#if anyone wants to order from my shop or send me something to get myself comfort food
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today we had to put down my sixteen-year-old dog and i am heartbroken even though she lived a happy, full life. i'm genuinely so deeply sad i keep crying and i miss her so much already. any healing energy is rly appreciated.🤍
#her spirit is free now#but i miss her so much#if anyone wants to order from my shop or send me something to get myself comfort food#i would rly appreciate it#😔😣🤍
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Of Lovers and Friends - Ushijima x Reader
thank you @screamin-abt-haikyuu talking to you is inspiring
If you find a typo, I wrote this instead of going to bed. Goodnight.
“Just a Tonic Water, please,” You order, well aware of all the eyes on you.
“Are you sick?” Kindaichi asks, already pressing a hand against your forehead.
“Pregnant?” Kunimi’s next, though less serious.
“As if, you can’t get pregnant from RPG,” Makki points out, licking foam off his lip.
“You would know,” you tell him, a little peeved, as you push Kindaichi away.
“I’m fine. I just have a date later.”
Yahabi whistles, clearly impressed. God, you need to amp up your game. This is just sad.
“Who is it?” Kyoutani asks, forever your best friend. Or at least the one guy who’s seemingly the least interested in teasing you.
“I don’t know, my Mom set us up. She went to school with his Mom or something like that. I just know that he plays Volleyball and is about my age.”
“Could be anyone,” Watari mumbles into his Aperol Spritz.
“Could be Ushijima,” Mattsun jokes, causing Makki to choke on his beer, spluttering as he bellows out a laugh.
“Can you imagine? That would be hilarious!”
“Har har har,” you thank the waitress for your drink and lean back in your chair, “Can we change the topic? Does Makki have a job yet?”
“Uncalled for!” Makki points an accusing finger at you. “And no. But a little birdy told me that Kyoutani’s got a fangirl.”
Kyoutani blushes, glaring into his drink. The girl must mean something to him if he’s trying to pull himself together like this. You swerve to look at Kindaichi who’s managed to spill his diet coke - again.
“What about you? Did you call that girl we met at the coffee shop?”
“No,” he ducks his head. “I didn’t. I was… I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself.”
“Yeah, well, you did,” Makki lets his eyes wander as usual, “Tell you what. There’s a nice girl with her friends two tables over. We’ll get you her number but you have to call. Or at least send her some funny memes, okay?”
“Okay,” Kindaichi’s looking at you. Makki’s looking at you.
You groan and get up. “Next time you get someone else to get that number, okay? This is the last time.”
“Love you too, pumpkin!” Makki calls after you as you make your way over. These patterns have turned familiar.
-
You should have gotten a beer, you think two hours later as you wait, your legs twitching with anxiety.
You’ve been painfully single for so long that you can’t help but feel you should have worn a dress or at least something more fancy than the jeans and top combo you’re sporting. But it’s comfy and it sets you at ease. And you’ve always been an advocate for being yourself on the first date. If they don’t like you like that, they won’t matter anyway.
So far that has brought you a lot of first dates and not a lot of second dates.
A deep voice calls out your name. You turn, your hands clutching the single purple carnation you had to bring - your mother’s idea.
You spot the flower first, a tiny purple thing held in massive hands. He’s tall, impressively so. You let your eyes wander up as he walks over, the flickering street light casting long shadows over his face until he’s reached you and the soft warm glow of the restaurant behind you.
Your heart skips a painful beat as he attempts a rather forced smile.
“Ushijima-kun,” you stutter, the confidence earned in twenty-something years shattered and replaced by the anxious brain of a teenager.
He offers you his hand, the one without the flower and you take it. His palm swallows yours, his grip warm and firm. If you can blend out the history your team has with his, that your friends have with him, you can give him a chance, right?
-
“Are you close with your mother?” He asks in the tense moment when the food’s already been ordered and the drinks aren’t served yet. It’s the worst possible question to ask, too, because no, you’re not close. Not since she went through with the divorce, unable to settle with a man ever since, as dissatisfied with them as she is with life, her business, you.
You don’t ramble often, but you do when you’re nervous.
If he’s taken aback by the flood of words, of trauma seemingly long overcome, he does not show. He’s like a rock, sitting steadfast in the crashing river of your emotions, unmoving, sturdy.
When you’re finished, throat a little dry, he nods slowly.
“My parents are divorced as well,” he says. You wonder if he’s told it often.
“How was it for you?” You ask and the surprise in his eyes tells you that he hasn’t been asked this before.
His tale is told more slowly. He hands out information bit by bit, always confirming that you’re still listening, still interested in what he has to say about this topic. You share a bottle of wine over his parent's divorce, the main dish just an accessory to the topic at hand.
When his words run dry and the last drop of wine is poured into your glass, your mind a little fuzzy and his lips tinted a little blue, you are full and empty at the same time. All the anxiety has left you over dinner.
Seijoh and your friends are far, far away but Ushijima - Wakatoshi, as he asks you to call him - is right there.
“Do you want to share dessert?” You ask and his eyes light up with a new emotion, one you haven’t seen before on him. It’s a little softer, makes him look a little younger, maybe.
“Do you like chocolate?” He asks, leaning forward a bit as if to share a secret.
“Who doesn’t?” You ask back and learn about his best friend.
-
“This was nice,” you say when he walks you to the train station, slowing his steps to be in tune with yours. The cold night air does wonders for your fuzzy brain but the chill is less pleasant. You shiver.
“Here.” A warm weight settles over your shoulders. His jacket drapes over your skin like it was made for this. It smells good, too.
It’s not the first time you wonder if there will be a second date. But it’s the first time you really, really hope there is.
The train station appears much too soon. You want to prolong this evening, stay longer in this emotion that you cannot name. But you’re a realist at heart and you slip his jacket off before you become too used to its warmth.
“Keep it,” his large hand stops your movement, easily takes hold of yours. “You can give it back the next time.”
“Next time?” You ask, unable to keep that hopeful tone out of your voice.
“I don’t have much free time,” Wakatoshi explains, “Could we meet again in a week? Same time, same place?”
You nod, much too eager to come off as nonchalant. It reminds you of Kindaichi, but you cannot bring yourself to care. You give him your number and feel your lips slip into a smile when he immediately texts you so that you have his as well.
Overhead your trains arrival is announced. You turn, still unwilling to part.
“Until Friday,” Wakatoshi says, one last wave. “Good night.”
- - -
You sleep well, better than you have in days.
It’s only when you wake up that you realize what this means.
You have a second date. The first in a long time.
But as excited as you are for it, dread still settles in your stomach. How on earth will you explain this to your friends?
The answer is, you don’t.
When you meet up for beers and games on wednesday, Makki consolingly pats your shoulder. He seems to think your date went awful and you do nothing to correct him. You only feel a little guilty. It’s his fault for not even asking.
The others seem to already have forgotten. The news of Kindaichi getting a first date is more exciting and you let yourself get dragged into it, give him fashion advice - that goes ignored - and laugh with the others when Yahaba tries to fix his hair.
It’s only Friday afternoon that your nerves make themselves known.
Surely there’s nothing wrong in dressing similar again. Wakatoshi didn’t seem to mind and neither should you.
But you want to, you desperately want to… look a little better. You want him to look at you, unable to catch his breath, unable to form words, at least for a few seconds. Is that too much to ask for?
But you don’t own any Make-up, courtesy of rebelling against everything that makes you think of your mother. So you do the next best thing and call Mattsun.
“I’m not late,” he answers, immediately defensive. Right, you’re still on for drinks before the date. You can’t think about that now.
“I don’t care. Get your girlfriend on the phone, I need help.”
“What? Why?”
“Girls-stuff, you wouldn’t understand.”
Miri agrees to join you for drinks. According to her she won’t need more than ten minutes in the bar bathroom to give you a little bit of an extra kick.
“You don’t want to look too different to what he’s seen the last time,” she reasons as you go over the few options of fancier clothes you have.
You're anxious the whole time, nurse one soda after the other. Even Kunimi notices.
“Second date?” Kyoutani asks. Makki’s eyes widen in surprise. You hate it.
“Maybe,” you grumble, getting up to pee once more.
“What? You didn’t tell us the first one went well.”
“You didn’t ask,” you tell him as you make your escape to the bathroom. But this is Makki. He doesn’t let go of a topic.
“What’s his name?” He asks as soon as you’re back. “What team does he play for?”
“Let me get through this date first,” you huff, trying to sound more relaxed than you are.
“He’s nice?” Kyoutani asks, able to put a threat and a question and a whole lot of worry in those few words.
“Yeah,” you say, a little flustered just by the thought of him. The boys go silent around you.
“Wow, you really like that guy,” Mattsun points out.
“Shut up,” you grumble and empty your glass, calling for another. You don’t want to talk about it.
“Anyway,” Miri points out and you’ll forever be thankful for that, for her switching topics when you need it most, “Mattsun and I have decided to move together. We’re still debating about which apartment to move into, though.”
“Are you for real?” Makki’s always the first to put in his two cents, “Miri’s apartment is way better.”
Miri laughs. “Thank you Makki, I knew I could count on you.”
-
“There, done.” Miri steps away. You look at yourself in the mirror, the knots in your stomach slowly loosening. You don’t look like a clown, not like your mother either.
“What did you do?” You ask, a little perplexed by how long your lashes suddenly are.
“Mascara and some eyeliner. A little lipgloss too, you can reapply it when you’re at the restaurant.”
“Thank you.”
“Anytime. If you want, we can go shopping for some of this stuff. You don’t need much and I can show you how to do the little things you might want to do sometimes.”
“Ah,” you look away, embarrassed, “Let me get through this date first.”
Miri smiles, understanding visible in her eyes.
“Go get him, tiger,” she tells you when you part ways.
- - -
Wakatoshi is already waiting for you.
Warmth pools in your stomach when he stills at your sight, his eyes warm as they wander over your face.
“You look beautiful,” he tells you and you have to look away, too flustered to face him for a second.
“Am I not beautiful all the time?” You joke, hoping against hope that he does not notice the way your voice breaks slightly.
“Of course,” Wakatoshi tells you immediately, not an ounce of insincerity in his voice. You have to swallow twice before you’re able to talk again.
“You’re very pretty too,” your voice is doing funny things. You offer your hand to shake, a little unsure of what greeting is correct. He takes your hand in his, not to shake it, but to hold it all the way to the table and you’re unable to look anyone in the eyes until you’re seated, your insides a fluttery mess.
-
“Can I see you again?” Wakatoshi asks when you reach the train station, his jacket a comforting weight on your shoulders, your hand resting in his.
You nod, unable to hide your eagerness.
You can’t blame the buzzing of your mind on alcohol this time. He’s calmly explained that he can’t drink often with his strict diet, has to choose between dessert or a glass of wine most of the time. It didn’t feel right to drink when he wasn’t allowed to.
Somehow your conversations feel deeper, more meaningful without the alcohol coating them. You know he means it when he asks and he knows you mean it when you nod.
Overhead, your train is announced. You don’t let go of his hand.
“I could do a little walk,” you say, “What do you say?”
You kiss his cheek when you eventually part. His skin is soft and warm underneath your lips. It follows you into your dreams.
