#its been like a year since that so whatever im still just recovering from how embarrassing that is.. childs play vaguing . | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

altermay · 5 months

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Tw/ transphobia, discussions of dysphoria, brief mention of suicide, descriptions of child abuse

Getting unbearable. Feeling sick. Started working to afford hormones only to find out the service that is most accessible to me (plume) doesnt offer T in alabama anymore due to changing laws. Fuck all these stupid politicians putting their noses in others lives.

Thought people at work wouldnt make a super huge deal, as I was selective with who I told, so i thought maybe I could hold out a bit longer and at least i wouldnt have to feel so dysphoric all the time, since all my coworkers knew me as Monte. But then instead of my name, people who would usually call anyone else by their name started calling me “Miss” and “maam”

Even the ones I had come out to, and even the ones who told me they were accepting.

Whatever, im from a small rural area, so transphobia is not new to me, what is new to me, however, is being openly trans in an unfamilliar environment. I thought I could start T quickly and maybe people would ever forget that im trans in the first place, but now its been so long.

Some people call me He, and use the right pronouns, but increasingly lately Ive received a myriad of transphobia.

Being called tranny loudly while my coworker kicks my broom as I try to sweep (kicking hard enough for the broom to almost leave my hands and hit another person behind me) , Getting called “it” behind my back. Stuff like this is becoming more common.

The two coworkers who called me it, have been spreading lies about my work performance these past five days, Ive been told my three different people that every time I leave to go do something they start talking badly of me. So I got to my breaking point, at this point it had nothing to do with the pronouns, I was just upset that two forty+ year old adults were purposefully making my job harder to do while I was also struggling with a ton of other stuff (ptsd, seasonal depression, a family members recent suicide) and so I couldnt stop crying.

Despite this situation having nothing to do with me being trans, they are now trying to spread the narrative that Im just being sensitive because they were misgendering me while they were borderline bullying me.

If I was not trans, people would take me seriously on these issues. But now, because I am upset, suddenly Im just a stereotype. A sensitive trans person who is offended because someone used the wrong pronouns a few times.

I will be one to say, I do not give a SHIT about my pronouns. Ive been called the wrong ones my whole life by a majority of people. That was never the issue. But because Im trans, that is the only issue people can perceive for me to have. The ONE issue I had with them regarding my pronouns was them calling me “it” and thats not because its the wrong pronoun, thats because its DEHUMANIZING.

But now I have other coworkers who know NOTHING about the situation saying shit like “well if she claims shes a man maybe she should suck it up” “well if she wants to be seen as a man maybe she shpuld cut her hair”

Fuck you. How about YOU get beaten for 17 years, YOU watch your siblings get beaten near to death for 17 years. YOU have flashbacks of things you dont understand all day every day and we will see how fucking well youre able to “suck it up” you are WEAK. YOU ARE ALL WEAK. And you dont know what its like to be me. My mother tried to kill me. My mother almost killed my sister, I was neglected, never went to a doctor, and I STILL dont know how to take care of myself. And I still havent recovered all of the memories.

Ive had SHORT HAIR ive had LONG HAIR Ive had a MOHAWK, ive had a BUZZCUT ive been BALD. And people STILL fucking saw me as a woman. Im tired of conforming to this bullshit just so people can treat me the same as they always do

Fun fact though, since Ive had long hair Ive been gendered correctly by strangers MORE than I have with ANY OTHER HAIR STYLE.

These stupid fucking transphobes and their stupid fucking stereotypes im so fucking sick of it all. And corporate wont do anything about it, Im sure of this.

Why is it so hard for me to just live my fucking life.

Im so sick of it all

#vent #tw vent #tw transphobes #transphobes #transphobia #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #abuse #child abuse #neglect #tw abuse

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angel-eyes05 · 1 year

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i remember his hands - chapter 4

PAIRING: kang the conqueror x fem!reader

SUMMARY: after a scientific experiment goes horribly wrong, you've been transported to the quantum realm and have been stuck there for the past decade. with no company, aside from janet van dyne, your life changes forever when a mysterious man in a golden ship crash lands next to your settlement. startled with his initial presence, you two have a rocky start. but as time goes on, you two find each other slowly drawn to one another. you have secrets though, and he has a past he refuses to bring up. can you two make it through navigating an unknown world together, discovering any ulterior motives, and stand the test of time in a place where time has no meaning at all?

INFO: slow romantic burn, pretty fast sexual burn, kinda enemies to lovers????, takes place during that little flashback janet has during quantumania, idk how accurate this is gonna be to canon stuff cause i get very confused about the quantum realm lol, reader is in mid to late 20s while kang is in his “early 30s” (ik he like technically doesn't age or whatever idk the lore but i just made it accurate to jonathan majors age and wanted to give an accurate age range/gap/count), y/n will be very fleshed out like im gonna give her everything lol

WARNING: explicit language (sexual and verbal), smut, p in v unprotected (stay safe people), a little angsty, he’s being nice to her awwwwww

CHAPTER WORD COUNT: 2.7k

NOTES: OMG IM SORRY THIS IS COMING SO LATE!!! its kinda coming from the mix of being really busy this past week and not knowing what to write lol so again, sorry

PREVIOUS PART

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Saying you were furious with Kang was an understatement. Although at this point, you were more upset with yourself for giving into it that easily. You hadn’t even had a full conversation with him and you had sex with him. Honestly, you should’ve seen it coming. That was what upset you the most. You knew exactly what would come of it, and you did it anyways. And worst of all. You liked it. No. You loved it. You tried to make yourself feel better by thinking that it was just the fact that it had been years since someone touched you like that that made you love it. But deep down you knew it was him. The way he handled you, the way he kept teasing and edging you, the way he put you at ease. You loved it. And you wanted it again.

