#i've actually just actively started working on this more seriously

[xclowniex]

One of the most disappointing things about the past few years is how much it's exposed how much of a self-centered joke the online left has exposed itself to be.

I joined the left overtime as a reaction to the likes of Trump getting power, and his horrific desire to bring about his own dictatorship over America. I for quite a long time thought a lot of the problem stemmed from centrist types not taking his threat seriously enough (which was partially true in some ways), which only fueled my shift to the left more and more as I saw the end result of the pandemic and the lackluster reaction from the people who most supported the status quo in regards to many things.

I thought in many ways that would be the end of that; that progressivism was what society needed, and that we had to do everything in our power to pull society away from the problematic and deeply flawed status quo, and ESPECIALLY away from the likes of Trump and the Fascist GOP.

But then Biden got elected, and I started seeing the cracks.

The griping, the moaning, and self-righteousness just started popping up from the left. At first I didn't think too much of it, because Biden wasn't my first choice either, but I accepted the fact that it was better him than Trump, and frankly it was much easier to get things done under him than under a dictatorial asshole and egomaniac with too much power and support.

But the self-righteousness just would not stop coming from the left, mixed together with the realization that for every progressive who genuinely tried to make things better, there seemed to be far more whom only cared about their own image and brand of being "better than thou" without any actual substance, never mind the ones who actively seemed to go out of their way to support outright authoritarian regimes like Putin out of some notion it'd lead to Communism, despite the far right literally also wanting Putin to have more power for FASCISM.

It felt like people just flat out were falling into the same kind of conspiracy stuff as QAnon, where somehow they were loathed for their conspiratorial thinking, and yet somehow it became fine when "OUR SIDE" was dipping into that same kind of rhetoric and thinking. And for all that people constantly bayed for blood and for taking drastic measures, I never once saw them ever DO anything of the sort. I just started becoming warier and more thinking that people were just full of hot air, that for all of their talk none of them would ever willingly choose to fight for real because they didn't have any real courage, just a bunch of slogans and hot air.

And then Ukraine happened. And then I/P happened.

Honestly, those two things just fucking pissed me off, disillusioned me immensely, because it was like the mask just flew off. All of sudden, so called progressives were praising authoritarian behavior so long as it was under the pretense of socialism and communism. All of a sudden they started throwing around hateful slurs and propaganda like it was nobody's business. Actively and literally suggesting that we allow society to fall, for democracy to fall so that a fascist could destroy their enemies and push them towards their own ideology, despite the reality that THAT kind of thing has NEVER WORKED out for the people who are already suffering and broken.

It made me realize that a lot of so called "leftists" didn't care in the slightest about actually building towards a better world, only in wiping out the people they viewed as an obstacle to an easy utopia where they didn't have to care about other people as people. That everyone else was just their pawn, their prop for their own twisted egos of being against the eeeeeevil establishment, all while deciding to be just as monstrous as the evil they oppose.

I've honestly never felt so disappointed in my entire life, because I genuinely thought that people valued the idea of a better tomorrow, that even if having to work with the likes of Biden kinda sucked, that we'd have learned from the magical thinking of the Trump Cult and QAnon and recognized that progress would be a long, difficult, but necessary step towards a truly better future. That we would eventually replace the Bidens of the world with a better President who would slowly move things forward, and then replaced with their better successor who moved things forward as well, and so on and so forth. It'd be slow, but it'd be substantial, something we could work with.

Instead, it seems like a lot of leftists just wanted a left-wing version of Trump, where all their enemies are eliminated and they perch themselves atop their ivory towers to sneer down at the stupid liberal and conservative masses for not bowing to their greatness. Or they just burn everything and everyone else down while they skedaddle to the safety and comfort of their privileged lives to laugh and jeer at everyone for not submitting to their ideological zealotry, or just to escape the fallout of their heinous actions.

i 100% agree.

I feel like a lot of leftists (including myself back when i was a teen tbh) never worked through the right wing ideology they grew up with and saw values they thought were neat (are still are good things) such as queer rights and liberation, liberations for indigenous peoples, ending racism, etc etc etc, and instead of genuinely holding those values, they just used the same right wing authoritarian logic they claim to despise except backing that logic is leftist progressive ideas.

For example, leftists are supposed to be anti fascism yet, they want their politcal enemies to die or whilst they don't actively want a political enemy to die, they will gladly celebrate their death.

And like, there is a difference between celebrating the death of someone who has actually done harm due to their politics vs celebrating the death of someone who just holds opposing political ideas.

I also agree that there is a sense of being holier than thou from the left. There seems to be a pissing contest of who can be the most progressive to the point where it swings back around to being right wing either fully or to a point.

Whilst I still hold leftist and progressive values, I have definitely shifted away from calling myself a leftist as I do not want to associate with leftists who hold leftists values yet excecute them with right wing tactics. Maybe at some point in the future I will go back to proudly calling myself a leftist, but for now I am a bit ashamed of how quickly leftist values exit the room when talking about jews or other minorities.

#antisemitism #leftist antisemitism #politics #ask clownie

[noxtivagus]

AAAA I WNA WRITE AGAIN

#tag later #i've been reading stuff ever since i woke up #and i've seriously fallen into this pit again but #it's still so hard to start finding the words to write T_T #who do i write for? #i think that's the biggest question i've been asking for myself #i can actually write i think for charas in stuff like ffxiv and #no actually i think just ffxiv. it's the one i know the most #even with that however i don't think i can reach the quality or standard i want/have for myself? #i haven't written properly in ages so i shld probably be less harsh on myself but #it won't just sit right if it feels incomplete to me #maybe i'll start with writing my ideas feelings and thoughts again on emet aymeric alphy haurchefant yh #i cld slowly work on my own original stuff as well #and gbf too. i haven't really been playing very actively for a while but i love it lot still so i may as well #indulge myself. yeah #i think one reason why writing's become more difficult for me now is #i wish it was my reality...? #i'm not sure. i can't understand it nor can i accept it #so i'm trying to discover and find myself first #hmmm #but maybe writing could help with that #it's just kinda hsjfjdjsk bcs i've always really been a dreamer and romantic at heart but #it's a rather vulnerable side of me that. makes me flustered n embarrassed #it's who i am so 💪💪 but at the same time i wna just hide and disappear all to myself 💀 #wah i have so many things to do i'll just try my best and be patient w myself as i eventually make it through all of it T_T <3

[xyriath]

but seriously if you are at all blogging about the i/p conflict you NEED to read that standing together article from that post i just reblogged. please. please please please please please. these are the people who are actually doing something about freeing palestine and have been for years. And here's the thing:

IF YOU WANT PEACE IN ISRAEL, IN PALESTINE, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE IT'S GOING TO COME FROM.

Because yeah. The way this site is spreading around uncritical posts is a huge issue (and a reason I haven't been around since October). Standing Together is doing a hell of a lot more than blogging about it. They're on the ground putting in the work. Nine days before the October 7 attack, they were in Tel Aviv publicly protesting about the systematic oppression of Arabs (not just Palestinians) in Israel.

"The global left has to be synced with what we need." Trust me, the right is. Boy HOWDY is the right synced. I have gotten more support about my Judaism from the far right than the left and it's??? kinda fucked up??? Someone who worked for Pat Robertson should not feel safer than someone dedicated to activism, but here we are. I can feel how easy it would be to be radicalized towards the right, and I'm actively fighting against it. Now imagine that multiplied by millions of people, plenty of whom don't have the same desire to do so, or feel like they don't have the luxury of safety to do so.

Seeing Hamas being portrayed as sympathetic and talked about like they had a right to commit all of the atrocities that they have is making me lose my MIND. They're a group run by corrupt billionaires who actively started this conflict with the intent of silencing the Palestinian people who have been protesting their tyranny. They have been siphoning money from Palestinians for years and this entire attack is them deliberately throwing Palestinians into the path of slaughter to distract from that fact, the same way that Netanyahu absolutely took advantage of the threat and tragedy to try and get himself off the hook for his own corruption.

Also check out the google doc linked in the article. It's not just a good way to learn how to communicate, but a very good resource for finding out if something you're sharing is worthwhile. In fact, it does a really god job of breaking down why I've felt so uncomfortable about a bunch of the posts on my dash. Some excerpts:

This got way longer than I had intended, but hopefully does its job. Go read the article and, yes, if you need to, reevaluate your activism. Because if it's not what people involved actually want or need, then it's just for you. And that's kinda fucked up.

#xyri yaps #antisemitism #Israel #Gaza #Palestine #I/P Conflict #Activism #Leftist Antisemitism #Standing Together #i've been sitting on a lot of this for a while and i guess it all came out now

[atanx]

James Somerton's "A Measured Response": A Measured Response

so I watched a reupload of the video because idk i like to torture myself. and i took a bunch of notes:

“I tried to be a voice for every member of the queer community, but that was a failed endeavour before it even started.”

what a strange way to say ‘I tried making it seem like I’m the only queer creator and stole from and actively harmed people in the queer community. knowingly. purposefully. and when I was called out in the past I tried to hide it.'

“I'm a cis, white, gay man. No matter how much I try to be a good spokesperson, I can never really, truly, understand the life experiences of other, far more put upon,  members of the queer community.”

so of course I stole and hid work from the people I can't understand, gutting it of their personal experiences and refused to redirect my audience to those people so that they can enrich themselves and hear about issues pertaining them from someone who actually does understand.

“...one of the reasons I used their own words. But I should have made it clear that that was what I was doing.”

BITCH YOU STOLE. YOU GUTTED THEIR STORIES OF MEANINGFUL PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. YOU WEREN'T USING THEIR WORDS TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T ENTIRELY UNDERSTAND YOU WERE MILKING THEM FOR CONTENT AND DEPRIVING PEOPLE OF ACTUAL, SOULFUL, MEANINGFUL ARTICLES AND BOOKS AND DOCUMENTARIES AND VIDEOS THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING INSTEAD.

“Being a cis white man I thought I might win over some people who otherwise wouldn't listen.”

Yeah sure. Because racist transphobes are going to be watching your badly plagiarised gay film analysis.

“I would also like to apologise to Jessie Gender, who is one of the kindest people I ever met. Through my hot-headedness, I drew her into this anger spiral.”

‘through my hotheadedness.’. shirking responsibility onto an ‘ingrained personality trait of yours’ I see.

if you are so honestly sorry for being an asshole to Jessie why don't you fucking apologise to her directly? privately? not as a way to boost your own fucking image??

he's trying to earn good will by complimenting Jessie Gender “oh he knows to compliment an awesome person we have that in common I guess he can't be so bad after all” fuck you I recognise your strategies and it's gross to drag Jessie into this like that, she spoke out against you and you are trying to imply some sort of friendship or something between you. okay I cannot UNDERSTATE the way he tries to make it seem like they are close in some way and sort of drag her onto his side that's so fucking despicable. as far as I know Jessie Gender does not have a relationship with him of any kind?

once again bringing up death threats I see. obviously death threats are shite and anyone who threatens the dude in seriousness or harasses him will not see the light of heaven as Hbomberguy said but IN AN APOLOGY YOU DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU THAT'S MANIPULATION

also blaming the police for not clarifying a situation in a timely manner - the police are a flaming pile of garbage and I hope the institution explodes but NOT SAYING ANYTHING WAS YOUR CHOICE. THE POLICE DIDN'T MAKE YOU DO SHIT THERE

the problem isn't that you tried to “create a channel where all queer people could be safe”, the problem is that 1) you are a misogynist 2) you yourself engaged in transphobic behaviour and 3) you also actively supressed queer people's voices. The problem isn't that you supposedly wanted a space for all queer people, the problem is that you tried to MONOPOLISE queer literature analysis. fuck, queer doesn't look like a word anymore I've written it too many times now

(paraphrased) “I should have been helping with making queer people's voices discoverable” this makes it seem like he just didn't do anything and not like the reality that he was actively trying to rewrite history and bury LQBTQIA+ voices under his steaming pile of garbage

also BLAMING YOUTUBE AND THE ALGORITHM FOR ‘PUSHING HIM’ because he's cis and white, like maybe they did, I certainly wouldn't be surprised, but that is not why other creators suffered, a large part of that can be attributed to James Somerton stealing their work without any acknowledgement whatsoever apart maybe if they are lucky, a “based on” in the credits or their name flashing on screen for half a second.