-
On Wednesday you get a text just as you head out to meet the boys for beers and games.
“I’ve got out of practice earlier. Do you want to go for a walk?”
You go back inside, put on the lipgloss Miri had lent you as you text him your confirmation. You think about kissing him and wipe it off again, unsure of what you want. In the end you put it into your pocket just in case.
“Can’t come today, I have another date,” you text the group chat.
Makki’s the first to answer, per usual, but his use of emojis has your anxiety rising so you put your phone on silent. You’ll deal with this on Friday.
It’s not yet time for the Sakura blossoms, but the park is beautiful anyway.
Not that you can focus on much besides the feeling of your hand in his, the way his voice rumbles in his chest as he talks about practice and his plans to meet up with his old teammates.
You like this, the calmness of it all. You like him, with his serious expression and his direct way of asking. You like how he never fails to ask how your day has been, how he’s interested in all aspects of your work, even the little ones that no one seems to care about.
You like him, a lot. And if the way he looks at you is any indication, he likes you too.
It’s when you’re on your way back, the setting sun bringing forth a chill, that someone calls your name.
You turn, your hand still firmly in Wakatoshi’s grasp, only to spot Kyoutani. He’s frozen on a near path and you know with certainty that he’s recognized your date. Your heart beats painfully in your throat and you feel sick.
“Everything okay?” Wakatoshi asks at the same time the girl next to Kyoutani pulls her massive scarf down to look at you. She looks familiar, blond hair, brown eyes, petite figure. It’s only when she opens her mouth to ask Kyoutani what’s going on that you recongize her. She’d been Karasuno’s volleyball manager. Yachi something.
Kyoutani seems to realize that you’ve recognized her because his face turns dark. He shakes his head at Yachi, points into the distance and leads her away.
You’re still frozen next to Wakatoshi, realization washing over you like the cold floods of the Tamagawa.
“Is everything okay?” He asks again, cradling your face in his hands to make you look at him. You blink to clear your mind, wish you could just lean into his touch and disappear forever.
“You know what school I went to, right?”
“Aoba Johsai, yes. You were a manager for their volleyball team.”
“Yes,” He must have realized the truth already, still he asks you to say it out loud. “I’m still friends with the team, like you are with yours. They are not… They’re not fans of you.”
“I understand.” Wakatoshi nods. His hands slip away from your face, you miss them immediately.
You didn’t plan for it to go like this. He’s got an uncanny ability to make you open yourself up. Being vulnerable feels less scary when it’s him.
He takes your hand again, guides you around the park for another round as you tell him all there is to know about your poor attempts at dating. How it sucks to be “just one of the boys” sometimes. How it hurts that they don’t even ask anymore if you’ve got a second date. How scary it is to admit to them that you’re dating him.
You bite your tongue after those last words. You’ve been on two dates so far, this is your third. Is it too forward to call this “dating”? What if he’s not-
“I understand if you want to keep this a secret for longer,” he says. His voice is heavy in a way that tells you that there’s more to it.
Two things can be true at the same time. Understanding it won’t mean that he’ll appreciate it.
“I will… I will try and talk to them,” you promise. And you will. Even if you could keep this a secret, you won’t if it hurts him. And you can tell that it hurts.
-
You wish you could kiss him goodbye. But you can tell that he’s distanced himself, put up a wall to protect his heart.
“On Wednesday we usually meet up to drink beer and play games,” you explain, wringing your hands, “They should all be there right now. Well, except Kyoutani. I will... I will go and talk to them right now.”
He nods. Your voice breaks a little when you ask. “Are we still- Are we still on for Friday?”
“Of course,” his deep voice soothes your anxious heart a little. You take a step forward and hug him, stiff and awkward, before you move back.
“I really like you, Wakatoshi,” you say before you can take it back, swallow it down, hide it from the world.
“I like you too.”
- - -
Makki is already buzzed when he opens the door.
It’s probably not the best time to talk about things like this, but you want to get this over with. If you talk about it now, the dust will settle by Friday. Or so you hope.
There’s an iPad on the coffee table, Iwaizumi and Oikawa grinning back at you. You accept a beer, almost drop it with how jumpy you are, your legs unable to stay still.
“So, how was your date?” Makki asks, cutting off one of Oikawa’s rants.
“Good,” you say and take another sip of beer, “We met Kyoutani at the park.”
“Oh?” Mattsun looks up from his phone. “So you met the girl he fancies?”
“Maybe,” you shrug, unwilling to give up his secret. He’s got his one fears to face.
“What you mean, dear Mattsun,” Makki teases, “Is that Kyoutani met her boyfriend.”
Oikawa gasps dramatically. “No way?! You got a boyfriend? Who is it!”
“Ushijima,” you say, ripping the bandaid off in one swoop.
Makki cackles, spurned on by Oikawa’s apparent confusion.
“Good one,” Mattsun jokes as Iwaizumi snorts. The younger players don’t think the joke’s that funny. It’s Kunimi who bothers you the most, his perceptive eyes locked onto your face.
“Guys,” he cuts through the laughter, “She’s serious.”
And it would have turned out better, you suppose, without the beer. Because Oikawa gets more petulant when drunk and Makki’s jokes are a bit less funny and a lot more mean when he’s buzzed. The younger guys don’t really know how to mediate. That has always been your job, or Iwaizumi’s. But the distance does not work in your favor.
You leave half an hour after you’ve arrived, angry tears streaming down your face.
It’s always the people closest to you that hurt you the most. They know what parts of you are the most sensible, and which parts of you are still bruised, still in the process of healing.
You press your phone to your ear.
Wakatoshi picks up right away.
“I talked to them,” you press out. Your voice is doing funny things again and you swallow back another wave of tears, less motivated by anger and more by hurt.
“Do you want to come over?” He asks and you don’t hesitate to agree.
It hurts to fight, to possibly lose good friends over something as stupid as old rivalries, but Wakatoshi is good at soothing over it, with warm hands and the gentle rumble of his voice as he holds you close.
-
You don’t meet up with the boys on Friday. No one has bothered to invite you.
You watch Wakatoshi practice instead, laughing about Kageyama who pesters you about how to better his form - you’re a licensed sports therapist after all - and teasing Hoshiumi who fake gags every time you throw Wakatoshi a kiss.
You move your date to Wakatoshi’s apartment, cook dinner together - it turns out pretty decent - and talk through the night. When you wake up in his arms on Saturday morning you know that you want this to go on, that you want this to be a relationship that lives instead of dies, one that strengthens over time.
- - -
You’re a little surprised to find Mattsun and Makki at your work.
It’s Wednesday and they should be working too, well, at least Mattsun should.
“Iwaizumi called us every day,” Mattsun admits eventually, “Apparently we’ve been dicks.”
“Yeah,” you tell him bluntly, noticing that Makki’s still stubbornly staring out of the window. “You were.”
“Oikawa’s still pissed,” Mattsun admits next, taking a seat in front of your desk. “But he’ll get around. Kunimi pointed out that it was a blind date. You didn’t actively pick him.”
“Even if-” You start but Mattsun just shakes his head. “It’s Oikawa. Logic does not pull.”
“I’m only apologizing-” Makki interrupts, huffs, and continues, “I’ll only apologize if you do too.” He glares at you. Mattsun’s looking too, though his eyes are softer.
Finally, you nod and get up, offering your hand for Makki to shake.
“I’m sorry I made fun of you. It’s not your fault that you got fired.”
He huffs again. You know that sound. He sounds like that when he’s trying not to cry. And you suppose you can’t fault him for that. Friends just know where it hurts the most.
But he shakes your hand, his grip a bit firmer than it needs to be.
“I’m sorry that I called you an ugly bitch that has no game.”
Suddenly you can’t help but laugh. It flows freely, from deep within, has you bending over the desk as you cackle. They laugh along, softly first before it breaks out of them too.
“All good?” Makki asks when you eventually calm down.
“All good,” you agree, looking over at Mattsun. He shrugs. “Don’t look at me, I’ve always been good.”
“Sure,” you joke, “But just so you know, I’ll bring Wakatoshi along tonight.”
Makki rolls his eyes. “Whatever. I’ll smoke him at Mario Kart.”
As it turns out, however, Wakatoshi smokes him.
Who knew he had it in him?
.
-.- Warsaw -.-
The front door closes with a soft click, alerting you.
“Shh!” You hiss at the boys before turning toward the door of the living room.
“Hey honey, welcome home!”
“Hi,” Wakatoshi steps inside, spots the beer and your laptop screen and waves. “Beers and Games?”
“Yeah, but it’s not that important.” You get up to kiss him, ignoring Makki who’s trying to make a point of his importance. “You wanna go out to eat?”
“Can we stay in?” He asks, “There’s this new movie that Satori recommended.”
“Yeah, sure,” you nod. “Go shower. I’ll make some food.”
He smiles and leans in for another kiss, waving at the camera before he leaves for the bathroom.
“So he doesn’t know, huh?” Mattsun asks as you pick up your laptop and carry it to the kitchen.
“No, I want to tell him tonight. Thanks for not spoiling it guys.”
“Anytime,” Kindaichi pipes in. You bet he’s got no clue what you’re talking about. “What are you making?”
“Golabki,” you answer, “Cabbage roles. I’ve been obsessed with these lately.”
You catch up while you cook, eager to hear more about Kindaichi’s budding relationship or Makki’s latest work adventure. Even Kyoutani contributes a lot today, proudly talking about how Yachi has won a prize for one of her designs.
At some point Wakatoshi appears, leaning into you as you work. He likes to be in the way when you facetime the team, thinks it’s funny that Makki has named him “the Log” or that he’s always blocking the drawer you need to get to the most.
“Move,” you tell him, pulling at his thighs. Behind him’s the cutlery you need to set the table.
“There’s a price for that,” he tells you quietly. You roll your eyes and move to kiss him. He shuffles slightly to the side, now blocking the cabinet that hides the plates.
-
It’s only after dinner, your laptop put away, the dishes done, that you find yourself back on the Couch, cuddled into him.
“Wakatoshi,” you address him, your hands shoved under his shirt. His eyes have closed but he’s still awake, you can tell by his breathing.
“Hmm?”
“Remember how we were talking about what we wanted to do on your next break?”
“Yes?” He opens one eye to squint at you. “Do you still want to go back to Japan?”
“I wouldn’t mind it,” you confess, “But we talked it through. It’s not feasible and I’ve got a better idea.”
That has him opening both his eyes. He can sense that something’s coming and you nestle further into him.
You like to surprise him, for sure. You love how quiet he gets when you do something special for him, almost unsure if he deserves it. If this is really just for him. But that doesn’t mean you don’t get flustered by your feelings for him once in a while.
“I got us tickets to Paris,” you tell him quietly. “Tendō already knows.”
When he pulls you close he doesn’t have to say anything. You already know.
He misses his best friend just as much as you miss yours.
#my writing#Ushijima x reader#ushijima wakatoshi#Ushijima fluff#angst to fluff#Haikyuu fluff#Haikxuu x reader#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x you#haikyuu drabbles#hq x reader#seijoh#Seijoh Four#aoba johsai
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Christmas Through The Years - Part One
The Start
‘Jake “Hangman” Seresin x female!reader’
Huge thanks to @fandomxpreferences for taking the time to read this over before I posted it!! <3
Approx. 1.6k words
Warnings: none, it’s all fluff. I’m a hopeless romantic I couldn’t help it !!