You had been in this back and forth with yourself for the past three days, the amount of time its been since you’ve started giving Kang the cold shoulder. If you were being honest, you felt bad about how cold you grew towards him. But he deserved it. Part of you wished you had finished the job and killed him then and there. But you didn’t. You still didn’t know why. Right now, you just decided to blame it on clouded judgment from your blood loss. You stopped yourself from trying to figure out why though, as you realized it would send you down a rabbit hole of thoughts.

After two hours of no luck catching mites for food, you gathered your hunting gear and headed back inside the cabin. And yet again, there he was, just sitting there sprayed across the couch. Despite your pleas to her to get him to work or do anything other than sit around, Janet insisted he needed more to time to recover. Which he would trick her into believing, as you knew what his body was capable of at this point. You would occasionally exchange glances with him while working in the kitchen. In the spilt seconds that your eyes would meet his, you tried desperately to search for any signs of remorse or regret for what he did. But you could never find any. At most, you could only recognize one emotion going through them. Desire. And you knew for what.

Which is why would look away from him so quickly. Janet walked out from her room and over by the couch to talk to Kang. Presumably to try and get some more information out of him. So far, she told you that the only things she found out about him was his name, which you already knew, how he crashed, the core of his ship ran out of energy, and what he called his ship, the Time Chair. He had been secretive about everything else. Frankly, you didn’t really care about finding information about him anymore. You just wanted him out of your house. Janet stood above the couch and asked him to stand up. You turned around to watch and see what would happen. Reluctantly, Kang stood up from the couch and took a couple of steps around the room. You snickered a bit to yourself after seeing the look Janet gave him. He whipped his head around to see you smiling to yourself. “Is everything alright?” He asked sharply. “No no, it’s just funny.” You remarked with a smirk on your face. “That's enough you two.” Janet said, shooting daggers at you. She turned her face back to Kang. “Alright, since it seems like you're well enough to walk, you’re gonna take care of some errands for me in town.” You could see his posture slightly slouch in response to her demand. You couldn’t help but quietly giggle to yourself. “Oh and you’re going with him.” Janet said, turning back to you. Before you could disagree, she said “I need you to show him where everything is and to be there to carry him just in case he can’t walk anymore.” You looked at him up and down, then turned back to Janet. After standing in silence for a second, Janet replied. “Okay, mainly to show him where everything is.” You scoffed to yourself before grabbing your gear and walking outside. Janet tapped Kang on the shoulder as a sign to follow you. He walked outside to find you already about 50 feet ahead of him. This was going to be a long day.

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You walked around the market, making sure to keep at least a five foot distance between the two of you. Your only interaction with him was handing him the bags of wild fruits you purchased to carry. You walked past a pawn shop type building. You knew you and Janet were getting short on cash. You stared at the gold bangle on your left wrist. It was a gift from your father. You could still remember unwrapping the box that contained it on your 14th birthday and putting it on immediately after. You hadn’t taken it off since. But times were getting desperate. And this was your last resort. You took a deep breath and told Kang to wait outside for you. You walked inside and up to the counter to make the trade. You reluctantly unlatched the bracelet and placed it on the counter, tears welling up in your eyes. You took the money from the attendant and turned to leave, but bumped into someone on your way out. “Sorry.” You said without looking at them.

Your eyes shot up at them though when you felt a hand grab your forearm. “Told you it was her.” One of the men said. Finally taking awareness of your surroundings, you noticed three men crowding around you, one of which held a tightening grip around your forearm. “I thought I told you I didn’t wanna see you around here until you gave me my money.” Once you registered their faces and recognized who they were, you finally responded. “And I’m so terribly sorry it hasn’t gotten to you yet, that’s a real shame on my part.” You replied sarcastically. The man’s smirk dropped as he started to twist your forearm. You stifle a scream as he twists it behind your back. “Oh yeah? And what’s stopping me from breaking your arm and taking what you have now?” You tried to think of a way out of this when you noticed a shard of glass on the floor from when one of the men slammed the pawn shop attendant’s head into the counter. You grabbed the shard of glass and stabbed it into the man’s foot. He screamed and let go of your arm. You picked yourself off quickly from the floor and punched the other two men and ran out the door for your escape.

Kang was still standing outside the shop when you grabbed his wrist and started running as the two men you punched started to run after you. He breaks away from your grip and starts running with you. “Mind explaining what’s going on?!” Kang shouted at you. “Maybe after we lose them!” You shouted back, maneuvering between the carts and people in the streets. You grab a ball from two children playing in the street and chuck it at one of the men’s heads, knocking him to the ground. You turn a sharp corner and bump into a wandering person, giving Kang time to catch up with you. You grab his wrist again, realizing he isn’t as fast as you are. You look around the street, desperate for an escape. You notice an alleyway just up ahead and run into it, Kang just behind you. You push the both of you back into the darkest corner of the alley as you see one of the men run past. You wait a couple of seconds to see if he will come back before let your guard down. Once a bit of time has gone by, you slunk yourself into the corner.

“What the fuck was that?” Kang asked angrily. “You know, a little bit of a warning would’ve been nice before you dragged me through the streets while being chas-.” He stops himself when he turns around to see your head cuddled into your knees. He hears slight sobs coming from you mouth. You lift your head from your knees as you clutch the money you just 1) risked his and your life for and 2) just traded away one of your most valuable possessions away for. You couldn’t help but feel at least a little ashamed for breaking down in front of him like this, but you couldn’t help it. He sighed and walked towards you. He kneeled down in front of you and took your face in both his hands. He cupped your cheeks and used his big thumbs to wipe away your tears as they were coming down. “I’m sorry.” was all he could muster up to say. You just nodded in response. “I’m sorry for yelling.” You nodded again, keeping your teary, bloodshot eyes away from his. “And I’m sorry for leaving you that night.” You finally looked at him as he said that. You could see a sadness enter his eyes as you looked at him. Sadness mixed with sincerity.

