#it made me really wish I thought of it and truly implemented it into the story

[amazingdeadfish]

It's only been a few days and I feel like a boiling pot, I have a lot of ideas, a lot of theories, so I have to ask: in your drawings of Ling's little Baihe she looks like that girl LBD dressed up as when she was arguing/Talking to the emperor, please tell me she didn't disguise herself as Ling's Baihe in front of them.

Sometimes (which is... A lot of the time), I think people who read Blue and Violet are smarter than I am.

Because I genuinely have to admit, I had to re-watch that flashback scene in LMK canon to realise the point you were making.

The truth is that... I had no idea how similar I had ended up making Ivory Lady's child form to little Baihe (there are differences, yes, because the only reference I had for Baihe was Xiuying's own child design I created a while ago. Baihe was simply designed to look a lot like her).

Like... I... I did not realise. At all. But I look back on this now and, yeah, you are right! Little Baihe really does look like Ivory Lady on that scene!

But it was not my intention for Ivory Lady to have purposefully taken up little Baihe's face in that scene. But y'know what?

Y'know what mate?

I like it. I really like your theory. I like it so much that yeah, alright, your theory is right. That's what LBD wanted to do. She transformed into Baihe in that scene. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was just the first child's face that popped into her mind? That would make sense, because I'll tell all of you right now that little Baihe and the Ivory Lady would have had many other encounters (along with Ling), but it was all behind the scenes and not featured in the Blue and Violet story itself (because there is only so much I am capable of writing, haha). Of course out of all children the Ivory Lady would think of, it would be Baihe.

But I don't think the Ivory Lady would have done this to 'specifically' fuck with Ling. No, no, no, she is not that cruel.

I do not think she likes to torture or harm people. In fact, isn't the pain that people experience one of the very things she wants to stop when trying to end the world? But she does see a necessity in it in order to pursue destiny, which, kind of makes her a hypocrite.

Anyways, I have rambled enough. Thanks for sharing your thoughts :)))

#ask #blue and violet #there was one other guy who sent me an ask regarding a theory of the mayor and the calabash #it made me really wish I thought of it and truly implemented it into the story

[angiesmagicspace]

Reversed roles

“Ooh, tell me why, tell me why do I feel so free when I'm dead?

Oh, when I'm tied on to your short leash”

Pairing: husband Seungcheol x wife reader

Genre: smut

Warnings: slight BDSM themes, DOM Cheol, sub-femme reader, tying up, edging, teasing, overstimulation, etc.

Summary: Her job requires her to take on the leading role, but the roles become very different when she enters her home.

A/N: Back from the dead, uni is really kicking my ass. But I hope you like this. Tell me your thoughts

Masterlist

Asks are open

Being in charge was a part of your personality. Everything from your personal life to your work life needed to be perfect. Ever since you were promised a leading position in your dad's company, you aimed to be the best in everything you did. The control you had was fueling you to achieve greater things in life. Sometimes people would try to be snarky and comment how you must drive your partners crazy with the amount of control. But they didn't know that they were far away from the truth.

Your husband Seungcheol is your favorite person in the entire world. Ever since you met him during one of many company dinners, you were so in love. He truly was the best thing to happen to you. He is truly the cherry on top for you. People would often comment how you two compliment each other so well, and you couldn't agree more. What they didn't know was that you two compliment each other on so many levels that it's almost embarrassing to admit. He is the ying to your yang, the moon to your sun, the missing piece of your puzzle. Every time you hug him, you feel like you successfully found your other half. 

He is the one who helps you switch from your role of the leader to the role you enjoy a little more. Being his submissive was your favorite thing of every day. This dynamic between you two felt so natural. From the very first time you were intimate, the roles were just implemented like they were agreed before. He held the reins in his hand, and you were just there to take everything he gave you. Even when you were restrained, it felt free to have him make all the decisions and control your pain and your pleasure.

Once again, you are on your way home from a very tiring and stressful day at the company. But just the thought of coming back home to your husband was exciting you to no end. All that stress will be forgotten the moment you kneel in front of him, and he puts your collar on you.

“I'm home,” you yell while closing the door behind you, already smelling your husband's perfume in the air, making your insides tingle. The moment you spotted him sprawled on the couch, you felt the excitement rush through you. He looked ethereal, so buff yet soft to the touch, he truly looked like a deity sent from the goods to reward you. “Oh, kitten finally. I have been waiting for so long,” he jumped up, spreading his arms so you could just bury your head in his chest. Hugging you tightly, he kissed the top of your head, giving you just the comfort you needed today. “Do you want me to make some dinner or order something?” he asked, still embracing you tightly against his chest. “No, thanks, baby. I already ate something, but there is something I want more.” you pulled away just enough so you could look him in the eyes. He just arched his brow, waiting for you to tell him your wishes. “I want you to take care of me,” the moment those words left your mouth he knew what you required the most.

Without any words, he scooped you up in his arms and walked to your bedroom. He let you down on the bed and went to close the door, while you took off all of your clothes, leaving only your panties and bra. Lowering yourself on the cushion in front of the full-length mirror, you slowly let go of all the stress. What made you relax entirely was the feeling of your collar being put on by your husband. His strong hands felt so gentle while he was putting the pink satin around your neck. From this moment it was only him in your world, nothing else mattered besides his commands and rules.

“Now kitten, you know the rules. What I say goes, you only speak when spoken to, and you aren't allowed to do anything without my approval. Am I clear?” his tone was lower than usual, but that is how he speaks when he is in the role of your dominant. You looked up at him, already in bliss. “Yes, sir” Your words felt so soft to his ears, oh he loves you so much. “Get on the bed, laying on your back. I want to see all of you,” his instructions were always stern, and your body moved on its own there was no reason to rebel against your husband. Sprawled on the bed, you were waiting for his next move. He collected something from your closet and came back. Slowly, he took off your lingerie, which meant that you would soon be tied up. “I am going to tie you up for now, if you behave I might let you touch me.” every step he always explained, his dominance didn't always mean pain, most of the time it meant caring for you in a way no one couldn't. Silk ropes wrapped around your ankles and hands, restraining you just enough so you won't be able to touch him or move too far.

Firstly, his hands found their way to your chest, massaging your boobs, pulling on your nipples, and stroking them in a circular motion. He set his focus on them, knowing that it will get you going in no time. Your nipples are very sensitive and some days he could make you cum just by sucking on them. Low moans left your mouth while he focused on your neck, giving you small hickeys here and there just to make a small reminder of whom you belong to. Your whimpers became louder by the second, and he knew that if he didn't move his hands now you would be cumming in no time, which wasn't his plan. His hands moved down to your hips, one hand staying there and the other moving further down so he could gently palm your pussy.

His fingers moved softly over your slit, collecting your wetness very audibly. Every stroke of his fingers made you squirm, he was so close to where you needed him, but he didn't do what you needed him to do. Quiet whimpers and pleas left your mouth, but they fell on deaf ears, now wasn't the time for you to choose. “Quiet kitten, you will get what you require when I decide it,” the tips of his fingers found your clit, massaging in a circular motion. Every touch was more intense than the previous. You were so close, already feeling your orgasm nearing, but your hope didn't last very long when you felt Seungcheol remove his hand from your pussy. Making you even more desperate than you were already. He continued doing this for some time, bringing you so close to your release and then removing his fingers immediately.

“Oh, look at you kitten. So desperate that you would cry for an orgasm. I am cruel to you, aren't I?” nodding your head, you felt his dick rubbing against your entrance. By this point, you were crying, whining, begging for any sort of release. It was torture, but you needed more than he could imagine. Carefully, he slipped inside you, stretching your tight walls with his big dick. It felt amazing, the stretch always burned slightly, but you knew that his size was to blame for that. He slowly trusted inside of you, building his pace very carefully so you wouldn't cum just yet. “Is this what you wanted? Sir to take care of you and pleasure this little pussy of yours, hm” his breathing was heavier, he truly loved being inside of you there was no better place for his dick than your pussy. He craved it every day, he worshiped it every time he got down on his knees, it was his favorite meal. 

With every thrust, you were closer to reaching your orgasm, and he knew that. Positioning the tip of his dick right on your g spot, feeling your walls flutter against him. You were ready to cum, and he would make sure that it was the best orgasm ever. Thrusting faster, he felt himself also getting closer, but that wasn't important right now. Just as you were seconds away from cumming, he pulled out. 

You were ready to scream and beg, but that's when you felt his fingers enter your pussy. Moving in and out at brutal speed, hitting your g spot every time. And that's when you felt it, reaching your orgasm felt like heaven. Arching your back, you pushed yourself harder on his fingers, and he gladly let you. Slowly coming down from your high, you looked at Seungcheol, while he admired you. “Kitten, I knew you had it in you, squirting on my hand like this. Almost had me cumming without any stimulation.” he softly spoke, and that's when you realized that the sheets beneath you were soaked.

“Thank you, sir. Thank you for making me feel so good.” whispering, you tried to thank him the best you could. He just hugged you while untying the ropes from your hands. “Thank you, kitten, for trusting me.” lifting yourself, kissing his shoulder as thank you, feeling deeply relieved from everything that happened today.

“Sir, could I do something for you?” even though you felt spent from your orgasm, you still craved the feeling of his fat dick on your tongue. “Only if you want to, kitten. I don't want to pressure you.” you knew that he didn't need you to do it, but it was for your pleasure anyway. You lowered yourself down, licking the tip of his dick. Sucking him, hollowing your cheeks, it almost felt better than cumming yourself. He made himself comfortable against the headboard, admiring you and the stained sheets behind you. You bobbed your head up and down, stroking what you couldn't fit in your mouth. It truly felt amazing to have you like this. Seungcheol couldn't last very long, the whole sight in front of him was too much to handle. Soon you felt his warm seed hit the back of your throat.

He lifted you, embracing you in a hug. You stayed like that for some time before he transferred you to the bathroom to wash you and cuddle you some more.

#seungcheol smut #choi seungcheol #seungcheol x reader #seventeen seungcheol #s coups smut #scoups smut #scoups #svt #seventeen smut #seventeen #seventeen x reader #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seungcheol imagines #seungcheol scenarios #kpop

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Twenty-One

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way? 

Authors Note: This is a long one, it took me a while but hopefully the waits been worth it? EMOTIONS is all I'm going to say.

Warnings: Lots going on- talks of car crashes, alcohol abuse (both in the past) also some previous thoughts on trauma and different coping mechanisms

> Last update: look back here if you'd like!

Masterlist

It takes a second for change to implement itself, though it can take a while longer for its realisation to truly hit.

…

I could hear him. 

Bustling his way around my kitchen, singing quietly as he worked on the breakfast he’d promised the night before. Tins clattered, the kettle whistled, and the fridge door rattled closed, all whilst I padded my way towards him, pausing in the entryway to simply take in the sight I’d been gifted.

I grinned over at Teddy, who was currently tiptoeing on the wooden stool I had tucked away for whenever he felt inclined to help me cook, and then at Matty who seemed happy enough with making him giggle whenever he chose to lean in close to sing by his ear. 

“Thinking this through… It's like, one,”

“..TWO!” Teddy laughed back when Matty pointed at him, beaming brightly at the sight of the man’s all too amused face.

“Yeah, ‘cause I'm in love with you-”

“I-I-I-I!”

It was something I’d never thought to even picture, let alone see, my son staring up at a man with such adoration and pride. The two of them simply belonging. The whole scene made me ache with a wanting for it to never stop, but even the best of things had to come to an end I supposed.

Matty turned, a smile painting on his features, only to pause when he caught sight of me, watching them from the doorway. He narrowed his eyes, then gave me a sly smile, before he placed the plate he’d been holding down on the counter and shuffled on closer, arms stretching out towards me as he continued to sing along to his own song. I mean, the ego on him.

“… I’m in love with you.”

It was hard going, attempting to dampen the grin that pulled at the corners of my mouth, especially when Matty wrapped his arms around my hips and started to sway us to and fro. He raised his brows up at me, fully expecting me to finish off the song for him, so I rolled my eyes and laughed the final line out, accompanied by a much louder Teddy, “I-I-I-I-I.”

Matty leaned in close to press a quick kiss to the corner of my mouth, his tangled hair tickling my cheek. He chuckled lowly to himself when I wrinkled my nose at the feeling and tried to escape from his hold, but did eventually let me go.

“What are you even making?” I asked the pair of them around a fond smile, crossing the kitchen to ruffle Teddy’s curls and open up the little window there. I sniffed lightly. “Did you end up burning something too?”

Matty rolled his eyes at that and shook his head with a tut, before he moved to pick up his plate once more, sliding past Teddy and I to grab at the toast which had just popped up. “No.”

“Liar.” I laughed with Teddy, picking him up and settling him on my hip whilst Matty turned his back on us to start buttering the bread. “What’s with the big breakfast then anyway? I thought you had to record today.” I asked him, praising Teddy quietly for the way he’d spooned some sugar and two teabags into a pair of matching mugs for us. 

“Later on,” Matty answered me in a quiet murmur as I peered over his shoulder to nick a fresh piece of toast. “Oi!”

Grinning around the bite I’d just taken, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t completely charred. “Better than the last batch.” I told him honestly and with a wry smirk.

Matty just shook his head at me, but even as he turned back to the task at hand I could see the tiny beginnings of the smile he wore. “Said I could cook.”

With a sarky hum, I could only reply, “Does toast even count as cooking?”

I was simply swatted away with a tea towel in hasty retort and Teddy squealed, wriggling to be let down.

“Okay, okay!” I relented with a laugh of my own before I slid on over to press a grateful kiss to the side of Matty’s neck. “It’s very good, merci mon amour.” 

I pulled away with a grin when I felt him tense beneath me, gesturing to Teddy for him to go ahead and grab the milk for us from the fridge whilst I began to pour the hot water into the tea he’d started. 

