#i've done some embarassing things socially but i've never done that

[chipped-chimera]

So, I'm a Lesbian I guess.

So uh, life update. I came out to my Mum, so I figured I'd do so here too.

I've done a bunch of self reflection, healing. I reached out to my ex and we had a good conversation and I think that just made everything even clearer for me.

So yeah, this is me saying I'm not bisexual. I'm lesbian. And I probably always was.

More context below the cut if you want it (it's long). But anyway, here's to finally feeling like I'm finding the real 'me' in all this rubble.

❤️🧡🤍💖💜

I thought I was bisexual for ages. The fact I even got to think that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my ex, who identified that way and I felt in a safe enough environment to express it. In the past two months I went through some self reflection, and talked to my ex for the first time in 2 years. It was good, and it's too complicated to explain easily but at least on my end I was getting a double dosage of the comphet juice between just regular expectations and the undiagnosed autism (also jesus christ, being a teenager in 2005-2010 that environment was just fucked up for anyone who might be trying to come to terms with not being straight). Kids in my school were more accepting, but also in the same breath using 'Gay' as an insult).

We were both undiagnosed neurodiverse people and maybe it was just the first time we'd encountered someone who just actually understood for once. Who saw who we were and were okay with that. The 10 year relationship, put in that context makes a lot of sense. So I don't blame him for how it ended. If anything I thanked him for breaking it off, because I was in such a goddamn state after being used by the Australian government (see Robodebt) there was no way in hell I had the mental tools or even brain space to realise anything about myself because I was too busy just trying to fucking survive. I would have lived and died in that relationship simply because at least it was safe, and stable. But it wasn't genuine.

Past two years since that relationship ended were fucking rough. For most of this year I kind of just turned into myself I guess, but I was letting it happen because after finding out about the high comorbidity of chronic health conditions with Autism and how it's likely related to long-term compound stress from masking for so long, I really asked myself when was the last time I just let myself 'rest'? Didn't do anything I didn't want to do or feel compelled to do because of some social contract or guilt?

I couldn't come up with an answer.

So I rested. And I think that's basically given me the strength now to finally 'wake up'. I dunno. That's how it feels. I only recently noticed my thoughts about women were structurally very different than the ones about men (and yeah it's goddamn fuckin' embarassing to say but uh thanks Larian specifically for giving me a female love interest tailored to my exact preference which FINALLY connected some dusty neuron in the back of my head or something. It was Karlach. MY GODDAMN GAY AWAKENING WAS KARLACH, ffs) and the more I examined it, the more everything became clear. I was hesitant to remove the bi label from myself, wondering if this was just a really extreme 'bi-cycle' swing but the more and more I thought about it, went through memories in my life, how I could never see myself with someone else it was always characters together and really it was the relationship and intimacy between them, regardless of gender that I was appreciating.

I thought I was grey ace but after going 'huh these thoughts are kind of different' and realising that yeah, I could imagine myself with a woman - it wasn't some weird other shit I'd told myself like it was just visceral self hatred or something, placing myself with a guy it was literally I did not want to be with a guy - it became obvious. So fucking, embarrassingly obvious.

I'm not sure where things will go from here. I am incredibly socially isolated in real life. My best friend is my Mum. I don't have a social circle at all outside of online spaces. I'm 30 and that's a fucking weird age to be thrown out into the world essentially experiencing goddamn delayed idk mental puberty because you suppressed it that hard. I haven't used a dating app in my LIFE. I'm still kind of scared of being hurt by others and I'm aware it's not entirely logical, but I just feel fragile. I'm also still picking up the pieces of my life.

I've confirmed a C-PTSD diagnosis with my psychologist, which explains why all the CBT tools I'd learned over the years just stopped working (CBT doesn't always gel well with PTSD or Autism) so that's probably going to inform treatment going forward. My intense fatigue issues are probably caused by having to carry all this fucking trauma and suppression of myself. As I said to my Mum, it's like I'm just 'Tired from being alive' at this point. I'm really, really fucking hoping it's not Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. The new medication I'm on seems to be keeping me going past the 4hr mark though, so we might be onto the right medication mix (I do not appreciate the 7:30pm crash, like clockwork, where instead of feeling unfocused and tired like before I now feel jacked up as hell like I'm waiting for someone to punch me however :V)

I don't know where this is going. Or where I'm going. All I know is 'I'm going'. When the breakup first happened, when I hauled myself out of the Mental Health ward and back to my parents home where I had to figure out what the fuck to do after any kind of certainty of my future had been completely obliterated - I saw a lot of snakes. I'm kind of vaugely pagan, if I'm honest. I don't know how to put it. I am very scientific but I also don't think we know all the answers.

