#i'm not a Dream expert but there's definitely emotions here

[hausofneptune]

songs that give the same energy as these aspects/placements [3]

[astro notes no. 009]

hey! i'm back with part three of this series bc i'm having far too much fun with these posts (click here for part one and part two). as a pisces sun/mercury i'm trying to use more upbeat songs and less of the "sad and yearning" ass songs i always listen to, as always keep in mind that the energy for these aspects/placements manifests differently for everyone. if y'all have any input, or music recommendations, feel free to let me know! ₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ. ༄.

disclaimers | masterlist | ask

18+, mdni

 ༊*·˚ ˗ aquarius in big 6 | uranus / saturn aspecting ascendant / sun | uranus / saturn in the 1H: alien superstar — beyonc��

mastermind in haute couture label whores can't clock, i'm so obscure masterpiece, genius, drip intravenous patty cake on that wrist tiffany blue billboards over that ceiling we don't like plain, always dreamed of paper planes mile-high when i rodeo then i come down and take off again

(alien superstar is literally the theme song for aquarians, uranians, and saturnians. i don't make the rules.) people with these placements typically grow up feeling ostracized by others and find it difficult to fit in with their peers, almost as though they’re “from another planet” in a sense, as their worldview completely contrasts with the perspectives of those around them. there’s usually something about them categorizes them as “different”, or even weird or eccentric in some cases. in the end, though, the things that make these natives “outcasts” are ultimately their greatest assets. i feel like people can conflate the restrictive nature of saturn so much so to the point where we forget that saturn is the ruler of time.

hence why over time saturnian people become experts in the areas of their life and personality that the planet is affecting. specifically, people with saturn aspecting the ascendant or sun, or with saturn in their 1H, typically struggle with self expression and their identity. they can also struggle in terms of feeling like the weight of the world is on their shoulders, due to being perceived as responsible and accountable for everything and everyone around them. fortunately, with age (and self-realization) that weight forges them into individuals who’s originality and self-assurance is something that’s admired, and potentially envied, by those around them. overall, these natives are pioneers within their fields, and more often than not the ones to set trends instead of following them.

 ༊*·˚ ˗ moon in the 12H (synastry): dreams — baby storme

they ask me "where have you been?" and i wanna say but they won't understand that i've been in my dreams i lay here all alone and watch the time go on i see you in my dreams and that's enough for me

12H synastry tends to be spiritual in nature. because the 12H houses the needs and desires that lay in our subconscious, when someone’s moon falls there it can often result in a connection that feels very “dreamy” in a sense, and can quite literally manifest as them showing up in your dreams. this can be especially impactful if you’re someone who has vivid, lucid dreams, as it can result in being able to visit the person you have this connection with in the astral realm, or vice versa. while this can be a very deep, soulful connection, it can also manifest as having an emotional connection with someone that feels too elusive at times.

if one or both people in this connection aren’t evolved enough in a spiritual sense to handle moon in the 12H synastry, it can definitely lead to feeling as though one or both people hide their feelings from the other, resulting in feelings of deceit or betrayal between the two. i feel like 12H synastry is very beautiful and deep when both parties can handle it (similar to 8H synastry), but it can be very difficult to energetically cut ties with someone that you have this synastry with.

༊*·˚ ˗ venus square / opposite mars (synastry / natal): modennaminute — smino ft. lucky daye, phoelix

i just bought you new cartiers now you crying in it and now it's hard to walk away 'cause we blind in it don't know when to quit, my love never should’ve crossed that line you said i’m the shit, my love then tell me i ain't shit, my love

in synastry, venus square or opposite mars can indicate both deep desire and attraction, as well as a love/hate relationship between the two natives. the square/opposition between these two planets can definitely ignite a passionate, sexual nature in this relationship, and can potentially influence one or both people (typically the mars person) to behave in possessive or jealous ways at times. specifically with the opposition, there can be a tug of war in terms of energy, and while having this aspect alone in a synastry chart isn't the end all be all (the entire chart, alongside the individual charts, must be considered), it has the potential to manifest as an on-again-off-again relationship.

with the square, there's more of a conflict in timing/tastes. while mars may be more aggressive or rough in their approach, it may turn venus off, as venus may want something more sensual and romantic. both parties typically have to sacrifice in some way shape or form and adapt to their partner's wants and needs for the relationship to work. in the natal chart, the square / opposition is indicative of someone who may struggle in love due to an inner conflict between their feminine/nocturnal and masculine/diurnal energies. these natives typically find it difficult to exist in relationships without turmoil, and may have to work towards balancing both the venus and mars energy they house within themselves.

༊*·˚ ˗ saturn / neptune / chiron in the 11H: friends that break your heart — james blake

and they tell you "just you wait it kills you, and only love can break you more the more you care and all, and all in love is fair" but it's not fair i have haunted many photographs in the background, in the fore and as many loves that have crossed my path in the end, it was friends it was friends who broke my heart

these placements are indicative of strife or struggle found in one’s ability to form and maintain connections to those around them. these natives usually have to put more effort in facilitating productive and healthy interpersonal relationships, and often feel a sense of "lack" in this area of their lives. those with neptune in the 11H specifically could find themselves in friendships where they feel blindsided or betrayed, or they may behave in ways that their friends perceive as being sneaky or deceptive. with chiron in the 11H, there can be negative experiences surrounding friendships or failed connections. saturn in the 11H can indicate feeling "rejected" or invisible in group settings, especially in youth.

these placements (specifically saturn) may also indicate social anxiousness and a tendency towards being more withdrawn. others may mischaracterize them as being rude or "too aloof", when in reality, these natives genuinely want to connect with others, but feel like they encounter obstacle after obstacle upon trying to do so. despite their challenges, these placements can end up being beneficial in the long run, as they can gift the native with the ability to empower their communities. they can be drawn towards careers where being able to connect with others, regardless of differences, is prioritized (i.e. politics, social work, community organizing, etc). the 11H is also the house of hopes and dreams, therefore someone with the more "progressed" side of these placements will typically feel that their soul's path is deeply ingrained in being able to help, protect, and provide for their loved ones, their community, and the collective at large.

༊*·˚ ˗ ruler of the 7H in 4H / 6H | venus / juno in the 10H: feathers and wax — vicktor taiwò

i'll help you grow we rise in feathers and wax, child don't stray too far we rise in feathers and wax, child i'll help you grow wings that won't burn in the hot sun can't watch you go we rise in feathers and wax, child

people with these placements are typically the types of lovers who seek partners who are reliable enough to build a stable foundation with, and are most drawn to relationships where they're able to build their partner up, and feel that effort reciprocated by their loved one as well. with the ruler of the 7H in the 4H, one's domestic life, family, and lineage is innately integrated into how they navigate partnerships. these natives tend to seek out a partner they feel safe enough to depend on, and may view building a family and a secure home as a high priority. with the ruler of the 7H in the 6H, there's a similar sense of wanting to build with one another, but less in regards to building a home/family and more so in regards to aiding one another in day-to-day responsibilities. these are usually the types who enjoy going to the gym with their partner, running errands with them, and are overall very keen on giving and receiving acts of service. they could also meet their spouse at work or want to work with them in terms of collaboration.

generally, venus in the 10H can manifest as being highly regarded in terms of one's profession, as well as being perceived in a positive light by one's peers. in regards to relationships, venus in the 10H can point to being drawn towards a partner that benefits your own reputation in someway shape or form. as a couple, they may receive a significant amount of attention from others, as the 10H rules the public. alongside juno in the 10H, these natives may meet their spouse in a professional setting, and could even end up working together and becoming business partners later on down the line. there's often a feeling of wanting to be both prosperous in one's own right, alongside wanting a partner that is just as successful and committed to building a life that is balanced, or is at least perceived that way by others.

༊*·˚ ˗ venus in taurus, leo, or libra | venus sextile / trine / conjunct jupiter: angels in tibet — amaarae

fountain baby, wash her, make it wet diamonds hit the sweat tattoo on her chest i like when my remedies connect that pussy and a bed like angels in tibet louvre and armani, i like how you say it feeding me body, i like how you cater i took a trip to the stylist today i spend the bitch like i'm spending the paper, stop

those with venus in taurus, leo, or libra are typically extremely dedicated and loyal to their loved ones. these placements could also make for someone who is deeply enamored by grandiose, material gestures, not necessarily in a materialistic sense (although it can manifest that way), but more so in the sense of wanting to pampered and taken care of by their suitor/partner. venus in taurus / libra can influence the need for interpersonal balance, as well as a craving for a "physical harmony" (especially with taurus). these natives tend to have very high expectations, and find thrill in being "courted" by their love interests, they tend to enjoy giving and receiving gifts as well.

those with venus harmoniously aspecting jupiter in their chart tend to be very lighthearted, creative individuals, and are very generous in love. they enjoy dramatic, flamboyant gestures of love, as well as gift-giving and recieving. they genuinely enjoy seeing their partner happy above all else, and seek reciprocation of that fulfillment in return. with the conjunction here, there can be a learning-curve in regards to knowing when to reign jupiter's "excessive" nature in, but those with the trine / sextile typically know how to show their love (and want to be loved) in a way that doesn't go overboard.

