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graphicabyss · 3 years

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I watched The Falcon And The Winter Soldier and I liked it more that I expected, although frankly I didn't expect much. Overall, I love the setting, the cinematography and the character development. The director and the writers did an excellent job. But it also sent me down an emotional roller-coaster and that's the thing I really need to talk about.

I know there are countless rants about TFATWS, Endgame, queerbaiting and poor MCU narratives but I've never really been hanging out in the fandom until recently so for me it's my first one and I need to get it off my chest. It's gonna be long.

It was interesting to see where the show's gonna take things but start to end there was an elephant in the room. It doesn't sit well with me the way they completely sidestepped the Steve Rogers issue. Like, "we didn't make this mess, so we're not gonna go there". And it's just wrong. You can't just avoid the subject altogether and pass it on for future writers to handle. Also, you see Bucky so sad and lonely it breaks your heart. And this inevitably made me think about Endgame and Cap's storyline. I didn't feel like writing it all down after Endgame but now all these thoughts and feelings came up again and I need to get it off my chest. If they ended it all at Endgame, and I thought they did, it would have been fine, sort of. We'd forgive some loose ends. But they didn't end it there and that makes them fully responsible for this mess. I mean, I didn't hate Cap's ending. After all, it could have been worse. Steve could get together with Sharon like in the comics and they probably considered it at some point but the reactions were so bad they backed down and dragged Peggy along. Still, the ending just felt forced, no matter how you look at it. The thing is, if I knew about it after the first movie, I'd rejoice. But at this point, after everything that went down after, it just doesn't feel right. I love Peggy and I can't deny the dance scene made me flutter a little but now I wish this was Steve's way to keep his promise before going back. In the end, Peggy would be fine without him. She had a good life, she made a career and a family. We know that thanks to Agent Carter. And we got many cues that Steve and Peggy's relationship, as important as it was, was over. Her saying goodbye to him by destroying the serum, him carrying her casket... Yet, Endgame effectively undermined that basically erasing all of these events from existence and making Peggy just a prize for Captain America. On the other hand, Bucky needed Steve the most. And the show made it clear how bruised and broken he was. Bucky and Steve's relationship was the closest of any relationship in the MCU. At that point it was clear Bucky was everything to him, the only one who could truly understand him. Steve lost him many times and every time he fought to bring him back, no matter how impossible it seemed. When Bucky was captured Steve went into an enemy base alone on a suicidal mission and saved him and everyone else. That's basically how he became Captain America. Then Bucky got killed in the war and it devastated him. Bucky returned as Winter Soldier and there was hardly any Bucky left in him but Steve nearly let himself be killed because he needed to save him and he trusted that James would not hurt him. When Bucky finally got to his senses, there was an ultimate war going on and in the Snap James fell to dust in front of Steve's eyes. It took 5 years to get him back. And as soon as Steve succeeded, he left him, along with the rest of his traumatized friends and the world in deep chaos, to be with Peggy in 1940's, thus throwing 12 years of his life away. It just didn't feel right. That does a disservice to both Steve and Peggy's storylines. But it's not just about Peggy or Bucky. Steve going back and living his life to return to that park as an old man has opened a rift with a host of questions. I tried to get to the bottom of it but it got me nowhere. According to Russo, when Steve went back he created an alternate reality. He also retired as Captain America. First off, I think he just made that up after to cover up the mess. If that was the case, Cap would return to the designated spot and not be sitting on a bench like he was waiting there all along. But, like, even if it was alternate reality, it could not be that different, right? He wouldn't just live in Peggy's basement, would he? He knew about the things to come like, you know, the HYDRA thing, and being the man that he was, he couldn't just sit and do nothing. Especially when Peggy was one of the founders of the SHIELD. Captain America or not, Steve would do everything to make this world a

better place. Also, if Steve went back after he crashed that plane, that means there's another Steve still locked in ice, which Russo confirmed. Even more importantly, in Steve's timeline Bucky is still with Hydra being tortured. There's no way he could leave him there. So much for the 'quiet life'. Then there are the writers of Endgame who claim that Peggy's two children are fathered by Steve. Really? That directly contradicts the earlier version that the father is a soldier Steve saved, which is shown in Agent Carter. Seriously, guys, if you're gonna make up random bullshit at least get your stories straight first. Fans love to make all sorts of theories to try and patch up the holes but the truth is, MCU is not just one mastermind's creation and the comics weren't either. It's bound to be a mess because it's created by dozens of writers and directors and each phase gets increasingly messier because it has to fit in with the 547 previously released movies and shows. I get that and I applaud the effort of Endgame but they really can't expect us to get involved with the characters only to see them being treated as an afterthought. And the thing is, I thought that it might be just me but after a quick survey of the fandom I realized that a lot of people feel the same way. If you look at the comment section of nearly any relevant video, you're gonna get top comments saying all these things. If Marvel listened just once maybe things would make more sense. And all these thoughts aren't necessarily what I wanted to see, but what would be right for the characters. And while I do love Stucky, I'm a reasonable shipper and I really didn't expect them to be canon gay or anything, I just wished they had at least spent some time together not fighting, just healing and catching up on their lives. Honestly, I don't always like the way people ship m/m characters in every show but this time it was really more than justified. The whole storyline going through Winter Soldier and Civil War was just massive queerbaiting. It was undeniably a love story, romantic or not. "Why do you ship male characters?" some people ask. Idk, maybe if the writers put half the effort into developing m/f relationships as they do m/m ones and not just randomly throw them together I might care about them. And MCU was terrible with romance. That traumatic kiss Steve had with Sharon Carter? In the comics, Steve did love Sharon but who cares? In MCU they met, like, twice. Mostly after Peggy's funeral. Peak romance. If they had to pick a new love interest they could go with Natasha. They cared about each other, they bonded in TWS and they were both dealing with some difficult issues. But they became just good friends, which I loved. Instead, Natasha got together with Banner? And then there's Wanda and Vision, which seemed like the most random of pairings with no buildup whatsoever. The wonderful world of heteronormativity where a witch/robot couple comes before a gay one. And the thing is, I only recently learned that there's some legit leverage to portray Bucky as gay. Bucky is based on two characters from the comics. Bucky Barnes was Steve's teen sidekick, kinda like Robin, so this origin was too weird for MCU. Instead, the writers used the origin story from a character named Arnie. It was a boy Steve grew up with, a boy who protected him from bullies, and a boy who kept inviting Steve to these double dates. A boy who was gay. Which wasn't explicitly stated but was pretty obvious. And this was in 1984. So making Bucky gay would be neither woke nor against 'canon'. It would be way overdue. So with TFTWS it was nice to see Bucky recover and bond with Sam but to me the whole ending also felt a bit excessively positive and this time the queerbaiting felt even more intentional, almost as if the writers wanted to distract the discontent fans with a new shiny ship so they forgot all the things they were mad about. Like, of course I want Bucky to be happy but also I hate the way the show's pushing the idea that he just needs to get over losing Steve and move

on with his life already because surely all his problems come from his inability to trust people and not trying hard enough, and not from being brainwashed and tortured for 70 years and then losing the only person who loved and cherished him.

#MCU #Endgame rant #Stucky #TFATWS #Marvel

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progressivestupidity · 4 years

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IZ week 2020

so i wasn’t gonna do this because I didn’t think the prompts were very good for writing to, but I remembered the last day’s prompt was “role swap” so I decided to do something small and quick for it. this is all 7 days in one post. the first and last ones are drabbles and one of them is an au idea

@invader-zim-week here u go!!!

Day 1. Angst or Fluff

Zim’s denial skills are god tier, but even they have their limits.

Drabble. I think this is the turning point for my eventual found family au

“When are you going to get it through your thick head that the Tallests aren’t coming?” Dib flings his arms out wide in his exasperation

“They’re just…!” Zim fumbles a bit, clenching and unclenching his fists. “The Armada is a million light years away! It takes time to travel that far, obviously. It took me six of your months to get here from Conventia and the Massive is further away from here now than that. They’ll come! You’ll see! And then you’ll be sorry!” Zim’s face is drawn tight. He’s tense all over, shoulders drawn up to his jaw, antennae pressed flat to his head, and normally Dib prides himself on reading Zim like an open book, but he’s too far gone in his own annoyance to see the warning signs.

It’s because he doesn’t see these red flags that Dib proceeds to stick his own foot in his mouth with his next words. “Maybe if you weren’t such an idiot and opened your eyes, you’d see the truth—that they dumped you here to get rid of you.”

“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?” Zim explodes, planting his tiny hands in Dib’s chest and shoving. The boy lands painfully on his ass. “I’m not stupid, Dib.” His name is spat like an insult. “I know they don’t care about me! Why do you think I try so hard?”

Dib gapes at Zim, looking up at him for once, stunned into silence. “I.” He swallows. “You know?”

“Of course, I know.” Zim’s voice is a low hiss and his eyes are narrowed to slits. “You don’t get banished and then just get over it. You don’t get put on trial to defend your life, forced to relive your worse mistakes, and get sentenced to death, only to be saved by freak miracle, and never acknowledge it happened.” Zim takes a deep breath and crosses his arms over his chest. Dib supposes he means for it to look intimidating, but it looks more like he’s holding himself together. “I’ve always known.”

“Why do you try so hard then? If you’ve always known there was no point?” Dib has to ask, has to know, has to hear the words from Zim’s own mouth.

Zim purses his lips and turns away. “There was always a point.” He falls silent for a moment, one antenna twitching up a bit in thought. “I just… I thought if I was just a little better, if I accomplished something important for once, that… I don’t know, that maybe I’d.” He pauses and grits his teeth. “Maybe if I actually managed to take over this filthy planet I’d be worth something for once.”

Day 2. Be Gay Do Crime (LGBTQA+ headcannons)

Dib is bi/pan/demi-ro, Gaz is lesbian, Zim is ace/demi-ro

Headcanons.

Dib seems like the kind of guy that would both take whatever kind of relationship he could get, but also appreciate it. Dib isn’t afraid to work for what he wants and isn’t afraid of things that are “not normal” so I see him being the type to not care about the gender of whoever he eventually decides to date. However, because Dib’s been burned in the past, he would need a deep and sincere emotional relationship to see someone as a potential romantic partner.

Gaz is just a big lesbian. Girls, man.

Zim is ace all the way baby!!! He’s just not interested, and sure, part of that is me projecting, but it just feels right for Zim to just… not care. He has no interest and doesn’t care for sexual attraction regardless of whether or not Irkens do/can/will have sex or not. On the other hand, Zim has expressed a softer side before and I can see him being able to maybe eventually develop romantic feelings for someone if he actually manages to get close enough to them for those kinds of feelings to even emerge. It would take a lot of time and a deep, meaningful friendship, but Zim has shown he’s capable of love. He just has to let himself feel it.

Day 3. Fandom Appreciation

Found family fuck yeah

Headcanons.

I’m still in the process of thinking about how I wanna go about my found family au so here’s just some initial ideas

After ETF, Zim self isolates for a bit. The florpus hole was his Last Ditch Effort plan and had it succeeded, he knew he would have been destroyed too. He was okay with it. He had made peace with it. However, it failed, and now he’s forced to reflect on said failure

The Massive doesn’t escape the florpus. They’re gone, completely. If they the ship does manage to get out, it’s not in one piece

I initially couldn’t decide if The Trial should come Before ETF or After but I think im gonna say before so the Massive doesn’t have to come back lmao

Before too long, Zim jumps back into the planning/scheming swing of things, but his ideas are never more than petty crimes and being a huge annoyance

Dib gets really annoyed with him and they have a big argument

Zim finally admits to knowing of his own Defectiveness

Dib reluctantly feels bad for him and backs off a bit to let Zim have his space

Zim, however, sees this as a betrayal and redoubles his efforts to get his attention

Somewhere along the way, Skoodge comes back and Zim backs off of Dib a bit, having someone else to focus attention on

Dib eventually begins to offer Zim his hand in friendship (phrased as a truce at first) and they finally make steps towards getting along

They realize they actually really like being friends

Zim eventually realizes that he’s made a life for himself, outside of the Empire

Eventually Zim, Skoodge, GIR, Minimoose, Dib, and Gaz form their own little family and explore space and hunt cryptids

(I love cryptid hunter and space exploration aus holy shit)

Day 4. If IZ had a different setting/time period

Cyberpunk??? Sure

Potential idea maybe.

Cyberpunk dystopian future

Aliens and humans intermingle, both on and off Earth

The Irken Empire has gotten bigger

Technology is advanced and cybernetics are widely known/produced

Idk man I don’t know a lot about cyberpunk, maybe this should be more for the aesthetic

Day 5. Aesthetic

Big shrug man idk

Headcanons, thoughts.

I’m a big fan of fashion Zim, and whenever I get the chance I give him clothes that are both cute and comfortable

Galaxy print leggings are a personal favorite of mine to give him

One time I wrote a little ficlet/oneshot where he wore a skirt. I should publish that some day

Uhhhhhh okay so. Dib has veeeeeery big early 2000s emo/punk vibes tbh

Scene kid GIR always makes me laugh

Gaz could pull off pastel goth like no one’s business

I’ve been here long enough to witness emo/scene hair wig Zim and his eventual fall lmfao

Pretty much everyone that redesigned them back in the day gave Zim emo kid hair that fall perfectly over one eye it was WILD

Day 6. What if IZ was a different Genre?

Uhhhh does “fantasy instead of scifi” count?