My ancestors were likely heavily Celtic, likely some Viking and Pictish influence as both family lines go back to Scotland and Ireland. I know through my reading that natural signs were important to them, so I start noticing when I see multiple occurrences, especially in odd places (I'll be real, I just remembered earlier in this relationship when I was more into pagan shit I saw a lot of Moths. Yeah. Yeah I feel like smashing my face into my desk about that. No I never figured it out then EITHER). I know quite a few things about snakes. Snakes are an animal that is both used as a symbol for medicine, but also classed as 'evil', especially in the modern christian context.

They are considered symbols of rejuvenation, of immortality, much like the Phoenix, they are constantly reborn through the shedding of their skin. Shedding is critical to a snake, because if it does not shed it's skin, it will die. This is a legitimate concern for zookeepers with snakes that have scars - they often struggle to shed completely, and they have to soak the snake's skin in water so they can cast off the skin.

So it's shed or die.

I have struggled to let go of things. Of everything that was done to me, but I knew it had to be let go. And today I have shed a lot of that shit. I am crying on and off but this is probably the first time it's easy. It's not physically painful, like knives in my throat, or something I have to shove down and keep contained for fear of being rejected. It's happy crying.

Because that skin being shed - it wasn't mine either. I needed rest, I needed to soak in that goddamn water dish so I could get through all the scar tissue. So it's probably the strongest image I have in my mind of everything. Of who I am. My entire life.

If you're going through difficult shit in life, all I can say is - you're strong. You're strong as fuck. Strength isn't being able to get into a physical fight, or being super confident around people - it's enduring life and the chaos thrown at you. It's being able to be broken down and rebuild, just like the snake casts off skin for their new selves. You will endure things and be stronger for it, than those who have lived all their lives without any pain whatsoever.

But it could be better, I know. It doesn't justify the pain. But please listen to yourself. Listen to your body. If you need to be selfish? Be fucking selfish! Don't want to do that thing? Don't do it! If you know it is costing you, if it is adding to that scar tissue - stop. Take the time you need to reset, to regain your breath. Ask yourself who you are doing this for. Ask what skin you are wearing and whether that is something you want to keep. Shed it. Let go.

It will hurt, but this is just the beginning. Change feels like a broken bone. But it will heal.

#kerytalk #lesbian #lgbtq+ #sorry this got real long and kind of spiritual at the end but yeah #this is I guess the culmination of 30 years of my life and a lot of pain #uh yeah that spn tattoo I provided was taken directly from that idea bank for my own tatt because I felt it fit #and it's a good message to carry I think

[myrskytuuli]

please do share your thoughts on small talk 👀

I just feel like people get weirdly smug about "not doing small talk" Yes, there are wild differences between cultures about where and when small talk is expected. I hated the "how are yous" from cashiers of uk and usa, because they are not expected in my culture. But if I want to get to know a new person, or navigate unexpected social situations, now matter where I am, it just has to be done through small talk. It's just a necessary component of how human interaction works.

And yes, many people are bad at this. Being bad at small talk is fine, but trying to jump over it straight to the "good parts" usually always makes things worse. Small talk very much has a purpose, and its social calibration to scope out the feel of the person. What kind mood are they in? What kind of energy levels they are at? Where the conversation veers from there depends a lot from what you suss out during the lighter small talk topics. If someone is already tired or sad or melancholy, I would not want to bring up depressing existential topics, while a more energetic and positive tone gives me a green light to veer the conversation to more silly topics. A little bit of small talk when you approach a new peron you don't know that well can save you from very unplasant moments of saying something completely tone deaf and embarassing. It's also that if you approach a new person with a really heavy conversational topic already locked and loaded, they might feel trapped by it. It's easy to just casually slide out of small talk, if you don't want to talk to someone, but if that someone has started the conversation with "do you believe in free will" or "let me tell you about the life-cycle of the hummingbird" it is difficult to just leave without looking like a dick. That's why I would never be brave enough to jump over small talk when starting a conversation, because I'm terrified that I've locked someone into listenign to my infodumb against their will. I feel much more comfrotable sequieing from meanigless chatter about the weather into more spesific topics after I've gotten a bit of read on how the other person is responding to me.

Also, and this is just my own experience speaking, but I do feel like people who are loudly proud about being above small talk have the tendency to think that everything they say is deep and meaningful and everythign you say is shallow and meaningless. I think most people who have attended house parties have at some point met this person. The one who loudly proclaims that the world would be a better place if we all just discussed philosophy more, and then goes on a two hour monologue about their last breakup with full confidence that this is a philosophical discussion instead of a onesided ramble. And don't even get me started on all the tinder profiles with no other text expect "don't approach me with a hello, say something interesting or gtfo" Like, call me a boring normie, but I don't want to start every interaction with coming up with a new and clever quip that's measured as the only indicator on whether any conversation should be even started.

And if you are locked in a situationship with total strangers, I don't want to hear about their hobbies or philosophies. I want to hear friendly noises, that assure me that we all feel friendly towards each other, despite being stuck in an elevator. Just meaningless chatter that tells me that no one here is about to throw a random temper tantrum, while we wait to be let out.