༊*·˚ ˗ venus in gemini / aquarius | uranus in the 5H / 7H: too sweet — hozier

don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake smellin' like a bonfire lost in a haze? if you're drunk on life, babe i think it's great but while in this world i think i'll take my whiskey neat my coffee black and my bed at three you're too sweet for me

the chokehold this song has had me in ever since it dropped? insane. these placements (and this song) are very reminiscent of running away from a love that lacks spontaneity. natives with these placements tend to need a level of excitability in relationships, those with venus in gemini / aquarius specifically are innately drawn towards people who mentally stimulate them or that they have to “figure out” in a sense. these placements are easily prone to disengage and become bored with a relationship once the “chase” phase is over. these venus placements (the gemini venus girlies specifically) tend to get mischaracterized as people who can’t sustain romantic relationships, and in my opinion it’s more so that these placements inherently need connection in more of a “cerebral” way, rather than in a stereotypical, lovey-dovey kind of way. the idea of love for these natives can be very unconventional in nature, and they crave a connection that is ever-changing and exciting to them.

with uranus in the 5H / 7H, one’s approach to romance and partnership can be atypical. natives with these placements tend to be deeply passionate and expressive in love, and could even be the types to view their partners as their muse. they also tend to be drawn towards relationships that don’t impose upon their sense of independence. natives with these placements, including the venus ones, could remain single or even prefer being single over being in a relationship, as these placements all share the common trait of needing their freedom and not liking to feel restricted. being able to experience life and express their individuality is a priority for them, and it can be of greater importance to them than finding love at times.

divider by plutism

#astrology #astro notes #astrology observations #astrology notes #synastry notes #astro observations #birth chart observations #astrology aspects #aquarius placements #saturn astrology #uranus astrology #12h synastry #venus mars aspects #venus mars synastry #11th house #11th house astrology #venus placements #Spotify

[princess-from-another-galaxy]

Finale!! Let’s go!! (Gonna write as I watch)

1)The scene with Luke was so cute but also a little creepy. What was up with that?? Also!! The initial narration of episode 1 is Percy quoting Luke?!?! My heart, I love them so much 🥺

2)Omg!! The fight was good af! Did... did Walker's eyes change color???? Not Ares trying to kill them with his " true form" as a last resort, sore loser.

3) mom??? Bro, you just saw her statue in the Underworld.... holy shit!!! Mrs. Dodds!!! The helm looks cool af ngl. Percy is so cool, like damn. Oh, yeah, the deadline passed, which means Poseidon & Zeus are definitely at war!!! That's what started WW2?!?! Gods being petty bitches... damn... He's done running from monsters 😭 (I love the implication that Zeus is a monster. You're right and you should say it.) Annabeth gave him her necklace 😭😭😭, that's so cute. An email, Grover 😂😂

4) That's one way to get Zeus's attention, damn. Just dropped the bolt in front if the doorman 😂😂. What do mortals see when they see the bolt??

5) Olympus looks cool af!! Oh, Luke & Percy again! Annabeth is terrified of spiders! Things that are small and scary get squished. Oh Luke is in his big brother mentor era!! Love to see it!

6) the council room!! The thrones look cool af, I can't wait to see all of the God's sitting on it! Oh, I have no idea how they're going to replace the actor, he is perfect as Zeus!! Yes!! Read him to filth Percy!!!! Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Poseidon surrended for Percy 😭😭😭😭, I'm- Oh, Toby Stephens always eat. Omg!!! They're speaking Greek!! Is it Greek Greek or ancient Greek. Does anyone speak ancient Greek. Everyone?? What are Apollo, Artemis, Dionysus, and Demeter??? 😭

7) Percy and Poseidon!! Omg! Patrus 😭😭. Poseidon's smile about Sally... Bro... Ares is a moron 😂😂 (they've done the family vibe of the Olympians so well! 😂). Answer the question, Poseidon!!! Do you dream about her!?!?!

8) I wonder if thet planted that tree specifically to be Thalia's tree or if they just found a cool tree they liked lol. They hugged!! Holy shit, Clarisse is still here??? What is happening?!?!?

9) Luke being a responsible leader! We stan!! Annabeth being all cool, I see her!

10) fireworks! So cool!! The mommy issues in Luke are through the roof. Wait does Luke look like he's crying?? Wait what??? What do you mean she didn't???? Wait what?!?! Wtf. Luke?!?! No. LUKE SAY SOMEGHING! NOT THAT!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?! HOLY SHIT. IM CRYING. NO.

Oh, he's making some good points. This are some valid points. Episode 1 Percy would be eating this up ngl. I mean, not to be a bitch, but like... Luke sounds like those girls that have been groomed... all like "he loves me! He's gonna take care of me!" Like... are you sure???

Are they trying their best Percy?? Are they really?? I'm not an expert, but maybe don't mention his dad to the kid you know has daddy issues, if you don't want him to kill you, just a thought. I kinda of want Percy to say he's and go apeshit on the Gods ngl. He apologized for hurting Luke 😭😭😭. Wait, what??? Annabeth!! No!! 😭😭😭 she heard everything, Luke's face, my heart 😭😭😭 I was not ready for all of this emotion

11) Armed escort lol. He doesn't want you dead, he wants you next to him. Very persuasive... sounds manipulative to me.... Mr D! He's funny af. I'm 90% sure it's Peter😂. I don't think so 😂. Kicking them all out, I can't, bro...

12) Annabeth is going to see her dad?!?! Omg her hair looks so cute!! Her talking to Thalia's tree is cute. Her dad is taking her to Disney world 😭😭. Percy telling her to be a kid 😭😭😭 Grover is gonna search for Pan!! Percy is gonna help him search the seas!! (The next one is called sea of monsters right?? Maybe that's the "main quest"???) The hug!!! 😭

13) I hadn't realized it earlier, the beach is Montauk!! Where his mom went missing! It's the beach house they came to. She's here!!!! Look at her!!!! 😭😭 hugging her baby boy 😭😭wait what??? No, Sally!! Where are you?!?! Wait, is that kronos?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Is he sassying time itself?!?!!?! Bro.... 😭😂😭😂😂 what does he mean?!?!?! What?!?!

14) Sally!!!!!! She's here!!! The fact that he's only just starting 7th grade is wild... he's baby. Percy calling Kronos grandpa, I can't 😂😂. Sally is done with Percy's shit , I can't. "Kronos, Lord of the Titans, said that?" I love her 😂

15) blue pancakes?? They look good af ngl. It's a storm!! Poseidon is also there for Percy's first day of school 🥺. Didn't percy have a step-dad?? The asshole one? What happened to him??

16) oh, there he is. What an asshole. Sally changed the locks 😂. Good for her!! What a dick. Wait.. is that.... is that Medusa??? Omg! Holy shit!! That's hilarious!! 😂😂 good riddance!!!

I have no words. I need a new season now!!! This was by far my new favorite episode!! I love this so much!!! I'm heart broken. I need more!!!

#pjo #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #annabeth chase #grover underwood #luke castellan #poseidon #zeus #ares #olympians #clarisse la rue #sally jackson #i am so broken #like.... i have no words #i am heart broken #my baby luke... I'm.... i need 3 to 5 business weeks to recover #disney #percy jackson show

[scabopolis]

fic recs: l/v non-linear timeline fics

In anticipation of the upcoming 2023 Logan x Veronica "New Year, New Fic" fest, I bring you a small selection of fics inspired by Logan and Veronica getting busy and getting in fights in a non-linear timeline fashion (think flashbacks, think time loops, think in media res).

Day 1 of the challenge is February 1, 2023 so be sure to check out the #2023 LV New Year here on tumblr or the AO3 collection for more fic and art.

As a reminder, there are so many fics that fill these tropes. These are just a smattering, so make sure to make note of the ones you love the most and next week, when the challenge starts, maybe go drop those you love a kudos, a comment, or both to share the joy.

Fic: Slipstream by @cheshirecatstrut Rating: M, for smut, and it making me feel mature love feelings for both Logan and Veronica Tropes and Themes: It's Groundhog's Day but in a sexy way, team detecting, and this really being the true definition of "in every reality I choose you" Read if: You like nice things

Fic: How the powder burns by @scabopolis (it's a me! Mario!) Rating: T, for some swears, and some unfair jumping to conclusions that ultimately are resolved Tropes and Themes: There's only one bed (but they're mad about it), the author has never met a story she couldn't tell in media res Read if: You like unnecessary and copious amounts of flirting over margaritas Fic: Five Lives Never Led (or, everything in Time should be either titillating or epic) by lovesrogue36 Rating: E for "bow chicka wow wow" Tropes and Themes: A classic five times fic you will want to devour in one single setting, angsty as as all getout but so delicious (really, heed those tags) Read if: A recommendation by the fair @thelillykane who is never wrong - so read it if you like to never be wrong Fic: A Fine and Endless Cycle by kartography Rating: E for sexiness, and two college students who really need to get their ish together Tropes and Themes: non-linear as it jumps back and forth in time, two people finding their way, sexy makeout times Read if: You like reading fics that feel like catharsis and that give you a heavy reward at the end (if that makes ANY sense). Another rec by @thelillykane who reports that this fic makes her "scream, claw, etc." Fic: Knowing the Difference by @vmsteenbeans Rating: T for Terrific, and sometimes Terribly frustrating (because of EMOTIONS) but that is ultimately Tremendous Tropes and Themes: Expert use of flashbacks, classic post-s3 AU, these two work at it and holy hell is that great Read if: You want a true classic VM fic; the world of VM fic for years and years was built on post-s3 future fics and Steen's is a gold standard

Fic: I'm the hero of the story by monroeslittle Rating: PG technically, but emotionally it's a gut punch in the best way so idk, man Tropes and Themes: It's amnesia fic baby!, domestic delightfulness, and adorable child, Piz getting dumped AGAIN Read if: You want to see character growth in such a beautifully succinct way; probably in my top-10 most read fics Fic: Choices: How to Make a Life by TXQuill Rating: T, as in "TXQuill only wrote this one fic for VM and that is a TRAGEDY" Tropes and Themes: Growing up and growing smarter, is it a dream or is it real?, man they EARN that happy ending Read if: You never have before because I think it's a gem. I still remember all the feelings from when I first read it.

