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in-ky · 3 years

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Hi! I’d love a story about Negan being a serial killer who only kills “bad people” (like in Dexter) and maybe he saves the reader from her ex who’s about to kill her and Negan can save her and takes her in because she’s a mess but she’s actually a killer herself (who kills rapists etc/ only the bad ones) and Negan and the reader start fighting and then get caught up in steamy hot sex 🥵 thank you!

Savior - Negan Killer AU

Warnings: Warnings: GORE + violence, smut, domestic abuse, swearing, dirty talk ig? idk how to tag this lol

A/N: hey! i struggled over this one for a while lol. ive only seen like. 3? episodes of dexter so. i really hope this meets your expectations! also forgive any mistakes its late, im tired, and i wanna get this up lol. also, is negan batman? maybe. 3.7k words

"Will, stop you're hurting me!" I hissed, grabbing at his wrist. He tugged me out of the bustling restaurant and into the dark street.

"I don't really give a shit," He snarled, throwing me into a secluded alleyway a few buildings down from the restaurant. Will had taken me out to a business dinner with his boss in hopes of showing me off and making a good impression. But things didn't quite go according to plan. "You embarrassed me in front of everyone!" He pushed me against the brick wall of the closed department store.

"What was I supposed to do?" I sneered, trying to wiggle away from him "He kept commenting on my body, saying how he wished he could take me home at the end of the night and do all kinds of 'unspeakable things to me'."

"You were just supposed to shut up and take it!" Will said, voice filled with rage "But no, you and your untamable fucking complex just couldn't handle a compliment. You threw your drink in his face! You're lucky he didn't fire me right then and there. You made me look like some pussy who can't control his whore."

"You're an asshole." I shouted, tears welling at the edges of my eyes. Will's face contorted further into a look of pure, unadulterated hatred.

"What the fuck did you just call me?" He seethed, clasping his hand tightly around my throat and constricting his fingers around my airway.

"I said you're an asshole who cares more about his dead-end career than his fucking girlfriend." I croaked. I hated him. I hated him so much. My vision clouded with the combination of disgust, loathing, and lack of oxygen, so I hit him where I knew it hurt. "There's a reason you needed me for arm candy tonight. It's 'cause you're a boring, piece-of-shit, lowlife who has no skill whatsoever. How does it feel knowing you need me to make something of yourself?" With that, he threw me to the ground by my throat. He wasted no time and pinned me to the cold concrete. His knees dug into my shoulders and his hand flew to his back pocket, whipping out the switchblade he carried as a precaution against mugging. My eyes widened as they caught a glint of the moonlight off the sharp knife. He brought the blade up to my throat and slapped me over the cheek harshly with his free hand.

"You better take back those words, bitch," He hissed, pressing the blade into the soft skin of my jugular "or they might just be your last." A dribble of blood ran down my neck with the pressure. Realization flashed through my mind. I could die right then. That could have been my last moment. Was I scared? No. Why wasn't I scared? Maybe it had to do with the shadowy figure that was slowly approaching us from the ally entrance.

There was plenty of time for me to warn Will that someone was coming. But I didn't. Instead, I stayed quiet and watched as the shadow figure pulled Will from my body with ease and tossed him to the side. Everything was kind of a blur. I was still oxygen starved and filled with a whirl-wind of emotion. I heard Will cry out in surprise and indignance. The shadow figure said nothing. It saw the switchblade with a steady line of my blood. It kicked Will in the chest, knocking him to the ground. Then it lifted up a baseball bat over its head and cracked it down over Will's skull. He continued to beat Will until he stopped squirming. The shadow figure paused and swung the bat over his shoulder. I had regained my breath and pushed myself to my elbows. The shadow noticed me moving and took a few heavy steps in my direction. I squirmed away slightly, instincts telling me to get away from the thing that had just pulverized my boyfriend. The shadow entered a stream of moonlight. It was a man. He had peppered hair and a blood-speckled face. He had dark brown eyes and a small smile perched on his lips.

"You okay, sweetheart?" He said. His voice was deep. I was partially surprised. He wasn't a bulky man. He was tall and had a broad frame, but his limbs were long and his body was lithe. He wore a leather jacket and his boots were slick with what I could only assume were Will's brains. I didn't want to look at his bat.

"W-Why did you do that?" I whispered. It was all I could muster.

"He was going to kill you." The man sounded confused, like I was supposed to know who he was and why he saved me.

"You don't know that." My voice was quiet. My eyes were glued to a spot behind the man, unblinking. He let out a throaty chuckle and dropped to a squat, leveling with me.

"Doll, he had a knife pressed to your throat," His words were gentle "Looked like he was gonna fuckin' kill you." He hesitantly reached out two fingers in the direction of my face. I didn't move. He was wearing leather gloves. The ridged fabric ran along my injuries. "Seems like he did some damage before I could step in. Damn. Sorry about that. Listen, I live a few streets down. If you want, I can get you cleaned up."

"Okay," I said softly. I let him help me up to my feet. He guided me along with one arm while holding his bat with the other. As we walked out of the alley I couldn't help but look down at Will, or what remained of him at least. His forehead was split in half, a pool of chunky blood bubbling on the ground. I clenched my jaw and forced myself to swallow the bile that had risen in my throat. And yet, I didn't feel sad. I didn't mourn him. Maybe it was shock, maybe it wasn't. "Thank you?" I murmured, though it was more of a question. The man and I stepped out onto the street and I was grateful there was no one around to see us leaving the scene of a very heinous-looking crime.

"No problem, doll," The man hummed, setting a brisk pace down the sidewalk. "The name's Negan, by the way." Cool. Negan: my Savior.

~~~

"So you're like Batman?" I asked Negan as he dabbed the blood away from my neck. He gave a short chuckle and tore away the sticky part of the band-aid.

"I guess you can say that," he mused, splaying the bandage over the cut the knife had left "but I specifically go for people that I know have hurt others. The baddies, if you will."

"Is that legal?" I tilted my head, crossing my ankles as they dangled over the bathroom counter. My palms were flat on the surface of Negan's marble sink top, fiddling with the wrappers of the medical supplies he had used to clean and bandage my small cuts and bruises.

"I haven't been caught," Negan shrugged "besides, it's less work for the police. They don't have to do any interrogation bullshit or anything. I usually catch people in the act, like tonight. Then I do my thing."

"Do you kill everyone?"

"Only the bad people," He reminded, tossing away a bloody tissue "only people who have hurt others. But, yes, usually the offender ends up on the business end of Lucille over there." He pointed out the door into the living room, where the still-bloody bat rested against a chair. I furrowed my brow.

"Well, doesn't that make you a bad guy?" I pressed. He tapped my knee and I dropped down to the tile floor, tucking my hair behind my ear and gathering some of the scraps.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you still kill people, right? Even if they're bad? So doesn't that still make you a killer?" Negan was quiet for a minute. "Let's put it this way," I continued "What would you do if you came across someone who was like you; someone who hurt the bad people. Would you still kill them. They're hurting people." Negan took a deep breath and let it out with a contemplative sigh, itching his bearded chin.

"I'm not sure," He mused "I've never really thought about it before. See, I don't consider myself a bad person per say. Yea, what I'm doing might be considered fucked up. But I'm doing it for the right reason. I'm protecting people by attacking their attackers. In the end, someone's saved." He brushed off his hands and led me out of the bathroom, flicking the light off. "Would you rather me not have saved you tonight?"

"No," I said immediately "thank you. Really, thank you. You saved my life. Will is...was...always a dick, but I never thought he'd actually hurt me. I guess that proves people can have a whole bunch of layers." Negan nodded and moved to the kitchen. He raised a bottle of whiskey as an offering. I shook my head but he poured himself a glass.

"I was just doing my job," Negan grinned sympathetically "I'm sorry your boyfriend was an asshole who tried to murder you." I shrugged, amusement in my eyes.

"Eh, it happens to everyone." I smiled as he let out another laugh. I felt as if I shouldn't be laughing, but at the same time, everyone has their own responses to almost getting stabbed to death in an alley. So I let myself have this moment. Besides, Negan was a good guy to be around. He made me feel safe, comfortable, secure. Everything I needed right now. "So, Negan, what do you do? Surely vigilante-ing can't pay well, and this apartment is really nice."

"I'm a retired baseball player," Negan said, sipping his whiskey and settling into one of the armchairs in the living room "Hence the bat."

"Were you any good?" I asked. He let out a loud scoff.

"Was I any good?" He mocked "Sweetheart, I have a whole damn trophy room. I was fucking amazing. I just got old."

"So you're rich with no real job, you kill bad guys, and you have a massive ego," I listed "You really are like Batman, aren't you?"

~~~

Negan let me stay on his couch that night. It was leather, like everything else that man seemed to own, but it was comfortable. I woke up to the smell of bacon filling the air. I groaned and rubbed my fists against my eyes, clearing them of sleep. I stretched my arms above my head in a yawn and rolled off the couch, stumbling into the kitchen. Negan was hunched over the bubbling pan, dodging pellets of grease as they shot up at him.

"Smells good!" I purred, closing my eyes and taking a deep inhale.

"Good," He grumbled "You better fucking enjoy it because I've gotten burned at least three times." I laughed and walked up to him examining the small red patches that dotted his arms.

"You didn't have to make me breakfast you know."

"Yea, but I wanted to make sure you were comfortable," He sighed, turning off the stove and scooping the cooked bacon onto a paper towel. "Besides, I was craving some bacon when I woke up. I haven't had someone to share a meal with in a while."

"Well, if you want, you can come by my house for dinner." I offered, crunching down on a piece of bacon "I've been meaning to whip out the family alfredo recipe for a while, maybe a hot date would give me that incentive." I gave him a playful wink and he chuckled.

"Sure thing, doll," He hummed, putting the pan in the sink "I love me some fucking spaghetti. I'll see you around seven?"

