#ignore me im going through something again

[euijoosorangeslice]

harua fingering reader under the table while all the members are around orrr vice versa (reader strokes harua) 😣😣

flushed out

shigeta harua x reader

Your friends all hung out every Saturday night, grouped up as ten on a combination of the couch and the floor. After nine other days of rotation, it was finally your turn to pick the movie. “Twilight!” You eagerly selected, watching some of your friends smile and some of them roll their eyes.

“Seriously, __? We watch this every time it’s your turn.” Kei whined, holding his pillow. “Sorry, it’s just the best movie ever.” You mumbled, relaxing into the couch. Yuma and Taki were on the ground, Maki situated behind them. Fuma, Euijoo, Nicholas and Kei were all sitting on one couch, and you were sitting in between Jo and Harua.

As you took a deep breath in, you watched the first twenty minutes of the movie through. Suddenly, you felt Harua’s hand crawling up your thigh. You whipped your head towards him, seeing a slight blush against his face. “I want to try something.” He whispered, making you sigh slightly. “Harua, no. You try this every time. I’m not going into the bathroom with you.” You answered, swiftly dismissing his question.

He whined, slamming his head against the couch. “__, please! I’ve never had a girl…give me a handjob. I just want to try it this once.” he whispered, tapping the inside of your thigh. You rolled your eyes, moving his hand away from your thigh and returning to the movie.

It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes when you heard Harua slightly moan next to you. Again, you turned towards him. “No way.” You whispered, almost angrily. He was touching himself under the same blanket you were sharing with him. “Harua, how horny could you possibly be right now?” You shouted, hushed. This earned you a smug look from Nicholas, who was sitting the closest to Harua.

“I-im sorry __, but please. Just this once, okay? And I’ll never ask again.” He begged, and you sighed in annoyance. “Fine. I’ll give you what you want.” You agreed, spitting into your hand and reaching into Harua’s sweatpants. You reached down further, pushing down his boxers to his mid-thighs.

Slowly, you began stroking his cock in repetitive motions, watching as Harua bit onto the top of the sheets to muffle the sounds of his pleasure. He whined your name, shutting his eyes from embarrassment of how loud his noises were. Jo looked over, and when he noticed your hand under the blanket moving, he looked away.

He began rocking his hips into the pleasure as he moaned, burying his face into his cushion when you cupped his balls with your other hand. “You must really like being watched, since you’re about to cum from just this.” You spoke, not as hushed since Jo already was aware of what was going on.

You looked over, seeing the tip of Jo’s ears turned red from shock. As Harua finished, he let out a long string of whines and moans of your name, louder than he wanted to. Even though he was overstimulated, you still kept stroking him in the same motion. You noticed that Euijoo had looked now, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Once he realized what was happening, he didn’t hesitate to call you both out. “Oh my god, are you two really touching each other under there?” You noticed as Kei’s eyes shot open. “Ugh, oh my god! I knew you were acting weird today, Harua, but not this weird!” He cried, grabbing Maki and shielding his eyes.

Harua had completely turned red by now from all of the attention, his half-hard dick still in your palm. Taki and Yuma just burst into a fit of giggles, Fuma joining them. Harua huffed, trying to push past the embarrassment. “Well, f-first you make fun of me for months on end, saying ‘n-no girl would ever touch me’ , and when one finally does, e-everyone still makes fun of me!”

Harua pulled up his sweatpants, ignoring the stains of his own release on the inside. “Harua, we’re just kidding, do whatever you want.” Nicholas tried to reassure him, but he ignored him. “I- I need to um…use the bathroom.” He rushed off, Jo awkwardly staring at you as you sucked your fingers to get the remainder of him off of you.

“What, do you want one too?” You joked, making Nicholas laugh from his core and Jo turn away from you.

#&team #&team imagines #&team smut #&team x reader #&team hard hours #&team harua

[renranram]

Your stories r so good qigehwjw I keep rereading them when there hasn't been a new one updating, but would like to ask which u can freely ignore.

What if schlatt takes us once again to Japan and we try out a kimono he's either filming her or someone else it's up to you🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 once again have a great day!!

