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constant-merlin-torture · 2 years

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Merlin Thoughts pt1

I’m just gonna copy and paste one of my notes app rants so that I can collect my thoughts.

I think I wrote this in June.

Alright. Rant here. So, I wanna start off by saying that I’m not here to start a ship war—as someone who is trying to claw my way out of this fandom/my obsession, it’s easier for me to fathom my issues with Merlin as a show if I talk my way through it. So here it is.

My biggest thing after thinking and talking and complaining and watching and reading, I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I had such difficulty watching Arwen on the show was because it felt like 1) the relationship was overcompensating and 2) it felt like Arthur was cheating on Merlin. Now now now I know that the second point is purely subjective, but I want to break down why I felt that way. It honestly felt like it was hard to watch because I would have thought it was cute as hell and would have rooted for it and waited for their interactions—like I do with every show I watch cause I’m a nerd—I instead found myself doing that with Merthur, which for me is a sign that something has gone wrong with the relationship for me to be shipping a relationship that isn’t canon. Arwen would have been SO FUN for me to ship because they have so much cute content.

Like I rewatched the show for the first time, and like there’s an evil Gwen episode where they are just being SO AFFECTIONATE that I love it, but I can’t love it without feeling weird. I think it’s because I’d prefer watching it if it were Arthur and Merlin. Arwen, to give it credit, is cute and deafeningly affectionate, but it feels that there wouldn’t be so much discussion (literally 15 years worth) if the relationship were solid and Merthur was just a fan hallucination. The fact is—these claims to a relationship between Merlin and Arthur that is a step above friendship are sound. Because I think we can all collectively agree that Merlin and Arthur would have been in a relationship if one of them were a girl, so why is it different when Merlin is a man? We can’t hide behind the excuse of them not being sexually affectionate, when there was physical touching, EYE SEX, jealousy (The evil Gwen episode, Gwaine, Lancelot, hello???), trust, emotional dependency, and the fact that they both definitely loved each other.

It’s a beautiful friendship, no doubt about it, and I am not hating on people that think of it that way. I like that too! But I prefer them romantically because I think it works better that way. Also, those that say Arthur was actually jealous with Gwen, obviously. He loved Gwen too. But, I don’t think, at least not the way it is, that he loved her more.

Okay so current time anon here, I just read this after a while and I’m about to get SO ANGRY out of nowhere so just, idk, steel yourself and know that I don’t really feel this way anymore??? I still want to post it to stay true to the original emotions I had, but ngl I’m a little aggressive lol. Again. Again. Again. I love gwen (probs my favorite in seasons 1-3), love Arwen when I watch it and dispel thoughts of Merthur, but prefer merthur. So. here it is.

And, I’m sorry, I’m sick and tired of people saying that they “understand Merthur, but don’t think that the show opting for Arwen was heteronormativity.” It completely fucking was. Arthur and Gwen, for most people, came out of nowhere and the relationship was VERY sappy and it felt like they were screaming at us

“LOOK! see! THEY ARE IN THE SAME ROOM SO ARTHUR LOVES HER AND oh you don’t believe it???? WELL HERE LETS TAKE GWEN OUT OF THE ROOM AND HAVE HIM BRING HER UP????? oh you’re saying that he does that with Merlin too and more often and louder???????? THEN HERE LETS STICK SOME STUPID PROPHECY OR PREMONITION AND oh you’re saying that he has that with Merlin too, and that he is his destiny????? shit man that makes sense what do we do——LETS JUST SCORE SOME OVERLY ROMANTIC MUSIC AND PUT LIGHT ON ANGEL COULBY CAUSE SHE LOOKS MAGNIFICENT IN IT AND THEN HAVE ARTHUR MAKE HEART EYES ok I know he does that last bit with Merlin too BUT YOU DIDNT EXPECT THAT WED MAKE THEM KISS DID YOU??????oh you did cause that’s usually how shows tell you to ship a couple gotcha well your argument makes sense but sucks to be you but here take some queerbaiting and some overdone Arwen scenes and ooop let’s kill Arthur and byeee.

I’m mad yes.

Okay thats it. That’s the rant I wrote in my notes app. It’s funny to see how angry I got, but I think I’m better able to collect my thoughts now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. Don’t judge till I’ve posted that tomorrow!

#merthur #merlin x arthur #bbc merlin #merlin emrys #merlin #gwen #guinevere #arthur #arthur pendragon #arwen #fuck uther #cause why not #also this is a joke #not really #but these thoughts are old

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6irlpet · 2 years

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As a sub, your posts have helped me so muuch to be more comfortable and gently exposed to some hardcore kinks. Ive become much more open and less judgemental to them, even accepting im into some of them. A loooot of the harcore kink blogs on here are mysoginistic (as a kink), mainly for men or BY men, so this blog is rlly nice to have a space that doesnt gross me out. So far ive been inspired by you to explore my stockholm syndrome kink and also my ponyplay kink (even tho you dont have posts about it, you post a lot of petplay and that helped). Love u take care <3

ok serious non horny talk for a moment!!

first im sorry for sitting on this ask so long, i wanted to give it a good answer and then i uhhh forgot because i’m awful.

but this made me very very happy and glad and idk kink is something im really passionate about, i think there is so much harmful puritan socially regressive rhetoric out there even among proclaimed leftists saying porn and harder kinks is bad and like…. its not cool! its not feminist! ur not doing activism by shaming people for stuff u dont like! sexuality is normal and natural and there is nothing wrong with exploring these things safely, and i actually think doing so can be such a good healthy self exploratory experience of intimacy and bonding. especially kink and d/s, getting to explore sensation and psychological/emotional side instead of like, ‘sex is for procreation anything outside the accepted mainstream norm is deviant this mindset totally hasn’t caused harm historically’

it’s very hard sometimes to have these hardcore kinks, i spent years trying to deny i was into them, believing that things like cnc/cgl/porn in general were harmful, and its just not true. it’s always existed and it’s always going to exist and if we try to shame things and sweep them into the dark, ppl dont stop being into them, they just end up losing community and practicing unsafely. no one has to be into harder stuff, but the nastiness about it (sooo many times ppl will reblog a post of mine and i go to their blog to see like, ‘ddlg is abusive and ur a freak dni’ like Ok. dni with me first?) and saying that being into these things means ur into rape/csa irl is just untrue and so harmful (again, just forcing ppl to feel ashamed, practice unsafely, and lack community to come forward when theyve been harmed by a play partner) like if people can understand why violent video games doesnt make you a violent person, the only thing stopping them from understanding the same about harder kinks and porn is internalized reactionary christian bullshit lol.

i spent years thinking these kink were gross and “problematic” and im so much happier accepting that actually…. u can just let people do things! u dont have to like things!! u can blacklist it u dont have to make an excuse why its inherently bad!!!!! i used to have such bad sub drop even solo masturbating bc of guilt/shame for my hardcore fantasies, i’ve had to learn how to give myself good aftercare and tell myself its normal and fine and ppl who matter dont care (and its true! i have a v supportive group of friends, some that i play with, who know what im into and dont care even tho theyre not into it!!!) so hearing that ive helped you feel more comfortable exploring these things has made me v happy :’)

and that being said, like u said, theres definitely an overwhelming amount of hardcore kink on here that cis men run that just, feels gross to me. they reek of Fake Dom™️, they don’t care about kink and consent, they just wanna use u to get off and neglect the emotional side of the connection. and for a looong while i put up with it thinking it’s just what these kinks were like. that i had to have a degree of discomfort forcing interactions with men and misogyny play. but it’s not! i ended up remaking from my old blog and making this one because there were so many of those types of men following me and sending me asks/msgs and it was getting so bad for my mental health.

and fine, whatever, but i wanted to have a space that was exploring these kinks for femmes, for trans people, like im writing for me and ppl like me, who like the things i do. and im much happier for it (and i still have to block like 50-100 blogs every time i log in here, and had to turn DMs off bc i was getting so many from the 40M Greg Ohio Sadistic Daddy blogs full of stolen content despite my pinned. demonstrating some real great understanding of consent there huh guys /s)

anyway. im very very happy to get this message and im glad that my lil horny ramblings can be appreciated in such a way. not only are we okay for liking extreme stuff but we’re also extremely fucking cool and sexy. have a good night 😘

#ask #sorry for longpost but ahhhhgghh my Thoughts about kink #and my fuckin past with having to remake blogs bc there was no recovering it #THIS blog is a party babyyyy we are beating gender’s ass and indulging gross kinks #a lot of my posts r purposely gender neutral for this reason!#Thoughts #that will be a tag for if i ever get serious again. hopefully i do not

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taylorbuggtaylortot · 6 months

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Wanna know someone’s true character? Be genuine and loving to them & watch if they take advantage or not. They give back or burn out? They give in or give out? 🤷🏻‍♀️ You shootin your own gahd damn self In the foot. Imma walk away happy as fuck knowing I ain’t color blind when a mother fucker wanna show they true colors.

Girls want men who will treat them like a slut while loving them more than anything. It’s a drug problem. That’s why we accept poor choices of men. We don’t know our worth. I know that

Reading this helped me figure out what I know. Writing helps me figure out what I know.

Home girl told me she felt my freedom the other day and it resonated with me on a whole other level. Probably changed my life and perspective a little bit.. level ups. Lol

This is who I am though. Been confused about how I been feeling but if you know who you are, you figure those emotions out. I haven’t been able to label my emotions properly lately, I guess having gotten out of my last situation, I was looking for my new self. The one I’m creating with out him. And I’ve been acting sad as hell while looking happy all the time... I’ve been being strong. I feel like being free means losing everything because it takes losing everything to know what true freedom is. Im learning how to lose everything and not care. For the record, im not talking about my house and everything like that I lost oddly enough, I’m talking about losing him . I loved him more than I even realized but it was toxic. I’m speaking on my breakup finally I guess to myself. I am admitting all of this to myself. Idk why I blocked it out?? Most people don’t know this unless I’m friends with them personally and so anyone who knows found out by paying attention to the fact I moved and asking me about it. But he was my everything. So yes that makes me sad unfortunately. I don’t want to feel that way but I do. I don’t wanna feel down but that emotion demands to be felt and I don’t know why. I guess I’m still figuring out a lot. I thought being free would fix everything and it did and it didn’t. I guess I’m figuring out what really matters to me. I never realized how much I didn’t actually care about anything other than myself.

And I thought I was the most giving person. I did it cause I was taught you were supposed to, not cause I cared about them.,I had respect. But I know undoubtably I gave a complete fuck about this one man... until I didn’t. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to think being free will make me happy but what about love? Love makes people happy and that’s just a fact if you still have human emotions and you aren’t that fuckin numb yet. Maybe it’s hope. I guess I need to learn love for other people including myself. I have standards and respect towards myself but I don’t think that I have love towards myself.

I don’t care about myself even tho I do things to make myself look like I do , it’s not even cause I actually do all the time. I just believe in doing what’s right. Im un numbing myself from a state I lived in to deal with my last relationship. I’ve been liking dudes who don’t care cause I’m used to being that person and it makes me draw connection but now in partners im drawing connection on better things to want better for myself. Next time both of us are caring and I don’t know how to make sure of the others persons side but im gonna have to do that if I’m gonna love again.,that just breeds more trust issues ?ha... just realized this whole thing is a conversation with myself. Am I saying that just because I’m free should mean im happy though? We all think freedom makes us happy.,

I’m feeling free. I realized that’s how I look and if you know me you can read it too I’m sure. I got rid of my monster and I have never been more in touch with myself while feeling chaotically out of place simultaneously knowing that I’m right where i am meant to be.