"Sounds good."

~~~

I ran down the sidewalk, chest heaving. There was enough darkness to cover me, but I still kept my head down to prevent recognition. I held my hands close to my stomach, praying that the blood on my fingers wouldn't drip on the pavement and leave a trail. I had been on my way home from the store when I heard some commotion coming from an alley. My first instinct was to run, but then I heard the girl crying for help. Negan came to mind, what he did, how he helped people. I couldn't turn away. I marched down the alley and saw a greasy man pinning a woman to the wall of a building. Flashbacks of the night before hit me like a train. I looked on top of the alley dumpster and saw a crowbar perched on one of the lids. I grabbed it and stormed up to the man, whacking him upside the head with the weapon. I kicked him to the side and brought the crowbar over my head before swinging it down. It connected with his face in a sickening 'thwack.' I thought of Will. I thought of what might of happened if Negan had never stopped him. I thought of all the times that bastard had gotten drunk and told me I was nothing. I let the rage bubble up and fuel my beating. By the time I was pulled back into the moment, my muscles were screaming, the woman was gone, and the man's face was unrecognizable. I tossed the crowbar into the dumpster and ran back home.

Dried blood is extremely hard to wash off. It sticks to your skin in flakes, creating a pattern of red veins crawling over your hands. Fuck. I scrubbed as hard as I could under the rushing water of the sink, pumping more and more soap into my hand. It was under my fingernails. It was stuck in my palm prints. Shit, did I leave fingerprints at the scene? Would they be coming for me? With a hiss, I rubbed even harder at my skin, small flecks of blood turning the sink water red.

Suddenly, my door opened.

"I'm ready for my s'getties!" Negan boomed with a wide smile. My head whipped around, looking at him with wide eyes. His grin faded and he crossed the room in record time, grabbing my wrists and turning the sink off. "Is this fucking blood?" He snarled, bringing my hands up to my face. I clenched my jaw and dropped my eyes to my feet. "Jesus, who's is it? Answer me!"

"I-I heard someone screaming on the way home," I said quietly, eyes still downcast "I thought I would help..." His jaw went slack and he let go of my hands, running his fingers through his hair.

"Jesus fuck, you can't just go around killing people!"

"Why not?" I snapped, eyes meeting his "You do it all the time? What's the difference? Why can't I help people?"

"Because it...Because you just can't!" Negan growled, shaking his head.

"Why are you so special?" I hissed back, drying my hands off on a towel before tossing it at him "It's not like you can get a permit for fucking murder. Why do you do it, anyways? Is it some perverted thing? Do you get off on saving people from attackers?"

"Watch yourself." Negan warned, eyes darkening.

"Pfft, or what?" I laughed, tossing my head back "What are you gonna do, kill me? I'm not afraid of you, Negan." As soon as the words left my mouth, he charged me. His hand flew to my throat, squeezing my airway lightly. His hips pressed me against the counter. I let out a small gasp when he shoved his face next to mine.

"Oh, but doll, you really fucking should be." He spat, curling his lip "I could snap your neck right here, right now." He gave a small squeeze to emphasize his words. I let out a strangled moan. We both froze. "Are you turned on right now?" He muttered, furrowing his brow. I licked my lips and squirmed in his grip, pressing my thighs together slightly in an effort to alleviate the warm pressure growing in my belly.

"No," I lied, voice weak. A sinister grin curled over the bottom half of his face and he licked his tongue over his teeth.

"And I'm the perv, huh?" He sucked on my earlobe and peppered kisses down my jawline "Sweetheart, tell me, do you want me to fuck that pretty little pussy of yours? Do you want me to make you cum harder than you ever have?" I whimpered at his dirty mouth. "Use your words, doll, or I'll leave right fucking now."

"Y-Yes!" I breathed as Negan's lips sucked on the sweet spot right beneath my ear.

"Yes, what, princess?"

"Yes, I want you to fuck me, please!" I groaned, clawing at his shirt. He let out a short chuckle, muttering something about how needy I was, but I didn't care. Right now, the only thought running through my head was that I needed Negan. I needed all of him. And damn me if I wasn't going to get it.

We clawed at each other's clothes like rabid animals. Once we were completely bare, Negan moved his kisses down my body. His large, calloused hands kneaded my breasts, twisting my nipples between his thumbs. My arms flew around his neck and I dragged my fingernails up his back. He shivered against my touch and slid his hands further down my body. They settled firmly on my hips as he captured my lips in a fervent kiss.

"Fuck, sweetheart," he grunted, pulling back for air. I looked at him. His tawny eyes were now black, pupils far beyond dilated with lust. Both of our lips were swollen and red from the intensity of our kisses. Negan's chest inflated and deflated quickly as his eyes roamed over my body. "You're so damn perfect." I smiled sheepishly and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, looking up at him through lidded eyes.

"You're not so bad yourself," I reached out my hand and used my pointer finger to draw a line from his collar bone down the center of his chest and through his navel, finally ending right over his pulsing cock. He sucked in a breath as my fingers closed around him. My thumb swept over the hot tip, gathering precum on the pad of my finger and rubbing it around.

"Shit," He hissed as I slowly pumped him "I'm not gonna fucking last if you keep doing that." He gently pried my hand away and took a step closer to me. I could feel his hardened length resting against the inside of my thigh. The thought of him being so close made a burst of heat rush down between my thighs. Negan took a long finger and ran it through my folds, collecting my wetness. I moaned as he teasingly dipped the first knuckle into me. He pulled back and let out a low whistle. "Damn, girl," he chuckled, raising his finger to my face "You're fucking dripping. Who's that for?" His slick-coated fingers glistened in the light of my apartment. I let out a deep groan as he slid them between his lips and sucked.

"You, Negan!" I whimpered, wrapping my legs around his waist "It's all for you." A wolfish grin spread over his features as he tugged me off him and pulled me down off the counter. He spun me around and pressed gently between my shoulder blades until my chest was flat against the cold surface.

"Then if you don't mind," Negan cooed, lining himself up with my entrance "I'm going to take what belongs to me." With that, he slowly pushed into me. I gasped at the stretch, balling my hands into fists as he continued to split me open.

"Fucking shit," he groaned once he bottomed out "you're tight as hell. I bet you've never had a dick as big as mine." He pulled out slightly and I let out a moan at the growing emptiness inside. The moan soon turned to a yelp when he brought down his hand against my ass. The smack was loud and he rubbed the red spot tenderly. "Have you?"

"N-No!" I gasped when he thrusted into me for the first time "Never. Fuck, you feel so good." Negan's thrusts sped up, his hips snapping against my ass in an obscene rhythm. Grunts and moans of pleasure slipped from both of our lips as he plowed unapologetically into me. I could feel every inch of him. He was hitting every spot, dragging against my walls in a sinfully perfect way.

"You're doing so good," He purred, kissing and biting my shoulder "So good for me. You're so perfect." I tossed my head back and he grabbed my chin, tilting my face towards him so he could give me another bruising kiss. I could only keep up for so long, though, and the white bliss of pleasure he was giving me soon became overwhelming. My jaw went slack and my head dropped against the cool tile of the counter in an attempt to ground myself in the moment. "I want you to cum, doll, cum around me. Wanna feel those walls squeeze me." His thrusts were starting to become sloppy and I could tell he was getting to his end. One of his fingers danced down my spine and found its way to my clit. He circled it with just enough pressure to get me to the edge that I was so willing to jump off. "Now." Negan growled. I obeyed, feeling the band in my lower abdomen snapping violently. We reached our releases simultaneously. My walls clenched around him, milking him of every drop. I screwed my eyes shut and screamed his name, holding in a large breath as the world around me spun. Negan eventually pulled himself out and collapsed on top of me. We both were breathing heavily, sweaty bodies entangled as well as we could over a counter. I swallowed, my throat dry from panting through my orgasm. When my eyes fluttered open, I could see Negan's thumb tracing circles over the love bites that were starting to darken on my shoulders.

"Are you going to kill me?" I rasped, running a hand through my wild hair "I guess I'm a bad person now." Negan chuckled, still out of breath.

"I think I'll make an exception," He mused, pressing a sweet kiss to the shell of my ear "I don't think I'm ready to let you go just yet."

#negan x reader #negan x y/n #negan smut #negan x you #negan smith #au!negan #the walking dead #twd smut #twd negan

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1990jeevas · 3 years

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Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

#shit self #asks #the get down #mylene cruz #shaolin fantastic #dizzee kipling #long post #analysis #info dump #idk if anon has seen tgd or is just being nice so i tried givinh background to things #kinz #bangerz #discourse

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pliocene-palfrey · 3 years

Note

legitimate curiousity here: why do you dislike kacchako? i havent read the manga so am i missing something? its ok if you dont want to talk about it. i also enjoy bkdk, i can understand not liking it, even hating it, but why so much? the other stuff on your byf is like explictly pedophilia or abuse. again, if you dont want to talk about it thats fine, i'll softblock you if that makes you more comfortable

Bakugou is a flagrantly abusive character that, of the last time I checked in on bnha, has still not changed his behavior in a substantial way, faced consequences for his actions, or apologized. I don't care if it's "not in character" for him to do so. I hold fictional characters to the same standards I would a real person, so I do not like him. I don't trust people who ship Uraraka with him on principal, since the inciting moment for that ship was him kicking the shit out of her and since that moment there has been, as far as I can remember, no development of their relationship, platonic or otherwise.

As for softblocking, first of all thank you for offering, I appreciate it. Second of all, I'm not sure that the ship is on par with the others on my byf at this point, especially as it's something that could POTENTIALLY be valid in like. Au works that actually address Bakugou's flaws, like rewrites and stuff, because the history isn't there like in bkdk. I think I'm gonna just remove it from the list as it's way less severe than the others, since it should really be a "huh ok ur on thin ice im watching you" for other red flags instead of a knee jerk thing. Context matters you know.

I'm assuming that we're somewhat acquainted based on you sending me this in the first place, or you at least are like. Normal. As in not an abuse apologist. Based off of your politeness. So on the kacchako grounds, no, you don't have to block me unless you want to independently.

As for the bkdk, however. I am more iffy about this. Like I want to show you the same courtesy you've shown me here, so if you're amendable dm me and we can discuss why/the conditions of you shipping it so I can see if you're an. Ugh this sounds bad. Exception??? Idk how to word it without sounding immoral. And by discussion I genuinely mean discuss, not argue or fight or whatever.

If you're not comfortable with that feel free to like. Just sort of leave your identity in mystery and continue as you were. What I don't know can't hurt me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#all of this is /gen #dni if ur not this anon lol #ask... answered #tw abuse mention

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stray-tori · 3 years

Text

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :(((

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message

why

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

#an innocent sin #dohye x noah #noah x dohye #long post #tori talks #tori has opinions #reactions #yes I do this often in our dms #poor mei #toriqueue

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throwingideasatthewall · 3 years

Text

Clone Wars Shadow Warriors

Seas 4

Oh this- just screams edgy ... Whelp

So is Jar Jar an adult, now,? (Asking because before his characteri zation was force of nature to child

Now he seems to have his own personality.

Which is fine if you want to change some details for the sake of a better story, (Or to simply explore a new angle,). Aesthetic

Just. need to make sure I’m holding them to the right standard,

Okay,

That- was relatively adult,

Um.

Aight . . Well-

Wait

Did they just call Jar Jar away from Cou-ncil-

. I mean they are clearly trying which is some thing I do give credit for-

Though The Tone Is Robot- Ic-

(Though that might be int- entional since it seems to be hinting that this lady is practicing some kind of mind tricks on him

(Aka, he’s doing it under tox, because we don’t do suspension of choice in dra- mat ic Me- -dia,

S’up

What?

I-

H-elp

Screw my own accou- -ntability - See that was the correct -amount of emotion-

. Okay - Right-

Sus- (pic)

No one noticed the obvious people right there?

Like not even Mr. sus there?

[or are they just so kind that it’s like oh yeah we were just talking hate speech but go right ahead?

Logic?

There

Yeah some shit is definitely going on,