—
Meeting Jake Seresin came so unexpectedly but it’s not something I’d change for the world. When we met it was at the Hard Deck, I had been dragged out by some friends for a girl’ night. As we got to the bar, I told the group I’d get the first round despite the reluctance to actually go out. Regardless it was why I found myself at the bar waiting to put my order through for drinks. He came over to get a refill and right as our eyes met, there was just an instant connection that neither of us could really explain, we just knew we wanted to see where it could take us. Him being his usual flirty self, turned his body and after we got past the flirty introductions and pick up lines from Jake, we kept the conversation going. We didn't even realize that we both had our drinks, and exchanged numbers. By the end of the night I had two 2 messages from an unknown number
“Hey. It’s Jake”
“Send me your address, Im taking you on a date tomorrow. Dress comfy!”
Fast forward a couple of weeks, now into December and it was going great with Jake. We went on a couple more dates, got to know each other better, and had a couple lazy days together when our schedules were in sync. Overall, everything was going in the right direction.
To anyone else it would look as if we were a committed couple and even to us it felt that way. However we still hadn't had the talk of ‘what we were’ and so doubts about whether this was real lingered in the back of my mind. Last Friday I found myself sitting at home, ordering some last minute gifts for my family when there was a knock on my door. I put my laptop down and got up from my spot in the corner of my living room to walk toward the door. I opened it and saw Jake there.
“Hi, I thought you didn't finish work till later?” I ask as I step aside to let him in. “Mav let us leave earlier because its Friday. Plus I think he had plans of his own to get to.” he chuckled as he took his boots off. He turned to me, took a few steps forward and wrapped his arms around my waist before leaning down and giving my lips a sweet kiss that brought a smile to my face. “Well I am thankful for Mav and his Friday plans.” I tell him as we pull away and Jake chuckles.
I take his hand to lead him back to my spot on my couch and we sit down next to each other, getting comfy. “Did you have a good day?” he asked as I scooted closer, putting my legs over his lap as he put his arm across the back of the couch “Yeah, I went to the gym this morning, picked up some groceries while I was out, then came home and cleaned up a bit. I just now finished my Christmas shopping.” I told him, smiling as he listened to me ramble on.
That was one thing about Jake Seresin. Although he had a hard time keeping his mouth shut with everyone else, when it came to you, he could listen to your voice all day and never get tired of it. “Sounds like quite the productive day” he responded playing with a stray hair that had fallen from my messy bun. “I wanted to ask you something actually now that you bring up Christmas. Would you be interested in coming to a Christmas party Mav and Penny are having at the Hard Deck?” he offers with a certain glee in his eyes.
“Of course, I would love to! When is it?” I ask. “It’s December 23rd. So next Thursday.'' he answers my question, unable to hide the grin on his face knowing he’ll get to introduce his girl to everyone. “Sounds good, can't wait!” I told him, genuinely excited.
The rest of the night was spent talking about the holidays, sharing stories on how we spent the holidays growing up, and what our favourite traditions were. We continued the Christmas conversation as we made dinner together, laughing with one another at certain points in our stories and then ended the night cuddling on the couch watching Home Alone.
The week seemed to fly by and now I’m standing in front of my mirror observing the finished look for the Christmas party. I had gone out the day prior and bought the outfit I was wearing. I paired black leather pants that stopped right before my ankles with simple black heels and a dark red long sleeve bodysuit that showed off my shoulders. It contrasted perfectly with the gold jewelry I chose.
As I was touching up my lipgloss, there was a knock at my door indicating Jake was here. I opened the door and took a second to admire the man standing in front of me. He was wearing black dress pants and a deep maroon button up with the first couple buttons undone. His hair was still visibly wet from the shower he had taken and he opted out of styling it with his usual hair gel. It made him look even better than he normally did, which I didn't think was possible.
“You like what you see?” he smirked, pulling me out of checking him out. I just blushed in response and turned to get my jacket while he chuckled. He loved making me blush.
—
Jake was a gentleman through and through. When we arrived at the Hard Deck, he put the car in park and opened the door for me like usual. “Thank you.” I smiled as he shut the door. “Anything for my girl.” He winked while offering his arm and we walked to the entrance of the Hard Deck.
Once inside I saw the decorations Penny had put up and smiled. There was a tree in the corner and everything looked so beautiful. Jake led us towards the dagger squad who were all dressed just as nice as you and Jake were.
“Ayyye! Hangman joins us.” Coyote said once we were close, and Jake just chuckled at his friend. “Hangman, who's the pretty lady on your arm?” Rooster asked with a smirk. He was already 2 drinks in so his usual flirtiness was turned up a few notches
“Back off Bradshaw, she's here with me.” Jake said slightly possessive but not meaning anything rude by it. Rooster just put his hands up and chuckled. Jake introduced me to the rest of the group, and everyone took a liking to me almost immediately.
Throughout the night I got separated from Jake but I didn't mind, settling into a conversation with Natasha. She’s grateful not to be the only girl in the group anymore.“So how long have you and Hang-” she started but then stopped herself. “Jake, I mean. How long have you and Jake been dating?” she finished her question, and I made a face while chuckling.
“Well we aren't official yet.” I told her, taking a sip of the drink Jake had gotten me earlier. “Wait seriously?” she questioned, shocked you guys weren't official. “I’ve never seen him so head over heels before. There’s no way you're not his girlfriend.” she continued and I just shrugged.
“I mean I want us to be official, but I also don't know how to bring it up to him.” I shared with the fellow female, hoping for some guidance. “I would say just be upfront with him and ask him.” she advised. Before I could reply to her, Jake came over. “Sorry Phoenix, but I’m stealing my girl back.” he told her as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and walked me to the other side of the room.
He stopped right in the hallway that led to the washrooms. “Is everything okay?” I had to ask, and he just smirked while darting his eyes above the two of us. I followed his eyes, and of course there was mistletoe hanging. I looked back at Jake and he was already looking at me.
I knew I had to ask him now or else I never would, which wasn't an option. As Jake started leaning in, I put a hand on his chest to stop him. “Jake, wait” I said, seeing the confusion in his eyes before continuing.
“I know this is about to sound extremely middle school-like but I have to ask you. What are we?” I asked, looking at him, and he still seemed confused by my question “I mean, are we boyfriend and girlfriend?” I asked more directly. He chuckled in response and now it was my turn to be confused.
“Babe what did you think we'd been doing this whole time if we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend?” he asked as he pulled me a bit closer. “I know we never said it officially, but I thought it was just an unspoken thing.” he told me smiling.
I didn’t know what to say to that and as I tried to think of something to say, he continued speaking. “I'm sorry I just assumed, I should've asked you earlier.” He apologizes. “ Will you officially be my girlfriend?” he asked, looking at me with pure adoration as he moved a strand of hair behind my ear.
I looked in his eyes and knew he was being sincere when he asked. Afraid to speak, I just nodded as a small smile made its way to my face. He smiled and leaned down, this time not being stopped by my hand and we shared our first “official” kiss as boyfriend and girlfriend under the mistletoe.
“You know I’ve never been kissed under the mistletoe before now” I told him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Jake just smiled and leant down to kiss me again. This was something he could get used to doing.
—
Okay this is my first ever published piece of writing for a fictional character which is why I really hope this is good so please leave any comments you have!! I’m excited to share this series with everyone and will definitely work quickly to get the others out !!
#top gun maverick#hangman x reader#jake seresin series#jake seresin x reader#glen powell#top gun maverick x reader#jake seresin#jake seresin imagine#bradley rooster bradshaw#miles teller#natasha trace#topgun#Christmas Through The Years x ssprayberrythings
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I really really love your art, your posts on my dash always make me excited :) I’m hoping to buy Christmas gifts from your store for some bookish friends of mine (and probably get something for myself too lol). As a budding artist myself, I was wondering if you consider it worthwhile to post on Tumblr. I’ve seen mixed reviews on whether or not it’s helpful for creators to try to generate business on Tumblr and was hoping you would weigh in :) thank you, and happy holidays!
Ah thank you so much!
I’d say that even though Tumblr has no algorithm or features to specifically try and sell products like the other social networks, I have probably generated 60% of all my sales from here.
I’m sure that if I really wanted to, I could make more from concentrating fully on Instagram, but to be honest, it makes me anxious trying to compete for attention on there. Tumblr rewards you for posting good stuff whenever you feel like it- sometimes I’ll get a thousand notes and half a dozen sales based on a post I made a year ago that has picked up momentum again, whereas you can post something at the wrong time of day on Instagram and it will never be seen by anyone. I also don’t have the time to learn how to make professional looking videos and am not keen on putting my face all over the internet either, both of which are seemingly important for Instagram and TikTok.
I like the lack of hustle culture here too, I am not bothered at all if people like and interact with my work forever without buying anything, because I’m also just sharing my work for fun. I don’t feel like I need to grow my audience because it just kind of happens organically here.
If I had to make art my main source of income, I’d need to sell a lot more so I would then probably dive into the other apps, but I’d keep Tumblr too. Oh, the Blaze feature is actually pretty fantastic, once I worked out which of my artworks the Tumblr audience were actually interested in, it’s a very simple and quick way of advertising.
(Send me a message when you order and I’ll put some free stuff in for you!)
Saying all that- you can still follow me Instagram / Shop
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I am so so so sorry to message you here about this because it's not really your issue but I'm unfortunately lost. I recently ordered from your Etsy, but the tracking says it arrived on the 12th...it definitely did not :( I don't want to go through Etsy because it's not your fault USPS lost my envelope, but I wondered if you had any advice for pursuing finding out where it actually got sent? Especially since the wolf knight pin I got is now sold out, it seems. Once again, I'm asking nothing of you other than if you have any tips for people with lost stuff. I feel like when I call the post office I'm just gonna hear "well we delivered it, sorry." I didn't send a message through Etsy because idk if that would somehow get your shop in trouble or something, possibly I worry too much
I love your pins and probably 2/3s of my collection are yours and I have every intention of continuing to purchase. I even got a few gifts for people this time around. I'm just really down about not getting them so I'm reaching out partially to feel like I'm doing something about it. Sorry to bother you and if this is annoying, no obligation to respond. Hope you're having a lovely evening <3
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear your package got lost. As a pin collector myself I know how disappointing and frustrating that can be, even more so if the pin is no longer available. In the future please feel free to reach out on Etsy, it doesn't hurt my shop if you message with a question there. Tumblr and other social media sites aren't very reliable when it comes to delivering messages, I've lost asks in my inbox or had messages hidden on Instagram and Twitter. That's just a blanket notice for anyone who might come across this later :))
If your package was not delivered and was marked delivered, here are the steps I would take:
Wait 48 hours - you have already done this but for anyone else in the same predicament, sometimes USPS marks the package delivered when it's really "out for delivery." I've had this happen a few times and the packages show up within two days.
Submit a missing mail search request - this sends a message to your post office telling them the package is missing and asking them to search for it. I've done this request a few times and had luck getting one package located this way.
