#it's not like that period of time where i was fully dissociating most of the day and laid in bed at night to realize everything is Blank

[ambreiiigns]

me & brother watched more bsd And i finished jjk s1 and didn't even give an update i'm so sorry that i'm gonna do it on christmas

#i say give an update as if i write this for The People i just need to take notes on what happens to me bc i forget thing a lot . #i have been feeling. weirdly uhhh detatched from things happening arounf me. weirdly Absent. #like i Know that things are happening and i Know what i've been up to i just feel like i wasn't fully There as it happens yk?? #it's not like that period of time where i was fully dissociating most of the day and laid in bed at night to realize everything is Blank #it's not like that. YET! #that's where i get the urge to really like write down and tell people abt things that i do cause i'm so scared i'll forget everything again #😭😭😭 this is not ok #like i'm not doing this to let my friends know abt my day i'm doing this so i can go back and read it later lest everything is deleted #from my memory #oh nay #sorry very uncalled for information being dropped. happy holidays guys

[didosddinfo]

The Basics of DID/OSDD

DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, is a trauma-caused disorder that forms in early childhood, anywhere before the age of 9 (cutoff age is debated but the typical range is before age 6-9, but some people extend it to 10 because that's the typical age where your identity starts forming independant of your primary caregivers)

Most of the established and spread facts about DID come from the Theory of Structural Dissociation (TOSD)

Here's a good resource explaining The TOSD:

To sum things up, there are levels of dissociation that can occur, and disorders that fall into each level. The lowest end of this spectrum is PTSD, and the highest is DID. Here's a graphic of those levels, and I'll go into each disorder briefly:

Altered States

Altered states are normal, and likely to occur in everyone at some point. No trauma is required to cause these states. Altered states include normal daydreaming (not including MaDD which is disordered)

Primary Dissociation

Primary Dissociation occurs in people with PTSD. This presents as having one ANP (Apparantly Normal Part, aka you) and one EP (Emotional Part, which occurs when having PTSD flashbacks)

This level is specifically for single-event PTSD, as C-PTSD falls under the next level:

Secondary Dissociation

Complex-PTSD falls under this level because of the occurance of multiple EPs, but still one ANP. These EPs are for a myriad of traumas a person with C-PTSD has experienced.

Dissociative Disorders

This is where we start touching on systems. This level includes OSDD and UDD.

OSDD (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder) is a bit of an umbrella disorder, and it encapsulates multiple different types of OSDD. The one you've most likely heard of is OSDD1b, but I'll go into all of them.

OSDD1a is a disorder in which a person has multiple identity states but they lack distinction. They have intense enough amnesia to qualify for DID, but their identity states aren't differentiated enough to fully qualify for DID. This can sometimes (not always, of course) present as multiple identity states that are all one person, just at different ages when trauma happened.

OSDD1b is a disorder in which a person has multiple identity states that qualify for DID, but have no amnesia. A common misconception is that to be diagnosed with DID, you have to have blackout amnesia (will explain amnesia types later in the post), but any type of amnesia can qualify. OSDD1b is for systems who have absolutely no amnesia.

OSDD2 is a disorder in which there are identity disturbances and dissociation caused by brainwashing, torture, cults, and things of that sort. From what I understand, OSDD2 occurs after the cutoff age of DID or OSDD1, hence why this disorder does not cause a system.

OSDD3 seems to be a temporary diagnosis for symptoms of dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, amnesia, sudden loss of motor skills, ect for less than one month, occuring directly after a traumatic event. If the symptoms persist after this one month period, another diagnosis may be looked at.

OSDD-4 is a disorder in which people experience dissociative trances that do not have any known cause. People slip in and out of these trance states, often unaware of their environment while in them, and may "come to" confused and with amnesia from their time in the trance state.

And lastly, UDD. UDD, or Unspecified Dissociative Disorder, is exactly as it sounds. It's a catchall diagnosis for when a dissociative disorder is present, but it's unknown exactly which one. This can include systems, or it can include other dissociative disorders.

Tertiary Dissociation

Teritary Dissociation is what includes DID, C-DID, and HC-DID.

DID is the disorder we are all reading this post for. It is a disorder that causes multiple identity states that are distinctly different, called alters (or other terms depending on the system's comfort, such as headmates or sysmates), and amnesia between these identity states.

C-DID is a community term which stands for Complex DID. It is synonymous with Polyfragmented DID; they both mean the same thing. C-DID is characterized by a more complex system structure and the presence of many fragments, occuring because of more complex and longterm trauma that starts before the age of 5 (so earlier than the DID cutoff), and typically continues long after the system forms. There are many signs of polyfragmentation in a system, but the most siginifigant are the earlier onset of trauma, presence of many fragments, and more complex internal structure.

HC-DID is another community term which stands for Highly Complex DID. This term is synonymous with programmed systems/RAMCOA systems. These systems formed because of childhood trauma involving Mind Control (the MC of RAMCOA), aka programming. I won't go too in-depth on HC-DID systems, because I'm not confident in my knowledge at this time. However a great blog I can recommend for anyone wanting to learn more is @cultishhellvent

Misc.

You might have noticed at the top of the graphic I included earlier a little blurb about DPDR, or Depersonalization Derealization Disorder. This is a dissociative disorder characterized by, well, persistant depersonalization and derealization. This disorder cannot co-occur alongside DID, but DID can cause depersonalization and derealization. The DPDR diagnosis is for those who don't have another dissociative disorder like DID, but do experience those specific symptoms of depersonalization and derealization.

P-DID, or Partial DID, is a version of DID in which one alter is almost always fronting. Other alters are present, and may front in specific situations, but typically the one alter will stay at front and other alters will come and go from co-con or co-front.

Things To Know About Systems

So here is a bunch of catagories of info about systems that I feel are necessary to know if you're looking to know the basics.

Amnesia Types

Blackout Amnesia is amnesia that is full and total. Periods of blackout amnesia will be fully gone from the person's memory. However, contrary to popular belief, blackout amnesia does not entail literally 'blacking out' and 'waking up' at a later time. It simply means the memories from a time period are totally and utterly gone and inaccessable to you.

Greyout Amnesia has two typical definitions. The first is amnesia that slowly occurs as time goes on, like slowly forgetting the days as you pass them, at a faster rate than would be considered typical for those without a dissociative disorder. The second definition is similar to blackout amnesia, except some memories can be retained. So you may not fully remember an event you went to last week, but you might be able to recall a few blips of major things that took place. Most detail is usually lost.

Emotional Amnesia is when you remember the actual event or time frame, but none of the emotions attached to it. This usually presents as being able to remember a traumatic event, but feeling numb or disconnected to it, or like it happened to someone else.

And something important to keep in mind is that these amnesia types are not hard rules, and amnesia is often somewhere between these three labels.

Innerworlds

Innerworlds, or headspaces, are internal worlds in which alters can go when they aren't fronting (fronting meaning to be in control of the body)

Not all systems have innerworlds, and many systems with Aphantasia (when you can't visualize) simply don't have the ability to create them.

Innerworlds are often created unintentionally as the system grows up, but they can be intentionally created and that can be a beneficial process to the system.

Alter Roles

Alter roles are labels systems can assign to their alters to describe what role they play in the system's life. Some common ones include Host (primary fronter), Protector (self-explanitory), Persecutor (causes the system harm for whatever reason), Traumaholder (alters who hold trauma), and Littles (child alters)

These roles are not hard set, they are simply labels to help explain and put words to what certain alters' jobs in the system may be. And, not all alters have a discernable role.

Introjects

Introjects are alters who form based on an existing identity. This is common in fragments, since they aren't as fully formed, but can of course also happen in fully formed alters.

There are two main catagories of introjects, however many people like to get specific with the terms they use.

Fictives are introjects of fictional characters. This can be from visual media, books, OCs, ect.

Factives are introjects of real people. This can be from friends, abusers, family, celebrities, ect.

Introjects are NOT the same as the thing they are sourced in. They are their own separate people, and should be treated as such.

One of the specific terms I mentioned could be songtives (introjects from songs). I wanted to briefly mention that as an example of the specific terms systems may use.

Co-Con/Co-Front

Co-con, or co-conciousness, is when two or more alters are present at the front. This is usually used to describe one alter fronting, with one or more other alters hanging out nearby and talking occasionally.

Co-front, or co-fronting, is when two or more alters are sharing the front together fully. Think of two people trying to drive the same car at once.

I think I've covered everything I wanted to cover. If I missed anything, said anything incorrect, or you'd like something added please feel free to send an ask or comment/reblog.

#did #osdd #udd #pdid #anti endo #anti tulpa #polyfrag system #c-did #hc-did #ramcoa #actually traumagenic #endos dni #did community #traumagenic did #system #osdd system #actually osdd

[old-school-butch]

Thank you for having anon on, you must get a lot of hate, but i'm a hidden recently deprogrammed ex-TIF and i appreciate being able to... confess to being a woman without being hung for it. i know that when i come out with this i will lose most of my friends because my detransition will "invalidate" them all. they will push me out so they can remain "gay men".

i wanted to ask what you think about ex-TIFs? and if you've seen how it plays out when we (re)integrate into womanhood, from the side of women. i've only seen it from the side of TRAs and it's an excommunication and violent rejection. i'm going to lose my community, and i have (since i started looking into it) fully agreed with most radfem core beliefs you see here on tumblr.

i took testosterone for years, but i also stopped in 2019 because it made me so angry. i have no breasts and a deepened voice. i wonder how radfems might see me. will i seem like a returned traitor?

will other women be interested in me still? i'm bisexual, but was pushed to mainly date men as a TIF because those relationships were "gay" and dating women was hetero and "lesser" love. i don't want to center men anymore. but i have no breasts, and i have no woman's voice. do women care? i don't know.

i ask you because you are older and maybe you would know. my best wishes to you. thank you.