“I should have done more to share the voices of other queer people” THAT IMPLIES YOU DID SOMETHING. YOU WERE ACTIVELY WORKING AGAINST THAT YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT-

“it was just my dweam to be a youtubew and when my videos gained twaction i felt pwessuwed to make mowe vewy quickly and that's why they wewe so shit uwu” fuck off you weren't pressured into shit you just wanted to make money and that's why you were a content mill

“early on I thought that crediting authors in the opening credits alone was enough” what about the times YOU DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT??? YOU'RE MAKING THIS SEEM LIKE THE DRAMA IS ABOUT YOU CREDITING PEOPLE WRONG WHEN ITS ABOUT YOUR SYSTEMATIC THEFT AND OPPRESSION OF THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE VIDEOS FOR AND ABOUT AND THOSE YOU CLAIM TO MAKE A SAFE SPACE FOR. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK WATCHES YOUR VIDEOS?? WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID YOU CAN'T JUST PLAY IT DOWN

not him using Hbomberguy's example of the DEEP CUTS: SOCIETY AND QUEER HORROR video and claiming he credited all people in the opening scene when Hbomberguy highlighted he DIDNT EVEN CREDIT MOST OF THEM FUCK OFF ARE YOU DELUSIONAL HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS

I think I'm going insane this all seems so blatantly fake. he brings up the evil queens video and how he asked Sean Griffin, retroactively, permission to include his work in the video. and he shows a ‘screenshot’ of an email Griffin allegedly wrote to thank him for putting him in the title-card and that he thinks it is ‘a very thoughtful video’. only the text of the email header, such as Griffin's name, the RE:, and the To: is a lot smaller than the ‘text’ in the email, which leads me to believe that the below text is edited in some way. And with how hard James is trying to rewrite history, it wouldn't surprise me if he literally rewrote the email or cut things out to present himself in a more positive light. obviously I can't prove that the email is fake but I'll just say that I think the likelihood is very high that it is.

the way he says this also implies that he asked for permission after he made the video but hadn't published it yet. which is also blatantly false.

again trying to waltz off responsibility on nick, saying he was much more interested in production and implying that nick did all the writing .

“nick and I had both grown up poor so when I lost my job in 2021 (approx.) we of course were desperate and turned to producing videos even quicker and plagiarising the fuck out of all of them! but we can't help it we were both poor as kids!” fuck off, you weren't poor when plagiarising every-fucking-thing, this was in “the second year of COVID”. obviously if they really did grow up poor that sucks, and that's why we should eat the rich and redistribute their money. not plagiarise people who partly are poor or not financially cushy and manipulate thousands of people into believing you are the only queer creator.

also milking his mom's cancer. if you were really that worried about your financial situation, one would think that you would get an actual job for security and not put everything into your youtube career that is unstable, especially considering you've already done a lot of plagiarism and have no intention of stopping. “oh I plagiarised because my mom had cancer QAQ” that is so digusting to use a person's medical condition like that.

“i have memory issues because of a head injury i suffered as a child and that's why I plagiarise badly. see, I copy pasted the text with the intention to rephrase it later but forgot.” that would still be fucking plagiarism if he'd done that, also, if he's so aware of his memory issues and how they lead to him plagiarising, why didn't he try to work around that? leave himself notes? or tell nick to remind him to integrate actual proper credit and citations before uploading a video? mark the plagiarised stuff in the document with like highlighter or so when you're pasting it in?? oh but he didn't do all of that because he has ADHD. now, ADHD can be debilitating, but he says it's recently diagnosed so it must not have caused a lot of problems for him so far, so it's probably not severe and even if it is, it doesn't excuse him not crediting people properly. stop fucking hiding behind things ‘you can’t change' because if you truly can't you probably shouldn't be doing this in the first place.

“my mom really wanted me to make a movie with her life insurance but that wasn't paid out so I decided to crowdfund it. i planned to underpay the actors so hard it was under union wages. we got more money than we were expecting and upgraded to wanting to film a feature (final girl) but i didn't want to start working on it until the campaign was over for some reason that totally isn't me just wanting to exploit people for money!”

I'm not gonna go into the Telos stuff but he tries to explain it by claiming it was very unorganised and that's why they constantly ran into issues and that's why nothing ever got done and they were JUST about to start doing stuff when the Hbomberguy video released. You know what, I can believe it, although I am very doubtful considering all James ever does is lie. Idk. 

once again trying to excuse his plagiarism with needing to pay two rents and thus needing to make more videos for more sponsors and not having the time to not plagiarise like please. i don't believe that they were in that dire need of money and if they were - just get a fucking stable job and put youtube on the backburner. 

also once again trying to make it all about him by once again talking about his suicide attempt and death threats. like. no one should suffer through that kind of mental anguish but honestly I cannot bring myself to feel sympathy for this man. and i see this as an attempt to gather pity points.

“nick worked very hard on these videos other three years and it's unfair to [them] (james says that they're non-binary but doesn't indicate their pronouns anywhere? and in the beginning he uses they/them but later only he/him so idk what their pronouns are but it seems like they/them is at least part of their pronouns so i'm just going to use that) that they all got taken down” well y'all shouldn't have fucking plagiarised then. let this be a lesson maybe and don't fucking show your face on youtube again!

he is fucking relaunching his channel. like james. this isn't something you come back from. no one will ever be able to trust you ever again and you don't deserve an audience. he claims all the revenue will go to Hbomberguy's fund but we have no way to verify this. we have no way to know just how much he makes and how much of that is actually going to the fund. i don't trust him with any money. which is why i watched a reupload rather than the original. he's also releasing a new video he claims is entirely by him. like?????? don't???????

he also might not relaunch his existing patreon but he's still making a new one.

he claims he will “work his ass off” to make non-plagiarised videos. like that isn't “working your ass off” that's the bare fucking minimum. I really want to trust him. and I want to believe he'll actually try to do better. and maybe he will. and i believe in second chances, even for someone as despicable as him. but throughout this video he has continuously tried to play down what he did. tried to make excuses for everything. and that's why i am not going to give him a second chance. if he can't even admit what he did i don't trust him to not do it again. and i also just plainly don't want to endorse a person making such arguments.

also, he plugs his fucking new patreon right after this.

“this video is not about me promoting myself. it's about me apologising.” the only fucking person you actually ‘apologised’ to is Jessie Gender. 

James Somerton: makes a billion fucking excuses. Also James Somerton: “These are not excuses. There is no excuse for what I did.”

this entire video was just a publicity stunt. he tries to humanise himself and repair his image. this is just a tool to be able to continue on and continue making money.

he also still claims the disney video was based on the Celluloid Closet and he credited the author and ignores that this wasn't the only author he fucking plagiarised in that video. he is trying to reduce his plagiarsm to incorrect crediting and mistakes and that is disgusting.

the least he could have done was mention by name out loud every author he plagiarised and what work he plagiarised. not just say “uuuh i'm sorry to everyone I plagiarised QAQ”

#james somerton #hbomberguy #james somerton a measured response #atanx.txt

[greentrickster]

What I really want to know is how Gabriel ended up working with Alya and Nino because, frankly, I'm 100% sure that it started out as a hostage situation and also that neither of the kids were the hostage. Seriously, just-

Gabriel, exhausted from another busy night of trying to help people and fight back against the Supreme's tyranny, using whatever secret passage he has to get into his lair (the one where his counterpart keeps Emilie's cryopod) but heavens forbid his son find out about and get involved in such dangerous activities, he could get hurt! And he's not despairing but he's tired, so just kind of walks in and immediately de-transforms so he can talk to Nooroo, because it always helps to talk things over with a friend.

Thus he walks into his lair, exhausted and totally focused on Nooroo, who just freezes in mid-air staring straight ahead, mouth open, "Uh... Gabriel...?"

"Yes, my friend?"

And the kwami points and Gabriel turns the way he's pointing, and there's Alya, tucked in a spot that would be easy to defend or hide in where she has a good view of the entrance but is hard to see from it, and, most importantly, phone out, up, and recording.

Dead silence as they all stare at each other.

Alya: "I'll admit, not the story I was expecting, but I can work with it."

Gabriel: "...I don't suppose I can give you a substantial amount of money to leave and pretend you never saw any of this?"

Alya: "Yeah, no, I want in."

Gabriel: "In? On what"

Alya: "On saving the world and getting rid of the Supreme, obviously."

Gabriel: "What?! Absolutely not, you- you can't be any older than my son, who is a child, I'm not endangering a child in this battle-!"

Alya: "Could you repeat that for me? Because it sounded a whole lot like, 'Why yes, Alya, absolutely post that video you just got of Hesperia turning into Gabriel Agreste on your blog'!"

Gabriel: "...you wouldn't. You'd ruin everything I've been working for, the only chance we might have-"

Alya: "Glad we see eye-to-eye, glad to be on the team, I'm Alya, where should I put my stuff?"

And then she drags Nino along to help out, because power's meant to be shared, right, and there's strength in numbers, and also we'll need Nino because someone's going to have to plan and DJ for their victory celebration when they finally win!

OoOoOoOoO

Alternative that could actually be even more fun: Nino's actually the first one to join the revolution with Gabriel just because he keeps accidentally getting caught up in Betterfly/Hesperia vs. Claw Noir and Shadybug shenanigans, to the point that it's just easier to recruit him officially than to let things continue as they are. Then Alya pulls exactly the same thing as in the previous scenario, except this time she's trying to find out what the bae's up to instead of get whatever dirt on Agreste she was after.

#miraculous ladybug #ml paris special #ml paris spoilers #alya cesaire #betterfly #hesperia #gabriel agreste #fanfiction #(sort of) #Tales of Miraculous Hesperia

[threegunbrainrot]

i dont have any trigun mutuals so i'm just gonna ramble my thoughts into the infinite void of tumblr. and im sure others have touched on this same topic but

it almost seems like vash is getting softer with every new installment of trigun? like incredibly consistently and incredibly specifically.

let me explain.

i'll start with tristamp and work backwards; the tristamp vash we all know and love there is incredibly adverse to violence.

more often than not he ACTIVELY refuses to fight and just WON'T draw his gun. this post loosely counted the amount of bullets that he shot throughout all of season 1, and almost ALL of them (like to an insane degree) were dished out against knives, who vash knew was strong enough to take the hit.

the few times vash does draw his gun against a human in tristamp, it's as a blunt force weapon (against the badlads gang and livio, for example) or to disarm others/save someone with ricochet (like shooting the punisher before wolfwood can kill livio).

he just doesn't shoot people. at ALL.

then if we look at 98 trigun, things change drastically.

here, vash isn't afraid to hurt people a little if it means more will be saved in the end. of course he never kills, but he actually shoots people here. not only that...

he holds a casual, sarcastic conversation while pointing his weapon at people.

he constantly shoots at limbs to immobilize people, fires warning shots extremely close to peoples' vitals, and performs several very insane trick shots throughout the show to wound those with armor.

tristamp vash wouldn't even draw, but 98 struts around firing warning shots into the sky and singing about bloodshed for intimidation! i'm not sure there's a single episode where he doesn't shoot someone at least once.

...so what about trimax, then?

(PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD)

he is so. shockingly. violent.

of course he never kills. of course he's still trying to save people, but there's this anger in him that i was completely taken off-guard by reading for the first time.

tristamp vash is so soft he's painful to watch. 98 vash makes a heartbreaking effort to be as silly and nonthreatening as possible, constantly making himself out to be the fool. but trimax?

he's... literally grief-stricken and out for revenge. explicit revenge. he's angry and he's hurt and he lays his intentions out so clearly. he's making THREATS.

seriously:

hunting legato. HUNTING him.

it's not even a matter of drawing his weapon anymore. he does it constantly, and fires just as much. never to kill, but he doesn't joke around the way 98 vash does. the most he'll offer is a sunny smile to reassure others and nothing more.

i'm not that far into the manga, either. i'm sure there's countless more (and probably better) panels to convey this side of trimax vash, but i suppose it also says something that i've found so many panels depicting this so early on.

but the progression of vash's personality is fascinating regardless.

from a tortured, angry loner desperately trying to cling to his morals for rem's sake

to an equally devastated man who devotes himself so completely to acting the role of the fool

and finally to the sad, chronically depressed shell of a person in tristamp who refuses to so much as draw his weapon.

#trigun #trigun stampede spoilers #tristamp spoilers #trigun 1998 spoilers #trigun 1998 #trigun 98 spoilers #trimax spoilers #trigun maximum #trigun maximum spoilers #vash #vash the stampede #ok god just trying to cover my bases with all those tags #the last thing i wanna do is spoil anyone #this is such an incredible series and i want everyone to enjoy it in its purest form #but yeah i could ramble about the different vashes aaaaaaaalllll day #i kinda wanna compare all the ww's too cuz even if the differences arent so violently distinct theyre like twice as intricate #but vash's relationship to violence over the years is the most fascinating thing. he's so quick to fire in trimax and 98 for the safety of #others- both with wildly different mental states behind those bullets- but tristamp just. doesnt. Period. #tho admittedly this s1 tristamp has kind of turned out to be the prequel. i wonder if he'll be quicker to the punch in s2 #anyway god gonna stop rambling now. this post was mostly just for me anyway cuz i wanted to put my thoughts in order #ill be surprised if this goes anywhere #trigun spoilers

[lillified]

Just curious, why do you ship Megastar?

