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yesimwriting · 3 years

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Crossing lines

General Kirigan/the darkling x reader

Summary: This was requested by my friend @vvsdiamond28 who also writes and has a really good kirigan x reader story up right now! The request was basically for a fic in which the reader is out wandering at night and runs into kirigan while he’s in the banya and then they get to talking and some other stuff before he admits to only trusting the reader and giving her his real name. This gets kinda steamy bc of the request and bc the story called for it lol but it’s not full smut bc i decided that it would be better to do that as a part 2 so that i could add some jealousy tension haha

a/n i think im back?? Ive been working on requests a lot and ive really enjoyed writing regularly again. A small side note, after rewatching revenge of the sith im kinda in the mood to try writing an anakin fic 😭 pls he was my OG fictional crush,, so either send help or a request for him or something, Anyways,, back to this fic--ahh i had fun writing it but i still feel awkward writing steamier stuff so be nice!!

Those that wander in the night, lost in uneasy thought--there’s probably a lot that can be said about them. But I can’t think of anything to be said about me. Nothing good comes from walking around a place full of powerful and tense people in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t take much effort to interpret my actions as suspicious, and yet I continue forward. I’m an idiot--just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean I have to wander around campgrounds. My presence is barely tolerated here, I shouldn’t try backstroking in waters I can barely tread.

But still, I walk, eyes more fixated on the open night sky than anything else. The moon is as full as an overflowing glass, the stars twinkling as if desperate to compete with a light it will never be able to duplicate. I sigh, pressing my lips together. Maybe the stars and I have more in common than I thought. Normally, that would be a good thing.

Letting out a weary breath, I continue forward, away from the relative safety of the main tents. I’m still on the grounds, I’m approaching the border where the tents of higher ranking officials are. That should make me more nervous, but if anything it almost eases me slightly.

General Kirigan is not the type to be friendly, and yet our interactions have always been laced with a touch of intimacy I can’t quite explain. We’ve been alone together more and more frequently, and I think that’s how I like him best. It’s strange, but when we’re alone some of his sharpness dulls, leaving space for something I might consider humor or actual personality on anyone else. He probably speaks to many girls like that when they’re alone together--a fact I have to fight to remind myself of--but it’s the closest thing to friendship I have here. Maybe it’s foolish to hold onto that, but I can’t bring myself to release my grip on those sentiments. At least not yet, when the kind moments are still rare and fleeting and no line has been crossed.

The danger, however, comes from the prospect of not recognizing lines before they’re crossed. Even now, as I walk aimlessly in the night, pacing in hopes of exhausting my thoughts, I’m crossing lines in a much more literal way and even these are ill defined. I must be in new territory now, and even that I can only vaguely recognize because of the strangely humid scent that surrounds this area of the grounds.

I’m near the banya. I didn’t intend to wander here, but the thought of splashing water on my face is too tempting to pass up on. I move closer, finding a sense of peace in having some direction, even in a small way.

When the promise of water is only steps away, I begin to regret everything. There’s a figure in the bath. I freeze, ready to attempt to shrink away in hopes of disappearing before I’m caught. This could easily turn extremely awkward even though I technically haven’t done anything. Most people don’t bathe at this hour. Who bathes this late at night?

I keep my eyes on the individual, trying to make out who they are and how aware they are of their surroundings in the dim light. Pale skin, dark hair--unbelievably attractive torso. My eyes linger there longer than they should. I force my gaze upwards, towards their face as if that can erase my ogling. Embarrassment leaves my face burning--I’m not the ‘ogling’ type, and this person doesn’t even know I’m here. I keep my eyes on them as I step back, taking in unaware features as best I can in the dark.

I know them--I--Saints, it’s Kirigan.

Fantastic. Of course he has to be even more impossibly attractive while shirtless and wet. I turn my head upwards sharply, more desperate to not be caught than ever. I would never, ever recover from being caught. Whether he’d tease me or be angry with me, I don’t know. I also don’t know which option I’d prefer.

I step back again, my gait wider due to my urgency. Snap. The sound of both a twig and my chance of a stealthy escape being shattered. I cringe, craning my neck to the left in a desperate attempt to make it clear that I wasn’t watching him. I take another desperate step, ready to duck behind a nearby tree. Maybe he hasn’t seen me--maybe he’s distracted and assumed that some kind of rabbit or something passed by. He may not actively dislike me, but I’m not sure any semblance of favor he may have for me extends to this situation.

“Y/n.” His tone reveals nothing but his level of certainty. Ignoring him will only make me seem guilty.

I pause, keeping my gaze off of him. “Yes.” It wasn’t really a question, and yet I still answer it like one. “I was--I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d get some air, and I was walking kind of aimlessly and I ended up here and I didn’t think anyone would be here.” Why do I feel like I’m making this situation worse? “I’m sorry--I’m gonna--I’m going to go now.” This is the kind of embarrassing moment that will come back to me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. I know it.

“You know the polite thing to do after intruding is to make eye contact.”

I don’t think my face has ever felt this warm before. At least he doesn’t sound angry, but his voice doesn’t reveal that much. I raise my gaze carefully, turning my head slowly. “I didn’t mean,” I exhale slowly, “It wasn’t my intention to intrude.”

He straightens slightly at my words, exposing more of his chest. I stay still, eyes trained on his to avoid an accidental lapse. “You could make it up to me by offering conversation.” Kirigan’s tone is deliberate, his words measured and calm. I don’t speak, feeling like I’m being presented a test I don’t understand, but most of our conversations leave me feeling like that. “Only if you’re comfortable.”

And just like that, I’m backed into a corner. A challenge. To deny him now would be to expose the effect he has on me. My chin raises a fraction of an inch as I take in that assured half-smirk. “Why wouldn’t I be comfortable?”

Kirigan arches a dark brow, assessing my response. “Then sit,” his voice has not changed, “You want air and I want company.”

I don’t think anyone that looks as good as he does shirtless has ever had trouble finding company, especially with the smooth way he speaks. Despite this, I step forward to accept his challenge without calling him out on his coyness. Each step is the crossing of another invisible line until I’m near the water’s edge. I make sure to keep my nightgown at a respectable length as I sit down.

I make a point of extending my legs towards the water while leaning back so that I can’t be easily accused of being a coward. “I feel the need to warn you that I might not make particularly interesting company.”

He angles his head to the side slightly, drawing attention to his jawline and neck. I force my stare to focus on the water. “I’ve never found you uninteresting.”

There’s something resigned in the way he says this. On instinct, I look up, taking in the slight softening of his features. The release of his usual sternness only adds to his beauty, a fact that I’m already resenting.

“You may be the only one.” It’s not meant to be a deprecating comment, but I’m not sure my partial laugh softens my bitterness. I hope it does--I’d rather his interest than the interest of my entire unit.

Kirigan shifts forward, the water moving with him. “Do you think that any coldness you’re experiencing has to do with you?”

The question has me drawing my eyebrows together. What else could it be? I shrug, “I’ve considered it.”

He nods once, eyes hardening slightly. “Do you always have trouble sleeping?”

The personalness of the question shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does. Kirigan seems to only understand boundaries when he’s the one setting them. “Not really.” A partial lie--this time I’m glad I can’t quite bring myself to look at him. “It’s not uncommon for me, but it’s not something I deal with every night.”

I risk shifting my eyeline when I hear the sound of water moving. Kirigan’s now resting an arm on the rim of the pool, wet skin dangerously close to my ankle and lower calf. “It’s not always easy,” his voice is low now, “Being alone with your thoughts.”

That’s not the kind of reply I’d expect from him. I blink twice before turning to study his expression. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him seem so tired--so weary and human and in need of something. The line between his eyebrows and the far off quality of his eyes leave me with the strong desire to give whatever it is he needs to him. The urge to reach out, to touch him in hopes of breaking him free from his odd trance leaves my stomach knotted. That line is too clear to cross so recklessly.

I need to chase away the serious atmosphere he’s created. “Is that why you bathe so late at night?” I let myself smile, “To avoid thoughts?”

“I like the peace of it.” Something akin to amusement touches his words. “And for the record, little dove,” the nickname is pointed and earns him an eyeroll, “The warm water doesn’t exactly chase away thoughts so much as encourages others.” He pauses. “You understand, considering you can barely look at me.”

This is the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened. The suggestive jilt to his words has to be intentional. Damn him. I turn my head, forcing myself to meet his gaze. “I can look at you just fine.”

“And if I were a Heartrender and could hear your heartbeat your pulse would be normal?” The question is teasing, a small smile pulling at his lips.

The warmth in my face increases, spreading down my neck. Kirigan’s expression remains smug. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.”

“No?” He leans forward, angling his head so close to me I can faintly feel the warmth of his breath on my lower calf. “I find myself amusing.”

At least being around him like this is getting easier. I open my mouth, ready to provide some sarcastic comment I haven’t thought out yet. My mouth clamps shut on instinct when I feel his touch on my ankle. The faint contact quickly grows, his fingers brushing up my ankle and calf, leaving drops of cool water across my skin.

“What are you doing?” That’s a--a fair question, right? I’m not sure, rational thought slipping from me more and more with each passing second.

“Nothing, really,” his reply is quick. “Nervous?”

There is no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I roll my eyes, fighting against my instinctual fluster. “No,” a full lie, “You’re just getting me wet.”

“Barely.” When he’s not busy being brooding he’s not much better than an irritating child. He retracts his hand slowly, fingers grazing my skin slowly as he submerges his hand beneath the water. The loss of contact should feel like a victory. It doesn’t. “Y/n,” he shifts closer, back straightening.

There’s an odd seriousness to his demeanor that almost leaves me reeling. “Yes?”

He beckons me forward. I hesitate, but comply, letting myself shift closer to the water’s edge. Kirgan’s lips part, but no words leave him before he moves his arm, purposefully splashing water over my thighs and bottom of my nightgown. I let out an instinctively annoyed sound. “That is getting you wet.”

“Kirigan!” My tone is as menacing as I can make it, but he continues to grin. There’s such a lightness to the look I almost forget to be annoyed. Almost. “I should tell the entire Second Army how much of a child you are.”

My threat does nothing, his smile softening without fading. “They fear me too much for your stories to make a difference.” He says this flatly. “All of them except you.”

I don’t know if I’m supposed to make something of that comment. A brief moment passes in which I think his eyes come close to softening. Maybe that’s a side effect of seeing the world as you want. Wait...what do I want? Him? No, no, I can’t.

Okay, he’s objectively attractive and sometimes I think I may see more depth in him than he wants to be capable of. But that doesn’t mean I’m allowed to want anything with him. Even if he was trustworthy enough for me to be with him in any capacity...even casually, it could never happen. Nothing good could come from having relations with the highest ranked general and I doubt he’d ever want me like that. He likes to fluster people and I’m an easy target. I just accept it because being some level of entertainment to him is better than being nothing to everyone.

“I don’t think there’s much point in fear.” It feels like a fair answer. The fairest answer I can manage, anyways.

He sighs, the sound heavy. His hand stretches forward cautiously. I watch him and make no attempt to stop him from touching my lower calf. His fingers trace absentmindedly across the skin. “Of course you’d think that.”

Again, I don’t know what to make of his words. Or his actions. He couldn’t find anything wrong with me just slightly adjusting my position. It’d be a polite way to remind us both of the natural order of things. But then again, someone like him is allowed to be mad about anything. And I’m not sure I want to remind us of our place.

Actually, I’m completely sure that I want the opposite of that. But admitting that to myself is enough of a risk. I’ve already crossed thousands of tiny lines and what I want will require us to cross a thousand more.

“I’m a little surprised you’re not reminding me how foolish a notion like that can be.”

He lets out a tiny breath as he shifts even closer to me. “Maybe I’m enjoying your foolishness.”

“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or the opposite.”

The slightest hint of a smile is visible to me beneath the moon’s glow. There’s something about darkness that adds beauty to things. I wait for him to reply, but instead of speaking his hand moves further up my leg. I struggle to hide my reaction to his long fingers trailing up my skin.

He’s touched me before, sure. Tiny moments in which he’d push a strand of hair out of my face or wipe at a bit of dirt on my cheekbone. More recently, he had gripped my hip firmly to guide me through a crowd of soldiers. He had been in a hurry, stealing me from a conversation with the only member of my unit that’s been somewhat friendly to me. It wasn’t serious--he had just been rushing me because he only had a minute between meetings and apparently he had too long of a day to not take a moment to speak with me.

“Are you alright, Dovey?” Normally, the nickname and all of its variations earns him an eyeroll. But everything is a lot less humorous with his hand half up my lower leg, leaving a trail of cool water wherever he touches.

His fingers press more firmly into my skin. “Yes, I’m fine--it’s just late.”

“Hm…” Kirigan breathes before tilting his head slightly. “You’re warm.” I stay silent as his hand shifts slightly. “Perhaps too warm.”

If I’m hot that has absolutely nothing to do with fever. “I’m fine, General, I promise.”

“Come closer,” he says, “It’ll take me no time to check.”

...A little too convenient. My nightgown is still embarrassingly damp from the last time I eased tonight. “Please tell me you don’t find me that naive.”

“Naive? No.” He lifts his hand slightly. “Warm? Yes.” I still don’t trust him. “I’m not going to do anything. I promise.”

His eyes are dark and the limited lighting of the moon doesn’t offer me much in my analysis, but what I can see makes him seem genuine. “Why do I feel like that’s not the first time you’ve had to say that?” Despite my comment, I move towards him.