And sometimes I just want to lightly chatter with my loved ones, even if we have nothign of really importance to say, to just exchange some idle gossip or telling about mundane things that have happened, just for the pleasure of getting to hear the voice.

I used to be firmly in the camp "I hate small talk, it's dumb" untill I met too many obnoxious people who have made it a weird point of pride to be condescending towards other people who are just trying to navigate social interactions in a completely logical way. Nobody needs to be good at small talk, or even enjoy it, but in my opinion overenthusiastic small talkers are much more preferable to the cynic who doesn't waste time with small talk.

#anon ask #personal opinions

[renardtrickster]

hey!! due to possible embarassment im going anonymous so i dont out myself as the most borderline obsessive ruby/nan quest fan out there

but have you ever had a phase where youve tried to coax your friends/mutuals in an attempt to fill up the empty community while also commissioning related content in some desire to experience something new cause not a lot of people make new stuff for rq and nq anymore graah

Sorry for letting this one sit for a few weeks, my laptop still isn't fixed yet. Also this is THE place to be extremely borderline obsessive about stuff, even though claiming to be "the biggest RQ fan" means you now have to fistfight me for rights to the title.

I've definitely "coaxed", but in more of the passive "hey look at this cool thing" and talking about it semi-frequently in "talk about media you like" spaces and stuff. Which has been semi-successful, everyone I chat with at least knows about those quests and has prolly read them. And I don't think I've ever tried to commission anything unfortunately.

Also yeah, I know what you mean in terms of not a lot of stuff happening. Which I imagine is for a couple of reasons.

RQ ended roughly 15 years ago, and NQ 9 years ago, so we're a bit (fashionably) late to when it was active.

Speaking of activity, being heavily interactive and mystery-themed, the blood would be pumping most when people were still asking questions, finding answers, and Doing Stuff. Some questions are still open to ask about, and things to talk about, and excitement for Really Good Media never dies, but still.

Adding onto THAT, the majority of the activity for both were on 4chan and questden, neither of them traditional or very well known forms of social media (except the former, but it's not "popular"), and neither very conducive to long-term content or "fandom".

And finally, "quests" have always been niche to my understanding, so a specific quest would be twice-over.

It's a lot of numbers but the math still adds up to "not that much activity". Or at the very least it's occasional. Still cool as hell when it pops up. Regardless, my preferred coping mechanism is in Adjacency. Weaver's done other quests, and Dive Quest is still ongoing (it's being updated right now as I type). He's also done other non-quest work, like Boxdog or Pack Street or whathaveyou (all really good). And there's also a lot of other good quests on questden made by other creators. Re-reading DiveQuest, I suddenly remembered Knight Blades was meant to be an official story running in parallel, and while I somehow did not yet read Knight Blades specifically yet (super Getting Distracted powers GO), I did go through Reaver's other catalogue of works, which has been an interesting and somewhat tumultous experience.

And regardless of anything, we still have some of the OG shooters running around. fyeahrubyandnanquest was active as late as 2021 (and still has stuff I haven't seen or reblogged yet), and I don't know if you've ever heard of them (;D) but someone called rubysvn has a fansite up with all sorts of goodies like an old RQ remake, information on lost media, and so on. So it's definitely a low energy sort of fandom, but nowhere near a dead one.

#oh no renardie is posting #ask and receive #long post #this was a bit rambly but i have been thinking about this exact thing

[lawlznet]

State of the Channel Address:

I've missed this entire week so far in part because I've had so much accumulated crap to do from months of avoidance behavior, and I can't bring myself to get on late just to do a half assed show for a couple hours before disconnecting with all the grace of a fart.

I know that the opposite end of "waiting until you can do everything perfectly" is potentially, never streaming again, but honestly? Is it really that much better having a VOD archive full of embarassment?

Look, I haven't even found the time to edit out potential dox from an old vod, which is why there have been no new updates on youtube aside from the occasional short in over a month. Don't even get me started on the mental emotional landscape.

Turning to social media and filling your profile with retweets and retoots and getting involved in drama that's almost certainly beyond you is a coping mechanism. Hell it's probably how some former vtubers degrade into vtweeters over time, getting stuck in this hell of forever shoving things under the bed.

So what's to be done with this?

Well I'd jokingly say "time to touch grass" here but I never stopped my diet and exercise regimen. Cosplaying May was a proof of concept that it was possible to get fit from sheer desire to become a Femboy alone, and that journey hasn't ended.

I've also swallowed my pride and hooked up for some new vtuber collabs, soon(tm). Also I have no idea why I didn't stream the previous ones. These WILL be streamed.

