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sovonight · 3 hours
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sovonight · 20 hours
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thinking abt post tob
sometime after tob radri follows xan's suggestion to stay at an elven settlement for a while. xan's like great now you can reconnect with our culture and form friendships etc, and radri's like wait aren't you coming with me to socialize, and xan's like no i have this magic theory book i was going to--(radri drags him out with her)
of course, even here people have heard of the one bhaalspawn who triumphed in the pursuit (or rejection) of bhaal's throne, so radri is soon recognized. she expects xan to be recognized soon after but people just ask about the moonblade wielder (who was also rumored to be her lover). radri's about to point out that he's right here, but xan interrupts like "he died. tragically"
radri gives him a look like "what are you doing" but quickly recognizes that it's not like they want to get into the whole abandoned duty/vision from corellon thing and is like "he did," and she unintentionally gets teary-eyed and emotional just thinking about if xan really had died all those times his life was in danger, "it was the worst day of my life"
anyway the next day the story going around is that the moonblade wielder was radri's true love and she had to be pulled away from his lifeless body and wept over his death for 3 nights and 3 days. xan is the rebound
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sovonight · 4 days
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mini pines in rainbow acrylic! available as individual charms, but if you buy multiple you can leave a note for them to be linked together in whatever order you like! (you'll also receive a 15% discount, automatically applied in cart!)
oh, and love letter ford is back in stock!
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sovonight · 5 days
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pen sketches
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sovonight · 9 days
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ran off to join the dalish
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sovonight · 11 days
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ebon hawk charms are back! also, the starship souvenirs sticker sheets and kotor mystery packs :)
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sovonight · 13 days
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one more
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adding color
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sovonight · 13 days
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adding color
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sovonight · 16 days
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finally drawing something for this
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sovonight · 19 days
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any restocks coming soon?
i'll be restocking ddamd ford, and the mini pines set as charms! it's too soon to say when they'll be up for sale though
i also have an ebon hawk charm restock that'll go up any day now, i just have to organize some new mystery packs to list alongside them :)
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sovonight · 20 days
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dream / nightmare
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sovonight · 21 days
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for a moment, carefree
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sovonight · 22 days
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color selection is over \o/ now it's just tedium and refinement until the finish line
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sovonight · 30 days
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(almost) finished colors
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rough colors
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sovonight · 30 days
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xadri dialogue scraps
Radri: I don't think that'll happen. I'll have a choice—and if I'm not given one, I'll make it. I have a stronger will than this taint on my soul, remember? How many times now have I fought it, and won?
Xan: But it only takes one defeat for…
Xan: sigh No, I will not say it. At worst, I will have sown doubt into your mind, when doubt could be fatal.
Xan, quiet, tentatively, honest: I know it may not always show… but I believe in you, Estel'amin. If there is a way, you will find it.
Radri gives him a soft smile, and finds his hand, grasping it.
Radri: I know.
Xan, quiet: It only takes one defeat.
Radri, coaxing: Can't you believe in me for a moment?
Xan: I do. I always do… but my belief counts for very little.
———
Radri: I can't even really picture it. Slowing down… Being able to stay in one place again… (thinking of the Underdark) Being able to choose it.
Xan: Where would you choose?
Radri: Well…
Radri: …It can't be Baldur's Gate.
Xan: Why not?
Radri: They know about me there.
Xan: …Radri, if that is the metric, the entire Sword Coast knows about you. Therefore, nowhere within a reasonable traveling distance is acceptable. Besides… I may have already purchased a property in the city.
Radri: …
Radri: What?!
Xan, sheepish: You heard me well enough, I think.
Radri: A—A property. As in—a house?
(Xan just nods, and Radri gawks at him)
Xan: I saw it on the way out of the city, and seeing as I was already carrying a large amount of coin that would be dangerous to travel with on the road, I made the purchase. For the price I paid, I suspect there may be something sinister about it—perhaps some ancient evil hiding within the basement—but knowing you, you would find that challenge a feature. (He glances at her) Of course, if you do not like it, we can sell it.
Radri: I… I…
(Lost for words, she just stares at him, then,)
Radri: I can never hear you complain about my rushing into battle again. You just bought a house on impulse? Did you spend your entire share of the reward on it?
Xan, kind of miffed/insulted: No, thankfully. I still needed funds to travel. But if you'll remember, I was robbed upon my arrival in Athkatla, so it was ultimately for the best.