For sake of argument* sake, i’m just going to assume that his reaction to toxic behavior

*Account ability-

Any way

I-

I’m still going to try,

Despite you clearly saying you want understood

Because assumed authority - and assuming you know better than a person about themselves

Is totally ok-

- In this society

-[Cries in sad “accountability,” -of- war, ]

Whelp,

In- flue- n -c e

Still an adult-

Okay-

Imagine it was just a normal necklace and he pulled that shit-

[Ok for the sake of argument I’m going to assume the necklace is symbolism for toxic influence,

Being around it enabling]

It- - His voice voice dropped like - 6 octaves

Also I swear if they try to excuse him for his actions-

Mind over matter -Okay, so they’re not excusing him for his -actions,

Me- an - OK so it’s not naturally evil it just comes down to the users so that dude was still totally responsible,

Didn’t change - much

- Ha-Ha

Actual gas -lighting”

Also persuade, - Okay, good not excusing him from his actions, - Thing

The gaslighting goes deep - Also isn’t the Darkside supposed to be negative over involvement? - Aight- - - A-lone

Oh yeah that’s a great idea let’s just let the dude that just got gaslighted and completely fell forward go back into the person who did it,

👍

Genius

(This Jedi Council is fucking brilliant)

Gas- Light- Ing

(Note; Confronting the gas lighter is never the way to do it (Inter- Gen-) (Excluding accountability of the abuser (Gen-break Venting Pro- Ced- u re)

[as you’re usually too angry to let them get a word in edgewise And remain; in control)

With inter- gen productivity, They are possibly given five warnings before Being Kick ed-]

For the sake of argu- ment as well as simplicity-

We’re stick -ing with bas- ic-

If someone’s acting toxic with you, you reflect and you don’t have to hang out with anyone you don’t want to,

Logic

This dude is very clearly making it obvious that he’s willing to listen to this person,

And, enabling

“Cl-”

See he’s gaslighting him again because he thinks he can get away with it,

With no accoun- tability-

(Or the small bit this society believes in which is jail,”

Wr-

Oh!

Is he a Gungan Jedi?

Also,

You Don’t

SAY!

(The repeated Gaslighter who has shown multiple times to be toxic, Was toxic, (And prepared to use any means to subvert the will?

Prize for the most in competent Je di

Like, Serious- (Really had to put those two accoun t- ability- cells to good - use-”

(For matting issue-)

The writer just saving us the effort of him coming downstairs -all feckin- weird, and the obvious “should’ve seen that coming, “

? ha-ha

What?

Oh yeah no the creepy magical stuff wasn’t enough of a fecking clue in-

Appar-

Whelp-

He snapped out of that quick-

Like didn’t even need a reverse- mind trick

Good for him-

And - actual- nar- rative- -

Whelp,

Wreck-ing -house

Okay, but how do you think this is going to look to the general public like two Jedi,( very good at persuasion - mind tricks’ -just showed up, now they’re leader and said Jedi are wreck-ing one of their minster’s houses-

One who could’ve feign- ed lack of support for the war

Like if this is a set up-

the chips- are about to fall,

Da-

Okay, seriously how obviously evil, was this person?

Like we have a weird creepy room, The robots apparently hanging from the chandelier (eck) And the knife

Like if this person ever- went- through a checkpoint

Also, Oh-

That-

(That really does not look good,)

Bo-ss

Yeah, she clearly has medical experience,

(Also yeah that’s really going to make it better-”

Oh yeah the senator was seen trying to clean up the evidence-

Well the Jedi ran out full sword’s- a blazing

(Instead of you know the Senator chasing after him, While the peacekeeper stayed behind and tried to tend to the person,]

Great - - Or Not-

Well- tensions just got raised,

Of,

Ai. Ght,

Whelp,

(Okay, no way he’s totally not dead but sure-)

A-i-

Whe-

That- sucks- - Un- Con-cious

That- doesn’t tell me anything else-

Like; Critical condition?

D-usk

Li-terally no one else?

(Like don’t get me wrong I’ve been a pretty big Jar-jar fan ever since the change-)

But really, the Senator, the person that spends the most time away from your - planet

That’s the person, they trust the most?

Ai-

Hm-

Oh yeah just put on the deadly leaders hat-

The rese-mblance-

Not really?

I mean all humans technically look the same-

But-

Pretty sure Jar jar is a lot scrawn- thin -er

Also if they’re not going to listen to him as him they’re not going to listen to him as he pretends to be their (dead) leader

Also, please don’t go with the liar revealed plot,

Yeah no, they have completely different kind of light. tones,

The face structure-

Co-mpletely different-

Nope

-Dead

Di-ssent

Agree

I-

OK yeah I’m just gonna go over the fact, that as previously state, I am not a huge fan of the liar revealed plot-

-or lying

(No because it’s- unrealistic- - or there’s anything wrong with it

-people do lie

-maybe because of how overdone and poorly done it’s been,

-With the liar getting off Scott free without any weight

But I really don’t like this plot-

-And the skip button maybe used ad- nausuem- -

[Well- shit [for reference; I was using the skip button ad nausuem when I randomly stopped at the part with Greivous

Things just got a whole lot worse]

[Tumblr Refresh] -

Any Way,

Aww, That’s kind of nice the friendship and reliance the dude has on Other- Half - Yes ‘Boss Leoni’ when someone gets tox you leave- - In a - relation ship-

Also yeah he’s definitely not ‘Boss Leoni’ - He would’ve stayed and tried to take the tox

(Aka Jar-jar is less ena- bling, les- tox- And Doesn’t Take It For Much More. Than He Has To,

(He’s les -s

Dyfun. -c)

Okay

Good Job - Also - yeah how’d you manage that - That-

Didn’t get car ried up the chain of com- mand- - Then again Gri- evous has shown to be a pretty shit boss. - So I can’t blame these guys for being like yeah compl- ete stranger I will totally take a nap -right ,now- - You kinda have sticks- - [The rain is really nice,]

[is this the first time we’ve seen them use active particle effects for the camera?

Either way it’s really nice -

Oh,

They’re

electric sticks,

That makes sense

[- bet ter for Figh t- In- g-

Stop one 1v1 -ing- It

W-h

Again this is what happens when you 1v1 it and don’t assume accountability- - -

[Don’t fight a metal cyborg with metal sticks when you’re not prepared to take it, full way,)

I-

[I feel like this is supposed to be some big build up but they only shared like one scene where dude was completely silent,]

Like,

Sacr-ifice

Die to take someone out with you

[Great

Now

Ouch]

Are they actually going to kill off grievous because this isn’t look-ing too - good - Shit-

Dude- is still not dead- - How? - Whelp- - Oh, hey where the fuck did you come from,

I- Ack. Br-u- Tal

W-el

- Un - M - Plan-

“ damn it he messed up the script-, -Pal - patine

Cap-

Prison break-

Also yeah that’s probably like a vacation for him-

Given how toxic these assholes are - Ex- change - Damn Ship per-

Also screw the 150 or how many other sena -tors - Only Amidala - matters - A- ight- - Also, dude knows where everyone’s lair, Is,

Like he pissed off Grievous with -his

Now he’s just chilling in this dude’s sipping earl gray Or- Some Shit-

Him

Okay

Getting a little ahead of yourself episode- - O k

Hearing this, Skywalker doesn’t immediately run back shout -ing nope- - - Because, to my knowledge the speaking at room volume,

Not whispering and the distance isn’t enough to -explain it - Ai - - Wel- - There goes one min-ion- - Droids are apparently expensive enough to chastise Grievous over-

But sen-tient - beings are a dime’ a ‘dozen-

(Also gaslighter’s. don’t give a shit about you dear, God,

The Painful dramatic- irony-

*tra- gic- Wh- -Oa

Ai - Ri-

Wh- -elp,

You know if it wasn’t for the exposure earl- ier

I would assume they would think that the Jedi was just killing all their Im-por- tant- elected officials

Why?

Wh-at

He’s right. - But dude- that’s pretty ham fisted-

I mean-

How many episodes (and possibly seasons-) do we have to go- - - Anakin- is a dick to lanterns- - Also the random theme of the bots- coming out of nowhere- continues- - St -op- - Wh- elp-

? (He live?)

I-

Good Play-

Ah-

To-

Oh, yeah, He’s alive we’re not going to bring that up in any mention-able way?

Ike

Wh e l- p

Oh - That was -nice-

You deceived everyone and lied to all our people, you’ll make a great leader,

Or a great council/ committee leader considering that they do have an open position , Best

I like that they had one bad ass fall and had it replace-d by Dooku being particularly bad-ass - In his place-

In the trade off near the end really speaks to the frag-ility of war

I thought-

It was pretty al-right Though it really did seem like - they were trying to build up to something but the structure unfortunately just didn’t support it,

Which is unfortunate because they do seem like bits- that could’ve been nice

Like Jar-jar being a constant peacekeeper-

The underwater nations-

Wars be- tween - Those Dude’s

And that general guy - Who seems to be like he was supposed to be this - really big deal

[probably intended to do something massive in the previous arcs,]

But, here, all he did was that one scene,

[Would’ve worked better if he was like this Re- Public Gen- Er Al-

To the shark guy-

And Akbar,

Was just like the resident enforcer-

Or something to do with the prince

I think it would’ve really worked better with the concept of ‘being taken’ under, As well that possibly being a good contrast between Jar Jar binks And Char- If Jar- jar got promoted- With Char being eager at first but then realizing he just can’t- And Jar- Jar being reluctant at first but realizing he can-

[Note; assumed authority is bad, Just- some people are better at using it for venting than others)

Nope boomers vs throw- it-back, boom-

I-

And it really did feel like this episode -should’ve been the split one

Nearing the end- it started to feel like the 1st- part of a second ep-

Which is fine

Just cut- of-

Episode all around being al-right, with just several parts that didn’t make quite sense including the emphasis on the general for that one scene,

1 note · View note

violentviolette · 4 years

Note

So I was on your fandom blog and I saw that you believe Bakugou (at least in assuming) to have ASPD. Is wondering if you could expand on that? I personally see him as NPD but I'd love to hear your side of things

first off anon bless u for being on my fandom blog that takes courage cause it’s a wicked hot mess over there lol and secondly to everyone else yes im about to spend an embarrassing amount of effort overanalyzing an anime man, no u shouldn’t apply this logic to diagnosing real people u don’t know or urself, no its not that deep but yes u can fuck right off if u wanna cry about me headcanoning ur favs with “shitty” illnesses. eat my dick.

But now down to the good shit! So I actually think bakugou has comorbid aspd/npd. But for this since u said u already see him as having npd I’ll just focus on the aspd criteria but im totally down to talk more about npd as well if u wanna. (the rest is under a cut because frankly mobile users would have drawn and quartered me otherwise)

So first im gonna go thru the dsm v criteria that are required for diagnosis that bakugou fits/exhibits (leaving out the few things that don’t pertain to him just for length and also because not every person has to fit every single criteria to qualify)

1. Significant impairments in personality as manifested by

a. identity (self esteem derived from power, pleasure, or personal gain), self direction (goal setting based on personal gratification, absence of prosocial standards and culturally normal ethical behavior)

katsukis entire sense of self is built upon his ability to “win” and to always be number one and come out on top. He absolutely cant stand to be viewed as less than that because if so, his entire sense of self begins to crumble. Part of the reason he’s so antagonistic towards Izuku in the early chapters is the fact that Izuku challenges that identity. He (unintentionally and intentionally) challenges katsuki and wont give way to him (which is the right thing to do, but we see how “well” katsuki handles that). He also doesn’t have a good sense of “prosocial standards.” katsuki has created his own internal sense of morals and values, he’s decided whats worth his time and effort based on his own opinions and not on what society deems worthwhile behavior. He’s constantly getting admonished that his attitude “isn’t that of a hero” because his values are different than the ones of the society around him. But he doesn’t care, as long as he “wins” then everythings good. And its not until he stops “winning” and his behavior begins to get in the way of his goals does he begin to realize that he has a problem.

b. impairments in interpersonal functioning as manifested by lack of empathy (lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others) and lack of intimacy (incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, use of dominance or intimidation to control others)

I could frankly write a whole essay about just this bit alone but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. So. Lets talk about katsukis lack of empathy. This boy wouldn’t know another person’s emotions if they walked up and punched him in the face. Which they do. On multiple occasions. But I digress. Katsuki is known for his shitty bedside manner, his lack of concern for the feelings of others is literally what cost him his provisional license, but aside from with Izuku (who we’ve established is a source of Baggage for katsuki and shouldn’t be counted among his normal behavior because at the start of the series they BOTH bring out the worst in one another and overcoming that is part of both of their character arcs and growth and a main theme of the damn story. Win and save. Save and win. Ahem. But again I digress) katsuki isn’t vindictive or cruel in an unnecessary way about other peoples emotions. He doesn’t use them against people, it just doesn’t occur to him that they exist. But as we see katsuki grow and begin to try and change his unhealthy behavior, we see that he’s not oblivious of others emotions in the same way todoroki is (who I headcanon as autistic along with izuku (who also has adhd), but that’s a whole nother post lol), he just doesn’t know what to do with them. He can handle things like kirishima feeling insecure, because he can logically talk to him about how strong he is to encourage and support him, but really struggles with more intimate and open forms of emotional support, like with Izuku.

