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scoonsalicious · 1 month

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Unwanted: Chapter 7, Unburdened - Pt. 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, a lot of sexual discussions, promises that will not be kept.

Word Count: 1.3k

Previously On...: You and Bucky fucking finally admitted your feelings to one another. About damned time, geez, you two. Anyway, just as you're about to celebrate your newly declared love in a, uh, physical manor, you're summoned back to the common room by Tony.

A/N: I have no excuses-- I was fucking high AF when I wrote this part, which is why it may come across as a little... unhinged. But once I was sober and re-read what I wrote, I thought "screw this, I love it; it stays!" I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917

Taglist: (Please let me know if you’d like to be added!) @jmeelee @cazellen @blackhawkfanatic @les-sel @marcswife21 @buckybarnessimpp @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @erelierraceala @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @jupiter-107 @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321

Presentable once again, you left your room, Bucky taking your hand in his as you headed up to the common room and whispering all of the filthy things he was going to do to you when you both officially retired for the evening. By the time you entered the common room, you were leaning into him in a fit of flustered giggles.

"Good. Looks like you finally got it out of your systems," Tony said once you'd walked through the doors. "What the 'F' Was It?"

You and Bucky exchanged confused glances before looking back to Tony. Tony's eyes cast down to where your hands were entwined. "Looks like the 'fuck's have it!" he called out to the rest of the gathered group. "Everyone who bet "fight," pay up!"

"Boss, did ya'll seriously bet on whether we were fucking or fighting?" you asked, horrified, but still a little amused.

"That's why the game is called "What the 'F'?," Pocket," Tony said with a smirk and playfully exaggerated eye roll. "Try to keep up."

"Well," began Bucky with a smile, "technically, we didn't do either, so you should all be paying us."

"Nope," said Tony, "Cap had 'Firm up their Friendship,' so I guess he's the winner."

"'Firm up their Friendship'?" you asked, raising an eyebrow in Steve's direction. The super soldier shrugged and averted his eyes, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

"It had to begin with an 'F,' otherwise it would not fit the parameters of the game," Thor offered helpfully. "It was very humorous."

"Alright, everyone, pay out to Cap," Tony said, reaching for his wallet.

"Not so fast," Natasha interrupted. "I believe you'll recall that I put money on 'frottage,' so if we could get confirmation on that, I'd appreciate it," she gave you both a knowing grin, and you instantly regretted confessing to her how turned on dry humping made you.

"Oh my God," you muttered, putting your face in your hand, now fully horrified.

Bucky looked down at you, face confused. "What the hell's 'frottage?'" he asked cautiously. You whispered the definition in his ear and his entire face turned a crimson red as he furiously rubbed the back of his neck.

"Ha! I knew it!" Nat shouted, raising a fist in the air. "Pay up, bitches!"

There was a chorus of groans as your friends all begrudgingly passed Natasha one-hundred dollar bills.

"...eight, nine, -- hey, who didn't pay up? There should be a thousand bucks here!" Nat looked around the room. "Where did Steve go? Dirty cheat owes me a hundred dollars!" Everyone looked around, but the Captain had vanished from the room. You felt Bucky heave a heavy sigh next to you, and when you turned up to look at him, you noticed the distraught expression on his face.

"What's up, Buck?" you asked, concerned. "Do you know where Steve went?"

He shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning back up as he looked down at you. "I'll tell you later," he promised before kissing the crown of your head.

"So, we're not hiding this anymore?" Sam asked as he walked over to the two of you. "Because I'm so tired of pretending we don't all know you two bumpin' uglies."

You rolled your eyes at Sam, but couldn't hide the smile that was creeping across your face. You wrapped your arms around Bucky's waist, drawing yourself closer to him. "What? You want us to make some kind of official royal proclamation?"

"I, for one, don't really give a shit," said Rhodey from across the room. "I only bet because Romanoff threatened me."

"Thank you for minding your own business at least, Rhodey," you offered, caught somewhere between grateful and insulted. Rolling your eyes at Sam, you turned to Tony. "So, what's so important that you called us back down here, Boss? We were a little... preoccupied."

"Ugh, Pocket, I don't need you to put a picture in my head, thank you," Tony said, waving his hands at you in disgust. "That's a whole new thing to unpack in Virtual Therapy: "How to handle the guy who was brainwashed into murdering your parents repeatedly violating the girl you've come to see as your baby sister."

"Oh my god, Tony," you muttered at the same time Bucky said "It's not violating if she's a willing participant, Stark." You elbowed Bucky gently in his side.

"Don't traumatize him, baby," you murmured. "He's fragile."

"Funny. Very funny," Tony deadpanned, arms crossed over his chest. "Anyway, getting back to very professional Avenger business, you'll notice Ms. Carthage and our SHIELD guests have left for the evening."

Huh. You'd forgotten they'd even been there to begin with, what with all the love declarations and frottage that had taken place with Bucky.

"Yeah, we see that," said Bucky, answering for both of you.

"Which means we have to decide, as a group, if we want to invite Ms. Carthage to join us on a probationary basis. We've already taken a preliminary vote, so we just need you two to cast your ballots. What's it going to be? Yay or Nay?" Tony looked to you first.

You thought back to the tour you'd given her earlier that day, and how unprofessional Jade had been. Even before she'd started her flirtations with Bucky, Jade Carthage had rubbed you the wrong way. You couldn't, in good conscience, agree to invite her onto your team, into your family.

"I vote 'nay,'" you told Tony.

He nodded. "Very well. Barnes? What say you?"

Bucky didn't even hesitate. "If my girl doesn't want her here, then neither do I. I vote 'nay.'"

You looked up at him, your eyes wide as saucers, and you were pretty sure they’d turned heart-shaped. Despite hoping Jade could give him the answers he'd been searching for, Bucky had voted against having her join The Avengers just because she made you uncomfortable.

"Hey," he said, tucking his thumb under your chin and tilting your head up, "I told you, you're the most important person in the world to me, and I want whatever is going to make you happy. If that means not having her around, then I don't want her around."

"Buck," you breathed, standing up on your toes to reach his lips, "I love you."

You did your best to ignore the cheers and goads from your friends as you kissed, and when you pulled apart a short moment later, both your cheeks were red with embarrassment.

"That was disgusting," Tony said, rolling his eyes in that bored Tony way of his. "Too bad it was for nothing. The 'yay's have it, seven to six. We'll be officially extending an invitation of probationary membership to Jade Carthage, AKA: Vixen, first thing tomorrow morning. Class dismissed."

The relief that had washed over you when Bucky had voted 'nay' alongside you evaporated when Tony read out the results. You mumbled half hearted goodnights to your teammates as they trickled out, off to their individual evening pursuits, until it was just you and Bucky left standing in the common room.

"I'm sorry, doll," he murmured softly as he ran his hands gently up and down your arms. "You'll let me know what I can do to help make the next few months with her as easy for you as possible, yeah? Anything you need."

You smiled at him, so grateful that he was being so understanding about this. You put your hands over his as they rested on your arms. "Just love me, okay, Buck?" you asked him. "Just love me and be honest with me; that's all I ask."

He took you in his arms, swaying you back and forth ever so slightly. "That's an easy promise, sweetheart." You felt him rest his chin on the crown of your head. "I give you my word."

<- Previous Part / Next Chapter ->

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes fanfiction #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #mcu bucky barnes #james barnes

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onehundredandeleventropicalfish · 1 year

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thinking about that time destruction talked about how the endless aren't just necessary for their specific aspect, they also exist to define its opposite - death defines life, destiny defines freedom, despair defines hope, destruction creation, and so on

and when dream is super skeptical and asks destruction what he supposedly defines in this paradigm, destruction guesses reality

and i do think in some ways destruction was right. reality was the right word to use here. but i don't think reality is necessarily dream's opposite

like, the way most of the endless define their opposite is in a very negative space kinda way - freedom exists within the limits of destiny, and acts as a counter to it, and because of this constant battle the two are in, destiny sets a lot of the parameters for what freedom means. despair comes with the loss of hope, and is in turn countered by hope, it's a give and take. and it's the knowledge of death that makes people realise what life means to them

death has a little power over life, but for the most part, the endless don't have direct control over their opposite, they just move the pieces around it

and you'd think the same would be true with dream and reality. and on the surface it is - he's constantly described by people as a being of metaphor, allusion, abstraction, imagination, myth, stories, and if you're john dee, lies. his realm is where things that are not yet real become real. and his power over 'reality' is only through the ways people choose to act on their dreams

(i put reality in quotes because we don't actually mean reality in that particular sentence, we mean the waking world)

but i think about dreams, and their purpose. and i think about how alex burgess always appears in his dreams as a child, how hob always appears as a medieval peasant even in the modern day, how dream specifically told nuala if she was going to stay in the dreaming, she can't wear a glamour, he doesn't want that kind of magic in his home

dreams reveal your true self. the waking world is where you can put on all your fronts, where you can hide and lie and play as much as you like, but you physically can't do any of that in a dream. pretenses just don't work here, in the dreaming you will always be your truest, deepest self. and even if they did, if you could put on a mask while dreaming, how could that dream ever help you, if you can't face who you are underneath it?

it's why dream gets so annoyed when people call the waking world the real world - from his perspective, the dreaming is the real world, the one full of real people

(somewhat ironic that when john dee was trying to get rid of all the lies and pretenses, he was basically just recreating a dream within that diner - except when the dream is shared and it has actual consequences beyond the end of the dream, when the dream happens in the waking world, that's when it becomes a problem)

(dreams aren't lies. dreams are honest, much more so than the waking world - but it has to be that way, because honesty can be dangerous, for a variety of reasons. dreams allow that honesty to exist free of consequence. the waking world requires masks and social rules because that's how people function as a collective, it can't just be one person's unhindered thought process)

if you define reality as what happens in the waking world, then yes, dream fits in perfectly with his siblings

but if you define reality as the truest state of everything's existence, then the dreaming is far more a demonstration of reality than anywhere else. dream creates space for reality to exist, just as much as he creates space for it not to, he's a master of both

and in my ever expanding thesis on how the endless, bar delirium, are unable to experience their own aspect? dream has just as much trouble seeing himself for who he is, as he does hoping for his own future

#dream of the endless #sandman comic spoilers #mine #meta #the sandman

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shares-a-vest · 1 month

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can i ask where you get your inspo for your joanie munson series? i want to write more fics for emma but i dont really have, to put it lightly, good childhood memories or experiences so im not really sure how to make them realistic or "cute"

Hi CJ! Thank you so much for the ask and for supporting my little Joanie Munson AU. I LOVE seeing you pop up in my notifications when I write about her 💖 Tbh, I’m a little like squeeee someone is asking about my writing, right now!

Okay, before I delve into some rambling about my Joanie Munson AU, I just want to give a shout-out to everyone for getting through childhood crappiness, whatever it may be. Sending you all (and you, CJ) the biggest hugs.

Sooooo I don’t actually draw inspo from real-life experiences. Nothing that happened with Joanie happened to me and a lot of this AU is driven by me wanting to give Steve and Eddie a loving little family that is all cute and silly and filled with love.

The only thing miiiight come from real life is the fact that most fics are set at Steddie’s apartment or someone’s home. As a kid, my family were pretty housebound because I was sick and even now my life circumstances have me living in a bit of a small bubble – it’s all good btw, but I’m just trying not to give details, so apologies if this part reads a little too vague!

With only a couple of exceptions, most of this AU has developed via community events/prompts.

Right now, I’m working my way through each of the Flufftober Spring Prompts. I try to treat this AU as I would any other prompts – just starting with a super basic idea, maybe even a line of dialogue that gets in my head and seeing where it goes.

For example, the ‘Daisies’ prompt. I knew I wanted Joanie to be making daisy chains with Claudia. Then I thought it could include Wayne, then I wrote from his perspective, then added this silly side Steddie moment. And I always keep in mind how I have this AU set up (even if a lot of those ideas are just sloshing around in my head for now).

Like, Joanie’s grandparent figures are Claudia and Wayne, so what’s her relationship/dynamic like with them? How does Joanie’s personality shape the ficlet too? How is she like Steve and/or Eddie personality-wise in this situation? What parts of her are just your average excitable kid?

I know that overall, I want to keep this AU fluffy and silly. It sometimes falls into angst territory when I start writing about Steve’s parents but I can never bear to leave my Blorbo sad for too long.

Tbh, some comments/tags on my Flufftober Spring writing have me thinking about the meta aspects of this AU in ways I hadn’t before. It’s not like I pre-planned writing a Steddie Dads AU btw, I just fell into it after one ficlet and started to build it out from there. And even things I find myself writing about then sort of become an ongoing thing – if that makes sense. Like Joanie owning a Furby and the silly saga of that has appeared three times now.

The comment on THIS ficlet perfectly sums up an underlying… theme??? I guess, in this AU (Steddie healing their inner child, which BRB SOBBING 😭). Another tag by @marvel-ous-m on this one beautifully described this AU as ‘slices of life’ which it very much is, and I enjoy sticking to that. I guess what I’m getting at with all this is using your own parameters and the interior world of your Emmaverse AU to your advantage.

Gosh I hope this reads okay and isn't too rambling!! I love your Emmaverse and can't wait to read more of it.

Feel free to reply, send more asks or DM (if you want, no pressure of course!) I hope this was helpful in some way 💖😊

#lily answers #puppy-steve #steddie as girl-dads

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wetcatspellcaster · 5 months

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For the ask - I really just want to copy and paste the entirety of the interrogation scene but since I can’t this bit really sticks out to me:

“She paused, then added, “but on the other hand, the cruellest you ever got before Ascending was when we fought over Cazador and then… well… you kind of did it, didn’t you? I basically lost that argument. If that’s what we fought about before, and then it just happened, it wasn’t like we could make up.”

Astarion was still watching her. Gods, she needed to make sure she was saying the right thing.

“And you were the one who was always telling me to be less selfless,” Rose offered, as a last resort. “And well, you know, staying with you just to be yelled at and degraded is perhaps the most selfless thing I could do, but you used to never want that from me. It used to annoy you, more than anything. I don’t know, I thought I was honouring you in a way… well, you know, not you. The lessons you taught me. Before-”

“Before I changed,” he said, a dangerous note in his voice. “The other me.”

“Um... just to check, do you prefer to think of yourself as two separate people, or is that actually the case, metaphysically?” Rosalie said nervously. As he glared at her, she clarified: “it would be useful to know, more generally, but mostly I’m asking because I just want to make sure you’re not upset, or if I’m being unfair to you. I don’t want to hold you to standards that you’re simply not capable of reaching.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he said with a wave of his hand.

Thank you for wanting to play the ask game! :) x

So, it's one of the only pieces of drama (except for... *gestures at the general trauma congaline that is Act 3*) in An Honest Lie so I won't go into laborious detail, but Rosalie was obviously horrified that Astarion ever wanted to appropriate the Black Mass in the first place. Even the death of his siblings is too much for her (given that she values family, but also wants him to have some kind of a family survive in tact). When Astarion argues that none of the spawn or his siblings are worth saving as they all have blood on their hand, she just assumes he's also talking about himself.

In the 'canon' playthrough fic (or in the fic, someday soon), she actually gives Astarion the silent treatment over this conversation, which is how you know shit has gotten real lmfao. So writing the timeline where she lost that argument has been amusing to say the least. We'll see how that argument unfolds in real time in the other story ;)

Writing a charmed pov was super interesting because of the parameters of the vampiric charmed spell. The exact text was: The charmed target regards the vampire as a trusted friend to be heeded and protected. Although the target isn't under the vampire's control, it takes the vampire's requests or actions in the most favorable way it can - this means that at certain points, where the real Rosalie would've just left the room, she had to search for a favourable take on the situation, even if (given the circumstances) it occasionally strains her credulity and her ability to censor herself, meaning she does let a couple of bitchy things sneak through.

In the case of the section quoted here, Rosalie is just trying to appease Astarion however she can, but the 'trusted friend to be heeded and protected' also influences the conversation. She cannot find anything to heed in the current Astarion's words, so she reaches into the past, to the times he complained about her being selfish, and argues she's heeding those instead. That is the version of him that was a trusted friend, so that's what comes most easily to the fore of her mind.

"“it would be useful to know, more generally, but mostly I’m asking because I just want to make sure you’re not upset, or if I’m being unfair to you." - Rosalie, when charmed, is genuinely trying not to hurt Astarion if she can help it, and that's why she asks if he's not the same person he was before. The intellectual part of her - the part that frees her from the charm eventually - is fishing for information (absolutely it is!) but her guilt about 'making' Astarion this way and then punishing him for it is also absolutely real.

As to why Astarion cuts her off and in response to whether Astarion is metaphysically two different people before and after the Mass - [REDACTED]

DVD commentary ask

#wip: pieces still stuck in your teeth #dvd commentary ask #asks #ask games #sorry for the cheap ending but i'm trying to not spoil key plot points of the fic lol!