“What are you up to today then?” Matty asked after having cleared his throat, tossing the butter-covered knife into the sink before he looked over at us. He thanked Teddy proudly when the little monster hurried back from dumping the tea bags in the bin to point at the man’s given cup. “Lifesaver!”

Teddy giggled happily.

Matty’s question had me chewing on the inside of my cheek as I went about lifting Teddy into his usual seat at the kitchen table and laying a plate in front of him. I smoothed down his tousled hair and didn’t quite look in Matty’s direction when I finally said, “You know, the usual… Quick trip to the shops, phone mum, speak to Finn, maybe pop into the park. I hear they’ve put in this new little greenhouse by the pond, you know, just across the bridge?”

I’d thrown it in there, hoping that he might just brush over it. But then Matty didn’t offer me an answer of any kind, so with nothing else to occupy myself with I slowly peered over to where he still stood, propped up against the kitchen counter. 

He was staring down at the bowl of fruit he’d prepped sometime earlier, almost as though the grapes had suddenly grown legs and the banana pieces had turned purple. I sighed quietly to myself and felt my shoulders drop an inch before crouching down to whisper in Teddy’s ear, “Go turn on the tele for me, yeah? We can eat on the sofa today.”

Teddy’s entire face lit up at the very prospect and was so eager in his haste to hurry into the living room that he almost toppled out of his chair. I chuckled in fond exasperation, helping him down and handing him his plate with a quiet caution before allowing him to run off.

It was then that I turned my attention back to the main issue at hand. 

We hadn’t spoken much of Finn and what had happened back at the studio. I’d given Matty his space after it had all gone down, allowed him the time to mull it over and hopefully forget the words that had been said, but I knew that had mostly been wishful thinking on my part. 

Still, I was kicking myself for it now. We’d been good. Things had really been looking up; at work and at home, with Teddy and Matty, and then with Matty and I. Stupidly, I had thought that this might just be something we could have simply plastered over and left to settle, because admitting to the fact that things weren’t alright between two of the most important people in my life just wasn’t something I was ready to face yet.

I’d been selfish in that regard though, it seemed. Because of course Matty had taken the brunt of it all and pretended to shrug it off like it was no skin off of his nose. Leaving me to realise all too late just how much this whole thing had affected him. 

“Matty.” I called to him softly before I gently rested my hand on the crook of his arm, testing if I was welcome. When he didn’t immediately shy away from my touch, I slid in behind him so that I could press my forehead to the curve of his back, to where that little dip in between both of his shoulder blades resided. 

Thoughtlessly, my fingers trailed over the hem of the jeans he’d thrown on that morning, toying with the two belt loops which sat at the very centre. 

We stood there for a long moment in the quiet space of the kitchen, the food going cold but neither one of us really caring. It was only when I felt some of that tension finally ebb in his shoulders that I slowly wound my arms around his middle, smiling slightly when I felt his hands take hold of mine at his front.

“I hate this.” I admitted to him, voice so faint it was muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt. His fingers squeezed my own.

“I know.” He told me after a small pause and I felt him raise his head to gaze out of the small window sat opposite. “I know, Squeaks. Me too.”

I squeezed back.

“I’m sorry we haven’t spoken about it either. That I let it fester. I just wished, hoped even, that you might not linger too much on it, that things would- I don’t know, just end up working out. But I was stupid.”

Matty heaved a weighted breath and I let my eyes slip closed at the motion before he carefully turned in my grasp. He stopped to stare down at me, lifting a hand to tuck a strand of stray hair behind my ear, thumb brushing over a whitened scar I had yet to hide with makeup.

“Don’t. There’s no need.” He murmured to me, though his gaze was focused on the slow movement he’d just made. “Talk to him. He’s your mate, it’d be weird if you didn’t. But, I don’t know. Reckon I just might need some time. That alright?”

I was already nodding before he could even finish his sentence, more than okay with that. “‘Course it is. Though I don’t know much about talking with him, I’m betting on a screaming match. I’m still fuming with how it all went down.”

Matty gifted me a soft chuckle, and although it was hollow he had tried and that was what mattered most to me. It would take time to move past this, I could understand that. “Let him explain first, yeah?”

I frowned, brow pinching with it. “What do you mean? What’s he got to explain?”

He smiled, one of those soft dopey ones of his, the kind he often gave me whenever I’d said something silly or he was humoured by my confusion. “I get it, Mouse.” He sighed quietly, “I don't like how he went about it, it was cheap, shitty even, but he was just looking out for you, babe.”

My frown deepened and I didn't care to give his words much thought. “There’s looking out for me and then there's being a massive prick, Matty.”

With a huffed breath of a laugh, Matty trailed his thumb down my jaw to skirt over the bottom edge of my lip. His eyes finally met mine. “He went about it the wrong way, but he’s been good for you, baby. Looked after you and Teds for years, got you through some hard times, and so for that I give him a little leeway.” 

My expression softened. 

Matty’s fingers pinched my chin as he coaxed me back up to meet his gaze.

“Do that for me?” He asked, and who was I to say no to an ask like that?

Instead of answering him though, I simply leaned in and kissed him sweetly, cradling his jaw in my hands so that I could thumb over the tops of his cheeks. I wondered, momentarily, where I’d gotten so lucky.

–

A kid in the studio had both its perks and disadvantages, Matty had soon come to see. 

Squeaks had been messaging Finn not long before he’d gone to set off, slowly pulling out some clean clothes from the ever growing pile he kept adding to each time he went round to her flat, whilst Teds completed his phonics, sat on the bed.

He’d kept calling out to Matty whenever he’d stumble onto the next, asking him to sound it out for him before trying to memorise it himself. Matty had enjoyed it- enjoyed all the time he spent with the little monster as a matter of fact- but helping him with the lessons he knew that Teddy would soon carry on further into his life… He didn’t know, it just settled something within him. Made him feel needed. 

He hadn’t ever felt much of that.

Anyway, Squeaks had come into the bedroom just as he’d been tugging on a jumper, one she had said she’d liked the last time he’d worn it, and mentioned that she had to get ready to drop Teddy off round Adi’s so that she could head on over to meet Finn. 

Matty had tried to keep his expression fairly neutral each time she mentioned the man. Because he hadn’t lied earlier when he’d asked for her to give her mate the benefit of the doubt. But it still irked him. The whole situation did, in truth. See because he knew that he was running on fucking borrowed time here with her. He’d never claimed to have been a lucky man either, so he knew that something was bound to happen sooner or later. He was merely praying that he’d be able to hold onto this small bubble of peace he’d found for himself for as long as he possibly could.

Teddy had appeared put out by the fact that he would have to head on over to Adi’s, who still lived with her elderly grandmother. All pouty and sweet looking, proper cute in actuality, and Matty had honestly gone and spoken before his mind had even had a chance to catch up with his massive mouth.

Mouse had been just as surprised by his offer to let Teds tag along with him down to the studio, spilling out claims that it would be fine with the guys (who’d yet to even meet the tyke) and that they weren’t actually working on anything too big that afternoon (just recording the ending of a session). And even though Matty hadn’t exactly asked the lot of them beforehand either, he figured it to be true enough.

And with the relief that had visibly fallen off of Squeaks at his reassurance, Matty hadn’t had it in himself to regret the offer. So with that, he’d set to helping her get Teddy ready for the day and then headed out the door.

Thing was though, the last time he’d ever gotten the tube with a little kid had been years before when his mum had visited with Lou. And back then she’d been the one to worry over his every move, not wanting to lose him in the crowd or have him swept under a carriage. Gruesome yeah, but it was a real fucking fear Matty realised. 

This time around it had been his turn though, and God, did he feel sorry for all the shit he’d given his poor mum throughout the years. Was this why parents looked so tired all the fucking time?

Teddy was good enough though, curious sure, always asking questions and pointing at everything, but he listened, held onto his hand and didn’t ever wander off. He’d enjoyed counting the stops on the train too and didn’t think much of the few stares they’d gotten on the platform and again when they’d sat down. 

By the time they’d made it to the studio, Matty had felt as though he’d just gone and ran a half marathon.

It was only when Teds had crowded into his trouser leg upon first walking through the entrance that he realised that this was just as new to Teddy as it was to him, and the fact that he was now being forced into an unknown setting probably didn’t make things much easier for the kid. 

Still, he had managed to perk up on the small tour Matty had given him. Wanting to ease his nerves before they ventured much further, it had just been the two of them wandering the halls aimlessly and simply nodding or smiling at the very few people who passed them by. 

It was only once Matty had figured it time to head into the room the band usually booked did Teddy quieten again.

“Where’ve you been? Only texted you like twenty times!” Matty heard George huff from around the short corner they were hidden behind after he’d called out to let them know that it was just him. 

Matty paused by the door to cast a glance down at Teddy, but the kid was already looking at everything the walls had to offer; the big plaques with the even bigger names, the posters and many album covers that dotted the dark paint. It was only when Matty crouched down to level with him did Teddy glance back.

“You alright, monster?” He asked quietly, wanting to give Teds a second to wrap his head around things. Matty noted that he was back to chewing on his lip again, eyes wide and unsure, but Teddy gripped onto the hand Matty silently offered him. 

After a moment, Teddy nodded at the question and Matty gave him a hopeful smile. “Good, ‘cause imma need you to kick this sorry lot into shape for me, alright? I mean, I know I’m good but they can’t just depend on me for everything, can they?”

He was gifted a quiet giggle, one which eased Matty’s mind a tad. 

“Matt!”

Matty rolled his eyes at the shout of his name then shook his head mockingly at Teddy, who seemed to have jumped a bit at the beckon. “Told you, didn’t I?” He tutted playfully to the boy, rolling his eyes too for added effect, “Fall apart if I’m not here.”

Teddy was back to smiling now, “Like mum.”

Matty laughed at the comparison, certain that Squeaks would say that she had a much harder job with the show than he did here in the booth. But Matty wasn’t too inclined to disagree, she worked far too hard in truth.

“Exactly, mate.” He replied anyway, then nodded in the direction of the many voices that were bouncing their way towards them, watching as Teddy peered round him once more, “You think you’re gonna be okay?”

Teddy blinked and then looked over towards him, it was in moments like these which Matty saw just how much he resembled his mum, he reckoned it was those big eyes of theirs that held so much emotion.

“Yeah.” The boy finally breathed out and so Matty squeezed his hand just once in support, before lumbering back to his feet. He stole a quick breath for himself and then started leading them both further inside.

George was stationed where he always was, by the decks, surrounded by laptops and many a monitor. Ross was sprawled out on the beanbag they’d lugged in on day three, fiddling with the bass he held in hand. Hann, however, had chosen to sit nearest to the door and so he was the only one to glance upon at their nearing footsteps.

Matty watched on as a flash of surprise flickered across his mate’s face. Brows rose and a slow blink was seen before Adam finally smiled, looking every inch the father Matty knew him to be. 

“Just who might you be then?” Hann greeted cheerfully whilst tucking his mobile back into his trouser pocket. He didn’t make a move to get up off the settee corner though, something which Matty felt immediately thankful for, it seemed neither of them wanted to crowd the kid just yet. 

It was with that greeting though that Ross’s head finally shot up and George turned to face them in his big fancy chair. The pair of them flicked both alarmed and shock filled gazes to Matty, who did his very best to ignore their all too familiar mugs.

“This is Teddy.” Matty acknowledged, crouching down once more so that Teds could lean further into his side whilst his wide eyes surveyed their way about the rest of the room. Matty wondered what it must’ve felt like for him, struggling to recall moments from his own childhood when his mum and dad had brought him along to their interviews to sit in the audience.

“Teddy love, these three doughnuts are my mates. You remember, the ones I’m in a band with?”

Matty let Teddy have a second, waiting quietly as the little boy dragged his gaze back towards him with parted lips, he blinked and then nodded, hands wringing the sleeve of Matty’s jumper.

Matty merely smiled, bringing the kid in closer to press a quick kiss to his head of hair. “Look, Teds. See that one there, with the funny face? That’s Hann.” He was delighted to hear Teddy’s soft laughter, however muted it was, even as Adam scolded him with an unimpressed glare. “Then in the corner there, that guy?” Teddy dipped his chin, eyes trained on the bearded bloke who was grinning away like a twat, “That’s Ross, he looks like a giant but cries when he’s hungry.”

“I do not!” Ross shot back scathingly, narrowed eyes pointed at Matty which only proved to fuel Teddy’s quiet chuckles.

“Yeah alright, MacDonald.” Matty ignored whatever else Ross attempted to say after that, rolling his eyes theatrically towards Teddy before he gestured over to where George was sitting in his chair, pushing those pretentious sunglasses he often wore up onto his shaved head. “And that one there, that’s G.”

Teddy leaned in close again to whisper in Matty’s ear, “Drums.”

Matty chuckled despite himself, loathing the fact that of course Teds would have remembered the drummer. Most did. “Yeah, mate. That’s him.”

George quirked a brow at the hushed conversation shared but said nothing on it, at least not then. Instead he just waved Teddy on over, “You want to come see? Got a ton of buttons you can press.” He added as though he was trying to entice the kid. 

Matty dampened the mirthful grin that crawled up onto his face when it seemed to work though, even as Teddy tugged him along by their joint pair of hands. 

By the time Matty finally got around to stepping into the booth to record a few verses a while later, Teddy felt comfortable enough to wait for him just outside the door with the three giant idiots he’d left him with.

–

A stalemate.

That was where we were currently sat.

Even with everything that had gone down, him starting this whole mess, I had been the one to go to him. To his loft where he worked most days when he wasn’t with clients, or visiting galleries. 