He also struggles with forming prosocial bonds and friends. At the start of the series katsuki doesn’t have friends, he has lackeys he controls with intimidation and fear because he doesn’t know any other way to be. He has trust and intimacy issues and doesn’t like people getting too close to him because he feels displays of vulnerability are what makes someone weak (see those asocial morals and values we talked about earlier). After his time at UA, a few large helpings of some humble pie, and the diligent and hard work of a small group of fearless idiots (aka kaminari whose literally too prosocial for his own good and has zero self preservation instincts, and kirishima who has an endless supply of patience and understands empathy and other peoples emotions to a degree that’s baffling to me) he is able to start deconstructing that idea and realizing that u can be vulnerable and let people close to u and still be strong. That the mortifying ordeal of being known isn’t actually the worst things ever. Also that when confronted with people who aren’t actually afraid of him, he doesn’t know how else to deter them from getting close to him. The fact that none of the other kids in 1-A take katsukis shit and even go so far as to pick on him and mock him and call him out on his bullshit is a MAJOR turning point for his socialization skills.

2. pathological personality traits in the following catagories

a. antagonism, characterized by hostility (persistent and frequent angry feelings, anger or irritability in response to minor slights or insults, nasty mean vengeful behavior), callousness (lack of concern for the feelings and problems of others)

I mean. Do I even have to expand on this point? I feel like no

b. disinhibition, characterized by impulsivity (acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli, acting without a plan or consideration for outcomes, difficulty establishing and following plans), risk taking (lack of concern for ones limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger, engaging in potentially risky and self-damaging activities without regard for consequences)

this is a criteria where u have to adjust for the world these characters are living in. but even then, by hero standards, katsuki is still impulsive. His teachers are constantly admonishing him in the early series for charging headfirst into a situation, loosing himself to his emotions and anger, and letting things get the better of him because hes not taking the time to properly assess the situation, this also bleeds into katsukis inability to work with others or ask for help. He charges headfirst into a situation by himself, blows up anything in his way, and then asks questions later. His teammates are often left totally in the dark to his plans, motives, or other moves and have to just play catch up to him the entire time. In the deku vs. kacchan 1 fight we see this behavior come out in full force. He has no plan, he blows up half the building with zero regard for their goals, and leaves iida completely in the dark. Momo pointing this all out and dragging him for filth during the recap is another wakeup moment for him, having to confront the realities of his impulsive and negative behavior whereas before he was only praised for it.

so if we take a look at even just that, which is still about ¾ of the diagnostic criteria, I think u can see where this really starts to explain his personality. Katsuki is hot headed, angry, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, he gets in his own way more often than not, he struggles with prosocial behavior, making friends, and relating emotionally to others. He has a hard time comforting people and usually does so in a blunt and logical way, he isn’t great at sympathy and being soft, kind, or gentle with other people. It takes a considerable amount of effort for him to realize where his world view and his morals and goals are warped and doing him more harm than good, and he absolutely cant stand to be vulnerable or honest about his feelings with others.

All those things, imo, as someone with aspd & npd, are what make me feel like hes a good character representation of what the complexities of living with these disorders is like. Katsuki isn’t inherently a bad person, and as we see him grow and change, we see the ways in which hes becoming better, but its still hard for him. And despite what a lot of fandom thinks, if u look at the canon, the main person katsuki hurts with his behavior is himself. And I think that’s really important because people with aspd & npd are so often catagorized as abusive villians whose only goal in life is to hurt others. Whereas with katsuki we see where these things and this kind of thinking gets in the way of his goals and ultimately hurts him. and thats what I think makes him the most relatable and makes his growth all the much more satisfying. Katsuki is both fundamentally the same and an entirely different person from when we first meet him. his personality didn’t magically completely change, hes not just a tsundere whose suddenly all mushy feely and hyper empathetic, he’s just learning how to deal with his emotions and the world and getting better at being a healthy person.

So yea, those are my thoughts! There was apparently a whole 1600 words of them so my apologies for writing u a literal dissertation on this lol I just really love this fucking character

#bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugou #bakugou headcanons #bakugou katsuki headcanons #bnha headcanons #jack.speaks #anon #god i really did write a novel #im almost ashamed #almost

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aw-tryagain · 5 years

Text

Wow

People really don’t like hearing the truth about what they do and it shows. How can y’all misinterpret what I was saying THAT badly??

Like this was just my final straw I am done with the fandom. Y’all are all so damn ignorant and petty. Y’all will literally hate on someone for doing what you do! How does that make sense?! I’m just tired of y’all and have been for such a long time now and have been less and less involved in this fandom as time went on because I too began to notice things about how yall act and treat each other and yes y’all really are all so fake and after this whole shit show I just can’t do it anymore. Lol like I knew twilight was shitty but there were still a lot of things I loved about the series and I saw so much potential in it and I recognized the shitty parts and also tried to change them to make it better and that’s what a lot of people or pretty much everyone does in this fandom, but y’all just don’t recognize the shitty parts. Y’all try to excuse it. Especially when it comes to the main characters. Y’all will literally jump through hoops to excuse or just flat out ignore Alices racism and how she treats Bella. Y’all will excuse/flat out ignore Edwards fucked up abusive actions towards Bella yet will turn around and vilify Jacob for kissing her without her permission and guilt tripping/manipulating her too. Yall vehemently hate the shit out of Jacob (and are sometimes really racist about it) and will make posts/headcnons/au’s of the cullens beating him up a native brown boy for basically doing to Bella what they literally do to her through the entire series, take away her bodily autonomy and choices and manipulate her. Yall make posts about old white racist people literally beating up a 16 year old Native American boy and jack off to that shit and be racist all while y’alls precious whites can do anything they want to Bella because nothing the Cullens ever do is wrong. Y’all are literally playing right into the hands of that racist author SM and what she wanted and what she pushed so hard in the series you’d have to be blind not to see.. and you don’t see it.

Y’all still perpetuate the bs Meyer pushed and are all so ignorant because Jacob wasn’t like that at first and was never supposed to be like that. Meyer ruins every character she touches ESPECIALLY when it comes to poc but instead of looking at that y’all would rather act like assholes and treat people who like these characters and want to remake them in their own image like shit. Yet you all want people to stop calling you racist for loving and excusing Jaspers time in the confederacy and let you all redeem him and his actions. There was a whole fandom fight about this exact thing when someone called out the racist shit these people were doing regarding Jacob and the Cullens and guess what y’all did? Y’all tried to not only defend what y’all were doing but also tried to defend the fact that Jasper was a literal confederate soldier. Like, Jasper was one of my favorite characters but that doesn’t excuse what he was. You people are the most hypocritical people I’ve ever met. Y’all can make excuses for Jasper being a confederate and say “oh well he learned from that! He’s not a racist!” and y’all can make headcanons trying to redeem him but don’t seem to wanna redeem him from the problematic things he does in the series to this day which y’all seem to always leave out and forget. Y’all can say “oh Meyers and idiot! She didn’t know what she was doing! Jasper should have been a union soldier!” and all types of shit but nobody can do the same for Jacob who was actually fucked over by Meyer and made to do problematic things not only because he was the rival but also because Meyer loves making poc the villains all the time? How can y’all not see that?

Y’all make excuses up the wall for the precious Cullens fucked up actions and will gladly blame the author and not the character for it and will attack anyone who thinks otherwise but when it comes to anyone else? especially poc? It’s time to hate them and treat them and anyone who likes them and tries to actually redeem them from their racist biased author, like shit. It’s funny how we’re supposed to love the confederate soldier who willingly fought for slavery and quickly rose through the ranks in the army and seems proud of that fact when recalling it in Eclipse and he’s just so smart and practical and calculative and is such a great leader and thinks things through and is able to convince others easily and get them to follow him because he’s so charming but we’re also supposed to feel bad for him and hate the Mexican woman who “manipulated” him and lied to him and of course she’s painted as some kind of evil seductress who manipulates the poor defenseless mindless white man that we all must coddle. I italicized those words bc that is supposed to be his characterization. People who are calculative and smart and good leaders aren’t so easily manipulated and aren’t so easily trusting, and don’t fall for one obvious lie for 100 years! Idc what anyone says nobody can keep up a simple ass lie for that long especially when with just a little more thought put into it, the lie can be debunked so easily bc the truth is right there. Also in the end he had the power. He could do what he wanted with his own body and he chose to do what he did. We’re not gonna blame the woman for the actions of the man. Yes she had a part in it and influencing it but there is no way he couldn’t have felt the deception and do nothing about it or at least feel some type of way about it. If he’s so strong and powerful and dangerous and controlled all those newborns and is so much stronger and better than María why didn’t he stage an uprising or something? Don’t give me that “he didn’t know what he was doing” excuse. It’s the same tired ass excuse y’all use for him being apart of the confederation and it makes no sense. He was able to think for himself (and apparently has a strong smart vampire brain) and do for himself and literally had power over himself and others. This is literally me saying that the shit doesn’t add up from what we know from canon. It doesn’t make sense and I’m calling out the plot holes and why it doesn’t make any sense and why it should be taken with a grain of salt. Because it’s bullshit.

This is NOT me saying “men can’t be abused” or some other shit y’all want to put into my mouth. Like you guys do all the time. But of course he didn’t actively choose to make any of those decisions and act upon it on his own, no it’s all the woman (Maria’s) fault for every single thing he did. He was completely mindless and stupid and didn’t stop to think about anything once. I am in NO way saying that María wasn’t wrong for the lie that she told him or the manipulation or whatever it’s definitely wrong but it’s also unfair that she is the only being hated for it when the main characters do the same shit?! Yet everyone ignores it because it’s not abuse when they lie and manipulate. It’s unfair that people who like her and see the error in the way she was created and want to change that or whatever and ship her with Jasper get hate for it yet you guys can do the exact same thing with your faves and their issues? THATS WHAT IM CALLING OUT! I’m not mad bc y’all “don’t ship abuse” I’m mad because you’re all hypocrites and you all fail to see it. It’s said that she did lie and manipulation and it’s “implied” as abuse and people take that little bit of info and run with it (like they do a lot) and make it out like María is the worst person ever to walk the earth and was lying to him constantly about every little thing ever and was sexually abusing him and was physically beating him even tho NONE of this is EVER stated in canon. Y’all vilify the shit out of her (the hate gets so bad I’ve seen people literally act like she’s dirty and impure and beneath compared to the special white savior and all bc she’s the manipulative colored rival and that’s ANOTHER place where the racist undertones come to play.) bc Meyer painted them as this turbulent problematic relationship with the bad colored promiscuous sexually deviant woman and then Jasper finds a pure white woman and they have the bestest, healthiest relationship ever. They don’t tho. Alice lies to him too. Alice lies to him a lot in the saga and actively keeps things from him. Alice talks down to him and teams up with Edward and is on his side all the time to treat him like a child and basically act like he’ll never be as good as them when it comes to bloodlust (Edward legit says this shit about him but yeah this family is sooo loving and they believe in him soo much blow me.) She kicks him and stomps on his foot when he has thoughts or does something that isn’t ~Cullen like~ and that’s okay? That’s supportive? Jasper himself manipulates her emotions without her permission and tells her to not worry about important people that are supposed to be “family” and manhandles her when she had that vision and this is supposed to be so much better? This is supposed to be one of the best relationships in the saga because ~mates~ and tru wuv?! Their whole courtship and mating doesn’t even make a lick of sense why would he go into a diner? full of people? Especially if he was hungry?! That doesn’t make sense! How could she have possibly had a vision of him? and then automatically assumed she was supposed to be his ~mate~ that makes even less sense, and they’re incompatible and are pretty scummy to each other but it’s disguised as pure mated mystical love, by Meyer.