And though I've teased it before, I intend to continue the spoopy ARG stuff sometime in November, perhaps with social media blitzing the week of my anniversary (October 31st to November 5th). I don't know what form it will take and frankly there remains the possibility that all of my current active socmed accounts (the ones you're reading this from) somehow die before that can happen, from Elongated Muskrat making yet another dumbass move, Fediverse eating itself into an ouroboros, or Tumblr conducting another Purge, but given how the last one was *also* a caffeinated dream splurge of using up free time at work and fueling my in-character tweets with out of character madness?

I'm sure it will be A-okay!

Even if that all fails somehow, the crowning event of all of that socmed hoopla is meant to be a Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition live play that i'm hoping to run in December, the first I will have run in years. I have three months to prepare the campaign and in the weeks leading up to it i'm hoping to slowwwwwwlly send out invites to people who might be interested in joining. It is sure to be a mess, insofar as trying to run online several session long TTRPG's while balancing meatworld and vtuber world responsibilities, but sometimes you have to kick bad expectations to the curb and just try and do shit anyway. All I have to spend is time and while everything from employment to online presence is uncertain, at the end of the day...

...so what?

Yeah I could trash all these plans and simplify things and be as mundane as possible trying to force things to "work" as they did for the past two years. Because there might not be a December because any number of things could happen before then.

But so fucking what? Tomorrow I could die, the next week a tragedy or three happens and then all of this will be the last thing on my mind. I could also try to limp along and get back to "normal" because its safe and I totally loved looking back at a whole bunch of mediocre and embarassing archives where a clearly disinterested and half asleep femboy tells themself that they're entertaining.

Stop it. This isn't my primary job (thank god) and nobody is forcing me to keep up this song and dance to a made up metronome and an imaginary conductor, so why do I feel the need to force half baked, half assed content online only to excortiate myself afterward? Does that make any fucking sense? No? Why would it?

Why do something you don't love? Why do something that only makes you hate yourself if you're not even being PAID for it?

You look at what you've "accomplished" in the meanwhile, frittering away time everywhere but your passions while lamenting not finding time for your passions and you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore.

Go big or go home.

...So yeah i'll also be working on an in-character youtube project with another vtuber friend! The details of which need to be-

-hashed out but it'll be an excitingly different experience all around! It's been forever since i've done any recorded acting, voice over or otherwise, and i'm not entirely sure what to expect. You can bet that there will be #lulzlore involved and yes, it'll be canon. That's going to be sometime in November once again, schedule and a messy timeline notwithstanding.

On the short term it'd be nice if I could stream regularly again. As in, you can reliably tune in at 2100 CST and expect to at least see my loading screen running instead of randomly getting a twitch email notif at like 2236 which lasts for like an hour because Lulz literally (note: not lirerally) dies on stream.

You know what would also be nice? How about not having to pack up and switch fucking social media platforms every few months? Gee fucking willickers wouldn't that just be BEAUTIFUL.

As beautiful as you reading this. <3

Anyway if you've read this far you're a trooper and Thank You For Playing. See you next time when one of these rants is less stream of consciousness and doesn't disseminate the point in between sporadic bouts of insanity.

See ya!

#vtuber #envtuber #vent #theabsolutestateofthisnation #lulzlore #lawler hix #lulztime

[conceptsformyowner]

PTJ1: New rules, the toy nook, 9 hours with my head wrapped, and a very long 16 hours in misery.

2022-06-18 Public Toy Journal 1

This week, I introduce you to this format, I enumerate my harsh new rules, and I narrate a few sessions we've had in the last few weeks. Enjoy!

Last week, my Owner and I had our monthly renegotiation, and we agreed upon a few new rules. Here's a rough runthrough of the new ones, although later I want to add my updated rules list to the pinned post along with an index of all concepts and journal entries.

Toy must, if possible time-wise, always ask its Owner for permission whenever other people ask it to make a decision. Its Owner mighy allow the toy to make a decision, or might choose in their stead.

Toy must, if possible consent-wise, always refer to its Owner as "my Owner", and never by name or any other title or label.

Once a week, toy will be forbidden from consuming flavoured food or drink. Meaning the only drink allowed will be water and the only meal a specially designed flavourless nutritious meal its Owner makes. These will be the "Tasteless Tuesdays"

Toy's Owner will setup time limits on social media apps on toy's smartphone and toy will be forbidden from changing it or evading the limits in any way.

When outside Owner's house, Toy will be forbidden from breathing while looking at its phone.

Toy will grant its Owner access to any online platforms.

Toy must always, if possible consent-wise, be restrained in some way or another. If its Owner or other person with whom toy is shared isn't present, toy must restraint itself in some way. Permission for temporary release may be asumed when dressing and undressing.

Every time its Owner hands toy an alcoholic drink or intoxicated food, toy must consume some of it.

And finally:

Toy must write a Public Toy Journal every saturday, detailing what has happenned during that week and how it felt about each thing. This is meant to both expose the toy and give its Owner feedback on the way they use their toy.

So, that's what this is.