Radri: No, I'm not criticizing, just shocked!
Radri: I haven't thought about returning to Baldur's Gate. I… I don't know what they would think of me. I wish I could step into the city anew—neither hero nor Bhaalspawn. Maybe a disguise, could…
Xan: sigh If you go down that path, you will wind up sneaking everywhere—and what kind of respite will the city make then? Let them think what they will, and watch them soon forget you. Human cities have such short memories; it is one of their few benefits.
Xan: Of course, should anyone still think so poorly of you that they dare attempt to hurt you, they will soon be met with a spell to the face.
(Radri glances up at him with a surprised little smile)
Radri: Oh? They would?
Xan, rolling his eyes, secretly glad she perked up: How did I know that a threat of violence would cheer you?
Radri: Only because it's so rare for you, and I know you only say it for my benefit. (She kisses his cheek) …Thank you, Tahlimil.
Radri: I just don't think I'll ever be able to forget what they thought of me. I'd rather have not left an impression at all—hero or Bhaalspawn.
Xan: You sound as if you would rather be a ghost, passing through unseen.
Xan: But you are alive, Estel'amin. You cannot help but write yourself into memory wherever you go. Will you propose next that we always travel, lest you build any history, anywhere, at all?
Xan: Let them think what they will of you—and let them forget you. Human cities have such short memories, after all. It is one of their few benefits.
Radri, thinking that over: …I suppose so.
———
Xan: Now… now, I must confess, I dream of our future.
Radri: What do you imagine?
Xan: Well, I have not thought on it long, but…
Xan: Perhaps the evening finds us in separate rooms—I, in the library, and you, in the study, not to be disturbed—and I pester you with spectral touches until you storm down to meet me, only to melt in my arms.
Radri, amused: Why do both of our plans involve kissing it better?
Xan: Because it is a chance to exercise the influence we have on each other—to be one of the few that can soothe the other's annoyance so swiftly through a gesture of love?
Xan: But that is only one version of events—in the other, you react to my teasing with delight, and descend the steps silently to return my attention in kind.
Xan: What do you think? Are you displeased with me, or delighted?
Radri: I think I would have to experience your means of summoning me, first.
———
Xan: Do I detect a hint of irritation in your voice? Are you displeased with me, beloved? If so, you must say it, for our bond has informed me only of your sense of anticipation.
(Her heartbeat is rising, and he's not wrong, but he knows very well every facet of what she's feeling—he just wants to hear her say it.)
Radri, relenting: …Perhaps I am.
Xan: "Am"…?
(He's prompting, teasing, trying to get her to say it. She huffs.)
Radri: …Irritated. …With you.
(It's short lived, and even as she says it, it's already given way to her wondering what he has in store. Through the bond, a brief glow of satisfaction comes through from him; outwardly, Xan sighs.)
Xan: I see. What shall I do? Shall I remove myself from your presence? Shall I kneel and ask for your mercy?
Xan: Or would you permit me to earn back your favor, which I have so foolishly lost?
(Xan meets her eyes very seriously)
Xan: I cannot live knowing that you hold even an ounce of irritation towards me. I swear to you, whatever I may have done to lose your favor, I will stop at nothing to earn it back.
Radri, fighting a smile: You are so ridiculous.
Xan: Is this the source of your ire? Shall I be more solemn and contemplative?
———
(Xan holds her closer, and kisses her hair; Radri only seems to melt further against him.)
Xan, softly: Am I forgiven already?
Radri, murmuring: You always were.
Xan: Then shall I cast dimension door, and take us into our bedroom?
Radri: …Our bed is right there.
Xan, kissing her: In our dream, Estel'amin.
(Radri's smile grows, and she laughs against him)
Radri: What a waste of a dimension door.
Xan: I beg to differ; in times of peace and quiet, this is the exact use of dimension door. For lazy convenience.
(Radri draws back at last, looking up into Xan's eyes with a dreamy grin)
Radri: Whisk us away, then, enchanter.
———
(Radri, waiting, holds her arms out to him)
Radri: Hurry here.
(She's aware she's being more demanding than usual, but she misses his warmth, and Xan is willing to comply. Still, he takes the time to bow by the bed)
Xan, dryly, jokingly: Yes, my goddess.