You looked back down at the money and clenched it with your hands as you put it away in your jacket pocket. You took some deep breaths, but couldn’t seem to calm yourself down. You just couldn’t believe what you just did. You were angry at yourself for giving something so valuable to you away so easily. And for what? Money that was going to last you two weeks at best. Memories started to flood back into your head. You just missed them all so much. You tried not to think about them too much, but as a result, you began to forget how much they meant to you. You could just sit there for hours, crying and reminiscing. Something ripped you away from those thoughts though. You suddenly felt this huge weight rest upon you. Then it clicked. He was hugging you.

You felt Kang’s big bear arms wrap around your smaller frame. You sniffled as you felt his hot breath graze against your neck. You could feel your cheeks getting hotter and brighter as he tightened his arms around you. You noticed you were beginning to calm down. You pulled away to catch your breath. Then he kissed your temple. Then your forehead. Then the bridge just above your nose. Then your cheek. He stayed on your cheek for a while before pulling away. He was doing it again. His deep brown eyes were swimming oceans into yours. You could sit there for hours just staring at him. Taking in all his features. Noticing the way your cheeks fit into his hands so easily. What happened next was a change in pace though. You kissed him.

Saying you were kissing him was doing a disservice to both of you though. It was more as if you two were melting into each other. Becoming one. Joining into each other’s body’s. Your hands gripped onto his hips, desperate for more of him. A slight moan escaped him and entered your mouth. You could already feel yourself getting wet. You knew where this was leading. His hands traveled from your jawline to the hemming of your shirt. His warm, coarse hands traveled up your cold, smooth stomach to just underneath your underboob. You took this time to take off your jacket and place it on the floor next to you. Next, you remove your hands from his hips to help him unbutton his pants. You slid them off his legs. He gets the memo and moves his hands from your breasts to your shorts and slides them off. He hooks your underwear with his pointer finger and drags them off. You do the same to his. He helps slide you down from your sitting position to lay down.

It hasn’t been until this point when your hand dips into a dirty puddle that your remember where you are. You make sure to remind him as well when he goes to take off your shirt. Yeah his cock may be hanging out and your bare ass is out as well, but you’ll take the privacy of a shirt right now if its what you can get. He respects your wishes and puts his lips to your collarbone as he rests just above your hips. After a couple seconds of sucking on your collar, he pulls away, leaving a purplish mark there. You nod in approval just before he slides his throbbing cock into your already tight walls. You let out a wail as he enters into you. He places a hand on your mouth and whispers into your ear. “Not here either.” Yes, you could be slightly louder here than at the house with Janet, but you still had to remember you were in public. You nodded as he continued to slide inside you. You dug your nails into his bare thigh, which only caused him moan more.

Once he was fully inside you, he started thrusting into your hips, fucking you into the hard, rocky, cold concrete below. It definitely wasn’t your ideal setting, but you were gonna take what your could get. His hands moved back underneath your breasts and eventually unhooked your bra. He squeezed one boob with one hand and moved the other underneath your back for more support. Then, he moved his lips back to yours, letting your both release your stifled sounds into each other. It only helped you feel more like you were a part of him. Letting your moans into his mouth as his grunts entered yours. As his thrusts began to speed up, you moved your other hand to his tricep to squeeze for leverage. The deeper into you he went, the more you could feel the heat sink lower into your body. God, you had just started and you were already about to finish. You could sense he was about to also though, with the way his thrusts got messier and his kisses more desperate.

Everything became so overwhelming to you. You knew he wasn’t going to want to cum before you did, but on the other hand, you didn’t necessarily want to be the first one either. So you stifled the urge by biting down onto his lips. Your lips eventually moved down to his jawline and explored down his neck, until you found the perfect place to begin sucking. His moans into your ear only brought your closer to your brink. Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore. “G-god Kang I-I’m s-s-sorry, I-I have t-t-to do it-t.” You said, eyes welling up. “Sh-hhhh it-s-s ok. Do it if-f y-you need t-to.” He said quietly into your ear. Suddenly, you let go of everything. You felt the white heat escape your body all at once as it wrapped around Kang’s cock and leaked out of you. You felt yourself relax as Kang began to tense up even more. You moved your hand from his thigh to his cheek and began to rub it with your thumb. “It’s ok, you can do it.” You said tiredly. He closes his eyes, nods, and releases his cum into you. His orgasm takes over his body as he moves his hands to your hips and digs his fingers into them. You both moan as his cum enters your body.

You both breath heavily once he’s finished and he begins to exit you. He reaches for his underwear and pants before stopping himself. He looks over at you, then grabs your shorts and underwear and helps you put them on before putting on his own. You smile slightly at the kind gesture and help him put on his after you’ve finished with yours. You check your jacket pocket to make sure the money is still inside. Once your hands find it, you take a deep sigh, still disappointed in yourself for making the trade in the first place. Kang notices this and intertwines his fingers into your hand. You look up at him and he smiles at you as he leads you out into the street. You suddenly find yourself doing the last thing you would expect from yourself.

Forgiving him.

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NEXT PART

A/N: so…hi….its been a minute! again, so sorry for the delay, but if im being honest, i kinda work better when im posting sporadically so yeah dont expect a set schedule for me posting. but yeah i didnt really proofread this chapter cause i wanted to get it out asap so dont judge. but yeah we’ll see where it goes from here lol byeeee.

#quantumania #ant man #kang the conqueror #kang the conqueror x reader #kang x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #i remember his hands #mcu fanfiction #fem!reader

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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Before I go to the gym I did want to ramble a bit on this since I usually talk about it in a very "haha ego" tone, but honestly, having very intense and strong violent fantasies and urges and a trauma-centered/functioned thirst, joy, and high in violence in a world where that isn't good or okay and there are Laws because it is a Society honestly is really annoying and sucks.

Like its easy to paint those as "owo evil psychopath" and its easy (I guess) with the radical valid uwu-ness fo the internet to write that off "uwu poor violent meow wow" but imo neither of them really are right.

