#idk where all these words came from

[hippolotamus]

Inspiration Saturday

Tagged by my love @disasterbuckdiaz @tizniz @fortheloveofbuddie @spotsandsocks @diazsdimples thank you lovelies 🥰

An idea that’s been swirling around a bit and all the words are direct from my brain to your dash (sorry) 🫠

“One. One drink,” Natalia reminds Ash once they clear security and make it into the club. She fidgets with the curls falling over her eyes. It’s useless, really. Every time she moves them away they fall right back.

“Yes, darling, I knoooow.” Ash rests the back of her hand on her forehead like a Victorian maiden. “It’s been such a week and you have the Thompsons coming in on Monday.”

“Ash-“ Natalia pouts when her friend interrupts her again. Doesn’t she get it? The business is finally taking off. People are getting more comfortable with talking about death and saying their goodbyes while they’re still alive.

“Nat, babe, I get it. I do. Which is why we’re here. Because for someone that deals with the Soon To Be Deceased you have forgotten how to live. There is more than this business. Honey, you need to let go a little.”

Natalia bristles at the implication that she’s not fun anymore. That she’s all work and no play. It’s not wrong but it still hurts being called on the carpet for it.

“Here.” Ash picks two shots of tequila off the bar and hands one to her. “Don’t give me that bullshit about how it makes you too loose. We have all weekend to recover. Drink up, bitch.”

Ash clinks their glasses together before they down their drinks. It burns worse than Nat remembers and she has to hold back from coughing and sputtering. To Ash’s credit, it does help. Her limbs already feel more relaxed and the stress of dealing with clients melts away for the first time in weeks.

“C’mon, let’s check out our prospects.” Ash whirls them both toward the crowd. A writhing sea of bodies moving in time to the thumping bass. The scene is almost ethereal, cast under the muted lighting.

Platforms of varying heights are strategically placed throughout the dance floor, each with their own unique features. One has a pole in the center that reaches up to the ceiling. Another is surrounded by a cage with an opening to easily walk in and out of. But it’s the platform without any decoration or adornments that catches Natalia’s attention. Rather the woman dancing on it.

She has short blond hair, already beginning to mat against her forehead. A sheen of sweat glistens on her tan skin. Natalia’s throat goes dry taking in the sleeveless black leather corset, tied neatly down the front. It bleeds seamlessly into skintight leather pants. Nat suddenly has the urge to kneel down in front of the woman — on the platform surrounded by everyone would be fine — to mouth at the supple material and hope for the chance to do more. Maybe the long, slender fingers would fist in her hair, hold her in place, tell her she might earn the chance to-

“Earth to Natalia.” Ash snaps her fingers, drawing Nat back to the present.

Her cheeks flush a deep crimson at the prospect of being caught staring.

“Huh, didn’t realize that was your scene,” Ash comments. “You should join her.”

There’s a million reasons why that can’t happen. Not the least of which is how fucking confident and gorgeous this woman is. Like she could point to anyone in the room and have them. Then, like Nat’s thoughts are being broadcast to the universe, the woman angles her body in their direction. She licks her lips and smirks. But it had to be at Ash right? Or someone else. Anyone other than Natalia.

Nat tries to laugh it off, ready to tease her friend about it. But when she looks, Ash isn’t there. Her gaze drifts back to the platform and there’s no doubt who the woman was looking at before. Because she’s studying Natalia like prey.