Potential idea maybe. (oops it ended up being a fantasy/modern magic au haha ooooops)

Instead of being an alien, I had the idea of, maybeeeeee Irkens are like. Elves maybe, or perhaps some kind of fae. (I don’t know much about fae, oops)

Okay bear with me here, this is all coming together in real time.

The Irkens (which is what I’m gonna call their clan or faction or subrace or whatever) still want to be the rulers or something over the humans/other mystical beings. This world of magic is hidden from humans and they live blissfully unaware. There are invaders all over the place, using magic and glamors to trick humans into thinking they’re also humans. Zim is one such invader and just to happens to end up in Dib’s town, whereupon he enrolls in Dib’s school, pretending to be a transfer student.

I have no idea why or how the Irkens invade or what methods they use, but since my biggest experience with elves is through DND, I’m going to say they’re functionally similar to certain DND elf races.

So anyway, Zim ends up in Dib’s class and Zim’s glamor just Doesn’t Work on Dib for whatever reason (maybe Dib passed his Wisdom saving throw while literally everyone else failed, idk) and so Dib can immediately see Zim for what he is.

Dib is still into paranormal type stuff, though in his world, he’s less about cryptids and aliens and more about the magical species/world(s) that he KNOWS exists. His big goal in his au is similar to canon in that he wants to expose it all for recognition and love from his father.

Zim, meanwhile, he just wants to prove himself, just like canon. I can’t decide how I want the Irken hierarchy to go in this au—that’s something to think about later, when I have more time—but whatever it is, Zim is either a) not very good at it, b) not suited for it, c) ridiculed for not fitting in to it, or d) a combination of any or all of these things. (or secret option e) he rejects it but has no where else to go. On the other hand, it maybe be none of these things.)

GIR is here too though he’s probably not a robot. Maybe he’s another kind of magical being, or, hell, maybe he’s just Zim’s little brother. I’d be okay with that.

Gaz can also see through glamors but she just doesn’t care. Tak shows up at some point to get revenge, and Skoodge also shows up at some point to stay with Zim and be his friend.

Zim is bad at blending in at first, but he eventually Does get better, since he’s not totally isolated from other Irkens here and he also doesn’t Look like an alien.

(I’m thinkin’ elves in this au look Mostly human but with a few differences. Since I’m biased and this is MY fantasy world, damnit, elves are just. Really Pretty. Ethereal and elegant and graceful (for the most part—there are always exceptions) and they’re also great at magic. Maybe Zim isn’t all that great at magic, I dunno. I’ll figure something out.)

This ended up being less of a genre change and more of a whole ass au, lol oops

Day 7. Role swap

Chanting: human zim au human zim au human zim au human zi

Drabble. This is for an ongoing species swap au that i’ve had in development for the last few years. i haven’t posted anything for it yet, but I’ve thought about it a lot

Dib freezes as Zim points the plastic water gun at his head. Zim’s eyes are narrowed, lips pursed, and he adjusts his grip almost nervously. Behind him, Gir is holding a bucket full of water balloons and a pair of neon green star shaped sunglasses. It’d be cute if Dib wasn’t aware of how painful Earth water is to his Irken skin.

Zim finally lowers his gun slightly. “I want some answers, alien.” He looks Dib over with critical eyes. “Who are you really, and why are you here?” He reaches back and Gir hands him a water balloon with a big smile. “And you better tell the truth or I’ll bust this over your big head.”

Dib grimaces and watches the balloon. “My name Dib, and I’m a scientist. I’m an Irken, from Irk, and I’m here to learn more about life on this planet.” He holds his hands up, hoping to placate the human gesture for surrender. “I’m not here to harm you or anyone else, promise.”

Zim huffs. “Yeah right. I bet you just came here to laugh at the locals.” He puts on a mocking voice and waves the gun and balloon as he speaks. “‘Stupid, stinking humans. They can’t even travel beyond their own moon, yet. What morons. I bet they descended from pigs with how horrible and stupid they are.’” He jams the gun against Dib’s chest. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Dib bites his lower lip and looks away. He can’t deny he hasn’t thought something similar since arriving on Earth, but Zim didn’t have to be so crude and blunt about it.

The two are at a standoff for almost a minute before Zim blows out a long sigh and steps back. He turns to put the balloon back in the bucket, gives Gir a pat on the head, and shoots Dib one last glare. “Stay away from me, Dib. I have enough problems to deal with without having to worry about whether or not it’s safe for my brother to go to school or if I need to watch my back while walking my dog.”

“I wouldn’t hurt you,” Dib says, a little put out.

Zim scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. I know better than to believe it.” He turns and tries to smile at Gir but it comes out a little twisted and sad. “C’mon Gir. Let’s go home and get Minimoose and take him to that dog park you like so much.”

Gir gasps and lets out a cheer. “Can we go get ice cream afterwards?”

Zim gives a little laugh, smile turning a bit more genuine. “Yeah, sounds good.”

As they walk away Dib can’t help but wonder why he ever thought Zim was an Irken himself.

#izweek2020 #invader zim #invader zim week #zim #dib #role swap #species swap #iz fantasy au #to be named later #i had nooooo idea how to write about the aesthetics prompt #it really isnt a good writing prompt #tho it's given some FANTASTIC art #i wasnt gonna do this at all bc the prompts arent very writer friendly #but i wrote the angst thing and then i wanted to write some stuff for the role swap #and now here we are #enjoy!!!#mine #kiera writes fics

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thepeakyfckingblinders · 5 years

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Delight || Michael Gray x reader

⤠ MASTERLIST⤟

Anon requested: 10 & 14 with michael, idk why but i read these and immediately thought of michael hilariously trying to calm his girl who’s losing it Summary: n.10 & 14 from prompt list: "I swear to God, I’ll blind you” + “Have you totally lost your mind?”

Warnings: swearing, Michael being a flirty sexy bitch (and me loving him)

Author’s notes:

First of all, this gif makes me wet. That. damn. smirk.

I’m sorry for being this late, but I’ve been really busy in the past days and writing is never just easy, it demands concentration and effort, plus I don’t want you to be disappointed, so I’m always extra accurate while working. I hope this is worth the wait!

Let me know what you think and tell me if this is what you expected ♡

I’m Italian, English isn’t my first language, so I apologize for every possible mistake I made. Also please, help me improve my writing by telling me if there’s something wrong

ENJOY!

The very first time you met Michael he was effectively still Henry, your favourite classmate at the night-school course in accountancy at Worcester College. Truth to be told, it wasn’t easy at all to attend those kinds of lessons, since the vast majority of people couldn’t afford something like that, but you had always been an excellent learner, whoever knew you noticed your uncommon intelligence, your lucid intellect, your charismatic personality and, for all these reasons, you eventually decided not to quit your studies, managing to combine your daily job with evening classes. Naturally, it took a lot of hard work and you’d found yourself about to give up everything more than once, but four years later, continuing your studies turned out to be the best decision you’d ever made: first and foremost because you had the chance to come across the love of your life, secondly because your degree allowed you to aim at pretty prestigious employment, considering the terrible men’s world you were living in. Moreover, your strong personality together with your determination drove you to constantly improve your job skills; in the space of a few years, you went from working as a simple personal assistant for an important Irish businessman to actually becoming his leading and most trusted secretary, so now, after countless months of unspeakable efforts and sacrifices, you clearly hoped to become to all intents and purposes his second in command. And you would have succeeded, if it hadn’t been for the fact that your direct competitor had a penis between his legs. “This is all fucking insane, fucking intolerable!” The door shut noisily behind your tense shoulders as you angrily shouted, entering the Shelbys’ earliest office in Small Heat; Michael was sitting there alone, with his feet comfortably placed on a desk, a fuming cigarette through his fingers and the latest edition of the Birmingham Daily Gazette held in his hands.

“Love?! Is everything okay?” His green eyes immediately gave you a look halfway between interrogative and worried, however you were too wrapped up in your heated discussion with yourself to mind his concern, so you just roughly threw your crimson red jacket on a random chair, before going back to curse against the whole world.

“Five damned years, five! I broke my back, not sleeping for days, always running from a place to another” Michael’s amused gaze followed your movements as you went up and down the room like a spinning top and your hands frenetically removed your emerald hairpin, letting your locks fall softly on your bare neck, just the way he liked it. It was easy for him to understand what you were complaining about and, being aware of how much you cared for your career, he decided to simply let you blow off steam while enjoying the little comedy show you were putting on.

“I wore out and bought so many shoes, with all that money I would’ve set up my own fucking company by now! And all of this for what?!” Your mad outburst paused for a brief moment as you poured in a glass a massive amount of gin, then chugging it in the twinkling of an eye with a stern expression on your face “To have my job stolen by a total jerk, only because I’m a bloody woman!”

The crystal cup you had drunk from loudly crashed into a thousand little pieces when you violently flung it against the wall, in a fit of absolute blind rage; only then your boyfriend rapidly got to his feet, reaching you on the other side of the office in a matter of seconds, in order to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself. “Jesus Christ, y/n, have you totally lost your mind?” His look softened as he held both your wrists in his big hands, ascertaining that you were okay and there was no blood on your velvet skin, then again a small grin appeared on his lips since an adorable frown formed on your flushed face. Your pupils rolled with annoyance and you slightly pushed him away, taking some unquiet steps in no particular direction.

“Yes, I fucking have! I’m a complete fool, to the point of thinking that in this shitty world people could achieve something by merit, regardless of their damned gender!” Once more Michael reached for you, his fingers went to lovingly caress your shoulders in attempt to calm you and keep you in one place, while his eyes captured yours with urgency. “C’mon, baby, I know you’re furious right now, but you can always start working for Tommy, he’s been begging you for months, plus we’re way better than those screwed idiots” Yet his warm voice didn’t succeed in soothing your terrible disappointment and you unwittingly got away from him again, your nerves still overcoming you. “You know I don’t want any special treatment, I need to make it with my own strength, not because I’m your stupid girlfriend!”

Your boyfriend smiled subconsciously realizing how proud he was of you and your incredible persistence, a sudden surge of tenderness caught him off guard, leading him to gently cup your face with both his hands.

“If you don’t slow down, I swear to God, I’ll blind you” He playfully whispered a few inches away from your nose, while pecking your lips several times, finally managing to defuse your fury, even if only a little. Indeed, for a brief moment, your mouth involuntary curved in an imperceptible grin, before you turned your back on him in search of your purse.

“Please, do it already, so I won’t have to see that bastard’s face ever again” You muttered, messing with the content of your bag, and a low laugh left his throat, Michael shook his head, resigned to your extreme stubbornness, as he watched you stand in front of the only mirror in the room, busy fixing your make-up without a real reason, merely to keep your nervous fingers occupied with something.

He took a moment for just observing your figure in pure delight, while you continued to wildly powder your nose and ramble about your discontent; he loved the contrast between your tiny self and the huge fire in your belly, he loved the fact that you were able to be both the sweetest creature on earth and the fiercest woman he knew, he loved the way your cheeks heated with strong emotions and how your hair nuzzled your skin whenever you let it down, and all of a sudden he found himself eager to make you his, right there and then. So he kept staring at you and removed his grey jacket, starting soon after to unbutton his matching waistcoat and then his shirt, always maintaining an alluring smirk on his magnetic face, even though you were not looking at him; at least not until you raised your eyes, noticing his silhouette through the mirror. Your mouth went totally dry in a single instant, you forgot what you were talking about, your irises drinking every drop of that stunning sight: Michael’s lean but toned shape, together with his flirtatious expression, literally mesmerized you as the afternoon light filtering from the windows emphasized the features of his solid chest and abdomen. “W-what are you doing?” That was everything you were capable of stumbling when his arms possessively gathered around your waist, pushing you against his body so that you could physically feel how much he wanted you in that moment, his lips left a wet kiss on your neck before slowly moving towards your ear. “I’m being a good boyfriend, babydoll, ‘gonna help you relax a bit, yeah?”

@namelesslosers

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thecardssayfuckoff · 5 years

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Hey, I love the stuff you write for Valdemar so I wanted to send a request. Could you maybe write something really soft and wholesome -as soft and wholesome as they can be- for them and MC? Or my other idea is them and an MC who has a really strong, punk (I hope you know what I mean?) attitude and isn't intimidated, freaked out or scared by anything? (Or maybe their façade just doesn't crack if they happened to be intimidated or anything?) I wish you all the best! Hope you're well! 💜

I went for the soft and wholesome thing but idk if I did good, sry qwq. Also no HC format this time.

I Tried To Stay Awake.

A fluffly Valdemar/MC fic.

Valdemar walked through the corridors of the dungeons without haste, humming under their breath, and visibly satisfied. It happens that they had just finished three experiments with subjects with the plague, and each of them had been successful according to the theories they had when they opened their heads and took out their intestines. It had taken hours to finish, mainly because it was personal and they didn't want any other doctor to help or interrupt them; but they had succeeded. The pride, emotion, and satisfaction were enormous.

So they walked calmly, enjoying the solitude. The clock read more than twelve o'clock, so all the other doctors had already left or were asleep in their rooms.

Humans, so fragile, so full of needs.

Luckily they didn't have them, something that would be of great advantage that night as they reread their notes and transferred them and compared them with other writings. The experiments had them really excited.

It wasn't long before they arrived at their office. They opened the door without paying attention, eyes fixed on the sheets of information in front of them. They thought, however, to see something out of the corner of their eye, so they looked up.

They barely had time to stop the door, which was about to slam shut. Long and strong fingers held it whilst their owner looked curiously at what had caught their attention.