Finn had welcomed me in with his usual hello through the intercom, buzzing me up into the building and then meeting me just past the front door. He’d been kitted up when I’d entered, still in his apron and covered in paint, the latter of which he was trying to wash off when I first spotted him. 

He’d had the kettle already going and he smiled slightly after asking me how I’d been. I’d been truthful, said that I was doing good- all things considered.

There’d been an awkward pause at that, the two of us unsure on where we should then go with the encounter, but the kettle had whistled and on instinct I had turned to grab the mugs. 

He had nodded gratefully, but then gestured me over to where his colourful sofa sat by the large open bay windows, joining me with two steaming brews not a minute later. 

“How’s Teds?”

I licked at my lower lip at the question, peering into the still swirling mug. “Good, on Easter break soon enough.”

“What have they been working on then?” Finn asked next, because we both knew this was a safe topic, an easy starter. 

“Phonics at the moment,” I replied with a small smile that couldn’t quite be helped, recalling the way Teddy had puttered around after Matty this morning calling out each sound he’d needed to learn. “He sounds them out after breakfast most days and then again at night.” We shared a brief smile, before I mentioned, “Matty’s been helping too.”

Finn hummed. 

I pressed my lips together to keep from blurting out everything I wanted to say at the sound of it, attempting to stick to the plan I’d formed on my way over here. Letting Finn open up on his own, rather than come in all guns blazing.

“How is that going then?”

My brow pinched as I peered over at him from across the settee, “What, with Matty and I?”

Another hum, though this one was accompanied by a slight nod.

I was wary of how to answer Finn, especially after having learnt what the man truly thought about our whole relationship, but figured I should at least be honest.

“We’re happy.” I love him. “He’s good for me, I think.” It terrifies me. “He brings out a part of me that I haven’t seen much of since- I don’t know, maybe my first year of uni?” I let go of a breathy chuckle, picking at the wrinkled hem that sat at the knee of my jeans. “It’s been, really nice.”

When I chanced a glance back up, it was only to find Finn already looking back at me, his expression carefully set, almost as though he was trying to suss out any sort of lie in my answer. I waited a second and then he smiled. Nothing less than genuine, and I felt my whole body relax at the sight of it.

“I’m sorry for how I reacted.” Finn spoke softly, placing his cup down on a side table to slide on a tad bit closer. He rubbed at the back of his wrist before settling his hands in his lap, “I shouldn’t have gone about it the way I did, I just- You know I care so much, Mouse. And this is me in no way asking to be let off the hook or anything of the like, but, you have to remember I was there through it all.”

Frowning slightly at his words, I followed Finn’s prior motion, putting my own mug down so that I could pull a leg up under me, settling nearer. 

He let go of an exhale, “I was there when you found out about Teddy, I was there before that and then after. I saw the line of broken hearts you left in your wake, chasing this thrill you sought so hard to find, and all of the games you wanted to play.” 

He took my hand then and I just let him, thinking on his words, on how it must have seemed to someone else looking in from the outside. I knew I’d been a right mess after leaving home. 

In truth, I’d been a mess since the night of the accident, when my whole world had been flipped on its head, turning me into this scarred little kid. Leaving me not only alone, but wanting to chase after everything I felt I’d missed out on because of it the second that I’d gotten the chance. Which had meant finding friends and casual sex, bar hopping and clubbing for days on end, looking for the next best thing to simply entice or excite me.

Finn had been there.

He’d been there through most of it, if not it all. He had watched me jump from guy to guy, get my stomach pumped at the local A&E, not just once but three times. He’d been the one I had turned to in my lowest moments, when I’d felt dirtied, when I’d just wanted to cry, or to merely laugh. He was there.

I could understand what Matty had meant now. 

‘He looked after you and Teds for years, got you through some hard times, and so for that I give him a little leeway.’

“I can still picture your face, you know.” Finn murmured, stare fixed on the tight hold I now had on his hand. “That night you turned up at mine after finding out that you were pregnant. You looked a fucking state, soaking wet from the rain and wearing only your pjs.” We shared a light chuckle that echoed before drifting off. “It broke me, to see you like that.”

“I know.” I whispered in a rasp, emotions clinging to the back of my throat.

Finn only smiled sadly. “But it worked out. Enough that you seemed happy enough with what you had. And I know that Teddy will always be enough fro you, but you deserve so much. You deserve to live and to love, to have that family you’ve always dreamed of.” I went to protest but he just shook his head, “I know it’s what you want, Mouse. You don’t have to say anything for me to notice the looks you give other parents in the park, or the kids who meet their mums and dads in the school playground. I can see how much you want that, and not just for Teds. But for you too.”

I swallowed thickly, feeling all too seen suddenly.

Finn squeezed my hand, forcing me to meet his gaze once more. I hadn’t even realised I had shied away. “Does he do that? Does he give you that hope?”

The inside of my cheek had practically been bitten raw these last few days, but it didn’t stop me from chewing on it again as I looked over at Finn with a watery stare. “I think so.”

With a slow, albeit fond, tilt of his head, Finn hauled an arm over my shoulder to crowd me into his side. The two of us huddled in close on his artsy sofa that would look so out of place anywhere else.

I smiled at the thought.

“If he means that much to you, then I’ll make up for what I did. What I said.” Finn reassured me, his voice quiet in the large expanse of his loft. I hadn’t actually expected it to go this way. “But I do want to know. I want to make sure that he knows that he’s not just getting you out of this, that Teddy isn’t a deal breaker here. That he’s grown enough to understand the implications and repercussions of his life and whatever the fuck goes on with it. That he is clean-”

I opened my mouth, guard jumping right back up. But Finn just tucked my head under his chin, hand gripping at my shoulder enough to keep me there with him.

“Sobriety is hard. I understand that. When it finally comes to light that he actually is with you, that means Teddy too, and it’ll be a fucking mess. I want to make sure that he won’t fuck up and throw it all away the second shit gets hard.”

Inhaling, I could only nod. I knew what he meant, it was something I had thought about an awful lot. Too much in fact, I’d worried enough over it that I was still so wary over whether or not to broach the topic with Matty himself. But I hoped, for the first time in a long while.

And that had to be enough for now.

–

Finn’s had been an emotional affair, but not a place I’d lingered too long after our initial apology. We both still needed some time to process and to lick over our wounds.

I’d been more than thankful for it though, it had been a real weight off of my shoulders in truth, because knowing that there was a chance to move on past it without having to pick and choose, or divide my time, was something I hadn’t really held out hope for.

I was a pessimist at heart.

But that being said, I’d been quite optimistic about Teddy’s few hours spent with Matty- alone. Which should’ve been daunting in retrospect, insane even, and had probably once been, but Matty had quickly come to prove himself not only to me, but to Teddy too. So although I’d been cautious, I hadn’t necessarily been quick to stamp out the idea. 

The last little excursion the pair had been on without me had gone down a treat, with Teddy having been tuckered out and fast asleep the second he’d gotten into bed, and Matty having bonded further with him somehow.

Then there had been the whole ‘I love you’ mess.

And God, if anyone would’ve told me that I’d have been the one to say it first I would have laughed in their face. Cackled loudly enough to be heard three streets over and on the very urge of wetting myself. But then exactly that had happened.

The words had been lingering in the corners of my mind for a few weeks before last night. Tittering, almost. Having started popping up around Christmas time, with the unannounced gift giving ceremony we’d shared and the incredible bond Matty seemed to have formed with my son. And had then settled in not long after that demo I’d received and the midnight visit where Matty had turned up at my doorstep in a downpour. 

I hadn’t loved.

Not really.

I’d loved people, friends and family. Sure.

But someone to keep? Someone that I could call mine?

No, that had never really felt like much of an option for me. And Matty… he’d sort of come out of nowhere, hadn’t he? This mess of a man, but so very wonderful in his own way. He had really crept up on me, and looking back it almost felt as though it was bound to happen. Us, I meant. It felt strange to imagine it any differently.

Messages now

I’m here! Come get me, it’s freezing!!

It didn’t take long before his telltale pop of curls emerged from the main entrance to the same studio I had found him perched outside of during the aftermath of the big mishap with Finn. It almost felt like coming full circle with our decision to have me meet the pair of them here after just having talked with Finn.

Matty’s grin was infectious as we moved to meet one another in a quiet hello, his arms catching themselves around my middle whilst I buried my face into the curve of his shoulder. 

He was warm, that was my first thought even as he pressed a chaste kiss to my head, enough so that I didn’t mind the fact that he kept me tucked up under his arm as he pulled away to lead us back inside the building.

“You get here okay?” Matty asked me once the door had rattled shut behind us, his voice travelling in the sparse lobby like area I’d yet to get acquainted with.

Humming, I answered his question with a nod, “Yeah, walked most of it, Finn had a client call out of the blue.”

Matty’s cheeks hollowed a tad but he hummed too before tilting his head over to the right, we started to walk that way. “It go alright then?”

I let go of a heavy breath, eyes surveying every inch of the studio as we wandered further inside, “As well as it could have, I ’spose. It’ll take time, I reckon, though he wants to make it up to you, too.”

Matty appeared to blink at that, the words seemed to have caught him by surprise, but he didn’t falter in his wandering, leading me down a narrow walkway.

“Are you up for that?” I pushed.

He wet his lower lip in thought, dipping his head at a maintenance worker who passed us by before looking back at me. “Told you, I’d give him a little leeway. But I wanna know more about what you spoke about first. If that’s alright with you.”

I was nodding away before he could even tack that last bit on, “Of course, I wouldn’t think not to, in truth.”

I was gifted a sweet smile and quick peck to the cheek before Matty paused, his hand catching on the handle to a heavy door. Soundlessly we slipped past it, Matty closing it slowly behind us to stop it from banging against its hinges and alerting the rest of the room’s occupants to our sudden arrival. Not that it would’ve been all that easy a task, what with the noise that consumed you the second you entered.

Matty smirked at the look that must’ve crossed my face at the sound before he held a finger to his lips, signalling me to keep quiet. I rolled my eyes but took the hand he held out towards me, the two of us creeping over to the corner that gave way to the real chaos that greeted us beyond.

First thing I took notice of was the loudmouth four year old who had seemingly taken charge of the band’s rehearsal, a sight which had me biting my lip to muffle my sudden hysteria. 

George was seated by a stretched desk full of slides and buttons, elbows rested on the tops of his thighs whilst he listened animatedly to Teddy’s thoughts on whatever he had Ross and Hann tinkering about with. 

The latter two were just holding onto their instruments, Ross stood with his bass and nodding along to what strings Teddy pointed at, whilst Hann was told to ‘look happier’. Something Matty had immediately snorted at, endlessly amused by Adam being told to liven up by a kid who’d only been out of nappies for a little over a year and a half.

The snort seemed to catch George’s attention though because his head shot over at the sound, which in turn forced the rest of the room to follow.

I heard Teddy’s gasp before he came bounding over, wearing a pair of sunglasses that probably cost more than my monthly rent. 

“Alright, lovie?” I laughed, swiping up an excited Teddy before he could barrel straight into my legs. “You been having a good time?”

Teddy’s enthusiastic nod was enough to assure me of that but then Ross spoke up, “Should hope so, been hounding me to get this bassline right for ages, ain't you, mate?” He smiled at the giant grin he received in turn before nodding over towards me, “He’s got a proper good ear though. Should get him into it soon, especially if he likes it.”

Blinking, I could only look back down at Teddy, who was now informing Matty on everything he’d missed out on in the sparse moments he’d been gone in a tangent like ramble. 

George sniffed as he made to walk on over to us which forced me to glance up again. Hann had started to take off his guitar strap whilst Ross went back to fiddling with his strings once more. Seeingly wanting to get whatever he was working on down before he had to leave for the day.

“He’s a good kid.” George commented to me, watching on as Teddy reached out to be taken by Matty, the man not even second guessing the motion of catching the boy under his arms and settling him on his hip. “And Ross ain’t wrong either. He seemed to really enjoy himself, had him messing about with the console for a bit and Matty even got him to play a couple chords on the guitar for us.” He chuckled lowly, a soft sort of smile breaking up his typically stoic features.

“Hope he wasn’t too much for you guys, Matty reckoned you’d all be alright with him tagging along but I didn’t even think to double check.” I mentioned, eyes caught on the way Teddy was now so enthralled by the story he was telling both Matty and Hann, arms stretched out wide as he exaggerated something or other.

George was shaking his head when I glanced back at him, “It was nice. Having him here, but seeing Matt with him too.” George’s mouth thinned when he lifted a hand to tug on his ear, “I didn’t think he could be like that. It’s strange, him letting someone else hog the limelight whilst he’s sat on the outskirts.”

We both shared a fond chuckle, because I could see what he meant but also, “He’s taken to Teddy better than I expected, really. It’s something I’m most thankful for, as well as the fact that Teddy seems to really like him too.”

My smile was warm, I could tell, and when George caught a glimpse of it I got to watch him almost mimic the gesture, as though he was thankful for it all too.

“You’re good for him.”

My breath caught a little at that, but I kept on smiling as I peered over at Teddy and Matty who were giggling between themselves whilst Hann, and now Ross, had seemingly taken to shaking their heads at the pair in indulging amusement.

“He’s good for me.”

…

The walk home from the studio had been spent hand in hand. The three of us just padding along the narrowing pavement, Matty more often than not trailing alongside the curb so that we could keep it up.

Teddy seemed to enjoy it though, even more so when Matty and I had started up a game with him, lifting him up off his feet so that he could swing back and forth in midair for a few brief moments.

By the time we’d made it home we were all just content to find something to eat and curl up in front of the tele, me listening to Teddy tell me all about his day with Matty whilst Matty pulled my feet into his lap.