#2023 lv new year #logan echolls #veronica mars #vm fanfic #logan/veronica fanfic #logan x veronica #otp: the one person

[tophthedaydreamer]

three ocs that have been knockin' around in my noggin since... january i think?

the story is still in development (i have no clue what i'm doing! *does a jig and jpeg explodes), but i at least have these three goobers. from left to right, we have gale hawkins, charlie, and phoebe peng!

gale and phoebe are FBI agents who are tasked with taking down an underground terrorist organization (what a mouthful) in the tense political climate of the early 2000s. charlie is an agent from that organization who is an artificial human with destructive psychic powers (you will tear the evil lab trope from my cold dead hands). he's agreed to join gale and phoebe on the condition that he can get safe passage to a different country and start a new life.

if this were ever an animated series, it would definitely be adult oriented, on account of the epic violence, swearing (charlie has a chronic dirty mouth), and mild suggestive jokes.

extended character bios below bc this is getting a lil long:

gale is an amnesiac detective regarded as a genius by the populace. he's deaf and communicates using sign language (also an expert lip reader). only speaks when he has no other option, as he's self conscious about his voice (he has a deaf accent). gale cares very deeply about the common folk, as he was taken in by a poor family when they found him alone with no memories. very noble guy who will do what it takes to help others, but also really wants to know where he came from. deeply cares about phoebe and sees her as a little sister. ambivalent towards charlie, but becomes trustful of him. cool and slick during a fight, he can probably shoot up the bad guys like the free bird scene from kingsman. almost as if he can sense what's coming towards him...

phoebe is gale's headstrong student who dreams of becoming a detective. her family is from Hong Kong, having moved to the USA when she was three. as a result, she's bilingual (Cantonese and English)! athletic and full of energy, phoebe tends to leap before she looks, often landing her into scrapes (gale teaches her patience). she's also impulsive with her words and very protective of her loved ones (type of person to say "her pronouns are they/them!!!!", think for a second, and then apologize profusely lol). she has a personal tie to this case, as she lost her older brother in an attack done by the organization. she's livid and wants revenge, but she must learn to control her emotions. she and charlie have an enemies-to-friends arc.

charlie is a living weapon (codename: the warhead, charlie is a name he picked for himself) rather than a willing soldier (he does not want to be here!). the result of the recent perfection of artificial biological lifeforms science, his one purpose is to assassinate, blow up buildings, and not ask questions. he's not treated very fondly on account to his defective nature. originally intended to be telekinetic, charlie lacks a component that lets him regulate his psychic energy, meaning that when he uses his powers, they're on 100%. it's like instead of gently picking up a soda can, you squeeze it with your full strength until it pops. out of frustration and crushing guilt, charlie deserts the organization with the intent to disappear... until he is arrested by gale and phoebe. he only agrees to work with the FBI on the condition they'll let him go free once they take down the terrorists. stiff towards gale and deeply annoyed by phoebe, but he'll learn to open up.

apologies for the wall of text. if you read this, i give you a hug and a cookie. hopefully i'll figure out a proper story for these dudes. maybe i'll draw them more eeeeeee

#topharts #toph musings #oc #ocs #i guess the tone of the show would be kinda similar to those cheesy fbi shows my dad watches sometimes #drama! violence! the fbi is 'cool'! #not really but in this perfect cartoon world let's pretend the fbi does its job lol #lotsa quips and banter. i'm a sucker for that hehe #long post #now i will lay in bed and blast free bird while watching these three kick butt

[meggie-moo]

Alright, your next question will be

*spins The Great Wheel*

What are your favourite osts from homestuck? Which of them make you feel emotions? >:]

I'm asking for scientific purposes

OMG OKAY >:D, this is going to be quite hard since there’s genuinely so many homestuck osts LOL (not listed in any order >:) )

Lilith In Starlight: everything about it…like the way it represents kanaya and roses relationship, while also having one of roxy’s ost in it to represent rose becoming more like her mother with alcoholism, the way it’s playful and fun and urghahdhshd, it’s just very well put together. i am no music expert so i’m sure someone could explain it better lol!!

ETERNITY SERVED COLD: this one is so good as well, like…when savior of the waking world starts playing URGHHH

Sburban Jungle: will always make me hyped, like they killed it with this as the loading game sound

Gold Pilot: this one is just so, pretty. like just everything about it is very nice, it’s probably one of the ones i listen to the most :)

Iron Knight: this one is just so much fun, i am a big electric guitar fan >:)

Heir of Grief: THIS ONE IS JUST SO AMAZING LIKE AIEJSJD, what did i say about guitars, but also like it makes me feel so many emotions. i love it

Pipeorgankind: it’s one of my/if not my favorite homestuck flashes. it makes you realize how *long* ago the beginning was, and how simple it was when john was just messing around in his house. but here he is now, in a doomed timeline etc etc. it’s just very good <3

Showtime (Piano Refrain): this one makes me feel sick LOL, and i love it, like it truly is haunting, i am also a sucker for pianos

Not Canon in F major, Op. 69: ONE OF THE FEW GOOD THINGS POST CANON GAVE US, this song slaps, i went through a phase where i listened to it for like five hours straight once. it’s just so much fun, someone also made a killer animatic of it

Galactic Cancer: this one is so :(((( i love it sm though, it’s so good

there are definitely way more that i love, but i feel like this is getting too long lol! so here are some honorable mentions without commentary :D:

derse dreamers, clockstopper, do the windy thing, the la2t frontiier, black, savior of the dreaming dead, and orchid horror :)

i would absolutely love to hear your favorites!! i am always looking for new ones to listen to, since the whole homestuck soundtrack can be quite daunting, lol! :D

#I am a mess at explaining things so i hope those weren’t to repetitive LOL #also i’m going to answer your other asks!! i’m just working on both the answers because i want to be thorough! :D #🐌 🐈 #TYSM FOR THE ASK

[thepersona]

Extraordinary Attorney Woo: A classic in the making (Midseason spoiler-free review)

Whoa whoa!

I don't like to exaggerate, nor do I like giving out 10 stars willy-nilly, but so far this show has definitely deserved it. I've seen every episode at least twice since the beginning and Wednesdays can't come any sooner!

Disclaimer: I am not an expert in autism spectrum disorders so I can't comment on the accuracy beyond trivial observations.

Story: I love the pacing so far. The first episode was perfect in establishing the main characters and making the audience ask questions to be answered next week. This set the formula for subsequent episodes, and with the watercooler effect that we're experiencing, the viewers are constantly at the edge of their seat waiting for what's to come. I really appreciate how points of conflict are addressed at the appropriate time. For example, the drama surrounding Attorney Woo's family is hinted at by the end of ep. 2, confirmed at the end of ep. 6, then talked about by the end of ep. 8, with enough room in the rest of the show's run to elaborate. That's really good pacing. Older dramas would have waited around ep. 14 to do anything about it in a cheap attempt to get viewers to stay tuned.

There's something healing about this drama, whether it's the characters or the cases or the visuals, or maybe all of it combined. Almost everyone is likeable in the show but it doesn't ever feel too saccharine because of the weight of the cases (assault, murder, copyright disputes, gentrification). Young-woo has a great supervisor, a wonderful dad, a few amazing friends, and a huge green flag of a love interest. But she also has a big rival and critics who may or may not be set in their understanding of her.

I'm not the type to seek out romance in dramas, but the one featured here is healthy and seems to ask the right questions. (Episode 10 premiers tonight so I can't say more). I like that it's not romance for the sake of romance, but because it's just a part of life that Young-woo would have to encounter at some point. And personally, I pay more attention to Young-woo's friendship with Dong Geurami and Choi Su-yeon. I love how they look out for her but also talk to her the way they would talk to any other adult.

Acting / Cast: Park Eun-bin! I think many would agree that if she doesn't get recognized at Baeksang, then something is clearly wrong with their criteria. What a layered performance. We know that Young-woo is a genius but her intelligence still has limits, like in ep 6. She can also be blindsided by passion despite being awkward with emotions. On the other hand, we know she's not stupid and has a lot of common sense. She can be blunt and misread social cues but she's never annoying or overly cute. We see all of this in every scene. Her acting at the end of ep 8 alone is worth all the awards. You can see Young-woo processing complex feelings and choosing her words very carefully to react to what's been said to her.

The same could be said about the supporting cast and guest actors. I was particularly impressed by Moon Sang-hoon who played Kim Jeong hoon (Peng-soo) in ep. 3. Overall, the chemistry between all of them is undeniable and the director has done a marvellous job balancing these big personalities on screen.

Music: Adorable, warm, optimistic OST. My personal favorites are "Beyond My Dreams" by Sunwoojunga and "Inevitable" by Suzy. But the whole OST is fitting and the editing is appropriate in the show.

So why do I think that Extraordinary Attorney Woo is a classic in the making? It's because of the careful balance it manages to strike between sweet and realistic, funny and mature, healing and intriguing. The most beloved dramas tend to share these qualities but EAW has the advantage when it comes to its premise and setting. Young-woo's condition allows for a fresh take on emotions in a setting that deals with very emotional cases.

Midseason verdict: 10 / 10. Even if it’s not a whale.

(gif by casualscribbler)

#extraordinary attorney woo #woo young woo #park eun bin #kang tae oh #kang ki young #netflix #kdrama #lee jun ho #choi su yeon #dong geurami #jung myeong seok #kwon min woo #joo jong hyuk #ha yoon kyung #joo hyun young #gif not mine #kdrama review #review

[hikachin]

Onlynight Crown Translation

Ay! Another translation! And this time it's one of the newer ones! And this must be the translation with the least amount of notes! Hai Glass being the highest amount. Speaking of Hai Glass..

This song is the continuation of Hai Glass (according to Seiyuu Animedia July 2022 issue). I haven't got my copy yet (it's still in Japan 😭), but according to my moot, Yeon, the story is more about Cinderella expressing her happiness in the ball. She knows very well that her time is slowly running out. The lyrics definitely described it perfectly~

I was already excited about this song when I first heard the preview and the description made me even more excited. This is why i decided to translate it ASAP. And in my opinion, Makonyan really improved his English in here! The grammar makes so much sense! His pronunciation really improved, too!