Open a case on Etsy - Etsy's Purchase Protection Program has a caveat that if the package is marked delivered but was lost, and shipping was purchased through Etsy, they may cover the refund and the shop does not have to. Here's a guide on how to open a case. There are some risks to a shop if they have too many open cases, BUT I'd rather you get your money back than pay for pins and get nothing! So please do open that case. When people message me inquiring about lost packages I usually tell them to open a case for it. If you want you can send me a courtesy message ahead of time as a heads up. Etsy may ask me to provide input on the case and usually I point to the tracking saying the package is delivered. It's not a big deal at all, so again, please open a case.
Sometimes people don't want their money back and just want a replacement sent instead. If it's a small order I will sometimes do this, but the buyer has to pay for shipping again. For larger orders, I prefer you get a refund and repurchase because it can be costly for me to replace big orders.
Ideally you get your money back from the Etsy case, and from there you can repurchase your items if available. In this case the item is sold out, but I have seconds-grade Wolf Knight pins still if you want one of those. If you have your heart set on a standards-grade pin, you can wait until my stockists have them in stock or pick one of the alternate colorways - they should be restocked at the end of this month.
I hope this helps, and I hope your package is located. Thank you for your patience and for supporting my small business :))
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Adjustable binder recs? (and one for sale)
Nearly twenty years ago, I purchased a T-Kingdom binder with side Velcro closure (style pictured below) to use for my crossplays. It's done an admirable job over the years, but after almost two decades of use the elastic is wearing out, so it's time to replace it.
Since I hadn't really kept up with developments in this area, I did a bunch of reading up on binders, since there are SO MANY more on the market now than the two brands (T-Kingdom and Underworks) that existed back in the early 2000s. I looked at dozens of rating blogs and product reviews, and I ordered a few of the more popular models to try.
They... did not work for me. At all. (Ow.)
So then I tried to order another binder from T-Kingdom, since I know I can wear theirs comfortably. But the site's shopping cart is broken, and their contact form is broken, and I emailed them directly and they have never responded, so I'm guessing they're either defunct or don't want my money.
Trouble is, nobody else seems to make the model I need. So, crowdsourcing it is! If anyone has suggestions or knows where I can get a binder that meets the following criteria, please chime in:
It CAN NOT be a fitted pullover style. I have spine damage that limits my shoulder and neck mobility; I can't even get a sports bra on over my shoulders, much less a tight-fitting binder. It can go on loose over the head and then zip or Velcro or hook or whatever once it's on, but it can't go on tight.
Adjustable compression preferred. While manual compression is not recommended for everyone, I have enough experience binding to know how not to hurt myself, and I would like to be able to adjust the fit throughout the day to change the pressure on my spine. I like the Velcro closure on my current binder, but I'm open to other styles if they work well.
It needs to be able to flatten huge... tracts of land. I'm a D-cup plus. I need a lot of smooshing power, while still having enough elasticity to allow comfortable breathing.
Actual before-and-after binding photos, to give you an idea of what I'm working with/aiming for:
I may be looking for a unicorn (or at least a model only made by a company that doesn't answer their email), but hopefully someone in my network will have something to recommend. I'm even willing to try making my own, if I can find the right materials -- though I'm not sure where to get those massive, industrial-strength elastic panels that most high-compression binders seem to be made of.
Thanks for any suggestions or recommendations you may have!
The "One For Sale" bit
As mentioned above, I tried several binders that didn't work for me. I was able to return all of them except for one: I have a size L gc2b Nude No. 4 half binder that was on my body for approximately a minute and a half and will never, ever go on it again (this was the one pullover style I tried, and I actually hurt myself getting into/out of it. Stupid spine :P).
Since it's never been used, I'd like to recoup most of my cost, but I'd rather offer it to the cosplay community than just put it up on eBay or something. I paid $42 ($29.75 plus gc2b's flat rate shipping). It can be yours for $29 with local/at-con pickup, $34 shipped within the contiguous USA, or outside that area if you cover the difference in shipping cost (I have cheap international rates through my business account, so this would likely be around $10 more). If you're interested, send me a DM!
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A Soulmates Christmas
From: @fairysdarkestnight
To: @thane-emblem
“What?!”
The coffee shop around them buzzed with pre-Christmas energy. There was no reason to think that anyone was listening in - not even the barista was paying attention to anything besides the book his nose was in - but there was a part of Shion that just felt like everyone was now focused on this decidedly not safe for public conversation.
Safu took a sip of her herbal tea as she simply looked at Shion, even though the other couldn’t seem to meet her eyes. His own coffee sat untouched in front of him, though he kept his gloved hands wrapped around the mug. “I know your hearing is functional so I doubt that I need to repeat myself. And although your background is in ecology, I doubt you lack the most basic understanding of anatomy. So therefore I must conclude that you did in fact hear me, and are asking me to elaborate rather than repeat myself.”
Somehow he still couldn’t quite meet her eyes even as he could hear the lightest undercurrent of humor in her words. But the roaring in his ears blocked out her actual words and she slowly trailed off into an uncomfortable silence.
They finished their drinks without saying much, occasionally making light conversation about Safu’s upcoming study abroad program. Their time didn’t feel like it usually did, and Shion didn’t want things to feel this awkward right before she left, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to say the words she so desperately wanted to hear.
And so when they said goodbye, he gave her a tight hug and promised he would see her off at the station in a couple days. I love you Safu. Just not in the way you need me to.
Eventually they parted ways and Shion went home to help at the bakery. His mom mentioned that they’d received a large rush order for the theater by someone named Nezumi and that they’d need to get started on it before it was picked up the following morning.
And so the two of them stayed up well into the night, until they were both so exhausted that they fell asleep after putting in one of the final batches of cookies and didn’t notice when they started to burn.
Shion didn’t know what he'd done wrong to deserve the actual hell that he was experiencing. When he was woken up by Safu’s text asking to meet up at their usual cafe, he’d been nervous, but happy that maybe they’d be able to move past the awkwardness from the day before. And yet, for some reason completely beyond his understanding, Safu refused to let up on her request.
Instead of responding or letting the conversation die, Shion merely sighed and pushed back his chair. It seemed like Safu was going to continue to push, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it without hurting her. So if they were going to have that conversation, he was at least going to do it with something a little stronger than a cappuccino.
It also didn’t help that he couldn’t remember actually making it back to his bed last night, or that he’d developed a cough. Hopefully his mom had been able to finish up the catering order and that it was picked up with no issues that morning.
“Please tell me you sell Irish Coffee. Or espresso martinis. I’d even take a spiked hot chocolate at this point.”
The barista raised an eyebrow and let out a low chuckle that sent a shiver down his spine. “What, is that friend of yours still after you? I thought your brilliant response yesterday of ‘Oh no, not my sperm. Anything but that!’ would’ve been enough to send any woman running. And yet here you are again.”
Shion groaned and ran a tired hand through his brown hair at the other man’s teasing. “I was hoping that we’d be able to just… ignore it? I don’t know I’m not good at this kind of thing. Once she knows what she wants, there’s no one who can stand against her. She won’t let them.”
The other man simply shook his head, a derisive smirk on his lips. “She sounds like a real winner. A match made in heaven Your Majesty. With your airheadedness and her stubbornness, you’ll take the world by storm.” The barista, whose name tag only had a picture of a rat on it, shook his head and moved to start preparing a drink. “It’s not on the menu, and it’s not like we have alcohol just lying around. But I sometimes need a little extra ‘holiday cheer.’” And with that he pulled out a flask from his apron and poured some dark liquid (whiskey, maybe?) into the mug. And kept pouring.
Shion apparently looked as frazzled as he felt.
A smirk tugged at the barista’s lips as he handed the steaming mug of salvation to Shion. “Now go and confess how uninterested you are in having sex with her.”
15 minutes later and Shion was swearing that there was no way that the whiskey should’ve been strong enough to make him hallucinate. But there really wasn’t any other explanation for the fact that Safu was repeating the same conversation as the day before. Not a continuation like he’d thought when they met at the coffee shop. No, a full repetition of a topic he really didn’t want to discuss.
“I know we didn’t really talk about this yesterday, but I’m sorry. I haven’t seen you as more than a friend and I’m not ready to have sex with you.”
Safu’s eyes widened and hurt flashed across her face. But confusion settled and she took a sip of her tea - herbal, same as always - before trying to meet his eyes. “Shion. We… we didn’t talk about this yesterday. We didn’t even see each other yesterday. We were going to meet for dinner but you worked late since Yamase called in.”
The hot chocolate burned as it slid down his throat but he couldn’t tell if it was from the temperature or the whiskey. “Safu, that was Friday. We met here for coffee yesterday and we were having this exact conversation.”
A calculating look entered her eyes as she leaned forward, almost as if she was examining him. Actually scratch that, that is exactly what she was doing. “Shion, what day do you think it is?”
“What day do I think it is? I know it’s Sunday.”
Safu shook her head slowly. “No Shion, it’s Saturday. Check your phone if you don’t believe me. Have you been having other symptoms like this? Memory falsification is rare but not impossible. But it's still odd that you would have known what I wanted to talk about.”
He lifted the hot chocolate (should he even really call it that? It was more alcohol than chocolate) to his lips as he took out his phone, only slightly surprised that it read Saturday December 24th. “I don’t know Safu. But I know - or at least I think I know - that we were here together yesterday talking about this exact same thing. And then I went home and helped my mom with the bakery. Some of her regulars came in, and a catering order was called in for the theater. Apparently the guy who put in the order had a weird name - Nezumi. I can’t make something like that up. And so we stayed up late to prepare the order - he must have been really desperate for my mom to agree on such short notice.”
There was a choked coughing sound from the coffee bar but Shion didn’t turn to look as he was too focused on trying to figure out what was going on. Maybe he just had a really vivid dream? An extreme case of deja vu?
Shion looked down at his gloved hands and sighed. Maybe it was nothing, but there was a part of him that felt like it was something more. Something that almost felt like a pull. But to where he couldn’t figure out.
The two friends sat there for a while, and Safu kept talking, mostly about her studies and how she was hoping that she’d find something that could help Shion, but he was mostly tuning her out at that point, choosing to stare out the window and the flurries of snow.
As they said their goodbyes and Shion watched Safu get into the taxi meant to take her home, he heard a crack from above. And then felt a searing pain that wrapped itself around his body before losing consciousness.
When Shion woke up the next morning, he was expecting to be in a hospital room. Or at the very least in severe pain. But no, he was back at home, feeling completely fine. Well-rested even. But when he picked up his phone, he barely had time to see that he’d gotten a text from Safu to meet at the cafe. When he grabbed it, his phone sparked and its screen went black, with a small wisp of smoke winding its way through the air.
But it wasn’t until he passed a mirror that he realized the true extent of what happened. Instead of the perfectly average brown hair and eyes he was born with, he now sported snow white hair and eyes red as blood. Not to mention the pink scar across his cheek that wound its way under his clothes. He was too afraid to see exactly how far that scar went though.
He took a few minutes to hunt for a beanie he knew he had somewhere, and he raided his mother’s makeup. It took a while for him to figure out exactly the best method to hide what looked like a scar, but it was passable enough by the time he left. But as he didn’t exactly have any colored contacts just lying around, he’d had to keep his head down as he called out to his mom that he was leaving.