Funny how being free makes you so tired in life because losing everything you ever wanted is stressful as fuck. Especially when it was your only means for stability after exiting the most unstable phase of your life after never knowing it.

I’ve been dissociated and auto piloting my whole entire life. I am becoming my higher self now that I developed the ability to realize what I was doing to put in the work to want to do better. I was made to feel like it was impossible love me.. I knew it was acting or what they thought they were supposed to do so they did it. my whole life despite everyone’s efforts to not act that way, I just knew I didn’t belong to my family because they acted like they cared which they did but I was never a priority like they had other things to worry about and I wanted them to include me and love me how they loved other people they loved ... that’s how I knew it was different and it wasn’t real love cause they treated some one else better than me.

Did I just say that treating some one good means you love them? I don’t believe that either. The people who love you like really love you are gonna be the hardest on you, and I just started realizing that I was so damaged of losing my mom and sisters at a young age that I never properly opened myself up to being loved… I’m starting to believe that it’s not. I don’t care and I give no fucks but at the same time you’d say because I have that care

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gavinsmg24 · 1 year

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Responding in order as posted today! So ripping that depressed bandaid! Rawrrr!

So! Baby’s been feeling low energy. Or not having fun. Or just doing what needs done. Humph! I know it’s hard to think of things to have fun. Trust me. If I wasnt so dead set on games idk what I’d most of the time. Probably YouTube n shows which is nice but only for so long. It’s hard to be like. Physical fun! Cuz that’s fun but also work. Like. Surfing n swimming and going on nature walks are nice. But. You still gotta push yourself thru the “work” aspect of it. Sometimes you just wanna relax! All the time! Hehe not really but I feel likes that’s me. But to be fair. Even tho your not working. Having to run / take care of a house all the time is a job! Housekeeping! Duh!🙈 but! Idk also maybe with the way your partner makes you feel maybe that’s why it feels like a job or that you don’t have time for fun. Bcuz maybe your so focused on making the house a way that won’t cause any drama. And that eats up your thoughts of fun and time for fun. Or maybe it’s just the actual depressed factor and it’s just hard to have fun that way. Well. That being said. I know your just down and that’s why you say isn’t necessary to run the house. Well! That may be true! But a house can’t run without a person to run it! And a person can’t run without a reason to! People need drive. Why clean a house if not to have fun within. Should we clean homes and then walk on spikes! No! (I’m being silly hehe) we make our homes clean so that way we can mindlessly do whatever we want! Imagine your cute butt. Cleaning the house. Nothing to think about! And now your playing a game. You can’t be distracted with thoughts of chores. There done! Now! You’ve cleaned so much that. Who cares! 😝 the house can get a little messy. That’s why we have laundry baskets! Cabinets! All those “messy” out of place things. Have spots to sit. Just like you! That couch! Gaming! Now of course we can substitute gaming. With! Drawing! Listening to music. Shows! Your creative. It’s hard to think of stuff tho. Draw a bird and a cage! Will you draw it inside the cage? Or flying freely. And which one is how you feel. And which one do you want to be! I bet you could do that too 🙈 you’re so talented! And I know that silly words can’t break the day day downers you may feel. But! You deserve to slack off and do anything you want! Walk around. Ride a bike. See a movie. Play a game. Draw. Take a class / lesson for something. Pottery. Music even tho you know instruments could always meet others that way. It’s hard to do and easy to say. Bcuz. I myself haven’t done much of those extroverted things I’m telling you. But! I want to! It may be silly but as long as we want! We’ll make it happen! Even if it’s slow 🙈 Baby steps and little victories! It’s how we get the big wins! I believe in you. I love you! And I hope your days get better soon. We share the moon but you are sunshine! 🥰

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boredymcbored · 2 years

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What if

I really like you? Like a lot.

But I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. Not cause I didn’t want it. Cause frankly, it’s been at the top of my mind a while. More than a while. Kissing you. Holding you. Whispering sweet nothings into your ear. Going on dates. Being goofy together. Getting to know *you* without everyone else around. Cause the homies are the homies, they must be loved and appreciated. But I want that time just with you. Only with you.

But then

I just got done being a rebound. And sure I know the rebound was definitely probably a bad idea. When you have sex and the girl you’re with literally cries about their ex afterwards... It’s probably not a good thing. But I wanted to make it work and we had good times. Great times. But eventually she wanted to see more. Do more. And... I wasn’t enough. I was. But not to her.

So now the world has brought you me. Who is so sweet. So kind. So amazing. Goofy. Sharp tongued. Talented as h e l l. I mean, draw up a girl I’d like and you be there. And there’s still so much left. to. learn.

And I wanna learn it. I do. All of it. But maybe it’s a bad time. I’m unsure cause, well, didn’t you say that you were out this long ass relationship? That you just wanted to explore? And see things? And I wanna respect that. Not be selfish and demand to be the only/main nigga in this whole shebang. Cause if I really really got what I truly wanted??? You, me, closeness, touching, lovin, exploring, laughing, grinding, wining, whining, finding... idk more ing words. But like me. I am the captain.

So now I’m just trying to figure it out. Cause when you said you wanted to kiss me... shit, that’s everything I want and have been trying to hint at and more. Down to the dreams and fulfilling so many more. Who writes that about someone they weren’t really feeling that much right?

...Right?

But it seems too good to be true. Cause of what you said about wanting to just explore. Cause I literally just got here. Cause there’s a whole den of niggas knocking down your door. What makes me special?

It’s funny cause I feel more, and I want to allow myself to feel all that I feel but a smarter more protective move would be to keep my shit tempered til I know for sure. And knowing how womaning with other women goes, you really would have to like tackle me and explicitly tell me how you feel point blank to my face for me to actually believe it. Ok, not really but, this ain’t like with niggas. We don’t be over assuming and proudly loud wronging since it’s been a thing we’ve had to face from sometimes gross dudes before (stereotypically). And I ain’t trying to be gross.

I don’t even really know if that post is for me. I really could be just typing and opining for no reason. Too many people causing interference makes this harder to gauge. Whatever.

I feel how I feel but how I feel is also highly dependent on how you feel cause feelings are fluid and I’m not getting hurt so if you don’t feel anything I don’t feel anything but if you feel everything THEN HOOOOOO BOOYEEEEE

#feelings #they aren't real #ok they are #but #they are very fluid #I really only am allowing myself to get as deep as I see #i don't wanna drown #i really want to go to the deep end #but do I have my floaties?#idk the last little bit of this is complete nonsense cause i've been tired for hours #i want you though #like more than sexually #that I can confirm #how far do you want it to go it the question #respecting boundaries this time cause #i didn't even mean to cross em the first time #i'm so sorry #i fully intend on telling you i want to kiss you again #but I feel I should let the previous ordeal blow by a bit #cause writing this I got frustrated and wanted to just go gun hoe #I'm tired #but more than physically #just of the uncertainty #i really gotta stop liking women that are just getting outta relationships #not really #cause then I wouldn't like you #but like #how much easier would navigating all these other shits have been???

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letterstotheflre · 2 years

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Me? 🌼

Also hello hi how are you i am literally so exhausted from studying and i also have a dumb crush on a boy it's so stupid ughhhh

#so pretty!!!#OMG HI ISH I’LL ANSWER HERE IN THE TAGS #WE’VE HAD THE SAME WEEK WHAT?!?#whenever i had a tiny break from studying i would spend it staring at a wall #cause my brain was so exhausted it couldn’t even stand to read more words on a screen #I HAVE A CRUSH TOO DBSJSJ #well no it’s not a crush #idk if i’m saying that cause it’s true and i don’t wanna make myself believe i like someone just cause i’m bored #or bc i actually have a crush and i don’t want to.. go all crazy lolll #he’s on my anatomy class and #ITS SO EMBARRASING SHSJSKF #i couldn’t concentrate bc i kept thinking ‘oh what is he doing’ ‘is he close?’ ‘is he looking at me?’ ‘plsplspls let us be in the same group #spoiler alert: we were not in the same group #but then he had to leave cause he felt bad and just in case it was covid #and once he left i was able to get into work mode 😭😭😭#i hate myself why am i like this #TELL ME ABOUT YOURS!!!#devils roll the dice #fire lord ish

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unpretty · 3 years

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askdump with spoilers up to chapter 22! but also including some older ones because i keep forgetting

bramblepatch asked:

I LOVE the implication that the answer to Minnow's "cool, I wonder why there would be a door here?" is that Vaelon decided "cool, let's put a door here." Heroes Just Wanna See Cool Shit.

being able to set your own fast travel markers is the dream

@apparently-possessed asked:

I can't believe no one has commented on how Karzarul has the gall to call the Abysscale erotica scandalous. You made them to have sex with sailors you horny buffoon. You go off and find them in

Groups for frustrated sex.

No excuse my dude. They have always been the horny monster.

that was a PRIVATE INTERLUDE between a monster and several different ships worth of sailors and also sometimes other monsters and someone was INDISCREET which is RUDE and he would not have invited them if he'd known they would snitch

also tbh he was mostly offended by the implication that he was some kind of monster bimbo

anonymous asked:

"Monsters that are just slime orbs would have implications" yes, because the entire design and origin of Abysscales is completely without implications.

i find those implications less distressing tbh

@bramblepatch asked:

On rereading the last couple of chapters: as tragic as Vaelon's wish binding them all together is, it kind of seems like it might not be all bad for the world around them? Lynette already had her blessing at that point and I feel like a Sunlight Heir who didn't have that kind of persistent connection to the Hero and Monster would have the potential to go waaaay off the rails a lot more often than Heirs do anyway. Karzarul might be the one blatantly causing problems on most cycles, but having him and the Hero active when the Heir comes to power at least keeps them focused on their reincarnation bullshit...

you cannot deny that the hero does try to stop them from killing each other and also everyone else

he never said he'd succeed

@spinachwrap asked:

BIGGEST BOY It took me til chapter 20 to understand how Violet and the boys showed up and I about yelled. New! Monsters!!!

@asimovsideburns asked:

Sorry I’m just thinking about Astielle again and most if not all of Ari’s humanoid forms being at least partly imitative of someone he likes (and the others being made of what he thinks they’ll like) because moonlight is a reflection

@ephemeraltea asked:

part of what i love so much about your writing, particularly noticeable in astielle, is that you take a silly or off-hand thing and make it have true depth and emotional weight. like. collect one of everything from this open world video game. but for minnow, it's proof that she has desires outside of previous lives, that her experiences are not just slowly pixelating copies of things she's done before. this flower, i know i've seen it as me, because i have it pressed and saved at home. i have a memory of it that is only mine. and that fucking gets me!!!!

anonymous asked:

Karzarul getting all huffy about monsters naming themselves after descriptors *shakes my head* This is a TRADITION OF YOUR PEOPLE carried out EVEN TO THIS DAY *gestures to Violet who is... violet* I don't want to hear anything from you on the topic Mr. Beautiful.

anonymous asked:

RE: Karzarul getting huffy. It's probably influenced by the little Vaelon voice in the back of his head repeating "But that isn’t really a name..." over and over again, but still. I don't want to hear it from you, Mr. Beautiful!

anonymous asked:

Just from the way Karzarul responds to being told Elias died of being old with an Unconvinced Hm™ it seems like he knows about the immortality thing. But maybe they DO start aging after one (or more) of them dies?