I keep anon on for just this reason, because I remember how insane I felt when I found the courage to stop pushing aside those thoughts that, surely, everyone knows we're making all this up and just being nice, right?

It's an unfortunate part of human nature that it's easier to con someone than persuade them they've been conned. Once the con is taken up, it's agonizing to admit it and pull away from it. You have to live with the harms you've done along the way, which I admit to and which will eventually weigh on you as well. It's not easy, especially when your immediate friends will be harsh with you. If they don't cast you out, you might find yourself self-isolating to pre-emptively remove yourself and spare yourself the pain.

I'm not going to lie, you will encounter women who regard you as a traitor because they, themselves, have not come to terms with the harms they've done, or they've been lucky enough to not have been tested on this crucible and can't believe that anyone can be turned so upside down as we have.

However, you're not alone. I have no statistics but in meeting younger lesbians I'd guess at least 1 in 3 of them are detransitioners from varying stages of identifying as trans. If you are same-sex attracted or gender non-conforming in any way, today's society will digest that as 'trans?' and without saying a word you will find yourself being they/them without ever asking, and transition will be suggested if you suffer from so much as a bad period cramp or any frustration with your body. As women and as lesbians, we experience so much pain that society ignores, and the most powerful articulation of that anguish in our time is 'this can't be the body I'm meant to be in.' Like anorexia, dissociative identities, cutting and other expressions of female despair, we are permitted to lash out destructively as long as we bring down that rage on our own bodies. We continue to inhabit these scarred battlefields long after the fighting has moved on.

I guess the main thing to know is that you are not alone. In fact, I suspect that the 'part of my story where I was convinced I was trans' is going to be part of the coming-out pantheon for lesbians in the future that is as common as having a crush on a straight friend and have the talk with your parents. I don't think having breasts or a deeper voice will condemn you to loneliness, I don't think anyone can blame you for what's happening or being swept up in it. If they do, you can ask them why they didn't stop you, why their voices didn't reach you when you needed it most, and why - now that you've found your own way home with very little help from anyone around you - they aren't appreciating the courage and effort it took for you to find your way.

Welcome home, sister.

[ryethebrokengae]

TW/CW: talk of dissociation, and trauma

Head Cannons of Ghost Riley with a Civi!S/O who deals with dissociation:

Ghost:

~This man has most definitely dealt with dissociation himself so he understands

~While the reason he dissociates is different he is able to be empathetic

~If you didn't tell him he would still notice

~He would see how sometimes you stare off into space for prolonged periods of time

~How sometimes it will take you a good minute to process that he's talking to you

~If you did tell him one of his first questions(imo) would be 'How do you need me to support you' [I don't think he'd say it like that, but that's the jist of it]

~If you asked him to call and/or text you if you've been in the bathroom for more than twenty minutes (if you're not showering ofc) he would, he'd definitely set a little stop watch on his phone

~If you asked him to help ground you when he found you spaced out on the couch or something he'd 1000% help with that

~This man would be the best weighted blanket you can't convince me otherwise

~If you were dissociating while somewhere important where you need to either be on your guard(He thinks that's everywhere, but he's got you covered on that) or pay attention he'd hold your hand, squeezing it every once in awhile to bring you back to the present

~He knows what it's like to be stuck in a loop of your trauma while dissociated, so he'd know when you were keeping yourself busy or sleeping just to keep out of your own mind

~If you've been dating for a while he'd offer to listen to your trauma because he knows getting it out of your brain is better than keeping it in(no matter how little he listens to his own advice)

~If you weren't comfortable talking to him about it he'd get you a journal to write it down in

~If you only felt comfortable talking to him about it vaguely he'd still listen

~Even if you just wanted to talk about something completely unrelated he'd listen

~If the reason you didn't want to tell him about your trauma was because you've been invalidated by so many people he'd assure you he wouldn't do that, but wouldn't push you to talk about it

~If all you needed was him to comfort you he 100% would

~We know he's not big on physical touch, but if you've been going out for 6-8months I feel like he'd be a lot more comfortable with it and would be willing to offer it to you even if he doesn't like it much himself

~He understands that sometimes it's just too painful to be fully conscious, so he wouldn't force you to be

~If all you could do was hum in response with a slightly pained look on your face his heart would absolutely break

~Behind his balaclava he'd have a worried expression on his face

~He'd sit down next to you and tug you closer, wrapping his arms around you

~I don't think he would talk to you, unless you'd been out of it for 45+ minutes

~If you've been dissociated for that long I think he'd bring you out of it at that point

~Knowing that it's not healthy to be dissociated for that long

~He'd get you some water and maybe a snack

~If you're tired after you come out of it he'd hold you to his chest, putting enough pressure to keep you grounded

~If you're restless he'd go on a walk with you, holding your hand, and keep you talking so you don't space out again

~All in all he'd be fantastic about it

#ghost Riley fluff #simon 'ghost' riley fluff #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley #simon riley comfort

[moonpool-system]

Ok so for questions, i think i'll send a bunch.

- How it feels to switch?

- Do you talk to each other?

- Are switches completely uncontrollable all the time or it's fluctuates?

- who is the oldest fictive in the system, in terms of being in the systems, not age in source? How much they changed?

- some examples of fictive being extremely different from source?

- Is there fictives of ongoing series/game/etc which don't have end yet? How they react to their original and plot? Can they watch it, or they prefer not to? Does it mess with their memories?

- silly question. Let's say you are werewolf, and everyone can choose one animal for themself, instead of a wolf to become it. what would be the most popular choice, and what everyone thinks? How they approach it?

Hello! Thank you for your patience!

🌌 Switching feels different depending on the member and situation, tbh! Our monoconscious switches feel basically like a slow sort of shapeshifting. We start out feeling like one member, and there's an in-between period of feeling like someone stirred together too many colors into a mush, and we come out the other side re-formed into the other member. We don't know what happens to monoconscious members that leave front/the consciousness- sometimes they're gone for months, and feel like they've been unconscious/unaware the entire time when they return. As for polyconscious members though, for us it usually feels like letting go of control and allowing the perspective of the other person/member to take your place. Falling out of front sort of feels like dozing off to sleep for me since my subsystem can't enter headspace, but the line between fully fronting and simply co-conscious is much thinner than we used to think. Sometimes we won't even notice before someone in co-con slips into front, using the body for themselves. "Front" is a doubly accurate word here because the person most in front often feels like the one that's "facing forwards the most" toward the outside world. When unintentional (polycon) switches happen there's usually a block of dissociation in the middle as well, where we feel like nothing (rather than color soup for monocon ones) for a little bit. In general, a full switch takes between 5 and 20 minutes for us.

🌌 We talk to each other frequently, even though our actual ability to call people to co-con outside of our frequent fronters is a little sketchy depending on where they are in headspace. Our communication is part of what keeps us grounded and stable; being able to hear each other lessens our paranoia and allows us to hang out or work together without needing to all be fully fronting. Things our co-conscious members say simply sound like a mental voice that's different from mine/ours- when we're texting others, the member most in front proxies out the words said by other members so that they don't need to use the body to type.

🌌 It fluctuates! Rarely they're uncontrollable, sometimes they're involuntary but we're able to pull in who we need to if we force it, and sometimes they're voluntary enough that the old fronter makes the choice to let go whilst the new fronter makes the choice to "slip in".

🌌 The earliest known fictive in the system is a Peridot (Steven Universe) fictive that formed around when we were 14 or so, but they're so incredibly quiet and keep to themself, so we don't know much about them actually. The secondmost though is Akira (Persona 5)- ae formed around high school, when we needed to advocate for ourselves due to autism and high school troubles. He used to be our main host, loud and proud about our disability(/ies, but we didnt know that at the time). Nowadays ae actually separated into two versions of aerself- one that stayed with the Prism subsystem and another that ended up outside it. The two are connected intrinsically, and both are constantly burnt out and enjoy cooking/food. The latter one runs a café/bar/lounge in headspace and likes to flirt around lol

🌌 We have quite a few fictives from sources that haven't ended yet- the one that's been around most lately is Pomni (The Amazing Digital Circus). A lot of our fictives consider their exomemories a past life under Chaos Theory regardless of origin; it's most common for fictives to be mostly canon-compliant with a few divergent memories. So when we watch more of source, it tends to either clear up foggy memories or give our members something to compare/contrast against. Not many of our fictives watch their source actively in front, but they (usually) end up getting the information on what happened regardless. Most of our fictives are fairly source-positive, but that doesn't mean things can't be rough sometimes- episode 2 of TADC still has Pomni a little shaken. (I wouldn't be mentioning it here if she hadn't made a vent post earlier, privacy and all)

🌌 This is a fun question!! We have a lot of nonhumans but not too many animals/creatures/etc, so it's easier to get a rough estimate among our members lol. Most of our Creatures™ are cat-coded or like in-between felid and canid in some way- we actually have an original species in the system as well, so I think we'd probably go with this!

