#i'd like to also think that my art has improved since the last drawing. but that might just be me!

[scribbling-dragon]

in honour of the soon-returning fishfucker series for the final few fics, i wanted to redraw my scott design for it! + the old art under the cut for comparison!

(reblogs > likes! <3)

#he was suuuper fun to draw #i'd like to also think that my art has improved since the last drawing. but that might just be me! #anyways. onto the tags #juno.art #scott smajor #scott smajor fanart #limited life smp #limited life fanart #mer scott (+ fishfucker martyn) #still my fave tag <3

[sysig]

Tainted batch (Patreon)

#Doodles #Just Desserts #Villainsona #Fine nevermind >:( #It's so weird to be posting vent-adjacent stuff while I'm doing so well currently haha #I started this months ago and have significantly improved my mood since then pfft ♪ I'd hope! #There wasn't anything specific at the time anyway just a thought circling around that I figured Charm would be more affected by #Considering most things for her are heightened in comparison haha <3 She'll get therapy someday #She also deals a lot in sublimation through art! And sometimes that means literally taking the materials and using them elsewhere #Honestly it's pretty cool that she can reconstitute her art :0 Drawing is a little different haha #I hadn't realized it'd been as long as it's been since I last drew Cirrus :0 #Oh yeah Cherry Shortcake actually has a first name now lol #A few residents do! If you remember my mention of Aria from a while back - Marshmallow Fluff - I think those are the current three? #Still haven't really pinned down a naming convention haha...I've been thinking about three-letter last names for what feels like forever now #She was also an early contender for Digitally Rendered Resident huh... I could at least stand to name the others that have gotten that lol #So many things I wanna do with her - really want to finish her Biased Narrator fic sometime just dunno how to end it hrmngh #Anyway lol she gets a one-panel cameo and takes over the post pft no! Charm time! #Evil Time Charm time - kicked up her pulse as soon as she remembered #She kinda sorta remembers what happened but more than that remembers the Emotions - feeling Laughed At #And clearly it's [this specific thing]'s fault that she feels foolish! Avoid [this specific thing] and never feel foolish again Guaranteed!* #*Not actually even remotely close to a guarantee lol instead she's just avoiding something that at one point made her feel good #So easy to turn a positive memory into a negative one with just a change of framing huh? #I can't think of anyone in her life who would exploit that fun little feature in her outlook not even one!

[jodiellie]

Week 1 Evaluation

It's been a week since I've started this journey, so let's reflect on how the first week has been!

First of all, let's have a refresher on what my GOALS for this 30 days initially is~

Fixing my sleep schedule

Incorporate more physical activities (doesn't have to be exercising, can be stretches or walks!)

Drawing more often for practice

Sleep:

I'd say sleep wise, I'm slowly getting better at it. Though, there are moments where I couldn't get myself to sleep and ended up getting worse. But in general, I think I've made good progress than before I started on this journey, so good job me! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

Physical activities:

I'm pretty proud of my progress for this! So far, I've managed to do something everyday for the past week to get my body moving! Whether it be actually following along exercising videos on Youtube or some stretching to ease some tension on muscles! Again, good job to myself uwu

Drawing:

Now this. I did NOT meet this goal at all during this entire week, which is a shame. I think I was focusing a lot on taking better care of my own body that the thought of taking care of my skill set kinda slipped my mind? Which, to be fair, is kind of expected since even trying to remind myself to do certain basic self care task is difficult in itself. So, it's okay, we'll just have to do better during the following week~

Extras:

Other extra stuff for my health that I think would I've done well is also finally taking my meds and vitamins. Though it's not consistent yet, I'm glad I finally was able to take them more than I was before. This goes for my water intake as well! Sometimes I would go on days without drinking any water at all, which is quite bad... But now that I'm trying to actively record down my days and what I've done to better my body, it serves as a reminder in itself to drink more water, so yayyy another great job done for me °ʚ(´꒳`)ɞ°

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Things I need to improve/add for the following week:

After a week into this journey, I think I'd like to adjust some of my goals and be a little more specific in what I want to achieve for hopefully the next week! This will help me be a little clearer with what I need to do and help myself feel good in the future >:)

Try to sleep 30 mins earlier than the last, but the latest time for me to go to bed would be 3am. I have been doing quite okay with only a few slips here and there on this. So hopefully by the end of the next week, I can somehow sleep around 12am instead.

Still moving my body every single day, but let's try to exercise 3 times this week for at least 30 minutes! It's been a long time since I've exercised that I forgot how good I always feel afterwards both physically and mentally. So yes, I'd like to challenge myself to actually do some exercise more often! ( *` • ω •´)ゝ

Since I have 0 progress on my drawing, I want to start slow and easy myself into it. Since it feels daunting (for some reason), let's try achieving at least 30 minutes per day for 3 days of art practice. Can be anything, like anatomy, color study, or even just my own personal art. As long as it reaches the goal I set, then it's good :>

#productive #productivity #self care #self love #self healing #self improvement #it girl #that girl #dream girl #wonyoungism #mental health #blog #girl blog #girl blogger #girl blogging #diary #journal #my journal #get better with me #week 1 evaluation #goal #goals #life goals #motivation #inspiration #inspirational

[northwindow]

love your blog so much! and im wondering how you archive/document your day-to-day life and the information that you take in — whatever form: books, lyrics, trees, etc etc — ? im struggling so much w forgettttttting

i love this question! i’ve always longed to have a beautiful and consistent journal, but it’s something i struggle with maintaining organically so i’ve tried some different structures over the past few years. long-winded answer under the cut 💗

back in 2021, i was making a monthly journal on google slides which i really liked because it's so natural to integrate images. i just made a month of it public here as an example of what it was like.

from 2022 - now, i've been doing a new concept where on the last day of every season i write long, list-y answers to these prompts:

art that has been resonating with me (includes music, books, movies, visual art, anything really). i'll usually write a few words about it... "Decision to Leave dir. Park Chan-Wook—the eye shot! the eye shot with the ants crawling on it" or "'Train Ride' by Ruth Stone: 'Release, release; / between cold death and a fever, / send what you will, I will listen. / All things come to an end. / No, they go on forever.'" or "Chunky misshapen pearls and other organic, shiny shapes"

my favorite memories from the season... examples from past lists include "Swimming hole with Zoë where I stuck a twig in my hair and we waded around on our hands like crocodiles" and "Walks in my snowsuit at night, one in particular where the Gemenids meteor shower was just starting"

a checkup on 5 of my current projects/goals. currently these are 1. learn to lift weights, 2. write 50 "identical" poems, 3. write a new syllabus, 4. practice mindful spending, 5. improve at woodworking.

a checkup on 5 of my core values. currently these are 1. adventure, 2. connection, 3. play, 4. sensuality, 5. sustainability.