The back of Kirigan’s palm is pressed to my forehead for less than a second. He brushes his hand down the side of my temple, rotating his wrist so that his fingertips can touch my cheek. His hand then continues to move down my jawline and then my neck...and then finally trails down my collarbone. I bite my tongue to avoid exhaling audibly at the contact.

“Warm,” he concludes with a tsk, and yet he doesn’t withdraw his hand. “Though that could just have to do with the climate.” His thumb slips beneath the sleeve of my nightgown. “Perhaps you could benefit from joining me.”

I bite my tongue to avoid letting out a surprised, embarrassingly enthusiastic squeak. I don’t know what’s gotten into him...maybe it’s the night air and the prospect of being fully alone. I should be strong enough to break whatever spell he’s starting to place on me. But I’m not. I’m really, really not.

He pulls on the sleeve of my nightgown slightly. “I’m…”

“Unless you’re nervous?” Another damn challenge. To shy away from this would be to expose myself. He tugs on the sleeve a little more assuredly, exposing my shoulder to the humid night. “Do I make you nervous?”

His voice comes out a shallow rasp. I feel it straight in my core. “...Not more than you should.”

“More than I should?”

Ugh--too honest. I let myself get distracted. It shouldn’t be too difficult to explain what I meant. He knows he’s feared. He wants to be feared. “I’m sure we’re both aware that there are a fair amount of cautionary tales revolving around you.”

His hand falls next to my lap. Oh? I didn’t expect to miss the contact between us so much. His expression seems to have fallen slightly as well. Was it my response to his question? It felt fair and straightforward without being too blunt. “And you believe every cautionary tale you hear?”

There’s something stiff about the way he asks the question. His moodiness is making me miss his touchiness even more. At least then I didn’t have to feel like I made a mistake. Did I say something wrong? “Should I?”

“It depends on whether or not you plan on being brave.”

“I told you...I don’t see much point in fear.”

“And yet you’re still there.” A bit of humor returns to his voice. “Why is that?”

Rolling my eyes, I shift forward, letting my legs dip into the water. This is as far as I should let this go. I’ve already lost too much more control. “Better?” He’s strangely tense again, a hint of something bitter playing at the smug look he tries for. “You alright?”

“Of course you’d ask me that.” He says this with a tired sigh. “You can never make things easy.”

“I don’t understand.”

He shifts backwards slightly. I can feel the distance between us like I’d feel a pebble in my shoe. “Do you believe all the stories about me?”

Is he still bothered by that? “I didn’t mean it as literally as you’re taking it. All I meant is that people are intimidated by you, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s the way things have to be, you’re the only Shadow Summoner in existence and the army needs you to be intimidating so that they can act on your guidance.”

“The way things have to be,” he echoes, his voice strangely weighted. “There’s a specific kind of loneliness that comes with being feared by everyone.”

Oh--I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him feel defeated like that. I reach for his hand without thinking, pulling his fingers towards my lap. “I don’t--I’m not scared of you.” It’s a weak attempt to comfort him, but it’s the only one I can think of. “That probably doesn’t mean anything, but I--”

His hand turns in my lap, squeezing the exposed part of my thigh. “It means something.” Kirigan’s voice has hardened in a different way. “You’re the only person I’m certain of.”

Everything in me seems to tighten at that. At the implication of something so personal from someone so closed off. “Kirigan, you don’t have to be as alone as you feel. You talk to me all the time and you do so in a way that makes it easy to forget the cautionary tales.” His hand moves further up my thigh. I fight as I try to remember our usual dynamic. “You’re the only one that talks to me like that.”

“Have you ever considered that maybe the others refuse to take to you because of the favor I’ve shown you? The instinct to stay away from me is strong enough to extend to those around me.” Kirigan’s hand moves higher up my thigh. “To be near me is to involve solitude.”

“I don’t care.” The answer leaves me too quickly. “Being near you is worth it.”

He leans closer before resting his chin on my knee with no hesitation. “Careful, you don’t understand the line you tread.” Kirigan places his hand more firmly between my thighs. “Or perhaps you do...perhaps you know what you want to cross.”

This time I can’t help the airy sigh that leaves me. Kirigan pushes against my thigh slightly, separating my legs. I feel his breath on my inner thigh before I know what’s going on. I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t even breathe. That inability to do anything but feel my heart pound against my chest only worsens as I feel his lips press into the inside of my thigh. His lips trail up my skin before his teeth gently sink into the top of my thigh.

“Is the line you want to cross?” He breathes the question so softly I feel like I’m being coddled. Everything in me feels too hot to think of any kind of coherent response. Kirigan uses his free hand to pull the fabric of my nightgown as high up my thighs as he can from his position below me. “Or maybe this is the line you want to cross?” Kirigan pulls me forward so suddenly I let out a tiny gasp. I’m not fully on the edge of the banya. “Or perhaps this one?” He kisses the skin of my inner thigh gently. Each time I exhale too loudly, his teeth graze my skin. He gets harsher with each passing second. “Lay down.”

My body listens to him on instinct. How is this happening? How am I this powerless to fight against something that’s so clearly wrong? The sound of water shifting causes my entire body to tense. He’s pulled himself out of the water. Kirigan moves above me instantly, water dripping from his toned chest and dark hair and onto my still damp nightgown.

Before I can speak, he’s on me completely, his lips pressing against my jaw. He kisses down my neck, his teeth grazing against my skin sporadically. He pulls away from me by tracing his tongue across my collar bone. I let out something dangerously close to a moan. “Such pretty, little sounds.”

“Kirigan--”

“The only name I want you to hear from your lips is the only name that I’ve not given myself. The only name that holds meaning to me.”

His lips graze where my skin meets the hem of my now soaked through nightgown. I’m not sure the poor lighting is offering me enough coverage now. There’s no way the thin fabric leaves much to the imagination while being this wet. He kisses up my chest and neck until his lips reach the shell of my ear.

“Aleksander.” The name is grace in the form of a breath so soft it’s more like I’m feeling the name than actually hearing it.

He presses his lips against the spot on my neck directly beneath my ear. I exhale into the contact. “Aleksander.” As I test his true name on my tongue, his teeth dig into my skin much more harshly than before.

I let out a partial squeak at the sudden shift in pace as his hands grip my waist. “Say it again. Say my name again.”

He traces his tongue gingerly over the skin he just aggravated with his teeth before I can speak. The soothing sensation is so much I can barely find my voice. “Aleksander.”

His hand bunches the bottom of my nightgown, raising the fabric to my hips. “...Say it just like that.” Kirgan’s rough hand slips between the bone of my hip and the fabric of my hip. “Like I’m the only one that knows you like this.”

“Aleksander.” I breathe as he traces invisible patterns into my skin with his lips. “Aleksander.” Each use of his name earns me extra attention--a stronger hold on my hip, a more adamant nip at the base of my neck. I feel my need for him so heavily I swear it’s leaked into my bones. “Aleksander.”

When he pulls away, I fight the urge to whine. The night is still humid, but with the absence of his touch I feel like I’m shivering. He regards me silently for a long moment before shifting his weight again. I feel my heart stall in my chest as his hand softly brushes a strand of hair out of my face. He lets his hand linger there, at the apple of my cheek. The entire world seems to stall as he leans down, his hand cupping the side of my face as his mouth inches closer to mine.

“I can feel the fluttering of your heart.”

Any poor defense dies in my throat as his lips meet mine. He gives me no time to think about what’s happening as he presses into me even harder. Kirigan holds my face as his teeth graze against my bottom lip. My mouth opens slightly in surprise, giving him the opportunity he needs to slip his tongue into my mouth. His tongue slowly brushes against mine, coaxing me into total, delirious, compliance. When he starts to pull away, I react, my hands flying forward to grab his hair. He lets me get away with tugging him towards me, prolonging the kiss as he bites my bottom lip.

One of his hands leaves my face and travels up the hands holding onto his hair. He pulls me off of him easily, pinning both of my wrists above my head with one hand. “Easy,” Kirigan warns, “You’ve been such a good girl, let’s not ruin it before we’ve started.”

A tiny sigh leaves me. I can feel the pride he takes in that as his hand trails further down my body. His fingers ghost along the hem of my underwear teasingly.

“Is someone there?” I’ve never damned the voice of a stranger more.

Panic and dread roll in my stomach. I’m going to get caught like this, with my nightgown bunched at my hips beneath the General Kirigan. An unclothed, wet, General Kirigan. “I’m bathing.”

Okay...good...Aleksander spoke. Anyone with common sense would run at the thought of invading on Kirgan’s privacy. It’s a good thing that the soldier had the sense to linger behind a thicket of bushes. “Pardon General, but there’s been a crucial development. A new strategy should be thought of as soon as possible.”

No. No. The thought of losing contact so entirely, of having a moment that should have never happened be ripped from me before it’s even really happened is overwhelming. I feel my lips pull into a pout. Kirigan’s hand adjusts on me, his thumb pressing teasingly over where I’m neediest. I bite my tongue to avoid making an inappropriate noise.

“Five minutes--I’ll be in the strategy tent in five minutes.”

“I’ll tell the others, General.”

Great. I hear the stranger disappear, his feet crushing twigs and grass as he leaves us. Aleksander’s attention returns to me quickly. Disappointment swells in my chest as I take in the solemn look that crosses his features. His hand moves to my chin quickly before pulling me into another deep kiss. It’s too short lived.

“I have to go.”

Frowning, I lift my hand to trace my fingers up his arm. It’s softer than I should allow myself to be, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Not when this is probably never going to happen again. “Do you?” I mumble to myself, half joking.

He sighs once, his thumb brushing against my cheek. “No pouting.”

Now that whatever little bubble we were in has popped, I’m capable of normal feelings. Including shame. “I am n--”

“Easy, little dove, I’ll remember all of this when I find you again.”

This...this is going to happen again? “You’re going to find me?”

“I haven’t yet heard your voice crack on my name as I undo you.” He punctuates the promise with a kiss to my jaw. “Again.” Another kiss. “And again.” Another brush of his lips as he finally pulls away. “And again.”

My breath catches itself in my throat as he moves off of me entirely. Damn whatever change in the war that’s pulled him away from me so suddenly. I sit up as he stands. I’m not sure where to look now that he’s not in close enough proximity to cloud my thoughts. I should leave as he dresses, but I can’t quite bring myself to. It doesn’t feel safe, not when the man that interrupted us could reappear at any moment. Not when I want to hold onto his presence like this as long as possible.

He squeezes my shoulder warmly as he passes before bending down to press one more kiss next to where his hand is.

“Soon,” he promises again.

General taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

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nostalgiaruinedme · 3 years

Note

Hey I love your fics and writing style and well since I've been meaning to start writing fics I wanted to ask you if you have some advice you'd give.

Ohhh advice? Sure, I can do that! I shall bestow all of my knowledge upon you now, but you gotta look below the cut. Shhhh, it's a secret~

Okay really I just knew this was going to be a really long post and didn't want to clog up everyone's dash lol. ONTO WRITING ADVICE

I kind of live by these rules in writing:

1. Know the rules before you break them 2. ANYTHING can be inspiration 3. Remember the doll 4. Use your resources 5. Don’t hold yourself back 6. Practice 7. Enjoy yourself!!

1. Know the rules before you break them

Pay attention in English class (or whichever class for the language you're writing in) and learn the grammar!! I don't always have perfect grammar in my fics and sometimes I consciously choose to ignore grammar rules to make it more impactful, but you HAVE to know the rules before you break them. Study those grammar lessons! Learn how to use the fun punctuation, like semi colons and em dashes and en dashes and all that good stuff. I know they're scary, but they're a lot of fun too.

ALSO PLEASE USE PARAGRAPH BREAKS IM BEGGING that's like, a HUGE problem I see with a lot of new writers. Paragraph breaks are not optional!! Change 'em when the main topic of the paragraph switches or when a new character is speaking. Overdoing it with paragraph breaks is better than underdoing it, I promise.

2. ANYTHING can be inspiration

Have you ever played Story Cubes?

If you haven’t, it’s essentially this game where you roll the cubes, they each land on a different image, and you gotta tell a story that uses all of those pictures. Some are literally just a question mark or a speech bubble and that’s what you have to use. Me and my siblings used to play the game a lot. And you know what? Some of those stories are the most creative ones we’ve ever come up with. When I say anything can be inspiration for a story or a character, I mean ANYTHING!

I based my Donnie design off of the vintage globes and journals I have in my bedroom.

My little sister threw a pillow at me and it inspired a funny scene I wanted to write in another fic

I designed two OCs off of Mars and Pluto and an ENTIRE 40,000 word fanfiction based off of a space documentary I watched

My NaNoWriMo story last year was based off of the concept of shadows and how cool I thought it’d be if they could talk

Me and my friend made an entire dystopian original story commenting on our world today. It was first inspired by a crack self insert Death Note RP we had at 13 years old. Not kidding.

Literally anything can be inspiration. Challenge your mind!! The best ideas come out of completely ordinary and unexpected opportunities, in my experience. You don’t need one of those super detailed and crazy expensive prompt books (though they are fun) to write a great story. Use music, use a color, use the sky, use your favorite food, use anything! Just find inspiration!

3. Remember the Doll

Remember Mulan?

We never got to see the Huns destroy the village and we didn’t get to see them kill anyone there either. But by showing that doll there, the animators took an entire battle full of death and destruction and summed it all up in one, heartbreaking moment. You don’t need to spend ten pages writing about how horrifying the bad guy was and listing everything he did from start to finish, nor do you need to write an analysis on why she’s bad. All you need to do is show one or two very meaningful ways they impacted the world... and you can do that with something as simple as a doll lying on the ground in a burning village.