Here's a picture of Kit, one of our members of the species! It's roughly sourced from the Slugcats from Rain World, but clearly a lot has shifted and changed ahaha. We'd probably choose this form for were-purposes- our more creature™ members would feel so much more comfortable. Plus, being able to be so physically athletic while transformed would be great for a lot of our cooped-up members!

Thank you so much for the questions! Have a lovely day!

#plurality #plural system #pluralgang #plural community #actually plural #plural #fictive #mixed origin system #plural questions

[mojaves]

🖊️🩹🍎💘🥯🍛🍸 for seb :]

🖊️ BALLPOINT PEN — does your oc have any tattoos? do they want any (more) tattoos?

he has SO many tattoos,, im not gonna go into them all bc i would be here all day but he has a lot of roses and skulls as a central theme - he got a lot of those fairly young and still part of the valentinos. later on, when he started working at arasaka, the theme shifted more over to roses and snakes. he hadnt fully let go of his past with the valentinos, and wanted so desperately to go back, and felt like he was betraying them in some way by working for a corporation, so the snakes were there almost to mock himself, in a way. and it's even more fun when you learn he's part of Project Cobra, which is one of arasaka's many fun little experiments [:

🩹 ADHESIVE BANDAGE — does your oc have any physical and/or mental disabilities?

he has Very strong jaw plating - basically a whole new prosthetic jaw at this point, as well as a prosthetic leg, both of which were caused by some incidents at arasaka [: they do cause him some pain and discomfort from time to time, which often gets worse when he goes through phases of completely forgetting to look after himself [which happens very often when he's far too focused on a job to an unhealthy degree, but he's getting much better at it now] and on top of all of That, the chip arasaka put in his brain, along with all the parts required to make it work, essentially fried his brain and caused some permanent damage - hallucinations, horrible nausea and vomitting, headaches, periods of dissociation, all of which get worse when under extreme stress, which happens to him a LOT in his line of work. at its worst, he struggles with being able to differentiate between his own mind and reality, which takes some time to snap out of. basically!!! arasaka messed him up big time!!!

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

he was born + raised in the glen in night city, and now. well. i KNOW i have it written down somewhere but i cannot find the lore,,, so maybe im wrong but i think he either lives in westbrook [still haywood] OR charter hill now, which is the next district over,, either way, he absolutely does Not want to live in the glen ever again, entirely because of the possibility of running into his father, and all the memories that would resurface bc of it. but at the same time, he doesn't want to stray too far from his roots... staying sort of close by keeps him grounded

💘 HEART WITH ARROW — what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?

OHHH so many people. SO many. cassidy, his husband, first and foremost. they are INSEPERABLE and have been through entirely too much together,, even when they were still trying to kill each other, cassidy was very much THE most important person in seb's life at that moment. then there's his siblings, luci, josie, and luiza. they were separated for almost 20 years, so he never got to see luci and josie grow up, which kills him every time he thinks about it, and he doesnt Ever want anything like that to happen again. then theres hanan, who is one of the VERY few reasons seb survived arasaka at all in the first place,,, theres so much more i can say about that but thats for another day. theres also aubrey, who also happens to be one of the very few reasons why seb survives another total shitstorm of an incident later in the timeline,,, AND is also his boyfriend. btw. if you even care. theres also his whole gang, the rest of the people he works with,,,, theres SO many people. so many. and just. thinking about all the shit he's gone through, and still being able to love and trust people as much as he does... ouhhh it's killing me alright.

🥯 BAGEL — what does your oc's typical breakfast look like? do they usually eat breakfast?

for MANY years it wouldve been a triple shot espresso black coffee. and that wouldve been the only 'meal' until like. 3 or 4pm. or whenever someone made him remember that he needs to Eat every once in a while. But!! but... once cassidy comes along, and they start getting closer, well. seb realises that maaayyybe he needs to start looking after himself a little better. and making breakfasts occasionally for both him and cassidy helps SO much with that,,, and by then it's mostly just pancakes or waffles,, but sometimes he might make something a little fancy if he's feeling brave [and wants to impress cassidy soooooo bad] safe to say he's eating MUCH better now, and more regularly, and is just overall more healthy,, funny what a guy trying to kill you MULTIPLE times can do to you!!

🍛 CURRY AND RICE — what does your oc's typical dinner look like? do they usually eat dinner?

like before, it wouldve just been a noodle cup - most likely completely unseasoned and a little undercooked bc he was NOT paying attention to anything and was also too impatient [on account of being hunfry as all hell] to wait any longer. now, it's always something very filling, full of veggies,,, AND flavour [no more salt water flavouring!!!] he loves cooking sososososo much, and lost the passion for it for quite a few years from when he got kicked out of home to leaving arasaka,,, and he regrets it SO much, but with the circumstances, there was nothing he could've done. he can't change it, but he can try his best to make sure that never happens again. making things his past self would be proud of... his favourite quick meal to whip up is a beef stir fry [:

🍸 COCKTAIL GLASS — what is your oc's favorite alcoholic drink, if they can drink?

he's a little fruity... a little limp wristed............ he loves a good cocktail... the more insane sounding and unnaturally coloured the better. he will down 10 in a row. [he's large and. well. not completely immune to alcohol but he has an Absurdly high tolerance. thanks arasaka!!!!] he tends to avoid drinking most of the time though, bc it generally causes him to spiral VERY badly to the point where he is drinking for days on end, so he's very careful about what he drinks and when, and luckily he's always around someone he trusts when drinking, so they can make sure he stops if he seems like he's getting a little too lost in the sauce

#oc seb #my sweet baby boy angel who has so many problems i need to make out with him

[night-wyld-system]

What is RAMCOA?

RAMCOA stands for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse. It is a community term, primarily used by cult and trafficking in survivors as well as people who have been victims of organized crime such as gangs and cartels. There is indeed some literature that uses this term, however as far as I'm aware this is not something that is broadly used in the medical community to explain specific mental effects. Oftentimes the people who are open about being a survivor of such are doing this and hopes of finding others that they can relate to, which is why I am open about it.

Before you go on making assumptions that this isn't real or does not happen I would like to explain what these things mean because a lot of people get very hung up on the middle one.

Ritual abuse simply means that the abuse continues in the same way for the same reasons over an extended period of time. If someone beats their child every single Monday and the exact same way with the exact same methods, it is a form of ritual abuse because it is done in a way that causes specific mental issues to where you associate certain days or weeks or even specific dates with a horrific event. Ritual abuse is a ritual in the sense of people having habits- they're rituals in the sense of brushing your teeth before bed. People who originally hear this word often do not connect the correct definition to this concept. A lot of people will hear of ritual abuse and assume some weird cultic summoning of an evil God from a video game. As long as somebody is abusing you specifically and primarily in the form of torture for doing a specific action, or speaking a specific way, or because it is a specific day of the week, or specific date of the year in which they do this every single year on repeat, it is constitutable as ritual abuse.

The second is mind control which a lot of people seem to have a massive issue with the terminology for. This is incredibly annoying to me as somebody who finds this terminology to be the most accurate way to define it. Mind control in this sense is not of some magic or some weird sci-fi contraption, it's very straightforward and in the sense of things such as cult brainwashing. People who are unaware of how easy it is to take advantage of people's psyche often come to the conclusion that this is impossible, this is not good as it puts these specific individuals at higher risk for being abused in this way than others who are aware of how it works and what it is. I am an extensive victim of this. A lot of the time when it comes to RAMCOA and the people speaking about it online, you will come across people like me who have dissociative identity disorder that was induced purposefully by their abusers. This is one form of Mind Control it is actively changing the mental state of a person. This is something that can only happen with someone who is abusing a child. At least for fully inducing the disorder in the first place. In addition I also was taught to have a specific cult personality while I was growing up in a cult that is considered a form of Mind Control via brainwashing and an alteration of what my personality may have been without the abuse.

Oftentimes this comes in the form of one of three methods. Drug based mind control, hypnosis based mind control, and trauma/torture based mind control, are primarily the ways this happens. To my knowledge I experienced both drug based mind control and torture. The reason why tbmc has the T stand for either trauma or torture is usually because a lot of people get really uncomfortable and scared of accepting that what happened to them was a form of torture. Some people would rather call it trauma because they feel like they can't claim the label of torture even when it definitely is. Sometimes this is cognitive dissonance because you don't want to accept how bad it is or if you're very dissociative, other times it's because of how cruel people can be in general and how often people are so misinformed about how torture works. Trafficking by definition is a form of sexual torture. Being beaten into acting in a specific way is a form of torture in a lot of cases.

The final of all of this is organized abuse. Organized abuse is when people engage in abusing a large amount of victims. This includes things such as organized crime, gangs, cults, trafficking, the training of soldiers in the military (in many cases to my understanding), and anything else that falls within that definition. A large number of the people online who use RAMCOA to define what they went through have experienced organized abuse. This is because organized abuse almost always includes ritual abuse and or mind control. It is incredibly difficult to grow up in a cult without experiencing cult brainwashing. The majority of cults that would brainwash someone also abuse people in the cult and they do so on specific days of whatever calendar they follow, usually a religious calendar.