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audhdwitch · 8 months

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all of the fucking housing spells i've been casting

(a lot of these happened around the same time but i don't remember exactly which order any of this happened. remember: always write down your process when it's fresh in your mind. except for when you're going to be homeless in 3 weeks and don't have the spoons and are just trying to fucking make it)

using "equal opportunity" symbol as nexus point in most spells

lighting candles, burning lavender oil in common spaces and dedicating household chores to hestia

set up semi-permanent altar space in the cavern under my loft bed. dedicated an offering bowl to hestia, offered some trinkets including a key necklace that i started wearing out to showings.

get discriminated against a LOT at showings lmao. absolutely no one wants to house a group of visibly disabled and/or queer polycule of kids that look like they're college freshmen at the oldest.

asked each housemate to donate something to the offering bowl; burned lavender oil and did a tarot spread about our prospects. verdict: final stretch. almost there.

start trying to remember to dedicate a small offering tray of food to hestia whenever i have the spoons to make food for myself. got to have dinner/tea with hestia a couple of times. she makes me feel unmasked. i don't feel any pressure to make myself Look Presentable before her; she is most pleased with me when i am unmasked and feeling safe and comfortable in my own space.

start trying to build hestia playlist. having trouble finding the right vibe; am somewhat drawn to classical music that reminds me of summer camp.

set up temporary altar on dining room table when housemates cook and we get to have dinner together. burn candles and leave offering to invite hestia's presence

created name sigils for housemates with consent. can't decide on a sigil for myself; using my signature seems to work just fine.

started carving name sigils into side taper candles with nexus sigil on bottom. have done this multiple times; have had burned some candles "dry" and others dressed with either peppermint* (luck, prosperity, abundance) OR lavender oil (home, hestia)

started researching crystal grids + sacred geometry. math is hard.

A has a job lined up but it won't start for a while and they're trying to get a better one in the meantime. give up on applying to "equal opportunity" but still absolutely predatory property management company that will gladly take the fee for your application for properties that you won't qualify for, and that you shouldn't bother applying to anyway, and will keep taking your money as long as you're stupid enough to keep trying

established spell parameters. i was definitely the least specific about the time frame; i mostly had the non-specific "before the end of september" floating around in my head even though our lease ends on the 17th. i did consciously decide to not specify further, hoping that by relinquishing a stricter timeline we could perhaps exchange for snagging something within our budget.

took a walk down to the beach and drew sigils (A drew one that I didn't see, and i drew the nexus sigil + name sigils) in secluded areas of sand where the rising tide would wash it away under the light of the recent super blue moon. the ocean is bio-luminescent this time of year in our area; we stood and watched the electric waves crashing onto the shore as the tide crept up.

started gathering materials for crystal grid and research more correspondences. research is not really helping me much tbh; eventually i gave up looking up how-to's and started more going based off vibes. i know literally everyone says so but it really IS better to do things in a way that make sense for your brain. if it doesn't resonate with you, disregard it.

created name sigils for pets. sketched rough approximation of configuration and started experimenting with crystal positioning. got housemates to identify which areas they could use the most assistance in (finances, stress, focus, etc). including the pets really balances the whole thing out tbh.

A applied for a better paying job that it really wants. assigned crystals for financial stability/prosperity at their request.

spent literally hours painstakingly building the final version of crystal grid configuration in image editing software. could i have probably found something that would have fit the bill? probably. i didn't do that tho. i built the whole damn thing myself lol.

family spotify plan got cancelled. rip, can't afford premium myself until we have a fucking house.

brainstorming for spell jar to use as a "battery" in the center of the crystal grid. initially conceived it as a sweetening jar to make landlords

broke up with bf. having a weird time of it. it was the right decision but i feel so bad about it. also, now that i'm no longer worrying about my relationship, i have more time to worry about being homeless.

collected dandelion puff and started drying some leaves in my space

we visit some university resources about housing and ebt.

had A rubber duck for me/got A's opinion on crystal positioning/grid balancing. am somewhat concerned about the grid overdoing it bc this is definitely the most complicated spell i've done to date; some worry based on the fact that i've been using crystals for financial prosperity/stability for M in grid brainstorming and after we got back from uni resource center M got a call from the county saying their ebt was deducted for working more hours in the summer. honestly kind of a huge blow to them; they've been recovering from top surgery and haven't been able to work for almost a month, so this is going to cut our grocery budget quite a bit.

and also... A got the job!!! great news - we can start including its offer letter with hours/ in our packet.

i do some tarot readings abt my life trajectory. oof. i have disorganized attachment style and hella ptsd. additionally, it looks like it's time for a career change; i apply for a part-time position i got an email notification for the other day.

initially was considering burning tea lights on top of the spell jar to burn off excess energy and avoid it collapsing in on itself. if feels ready to implement.

spell jar giving me trouble. yes, sweetening landlords' perceptions of us would probably help. we have been applying to places and writing personal statements and building The Packet to hopefully appeal to them, but places get snatched up in seconds here so we mostly just need to get lucky and be in the right place at the right time. also, ants are a problem and i'm a little weary of using honey (i don't have a whole lot of ingredients at my disposal)

i do, however, have a lot of bee pollen. that might work. pollen is more associated with hard work than honey (which i associate more with reward) and we just need shit to finally pay off.

at a client's house and had a slow day on the craigslist rental listings grind and was trying to burn off extra nervousness by checking the complexes we'd signed up for email notifications for. lo and behold - a single unit available, fits all our criteria and they only require we make 2x rent (almost unheard of in our area). got in touch with my housemates to start trying to apply NOW bc the way their website works, it's literally first come first serve - the second an application is submitted, the listing is marked unavailable again until the applicant completes the approval process (at which point the listing will go back up on their website).

we managed to be on the apartment complex website in the 20 minutes between the listing going live and the time email notifications went out about its availability. A submitted their app first and we called first thing the next morning to confirm that they received it - they have. we're in the system.

okay. we all submitted on friday - too late to be approved same-day, but we'll hear back from them on monday. it's the waiting game now.

try to go home to finalize the crystal grid in a more formal ritual like i'd been planning. doesn't work out; i can do it at my client's house, though. it's not ideal and i think the grid would possibly be more effective if it were housed in the place we all currently live, but that's fine. i feel safe enough in the client's house (they are so kind to me, it's like sleeping over and grandma and grandpa's)

finally established crystal grid with emphases on luck, endurance, financial stability, and a minor glamour to make us more appealing to property managers. used "hard work paying off" spell jar as battery. i suspect the crystals on top of the spell jar don't hurt us but they do feel somewhat superfluous in the context of the grid. may donate them to hestia's bowl instead; the garnet was hers already. was initially going to burn candles dressed w peppermint oil but decided on lavender oil instead.

starting to feel like "liked songs" on shuffle is perfectly acceptable to dedicate to hestia; after all, she's most comfortable when i'm most comfortable.

i actually think i'm going to burn more carved and dressed candles to charge it; i feel the hematite balances out the grid enough that i'm not risking overloading. could also be feeling more balanced bc it's not at home feeding off all four of our energies, just mine? plus it feels good to do something while we wait.

please. please. please.

#grimoire #witchcraft #spellcraft #personal #hestia deity #hestia there is some GOOD booze in this for you if you help us see this thru #edit later ?#i'm positive there's shit i forgot to write down #personal post #might delete later

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aritany · 3 years

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Hello bestie I’ve been thinking about your answer from my other ask all day (thank you again) and I have one more question if you don’t mind!!

What are beta readers? Is it anyone who reads your book, or are beta readers, like, a profession? How much of a story can you share with people before publishing it (or even querying)? For some reason I have this fear that if I share my WIP with people, then I can’t publish it?? No idea why I think that. But then if that’s true, the concept of beta readers doesn’t make sense, right? Or is there a difference between sharing it in person (like with close friends) vs sharing it online? I assume posting it is straight up not allowed (cuz why would anyone buy it) but what about sharing it with online friends? But like, wasn’t 50 shades of grey posted online first as fanfic? God, all of this is so confusing.

Anyway thanks again, I’ve literally been wondering about this stuff for years and it’s SO hard to find people willing (or able) to answer!!!!

heya! no problem, happy to help out. i’ve got lots of pointers about this one!

Crash Course On Beta Reading

beta readers are any readers that read your book with the intention of pointing out areas that they think need work. they can be anybody with eyeballs, and you can use them at any point between drafts!

if this is your first novel, i recommend involving betas after your second or third draft. usually when you finish your first draft, you have some ideas of areas that could use work, and a lot of the editing is easy to do yourself.

betas will generally be comfortable giving feedback as long as you set the parameters for them. for example, i collect my beta readers using a google form and i let them choose whether they’d be most comfortable making suggestions through inline comments (i use google docs for betas), responding to a questionnaire at the end, or leaving their thoughts however suits them best.

you can absolutely let people beta read your book and still publish it. hell, i have a whole team of alpha readers who read as i am writing just for fun. i posted a whole novel on wattpad that i’ll probably publish someday. What Comes After had two rounds of beta readers and got a book deal without any issue, so i don’t think it’s something you need to be super worried about.

the publishing industry is only concerned about what you have put up for sale and how it performed. (that’s why agents and editors caution against self publishing before you go into traditional publishing. it’s dumb, but editors do look at sales on previous books of yours before they offer. it is a business, after all!) since beta readers receive the book for free, that’s not something you need to be concerned about. lots of successful authors use beta readers!

key things to remember if you’re giving your work to readers for the first time:

readers in your target demographic will give you the most relevant feedback

keep your expectations low. about 1/2 of the people i ask to beta read finish the book within the time frame i ask. don’t worry about that. as much as it feels like it, it’s not a reflection on you or your book. i wasted a lot of energy being angsty about this the first time i ever gave a book to betas

ask your friends, but be cautious about it! i recommend not asking your super close non-writer friends, because it can get pretty awkward to talk about if they don’t follow through

beta readers sometimes mutate into friends and it’s the best

99.9% of people who read your book would not dream of copying it, especially if your betas are writers. i know that seems counterintuitive but writers know how badly that would hurt

if you’re sold on beta reading and want to give it a try, i recommend asking around the writeblr community for people who will read. i’ve done it, and you can find some of my examples under the tag #beta call. feel free to tag me in beta call posts (this goes for everyone) & i will reblog them* to boost your engagement!

*note i will not do this on excerpts/wip intros if i’m not on the tag list, it’s uncomfortable to be randomly tagged in content and i most often will ignore it on principle, but i’m more than happy to do it for writeblr intros and beta calls!

i hope that answered some of your questions! cheers😊

#asks #beta reading #publishing #advice

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maaarine · 2 years

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Sean Carroll:

“I can certainly imagine trying to understand more about the future through simulation, I mean war games or something like that.

Do you just put a computer to work, ask him what will happen?”

Jane McGonigal:

“No. No. No. Here’s the problem with computer simulations.

Let’s say we’re trying to simulate a pandemic so we’re going to input some algorithms into this computer that says: if the virus is this contagious and this many people continue to socialize or go to work, this is how many…

You’re basically inputting what you think are reasonable parameters, and then they crunch these numbers, and it says: this many people will get sick, this many people will die, this many people with disability.

Okay, that’s fine, assuming your assumptions are correct. But what we saw with this pandemic is people do all kinds of things that experts did not anticipate.

If you just set a computer simulation to simulate pandemics, you’re gonna miss this incredible complexity of human emotion and needs and what drives us and motivates us.

So when I do a simulation of a pandemic, the first time we did this, we had 8,000 people. The next time, 20,000 people.

We’re gonna tell you about this fictional scenario, this pandemic we’re living through, other complicating factors like supply chain disruptions or misinformation theories spreading on social media.

We’ll give you some extra as the game unfolds, more information about what’s going on, all you have to do is tell us what you would do, what you would feel, what you would need, how you would try to help others.

Just give us your intuitive response based on what you know about yourself, what are you likely to do.

So you’ve been told to isolate for two weeks, under what circumstances do you violate this order, disobey these instructions?

The number one thing people said back in 2008 when we first started simulating pandemics was for religious worship.

That it was so fundamental to their values, their sense of purpose and meaning, that they are gonna go to church even if it’s dangerous.

And of course, that turned out to be the number one super spreading risk all over the world, Italy, Korea, the US, this is where all the initial outbreaks were happening and people were disobeying. (…)

We don’t wanna leave it to a few computer algorithms because who knows if our algorithms are right.

People are the algorithms in these social simulations, and we let them surprise us, we look for patterns in what they’re saying are or predicting.

And it’s based on this idea, like people can be experts on their own future, and if we have this kind of bottom-up intelligence, we’ll be more prepared for surprising social consequences, that really aren’t so surprising.

One of the things I’ll never forget, pretty much in every scenario we’ve run, the moms show up and they say: well, who’s gonna take care of the kids in this scenario?

It could be a pandemic and schools closing, it could be an oil crisis, so the buses stop running, so no one goes to school, moms are always showing up being like: am I gonna have to stop working to take care of the kids?

We had somebody who was living in Upstate New York, who had experienced the long form of Lyme disease and how doctors dismissed this for decades.

They were predicting there are probably gonna be long forms for this imaginary pandemic. And of course, they were right.

Sometimes it gets dismissed by experts at the outset of real crises.

I’m very passionate about letting ordinary people into this process and the power of collective imagination.”

Source: Sean Carroll’s Mindscape: 191 | Jane McGonigal on How to Imagine the Future

#mindscape #sean carroll #jane mcgonigal #podcast #coronavirus

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my-unmanageable-mischief · 3 years

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Study Buddies

For the Anon who requested : Hello! Do you think you could do a fic where the reader is part of Draco's gang and everything and the reader and hermione are both like super smart and competing for top student? They like have it out for each other and always try to beat the other in everything, but then a professor assigns them to a project together and now they have to work with each other and get along somehow? sorry, I just thought it was a cute enemies to lovers idea!

Hermione Granger x Reader

“Can anyone tell me how to cast the Blue Sparks Charm?” Professor Flitwick asked the class and two hands automatically shot into the air.

“Ms. Granger was first.” You scowled darkly at the girl from your spot next to Draco, and he smirked slightly.

“You need to be faster.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m just trying to help,” Draco snickered. You glared at him, shaking your head before mumbling something under your breath, “Hm?” Draco prodded.

“I said, you’re not helping.” You muttered, resting your head on your hand, continuing to glare at the back of the girl in the front of the classroom. It wasn’t fair! She was so smart and it all just came to her, and you had to work your butt off to be as smart as you were. Class was dismissed and you made sure she saw you glare as she and her friends left the classroom, before you and Draco exited as well, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.

You walked some distance behind them, but close enough that they could hear you when you spoke next.

“I bet she writes the answers on her arm before class,” You joked, your friends laughed, and you watched as the girl’s shoulders tensed up.

“It’s the only way,” Crabbe agreed eagerly.

“It’s because her smarts are the only thing she has,” Draco added, “When you look like that-” You elbowed Draco giving him the ‘too far’ look. You watched as the girl quickened her pace, practically running from you. You felt sorta bad about it, but not enough to do anything.

A few weeks later you were back in Charms and Flitwick was explaining some project that he was assigning, you listened intently, taking notes like you always did.

“I will be picking your partners based on skill level,” He announced and you hand faltered. Skill level? You glanced over at Draco. He was your best friend but he wasn’t the best at charms. Maybe he would be pairing good students with the bad ones? A girl could dream, but that dream was quickly squashed.

“Malfoy and Tarzdan,” He started, you frowned. There goes your first choice. Flitwick kept listing names and you watched helplessly as kids got up and partnered up, and the students left dwindled. “Y/L/N and Granger,” Your eyes widened. Her head snapped back as she stared at you with wide eyes over her shoulder. /Fuck/.

You got up, dragging your feet, going to stand beside the girls desk. She moved her bag and allowed you to sit, and you collapsed into the chair with a grunt. Hermione crossed her arms over her chest, obviously annoyed by the predicament you found yourself in.

“I want this done perfectly.” She stated, like you did anything less than perfect ever. You glowered. “So don’t take my grade from an O to a E, got it?”

“Got it?” You mocked, rolling your eyes. “Listen princess,” You sat up slightly straighter, “I don’t half ass anything. I haven’t gotten less than an O on any assignment, I’m not starting now. I don’t like you.” She glared, “And I know you don’t like me,” She huffed and you smirked, “So let’s just get this done as fast and efficiently as possible so we can be done with this nonsense.”

“Fine,”

“That’s all you’ve got?”

“What do you want me to say to your little speech?” She spat, “Yes ma’am?” You smirked again, unrolling a piece of parchment and grabbing a quill.

“That will do, princess.”

“Stop calling me that,” She demanded and you laughed, rolling your eyes openly at the girl. You worked in mostly silence for the duration of the class, each collecting your own set of notes, occasionally breaking the hostile silence to point out something before the other girl had the chance.

“Meet me in the library, 8 pm. Don’t make me wait on you,” Hermione demanded when class ended, scooping up her stuff. You did the same, shrugging.

“I’ll get there when I get there, thanks for the suggestion though.” Hermione glared at you openly, before turning on her heel and storming away. You walked over to Draco who looked like Christmas came early.

“Having fun with your partner?” He teased, and you shook your head.

“Nope, you?” Draco smirked widely.

“I have a feeling we’ll be snogging more than studying,” He admitted and you shoved him playfully.

“You’re a pig.” He laughed, nudging you back. You spent the rest of the day in the common room, dreading 8 pm. You didn’t want to take the walk all the way to the library, and you definitely didn’t want to spend your time with Hermione Granger. Finally the time to leave came, you suffered through several more jokes from Draco before finally leaving- you arrived 5 minutes late- just to piss her off.

“You’re late.” It worked.

“So sorry,” You drawled, “I got busy,”

“Let’s just get to work,” She slammed the book open. Again you worked in silence, only occasionally broken by one of you showing the other something in your book.

“That’s not useful,” Hermione snapped at you, pushing the book back towards you, you glared.

“Says you,” You shoved it back towards her. “Just read the entire bloody paragraph before you open your big trap.” Hermione snatched the book from your hand, reading it over again before shrugging.

“I guess.” You snorted, jotting down a few notes.

“Whatever you say, princess.” She shut her own book and rubbed her eyes.

“I told you not to call me that,” You grinned cheekily, leaning back in your chair with a small shrug.

“I like it,”

“You’re... You’re..”

“Brilliant, stunning, absolutely spectacular,”

“A bitch,” She finished, packing her things away, “No way we’re finishing this tonight. Tomorrow at the same time?” You shrugged again, watching her stand and grab her bag.