reevaluating projects and values to focus on next

since you mentioned wanting to remember things-- when i'm putting this together i draw extensively from my tumblr archive/likes, calendar, photos app, recent playlists, and letterboxd and storygraph accounts. curating this kind of ephemeral data into a more permanent and thoughtful record is really satisfying to me. i privately call this method "wrapped" a la spotify... like i'll have a big entry for "fall 2022 wrapped" and then "winter 2023 wrapped" and so on. i do all this on the app notion and file the seasons on one big page so it's easy to click into one and remember what i was doing and thinking about. (i also converted my dream journal to a notion database. i've logged about 300 dreams in here and love that i can tag by character/feature.)

over the years i've also kept a more classic diary via text documents that's less structured, just spitting out whatever's on my mind with the date at the top. i tend to do this frequently for a while, then ebb off, then restart another doc, rinse and repeat. i also have a few physical notebooks (including these two) but the digital stuff is way more extensive as i prefer to write on the computer.

if i were going to recommend any of this, i would say the visual format of the slides journal was really compelling because i liked the aesthetic freedom but i also love the "wrapped" lists because they seem to cut to the core of an era's texture. in the future i'd like to try to integrate these aspects together! 📓

[im-no-jedi]

alright. it’s finally time. after almost four years, the series that radically changed my life is coming to a close. I’ve seen several other people make posts about this, so I think it’s only fair that I write my own. be warned, this is going to be long, rambly, and only somewhat coherent LOL

when this show was first announced, I was shocked. although I had fallen in love with the Bad Batch during their arc in TCW, I was unsure how an entire show surrounding them could work. I was even more skeptical after I saw the trailers, which had this mysterious child show up. and as I’m sure all of you know by now, my feelings quickly turned around just after the first episode. I immediately was endeared to Omega and looked forward to seeing how the rest of their story played out. by the time the first season had ended, I was already deep in the planning stages of writing out my self-insert series, MLWTBB.

I honestly didn’t expect to love this show as much as I do. but I quickly realized why after the first season ended. (I'm gonna sound like a broken record for some of you, I'm sure LOL)

firstly, the characters. like I said, I loved TBB from the moment we saw them in TCW. and I immediately liked Omega as well. but the way these characters have been portrayed and fleshed out has only endeared them to me more. it became clear to me very quickly that these guys were an eerily similar analogy to my own family. I already saw a lot of myself in Hunter, but the rest of my family are very similar to them as well, even down to certain dynamics between each of them. not only that, but their struggles also mirror my family in that we’ve suffered several losses in our lives too. my mom sobbed like a baby when Kamino was destroyed because she saw similarities between that and a similar loss we’d endured irl. which, for me, is why it hits SO much harder when something bad happens to them. Plan 99 was devastating for many reasons, but for me, because I see so much of my dad in Tech, it felt like I was losing both of them. and having already had struggles with my dad irl… yeah. I feel like these guys ARE my family now, which has been the running theme in MLWTBB. and it's been cathartic both seeing them get through their struggles in the show, as well as portray my own struggles through my writing.

speaking of my writing, this show has inspired me so much creatively, that literally nothing else is comparable. I had already ventured into the realms of digital art previously to watching this show, as well as publicly sharing some of my writing. but not only did my art significantly improve due to all the pieces I was drawing for this show... but my writing skyrocketed. I finished writing a fanfic for the first time since I was FOURTEEN. and I've both written and finished several stories since then. and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. my art and writing will continue to flourish long after this show is over, I'm certain of that 😁

another thing is the real life impact this show has had on me. and honestly, this is the big one.

some of you have been following me for over a year or more now, so you'll probably recall the struggles I've had with my mental health, especially last year. I'd suspected that I had some mental disorder for a while now, but it was only last year that I really began to pursue the idea of getting diagnosed and treated. it of course began in therapy, then moved to having discussions with my parents about it. everyone was very supportive of me, thankfully... except for one person. myself. despite all of the work I'd done to move forward in my life, this was the hurtle I was struggling with the most. the fear of the unknown has always terrified me the most, so this unfamiliar territory was like a nightmare-scape to me.

then "The Crossing" happened.

fandom had headcanoned Tech being autistic for a while previous to this episode, myself included. some even liked to think all of them were neurodivergent in some way, again myself included. so when this episode dropped and we basically got the confirmation that our headcanon was correct? that. that was the push I needed. seeing this character that I love SO much in a show that I love SO much not only confirming his neurodiversity, but embracing it??? I literally told my mom that weekend that I was finally ready to get tested. and the rest is history. I'm now officially a part of the ND gang, and I've never regretted it for one second \o/

not only that... but I'm on meds now. meds that have altered my brain in such a way that I've NEVER felt before. my anxiety and depression no longer have a hold on me, and it's all thanks to this show 💙💙💙

and leading into that, the last thing I wanna mention is the connections I've made through this show. my entire family is (mostly) SW fans, so I've always had them to fangirl and discuss SW shows with. but I've missed having friends outside of the family to connect with. it's been YEARS since I've been involved in a fandom that had such a lovely group of people. and I know what some of you might say. and you're right. of course there's toxicity, just like any other fandom. but I can honestly say, I haven't met such a welcoming and friendly group of individuals as I have with this fandom. I've made some real, true, long-lasting friendships because of this show, and I'll be forever grateful for that. do the meds help? absolutely. but remember, I never would've even been on meds rn if not for this show either!!

and on that note, I just wanna call out some of the lovely people I've met, some whom I've only gotten to know recently! 🥰

@photogirl894 my beloved Morgan, my little sis, the Omega to my Hunter. you've been nothing but a joy and a blessing to me since the day I met you. I truly believe the Lord led you to me so that I could properly start this journey towards recovery and growth. I love you SO much, sweetie, thank you for being you 💙💙💙

@heyclickadee my dear friend, the conductor of the Tech Lives train. I've so appreciated your insight and wisdom in regard to all of the insanity. you genuinely helped get me through my depression after Plan 99, and you've continued to uplift me with your positivity and hopefulness. may we finally get to see our nerd alive and well again in your honor 🙏🏻

@clonethirstingisreal sweet Carol!! fellow Hunter simp!! getting to know you has been nothing short of amazing and wonderful! I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see an older fan amongst the young'ins LOL. we've been able to relate to each other in SO many ways, it still astounds me. I look forward to seeing your journey progress in hopefully similar ways to mine! 🥰

@lightwise @freesia-writes @better-to-bee @probadbatch (spacing this out so y'all get tagged properly)

@jedi-hawkins @anxiouspineapple99 @arctrooper69 @sunshinesdaydream and everyone else I've gotten to know both here and on Discord, THANK YOU!!!! thank you for letting me into your lives and for all the joy and laughs we've had together. I consider you ALL my friends, and I'm blessed to have met you all 💙💙💙💙💙

and finally, because I know she'll berate me if I don't mention her too, my best friend and irl sister @jam-n-ham. gurl, we have been through it, haven't we? you've been the sole witness to my reactions every week, and for that, I apologize LOL. but we have fun, at least, right? 😆 we've spent HOURS talking about this show, and I'm sure we'll have many more hours to come. you've also supported me and my writing, which I'm eternally grateful for (even if you can barely stomach the Hunter romance scenes ROFL). I can't wait to add in your additions to the story, and for you to see what I've been cooking up 😁 thanks for always being my no.1 bestie 🥰🥰🥰

I don't feel like rereading this before posting, so if there's any typos or whatever, oh well. the fact that I even got all of this out tonight is a miracle honestly haha. now if you'll excuse me, I have to start compiling every single box of tissues we own before tomorrow 😝

oh, and one last thing. an addendum if you will. I haven't been posting much of my thoughts about the finale for many reasons, but I'll just say this. ever since "The Return", I've been rotating Hunter's last words to Crosshair in my head, on repeat.

enough said✨

#the bad batch #star wars the bad batch #tbb season 3 #tbb spoilers #I apologize for the word dump #brain is foggy and words are hard #and emotions are running high #I'll hopefully have more coherent thoughts after the finale LOL #star warz

[eemamminy-art]

for the artist ask game:

3. your favorite piece(s)? 13. talk about a wip you like!

