#set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#truly i have too modes. so fucking busy i cant breathe. cant think without a muddled lag. feeling motion sick as i walk #a path ive walked a thousand times over. or not busy enough. without thr pressure i revert to a liquid state and spill across the floor #i cant seem to do anything. at least when im busy i cant feel how miserable i am. at least for a little while bc i have to focus #idk how to find a balance. it always seems to be all or nothing. outside my control but directed by my control #ugh. after the month ive had the misery's caught up with me. also i havent been sleeping enough #i felt horrible all day in the lab ans i was like. i mean maybe its low bloodsugar? but then when i went home i felt 1000 times better #which is. ya kno understandable but not great #idk i can just feel the anger leaking out from under my skin. ive made the system unlivable. now im suffocating on the echo of pain #and i feel bad bc it must b all over my face. bitterness simmering in my words #i met with my boss today for a delayed meeting of a delayed meeting and showed her some preliminary data. she was excited and asked what i #felt abt it. and i dont feel anything abt it. nothing. i dont care i dont care i dont care i dont fucking care #set my datasheets on fire. burn them to ash. i wouldnt feel anything #and im sure some of that sentiment came thru bc she later texted me to reiterate how cool the data is bc no ones done a study this #extensive ans i dont kno how to reply bc again i dont care. theres no breathing enthusiasm back. that dim light has been extinguished. i #look forward to never having to think abt it again. #whatever the more pressing issue is that i cant get my brain to function enough to save me from the other problems i have boiling over #just me sabotaging potential future happiness from where i sit unhappily in the present #annoying. ugh i need to sleep. #unrelated