#im gonna have to file for bankruptcy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

watchandgrow · 2 years

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I became one of "those" people

I became one of "those" people who realized how my life has been flying by. I have been so busy arguing or getting my feelings hurt that I have simply been surviving. I got stuck in survival mode in every aspect of my life. It was shocking, scary, and terrifying but I just recently heard a quote from the late and great Kobe Bryant that inspired this article. "Rest at the end, not in the middle...Im gonna keep on pushin' now.... I’m gonna figure this out as I go..." That is a statement that resonated with me. It is echoing through my core. As I fight to WANT to see another day due to the multitude of issues I have made up in my mind, I want to fight. I want to know that I have tried my best. As we are struggling to make it financially and through our marriage, just give it one more day. Fight one more day. Wake up one more day. Something is bound to change, and that change is going to begin with me and my outlook on life. This is my life and it’s about time I (we) start LIVING. I have been through so much in my life, just as so many others, but this is not how my story is going to end. I will keep fighting minute by minute if need be.

I thought by now (early 40's) I would be "successful" and have a house. My husband and I would greet each other after work, I would make dinner and life would be great. Well, my definition of "successful" has been rapidly changing lately, it seems. Being successful to me (right now) is having a roof over our head, lights on and food in our bellies. We have just about the worst car you can imagine but we have a home. It is not the best home, but it is OUR HOME. This is not the hardest time we have gone through, but we have regressed. We failed to prepare. We failed to realize our decisions long ago would have such an effect now. Focusing on our credit this late in the game and trying to plan for a potential retirement, if we get to retire, is now the top priority we have. I am about to file my third bankruptcy due to medical and its daunting. We moved to a beautiful state with ocean views, sand in the air and wind in your hair but the cost to live here is almost out of reach.

I have accepted the hardest failure a parent could handle and that is walking away from my children, that's for another article so stop judging me. Anyways, back to the point. If I failed, my children then maybe I am failing my husband. Self-realization, well, let's just say the struggle is real. But I did not fail. I made sacrifices for a lot of those situations, but my failure is how I handled or responded to each situation. That's where I have failed all whom I have ever loved or cared for, especially my children, my mother and now my husband. Is this a trait? A habit? Maybe a learned behavior but I know I can change it. Anything can be changed or redirected. Simply redirect your emotions, thoughts, and reactions so you can stop surviving. You can rest at the end, not in the middle. Keep going one more day and focus on what you can control. You might not feel confident but try walking with confidence in each step you take next and watch your perspective change immediately. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for so go easy on the self-criticism and fight for what you want.

It’s not about what you have. That’s simply materialistic. What makes you rich is love, laughter and simplicity. Love yourself because you are a priority and stop worrying about what other might think of you.

#motivator #who cares #im trying #selfimprovement #mental health #selflove #marriage #empowerment #first post #im new to this

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pxppinmolly-archived · 2 years

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Also uh.. Wanted to say thank you everyone for your kind words earlier. And I again apologize for like. Suddenly having such a break down.

Like I really am... Embarrassed. Especially after having such kind messages last night anonymously!

I know I keep saying it and I’m sure everyone is tired of my bitching by now, but just. It’s been a lot recently. I can’t even say ‘I’ve been off my meds!’ cus. I don’t have any. I’m raw dogging all my undiagnosed mental illnesses. KSKSKS;; On top of again, not being a good time of the month, and things at home... are tough. And my interpersonal life has been.. A lot.

I just kinda fell apart and things on this blog just broke the camel’s back ... because again these have been thoughts and feelings I’ve been holding onto for awhile.

I’m not gonna remake this blog ... I’m too attached to everything on it. I have so many posts here, I have like 300 posts in my queue ... A lot is attached onto this blog yk? I hate remaking blogs. skdf YES it’s a struggle as a sideblog but I live. I probably WON’T move it, either ... But if it comes too much I might. But as of now, it’s staying here.

