop and stare at the bottle. Stare at the vomit on the floor. Look up on the shelf at all the medications. All the empty bottles everywhere. And I looked around the airstream and realzied it was becoming my tomb. And it was starting to smell like a tomb.
Aside from my smell of sick and sweat. The sink was full of dishes that I would not clean. The trash cans were full and were stinking. I didnt even bother washign my clothes. What was the point it was just me. No one would smell me. I was fucking dying.
As long as no one saw mne die there really wouldnt much of a problem.
And that boy saved me. After so many years I began to lsiten to him again. He was the survivor in me. He was the one that never gave up. He was the one that was my strength. My words.
I heard him whisper very getnly in me like he was talking to a scared child, “fidn the desire to create soemthing beautiful from so much pain. Do something good. Get up. You can do this.”
The next morning I dumped the bottle of vicodin down the toilet. I had to eigteen medicatiosn to quit and I was starting with pian killers first.
I slowlt wlaked out to the dead end like a zombie finding brains and looked own our dead end road, heard the boy in me smile and took a breath and said, “ok. Here we go.”
In the beginning I said if I could make it to the neighbors without passing out or puking I was doing great. The neighbor lived twenty yards away ish.
The first day I made it halfway there before I was throwing up in the ditch. I cralwed home crying and screaming tried to sleep.
Four hours after throwing my vicodin away I began to hate my decision and reached for an oxycontin.
“no!!!!” the boy screamed.
I slowly slid the bottle back. I went until that ngiht before the pain was too much and I wanted to die.
The next day I said the same thing.
Make it to the neighbors without puking.
I made it to the neighbors then puked. I stumbled and crawled back home tried to sleep four hours later with no sleep I reached for the oxycontin and again the boy screamed inside me wemt home and cried and slept all day.
The next day. Five more feet. The day after that even further.
On day three the withdrawals began and my nightmares had just begun.
This is when it was time to face the me that I had ran from all those years because it started to come in the ngithamres, the withdrawals the sahkes. It was my own living hell that I ahd created and now laid in a bed and want4ed to die but the boy refused to et that happen.
I was so alone. I would not go back gome to my friends I would not let them know what I was going through I ket my family at a distance. I had seen what cancer had doen tot hsoe around you it is almost harder for them tht is you because they feel so helpless at times and you just keep getting sick.
I. Was. Alone. And it was my choice. The boy was going to do this.
I needed soemthing just to talk to I needed touch. I am a hapless romantic at heart. I believe in energy. I believe in touch in all of it is various forms.
So I searched for the animal that called to me. I rescueda cat.
I answered an in a the local paper. I woma ran sort of a rescued cat thing out of her house.
I arrived told her my story and why I wanted the cat and she smiled, wiped tearsf rom her eyes and smiled, “i have your cat.” She took me to a backroom wehre there was a cat laying looking out the window. He was missing his tail, he just had a surgery from a broken leg, he had a chewed up ear and ;ppled at me blinked then rolled onto his abck for me to rub his belly.
He was definitly my cat.
I took him back tot he trailer, named him muse he we healed together.
Muse had to stay inside until he is leg healed. During the day he laid on me and sletp as I shivered convulsed and went through withdrawals.
If I ahd ro puke he would lay next to me at the toilet. Urr and ut a little paw n me.
At ngiht he wanted to go out and paced back and forth in the airstream. With hi bad leg there was a consatnt thump thump and this melodic purr click he did wanting me to let him out.
That purr click became what I focused on.
It became my music to get through the night.
Becasue the nights were horrible.
When he was able to walk ilet him out and he roamed the hillside charming the entire neighborhd. The entire road knew my story. Knew muses story and hwy I ahd bought him. And they would give me courage and keep an eye as I walked and healed. Muse following nehind me until he got the to the curve nefore the braidge. Dogs. And he would sit and wiat for me.
This went on for three months. In two or three days I would kick a medication move on to another one, move further on down the road until I finally made it to the end of the road and our bridge.
Once again a bridge in my life became a my savior. We lived on a dead end road and there was hardly any traffic. The bridge was where I would stop sometimes puke, but do it with hapiiness and smile that once again I made it to the bridge and all I ahd towas make it home.I would My
I also began to dance. Well attempt to dance.
I danced. And anced and danced. Ar first just in the airstream and only a step or two and then I would need the trash can or sink to puke.
I love dancing. My mom taught me and it was one fothe things we did together nad every time we did it was our happy place. A happy place among a chaos we had created and could not get away from.
And I rememebr that. Remebered the happy places that we really did not have many of, but the ones we did were so special to me.
I started filming myself to see hpw bad was. I wanted to see the enemy and I wanted him to defeat.