“Alright,” You agreed.

“Goodnight.” She muttered, turning to stalk out of the library.

“Night,” You muttered back once she was already gone.

So the next evening you found yourself walking up to the same table in the library, 5 minutes late.

“You’re late,”

“I know,” You grinned, sitting down, she rolled her eyes at you, book already open to where she had left off the night before.

“You’re-”

“A bitch?” You supplied, sitting down, pulling your own book out. “I know,”

“I was going to say impossible. That works too,” You laughed at that and Hermione managed to crack a small grin. You smiled smugly at that, maybe she wasn’t such a robot. After a few hours of working, with slightly more back and forth this time, Hermione rubbed her eyes and closed her book again.

“Tomorrow same time?”

“Can’t, I have detention,” You shrugged, “And you’re not getting me here on a Friday night, sorry. Saturday after lunch?” You offered and she looked at you disapprovingly. “What?”

“Detention? For what?” You chuckled, packing up your bag.

“Being late to potions,” You admitted.

“Are you always late?”

“I make it a habit.” You nodded, watching as Hermione slung her back over her shoulder, standing. “Have you ever had a detention, princess?”

“No.” She huffed indignantly. “You shouldn’t either, you’re far too... smart for that. I thought you took pride in your education.”

“Sure I do, I like being the best,” You grinned, she glowered. “Doesn’t mean I don’t like to have fun too,”

“And being late is fun?”

“Being late /because/ of fun,” You corrected, “It does happen, you’d know if you ever lightened up a bit.” Hermione shook her head at you, muttered her goodnight and once again you watched her back as she rushed from the room. Odd girl.

Friday flew by, detention dragged on, and eventually Saturday rolled around. When Hermione got to your usual table in the library you were already sitting there, lounging back in the chair, playing with your quill.

“You’re early,” She commented lightly as she sat down beside you at the table, you leaned back slightly further in the chair, letting it tilt back onto two legs.

“Figured I was due for a change.” You joked and she chuckled slightly, taking her book out.

“A good change,” She spoke softly, and you allowed your chair to fall back forward onto all four legs.

“So where were we?” You went back to studying and writing out the parameters of your project, the written, oral, and wand portions. But you had an additional goal; making Hermione laugh. You were convinced she never laughed, she was too stuck up. You were doing a pretty spot on impression of Flitwick, and Hermione was smirking down at her book.

“Why don't you laugh?” You asked, finally, poking the girls arm, she rubbed the spot like you had put something on her.

“I laugh, why don’t you be funny?” She asked, and you let out a low chuckle.

“See you can be funny,” You encouraged her and she blushed slightly.

“Who said I couldn’t be?” She asked, glancing up at you. You held her gaze, Hermione quickly looked away, “Anyway, I think we did enough for today. See you Monday night? 8 pm?” She offered and you frowned slightly, nodding. Hermione stood up and went to walk away but you said her name, stopping her.

“Why don’t you like me?” You asked, curiously, leaning forward slightly. She shuffled from foot to foot, looking anywhere but you.

“You’re mean to me,”

“I’m not that mean! And you didn’t like me before I started to tease you, don’t lie.” Hermione glanced at you, shrugging her shoulders before turning to leave, leaving the question hanging in the air.

Two more nights of studying passed, you were almost finished the project and it looked like perfection in your humble opinion. Every night you spoke more and more, mostly you prodding the girl with questions. She answered them with more and more words each time you asked, but you didn’t ask her again why she didn’t like you.

Wednesday night you were wrapping up, putting the finishing touches on your work, making sure it was beyond O worthy.

“Who do you usually study with?” Hermione asked suddenly and you shrugged, sitting back to look at the girl.

“Draco mostly, but he’s useless.” You admitted, “Less studying more... getting on my nerves.” She chuckled.

“Ron and Harry are the same, I barely get work done with them, and I have to help them so much,”

“Boys are stupid, there brains are full of flobberworms.” Shr laughed again and you grinned happily.

“That is true.” She was quiet for a moment, playing with the sleeve of her jumper.

“What’s up?” You pushed, and she shrugged.

“I was just thinking, we do study well together. I bet everyone else isn’t even halfway done by now,”

“I think that’s being generous,” You joked and she nodded seriously.

“Maybe we should study again, together?” She said it like a question, and you considered her proposition for a minute.

“We’re rivals. We both want to be the best.” You reminded her and she nodded again.

“Yes, but we can, I don’t know, push each other. I...” She trailed off, clearing her throat, “Enjoy your company, I suppose. You’ve grown on me.”

“Like mold,”

“Just like mold.” She agreed, laughing.

“We can study together,” You decided, “It’ll help us both I think.” Hermione offered you a genuine smile, and you couldn’t help but to think she was pretty when she smiled.

“Brilliant. Same time tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here at 8:05,” You promised and she chuckled, rolling her eyes.

“Of course you will,” She packed her pack and stood up, waving awkwardly at you.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Night princess.” And for once she didn’t glare or scowl or tell you not to call her that, she just blushed slightly before turning and leaving the library. Maybe Hermione Granger wasn’t so bad.

#Harry Potter #hermione granger x reader #Hermione Granger #hermione granger x you #hermione granger x yn #hermione grander x y/n #hermione granger x y/n #hermione granger x slytherin #Hermione Granger x slytherinreader

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twh-news · 3 years

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‘Loki’ Breakout Sophia Di Martino on Loki’s Coming Out and Tom Hiddleston’s Famous Lecture | Variety

When Sophia Di Martino first auditioned for the Disney Plus series “Loki,” it was in September 2019. A working actor since 2004, the British native has appeared on several British TV series, including “Flowers” and “Election Spy,” and she had supporting role in the 2019 film “Yesterday,” but she hadn’t ever quite landed the breakout role that could move her career to a larger stage.

Enter Sylvie. Introduced at the end of Episode 2 the Marvel Studios “Loki,” she is a “variant” of Tom Hiddleston’s beloved god of mischief, someone who had the same inception point as Loki but whose life unfolded much differently. In Episode 3, Sylvie and Loki spend pretty much the entire hour getting to know each other — and making clear just how critical Sylvie is to the larger story.

Naturally, this kind of role is a massive opportunity, which made how Di Martino ultimately landed it even more shocking to her.

“It was the shortest casting experience I think I’ve ever had,” she says with bewilderment. “I did an audition tape with a very short scene. I wasn’t asked to do it again, and I couldn’t meet anyone because I was heavily pregnant at the time and I couldn’t travel. Tom was in the U.S., everyone else was in the U.S. So we didn’t get to screen test or anything. So I just got the job on the back of this tape, which never happens, and especially with a job like this! It was extremely quick and quite surprising to all involved. Me and my agent were both like, ‘Really? Are you sure? This is crazy? Okay, fine! We’ll do it! We’re in!'”

Once she got the role, however, Di Martino stepped inside Marvel Studios’ vibranium-clad cone of silence. And while she says she’s good at keeping a secret, finally getting to talk about the experience is a massive relief.

“I got this job in September 2019 and only today is the first day I can talk about Sylvie,” she says. “So it’s been quite hard!”

Sylvie really does not see herself as a “Loki.” So how much did you draw from Tom Hiddleston’s performance in his role as Loki when shaping your character?

I looked at his performance, but I try not to be shaped by it too much. Sylvie has had a very different backstory to Loki. She’s a different person, and that was really important to us right from the beginning. When [director] Kate [Herron] pitched me the idea when I finally got the job, and she was able to tell me a bit more about it, it was very clear that Sylvia was Sylvie. And she’s not Lady Loki from the comics. I mean, the show is inspired by the comics, but this is a brand new backstory in a brand new story. And so I wanted to make her my own.

You will see, at times throughout the series, that Tom and I do very similar things, like our physicality is similar or when we choreographed fight scenes, we’ll mirror each other. And that’s all purposely done. And then the rest of it I’ve kind of just made up as I go along.

Tom Hiddleston conducted his famous Loki lecture in advance of the show — did you have a chance to go to it?

Yeah, I was there. It’s one of those things where you can say, ‘I was there!’ It was super interesting and important for me to listen to. He knows so much about the character. He’s been with that character for 10 years. He knows that character unlike anyone else in the world. And to hear all of that information and be able to ask him any question was just really, really important and fun. Like, what a great way to start a job. It got everyone really excited about the show.

How did you and Tom and Kate Herron talk about the scene in which Loki comes out — to the audience, anyway — as bisexual?

I remember Kate being really passionate about it, and that she wanted that to be represented in the show. I think people have been waiting a long time for it. The comic books allude to it and even the Norse mythology, I think. It’s been around for so long, and it was really important to her to have that in the show. But we tried not to let that affect the way we were playing it, you know. We’re just playing it like it’s quite natural conversation between two friends — well, two acquaintances, at that point. So we tried not to give it too much weight, but we knew in the back of our minds how important it was to a lot of people. And I’ve got to say how happy it makes me that people are happy to see that.

A lot of people noticed that the lighting on Lamentis-1 was reminiscent of the bisexual flag. Did Kate take about that being on purpose?

I can’t remember her actually talking about being on purpose. But I know Kate Herron, and I think it probably it was. I think she was probably like, this is gonna be purple, pink and blue, guys! I mean, it looks beautiful.

Tell me a little about yourself. I’d read that you had always even since you were young been really keen on acting?

Yeah, I was one of those annoying kids who’s always like trying to get my sister to do plays in the living room, and always casting myself in the better part and having her play like the Cinderella character. I think it was just an excuse to boss her around. [Laughs] I was one of those really bossy kids. I’ve always I always enjoyed acting at school — I didn’t really know that acting was a job that I could do until I was a little bit older. I wasn’t the kind of kid who would say I want to be an actor, because I think my parents would have just laughed at me. A ridiculous idea! No one in my family is in that world, and it wasn’t really within my grasp. So it was always a little dream that I kept to myself, really. And then I’ve just been quietly chipping away at it for the past 25 years, and here I am!

Owen Wilson has talked about how he was aware of the MCU, but not necessarily the most super knowledgeable person about it. Where do you fall in your awareness and knowledge of of the Marvel Cinematic Universe?

Kind of similar to Owen. I’d seen a few movies, and I was aware of it. And a few of my friends are really into it. And I know that a lot of people are, but I didn’t know that much, to be honest. I’ve learned a lot more being on the show. And from Tom, who is very knowledgeable.

How much of the role did you get to do before lockdown?

I don’t want to get this wrong, but I think it was like three or four weeks of filming. It wasn’t very much at all. It was enough just to start getting in the flow of things and just to start enjoying it before we had to shut down.

In that sort of time period where we were all just sitting with our own thoughts and contemplating the world, did you think more about Sylvie and anything else that you wanted to do with the part?

It was a really great time for letting what we’d already shot sit and percolate. I know Kate and the writers did a lot more work on the storyline when they’d seen what we’d done, you know, cut together so far. From a personal perspective, it was great just to have a little bit more time to think about it. Because the beginning of the shoot, everything happened so quickly. I carried on training with my stunt double, Sara. We would meet up once or twice a week on zoom, and that was really helpful as well, just to physically get into the body of the character. So I had a lot more time to get fit after having a baby.

Part of the pandemic experience for a lot of people has been thinking about the road less travelled, which in Sylvie’s case is the most extreme example — of this person who shares some similar essence with Loki but lived a completely different life. Did that resonate at all for you while playing her?

It’s so interesting to see two characters who are so similar and so different. It was really important to me to reflect the kind of life that Sylvie has had. The costume reflects that as well with the broken horn and the slightly disheveled costume. And little things like keeping more of my regional accent, and not trying to sound too posh or too well spoken, because it just wouldn’t suit the experience that Sylvie’s had. All of those things were were parts of creating this character and this relationship between Tom and I.

So how does how does one audition for a particularly physical role while pregnant?

Well, luckily, the scene that they gave me, I think, ended up being the scene on the train when they both sat down having a conversation. So I didn’t have to stand up. It was just head and shoulders. So you would never know just by looking at the tape. And then I don’t exactly know how it happened. I think it was just lucky that it wasn’t a super physical scene that I had to act out. Trying to do stunts or something, that would have been terrible!

When you got this role, what really were the parameters of who you could talk to, and who you couldn’t, before today?

I can talk to Tom and I can talk to Kate, but I just wasn’t really supposed to say anything else to anyone else. And I’m really good at keeping secrets, so I just didn’t talk to anyone else about it. Tom and I would just call each other and be like, ‘Oh, we need to say all this stuff, because we’ve got to say to anyone else! Ahh! What about this scene and this bit and this bit?!’ And you know, we’d meet up with Kate and do the same thing. So it was kind of just the three of us.

#loki #loki series #sophia di martino #interview #article #variety

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spnfanficpond · 3 years

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Alpha Reader Program - May 2021

Our alpha and mentee for April are moving along like gangbusters with their story, and man, it's gonna be a DOOZY!! We can't wait to read it! In the meantime, we're gonna get a head start on setting up for May!

Our alpha reader for May is @girl-next-door-writes!!

If you are a Pond member and are interested in working with this month’s alpha reader, everything you need to know about signing up is below the cut!

Click here to find out exactly what an alpha reader is! Here’s how the program works.

(Everything is subject to change as we go if we find things that aren’t working out. If you have any suggestions, let us know!)

Below, you will find information from the alpha for this month. This information should help you determine if this month’s alpha is someone you could work with.

If you are interested in working with this alpha, you will fill out this application form. (Pond members only. Joining is easy! Check out the Start Here link!)

Only the Pond admins will be able to see your username. The alpha will not know who you are. We hope this brings together people who maybe wouldn’t otherwise find each other, so this application process will be blind.

DEADLINE TO APPLY IS MIDNIGHT, PACIFIC TIME, ON THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.

Based on the application information, the alpha will pick a mentee. Only after the mentee is chosen will the alpha know who they have chosen.

The pair will decide if they want a list of prompts to choose from, or if they want to work on a story idea the mentee has had on the back burner.

Together, they will create beautiful words.

The mentee will post their work on their own blog and submit it to the Pond for posting and to be added to the Program masterpost.

If there are any questions or concerns throughout, @mrswhozeewhatsis will be the point person/mediator!

Story requirements/parameters:

Must be SPN fan fiction.

All ships/pairings/kinks/genres allowed. The only restrictions are those set by the alpha and the mentee.

Use a Keep Reading cut if your story is more than 500 words.

Tag your story with the appropriate trigger warning tags and list them in the author’s note.

Our preferred header format is here.

There is no minimum or maximum word count for this. We don’t expect a novel, but hope for a one-shot.

The story idea MUST be something the mentee has not written or posted, yet. Ideally, to get the most out of this experience, the mentee will only have a couple of sentences about a vague idea, at most. We will provide a list of prompts if you like.

We would prefer that this not be Part 1 of a series. We don’t want to ask the alpha to commit to something larger than a one-shot. If the idea turns into more, and the mentee is willing to continue without the alpha, or the alpha is willing to continue working on the story after the month is done, then that is up to the alpha and the mentee.

Use the hashtag #alpha reader program when you post your story and tag the @spnfanficpond, your alpha reader, and @mrswhozeewhatsis

And now, a bit about our alpha for this month:

What is your username?

@girl-next-door-writes

Are you a writer, yourself?

Yes

Are you an experienced beta? (Have you beta read for more than five people, reading more than one story for at least 1 of them?)

What is your turnaround time for a typical one-shot? (This will not be a typical situation, but this answer will give everyone an idea of how long to give you after they send you something.)

2-3 days

On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “English is my second language,” and 5 being, “I have a degree in English or professional editing experience,” how confident are you with your grammar skills?

What time zone are you in?

England

Is there anything you won't read? Ships/pairings, smut, non-con, dub-con, slash, AU, etc.

No Destiel, no Wincest

On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “Please don’t make me drink the demon blood again,” and 5 being, “Easier than Dean’s pie,” how comfortable would you be checking for story elements such as continuity errors, characterization, and canon compliance?

Brainstorming ideas will require you both to be free at the same time. When is the best time for you?

Evenings and weekends

How long of a story are you willing to read for this project?

<2000 words 2000 - 4999 words 5000 - 9999 words

Do you use Google Docs?

Yes

Please write a couple of sentences to give writers a feel for your style and approach to alpha reading. For example, what is your main focus when it comes to storytelling (i.e. details, feelings, actions)? Are you willing to help with flow or pacing? If a writer is having trouble with a certain sentence, are you willing to offer rewording/restructuring suggestions? Do you feel comfortable offering notes on the story if you feel like something is missing or needs more work?

Hello! Honestly, I am willing to be as hands on as you want. Need me to just check grammar? I can do that. Want me to cheerlead? I can do that. Want me to go through everything with a fine tooth comb? I can do that. I do leave notes, and some of them may be keyboard smashes, so feel free to comment back.

What do you feel your weaknesses are when writing or alpha reading? For example, do you have trouble with dialogue or action scenes? Is there a particular grammar aspect you have trouble with?

Fight scenes are my weakness. Lots of action with multiple characters just make me squint.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

I am super excited and can’t wait to start. Let’s do this!

There you go! If you are interesting in working with our alpha this month, go fill out this application here and we will let you know if you are chosen!

If you have any questions or suggestions about the program, please send an ASK to the inbox or a private message to @mrswhozeewhatsis!

#alpha reader program #spnfanficpond

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thechekhov · 4 years

Note

Hey, so I have a crush on someone who’s non-binary but it’s very confusing for me. I just wanted to know what your explanation of non-binary is because I’m quite confused by it and I’m not sure how to feel about liking a non-binary person? Like what sexuality would that make me, you know. For context, I’m a guy and I’ve been trying to stop liking people other than girls but it obviously ain’t working, and I’m just trying to know more about it I guess, but I don’t wanna offend them?