Because the doll is there; the little girl is not.

There’s a quote that sums this up really well, and I have it written on the dry erase board by my desk.

“You don't write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid's burnt socks lying in the road.” - Richard Price

And adding onto that, try to write more about what’s there, not what isn’t. Mulan didn’t say ANYTHING about the girl in that scene, but by showing what was there, it told us a story about what wasn’t. Focus on what is in the scene and it will tell your reader about what isn’t.

I do think writing a balance is good though, so I try and keep it around a 3/1 ratio of what is there vs what isn’t. Remember this is art though, not math; you can change the formula as you please just to make it feel right. It all depends on the scene and what you want.

4. Use Your Resources

You know how, in the artist community, there’s this sort of stigma around using references? And some artists have to make posts reminding others that there’s nothing wrong with using references and you even should use them?

It’s the same concept in writing!

There is NOTHING wrong with looking to other writers’ work or keep a thesaurus constantly open or bookmarking a reference page of other words to use than “said”. Nothing wrong with it at all! When I write, I always have two tabs open: my writing document and thesaurus.com. I have a folder on my computer bookmarks of ways to describe a smile and a body language dictionary. Before I write fanfic, I watch a “best moments of *character*” compilation video on Youtube to remind myself of how they speak. I watch fight scenes from The 100 or Avatar or Marvel while I write my own battles!

There are SO MANY resources out there for you to reference. Use them! And if you need some to start with, shoot me an ask. I have a ton.

5. Don’t Hold Yourself Back

One of the scariest parts of writing is the thought of “what will people think?” Creative writing is EXTREMELY personal, and you’re going to find a lot of you inside your work, including the thoughts you didn’t want anyone to know about.

People will discover how often you think about love. People will discover how dark your mind can get. People will discover the morals you hold that even you didn’t know about. They’ll discover that the person you swore you’ve moved on from is still on your mind. They’ll discover that the pain you swore you got over still hurts you.

“you can tell the deepest truths with the lies of fiction” - Isabel Allende

This thought scared me a lot, and still does. I’ve let go of and forgotten about so many story ideas because they were just a little too personal. I could write it and not publish it, but what if someone still sees? Writing, like all art, comes right from the heart and reveals a lot about a person. That paranoia of being known kept me from writing so much.

But I promise you, your most powerful stories are going to be the most personal ones.

I wrote Hated Resemblance based on my thoughts about myself, and I wrote Dagger From the Mirror based on thoughts about myself too. A lot of it is dark, most is painful, and all of it is scary to show the world. But I wrote it anyways and it’s created something pretty amazing.

Hell, even now I’m wondering if I should post that lil anecdote, but I think it’s the best way to make this part of my point stronger. See? Writing about things that affect you is the best way to make them impactful, even for something as simple as advice.

And even if you want to write about light and happy stories- you’re still going to have to get personal.

This all got pretty deep but my point is this: Don’t hold yourself back. Write what you feel you need to and it don’t worry about what anyone will think. Don’t hide that one sentence because you’re scared who will read it because you’re scared to be known so deeply. Add it in even when it’s scary.

That’s something I’m still learning how to do, and it’s a slow process that has taken years... but it’s worth it, I promise.

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” - Natalie Goldberg

6. Practice

I started writing in 1st grade. I’ve written regularly since then, and this is my word count every month this year:

Most of that is fanfiction. Some are just random thoughts, some are really thought out posts or answers to your questions, and some are made up of original stories. That total words written number is since November.

You don’t have to write this much every month, I promise, I just don’t really have any other hobbies lol. My point is that practice is really really really important. Write a paragraph or even just a sentence every day. You’re gonna improve so quickly, I promise.

“Write every day. Writing is a muscle that gets stronger with use.” - Abbi Glines

But take breaks too!!! Don’t overwork yourself. Burn out is a real thing and you shouldn’t force yourself to write just because you’re scared you don’t write enough! Write at a pace that’s comfortable for you. There will always be writers out there who write more than you and even more writers who write less than you. That’s okay. Everyone has a pace they’re comfortable with, and you just gotta find yours. As long as you’re writing consistently, the numbers don’t matter too much. 50 words a day or 5000 are both good!

7. Enjoy Yourself!!

You’re here to have fun!

No matter what you’re writing (angst, romance, fix-it, AUs, hurt/comfort, fluff, ANYTHING), remember that fic writing is supposed to be fun!! You’re not getting paid to do this. On one hand, that sucks, but on the other hand it gives you the amazing opportunity to write literally whatever you want! Find projects you’re enthusiastic about, meet other writers, do collabs, make playlists for your story, create over powered OCs for the hell of it, ignore plot holes and write without regard to canon, or write the most realistic and in-depth canon-compliant book ever. Create the most self indulgent story you can think of!

Have fun. This is your story and you get to write the rules. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Be proud of yourself. You can get all of the comments and feedback in the world, but if you’re not proud of what you wrote, it’s gonna be hard to look back on it with joy. Be proud no matter how many reads it gets—you made it!

“I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.” - Steve Martin

#can you tell I like writing quotes #I have a whole pinterest board full of them #asks #writing advice #writblr #fanfiction #meg rambles

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trashcatsnark · 3 years

Text

Questions For An Author

Tagged by the always lovely @shallow-gravy

Tagging: @enchantedbythebidders @tender-wounds @rosyibby

Name: Mariah

Top 5 Fandoms Written: Far Cry 5, Kissed By The Baddest Bidder, Cyberpunk 2077, Boyfriend To Death, uhhhh Mystic Messenger? That feels like a cheat.

Top 5 Fandoms You Want To Write For/More: Mystic Messenger, I really loved that otome, and wrote for it but never finished anyting for some reason. Fallout 4, I fell in love with Danse but struggled to fall in love with the lore (i hate the 50’s aesthetic shit ngl, but thats just me) so nothing ever took off. Supernatural, ironically most popular fic on AO3 is for Supernatural but I never sunk my teeth into writing for it like I thought I would. Boyfriend to Death, I actually have like lots of my one shots and some series ideas for BtD, but never really have found the time or energy to write them. Stardew Valley is a big one too, I adore Shane, but for some reason that fic has yet to catch it’s vibe.

Stories You Wish More People Knew About: Granted, Can You Feel The Sun? My cyberpunk 2077 fic is still very much in it’s infancy, so it’s understandable but I still sometimes am like wahhh i wish it was doing better. But, I know its just a time thing, i mean, it took about a year for This Is Love to do as well as it is rn.

Ship(s) Written The Most: Dahlia x Polyseed, Tsuneko x hinted with all bidders, Aidan x Johnny. Im an oc simp, what do you want from me.

Character(s) Written The Most: Dahlia at this point. As far as canon characters, maybe Pratt since he’s her shit head sidekick.

How Many OCs Do You Have: An amount. Dahlia for FC5, Tsuneko for KBTBB, Aidan or CP2077, Regan for SPN, Scout for FO4, Haejin for Mystic Messenger, Jude for SDV. Unnamed ocs for BtD and Monster Prom. And if you go far enough back i had like a billion shitty ocs for OHSHC, Fruits Basket, Naruto, YYH, One Piece, Digimon, Pokemon, etc etc.

How Many Series Do You Have: Publicly; I have 3. This Is Love (FC5), Black Market Wonderland (KBTBB), and Can You Feel The Sun? (CP2077). Though, unfinished, I did have Blossoming which was gonna be my Mystic Messenger fic and Mad To Live which was gonna be my supernatural fic. And I never named them but I was gonna do one for SDV and FO4, maybe someday, or not at all.

What Do You Do With Fics You’re No Longer Interested In?: I don’t really like to like abandon fics, but like it is a struggle especially when I lose interest in the fandom it’s for. Black Market Wonderland has been on a very long hiatus, but I definitely do wanna come back to it whenever my love for KBTBB is back and Im less frustrated with Voltage as well as some shit that went down in the fandom. I know drama and personal shit shoudn’t impact feelings on a game, but its hard for it not to for me.And what happened in voltage stuff was like, the most personal I’ve ever been involved in stuff so, its hard. But i still love the characters, so hopefully I’ll rekindle that flame. So, i guess I just wait and pray for my energy to return.

Coming Soon: The next update I do, that I have planned for next month is chapter 11 for This Is Love.

Line From A WIP: From Can You Feel The Sun? Chapter 2. (accidentally wrote can you feel the love, smashing fic titles together omg) Also, spoilers for Jackie's backstory in Cyberpunk 2077, so skip over if you don't want.

“I meant what I said before, Night City ain’t the kind of place to let you get by without family, but…” He trails off and chews his lip as he considers his next words. Then they seem to die in his throat.

“But…?” She prompts, trying to encourage him to finish his thought. Jackie then grabs a belt from his nightstand table, stretching worn leather over his fingers.

“Do you know what this is?”

It’s clear it has some significant value to him, but she has no way of knowing what, to her it’s just a belt. So, she merely shakes her head no, deciding not to be a smartass and allow him the chance to get the weight off his chest.

“This belt belonged to my dad, if you can call him that, Raul Welles. He, uh, use it to beat on us.. Go to school overed in welts, have to watch like a coward when he’d go after my ma.”

“You weren’t a coward,” V signs and gets up from her chair, sitting next to him, touching his shoulders, “you were a child.”

“Yeah…well, one day I ripped the belt right out of his hand and showed him what it felt like, turns out he couldn’t take his own medicine. Haven’t seen him since, but keep it on hand, just in case.”

V squeezes his shoulder, not sure what to say or do, how to comfort someone after that. The pains of a shitty dad is one she knows all too well, even when her own wasn’t trying to kill her, he was fixated on making her and her sister strong; training them. She knows all too well that you can’t take away the memories or the pain, but she hopes, being here can be enough. That the comfort of touch can act as a temporary salve for the heart, even if it’s all she can offer.

“Look, chica,” he takes a deep breath, “I don’t know your story, when and if you tell it is up to you. But, my point is. You need a family to get along in Night City, but family don’t end or start with blood. My old man will never be family to me. But, I got…people… who don’t share a drop of blood of with me and I’d take a bullet for ‘em”

“I think…I get what you mean, family you choose is what matters most.”

She agrees, but choosing her family is it’s own beast. Letting people in, breaking down walls, finding a family that chooses her as much as she chooses them. It’s all a terrifying prospect, being alone is easier, more convenient, less effort… Though it has a cost too, of course.

“So, make a choice.”

“What?”

“Work with me, V.”

Do You Accept Prompts?: I accept questions and ideas; I’m always open to talking about my oc’s and their bullsit. But as far as prompts go, if I'm in a mood which is rare and don’t really take requests. I just personally have always found that if I accept requests or prompts; writing because a duty/obligation and not a hobby which drains a lot of the fun for me.

How Do You Feel About Kudos?: They’re nice and I really appreciate them. Comments and bookmarks will make me the happiest!~ That being said I’m really bad about doing that myself so I get it.

Do You Read Fic As Well?: Not that much actually, I’m very particular with what I read regularly and even then, maybe once a week I go on a reading binge. I love fanfic, greatly, but I’m someone who’s like I need to write

#cyberpunk 2077 #cp2077 #far cry 5 #fc5 #about me #thanks for the tag

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thinkingisadangerouspastime · 4 years

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Hi, I might be off base but I really like your fics and you give straight up answers to people, so I would like your take: What is the role of mediocre non-rarepair/non-Z.utara writers in ATLA fandom? (Not saying you are! I am, and I would like some clarity). I write sukka, kataang, and sometimes maiko. None of my stories really have impact. People read them i guess because they're there. I don't get on rec list. People don't do art of my stories. People don't beg me to update. (1/3)

firstly, im glad you like my fics! 💛

and now into the more serious parts of your ask.

my thoughts on the role of non-z.utara/non-rarepair writers (or pro-canon writers i guess we might call them?) are pretty simple: they are of the utmost importance. the richness of fandom is most apparent in its diversity, when you have a million different types of fics and authors and so much more that people can jump into and out of whatever, whenever they want. fandom needs all of its writers, regardless of what pairing (or lack thereof!) they're writing about. the atla fandom would be nowhere without it's canon and fanon lovers, plain and simple.

i understand your frustration. i have been on a rec list once for an mcu fic and nothing more. i've had fanart for one of my fics - one of my least popular ones, ironically - and i've only had one or two (but very lovely!) anons asking me about my wips (without me having sparked the discussion myself). it can absolutely be frustrating when you put your heart and soul into your work and sometimes it just doesn't get as much notice. your feelings are completely valid, and i think it's good you're addressing them (for me, personally, it is near-impossible to write when im holding a lot of frustration close to my chest; this may or may not be true for you, too, but either way it's always good to process emotions). sometimes you just gotta keep your chin up. simple, yes, but much easier said than done. and yet we persevere. i promise you, people don't just read your fics solely because they're there. people read them because they are interested in the stories you have to tell.

that person was definitely... callous. now, i don't think they would read your fic just because of a regular updating schedule (i've opened some fics that update regularly and realize it's not my cup of tea, so i leave and definitely don't go back even if they are updating weekly). the fact that they are coming back every week is a sign they're enjoying what you're putting out there! again, i think they did a pretty piss-poor job of wording it and your reaction is completely understandable (and i do not at all fault you for it), but i really do think the fact that they're continuing to read your fic is a good sign. they can claim it's your update schedule, but they must have a deeper emotional investment to your fic to keep coming back.

also, having a regular updating schedule is incredible. i know i sure as hell don't have one (except with one fic and that's bc it's already written lmao). so you should be proud of that, anon!