3. your favorite piece(s)?

This is tough, because I find that my favorites change all the time because I'm constantly improving! I think the ones I really like best currently are:

This all saint's day-themed estimeric piece, which was inspired by a really intimate and personal experience I had. Fandom has made it harder to enjoy this ship more recently but they are so special to me, I wanted to project a special moment from my life onto them. I also posted it on a really meaningful date for me, so it's like.. extra personal and special in that way 💕

This fordolyse beach artwork, because I feel like it's held up to my own personal scrutiny very well even though I drew it last August, and I just really love looking at it. I love the beach, and I find joy in drawing a simple beach and sky from my head. I love their body types. I think the composition works well even though it's super simple!

The little autumn-themed sketch page I did of my stardew guys, because it felt like such a labor of love to be working on it genuinely for two whole months and to not give up on it until it was perfect. I redrew some parts of it over and over and over, I wasn't sure I'd ever finish it. It was a real exercise in my ongoing attempts to stylize my art in a satisfying way while still keeping it feeling solid and proportionate yet interesting.

13. talk about a wip you like!

Well, this one I'd say I half like it, and I need to figure out what I'm doing with it… but I'm doing some like then vs now pieces with my stardew guys and while the lines are "done" on the past portion, I far and away prefer how sketchy the future part looks.

When I compare the finished lines to the sketch on the first half, I feel like it lost so much personality and I'm trying desperately to find a happy balance between cleaning up my sketches in a concise and balanced way while still keeping the energy and feeling of the sketch. I hate to feel like I wasted my time but I might end up just redrawing it, it feels so stiff to me 😭 I know this is a lot of complaining when it's supposed to be something I like, but!! I'm finding myself putting a lot more thought and going much more slowly with my personal art (working on it a little at a time over weeks instead of doing one or two several hour long sittings so as to not spend too much time on something "just" for me) which I think is helping me be more mindful of where I want to take my art, and also making the finished work more satisfying (since it's ultimately stuff I'm making for me anyway) :3

I think this wip probably has a long way to go and it might look totally different when it's done, but I find myself thinking about it and coming back to it the most! Like sometimes I just open it up on my second screen while I'm gaming and I just glance at it and try to figure out what's missing, or what can be changed. Or I just go ehehe at the smiles in the future portion of the set 🥰

#artist ask game #ask meme answers #sorry this was so long #I am an overthinker #but I like these kinds of ask games because I feel it gives me an excuse to talk about my artwork in a way that I don't really #get to do otherwise #so thank you for bearing with me!

[pikatrainer99]

I made Orange and Red as autism creatures! (With bonus digitized Sinnoh Trio as autism creatures)

Drawing Red as an autism creature was really difficult...his hair and his clothes were NOT easy to adapt into creature form. For Orange the biggest struggle was the scarf...which I think I made a good way of making it look like it's wrapped around his big creature head...and I updated Dia's design to have his scarf look the same way. For Pearl I couldn't do that because of his high collar on his shirt. And for Platinum I tried to make her scarf actually look like it's trailing behind her like it does in the actual official art. Everyone's hair and bodies are white because that's the color of the TBH creature, so don't go complaining that everyone's hair color is wrong because it's literally just because they're in creature form this time around. As for expressions everyone has a little smile except for Orange who has the classic TBH creature blank expression. I decided to give him the blank look because he really struggles with identifying emotions and he either feels everything or nothing depending on the situation. Orange also has his fingerless gloves which I somehow was still able to draw the little Poké Balls on them...as well as the Poké Ball design on his shirt. Btw...It is SO hard to draw these characters in four-legged creature form because their clothes...ESPECIALLY Red's clothes...do NOT translate well to four legs...it's so weird and hard to draw. So I just stuck to each character's shirt and hat/scarf to make it a bit easier for me. I'm sorry if it looks all weird and wonky because of that but clothes just don't translate well to these creatures 😅

Eventually I would like to draw the Sinnoh Trio and Red normally...but I'm still trying to learn how since PokéSpe characters are hard to draw (for me anyway). The only one I've ever drawn is Yellow, and that was only ONCE in that one drawing where she and Orange were drawing pictures. I've drawn Yellow's head a second time and Red's head only once, but that's all I've managed to draw of PokéSpe characters so far. I will keep practicing though, I want to improve so I can draw more art of my favorite characters in all of PokéSpe!

I hope you all like this newly digitized Sinnoh Trio drawing, and I hope it's an improvement from the original I posted last year! I also hope you all like my new autism creature drawing of Orange and Red as autism creatures! These are all characters I headcanon as autistic (and Orange IS autistic), so it works perfectly for them all! I'd like to be back with more drawings soon but I've been really busy lately so I don't know when I'll be able to draw again next.

#pokemon #pokespe #my pokespe oc #trainer orange #orange of viridian forest #pokespe red #pokespe diamond #pokespe pearl #pokespe platinum #i drew them all as autism creatures #because i can #actually autistic #autism headcanons #tbh creature #autism creature #pika's art #pika talks

[magmacavern]

Hero and Partner Week, Day 7: Free Day!

Last up for the free day today is a little drawing of my own team! After I made all this art of Neo and Skitty (now named Penelope) for this week, I decided that I should actually try to come up with unique designs for them. Now all of my previous illustrations of them are officially outdated. Oops.

I'd gotten attached to the depictions of them in my previous Hero and Partner Week drawings, so I didn't want to change them too much, but I still wanted them to be recognizable as original chararcters and not just general depictions of an eevee and a skitty. I'm pleased with Neo's redesign, but I would like to make Penelope a little more unique in the future. If you're interested, you can read more about them and their alternate universe under the cut!

This will be my last submission for Hero and Partner Week. I had a blast drawing and writing for this event over the past month, and I really enjoyed seeing what everyone else created as well. Thanks so much for hosting this amazing event! I'm already looking forward to participating again next year and seeing how much I've improved as an artist by then!

(Also, apologies if this posts twice. It disappeared from my queue sometime after I scheduled it, and I'm not sure if it's still going to post. I decided to just rewrite it in advance, and if the other version turns up, I'll delete it.)