Cause I'm not so stuck in my trauma that I don't realize that the world I was made for is an outlier and not representative of what it really is; and I'm not so stuck that I don't realize that following that trauma-driven need and high is only going to get me in places that my trauma would have wanted me to be in. I'm not gonna do it because I know that is "what my trauma would have wanted" and because its not going to help me; but I'm also not this innocent bun for having this either nor am I bluffing how intensely I want to go run off on them sometimes.

It sucks that something I have formed such an intense joy and positive emotional relationship to - something that brings me such fun an excitement from my childhood - is something that is both illegal, self destructive and forbidden. It's not needed anymore so the very thing I was formed to do and favorite joy in life is Not Allowed Anymore because it would be harmful to our life.

Violence, life-death crisis, and coming out on top of all of those is a childhood high of mine - arguably the majority of what I as a part remember growing up with. It's a huge part of my identity and an original large part of what brought me joy "in my childhood" and to be a functioning human out of a trauma environment and to do the best by my system and myself I've had to agree to swear off and leave all the plans I had growing up as "fantasies and ideation" and while I am MORE than willing and glad to sign up on it - that doesn't remove how much it sucks to throw a lot of the shit that brought you joy and excitement growing up and stuff that has become such a large part of your identity and life aside and start from scratch.

I'm already throwing away like 20 years of identity shaping life experiences aside to learn to live a better life for myself and my parts. I'm already exhibiting such restraint and mature growth and honestly thats why its a large reason about why I am so loudly honest about those fantasies and feelings.

If I am not allowed to act on it and I have to forfeit what was my childhood happiness and joy - then the very least I should be allowed to do is be honest and free to talk about them.

If anyone wants to tell me that I can't say that shit or I have to hide it or whatever, they are officially asking too much from me and I think they're overstepping boundaries because I am ALREADY doing a lot to be an acceptable human being and to recover. If someone wants me to still do that and hide and pretend to be better than I am, then I often just feel like I should jsut throw out ALL that Ive been giving up and just go have fun cause people will keep asking for more than I naturally can provide. Of course, even when I feel like that, I still can't and won't cause I owe it to my system more than I owe it to myself and more than I find myself annoyed and pissed with the boundary being crossed - and instead I tend to just block and remove said person from my life but ya know.

Like yes I am intensely loud about this and it might look like Im overplaying it because no one who actually thinks and has those would be so loud and obvious about it - but thats the whole point. I'm saying it to cope with the fact I won't do it. It's an alternative.

But anyways, I digress.

Evil Alter Rights matter too, man. Evil Alter Rights matter too. /mostly joking

-XIV

#alter: xiv #feel free to reblog and add if you feel #violent impulses #homicidal ideation #aspd #aspd tw #violence tw

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sockori · 6 months

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shmupdate 🧦

very long, hastily written, but a look is appreciated

greetings- to those who are somehow still lingering around this account or came up upon it during my desolate time off. it is sock. or sockori.... or raven... my name is actually raven (they/it, 20 yo disabled autistic goth nerd whatever the fuck). howdy

im still on the 'undetermined hiatus' so to speak that i described in my leaving post, but i will say right now that i have no near future plans on returning. in the tags on my newest art, i mentioned my naruto hyperfixation (of like. 6 years i think) finally died out and other interests have long since captured my autism full force. for me personally, when i lose a special interest like this so drastically, i just full on abandon it for as long as it stands. however, this isn't the only thing that made me leave, and i think its time for me to be completely honest & get some weight off my chest.

i made this account around the cusp of turning 14, during a god awful pubescent era where i acted as any other edgy teen does and i'd much rather like to forget these days. what im saying is i was not in the right mindset at all when i exposed myself that much & got the attention that i did. a dismayingly giant coping mechanism i had in my youth was being online 24/7 because i had no one in reality to lean on let alone feel comfortable talking to about anything that was happening at that time. this of course leads to what the kids call these days being 'chronically online'- desperate for some sort of assurance or interaction, i crawled into internet spaces i shouldn't have been for an also incredibly unsupervised child using the dangerous worldwide web.

yes, naruto was apart of this, as well as other interests i had at the time. throughout my journey i met unsavory people, suffered abhorrent things like stalking & gr---ming, saw things i didn't deserve to see, did a bunch of stupid shit an angsty teen does, i believe you understand the rest. i am in no way proud or gleeful about any of these years and have some very sour memories tied to fandom as a whole, not just naruto, and i really don't like reflecting on them. so, unfortunately, this account sorta became a bitter reminder of what i went through as i grew up & finally matured and sought to recover. that's the first part of why my activity fizzled away & i began backing off from internet use entirely.

the second part is sasori. yes, the puppet man. sorta the sole reason i made sockori in the first place. as the sasori enjoyers following / who followed know, this puppeteer has an incredibly unhealthy philosophy and worldview (if the carefully preserved corpses turned puppets and complete lack of humanity didn't give that away), and is safe to say entirely detached from his reality to a nhilistic and suicidal extent. when you autistically fixate on a character like how i did, sometimes this character's rhetoric can seep into your own without you even realizing; Especially when you're a spot where you are incredibly vulnerable and psychologically unstable, as i was in my youth. now i didn't go around believing you should uhhh murder people and preserve them Obviously- actually i began to believe that perhaps there was some peace in obtaining a robotic existence. maybe emotions were useless, perhaps nothing truly mattered, my life didn't matter, art in eternal in the sense that death is scary and i should avoid it at all costs, why make connections with people when they just die or leave, cant trust people at all to help me, xyz. anything in these lines. without going too uncomfortably deep for everyone's sake and mine, it fucked me up severely. i suppose in a way it relates to how he uses poison. his toxins got right into my nervous system, but the pain i felt from those toxins was the only thing i could really rely on at the time, so i just let it happen. such is the depressing case of coping in the worst spot of your life.