It's been slightly more than a week so this'll be a long one.

First, about the new rules: The one about making decisions hasn't manifested itself yet, so stay tuned for that one.

Calling my Owner by title and not by name whenever talking to third parties has been harder than I thought. Not logistically, it just makes me kinda subby pretty fast whenever I mention them. I'm not ashamed, fuck no, but it makes me embarassed and I imagine I must look a bit blush hshah. I do get a very subby and euphoric feeling from other people starting to use it too, refering to them as 'your Owner', even when they know them by name from before and aren't particularly into D/s or anything like that. I hope I don't slip up and call them that around family or nonconsenting friends hsah, we'll see.

The Tasteless Tuesday was so much worst than I thought. I'm not really sure why, I think it was a combination of having delicious food I'd prepared right there in the fridge, and eating kind of late and thus getting hungry :p. Don't get me wrong though, the food is fine, tasteless indeed, it's not a negative experience..it's just a bit boring and makes me crave different food.

I've been more worried about the screentime limits than I should be. I think just the idea that there is a limit is working much better thatn the actual limit, since I hardly ever hit the limit and I'm using social media waay less than before. I am slightly sad about not beaing able to use instagram though, since I enjoy posting things quite a lot and had some things planned about D/s.

Now, the breathing while looking at my phone thing. UGH. i HATE it. It's good tho, I'm disinsentivized from using it and from going out. Both things I like. I mean....I did come up with this one lol, it's in a concept from not long ago.

The rule about access to online accounts, we haven't really done it yet, but I don't think it'll do much. It's just an extra layer of survailance. And of course we've set limits about conversations with my mental health proffesionals and such.

About always being restrained: It's been annoying and kinda funny. And hot. Inside the house we already were kind of doing it, although now it's much more constant, I think the real interest will be when it happens outside, at friends or partner's houses. Stay tuned for next week :P

And we don't have money for any intox play so that's that.

Now, just before this week started, we did a session that could be worth its own post. A few days eariler, I'd failed to wash my face as instructed in my rules (not the new ones). For that, I was to spend a day with my head wrapped in bondage tape with a latex hood on top. So I did, they wrapped bondage tape around my head quite tightly, until I couldn't speak nor see, and then placed the hood on top of it.

It was tight, uncomfortable, hot, disorianting, and hot (the other one). I spent 9 hours total like that, 5 of which were on the floor of their living room, neck chained to the foot of the sofa, waiting for them to come back home, trying to using my computer using the windows narrator.

I hate the windows narrator.

By the end I was quite literally dripping from my head. Even they got a bit disgusted by it. Luckily for me, I don't have a sense of smell. Luckily for them, I'd suffered the predicament in literally all the other ways. I want to do it again but also I don't but also I do. aaaaaaaaaaaaa

And now, finally, with what will be the usual format: this week.

On Saturday, I was feeling bad from life stuff, so you took good care of me. You gave me nice food and allowed me to choose, I could get a warm shower (instead of the daily cold ones) or sleep on the bed with them (instead of on the floor in the very small very uncomfortable space between their bed and the wall). I chose the shower. It was amazing. That night however, I would sleep in the nook, which I hadn't done in some time. I was put there to sleep at 2 a.m., and woke up at 6 a.m. with my shoulder, hip, and legs in pain from the position. I knew I was allowed to get on bed as long as I didn't fall back asleep on it, and thought 'hey i'm pretty awake, I just want to get rid of all the fucking pain'. So I started struggling my way out of the nook, which is not easy feet since I was wrapped in two large blankets, and had my wrists and ankles bound together, aside from having my neck chained to the corner of the bed as usual. Ah yes just when you thought I had it easy. Struggling up however made quite a bit of noise and my Owner started shifting around and turned around and looked at me, a very distressingly positioned toy frozen like it had seen headlights on the highway. "What's wrong?" they said, concerned, annoyed, and compeletely asleep. "Nothing, go back to sleep." I said like a cartoon character trying not to wake the guard while escaping prison. After some consideration, I just slid back down. I prefered being a good toy and suffering for my owner sooner than waking them early. However, the blankets had now aligned themselves such that the space my chest cavity had to expand was now a bit limited. Nothing bad, just an extra sensation, in case I needed any.

Sunday. I waited there, crushed, for another hour, while I waited for it to be 10 a.m. so I was allowed to wake you. During that hour my bladder decided to ally itself with my owner's sadistic intentions and it started adding to my suffering. Fun. Later that day, you wrapped a big thick chain around my waist and locked it with an equally thick equally daunting-looking padlock. This was how I was allowed to leave and see some friends, with this underneath my shirt.

On Monday, I took you to work and then went back, made our food for the next day and locked myself in my storage room, sliding the key under the door. When in that position, I'm only allowed to use my computer to study. It as the first time we did and it worked! So well! I missed that feeling so bad, I actually managed to focus! It was amazing. By the time you got home and unlocked me, we had a nice afternoon of cuddles and tv shows.