With that being said, I would like to point out the usual...

I am NOT an expert in Japanese and I'm still learning around the ropes. I apologize if there's any inaccurate translation. I did my best to make the translation as accurate as possible. Even if it's not 100% accurate, it still has the idea of what the original is trying to say.

With that being said, please enjoy this masterpiece by Makonyan and I do hope I was able to help my fellow Makonyan fans~

Onlynight Crown ~ Furukawa Makoto [古川慎]

Let’s all enjoy to our heart’s content!

Just for tonight, I’ll be immersed in a dream

Eyes that were captivated by the glittering ray

The hand that was caught to escape the boring day

Looking over at the fancy table lined up in the greatest hall

In this limited time we have, don't be afraid to smile

In this moment of joy, let's at least dance the night away *⑴

Onlynight Crown, please remember

The shining chandelier

The ringing (sound) of the glass

Ah! Even if tomorrow comes

It will not fade

The scenery of today will remain and not fade away *⑵

The end is still far away

The never ending ringing of the bell and shout of joy

The disappearing candle before the repeated feeling of delight*⑶

Holding on to that melancholic emotion

Diminutive pride that can't be abandoned *⑷

That's the kind of second hand that will not stop anyway

You won't have to even think about it

Onlynight Crown, please never forget

The glittering smiling faces

The superimposed moment

Even if you came back to the boring old days

(You) will become an unbreakable treasure

The all last (finale) has begun *⑸

Us laughing, over and over

Don’t hold back tonight

Let’s dance with me

There isn't even time to say our goodbyes

Let's turn up the heat

Forget me not, please remember

The glittering smiling faces

The superimposed moment

Even if you wake up in the boring old days

(You're) an unbreakable treasure

Onlynight Crown, please never forget

The shining chandelier

The ringing (sound) of the glass

Ah! Even when it comes to an end

It will not fade

The scenery of today will remain and not fade away

Forever

The usual morning came again

But I promised to see you again

⑴. The first bump I have in this translation. I couldn't find a proper meaning to 「明かそう」 (akasou) but this is the closest I can get. It might be inaccurate, but still has the idea of what he's trying to say.

⑵. It's about 90% accurate. Still has the idea of what the original says so don't worry ^^

⑶. I would like to point this out. In the lyrics, the "candle" part is written as 「灯り」 (akari) which means glow or illumination. Was about to say "illumination" but saw in the furigana that he pronounced it as 「キャンドル」 (kyandoru), which is "candle".

⑷. Oh god I never thought this small sentence would made me go insane. Okay, so I'll point this out again. This has a similar issue with note ⑶ where the kanji 「矮小」 is pronounced as 「わいしょう」 (waishou). Btw that's the pronunciation I found for it. But when I looked at the furigana, he pronounced it as 「チャチ」 (chachi). Unfortunately, I have no idea what 「チャチ」 means so I resort to the meaning of 「わいしょう」. Even when I tried to dig the internet for it, it still didn't gave me an answer. The only closest result I got is an orca lol. Update on this issue: I found out some people use 「チャチ」 to say "cheap". Take this information as you will. It could either be "diminutive" or "cheap".

⑸. Ah okay this was actually a pretty interesting find. Oorasu 「オーラス」 is actually a made up English term by Japanese. It's a combination of two words, "all" and "last". I just wrote "all last" lol. But it's also a mahjong term meaning the "last game" or "last round". At least, that is what I got from some native people's explanation. I also found that oorasu can also be equivalent to saying "finale". Which is why I wrote "finale" as an option. I honestly thought oorasu just mean "aura" or something. Surprise, surprise you end up learning a mahjong term.

If you wish to support me, you can do so by donating to my ko-fi ^^ any amount is always welcomed~

#furukawa makoto #古川慎 #seiyuu #声優 #translation #Spotify

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW // derealization/dissociation. Also maybe maladaptive daydreaming? Idk if it counts.

Hi, my name is Travis. I'm mostly just here because I don't really know anyone irl who will listen, so I was hoping I could find someone here. Also, if any of this is normal and I'm just overreacting, please let me know.

I am in a constant state of being disconnected from everything. I don't know when it started, or exactly why, but everything always feels empty. Other people just feel like mannequins/npcs, and the world itself just feels like checkpoints and not real places. It feels like the only real thing is me, and it's gotten so bad that I even feel disconnected from my emotions. I have to actively and consciously acknowledge my surroundings to snap out of it, but once I stop I immediately go back to not viewing as real.

It's like I'm living in a shell 24/7, and whenever something punctures that shell, like my emotions or the realization that other things are real, I hardly know how to cope. It usually results in me trying to disconnect myself from reality again by drowning my thoughts in fiction, or I end up lashing out. I think it also might be affecting my empathy/ sympathy, given that I hardly experience either, at least based on the definitions I've been given.

Most of the time my mind is completely preoccupied with fantasy stories I've made up, or it's preoccupied with ways I can engage with those stories (the reason I'm hesitant to call this maladaptive daydreaming is because I'm almost never in these stories, it's just fictional characters) I can hardly focus most of the time because of it.

Again, I don't know when or why these things started, but it's become such a prevalent part of my life that lacking these things feels terrifying.

Hi Travis,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

Please know you're not alone. A few years ago I could relate almost entirely to this. I just felt fake and that everything around me was fake, and it just felt like I was dreaming most of the time. It can be frightening and disorienting to live with this kind of dissociation.

I found this resource you may find useful on how to deal with depersonalization. Some things it recommends is to acknowledge your feelings using self-compassion exercises, take deep breaths and practice mindful breathing exercises, listen to music or read a book, challenge any intrusive thoughts using psychological distancing, call a friend, seek talk therapy, read up on the effects of depersonalization, make sure you're getting adequate sleep, practice meditation, or exercise. Of course some of these may only offer temporary relief, but they could be helpful in learning to manage and cope with these symptoms.

If you can access and afford it, and if you don't have it already, I recommend looking into getting a therapist. A mental health professional could help not only assess the level of dissociation you're experiencing but help you cope with it with the guidance of an expert. It may be especially important to get in touch with a professional in case this dissociation leads to a complete disconnect from reality.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #travis

[imasimpforshanks]

Hi there!

I hope you're doing great. Ehm... May I requests Law for either the romantic or the Angst alphabet? I just can't decide that and would like you to choose from it.

I'm really looking forward to your work. Other than that have a nice day/eve. ♡

Fluff Alphabet - Trafalgar Law

a/n: hi there!!! thank you for requesting and for your kind words 💓 I chose the fluff alphabet because our man has suffered enough and I couldn’t handle writing out angst for him 🙃 ANWAYSSSS pls enjoy x

A-Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

During the little free time he has, Law loves to spend it with you doing anything lowkey. He’s usually pretty exhausted from everything going on, so taking some time to wind down and read a good book with you tucked him next to him reading you’re a book of your own is his ideal way to spend time with you.

That being said, if you are a person who prefers to do something active, Law won’t say no to that (so long as it’s not Luffy level active).

B-Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

Law admires your way of thinking. You always seem to bring a fresh, unique perspective and now he can’t help but ask for your input on everything. This is also what he finds the most beautiful about you. He’s never been one to care that much about what is on the outside. To Law, it’s what is on the inside that counts (who knew law was so cliché;)). Your mind and the way it works is a wonder to behold and Law counts himself very lucky that he is the one that gets to see you in action the most.

C-Comfort (how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?)

Law takes a very pragmatic approach when it comes to comforting his s/o. He’s a doctor, so its only natural for him to think in this way. He asks you directly what’s wrong and how he could help – it’s the most logical thing to do and the quickest way to ensure you are feeling comforted.

D-Dreams (how do they picture the future with their s/o?)

In the future Law wants to live a simple, quiet life with you. Somewhere secluded and far away from all the noise and chaos of the world. You’ll live in a nice house (nothing too fancy), with a child or two running around acting out their parents’ infamous pirate adventures.

E-Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or rather passive?)

He tends to take the more dominant role in the relationship. For the sake of your safety and his sanity, he prefers to be the one to take charge with you following his lead. But, he does still value your input in almost all decisions.

F-Fight (would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?)

Your fights tend to be pretty short lived resulting in forgiveness and apologies from both sides relatively quickly. He really doesn’t like to stay mad at you for too long – he’d much rather have you two on the same page.

Most fights are caused by stress and concerns of health and safety, so Law does a lot of eye rolling and using his title as a ‘doctor’ as justification that he knows what he’s doing so you just need to chill – but like I said these fights are very short lived.

G-Gratitude (how grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

Before he met you, Law’s life was very dull. Yes, he has his fair share of adventures and fun with his crew, but there was something missing from his life. But then you came along, bringing a little more colour into his life. Instead of being exhausted and tense from dealing with everything alone, you forced your way in and pried him open, allowing him to share his burdens. For that, Law is eternally grateful.

H-Honesty (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

Initially, Law tried to hide quite a lot. He was very selective about the information he shared with you. It’s not that he didn’t trust you, he just struggled to share things with others – his past has made him very closed off. But, before he knew it you managed to weasel your way in, and soon he found himself confiding in you about everything. The only time he ever keeps a secret is if knowing it will jeopardize your safety.

I-Inspiration (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

I touched on this a little bit before, but you were able to teach Law the relief and comfort that comes with trusting and relying on others. Because of you, he was able to learn that its important to not deal with everything on your own.

J-Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?).

It’s not often that Law gets jealous. It’s an ugly emotion, plus he feels no need to be jealous since he trust you with his whole heart. However, if he was to get jealous, he is definitely the quiet jealous type. His fists clench a little tighter, his frown deepens ever so slightly, and he just doesn’t speak. He doesn’t ignore you though, rather he chooses to curt replies until he eventually gets over it or if it’s really bothering him he may bring it up with you.