The trafficking getting more extreme and abusive around Easter and Christmas when I was a child as part of why I started feeling violently ill around those times of the year. It was a consistent presence in my childhood and my body and mind learned to accept and anticipate this would have happened every year even a decade after I've been safe from them.

#ramcoa tw #ramcoa #ritual abuse #mind control #organized abuse #cult #cult tw #gang violence #abuse

[evieofdestruction]

how my dissociative identity disorder presents :)

so i had someone ask me what do my symptoms look like when it comes to did and i want to give a little bit of a look into how my disorder presents (and i’m curious to see if this is the same for anyone else)

-i have a lot of alters it feels like everyday i have someone new or who didn’t have a name front and sometimes it feels like i’m faking it because i can’t possibly have that many people

- i rarely have black out switches, most of the time they’re co-conscious and it feels like i am viewing my body from the outside or as if someone has completely control of my body

-my switches are usually rapid, i sometimes don’t notice them but depending on the scenario they can take upwards of 5 minutes

-my amnesia is very heavy. at this point i do not remember my childhood and adolescence basically at all. i will look at pictures and not even recognize myself or remember that that is me in the picture.

-i do not have any memory at all from the last 4 years. i have about 3 months worth of memory right now.

-my alters do have memory thought but i cannot access that memory even if i’m co-conscious. if i try to get access to those memories i will start panicking/having an anxiety attack and my body will do everything it can to make me not have access to those memories

-my dissociation is very heavy it happens most if i am in fight or flight, uncomfy, or driving. i will shut down completely sometimes to the point where i can’t move, think, or speak

- my alters (me included) are fully formed human beings with wants needs desires opinions etc but most of us do not have back stories. we are like an oc/sim that was just made in a certain age of life and just hasn’t had the rest of the information filled in so it can be hard to have deep conversations or “get to know” us in a memories/normal sense of the word.

-i think i’m faking it all the time 24/7 it is so hard to handle because my body doesn’t want me to know i have this disorder.

-my symptoms as a child were not recognizing myself in the mirror, likes and dislikes changing frequently, maladaptive daydreaming, going by different names, having multiple conversations in my head, pretending i was a different person/in a different time period

-my alters have the same voice in my head but it’s feels like a different person. it’s not the thoughts that i’m having because they talk back and add their own things.

sooooo let me know if you want to know more or if you experience similar things my dms are open i definitely want to know what other people with this disorder experience!

#dissociation #dissociative alters #dissociative system #dissociate identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #dissociative disorder #actually dissociative #did community #did stuff #did positivity #did system

[queenburd]

curious of. the narrator Says that he is able to remain more put together post skip ending, because his mind works differently from stanley's - curious of. to what degree that *is* the function by which he is holding together, vs to what degree (if any!!) there is a more human-normal dissociation/compartmentalization involved ??

yeah so he's kind of lying.

not fully. but he's doing that thing again where he's focusing on Stanley and choosing to compartmentalize his own feelings into the boxes of "we're not going to address that! yay!" that he does not look at.

okay, let me rewind a little bit, because there IS more to this.

So I've been reading a fantastic fic called txtFileNotFound.pdf, and the Narrator in this fic literally ends up uploading almost all his memories of a run into VHS tapes. He leaves like, the MOST recent save, but the chunk of it, the actual experience of it in its rawest form, gets loaded away and he honestly never has to look at it again if he doesn't want to.

and this is a FASCINATING concept to me.

the Narrator how I write him doesn't do this, it's not the same, but I was definitely influenced by this fic. he remembers experiences, but he's honestly had so many that are so similar that at a point, things start to blend into each other. it's part of why he tries so hard to make things fun and new for Stanley.

And because he has had so many, so similar to each other, he can to some degree (and it's probably part of the game design) put the previous memory runs to the side. So what ends up happening is he has the skeleton of the experience, but not the finer details.

The first time they did the Zending, he only remembered them getting to the starry dome (and that's as far as his script showed him). the first time they did the confusion ending, he only had bits and pieces. (over time, as they did these things again, he got more of the skeleton, but he's not going to remember the full meat of a run unless Stanley reminds him.)

So, Skip button is... complicated. Because there is SO MUCH LENGTH OF TIME, it's hard to NOT know what happened, but also, people aren't meant to remember that much time. So for the narrator, it's both coping mechanism and part of the game to try to contract it down to "the moments something happened" and the basic gist of the situation. people are NOT designed to remember long periods of nothing.

so he's compartmentalizing. the game and its structure is helping him, in this moment, because it keeps the wheel turning. and because he NEEDS to compartmentalize it, as much as possible, so he doesn't fall into the trap of fixating. which started the problem to begin with.

which is also why later when Stanley is like "we kind of need to process it?" hes like "I DONT. WANT. TO DO THAT. YET." because if he does, he's gonna get stuck, and he is not at a point yet to get himself unstuck.

(that's why he's like "can it wait till I finish this body. so like. I have this thing done and have one less thing to worry about." and later when they DO process it, Stanley will have a PHYSICAL way to pull him back to the present.)

#tsp #the sparrow parable #hey anon Im getting the sense that you're working through the fics! so #some of these might be 'spoilers'? eh? #but like. not enough for me to care

[perplexingluciddreams]

When you were semiverbal and your speech started to decline more what was a big difference? Like how could you tell?

did you notice or did others point it out to you?

When did those moments where you would “dump” a bunch of words out at once stop?

2nd questiom: you mentioned that when you got aac , you weren’t expecting for your speech to continue to decline to fully nonverbal, did people ever think that the aac somehow “caused” you to continue to regress in speech. How did you get aac, did you convince people somehow or did they suggest?

I didn’t notice, not for a long time. Especially because I’d always had so much difficulty with speech and communication throughout my entire life. And because of my physical conditions declining around the same period of time, I saw less and less people and spent more and more time alone in my room, so it wasn’t noticed that I went days or weeks barely saying a word. A lot of my communication became text-based then, so then the only words I would say often would be “thanks” or “thank you”, or occasionally the name of an object and the word “please”, for example “water please”.

I was half-aware that my speech became more unreliable and uncontrollable at or around puberty (starting age 10 or 11). I would go long periods without being capable of any kind of interaction without having a huge meltdown (I would not interact at all during school hours, then when I would come home and my mum would try to ask me a simple question I’d suddenly be painfully jolted out of my dissociative trance, and all the sensory triggers I’d been experiencing all day came rushing into my brain all at once. What followed, in a rather predictable pattern, is I would be unable to give a proper response to the question, shout or scream words unintentionally, and run upstairs trying to take my school uniform off as quickly as possible, my body slamming doors and shouting/screaming and throwing things without my control all the way. These meltdowns happened almost daily (and sometimes more than once in a day) from about age 10-13, I think.

The other side of the coin to this was when, instead of shutting down all day at school (and in any social setting) to deal with the constant painful overwhelm, my body reacted by instead being incapable of staying still and quiet. This is when all of my scripts and echolalia (both the ones that were created intentionally, and the ones that just somehow found their way into the obsessive and repetitive part of my mind), would come out like a “dump” of words. I remember being very internally distressed whenever this happened, although not visibly on the outside because it was these moments where my body was the most out of my control. It was very upsetting to me that this always seemed to happen when I was around the people I liked/loved the most, and I regularly said things to them that didn’t match up with my thoughts at all. I felt like such a liar, even though at the same time I knew I could not control it. The last time this “dump” of words happened was at age 16, I believe. But it was a lot less than it had been previously, less words coming out at a slower speed, as I was already far on my way to losing my physical ability to speak at that point.

I wasn’t expecting my speech to fully decline to nonverbal mostly because I had no idea what was going to happen. I wasn’t expecting anything, really. I think it was my mum who finally suggested AAC, after we had tried writing by hand, typing, and learning some BSL. I’m not sure if I managed to bring it up first or not, I can’t remember if I externalised those thoughts or if they stayed locked internally. It took me a long time, lots of research, and lots of (attempted, but inaccurate) explanations until I could finally communicate what was happening with my speech, and just how much I was struggling.

Nobody ever said that AAC caused my continued speech decline (I don’t think so anyway), as I really continued to try to speak even once I was at the point where it was just unintelligible noises coming out of my mouth. I pushed it right to the end. I do remember one instance where my brain was STILL trying to make words I didn’t agree with come out of my mouth, and I had this unfortunate script that I picked up from an autistic person on TikTok (it just found it’s way into my brain and I was so angry and upset about it), who said something like “I CAN force it like this, but it’s so tiring”. And even though that was the opposite of true for me at that point, my mouth managed to make those words come out clearer than the rest. Thinking about it distresses me even now, and I don’t think I ever managed to communicate that specific experience to my mum until writing it now. So if you would count that as a “dump” of words, that happened at 16 also, right when I had lost almost all physical speech ability.

- Extra things to add that I think I missed: I definitely didn’t have to do any “convincing” when it came to communicating my experiences and things like AAC, once I managed to externalise my thoughts and feelings it was clear to other people that I was telling the truth. It couldn’t be hidden or ignored by that point, anyway (and I was never a high-masking autistic, I was never capable of masking really. I used to try and suppress my movements and sometimes managed to channel it into something slightly smaller but that was the only “masking” I ever managed to do). When I refer to the “dump” of words, it was basically my already unreliable speech going out of control, along with my body’s movements. And when I use the term “unreliable speech” I’m not just referring to it being hard to talk, I’m using the definition “a person may be able to speak, but not able to say what they want, for example saying “go away” obsessively or repeatedly, when the person intends to say “hello”. Doing or saying something that you don’t want to do, is called “motor disinhibition”. I talk about this experience a lot as it’s something that affects me a lot. Anxiety also significantly impacts my ability to control my body, so if I was put in a social situation it would often trigger this disinhibition, and possibly make it appear as if I was socialising.