The fact that you want to learn more about the person you have a crush on and care about their gender enough to ask is, first of all, super kind of you. I wanted to mention that. As a non-binary person who ended up with someone who ISN’T nonbinary, let me tell you… having that person respect your identity and presentation feels like a warm blanket around your shoulders every day.

Okay, now onwards to the actual explaining.

I think you probably are already somewhat aware but as a general blanket idea, non-binary people are people who don’t feel like their gender identity fits within the gender binary.

The gender binary is a word we use to refer to the two.. hm… for lack of a better word ‘traditional’ genders - men and women.

Everyone sees it a little differently, but personally I subscribe to the theory that gender IS a social construct. That isn’t to say it’s not real - it IS. But gender is not a set standard in society. Never has been. The roles, expectations, social status of men and women across the years has always been in flux. (How does each gender dress? What is ‘expected’ of each gender? etc) And across a variety of cultures and communities, humans have always had gender identities that HAVEN’T been ‘men’ or ‘women’ but instead identified as something else - either something in-between, or something removed from that binary altogether.

Since gender is a socially constructed and maintained identity, some people DON’T fit into the ‘traditional’ parameters and prefer to define their experiences in their own way.

What this means, simply speaking, is that you MAY have grown up, been raised in the identity of ‘boy’ - and that feels comfortable for you. You are satisfied that other people view you as a guy, you are set in this part of your identity and it (presumably) affects how you act with other people and what you expect from yourself. Maybe that means being masculine. Maybe it means being a good boyfriend to someone and cooking them meals. Maybe it means moving to the countryside and raising sheep! Who knows.

In the case of non-binary people, this default gender they are assigned at birth (the one based on genitals) is not actually in line with their personal expectations of themselves. They don’t identify with the blanket idea of being a ‘man’ or being a ‘woman’. They don’t feel like the label of ‘man’ or ‘woman’ defines the role they want to take in society accurately.

There’s a sort of ‘mind game’ many people use to think about gender and stuff that goes like this - “Imagine you’re a guy and you wake up tomorrow in a woman’s body. How would you feel?”

It’s meant to put you into the shoes of transgender people and make you think about how society interacts with you when your gender identity and body don’t match. And it has some value….. to an extent.

Personally I feel that it’s more accurate to put it this way:

Imagine you wake up tomorrow, and nothing changes. You get dressed in your regular attire and go about your day to run errands or go to work, but people keep casually referring to you as ‘Blue’ and commenting that your clothes are odd and aren’t the right color. You go into a store and people give you weird looks. Some old lady comes up to you and says ‘Why are you out in public wearing green and khaki? Don’t you know you’re giving other Blue children the wrong idea?’

You feel confused - you just put on a shirt that’s comfortable, and it happened to be green. Other people around you constantly talk about their assigned ‘color’ and what it means to them. You have no idea what anyone is talking about, but you quickly figure out it has something to do with your eye color being blue. You try to go along with it for a while but it ends up being exhausting. You want to wear and do things you like, you have a personal connection to, but almost everything is influenced by your being ‘Blue’.

Colored contacts are an option, but they bother your eyes and they’re expensive - plus if someone noticed you wearing them, they tend to get violent. Some people even suggest that if you don’t identify as blue, you could get eye surgery and change your eyes to green or brown. But you don’t want that either - it’s dangerous, and besides, you ultimately feel that none of these colors fit you, specifically.

This is kind of a metaphor, as I’m sure you guessed, but it’s what I’ve personally felt like since I was a young child. I’m agender (part of the nonbinary crew) and I personally have NO idea what the fuck gender feelings are about. I know people HAVE them - I know people care about gender a LOT. People have tried to get me to adhere to the standards of my assigned gender since I was little and have been emotionally devastated on my behalf when puberty did not ‘gender me up’ as much as had been expected. And despite all this, I feel no sense of belonging to either of the binary gender roles. If I woke up tomorrow in a body with completely different genitals I wouldn’t give a single shit beyond the obvious logistics of like… having to change information on my driver’s license. I would feel absolutely no more ‘at home’ than I currently do.

Your non-binary crush MAY or MAY NOT experience the world this way. Maybe they have different feelings about it. Thinking ‘this person doesn’t want to be identified as a man or a woman’ is a good place to start, but it’s not the end-all-be-all.

So what does that mean for your sexuality?

Well, that’s up to you! If you’re worried about not being straight, that’s fair (I feel like that’s honestly a given in a society that STILL associates non-straightness with a variety of negative stereotypes). But remember - just because you’re attracted to a non-binary person doesn’t mean to HAVE to reinvent yourself. You’re still you, you still have the same preferences - you maybe just discovered that your attraction scope is a bit wider than you thought.

You can define your identity in a variety of ways - straight with some exceptions, bi-curious, pansexual... I know many people jump to say ‘if you’re in a relationship with a non-binary person that relationship is already NOT STRAIGHT, YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT’ but I personally see no positive benefits to defining people’s relationships for them.

I’d gather that for the time being, the best thing to do is to keep getting to know your crush - not as a gender, but as a person! See what they’re into, see what they like - how they like to spend time, what they prefer to be called, what they want out of life. Don’t focus on their gender unless they want you to. If and when the time comes to discuss your attraction and define it, then you can ask them to help you figure it out. :)

Unfortunately necessary disclaimer: As I’ve mentioned, all things here are my own personal experiences, and are not meant to be statements defining of the community. If you disagree with how I parse gender, feel free to make your own post and explain YOUR ideas! Please be kind in the comments - we’re all just trying to make it to the end of the decade. :)

#Anonymous #gender #genderqueer #nonbinary #non-binary #enby #NB #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqa #lgbtqia #queer stuff #agender

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vydante · 4 years

Text

Restart | 12

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Avengers x Male! Reader (romantically: multiple)

A/N: Missed y'all. I don't think I'm officially off of my hiatus, but I somehow managed to pull a chapter out of my ass after months of radio silence. I really did back myself into a corner with the last chapter, but hey, this is my story and I get to pace it however I want.

Sorry if things are worded weirdly, I'm writing them but they're going through one ear and out the other when it comes to comprehending what I actually wrote. No one will remember what happened, but that's okay. God, I really need a beta-reader... Anyways. Love y'all. XOXO.

Also, sorry if any of the formattings seems off. HTML doesn't really translate well over certain sites. (Tumblr, Quotev, Wattpad, and AO3 are now my main places for posting my works. Anywhere else, that's not me nor was it permitted by me.)

If you want a recap: You're in the process of jumpstarting Project Renaissance after realizing that you've just been doing basically nothing ever since you woke up in your old body. You've also taken to making video logs to report down your progress, and in the last chapter (that was in the POV of multiple video logs), it ended on a cliffhanger with Barnes being discovered and moved to a safe house.

This chapter takes place roughly after the last one.

If you're currently binge reading this story, this recap is only because last chapter was updated... Roughly more than 7 months before this chapter. So. Yeah. :D

Oh, and let's pretend that either A. Barnes doesn't have a tracking chip in his arm OR B. he did, but you got it out during the whole rescue-escapade. That's my bad, I straight up forgot about that possibility until I was like, close to 4000 words deep into this chapter. Now we're at roughly 8k+... Hehe. Whoops.

_______

You're not gonna call Barnes, Bucky.

There's a personal touch to the nickname that bothers you. How awful it sounds in your ears, to call the former husk of a man a name he no longer recognizes. There's history to that name, both on writing and in memory, though only in sparsity. Plus, it'll be difficult for you to associate Bucky to Barnes. A man with an identity to a man without.

So after the whole debacle of getting him out of the mini-Hulk playbox and into decent dry clothing, when he asks what his name is, you quietly debated to yourself what to tell him.

"... Your name is James Buchanan Barnes," you'd eventually reply.

He doesn't comment on the resignation in your tone, but you're confident that he certainly noticed it- surely, the ticks of being the Winter Soldier was still there, no matter how disoriented he must be. But whether courtesy was something that he hadn't forgotten whilst his brain was refried over and over like leftover KFC wings or he was simply too exhausted to ask, you didn't care.

Granted, for a man who should have a lot of questions on his mind, he's definitely proven himself to be a man of very few words.

An hour goes by, and in the midst of you trying your best to build a solid standing between the two of you, he's said so few words that you could probably count all of them on both of your hands.

If it weren't for the nods of affirmation, you'd think that his averted gaze from you would have meant that he wasn't paying attention at all, but honestly, you knew better than to judge him for that if he actually wasn't actually listening in the first place.

Hell, he could tear up the walls to the high heavens and you still wouldn't hold him against it, so you were just thankful that he was so docile, for someone who could snap your neck if he felt so inclined.

Though, as it turns out confusion and disorientation wasn't the actual reason why he was being so docile, you belatedly realize as you're stood in front of a blank-faced Barnes. You're in the middle of trying to give him a basic tour around the house when he quietly interrupted your monologuing.

"Mission parameters," you echoed his words, though mainly to yourself. He nods, and for once meets your eyes. There's neither confidence nor surrender in his eyes, and that makes your stomach churn. Chances are, he probably saw nothing wrong with asking such a thing.

"You want me to give you- mission parameters. Like- like your handlers would?" You laughed incredulously, but the humor was replaced with subdued hysterical horror.

You were aware of what they were. Aware of the types of hunts his Handlers- bastards- would sick him out on. Aware of what he did without a second thought. You saw those files, if only briefly. That was more than enough for you to see the type of expectations that came alongside "mission parameters".

He nods as if you were stating the obvious.

God.

You opened and closed your mouth, and for a split second, once you got past the horror of being asked to tell him what to do, a subtle realization crawled up your spine. In the midst of your impromptu introduction and briefing, you never really made a distinction as to what role you were supposed to play in all of this.

So it shouldn't be a surprise for Barnes to assume that you're his new- what? Handler? Caretaker? After all, as far as you can assume, that's probably all he knows; all he was conditioned to grow accustomed to, to expect his every move to be dictated by some outsider with no care to the wants or needs that Barnes has.

(Hell, if you were to make a reach right now, maybe Barnes thinks he doesn't have wants or needs. That he shouldn't.)

(In the background, a part of you simmer in silence.)

With your jaw clenched, you make an effort to make your voice as even as can be when you ask him, "You don't need mission parameters, Barnes. You're your own free man. You can- can make decisions on your own. You don't need me to tell you what you need to do."

Pray as you might, there's something about realizing that you said the wrong thing right after saying said words that make you wonder what you did to anger the higher powers that be to put yourself in the situation you're in right now.

Barnes doesn't say anything, but his eyes says it all. Confusion. Realization. Grief. Detachment. His metal hand clenches, and you're man enough to admit that it made your heart stutter in fear.

"I...", he mutters, "... don't understand."

You swallowed.

This...

This is gonna be tough.

_______

It's difficult to explain what self-autonomy and freedom meant to a man who is only capable of remembering being chained and held on a leash like a rabid dog.

Thankfully, it was your winter break, so you had a manageable excuse for being away from "home" for a few days, but you only had so long to try and establish to Barnes that you're not going to be able to be there with him as often as you are now (and even then, the time frame was too small to even make any sense of attachment).

You knew for sure you couldn't always be there for Barnes, so one thing was certain: he had to meet DAHLIA. And thankfully, since the whole safe house was yours, not even your father knew that DAHLIA, your own A.I., would be uploaded into the houses' built-in hardware.

(While the hardware was built with the intention of housing J.A.R.V.I.S. there as a standard, he ended up "moving out" the moment that the house became yours. Something about "not intruding on a teenager's privacy", but you're more than thankful for Tony's afterthought, even if you did end up taking slight advantage of his consideration.)

And surprisingly enough, Barnes wasn't really bothered by the concept of DAHLIA as much as you had initially expected. Of course, he didn't really talk to her, but it wasn't like he talked much in the first place.

(On a side note, it looks like DAHLIA seems to like the house, all things considered... So there's that.)

(The original DAHLIA was never installed here, instead she ended up "living" in a retirement house of sorts in a wooded area of New York. She never said anything about the house, so it's... Kind of endearing, to see that she actually might prefer this house instead. And mildly insulting, considering you personally decorated the other house.)

You ended up spending nearly the whole night trying to establish even the most basic of guidelines: use the bathroom whenever he needed to (you initially said phrased it as "wanted", but he promptly cut you off saying "The Asset does not have wants," which, rude, but also sad); whatever is in the kitchen is available for him to eat whenever, where ever; basic hygiene; and the most important one- if he had any questions, his first source would be you. And on the off-chance that you're not available, DAHLIA is always online and ready to help.

He gave a tentative nod, but you're somehow not confident that he might have interpreted it wrong. You're hoping he doesn't do anything to prove you right.

"Alright. So. Any questions?"

He stares at you for a beat too long before shaking his head.

He's still giving non-verbal answers for the most part, but it's better than nothing. You internally sighed and motioned him to follow you deeper into the safe house.

Considering that it was already pretty late by the time you managed to beat those guidelines into his head (maybe that should be worded better, but you never claimed to be a lyricist; it is what it is), he might be just as tired as you are from how long the day has been.

(Granted, this dude has been "asleep" for who knows how long, but it's the thought that counts.)

"You know where I'm taking you to?" you asked, not really expecting an answer from him.

"No," he responds from behind you. Color you surprised.

You turned into the hallway and stepped up to an unassuming door. You opened it to reveal an equally unassuming bedroom. Muted colors, modern design; it reeked Pepper's doing, knowing that Tony isn't as decoratively-inclined as she is.

Hah, bet she didn't expect that instead of housing you or your dad, it'll go to a super-solder that wasn't Steve instead.

(Not that Steve would ever have a reason to step foot in here, but in this line of work, you'd be stupid to be 100% sure about something.)

You motioned him to come into the room and tilted your head to the bed.

"This is your bedroom, pretty much where you'll be sleeping. There's a bathroom right over there," you motioned to the door adjacent to the entrance door, "and I'll be in the room right next to yours."

Barnes takes a second to process it all, and with a quick scan of the room with calculating eyes, he nods. You absentmindedly scratched the back of your neck.

"I mean, there's plenty of rooms here so if you don't like this one, just let me know and we'll probably move you to another room-" you rambled, secretly trying to get a move on so you'd finally get some shut-eye.

(What? You're not perfect, sleep is heavily slept on in this day and age. Hah.)

(God, you're definitely going to hell.)

"-and you know how to use a toilet, right?"

The raised eyebrow pointed at you definitely proves that that was a pretty stupid question, but hey, you can't take any chances. You shrugged, a tired smirk threatening to form on your lips.

"Well then. Can I leave it to you to settle down for the night, or...?" you left it open-ended.

He didn't say anything in response, only stared at the bed in front of him. There was a pregnant pause, but he nodded at you. There was a strange tilt to his eyes, but you didn't bother to think further into it as you were just thankful that you could finally rest.

"Well then, good night Barnes. I'll come by tomorrow morning and we'll continue to, er," you thought about it, "work, on your situation."

You made a swift exit out of his room and immediately into "your" room, which was literally right next to his. You immediately discarded your clothes and with a brisk shower and teeth brushing, you promptly dropped straight onto the bed with an audible grunt, wet hair soaking straight into the pillow.

Pulling the plush duvet to cover your body, you reached for your phone to check for any messages you might have gotten.

(3 from Tony; he asked where you were. You told him that you're staying at a safe house and that you needed a small break. It wasn't wrong, but definitely an omission of truth. A few days would be fine, right?)

(2 from Rhodey; it's a picture of a Goodwill's, and there's a silhouette in a nearby window of some guy. "This you?" he asks. "No ❤️," you sent back.)

(63 is from the group chat that the Avengers are in- ah, make that 64 and counting. It's just a bunch of nonsense from what you can gather, but you briefly scrolled through it anyways.)

Turning your phone off, you smushed your face into the pillow and sighed, a terrible knot forming at the pit of your stomach. With an open ear, you tried to hear any noise that could come from Barnes' room, but considering that the walls were reinforced and he was already quiet as it is, all you could hear was the AC running in the background.

"DAHLIA," you huffed, eyes drooping, "keep an eye on him, wake me up if anything happens."

"Got it," her voice echoes from the ceiling speakers.

You quietly tucked yourself in bed. As the exhaustion finally started settling in your body, the last thought that lingered in your head was "Man, I hope nothing bad happens tomorrow," before you drifted right off to dreamless slumber.

_______

The next day was, to say the least, a little disconcerting, but a bigger improvement to be sure.

Right after waking up, you begrudgingly put on some daytime appropriate clothes and stepped out into the hallway. You knocked on the door that was right next to yours, and gingerly opened it when you didn't hear much of a response.

"Good morning," you tentatively greeted. Barnes was sitting at the foot of the bed when you knocked on his door. He mumbled back a greeting and stands up to your eye level.

His clothes are still the same from last night, and judging by the clean state of his bed, he either woke up earlier than you expected or he was sat like that the whole night.

You're not too keen on finding out which was the case, but you had to.

"Sleep well?"

You stepped out of the doorway and motioned him to follow you. Briefly glancing down at your phone to see just a few messages waiting for you, you opted to ignore them for now.

"I slept."

He quietly stated from behind you. He avoided saying if he slept well or not, but at least the damn Terminator slept. You mentally deflated a little; the bar was set so low for him, you're not too sure who it's more insulting to- you or him.

(Of course, it's to him, that shouldn't be a question. Your feelings don't matter.)

"We're gonna have to wing this a little, but uh, here's the general gist of what's gonna happen."

Stepping into the kitchen, you're taken aback to last night as he tentatively stands across from you from the kitchen island. Really, you'd opt to go to the living room, but you both radiate too much nervous energy to really sit.