Ash told Nat to live a little. But maybe being devoured wouldn’t be such a terrible thing.

no pressure tagging @stereopticons @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @giddyupbuck @watchyourbuck @diazsdimples @elvensorceress @wikiangela @honestlydarkprincess @monsterrae1 @gayedmundodiaz @lemonzestywrites @buddierights @eowon @apothecarose @buckaroosheart @jesuisici33 @wildlife4life @the-likesofus @hoodie-buck @theplaceyoustillrememberdreaming @heartshapedvows @loserdiaz @statueinthestone @barbiediaz @singlethread @ladydorian05 @steadfastsaturnsrings @weewootruck @spaceprincessem @vanillahigh00 @chaosandwolves @thewolvesof1998 @theotherbuckley @maygrantgf and anyone else who wants to share 😘

#idk where all these words came from #it was just supposed to be a tiny snippet 🫣 #anyway #inspiration saturday #lutalia #lutalia wip #first meeting #hippo writes #it’s gonna be a goooood time #furthering the lutalia agenda

[raiiny-bay]

the kids released a new album

#ts4 #simblr #ts4 edit #ts4 render #sims 4 #myedits #AUverse #dhestyn #kelly #ok i actually have things to say about this #FIRST OF ALL this is not what i intended to make when i sat down & started working on the bandAU #i had this big elaborate thing planned & then i realized... i didn't wanna do it. at least. not right now lol #idk why i think everything i make needs to be so elaborate & involved bc it doesn't?? like where did i get that idea from? #i can just make something small & silly sometimes yk #n e way. this is like. one of the kids' albums i guess? my thought is that dhes wrote it/was in charge of it #that's why he's on the cover. #kel writes most of their albums (w help from the others ofc) but dhes really wanted to try writing one & this is what came of it #most of the titles don't actually mean anything. they're just like. random words i thought dhes would use lol #but the first 3 are references to the canonverse #also i originally wanted to have dhes shirtless bc 1. symbolism of like vulnerability? #but also 2. i thought the lighting would look pretty against his skin #BUT he has a death note tattoo right there between his shoulder blades & i just.......... could not take him seriously like that so #he had to keep his clothes on

[hecksupremechips]

Come back home when you have some sense

You can throw your life away just not at my expense

You’re not the son I raised

#jhariah #this one just rawrrfrrr #and then uh another line thats like ‘tell me did you raise a man?’ #nice #im just listening to the new album to cope with nasty sickness and feeling out of it #god this album is really good it has every emotion in there like this song for example just the part where they scream the chorus its like #hnnnghhh #hm some other moments from the album im liking a lot uhhh i love re: concerns a lot #the part where hes like reading off the complaints and then the part where hes just screaming and its like BAM BAM BAM BAAAM #sasuke is so good and the bit at the end where its like ‘i just want you to know im so so...’ #like hes gonna say sorry but cant seem to say the word for whatever reason and i know nothing about sasuke #but i has to imagine the fan girlies are eating gravel over that one lol it gets me #and theres just that like spooky echoing afterwards #the intro to fire4fun goes SOOOOOOOO hard i was losing my shit its awesome #the entirety of trust ceremony is giving me big feelings but specifically that part towards the end where its all quiet and you hear #its like whistling i think? like a marching band is coming in maybe #but it also kinda sounds like nature too and idk i like got a little bit um magical at that part cuz i was driving down a big hill #and it had been raining but there was a clearing in the clouds and the sun was bright and like at this particular hill #you can just see everything like the land stretches for miles theres trees hills the river farms all that shit #and idk with the extreme stress and depression ive been feeling its hard to have these moments where life seems worth it #and its hard to really feel anything anymore or to feel in the moment but idk i was just going down that hill seeing everything and it was #very majestic so yeah that song is definitely gonna have the same effect as pin eye for me #which i must mention pin eye again its still OOOOGHH very good it came at a pretty good time for me #yeah basically this album is uhhhh whats keeping me somewhat grounded rn i recommend 👍

[destinyandcoins]

lmao i know it’s 2 seasons later but it just occurred to me: what if, at the beginning of s1, instead of deciding his funeral was the best way to get everyone back in one place, reginald decided to have a wedding instead

not only do we get the entertaining side-plot of this poor person reginald has bribed/blackmailed/begged to marry him For The Con, but the only reason any of the kids show up is because they got a wedding invite and immediately went “oh now this i gotta see”