cant help but feel incredibly strange telling the tale, as it sounds so obscure doesn't it, but media can truly get inside your psyche like this if a consumer isn't careful. not sure if anyone else out there fell into a similar headspace dealing with interests in this nature- but regardless. what i mean to say is, sasori is now a kind of content i cant consume anymore. i am in a way better place now, have grown wise and balanced with careful recovery and patience, and of course have grown out of whatever teenage nonsense i was on. sasori, who was once the only thing my autistic traumatized ass could lean on, is now an extremely dark shadow on my life. yes i see this homicidal anime puppet dude from a fantasy ninja anime and get psychological distress. he's somewhat of an aggressor or abuser to me now, which is tragic. ive been actively avoiding everything even vaguely relating to him, be it the art of puppetry, anime clips, robotic/sci-fi genre, whatnot cause i just. man. i dont wanna go back there. shouldn't have to explain why at this point. ptsd at its finest

feel like ive been honest enough. sasori enjoyers out there who were just around to enjoy what i made, anyone i happened to be good friends with during my time on this account, this doesn't have anything to do with you guys. i appreciate everyone dearly for supporting me and cheering me on in whatever i made despite all the hell & anguish that was taking place beyond the keyboard. im just glad that i managed to find some way out and get the help i need before i gave up & took my own life, which depressingly i almost did a handful of times. carrying the horrors is an exhausting burden to bare sometimes, but that does not mean i can't look back on the good parts of the era too. and seeing you all happy and sharing my memes or whatever made me ecstatic and at least a little bit hopeful for the future. fortunately that little spark of hope grew into something more. thanks for being a light in a very, very dark room.

that being said, i leave you all with this: i am not dead, just greatly changed, a new person at last freed from apathy & exhaustion, with now enough room to finally grow. the memories will never truly fade & my disabilities will be a part of me until i pass on, but at least now i can manage them a lot better than ever before, surrounded by way better people who love me for who i am. i will hang on the best i can. i wish for you to do the same. find freedom and happiness wherever you are. take care. happy trails

trans rights. i eat fascist souls. free palestine

#sasori #world is pain but i will manage

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hurrakka · 9 months

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oh man. theoretically in a l4d au luis would've helped develop the green flu yeah? sure it's a naturally occurring virus in l4d canon (maybe. we're not really sure where it comes from cus ceda doesnt say shit but ellis mentions the government using bio-bombs in one of his keith stories so it could be a bioweapon?) but this is an au we can do what we want.

anygays im just imagining leon getting infected. we know better-safe-than-sorry-guy (i call him scout cus his va is the same as scout from tf2) is human when we first find him but experiencing extreme paranoia and some compulsions then a few minutes later he fully turns, going from able to speak and function to choking and growling and fully mutated (either into a hunter, boomer, or smoker) so there's always the possibility of a rapid transformation too. im thinking leon falling behind a bit while theyre walking because he's coughing and chokin and shit n he falls to his knees and luis is all like "bro whats wrong!!" and he gets to watch as leon Turns Before His Eyes. even better if he turns into a hunter cus if you look closely at their models they don't have eyes. we can't be exactly sure what Happens to their eyes when they turn but the two most popular headcanons are both equally brutal-- either Luis has to watch Leon's eyes quite literally melt out of his skull or he gets to watch him claw his own eyes out. Fun!

BUT there's graffiti in one of the safe rooms arguing over how long it actually takes to turn-- whether it's 20 minutes, 2 hours, overnight, or some other wacky chunk of time. so there's also the thought of Leon turning slowly. progressively becoming irritable and irrational and confused and him slipping in and out of conciousness for days until Luis goes to check his temp one day and he fucking Lunges.

and if leon turns and luis makes it out alive imagine the Guilt. he feels awful enough in re4 canon when there's a cure,,, but the green flu mutates too often to develop a proper cure for it. if leon gets infected and he isnt immune then he's just. done. theres nothing that can help him at that point. and luis already feels so goddamn guilty about the millions of people he's killed and now leon's gone too and he cant help but visualize every single person who had somebody ripped from them by his hands.

oh man and if luis has to put leon down? its joever. that man would Never recover. i dont even know if he'd keep trying to survive at that point. maybe just for that shred of hope of developing a cure (even though he knows it'd be damn-near impossible but it's the only thing hes got, dammit) and stopping this whole disaster.

coughs. sorry for the rambling i simply have been obsessed with l4d for going on 12 years now so <3

I had to lay down for a moment bc of the feels and potential outcomes in the event luis lives on while leon well...yeah (thinkin abt how buddy from re damnation would jus turn as well since leon is no longer there and that made me big sad dgkrnekhbfgnjklh) Since the re verse has like morbillion viruses, the green flu existing would be plausible so its just another stonks moment for umbrella lol. But yeah luis would absolutely be devastated. He probably doesnt have the guts to pull the trigger, least he can do is to restrain leon for a while and tries to find whatever humanity he has left in his nonexistent eyes. Tho in my witch!leon hc I think luis may have a chance to keep leon around??? Since witches seem to have the most humanity among the infected (and thats not saying much) he could probs observe him a lil bit without getting eaten right away. It would just be a warm bodies scenario ngl (i just watched that movie recently so this is huge copium dksfghbshgndfh) Honestly Im glad l4d fandom still alive after all these years. That game will always be goated and it was one of my high-school obsessions. I used to do crossover stuff back then and Im back to doing it now. Time rly do be a flat circle