It was you, curled up in the black leather sofa. You seemed to be asleep, although your body was shivering a little. Valdemar supposed that it was due to the low temperature, but they couldn't imagine why, having knowledge of such a thing, you had gone there without something to cover you.

The surgeon gently closed the door, lost in thought as they stared at you. You looked so peaceful there, so pretty and... cute. A smile, a genuine one, was born on their lips as their eyes softly ran down your face. However, you kept shivering, so Valdemar went to leave the notes on the desk whilst unbuttoning their robe. They were immune to the cold, but they knew you didn't, and they didn't want you to catch a cold.

A yawn made them turn their head in your direction. Perhaps the noise (or the energy of their presence, more surely), had awakened you. You'd sat down, and you rubbed your eyes while giving another yawn.

"Hello," you greeted them. They fully turned to face you.

"What are you doing here, little one?", they asked immediately, crimson eyes full of curiosity. You raised your shoulders, still half asleep.

"I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to interrupt you at work, so I decided to wait for you here", you replied. Valdemar frowned slightly.

"How long ago did you arrive?".

"A few hours. I tried to stay awake, but... oh well".

Valdemar's fingers stopped for a few seconds before continuing with their task, a soft blush on their cheeks when they realized that you had gone down there hours ago and without protection, with the infernal cold of the dungeons, and instead of going to look for them directly, you preferred to wait because you knew well how important their work was for them. You had fallen asleep on the couch, freezing, before even thinking of interrupting.

They sighed, feeling the increasingly usual warmth in their chest.

Valdemar finally finished taking off their robe, and approached you to put it around your shoulders and cover you a little. Being this close, you gave them a soft kiss on the jaw. Their blush increased.

"Are you able to walk or do you prefer to be carried?", they asked, but they didn't wait for any response and preferred to simply take you in their arms.

A shiver ran through them when you curled up in their chest.

"Where are we going?".

"To a room. I would prefer to take you to my State, but it would be better to warm your body as soon as possible. I do not want you to get sick", they explained, in their typical medical chatter instead of simply saying that they were going to clothe you and let you sleep in their bed.

You didn't answer, you just settled better against them, a smile on your lips, similar to the one struggling to bloom on them.

A short time later, Valdemar already had you lying down and well covered by the blankets. They had pulled out even a couple more they had out there, throwing them over you to make sure you were as warm as possible. You were human, fragile and sickish; but you were also their human, and they wouldn't let anything happen to you, even if it was a simple cold.

"Can I keep it?", you asked them out of nowhere as they finished arranging the blankets over you. They sat next to you, head tilted, not understanding what you were talking about. "The robe. You tugged me in so fast that I didn't have a chance to take it off, even if... Can I keep it?", you repeated, colour on your cheeks.

"Why would you want to keep that?".

"It's warm, and it has your scent in it. It makes me feel safe".

"Do keep it. And do sleep. I'll come back later, since I still have some work to do", they informed, and with a swift movement they stood up and walked to the door. You smiled at them, sleepy once more, nodding even thought they couldn't see you.

Valdemar walked through the corridors of the dungeons without haste, though their dark and lost heart ran out of control.

#mah babey #valdemar x mc #quaestor valdemar #the arcana valdemar #valdemar #valdemar the arcana #fanfic #the arcana fanfic #the arcana fluff #fluff

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ruthlesslistener · 4 years

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😍 🤷 and 🤣 for reader asks?

😍 What is your favourite fic trope?

-Gods, apart from going fucking feral over a loved one getting hurt? Whenever someone is hit with a REALLY HEAVY REALIZATION about something deeply important to them and it changes their entire worldview. Like, it’s a punch to the gut, gasping-for-breath sort of revelation and they’re suddenly drowning in their emotions. Tied with that is when someone super cold and closed off suddenly does something to show their trust around someone they love and that knowledge takes the breath of the op away; augment that with one of the people being human and the other being like, an inhuman creature or something and you have a killer combo. Which is like three different tropes in one but whatever, idk, I’m gay and I can’t do math anyways

🤷 What thing that your fandom loves do you just not “get”?

-In Hollow Knight specifically? The fucking,,,’haha WL got cheated on oh she must be so sad about that’ jokes and her being depicted as a waiflike figure who wanted nothing to do with the vessel project and had no choice in the matter. Like, she specifically said that she never cared about PK having a kid with Herrah because it meant nothing in the long run, and she felt fondness for Hornet. Not to mention, she’s a fucking goddess?? And the queen of Hallownest?? And a tree???? She was the equal to PK, and most likely had the same feelings about the vessel project than he did- hell, she succeeded where he didn’t, and seemed to have successfully held herself distant enough from Hollow to be able to command Ghost to replace them. If she has any sorrowful feelings on the matter, she keeps them locked away because her duty to what’s left of her kingdom takes precedence over her feelings. I have no doubt that she wanted children, but her maternal instincts are different from ours, she was able to put her kingdom before her kids entirely by choice. She was PK’s equal, a ruler, and she still loves her husband even years after everything fell apart- he didn’t force her into doing anything, and if she disagreed with him then I’ve no doubt she would say something about it in her dialogue with Ghost. She ain’t no housewife and this is not a stereotypical het pairing with stereotypical roles and power shifts. If anything, she’s a Mother Nature allegory- kind and beautiful, but also cruel, in a distant, ‘what needs to be done will come to pass, and I must mourn after the deed is done’ sort of manner. That’s what makes her an awesome character!

🤣 Has a fic ever made your face hurt from laughing so much?

-YES there have been fics where I’ve had to hide my face in a pillow or something because I was laughing so hard that I was worried my family would hear me wheezing and come into my room thinking I’m dying or something. It’s GREAT but also kind of terrifying because my family is the deeply judgmental sort

Send me reader asks!

#reply #vivifrage #thanks for the asks!#ask meme #ask game

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letteredlettered · 5 years

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I was just in the middle of reading away childish things when I realized you also wrote The Boy Who Only Lived Twice (god i would kill for more of that au with Draco and Harry already together - I think I passed out for two days after that fic, I can't stop thinking about them finally together), but anyway, my point is actually to ask you how you write?? using simple words to express emotion so intense but soft, do you write everyday? what sort of books/fics do you read (1/2)

You write like someone who's very well read and knowledgeable, and I think you might just became one of my writer goals, but your word count is also so forbidding idk how you do it...(2/2)

Thank you for this ask! I do write every day. Lots of people talk about dragging themselves to the computer to make themselves do it, but it’s never been that way for me. Some days there are particular things I don’t want to write, but honestly when I start feeling literally ill when I think about writing (I get nausea about it) I write something else that makes me happy, because I am writing every day not to get better (though I hope I do) but because it calms me down. I often can’t sleep without it.

Also, in terms of word count, I can write anywhere. I can write on the bus. I can write in line at the grocery store. I can write while doing laundry. If I can’t use my phone or don’t think of it, I write in my head. I have a freaky memory where, if I concentrate and repeat short enough chunks to myself, I can write it down almost verbatim later (if it’s a short amount of time later). This is just a neat skill I have, but I will say that I worked on it extremely hard. I spent an insane amount of time in my teenage years focusing really intensely on um, focusing intensely during between-times (like the moments you’re riding in a car or going to the bathroom) so that I didn’t waste time. Basically I wanted to spend time Thinking About Important Things, so I tried to train myself to do it. In a weird way I succeeded, but it’s also just me. I want to say I think about different things now than I did when I was a teenager, but that would not be true. My main pillars of thought were ethical philosophy, how to be a better person, and writing stories, and um, embarrassingly if I’m peeing I’m probably thinking about one of those things.

I also read what I’ve written way too much. Like an abnormal amount. In fact, it is the main thing I read. If I’m on the bus reading my phone I’m probably reading the thing I am currently writing, not a book or news article. I want to say it’s so I can do a lot of rigorous editing, but it’s because I get so obsessed with what I’m writing that I can’t stop rereading. But rereading lots does help in terms of trying to making characters consistent and plot threads tie up.

To my shame, I don’t read a lot of books these days. When I do, it is YA sci fi/fantasy or classic lit. I have been reading Middlemarch for legitimately over a year, but Daniel Deronda is possibly my favorite novel. Back in the day I read a lot of 18th and 19th century British lit, Hugo, Dumas, Doestoyevsky, and a few 19th c American authors. Some big influences on my writing were Robin McKinley, Sarah Rees Brennan, and Jane Austen. I do read a shit ton of fanfic, and some of it has helped me become better. Lots of times I’m also able to get ideas from it of what not to do, or the type of writing I don’t prefer or doesn’t work to me.

To me, one of the best ways to become a better writer is to be analytical about the media you consume. I do watch a lot of TV, and when I do I take apart the stories in my head and try to see what I liked about them and why they work.

The fact that I use simple words is possible evidence of my TV consumption. I don’t mean that TV is simple but since the medium isn’t word-only there isn’t a focus on beautiful words or intricately constructed phrases. I used to want to be a writer who used beautiful words and intricate constructed phrases. I worked extremely hard on that for most of my teenage years and on into my early twenties, but I was always disappointed that things I wrote sounded lecturey and stilted. In the end, I had to admit to myself that my skill--such as it is!--lies not in language but in my ability (again, such as it is!) to analyze people and motives and interaction and desire. When I switched to focusing on the characters and less the words themselves, the writing got better, although it also became a lot less interesting word for word--that is, the prose itself is fairly mundane.

Anyway, you’ve got to play to your strengths, and the more you write and read the more you’re able to identify what those strengths are, and bolster your weaknesses so that they don’t suck so much. Has anyone ever watched me write a physical description though? No because I’m terrible at it.

Anyway thanks again! Good luck in your writing endeavors!

#writing #i was fucking weird as a teen #but still am I guess #Anonymous

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disneydreamlights · 4 years

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Pick five random questions (and also do the post apoc question as a sixth ;3) for Ticole, NiNick, Skyuuya, Matt/Luca, and whatever tf your otp for dark materials is?? i haven't been keeping up with your trash so idk what to ask for that one but also indulge yourself in your current trash plz

Yu I’ve been sitting here just like “I’m so sorry you asked” about that HDM pairing for the past ten minutes.

Partially because of the self indulgence and mostly just because they’re a train wreck.

I’m just gonna go in order for once because like...does anybody following me even care about this series? Or is this going to be me being self indulgent like I normally am with my oc ships. XD

Ticole:

2. Who is the most insecure and what makes them feel better?

Absolutely Tip. He lacks self confidence to such a strong degree. One the flip side, Nicole is great at being there to comfort him, either by reminding him that everything’s okay and that he’s loved or by providing whatever it is he needs and wrapping him in a blanket burrito.

9. What is the most embarrassing thing they have done in front of each other?

I refuse to take criticism that for Tip this isn’t the time that they were in Dragonspyre after reuniting and Tip started meowing at Nicole because he was very tired and she was just like “That’s cool you’re alive” because she was so relieved to have an alive Tip.

For Nicole, it probably would have something to do with her falling asleep in the middle of doing something. I have a lot of thoughts on the idea of her spending a lot of super late nights reading once he falls asleep and she just ends up falling asleep in the middle of it because she’s not paying attention to the time. It’s hard in general for Nicole to get embarrassed in front of Tip because he’s just so naive about everything.

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? Who gets the final vote?

Mostly animated things. I see them watching a lot more wholesome movies and given Nicole’s origins, she’s very obviously a Disney fan. She also gets the final vote since what they’re watching isn’t important to Tip.

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

Mmm this is an interesting question. On one hand, they’re badass and together nearly unstoppable even in the pre-revival stuff (which is what I’m going to focus on in general because that’s a more fun Ticole anyways) so the chance of anything taking one of them down once they make it to shelter? Unlikely. They probably serve as pillars of emotional stability and comfort for each other as they keep themselves safe from zombies.

But this comes with a stipulation. They’re untouchable so long as everything they love is safe.

It’d be unlikely for anything to happen to Ian or Charles but if it did, it’s pretty likely that Tip at least would fall apart. So this could end up bad.

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

Not counting worlds where they almost died??? I don’t think they would. Like literally the only place I could think of would be the bedroom because sex between the two of them? Super daunting there’s a reason I skipped the sex question every time RNG pulled it up.

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them?

Oh dear god 95% of the annoyance with them I guarantee is directed at Nicole. Nicole is overprotective as shit over Tip and it gets to be ridiculous. The first couple of times she’s angry over somebody hurting Tip it’s scary but afterwards. “Nicole. Nicole plz. I know you’re upset but Nicole listen please shut up Tip’s fine. Nicole.”

I’m honestly surprised Ian hasn’t done anything yet tbh about this.

NiNick:

1. Who makes the first move and how?

I’m like...95% certain the person to take the leap was Nina? I don’t remember it’s been ages since I read the scene.

7. What do they get up to on a night out?

They take nights out? *shot*

No in all seriousness, these two when they do go out for the night probably have super romantic times. Nick’s supposed to be a romantic, so I could see him setting up candlelit dinners, figuring out the best showtime to watch the movie Nina’s really wanted to see, really doing the most to make their night out all the more special.

8. What do they like in bed?

Oh my god.

Nina’s not vanilla so her kinks go as far as Nick’s will that is all I will say on the subject.

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

They try to keep moving on. I feel like they both alternate who’s functional on different days. Some days it’s both, and when it is they’re valuable resources to wherever they are. When one isn’t, I’d imagine the other just holds them while they try to cope with the fear and loss. There probably is some sex involved in all of this, because they can use it to help them forget that the world is ending and who knows when their next time could be their last.