#the episode is titled ''we only see each other at WEDDINGS and FUNERALS'' #i'm just saying it could have gone the other way #the umbrella academy #half the kids are there to check in with their new stepparent and make sure they're there of their own free will #''idk what he told you but you don't have to do this. say the word and i'll get you out of here'' #''no i promise i. definitely....want to...be here :) :) '' #i can't decide if it's funnier if five knew because time travel and he's already had time to adjust to this concept #so is perfectly polite and accommodating if slightly confused because the personality he built for them in his head isn't accurate #while the rest of them are going through the 5 stages of grief over discovering their dad is capable of romance #or if through some time fuckery five came from a timeline where he saw the news that reginald is dead #and then drops into the timeline in the middle of a fucking wedding and is COMPLETELY blindsided by this #but doesn't have time to deal with this shit #somehow THIS is the timeline where they do manage to prevent the apocalypse #and at the end of everything the new stepparent divorces the fuck out of reginald ASAP because holy shit they were not paid enough for this #and yet they're like ''well i did what you asked (even if you didn't mention the LOOMING APOCALYPSE) #but holy shit i'm taking these kids in the divorce because what the fuck dude what the FUCK. idc if they're all adults #they need a better family and now i'm obligated to be that for them'' #and reginald was playing fast and loose because of the LOOMING APOCALYPSE and didn't sign a prenup #so the new stepparent gets the academy (the property AND the actual kids) and reginald has to move out and live on the streets #tua meta

[fakeoutbf]

five stages of grief but it’s five stages of social anxiety

#walk with me #this morning i got a bouquet delivered to me at work randomly out of nowhere #the note basically said that i could count of the person even if for just some words of advice or a gesture that could make me laugh or mad #count on the person** #i immediately knew it’s from one of my coworkers and ngl i have a very charged?? relationship with them #in the sense that it’s very intense and we can be laughing joking and teasing or we can be really angry and pissed with each other #it can have very extreme emotions even if we just chill most of the time #idk why i think this whole year i’ve been leaning on them more?? and we started texting more often too #so we’ve been more properly friends lately #and for one i was SO EMBARRASSED for getting flowers bc my coworkers tease the shit out of everyone myself included and i’m not used to #gestures like that so obviously they were on my ass all day about it #and everyone asked about them and it’s EMBARRASSING to get that much attention #(me: i wanna be a singer / also me: can’t stand to be the center of attention) #anyway the person that sent them avoided me yesterday out of nowhere??? idk if they thought i was mad bc i didn’t reply to their texts all #weekend but i literally never reply to anyone and pms was a bitch and i just wanted to be alone #so they didn’t talk to me on monday i was mostly just working listening to music bc i was still emotional whatever #and today i did talk to my other coworkers bc it’s the day when my favorite coworker comes in and i talk to them a lot so i engaged more #and they were still ignoring me and then the flowers came in and we didn’t say a single word to each other today we just texted #they told me they sent them and that ‘they forgot’ what they sent and that it was just meant to be a nice gesture #and that bc they wanted to ‘surprise’ me and make me feel better bc i said i was sad at one point?? idek #i literally just want to tell them I HAD PMS ITS FINE I FEEL SUICIDAL ALL THE TIME and move on #bc now i’m second guessing everything they’re saying bc i thought we were friends and there’s no reason why friends can’t send each other #flowers or whatever but they’ve been avoiding me and then they keep answering my texts really weirdly and i always misinterpret flirting bc #i’m never outright romantic with anyone?? plus we’re FRIENDS i should have no reason to think that’s changed #but they’re being so weird and why get me FLOWERS??? idk get me a chocolate or a coffee i don’t NEED flowers #and then i said it was random to give me flowers out of nowhere and they’re like no it’s serious bro what’s serious?????? #your feelings towards me?? or just your will to cheer me up??? #if they don’t reply straight up in their next texts i’m gonna flat out say but it was a platonic gesture right??? #so yeah i’m overthink getting flowers bc what’s the social code for that and what is one supposed to do when they get flowers from a friend #delivered to their joint workplace where everyone can see them and think they’re from a partner or something

[bobmckenzie]

Fake Dating -> JanAUary

word count: 1294

blurb: Caitie helps Bob out when he almost gets caught in a lie.