K-Kisses (are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?).

He is a very inexperienced kisser, not having (or wanting) many romantic relationships in his past. Even so, he’s surprisingly not horrible (but not great either) at kissing. Maybe it has something to do with his deep knowledge and understanding of the way the human body works. Unfortunately, during your first kiss he tried to rely a little too much on his ‘knowledge’ rather than melting in to it. It wasn’t a horrible first kiss, it just felt a little stiff. The desire was there, but it was as if he were afraid to give in to the emotions he was feeling and reading your signals. However, after a little communication and guidance he’s now an expert.

L-Love confession (how would they confess to their s/o?)

It was in the heat of the moment after you had done something completely and utterly stupid, that almost cost you your life. He wasn’t intending on doing it right then and there, in fact he actually had a whole plan of how and when he was going to tell you how he felt. But seeing you lying in the infirmary after having to operate on you was more than he could handle and before he knew it the words just slipped out.

M-Marriage (do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?)

Marriage is indeed something Law wants. You wouldn’t expect it but after you two officially got together, it wasn’t more than a month before Law started thinking about marriage. He knows now isn’t the time for marriage, but it’s definitely in his plans for the next few years or so.

His proposal is going to be low key. The two of you would have to be alone with no other people around – maybe while you two are lying in bed one night, he just pops the question. And as with the proposal, your wedding would also be low key. No big party or ceremony, just you two and the people closest to you (bepo definitely officiates).

N-Nicknames (what do they call their s/o?)

‘Babe’ or your name are his usual choices for when you are around other people. But occasionally when he’s on the verge of falling asleep he’ll let out a yawn followed by a sleepy “babyyyy”.

O-On cloud nine (what are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

When Law is in love he tends to keep his cool and collected façade. But on the inside he’s a babbling, nervous mess. He doesn’t do anything particularly out of the ordinary other than making a bit more of an attempt at conversing with you. He loves hearing you talk and rambling on about things you’re passionate about so he does try to find any excuse to talk to you.

P-PDA (are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?)

PDA is something Law isn’t the biggest fan of. He’ll stand next to you and be in close proximity while sharing a few glances, but other than that he won’t engage in PDA. Law considers that sort of thing to be private and intimate so he likes to keep it between the two of you. Occasionally, if you are feeling a little extra needy he may give in to a quick hug or forehead kiss.

Q-Quirk (some random ability they have that is beneficial in a relationship?)

It may not come as that much of a surprise but, Law can make one hell of a cup of coffee (actually any hot drink really). His perfect brew definitely comes in handy.

R-Romance (how romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?)

Oh boy, he is way more romantic than anyone would ever realize. He loves doing little things for you just to see that sweet smile on your face. It makes his heart swell with happiness.

S-Support (are they helping their s/o achieve their goals do they believe in them?)

Rather than being the consistently positive support, Law provides you with constructive criticism and things that can actively help you achieve your goals. He’s a realist, so doesn’t think only saying “you can do it” or “it’s only a minor setback” is the way to go. He still says those things because they are true – Law honestly believes you can do whatever you set your mind to, however, constructive criticism is needed in addition to this.

The key take away here is: YES. Law believes you can achieve all your hopes and dreams.

T-Thrill (do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship or do they prefer certain routine?)

Law needs routine, especially in your relationship. You have continued doing the same things in your relationship since you first got together because it works. Why would he want to change what works? It’s safe, it’s familiar, and it’s comfortable.

That being said, he’s not opposed to the idea of spicing things up. If you ever felt like trying something new (or even if he starts to feel bored about something), he would be open to the idea. Who knows, maybe the new thing you try could even become a part of your routine.

U-Understanding (how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

It’s no surprise that he is very adept at reading people, he’s on to it and has exceptional observation skills. He uses these skills with you as well.

He knows what it’s like to be consumed by emotions (in fact he knows that too well), and while with most, he’s the type to keep his emotions hidden, when it comes to you he shares his emotions to help you realize that he also knows how it feels and that you are not alone.

V-Value (how important is the relationship to them? What is its worth in comparison to other things in their life?).

Your relationship is a top priority in his life. He’s lost everyone he ever cares about (other than his crew) and there is no way he is going to lose you too. The only thing that may potentially rival your relationship is his goal of taking revenge on Doflamingo.

W-Wild card (a random fluff headcanon?)

There’s nothing he loves more than you running your hands through his hair while his head is on your chest or stomach. He automatically leans into your hand every time. He feels the safest in this position.

X-XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

Like I said before, he is affectionate but it’s mainly when the two of you are alone. Those displays of affection are for the two of you and no one else. But, when the two of you are alone he absolutely loves cuddles (especially lying with his head on your lap or chest).

Y- Yearning (how will they cope when they are missing their partner?)

He gets stressed when you’re not around for more than one reason. Firstly, you can’t help to calm him down and force him to take a breather. Secondly, he’s constantly worried about your safety and wellbeing.

Honestly, the only way he copes with it is by stressing (I know it’s not coping at all but I mean that’s Law for you LMAO).

Z-Zeal (are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?)

Law would put his life on the line for your relationship. He doesn’t want to lose someone he cares about – not again. He can’t handle that sort of pain, so if it was required of him, he would gladly give his life.

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #one piece imagines #trafalgar law #trafalgar d law x reader #fluff alphabet #one piece alphabet

[stellocchia]

You know, for all the dozens of analyses out there about c!Tommy and c!Wilbur's relationship, I have seen almost none mention how their relationship is extremely close to what an enmeshed relationship between family members looks like. I mean, I don't blame them because that's a pretty niche bit of information you would have to have some familiarity with psychology to understand, but it adds a new layer of complexity if you look at their canon relationship being an enmeshed one. I'm not eloquent enough to explain it all here, but if you want more information you can just Google "enmeshment" and it'll bring up some handy references and articles.

I did Google it because, while I'm passionate about psychology, it's in no way my field of study (we deal with business and economics in here!).

Either way I did read up a bit on enmeshed relationships now and I honestly don't know know what to think. I'm not an expert at all, but, from what I could see, it does seem rather fitting.

That said, this is the definition I could find of enmeshed relationships so you can make up your own mind:

"Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear.  This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well"

It can happen between parents and children as well as between siblings and it's causes can both be traumatic events or difficult times as well as be a family thing passed down through generations.

Signs that indicate this kind of relationship are:

Feeling anxious when spending time alone or apart from the other person in the relationship.

Having a hard time feeling happy if the other person is unhappy.

Prioritizing the other persnon's needs while erasing your own. Or subconsciously assuming they need the same things you need.

Having difficulty distingushing your feelings from theirs

Finding it comforting that the other person thinks and acts like you or shares the same interests and worldviews as you.

Finding it difficult to engage in healthy debates or conflict without feeling like you've personally offended the other person or vice-versa.

Feeling guilt or shame when advocating for yourself.

Finding it difficult to have alone time, including both mental and physical space.

Being isolated from people outside of the relationship or family.

Feeling threatened by the other person's dreams, desires, or wishes, especially if they don't involve you.

Enjoying the other person's closeness or dependency on you.

One or both people do not acknowledge the other's boundaries or their own. Someone's boundaries are regularly overstepped, ridiculed, or shut down.

I'd say a few of these fit and there is no debate about it.

Number 3 for example: c!Wilbur does often assume that whatever goes for him will work for Tommy as well, we saw that in the way he was incredibly dismissive when Tommy brought up that he didn't want to start another country for example or the whole Dream situation. Or even Wilbur mentioning offhandedly the stream before that "they already moved past" him exploding L'Manburg even though it's very obvious that Tommy hasn't.

Number 6 seems rather fitting as well and it's paired nicely with 7 (with Tommy immediately deflating when Wilbur said that "think what you'd be doing to me" bs)

Number 8 is also kind of a given. Wilbur almost constantly asks that Tommy be exactly by his side or looking at him and he got restless pretty quick when Tommy was alone with Quackity even though he was listening in and knew exactly what was happening.

Number 10 connects once again with 6 and 7 in this case. The simple thought that Tommy might want to join Quackity and even of simply Quackity suggesting that ticked Wilbur off quite a bit.

11 is more up to debate, but Wilbur did insist on Tommy being by his side quite frequently and he did jump in to protect him even when it was so obviously unnecessary to the point where it actually felt like he was babying him quite a lot.

And 12... well, Tommy's boundaries where? Never heard of them! What do you mean that talking about how much you adore his abuser and pressuring him into making decisions after he explicitely told you he needed time is not the same as respecting his boundaries? Will thought it was! /s

Now does this mean that's the type of relationship they have?

I honestly don't know. I'm not the best at judging this sort of thing. But, if that's the lense you wanna analize them through it does not feel too far fetched.

#zero-gravity-zero-chill ask #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #c!wilbur #c!tommy #dream smp #relationship analysis #long post #honestly this was interesting to look up #so big thanks for the ask!