We’re supposed to like it and it’s supposed to be great but it’s not and I don’t because I see holes and I’m not falling for Meyers bullshit excuses to cover her own ass; we know Meyer has a problem with showing vs. telling but we also know she has a problem with making things that are supposed to be good look terrible. but his relationship with the big bad Mexican is the one that’s completely wrong and supposed to be feared? He has more in common with said Mexican woman and pretty much acts just like her! He went along with her and what she wanted and didn’t stop and think about what the fuck he was doing and he’s known to do this in canon because he literally said that he did the same thing with Alice. He was made to feel powerful and capable even if what he was doing wasn’t morally sound. Also omg over time they eventually began to have some real feelings for each other from their little relationship they had on the side or whatever and to this day they’re still friends with each other and Jasper thinks about her from time to time and wishes her well. They actually GREW to be friends and actually had some kind of development and progress in their relationship. Their okay with each other now even with their turbulent past and Jasper doesn’t hate her. Like at all and you mean to tell me that’s bad? It’s just horribly abusive and people have no right to ship it or even like it and/or indulge in it because they may see some potential with what Meyer did with them and want to build on that and improve it??? We ALL know Meyer creates a lot of things, characters, plot points with soo much potential but always ruins it and people in fandom see that and want to change it and love it and bring out that potential but when it comes to certain characters and ships (mainly involving poc) that’s off limits? Yet y’all do the same thing with yalls boring ass white canon characters and ships or just ignore the ships/characters issues in general??? But feel like y’all got the right to play god and be all high and mighty and holier than thou and viciously attack people for doing what y’all want to do??

Now That’s a fucking joke.

Not only is it a joke it’s also unfair. Who tf are y’all to dictate what someone can and can’t like/indulge in??? and I love how everyone wants to claim “oh I don’t ship Edward/Bella Jasper/Alice etc... bullshit! All y’all do is talk about them and make headcanons and au’s and shit that’s what this fandom mostly consists of, quit fucking backtracking and lying. This doesn’t even begin to explain all things wrong with this hypocritical ass fandom but this rant is more so related to what just happened that was my last straw and made me leave that ignorant ass shitshow of a fandom.

You people read that whole passage that I wrote calling out unfair treatment and fucked up behavior and you STILL just watered it down to “oh they’re just mad because we don’t ship abuse” YES YALL DO! and that’s the problem!!! You guys HATE it when people talk shit about y’all and look down on y’all for liking twilight and tell y’all not to like it bc it’s riddled with abuse and manipulation regarding the main characters and you all come up with your own excuses and reasons (however valid or not they may be) for still liking and indulging in it and trying to fix. Yet you turn around and do the same thing to your own people in the fandom who only ask for/want the same thing y’all ask/want from twi-haters? I was calling out y’all hypocritical actions that is sometimes rooted in racism and how it’s fucked up! I was also calling out how y’all vehemently disrespected, mocked and attacked a real life human person and egged on the op for childishly being a dick to someone for no reason and you all made fun of them for VERY POLITELY requesting something Jasper/Maria related and yet y’all call yourselves nice and accepting? If you didn’t want to do it you could have just kindly told them that you didn’t want to do it. You didn’t have to make a joke moodboard post acting like you’re disgusted (funny how we all must be disgusted with the dirty impure Mexican lol) and the rest of y’all didn’t have to reblog it acting like op was so smart and funny and putting shit in the tags like “why do people ship them lol” “like grow a braincell pls” or “open ur mind” like y’all need to open your minds and realize y’all ain’t shit for that and it WRONG! It was RUDE! Wanna ask “why do people ship them” why do YOU ship shit like Edward/Bella, Jacob/Bella, Jasper/Alice, Victoria/James etc...?? Y’all collectively froth over Victoria and excuse her yet she did. the. exact. same. shit!! Albiet badly, but Come ON! now it’s suddenly okay and excuseable when you throw some white skin on it? Why do YOU even like TWILIGHT if it’s riddled with so much shit?! Racism, sexism, homophobia. If anyone needs to “grow a braincell” it’s y’all. Also yes, let’s attack people and call them dumb and stupid all for what they ship. That’s good. Yet y’all have been attacked your whole lives for liking twilight and can’t seem to make that connection. Once y’all get a little bit of recognition and power y’all wanna act exactly like the people that mistreated y’all to other innocent people that just want to be involved because they think you guys are cool. Y’all are so fucking backwards smh you people suck so fucking hard man.

Fuck the twilight fandom and fuck twilight. Y’all have ruined something I actually used to enjoy by being such nasty hypocritical turds about everything that isn’t white and popular and what you all like. You can’t be different or have different thoughts or unpopular opinions. Though y’all always say that you can, you can’t. The minute you even say anything about the Cullens that yall don’t like or the minute you ship anything that y’all don’t like, or have an opinion on a character or trope that y’all don’t like y’all get to shading and vague posting and mobbing up talking mad shit. You are all so damn fake and I hope and pray y’all get what’s coming to yall for being such nasty disgusting people and yes maybe I did come on a little too strong the first time and should have handled it better and spoken better and been more respectful but after being here for so many years and knowing y’all? That shit wouldn’t have worked. Y’all still would have reacted with viciousness and bullshit and miss the entire point. It’s what y’all constantly do. Look at what y’all do to people who politely ask for something you may not want to do??? If that’s how y’all react to innocent people then imma honestly pray for y’all. I repeat the same energy people give out and I repeated y’all nasty ass energy in my response and if you don’t like it you need to look at yourself and y’all need to stop pointing the fucking finger all the damn time. Grow the fuck up. Also if people really wanna insult me for writing PARAGRAPHS about shit YALL do? Not only is that the dumbest most useless fucking insult I’ve ever seen but it also reflects on y’all because of the simple fact that I have to write paragraphs calling out the shit y’all do and putting it in detail because y’all don’t know how to fucking read and comprehend shit, and YALL STILL MISSED MY POINT!!! That is... just wow. 🤦🏾‍♀️

Imagine being that dumb!

#jasper hale #the twilight saga #twilight #twilight saga #jasper whitlock #twilight renissance #tts #twilight fandom #fandom racism #fandom bullshit #yeah im done here #i cant take so much dumbssery in one place #yall come up with the stupidest conclusions sometimes to save your own ass #so you can continue being delisonal idiotas #im finished with this fandom fuck yall #fuck yall and fuck this

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strawberryspeachy · 3 years

Text

I wonder if im about to get fired again

Last year i got fired because a teacher who acted like he wanted to be my friend hated when I reciprocated that want.

Ive worked with about 55 other teachers since him and none of them

Ask about my weekend every week. Ask about my friends. Ask about my personal life. Stare at me in the office. Lean over me and touch me. Come look through my folder that im holding to just point out the paper im looking for (they just offer me a new one if they think i dont have it)

But. I was totally stalking him. And got fired.

Now im working at 2 schools

One with 4/5 horrible teachers

The other with 4/5 wonderful teachers

At the horrible teacher school one has been (and i dont say this about people often. Actually ever. I assume ppl hate me... but this woman has bee - well)

K so i made a newsletter for the schools. The good school put it out for the students and that was that. The bad school told me i could distribute it. So i asked this teacher where

She took me into the hallway and showed me a board. She told me to put the papers on those walls. And then she gave me pins. So i did.

Then she told my company i put papers up without permission

Ive worn the same clothes to all 7 schools ive worked at plus two camps. Never got a complaint. Until now. She complained about my skirt and socks

She said in a fly away statement when i started that because were teachers we cant travel because of corona and must stay home - it irriated me because i clearly understood that she was telling me that i need to stay home when im not working. Fuck that! But i just agreed with her. Her first question after my summer break was “you had a long vacation, did you go anywhere”

She asked in a happy voice - pretending that was wanted to hear about something exciting. But. Bitch i have a good memory. I told her i mostly stayed home and only went to a nearby town.

K so like. Thing is. She knows im probably lying (cause im young and not from this country. No one would stay home for a month) so the way she responded was kinda pissed off that she cant prove me wrong or report me or anything - then in the middle of class she asked about my housemates

1) i have no control over them

2) your first question was already invasive and this is stupid

3) youve asked me a question that i cant answer correctly. If i say i dont know youll say i might have corona because my housemates probably brought it home. If i say they went out - same thing. If i say they stayed home - another obvious lie. I told her that they are all students and had class so I think they were home. Again. She was annoyed by this answer

She constantly makes side remarks about “foregners”

She wont translate the questions that students ask her to ask me - and when i understand them and answer she acts flustered and annoyed

Shes bad at english and writes shit incorrectly - gives it to me to cold read - then gets mad when i trip over shit thats written incorrectly

She changed the song early last month because I liked it

She talks to me like im a clown hindering the class - walking over and telling me (a person standing quietly waiting for instruction) that now the students must study - the way a parent would tell a 7 year old not to bother the sleeping dog.

I TRIED to have a normal conversation with her because she seemed to be trying and i felt bad. She said it was hot and cold off and on and told me what temperature it would he the next day in celcius. I just said oh. And felt the tention. So i tried to ease it by chuckling and telling her “sorry. You know how america uses Fahrenheit? I dont really understand celcius.” She immediately —- wait hold on

This school makes us write down our temperature in the morning as though that does ANYTHING to stop corona - they dont even check - she harrassed me upon walking in the door to WRITE DOWN MY TEMPERATURE

—- k so no. No easy conversation. She immediately got serious and went how do you understand celcius for your body temperate then??? I told her i convert it.

A couple periods late she inturrupted another teacher talking to me about class and stopped me from going to class to ask me ‘if you dont know celcius how do you write your temperature down in the morning?!?’’ I told her i have a japanese thermometer and just write down what it says. Then she tried to play if off and chuckled like - oh ha i was just wondering. Whats the difference (her face was like enraged before that btw) she asked what the average temperature in Fahrenheit is and i quickly spit out 98.6 while grabbing my book to leave for the class i was now running late for

Shes full on feuding with a boy who “CANT SPEAK JAPANESE” and is “NOT JAPANESE” she tried not to bitch but also bitch about him to me - through this i learned that his mom is Australian. He was born in Japan. Also if her english didnt suck so much she would know that hes not fluent in english

She like the other teachers ask me questions that they dont want answers to. And sometimes is not even just - i wanna write this sentence wrong - does it make sense

No. It doesnt (correct answer- anything you write is correct. Dont worry. Dont ask me. Your perfect)

A couple weeks ago she told me that the song the other teacher chose is a japanese song that was translated into english. She asked it its gramattically correct. I told her that songs dont need to be grammatically correct so its fine. Then she asked me if it makes sense. I told her that its a bit vague but its fine.