At the third motnhs I quit all meds. I was offically cancer free. And as I wlaked down the brdige I bgean to dance as well.
I was alive and I was doing this. I was coming back. I danced like I had never danced before. Headphones on I sang at the top of my lunf=gs and anced when the nighbors drove by singing to them with a smile as I kept walking down the road.
All the while muse was next to me.
I was so overwhelemed with life that I was that guy that go would say with a big smile “look a tree! My god that is the msot beauitful tree ever !! Air. Gof this air is so wonderful”
And my neighbors put upw ith it and cheered me on.
I believed I was immortal. And the wrold was mine
Then I got cancer a second time.
It ahd went form my thyroid to tmy lymphnodes and this time around cancer was pissed I ahd said I ahd kicked its ass and celebrated and this time around iw was ready and it was fight.
Again felt that darkness in me that feeling diry and the boy and I both said “nO!!!!”
All did was dance and walk write and paint trying to create everythin beautiful I possibly could from thais fucking apin.
It got to the poitn that I felt safe walking off of our dead end road and to down the highway through the redwoods eventually making it to the two and half mile geeral store.
And again I danced. I daned and daneced ans sang as cars passed by me. At first thinking I was a madman. Ut after awhile cheering me on and some people even stopping and telling me how seeing me dance every morning made theor day better.
And then I knew I was doing some good. Not just for but for tohers.
This went on for three months. In two or three days I would kick a medication move on to another one, move further on down the road until I finally made it to the end of the road and our bridge.
Once again a bridge in my life became a my savior. We lived on a dead end road and there was hardly any traffic. The bridge was where I would stop sometimes puke, but do it with hapiiness and smile that once again I made it to the bridge and all I ahd towas make it home.I would My
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on wanting
ive thrown myself into a real bad loop the last month. it peaked after my first therapy session in 5 years.
ive had a lot of bad episodes the last couple of months. and not just bad because i have a girlfriend who will notice how bad it is, instead of just me - really truly bad, because it would go on for about a week before i calmed down. lots of nights where i went to bed at 10pm only to sleep at 2am because i cant stop crying
a lot of what ive cried about has to do with soemthing i keep circling back to: the pain and glory of wanting things. i want so many things i dont think i have, or should have, or should get. i want things because other people want them or have them. i want things because i simply want them, but think it a waste of time for me to try and get what i want. so i suffer because i forbid myself from wanting things. the evaluation of whether i deserve something or not, and whether i already have what i want, is heavily distorted, and thats something im working on, but not the issue im talking about.
most of what i want is what a 5 year old would want. a very selfish, spoiled 5 year old who hasnt grasped the concept of selflessness, abundance, and independence. thinking about what i want makes me feel ashamed, because theyre either things other people already have, or seem to get so easily, or something people tell me i already have but i cant see at all that i do. this is a hard thing to read, let alone write. i feel selfish and confusing. but the crux is understanding how i must change what value i attribute to the things i want - because that is where my pain comes from.
im attempting, without judgment, to list what i want here, everything ive wanted in the last couple of months, some ive wanted for years:
to have a close group of friends
to be loved and cared for by many
to not feel lonely
to freely do what i want
to be responsible for myself, my cats, and my things only
to be beautiful and charming
to be stronger and mentally resilient
to be a kind and good person
when i write it down like this, similar to when i tell my girlfriend about it, all of these sound so simple and easy. how could i be in pain wanting any of this? whats the big deal about wanting any of these things?
i know my pain comes from my distorted thinking. i dont think i have anyone i can trust and rely on apart from my partner. not my family, not any of my friends. i dont consider many of my friends “friends”. i know its because i have ridiculous standards for who i consider my friends. i know the reaosn im hard to love and like is because im so distant, and when anyone gets close to me i lash out, and im always flaming with anger, and my tongue is always too sharp. im bristly, but i get hurt that people dont want to be close to me as i want them to. i want people to be close to me but i dont communicate it, because i feel ashamed and selfish, and because i also think that people shouldnt get close to me, for their own good. i want to be beautiful and charming because i am simply not. it brings me pain because in my head, i am alone and i am lonely because i am not beautiful or charming. in my head, my fantasy is becoming a loveable, popular person, because then i would never be alone. there would always be someone with me and vying for my attention. i would always be showered with praise and love and care and protection. the same reason i want to be stronger, and wiser, because then people can come to me and trust me to look after them. because right now i cant. i only take and take and take from them: time and attention. i dont know how to give back. anything i give back is not good enough. i will never be kind or good, because i am fundamentally an evil person. i am shameless and selfish and only always think of myself. my brain tells me i only ever want people who can give me things, and if they cant, then they wont be important to me. my braint ells me i only use people, and this is why i should remain alone, because its better for everyone. my brain tells me no matter how much i teach myself how to be good, i wont, because being a bad, selfish, evil, greedy person is in my dna. im wired like this. the just thing to do is to keep myself away from people to minimise hurt.