[nothorses]

weird question you might be able to help me with because you seem to possibly share similar experiences? so in those posts a few days ago you mention how you would date women before you realized you were trans because it felt good to be gay even if you had the direction wrong...

see okay, I've felt like that or at l similar to that a lot, and I often find myself getting crushes on girls I know irl but then when I actually act on those feelings (with one exception where things were blurry) I end up realizing I just like the relationship because I get to be (yes I know how cishet normative this is to say) "the man" in these relationships. I end up feeling deeply uncomfortable whenever I have to imagine being more intimate than light kissing with any of these people. on the other hand, I always "dream/imagine" myself to be in relationships with men (usually other trans guys) and never with women in my mind, but when it comes to real life I not only do I hardly ever interact with men (it's all very confusing to me + where I live is pretty homo+transphobic) but the few I've had that express interest in me are not my type and the one I was willing to give a try once ended up ghosting me when things started picking up.. except there's no guys I've really ever really been interested in, except for like models/characters/others who are impossible to reach

I know some people say that's comphet when you only like someone of a certain gender when unachievable (and yeah as a trans guy comphet isn't maybe the exact right word, but I feel attraction to women in a queer way and I feel the word connects more to my girlhood upbringing)... But anyhow, if it's comphet... Then why don't I like the relationships once they start picking up steam? But on the other hand, if I like guys, why is it so hard to be initially attracted to them? And not even just that but just to generally interact with them? And ofc I know like bisexual exists... But then why does the word just feel so wrong, and like gay doesn't feel right either.. Something feels off about straight too.. And I know there's others but to start there nothing fits and I haven't found anything more obscure that seems to either

it's just I find myself seemingly only liking men in theory, and then I find myself liking women irl until the relationship develops beyond what might be platonic and then I'm just bothered by it too (might also be important to note all the women I've dated I was extremely close with for years before we dated, and all the guys who expressed interest in me I had limited to medium interactions with for 6months-1year before they expressed their interest)

even if you don't know anything, do you have any like resources that are good for these sorts of things- or any ideas for questions I could be asking to better understand my feelings? I for some reason feel like this is all so much harder than gender XD

Idk I probably sound a bit whacky, but maybe you could help- if not that's okay too, no expectations! Thank you for reading!

There's a lot of things that could be going on here, and I am definitely not an expert! I just want to preface that what I'm giving you here is based on my experiences, and how I understand what you've told me.

First, I really want to encourage you to look into asexuality and aromanticism. The labels and experiences might not end up fitting you, but I think it's important to have access to those labels and be able to consider them as part of this process.

This is a good overview of asexuality, and I recommend clicking around this page a bit to get a better understanding of the term, the experiences, and the grey-ace umbrella. This is a good starting point for aromanticism- and info on this is a little harder to find overall, but I think of it as a romantic equivalent to asexuality in many ways, if that helps as a starting point.

That said, I resonate a lot with what you've laid out here; I'd always had a sort of abstract attraction to men, but this never seemed to manifest in the meatspace.

It wasn't until I started T that I suddenly grew a lot more comfortable with the idea of actually being with men, and started to actually identify feelings for accessible men in my life.

I think it was something about comfort with my body, personally; I just couldn't imagine being with a man "as a woman", and I couldn't get past the idea that I'd always be seen as one as long as I looked the way I did. T made me feel like I was finally moving forward, and like the possibility of being seen the way I wanted to be seen was realistic and happening.

That was also around the time I looked back and realized that a very intense, very emotional, very physically affectionate friendship I'd had with a gay friend of mine had, uh, maybe not been 100% platonic. My dumb ass really cuddled this boy for hours on end while he played with my hair, thought my life was over when we stopped being friends, and still thought I "didn't have crushes on men". Jesus christ.

That might not be what you're experiencing, and it might not resonate with you! But it's where those threads went for me, and it might be worth adding to the list of possibilities to consider.

I think ultimately, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just... not worry about it. Just do what feels right in the moment; don't push yourself into anything you don't want, and don't hold yourself back from anything you do. Let the labels come later, when there's a pattern to identify. Maybe just don't worry about them for now.

#advice #long post

[the28thofseptemberr]

helloooo!! i didn't do a fic rec last month because i was so busy with my exams and barely had time to read, so this month's post is going to comprise of mostly fics i've read in june but also some i've read in may.

thank you to all of the incredible writers, please go support them!! and remember to read all of the tags and possible warnings before reading the fic! here is the list of fics (mostly below the cut):

read

•° — led by your beating heart by @missandrogyny 29.4k | E | famous harry/non-famous louis

Nick leans over. "Oh," he says, his voice smug. "Who is that?"

Harry just blinks at his phone. "Um," he manages to stammer out.

"Who's that, Harry?" Nick asks again, but this time he raises his eyebrows and smirks. Harry knows Nick is just teasing, and that he's not really looking for new Harry Styles gossip, but, um. He might have found something. Accidentally.

Harry opens his mouth to speak, but all that comes out is another 'um'. He really needs to work on translating his thoughts into words. But then it probably wouldn't be any help right now, would it? His mind is as blank as a newly erased etch-a-sketch.

"Oh," Nick says again, this time gleefully, seemingly having picked up on Harry's distress. "Looks like we've got a story here! Are you going to call or delete her number?"

Her number. So Nick thinks it's a girl. Well, Harry can't blame him: 'Lou' is kind of an androgynous nickname. His stylist's name is Lou.

But this Lou, well, Louis, he's kind of, really, really not a girl. He's really pretty though, which, is something.

(Or: AU where Harry's in One Direction, Louis isn't, and they reconnect over a game of 'Call or Delete'.)

note: this was so funny and cute and well written, and everyone was characterized so perfectly!! i adored the chemistry between louis and harry, this fic kept me smiling for the whole time while i was reading <3

•° — sounds like love to me by @neondiamond 14.6k | G | kid fic

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?”

Louis watches as Harry’s face falls with the realization that this is one of those things he won’t be able to experience. For a second, Louis considers saying no, to show Harry they’re truly on the same boat through all of this. But he nods in the end, reaching over for Harry’s hand as the doctor flips a switch. Noise fills the room then, and it takes a few seconds for the sound to become clear enough for Louis to make out the baby’s fast heartbeat.

“It’s really fast,” he voices his thoughts out loud as he uses his thumb to tap against the back of Harry’s hand, replicating the rapid rhythm of the baby’s heartbeat. It takes the younger man a little while to figure out what Louis’ doing, but a huge grin breaks out on his face as soon as he does.

“Is that them?” He signs with the other hand, his own eyes starting to tear up when Louis nods.

OR: Harry is deaf, Louis is pregnant. They figure it out.

note: i'm not a fan of mpreg or kid fics in general, but i stumbled across the fic post for this on my dash and the summary sounded really intriguing to me, so i had a go at reading and it did not disappoint!! it was really sweet and fluffy but also so touching and heartbreaking in some parts. plus, i really enjoyed how harry and louis worked together and supported each other.

•° — this restless dream by @afirethatcannotdie 5.6k | NR | first meetings

“Hiii, I called earlier about the dogs?” he asks, taking a few steps closer to the desk where Louis is standing. He’s taller than Louis, with a dimple when he smiles and bright green eyes. There's a cute eagerness about his whole presence. “Do you have any puppies?” He’s a bit like a puppy himself, actually.

AU. Louis works at an animal shelter and Harry wants a puppy. Things don't go quite according to plan.

note: this was so so adorable and soft, especially since i have a soft spot for h&l with pets. i also have a soft spot for h&l being oblivious lovesick idiots and this was perfect!!

•° — all i see is you, lately by @runaway-train-works 2k | G | first meetings

Harry noticed him for the first time three months ago. He couldn’t not, really, what with the man being so pretty and all, and Harry remembers it well because it was three days before his birthday and he had joked to himself that seeing someone so gorgeous for three days on the trot must be an early present from the Gods.

Or

The one where Harry has a crush on a fellow commuter.

note: this one was quite short but so sweet and perfect and lovely!!

•° — the things i'd do to wake up next to you by orphan_account 36.1k | M | amnesia fic

AU. Harry wakes up to a pregnant Louis Tomlinson and a wedding band on his finger.

note: this fic was incredible, i'm always up for an amnesia fic and this one was heart-breaking and realistic but also sweet and fluffy as well :)

•° — this glorious mess by theweightofmywords 14.2k | M | post-breakup

His head lolls to the side, and his eyes float open to focus on what used to be his bedside table.

It’s empty now, devoid of the framed photo of the two of them. And Louis knows that he has no right to feel hurt, but somehow, this only confirms what this really is.

“This is the last time,” he cries, his voice breaking both from pleasure and pain.

“I know, baby,” Harry breathes, burying his face in Louis neck.

note: this is the third mpreg-centric fic i've read this month and... i don't even like mpreg?? but god the premise of this fic intrigued me so much, and it was lovely and emotional and beautifully written.

•° — BLAH BLAH BLAH there's a moment you know (you're f*cked) by @mercurial-madhouse 3.2k | M | spy au

Anyone impulsive enough to betray their country is either foolish or overly-confident. Louis’s too cunning for the former. So his inflated ego tips precariously close to the edge between pride and hubris. In sum: He may be an expert, (as proven by the .32-cal Beretta Alleycat Harry found strapped to his back) but ex-agent Louis Tomlinson will explode like a busted bullet misfiring in a broken gunbarrel if Harry can find his trigger.

___

Or, the spy AU in which Harry thinks he's prepared to meet Louis only to find he's not.

note: the banter and tension in this fic was so good and so fun!! i need moreee

•° — every lonely place by @ham-palpert 38k | E | time travel/alternate lives fic

Facing the fact that he’s been prioritizing his career over his relationship, Harry proposes to his longtime boyfriend Louis on a whim. But when yet another work emergency takes precedence over their plans, Louis decides he’s had enough. Harry goes to bed drunk and alone, and when he wakes, he finds himself in an entirely different world. Over and over again, Harry visits a lifetime he’s once lived, across time and dimensions. And wherever there’s a Harry Styles, there’s a Louis Tomlinson.

note: this was such a unique fic! and such an emotional one too, love the message it sends and the character arc and development was so good

•° — tick-tock by bubblegumclouds 6k | G | soulmate au

When Louis was born to Jay Tomlinson with a tiny 2 years on his clock, it starts the most beautiful love story. Even if things are missed, fate finds a way to make it work.

note: this was just so, so cute and fluffy and sweet! i loved it

•° — baby baby, you're a caramel macchiato by @missandrogyny 3.2k | T | coffee shop au

So, yeah, Harry doesn't think it's that far of a stretch to call himself a good barista. There are some particularly bad ones, and some particularly good ones, and, with his work ethic, his skill, and his charm, he'd probably be lumped in with the latter group.

note: this was so lovely, and i especially really loved the little section talking about louis' name and how it suits him!

re-read

•° — one shines brighter by @afirethatcannotdie 11.8k | T | wedding fic

“Hi, baby. You doing anything fun today?” Harry shrugs. “Dunno. Thought I’d see how I was feeling before making any plans.” “You wanna get married?” Louis asks. Harry’s face breaks into a smile, and he nods. Louis’ lips are just brushing Harry’s when Gemma appears in the hallway. “You two are in so much trouble.” Harry's wedding was never supposed to be the happiest day of his life. No, that was going to be the day after, when he finally got to start his marriage. Unfortunately his family (and Louis) have other ideas.