@heropartnerweek

Neo

Neo is an odd-colored Eevee who woke up in the Tiny Woods one morning unable to remember who she was or how she got there. She occasionally dreams of a strange Pokemon atop a frozen mountain, and after learning about the legend of Nintales, she comes to the conclusion that she must be the human in the story who angered the deity and abandoned her partner Pokemon, Gardevoir. She feels obligated to help save the world because she's (allegedly) the one who brought about its destruction long ago, but secretly she feels she's not capable of it and is hoping for a way out. Neo can most easily be described as cowardly. She lacks courage and prefers to run and hide rather than fight and stand up for herself. She doesn't wish to hurt others and cares deeply for many Pokemon she knows, but when push comes to shove, her strong sense of self preservation takes control and she always puts herself first, even at the detriment of other Pokemon. She also lacks confidence, and this causes others to be distrusting of her and lack belief in her abilities. Neo tends to make promises she can't keep because she either doesn't think it through all the way or just wants to help and please others, which makes her seem more unreliable to those she lets down. Her hastiness also hurts her ability to think for herself. Neo can problem solve well when she is forced to slow down and reason out the situation, but when she rushes herself, she doesn't consider all the possibilities and can come to the wrong conclusion. Neo came to trust Penelope quickly because Penelope was there for her when she didn't have anyone else to turn to, but she also sometimes regrets forming a team with her and wonders if it was the right choice because of her struggle to show bravery and do the right thing like Penelope does.

Penelope

Penelope is a young Skitty who was raised in Littlegrove, a town on the sea northwest of Pokemon Square. Her parents, a Meganium and a Delcatty, tend to a pecha berry orchard and a small garden of other berry and herb plants, and her mother is a skilled weaver who makes scarves and other textiles using the plants grown in town. Penelope and her younger sibling Orion were often tasked with travelling to Pokemon Square to sell Delcatty's scarves to the Kecleon brothers and the many rescue teams that visit town, but since a mystery dungeon formed within the Tiny Woods, Penelope has been making the trip alone. When she learns that she and her partner must be the ones to save the world, she immediately rises to the task because the lives of her family are on the line and she's determined to save them, even at the cost of her own life. Penelope is courageous and quick-thinking with a strong sense of integrity. She's highly motivated by her commitment to and love for her family, especially her younger sibling Orion, and she'll never make a promise that she thinks she can't keep. Her strict moral code often makes it difficult for her to be understanding of those who act selfishly, and it also makes her prone to overworking herself or throwing herself into danger if she thinks it will help someone she loves. She is highly confident in her beliefs and her decision-making abilities, which allows her to act quickly on instinct. However, this also makes her stubborn and unlikely to follow in other Pokemon's footsteps or take their advice without good reason, and because she's still young, her beliefs and decisions aren't always backed up by experience or knowledge, leading her to make some poor choices. Her personality is often at odds with Neo's cowardice and self-interest, so they have a rocky start to their relationship.

One early spring day, Penelope was travelling through Tiny Woods with a new stock of her mother's pecha scarves when she came across an odd-looking eevee named Neo who said she had lost her memory. While she was distracted by the stranger, Gengar of Team Meanies snuck up on Penelope and attacked her. Because of her Normalize ability, Penelope was unable to fight back and Gengar stole most of the scarves she was carrying. Neo fled in the commotion, and Penelope chased after her, assuming she was working with Gengar to steal the scarves.

Penelope found Neo at the entrance to the Tiny Woods's mystery dungeon, which appeared as a deep chasm in the forest floor. She confronted her while Neo couldn't escape, but Neo claimed she didn't know anything about Gengar or his plans to attack Penelope. As they were arguing, they were approached by a Butterfree who needed help because her child, Caterpie, was lost in the dungeon. Penelope agreed to help and forced Neo to come with her because she didn't yet believe that Neo and Gengar weren't working together.

After finding Caterpie and reuniting him with his mother, Penelope took Neo to Pokemon Square where they decided to stay the night at Kangaskhan's inn because Neo didn't have anywhere else to go and Penelope didn't know how to fix the problem of the stolen scarves. While in Pokemon Square, she asked Neo to form a real rescue team with her in order to help earn back the lost money.

#pmd #skitty #eevee #heropartnerweek #heropartnerweek2023 #fanart #shiny #pokemon #pokemon mystery dungeon #mine #magmacavern

[fightabear]

anyway, re: convention. here's my debrief and i have three weeks until the next one. the grand total earned was about $1,300. which isn't terrible for a two day event! but i won't lie, it is less than i was hoping for. i didn't get as many commissions this year and that's a bummer because doing those is my favorite part. i would legit do them for free if i could but THAT'S NOT GOOD BUSINESS SENSE

my setup still needs tweaking - i think i need to learn harder into the commission portion of it. someone was suggesting maybe i do need two tables and i'm going to look into that next year.

more details under the cut because this got long.

but man oh man has it ever improved. i made less money this year than i did last year, but that was my own fault. i didn't advertise myself as well. plus a snowstorm hit. and my table helper kept just getting up to leave or getting deep into conversation instead of helping me watch for folks and left me very ?_? please notify me so i know i need to watch for clients.

i'm also going to add some more discount options since word of mouth is how this works best. i had some plans to lean into that but they fell through because i went really hard on the charms this go around.

i still ended up being the one greeting people & engaging them and that might... just be how it is! i'm a huge extrovert offline (and a shy introvert online) so any time i saw a cosplayer i recognized the hype kicked in. and i think as soon as i added my dungeons & discounts option (if you get a tabletop commission and tell me the story from the campaign you get $5 - this helps prevent awkward silences! i don't mind drawing in front of people but i find it a lot easier if they're engaging with me, it's like - less pressure? because then i can talk to them while i draw and it ignores my adhd to hyperfocus and work harder at capturing the essence of their character) that helped a ton because people would see a whole party of people at the table recounting the tales of epic adventures end up wanting to get in on that.

i might just need the help friend to be there to process sales and maintain the waitlist.

some highlights: there was a group of cosplayers that kept walking by my table and i recognized 2/3 of them and was excited about it, and as they were walking away i realized the third was a bigtop burger cosplayer and i like had to call them back to ask if that's what they were cosplaying. i think i made that person's day because they were so so so excited someone recognized them. i handed them some of my prototype sailor moon design stickers bc i forgot i even had them with me and they were so excited. i ended up giving out a lot of those just for the hell of it because people got so excited and also commented that the design is incredibly cool which means i need to get off my ass and do more of them.

i kept trying to do a walk of the hall but i'd stop to just ooh and ahh over people's work. things got so busy during the day that i couldn't get up and go buy stuff so i'm hoping that they'll be at the next event too.

and man, i have like! regulars now! people who make a point to stop by my booth to get a comm. they were so excited when i remembered them and i was so giddy they remembered me. and man some folks just came by to chat! and i made friends? folks are local to me. being a WFH adult means that i don't get many opportunities to hang out with people and i feel like those skills atrophied over the last three years.