I MIGHT do a mutual clean up ... If I do I’ll make a post to give people a chance to make sure they don’t get soft blocked just in case, you know? But we’ll see. I personally don’t think cleaning up my mutuals will change anything, honestly, seeing as one of my issues here is just. Feeling lack of like. context for my dash all the time so unfollowing people def will just make it worse.

I dunno what I’m gonna do. BUT

In any case.

I’m feeling better now, at least emotionally. Ya know? Not gonna do anything crazy ... I’m still feeling ... Unsure about my place here, but, I’m feeling much better than before with everyone’s kind words. Genuinely I appreciate it so much and again I’m. So sorry I’m like this. SDFK

#OOC #how many times is dani gonna say #ITS BEEN A ROUGH COPLE WEEKS FOR ME!#KDkajsdf #like..#i.#okay knda heavy heading here on out.#but i almost relapsed recently. multiple times. because of how ive been like #feeling. its been really bad. and really scary. thus why i think i begun to like #well if i cant do this ill just hurt myself another way n think bout deleting cus i need to be self destructive #but im of sound mind to like. not do that cus that would be dumb but yk how it is w mental illness voice thats like: lol u should tho pussy #fuck u. ykwim?#my eating habits have. been rlly bad again recently too.#im like rlly. rlly struggling mentally physically and emotionally. SO...#im. ok. as of right now. im not gonna be doing anything drastic. im of sound mind enough not to like #black out any time soon KDFJG and ik if i ever do i have ppl i can go to so yk yk #INHALES. EXHALES.#like yk at home parents talking bout having to possibly file bankruptcy cus we're. not doing great! and just like. .. traumas of mine #resurfacing and again being like. wow yeah im STILL not over this huh! ok. <3 #IM JUST HURTING A LOT NON STOP... like i mentioned too i have constant nightmares recently LOL and I hav like #NOTHING to look forward to any time soon so its even hard getting out of bed. its hard. dani has a rough time rn but #thank u everyone for putting up w me and being so kinda nd patient;;

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alilaro · 2 years

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must be the season of sick cats huh

#*#tosh gets his leg cut off; fedex might have asthma #im gonna abuse the fact that my vet consultation on wednesday for tosh's stitches is free #like 'listen i know im here for stitches BUT can u look at this minute-long vid of my OTHER cat wheezing and tell me what you think'#ill do anything for these boys including filing for bankruptcy #the xray is gonna cost like $200; and then if he does have asthma the inhaler chamber is like $90; excluding the actual ventilator #and THEN on top of all that i have to get them both in for their shots which will be like $200 #its funny that ive always been like 'ill never have kids it will save me so much money' and yet here we are #im gonna space them out to give time to accumulate extra cash; otherwise ill just use up my emergency money cause fuck it lmao

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argumentl · 3 years

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The Freedom of Expression - Ep 44 'Guitar Center' preparing to file for bankruptcy & Urgent announcement.

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27th Dec 2020 (Sun) 23:30~ The Freedom of Expression LIVE #3 Live broadcast.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome. Well, I feel kinda attatched to the topic this week. Joe, please could you..?

J: Yes, its sad news, but.. America's largest musical instrument retail chain 'Guitar Center' is preparing to file for bankruptcy. According to the New York Times, its possible that the chain might go bankrupt due to business difficulties. The chain is the biggest musical instrument chain in America, and has around 300 stores nationwide. Taken over in 2007, the business struggled hard with the switch to online sales, but was pretty successful in two and a half years, and up until this February had been increasing sales for ten quarters in a row. However, because Guitar Center is dependent on in-store sales, the business took a huge hit from the coronavirus pandemic. Sales for the most recent financial year were declared to be $2.3 billion, but the chain has $1.3 billion in debt, and its credit rating was downgraded in April. According to the New York Times, the chain fell behind with interest payments of $45 million this month for the first time ever, and although they have been given 32 hours, there is a chance they will default on thier debts. According to specific sources, Guitar Center have been in contact with thier creditors, will file for bankruptcy within the month, and are considering a plan to withdraw at the start of 2021.