On Wednesday, we were both feeling a bit down, but we cheered ourselves up like this: you locked my wrists to my collar, and then fucked my body while I was forbidden from orgasming. After being satisfied with yourself, you released one of my wrists and started choking me. You instructed me to touch myself while repeating a series of mantras about how I'm your toy and you use me whenever you want. You made me go faster until I couldn't stop myself and orgasmed without permission. A quick slapping session followed, because that could never go unpunished, not even if you forced it consciously, and then we took care of each other for the rest of the day.

On Thursday, I was super thankful for you doing so much for me, so I cleaned and ordered all your appartment. It wasn't kinky, it was just nice. I wrote 'A long day'. You liked it. You liked it a lot.

Today, saturday, at 1 a.m., you did it. You did exactly what I said in 'A long day'. You joined my ankles together, my wrists behind my back, you placed tightened and locked mittens around my hands, you placed handcuffs above my elbows and joined them, you tightened belts around my thighs and calfs, wrapped my head in bondage tape, and hooded me. You tightened a collar around my neck, harder thatn ever, and chained it up to my feet such that I could just barely not entirely stretch my legs without pulling backwards on my neck. You then widened the toy nook beside your bed a bit so that I would fit like this, and put me there above blankets and pillows. Didn't take me long to ask for the first item be taken off, the hood. Breathing was too hard. that was now one thing removed, 11 remaining. You waited a while to make sure I didn't ask fo anything else and then you allowed yourself to fall asleep. As usual, at first I slept fine, but today I had the most miserable day I've had in quite a while. My hip hurt from laying on my side, my waist from the big chain locked around it, my arms from taking turns being crushed under me, my shoulders from my arms being kept behind me, my neck from trying to position the oversized pillow I had in the nook, my jaw from trying to breathe in through the pillow since the air became too cold at one point, my calfs from how tightly the belt kept them together, my legs from the lack of motion. The only part of my body that felt fine was my feet. Which was the key, honestly, since literal cold feet make me safeword pretty fast since the cold gets unbearable quite quickly. During the night, the tape on my face came off, which is alright, we know it can happen and it's happenned before. You helped me back on the bed, placed a big sock in my mouth and the hood around my head. Sadly I started choking quite quickly so the sock was off. I had now spent 11 hours like this, and had only asked for a single item to be taken off. I was in such miserable state (specially if you consider they were using me, edging me, once every hour) that within the next 5 hours, I asked for the rest of the items off, and safeworded towards a nice aftercare evening. 16 hours I spent like that. I was happily miserable, being theirs, suffering for them. They were extremely happy. I love that. I did fall asleep on the bed at one point without permission while they were taking care of me, so I'll get some sleep deprivation in a few nights as payment, but tonight I'm being taken care of with nice food and I'll be allowed to sleep comfortably in bed with them.

I love my new life. I hope you'll enjoy reading about it. :D

#text #journal

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

coming out

so. um. i've been questioning my sexuality a lot lately and... i don't think i'm bi? or maybe the label doesn't fit me/feel right anymore? idk, either way, i think i'm aroace/the aroace label might fit me better? this isn't the first time i've thought about this, i actually have many times before, but this is the first time i've seriously considered it.

i'm not interested in having a romantic and/or sexual relationship. the more i've thought about it, i realized that most of my sadness and insecurities about the fact i've never done this stuff is bc i'm afraid ppl will think badly of me bc of it, not bc i actually truly want to pursue it. i don't think i really feel romantic/sexual attraction, but even if i did, i still don't think i'd want to do/have these things. which is why i think i'm aroace/want to identify as aroace now.

tbh tho, i feel really embarassed about this. not just bc i'm still afraid ppl will think badly of me bc of it, but also, i was so confident that i was bi for years, so much so that i bought some bi pride pins/things (including a flag...) (dunno what i'll do with this stuff if i do end up not identifying as bi again... maybe i'll give it away or something eventually)

i'm kinda hesitant to call myself aroace tho. i think i have a lot of internalized aphobia/arophobia(?) (towards myself) bc i constantly try to convince myself that i do want romance and sex even tho i don't think i do. (i feel like a freak bc i don't want these things...) i'm also worried that it's just a phase or something or that it's just a result of my social anxiety and other possible brain issues. i'm also really afraid of other ppl's reactions to it, even moreso than when i called myself bi, tho idk why (i'm scared to even be talking about it in here tbh...)

also ik this all probably sounds weird af or makes no sense considering the ways i've talked about certain things on here sometimes but. yeah. idk, it's hard to explain. sorry for being confusing

um. anyways. yeah, idk.