@ceruleanvulpine asked:

RETURN OF “I WANT YOU WHATEVER YOULL GIVE ME�� AHHHH

anonymous asked:

MA'AM. MA'AM HOW COULD YOU. I can't believe you did this to us VAELON NO

listen. i did it to myself also.

@punkpixieprince asked:

god even when I KNEW how it ended I still cried SO MUCH. I'm still crying right NOW. I imagined it in so many ways but honestly knowing it was an accident, that even after everything he killed her on accident, just really... destroyed me a little.

anonymous asked:

Vaelon: If I like everything *just the right amount* and not too much, then I won't want to commit suicide when it's gone. FORTUNATELY, I only have one person that applies to. And EXTRA fortunately she is now immortal. ... UNFORTUNATELY, there are now TWO people. EXTRA unfortunately, they are now trying to kill each other.

it turns out having gratitude-based cbt and existential nihilism as your religion has its limits as a depression treatment when literally no one around you has ever noticed that's what you're doing

anonymous asked:

What Vaelon Says: I don’t want any of us to be alone. What Vaelon Means: I don't want to be alone, and I don't mind leaving Karzarul alone if it means I can avoid being without one of the two people I can't live without.

vaelon has always vastly overestimated the extent to which karzarul wandered off to hang out with the many cool new monster friends his mom made him, and who he never wanted to introduce him to

anonymous asked:

Excited about the first mention of Moon priests. Also enjoy having my personal belief that the Sun priests are insufferable validated. Vaelon is STILL the only Void priest in evidence, ever. Understandable, seems like a difficult calling. *imagines poor little deluded Star priests running around in modern times being VERY WRONG*

anonymous asked:

They get a little mark on their hand to show who killed who? Does that work with people not-them? Did Leland wander around with a little sun on his hand from killing all the heirs? Is that how he's been telling everyone HE's the heir??? Did it happen to some random guardsman the first time and then Leland murdered him to try and get it himself? *chanting* Mark of Cain, Mark of Cain!

anonymous asked:

Idk if I should be happy or devastated for predicting what would happen for the most part in chapter 21 and 22. But also wth the sun on his hand???? Where are those terms and heckin conditions please tell me those were as immutable as the weapons

anonymous asked:

That Lynette died with her left hand clean makes me feel violent emotions. How many? Monsters with Vaelon’s face and deaths that Karzarul could feel. Enough to get used to it. She waited until he said he wasn’t connected to them. She spat monster like a slur. Sun circle advisors whispered in the ear of a woman who’d asked to be able to commit atrocities that her empire was the world. You’re too good at this, I don’t know if I can recover.

(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

anonymous asked:

Yeah, Lynette. You never asked for help, AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

anonymous asked:

“Why is it always my fault?” That's a very valid question, Karzarul. I can't think of any time the other two attempted to accommodate you, other than Vaelon mentioning he started helping people because he knew it bothered you, or him taking you back to the lake when you were in visible physical distress. Even when you hadn't done anything to cross her empire, when the only thing you'd taken from her was a small amount of Vaelon's attention, Lynette blamed you.

anonymous asked:

“Of all the fucking things you could have done, You made a new one. Another fucking monster, with his face. Do you think that’s going to stop me? Or do you think you’re proving something, making me kill him? Having to see his face, again and again and again, every time I kill one of those fucking things? His face, staring back at me, every fucking time and now you’ve made another one." ...Not everything is about YOU Lynette.

anonymous asked:

I loved learning that Vaelon designed Karzarul's moon/bug motifs.

anonymous asked:

Gaslight (Karzarul about things being his fault), Gatekeep (Karzarul away from Vaelon because if you can't have him *the way you want him* nobody can have him), Girlboss (of an empire that is actually only negatively impacting your mental health and it would be better for you to ditch that gig)

karzarul just hated to see a girlboss winning 😔

#original #writeblogging #astielleblogging #astielle spoilers

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carcinized · 3 years

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for all your analysis needs, i present to you minutes 51:43-1:09:56 (all arguments in the ruins of the community house) of the green festival vod transcripted. i spent hours and hours on this PLEASE reblog

---

Tubbo: Tommy did this?

Dream: Tommy blew up the Community House.

Tubbo: I don’t understand.

[Indistinguishable yelling]

Dream: We were this close to peace! We were this close! I trusted you guys for once ever!

Tubbo: Wait. We had no--we had nothing to do with this, Dream.

Fundy (overlapping): This has nothing to do with us.

Dream: You- you- you didn’t- you didn’t- you- you didn’t know- at all. You had no idea.

Ranboo: There’s no affiliation.

Fundy: No! No! No! No! No! No!

Quackity: Why would we affiliate with some dumb shit Tommy does?

Tubbo: Zero idea!

Quackity: Why?

Dream: Cause Tubbo--Tubbo, listen. You still have his disc.

Tubbo: Yeah? What about the--

Dream: That means you’re affiliated. No matter what. That is his most prized--

Tubbo: It doesn’t--

Dream: --possession. And if I don’t have the disc, or he doesn’t have the disc, then guess what! You are affiliated! You have the disc!

Tubbo: I don’t-- I don’t-- I don’t--

Dream: Look what he did!

Tubbo: I don’t know why he would do this!

[Unintelligible arguing]

Ranboo: He has nothing to do with--

Dream: This was the oldest building on the server!

Fundy: Yes it was but he was-- [banging desk] he was supposed to stay away, Dream!

Tubbo: I don’t--

Fundy: He was exiled!

Dream: Yes, and he came back.

Tubbo: Why?

Dream: And you know who knew he came back?

Fundy: Why--What is this--wha- wha- Why would he--

Tubbo: Who knew he came- Woah, woah, everyone be--Who knew he came back?

Dream: Alright, listen. [pause] I’ll tell you in a minute. This is what needs to happen, okay? Look, you--you need--you have to--he has to pay for this. He can’t just--He can’t just come and like--listen, this is terrorism!

Tubbo: Yeah--

Dream: This is the worst--This is the worst event that has ever happened on the server. This is the oldest building. The most historic building on the entire server. And the only major structure of the Greater Dream SMP.

Tubbo: I can’t believe he would do this.

Quackity: Why?

Tubbo: I can’t bel- I can’t believe it.

Quackity: When?

Dream: I need you- I need you to--

Quackity: Are we getting walled out though? I don’t- I don’t- I don’t get it! What- what- what- what affiliates us to him?

Fundy: Yeah, exactly.

Dream: Because Tubbo has--Tubbo is the president and Tubbo. Has. The disc.

Tubbo: I don’t--

Ranboo: But aren’t you supposed to be the one who’s watching him the entire time?

Tubbo: You were meant to enforce his exile, Dream. I don’t see how this comes down on us.

Ranboo: You have to enforce how he’s been exiled.

Dream: How- how could I enforce his exile if I don’t have the disc.

Tubbo: You have one of them, do you not?

Dream: I have one. I don’t have both. I need both.

Tubbo: You need- both. [pause] I actually just can’t believe he would do this.

IDK WHO THIS PERSON IS CRY: This- this needs to be handed over and burned, right now.

Fundy: It’s- it’s- this has nothing to do with anything!

Dream: See, Punz has been around, Punz knows.

Quackity: Stop affiliating us!

Dream: Callahan is even here! Callahan’s even here to see the destruction.

Fundy: This has nothing to do with anything!

Dream: This is the worst thing that’s ever happened. Just--

Ranboo: This doesn’t have anything to do with L’manberg.

Quackity: But this isn’t our fault, we didn’t do this!

Fundy: It really isn’t! This is what Tommy did! We- we- we’re--

Dream: Okay but listen! You’re right, you’re right, you’re right, you’re right. This is what Tommy did. I won’t--I won’t blame you.

Tubbo: Okay.

Dream: But give me the disc.

Fundy: What?

Quackity: What?

Fundy: That’s--this is--

Dream: Listen! If you’re not affiliated with Tommy, then give me the dumb disc! That’ll solve everything! Everyone wins here! I bet you--Sapnap, Callahan, Ponk, Badboyhalo, everybody, Awesamdude, literally everybody here!

Fundy: Tubbo?

Sam: We built this house before anybody else was even on this server.

Ponk: Yeah!

Sam: I can’t believe this.

Fundy: This is- I-

Sam: I…

Ponk: This has gone too far.

Tubbo: There must be another way, surely, surely. Is there any other way?

Dream: No. There’s not- there’s not another way, Tubbo.

Punz ? : Fundy, you can hand over the disc.

Ranboo: There’s gotta be another way. There’s gotta be.

Tubbo: So you’re saying--I need to give--Is one not enough? Both of them are--It just seems--

Dream: No because if you have one then he’s always- he’ll always have faith that he can just get it back because you’re affiliated. Look, I- you, if you want nothing to do with Tommy, then have nothing to do with Tommy. Don’t- don’t associate yourself by having the most- one of the most prized possessions on the server. He just destroyed the most prized building on the server. This has been around since the beginning!

Tubbo: I just can’t believe it.

Quackity: It doesn’t- it doesn’t make sense! Ohhh my god. I don’t understand why we have to--

Tubbo: I just don’t believe it.

Quackity: --why we have to keep suffering the consequences of his stupid actions.

Tubbo: He was meant to be gone!

Fundy: He was gone! He was gone!

Ranboo: He was gone!

Fundy: When did this- when did this happen?

Tubbo, claiming his dog: Oh, sorry, that’s mine.

Dream: It happened- I don’t know, I logged on and the Community House--

Fundy: It literally- I literally-

Dream: I don’t know. I logged on and it was- I was in the Community House and I was just in water.

Tubbo: I don’t-

Dream: This was my safe place to… y’know, be safe. But listen, listen.

Fundy: What’s the reason for telling--

Dream: I need the discs. I need the disc.

Fundy: Dream--

Tommy: No!

Tubbo: What--?

Tommy: No, no. Li- li- li- li- no, no you- you don’t--

Tubbo: Uh…

Fundy: Tommy?

Dream [referring to Tommy’s in game character, who is invisible but wearing armour]: Is this you? Are you in this?

Tubbo: Is that--

Tommy: Yeah. Yeah you don’t need-- You don’t need--

Dream: Tommy, listen. You fucked up! I’m- I- I don’t ca- Like listen. Tubbo’s going to give me the discs--

Tommy: It’s what--No! No, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream! This doesn’t look like something I would do?

Dream: YES! YES IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO! WHO ELSE WOULD DO IT?

Technoblade: Guys, guys. Tommy didn’t do this, okay? He didn’t do this.

Punz ?: Okay Technoblade.

Fundy: That’s Technoblade? Why- why are you both here?

Tubbo: Why are you here?

Technoblade: GUYS! Okay, listen. Listen, I know I’m probably not the most reliable person to the government, but Tommy wouldn’t lie to me, okay? He said he didn’t do it--

Tommy: Yes! I don’t lie!