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puddingseikkx · 7 months

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ive been stuck in a binge cycle recently and im slowly recovering from it but its still a work in progress and hopefully tmmr goes as planned and i can go to the store and get stuff for my meals i have planned and new dishware cause i hate using the same dishes as people and hopefully my mom/brothers doesnt be stupid and use my stuff i reallly need a mug too i also need a new rice cooker but that can wait bc its expensive but i have a list for things i need and the hardest thing is getting people to not use my ingredients it is mostly vegetables but the fruits ik theyre gonna eat them too so problem there. i hate how my brothers think they can just grab and eat whatever i bought for me especially since they mostly eat junk food like take out and frozen/instant food like stop taking my food go eat your pizza rolls, chips, and ranch leave me and my lean meats, vegetables, soups, and low cal items. this is another reason i wanna move out asap so im saving money but i need another job since i just moved here but my brother is already having trouble getting one so thats making me nervous and i cant drive nor am 18 quite yet so i need to get my permit at least within the next year so i can drive alone by 18 and get a car and everything id say im most worried abt where im gonna live hopefully i can make some good friends already here and we can be roommates for a bit or ig college just so i can live in the student housing at least idk yet but hopefully ill figure it all out soon but i gained abt maybe 11-15kg bc the binge cycle i look like the old me and i hate it ima try implementing a routine

wake up, drink water, bathroom, brush teeth wash face, drink green tea, stretch, do some yoga (not everyday) do wtv i ned to do until lunch, workout, do whatever i need to do, shower before making dinner, brush teeth, stretch and free time and when im fasting similar schedule just try to sleep when i can and stay busy too hopefully i can get everything i need tmmmr

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strange-creachure · 11 months

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so..

didnt want to make a huge deal of it at the time bc anxiety and what have you, buuut since yesterday marked 2 full months from this thingy (perhaps most impactful in my life so far lol), figured i'd do a little post anyway?? felt appropiate what with it being pride month and ya know :zoomies:

(tldr, have two rad little lines going across on my body and feeling more light and normal (in the best kind of way) than i have for years :catlove:) i'm in an incredibly lucky place living situation wise (s/o being in a position where he could take a loan for us, and finland being a country that doesnt generally indiscriminate these kind of things as much) where i could get a good ol operation that single-handedly yoinked off my serious dysphoria and -related anxiety and its been (and still is) so incredibly freeing and pleasant and carefree vibe when ur body feels and looks the way you felt it should have always been. especially when, (tw: dysphoria) increasingly for the past couple years its felt just so incredibly.. wrong? to an extent you felt constantly sick?, for reasons you cant even quite explain?, for features your biology imposed on you without any word on your part, and the societal norms or whatever that came with it??? and just.. the entire lack of choice or being unable to do anything about it?? absolutely worst. do not recommend. unfortunately a fairly common experience in the lgbt circles (that i keep hearing) and something a lot of people have to deal with, unfortunately. so in a very stark comparison, post-op and recovering and just /living/ without those restrictions or weights on ya, it's pretty freakin rad. having authority on the silly little meat vehicle again haha. (recovery wise feel entirely normal and well by now, just the whole 'having a both physical and very taxing mental weight off of the shoulders that i'd not realised how long its been there' has had me feeling very childlike joy and the like, yknow. maybe some of u could tell from the text brrrr nyoomies for a while now huhu :zoomies:) dunno if this is "too personal" or unnecessary or kinda silly to share, but kind of jus wanna put it out there in case there's the odd person in there who feels the same way, incredibly awful for reasons you cant quite explain or even grasp - i promise you're not inherently broken or "wrong", there is a reason for it, gender or neurodivergency wise or otherwise. it sure took me a while, and while it's an unique road for everyone, u can get there, one way or other. for example im more comfy with my brain funnies than i've been in years just from reading more and getting to know likeminded people and overall understanding things better, and that alone has helped me a lot. dont necessarily feel the need to transition anything further body wise either; dont consider myself a trans person, and dunno what kind of label or tag would even fit my gender other than just?? kind of vaguely nonbinary i guess?? since im just.. omee? default person shaped? and for the longest time, it feels good and normal and /right/. dunno. wanted to share the excellent good vibes despite this whole mess of a world situation lol. #textwall #manywords happy pride y'all! every single one of you friendshapes is very important and appreciated ❤️

for context! i'm huge fan of people who are happy with their bodies; its the best possible place to be! and such, want to confirm I dont have and never had anything against female chest in general, im genuinely glad some people can carry themselves with pride and joy, it simply wasnt a concept my brain could accept for me; personally they looked and felt really wrong on me, despite being physically healthy and "normal"; nothing were wrong with my pre- chest shapes except them residing on my body.

#lgbt #nonbinary #gender-affirming surgery #neurodiversity #wholesome #good vibes #tw dysphoria #tw surgery #pride month #personal post

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kh4 · 1 year

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why are you on a twitter byf?

hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.

im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.

TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.

this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.

then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).

after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.

8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.

i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.

i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.

she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.

i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.

thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.

#knightly.png #sorry this is long. i needed to reply to this if nothing else tonight

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kaijuconfessions · 2 years

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im so sick of my parents im so sick of livng here im so sick of the house im so sick of always needing help with everything because my confidence has been crushed i have no actual lifeskills and i have no real life experience that would be helpful. i also kinda feel like mom is deliberately keeping me here for ome reason. like. tldr mom and dad were verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and just basic neglectful, in different flavours i got ignored a lot by my parents and immediate family, and i got bullied in shcool w no support whatsoever and i only just about 2 years ago got rid of the most debilitating parts of my ocd and im still recovering. and im stuck in a house i bought while i was so dissociated i was astral projecting into hell in broad daylight daily. its not the worst lifechoice ever but i literally cant afford to renovate it with my monthly 800-ish dollars (give or take im converting, diff country) that also go to groceries and food for me and the cats. and the leftover money from the loan was already used on fixing something really expensive we werent informed about at all before i bought it so its not like i can fix much else unless insurance says hey heres your money back. not to mention i cant really go anywhere. the house is almost an hour from any nearby city and i have to take a train just to buy groceries so its not like i can go to the library whenever i want or anythng like that. im more or less disabled, i only have so much energy, i dont wanna spend 4-8 hours just to buy milk dependingon what time of day i go. in summer theres no trains at all so im actually stuck at home unless i get a ride home. like sorry its more of a vent than a confession but it feels like mom and dad are trying to slowburn kill me. which isnt neccessarily true but how do i fucking know for sure. i cant go to school, i cant get a job, i cant go to therapy, i cant go anywhere, i dont have a car, i barely have money as bills and food take up most of it, i have to take a train to get to the city so grocery shopping takes either 3 hours or 8. i cant even go to the fcking library. i cant visit my grandmas. i cant make friends and i couldnt hang out with them if i did have any who the fuck wants to take a train for half an hour to visit me. i cant join a group at the local bakery or do stuff. my parents dont even fucking visit unless theyre gonna do something to the house and dad has visited three times since i moved in. like. it could be worse. but im stuck with nothing to do on a daily basis in a house i dont want and cant afford to fix but arent allowed by mom to sell, i cant figure out what to do with my life or how to get out of this and theres no support to be found anywhere, they dont call or text or even visit just to see me and im not even sure i want them to anymore. i spent the past year grieving my childhood and coming to terms witht he fact that im straight up not wanted by anyone. noone actually cares that i exist except sme online frends and my cats. it sometimes feels like im a bug they put a glass ove rand theyr just waiting for me to use up all the oxygen so they can throw me out instead of having to use a flyswatter themselves. i just wanna move out and get a place i actually like living in and can afford somwhere i can actually access shit i wanna do. and get therapy and make friends. instead of whatever the fuck it is im doing now.