He put Teddy to bed not long after, upon the boy’s sleepy request, and had returned about fifteen minutes later, having read a story and bundled Teddy up under his duvet covers. It had been then that I’d gotten to tell Matty more about the conversation I’d had with Finn, rehashing his words and even delving a little deeper into my past with him.

“How long have you known him again?” Matty asked me, thumb trailing back and forth over the jut of my knee whilst the tv played on low.

“Only since the first year of uni.”

Matty appeared quite surprised by that, he said so too. “Seems like longer.” I grinned tiredly at his musings, eyes squinting with it as I leant further into his side.

“It does a lot of the time, but sometimes it doesn't. Wasn’t lucky enough to have been gifted a group of bandits and made to start a band.” I teased, not unkindly, appreciating the way his hand travelled up to run his fingers through my hair. I peered up at him, “They’re all so lovely, you know.”

He answered me with an airy titter, the sound soft enough not to echo out of the living room and down the hall to where Teddy slept, “You’ve never been on tour with them, sweetheart.”

I laughed then too. “Maybe, but Teddy likes them. And I like them too.”

“I’m glad.” Matty whispered, pressing a kiss to the crown of my head. When he pulled away, I moved to capture his hand in my own. “You have anyone like that?”

I shook my head minutely, not wanting him to disturb his position, “No, wasn’t in school long enough to make any lasting friendships and then I guess when you reach a certain age it always feels a little harder.”

A quiet swept over us then and I took the time to simply admire the few tattoos Matty's forearms held; the passport number, the box, the postcode on his inner elbow.

“Was that because of what happened?”

His voice was cautious, which was unusual for Matty and more than likely the cause which had me peering up at him, rather than his ask that had gone and broken our peaceful bout of silence. 

My nose wrinkled, “What, with my scars?”

Matty gave a soft hum of assent, watching me from under a careful gaze, obviously anxious not to overstep or force my hand on the matter. I smiled at his care and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, it shook me a lot. I mean, I spent weeks in hospital and then after that, I was on strict bed rest whilst at home.” I explained to him, fingertips trailing over the faint grooves in his palm. “I was homeschooled for a long time too and when I did finally go back, well most of my class didn’t much care for me beyond the horror story they’d been told. It grew old quickly enough though, but even so it was hard to connect with people beyond the basic level.”

Matty’s thumb had begun to trail over the skin of my wrist, settling once or twice on my pulse point before going back to stroking again. “What did happen? I mean, only if you’re alright with saying anything about it, I know sometimes shit can still be hard.”

I breathed out an airy chuckle, turning my head to hide my enamoured smile in the wrinkle of his jumper. “I don’t mind. I don’t like mentioning it with strangers much, which is why it’s not really public knowledge unless you go digging. But it was a car accident.”

I felt Matty tense beneath me but his touch didn’t stray, only became that bit bolder, the hand in my hair coaxing me to glance up at him so that he could kiss me sweetly, nose nudging at the curve of my cheek before withdrawing. I hummed happily.

“My dad was with the local police. High up, but a drinker. Only started though after this one case, and then it spiralled. My mam worked night shifts sometimes at the hospital, which was a good way away from where we lived, so it would just be him and me until she got home.” 

I took a breath, realising it had been quite sometime since I’d actually spoken about the crash, or even thought of it really. The scars were a constant reminder, yes, but the crash itself was something that had occurred almost two decades ago now, so I’d had time to sort of come to terms with it. As much as I could. 

Not to say that it still didn’t wear at me, it had been a big event in my life, changed things in more ways than one. Because it had also been the spark which had sent my dad packing.

“It’d been raining that night, I remember ‘cause the water had been leaking in from under the backdoor. My dad had sworn up a fucking storm when he’d noticed it but could only really stick a couple towels down, claiming that he’d fix it on his next day off.” 

A light chuckle escaped me at the vivid memory my mind made up, his tall figure, the odd phrasings he would use, but nothing of real substance. I couldn’t quite recall his face, or the depth of his voice, seeing as I hadn’t looked over old videos or photos we had since I’d visited mum back home.

“It had been a bad storm, had the tides reaching the cliff peaks if I remember rightly. Which meant that the hospital had started to flood, at least the north ward where mam had worked.” I continued, enjoying the delicate caress of Matty’s thumb as it trailed up my arm, “She’d been sent home after they’d managed to move most of the patients on the ground floor westward, but her car broke down about a mile out.”

I could hear the call even now, the sound of my dad’s heavy footsteps when he’d come to wrap me up in a coat, murmuring that we had to go and pick her up.

“The winds picked up, I guess. Dad didn’t have a car seat, that was what we used mam’s car for. So he just sat me in the front seat before setting off.” 

Matty’s touch faltered slightly, probably having suspected where I was headed with this before it picked up once again. “The rain was relentless and we weren’t too far from the shore so it almost felt as though it was just thick sludge falling from the sky. It was hard to see past the first metre or so.”

I swallowed, noting how the light from the tv screen stretched out across the floor and flickered each time a scene changed. 

“Our town wasn’t huge, but it was big enough to warrant a couple T-junctions and the odd roundabout. There was a fourway, just up past the old baptist church, a road mostly used for when you were coming off the main motorway or headed out towards the airport. Dad had been drinking, you could smell it on him some days, but at night it was always stronger. He blew through it, the traffic light teetering on amber before it finally turned red.”

Staring blankly out across the living room, I could almost picture it. The downpour which had clouded the windscreen, the old dash of my dad’s car, the familiar scent of his preferred brand of tobacco.

I licked at my lower lip, mouth suddenly dry. “A van had been crossing. On the passenger side.” I added quietly, appreciating the grip of Matty’s hand as I carried on, “All I really remember after that are headlights and the blare of a horn. Woke up a couple days later, having missed my seventh birthday and my dad nowhere to be seen.”

I huffed a small chuckle, reaching up to rub at my eyes before turning to face Matty. I wasn’t quite prepared for the wet gaze I’d been met with or the single tear that had seemingly escaped and come to a pause on the bridge of his upper lip.

I lifted a hand up to wipe it away, smiling when he kissed the pad of my thumb.

“You’re incredible, you know that.”

I’d been called many things, but I don’t think incredible was one of them.

I leaned in to kiss him, wanting nothing more than the feel of having him close, even if that meant tasting the salt of his tears or enduring that careful way he held my face. It was everything I had needed then.

–

After the little moment I had shared with Matty the previous night, I’d gone to bed feeling a little more drained that usual, but I’d put it down to the exhausting day I’d had and the fact that Matty’d had to head home so that he could do a skype interview early the next morning.

I’d almost been tempted to say that he could do it here in the flat, but with Teddy you could never tell when the kid would be coming or going, so it was safer for Matty to stick to his typical routine.

But I’d woken up all sniffly and foggy headed the next morning. The pounding at the base of my skull had forced me up out of bed in search of painkillers, as well as the fact that it had just gone ten, which meant that Teds was already up and mulling about.

I took a couple of nurofen I had tucked away in the medicine cupboard with a glass of water and figured I’d be better getting a move on with my day than heading back to bed. I knew that Matty would be popping round sooner or later too, so I attempted to sort through a load of washing that desperately needed to be done as well as tidy away the mess we’d created last night.

Teddy had helped himself to a banana from the fruit bowl at some point but was already asking for breakfast by the time I’d stuck the washing machine on- unaware of how close to crying I’d been after I’d gone and dropped a wad of detergent on the floor.

Even so, I’d set to start on a pot of porridge, knowing he would enjoy it with either some jam or spread, but I was surprised when I heard the front door rattle shut not long later, having not heard a knock nor Teddy answer it. I went to scold him, frowning at the fact that he thought he could just answer the door to anyone when Matty appeared with a few Tesco bags in hand.

“I knocked on the window, so he saw me before he let me in,” Matty was quick to rush out, grinning down at Teddy who had since spotted his breakfast and made a dive for it. “Figured I’d grab some stuff before stopping in, knew you mentioned feeling crap last night before I left so..”

He shrugged, moving over towards the kitchen before I could even think up a reply, a little bewildered by the fact that anyone would have the foresight, let alone the sincerity to do something like this for me.

“Matty.” I breathed out, so utterly warmed by the gesture as I followed after him, “You didn’t have to.”

Matty rolled his eyes at me, settling the bags down on the counter, “Shut up, you idiot. Just let me feel like an adult for once, yeah?”

I laughed, unable to help myself, even as he gestured for me to take a seat at the table, claiming I looked a little warm and confirming it when he pressed his hand to my rosy cheeks. 

“Do you ever stop?” He questioned around an exasperated smile, settling some basic cold medicines down as well as a few sweet treats. “Washing machine’s already going, the kid’s been fed, floor seems to have been swept too. How’ve you not dropped?”

I rolled my eyes at his ever growing eccentrics, though was still wearing a rather pleased smile. It was nice, I deemed, having someone look after me for once.

“I can’t stop, babe, got things to do, a tiny person to look after!”

Matty just shook his head at that, obviously not too happy with my retort, “Guess we’re just gonna have a lazy day then, yeah? Got snacks, popcorn even. Reckon Teds will enjoy it. I can even take him out to the park for a bit, just to let him run off some of that energy.”

I blinked at the maddening man stood before me. Wondering what I’d done to deserve all of the things he'd done for me. And without having even been asked.

“Haven’t you got stuff to do?” I queried, content to simply watch him unpack the shopping he’d bought.

Matty shrugged a single shoulder, wrapping up a carrier bag and tucking it into the stash I kept hidden beneath the sink. “Nothing important.”

“The interview went alright then?”

He hummed, putting a couple tins of soup away in a cupboard just above his head. “Yeah, fine. Hann did it with me, other guy was in Paris or some other, I think. Definitely French though.” His phone sounded then, but it seemed he’d left it in the pocket of his jacket which he’d gone and thrown over the back of a chair upon walking in. “Look at that for me, would you?” He asked, peering down at a carton of something or other, probably pondering over whether or not it went in the fridge.

I was only a little surprised by his request, but did so anyway, trying to find the phone in one of his many deep pockets. “Definitely French?” I prompted, smirking smugly over at him before my fingers finally found the device. “You sound so certain, Healy. Almost as though you’ve been taking notes on the French dialect, or something like it.”

Chuckling to himself, Matty flashed me a big smile from over his shoulder before turning away with a wink. “The French are fit, baby.”

I laughed lightly with a halfhearted shake of my head, then peered down at his phone, “Password?”

“0709.” He told me, and so with a slight pinch in odd wonderment I typed it in.

“Why that?” I couldn’t help but ask, only glancing up again when I heard the shuffle of his feet. I raised a single eyebrow. “What, is it like the death of your guinea pig or something?”

Matty’s face pitched itself into a hearty grimace that made me cackle. “My guinea pig? Who the fuck owns a guinea pig?” He shook his head at me, deciding it wasn’t worth the effort and instead said, “It’s the date we met.”

My eyes widened considerably. “Actually?”

With a light huff, he turned back to putting things away, “Thing gets lost or nicked more times than not, so I’m always changing my passwords. Figured I’d remember that one.”

“Matty!” I all but awed, honestly feeling the love. “You can be such a sap sometimes, you know that. The day we met!”

I received a glare in retort but I simply laughed at him before turning to look down at the message he’d just received. My forehead furrowed.

“You said you had nothing going on today!” I was quick to accuse, eyes flashing up to meet his somewhat startled face, “George’s party is tonight!”

Matty’s mouth formed a little ‘o’ before he merely shrugged, “G will get over it if I can’t make it. You need me here more, and besides, his birthday isn't even for a couple more days. They’re only throwin’ it tonight so that most people can make it.”

I looked heavenwards, hoping that the second pause would give me a little bit of strength. Did it fuck. “Matty, you’re not staying here with us when George, your best mate might I add, is out celebrating his birthday! He’ll want you there.”

“Squeaks, you’re sick. He’ll underst-”

I shook my head, “No, you’re going. I’ve got a little cold, nothing that’s gonna kill me. What will kill me though is you not going to be with G on his special day.”

Matty narrowed his eyes a tad, “Don’t guilt trip me.”

My next bout of laughter couldn’t be helped. “I’m not!”

With a scoff, Matty turned to put the carton he’d held in the side door of the fridge, shaking his head as though I was the one being outlandish. “It’s fine, alright?” He said once he’d spun back around, “I’d much prefer being here anyway.”

My head dropped to the side as I looked up at him, “Babe, please go. It would honestly mean a lot to me, but even more so to George. You know, who’s birthday it is. Go on. Please?”

Matty sighed and ended up dropping himself into the opposing chair, I slid his phone on over to him. “What about you though, and Teddy?” He asked and it was sweet, how much he cared. 

“We’ll be fine.” I assured him, reaching out to take his hand, “The party isn’t til later anyway, so how about we stick with your lazy day idea and then when you need to start heading out, I can just pop Teds in the bath and get him ready for bed.” When Matty still didn’t seem too keen on the idea, I squeezed his hand a tad and added, “You can even head back here after if you want.”

He perked up at that, but was still a little resistant to the whole idea of leaving.

“I promise we’ll be fine, love.”

And oh, did I wish that had been the truth.