(Radri makes a face, and Xan can't help an amused raise of his brow)
Xan: I suppose a reimagining of us as goddess and chosen is off the table?
Radri: As if you even want it to stay on.
Xan: Or perhaps I could be your high priest, or your willing sacrifice…
(Radri's distressed frown deepens)
Radri: Just come here, please. As you are.
Xan, smiling: Yes, Estel'amin.
(He joins her, and props himself over her reclined form to lean down and kiss her on the forehead; she reaches up and pulls him down to her, and he folds easily, his legs tangling into hers, his weight on her a comforting one. He shifts to the side, so that his weight will move off her chest, and though she lets him, her arms don't leave his shoulders, and she hooks one of her legs around his.)
Xan: It's as though I've been captured in an entangle spell.
(Radri peeks up at him, miffed, and Xan hugs her back and kisses her hair)
Xan: A rather beautiful and charming one, of course.
Radri, murmuring: You're beautiful and charming.
Xan: It echoes compliments, too? Has spellcraft gone too far?
(Radri breaks into a small smile, hiding it even though she knows Xan can already feel the glow of her contentment.)
———
Radri: I love you, Tahlimil. I will never leave you, or resent you, or tire of you… (She kisses him between words)
Xan: Tire of me? Now there is another one to worry about.
Radri, smiling against him: You know I would be apart from you for all of three days before I began missing you again.
Xan: Three days?
Radri: Hmm, two, then. (She kisses him again on the cheek)
Xan: If you continue counting down, you will soon imply that you would miss me even when I'm by your side, and that would mean something is gravely wrong, indeed.
Radri, laughing: Perhaps you should stop me from counting down, then.
———
Xan: I am grateful to have you, Estel'amin.
(Her face warms, glad for his closeness)
Radri, quietly: …I'm grateful to have you, too. I don't know where I would be without you.
Xan, light amused huff: The same place you are now, I'm sure.
Radri: …No. I wouldn't be right here, with you in my arms… I wouldn't have your name on my tongue, or your heart within mine…
Radri: I would be deprived of you. And I wouldn't even know what a tragedy that was.
Xan, touched, hiding it: And to think, I assumed that I was the one with a penchant for dramatics between us. You speak as if I am as essential as the air within your lungs.
Radri: You are.
(He kisses her fondly on the cheek)
Xan: You are far too sweet, Estel'amin.
Radri: …You don't believe me.
Xan: I do. I believe your love…
Xan: But a thousand other men could have stood in my place. Devoted themselves to you as I have. Thrown themselves at your mercy, for the merest brush with your affection. They would have served you just as well.
Radri: Please don't say that anyone else could replace you. You know they couldn't.
Xan, sighing: Radri…
(He trails off at the sincere look in her eyes)
Radri: You're the only one it could've been.
(She leans in to kiss him; he accepts, eyes falling closed, letting her take the lead for once.)
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sovonight · 1 month
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promise
—✧✧✧—
"It is true, then, that this Bhaalspawn is an elf? How unfortunate. Then again, it was inevitable that Bhaal would mar our people; it is a small mercy, at least, that she was not raised among us."
"…And why is that?" Xan asks.
"Her violent nature. It inhibits her ability to live peacefully in our society." An eyebrow rises—in response to the expression on his face, Xan realizes. He composes his features, glancing neutrally down at the report in his hands. His writing is neat, thorough… and carefully objective.
"She has no more violent a nature than most adventurers, simply trying to make their way in this world," Xan says.
"Is that so? What led you to this evaluation of her?" A wave of a hand. "Point not to her good intentions; they matter little when her actions lead only to bloodshed."
"I can only ask to be believed as one of her earliest and most constant companions," Xan says. "She finds no joy in the path she has been set on, and is as much at the mercy of the coming chaos as we."
"…I see." The words contain a sense of surprise—he was not expected to speak of her this way. "Well, it matters not in the end. She should not be a concern for long. No doubt another of her kin will dispose of her, as she disposed of Sarevok—and so it will go on until this period of chaos, too, is swept behind us."
Dispose of her? Xan's grip on his report weakens; the papers shift, threatening to fall.
"Ah, hold a moment." A shuffling of papers on the desk. "I nearly forgot—there is another assignment for you. You will be traveling to Athkatla. We believe that—"
"I refuse to go." Barely aware that his lips have moved, it takes Xan a moment to realize that the words were his—and that he is now being stared at.