Apologies for this being so long and ramble-y, I tried my best to answer the questions clearly. It can be difficult with complex topics like this, as my brain just wants to go on a million tangents!

#anon ask #autism #autistic #nonverbal #nonspeaking #unreliably speaking #apraxia #dyspraxia #apraxic #dyspraxic #motor disinhibition #autism regression #autistic catatonia #catatonia #aac #aacdevice #words from my head

[ambroseandmox]

Hm.

Personal rambling under the cut.

I've been having gender dysphoria again, after several years without it.

I'm talking full blown crisis over not having a dick. It's not as bad as it has been before, but the desperate feeling of being wrong is there.

I've never liked having breasts, and I actually have been trying to get medically cleared for breast reduction surgery for decades, but apparently I need to be skinny to qualify, and losing weight makes the back pain unbearable. For a very long time, I assumed the bad feelings I have about my body were from the combination of being fat (and teased mercilessly for it as a kid) and having seriously big boobs (and even more mercilessly teased for that). I have lived my whole life in huge shirts to try and hide it, but I now think I have far deeper issues than that.

But I also don't want to transition. I want nothing to do with beards or body hair. I usually lean towards wishing I could be androgynous, but that doesn't fit quite right either.

I never had a huge sense of "I can't be female" as a kid. I preferred boy toys a lot of the time, but I still played with dolls as well as cars. I was always a tomboy in that I loved pro wrestling and preferred playing with boys to talking about them and doing makeup with the girls. As I got older, I began to realize that I am definitely on the asexual spectrum, so I thought that was it.

I have, more than once, been mistaken for a guy. And it has always felt bad - shameful. So I don't think I'm fully trans? But I think the shame is more that I have failed to perform femininity adequately, if that makes sense.

I don't know. I'm rambling. There are times where I love having long hair and wearing cute fuzzy purple sweaters with skinny jeans. But there are also times where I want to cut my hair short and bind and wear jeans and combat boots. Just this morning I found myself standing in my kitchen with my arms folded and cursing that I had boobs in the way. When I feel more masculine I even move differently, stand differently, I stand taller and take up more space, but when I feel more feminine, I curl up small when sitting and relax my posture. Is this what it feels like to be genderfluid?

I also have chronic pain so I don't often feel connected to my body. Is that why the gender feels come and go? Would I be more aware of it if I didn't dissociate from the physical quite so much? Or is it truly a once every five year phase? I have no idea.

Is dropping back into a Batfam place - which is a very male-centred thing - a reason why I'm feeling like this now? Or is it because I've started lifting weights (to rehab a shoulder injury) and getting into some fitness stuff making me think more about the physical form? Because I've started looking into breast reduction surgery seriously again (and im willing to pay out of pocket if I have to)?

I don't know if any of this ties together. Most of the time I just feel like a brain in a meat suit and I don't particularly care what it's form is. It's strange to have gender feelings at all, but sometimes they show up, I guess. And like I said, I think the last time I had a dysphoric period was in 2017-2018, and it faded. Since then I've had some periods of feeling feminine, but usually no gender feels at all.

I like feeling like I understand things, so being so unsure about all this is maddening. But I guess I don't need to figure it all out. But I also feel like I can't talk to people in my real life about it until I DO have at least some of it figured out. I'm not out to anyone at all. And I needed a place to get some of this out.

#gender identity #gender issues #personal #gender dysphoria #closeted #i dunno y'all I'm sorry but i need to vent i guess

[honeysuckle-venom]

Hi Lior 💜 could you talk a bit about how it feels/how you can tell when a part has fused vs. when they've gone dormant? I have a few parts who I thought had integrated, but now I'm questioning it, and I'm curious on what that distinction has felt like for you or how you were able to determine when parts had fused

Hi Blue!

Thank you so much for this fascinating question! Unfortunately I don't have a 100% clear answer for you, but I can do my best.

To a certain extent, I've also had trouble telling the difference, and there have been times when I've questioned whether alters have fused or just gone dormant. In fact, not being certain of that is why I tend to say we're "mostly fused" or "pretty much fused" because I think there's a good chance that we're fully fused, but also a chance that most of us have fused but some are just dormant, and we do have brief periods where we...unfuse briefly? It's a little bit fluid.

But! I do have a handle on some differences! The biggest way I have to tell is if I have access to the things that used to be held by a certain alter. That could mean memories, but more often for me that means certain emotions and/or aspects of identity. The biggest way I can tell that we've fused is having a much much fuller range of emotions and reactions than I used to. I feel whole and present and able to experience things fully in a way that wasn't possible in the past. And certain alters tend to contain specific abilities to experience things, and so when I can experience those things without switching I know it's come from fusion. I'll give an example. Probably one of the earliest alters I fused with was Cypher, who held the majority of our anger. Before fusing I was incapable of experiencing and admitting to anger, and as soon as I started to be angry I would switch with her and/or have a psychotic episode. Now that she has fused, I can and do become angry as myself. But it's not the overwhelming single-minded anger that Cypher experienced; just as she gave me access to anger by fusing, I gave her the ability to temper that anger somewhat and to feel other things alongside it. So now we can experience anger without dissociating or switching, I stay myself and hold onto everything that makes me "me", but I also have the ability to be angry and protective that she once held exclusively. If, instead, I never got angry about anything, I would suspect that she had gone dormant instead of fused.

That example was a pretty clear case, however. There are other alters where their role was less defined, and so it may be harder to tell if they've fused or just become very quiet. But still, even with other alters I can usually find something that they held that I didn't have access to, and if I do have access to it now that points me towards fusion instead of dormancy. It's not 100%, but that's the main way I have to tell the difference.

The other way I have to tell is much harder to describe and may not be at all applicable to anyone else, because it's just kind of...a feeling? There's this sense that I have now that my head is...full and bright and connected, but quiet at the same time? I don't entirely know how to describe it, but back before we fused I didn't ever realize this but it felt kind of like, both really loud and really empty inside at once? Like I was locked out of something, alone and lonely, but also surrounded by conflict and noise and other parts who were separate. And now it feels less lonely, even though there's not talking anymore. It feels warm and yellow and connected, and quiet but in a peaceful way. Like the quiet of a cozy library with lots of people reading silently together, instead of the quiet of being cut off and alone like when everyone else is dormant, or the feeling of being in one room alone with other people shouting from down the hall like before we fused. Again, that's just how it feels internally to me personally, so may not be applicable at all, but yeah. That's how fusion feels to us.

#answers #about us #did stuff #fusion #final fusion #this was very interesting to think about and answer #i hope it was helpful

[utilitycaster]

I'm Reading the Drizzt Novels and You Can't Stop Me: Exile

I DID knock a second book out, which means at this rate I will start reading books I haven't already read by May if we go by "two in a month" but by late March if we go by "one a week" I should probably speed this up.

Exile is much simpler plot wise and also, despite being the middle child of the Dark Elf trilogy, is the best, because it's Drizzt Depression Hours and also is our last long look at Menzoberranzan drama for a while.

So Drizzt and his lavender orbs ran away from Menzoberranzan at the end of Homeland, and Exile covers this period. Basically, being alone in the Underdark is soul-crushing, and he develops a dissociative identity he calls The Hunter who is focused on survival, but is at the risk of losing his personhood but for Guenhwyvar, who, as an astral plane summoned spirit of a panther, can only be around half a day every two days. He is fucking losing it and himself and is constantly having internal battles because he's so desperately lonely he risks being found by potentially hostile creatures but also The Hunter is like STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING and generally he is utterly miserable. I enjoy this kind of shit in fiction, so this is great.

Back in Menzoberranzan, House Do'Urden, with help from Bregan D'aerthe (more on this in a second), wrecks but doesn't fully annihilate House Hun'ett but Head Matron Baenre is like "you shall absorb House Hun'ett and take your place on the ruling council of the eight top matrons" to Malice because Lolth wills it. Why does Lolth will it? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Anyway SiNaFay Hun'ett does NOT like this but goes along with it, pretending to be the eldest Do'Urden daughter. Briza Do'Urden, meanwhile, hates this.

Let's talk about Bregan Da'erthe because it's led by the greatest fucking guy ever: Jarlaxle. Jarlaxle is, undeniably, the most gay-coded character that has ever fucking existed. He is a bald drow man (in a matriarchal society) and exists outside the house structure, running a band of (male) rogues and mercenaries and assassins for hire and is basically making the most of his low status by being 100% only out for himself at all times. His outfit is rainbow colored in both the heat spectrum (this is how drow darkvision is explained, that they simply have infrared) AND the regular light spectrum. He owns what I think I described as boots of cuntiness which permit him to be soundless OR make sound, and canonically in a later book deliberately makes heel click sounds on a soft carpet in order to be Like That. He is generally at all times introduced as being one of a kind and out of the bounds of typical drow society and I love him.