[long post incoming, apologies, you activated my sleeper phrase]

Short answer: I like these characters and their potential. I like the idea of them, and I made up new versions because I want to see their dynamic and subtext taken seriously, and not flanderized/made into a meanspirited joke by media that is supposed to be "mature"

Long answer:

when i was watching transformers as a kid i was really interested in the dynamic of two characters who are mean and jaded and instinctively push eachother away, but work extremely well together. i didn't really understand coding yet, but in my interest in the decepticons as an entity with an ideological identity that wasn't just "bad guy" (transformers was like. the first time i really started thinking about deeper meanings and propaganda in media, which probably explains why i am as obnoxious as I am) I was always sad with how megatron and starscream never really got the chance to have their dynamic approached in a different way. in a lot of ways those two are the heart and soul of the decepticons, and I've always thought that putting more care and attention into their relationship and not just writing it off as a cruel plot device would be the first step in having a more compassionate view of the Decepticons as a whole

personally I believe that, in a similar way to batman and the joker, those two have always had a dynamic that kind of blurs the lines, and at times is outright suggested. unfortunately though, like batman and the joker, over time an unwillingness to engage with the reality of that uncomfortable, sort of meanspirited coding just led to the near-sighted stereotyping becoming crueler and more abusive. acknowledging that it exists at all means acknowledging there was that bias, so the "joke" was just repeated until it became the only thing their interactions were really known for. it's an act of flanderization, and that makes me sad

i guess my case in point is--they have a lot of potential that just isn't realized. even in places where their relationship is given depth there's still almost always this really tonally dissonant violence to their interactions that's never unpacked, not really, because how are you going to sell toys of that? moreover, how are you going to make megatron "redeemable" after that? what could be considered strange, poorly executed slapstick in its origin became aesthetically worse and worse, but was never given serious thought--and I think that makes the story, overall, worse! "maturing" the brand didn't make it smarter, it just made an elephant in the room, and now Transformers is so locked in to its decided status quo that we haven't had a different perspective on any of these characters since Animated.

I apologize for the rant, but it's something I think about alot and your question is somewhat related to that. I'm frustrated by how dismissively these characters are written in versions of Transformers that are supposed to "smart" and "mature", I'm frustrated by how that negatively impacts the story, and I'm frustrated by how the people who like these characters can be dismissive of it. I think there's a lot of story potential and thematic insight into the decepticons that can be gained by looking at these two as characters with a history, and not just a bad joke! I think that you can have all the best parts--the sabotage, betrayal, bitterness, and the irony of someone you refuse to trust who still manages to know you better than anyone else, and have that shown through actions and character development, and actually written instead of having to be overscored by unintelligible violence for the sake of being "dark" and reaffirming, in the cheapest way possible, that you're looking at characters who are evil! I want to see that in a story!

my work is honestly not really about what I think transformers IS, or HAS to be, but what I think it has the potential to be, and what my interpretation of the themes means to me. I want to see all of the Decepticons viewed with a different lens, and these two are probably the most important Decepticons, both on a story/thematic level and a cultural one. transformers was the first piece of media I was really consciously critically thinking about, entirely by chance, and in the interest of art and human expression I want to make something different that is interested in being more thoughtful

anyway, sorry again for rambling. I might delete this later to keep my page clean, but I appreciate the question! I'd give more specific examples of why I like the stuff I made up but those would be spoilers.

#transformers #ask #megatron #starscream #megastar #text post #text #long post #long post cw

[mariii1]

( ʃƪ˘ﻬ˘)(˘ ε˘ʃƪ) What's your sexuality (like)? 18+ (´ε｀ )♡

..........sooo i need to get out of the pattern of making time based promises, I've lied every damn time 😭😭 We'll see when the next pac will come out since im probably gonna do a lot more choices. Let me know if this resonated!

1. There might be something taboo you're holding back. You might not have delved a lot into your sexuality which isn't inherently bad but there might be a specific part you feel ashamed about. For some you this is about a fetish or your orientation for others its just shame that comes from purity culture/r@pe culture. To get rid of this is different for most, for a lot of you time and gaining more experience in life in general will help you feel more comfotable and for others you may need to take a more active role in getting rid of your conditioning. Y'all might be like me where your into our want to get into fetishgear like latex and maybe want to learn bondage but you may feel isolated in who to talk to and where to go. Getting past these anxious thoughts and actually doing your research is what's gonna help you, you might be procrastinating on this because of your own internal conflict.

2. Lord have mercy...You DO NOT want a romantic relationship or a family 😭😭 its coming through stroonnggly. I think some of y'all could be aro and don't know it. People might've told you you're cold hearted or weird for not wanting to date. For some this is toxic because you don't communicate that you don't want romance to people, which ya needa start if you don't. Yeah some of you in this group might have problems being honest either with yourself or other people. There may be pressure to fit in when there's no real harm if you don't, in this case at least. A lot of you don't believe in traditional relationships or just have no desire for romance. A lot of you are planning to be childless when you're older and if you're thinking about getting sterilized, it might be something to start thinking about seriously.

3. Oooohhh someone KNOWS fr what they want. You have this huge boundary and expectations of what you want and this couod for anything: hooking up, sex with a partner, casual dating, etc. Because of this though you might not have been in a relationship for a very long time. You're very headstrong about this and want a fair and equal relationship. I'm specifically getting a lot of femmes in this pile who are fed up with cis men. I don't have any other comments for you, you seem set in this mindset and if its working for you, great! 👍🏽

4. Me 😜 JK tbh i might be your type for some of y'all the same way I think Che Guevara is finee😩 I'm also getting hopeless romantic from this pile but ive never seen that stereotype as something positive and I feel like in this case you guys pine after people a lot but don't try to make any moves. I feel like you could have multiple crushes currently ir multiple ppl u got ur eye on but you haven't even said hi or anything to them yet. As a fellow introvert and someone who's just starting to try to make friends I get it, but it's time to get out of this mindset and just make the first move even if ppl don't like you or they don't turn out as great as you thought.

Rainbow divider @enchanthings

#pick a card #tarot #pick a pile #queer tarot #tarot reading #pac #love tarot reading #pride

[theromanticscrooge]

Lord Boxman, the Lonely Tyrant of Boxmore

Note: I've been wanting to return to writing beefy character essays for awhile and I was finally able to start back up after rewatching O.K. K.O.

Lord Boxman started out wanting to build a robot army strong enough to defeat POINT. Look at his early interactions with his first sapient robot Mr. Logic. This was his original business partner; someone he 'invented' to help fill in what gaps and blind spots he might have. Someone he wanted active feedback and suggestions from. Boxman himself was a lot more open-minded, patient, and collaborative at this point in time. He immediately called Mr. Logic his 'best friend' and treated him with warm, open affection.

Mr. Logic advised Boxman that he shouldn't immediately jump at his goal because he didn't yet have the manpower or resources to pose a legitimate threat. Instead, Mr. Logic proposed using Boxman's inventing abilities to tweak and improve upon his current inventions, to sell these inventions to other villains, and build a villain supply chain store. With time, hard work, and concentrated efforts, Boxman would eventually have the resources and power to successfully launch an attack later. It was a big-picture, long-haul plan. The Mr. Logic-Boxman team led to building the main Boxmore company headquarters and establishing Boxman as a trusted robot minion supplier.

Unfortunately, Boxman isn't a big-picture man. He didn't stop to consider that heroes could also start up and maintain a hero supply chain. Suddenly, POINT wasn't an abstract, 'someday' goal-post anymore. The heroes were right in Boxman's backyard with the presence of Mr. Gar and the developing Lakewood Plaza Turbo. Boxman thought he had ample time to become an indomitable powerhouse, but if the heroes had the same advantage, he'd never be able to catch up and had to address that problem now. When Mr. Logic said to "ignore Lakewood Plaza," Boxman was too lost in himself to listen. He felt threatened and intimidated enough that it stoked his insecurities and anxieties.

When Mr. Logic ventured out to investigate Lakewood Plaza, it could be seen as someone talking to the "other" that their parent, friends, or whomever painted with broad strokes and demonized. Boxman told Mr. Logic that his role was to fill in the "logical inconsistencies" with his plans, but he never asked Mr. Logic what he wanted to do with his life. With Boxman, everything was tailored to realizing Boxman's dreams and ambitions. When Mr. Logic spoke to Mr. Gar, it was a partly about what the Plaza was for and what Mr. Gar hoped for the future with the other part inviting Mr. Logic to share his plans for the future; plans about and for himself, not just the sustainability of Boxmore.

After Mr. Logic had his perspective broadened and returned to Boxmore wanting something fundamentally different from Boxman's new "Destroy the Plaza!" direction, it was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. Boxman was already knee-deep in plans to stop this new existential threat; to have full control over his environment and his life. When Mr. Logic challenged Boxman's worldview, Boxman saw it as a challenge to him personally. Seriously considering Mr. Logic's arguments here meant that Boxman would have to self-reflect in a way he wasn't equipped to. So if Boxman had to shave down Mr. Logic's personhood to a black and white concept of "obstacle in my way" to safeguard his ego, that's what needed to be done.

GIF by zevzevarainai

The episode "Lad & Logic" is a fantastic launchpad to unpacking Boxman's screwed-up dynamic with his other children. His creator-robot minion dynamic is an allegory for an emotionally abusive parent that sees their children as extensions of themselves rather than full, autonomous beings with their own wants and desires. Mr. Logic was fully self-actualized and wanted something different than Boxman. Despite what he said out loud, Boxman knew that Mr. Logic was on even footing with him. Everything came down to power dynamics. So, when Boxman invented his next set of robots, he opted to be their "parent" because of the power imbalance he could exploit.

Shannon, Darrell, Raymond, and others strictly and obediently follow their father's wishes because they were deliberately conditioned and threatened to. Boxman pits them against each other to vie for his favor. The only TV they're allowed to watch at home are movies he carefully filmed to reinforce his "father knows best" agenda. It's similar to strict Christian parents banning their kids from watching certain shows or reading certain books because they may contain "undesirable" properties. Anything that encourages their child to question Christianity or endorses more critical thinking about their household values period is a threat to their authority and maintaining a "functional" household.

While Darrell, Shannon, and Raymond seem satisfied with their lives, unconditionally love their father, and gleefully attack the plaza, every time Boxman threatens them with the "furnace" or yells at them for failing, it's an exaggerated, blunt example of bad parenting. The "furnace" is a catch-all punishment for not being able to meet or exceed Boxman's expectations with anything and everything. He leaves some amount of ambiguity in his demands so that he can tug the proverbial leash every time he feels he needs to.

Granted, it's important to look at everything that led up to Lord Cowboy Darrell. Boxman's most egregious display of favoritism was when he built Boxman Jr. and refused to acknowledge how stung Darrell was. He kept pushing how much stronger, more competent, and better Boxman Jr. was overall. Generally, Darrell's respective relationships with Shannon and Raymond were strong enough to buffer against Boxman's picking favorites tactic. They'll fight each other for Dad's affection, but there was always an implicit understanding that they had each other's backs under normal circumstances. Jr. is different in that he had no significant relationship with his other siblings, only Boxman. And Boxman blatantly showered the newest addition with praise and affection the others never received.

Pushed to his limit, Darrell took matters into his own hands and staged an effective coup d'etat against Boxman. Through his disillusionment with his father, Darrell stepped up and became the focused, tight-knuckled business operator that Boxman could never be. Boxman tried to fill the mold that Mr. Logic helped him create and focus on appeasing his board of directors. But his all-consuming obsession with destroying the Plaza was always his true life's goal and work. This was such a core part of his character that he was miserable and hollow if he gave up on that goal. In contrast, Darrell can follow orders and do what needs to be done with whatever task he's given. The result of Lord Cowboy Darrell was one potential future of Darrell as a self-actualized villain without Boxman putting him down and actively demoralizing him.

After K.O. convinces Boxman to talk to Darrell and tell him he's proud of his achievements, it leads to the pivotal moment that Boxman couldn't give Mr. Logic. For once, Boxman looked at one of his kids and saw them as a separate, autonomous being rather than an extension of him. For that brief moment, he placed Darrell on equal footing. Darrell took over Boxmore partly out of spite but also out of an earnest interest in following in Boxman's footsteps. Without Boxman, he's a better Boxman; with Boxman, he's a co-conspirator that's as eager to destroy the Plaza as Boxman is.

GIF by the-green-sailor

Enter Professor Venomous. In stark contrast to Lord Boxman, Professor Venomous and Fink call themselves "boss" and "minion" respectively but it's really a father-daughter relationship. Venomous makes a point of bringing Fink along to important events or letting her tag along where relevant. He brings along what extras are needed to accommodate Fink whether it's a high chair, crayons, or even glorbs for a high-powered attack on some heroes. At their best, Venomous makes a point to talk to Fink on her level and she speaks very highly of what kind, affectionate gestures he does for her. Where Venomous trips up is discipline. Fink can do whatever she wants. Babysitters are run over by her reckless energy and disregard for other people that aren't Venomous. Any sign of a complaint or a tantrum is pacified with an expensive gift. When Venomous starts getting overwhelmed, the gifts replace all usual attempts at parenting or communication period.

After re-watching O.K. K.O. recently knowing that Professor Venomous was K.O.'s biological father from the jump, perhaps the "boss" and "minion" labels were Venomous' coping mechanism for knowing he abandoned one of his kids. It was easier to interact with and care for Fink as long as she was his "minion." That's a different enough relationship that he can compartmentalize it and distance it from what guilt or regrets he had from his past as Laser Blast.

When Boxman became business partners with Professor Venomous, it led to obvious shifts in his approach to parenting. After his night out with Venomous and Darrell and Shannon babysitting, he gave them T-shirts as rewards for their efforts. No pushes at playing favorites or nitpicking for once.

GIF by loser-jpg

With Professor Venomous in the picture, Boxman finally had the business partner he wanted and needed. While Mr. Logic's approach worked beautifully for kickstarting Boxmore, Boxman needed Venomous to cultivate it into exactly what he wanted vs what it was when tied to a board of directors. For a short time, Boxman and Venomous were building a blended family that was more successful together than separately. Boxman encouraged exercises and attempts towards Fink and Darrell getting along better. The Boxbots all received personalized upgrades from Venomous to improve and augment what weaponry or abilities they had. Fink now had access to what 'toys' Boxman could invent that were several grades above what Venomous could just buy. In short, Boxman dating Venomous led to him becoming a more proactive parent in a surprisingly organic way.

