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kirwell · 8 months

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my advice to the writers out there

I'm writing this instead of my book right now,, cause intrusive thoughts

I’m someone who likes to look around for writing advice to get new perspectives and helpful tips and ideas from other writers. But sometimes I’d hunt around for validation from videos to see if I was “doing things right” with my own book, and I can’t tell ya how damaging that’s been for me in the past on my writing journey.

While taking advice and constructive criticism is good and progressive and can help you see things from another perspective to better your writing, I also can’t stress enough to take things with a grain of salt when it comes to other people's opinions on genres and tropes.

Has someone else written something like my story before? Probably yeah.

Are there tropes in my story that have already been in other books/other media? Oh yeah, I don't doubt it.

Are some people tired of seeing certain themes and settings in stories? Sure. Everyone is into different things.

Does that mean my story shouldn’t be written at all, and I should just write something else instead? Hell fuckin no, yo !

I love my story because I’m telling it the way I WANT in my own style, my own characters, and with my own messages that I want to tell. Putting your heart and soul into your writing is a real thing ya’ll, and that will stand out.

I love high fantasy stories with medieval themes, magic, fantastical worldbuilding, great adventures, and grand quests with a party of characters I can love and relate to. I love wizards, elves, fairies, demons, and all the things you imagine when you hear “classic fantasy.” That genre has always inspired me and brought out the most creative side of me.

So when some people say, “Don’t write that,” or “Don’t write this,” because it’s been touched upon before and nobody wants to read that anymore, it would bum the hell outta me.

So should I NOT write my own story and share it because a part of it fits into a familiar trope within the genre? Does that mean my story shouldn’t ever be read and that it’s inherently not good?

If you have a story to tell, and you wanna tell it, then write it! It’s your book, it’s your story, it’s your characters, and you’re allowed to enjoy what you’ve created.

Take constructive criticism, be flexible, and be open to learning and changing, like you would with any other skill. I wouldn’t be where I’m at in my writing capability today if I had never listened to advice and practiced over and over again.

But don’t let anyone take away your creativity!

Changing the whole theme of your story because it may not appeal to some readers or publishers is the most ridiculous, damaging thing I’ve heard. There will always be people who won’t wanna read what you’ve written, or publishers who aren't interested, and that’s okay. That’s to be expected with anything creative. But if you like something, write it, and don’t let others say you shouldn’t. It’s damn near impossible to be 100% original in every aspect of your story and avoid every single used trope, if that’s even possible to do anymore these days. Trying to be perfect will drive you insane.

Personally, the more you try to “change this” and “change that” in order to check off your originality boxes, the less happy you’ll be with your work. That's been my experience, at least. I went through a lotta versions of my book to fit what writers in their videos were telling me it should be in order to be accepted and appreciated, and I wasn’t happy with any of it and felt really stuck.

Try and find the right kinds of videos and communities that’ll inspire you, encourage you, and help ya in places where you’re falling short. Some channels can really suck out all of your creativity and make you second-guess everything you’ve created, wondering if your story will ever be good enough.

A setting where a character or a group has to go on an adventure to fulfill a certain goal is something I really like, and to be told that specific trope is dull and overdone was discouraging on a whole other level. Why should I write this if nobody even wants to read it?

I’ve had to stop watching channels in the past because this idea was preached so much and I believed it, and it was depressing reading comments who felt the same as me.

“I gotta rewrite my whole story now.” “Oh no, my story is like this!” “Guess I shouldn’t write about that in my story.”

Please don’t give up on your stories because of personal opinions on a genre or a trope! We all have opinions, likes, dislikes, and prefer different things. Nothing is set in stone.

For me, a story is about the journey and what the characters go through and how they make me feel. If you wanna write a vampire love story with witches and werewolves and a love triangle, go for it! If you wanna write a story about a school for magical creatures in a fantasy world, go for it!

Make a story YOURS and don’t be afraid to tell it! Someone out there will love what you’ve made and it’ll inspire them just like you were inspired. Write for YOU and for all those people who love what you love and will wanna read the fuck outta your book!

,,I hope this was actually useful advice for someone out there. Cause this is something I wish someone would have told me years ago. Now go write and have fun with it !

#I hope this helps somebody out there #writer advice I wish someone gave me years ago #is any of this coherent?#I feel like im giving salty vibes here- but I don't mean to #just wanna encourage people to write what they love #and not get to swept away by others opinions #ya feel?#writer rant #writer problems #writing advice #writeblr #creative writing #fiction writing

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chainofclovers · 3 years

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Ted Lasso 2x8 thoughts

I am so lucky that the creators of Ted Lasso decided to make this entire show specifically for me. #blessed

If last week felt like a bit of breathing room (albeit tense, poignant, character-progressing breathing room) with distinct narrative lines, this week’s episode was a chaotic yet tightly-written swirl of pain and hope and sadness! No neat subject headers for this one, y’all. Just my brain and heart in the inadequate form of a bulleted list. It is the medium available to me at this time.

I am going to remember the moment when Ted calls Sharon and tells her his father killed himself for the rest of my life.

(I could say a bunch of stuff about his face and what he says and how he tries to hide his tears from Beard right after and how insanely much I adore this character and ahhhhhhhh but I’m just going to leave that scene there in our collective memories.)

Jamie. JAMIE. Higgins has given some great advice about love on this show, but his musings about his up-and-down relationship with his own father were not helpful in the context of Jamie’s dad, who is an abusive piece of shit. I really adore that all of the main AFC Richmond staff members are realistically a bit hit-or-miss with their advice and life philosophies (some are mostly miss this season, of course).

And I am completely in awe of the moment when Jamie punches his father. The way he just stands there after Beard kicks his dad out of the locker room. The way you can hear a pin drop. And Roy—Roy who is learning in so many areas of his life about his influence on people, learning that the things he needs aren’t necessarily the same as the things other people need—is the one to cross the room and hug him. Hold him, really, with the tenderness Ted used when he hugged Rebecca outside the gala in 1x4. God.

I’ve thought a lot about how s1 was about giving people a soft place to land. There’s always an angel there when you need one. There’s always an opportunity to be kind. If you look for someone, you find them. If you look for the good in someone, you find the good. And as everyone works through their individual journeys in s2, that can’t always be the case anymore. But there are still so many moments of angels on this show, and it’s not about chance and serendipity and fate [not that it was about that in s1] but about the effort it takes to become someone who can be there for someone else. Or who can be there for yourself. I’m so proud of Jamie for physically fighting back against his father. I’m so proud of Roy for being the one who recognized what Jamie needed.

I have every feeling in the world about how Ted is almost totally frozen both times (s1 and s2) he witnesses Jamie’s father abusing him. In s1, he was still there for Jamie after, and I have every reason to believe he’ll be there for Jamie after this incident as well, but that frozen stance HURTS. He’s in so deep with his pain about his own father that it’s like he physically cannot snap out of it to act in the moment. It seems entirely outside of his control, and it breaks my heart, because Ted wants so badly to be a good father, a good coach, a good friend, a good partner, a good patient. He’s there for people in all kinds of ways, even in his current less-than-capable state. He takes care of Sharon post-concussion and even gets her a new bike! During the disastrous match at Wembley his coaching is ineffectual and everything is chaos but he’s the last one standing on the pitch! But this really awful thing keeps happening to Jamie and Ted is just…frozen in the face of it. Like one of those nightmares where you’re running in place.

The frozen-in-place nightmare also kind of applies to the way the total separation between Ted and Rebecca feels, too. I have never for a moment doubted the writers’ intentions in setting these characters up as soulmates on parallel journeys, and I’m actually really digging (on a story level) how disconnected they are right now. It is IMPRESSIVE that their absence in each other’s lives feels like such a glaring loss, one we cannot forget even as there are so many other things happening onscreen. It is 100% not just shipper goggles making me process information about Ted while thinking about Rebecca and information about Rebecca while thinking about Ted. I know there are a lot of really angry and frustrated people in the fandom right now (both T/R shippers and T/R antis and non-shipping fans who don’t get why s2 is different from s1) and while I understand being frustrated by choices characters make, and frustrated by the feelings the show makes us feel that we just want to feel more of or less of, I continue to agree with pretty much every narrative choice happening right now.

Agreeing with the narrative like this?! This is such a unique experience for me as a viewer—to feel like I’m on a ride that is at once absolutely wild and incredibly sensible and well-crafted, and to feel simultaneously completely invested and anticipatory and speculative but also totally willing to trust where it goes. I long for Ted and Beard to really talk. I long for Ted and Rebecca to stop missing each other. I long for Roy to have a serious conversation with Ted about what’s happening with him. I long for Keeley to find a vocation, something that drives her beyond her projects. I long for so many things! But I wouldn’t long for them if this show was less good. If the show was less good, I wouldn’t have a wish list a mile long because I wouldn’t be so attuned to the details and potential lurking in every scene. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SHOW, I CANNOT HANDLE IT, I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

(To that end, a great deal of the Ted Lasso tag and so many Twitter reactions reactions to the show feel super stressful right now and I am kind of just trying not to look?! I love this fandom so much because of the amazing conversations that happen and because of brilliant fic and because there are some awesome people I never would have encountered were it not for this show. That little bubble is wonderful and I’d stay in this fandom no matter what in order to keep experiencing those things. But fans’ catastrophic reactions to every little thing that happens, every little choice a character makes that isn’t the “perfect” choice? The takeaway that the writers—on this show of all shows—wake up in the morning ready for another day of torturing shippers rather than another day of writing a beautiful story they genuinely want to write? I do not enjoy those parts at all. I would like to opt out of those parts. I’m having such a magical experience watching this show and talking about this show and listening about this show and writing about this show with a variety of people who feel all kinds of ways. I truly wish I could somehow transfer the energy of this experience onto all the people who are hating it right now. I don’t mind at all that people are having vastly different reactions to this show and are sharing their honest feelings, including the really angry ones (I can appreciate something and disagree with it!), and I get that sometimes the language of fannish reactions is intentionally, ironically hyperbolic. But there feels like this very serious trend of people legitimately thinking writers on this show are targeting shippers and have lost respect for their characters, and I just feel like an alien from another planet when I see that stuff. I guess I just feel like people make art because they want their art to be visible to other people and to themselves, but that doesn’t typically involve specifically catering to or torturing a subset of that audience?)

I am more fascinated by Sharon Fieldstone than ever before. I have been running through every single action with her and Ted so many times. The confirmation that she’s living in club-provided housing (that could not look more different from Ted’s club-provided flat). Ted clearly noticing the many bottles. Sharon’s face while she tries to casually recycle them. (Sharon could legitimately have a more problematic relationship with alcohol than Ted does, and I find that extremely interesting and am very curious to find out what happens there.) Sharon leaving him voice notes while she’s concussed, probably because she’d been thinking about him shortly before the accident. The way Ted calls her and does all the funny voices and it’s not frustrating like all the times he uses his silliness and allusions to deflect during their prior conversations because this time, those behaviors are just a part of him showing care for another person. The way they stretch each other, and Ted is still wrong about the things he’s been wrong about, but they both grow all the same.

While it is pretty much impossible for me to imagine that this show would include an actual romantic relationship between Ted and Sharon (it would be beyond unethical even if they could write it well, and Sharon in particular is so professional and committed to her work, and it would erase so much of the powerful message about the importance of seeking therapy from a professional who is not your friend or partner, and I would totally hate it), watching this episode was the first moment I had this queasy little feeling that it’s possible that Ted could end up developing really complicated feelings about Sharon since, at this point, he’s been honest with her about things he’s hardly spoken about before and you can really form an attachment to people you feel safe with in a new way. (I mean, I’m sure Michelle knows what happened with Ted’s father, but I’m not even certain if Beard does.) He’s so broken right now, and Sharon is such a great person and so different from anyone else in his life (even though Rebecca is also different, and Beard is also different, and Roy is also different, and so on), that I could see things getting really fuzzy for him. I continue to have faith in the way the storylines on this show are handled. I’m just. Putting this here.

(In saying that, though, I also wanna make it really clear that I don’t just automatically assume anytime a new female character is introduced that they’re going to end up becoming a romantic complication. Like, Phoebe is allowed to have a teacher who is an attractive woman and AFC Richmond is allowed to have a sports psychologist who is an attractive woman and Keeley is allowed to talk to Jamie Tartt without it threatening what she has with Roy and all these people can exist as human beings without the introduction of romantic drama.)

Isaac gives every player one haircut per season, OH MY GOD. The JOY during the haircut scene. YES.

KEELEY AND REBECCA. Their text thread. The affirming video call right before Rebecca goes into the restaurant. The way Keeley sits all snuggled up against Rebecca in her office.

I was pretty thoroughly spoiled for the Sam and Rebecca plot through 2x8, and I was bracing for something far more problematic and tortured than what happens in this episode. The words I would use to describe their scenes: awkward, cute, cringy, and understandable. There are a million reasons why this relationship isn’t sustainable, but I felt completely understanding of both their choices here. This show has a lot of thesis statements, but I keep going back to the idea from 2x1 that there are people who enter your life to help you get to the next point, and I think it’s entirely possible that Sam and Rebecca will mutually be that for each other.

I find comparisons between Rupert and Rebecca super upsetting. There are absolutely meaningful things to say about the irony of ending up in a situation with an uncomfortable resemblance to certain taboo elements of an ex’s situation. But that ex is abusive and manipulative and cruel and Rebecca has exhibited NONE of those behaviors, and it makes me really sad to think that people feel that the writers on this show have betrayed Rebecca in giving her this storyline.

As always, I reserve the right to keep blathering about this show. I’ve had a headache for a couple of days, but my head is also so full of 2x8 thoughts that I couldn’t keep them in even if the circumstances for writing this were not ideal. I kind of hate that I’ve included frustrated fandom thoughts within the analysis of what I felt was an absolutely gorgeous, complicated, heartbreaking, near-perfect episode of television, but if ya can’t be a little dramatic on your own tumblr while you’re feeling raw and under the weather, where can ya?

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #meta by me #ted lasso 2x8 #a lesbian watches ted lasso #cw: suicide mention #cw: alcohol abuse mention

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interact-if · 3 years

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Day 2 of Pride Month interviews! You know them, you love them…. give it up for Ames!

Ames, author of Attollo and Metamorphosis

Pride Month Featured Authors

“…and it was a singular, terrible thought, which burrowed itself into your mind like an engorged maggot. This was not a man nor a monster. This was a concept, an ideology, a terrible myth, which had personified itself to stand before you now.You were, to put it simply, screwed.”

After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend.

Too bad it’s never so simple.

Demo: Attollo, Metamorphosis (TBA)

Tags: cybernoir, thriller

(INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!)

Q1: Tell us a little bit about your project(s)!

Attollo is a cyber-noir horror set in a walled city off the coast of the Atlantic that’s been a victim of a nuclear disaster. After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend. Too bad it’s never so simple. Attollo is a 17+ game that deals with heavy topics and a lot of moral questioning; from cults to corrupt government, it has no shortage of monsters in the dark—both metaphorical and literal.

Metamorphosis is a crime/horror story based in the world of crime scene cleanup, where there are three simple steps: Get the call, clean the scene, and don’t ask too many questions. These are the rules that you live by under the employment of Noctua’s Crime Scene Services, and you credit them for keeping you alive.

However, after a routine house call brings forth nightmares of memories that are not your own, you find yourself pulled deeper into Noctua—a city of both monster and man—in a bid to find out the truth behind the murder of Deirdre Callow, and better yet, how her memories came to be yours. Your job mandates that you don’t dig too deep—but could this finally be the exception?

Metamorphosis is 18+ and will have explicit content; follow the last moments of a stranger to find out not only who took her life, but how this connects to the underbelly that Noctua works so hard to hide.