#the 1975 #fic #matty healy #angst #radio host #reader #x reader #x you #george daniel #ross macdonald #the 1975 band #adam hann #fluff #humour #smut #matty healy fic #matty 1975 #matty healy x reader #matty x reader #matty healy x you #ao3 #fame #strangers to lovers #mum reader #kid fic #getting together #SLOWBURN #mutual pining #Warnings #aipoban

[lumibye]

˗ˋ ୨ - 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒘𝒓𝒂𝒑 𝒖𝒑 : 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 - ୧ ˊ˗

holidays are my only opportunity to be unapologetically sappy on this blog , i think . . . . ( /j ) and since it’s going to be 2024 in like 20 minutes here in australia i wanted to get this out before it gets too late into the night hehe also ! i have a lot i want to say 

( also comm showcase because i thought that'd be cute )

so it’s almost been a year since i properly ( there's no way to properly do it but you understand . . ) started self-shipping , i think ? and it's ( in all honesty ? ) helped me through much of the year i started this blog back in march i believe , but i consider our anniversary to be in may ( i thought it was august but a very silly girlie got dates mixed up with lore if you could believe ehe ; ) which . . is five months off but it still feels pretty close ! he’s become such an intrinsic and important part of my life now that it feels as if it’s always been this way i guess . i’ve said it before but his character is just so kind and gentle and caring but also he’s reminded be how lovely it is to actually romanticise life a little bit and how good it feels to embrace your passion/s i um . . i love him very much ? 🩵🥺

he’s such a genuine source of comfort and so very dear to my heart , and I truly think he’s going to be my love favourite forever and i can't wait to do more ship stuff in the coming year hehe ! i’ve been with this series for sixteen years now . because i'm old . ( /j ) it was such a huge staple of my childhood and maybe i’ll talk about it someday - i'd like to ! - because many of my dearest memories are centred around this franchise. perhaps this blog was always inevitable in that way , i like to joke about self shipping with him is like a long term membership bonus . . but either way , in a sense i feel so lucky i get to express my love for it in this way if that makes sense ?

marianne ( having been made this year ) is also important to me in a way that’s . . come to surprise me , honestly ? i haven’t had an ‘ oc ‘ in a very long while so perhaps i just forgot about how emotionally attached you can really become . it’s probably also no shock that despite being a self insert, she’s very personal to me . . as someone that admittedly struggles with quite a bit of negative self talk, being able to say i like these parts of myself that i implement into her character has been quite healing for me as well ! and being able to rediscover my love for collecting flowers and coffee was also something really fun to do ! to the person that designed her ( you know who you are hehe ) I’m so incredibly grateful you bought her to life. It truly does mean sm . . as well as to everyone that's drawn her of course hehe , im always so giddy to see my little beloveds drawn so prettyful !

i really can’t emphasise enough just how grateful i am for both the community and all of my really lovely moots. i’m rather quiet so i don’t talk a lot but the interactions i’ve had on here are soso special to me and i really do cherish them so much no matter how small . . i have so many fond memories this year of that alone and it makes me tearyy happy happy 2024 to you and your beloveds hehe - if you actually managed to sit through all this I’m actually spinning you around so so much you very lovely and sweet . I hope the new year is everything you want it to be ! sending you each and every one of my best wishes your waaay mwah mwah !

#: charm's chatting ✦ #⊱ long post ⊰ #⊱ gush post ⊰ #( art creds in alt txt ) #font sizing wont cooperate again ;

[subwaytostardew]

▲ Subway to Stardew - Ingo 10-Heart Event ▲

This plays after getting at least 10 hearts with Ingo and entering the Railroad after 7PM.

We made a few assets for this event! You can see the uncropped abandoned junction + stargazing maps and full Jirachi visual below! There's also some commentary on the process of making this event under the read-more!

Ingo’s 10-heart event was really fun to put together! And quite the process as well.

It really was! The idea of a stargazing date with Ingo was actually one of the first few event ideas we came up with... but it only really existed in imagery. We knew we wanted to have Ingo and the farmer stargaze atop an abandoned train car, but we weren't quite confident in how the event would play out exactly until quite recently (I actually only got the inspiration on how to finish it about 3 days ago! It sat partially done up until the Bidoof scene for a few months!).

During the idea phase, we were stumped on what to do for a 10-hearted event. Now I’m not the best when it comes to writing romance or dating scripts so when we came up with a stargazing event idea…. Let's say…. The draft sat dormant for about a week or two and I went off to write the other heart events or help with asset creating in between.

It underwent a lot of revisions after the draft was made, the original didn't even have Emmet come in at all! I didn't get the idea to make Emmet eavesdrop (super obviously intruding as per the manga) during Ingo's date until after I finished Ingo's 8-heart event. Ingo's 8-heart event was originally quite bare-bones itself, consisting of just a confession that you could either accept or reject and ends with a single line about getting teased by Emmet and Elesa (which is mostly there to write around the idea of dating both twins at the same time... it would be too hard to implement... in this mod they both have no idea how the other feels and their overall lack of communication comes into play in the 6-heart events). I wanted the idea of a library confession to be a little more interesting and specific to Ingo, so I decided to let him get blackmailed by the kids out of his sweet tooth. From there, I wanted to show exactly why Ingo would want to keep his love life a secret from Emmet for as long as possible- he's a menace. Station Stewardess Kade's area of expertise is angst so the original draft focused more on the stress of work... we ended up having more than enough events regarding that and how hard it is for the twins in the valley, so I tried my best to steer it more towards the cheesy romance that the vanilla 10 heart events tend to focus on. After everything, I thought Ingo needed some fluff and time to just enjoy himself with the person he loves while being himself at full-steam (along with Emmet... this is the first event where his engine is at full capacity for his usual antics). Ingo still does have a tendency to talk about his job, but I tried to change things to have him infodump about his interests (trains, Pokémon, and battling!) to show that- despite the challenges on the tracks ahead of him- he does truly enjoy his line of work!

Which helped spark many ideas! Especially with the telling of Jirachi! (I loved Pokémon and The Wish Maker)

Ingo is dedicated to his profession as a Battle Facility Head because he has an interest in Pokémon. We wanted to lean into how ideal he would be if he were tasked with spreading his knowledge in a land where Pokémon relations aren't commonplace. His memory would be great for kickstarting the creation of a Pokédex... Anyways! He really does appreciate the vastness of space and tends to become sidetracked. I was hoping to convey that during his infodump on Jirachi!

Jirachi itself was drawn by me (Station Stewardess Kade) while the background, clean-up, and amazing pixel shading were done by Station Steward Thylak! This is one of my favorite parts of this event! And they truly brought Jirachi to life that I would never be able to do. (Background-wise.. and pixel art-wise.)

Thank you to Station Stewardess Kade for drawing them! The drafts were really fun to see and polish up!! I've become more confident in my shading and pixel art because of this project!

So here are some early drafts of Jirachi and my poor first attempt at this pixel art. As well as a sketch draft of trying to visualize the event.

I ended up making the farmer leaning on Ingo visual into a map! It was originally going to be a visual like Jirachi's, but a whole event with two frames for all of Ingo's infodumping wouldn't be very immersive... It would be hard to add in things like the usual 10-heart event kisses and animations. They were originally going to sit and look up at the stars but..... farmer animations are finicky. The game does not like making the farmer sit in events if not from the side... even then, I can't do anything about the shadows not being in the right place. If I try to add in any other sitting frames for the farmer, they turn into a bowling pin.

The original Jirachi drawings were actually too big for a Stardew map so I had to resize them using the dimensions of Sebastian's mountain scene as a reference (I didn't realize that his 10-heart event has special handling that forces the camera to be zoomed out at the max setting to properly frame the entire map until it was too late... Oh well! I'm happy with the pan effect I added to counter that!). The final background/Millennium Comet takes inspiration from the comet in Maru's event!

Funny enough while Jirachi was currently being drawn, Pokémas had just recently released the Tate and Liza Sync Pair event - Twin Stars Far Apart (I got Tate and Jirachi as a Sync Pair pull!)

It was a fun coincidence! We wanted this event to be fluffy with a tinge of bittersweetness/impending doom from alluding to Ingo getting sent to Hisui in the future... Jirachi didn't relate to that much but then Pokémas decided to split another pair of twins apart!

Now we have also made a custom map! I made the area map while Thylak did any cleanup and adjustments, and also did the custom map for the actual stargazing bit. It was my first time using Tiled! Below are some of the map processes.

Kade is really good at planning out map layouts! I was surprised at how quickly she learned how to use Tiled! The bush that the Bidoof disappears into was added on a whim. It was originally going to disappear into the bush to the right but... I got impatient waiting for it to walk all the way over there. Our events are long enough already.

We have some events in mind, that will have assets just like this - we truly want to put in the work and effort for this mod, there’s only so much story you can tell when using plain vanilla maps. This is honestly one of my favorite events I have worked on with Thylak, and I’m excited about what else is in store! (*Gives big hug to Thylak*)

I'm really happy with how this event turned out too! Thank you to Kade for coming up with the ideas and scripts for me to polish! You do so much!! The other events may take a while to finish as we need to make more maps and assets, but we hope you like seeing them! We don't quite have a script or know how Emmet's events will play out yet exactly, but they should be fun if Ingo's event process is anything to go by!

We also want everyone to know (this was brought up and mentioned in the Tumblr comments of the last Ingo Heart event we posted)

We are aware that not everyone will want to date the twins in this mod! The main focus of the mod is to rebuild the railroad but to also enjoy the characters that are Ingo and Emmet through both Canon and some Fanon interpretations! Even though we are following the basic Stardew Valley format when it comes to villagers (Bachelors and Bachelorettes) we plan to after the first initial release of the mod make a Platonic Relationship version! Many of the heart events will have to be redone during that time! (Ingo mostly… Emmet is easy to do)

Yes... I had a more clear idea of how Emmet's heart progression would go when starting to make this mod (he's slow to trust people and is iffy on the farmer until 6-hearts in but then gets verrrry attached to his best friend) but weren't quite sure what a particularly meaningful friendship with Ingo would go. Since we were referencing the vanilla Stardew Valley events/heart progressions for Ingo, his development is more romantic in nature. When we do create full-platonic routes for the twins, Ingo's progression will need a complete overhaul while Emmet will only need changes from 8-hearts onwards.

We truly want this mod to be enjoyable for those of you who don’t want to date or are uncomfortable with the notion of dating a fictional character (Myself and Thylak are okay with this since we created OCs/Self Inserts and we create and share stories with each other, during our time working on the mod)

We do know a lot of people project onto submas and would prefer there to be platonic options when playing their heart progressions! Even without that, I feel like a platonic route for Ingo is much needed since playing with the intent to romance Emmet alone is a bit awkward at the moment (I personally don't have much of a choice since I need to code and debug all of the events anyways, but I still feel bad betraying Emmet! He doesn't like sharing!).

The focus is actually the story of Ingo and Emmet being in Stardew Valley. And that can be told either through the Dating Route or the future Platonic Route.

If anyone has any ideas or input regarding how they would want a Platonic Route with Ingo to go, please feel free to share them with us! We have... no idea how that will play out just yet.

For now, though we have the basic Stardew Dating Vanilla format, and on the future track’s ahead a Platonic Relationship format.

With all that said, we look forward to sharing more about the mod. I hope you enjoy the process breakdown.

Thank you for reading! We hope you enjoy what we're conducting!

- ▷ Station Steward Thylak and ◁ Station Stewardess Kade

#submas #pokemon #stardew valley #sdv mods #Ingo #Emmet #Nobori #Kudari #subway to stardew #subway to stardew terminal station #events #station steward shenanigans

[blues824]

Greetings! Here's some milk and cookies 🍪🥛, but for my request can I have the obey me side characters with Frankenstein reader from Noblesse?

Frankenstein is the most powerful human to ever exist and is Raizel's devoted servant. He made a contract with the Noblesse in the past and avoids the noble leaders but supports Raizel wholeheartedly, addressing Raizel as his "Master". After Raizel's apparent "disappearance" and betrayal at the hands of ex noble leaders, he had tried searching for his master to no avail. Frankenstein even left the Nobles and went into hiding to search for Raizel because he had suspicions that there could be a possibility that one or more of the Nobles contributed to his master's disappearance.

Frankenstein is also the principal and director of Ye Ran High School. He established the school hoping that some day his master would return and wished to provide a place where his master could lead a normal life. He was stunned to find Raizel in his school office after Raizel had woken up from 820 years of slumber, dressed in the school uniform.

Now, Frankenstein fights not only for his Master but also for everyone who is under his protection. Frankenstein shows concern for his Master when Raizel uses too much power or removes the seal that restrains the immense power of his "Soul Weapon". This worry is due to the opinion previously stated by Frankenstein that Raizel's body hasn't recovered even though he went into an extensive hibernation. Frankenstein worries a lot about his Master. He trains very hard to become stronger to prevent Raizel from using his power.

Frankenstein, like his Master Raizel, is very handsome and elegant. He is tall and has shoulder-length silky blond hair, with bright blue eyes and a cheerful smile. When he becomes overly boisterous, his aura changes and he sports a sadistic grin with an equally sadistic personality to match. He is regularly dressed in formal attire but has been seen to switch to a more casual style when at home. He wears glasses when performing his duties as Chairman of the school and has also been seen wearing monocles during flashbacks of him carrying out his research work hundreds of years ago

Maybe if you could add in like some feelings catching if you don't mind

Since gender wasn’t specified, I decided to keep it gender-neutral but more targeted towards a male reader. Also, I tend to stray away from physical appearances like blonde hair, blue eyes, etc. Reader is still handsome and elegant though.

Diavolo

Since your master was absent, you felt as though you needed someone to be loyal to, so why not pledge your undying loyalty to the Prince of the Devildom? Of course, this is in a different manner because you're pledging your loyalty as his significant other rather than as a servant.

Aside from Barbatos, you were his voice of reason. You understood when Diavolo had to cancel date plans because he had too much paperwork to be doing, and you often switched the date up to you two spending time together filling out the paperwork.

Because of your experience with running a school, you often gave suggestions to Diavolo on how to make things run smoother. You would have thought that the entire system was flipped upside down by how many changes you implemented.

Barbatos

You two truly understood each other because you both were advisors for Diavolo who acted on the behalf of RAD. In that, you both really got to understand each other. Working for the heir to the throne could be exhausting, and Barbatos is continually impressed as you prove to be efficient in your work even though you were human.