She didnt know what vague meant. She asked me to write it down so she could look it up later. Not sure how she took that as an insult but Im sure she did.

And the song is vague. Id figured out that it was a song that was either written for a weird tv show or translated from something else before she even told me

Shes always late for class. She doesnt even leave for class until the bell rings. If she walks in and i was talking with the students - she looks highly uncomfortable - so ive stopped talking to them before she arrives

She wont let them ask me questions. Only her (these past two points go for the other crappy teachers too)

She cant make up her mind whether she wants me to say hello first or her. She cant make up her mind on what she wants me to read or whether she wants me to stop at commas or read full paragraphs or what - and she gets annoyed when i cant read her mind avout it —the others do this too

She reads sentences she wrote (incorrectly) out loud even more wrong - but apparently (going from her face) even though she doesnt know the word for fucking SENTENCES - and calls them “englishes” she heard me add the s to a word that should have been plural but she wrote as singular. She never says the fucking plurals or adds them where they shouldnt - but of course she heard my quick slip of adding an s onto a fucking word

- which really just shows thats she pays way more attention trying to find me doing something wrong than literally ANYTHING ELSE she does

Theres more. Im tired. And so very stressed. Tomorrow i have a meeting after school which i told my company rhat if they want my time they should pay me for it and told them theyre welcome to come to my schools (the one i like and normally can he stress free and get home early from) station

They made up bs as to why they can pay others but not me but did say theyre gonna come to the station

Last tome with the fucking “hanging stuff up without permission” i was of couse told i was in the wrong (BECAUSE JAPANESE CAN DO NO WRONG) and forced to say that i need to communicate better 3 times

Howd i start this? Watch me get fired? Yea i was fired on like the 23rd last year. Watch me get fucking fired again - for again. One racist ass peice of shit teacher

“Well you just gotta suck it up and accept where you are on the food chain” k look. Do you know how much easier and less stressed id be if i was able to do that?! I just. CANT ok. I refuse to think that i am less of a person than any other person. People can treat me that wat and do all they want. But i refuse to think that i am lesser. I am a person. And if i have to respect them they should respect me. Its a reciprocal fucking thing i cant fucking kiss ass

I lived in a house with a woman who wanted me to kiss her ass - and i basically chose not to be treated like a dormat and pike she was my lord. And thus got mentally and emptionally abused for 24 years.

I cant fucking kiss ass. I can be polite. But i cant kiss fucking ass dude. I just cant

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cricketchaology · 7 years

Text

Nicknames

Davey learns Crutchie’s real name, but that’s not the only thing he learns.

// This story contains references to child abuse. If that kind of content makes you uncomfortable, proceed with caution! //

AO3 Version

“So, I’ve kinda got a question,” Davey asked, wondering silently how he wound up playing cards with the King of Brooklyn and the King of Brooklyn’s (best friend? Boyfriend? Davey didn’t know) , on some random Tuesday night in the middle of summer.

“You always do, Mouth,” Spot said, while Race asked, “What is it?”

“So, what’s with the whole nickname thing? Like,” Davey glanced around the dim room, wringing his hands together. “Why do some of you guys go by nicknames ‘nd some don’t?”

“Why you askin’ us?” Spot said, not bothering to look at Davey when he spoke to him.

“I mean, Race goes by a nickname ‘nd you don’t, so..”

“You really think Spot is my real name?”

“Oh my god, Davey,” Race set the cards down, huffing out a laugh as he did. “What the hell kinda parents would name their kid Spot?”

“Considering you’re the smart ‘Hatten newsie, you’re real thick.” Spot added, crossing his arms and pulling his eyes away from Race to look at Davey.

Davey hesitated for a second.

“W-well in my defense, I’ve got no clue why Spot’s your nickname, so I just assumed.. Plus, it’s always paired with Conlon. I just thought it was you’re first and last name.”

“‘Course it’s paired with my last name. I ain’t gonna let people call me just Spot. ‘Specially not my enemies. ”

“Why not?”

“Cause Spot’s a dog’s name-” Spot began before Race cut in, voice sounding amused like he’d heard Spot give this speil a hundred times.

“When you add a last name, it’s a person’s name.”

“I ain’t no dog.”

“Well, ‘course not. I guess not knowin’ where it came from made me guess it was your real name..” Davey trailed off, Spot’s eyes on him starting to make his skin crawl.

“I used ta be covered in burn marks from my dad’s cigars,” Spot said, shrugging, lifting up his shirt a bit to show a sky’s worth in stars of faded pink circles, some raised from the skin and rough looking. Now that Davey was looking, he could see similar marks on Spot’s arms that he’d never noticed before. “Ise still gots the scars, but they ain’t near as noticeable as fresh burns, which I ain’t gettin’ no more.”

Davey was kind of afraid to ask why.

“Okay, so maybe you don’t go by you’re real name, but other newsies do! Like.. like Jack, for example.”

“Pfft, that’s cute,” Race said, picking up the deck of cards and starting to shuffle them again.

“W-what? What’s cute about that?”

“How you think Jack Kelly’s a real name.”

“What do you mean? Jack isn’t a-”

“Where exactly you see this conversation goin’, Mouth?” Spot interrupted. “We invited ya ta play cards, not interrogate us.”

“I’m just curious.”

Spot rolled his eyes, no longer looking at Davey, instead gluing his eyes on Race’s hands as he finished shuffling the cards and began distributing them between the three.

“It’s sorta a respect thing for some people,” Spot explained. “You gotta earn people’s real names for some. Like, only a hand fulla people know my real name.”

Race gave Spot a knowing look.

“Alright, alright. One person knows my real first name.”

Race smiled. “That person bein’ me.”

“Whatever.” Spot rolled his eyes again and Davey swore that Spot Conlon, King of Brooklyn, was smiling. This might just be the weirdest night of his life.

“Some newsies don’t care too much ‘bout it, but gettin’ called by your nickname just becomes second nature. Some folks just stick with their real name ‘cause it doesn’t bother ‘em. Like, everyone calls ya Davey cause it don’t bother ya.”

“You call me Mouth, though.”

“Yeah, cause that’s what you is.”

“The nicknames come from physical things or how people act,” Race said, setting down the last card in the pile in front of Spot, then picking up his own pile. “You talk too much. Youse a mouth. I’m a gambler- Racetrack is just a lil more personal to my taste in what to bet on.”

“Don’t people find that offensive, though? Like, maybe not so much Specs cause glasses ain’t like, a bad thing, but-”

“Youse offended by us callin’ you Mouth?” Spot asked, sounding amused as he picked up his cards.

“No, it’s fine. You don’t have ta stop.”

“Good, ‘cause I wasn’t gonna, no matter what you said.”

“Still, though. How does like.. Crutchie not get offended. We’re calling him directly by his disability.”

“Crutchie likes bein’ called Crutchie,” Race said, looking somewhat upset by the implication that he’d call his friend something he didn’t like. “If he didn’t we’d call ‘im somethin’ else. Plus, Crutchie’s name ain’t even that far off his real one.”

“What’s his real name?” Davey asked.

“Charlie,” Race said before he could stop himself.

“Racetrack.”

Spot was giving Race a sharp look, one that made Davey’s heart start to pump faster in his chest. Davey couldn’t really tell what was happening anymore- Race and Spot were having an entire conversation without saying a word. He hesitantly picked up his cards, attracting both their attention with the noise.

“We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout this anymore.” Spot said, still giving Race a look out of the corner of his eye. “We’s playin’ cards. Nothin’ else.”

“Hey, uh,” Race said, earning himself another glare from Spot, but a less angry seeming one. “Pretend you didn’t hear that. ‘Specially not from me.”

“Got it.”

/////

A few days later, Davey and Les arrived at the distribution gates to see the hoard of Manhattan newsies standing around and talking. They made their way over to Jack who was rubbing at his arm nervously.

“What’s wrong?” Les asking, looking up at Jack.

“Eh, Crutchie’s leg’s givin’ ‘im trouble this mornin’. Said he’d be right behind us but he ain’t here yet.”

“Why don’t you go check on him?” Davey asked.

“And leave the rest ‘a the boys here with the Delancey’s?” He scoffed. “Ain’t happening.”

“We don’t need ya protectin’ us Jack,” Romeo said, crossing his arms. “Go check on ‘im.”

Jack grumbled something incomprehensible.

“I’ll go check on ‘im,” Specs said, stepping out of the group of Newsies, rolling his eyes at Jack overprotectiveness. Davey watched as Specs took off towards the lodging house.

“I hate this,” Jack said quietly.

“Hey, I’m sure he’s fine,” Davey said, putting a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah.” Jack mumbled. “I just worry about ‘im. ‘Specially since the strike. It just..” He trailed off for a second, staring down at the ground. “I hate seein’ ‘im hurt.”

Davey nodded sadly. Davey had hated seeing Crutchie hurt too, hated watching the Delancey’s drag him off by his bum leg, and they were nowhere near as close as Jack and him were at the time. Davey couldn’t even imagine how Jack felt when it happened.

After a couple of minutes, Specs returned with Crutchie walking next to him. The pace they were walking at was slow and Crutchie’s face was pained. Davey knew this happened sometimes. There’d be days when his leg was aching so bad he couldn’t get out of bed, much less sell papers. While he didn’t look quite that bad now, Crutchie didn’t look good. His face was clammy and pale, his grip on his crutch looked desperate, and even from the distance Davey could see him biting down on his lower lip.

Jack perked up visibly, uncrossing his arms and straightening his back. “Crutchie!”

“Hiya-”

It happened suddenly. One instant Crutchie was calling back to Jack, and the next he was wincing as his crutch fell out from under his arm, too much of his weight landed on his bad leg, and he crashed to the ground. Jack was running- Davey was running. Specs couldn’t grab him fast enough- Crutchie hit the ground and yelled out- grabbing his leg groaning.

“Crutchie!” Jack screamed, Davey running behind him.

Specs was crouched down next to Crutchie when Jack and Davey reached him. Crutchie was sitting down then, his bad leg extended and his good one curled against his chest, his crutch laying on the ground at his side. Specs was rubbing Crutchie’s bad leg with both hands, asking every few seconds if he was okay and making sure he wasn’t hurting him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” Crutchie mumbled through his clenched teeth.

“Damnit, Crutchie,” Jack mumbled. “If your legs hurtin’ you this bad just tell me. You ain’t sellin’ papes like this.”

“It’s fine, Jack, my leg ain’t too bad-”

“That’s a lie ‘nd we both know it.”

“I agree with Jack. Let’s get get ya back to the lodging house, Charlie.”

Davey didn’t even realize what he’d done till he noticed Crutchie’s hands tighten around his leg and his shoulders tense up.

“What- why- why’d you call me that? Who gave you my name?”

“I didn’t mean to-”

Suddenly, Jack shoved him backwards. Davey nearly fell down as he stumbled. Jack gave him a sharp glare that Davey understood immediately. Back off.

Davey walked back over to the other newsies at the distribution gate.

“The hell was that about?” Romeo asked quickly.

“Why’d Jack shove ya?” Race questioned, and Davey blocked out the chorus of other questions being thrown at him.

Before Davey could answer Specs came walking over. Behind him Davey could say Jack helping Crutchie back up, who glanced over his shoulder and said something quietly. The two then started walking back to the lodging house.

“Jack’s gonna wanna talk to ya,” Specs said. “Give ‘im a little ta cool off first. He said he wants you to meet him at the lodging house in fifteen minutes.”

“Oh god,” Romeo said from behind him and Race mumbled, “What the hell’d you do, Davey?”

Davey ignored them both and reached into his pocket and handed Les a few coins, telling him how many papers to buy for the day, and then instructing him to stick by Specs till he got back.

/////

When Davey arrived at the lodging house Jack was waiting for him at the door.

“Hey, Jack-”

“Shut up. Just follow me,” Jack mumbled, standing and walking towards the fire escapes ladder. Davey followed him silently up the ladder, then sat on the box Jack pointed at for him on the rooftop. It was hot outside, but that wasn’t the only reason he was sweating. Davey had upset Crutchie- and from what he understood, Crutchie was one of the most important things in Jack’s world. God, Davey thought. I messed up bad.

“So, who told you ‘is real name?” Jack spoke as he pulled a box up next to Davey’s.

“It came out when I was playin’ cards with Spot and Race the other day.”

“I’m gonna kill ‘em,” Jack grumbled.

“Listen, Jack, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ta call ‘im by it. It just-”

“I ain’t the one you need ta apologize to,” Jack said, turning his head from the cityscape to face Davey.

“I’ll go apologize to him right now-”

“No, Davey. Sit. Crutchie needs a little time ta.. Calm down, I guess. Ya freaked ‘im out. It’s been a long time since he’s let anyone call ‘im that name.”

“Not even you?”

“Nah. It.. connects ‘im back to a bad time in his life.”

“What do you mean?”

Jack sighed. “Why’s you always gotta ask so many questions?”

“Oh- sorry, if you don’t wanna say it’s fine. It’s not my place to-”