Q2: Why interactive fiction? What drew you to the medium?

Lmaoo, oh man. I think it really all began last summer when I first found examples of interactive fiction. I don’t even remember how I came across it, it might’ve been that I saw it mentioned in a post or I saw it as a tag on Itch.io, but at some point, last summer I began to investigate it more. I think what really drew me in was the ability for the player to control the narrative; it was like playing an old RPG, but modernized, and the fact that I could see a story unfold that was influenced by my decisions was so fascinating to me. Not to mention that IF allows so much more character depth than regular novels, in my opinion.

I’m 99% sure my first exposure to interactive fiction was through the game Crème de la Crème (a fantastic game, by the way) and I just enjoyed it so much that I went haywire for the genre. Then Temple of the Endless Night came out (another fantastic game that I’m looking forward to!), and that was really the turning point for inspiring me to give it a go. Now, almost a year later, here I am working on my own two games!

Q3: Are your characters influenced by your identity? How?

My bisexuality doesn’t have much of a major influence on the game, but I do think it contributed to the way that I view and write relationships. I figured out my sexuality around high school (I kissed a girl in high school and found out I liked it just as much as when I kissed a boy) and since then I’ve been very involved in the LGBTQ+ community of both my hometown and uni town.

I think this involvement, like being able to hear about other people’s experiences and share my own, has made me feel a lot more comfortable writing some of the characters in the game. Although Attollo and Metamorphosis both don’t focus heavily on relationships (both have murder in them, which I feel is a bit more pressing), I do keep the option for any RO’s to be romanced by anyone, regardless of gender or preference, because that’s simply what I’ve become so attuned to. In terms of side characters relationships as well, I think my involvement and my own experiences have allowed me to write far more diverse relationships than I might have, and I think that this has also allowed a more fulfilling experience for players when reading through.

I also have incorporated some struggles that I’ve faced before because of my identity into the games. For example, I and a few others have faced issues with religion due to who we are, and I incorporate this into both games. Dreamwalker, Pariah, and Sysba from Attollo all have shadows of this experience in their character origins, and Ilali and Ariston from Metamorphosis has a major point involving identity and beliefs. Both games also have undertows of ostracization and division between groups, which is also something I’ve experienced in the past. Being able to grapple these moments and control them via a narrative has been eye opening for both myself and others involved, and I’m hoping it can be a learning experience for the readers as well.

Q4: What would you like to see more of in LGBT+ fiction?

I think, now, the amount of progress in LGBTQ+ fiction is expanding at a wonderful rate. There are so many interactive fictions with options to select sexuality, select gender, select beliefs, etc. However, despite this expansion, there’s still a good deal of backlash against some aspects of LGBTQ+ fiction.

For example, as a bisexual woman who has dated men, I know there are some individuals who may not consider me a part of the LGBTQ+ because of this aspect. Not only is this incredibly disheartening, but it’s a viewpoint that I think should be educated against, and fiction is a fantastic pathway to do this. Another example I can think of is a friend of mine who identifies as asexual but is sex-neutral rather than sex-repulsed. Most people can’t believe her when she says this, and she often faces backlash for this declaration as well. This is another thing that I think that, with exposure through a medium such as fiction, can be worked on.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think LGBTQ+ fiction can be a brilliantly educational platform—if used right. Although it already teaches so much with what it has, I think having that representation of different subgroups of sexuality, of their experiences and beliefs, so people can become aware and knowledgeable of these options, is something I’d like to see more of.

Q5: What or who are some of your biggest inspirations?

Oh man, I struggled to list off inspirations because I know I have some, but as soon as someone asks me who they are my brain just goes ‘brrrrrr’ LMAO.

In terms of the games that I write and the worlds that I build, I think David Lynch and Robert Chambers are probably the two that I somehow incorporate. Attollo and Metamorphosis both have a lot of surrealist horror, which are what these two really specialized in. Shirley Jackson is also another person who inspired me a lot when it came to the writing and creation of Attollo, especially the intrapersonal relationships between the characters.

In terms of life, this is something else I really struggle to answer. I don’t really have celebrity inspirations or anything like that, but I do get inspired by my close friends and sister a lot. Seeing them go through the struggles that they face and absolutely thrive really drives me to push through my own struggles. They’re the strongest, most brilliant group of people that I know, and I consider myself incredibly fortunate that I can be a part of their lives. Not only that, but we also all collectively encourage each other to push further and to chase our dreams (as cheesy as that is LMAO) and that’s something that I think is another stroke of good fortune. I struck gold when I met them, and they’re some of the biggest inspirations in my life.

Q6: What’s a super vague spoiler for your current project?

For Attollo, I’d say ‘Home is where the heart is.’ For Metamorphosis, to quote John Berendt, ‘Always stick around for one more drink.’

Q7: Lastly, what advice would you give to your readers?

What advice would I give to you all? Oh my, I’m not exactly a wise woman here, but I’ll do my best to give you something lmaooo. I think what I really want you to walk away with, from both my stories and this interview, is that if you’re passionate about something, then share it with the world. Don’t let anyone deter your passion.

I remember listening to this painter once who commented to his friend how he ‘really liked painting’, and his friend’s first response was ‘but are you good at it?’. He then compared this to the scenario of walking; would you say, ‘but are you good at it?’ to someone who said, ‘I really like walking’? No, because it simply wouldn’t make sense, and it doesn’t make sense to say that to anyone who’s doing something out of passion.

To put it simply—if you love something, then don’t let anyone take that passion from you. I began writing these stories because I’m passionate about Attollo and Metamorphosis; I love each character, each bit of lore, and I share it with you because I want you all to enjoy it as well. Am I the best writer? God, no. Does everyone like what I write? Definitely not. But will I let this stop me from writing, from enjoying what I’m doing? Never, and I want you to do the same.

Explore your passions, embrace your passions, and let what makes you happy continue to do so

#if: events #Pride Month 2021 #pride month #queer authors #queer fiction #queer creators #interactive fiction

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samwisethewitch · 3 years

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Coping with religious trauma

CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA RECOVERY, AND HOMOPHOBIA. The advice in this post is intended for an adult audience, not for those who are legal minors.

A lot of people find their way to paganism after having traumatic experiences with organized religion, especially in countries like the United States, where 65% of the population identifies as Christian. (This number is actually at an all-time low — historically, the percentage has been much higher.) Paganism, which is necessarily less dogmatic and hierarchical than the Abrahamic religions, offers a chance to experience religion without having to fit a certain mold. This can be extremely liberating for people who have felt hurt, abused, or ignored by mainstream religion.

To avoid making generalizations that might offend people, I’ll share my own story as an example.

My family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as the Mormons, when I was nine years old. The Mormons are an extremely conservative sect of evangelical Christianity that places a heavy emphasis on maintaining a strong community that upholds their religious values. The problem with that is that Mormon values are inherently racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic. As a teenager in the Mormon Church, I was told that as a woman, my only purpose in life was to marry a (Mormon) man and raise (Mormon) children. I was discouraged from pursuing a college education if it meant delaying marriage. I was not allowed to participate in the full extent of religious ritual because I was not a man. I was not allowed to express myself in ways that went against Mormon culture, and I kept my bisexuality secret for fear I would be ostracized. I didn’t have any sort of support system outside the Church, which inevitably made the mental health issues that come with being a queer woman in a conservative Christian setting much, much worse.

I left the Mormons when I was seventeen, and by that time I had some major issues stemming from my time in the Church. I had been extremely depressed and anxious for most of my teen years. I struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia. I had very low self-esteem. I had anxiety around sex and sexuality that would take years of therapy and self-work to overcome. I wanted to form a connection with the divine, but I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of such a connection.

I was attracted to paganism, specifically Wicca, because it seemed like everything Mormonism wasn’t. Wicca teaches equality between men and women, with a heavy focus on the Goddess in worship. It places an emphasis on doing what is right for you, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. It encourages sexuality and healthy sexual expression. Learning about Wicca, and later other types of paganism, helped me develop the kind of healthy spirituality I’d never experienced as a Mormon. Although Wicca is no longer the backbone of my religious practice, it was a necessary and deeply healing step on my spiritual journey.

I’m not sharing my story to gain sympathy or to make anyone feel bad — I’m sharing it because my situation is not an uncommon one in pagan circles. The vast majority of pagans are converts, meaning they didn’t grow up pagan. Some had healthy upbringings in other faiths, or no faith at all, and simply found that paganism was a better fit for them. Others, like myself, had deeply traumatic experiences with organized religion and are attracted to paganism because of the freedom, autonomy, and empowerment it offers.

If you fall into this latter category, this post is for you. Untangling the threads of religious trauma can be an extremely difficult and overwhelming task. In this post, I lay out six steps to recovery based on my own experiences and those of other people, both pagan and non-pagan, who have lived through religious trauma.

While following these steps will help jumpstart your spiritual healing, it’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process — especially healing from emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma. You may have relapses, you may feel like you’re moving in circles, and you may still have bad days in five or ten years. That’s okay. That’s part of the healing process. Go easy on yourself, and let your journey unfold naturally.

Step One: Cut all ties with the group that caused your trauma

Or, at least, cut as many ties as reasonably possible.

Obviously, if you’re still participating in a religious organization that has caused you pain, the first step is to leave! But before you do, make sure you have an exit plan to help you disengage safely and gracefully.

To make your exit plan, start by asking yourself what the best, worst, and most likely case scenarios are, and be honest in your answers. Obviously, the best case scenario is that you leave, everyone accepts it, and all is well. The worst case scenario is that someone tries to prevent you from leaving — you may be harassed by missionaries or concerned churchgoers, for example. But what is the most likely case scenario? That depends on the religious community, their beliefs, and how involved you were in the first place. When making your exit plan, prepare for the most likely scenario, but have a backup plan in case the worst case scenario happens.

Once you’ve prepared yourself for the best, worst, and most likely outcomes, choose a friend, significant other, or family member who can help you make your exit. Ideally, this person is not a member of the group you are trying to leave. Their role is mainly to provide emotional support, although they may also need to be willing to run off any well-meaning missionaries who come calling. This person can also help you transition after you leave. For example, you might make a plan to get coffee with them every week during the time your old religious community holds worship services.

Finally, make your strategy for leaving. Choose a date and don’t put it off! If you have any responsibilities within the group, send in a letter of resignation. Figure out who you’ll need to have conversations with about your leaving — this will likely include any family members or close friends who are still part of the group. Schedule those conversations. Make sure to have them in public places, where people will be less likely to make a scene.

If you feel it is necessary, you may want to request that your name be removed from the group’s membership records so you don’t get emails, phone calls, or friendly visits from them in the future. You may not feel the need to do this, but if contact with the group triggers a mental health crisis, this extra step will help keep you safe.

Of course, it’s not always possible to completely cut ties with a group after leaving. You may have family members, a significant other, or close friends who are still members. If this is the case, you’ll need to establish some clear boundaries. Politely but firmly tell them that, although you’re glad their faith adds value to their lives, you are not willing to be involved in their religious activities. Let them know that this is what is best for your mental and emotional health and that you still value your relationship with them.

Try to make compromises that allow you to preserve the relationship without exposing you to a traumatic religious environment. For example, if your family is Christian and always spends all day on Christmas at church, offer to celebrate with them the day after, once their religious commitments are over.

Hopefully, your loved ones can respect these boundaries. If not, you may need to distance yourself or walk away altogether. If they are knowingly undermining your attempts to take care of yourself, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

During this time, you may find it helpful to read other people’s exit stories online or in books. One of my personal favorites is the book Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. Hearing other people’s stories can help you remember that other people have been through similar situations and made it out on the other side. You will too.

Step Two: Seek professional help

I cannot overstate the importance of professional counseling when dealing with trauma of any kind, including religious trauma. Therapists and counselors have the benefit of professional training. They are able to be objective, since they’re approaching the situation from the outside. They can keep you from getting bogged down in your own thoughts and feelings.

I understand that not everyone has access to therapy. I am very lucky to have insurance that covers mental health counseling, but I know not everyone has that privilege. However, there are some options that make therapy more affordable.

There may be an organization in your area that offers free or low-cost therapy — if you live in the U.S., you can find information about these services by checking the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine or visiting mentalhealth.gov. You can also look for therapists who use a sliding scale for payment, which means they determine an hourly rate based on the client’s income. And finally, if you have a little bit of extra cash you may want to look into therapy apps like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which are typically cheaper than in-person therapy.

If none of those options work for you, the next best option is to join a support group. Support groups allow you to connect with other people whose experiences are similar to yours and, unlike therapy, they allow you to get advice and feedback from multiple people. These groups are often free, although some charge a small fee.

Finding the right group for you is important. You’re unlikely to find a group for people recovering from religious trauma but, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may fit right in with a grief and loss group, an addiction recovery group, or a group for adult survivors of child abuse. If you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you may be able to find a queer support group. (The LGBTQ+ club at my college was an invaluable resource in my recovery!) Depending on your area, you may also be able to find groups for specific mental and emotional issues like depression or anxiety.

Make sure to do your research before attending a meeting. Find out what, if anything, the group charges, who can join, and whether they use a curriculum or have unstructured sessions. See if you can find a statement about their values and philosophy. Make a note of where meetings are held and of who is running the group. Some support groups meet in churches and may or may not have a religious element to their curriculum. It’s best to avoid religious groups — the last thing you need right now is to be preached to.

Getting other people involved in your recovery will make you feel less alone and prevent you from getting stuck in your own head. A good therapist, counselor, or support group can help you realize what you need to work on and give you ideas for how to approach it.

Step Three: Deprogramming

“Deprogramming” refers to the practice of undoing brainwashing and reintroducing healthy thought patterns. This term is normally used in the context of cult survivors and their recovery, but deprogramming techniques can also be helpful for people recovering from a lifetime of toxic religious rhetoric.

To begin the process of deprogramming, familiarize yourself with the way organizations use thought control to shape the behavior of their members. I recommend starting with the work of Steven Hassan — his BITE model is a handy way to classify types of thought control.

The BITE model lays out four types of control. There’s Behavior Control, which controls what members do and how they spend their free time. (For example, requiring members to attend multiple hours-long meetings each week.) There’s Information Control, which restricts members’ access to information. (For example, denying certain aspects of the group’s history.) There’s Thought Control, which shapes the way members think. (For example, classifying certain thoughts as sinful or dirty.) And finally there’s Emotional Control, which manipulates members’ emotions. (For example, instilling fear of damnation or punishment.)

Here’s a simple exercise to get you started with your deprogramming. Divide a blank sheet of paper into four equal sections. Label one section “Behavior,” one “Information,” one “Thought,” and one “Emotions.” Now, in each section, make a list of the ways your old religious group controlled — and maybe still controls — that area of your life. Once you’ve completed your lists, choose a single item from one of your lists to work on undoing.

For example, let’s say that in your “Information” column, you’ve written that you were discouraged from reading certain books because they contained “evil” ideas. (For a lot of people, this was Harry Potter. For me, it was The Golden Compass.) Pick up one of those books, and read it or listen to it as an audiobook. Once you’ve read it, write down your thoughts. Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? Why do you think your group banned it? What was in this book that they didn’t want you to know about? Write it down.

Once you’ve worked on the first thing, choose something else. Keep going until you’ve undone all the items on your lists.

If you want to go further with deprogramming, I recommend the book Recovering Agency by Luna Lindsey. Although this book is specifically written for former Mormons, I genuinely believe it would be helpful to former members of other controlling religious groups as well. Lindsey does an excellent job of explaining how thought control works and of connecting it to real world examples, as well as deconstructing those ideas. Her book has been a huge help in my recovery process, and I highly recommend it.