yes, i know, fandom tastes can be frustrating. it's true that beggars can't be choosers a lot of the time when it comes to rarepairs, and the absurd amount of attention that... well, basic z.utara fics often get compared to painstakingly researched moderately-popular pairings/relationships also drives me up the wall ("make out over a ham sandwich" is a hilarious example, btw, thank you for sharing it). sometimes you just gotta take a step back and think - hey. i cannot control fandom tastes. i cannot control what fandom likes and dislikes. all i can do is produce content i enjoy, and there are people like me who will eventually find my content and enjoy it, too.

anon, you're not a placeholder. and even if you were, aren't we all? aren't we all digging our own niche, holding our own place in a massive fandom? some people get luckier than others. that's how it works. people get lucky because they ship a juggernaut ship and they write a popular trope and boom - the fic may be a phenomenal piece of work or it may not be - 10k hits, 3000 kudos, 200 comments. it's luck! it really is.

my main advice is this: fanfiction is for you. it's for you to share. for you to connect with. for you to give to people who enjoy the same dynamics as you do. it should be fun! this isn't to say it won't get frustrating, especially because human instinct is to compare ourselves to others, but at the end of the day you should be writing fic (primarily) because you love doing it. and i promise you, anon, they are people who adore your fics and sit on the edge of their seat waiting for you to update. i promise. there are. i got a comment on chapter 20-something of one of my fics where they said they'd been reading since the beginning and absolutely loved my story but had been too nervous to comment. i have no doubt you have readers like that, too. and find your people, anon! i've enjoyed atla from the beginning, but recently i've made so many new friends who enjoy the same things i do (e.g. certain canon pairings) and we're able to gush over it with each other even when our comment sections are a little lackluster. fandom becomes much more enjoyable once you have a few people to freak out with.

in a more general sense, it's always okay to take a break from fic and writing if you need it, and im pretty sure you can turn off viewing story kudos and stuff on ao3 as well if you need a visual disconnect from that side of fandom.

i wish i had more advice or a perfect solution, but all i can tell you is to keep going. your work matters - it matters to you, it matters to your readers, and it matters to fandom as a whole. we are all wooden jenga blocks in a very, very precarious pile, and if even one person leaves, fandom collapses. we need every author, every artist, every consumer. and that includes you, anon. i hope that whatever you do, you continue to create in the manner that best fits you 💛

#amy answers #anon

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graffitibible · 4 years

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Do you have any advice for writing or creating regularly? That’s hard for me and I’d like to get better at it.

it boils down to what works best for you personally tbh. i’ve got a system to write semi-regularly (or i did......restricted movement hours have kinda forced me to restructure that lol) and it works for me but that’s just how my brainyot works. i’m a routine-based creature so working writing into my routine was how i got myself to write semi-regularly.

ive also had significant Brain Junk for most of my life and was gradually able to navigate how best to create in spite of that but im also like, medicated for it and the like so self-care was a factor. i couldnt create shit while i was too busy lying in a pool of my own filth having fits of paranoia about the nature of reality so i was hardly about to make myself try and create stuff when that wasnt even on my radar.

i can share some of the things i do to keep myself writing though! like again this isn’t something that’s for sure gonna work for everybody cause everybodys wired differently but i hope some of it helps!

1. daily wordcount - i’ve mentioned this before but i have a daily wordcount that i do for my original fiction. i don’t apply the same standard to fic-writing because that risks making it an arbitrary barrier that puts too many numbers on my internal list. that being said, it’s very small. i make myself do 200 words per day. if that gets me going and writing more than that, awesome. if not, i still got a little bit done. 200 words is small, and it’s not overwhelming to catch up on if i miss a day. no matter how shitty im feeling i try to get in 200 words.

2. routine - since i’m a routine-based person by nature i basically found ways to finagle creative processes into all that. it’s not hard and fast because that kind of rigid structure makes me balk and i’m not that disciplined lol, but it’s usually something like “i have an hour-long lunch break at work and literally nothing else to do during it so i’ll write in that time period” or “i have thirty minutes of sitting by the stove making dinner so i’ll write until it’s ready”

3. momentum - or what my housemate fondly calls “The Juice.” if i have The Juice of inspiration i keep that going for as long as i can. if something’s not working for me i don’t scrap it or toss it right away. if i’m having trouble with a scene i make a note to myself and move on to a different one. example of this from my latest wip, which is part iv of mayhem

i hadnt worked out what was gonna go there and nothing was coming to me easy in the moment so i stuck the note there and kept going. my works are full of this shit. if i can’t think of a name or if there’s a statistic or a character i haven’t worked out yet i don’t wanna break my focus and momentum so i slap a note in the first draft and keep going. at a first draft stage the important thing is getting the words Out so it doesnt matter if theyre perfect. ill go back and fix them later, revise all i need to. first drafts dont need to be good, they just need to be there so i can spruce them up later.

on the flip side do not be like me and commit to this momentum so bad that you forget that you are a human being who needs to eat and consume liquids. i do that sometimes because of who i am as a person and it is a serious flaw of mine, do not be like this. sometimes getting some food in you is what you need to get The Juice flowing again and that sounds kinda gross and i am sorry

4. planning and hangups - this ones dependent on how you create. i forget where this analogy came from, but i’ve heard it said that some writers are architects who need a blueprint of where they’re going before they end up there and some writers are gardeners, who don’t need a set plan so much as they need to keep going. i’m definitely an architect - a lot of my works start out as bulletpoints of what scenes i wanna cover, what topics i wanna explore, etc. - though i have on occasion simply Written without any set destination, usually to force myself out of a creative slump. me being a big planner used to be one of the biggest barriers for me creatively because i’d spend hours agonizing over minute universe details and never start the dang story. this still happens from time to time. like heres what my organizational folder looks like wrt “pray for disaster”

that is not even all the files in there. why do i have two dictionaries. jesus. like i make these giant ass fuckin....tomes of stuff i like to keep track of, which i like to call “bibles” lol. except i could tell that getting too organized was gonna be an uphill battle with very little payoff so by the end i just made a “MISCELLANEOUS BULLSHIT” doc and for now i throw everything in there if it doesn’t fit into something like a dictionary or timeline

shit like this is why i like to just sit down and write without a clear destination in mind if i’m having writer’s block. that’s one of those things that goes hand in hand with the way i take advantage of my own momentum - if i reach a certain point where i’m just picking at details and not doing any writing i just go “ok motherfucker sit down and write shit. we will work out the details later.”

5. motivation - the ways i tend to motivate myself are weird so idk how true this is for anybody else but i’ve been writing for a pretty large part of my life. i went to college for english/creative writing and got a whole dang degree cause i still wanna make this my vocation somehow. one thing i cannot ever turn off is the writer part of my brain that’s going “oooh huh that’s not how i would’ve written that” in literally every piece of art i consume - tv, movies, books, songs, etc. sometimes that’s enough to inspire me into doing something on my own time. most of the time though if i’m feeling stumped i tend to crack open some of my personal favorite works, like books or fics that have really resonated with me, to fall in love with the art all over again. seeing the way different authors and artists do their craft helps me get in the zone of wanting to write more cause i get this nice feeling of “damn, these people really did those things with those words.....that’s fuckin amazing.....i wanna do that.”

you do risk falling into the trap of “ugh i can’t write like them though” but that’s the beauty of writing. nobody can write the way anybody else does. ofc i can’t write like terry pratchett, only terry pratchett can write like terry pratchett, and if i compare myself to terry pratchett i’m only gonna get sad and mopey. but i can write in a way thats totally unique to me so i should not try to write like terry pratchett because that’s just impeding my own creative energy in the interest of trying to cookie-cut myself into someone else’s zone. only terry pratchett can write like terry pratchett but only i can write like zero graffitibible.

i hope that was helpful? like this is all stuff that works for me so no guarantee it’ll work for everyone else.

oh right and idk how many of yall are minors because let it be known that i do not condone underage drinking; i am an adult who occasionally will get crunk because i like to write drunk and edit sober. if you too are an adult who can legally consume alcohol feel free to write while buzzed because that is a nice way to write with zero fuckin inhibitions. i dont get blackout drunk or nothing just a little buzzed and sometimes what i write makes no sense but i am at times at my most productive at 2am while mildly buzzed. its a thing.

like again i’m not really an authority on this by any means - this is just what works for me. but if it works for you too, great!! find your zone and all that

#anon #ask #z speaks #alcohol mention cw in case anybodys got that blacklisted #theres nothing as liberating as writing after having consumed 1.5 beers and feeling like a gOD #i say 1.5 but realistically its more like 1 #i am a tiny person who cannot hold their liquor #and beer really is just mulled fartweed but thats all right #creating is pain and pain is living and sometimes that entails drinking mulled fartweed cause itll loosen you up enough to really Write #i dont lean on this too much btw #its just like if i happen to get buzzed ill usually go 'you know what i should totally do. write.'#it is at times incomprehensible

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watchmegetobsessed · 5 years

Text

If I Can’t Have You // part 4

sorry it took long to bring this part, but im busy with exams and also had to rewrite about half of it because i hated how it turned out, but enjoy my loves!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3

masterlist

Tens of scenarios run through Shawn’s head as he is on his way to Y/N’s place. He only had one beer so his thoughts are pretty clear as he is sitting in his Uber, impatiently staring out the window, counting the turns until the destination. That last text really just got him worried and he just wants to see that she is alright.

Once he arrives he runs up the stairs not bothering to wait for the elevator and hits the bell a bit too aggressively. When the door opens and a very tired looking, puffy eyed Y/N appears in front of him he feels like his soul is shattered.

Closing up the distance between then he just reaches out for her pulling her against his chest as her arms immediately wrap around his waist.

“I’m sorry if you had plans for tonight,” she mumbles into his shirt, secretly inhaling his scent deeply, something she’s been missing so much lately.

“It’s okay. I always have time for you,” he says, probably telling a little too much, but he doesn’t really care. He runs his fingers through her hair, giving her all the time she wants in his arms, only letting go of her when she does the same. When they finally end the hug Shawn gently closes the door behind him and they move to the living room, making themselves comfortable on the couch. She pulls he knees up to her chest hugging them with her arms as Shawn has an arm stretched behind her, waiting for her to speak up.

“I’m just… having the worst week and I don’t know where my head is,” she lets out a tired sigh closing her eyes. “I’ve been fucking everything up at work, I’m so behind with my projects and I keep forgetting stuff, I don’t know what I’m doing…”

“Have you been eating regularly?” he asks, concern all over his face. He couldn’t help but notice that she got slimmer since the last time he saw her. She looks away, knowing exactly that the answer won’t please him, but her look is already enough for him. “Y/N, you need to eat. I know you are busy, but if you keep skipping meals you are gonna faint. Did you eat dinner?”

“Um… I don’t remember,” she mumbles knowing well she did not, the last time she ate was around three o’clock and that wasn’t even a full meal either.

Shawn stands up without saying a word and walks over to the kitchen as she follows him with a curious gaze.

“What are you doing?” She asks when he starts opening the cabinets, grabbing different stuff from everywhere.

“I’m making you something to eat before you starve yourself,” he exclaims gathering everything he found on the counter.

She wanders over to him, her arms crossed on her chest as she watches him start making… whatever he has in mind.

“You really don’t have to, Shawn,” she tells him pushing herself up to the kitchen island while he is focusing on the ingredients.

“I don’t, but I want to. This is what I do for the people who are important to me.”

He was expecting some protesting from her or at least a denial comment on the last part, because this is what she has always done, made his statements about his feelings for her minor by denying their truthfulness, but this time she is completely silent. This is how he knows something is really off.

He decides to make some pancakes, that’s the fastest and easiest thing to make at the moment and in the meanwhile he makes her talk about things he knows she likes. He asks about if she saw any good movies lately, then they talk about books, he listens to her telling the entire plot of the latest book she read while flipping the pancakes. Then she asks him about music, his latest gigs and somehow they both forget about how they got there, they are just genuinely enjoying talking and listening to the other.

It’s past eleven when they are done with eating and Shawn finishes washing the dishes even though she asked him to leave it for her, he refused to leave a mess after him. Now they are lounging on the couch, enjoying some silence that is definitely not awkward. Shawn reaches to tug her hair behind her ears and she closes her eyes at his touch, almost aching for more.

His presence just changed all her feelings. Having him there made her feel safe and somehow more put together even though her whole week was a disaster. It makes her wonder if she did the worst thing last time when she went over to his place. She doesn’t want to stop seeing him, she doesn’t want to be in no contact with him, she definitely wants to know everything and be able to be around him as much as possible.

But they are living different lives and she has no idea how these two worlds can work together. He is a popstar, sold out tours and interviews are the normal every days for him while she has a regular job, far away from being anywhere in the spotlight and she doesn’t feel like she could take the attention and this is what breaks her heart.

Her head feels heavy, and her thoughts even heavier. Shawn’s warm touch on her ankle brings her back to reality, finding herself staring into his hazel eyes. A gaze she’s been looking for in everyone lately, but never found until now.

“How are you feeling?” he asks with a faint smile.

“Better,” she whispers returning the smile. “Thank you for coming over. I wasn’t expecting it especially after our last encounter.”

“To be honest, I had a second thought of keeping myself away from you when you texted, but… I couldn’t have done that.”

He thought seeing her would be painful, but the thought of her suffering was worse. Tonight brought him the feeling that after all she does need him and might have feelings for him. This is why there is not no regret in him for coming here.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you, it wasn’t my intention.”