"Ahem—well, let me first describe it to you in full. I know you may not think yourself qualified, but I assure you, you are—"
"I resign."
"You seem to contemplate your moonblade more often these days," Radri says.
Xan looks abruptly up from the exposed flames of the moonblade, and sheathes it quickly before she can see much of it. Letting the door to their room close behind her, Radri joins him by the window, noting upon her approach the way that he casts his gaze upon the windowpanes—quiet, and subdued. This alone is not unlike him, but his grip on the moonblade's hilt is tight, and as she'd said, she's noticed him watching its flames frequently ever since their reunion.
"Is something… wrong?" Radri asks.
Xan pauses, a breath held, before sighing and meeting her eye.
"I can hide nothing from you, can I?" Xan says.
Xan turns away from the window, the sunlight upon him shifting away from his profile and falling into bright lines upon his shoulders, instead. His hand is still on the moonblade's hilt, his thumb beside the gem on its pommel. Radri recalls that despite the lack of light in Mulahey's lair, the moonblade's gems had displayed brilliant flashes of color when she opened the chest it had been held captive in… but now, they appear dull and ordinary.
"I was going to wait until I was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt, but I think I am only deluding myself to hope otherwise now," Xan says. "My moonblade's flames have dimmed."
What?
"It—it isn't dying, is it?" Radri asks, despite feeling that her guess is unlikely; she fears that any other explanation would mean worse.
Xan casts his gaze down towards the dusty floor between them, pausing to consider his next words.
"As I think I mentioned once, this blade will outlive you and I for a long time yet," Xan begins. "No, it is something else. I thought at first that it was scolding me for failing to protect you from Irenicus… but those were my own feelings. Unfortunately, I suspect it is displeased with my departure from Evereska and the Greycloaks."
"Why?" Radri asks. "You haven't abandoned your duties. Like with the child, in the Temple District—you didn't need to be a Greycloak to help her."
"The moonblade's judgment is not a system of points and tallies, Estel'amin," Xan says. "If I commit senseless murder one day, but then save a life the next, do you think my moonblade would consider my transgression forgiven?"
"You know what I mean," Radri says. "You're still Xan, after everything. Your heart hasn't changed."
His gaze rises to meet hers with a solemn look.
"Hasn't it?" Xan asks.
His eyes are patient, waiting for her at his guidance's conclusion—and when she finds it, her brows flinch upwards in hurt.
"Me? But I…" Radri says, her gaze flicking down to the moonblade before returning to his eyes, "It only sees me as a Bhaalspawn?"
"I cannot say for certain how it sees you," Xan says, "But it understands what I am willing to do for you."
"What… What you're willing to…" Radri says, feeling faint, imagining what he would possibly need to do to draw the moonblade's ire, "No, you wouldn't do anything like that."
"How can we know? It is said that a man does not know his true limits until he is pushed to the brink of desperation," Xan says, and sighs. "Besides, I cannot be sure that the journey ahead will afford me the luxury of choice. Who can say what your fate will drive us to? Will there always be a better option? If presented with two evils, my death is certain, no matter which I choose."
"But—wouldn't the moonblade recognize that you're in a difficult situation, and be merciful?" Radri asks.
"I do not think it possible," Xan says. "Because as long as I am with you, there is a third choice: abandoning you. As I refuse to do so, I can only bear the consequences."
Consequences. Death. She knew the moonblade could kill him, but had never considered it a possibility—despite all his self-deprecating comments, Xan has always struck her as a steadfast and competent wielder. To think that she might be what changes that….
"Despite everything, we are, in a way, fortunate," Xan says, his voice filtering back into her awareness. "We have the courtesy of a gentle warning. It could have given no indication until the day it killed me, instead."
His tone is light—for him—and while his words are spoken almost sarcastically, she gets the sense that he's trying to reassure her.
"Is there nothing I can do?" Radri asks, feeling even as the words leave her that she already knows what his answer will be. Xan's resigned nonchalance fades, leaving only sadness in its place.
"There is nothing for you to do. It is my choice."
She should nod, she thinks; she should accept this as solemnly as he has, and exit without worrying him. But an unmistakable feeling of dread has already begun to burrow into her chest, and though she can duck her head, she cannot raise it. Cut off in her field of vision, Xan moves towards her, his hand reaching out.