Thankfully at least, they’re also social creatures. I’d imagine the two of them would stay in groups for as long as possible.

20. Where do they go on holiday?

Nina? Absolutely big amusement park nerd. I don’t think it matters where Nick wants to go she absolutely plans all her vacations around the fact that they might be able to stop by some kind of amusement park.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

Somebody please stage an intervention for their sex habits. Please.

Skyuuya

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

Emphasis first of all in that these touches are always not sexual, but I can see Yuuya just always reaching for her as like small little gestures. Grabbing her hand if he notices she’s starting to panic. Giving her a hug when she seems just a little down. Just all sorts of reassuring small touches that absolutely mean a lot.

7. What do they get up to on a night out?

When they find the time to have a night out uninterrupted, I’d imagine it’s whatever dates Yuuya manages to come up with near where they’re based. This could be anything from beach trips to theme parks to nice dinners. It’s not really a specific thing they plan on a night out so much as just enjoying each other’s company for them.

But that being said I also see them sometimes just enjoying the peaceful nights by relaxing together for once and trading stories and talking. Like of course Yuuya wants to go all out on these dates but it’s despair world. He literally can’t because you always gotta be on guard so they make the most of it however possible.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

Yuuya would be the most doting fuck if Sky got sick. She keeps telling him to stop. He’s gonna get sick. He really needs to stop. Except he absolutely doesn’t and brings her tissues and soup and wraps her in ten thousand blankets and “YUUYA IT’S A COLD I’M NOT DYING I DON’T NEED THIS MANY BLANKETS” except he’s not doing it because he thinks she’s going to die, he’s doing it because she’s Sky and absolutely deserves the best care she could ever get.

Then once he gets sick afterwards she throws a box of tissues at his head. granted she’s also making sure Yuuya has everything he needs for a full recovery from the cold but that’s less relevant.

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

They start preparing to kill zombies. They’re the couple who just shows up on a motor cycle with their back towards each other and start shooting. They’re the zombie apocalypse dream team. They’re certified badasses. They’ll be fine.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

First kiss after the prison (and not the peck Sky did to fluster Yuuya after getting together) is probably a little bit after the game??? Like they’re both together and spending time anchoring each other but like so much stuff went down and it’s just a lot to unload? And it’s not so much the where that matters but the when. Because I really would like to imagine like they’ve spent so much time worried and searching for their little siblings who mean the absolute world to them they have kinda put their relationship on the backburner in terms of being overly affectionate. And then they just finally find Sera and Sakuya and Hiyoko and they’re sitting there talking later that night and overwhelmed by emotions over the whole thing and idk who starts it but it’s like a “I’m really so glad we finally succeeded we found them” kiss.

Pre-PoD though? That’s a lot less happy. So I know we discussed that like...some really bad shit goes down and they start off not really getting along and gradually growing to care about each other because of an event that really forces them to understand the other? Well all I can imagine is whatever the terrible thing that happens is that really makes them get along? It happens. And of course even though they’re supposed to not like each other, but the other one of them is still listening to the other and supporting them because that hatred has been gone for a really long time and just like the one who’s hurt realizing that the other one has been there the whole time and they just realize “fuck I really like them” and somewhere in all this the kiss happens. So I guess in their room in the future foundation would be the answer to this.

26. Why do they need to have a serious chat?

Why don’t they? *shot*

Well, for one, there’s definitely some things they need to work out. Yuuya is still a spy. Sky still has her duties as a Keyblade Wielder. Both have ties to literally different worlds and different duties and they need to figure out how to make that work, and how to work on being in a relationship despite the possibility of not seeing each other for months.

There’s also one very specific scenario we discussed, the one that cemented Leone’s hate for his dad because he thought that Yuuya ditched them or died? They definitely have serious talks over that. I mean, Yuuya’s probably around his thirties by that point. He’s not young anymore and death is a very real threat for him, just like it is for Sky. They both probably have to address that. Which speaking of Leone, they also probably have a lot to talk about given he’s their son and has awful darkness issues.

Luca/Matt

3. Who is the most romantic?

I could write an essay on this but we both know it’s gonna be Luca.

15. When they watch a film what do they choose and why? Who gets the final vote?

The movies vary, but given Luca’s taste? It’s either absolutely shit or a horror movie, there’s no real way around it. And Luca tries to give Matt the final vote because he knows he struggles with keeping attention so he wants to give Matt like...the best chance of being able to keep himself focused and comfortable during the movie, but he ends up with the final vote anyways.

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

So long as Matt and Lila are fine? Luca’s doing awesome the entire time. He serves primarily as the moral support, and encourages his best friend and boyfriend to survive.

Now why did I mention Lila? Because if something happened to either of them, that’s it. Luca’s shutting down completely. This boy is so reliant on them that he literally would be just done for in a zombie apocalypse.

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

Whichever one is at fault will like apologize. If Luca’s at fault, he’ll do it after he’s calmed down but if Matt’s the one at fault he’s probably immediately apologizing. Then once they’re both chill I see them talking about it and the make up is probably in the unsaid “we’re working on our issues together.”

That being said this is Luca so true confrontations are probably pretty rare.

22. Where does their first kiss happen?

Luca’s apartment, after Luca nearly fucks up Matt still kisses him anyways. Luca questions if his boyfriend has taste or sanity immediately afterwards.

30. Why does it work (or not work) between them?

This is a twofold question.

It does not work between them the first time because Matt is a cultist who literally betrays Luca’s trust because he’s in fact working against him. This in turn is the last crack on Luca’s faliling mental health and he shatters and they very obviously have a lot to work on.

But once they get back together, because they do have the ability to work through it all? They work because they know better. Luca is all in and he loves Matt, and he brings out the best in Matt I’d like to think. They put forth the effort to be better and make it work because they both love each other, and so it works.

HDM Ship (Ma/sriel)

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

Asriel. I could elaborate but the scene at the end of S1 really does speak for itself on this one. Of course Marisa doesn’t do the greatest job of this either or else the series wouldn’t exist.

5. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

I really had to think on this one but Marisa. She’s the younger of the two and despite her excellent facade in the series I do think her emotions would be a bit more free than Asriel’s, who’s shown to be emotionally in control for like the entire series. In spite of this it’s still an incredibly rare thing. We’re talking every once in a while, not frequent.

14. When one has a cold, what does the other do?

First of all they tease the other mercilessly. Neither Asriel nor Marisa are particularly doting (not until near the end of their life anyways) so they’re not the type to drop everything to take care of the other, especially since their relationship is secret in the first place. That being said they do make sure to check to make sure the other is alright when sick. Marisa probably brings some medicine and Asriel who funny enough I see as slightly more doting in this instance does his best to bring her things after she’s recovered (since she ya know, has to deal with the whole actually having a husband thing this is an affair why is this the ship hell I sunk into.)

16. When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

God they’re probably studying the zombies to figure out how they came about because they’re like scientists. I hate this. XD

18. When they fight, how do they make up?

They don’t. I ship this but it’s highly dysfunctional. Marisa and Asriel are both stubborn and pigheaded and a part of me would honestly believe for them that fighting is a part of foreplay. Occasionally one might apologize for a fight but it’s not like either of them will really budge on either of their positions (well okay that’s a lie. At the end of TAS Marisa has decided god has to go too but that took three books to get there, and it’s still not so much because she hates religion so much as if he doesn’t die her daughter will and she would do anything for Lyra.)

But on the flipside, they also forgive each other? Like it’s like...they’ll fight, neither will apologize, but both sides will accept it. Because even when their relationship is absolutely at their worst and they hate each other for twelve years, they still care. Asriel is one of the only two things to get an emotional reaction out of Marisa. Marisa is one of the only two things to get an emotional reaction out of Asriel.

It’s really hard to explain, it’s less like they’d ever make up and more like they would just move on from the argument. They only have so much time to waste on it.

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

Um literally everywhere. These two are literally having an affair behind Marisa’s husbands back they aren’t going to go broadcasting it. That being said it’s mostly travels around London that get bad. The farther away they get from Marisa’s home the more likely they are to throw caution to the wind. And of course when they’re doing research they also tend to be a lot less nervous because there’s nothing wrong about it that could cause them trouble (on the surface).

#Heather RPs #lup-laguz #Heather Answers

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gg-astrology · 5 years

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Hey,love ! Idk if my ask got eaten up or not but I've been really curious about my Saturn placement cause I've really been struggling with it and it has gotten worse these past few years. I have retrograde Saturn in the first house in Gemini. I really want to know how to work with it. All the love 💕💕💕

Hey there!! 💞💞💞 Ahaskjknf i’m sorry i don’t even know if some asks are eaten up but :(( I got this one! 💞 Ooof I hope I can help? 💞

[ Gemini Saturn + Gemini Saturn rx in 1H ]

Nice I guess I’m doing this skjdnk as a continuation of the earlier saturn post

Saturn as the lord or time, of manifestation, in a light sign like Gemini the native may often listen to others and subsequently feel restrained by word, action or inaction (the limitation part)

Imagine a libra but like,,, as a gemini. Sometimes listening to others can be like ‘oh ok’ and then a minute later it can lead to someone being like ‘wait now that i think about it…’ it can lead to indecision on the person, over-thinking situations and thoughts to themselves into growing anxiety if they don’t learn how to take control of that and express themselves properly, healthily and openly to others to stop themselves from over-thinking/assuming stuff immediately

another thing to note is that because emotionality goes fast like POOF, once you’re reassured about something you act like you weren’t emotionally worried about it in the first place. It’s a good idea to mention it to others, or express your vulnerabilities/emotionality too because you may try to handle things short-term and think long-term engagement/planning is unnecessary. It is, like it’s necessary. Make sure to give yourself room/space to prep others that it causes you anxiety, so that if you ever doubt yourself/your relationship like that again you’ll have room to mention it as well.

Self-expression when it comes to the self/others is something that they prefer to be learnt. As in through practice, a lot of the time Gemini as a mutable/air sign may feel uneasy when they’re put on the spot to do something they might not be good at. There’s a tendency to be self-aware/feel shameful in themselves if they don’t perform the way that’s acceptable/know they’ll do well in/can give it a go with more than 50% chance of succeeding.

I think in a way you’re aware of how other responds to you, but also hyper-conscious about how you appear to others. The idea is you can sometimes over-think to yourself, worry so hard you wear yourself out with your mental activity. And that’s never a good thing to do because the lesson here for Gemini (communicative) and Saturn (challenges) is to learn how to speak when you need it the most.

Speaking to others to quell up worries, speaking about your emotions/how others makes you feel is kinda important.

You’re right, somethings aren’t as serious as it turns out to be but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t mention how it’s affected/hurt/impacted you prior. You might not want to burden/open up about your vulnerabilities, but it gives others a chance to look out and take care for you. To look after and be thoughtful towards you, which is something your Saturn in 1st is going to prefer.

Cut the problem at the bud, is what I’m trying to get at. Expressing your emotions/vulnerabilities is the way you can learn how to grow/accept changes best. At the same time, keep in mind that with how receptive Gemini is to response and activity around them– you do tend to think a little pessimistically about situation bc it ties in to practical ‘doing’ things to remedy it (if something turns out bad then you’ll have a solution ready)

Don’t let yourself think negatively all the time, communicate it out. And also sometimes, if you feel like you’re being tossed and turned with self-transformation. Try to learn how to express and feel confident in your own value and thinking. Gemini are adaptable, sometimes in Saturn you can be stubbornly opinionated even if it’s uncalled for or unwanted.

You hurt yourself most when you don’t learn how to be vulnerable or make Gemini ‘stiffen up’ when it’s supposedly flexible. Learn to be flexible with your thinking as well, not everything is pessimistic or optimistic, but you can express your feelings/thoughts/expression out loud and see where it leads you (where you need to go) 💞

A lil more on Gemini Saturn natives (not necessarily in 1st house)

Practicality/pragmatism is an approach they prefer. Because that cuts down on your worries right? But in doing so they can sometimes overthink their inaction/action into a spiralling myriad of self-worries/judgement and prone to not realizing how to deal with things emotionally (to the point where they measure how much they’re over-thinking with the response people give them in return or suppress their emotional component bc it was ‘whisked’ away by the response/ignore the ).

Overthinking because they feel a need to make the ‘right’ decision or seek security is common.

Insomnia, isolation– feeling lonely or ‘emotions’ is sometimes rejected. Activity is preferred to keep the self occupied, thus, sometimes native of the Saturn Gemini can turn to seek friends, communication, people. Because they never want to be left out/alone or lonely or feeling like they’re on the wrong/off path in life.

It’s more to do with feeling of being ‘unattached’ and uncared for rather than like what’s actually happening?? Sometimes the mind can overthink things which makes the emotionality/insecurities of the person more reactive. Being reciprocated or reached out to is also important, to feel like ‘oh there is a thread’ and quell some of that insecurity to dust (like the wind blew it away suddenly)

Self-expression can be a thing they enjoy alone, like writing and stuff. But mostly it still has to do with energy, keeping the self from feeling out of the loop/isolated and ‘checking in’ sometimes that people are listening to them.

Sometimes– depending on the person, sharing an intimate side of their art/passion/self-expression requires them to shut their emotionality down and be in the right state of mind for it.

Gemini does well with practicality, so these Saturn Gemini people tend to be practiced people. Yet they may sometimes lack in emotionality, or rather they would absolutely hate to look dumb in front of others/public. Saturn is serious, in a light sign in Gemini everything have to have substance even if it’s casual/informal.