“Calm down. It didn’t mean it.” Jack turned his head away from Davey and back to the city, looking out over all the buildings.

“Crutchie didn’t have a good home life. Most ‘a us don’t have ‘em the best.. Most of us don’t got ‘em at all anymore. Crutchie don’t got a family no more- not blood at least. But when he did.. It was real bad.”

Jack stopped talking to a second, rubbing at his arm absentmindedly while he collected his thoughts. Davey didn’t say anything, just watched him.

“I didn’t meet Crutchie till the worst of it was already over. He told us later on why everythin’ had happened. His uh.. He got polio when he was real little. Maybe four he said, he don’t really remember exactly when cause it’s a slow thing. Anyway, his family was ‘im, his two brothers, and his ma’ and pa’. His ma’ got polio shortly after he did. It wound up killin’ her.”

Jack paused again, swallowing roughing.

“His pa’ drank a lot. His dad and one of his brothers, the older of ‘em, blamed ‘im for his mother dyin’. They beat on ‘im, but it wasn’t too bad. Crutchie couldn’t fight back at all or anythin’. He couldn’t walk with his leg gettin’ worse. He didn’t even have a crutch back then. He had ta drag himself around, from what he told me.

“Anyway. Things, uh, escalated. His dad lost ‘is job and he found a new one but it didn’t pay half as well.. They stopped givin’ ‘im food, for the most part, ‘cept what he took for himself, or one of his brother’s could sneak to ‘im. His dad got mad if he caught ‘em though.

“Eventually, it uh.. It all came to its head and ‘is.. They decided to get rid of him.”

Jack stopped talking then. His eyes were wide and fixed on the ground, his back hunched over. Davey felt like he was gonna be sick. But he needed to know. He needed to know.

“What.. what do you mean?”

Jack took in a hung gulp of air then let it go. He looked over to Davey.

“His dad tried to kill ‘im. He tried to choke him to death. Crutchie doesn’t really.. remember most ‘a it, but he said one his brothers was screamin’ his name. Beggin’ their dad to stop. He chickened out in the end- he threw Crutchie out on the street, barely conscious. Crutchie said the last thing he remembers is his dad sayin’ to his brother that he’d kill ‘im if he went after Crutchie. Then his memory goes out.

“I don’t know how long he was layin’ there on the sidewalk, unconscious. All I know is it was night time when we found ‘im. Real late. Me and Specs dragged ‘im back to the lodging house. We couldn’t really.. really tell if he was alive or not. Or if he’d make it, if he was. He looked.. awful.

“He was covered in bruises and scrapes and he was so small. He still is but.. It was so much worse back then. You could see his bones- every ridge of his spine. Everything. It was.. Horrible.”

Jack froze up, frowning, shaking his head softly. He looked over to Davey.

“Sorry. I’m rambling.”

“It’s okay,” Davey mumbled, desperately wanting to reach out and touch Jack- to put his hand on Jack’s back and try to comfort him. But he didn’t. “I ask you to tell me.”

After a moment’s silence, Jack started again.

“He didn’t move a whole lot the first couple of weeks. Everyone pitched in to pay his stay and to feed him. He looked miserable. Really, none of us thought he’d live but.. we weren’t gonna give up on him. We got ‘im a crutch and eventually he was able to start walking around, slowly but surely. We made sure he didn’t overdo it. He couldn’t talk to tell us his name. He had these.. dark purple bruises- practically black- circling his neck from his father’s hands. It hurt for ‘im to talk, so he didn’t. We called him Crutchie cause it was easy ta remember, and he didn’t seem ta mind it.

“He never told any of us his real name till kinda recently, actually. He said not to call him by it though cause it takes him back to that day with his dad ‘nd his brother. He doesn’t like to think ‘bout it. Or talk ‘bout it. You can imagine why.”

Jack stopped talking again, but this time Davey knew it was because they’d reached the end of the story. His nausea hadn’t died down- in fact, it was slowly getting worse. The story was awful enough on it’s own- but knowing the he had taken Crutchie back to that day… He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t handle the guilt swelling up in his stomach and choking him (just like Crutchie’s dad had done to him- oh god- he was gonna throw up-)

Davey stood up and stumbled away, spilling the contents of his stomach as far away from Jack as he could get. Jack got off his box and appeared behind Davey, rubbing his sympathetically.

“God- god- I’m such an idiot,” Davey mumbled, rubbing his sleeve across his mouth. “I can’t believe- what I did to him-”

“You couldn’t ‘a known,” Jack said, sighing. “I shouldn’t ‘a shoved ya. I overreacted.”

“I upset Crutchie. I deserved it.”

Jack didn’t say anything in reply to that, he just frowned and rubbed Davey’s back until stood back up to his full height.

“Sorry about- uh- throwing up on your penthouse.”

“It’s fine. I’ll clean it up later. Let’s go down. Crutchie’s probably calmed down by now.”

Davey nodded, following Jack over to the edge of his roof and back down the fire escape. He followed Jack inside and over to the bed Crutchie was laying in, the one in the furtherest corner of the room. Crutchie was curled up in it, the sheets thrown to the side, facing the wall and picking at loose threads from the pillowcase silently, aside from the occasional sniffle.

Jack held out a hand, telling Davey to wait by one of the other beds that was a little ways off. He watched as Jack walked over and tapped Crutchie’s shoulder gently.

Crutchie shifted in the bed carefully to avoid upsetting his leg any further but so that he could see Jack.

“You doin’ better, Crutchie?”

He nodded softly, carefully pushing himself into a sitting position.

“I’m doin’ better, yeah. I ain’t caught back there anymore.” Crutchie said through his teeth- still clenched from pain.

“And your leg?”

“It’s been better, but I’ll live,” He replied, shrugging his shoulders lightly.

“Alright. Glad ta hear it. Youse gotta start takin’ better care of yourself,” Jack said softly, reaching out to run his fingers through Crutchie’s soft hair. “No one cares if you ain’t feelin’ well. We all want ya safe, even if it means not sellin’ for a day.”

Crutchie nodded, leaning into Jack’s touch and closing his eyes. He was exhausted.

“Hey, Crutchie. Davey has some stuff he wants ta say to ya. I’ll give ya both some space. I’ll be just outside. That alright?”

“Yeah.”

With that, Jack gave Crutchie a long look, eyes sad and full of caring. He stood up from the crouched position he’d been at and walked away, sending Davey over before exiting the lodging houses’ door.

Davey’s body language was timid. His shoulders were hunched over so that he wasn’t at his full height, he was wringing his hands together nervously, and his face looked slightly green. He couldn’t force himself to look Crutchie in the eye- he felt so awful about what he’d done. He’d hurt Crutchie- he’d taken him away from his life with his friends and his family- his real family, the family that mattered , that loved him unconditionally- and thrown him back to his old life, where he was starving and his father had his hands wrapped around his neck and he was gasping for air- he was suffocating and-

“Hey, Davey, calm down,” Crutchie said, his face painted with concern. “Ya look like youse seen a ghost.”

Davey noticed how short his breaths were coming, but he couldn’t deepen them.

“Davey, hey. It’s alright. Sit down with me, hm?” Crutchie adjusted himself so that his legs were hanging over the edge of the bed and he was facing out into the room, making space for Davey to sit beside him. He patted the mattress softly, and Davey sat down in the empty space.

“I’m guessin’ Jack told ya everythin’?” Crutchie asked, and Davey nodded. “Sorry ya had to hear ‘bout all that. ‘Bout my sad life. It ain’t important anymore.”

“Crutchie,” Davey breathed out, voice sounding exhausted. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m the one ‘a us that messed up today. And it is important. I didn’t have the right to know your real name- much less to call ya by it. You’ve got every right to be mad at me.”

“I ain’t mad, Davey.”

“W-what? Why not?”

“You scared me, sure, but I ain’t mad at ya. I mean.. it ain’t like you coulda know how it’d affect me. It sucked for me ta get taken back there but.. it ain’t your fault that’s where my name takes me. That’s just my lovely brain, doin’ me a favor by remindin’ me of that night.”

Crutchie huffed out a humorless laugh that only made Davey feel sadder.

“Still though. I shouldn’t ‘a called you by your name without your permission. Crutchie, I’m so sorry that all that happened to you. I didn’t know.”

“It’s all in the past know. Ain’t nothin’ that can be done ‘bout it anymore. I’ve moved on. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. My dad.. He was just tryin’ to do what was best for my brothers.”

“You didn’t deserve it. You know that, right? There’s no excuse. It doesn’t matter if it would’ve helped your brothers. You were his child. He was supposed to take care of you.”

Crutchie nodded. He felt tears start to well up in his eyes again. He sniffled.

“Yeah, youse right. Givin’ ‘im an excuse makes it… easier to swallow sometimes. Makes it easier to understand why he’d.. he’d try ta..”

He couldn’t force out the last word. It caught in his throat at the circle of bruises that once found themselves home there. He wasn’t sure when the tears had escaped his eyes and started to make their way down his cheeks, he just knew he could feel them against his burning face. Davey wrapped an arm around Crutchie’s shoulder and pulled him in close, letting Crutchie rest his head on his chest and cry against him. He rubbed soothing circles in his back gently. Davey didn’t know how long they sat there like that.

“It sucks,” Crutchie mumbled, voice muffled by Davey’s shirt and his own sobs. “I ain’t worthless. I know that. But.. my family sure did think I was, huh? Makes me wonder sometimes if.. if my dad woulda done it if I was different. If they woulda kept me. If I woulda had a family..”

“Hey,” Davey said softly, pulling Crutchie away from his body so he could see his face, meeting his eyes. “You do got a family. Just not one by blood. Blood don’t make a family. Blood doesn’t matter if there isn’t love behind it.”

“We’s a family?” Crutchie asked softly- happily, because he already knew the answer.

“Of course we are.”

/////

Later that day, after everyone had sold all their papers and they were meeting at Jacobi’s Deli for dinner, Davey and Jack went over to the lodging house to check on Crutchie and see if he was feeling better.

“Yeah, yeah,” Crutchie said, pulling himself out of bed slowly with Jack’s help. “I’m feelin’ back to a hundred percent. I wanna come.”

“Good to hear it,” Davey said, grabbing the crutch from the place it leaned on the wall and handing it to Crutchie.

They moved slowly, just to be safe, but none of them minded. The sun was getting low and the heat was starting to die off, so the walk was peaceful instead of miserable.

“By the way,” Crutchie began as the walked, “I never did ask- who told you my real name?”

“You know when I went to play cards in Brooklyn the other day?”

Crutchie nodded and hummed. “So it was Race?”

“Yeah- how’d ya know it wasn’t Spot?”

“‘Cause Spot gets it better than Race does. I’d never tell his name, he’d never tell mine.”

“Wait- I thought only Race knew Spot’s real name?” Jack asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

“What Race doesn’t know won’t kill ‘im,” Crutchie replied, shrugging lightly. “Spot ‘nd Ise better friends than you’d think.”

There was a brief silence as of sort of awestruckness fell over Davey and Jack.

“Beside the point, though. For the sake of fairness, ‘nd maybe revenge, pray tell, Race ever told ya his real name?” Crutchie asked.

“No,” Davey said, shaking his head. “But wouldn’t telling make you a hypocrite?”

“Maybe,” Crutchie shrugged again. “But it’ll be funny to see the look on his face tomorrow.”

Crutchie stopped walking for a second and grabbed Davey arm, pulling him close. Davey had to bend down slightly so that Crutchie could reach his ear. He cupped his hand over his mouth and whispered…

/////

“Hey guys!” Davey yelled, running up to the gates of the distribution center, Les trailing behind him.

“‘Sup, Mouth?” Race asked through a chorus of ‘Hey Davey!’s and ‘Hiya David!’s

Davey couldn’t help but smile.

“Not much. Sup with you, Anthony?”

Davey watched as Race’s eyes widened with shock and the nearby Newsies fell silent. Race suddenly clenched his fists at his sides.

“Crutchie! I’m gonna kill you!”

Through the crowd Crutchie’s laugh could be heard, clear as a bell, as he took off running, Race chasing after him.

#newsies #newsies live #newsies 1992 #crutchie #crutchie morris #jack kelly #david jacobs #davey jacobs #racetrack higgins #spot conlon #my fanfic #fanfic #newsies fanfiction #sprace #jackcrutchie #my works #uhhh #something new everyday

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herbprince · 7 years