Technoblade: He wouldn’t lie to me.

Tommy: Unless he--

Dream: He lied about burning George’s house down! “He wouldn’t lie” he’s the biggest liar on the server!

Niki ?: He lies about everything!

Technoblade: He wouldn’t lie to ME, Dream! He’d lie to you but he wouldn’t lie to me!

Dream: He’s the biggest liar on the server!

Tommy: No!

Dream: Technoblade, I don’t think this involves you.

Jack Manifold: That’s true.

Technoblade: Now I- I didn’t wanna be involved either, but Tommy ran in, man! I--

Fundy: Wait, so Tommy did do this?

Dream: Yes, Tommy did this.

Ranboo: Why?

Tubbo: So, I mean the fact that you’re here kind of proves his point. You’re not where you’re supposed to be.

Dream: Yeah, you’re supposed to be exiled! You’re not supposed to be here!

Tommy: Yeah, yeah! We thought- we thought- we thought we could--

Dream: Why are you here?

Tommy: We thought we could give our friend a pat on the back with knives!

Dream: You destroyed--

Technoblade: I mean you’re out here accusing him of crimes and you’re saying just defending himself makes him guilty?

Dream: He’s not even supposed to be here!

Technoblade: Ah, yeah. Whatever. Laws, cringe.

Tommy: No, you can’t- no, this- no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Technoblade: This isn’t even part of L’manberg, this is part of--wait I don’t know where this is actually.

Dream: Tubbo, just give me the disc.

Ranboo: Dream SMP.

Tubbo: I’m- I just-

Technoblade: Ah, yeah, Dream SMP. Thank you, Ranboo.

Tommy: You’re not gonna-

Ranboo: You’re welcome.

[Tubbo opens the enderchest and Tommy hits him.]

Tommy: Woah, stop, stop it!

Fundy: Are you actually--?

Tubbo: Woah!

Tommy: What the fuck! You’re not just gonna give him the disc, are you?

Tubbo: You- you’ve literally proven time and time again that you can’t be trusted!

Tommy: What? What, no I haven’t. No, no, no, no, you have to exile me! Don’t give him the disc cause as soon as we- as soon as we, y’know, take down [unintelligable] then we’re fine! We’re fine! We’ll be- we’ll be back! [pause] w-

Tubbo: I don’t think that’s an option anymore.

Tommy: Tubbo, you spend all this time, you do all these speeches, talking about how I was a bad friend, how I was the one being reckless, and going out and doing things, and being bad! But… you won’t even stick up for me right- right at my lowest point. Do you know- do you know what he did to me in exile, Tubbo?

Tubbo: No!

Tommy: You don’t.

Tubbo: I thought you died!

Tommy: But you didn’t come and see me. And you still don’t care I’m here. You know what? You’re the shit friend, Tubbo.

Tubbo: Yeah, well, at least- this has your name written all over it!

Tommy: IT WASN’T ME, IT WASN’T ME! This has nothing to do with [unintelligable]

Tubbo: You’re literally acting exactly as you acted when you burned down George’s house!

Tommy: Yeah, but in my defense, that times- that time was funny.

Tubbo, laughing: That is not a defense!

Tommy: That just wasn’t me, this wasn’t me, this wasn’t me.

Tubbo, still laughing: That is not a defense!

Tommy: This wasn’t- I promise- let me--Eh. Listen to me.Seriously. Seriously, man.

Tubbo: Seriously?

Tommy: I don’t need to prove myself to you. This wasn’t me. Trust me. Jesus Christ. For once in your life, Tubbo, trust me!

Tubbo: I did trust you. Once. The first time all of this happened. And I won’t make the same mistake twice. [He opens the ender chest, taking out the disc.]

Tommy: Don’t you dare.

[Tubbo holds the disc in his hand and Tommy gasps.]

Tommy: Tubbo, you betrayed me. You betrayed me.

[Tubbo holds his axe for a moment before moving to hold nothing again.]

Tommy: You know that, right? You know you betrayed me.

Tubbo: Yeah, well at least I’m not--

Tommy: What- don’t- don’t get out your axe. What- are you tryna- You betrayed me, Tubbo.

Tubbo: I didn’t betray you! You betrayed everything you had built with presidents prior just to go off on this little tyrant-

Tommy, overlapping with Tubbo: No. You BETRAYED ME! Everything, all of this, this is what Wilbur--You betrayed everything.

Tubbo: I don’t think I have.

Tommy: Just look. You know what? You got your axe up? [Tommy eats a gapple.]

Technoblade: Tommy-?

Tommy: Yes?

Technoblade: Tommy, there’s like 30 people here, there’s like 30 people here, Tommy- Whatever you decide, whatever you decide, Tommy-

[Tommy hits Tubbo, Tubbo hits back.]

Technoblade: Make that decision wisely, Tommy--

[Tubbo and Tommy start to full on fight.]

Technoblade: Oh, god. Oh, we’re goin’ in, we’re goin’ in-

Fundy: No, no, don’t actually, DON’T ACTUALLY, NO-

Quackity: No.

Ranboo: No, no.

Technoblade: We’re goin’ in-

Tommy: You BETRAYED me, Tubbo!

Tubbo: NO! You failed the nation!

Technoblade: We’re goin’ in-

Ranboo: No, no, no, no, no, no-

Tommy: You BETRAYED me!

Tubbo:That is just NOT TRUE!

Tommy: I- what- you did! You did! You betrayed me!

[Fundy screeches.]

Tubbo: No, I didn’t!

Tommy: Everything! This is what Wilbur wanted!

Technoblade: Hey, Fundy!

Tubbo: You gave up on the nation-

Tommy: He wanted you to betray everyone! To forget what was right.

Tubbo: No! No, you betrayed everyone when you went off and did your own thing and teamed up with the very person who blew up the nation!

Techonblade: You’re not in L’manberg, guys, you’re not in L’manberg.

Tommy: You left me to die.

Tubbo: Tommy, you teamed up with the very person that blew up the nation!

Dream: OH, I WANTED TO DO THIS FOR A LONG TIME-

Tubbo: Tommy, you teamed up with Technoblade, I didn’t leave you to die, I was not invited. [pause] Where are you?

Tommy, reappearing: You betrayed me.

Tubbo: I didn’t betray you, you teamed up with the very person that destroyed our nation the first time!

Tommy: Our nation- Tubbo, the discs! The discs were worth more than you ever were.

Tubbo: Not-

[Dream gasps and laughs excitedly.]

Niki: Oh… god.

Tubbo: I don’t- [pause[ You meant- You-

Tommy: Just…

[Both Tommy and Tubbo take their armour off.]

Dream: Hey.

Technoblade: Hey, you-

Tommy: Give him the disc.

Technoblade: Tommy-

Tubbo: You want me to… give him the disc?

Tommy: I’m not…

Dream: So gimme the disc!

Tommy: What am I…

Tubbo: What- I- d- are you sure?

Tommy: Yeah, this…

Tubbo: Are you sure?

Dream: Yeah, you heard him. He realizes he needs to pay. That’s what he- he’s finally realizing.

Tommy: They were, they… Just not true.

Tubbo: I…

Tommy: I’m sor-

Tubbo: I… [undistinguishable beginnings of words]

Tommy: I- I’m sorry, Tubbo.

Tubbo: I’m sorry.

Tommy: No, no.

Tubbo: Do you want me to-

Tommy: Just- no. Just give him the disc.

[Tubbo gives Dream the disc.]

[Dream whoops excitedly.]

Technoblade: Tommy- Tommy are you sure about that decision, Tommy-

Tubbo: I don’-

Fundy: It’s already made…

Technoblade: The difficulty just went way up, Tommy, I’m just sayin’-

Tommy: What am I…

Tubbo: I- I don’t-

Tommy: What am I doing?

[Dream laughs.]

Technoblade: Tommy- Tommy-

Dream: Thank you, Tubbo.

Technoblade: Tommy, what are you doing-

Tommy: Techno-

Dream: I really appreciate it.

Tommy: I’m so- I’m so- I’m- I- y- this isn’t me, this isn’t- I mean, I look around, and I’m not the person I wanna be.

Technoblade: Tommy, what are you saying-

Tommy: And I- I- I w- I- I- I- [sighs] I’m so sorry.

Technoblade: Tommy, we could get out of here, Tommy, we could pearl out, I’d cover your escape, Tommy- We can still get out of here, Tommy! We can regroup! We can plan for another day, Tommy!

Tommy: Techno, Techo- if this is what I’ve become-

Technoblade: Oh, we’re surrounded.

Tommy: -then I don’t wanna be me anymore, man. I- I- I’m- I’m-

Technoblade: Tommy, what are you sayin’.

Tommy: I’m sorry.

Technoblade, after a pause: What do you mean, Tommy?

Tommy: I’m with Tubbo.

Technoblade: HEH. Tommy, when I said- Perhaps I wasn’t clear yesterday, Tommy, when I said that I’m going to destroy L’manberg and that you don’t- you don’t have to help me. When I said you don’t have to help me, Tommy, I MEANT THAT YOU COULD SIT IT OUT! NOT SWITCH SIDES AND FIGHT AGAINST ME!

Tommy: I’m not- Techno, what am I doing? Wha- What am I- W-

Technoblade: You’re betraying me is what you’re doing, Tommy!

Tommy: [unintelligable] Technoblade! The discs- [splutters] I- [splutters again]

Technoblade: You just told him to give the disc to Dream!

Tommy: I’m worse than everyone I didn’t want to be. [pause, sighs] I- you know that- you know- you know-

Technoblade: Tommy. Think hard- think hard about this before you make this decision, Tommy.

Tommy: I-

Technoblade: Cause you can’t undo this. You can’t undo this decision, Tommy.

Tommy: [sighs] Technoblade, I know what I’ve done and I hate me for it. I’m sorry.

Tecnoblade: Wowww. WELP! One v 30 it is! Who wants to go up first!

Dream: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, Listen, listen.

Technoblade: Oookay.

Dream: Tubbo, Tubbo.

Tubbo: Yeah.

Dream: I- I- I- yeah, well, thank you for giving me the disc.

Tubbo: Mhm.

Dream: I just wanna say that you’re an idiot.

Fundy: Wha-

Dream: You. Are. An absolute idiot. And you have no power, and you are the worst president that has ever been president electe- because you’re no president at all!

Fundy: No!

Dream: Listen, listen! You’re not even president!

Technoblade: TUBBO SUCKS!

Dream: You’re not even president! Quackity is more president than you. I’M more president of L’manberg than you! You listen to- you get pushed around by everybody on this server.

Technoblade: YEAH, TELL ‘IM!

Dream: Because you ARE AN IDIOT. You are a BUFFOON. You are a FOOL. You fall for everything.

Technoblade: YOU ARE A COWARD.

Dream: YOU JUST GAVE ME THE ONE THING I NEEDED TO DESTROY L’MANBERG. I DON’T CARE ABOUT L’MANBERG. I don’t care about anything, I’ve said this before. The only reason I did not destroy L’manberg was because you had the disc. I had to be friends with you to get the disc! I don’t care about you. I’m not your friend. Okay? I cared about getting the disc back, and I got it back. I got it back. And that’s- that’s- that’s the only thing that really matters! You can’t even run your nation right! RANBOO IS A TRAITOR! YOUR MOST TRUSTED FRIENDS!