You opened the refrigerator and sighed when all that greeted you was water and non-perishables. Right. You just got here, it's not like there's gonna be freshly stocked food in here 24/7.

"DAHLIA, order some fresh food and get it delivered today. Charge it on my debit," you mumbled quietly.

DAHLIA doesn't say anything, but the refrigerator lights flicker a familiar green hue that keys you in that she heard you. You raised an impressed eyebrow; what an unnecessary feature for a refrigerator to have. You closed the door and turned around to face Barnes.

"I'm here to serve as, say, a guide for," you gestured to him, "your... rehabilitation, of sorts."

"For now, I can't really offer any... Professional help, on a technical level. I'm not- that's not my area of expertise. I'm an engineer at heart," actually, you really liked other things more than being an engineer, but your fate of becoming the CEO of SI was sealed the moment you decided to live with your dad, "so we're going to have to make a compromise on that."

You shook your head.

"If you were anyone else, I'd point you to a shrink," Barnes gives you a confused stare.

"Therapist," you clarified. He nods.

"But quite frankly," Zemo's face flashes in your memory, "I don't trust anyone to properly... Well, I don't trust anyone when it comes to the mental health of you, and the Avengers too, of course."

Pausing mid-rant, you raised an eyebrow at him.

"You... do know who the Avengers are, right?"

He nods and begins to rattle off a pre-scripted monologue. His eyes are blank as he started speaking.

"A group of top priority, compromised of highly skilled individuals, enhanced or otherwise specified. Threat priority ranges from 5 to 9. As of now, 6 active-duty members and 1 reserve member. The Asset is to not engage under any circumstance and reveal-"

"Alright alright, I get it- that's," you're a little offended that you're considered a "reserve member", but that's not technically wrong, "That's a lot to unpack there, but yeah. You- whew, you definitely know who the- we are."

(You've gotten into the habit of distancing yourself from the Avengers the moment that you had become CEO. You're still working on that, but the word "we" still feels wrong on your tongue.)

There's a little more life that came back to Barnes' eyes after you had snapped him out of it, and it's a bit surreal knowing that Barnes just kinda... runs on autopilot when prompted. The image of Barnes being strapped down in a chair and forced to learn and recite those kinds of things by heart is both horrifying and a little funny.

(Do you think they had a set curriculum he had to learn by?)

"So yeah. The Avengers gotta be careful when lookin' for shrinks, and so do you. There's just too many factors that go into gettin' a personal therapist. So for now," you shrugged, "you're stuck with me."

"What are they?"

"Hm?"

"The factors."

You shrugged.

"Well, for starters, you're- you were, HYDRA's prisoner," the muscle around his jaw visibly clenches when you mentioned HYDRA, but you powered through, "so they'll definitely be interested in getting their fight dog back. They're good at blending in and good at getting their musty little fingers into every nook and cranny. I wouldn't put it past them to have one of their agents go undercover as a therapist for hire. So that's one factor: trying to discern who is and isn't HYDRA."

You raised a finger.

"Then there's the fact that because you're such a... shall we say, top priority, er, asset," that word runs bitter on your tongue, "even if your shrink isn't HYDRA, they'll definitely be targeted by HYDRA if it ever came to light that they have a direct link to you. So there's reason number two: loose ends, and the risks that come with it."

You raised another finger. By now, Barnes has a hard but contemplative curl to his lips.

"And then not to mention how unique your case it. Barnes, you've been a POW for decades. Your brain- no offense buddy, but from what I can tell, it's been fried to hell and back. I don't even have to do any fancy brain scans to know. And that's not even including all the other stuff they probably did to you, only God knows."

You shook your head.

"There's too much at risk for you to get proper therapy right now. But. It's not impossible."

You think back to Shuri, and how she and the other Wakandan scientists were successful in both removing the trigger words and rehabilitating Barnes.

Well, you're not sure about the last part, since you never interacted with the Barnes of your time, but you'd assume that they did help with his subsequent mental health. You wouldn't really put it past them- T'Challa was a nice guy, from your limited interactions with him way into the future, and Shuri was buzzing with ideas and energy. If T'Challa's sympathy for Barnes wasn't enough, then Shuri's crave to help and experiment would supplement the balance plenty. Vice versa, too.

So yeah, future-Barnes' mental health was most likely addressed during his time in Wakanda. And it was almost guaranteed to have been a success.

So you're still gonna hold a torch for the possibility that Barnes' can come out of this as a relatively well-adjusted guy.

Not to mention B.A.R.F. As far as you know, the R&D team assigned to that was still progressing smoothly, but the only downside to that was that it wasn't going to be until a few more years before it's "perfected".

You were never really involved in any way with B.A.R.F. since you were both prepping for SI and finishing college. Your dad was definitely more involved in it than you were, but it's not like you could ask him to pull a few year's worths of experimentation and knowledge out of his ass and exponentially boost the rate of B.A.R.F.'s progress, so.

Helen Cho suddenly sprang to mind, but you quickly threw away that thought. Your- well, Barnes'- issue was neurological, Cho was all about cell regeneration and is a geneticist. So unless somehow the issue crosses over with Cho's line of work, she wasn't a possibility either. There was also Strange, but as far as you've heard the man was pretty... abrasive, even as a wizard. Hard to get a hold of, and very... Hard-headed.

Well, all of that was second hand since it came from Tony, but still. Maybe you could pull Tony in for some clout, but that'll just make him suspicious. God, maybe you shouldn't have kept the whole "I'm actually from the future" spiel a secret, otherwise you wouldn't have to be doing all this crap alone.

Oh well. In for a penny, out for a pound.

You sighed, already feeling the dull thump against your skull starting to form.

"So what now?" Barnes asks. He's less tentative than he was last night, but still soft-spoken when he talks.

"Well, you're stuck with me, bud. I'll do my best to get you prepped for the actual rehabilitation, but honestly, that might take a little longer than you'd expect. So, we'll just- well."

You eyed the outfit he was donning, which was literally your clothes- so it was a few sizes too small for him. He doesn't really seem bothered by it, and if it weren't for the fact that he's sort of proved himself to be neglectful of voicing his own preferences, you'd be a little more inclined to appreciate the view of one very, very beefy super-soldier.

But alas.

Life never really works in your favor, so.

"We'll need to get a few essential things out of the way. Food is already on its way, I assume you aren't allergic to anything?"

He pauses, and there goes that familiar glaze forming over his eyes. You sigh, knowing that he was probably searching through his mental "data-bases" for any allergies, but thankfully it's not long as he blinks back into attention.

"None."

"Yeah, I could'a figured, what with your super-soldier serum."

(You're pretty sure that also makes him immune to cancer, but maybe that's just you glorifying it.)

"So: the food situation is cleared. Now, we need to get you some new clothes because, uh, those don't look very comfortable."

"Comfort does not matter. I am adequately dressed."

You snorted. Maybe it's better that you don't tell Barnes that he's wearing a Sharknado tee and some sweats that have "Eat this!" printed on his behind.

(And maybe it's better that you didn't remember that yes, these are indeed still your clothes.)

"Comfort does matter, my guy. DAHLIA, take some quick measurements."

The kitchen light dims and brightens, shining lime green into the kitchen. It lingers and turns back into that white-blue that sometimes makes your eyes burn when you've been up for too late into the night.

"Seargent Barnes' measurements are now on file. You two want to see the available catalog?"

Right where the kitchen island was, a panel opens up to reveal a hologram of a bunch of articles of clothing, all of which has been adjusted to Barnes' size- or an approximate at least, since there's some that's labeled X or XL.

"Barnes? You got anything you want to do right now or...?"

You gestured to the hologram in front of you.

His face contorts a little, not too noticeable at a quick glance. He doesn't look uncomfortable per se, but judging by the downwards curl of his lips, he's definitely not excited to see the hologram.

You flicked your wrist and it disappeared just as quick as it appeared. Strangely enough, his expression doesn't loosen up as his eyes flicker upwards to yours.

"Hey, that's okay. If it's the hologram, that's no biggie, we'll just move over to the, uh, TV in the next room over. C'mon."

You jerked your head and motioned him to follow you. His face laxes and he walks behind you without a word.

_______

You two ended up getting a lot done all things considered.

Barnes seemed pretty bothered by how many clothing choices there are, but when you asked if he wanted you to just curate a list for him, he easily relented. He was hovering over you the whole time, but you weren't too bothered by it as you were too busy browsing for him.

You went from site to site searching for clothes that screamed "The Winter Soldier", but all that was coming up was clothes in fifty shades of black and with no pizzaz. You did pass by a few Avengers-related merch (especially yours), but he said nothing when you added two or three into your cart, so he probably doesn't care. You did show him a lot of clothes that you thought would fit him, and he nodded to pretty much all of them.

By the time you were done looking for clothes, the doorbell had rung.

("That was quick," you reminisced. DAHLIA was quick to respond.

"It came from a nearby Walmart."

"Huh.")

Barnes' head jerked as his eyes were trained on the entrance door. You patted his arm, and his eyes glance at you.

"Relax, it's just the food. DAHLIA ordered some groceries earlier."

You stood up to go answer the door, and Barnes followed suit. You raised an eyebrow at him, but he doesn't really seem like he's gonna back down anytime soon.

"You know... You can follow behind, but you're gonna have to be in the shadows or something 'cuz, you know... Just- if someone's still at the door, don't let them see you okay?"

He nods, almost mechanically so, and you turned around and walked to the entrance door.

Opening the door, you were greeted with a few big boxes. You raised an eyebrow and glanced out through the door; there are no cars nearby, and DAHLIA whispers in your ear that the clearing's safe- not a single life signature anywhere.

"Barnes, the coast's clear," you called out, already reaching down to grab one of the boxes. You grunt, adjusting your grip before you lifted and turned around.

Barnes, having already popped out of whatever dark corner he was in, is already a few feet behind you.

"Hey, you don't mind helping me bring in those boxes, will you?"

You were already walking past him, but you barely caught the briefest flash of furrowed eyebrows before you saw him walk over to the door. You mentally shrugged, but placed the box in the kitchen and went back over to the door to get the other one.

By the time you were done setting down the box, Barnes had already closed the door and was standing under the arch connecting the kitchen to the main hallway.

You motioned him over, and he complied.

"What is inside?"

You're almost proud that you didn't jump. He doesn't talk much, but when he does it always startles you.

"Groceries, but I don't know what specifically. DAHLIA chose all of it. And by the looks of it, she chose a lot. So. You're gonna help me unpack and we'll probably- well, I'll probably make some food. You can help if you want."

Your back was turned to him, and you started unloading the boxes and their contents. Barnes doesn't move for a hot moment, but he squats down next to you and starts unwrapping the smaller boxes that were inside it.

"You don't mind if I put on some music, right?"

You glanced at him.

"I... don't. Mind," he mumbles, tentatively glancing back at you. You gave him a brief thumbs up and turned your attention back to

"DAHLIA, play something chill. Low volume."

_______

Pretty much, the whole day consisted of unpacking all of the groceries that had been delivered. You ended up pausing, having gotten tired of being awake without food in your stomach, and made some food for the two of you.

You tried conversing with him, trying to get him to at least feel more comfortable, and it... kinda worked. There are a few touchy subjects that he doesn't really seem to like talking about (he doesn't really vocalize his discomfort, but his flinches, no matter how minute they were, spoke louder than words). HYDRA, obviously. Anything revolving the Avengers put him off as well, among other things.

Really, most of the eating consisted of small talk and eating noises, but at least some of the tension in his shoulders had lessened by the time that you two needed to get back to unpacking. Hell, by the time that was done, Barnes' clothes had arrived.

(Oh, the benefits of being insanely rich. Say it with me kids: Thank you, Tony!)

You're usually a little apprehensive about buying clothes online, but color you surprised when not only did all of them fit; Barnes didn't have a single problem with any of them.

"You like 'em?"

You whistled when Barnes came out of his bathroom, now back in your clothes that you had given him originally. He tried all of them on, and you ended up buying him so many clothes that a lot of time had passed by the time he was done. You just sat on his bed, slowly collecting all of the clothes and ripping off the tags, damned if he didn't like one of them; you'll just take it instead.

"They're adequate," he nodded. In his hand were the folded clothes (A camo tee and dark sweatpants), and he set them onto his bed with the other folded clothes.

"Did any of 'em uncomfortable? Too tight, any of the fabric feels wrong...?"

You left the question open-ended as you helped him dump it into a laundry bin. He doesn't respond right away as if he didn't hear you. His eyes flicker over to yours.

"... No. They- I..." the muscle under his eye spasms, "I liked them..."

You grinned, "Glad to hear that, guess we got lucky that none of these was a dud, huh?"

The ghost of a smile that was on his lips appeared briefly, but it was gone just as fast as it had appeared.

Really, that had basically been the peak of the day before things had started to mellow out a little bit. But that was okay, you took whatever it was that Barnes gave, and if it was just the smallest smile you've ever seen on a man, then so be it.

Afterward, the day somehow managed to blend together and pass along like an exhale. Not much happened, since you couldn't really- well, offer anything that could scientifically and medically help him. So you opted to just- try to get him up to date as much as possible.

Honestly, by the time that you had gotten through the first three decades (starting when he was born), it was already pretty late into the night.

(He had a lot of questions, and you really didn't blame him. Hell, most of the more personal information really came from DAHLIA, because as much as you sympathized with the man, you really didn't care to learn about his whole entire biography.

But, at least you answered most of the history related questions. If you had to go through a few history college classes back when you were in college, then you'll be damned if you didn't at least make an effort to learn and internalize them.)

Barnes didn't really show any signs of exhaustion if the casual leg bouncing wasn't enough, but you sure were pooped.

(What? Unlike your dad (and most of the Avengers) you actually had a normal internal clock. For the most part, anyway.)

"Well, as much as I liked talking about prehistoric times," you sounded sarcastic, but you actually did like it, "I gotta sleep, I don't run on super-soldier energy like you do bub."

You stood up, stretched, and saw that Barnes was now standing up as well.

"Should I...?"

Raising an eyebrow, you huffed in good nature, "Go to sleep? Yeah, probably. We're not done with the History101 crash course, and we'll probably be talking about other things tomorrow as well," especially about the fact that you're not gonna be at the safe house often soon, "so we both need the energy for that. So, go clean up and get some Z's, yeah?"

"Oh."

He looked a little lost but followed you back into your shared hallway. Stopping in your doorway, you turned your head to glance at Barnes.

"Good night, Barnes," you nodded, not waiting for a response as you headed into your room. It was quiet and almost inaudible, but you still heard it with your ears before you had closed the door shut.

"... Good night."

You stood in your room, a sudden wave of both exhaustion and dread flooding your body. You shook it off though; it was just the nervous jitters hitting you at an inopportune time.

But really, you trusted your guts almost as much as you trusted Tony.

So as you brushed your teeth and did your business in the bathroom, you tried to quell the anxiety that was building up in your chest.

"DAHLIA, keep an eye on him."

"Gotcha, doll."

You sighed, dropped onto your bed, and hoped that whatever it was that might happen, you'd be prepared for it.

_______

And lo and behold, it didn't even have to be the next morning before shit all hit the fan when DAHLIA wakes you up in the middle of the night (3 A.M., to be specific).

"-oll, wake up! Barnes is having a panic attack!"

It takes half a second to process the fear in DAHLIA's voice. It takes another to process her words.

Fuck.

Scrambling immediately out the bed, you thanked whatever higher being there is that you were sleeping with at least some sweatpants on as you booked it straight to your door and right through Barnes'.

(Maybe you should have joined the football team, because that would have been one wicked tackle. Ha, yeah right, you know nothing about football.)

The lights were on, most likely DAHLIA's doing, and his bedsheets were clearly mussed up. He's nowhere to be seen, so your eyes jump to the joined bathroom door, and lo and behold, there was light bleeding through the cracks.

You quickly approached the door and opened it, throwing away the worry that he might have been absolutely naked.

The good news was that he wasn't nude.

The bad news was that he was hunched over on the ground, right in front of the bathroom counter, and he's gripping his head so tightly you would have thought his skull would have caved in.

Terror shoots down your spine like a lightning bolt, and you immediately rushed to the curled over Barnes, adrenaline rushing through you as a million thoughts ran through your head.

"Barnes!"

He doesn't appear to hear you, groaning and panting as he further curled in on himself. His muscles spasm, hard, and you're at a loss at what to do. He's sickly pale, and the sheen on his skin makes you want to vomit. His panting is shallow, and if you weren't sure if the glint that shone in your eyes was the reflection off of the marble floors or a puddle of saliva coming from Barnes.

You're not sure if touching him right now is a good thing, but you'll be damned if he wasn't your responsibility now. You reach out to him, wrapping one arm around his hunched back and the other trying to pry at his wrists.

(Would you have touched him, if you didn't have the reassurance that DAHLIA has your back?)

(Shut up.)

Maybe you were tensing up for him to go all "Winter Soldier" mode on you, but he's the one that tenses, even more, when you touched him. Thankfully, he doesn't resist your pull as his arm is limp the moment you tried to pull it back, but it doesn't change the fact that he's shaking, badly, and your mind is frozen in limbo.

"DAHLIA, what-"

You're at a loss for words, but DAHLIA, sweet DAHLIA already knows what you were about to ask.

"Sergeant Barnes was displaying elevated levels of anxiety, however, it did not seem to warrant any mentions. I thought-"

She cuts herself off, almost as if she was worried that she had made a wrong call. You swallowed, knowing that despite being a baby A.I., she's never done wrong by you- both in the future and now.

"You thought what?"