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tw/// WORD VOMIT, OVERSHARING (i talked a lot using binary gender terms and am possibly experiencing internalised homophobia, also talked about porn, referred to myself as a lesbian for a sec but i caught myself, possible self-deprivation idk i hate myself) so...uhh...this is my boyfriend. he's super sweet and cares about me and he's my best friend. but, it's kinda weird for me. i've struggling with my sexuality lately so this is gonna be a like rant post but also look at my boi, isn't he cute??? i have never really genuinely had feelings for 'boys'. like it's only been sexual (meaning me secretly watching gay porn and not telling anyone about it) but like i don't think i'd marry a 'man'. those are thoughts i've had ever since i came out as lesbian. i was very adamant about being attracted to 'women'. if anyone would make a joke about me liking 'men' (like in a family situation sometimes i used to hear 'your husband is going to be so lucky to have you' or 'gay? i thought you were in love with justin bieber?' nope. ew. never a penis ever. during the two years i attended high school, i really started to get to know myself. i knew i liked 'girls' and i had also realised i'm a boy and that was like cool for a bit. eventually i was able to come out to my family and everyone's on board and i'm definitely transitioning which is all i've wanted since i was 15. realising i was a boy and getting everyone to respect pronouns really gave me a lot of confidence. i mean i still hate myself but at least i hate myself as my genuine self and not hating my genuine self but also hating my self for 'living a lie' identifying as female. i've been comfortable with my voice (still pre-t) and being seen in public without internally constantly being like 'you look like a lesbian, you inferior pig/everyone sees you as 'female' but like one of the biggest things i've noticed is that i'm more comfortable painting my nails and wearing makeup which is something i wouldn't even feel comfortable doing as a lesbian. coming out as trans has made me feel more like myself and a little more confident. but i feel a lot more comfortable with people assuming i'm a gay boy (and as of recent being a gay boy) than being an open lesbian (/closeted transkid) and having anyone be aware that im looking up cute lil twink boys. like no one would believe me if i told them i was fantasising about topping a cute twink. i would be like accused for being a straight girl and lying about it (my mum did this to me). i'm honestly just super gay and will only watch homosexual videos (idk if there's nb porn id love to see it but i also don't want nb people to become fetishised.) so after all that shpeal, here comes my point. when i was identifying as lesbian, no one could ever know i watched twink porn. like if someone like made a joke about me liking 'men' i go into defensive mode and be like 'i don't like dick. dick is fucking disgusting. what gives you the audacity to even assume that?' liking dick was something i was not about or generally interested in. but now, i couldn't confidently tell you that i don't like 'men'. i still haven't experienced any genuine feelings for cis 'men', in fact, i despise them (or like i might have a 'type' for cis guys i can tolerate.) i know i could care less about anyone's genitalia as long they keep them clean. trans 'women' are 'women' regardless of gentalia. i also know that i am very attracted to gender non conforming people and some of those individuals have penises. so it's not like i can't tolerate a penis. my problem is that my brain is also trying to justify that dating 'him' is okay because he's afab and nonbinary. but like i know none of that makes a difference because his gender identity is valid and his that i cannot change. and i know that people are gay, and trans people don't always identify as hetero (me being one of them) and there are rlly cute gay trans guys out there, but like my brain just can't apply it. like it's cool for everyone else to do that but like my brain says i'm not allowed and punishes me. i know i love him regardless of his gender or his genitals. i love him cos he's the only person who hasn't abused me (knock on wood) and he treats me like a valid human being and he's just the most wonderful boi....i just.... why is me being attracted to a boy giving me immense anxiety and crashing my brain? like why can't i just be okay with this? i'd be totally supportive of anyone else...so like why do i feel like i'm in trouble or like i'm doing something wrong? why isn't it okay for me to have a boyfriend? i literally identify as queer romantically and like am always aware that it could happen but like why do i feel this way? i've been given the amazing privelege of having a positive influence and someone who supports me in almost everything (obviously not harmful decisions) and couldn't have asked for a sweeter boyfriend. WHY WON'T MY BRAIN JUST LET ME HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WHERE I CAN LOVE THEM AND NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT? i mean i'm still immensely fearing abandonment and am terrified but i love him very dearly and would never dream of hurting him. why can't i just feel normal about this? it would make me happier if i could believe he loved me and didnt have an existential crisis thinking about him leaving. why do i make everything problematic? why can't i just be fully aware that gay is okay, transmen can be gay, trans people can date other transpeople, sexuality is fluid. also, it's not like i fully identify as male, i am very much nonbinary as well. so like idk why im freaking out about being gay when we both use he/they pronouns, cos i'm simultaneously gay with him in a nonbinary way. i just am so overwhelmed and am stuck in a very binary mindset. I GENUINELY IDENTIFY AS QUEER AND IT JUST DOESN'T SINK IN THAT I AM ALLOWED TO LIKE BOYS IF IT HAPPENS AND IT'S FRUSTRATING. - i feel like a really bad member of the lgbtqia* community. the gay community was a safehaven for me when i had no one and my brain is filled with these thoughts i would never condone. im very disappointed in myself for even being able to have thoughts like that. i feel like a terrible queer. - it's funny cos like i love him a lot and it's scrambling my brain but if i developed feelings for a cis guy i would probably lose all of my marbles cos i have a strong aversion to hetero cis males and that is something i genuinely can't imagine. if i ever did i'm sure i wouldn't be able to recognise myself. i just wouldn't feel like me. i'm very grateful for him and i hope i can get my shit together before i scare him off. - (this part is for me) **deep breath** kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys. kieran is allowed to like boys.

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insidiousflame · 7 years

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My Spirituality

So I consider myself to be a very open-minded person when it comes to spirituality. I didn’t always used to be because I grew up christian. And as a result, I was taught to believe in that religion absolutley 100% with no grey areas in between. But of course as a person grows older, they start to question things and branch off into other ways of thinking and morals. For example, I used to be very against gay marriage because I was ignorant, and only knew the bible said it was wrong. But as my knowledge matured about the world and my own faith, I realized how out-dated that way of thinking was. My personal experiences and relationship with God, gave me an abundance of love and wisdom about life. And I had to decipher within my self what to believe, versus what other PEOPLE told me to believe. Along with of course, the many inconsistencies within the text of the bible itself, whole big conundrum i wont get into. It was a tremendous struggle because i always just trusted what other people, especially my parents, told me was right or wrong and that was it. So instead of just going along with a written text, i focused more on what felt right with me and my own heart. And let me tell you it feels so much better. So i still do consider myself a christian today. But theres some magical, controversial bits in between that I’m about to shed light on now. I have a big interest in the supernatural. Like, not just with the knowledge about angels and demons, but things from the common mythical creatures to straight up chakra and psychic and witchy aspects of it. Magic basically. I have always, from the ripe young age of an elementary schooler, been curious about witchcraft and things associated. The only reason i was introduced to it at such a young age was because I had a friend way back then who was apparently a witch. All I remember was her having this book on witchcraft and wanting to do some spells with me. And i was like “oh that sounds cool!” But somewhere in the mix the parents found out and i pretty much wasnt able to hang around her much anymore. And that was the end of that until a bit later. I wanna say I started learning more about that magical stuff again in highschool. I would end up watching supernatural shows on youtube or researching stuff about tarot cards and crystals etc and I was just so drawn to it. And I again, came into contact with a friend who practiced all that cool stuff and he opened me back up to it with his own tarot which he actually let me borrow at one point. And oh boy was I excited. This stuff...was crazy. It felt like my soul was just passionate with this curious fire. Now there was also this side of me who felt like i was doing something bad because of what I was raised to believe. Basically, if it aint of God, its of the devil. And the devil was gonna try and suck me into this evil stuff. And although i had this excitement, I had a feeling, as I kept working with the cards over and over, that they were telling me to stay away from them. The cards were telling me. Or whatever divine influence around me was. I mean, my parents found out about them eventually and of course gave me the whole “its demonic” schpeal. But i got my own warning signs i started to notice. And this will probably sound really crazy. But honestly....all this stuff is crazy. But still happened mind you. See, the tarot cards consist of what is called Major Arcana, which is your well known cards like “The Devil, The Wheel of Fortune, High Priestess” titles like that. And the Minor Arcana, which contain the suits, “Swords, wands, pentacles, cups” listed Ace through King with numbers of course in between. I kept drawing, The Devil. I kept drawing cards with the number 6 on it. So Immedietley I had the thought of, “Okay. Something is telling me I shouldnt be using these.” So I eventually gave them back to the friend and didnt mess with them again until much later. But of course my curiousity didnt end there. Bitch please. To speed things along, I ended up buying and destroying a couple of decks until I finally reached a spiritual point where I understood the responsibility that was needed to use them. Through those years I spent a loooot of time researching about witch craft, wicca, paganism and all the metaphysical and divination practices of the like. I researched about what the bible said about them and also the concrete history of witchery and the differences of the different terms associated with them. And then I discovered.....holy shit. This shit isn’t this big bad evil that everyone makes it out to be. It’s actually.....very beautiful and artistic and expressive. And I think the mystery and aesthetic and magical aspects of those things is what really drew me in in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, magic can MOST CERTAINLY be used for evil. It can most certainly hurt you and others whether you believe in it or not. And I think that’s why my spiritual guides, or whatever was happening back then, steered me away from it. Because I wasn’t mature enough to know how to use those tools safely and without getting carried away. Because now i have absolutley no problem using these tools for guidance. Cause I dont abuse them. Because these beautiful practices resonated so much with me, i started to want to incorporate them more in my life in now a more respectful and wise manner. And it was really, enriching for my soul and my view on life. It brought me so much happiness and appreciation for the mystery life has. And I’ve been able to find a comfortable balance with my beliefs. And here is where I’m at today. I am still a believer in the christian God. But I also enjoy incorporating symbolic and ritualistic crafts from the magical culture into my worship. So in other words, i could put myself in the category into an eclectic witch. Eclectic Witches create their own personal practices and belief or religious systems by re-creating or borrowing knowledge and practices from other beliefs, practices, etc. So they basically see something they like about another’s belief or practice and say “oh i like that, that feels right with me, im going to incorporate that into my spirituality as well.” Which is what im doing. lol Theres a LOT that needs explaining with that because it is so easy for people to get confused and assume things which is why this topic is so difficult to talk about because it goes back into all that history and research. I had to make a whole educational documentation for my parents so they could understand why i like these things, why they arent as evil as they believe and so on. It is very frustrating when you feel like you need to justify yourself to others about what you believe. And i think my experience with spirituality has really opened me up to other’s beliefs and being a whole lot more less judgmental and more accepting and loving of people in general. So in essence, all I’m doing, is a new form of ritual. When I use my cards, i am specific to say I only wish for the guidance from God and his Angels. And everything that he wishes me to know, will be by his will only with no interference of another force or entity. I always make sure to protect myself from the negative energies. I rarely do spells nowadays, but when I do, it is only of a means of feeling like I am doing more than just....talking about it. It makes me feel a little more in control and I again, make sure my intentions are clear with what energies I am working with and I mean no disrespect to God in the works I do and it is only for creative expression and ritual dedicated to him and no one else. And that feels right with me. I didn’t go into much, but crystal healing is another thing I love, although I dont believe in 100% because I’m just always keeping an open mind and completley understand a skeptic’s point of view. But nonetheless I have had my own share of positive experiences with it and do still enjoy working with them from time to time. That’s about all I’ll go into. And just for your convenience, I will actually link the documents of some of the basic research and explanation on my practices and beliefs in the description if youre curious. The actual couple of fun pages I gave to my parents so hopefully i dont have to explain myself further. lol I would love to touch up on some more spiritual/paranormal stuff at later dates. Have a beautiful day. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cB0avtCEEyoA_-CZKh5OWCz56qXVqoSJu6MLsZtAYIo/edit

#christian witch #witch #witchcraft #spiritual #tarot #crystal

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