“Don’t be sorry for doing what felt right,” he tells her, not wanting to make her feel guilty even if that would work for his favor.

His company doubted everything she thought she was certain about. She really believed this thing with Shawn was just a momentary flame from her side, but the past’s events refuted this theory of hers. She very much needs him, but has no idea how to make everything she said right.

“It’s getting late,” Shawn sighs checking the time on his phone. “I have to head home. Will you be okay?”

She can’t help but feel disappointed that he needs to leave, but nods anyway. They leave the comfort of the couch as they head to the door.

“Call me, if you need something, okay?”

“Thanks,” she smiles faintly. He steps out to the hallway, but she calls after him once more.

“Shawn!”

He turns around, looking at her kindly. The words are right there on her tongue, waiting to roll off, but she hesitates.

“Can we meet sometime soon?” she asks hopefully. For a moment she feels like he’ll say no, but then a small smile appears on his lips.

“Sure. Text me tomorrow.”

She happily nods as she watches him leave. Closing the door she leans against it, sliding down to the floor and hugging her knees to her chest. She can’t decide what she is really feeling, but one thing is for sure. She definitely will text him tomorrow.

A few weeks ago it was impossible to imagine them going back to a place similar where they were before that talk, but they did. After Shawn’s late night visit they really kept their words and met up for lunch the next day, then dinner the day after, movie night, cooking together, all the things they did before.

It’s Saturday evening, Shawn convinced her to join him for a few drinks with a couple of friends. She said no straight away the first time he asked, feeling pretty anxious about meeting his friends for the first time. Shawn knew this might put a lot of pressure on her, but he assured her that it’s just a friendly gathering and managed to make her say yes.

Y/N is trying her best to not overthink the situation. It’s just a friendly evening, she keeps telling herself.

Brian, Andrew, Teddy, Eddy and Josiah are all there when they arrive. Shawn introduces everyone and Y/N is trying her best to chill down and just enjoy the evening. It gets easier when they all have the first round of drinks and she realizes these people are all nice and welcoming.

“Okay, next round is on me,” Y/N announces squeezing herself out of the booth. Teddy jumps to her feet as well.

“Let me help you,” she smiles joining her on her way to the bar. They order a beer for everyone and wait there while the bartender takes care of their order.

“So, I’m happy you came!” Teddy grins at her delightfully.

“Um, me too! I was a bit afraid, but… you all seem very nice,” she chuckles.

“I understand it’s a big step, but we all just want to see Shawn happy and I’m glad you two are working things out.”

“Big step?” Y/N asks furrowing her eyebrows.

“Shawn has been going on and on about you lately, he seems so happy and we are all rooting for you. I hope I’m not too forward, but he suffered so much before. I’m just glad that he is finally settling down at a place that’s so good for him mentally.”

“What exactly Shawn told you? About me,” she questions, feeling her heartbeat getting faster by the minute, but still not sure the real reason for that.

“He just told us about meeting you, and talking things out. Just generally being happy to be around you. I mean, I was waiting for you two to get together for so long, but in the past week you obviously worked things out, so that’s amazing! You are handling everything so well!”

Y/N stares ahead of her as the bar tender arrives with the drinks. Teddy asks him to put them on a tray while Y/N is still just standing there frozen, processing what she just heard.

“Hey, um… I need to go outside for a bit, can you handle the drinks?” Y/N asks her and she nods, but gives her a worried look.

“Everything alright?” she asks.

“Yeah, be right back,” she mumbles before leaving her alone at the bar, crossing the room and exiting the place.

Teddy arrives to the table with the drinks, giving everyone their beer, but Shawn looks around.

“Where is Y/N?”

She slides into the booth across Shawn and smiles at him.

“Oh, she said she needs to go outside a bit. Maybe she needs to make a call?” Shawn’s skin grows hot from anxiety, something is not right and he can feel it.

“What did you talk about at the bar?”

“Not much, I just told her I’m happy you two are making things work.” She takes a sip of her drink as Shawn stares at her in disbelief. “It’s great to see you two finally together.”

“We are not together!” he snaps angrily and the smile immediately vanishes from her lips.

“I-I didn’t… I didn’t know… I thought… But you went on dates and stuff, I really thought…”

“Well, you thought wrong!” Shawn groans jumping out of the booth in hopes of finding her outside.

Running outside he turns around several times, roaming the street with his eyes, looking for her figure anywhere, but she is nowhere to be seen. He frantically dials her number, but it goes straight to the voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. Leave me a message, I’ll call you back as soon as possible!” Her delightful voice informs Shawn who is gripping his phone so hard, the material is pushing into his fingers harshly.

“Y/N, please call me. I can explain everything, Teddy just misunderstood everything. Please, call me!” he begs in hope of hearing an answer on the other end, but there is only silence.

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes x reader #mendes army #if i can't have you

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storiesundercandlelight · 5 years

Text

Loving Loki - Four

Two weeks. Two uneventful weeks had passed since David and I had our day out. The day where we had also said that we would start dating each other, yet here I am sat on may couch on a Saturday morning wondering why fate and timing had been so cruel to me.

I was being selfish, I knew this yet I couldn’t help myself. So many thoughts were running through my head right now. The case was over. Detective Loki was on the news. Missing girls both found and alive. Even the father of the last girl to be found had been located after his mysterious disappearance. I wanted to be happy, I was, almost. David had been gone so much recently, the last two weeks were manic for him, not just because he solved the case but also because people seemed to blow up about this story, about the detective who had single handedly solved this brutally horrible case of the abduction of two girls.

My phone vibrated against the wood of the coffee table beside me, my eyes pulling away from the dull noise of the TV. It was David.

I know you’re mad, I’m sorry I haven’t had any time to see you. Can I come over later?

It was hard to be mad, I just couldn’t justify it. How could I be mad at someone who so patiently and passionately wanted to do his best to find the missing girl, who had risked his well being to bring her home? You just cant be mad at someone like that. But I cant deny this strange feeling inside. It had been almost three months since I moved here and the lonely feeling never fully went away. I almost cried when my friend Kate told me she was coming to visit me, I swear I couldn’t wait the three days it was going to take before she’s due to visit.

I’m not mad David, how could I be? Of course you can come over x

These little texts back and forth had been a constant part of my daily routine for the last two weeks. It was the only thing that fully reminded me that I was even in this relationship. This very new, very non-existent relationship.

Ok, I’ll be there around 5:30pm? We could order some food and watch a movie?

I had to admit he knew how to do it. Somehow he knew after so little time that I preferred to stay home and snuggle up rather than dressing up and going out. Well…except from when Kate gets here then going out is a must, the girl seems to function best under florescent lights and above crowded dance floors.

My eyes drifted to my laptop, still sat on the coffee table “Draft One” the only thing written on the screen. I tried, so so many times to get words out. God I wanted to write something. To pour my emotions out and create something that others would be still glued to at 1:00am in the morning because they simply can’t put it down without knowing the ending. I don’t know what it was but the sudden urge to leave the house was so heavy on my shoulders that I didn’t hesitate with my next text.

Skip takeout, I need milk, I’ll grab something to make for dinner x

I was pretty comfortable cooking for myself, it had been a while since I’d cooked for anyone else but the idea of trying something new with David was so exciting.

Sure sounds great x

I allowed myself a few seconds to smile at the fact that he put an x at the end of the text, its such a petty thing to notice but I did anyway. Then I jumped up, grabbed my coat, keys and bag and headed out.

The little car I’d got myself was useful enough, it wasn’t fancy or particularly expensive but it worked for me and didn’t look like a crumpled up tin can so I think I did okay. The parking lot to the local supermarket was pretty full, I didn’t expect anything less for a Saturday. But I did take notice more than once of the kids cheerfully throwing their parents groceries to each other other the carts. One wrong move and that melon is going everywhere.

I settled for teriyaki chicken, some rice and a few greens. I’d cooked it more than once and didn’t feel like a complete fool when it came to cooking it for someone else. As I walked down the isles grabbing what I need plus extra groceries for the week my phone started ringing. David?

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah I got a five minute break so I figured I’d call, whats that noise?”

“That would be two kids trying to decide which one of them can throw the vegetables in they mothers cart the furthest, I think they’re going for a world record”

“You’re joking right?”

“Nope, you cant make this stuff up, the floor attendant looks like he’s about to blow a fuse” I pushed myself up onto my tip toes to reach a bag of chips from the top shelf.

“If it’s the Harris kid they’ll be strung up from the ceiling by the time you leave”

“You know too many people”

“It’s a small town, so what are you cooking tonight?”

“I cant tell you”

“Why not?”

“Because if I do then you’ll have too much time between now and when you’re due over to realise you hate what I’m cooking and make an excuse not to come” I finally reached the till where a teenager was chewing gum and scanning my items at a snails pace.

“I promise I wont hate whatever you make”

“I’m gonna hold you to that when you taste it and realise that I’m an awful cook”

“Well you said awful first so maybe-“ I heard David reply to someone in the background, the till beeping and the struggle of holding the phone between my head and shoulder while packing preventing me from hearing fully what was said. “I gotta go, I’ll see you later?”

“Oh yeah, sure. See you later” The line went dead just as I’d finished paying. I grabbed my bags and said thanks to the girl who’s eyes were directly chained on the guy working the other till, she popped her gum and nodded at me without even taking her eyes off him.

The rest of the day went by pretty uneventfully, I showered, cleaned the house quickly and ended up in the kitchen. Okay, if I start the dinner prep now I can leave the chicken to marinade in the fridge and then just pull it out to cook when Davids here. I was feeling a lot more optimistic about David coming over. Maybe this would finally be the start of our relationship, no more texting and “Im sorry I couldn’t make it” calls.

I started to cut the chicken on a matt into small pieces, the rice boiling happily on the cooker beside me before hearing a knock at the door. David looked tired, but not as tired as he had been during the case, this tired was a normal kind of tired, not the kind that made him look like he was about to drop any second. As David took off his jacket I returned back to cooking, I could hear his footsteps approaching me and within a few seconds he was behind me, leaning close to me to look over my shoulder at the food. The chicken was now cooking in a pan, mixed with the veggies and sauce.

“I wont lie I could probably eat both of our portions right now” I felt a shiver run down my spine when David spoke, he was close enough that I felt his breath against the back of my ear. His hands were resting gently on my hips. I loved how easy it was to be around David despite the not so normal start we’d had. The over the phone, mostly at work and occasionally in between all of the above schedule we had seemed at first like it would never have worked but I could honestly say I was glad we’d stuck it out. The warmth of him behind me as I cooked our meal felt so right I couldn’t find anything to complain about.

“Why don’t you set the table? It’ll be ready soon” I turned my head to meet Davids gaze a soft smile tugging at the sides of my lips.

“Sure” Just as David turned to go about the job I’d set I quickly grabbed his arm. He stopped to look at me a questioning look falling over his features. I didn’t leave him waiting long before I reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek, teasingly close to his lips. As I pulled away I swore I could see the surprise on Davids face before he smiled and went to set the table. Yes I could get used to this feeling.

The food smelt and looked thankfully as good as it tasted, I poured two glasses of water while David was already happily digging into his food.

“Do they forget to feed you?”

“You have no idea” He spoke quickly before going back to his food. I smiled looking at David, ti had been so long since I’d had the opportunity to just look at him. At the department he was so rushed recently and working out regularly left very little time to fully appreciate the seemingly perfect angles of his jaw or his blue eyes that turned a stormy grey when the lighting was right.

“You’re staring”

“Huh?” I quickly meet Davids gaze, realising that he’d stopped eating and was looking at me with a small smirk. “Sorry, it’s just…I kinda missed looking at you, I haven’t really had the opportunity” I felt heat rise to my cheeks and quickly looked down at my plate.

“I know, I feel the same. I was surprised you didn’t notice me staring the other day”

“You were?”

“Yeah, you were at your desk and had this pencil hanging out of your mouth and you looked like your computer had just asked you to single handedly solve its coding, you were just so in your own world, you didn’t even notice anyone else around you, you looked pretty” David held my gaze but I could see the slight embarrassment at his confession etching over his features, he put his fork down and sighed. “I know this hasn’t been great, this whole relationship thing between us. I wanted it to be better than this but I just couldn’t think of anything but the case, I don’t normally get so involved but those girls…they need someone like me to spend too much time looking for leads and not enough time on his new girlfriend, who was well within her rights to leave me, I wouldn’t have blamed you”

“I wouldn’t have left you David. I know how hard this had been, I saw the paperwork. I don’t blame you for not paying attention to me, I couldn’t, I like you for who you are and if that includes your dedication to your work then so be it” a smile spread across Davids face and I let one spread across mine too and for a moment we did just look like two fools in love.

#detectiveloki #detective loki #detective loki x reader #jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal x reader #fanfiction

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undiagnosedautismfeels · 5 years

Text

Not A Feel / Questions

- Is anyone else still uncomfortable with the word “autistic”? My parents have always used it in a negative fashion and often paired with the r slur. I really really want to loose the connotation, but I just can’t seem to get over it :/ - 🇫🇷🐈

Internalized ableism can be really hard to get past, especially when it’s been associated with negative things for most of your life. You could try using the acronym ‘asd’ to build up to it.

- iiaat to stumble and say words that don't make sense? Someone asked me what I was doing and I said I'm plugging in my shoe instead of my phone. I realized it a couple minutes later and I tried to correct myself but... it happens a lot even when im not distracted or stressed. I'll be thinking about something and my mouth seems to move faster than my brain does and weird stuff slips out all the time.