He didn’t want to stand Safu up, even if he didn’t exactly feel like going to the cafe again. But that barista had also remembered the first day. So if he was lucky, maybe that man would have some answers.
If Nezumi had to go through this god-forsaken Saturday again was going to hurt someone. Probably that airheaded customer if he had anything to say about it. Sundays were his day off and that brat was (probably) the only one standing between him and a day of sleeping in.
The only bright side to having to repeat the day again was that write-up he’d gotten for not coming into work on what he thought was a Sunday just magically disappeared. Almost like it never happened. But he’d (almost) take a write up over having to work at that stupid shop for the 8th time in a row. Especially when he wasn’t even technically getting paid for it.
But when he checked his phone and saw that it was in fact Saturday December 24th for the third time, Nezumi begrudgingly pulled on a pair of black jeans and a matching long sleeve shirt. It was one of the only shops he could still work at - he’d been fired for fighting with customers at all the others, and he was still getting his foot in the door at the theater here. So he really needed this job and couldn’t afford another write up.
Not that he thought he deserved to be fired over customers’ crossing the boundaries of what’s considered “acceptable” behavior, but he was a replaceable minimum wage employee and a brush of the hand to see if he was their soulmate really shouldn't evoke such a strong reaction from him. And it really didn’t - it was the pushy ones who would grab at him because there was clearly a mistake and there’s no way this random albeit attractive barista isn’t their soulmate.
Maybe he shouldn’t be working a customer facing job. But his face makes up for his patchwork experience so he’d deal with it until he could pay rent from the theater’s paycheck.
By the time he made it to No.6 (seriously, what kind of name was that? Where were the other five locations?) Nezumi was hungry and irritated and kind of hungover despite the fact that he hadn’t had anything to drink since the launch party on Friday. Which was really unfair and just something else to blame that particular customer for.
Part of him was hoping that he was wrong, that the man who’d come in with a friend who propositioned him in public wasn’t his soulmate. But that man clearly remembered the previous day, even if he didn’t bear the marks Nezumi had come to associate with those Fate was especially cruel to. And there had been that incident the prior night…
He’d only met a handful of people whose time had noticeably stopped when meeting their soulmate, and only a handful of those bore the white hair and scars. And that man hadn’t had either of those when he saw him. So maybe it was a coincidence.
But regardless of whether that man was his soulmate or not, he still had to go into work.
Someone was gonna die. Maybe even him. He really didn’t want to go into work.
“What do you know about soulmates?”
Shion was surprised that the words coming out of the barista’s mouth - whose name he still didn’t know, because a rat drawing didn’t actually constitute a name - weren’t something like ‘What can I get you’ or ‘If you talk to me while I’m reading I’ll stab you.’ And given how angry he looked when asking the question… well Shion felt like he might get stabbed.
“Not much. Only that there’s no scientific basis for it, as we only have anecdotal evidence that supports the theory that time seems to stop when you touch them the first time. And since there’s no way of knowing when you touch someone the first time that they’ll be your soulmate, it’s nearly impossible to set up a controlled experiment.”
The barista nodded, but the frown deepened and his brow furrowed. “I have people come in every day demanding to touch me to see if their time stops for a moment. And I have regulars who swear they felt it when they touched their partner’s skin the first time. And then people like you who don’t believe in soulmates at all.”
Shion cocked his head, a thoughtful look on his face. “I don’t actually not believe in soulmates. And even if I did, after the last couple of days I’ve been having, I think I’d be more inclined to believe in them. I think I’ll believe in a lot more after today.”
“Oh?”
“I… think I’ve been repeating this day. And to be honest, I think you have too. And if I’m wrong, I hope I get to repeat it again so you don’t remember this conversation.”
The barista’s lips drew up and he turned to start on a hot chocolate. Unspiked this time. “No, you’re right. I’ve seen that friend proposition you twice now. I was wondering if there would be a third time and part of me was hoping there would be. It’s the highlight of my day.”
Shion chuckled and handed over his card to pay for the drink. “I’m so glad that my misery brings you joy. I would hate for you to be bored while working. But I don’t think Safu will be here today. I fried my phone when I picked it up this morning, so I never confirmed that we could meet. I came here just in case, but mostly I wanted to talk to you.” He took a sip of his drink and sighed. There’s just something about hot chocolate during Christmastime that just soothes the soul. “So. soulmates. Are they connected to this?”
The barista hesitated for a moment but then nodded his head once. “I think it could be. But first answer one of my questions - what are you hiding under that beanie?”
Shion’s face flushed as he fidgeted with the edge of the hat. “Nothing? I was cold?”
He clearly didn’t buy it.
“Alright fine. So there may have been an…accident last night? I don’t remember for sure but I think I got electrocuted. And when I woke up I…didn’t look the same.”
The barista nodded. “There’s a group of people living on the outskirts of town. They’re an odd group, but one of the men there had gone through something similar. He’d died shortly after meeting his soulmate but hadn’t yet touched her. And he kept repeating the day until he did. Death has a funny way of messing with the soulmate bond. And if I’m right, I’d bet those changes have to do with those red eyes, and your hair is most assuredly white under that beanie of yours. And you have to have some kind of scar somewhere I’m sure”
If Shion had any surprise left in him, the fact that this man could so accurately guess the changes that he’d freaked out about that morning would’ve taken the last of it. He was talking as if it was the most normal thing. And so Shion didn’t say anything, but nodded his head all the same.
The barista came around the counter to stand in front of Shion, who put his hot chocolate on the counter. “If I’m right, then our time will correct itself and we’ll wake up on Christmas Day like nothing ever happened. But I could be wrong, and then you’d have to see who else you met today has memories of you.” He held out his hand with the palm facing up. This man whose name he didn’t even know was putting the choice in his hands. Both figuratively and literally. And that terrified him. But it was also a little exciting.
Shion started pulling off his gloves. After all, that was part of the reason they were in that mess. If Shion hadn’t worn gloves, then even the slightest brush of their hands would’ve snapped the soulmate bond into space. But no. He just had to be cold enough to take off his gloves.
As their hands met, Shion’s eyes slid closed without his approval. And together they experienced what felt like everything all at once. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, calmness. A fraction of a moment later and the feelings passed.
The barista’s lips pulled into a smile. He dropped Shion’s hand to reach out, pulling Shion into a heated kiss. Once they broke apart when the sound of clapping echoed through the small cafe. They’d apparently forgotten that they had an audience. “I don’t think I ever caught your name.”
“Shion.”
“Nezumi.”
“Oh my god you’re the reason I stayed up far too late that first time!”
“I was sure that my soulmate wouldn’t exist, that they’d be on the total opposite ends of the world and we’d never have the chance to meet them. Which, by the way, you and I will need to talk about the details - the world might have set us up, but I want to make sure we keep a level head. I’d like to try to make this work.”
Nezumi dropped Shion’s hands and shoved them into his pockets. “Yeah, talking would be good. But first we need to figure out how to stop you from dying. As powerful as this phenomenon is, I don’t really feel the need to watch your head be completely separated from its body again.”
“AGAIN?!”
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Explorers!Hero (or multi!hero) who is usually extremely nice, but Team Skull are still up to their old tricks. Even after they saved the world with Partner and came back from non-existence, those three are still up to no good. Sooooooo—the hero is about this || close to snapping when they happen to remember Zubat being left behind in Apple Woods.
Like a Sharpedo they smell blood in that water.
It takes first writing out individual letters to Team Skull in different styles, they have picked up a skill like this from teaching non-guild teammates how to write. The hero pretends to be a huge fan of the trio that really wanted to send their favorite Pokémon some help. Hero pretends to spell like a really young kid—a weedle they sign off as. The ���fan” basically gushes and gushes, until they mention how they wonder the noxious gas combo would work in a dungeon. Fan begs Team Skull to try their hand at *insert dungeon* which Hero knows has a lot of tough non-smelling Pokémon.
“Fan” included reviver (reviser) seeds, a joy (doom) seed, and heal (sleep) seeds in their letter to help! …They even put like 388 Poké in as the “request” reward thing. Which isn’t a lot in retrospect, but at least sweetens the deal for Team Skull. While this kid heaped on praise for the other two, they kinda had some questions about Zubats role on the team. He got knocked out by the team’s famous combo, right? Zubat goes to meet the “fan” while the other two try the dungeon. Obviously, he’s a little creeped out when he finds Hero in the “fan’s” place.
Hero has a wide smile, inviting him to sit/lay down to chat for a bit! After all—they ordered Zubat his favorite drink. (The former human had to ask Spinda who normally doesn’t give this information.) He says he feels a bit uncomfortable even if it’s just the wimpy partner’s friend. Hero says that’s fine. They don’t want to make him feel trapped, such a shame that can’t talk shop though. They mean… doesn’t Zubat hate being shunted to the side like this? The hero pretends to not know about the letters, pretends to not be the fan.
They gradually get Zubat to sit down and just casually point out the Pokémon’s weaknesses repeatedly doing innocently backhanded comments. “Oh sure, you can’t see but I am sure that high-pitched echo location makes you aware of everything. Not like anyone will ignore it”, “Really I got lucky to be turned into the Pokémon I am, I could have gotten stuck in a physically weaker body… sort of your situation of being a glass cannon for reference”, and “it must suck that your team’s signature left you knocked out too. If me and partner had been a wild/criminal, winces that could’ve gotten ugly.”
They keep playing into his insecurities, then off-hand says, “You know it’s really easy to be just plain old cruel. Say something mean, it’ll stick with a Mon. Steal from them? They remember you if you let them see what you are. Leave a less experienced team forced to go through no-dinner after working a long day? We were bitter. Anyone can do that, but making it personal? Oh. Oh that sticks so much better!”
“I could have hypothetically slipped a stun, warp, and blast seed into your drink to make you a random bomb—” Zubat spits it out “—but I didn’t. Really, that would have the chance to hurt someone else and isn’t the most personal thing. Hypothetically, I could have simply called in a few favors and had you three… fainted. Permanently. Or do it myself. Truly, there are quite a few ways I could justify it. I know the freaking Dragon Gods of Space and Time. No one would be able to find what remained of you or them, if I was truly that unhinged.”
What kind of psycho discusses this in front of who they want to—
“Again if I genuinely wanted to. You three are beyond annoying and petty bullies, but death? Oh no. That would be too permanent for my taste. Also, not a Pokémon remember unless you didn’t hear—I’m human no matter what my form is and the instincts I have so I still think like one. We tend to have these things called ‘intrusive thoughts’. It’s sort of thoughts about what we could do in spite of the consequences. Like,” Hero pulls Zubat close to whisper, “being stuck in a small room with a crying baby Whismur who won’t stop crying. Sure, it’s a baby it doesn’t know better. But, after a certain point you would just want to smash it against the wall to get it to stop for Arceus sake…!”