Step Four: Replace toxic beliefs and practices with healthy ones

This goes hand-in-hand with step three, and if you’re already working on deprogramming then you’ll already have started replacing your unhealthy beliefs. This is the turning point in the recovery process. You’re no longer just undoing what others have done to you — now you get an opportunity to decide what you want to believe and do going forward. This is the time to let go of things like denial of your desires, fear of divine punishment, and holding yourself to unattainable standards. Get used to living in a way that makes you happy, without guilt.

Notice how each step builds on the previous steps. Therapy and deprogramming can help you identify what beliefs and behaviors need to be adjusted or replaced. Your therapist, support group, and/or emotional support person can help you make these changes and follow through on them.

These new beliefs and practices don’t have to be religious — in fact, it’s better if they aren’t. If you can live a healthy, happy, balanced life without religion, you’ll be in a better position to choose a religion that is the right fit for you, if that is something you want.

Your new healthy, non-religious practices may include: mindfulness meditation, nature walks, journaling, reading, exercise, energy work, learning a hobby or craft, or spending time with loves ones — or it might include none of these things, and that’s okay too. Now is the time to find what brings you joy and start doing it every day.

Step Five: Ritual healing

This is an optional step, but it’s one that has been deeply healing for me. You may find it helpful to design and perform a ritual to mark your recovery.

Note that when I say “ritual,” I don’t necessarily mean magic. Rituals serve a psychological purpose as well as a spiritual one. They can act as powerful symbolic events that mark a turning point in our lives or reinforce what we already know and believe. Even if you don’t believe in magic, even if you’re the least spiritual person you know, you can still benefit from ritual.

You might choose to perform a ritual to finalize your healing, or to symbolically throw off the chains of your old religion. It can be elaborate or simple, long or short, joyful or solemn. It might include lighting a candle and saying a few words. It might include ecstatic dance. It might include drawing or painting a representation of all the negative emotions associated with your old religion, then ritually destroying it. The possibilities are literally endless. (If you’re looking for ritual ideas, I recommend the book Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile.)

One type of ritual that some people find very empowering is unbaptism. An unbaptism is exactly what it sounds like — the opposite of a baptism. The idea is that, if a baptism makes a Christian, an unbaptism makes someone un-Christian, no longer part of that lineage. It is a ritual rejection of Christianity. (Obviously, this only applies if you’re a former Christian, though some of the following suggestions could be adjusted to fit a rejection of other religions.)

If you’re interested in unbaptism, here are some ideas for how it could be done:

A classic method of unbaptism is to recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards under a full moon. (For a non-Christians version, use a significant prayer from whatever religion you have left.)

Run a bath. Add a tiny pinch of sulfur (a.k.a. brimstone) to the water. Get into the bath and say, “By water I was baptized, and by water my baptism is rejected.” Submerge your entire body under the water for several seconds. When you come back up, your unbaptism is complete. (You may want to shower after this one. Sulfur does not smell good.)

The Detroit Satanic Temple has a delightfully dramatic unbaptism ritual. For a DIY version, you will need holy water or some other relic from the faith you were baptized in, a fireproof dish, a black candle, and an apple or other sweet fruit. Light the candle and place it in your fireproof dish. Toss some holy water onto the flame (not enough to extinguish it) and say, “I cast my chains into the dust of hell.” Take a bite of the apple and say, “I savor the fruit of knowledge and disobedience.” Finally, declare proudly, “I am unbaptized.” You can add “in the name of Satan” at the end or leave it out, depending on your comfort level.

Personally, I’ve never felt the need to unbaptize myself. I’ve ritually rejected my Mormon upbringing in other ways. Maybe someday I’ll decide to go for the unbaptism, but I’ve never really felt like I needed it. Likewise, you’ll need to decide for yourself what ritual(s) will work for you.

Step Six: Honor your recovery

Our first reaction to trauma is to hide it away and never speak of it again. When we do this, we do ourselves a disservice. Your recovery is a part of your life story. You had the strength to walk away from a situation that was hurting you, and that deserves to be celebrated! Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!

You may choose to honor your recovery by celebrating an important date every year, like the day you decided to leave the group, the date of the last meeting you attended, or the date you were removed from the membership records. Keep this celebration fun and light — get drinks with friends, bake a cake for yourself, or just take a few moments to silently acknowledge your journey.

If you feel like having a party is a bit much, you can also honor your recovery by talking to other people about your experiences. Share your story with others. If you’re feeling shy, try sharing your story anonymously online. (Reddit has several forums specifically for anonymous stories.) You’ll be amazed by how validating it can be to tell people what you’ve been through. `

Another way to honor your recovery is to work for personal and religious freedom for all people. Protest laws with religious motivations. Donate to organizations that campaign for the separation of church and state. Educate people about how to recognize an unhealthy religious organization. Let your own story motivate you to help others who are in similar situations.

And most of all, take joy in your journey. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, but know that your recovery is a lifelong journey. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. You are doing what is right for you, and no god or spirit worthy of worship could ever be upset by that.

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dreamylyfe-x · 3 years

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I think you're right that Ian isn't intending to give Mickey an ultimatum (although their plotline in that episode description on amazon prime is literally "Ian gives mickey an ultimatum", lmao) but I do think it has the same effect, at least how mickey is interpreting it. I do think Ian is clearly manic in that episode, the way he slams his hand on the table when he says "because!", for instance, feels very in line with how Cam had been portraying him for the rest of the season. And because of that, and the eagerness with which he beats up Terry, I think we could interpret Ian as asking mickey to come out at the bar that night, consequences be damned. Or it could just be him laying down a boundary. What he wants from mickey in that exact moment is completely open for interpretation. Season 4 is so brilliant because in contrast to season 3b, where all of their relationship was told exclusively from Ian's perspective, in season 4 Ian's story is told from mickey's perspective, as he and the audience puzzle over why his behavior is so dramatically different. We can't really know what he's thinking.

So what did Ian expect from Mickey exactly in that moment? It's a question I think about a lot in terms of the wedding too. Ian is so optimistic it hurts after they have sex in that episode - I really can't even imagine what Mickey refusing to get married and/or coming out at the wedding would have looked like. Couldn't put my finger on why I get this instinct, but I think chances are much greater that they would have died. (Ian isn't great at picking moments to dramatically confront Mickey, but Mickey never really gives him much choice, eh?) Both characters had to experience season 3 to get to 4x11. Ian's fear all throughout season 3 has given way to rage, rage that fuels him to run towards terry beating mickey in 4x11 where he ran away from it in 3x06. And Mickey being unable to get Ian to stay, having to confront his feelings for him through the pain of losing him, made him completely unwilling to go through that again. Regardless of what Ian expected from Mickey in that scene, it's clear how mickey is choosing to interpret it. Ian's just going back home, but to mickey he might as well be leaving for the army the next day.

So I think only the prospect of losing Ian again enables Mickey to come out the way that he does, in this extremely dangerous situation. I guess my question to you is - would he have come out at all if Ian hadn't established that boundary? Did he need to be forced to choose, or would Ian have eventually been able to keep gradually coaxing him? I think Mickey seeming to accept that Ian's family is pretty much on to them is encouraging, but you're right, what the hell was he planning on doing about Terry? I'd love to read an alternative coming out scene fic some day, but that scene is too good and the alternatives probably too depressing for anyone to want to write it.

Hey! These are all great points. You’re right, the “because” is really jarring... I do think Ian might always be pretty eager to beat up Terry.

The same effect element... Yeah, and that’s why I understand the use of the word “ultimatum” -- but at the same time, when you have this kind of crisis in a relationship where something is a dealbreaker for one party it just functions that way. I am a little addicted to Reddit relationship advice subs and that fight rages in the comments all the time. “She’s giving him an ultimatum” “She’s telling him what her expectations and boundaries are!” -- and all of that has me a little intense about the term. Conventionally, ultimatums are bad and boundaries are good. But a boundary definitely suggests there is an expectation that, if not met, means the end of the relationship. I do think intent matters a lot and one thing that I feel is not talked about much is how unwilling Mickey is to actually engage the conversation. So I get why it escalates. it’s hard to talk critically about Mickey’s side without it being interpreted as an attack on him -- but I do think Ian’s reactions are fed by the fact that Mickey isn’t willing to engage any conversation about what’s happening. He just wants to go “do this thing” and then pick up where he and Ian left off.

Which is *exactly* what he was saying when he got married. And Ian didn’t say “don’t get married or I’ll join the army” but he did beg Mickey not to do it and when he did... Ian left and joined the army.

That key question -- does Mickey come out without this pressure -- is a good one and I’d love to hear what other people think. But for me? That answer is “probably not. Or not for a good long while.” -- The ask that sparked this whole thing (I think) was me considering what happens if Mickey doesn’t come out, and my answer was “if Ian is around, he comes out.”

And if Ian isn’t... Then I think he doesn’t. There’s no carrot. This is why I said a few times that Ian loving Mickey is key to the whole equation. not in a “saviour” way, but as a part of Mickey’s journey. If being gay -- For Mickey, whose father has literally pistol whipped him and forced him into being a husband and father over the issue -- is JUST about who he’s attracted to, I don’t see why he WOULD come out. It’s like when people advise kids whose parents will disown them over their sexuality to wait until after college to come out. For Mickey, he should come out when he gets out of the dangerous situation. And when the heck does that happen without Ian?

Being with Ian is the reason to come out. Ian can't stand a half-measure with Mickey (and I do think that’s very sincere. I don’t think Ian can stand to watch Mickey be someone else’s husband) and Mickey doesn't want to lose all the things that his relationship with Ian gives him. Sex he can get -- but he wants the friendship, the affection, the connection and the love he gets from Ian. Enough to literally risk his life.

I had a conversation with @whaticameherefor a few days ago about how The Alibi is kinda the safest place for Mickey to come out. Because he has witnesses and Kev is there to call the cops. There really is no safe place for him while Terry isn’t in prison. Which again, doesn’t mean this isn’t all the things about it that are problematic, but Mickey survives this because the cops show up and haul Terry off again.

Anyway! I actually have two fanfic plans that involve this question so I can’t say much more without getting spoilery. But I am so interested in this question and love hearing from people about it. Loved everything you had to say. In the end, Mickey’s coming out scene is EPIC. Raise your hand if you can recite the entire “Guess What We’ve Been Doing Daddy?” scene by heart.

#asks #that first ask was dangerous material #but I love how much stuff has come out of it #also trying to figure out why some anons can send a short essay and others can only send a brief paragraph #it seems inequitable #thank you anon for this great commentary #I am trying to figure out if you're Canadian....#shameless season 4 #shameless 4x11 #Gallavich meta

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vidavalor · 3 years

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Can we talk about how Sam is as useless at this as Bucky is, really, and it’s massively sweet?

Yeah, I’m writing about Sam because we all love us some brainwashed, century-old assassin endless array of hurt/comfort here but this idea that Sam, because he’s a therapist and not always a crying, nightmare-sweat-drenched mess, is Captain Got It All Together is not truth... because this poor broken-hearted kitten absolutely does not and it makes him so much more of a better-realized, fuller character...

I’m not trying to wade any ship wars here or any fandom strife over the Bucky slant to fic/sometimes erasure of Sam here... I love both of these characters equally and ship them but my point here is that I think that because Bucky’s trauma is more well-documented and, for lack of a better word, “flashier”, that some people might think Sam looks perfectly well-adjusted. By comparison, he probably is but this other, quieter story happening with Sam is necessary reading here if you’ve been sleeping on the complexities of one Sam Wilson that aren’t the ones the show is focusing on more explicitly relating to his lived experience as a Black man in America. (They’re not completely separate either but not only this part of his life.) What do I mean, exactly?

Been wondering how these two are falling in love but can mainly just get it from Bucky’s POV because Sam is awesome and Bucky is sad and need love? Not sure what Sam is getting out of his relationship with Bucky? Not totally sure you ship it but leaning that way? Yeah, pull up a seat because this thing I wrote after Ep 5 here (so spoilers through that) is basically an old-school ship manifesto at this point but comes at SamBucky/WinterFalcon from Sam’s side, rather than Bucky’s. (I have nothing *against* Bucky. I just think you’re missing half the goodness of this show and half the surprisingly tender romance of all of this if you are not focusing on Sam as much as Bucky.) If this interests you, then read on, being forewarned that it’s a little long...

So... Sam Wilson is a sweet, kind, warm-hearted, empathetic, drop-dead gorgeous superhero soldier flying military veteran therapist... whom the canon suggests is Bucky Barnes-level obsessed with his dead former partner (in some sense of the word), Riley. You thought it was just Bucky with the angsty past love? Oh no... oh, no no no....

Consider that Sam’s been back in Delacroix twice now in TFATWS and not once has his sister-- who adores him and who knows everyone in town-- suggested that she call up any one of the at least ten decent single people she has to know who live in the area to take her f*cking *dreamboat* of a brother out. Forget the show putting Sam in like twelve pieces of canon and not throwing a single human (not named Bucky) at him and what that implies-- we all know that Sarah wouldn’t care what kind of human her brother was attracted to and yet she and the entire community of Delacroix can’t seem to find this guy a date. He’s sweet and hot and an Avenger but our Sam’s a monk, you guys... More to the point... they don’t even try. They know better than to try anymore... which says a lot.

Going back awhile now, when Sam met Steve, he was still this equally dreamy and he didn’t even have any Avengers-related problems getting in the way of his potential dating life. He had a normal job working for the VA in DC. Yet, he clearly was seeing exactly no one and while I am willing to admit that pretty much any human would drop everything and follow Steve Rogers around the world, it’s clear that Sam wasn’t seeing anyone at the time because his life was able to be dropped in a second and he also had that file with Riley’s photo at the ready, man. At. the. ready...

He responded to the opportunity to follow Steve with no less need when it came to his own post-trauma-of-war identity as Bucky does. This isn’t to say that Sam is *as* lost as Bucky because it would be hard to out-do the once-brainwashed assassin who has been alive for a hundred years but Sam saw all sorts of hell. He’s a therapist for veterans because he’s had to get beyond *his own* PTSD and he’s really aware of how that is a journey that doesn’t exactly ever end. It gets significantly better and he knows how well it can-- that’s why he can tell Bucky that there is hope of that-- but it is very clear that Sam Wilson is still suffering his own kind of PTSD and his own grief for the death of a guy who likely couldn’t love him the way he needed him to.

I know we don’t know a ton about exactly what Sam and Riley were but I think there is enough to infer that they probably actually weren’t a couple. For one thing, Sarah never mentions him and even if the show wanted to be vague about things, they could phrase it like “it’s been forever since you brought back someone to the house, haven’t met any of them since Riley” or something. There are ways to infer that they were a thing and the nature of it, if the show wanted to do that but all they have suggested so far is that Sam was in love with Riley. We know he and Riley were friends and worked on the Falcon suit project together but what we are getting out of what they are giving to us is that Sam loved him but it’s not clear that they were even a couple. I’d even say the picture of them that he shows Steve and Natasha is supposed to evoke that they weren’t a couple-- it’s of Sam looking at Riley, smiling like he’s the moon and the stars, while Riley is smiling but just a bit and he’s looking at the camera, not at Sam.

In other words, remember Miller’s analogies from school? Sam is to Riley as Bucky is to Steve. I just offended every person reading this who thinks that Steve and Bucky weren’t an unrequited thing *ducks* but I feel like we’re supposed to take from what they give us that Sam knows a little something about being mad for a guy who thinks you are his best buddy but doesn’t look at you in a romantic or sexual way and you feel like you’re dying over it. Sam gets Bucky because Sam *is* Bucky when it comes to this.