Venemous' intense self-destructive and literally destructive stint as Shadowy Venomous further elucidated what impact he had on Boxman. When Boxman had to step up as the responsible parent, the first problem he addressed with Venomous was how he'd been failing Fink recently with the "You missed Fink's recorder recital" comment. He was also emotionally strong enough to realize that Venomous was causing enough problems in the household that things had reached a boiling point and he had to leave. Breaking up would be emotionally devastating for him but Boxman was prioritizing the emotional well-being of his house and kids overall.

Even the devastating scene where Boxman leaves his kids to go off on an ambiguous "finding myself" quest was meaningful improvement on his part. Similarly to his confrontation with Lord Cowboy Darrell but with all of his kids this time, Boxman told them that they didn't need him. He was cutting the dependent and toxic grip on his apron strings. The Box kids are resilient and capable enough that they could carve out their own path.

There's a quote that Boxman brings up in another episode: "I'm a villain. I'm not a monster." In context, the quote was a punchline for a dark joke about Boxman potentially being a cannibal. Though, it interestingly applies when looking at Boxman's actions during his confrontations with Shadowy Venomous. Shadowy was the kind of monstrous villain that wanted mindless destruction and to see the world burn. Seeing the absolute lowest his partner could reach led to Boxman establishing what lines he wouldn't cross.

He wants to destroy the Plaza, not the world, and a pretty face isn't enough to convince him otherwise when he finds the self-assurance and confidence he needed. It's the pique of his character development as a father. While there is a lot more room for exploring this part of Boxman's character, there's enough substantial story here that it's an interesting look at a "bad dad" that was actively working on becoming better. Boxman and Venomous get back together later but only after Venomous proves that he's working through his bigger issues in a meaningful way with real, tangible results.

Over the last several years, there have been several stories tackling generational trauma that include parents realizing their failings and working on course-correcting with those failings. This has been a point of contention about a recurring to the point of tired stories in recent Pixar animated movies and the core of what made Everything, Everywhere, All at Once the powerhouse that it is. It's not too far of a reach to include Boxman as another one of these stories or even a decent starting place for digging into stories or characters dealing with generational trauma.

In Boxman's case, he could be seen as an example of an insecure parent that uses their role as a parent to reassure themselves in a constantly changing, unpredictable world. He only starts to get better when he starts changing and adapting to fit into that unpredictable world rather than trying to make his little corner of the world continue to conform to just him alone.

#ok ko #ok ko let's be heroes #ok ko lord boxman #lord boxman #lord boxman character analysis #character analysis #character essay #professor venomous #voxman

[indie-ttrpg-of-the-week]

Apocalypse World

Did you know that some early PBTA games used to have *Blank* world as a naming scheme? it never really caught on

Touchstones: Fallout, Mad Max

Genre: Post-Apocalypse, Drama

What is this game?: Apocalypse World is a roleplay focused post-apocalyptic roleplaying game, its also the game that spawned the very popular PBTA framework

CWs: Apocalypse world deals with many dark themes, it's considered an "R-Rated" game citing Language, Sex, and Violence, it also features Mind control, mentions of drug use, and general post-apocalyptic horribleness, however I will attempt to stray away from those themes if possible

How's the gameplay?: OK, I'll likely actually link back to this review a few more times as we talk about other PBTA games, just so we can skip explaining the PBTA gameplay every time, so we're gonna try to be pretty thorough this time Apocalypse World's primary mechanic focuses on the use of Moves, Playbooks, and a 2d6 resolution system, where 1-6 is a miss, 7-9 is a weak hit, and 10-12 is a Strong hit, however your roll will always progress the story in some way, this way even failure can be fun! Moves trigger when doing specific actions, and they all interact with mechanics in some way, the prototypical move in Apocalypse world reads like this: "When Narrative trigger: gameplay effect", then this will either help you with a roll around the gameplay effect, or have you roll for a new gameplay effect, whereupon it'll read like this: "On a 1-6, Failure with consequences, on a 7-9 Success with Consequences, on a 10-12 Success with no consequences" Moves will usually add a stat to them, Apocalypse world's stats are Cool, Hard, Hot, Sharp, Weird, and HX, HX being an asymmetrical stat determining your relationship with other characters.

Playbooks are your character's narrative role, it will give your characters their narrative abilities, gameplay moves, relationships, appearances, basically everything about your character beyond things such as name (and even then, some games remove THAT distinction too), you pick one at the start and generally stick with them the whole game, think of it as a class, in Apocalypse World specifically every playbook has a "Special", a move that generally triggers when characters have sex, this might seem like the type of thing that other games in the framework dumpster pretty quick, but you'd be surprised it actually took a bit for people to get rid of that one

What's the setting (If any) like?: It has one Ok, in all seriousness, Apocalypse World's setting assumes you're playing in an edgy, presumably nuclear, mad max inspired post apocalypse, characters are grimy, aesthetics are leathery and gritty, mutations are common, and shit's BAD. Otherwise, feel free to work on the specifics, maybe you just want to play 1-to-1 fallout, or maybe you want to create your own fully original apocalyptic version of The Butt, Coventry, UK

What's the tone?: Dark. Apocalypse World makes it very clear that the world sucks, and the characters (probably) suck, while you could play a ragtag group of do-gooders, the game assumes a morally gray cast in a world that is actively hostile towards them. Apocalypse World's tone is, not for the faint of heart

Session length: Variable but 3 hours is usually enough to do quite a bit

Number of Players:  3 Minimum, but obviously more can help

Malleability: Apocalypse World's setting is generic to non existant, letting you play a ton of post apocalyptic settings, while branded apocalypses like Fallout or Mad Max might be difficult due to the inclusion of overt supernatural elements, you could really do any nuclear apocalyptic setting within this framework.

Resources: Apocalypse World has quite a few resources just due to being one of the oldest PBTA games, a google sheet exists, I've seen some short scenarios, and the game provides you with Move and Playbook cheat sheets, fan playbooks also exist and there's some pretty good ones if you look around enough, it's not a lot but it's enough for what the game is And here's the big cheese! While most modern PBTA design comes from Monsterhearts and Masks, this is the game that started it all, its gritty and very rough around the edges, but I still really like it

#indie ttrpg #ttrpg #ttrpg community #ttrpg of the week

[sunshineluverr]

It's Thursday, let's break up on Thursday • kth

Pairing : Taehyun x fem!reader

Word count : 4k

Genre : fluffy fluff, college au, (attempted) crack/humour, song fic

Synopsis : You're frustrated with your boyfriend's behaviour so you ended up deciding to break up with him on a regular Thursday.

(+ a cute day out with him!)

Warnings : slight angst cause it's about a break up, mentions of food (pork belly and other things), misunderstandings, reader overthinks stuff, some swearing, use of nicknames, slightly suggestive (?? barely just some mentions of it ig)

Few Disclaimers! : This is a work of pure fiction and only meant for entertainment purposes and does not depict anything about the idol or reader in real life

That being said, the website thing I've mentioned in the story is completely made up and even though that particular website exists, it does not read out the same instructions I've written down (for funny reasons)

The bonus scene is just something extra I wrote for fun and wholesomeness and is not that much relevant to the point of the fic. However I'll still recommend reading it, so, enjoy!

Song recommendation :

Biggest red flag :

Being scared of your own boyfriend.

Does that mean the boyfriend is a red flag? No. It's definitely you. Or at least that's what you believe in your head.

It's not been long since you started dating Taehyun. It's only been a month to be exact. Still you have yet to figure out how to act and react in a relationship and 𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 with someone like Taehyun.

Taehyun first met you during a group assignment between science & mechanism and physical education students. It was kind of a big deal for your college too, to be holding a project, this large scale.

The two of you kinda seemed to hit off instantly as you were assigned partners and shared your interest in having the thirst for knowledge.

The project was to create a device that will somehow help in boosting physical activity level of an individual. It was a complicated assignment indeed, causing you and Taehyun to work really hard on it together non stop which led to both of you having to be inseparable for weeks.

You ended up always having lunch together, spending breaks together, and always being at each other's dorms. And neither of you seemed to mind the closeness and comfortability that naturally came with spending so much time together.

On presentation day, it was a huge success. So much so infact that the device you both created for your project, was used as an example to other students and juniors. That night you both went all out to celebrate. That night was crazy.

"Oh what's this? Kang Taehyun has brought cake? What about the calories??" you tease him, going through the grocery bag he brought full of things for you two to celebrate.

"Calories are invisible for me when I see stawberry shortcake. Besides, we deserve it" He puts both arms on his waist and gives you a proud smile, you return the gesture, smiling warmly as you nod in agreement.

"Meat meat meat!! Grilling the meat Taehyunnie!" You do a little dance and song while he grills the pork belly for the two of you to eat.

You missed to catch the glimmer in Taehyun's eyes, as he watches you being so excited, he stares fondly because it brings joy in his heart to see you so happy. The two of you feast till you're content and then ended up sprawled on the carpetted floor, stomachs full.

"It's funny that we spent this much time together for merely a college assignment. None of the teams probably took it this seriously" You laugh at the irony and he hums in response.

"Like seriously Taehyun? How did you even get so much free time? Do you even have any friends?" You say in a mocking tone.

"I am pretty sure I have more friends than you, actually" Taehyun says bluntly to your comment. But you're used to his blunt and absolutely savage comebacks at this point.

"Okay okay Mr. popular, you're probably right too." you give a weak laugh

"It's true, I am just a lonely girl and after this, now that the project's over, we don't need to hang out together all the time, we must go our separate ways and-"

You're interrupted by Taehyun suddenly getting up and coming on top of you. You're extremely shocked and fall stiff.

"Um...Tae-"

"Shut up"

"Oh um...sorry." you gulp. That was kinda scary.

"No I mean, shut up about what you said. Take it back. What do you mean we're going separate ways? We can only become closer from this point on" Taehyun says as he is only inches away from your face, yet there is no sign of any emotion on him, as always he is so hard to read.

"If you want to stay friends Tae...we can, I will be more than happy to-"

"Friends? You really don't get it do you?" He says as he closes in the distance, to the point he's practically breathing on your face.

"I like you" he whispers and you surely felt your heart skip a whole beat.

The two of you just stay silent in the same position for a full two minutes. You needed to process what just happened.

You'd admit, you had feelings for Taehyun too, the way he smiles so rare but so pretty, the way he is so passionate and talented about his work, the way he randomly starts doing push ups anywhere and looks so hot while doing them. He was such an attractive guy, but you never took your feelings into consideration as he was kind of your first friend on college grounds. You didn't want to confuse romantic and platonic emotions.

But now that Taehyun, the Kang Cold Taehyun has confessed to you, you felt a wave of confidence beginning to loom over you.

"You like me? I like you too... Should we date?"

You finally give a reply to the boy hovering above you.

He gives away a soft smile then gets up, reaching out a hand to help you get up as well.

"Alright it's getting late right now, tomorrow is class after all"

"Huh what? What why where?"

Before you're able to process anything, Taehyun places a lingering kiss on your cheek and gives you a smile and a wave goodbye and immediately he is out the door.

"Good... night?"

That was the day it officially all began. Taehyun the dreadful boyfriend era.

The two of you never 100% established that you're officially dating, but you're going along with it.

There were quite a few significant changes that confirmed you're dating, like how whenever Taehyun and you walk side by side now, he makes sure to grab your hand. Another thing is he invites you over to eat dinner together basically every other day. It was fun but also nerve wrecking.

But besides the hand holding, You knew that Taehyun is not the best example of a warm and affectionate person, so the lack of touch that comes with being in a relationship was evident. But it still annoyed you so bad, the two of you didn't even kiss yet! What is this? Middle school?!

Something else that bothered you is how much Taehyun doesn't have any opinion on anything. Whenever the two of you eat together or plan to watch something together, he lets you decide every single time. Who does he think you are, some sort of decision factory?!

Another change that freaked you out was : As friends, Taehyun was always so precise, whenever the two of you ate out, you would always perfectly split the bill but ever since you began dating him, he's bought you, your morning coffee, every single day! Even when you refused, he forcibly insisted?? Taehyun would never spend for someone's food like this. It made no sense.

And yeah okay sure, maybe he is an affectionate "would do anything for you" type of guy after all and you misunderstood him? Not! because the most important thing to him is his gym time. This was confirmed by your conversation with him on last Thursday.

* "Taehyun! My evening classes are cancelled! If you want we can hang out a bit extra today! Maybe go to the arcade, have some-"

"Oh today is lifting day. I'll just meet you at our usual dinner time. My place again today?"

"Uh...yeah sure.." *

You were heartbroken! Is "lifting" more important than spending quality time with your girlfriend?!

Oh and yeah the dinner thing probably seems sweet...but he never stays the night! Even if you'd be finishing until 11:30 pm, he'll not let you walk home all alone in the night and go with you to drop you off, but he definitely won't let you stay either!