When you both started going out, dates were very rare and in-between because you were both so busy. However, your boss could see the tension between you and forced you both to take a day off to go on a date. You both had a lot of fun… if you know what I mean…

Anyways, the butler often is surprised at how well you offer knowledge not just as an advisor to Diavolo, but also as a friend. You both have been around for a while, but sometimes he even goes to seek your council on certain subjects.

Solomon

He has seen you in the human realm, and he is impressed by your abilities and dedication to serving Diavolo. However, there were a few times where he wanted to spend time with you but you declined and said that you were too busy. 

Eventually, he just takes you by the hand and leads you to a meadow where a picnic was set up. Solomon had let the Royals know what happened to you, and he had to tell you that it was fine to take a break every once in a while.

You were actually a big help in the whole student exchange program, even though you were one of the humans picked. Since this was a testing phase of the program, you played a huge part not only as a guinea pig, but also the one who formulates the questions on how it could do better. Solomon often helps you do this because he, too, is an exchange student.

Simeon

Up in the Celestial Realm, you were a big topic of debate. You were one of the strongest humans alive, and you could possibly pose a threat to the other Realms. However, Simeon only saw the good side. He finally understood Lilith and her actions, because he was in love.

When in the exchange program, he finds it hard to talk to you not just because he’s nervous but because you were a busybody. Your dedication to Diavolo was admirable, but also quite frustrating as he just wanted to spend time with his favorite human.

He often tries to help you in your work, and this doesn’t stop when you are together either. He always tries to lessen your workload. On another note, as he’s writing the next few volumes of TSL, he incorporates a character that was exactly like you.

#obey me #obey me! #obey me x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me shall we date x reader #lord diavolo #lord diavolo x reader #om! diavolo #obey me diavolo x reader #obey me diavolo #diavolo x reader #obey me barbatos x reader #om! barbatos #barbatos x reader #obey me barbatos #barbatos #obey me solomon x reader #solomon obey me #solomon x reader #solomon #obey me solomon #obey me simeon x reader #obey me simeon #simeon x reader #simeon

[mrjakeparker]

First off, for anyone who needs a primer on AI Generated Art here's a concise video on the subject to get you up to speed: LINK I used Midjourney I started out with these prompts to see what I would get: Astronaut with a skull head +skull + skeleton + red spacesuit + character design + full body + red + sci-fi + star wars + Ralph McQuarrie + Jake Parker, cartoon, cartoon network, adventure time style. Then I thought I'd mix it up and see what prompts like octane render + 3d would give me. I didn't like what I was getting so I went back to my original prompts but added rubberhose animation + pixar + disney + 3d. The results were better, so I asked for more variations. When I got them I decided I was getting diminishing returns and called it a day. Lots of interesting ideas to put into my design, but no one design really felt like it nailed the vibe I got from my original design. After this experiment here's what I think:

1) AI Art Generators will only become more powerful/capable. So wishing it away is a waste of time. The only path forward is figuring it out how to implement it and how to regulate it. 2) With revolutionary technology comes a reorganization of status and power. The status quo HATES this and will do almost anything to stop it from happening.

AI Generated Art shifts the power (and wealth) of creating images from people who have training, to people who don't.

This reorganization happened in the 2000s when programs like Maya, 3D Studio Max, and Photoshop made art creation a lot more accessible to people who couldn't paint traditionally, or sculpt clay.

It allowed places like animation studios to be havens for creative people to make art who might not have been able to draw really well. Which really upset people who had trained to animate in 2D on paper, and who studied classical painting techniques. Which leads me to 3: 3) Not everyone who is creative can make art, and not everyone who can make art is creative. The creative people who could also adapt and learn new tools absolutely thrived in the new digital art world.

A lot of the art I've seen generated from AI is a lot like hearing someone impersonate English but who doesn't know the language. It sounds right, but they aren't actually saying anything.

4) I see these AI Art generators as tools. Another resource for creative people to add to their toolbox to make them even more creative. Or at the very least, make their job easier.

5) AI isn't an end to end problem solver for productions. There's still a needs to be an artist to translate it into something usable. Someone needs to interpret AI art into something a modeler can model, or set designer can build.

Example: After a producer plugs a bunch of prompts from a script into Midjourney they take it to the art dept. The crew gets a brief from an art director and instead of a lot of back and forth, the art director points at a page of AI art and says "Make it look like this"

6) Questions I’m still thinking about:

- Do these AI Art Generators actually undermine illustrators, photographers, concept artists? Or does it actually elevate these industries?

- Is it bad to democratize something like art creation?

- Who truly benefits from this shift in power? Where is the money flowing to?

- Should artists have the option of their artwork being removed from the AI generator's databases? Or is any art you post online free game? Does the AI generator do anything different than what an artist does who has strong stylistic influences from other artists?

7) I'm still learning about this, and still reading up on all the pros and cons.

I would love to know your thoughts. 

We've been discussing it over on the Discord for a couple weeks now: LINK

I also posted this on IG and it blew up. I could not keep up with the comments. Over 750 of them! If you want to get a vibe check on what the broader art community thinks of this check it out here: LINK

-Jake

[mdazzle151]

Content creation and the things I miss

Being on an indefinite hiatus has really made me think a lot about what I did and didn’t enjoy about content creation as a whole, and it’s been pretty eye opening.

Obviously, there’s parts of it that I miss. The community, namely. But there’s other things too. I miss streaming- it was always really fun to be live and able to chat directly with my audience in real time while we draw together.

The redesign videos were really fun to make as well! I still have ideas of what I want the future redesigns to be for the “phantasi revamp”. I think I want the twins to be sea monsters! I’ve had a general idea of what I think they would look like in my head for a long time, but I never got around to doing it before I left.

I’m never sure if it’s self-centred or not- (recently I’ve been leaning towards not self-centred)- but I watch my videos a lot too. I put a lot of work and love into all of them, especially the later ones, and it’s fun to look back on them. Not to toot my own horn, but I think they’re pretty entertaining! 

There’s parts of editing that I miss- it was always a long process, but I can honestly say I enjoyed every part of it. Sometimes it was just hard to find the motivation to finish.

I still get comments every now and then on videos, and I read them all. Some of them are really sweet-actually a good majority of them are really sweet! One person wished me a happy birthday in March and it just about made me cry /pos

I’ve been enjoying interacting on Tumblr, and I still want to take things slow, but the more the days pass, the more tempted I am to start streaming again.

Part of me is disappointed in that felling, but I’m trying to be easy on myself for that. There’s no way I could’ve known how I would feel now, seven months later. Five if you’re counting from December.

The deal I made with myself was that I would stay “offline” for a minimum of six months- and ideally would be gone for two years so I could focus on my studies.

But honestly, if I’m missing content creation this much only six-ish months in, I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to that two year milestone. Maybe I won’t, maybe I will, but I need to remind myself that healing happens at different speeds. Maybe I thought I needed a longer time to heal and I just didn’t. Maybe I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m still figuring it out, I’m trying to take it slow.

Exploring my comfort on Tumblr has been interesting to say the least! It’s been fun, and I haven’t had anxiety around it. I’m really happy. I haven’t been focussing on the numbers or amount of interaction. I’ve just been having fun sharing my thoughts and drawings, which is what I want out of content creation.

When I left seven months ago, it was because of bad mental health and connecting self-worth to what I’m able to create. I still struggle with self-worth, but I think I’ve successfully separated it from my creativity- and in doing so, I’ve realized that I love Contant creation because of the creativity- not the possibility for opportunity.

I’ve noticed a pattern in every aspect of content creation that I have longed for in my time away. Everything I’ve had an itch to do has had to do with sharing creativity and passion for the art of creation. Where I used to think about play buttons and numbers and conventions- I now think about all the little details that I love about making videos and comics and stories.

Script writing, editing, recording voice overs, implementing comedy, delivering a message, exploring my artistic boundaries, over analyzing my old work, teaching others what I taught myself… there’s so much that I enjoy about it, and it makes my heart blossom knowing that THESE are the parts of being a CC that I miss, not the analytics and competition.

I’ve said for years that I see it as a hobby- a creative outlet for me and my community, and I truly believe that! But I’d be a liar if I said it was always this way. There were definitely times where I was focussing way too much on the career aspect of it, even though I haven’t wanted that to be my career for years now.

This break has really been good for me and my mental health- and it’s been really good for me to reconnect with what I actually enjoy about what I did.

I know that I’ll always struggle with mental health in some capacity- this isn’t something that you can just miracle away, after all. It’s going to be something that I struggle with for a lifetime, and even though that’s a hard pill to swallow, I’m slowly accepting it. I won’t ever be 100% okay, and that’s okay. what’s important to me is that I keep my heart happy and find joy in life- remember what I love and why I love it.

I get a little burst of excitement in my stomach when I think about returning too much. I’m not sure when it will happen, and I’m still not going to say it will happen (I have no idea what the future holds), but for now I can say wholeheartedly that I do hope I will return soon, wether soon means next month or next year.

Have a little excerpt from one of my journal entries, as a treat :) I think it explains my feelings pretty well.

“I still think about my past online, but not nearly as much as I used to. It’s just part of my history and that’s okay. Charlotte knows it all, she was there for it all, and so were my friends and family. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. And that feels really nice.” - March 19 2024

(Maybe it’s a little ironic since I did just explain myself in great detail- but I think it’s important to note that I wrote this all because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to.)

Merci beaucoup, tout le monde. Bonne journée et à bientôt.

#chatting but longer (thoughts) #long post

[waffleweirdo]

Umineko starts with Battler complaining about his name, but wow did Battler battle.

I ramble about my thoughts on Umineko, this will probably contain spoilers so be warned

Well when I first started I didn’t think Umineko would be any longer than maybe 30 hours at most… oh how wrong I was… it ended up taking me 110 hours and 2 months to finish.

I think the experience of reading Umineko was very interesting. It was my first time reading a visual (or maybe second, if you count Slay the Princess, which is far more interactive and far shorter than Umineko so they feel pretty different to me). That medium itself was interesting. Whenever I need to think of a really niche superpower I’d like to have I always say I wish that I could have the ability to play perfectly fitting music as I read a book, and in that sense Umineko delivered. I also played with a mod that adds voice acting as I saw that that was recommended and overall I thought the addition of sound was far more significant than the addition of visuals to me. I first thought that there would be a lot more interactivity, as in choices that decided branching story paths or outcomes, and was at first disappointed when I found out there was virtually no interactivity. However soon after I began to accept it as truly just a book that I was reading with added visuals and sounds than a game. Which made it hit even harder when 100 hours in it had interactivity!! Even though those riddles were all super simple they were some of the most I’ve been involved in gameplay in recent memory which was fascinating. (A similar effect to Bern’s mystery, which I think was just as well implemented, just lacking that same initial surprise). My largest takeaway from Umineko was that it was incredibly taxing to read- far more than reading a book, and I think even more than a game as well in many cases. I’d be interested to seeing if this was thanks to Umineko itself (as it was a very dense story that made me stop and think a lot) or a consequence of visual novels as a medium. Ultimately I’m honestly surprised I managed to finish it, there were some times it was a genuine struggle (I think in general I’ve noticed myself being less able to complete really long stories such as lengthy rpgs so this was really impressive). There were a few moments where it felt like the games were dragging on, even though ultimately I think it was all worth it, and in hindsight was all great there were some times where the pace dragged.

Ultimately Umineko as a visual novel was a fascinating new experience for me, and I’ll be interested to see what aspects of that differ based on the vn itself, or are inherent to the medium (I guess I’ll find out when I read El Dorado!)

Characters are often what stands out to me throughout a story, and I think what stuck out to me so much about Umineko’s cast is that I couldn’t hate any of them. Which is I think an immense compliment to the success of the writing, themes, and characterization. I think, generally, I shouldn’t be able to wholeheartedly hate a person, and while of course these aren’t real people Umineko does such a good job of fleshing them out that despite their greatest sins they are too ‘real’ for me to truly hate. Of course this is also a large part of Umineko’s thematic core as well, and the way that it communicates this, necessity for love and understanding through the characters over the course of the story as it builds up to the climax which cements those very same ideals is just excellently done.

Honestly I thought at many points that the cast was surely getting so large that I couldn’t possibly keep up, but by the end they all had such distinct personalities and made up an excellent ensemble. Even many of the smaller side characters are wonderful, and I’m having a genuinely hard time thinking of my favorite characters which is always an excellent sign.

In all honesty I don’t think I can talk about Battler, or Beato, or Ange at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I loved all of them, but their characters are too significant I just need to sit with them for a while longer and think about them while I let the impact of Umineko settle… I’m sure I’ll be thinking about Umineko a lot for the foreseeable future…

That being said some of my favorites from the side characters (I don’t say that to diminish their importance at all, just the way I think of the cast in my head):

Dlanor is wonderful. At first I wasn’t sure what to make of her as her first appearance was alongside Erika who at the time I had very tumultuous feelings about (oh I’ll get to her), but after Dlanor’s scene with Beato and Battler in the Golden Land was so sweet, and the realization that she is just always so excited to be involved in an actual mystery instead of being forced to stamp documents all day is so funny. She’s great!!