Kimonos

sfw + fluff

this is like the part 2 from the last japan related schlatt one shot i wrote

a/n; HI YANNVI!! IM GLAD YOU LIKE MY WORKS SKSHSHFJ + YOUR IDEA IS SO CUTE OFC I CAN'T JUST IGNORE IT ILY ( PARASOCIALLY )

schlatt and you return again to japan, this time it's just both of you two, no cameras, no nothing

the photo booth pics of you two are still in the back of his phone, showing you off but in a lowkey way, as you two scroll through a small festival in japan you two look around as schlatt pause, approaching a small stand before picking up a small pink cat plush

“ it looks like you “ schlatt smiles as you chuckle, “ do i really? “ you ask, standing next to him as you pat the small plush before gasping, grabbing a large brown bear

“ it looks like you! “ you giggle, as he chuckles back, gently grabbing the bear from out of your hand as he poses with it

you grab out your polaroid, before snapping a photo of him and the bear, “ you're so cute “ you mutter out as schlatt could only pull you for a peck in your cheek

“ i thought we agreed on not bringing any cameras hm? “ he gently caresses your shoulder before you respond, “ i knoww, i just wanted to snap some photos “ you reply, “ preserve the memories you know? “

“ of course you would “ he states, before glancing at the two plushies, “ do you want them? “ he asks

“ uhm.. but what if they're too expensive? “ you ask, he always spoils you without a problem so why would he care now?, “ there's nothing to expensive for me “ schlatt retorts patting your hair as he grabs both of the plushies

respectfully paying for the toys, as he looks at you proudly, holding the bag, “ it's us but if we're plushies “ you added he intertwines his hand with yours, as you two continue to walk around the festival

you two ate traditional foods, looked at shrines and even paid respect for the spirits by lighting up some candles

your polaroid collections started growing and growing with every shot of you two, that was until fans of his spotted you two, both are wearing kimonos as they reluctantly approaches schlatt

“ hi! we're such big fans “ the boy, who looks about 15 and his friend, a girl, who looks older smiles at them as you glance at schlatt, happy that he was recognized, “ hey im glad you like my content “ schlatt replies

the two kids looks at you before gasping, giving him a cheeky smile, schlatt scolds the kids in a playful manner, “ we keep this a secret alright? “ he daps up the kids before the two nod, being a chuckling mess

“ can we take a photo with you? “ the girl asks as schlatt glances at you, looking for permission as you respond with a small nod, stepping away a little as the two kids, pose, and snaps a photo with their idol

schlatt pats both of their shoulders, “ we're so happy to meet you! “ the kids state in unison as they bow in unison too, “ me too, “ schlatt pauses before glancing at their attire, “ hey, before you two go, can i ask where'd you'd get those? “ he asks nicely, pointing at the kimonos

“ oh our parents rented these in a nearby store… like over there! “ the kid points at a shop, who's only a few blocks from where they were

“ alright, thank you “ schlatt gives them a little bow as the kids run away, giggling, schlatt approaches you, noticing you looking in awe at a beautifully decorated shrine while chewing on her dango

“ hi toots “ he greets you again, his hand on your waist as you smile, “ they seem like nice kids “ you commented as schlatt nods in reply, “ i wanna try something with you “ he added as you raise your eyebrow in interest

“ oh? “ you blink as schlatt gently grabs your wrist as he starts pulling you behind him, “ what is it? “ you ask, smiling, “ just something “

you nod in defeat as schlatt and you stop at a kimono shop, you gasp, “ what's this for? “ you ask him, “ wanna try those kimonos with you “ he nudges your shoulder

“ really? “ you squeal, before nodding, as two staffs comes up to you two speaking in japanese but they're generally greeting you in their shop

you two were separated by them as they let you chose the preferred color of your clothing, unironically, you and schlatt chose the same color, light blue

the staffs gently dresses you up with the obis, such as ( obi-age, obi, obi-dome and obi-shime ), they were that kind to even gently put on the tabi on you, even letting you borrow a tradional umbrella and a kinchaku

schlatt of course paid for everything, the staffs calling him handsome and he could only bow and chuckle in response flustered

as you got out of the dressing room, schlatt swore he fell in love again, he smiles, your hair was put up, the staffs cooes at you two as you chuckling, noticing the same color you two wore