tldr; i think i'm aroace/gonna start identifying as aroace now anyways tho

(i'm out as bi to my parents and brother but i don't think i'm gonna come out again as aroace for a while bc 1. i want to make sure this is the right label for me and 2. i know for a fact that if i do, my parents will immediately hit me with the "you'll change your mind/you haven't met the right person yet/etc." nonsense 😑)

#goodbye #bi tag #hello #ace tag #meowing #lgbt #lgbt+ #lgbtqia #queer #mogai #aro #ace #aroace #aromantic #asexual #aromanticism #aromantism #asexuality #arospec #acespec #aromantic asexual #aspec

[oldearthaccretionist]

I had another thought about why I really wanted to respond to the anon a week ago... and it's like... now when I see/hear people do that to other people in real life (I.e. criticize someone for doing something absolutely harmless but that the other considers "odd" or "off-putting" or other similar adjectives) I know how to address it - or at least I have my own particular strategy, which is reinforce that what the person being criticized for is absolutely fine and join in with it/ exaggerate it and directly challenge the criticizer to talk to me about it instead...

(Seriously if you are actually comfortable with doing this it is incredibly effective. I couldn't have done this when I was younger but the increase in confidence + don't give a fuck that comes with being 30+ and having always been "odd" (like most consistent descriptor other people give me when prompted is "awkward but in a good way") is great.

One of my favourite examples of the success of this method (probably in particular because I have other beef/annoyances with one of these coworkers... seriously since this incident I keep working in places after him and having to clean up his literal messes, who leaves a tobacco spit jar unsealed hidden in the bottom of an overfull paper recycle bin? Or perishable food in a cooler in a storage locker for a year!?!?) was when one of my coworkers, at the same authority level as me (i.e. occassionally covered cross shift duties for the head geo), started poking fun at one of our summer students for being awkward despite it being obvious that the student did not find it funny (and like I've worked with the student before, I had recommended him for the position actually, and he's a really nice guy, really hard worker and kinda sensitive and a bit shy.)

So like I don't remember the words I used and I have no doubt it wasn't particularly eloquent but boiled down to "hoo boy, do you want to see some awkward to comment on? Cause I got some to spare and it hasn't held me back yet" (loud enough that everyone else at the table also heard, because if you're going to use social pressure to make fun of someone I'm sure as shit going to turn that back on you) and started pointing out to the guy every time I did something awkward, because let's face it I am well aware of my awkwardness, and can I just say the one who was embarassed by this was absolutely not me, and he never commented again on anyone being awkward (at least not in my hearing).

But when I get an anon I just like have this sense that they're probably sending these "well meaning" "informative" tips to other people who might be more like teenage to young adult Emily, and I can't really help but want to be the shield for them too... but I can't employ my usual strategy because there's just a grey face and I have no idea if or who else might be receiving stuff from them...

I also feel like this is why I find it easier and dwell less when my friends get anons that I can respond to, because then I can be like "yeah and another thing! And go away!". But when I get them I'm all, okay but who else are you sending things to and how can I tell them to ignore the heck out of you?

...anyway, just random, unedited, rambling, incoherent thoughts I had after reading the post I just reblogged and felt like writing down...

#personal log #ignore me #sometimes i just want to think out loud into the void

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Coffee, Marshmallows and Reflections

I'm going to the mall opposite the university today—after two entire months of stalling. I've been in San Antonio for almost a year and haven't even visited Barnes and Noble yet, despite it being so close to home. That, put together with that the fact that I it's been impossible for me to pick up a book for days has been giving me a whole new level of identity crisis. So I'm winging it now, setting off. I have a club meeting in a few hours and spending it at the mall is definitely going to be so much better than just doing homework by myself in the library (... right?).

The first thing I make sure to do is get on the wrong bus (an inherently Sabiha character trait). Fortunately, the kindly woman beside me smiles and gives me directions on where to get off and which bus to take after that. "It's pretty confusing," she shakes her head, as if it is the (perfectly organized) system's fault and not mine that I‘m here right now. For a second, I let myself believe her, let the mix of panic and embarassment subside.

I follow her instructions and get off at the stop by the mall. The Shops at la Cantera, the signboard says, in reassuring big letters. Yup. Definitely the right place.

(If you're thinking of big buildings with glittery lights and movie theatures, I'll stop you right there, because malls in San Antonio are basically an entire area with parking spaces, a square, fountains, and one-storeyed shop outlets. Beautiful, of course. Just ... not what I associate with the word "mall".)

Barnes and Noble. Somehow, I've always imagined coming here with someone. Who? I don't know. Someone. I walk down the aisles, running my hands over the glossy, beautiful book spines. (I should really get back to reading again. I miss it.) I skim the instructions of a hundred different board games. I leaf through the creamy, heavy-set pages of a $100 bullet journal, and take pictures of the Harry Potter merch to show my little sister.

When I'm tired, I find a little table at the Starbucks downstairs, and I open up my laptop to get some work done, the footsteps and hushed voices of customers fading into the background. I don't get coffee because I'm already full from lunch.