I liked all of the servants a lot, Shannon and Kanon are in a similar boat to Battler and the others that I don’t quite think I can properly talk about them at the moment, but in general they were all great! The more I learned about Gohda the more he changed from being annoying to somewhat silly, overzealous, but still a bit annoying (in a nice way this time) was sweet. Genji was probably my first favorite character, he was just cool, and juxtaposing him with Ronovoe was excellent. Kumasawa would probably be my pick for my favorite, her constant playful attitude combined with genuine care was so sweet, and her backstory with beato was, probably my favorite reveal besides beato’s backstory herself…

Furudo Erika huh. Fascinatingly she might’ve been the character that stood out the most to me. My first impression was genuine admiration that they had managed to craft a character so incredibly pitiful and simultaneously terrifying, but of course Umineko didn’t stick with such a simplistic character even if it was a fascinating characterization. Her growth isn’t quite right… largely she didn’t change a ton, but her narrative reframing was fascinating (that’s not to say she didn’t grow much that’s bad, narrative reframing is super cool). The scene that has stuck with me the most is her moment with Dlanor in the 6th game as she gives Dlanor a mystery to solve, “but you still haven’t disproved my five blue truths that I love you” is soooooooo. In a story such as Umineko that isn’t really about solving a mystery, but about love, Erika as an antagonistic force, especially a force similar to how I as a player likely went into the story with (wanting to find the culprit and solve the mystery) is so cool. Anyways Erika is great and I will likely have, “such reasoning is possible for Furudo Erika” stuck in my head permanently.

While I don’t have a lot to say about the entirety of the cast there are some notable witches I haven’t mentioned yet. Anyways I freaked out when Bern first appeared in the 1st tea party. I knew this was made by the same person/team who made Higurashi, but I had no idea they were so connected, but woooow were they connected. New my experience with Higurashi is a little bit wild… first and foremost I’ve only watched the tv show, and reading through this really did make me wonder how much I would’ve gained reading the Higurashi vns as well, and that’s still something I’m interested, but my god I do not have another vn that long in me for a while and certainly not until after el dorado so I might just go back and rewatch the show… but that’s all a tangent. When I first watched Higurashi I managed to start with Gou which I had no idea was the third season and due to the way that the fragments and Rika’s looping were depicted I just assumed ‘oh it’s nonlinear storytelling I’ll learn the context later (if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me I’d have an embarrassing like eight nickels…), but anyways that is to say that Higurashi was a crazy experience for me, but one that redefined how I thought of psychological horror completely. And when I did eventually go back to watch the original and Kai I loved the story even more. Heck even though I was sort of confused by and didn’t like Sotsu as much after reading Umineko I have a whole new appreciation for it. I’ll be honest I sort of forgot the point I was trying to get at here, but ultimately, I love Bern and Lambda and seeing their fun little proxy wars with Battler and Beato was a wild ride.

Though while the characters are certainly incredible what blew me away the most about Umineko was it’s themes. I entered into Umineko knowing basically nothing besides that it was made by the same people as Higurashi, and I had first watched Higurashi on a complete whim while clueless and I loved it, so I wanted to do the same here. In that respect my first impressions were largely a way, I wonder what this will be about, quickly turning into curiosity about the mystery of the murders during the first game. Which quickly shifted back to hoping Battler believes in the which rather than finding a culprit. Which is perhaps in broad strokes the ultimate emotional journey I had while reading. But. Umineko had me on a rollercoaster of that same dilemma over and over again. That exact switch of hoping to solve the murder, vs hoping for the fantasy of the witch to win and back forth happened many times. I cannot express how effectively and masterfully Umineko manipulated my emotions. It truly felt like a battle between mystery and fantasy… but just when I got comfortable thinking that way it was proven that was wrong too. Beato’s games weren’t a battle, the truth didn’t need to be ruthlessly exposed, without love it cannot be seen. I truly don’t think there is a way that I can describe Umineko’s themes better than the way it does itself. They hit a bullseye on my heart dozens of times, and really might genuinely change my world view. I mean it’s a beautiful story about love, and trust, and hope… it’s spectacular, and spectacularly conveyed. The constant manipulation of expectations that kept me on a rollercoaster while also walking the simple path that would lead to the thematic was so good. It is done so that throughout the whole story I felt clueless, yet when the reveals began to happen, and it was time to start understanding the story it felt crystal clear from the start.

So uh, that was a lot of words to say that Umineko is really good and I liked it

#umineko

[hanilessa]

I'm the same anon who gives you the model Au idea. I have another one to share

This one might be Fatui Harbinger!childe or Mafia!childe both are fine.

You both have been in a relationship for 5 months. You know nothing about him while.. Well… he knows everything.

You were trying to get any information from him but all he was saying was that his work is too dangerous and he doesn't want you to get involved.

You weren't stupid. You know he is a dangerous man but you played this game with him. You fell for him hard.

Once a week you had sex in your apartment. You never visit his house (you doubt if he has one or not because he never tells you). He always likes to spend his time with you like any normal lovers.

Until you had enough of him being mysterious you decided to ask him about it and if he never answered you would end everything between the two of you.

You waited for him one night but he never showed up

For 3 days he didn't show up.

a whole week passed with no texts from him or anything about him.

You start to get worried that maybe something happened to him but you don't know what to do because yeah you know nothing about him nothing about his work or his friends.

Now it's 3 months you gave up. Maybe he doesn't want you anymore or he just left you like this.

For you surprised you received a package. There is nothing wrote on it.

You suspected at first hesitate to open it.

You close your eyes and then start to open and see what is inside.

Your eyes widened. You were shocked. It was a phone with a hole in the middle of the screen. You covered your mouth with a lot of thoughts running through your heads. You didn't know how to react.

You know who is the owner of this phone and you wish you didn't.

It was him.

It was his phone.

Tears start to fall from your eyes without you realising that you have seen a small note inside. You grabbed the note and read what was written on there loudly.

“Dear y/n,

You may not know who I am but I know you very well, he was talking about you nonstop with his dead eyes sparkling. It was my first time seeing him like this happy with shiny blue eyes.

He did that to protect you, to protect your information so they can't reach you. I hope you understand his situation and forgive him because he truly loved you.

I can't meet you so I decided to send you that package.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope the best for you.

Morax.

(he ki//ed himself just to protect the only one he truly loved)

anon… anon ANON… I'M IN TEARS you made me cry with this idea 😭😭😭 this is really so sad and when i read this text it hurt so much :(( i was so sad when i read zhongli's letter. i wish there was a happy ending for both of them omg i'm saddened

tbh when i think of mafia!childe i immediately picture him so dominant and hot. you know his image is so cocky, inspiring fear in others. he's in such an expensive, strict suit with a guns in his hands… oh, i'm in love. and we're next to him! so sweet, small, in a cute little dress (i'm even planning to buy cute clothes to match this look hehehe) omg when i think about hot moments in mafia au this is just insane I WANT TO WRITE THIS

sweetie, thank you for sharing your ideas! I REALLY LOVE THIS! you have a good imagination, and i will be glad if you continue to share your ideas with me. right now my mind is mostly filled with cute ideas for hhfl that i can FINALLY implement because y/n and childe are finally together. can't wait to share it with you <3

#— you ask me ♡ ;

[havin-fun-imagining-twd]

hi oh my goodness i never leave comments on fanfics or anything online really but i just. Need u to know.

ur slowpoke series is so!! Unbelievably good!! very silly to say perhaps but its like u reached into my brain and found the perfect little combination of things for a TWD fic its absolutely lovely. the most recent chapter - Souls Stripped Bare - WOW. i mean wow. The description of "closeness" to refer to what i can only imagine is that growing care (and potential for outright love) between the reader and daryl is so damn excellent it inspired me to start writing again. i love the way you handled both the reader and daryl's trauma responses / panic attacks. i find a lot of people neglect that aspect (acting out in ways that are more outright vulnerable, as opposed to just "lashing out") of trauma in fics - or rather they just can't quite write it.

i also am a Huge Fan of how slowly you're building the foundation for daryl and the reader, as well as the attention to detail, and the found family aspect. a lot of slow burn fics are lovely, but it is very rare that you see someone truly take the time to build it like this, and my goodness is it a pleasure. i love the formatting too, with the episodes acting as a guide. it makes it really easy to imagine yourself sitting in the scene.

as a final note bc i am writing a bit much (apologies for overwhelm!!) i love Love the way you have the reader's personality written so much. the usage of the accent combined with saying "man" and "dude" etc feels very laid-back and realistic. the inclusion of migraines is handled excellently. the way the reader is hot-headed but has a bit more understanding of how to cool down than daryl or the others. i love that the reader is almost a bridge between characters; helping to smoothe over miscommunications otherwise unresolved in the show, or just simply being there as a friend when they need it. i love the need to feel useful, and simple things like trying to make light of situations. i think it molds well with daryl platonically and romantically, but i also think its a perfect and much needed member amongst the rest of the cast.

thank you for writing all these lovely silly little chapters, you are undeniably talented and have made these past few days so much easier on my shoulders.

the only thing i wish for more of is GN writing or more usage of they/them pronouns, but the way you've implemented them so far is already a standup job compared to the majority of fics (especially daryl x readers and TWD fics). im trans so i definitely take more note of these things, and i really appreciate you giving the heads up for pronouns in every chapter!

This is just about the most thought out message I've ever received, thank you! It’s like you reached into my brain and found the perfect things to compliment.

And to know that you've begun writing? Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, write what you want, write what you love, write what you dig and roll with it, friend, go kick some ass and write your heart out!

Seriously, write, write, write! It's so important for developing and maintaining cognitive capacity, for emotional regulation, and so many other brain functions. Plus, it's just wicked fun ;)

And thank you, I try to write the reader as a character that fits into the show, sticks with canon (barring S10 Leah, that’ll be reworked to platonic) and is meant to be there, and the chapters are meant to meld right along with the episodes and follow their plots and dialogue. My goal was to offer escapism that didn’t feel too forced or foreign, so sticking with the show and canon is my blueprint and guide.

As for reader’s characterization, them fitting with Daryl’s characterization and that the pairing moves slowly was very important for how I wanted to portray it, I’m glad you find that it’s working.

Thank you for brightening my Monday and setting a good tone for the upcoming week, anonymous slowpoke. God bless!

#anonymous message #anonymous #Anon #thank you! #the Slowpoke series

[allgather]

“  i made you cry.  and i hate myself for that.  i swore i wouldn’t be one of the people who left you hurting.  ” @ iruka :)

he isn’t proud of it, but iruka avoids kakashi in the days following his return.

they’d spoken when he’d first crossed the threshold into the village, half dead, but miraculously still alive, and again in the privacy of his apartment. there is just so much motion, so many injuries to fuss over for kakashi and naruto both, so many practical matters to attend to, that iruka doesn’t utter a word about it until they are well and truly alone. and then he is silent, perfectly still, and it is absolutely deafening. hands that he doesn’t care to conceal have been picked raw grip the back of a chair at his kitchen table, an implement to steady himself. he looks down at them, breathes deeply, but it comes across more like he’s seething, as he lets himself feel it fully. the quiet anger that grows out of his control. iruka calls kakashi selfish that night and doesn’t raise his eyes when he speaks. selfish and careless are the words he uses, delivered with grit teeth and a voice that almost chokes on the weight of them. this really hurt me. you really hurt me, kakashi.

and iruka wishes he was like any other shinobi than himself, but he isn’t, so his anger intermingles with the grief and the hurt and the terror. he cries. standing across the room from his lover, not allowing him to touch, maintaining distance in all ways. iruka cries and the anger is so visceral, so raw like his still bleeding heart, he’s sure kakashi feels it, too. before he asks him to leave, iruka peels himself from the chair and tells kakashi he loves him. that of course, of course he’s overjoyed and utterly relieved that he is here, alive, with him. old habits die hard, and iruka insists on looking him over before he goes, thorough though his mind is preoccupied and his eyes refuse to quite meet kakashi’s gaze. then iruka sends him away to sleep alone, in a house full of ghosts.

things are busy, or at least iruka keeps them busy, in the intervening days. a loss like asuma's shakes the village and, especially, a number of his former students. it shakes iruka, too, undoubtably. a friend so close they were practically brothers; a loss he feels like it is physical. but his instincts kick in when he sees how the young nin of this village mourn and he extends a hand towards them without a second thought, devotes his waking hours to visiting with shikamaru, ino, choji, and konohamaru in turn. they are hurting, but they smile when they see him and iruka is lightened, ever-so-slightly, that he can be there to feel their grief alongside them. the days are long and emotional, and iruka cries every night, his thoughts pulled to kakashi and that still-raw hurt more than a few times.

it is three days of teaching, followed by bringing meals and condolences to former students, before iruka visits the hatake residence. he has been here before many times, but never like this, never hurting so badly, never quite so nervous. iruka feels cold as he walks up to the front step, and he isn't sure if its the exhaustion or the hurt settling into his bones at last. both, likely, the way he's kept himself moving to avoid thinking of it too much. he brings dinner with him here, too, knocks gently and, when kakashi answers, apologizes for how long its taken him to check-in ( and he means it. he hasn't meant to be angry for so long or to pull away in his hurt, but it was easier, just this once, to choke those feelings back in the midst of other, more pressing crises. to set this wound aside while iruka did what he is best at; caring for the wounds of others. but now he arrives, ready to stitch the two of them back together, too ).

they sit in the living room, opposite one another, and iruka forces himself to look kakashi in the eye. kakashi is the one who breaks the silence first. i made you cry. and i hate myself for that. i swore i wouldn't be one of the people who left you hurting. iruka isn't sure he's ever heard anything quite so vulnerable leave kakashi's lips, the way his voice almost breaks as his speaks. when he answers, something urgent and hot, the familiar feeling of oncoming tears, rises up his throat. he breathes. his voice remains steady enough to speak.