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angeldiaries777 · 4 months

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tw. tmi whatever idc vent

i didnt shower/brush my teeth for 4 months straight or leave my bed because of how depressed i was they don't fucking get it. they don't get what its like having to talk yourself off of a ledge everynight since u were 14 they don't get what its like forcing recovery on urself because u know no one else can help you or will ever understand the extent of how bad things got. they don't know what its like being aware of all of the things people think and know and having to stay silent because of how fucking tired and over everything u are. they dont know what its like to be that young and sick. the only reason im alive is because i knew i had potential. i had dreams. i have goals. i had to literally wipe my own tears. cope every night. i had to deal with everything alone since i was 4. do you even know the fucking toll that takes on a small child????? when i say alone i mean alone alone. never had a friend in my life. my family was a toxic cesspool. my anxiety is still so bad that i literally cannot go outside without crying and having a meltdown. i am so fucking broken. i say im different from those types of people and that i will recover from all of it and be happy and sane one day then i have a manic episodes. they dont know what its like waking up with dark circles darker than a black void because u spent every night that week sobbing. they dont know what its like playing the same fucking songs as routine to self soothe. they don't realize how saying shit like " don't be afraid to ask for help" and "everyone goes through their own things" is counterproductive and only makes me more depressed. they just invalidate us because of the people who its a tend for. ive done my best to stay grounded and smart but fuck im so tired of saying how tired i am. im tired of screaming for help into the void. im tired of seeing other people have friends when ive never had a single moment of friendship in my life. im so done with everyone competeing with me for anything and everything. why can't someone be kind to me for the sake of being kind for once. why don't i deserve love when lame and bad people still get love and attention. why doesnt god give me what i ask for. im too good for earth. so sick of being a good person and letting go and recovering i also have been bored of being in my bed for years. i just wish so badly i had an escape because sleep its just the same night terrors and im sick of being this girl when my parents have told me they don't care anymore if i kill myself because they're tired of dealing with me. please. just let me be okay okay cant type because my eyes r shutting as i type this. nap time. gn guys

#angeldiaries777 #bpd vent #tw vent

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luffythinker · 7 months

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I don't know if i'd consider myself a swifty but one song that does make me think of them is the 10 minute version of "all too well" i do listen to a lot of taytay tho, i was listening to her since she was country love me some paper rings and im only me when im with you don't get me started on stay stay stay

But All too well. im going to get into it

"Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place And I can picture it after all these days"

The days they spend at UA together when he's sitting in the jailcell thinking about Bakugo and all his friends

"And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all"

After everything's been said and done the war is over and everyone's recovered Bakugo is the one reaching out to Aoyama who probably did a little jail time for his crime he's gotten out and he's able to be with everyone again

"You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me"

Aoyama remembering his time with Bakugo AGAIN

"And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to"

Aoyama trying to apologize for "wasting" Bakugo's time knowing full well they couldn't be what either of them want them to be and he still doesn't believe it after all this time even though they are in a time of peace

"'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light Down the stairs, I was there I remember it all too well, yeah"

i have to kinda think a little bit but maybe them reconnecting living together and remembering dorm life actually being in the relationship they wanted to be in

"And maybe we got lost in translation Maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up"

Bakugo having an argument with Aoyama about how he loved and still loves him even though he hurt him in such a way with what he did but he can't bring himself to be completely angry cause it isn't his fault he was put into that kind of position

"And you call me up again just to break me like a promise So casually cruel in the name of being honest"

Bakugo's perspective of Aoyama telling everyone what he did

"I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all Too well"

Me lol but really so them.

"Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again But I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone "

Aoyama wanting the old days back AGAIn but this time he is alone living by himself after he got out of jail he doesn't tell anyone he doesn't contact anyone he just is alone and in all honestly probably not living in a house and if he is it's a small apartment

"But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence And it smells like me You can't get rid of it 'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah"

Bakugo keeping Aoyama's cape and sleeping with it he probably will tell him about it when they reconnect and refuse to give it to him until he's retaken a hero's whatever if the government will allow him to be a hero again

"And you were tossing me the car keys, "Fuck the patriarchy" Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town"

Bakugo recalling all the stuff they got into as 1-years cause im gonna add in little things you know stuff kids do they shouldn't be doing "I wont say anything if you wont" doesn't have to be sexual but you know

"And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now He's gonna say it's love, you never called it what it was"

THIS ONE IS SO THEM LOVE IS STRONG WORD WE JUST SAY ITS A STRONG WORD

"Check the pulse and come back swearing it's the same After three months in the grave And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame"

Bakugo spilling his feeling about everything and about how he practically died in the war and never thought he'd see Aoyama again he didn't even try to contact him when he got out of jail and it really hurt his feelings Bakugo is balling his tears possibly on the floor for this man

"And I know it's long gone and There was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough To forget why I needed to"

Aoyama saying how the feelings they had are probably gone because Bakugo coudln't possibly love him anymore after everything they've been through why in the world would he even want to hold on to something like this?