I would say so. I often stutter or have difficulty finding to correct words when I talk, so accidentally saying the wrong word without realizing would fit with that. It happens to everyone on occasion, but if it happens frequently then it’s probably related to autism.

- Is it an autistic thing to be super sensitive to some smells and not sensitive to others/not be able to tell what smells good vs what smells bad? For example, I can smell the trash even if its just been taken out, but when a classroom I was in was near a sewage problem near the building, I couldn't smell it. I also really liked the smell of some plant, but then my cousin told me it smelled like a skunk?

I would say that’s related to sensory processing, which is something that autism can cause a lot of issues with.

- is it possible for someone to only be bothered by specific things like specific sounds? I've been to metal concerts and i've never been bothered, but car horns and loud tvs/people talking over loud tvs drives me to overloads really fast?

Yeah lol. I go clubbing regularly & I’ve lived upstairs from a nightclub for the past 3 years with no trouble, but I was at the supermarket the other day and was doubled over crying in the middle of the frozen food isle because there was a loud high pitched noise.

- Is it an executive dysfunction thing to feel like I can't work to fix a certain part of my life because other parts are still bad too? For example, I feel like I should take better care of my body, but then I can't do that because my environment is always a mess. I feel like I should get better at my hobbies, but I can't do that because my thoughts are too cluttered. I'm just getting nowhere.

Executive dysfunction I find is “I know I need to do this thing but I cannot bring myself to do it no matter how much I want or need to.” Environmental stresses definitely contribute to that. Try breaking it down into a list of the steps you’d need to take to achieve your goal, and work at it bit by bit. Baby steps are still steps. If your environment is messy and that stops you from doing things, try and work on tidying and organizing things bit by bit. Start with one room, or even one part of one room, and just focus on finishing that little bit before you move on to the next thing. Try not to stress yourself over it too much; you don’t need to do everything at once.

- (Not a feel) I'm not all super jittery anymore! Probably bc I had just gone on those meds. My hands are still a little shaky sometimes but I'm not all dkdjhxskaj anymore 🌈🕹

That’s good! Adjustment periods with meds can be really weird.

#not a feel #mod dylan #frenchkitty asks #ableism #r slur #social skills #language #sensory processing #sensory issues #executive dysfunction #gaymer asks #medication

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lokis-lady-death · 5 years

Text

Doesn’t Play Well With Others Episode 2

Loki x Reader

Lady Death: This is less of a series and more of a few snippets of of stories from Stark Towers in Brazil. Reader is an ice mutant that, when S.H.I.E.L.D. disbanded joined the Avengers. Months had passed since the defeat of Thanos and Loki has become a live-in member of the team. The problem? You’ve been put in charge of his training.

Episode 1 (part one has in-heat Jotun!Loki smutt, but this chapter can be read without reading it if that’s not your fancy)

Doesn’t Play Well With Others Episode 2

Paperwork. The bane of anyone's existence. Monotonous, repetitious, boring paperwork.

That was what your Wednesday had become consumed with, more specifically the finalized, typed up, official statement of the Avengers regarding a special mission you, Sam, Nat and Loki had undergone in Russia (codename:Operation MotherLand). The reason you were doing this tedious deed? Because while on the mission, a civilian was caught in the crossfire. Luckily she survived with only a few bumps and bruises, but (as a part of the deal Tony and Steve had made with Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross in construction of the new Sokovia Accords) there must be a detailed report of what caused the civilian to be injured during one of your missions.

It was a hassle, but a necessary one. Just a small price to pay to have the Avengers reinstated and everyone cleared of their past grievances with the legislation.

But the reason you yourself were tasked with this assignment was a bit more complicated: the woman hurt in Russia was injured due to Avenger-in-training Loki, who happened to be under your supervision. His mistakes, it turned out, were your mistakes.

On Monday:

~”Oh, no, Loki was y/n’s responsibility in Russia,” Sam exclaimed when Ross informed Tony over the speakerphone that there would need to be formal documentation of the entire mission. “I’m not getting stuck with homework all because she couldn’t handle that green diva!”

“No one can handle him, that’s why he was dumped on me in the first place!” you argued. “Nat, come on, you can't agree with him?”

But the Black Widow only shrugged her shoulders. “Im sorry, y/n, but you are technically in charge of him. You knew the risks when you let him come on the mission with us.”

“He has to get experience in the field, you all know that…!”

“All mute points,” Ross interrupted, silencing the room. “I need this event documented or else…”

“Yeah, yeah, or else you’ll have us extradited out of Brazil back to the states and charge us with treason, lock up our loved ones, bla bla bla, evil government jargon. Yes, Rossy. We know the whole spiel, we’ll get you that stuff as soon as… oh no... you’re ….breaking up… Ross-ter?”

“Stark!” echoed in the room before Tony ended the call.

He rolled his eyes and sighed before he turned towards you. “So… about this report?”

“You’re really going to stick me with this? That was an eight month long mission, its going to take me days to write it all up!”

“Then I suggest you get to writing,” the man of iron suggested before patting you on the back. “And next time maybe keep a better eye on our little Shakespeare in the Park. This time someone got a little banged up, but what about next time?” ~

So here you were, writing out a novel’s worth of information to satisfy the governments of the world rather than doing any actual work or training. Which wasn’t too bad, you had to admit. After this past weekend, you could use a break from Loki’s contentious attitude. You hadn’t seen him since the two of you were locked together in the containment box and frankly you didn’t want to.

It had turned out Loki Odinson, declared prince of Asgard, was actually a frost giant. What's more, he had convinced Thor to lie to you while he hid away, going through some type of animalistic heat cycle that ended with the two of sleeping together. Suffice to say, things between you were a tad more complicated. You had an already stressful enough relationship since he had joined the Avengers, so much so that you didn’t need the added complication that would come from talking about what had happened: one time, didn't mean anything, never gonna happen again sex.

You typed away on the computer, trying to push Loki to the back of your mind as you turned up the music on your phone.

He had distracted you since Saturday when the “incident” occured. Afterwards you locked him and Thor in the containment cell to teach them a lesson about lying to you- and partially because you needed a moment to yourself before having to face the brothers Grimm.

You had even threatened to tell Tony about the entire incident just to “put the fear of God” in them. In reality, in the three days since Tony has been back at the tower, you hadn't had the slightest inkling to rat the Odisons out.

And they both knew it, too.

Though you hadn't seen Loki since releasing them from their makeshift jail, Thor had made it a point to find you once he realized you hadn't reported them.

~”I greatly appreciate you keeping this weekend a secret, Lady y/n. It means lot to my brother and I that you didn't tell Tony Stark… though I know I should tell him myself, but you see…” The god of thunder paused, trying to feel out his words carefully. “You see, I don't know if you've noticed, but Loki staying here has been a bit…”

“Messy, chaotic,” you interrupted, “Dangerous?”

“Yes, admittedly all of those things. It's just that I am all Loki has left. He doesn’t feel accepted by the Asgardians, he doesn’t feel accepted by Midgardians. I know him being here is not ideal and everyone has their doubts, but I cannot abandon my brother. So you keeping this secret for him, it really means a lot to us both. Even if he won't admit it.”~

There wasn’t much you could say to him at the time, just nod and go on about your day. Truth be told, you were keeping another secret for Loki (the two of you sleeping together) but you weren’t going to be the one to let him know.

“Shit, I’m never going to finish this,” you grumbled when you were STILL dwelling on Loki and things related to him. It wasn’t made easier that the report you were writing was practically about him.

Accepting you weren’t going to get anything done, you looked down at your mug. You didn’t know how long you had been working, but what was left of your coffee had gotten cold and you were starting to get hungry. Saving your work, you closed your laptop and ventured out of your room to the kitchen in your apartment.

You were walking through the hallway when you heard three distinct, short raps at your apartment door.

“Just a sec,” you shouted, peaking in the mirror that hung in the hall. You cursed yourself for not bothering with makeup this morning, less from the dark circles under your eyes and more for the sizable teeth marks embedded in the crook of your neck from where Loki had bitten you. You pulled your hair out of its tie and wrapped it methodically around your shoulders until you were sure it was hidden enough.

When you got to the door, you tapped the special keypad on the side to activate the two-way-mirror feature installed on all the apartment doors that allowed anyone inside to see who was at their door.

Your heart thumped extra hard at the sight of Loki standing with his hands folded behind his back, impatiently shifting from one foot to the other as he stared off down the hall nervously.

You couldn’t help but scoff, “Speak of the devil.”

Closing your eyes you tried to envision what could possibly come of speaking with him, until he knocked again in the same manner.

This time you managed to make out the squareness of his shoulders, the tightness of his lips.

He was in a serious mood, making you all the more apprehensive to answering the door.

You finally swung it open, meeting his grimace with a wide eyed and toothy smile. “Well if it isn’t everyone’s favorite My Chemical Romance backup dancer. Is there something I can help you with?”

He pulled a piece of paper out from behind his back. “We had training. We were scheduled at 0800. It is now 1200,” he told you pointedly. You couldn’t help but quirk you brow, confused that, of all things, this is what he had come to discuss.

“What a surprise. All the times I’ve had to hunt you down and drag you to training and the one day I forgot, you actually hunt ME down?” You took a moment to appreciate the poetic irony of the moment before declaring, “Yeah, I’m not doing that. I’m busy with paperwork. But I appreciate the enthusiasm, keep it up and I’ll be ready to get right on that training as soon as I’m done. Okay bye,” and you tried to shut your door.

Loki shoved his heavy boot in the doorway in time to stop it from closing.

“No, that isn't all. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you avoiding me. First you didn’t even tell me of the meeting with the man of iron Monday and, counting today, you have missed three training sessions.”

Your eyes narrowed up at him but you didn’t say anything.

What could you say, he wasn’t wrong. Even now, being this close to him, you felt an ache begin to form in the pit of your stomach. An ache you didn’t quite know how to place.

Loki cleared his throat, looking away when he told you, “While I appreciated the peace and quiet at first, now I am quite curious as to whether or not we should discuss what happened…”

You begged your heart to stop pounding in your chest, but failed. “Absolutely not, there’s no reason to do that. We can go back to our regularly scheduled bickering sessions when I’m not knee deep in this report.”

“Report, what report?” There was a height in his tone, perhaps concerned over the linguistics of your report.

“Don’t worry, it’s not on THAT. It’s about the mission in Russia last week.”

“Why?” he asked incredulously. “If I remember correctly, the mission was a success.”

“You realize you caused a woman to get hurt?”

At that Loki let out a scowl, realizing what particular moment you were speaking of. “I diverted a weapon from hitting a teammate- you, actually, if I remember correctly. I thought that’s what Avengers did was save people? Is that not what you heros are always going on about? Saving lives?”

“Not teammates lives, you greased up Link-wannabe, you’re supposed to protect civilians! Not help a building to fall on them!”

In the midst of Operation MotherLand, while coming under heavy fire from several assailants, Sam and Nat were split up from you and Loki. You had instructed Loki to maintain the four civilians with you while you tried to get the upper hand in the situation. You had managed to radio Nat and could make out a clearing to get through behind the shooters. Unbeknownst to you, someone had come up behind you with the intention of ending the stand-off. Loki instinctively grabbed hold of the man and threw him. Fortunately for you, the assailant hadn’t had time to take the shot. Unfortunately for one of the civilians, Loki had thrown the man into a column supporting the roof over your heads, crumbling the the already damaged structure. The building began collapsing around you all and, while all four civilians weren’t killed, one woman’s leg had gotten pinned under some rubble.

“I promise I’m the first one to acknowledge what you did was... helpful. But the fact remains that our job was to secure the terrorists and help any innocents who got in the crossfire. My safety, your safety, anyone else on our team, it all comes after. There is only the mission and ensuring civilians make it out.”

Squaring his jaw, Loki clicked his tongue before responding, “I’m sorry, Lady y/n. Next time I’ll simply allow the enemy to shoot you.”

The two of you locked eyes as you opened the door enough to step up to him. “I’m only going to say this once, so listen up: I didn’t join the Avengers to be saved, Loki. I’m not some damsel in distress. I joined to SAVE lives and while I love every single member on this team, I know, and they know, that if it comes to an innocent or one of us,” you shrugged your shoulders. “It’s called sacrifice. Everytime I go out, or Steve goes out, or Nat, or Sam or even Thor, we know there is always that chance that we may not come back. We do what we can to be smart about it, but the fact of the matter is innocents come first.”

“Oh! Please!” Loki snorted, pressing a finger to your chest and making you step backwards into the apartment as he moved forward. “You expect me to believe you’re so self righteous that you believe sacrifice to be the only way? The midgardian was hurt, but she lived. And you lived. Yes, she may have been worse for ware, but you would have died. I don’t see that as a bad trade.”

“Yep. Self righteous. Okay, Loki, I think that concludes this week’s episode of Days of our Lives, you can leave now,” you strained to say, no longer looking at him. This wasn’t the first time you had this fight. The two of you argued the entire flight home from Russia about this very same thing.

Letting out a sigh, you shook your head. “I’ll pick up our training when I’m done with this report. If you’re so broken up about missing training, you can go play with Tony’s simulators until then.” When he didn’t make a motion to move, you glanced up. “This is the part where you leave.”

You were stunned when, rather than turning to leave you in peace, the god of mischief stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

“Loki?” you spoke softly, feeling a rise in your chest. “What are you-”

“Why didn’t you tell Tony or the others?”

The change in subject was unexpected, and honestly you wondered if he was talking about him being a Jotun or the sex you had. “Maybe I did?” you lied.