Apparently a hockey game wasn’t many people’s ideal Valentine’s Day date—last minute tickets had been cheap enough that the singles trio of Bob, Doug, and Caitie were able to score three decent seats to the Maple Leafs game. 

Doug had convinced them that snacks wouldn’t be so cheap though, and that they could smuggle in some small bags rather than pay for food inside the stadium. So they took a trip to the grocery store the day before, perusing the aisles for bags of treats small enough to sneak in.

Doug went off to the chip aisle while Caitie followed Bob to the candy, but she left a minute or two ago to check out the trail mix, leaving him alone to look over the little bags of sweets. He was so distracted he didn’t notice the sound of footsteps approaching him in the empty aisle.

“McKenzie.” The voice of the greeting made Bob’s back go rigid, had him turning around with a startled glare. 

It was Sean LaDue, a general bully growing up who had turned into the strongest player on the rivaling town's hockey team, followed by his younger brother. Sean had slammed Bob against the glass more times than he could count, but even that was less annoying than the general condescension he always used.

Sean nodded to the gummy bears in Bob’s hand. “You eat that crap between games, it’s no wonder you play so badly.”

“Oh yeah?” Bob put on his best tough guy voice as he looked up at Sean. “So like, why are you in the candy aisle then, eh?” 

Sean held up a pink bag of mixed chocolates with a smug look. “Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, these are for my girlfriend.” He let out a snort of laughter. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess you don’t have any plans for tomorrow.” 

“Well, like, you’re wrong, eh. Goin’ to the Leafs game.”

“Plans with that idiot brother of yours don’t count.”

“Doug isn’t no idiot, and it isn’t just us two, eh. ‘Cause like, my girlfriend’s comin’ along too.” It was a stupid thing to say, but the lie he wished was truth slipped out before he could stop it.

“Oh yeah?” Sean’s eyes narrowed. “What’s your girlfriend’s name?”

He knew he shouldn’t say it, knew he should back out of the lie, tell Sean she wasn’t technically his girlfriend… “Caitie.”

“Uh huh. I’ll bet she even came with an air pump to blow her up for you and everything.”

“Take off.” Bob sneered. He saw Sean’s gaze shift behind him and turned to see Caitie coming back down the aisle, stopping right next to Bob, oblivious to the whole situation.

“Would you eat honey roasted peanuts?” she asked him, showing him the box of little packets she brought with her. ”They don’t sell them individually, so I won’t get ‘em if you guys don’t want any.”

“Um,” His gaze flicked to Sean, who was watching them doubtfully. “I… yeah. I like those. Let’s go, huh?”

She laughed. “I didn’t get to look at the candy. Besides, I told Doug to meet us in this aisle.”

Sean stepped a little closer. “What, McKenzie, you’re not gonna introduce me?”

Caitie’s eyes widened a little, looking between the two men, clearly realizing she’d missed something.

His stomach dropped; the jig was no doubt up. “Yeah, um,” Bob gestured to Sean, “Caitie, this is Sean LaDue. We went to school together and stuff.” He was sure she’d remember the name from the few stories he’d told her about him—she was good with things like that. Sure enough, he saw the surprise in her eyes turn into a poorly-hidden scowl. “Sean, this is Caitie—”

“The girlfriend.” Sean nodded. “Bob was just telling me about you.”

Caitie looked at Bob, seemingly waiting for him to step in, to correct the title. But all he did was look up at her with pleading eyes, trying to silently apologize and ask her not to humiliate him all at once.