"Radri…"
"No," Radri says, a distant part of her hating her failure to bite back her words, "No, it's fine. Khalid is dead, Imoen is gone, Jaheira is cursed, and now you are too."
With a forced, bitter smile, she turns on her heel and escapes the room before she can cry in front of him.
"You are still awake," Xan says, surprise apparent on his face. The small flame in his hand flickers as he slips into their room, night having long fallen outside.
"Just thinking," Radri says, though to tell the truth, her past few hours have been spent staring quietly out of the window with her journal untouched by her side. Pushing herself off the bed, she snags the candle from the side table, and meets Xan where he stands by the door; he lets the flame in his hand die, lighting the candle, instead.
"And you? What keeps you up so late?" Radri asks, recalling the echoes of another night. "No visions, I hope?"
"If only I could say that none remain, save for the one that stands before me," Xan says. "But, no. None that I have not come to expect."
"Deep in study, then?" Radri asks, stepping away to return the candle to the side table.
"One could say that," Xan says, and sighs. "I have been studying the moonblade again."
Radri stills. After she had run out of their last conversation, Xan had not brought it up again—and she, both ashamed of her response and preoccupied with worry for Jaheira's more immediate curse, had not either. In the end, Jaheira's curse had been resolved in a matter of days, but she doubts that Xan is here now to tell her the cure to his.
"…Has it gotten worse?" Radri asks.
"At this point, you would be able to see "worse" without my telling you. No, I have other news," Xan says. "If my moonblade were to attempt to strike me down, there is perhaps a way that I could survive it. I have discovered a way to divert part of the damage, so that it is shared between myself and another."
She blinks.
"You… You can survive it?" Radri asks.
"I may have a chance to," Xan corrects her, but it hardly tempers her response: in an instant, she has him in a tight hug.
"Xan," Radri breathes with relief, "Just tell me what needs to be done, and I'll do it. I have more health, too, I can take more of the damage—"
"Estel'amin," Xan says, his hand cupping her cheek and lifting her gaze to his, "When did I say that you would need to be the one to bear it with me?"
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"Why wouldn't I be?" Radri says. Xan sighs.
"And to think, I agonized over this to such a late hour," Xan says. "Yes, in the end, you are the only one I can ask. To divert the damage, a connection must be established with the moonblade—not a true connection, only a fraction of one, guided by my hand. Normally, even this would be impossible, as the moonblade will accept ties to none but its wielder… but we are bonded, our spirits intertwined in the Weave. It will know nothing."
Xan separates himself from her gently, taking her hands into his, and looks seriously into her eyes.
"However, I cannot guarantee that this will work as I have planned," Xan says. "Even if we are successful today, there is a chance that the moonblade's wrath will be too great for us to bear, and you may very well end up dying alongside me. If you are at all hesitant, we will leave this here, and it will be as if I never spoke."
"I'm certain, Tahlimil. I want this," Radri says.
But at the sound of his name, a strum of uncertainty travels across their bond—when, usually, the emotion that her use of his name elicits from him is affection. Uncertain herself if she had felt that correctly, Radri searches the depths of his eyes—but she finds the same uncertainty there, as well.
"…Are you hesitant?" Radri asks.
Xan's eyes widen, caught—and as his gaze falls from hers, she notices what she had not recognized to be courage in his shoulders, as well.
"How can I not be?" Xan confesses. "The moonblade's consequences should be mine to bear, and mine alone. This is one burden I am not meant to share."
"...Then you don't think this is the right thing to do," Radri says, feeling the beginnings of a dull resignation grow in her heart. But rather than agree with her, the corners of Xan's lips rise in a faint, self-amused smile.
"No, I do. I feel I must have gone mad to think so, but despite everything, I do. It is only that, from this moment forward, all I can do is hope against hope that my choice is understood," Xan says, then his smile fades. "I seem to have found myself experiencing many of these moments, in these past months…."
His last sentence is spoken less to her, and more to himself—and he looks tired again, worn, like he did on the day of their reunion. The urgency of before forgotten, Radri reaches up to brush the shadow of his hair aside from his eyes, and trails the caress to hold the side of his face gently in her palm.
"Sounds exhausting," Radri says, softly. "Will you tell me?"