Saturn Gemini tends to get a little more stagnant, as in they fear being made a fool of so much they might not even attempt to do something until they’re ‘sure’ they’re going to do it well/good. Practice (since Saturn points to learning something and being able to show it out. What the Gemini Saturn needs to realize is that they tend to feel a heavy presence of ‘shame’ and panic when they feel like certain things are out of control (Saturn) and that they are being made a fool of (Gemini) in public

Your self-doubt becomes your self-preservation and thus self-limitations. Most of your worries stems from your own over imaginative thinking and consequently affect your health/emotionality as well.

Don’t assume, just do things. It helps you grow a lot better if you learn how to actually reach out and connect to others, instead of just thinking about it.

Also learn how to be on equal footing as others, as in– trust in your own ideas/opinions and good points. Don’t let your pessimism/insecurities shade over your vision and make you feel like you’re not as great as you are because you really are amazing person

Sometimes Gemini Saturn can have really strong spells of pessimism and isolation habit, as in they don’t listen to anyone else’s compliments on them and focus on the criticism/negatives. Be sure to learn how to ‘feel’ happy with compliments, not just looking at it critically all the time. You can be guarded or wary of delusions, but what you don’t realize is that you’re often self-delusioning yourself into being more negative and it’s not helping anyone around you help you. Learn how to seek help and also trust in other’s opinions/response. As well as your own, you only want to hear what you want to hear and that can sometimes lead to self-fulfilling prophecy when all you hear from your own head is fear.

Trust in positivity, and leave room to grow and learn. You need to be able to connect to your emotional side as well, and not let it get dictated by your thinking. If you can feel emotions healthily (balance/stabilize it out) your thinking will come along better as well. Try thinking about that 💞

Ok thats it! 💞💞 I hope this is helpful skdnfkjsn 💞💞💞

#gemini saturn #gemini saturn rx in 1H #1H #gemini saturn in 1H #yoda's corner #yoda the life guru edition #astrology asks #anon #asks

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chromsai · 5 years

Text

5Ds Review

Wooo... another Yugioh down, just 2 more to go on this challenge... (yeah, just a reminder that V//r//ains will not be included in this challenge).

This one I was very excited to get to rewatch... at first. I’d only seen this once before all the way through, and halfway through I remembered... that I only actually really enjoyed about half this show. My last attempt at rewatching this show failed completely (yes, I admit that I abandoned ship as soon as I hit about the halfway mark... or even a little less), but this time, by some fucking stubborn as hell and definitely worn out miracle, I succeeded. Barely. But I did it. I may have... lagged it a bit here or there (even worse than when I watched GX, surprisingly), but I finished right on schedule.

And right on schedule, here’s my honest review of what, for a short period of time back in like mid-2014, used to be my favorite Yugioh spin-off:

Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds.

(Note: Before you skip through all this and just scroll to the bottom to read my final rating of this show, just know my breakdown, because I tried to be the nicest reviewer I could when reviewing this, for the sake of... idk, my sanity, or whatever. The breakdown I chose is:

1. Season 1 2. Season 2:

a. filler episodes b. Crash Town i. Bonds Beyond Time (BBT) c. WRGP + Ark Cradle d. Finale

Why in the hell am I making this so complicated this time?! Reasons. Reasons to be discussed...

And don’t worry, as always, I’ll do my best to keep it short and just my overall thoughts.)

Season 1 - Fortune Cup + Dark Signers (Episodes 1 - 64):

We start off with something that’s very promising and fast. I don’t necessarily mean “fast-paced”, per say— the show, at least right here, doesn’t seem to struggle with pacing much at all— rather, 5Ds exudes the sort of energy that it’s set a course and it knows how to get there. Where is it going? It doesn’t know yet and it doesn’t care, and honestly in this first Season, that’s completely fine because it knows how to make each pit stop into a memorable detour worth paying attention to. It doesn’t waste your time, is what I want to say.

The first leg of the Season, the Fortune Cup arc, does a great job establishing its main cast and their reasons for being involved in this dystopian mess of plot. Regarding said dystopian mess, rest assured that the show’s world is pretty well established within the first few episodes, so world building is not an issue either. It’s already going pretty great, and then we’re gifted with the excellent Dark Signers second leg which builds on character’s backgrounds, establishes relationships even further, and raises the stakes just enough that things actually matter. That’s right. Consequence finds its way back to Yugioh... or is it introduced into it, actually? It’s been so long since we’ve had some consequence in Yugioh and yet its existence is so fleeting, as we soon realize, right at the end of this arc.

It’s something to get used to for the next... a while.

Regardless, Season 1 of 5Ds is without a doubt an enjoyable watch with some solid presentation (for the most part). It’s something that’s an incredible breath of fresh air for this anime franchise. Though perhaps a short one...

Overall rating for this arc: 4/5 - very good, but still lacking on that much sought after umph that we crave from a lot of shows, an element we’ll keep missing in this franchise for a good while...

Season 2 (Episodes 65 - 154):

Here comes... this. Mess. If you;re getting the impression by now that I’ve been procrastinating talking about this, you’re right. I’m going to go pretty fast on this... or ‘least I’ll try...

a. Filler Episodes (Episodes 65 - 85):

Although, yes, we are indeed introduced to a “new threat” this season, we spend the majority of the time these 20 episodes exploring the daily lives of the 5Ds cast and crew, introducing new (95% useless) side characters left and right. At first you might think, You know what this is kinda fun, but actually you are wrong. The only episode in here that anyone ever remembers is that one where Yusei and Aki go on a roller skating date. Because it’s cute. But superficial. None of these episodes carry much weight at all, perhaps baring, like, those two or three episodes that introduce Sherry and, later, Bruno. But otherwise? None of this matters. Harmless tho? Mostly.

Season 2a rating: 1.7/5

b. Crash Town (Episodes 86 - 92)

“Wait, I watched this show and these episodes were also filler, what gives?!” You’re absolutely right, my friend. But you’ve forgotten one thing:

That’s right. Yusei’s classy ass.

No, but in all seriousness though, Crash Town offers some weird, old-western-style fever dream. It’s ridiculous; It has nothing to do with 5Ds at all. It’s like the producers decided to just drop us in an AU without warning, and honestly? It’s not terrible.

Season 2b rating: 2.8/5

i. Bonds Beyond Time (BBT - movie)

So this movie was canon to 5Ds, but was it 5Ds? No. As such, I won’t rate or review it here, but I’ll admit it’s not not a fun time for a fanservice movie. Is it of good quality, though? Not really, aside from its presentation. Do I have to mention that it’s canonically a part of this show? Yes. Do you miss out on anything important later on if you skip it? Aside from a small mention of its antagonist’s existence in one line of 5Ds’ climax later on, nope.

c. WRGP + Ark Cradle (Episodes 93 - 153):

*Sighs groaningly infinitely*.

This leg of Season 2 is, easily, the worst part of this entire show.

Before I continue, I need to mention that, as you might have guessed by now, the show has resorted to talking endlessly and vaguely about “destiny” and “zetsubouuuu” in place of its original, wholesome themes relating to self-worth and the intricacies of the relationships between people called “bonds”. But I’m sure that was a given by now; hopefully I didn’t have to clarify that.

The WRGP and Ark Cradle comprise a total of sixty-one (61) episodes and a shit ton of duels, but only exactly one (1) of those duels is decent-good (and it’s still very skippable. I know. Because even though I remembered I liked it the first time I ever watched this show, I decided it wasn’t worth it and still just skimmed it, much like I did for most of this Season).

The WRGP itself is an incredible drag to watch through. The pre-duels are cluttered with unnecessary exposition, Yusei becomes the only useful character through the end of the show, we’re met with uncharismatic and unoriginal teams characters that make Doma’s goons from DM Season 4 seem interesting in comparison. Every duel goes pretty much the same: Team 5Ds is losing... until Yusei takes the reigns and wins for them... again.

Of course I won’t forget that the main group of antagonists don’t ever use a lick of logic, and their plot unveils always resort to a mix of shock and un-awe, recounting “oh woe is me” tales that not a single person could ever care for, much less remember, all for the sake of “justice, destiny, and redemption”. All of which falls flatter than if this show was called YuGiOh 1D.

Lastly, I will absolutely not end this portion of the review by not reminding everyone that, no matter what they say about that-one-spinoff, Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds had, unarguably, the worst plot twist of all time *mic drop*. That’s a fact, not an opinion. This is my review, not yours.

Season 2c rating: 0.4/5 - I’d rather watch GX Season 4 than this because at least that one ended quicker.

d. Finale (Episode 154):

I won’t waste any more of your time here, I’ll just straight up say it: This episode, directed by the series’ original director (who had been absent since the end of Season 1, mind you *cough*), was, as they say, pretty damn good and had me feeling a tinge of that emotional umphness, but only just a tease. It exudes actual care for the cast of this show, something that hadn’t held its presence in this show for an unfortunate amount of time. It’s a satisfying ending and leaves us without a doubt in our minds that these characters will go on to continue meaningful and fulfilling lives. A gentle, but firm send off. Nice.

Season 2d rating: 4.6/5 - wonderful ending, irked only by the distasteful amount crap preceded by it.

Season 2 overall rating: 2.375

Final Thoughts: Right, I usually add on something after I give my final overall rating, but before I do that, I just wanna say this: people talk about wasted potential all the time, but confuse nostalgic presence with excellence. What I mean by that is, this show had all the major markings of a narrative that conveyed meaning, and yet that got terribly lost along the way. The Finale brought it back up, reminding us why these characters were so endearing and why we bothered to stick through it all with them to the end, despite distasteful ventures. It took a few creative twists at first— in approach, most notably, throwing us into the action before building up its world and characters, and it paid off early on— but the obvious shift in direction less than midway through the series did not pan out well for it overall. Instead, 5Ds left us with a satisfying ending, sure, but about 2/3rds of its journey was just crashing and burning, and we just sat there feeling the bruises of the characters we watched, urging them to just get to the finish line already so we never have to experience this sadly mediocre trip ever again.

Final Overall Rating: 3.2/5.

#sai watches 5ds #ygo hell challenge #5ds review #a bit longer than the last two but i needed this like this lol #thanks if u rea this

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kiritenyas · 7 years

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a meta about one of the best yet most underappreciated character development scenes in the bnha manga

this is very long, but i also think it’s very important. please take the time to read!!

ok, here we go.

i’ve been re-reading the manga and this scene is so emotionally charged and so underrated. i’m going to be salty for a bit but stick with me here.

ok, first of all, let’s talk about the details: the baku(rescue)squad’s expressions.

todoroki looks alarmed, shocked to an extent, but mostly confused. the question that todoroki /should/ ask in this situation is “why midoriya?” because technically it’s todoroki’s fault along with kirishima. even though it’s understandable why iida’s upset at midoriya, being upset to the point of punching him (despite the fact that midoriya isn’t responsible for the initiation of the mission) is placing too much of the responsibility on midoriya’s shoulders, and it’s unfair. but, we don’t see any of that in todoroki’s expression. todoroki and iida went through so much together and so did iida and midoriya, which is why it’s uncharacteristic for him to just punch him out of the blue. not to mention that midoriya just got out of the hospital, and everyone was worried, so why would he do that to him? do we see that in todoroki’s face? the answer is no. his expression isn’t accusing at the slightest.

todoroki is alarmed but he’s waiting. he’s waiting for the explanation. todoroki gets his own panel so we can focus on his reaction, but there isn’t much to it, and that’s exactly the point. todoroki is the only one that gives iida the benefit of the doubt, and that’s a good way of showing how much their relationship progressed without touching on the subject at all.

on to yaomomo, who looks really shocked. she looks terrified, and i feel so sorry for her in this situation, especially because she’s the one they’re going thanks to. she just wants everyone to be okay. she’s helping with this because she wants bakugou to come back safe, and she’s accompanying them because she can’t send them off somewhere dangerous without knowing what might happen to them. she wants bakugou to be safe, she wants kirishima to be safe, she wants todoroki and midoriya and iida to be safe, and she’s willing to break the rules to make sure they are. seeing iida acting this way and hurting midoriya must be horrible (especially with her kind of thinking… in the todoroki/aizawa fight she was thinking about her every move, regardless if it was her losing confidence or executing the final plan. she had to ask herself and todoroki if what she’s doing is okay).

and then, kirishima. todo and yaomomo’s expressions can be explained in a way that expresses their feelings towards the punch as a situation more than an interaction: momo looks shocked because she has no idea why iida would act up when midoriya has nothing to do with the decision (and because she’s subconsciously taking the blame for herself), todoroki looks alarmed– because why would iida take out his anger on midoriya when he was the one to initiate? (and he’s also waiting for the rest, because he knows iida too well), but kirishima has no idea who iida is beside the initial impression of a strict, rule-loving class president, and would have no clue as to what’s iida’s reason for punching someone (and especially when that someone is his best friend).

kirishima, looks so disgusted. he looks confused but his brows are pinched in a way that tells us that he’s not okay with this. and why would he be? he wouldn’t, because kirishima is all around a boy that has a strong sense of justice. kirishima is definitely blaming himself for having to rescue bakugou in the first place, and is going against the rules because he feels guilty and thinks he can do something. he wouldn’t endanger his classmates, ask momo for a favor and secrecy, go against the police and the pro’s orders and spend money on this ordeal if he didn’t think he has a shot at succeeding.