Every damn thing of Kang Taehyun as a boyfriend confused you. And you've been wrecking your mind to try and figure out the whole dating situation, so you give up. It's just a simple first time dating someone, it's really not that deep, plus it won't be like he would be heartbroken ; so you decide to break up with him, this Thursday. You two were truly better off as friends.

Thus began, the depression arc.

This week you had been incredibly sad, you even missed a few classes and deadlines, especially weird when you're always so punctual and attentive, but suddenly you seemed to lose motivation to do absolutely anything. After barely getting through the first class this morning, you slump on your desk instead of going out for break like you usually do.

"Hey"

You were disturbed from your nap by a poke on the head. You slightly lift up your head to look at the culprit of the person that woke you : who else but Taehyun.

You respond in groans and he sits down next to you, in that empty classroom.

"I brought you your lunch here. Your welcome."

"Don't wanna" you whine

"But you have to. What's up even with you lately?" He asks, sounding confused but mostly, concerned.

"It's your fault!" You speak without thinking, still half asleep.

"My fault? Did I do something wrong? Tell me if I did something to make you uncomfortable"

"No. Bye. Break time is almost over" You're blunt and reject his politeness.

"I'm not going until you eat. I'll feed you myself if I have to." He insisted, stubborn as always

He'll feed you? by his hands? You blush. The offer was so tempting. But you must resist, you can't lead him on by acting lovey dovey if you're going to break up soon.

"I swear I'll eat in the next break, just go okay? I don't want you to be late to a class because of me."

"If you insist" he shrugs in dissapointment. And as your eyes watch him leave the door, they almost get teary, you wonder why.

Today was the day. Taehyun asks to have dinner with you again, so you go along because it would seem too unusual if you refused to have dinner with him. That's literally the one thing you guys do together. And probably the last time you will do it ever.

You realise you're a bit upset that you could lose you're only friend in your college by breaking up with Taehyun. But you assumed that he is a mature man and will probably continue the friendship, going back to the things and how they used to be. Finally.

You were less excited for tonight's dinner though, breaking up seemed easy but it was still a bummer. Even when Taehyun said he'll make fried rice for you, which was special because he would usually make some protein rich, healthy food, but today he was making your favourite. Gosh why today of all days he decided to be so sweet?!

When you arrived at his dormroom, you tried your hardest to maintain that cold aura. You exchanged fewer words, took off your coat and sat on the floor table. Still, Taehyun greets you with a smile.

"I have good news."

Why?!! you wonder, now you bringing the bad news will be such a downer!

"What is it?"

"All of tomorrow's classes are cancelled due to a condolence holiday, we can stay up late! In celebration, I bought cheese tteok and ice cream" Taehyun beams.

Actually this news cheered you also up as well too, like a free day off from school was always something to be happy about.

Taehyun brings in the pot of rice, two bowls and you begin to have dinner. Usually you start the conversation, but not doing so the two of you ate in silence. The uncomfortable awkward-ness started to build up from this point on.

When you both finished, you helped Taehyun to clean up. At the beginning of your friendship, he would strictly refuse for your help to clean up because of his default polite personality but gradually, he got better at taking help from you since how often you'd come to his dorm, you practically lived there. (but of course you're still pissed off about the fact that he never asked you to stay over, though)

As the tidying and dishes were done, Taehyun suggests to play a videogame together but you brutally refused to which he pouts. You can't spend time in bonding with him right now, it's too late. You're about to break up with him any second now.

So you just sit on his couch scrolling through your phone, trying to distract yourself from the sight in front of you, that is, Taehyun doing his after meal work-out session. Even though it was annoying, he looks hot while excercising, so.

To try and find some motivation and ideas, you look up on your phone : "How to break up with your boyfriend?

You take a look at a site called wikihow, seemed suspicious..

" Method 1. Kill them"

You almost choke on air.

": If your boyfriend is dead! The relationship doesn't exist anymore! Super easy plan"

Wow okay um...if that's number one then what's number two?

"Method 2. Burn down his house : He will get too busy in trying to find a new house so he will break up with you himself!"

Is this site...for real????

You change up the text on your search bar to "How to break up with your boyfriend *gently* ?"

This time the results were different and safer. Phew.

Step 1. Compliment him

"Tae, uh you have some nice muscles you know? It's looking good"

"I know. Thank you"

Okay next...

Step 2. Try to start a conversation with him

"Taehyun come here. Can we talk?"

"Sure...?" He comes and sits beside you on the couch.

Step 3. Hug him

You give Taehyun a hug, he seemed to tense up a bit because he was surprised, but quickly returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around you. It was such a nice hug. He's so warm and muscular, yet soft, hugging him feels like the most comfortable heaven. You're going to miss hugs like this

Step 4. Say that you want to talk about something important

"Taehyun, I need to tell you something important"

"What is it? You can say anything to me"

Step 5. Rip off the bandaid!

"I wanna break up" you realise you only think the words and not actually say them from your mouth which lies hanging open. Taehyun watches you, confused.

"I..."

"Is everything alright?"

"I uh.."

"Are you crying?" Taehyun asks as he frowns with worry

"Huh? What? I am?!"

You touch your face and it's wet with hot tears. Sad feelings starting to sink in.

"I'm- I'm sorry"

"Why? Are you okay? What happened?" Taehyun voice is soft and caring as he cups your face.

You give in and start to sob, crying hard. You didn't contemplate the fact just how hard you had fallen for Kang Taehyun. It's true that even though there so many things that bothered or confused you, there were enough factors that kept you wanting more and needing more of him, all the time. He's imperfect but perfect as well and you loved him, you couldn't break up with him, you just couldn't.

"I'm sorry I can't" you sniffle

"Can't what?" He asks wiping a tear

"Can't break up with you"

Taehyun's jaw drops lightly, he really did not expect you to say that

"Who is asking you to do that? It's not like I'm breaking up with you"

"Oh yeah..." you let out, feeling dumbfounded

He smiles, in amusement almost.

You frown and throw a light punch to his arm.

"I'm breaking up with you because you're a terrible boyfriend!"

"I am?!"

"Yeah!" You sob more

"Uh did I do something wrong?"

"Everything! Taehyun you don't understand, this is my first real relationship and you used to be my only friend, so whenever I feel stressed about something on how to act or react as a girlfriend, or how everything is so confusing I cannot ask anyone or rant to anyone because I'm just a sad loner and and-! just! I don't understand anything!"

Taehyun lets out a small laugh and you look at him in confusion.

"Why don't you rant about your boyfriend to me...as your friend?"

"But you are my boyfriend!"

"Pretend I'm not"

"Well..then" you begin, wipping off a tear.

"My boyfriend is so annoying because he always pays for my stuff even though I never ask him to"

"Maybe that's his way of showing his love for you, his love language is acts of service?"

"I suppose that makes sense...But he never lets me stay over! Like we are boyfriend and girlfriend for fucks sake we can sleep together if we want to!"

"Maybe he is scared that if you stay over, his temptations will get to him and he is afraid you're not ready for taking that step so early into the relationship"

"Um well..uh he totally loves gyming more than me! He spends more time at the gym than with me!"

"Maybe if you voice your demands to him, he will comply and spend a lot more time with you, whenever you need"

"But but... he's so distant...we haven't even kissed yet!"

And instead of getting another logical (and wholesome) reply from your "best friend" Taehyun leaned in to press a kiss on your lips. It was soft and warm and sweet. You felt so happy to kiss him.

He separates the kiss and you feel like crying even more.

"Taehyun... you're the best boyfriend ever! I'm sorry I doubted you... I'm the worst"

"Shh shh...do not say that about yourself. I'm sorry if I seemed too careful or too distant. I will try harder for you."

"Me- me too! Taehyun...I love you"

"I love you too." He places another peck on your lips

"And really, you can just ask if you want to sleep over...but don't blame me for what happens after that" he gives you a playful smirk making you blush

"Kang Taehyun you drive me insane!!"

Step 6 : Congratulations! You have broken up with your boyfriend unsuccessfully!

(♡Bonus Scene♡)

"Tyun. Today I will take you out for the best adventure ever!"

"Oh?" he perks an eyebrow at you "but what's the occasion?"

"Hmm just, you'll see!"

That conversation you had with him, this morning, in the bath, while he was washing your hair. It isn't a often thing you two would shower together, but since you've grown so comfortable with him and today you really needed to save some time...

It was the best bet (even though it was so relaxing to the point you would spend the whole day right there but no way that's happening because it will probably be a health hazard)

Taehyun was confused about it all. It wasn't like today was your anniversary, birthday, valentines day, none. But you very specifically asked him to finish all his assignments beforehand, take an absentee from class and spend the whole day with you.

You had even picked out clothes for him by your choice, he was still confused but gladly accepted anything you ask him to do because he trusts you so much.

When he saw that the two of you, actually, matched clothes, like a cute couple pair set of clothes, he nodded and gave you a bright satisfied smile and a peck on the cheek. You're excited to receive those kind of reactions from him all day long because of all the surprises you planned.

Another surprise was that you would be driving! Although you would be using his car, cause you don't have your own. But since he's always the one driving for the two of you so you wanted to give him a break and return the gesture.

"But-"

"No buts! today you're the passenger princess babe, now hop in!"

Taehyun rolls his eyes at your teasing, though his heart flutters at you puttting in so many efforts just for him. He feels so loved and so in love, it's practically too much.

You drive around for a while, your destination clear in your mind. But even if it took quite some time to reach the location, the car ride was far from boring. You had put on a playlist of Taehyun's favorite songs, to put him in even higher spirits than he already was.

When you finally arrived, It was at a park, a hiking park to be specific.

"Wait baby really-? Are you sure you'd wanna do something like this? Will you be even alive?!" It seemed like he was joking but by his expression, he was genuinely concerned for your well being, knowing very well how much you hate any sort of physical activity.

"I'll be fine and we won't go that far so really you don't need to worry" You give a reassuring smile.

And yes, it's a shame you're not as physically energetic and adventurous as your boyfriend but that is exactly why you chose this place, it was perfect because it was completely unexpected. And his excitement was so clear on his face, it was so worth it.

The two of you began moving up the rocky road, hand in hand (or you'd probably fall to your death if he wasn't holding on tight)

The weather being perfect, just as you'd hoped it'd be. Despite your exhausted self, you appreciated the beauty of the hiking park ; there were flowers on every edge and small animals here and there.

As soon as you started recognising the pathway more and more, it was now you guiding Taehyun instead of him guiding you. He was surprised at your sudden enthusiasm but followed patiently nonetheless as you led the way.

You came to a stop to a bunch of trees that had hanging branches. Taehyun gave you a confused pout as to why you stopped suddenly and your heart did somersaults at his precious face.

"So, as we go through these branches, I want you to close your eyes."

"Huh? Why?" gosh he's stubborn as always, you think.

"just! please! or else I'll do it myself with my hands!"

"Okay okay" He finally closes his eyes. You firmed the grip on his hand and dragged him ahead, moving a few bushes and branches with your free hand.

"Okay" you sigh "You can open them now"

Taehyun's big eyes, grew bigger than ever and sparkled more than ever at the sight.

It was a giant tree, decorated with all sorts of confetti, ribbons, balloons, streamers and lights. One of the big branches had a swing attached to it, The swing was also adorable. There was a wide and thick picnic blanket spread across the grass. There was Large carving of yours and Taehyun's initials on the tree trunk. There were even Polaroids of you and Taehyun with tiny sticky notes next to them, bearing sweet messages, stuck on the tree.

It was absolutely beautiful and the most breath taking scene ever.

"So...what do you think?" You ask, expecting some words from your awe-struck boyfriend

"I...I don't know what to say.." Taehyun's eyes glimmered, almost a bit too much. Was he actually.... crying?!

"Taehyun are you-"

He interrupted you by lifting you in the air and twirling you around. "It's amazing. it's the best thing anyone has ever did for me! I love it so much!" He beamed.

His face was flushed and eyes were watery, surprisingly, but he had definitely teared up. Still you didn't ask about it as to not embarrass him and ruin the mood.

"I'm glad you like it!" you wrap your arms around his neck, leaning in closer.

"Like it? I love it! I love you!" Upon saying that, he immediately connected your lips, you're fluttering with affection.

The two of you, after hugging and kissing a bit more, finally settled down on the picnic blanket to enjoy the spread of lunch you had prepared. His compliments were endless, even if he wasn't a talkative person, he just couldn't stop expressing his love for you again and again.

"Love, please, would you tell me why all this special treatment you're giving me today? I'm so grateful for it but come on, there has to be something right?!"

"Why? I did it because you deserve it so much my dearest tyun!"

"that's not what I-"

You laugh. "fine fine, I'll tell you why I decided to do all of this, today, especially"

He leans in closer to listen attentively.

"So Taehyun, ready for the big reveal? Today is the anniversary of....'I was almost about to break up with you but I'm so glad I didn't and not doing so was the best decision I ever made' Surprise!"

His mouth was left hung open, unsure of how to feel about that information.

"Oh... really? why don't I remember that..."

You frown. "Geez Taehyun! unromantic as always!"

"Huh??" He's left more perplexed making you burst into laughter at his cute reactions.

"I'm kidding! and technically, it's the anniversary of our first kiss as well so it's on you for forgetting about that!" you give a light punch to his shoulder and he scrunches his face to give a fake dramatic reaction.

"Okay okay I'm sorry for not remembering, I suppose I have to kiss you to commemorate the occasion, so?"