You try to rub Barnes' back as if he was a dog that had needed soothing. He groans, but you're not sure if you should interpret that as a hurt groan or a relieved one. You paused and moved your hand away, hovering it just inches away from his back, and his breath hitches.

Your hand dropped onto his back once again, and you could feel the muscles on his muscles spasm a little; his whimpers aren't as loud and painful (though, they're still more than worrying).

So, on the very small bright side, back rubs don't seem to be hurting him either. It's a small win, but a win for sure.

"You- my visuals were clear in the conclusion that you saw it. His discomfort. Your body language and expression acknowledged it but you refrained from addressing it. I- acted under the assumption that it was all under control..."

Something in your mind pauses for a pregnant second before your eyes widened.

"What?"

DAHLIA doesn't even get the chance to reply as Barnes jerks his hands away from yours and pulls at his scalp again. You lurched forward.

"Hey! No!"

You bit back a growl as you grabbed his wrists once again. You yank them back down to his sides as his body jolts, a sob ripping through him. You placed a hand on his chest and tried to boost him back up so he'll have his back against the bathtub that's behind him.

He offers little to no resistance as his back makes contact with the bathtub, but he's slumped into himself. He pulls his knees forward and curls his head into them. For a super-soldier, it's almost cute how hard he's trying to take up as little space as possible if it weren't for the fact that your heart was absolutely breaking at the sight of him.

"Oh, Barnes..."

In shuddered breaths, he mumbles something incoherent.

"...-an't, I- I- I-.... -can't..."

He shakes his head, jolting as if someone had shocked him. You rubbed his arm, glancing down at what you can now confirm to be a puddle of saliva, and then over to the trash can right next to the toilet. You're not too sure if you should get it just in case he decides to vomit, but you're ready to lunge for it the moment Barnes shows any signs of gagging.

"DAHLIA," you spoke at a lower volume, "what- when was he, um, uncomfortable."

"Two nights ago, roughly 22:00, when you told Sargeant Barnes that he was his own free man. Yesterday morning, 08:00, when you asked if he wanted to do anything prior to browsing the available clothing catalog. Right after, he was also discomforted by the catalog, before you offered to buy clothes for him. At-"

"That's- that's enough," you breathlessly muttered. DAHLIA doesn't say anything else, but the air has suddenly become heavier than you remembered.

Your head was almost dizzy with not only how many instances Barnes had been anxious in such a short time, but also at how you remembered each and every instance with startling clarity.

Barnes was anxious at the idea of freedom, but you put it off and opted to just give him a nickel tour of the house.

Barnes was anxious when you asked if he wanted to do anything before looking at clothes, but looked too relieved when you brushed over it.

Barnes was anxious at the idea of shopping for fucking clothes but was okay after you took over for him.

The taste of stomach acid burned your tongue, as yesterday's dinner threaten to rise at the implication of all of this.

"DAHLIA," you mumbled, "the- the rest of those instances- do they..."

You trained your eyes on Barnes.

"Do they all- follow the same... The same- pattern?"

DAHLIA was always in tune with you, even after the time jump.

"... Yes," she lamented.

"God..."

Now, you're not sure who that trash can would be really for; you or Barnes.

"Barnes..."

You murmured quietly. He flinches, and his shaking hasn't gotten any better.

"What- what was it? Was it- was it all too much? God, I'm so sorry, it probably was, wasn't it? I should have- fuck, I should have taken it more slowly, I-"

Barnes shakes his head, stopping you in your rambling. You blinked rapidly.

"Then- was it..." you paused, "... Was it the choices?"

It's almost expected that he doesn't answer you straight away, but he nodded anyway.

"I... It was- it was too much- I couldn't- I don't know- I-"

His breath shuddered with each word as if it hurt him to just even speak right now. You shushed him, ignoring the intrusive thought that it was akin to shushing an animal.

"Hey, hey, it's- it's okay. You'll be okay."

It's not much, what you're saying to him, and it's no surprise that they didn't do much anyway.

Honestly, you didn't know what to say at this point. There didn't even seem to be any phrasing in the known English language that would be able to comfort a man with as much baggage on his shoulders as Barnes, and briefly, just briefly, you wished that you were literally anywhere in the world, but here.

You tried thinking about anything that came from your (albeit limited) interactions with him between the past days that would help ground him, before something jolts you from deep within.

("What are my mission parameters," Barnes asked from behind you.

You paused.

"Mission parameters?")

You didn't even realize that you had said that out loud, but Barnes had tensed up even more before you could even take it back. He held his breath, audibly swallowing.

("You don't need mission parameters, Barnes. You're your own free man. You can- can make decisions on your own. You don't need me to tell you what you need to do.")

("I... Don't understand...")

You spoke on impulse.

"You... You need them, don't you? Mission parameters."

Immediately, you regretted even speaking up just as those words left your mouth.

While every fiber in your being hoped that it wasn't true, there was a small inkling in your head that already knew the answer to your question. It was the only thing that was barely even logical enough to make sense.

His apprehension of making a choice.

How uncomfortable in his own skin he always appeared, despite it even being just a few days.

How relieved he always looks, when the choice was already made for him.

His body tenses underneath your hand, but it's the slight bob of his head that makes your stomach drop. You thought- what a fool you were- you thought he'd be okay without being ordered around, but that was nothing but wishful thinking.

(What was the saying? It's hard to teach an old dog a new trick, was it?)

(Yeah.)

Looking at how only a few days of what you had originally thought was Barnes' newfound freedom turned out to be much more of a nightmare for Barnes, it might just be better for the both of you to push aside your comfortability and start making an honest-to-God investment into Barnes' recovery, even if that means that you had to take a step backward.

A very, very risky step backward.

It was a shot in the dark, but it was the only thing that you could place your bets on for now.

You just hoped that your aim wouldn't fail you now.

"Okay, well... How about this, Barnes, here's your main- your main mission, okay? Become a free man. Hey, no, look at me," you swiveled his head so he could look at you. His eyes were panicked, crazed, and irredeemably sad, but you had to make sure nothing crossed through your face so he'd know that everything will be okay. Your grip on both sides of his face was firm as you pleaded with him.

"Your only 'mission' right now? Breathe," ironically, his breath hitched, "If not for your own sake, then for mine."

You swallowed, heart stuttering as you looked into his glassy eyes.

"Please," you let your desperate prayer lingered in the air.

Maybe it was being given a task to accomplish after days of trying to figure out what to do with his supposed new "freedom", or it was how non-labor intensive and just... simple, his new mission parameter was, but it was almost instantaneous how all of the tension in his body dissipated into thin air.

Witnessing the moment of mercy upon grief through Barnes, no matter how brief or temporary it may be, was almost cathartic.

Almost.

(Perhaps you shouldn't be looking for absolution vicariously. But you were never really a good person, were you?)

_______

A/N: I've read a lot of WinterIron fics. While I have read a lot of interpretations about how Barnes would have reacted when he was freshly freed from HYDRA, this is how I choose to interpret it- one that would best fit the story for now. Next chapter, since I couldn't fit it in this chapter, is a special, but it is very much important and related to the story, and Barnes as a character. If you're familiar with some WinterIron tropes, this won't be too foreign of an idea. Not too sure about other ships/ stories, but. Ah, I'm rambling. Anyways, see you next year lol.

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Masterlist

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Tagged: @unsolvetheheckoutofit @tonystanktheirondad @ludwigvonbaethoven @rspctot7 (if you’re not @/ fabledxmystery, so sorry for the mistag! LMK if it’s not you) @tolkoskott @klanceiscannon14 @deos-life (grr it won’t let me tag you) @kp1183 (kperla1183) @xyuriko-akamine (akabaneyuriko) @kettnerjanea @soldier-42 @daybreakmistakes @spnfanboy777 @crash-zite @jm-cy

#male reader #avengers x reader #avengers x male reader #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x male reader #bucky barnes x reader #restart #reader insert

167 notes · View notes

gallavictorious · 3 years

Note

concerning the ask about Ian bein the eldest child - I wonder how his relationship with Micky would even play out, when he'd have less free time and maybe a more realistic (less romanticized) view on life in general? Like, do you think he would chase after him like he did in the earlier seasons? I don't know, the whole "Ian is the eldest child" is facinating to me

Oh, this is an interesting one! I think there’s two different aspects to consider here: 1, would Ian and Mickey even be interested in one another if Ian were the eldest, and 2, if so, would pursuing a relationship be feasible under these circumstances?

I'll deal with the first issue briefly, and then with the second one at some length. Lots of different parameters to take into account here... This is obviously going to be speculative as hell, and I’m teasing the whole thing out as I type, but let’s see–

As was mentioned in the discussion that promted this ask, it’s difficult to know to what degree Ian’s personality would have been different, had he been born the eldest child – and even harder to know how that would have affected his compatibility with Mickey. He’d probably still would have been tough as well as compassionate, two qualities I believe are key to him being attractive to Mickey, but I’m less certain that Ian would have found Mickey quite as charming if he was already saddled with the responsibility for five younger siblings and a drunken father… ? And maybe Mickey embodying the South Side male in ways that mirror both Terry and Frank (look at their similar choices in clothing) would have been more of a turn off for firstborn!Ian, since he’d be the one who primarily had to deal with consequences of Frank’s many failings? Ian being a bit of a chameleon himself has him being more appreciative of Mickey being so extremely unconcerned about the opinions of others, but he might have been less amused with Mickey’s crudeness if he was dealing with a lot of other shit already? Then again, maybe none of this would have mattered! Maybe Mickey’s directness might be especially refreshing if your life’s generally a huge fucking tangle and you have slippery fuckers Monica and Frank to contend with on a daily basis. And although I think that the fact that canon!Ian often feels a bit invisible and like he's living in Lip's shadow might contribute to him fighting so hard for that connection he feels with Mickey – chasing after him, as you say – it might well be that even if he'd been the eldest, he'd still be seeking that out, because so much of his life and time is dedicated to his siblings and he yearns for something that is only his, only for him.

No easy or immediate answer to this question, though I suspect most of us prefer to think that they’d have liked each other anyway. Heaven knows there are plenty of AU:s built on this assumption.

Oh, and then there’s the whole question of pheromones. Now, obviously that’s not the be-all and end-all on sexual attraction, but given how very quickly Ian and Mickey go from trying beat the creap out of each other to eagerly fucking, and how Ian is very clear about liking the way Mickey smells, I think it’s fair to say that chemical compatibility is a pretty big factor in them first getting together. (It sure as hell isn’t the only one, but still.) With that in mind, I may or may not have had my partner, who’s a clinical research biologist, look into the epigenetic properties of pheromones (i.e. to find out if how you grow up might affect your natural body musk to the point where you’d be chemically attractive to other people than you are now). It’s not entirely clear and – predictably – the research done on what part pheromones play in sexual attraction among humans has been primarily focused on attraction in heterosexual people, but it seems that conditions in the womb and external factors in childhood (as well as changes later in life, such going on the pill, being stressed or having a disease) would affect your smell. However, we can’t readily know if and to what degree just being born first and having to take on the responsibilities of being the oldest sibling would affect Ian’s musk, and if it would decrease how attractive he is to Mickey (that it would increase it seems an impossibility because these two are already so insanely, stupidly horny for one another).

Okay. Having tentatively concluded that we can’t know for sure whether or not Ian and Mickey would still be into each other had Ian been born first (and hence not been quite the same person), let’s recklessly assume that they would, and turn to far more intriguing discussion of how their relationship would actually play out.

Do we imagine that Ian is a few years older than Mickey then, the same age as Fiona would have been at the start of canon? Maybe it doesn't matter much – it's not a huge difference, but to be honest I feel a little ickey about it since Ian would be an adult and Mickey still a teenager (and not a particularly well-adjusted and healthy one at that). Hmm. Either way, I can see them getting together in much the same way, with Ian doing something nice for Mandy – intervening when she's harassed at the local store, maybe, sparking a little hero crush on her part – and that whole thing going down more or less as it does in canon. But if it does, and Mickey and his goons beats up Ian's younger brother Lip in Ian's stead, I think eldest child!Ian might be really, really pissed and out for blood? Which gives him a nice incentive to go look for Mickey, even if Kash is not part of this picture (and I think that he's probably not). So far, so good... but if Ian's this much older than Mickey – four years? – Ian will already have started to fill out, right, turning all tall and buff, and Mickey might not have such an easy time overwhelming him. Then again, that might not necessarily serve as a deterrent to Mickey at all, so the end result is probably still the same, surprise sex fuelled by adrenaline, pheromones and general compatibility.

But... then what? To be honest, I think it'd be very difficult to make it work under these circumstances. If Ian is older than Mickey, Mickey might well have a much harder time feeling safe with him, just because he might feel like he doesn't have the upper hand in the relationship – and in the beginning I think it was VERY important for Mickey to feel like he had control and was calling the shots on when and how they met up. Four or five years is not a big difference at all later in life, but if you're 16 and your lover is 21 (or thereabouts, I'm still not super clear on the timeline, but ballpark) and they're also used to running an entire household and therefore accustomed to being in charge... I don't see this working for Mickey, not enough so that he dares let his guard down to the point required for their relationship to develop.

As for Ian, I think he'd have far less patience with Mickey's standoffishness and unwillingness to committ or even admit that they have anything beyond sex. Ian wouldn't have the time or energy or disposition to deal with that, not on top of everything else, and furthermore, it seems like it'd be very hard to keep his clandestine meeetings with Mickey secret when he's the lynchpin of the family, always taking calls and dealing with sudden emergencies. To make it properly work with Fiona, JimmySteve has to more or less move in more or less immediately and adjust his life to fit with her chaos; it'd arguably be the same for Ian, yeah? Don't really see the still very much closeted (and terrified) Mickey actually doing that – moving in, helping out with the kids and what-not. (One could also hope that Ian realizes that pursuing a relationship with a still underage Mickey would be inappropriate and calls it off for those reasons.)

So, realistically, if there's an age difference and they meet at the same time as they do in canon, I think there might be a few hook-ups, but it would fall apart rather soon, in spite of their very strong attraction. But! Maybe in a few years, when Mickey's older and the age difference less meaningful, and Mickey's had the chance to become a little more accepting of himself and his orientation, and Ian's siblings are just a little bit older so that Ian can take some more time for himself... maybe then they could run into each other again and that old spark roar back into life and they take it from there? It'd still be an uphill struggle, of course, but they've dealt with those before and always – eventually – come out on top. The whole Svetlana thing never happened, Mickey is fully on his way to coming into his own at the king of the South Side, Ian is trying to figure out who he is outside of the Big Brother, maybe Mickey is out, maybe he's not, maybe Terry is gone, maybe he's not... If one is so inclined, I think there's some fun to be had with this idea. I am, however, more partial to another:

Say that Ian's still born when he was born, so still a couple of years (according to the forms they fill out when applying for a marriage license) younger than Mickey. Maybe then, even in spite of his added burdens and responsibilities, he'd still be naive and soft enough to have a bit more patience for bad boy Mickey? It'd be before Monica ran out on them, so maybe there are still times (few and far between) when Ian doesn't have to take full responsibility for his siblings; times when he can pursue what he wants instead. And Mickey would feel more in control and safer dealing with babyface!Ian, so maybe he'd dare a bit more?

Maybe he starts hanging out at the Gallagher house after that first fuck, for a chance to be near Ian. The rest of the siblings would be young enough that he feels confident (although perhaps mistakenly) that they'll not pick up on what's going on, so as long as Frank and Monica are out (or out of it), Mickey's happy to come around. Hang out, fuck whenever they can, maybe even help out a tiny little bit when Ian makes him, and in spite of his best efforts and intentions he gets more and more pulled into Ian's life. This, I think, could potentially work, although I expect the same sort of up and downs as we get in canon. Mickey probaby won't get shot by Kash (because I think eldest child!Ian would be a little less susceptible to his ”charms”), but Frank could still – very easily – walk in on them. It would get overwhelming at times and Mickey would push Ian away and flee; Ian would get impatient with Mickey's insistence on distance and NO EMOTIONS ONLY SEX (more so than he is in canon, I think) and tell him to shape up or fuck off. It'd be volatile for sure, but in the end I think they'd always return to each other, adapt and try a little bit harder to make it work. Pull's just to strong, you know? Maybe it'd even happen faster than in canon, if Mickey isn't sent to juvie that first time, and if they have more opportunities to spend time together doing stuff other than fucking (ie just hanging out at the Gallagher house under the pretext that Mickey's just a friend, which Mickey would allow, thinking the younger siblings clueless). Really wouldn't mind reading this fic, you know, though I'd mourn Ian's relationship with Lip in this alternative reality. (Like, there’s SO MUCH potential! Maybe Mickey lures Frank and Monica away on a drug weekend just so he can stay at the house with Ian, even if it does mean having the help out with the little ones! I can see angry teenage Mickey being made to help Debbie with her math homework! Feed baby Liam! Supposed to stop tiny Carl from doing horrible stuff but ending up helping him instead! Ian is not amused! I want it!)

So, uh. That's my speculative take on this, for now. Very open to being swayed by other people's opinions, though, so I'd love to hear them, or whatever additional thoughs you might have.

Thank you so much for the ask: I had a lot of fun thinking about this, and hope that you found somet sort of satisfaction in my long-winded ramblings. <3 Also, I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you! As I've noted before, I'm unreliable (and sometimes busy).

#gallavich #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #meta #season 1 #kinda #asks

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not-close-to-straight · 4 years

Text

Lost and Found (Fifteen)

Tony planning for the inevitable and finally finding some answers. *cue the music and make it pearl clutchingly dramatic*. I have about a thousand reasons why I love this chapter, but I’ll put those in the notes at the bottom!