Loki snickered at the suggestion, tilting his head to show you the smirk on his face. “Please, darling, lying to the prince of lies?” He tsked. “Really. Why didn't you tell them? I know you have all been itching to cast me out, so why ruin a perfectly good opportunity?”

“Cast you out?” you repeated. You backed away, needing some distance and hoping he wouldn’t notice how tense he made you. “We don't want to cast you out, you hard headed asshat. We want you to FOLLOW DIRECTION. And NOT LIE! Two habits that CLEARLY seem to be a foreign concept for you.”

When the god of mischief only narrowed his eyes, you went on with a sigh. “Look, I already told you I won't tell anyone about you turning into Smurfette and as far as everything else,” despite yourself you blushed thinking about it, “It's really not a big deal. So much so we don't have to mention it. Ever.”

Loki watched you, no longer smiling, but deep in concentration as he mulled over what you said. “So you would keep all of this a secret?”

“What's a secret between teammates?” And in a bold action, you held out your hand. “I'll make you a deal, right now. I won't tell anyone about you being Frosty.” Loki reached out to take your hand, but you retracted it before adding, “BUT you have to promise you won't lie to me anymore cause that shit is getting real old real fast.”

The poker face the god of mischief wore was enough to make you second guess yourself, contemplating just how much risk you were taking in keeping his true Jotun bloodline from the rest of the Avengers. You had never had to keep a secret from your team and the feeling was bitter. You knew after the falling out between Steve and Tony that secrets didn’t make friends, but Loki and Thor were both right: the team didn't care for the raven haired x employee of Thanos. Any reason to discredit him would most likely result in his expulsion from the team.

But if you could train him to not be such a liability on missions, the new development might prove easier to wave off.

Before you changed your mind, Loki took your hand, wrapping his fingers tightly around your hand. “I accept.” He offered you a sly smile that only made you feel more uneasy. You hastily pulled your hand away to reach for the door’s handle.

“So now that's all cleared away, you can go play with the simulators and I can get my report….” as the door clicked out of its lock, Loki reached over your head and pushed the door back shut. You turned, looking up at him as you pressed your back to the door. “I take it there's more?” you tried to say in your normal bemused tone, when really your chest was fluttering. He was so close.

There was a darkness to his face you couldn't quite read, just different enough from his normal brooding manner to make you hold your breath.

It was the same look he had in the containment cell, minus the red eyes.

“Loki, you're sorta freaking me out, you’re not about to tell me frost giants lay eggs that burst out through people's chest right?” It was a half joke half serious concern.

“I haven't slept in days, y/n,” Loki confessed. He pressed a hand against his forehead as he went on, “Ever since I changed back -I cannot explain it- but I haven't felt… myself. Normally once a cycle is complete I feel fine but these past few days...” His eyes left yours just as you felt his hand come up and swipe through your hair. It wasn't until you saw his eyes widen that you realized he was looking at the bite mark he had left on you. “Did I...” His brow creased.

“It’s really no big deal,” you forced out, trying your damnedest to convince him so he would drop it.

His jaw clenched while he tried to read any hidden messages you may be concealed. “Y/n, are you afraid of me?”

“Excuse me? Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm not-”

“Really?” he pressed, closing the space between you before leaning down into your ear. “Because I can only imagine how terrified you must have been-” His fingers traced up your arms, sending goosebumps all over your body. “-trapped alone in a cage with a monster...”

A hard set of knocks vibrated through your back, instantly making you go quiet even before Loki’s hand came down over your mouth. You didn’t know if he did it out of reflex or because he honestly believed you would scream, but you furrowed your brow at him before smacking his hand away.

“Yes?” you called out, noting the distinctive flaring of Loki’s nostrils as he waited for you to give him away.

“Hey, it’s Nat!”

You backed off the door and shoved Loki to the side, cracking the door just enough to not be rude but also hiding the god of mischief. You smiled at your neighbor from across the hall, beaming, “Sup! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Actually, I need a favor. I got a call to go back out to run more surveillance in Russia.”

“That job has really become a shit show hasn't it?”

“You don't even know the half of it. We are all due back out after we get a bit more intelligence on the overall operation. Turns out it's a little bigger than we originally thought.”

“Isn't it always?”

She huffed in agreement before asking, “Anyway, d’ya mind feeding Maleficent for me while I’m gone? Should be back in the next day or two.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem. Her food’s in the fridge, right?”

“Yup. Alright, I’ll see you when I get back, keep the satellite phone on hand for when I get bored of listening to Sam and his invincible move on Mortal Kombat.” You were jealous Nat always got paired off with Sam on these missions; he always had the best handheld games to make the time pass.

“Most definitely,” you agreed, leaning through the doorway to hug her shoulders. “See you. And stay safe.”

“I’m so safe my codename should be Safety Nat.” She shot you a look before you began pulling your door closed. You knew when she didn't start walking that she had something else she wanted to say, only opening it back up when she came out with, “Y/n, are you okay? You’ve been kind of quiet since the meeting the with Ross. You missed our wine date.”

“We had a wine date?” you laughed.

“Every weeknight is our wine date. So you've missed two.”

“And here you are, blowing me off for tonight's date. What a terrible pair we are.” Shaking your head with another chuckle, you clarified, “I’m fine, just been working on this stupid report.”

“How much more you got left?” But she didn’t let you answer. Instead, Nat reached out and took your hand in hers. “I’m sorry you’re kinda getting drug through it because of Loki, but it’s just like that with new recruits. Sometimes you luck up and get trainees that want to give it their all, follow the rules, and always know just what to do. But sometimes you get…”

“You get someone who wants to be a solo act and doesn’t understand how to be a team player,” you finished, feeling Loki’s eyes burning on the back of your head. “But it’s fine now. We’re working on some team building skills… ya know, something to help get him ready for our next mission. ”

“Well, I wish you all the luck in the world,” she told you honestly, giving you her signature smolder before waving her fingers at you, finally heading off.

You watched her disappear into the elevator down the hall until suddenly Loki's hand caught the door and pushed it closed, nearly clipping face. “Now, where were we?“

You pressed your hand to Loki's chest, forcing him against the door, making sure he saw you didn't flinch. “Let me take this opportunity to make this perfectly clear: I am NOT afraid of you. You think just ‘cause you turn blue and have freaky eyes you scare me? Please. I've gone head to head with the Hulk after Bruce flipped out in the middle of a covert mission in Argentina. Blue, green, purple, I dont give a shit what color someone is, i’ll kick anyone’s ass that breaks off from a mission.” Loki inhaled sharply and you could tell you had made your point to the god of mischief: that he, in fact, didn't frighten you in the least.

After a long moment of the two of you trying to stare each other down, you let him go.

“You lied to your friend,” Loki grumbled under his breath while he straightened his cloak,, his eyes never once leaving you. “You said we were working on team skills.”

“We are,” you snapped back, aggravated by his relentlessness. “1800 hours. Meet in training room 7b. And don’t bring this shitty attitude.”

His jaw clenched, his eyes narrowed, all while he thought on the suggestion. “Alright. 1800 hours, 7b. I’ll see you then.” Retreating, he glanced over his shoulder at you one last time before closing the door behind him.

Leaning your back against the door and letting your body slide down, you couldn’t help but breath out in relief that he was finally gone. Regardless of how good your straight-face game was from years of training in special ops and concealment, you were beginning to waver. Putting your hand on your chest, you willed yourself to breath, trying to calm down enough to think straight.

How were you going to be able to train with Loki if simply looking at him made your heart race? When touching him made you breathless?

You ran your hands over your face, letting out an UGH as you remembered you still needed to go finish the report.

Like my garbage? Read more of it! Master List

LOKI TAGS: @socialheartbreak @kcd15 @maladaptive-ninja-returns@nephalem67 @jessiejunebug @woodyandbuzz20-01@bambamwolf87 @kitsuneharo12 @yzssie@macbetheliza@lokilvrr @lokixme @li-ssu @j-u-s-t-4 @letskillthefuhrer

#loki #loki odinson #Loki Laufeyson #loki x oc #loki x reader #loki x you #marvel #loki (marvel)#marvel fanfiction #marvel smutt

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la-knight · 5 years

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BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage.

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

#books of 2018 #book review #aesthetic #Furthermore #Tahereh Mafi

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xurkitips · 6 years

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When Life Gives You Hellbrain...

Y’know what sucks? Depression. Y’know what sucks even more? Depression: Hard Mode. Also known as: coping with the fact that you’re tired and feel like garbage all the time without any medication or other help to combat the constant exhaustion and wallowing in sadness.

I’ve been battling this miserable hellbrain of mine since I was around thirteen, when I first noticed being inexplicably upset/self-hating, tired, and unable to enjoy things that used to make me happy.

Now I never got diagnosed back then, and didn’t until about a month ago, but it was absolutely a very real, ongoing issue that I regularly had to deal with. I’m twenty-four at the time of writing; so that’s about eleven years right there of brain gross. That, coupled with the joys of anxiety, made for a wonderful stew of hellbrain.

Much of that time was a massive struggle. However, going into adulthood I started to find, try, and utilize some healthy coping mechanisms. They may or may not work for you, but these are tried and true for me:

Physical exercise

This sounds like the worst idea ever. Why go do stuff when you feel like crap? But hear me out, it can help.

Sometimes in my low moods and depressive spells, I would be stewing in awful hellthoughts about myself, my future, stress from chaotic situations, school, etc. And as I would lay there wallowing in filth I’d be compelled to just sit in bed all day and not move.

In the warmer months from spring to fall, I started going for walks. For those of you reading this who are anxious about walking alone or feel unsafe, there’s no shame in inviting a friend to walk or taking the dog with you (if you have one). Fresh air and sunshine can do wonders, especially the latter which provides vitamin D and can help ward off depression.

If you can’t or don’t want to go outside, simple things like chores (dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning) can also get you up and moving within your home. Small exercises depending on your physical limits such as lifting weights, stretches, and other things can help too. If you like shopping, need groceries, or have a nearby mall, they’re good places to walk around.

I found that, even if I ended up still thinking bad thoughts, the focus on my surroundings or the task at hand helped me ward them off for the moment. It also got some energy out, and provided some physical benefits.

Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.

Doesn’t seem like it would help much, but having a supply of fresh things not only provides nutrients, but it seems to help mentally. There’s satisfaction to biting into a crisp apple, smelling the tartness of an orange, the crunchy head of broccoli, the sweet taste of corn....

"Milo, why are you getting up on your soap box to talk to me about this.”

I just think they’re neat.

Not sure if there’s any strict science to it beyond nutrient intake, but boy. That freshness? Endlessly pleasant. I think there’s something to that old saying of, “You are what you eat.” Chowing down on largely fatty snacks, candies, and canned or heavily processed food is great, don’t get me wrong, but only ever eating those things? You do feel it, physically, which feeds into your hellbrain.

Supplementing with more healthy choices and a more balanced diet does help. In succession with the exercise blurb up there it sounds like I’m doing that neurotypical thing of, “Fix it with diet and exercise!” but. They’re genuinely good things to consider, so I’m getting them out of the way now.

(Consuming too much sugar makes acne worse, by the way. Learned that one the hard way.)

Changing your sheets weekly and clothes daily

Nothing smells and feels like depression more than laying down in disgustingly sweaty pajamas in a set of filthy bed sheets you changed three months ago.

I ended up in this cycle a lot, wearing the same shirt for a week if I could and never changing the sheets. Which sounds really gross, but a lot of us do it unconsciously, I think. The effort’s gone, we’re busy with other things, you feel too tired to do it.

But, my god, even doing those two simple things can make you feel a lot better. Or at least cleaner and more satisfied when you go to bed.

Sleeping on clean sheets and pillowcases also keeps acne at bay, so I’ve discovered. I found that I would also be sleeping a lot better, too. It can also help in being a small scheduled thing for you which brings me to my next point:

Scheduling dailies

Can be simple things. Eat breakfast, brush your teeth, take a shower, walk the dog, put laundry away. The important thing, though, is always doing those things at the same time every day.

In times when I got severely depressed, my schedule would completely fall to pieces. I slept anywhere from 12 to 5 AM, I ate randomly during the day or often not at all, left clean clothes unfolded on The Laundry Chair, and really wasn’t able to do much. I started making a set morning schedule for myself that I told myself I had to follow; get up, shower, put on fresh clothes, feed the cat.

It’s less combative of depression symptoms themselves, and more helpful with returning to a sense of normality. Also, having something to do that you maintain will effectively get you moving.

Self-affirmations and Use of language

After you complete something, compliment yourself. Sounds cheesy or undeserving, right? Wrong.

Even if it’s as simple as getting yourself out of bed in time, eating, or going to school when you don’t want to, it’s still an accomplishment. Maybe not one worth bragging about to your friends and neighbors, but when it was something you didn’t want to do or was difficult for you? It’s absolutely worth a compliment to yourself.

How you talk about things matters as well. Maybe you hate your job, hate school, hate chores, which leaves you inclined to complain and prepare yourself for another bad experience, which then makes you feel upset. Maybe you hate yourself, too, on top of that. It could be as bad as you think, but maybe it isn’t.

Instead of saying, “I hate this and it’s going to be horrible,” consider, “I don’t like this, but I can get through it.” Or instead of, “I’m a terrible person,” consider, “I’ve done something bad, but I can apologize and make up for it,” or, “I don’t like who I am now, but I can change that.”