The core of the plot actually kicks off when Malice sends Dinin and Briza (Drizzt's older brother and sister) to find him in the tunnels and kill him. They do find him, but fail to kill him, and Drizzt realizes "oh huh the highlight of my entire fucking year was my horrible siblings trying to murder me bc I'm so touch-starved that the lash of Briza's whip feels good, I should...do something about this." (He is also tormented bc he nearly breaks his vow to never kill another drow; as a paladin fan I love someone tormented by a nearly broken vow but like, babygirl they tried to kill you, you're being silly). What he does, because there's no therapy in the Underdark, is start stalking the svirfnebli, and eventually he sneaks into Blingdenstone, where they live. He turns himself in and basically gives himself over to their mercy on the grounds that he'd rather die among a relatively decent-seeming society than become more and more murderous in the tunnels. This will be echoed in a very unsubtle way by another character later.

Malice, realizing that Lolth is getting really mad that they can't seem to kill Drizzt, asks for a major boon which is inexplicably called Zin-carla, which basically lets her semi-puppet/semi-observe through the eyes of a reanimated Zaknafein, on the grounds that he is the only person who can probably kill Drizzt and also, well, it's real malicious. To do this, she sacrifices SiNaFay, which she and Briza think is just grand. Drizzt is at this time getting interrogated by gnomes who have silly names and talk a bit like Yoda, but eventually he asks about the gnome whom he spared during a patrol years ago. This gnome, named Belwar Dissengulp (this is not remotely the stupidest name in this series) vouches for him and also has sweet stone-working hands. He takes in the deeply traumatized Drizzt, who, after a brief but mercifully non-lethal Hunter outburst while hanging out with some gnome youths, starts to reacclimate to society and be like "wow so you're NOT all scheming against each other constantly? I must be in paradise." The gnomes begin to accept him as well and return his surrendered scimitars and panther, and all is very heartwarming until one day the Zakafein attacks.

This comes to the attention of the council of Blingdenstone because one of them, named Firble (also not the stupidest name in this series) is paying Jarlaxle for intel. This all travels up the line to King Schnicktick (still not the stupidest name in this series but we're getting up there) who's like Drizzt you gotta leave, and he does, but Belwar goes with him, so it's way less sad!

The rest of the book is their adventures running from Zaknafein and Drizzt being like "but my father is dead! but how" and I went long on the summary of the earlier stuff so the important things are:

They come across a pech (intelligent little rock creature) who has been polymorphed into a hook horror by an evil wizard and is losing himself and becoming the monster, in, yes, a very unsubtle and literal parallel to Drizzt. They call him Clacker and travel with him.

They run into the evil and deeply unhinged wizard who has a (written) accent I can best describe to TAZ fans as "Magic Brian" and best describe to D20 fans as "Romance Partner Baron from the Baronies." I am not an audiobook woman but I'm tempted to see how this is done in audio format.* Anyway Clacker loses himself to a rage and murders the wizard (Brister Fendlestick, not the stupidest name etc) and Drizzt is currently a fighter and Belwar has very limited abilities re: magic as well so they can't do anything about this. Also it's 2e right now so idk if you can just dispell or if you do need the original wizard.

The crew gets trapped by illithids who do their creepy-ass mind-control but as Zak is undead, he comes through like a sword tornado and unintentionally frees Drizzt, Belwar, and Clacker from their mind-slavery. Combat between our heroes, Zak, AND the illithids ensues and as Drizzt considers returning to Menzoberranzan to kidnap a wizard to help Clacker, Zak kills Clacker.

All of the above is interspersed with multiple cuts to Malice losing her shit as she focuses on controlling Zak from afar. Jarlaxle and Matron Baenre occasionally muse on the fate of House Do'Urden, which is truly up in the air as all this happens. House Baenre lends soldiers to help House Do'Urden defend itself while Malice is occupied; Dinin notices Bregan D'aerthe among them.

Drizzt and Zak have a final showdown in a cavern with ledges and also a giant pool of acid. Malice briefly loses control of Zak, who wrests control of his spirit and explains the situation to Drizzt and then jumps into the acid, ending his undeath. This is VERY bad for Malice, who is already as discussed falling apart (mostly figuratively but she has been rapidly aging as well).

Briza immediately stabs her mother to become the new Matron (Briza SUCKS but also this does make sense in that it's clear Malice has failed Lolth so it is the best chance for the house). However, House Baenre then launches its attack. Briza and Maya (who really has a very minor role in all this, Drizzt's unseen sister; fanfic writers this is some fertile ground for toxic yuri) are killed but Vierna is taken as essentially a spoil of war/powerful asset to be folded into the strength of Baenre. Dinin meanwhile is recruited by Jarlaxle, and seeing no other choice, takes it. (Fanfic writers this is some fertile ground for toxic yaoi).

Drizzt returns briefly to Blingdenstone with Belwar but is asked to leave as he did pose a threat by being there and, frankly, agrees. He decides to go to the surface with Guenhwyvar and see what happens next.

Anyway iirc book 3's most memorable things are 1. some sort of tragic event involving children who call Drizzt a "Drizzit" 2. Mooshie, who is not canonically Quebecois but is in vibes, taking Drizzt in. After that we jump to the wildly tonally different Crystal Shard (and Icewind Dale Trilogy) which I will attempt to summarize more briefly and with minimum grumbling about how much Wulfgar is a timesuck.

*apparently the guy who reads the Drizzt novels on audiobook is Victor Bevine, who is also CEO of some sort of Parkour-related foundation. However, Jason Charles Miller played Drizzt in a video game in 2013 which is very cool.

#i'm reading the drizzt novels and you can't stop me #m reads lod #long post

[yennasun]

July 3rd, 2016.

So far so good, his first job with rocky had gone with only a few bumps along the way.

Not bad kid, keep this up and you'n me'll get along real well

He remembered thinking how much he reminded him of Rooney and had to fight a lump in his throat.

Probably didn't help that they were both ex mob...

He had another job with zip as well, they were stealing cargo from a shady organization and MT went as insurance incase things went ass-up...

Needless to say, It did but MT ensured the cargo got back safely.

"Man, you're good. Just as bad as they said you were...I Like you, I hope I get to know more about you!"

Yeah, as if

He remembered thinking.

As much as he hated to admit it, while he found it annoying at first, he began to find zips energy endearing...he was still young after all.

Hopefully he gets outta this shithole

MT knew that zip needed to leave this life behind as soon as possible, he knew these experiences would stick with him once he fully processed the magnitude of them.

He just hoped zip was smart enough to make it so.

He remembered asking zip how long he'd been doing this

"Oh a loooong time. I think since I was 14!"

He answered giddily.

At that moment MT found that they had alot more in common than he initially thought...

MT enjoyed his "life" at first too...

He also pulled a job with buster, simple work that both of them were accustomed to; intimidation.

But it wasn't the usual street drug dealers that MT was used to, this time he was going after one of the big shots up the ladder.

The two were specifically instructed not to kill anyone, the last thing they wanted was a full blown gang War.

They beat and bruised their way into the main penthouse and found the leader.

He stood up and pointed a gun at them, he must've been younger based on his inexperience evidenced by how his hands shook as he held the gun.

"Put it down son, you don't wanna use it." James said

He sat back down and they discussed his new plan of action; that being, to cease business in the area.

He fought against Busters wishes at first but folded once he met MTs glower.

Once the deal was done and over with, the 2 headed out the door.

"Man you must got somethin' I don't. Thought I'd have to get physical up in there" buster began to walk off, but turned around after realizing MT hadn't followed.

"Ain't you comin' with?" He asked

"Nah, I'm gonna head back to my place."

"Suit yourself."

His pill addiction had gotten to the point where he could recognize it as a problem, but he couldn't find it in himself to do anything about it.

He found himself turning the pill bottle up more and more, it began to compliment his periods of dissociation that seemed to increase in frequency.

It even began to affect him memory, some days he'd wake up not knowing where he was.

It was so far that he started to forget to do basic things like eating, drinking and sleeping at the right time, as evidenced by his darkening bags under his eyes and his alarming weight loss.

The fatigue that followed the come-down was always crippling and he'd find himself repeating the process once again.

His meltdowns had come back faster and harder than ever before, now he'd full-on hallucinate. He broke down in tears so frequently when he was alone that he'd forgotten what happiness felt like...if he'd ever even known the emotion to begin with.

He was miserable, but he wouldn't even admit it to himself, much less to anyone else.

October 10th, 2016

He ran a job with Rojas, they were tasked with torching down an old warehouse where that same shady organization set up drug labs.

They took out the muscle there and were caught off guard by how well equipped they were, automatic weapons, Kevlar, the whole shebang.

Either way it went well for the most part besides a few hiccups and they burnt the place down.

"Good job Marv, remind me to bring you with if I need something torn down."

She complimented.

"Couldn'tve done it without backup. Thanks by the way"

He said as he began to walk away.

He stopped once he felt a tug on his arm.

"You should come stay the night at the hideout, these guys gimme a bad feeling..."

MT knew she was right, and his guard rose once again at all the possibilities.

If they're this well equipped that means they have connections...if they find out where I live they might find out WHO I am...hell no!

"All right, just tell me where to lay my head and I should be fine"

She led him back to their hideout and they all greeted him with surprise. He didn't usually stay there long.

"We hit those creepy guys again, I'm having him stay here awhile just in case..."

"The same guys me and Sheila raided?"