Super brief mention of past drug use in this one, as well as verse typical anxiety/mania

MASTERLIST

****************

64%

“JARVIS.” Tony tossed the monitor into the desk drawer and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Where’d we get with the facial recognition program for James with the addition of the Pierce angle?”

“Nowhere at all, sir.”

“Right. Right I knew that.” Tony did know that, he remembered having this discussion yesterday-- the day before?-- and being just as frustrated as he was right now. “Okay listen, scrap that search and start another.”

“Parameters?”

“Narrow it down to the Tri-State area, specifically Brooklyn.” Dum-E beeped over with one of his shakes in a horrifying seventy-two ounce amount, and Tony sighed and patted the robot in a fond-if-not-begrudging thank you. “Get out of the military branches and start searching for family members. I’m not looking for James anymore, I’m looking for someone related to James. Next of kin, anything like that.”

“Yes sir.”

“Expand it outside of male, let’s find a sister, maybe his mom.” Tony unscrewed the lid and gulped at the horrible stuff. “I’d settle for a cousin and a long lost Auntie. Dial back the points on the recognition software so it’s not quite so specific. Sometimes siblings look a lot alike, sometimes they don’t. If it’s a half sibling, they might only share a common nose or both got Dad’s unfortunate ears.”

“You consider James’s ears unfortunate, sir?”

“Nothing about that man is unfortunate.”

JARVIS did one of those purposefully long silences followed by an almost impatient sounding click, and Tony smiled. He’d done the right thing modeling the AI after the unflappably loyal butler/driver/body guard that had been his constant childhood companion. The real Jarvis would have responded exactly the same-- a purposefully long silence, and then a click of his tongue before changing the subject and suddenly Tony missed the old butler enough to make his chest hurt.

“Run program for James and while you’re at it, look up Edwin Jarvis relatives and let me know if they’re doing okay. If he’s got a direct grandkid going to college or something, let’s make it happen. Pretty sure Jarvis is the only reason I survived long enough to make it to college, least I could do is return the favor.”

“Yes sir.”

“Thank you.” Tony drummed his fingers on the desk absentmindedly. “Did we ever get bank accounts created for James?”

“Ms. Potts saw to their creation when you first arrived back in Malibu from D.C.”

“Run the Ghost Protocol file list and double check everything.” Tony held up his hand towards Dum-E and the robot rushed forward to bump into him affectionately, nearly pushing Tony right out of chair. “How are you simultaneously the worst robot and funniest dog in the world?” he asked the machine and Dum-E only beeped and waved at him. “Right. My fault cos I programmed you. What was I thinking?”

“Ghost Protocol file list ready, sir.”

“Set up recurring payments into James’s account from one of my trust funds.” Tony instructed. “I don’t care which fund it comes from, just make it irrevocable. We also need to make sure he’s on the company insurance plan so he has access to our doctors.”

“Of course.”

“Did we give Happy a raise?” Tony grit his teeth and took another drink. “What about his pension plan? Is it set up okay?”

“Both Mr. Hogan and Ms. Potts have a pension plan even the president would be jealous of.”

“That’s good.” Tony smiled again. “No, that’s-- that’s good. I want to make sure they’re taken care of. Rhodey too? What about Mama Rhodes, have we been keeping up on her money in case anything happens to him?”

“Within the files of Ghost Protocol, you have taken the necessary steps to ensure each of your loved ones are well taken care of in the event of anything catastrophic.”

“I won’t let this be catastrophic.” Tony muttered grimly, pushing at the reactor where it sat heavy in his chest. “I’m not going to let this thing be catastrophic.”

“And how do you plan to do ensure that, sir?”

“You let me worry about that.” He pulled up the specs of James’s new arm so he had something to look at while drinking the green sludge. “Close Ghost Protocol. Open new file. Have you been running continuous diagnostics on James’s arm?”

“Honestly, sometimes I think you doubt the abilities you hand coded into my system.”

“Right yeah that’s--” Tony scrubbed at his face wearily. “Of course you’re on it. Wish I could write you a retirement plan, J. You deserve something good after all this. Maybe I’ll download you into NASA, wouldn’t that be fun? Controlling space ships and all that sort of thing?”

“The only reason for me to go to space would be to guide you on your way, sir and it would be an honor to do so.”

“...Thanks, J.”

************

Tony didn’t mean to fall asleep on the desk. It was certainly the least comfortable spot he’d fallen asleep at recently, the cold metal was no match for James’s arms or even the solid line of the soldier’s chest. His neck would hurt when he woke up, his back would twinge from being slumped over in the chair and his face would no doubt have unattractive creases from his shirt sleeve but Tony fell asleep all the same.

He was exhausted. Always always exhausted. The whirlwind round of sight seeing he’d done with James over the last week or so had been physically as well as mentally taxing, the nagging feeling that he was ignoring more important things like world peace and suit upgrades was wearing on his mind. The numbers on the monitor certainly didn’t help anything and neither did the increasingly often, increasingly intense rounds of...of making love...

...there it was. No other word for it. Far past hooking up, far past just sex. The way they moved together was making love, the way James held him close and gasped his name was making love. The way Tony felt afterwards when James pressed soft kisses to his scars and he did the same to the mottled skin where prosthesis met flesh…

Christ, Tony hadn’t known it would ever be like this.

He hadn’t known it could be like this.

Twenty five years Tony had been waiting to find the courage to even try and now every step forward with James was a step closer to running out of time.

So he slept, hunched over and uncomfortable and exhausted on the desk in the lab because all the best things he’d been doing lately were more than likely killing him faster.

C’est la vie.

Que sera, sera.

It was quiet in the house.

James was out with Happy cos somehow the ex soldier and driver/bodyguard had struck up something of a friendship that revolved around food and Happy cheating at mini golf. James had tipped Tony’s chin up and smiled down at him before leaving, “I could ditch Happy and you and me could go get lost together, sugar.” and Tony had wrapped his hand around the immovable left wrist and forced back a plea to stay and joked instead, “Getting lost with you sounds fun, but you do not want Happy coming after you with a putt-putt nine iron for standing him up.”

James’s goodbye kiss had been soft and sweet and packed full of promises Tony desperately wished he would have time to cash in on, but even as he waved his soldier and Happy down the driveway, the kiss faded from his lips and just left him cold. He was getting worse and he knew it, if the numbers on the monitor didn’t prove it, the increasing fatigue and bone deep pain certainly did. God Tony would love to get lost with James and see all the things they could find together, but he had things to check off his list before it was too late and that’s why he was in the lab alone working on the Ghost Protocol.

He had to finish before it was too late.

Besides, the quiet was sort of nice.

Pepper was out doing whatever she did that made sure Stark Industries didn’t collapse, being powerful and beautiful and so much more competent than Tony had ever been simply because she cared. Tony knew what they were saying about Pepper, about how she wasn’t qualified to run Stark Industries and how there could only be one reason why she got the job... and yes, there was only one reason why Pepper got the job. She was the only person in the entire world Tony knew could do it perfectly.

Plus, she deserved it. Pepper deserved the company and all the money and prestige that came along with it because she had helped carry him through some of the darkest moments possible and that was something Tony could never repay her for.

Just like he could never repay Rhodey, who was off being the world’s greatest hero, or Happy who had been Tony’s confidant on many many drunken nights when all his walls came down and he sobbed his heartbreak out all over the backseat of the limo.

Tony couldn’t repay the people he loved so much, but he could make sure they were okay after he was gone and that’s what Ghost Protocol was all about.

So Tony drifted while the world went on around him, dozed in the quiet while JARVIS uploaded the most recent design changes to what would be Rhodey’s suit while simultaneously running programs to see if there was any hope of finding even a distant relative of James so he wouldn’t be left alone.

Tony didn’t want James to ever be alone, not again, not after they’d found--

*beep beep*

“JARVIS.” Tony's head jerked up, mind skittering and scrambling trying to land on exactly what the noise meant. There were so many noises and alarms set in his lab. Was a project done? Was it time to check his blood? To take another drink? What was he supposed to be doing?

It felt like the times he’d done coke in his college days, where everyone else swore the drug focused them but all it did to Tony’s already high functioning mind was crash and burn and scatter his most basic thought processes. It was like a train wreck and Tony was wavering between tired enough to pass out and edging towards manic with the need to keep going keep going keep going and it just wasn’t working.

“What is that--that is-- we are--the noise--- fuck!” Tony crashed his hand down on the desk and swore out loud. “Damn it, JARVIS. Please tell me what’s going on. I can’t--” he forced out a breath. “I can’t do it. Help me.”

“Allow me, sir.” JARVIS interrupted smoothly, and Tony rubbed at his eyes in frustration because he just couldn’t concentrate. “It would seem we have found a match within our search for James’s identity.”

“Wait.” That certainly brought his mind into laser sharp focus. “What? Already?”

“Apparently the new parameters proved far more fruitful than our original endeavors.”

A picture popped up on the fold down screen of a young man with glasses, a neatly trimmed beard and a pair of unmistakably piercing, pale eyes that were all the more startling against his olive skin.

“Oh my god.” Tony zoomed in on the picture, stared deep into the same gaze he saw every morning. “Find a lineage. Mom, Dad, I don’t care. Trace it until we find James.”

“Searching, sir.”

*ping* “Last name Adams, first name Scott. Maternal name leads to a divorce, maiden name Proctor.”

“Proctor.” Tony repeated. “Switch to a new screen and search under Scott Proctor. He looks the right age to be James’s brother or cousin.”

*ping* “Proctor, Scott, age twenty seven. Maternal line leads to Ramon, paternal line continues Proctor.”

“Continue searching Proctor, we should be getting close.” Tony’s skin was nearly crawling with anticipation, his mind stuttering as it leapt from fact to conclusion, fact to conclusion. Finding someone who was so clearly related to James-- no way those eyes belonged to anyone else-- and was the right age to only be a sibling or a cousin. They were getting close.

This was good, this was good because now there would be family, someone to help James after Tony was gone, someone to soften the blow of loss.

--if it was loss, that is. If James considered not having Tony anymore to be a loss and Tony wasn’t-- he wasn’t entirely sure. Yes, he’d gotten to the point where he couldn’t kid himself about his own feelings anymore. And yes, he and James had been working on being vulnerable and being open but Tony knew he’d never be vulnerable and open enough to ask for love.

Not-- not love. Not for him. Not after only a few months, not when asking for love when James barely knew himself would almost be cruel, not when Tony would always wonder if James would say yes because it was true or because he knew something was wrong with Tony and figured he wouldn’t have to make good on that particular promise.

No, not love. Tony couldn’t ask for that.

He wasn’t brave enough for that.

And he knew James knew something was wrong and that Tony was lying every time he said “It’s okay.” James knew he was lying just like Pepper and Rhodey and Happy knew he was lying but that was okay. It was. Tony wasn’t going to let goodbye be awful for them, wasn’t going to let it be catastrophic, so he would keep right on lying and right on not asking for love up until everyone figured out the real truth.

I won’t let this be catastrophic.

*ping* “Proctor, James--”

“Holy shit, here we go.”

“-- deceased. Passed away of natural causes in 1991, survived by his ex wife and his son, Scott Proctor.”

“What?” Tony frowned and shook his head. “No, that’s not right. Okay, James isn’t immediate family with the Proctors. Keep expanding the search but keep them up on this screen, there has to be something here. No way that kid looks so much like James for no good reason.”

*ping* Proctor James, child of Rebecca P. Proctor nee Barnes, deceased--”

“--that’s going back too far, J. I need something from this century please.”

“--1964, survived by her son James and an unnamed daughter, grandson Scott Proctor. Also of note--”

“J, this is a waste of time!” Tony threw up his hands in exasperation. “I don’t want to hear about people who died before I was born! I said expand the search not deepen the search! Maybe it’s an adoption or a couple divorces down the line but please keep it with in the last forty years, I need something concrete! I need something real! James can’t be left alone after I--”

“--Rebecca Proctor Barnes was ALSO assumed survived by her brother, former Sergeant in the United States Army James Buchanan Barnes, who went missing in action--”

“-- in March of 1945 after he fell off a Hydra owned train while on a mission with Captain Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America. Sergeant Barnes is the only one of the Howling Commandos to not return home at the end of the war and is listed as missing, presumed killed in action.”

Tony recited the fact before he caught himself, the information rattling off his tongue like it had done so many times before when he’d visited the Smithsonian as a kid and learned all about the Howling Commandos and Captain America and the intrepid...Sergeant… Barnes…

...too late, Tony’s mind finally caught up, crashed into a wall of facts and splintered into an unbelievable realization.

No no no.

“J?” No. “A picture of Sergeant Barnes please?”

An enlistment photo of mid twenties James Buchanan Barnes, blue eyes and dark hair and the hint of a devilish smirk that promised the soon to be Sergeant was going to change the world.

“Christ.” Tony’s mouth went dry, his fingers white on the table. “And-- and up against a picture of James?”

Another photo, one from the redwoods where Tony had caught James looking up at the trees in awe. The soldier had turned at the last minute to stare into the camera, striking blue eyes and shoulder length dark hair and the hint of a devilish smirk that promised he was going to change Tony’s world.

No.

It wasn’t possible.

“The footage from my racing helmet in Monaco. Give me anything from the dash cam as well and from the suit. CC TV, anything possible. Compile it all, now.”

It came in pieces as JARVIS tapped the Grand Prix security footage, as he searched the vault of Iron Man helmet recordings and the downloaded information from the car’s camera and each image went up besides the photo of Sergeant Barnes for comparison.

-- James vaulting the twelve foot fence like it was nothing and denting the concrete when he landed.

--James racing down the road almost too fast to be tracked as he ran to save Tony.

--James taking the brunt of Vanko’s rage and pushing Tony behind him.

--James taking an electrified whip to his left arm and shaking with the pain.

--James grabbing the whip with his right hand and yanking Vanko towards him for a nose shattering punch.

--James later in the crowd with no marks or scars or burns to be seen.

James.

Sergeant Barnes.

Bucky.

“Search my Dad’s files, anything I’ve uploaded, all the server dumps I did when we moved the last of it from the New York apartment.”

For the first time in months, Tony’s mind was operating at lightning speed, data snapping together click click click even if he couldn’t quite comprehend it all yet. Almost manic, almost overwhelming but he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, had to know everything right now.

“I want everything about Project Rebirth, everything about the illegal mission Dad flew to Azzano to drop Big Blonde and Stupid off behind enemy lines. Everything.”

“Downloading, sir.”

Page after page flitted across the screens, the official reports of Project Rebirth, the confidential mostly redacted pages and the un official reports of anyone gathered that fateful day Steven Grant Rogers went from a scrawny Brooklyn punk to the red white and gorgeous hunk of patriotism they turned him into.

Official reports of the Azzano rescue detailing soldiers lost and wounded, the number returned home, how many days it had taken to bring them back. A furious letter from Colonel Phillips about the sheer disrespect of the man in tights had shown him and the Army in general.

A note from Auntie Peggy about how it had been entirely her fault to steal the plane and not Stark’s no matter how he bragged, and honestly how could she expected to say no to someone with a smile like Captain Rogers?

Howard’s admission of guilt for helping take the plane and dropping the Captain off behind enemy lines and yes, he’d tried to also take the plane somewhere to get fondue.

The unofficial report of Azzano written in Captain Rogers’ own hand about how he’d found Sergeant Barnes strapped down to a table in a rudimentary lab. About the empty vials and the puncture marks in Bucky’s skin. How he was positive Sergeant Barnes had snapped a rifle in half in his hands but in the heat of the moment he couldn't be sure, he highly recommended they run additional tests to see if the Sergeant had been injected with anything. Johann Schmidt had access to the super soldier serum, was there any possible they were using a version to experiment on prisoners of war...?

“Jesus.”

It was too much information.

Mission dossiers, the incredible feats the Commandos had accomplished with Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes leading them into battle. Victories attributed to the super soldier serum that made Steve Rogers Captain America, but at second glance maybe it wasn’t just Captain America.

The Sergeant racked up an incredible amount of kills-- sniper shots made with nothing more than a simple rifle that professional snipers today had trouble matching. Hand to hand combat where he was bested only by the Captain. The ability to seemingly go for days without rest and that’s why the Commandos were an unstoppable force. Who needed sleep? Not Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers apparently.

Too much information.

The fateful fall from the Schnellzug EB912 train and how Captain Rogers had searched for days for a sign of Bucky only to find nothing but blood and drag marks. Then the Valkyrie had gone under and the world had moved on…

….and somehow Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes had ended up in a diner in Washington D.C. eating breakfast on the same day Tony had been mid-nervous breakdown.

Click click click.

Too much information.

Monaco. The bruises James left even when he was careful. The way the metal arm had been calibrated to some insane number to match strength with the other one. The old timey music and dancing. The Brooklyn accent. The quick shift to violent and the lightning fast reflexes. The way James had to catalogue everything in a room before he could breathe. The PTSD and memory issues.

“James said Iron Man wasn’t the weirdest thing he’d ever seen.” Tony whispered woodenly. “No shit, his best friend was Captain America”

Click click click.

Too much information.

Tony had seen so many little pieces that he’d missed the whole picture, he’d been so overwhelmed by the unimportant details like being called sweet thing that he never remembered to care about James not knowing even basic history or understanding every day things that wouldn’t have been affected by trauma induced amnesia.

“JARVIS.” Tony had memorized his Dad’s notes long ago. As a child he’d been angry Howard focused so much on the near mythical Captain Rogers and tragic Sergeant Barnes. As a teenager, Tony had studied and focused on the stories as well just so he had something to talk to Howard about. After graduating college, he’d packed everything away in storage and hadn’t thought about it again because if summe cum laude didn’t make Howard proud, nothing would.

And then December 1991 had happened and Tony stopped thinking about anything other than his next drink for a long long time.