K: It says within the year, right?

J: Oh, yes, sorry, within the year.

K: The first time I went to this store was about 23 or 24 years ago, when we went to America for recording. We were taken there..me and the other members, but it was so huge!

J: It is huge, yeh.

K: It was in LA, but I never relised that type of place existed.

J: Its Hollywood, right?

K: Yeh.

T: How big was it? Like how many guitars?

K: It was as big as a Japanese supermarket.

T: Ehh?

J: Its as big as a wearhouse, isn't it?

K: Well, yeh, it looks like that from outside too.

T: Was it like the instrument shops you see in Tokyo?

K: No, no, no. They normally don't have drum kits and stuff assembled in stores here, but they do there.

T: Ehh? Thats really big.

J: It is. So Kaoru, did you go there and test out the guitars?

K: I have done. But back then, I didn't really feel any preferences as for the instruments, I just got the feel of the place. I was just like, 'Wow, Im in Guitar Center!'. It was a great feeling seeing all the different instruments.

J: The Americans try out the instruments pretty enthusiastically, don't they?

K: They were really good! haha

J: Right?

K: The people playing...I gradually just stopped trying stuff out there.

J, T: Hahha.

K: But when we go on tours and the equipment breaks or something, we have been to Guitar Center to get replacements before. So if it disappears, we could be in a bit of trouble on tours.

J: Thats right.

T: Yeah.

K: Its a bit risky ordering stuff online to arrive at the venue in time.

T: Of course.

K: If you go to the store you can just get what you need and leave.

J: With 300 stores, it seems like there are quite a lot in big cities, so if anything happened on tour, you could just drop into one of the stores..

K: Yeh yeh yeh.

J: And they would have what you wanted.

T: America is amazing. It says here they worked hard with the move to online sales, but don't you need to test-play a guitar before buying? Is it ok to buy online?

K: Nah, but people buy everything online these days.

J: Yeah.

T: I kinda imagined you would go to the store, play the instrument, and then decide you want to buy it.

K: Well, yeh. But I didn't test out my first guitar before buying it.

J: Oh, is that so?

K: It was a specific model that was sold out, so I had to reserve it..

T: I see.

K: And pay for it in advance, then wait till it arrived.

J: Ehh? But you knew what type of guitar you were getting though, right?

K: Yeh, I knew what shape it would be and stuff, but its cause that was my first guitar.

T: By the way, how old were you when you bought your first guitar?

K: Around first year of high school.

T: Ahh, I see.

J: Ahh. Eh?! First year of high school when you bought your first guitar?

K: Yeh. I started playing a bit earlier than that using borrowed guitars.

T: So, you thought, 'I want one', and bought your first one, right?

J: I bought my first electric guitar when i was in Junior High school. Everyone starts a band at that age, don't they? And I thought, if Im gonna do it, then I should be on guitar, right? With drums you really need space at home to set them up, so I couldn't buy a set. I bought a kind of cheap guitar/amp set for beginners. But I couldn't play the F chord properly, it was pretty frustrating.

T: This will make me look clueless, but Kaoru, how many guitars have you actually bought?

K: I havn't really..

T: Oh, not many?

K: No, I havn't actually bought that many...Like 10? I usually have them made through contracts with ESP.

J: But by now you have signature models and stuff, right?

K: Yeah. I mean, I will buy a guitar myself if I want to play it at home or something.

J: Ahh. Well, its kinda sad seeing these musical instrument stores disappear.

K: I've always had the impression that musical instruments don't sell in large numbers anyway.