Buster asked

"Yeah...them"

"We raided a steroid lab and in their computer files found that whoever their working for is called; the commission." Sheila replied

MTs heart sank and he panicked internally, his body went cold but he began sweating profusely. Anything the others said were muffled by the ringing in his ears and he went over to lay down on the couch next to the one rocky and vito sat on.

He tried to suppress the shivers he got at the memories of what their goons did to him, and at what they'd do to him if they ever found him.

He lost feeling in his breathing drew in irregularity and his vision narrowed, he failed to notice rocky glance at him.

"Hey you uh...y'alright? You don't look well..." he looked up at rocky dumbly but didn't answer and vito shushed rocky subtly.

"He's a low-key guy like us, don't put too much attention on him it'll make it worse." Vito saw the others talking amongst themselves and put a blanket over MT when he knew they weren't looking.

"What's wrong wit'im?" Rocky asked

"Don't know, if I had to guess though, I'd say he's having a nervous breakdown."

"What's that? Will it kill 'im?" Vito almost laughed until he realized who he was talking too.

Rocky was a bit old school...

"Nah it won't kill 'em, he's just so rattled he can't think straight" Vito explained

"Damn...I haven't known the guy long but it can't be good to shake em up THIS bad."

Thankfully no one else pried, Claudia did pass by him and put a hand on his forehead.

Usually he swatted away any attempts at physical contact but he was barely aware kf his surroundings and it did well to ground him a bit more.

She led him to one of the spare rooms where he could calm himself down without the fear of anyone else seeing, once inside he dropped on the bed.

Instead of suppressing it farther, he let it hit him full force in hopes that it'd go away quicker.

He eventually blacked out for who knows how long, when he came to it was deep in the night and everyone was asleep.

He got up and went through the fridge in hopes he'd find some alcohol and was pleased to find a bottle of whiskey that most likely belonged to vito.

He went outside to the balcony and sat down, pouring out 3 painkillers into his hand before downing them with the whiskey.

He took the time to reflect on everything that'd happened in the last few years, the stillness of the air complementing the melancholy that was his bleeding memories.

Of all the bad things that'd happened to him, it never stopped. Escaping his creator hadn't gotten rid of his pain, it'd only exposed him to an environment so fast paced he didn't have time to think about it.

So many terrible things he'd done just to prolong his worthless life for a bit longer, was it really all worth it?

Would Rooney approve of the person I'm becoming?

He'd much preferred physical pain over this...

Just then, he heard the door open behind him.

He stood up in surprise and turned to see a small figure frozen at the doorway.

Claudia

He'd gotten to know her a small bit after he'd payed her visits for injuries he'd taken on the job.

"What are you doing Here?" She asked

"I was about to ask you the same thing..." he answered

"Well...this is usually where I come to...think a little." He let out a dry chuckle

"Yeah, well too much of that can be a bad thing." Claudia went silent for a moment before proceeding out the doorway.

"You know, people who think like that usually don't have many good things to think about." She sat at the ledge.

"So what's on your mind?" She asked

Deciding not to reveal too much, he answered.

"Rather not say."

"That's too bad...if you keep things in for too long they'll melt you down from the inside out...i should know."

"And why's that?"

She looked onto the bleak and decrepit city before sighing.

"I'm 24 now. Next month I will have been created 25 years ago...my owner told me she always wanted what was best for me."

"I know how that feels..." he said under his breath

"She did these...awful things to me, she called what she did to me "tests". And she could get away with it, she had all the right degrees and licenses. It's where I learned how to treat people."

She paused for a bit, unsure of whether to continue or not.

"Eventually she sold me off to these sketchy guys, many painful surgeries and tests later and-" she held an arm out.

A blade shot out through the top of her wrist.

"-That's how I got these. Right here, with these people I feel safe, loved even. I hope you eventually feel the same..." She said softly

"Sounds like you've been through hell...but u know how you feel."

"You too?" She turned to him.

"Kind of...my old man only ever wanted one thing out of me, I thought I did too but looking back...I'd rather have been someone else."

"Really...?"

"He wanted me to fight for money, it's all he'd ever talked about and all I was ever allowed to think about...but my...u-uncle lived with us and he was the opposite of my old man. He was kind, caring, even though he was forced to train me he always tried to fight him whenever he could."

"It's always important to have someone who loves you unconditionally, it keeps us grounded from the cold and harrowing reality."

The two sat in silence for a bit.

"So where is he now?"

"Huh?"

"You're...uncle you said?"

"Yeah yeah. I don't...know...I ran away awhile back and he stayed behind. I haven't seen him since, I miss him so much..."

"That's horrible." She breathed deeply.

"Well I hope you find him someday."

"...me too..."

Unable to stomach not only talking vaguely about his history but also partially lying about it, he went back inside and put vitos drink back in the fridge.

Heading into the spare room he felt the painkillers hit him full force and his limbs began to feel heavy as his eyelids did.

He laid down on his side and let his eyelids fall.

He woke up to the sound of a knock on his door.

Opening his eyes, he jumped out of bed to answer it.

Sheila met his gaze nodded her head.

"Heyyy...were you having a nightmare? I think I heard you scream last night."

He didn't remeber having any nightmare, screaming in his sleep however, was nothing new.

"Maybe, I dunno. I don't usually remeber my dreams if they don't already stand out."

"Huh. Well anyways both of us are going out on a job later today, easy stuff."

"Alright, lay it on me."

"So there's this laptop up in one of the kingpins little apartments, has the routes of all his drug shipments, names, Addresses and numbers of all his contacts...do you know how much money we could make off that information?" She said as her eyes lit up.

"Yeah, sounds like a hell of a score. But why do you need me?" He asked

"So when I go into his apartment I'm gonna take him and his bodyguards out quietly, thing Is; someone's bound to check in after some radio silence. I need you to go out and cause a diversion to keep some heat off me...luckily not too far away is a docking bay where some product is being shipped in. Torch that, and they'll all be flocking to you."

MT nodded in admiration at the woman's planning.

"Solid plan...what time is it and where do I go?" She laughed

"Buster said he loved that about you...straight to the point. Anyways, it'll be at 5:30PM near the old docking bay on 97th."

"Got it, I'll be there."

He prepared himself for the job as the day went on, he now stood on the corner of 97th with the entrance to the docking bay in sight.

All he needed was the call from Sheila.

"Blackout, you there?"

"Yup, just need a sec..."

He waited in anxiety.

"...do it!" She said.

Brining his mask over his face he calmly walked to the entrance of dock.

He saw people at a boat moving crates of what he only assumed was product.

One of them approached him.

"Hey! You're not supposed to be here, clear off!"

He stared the man down as he saw several guns pointed at him.

He breathed in deep and erupted in an explosion so large Sheila could see it from blocks away.

During the confusion, he sent blasts towards the boats, blowing them up and leaving smoke piling as the fire spread throughout the dock.

He hears several cars pull over at the entrance and braced himself for a fight.

As MT fought off the goons, Sheila had gone to work on cracking the laptop.

She asked for a diversion and that's exactly what she got, it even distracted her for a second!

Holy shit! Thats so far away too-

She finally cracked the laptop and swept through the files, determining which ones were worth saving.

She saw everything she'd described to MT, routes, contacts etc.

But something caught her eye, an email from an anonymous email.

"You know better than to double cross the commission Manuel, you keep the juice coming and we'll keep paying you. This was your idea after all."

She almost skipped past the email until she saw the bottom.

"P.S; I still have yet to hear back from your task to find mike tarvor, the guys 6'5 for fucks sake he can't be that hard to spot! Here's another picture incase you incompetent morons need to be reminded of who you're looking for. [Attachment]"

She opened it and her mouth nearly dropped to the floor.

It was him, it was marvin Thompson.

She knew it once she saw all the scars tarvor had on his face, not only that but they were the same height and color...

"Thats so badass!" She smiled

"But why would he keep that a secret, if I were him I'd be in the big city touting myself loud and proud, not slumming down in this shithole..." then she remembered the email

The commission...oh...if the rumors are true then these guys are some twisted bastards...

She deleted the email and cleared the trash after she saved the files to a zip drive.

No one needs to know, I trust myself to keep my mouth shut but I don't trust the others to do the same...

She got back on her radio.

"Got everything MT, get outta there!" She yelled as she exited the building.

"Alright I'll get to it, I'll see you a-aaggh!" Je screamed out

"What happened?!" She yelled

"Caught a bullet...fuck, just go ill try and catch up."

"I can help you, I'm on my way!"

"Don't do it! It's way too hot here, I'll be fine just get a move on!" He yelled as he closed the radio.

He continued fighting off the well equiped goons but he'd taken another one to his shoulder.

By the time he'd finished all of them off he'd been fighting for almost 2 hours and got shot a third time in his chest.

He limped out of the docks, heating up his finger and sticking it in the wounds to cauterize them. he had a walk ahead of him to get back to their hideout that was 4 miles away.

He limped back, as his breaths came out with more effort and his balance began to leave him.

He knew he was most likely dying from blood loss and internal bleeding but strangely...he wasn't afraid.

He'd been in this position many times, only difference was that if he died here he wouldn't respawn to go through it again, it was a weirdly comforting thought.

After hours of limping he finally reached the door to their hideout.

He opened the door and limped to claudias clinic, ignoring the gasps that drew from Rojas and buster.