"Hmm. You may." you shrug jokingly, receiving a laugh from him.

He leans in for a soft kiss, and a lot more.

But deep down you knew that you thought of this day as something else really, It was one of the biggest reliefs of your life, for not breaking up with Taehyun. Or that would've definitely been the worst kind of mistake as he's the best person you've ever met and loved and will continue to love forever.

A/n : Thank you so much for reading till the end and I hope you enjoyed this fic!

Thursday's child has far to go is one of my favourite TXT songs so I decided to kind of base a fic on it!

Btw if you saw my last post on here, I finally figured out how to use italics (turns out you can do it on Tumblr itself and I was just very stupid)

Anyways, I hope you have a nice day! And comments, critisism and feedback are highly appreciated! <3

#Spotify #tomorrow x together #txt imagines #txt post #txt fluff #soobin #yeonjun #beomgyu #taehyun #hueningkai #txt #txt x reader #taehyun fluff #taehyun imagines #taehyun fanfic #kang taehyun #txt taehyun #taehyun x reader #taehyun x y/n #taehyun x you #taehyun angst #taehyun au #taehyun drabble #txt drabbles #kang taehyun fluff #kang taehyun fic #taehyun fic #txt edits

[system-of-a-feather]

I’ll bite… why do you feel like endos are real? As they do claim to have a trauma disorder just without the trauma which to me seems pretty ableist or at least disrespectful to DID/OSDD systems.

(LONG POST WARNING)

Well to start, most aren't claiming to have a trauma disorder / DID / OSDD but rather that they experience themselves as more than one and I don't believe that DID / OSDD holds sole ownership to the ability to experience oneself as more than one. A lot of endogenic people knew about their experiences as more than one before really even knowing DID / OSDD existed (or at least past the stigma of "Multiple Personality Disorder" that has no implications to trauma because ya know). I think the term "endogenic" has implications that do a disservice to the group as it kind of implicates innately the idea that trauma is the only inherent way to exist and experience oneself as more than one, when honestly I firmly believe that is not the case.

As to why I firmly believe that it is not the case that trauma and DID/OSDD is not the only way to experience oneself as more than one, there are a number of perspectives I can offer.

From a discussion of the theory of structural dissociation (ToSD) / academic stand point...

the ToSD is not a "Theory" like Gravity and Evolution. The name is actually misleading as it is using Theory in a more colloquial sense; the ToSD when talked about in almost all literature that I've read that references it talks about it as a >model<. The difference between a theory and a model is large.

A theory is something that is constantly and reliably able to be a solid means of not only understanding the world but also predicting large phenomenon. There have been multiple active attempts to disprove it or find flaws in it and none of which have worked. They're age old and have been proven day in and day out to have reliably accounted for every form of discrepancy - at least on a majorly applicable level (as even Gravity seems to have its confusing mishaps when you get to the very high level stuff that I won't even pretend to understand in the slightest as I'm not a physicist).

A model on the other hand is something that is used to best understand, navigate, and conceptualize a concept - often for more practical usage. A model is designed to usually specifically target a specific definition of a phenomenon and experience - and in this case "the dissociation of self of individuals who have experienced trauma and how that causes the phenomenon of alters and dissociated parts". It is not making claims about "the only way for people to experience themselves as more than one" because 1) models don't really intend to be fool proof, they attempt to practically explain and describe an experience in a way that is helpful to apply practically (ie in theraputic practice); by this very nature, the models are suggesting a base framework that often apply and help people who match the specific definition of the phenomenon it is meant to address (ie clients that have gone through trauma and likely have dissociated parts) and 2) the theory is addressing individuals who experience themselves as more than one due to a history of trauma and how that trauma then results in the brain dissociating from itself for survival. It is NOT addressing "all of humanity and human experiences and psychological experiences" - it is just discussing how trauma affects the brain to develop alters. The two discussions and topics are very different and in an academic setting have EXTREMELY different requirements.

Additionally, an issue with the ToSD is that while its a great model for people who have DID/OSDD, it's a laughable theory and hypothesis in most psychological fields that are a lot more into more solid and quantifiable measures. I've actually talked with one of the people that had done research that basically paved the way for children's testimonies of CSA to be taken seriously and accepted in court about the ToSD and they poorly withheld a laugh on the topic. Same said person had actually talked and known either Van Der Hart or Van Der Kolk (they didn't remember which one exactly) and all that. What I got from the conversation with them was that, yes the ToSD works beautifully as a clinical model and it helps a lot of clinicians understand and help people with DID/OSDD navigate their experiences, but the ToSD in a non-clinical academic setting makes SO many assumptions that are absolutely not backed by current more "harder" psychological research that its funny.

There is a LONG list of issues with the assumptions ToSD makes on an academic setting that make it a joke to those on a more non-clinical academic setting but here are a few:

What the FUCK is a "dissociative barrier"? Yes on a clinical sense we know what that is, but where is a "dissociative barrier" in terms of neurology and neurobiology? What functions in memory (both theoretical and physical) actually work to be a "dissociative barrier"? What mechanisms in the brain make it possible? What is a dissociative barrier in terms of developmental psychology and developmeental psychopathology? How is it that trauma manages to "make a dissociative barrier" in children? What concepts of developmental psychology and memory / identity development actually are in play to make this "dissociative barrier"?

Do people even have consciousness - or - more realistically asked, are people actually conscious or do we just feel as if we are conscious? (<- very hot topic in consciousness research in more neuroscience based fields) And assuming we DO have a consciousness, what and where is that located and how does consciousness work on a physiological level in a typically developing child as opposed to a person who experienced trauma? Assuming THAT is figured out, how do we know that that trauma is the only thing that could have caused the consciousness to develop atypically? Additionally, ask all those questions AGAIN for the concept and idea of "identity" as consciousness and identity are two different research topics. Assuming that we DO NOT have a consciousness, how does the false experience of consciousness work and why do we experience it like that? Following from that, why is it that trauma can disrupt and warp that false experience? Additionally, how does it disrupt and warp that false experience? And again, how do we know that trauma is the only thing that can cause that disruption / warping to occur?

My FAVORITE and most frustrating one, but how do we even know we ACTUALLY forget things and what is the mechanism for forgetting things? What IS forgetting? Do we loose neuronal pathways when we forget and is the information truly just gone? Do we just struggle to find the information and thus we fail to recall the information? Then again, all the obvious "okay then how does this mechanism of forgetting get disrupted and warped by trauma".

(added this while writing the third perspective but) How does the modern development and factor of internet usage affect dissociation and any of these mechanisms of developing identity, self, consciousness, memory, etc? How does this new factor impact other neurodivergencies and mental health conditions in regards to that?

None of those questions are well addressed to a standard of research that most non-clinical fields consider ANYWHERE near valid or qualified to make any level of generalizing statements.

I personally largely identify and intend to go into research for developmental psychology / psychopathology after I sort things out in my life some and I LOVE these questions. I have a lot of my own hypothesis as to how those questions are answered and my hypothesis on how those mechanisms are disrupted / develop in children who experience trauma have me almost 100% certain that there are other mechanisms to developing dissociated states of self.

Of course, I'm withholding that from this portion of the discussion because those hypothesises are not founded and again, just sitting in my head rent free until I get to actually research them myself. (Which I do entirely plan to do when I figure my life out more)

From a cultural / spiritual / philosophical standpoint...

The claim that everyone normally experiences themselves as "one" unless trauma occurs seems really honestly White / Western / Christian-centric to me and the idea that the only way to experience themselves as anything other than "the normal experience and development of one person" is to have horrible trauma just... really leaves a shitty taste in my mouth as a person of color.

A large number of non-white non-christian/catholoic centered cultures that have a large emphasis on "the singular soul and repentance" and all that shit have cultural norms and beliefs that already state that it is not weird at all to experience yourself as more than one. As in, there are cultures that ALREADY experience themselves as more than one that have been doing so for AGES before DID/OSDD and hell even MPD were even suggested; ages before the field of psychology was even born.

I personally have a large problem with the claim that people have to have trauma to experience themselves as more than one as it comes off as a very colonizer perspective to experiences that do not inherently have any harm in them (ie experiencing oneself as more than one). Experiencing oneself as more than one (or I guess technically less than one) is something that can be pretty central to a lot of non-white/western cultural experiences and are just an innate part of how they live and life. To state that the only way people can have their culture is to be traumatized (which is the indirect claim being made when the claim that the only way to experience oneself as more than one is through trauma) is just... really disgusting and white-colonizer brained.

Personally, as a Buddhist, I inherently don't subscribe to the idea that there even is a "me" and a "you". I inherently believe that the concept of "being one person" is a means of suffering that people benefit from unlearning as the concept of identity and self does little more than restrict our natural means of existing and thus causes large suffering. As a result, I don't see myself or anyone else as "more or less" than one because the concept, in my spiritual-philosophical-cultural perspective, is not real and anything reinforcing it is not really dpoing anyone huge favors. As a result, I think everyone is everything and everyone is parts of a whole of everything. I think we experience ourselves as one because that is part of the natural expression of our existence. I also think we experience ourselves as more than one because - sometimes - that is just a natural expression of our existence. I ALSO think we experience ourselves as more than one because sometimes that is a good way to understand our natural selves and learn from the parts we are otherwise more disconnected from. A part of Buddhist practice is the dismantling of this concept of self and moving your perception of self away from the way you experience life and the world.

At the place where I am in my practice, the very essence of syscourse is really kind of silly to me because it's like arguing about the color of the blue-black / white-gold dress. Talking and debating it and investigating the question can lead good insights into our experiences and how we approach them, but in the end of the day, the thing we are discussing is an illusion and the effects it has on us and why we see it that way and its not really something any more important or impactful or worth sweating over than a fun thought experiment.

From an advocate standpoint...

A large part of the people who are endogenic are people who are also neurodivergent and/or experiencing notable mental health issues - those of which are not fully 100% investigated into how they affect the development of large topics like self, memory, etc. AND are very diverse and complex experiences. I don't think we should be telling someone who thinks that their experiences of being more than one is tied to their neurodivergency or other mental health conditions that they are wrong and should experience themselves differently - especially since dissociation is honestly pretty prominent in the AuDHD branch of disorders and I personally think it is hard to conclusively say that some level of experiencing oneself as more than one is related to having AuDHD. (not saying that it is either, just that its such a large topic that needs more exploration before I'd feel confident saying that AuDHD doesn't cause some form of experiences that one might experience as being more than one).

I personally see very little purpose and value within infighting of mentally ill groups and clusters when almost every disorder needs more research - particularly in a lens that is not white-western centered and interested in a more sociological / cultural lens.

I find no threat in people experiencing themselves as more than one as someone who has DID / OSDD anymore than I feel threat at otherkin for experiencing themselves as a non-human as someone who acts, lives, and behaves like a bird because of trauma and because I was largely raised by birds (and arguably because I'm autistic but thats one of those things you can't 100% be sure I would have been like without trauma). The reason I am "basically a bird" is entirely due the circumstance of my trauma and how I was raised and that certainly sucks (though I do enjoy it and find it a beneficial part of my life), but that doesn't mean that I don't share some experiences with people that identify as a bird for fun, for cultural reasons, for spiritual reasons, or due to another neurodivergency

Just generally speaking...

I love to see people expressing themselves in unique ways and honestly specifically in ways that do not conform to "normal" society. I think its really cool and neat that people express themselves how they like and express themselves in ways that challenge pointless and/or unnecessary social rules and norms and I believe the norm of being a "consistent singular individual in society" and just general individualism is honestly just such an unnecessary social norm.

This isn't really one of my large points because I say this with a lot less of a firm and full chest cause I do draw a line with the transID stuff (no I will not be taking discourse on that) but like.. generally speaking, I really love to see the dismantling of the concept that people have to be a "consistent singular individual" around me. For a number of reasons - all three main ones off the top of my head being my views as a person with opinions on academic-research regarding the topic, as a POC Buddhist, and as someone who just would like to stand in solidarity to all mental-oddities - I think it is a really important and productive thing to see the social norm of individuality to be changed from a "norm" to one of my options.

I think a large issue people have with endogenics and what not is that they're "cringe" or "making people with DID/OSDD look like jokes" and while thats a valid feeling to have and people with DID/OSDD aren't "wrong" for feeling that way, I think its largely a miss directed feeling that follows the same flaws of almost any other "respectability politics" and advocates that push for assimilation rather than acceptance in society.

In this sense, I actually like to see endos as having a similar goal of making it so that people don't assume that being more than one is inherently a mental illness which BY THE WAY, as someone who is act final fusion / functional multiplicity / late stage DID recovery, is INCREDIBLY important to me as I am not inherently experiencing a severe mental illness when my severe mental illness is largely considered "in remission / remissed" just because I choose to still experience myself as more than one.

Plus, yeah, some of them are cringe (/affectionate) but I honestly think people need to be unapologetically cringier anyways for society to grow and get over a lot of its prejudices so like, yeah maybe that type of "cringe" isn't my cup of tea but its still an ally in my ideal cringification of society /hj (plus people with DID/OSDD can be cringe too and I clap for them as well)

As a whole, I think accepting endogenics as a valid experience to have is progress to a better more accepting, less white-western centric, happy world as well as one that actually is a safe place for people who are in late stage DID/OSDD recovery to feel free to experience their disorder in whatever way is natural, safest, and works best for them.