If Sam and Riley were just the best of friends, Sam still would have mourned him greatly but it would not necessarily have impacted his love life the way it seems like it might have. I’m not necessarily saying there was no one but this is a man who even when it felt like Steve Rogers-- whom Sam obviously found attractive-- seemed like he was making Sam question whether or not he was coming onto him or just super-nice and making a new fellow veteran friend... even when that was happening, Sam’s response was that he didn’t hate it or anything and he was willing to help Steve with what he needed in this friendly, advice-giving sort of way and maybe they had a thing, who knows, but it was clear that Sam-- a guy who has to be hit on *all the time*-- wasn’t really used to the idea of there being someone in his life. So, he wasn’t letting anyone into his life. He would have had the chance, no doubt. He was choosing not to. Why would you choose not to? If you were grieving the loss of a man you couldn’t get over and you thought that you weren’t ever going to love anyone like that and maybe having someone wasn’t going to happen for you.

Like, imagine Sam’s surprise when The Winter Soldier turns up, nearly kills them all, disappears and they go on the run and he starts hearing Steve’s confessional stories about the guy who was his best friend and in love with him and Steve has literally never said those words aloud because they’re from the *1940s* and he’s felt guilty all this time for hurting him. Steve’s the kind of guy who would feel guilty for not being in love with someone who was in love with him. That’s when Sam, who thought he had more in common with Steve, realizes he’s actually *Bucky Barnes* in this story. He’s the damn Winter Soldier in the Steve-and-Bucky version of him and Riley.

That is how Bucky evolves from “the kind of guy you have to stop” in Sam’s mind to the guy he’s hanging out with in every fight and snarking over the car seats with. He’s like yeesh, I thought I had a few years of this ungodly pain and that was bad... this poor bastard’s been in love with a Riley who could and probably will live until he’s a hundred and thirty. Sam starts getting into this whole antagonist origin story of The Winter Soldier here because he realizes that one wrong move-- one case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time-- and he could have been captured during the war he was in. He could have been tortured like that, so easily, and he knows what it’s like to be tortured by love in that way.

Bucky, for his part, when he begins to get his mind back and more fully remember Steve and his past, takes one look at Sam and is thinking like... that poor SOB... oh, look, it’s 21st Century Me. So, you fell for Steve Rogers, huh? Welcome to the club. We meet every Tuesday at two to discuss being the pining best friend in love with a guy who, in all likelihood, is attracted to both of us but unless Tony Stark can shake loose a bit of the freak in The Star-Spangled Man With a Plan, we’re not getting anything but a most earnest and sincere friendship out of this (and if Stark can’t, no one can....)

Like, Bucky’s Steve love is pretty pure. He wants him to be happy. He’s hurt that Steve doesn’t love him the way he loves Steve but he does love him as his best friend as well and wants him to have what he wants out of life. If that’s going back in time to Peggy Carter (who wouldn’t, really?) and leaving him behind then, fine. He wishes he were still here but he’ll deal but he’s going to be keeping an eye out for the other guy left behind-- Steve’s new modern era best friend person. Bucky’s so gone over keeping Steve safe that he can’t even resent Sam’s presence-- he’s thrilled he exists. Someone good to look after Steve when Bucky couldn’t! Sam Wilson is heaven sent and must be protected at all costs! So frequently from some kid with webbed fingers, apparently!

Sam, meanwhile, is challenged by the dilemma that Bucky appears to think that they’re in the same boat while Sam, who for sure had a little crush on Steve as who doesn’t, has really come to realize that he is far, far more into the tragic one here. He’s so irritated about it. It would be simpler if he just fell for another blond soldier with red, white and blue blood who couldn’t love him. At least he’d just be completely hopeless then but the brainwashed one? The one that thinks he’s horrid but is so good that he can’t even bring himself to be that jealous of Sam when he clearly thinks Sam is sleeping with the guy he’s loved for years?

Oh, Sam’s gone on that one...

Bucky’s still a mess then so it’s harmless enough to just pretend he’s not writing himself into touch-starved Bucky fanfic in his own mind here but when Bucky keeps saving him in different fights? When he catches him looking once or twice. When the bickering is really flirting and Sam knows he means it that way, too? When the poor guy just gets his mind back, they all reunite and go to one battle and then the two of them disappear and miss *five years* of their lives? When then, soon after, Steve is gone, too?

When it begins to feel like *they* are now the story and meant to go through the rest of these things together? I mean, when everyone else is all on about the fate and destiny of it all-- Stark’s big sacrifice being the one way to save everyone, Doctor Strange going on about all the possibilities of the universe on a saving the world level but it so personal to the people Sam and Bucky know, Steve choosing to go back in time because he can and be with the woman he loved and never got to have...

...standing there in the funerals and aftermaths of all of this together, by virtue of being Steve’s Friends Who Aren’t Really Part of This Gang Exactly... are Sam and Bucky. What are the odds that they are supposed to be the rest of one another’s story? Sam was wondering it. He for sure hadn’t felt like this since Riley... he might not have really ever felt it at all before.

Can we just admit that while there’s been some guys in the past-- and it could be rephrased as ‘some people’, as while Sam is written to suggest he’s at least into men, he could be into people who don’t identify as men as well-- but there’s not been someone who has been able to love him the way he’s loved them.

He’s from the South and Black and the show taps into the racism he’s been through as a result. Not obviously in Delacroix, where he feels safe and seen, where people care about him and don’t care that he is not straight, but in other parts. He’s been in the military, where homophobia is still pretty rampant and it’s a culture of a lot of heterosexual machismo. (Hell, the show even has a kind of walking, talking example of a guy everyone knows was the epitome of that kind of culture, even if he’s been broken by that world, too-- John Walker.) It’s not even really clear if Sam is out and, if he is, to whom. He seems to be the kind of person to want to be himself as much as possible and Sarah likely knows because they are close but I’m not so sure that a lot of Sam’s military buddies actually did. He really strikes me as the guy who gets along with everybody and whom everybody loves-- but whom few people actually *know* because he keeps himself (all of himself, not just his sexuality) private from others...

...which is also a hell of a lot like one Bucky Barnes.

Guaranteed they became such fast friends not just from being sort of left with one another in the aftermath of Steve and their attraction but because Sam was amazed to find that Bucky was actually pretty funny and Sam just kept talking to him because while he has-- or had, anyways, before he ran off with Steve-- a ton of people he’d consider friends, he doesn’t really have anyone he’d consider to be a close friend and hasn’t since Riley. Bucky, just still stunned to be free of mind control and that there was another human being talking to him instead of looking at him as a weapon to program to kill, was eager to listen to and absolutely thrilled when he could find something sarcastic to say to make Sam laugh that surprised laugh and light up.

These two damaged couple of guys spent most of this show and the months before it just terrified by how much love they were feeling for one another and were very happy to let any conflict they could get in the way of it-- any excuse to claim they weren’t feeling totally seen and run for the hills back into their own trauma.

It’s not just Bucky doing this. He might have been the one not returning the texts at the start, the one who seemed to be withdrawing more, while Sam was texting him still to check in on him but how quickly that began to flip around by Episode 5.

Suddenly, the brave one is Bucky. It was Sam for the first few episodes-- he was stil trying and so hard, despite not getting what he needed in return and Bucky still sending signals that he wanted him but was happy to still revel in being too damaged and scared to try harder. By Episode 5, though? Bucky’s not only learned to trust himself again, it is proven to be what he was afraid of: not being able to protect and love Sam the way he wanted to and that Sam would leave him. Triggered by the shield as a metaphor for not caring about Bucky, not having a reason to still pursue him, Bucky thought he had successfully pushed Sam away and that Sam would really stop texting because to not do so would be to admit to one another that they wanted to be around one another and this wasn’t just about Steve/Captain America. By Episode 5, Bucky shows up in Delacroix not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but with eyes only for Sam and is every one of Sam’s favorite Bucky Barnes fantasies come to life.

It’s now Sam flipping out. Would you have expected the Sam of the first two episodes to be a babbling mess in the face of a flirty Bucky stretching and claiming it’s time for him to go get a hotel room? To try to be playing it cool but winding up asking him to stay forever and telling him he likes his tight t-shirts in the middle there? To get so nervous that he suddenly is babbling about six toes and flirting with Sarah, showing how jealous he was of Bucky just... smiling and being this guy Steve had said was under there but that Sam had only had small glimpses of so far? If he was gone for the broken Winter Soldier... he’s wrecked by a single smile from this Bucky.

This is the same guy who spent the first few episodes confident to a point of near-cockiness, loving flirting with and teasing Bucky, the one that seemed more well-adjusted and in control of himself. Overall, he is but there’s something there when Bucky shows up and White Wolfs Sam into a sputtering mess who is sending him little glances, as if they’ve switched bodies from the first few episodes. It shows *just how much* Sam is comfortable with Bucky and how rare it is for him because he would react differently to Bucky’s more overt flirting of Episode 5 if how he is with Bucky was his default in life. Instead, we see that some of it is posturing-- it’s the Sam equivalent of lifting heavy things and using power tools. His is the humor (what’s a better aphrodisiac than making the Winter Soldier laugh or flirt back or blush?) and the bicker-caring. We even see where it comes from, in a way. Sam is a soldier-- he knows how to help other traumatized soldiers and when we saw him in his VA group session when we met him, we saw him using that kind of machismo world and its language to communicate with the soldiers in the group. The difference for him with them versus him with Bucky is that he’s also flirting with Bucky. The buddy cop thing is intentional-- it’s Sam’s strategy, it’s been Bucky’s choice to respond to it and they’re playacting it as how they talk because it’s been easier than admitting that they are completely gone on another and just want all the soft things.

Up until recently anyway and now Sam’s reeling from a man he’s fallen in love with showing up and loving him back. Don’t think for a second that Bucky doesn’t know enough by now to know that it’d totally undo Sam but the surprise of it to the audience only really exists if you don’t think Sam and Bucky have anything in common besides their now-gone mutual friend. In reality, they’re endgame.

#tfatws #sam wilson #sambucky #bucky barnes #thefalconandthewintersoldier #marvel #bucky #buckysam #winterfalcon

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blackberry-gingham · 3 years

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hello! 💕 i love your writing so much, your imagines are always so well done. and i was wondering if you could do an imagine abt the boys finding out and comforting you abt your self harm (it’s always been kind of a touchy subject to me and i’d love to see how you think they’d react) much love 💕✌🏻

TW: Mentions of Self Harm/Cutting and Blood

Hm, well I can try... I'm going to be honest, this is a little gritty for me and I don't really have much experience with this topic aside from personal stories from those around me, but I'll do my best.

These imagines are going to focus basically 100% on the boys reactions and how they'd care for you, so it won't be like super in depth on the actual self injury.

Oh and one last thing, I don't think I could be comfortable posting this without giving the reader the ending they deserve for a scenario as serious as this, so if you notice the endings are a bit repetitive, just know that's intentional.

---

George

The first thing he smells is the blood

He was on his way to relieve himself, when the stench of it flooded his nostrils, even from down the hall

Immediately George jumps into fight or flight mode, his heart beating in his ears

The only other person in the flat is you

He calls your name, urgently, but not yelling just yet

The door is on a crack when George arrives

You did it on purpose. You know you want to be found, but you don't know what to say...

George knocks gently and calls your name again, "Is everything alright?"

All this time you've been trying to pull yourself together, but the concern in his voice breaks you

"G-george...", You trail off sobbing bitterly

It's all the permission to enter he needs

You're curled up into yourself, sitting in the tub. It's empty, but George's razor is laying on the side

Sobs wrack your half naked body and all George can think to do is hold you

He climbs into the tub with you, paying no mind as the drops of blood stain his dress pants

"I'm here, I'm here..."

George holds you in a tight hug and lets you cry into his shirt

He notices the open cuts along your flesh and suddenly he puts two and two together

However, he doesn't say anything about it, instead he waits until you've calmed down a bit

Once you're ready he helps you up and sits you on the toilet

As gently and respectfully as he can, he asks what's going on

George gives you time, and you work up the courage to talk to him about it as he dresses your wounds

He listens to everything you have to say, and when you're all cleaned up, he does everything he can to make sure you're taken care of and as relaxed as can be

Once you're asleep, George shoots John a call and asks for advice on how to best help you

John advises that he should've taken you to a doctor if the wounds were that bad, but George promises to try and ask you to go in the morning

It takes a lot of courage from you, but you agree to get your injuries seen

Once at the doctor, they recommend some therapists for you

George encourages you to get the treatment you deserve, and does anything at all that he can to support you through the process

John

It's the end of a long day, and John has just freshened up for bed

But first, he's off to take his medication and grab a cup of water, just like every night

He approaches the kitchen, then slows down to listen

There's a distinct hissing and grunting coming from around the corner

At first he's just confused

He knows it must be you, but what on earth are you up to?

John turns the corner and flips on the light, and that's when his heart drops

You're leaning against the counter and the utensil drawer is open

In your hand is a steel steak knife

It's dripping blood

You're entire arm is covered in gashes, and you don't look very well

John doesn't waste a minute on words, instead he jumps right to action

He restraints you in a bear hug, pinning your arms to your side

Probably not the best reaction he could've picked, but he simply can't risk you doing anything that might make you lose more blood

You drop the knife and scream, your knees buckling under you

You're hurting

Ashamed

Frustrated

Afraid...

You burst into a violent fit of sobs, shaking so badly, John has to readjust his grip

He sinks slowly to the floor with you and you lean against him limply

John does his best to give you some reasurance, and tell you that everything will be alright, but he knows you can't stay here

In a flash, he grabs his boots, wallet, and keys and takes you to the hospital

You lose consciousness on the way there, but luckily with some fluids and a blood transfusion, you pull through

John waits a few days until you're healed to talk about that night with you

He's gentle and careful about his words, but he implores you to give therapy a try

You absolutely deserve it after all

He recommends the one he sees, but of course you can have anyone you wish

John does everything he can to support you in your healing journey and helps you see it though

Paul

After a day of recording Paul comes home on the look for you

He's got a nice little evening planned, maybe a movie and some takeaway to unwind

What he wasn't expecting, was to hear you sobbing and screaming behind a locked bedroom door

He calls your name, and pounds on the door, terrified that someone is in there with you, hurting you

You don't respond, only continuing to cry

Paul can't wait any longer, you need him now

His first instinct is to try and break the door down

He give a few shoulder charges, but to his frantic frustration, it doesn't seem to be doing much

"Paul, stop!"

At last you speak and Paul obeys

Tears are already streaming down his eyes, he's so scared and confused for you

Hesitantly, you unlock the door, terrified and ashamed to reveal your secret

There's a bit of blood coming from your scalp, and little patches of your hair are missing

More blood can be found under your nails, and that's when Paul notices the scratches on your arms

You don't say anything, instead more tears escape you as you quietly cry

But you don't have to say a word, Paul figures out what he needs to himself

He takes you in his arms and consoles you until you know you're safe

Paul's spent enough time hearing about John's therapy sessions to have a decent education on things of this sort

He asks if he can take you to a doctor, just to make sure nothing gets infected and that your injuries can be properly treated

You agree and get taken care of, but before you're cleared to go home, you and Paul discuss therapy options with the doctor

There's plenty of options for you to take a route to healing that you're most comfortable with, and Paul is proud of you every day and every step, for being strong enough to get the help you deserve

Ringo

All Ringo can see is how terrified and in pain you are

He doesn't notice the cuts and the blood until after

And by that point, he feels hysterical with anxiety

He's so overwhelmed with both the desperate desire to help you, and the crushing confusion of what to do that he's frozen

After a moment, he snaps out of it and rushes to your side

He's crying nearly as much as you are, which understandably only makes you twice as upset

Ringo asks you what he can do, desperate for some sort of guidance

But you can't respond, you're too overwhelmed yourself

For now, he resorts to just holding you

It's the only thing he can do to try and calm himself and not upset you any more then he already has

Once he's had some time to collect himself and think, he does his best to help with your wounds

He's already ruined his shirt with blood, so screw it

He takes it off and tears it into bandages, administering them where needed and talking to you all the while

It takes longer then you'd have liked, but eventually you're able to calm down, even after the stress Ringo unintentionally put on you

"There now", Ringo's voice is shaking, but he's doing all he can to keep it together for you

He's finished apply his shirt bandages, "You need a proper doctor love... Do you think you can do that?"