Ranboo: Wha-

Tubbo: No, that’s not true.

Ranboo: No-

Dream: No, it IS TRUE! READ THIS BOOK!

Quackity: I fucking knew it.

Tubbo: What? Ranboo- what? Wait- What is this? [reading the name of the book] ‘do not read.’

Ranboo: I’m not- I’m not-

Dream: It’s his memory book! He was meeting with Techno and Tommy and told them everything!

Tubbo: What? Ranboo, you were the most loyal, you literally-

Fundy: What the FUCK, Ranboo?

Dream: It’s all of his own memories! He writes it down!

Technoblade: I mean all of this didn’t happen, I’ve never met that man in my life.

[Tubbo reads out of the book.]

Dream: You can’t even run your own nation correctly, Tubbo!

Technoblade: I can’t even spell Ranbo.

Dream: Listen.

Tubbo: What?

Dream: Tubbo- You, like- ugh. You- L’manberg is weaker than it’s ever been, and it’s because of you! You have- you have destroyed everything! You have ruined your friendships! You have ruined L’manberg’s allies! You have- you have just- You’re a horrible president, Tubbo.

Technoblade: YEAHHH! YOU SUCK, TUBBO!

Tubbo: Yeah. You’re right.

Dream: Techno.

Technoblade: Yeah?

Dream: You got any withers?

Tommy: Wha- wha-

Technoblade: Oh, I’m likin’ where this is goin’, Dream.

Fundy: No, no, no, no, no.

Tommy: Stop-

Tubbo: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-

Ranboo: You can’t.

Technoblade: Are you sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’, Dream.

Dream: Oh, I’m saying what you think I’m saying.

Tommy: I’m [unintelligable], Tubbo.

Technoblade: Are you callin’ in that favour, Dream? To destroy L’manberg?

Dream: No, no I’m not calling in my favour. You would destroy L’manberg either way, are you kidding me? No. You would destroy it anyway, I’m not calling in my favour.

Technoblade: You know me so well.

Dream: Listen, listen.

Technoblade: I’ve got a few wither skulls, Dream. We can work something out.

Dream: Alright.

Technoblade, laughing: If we can get out of here alive.

Dream: Alright, listen, here--how ‘bout this, how ‘bout this? L’manberg is being destroyed, okay? Tomorrow, at 3pm. Say your goodbyes.

Tommy: No, no, no, no, no.

Fundy: No! No! No! No!

Dream: Say your goodbyes!

Tubbo: No, no, no, no, no!

Dream: Say your goodbyes! TOMORROW! It is being destroyed!

Technoblade: Why are we givin’ ‘em a day?

Fundy: No! No! No! No!

Dream: Listen! Tomorrow! 3pm!

Technoblade: I could do this in like three minutes!

Dream: 3pm tomorrow, you and--say your all goodbyes. Say your goodbyes. I- I’m tellin’ you, we are-

Technoblade: Whose dog is this?

Dream: We are destroying it-

[Tubbo gasps as Tommy kills his dog. Everyone else follows suit.]

Puffy: Tommy, that was Tubbo’s dog!

Tubbo: You killed my dog!

Technoblade: Wow.

Tommy: No-o!

Tubbo, laughing: Bruh! Come on, man!

Technoblade: You betrayed me, you killed Tubbo’s dog.

Tommy: It was a misclick! It was an accident!

Technoblade: Aw, yeah, it was a misclick!

Ranboo: Whoops, whoops.

[Tubbo laughs.]

Tommy: Hey, in my defense, it did bite me.

Dream: Listen, listen, when I’m saying destroy it, I’m not talking about- like, we’re gonna finish Wilbur’s job. We’re gonna destroy it all the way to bedrock.

Technoblade: Let’s chunk error this!

Dream: We’re not--yeah, we’re gonna chunk error this.

Tubbo: I…

Dream: Alright? We’re not even talking about just blowing up some TNT, alright? We’re gonna do TNT machines, cannons, we’re gonna destroy everything, withers, every wither possible.

Technoblade: Ah, yeah. I’m likin’ where this is goin’.

Dream: Everything’s gonna be gone! So, listen. You have one night, say your goodbyes forever.

Tubbo: I don’t- I-

Dream: Say your goodbyes forever!

Tubbo: What?

Quackity: What do you mean?

Tommy: What the fuck.

Dream: That’s- That’s it! That’s all, I’m leaving. [He begins walking out of the ruins of the Community House.]

Technoblade: We- we- we could give them, like, thirty minutes-

Tubbo: I don’t-

Dream: See you tomorrow.

Tubbo: What? I- I- I don’t-

Technoblade: Wait, he’s leavin’? Wait, wait- he just dipped?

Tubbo: What?

Technoblade, laughing: Wait, he just left? Oh, oh this is- oh. [He aims his crossbow wildly, looking at everyone surrounding him.]

Niki: Oh…

Fundy: Oh…

[Everyone surrounds Technoblade, hitting him.]

Technoblade: Mm, mm this is awkward, wait- Wait, wait, hold on, hold on a second here- Wait, hold on, lemme get my words in- Talkin’ is a free action, let’s hold on here, alright?

Tubbo: Oh?

Technoblade: Tommy. Give me back my axe. You’re not worthy, I was wrong.

Tommy: [gasps, then pauses] No. No, you know what, Technoblade? I am worthy. And you’re not- you’re not gonna side with Dream to take down L’manberg, are you? What the f-

Technoblade: I- I- I- I- I’ve- I’ve been so transparent about how I’m going to destroy the government.

Tommy, overlapping: WHYYYYY Why, no, no, no, go away.

Technoblade: I’ve explained my reasons, I’ve been like, I’m destroying it because of A, B, C, they executed me, they betrayed me, you betrayed me- you know what, Tommy? You’ve made a decision today that can’t be undone. And you know what? I respect you, Tommy, you know, you’re free to make your own choices, as wrong as they are--that’s what anarchy is about. It’s about freedom to do what you want. But all I have to say, Tommy, is that I hope you don’t come to regret it. Anyways, I’m gonna dip, there’s like thirty people here, [He escapes, swimming through the water around the ruined Community house] SEE YA, I’M OUT, BYE

Tubbo: NO!

Techonblade: SEE YA, IDIOTS! BYE, I’M OUTTA HERE! OH!

Fundy: I lost my b- oh, god damnit.

Technoblade, off camera: WAIT I ACTUALLY LOST ‘EM? SEE YA, IDIOTS! SEE YA, GOODBYE, HAHAHAHA! HAHAHA, NOT EVEN CLOSE!

#dream smp #dsmp #transcripts #the green festival #tubbo #dreamwastaken #tommyinnit #technoblade

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rhaenyras · 3 years

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EXTENDED LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH CHAPTER 139

ymir the founder fritz, aka the most powerful and compelling plot device that isayama could have ever employed in order to explain the origin of the titans, the inherent slavery of the eldian people, and also everything else wrong in the world, was emptied of all value and purpose when she was revealed to have loved her abuser and oppressor. her life-long struggle to break free from the slave mentality that was pounded into her since childhood turned out to be... totally hollow. the woman's real purpose was to keep loving the man who cut off her tongue, raped her as a child and eventually had her cannibalized by their daughters when she failed to survive a murder attempt on his person. which makes for a very pinpoint parallel with eren, tbh, but he gets a whole paragraph all to himself later. amor vincit omnia should not become a convenient fix-it trope so that stuff can magically make sense in less than 50 pages. not to mention that this makeshift “solution” doesn't account for countless plot holes, that would only make sense if ymir was an abuse survivor looking to get her agency back. and even if i was keen on excusing the sloppy writing, i still wouldn't let the whole romanticisation of rape and trauma thing slide so easily. by giving a young victim like ymir fritz romantic feelings and a blind devotion towards her rapist, isayama is basically conveying a very pitiful and toxic message, one he refuses to even dignify with a realistic explanation for the thousands of readers who couldn't make a sense of it. the way this twisted version of love seems to be universally accepted by all the characters in the last chapter, as they just shrug it off like some sort of inevitable superior force that works in mysterious ways, made me wanna gouge my eyes out and never read another word again

mikasa's arc. mikasa had the potential to be the only character in the entire manga to come out on top when all was said and done. she had openly opposed eren's idea of a genocide. she had left the scarf behind when he voiced his hatred for her. she seemed ready enough to sever the proverbial umbilical cord and move on, live a life with pride, knowing how she could have outgrown her silly, dependent, obsessive old self. she might have started out as a yandere caricature, a passive and annoying side-effect to having eren as the main character, but she could have done so much better later on. she, too, just like ymir fritz, might have broken free, if only isayama liked liberated and strong women. she had the range. she had the potential, the backstory, everything. given the chance, she could have redeemed herself. but did isayama care? nope. he just threw her to the sickos in the fandom and said “here's your little psycho doll. do what you will with her. also, she's the key to understanding the superior force that works in mysterious ways aka love aka all the nonsense i'm actually too lazy to commit to”. and so, mikasa is as inconsequential in the ending as she ever was as eren's ever-present bodyguard, if not more, because now she's even refusing to look ahead and fight. two things that she at least tried to do every so often back when eren was alive. not only she surrendered to her own mental illness, but she even saw it turned into a pretty fantasy that the readers can idealise (again, romanticisation of all the wrong things) and that she'll never be able to escape so long as she lives. what's worse, she doesn't even want to, because in this manga we love downgrading and being stuck in the past, as the worst possible versions of ourselves.

historia's pregnancy. it shouldn't even have happened in the first place, unless it was dictated by historia's explicit desire to have a child precisely when she asked for one and by that one unnamed farmer guy and nobody else. whether that was the case or not remains, to this day, still shrouded in mystery because, again, isayama didn't think of coming clean about any aspect of historia's sudden decision. the notion that she might have been raped or submitted to something she really didn't want simply for the drama of it leads to some pretty terrifying implications. i have already explained countless times how it didn't even make sense for eren to be so adamant about rejecting the 50 year plan on account of not wanting historia to be breeded like cattle, titanised, and eventually devoured by her children, if he was just... gonna let her have her way, she only had to ask him nicely. why ever would historia need eren's permission to have a child? what was she even trying to tell him in chapter 130? why did eren tell her something as pivotal as the genocide plan if the friendship between them wasn't any different from any other in the 104th? why would eren take the risk to meet her in secret and suggest that they do something as radical as fighting the mp's or running away, if all she had to do was just... ask that he let her get pregnant? i suppose that was just a bait for a very specific side of the fandom, at this point, as the extent of the entire cryptic conversation from ch. 130 was never covered, and we were probably just supposed to forget about it. I can only forgive isayama for basically baiting me into shipping erehisu because he still gave historia a decent wrap-up in the ending, she looked in control and happy enough with her new life, which is something i warmly wished for her. she seems to be in a better spot than most of her former comrades, and virtually, she is the true inheritor of eren's original (and later disowned) ideology, as she is the one who will lead eldia into the future as a free nation, whatever that may mean for them now that titan powers are no longer a thing. I'm very proud of her and generally i am happy with how things played out for her and yeah, thinking back on it with a colder mind... i wouldn't have wanted it any other way, ships be damned

wHY WAS LEVI IN A WHEELCHAIR????? like..... scars aside, he was up and about in one panel, and in the next he was disabled... that was just... idk?? weird but i suppose isayama went overboard to provide us with some residual dramatic value here

the genocide being just a red herring. APPARENTLY eren never believed that the genocide was a solid way to achieve freedom. his true intention was to antagonize himself so that his friends would be hailed as heroes, but like... why... he didn't even achieve the complete annihilation of conflict in the world by doing so? his friends might be heroes now, but they're going to spend the rest of their lives fighting for their very lives. if anything, eren sparked new conflicts and made the new order so much worse for the eldians, as they have no choice but to keep fighting, except with the same weapons as anybody else now. he basically doomed his people to a bleak future of war and possibly extinction. he killed 80% of the entire world to cause nothing but a disappointing regretful outcome, and in the end he even disowned everything he ever believed in. in comparison, zeke's euthanasia plan was some genius level shit that would have achieved the same result as eren, except with not nearly as much bloodshed.