i got to catch up with my favorite professor from college who said she was genuinely impressed by the evolution of my art (its my 10 year graduation anniversary in may, christ) and was really really amazed by my setup. i told her i was promoting the hell out of the program all day. i got to see classmates i haven't seen in years and we're making plans to have a big week long anniversary party in the summer.

i also had another (former) professor (not mine - but he taught many many many of my friends who have all said he's notoriously difficult to please - great guy but holds things to a high standard) run behind my booth to check out how i had things set up. when he popped back out in front, he grinned and gave me a thumbs up and said it was "very impressive" and my friend turned to me like "are you on cloud nine or ten right now?" and i was like - wa - wait i know that who was that and he was like THAT WAS SANDY! HE NEVER COMPLIMENTS PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

i guess people were talking about my setup and how quickly i work. and the art guests for the convention - according to my friend at least - also think my work is impressive?

it's funny how much can change in the span of a year or two... i think i had quietly retired my dreams of ever doing something with my art because i knew what my strengths were but i had no idea how to correctly monetize them.

i do know this: i'm going to go ahead with the comic i've been planning. this is entirely original, not a fan comic. it's going to be a queer vampire x werewolf horror/slowburn romance set in atlantic canada. two main couples a wlw & a mlm ship with an extended cast of varying identities. there are themes i want to explore about the gentrification of the maritimes and greed leading to environmental destruction, with chapters from different character perspectives to show a different side of atlantic canadian life that are very much not mine to tell so i would want to get guest writers who have that lived experienced to tell it.

there's a few things that stuck with me, little lines i'm gonna remember forever. someone said they're surprised i don't have a comic - and then followed that up with saying my art is "a full meal" not just a "snack" even when it's just a sketch.

and my college friend's wife - who shares my first name - was like oh you're the one i've heard so many stories about! and i was like - stories??? what stories?? because in my head i'm the houseplant and the wallflower.

it is still very strange to feel seen and to realize you are perceived, especially when you tend to make yourself small because you feel awkward for how much space you tak eup. i think for years i've assumed i'm the person that's always just kind of... there in a situation, literally even if it's a party i'm throwing. or if i've found a cool thing to do and i'm inviting a friend, they're going along with it because they don't want to go alone and the experience of going there is the thing they want and not the experience of going together. the pandemic and the isolation definitely didn't do favors for me, and oh boy did it not when a lot of it was spent in a really toxic relationship.

this was a reminder that people are wonderful and want to be around me, and reaching out to engage with them is what i need to do. they want to hang out with me and get to know me, and if my 30s are going to be anything it's going to be letting them get the full me.

#con life

[these-detestable-hands]

Hell yea! You hath summoneth me with this! You know what will happen, right?

Asks Galore Attack!

1, 10, 12, 18, 21 (I already know the answer is yes, but it's the elaboration that tends to be more interesting and revealing. Ex: what do you consider as "spiritual" in the first place? Do you see a difference between your understanding of the spiritual with those around you?), 23, 24, 34

Have fun!

Oh no how horrible, the anticipated Lyndis attack! Hi Lyn nice seeing you here :3

1. What are 3 things you'd say shaped you into who you are?

Probably my fire emblem hyperfixation and the aftermath. I played 3h, then made an instagram because of it and met a community of people who liked fire emblem, then I made several friends, got better at drawing and eventually took up 3 new hobbies! The friends I've made as a direct result of fire emblem (that includes my octopath friends! This blog wouldn't exist without fe3h!) are all wonderful and amazing and I love them AND YOU LYN!!!!

I think also one very specific thing my mom would do had a huge impact on me. Sometime in the early 2000s, she read an article in a magazine that said you always have to cultivate your kids' hobbies. She did that and I'm extremely artistic as a result. She always got me the supplies I needed and loved seeing my art. I never would've been able to start sewing or papermache if she didn't support all my art so passionately. My siblings too, she got my brothers loads of instruments and I hear them play everyday.

Last one is probably just being very mentally ill and autistic. Since kindergarten, I've always been acutely aware that I was extremely different from everyone else. It was only when I got my autism diagnosis that I actually figured out why I struggled with making friends.

10. Would you say you're an emotional person?

Yep! To a bad extent! It's fine when I smile and laugh over the smallest things but not so much when I cried for an entire hour because of the first scene with Svarog in tristrat or when I lash out at people. I show my emotions a lot I think.

12. What's some good advice you want to share?

When writing, tilt the screen downwards and write. Don't care about the quality or typos or grammatical or formatting errors, you can correct it later but you need something to correct first. I'm not old enough to have good life advice other than the thing in the last question.

18. Do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

Yes to both! I don't know the full lore of my denomination but I believe upset or evil spirits can get stuck on earth with the purpose of making others fall to sin.

As for aliens, we have such a big universe so it's a bit difficult for me to believe aliens have never existed. Even if they're currently extinct or do not exist, I do believe life could evolve and exist on other planets at some point, but it doesn't necessarily have to be right now.

21. Are you a spiritual person?

Haha EXTREMELY funny that you ask this because I do not actually feel comfortable going in depth about the deep lore of my denomination online. Not upset you asked but yeah, unfortunately will not be answering this one.

23. Say 3 things about someone you hate.

I don't really hate this person anymore but used to.

1. He'd threaten to kill himself whenever he was upset.

2. Made constant sex jokes.

3. Dumped all his mental health issues on me and called me insane when I asked if I could talk about my intrusive thoughts because he was scared I would hurt him.

He was extremely selfish and treated me and his other friends like crap. Idk where he is now, last I checked he has a big friend group and is doing better mentally. I'm happy for him because he hurt himself a lot and I'd rather he improve and become a better person than be unhappy forever, but I'm still a bit upset about the things he did to me because I still haven't fully recovered. But again, I don't hate him. It's unhealthy to hate people, it just weighs you down and I have much better things to spend my time and energy on than actively disliking someone I haven't talked to in a year.

24. What's one thing you're proud of yourself for?

I haven't done self harm in almost a year. First anniversary is on the 15th. I've thought about it a lot but I've managed to not give in and here we are! Whenever I thought about doing self harm, I would remind myself that the reason hurting yourself is considered a sin because God loves us and does not want us to be in pain. If the urges were especially bad, I would pray and then listen to music until I felt better. This has worked really well and I'm doing much better than January last year. January last year was one of the worst months of my life so I'm very very happy and proud to be doing better.

34. Any pet peeves?

People who promote revenge or say that it's okay to not forgive someone. I understand how that may seem like a good idea in the moment, but you only hurt yourself by doing it.

"I hated my mean grandma so I vandalized her grave" cool, do you think she cares that much? She's probably in the afterlife chilling with her parents or other dead loved ones.

If your grandmother was abusive, you won't find comfort by dishonoring her. Yes, it is true you'll feel better in the moment, but it's not a good plan in the long run. You'll just be up late at night, unable to sleep because you're just angry. Please, just see a therapist and talk about how sad your grandma made you. It's so much healthier to just acknowledge grandma sucked and to MOVE ON!!! Baby stop wasting energy spraying silly string on her grave or burning the stuff you inherited from her, go to a friend and cry about how much she sucked then play video games together.