the matter is not whether that paragraph is true or based on evidence. thats something im working on with my therapist. finding evidence to what is the case. thats not the matter right now.
the matter is that, everything i wrote above, no matter how true or untrue, is how i feel. it is my reality. i can deny it and work towards changing my reality. but if ive accepted that this is my world, i feel deeply in my heart that no matter what i do to change and improve myself, my world will remain the same. i will remain the same.
i am not smart enough to come up with a remedy for myself. i can only come up with relief. and what ive accepted to be relief in the most just and compassionate way is to accept that that is my reality, and thats alright. that i should not want more than what i have, because it is futile to want more. if i ever want anything, i should want for other people, or want things that would benefit other people. if i want for myself, it will only end in grief and disappointment. i will end up crying again and humiliating myself. i must want good things, and just things. i need to stop thinking that my life isnt worth living just because i dont get the freedom i want. i need to be okay with my life if it stays the way it is - where i feel alone, so so alone and lonely, and that i have no one to turn to, except for my girlfriend, if i am in pain. i need to be okay and functional that i do not depend on my girlfriend. i need to accept that i could be like this my whole life, no matter how much i try to change, and i need to be okay with it.s o i dont get disappointed.
it doesnt mean to stop trying, or to stop improving. its just htat, contrary to what most people say about people with mental health problems - its easier, and better, to be motivated to get better for the sake of others instead of yourself. if i want for my sake, im letting people down, and i will let myself down in the end.
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Its really hard to not fucking reach out for validation. I know i wont get it and i knwo thathg litteraly everyone who spoke to me these past couple of days will not get what im trying to say anyway.
The gardest part is that I tried ti acknowledge them and to validate their feelings. I felt like they all made some valid points. I was obly hitting up my one friend when i needed aomething, but prior to getting to that point i tried to be a real friend to her. I really thought we had something real. She completely disproved all of that though. Leading with "i know we arent good friends" i guess we werent really.
When i was suicidal I didnt feel like I could confide in her. I didnt feel like they would care or understand. I hadd tried to tell them i wasnt ok but they just... disregarded the emotions. Every time i tried to talk they walked away from the conversation. If it got heavy at all they didnt want to have it.
So I jsut stopped trying.
I guess i dok nt really know how to be a friend to someone. She said you were always kind but thats not a friendship. I thought thats exactly what a friendship is. Your kind to each other, you laugh with each other and you seek each other out over other people because you like each other. I dont aprticularly like people. I cant spend much time with anyone or i get overwhelmed with all of their emotional bullshit, but i try to be as good a friend as i can.
But really... i dont want friends. Ive never had them for any amount of time. Ive never had anyone that ever wanted to stick around for more than a year or two.
Up until tuesday I had four exceptions to that reality.
Now i just have one.
I think its funny that she looked over my other friends shoulder saw her name and just fucking ran with it. I wasumping her into a category but she decide di was talking dhit about her behind her back. I think thats such a fucking childish notion.
Soemthing shes super fucking agressive about but i happen to know she does all the time. And whats even funnier... I wasmt tlaking shit. God. I just hate that its considered that to ever even mention anothe rperson i must be a shit talker.
Is it shit talking when jts truth? When its just mentioning someone? When its barely even a thing? She just fucking took off with it and fucking ran away
She shamed me as well. And she doubted me
If you were suicidal....
Not if, nah, i was suicidal.
Verything about this stupidity is in the phrasing. If i was suicidal. The fact thay i didnt like you game didnt mean that i didnt like you. No it qas all in the way that you went about telling me how much you ficning hated it. The entire time we playe dit. You fucking belitted and put it down. You treated thw game like it was the biggest waste of your time.
Im sorry that i tried to do somethi g fun instead of fucking sitting in a tiny ass room getting fucking wasted.
I think its important to be realistic about what and who upset you. Which is why i said you and her when speaming to my first friend about all of this.
What frustraits me the most is that Chanda assaulted me verbally so quicy and entirely that i didnt even get to rpocess what i had said to aubrey or what she had responded with. It became a out Chanda and the chip on her shoulder.
I realky dont want to talk to her again but i also hate the way that it was left. The totality of how little she acknowledged my pain.
Nd yet i know i hit a lot of nerves. I have to remember thag. I hit nerves and thats why she blew up the way she did. It was really clear by how agressive and falsely nice she was being from begining to end. It was clear to me that she was absolitely fucking furious with me. I dont think it qas so much with me but her own inability to acknowledge her fualta.