You bite your lip, trying to hold back another bout of tears, but you nod

That's all Ringo needs to hear

He helps you up and takes you straight to the doctor

While you're being treated, he calls the lads, whoever will listen, and tries to get reasurance that he did this right

John scolds him for upsetting you, but otherwise tells him he was right to get you a proper doctor

Before he hangs up, he strongly advises Ringo to, gently, ask you about seeing a therapist

Ringo swears it, and holds to his word, making sure to stay calm and be respectful of your emotional state when he asks

You decide that that is what you want, and the two of you discuss local practicioners with the doctor

All the while that you're on your healing journey, Ringo does everything he can to educate himself on anxiety, depression, and triggers in order to be more helpful for you along the way and in the future

#the bealtes #tw blood #tw self harm #tw cutting #john lennon x reader #george harrison x reader #paul mccartney x reader #ringo starr x reader #beatles imagines

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clairvoyantsam · 4 years

Text

#JUSTINDESERVEDBETTER talk & 13 Reasons Why S4E10 thoughts

So ... I’ve already watched the series finale, did it right after episode 9 but it was hard for me to watch and write my thoughts simultaneously because I was ugly crying the whole freakin time. Thus, I’m posting this now. Haven’t cried this much in a LONG while. My heart is fucking broken. I’m gonna start by talking about my favorite character whom the show did SO. FUCKING. DIRTY. JUSTIN FOLEY DESERVED BETTER. (obviously, OBVIOUSLY, it was gonna be MY favorite character who gets screwed over and dies a horrible death, just my luck, why did I expect a happy ending, I don’t even know).

Justin was the most tragic figure of the show. Raised by a junkie mother who never gave a damn about him, sexually molested as a little kid by one of her many drug addict & violent boyfriends, he often went to school dirty and hungry because of the neglect. He never had a positive influence in his life. He only managed to do better with Bryce’s help (Bryce was a bastard but he did care about Justin in his own way, that’s for sure).

After the events of S1 with Hannah’s suicide and the tapes and everything that happened with Jessica and Bryce, he left his abusive home and lived in the streets where he barely ever found food and what money he got from charity or the men who paid (and hurt him) to use his body, he gave to drugs.

In S2, Clay and Toni, found him and saved his life, helped him get back on his feet and he tried his best to set things straight with everyone. He even saved Clay’s life who came so close to killing Bryce and even worse himself. He didn’t hesistate to face the legal consequences if it meant helping the girl he loved. And Clay eventually became his brother as his parents decided to adopt him.

In S3, he started going to school and doing well, got a job, tried to start his life over, this time in a safe environment with a real family and friends who supported him. He was doing exceptionally well, he looked much happier, he finally felt what it’s like to be loved by a mother and father and a brother and he got some sense of normalcy in his life. He was there for Clay when things got bad, believed in him and he had his back ALWAYS. (still emo about their scenes together where they told each other “I love you” & “I’d do ANYTHING for you”), Plus, he was one of Tyler’s biggest supporters stating Tyler deserved a second chance to be better.

Come S4 ... he’s fresh out of rehab, looking better than ever. His friends welcome him when he gets back but everything is different. EVERYTHING. And everyone has changed. THE ENTIRE SEASON, NOBODY, NOT A SINGLE PERSON gave a fuck about him except for the coach and to a point his adoptive parents. He had done so much progress, he wanted to make his new family proud so bad, he was clean, he was doing great at school, he even got accepted into college!!! And what did he get in return???? NOT ONE OF HIS FRIENDS HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONCE, NOT EVEN ONCE. Every time he tried to approach someone or help THEM deal with their problems, he was turned away and even insulted. They would tell him he shouldn’t be giving advice and that he would never change who he used to be. He confessed to the coach that he felt like nobody believed in him and frankly?? NOBODY SHOWED THEY DID!!!!!!!! Jessica brushed him off all the time because she was MAD he broke up with her so he could FOCUS ON HIS HEALTH!!!!!!!!!! WHAT??????!!!!!!!!! She kept parading everywhere with Diego when she knew this was hurting him deeply. Clay was so fucking MEAN to him and I didn’t understand WHY after their great bonding their previous two seasons. Sure, he had his own problems, but there was NO reason for this, absolutely none. He was jealous of the moments Justin shared with his parents and how he was doing well at school and sports and got accepted in college. He even told in his FACE that Matt and Lainie are his parents ALONE, not Justin’s when he knew Justin’s biggest need was to feel the love and warmth of a family. Justin wanted to go to a free college so that Clay could have the money go to the BEST one and so the Jensens didn’t have to spend any on him. And I’m 100% sure he never told them how sick he was until it was too late because he didn’t want to be a burden so he decided to die quietly and slowly without upsetting them. Clay had the NERVE to pin the positive drug test on Justin when Justin was fucking CLEAN and then went on to smoke POT at that party. It broke my heart in 1000000 pieces when Justin asked him why he hated him so much. Zack wasn’t better either, basically telling Justin that he’d be a junkie his entire life and he could never change. The others mostly didn’t give a flying fuck, focused on nobody else but themselves and stayed far away from him the entire season. His mom died of OD and he didn’t tell anyone but the Jensens and Jess and he had to deal with everything all on his own again. He only had the coach to listen and there was a limit to what help he could give. So, he finally broke. He stopped caring since nobody was giving him a chance, he started using again, he lost his job, he didn’t care about anything. Jess and Clay knew he was using again and did NOTHING to help except tell him “Hey, I thought you quit! I thought you were getting better!”. Wow, BIG HELP, ASSHOLES. They all left him alone on prom night, and Clay SAW how sick he looked but he preferred to go to prom rather than stay with his brother who needed him.

Justin, with what little strength he had left, got dressed and went to the prom towards its end, he looked so beautiful in his suit, like Prince Charming. He lived one last carefree moment with the girl he loved and then he collapsed. And THAT’S when everyone said “OH, NO! Let’s go see our sick friend!”. Well done, now he IS DYING, YOU IGNORANT IDIOTS. Now that he’s at death’s door, you want to be there for him but WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE WAS SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO LIVE?????????? Yes, it was proven that he had HIV, probably from the time he lived on the streets and without the proper care it went on to become fully AIDS and he had numerous other issues with his health as a result of that and the drugs to the point that he could no longer breathe on his own. BUT. Had he shared his problems and told the Jensens how sick he was feeling for so long, his death could have been prevented. I know someone in real life who got HIV in his 30s and he’s now in his 60s and his life is perfectly fine. He has friends, he has family (didn’t get married), he travels, he does what he wants. Justin could have been saved if someone had NOTICED. Like HANNAH could have been saved if someone, ANYONE was paying attention. Needless to say, I fucking died during his scenes in the hospital, it was so hard to watch him waste away in that hospital bed. When they took the tube out so he could say his goodbyes to Clay, Jess and his adoptive parents ... I LEGIT haven’t cried so hard in SO long ... I still have a headache from all the crying. My poor CHILD, he was scared but he told them all how much he loved them and eventually died in his sleep, holding his brother’s, Clay’s hand. The episode was meaningless after that for me. I only watched to see how everyone’s stories would end, even though I didn’t care and knew that they’d get their happy (mostly) endings. The one character who TRULY deserved the best and happiest ending, got royally fucked and buried six feet under while everyone went about their lives like nothing had happened.

I really don’t have much to comment on the rest of the story. Clay did one final extreme act by walking in the police department, saying he had a gun. Not convinved he didn’t really want to die too after Justin but perhaps his psychologist was right and he was just trying to make people notice he was hurting. I’m happy for Toni for doing what’s best for him and deciding to accept the scholarship and go to college, same goes for Tyler, he deserved to be happy and I’m glad he ended up with Estella. Relieved that Jess and Diego tested negative for HIV but disappointed they were ready to get back together so soon after Justin. Winston decided to not use what he found out about Bryce’s death against Alex and the others and that made me respect him a little bit. (Winston and Ryan btw? hehe, I kinda saw it coming ever since I saw Ryan and Courtney at the graduation-did anyone also notice Bryce and Monty in the crowd too??lol). Liked the graduation and Hannah’s little cameo (although it was archived footage) but it left me with a sour taste because Justin wasn’t there among the rest, only as a ghost in Clay’s mind. Also that Heidi girl talking to Clay, uh, SO cheesy and unnecessary. Clay reading Justin’s college essay with Justin’s ghost in their bedroom and seeing how it was all about him and Justin calling him his brother ... IT DESTROYED ME. UTTERLY AND COMLETELY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME. WHY WOULD YOU KILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHARACTER OF THE SHOW. THE MOST COMPLEX AND DAMAGED ONE. WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE A HAPPY ENDING LIKE THE REST OF THEM. IT’S FUCKING UNFAIR.

I’m glad the final scene was just Clay and Toni driving away, always enjoyed their friendship. Having no word exchange between them was pretty powerful because you only needed to read their expessions to feel the emotions.

All in all, a powerful season who dealt with so many important issues, well directed and full of action but disappointing for me where it mattered the most ... Right now, I don’t want to even touch another show for a long time, I need a break to recover from this, it was too much. I wish I didn’t get so attached to certain characters, but I do and it hurts me deeply when shit like that happens to them. Anyway ... Goodbye, show ... it was (mostly) good while this journey lasted ... I sure hope I see all these HUGELY talented actors and actresses in other projects in the future, especially Brandon Flynn (Justin), Dylan Minnette (Clay), Katherine Langford (Hannah) & Justin Prentice (Bryce). I also hope Brandon & Dylan get ALL the awards for their performances in S4. THEY DESERVE EVERYTHING. I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on all this, it was such an intense experience.

#Justin Foley #13 Reasons Why Spoilers #13RW Spoilers #13 Reasons Why #Clay Jensen #Brandon Flynn #Dylan Minnette

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bisluthq · 3 years

Text

This is for Roommate Anon😊

Hi Roommate Anon! First, I’m so happy to hear that you’ve realized you’re gay - it’s not an easy journey, but thre is some relief in figuring it out. Welcome to the community!

I just wanted to remind you that you absolutely do belong in the LGBTQ community - you have a whole community of queer people cheering you on right here on Nat’s blog! And I am so so sorry that your family isn’t supportive.

I wanted to reassure you that everyone goes through their gay discovery in their own time - yes, there are teens today who are much more aware of their sexuality, and from the outside, it looks like they have it all figured out. But in my (irl) experience, that’s not “most” people. I was 19 before I first wondered if I was “not straight”, but I didn’t accept it for years - I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. It wasn’t until I moved away to a more queer-friendly city when I was 21 that I started to really be like … okay with being gay. I’m 24 now, and I still haven’t come out to my family (other than dropping hints) and I don’t plan on coming out to them anytime soon, which, right now, I am okay with. You’re journey will look different, but don’t feel like you need to rush into coming out if you’re not ready.

Straight people tend to focus on the idea of “coming out” as the be all end all of the queer experience. But this is unequivocally not true. Before you can come out, you need to figure it out for yourself, and for me and several of my gay friends, that was a much harder and more emotional journey than coming out to others. And you don’t need to be out to everyone! Many queer people are only out to select people, especially at first - if you have a family member you don’t feel comfortable telling… don’t. Maybe you’ll get there one day, or maybe you won’t. But it’s your choice and if you don’t want to be out to someone, then don’t come out to them. Right now, maybe you’re only ready to be out to Avery and your roomie, and that’s okay - that’s normal! And if/when you and roomie get together “officially”, talk about who you’re comfortable telling about your relationship - and the answer to that can be no one, a few select people, or everyone - whatever you’re both comfortable with. Being in the closet, even when you’re dating, isn’t lying - it’s setting boundaries that make you and your partner comfortable and keep you both safe (including from mental or emotional abuse!)

You mentioned in your post that there are millions of people who hate us because we’re gay; and yes, there are a lot of homophobic people in the world… but there are also millions and millions of lgbtq+ people who are actively fighting for our community changing the narrative about us. Even 10 years ago there wasn’t anywhere near as much queer media, much less positive queer content, as there is today. Now imagine where we will be 10 years from now.

One trick that I used to use when I’d get stuck in a loop of internalized homophobia was each time I had a homophobic thought about myself, I would consciously think or say “No, that’s not true. I am a good/kind/caring person because____, and being gay doesn’t change that.” It helped me change my thought patterns, and over time the internalized homophobia lessened. It’s not an overnight solution, but give it a few months and maybe it will help. I also found that consuming queer content (and later, creating it) was one of the biggest things that made me feel like I was part of the community. I don’t know what your taste in media is, but if you’re looking for fluff/comfort content maybe give something like Shera and the Princesses of Power a try- it has phenomenal queer rep, no homophobia and it’s a really good “comfort” show. There are also so many queer books that are most likely available at your library (and they probably have ebooks if you don’t want anyone to see what you’re reading). Fiction by queer authors is great, and autobiographies about coming out journeys are really really helpful. I personally liked The Fire Never Goes Out by Noelle Stevenson, because it’s 7 years of journal entries that were compiled into a book, so you can really see their growth and changing perception of themselves. Maybe start with this essay they wrote/illustrated https://www (.) oprahdaily (.) com/life/relationships-love/amp34100347/noelle-stevenson-coming-out-story/ Noelle has written/spoken a lot about dealing with their conservative and religious family and the shame of not being the ‘perfect woman”, so if you like the article, you can check out their other stuff. Also look at queer youtubers, or fanfic of a show/book you like as well. The It Gets Better project on YouTube has short inspirational videos by lgbtq people with advice and their personal stories, so give that channel a try. Maybe take a look at Love Victor, it touches on A Lot of the experiences you talk about - conservative family, complicated feelings for guys, shame about being gay, even writing to an online gay community for advice about you gay feelings!

Also, on that note, I have to agree with Nat about your roomie being at least somewhat gay/bi - i laughed so hard when you wrote that she said your brother was “not her type”, because I have used that exact phrase to subtly hint that I’m gay to my friends or other queer people. I don’t know that it was particularly clear, but saying “He’s Not my type” was me trying to communicate “he’s not my type because he’s not a girl and I’m into girls”.

Good luck with your conversations with your friends, I hope they go well. Our community will be here for you if/when you need us.

SUBMISSION

Roommate anon, you have so many people who love you and your story xx

#roommate anon <3 #submission

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percywinchester27 · 3 years

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@caughtaghostsomehow I’m just going to put it all underneath the keep reading, picking things from all of those reblogs cause why not!

Part 27:

I understand why Max trusts Sam so much... Even after he initially failed him, he still kept his promise later on and he's been keeping it since.

The scene when Sam finds Max in the cell... Oh man.. I was angry at first, just like Sam but then my heart broke for this little boy. Sam and him needed each other. I think they may be soulmates.. The universe destined them to help each other out.

Yep. The reason why Sam is just so insanely careful about Max is because he how what it feels like to almost lose him. And the prison scene changed a lot since it was conceived. But I knew I wanted Max to start out as a physical kid and then grow out of it. He and Sam really were destined.

I'm so glad we got to see how Jody found out about the whole situation and I just love her more after finding out that she helped with the adoption (by the way, I love how thorough your research is 🧡).