J: But..well, i've done some interviews in relation to this, and it seems like musical instruments have been selling quite well during covid. Especially in America, it seems like there was a lot of people in the countryside playing guitar at home. But as for sales, they would probably buy online, especially during covid when you couldn't go to the store in person, I think some of the stores would have been closed. So even if online sales have increased...like with Guitar Center, if you have that many stores..there will be the burden of maintenance costs, staff wages, rent, and somehow the debt will grow and grow. But if online buying continues to develop in this way, we might see an increasing trend of people who play guitar without having tested it first.

K: Hmm, yeh, they won't be trying them out first. ???*1

J, T: Yeah, thats right.

J: What are your thoughts on this, Kaoru? About the concept of a test-run disappearing?

K: I wonder whether young people will still buy guitars. I think the people buying them will be like wealthy people etc. But I don't think young people these days are that interested in buying a guitar and starting a band. If they do become interested in musical instruments, I think it will be more and more online sales.

J: I wonder how thats gonna go, with the guitar makers and musical instrument shops struggling..

K: But even if guitars sell, I wonder if there is anyone who will still buy amps?

J: Ahh, I see.

K: Young people these days don't really buy amps, do they? There are amp simulators now, so you can buy one of these machines and input the data digitally, and then just use a regular speaker.

J: And thats just enough, right?

K: Well, you can do it like that, yeh. And you can simulate lots of different types of amp, so you can get specific sounds. People probably aren't buying the real thing these days.

J: But the subtleness of the sound is different, isn't it?

K: Its totally different.

J: Right? Its completely different. So its...Well, for peope like us, we've heard the sound coming through amps at live houses, we've been hearing that kind of sound for years, but for young people, in one sense a different sound is...

K: (*Kaoru talking about amps/simulators. I don't know enough about amps to really get what he means here, sorry!*)

J: Ah, so if they start thinking there is only one choice, rather than listening to the old types and making a reasoned decision?

K: Yes. So even now, if you go to a Japanese musical instrument shop, there used to be amps all lined up, like Marshall or Fender etc. Now, there are no amps, but many types of simulator machines. You can just buy them and take them straight home. It seems like they sell well. So if you find one guitar that is easy to play, and you have one of these simulators, you can make all sorts of sounds.

J: Yeah.

T: I see.

J: Like usally, if the neck is different, the responding sound will differ, but you will be able to compensate for that with a simulator, so..

K: I don't think many people do that.

J: Oh, right.

K: But I don't know.

Kami: Um, can I ask something? Um, I've played guitar before. But I got blisters straight away, and my wrist started to hurt. Does that happen to you too, Kaoru?

T, J: Haha

T: Thats a grest question to ask a guitarist, Kami.

K: Well, during recording...or like when recording something all in one go, it does start to hurt, haha.

T: Haha

J: If you are playing non-stop? But hey, I wonder how this situation will look in 10 or 20 years?

K: There'll be no music stores like Tower Records etc by then.

J: Yeh, yeh.

T: Hmm, yeh.

J: Old guys will be sad.

K: But even with cars and stuff, there is that kind of rental service now, isn't there?

T: Carsharing?

K: Yeah. So won't car showrooms eventually disappear?

J: I think so. And with clothes, there's a high possibility that stores will start to disappear.

K: Oh, now you mention clothes, do you remember that online thing we talked about before where they put the clothes that you like onto your photo?

J: Yeah, yeah.

K: I had thought about doing that, but the site has shut down!

J: Ah, its over?

K: Yeah, so I couldn't do it.

J: Oh, thats a shame.

T: It is.

J: So many businesses have been hit by covid, I think the view that we see before us will be a lot different by next year, or the year after. Getting aound this will have an effect on the way we live or express ourselves, I feel.

T: I lived on an island in Kagoshima when I was little. We had a Shamisen in our house, it had a kind of plastic stick to play it.

J: Can you play, Tasai?

T: No, not at all. I only ever just picked it up sometimes for fun.

J: You could show us a Kagoshima folk song to finish.