“ we're twinning babe “ you approach him as schlatt pulls you by your waist as the staffs squeal like teenage girls

you two chuckle as schlatt pulls out the polaroid before approaching the staff, whispering something at them as they nod, even with the language barrier schlatt just hands them the polaroid before going back to you to pose

“ ah “ you mutter, his hand on your waist, as the two of you pose, after with a small shutter, schlatt bows in gratitude as the staff returns the camera, all smiles, “ uh…you return in… hour “ the staff states, her broken english is very obvious

the two of you continued to walk around the festival even managing to get into a petting zoo, before it was you who was taking photos him and this time it was him taking pictures

it was an adorable sight really, you chuckle, scrunchiour nose as you feed a lamb, another shutter, “ you keep taking pics of me “ you mumbles, fixing your hair

“ it's cause you're adorable toots “ he smiles at you, “ plus, it saves the memories you know… so.. if we do get children in the future we can show them how pretty their mother is “

you blush like a teenage girl, “ awh come on, it is real tho, i want us to have a photo album of us, a photo album dedicated to you, showing how much we love eachother “

“ … you're so cheesy “ you can only comment, as schlatt pecks your cheek, “ it is real tho, i wanna share these memories with them in the future “

-

@.isniffschlatt’ssocks • 7 minutes

AHH OMG SCHLATT WAS SPOTTED IN JAPAN WITH THE SAME GIRL, ANY THOUGHTS??

↳ 427 ⇆ 308 ♡ 592

↳ @.jschlatt • 1 minute

that girl is my gf btw

↳ 799 ⇆ 987 ♡ 1.8k

#chuckle sammy #chuckle sandwich #jschlatt #schlatt #sleep deprived podcast #schlatt fanfic #jschlatt x reader #jschlatt x you #schlatt x reader #schlatt x y/n #schlatt x you #schlatt fluff #jschlatt x y/n #jschlatt fanfic

[pikslasrce]

#piksla.txt #ignore me im going through something again #hall of fame

[napping-sapphic]

i want to fall in love in a way that always gives me something positive to think of like i want to love someone so much that i know i can send my thoughts in their direction to calm myself down and get away from everything else for a bit i don’t know i guess i just want something good to think about

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #ugh ignore me #again im going through a lot right now #i dont know im just tired #and sad and sick of thinking #and it’s like there’s no mental safe spaces in my mind right now #because it all just redirects back #just feedback loop forever #and i just wish i had something safe to think about i guess #im sorry im sad posting i just honestly don’t have anything else to give right now

[saturnniidae]

"I should've seen the signs" I feel like Stoick was basically reliving the way he lost Valka.

To him, after a lifetime of wanting nothing but to kill a dragon, Hiccup's suddenly and inexplicably changed his mind. To him, Hiccup saying he can't kill them is just like when Valka refused to and tried convincing others as well, then as a result was 'killed' by one herself.

To him, way Hiccup tossed his weapon and shield to the side then approached Hookfang while speaking about how dragons aren't what people think they are probably bares an uncomfortable resemblance to the way Valka put down her weapon and stared a dragon in the eyes and as a result was taken.

To him, attempting to do anything but preemptively defend yourself against a dragon will only end in tragedy, so he has to do anything he can to stop Hiccup before it's too late.

(And just like with Valka, he unintentionally escalated the situation by trying to protect Hiccup but only agitated the dragon, causing it to panic and react, inadvertently putting someone he loves in danger. again)

Stoick of course, wasn't acting rationally, but it makes sense when you think about how traumatizing Valka's 'death' must've been for him (and how much Hiccup reminss him of her); he watched her get taken, presumably killed, and couldn't do anything about it.