I knew Dean would never give up on his brother but it just made me really emotional when he kept calling and Sam finally picked up and the first words out of Dean's mouth were "are you alright?". It got to me for some reason...

I thought it was logical to go to her for a lot of reasons- cause she is a legal writings professor, a close friend AND has experience with adoption as a single parent in the very same state.

Awww... all the Dean parts get me. ALL of them. Especially here because they are so far and in-between in this story.

But Sam wanted his wife to trust him the same way. Unconditionally. He wanted her to trust him with fixing their life, dealing with their loss and grief and wanted her to trust him with rebuilding their life from before the accident.

This is you using my braincells by the way. Cause later on, someone points this EXACT same thing to the reader

I know I've said this before but it just keeps coming back to this in my head, she knew things couldn't be fixed because as much as she probably trusted Sam with her life, she understands that some things just aren't in anyone's control... And Sam wanted her to believe he could mend the wounds all by himself... It's sad and frustrating but I can't wait for them to have this conversation

I know you’ve read part 30 already and you know they touch on this very very briefly but they don’t really resolve this. It gets addressed specifically eventually. His ‘i could fix us’ vs. her ‘I knew you couldn’t.’ Does such for them though.

Chapter 28

Why do I have a bad feeling about that party?

Because. Same. Braincells. Lol.

I really wanted for someone to say that and Sam certainly needed to hear it and I'm so glad it was Chase who opened his eyes about this. He's absolutely right too, let the woman speak for her damn self instead of assuming how she feels.

Chase was me! Yelling at all these characters for not fucking listening to me haha... remember how I told you that people were suspicious of Chase? Yeah, after this chapter, everyone’s kinda adopted him.

My emotions have been all over the place lately anyway but reading how Sam needed to compose himself before speaking about his son's death... I swear I don't have tears in my eyes while typing this- that was hard to read.

I'm glad Max knows... I don't know how much of it he understands but he's a clever boy, I'm sure he has at least a little bit better of an idea why this situation is so delicate.

Awww I’m so sorry I made you cry :/ But, well... Sam doesn’t grieve his son’s death the way the reader does. He’s always been more stoic. Besides, he had to deal with two griefs back then not just one... but I am sure it still hurts too much.

I’ve left it to everyone’s imagination how much Max understands. He knows the concept of death for sure.... but his birth father had orgies at his house. We can all only hope that Max is completely shielded from that since he was using to hiding in closets when there were strangers in the house.

I was surprised by his question too but Sam's response was so... Loving. My heart can't take this.. He's such a great father...

Yep. I mean how else could he have reassured Max? His no lying policy is a great way to raise a child tbh. My sister does that with my nephew. That’s how I know.

Chapter 29

I really like Maddie, she's a genuinely sweet person, I love how helpful she tries to be and that she honestly wants her friend to be happy. I wonder what exactly went wrong during that party for her to look so dejected...

Maddie is nice. I was hellbent on making all of Sam’s canon Exes nice in this series. Cause I’ve had enough of reading the evil ex and current gf pitted against each other trope (Though I’ve never written it myself. Maybe I should and see for myself why it is so alluring lol.) I don’t know, maybe it was little a double prank thingy? Throw the reader in the water and be as mean to Madison as you can?

I really fucking hope that Brad gets what he deserves and that is to be kicked in the balls. Ever fucking heard the word boundary? Consent? I hate people like him with a burning passion and that whole situation infuriated and scared me in equal measure.

Yeah. That asshole needs to go down! His endgame has changed more than anyone elses in the story lol.

The fact that all of it came back to her the instant she hit the water made me sob. She wanted to protect her baby but there was no one there... I just- oh fuck.

Kay that part was HARD to write. All of it. Poor reader!

Was Sam the one to pull her out? If so then I don't even want to think about what would happen if he wasn't there, if they haven't made plans...

The way she started crying for their baby when she found her breath again made me cry even more... I don't know why I feel such a strong connection to this story and characters but I don't want them to ever feel pain like that again. It's heartbreaking 💔

Yeah that was Sam... I mean the pool was visible and all that. I mean of course you know. You read the next chapter. Why am I being a dumbass :/

Something had to trigger her trauma. It wasn’t going to come out on its own and And Sam loves her too much to force her to grieve. He barely held it together when she did grieve so well...

PS.: I'm really sorry you experienced drowning, it's a horrible thing to go through. I don't do pools- or really, any body of water, either. There's just something about the idea of drowning that unsettles me more than I can express.

Yeahh... God bless that lifeguard. Seriously. He’s the only one who noticed that I wasn’t coming up. It was night time and the pool was pretty dark so. I am so sorry that you don’t like pools, either. It’s terrifying.

Chapter 30

Firstly, Ria, you’re TOO GOOD to me, seriously! The fact that I could have you speechless is about the biggest complement you could’ve given me.

If you can call it that and at first when she asked him about the ring, I was surprised but my heart just sunk. I don't think either of them were in the right, I don't think they were both wrong either... I don't believe I'm good enough with problem solving to know what advice I'd give them but I do know that I have never experienced a feeling more cathartic than this one when reading. Twenty nine chapters leading to this moment... All the questions and pining and heartbreak. .. And sure, there's so much more they could say and there's so much more you talk about and figure out but as of right now... This is the beginning of the rest of their lives.

So, I think what she meant to ask was why did he just not give up on her, but she was tired and spontaneous and the ring question just tumbled out instead. I tried so hard for all their conversations to sound spontaneous and not rehearsed you know? Where they ended up touching on every aspect of the past? Cause that wouldn’t happen. It just wouldn’t.

And THANK YOU for saying that. I swear to God, this chapter wouldn’t have made that impact if it hadn’t had a backing of 29 chapters. It would have royally fallen flat. Everyone was invested in the story by now and I was counting on it.

I didn't like how Sam got angry at first because I put myself in her shoes but the truth is, someone needed to get angry about something. One of them had to feel some type of overwhelming emotion to get here and it just so happened that it started with pain and landed on anger.

This is and SPN finale type of dilemma though. Like for the writers, they had to Kill of Dean first cause only Sam had the slight ability to move on. Sam way, I didn’t think the reader would have ever gotten angry first. She is so burdened by her own guilt (undeserved tbh) but she wouldn’t just lash out first. Sam had been angry at the start of the series and absolutely livid in their time apart. I just thought it would be easier for him to get mad first. Not defending his choices or whatever, just why I chose to make that decision as a writer. I would have been plenty mad a reader, too.

But the way they got angry wasn't a bad thing, their anger was based in how much they care about each other. Like the anger I would feel when one of my dogs ran just a little too far from me and a car was coming - took like fifteen fucking years off my ife istg. But I wasn't angry and screaming at them to make them feel bad, I was angry because I was so fucking scared that they would get hurt. The anger wasn't based in resentment, it was based in love. It's the same here and you can see it.

Jesus, I’m so sorry that happened with one of your dogs. Seriously. That sounds scary AF. I’m glad your dogs are okay.

Their anger isn’t destructive. It just isn’t. That much I’m pretty sure of. They’ve dealt with so much shit, and truly love each too much to actually hurt one another with words at this point. And it’s a good 10 chapters of journey where they deal with one issue after another to effing solve it like adults and not teenagers in throes of passion. I was like, nope! Not doing the passionate way. These two don’t get to be smart enough to get into Stanford and then be dumb like that and scream and yell and be jealous or irrational. It added a few chapters, but if I can be patient, so can be everyone else :P

The story she told about the cactus was not only a brilliant way to show her mindset and how people saw her over the years but also so fucking heartbreaking. On one hand you have this coworker who saw her and thought, "that person needs something low maintenance if they can care for something at all" and on the other - you've got this woman who tries her best to nurture this plant and help it grow and it ends up dying anyway.

That cactus one is inspired by real life event. And it seriously broke my heart to go through. Hoping each day that the last pod might live through :/ Like you said her co-worker wasn’t being mean, but it sucks that the cactus died anyway :(

Girl, you made my morning today. I woke up to your love and I just... you had me speechless. That chapter took a lot out of our branicells and I rewrote it so many times just to get it right for it to be respectful, vulnerable and cathartic at the same time.

But may I ask you, WHY YOU WERE UP TILL 5:30 in the morning to read it? I have a timestamp thingy going for me, okay? I knew what time it was over there! And you gave yourself a migraine crying? OMG! I am so so sorry :/ Gosh. If I knew, you were going to binge it straight, I’d have warned you!

Seriously, Ria! Thank you seems like a small phrase. I will tell you this, I love you! So much!

#Ana replies #Ana loves Ria #seriously you make my work look nicer and more deep than it is #sincerely humbled by this #can't word the gratitude right #q

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begedil · 3 years

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Internship Tips & Advice

Alhamdulillah, finally found the time to sit and write. Been a crazy busy, super fun, extremely tiring, definitely rewarding 22-week internship experience for me and now I’m back at school. I’ve actually been wanting to pen this down for the longest time but man, working life is tough. It’s been full throttle since week 3 so alhamdulillah for the 6 days of leave. That being said, I know we all have things so I won’t beat around the bush. Here’s some tips and advice for my friends who already started their internships this semester.

Pre-internship (and it’s first few weeks):

- Advice #1: Get a planner.

Things are going to get hectic and it’ll be (really) hard to rely solely on memory to know your upcoming events. Personally, I prefer planners with a monthly-view as it provides me with a better gauge of how much work is coming up and how busy I’m gonna be (also because I lack the discipline to fill up a daily/weekly calendar). To avoid getting overwhelmed, I don’t include work meetings in my planner, I only indicate the tasks I need to complete and things I have after work.

- Advice #2: Work out your time ratio.

Figure out who and what you want to make time for. Yourself, your family, your friends, your hobbies – everything you hope to make time for during internship. Planning is one thing, whether you can do it is another. It’s okay if it changes throughout the internship. Never thought basketball would be one of the things I’d want to make time for but here I am. Use the first few weeks to find the right momentum and slowly work things out from there. You don’t have to figure it all out on the first try. It’s still a mystery to me how parents have the energy to do this whole work-life balance thing.

Throughout internship (the school side of things):

- Advice #3: Logbook. Logbook. Logbook.

Pretty sure every school differs in their daily submission requirements but for my course (Mechanical Engineering) I have to submit a bi-weekly logbook detailing learning points and answers to specific questions. I didn’t think it would be such a burden but… boy was I wrong. I find it is so dreadful. Not because the questions are hard to answer, but because I keep forgetting to do it and end up trying to type as fast as I can before the Friday deadline. So please, don’t put yourself through what I did and set a reminder or block your calendar to complete it sometime during the week. Have your sticky notes open on your desktop and pen down points throughout the week so you don’t panic like I do when you have 5 hours left to submit it.

- Advice #4: @ friends who are not on internship

Not gonna lie, the FOMO did kick in a few times. While many of my friends are in school going for lunch together, there I was trying to figure out why my vlookup formula isn’t working. I know the thought that I would not know anyone when I go back to school next semester seems absurd, but it does genuinely scare me sometimes (ESFJ much?). Luckily for me, being part of an adhoc helped make me feel like I’m not completely out of the loop and my (lovely) friends do check up on me or (try to) make dinner/weekend plans. Lunch too (and won’t let me PAY, if you’re reading this - may Allah bless you). So, if you have a friend going on internship next semester, please text them occasionally, I can promise you they’d be extremely grateful to know you still remember them. Advanced note: Expect late replies though, it’s not indicative of how thankful they are in having you check up on them.

Throughout internship (the work side of things):

- Advice #5: Make full use of all the opportunities they provide employees.

Let me just get one thing out of the way first; Yes, interns are employees as well. In the MNC I work for, there are many sponsored certifications for employees to take up. Hopefully when you see me in school next year I am a certified yellow belt in Lean Six Sigma, insha Allah (if I ever find the time to complete the learning materials that’s been put on hold for 2 weeks now). Start making it a habit to ask questions – get your supervisor to teach you how to navigate a certain platform (to my engineering friends, SAP is more confusing than it sounds) or have them share their personal opinions on how a meeting went. It’s interesting to hear from someone who has been working there a lot longer than you have.

- Advice #6: Get to know the different working styles you get along with.

Make use of this time to work with as many individuals as you can. You’ll be able to know more about your own tendencies and motivations as well as the working styles that you can (and cannot) click with. (You know those unpleasant group project experiences you’ve had in school? Yeah they happen in the workplace too, with adults.)

- Advice #7: Be open about your workload.

I am so blessed to have the supervisor that I do. 70% of the good experience I’ve had thus far I owe it all to her. (The other 30% were the friends I made and the company benefits. I mean $30 bowling vouchers for $5? WHAT. A. DEAL.) One thing that has helped facilitate a good working relationship is open communication. Whenever she assigns me a task, I let her know what are the tasks that I currently have on hand (including school tasks such as logbook) and how early she can expect for me to complete the task. This way, my supervisor is constantly updated on my current workload and can better decide if more work should be assigned to me. I know how that may sound crazy (and scary) but really, sometimes with the amount of work they have to handle, supervisors can forget what they have assigned you. Trust me, it’s worse if you tank and end up having a backlog of tasks to complete.

Throughout internship (the you side of things):

- Advice #8: Don’t worry about your Zuhr and Asr’ prayers!

I’ve had my fair share of part-time jobs and I know this can be a worry sometimes. So, for anyone who may need the extra reassurance, don’t worry. Let colleagues know early on about having to go for prayers. Alhamdulillah my colleagues were really understanding of it, they even showed me where I could go to pray. My advice to you is to read the situation when you are informing them about having to go for prayers and if they look hesitant, let them know how short it’d probably take you. Most of the time, they are hesitant because they are overestimating the time it takes to pray and they are just worried that your work will be affected or that you won’t be there when they need you.

- Advice #9: Remember that emails are not an easy feat.

Another one of the small things I never thought could be so challenging. Being overwhelmed by emails is a real thing and please don’t let it happen to you. People send emails even after midnight (which also reminds me, please DO NOT bring work home unless absolutely and definitely necessary) and the rate that emails come in awaiting your reply, my friend, is a recipe for burn out. I mean people even block their calendars just to clear emails! Don’t try to reply them all in one go. Consider the subject and assess its urgency. Also, another tip, Outlook allows you to @ the one concerned/who needs to take action in your email. Based on my experience, that allows you to get faster replies from the relevant colleagues. May Allah ease your inbox, insha Allah.

- Advice #10: Don’t limit yourself!

You are not “just” an intern. Really, this self-limiting mindset does more harm than good. If you tell yourself you are just an intern, then you’re likely to be treated as one – being assigned work that full timers do not want to do. I’ve heard so many stories from friends of how they had to overtime because they were overwhelmed with work. Speak up for yourself. It wasn’t easy gaining the trust, but by asking if I could take up a certain task or help out with one that was not originally assigned to me, my supervisors and colleagues very rarely give me admin work and trust me to handle bigger tasks. (Alhamdulillah!)

Be honest with yourself and ask yourself how you want your internship journey to be. This was my first ever internship experience (and quite possibly the only one before I venture out into the working world) so I really wanted to learn as much as I can and prove to myself that I am capable and ready. Hence, I hope that with the tips I shared here, I can help you achieve that too, insha Allah.

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houseofvans · 5 years

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ART SCHOOL | INTERVIEW WITH ARTIST KATHY AGER

Originally studying graphic design and illustration, Kathy Ager left the world of ad agencies and design studios to pursue something she’d had the bug to do back in design school–painting. Making 2 to 3 paintings a year, Kathy’s art career began to take off: Her Baroque-style still lives with a modern and personal take began to get the attention of collectors and galleries alike. We’re excited to find out more about Kathy’s artistic journey, process and about her upcoming solo show this summer, opening at Thinkspace Gallery in Culver City.