the parasite. again, great idea, poor execution. what on earth happened to it? it was the Scientific Shit that made titans happen one moment, and then gone in the next, wrestled to death by a buff war criminal with ptsd... my disappointment is over the roof

eren himself. like, as a whole. oh, what's not to regret about the 180 eren did in the finale? witnessing a mc forsaking every relevant trait that's ever made him who he is, is simply painful on the eyes. isayama basically went and said “remember eren yaeger aka the suicidal blockhead who would sacrifice everything in order to achieve freedom? yes? well forget about him, you've got aaron yogurt now.” …... who even is this man? when he broke down and cried in front of armin, whining like a baby that he wanted mikasa to never move on from him, i legit got second-hand embarassment. I felt actual shame for the way isayama handled his characterisation. like... he is a mass murderer, ok... how can he just... kneel down and cry about his step-sister whom he never did anything to date anyway like it's nothing??? armin is right to be pissed at him but he's pissed for the wrong reasons, sadly. I don't even want to tackle the topic of eren murdering his own mother, as he basically confessed to going through life on autopilot because the founding titan just erased all his feelings, gave him superior knowledge of all things and compelled him to go with the flow of things, aka the exact opposite of what he's been preaching ever since day 1. W HAT on earth man. like i said in point #1, eren's crush on mikasa is actually very frightening too, and it leads us back to that one dark force that overpowered even ymir fritz. eren is in love with a girl who's obsessed, in denial and damaged. and what's worse, mikasa reciprocates his feelings, even though eren always overlooked her or manipulated her. ymir fritz kept misunderstanding all those red flags from the king as love, probably. this is really not a story of breaking the cursed cycle, because it seems to me that everyone has returned full circle in the end.

CONCLUSION: nothing isayama or anyone might have said in interviews or elsewhere could have prepared me for this raging shitfest. the entirety of that last chapter was farfetched to say the least, everything looked half-hearted and rushed, clumsily glued together because the real isayama died and somebody else had to ghostwrite the ending for him. I am sorry if i do sound a bit disillusioned about the whole thing and can't bring myself to be outraged either, but i've been way too invested into this manga for nearly a decade, and now it all blew up in my face, so i guess i no longer give it the power to upset me lol

#sorry for the wait guys. it's not even that great lol i just had to get some things off my chest and then forget about it #i didn't even edit lol. snk doesn't deserve my efforts #snk spoilers #snk #aot spoilers #anti aot #chapter 139 spoilers #aot #snk chapter 139

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merci-bitch · 3 years

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I’ll Never Love Again

Zelda Spellman x fem!reader

Warning(s): angsty af

Words: 2k

A/N: This is sad as fuck. I started crying myself lmao. I hope you like it, although I can’t make links. Idk how sadly. Feel free to request anything !

The sound; as if fingertips were pressing against the white keys of a piano filled the air. The sound fitting perfectly with the small raindrops falling from the sky. The sound gave of a peaceful solution. A peaceful moment. A moment that was broken into pieces.

"Y/N!"

Zelda Spellman.

You turned to look at her, her face boiling with anger. You'd left the dinner table only a moment ago. The evening started out like any other evening with your family. Sitting next to Zelda, your lover. The woman who owned your heart, the one you'd die for. Sitting across Ambrose, on your left was Hilda and on Zelda's right; Sabrina.

You couldn't explain what had happened. How you'd gotten in on the subject. It started out as a joke. Finding yourself amused at it, joking around of Zelda and Mambo Marie's relationship. How they'd gotten awfully close. You hadn't meant it, but then you saw the terror in Zelda's eyes. You knew something wasn't right. It wasn't because she didn't like the joke, of course she didn't, but she was hiding something from you. Something you just clarified. You couldn't believe it, so you left.

Zelda walked up to you. Stopping a few feet away, thinking over what to say. She had plenty to say, she just didn't know where to start. However, you came first.

"Wish I could, could have said goodbye. I would've said what I wanted to, maybe even cried a few."

Zelda's eyebrows knitted themselves in confusion as she watched you speak. Looking up at the sky again.

"If I knew that it would have been the last time. I would have broke my heart in two. Trying to stay without you."

Sighing softly. Eyes stinging. Body shaking, cold and wet. Anxious. You looked over at her. Wanting to drop to your knees, beg for her. Beg for her to never leave you, but you couldn't and wouldn't.

"I don't wanna feel another touch. Don't wanna start another fire. I don't wanna know another kiss. No other name falling off my lips."

Turning to face Zelda completely. Looking deeply into her crystal eyes. Her whole body was stiff, she didn't know how to respond to any of this.

"I don't wanna give my heart away, to another stranger. I couldn't let another day begin, or even let the sunlight in if I did. I'll never love again, Zelda."

Upon hearing those words, she shut down. The rain started to pour heavier, much harder.

"When we first meet all those years back. I never thought that I would fall for you. I never thought that I find myself, lying in your arms."

Zelda never meant to fall for you either, she despised you. Couldn't stand you. Everything you did annoyed her, yet; you became the love of her life.

"And I wanna pretend that it's not true, that you're gone, that we're gone. My world keeps turning, turning and turning and I'm not moving on."

Turning around, looking over the Spellman property, your home. The home you'd had for years, decades. Was it really home after all? Was it really where you would spend your days in the sun and storm?

"I don't wanna feel another touch, like you've done. I don't wanna start another fire, like you've done. I don't want another name falling off my lips, like you've called for Marie."

You didn't look at Zelda, but she heard the crack in your voice. The way your tone would break each time you mentioned what she'd done. There wasn't any use in trying to explain she hadn't. She hadn't meant to, but you wouldn't believe it. She wouldn't have if it was the other way around. Stubborn as she is, she doesn't know how to handle love.

You turned around as you started talking again. Nearly bursting into tears, keeping your tone harsh but near a breaking point.

"Look, I don't wanna know this feeling unless it's you and me. I don't wanna waste a moment of my life. I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me. I'd rather wait for you all my life."

Zelda heard that strange thunder. That strange thunder passing by. She knew that no one was gonna come save her, if you wouldn't. No one would. She'd taken your love for granted. She'd taken everything for granted and gained in power. Marrying Faustus should have been her stop sign, but she keep going. Going higher and higher up in levels. Forgetting you on the way. Her lover, her person, her future. The one she'd given her heart to. Beneath the strange thunder. She was all that was causing the storm.

"I don't wanna feel another touch, or start another fire. I don't wanna know another kiss. Zelds, unless it's on your lips."

She felt eyes, eyes in the back of her head. She wanted to run, hide and cry. Her body was betraying her, she couldn't move a single finger. Her body was stuck, she wondered if Hilda had cast a spell for her to stay still, knowing her sister. She probably had, or it was just her.

"Say something. Anything."

She couldn't. What was she supposed to say? No one would hear her please, her apologies. No one would take her.

"I should have known, all of this."

Zelda cleared her throat. Finding it very dry.

"Known what."

It came out harsher then she'd intended.

"I won't ask it of you. I can't do that to you. You've taken my heart and thrown it away."

"I most certainly have not. I have it right next to mine."

"Then why take another in store? Why not just keep mine? If we were doing badly, why didn't you say anything. If you wanted me to leave, I would have done it without question if that's what you wanted."

Zelda felt herself boil, but for a different reason then anger. She was hurt, although she had no right to be hurt. But she was hurt, she was hurt by herself. She hurt you and everyone else she ever cared about. There's a reason she didn't date, she didn't have time. She never had. There's wasn't time for you, although there was at the same time. She always had time for you. She doesn't know where it went wrong.

"I don't want you to leave! Can't you understand that?!"

"You have a funny way of showing it. If you have this fire with Marie, then give it fuel."

Zelda moved forward. Grabbing your hand. Squeezing. Fighting back her own forbidden tears. She couldn't cry, she wasn't allowed to. Looking into your eyes. Losing herself, she always did. It was her space and freedom.

Your hand came up to her cheek, stroking it softly. Zelda's eyes fluttered closed for a moment. Feeling your touch gone as soon as it appeared. Stopping herself from seeking out your touch.

“I don’t wanna feel another touch, or start another fire.”

It pained her. Hearing your voice break. She knew this wouldn’t end well. It wouldn’t turn back to happy family. She couldn’t lose you, but she already did that moment. Cupping your cheeks in her hands, leaning her forehead against yours. She wanted to beg for your apology.

Zelda Phiona Spellman would never beg for anyone. She wouldn’t bow down for just anyone. But for you? She would, but she couldn’t ask for forgiveness. She knew If she did, you would forgive her but it wouldn’t return to the way it was before. Feeling her own cheeks become hot with tears, hearing your quiet sobs. She’d broken her own heart.

“I’ll never love again.”

“Zelda? Look who’s here to see you.”

Hilda said as softly as she could. Moving away from the bed, wrapping her arm around Sabrina. Letting you come through.

“Zelda? I’m right here, right beside you.”

Zelda opened her eyes slowly, it was hard. There you were. The love of her life. She never thought she would see your smile again. Your eyes, your everything. You grabbed her hand, giving it a soft squeeze and a kiss.

“You can go to sleep now, Zelds. I’ll be watching over you.”

Zelda trusted your words and did. Her heart ached for all those years she’d missed with you. You were here now, that was all that mattered. She would see you on the other side.

“I’ll never love again.”