Xan's gaze rises to meet hers, and free from shadow, a trace of candlelight flickers in his dark eyes.
"Stories for another time," Xan says—and yet, his gaze is tender, and a weight seems to have been lifted, as if another piece of resolve has found its place. He draws her touch to his lips, and kisses her hand briefly, before releasing it back to her.
Unfastening the moonblade from his belt, Xan holds it between them, its grip held loosely in one hand, and its sheath in the other.
"This is your last chance to change your mind," Xan says.
Radri's gaze runs across the moonblade; its brilliant flames are hidden at present, and she has never stared very long into that fire when she had the chance, but she has an imprint of them on her mind's eye—perhaps from Xan's memory.
Radri meets his eye, committed, and Xan inclines his head.
"Then lay your hand over mine," Xan guides. "I will begin."
The pillow at the back of her head is firmer than usual. Scrunching her closed eyes further, Radri shifts, trying to ease the stiffness in her neck. She had had the strangest vision: a storm had visited her, and pain had followed, painted in vivid flames…
"Radri?" The word is hushed, relieved—and opening her eyes, Radri finds Xan looking worriedly down at her.
The pillow is him, she thinks, and then, Why am I…?
"You fell unconscious as I finished the spell," Xan explains, upon seeing the slight disorientation in her eyes. "I was barely able to catch you."
The spell—the moonblade. Radri sits up, her eyes finding the moonblade, which lays beside them. She doesn't know what she should expect. The moonblade doesn't look any different, and besides a faint headache that has already subsided, she doesn't feel any different, either.
"Did it work?" Radri asks.
"I believe so, though I hope we will not have to put it to the test," Xan says. "But that is not my concern at the moment. You cried out in pain…"
Xan takes her face into his hands, looking over her with worry—but all she feels now is relief, and she leans affectionately into his touch.
"I'm alright, Xan," Radri says. "In fact, I feel much better."
"Better?" Xan echoes. "You do remember what you have just agreed to?"
"Of course," Radri says, an effortless smile blooming on her face. "You're safe."
"…Safe-er," Xan concedes, though his expression carries all the words he's holding back. She's only secured him a chance; as long as he's tied to the moonblade, he's still doomed.
But at least we're doomed together, Radri thinks. She nestles in against him, floating on the feeling of having been able to do something to help, after all the helplessness of these past few weeks.
"We're really in this together now," Radri murmurs to herself, and sighs. "Almost like we're married."
Her head rests against his shoulder, but instead of accepting her into his embrace as usual, Xan stills, his surprise flitting across their bond.
"Married?"
"Ah—Wait, I meant—" Radri rushes, ready to take back her words, but Xan relaxes, drawing her close and kissing her hair.
"I suppose it is," Xan says. "Right now, your safety is all that matters, but perhaps once Irenicus is taken care of, we will be able to hold the ceremony. During those days we spent on the road, before everything, I imagined it would be a grand event, held in Evereska…"
Xan speaks wistfully, his head leant against hers—but Radri pulls herself away.
"You still want to marry me?" Radri asks, looking at him in disbelief.
"Yes?" Xan says, puzzled by her question—then his expression falls. "Do you… no longer wish to?"
"No," Radri starts, before rushing to clarify, "No, I mean, I do wish to! But, I thought… You know, given…"
"That you cannot enter Evereska? That was just a remnant of a dream; we can be wed anywhere you wish," Xan says.
"No, it's—"
"The size of the ceremony?" Xan asks. "If you desire it, it can simply be the two of us, although I assumed that at the least you would want Imoen present—"
"A Bhaalspawn," Radri forces out before she drowns in his consideration, "How could a Bhaalspawn associate herself with your House?"
She can't face him, but their bond communicates the conflicted emotion she hides on her face to him regardless. The sequence of his response follows: a shard of surprise, then a fierce protectiveness, which becomes a familiar warmth.
"Why should that matter?" Xan says. "My House will soon fall out of memory outside of Evermeet; my siblings have already left in the Retreat."
His touch finds her shoulder, but she does not relax.
"So I will never meet them?" Radri asks. "So you will never see them, ever again? Suppose we survive this, and live long—how will you explain me to them?"
"My life is my own. I will not have them judge me for it," Xan says; though subtle, there is an edge in those words. "Besides… I am not as close with my siblings as you are with Imoen."