“So with all due respect, either keep the schemes civil without endangering anyone or pick a new term of employment. Or else I will let the intrusive thoughts win. Understand?” Their reputation be damned, they are in a world of super-powered animals who fight daily. The intrusive thoughts have only gotten stronger.
jesus f-ing christ
multi!hero making it their MISSION to make team skull as uncomfortable as POSSIBLE without directing doing any harm to them, one member at a time
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WIP Folder Tag Game
Finally slinking back on here after I don’t know how long 😬 First of all, I want to thank everyone who’s been tagging me the past few weeks, I really do appreciate it! I just haven’t had a lot of energy left over to actually do much writing and/or posting, even though I still have a lot of “writing” happening in my head. (On a side note, that used to work out a lot better when I was younger—I could hold entire paragraphs verbatim in my mind for weeks at a time; now I’m lucky if I even remember roughly what direction I wanted a scene to take, lol).
And thank you so, so much to those who offered to let me bend their ear about my writing difficulties. I really do plan to take you up on it, but I’ve been procrastinating partly out of brutal shyness and partly because I’m not even sure where to begin, the reasons for which may become apparent from seeing the folders I’m about to share. I mean, yikes.
Anyway, I’m excited to play along and I’m happy to answer any asks I get! (Thanks @palimpsessed for tagging me to play!)
Rules: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how nondescriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! Then tag as many people as you have WIPS.
Shelter from the Storm (RWRB)
Runaway Train (Whyborne & Griffin)
The next group are Snowbaz WIPS, many of which were begun for COC22. Still hoping to get them finished! (Those that are numbered are out of order because I use google docs, so the list is in order of what’s been most recently opened)
Beginnings
Fluff, COCC Day 15
Devotion, COC22 Day 13
Devour, COC22 Day 12
EGF23 dead darlings
So, crap. The next grouping is my shame revealed, lol. I NEVER write like this, but this is what has happened: My crucible marriage AU is a complete and utter shambles of separate files, all individual scenes that I’ve been trusting my brain to knit together at some future point. And I still believe that it will, actually, but it’s something new to me. I’m more the kind of writer who envisions an entire story from start to finish—or at least the basic bones of it—and then I sit down and proceed in a chronological and orderly fashion. I have a couple of theories about why that hasn’t happened this time, and it largely boils down to self-indulgence. I’m enjoying myself, I don’t want to bring the story to an end, and I have been keeping the scenes separate so that rather than one big mess of a file, I have one big mess of a drive. Welcome to my cluttered mind! It can be a pretty fun place, if you watch where you step.
Too much
Kiss
Moles
Murder in My Heart
Fireside
Pool
Rolling
Heading Home After Crucible
First wings
Vera
Sick in love
Wings
Reception
Favorite
Fiona in kitchen
Simon at the start
Mordelia asks
Epilogue
Post-reception
Fiona reception
Winchester
Clothes shopping
Eyebrow
Lying on B
Good night
Tree carving
So much fun
Butter
Angel of the morning
LSE
Carry upstairs
Laughing
Escape
Before reception
Cold sleep
Annulment
Do you think
Signing the book
Reception garden
Coven
Alphabet
Love of my life
Spring equinox 2017
Arranged
Spring equinox
Simon before crucible
I want to say, these are not all going to be *chapters*. The fic is going to be long, but not as long as all that! I could say more but maybe I’ll wait and see if anyone is interested enough to ask, since this post is already way too rambling. I don’t think I could possibly tag as many people as there are files here, and I think everyone has already played anyway, so as usual I’m going to apologize ahead of tagging folks who have likely already done this. Sorry ❤️
@confused-bi-queer @onepintobean @sillyunicorn @facewithoutheart @basiltonbutliketheherb @asocialpessimist @ileadacharmedlife @bookish-bogwitch @aristocratic-otter @takenabackbytuesdays @martsonmars @nightimedreamersghost @ionlydrinkhotwater @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @shrekgogurt @raenestee @fatalfangirl @stitchyqueer @bazzybelle @fucking-gay-frogs @mostlymaudlin @sailorblossoms @yellowraincoat @ivelovedhimthroughworse @hushed-chorus @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @thehoneyedhufflepuff @anikamercat @aceumbrellaheroes @captain-aralias
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What was the process of getting yourself published? Did you get an agent or did you shop it yourself? Who edited it your or someone else? How long did it take from beginning to end? Was your story originally a fan fic? Who is your publisher / what printing house / company took you on? Thanks!
Thank you so much for these questions @twinsoulvisionary! There is a lot here so I will try to keep it brief and helpful!
I’ll go a little out of order so it makes more sense! Follow me below the cut!
Death Coach was written because I have two people in my life, one a published romance novelist and the other a family member, who had read lots of my fanfic and said I should write something original. So I took a few days to come up with an idea for something I thought I would care about enough to write an original novel about it.
The idea was simple “Detective gets involved with serial killer he’s hunting.” That was it. 😈
As to the question of if it was originally a fanfic, it was written explicitly to NOT be a fanfic, explicity to be something I could sell. However it’s no secret to anyone who knows me that Detective Walker is a thinly-veiled Luke Skywalker avatar, and Terana is at least physically very much like Mara Jade. There are tons of Easter Eggs in my novel for Star Wars fans, and I don’t want to drop them all here, but absolutely you will find other Star Wars-inspired characters in the book.
About the timeline:
Death Coach was finished in Dec 2018 and published in Dec 2022, so four years later. How about that? I’m just so happy it’s done! *checks box*
How long did it take to write?
Everyone writes at a different pace, but when I’m writing and have time to do it, I am super fast. I think Death Coach was written (first draft complete of 80k) in about 3 weeks. The first two days after I started it, I was already 20k into the book. I edit as I go—one of my habits with this book, so I didn’t lose any threads, was to reread what I’d written at least every other day. I could fix things, tweak, and proofread as I read. I think especially if you are writing a story where there are aspects of mystery or clues needing to be dropped, it’s a good habit to reread your draft often before you continue.
So I was on fire and the story wrote itself (as my stories often do).
I edited it myself (I consider myself an excellent editor, no false modesty here) but my sister, who is also a great proofreader, double-checked (and did find things I’d missed).
For getting published, it was a long and rocky road. I sent the book to many agents and publishers at the same time. I made a packet, query letter, checked all the boxes.
I did get a few offers fairly quickly, but they always seemed unappealing. For example, one publisher came back and said they loved the story but since their readership was primarily into dominant males, they suggested flipping the characters or making Terana more sub and Walker more domineering. That (if you’ve read the book you’ll understand) is a completely different novel, and not a story that interested me. One asked for more queer sexual content. One wanted more explicit childhood trauma for the serial killer. Another wrote back and offered me $1000 advance with a cap on royalties of $1,000. Since I am doing this as a hobby, it wasn’t so much about the money, but that seemed low to me and why would I want to cap royalties?
The most encouraging responses were actually from agents or publishers who were like “we can’t sell this right now but we like your style, send us something else/send us a different book.” Well, this was THE book I wrote and I wasn’t going to write another one until I’d published this one…but that was still nice to hear. Lots of positivity but no takers.
One of the funniest responses I got was from an agent who was super excited about the premise and emailed me about how much he was looking forward to reading it and then emailed me a couple days later and was like “Uh…this is X rated. I thought it would be a nice book.” I was laughing like uh…ok so a NICE book about a serial killer? Did he even read the synopsis? Anyway, clearly too prudish to enjoy the smutastic Death Coach.
About a year after I wrote it, one of my friends who had been published under contract with Harlequin for years switched to self-publishing, and made about twice as much as she had under contract (she was making about $14k a book). She suggested I do it, but I didn’t have the time or energy (as I mentioned, writing is a hobby for me and not a life goal or anything). She also had the benefit of a following, a known name in the romance business, something I do not.
I am under no illusions about the limited demographic for Death Coach—it’s gritty and graphic in both violent death and sex. People who are reading Mills & Boon don’t want to read about cunts and sex in the dirt, and people who are reading hard crime aren’t expecting lots of explicit fucking breaking up their action. But I thought maybe I would go after self-publishing when I had time and see if the book found an audience.
So fast-forward several years (!) and this past August I had some time to explore options. My friend who has self-published used Ingram Spark, who have global distribution and don’t try to keep any rights over your product. I worked with her to setup the title on her account, so I didn’t have to start from scratch (but I think it’s pretty easy if you want to set up your own—although if you are getting the impression I am lazy about it, you are right).
One benefit of Ingram is the option to refuse returns, because sometimes authors actually OWE money when royalties go into the negative due to returns. So I used SpiroBooks.com for my layout, got the ISBNs myself, had the super-talented @jadedjo do my cover art, and voila, here we are.
I think it’s important to stress again that I do this as a HOBBY. If I was interested in being a professional author who does it as a career, there were a lot of things I would do differently, including joining professional associations, spending more time and effort on finding an agent, and writing books that are commercial and similar to what is selling (or what the publishers told me they were looking for). Along the path, I had several opportunities to compromise and sell the book to other entities, but what was important to me was the fact this was written, I liked it as it was, and I had no real reason or motivation to change the story or rewrite, etc.
My goal in publishing this was to see if people liked it, and maybe make a series out of it if it was profitable. I do love Detective Walker and wouldn’t mind seeing what erotic adventures he has in the future, but I also am happy writing fanfic and working the dayjob. So we’ll see how it shakes out and if I should continue 🥰
I should mention that I’m overwhelmed and touched by the immense support the book has here on tumblr and in fandom spaces with my friends. I love everyone who bought it (I think I don’t get sales stats until next month) and thank each of you for giving such a hard-to-categorize novel an audience.
I hope that answered all your questions @twinsoulvisionary! Thank you so much for the ask and interest, and I wish you luck in your own writing and publishing endeavors!!! 😘 Feel free to ask other stuff, you or anyone else with a question!
#authors on tumblr#books#publishing#self publishing#getting published#death coach#ask the author#novel
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Hanfu related clothes I've made in the past 8 months
Hello!!! It's been a while, hasn't it? I'd like to preface this post by saying that I'm a slow maker and a procrastinator and so, I've only managed to make 4 articles of clothing in the last 8 months. I've bought fabric for some more but my brain looks at them and goes "uh, another time" and so, it's been left for later.
For those of you who saw my first post but not the second: my patterns arrived!! I got them from this wonderful shop in taobao and they've made my day. I've only so far used two patterns and I've had to cut them all out first, which, given I bought 9, it was a lot of work. So I only started to use them later in the last 3 months or so.
The first thing I made after april was a short, sleeveless beizi. It could also maybe be called a parallel collar banbi? As I make modified clothing as the mood strikes me, please take with a grain of salt all the names I use to refer to what I make, if someone in the comments corrects me, please do listen to them! Now, I got some stripy transparent viscose (rayon in some places) for cheap, which was why I made this. It needed its own pattern that I had to make myself, as at that moment in time I still hadn't received the ones I ordered so if anyone wants it, do tell me, I'll send it to you. It's very cute and comfortable and you'll see I french-seamed it. I discovered, in the process of making the previous banbi, that I absolutely hate sergers. So this is how I've made all my clothes since. I also had to finish the edges by had, as the fabric was very delicate and couldn't withstand the force of the sewing machine. But it came out very nice and airy and it's quite comfortable. I'm going to modify its pattern later to make a bijia, as I don't have a pattern for it, and I think it'll work nicely.