Still, it was a lot to ask. He was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to go along with it, wouldn’t want to risk word getting around that they were dating—

“Oh, he was?” The words were simple, but the way she sidled closer to Bob, slinking an arm around his waist, said more than he could’ve asked for. His face warmed as she gently tugged him closer, urging him to relax against her side. His face was so warm, he was sure it was going red.

The smug look of Sean’s finally fell. “Yeah. Didn’t know he had a girlfriend.” He cleared his throat, straightening a little as Bob wrapped his arm around Caitie. “Some romantic valentine’s date he’s taking you on. A hockey game with his brother?”

Caitie laughed. “Oh, well… not that I’d mind, but that’s not our date. We’re going to dinner in the city in the evening.” She looked down at Bob with a soft smile. “He even bought me a dress and everything.” She raised a shoulder, turning back to Sean. “I told him not to, but he’s always spoiling me.”

If Bob wasn’t already in love with her, he would’ve fallen right then and there in the candy aisle. Not only was she going along with his lie, but she was making him look like the best boyfriend around. 

He smiled, trying not to gloat. “Well hey, only the best for my girl, eh.” 

The look she gave him told him she was having fun with all of this, that she knew exactly how good it felt for him to rub their perfect relationship in Sean’s face, whether it was real or not. “You’re always using that excuse,” she said, leaning down and pressing a short, warm kiss against his cheek. His heart skipped in his chest, breath catching. He swore he could feel her lips there even after they were gone.

“Well… Nice meeting you. See you at the next game, McKenzie.” Sean nodded a goodbye, sending one last skeptical look at Caitie before turning around and leaving the aisle.

For once in his life, Bob felt like he'd had a conversation with a LaDue without coming out on the losing end. His cheek still tingling, he let his arm fall from around her, though he wanted to pull her into a hug. “Thanks, eh. You like, didn’t have to do that—it was real nice of you.”

She laughed softly, reaching out to brush her thumb against his cheek—her lipstick must’ve left a stain behind, he realized. Part of him wanted to tell her just to leave it. “You don’t think the kiss was overkill?”

He shook his head. If anything, he wished she’d just gone ahead and kissed him on the lips. “Sorry I told him we was datin’. I wasn’t thinkin’—he was just bein’ such a hose.”

Caitie shrugged, smiling as she finished cleaning his face. “I don’t mind. Though, I think you’re a little out of my league.”

He thought she was being sarcastic until he noticed the soft look in her eyes. Before he could say anything, her gaze shifted, eyes widening, urging him to turn and see what had her so stunned. 

It was Doug, of course, walking into the aisle with arms filled with bags of chips that were far too big for sneaking anywhere, and a pint of ice cream to top it all off. As Caitie burst into laughter and headed over to help him, asking how exactly he was planning to hide a family sized bag of Funyuns in his flannel, Bob stayed back for a moment, promising that someday he’d get the nerve to ask if that meant she’d give him a chance as a real boyfriend.

#idk if the LaDue brothers have first names in the cartoon i just made one up LOL i was too lazy to check #i love borrowing the most random things from that show as canon #also i 100% thought this was like 600 words idk where all that came from lsdkjfkjsf #janauary2024 #self ship writing #self ship community #peanut butter and jelly donut #caitiewrites

[irxne]

on the second weekend of january an aunt passes away on the third week of january an uncle passes away you'd never guess what happened on the last weekend of the month... a cousin passes away

#all on my mothers side such a cool month #hope this doesn't prolong til february #i hate going to mass but funeral masses are just awful specially if you're a nonbeliever receiving dirty looks from the old christian ladie #my uncle's funeral was particular in the sense where the were no gravediggers in the village and the people who dug the grave did it wrong #and as you can imagine the coffin didn't fit so they had to dig the grave three times for the coffin to fit in front of the family mind you #which was surreal might i add #when they came to take measurements of the coffin again during the wake i legit thought what if the coffin doesn't fit after all this #little did i know #for the sake of mental health i'm not going to the cousin's funeral and also we weren't close since he was an older man and i rarely saw #his part of the family but my mom will probably go since she liked him and he's closer in lineage wise (idk if that how you say it...) #i feel like lineage is the wrong word but he's like a 4th to 5th degree cousin to me #anywayssss