#THE PARALLEL GHSSHRBFK THE PARALLELS #'so everything in the ring was a trick? a lie?' he was so elated when he though hiccup was finally taking after him #he convinced himself so hard that This was the real hiccup he's finnaly going to be a proper viking a real member of the tribe #and he was so proud and glad he finally had something he could connect with his son over #but again he'd convinced himself of all that. he completely ignored everything hiccup had to say #in his eagerness to actually be a Family to actually bond with his child #he was so stuck with this fake image of Hiccup the Dragon Slayer he'd convinced himself of to the point #when it all fell through he felt almost betrayed #betrayed and scared #scared he made a horrible irrational and emotionally charged decision of essentially disowning his son #im not saying stoicks a good parent. hes not. but hes trying and alone and taking care of an entire village as well as hiccup #and all the unprocessed trauma and emotional repression #hes not great but hes not bad either. hes trying. #hes trying and its not enough but at least it got better #i love stoick #parents of autistic kids they dont understand moment #httyd #stoick the vast #stoick haddock #hiccup haddock #valka haddock #httyd analysis #maybe? #hiccup horrendous haddock iii #haddock family #moth.txt #also pls dont tell me abt how valka and the 2nd movie wasnt planned yet. ik that but i like expanding on things #and pondering a characters reasoning for certain decisions bc its fun and makes them all the more fascinating #post rewatch 1am thoughts go crazy (sorry if any of this is like redundant or confusing. im tired) if u read the tags ily

[jils-things]

to love someone is to heal someone

#~ art #♥️ memoryshipping #ignore tags if youre just here for the art and not me going full diary mode #anyways ... this is a little personal to me #especially with how i treat her here. i think this is a direct projection of how i'm feeling right now #today has been a little harsh on me - maybe a little painful even #i'm okay now - because i resolved it. albeit harboring some bits of anger to it but its not worth fighting about anymore #its hard to say that i'm - very optimistic so to speak because it's only one pillar i just jumped over and there will be more later #and this is me coping with it and im lucky to have mustered some energy to at least express it through drawing #i havent been drawing much for myself and it makes me sad because its my source of happiness #my time for drawing is being repurposed for other stuff right now and it still is and i dont feel entirely happy doing it unfortunately #i still have many things i want to follow up on my drawing list especially in my recent interests peaking again #but i resorted for now to making something im already used to. stevaide lol fgsjsddsjjsdjkghsdjgdjkhskjghshsgsasjhjsjksdjfhsfasgs corny ass #rest assured im at a somewhat relaxed state right now. throwing boops here and there calmed me down because theres people around me #who ig thinks im cool eajdhajhd #ahh anyway

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened. #you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help? #doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do” #“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem” #(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.) #he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again. #something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence? #she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”. #wips tag

[spookythesillyfella]

" Losing battle of loss "

#hi guyyss X33 #im feeling really really bad :3 #the emptiness is consuming me day after day after day and i don't know how much more i can handle #it hurts to see that all the people i care about have better things to do than talk to me . i don't like being people's last option . #im being selfish . im being a bad person . i know these people have their own busy lives and yet i still choose to feel hurt over the fact – #– they aren't here to talk to me 24/7 #it's even worse since i feel like they're all going to die . or that im going to die #i don't want to lose them . i don't want them to leave without me even saying goodbye . i don't want this to happen again . #*sigh* #anyway #because im feeling so terrible . i decided to make a drawing to feel a bit better #i don't typically vent through art cuz it's really cringe but i guess i feel a bit better #im also trying to write something so i can express my feelings . though i guess it's pretty bad #ill get back on my feet soon though !! i just know it !! #ill get that spark eventually !! #okay #bye-bye #dhmis #dhmis art #dhmis au #high voltage au #dhmis tony #tony the talking clock #dhmis hv tony #tw bugs #i guess ? #pls ignore me

[bizarreandjarring]

Disco thoughts - tw substance abuse

i've seen a couple of posts which talk about how kim's character is basically a wish fulfillment for somebody with mental health and/or substance abuse problems - he listens without judgement, helps you, and stays by your side. this is very true but i wanted to add my two cents on the fact that it feels the same way from the other end - that harry is wish fulfillment for people who are close to people with susbtance abuse problems.

playing disco has been a super interesting experience for me, i didnt understand the content of the game before i played it, it hit a lot closer to home than i thought it would on many fronts. growing up someone in my family, specifically in the same household as me, had very serious substance abuse issues. there was an attempt to shield me from it mostly, but that just meant that i didnt really understand why and what was happening and the implications of it. it really scarred my childhood and shaped a large part of who i am in a way that i deeply dislike and resent. that person is still in my life now, they are clean and have been for years, but the memories remain. it is particularly hard to have them in my life because aside from anything that happened in the past, they are a huge bigot, with a huge ego, and have a lot of problems empathizing with others and being nice for once and not a giant asshole.