"Your other ties, then," Radri says. "You do not think much of them, but you have them—many more than I."
"My other ties are of even less consequence," Xan says, growing serious and concerned now. "Radri… you know I care little for what others think. What is this really about?"
This is about him. This is about how, since the moment she read Gorion's letter, her life has well and truly torn apart at the seams—and how, since their reconciliation in the catacombs, she has not yet seen Xan hesitate to tear his apart to match her. She cannot regret her newly formed connection with the moonblade—not when it can save him, and allow him to stay with her—but she can add it to the cost of their love, and feel its weight press down upon her.
"I don't want you to do this for me," Radri says, her throat growing tight with emotion. "You shouldn't have to do this for me. I am the reviled Bhaalspawn—"
"And I am the moonblade wielder, and yet you now bear part of my burden with me," Xan says. "Would you deny me the same?"
"That's different," she says, "It's my fault to begin with."
"You may as well say that I am at fault, for choosing to follow you," Xan says, "Or Alaundo is at fault for writing his prophecies, or Bhaal is—well, perhaps we can all agree that Bhaal is at fault. Or is it the very nature of our world itself that is at fault?"
She doesn't respond, and in her silence, Xan wraps his arms around her in another embrace. His head rests beside hers, and his voice emerges low, and quiet.
"You wish to spare me, Estel'amin, but I am not content to be spared," Xan says. "Let me bear this with you."
His comfort is tempting, familiar. She had sheltered in it in Candlekeep's catacombs; in Baldur's Gate, when her heritage had become public knowledge; and in this same room, weeks ago, when Xan had found his way back to her and she had cried in his arms, Irenicus' pain still fresh in her mind. She wants to close her eyes and accept it again, but her thoughts run on: How long can this last?
One day, Xan will come to his senses, and he will regret having thrown everything away for her. What awaits her is either his death or his resentment...
...She should just let him go.
A pang shoots through Radri's heart at that thought, and echoes in Xan's. His compassion, his worry, rise in her chest—and enveloped in his warmth, she cannot bring herself to refuse him just yet.
"Okay," she whispers, at last.
"Will you promise it?" Xan asks. "Will you bind us together, as I did?"
There is a twinge of desperation in those words, as though he knows what she had just considered. A weak smile pulls the curve of her mouth upwards, for no one's benefit but her own.
"I'm not the one with the sentient sword," Radri says. "There's no need for binding. Besides, I don't have any spells."
"You do," Xan says. "Your kiss, for one. And I wish to be bound to you—so there is, in fact, a need."
Radri finds the strength to pull away from his embrace to look at him; Xan is determined, and completely serious. The line of her mouth breaks into a wobble.
"You are so…" She doesn't know whether she wants to laugh or cry; she releases a puff of a breath that could be the precursor to either, "Ridiculous."
The look on Xan's face softens, and in lieu of words he simply closes his eyes, presumably waiting for her binding kiss.
"Xan… really," Radri tries.
But as he waits, and she gazes upon him waiting, a small glimmer of hope emerges in her chest—not that her kiss can be any substitute for a spell, or that she has any ability to bind them together outside of their existing bond, but that she can believe him. Xan has weighed his sacrifices; he knows them better than she. And here, there are no monks, no Phlydia, no Keeper of Tomes, with a thousand words of warning and misplaced compassion that wind through her past to say but one thing: You are more trouble than you are worth.
"I promise to let you bear this with me," Radri says, at last. The words leave her more easily than she had thought—and miraculously, she feels lighter for them. A corner of Xan's lips rises.
"And…?"
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Feeling a bit silly, she nevertheless leans in and kisses him lightly on the forehead. When she pulls away, Xan's eyes are open once more, bearing the warmth of candlelight within them as he meets her gaze.
"Thank you, Estel'amin." His love and sincerity wash over her through the bond; she blushes.
"N-Now—shall we go to bed, at last? Or are we going to exchange promises until sunrise?" Radri asks, standing quickly to avoid acknowledging the heat in her face. She holds a hand out to Xan, who gazes up at her with a faint smile upon his lips.
"To bed," Xan confirms, and rises to join her; he kisses her warm cheek.
She sits at the side of the bed, and waits for Xan to retrieve the moonblade and lean it against the side table, as always. When his attention is hers again, he accepts her hand, and the candle is extinguished with a quiet command.
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sovonight · 1 month
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