It's honestly hard to be pro-functional mulitiplicity and anti-endo on practical sense in my opinion as someone who is At That Place because functional multiplicity kind of requires you do detatch the experience of being more than one from the inherent disorder that caused it and once you kind of get to that point.... its just really hard to still see the anti-endo perspective as it becomes really apparent that there really are some benefits to NOT TRAUMA COPING of experiencing yourself as more than one.

But anyways, I've been writing for an hour and a half so I'll leave it there. I wish I had a better way to tie this up but... *shrugs*

#alter: fei #alter: riku #pro endo #pro-endo #endo safe #endo friendly #pro endogenic #endogenic #syscourse #discourse #syscourse tw #ask #asks #long post

[prince-liest]

oh my god…. prince……. you can’t do this to me. you’re saying next fic has vox getting fucked, focuses on vox’s transness (AH), AND ALSO HES ON THE OFF SEE SAW OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH VAL?????? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MEE?!!?!!????? I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY COMBUST. and bc another anon asked abt how alastor views the violence in voxval’s relationship, i have Another thought on the matter. as much as alastor looks down on vox, they can be Very similar sometimes. they are both egomaniacs and very prideful. i don’t think vox, without outside interference, would ever ADMIT that the violence he faces is 1) something he truly hates AND 2) out of his control. he can’t admit he hates it, because then why isn’t he stopping it? that would be admitting to not being powerful enough or strong enough. and hello, 50’s toxic masculinity coming through, he CANT be a victim of domestic violence. he’s a powerful, rich, and important man. it all comes down to perceived weakness. so, the solution is to pretend he’s mostly fine with it. sure, he can act disgruntled and upset in the moment, but i don’t think he’d ever let himself take it seriously. because then he has to start drawing lines in the sand, and what happens then? will val look down on him? will he lose val? yeah, he is not risking that over a problem he mostly refuses to acknowledge exists. and as you said, this is all happening in the setting of hell, where ultra violence IS the norm, and vox himself is excessively violent. it’s the most delicious 50 layer cake of fucked up-ness.

RANT ASIDE THO. i have a question. 2. do you ever plan on having vox interact with the hotel crew outside of angel? ANDDDD what would charlie’s reaction be to their friendship/situationship/ kinda love affair. i think she could add SOOOOO much hilarity and Intense Emotions to this series. not that the boys haven’t been doing their part in that so far. charlie just intensifies everything she does, god bless her. -🌓

The "getting fucked" bit and the trans conversation bit are directly related to and relevant to each other, and frankly I'm just very happy to be out here writing the specific flavors of deeply queer shenanigans that I'm writing, and to have people actively enjoy that. It genuinely means a lot to me that I've strayed so goddamn far out of the bounds of good old top/bottom yaoi archetypes that introduced me to fandom and yet have a wildly enthusiastic audience nonetheless. So, that was my long way of saying that you bring me a lot of fucking joy, anon, hahaha.

As for everything you're saying about Vox, power, and masculinity: YOU! points dramatically at you YOU GET IT! YOU GET IT!!!!!! Everyone just read this, this is it, this is the thing. I have no notes to add. There is a reason that the main point he raises the moment he actually says something vulnerable about it (before he immediately cuts himself off) is a complaint that he's an overlord, so why—?

And with regards to your questions: I'm not gonna lie, my actual planning for 666 is usually, like, extremely by the seat of my pants. I plan nothing except, "Oh, shit, had an idea for the next one. Lesgoooo—" and that's been the case for literally every single installment. It's all just been evolving naturally and building on top of itself. So! I can't say that I plan to have Vox interact with the hotel crew or Charlie, but I also will never say that I'm actively opposed to it.

That said, I do think a lot of this fic is kinda structured around hitting specific topics that come up in intimate settings between Vox and Alastor specifically, with occasional tag-ins from Angel Dust, so I don't really know if there's anything in particular I'd like to write that I think would work better in this series if more characters got involved. But, hey! Never say never!

#ask #personal #half moon anon #long post #hazbin hotel #radiostatic #666 live on air #I do agree with you I adore Charlie and in particular I adore her weird relationship with Alastor #actually before I decided to not make this COMPLETELY unhealthy I had a very very different idea for how to write the rut fic #involving basically Alastor getting pressured and also compulsory allonormativity-ing himself into having sex with Vox #and THAT outline DID involve abso-fucking-lutely everybody sticking their noses into the situation in deep deep alarm #Charlie Angel Husk and even fucking Lucifer showed up #but uh that was also the version of this series that ended with the radiostatic relationship pretty well nuked so #ended up NOT writing the “bad end” edition LOL #maybe one day I'll write it as an AU or something when I feel like upsetting absolutely everyone including myself #my writing #nsft

[silverskye13]

Kinda a random thing that I think that I'd like to see your opinion on. In terms of the Undertale soundtrack Wels has ASGORE vibes where as Helsknight has the vibes of the kickstarter version. The offical is in a higher octave (is that the right word??) and is slightly more fast paced, where the kickerstarter is in a lower octave and is slower paced. They're so so similar yet different. Just like Wels and Helsknight.

Ahaha oh anonnnnn you can't seriously be asking me Undertale related questions for my current favorite blorbos! Haha I don't even like Undertale! And I definitely don't still actively listen to the soundtrack because that's soooooo 2015 haha. I definitely am not in danger of falling back into my brainrot for it at even the slightest provocation whatsoever. Haha. Ha. Haa..............

[I'm allowed to lie, because I am not a knight.]

ANYWAY WHAT A GREAT PICK. Asgore definitely definitely carries their musical vibes. I will say! I would probably choose a little differently.

I would probably give Helsknight Asgore, and I would give Welsknight Heartache.

[a lot a lot a lot of Undertale song rambling under the cut, including songs for the rest of the cast, because I've maybe definitely thought about this before]

So! Why Heartache & Asgore in particular: they capture the same leitmotifs, thus keeping them thematically appropriate for each other. And alongside your idea that Helsknight's song would probably be a little slower, a little more ponderous and heavy than Welsknight's song, I think Asgore and Heartache captures that feeling.

Welsknight with Heartache: Alongside sharing leitmotifs with Asgore, Heartache also has an altogether more uplifting sound. For one thing, there is a longer lead in to the real start of the song, the idea of stalling, or performing. There is a lot of upshifting chords, a lot of cymbals to punctuate the ends of refrains. There is the sense that what is being done is inherently heroic and purposeful. This also pairs pretty well with Toriel's intent with the fight, where the song comes from. She's not here to hurt you. She's here to protect you, and this is the only way she knows how. It reflects Welsknight in the story [though we haven't seen much of him yet] as someone who is performing greatness, but maybe doesn't grasp the grim realities behind picking up a sword. He's protective because a knight is supposed to be, but hasn't hit the painful wall of actually having to protect something that might be doomed, that might take effort and still be lost in the end.

Helsknight with Asgore: Asgore's theme is heavy and ponderous. There is the implication of trumpets and timpani, homage to thunderstorms and marching armies. During the leitmotif it shares with Heartache, there is a heavy beat, like marching feet. It fuels the idea of inevitability, of marching towards a horizon that is unavoidable and necessary. It echoes Asgore's character, someone forced to fight, because in his world, there is no other way. Someone will die and someone will live. This is the way of the world. But there is still heroism there, a bridge that implies a greater good is at stake, if you can only figure out how to reach it.

Tango and Tanguish: Similar to the Hels/Wels special above, I think Tango and Tanguish would also have linked songs, so I pitch "Spear of Justice" for Tango and "Battle Against a True Hero" for Tanguish. Yada yada yada leitmotifs. But! The very fun and interesting thing about the leitmotifs for Undyne's songs in Undertale, is that they also include elements of Waterfall, the song for the area she's found in. In the same way, Tango and Tanguish are our main vectors for viewing both the world, and how the helsmet/hermit relationships work. They are our inherent tie to the world of the story.

Tango with Spear of Justice: Spear of Justice is a very brash, upbeat song, which matches the recklessness of his personality in the story. He is bold in his decisions, and bold in his use of Tanguish. Several times he puts his own physical needs and comforts above the comforts of his double, and recklessly ignores the cautions his other half gives. It's not that he's trying to be cruel, it's that in his world, things don't have nearly so high of stakes. He's allowed to be reckless, and doesn't understand why, because Tanguish is around, he can't. These reckless overtures do, however, cover up a cowardice that the descending repeats of the chorus and the bridge suggest. There is something guarded under the surface of this song, a vulnerability he doesn't admit to -- that by forcing his double to charge forward, he's giving himself an excuse to hide. [in the context of undertale, this song works to set up for you, the player, the idea that Undyne is a fight you can't win in a conventional way. She will chase you down every time you run. It's only when she's forced to be weak, and in that weakened state receive your help, that she realizes maybe she should rethink her actions in pursuing you.]

Tanguish with Battle Against a True Hero: This song is, at the outset, maybe a little strong for our best boy, but hear me out. The lead in to the song is a promise, the soft breath in before a hard and dogged commitment. Much like Asgore, there is a heavy beat to this song, but one that feels almost like an irregular heartbeat or running footsteps. There is a feeling of rush in this song, of heroism because there is no other choice, of dogged determination through hardship, because someone has to endure, and you're alive aren't you? There is also a soft, thoughtful bridge in this song, where everything slows down right before the final push, which is one of Tanguish's strong suits in the story. He is a thinker and a runner, and when he slows down to think, he can really cut to the core of people. This very thoughtful bridge also feels regretful -- no one likes it when the runner, the thinker, the peacekeeper must decide to stand their ground and fight. It means they're the last one able to. [In the context of the game, this song plays during your battle with Undyne the Undying, the darkest timeline, where you are trying to destroy the world, and Undyne is the last hope for monster kind. It is quintessential brick wall, I will stand in your way kind of music, because literally no one else can. If you kill her, you spend the rest of the game trivializing every other boss battle until you get to the final boss and Megalovania plays. Her death scene is the most tragic one you have to go through imo. Sans and his "Papyrus do you want anything?" line be damned. You watch Undyne fall to dust, trying desperately to pull herself together until she can't anymore, saying over and over again it can't be over. She can't have failed. She has to be strong enough. Why, why isn't she strong enough? Always felt like the fandom did her a disservice smh.]

Hi! Are you tired of me picking linked songs yet? Oh whoops too bad.

Dummy! for Martyn and Death by Glamour for Red: Both of these songs are for! Ghosts! Ghosts finding bodies in another place and, in some instances, ghosts using those bodies to start a new life. They also share some musical themes. There are undercurrents in Dummy!, a very jazzy song, that reappear in Death by Glamour as a more pop-rock vibe, so they're harder to hear but still share a musical link.

Martyn with Dummy!: This song is just. Such a fun romp. There's a little jazz, a little chiptune, and a little bit of spite. It has just enough "I'm chill I'm chill don't worry about it" and "It's on sight motherfucker!" to really zest up a song. It feels like the kind of music Martyn could knife fight to, or rant to, and carries that manic, barely contained energy he seems to always take with him. There is a bridge in this one, but the slow beat isn't thoughtful. Instead its the building jaunt into the next part of the song, a drum beat that gets louder and added onto, and it feels relentless in a fun way. The ending phrases almost seem to suggest this whole thing has been a joke, a little shrug off as the character walks away, in the same way Martyn uses jokes and nonchalance to shrug off the danger he projects at people. [In the game, Dummy is seeking revenge over a misunderstanding. It is protecting its cousin, who it thinks you've robbed of a corporeal form, something all ghosts want. It is a spiteful little goober who ambushes you just when you think you're free of a fight with Undyne. It's a bafoonish fight, with a character who says the iconic phrase, "Who needs friends when you have knives!!!" before throwing the only knife it has and ruefully admitting, "Uhm... I'm all out of knives..."]

Red with Death By Glamour: So, I'm gonna be honest, we haven't seen a lot of Red in the story, and we're not going to see too much of him, but I need you to understand, as soon as he hits the arena sand, he becomes as dramatic and over-the-top as his other half in hermitcraft. He isn't a drama king, he's a drama Red King. There's a difference. We won't see a lot of that. What we will see a lot of though, is his steadfast determination to protect the things he thinks are important. Checking in on the various cast members, being undaunted in the face of adversity, and also being the loud supporter of his right hand man. [In Undertale, Death By Glamour is Mettaton's theme, when he finally goes to fight you. Most of his fight is a performance, you're trying to survive while getting people to like you, because Mettaton's idea of saving the world is being entertaining as hell. Later, however, you learn another very interesting and hidden facet of Mettaton's character: he's Alphys's only friend. And while, yes, he is using her to get the body he wants, he is also trying his best to be a good friend, which includes making her the hero of her own narrative, until it grates on his nerves a little too much.]