it feels so stupid to say that part of me will always be angry at them because they never even apologised? they wanted to move past everything that happened so bad that they never said sorry, never acknowledged my pain

anyway, to get to the point, this is why harry really came across as wish fulfillment for me personally. he's big and drunk and stumbling and smoking, saying the wrong thing all the time, outbursts at any second, he's done bad things, he's coming down and he's miserable. i know that man. i've known that man for a long time now. i hate that man and i love him almost against my own will. but unlike in real life, in the game (depending on how you play) you can have him say im sorry, you can make him get clean and really stay that way. you can have him be nice to kids and help them start a stupid dance club and make friends and make amends and really fucking try. and that was cathartic for me on a level that i wasnt really prepared for. after i thought about this it made me understand why i sympathised with jean so little. in my mind, if you have an addict in your life this is the dream scenario! why is jean so angry doesn't he know how good he's got it?! obviously the two situations are in no way 1:1, but i couldnt help thinking that if that person in my life turned around tomorrow and said - im sorry, i fucked up and hurt you, im going to do better, im going to be kinder, maybe there is something in this world for me other than hurt...

well fuck i'd take it, i'd hold onto it for dear life

TLDR - harry can be wish fulfillment for people who have people in their lives with substance abuse issues. HDB lives inside my heart and he's telling me to chug cough syrup but im ignoring him

#theres something poetic about my parents letting me use a nightstand with cocaine line cut marks on it #ignorance is not always bliss you know #this is part of the reason why i dont know that i will ever be able to go through with playing the dark routes through the game #like. ive already been there ive already played those parts of the game but years ago. i dont feel the need to go there again #i dont think i can cause him pain. it would be like purposefully sticking my hand in a blender #yeah yeah i know hes not real WHATEVER #its about the metaphor for my own life BARBARA #i am becoming somewhat more of a jean enjoyer #but his hurt is too close to my hurt #i can never love him as a character looking at him is too painful he reflects too much of my own anguish #god this post is a downer its all PAIN ANGUISH IM SUFFERING #i am warm and in bed and sleeby also :33333 #there are good things in the world <3 #harry du bois #long post #disco elysium

[sovonight]

guilty as charged

#im not gonna be able to explain why this happened organically in the span of 3 hours but au where gorion managed to #get baby radri shelter in evereska so she grew up there and met xan and went through a friends to lovers thing but his intense self doubt #led to him pushing her away so harshly that she didn't seek him out again except for later on the eve of his acceptance of the moonblade #bc there was a chance he wouldn't survive and she still cared about him deep down & couldn't just let it go without seeing him 1 more time #and xan had thought he'd completely burned that bridge with her and was relieved to see her and still loves her but she doesn't stay #and he never sees her during their shared time in evereska again #fast forward to decades later when radri's started on her journey and stumbles upon a certain captive in the nashkel mines #radri's so over it by now she frees & ignores him but xan's like WAIT let me offer you my services as a wizard!! and she's like 😒 #but there's room in the party and more spells would be useful so she takes him along. and thus begins xan's mission to protect her bc he #owes her that much and maybe he still desperately loves her and radri's mission to completely get over xan #so yeah i made uh *counts pages* 7 comic pages of script/doodles for the progression through these events #instead of spending that time drawing something that i could actually post OTL

[bmpmp3]

I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away

#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd #ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding. #i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way #when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee #but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo #and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards #not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony #my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like #marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there #i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my #parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL) #but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school #nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is #same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL #i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not. #i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds #but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice #i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring #that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases #and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason #you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident #im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like #i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS #i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3 #i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔

[bittwitchy]

see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd #but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well #just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well #which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out #which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore #its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi #see the other thing is #if i talk about my mental health at all #people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint #or feel sorry for me which i also dont want #all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all #like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff #i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly #im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares #i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to #and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one #they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored #im losing my mind steadily #and thats not even onto the physical problems #but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying #‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket #if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your #fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces #sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues #but then i talk to other women and it is #it just doesnt make sense and i hate it #but i never rly got help on private insurance either so #tbd #depression cw