Abusive grandma is just one example but it could be anything really.

My brother is a casual berserk fan and due to his poor media literacy skills, he's pro revenge. I need to get him to read the count of Monte Cristo so he'll realize he's wrong.

#Asks #Kafkaoftherubble #Ask games

[biganimal92]

update for the 4 of you reading this that care (this isn't meant to be pessimistic I just mean that very few of my friends follow me on here lol)

I feel like my art has been stagnating for a long time and it's mostly because I limit myself to fandoms and the attention I get for my fanart messes with the way I value my self-worth so a few months back I decided I wanted to start doing a lot more with my art to gain more personal fulfillment and to give myself a direction i actually wanted to take it in so that i felt like i was making progress and going somewhere with it. I was making plans to create a proper portfolio of things that weren't star wars yaoi or the dudes from fall out boy fucking, and I was planning on launching a YouTube channel where I posted speedpaints and stuff and I actually made some decent progress

I drew something I was really proud of and I knew the content in it would be pretty popular despite still technically being fanart, and I had a time-lapse recorded for it and everything, I was even halfway through the script. I also had a number of original drawings I'd done that I never posted anywhere and I felt like by this time I should have been able to properly launch this stuff and start taking appropriate steps to have my art reach a wider audience.

butttttt then my laptop died suddenly and randomly (i was literally using it just fine, i lifted it up from my lap and it shut off and wouldnt turn back on) and it's been in the repair shop for a week and they still don't know what's wrong with it. they think it's a motherboard issue and if it ends up being at least $600 to repair it I'm just getting a new laptop. I think they can transfer the data on the hard drive to an external that I have and if so that'd be wonderful because that laptop contains all the work I've been doing these last few months for this thing I wanna do with my art.

thankfully since then my roommate is letting me have one of his backup gaming pcs (he works in tech so he has plenty) and I've been able to get set up there in case I need to start my progress over, but the issue is that it's a Linux and clip studio literally doesn't work with Linux because the desktop version of the program apparently relies on either edge being installed if it's windows, or safari being installed if it's Mac. so I can't sign in or download the full version, I'm stuck with the super limited trial version, and because of this I've been trying to get comfortable with Krita. which thankfully can record time-lapses.

my mental health has only been improving since moving to Seattle despite some pretty low lows so thankfully, even though this is uh a pretty big deal all things considered, I'm handling it really well. I had one horrible encounter with a psychiatrist when trying to get treatment for my anxiety and adhd, but since my insurance here sucks since I'm poor and nothing has worked for my other issues I've been fortunate to be able to see doctors about, I've officially become a crystal mommy and I've resorted to ~alternative medicines~ and as a result I've had a considerable amount of improvement in a very short amount of time with the things I've struggled with getting help with from a professional psychiatrist. so yeah, I'm only getting better

biggest issue that still impacts me is that my attempts at befriending people irl have not borne much fruit, granted I haven't been trying super hard but with a huge covid spike coming up soon, said weak attempts are going to have to be put on hold for the time being. especially since the main thing I was literally going to do as soon as Christmas was over was join this drawing group that meets up every other Sunday, but now I don't have my laptop so it'll just have to wait regardless of what the state of things are looking like otherwise

uhhh what else. oh yeah I got into Chinese yaoi and Indian cinema and I got out of my head enough to start playing genshin impact again so basically I'm a huge faggot ama

OH SHIT I forgot to mention I got another horrible job and I'm kind of trapped into keeping it for at least a year unless something catastrophic happens because it's giving me really important experience in the field I'm trying to go into, but when I say it sucks I mean it's probably the most disorganized place I've ever worked at that wasn't a locally owned franchise. I work at an open-access low income healthcare organization that's all over Seattle so when I say it's terrible and disorganized I think you get the picture

anyway I don't know how often I'll be on here but I'm bored and lonely and scrolling through tumblr seems like a better use of my time than spending an entire shift looking at r/shittyfoodporn

[super-who-locked-me-in-here]

Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

Thanks @feralremains for the tag! I'm just gonna follow your lead for what to post about!

Most recent ship: I would say Hannigram but I actually watched Our Flag Means Death for the first time more recently than Hannibal, so I have to say GentleBeard even though I am currently obsessed with Hannigram.

Most written about ship: Again, I would say Hannigram because I've posted the most about them, but I haven't actually written anything substantial about them (in terms of word count). I did once write a 45,000 word fic for a different fandom, but it was an x reader so I can't count that either really. Given all that, I think the ship I've written the most for is Yona/Hak from Yona of the Dawn. I've written about 9,000 words of fic for the two of them.

Ship that got me into fanart/fanfic: As far as fanfic goes, I started out writing almost exclusively x readers for a bunch of different fandoms. I'm pretty sure the first actual ship I wrote a fanfic for was Destiel. As far as fanart, I don't actually spend a lot of time drawing the same character or ship over and over in most cases, but I do remember that the first ship I ever drew fanart for was Mika/Yuu from Seraph of the End:

It's not a great piece of art but I drew it when I was 15 and my art has improved a lot since then. You can also see (what I think is) my most recent ship art below of Yona/Hak from Yona of the Dawn:

First ship: I mean Avatar: the Last Airbender came out when I was just a little kid, so I can't say I shipped it the same way I understand shipping works now, but I remember watching it and being like "Ew why is Katara with Aang she should be with Zuko."

Last song I listened to: Last song I listened to was Polyphemus from EPIC: The Cyclops Saga. If you haven't heard of the musical EPIC, I would definitely recommend checking it out. It's not entirely released yet though. Only two sagas are out and I think the creator (Jorge Rivera-Herrans) said there's a total of nine sagas.

Last movie I watched: My friends and I have a movie night every Friday, and this past Friday, we watched The Princess Bride and Pride and Prejudice. Also let me tell you, movie nights have greatly changed since the soundboard was introduced to discord. There's nothing like hearing Mr. Darcy say "I love... I love... I love you." followed by a vine boom.

Currently reading: I'm trying to get myself into reading Red Dragon by Thomas Harris. I'm 2 chapters in but my brain keeps wanting to gravitate towards the fanfiction world, so I'm actually currently in the middle of rereading the Hannigram fic Ethics and Aesthetics by FragileTeacup on AO3.

Currently consuming: I just finished stress-eating a bunch of chicken nuggets while sitting on the bathroom floor WOOO! My cats came to comfort me and also to try and steal some chicken nuggets.

Currently craving: idk a lot? I want a jamocha shake from Arby's but there's no Arby's near my house. I want to learn how to rollerskate but I'm afraid of breaking my spine again and I was never good at it even as a kid. I want to see my big sister but she and her husband are too busy for us until Christmas (but not for other friends and family).

People I'd love to get to know better, but don't feel pressured to post about yourself if you don't want to:

@stranded-labyrinth @honeygrahambitch @petrowriting @fishing-motif @teacupmotif @doemotif @ghostforwhat @bloody-hands-motif @pikslasrce

#tag game #dot says #long post #my art

[annwayne]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Thanks for the tag @freesia-writes I didn't completely forget about this no not at all

Were you named after anyone?