Saying things with more positive mindsets can work wonders, and I used both that and compliments toward myself in college especially. I finished a project? Great job! I sat down, talked to, and apologized to a friend with sincerity? I’ve definitely grown and taken a step to be better. I did a presentation that I was terrified of? It was scary, but I could do it and I did it!

Saving heartfelt things from friends

You’re upset. Your friends are offline or busy. That person you’ve been talking to hasn’t responded to your texts or IM messages.

You’re there stewing in worry that they’ve found other friends, don’t want to deal with you, or even secretly hate you. You don’t want to ask them for another confirmation they still like you, or break out rambling. That would make you needy and therefore undesirable, right?

Oh no, you’re a bad person and a worse friend for even thinking about any of this. Here come the tears.

Pretty simple trick that I think helps a lot: when someone gives you a compliment, sends or gifts something that made them think of you, a message about how they do care--save it. Screenshot it, write it, put the item (digital or otherwise) where you can see it regularly. They’re little tokens of appreciation from them to you, reminders of your friendship with them.

Take a deep breath. Look at the screenshot or thing you have and remind yourself, “This person is likely occupied. I have no reason to think it’s out of dislike of me.”

Putting suicidal thoughts in context

This may not work for everyone, but this was the one and only way that I managed to handle this issue on my own.

I would get low a lot. Something would happen that upset me, causing an immediate spiraling into a massive depressive episode. I wasn’t trying hard enough, things were bad, I was bad, nobody like me, y’know how that is. On many, many occasions I would think that I needed to die, or deserved to. No, I never did act on those urges, but they were there. Constantly, at times.

Someone once told me about how suicidal thoughts or intentions were a direct response to the stressful situation you’re in. It’s an easy button, of sorts, to escape your problems.

It’s good to remind yourself that being in a stressed state of mine that at some point your situation is going to change. High school and college don’t last forever. You can get a better job. You can move out and away from your family. One failed school project can be made up for.

And that’s just it. I started to catch myself when my thoughts dipped into that dark place and stepped back. School was stressful, but did I really want to end it all? There were people who treated me poorly on a regular basis, but was it worth it to go through with that just to avoid them? In most cases, the answer to myself was no.

Changes can, and will, be made. There will be opportunities for you in the future. Remembering that there is still hope for you even in your darkest hour can help you pull yourself back out of it.

#milo's hellbrain experience #depression #self help #tw for mentions/discussion of suicidal thoughts #nothing graphic tho #what's up youtube

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girlfriendkisses · 3 years

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1-49 please !! the ones you’re comfy with/want to answer 💕

1. If you didn’t have to worry about money, what would your sex toy collection look like?

I think those big fancy vibrators and that cool super adaptive bed which I don’t think counts but I think it’s sexy so it counts

2. If your body was indestructible, what things would you do?

Lmao get fucked. I’m starting to stretch myself out again which is a process but going quicker this time but I would like to be normal and just like you know be ready. Guess I just need someone to finger me regularly for medical reasons ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. What kinks do you like in theory, but not in practice?

Well I mean I have darker kinks that are just for fan fiction purposes that would be not good in real life but like that about it. Oh I really like public sex but like we are anxious people so probably wouldn’t go down well

4. What’s your favorite physical sensation?

Interesting question, I like it when people play with my hair and like trace my back and arms. It tickes really nice when my bf touches my neck.

5. Have you ever gotten off to a TV show or movie?

As a kid I would watch the sex scene from my step mother is an alien on repeat and I think that counts.

6. What kinks do you wish you liked more?

I wish it was easier for me to be more dominant naturally! I like it but there are steps that get me into the mood or get me comfy. With time it will improve tho 😤

8. What would be the gender-makeup of your dream threesome?

I think that were too possessive for that. And gender makeup is weird phrase. Thorin oakenshield and thirteen only.

10. Do you enjoy taking/sending nudes?

I am pretty exhibitiony and I like to be looked at and admired so yeah I’m very into sending nudes

12. Would you be a stripper and/or visit a strip club?

No but I would dance for my bf and look like an idiot doing it

13. If other people weren’t an issue, what public place would you want to fuck?

Literally everywhere, if it were not an issue I would fuck absolutely anywhere. And when I’m drunk/high I really do not care. Was at a party once and had to physically restrain myself from sucking my bfs fingers.

14. What would you change about your sex life?

The time intervals in between it happening probably. It’s rlly hard for me to practice and get better when I only have sex a handful of times a year 😞 miss my bf

15. How fast do you cum? What’s your record?

I think I’ve only really orgasm’d like twice that I can remember, both had to be assisted. But like getting to the point I’m chill with stopping is like 5-10 minutes

16. Would you ever go to a Kink convention?

Yeah I went to one early this year/late last year (can’t remember) and that was fun; not for a full convention tho, just like a day

17. Do you consider yourself part of the BDSM community?

Not anymore no, I don’t really Interact with a community .

19. Whats your favorite type of porn? (Gifs, videos, audios, animated, erotica, etc)

Fan fiction mostly, I like comics too and sometimes porn when I’m really having a hard time but it takes a while to find what I like

20. If you could have sex on any drug with no repercussions, what would it be?

Shrooms probably, I’m scared of chemical drugs

21. Would you fuck any of your exes?

Yeah! My last ex for sure. Get it babe, Bc it’s you

22. Favorite after-sex food?

My bfs Pus*y , or like his Diet Coke, chocolate cake and grilled cheese

23. What’s your favorite room in the house to fuck?

Bedroom or living room

24. What was your first kink?

Medical experimentation via gummy bear aliens

25. Do you like being scratched/scratching your partner?

Yes very much so both ways; keeping the right amount of nail is key

26. How much pain do you like during sex?

I like spanking a lot 🥰 my birthday spanks were fun ; I don’t really know because I haven’t tested it

27. How long can you keep a sexting convo going?

Pretty long ! I mean I have years long rps going but I don’t really think that counts because that’s just writing and I don’t really get off to it . I used to spend like whole weekends just sexting in my prime

28. What’s your favorite sex story to tell?

Well on principle it’s the time I fingered a girl in a tree because it was in a tree or annual New Years sex on the beach for like 4 years, just because like cool stories to tell. But I personally like to think about when my bf would play with my pussy under the blanket when my roommate was home

29. On a scale of 1-10, how kinky would you say you are and why?

In theory I’m an 8 but I haven’t had time to test it out

30. Have you ever cried during and/or after sex?

I cried during my first orgasm which was a fun time . And other times I have cried also

31. Do you like to dress slutty in public?

I do! But people are weird so I do not anymore. I like to go out looking hot but going without bf is just asking for issues

32. What’s your favorite thing to do to someone else?

Ah well I have an oral fixation and I really like to finger my boyfriend while I suck him off, quickest way to get him off and he gets the loudest 🥰

33. Are you into temp play, and if so, do you prefer cold or hot? (ice or candle wax, etc?)

I like wax play a lot! I tried ice and it was not m thing but the wax was nice

35. What’s the highest age you would sleep with?

Doesn’t really matter but probably late 30s or it would just get weird

36. Do you like cucking? In either position?

Nope nope nope ; do not touch them. However I thought about making my ex boyfriends watch me with my daddy but I am just like that

37. Could you get off on your own porn/nudes?

Okay embarrassing but yes actually I have jacked off to my own porn videos

39. What’s your daily orgasm record?

My Jack off record is probably 10+ times in one day

40. Can you have sex when you’re sick?

No not really, due to the breathing and the dizziness, at least I really can’t be an active participant

41. What’s your least favorite thing about sex?

The joint pain afterwards but that is any activity

42. Do your friends know about your kinks/sex life?

I mean yeah but a lot of people think that I am only baby and cannot top which is false because I can and will . And I make too many sex jokes for my friends to not know I’m kinky

43. In your opinion, what kinks are overhyped?

Lmao punishment and like handcuffs , I like rules a lot but like being afraid if you break them shouldn’t be apart of kink imo

46. What is your favorite way to tease and/or be teased?

I like anticipation type stuff, denial until someone asks me for what they want or breaks and just takes it 😳✌🏻 light teasing touches and stuff

And being teased I don’t really know I like touches over underwear under clothes and if you touch me or say things to me in public or just during the day I will be absolutely soaked by the time we get home/mess around and that’s facts

47. Bra or no bra?

I have no choice

48. Do you like being naked during sex? What about causally?

It’s hard for me to be naked, I haven’t really been fully naked with anyone besides my bf but it’s something Im working on. Ass out at all times tho

49. What is your favorite thing to hear during sex?

Well I like it when my bf calls me babygirl and um I like the noises he makes. Especially the noises he makes when I’m fucking him or he’s getting off on my ass because I’m like yay I’m glad he’s having fun and it is sexy

I can’t remember anything else really but I am a big fan of dirty talk so I hope there is more of it in the future but I know I have problems talking when I’m feeling good

#answered #god this took so long

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septembersung · 6 years

Text

Tagged by @scarvenartist. Thank you!!

1. How many works in progress do you have?

I have four open novels that are in various stages of beginning. The farthest along is the epic fantasy I began in 2016 and NaNo’d this year that I’ve been blogging about. I’m fairly determined to get a complete draft, even if it’s just a sketch in places, down before I move on to another project/take a break. Then there’s a YA high fantasy playing off the powers-of-the-four-elements idea, which has the least done on it; my multi-generational Catholics in Space sci fi which always seems well thought out to me until I go to write a scene; and the whimsical fantasy that was plotted with the help of a friend and Story Cubes, also probably YA, which is pretty thoroughly conceived but I scrapped the drafts I’d started and am going to begin again with a more developed tone. I’m also still poking away at my current poetry manuscript, editing and reordering, wondering if it’s actually complete. I’ve also finally started writing new poems again after a months long hiatus, this time tackling sonnets. My plan for months now has been to do an in-depth practice and study of traditional meter and form in the new year, beginning with reading translations of ancient epics and throwing in some Shakespeare, so that will go nicely with sonnets. My nonfiction project is current in a research, note making, and mulling lull.

2. Do you/would you write fanfiction

I wrote some pretty bad fanfic in high school. It began with Harry Potter, but not until I needed a way to process my grief after HBP. I was always more interested in reading fanfic, and writing my own stuff. I don’t read much of it any more, though I have happily read some of the Batfam stuff that’s come across my dash (and I don’t even go there!). I’m glad that fanfiction is A Thing that exists in the world, although there is a large swath of it I would burn down and salt the earth after without a second’s hesitation.

3. Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

I see the practicality and situational uses of ebooks in theory, but in practice have only used them a handful of times, and then only when there wasn’t another option. I compose on a screen a lot, but physical paper is crucial to my process, and I read and absorb better on paper. I believe it is a universal absolute that the more digital and abstract our world gets, the more it is vitally important - literally, necessary to living - that we are grounded in the physical world, especially in those things which are a big part of our brains and hearts and lives. Personally, since books and words are a major part of my existence, it’s important that they be solid as much as possible, in part as a counterweight to the internet and reading/doing blogging, which is necessarily digital, and makes up a big portion of my daily word consumption.

4. When did you start writing?

Somewhere between ages three and five. (I was a very early reader.) My first “novel” was several sheets of construction paper stapled together and it was about a giant sentient carrot. I have a distinct memory of writing the letter E, but I couldn’t remember how many horizontal lines it had, so I gave it lots, just to be safe.

5. Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

I’ve shared two of my novel WIPs with various friends and internet-friends online. The only people who regularly see my poetry in progress are my husband and @byjoveimbeinghumble. I can always count on Husband for support and an honest non-poet’s reaction, and Sharon has a wonderfully critical eye for form and clarity. @moochiethinks has been seeing lots of Eleyus as we do near-daily word wars, which has been wonderfully useful as a discipline and as a daily dose of positive feedback. I’m trying to be more open about sharing my fiction; it helps me to ‘get over myself.’ But now that I’ve made some progress there I need to find a balance and draw a line. I’m way too easily tempted into throwing words on paper and then asking the world for adulation.

6. Where is your favourite place to write?

In my library, on the couch or at my desk (which is finally cleaned off and nearly organized!) I sometimes retreat to my bed and lock the door if I’m in the middle of something important and can’t get any peace, when Husband is home to watch the kids. I also love going to a certain coffee shop, or occasionally the local library.

7. Favourite book as a child?

I read Anne of Green Gables and Little House (and its spin offs) and Narnia a great deal, and later Harry Potter. There was a few months after OOTP came out where I read nothing but OOTP, over and over.

8. Writing for fun or publication?

The two aren’t separate for me. Poetry is more nuanced, as individual poems have different geneses and purposes, but publication is part of the fun of storytelling; sharing a complete story, telling it ‘out loud’ as it were, has always been part of the appeal, ever since I was a child. I’ve already scoped out publishers and agents for Eleyus.

9. Have you taken writing classes?

Often the best writing classes are literature classes. We learn an art by immersing ourselves in it; much of the foundation is simply education, absorbed into how we think and see the world. (Although, many lit classes today are rubbish because they aren’t lit classes at all, but leftist ideology training grounds.) Writing classes are great for people who need help jumping the hurdle from processing to creating - and at some point or several, whatever form the ‘class’ takes, most of us need that help - but there is good and deserved criticism about the way writing is taught, at every level. That said, long ago I earned a certificate in YA/children’s lit, I was an English lit minor, and I have an MFA in creative writing.

10. What inspired you to write?

Reading. I’ve loved books from the earliest moments of my childhood. I read, and then I wrote something for others to read. It was natural as breathing. I can’t imagine one without the other.

I’m not sure who all has done this already, so I’m tagging @praise-the-lord-im-dead, @moochiethinks, and anyone who wants to do it.

#my writing life

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