T: Haha, no no no. Why?

J: I don't know. To wrap it up?

T: No, it wouldn't wrap it up, haha.

K: In that case, Joe, you should play guitar.

J: Lets perform together sometime!

K: No way!

T: Joe!

K: No thanks, haha.

J: I'd gain prestige by playing with Kaoru from Dir en grey. There would be no merit for you though, Kaoru.

T: I'd go numb, I wouldn't be able to play at all if I were you. haha. Playing next to a pro.

J: Well, what can I say? I have big dreams. No, but if we did play together, I'd practice, I'd give it my best.

T: Of course.

K: Well, yeh.

J: If, for example, we played together on this youtube channel next year, I'd be serious about practicing.

Kami: I'll do it too.

J: Kami too?!

K: Hahaha

J: Would you, Kami?

Kami: I would.

K: But your hands would start to hurt.

T: Right.

Kami: I'd practice.

J: You'll practice? In that case, we could have Tasai on Shamisen too, and all play together.

T: Shamisen is ok? Well, I guess its a stringed instrument like guitar.

J: Lets announce something.

*...silence...*

K: Hahahaha

J: No-ones getting on board with this?

K: hahaha

J: Oh, nevermind then! haha.

K: Well, if the opportunity arises, right?

J: Yes, if the opportunity arises.

K: Ok, we'll finish here for this week. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

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27th Dec 2020 (Sun) 23:30~ The Freedom of Expression LIVE #3 Live broadcast.

*1,2 Couldn't catch.

* Feel free to inform if it looks like I've misinterpreted some of the amp/simulator talk.

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #tfoe #kaoru #薫

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fallingsunflower · 3 years

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BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne 🍾🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

#this is also good visual proof for how many people are on team PR lol

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lonelyhearteds-a · 4 years

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hi .

okay , ive literally been sitting on this for actual months now because i realize there are more important things going on in the world right now , but im at my own personal breaking point and i’ve realized that i need a space to get everything off my chest and this is as good as it gets since i can’t afford therapy so ,, here goes nothing .

tl;dr. tw : drugs , mentions of suicide , overall negativity

so , we’re gonna ignore january and february issues because honestly .... i don’t recognize those months as canon . anyways , i’ve been off of tumblr since the pandemic started in america in march . i lost my job , and i’ve had to use my personal time in order to keep getting something in my bank account , but i was making that + unemployment for a few weeks . everything was fine , truthfully and utterly i was making enough just off of unemployment despite the fact it took 3 weeks to even be processed . then everything hit the fan and it flew everywhere . my mom relapsed in mid-april and she relapsed hard , but me pretending it’s just her illnesses went about my business and decided to ignore it until it exploded in my face . i’m not going into too much detail about it , but with everything she’s done since april we’ve now got a really broken and fractured relationship . it’s taken me nearly fourteen years to realize the amount of sheer trauma she’s put me through ; mentally , physically and emotionally . then , we were almost evicted because she didn’t pay rent for two months - so i had to use my entire stimulus check just to catch up on rent and the mortgage payments . then , i went back to work in may just to process shipping orders . again , was fine for the most part , however i wasn’t making as much and what i had saved my mom found a way to guilt me to spend it . this went on all of may , living paycheck to paycheck . june week one came along and my mom overdosed . this was one of the worst experiences of my life ; it was re-opening week ( apparently clothing is essential during a pandemic ) , my mom was acting like she had no common sense ( destroying the house , not feeing the animals , not taking care of herself , LOSING MY CAT , locking the dogs in the car in 100 degree heat , calling me names i dont even want to repeat .. amongst other situations ), and i didn’t eat . for a week . i was sick to my stomach with stress and exhaustion , living off of literally 5 hours of sleep between friday and thursday when i finally got help from my family after begging them to help me send her to a psych ward for two weeks . she called me every single day and we’d argue every single day . when she was released , it was as if nothing’s changed . she said she was gonna change , but she hasn’t . she walks around with a rain cloud above her head and if i don’t give her money , she guilts me into doing it . so on so fourth . we argue almost everyday about something , whether it’s money or my attitude somehow making her life worse . i asked her one day if she’s ever going to be happy and she flat out told me no . there’s so much more going on with her but if i posted it all i might as well write a book . i’ve never wanted to kill myself more than i do everyday so far this month .