His hearing began to fade as a high pitched siren originating in his own ears took over, not hearing what Claudia said to him as he laid down on one of the beds and fainted.

---------------------------------------------------

Yeah holy hell it's been awhile since I continued the main story, only after 2 weeks of releasing the last chapter did I write a draft down, sorry about that.

I hope I was able to make this one worth it in some way, thanks for reading!

#alan becker #avm #animation vs minecraft #animator vs animation #avm king orange #ava #avm mt #avm mango #au #usfc #masterpost: old writings

[fragilelittlething]

[LONG POST]

TW: Dissociation, suicide

DEPERSONALIZATION DEREALIZATION DISORDER

#1

When I first found out the name of the state I was in, I was terrified. Sure it was comforting to know there's a name and not only me experiences it. But it didn't mean I would gladly welcome and accept that I may have this disorder. I got scared because I knew what it felt and I didn't want to live with it every day.

But here I am, after four months of denial and forgetting about this disorder, I stumbled upon it again the other day. When I found an online community, I was relieved. However, I realized mine might be more worse than many. And that's the root of my fear, the cause of my surrender.

One day, I'll be gone. While I can still keep my sane state, I'll try my best to write down/record my experience for my fellow prisons of their mind and medical researchers who would use my experience for their study. I hope that this little information would reach people and make the other sufferers feel a bit comfort even for a short period of time.

BACKGROUND

My name is [redacted] and I'm [redacted] years old. I identify myself as female. I hate introducing myself because I don't connect with it. A few hours ago, someone asked my name unexpectedly (irl) and when I told him what it was, it felt like saying an ordinary word.

I live in a poor corrupt country where mental health is not a priority, is expensive, and difficult to access. Therefore, I wouldn't wait a thousand years searching for a doctor before telling myself "Hey, you have DPDR." The kind psychiatrist only said I have clinical depression. To be fair, I didn't tell her that I don't feel real because you know, I didn't believe I have DPDR at the time. Not to mention, many practitioners don't even acknowledge its existence. What more in a poor country. I've been living in a disconnected state for months and even memories of my life since I acquired this mental illness were blurry. I'm still hoping I get a proper medication and treatment but right now, it seems nowhere near possible. Most likely, death will come first. Hopefully, this month.

THE FEELING

I've described it a thousand times in my head and on my notes app that's why I also hate doing it all over again. I have too many questions about this disorder and even I wanted to share everything that may have caused this to develop in my personality, I feel like I can't. If I get enough engagement though, I might feel willing to share.

Right now, I'm not fully disconnected. Most of the time, I'm 40% in touch with reality. The constant feeling is that I'm not real. That nothing makes sense. Here are the list of the feelings I feel every day/sometimes (as far as I can recall): (I wouldn't elaborate them in vivid details because it's mentally draining.)

I feel dead. Obviously, when you don't feel your memories and emotions, there's also that feeling of emptiness and absence of self. I cried so hard when I realized I didn't have it.

I'm just a nameless entity. No connection with my name and memories. I hate my memories when I was normal because it reminds me of what I lost and probably never get back.

I feel like floating.

There was a rare moment that I felt like my body was melting.

I could never concentrate in the moment the same way like a normal person does.

Once I was reading a book, it was difficult to understand it when you thought the letters were just meaningless characters inked on a paper. And my vision would distort my hand holding the book.

I experience mild weird sensations in my head. One time my head felt it was being split apart.

I have weak to zero sense of time. I'd forget the time gap between the previous action I did and the current time as if waking up from a dream you barely remember. It happens when I'm lying on the bed.

I'm trapped in my head. There's the real me inside my head who holds all the logic, memories, and emotions that I have. Now, I'm just a shell of it who could not perform like a normal human being. Every day feels like I'm being reborn, or reincarnated. I still remember my past but seems like I'm a new person and those memories are not mine but a stranger's.

I can't recognize people. I know them but I don't feel them.

I have no interest in the future.

HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME/IT HAS AFFECTED ME

Lots of suicidal thoughts (vivid images)

Severe depressive symptoms

Unhealthy eating/starving myself

Isolation from people

I'm dumber now and more forgetful

Locking myself in my room

Not using my phone

Just crying (endless)

Irrational/intrusive thoughts

Insufficient communication with "friends"

Poor performance in uni (considering dropping out now but it's another depressing story personally, maybe next time)

Talking to myself (I have no one else to talk to)

Despising reality

Social anxiety

Feeling alienated. Or not human.

Loss of talent and creativity

Wasting time doing nothing

Trouble sleeping

Learning was a chore

ETC. ETC.

Some of these have not been happening in a while or not as severe as it used to. Not sure if it's an improvement because I always go back to the main issue of this disorder: not feeling real or present. I actually feel like I have given up that I'd recover. Seems really impossible. I will never have a normal life. I won't achieve my dreams. The future is something I don't want to think about. It doesn't feel like it exists. Maybe I don't exist. I'm thinking of cutting all my ties with all the people I've known because I couldn't accept this. I couldn't swallow that this is going to be my life every day. Same shit EVERY DAY.

Next post I'll be talking about the real me and the life I've imagined I would have. The community lessened my suicidal ideas but I'm still dead. I can't recognize myself anymore is few of the sentences I always whisper to myself.

THE ART

I made that one really quickly so I can have a picture in my post and it represents the symptoms of DPDR. No I wouldn't explain them. You understand it. I know that. Great thing that I was able to draw something again (especially an original artwork). I've been immobilized for so long. And I've been keeping it to myself. So difficult to find people who will believe me and accept me. Fuck. Even my dreams feel more real than reality itself. Better to be trapped in there and not here, in the reality but dreaming.

###

I'm new to this community because I've ignored I possibly have the disorder for so long. If you have a Discord server for people with DPDR, please reply with the link or send it to me through private message. I want to join. Or if there's none, I'll create one if I see enough people who can join it. (I have a feeling the psych ward is waiting for me. I'm defeated. Why do I feel like all of this isn't real? Nothing is real.)

Anyway, I can't change my avatar or header because Tumblr wouldn't allow me (even using my laptop, I can't!) so attaching my artwork makes me more credible at least.

Kindly PM me if you're going to use this artwork in your blog/articles. DON'T USE IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

If someone wants to support my art journey so I can earn money and feel that I'm real by participating in money transactions in the capitalist world, please motivate me. I do hope this post reaches the right people because I don't trust the reality now.

#dissociation #dissociative episode #depersonalisation disorder #derealization #dpdr #dpdr art #depression #mental health #mental illnesses suck #depersonalisation and derealisation #what is reality #derealisation disorder #mental illness art #depersonalization #weird art #weird #let's talk about dpdr

[died-but-not-dead-propaganda]

Moon Knight Propaganda

Marc Spector, better known as the vigilante Moon Knight, was once a mercenary left for dead in the desert while on a mission in Egypt, where he was revived by the Egyptian Moon god Khonshu after collapsing in front of an idol of the god. In exchange for being brought back to life, he was appointed as Khonshu's fist and high priest, Moon Knight, and enacts justice to protect those who travel at night. Marc also has dissociative identity disorder, some of his alters being (now former-)millionaire Steven Grant and cab driver Jake Lockley. Moon Knight has "died" on multiple occasions since then, but keeps being brought back by Khonshu or, more recently, Dr. Badr (The newly revealed other Fist of Khonshu, Hunter's Moon).

He has died THREE times. Each time he has come back. He LITERALLY QUOTES WILLIAM AFTONS “I always come back” IN THE NEW MACKAY RUN. This man is a dumpster fire and is such a closeted bisexual it’s insane. My man also looks like a wet paper bag and has shrimp posture. He is one in a krillion. Please ignore every comic run of him except Ellis’, Lemieres, or Mackay‘s. He is the definition of “had a rocky transition into the 2000’s” - maybe IGN should’ve said that to the MK runs instead of Sonic. All offense, and a little bit of salt. I am as salty as the ocean. Yeah. That’s it I think.

Moon Knight is my favourite Marvel superhero!! He dies for a short period of time in his backstory, which goes as follows: Marc Spector served as Marine and briefly as a CIA agent before becoming a mercenary. While on a mission in Egypt with fellow mercenary Raoul Bushman, he witnesses the other man murder an archeologist and his team, leaving the archeologist's daughter alive to watch. Enraged by the awful act, Marc picks a fight with Bushman and loses, being left for dead in desert all alone. He manages to drag himself into the tomb unearthed by the archeologists and collapses in front of a statue of the god Khonshu. He dies before the statue and is soon revived, fully healed, by Khonshu. Khonshu begins speaking to him and tells him that he is to become the god's Moon Knight, the Fist of Khonshu, and redeem himself from all of the violence of his past life by protecting all those who travel in the night. Marc agrees, and the rest is history!

The whole origin of how the sys became moon knight is that Marc spector was shot after going up against his superior on an unethical mercenary job in the desert. He crawled to the statue of the Egyptian god Khonshu and died at the foot of it but was resurrected as his Fist of Justice to carry out his protection for the travelers of the night. Dying and getting resurrected then happens multiple times over Moon Knight’s appearances, including in the Disney Plus show where they are in the Egyptian afterlife before making their way back to life via accepting themselves as a system and choosing to live. One of the most famous quotes from the comics is “I’ve died before. It was boring, so I stood up.”

#moon knight #marc spector #jake lockley #steven grant #Marvel Comics