Featuring a pair of moms who only want the best for their kids, meddling sisters with too much time on their hands, and a groom who gets caught up in the fairytale.

note: i adore this fic!! it's so so so adorable and so soft and well written, and you can feel how in love h&l are with each other. so so good!

my own fics

•° — under your bed in new york 33.4k | T | exes to lovers

"We know you're still in love with Harry."

Louis' nostrils flared up. "I'm not—"

"Louis."

"I'm not!"

there are many things louis likes to tell himself. we broke up for a reason. it's been so many years. and of course, the classic: i’ve definitely moved on from him. but when he suddenly finds harry back in his life after three years, louis realizes he might be a little less moved on than he thought.

au; spilling coffee onto an ex, being set up on dates, and having a nosy puppy might be all louis needs to find love again

note: i didn't actually write or publish this one this month, but i did edit, revamp and make a fic post for it this month so i thought i'd put it in here anyway. reblog the fic post here!

#28th appreciation #tracksintheam #trackinghome #hl source #1d source #fic rec #my fic rec #2021 recs #fic list #june rec #june 2021 rec #* #sched

[lucywrites02]

I have a question but Im kinda scared to make you feel uncomfortable... its just that I saw that you identify as Demi. I was wondering how one can know that they are demi? Bc I would say I'm cis bc I only like men. But then again I don't really understand when people call men hot. Like sure they can be handsome but I don't really think of anything sexual. If I have a crush I fantasize more about cuddling with them and just dreaming about how they would love me for who I am and stuff like that. Thinking about anything physical kinda makes me uncomfortable, yet I wouldnt be opposed to try smth with someone i feel a connection with... you know? Am I just stupid and overthinking it too much? Sorry for this novel of an ask

I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I am by no means an expert in the field of sexuality so if I said something wrong I would appreciate it if you guys corrected me.

I will try my best to explain it all to you, but if you need some more I will also link some videos that are pretty easy to understand.

First, let’s go over the most important definitions so that it will be easier for you to understand.

Demi means “partially”. I’m demiromantic which means I can only develop romantic feelings for another person when I have a strong emotional connection with them. It’s hard for me to develop a crush on someone. Last time it took me half a year to start developing any kind of romantic feelings towards somebody (it’s my personal experience and everyone is different so sometimes it can take a month, sometimes years. It all depends on the person)

Here’s a video about different types of attraction that may be really helpful:

https://youtu.be/6mjWPAhPGnk

You said you are Cis which has more to do with gender that sexuality. Cisgender describes a person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. If you were assigned female at birth and identify as such then you are Cis. In my bio it says I am a demigirl (although I am questioning that at the moment). This word describes people who were assigned female at birth, but does not fully identify with being a woman. I feel comfortable with being a woman, but I don’t always feel like one.

This video explains the difference between sex and gender

https://youtu.be/XN-wD8O9tRI

If you like only the opposite gender then you are heterosexual. So if you’re a woman who likes only men or a man who only likes women then you are hetero.

From your story I assume you may be somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to other people or low (or absent) desire for sexual activity.

https://youtu.be/i6A7UAH5fcY

Asexuality- as I said before- is a spectrum and demisexuality is a part of it. Demisexual people only feel sexually attracted to other people if they have a deep emotional connection with them (Kinda like aromantic people with romance)

https://youtu.be/VCZtPt6SHTE

You can be straight and demisexual. Omnisexual and aromantic. One thing doesn’t exclude the other. If any kind of sexual activity make you uncomfortable, but you are willing to try it out if you have an emotional connection with someone then I would advise you to do some more research about asexuality. There are many different words to describe people who are on the spectrum and even though they may have similar meanings some labels will suit you better than others (if you don’t want to label yourself that’s good, too!”) I will be more than happy to give you more sources if you need them!

And remember that discovering yourself could be a long process and it’s okay to change labels if you find one that is better for you <3

#lgbtq #thanks for the ask! #the journay of finding yourself

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK MMA 2020- COMMENTARY

Disclaimer: This is a commentary, not an expert analysis. I am not a ballerina. LTRS.

Let's all agree right here, right now, that if ever a moment deserve to be immortalized for all eternity, that it is this moment right here: the moment Jungkook lifts Jimin off the ground- it is the most super iconic IT moment of the year as far as shipping goes. Damn, was it beautiful. Goddamn!

Personally, I had so many flashbacks of unchartered fantasies, hopes and dreams- the least delusional of which is JK saying with a deep voice, after lifting JM off the ground, 'would you marry me please' and Jimin, shook out of his wits would respond in Satoori, 'we are already married, you idiot. Now put me down!' Lol.

What? A girl can dream... Leave me alone. Lol

A lot has been said of this dance and so I won't rumble on for long. I'm just gonna focus on the moments that stood out for me:

The first of which would be the build up to that performance- BigHit, you sneaky conglomerate bastard! Lol.

Y'all saw what they did there right? For weeks I have been bombarded with questions about the seemingly 'tensions' between Jikook- everyone was slipping me the 'something is up with Jikook' pill but chilee, I look at them and all I could see was Jikook up in their shenanigans. Lol

I think I mentioned this in a previous post? Anywho. I think the thing that most of us was experiencing with Jikook was the unnecessary 'limited' interactions between them in the recent content we had been getting post Jimin's birthday but regardless, there were still moments of them 'giving themselves away' like in the Grammy reaction video when Jimin instinctively turned to JK in his moment of excitement.

His hesitation was worrying though, because normally he wouldn't- they wouldn't, hesitate to hug the person that they want to hug in their moments of emotional outbursts unless something was hindering them.

Ergo, I felt, if he was hesitating, then clearly it meant there was something holding him back or stressing their dynamic- I think I've definitely talked about this right? Instinctual reactions and all that jazz?

It didn't feel like he was having problems with Kook though, honestly. Because, in spite of all these little inconsistent moments of 'tensions' between them, Jimin for the most part has been giving me the vibe he is falling in love all over again with Kook- Dont ask me why. Lol. This is just gonna be one of those statements I make in passing. Take note of it though, I'll talk about it again soon.

But from the little I've seen post Jimin's birthday, that's the vibe I'm getting. If you believe Jimin is in love with Kook and you have an idea of when he started falling in love with Kook in their love Journey, then I think you'd catch the signs too? If not, never mind. Lol.

Every now and then, I see him go through this phase- in my opinion. I can't wait to talk about it. And yes, it is what I meant when I said Jikook's dynamics seem to have flipped again lately. Time to turn on the crazy. Lol.

These minimum interactions between Jikook however, to me, felt more as if they were being 'monitored' or asked to 'tone things down' by the company or something rather than that they were having actual issues in their relationship- know what I mean?

For the love of me, I couldn't figure out why the company would ask them to tone things down... Until the blackswan performance.

I feel somehow that the lack of content and moments between Jikook in recent times, coupled with the seemingly faux tensions between them prior to their performance at the MMAs, without question, contributed to the wow factor of their performance. In my opinion- but stay with me.

BigHit ain't slick. Lol.

It's so on brand for them though, isn't it? Demand and supply and all that jazz. Chilee. Scarcity inflates the value of a product. I mean we've seen JK lift and carry Jimin in their dance performances several times now yet we can't deny this came as a shock and surprise for us all because we had zero idea what was 'going on between Jikook' behind the cameras- straight up Jedi mind trick. Lol.

Not to say the performance itself wasn't spectacular in of its own. I'd be mad damn liar and a fool if I peddled that nonsense anywhere. Lol.

I just want to point out how BigHit utilizes and taps Jikook's brand and magic in their business model, as this provides a stark contrast against BTS's marketing strategy for their self produced Album Be.

I tried explaining in my LGO analysis, how that project was a personal project of BTS' as a group and how as a group they had their own perception of brand and what sells- or who sells amongst them, as such they weren't going to and didn't star Jikook in that project as front and center.

Contrasting that project to this project, which is more of a BigHit piloted project rather than a personal project of the group's, you can see how Jikook's brand stands out and how it is being highlighted or even exploited for maximum return.

This is what I mean when I say Jikook is a brand. A powerful brand at that and that BigHit has a stake in their brand.

Jikook once again, overshadowed and dare I say, over powered BTS's own brand in that Blackswan performance- chileee, that performance was so Jikookcentric I forgot the others were even there. Lol.

I mean I saw NamJin jump in the foreground somewhere... I'm gonna get canceled am I not? Lmho.

VHope were powerful too. But I couldn't help but notice how neither of those individuals could have sold it the way JK did, had they been in his shoes. V and Hobi both have stamina and presence, yet for some reason I just can't picture either of them lifting Jimin up and spinning him the way JK did and does- not that they can't...

It's just, they take the spotlight too. Jimin is captivating when he dances- or does anything quiet frankly. And usually, he shines under the spotlight when there is undivided attention on him.

When he is paired with Hobi, V or even Suga, very often they act as distractions as they tend to compete with him for the viewer's attention and as such they don't necessarily compliment him. In my opinion.

Often too, when he is paired with RM or Jin, he tends to outshine them and make them look like rookies- Namjin... bless their hearts. Lol.