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

#☉ #tbd #*rubs hands over face* #idk why I bother sometimes #before i left on my trip my mom made sure to remind me more than once to call my dad on his birthday #i put it in my phone calendar and everything #things kept coming up but i DID remember to call #he asks how my trip is going and i start answering #he interrupts me part way to talk about my cat #there's a pause #i try talking about something else #he interrupts #he asks me a question again and im able to answer it #except part way through my answer i can hear him talking to my mom whi just got home #i stop talking #he comes back says he's glad im enjoying my trip and to drive home safe and that he's got to go goodbye #the most complete part of the entire conversation was him bitching about his dinner out tonight #didn't even have a chance to tell him about the national park i went to or what i was up to this week or anything else #im so so tired of being talked over and ignored and interrupted #all #the fucking #time

[what-aboutno]

Thinking about c!Owen and how he never truly went back to how he was before the maze.... Yes he went back to killing demons and that same mindset but he wasn't the same.

Small bits of 'maze owen' would peak through at times, he still tried to save puddy in the end. I don't think he could ever go back to how he was before. He cares so much about the people in the clearing, even the demons no matter how much he wants to deny it

#Even before his death he's thinking about the people's he's killed not from the war but his previous friends #People he would have protected his life with and he's feeling regret? Or something else? #goddd this character man #i am shaking his him violently skdjd #outsiders smp #outsiders smp spoilers #something something being stuck with a group of people who all just want to surive #something something going through greif sorrow anger but joy and happiness in this cold maze together changes you #when you have no one but the people there to rely on and have your back and how you would do anything to protect them #turning your back on them would never be easy... #okay ignore me now im thinking too much about outsiders again skdjf #zara rambles

[lilgynt]

naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions

#personal #not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job #even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it #so good but watch out #the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad #or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his #eldest son and struggling for an answer for him #and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep #god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse #and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst #time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still #but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that #but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again #then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end #and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that #and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot #instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general #shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me. #so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt #we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something #christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it #i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central #i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down #i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna #and he’s didn’t respond* #be the same game during christmas #you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift #and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt #and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night! #other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

this is actually not hot girl shit- major ed and body image cw

i will neverr romanticize or encourage eds so i will not refer to my restrictive behaviors as "hot girl shit" as i do with all my other mental health things. bc in 2013 it was literally like. genuinely unironically saying that "hot girls don't eat" and ill never reinforce that narrative.

that said, i put on my jeans and they were a little big to wear w a crop top. so i put my belt on and my belt is wayyyy too big, even on the smallest loop I could fit at least a whole fist in the space between it and my waist

so I was like. huh that's weird. so i weighed myself for the first time in months. and i - this is not a flex. but i have not seen a number that low since freshman year when the eating disorder SPECIALIST turned me away bc my case was too severe

#shut up hanna #ed cw #body image cw #like. jesus #maybe we can say part of it is bc i havent been dancing so ive lost muscle. thats probably true #but it. i mean JESUS #thats what i said out loud when i saw the number #and i hate to say it. but. beneath my shock and panic of knowing im really getting sick again. i felt good #its. idk what im feeling. i dont wanna say im proud of myself #bc i. like. ive never been more fucking miserable #but like.......it.............at least I have something #i may not have anyone. i may not have anything but my cat. but #now i have this #again #the thing that makes it challenging is that I developed it sooooo fucking young that like #i grew up w it. it was with me through my developmental years. i dont remember NOT having it #and even when im doing okay or even GREAT. its still there. breathing over my shoulder. but i could brush it off or ignore it #the SECOND you start slipping. the MOMENT youre weak. thats when it comes back. #and all of a sudden youre terrified to eat again and all of your food is going bad and your stomach hurts and u feel like shit #but u Cannot. get urself to eat Anything. besides ur safe foods maybe once a day. which is still less than half the calories u should have #and i dont remember how to live without it i dont remember how to be normal #so. maybe its a good thing all my fucking friends went to a restaurant without me. i probably would have panicked anyway 🤪 #nah but that's part of it too yk knowing that they dont want me around. it makes it so even more #it feels like this is all i can do to cope #and i wont put my specific behaviors or safe/fear foods on here either #but its. frustrating i dont have a place to fully talk abt all of it #(im back in therapy but i only had the intake appt and its over the phone)