from his point of view, i can only imagine that he thinks iida is being dramatic and unnecessarily violent. kirishima wouldn’t suggest an idea like that without having confidence that they can fix this (he had all of that confidence even when it was just him and todoroki), and he knows that (as a person that was there when it happened) it bugs midoriya the most. so he asks midoriya if he wants to come along. kirishima doesn’t know iida that well at all (well momo doesn’t either but kiri is mentally stronger than her, so he thinks about the wrong in what iida is doing instead of overthinking what he himself did wrong) and it makes all of the sense in the world for him to be mad. iida is supposed to be a role model, and that’s why it’s so alarming to see him randomly punching his dearest friend, but kirishima is the only one that shows clear disapproval for his actions. idk i just think it’s neat.

ok, getting to the point now: iida.

iida is a very underrated character, and his development is especially underrated and looked down upon, but this scene is where he grabbed our attention again ever since he “lost” it after the stain arc. you see, if you don’t stan iida, i doubt you pay attention to him. people appreciate his extremely well-written character only when the focus shifts to him, which is not often at all.

try to think how you would react if you were in iida’s shoes. think about the betrayal you’d feel if your best friend went under your nose to do something you specifically asked them not to go do. think about how hurt you’d feel when your friend ignores people who care about them completely to do something reckless that might get them killed. midoriya didn’t take iida’s emotions into consideration at all.

in the stain arc, iida feels bad for midoriya and todoroki’s involvement. they got hurt for him, and almost died for him. not only that, but he caused major trouble to the pro hero he was working with at the time by doing something on his own accord. he knows better than anyone how acting on your feelings can affect someone else. you’d think that midoriya learned that as well, right? but here he goes again, going under the pro’s noses to do something extremely dangerous. not only that, but thanks to yaomomo, the police had a lead and the pro heroes had the situation under control for once lmao. the students shouldn’t have gotten involved because the police already planned out how to approach the situation–it wasn’t being ignored and they had a plan. kirishima and todoroki’s decision to save bakugou was selfish, and it was selfish of them to ask midoriya to join especially because he’s injured (even though midoriya did want to help), and it was selfish of them to ask for yaomomo’s help (and also keep that information from the pros. just to recap: they asked her to give them the location of the villains so they can do something dangerous and reckless when the police had a way to solve the situation, they asked her to not tell anyone and then they asked her to stay put. that’s the worst position a person could be in; knowing they’re out there, getting hurt, while not being able to say or do anything about it–that’s so difficult. todo and kiri are my faves but they were asking for so much, and it was so unfair to momo. no wonder that she joined them. i don’t think she really had a choice). it was selfish of them to do all of that, and tsuyu (+plus uraraka) made that very clear when she confronted them about it later on.

but to iida, the most selfish thing that happened was midoriya actually going with them. he was going to get himself and other people in trouble. he was going to risk his life doing something pointless. iida knows how much that hurts people. he experienced it first-hand.

iida knows midoriya is frustrated, and he knows how it feels better than anyone else. the difference between the stain arc and the hideout raid arc is that the outside forces could do something about the situation, which is exactly why he has the right to get mad. he knows frustration; it drove him to do something reckless and selfish too. he risked his classmates’ life too, he ran off on his own too. he felt like he was cornered, he had no one to turn to, he was angry and endangered someone else selfishly, and he acted in the most non-heroic way an aspiring hero could act as. after all of that wrong he did, he realized his mistakes after seeing the damage his actions bared with them, and dealt with the consequences the best he could– by changing his attitude and learning from his mistakes.

iida moved on. midoriya was present for all of that; which is why iida is frustrated with him. midoriya acted selfishly too, and caused trouble for others too, and iida thought they learned that lesson together. midoriya said it himself: we were both wrong. let’s make up for it together.

… yet. even though he said all of that, he still repeats the same mistake iida did. the way midoriya planned to go with kirishima and todoroki despite what iida told him is a stab in the back. midoriya didn’t consider iida’s emotions at all. ever since the stain incident passed, iida made sure the class got their act together. he made safer choices and took other people into consideration, and he continued being the best class president a class could ask for. he was trying to make up for his mistakes. he grew and fixed his wrongdoings, and midoriya was supposed to do the same. here he clearly goes against what he said to iida in the panels above. what he said back then changed so much for iida, but it seems like he’s throwing all of that away to go after bakugou in the hideout raid arc. that’s so unfair. that hurts. midoriya went back on his own word (the same words that changed so so much) to do something irresponsible again. in the first panel i showed you, iida says that he worries over everyone, not just bakugou. bakugou didn’t do anything outstanding/likable/rescue worthy, and yet iida worries about him. because of course he would. iida cares for everyone in class 1a, but he didn’t plan to do something reckless (and technically, illegal) for one of them, because it’s not his place. but midoriya did. iida still worried and cared and wanted to do something but didn’t. by totally ignoring iida’s request to step down (and the warning from the other classmates) he disrespected iida’s emotions and incredible self-restraint. iida and the rest of 1a made it clear that it was a bad and selfish idea, but the group still planned to go. that’s so cruel to the rest of the students who worried but restrained themselves. that’s so cruel to iida. midoriya’s supposed to be iida’s best friend but he can’t even understand that.

midoriya, as the person who encouraged iida’s new path when he lost his way, did something kinda heartless. midoriya was so selfish in this arc, it’s honestly amazing. the hideout raid arc is so well-written, and it gives midoriya such a flaw that made me like him so much more as a protagonist. it shows us that despite all of the things he went through, he has so much place to develop. iida is being completely fair in this scene, and midoriya kinda deserves the punch he got. i don’t think he realized how much he hurt iida by sneaking out of the hospital that night.

and of course, regardless of that, iida still joined the group so he can keep an eye on them.

that only shows how much he developed. this conflict is truly one of the best in the entire manga. stan iida

#boku no hero academia #bnha #boku no hero academia spoilers #bnha spoilers #boku no hero academia manga #bnha manga #bnha meta #bnha analysis #iida tenya #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #kirishima eijirou #yaoyorozu momo #class a1 #iideku #idk what else to tag???#meta #some. good stuff happens in this manga

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daughterofdescartes · 3 years

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This has nothing to do with you, so don’t take it so personally! The importance of narrative

today while i was sweeping the floor; my dog aggressively attacked the cleaning brush as it approached him, seeing the brush as a threat. i yelled at him “what are you angry at? this has nothing to do with you! i’m just trying to clean the floor!”; but sadly he didn’t understand me.

later in the evening i got upset for de zoveelste keer about something that upset me around a month and a half ago. i got triggered because i saw the instagram username of this girl who in my narrative has wronged me; has hurt me and caused me pain. i tried calming myself down looking up videos on youtube on how to let go of anger and hurt feelings. at the same time i also let a few tears out, just because.

after all this time i still couldnt quite grasp why this person or situation angered me so much. i was like my dog mindlessly trying to bite something that isn’t even trying to bite me back. i have been continuously seeing this girl as a threat, when in reality she never was; no longer is; and will never be a threat to me. yet why did i feel this way? is it because i felt like she attempted to steal a prized possession? it’s not like she succeeded so why am i angry? looking at the story in a different way, i realize there’s no need to be angry because the threat was never really there. yes it can be scary knowing you can’t control other people’s actions; but it should also be freeing; if i can’t control the world around me why should i be so worried about it? what’s happened already happened, and whatever happened has nothing to do with me! whatever happened between those two people; was something that happened between them two, so why did it feel like i was so involved once i got to know the situation?

my own original take on the situation was that this girl tried to steal my boyfriend before we officially started dating. did she succeed? no; so first of all my feelings of jealousy are already unwarranted. second of all, my boyfriend is not my possession; he is his own independent person and he chooses his own actions. what he did or what she did has nothing to do with me. whatever they did were all their own personal snap-decisions. constantly grinding my own teeth to this old story isn’t productive or doing me any good, so why focus so much on it?

a less painted narrative of this story could be; this girl tried to make things work with this guy she liked; but he didn’t like her back. the end. too bad for the girl, hopefully one day she’ll find someone!

so all this time i couldn’t let this anger towards this girl go; because i was so mad she supposedly tried to “steal” my not-boyfriend at the time. that she attempted to take something away from me. when i realize she never succeeded; why should i continue being mad? is there something else that bothers me? when i realize she was just a drunk girl who had a crush on a guy; what does that even have to do with me? yes i know them both; but why should that bother me? this was their story, not mine.

yes; it is unfortunate that i got to know about this in a very uncomfortable way, but now there is already nothing i can do about me knowing this information, and with time, my feelings towards this event will neutralize. realizing, hey whatever they did, was just something they did because that was what they thought was the right thing to do. so can’t you forgive them and let them go; for your own sake, pretty please? who cares anyways about what happened almost 8 months ago. no need to get stuck in the past :d. what is the relevancy of this to the present? not much; except that you’re still processing the emotions of the whole shock of finding out about this story. yes; it’s sensational, yes it might be scandalous, but mind your own business! you’ve nothing to do with this! you were out of the picture. accept that.

what are my biggest fears surrounding this story. what upset me the most? i was embarrassed that i didn’t know about this for so long and felt like an idiot. it’s not like i ever wanted to know. the fact alone that i found out upsets me, because in reality i never wanted to know that my boyfriend could ever do something with someone else. idk why i’m so jealous and insecure. it’s not like i am below her so why do i feel that way? is there something wrong with me? i’m scared that maybe one day my boyfriend really could choose someone else over me. it terrifies me. i hated that this whole situation made me realize that, whatever i have now is not warranted; and you never know what could happen. the insecurity of not knowing the future; it’s crippling to me sometimes. it makes my throat close up and i feel like i can hardly breathe. the fear of not being loved. the fear that there is someone better than you. that i am worthless; that i’m not good enough. the fear is so suffocating it feels like somebody is stepping on my throat. these are all the stories i tell myself. somewhere along the way to adulthood; i have conditioned myself to believe these thoughts. when did this start? and what makes me believe that these thoughts are true?

i believe my real fear is that i am scared these worries will become reality. that i won’t be needed. i’ll be tossed away and replaced by somebody else. that i am not good enough. when i was little my parents always compared me to the “perfect” children; kids who always did better in school, kids that took better care of their parents and helped them. even when you try your best as a kid; it’s still not good enough. “you just don’t listen. you should be nicer to me.” they tell you, “you ungrateful, disobedient, spoiled brat.” they call you. then you start questioning yourself. why am i not good enough no matter what i do? my parents were never satisfied.

this negative narrative that has been engrained in my mind is so exhausting. it’s an automatic train of thought that needs to be unlearned. you start believing this is how the world actually sees you and how you really are. when really it’s just a story that was fed to you since you were little. the reason i took this particular story outside of my world so badly is because i personified it and attached it to my own story so that it could fit my own beliefs about myself.

i’d like to tell myself that no; this didn’t happen because they were out to get you; that was never that person’s intention. your boyfriend isn’t going to leave you for someone else; trust him for that. you are good enough and worthy. you’re doing just fine, babe :’).

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kingsofeverything · 6 years

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Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year:

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You

One of Many

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way

Splish Splash

Don’t Want Shelter

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner

Find You Home

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried.

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol.

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over.

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong.

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month.

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on.........

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

#*#2017 writing self-evaluation

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metricanxiety · 7 years

Text

for diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me

Genre: oneshot- idk.

Pairing: Phan. (dan and phil in case you didnt know that already.)

AU: Highschool/sixth form. Whatever you prefer.

Warnings: Swearing, underage ??, mentions to sex

Summary: After two years of heartbreak, Dan ends up sleeping with Phil off a drunken decision, and old, unexpected feelings come back up.

Author’s note: i am aware that this is really crap, but i am trying to improve, so please send me requests of prompts, hc’s, etc, because I will write them for you when I get the time. I’m kinda new to posting on tumblr sooooo. PLease keep this out of the main tags, (i.e danielhowell, danisnotonfire, amazingphil, philllester, etc) because i did not write this for them to see. If you are uncomfortable with mentions of gay sex/same sex relationships then im pulling a mannymua and telling you to please dont fucking read it.

“Pretty pretty.” Phil kissed the dimple adorned on the boy’s cheeks, making them turn a deep crimson. It wasn’t often they could be alone, where it was just the two of them, and they could do whatever they wanted. Dan was completely content. He was wrapped in the arms of Phil Lester, the guy that he’d completely fallen for. And although they were only young, he could sense something really strong between them.

Phil was warm, having his Adventure Time sweatshirt pulled over him, and a blanket draped over his legs. Dan rested comfortably between Phil's knees, back to his chest. The blanket, which they were sharing, was up to Dan’s chest, as he didn’t have a hoodie on. Phil’s arms crossed over Dan’s chest, with no plan of letting go. It was moments like these that Phil longed for. He couldn’t wait to have someone special to him, so they could be entertained just from the company of one another. And he finally had it.

Dan couldn’t help but to think about how lucky he was in that moment. Normally, on Fridays, Phil would be off with friends, spending time with them, but due to a holiday trip, they weren't going to be doing anything all together this summer. Which meant Dan had Phil all to himself.

Phil leaned down, pressing his lips to the skin poking out of Dan’s tee, and it may have been the cold, but Dan shivered under the touch. This was all new to him, he’d never been in a proper relationship before, or had anything romantically special with somebody before. So he was still growing accustomed to the constant affection, not that he didn’t like it, but everything was so new.

Dan turned his head slightly, only to see Phil, resting his chin on his shoulder. Phil tilted his head to look at Dan, and they both smiled, bumping their noses together.

It was Dan to finally close the gap, kissing Phil, just because he could.