[that-was-anticlimactic]

one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t

#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap #bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU #lol idk why my head is so bad today #the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it #i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!! #but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do #oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse #sorry guys needed to rant #the inadequacy was strong today #something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like #i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me. #and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but #my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m #missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids #who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me #for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just— #sorry #that felt good actually #idk what came over me #imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags #sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh #okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is

[fiendishartist2]

guys what if i want to make my own apollo justice game.

#i need to write a prequel to aa4 pls pls pls pls pls #okay get this: so phoenix isnt disbarred yet and he doesnt have trucy. hes still taking and winning cases #one day he gets a call from edgeworth and hes all like ''wright i need your assistance'' and hes like what for and edgeworth goes #''ive been given the most ridiculous case and i think youre the only man in law who can take care of it'' #so phoenix bikes his ass to the detention center and boom. child behind bars #and phoenix is like ??? hey kid what are doing here. and this kid is the most surly mfer on the planet like you couldnt get- #-a word out of him if you tried. hes kinda giving phoenix the stink eye too but hes just the littlest guy on earth #and phoenix feels bad for him so he tries to get a rundown of the case (maybe edgeworth gave him an autopsy report or smth beforehand) #but get this. the kid still wont speak. he hasnt even moved a muscle. and after some prodding you find out this little dude- #-doesnt speak english (i dont love aa6 but i think apollos tragic backstory can be interesting so we're going w that but taking it seriousl #anyways so maya is like omg this kid is speaking khurainese but hers is kinda broken bc shes not from the mainland and only knows it- #-from like prayers #so you only get bits and pieces of the kids testimony. plus he still doesnt wanna talk bc ''dhurk told me not to talk to you'' #so you start following the new lead but you ask too many questions and apollos like oh shit i said too much and wont talk to you anymore #but now you have two leads: khur'ain and a man named ''dhurk'' plus the fact that this is kid might be new to america since- #-he cant speak english but is smack dab in the middle of california. its all v curious and phoenix wants to get to the bottom of it #for the rest of the case i feel like it would go in the direction of ''we dont know exactly whats up w this dhurk guy or where this kid- #-came from but we do get him acquitted and phoenix is able to save him from the dark path he was heading towards'' thus steering apollo- #-in the direction of law and giving him a wayyyy better reason than aa6 gave him <3 #i kind of like the interlinked nature of ace attorney's storytelling. like everything leads into smth else and everyone is impacted- #-by another person before they even become properly entangled w each other's lives #like how mia faced dahlia years before she met phoenix but dahlia was the one to connect them #or how trucy gave phoenix the diary paper but she's also the one who ropes apollo into the waa. even before they know they're siblings #or how lamoire left apollo and trucy as children and when they reunite as adults they cant recognise each other but they all find each- #-other anyways #i could go on but i think this could be cool yknow esp bc i think the most interesting thing about apollo's aa6 backstory is his life- #-post dhurk. like where did he stay? was he a foster kid? was he put into the system? how did that affect him? what kind of ppl took him in #i just wanna know how that whole thing would have effected him bc like when yiu think about it how did he even get to america?? his dad's #-considered a terrorist. idk man i think its interesting and apollo and dhurks interactions are one of the only good parts of aa6

[serendipetite]

jimin’s growth from “people will think i’m strange if i call jungkook cute” to “i used to have an idea of what it meant to be a man but now i know i can just be me” ; and “guys don’t kiss” to “what the heck is men?!” ; and tearing up looking at an old photo of himself saying “you tried so hard....my heart breaks for you” just makes me want to wrap him in the softest blanket and keep him safe and tucked in my heart for always