#zelda spellman x reader #caos

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1d-discourseoftheday · 3 years

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Fri 15 Jan ‘21

Everybody is listening to NOBODY IS LISTENING!!!! (I know, so cheap, that's on par with New Direction headlines, I'M SORRY OKAY. Never again.) Anyway the album debuted at #1 on the worldwide itunes charts and in dozens of countries, there's more awesome merch (socks! masks! mugs!), and Zayn (or various manifestations of him) are everywhere. He tweeted “Just wanna say, it feels great to share this with you all! everyone’s support and love means a lot, here’s to a great year hope it better than the last!” and he's out there answering comments (that'll be him; would a PA bother with those fancy fonts?), but is it him texting people back from the snippet number? Unlikely... is it him in the listening party chats? IDK but there's definitely a Zaynbot (well, staff in this case) in there as well (if you don't believe me the “we appreciate you” is a clue lol), is it him doing all the boring promo retweeting, ehh, and so it goes throughout the promo, Zayn is everywhere but where is ZAYN?? I feel like the blurring of the line between the man and the various bots would make (human) Zayn pretty pleased, the man loves a robot after all! HOWEVER, it would be a special kind of robot that would select the “I'm fingering myself” tweet (in which he was NOT tagged) to answer (“ya wha?”), and how lucky are we to have the real ting among us for this brief moment: who else, I ask you. WHO ELSE. And, of course, we got the biggest pure Zayn shot of all: the ALBUM! He also liked a tweet about the fact that Tightrope samples an Urdu song (by Mohammed Rafi), and reposted a fan's story from a NIListening listening party ft homemade party hats that were markedly classier than the no doubt expensive custom-made ones from Zayn's bday party, and a sexy new publicity pic was posted. We also got footage from a truck all tricked out to be a NIL-mobile! The back of the box van is filled with an installation of mirrors and NIL faces and black light and a spinning platform-- footage from there showed very few people present and they spoke of having a COVID-safe release party but given that there was a pro camera team present, there's speculation it was perhaps used to film a video or something as well. But whether or not that happened it does seem they drove it around to use for private celebration, a lot of people from Hadid circles posted about being there and there being a kid dance time and stuff. Lots of cool trippy footage from inside.

Today's Harry news again slants towards TPWK video chat rather than movie studio sponsored romance-- in what little Holivia news there is we get an interesting backpedal focus on being told that if Olivia and Jason were still together when Harry came into the picture (if this were real which it isn't) he “didn't know” and, in so many words in big old headline type, “Harry is blameless.” Furthermore, the idea that this might be “just a phase” for Olivia has been introduced. That astrologer was pretty on the nose in some predictions, but May or June for a Jason/ Olivia reconciliation seems awfully conservative to me; I'd be very surprised if we had to wait that long! Anyway, if they're trying to redirect Harry news to be about his music, I'm on board! Today we got more from Gabe and Ben Turner; Gabe says “He works to a really high standard but he’s unbelievably kind to literally everyone, all the time. Even if he’s under pressure, he never drops his standards of the right way to behave and being kind to people... You watch the way he is with the runners, producers, sound people, whoever… He’s treating them with so much love and respect that everyone works as hard as they possibly can to make his vision come true because he’s so joyful to be around” which could sound like more damage control, except that it's exactly what everyone who's ever worked with him says, so we know it's true. Ben tells us that the Golden vid was supposed to be different-- “the initial idea was Harry driving around LA with different people getting in and out of the car, people who were significant to the album or his life.” I guess it's handy they had the idea already right there to recycle for Holivia pics; but also I'm glad the video was what it ended up being instead of that. They also tell us that the TPWK vid was always going to be the final piece of the Fine Line era (“It was always supposed to be the last thing on the album run as an ending beat”) but that it ended up being held back longer than originally intended because the album did so well (and probably because of the way things were stretched out by COVID) and how that ended up being strange- “the video has stayed the same but the world has disappeared.”

An affordable candle from Target has been found that allegedly smells like... Louis? Reviews specify that he smells like “clean laundry” (I have to admit I have heard that said before) and vanilla and so does the candle, which is called 'cozy nights' and is said to also be 'a cute color' (it's white). I might want to pair the candle with a slight eau de wet dog, cause in MY fantasy Louis hangout Cliff is for sure there too, but the target candle buying audience may be fantasizing about, uh, different scenarios than me...

And finally, Niall on Niall; “epic... jesus I'm way too much“ (yes with laugh faces) plus he comments on his 14 million spotify listeners-- “next time we're gona get much higher.” He also posted to suggest folks should give Heartbreak Weather a listen so it seems he hasn't yet given up on getting higher numbers THIS time.

#zayn #harry styles #niall horan #louis tomlinson #Zayn to team:#'so listen here's my idea for promo: in the cyborg manifesto Donna Haraway proposes a world of fusions between animal and machine....'#I'm not ready to have an Opinion on NIL yet but I will say the choices for first and last song: CHEF'S KISS #perfection #me making a Louis candle: okay wet dog. weed and cigarette smoke. red bull.#spray deodorant (that'd be the baby powder everyone's always talking about I suppose). lingering trace of Harry's perfume.#can 'clean laundry' really be a sexy smell? if so what happens in your daily life once you've sexualized the smell of laundry #I feel like I would regret it

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painted-crow · 3 years

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hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

#first post in a while huh folks #gotta remember how to tag...#ravenclaw primary #gryffindor primary model #slytherin secondary #gryffindor secondary model #asks #paint speaks #sortinghatchats

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spencersawkward · 3 years

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switchblade faith//spencer reid - chapter 8

summary: one month after joining the BAU, Clea is still settling in. between solving murders and getting acclimated to DC, the only comfortable thing in her life is her friendship with Dr. Spencer Reid.

pairing: Fem!OC/Spencer

word count: 3.9k

content warnings: discussion of a dead body (for a case), discussion of sensory overload (idk if that's a warning but just in case).

A/N: sorry this took so long! i've had a lot of writer's block with this series, but i'm feeling a lot more motivated with it, now. anyway enjoy!

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my feet slam into the pavement at a rate that makes me wonder if my heart can take it. I can feel the air in my lungs, stinging, and the way it never seems like enough. I can't stop. my arms are pumping and my legs burn.

I'm sure I look like a mess right now, exhausted and sweaty as I make my way up the biggest hill by my apartment. I haven't been running in a while, and this incline is even more daunting than it was before.

I use the momentum I've built from before now and force myself up. every breath rips through me violently until I'm sure that if I stop running, I'll collapse. but I keep pushing, knowing it'll be worth it.

I hated running until college. just absolutely despised the thought of getting outside and forcing myself to move quickly. the older I get, though, the more refreshing it's gotten. it helped me escape from midterms, from the pressure that constantly seemed to mount with every passing day. sometimes it feels like all of it keeps piling on, and it's never going to stop.

of course, that's not really the way to look at life. I've had things to balance out the work, friends to call and ways to let out the hammering violence that always seem to fill the spaces between my ribs. running clears my head when nothing else does.

once I get to the top, I bend over and rest my palms on my knees so that I can relax. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and can feel my pulse thudding against my throat. it's good, though. I needed to do this again, to get exercise.

I resist the urge to lay down flat on the pavement. DC isn't really a good place to do that; everyone around me is on a morning stroll with their partner or they're out for a jog themselves. I pass several enthusiastic-looking dogs out for a walk. the sheer number of people around me should make me feel normal.

it doesn't.

I straighten and stretch out my muscles, wincing at the way my calves feel if I move them funny. I don’t want to get called in for a case today, but that's naive. there will always be another case because there will always be people we need to stop. maybe I'm just not jaded enough to not care. I like to think that's a good thing, though.

...

when I head into the office a couple hours later, there's a to-go cup of coffee resting on my desk. I smile to myself, set my bag down and shrug off my coat, then peek over the divider to see Spencer with a case file open and an identical to-go cup a couple inches away.

"is this your doing?" I refer to the coffee. he nods and smiles at me, seemingly not in the mood to talk.

"thanks, Reid."

sitting down to do some work, I sneak a peek at him. Spencer is acting different from last weekend. more shy. I'm not really sure the reason, unless he just felt particularly outgoing at the party and is now back to his default self.

we get a case before the hour is up, and then my mind is occupied by the details.

jet rides, though now a familiar routine, are probably my favorite part of the job. I don't feel totally unproductive, but I still have time to unwind and talk to people on our way. Emily and I have gotten much closer within the past few weeks and sometimes she tells me stories about her old job that keep me on the edge of my seat.

there's something so mysterious about her that I just appreciate; she's like a cool older cousin to me. and she's great at making fun of Morgan, which is something that I've found enjoyable as well. sometimes he needs to be knocked down a peg-- she's the woman to do it.

"how many?" I trace my finger down the smooth skin of Derek's arm, where he's lifted his sleeve just enough to show the inked lion. it's a big tattoo, and I'm somewhat surprised he has one at all. he just doesn't really seem the type.

"five right now." he flexes his bicep flirtatiously, and I immediately remove my hand with a repulsed expression, rolling my eyes at the chuckle he lets out.

"don't feed his ego like that." Emily warns from across the table. she's flipping through one of the plant magazines that we've stashed in the snack cupboards (much to Hotch's disapproval). I turn to see Morgan's reaction.

"you a little jealous, Prentiss?" he teases. her only response is a glance that dares him to push further. they both know that Emily has absolutely no interest in him, which I suppose adds to their friendship. Morgan leans down by my ear, but he makes no effort to quiet his voice. "you should ask about her tattoos."

"you have tattoos?" my eyes widen at this, voice a little louder than usual. Hotch glances over at us from his seat a ways away, but doesn't say anything. Reid is passed out on the couch, strangely tired for the middle of the day; Rossi's writing something in his miniature journal.

"that's not anyone's business." she says more to Morgan than to me.

"I wanna see!" I set my glass of ice water down on the table and straighten up. Emily pretends to be exhausted by the persistence, but she closes her magazine momentarily.

"look, I can't show them all here." she raises a suggestive eyebrow.

"then how does Derek know?" I smirk. Emily makes a face, but Morgan is the one who replies.

"this one gets a little loose-lipped when she drinks too much." he teases. I snort and glance at Emily. I've seen her tipsy before, but never drunk. at most, she gets affectionate with all of us and calls us her best friends in the whole world. which, honestly, isn't an unwelcome sentiment.

"I do not." she argues.

"yeah, you do." Reid mumbles from the couch cushion where he's been resting his head. I jump at the sudden noise, and we all turn to him.

"look who's up." Emily smiles. Reid stretches his legs out, limbs so long that his feet hang off the end of the couch. he's wearing mismatched socks again today, one with bananas and one covered in sushi rolls. I smile to myself.

"I'm not," he argues. "someone had to correct you."

Morgan and I let out an amused laugh. my eyes dart between Spencer and the two other agents. "I feel like I'm the only one here who hasn't seen Prentiss drunk."

"yes, you have." she frowns.

"no. not, like, plastered."

"don't let Garcia hear you say that." Morgan laughs. I snort.

"why?"

"any excuse to party, and she'll take it." he shakes his head affectionately.

"she'd just call it bonding." Prentiss adds in. I have a soft spot in my heart for Pen. for all of the darkness we see here, she makes it a little bit brighter with her quips and sparkly pens and neon glasses. she's a blessing.

"what's so bad about that?" I defend for her sake.

"nothing's wrong with it, per se," Emily shrugs. "it just means we aren't as professional as we should be."

"I'd argue that our job actually means we get to let loose more when we have the time." I shrug. Morgan offers his fist to pound, and I oblige with a satisfied smile.

"you two are children, you know that?" Emily gestures between Derek and me. I shrug, about to return to my crossword when she speaks again. "how many tattoos do you have, Clea?"

I blink for a second, deciding whether or not to lie. it would be kind of cool to sound badass, but I don't know if I even have the mental capability to fib to a bunch of profilers. "none."

"what?" Morgan looks at me with confusion.

"yeah, none. why is that such a big surprise?" I laugh at their reactions. Prentiss is alarmed, too.

"I don't know-- you seem like the kind of person to get a heart tattooed on your thigh or something." Morgan shrugs. I make a face, silent.