"you haven't left me. i'm sitting right here, aren't i?" his knee-jerk reaction; even in his hurt, in the acute feeling of betrayal, iruka won't let kakashi think that this will be their undoing. he won't let the note of finality in his words sit. "but you did hurt me. i'm not going to pretend i forgive you just because you lived. if you hadn't - " a moment where the tears that sting his eyes threaten to fall and iruka has to press the palms of his hands against them, breathe deeply, breathe fast, to keep his voice from shaking. he doesn't try to conceal his emotions from kakashi, they're long past that, just holds off the tears enough for him to speak. he has a lot to say. "you didn't say anything. you didn't think to leave a note. you - kakashi, it could have been you, too."

a shuddering breath as iruka pauses and fingers move to the back of his left hand, nails poised to dig in. a habit he's been trying to break. kakashi's hand, which he holds so often as a distraction from the urge to pick, is well out of reach. iruka scratches at the fresh scabs instead. "you didn't give me the chance to say goodbye. you didn't - how could you take that away from me? after asuma - " the name is choked, almost a sob. he sees kurenai's face clear as day. the grief of losing a lover, so intense, so suddenly, and it makes iruka feel ill. something shifts and iruka can't take it, the distance he's held kakashi at until this moment. he stands abruptly and closes the space between them, sits down on the sofa where kakashi is. he takes his hands, holds them so tightly it's almost painful. he notices now his hands are shaking, bleeding slightly from the picking.

"i love you." and iruka says it like he means it, firm. "you really hurt me, kakashi, but i love you. and i'm so fucking glad you made it back alive." he has done a poor job of stopping the tears, so he lets them fall in their entirety. they're for kakashi to see, his fault, after all.

#tw picking #tw skin picking #long post #lmao i said a lotta words #me when iruka gets up: ahaha oh nooo i hope kakashi doesn't think he's LEAVING #xhatake

[serenafromoculis]

Regarding self-doubt

I am pretty sure I am not even within the first billion people throughout this week to say that being an artist involves constantly doubting one's own ability to do... Anything. I am also pretty sure I am not the only person who's turned to look at their own work on ocassion and felt so viscerally frustrated that they find no choice left other than to cave in to self-loathing. "I'm a sack of shit", "I am going to starve to death", "My ex might have been abusive but she was the only one who truly loved me", etcetera, ad infinitum. This can suck, not only because it makes you feel like wet ass, but also (and more importantly) because it stops you from creating your delicious Art Soup!

Now, this is where this post gets personal: I have personally found a way to deal with this feeling, as of late, and it's a weird one. This might not work on everyone (that's the preface to basically all artist advice to ever exist), but I have immense amounts of spite for those who have wronged me and just about enough self worth for it to work on me. This technique is...

Externalising Self Hatred

What I mean by this is, remember when your abusive father told you that he wished you'd have been a phycisist? Remember when your friends looked at your drawings and ripped directly into your artstyle? Remember when some guy on the internet commented "looks like shit" after you posted something and refused to elaborate?

Maybe the specifics here are a bit personal to me. But I'm sure that, in a broad sense, most artists have had experiences like this. And I also want to clarify what I mean by this: I'm not talking about the time you got legitimate criticism. I'm not talking about the time someone saw a thing you wrote and told you how it could work better, so you tried it and your artistic vision felt even more realised than before. I'm not even talking about the time you heard something about your art that got you into a literal mental breakdown, but which implementing afterwards demonstrably helped you. I'm talking about the time Some Guy with no knowledge or curiosity regarding your artistic vision and with a knack for "constructive criticism" shat on you in a way you either immediately or afterwards came to realise was total horseshit. I'm talking about the time a friend said something hurtful and apologised afterwards because they realised it was unfounded. I'm talking about the time someone acted like your father.

Every time you feel the self hatred coming alone, every time your thoughts start diverting themselves from "I'll rewrite these past few sentences, I'll clean up these variables to make it run better" and becoming "I am a sack of shit and I deserve nothing but immediate death", every time your thoughts take the path that makes you feel like maybe you should have never made anything in the first place, imagine that rando who commented on your art saying it. Imagine someone else saying it to you, instead of you saying it to yourself. And, again, maybe this won't work on you, but I value my own opinions on my artistic vision extremely highly, and if someone came to me and told me some of the things major depressive disorder tells me, I would not be hurt, I would be LIVID; angrily defending my artistic vision and telling them not to critique me again until they were actually aware of what it was that I was trying to do.

Now, this is what works for me, but I genuinely do believe that in general, looking at your own gripes with yourself, artistic or not, from a different perspective than you usually hold is one of the key parts of actually realising what things you should keep in mind and get better at and what things are just mindless slop that you're better off dealing away with. Presenting perspectives to your brain as coming from the outside is really helpful because it forces you to scrutinise them and to check if they actually hold any substance or not.

That's it. Thanks for reading.

oculis

#artist problems #long post #advice

[nerooooooo]

In My Immersion Era 

I have always thought that the concept of putting students through on-the-job training (OJT) was only for those who are already in college. I continued to think so until the implementation of the K-12 program. Now that I am experiencing first-hand what I only used to ponder over when I was still a junior, I can confidently say that it is a force to be reckoned with.  

Having been assigned to the City Legal Office of my city’s municipality, pulled me out of my comfort zone like gravity. The atmosphere in the workplace emanates the vibe of true formality and intense seriousness. You could really tell that what they do requires strict competence and above-average skills. Being in a room full of actual attorneys and soon-to-be ones exacts pressure on mere students such as myself who just wish to complete 80 hours (about 3 and a half days) of work that our subject in Work Immersion requires of us. Of course, this is what we signed up for the moment we listed down “Political Science” as our preferred course in college. And this journey is made specifically for us to overcome hurdles in pursuit of our dreams and ambitions.  

The first day bore us to death when all we had to do was sit down at one corner and observe how things functioned inside the City Legal Office. But for us, it was literally just watching the walls, the hands of the clock point at 5, watch as the room darkened as it gets late. Everyone was busy doing their own thing, clumped up in each of their own cubicles. We were bench players in the NBA Finals. Only getting seconds when the starting 5 gets either injured or ejected from the game. But then again, I thought to myself, “we’re only grade 12 students.” The best work we students could do was the grunt.  

But that all changed when Sir Ferdie (one of the department employees) approached us and offered to teach us the ways of the xerox machine. He must have noticed our heavy faces and droopy eyes before coming to us. From that point on, we were able to learn so many new things that weren’t really legal work, but the basic stuff that any legal worker should know. From operating a photocopy machine up to how we should address the different problems that come to the office. We were also able to handle civil and criminal cases (we didn’t handle them just inventory work). Our life as immersionists made a huge 180 degrees all thanks to our millennial-wannabe supervisor.  

We only have two workdays left in our Work Immersion. My eyes were lit to the reality of working as an employee of the government. I met people that I thought I would least get along with but turned out to be a best friend. Just as much good there is within work environments, there also lies behind it the harsh and cruel situations they must face daily for the sake of survival and provision for their families. Truly, for us students, it is difficult for us to expose ourselves in such environments. But I believe that we are among the fortunate ones to have an early understanding of what kind of life we’re working hard for in our academics. A spark of ambition moves in us, shining brighter now more than ever compared to our pre-immersion selves. 

#Essay 1/5 #WorkImmersion #ImmersionaEra

[lightsinthesky]

Do you ever really want to do something, but everyone you trust tells you not to?

I do.

It’s highly uncomfortable and unsettling to have self-awareness of your instincts, then act opposite. Especially when you’ve spent your entire life trusting them to at least some degree. That kind of disconnect can make you question everything in a snowball effect stemming from the thought of, “am I a dumbass?”

I’m still learning about the difference between what I truly want and what might be best for me. Quadruple the intensity of the confusion when emotions come into play, which, for me, they pretty much always do. Part of me is just a firm believer in fairy tale endings. Another part of me is cynical and characterizes life as happening “to me” instead of “for me.” It’s a struggle and a half to navigate. But, as I’ve said more times than I can count at this point, I trust the process. I still believe that things happen as they are “supposed to” and that all I seek to get out of this life will come to me in some way so long as I stay the course, maintain my hope, trust, and willingness to receive. And also accepting that whole annoying-as-hell concept of experiencing linear time.

But that part about willingness to receive is still a motherfucker. I have a frustrating disconnect at the moment between what I intellectually know to be true, what I hope for, what I believe in, and that discomfort of simply not knowing any of each of those things for certain.

Removing myself from attachment to outcomes, desires or wishes that are specific, and cultivating a sense of openness to receive the unexpected is an exhausting little dance of the mind, heart, and spirit.

I’ve never been one to “fake it ‘til you make it.” I wear my heart on my sleeve and live in authenticity to the highest degree possible for me. Am I perfect? No. Sometimes I will present a certain way. But overall, I think I’m pretty damn open and transparent. I try to express it all with tact, but the short version is that I’m kind of an open book. Take it or leave it. No hard feelings.

So back to the main topic: acting opposite. In spite of my struggles with alcoholism and the litany of shitty behaviors that came with that, I’ve, at bare minimum, led a life where I held certain virtuous beliefs to be true. I acted opposite so much of what I believed in in my active alcoholism and have immense remorse as a result. But shame, guilt, and regret are not the subject - I can’t change the past and I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I don’t have to live with the constant misery of being that fearful, depressed shell of a man anymore.

So, as things got better, and still continue to get better and better and more clear, it becomes a whole new concept to act opposite of my instincts. When you achieve a steady plane of emotional, mental, and spiritual fitness (which is always improving and learning and implementing… don’t worry, I’m not overconfident or complacent), it’s hard to be like, “hold on a minute, is this actually the best idea/thought/action?” So now I sit and wait and meditate and pray and ask for advice. I’ve stopped trying to manage all of this on my own 24/7. And when my bullshit is not cosigned, I trust those who have come before me. I’m no longer chronically unique.

And sometimes? It sucks. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It opens up a whole new wealth of uncertainty. But that’s simply the reality of where I’m at. I’m “good.” I’ve achieved serenity as a baseline more or less. There are intense dips and some peaks, but overall, looking at the trend (which I can literally do now since being super extra and making a color-coded mood chart), it trends towards neutrality and general peace.

So what the actual fuck is next? I still have no clue. I won’t pretend I do. Will my emotions take over if I’m presented an opportunity I seek? Maybe. Will I be OK to let something else happen that I didn’t anticipate in any sense? Maybe. Will I be thoughtful and considerate of myself while trying to figure out all of this? For sure.

I don’t know if it’s good, bad, or simply human, but there are things I want. They will always exist in my heart. So, for me, the trick is in detaching from the outcomes. I cannot maintain an attitude or belief that they are inevitable or I will be chronically disappointed.

So, at least for now, I choose to remain this little empty vessel for the will of God/the universe/whatever and just do my best to be happy with where I’m at. So far, so good. But there are inevitable shakeups on the way. So I will prepare the worst and hope the best.

My mission of love and hope is too foundational to ever be taken away, even at the lowest of lows. 

So, today, I’m actually kind of low-key excited for what might come next. The signs are pointing towards… something. So I will sit and wait patiently, but never stand still. I’m still moving forward at a steady pace. And I think that whenever it comes, whatever it is, I’ll be ready and it’ll be at that exact right moment. I never believed in timing, but I trust that’s because it has all always unfolded as it’s “supposed to.”

So, as with every day for the last 171 days, I’m moving forward to a destination unknown…

#recovery #Youtube

[blorbosaur]

BLOG #1: Einstein-inspired School

My class and I read this certain essay by Einstein called “On Education”. Of course, anything concerning about one’s thoughts about our education system, especially if that one person is Albert Einstein of all people, piques my interest, so I read it the first chance I could. While I had no doubts about it before, Einstein truly knew what he was talking about in that essay. So many insights that should be taken into consideration, so many ideas that should be implemented into our education. If we lived in such an ideal world that has schools built and developed based on the ideas of not only people of the past like Einstein, but of the input of students and graduates and of the development of society, then who knows what could happen?

We could only dream of that world today. For now, we can start planning; What would a school inspired by Einstein look like? That’s what some of my classmates and I got into thinking. 

It was... something, really. My group mates were the ones who made most of the ideas. I was just a sitting duck. Isn’t that enlightening? How someone like me got to be in the same classroom, in the same school as such bright and shining people like them. I’m always the one getting distracted, the one who can’t seem to focus for more than just a few seconds unless you managed to hook my attention with a bunch of references to childish medias like Pokémon and the Sonic the Hedgehog series and The Lego Movies and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- And that gave me a thought. Education, at its very core, was always, is always, supposed to be fun, to be enjoyable. Yes, we’re still meant to learn, yet it doesn’t have to be as mind-numbing as it is today. With the current time’s high-stakes tests and singular attempts in such a way that once you fail, you can’t redo it again to get it right, it’s a failure, it’s a zero, that’s it. So I thought; Why not make it so that there are objects in the classroom that the students can play around with, like stim toys! Who knows how many times I just wished I could play around with something with my hands while listening to class all because of the need to move to the point I can barely tell what’s going on. Make them be able to retake tests! Not the same exact tests, of course, but still on the same topic as the one they’d like to retry because you won’t learn anything from failure if failure is just one and done. Our education system doesn’t properly prepare us for the future. If we look at the literacy rates... at the employment rates... something is clearly wrong, and that’s not the people. It’s the system.  The fear of failure didn’t let me voice that thought, and that’s really the problem, isn’t it? How our education system, instead of building confidence in all of us, instills fear into most and leaves those who can raise their heads from the tides to shine. Collaborating on the project was fun, at the least. I’m not particularly close to anyone in the group or class, so it was more of a formal matter to me.  The school we made... it almost seemed like a new hope. I wish that one day, the children of the future generations can have a school like that. I may not get to experience or see a future with a school such as the one my group has thought of, but the idea that other’s can experience it and can become less messed up than me? It makes me happy. I hope children like me can one day express themselves and be happy at school and be able to learn more than I could now. If anything, the future is supposed to be easier for the newer generations, so why are we making it harder on them? Isn’t that the purpose of development? ...I may or may not have gone off-topic. My mistake. I guess what I’m trying to go for is that... our education system sucks and it could be better. In the most blunt words I could muster. And I hope that one day... the children can smile more than I do.  :]

#english class blogs