#there's verrry few bts reactors i watch now #only two #but one of them has openly shared how much jimin has helped him come to terms with his own masculinity #and be a softer man and eschew from those toxic thoughts too #all because watching jimin just BE has inspired his own journey through that #and i just want to give jimin a hug #and tell him thank you #he helps so many people in so many ways #just by his existence alone #and i think back to what his dad said #how the sun has shown brighter every day since jimin came to be #and that is just so very true #i know we don't have the same journey #and i don't know his personal life #but his words of 'know that there is a person in korea in the city of seoul who understands you' just reigns so true #anyway i am having a million and one thoughts about him #and what he means to me #and idk where to put all this love #so i'm spilling it out here

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#truly i have too modes. so fucking busy i cant breathe. cant think without a muddled lag. feeling motion sick as i walk #a path ive walked a thousand times over. or not busy enough. without thr pressure i revert to a liquid state and spill across the floor #i cant seem to do anything. at least when im busy i cant feel how miserable i am. at least for a little while bc i have to focus #idk how to find a balance. it always seems to be all or nothing. outside my control but directed by my control #ugh. after the month ive had the misery's caught up with me. also i havent been sleeping enough #i felt horrible all day in the lab ans i was like. i mean maybe its low bloodsugar? but then when i went home i felt 1000 times better #which is. ya kno understandable but not great #idk i can just feel the anger leaking out from under my skin. ive made the system unlivable. now im suffocating on the echo of pain #and i feel bad bc it must b all over my face. bitterness simmering in my words #i met with my boss today for a delayed meeting of a delayed meeting and showed her some preliminary data. she was excited and asked what i #felt abt it. and i dont feel anything abt it. nothing. i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont fucking care #set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything #and im sure some of that sentiment came thru bc she later texted me to reiterate how cool the data is bc no ones done a study this #extensive ans i dont kno how to reply bc again i dont care. theres no breathing enthusiasm back. that dim light has been extinguished. i #look forward to never having to think abt it again. #whatever the more pressing issue is that i cant get my brain to function enough to save me from the other problems i have boiling over #just me sabotaging potential future happiness from where i sit unhappily in the present #annoying. ugh i need to sleep. #unrelated

[ukulelegodparent]

Heartbreaking: This German almost died bc they had to manually select Germany as their location on a German-language website, bc the default was Switzerland or Austria bc that's where the company is from

#jk but also I am always like. surprised by how surprised I am when this happens #like ok swing kitchen I get it you're fancy and from vienna however *I* wanted to order from your new store location #which you didn't let me do anyways bc you're a lying fucking bitch! >:c #I just wanna know how much their fucking burgers cost 🥲 #I genuinely can't remember the last time I came across an instance of like. mindlessly browsing the web and reaching a moment #of like 'oh right Austria exists' #I mean it happens a lot with like seeing czech people talk about stuff related to the German language #which is so funny like earlier today I read an article by some radio in prague idk it was like an international intercultural thing #and it was an article in relation to a czech learning program they have for German speakers #and it was about like how to say where you're from etc. I was looking it up bc I needed the name of the castle that #'Rakousko' comes from. But like even having actively searched for the etymology of the czech word for Austria I had a short moment of like #'ah yeah Austria exists'. I think it might've even had it as the first option which would've been stunning! #Sometimes I feel like Austria is more relevant to the Czech Republic than it is to Germany #Jesus Christ we're terrible neighbours I understand why they hate us #Especially like watching Austrian broadcasts it's like. I get the feeling that Germany does get mentioned quite a bit more #than the other way around even on mundane topics #The dynamic is very much 'I hate you' - 'I don't think about you at all'

[quixotic-gray]

#from percy with love #my only poll #idk where this question came from tbh but ive been trying to decide and i think its important #actually no i think it came from earlier at work i was talking to this guy and all i could think was #he looks like he says 'i implore' just for the sake of using the word implore #tumblr polls