When Dan was awoken this early morning, he wasn’t aware he had company. His eyes fluttered open when the rays of sun washed over his face, blinding him. The curtains were never closed the night before, because well, he didn’t even remember half of last night. The sun light lit up Dan’s bedroom, making the edges of his desk shine bright with the natural highlight accentuating the sharp corners. His plant drank up all the light it could get, as it never got much in the first place in it’s dark corner of the room. The pictures that littered his wall had a glare, making the faces unidentifiable, but Dan knew them well enough to know who was being blurred out.

Dan’s hand formed a fist, and rubbed both eyes, as if it would help him wake up, wipe away his constant feeling of restlessness, but alas, it never worked. He yawned, leaning over to check his electric that sat on his bedside table. The numbers lit up in read told the brunet that it was half past six. Dan groaned, throwing the white duvet over his waist, as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, getting ready to be up for the day. A chill washed over his skin, giving his goose flesh up and down his arms, realizing that, yes, he was completely naked. Not a cloth bared on his back.

Dan decided that maybe a few more hours of sleep would do, even though there was probably people piled in his downstairs level of his house from last night’s endeavors. They’d be okay for a little while.

Dan was known for his awesome parties, that’s the only thing keeping his name high in the food chain at school. And lat night was special: the first party of their last year of sixth form. It had to be amazing, because there was now a countdown to the very last party of their secondary school life. Everyone knew Dan would do well with this important night, and judging on what he remembered, he nailed it.

He tugged the duvet back up, flopping down onto his side, and was startled when he saw a body directly next to him, in his own bed.

And it wasn’t just a random stranger from his class, no, it was Lucifer himself.

Phil Lester.

Dan couldn’t believe it, because holy fuck he actually gave into this bastards antics, after two goddamn years of rejection, Dan finally gave in. And he hated himself for it.

You see, Dan never got on with Phil. At least, that’s what Dan told himself. When they were both sixteen, they had this fling over the summer, but they never took it farther than cuddling and holding hands. But, before school started, Dan thought he was finally with the guy of his dreams, but then dumped because friends got back from holiday. Specifically, Phil’s friends.

Dan was so heart broken, he didn’t ever think he would be able to leave the safety of his bedroom ever again. He never thought that Phil, his Phil, would ever hurt him after what happened between them. Sadly, however, people make promises that the probably will not keep, which Dan had learned the hard way.

Ever since, Dan watched Phil, seeing that he wasn’t the only rose petal being ripped apart by Phil’s hands, he wasn’t the only broken heart in the school. Poor, sweet, Liz Brekell, thought Phil was the love of her life after being asked out by him. She swooned over his exterior, and, even Dan admitted, was pretty fucking hot. Phil had muscles in all the right places, with straight, black hair that swept to the right, and his fucking smile, it definitely stole the show. But sadly, Liz was dropped for well, the net girl to drop to her knees. It was disgusting to Dan, that he too, had fallen for the scumbag called Phil Lester.

Dan gasped, brown eyes met blue, one screaming out of horror, disgust, the other of smug, and satisfaction. Phil had a fucking smirk spread across his cheeks, and Dan tugged his duvet away, covering his modesty. Phi, however, didn’t budge. The look in his eyes began the memories to flood back into Dan’s mind.

The alcohol, the kissing, the dancing, all the way until They stumbled into Dan’s bedroom, lips attached, zippers being pulled, buttons being ripped. Everything happened so fast, Dan felt as if he couldn’t breath.

“Morning, sunshine.” Phil’s voice was deep, raspy from its lack of moisture, and the strum of his vocal chords was probably the most sexy thing Dan had ever heard in his entire life. And if he didn’t have self control, he would have melted in Phil’s fingertips right then and there. Instead, he built up his walls of defense mechanisms. Last night was a mistake, he decided.

What Dan didn’t know, was that Phil thought it was hilarious that Dan hated him. He loved it, actually. Phil always liked a challenge. But when the rumors spread, about Dan and him, he was broken to have known Dan was no longer interested At least, that.s what Kyle Lockins said. So Phil did what any man would, moved on, and tried to make him jealous. He only succeeded at one of those things. He only really wanted the boy he had grown close to that one summer, the boy he kissed for the first time in the flatbed of his dad’s truck, under the stars of the country side.

A true night to remember, one of the best nights of Phil’s life, and he let the precious diamonds slip through his fingers, mixing with sand after returning to the rocks he was used to. Dan shined brighter than any gem in the treasure chest of their student population. But Phil could never say that out loud. Picking up pieces of the diamond you lost is more difficult than thought.

Phil shifted closer to Dan, trying to edge himself to the point of human contact, just to be able to touch him, but Dan had other thoughts. Dan did not want Phil any closer than the 38 centimeters they had between them, and ended up falling off the bed on the process. In some degree, Phil was hurt, but at the same time, he needed to take the situation in Dan’s perspective. He, as dd Phil, barely remembered last night, and was woken up to be naked in the same bed with the person he hated for two years now. He had to give the guy a little space.

“Oh my g-” Dan couldn’t even finish his sentence, before covering his entire face with his hands. the duvet flopped down over his waist, but was still half on the bed, over Phil. Dan wasn’t a monster, so he left it.

Phil too had his defense mechanisms, his just wasn’t as effective as Dan’s. He hid his emotions through flirting, being an asshole, basically turning into someone he isn’t. It was a barrier that very few people had broken down, but unfortunately for Dan, they built back up for him, without a realization he’d even torn them down.

Last night, Phil didn’t even know how he convinced Dan to sleep with him, because any time Phil tried to get Dan’s attention, he’d get shot down. Fuck, he wasn’t even personally invited to this party, like everyone else was. (Phil had no idea how Dan had talked to so many people to invite them to a party, because usually the entire class, plus more showed.)

“Dan, let me-” Phil began, but was interrupted by a sudden jolt, seeing the boy that was in his arms not ten hours ago, hide under the duvet.

“Just get your clothes and go.”

His beautiful voice, in Phil’s opinion, was muffled by the thick fabric separating the oxygen into two. He could never have Dan like this again anytime soon, but had to respect his wishes. Phil rolled off the bed, sliding on a pair of boxers, followed by his jeans. He didn’t want to waste too much time, as the embarrassment of the situation was worsening by the second.

Dan heard the door slam shut, and took it as the all clear. Well, not really. Nothing was cleared but his room. His mind had no source of ever being the crystal form of relaxation ever again, even if he only had that at rare times.

He had just broken every single rule in his book. That is, he only had one rule, (never fall for Phil again) but he seemed to be having trouble with that. You may be thinking that two years must have been enough time for these two to recover, and get over the bridge of heartbreak, but their connection was so special, Dan thought about it all the time. Sure, Dan had dated a few guys since, but they all just seemed to be short, no longer than two month, flings. Phil was no different, the only thing keeping him out of this category is the fact that Dan and Phil were never dating. Phil was never Dan’s, and Dan was never Phil’s. Yet, it seemed to be the opposite at the time.

The time Dan and Phil became a thing, Dan had just turned sixteen, and Phil brought him on a date as a birthday present. They’d been talking quite a bit before, but Phil thought this would be his big break with Dan. He was head over heels for the curly brunet, and only wanted him to be happy. He truly was the diamond in the rough in Phil’s eyes.

He hadn’t kissed Dan until three weeks into the summer, when his dad finally let him borrow the truck. There was a scheduled shooting star shower happening that night, and it was the perfect setting to finally feel Dan’s lips against his own. Phil thinks about that moment every night, to this day. The electricity shared between the two could have lit up a city. And if I’m honest, things may have gotten heated, but Phil never pushed Dan. He was younger, and barely sixteen, and Phil was like, the third person to commit to him. (Dan doesn’t consider the other two important because he was so young.)

Phil regrets every decision he made by the end of that holiday, however. His friends hated that he was spending too much time on a boy that wouldn’t last, so he kicked Dan to the curb. Rumors spread, and that was it. Yes, he did find it funny that Dan hated him, but there was always apart of him that wanted to prove to Dan that he wasn’t the piece of shit Dan had mad him out to be.

Dan kicked himself, for he didn’t even remember the feeling of the touch of Phil’s lips against his own last night, Even though he didn’t plan on going back to Phil, he wouldn’t trade what they had for the world. Maybe he needed a reminder, how he felt with him, even if those feelings are no longer adamant.

But for god’s sake, he fucking slept with Phil. He’d done something that his sixteen year old fantasies were based upon, and he barely remembers it.

Dan threw his duvet back up onto his bed, walking over to the closet that held his clothing. He felt the same as he did two years ago. Betrayed. Used. Desperate. Feelings he hasn’t felt with anyone else, and he gets so drunk on it. The taste is so bitter, yet so addictive.

Pulling up a pair of sweat pants, Dan thought he’d kick everyone out now, so he’d have the house to himself. He didn’t want to deal with his feelings, but pushing them away would only make then blow up in his face later on. He didn’t bother with a shirt, nor boxers, but it’s not like he wasn’t going to try and scrub off all of his shame in the shower in ten minutes.

The minute Dan opened the door out of his bedroom, he regret every substance he allowed into his house. Because not only was there a pungent scent of alcohol lingering in the air, he could smell the weed that people decided to smoke in the living room, which meant he had to wash the fabric until it was gone. Fuck.

Dan wasn’t really one to say no at parties, but everyone knew they had to at least ask. For example, the first time somebody brought alcohol, they asked Dan if he’d allow it, because it was his house after all. Until it caught on that yes, Dan wants you to bring all the alcohol your heart desires. Other questions consisted of if body shots were allowed, stripping, cigarettes, and now, I guess, marijuana. He doesn’t remember denying the question of weed, so he must have taken a drag last night. Usually he’d be against the whole ‘drug use’ thing, but when he’s drunk, his decisions can be unpredictable. Hence, the fact that he slept with Phil.

There wasn’t as many people sleeping on his floor as he expected, making his job much easier to complete. He stepped up onto his coffee table, bringing his hands to cup around his mouth.

“Everyone out!” He yelled. “My parents are on their way!”

And yeah, he may have been lying, because his parents both traveled for a living, so he still had four days until they’d be home. It was the best solution to get people to wake up, and scatter. People thanked Dan as they headed out the door, a thanks for an amazing night and a night to remember, a party that can only be topped by the final one. He put on his most believable smile, giving brief, friendly hugs to the last of the fish in the sea that was his own home last night.

The door clicked shut, and Dan immediately fell against the wall. His back slid down to the floor, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, as if he was protecting his heart from shattering, which, in some ways, he was. It took Dan so long to accept that Phil chose his friends over him, that now, it just felt like Phil was hurting him on purpose. He was slowly shattering into millions of pieces of heart break, all over again.

Dan felt sixteen again, going through the same process of regret, and hurt, all starting with shame.

He was really glad that last night was not the night he lost his virginity, because that would have made this situation even worse. Even though, that guy wasn’t all that great either.

His name was Henry, and he was the person to comfort Dan in his mourning over Phil. And, Dan was brainwashed, thinking that some guys are better than the one he fell for, gave him everything he had, but not four weeks later, did the end things. Dan thought he was doomed ever finding any sort of real love. Because even though Dan had Phil for a few short months, he still felt something more than just attraction.

He wished he remembered last night, to feel how Phil touched him, kissed him, felt him. How they connected in a way that they’ve never before, but both under the influence of alcohol running through their veins, making decisions for them before their minds could interfere with all the consequences that would follow.

Dan just felt like crying, because all of his feelings for the boy who had taken him for granted were flooding back like tidal waves, and if he just hadn’t fucking slept with him everything would have been fine, you dumbass, I can’t believe you-

He dragged his feet back up the carpeted stairs, just enough to turn the tap on his shower. Dan hadn’t quite seen himself that morning yet, so the surprise bruises scattered around his neck was quite the scare he saw in the mirror.

Hickeys were never something Dan liked, his neck was too sensitive for him to allow people near it, but well, Phil was an exception, he guessed. The marks were deep purple, fading into a red, then his skin tone. They were fucking dark. And they went from his neck, around his collar bones, to his V-line. The thought of having Phil’s mouth all over him made his skin crawl, and shiver. When he was sixteen, he dreamed of Phil’s mouth all over him, and now, after it happened, he only wanted more.

Phil was always so talented with everything he did, especially kissing, Dan decided. His plump lips were always so smooth against Dan’s, and the one time he actually moved to Dan’s neck, he never left a mark. Now, his neck is sensitive, and his actual skin is no different. He was so surprised when Phil pulled back, leaving no evidence that he was even there. And god, did Dan want proof Phil actually kissed his neck.

Looking at himself in the mirror now, was like a dream. This was his past self’s goal in life, to be marked up, claimed by Phil Lester himself. Dan had a sudden urge for more, to be covered in hickeys that Phil would have to suck and bite him to leave. Every sad emotion he was having before just turned- dirty. He wanted Phil to come back over, and have sex so they have something to remember by. It could be his teenage hormones, or it could be his crazy talking, but we all know it was both.

It would have been so easy to just ring him back over, logistically, but Dan had literally kicked Phil out earlier, so he wouldn’t be surprised if Phil hated his guts now. Could he blame him though?

Suddenly, after two years of telling himself no, Dan was saying go for it, despite his rule. Because maybe this was his shot again. Maybe Phil wasn’t an asshole, and had actual reasons to break up with Liz and every other person to ever date him ever, maybe Dan was different.

All this hype, and confidence, made Dan take the fastest shower he’s ever taken, because ohmigod he was actually going to do this, he was going to make the first move, he was going to invite Phil back over-

He was going to get Phil back.