now , july , i’ve recognized i can’t keep living like this . my company has filed for bankruptcy and is closing more than 1200 stores and we don’t know which ones are closing and which ones are remaining opened yet , but if my store closes i have no money to fall back on until i find a new job . i have no money for groceries or pet food , and i don’t have enough to pay all of the bills . my mom over drafted one of my accounts and now i have to pay that back with my next paycheck which means i’m losing $110 automatically when i get paid next .

i’m honestly just exhausted ? like . i’m twenty-three years old and i literally have no will to live because of this woman and the shit she’s put me through . i was not planning on making it to my birthday this year and i was definitely not planning on making it to august . i don’t know . to be frank , i don’t have the energy to care about anything anymore and my anxiety keeps telling my some of my closest friends are over me when there’s no reason for me to even believe that . i’m seeing them all next year at different times and i know they’re excited to see me but i sat here the other day just questioning if that’s even real . i don’t have any friends in the town i live in ; i don’t go out and do things because of corona and if i do , my mom forces herself along . if i buy myself something i have to buy her something or it turns into an argument and an all around guilt trip .

i’m trying so hard to save enough so i can move out , but .. it’s almost impossible at this point . and i don’t know what to do . i work full time ; there is no reason i should have to consider getting another part time job just to survive . i shouldn’t have had to to parent my parent and sacrifice so much of my life . i shouldn’t be this mentally fucked up , but here i am , once again , crying over spilled tea .

anyways , if you read all the way through , i don’t know when i’m returning to tumblr , but when i do i am still going to be moving blogs . nonetheless , i’m on d*scord ( ♡ kezrah fan club president ♡#9812 ) and i’ve been doing more rp things on there if anyone wants to talk or do things again ( im always game for a welcomed distraction , even if it takes me a minute to reply ) ; i still , for the most part , have the same muses that are listed on my page . love u all loads nd loads .

#tldr #long post tw #overall negativity tw #idk what else to tag

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gourmetmilkshake · 4 years

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me: i cant wait to move out im gonna get a muji bed

coronavirus: we cant let that bitch have any hope for the future. get those muji mfs

muji: *files for bankruptcy*

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sknbns · 4 years

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During this entire quarantine...

My boyfriend and I are in my house and he has to work from home. Meaning his computer is here which is fine and lemme tell you I love his voice so much! It’s all deep and grumbly and UGH I love it so much. But I’m stuck at home because the company I work for filed for bankruptcy and closed their stores so that sucks. Good news is that I have an interview tomorrow morning though!

But because he’s using my office (which is right near the kitchen) as his work place I don’t want to disturb sooo I wont be eating for a few hours. At least until 3 or so. Then I can make us a salad or something and then for dinner have god knows what since he hasn’t helped me decide what to make for dinner.

I’ve mentioned in another post that if I’m home alone I don’t eat as much but if he is here then I do eat a little more so he doesn’t worry. However since he’s not paying any attention to me at the moment I can fast for as long as I want and he wouldn’t know. I’m sorry I’m not making as many posts lately but life kind of got in the way. Weight wise Im at 219!!! Finally! Hopefully I can get to 200 by the end of April and that will put me on track. I’m gonna have to do a lot of home workouts but Im not sure if I have a broken ankle or not so Im not sure.

#trying to lose weight #not pro just using tags #ana #ed #me #weight loss #losing weight #lose weight

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malafight · 5 years

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Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

#life update #drugs tw #body horror tw #surgery

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