[sludgeguzzler]

im so glad im getting better lately and thinking of the future as full of possibilities and options. what really keeps me going lately has been thinking about graduating high school and moving out and going to college, getting a job, living my life normaly and on my own pace, which is such a big change from the plans i had made just a few months back. im feeling sorta hopeful about my future for once and its great. i want to grow old now. its great

#i mean it doesnt mean i have a clear vision of what i want to be as an adult and if im even gonna go to college #but. idk im living through it #gosh im just. im just so so glad i cant put it into words #its funny too cus just a couple of days ago i was in absolute misery because of the big test i had to do dfshgh #but actually doing it made something click for me i think. i came out of the building feeling so #so light i guess #it was raining a bit and i just wanted to walk #so i told my mom it was too crouded and for her to pick me up someplace else #and i walked to a bus stop while eating one of the worst cereal bars i have ever eaten and my shoes were all muddy and i had a headache #but idk. i felt. really good #you see i am a certified teenager im six months away from being 17 im living that late teen blues #where my face is becoming a little less greasy and my frontal lobe a little more developed #and that means its almost time for college and for drinking and for partying and for moving out #and like. man #its dawned on me that the plans i had the ones about offing myself when i graduated highschool #they just odnt hold up anymore #i WANT to graduate i WANT to move out to my own apartment #i WANT to get a job; to come out properly; to study art; to put these years behind me and live #and im not saying i want to embrace everything that comes with adulthood no #what the fuck even is a tax. what do you mean i have to pay for my own internet. what the hell water bill #but just the fact that i actually want to go through all the shit parts so i can live the good parts means a lot to me #idk at this point im just rambling #dont want to kill myself anymore yippie hooray #schools definetelly gonna be Hell next year but i want to get through it so i can live the good part of life #im also ok about not going to college. like fuck man if i dont go then i didnt go thats that #i do have one (1) cringe unrealistic expectation which is omg what if me and my current bf stayed together forever [autism stare] #at this point im just incoherently rambling sorry there was alot i wanted to say and i ended up losing whatever sense of writing i had. #if you read through all of thank you tho. extremely personal i know but idk. im happy #sg.txt

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

like i literally am obsessed with maybe the perfect old man for me specifically to be obsessed with. like it's so perfect and aligns so well ! it's a miracle, a coincidence, a blessing, a phenomenon. it's almost like there's a reason i like him so much or something!

#*caffeine voice* #myevilposts #like idk it's like the assassination chain meme but like as the levels #of dramatic irony and weird connections bringing us together. the death star addition would be G-D MADE US BOTH ! #or it's like that image from twelfth night of anne hathaway with the sword and everything and *gun is cocked and pressed #against my temple* erm um i mean i like him in a regular way and it's all just coincidences. #actually it kinda is hm what's that word. i like him because of the similarities but the similarities are found because i like him. #so it's like a big loop. incestuous in a way. whatever it means that word means. #whatever that conundrum! means. fuck. syndrome. complex. coincidence. whatever that means. #i don't know. the adjective noun. the incestuous coincidence. you get it. #where one cannot exist without the other essentially. #mutually exclusive ! ah ! the similarities exist in a mutually exclusive way. that's almost it but i feel like there's a more specific #complex or conundrum in psychology that better describes this phenomenon. #we would exist in similar way apart from one another ofc. but by being similar i am drawn towards him and finding similarities. #and even that's not really true because i had to be interested in him at first to like him. finding similarities came further down the line #but you get it.

[pensiveant]

I wish knowing exactly what's wrong with me and why actually helped fix it instead of just making me more self-conscious about it

#90% of my skin problem are caused by my obsessive skin picking and i understand what triggers it and #where it all came from but it's just. it's not enough to actually make me stop #if I'm not bleeding and in pain i don't feel Clean 🙃 #i never talked about this with anymore maybe putting it in words helps idk #i pet thy head foul beast