My middle name is the same middle name my biomom wanted to give me, and it's also my aunts middle name.

When was the last time you cried?

Lol yesterday? Crying for me isn't about sadness, it's just about Too Much Emotion. So I can be pissed and cry because I'm too mad. Yeah, it's totally fun 🙄

Do you have kids?

No and I never will. I'd be happy to be a supportive adult figure to kids if anyone in my family or friend circle ever has any, but those chances are low.

Do you use sarcasm?

Often. But it's rarely understood even when I use the appropriate tone indicators. So much so, that my parents made up a special name for my kind of sarcasm when I was a kid. But they didn't believe me when I first told them I was autistic 🙃

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Depends on the setting. In person I'll notice clothing and hair style first. Online I notice how fluent in tumblrese one may or may not be.

What’s your eye color?

Blue.

Scary movies or happy endings?

I don't understand the use of 'or' here, because several scary movies have happy endings. So both. I like scary movies, though this is a recent development. The Haunting of Bly Manor and Midnight Mass are two of my favorite spooky things-though they are not movies. I love the energy of Slashers but not the gore. Alien horror is probably my favorite subgenre of horror. I'm thrilled for the attempted Alien reboot even though they were meh movies, they still scratched that itch. David is a gift to the universe however, and must be feared cherished forever.

Any special talents?

I find this question difficult. A toddler may have talent in the arts and that would be an apt description for someone so young to show increased level of development in a particular area. But for myself, an adult who's put hundreds of thousands of hours into my so called "talents?" At that point they've turned into skills. So for special skills, which I'll take to mean unusual or uncommon skills, I have an adept eye for color. There's this game called "I love hue too" which makes puzzles out of colors-I am very good at it. The best word I can come up to describe this skill is Therapy Skills, so I'll just call it that-but I've learned a lot of therapy skills over the past three years of therapy that improve my day to day life. I include this because from my social circle irl, it seems what I know is not commonly known or understood. And it takes more than just knowing to do them. That's vague, but it's hard to explain. Lastly, I'll mention my ability to navigate so long as I can see the sky (no skyscrapers.) Which is funny, because my sense of direction is shit when I'm in place. Once I get moving, however, I can find my way back to a previously visited location. Don't ask how-just know it worked enough to relay on in a mountain side town in Italy without google maps to assist us. (Maps are my enemy.)

Where were you born?

A dumb place that I'm happy to be away from.

What are your hobbies?

Obviously writing and drawing. I also enjoy games: card, board, or video. I love tv and movies, film in general since I spend a lot of time listening to long youtube video essays when I'm working around the house. Cooking and baking are hobbies, but they take a lot of energy out of me. I like to sing and generally like music, but I've not had much time to listen to anything recently. I also know how to crotchet and less than the basics of sewing, but I'd love to learn more. I just don't learn well from videos.

Have any pets?

Orange tabby named Cheddar. He recently got three teeth out because of something that happens to old cats and their teeth. Now when he yawns he's missing one fang. (The other two teeth were back molars)

What sports do/have you played?

A lot. I think over-exercising and constant dieting as a kid fucked my body up honestly. Swim, Cross Country, Track and Field (Discus and Shotput), Basket Ball and Volley Ball. Oh, and Soccer can't forget soccer.

How tall are you?

5'9" or 152.4 cm

Favorite subject at school?

Thinking forward, since I'm maybe a year of classes away from graduation, I'm curious about the technical writing class that's offered and I'm excited to get into research and writing. I've always felt a little lost when it came to doing "proper" research-what does that even mean? Looking back, since I only have major requirements left, Mixed Media Experimentation left a big impact on me as an artist (isn't that a riot? Went from an Illustration to Writing Degree.) I had a "China" class that fulfilled some general requirements that has always stayed with me. It's odd, because it was kinda everything that could be taught about China was bundled up bite size for the class. Culture, history, and current events all in one. I'd love to attend more classes like that for other countries. And I wish I'd had a better history education in general. I don't know when things happen, and dates are just vague numbers to me. But I love listening to Kaz Rowe's videos.

Dream job?

Book agent. I know, not an artist or a writer. I don't want to write my own books-I have no interest in making original fiction. At most, I might write a few non-fiction personal essays or poems that I might try to get published in a lit mag. But what I really want to do is get books I want to read published. I want to help authors who are passionate about their stories get good deals with publishing houses, especially anything queer, monster fuckery (and real monsters not blue greek gods or normal ass men who can use magic and live to be 1000), and smutty.

It seems everyone I know within the tbb circle has been tagged for this, so I'll throw a few to my other circles and ya'll can ignore if you want: @commander-krios @klynnvakarian @bagheerita @inconsistent-at-best @wonderingaround1980 @tarysande @chaniis-atlantis @all-mighty-yaoiyuri @anonmadsci

#ask game #if youre a moot and I didn't tag its because you're too cool and I'm scared to tag you #kmksjdf #annwayne extended lore #thats my new tag for shit about me

[inktheblot]

Tag 10 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @cinnabuntastic , thank you!!

Relationship status: 4 years with @guesso13 💖💖

Favourite colour: Blue

Favourite food: Impossible question. I live for food and there's not much that I won't eat (a handful of allergies and small dislikes).

Song stuck in your head: Nothing Left to Lose by Mat Kearney.

Last thing you googled: Transformers Earthspark

Time: 2:33 pm

Dream trip: I haven't ever been out of the country (USA), or even to a lot of places in the country, so picking just one dream trip is almost as hard as picking one favorite food. The first thing that comes to mind is going to Scotland with guesso, who loved it when xe got to visit and has said that I definitely need to see it too. I'd also love for us to go on a camping trip together just about anywhere, which is something that we've wanted to do forever but haven't had the opportunity to yet, or to meet up with some more internet friends.

Last book you read: It's honestly been too long since I've actually picked up and read a whole book; most of my reading lately has been fanfic, webcomics, and online essays (and tbh I'm sadly behind on a lot of those as well). I don't remember what the last book I read was, sadly. Soon guesso and I want to start doing a mini book club sort of thing, where we can pick a book out that we want to read (whether that's an old favorite of one of us that the other hasn't read yet, or something that we both haven't read in a good while, or something brand new), and just take it at our own pace and be able to discuss and write about it together. I think it's gonna be really good for us, I'm looking forward to it.

Last book you enjoyed reading: Uhhh how about "last fic I bookmarked"? 😂 That would be "We Are Made of Dreams & Bones", an Owl House fic by @scribefindegil . I also recently pre-ordered the print edition of The Sea in You by Jessi Sheron, one of my favorite webcomics.

Last book you hated reading: See above -- that one's a big ol' 🤷‍♂️ from me. I simply Do Not Remember!

Favourite thing to cook/bake: I also love cooking/baking in general, but I immediately thought of these watercolor cookies which are a super fun baking plus art project. We made them last Christmas and expanded from the snowflake idea to also include ornaments and presents and lots of other designs as well, there's definitely lots of ways you could go with it. And at least for me, known Haver Of Shaky Hands, it was a lot easier than trying to decorate something all over with icing tips, haha.