Just the though made the sixteen-year-old Dan squeal, and tap his toes on the floor out of impatience. He denied his feelings for Phil every day, and suddenly, his entire path changed. It took a complete 180, because he went from hating Phil with every drop of blood in his body, to trying to get him back.

Even if it ended up only being sex.

Dan couldn’t stop staring at himself in the mirror. The marks on his skin, he knew, would turn into some type of drug for him. He loved it. He wanted to look like this all the time. The feeling of being claimed really turned him on, which was, apparently, a kink he had discovered this morning. But it wasn’t just being marked up, and claimed, he wanted it to be done by Phil.

A simple, comfortable outfit, would have to do for Dan, because, if Phil were to come over, he would need something easy to take off. Joggers and a t-shirt was the best he could do. And as Dan lunged for his bedside table to text Phil, tell him to come back over, he was notified that well, Phil had beat him to it. There were two notifications waiting to be read on his lock screen, both next to the simple name, of just Phil, no emoji, or anything to mark him as someone special.

Dan- sorry for last night, i understand if you need some space, but i really need to talk to you

text me if you decide you want to, i guess

Dan’s heart sank like a rock being thrown into the ocean, floating all the way to the bottom before being engulfed by the murky water, making the ocean floor not visible. Dan could’t just invite Phil over now, I mean, it hasn’t been forty minutes since Phil has left, and now things would be awkward, especially since Phil needed to apologize face to face, Dan thought that had to be the reason.

Then the memory of Liz, having her heart ripped out, and thrown in the garbage, right next to her v-card, by Phil was drawn back into his mind. Liz, who cried for months over Phil, probably never got an apology. What Phil did to Liz, was probably going to happen to Dan, for the second time.

The urge he had for Phil still remained, however. So Dan did what any person would do, wait it out.

Phil, on the other hand, was also freaking out. He too, still had feelings for Dan, obviously, and he doesn’t even know how he finally convinced Dan to give him a chance. He thought that after they reconnected, (literally, in this case,) he wouldn’t feel guilty, and everything would be great, and Dan wouldn’t hate him any more than he already did.

Except not really, they were both drunk and happen to hook up. It wasn’t really Dan giving him another chance, but more so, not saying no.

Phil could see it now, the broken pieces were coming together, but only if he doesn’t fuck up like he did again.

Phil scrambled for his phone, as he had left every conversation on do not disturb, except for the only person he cared to talk to, and his phone had finally chimed for the first time in two weeks. And it was exactly who he wanted. His beautiful diamond had finally shined over the sand again, and his was so grateful. Phil couldn’t get Dan off of his mind, because unlike Dan, Phil actually remembered that night with Dan more as time went on. And god, did he want Dan like that again.

He remembered having Dan all laid out in front of his, and he only wanted to kiss him, mark him, because he knew Dan loved it. After two years of trying to get him back, (well, trying to get him to go out, but he was never good at expressing that, as in, he attempts to make Dan jealous) this could finally be it for him. Phil wanted to kiss Dan like he did when they were sixteen.

He wanted to go back to that summer and change his decisions, so maybe he could have had Dan for as long as he wanted. Because even though Phil dated a few people, he never liked them, and appreciated them, as much as Dan. And they were purely to try and get Dan’s attention back on Phil. It never really worked.

“Hello?” Phil slid the screen so fast, it may have seemed desperate to Dan, with how quickly he answered.

“uh, hi, Phil. Look, I’m really sorry about kicking you out the other day, I was overwhelmed and I didn’t know what else to-”

Phil interrupted the sweet voice he had fallen in love with, even though he didn’t want to cut his time short from hearing it. “It’s okay, Dan, I came on too strong, and it was your house, you had the right to do it.” Phil exhaled. He seemed to talk faster and faster as his sentences dragged. Phil could hear Dan’s voice stutter, as if he was about to laugh, but held it back.

“In the text you sent me, um, you said you needed to, um, talk?” Dan could barely spit out his words. This moment had him so anxious these past two weeks, he basically forced his hand to hit the call button. And even then, he nearly hung up immediately.

Phil’s eyes lit up, because Dan actually remembered, but Phil didn’t. He couldn’t for the life of him remember what he needed to tell Dan. Of course, he could go with the plain obvious, and just fucking say how hopelessly head over heals he was for Dan, but there was something more, something that was perching on the tip of his tongue, but couldn’t quite spit out.

“Phil? If you don’t have anything to say, then I should probably-”

“Wait, sorry, just, uh, can we, um, meet?” Phil stumbled. He got onto his knees to attempt to search for his shoes under his bead, eventually pulling out the worn black converse. He held the phone between his cheek and shoulder as he awaited a reply.

“Like, now?”

“Um, yeah? If that’s okay?” Phil laced up his shoes, and shrugged on a light jacket- the England weather had turned quite shit, with rain being the most common in their area, oppose from the lovely sunshine they had a little bit ago.

“I don’t know, Phil, I-”

Yeah, two weeks ago Dan was literally ready to have Phil back, but he was glad he gave himself time to think. Because maybe he didn’t want his fucking heart broken again, by the same person that ripped into pieces in the first place. He couldn’t make it that easy for Phil to just waltz back into his life.

“Please? I can be quick, i just don’t want to do this on the phone.” Phil took a deep breath, about to walk out the front door of his house, still not remembering what he had to say to Dan.

“Fine.”

Phil cut the call, running out to his car, and speeding to get to Dan’s house.

Dan hadn’t been to keen on letting Phil come over again, but he needed closure, and if having a cup of tea in the awkward silence of his living room meant closure, then so be it. The marks on his neck had faded drastically, but you could still see the ghosting of where there was one before. That wasn’t fun explaining to his parents.

He really just wanted to take back everything that happened at the party, because it brought up old feelings that he really didn’t want anymore. Dan sighed, running a hand through his hair. What was Phil Lester doing to him?

Dan had his music on the speaker in the leaving room, trying to calm his nerves as he waited for Phil to arrive. And all that was running through his mind was ohmygodwhy on repeat, but it was too late for him to cancel. He didn’t even know what to expect from Phil this time, if he was looking to just hook up again, or if he was going to apologize, he had no idea.

Dan tried to distract himself, counting the freckles going up and down his arms, rearranging the cushions on the couch, changing his outfit for the billionth time, he just had to keep himself busy.

Dan was feeling so anxious over this, he couldn’t stay still, so when he heard the doorbell, his jitters intensified, and he could barely walk to the door without stumbling. He yanked the door open and it looked like Phil was in the same state of him.

He was wearing all black, and god, did he look so hot, in that form fitting t-shirt, and when he saw Dan, his smile was just so- calming, knowing that yeah, this is Phil. This is the Phil that he care for so deeply two years ago, he was standing right in front of him.The eye contact they shared, it made Dan feel like they were sixteen, both with very awful taste in clothing, inexperienced, and much shorter.

Dan had forgotten how much Phil actually meant to him, as all he did was suppress the pain he went through when Phil left him.The only reason he didn’t grab Phil’s face, and kiss the life out of him, is the fact that Phil came here to talk.

“Dan, I-” Phil started, but Dan flung the door open, letting him in. He didn’t want Phil to talk while standing outside, because A) its rude, and B) he didn’t want Phil to just be in and out.

Phil smiled, walking in, letting Dan lead them to the couch. “Do you want some tea, or anything?” Dan asked, procrastinating this talk even more. Phil chuckled, grabbing Dan’s hands, and pulling him down onto the couch. Dan took a deep breath, trying to relax himself. It was just Phil.

And that thought scared him.

Even though he was looking at the Phil he fell for, two years ago, he couldn’t forget about all of the awful things he had done in the time between now, and when they broke off. He just wanted his Phil back.

“Dan, I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us,” Phil started. Dan sat on one of his leg, so he could face Phil better. He sighed, running a hand through his curly hair.

“It was a mistake, Phil. We were both drunk, and our bodies did things before our minds could inter-”

“I wasn’t really talking about that. I meant, um, two years ago.” Phil gave a small smile, and Dan’s face fell.

Dan didn’t really like talking about him and Phil a whole lot, he didn’t want to remember what he felt for Phil, so his solution was to just not say anything about it with people. He hated remembering how happy Phil made him, because it only made him feel responsible for all the shitty feelings people had when with Phil, even though he had no reason to feel that way.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I just, I couldn’t stop thinking about you after I made the clearly wrong decision. You were always on my mind, everything I saw reminded me of you, and it was like anything just screamed ‘Dan Howell’ to me, and it honestly was destroying me.“But I couldn’t just go back to you, no, my fucking choice was to try and make you fucking jealous, and end up hurting you more, and I was hurting others because I just, it didn’t feel the same.

“Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the fact that you hated me. I have no idea why, it was just, I don’t know, I found it so hot that you didn’t like me, or some god awful reason, and it was like a challenge for me to win you back.” Dan’s frown was slowly turning into a smile.

Phil wasn’t even looking at him as he spoke, but his hands were moving all around, expressing so much passion into this conversation as he rambled. Dan couldn’t believe that this was all about him, Phil was talking from his heart, and he was falling for him all over again.

“And I thought I was over you, I really did, but when you started dating someone, it would make my skin crawl.” Phil laughing slightly when Dan did, and Dan moved a little closer to Phil, laying his arm across the back on the couch, as if he had his arm around Phil, without touching him. “I couldn’t even imagine somebody holding you under the stars like we used to do, because I was supposed to be the person doing that. I was supposed to be the person holding your hand in the car as Muse blasted through the speakers, I was supposed to be the person running my fingers through your hair when you were stressed, and couldn’t deal with anything else. I hated the fact that I had taken the connection we had for granted.”

Dan blushed, looking away from Phil. His words were magic, and he could tell Phil had thought about this a lot. Phil grabbed Dan’s hand, bringing his attention back to him. And Dan let Phil hold his hand, something that Phil thought he would never be able to do again. His slightly calloused fingers slotted perfectly into his, and he swore he felt sparks when they touched.

“And then we fucking slept together. We slept together, Dan! I barely remember anything, but I knew I had convinced you, I had kissed you, and I hate myself for it, because I didn’t have the guts to tell you how much I fucking like you sober. Because I do, god, I do. And I just, I’ve wanted you back since that summer. Since our summer had ended.” Phil had moved himself so they were almost on top of each other. Dan’s mind was racing, everything he had just said made him want to cry. Nobody had ever spoken about him that way, and the feeling was so indescribable.

They sat there, remaining eye contact with one another, hand in hand, processing the feeling just exchanged, and Dan did it. He launched forward, smashing his lips against Phil’s, nearly knocking him over. Phil responded immediately, letting go of Dan’s hand, and bringing them to his back. Dan brought his hands around Phil’s neck, and pushed him, so he was laying on top of Phil.

Both of them laughed, when they separated for air, bumping their noses together. Phil leaned back up, pressing their lips together. They had forgotten how amazing their kissing was, electricity was flowing through their bodies, sparks were flying, because fucking finally, they realized hoe meant for each other they were. Their lips moved together as if it were natural, like they were made to do this together.

“Are you sure it’s tonight?” Phil asked, he hugged his hoodie closer, as Dan practically dragged him to the pickup truck in Phil’s driveway. Dan rolled his eyes, throwing the blankets into the flatbed.

“I promise. Now c’mon, I don’t want to miss it.” Dan threw the keys at Phil, who caught them with surprise.

Today was the day Dan was supposed to throw the last party of sixth form. Everything was planned as well, Dan’s parents were out of town, again, Phil had helped spread the word, and they had a shit ton of food. But when Dan found out about the meteor shower happening, he dropped the party like a hot cake, and was dragging Phil out to the county at eleven p.m.

They were relaxing on the couch, with Dan’s head in Phil’s lap. Dan was paying attention to the anime on the telly, but Phil had his eyes on the iPhone game, while the other hand played with the curly locks of the boy he loved, when Dan suddenly sprang up, remembering the exact reason he had cancelled his party that night, why they were at Phil’s house instead of Dan’s, and dragged Phil out the front door, leaving the warmth behind, and entering the bite of the cold outdoors, even though it was June

Phil didn’t mind though. The only thing he cared about was the beautiful diamond that he had to hold in his arms tonight, because he finally collected all the pieces he had lost. It was nice to call Dan his after so long of a disconnection, he’d do anything for his Dan. And if that meant going out to sit in the middle of nowhere to see shooting stars that probably won’t be very visible, then he’d damn well do it. He’d do it just to see the little crinkles in Dan’s face when he smiled, the sparkle in his eyes when he’d finally see what he was looking for, or the way he’d get jumpy, and excited during times leading up to plans. It was Phil’s favorite.

As Phil drove, he realized that he lived for these moments with Dan, he couldn’t imagine his life without Dan by his side anymore. All his future plans revolved around him,(but Dan didn’t know that) Dan was the actual reason of his existence. Just the thought of not waking up in the morning and not having his usual ‘good morning, love’ text from Dan made his face fall.

Phil really didn’t know what he was missing out on during their two year gap.

But all that mattered now, was that he was heading out to go watch the stars with his favorite person on the planet, and he couldn’t have been more happy to say that.

//hello hi this is the end. I really tried w this one, but i didn’t like the end result as much as i hoped, sorry the quality went to shit after the first bit lol. tanks for reeading :) also the theme didnt really keep up but its whatever im sorryyyyyy

#phanfiction #phan fiction #phan fluff #phan smut #phan angst #dan and phil fanfiction #fanfiction #phan oneshot #metricanxietyfics

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