The next thing I made was still without a pattern and it was... challenging. I wanted to do kind of a banbi to use as a top in summer. I made it myself and then used a cross collared shirt I had as comparison, to see if it made sense. As I wanted a wider design on the collar, as in more open, I could only do so much with it. I had to modify it a little bit after I thought it done but it came out nicely. The only thing I'm not really happy with is the collar, as I wanted to make it with two fabrics, but I didn't want the one complimenting the main one to be "inside" as I've seen in many pieces similar to this one. I don't know how that is made and I certainly don't know how it should be made in this position so I just, rolled with it. I think I will unpick it in the future and make it another way, I don't like how it falls against the fabric, it kinda becomes taught and bunches, even if from afar one can't see it. If anyone has any idea how to make this better, please do hit me up xD Currently it's sandwitched between the collar and the body, kinda like a second collar, but because it falls to the other side it gets warped.
Also, I wanted to do this in a nicer fabric but I was aware enough to try it with this one first, which was cheaper, in case something went wrong xD The other one is already cut and is only waiting on me thinking how to make the collar better. I made this with the beizi in mind so there's a picture with the two of them. Below another with the beizi and the nice fabric (it has fishies!!!).
Look at my happy face :DDD
Finally, the next thing I made using the pattern I got from the shop, and I made some pants!!! I had to adapt the pattern a bit, because it was for long pants and I wanted shorts for summer (and the fabric I had wasn't enough to make long pants, so shorts it was). I had to raise the crotch some, because the cut I made fell just at that line and it would have become a skirt (as you'll see in the first photo, the second is of the modified crotch) but the rest I made according to the pattern. I do have the slight suspicion though, that either I read the instructions wrongly or they were wrong because it came out very tight and I didn't see an opening anywhere but the waistband so I have to check on that (I added an opening on the side and put in a zipper). I also wanted to use a different fabric that I purchased just for this but I got very afraid of fucking it up so I got another fabric that I had destined for something else and used it as a trial. It did come out quite nicely, though I know I'll be making a couple of changes to the other one, that has already been cut and is waiting for the perfect moment.
I think you're getting my color palete from this, no? xD
And the last thing I finished last week and I also used one of the patterns I bought, the one for a shan, more specifically, and is the one that so far I love the most. I made it as a jacket with a cotton flannel I bought specifically for it and that I had my eye on for half a year and it's beauful. I love it. It's so soft, it's my favorite thing. They say cotton is cold and it sure doesn't give me much warmth outside but at some point I might give it a lining in linen, which is a termo-regulator fabric, and so that'll hopefully fix the issue. Right now it seems there's no linen in the stores because people don't think of linen as a winter fabric here, which it absolutely can be, so I'm pondering whether to wait until they stock it again or buy it in another country and have it delivered. Whichever's cheaper I guess. I'm just sad I forgot to add pockets ;__; (And I'm certainly not going to unpick it to add them now).
Do forgive my posing prowess, as it is nonexistent. To this one I added an interlining for the collar to stiffen it, as that's something I noticed I should have done with the previous jacket. Jacket I'm currently unpicking to fix it once and for all :D This one was also french-seamed and let me tell you, my sewing machine did NOT like that at all. I'll have to plan for it in future projects xD I am thinking of adding a belt to this one, as I think it would make the sihouette better when it's closed, but we'll see.
I want to make more pants in the future, as it's getting quite cold over here, so i have that to plan for, but for now I have a couple of short pieces I have to sew before the weekend so that will have to wait. Maybe I'll post something over here asking for help, because there's some pants I don't even know how to name or how to look for them xD
So see you when I make more things!!
#hanfu#modern hanfu#modified hanfu#hanfu resources#beizi#banbi#songku#songpants#shan#hanfu patterns#nonbinary#nonbinary clothes#hanyuansu#sewing#making mistakes lol#hope this helps someone#love you!
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Long rambly.
Got a little too enthusiastic to get those remaining ponies clean and now there are too many ponies in each station and I can’t move anyone forward until I clear out the later stations.
Got a few more ponies in the soup, and a few more ready to go in the soup when that batch is done. No other progress can be made until more soup is done.
I don’t go up and down the stairs to take photos unless there are a bunch of ponies to photograph. One or two more soups should do it.
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I just spent over an hour fighting with extremely hydrophobic potting soil and I am annoyed. (Also looks like I wouldn’t have been mowing today anyway, it’s raining.)
It was the bottom of a bag of dirt that’s been here long enough to dry out completely, and that got me thinking that maybe a lot of fine particles settled to the bottom and that’s why it can’t rehydrate. Which I understand but can’t explain.
Anyway, I ended up aggressively straining it with water at the sink, effectively rinsing the dirt part of the dirt and likely most of the nutrients out. I do have a fresh bag of dirt that I’ve topped it off with, so it’s not totally devoid of dirt-dirt and nutrients, and I have that bone, scale, feather, and blood fertilizer.
Anyway I finally said fuck it and made That Guy pay full price for two more of those little face planters at Target. I got the dark one on clearance last summer but the others never did go on clearance. They have some of the baby succulents I’d propagated in them, now. One is the PERFECT size for a pudding cup I had, so I used that one as a cache pot, and the other I had to fill with dirt completely because I don’t have a suitable plastic cup to use as an insert.
I suppose I could move the larger plant from the darker pot to the medium pot and then use another pudding cup in the darker pot with the small baby succulent, but I don’t know if I have the patience for that at the moment.
I’m getting really annoyed with That Guy regarding my plants, though. He gets agitated every time I prune them, separate them, or move them to more suitable containers. When I said I was going to make friends for the older one he begged me not to “hurt” it.
It’s no wonder his pepper plant is struggling.
I also rinsed and strained the dirt the sad, soggy, Happy Bean plants are in because it was from the bottom of the same bag of dirt and equally hydrophobic.
I want to order more silicone trays. They’re great for keeping the windowsill clean while also allowing further drainage from the pots. I do let them sit in the sink on a grate to drain after watering, but sometimes there are still some dribbles.
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And then my stomach was like “You skipped breakfast and I’m going to hurt you, now.” so I’m sitting down and having some breakfast.
I wish I could stop being angry at myself when I drop food. It’s not something I can do anything about and I drop things constantly, but it infuriates me regardless.
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16 years we’ve lived here next month and we’re still getting junk mail for the previous owners. We’ve also lately been getting mail for a Charlie and Karen Rose whom we’ve never heard of.
When their dad died, we were getting mail for That Guy and his sister as though they were married, which was weird. Their dad did some paperwork magic when he was about to lose the house when they were little and made them the owners, and the owners being minors meant it couldn’t be taken by the bank, or something like that, so as soon as their dad died the WE BUY HOUSES AS-IS vultures started sending postcards here.
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I’m getting to the point that I’m ready for Son to leave in the mornings because the noise videos he likes are so horrible that they cause me physical pain. Some sounds do.
That Guy said that as soon as Son has his license he (That Guy) is going to get him an application at one of the local grocery stores that we don’t shop at, and I’m like... Did you ASK Son if he wants to work there? If he doesn’t want to work there he will cause trouble on purpose.
Also, why not me? Why not help ME get a job?
Because then he won’t be 100% in financial control, and if I have enough money to leave him, I will.
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i only noticed last week that i start shaking at the thought of having to talk to others
i always knew my social anxiety was bad. but i only started to notice in recent years ((especially after shutdowns in 2020)) that i almost cant talk to people - literally anyone - at all
it wasnt so bad when i was little. i could kind of socialize with kids my age. id mostly be the one to engage first because i wanted to make friends. sometimes i did it with no problems. other times i was pretty anxious when doing so. i worried a lot how others would think of me and what they would say to me or others. but i was mostly by myself and preferred it that way, even if i did get lonely at times. and if other kids engaged with me, i became very anxious and quiet, and would say very little. there was a kid at a park i went to several years ago in colorado and he came up to talk to me while i was on the swing. i felt bad because i wanted to talk, but i was pretty anxious most of the conversation. i only started to open up more near the end before he had to go
i actually had a much easier time talking to teachers throughout preschool (and daycare) up to some point in high school than talking to any of my peers
i know i always had trouble ordering food at places. i always became too nervous and was almost never loud enough for them to hear me. i shut down easily when i have to repeat myself (something im trying to work on) so relatives had to order for me. my stepdad was really understanding throughout my childhood and would always help me order when we would go to subway. family here is much less inclined to help and doesn't like it at all when i lock up when i have to order. it annoys them, and ive been told repeatedly to speak up and to get over my fear
the last place we went to, i almost immediately whipped out my phone to type out my order after i was initially responded with "what?" because she couldn't hear me, but my family was there and i know they would've gotten upset. pissed, probably. likely wouldve had my phone snatched from me. i always try to speak up so they can hear me and i have to just say what i want without thinking about it to avoid clamming up. but i still am shaking and my face turns red because of embarrassment
especially since shutdowns though, talking to people feels impossible. i dont talk to anyone except friends, but even then we run out of things to say and we sit there in silence. school makes you socialize with others a lot, but id almost never speak unless it was a requirement and the teacher would know when someone wasn't speaking, or if i felt too pressured to speak. most times i would either observe or dissociate. ive only gone out twice to shop for myself since shutdowns; one of the times i stuttered extremely bad and came very close to crying out of embarrassment right there at checkout, the other i could barely bring myself to talk and managed to only get half of a "thank you" out (it sounded like an annoyed mumble when i wasnt annoyed at all. i still feel bad about that)
ive turned around from any place that i start to go to, like food places, because im too anxious to go in and especially terrified out of my mind to make an order. im glad my sibling has become more understanding, they've been asking what i want and then ordering it for me while i pay (i feel bad to be very honest). its with my sibling that i have more confidence, but im still too scared to say anything
and this anxiety is carrying over to how i interact with people on social media! i used to not be so afraid to talk to people. but in the past bit over a year replying to any responses i get has become daunting. ive had to stop talking to friends for several days because im busy or mental health shit, but coming back and sending them anything back immediately feels scary, even if i know them well and they know me well. and i end up making the last time we talked extend to several more days. sometimes weeks... sometimes...months. im not trying to ghost people. and i do not like that sending a message back to anyone makes me shake uncontrollably and sweat like i just ran a 10k at full speed without stopping (idfk)
its bothering me lots especially now in college. social interaction is required for certain assignments and participation. but all i can do is sit there, shaking, heart pounding, unable to talk to anybody. we are all adults there, so we are expected to act as such. my extreme social anxiety doesn't fly there and ill likely be told one day that im acting like a child or i need to get used to talking to people or something to that effect
idk how to end this off
#vent#im actually shaking while typing out this whole thing#to be honest i may just go with my plan of starting to write down my orders before i go places and show them when they take our orders#my social anxiety is one of the many reasons why i do not think im cut out for college and why i dont plan on getting a job soon#i wish i could just 'get over' my social anxiety. i wish i could talk to others especially when i need to#idk how. and its not as easy as just telling me to 'get over it.' that actually does nothing but kind of hurt...#long post
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Gotta vent. Sorry.
Life is so….
I woke up after three hours sleep. I was too worried about things to go right back to sleep, and music wasn’t distracting me enough. I open Tumblr.
The third post I see is one if those damned “helpful” OMG warning signs you have a deadly disease and should rush to a doctor posts. I have an extreme medical “professional” phobia from serious traumas at their hands, no health insurance, no money at all, no local doctors in my rural area (no hospital in the damn county even), no one I can trust to help me……I mean, I haven’t been to a doctor in longer than some of you have been alive, and that was a horrible experience I do NOT want to repeat. Yeah, these helpful post send me into a freaked out spiral of fear.