"that's offensive."

Prentiss snorts and finishes her drink. I peek over and see Reid with his eyes closed but a slightly amused smile on his face. by the couch, I can see through the window. we're slipping through gray clouds that are saturated with rain, and the weather change causes the jet to shake a bit.

my fingertips wrap around the arm of the seat and Emily eyes me warily.

"you okay?"

"don't like flying." I answer, nostrils flaring slightly. usually with these trips, I've been able to hide my apprehension for flying by holding onto my knee below the table or something, but the sudden jerks are putting me off.

it's stupid-- plane anxiety is ridiculously common, and I don't think it's necessarily unwarranted. the problem is that to a bunch of people trained in behavioral analysis, it shows a blatant fear of not having control.

which is true, but it's not like I need that plastered all over my face every time we board a flight.

"would you get a tattoo if you could?" Emily changes the subject, thankfully, and I bite down on my bottom lip.

"I think so, yeah." it's said without much thought; all that's on my mind right now is wondering what our ETA is. Morgan shifts in his seat to smirk.

"really."

"sure."

he nods appreciatively before turning to look back out the window. droplets of moisture are collecting there, but they only distort the image of Portland stretched out below. the water is steel gray and rippled with wind.

I've never been here. for some reason, I find myself wondering what it smells like. that mingling of city scent and ocean, if they meet in the middle to form their own distinct identity. if it will settle on my tongue and in my clothes.

it's funny to me that when I go to different places and return, I don't notice how different it all smells until I breathe it in through the fabric of my shirts, and from there it all comes rushing back. Spencer mentioned during a case once that scent creates the most powerful memory reaction out of all our senses-- and I believe it.

DC smells like humidity and rain-slicked streets, Montana like dust. even the jet has a particular one that I don't associate with anything right now, but I know I will in the future. like I'm standing in the formation of a memory.

half-baked.

...

we've got the hoods of our raincoats up as we make our way into the office of our latest victim. Morgan holds the door and I wander in, staring up at the enormous glass walls of the place. a stray droplet falls from the hood of my jacket and onto my nose, rolling down the bridge and causing me to sniffle.

her boss is surprisingly dismissive of us when we get to his office, reluctantly getting off a phone call and giving me something of a dead-fish handshake. as we take a seat at his desk, I can smell the overbearing stench of his expensive cologne.

he's got exactly the kind of look that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole: taut, judgmental face with a stiff mustache and slicked-back black hair that honestly is probably dyed. his eyes linger on me for a bit longer than I appreciate, but I clear my throat and try to brush off the discomfort.

Winona's body was found in a ditch off the side of a highway, dumped like trash. based on the ME report, she was alive when he threw her in, but died shortly after from her wounds. the whole thing is gruesome and as her employer notes her tendency to daydream and occasional tardiness, I want to reach across the table to smack him.

Morgan is able to keep his cool better than I can, nodding. I know it's important to know her behaviors in order to build our profile, but I still don't like the way this guy is talking about her.

"she wasn't really the strongest employee we've got, but she was nice enough around the office." he shrugs. I notice the gold wedding band that glints on his ring finger, the way he leans back in his swivel chair. he's got evaluative eyes.

by the time we're done, I'm practically flying out the door of his office and hurrying to the elevator. we got what we needed to know from him, if not through a somewhat convoluted method.

"nice guy." I note sarcastically after punching the down button. Morgan tucks his hands into his jeans pockets and looks at our warped reflections in the elevator doors.

"we talk to a lot of people like that. you get used to it."

"didn't seem too concerned about her at all."

"I don't think guys like that are concerned about much more than themselves."

"you should have mentioned a tax evasion investigation happening around here," I smirk. "that would probably put the fear of God into him."

Morgan chuckles and looks over at me. it would be unprofessional to fist bump with so many people around, although the smile we share is definitely a great equivalent.

as we pack into the metal box with a bunch of employees, they look at us curiously. the enormous FBI label on the back of our jackets probably doesn't help, but I pretend to look like I know what I'm doing as we step out into the lobby.

in all reality, faking it until I make it is the only thing I know how to do.

...

the late night cravings come as a surprise as I stand over a map of Portland. my eyes are starting to cross from staring at all the minuscule details for so long, and my fingers are twitching from a mixture of hunger and overloaded caffeine.

we were supposed to go to bed about two hours ago, but I know for a fact that I'm not the only one sitting in my motel room with open files and a determined expression. I do happen to be the only person rooming alone, however, and the silence has been helpful.

Reid's been working on a geographic profile, but there's something missing. I'm not sure what it is. all I know is that if I don't figure it out soon, it's going to eat away at me. based on his activity patterns, there are only a few more days before this guy abducts another woman.

except now I'm just thinking about how much time we don't have, and that sort of sends me into a spiral, too. I'm prepared to always be running against a clock for this job, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm going to lose it if I stare at any more tiny lines indicating roads or side streets or whatever else demands attention.

I need to get out of my head.

before taking time to really consider anything else, I grab my phone and look up pizza places nearby. what I need right now is some sustenance and tv-- or at least something to distract me enough to recharge.

I change into my pjs and wash my face while I wait for the delivery person to arrive, try to ease the day out of my bones. there used to be a whole process for me after work every day, where I'd shut off my brain. The Real Housewives of Atlanta provided ample help for this, along with fuzzy socks and glasses of red wine. I can make do with this.

once the pizza guy comes and I pay for my food, I don't even make way to my room; instead, I go to the person I know who needs this more than I do.

"Clea?" Spencer rubs his eyes as he swings open the door, glasses held in the other hand.

"hi." I smile brightly.

"what are you doing here?" his soft tone and the dim light from a motel lamp in the corner tells me that Morgan is asleep right now in the other bed.

in response to his question, I hold up the box of pizza with a grin. his eyes widen.

"I can't eat all this alone." definitely a lie, but saying that he needs to take a break probably wouldn't sway him enough.

for a second, Spencer seems to debate this in his head. when he runs a shaky hand through his hair, I roll my eyes. "it's pizza, dude. not a wedding proposal. you can go back to the case in twenty minutes."

he nods this time and looks up at me as I turn and start toward my room. closing the door gently behind him, I don't miss the way he increases his pace a little to catch up with me.

"did you get mushrooms?" he asks. I throw him a disgusted look before realizing what he's talking about and breaking into a grin.

"you remembered!" I reference my hatred of the fungus. Spencer smiles with pride, turns his gaze to the carpeted floors. I unlock the door and let us in.

"of course I remember," he snorts. "it's hard to forget."

I giggle at the way he immediately uses the sink to wash his hands, and I join him after setting the box on the bed.

"favorite soap scent?" I ask absently. suds cover my fingers as he rinses the water from his. normally, this isn't a question I'd ask, but Spencer seems like he would have a response.

"you know, I really enjoy anything fresh-smelling," he thinks about it. "like waterfall smell."

"I like those, too."

"what's your favorite?"

"there's this brand that I love that specializes in antibacterial soaps, and they have a lavender one that literally makes me ascend." I laugh. Spencer is drying his hands with a folded towel and his face lights up.

"Ravi's Organics?" he suggests. my heart leaps with recognition.

"yes! oh my god, have you used their cracked cinnamon one?"

"I have the hand sanitizer in my bag." Reid's eyes are so pretty. they sparkle with a hazel color, almost chocolatey in the cheap motel light.

"they have a hand sanitizer for it?" my jaw drops. he nods and I shake my head slowly. we walk over to the bed to eat the pizza. he seems hesitant, though, and pauses.

it takes me a second to remember that Spencer has different boundaries and is just kind of awkward in general. even though there's no obvious tension between us, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, so I plop down on the floor.

"you like Ravi's Organics." he states it back to himself more than to me, and as I pop open the box to reveal a beautiful pepperoni pizza, I nod vigorously.

"yeah, it's actually kind of a funny story," we start to dig in immediately. I lift an enormous slice to my lips and bite into the perfection. it's so good. "when I was little, my parents used to call me Rascal."

"Rascal?" he laughs through a bite of food.

"like the raccoon? from that book?" it's a kid's story.

"why?" he snorts. I take a second to chew before replying.

"I just get really overwhelmed by certain sensory things-- like, I hate being sticky or having any kind of weird texture on my hands. so whenever we went out to eat or anything, I would always sit on the outside of the booth so I could run to the bathroom and wash my hands as I pleased." I explain all of this with a slight frown on my face. it's true, I've just never really thought about it.

"I don't like sticky stuff, either." he offers.

"yeah, it got pretty bad. but I guess I just grew out of it. I'm not sure when." I pluck a piece of pepperoni off the top and slide it into my mouth.

Spencer takes in this information for a second while he eats, and I'm momentarily worried that I've overshared. he came for some food and now I've served up a weird childhood memory to accompany it.

but then he does something funny and altogether endearing.

"actually, raccoons are very cleanly creatures, despite their dietary habits." he tells me.

frankly, it makes me feel better than anything else that he could have said. "fastidious little things, right?"

"exactly." he chuckles. his shoulders are hunched, elbows leaning on his knees.

"fix your posture." I say gently, noticing the way his spine curves abysmally when he's sitting across from me. his cheeks turn a pretty pink, but he follows directions.

"is it that bad?" he's a bit embarrassed. immediately, I soften and do what comes easily, making a joke.

"if you don't work on it, you're gonna be living in a French cathedral by the age of thirty."

Spencer snorts-- genuinely almost chokes on his food-- and looks at me with his almost childlike eyes. there's something in them that I can't decipher at all, almost so obvious that it completely goes over my head.

"that was mean." he's still trying to recover from the onset of giggles, and I lean forward to grab another slice, suppressing a proud grin myself.

"your future straight-backed self will thank me."

"I'll remember that." he nods dutifully.

"I'm sure you will."

we share a secretive smile before I bite into my pizza and launch into a different subject. the more I learn about Spencer, the more I want to know. I feel like there are things beneath every new surface that would be fascinating to understand.

"what's it like having an eidetic memory?"

he frowns like he isn't sure how to answer. I thought he'd already have something locked and loaded, a prepared response for a question he definitely gets frequently. when he opens his mouth, I find myself hanging on every word. "it's... interesting."

"blessing or a curse?"

"both."

"would you ever give it up if given the option?" I narrow my eyes a bit. I'm especially curious about this.

"no." this is delivered with certainty. for a second, I stare at him with about a million more questions in my head. of course, they're completely out-of-bounds and way too personal, but they're still there.

"hm." I say instead. as usual, delivering thrilling commentary at every turn.

Spencer peeks at me over his pizza for a second, seeming to want to say something else, but decides against it. our eyes meet; I'm not sure what it is, maybe a silent agreement or something else that's unspoken, but we decide not to press further on either end.

whatever he's got tucked away in that big brain of his, he's not ready to talk about it with anyone-- much less a new colleague in a dumpy motel. there's a time and place for certain things, and boundaries to respect.

I change the subject before he can make some lame excuse to leave. for some reason, I just don't want him to leave me here in this room.

taglist (lmk if you wanna be added/removed for this series): @reidsconverse @voidsfilm

#spencer reid #spencer reid fic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds #best friends to lovers #fanfic #mgg #matthew gray gubler #baby spencer #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x reader

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