"And there we are again when nobody had to know You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath Sacred prayer and we'd swear To remember it all too well, yeah"

Bakugo staying strong until the day he gets to live the life he wanted with Aoyama cause he is not giving up on Aoyama that isn't winning, winning is happy ever after so he made sure he got through whatever rehabilitation he needs cause ya boy probably got heart problems after what happen to him

"They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new Hell Every time you double-cross my mind"

Could be either of them thinking of eachother but i can see it more Bakugo

"You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine And that made me want to die"

Aoyama thinking maybe if he was born with a quirk or if Bakugo was quirkless and his friend in the school he went to maybe that would have made things better but Quirkless Bakugo gets in the way of Bakugo's dream and being Quirkless would make Bakugo want to die

"The idea you had of me, who was she? A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you"

The person Bakugo saw as Aoyama but he was putting on a front

"Not weeping in a party bathroom Some actress asking me what happened, you That's what happened, you"

What happened to Aoyama? why is he so sad? Bakugo he is upset with himself because of how he hurt Bakugo

"But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come And he said, "It's supposed to be fun turning twenty-one" "

Bakugo waiting to hear anything about Aoyama's return and Deku or Kirishima saying something like that when they are older cause Aoyama is potential gonna do time for im being generous 5 years im sorry but bro could have had many people taken out and more then hurt by what he did

"Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?"

Bakugo asking Aoyama if what he did, did it hurt him too? did it hurt him to live hurting Bakugo hurting them both?

omg that's so cool, I love that your songs are very niche!! love that we're getting into all too well today, I love this song with my whole heart

can't imagine Aoyama in jail but I hope he does his time too!!

I don't think we need to connect every verse but it's so magic how a lot of it suits them, like the "maybe this thing was a masterpiece etc" verse is so painful, because they could have had the best relationship but it was broken apart so suddenly :(

Imagine Aoyama calling Bakugo after he left, he doesn't say anything but you can hear both of their breathing, they both cry over the phone, Aoyama hangs up without saying a word

"Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me" OKAY BUT WHAT IF BAKUGO KEEPS A BOTTLE OF AOYAMAS FAVORITE PERFUME, SOMETIMES HE SPRAYS IT IN HIS ROOM JUST TO FEEL LIKE HE'S THERE AGAIN

THE WAY THEY BOTH NEVER CALLED IT WHAT IT WASKJFDKJDFK a big step for them would be saying I love you in the future and it's justsdihdfjodfj

"You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath" THIS ONEKJDFJKDFKJ it's so particular, cause I imagine Bakugo never really telling anybody about it (besides Kiri who already knows), nobody really understands why he's so devasted when Aoyama left, but he kept what they had with him, securing it till the day they could be together again

"Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?" AND IT DID, THEY BOTH NEVER LOVED ANYBODY AGAIN LIKE THEY LOVED EACH OTHER IM GONNA GO INSANE

i loved your analysis of the song, this makes me feel so feral, I love connecting lyrics to my ships

#bakuyama #bakugo katsuki #aoyama yuuga #bnha #taylor swift #rei replies

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justtogetthrough · 1 year

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Today in therapy when discussing how my ability to take care of myself just... jams up and doesn't function when it comes to even my basic needs, and how I think it's because I truly resent and hate that I'm alive against my will, she suggested that it's very valid to remain bitter and angry about this because when I was 15, I took very deliberate action to not live, the hospital saved my life, and now I'm stuck being alive. I tried to do something I wanted to do and had that autonomy taken away from me.

I carry huge guilt with me about how much I hate that I survived, how much I don't want to be alive, and on a regular basis I just... get angry at the universe because I didn't die but I was SO CLOSE. And i feel bad for being so hung up about it. I should have died. The hospital told my mom to say goodbye and she did. And then they stabilized me or whatever, miraculously the seizures stopped, and I was on life support for a week and then I recovered and over the years the organ damage mostly repaired itself and here I am, fucking alive well beyond anything I ever intended. Stuck now feeling like I can't kill myself now because as an adult, there's too much collateral damage.

I wanted to have died when I first attempted at 15.

I've lived more than half my life since that happened and I'm still angry about it. But I haven't ever talked about it. In desperation and especially lately I'll complain I wish I had died, especially as repressed memories are coming to light through EMDR and im remembering my life in HD and its a horrible experience. But I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel guilty for being mad that I'm still alive. Aand i hate that I have to try and figure out how to make life tolerable when I never wanted to be here at this age.

It was... validating to hear my therapist say it makes sense I'm angry and stuck and can't take care of myself. I tried to prevent all of this from happening and other people intervened and took away my control.

I've never heard anyone talk about suicide like that before and it... kinda makes me emotional. Maybe that is the reason why I'm so bitter and angry and can't take care of myself. I never wanted to do this, and I tried to exercise my own power and autonomy and people (the hospital) took that away from me and my life has been nothing but traumatic experiences since and I don't feel like they did me any favours. I know their jobs are to save people, but I didn't fucking want to be saved.

The whole idea that after 17 years I'm still upset I didn't die because I was robbed of my bodily autonomy is... novel. I wonder if she's right.

It's so fucking hard to kill myself now because there's so much more going on. When I was 15 I just had school and my immediate family, and I would have been glad for them to hold a funeral for me. Now I have friends, ex friends but people who'd be impacted if I died, a whole god damn step kid of a human being who looks up to me and depends on me for support, a friend's family whose apartment I live in, a job where a ton of people depend on me, pets. Killing myself now would fuck over so many people. Even attempting and failing would fuck over so many people, AND THEN my life would get worse again as I have to deal with job + pets + people reacting to such a taboo and if I'd even have a job to go back to to support myself. Practically, I can't kill myself and it makes me mad. I had the opportunity when I was younger, before I had all this responsibility. I attempted twice and all I got was organ damage from extreme drug poisonings and more trauma from the social fallout from it :~)

#cw suicide #personal

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