Favourite craft to do in your spare time: Bead Lizard My Beloved 💚 and other lanyard/keychain creachers as well! It's a fun craft AND stim. I like to draw and other things like that as well, though I'm slow at it.

Most niche dislike: Anyone else not a fan of the peanut butter + jelly combination?

Opinion on circus(es) now and in history: I went to a circus as a little kid a total of one (1) time, and I barely remember it -- I don't think I was too impressed, for whatever reason. Obviously now that I have the awareness I'm against anything that involves the mistreatment of animals for entertainment. I don't really know a whole lot about what circuses these days look like, how they're operated, if conditions have improved, etc. Of course there are also plenty of circus performances that don't involve animals as well; I haven't been to any of those personally, but I would look more favorably on something like that, granted that the human performers are also not being exploited.

Do you have a sense of direction and if not what is the worst way you ever got lost: I think I have a pretty good sense of direction. I've been navigator on quite a few road trips and the only time I can think of that I've gotten lost was wandering off with a couple of friends as a kid.

Tagging: @quetzalpapalotl @andromedaprime @gunupwallflower @lohikaar @mercury-falls @b0wieblue @bitegore @korloniumcrystals @honestlyvan @howtotrainyournana and/or anyone else who wants to! No pressure!

#inklings #replies #tag game

[stuckstucktrolls]

Ok I don't need advice on this just more talking this out for myself and so people know where my brain is at

I think I get frustrated in part because I USED TO enjoy drawing, at least some things, and I USED TO have a style that was alright or at least heading in a direction that I wanted.

And now I don't, on either front.

And it's not really my fault that I dropped drawing and digital art, what with being chronically ill and having to help support myself and hubby. And trying to focus on writing which I was comparatively "better" at, which I was STILL having a hard time keeping up with even then.

But I COULD have made the other choice, to keep working on drawing and maybe I'd be closer still to a style I like (although you'll always hate your style as long as you hate that it looks like you made it. But hopefully that's not my problem? Or I can get past it if it is?) But I'm annoyed that I'll see other people's art and it's like, if I could broadcast what's in my head onto paper, it would be in that style. I don't mean jealousy because I don't begrudge the artist their ability. But I'm frustrated because I know people can draw what I'm seeing in my head the way I see it (or pretty close) but I keep trying to get my brain and hands to work that way, at least in a general sense, and I just can't do it.

Even saw some art recently where the artist drew themselves pretty similar to how I'd draw myself if I could get my hands to do the thing. I hope the artist appreciates their ability even if it might not be the style they want. And if it is the style they hoped they'd have or really close, then I'm happy that the hard work they've put in has paid off.

Hell, I try not to be down on my writing since even if it has some glaring weak points in my own eyes, people have said they wish that they could write like me.

But the few times people have said they like my art, my first assumption was "You must have mistaken someone else's art as mine even though I credit the artist either by reblogging from them when I get comms or mention who drew it if they say to post it myself." And then I panic that I haven't been clear enough about credit.

Granted they always came out of the blue when I hadn't posted my own art recently, so assuming someone was just mistaken made more sense. It's still hard to believe people like my art, because whether or not it's "good", it's not the style I want/am trying for, and on top of that I ALSO don't think it's good. So it's kind of a double whammy of "even if you don't do art yourself, this must look like shit, right? Unless it was from some little kid still figuring out how their hands work. Maybe at best it would be good for a 10 year old who took their first art class recently." But all of this is because I actually WAS a "better artist" by a lot of standards when I was 10. I can see how much worse I've gotten since then, and any improvements have been in a direction I don't want to go.

Somehow that last line feels like it could describe my life in general, not just my experience with drawing and digital art.

#ooc #negative? #more just getting my thoughts ordered #with a side of self-loathing

[someoneinjersey]

Just a lil update

Every so often I like to check in on my mostly defunct social media accounts.

Still living in North Carolina with Kate, with her cat Wimby and my dog Deano, and then we had a stray decide to adopt us who is so sweet and lovey. Her name is Larry because she has a very raspy meow if she can make sound at all, so Kate said she had laryngitis, thus, Larry. She's wonderful and we want to work on bringing her inside if we can (she likes to sneak in sometimes anyway). She brings us so many "gifts" so we know she loves us but for god's sake, so many dead mice, chipmunks, and rabbits turning up on our porch.

I'm still disabled as fuck, yo. I rarely have the physical or mental energy to do things, which sucks because I was doing really well for a few months after I moved in and then at some point, possibly conflated by my birth control that I hated, my panic disorder kicked into high gear. Like I'd have a panic attack just driving into town, or thinking about driving into town, or for no reason at all. We went to Kate's brother's five hours away for Christmas this past year and I had to stop at a gas station for an hour to sit and let my meds kick in while fighting vomiting and hyperventilating because I was having such a bad panic attack. Once we finally got there I had at least one attack every day, sometimes two or three. It was out of control, so my psychiatrist put me on extended release xanax to try to improve my quality of life and it's worked very well, though it does make me sleepy and panic or the fear of panic does creep in from time to time.

My brother disowned me. My mother needs a kidney transplant now on top of her liver transplant, and will refuse dialysis once her kidney function fails completely, so we have no idea how much time she has left. She still won't leave her husband. She wants to come visit again (she came last October) and while she's my mom so I'd love to see her and cook for her, I don't know if I can handle the stress. She doesn't realize she's a huge trigger for me and she can never know that because it'll kill her and she's already dying. She is aware, however, that if she visits, she may have to have Kate or a taxi pick her up from/drop her off at the airport because I don't know if I can drive to Asheville yet. It's about a 30 minute drive, but I still struggle with just going into town. She's not too happy about that. We've had so many fights since I've moved here.

I keep falling into ruts. I swore I'd break all my bad habits once I got down here and lived on my own, without a parent lurking around, but I just keep letting things go all over again. The dishes pile up, the garbage piles up, and then the monumentous task of just starting a clean up becomes unattainable. I've also learned that I have ADHD, likely always have. My psychiatrist said it was a "soft" diagnosis he was giving me, however, because I wasn't interested in going on medication for it. I want to sort out my other shit first but naturally I'm making no progress on that either. I put things off because I'm scared, and because I can never guarantee that I can make my appointments due to my panic attacks.

I'm still a killer cook. I've taken up collage journaling, which is just basically gluing scraps of paper and putting stickers together in a notebook, but it makes me feel good to do. I bought myself supplies to start drawing again but they've been here over a week and I haven't touched them yet. I need to get back into art so maybe I can sell some because we are barely scraping by, paycheck to paycheck and disability to disability. It really sucks.

Anyway, for anyone that's still around, I just have tumblr, facebook, and instagram now. FB and IG are private so you'll have to send a follow request or whatever, but please do. I'd like more interaction and I miss some of you on here. I'm also always up for texting, so my number is only an ask away.

ETA: My fb is under "Sara Ann" and my current userpic is not my face, and my ig is "atthedividingline" thank you

#me #about me #personal #update