When I've looked over my essay enough that I can't even distinguish between words and typos anymore, I check the time. Still a few more hours to go. Time does a great job of freezing when you're alone. (That is, unless you have a deadline coming. Then it flies no matter what.) When I'm just about to get up, a middle-aged woman asks me if I would watch her bag for her while she visits the restrooms. I'm a little miffed because I can't really say no, but her resulting grateful smile is enough to make me not care anymore.

I pick up a pair of tights I need at Forever 21 (I have trouble using Apple Pay on their machine like the dumbass that I am, but the cashier doesn't even bat an eye. She cheerfully shows me how), and then I enter NYX, looking for a few items I've been planning to buy for a long while. The shop assistants are so nice, chatting away with me about the terrible tans caused by the ruthless Texas sun as they gently tilt my head and brush foundation onto my jawline, trying to find the right shade. I smile and thank them as I once again step out, checking my watch as I do.

Still an hour and a half to go. That shouldn't be a problem. There are so many shops here that I've never explored before. I love window-shopping. It'll be nice. And fun.

Yet as I start walking my legs are carrying me towards the bus stand instead. Am I going ... home? I'm tired. I really am. So exhausted from this long day that doesn't want to end, this sun that's beating down heat on me. And I've still got so much more work to do. I need to meet people and socialize, I really shouldn't miss any more club meetings, but I feel so drained right now. I'll attend the next one for sure.

I rest my head against the window-pane as the bus rumbles along gently, watching the evening sun coat the world in soft orange. I'll make coffee for myself when I get home, put mini marshmallows on top. Light a vanilla buttercream scented candle in my room as I complete the assignments due tomorrow. Catch up on sleep too, if I can. Try on my new makeup and check it out in the mirror. Maybe even pick up a book again.

As I'm walking towards our house I kneel down to take a look at the little wildflowers (daisies?) lining the sidewalk. I take a picture of the soothing sky. I used to think I loved window-shopping, but turns out I only loved the company that came with it. No matter how much time goes by, I always seem to know myself less than I think. It hasn't been a bad day though. I sacrificed meeting new people for ... well, for even more me time. But that's okay. There'll be other days. There'll be other opportunities.

I'm doing good. I'm busy, always tired, exhausted, alone. But also happy. And that's what matters.

⠀

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #writers on tumblr #short story #slice of life #college freshman #window shopping #shopping #me time #self care #wholesome #kindness #tumblr journal #barnes and noble #coffee #marshmallows #mini marshmallows #coffee with milk #books and libraries #bookstore #book aesthetic #boardgames #self date #daisies #wildflowers #evening #golden hour #writerblr #university #college #my writing

[sleepisleepi]

Todays class was an exhilerating experience. Not in the least because I think I'd already hyped it up in my mind all day. I couldn't be happier with our instructor, he's full of an energy that brings a lot of momentum to the class and I'm really looking foraward to working with him. For our first assignment we found partners and conducted five minute interviews with each other. I'd had abit of conversation with my partner earlier in the day and was looking forward to learning more about him. The converstaion was a bit awkward, but I'm not surprised seeing as this is really the first public social activity I've really done since covid started. I felt I was very stuck in my head, and found it difficult to think of questions to ask. I'm hoping this brain fog will disapate a little with time. I honestly didn't realize how rusty my social skills have gotten since being at school last in the early months of 2020. The fact my classmates are strangers to me isn't helping the situation, however I think we've already settled into a raport that is admirable for people who have only known each other for just over 6 hours. After the interviewing process was done we had the mortifying ordeal of having to present our partner's life story. Usually speaking in front of small groups isn't very intimidating for me but the process made me realize my skills had somehow completely vanished. I felt at a complete loss for words, even with my notes right there in front of me I couldn't speak clearly. Eyecontact was difficult and I found myself incredibly distracted, even from word to word. I suddenly had the memory emerge of my debate teacher in highschool challenging us to speak a paragraph about ourselves without saying 'umm' or 'like.' All of a sudden I was acutely aware of every pause and break and 'umm' in my speech. To be honest the entire ordeal was embarassing. But I'll get over it and by the end of the term I'm sure I'll have forgotten avbout it completely. I did enjoy the tongue twister we did at the beginning of class. We spent some time on it and went through it quiet a few times as a class and I didn't get the whole thing right even once. I'm sure by the end of the term I'll be able to run through it perfectly and very quickly as well but right now that seems completely impossible, especuially with the footwrok that when along wiht it. To end this journal I'll write it out as I remember it, though it may not be perfect seeing as I, as I mentioned earlier, I never got it right once.

All I want is a proper cup of coffee, made in a proper copper coffee pot. I my be off my dot, but I want a cup of coffee from a proper coffee pot. Tin coffee pots and iron coffee pots, they're no good for me. If I can't have a proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot I'll have a cup of tea.