Evil Beezuma with His Theme: There is something soft and hopeful about EB in RnS. We're still getting to know him, but what we have seen of him so far shows a character who cares very deeply, and who has enacted great change in himself. He's kind to newcomers, believes in hospitality and paying people in kind, and we can only assume if he's stuck by Helsknight this long, its because he's repaying something. He keeps reminding Helsknight he doesn't have to be a one man army, that he needs to remember there are people around him who care, and he sees in Tanguish a vector to remind the knight about that. Maybe he can't fix Helsknight's problems, but Tanguish might, so now Tanguish is one of his people. That's how the Colosseum works after all, we're all links in one big chain, holding each other together. His Theme carries that hopeful aura. It's an orchestral remake of a song whose throughline transcends many character themes and loading screen backgrounds. It's an idea that's deeply important, and it's not until you get to the end of the game that you find out why. EB also, has broken his cycle with his hermit. That's not something we know much about right now, but he represents a hope that is hard to achieve but possible, if we can just figure out how. [His Theme in Undertale appears at the end of the Asriel Dreamurr fight, when we're carding through flashbacks of Asriel as a child, and finding out just what exactly his deal is. We realize the reason his theme is in so much of the game is because he and his sibling are the reason the world is the way that it is right now. They were the last hope, and they failed. Now, maybe you can help them succeed, finally, after all the heartbreak their loss caused.]

The Demon with Your Best Nightmare MEGALOVANIA: wait waIT WAIT COME BACK HEAR ME OUT. We all know megalovania. We all know why it got so popular. We all know it probably fueled half of Sans's meteoric rise to Tumblr Sexyman status. But just, hear me out here, lets pretend for a second Megalovania hasn't become the meme of the century and really break down what it's got going on. Megalovania is, at its core, a fight song. This isn't even its first iteration. Toby Fox has used this song in just about every major project he's worked on -- for good reason. It's a heavy hitting song. There is a feeling of vindictiveness in this version specifically, the idea of someone very strong, and very angry, and very ruthless. The guitar riffs, the minor key, the many stair-step drops, make the song feel like a descent. You're going down, literally, musically, relentlessly. The song feels like dodging bullets, like you're sitting on a knife edge, and like the unpredictability of it might be the death of you. Similarly, the Demon is a dark, vindictive, almost one-note character. He probably has depth, he probably has a reason to be the way that he is, but it doesn't really matter to the characters in the plot. What matters is he's a known dangerous and vindictive person. Our first introduction to him as an idea, is the knowledge that not only does he kill thieves, he pursues them, makes their lives a living hell. And now, one of the main characters owes him a favor. [So, one thing I always thought was kind of underplayed with Sans, was just how vindictive of a character he was. For good reason -- if you get to his fight, you've done a lot of shit. You went out of your way to be evil, as evil as someone can be in a fictional world. And Sans, a character who's seen a short peak behind the curtain, even admits to you that he's pretty sure nothing matters and he shouldn't be here fighting you. So... why is he? He keeps insisting throughout his fight that this is pointless. You're going to win someday, sometime. He's just making it harder for you. But he's still here, still making you replay his fight a thousand times, for hours and hours. There's something to be said about deciding, in your final moments at the end of the world, that the only thing you think is worth doing, is making someone else's life a living hell. Even someone who deserves it.]

#the barking writer #answering asks #redstone and skulk #undertale #anonymous #tanguish #helsknight #uhhhhh i'm not tagging the rest because i don't want to clutter everyone's tags #enjoy my buckwild rambles anon #rns asks

[snootlestheangel]

The brain rot is attacking me so I’m sharing the love

GazRoach but with Asexual Roach

Yay, more brainrot!!

I'm going with the idea that Roach is a burn victim and so he sometimes he has issues feeling comfortable in his skin (cause I just cannot unsee him as such because of all the beautiful art and writings I've seen depicting him as such). This has nothing to do with his asexuality, he was ace before the accident!

(also somehow fucked up the formatting and deleted two whole questions and the answers so like sorry if the first few questions are kinda rushed. I was mad at myself cause I had already written the answers just to immediately delete them)

Who was the one to propose? Gaz. It was the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful thing and Roach refused to stop hugging him.

Who stressed more over wedding planning? Roach probably. He wants Gaz to have the best wedding ever, but Gaz couldn't care less about the circumstances, just the fact he gets to marry his best friend :)

Who decorated the house? Gaz has style and it definitely started out as him, but Roach keeps bringing in little knick-knacks so eventually, there are rooms where guests can tell Roach had a hand in it's decor

Who does the cooking? Both can cook pretty decently, so typically they take turns. However, Roach often cooks more than Gaz. I don't know why, I just feel like Roach, even though he's a menace, can really whip up some gourmet shit.

Who is more organized? Roach, actually. Gaz is plenty organized, as a result of years being in the military and needing to keep his shit tidy, but Roach is the actual organized one. Yeah, he's bug boy, bugs have very complex systems and maintain those with diligence. -Roach's motto

Who suggested kids first? Gaz, probably. They don't think they ever will have kids, but Gaz is the one to ask about it first.

Who's the big cuddler? Gaz, but sometimes he gets banished to the floor when Roach feels constricted.

Who's the big spoon/little spoon? Gaz is little spoon. Whatever you do, don't imagine Roach burying his face in between Gaz's shoulders after a really tough day and just holding onto Gaz like he's his very lifeline (he is), and don't picture Gaz humming a little bit cause he knows the vibrations calm Roach down. Don't imagine them falling asleep like this, don't imagine Gaz staying in bed well past the time he should all because Roach is sleeping so peacefully, still wrapped around him.

Favorite non-sexual activity? Everything. They're such adrenaline junkies, despite their traumas, and like to push each other. They're actually working on Gaz's absolute terror of heights, bit by bit. Gaz wants to be able to ride a roller-coaster again without having flashbacks :')

Who comes home drunk at 3am? I don't see either of them being really heavy drinkers like this, if I'm being honest. Unless Soap is there and offers to drive both back to their place, neither really gets drunk.

Who kills the spiders? Gaz wants to kill them but Roach refuses to let him. Bugs are friends :) *Roach is very much committed to the bit*

Who falls asleep first? Gaz. I feel like he's so normal about things like that. Like he can just easily fall asleep, whereas Roach is laying there thinking about that ant he stepped on earlier.

A head-canon? Roach, being a burn victim, has a pretty tough time every now and then feeling like he fits in his skin. It doesn't help he's definitely got some Sensory Processing Issues, and so sometimes he really wants to claw off his skin. His burns do cover a good portion of his torso and upper legs. Sometimes when people give him a hard time about being ace, cause we all know there's those assholes, he just uses the excuse of his burns to make them uncomfortable. He came out ace well before the incident, but we all know he's not been taken seriously until he started blaming it on the incident. The two are still pretty intimate with each other; Roach loves when Gaz applies the creams/meds to his scarring, mostly cause the whole time Gaz is whispering praise in his ear, saying how proud he is, how pretty Roach is, etc. Not to mention, some of the places are hard for him to reach, and there's scarring up near his crotch (which is incredibly uncomfortable on Roach's bad days when he's reminded a lot of his skin isn't technically his own and he's overtly aware of the sensation of Gaz's hands on him), and so sometimes there's a lot of reassurance on both sides, from Roach saying he's good to keep going, and from Gaz to say "just a bit more, Bug, okay? You're doing good" Roach adores Gaz's physique, and is constantly photographing him; there's so many photos of Gaz in all sorts of different circumstances. The fall/cozy sweater pictures that are scattered around the flat, the ones of Gaz in the snow, or shirtless in the bright summer sun just looking like he's thriving. There's a secret stash of all of the nudes Roach has taken of Gaz. They're all so artistic and beautiful and non-sexualized photos of Gaz just simply ~Existing~ and those photos are Roach's most prized possessions. Roach just loves when Gaz isn't wearing clothes in general, and he's definitely stealing all his shirts so Gaz has 'no choice' but to walk around shirtless. Roach's favorite time of year is gray sweatpant season cause he gets the perfect view of Gaz's hips, the lines leading down and disappearing underneath his pants, the way Roach can still see the very minute dimples on Gaz's lower back, just visible above his pants.

Do they have any "rituals"? Only the process of applying creams/meds to Roach's burn areas. Gaz puts on a whole theatric basically to help put Roach into a good mood, and Gaz has to have the right playlist, the right stuff to cover the rather unpleasant scent of the medication cream, etc. (this is kind of a stressful thing for Roach, he's still pretty sensitive in certain areas/easy to trigger cause the trauma is still relatively fresh)

Who has the most patience? Gaz, most definitely. He's still glaring at you if you're annoying him, but it'll take a while before he ever loses his cool. Roach is just feral :D

Gif that sums up the relationship?

The silliest of sillies :)

#I love them your honor #i love them so much #gazroach #roachgaz #kyle gaz garrick #gary roach sanderson #gaz headcanons #roach headcanons #gazroach headcanons #roachgaz headcanons #snootles's askbox #snootles answers

[drbased]

i've been reading your symbolic states tag and i'm both fascinated and relieved. i too am trying to live more in the real world and less in my head. a spark was struck when i read that i should be looking forward to the work of living, rather than dreaming of the symbolic sense of achievement i want.

do you have any tips/advice on getting out of that state? i find myself slipping back to it after a few days/weeks. how did you get out of it permanently?

i also want to hear your thoughts on social media's impact on us with regards to the symbolic state. social media is a literal continuous symbolic state that we are now all expected to participate in. how might we do it without succumbing to living/thinking symbolically?

actually, i would go so far as to state that social media has contributed directly to the current boom and celebration of unreal/symbolic ideals.

thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.

Thank you so much for this message 💖

This is, in short, my process:

learn to recognise what makes you feel uncomfortable. mentally trace back to recognise what has made you feel sad, angry etc. The more specific and granular and embarrassing you can recognise as the source of your negative emotional response, the more you're learning about your actual self and not some idealised version of you.

from that, start getting to know yourself. once again, the more granular and specific you can get, the better. instead of thinking 'I am smart', recognise 'I have good analytical skills that I developed during childhood because of x experience' etc. this will help you to stop categorising yourself as a certain type of person and instead will help you to have a healthier relationship with the traits that make up who you are.

before doing an activity, is your mental picture of yourself in the first or third person? because if it's the latter, try imagining yourself in the first person. if this feels humiliating and embarrassing, and the activity seems boring, you've learned something about what you actually like doing. get used to recognising that picturing yourself in the third person is a warning sign. the more you recognise the warning signs, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you can act authentically.

with a better picture of who you are, you're better at recognising what you actually want in the moment. I specify in the moment, because it's very easy to categorise yourself - I spent over a decade doing things because 'drbased would like this activity', as if I'm forced to behave according to someone's OC character sheet of myself. For example, when doing art projects, I feel as if I'm supposed to do a specific design because 'that's the kind of design drbased likes' - which actually makes the activity the opposite of creativity because I leave myself no room for the spontaneity of the human spirit; everything I do has to fit into a category. Recognising that I can just exist in the moment and not as part of some wider narrative has helped me immensely

learn to trust yourself - or, at least, humour yourself until you trust yourself. learning to humour myself is where this all started. I took myself and my point of view seriously, and as such was finally able to stop being embarrassed at being a human being. I approach everything from my own point of view now, and it's wild that I finally understand that that's what being human, being alive, existing is all about.

and here's the big one - or, rather, one continuous and contiguous chain of small ones - I have to actually do what I want, moment to moment. Since I lost the ability to recognise myself as a human being existing in the chain of cause-and-effect, I have to re-establish my relationship with said cause-and-effect. I have to re-attach some neurons, and the best way to do that is with consistent behaviour. I feel something I want to do, I have to do it instantly. The more of a gap I leave, the harder I make it in the long run. I still feel the tug of obligation stopping me from doing what I want to do instantaneously, so this is a long, perhaps a life-long journey for me. but I want that, no matter how exhausting it can get, because every moment I get to show myself love and prove just how serious I am about mending my relationship with myself. One very existentially terrifying thing I've learned is that the medium is the message - the very fact that you're making these gestures to yourself is something that your brain registers. And the simple fact, is, reality feels a lot better when you're directly engaging with it. It's tough, but it's incredibly rewarding and makes life better - remember, you only ever exist in the moment - so thinking of yourself as anything other than in the moment is a form of death of the self. Reinforcing yourself as part of the chain of causality is telling yourself you're alive and want to live.

Make no mistake: I am not completely out of it. I seriously damaged my relationship with my own self-hood and I am sure that I will always be struggling with this for the rest of my life. But how I frame my response to life's struggles is entirely different now - I am making this decision to engage with what I once percieved as the humiliation of mundane life because I can now recognise that for better or for worse, I'm the one living it. I'm the one feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts and doing the actions. I am the center of my entire perception of the universe, this life is literally my own. I used to think of myself as having some obligation/responsibility to other people and the universe itself - but now I recognise that responsibility is, like, an actual real thing, instead of just getting marks on a test. If I do something bad, that actually hurts real people; and likewise, doing something nice is good because real people benefit. The 'responsibility' comes once again from the equally comfortable and terrifying realisation of my place in the chain of cause-and-effect. As part of that chain, I may have caused irreparable damage to my psyche, but I'm not part of a narrative where I must seek to 'fix myself' - I'm just a human being, and I want to live the best life I can because feeling good feels good, and that's what I want for myself because I care about myself. If I have to spend the rest of my life constantly asking 'what do I actually want right now?' then so fucking be it - because the alternative is a low-level hell of depression and PDA.

I will talk about social media and symbolic states in a reblog of this another time. But I hope this helps - I'm getting better at writing down the stages of what I did to help myself, and it's incredibly gratifying, and the responses I get are validating.

#anon #symbolic states #wisdom posting