An e-mail comes in. My reloadable debit card has been declined. New panic! I’d ordered a book, a gift in a way. I’d promised to read Mom this book over the phone as a birthday gift next month, and I’d found it cheap. I can’t afford books for me anymore, but this is for Mom, so I can’t just cancel it.
Frantic I scramble to figure out where the money went. I’m horrified to find out it is all looking legit.
I go to the bank website and move $100 over so I can pay for the book and beginning of the month stuff like my phone.
I see the numbers and my chest hurts, like a fist around my heart.
Today I have to do the shopping because I’m half way through my last bags of animal feed. I start doing the math.
After the animals I’ll have $100 for all my groceries, gas for the car, kerosene for the hot water heater, bandages for my ankle, batteries for the lanterns where I don’t have electricity, mouse poison for where I found the damn rodents had gotten into my storage container of clothes, and everything else. Too much else. I’d skipped everything I could last time, so I am out of everything from trashbags to toilet paper.
$100 and not a penny more for two weeks.
And OMG, that includes Halloween! I need a pumpkin and candy to give out!
Just $100.
I cried.
I get mad at myself for crying. I already got yelled at by someone disgusted and angered by my crying a couple days ago.** I HATE when I can’t keep from crying, even alone.
I felt so much…I dunno, everything. I needed to lash out. A sensible person would break something, but breaking something is stupid when you can’t afford to replace anything. I sure as hell don’t ever want to hurt anyone. So what did I do? Slapped myself in the face as hard as I could.
And geez, it was SUCH a relief! That tells you something. Physical pain is much, much easier than emotional. I’ve said that since I was little.
Sometimes I really miss Pop. I mean, I always miss Pop, but it was so nice to have someone that cared. Mom loves me, but she was never the cuddly one and not great at noticing emotions. She could be impatient with crying, once she finally noticed. Pop though… I got all upset and cried he’d pat my back or head and say “Poor Teffy Weffy” I miss feeling comforted. Loved.
Anyway, so I worried and tossed and turned and cried and worried some more and….
I’ve had three hours sleep. The sun is up. My ankle is already hurting. I have to go do the shopping without enough money, and not feeling up to it.
Damn it, I want to get to have a breakdown and not get out of bed! Just one day in my life I don’t want to get up!!! Or how about have a lazy day and do nothing? A guilt free nap, at least?
I am so fucking sick of making myself go through the motions of being alive, of watching it all drain away between my fingers while trying to laugh about it. Get up, take care of the animals, fix my meals, do my chores, repair endless things, research the day’s new problems….
Busy. Busy. From the moment I get up until the wee hours if the morning when I finally crash, stay busy. No time to think or dream. There is just too much to do!
Work on so many things I can never quite fix but keep trying, always trying, trying, trying, trying…
And failing.
I’m so tired of life.
** It was an awful incident, on a very bad day when I was already sick and in pain. I’d told by my brother they were sending the jelly I’d sent to Mom back, unopened, and no one of the rest of then would eat it.
I apologized to Mom for sending jelly since I didn’t know she didn’t eat the stuff, and she said she actually liked jelly. My brother started roaring at her, shouting at her to not say that, that she was a liar, that she never ate jelly, none of them do, don’t ever contradict him… (BTW, when I was there she ate jelly AND they had opened jelly in their fridge, so saying none of them ate jelly baffled me)
Mom was being yelled at because of me. I begged her to stay quiet to not provoke him, and I could hear his shouting…
I don’t get him. He’s always so… Not like the rest of us in my immediate family. Angry, aggressive, hostile, mean even.
I started sobbing. Guilt at causing Mom trouble. Helplessness to do anything to make things better. Frustration. Despair at how we are bound up, in so many ways at his mercy, and he is not a merciful soul.
Usually I am so good at this. I never cry when I’m on the phone with Mom. I try not to let anyone see me cry, but on the phone with Mom it’s especially important. I don’t want to upset her. She can’t help me, so I have to hide my struggles a bit.
But it’s also because of him. It makes him angry.
He yanked the phone from Mom to say some thing and he heard me crying. Disgust. Rage. He finds tears to be the way the weak manipulate people, a pathetic, scummy way of fighting, an attack on him. He snarled and ended by hanging up in me.
I think the call didn’t last three minutes.
I’d been on the verge of a meltdown for days as life was getting worse and worse, and I was dealing with feeling rotten on top of it. Now I actually wailed. Good thing I was in the woods, though the poor critters must have been terrified by the banshee.
#my day#tired#busy#problems#poverty#exhaustion#I’m really worried about the car BTW#I haven’t been able to afford to take it to be worked on in years#I’m having nightmares about it failing entirely as I deal with problems on my own#ten miles from a grocery store you need a damn car#i hate cars
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organizing some files, thinking about International Lolita Day and just... fell down a bit of a rabbit hole which then turned into an existential crisis....
mah dudes, it's one thing when joke "have DVDs older than you" but ... but... but... have a Gothic Lolita burando piece that isn't just "older than you been into this fashion" (not condescending, plz keep at it!),
*rubs bridge of nose* this was not an EGL Comm Sales nor LaceMarket "vintage"/second-hand buy
THIS WAS BOUGHT BRAND-NEW AT ORIGINAL RELEASE (in dark ages when buying direct-from-Japan needed either u knowing this One Girl on LJ who was going on a trip, or jumping 20hoops for a shopping service! (which was just another lady living in Japan at the time) and hoping they'd spot the piece u wanted) This specific brand, bless, deemed us worthy of international shipping
BUT ANYWAY
rambles are boring, lets look at pretty pictures instead shall we
Meta calls this piece simply "Gingham Check Tiered Skirt" (ギンガムチェックティアードスカート) seasonal collections or pieces getting fancy names that are sometimes absolutely random girl names or bad engrish translation is a fairly new phenomenon, sometimes a literal description is best
✧ 2005 did u think I was kidding about its age
was gifted this lovely skirt, and literally just ... pulled whatever was black/white to wear it out immediately!
Hilariously, getting the big butt-bow tied was A Challenge: he couldn't do it because boys can't bows, I couldn't because can't see what doing behind me, his mom couldn't help because she didn't raise girls so out of bows-tying practice....
✦ 2006 - Disney trip, of course brought it
We did Lilo and Stitch breakfast and Every. Single. Time. Stitch passed me, he'd tug on the skirt's bow
*taps hairbow* made it myself to go with the skirt! (using the very proper GosuLoli Sewing patterns mook no less!)
and every couple years a friend send me his FB memories snap he took of me with Princess Jasmine in this, and we both cry over the date
an otaku pilgrimage stop on drive back
✷ 2007 ya hear of burando~whores? Well have we got a treat then
a full Meta coord: blouse, skirt and headdress!
something something pale vampire
♡ 2008 One Braincell, Much Frills
very smart ladies freezing in the New England snows, send help. Also, as can clearly see, now with a matching gingham headdress (still Metamorphose, this "brand wh0re" business ain't a joke)
and then went on a trip to London and you freakin bet this was packed along!
fondest memory was absolutely fangirling over a life-sized DALEK statue in a bookshop, and someone came up to tell me, "your outfit's brilliant"
♪ 2009 how cool are my loli~friends? We dressed up to go play RockBand and mofo at-home DDR! all you kids with your TikToks and ...and... Zooms.... u will never be this cool
Fun fact: that headdress from before? The tiny bows were detachable! So could use them as separate hairclips for other looks
♫ 2010 - do not think anyone comprehends just how FULL this skirt is! It's 3 gathered tiers, and that bottom one is freakin miles of fabric. Plus the waist ties, and full lining with tulle sewn in
♠ 2011 are you tired of this nonsense yet? 'cause it keeps a~goin!
♢2014 oooh bit of a skip! did own a lot of other pretty dresses, skirt was packed away for a bit
fun fact: am actually freezing in NYC winter outdoors.... we went to see a play staring Sir Ian McKellen & Sir Patrick Stewart!!
and finally 2022, on the most freakin FREEZING negative-degrees day in January we went out for honeytoast and I was like .. ya know what... oldskool coord!
is my skirt old enough to drive? ... yes... yes it is....
As always, hope everyone enjoyed and for the love of Mana, don't do the math... OMFG plz don't even try to math this one out
Not writing up coord break-down, other "brands" featured are in no particular order: Fan+Friend, Baby the Stars Shine Bright, rando shit from HotTopic and Kohls (or as the kids say "off brand"), LipService, Bodyline, Secret Shop, Innocent World, AnnaHouse and a bunch of cute Etsy jewelry bits
#egl fashion#Gothic Lolita#plusSize Lolita#old school lolita#metamorphose temps de fille#lolita Fashion#GosuLoli#メタモルフォーゼ#ロリータファッション#ゴスロリ#disclaimer: contains me#loli fashion history#coord#frills#Boston Lolita Society#ha! i called us “Fashion Club” back in the day#sure made it easy to explain when randos on street would ask why all the outfits#i miss having hobbies
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-CLOSED-
I am literally a foot in and out of the spirit world (born clairaudient and medium), and as such, was ordered by my grandmother (spirit guide) to stop doing pendulum readings for people and myself. It is too dangerous.
I’ve been feeling bad because I love using my gift to help others communicate with their spirit guides and ancestors (even without pendulums), but I can’t do that anymore. So I’ve been wracking my brain to think of some other way I could help others, one that I am a natural at and could actually help.
Turns out I’m good at water scrying! Should have known, as I’m a water witch and have connected with water my whole life.
I actually had tried candle scrying, but it just wouldn’t work and the flickering was dangerous for my epilepsy, even if flickering doesn’t necessarily affect me as much. So yeah, fire didn’t work.
Water, though…..wow!! I started out by trying to get things ready, experimenting with crystals and such, helping me prepare and find out what was best. I did it!
I finished my own reading a few minutes ago and what happened was the images popped up in my mind, as I was staring at the water. Like I saw them in the water, then they would pop in my mind. Thanks to this, I have learned some good possibilities about my future.
It’s not future telling, that’s not entirely possible because of free will. BUT you will get a general sight and learn what you may well be doing. It can give you that boost. You of course still have free will.
For me I am going through something with someone, and I wanted to know how and what I’d most likely be doing soon.
My answer: I saw a TV screen, with me watching on my stomach. Smiling!! 😲 Then I saw me putting my phone on do not disturb so that I could sleep better. I saw myself getting up earlier but only every so often since it’s difficult in my position. I saw myself in the car, smiling in the passenger seat, pulling out of the garage to go shopping with my mom. 😲
Well I’d say this is something I can do now that I’m not allowed to use pendulums to do readings. Even chatting with other people’s ancestors (without the pendulum) for the purpose of readings, is a no-no from grandma. Ugh.
Anyway, I’m still getting used to scrying, but if anyone wants to let me practice on them, let me know! You can send an ask or DM me. Just give a name, and I will give you whatever I see!
#witch community#witchblr#witchcraft#witches of tumblr#baby witch#beginner witch#witches#water witch#divination#scrying#psychic gifts#psychic#free readings
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