Take the leap!

Photography by Kea Mowat

Introduce yourself? And where you’re from or currently residing? I’m Kathy Ager, an artist and graphic designer. I’m originally from Vancouver, and just recently returned to Vancouver after living in Amsterdam (and a little bit in Barcelona and Lisbon) for the past 9 years. I originally moved to Barcelona – I’d visited a year earlier with my then-boyfriend while he was shooting with the Canadian skate team and fell in love with the mystery of the place. From there I hopped over to Amsterdam where things fell into place. Now that I have representation in LA and a lot of shows happening around North America I’m back in my hometown of Vancouver. Being back is definitely a trip! It’s a bit of a Twilight Zone experience — everything is the same yet nothing is the same.

Tell us a little about your artistic journey–from graphic designer to painter! We read that you only started painting about 3-4 years ago? How did this come about, and did you pick it up naturally or did you find you had to change your approach vs. the way you had made art prior to it as a graphic designer? I originally went to school for graphic design and illustration. I worked for many years in ad agencies and design studios both in Vancouver and Amsterdam. I’ve always hated having a boss and eventually I went freelance which was way more my style. There came a point when I was a graphic designer where I just didn’t feel like I was doing what I was supposed to do. I’d been a graphic designer for years and I still like it, but it just wasn’t enough. There was way more I wanted to say. I discovered painting back in design school and was especially encouraged by my teacher Kiff Holland. But I’d always been one to “do the right thing” and I followed the more solid path of graphic design. Finally, I found myself sick at home for the good part of a year – partially stress-induced I’m sure! That’s when I got back into painting.

It was a slow process of getting into it. I would fit it in between my freelance graphic design work, maybe making 2-3 paintings a year in my spare time. I had no agenda other than to just keep going with it.

In the fall of 2015, I went to Lisbon for a couple months just to paint. It was the first time I showed up in a new place as an artist, not a graphic designer. That was big. The response and the welcome I received there was a big thing for me. It was the third time I’d dropped myself into a new city where I didn’t know anyone or speak the language. But this place was magical. I met some amazing artists and champions of my work and it’s become a sort of second European home, including a spot at the table with Portuguese grandparents for Sunday lunch. Portugal. It’s a dream.

In the last year and a half things have really picked up in terms of interest in my paintings and the response I’ve received is mind blowing. Sometimes I wish I’d come to the art game earlier, but I’ve always been a late bloomer — I mean, I looked like I was 12 until I was 20, for god’s sake! I don’t think I was ready to say anything at a younger age.

How would you describe your work to someone who is just coming across it? I’d describe my work as Baroque-style still lives with a modern and personal take.

Why the interest in realist still lives and the way of the Dutch masters? What do you absolutely love about them, and what are some of your favorite still life paintings? I originally started with just painting cityscapes and random images I liked. Safe things that I could practice with. At some point I painted a still life image I liked and it struck me how much of a story could be told with objects and light. The first couple of still lifes I crafted myself were so personal and revealing, I was too embarrassed to show them to anyone at first (Lonely Hearts Club and Can’t Get High Enough). I’m a pretty happy person on the outside (it’s no secret that I love a good laugh), and these paintings were exposing something no one knew I had in me. But the process of crafting these messages and selecting the right combination of objects and titles gave me such a laugh and a feeling of empowerment that it felt like I was on the right path.

Who and what were some of your early artistic influences? What artists inspire you these days? I came to painting mostly unaware of other artists. I didn’t go to fine art school and had little knowledge of art history. It’s only in hindsight that I see the influence of the art that surrounded me – the Dutch, Spanish and Portuguese masters from the Golden Age. As I became more brave with the content of my paintings, I found it inspiring to discover artists like Christian Rex van Minnen and Sean Norvet who were doing things even more fucked up than I was. It was amazing!

Take us through your artistic process? What’s a typical day in the studio like? How long does it take you to complete a painting from start to finish? My process always starts with either a title or message I want to convey. I love music and books and I get a lot of ideas from lyrics and titles and beautifully written sentences. They’re these magically articulated truths and observations that just hit me so deeply. From there I usually sit on the idea for a while, working on how to solve it visually with objects I encounter. Some ideas might stew like that for up to a year. Once I have the idea set in my head, I visualize it through my own photography and also collaging from images online until it seems right. Only then do I start putting it on canvas.

I treat my painting process like a job. A day in my studio is typically 4-10 hours hunched over my easel. It’s not glamorous! My ideas come more organically, but the production process requires a lot of self discipline and stamina.

A painting takes 1-4 weeks to complete, depending on the size. But the amount of thought that went into it before that can be months.

What are your essential art tools and materials? I keep my materials minimal so far. A couple brush sizes and 5-6 colours of oil paint. I mainly like to mix my own colours from the primaries because I like to know exactly what goes in to each colour.

You’ve been preparing for an upcoming debut solo show that opens in June at Thinkspace. Tell us about the work going into the show, and what you hope folks will take away from it! This is my first solo show, so it’s going to be the first time a larger body of my still life paintings will be out in the world. Before this I’ve only had a handful of paintings in group shows. All the paintings are deeply personal, but I love crafting them in a way that’s universally appealing. I hope people will get a kick out of it as much as I have. It’s dark, but it’s also meant to be beautiful and funny and I hope that comes through.

The title of the show is Golden Age. It’s a reference to the style of paintings I’m referencing from the Dutch and Spanish Golden Age, but also a comment on our current times, my own personal experiences, and how we survive it all as sensitive beasts.

Is there a favorite piece you’ll be presenting at the show, and if you could, tell us a little about the piece and why it is so special to you? I think my favourite piece is the first one I painted for this show. It’s called The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, after the novel by Carson McCullers. Although the meaning of the painting has nothing to do with the book, I loved how perfectly this title described my feelings of loneliness and discouragement when navigating the current world of dating. One guy’s opening line to me on a dating app was “How are you enjoying this internet dumpster fire?” And he couldn’t have been more spot on, sadly. It’s a jungle out there – stay strong and bring enough snacks. The female bust in this paintings just gives me such a kick. She’s so fierce and strange. I love having her in my studio.

What are five favorite things you love painting in your still lives? Are they books, items from pop culture? Or is creating the composition of the painting more enjoyable? Books from my bookshelf, flowers (although I have a love/hate relationship with them), sneakers, the tattoos of ex lovers, and random objects belonging to lovers and friends. I’m aways telling a specific story about a person, feeling or event in my life and I love the intimacy and sort of inside joke it creates.

What has been the most challenging project or work you’ve battled through? How did you overcome those obstacles and what did you take away from it? Definitely making the work for my upcoming solo show has been the biggest challenge! I went from painting a couple paintings a year to making 12 paintings in 10 months. I’m getting through it by just doing it. There’s no easy way around it. I’ve had to learn to have a continuous stream of paintings on the go and to trust my abilities.

When you’re not painting or working on projects, how do you unwind and unplug? Music is a big thing for me. I just feel it so much. So listening to music and dancing are a big thing for me. Reading and travelling are also amazing. I’m just so curious about people and places and hearing as many experiences and adventures and ideas as possible. I’ve also been getting back into snowboarding and skateboarding after being away from the Westcoast for 9 years. Vancouver is amazing for random outdoor adventures with friends!

What advice would you give someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and pursue art? Just do it! There’s no way around it. Put the time and effort in every moment you can, even if there’s no one watching. It’s not glamorous. Sometimes I wonder where all the parties and rock and roll is. But if you’re putting in the time, if you’re making art for yourself and not what you think others will like, you’ll find yourself in the right place, attracting the right attention.

Also, there’s never a perfect time for anything. Most of my paintings before this year were created alone in a tiny apartment, mostly fit in between design projects. Just ignore the discomfort and keep going. Oh and don’t quit your day job until you feel you’re getting momentum. It’s like surfing – you’ll just know it when you’re catching that wave and you can pop-up. Until then enjoy the space that’s created when you’re NOT focussing on art all the time.

What’s your best Art School tip that you want to share with folks? I’ll give you some very specific painting advice as told to me by my only painting instructor, Kiff Holland. I still feel like these are responsible for my painting success: 1. Paint what you see, not what you think you see. 2. Paint dark to light. Sorry if you’re not aiming to be a realist painter and find this completely irrelevant ;)

What are your favorite style of VANS? Right now I’m liking the CHIMA PRO 2. It’s the first pair of shoes I bought specifically for skating, so it has a special place in my heart!

Anything you can share that is coming up? Other than my debut solo show in LA this summer, I have a bunch of group shows in cities including New Orleans, London and Miami. And more big things coming in 2020 which I’ll announce in the future on my instagram!

FOLLOW KATHY | WEBSITE | INSTAGRAM

#Art #Vans #Vans Art #Vans Girls #Kathy Ager #Art School #Painting #Studio #acrylic #Portrait #Still Life

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alabamagirlinagreatbigworld · 4 years

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Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year?

I hate how far back I have to scroll in my phone to find pictures of us. Two years of memories without you in them. It is still incomprehensible that I am living life without you in it. I hate that as time goes on, even Facebook erases our memories. And, it’s even worse because you aren’t here to make new ones. If they all disappear from pictures, will they eventually start to disappear from my own mind? Even worse than a life without you in it, is a life where our memories are faded or even forgotten.

Two years. Twenty-four months. One hundred & four weeks. Seven Hundred & Thirty days. Seventeen thousand five hundred & twenty hours. One million fifty-one thousand & two hundred minutes. Sixty-three million seventy-two thousand seconds. Each one feeling like forever.

I can still feel the shock & denial I felt when my mom called me at work to tell me you were gone. It took at least an hour to sink in. At least an hour for me to realize you were gone. An hour for me to start this journey of grief that is never-ending. I remember not knowing what to do. Like anything I could do would change it. I drove home from work. My mind somewhere else. My phone ringing. My text message notifications beeping. Surely one of them would be you. This was definitely a mistake. And then it wasn’t.

I came home to a busted water heater. My kitchen floor flooded. Water still spewing out onto the floor. I looked up. I laughed. It was like your final joke. One more prank. Anything to make me smile. A laugh even better. I turned and walked away. Ignored the reality of everything going on at that moment.

I had so many questions. So many unfinished conversations. So many things I wanted to say. So many hugs left to be given. Memories to be made. As I rode to your mom’s house from Atlanta, I couldn’t grasp what was happening. What would happen. I don’t think I have ever been to your parent’s house when you weren’t there. Drew met me in the driveway with a big hug and an I love you. You’d be so proud of him. I hugged and cried my way through everyone and knew exactly where I needed to be. I slipped away down the hallway and into your old room. Your old bed still there. I laid down, still crying, random memories flooding my mind. Your beta fish that used to sit on that wicker shelf. The see-through phone that I thought was so cool & wanted to badly. Sitting in your closet listening to song from the Karate Kid like we had any idea what love was. Emptying our oh so important purses to trade items with each other. Waking up scared because I had slept with gum in my mouth and was afraid your mom would be mad. You telling me you weren’t going to sleep. You were just resting your eyes. Sounds of laughter. Your mom telling us to be quiet because your dad was sleeping. Our times spent bunkered down in the hallway because there was severe weather. Your dad at the other end of the hall, watching the weather on tv. Trying to keep us quiet so he could hear. Standing there as if he would stop the tornado to keep us safe. I even remembered your first cuss word after your go-cart wouldn’t start. I was shocked. I though the world would end when you said it. You just laughed. I remember riding the go-cart, being chased by the rain, and watching it spread across the field, finally catching up to us. Gilbert Court. Oh the laughs at Gilbert Court. Our tiny one-bedroom apartment covered in sunflowers. It was the best thing ever. Two a.m. trips to Wal-Mart because we could. Silly outgoing messages on our answering machine. Ridge Road. Driving on campus to the one class we had together, laughing as you tried to parallel park. Laughing harder as we had to change places so I could parallel park for you. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The memories came from further back and extended through that final week of your life. Your last message being so trivial. A picture of paperwork, lying on the floor of your office. A little note that said, I’m still at work. And that was it. That was the last memory I would ever have of you.

I know you would hope I would have recovered by now. That the loss wouldn’t be as tough as it is for me. I know you would shrug off the fact that you were that much a part of my life. That I depended on you so much more than you depended on me. You were my best friend. My soulmate of sorts. My rock. My place of understanding. Of calm. You were my nurse. My protector. You stood up for me when I didn’t have the energy to stand up for myself. You were always there. And then you weren’t.

Every morning feels like Groundhog Day. Shortly after waking up, I realize, once again, you’re gone. Maybe it’s because I look up and see your picture on the wall. Maybe it’s because I pick up my phone to call or message you. Maybe it’s because I need to talk to you. I need your advice. Your support. Your unconditional love. And on really bad day, it’s because I’ve woken up with tears already streaming down my face from the reality hitting in a dream.

There are days I think I won’t make it. Days I think it’s time to give up. Days that feel so overwhelming, I see no way I’ll make it until the next. Most of the days are like this. But every now and then something beautiful happens. A clover appears in my car out of nowhere. A sunflower in the most random of places. An old card you sent me out of place and found at the right time. Always a funny message to make me laugh. A picture taken for scenery on your birthday with an angel-shaped cloud as clear as a crystal.

I know you watch over me. I have no doubts. But you are the lucky one, my dear. You are dancing in the streets of heaven with loved ones gone before you. Still watching your loved ones left behind. You’re still cheering for me. I feel it. Sometimes I think I hear it. Sometimes I do something outside of my character just because I know it’s what you would advise. I think about the things I was struggling with when you left. The parts of them I still struggle with now. I envision you in heaven, banging your head, because you know what God has planned for me. And you hate to see me sad. I think about the struggles you faced. Your desire to be better each day. Your attachment to the article of the girl who wrote about living, after being diagnosed with terminal cancer way too soon. She was your goal. You were going to go back to school. Be a Nurse Practitioner. A better mom. A better wife. Better to yourself. You wanted to get in the best shape of your life. Not because anyone thought you should or pressured you to. Because you wanted to be the best version of yourself for you. And my heart breaks all over again that you didn’t have time to fulfill all your heart’s desires.

Then I think about my life now. How far into abyss I’ve slipped. How disappointed you’d be in me. I’m sure you sit up there yelling at me to get up. Get out of bed. Get out of the house. Do something. Anything. Live. And I try. I want to live for me and for you. But grief is crippling. Loneliness is dark. Such a huge part of who I am is gone. It feels like I can’t move because I’m not whole. Like I awoke and suddenly had no legs to stand on my own. Because you were gone. And you were a part of me for as much of my life as I can remember. Until you weren’t.

I remember your memorial service. Parking lot overcrowded. Lines around the building. I sat in a chair thinking I’d write what I was going to say about you the next day. But instead, I sat there staring. All the people around me who loved you. Yet I was alone. I was in awe of how many lives you touched. I remember telling someone, in my entire life, I can name people who haven’t or don’t like me. But in my entire life, I can’t name one person who didn’t like Nicole. I like to think you were my angel. My rock. My support. My soft place to land. I’m territorial when it comes to our friendship. But the truth is undeniable. You were that person to everyone you met. You made lives brighter. You made problems lighter. When I think about it, I can’t imagine how heavy it must have been for you. Not only carrying your problems but carrying the weight of others so they wouldn’t have to do it alone. But you never made me feel like an inconvenience. You never hinted that you couldn’t bear the weight of anything else. When you talked to me, I was all there was. And I am certain every other person you encountered felt the same.