But now it was all coming back.

Click click click.

Too much information.

“JARVIS. In the files of Howard’s journals there are some notes from the early seventies. He was chasing down a theory that made sure he wasn’t at the hospital the day I was born. Someone died, some Prince from Saudi, not the royal family but someone lower. It was a quiet kill, didn’t make the newspapers but Dad had piles of notes about it for some reason. Find those.”

“Searching, sir.”

Tony drained the last of the smoothie, then leaned his head back down on the cool table and tried to corral his thoughts. There was something something something right there at the back of his mind, something he wasn’t putting together. There was too much information and he was too exhausted to process it, a year ago he’d have this done already but today he was moving slow and taking more time, and good God was this what normal people felt their whole lives? Slow and tired and unable to focus on a single thing at a time?

“J?” Something else peeking through the fog of weariness and the sting of growing shock Tony was trying and failing to keep away. Now was not the time to break down, not when he was so close to answers, not when he was about to find out something big, he knew it was going to be something big--

--and it would ruin James’s life but then again maybe it wouldn’t, maybe this would be the perfect thing to do, if Tony was out the picture but there was someone else there to walk James--Bucky-- Sergeant Barnes--through it all.

“J, my Auntie Peggy’s notes from around the same time when she was stationed at Lehigh. There was a thing--” he snapped his fingers impatiently. “--A thing about how it had been twenty five years since Captain Rogers went into the ice and then a thing about how they’d re-doubled their efforts searching for him and while they were at it, they looked back into the information about Sergeant Barnes for some reason. Find those.”

“Found, sir. Shall I read them to you?” JARVIS didn’t wait for answer, the AI’s systems registering Tony’s alarmingly raised vitals and clear frustration. “As per Ms. Carter’s personal writings, dated April 7, 1970.”

“When we lost Sgt Barnes off the train, we told the world he was missing presumed killed in action, but among ourselves and those who had been at Azzano, it was widely accepted that if he hadn’t died, Stg Barnes had been taken by Hydra’s men to continue whatever they had done to him at Azzano. Captain Rogers always worried there was a spy among us, not in the Commandos itself but among the ranks of the very beginning of SHIELD and the seemingly instant disappearance of the Sgt lends itself to the fact that someone knew the Commandos were coming, knew where they would be, and were poised and in place to take prisoners.”

“Yeah, I know all that.” Tony pinched the bridge of his nose and pursed his lips. “Keep going. Past that.”

“There have been rumours of a master assassin in Eastern Europe, though we have yet to find evidence of him here in the West. Reports come in of superhuman speed and reflexes, the bearing of a soldier but movement like a ghost and shining silver in the light as if he is half man, half robot. They call him the Winter Soldier and Howard is afraid--”

“It’s Captain Rogers.” Tony finished, because he did know all this. He remembered finding these notes when he was fourteen and taking them to Howard and Maria to ask if Captain America had really escaped the ice and gone on to be a master assassin. Howard had got up and left the room, Maria had only smiled sadly and taken the journal away and nothing else had ever been said. “Dad was afraid it was Captain Rogers exacting some sort of over patriotic brand of super soldier revenge. Keep reading.”

“However, I am afraid the answer may be worse than we feared. I am sure Captain Rogers went into the ice and never made it home, a fella wouldn’t stand me up for a dance for no good reason.”

“Jesus, Auntie.” Tony closed his eyes tight, heart breaking for his sweet Auntie who had loved exactly one man her entire life.

“I am afraid we are looking at the newest generation of super soldiers, a project taken from Schmidt’s attempts at the serum and handed over to the wrong people, perhaps the same work done on Sgt Barnes at Azzano and maybe even perfected if Hydra managed to take him again after the train. I cannot fathom the horror of a soldier changed into a monster and used for unspeakable deeds, but I suppose our work with Captain Rogers looks the same to the other side-- an innocent boy turned into a killing machine. The prospect is much scarier when it is we who are unprepared and facing a super-human we have no hope of stopping.”

“Howard has been given the task of recreating the super soldier serum we used on Captain Rogers, but it has been twenty five years since we lost the original formula so he will have to start from scratch. It may well take another twenty years to finalize it and I’m not sure if we should even try. The sins of the war should stay buried where they lay in the ground, and beneath the ice.”

“Half man, half robot.” Tony’s gaze cut over to the schematics for the new arm he’d built James. “This cannot be happening. How did I not put this together?”

“To be fair, sir. No one could have possibly drawn a connection between a soldier of legend in American history from seventy years ago, to a few shadowy accounts of an assassin detailed in Ms. Carter’s notes over forty years ago, to a modern day former soldier. Even if your most alert form, there is no possible way to have achieved this conclusion.”

“This cannot be happening.” Tony ignored JARVIS’s well meaning and entirely correct comfort and asked, “Alright, if Sergeant Barnes really was taken by Hydra again and used as an assassin for decades, how would they have accomplished that? The super serum slowed down aging by the process of speeding up healing, but seventy years would age anyone. James doesn’t look more than a couple of years older than his enlistment photo.”

“Cryogenic freeze, perhaps?” Several articles pulled up and across Tony’s screens. “Scientists have been aware of the process since the eighteen hundreds, and it is not a stretch to assume the same scientists that could create a super human could also master ways with which to preserve the specimen.”

“The specimen.” Tony muttered. “Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Alright, cryo-freeze. Fine. If I can believe in a tiny kid from Brooklyn lifting motorcycles over his head while wearing tights and punching out Adolf, I can get on board with cryo freeze. But after the war, Hydra was dismantled. We took the best scientists and killed everyone else. Who would have the money and power necessary to not only keep a super soldier on ice undetected, but also to thaw him out and unleash him on the world every so often?”

Later, later Tony would be sick to his stomach thinking about what James might have gone through at the hands of some insane Nazi scientist. Later he would deal with the head splitting migraine because out of all the things he knew, he never thought he’d ever know a century old super soldier who didn’t remember anything other than his name. Later Tony would break down and let himself cry because the closest thing he’d ever found to love wasn’t meant for him at all, a resurrected and re-found American Hero and long term Prisoner of War Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes wasn’t meant for him.

Tony would do that later.

Right now he needed know only one thing-- “Who, J?”

“Ms. Carter feared a spy in the organization that became SHIELD. Perhaps you should start there.”

-- and then he needed to make a call.

******************

Ring-ring.

Tony’s heart sank even as he listened to the waiting tone. He’d been hoping to find someone for James, but he hadn’t thought it would be this soon. He hadn’t thought it would be someone so perfect for James that Tony’s inevitable leaving wouldn’t even register with the soldier.

He hadn’t wanted good-bye to be catastrophic, but he knew when the phone picked up and the call connected that this was only the first step in James moving on from him completely. A couple months was nothing in the face of years of history, shared trauma nothing in the path of entwined lives.

He hadn’t wanted good-bye to be catastrophic, but hell Tony had thought he’d have more time before he broke his own heart trying to do the right thing.

Ring-ring.

And this was the right thing. It was the right thing. For James and for everyone else involved. Tony couldn’t in good conscience hide what he knew, he couldn’t even store it away for later after he’d had just a little more time with James because what if later was too late?

What if his numbers climbed too high, too fast and he never made it to later and good-bye came without James knowing?

This was the right thing to do, the first step in Ghost Protocol and really the most important step because Tony knew Happy and Rhodey and Pepper would be okay with out him and now he knew James would be okay.

It was the right thing to do, the first step in the Protocol Tony had began working on the day he came home from Afghanistan so why did it feel like it was the first step off a cliff?

Ring-ring.

I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do--

Ring-ring-click.

“Hello.”

“Director Fury.” Tony closed his eyes tight and forced himself to breathe. “This is Tony Stark.”

“Well well well, it’s not every day I get a billionaire calling my personal cell phone number that is in no way available without some high tech and definitely illegal hacking of sealed files. What can I do for you Mr. Stark?”

“...You know that thing that you think you’re keeping secret, but I definitely have been aware of since you pulled it from the ice three years ago?”

“Nope. No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Right, because you’ve got entire libraries full of secrets, I guess I’ll have to be a little more specific.” Tony pried his eyes open so he could look up at the picture of Sergeant Barnes and Captain Steve Rogers on his screens, the famous one the Smithsonian always kept up at their Howling Commandos display. “Let’s talk about Project Resurrection. I’d like to meet the star of the show.”

“Absolutely not. Not an option.”

“Director Fury, I want to meet him.” Tony set his jaw and straightened his shoulders and let a layer of that Stark iron harden his voice. “And based on the lack of surprise in your voice, I’m assuming you know what this is about and we can talk later about how tired I am of people keeping secrets from me.”

Something bitter like betrayal in the back of Tony’s throat-- would he ever get used to people keeping things from him? How long had Fury known about James?

“So Director Fury, this will be the only time I ask nicely. I want to meet him.”

Silence.

“...How soon can you get to D.C.?”

**************************

Chapter Notes:

I really really love Tony’s mind set here. He is all over the place and unable to concentrate but still, his priorities are fully in line-- taking care of the people he loves and still trying to find answers for James and when he finds those answers, he forces himself to do the right thing.

The picture J brings up of Scott Proctor is actually a reference to that one tumblr post about how Michael Pena (Luis, Ant Man) sort of looks like Seb Stan in some pictures? Like if Luis was Rebecca Barnes’s grandson? I can’t find the exact post but look HERE and HERE and I love the similarities so much!

If you’ve read my ‘Time Falls Away’ time travel series, you might recognize some of the conspiracy theories in this chapter! And ever since writing that fic I always want Auntie Peggy Carter to save the day for Tony. Love her.

April 7, 1970 is the day Stony goes to Lehigh in Endgame.

SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHAPTER!

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#ncts fics #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes #nick fury

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arabhamlet · 4 years

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why you should read the heartless divine

hello guys! i haven’t used tumblr in a while, so i hope i tag this correctly, but i really needed to write this post to promote a book i think many, many people will enjoy reading for a number of reasons, and i figured i should give it a shot.

the heartless divine is varsha ravi’s debut novel, self-published last november through amazon. it is a ya fantasy romance inspired by mythology and sangam era india, and you can purchase it as an ebook or as a physical copy on amazon.

i 100% recommend it to anyone who enjoys mythology, reincarnation/soulmates, tragic but tender star-crossed romance (and not in a generic ya way either), or just anything with complex plot, character, and relationships—which, i realize, basically means everyone, but in my defence it is really good and worth a read no matter who you are.

what’s it about?

the heartless divine follows two paralleling narratives. the first is set in the distant past, and follows suri, a princess forced into being an assassin by her warlike family, as she is betrothed to the boy king of a neighbouring land after being assigned the task to kill him once the wedding is complete, only to find her plans going off-kilter when she encounters kiran, a strange prophet who predicts his own incoming death and the catastrophe soon to occur. the second is set in modern-day, and follows a reincarnated suri, with no memories of her past life, who finds her life inexplicably tied to a changed kiran, who she does not remember but who remembers her.

the plot is a bit more complex than this, and this is really just a quick summary, but more than that it’s a story about humans and our relationships to each other, to mortality, and to fate.

i highly recommend it - it can be a little slow to start off with, but once the historical plot starts going i found it pretty much impossible to put down. even though it’s been a few months since i read it, i find myself going back to it pretty much constantly. it’s fantastic both as a ya novel to read for fun, and as something far more complex with so many themes, characters, and dynamics to unpack.

but if you need a bit more encouragement:

why should i read it?

as i mentioned, the plot is incredibly engaging. unlike a lot of ya, as well, the heartless divine is super character-based and has incredibly strong characters in its protagonists. the past storyline also has a running mystery - and the reveal at the end as to who is the real villain definitely caught me off-guard on my first read. the past storyline is also deeply tragic in many ways, hitting you emotionally to great effect, and the climax is absolutely one of the most impactful climaxes of any ya book i’ve ever read—i’m making an effort not to spoil anything while writing this, because the pure emotional punch of the climax should be read completely blind.

ravi’s writing is absolutely gorgeous. she has an incredible command over the written word and wrote some incredibly amazing prose in this book. her writing is at once poetic and also incredibly versatile, fitting into beautiful romantic declarations and sharp dialogue and tense scenes of conflict. i won’t include any massive chunks, but here are some of my favourite lines:

Where does the divinity go, then? he had asked her. She had shrugged. To the sky. That is where all divinity goes after it is dead. But the sky was too far away, and there was not enough left of him, divine or not, to guarantee safe passage on a trip so long.

She had always been afraid of hope, in the same way she figured most people were afraid of black holes. Desire was something that consumed, she knew, and to desire impossibility was to let it consume you entirely. hearts splintered with love and splintered with loss, and to fear one was to fear both—it was safer to resist them both, to draw thick, black demarcations in shining permanent marker, explicit, clear lines that gently reminded her of what could and could not be desired.

“You live as though you are already dead,” she whispered. each word sunk into him, cut through his heart with clean, sharp blades. “You live as though your life is nothing but a prerequisite for death, for true purpose. Have you ever fought to stay alive? Have you ever allowed yourself to think of life as something to love?”

They had the same fine boned face, hollow-cheeked and haunted, the same air of a saint that had burnt away to nothing and held the ashes himself. And yet, they were not the same. It was a twisted, imperfect projection—it was him, but not all of him. This was his savage divinity laid bare.

What were love stories but dreams of worlds where the sun and moon could linger beside one another long enough to learn the language of the other’s heart?

ravi also has an incredible grasp on the themes that she’s writing with. above all, the heartless divine is about humanity and what makes people human—our relationships with each other and with our own place in the world. and in my opinion, she expresses these ideas with great maturity and wisdom.

however, for the most part, the heartless divine’s greatest strength is its characters. kiran is a deeply complex character, a prophet caught between his duty to die as a martyr and his desire to make his own choices and follow what he truly loves. he has a complicated relationship to humanity, but no human more than himself, as he struggles to understand the parameters of his own humanity—the place where his mortality ends and his divinity begins. at first, the kiran of the past and the kiran of the present seem deeply separated from each other, but as the story progresses you begin to understand the tragedy of how kiran became who he is in the modern-day.

at first, suri seems like a typical ya female protagonist, but as the story progresses and she begins to let her guard down a bit more, you really start to see how interesting and complicated she is as a character. she doesn’t believe in gods or fate at the beginning of either storyline, but by the end she slowly starts to accept hope into her heart—ending in two very different ways—and advocates for ignoring fate and following the life you want, desperately searching for the happy ending that you deserve. she also has a deeply captivating character voice, and was, certainly at the beginning, my favourite of the three pov characters.

but my personal favourite character is viro, the primary antagonist of the past plotline (though—no major spoilers—he finally makes an appearance in the modern plotline very close to the end). most people i know who have read the heartless divine feel similarly about viro. ravi makes him a deeply compelling character, fleshing out his motivations and reasoning and in turn writing one of my favourite relationships in the book in his complex brotherly relationship with kiran. i don’t want to spoil much about him, but he is a really interesting character and, though technically the antagonist, is just as compelling as the protagonists.

on the same note, before i talk about the romance in the book, i have to mention viro and kiran’s dynamic, as i feel it drives the past plot in many ways and is deeply interesting. the two are adoptive brothers, and find themselves butting heads almost constantly over their different ideological stances; and though it’s clear they love each other, soon enough you start to worry if love is enough.

onto the romance, and of course i have to talk about suri and kiran, because—how could i not. they’re literal soulmates! two souls who find each other in every lifetime! they’re kindred spirits no matter what, in both past and present, two people who understand each other deeply on a metaphysical level, and no matter what their scenes together were a great joy. they’re a romance where both of them help each other grow, even when surrounded by chaos and catastrophe. here’s one of my favourite lines in the book in case you need some more explanation. this is romance.

“‘Love is dangerous, blinding,’” he quoted, voice soft against her cheeks in an empty semblance of amusement. He pulled back slightly, just enough that she could see the gentleness, the raw warmth in his gaze. The clean lack of regret. “And yet, I see you so clearly.”

it’s perhaps less explicit—but bear in mind this is the first book in a series—but ravi also sets up the dynamic between viro and his guard, companion, and best friend tarak in a way that...is practically impossible not to read as romantic. i won’t spoil it because it is something you have to see in person, but some of the most emotionally charged scenes in the novel deal with their dynamic. here’s another line for good measure. they really said we do it for the girls and the tenderyearning gays that’s it.

Tarak let out a ragged sigh, lost and despairing. Viro reached up and put a hand on his, traced the lines of his fingers. he watched him do it, entranced by the movement and saddened by it as well. Finally, he asked, “If I begged, would you stay?” Viro’s fingers stilled in their movement, suddenly hyper-aware of the way Tarak’s hands shook upon the embroidered fabric of his tunic. as if he couldn’t bear to hold him tighter, as if the mere action would wrench him away.

the world building is also incredibly well done, as is the mythology ravi sets up and the folk stories she tells. also, for good measure, ravi is an indian writer and her story is, as aforementioned, deeply inspired by sangam india. i don’t necessarily have the cultural context to interact with the worldbuilding completely, but from where i stand it’s immensely well done.

the second book in the series is currently being written, and i recommend picking up your copy of the heartless divine soon before the series continues. once again, it’s available on amazon, and here is its page on goodreads and thestorygraph in case you want to add it to your tbr!

also, for good measure, shoot me a message here or on twitter (where i normally am) if you do decide to read it and want to discuss it! for good measure, here’s one of my favourite lines from the book—just as a closing statement.

“I want to hear all of your stories,” she said, fierce as fire. “Every single one. I don’t care whether they have happy endings or not.”

#bookblr #book recommendations #book recs #yalit #ya lit #diverse ya #diverse fantasy #ya recs #booklr #ya recommendations #books #the heartless divine

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