No one wants to think that them spending 3 hours belittling a game is going to damage someones fucking heart as much as it can. When something is am extension of yourself and someone steps all over it its fucking hard to feel anything except stupid for trying to include anyone in your stuff.
And when every time you end up hanging out with someone its only because you reached out to them, you took the time to talk to them. Or they happened to be soemwhere you ended up. They never try so of course you focus on what you can get from them instead of what you can give them. When your already doing everything you can...
I see it all over the place in my world. Ive got so few people that actually reach out. Just the one, really. She texts me i text her, we call each other. Sometimes we go weeks without talking but it doesnt bother me cuz i onow that shes busy or im busy or whatever.
Ive done three experiments with those other three friends to see how long it would take for them to message me first. Every time i ended up being the one to reach out.
When in a room together i tried to communicait and i tried to be open ut i meber felt heard. And clearly i wasnt because my feels came as a total shock when revealed.
I was the only person activy trying to be a friend. And maybe thats ebcause my biew of friendhaip amd their view of friendship are different from mine but these are new a bounderies that i am trying to fucning establishm bounderies so i dont feel used and ignored and otherwise mistrwated by my friends.
I want to feel ehard by them. I want to be able to have real conversatuons with them about anythjng and everything. I dont want to feel like they are belittling me about tje things i like. I want to get text messages like the ones i send. I want to have open and valuable communication. I want truat. I want people to understand the different between talking shit and establishing a pattern and getting advice.
I dont want to feel so cornered that i get viscious if they are someone i care about. I do not like that i have been pushed into being viscious thia week ebcause i like to be mean and when i release that person she takes ober and she is a truely cruel human being with mor egard for anyones emotiona. I like her because shes firm and shes realistic and shes gets shit done ut ahe also kind of scares me and she ruins my hard work....
Of courae if i would just let her take the reigns i might actually be out of my situation by now knstead of circling the suicidal drain off and on for the last 6 years....
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i got a few things on my mind , idk maybe i should let it out , i should really stop stalking trcy , it aint doing me any good sneaking thru her profile and trying to compare myself to her , i mean it doesnt make sense , its the past , people really dont think about their past like that right ?
i mean looks are a big thing but theyre not everything , and if i think that i need to match my looks to her to keep bryan stuc to me , then hes not the one for me , so i guess the uglier i get and as logn as he stays , i uess i know then that he loves me but i mean , there is the downside that ill get uglier , i digress ... i have a tiny feeling , that his breakup with her wasnt so long ago , well at leat not as long as he gives it to be . he says its been a year but like i think la that he might have been with her during like feb ish last year , cause like them pictures i see his car and stuff , anyways it dont matter , its a small detail but its not really wrong i guess feb to this jan is about a year , damn my tum is rubbling . how ong more do i need to suffer wtf , it feels hella weird , i feel like im in aliens and an alien is just gonna eat my stomach from the inside , we went to play ps4 today , it was fun , real fun . when im with him , i cant stop staring at him , it really sometimes feels like im staringat him for the first and last time and im just drinking in evry detail , i could listen to him talk for hours and not get jaded
but when im not with him , sometimes i just overthink . maybe moving in with him might even be a good idea , but i dont know if wed both want it tho , it seems scary but hes my best fwen and i dont mind spending all my time with him , just dont want him to get bored of me i guess , idk why im so afraid of loosing him , i thn because its been a long time since i felt so , at home , so in love , lie my heart is connected to this human and i dont want it to stop , idk im being super exxaggerated ,
i can go on about this bitch . hes passionate , when i see him work its hella cute because hes just doing him and being a total nerd whcih is cute as fuck , he dreams big and i wanna suceed with him , i never wanna hold him back but be by his side , succeed together , it aint that hard i guess considering we lie the same shitt , its cute that we do , i guess i kinda click more with people that are in the same feild , tho soem pople might think that if you were different people youd have toa lot to talk about , i mean its true , but i see his vision and hopefully he sees mine , at least i wanna see mine first , god knows what my vision is
i wanna do well so bad , i wanna be successful , cause i really idk , i might maybe wanna have a family and if that happens , well i only want them to have the best , and for me too , i dont wanna be working from hand to mouth just so my kids can live a mediocre life , theyd be spoilt as fuck tho but idk ,it might help . kids are a crazzy thing but i thin ill be a great mother if i ever was one ,
idk what other thoughts i have , ill proly sleep r soemthing , i wanna get back into music dude i swear , but yeah conclusion is , someday might need to just cut out stalking tracy then maybe i wont overthink cause im done innit
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