Coming up with the words to say about you might have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Only to be overshadowed by having to stand in front of packed chapel and say them out loud, knowing you were lying there just in front of me. I wrote for hours. Write. Erase. Start over. Repeat. Each time I would read what I had written, I would realize, this is all about me. How I feel. My experience. And that did not do justice to your life. You were so much more than a part of me. You were a part of everyone who met you. And you deserved to be remembered as you were. Not as I felt. I pulled through with a combination of laughs and tears and even a cuss word, just for you. I go back and read those words now and then. I still laugh. I still cry. I still wonder if I even came close to putting you on the pedestal you earned. And I cry some more. Who will tell my story? Will anyone show up? Am I even half the person you were? Am I even that person to one person? Have I had a positive impact on anyone? How do I do better? And, how do I do it now that I am not whole?

I can’t believe it’s been two years. I can’t believe every year will add another and the clock will never stop counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. I can’t believe this is who I am in now. Who I’m forced to be. After years of swimming, bicycles, sleepovers, secrets, notes in the hallways, inside jokes, family vacations, a lifetime of firsts, our friendship has also experienced all its lasts. I don’t know how to accept it. How to move forward. How to feel whole again. Because throughout my entire life you were there. Until you weren’t.

#grief #dealing with grief #griefshare #griefisreal #griefsucks #bestfriend #Grief Sad Advice GriefSucks IMissMyBestFriend #guardian angel #love you more #miss you #two years #lost

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joeys-piano · 4 years

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For the character ask game: tell us all about Hirotsu peep

favorite thing about them It shouldn’t surprise anyone and I think I talked about it before, but my favorite characters tend to be either middle-aged or older. Their personalities and who they are as people are grounded at that point, so you don’t really see wild or large swings in their characters as you’d see in teen or young adult characters. Older characters have more or less figured out their stuff, know who they are, and what fascinates me about them is that we only get to see the aftermath of everything that they’ve gone through in life and in what shaped them to be the person that they are now. Rarely do we get to see a hint of who they used to be or what they’ve been through in the past, and I like to think about what life was like for them and how they may’ve changed from then to now.

Not only that, I enjoy the missions and the conflicts and how these characters carry the story in their own way. We see this through Hirotsu. He’s been in the Port Mafia longer than anyone else, I believe, and he’s seen the rise of many things as well as their downfalls. His knowledge, his seniority, and his experience gives us an interesting take on the Port Mafia. in both that he can provide an objective observation of the organization and can speak freely about it and in that Hirotsu’s position and the area he’s in the Port Mafia allows him to see the organization from a wider scope so he’s very familiar with the processes and whatnot.

The best way I can describe is that he’s a grizzled, gray wolf that has lived through many fires and hunting seasons. He didn’t survive just because of his rank. He survived because he carried out what he needed to do and knew what was expected of him. Interesting enough, from two scenes that I can remember from canon -- when he told Mori about the previous Boss and when worked with Dazai in the Fifteen arc -- he’s one of those people where even the most reserved and cunning characters feel comfortable enough to drop their guards even if it’s just a little bit and be themselves.

least favorite thing about them The smoking.

favorite line The sad thing is that I see Hirotsu so rarely these days that I don’t have any quotes I can put down.

brOTP I imagine he has a close yet distant, familiar yet professional relationship with Dazai. They’re colleagues and they’ve worked together, but they’re goofy during game nights and when Dazai asks for advice on a new technique he wants to try to bring his inevitable end. Hirotsu and Dazai bring out the serious and methodical nature out of each other, as well as having this rich dynamic that is both teasing, funny, and light-hearted at times.

I’d like to believe that Hirotsu was a stable figure during Dazai’s time in the Mafia and that he confided some things to him that he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling to anyone else because vulnerability marks you good as dead in their world. And Hirotsu, he just listens to Dazai. He knows that his words may not be the answer Dazai is looking for, but he let’s the younger know that he understands and shares his own experience about things he’s learned in this confusing journey called life. Hirotsu would be a fascinating person to a mafia!Dazai. Hirotsu doesn’t reprimand him, he doesn’t ask or yank the youth out from death, and he just sees Dazai as he is. He sees Dazai as Dazai wants to project himself to be, and Hirotsu respects and doesn’t ask why the youth is wearing a mask.

He knew Dazai had his reasons. It wasn’t his place to tell him what he can or cannot do; however, what he could do was give Dazai a space where the youth can be himself and be whoever he wanted to be. In that sense, he gave Dazai freedom and that was one of the greatest gifts anyone could give to him.

OTP I have no idea.

Hirotsu is the kind of character who’s accepted that falling in love with someone is a choice he can’t make in this lifetime. With him in the Mafia and knowing how enemies to the organization will target after the families and loved ones of its members, Hirotsu wouldn’t want that to happen to someone he cares for. He cares enough to not let people in too close, preferring that these people remain alive and oblivious to his world. That’s enough for him and it does bring a smile to his face when he sees someone that he knows and sees a glimpse of their life when they happen to pass on the street, when he happens to see children or their family around them, or seeing them in the midst of life and doing well for themselves.

nOTP I don’t ship Hirotsu with anyone so I don’t know. I also don’t see anyone shipping Hirotsu with anyone so....there’s not really an answer I can say.

random headcanon There’s a cemetery on a cliff, near the outskirts of the Port Mafia’s territory. It overlooks the ocean and crumbling at its feet are unmarked graves. Sometimes, you’d often see him there. He takes out a cigarette, smokes for a little bit, and then Hirotsu ignites a few more and lays them at the top of each headstone as he’s passing and about to leave. His friends from the Mafia have been dead for years; but occasionally, he knows that being dead can be quite difficult so he gives them a smoke because who else would? And as he smokes, Hirotsu sees the smoke lingering around him and he can imagine that his friends are lounged or sitting over their graves and just talking about life, death, and what’s to come.

By the time the cigarette is crushed beneath his shoe and he needs to leave, Hirotsu can hear his friends thanking him. Thanking him for living out the life that they couldn’t, thanking him for keeping them alive through his memories, and thanking him for the smoke. Being dead is tough, after all. Hirotsu knows that too well.

unpopular opinion I don’t know if there is an opinion on this man.

song i associate with them

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youtube

One Day by Kim Min Seung

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #hirotsu ryuurou

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gayregis · 5 years

Text

geralt x regis summarized

so let me go over what i think is geregis one more time... i think it would be helpful if i took this chronologically and went through all of their interactions in the books & blood n’ wine

geregis is inchresting in contrast to ships like geralt/yen or gerlion because unlike those two, it’s NOT love at first sight. it begins with... acquaintanceship, with actually a bit of (hidden) apprehension on regis’s end. every member of the hansa has... motives that don’t amount to more than “we are friends, so i will fight for you and your family” but when geralt and regis meet, they aren’t even friends yet, and they have a lot of reason to dislike each other in fact... at least on regis’s end... geralt doesn’t Know yet because... either he’s dumb or regis is smart but i’m gonna go for both... anyways...

they don’t know each other and the only motive i can assign regis at this point in the story is sheer curiosity and intrigue, and of course goodwill... not only does the opportunity to adventure away from the now warring (and blood-covered! not good for sobreity!) land of brugge present itself, but to meet and interact with a witcher... and not just any witcher, geralt of rivia, and not just THAT, but also an epic quest to find his surprise child... it’s such a convoluted kind of knowledge and experience well that he couldn’t just refuse, right? also, i think he had become accustomed to village peasant life and made peace with that part of his past, with those peoples he had wronged... but he had never made peace with a witcher yet.

so the opportunity presents itself and they journey forwards... and as they come to the peasant camp (approaching the horseshoe incident) as geralt and regis relationship stands, it’s leaning towards the beginning of a strong friendship. or at least, geralt actually likes regis’s company, which is bananas to say because this witcher isn’t nice to like ANYONE around him. geralt doesn’t have suspicions about regis’s true identity either, and that allows geralt to begin fully investing himself into this practical stranger. though i’d interpret regis as being more closed off because he, of course, knows his truth. which relates in turn to an imbalance and an anxiousness...

an anxiousness that comes to a head with the rescue of geralt and dandelion. at this point, i think regis has become equally invested in geralt and the rest of the hansa, if he wasn’t already. he could have left at any moment, really, so choosing to rescue them... a bold move, one committed out of friendship and comradery. though this comradery would then be destroyed as he performed the rescue...

geralt is cold when he confronts regis, both in the prison and after, after regis tends to dandelion. what i find peculiar about these scenes is that geralt doesn’t perform any typical witcher-y condemnations, any sort of, “you’re despicable filth / a monster / you don’t deserve my mercy” etc., etc... instead, he does something kind of unusual for facing a supposed enemy and simply asks regis to leave... not in an angry manner, not in a harsh manner. of course, regis tests this, badly, because he’s a bitch who probably thought this was kinda funny, but this whole confrontation is actually emotional for geralt. he’s reserved and cold because he wants to be friends with regis still, but he knows that due to his profession, role... and due to regis’s past, which he doesn’t know at the moment, but very likely assumed he still drinks... it cannot work. or so he presumes. but because of this, geralt is agitated and upset. he’s upset himself because he’s realized that this relationship, which is just the budding of a strong friendship at the moment, cannot work.

it’s interesting to see the apprehension in the relationship turn sides from regis to geralt as regis’s identity is revealed. at the beginning, regis is the one who is closed off (although for regis it doesn’t seem like it much... but him being secretive of his identity is being closed off, because he’s not sharing his true opinions on things, etc.). then geralt becomes apprehensive and withdrawn as regis actually is more inclined to help and give advice.

then, after the fish soup, geralt actually becomes... defensive of regis, almost? at least, he retorts to dandelion and milva that they should trust regis and ask him about his background themselves... his apprehension disappears over the bonding of another simple fireside chat. at this point, i think he realized that he was not betrayed by finding out that regis was a vampire, but instead that he had befriended a vampire from the beginning — and that regis was no different with or without his true identity revealed. so geralt realizes this and accepts that he has befriended and enjoys the company of a vampire, and accepted that regis doesn’t pose a threat. it could also be that geralt is overwhelmed and chalks this bizarre relationship up to fate as much as it is a bizarre occurence that he is now a father on an epic quest to locate and rescue his adoptive child. the unpredictable happens.

geralt isn’t even entirely judgemental when regis tells of his past. he makes some comments to judge vampire society as a whole, but not directly regis. and these comments regis agrees with, or does not find reason to argue. he’s empathetic to the affairs of humans and he judges his own past harshly enough for all five of them. so geralt makes nothing of the opportunity to berate regis. because, oddly enough, he trusts him... they trust each other.

here’s where it gets gay, aka my OWN personal conjecture and interpretaion, aka your chance to stop reading if you’ve happened across this post and “accidentally” read half of it.

regis becomes a very valued confidant of geralt’s... he respects his actions, asks for his advice, for his help, for his thoughts. for him... and one could argue that this is in lieu of dandelion because he’s, er, absent. but even in other situations preceding entry into beauclair, such as when regis treats the prophetic girl, on barge and during the battle of the bridge when aids milva, when he offers the help of, and communicates between the flaminca and geralt. geralt continually chooses to trust regis in all of these situations, because he well and truly does. in any of this situations, he could have objected, accused regis of lying or manipulation, but no... on top of this, he talks to him, asks for his opinion, divulges anxieties. he raises his suspicions against cahir to regis, which just demonstrates that he considers regis such an integral part of the company that he would be able to decide its members.

they talk incessently, geralt begins to speak highly of regis and continues to defend him... he states that he considers regis a friend (and catches regis off-guard), he lies to the chambermaid in beauclair and says that regis is of noble birth, he demands that regis not be excluded from his conversation with the knights and his emotions were so strong towards this that he forgot that regis would be able to hear anyways if he was excluded...

regis also demonstrates a keenness for geralt, to fringilla, as he argues for what seems like the first and only time in the series. he’s calm and collected, as he usually is, but in his tongue there’s an upset and defensive nature... it’s almost, but i would say is, jealousy. he states, “no one in this company has helped the witcher more than you,” which i find to be of a sarcastic and slightly bitter nature. but it’s not just jealousy that leads regis in this argument, it’s also feelings of protection of geralt as well. he knows, can sense, however regis gets his information as we don’t know how he knows what he knows (he just knows), that geralt and fringilla’s relationship isn’t of an exactly exceedingly loving nature... it’s filled with arguments, manipulation, distrust, anger... with regis being highly empathetic i would say that he could sense this from geralt, but i digress. he disapproves of fringilla’s behavior because she is manipulative of geralt and is attempting to keep him from leaving and finding his daughter so that he may stay in toussaint with her, in this dreamy land.

what i find remarkable about this scene is that regis doesn’t discuss geralt’s quest in a particularly optimistic light. in another work of fiction perhaps, the character would defend geralt’s quest as it would be successful and heroic and beautiful... but regis doesn’t pose it as that, he just describes it what must happen, and what is fated to happen. but he also talks about how any beautiful dream, dreamed too much, can turn into a nightmare, and from this we awake with a scream.

i interpret these two themes of regis’s dissertion to be reflective of his OWN thoughts and feelings towards geralt at this moment in the books. regis has fallen a bit for geralt, but doesn’t find it possible — he likely presumes him heterosexual ((think of ALL of the sorceresses geralt has banged)) and also recognizes the whole witcher/vampire debacle. and on top of this, they’re friends. there’s a fear of ruining this special friendship they’ve cultivated. their friendship is so valuable to regis (re: “friend?”) that he wouldn’t dare do anything to disturb it. so instead, he’s decided to accept reality, the road awaiting them. the dream that he dreams of geralt responding to this affection not what is fated, so he is not allowing himself to go on with it.

but from what we’ve seen from geralt, ie. his unwaning trust in regis, protection/defense of him, respect and genuine intrigue in him — as well as tolerance of him — think of regis appearing twice after geralt told him that it would be best if they never saw one another again, regis asking his hypothetical value, giving unsolicited advice, sitting calmly as geralt tells everyone to pack up to leave toussaint and instead asking him how his day was... geralt honestly cares for him too. add their frequent walks in the palace gardens of beauclair, and a relationship isn’t too farfetched.

of course, all of this is denied towards the end of the lady of the lake, as... yes... we all know. but also, at stygga, geralt chooses again and again to trust regis. when regis says he thinks a reconnaisance flight might be in order— geralt immediately okays it, and doesn’t flinch when he disappears. geralt doesn’t rage at him when he says he left ciri because she told him to warm him instead... and he doesn’t do anything more than eye him suspiciously when he says he ‘could knock down this entire castle.’

geralt’s last words to regis are to be careful. because he cares about him. he wants him to stay in his life. but regis sacrifices himself because he didn’t join geralt to not act when the time needed him. he joined so that he could protect him, and see him and his family happy.

if we are going to stick with themes of jealousy leftover from the argument with fringilla, one could say that regis could also be jealous of yennefer as well because she was dating geralt. i would contest this because unlike fringilla, regis sees that yennefer is good for geralt, they have a relationship together that isn’t destructive and hungry like how he and fringilla were... regis could have very well let yennefer die, if he were that much in love with geralt, right? but that wouldn’t be love, that would be domination. instead, because he loved him, he chose to die. because he knew that to be with yennefer, alive and well, would finally give geralt peace. he made that sacrifice because he felt that reuniting with his family would bring him peace...

geralt doesn’t understand this, i think. he looks at a melted column and thinks “my friend is dead,” not “he died because he valued me.” he is relieved to be with his family, exhausted of fighting and surviving and protecting, thankful that ciri and yen are safe... AND he also mourns, experiences such grief and sadness over his lost compatriots... one emotional turmoil has been lifted, but another, which is just beginning, has been placed upon him.

#emiel regis #geralt of rivia #the witcher #regis #geralt #geregis #thoughts #tagged for the tags

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