Kookie is the only member in the group that I feel compliments Jimin- well. Not that he isn't a great dancer too like Hobi or V, it's just whenever he is paired with Jimin in a performance he has the tendency to waive his spotlight and cede it to Jimin by letting go off his own shine and spotlight as well as his competitive spirit so Jimin can be highlighted.

It's why he is the perfect partner for Jimin and the perfect choice for this role in their duet. I think. He pulled it off guys. He PULLED IT OFF-chef's kiss JK. Chef's fucking kiss! Lol.

JK often talks about how he prefers to 'be behind the cameras,' how he often films the members but doesn't like being filmed or being in the spotlight and you see this in his GCFs where he takes the back bench and allows Jimin or even the others to dally in front of the camera.

I don't know if he is aware he does this in his dance too- because for the longest time critics often commented on his stage presence or lack of it there off- their words not mine...

Frankly, I never saw it that way. Because, paired with any other member, he squares up. Chilee. Lmho.

It's one thing to look great next to your partner, it's another to look great together next to eachother and Jikook looked great together in that moment- just exquisite and outstandingly beautiful.

The point of the black swan dance as RM had said in their blackswan Film reaction video, is not to highlight all seven but one- Jimin and that is exactly what JK did on that stage.

Jimin I felt wasn't as intense as he often is in his solo performances. He is brutal in the way he captures attention when he performs alone on a stage. His aura is demanding and alluring and if you can tear your eyes away from him when he is in the height of his performances then- share your magic formula you lucky bastard. Free us all from Jimin's hold. HELP! Lol.

But for some reason, in this performance, he wasn't lost in himself in the moment. It took me a while to understand what was happening-he was equally relinquishing his shine so Kook could share the spotlight with him- please, leave me here to die.

They each compete against the members when they perform with them on a stage, but they never seem to compete against eachother. They move in awareness of eachother and lift eachother up. They enhance eachother's presence and when they collide it's harmonious. This is what we mean when we say Jikook compliment eachother- nobody is doing it like them.

They were both powerful in their strides, graceful in their descent. They did it. They killed it.

Signed,

GOLDY

#Jikook #goldy analysis #goldy blogs #jikooktheories #jikook analysis #jikook scenarios

[madamewriterofwrongs]

I'm so sorry, it's such a horrible day all around and I'm sending you al the good vibes I can find. I've never really sent a prompt before, but if you felt like writing some Buddie 2.01 AU, where their first meeting wasn't actually their first meeting, that might be fun? Or literally anything, everything you write makes me smile! Hope it gets better soon!! ❤

Hey! Thank you for sending this. Tonight has been an absolute shitshow of emotions but having something to focus on definitely helped. 

So, yeah. This is a First Meeting AU of sorts. Again, thank you for giving me something to do other than cry. I really appreciate it.

Dear Eddie,

Thank you for being my bunk buddy. I had a really good camp with you. Please write me from Texas.

From, Buck.

 Dear Buck,

Hi from Texas. Thank you for the bracelet. My sister said bracelets are for girls but I don’t care. I also had a really good time at camp and I can’t wait to go next year. Will you be there, next year? Maybe we could bunk together again. School starts soon and I’m a little nervous because fifth grade is my last year at this school and I don’t want to leave my friends behind. What’s your favourite subject in school? Mine

 Dear Eddie,

Please tell your sister than anyone can wear bracelets and that if she tries to make fun of them again, the ghost of Camp Kuriakas will haunt her dreams. I tried that on my sister but she just laughed at me so maybe you’ll have better luck. Mom says I can’t go back to camp next year because we’re moving and it will be too far away. But don’t worry, you can write me from camp and tell me all about it. I don’t really like school but I do like the library. I’ve been reading this book called

Dear Buck,

Camp wasn’t as fun without you but you were right about Suzie Pecoski, she had to leave a day early because the popcorn got stuck in her braces. Jose laughed but I told him not to and he told Counselor Lia that I punched him. So after dinner, I did. He didn’t tell that time. I still missed you though. I hope your new house is nice. What is your room like?

 Dear Eddie,

I can’t believe I start high school tomorrow. I tried to call Maddie and ask for advice but she didn’t pick up so I guess I’m on my own for this one. Except I’m not alone because I have you. You’d answer if I called, right, Eddie? Anyways, I’ve been thinking about your theory about the island being purgatory

 Buck,

I have no idea what I’m doing but I definitely think I just asked Kylie Wilcox to the dance. I am freaking out! Kylie’s nice and she’s so pretty but I didn’t mean to ask her. I just meant to ask if she needed someone to help on the committee. But I guess I have a date to the dance. What do I even wear? I’m not asking Sophia. One: she’s two years younger and would just make fun of all my choices and Two: she would definitely tell Adriana who would tell mom who would tell dad and then I’d never hear the end of it. Help me, Buck, you’re my only hope!

 Eddie,

You do remember that these letters take weeks to get to me, right? Didn’t the dance already happen? I hope you didn’t trip over your two left feet and fall flat on your face. Oh wait. Yes I do. That’d be so funny. And you need to have more fun, Diaz.

 Buck,

Have you ever had feelings for a guy that you thought you could only have for a girl?

 Hi Eddie,

Isn’t email so much better? We’re one step closer to communicating like human beings. Welcome to the 21st century. Anyways, graduation’s coming up and my dad keeps asking me where I’m going to go to college and I don’t know how much longer I can keep avoiding answering him. How do I tell him I failed? How am I going to face him? He’s going to be so disappointed in me. Maddie and Doug are driving in for the ceremony and I haven’t even told her that they’re letting me walk across the stage out of pity. I’m scared.

 Dear Buck,

Greetings from El Paso! Remember when I said I was never going to work for my father? Guess who’s the newest employee. I suppose it’s a good thing. This thing with Shannon is getting serious and I know I should have a stable job. I just thought I’d have a little time, you know? I thought I’d get to be me for a little bit. Sorry Seattle didn’t work out. Hey, maybe you could try Texas next. Try all four corners of the country, right? That wouldn’t be so bad.

 Dear Eddie,

I am writing from an internet café in Guatemala. Don’t ask me how I got here, I’m not entirely sure myself but I know it involved tequila. And possibly the guy I woke up next to (I think his name was Nico?) but who knows. Congratulations on Shannon getting pregnant!!! I know you’re freaking out. You don’t have to tell me that you’re freaking out because I know you. But you’re going to be a great dad. Hell, you’ve been half-raising me since you helped me learn my times tables at camp. I can’t believe what losers we were that we stayed up all night doing math. Anyways, I’ll let you know when I’m back in the states. And STOP FREAKING OUT.

 Dear Buck,

I’m sorry it’s taken so long to reply. The WiFi’s shit over here. I’m actually typing this from a hospital bed. Don’t worry, I’m okay. Or at least I will be. They said they’re sending me home and (you’re the only one I can tell this to) I got scared. I don’t know what’s waiting for me back in Texas. I don’t know what I’m coming home to. The officers keep telling me that it was an honor to serve my country and Shannon keeps telling me that she would rather I serve my family. I thought I was doing that but I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things, Buck, but there’s one thing I do know. Only one of us is throwing our life away for a worthy cause.

 Eddie,

You are a pretentious asshole, you know that? You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Just because I don’t have a wife and a kid and a white picket fence, you think I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. You’re wrong. You think you know me because we shared a room one summer when we were kids but you don’t know me, Eddie Diaz. You just want me to be like you.

 I’m sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean any of it. The truth is I’m lost. You were right. You’re always right. I know I’m just a screw up but please don’t tell me I’ve screwed this up too.

 Eddie, I’m so sorry. Please respond.

 Hey Buck,

It’s been a while (two years, I think?). I just wanted to see how you were doing. A little update on my life. Shannon left me. Sort of. It’s complicated. Christopher and I actually just moved to California so I could start a new job. I’m hopeful that this is the right change for us. I hope you’re doing well. I know I never said it but I forgive you and I’m sorry. You were my best friend, Buck, and I hope we can be friends again. I didn’t realize how much I relied on you until you were gone. I know I’m the one who shut you out. I really hope you can forgive me for that because I miss you. I miss my friend. Anyways, if you’re ever in Los Angeles, let me know. You know after all these years, I don’t know what you look like. I still remember the skinny kid with the birthmark over his eye who tried to go skinny dipping in the lake but slipped on the docks and bruised his elbow. I wonder what he’s up to.

 Dear Eddie,

You’ll never believe this, but I ran into a guy at work who has the same name as you. What a coincidence, right? I think I was in denial for most of the day that, of all places, I would reunite with you at a fire station in Los Angeles. But I’m really glad we did.

 Buck,

I’m sending instructions for Christopher’s birthday party (I know, I know, you are the party planning expert but I’m the father so you have to at least pretend to listen to me). He’s really looking forward to it. It’s the first one without Shannon so Buck? Please make it perfect for my kid? I could really use a win this year. And no ice cream cake (don’t think I don’t know he’s been trying to talk you into it). I’m already going to have to deal with a room full of hyper nine-year-olds, I don’t need melted ice cream on top of that. What am I saying? You’re the party planner, you can clean it up. What would I do without you?

 Eddie,

I was going to text you but that seemed too informal and there’s too much pressure on a phone call so I thought I’d go back to what we do best. You were right when you said I was afraid. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and it’s you. We’ve known each other our whole lives and it never occurred to me that I might be in love with you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not. Eddie, I think I’ve been in love with you since we were nine years old and you kissed my bruised elbow. When you kissed me tonight, I don’t know, I froze. I’m so sorry, Eddie. If I could do it over, I’d still be kissing you. God, I really hope I haven’t screwed this up for good.

 Hey Buck,

Turn around.

Love, Eddie.

#cj writes things #911 fox #911 fic #buddie #buddie fic #in the middle of writing this my boss called and the floodgates opened #so that's why this took as long as it did

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

#life #pain #money #education #suffering #escape #trauma #depression #strength #mental health #healthylife #growing #change #maturity